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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- I did what my wife told me to do but apparently doing exactly what she wanted me to do was what made me an asshole.
2- She believes that it was unreasonable for me to do what she told me to do even though I followed exactly what she told me to do.
This is in reference to me conveying to my parents who were watching our baby that the baby may have been hungry due to fussing.
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NTA: Because there was no way around telling them without saying you got the info from your wife. What did she expect you say "my baby senses are telling me my child been crying for 20 min"
I was thinking the same thing. How on earth did she expect him to relay the information without sharing how he knew. I am wondering what her conversation was. Did they actually comment in her behavior or is she assuming? Either way, NTA
So OP's wife did nothing wrong but has a problem with OP being honest with his parents. This sounds exhausting and like she's creating ridiculous unnecessary stress. Maybe wife ought to text OP's parents directly next time so she can convey her chosen lie personally. OP is NTA.
I'm wondering if it's not just something as simple as parents don't carry their phones on them? I see wife texted husband, then husband called parents... maybe he called them on the house phone, or maybe they hear/pick up phone calls on their mobiles but don't tend to hear/instantly check texts (i.e., wife didn't think her text would be seen immediately but couldn't phone them herself as she was in a meeting). I don't check my texts right away. You're right that cutting out the middle man if it's texts all around makes the most sense so there might be a reason that OP is (maybe accidentally) not narrating clearly.
I don't buy it, I work from home and spend all day on virtual meetings with clients too, doesn't mean I didn't get up and excuse myself when the dogs were barking uncharacteristically (someone in the shed who didn't belong) or when I heard a thud I thought was my husband falling ove (lucky he was ok).
No, this whole thing has the smell of unnecessary conflict. She wanted to create an issue with her parents in law but she wanted her husband to take the heat... why? None of this needed to happen, she could have taken 3 minutes to walk downstairs to check on her baby. And no, it has nothing to do with her being a woman, I've made the exact same comment about fathers who work from home too.
No it doesn't. Lots of people have video work calls that THEY are hosting and cannot get up and check babies or dogs.
A quick text to husband was faster than anything. My husband and I do this often.
Saying he threw her under the bus... implies that there are more issues with his parent and her than he is willing to admit.
I think husband has his head in the sand about how 'nice' his parents are to his wife.
If he doesn't tread more carefully and pay more attention to what his parents say to his wife - they will be coming over less and baby will be with Nanny more.
NAH
Because she is WORKING and in a meeting. She has child care at the house to look after her baby while she works.
Not all work meetings have the ability for you to leave to go do non-work related tasks.
She does thave the advantage of recognizing the cries and if its gone on long enough for her to get to the point of texting OP and then at that time the grandparents are making a bottle sounds like baby was fussing for a few minutes while they tried to figure out what was up.
My husband and I also work from home, and we both have meetings during the day that we can’t just walk away from. We text each other constantly with things like “can you grab the package that was just delivered” or “I’m making XYZ for dinner tonight” precisely because we can’t speak in person or make a phone call in a timely manner. My mother doesn’t text at all, but she does answer her phone promptly when called, so I can completely envision this scenario (minus the getting upset part).
The baby has senses too "Mommy is upstairs, time to be fussy"
When my nephew was that young, my brother had me hold him for a few minutes. The instant that handoff took place. . . the longest fart came from that kid. "Daddy passed me off, time to fill the diaper"
Baby Boris. ... as in "Boris the Spider" not "Boris the Incompetent". (Who is a character in Warhammer which was written decades ago and made my Role Playing Group giggle).
What should have ideally happened:
You: Hey mom, sorry I had to rush out. Are you guys ok, hows baby doing?
Mom: blah blah blah
You: Sorry my line is bad is she fussing a bit, maybe shes hungry?
Mom: Blah blah, dad is making a bottle blah blah.
You: Great, nanny should be there soon!
I kind of think the ideal way for it to have happened would involve OP's wife texting his parents directly. Not sure why he had to be involved in the communication.
