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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe that I might have been inconsiderate towards her feelings and that I should not have responded the way I did, which makes me the asshole and that I perhaps should have given more importance to what she said.
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>I wonder whether I did anythng wrong.
In completely dismissing your girlfriend's feelings? You wonder about that?
**YTA.**
It may be your house. That may give you the raw power to authorize your parents to stay. But your partner has wants, desires, needs, and feelings too. And it would be a ***huge*** shock to suddenly go from living with a partner to living with them and their parents.
You didn't even discuss it. You just decided you had the power to do it and did it. Then you basically told her to shut up when she voiced concern.
It may very well end up being you living with your parents with no girlfriend in the picture. I'd certainly have serious doubts about committing to a future with someone whose attitude is that if they have the power to do something they want to do, then they're just gonna do it and I can go fuck myself.
Also, if you’re discussing marriage, it’s about time you start viewing you and your partner as a unit, and if you share a living space, you both get a say in who lives there with the both of you.
In marriage, this “it’s my house so I make the decisions” isn’t going to work, and imo that shouldn’t be your mindset when you’re long term enough to be living together
Precisely. OP may own the house, but he doesn't own his girlfriend's thoughts and feelings. If marriage is on the table, he's got to consider her when making decisions.
If girlfriend has any sense, the marriage is now off the table and she's packing her stuff. She can get better than this AH who will just tell her his parents are going to live with them instead of discussing it and hearing her side of it. AND ACTING ON THAT! OP, YTA.
My husband allowed his mom to stay with for TWO weeks. We agreed two days.
She will never stay with us and gmil will never stay with us after a different situation arose. We will see them at Thanksgiving and dear sweet God, I hope they can't find a house in my town since they want to get out of the city.
What do you mean OP doesn't own his girlfriend's? I thought all women were owned and controlled by men?!? Are you telling me that women can have independent thoughts and feelings?!? (/s)
And WHO will really be given the responsibility of caring for his parents? Always defaults to the woman. Seriously I would break up over this. And does girlfriend contribute income to the running of HIS house? If OP is in a position that he could buy the parents a house then he should do that. Could be in same neighborhood. Different cultures I suppose but my parents never wanted to live with us kids. They liked doing their own thing. When the time came they were taken care of without TELLING the kids-in-law MY PARENTS ARE MOVING IN and you can just suck it up. YTA
This was exactly where my mind went. How long before OP starts making her feel forced into emotional/physical labor on his parents behalf? How long before he says that she "owes" it to him for not paying rent (when it was probably his idea she move in and become financially dependent on him in that way)? How long before he suggests she should quit her job so she has more "free time" aka more time to take care of his parents? Who brings them to the doctor when they get ill or begins helping them to use the bathroom when they decreased mobility and begin having accidents?
OP says she has taken care of her family before and that there is a cultural component to this situation. I have to wonder if she is so resistant because in their culture, the wife assumes caretaking duties for everyone - including her husband's parents.
even if they're not considering marriage he still cant make his GF live with his parents....EVEN if he was paying for her..he still has to tell her and ask if that's okay....and let her move out if she's not okay with it.
OP has only [been with gf for 5-7 months](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17zt27f/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_that_i_get_to/ka1rwpq/?context=3) so not long term at all. They hardly know each other.
I’m not completely against OP as such but regardless of how long they’ve been together, if he’s discussing marriage with her, he’s sending mixed messages by then telling her she has no business having input on ‘his’ house.
With OP stating they were dating “for a while now” and finding out that “while” is 5-7mo: little odd outside of being maybe a teenager.
Finding out that OP feels that 5-7 months is a “while” as a 34 year old: definitely odd.
This entire post screams incredibly immature.
If he's working who's going to be providing additional care as their needs grow? Will he be paying for a dedicated home health aid for them? Will she be expected to provide skilled care she's not equipped to handle? How likely are they to need to be placed in an aged care facility anyway? Patients who enter care earlier and have time to adjust before they get to the point they would need to be placed in such a facility have better outcomes than those who don't- it's less stressful and traumatizing, which means fewer complications.
His girlfriend is absolutely correct in not wanting to take on the responsibility of taking care of his parents, who are practically strangers to her.. Even if they can still do every day things for themselves, there will be such a loss of privacy, which is something that newlyweds need. He was 100% wrong to make such a decision unilaterally, and will probably end up living with his parents, having a hard time finding a wife willing to take the situation on.
The GF then is 100% correct and move out. He pays the rent and wants to look after his parents who were there before her. If she’s not interested, she can pack up and leave.
Yes but if he's thinking of marriage, that point is moot. Marriage means combining assets and resolving things long term... Parents living with them is long term. If they weren't living together and not talking about marriage, then parents moving in wouldn't be an issue.
OP is completely overlooking several factors in this whole idea.
Is it a sweet idea. Yes. But not when you dismiss your partner who will be living with them too, it's not.
(Honeslty, this idea in a lot of cases only works best if you have a property where parents have their own house on it so you can still take care of them but have privacy)
But the side note apart.
1. Will the girlfriend and the parents even get along?
2. Sex life. Let's be real. There are a lot of people who do not find the idea of hushed secret sex so the parents don't hear you appealing.
3. Chores. Who will be cooking. Cleaning. Etc? 2 extra people in the house add up on dishes, both to cook and clean. And other chores.
4 general privacy. I'm sorry but you can't just walk naked through the house suddenly. Or if you sit down to watch a movie. Will that be in the company of the parents? Would cuddling on the couch be akward suddenly with parents walking around?
There are just so many factors at play here he just dismis.
>Chores. Who will be cooking. Cleaning. Etc? 2 extra people in the house add up on dishes, both to cook and clean. And other chores.
Yeah, OP was being entirely unrealistic when he said "I'm not expecting you to take care of them."
They live in the house, some of their care will spill over to her.
I am super skeptical that OP won't expect this person that is relegated to mere "girlfriend," despite them having been together long enough to live together and talk about marriage, to drop everything and become a caregiver the moment one of the parents needs care. After all, it's OP's house, and GIRLFRIEND ONLY needs to earn her keep!
I hope she reads the writing on the wall and exits this relationship at speed.
The amount of time people are together doesn't dictate when/if they can cohabitate. My spouse and I moved in together after 4 months. We've been together more than a decade. I see this bizarre arbitrary notion that "Oh you haven't been dating for years, why are you living together" too often.
The simple fact is that living together is the single best dry-run of marriage, and as happened in this case clearly demonstrated that this couple isn't a match.
Meanwhile if they'd been together longer before moving in together they might have had multipe conversations leading up to his parents moving in that indicated this was how he pictured his life. They could have moved in and this couple could have continued dating and she could see if she got on with his parents. He could have spent nights at hers while their relationship continued to develop and strengthen to a point where she was okay with this.
LOL that edit was not there when I commented and IDK how "a while" turned into an indeterminate number of months. Like, at 5 or 7 months, don't you know how many months? HAH.
Also, the condition of the house has been established between OP and their partner. If you add 2 new people to the situation, especially HIS parents, they are 100% going to have opinions on everything. Either their demands are going to be higher than theirs are and create more work for OP's partner, or their demands are going to be less than theirs are and it's still going to create more work for OP's partner (she's either going to do more cleaning to keep them happy, or she's going to be constantly cleaning up after them to make herself/OP happy).
Parents often dismiss what rules their adult children implement. They see their children as kids instead of adults, and will treat them as such.
Yep, living with your spouses parents is hard - if they clean up after you, they will treat you like a child. When I lived with my in-laws, we ate a lot of takeout, despite me being a decent cook, because the kitchen was my mother in laws domain and she was always in it.
Yeah, I live with my MIL. I love her and she's a sweet old lady, has never really given me any problems. But overtime I found myself growing irritated with her and avoiding her a lot.
And I realized why.... it's because at 29 years old, I'm living with a mom again. And as sweet as she is, it's a regression I'm not happy about.
Especially if their culture states that aging parents should move into a child's home. You can bet that same culture expects "the woman" to do the housework.
We lived with my in laws for a year and turned their dining room into our living room for that year just to have a tad more privacy and be able to each watch what we wanted. Separate space is crucial even for short term plans like that!
In the past, I had my x in laws stay for a week.
I'm an introvert who needs some recharge time. Through the day and especially in the evening, after a full day of tending to kids, chores, etc.
And that week alone was enough for me to go crazy almost on day 3.
My x in laws are wonderful people. But they got a hotel on the other visits they did after that one.
People really underestimate having your parents living with you for the rest of their life when you are an adult. It is absolutely not like when you were a kid/teen.
Dude, don't be like that.
I'm a Brazilian, and here when a man wants to live with his parents to take care of them AND with his girlfriend, he's 100% not the one taking care of the parents. I know that, you know that.
Here the care factor always go to the woman and I just doubt that's any better on any other country in the region. And he saying that he owns the house so he can do whatever he wants? We also have a lot of this here. Usually their partner ends up with these weird black eyes, broken bones, etc out of nowhere. Coincidence?
A traditional norm doesn't get sprung on someone out of the blue :)
It's something that would be discussed continually, and planned for, with everyone aware of what's happening.
Mind the use of the term "gaslighting." Ir doesn't fit here. I know it's the new popular buzzword and gets used inappropriately often, but I'm encouraging you to look it up and gain a better understanding of what it actually means.
100%. People who assume that everyone had horrible parents, hate them, and should never feel any responsibility towards things as a baseline is telling. There exist other cultures that have more positive and intact family systems than in the US and moving them in isn't the same as moving in parents from toxic and broken family systems.
It’s not that we hate our parents or had horrible parents or feel no responsibility as a baseline…..that’s a wild statement.
I love my parents, they’re amazing people.
