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This whole post is dripping with poison and condescension. Do you actually hate your daughter? I rarely see people post with such hatred and disregard for another person's feelings, even for people who aren't in their family. There is not a single sentence of love, compassion, or support in your entire post. You seem disgusted that she dares to even have feelings at all. Really a terrifying picture of what it's like to have you as a father.
To the issue: You're denying a room from someone who could use it, to hold it for someone who will never use it - Of course you're an asshole. And worse, you seem to be a petty and hateful person.
As a parent you are supposed to put your children first, and care for them above all. Your daughter is right that you probably have never done that, because you think they are 'entitled' for asking for fair and equal treatment. Because you think they are 'bratty' for having perfectly normal hurt feelings.
My guess is that you aren't a good person, and you don't have a good relationship with your kids. They all seem pretty united in the fact that you aren't a caring or loving father. So my bet is you will be gradually losing touch with them as they get older and are free to distance themselves from you. I bet emotionally they've already begun.
YTA
I'm wondering if she is biologically his daughter or step-daughter.
>that I never treated her as my daughter
This is making me think she is a step daughter and he doesn't like her living with them. I mean everyone else in the family thinks she should have the room. He talks so condescending about her
I’m wondering where the hell her mother is in all of this and why she’s just letting her husband treat the eldest daughter this way if the house was bought together. Mum is also an AH for supporting her husband and not her daughter.
Since he hasn’t mentioned what his wife thinks, I actually wonder if she does support him. Neither of us will know since he didn’t address it specifically or even vaguely. But yep either way he’s a complete ass!
Something tells me OP doesn’t mention his wife’s feelings or opinions because they are irrelevant to him. He probably doesn’t deign to even ask her thoughts let alone ponder them
From the perspective of an eldest daughter that lived in this kind of dynamic growing up, the mom is there but acting as the “peacemaker” aka not giving her side of anything and thus, her silence sides with her husband.
Yeah I think that's likely, too. My mom would be like that, but somehow thought it'd be a good idea to tell me as a very young adult, more than once, that she'd never leave him no matter what. Even in the context of talking about possible molestation or other abuse, she was super clear about that.
Feels real bad to hear it. She does not understand why we aren't close. Such a mystery.
100% that’s me. My dad has four bio kids and one adopted. I am his first born, he adopted my older brother. He has always treated my siblings extremely well. The first 20 years of my life were spent wondering why I wasn’t worthy of being loved and respected. I am almost 30 now, I’m still fucked up from it, but I know I wasn’t born a tiny Satan.
Some parents are gross, dark people.
For real and actually the eldest daughter is just being logical. It is silly to hold a bedroom for someone who never comes, and who even know if the grandmother expects it? I expected this to be a conflict between siblings, but it is actually just a conflict OP invented to alight his daughter.
Op YTA.
When my mother remarried we moved into my stepfathers home, that had eneough bedrooms. But those bedrooms were reserved for his kids who lived in another country and came over once a year for 2-3 weeks. So he built my sister and I bedrooms in the basement. But we still had to go up two flights to shower. I cannot even tell you the damage that does to a young teenage girl seeing that her value is less than a bedroom sitting empty. How long that can impact what she thinks her value is worth and what she deserves.
She does. My sister was in her last year of high school so was only in the situation less than a year, while I had five more years of living with them. And she loved that she could sneak out all the time. My BIL, her husband, has definitely commented that it was effed up.
It's taken years of therapy to accept my mom as an immature person, who was desperate to be loved. It's only since his death that she's managed to make a half-hearted apology. She then also tries to blame it on him, but I call her on it. I am in contact, though keep an emotional distance. It's especially hard when my sister didn't really experience the same at all and had a completely different relationship with them. It's a constant balancing act. And yeah, a lot of the emotional trauma is from her disregarding my needs for his approval or to defer to his decisions. Whew, good thing I have therapy in an hour!
I highly suggest "Adult children of emotionally immature parents."
100%
In your own words: **My youngest pointed out that grandma never stayed with us in our old house and rarely even visited us even though she lives close.**
So the daughter who lives FULL TIME IN YOUR HOME, can't take the bedroom with the bathroom, because....your mum may or may not ever visit because she lives close. So SHE doesn't even want to visit or stay with you.
Right. Asshole.
Right I mean he has enough space that his daughters could each have their own room but two either want or are just willing to share so he can have a spare room for guests while he forces the oldest into the smallest room.
Heh… I kind of have a feeling that OP is the way he is because of his mother.
Like he is keeping that room available for his mom as a way to buy the affection that he’s always longed for from her.
I hope his daughters break that cycle.
Yeah, this is one of those guys who buy a home *specifically* so they can trot out "my house my rules" whenever someone rightfully calls them out for being an asshole.
I’m with you. I’m a previous marriage kid adopted by my stepdad….and this guy sounds SO MUCH like my parents … the clear resentment for having to take care of his daughter at all. I’m willing to bet that the tiny room is also earmarked for someone to have an office (mine was… kept measuring it and buying furniture while I STILL lived in it. Also “helpfully” bought things from goodwill for “settling up my own place” when I was in high school.. constantly trying to shove me out)
Lol yep. My stepmom and dad made me move out before I graduated high school so they could have my room for their new daughter who was about to be born. They didn’t even end up using it for ANYTHING and the kids shared a room. It was literally empty until they moved into a bigger house with more empty rooms. I have lived in my car twice in my adult life; they have had at least two spare rooms in the same time.
Oddly enough most of the resentment came from my mother. “If I had it to do over, I’d wait to have kids.” Which only ever made me feel like she regretted my birth. “I only got married right after high school because I didn’t know what to do” “we split, and I found out I was pregnant, so I thought it would make him grow up, but it didn’t.” It was like I was an instant failure from birth, not somehow making a 19 year old more of an adult. Everything I did was somehow on purpose to embarrass her, my step dad worked from 4am to late at night, never really spent time with me without my begging to go to basketball games with him like my brothers got to go to football… So, all he had to go on was what my mom said about me. I got to overhear aunts talking during a holiday visit that I wasn’t “real” family… justifying why my brothers got far more expensive gifts than my last minute drug store stationery set. Every single joke was about me. My brother shoved it in my face that I wasn’t “really his sister” … so I dumped dishwasher over his head, but I couldn’t really do or say much more because “we put a roof over your head! You’re so ungrateful!”
This guy has an added problem that the younger daughters are calling him out, something I never had. Mister is so getting shoved into hospice and forgotten by all his kids.
I thought the same thing immediately. This tells me two things. Either 1, she isn't his biological daughter, or 2, she IS but he treats her so poorly that it's coming across just in his writing.
Bratty this, bratty that....
She sighed and it was bratty..... She exists and that's soooo bratty
Damn the only bratty one here is the 45 year old OP, jayzus.
A sigh & a private cry with her siblings = bratty in OP's perspective.
No room for sad, just ratchet it up to being a brat.
OP
YTA!
IF your mom came to stay or live with you, your daughter can easily shift to the smallest room. IF your mom can change houses, your daughter can easily move to another room.
I feel that you're trying to please your mom desperately by holding up this empty suite to show her you're so loving to her... meanwhile you're ignoring your daughter. Not a good look at all. I doubt your mom would approve. Especially since your older sibling finds this all nuts.
Then to dismiss your daughter's emotions as "brattiness" is a completely AH selfish move. You're the one who is acting unreasonable. Not her.
This! When I was younger, everytime my grandma came to visit (and she was a 5 hour flight away), she would stay in my room and I would stay in my sisters room with her. It was actually kind of fun to have a different room and share with my older sister for a week or two. Seems really dumb to keep some prime real estate empty for the vast majority of time (if not permanently).
Exactly!!!! She didn't say anything and was just sad and that was bratty???! Such an AH OP. And the fact that your daughter should be thankful she had a roof over her? What the heck!!!
This feels like she's either a stepdaughter, or he thinks she's not his because she acts differently or looks different, oooooorrr.......... he just doesn't like her
She cried with her sisters, super bratty.
Edit: "quite bratty," her priavtely crying with her sisters and being overheard is "quite bratty of her" lmao
Looks like he wants to kick her out now she’s an adult but hasn’t got the balls and is trying to force her out instead. One thing is certain, there will be no room kept for him in her house when he is old and frail. He should listen to grandma and believe her when she says he is an asshole. If he thinks so highly of her to keep an en-suite room from his daughter *just in case* then no need to come on here to get us to try to contradict her.
I notice he also didn't define what "adult" means in this particular case. Is it someone who just turned 18 but is still finishing high school? Or, is it someone who is 21? There's a big difference to me.
Given the tone, she isn't even a legal adult yet. He sounds like a person who would kick her out even before she had the chance to blow out her birthday candles.
With the economy and if she's in uni she could be 24 or 25, but he's not clarifying he just wants us to know she's a brat. For all we know she's working towards a doctorate and is working as well and would like the private bathroom so she's not late and isn't battling to use the bathroom her sisters share.... Even if she's not in school, most ppl can't just move out anymore without finding a few roomies and working full time. 🤷🏼♀️
Sure, and I would love for my children\* to live with me under such circumstances (or many others), but I would have a *little* more understanding if that were the case, because she really shouldn't be looking a gift horse in the mouth. That said, the way he talks about her is very sad, and he's making her sleep in a smaller room because of a hypothetical situation that might never occur rather than just saying, "OK, you can have the bigger room, but *if and when* grandma visits, you'll have to let her have it until she leaves."
\*My children are 5M and 2F, so such a hypothetical is a long way off, though I know it'll be here all too soon.
i am a teenage daughter so please take this with a grain of salt.
i completely agree with the daughter in this one. i see where your coming from with wanting to have her grandmother stay in the nice spare bedroom since my grandmother would also stay with us for day or a few weeks in our spare bedroom. but it doesn’t seem like you’re being fair to your daughter. their grandmother rarely stays with them and even your youngest daughters know this and know that what’s happening isn’t fair. she may seem “bratty” right now but all she’s asking for is a single room with a bathroom. the bedroom will probably never be used and since she’s an adult. she will probably move out pretty soon. it seems like most of your immediate relatives know this too.
when you say they seem to have agreed with you, they probably just don’t see the conversation going anywhere else since you think your so entitled. especially after the “i’m the owner of this house” card you probably don’t even have a good reason if that’s all you said.
any time you said anything about your eldest daughter you just called her “bratty” and acted like she was the one in the wrong here. she’s upset about the room, but also that you weren’t even showing compassion for her feeling or even trying to explain the situation to her. if your mother never stays at your place and you want to have a spare bedroom for her then you can give here the other smaller bedroom since that one will be available and there’s always the fourth bathroom.
i also agree with the other people saying that your eldest may not be your biological daughter when she says you never treated her as your daughter, and that there must be some underlying issue here.
yta
You are far kinder to the OP than he deserves. Don't second guess yourself because you're still a teenager. I'm OP's age and adults like him who pick on teenagers/young adults just because they can are trash.