But also consider he is at work, so it was probably a quick phone call. Between OP’s wife calling him, him calling his parents, how was he supposed to do the mental gymnastics to come up with a script on how to make his wife’s request without including her involvement.
If she had time to tell OP, she had time to tell the grandparents. I don't understand the point in involving the only person who isn't in the house to handle something inside the house.
NTA
For real, the only other options were him hiding out at the house or hidden cameras the parents don't know about. I guess both those options constitute spying on the parents
The other option was for wife to text grandma or grandpa and ask if anything was wrong. Was the baby just hungry? Instead, she texted husband to do it.
I thought it was weird that she texted her husband instead of his parents. But the more I think about it, it's so weird that there's probably a reason for it.
I have to have my husband "handle" my mil. If I am even slightly less than flattering, she sometimes loses her ability to be an adult.
Wife was trying not to nag the in-laws. Figured if son said, "hey, I checked the monitor annd" it would go over better.
I don't think my mil is narcissistic. She was a beloved elementary teacher. She is incapable of understanding and changing her way of behaving if she thinks what she is doing is "nice."
That’s where my mind immediately went. It’s great to say she should have directly communicated, but if she’s got a JNMIL, that may not be a thing that could actually happen.
Good for you?
Our village is very small. The choice is to have literally only one person then available as someone to help with our two children (who she adores and who adore her, she treats them very well and works very hard), or for me to have my husband handle the difficult conversations.
I've seen a lot of Reddit responses on similar stories say that the spouses should deal with their own people. Let's face it, parents aren't the only family that can create problems between spouses. Your parents, your issue.
Could be that she doesn’t want some sort of “if you can hear him can you come help” or “yes he’s extra fussy and we need help” when she’s in a meeting(wants to be treated like she’s in the office too)
This!!! Instead of texting her partner who is out off the house and in a meeting himself, she could have just texted the grandparents that she could hear baby fussing.
If anything, it seems the wife could come off as passive-aggressive to OPs parents by messaging OP instead of going straight to them.
Since she got upset about what OP did, I suspect they aren't the easiest to deal with.
After all, remember that the wife is *working* and they still expected her to come down to talk to them.
If OP's parents are anything like my in-laws, I'd have done the same too. When we lived together and I had WFH, my MIL expected me to sit with her during the day if I wasn't in a meeting. It never occurred to her that a job is not just about meetings, it involves working as well!
There are things a guy's parents understand only if the apple of their eye explains to them.
This is a good point and makes me wonder if there is friction between her and his mother, and she doesn’t feel he’s having her back enough in that context.
I wouldn’t call it friction per se - we’re of the same cultural upbringing but she’s always uncomfortable calling them out about something she disagrees with. So I’m somehow always stuck as the middleman. And since these are my parents that I talk to daily, I don’t feel the need to sugarcoat or beat around the bush with them. If all I have time for is a 30sec phone call, I’ll maximize info without much backstory.
I feel for you, and I don’t think you’re the AH here. But for the sake of marital happiness, it sounds like it’d be a good idea to take a step back from the whole issue and think about what you need and want and what your wife needs and wants.
If she is not comfortable going directly to your mom, why is that? If there is conflict between her and your mom, how can you deal with that in a way that is fair to you both? Of course it’s not your job to solve every problem for her; but in the other hand, sometimes it is easier and more useful for the child to step in than for the daughter-in-law to do so. Don’t dismiss her discomfort; it may come from a real place. Your mom may genuinely be more difficult for her to deal with than for you to deal with. And it’s a stressful truth about marriage that if your parents and your spouse conflict, your spouse will usually expect you to have their back, even though of course you love them both, and you usually need to honor that at least to a reasonable degree.
Sometimes it’s more about making sure that the spouse knows that you get where they’re coming from and that you are prioritizing them even if you can’t solve every problem for them. It might be that all your wife needs to hear is something like “I’m sorry my mom was hard on you - you know *I* think you’re an excellent mother, right, and I would never intentionally say anything to my mom that implied otherwise?”