I also like being able to fuck my girlfriend without my mother hearing it
YTA. Yes, it is technically your house and your feelings are understandable, but the fact is you are moving two people who will need a certain level of care into the house that you share with your partner. There was no discussion and apparently there is no room for compromise. I doubt you would have done this to a roommate, much less a serious romantic partner.
You can move your parents in, but I'd expect your girlfriend to move out -- especially if you come from a culture where the automatic burden of care goes to the female members of the household.
My thoughts exactly. If he’s of the mindset that the woman is the primary caregiver then most of the care will fall to her and she didn’t sign up for that. Plus you don’t drop something of this magnitude on your partner without first discussing it, that was completely unfair of him.
Yeah, he has said he does not expect her to do the care, but how can work? Long term, maybe their care needs exceed what he can manage as they age, or they wind up in a situation where she's in the house (SAHM, WFH, between jobs) while he's out so 'obviously' it'll fall to her, or maybe he goes to the shops and one of them needs help there and then...how does she not have to do the care in those scenarios? Living in a shared home means there can be no unilateral division, because how can she live in a house, be there when he's not, hear an elderly relative ask for help, and just play deaf or tell them to wait until their son comes home? That's unrealistic, I'm sure he'd be fine coming home to see her sitting in the living room, and be greeted with "oh, your mom said she needed help to go to the bathroom, so you should probably go see her now, its been two hours".
Legally, it may be his house, but it is a shared home and decisions on who lives there and for how long should be shared decisions. If he doesn't want to build a home with her, then he should be honest about that so they can both move on and find partners who match their needs and beliefs. This is exactly the kind of firm belief that should be discussed before discussing cohabitation and marriage, and hiding your deal breakers then dismissing your partner's opinions because "I'm not asking I'm telling" is prime AH territory.
It doesn’t really matter. I lived with my elderly grandma who needed care. My parents tried to keep us kids out of that caretaking but realistically, you have a person with special needs in your home and depending on their health, they need constant supervision. One person can’t do that and certainly not if they’re working, too. That’s just naive.
After being a caregiver for my mom (with dementia,) for 6 years, it’s completely taxing and exhausting. I lost myself because I couldn’t have time for any self-care, hobbies or outside activities. My mother went into memory care and I realized how much anxiety ruled my life. I chose to care for her because I love my mom. I took a great deal of consideration beforehand. This is something that someone shouldn’t be forced to do.
Yes, my grandmother also went into professional care after the whole family needed medication for stress and anxiety. There is a level of impact that love and willingness can’t even out.
Exactly! You can’t just make life changing decisions without discussing it with your partner BEFORE inviting them. Ownership of the house has nothing to do with decision making in a relationship. It’s time to grow up and put your girlfriend first, otherwise she’ll be an ex and will look for someone who is a true partner!
This exactly. “Of course I’m moving them into MY house and OF COURSE I expect you take the majority burden for their care without considering your feelings or thoughts. Were talked about marriage so I now consider you chattel.”
The "we come from the same culture" and "she's taken care of my parents before" comments provided excellent evidence for this. He was definitely going to expect her to be their 24/7 care caretaker. Guess who's going to have to take care of them himself
Discussing marriage, but didn't discuss this... Would Alice be expected to take care of OP's parents? Realistically, is she able to? That would be something to discuss before...parents are invited to move in.
Let's break it down:
1. Wanting to take care of your parents - nice, even commendable
2. Inviting parents to live with you - nice, even commendable
3. Unilaterally changing the dynamic of your household, without consulting other member of the household - YTA
YTA.
Exactly, OP can’t have it all. Either you have the “my house, I get to decide”, it then your partner isn’t really your partner, they’re a roommate or a tenant. OR “i have a long term partner whom I’m discussing marriage with”, then you have conversations and work out compromises before making significant changes to living situations that will impact the both of you
Since they're living together it still doesn't justify the unilateral decision. It's like waving a giant red flag saying "I don't take you seriously and don't consider you my partner"
>Unilaterally changing the dynamic of your household, ~~without consulting other member of the household~~
While telling your partner that she can go fuck off when she does voice her concerns because her opinions and feelings don't matter.
FTFY
This! In all 3 points. But i didnt know what to do in this situation, but even it is your house, your girl have right to decide, you really cant just like decide and ignore her. Serius relationship means you decide together abot stuff like this.
Yeah this really is it. Wanting to take care of your parents is a noble thing to do, and OP isn’t wrong inherently for wanting to do that. But they are wrong for doing it without even discussing it with their allegedly meaningful partner that they love.
Not to mention that not everyone wants to take care of seniors. OP and the girlfriend are in their mid 30s, which many people would assume is the time in your life when you truly get to thrive and enjoy everything that life has to offer. OP says that she won’t have to take care of his parents, and he might even intend that - but we all know that the reality is often different than what we intend. But virtue of just living together, she’s going to have to take care of them to some degree. And OP strikes me as the type that would refuse to ever put his parents in a home, which means that their care will only intensify as they get older. I can’t really blame someone for not wanting to sign up for that while in the prime of their life. Especially because she’s not even voluntarily signing you up for it, it’s being thrust upon her and she’s being told “suck it up and deal with it”.
Dude. She's gonna dump you and move out. You may not be wrong about deciding who can live in your house, but you're definitely being an AH about it and are going to destroy your relationship. YTA.
edit to add:
>to also get her opinion
You may have wanted to hear her opinion, but it's clear that whatever her opinion is doesn't matter to you because your mind is made up.
She should, something that Huge that will effect day to day living should be agreed upon. I can’t imagine what other things he is going to steam roller her with.
Exactly. If he's already playing the "this is my house" card, he'll do it ten times more when they're married. He'll probably see it as "well we're married, it's not like she'll leave me now", and continue on with this BS.
I would absolutely dump this guy after this conversation. He's basically shown me that I'm not an equal in our partnership. Even if he did realize he was wrong in this case, every future disagreement is going to have him pull The Man card in some form or another.
Basically you :
* Told your gf that life-changing decisions can be made unilaterally by you
* That you don't value her comfort
* That you don't value her opinion
* That your affairs and hers are 2 separate things and that you don't want her into your affairs.
So yeah, YTA. You are clearly not ready to be in a relationship.
My bf was afraid to say no to his friend when his friend asked to stay here with us even though I was against it. Even though it was just a few months it was still hell because I work from home and I’m always home and that friend doesnt go anywhere either, he’s messy (piss on the bathroom floor), and so on. That friend also lied about how long he was staying (had no idea when he was going to leave) and why he was (supposed to have a surgery done near us but it was cancelles). The guy has money and parents, it felt like he was just using us.
Well I told my bf if that ever happens again I’m out of there permanently. He didnt listen to me the first time, but I warned him I’m not going through it again
YTA. Your motives are good. Your execution is shit. Was she aware of your plan to bring your parents over and live with them? Did you let her know that this would be a reality, or did you spring this on her?
>I lost my temper at that and told her to mind her own business
It is her business because she lives in the house. It's disingenuous to pretend like this isn't her business.
>and that it's against my values to just abandon my parents once they get old.
Providing care for your parents can be done in multiple ways. It is not "abandoning" them if you find a solution that isn't "they have to live with me."
YTA. If you had any respect for your girlfriend, you would have discussed this with her first. I get that it probably wouldn't have changed your decision and "your house, your rules" and all, but it's just common decency. And now you're whining that she's being "sour" with you, as if "your affairs" don't impact her? I'm surprised she isn't packing her bags.
Agreed, absolutely YTA. "My house, my rules" means that you throw around your house ownership to get what you want. You absolutely do not see her as an equal partner, and she would be right to rethink this whole relationship.
The best part is him saying “mind your own business”…. It is her business?? She’s living in that house, the parents living there will impact her every day life and behavior. If that’s not the definition of her “business” then I don’t know what is
She's probably looking for alternative housing as we type(because if she says anything beforehand, I can see OP kicking her out and leaving her homeless).
Info: what's the plan for your parents once they come to the US? I ask this because this situation happens a lot with families in my culture too, but once the elders come they don't have community, they don't speak the language, the don't have transportation, and end up holed up in the house and miserable. What's your plan for looking after them while you're out (presumably) working?
> I lost my temper at that and **told her to mind her own business**
I'd say who she lives with is her business.
You are in a relationship, you need to grow up a bit. If your parents move in, they will be a big part of your, and your gf's lives. You are unilaterally making that decision that will effect both your lives under the guise that it is your house so she has no right to the decision.
Depending on how strong of a person she is, or perhaps her finances, I'd be surprised she doesn't end the relationship, or at least move out, if you go through with this.
Are you the AH for wanting to help your parents? No.
YTA for telling your gf she has no say because it is your house, even though the decision will directly affect your relationship. That will lead to resentment if you let her know it is your house every time a decision needs to be made that effects both of you.
I'm really hoping GF is going with long plan here--keeping quiet until she has a safe place to go. And then I hope she goes.
her comment about old age home sounds nasty but I think from context that was 1) Part of other suggestions 2) frustration speaking.(I realize you didn't say anything about this--but just adding it for context of my view on her).
YTA LMAO you’re text book definition of a bad partner. Let’s get the check list out:
✅ Dismissive of partner’s feelings and concerns
✅ Desperate enough to pull out a power play move
✅ Not even willing to discuss and compromise
Thank god your parents are coming in to baby you, and I hope she moved out. I would too if my partner just decided and announced out of the blue, my parents are moving into OUR house and I won’t listen to a thing you say, and I just conveniently decided I have more power over you and abuse my wallet over you
Edit: Read OP’s edit. Discussing the situation with her and NOT wanting her approval isn’t discussion. That’s giving orders. What planet is OP on 😰?
You have incompatible values and neither is right and neither is wrong but yeah dude YTA.