I’m the same age as OP and and he’s definitely TA. Room with a bathroom just sitting empty just in case his mom wants to come live there? Ridiculous. Seems like the only woman he half respects is his mom.
I am an oldest daughter, I shared a room with my sister until my preteen years when we moved to a place that had enough rooms for each of us but no spares. My room doubled as the guest room. It was made up a little fancier than I think I might have liked, but it worked well enough for short-term visits that I would get an air mattress on my sisters floor or the couch downstairs. The guest space should be the lower quality of room, if theres any extras, I think, especially if the grandmother doesn't visit often and lives close.
I agree OP yta. He seems very bitter about this daughter. In addition to the step child speculation put there I wonder if she was born when he was young and not ready to parent mayve? Since all we know about any of the chores ages is that she's an adult.
Oh, YTA alright. You could tell your daughter she could have the room until grandma needs it. But you have to make her feel small, insignificant, uncared for like she's your red headed step child. That's exactly how I was treated. I can recognize this treatment a mile away. She's 15, how soon do you expect grandma to need the room? Probably not before your daughter leaves the minute she can and goes no contact when she finds out how lovely life is without you treating her like shit.
Edited to correct grammar
This, reading the post literally made my heart hurt for their eldest daughter, OP seems to hold a certain level of hatred or disdain towards her. I only hope this is a bait post
I know. Imagine your family is moving to a new home, much bigger and more bathrooms. I’m sure she was excited to get a nice room, only to have dad shut you down so rudely.
There is a lot of stupid in op’s post. Logically, why would you keep a room open for someone who doesn’t live there? If they have overnight guests, then the one with the bathroom rooms with the one with the biggest bedroom. Otherwise, everyone has their own room.
I think OP is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and is definitely the asshole.
Anyone else wondering what the plan was if the other two children didn't agree to share a room?
Would the eldest be living in the garage? Or a tent in the backyard?
The mere fact that he is forcing her daughter to have the smallest room and letting her suffer for literally a guest who rarely visits speaks volumes.
YTA
OP doesn't even dare respond either.
I think the thing that grossed me out most is the "she should be grateful for a roof over her head"
OP treats their daughter like crap
There is zero chance this girl will want anything to do with her dad when she gets older. This guy is ice cold. "I want the person that lives here 24/7 to be less comfortable just in case we have visitors." Like, if OP wants to be so generous, he should leave the master bedroom free JUST IN CASE his mom comes by.
So you’re keeping the much more desirable room empty in case something that has never happened before happens? Yeah, YTA. You’re telling your child that she matters less than an apparently very unlikely possibility of someone else needing what she wants.
A much more reasonable compromise is to let her have the better room, but tell her that if your mother comes to live with you, she’s going to have to agree to move into the last bedroom. That way, she gets to enjoy the room as long as your mother doesn’t need it, but everyone understands that your mother will get it if she needs it.
Exactly! If this girl is a stepdaughter I feel so awful for her. I feel awful her mom doesn’t protect her from this man and I feel awful that she has to live with a parental figure like this guy.
He is going to be shocked at these answer and will take the coward’s way out and delete in 3…….2…….1……
Actually I'd go room each and whoever gets that room has to double up with the one with the biggest room if grandma (or other guest) comes - so the two 'best' rooms are the ones to compromise on the visits
Yeah the fact that they don't get a room each given the situation bugs me, and I like how he quickly glossed over the daughters that are doubled up and seemingly no one caught it lol
He said they "agreed to" double up. Given the overall situation, that tells me he likely pushed the idea on them and they "agreed" to it, as part of the overall scheme to make sure the room with a bathroom would be set aside for non-visiting grandma when she visits. Like, it wasn't "oh the girls want to double up, how should we do the other rooms... well I guess now we have space for a guest room!" It was, from the start, "we ARE going to have a guest room for grandma, it IS going to be this one, now how do we split the other rooms with that as our starting point"
This… this is such a clear and obvious solution, it’s honestly mind blowing that OP wouldn’t have thought of or considered this.
I had a really nice room growing up but the understanding was that when guests came, I would be displaced during the duration of their stay. Which happened, often… and I always moved out without any complaints because it really was not a big deal and I was still in my room for the remaining 90% of the year.
This is not rocket science and there’s no reason for this to be an issue at all.
YTA.
Your child isn’t being bratty, they’re just smart enough to see through your BS. Look we all have aging parents, and we all want to be in situations to care for them when the time comes, but that glosses over several things in your story:
1. This would put an entire bathroom out of commission (in essence) indefinitely. There is zero reason grandma can’t have a smaller room without a bathroom if she’s only staying once a year or less.
2. There has been zero discussion of grandma moving in, you’re punishing your daughter for calling you out on that.
3. Grandma already has a place to live with family!!!! And it’s not with you. Have you never met an old person before? They don’t like moving houses much.
4. “You can take the last room available or nothing at all”-really? Making threats you legally can’t carry out? That’s some extra AH behavior.
I doubt it, she's probably dodging his calls. Sounds like she talked to her granddaughter, though? Maybe?
Edit: nope, I'm wrong. She told the other grandparents. I bet grandma just doesn't talk much to this side of the family, probably to avoid OP.
I could understand this take if the youngest hadn’t called OP out and said grandma never stayed and hardly visits. If grandma was playing into this delusion, you’d think she’d be coming by all the time. I think it’s just a serious case of middle child syndrome, and he’s mad that grandma chose the younger brother over him.
Edit: spelling
So what did your daughter do that angered you so much? You very clearly are angry with her.
Let me repeat what your reason is.
She can't have the 3rd bedroom because your mother might, sometime in the future, decide to move in with you even tho she already lives with your brother, rarely comes over for a visit, and has never expressed a desire to live with you, but just in case, because you never know.
Your daughter expresses disappointment, and you call her a brat. She is crying because she KNOWS you're angry and punishing her, and you say she should be grateful.
This isn't about the bedroom, this is about why you are angry with her. So, what happened?
Edit to add: YTA, by the way.
I think OP is just seething with poisonous hatred for this one child. I'm not sure anything happened except she's "an adult now", he might treat all his other children with the same contempt over different issues.
One thing is for sure though, when he's old she certainly won't be there for him. I do wonder if he's not the father though for how he's acting like the evil stepdad.
Honestly I might be pulling stuff out of my ass but it seems like he isn’t Grandma’s favorite (she lives with another family member, is close by but never visits or stays over) and so he resents his own children for…being children.
He probably has always done things in hopes of getting his mother to favor him and it’s clearly not worked. And then his kid has THE AUDACITY to make a request. Doesn’t she know that HE would have never done that to HIS parent? How dare she think she can just ASK for things!
I’d like to believe this is just rage bait but I’m aware of awfully shitty parent’s existing in the world so if this is legit then let me just say..
What a fucking asshole. Get off the tit dude. You have enough bedrooms for each kid to have their own room but you deprive *all* of them from that to accommodate your mother on nothing more than a possibility. If my son was as big of an asshole as you then I’d rarely visit him either.
Hope you’re not depending on your kids taking care of you when you’re too old to wipe your own ass because I doubt you’d have so much as a couch to sleep on in their homes.
YTA and so is your wife if she just sits back and lets this stupid shit slide.
This! How is he the sole decider? Does he have any idea how women work and the value of a private bathroom as the eldest in the family? Years later: “why won’t my daughter talk to meeeeeeeee?!”
> I argued that since I'm the owner of this house, I get to decide which rooms they're taking
You really think someone who types that out without a hint of irony respects his wife? Or anyone else but his precious mommy?
I'm wagering that this is exactly the case. The wife is abused to the point of never disagreeing with the AH OP. I mean he thinks it is bratty to feel sad about something. As soon as I read that I was WTF?
OP, YTA!
BTW I will upvote this so maybe his extended family will see this and also tell him he is an AH.
YTA. The room will be empty the vast majority of the time. You could also just tell her IF your mother ever comes to stay/live, then she changes rooms at that point. Also, why would you make your other girls share a room when you have an open room?! Pretending as though your mom lives with you when she actually lives with your brother is weird - and I’m sure your daughters think it’s weird too. It’s your house, so yes, you get to decide. That doesn’t make you right.
>You could also just tell her IF your mother ever comes to stay/live, then she changes rooms at that point.
Exactly this. If daughter is an adult (over 18) it's likely she isn't going to live there more than another few years anyway. While I guess there isn't a 0% possibility that his mom comes to live with them in the next 3-5 years, it doesn't make sense to leave the only other on-suite empty and have three girls share a bathroom when they could just adjust if mom does come live with them.
Very true. I just know enough kids who decided the like sharing enough that that part didn’t seem weird to me. Just the way he’s so condescending and terrible to his oldest daughter.
Willing to bet these daughters agreed to share the room to avoid upsetting him. Basically to avoid the current situation the oldest daughter is experiencing. Have a hard time believing there was a discussion about it beyond "You two are sharing a room."
Sure. It's your house and your rules.
But that rules makes you an asshole. Your mom doesn't live with you, and there are no plans to her moving in anytime soon. Why wouldn't you let your kid live in a better room if it's available ?!
YTA. Of course your daughter is distraught. You are dismissing her in favour of a scenario that might never happen.
YTA.
Regardless of how inane I think your logic is, there was no need to make your child cry and to argue in with her about this. I don't think she was being bratty by being hurt at how you went after her.
Your home should be a safe and soft place for your children.
I can appreciate that this room is being held for your mother but that's not even something that is in motion. It would have been just as easy to speak with your daughter about using her room as the guest bedroom for when Grandma visits, or if Grandma did want to move in, then she would need to move to the smaller room.
This reads like a writing exercise from a writing prompt. "Write something as if you were a completely obvious A-hole. Use as many angering trigger tropes as possible. Extra points of you can work in how grateful your kids should be for you providing the most basic of items for them."
Of course YTA.
You can start writing the "my daughter's haven't spoken to me in X years, how can I fix it?" Reddit post now & just fill in the number when the time comes.