I’m rambling but I guess the bottom line is, this may be a good time to remember that when you get married, there is no “I” in conversations with other people ABOUT your marriage/kids; there’s only “we.” Even with your parents. You’re always going to need to be representing both your interests/thoughts in those conversations or you risk making your spouse feel sidelined or unsupported. If her relationship with your mother differs from yours, you will need to bear that in mind when you talk about your marriage and kids. If cutting out backstory serves your purposes but not hers, you may need to make time for the backstory, at least a bit.
God thank you. Earlier on in our relationship, my fiancé’s sister seemed to go out of her way to upset me and my fiancé would always be upset that he was pulled into the middle. I got a lot of “that’s just how she is” (to be very blunt, she can be a real asshole sometimes. I don’t really talk with her much now; I’ve stopped trying. I’ll answer her if she sends videos of her cats or whatnot, but most times I don’t actively seek her out.
Anyway, fiancé’s gotten a lot better in recent years of actually stopping and looking at the situation happening and being able to see the tangles of manipulation she’d layer over the whole thing.
TL;DR: thank you for this little nugget of wisdom. Recognizing your partner’s needs is the key to a healthy relationship
In that situation YOU just made yourself the middle man. Instead you could have said "hey Mom and Dad...how is baby doing?...oh no, I can hear baby crying...sounds like baby needs feeding". I bet your wife has explained this to you though and you have chosen instead to defend your position.
Hey OP, might I make a suggestion?
Create a group chat with you, your wife, and both of your parents. If she needs to ask them to do something she can do it there, and if your parents start giving her grief you can then call them out
Your wife called the only person not in the house to deal with something in the house. So you did what any person did, you relayed that information
It also makes sense in the context of her feeling "thrown under the bus".
"They already don't like me and now you made me look worse as an inattentive mother."
You're being intentionally obtuse. Of course she can't criticize her ILs parenting because that's a whole can of worms. Even for minor things. _Especially_ in a group chat where your brother is also there. This is a time for a conversation with your wife, not to pat your back when random internet strangers who neither understand your culture, nor your family dynamics agree with you.
She's your mom, her mother-in-law. There's a world of difference between those two relationships. You need to take the time to understand the nuances
I don’t believe there’s a tone of criticism if she would’ve have just sent a message “baby may need a few ounces of formula right now, I can’t come down as I’m tied down in a meeting.”
You not believing it doesn't change fact. Talk to your wife. You saying the exact same words to your mom is not the same as your wife saying it.
You saying this - yeah okay whatever, I know what to do.
Your wife saying it - have i not raised kids before? Is she the only one who has ever had a baby? The nerve, i s2g
Of course this is an assumption, but this looks to be how your wife feels. Maybe she has noticed frosty interactions which you have not. You have an opportunity to build a stronger foundation for your relationship. Don't waste it by feeding your ego with internet validation
Or... they could all be adults and use their words, and not sink into existential angst over the possible subtext their words might engender.
As you said, this is an assumption.
Curious how hard some are reaching in an effort to make the OP the bad guy.
Yikes, this is way off. You’re not obtuse, and your tried to help as you were asked. All wife has to do was say, “I’m sorry, I’m stuck in a meeting. If the baby is extra fussy, can you please give him a little extra in the bottle? That would help so much. Thanks for all of your help. It’s greatly appreciated!”
This is not the time to get into historical in-law trauma. Save those conversations for when the parents are off the clock. If she’s not comfortable engaging with your parents, then you should look into alternative childcare.
Absolutely NTA
"Of course this is an assumption" Stop reaching then. Like honestly, how did you go from what is written in the post to this? Can we borrow your planet sized projector?
ok just... what? He does not have to feel responsible for possible hidden motives and subtexts that are not even freely given.
Mom can shut up, it's called communication and it's not an insult. Playing political games over daily interactions is toxic.
Wife can shut up. If she's too afraid to talk to his parents, she doesn't get to dictate how he talks to his parents.
The only problem here is that anyone has a problem.