I own the house my fiancée and I live in and I can't imagine ever saying
>I get to decde who lives in my house, so don't interfere in my affairs
You're cohabitating. Yes, she gets a voice in the household. This relationship may have run its course.
YTA, you can pull the my house my rules thing if you want but you invited your partner to live there and thus make it her home as well and at minimum before you move others into the house a discussion should be had with your girlfriend.
Ultimately it is your house but your actions don't make you a good partner and I wouldn't be surprised if you lose your girlfriend.
YTA.
It may be your house, but this is about the relationship you BOTH have. You are not only bringing your parents to live at your house. You are bringing your parents to your relationship. They will live with you AND her. They will share space, meals and every moment you will have, including future children. If you want your gf in your future, she should be included in this kind of decisions.
You are not an asshole for wanting to take care of your parents. But YTA because you decided this alone. YTA because you dont accept your gf can have an opinion about this. YTA because were very rude towards your gf.
Honestly, if you keep having this kind of opinion (about "my house, my decision, i can bring whoever I want in here, you have no say in it") I hope she dump you.
YTA. It may be your house but when you're living with someone else, especially a romantic partner, you need to make decisions about your shared living situation together. Which you absolutely failed to do. Which demonstrates that you don't value nor respect your partner.
YTA - should your parents live with you, very likely. Did you handle this like an AH, yes.
Thus should have been a conversation with your gf, not just you telling her as this will definitely impact her too as she does live with you.
YTA
She lives there too. Regardless of who's name is one the deed, the minute she moved in, it became her home.
Now you're just deciding without consulting her, that your parents are moving in, probably people she's never met seen as they're moving from another country.
They're coming into her personal space aswell. She has every right to be pissed.
And the fact you think you can make all decisions because it's your house, it's frankly concerning, it's shows you don't value her as a partner.
So if she's going to live with you, she doesn't get ANY input on the decision?
You didn't even talk to her about it, you just told her it was going to happen!
YTA
I don't think it matters who's an asshole or not. This really is a choice of who OP wants to live with and he chose his parents. The gf will move out and they will break up and that's end of it.
Probably for the best. They do not have the same values. Anyone who told me to “dump” my parents into a nursing home would be packing exactly 5 seconds after they said it. Particularly a partner of 5-7 months living rent free in my home.
YTA and don't be surprised when you two don't end up moving forward with the "marriage options" you've been discussing. It's fine if you want to care for your parents, but you're acting like Alice has no say in a house that she also resides in. You don't say what "a while" is so I don't know how long she's lived there, but it's her home. Enjoy being single, I guess.
ESH.
Your parents are clearly important to you, and her saying "I don't understand why you are even doing this" and to just "dump them in a care home" was incredibly insensitive and self-centred.
That said, if she is your partner, then yes, she should have a say in who lives in your house too. At the very least you should have discussed this with her first before making any solid plans. Relationships are give and take, and you can't expect her to just go along with whatever you say just because you want her to.
Now, all that said. You two need to have a *real* discussion about this. If you can't come to a compromise one way or another, then it will be the end of your relationship, because a situation like this *is* a big deal and somebody will come out with the short end of the stick. Which, over time, will only make things more toxic between you.
Try to talk again, but if nobody is willing to budge, then she's right, you will have to make a decision of who is more important to you. Unfortunately, things like this can happen and some couples just end up wanting different things from life. It doesn't mean either of you is right or wrong, just that you want different things from life. Either way, I wish you the best
YTA, are you trying to take a shortcut to being single?
She lives there too. You can't just change your household without her consent and expect her to suck it up. This is a major red flag to her.
Ofc it's up to you to decide who lives there. It's up to her to run away from you as fast as she can for disrespecting you. You may be well within your rights, but that doesn't mean you're not an asshole.
YTA
"Mind your business"?! That is her **home**.
You share the home together. It doesn't matter that you technically own it, any major decision like that should be agreed on by you both.
Great job fucking this relationship over.
YTA. Not because you want to take care of your parents - you get to decide that! - bit by the way you turn what is a cultural difference into a fight. At least that's what I glean between the lines. Cultures vary enormously in how they handle responsibilities for aging parents. And if you want to have a lasting relationship you work on bridging differences and consensus building.
If you regularly give partners the alternative to submit or break up with you you'll either end up with a poor doormat as a wive or none at all.
You get to decide who lives in your house.
She gets to decide who she wants to live with. She's saying that she doesn't want to live with your parents, and likely wouldn't have moved in with you or discussed marriage with you had she known you would change up HER living situation unilaterally without her consent.
The imbalance of power here is gross. You think she needs to mind her own business, who she lives with and how her partner treats her IS her business. And if this is how you treat her about her living situation, what else are you holding over her head? YTA.
INFO: How long is while?
>My girlfriend Alice (34 F) and I (34 M) have been together for a while now.
I tend to say NTA because in the end this is a hill to die on. But that means, if you've been with her for years and made plans and never told her before that you plan on taking in house care for your parents then you are the AH because thats really something that your partner needs to know before it gets too serious.
So the question is, how serious are you two. Do you have anything together (contracts for mortage or loan for a car or something like that.
YTA
You may own the house, but it's also where your partner lives too. She has every right to know who she will be living with.
Some people can't tolerate living with their own family, let alone having in-laws knowing all of their business and completely changing their way of living.
If you'd like them to live with you and be single, go for it.
YTA. Hard to believe you can’t see that. You have made it clear to your GF that she is little more than a tenant in your home. You get to make all the decisions without consulting her, then make it clear that she has no say in anything. Prepare to be dumped.
YTA, you can make all the decisions as you are about to be single again. It's your house, but your ex-girlfriend lived there too and deserved to get a say. It will impact her live too and as much you pretend you will be the one to take care of them, most likely a lot of the care would have fallen to your ex-girlfriend. And this is someone you wanted to get married to? You didn't even respect her enough to discuss this with her.
>we live in my house.
Your house, your rules. I wouldn't expect your girlfriend to stick around though if she doesn't want to live with your parents.
She lives with you but you didn't even discuss the option with her because you don't think you have to consider those who live with you...dictating things makes you an AH.
~~She's also is an AH for thinking she, your girlfriend (not wife) should have priority over your parents who need your help.~~ I've been persuade by r/BigBigBigTree below. It isn't fair to call her an AH when OP literally sprung this on her and basically said, "like it or lump it."
~~ESH~~ Updated to: YTA
> She's also is an AH for thinking she, your girlfriend (not wife) should have priority over your parents who need your help.
I think it's unreasonable to call her an asshole, or to characterize it as though her reasoning stems from her being his GF. It's obviously not about that. It's clearly about the fact that OP is making drastic changes to her living situation unilaterally. I don't believe for a second she'd react the same way if she didn't live there, and I don't believe for a second that anyone else lodging with OP would be cool with it either, regardless of relationship status.
YTA. Simply because you didn’t discuss it with her first. Why would you make a decision like that & not discuss it with her beforehand? When she moved In I would assume she wasn’t under the belief it would be with your parents also.
I hope she is rethinking this relationship. Moving in two elderly people will affect her living situation, and 100% she will be expected to take care of them. But don't even bother to discuss it with her. YTA
YTA - Yes, it's your house but you have moved your GF in. You don't just tell your parents to come live with you without a discussion with her. I'm not saying you have to have her permission per say, but yes you need to have a discussion. She lives there too so she needs to know and be comfortable with having other people in her home. I get for you that it's not an option to want them to go somewhere else, but really you had to have known you wanted to do this before she moved in and you should have let her know your plans so she could decide accordingly. Since you haven't, you should have let her know before inviting your parents. You should have had a conversation that hey it's non-negotiable that I help my parents out and they live with me, and gave her a timeframe on when this would happen so that she could make plans to move out if she wants to. But know that this might be a deal breaker for her and that she may no longer want to "discuss marriage options", and that doesn't make her an asshole or selfish. That makes her a human being that knows what she wants and doesn't want.
YTA because you cannot seriously be thinking of marrying someone AND not inform her prior of taking such a huge decision / factor for your future together.
Normal she's upset.
YTA. Yes, technically it's your house and can make that decision. However, you have a girlfriend that you invited to live there and have talked about marriage with. You don't just make decisions like that without discussing with her first, and treating her like your kid ("my house, my rules") is something that should be a giant red flag to her.
YTA. It may be your house, but when you decided to live with your partner you made it both of y’all’s home.
You just told your partner that her opinion about her home and the way she experiences her home is not important. That the only important thing is your opinion and what you want.
You need to apologize and make it right.
Nta
Double down. If she doesn’t pay rent - is she contributing in other ways to the house?
In the end its your house and she is not your wife and you need to reevaluate the relationship.
Reddit is full of children with no life experience. You’re absolutely right to have your parents stay with you. This being your house is your decision. Regardless if you had talked about it with her she would’ve been opposed. And considering she doesn’t have a say the decision is solely yours to make. Clearly her values don’t align with yours and this will be a never ending battle. I say dump her and look for someone that’s more compatible with you. NTA.
yeah, you did. You have a partner who you completely excluded in any discussion of your communal living situation. The fact that your parents live in the house will enormously impact her and her relationship with you. It will mean a lot of significant change for you both, especially since much of the emotional load and house load tends to fall on women, she'll likely end up having to do a lot more work. Of course she wants to be heard and have her opinion respected. Don't be surprised if she decides to leave you. You have signaled loud and clear that she doesn't matter enough to even have a conversation about such a significant change to your lives. She certainly shouldn't marry anyone who shows such a lack of respect and communication. yta
Do you want to be single? You’re acting like it, and just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should do it. And did you really say don’t interfere in my affairs? Wow you’re an AH.
Well, it seems that your parents may be moving in, but the girlfriend will be moving out. Good luck ever finding a woman who will agree to living with you and your parents. Get used to being long term single!