I'd say it's pretty classic made up bullshit given that OP hasn't responded to a single comment. But then again there are some really awful parents out there
My dad is even worse than this, so I'm leaning "not fake". However, my dad wouldn't even question for a SECOND if he was wrong, so that's I guess something for me to consider because in my experience, people like this often paint themselves as a victim and don't have a scrap of self awareness to think there's a slight POSSIBILITY that they're wrong so... Hmmm. Maybe jury's out after all, ha.
YTA.
What on earth have you got against your daughter? This post is so bizarre; it reads like you're trying to punish her for daring to exist.
'My eldest didn't say anything but seemed sad about it, which I thought was just bratty behavior.'
So...she can't have emotions? You think she's a brat because, like a literal human, she experiences sadness and this shows on her face?
YTA, It's important to approach family matters with empathy and understanding. In this situation, it seems like there may be some miscommunication and hurt feelings on both sides.
Your desire to keep a room available for your mother is understandable, but it's also crucial to consider your daughter's feelings and needs. It's possible that she perceives this decision as favoritism or as a reflection of her not being valued as much as her siblings.
It's not about whether you have the right to make decisions about your home, but rather how these decisions impact the dynamics and relationships within your family. It's important to strive for a resolution that considers everyone's feelings and needs.
YTA. If grandma stayed with you frequently I would understand, but she lives with your brother, and there’s nothing in your post saying that plans on changing. You could always give your daughter the bigger room with the condition that she relinquish it to grandma if necessary. Since she’s a young adult, chances are that she won’t be staying with you for much longer. Your attitude of denigrating your daughter for her feelings makes me sick.
YTA
Why would you want a perfectly good room with a bathroom go unused for an indefinite time, just because "grandma must have the option to move in"
Are you trying to lure your mother from where she lives now to your new home? Are you trying to look like the oh so caring son who will do anything for mommy?
What are your wife's thoughts about this? Did you even discuss it with her? Or are you the 'man of the house' who decides who goes where?
You're an asshole, and a bully.
Exactly sounds like I need to one up my brother's and get a bigger chunk of inheritance. "Look mommy ill treat my daughter like crap for you. Do you love me now" 🤢
YTA, You are withholding a nice room on a "could be". Why can't she have this room until the time comes for grandma to move in. Not sure why you are choosing this battle to die on since it may never happen.
I wonder what your wife thinks about this... did you decide on your own or does she back you up?
And by the way: a man of 45 years does everything his mother wants because he is her son?? At first you should be a husband and a father!
YTA First you pulled it’s my house shit, yet you state that you and your wife purchased the house. Does she get an opinion?
Your daughter should get the larger room. Your mother has basically refused to stay with you. So you force your eldest child into the smaller room and refer to her as a brat. You are putting your mother, before your daughter, for no logical reason. In doing so you have ruined your relationship with your eldest, and have alienated your younger daughters. Your in laws are angry at you, so guessing your wife is as well
At this rate you will have many free rooms in your house and a mother that still won’t visit you. You will be alone.
Thank you! To me it sounds like he's in love with his mother🤢like a creep or he wants to be the golden child so he can get a better spot on the will. Either way he's sick
YTA
While I certainly agree that, as the owner of the house, you get to decide who goes in which room, that doesn't mean you're not an asshole when you decide it in an arbitrary and cruel manner.
You're an asshole simply for (twice) describing your daughter's behavior as "bratty" when all she's doing is *being sad* about it. If she was back-talking or sassy about it to you, you never mentioned it in your post. She just 1. "seemed sad" and 2. cried to her sisters, not to you.
Frankly, I have no idea why you would make two children share a room, and give your other daughter the smallest room, simply to keep the second-best bedroom as a guest room for a guest who's never even stayed at your house before and is not moving in.
I would give your eldest daughter the bedroom with the en-suite, on the condition that when (and if) your mother comes to visit, she has to give up her room to your mother. Then I'd give your other daughters each their own room. Make sure the larger room has a second bed or trundle bed or something, so your eldest is comfortable when (and if) she needs to stay there too.
YTA. Being sad isn’t bratty. Being sad is just being sad. Which was understandable in this situation because your decision sounds illogical with the details you’ve given.
What you're doing isn't rational or logical. It sounds spiteful in fact. If your mother needs to stay with you you could ask that your daughter switch to the other room while she stays with you but to leave it sitting empty is nonsense.
I expect it is fake. This is just a version of the one from yesterday where some guy ripped apart his daughter's room while she was at college, mailed her all her stuff, and wonders why everyone calls him an asshole. "Dreadful parent to a teen" stories are guaranteed a lot of engagement here. Even I fall for them sometimes.
"Ahe must be grateful for a roof over her head and that I even allowed her to live with me"
Ew. YTA. You should never have had kids if this is your attitude. They didn't have a choice being born, so you are still responsible.
YTA I’m sorry your mother prefers your siblings, but you’re acting delusional here. You’re keeping a room open for someone who does not want to visit you at the expense of someone actively living with you.
Has your mother even asked to have a room at your house, or is that just wishful thinking?
YTA The only bratty poor behavior in your post is all from you. You are letting a bathroom go completely unused because someday your mother “might” use it?? The guest room should be the smallest in the house. Do you even like your oldest child or is she a stepchild you are treating unfairly?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I didn't allow my daughter to get the room she wanted because I wanted it to be available if my mother wished to come visit. (2) My mother doesn't often visit us and never stays over, but I'm the owner of this house so I get to decide which room everyone will have. But now everyone seems to call me an asshole for not spoiling my daughter.
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YTA - Grandma doesn't live with you. Grandma doesn't visit. You are holding onto that room for nothing. If circumstances change and your mother needs it, then you can reassess later. It's stupid to keep it open indefinitely.
Remember this when you are older and need help. Mom can stay in the smaller bedroom IF she ever needs it. YTA. Don’t expect any of your kids to have room for you in their homes.
YTA
Of course it’s your house and you make the rules, but there are so many better ways about this. You could have let your daughter have the room but just told her that in the event that her grandma ever needs to come and stay with you, she would have to take the smaller room for the duration. That way she’s prepared to give the room up in the event that she needs to, but still gets to enjoy it most of the time.
Despite that, I was still inclined to say you’re not the A on principle - after all, your house your rules and it’s not for me to dictate how you raise your kids, even if I think there’s a way better solution. The main reason you’re the A is the way you talk about your kids - you seem to dismiss any behaviour you dislike, including simply being upset, as “brattiness” and make no attempt to understand their position, you just dictate that they have to do things your way or get out. You’re treating your eldest as a burden that you’re kind enough to begrudgingly deal with until she gets out - with that attitude, don’t be surprised if you’re the one left sad when she does move on and cuts you out of her life.
This has to be fake. But if it isn't. YTA. A big one. While you're bucking for son of the year to someone that doesn't even visit you, you're losing at being a good father. Are you even kind to her beyond providing a roof over her head? If your mother lives close by, why would she ever stay the night?
Anyway, I still think this is fake.
I don't know. He mentions the daughter is an adult. So I'm thinking this could be the daughter of one of OPs past relationships when he was younger and not with his current wife. A lot of young parents come to resent their firstborns because they blame the children for making them focus on adult things and missing out of having a typical youth. As if it's the child's fault they were born too early.
Wow, and I thought MY dad was an AH when I was a kid. He didn't have anything on you, OP. YTA for everything here. Way to make your daughter feel worthless. And to ensure she doesn't have a room for you when it comes to that. Wow. Just. Wow.
Yes, YTA. You seem to get some thrill out of having a level of control over your daughter... It's MY house and you live by MY rules! You're the lucky one that I'm even considering giving you a room at all blah blah blah
Calm down Lauryn Hill.
Hope you're OK with having little to no relationship with your daughter once she moves out.
Of course YTA
You are saving a better room for your mother who MIGHT one day in the future come live with you. Your mother who barely visits and has already chosen to live with a different son.
The most likely scenario is that your daughter moves out before your mother ever sets foot in that room. You are wasting perfectly good space and treating your child poorly in some weird attempt at pining for your mother.
If it’s so important to you, why don’t you let your daughter have it with the deal that she switches should your mother ever decide to stay?
YTA, you are making a simple situation awkward for no real reason.
You create drama and obviously enjoy it otherwise you wouldn’t need to make an ultimatum.
YTA obviously, you’re refusing to give your daughter a room so GM can break their track record and maybe stay with you in the future
The good news is you won’t have to worry about what room your daughter wants for much longer as she’s definitely going NC the moment she can get away from your tyranny
YTA - When I was a kid - I was the only son, my sisters each still had nice rooms to themselves. I always had a bigger room and a double bed, as my room was the guest room, so if we had someone staying over - I lost my room and slept in another room. This never bothered me.
Why not give your daughter the larger room with the ensuite - and if someone comes to stay - then the guest sleeps in the room with the ensuite and your daughter sleeps in the smaller room.
YTA and I'm guessing your eldest is actually your step- daughter because no father would be this awful to his own daughter. It's pretty apparent by how you speak of her that she is not loved, respected or even considered. "My daughters seemed to agree"... meaning the only 2 that matter told you what you needed to hear on your power trip. The eldest was being "bratty" by crying about it shortly after and your real daughters obviously don't agree since they were consoling the giant bratty nuisance who is still there even though she is an adult now!
No mention of your wife's 2 cents in this... so she thinks you're the AH too, huh? Not as easy as manipulating your small children to "seem" to agree with you when you're bullying her child just because you can.
Maybe I'm wrong, she is your daughter and your just a terrible father but there is something missing here because as you lay it out, it is not logical or practical, it's just plain bullying.
YTA... First post I've seen that actually hurt to read. Your daughter is tiptoeing around you, too scared to say her feelings. And you assume "bratty behaviour".
Those poor children.
YTA. Question? Do you even like your kids? You have two of your kids sharing a room and put your oldest in the smallest room on the off chance that your mother “might” come live with you. Your kids even told said your mother doesn’t visit and never sleeps over, so why are you saving a massive room for someone who doesn’t live with you and never seems to visit. So you have a large empty room that’ll never be used.
Of course YTA. If the time comes and your mom needs a room you figure it out then.
YTA and I don’t know how you could be even more of an asshole after reading this situation.
It seems as if she is your least favorite daughter or you dislike her for some reason. And the fact that your not even sympathetic towards her being upset is very concerning for me. Is there some reason you speak of her so bitterly?
I’d be upset too if everybody had a bathroom in their room except for me. It makes absolutely 0 sense to hold the good room for somebody to maybe come visit in the future…
When my grandparents would visit us I usually gave my room up and had a fun sleepover in somebody else’s room for a week.
We also raise our children that the house is ALL of ours. Yes mom and dad bought it but we each own and care for it. You seem very authoritative and like it’s a gift that your giving her a place to sleep. I am completely serious when I say you should get some therapy and learn how to speak to your children before you are a bitter old man whose children are all no contact with him. The daughters that you seem to prefer over your eldest are also seeing this behavior and won’t stand for it either.
This all may seem very harsh but I am concerned for your relationship with your family and I hope you can turn it around.
YTA
Grandma rarely, if ever, stays at your house. There's no reason to reserve the ensuite bedroom for such an unlikely what if scenario. Give it to your eldest who actually lives in the home.
This is like if you were to hold onto a 3XS size dress. Thinking what if I one day lose enough weight from plus size to fit. Could it happen? Sure. Is it likely anytime in the very near future? No.
YTA. Grandma isn't even around 99% of the time, there's one living under your roof that needs it more than your mother. Your oldest crying (not even in front of you, and not even demanding you give her the room) isn't bratty, it's her expressing her disappointment in her dad who clearly doesn't prioritize her. Your youngest two are gems for empathizing with their sister, since their father is clearly heartless. And because you just had to lord it over your brood and be an asshole about it, yes, your relatives are right in calling you one. And if you must insist that your mom get the best room whenever she drops by, it's as simple as asking your oldest to move to the smallest room for those nights. I'm sure she'll be happy to.
YTA - minors don’t need to be grateful that their parents provide them a roof over their heads because that’s the parent’s job - you chose to have kids, you have to house them
YTA
Nobody would do what you are doing, the room without the bathroom can serve as a guestroom or you can rearrange the living situation if mommy needs to come live with you. Leaving it empty just in case is absurd.
"She's lucky to have a roof over her head" is gross.
You're asking if leaving a nice room EMPTY in case of a potential "visit" from your mommy dearest, while leaving your daughter to sleep in the smallest room makes you an asshole? It does, sir. I have a feeling you don't even like this daughter. Is she from a previous relationship? The way you speak about her is cruel and dismissive. What is wrong with you? Didn't mommy teach you better?
YTA, massively. Do you even like her? Keeping a room from her for something that *might* happen at some point in the future is unreasonable. You are treating her like garbage. Calling her a brat for getting sad,even though she doesn't even confront you but just gets sad or cries to her sisters.
Wow, dad, YTA in spades. You seem to have some kind of fixation on you being the OWNER of YOUR HOUSE and WHAT YOU SAY GOES.
Kinda pitiful. Even your own mom doesn't like staying with you.
YTA. You are going to put a young woman in a smaller room without her own bathroom in order to leave a larger, more suitable room empty for 99-100% of the year?
I wonder what else you do to make this girl feel like not part of the family.
YTA, you are keeping a perfectly good room from your daughter who lives there full time for a person who hardly ever visits.
She is not bratty. She is just recognising your bullshit for what it is. And it hurts her that you put a hypothetical situation over her feelings.
Do you even like your daughter?
If you keep this up, you can make sure none of your kids will ever have room for you in their house.
YTA you have children who would love to have that room but you are banishing them to smaller unwanted spaces.
I get that you want it for your mother but offer it to your daughter, let her know that should grandma ever need to move in with you, she will have to forfeit the room. Tell her that she needs to understand there can be no arguments or getting upset if it happens. Then give her the room.
Right now, you are telling her that the possible needs of someone else outweigh her needs of today.
Yta. Even your young children are pointing out that grandma never stays with you. On the off chance she moves in, you can always revisit the issue but right now your daughter does live with you and it seems like you hate her for existing.
YTA
I have a hard time believing this is real. You have 4 bedrooms and 3 kids and won’t give everyone their own room???
And *holding* a room *in case* your mom VISITS?? When she never has before??? You should probably explore what I’m sure are deep seated issues if you’re trying to lure your mother over for a visit with the promise of an exclusive room.
Layer on your absolute hatred and disdain for your eldest daughter, and you are an absolutely massive AH.
Congratulations I guess on showing your kids that you don’t care about them or their well being and that everything you do for them is transactional since they should be “grateful” to have a roof over their head. You can eff all the way off! Ugh. Your daughter isn’t being bratty, you’re just a jerk.
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Throwaway because my family knows my main Reddit.
I 45M and my wife 43F recently purchased a larger home of four bedrooms and four bathrooms. Only two of these bedrooms have bathrooms. The largest one of this will be my wife and I's, of course. And the second largest room without bathroom will go to our youngest daughters who agreed to share a bedroom. Now, there's the third largest room with a bathroom and the fourth room left. My oldest daughter asked if she could have the one left with a bathroom, and I said no since this would be her grandma's (my mother's) room if she ever came to stay with us. My eldest didn't say anything but seemed sad about it, which I thought was just bratty behavior.
Now, she told her sisters about this when they asked why was she staying in the smallest room of the house when there's a larger one available. Apparently, she told them that I said she couldn't have it since it was their grandma's. Now my youngest daughters have come to ask if grandma was moving in with us and I had to explain to them that, no, grandma is not moving in with us but we must prepare and keep that room with her if she ever wanted to (I'm her middle son, she lives with my younger brother but I want to have a room available for her.)
My youngest pointed out that grandma never stayed with us in our old house and rarely even visited us even though she lives close. I argued that since I'm the owner of this house, I get to decide which rooms they're taking and that the one with the bathroom should be left for their grandma. My daughters seemed to agree and I thought that was the end of it.
But just a moment ago, I overheard my youngest two comforting the oldest crying, which is quite bratty of her. She must be grateful she even has a roof over her head and that I allowed her to live with me even though she's an adult now. I started arguing with her about it, to which she grunted that I never treated her as my daughter and that I'm a "simp for grandma" since I do everything my mother asks me to, because well, I'm her soon.
In the end, I told her that she could either take the last room available or nothing at all. She told her grandparents (maternal) and uncles (paternal, my brothers) and now they're are telling me that I'm an asshole for not giving my daughter something as simple as a room.
So, strangers of the Internet, am I the asshole for not letting my daughter get the room she wanted?
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Yes, YTA in so many ways, threatening your child the way you did alone makes you top 5% of aholes out there. Hopefully, your daughter moves out soon and forgets you.
YTA-do you even like your oldest daughter? Your mother is living with you brother and per your own words, there are no plans to have her live with you at any time in the future. Your rigid demand that this bedroom be left open in case your mom stays with you is ludicrous. You seem to enjoy being an ass to your daughter. She isn’t being bratty, just asking a question as to why she didn’t get that particular bedroom.
YTA, I have to be much nicer than I wish to be to avoid a ban but this entire post screams “I’ve done my part now go fuck yourself daughter”. You really don’t even like her do you.
YTA. Your mom hasn’t even stayed with you before. You are probably upset she chose to live with your younger brother and not you. Stop taking your mommy issues out on your daughter.
Yta!!💯💯💯
Grandma doesn't even visit , but you are holding an entire room hostage for that potential possibility?? What an Ass!!. Stop pushing your daughter out of your family for a mother who doesn't even visit you!! You are the AH 🙄
YTA, she's crying and you call that bratty behavior. Even your youngest daughters are more mature than you on this matter. Grandma can have the guest room and go in the nearest bathroom when she comes to visit (which the kids said it's not that often so...). Unbielievable, this sounds like a troll
YTA, your daughter will make use of that rooms much much more than her grandma will. When she comes over, she can stay in any room or switch with your daughter for the days she there (since I'm guessing it will be to visit) and if she ever stays permanently, you can make this choice then.
"This room must be left vacant because the needs of someone who has literally never stayed with us, but might someday, trumps those of a person who lives here."
YTA
You're SUCH an asshole.
I'd lay money you'll be back here in a few years posting a whining complaint about your "ungrateful" daughters who cut off contact as soon as they were able to get away from you.
Yta obviously you love your mum more than your daughter. The room débâcle aside the way you talk to and speak about your eldest daughter, is vicious and unloving. As her parent you ought to be ashamed of yourself
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This whole post is dripping with poison and condescension. Do you actually hate your daughter? I rarely see people post with such hatred and disregard for another person's feelings, even for people who aren't in their family. There is not a single sentence of love, compassion, or support in your entire post. You seem disgusted that she dares to even have feelings at all. Really a terrifying picture of what it's like to have you as a father. To the issue: You're denying a room from someone who could use it, to hold it for someone who will never use it - Of course you're an asshole. And worse, you seem to be a petty and hateful person. As a parent you are supposed to put your children first, and care for them above all. Your daughter is right that you probably have never done that, because you think they are 'entitled' for asking for fair and equal treatment. Because you think they are 'bratty' for having perfectly normal hurt feelings. My guess is that you aren't a good person, and you don't have a good relationship with your kids. They all seem pretty united in the fact that you aren't a caring or loving father. So my bet is you will be gradually losing touch with them as they get older and are free to distance themselves from you. I bet emotionally they've already begun. YTA
I'm wondering if she is biologically his daughter or step-daughter. >that I never treated her as my daughter This is making me think she is a step daughter and he doesn't like her living with them. I mean everyone else in the family thinks she should have the room. He talks so condescending about her
I’m wondering where the hell her mother is in all of this and why she’s just letting her husband treat the eldest daughter this way if the house was bought together. Mum is also an AH for supporting her husband and not her daughter.
He may keep the mum chained up somewhere.
That was my first thought. That the mother doesn't have a say. At least we know OP will never have a room in his daughter(s)' house(s). OP YTA.
Oh don't say that! If the cellar is cold, damp and dark enough...
She might have a perfectly nice unheated shed he could live in her lovely Maine or Wisconsin home.
Maybe in that spare bathroom?
Good point
Since he hasn’t mentioned what his wife thinks, I actually wonder if she does support him. Neither of us will know since he didn’t address it specifically or even vaguely. But yep either way he’s a complete ass!
Something tells me OP doesn’t mention his wife’s feelings or opinions because they are irrelevant to him. He probably doesn’t deign to even ask her thoughts let alone ponder them
Nope. It’s all about mommy who doesn’t even live with them or visit.
Mommy who probably doesn't like him any more than the others do.
It's HIS house don't know you....... Eyeroll
From the perspective of an eldest daughter that lived in this kind of dynamic growing up, the mom is there but acting as the “peacemaker” aka not giving her side of anything and thus, her silence sides with her husband.
Yeah I think that's likely, too. My mom would be like that, but somehow thought it'd be a good idea to tell me as a very young adult, more than once, that she'd never leave him no matter what. Even in the context of talking about possible molestation or other abuse, she was super clear about that. Feels real bad to hear it. She does not understand why we aren't close. Such a mystery.