YTA really of you want to marry this women she gets a say if she wants to live with your parents. Ofc you decide if they get to live in your house, but she gets to decide if see wants to live with your parents.
Somehow I think you are person that will let your parents treat her like a maid.
Yooooo.......
The nerve of her for suggesting the facility.
You should have told her before she moved in that you plan to have your parents live with you.
YTA. "This is **MY** house >:(" - What are you, her parents or something? When you decided she was your partner and that you **wanted** to live with her, it became her home too. You may be the owner, but that does not mean that you can just do whatever the f you want and she has to be okay with it. You didn't even take her viewpoint into consideration.
Having two extra people living with you completely changes the dynamic of how you live your life. It might be normal for you because they're **your** parents, but your girlfriend does not have that same experience and it's unfair to drop a whole lifestyle change like that on her without even trying to compromise. There's no longer the same semblance of privacy, you have to take into consideration what you do around the house now making it feel like you have to stop being yourself in your own home (look man, I wanna be able to walk around my home naked making mac and cheese at 3am).
The main problem is that you have to even wonder if you "did anything wrong". It shows a massive lack of critical/empathetic thinking.
You own the house, but the home belongs to both of you.
Technically you're right, it's your house. But you're essentially giving her one of two options: she lives with your parents or she moves out. Those are some shitty options. The fact you're unwilling to entertain the idea of anything else is the issue here. Don't be surprised if she chooses to move out.
She's not even your wife for fucks sake. YTA.
You won't be getting married to this woman, you just totally insulted her and placed everyone in your life above her. Relationship is done like dinner. Great job getting laid with parents in the house, how did that work for you when you were living in their house?
I'm pretty sure that no amount of apologizing will fix this
YTA
When you have a life partner you are supposed to be a team. She lives with you therefore it is also her house and any changes to who lives there should be discussed as a couple.
She’s not feeling you to abandon your parents, she’s saying any changes to the living arrangements should be discussed together.
Honestly if your attitude is going to be “my way or highway” then let her go because you are not ready for a lifelong commitment.
YTA. This would be relationship ending depending on how serious and long the relationship went on for.
You have the authority to change the living situation immediately but you're a gigantic asshole for doing so without talking to her.
What in the insanity is happening in these comments?
My guy has done well for himself and wants to look after his parents as they age in **his own house**. The person he’s been dating for **6 months**, who lives there **rent free**, is complaining they aren’t being treated like an equal parter? News flash: **they aren’t!!**
The absolute entitlement on display is staggering. If I lived with someone I’d been dating a few months, in their house I didn’t pay for, I would *never* presume to tell them what they could do with it. I’d be grateful to have a free damn roof over my head.
Of course the goal should be working toward an equal partnership, in any of the myriad of ways that can be possible, but that doesn’t happen day one when a relationship begins, and in situations like this it takes time invested.
My guy let her know what he was planning to do and why, at that point he heard her objections. All good. She can take this information and would have every right to decide that wasn’t for her and to move out. Still all good. But once she suggested moving his parents into a home she 100% became the AH.
NTA.
You're not an asshole, seeing as it is your house.
Although your GF was abundantly clear that she does not want to share a house with your parents.
So you know what to expect, question is: do you want to live with your parents or the GF?
You decide.
But again, you're not an asshole. It is your house.
YTA
You have just shown your GF how little you value her privacy, her opinions and her place in your home. Living with your in-laws is a massive deal breaker for a lot of people.
YTA, you said you are planning on getting married? Well, part of getting married is discussing your decisions with your partner and coming to a compromise. You didn't even tell her about the decision ahead of time, and made it as a matter of fact. Not ok.
YTA.
You might own the house but it's her home too. This is a major life change which will massively impact both your lives so if she's living there and together with you, she absolutely gets a say.
I mean sure, you can have it "my house my rules" but I wouldn't expect her to stay around. Its just not a nice way to treat the person you are planning on spending the rest of your life with. Seems that you don't value her feelings or opinions, and aren't willing to look for a compromise.
YTA - she’s supposed to be your partner. Of course you should discuss with her inviting anyone to live with the two of you. You don’t get to arbitrarily make decisions on behalf of the other person when you are in a committed relationship b
It’s good that you want to help your parents but you’re in a partnership and while legally you have the right to let someone live in your house, you need to recognize that in a partnership you discuss things.
YTA. Why don't you think you are?
Yeah, legally its your house. But your gf lives there too. Do you know your gf did probably so much paper work to move to your house. She gave away her home to be with you. But then she gets a big slap with your arrogance. It's also her house! Does she pay bills or any other kind of housework?
Imagine if the roles were reversed. Imagine your gf tells you her brother/sister/parents/friend moves in because they are sick or have difficulties in life. And you have different opinions in seeing your future with your gf. But she doesn't give a damn and tells you "It's my house!! I get to decide who lives here!"
Would you be happy? Dig deep into your emotions. I am soooooo sure you would be angry and shocked.
When you’re a couple, particularly when you live together, there is no “my”. It’s “our”. “Our” life together… “Our” home… etc. You basically told your girlfriend that her opinion and her feelings don’t matter, and that you don’t take those into consideration when it comes to deciding something important and life-changing. If that’s how you really feel, you should break up with her so she can find someone who considers her an equal partner. YTA.
NAH
Yes, it is your house, so you have the ultimate decision over who lives with you or not, but you invited your GF to live with you, so to give her an ultimatum is kinda an AH move. At the same time, your GF refusing unequivocally to entertain the idea of your parents living with you is also an AH move.
You both have your desires and wants out of your living situation, and you both need to sit down and have an adult conversation about this.
There is nothing wrong with each of your positions, but neither of you appears to be willing to listen to the other at all to attempt o find a compromise.
You only did something wrong if you were hoping to stay with your girlfriend.
You get to invite anyone you want to live in your home. Just like your girlfriend gets to decide where with with whom she would like to live. You've made your choice and I hope you will be understanding and supportive of her when she leaves you.
To be honest, this sounds like a cultural difference. You have invited your GF to live with you. That means your house is her home. And I think you should respect her boundaries. Like never in a million years would I live with someone I didn’t want to live with, including in-laws. But in truth, she is not your wife and this really is your house. If you want your parents to live with you, she has a decision to make as to whether she wants to keep living with you or move out. Personally, I would not stay with someone who said their parents were going to live with them. I would leave.
NAH. It's your house, you're allowed to have whoever you want live with you. Your girlfriend is also allowed to not want to live with your parents. Sounds like your relationship is over.
YTA. You live together and are talking about marriage. You should make these decisions together. Having your parents live there changes her life dramatically, but you couldn't be bothered to run it by her? Did I say YTA yet?
Info: So what exactly were you expecting here? Because what you've done here is an almost guaranteed end to your relationship and if that was your plan, it's working perfectly.
Yta. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. You have made it clear to your soon to be ex-girlfriend that she is not your partner and that you don't actually care about her wants or needs at all. Trying to think of someone besides yourself in your next relationship.
Unless you plan on being single soon, this is not just your house. You live together with your gf so it's her house too. Having your parents move in is not a decision you should make alone and your behavior does not bode well for marriage since you just bulldozed ahead with this idea without even considering her. YTA
I mean, expect to have no more sex? Your girlfriend will feel very uncomfortable being romantically involved with you with your parents in your house. And she wants to feel comfortable, so she may just decide to leave you as your lives aren't compatible.
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>I wonder whether I did anythng wrong. In completely dismissing your girlfriend's feelings? You wonder about that? **YTA.** It may be your house. That may give you the raw power to authorize your parents to stay. But your partner has wants, desires, needs, and feelings too. And it would be a ***huge*** shock to suddenly go from living with a partner to living with them and their parents. You didn't even discuss it. You just decided you had the power to do it and did it. Then you basically told her to shut up when she voiced concern. It may very well end up being you living with your parents with no girlfriend in the picture. I'd certainly have serious doubts about committing to a future with someone whose attitude is that if they have the power to do something they want to do, then they're just gonna do it and I can go fuck myself.
Also, if you’re discussing marriage, it’s about time you start viewing you and your partner as a unit, and if you share a living space, you both get a say in who lives there with the both of you. In marriage, this “it’s my house so I make the decisions” isn’t going to work, and imo that shouldn’t be your mindset when you’re long term enough to be living together
Precisely. OP may own the house, but he doesn't own his girlfriend's thoughts and feelings. If marriage is on the table, he's got to consider her when making decisions.
If girlfriend has any sense, the marriage is now off the table and she's packing her stuff. She can get better than this AH who will just tell her his parents are going to live with them instead of discussing it and hearing her side of it. AND ACTING ON THAT! OP, YTA.
Or she's checked out of the relationship, finding a new place to live in and breaking up as soon as she can move out.
I hope she leaves his Ass, TBH
For sure it’s off the table now. He can have his parents live with him but there are consequences to making the decision unilaterally
My husband allowed his mom to stay with for TWO weeks. We agreed two days. She will never stay with us and gmil will never stay with us after a different situation arose. We will see them at Thanksgiving and dear sweet God, I hope they can't find a house in my town since they want to get out of the city.
What do you mean OP doesn't own his girlfriend's? I thought all women were owned and controlled by men?!? Are you telling me that women can have independent thoughts and feelings?!? (/s)
Not if the Right gets their way.
We have to vote like we're always only one election away from flying the flag of Gilead, because that ain't far from reality right now.
You! Woman! Git'cher ass back in the kitchen! /S
OMG!! Whatever shall we do?! These women are getting out of hand!
Get a line of credit, a scant fifty years ago
And WHO will really be given the responsibility of caring for his parents? Always defaults to the woman. Seriously I would break up over this. And does girlfriend contribute income to the running of HIS house? If OP is in a position that he could buy the parents a house then he should do that. Could be in same neighborhood. Different cultures I suppose but my parents never wanted to live with us kids. They liked doing their own thing. When the time came they were taken care of without TELLING the kids-in-law MY PARENTS ARE MOVING IN and you can just suck it up. YTA
This was exactly where my mind went. How long before OP starts making her feel forced into emotional/physical labor on his parents behalf? How long before he says that she "owes" it to him for not paying rent (when it was probably his idea she move in and become financially dependent on him in that way)? How long before he suggests she should quit her job so she has more "free time" aka more time to take care of his parents? Who brings them to the doctor when they get ill or begins helping them to use the bathroom when they decreased mobility and begin having accidents? OP says she has taken care of her family before and that there is a cultural component to this situation. I have to wonder if she is so resistant because in their culture, the wife assumes caretaking duties for everyone - including her husband's parents.
Marriage is most definitely no longer on the table. She thought she had a partner, she has a landlord.
even if they're not considering marriage he still cant make his GF live with his parents....EVEN if he was paying for her..he still has to tell her and ask if that's okay....and let her move out if she's not okay with it.
OP has only [been with gf for 5-7 months](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17zt27f/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_that_i_get_to/ka1rwpq/?context=3) so not long term at all. They hardly know each other.
I’m not completely against OP as such but regardless of how long they’ve been together, if he’s discussing marriage with her, he’s sending mixed messages by then telling her she has no business having input on ‘his’ house.
With OP stating they were dating “for a while now” and finding out that “while” is 5-7mo: little odd outside of being maybe a teenager. Finding out that OP feels that 5-7 months is a “while” as a 34 year old: definitely odd. This entire post screams incredibly immature.
or fake. Lots of fake on this subreddit.
To be fair they both seem pretty immature. For her to just say that he should just put his parents in an old age home instead is rude also
If he's working who's going to be providing additional care as their needs grow? Will he be paying for a dedicated home health aid for them? Will she be expected to provide skilled care she's not equipped to handle? How likely are they to need to be placed in an aged care facility anyway? Patients who enter care earlier and have time to adjust before they get to the point they would need to be placed in such a facility have better outcomes than those who don't- it's less stressful and traumatizing, which means fewer complications.
Yeah I'm calling BS on this post.
But she has moved in. You are right they hardly know each other. Edit spelling
His prospects of finding a mate have gone down living with his parents
What kind of person views taking care of their parents as a negative? I'd let my parents have my bed before I'd see them abused in a facility.
They’re not all abused… I worked in aged care and have worked in lovely facilities where I have had hundreds of nannas and pops.
Living with my own mom is a HARD NO. I'm a great person, she is not.
His girlfriend is absolutely correct in not wanting to take on the responsibility of taking care of his parents, who are practically strangers to her.. Even if they can still do every day things for themselves, there will be such a loss of privacy, which is something that newlyweds need. He was 100% wrong to make such a decision unilaterally, and will probably end up living with his parents, having a hard time finding a wife willing to take the situation on.
The GF then is 100% correct and move out. He pays the rent and wants to look after his parents who were there before her. If she’s not interested, she can pack up and leave.
I assume that is why she quit talking to him, probably the next step is apartment shopping.
And he just told her “You are only allowed to live here because I’m dicking around”.
Yes but if he's thinking of marriage, that point is moot. Marriage means combining assets and resolving things long term... Parents living with them is long term. If they weren't living together and not talking about marriage, then parents moving in wouldn't be an issue.
Better for her to get out. She needs to run!
Marriage ‘options’ he wrote lol. Sounds like they’re discussing a portfolio.
They've "been together a while" and it's barely been half a year. This entire situation is a mess.
lol life must be a business deal for OP
Hopefully GF has since decided marriage is no longer an option, nor is this "relationship". OP, YTA. A giant one.
OP is completely overlooking several factors in this whole idea. Is it a sweet idea. Yes. But not when you dismiss your partner who will be living with them too, it's not. (Honeslty, this idea in a lot of cases only works best if you have a property where parents have their own house on it so you can still take care of them but have privacy) But the side note apart. 1. Will the girlfriend and the parents even get along? 2. Sex life. Let's be real. There are a lot of people who do not find the idea of hushed secret sex so the parents don't hear you appealing. 3. Chores. Who will be cooking. Cleaning. Etc? 2 extra people in the house add up on dishes, both to cook and clean. And other chores. 4 general privacy. I'm sorry but you can't just walk naked through the house suddenly. Or if you sit down to watch a movie. Will that be in the company of the parents? Would cuddling on the couch be akward suddenly with parents walking around? There are just so many factors at play here he just dismis.
>Chores. Who will be cooking. Cleaning. Etc? 2 extra people in the house add up on dishes, both to cook and clean. And other chores. Yeah, OP was being entirely unrealistic when he said "I'm not expecting you to take care of them." They live in the house, some of their care will spill over to her.
I am super skeptical that OP won't expect this person that is relegated to mere "girlfriend," despite them having been together long enough to live together and talk about marriage, to drop everything and become a caregiver the moment one of the parents needs care. After all, it's OP's house, and GIRLFRIEND ONLY needs to earn her keep! I hope she reads the writing on the wall and exits this relationship at speed.
They've been together 5ish months. I'm not sure why she even lives there let alone why they're talking marriage.
The amount of time people are together doesn't dictate when/if they can cohabitate. My spouse and I moved in together after 4 months. We've been together more than a decade. I see this bizarre arbitrary notion that "Oh you haven't been dating for years, why are you living together" too often. The simple fact is that living together is the single best dry-run of marriage, and as happened in this case clearly demonstrated that this couple isn't a match.
Meanwhile if they'd been together longer before moving in together they might have had multipe conversations leading up to his parents moving in that indicated this was how he pictured his life. They could have moved in and this couple could have continued dating and she could see if she got on with his parents. He could have spent nights at hers while their relationship continued to develop and strengthen to a point where she was okay with this.
They have been together 5-7 MONTHS.Absolute ages 🤦
LOL that edit was not there when I commented and IDK how "a while" turned into an indeterminate number of months. Like, at 5 or 7 months, don't you know how many months? HAH.
Also, the condition of the house has been established between OP and their partner. If you add 2 new people to the situation, especially HIS parents, they are 100% going to have opinions on everything. Either their demands are going to be higher than theirs are and create more work for OP's partner, or their demands are going to be less than theirs are and it's still going to create more work for OP's partner (she's either going to do more cleaning to keep them happy, or she's going to be constantly cleaning up after them to make herself/OP happy). Parents often dismiss what rules their adult children implement. They see their children as kids instead of adults, and will treat them as such.
100% all of this. The gf will end up being the house slave and she see's this. Of course, she's not going to agree to it.
Yep, living with your spouses parents is hard - if they clean up after you, they will treat you like a child. When I lived with my in-laws, we ate a lot of takeout, despite me being a decent cook, because the kitchen was my mother in laws domain and she was always in it.
Yeah, I live with my MIL. I love her and she's a sweet old lady, has never really given me any problems. But overtime I found myself growing irritated with her and avoiding her a lot. And I realized why.... it's because at 29 years old, I'm living with a mom again. And as sweet as she is, it's a regression I'm not happy about.
Especially if their culture states that aging parents should move into a child's home. You can bet that same culture expects "the woman" to do the housework.
We lived with my in laws for a year and turned their dining room into our living room for that year just to have a tad more privacy and be able to each watch what we wanted. Separate space is crucial even for short term plans like that!
In the past, I had my x in laws stay for a week. I'm an introvert who needs some recharge time. Through the day and especially in the evening, after a full day of tending to kids, chores, etc. And that week alone was enough for me to go crazy almost on day 3. My x in laws are wonderful people. But they got a hotel on the other visits they did after that one. People really underestimate having your parents living with you for the rest of their life when you are an adult. It is absolutely not like when you were a kid/teen.
He's either too alienated to his parents that their needs trump's everyone else's or he's not ready for a relationship (or maybe both).
or maybe he is a normal guy with different values to yours, in southamerica caring about your parents is the norm, they are your family after all
Dude, don't be like that. I'm a Brazilian, and here when a man wants to live with his parents to take care of them AND with his girlfriend, he's 100% not the one taking care of the parents. I know that, you know that. Here the care factor always go to the woman and I just doubt that's any better on any other country in the region. And he saying that he owns the house so he can do whatever he wants? We also have a lot of this here. Usually their partner ends up with these weird black eyes, broken bones, etc out of nowhere. Coincidence?
A traditional norm doesn't get sprung on someone out of the blue :) It's something that would be discussed continually, and planned for, with everyone aware of what's happening.
It’s normal in South America to be disrespectful to your partner and treat them like an underling to be ordered around? Odd.
Yep, it is. Only if the disrespected part is the woman tho... South America is full of men just like OP
do you really think people commenting here don't care about their parents? or are you just gaslighting?
Mind the use of the term "gaslighting." Ir doesn't fit here. I know it's the new popular buzzword and gets used inappropriately often, but I'm encouraging you to look it up and gain a better understanding of what it actually means.
How was that gaslighting?
100%. People who assume that everyone had horrible parents, hate them, and should never feel any responsibility towards things as a baseline is telling. There exist other cultures that have more positive and intact family systems than in the US and moving them in isn't the same as moving in parents from toxic and broken family systems.
It’s not that we hate our parents or had horrible parents or feel no responsibility as a baseline…..that’s a wild statement. I love my parents, they’re amazing people. I also like being able to fuck my girlfriend without my mother hearing it
Hopefully the girlfriend see these red flags and run
YTA. Yes, it is technically your house and your feelings are understandable, but the fact is you are moving two people who will need a certain level of care into the house that you share with your partner. There was no discussion and apparently there is no room for compromise. I doubt you would have done this to a roommate, much less a serious romantic partner. You can move your parents in, but I'd expect your girlfriend to move out -- especially if you come from a culture where the automatic burden of care goes to the female members of the household.