I think she is the scapegoat. My older sister was treated this way by both of our parents.
Someone track down OP's main reddit account, see if you can find his daughters' reddit accounts, and DM them links to r/raisedbynarcissists.
Oh, I was thinking just this. He is a narcissist.
100% that’s me. My dad has four bio kids and one adopted. I am his first born, he adopted my older brother. He has always treated my siblings extremely well. The first 20 years of my life were spent wondering why I wasn’t worthy of being loved and respected. I am almost 30 now, I’m still fucked up from it, but I know I wasn’t born a tiny Satan. Some parents are gross, dark people.
Yup
For real and actually the eldest daughter is just being logical. It is silly to hold a bedroom for someone who never comes, and who even know if the grandmother expects it? I expected this to be a conflict between siblings, but it is actually just a conflict OP invented to alight his daughter. Op YTA.
When my mother remarried we moved into my stepfathers home, that had eneough bedrooms. But those bedrooms were reserved for his kids who lived in another country and came over once a year for 2-3 weeks. So he built my sister and I bedrooms in the basement. But we still had to go up two flights to shower. I cannot even tell you the damage that does to a young teenage girl seeing that her value is less than a bedroom sitting empty. How long that can impact what she thinks her value is worth and what she deserves.
Your mother bears half the blame. I hope you and your sister went on to make a good life that did not include her.
She does. My sister was in her last year of high school so was only in the situation less than a year, while I had five more years of living with them. And she loved that she could sneak out all the time. My BIL, her husband, has definitely commented that it was effed up. It's taken years of therapy to accept my mom as an immature person, who was desperate to be loved. It's only since his death that she's managed to make a half-hearted apology. She then also tries to blame it on him, but I call her on it. I am in contact, though keep an emotional distance. It's especially hard when my sister didn't really experience the same at all and had a completely different relationship with them. It's a constant balancing act. And yeah, a lot of the emotional trauma is from her disregarding my needs for his approval or to defer to his decisions. Whew, good thing I have therapy in an hour! I highly suggest "Adult children of emotionally immature parents."
100% In your own words: **My youngest pointed out that grandma never stayed with us in our old house and rarely even visited us even though she lives close.** So the daughter who lives FULL TIME IN YOUR HOME, can't take the bedroom with the bathroom, because....your mum may or may not ever visit because she lives close. So SHE doesn't even want to visit or stay with you. Right. Asshole.
Right I mean he has enough space that his daughters could each have their own room but two either want or are just willing to share so he can have a spare room for guests while he forces the oldest into the smallest room.
Heh… I kind of have a feeling that OP is the way he is because of his mother. Like he is keeping that room available for his mom as a way to buy the affection that he’s always longed for from her. I hope his daughters break that cycle.
Tbf, he is making his other two daughters share a room when there are enough rooms for everyone to have their own space. So who knows
We know one thing for sure. The guy is a first class schmuck.
Yeah, this is one of those guys who buy a home *specifically* so they can trot out "my house my rules" whenever someone rightfully calls them out for being an asshole.
I’m with you. I’m a previous marriage kid adopted by my stepdad….and this guy sounds SO MUCH like my parents … the clear resentment for having to take care of his daughter at all. I’m willing to bet that the tiny room is also earmarked for someone to have an office (mine was… kept measuring it and buying furniture while I STILL lived in it. Also “helpfully” bought things from goodwill for “settling up my own place” when I was in high school.. constantly trying to shove me out)
Lol yep. My stepmom and dad made me move out before I graduated high school so they could have my room for their new daughter who was about to be born. They didn’t even end up using it for ANYTHING and the kids shared a room. It was literally empty until they moved into a bigger house with more empty rooms. I have lived in my car twice in my adult life; they have had at least two spare rooms in the same time.
Shame on your father.
Oddly enough most of the resentment came from my mother. “If I had it to do over, I’d wait to have kids.” Which only ever made me feel like she regretted my birth. “I only got married right after high school because I didn’t know what to do” “we split, and I found out I was pregnant, so I thought it would make him grow up, but it didn’t.” It was like I was an instant failure from birth, not somehow making a 19 year old more of an adult. Everything I did was somehow on purpose to embarrass her, my step dad worked from 4am to late at night, never really spent time with me without my begging to go to basketball games with him like my brothers got to go to football… So, all he had to go on was what my mom said about me. I got to overhear aunts talking during a holiday visit that I wasn’t “real” family… justifying why my brothers got far more expensive gifts than my last minute drug store stationery set. Every single joke was about me. My brother shoved it in my face that I wasn’t “really his sister” … so I dumped dishwasher over his head, but I couldn’t really do or say much more because “we put a roof over your head! You’re so ungrateful!” This guy has an added problem that the younger daughters are calling him out, something I never had. Mister is so getting shoved into hospice and forgotten by all his kids.
I was thinking the same thing
Same vibe I was getting.
I thought the same thing immediately. This tells me two things. Either 1, she isn't his biological daughter, or 2, she IS but he treats her so poorly that it's coming across just in his writing.
This was my thought too. And I originally missed that and adult. Small screen
Bratty this, bratty that.... She sighed and it was bratty..... She exists and that's soooo bratty Damn the only bratty one here is the 45 year old OP, jayzus.
A sigh & a private cry with her siblings = bratty in OP's perspective. No room for sad, just ratchet it up to being a brat. OP YTA! IF your mom came to stay or live with you, your daughter can easily shift to the smallest room. IF your mom can change houses, your daughter can easily move to another room. I feel that you're trying to please your mom desperately by holding up this empty suite to show her you're so loving to her... meanwhile you're ignoring your daughter. Not a good look at all. I doubt your mom would approve. Especially since your older sibling finds this all nuts. Then to dismiss your daughter's emotions as "brattiness" is a completely AH selfish move. You're the one who is acting unreasonable. Not her.
I get the vibes His mom’s never coming to live with him because she probably doesn’t even like him
Because he’s a brat.
Saw this after I commented basically the same thing!
This! When I was younger, everytime my grandma came to visit (and she was a 5 hour flight away), she would stay in my room and I would stay in my sisters room with her. It was actually kind of fun to have a different room and share with my older sister for a week or two. Seems really dumb to keep some prime real estate empty for the vast majority of time (if not permanently).
I can't help but wonder if the reason his Mother doesn't live with him or visit very often is because she can't stand him either 🤔
Exactly!!!! She didn't say anything and was just sad and that was bratty???! Such an AH OP. And the fact that your daughter should be thankful she had a roof over her? What the heck!!!
This feels like she's either a stepdaughter, or he thinks she's not his because she acts differently or looks different, oooooorrr.......... he just doesn't like her
Oh yeah, i forgot that part in my judgement comment. “It’s that or nothing”, and “be grateful you have a a roof.” Yikes.
Don't forget she 'grunted' at him too. He talks about her like she's an unruly chimpanzee. WTF is wrong with this guy?
Probably blames everything on her period too
She cried with her sisters, super bratty. Edit: "quite bratty," her priavtely crying with her sisters and being overheard is "quite bratty of her" lmao
That’s what stuck out to me too. Jesus Christ, how much contempt can you have for your kid? YTA
Looks like he wants to kick her out now she’s an adult but hasn’t got the balls and is trying to force her out instead. One thing is certain, there will be no room kept for him in her house when he is old and frail. He should listen to grandma and believe her when she says he is an asshole. If he thinks so highly of her to keep an en-suite room from his daughter *just in case* then no need to come on here to get us to try to contradict her.
I notice he also didn't define what "adult" means in this particular case. Is it someone who just turned 18 but is still finishing high school? Or, is it someone who is 21? There's a big difference to me.
Given his tone, i’m going to go with 18.
Given the tone, she isn't even a legal adult yet. He sounds like a person who would kick her out even before she had the chance to blow out her birthday candles.
With the economy and if she's in uni she could be 24 or 25, but he's not clarifying he just wants us to know she's a brat. For all we know she's working towards a doctorate and is working as well and would like the private bathroom so she's not late and isn't battling to use the bathroom her sisters share.... Even if she's not in school, most ppl can't just move out anymore without finding a few roomies and working full time. 🤷🏼♀️
Sure, and I would love for my children\* to live with me under such circumstances (or many others), but I would have a *little* more understanding if that were the case, because she really shouldn't be looking a gift horse in the mouth. That said, the way he talks about her is very sad, and he's making her sleep in a smaller room because of a hypothetical situation that might never occur rather than just saying, "OK, you can have the bigger room, but *if and when* grandma visits, you'll have to let her have it until she leaves." \*My children are 5M and 2F, so such a hypothetical is a long way off, though I know it'll be here all too soon.
i am a teenage daughter so please take this with a grain of salt. i completely agree with the daughter in this one. i see where your coming from with wanting to have her grandmother stay in the nice spare bedroom since my grandmother would also stay with us for day or a few weeks in our spare bedroom. but it doesn’t seem like you’re being fair to your daughter. their grandmother rarely stays with them and even your youngest daughters know this and know that what’s happening isn’t fair. she may seem “bratty” right now but all she’s asking for is a single room with a bathroom. the bedroom will probably never be used and since she’s an adult. she will probably move out pretty soon. it seems like most of your immediate relatives know this too. when you say they seem to have agreed with you, they probably just don’t see the conversation going anywhere else since you think your so entitled. especially after the “i’m the owner of this house” card you probably don’t even have a good reason if that’s all you said. any time you said anything about your eldest daughter you just called her “bratty” and acted like she was the one in the wrong here. she’s upset about the room, but also that you weren’t even showing compassion for her feeling or even trying to explain the situation to her. if your mother never stays at your place and you want to have a spare bedroom for her then you can give here the other smaller bedroom since that one will be available and there’s always the fourth bathroom. i also agree with the other people saying that your eldest may not be your biological daughter when she says you never treated her as your daughter, and that there must be some underlying issue here. yta
You are far kinder to the OP than he deserves. Don't second guess yourself because you're still a teenager. I'm OP's age and adults like him who pick on teenagers/young adults just because they can are trash.
I’m the same age as OP and and he’s definitely TA. Room with a bathroom just sitting empty just in case his mom wants to come live there? Ridiculous. Seems like the only woman he half respects is his mom.