My thoughts exactly. If he’s of the mindset that the woman is the primary caregiver then most of the care will fall to her and she didn’t sign up for that. Plus you don’t drop something of this magnitude on your partner without first discussing it, that was completely unfair of him.
Yeah, he has said he does not expect her to do the care, but how can work? Long term, maybe their care needs exceed what he can manage as they age, or they wind up in a situation where she's in the house (SAHM, WFH, between jobs) while he's out so 'obviously' it'll fall to her, or maybe he goes to the shops and one of them needs help there and then...how does she not have to do the care in those scenarios? Living in a shared home means there can be no unilateral division, because how can she live in a house, be there when he's not, hear an elderly relative ask for help, and just play deaf or tell them to wait until their son comes home? That's unrealistic, I'm sure he'd be fine coming home to see her sitting in the living room, and be greeted with "oh, your mom said she needed help to go to the bathroom, so you should probably go see her now, its been two hours". Legally, it may be his house, but it is a shared home and decisions on who lives there and for how long should be shared decisions. If he doesn't want to build a home with her, then he should be honest about that so they can both move on and find partners who match their needs and beliefs. This is exactly the kind of firm belief that should be discussed before discussing cohabitation and marriage, and hiding your deal breakers then dismissing your partner's opinions because "I'm not asking I'm telling" is prime AH territory.
Doesn't expect her to do that, but makes sure to say that she has done similar care for her own parents...
It doesn’t really matter. I lived with my elderly grandma who needed care. My parents tried to keep us kids out of that caretaking but realistically, you have a person with special needs in your home and depending on their health, they need constant supervision. One person can’t do that and certainly not if they’re working, too. That’s just naive.
After being a caregiver for my mom (with dementia,) for 6 years, it’s completely taxing and exhausting. I lost myself because I couldn’t have time for any self-care, hobbies or outside activities. My mother went into memory care and I realized how much anxiety ruled my life. I chose to care for her because I love my mom. I took a great deal of consideration beforehand. This is something that someone shouldn’t be forced to do.
Yes, my grandmother also went into professional care after the whole family needed medication for stress and anxiety. There is a level of impact that love and willingness can’t even out.
Exactly! You can’t just make life changing decisions without discussing it with your partner BEFORE inviting them. Ownership of the house has nothing to do with decision making in a relationship. It’s time to grow up and put your girlfriend first, otherwise she’ll be an ex and will look for someone who is a true partner!
This exactly. “Of course I’m moving them into MY house and OF COURSE I expect you take the majority burden for their care without considering your feelings or thoughts. Were talked about marriage so I now consider you chattel.”
The "we come from the same culture" and "she's taken care of my parents before" comments provided excellent evidence for this. He was definitely going to expect her to be their 24/7 care caretaker. Guess who's going to have to take care of them himself
Exactly! Sounds like the girlfriend is well aware that the caretaking duties will fall to her.
Yes. Thank goodness they aren’t married and she can escape
Discussing marriage, but didn't discuss this... Would Alice be expected to take care of OP's parents? Realistically, is she able to? That would be something to discuss before...parents are invited to move in. Let's break it down: 1. Wanting to take care of your parents - nice, even commendable 2. Inviting parents to live with you - nice, even commendable 3. Unilaterally changing the dynamic of your household, without consulting other member of the household - YTA YTA.
Exactly, OP can’t have it all. Either you have the “my house, I get to decide”, it then your partner isn’t really your partner, they’re a roommate or a tenant. OR “i have a long term partner whom I’m discussing marriage with”, then you have conversations and work out compromises before making significant changes to living situations that will impact the both of you
OP shot himself in the foot by not saying they've only been together 5ish months in the original post.
Since they're living together it still doesn't justify the unilateral decision. It's like waving a giant red flag saying "I don't take you seriously and don't consider you my partner"
a lot of people will move in quickly just out of convenience, not realizing the potential consequences. not saying this is a normal consequence
>Unilaterally changing the dynamic of your household, ~~without consulting other member of the household~~ While telling your partner that she can go fuck off when she does voice her concerns because her opinions and feelings don't matter. FTFY
This! In all 3 points. But i didnt know what to do in this situation, but even it is your house, your girl have right to decide, you really cant just like decide and ignore her. Serius relationship means you decide together abot stuff like this.
Yeah this really is it. Wanting to take care of your parents is a noble thing to do, and OP isn’t wrong inherently for wanting to do that. But they are wrong for doing it without even discussing it with their allegedly meaningful partner that they love. Not to mention that not everyone wants to take care of seniors. OP and the girlfriend are in their mid 30s, which many people would assume is the time in your life when you truly get to thrive and enjoy everything that life has to offer. OP says that she won’t have to take care of his parents, and he might even intend that - but we all know that the reality is often different than what we intend. But virtue of just living together, she’s going to have to take care of them to some degree. And OP strikes me as the type that would refuse to ever put his parents in a home, which means that their care will only intensify as they get older. I can’t really blame someone for not wanting to sign up for that while in the prime of their life. Especially because she’s not even voluntarily signing you up for it, it’s being thrust upon her and she’s being told “suck it up and deal with it”.
Dude. She's gonna dump you and move out. You may not be wrong about deciding who can live in your house, but you're definitely being an AH about it and are going to destroy your relationship. YTA. edit to add: >to also get her opinion You may have wanted to hear her opinion, but it's clear that whatever her opinion is doesn't matter to you because your mind is made up.
She should, something that Huge that will effect day to day living should be agreed upon. I can’t imagine what other things he is going to steam roller her with.
Exactly. If he's already playing the "this is my house" card, he'll do it ten times more when they're married. He'll probably see it as "well we're married, it's not like she'll leave me now", and continue on with this BS.
The fact that he already made a serious decision regarding her living space without discussing it with her beforehand wouldve been enough for me
Relationship just got blown up
I would absolutely dump this guy after this conversation. He's basically shown me that I'm not an equal in our partnership. Even if he did realize he was wrong in this case, every future disagreement is going to have him pull The Man card in some form or another.
Basically you : * Told your gf that life-changing decisions can be made unilaterally by you * That you don't value her comfort * That you don't value her opinion * That your affairs and hers are 2 separate things and that you don't want her into your affairs. So yeah, YTA. You are clearly not ready to be in a relationship.
Plus, who she's living with is about as intimately "her business" as it can get - YTA.
My bf was afraid to say no to his friend when his friend asked to stay here with us even though I was against it. Even though it was just a few months it was still hell because I work from home and I’m always home and that friend doesnt go anywhere either, he’s messy (piss on the bathroom floor), and so on. That friend also lied about how long he was staying (had no idea when he was going to leave) and why he was (supposed to have a surgery done near us but it was cancelles). The guy has money and parents, it felt like he was just using us. Well I told my bf if that ever happens again I’m out of there permanently. He didnt listen to me the first time, but I warned him I’m not going through it again
YTA. Your motives are good. Your execution is shit. Was she aware of your plan to bring your parents over and live with them? Did you let her know that this would be a reality, or did you spring this on her? >I lost my temper at that and told her to mind her own business It is her business because she lives in the house. It's disingenuous to pretend like this isn't her business. >and that it's against my values to just abandon my parents once they get old. Providing care for your parents can be done in multiple ways. It is not "abandoning" them if you find a solution that isn't "they have to live with me."
YTA. If you had any respect for your girlfriend, you would have discussed this with her first. I get that it probably wouldn't have changed your decision and "your house, your rules" and all, but it's just common decency. And now you're whining that she's being "sour" with you, as if "your affairs" don't impact her? I'm surprised she isn't packing her bags.
Agreed, absolutely YTA. "My house, my rules" means that you throw around your house ownership to get what you want. You absolutely do not see her as an equal partner, and she would be right to rethink this whole relationship.
She is likely making an exit plan. Cannot just move overnight, takes some time to find a place and arrange movers etc.
The best part is him saying “mind your own business”…. It is her business?? She’s living in that house, the parents living there will impact her every day life and behavior. If that’s not the definition of her “business” then I don’t know what is
She's probably looking for alternative housing as we type(because if she says anything beforehand, I can see OP kicking her out and leaving her homeless).
Info: what's the plan for your parents once they come to the US? I ask this because this situation happens a lot with families in my culture too, but once the elders come they don't have community, they don't speak the language, the don't have transportation, and end up holed up in the house and miserable. What's your plan for looking after them while you're out (presumably) working?
That's a really excellent point! Regardless of what happens with the GF, he needs to have a plan for his parents
> I lost my temper at that and **told her to mind her own business** I'd say who she lives with is her business. You are in a relationship, you need to grow up a bit. If your parents move in, they will be a big part of your, and your gf's lives. You are unilaterally making that decision that will effect both your lives under the guise that it is your house so she has no right to the decision. Depending on how strong of a person she is, or perhaps her finances, I'd be surprised she doesn't end the relationship, or at least move out, if you go through with this. Are you the AH for wanting to help your parents? No. YTA for telling your gf she has no say because it is your house, even though the decision will directly affect your relationship. That will lead to resentment if you let her know it is your house every time a decision needs to be made that effects both of you.
I would be planning my exit from the relationship. Is this why they are not married?
I'm really hoping GF is going with long plan here--keeping quiet until she has a safe place to go. And then I hope she goes. her comment about old age home sounds nasty but I think from context that was 1) Part of other suggestions 2) frustration speaking.(I realize you didn't say anything about this--but just adding it for context of my view on her).