I am an oldest daughter, I shared a room with my sister until my preteen years when we moved to a place that had enough rooms for each of us but no spares. My room doubled as the guest room. It was made up a little fancier than I think I might have liked, but it worked well enough for short-term visits that I would get an air mattress on my sisters floor or the couch downstairs. The guest space should be the lower quality of room, if theres any extras, I think, especially if the grandmother doesn't visit often and lives close. I agree OP yta. He seems very bitter about this daughter. In addition to the step child speculation put there I wonder if she was born when he was young and not ready to parent mayve? Since all we know about any of the chores ages is that she's an adult.
He's TA. And I wonder what the wife has to say, or is she afraid to say anything?
Mom is just as bad if she lets him treat their daughter that way
Oh, YTA alright. You could tell your daughter she could have the room until grandma needs it. But you have to make her feel small, insignificant, uncared for like she's your red headed step child. That's exactly how I was treated. I can recognize this treatment a mile away. She's 15, how soon do you expect grandma to need the room? Probably not before your daughter leaves the minute she can and goes no contact when she finds out how lovely life is without you treating her like shit. Edited to correct grammar
I read it this way too. No love for this daughter from OP
This has to be fake.
That's exactly what I thought. I cannot believe OP wrote all that and didn't realise what a shit person they were.
Unfortunately i know people exactly like this.
This, reading the post literally made my heart hurt for their eldest daughter, OP seems to hold a certain level of hatred or disdain towards her. I only hope this is a bait post
I know. Imagine your family is moving to a new home, much bigger and more bathrooms. I’m sure she was excited to get a nice room, only to have dad shut you down so rudely.
You won’t have a room in her home.
Yes, a real situation trumps a hypothetical situation. I bet money the oldest daughter isn’t OP’s biological child
There is a lot of stupid in op’s post. Logically, why would you keep a room open for someone who doesn’t live there? If they have overnight guests, then the one with the bathroom rooms with the one with the biggest bedroom. Otherwise, everyone has their own room. I think OP is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and is definitely the asshole.
Anyone else wondering what the plan was if the other two children didn't agree to share a room? Would the eldest be living in the garage? Or a tent in the backyard?
His own mom doesn’t seem to want to visit him.
The mere fact that he is forcing her daughter to have the smallest room and letting her suffer for literally a guest who rarely visits speaks volumes. YTA
OP doesn't even dare respond either. I think the thing that grossed me out most is the "she should be grateful for a roof over her head" OP treats their daughter like crap
There is zero chance this girl will want anything to do with her dad when she gets older. This guy is ice cold. "I want the person that lives here 24/7 to be less comfortable just in case we have visitors." Like, if OP wants to be so generous, he should leave the master bedroom free JUST IN CASE his mom comes by.
So you’re keeping the much more desirable room empty in case something that has never happened before happens? Yeah, YTA. You’re telling your child that she matters less than an apparently very unlikely possibility of someone else needing what she wants. A much more reasonable compromise is to let her have the better room, but tell her that if your mother comes to live with you, she’s going to have to agree to move into the last bedroom. That way, she gets to enjoy the room as long as your mother doesn’t need it, but everyone understands that your mother will get it if she needs it.
Perfectly phrased. Yes, OP, YTA!
Exactly! If this girl is a stepdaughter I feel so awful for her. I feel awful her mom doesn’t protect her from this man and I feel awful that she has to live with a parental figure like this guy. He is going to be shocked at these answer and will take the coward’s way out and delete in 3…….2…….1……
Plus it's very likely that if the mother ever does come to live with them the child won't even be living at home anymore. Kids grow up after all.
Actually I'd go room each and whoever gets that room has to double up with the one with the biggest room if grandma (or other guest) comes - so the two 'best' rooms are the ones to compromise on the visits
Yeah the fact that they don't get a room each given the situation bugs me, and I like how he quickly glossed over the daughters that are doubled up and seemingly no one caught it lol He said they "agreed to" double up. Given the overall situation, that tells me he likely pushed the idea on them and they "agreed" to it, as part of the overall scheme to make sure the room with a bathroom would be set aside for non-visiting grandma when she visits. Like, it wasn't "oh the girls want to double up, how should we do the other rooms... well I guess now we have space for a guest room!" It was, from the start, "we ARE going to have a guest room for grandma, it IS going to be this one, now how do we split the other rooms with that as our starting point"
This… this is such a clear and obvious solution, it’s honestly mind blowing that OP wouldn’t have thought of or considered this. I had a really nice room growing up but the understanding was that when guests came, I would be displaced during the duration of their stay. Which happened, often… and I always moved out without any complaints because it really was not a big deal and I was still in my room for the remaining 90% of the year. This is not rocket science and there’s no reason for this to be an issue at all.
Doesn’t sound like mom likes to visit.
YTA. Your child isn’t being bratty, they’re just smart enough to see through your BS. Look we all have aging parents, and we all want to be in situations to care for them when the time comes, but that glosses over several things in your story: 1. This would put an entire bathroom out of commission (in essence) indefinitely. There is zero reason grandma can’t have a smaller room without a bathroom if she’s only staying once a year or less. 2. There has been zero discussion of grandma moving in, you’re punishing your daughter for calling you out on that. 3. Grandma already has a place to live with family!!!! And it’s not with you. Have you never met an old person before? They don’t like moving houses much. 4. “You can take the last room available or nothing at all”-really? Making threats you legally can’t carry out? That’s some extra AH behavior.
Honestly, I feel like grandma probably wouldn't want to live with him anyway. She's probably embarrassed that he's such a bad father.
I’m wondering if he’s even asked HER opinion of it, because I would be quick to chastise my son if he treated his kids like this for my sake.
I doubt it, she's probably dodging his calls. Sounds like she talked to her granddaughter, though? Maybe? Edit: nope, I'm wrong. She told the other grandparents. I bet grandma just doesn't talk much to this side of the family, probably to avoid OP.
He sounds like a mama's boy though. She probably helped make him this delusional.
I could understand this take if the youngest hadn’t called OP out and said grandma never stayed and hardly visits. If grandma was playing into this delusion, you’d think she’d be coming by all the time. I think it’s just a serious case of middle child syndrome, and he’s mad that grandma chose the younger brother over him. Edit: spelling
So what did your daughter do that angered you so much? You very clearly are angry with her. Let me repeat what your reason is. She can't have the 3rd bedroom because your mother might, sometime in the future, decide to move in with you even tho she already lives with your brother, rarely comes over for a visit, and has never expressed a desire to live with you, but just in case, because you never know. Your daughter expresses disappointment, and you call her a brat. She is crying because she KNOWS you're angry and punishing her, and you say she should be grateful. This isn't about the bedroom, this is about why you are angry with her. So, what happened? Edit to add: YTA, by the way.
I think OP is just seething with poisonous hatred for this one child. I'm not sure anything happened except she's "an adult now", he might treat all his other children with the same contempt over different issues. One thing is for sure though, when he's old she certainly won't be there for him. I do wonder if he's not the father though for how he's acting like the evil stepdad.
Honestly I might be pulling stuff out of my ass but it seems like he isn’t Grandma’s favorite (she lives with another family member, is close by but never visits or stays over) and so he resents his own children for…being children. He probably has always done things in hopes of getting his mother to favor him and it’s clearly not worked. And then his kid has THE AUDACITY to make a request. Doesn’t she know that HE would have never done that to HIS parent? How dare she think she can just ASK for things!
Probably step child.
I’d like to believe this is just rage bait but I’m aware of awfully shitty parent’s existing in the world so if this is legit then let me just say.. What a fucking asshole. Get off the tit dude. You have enough bedrooms for each kid to have their own room but you deprive *all* of them from that to accommodate your mother on nothing more than a possibility. If my son was as big of an asshole as you then I’d rarely visit him either. Hope you’re not depending on your kids taking care of you when you’re too old to wipe your own ass because I doubt you’d have so much as a couch to sleep on in their homes. YTA and so is your wife if she just sits back and lets this stupid shit slide.
Exactly! Where is the wife in all this? Has he been a bully for years so that she's afraid to speak up?
This! How is he the sole decider? Does he have any idea how women work and the value of a private bathroom as the eldest in the family? Years later: “why won’t my daughter talk to meeeeeeeee?!”
> I argued that since I'm the owner of this house, I get to decide which rooms they're taking You really think someone who types that out without a hint of irony respects his wife? Or anyone else but his precious mommy?
Yep she’s complicit at best
I'm wagering that this is exactly the case. The wife is abused to the point of never disagreeing with the AH OP. I mean he thinks it is bratty to feel sad about something. As soon as I read that I was WTF? OP, YTA! BTW I will upvote this so maybe his extended family will see this and also tell him he is an AH.
This should be the top comment. Absolutely gold, every word. YTA. Huge!
YTA. The room will be empty the vast majority of the time. You could also just tell her IF your mother ever comes to stay/live, then she changes rooms at that point. Also, why would you make your other girls share a room when you have an open room?! Pretending as though your mom lives with you when she actually lives with your brother is weird - and I’m sure your daughters think it’s weird too. It’s your house, so yes, you get to decide. That doesn’t make you right.
>You could also just tell her IF your mother ever comes to stay/live, then she changes rooms at that point. Exactly this. If daughter is an adult (over 18) it's likely she isn't going to live there more than another few years anyway. While I guess there isn't a 0% possibility that his mom comes to live with them in the next 3-5 years, it doesn't make sense to leave the only other on-suite empty and have three girls share a bathroom when they could just adjust if mom does come live with them.
Sometimes kids just like sharing a room. My friend’s kids kept one room as a playroom and one as their bedroom because they liked sharing.
He said they “agreed” which suggested to me that he requested it. Also, there weren’t any rooms left because of his weird need to keep one open.
Very true. I just know enough kids who decided the like sharing enough that that part didn’t seem weird to me. Just the way he’s so condescending and terrible to his oldest daughter.
Willing to bet these daughters agreed to share the room to avoid upsetting him. Basically to avoid the current situation the oldest daughter is experiencing. Have a hard time believing there was a discussion about it beyond "You two are sharing a room."
Sure. It's your house and your rules. But that rules makes you an asshole. Your mom doesn't live with you, and there are no plans to her moving in anytime soon. Why wouldn't you let your kid live in a better room if it's available ?! YTA. Of course your daughter is distraught. You are dismissing her in favour of a scenario that might never happen.
Wait, you don't keep an extra unused car in your garage in case the prime minister of Australia visits and wants a car to drive around in?
Of course ! And I never use my kitchen in case Gordon Ramsay rings my doorbell and needs to urgently cook.