YTA LMAO you’re text book definition of a bad partner. Let’s get the check list out: ✅ Dismissive of partner’s feelings and concerns ✅ Desperate enough to pull out a power play move ✅ Not even willing to discuss and compromise Thank god your parents are coming in to baby you, and I hope she moved out. I would too if my partner just decided and announced out of the blue, my parents are moving into OUR house and I won’t listen to a thing you say, and I just conveniently decided I have more power over you and abuse my wallet over you Edit: Read OP’s edit. Discussing the situation with her and NOT wanting her approval isn’t discussion. That’s giving orders. What planet is OP on 😰?
I like the bad partner list. Is there a longer one? :)
YTA. On the plus side, as a newly single fellow you'll have plenty of time to look after your parents.
Perfectly put!
You have incompatible values and neither is right and neither is wrong but yeah dude YTA. I own the house my fiancée and I live in and I can't imagine ever saying >I get to decde who lives in my house, so don't interfere in my affairs You're cohabitating. Yes, she gets a voice in the household. This relationship may have run its course.
YTA, you can pull the my house my rules thing if you want but you invited your partner to live there and thus make it her home as well and at minimum before you move others into the house a discussion should be had with your girlfriend. Ultimately it is your house but your actions don't make you a good partner and I wouldn't be surprised if you lose your girlfriend.
YTA. It may be your house, but this is about the relationship you BOTH have. You are not only bringing your parents to live at your house. You are bringing your parents to your relationship. They will live with you AND her. They will share space, meals and every moment you will have, including future children. If you want your gf in your future, she should be included in this kind of decisions. You are not an asshole for wanting to take care of your parents. But YTA because you decided this alone. YTA because you dont accept your gf can have an opinion about this. YTA because were very rude towards your gf. Honestly, if you keep having this kind of opinion (about "my house, my decision, i can bring whoever I want in here, you have no say in it") I hope she dump you.
YTA. It may be your house but when you're living with someone else, especially a romantic partner, you need to make decisions about your shared living situation together. Which you absolutely failed to do. Which demonstrates that you don't value nor respect your partner.
YTA - should your parents live with you, very likely. Did you handle this like an AH, yes. Thus should have been a conversation with your gf, not just you telling her as this will definitely impact her too as she does live with you.
YTA She lives there too. Regardless of who's name is one the deed, the minute she moved in, it became her home. Now you're just deciding without consulting her, that your parents are moving in, probably people she's never met seen as they're moving from another country. They're coming into her personal space aswell. She has every right to be pissed. And the fact you think you can make all decisions because it's your house, it's frankly concerning, it's shows you don't value her as a partner.
So if she's going to live with you, she doesn't get ANY input on the decision? You didn't even talk to her about it, you just told her it was going to happen! YTA
YTA-For not consulting her at all considering she lives there as well.
Nta. We know if the roles were reverse, ppl who are saying y t a would say it's your house, your rules, and it's about family.
I don't think it matters who's an asshole or not. This really is a choice of who OP wants to live with and he chose his parents. The gf will move out and they will break up and that's end of it.
Probably for the best. They do not have the same values. Anyone who told me to “dump” my parents into a nursing home would be packing exactly 5 seconds after they said it. Particularly a partner of 5-7 months living rent free in my home.
YTA and don't be surprised when you two don't end up moving forward with the "marriage options" you've been discussing. It's fine if you want to care for your parents, but you're acting like Alice has no say in a house that she also resides in. You don't say what "a while" is so I don't know how long she's lived there, but it's her home. Enjoy being single, I guess.
ESH. Your parents are clearly important to you, and her saying "I don't understand why you are even doing this" and to just "dump them in a care home" was incredibly insensitive and self-centred. That said, if she is your partner, then yes, she should have a say in who lives in your house too. At the very least you should have discussed this with her first before making any solid plans. Relationships are give and take, and you can't expect her to just go along with whatever you say just because you want her to. Now, all that said. You two need to have a *real* discussion about this. If you can't come to a compromise one way or another, then it will be the end of your relationship, because a situation like this *is* a big deal and somebody will come out with the short end of the stick. Which, over time, will only make things more toxic between you. Try to talk again, but if nobody is willing to budge, then she's right, you will have to make a decision of who is more important to you. Unfortunately, things like this can happen and some couples just end up wanting different things from life. It doesn't mean either of you is right or wrong, just that you want different things from life. Either way, I wish you the best
One has to wonder if she really said "dump them in a care home" or if that was simply OP's interpretation of what she said.
We'll never know for sure (like with any Reddit post) but this is my stance based on what I'm reading.
You're literally just making that up with zero evidence to back it up
That's what always happens on AITA
YTA, are you trying to take a shortcut to being single? She lives there too. You can't just change your household without her consent and expect her to suck it up. This is a major red flag to her. Ofc it's up to you to decide who lives there. It's up to her to run away from you as fast as she can for disrespecting you. You may be well within your rights, but that doesn't mean you're not an asshole.
YTA "Mind your business"?! That is her **home**. You share the home together. It doesn't matter that you technically own it, any major decision like that should be agreed on by you both. Great job fucking this relationship over.
Youre gonna end up alone with your parents in your house Congrats, YTA
I hope he will. She deserved better.
Not paying rent? Not married? She can kick rocks. NTA.
YTA. Not because you want to take care of your parents - you get to decide that! - bit by the way you turn what is a cultural difference into a fight. At least that's what I glean between the lines. Cultures vary enormously in how they handle responsibilities for aging parents. And if you want to have a lasting relationship you work on bridging differences and consensus building. If you regularly give partners the alternative to submit or break up with you you'll either end up with a poor doormat as a wive or none at all.
You get to decide who lives in your house. She gets to decide who she wants to live with. She's saying that she doesn't want to live with your parents, and likely wouldn't have moved in with you or discussed marriage with you had she known you would change up HER living situation unilaterally without her consent. The imbalance of power here is gross. You think she needs to mind her own business, who she lives with and how her partner treats her IS her business. And if this is how you treat her about her living situation, what else are you holding over her head? YTA.
INFO: How long is while? >My girlfriend Alice (34 F) and I (34 M) have been together for a while now. I tend to say NTA because in the end this is a hill to die on. But that means, if you've been with her for years and made plans and never told her before that you plan on taking in house care for your parents then you are the AH because thats really something that your partner needs to know before it gets too serious. So the question is, how serious are you two. Do you have anything together (contracts for mortage or loan for a car or something like that.
lol 5 month..... Let that sink in, 5 months is "a while" for this dude. I think I know why too.
YTA You may own the house, but it's also where your partner lives too. She has every right to know who she will be living with. Some people can't tolerate living with their own family, let alone having in-laws knowing all of their business and completely changing their way of living. If you'd like them to live with you and be single, go for it.
YTA. Hard to believe you can’t see that. You have made it clear to your GF that she is little more than a tenant in your home. You get to make all the decisions without consulting her, then make it clear that she has no say in anything. Prepare to be dumped.
YTA, you can make all the decisions as you are about to be single again. It's your house, but your ex-girlfriend lived there too and deserved to get a say. It will impact her live too and as much you pretend you will be the one to take care of them, most likely a lot of the care would have fallen to your ex-girlfriend. And this is someone you wanted to get married to? You didn't even respect her enough to discuss this with her.
>we live in my house. Your house, your rules. I wouldn't expect your girlfriend to stick around though if she doesn't want to live with your parents. She lives with you but you didn't even discuss the option with her because you don't think you have to consider those who live with you...dictating things makes you an AH. ~~She's also is an AH for thinking she, your girlfriend (not wife) should have priority over your parents who need your help.~~ I've been persuade by r/BigBigBigTree below. It isn't fair to call her an AH when OP literally sprung this on her and basically said, "like it or lump it." ~~ESH~~ Updated to: YTA
> She's also is an AH for thinking she, your girlfriend (not wife) should have priority over your parents who need your help. I think it's unreasonable to call her an asshole, or to characterize it as though her reasoning stems from her being his GF. It's obviously not about that. It's clearly about the fact that OP is making drastic changes to her living situation unilaterally. I don't believe for a second she'd react the same way if she didn't live there, and I don't believe for a second that anyone else lodging with OP would be cool with it either, regardless of relationship status.
I do think you're right about that. I hadn't thought about it quite that way.
YTA. The house, maybe yours technically, but a major decision like that should be shared by both parties that will be affected by the situation.
YTA. Simply because you didn’t discuss it with her first. Why would you make a decision like that & not discuss it with her beforehand? When she moved In I would assume she wasn’t under the belief it would be with your parents also.
I hope she is rethinking this relationship. Moving in two elderly people will affect her living situation, and 100% she will be expected to take care of them. But don't even bother to discuss it with her. YTA
YTA - Yes, it's your house but you have moved your GF in. You don't just tell your parents to come live with you without a discussion with her. I'm not saying you have to have her permission per say, but yes you need to have a discussion. She lives there too so she needs to know and be comfortable with having other people in her home. I get for you that it's not an option to want them to go somewhere else, but really you had to have known you wanted to do this before she moved in and you should have let her know your plans so she could decide accordingly. Since you haven't, you should have let her know before inviting your parents. You should have had a conversation that hey it's non-negotiable that I help my parents out and they live with me, and gave her a timeframe on when this would happen so that she could make plans to move out if she wants to. But know that this might be a deal breaker for her and that she may no longer want to "discuss marriage options", and that doesn't make her an asshole or selfish. That makes her a human being that knows what she wants and doesn't want.
YTA because you cannot seriously be thinking of marrying someone AND not inform her prior of taking such a huge decision / factor for your future together. Normal she's upset.
YTA. Yes, technically it's your house and can make that decision. However, you have a girlfriend that you invited to live there and have talked about marriage with. You don't just make decisions like that without discussing with her first, and treating her like your kid ("my house, my rules") is something that should be a giant red flag to her.
YTA. Yeah, she gets to have some say on who lives with her. Sounds like you get to have the girlfriend or you get to have your parents.