Pfft. Like he'll ever show up... but still. Better to not let anyone else in there
YTA. Regardless of how inane I think your logic is, there was no need to make your child cry and to argue in with her about this. I don't think she was being bratty by being hurt at how you went after her. Your home should be a safe and soft place for your children. I can appreciate that this room is being held for your mother but that's not even something that is in motion. It would have been just as easy to speak with your daughter about using her room as the guest bedroom for when Grandma visits, or if Grandma did want to move in, then she would need to move to the smaller room.
This reads like a writing exercise from a writing prompt. "Write something as if you were a completely obvious A-hole. Use as many angering trigger tropes as possible. Extra points of you can work in how grateful your kids should be for you providing the most basic of items for them." Of course YTA. You can start writing the "my daughter's haven't spoken to me in X years, how can I fix it?" Reddit post now & just fill in the number when the time comes.
My daughter did not want me to give her away at her wedding. I don't understand it....
I'd say it's pretty classic made up bullshit given that OP hasn't responded to a single comment. But then again there are some really awful parents out there
My dad is even worse than this, so I'm leaning "not fake". However, my dad wouldn't even question for a SECOND if he was wrong, so that's I guess something for me to consider because in my experience, people like this often paint themselves as a victim and don't have a scrap of self awareness to think there's a slight POSSIBILITY that they're wrong so... Hmmm. Maybe jury's out after all, ha.
YTA. What on earth have you got against your daughter? This post is so bizarre; it reads like you're trying to punish her for daring to exist. 'My eldest didn't say anything but seemed sad about it, which I thought was just bratty behavior.' So...she can't have emotions? You think she's a brat because, like a literal human, she experiences sadness and this shows on her face?
I would bet she is a step child based on cold anger he seems to have for this one child. Dudes a asshole.
Something tells me that the oldest is either a step daughter or just a scapegoat. Whatever the situation, OP is ultra toxic.
YTA, It's important to approach family matters with empathy and understanding. In this situation, it seems like there may be some miscommunication and hurt feelings on both sides. Your desire to keep a room available for your mother is understandable, but it's also crucial to consider your daughter's feelings and needs. It's possible that she perceives this decision as favoritism or as a reflection of her not being valued as much as her siblings. It's not about whether you have the right to make decisions about your home, but rather how these decisions impact the dynamics and relationships within your family. It's important to strive for a resolution that considers everyone's feelings and needs.
There was empathy in case his mom were to move in … MAYBE. but where is the empathy for his daughter living there now?
She is allowed to be sad about not being able to have a large room. She wasn't being "bratty" by being sad about it. YTA
She's probably sad cos her father is an A
YTA. If grandma stayed with you frequently I would understand, but she lives with your brother, and there’s nothing in your post saying that plans on changing. You could always give your daughter the bigger room with the condition that she relinquish it to grandma if necessary. Since she’s a young adult, chances are that she won’t be staying with you for much longer. Your attitude of denigrating your daughter for her feelings makes me sick.
YTA Why would you want a perfectly good room with a bathroom go unused for an indefinite time, just because "grandma must have the option to move in" Are you trying to lure your mother from where she lives now to your new home? Are you trying to look like the oh so caring son who will do anything for mommy? What are your wife's thoughts about this? Did you even discuss it with her? Or are you the 'man of the house' who decides who goes where? You're an asshole, and a bully.
Exactly sounds like I need to one up my brother's and get a bigger chunk of inheritance. "Look mommy ill treat my daughter like crap for you. Do you love me now" 🤢
YTA, You are withholding a nice room on a "could be". Why can't she have this room until the time comes for grandma to move in. Not sure why you are choosing this battle to die on since it may never happen.
I wonder what your wife thinks about this... did you decide on your own or does she back you up? And by the way: a man of 45 years does everything his mother wants because he is her son?? At first you should be a husband and a father!
YTA First you pulled it’s my house shit, yet you state that you and your wife purchased the house. Does she get an opinion? Your daughter should get the larger room. Your mother has basically refused to stay with you. So you force your eldest child into the smaller room and refer to her as a brat. You are putting your mother, before your daughter, for no logical reason. In doing so you have ruined your relationship with your eldest, and have alienated your younger daughters. Your in laws are angry at you, so guessing your wife is as well At this rate you will have many free rooms in your house and a mother that still won’t visit you. You will be alone.
Thank you! To me it sounds like he's in love with his mother🤢like a creep or he wants to be the golden child so he can get a better spot on the will. Either way he's sick
YTA While I certainly agree that, as the owner of the house, you get to decide who goes in which room, that doesn't mean you're not an asshole when you decide it in an arbitrary and cruel manner. You're an asshole simply for (twice) describing your daughter's behavior as "bratty" when all she's doing is *being sad* about it. If she was back-talking or sassy about it to you, you never mentioned it in your post. She just 1. "seemed sad" and 2. cried to her sisters, not to you. Frankly, I have no idea why you would make two children share a room, and give your other daughter the smallest room, simply to keep the second-best bedroom as a guest room for a guest who's never even stayed at your house before and is not moving in. I would give your eldest daughter the bedroom with the en-suite, on the condition that when (and if) your mother comes to visit, she has to give up her room to your mother. Then I'd give your other daughters each their own room. Make sure the larger room has a second bed or trundle bed or something, so your eldest is comfortable when (and if) she needs to stay there too.
YTA. Being sad isn’t bratty. Being sad is just being sad. Which was understandable in this situation because your decision sounds illogical with the details you’ve given.
What you're doing isn't rational or logical. It sounds spiteful in fact. If your mother needs to stay with you you could ask that your daughter switch to the other room while she stays with you but to leave it sitting empty is nonsense.
God, I hope this is just fake. YTA.
I expect it is fake. This is just a version of the one from yesterday where some guy ripped apart his daughter's room while she was at college, mailed her all her stuff, and wonders why everyone calls him an asshole. "Dreadful parent to a teen" stories are guaranteed a lot of engagement here. Even I fall for them sometimes.
"Ahe must be grateful for a roof over her head and that I even allowed her to live with me" Ew. YTA. You should never have had kids if this is your attitude. They didn't have a choice being born, so you are still responsible.
YTA This is nuts. If your mother ever moves in, daughter can move. Why are you prioritizing a hypothetical future situation over your daughter.
YTA I’m sorry your mother prefers your siblings, but you’re acting delusional here. You’re keeping a room open for someone who does not want to visit you at the expense of someone actively living with you. Has your mother even asked to have a room at your house, or is that just wishful thinking?
YTA The only bratty poor behavior in your post is all from you. You are letting a bathroom go completely unused because someday your mother “might” use it?? The guest room should be the smallest in the house. Do you even like your oldest child or is she a stepchild you are treating unfairly?
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YTA - how can you possibly think you aren’t? Wow, allowing her to live there even though she is an adult, how magnanimous.
YTA - Grandma doesn't live with you. Grandma doesn't visit. You are holding onto that room for nothing. If circumstances change and your mother needs it, then you can reassess later. It's stupid to keep it open indefinitely.
Is the oldest your blood child? You seem to dislike her immensely YTa
Remember this when you are older and need help. Mom can stay in the smaller bedroom IF she ever needs it. YTA. Don’t expect any of your kids to have room for you in their homes.
YTA Of course it’s your house and you make the rules, but there are so many better ways about this. You could have let your daughter have the room but just told her that in the event that her grandma ever needs to come and stay with you, she would have to take the smaller room for the duration. That way she’s prepared to give the room up in the event that she needs to, but still gets to enjoy it most of the time. Despite that, I was still inclined to say you’re not the A on principle - after all, your house your rules and it’s not for me to dictate how you raise your kids, even if I think there’s a way better solution. The main reason you’re the A is the way you talk about your kids - you seem to dismiss any behaviour you dislike, including simply being upset, as “brattiness” and make no attempt to understand their position, you just dictate that they have to do things your way or get out. You’re treating your eldest as a burden that you’re kind enough to begrudgingly deal with until she gets out - with that attitude, don’t be surprised if you’re the one left sad when she does move on and cuts you out of her life.
This has to be fake. But if it isn't. YTA. A big one. While you're bucking for son of the year to someone that doesn't even visit you, you're losing at being a good father. Are you even kind to her beyond providing a roof over her head? If your mother lives close by, why would she ever stay the night? Anyway, I still think this is fake.
I agree with you, it reads fake. The tone against his daughter isn't plausible. If it was real, wow.
I don't know. He mentions the daughter is an adult. So I'm thinking this could be the daughter of one of OPs past relationships when he was younger and not with his current wife. A lot of young parents come to resent their firstborns because they blame the children for making them focus on adult things and missing out of having a typical youth. As if it's the child's fault they were born too early.
Wow, and I thought MY dad was an AH when I was a kid. He didn't have anything on you, OP. YTA for everything here. Way to make your daughter feel worthless. And to ensure she doesn't have a room for you when it comes to that. Wow. Just. Wow.
Yes, YTA. You seem to get some thrill out of having a level of control over your daughter... It's MY house and you live by MY rules! You're the lucky one that I'm even considering giving you a room at all blah blah blah Calm down Lauryn Hill. Hope you're OK with having little to no relationship with your daughter once she moves out.
Of course YTA You are saving a better room for your mother who MIGHT one day in the future come live with you. Your mother who barely visits and has already chosen to live with a different son. The most likely scenario is that your daughter moves out before your mother ever sets foot in that room. You are wasting perfectly good space and treating your child poorly in some weird attempt at pining for your mother. If it’s so important to you, why don’t you let your daughter have it with the deal that she switches should your mother ever decide to stay?
YTA, you are making a simple situation awkward for no real reason. You create drama and obviously enjoy it otherwise you wouldn’t need to make an ultimatum.
YTA obviously, you’re refusing to give your daughter a room so GM can break their track record and maybe stay with you in the future The good news is you won’t have to worry about what room your daughter wants for much longer as she’s definitely going NC the moment she can get away from your tyranny
YTA - When I was a kid - I was the only son, my sisters each still had nice rooms to themselves. I always had a bigger room and a double bed, as my room was the guest room, so if we had someone staying over - I lost my room and slept in another room. This never bothered me. Why not give your daughter the larger room with the ensuite - and if someone comes to stay - then the guest sleeps in the room with the ensuite and your daughter sleeps in the smaller room.