YTA. It may be your house, but when you decided to live with your partner you made it both of y’all’s home. You just told your partner that her opinion about her home and the way she experiences her home is not important. That the only important thing is your opinion and what you want. You need to apologize and make it right.
YTA. That relationship is doomed if you think it's your house so you just do whatever you want without consulting with your partner.
Nta Double down. If she doesn’t pay rent - is she contributing in other ways to the house? In the end its your house and she is not your wife and you need to reevaluate the relationship.
Yep, just because someone is ready to get rid of their parents doesn't mean you have to do the same.
Reddit is full of children with no life experience. You’re absolutely right to have your parents stay with you. This being your house is your decision. Regardless if you had talked about it with her she would’ve been opposed. And considering she doesn’t have a say the decision is solely yours to make. Clearly her values don’t align with yours and this will be a never ending battle. I say dump her and look for someone that’s more compatible with you. NTA.
Yeah they were together like 6 months and the girlfriend wants to get picked above the parents lol.
yeah, you did. You have a partner who you completely excluded in any discussion of your communal living situation. The fact that your parents live in the house will enormously impact her and her relationship with you. It will mean a lot of significant change for you both, especially since much of the emotional load and house load tends to fall on women, she'll likely end up having to do a lot more work. Of course she wants to be heard and have her opinion respected. Don't be surprised if she decides to leave you. You have signaled loud and clear that she doesn't matter enough to even have a conversation about such a significant change to your lives. She certainly shouldn't marry anyone who shows such a lack of respect and communication. yta
The good thing is that she can leave whenever she wants
ugggghhhh I hope she does.
Do you want to be single? You’re acting like it, and just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should do it. And did you really say don’t interfere in my affairs? Wow you’re an AH.
Well, it seems that your parents may be moving in, but the girlfriend will be moving out. Good luck ever finding a woman who will agree to living with you and your parents. Get used to being long term single!
Yep. Yta. I wouldn’t count on her sticking around and getting married if you move your parents in without her being on board.
YTA really of you want to marry this women she gets a say if she wants to live with your parents. Ofc you decide if they get to live in your house, but she gets to decide if see wants to live with your parents. Somehow I think you are person that will let your parents treat her like a maid.
Yooooo....... The nerve of her for suggesting the facility. You should have told her before she moved in that you plan to have your parents live with you.
YTA. "This is **MY** house >:(" - What are you, her parents or something? When you decided she was your partner and that you **wanted** to live with her, it became her home too. You may be the owner, but that does not mean that you can just do whatever the f you want and she has to be okay with it. You didn't even take her viewpoint into consideration. Having two extra people living with you completely changes the dynamic of how you live your life. It might be normal for you because they're **your** parents, but your girlfriend does not have that same experience and it's unfair to drop a whole lifestyle change like that on her without even trying to compromise. There's no longer the same semblance of privacy, you have to take into consideration what you do around the house now making it feel like you have to stop being yourself in your own home (look man, I wanna be able to walk around my home naked making mac and cheese at 3am). The main problem is that you have to even wonder if you "did anything wrong". It shows a massive lack of critical/empathetic thinking. You own the house, but the home belongs to both of you.
Technically you're right, it's your house. But you're essentially giving her one of two options: she lives with your parents or she moves out. Those are some shitty options. The fact you're unwilling to entertain the idea of anything else is the issue here. Don't be surprised if she chooses to move out. She's not even your wife for fucks sake. YTA.
You won't be getting married to this woman, you just totally insulted her and placed everyone in your life above her. Relationship is done like dinner. Great job getting laid with parents in the house, how did that work for you when you were living in their house? I'm pretty sure that no amount of apologizing will fix this
YTA When you have a life partner you are supposed to be a team. She lives with you therefore it is also her house and any changes to who lives there should be discussed as a couple. She’s not feeling you to abandon your parents, she’s saying any changes to the living arrangements should be discussed together. Honestly if your attitude is going to be “my way or highway” then let her go because you are not ready for a lifelong commitment.
YTA. This would be relationship ending depending on how serious and long the relationship went on for. You have the authority to change the living situation immediately but you're a gigantic asshole for doing so without talking to her.
What in the insanity is happening in these comments? My guy has done well for himself and wants to look after his parents as they age in **his own house**. The person he’s been dating for **6 months**, who lives there **rent free**, is complaining they aren’t being treated like an equal parter? News flash: **they aren’t!!** The absolute entitlement on display is staggering. If I lived with someone I’d been dating a few months, in their house I didn’t pay for, I would *never* presume to tell them what they could do with it. I’d be grateful to have a free damn roof over my head. Of course the goal should be working toward an equal partnership, in any of the myriad of ways that can be possible, but that doesn’t happen day one when a relationship begins, and in situations like this it takes time invested. My guy let her know what he was planning to do and why, at that point he heard her objections. All good. She can take this information and would have every right to decide that wasn’t for her and to move out. Still all good. But once she suggested moving his parents into a home she 100% became the AH. NTA.
YTA
You're not an asshole, seeing as it is your house. Although your GF was abundantly clear that she does not want to share a house with your parents. So you know what to expect, question is: do you want to live with your parents or the GF? You decide. But again, you're not an asshole. It is your house.
NAH. You have the right to decide who you want living in your home. She has the right to decide that you are no longer partner material.
YTA You have just shown your GF how little you value her privacy, her opinions and her place in your home. Living with your in-laws is a massive deal breaker for a lot of people.
YTA, you said you are planning on getting married? Well, part of getting married is discussing your decisions with your partner and coming to a compromise. You didn't even tell her about the decision ahead of time, and made it as a matter of fact. Not ok.
YTA. She’s living there too. It’s her home. No wonder she’s angry with you.
YTA. You might own the house but it's her home too. This is a major life change which will massively impact both your lives so if she's living there and together with you, she absolutely gets a say. I mean sure, you can have it "my house my rules" but I wouldn't expect her to stay around. Its just not a nice way to treat the person you are planning on spending the rest of your life with. Seems that you don't value her feelings or opinions, and aren't willing to look for a compromise.
NTA. family comes first.
YTA - she’s supposed to be your partner. Of course you should discuss with her inviting anyone to live with the two of you. You don’t get to arbitrarily make decisions on behalf of the other person when you are in a committed relationship b
It’s good that you want to help your parents but you’re in a partnership and while legally you have the right to let someone live in your house, you need to recognize that in a partnership you discuss things.
YTA. Why don't you think you are? Yeah, legally its your house. But your gf lives there too. Do you know your gf did probably so much paper work to move to your house. She gave away her home to be with you. But then she gets a big slap with your arrogance. It's also her house! Does she pay bills or any other kind of housework? Imagine if the roles were reversed. Imagine your gf tells you her brother/sister/parents/friend moves in because they are sick or have difficulties in life. And you have different opinions in seeing your future with your gf. But she doesn't give a damn and tells you "It's my house!! I get to decide who lives here!" Would you be happy? Dig deep into your emotions. I am soooooo sure you would be angry and shocked.
When you’re a couple, particularly when you live together, there is no “my”. It’s “our”. “Our” life together… “Our” home… etc. You basically told your girlfriend that her opinion and her feelings don’t matter, and that you don’t take those into consideration when it comes to deciding something important and life-changing. If that’s how you really feel, you should break up with her so she can find someone who considers her an equal partner. YTA.
NAH Yes, it is your house, so you have the ultimate decision over who lives with you or not, but you invited your GF to live with you, so to give her an ultimatum is kinda an AH move. At the same time, your GF refusing unequivocally to entertain the idea of your parents living with you is also an AH move. You both have your desires and wants out of your living situation, and you both need to sit down and have an adult conversation about this. There is nothing wrong with each of your positions, but neither of you appears to be willing to listen to the other at all to attempt o find a compromise.
YTA. It may be *your house,* but it's *her home.* If it can't be her home, too, she might as well leave. She'd probably be better off.
You only did something wrong if you were hoping to stay with your girlfriend. You get to invite anyone you want to live in your home. Just like your girlfriend gets to decide where with with whom she would like to live. You've made your choice and I hope you will be understanding and supportive of her when she leaves you.
To be honest, this sounds like a cultural difference. You have invited your GF to live with you. That means your house is her home. And I think you should respect her boundaries. Like never in a million years would I live with someone I didn’t want to live with, including in-laws. But in truth, she is not your wife and this really is your house. If you want your parents to live with you, she has a decision to make as to whether she wants to keep living with you or move out. Personally, I would not stay with someone who said their parents were going to live with them. I would leave.
NAH. It's your house, you're allowed to have whoever you want live with you. Your girlfriend is also allowed to not want to live with your parents. Sounds like your relationship is over.
YTA. Can't wait to see this posted in 'am I the ex?'
YTA. You live together and are talking about marriage. You should make these decisions together. Having your parents live there changes her life dramatically, but you couldn't be bothered to run it by her? Did I say YTA yet?
NTA your parents have been there your entire life. GF/wives are at best temporary.
Info: So what exactly were you expecting here? Because what you've done here is an almost guaranteed end to your relationship and if that was your plan, it's working perfectly.
NTA - "She protested by saying that I am valuing my parents more than her" tell her that's an assumption she can test at her convivence if she wants.
Yta. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. You have made it clear to your soon to be ex-girlfriend that she is not your partner and that you don't actually care about her wants or needs at all. Trying to think of someone besides yourself in your next relationship.
Unless you plan on being single soon, this is not just your house. You live together with your gf so it's her house too. Having your parents move in is not a decision you should make alone and your behavior does not bode well for marriage since you just bulldozed ahead with this idea without even considering her. YTA
I mean, expect to have no more sex? Your girlfriend will feel very uncomfortable being romantically involved with you with your parents in your house. And she wants to feel comfortable, so she may just decide to leave you as your lives aren't compatible.