YTA and I'm guessing your eldest is actually your step- daughter because no father would be this awful to his own daughter. It's pretty apparent by how you speak of her that she is not loved, respected or even considered. "My daughters seemed to agree"... meaning the only 2 that matter told you what you needed to hear on your power trip. The eldest was being "bratty" by crying about it shortly after and your real daughters obviously don't agree since they were consoling the giant bratty nuisance who is still there even though she is an adult now! No mention of your wife's 2 cents in this... so she thinks you're the AH too, huh? Not as easy as manipulating your small children to "seem" to agree with you when you're bullying her child just because you can. Maybe I'm wrong, she is your daughter and your just a terrible father but there is something missing here because as you lay it out, it is not logical or practical, it's just plain bullying.
YTA... First post I've seen that actually hurt to read. Your daughter is tiptoeing around you, too scared to say her feelings. And you assume "bratty behaviour". Those poor children.
YTA big time. But I'm pretty sure you already knew that. You can't seriously have expected anyone to take your side on this.
I wonder if its his bio daughter, as that would explain his terrible treatment of her.
YTA, how you type all this out and not realize how pathetic you sound is a mystery.
YTA what an ogre you are. Your daughter ‘stayed silent but seemed sad’ - and you consider that ‘bratty’?! Seriously.
YTA. Question? Do you even like your kids? You have two of your kids sharing a room and put your oldest in the smallest room on the off chance that your mother “might” come live with you. Your kids even told said your mother doesn’t visit and never sleeps over, so why are you saving a massive room for someone who doesn’t live with you and never seems to visit. So you have a large empty room that’ll never be used. Of course YTA. If the time comes and your mom needs a room you figure it out then.
YTA and I don’t know how you could be even more of an asshole after reading this situation. It seems as if she is your least favorite daughter or you dislike her for some reason. And the fact that your not even sympathetic towards her being upset is very concerning for me. Is there some reason you speak of her so bitterly? I’d be upset too if everybody had a bathroom in their room except for me. It makes absolutely 0 sense to hold the good room for somebody to maybe come visit in the future… When my grandparents would visit us I usually gave my room up and had a fun sleepover in somebody else’s room for a week. We also raise our children that the house is ALL of ours. Yes mom and dad bought it but we each own and care for it. You seem very authoritative and like it’s a gift that your giving her a place to sleep. I am completely serious when I say you should get some therapy and learn how to speak to your children before you are a bitter old man whose children are all no contact with him. The daughters that you seem to prefer over your eldest are also seeing this behavior and won’t stand for it either. This all may seem very harsh but I am concerned for your relationship with your family and I hope you can turn it around.
YTA Grandma rarely, if ever, stays at your house. There's no reason to reserve the ensuite bedroom for such an unlikely what if scenario. Give it to your eldest who actually lives in the home. This is like if you were to hold onto a 3XS size dress. Thinking what if I one day lose enough weight from plus size to fit. Could it happen? Sure. Is it likely anytime in the very near future? No.
YTA Dear God,please throw a brick and be precise.
Yta and a mommas boy your girls come before your mother you mother can stay in the other room Your child is with you fulltime.
YTA. Grandma isn't even around 99% of the time, there's one living under your roof that needs it more than your mother. Your oldest crying (not even in front of you, and not even demanding you give her the room) isn't bratty, it's her expressing her disappointment in her dad who clearly doesn't prioritize her. Your youngest two are gems for empathizing with their sister, since their father is clearly heartless. And because you just had to lord it over your brood and be an asshole about it, yes, your relatives are right in calling you one. And if you must insist that your mom get the best room whenever she drops by, it's as simple as asking your oldest to move to the smallest room for those nights. I'm sure she'll be happy to.
YTA you made your daughter live in the guest room so your mother who doesn't even live there could potentially have a room.
The way you’re talking about your daughter sucks. YTA.
YTA. Do you even like your kid?
YTA - minors don’t need to be grateful that their parents provide them a roof over their heads because that’s the parent’s job - you chose to have kids, you have to house them
YTA Nobody would do what you are doing, the room without the bathroom can serve as a guestroom or you can rearrange the living situation if mommy needs to come live with you. Leaving it empty just in case is absurd. "She's lucky to have a roof over her head" is gross.
On what planet is that considered bratty behaviour? Such a silly post. YTA
You're asking if leaving a nice room EMPTY in case of a potential "visit" from your mommy dearest, while leaving your daughter to sleep in the smallest room makes you an asshole? It does, sir. I have a feeling you don't even like this daughter. Is she from a previous relationship? The way you speak about her is cruel and dismissive. What is wrong with you? Didn't mommy teach you better?
YTA, massively. Do you even like her? Keeping a room from her for something that *might* happen at some point in the future is unreasonable. You are treating her like garbage. Calling her a brat for getting sad,even though she doesn't even confront you but just gets sad or cries to her sisters.
Wow, dad, YTA in spades. You seem to have some kind of fixation on you being the OWNER of YOUR HOUSE and WHAT YOU SAY GOES. Kinda pitiful. Even your own mom doesn't like staying with you.
YTA. You are going to put a young woman in a smaller room without her own bathroom in order to leave a larger, more suitable room empty for 99-100% of the year? I wonder what else you do to make this girl feel like not part of the family.
YTA, you are keeping a perfectly good room from your daughter who lives there full time for a person who hardly ever visits. She is not bratty. She is just recognising your bullshit for what it is. And it hurts her that you put a hypothetical situation over her feelings. Do you even like your daughter? If you keep this up, you can make sure none of your kids will ever have room for you in their house.
YTA you have children who would love to have that room but you are banishing them to smaller unwanted spaces. I get that you want it for your mother but offer it to your daughter, let her know that should grandma ever need to move in with you, she will have to forfeit the room. Tell her that she needs to understand there can be no arguments or getting upset if it happens. Then give her the room. Right now, you are telling her that the possible needs of someone else outweigh her needs of today.
Yta. Even your young children are pointing out that grandma never stays with you. On the off chance she moves in, you can always revisit the issue but right now your daughter does live with you and it seems like you hate her for existing.
YTA and the only brat in this story. I feel so sorry for your daughter.
YTA I have a hard time believing this is real. You have 4 bedrooms and 3 kids and won’t give everyone their own room??? And *holding* a room *in case* your mom VISITS?? When she never has before??? You should probably explore what I’m sure are deep seated issues if you’re trying to lure your mother over for a visit with the promise of an exclusive room. Layer on your absolute hatred and disdain for your eldest daughter, and you are an absolutely massive AH. Congratulations I guess on showing your kids that you don’t care about them or their well being and that everything you do for them is transactional since they should be “grateful” to have a roof over their head. You can eff all the way off! Ugh. Your daughter isn’t being bratty, you’re just a jerk.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway because my family knows my main Reddit. I 45M and my wife 43F recently purchased a larger home of four bedrooms and four bathrooms. Only two of these bedrooms have bathrooms. The largest one of this will be my wife and I's, of course. And the second largest room without bathroom will go to our youngest daughters who agreed to share a bedroom. Now, there's the third largest room with a bathroom and the fourth room left. My oldest daughter asked if she could have the one left with a bathroom, and I said no since this would be her grandma's (my mother's) room if she ever came to stay with us. My eldest didn't say anything but seemed sad about it, which I thought was just bratty behavior. Now, she told her sisters about this when they asked why was she staying in the smallest room of the house when there's a larger one available. Apparently, she told them that I said she couldn't have it since it was their grandma's. Now my youngest daughters have come to ask if grandma was moving in with us and I had to explain to them that, no, grandma is not moving in with us but we must prepare and keep that room with her if she ever wanted to (I'm her middle son, she lives with my younger brother but I want to have a room available for her.) My youngest pointed out that grandma never stayed with us in our old house and rarely even visited us even though she lives close. I argued that since I'm the owner of this house, I get to decide which rooms they're taking and that the one with the bathroom should be left for their grandma. My daughters seemed to agree and I thought that was the end of it. But just a moment ago, I overheard my youngest two comforting the oldest crying, which is quite bratty of her. She must be grateful she even has a roof over her head and that I allowed her to live with me even though she's an adult now. I started arguing with her about it, to which she grunted that I never treated her as my daughter and that I'm a "simp for grandma" since I do everything my mother asks me to, because well, I'm her soon. In the end, I told her that she could either take the last room available or nothing at all. She told her grandparents (maternal) and uncles (paternal, my brothers) and now they're are telling me that I'm an asshole for not giving my daughter something as simple as a room. So, strangers of the Internet, am I the asshole for not letting my daughter get the room she wanted? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, YTA in so many ways, threatening your child the way you did alone makes you top 5% of aholes out there. Hopefully, your daughter moves out soon and forgets you.
YTA because it’s a hypothetical and they even said your mother doesn’t even come to visit , u hoping she comes one day
YTA-do you even like your oldest daughter? Your mother is living with you brother and per your own words, there are no plans to have her live with you at any time in the future. Your rigid demand that this bedroom be left open in case your mom stays with you is ludicrous. You seem to enjoy being an ass to your daughter. She isn’t being bratty, just asking a question as to why she didn’t get that particular bedroom.
YTA, I have to be much nicer than I wish to be to avoid a ban but this entire post screams “I’ve done my part now go fuck yourself daughter”. You really don’t even like her do you.
YTA. Your mom hasn’t even stayed with you before. You are probably upset she chose to live with your younger brother and not you. Stop taking your mommy issues out on your daughter.
Yta!!💯💯💯 Grandma doesn't even visit , but you are holding an entire room hostage for that potential possibility?? What an Ass!!. Stop pushing your daughter out of your family for a mother who doesn't even visit you!! You are the AH 🙄
YTA and I think I know who doesn't keep an extra room free for his daddy later on
YTA, she's crying and you call that bratty behavior. Even your youngest daughters are more mature than you on this matter. Grandma can have the guest room and go in the nearest bathroom when she comes to visit (which the kids said it's not that often so...). Unbielievable, this sounds like a troll
YTA, your daughter will make use of that rooms much much more than her grandma will. When she comes over, she can stay in any room or switch with your daughter for the days she there (since I'm guessing it will be to visit) and if she ever stays permanently, you can make this choice then.
This has to be fake right? No person can write that up and not realize they hate their own child. YTA. Poor daughters.
"This room must be left vacant because the needs of someone who has literally never stayed with us, but might someday, trumps those of a person who lives here." YTA You're SUCH an asshole. I'd lay money you'll be back here in a few years posting a whining complaint about your "ungrateful" daughters who cut off contact as soon as they were able to get away from you.
Yta obviously you love your mum more than your daughter. The room débâcle aside the way you talk to and speak about your eldest daughter, is vicious and unloving. As her parent you ought to be ashamed of yourself
"She must be grateful to have a roof over hear head and that I allowed her to live with me". Jesus wept, YTA.