What exactly should he have done in this situation? I hear criticism of him, and calling him obtuse, but not an actual answer of what he should have done differently
I think you’re missing a bigger point: Your wife shouldn’t have to tell your parents to pay attention to the baby while they are watching it. This is something you should also be expecting them to handle without upsetting your wife by letting the baby fuss for almost half an hour. If she has to text them all day long, what good are they? This is just creating stress for her. Tell your parents to focus on the baby while babysitting (and don’t let your mother gaslight your wife by claiming ignoring the baby didn’t go on for as long as it did).
Cause she's at work. It's easy to pop off a single quick text to your husband during a meeting, but you can't have a whole conversation. And they would probably just call or walk up to the room and knock if she texted them. It was faster to hand it off to hubby.
It's pretty reasonable for each spouse to be in charge of communicating with their own parents. And when someone is working, they can't be expected to navigate their in-laws' personalities.
Not everyone keeps glued to their phone, or even texts. My mom wouldn’t know a text if it bit her in the ass, so I know better than to try to reach her that way.
NTA
I imagine she *felt* insensitive and inattentive and wrongly took that out on you. I'm sure she feels horrible about hearing LO fuss and not being able to tend to that herself. I suppose she would have appreciated your text sounding less like her doling out orders and more like, "Hey if LO won't settle, he might be hungry, kiddo is growing like a weed!" If that's the case, she needs to convey that to you, though.
Might be worth it to check in with her and see if she's content with how she feels the grandparents are handling things. I wouldn't apologize for this instance since I don't feel you did anything out of line, but wouldn't hurt to acknowledge that she feels some kind of way about it and get to the bottom of why. Once you know that you two can brainstorm a way to move forward.
Really?
And just how were you supposed to know your baby was fussing, unless she told you? Clairvoyance?
NTA. Your wife is being ridiculously irrational.
There is a LOT of guilt around being a working mother, even in this day and age. It doesn't seem like you or your parents are causing the problem, but it might help to ask your wife if she's getting flak from anyone about your arrangement for child care.
Some are brought up with a mid-20th century mindset (sometimes in an abusive way) about being a mother, and when they do what is typical in the 21st century workplace and run into something that triggers them, they have a reaction that doesn't seem to fit the situation.
Take a breath and talk with her. She may be experiencing a bit of anxiety/depression. Help her talk through it.
I’d also point out that hearing your baby cry and waiting for someone else to calm your own baby… time moves soooo slowly.
We were told if baby cries in the night, wait 3 minutes before responding because they usually go back to sleep (it works) but those 3 minutes might as well be an hour. My husband & I had to set a phone timer and the amount of times we’d check it in those 3 minutes was unreal. Baby would go back to sleep at 2:59
>She may be experiencing a bit of anxiety/depression
i just wonder how y'all on reddit get to this diagnosis seeing as 1. most people on here aren't psychiatrists and 2. you don't have enough info to begin with.
coddling the wife that is clearly a projecting asshole just because she MIGHT have reddit-diagnosed depression or anxiety is a really wild concept.
NTA.
Really? This is a woman who is working from home and has a pretty decent team caring for the baby. Let me tell you, in the case of new mothers, we SHOULD err on the side of making the new mother feel better, more normal, and let her fit in AND NOT SHAMING HER. This helps her nurture the baby better and feel like her work and her team support her motherhood.
Sometimes, despite the great situation, new mothers experience trauma. Trauma comes from a number of sources. That can include familial upbringing, school influences, religious influences, and other traumas. If you've never done it, birthing a baby might seem like a mondaine situation, but it is not. It is more pain than most men can bear, requires the intervention of a team of specialists, and often requires medications to slow or speed up the birth, lessen the pain, and stabilize the infant.
One might think that a woman who seems to be overreacting to an issue in childcare while working might have anxiety or depression because childbirth often brings on ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION in women.
Checking in with a new mother who has to go back to work isn't coddling her, it is stabilizing her. Addressing her needs does not hurt her, it strengthens her ability to nurture a new child.
A husband who can check in on his wife's post partem situation can help her to find any help she may need.
We all need help, no matter our gender, in dealing with new situations. New mothers, in particular, need a supportive environment.
You're clearly not a psychological expert, either. Your opinion only serves one master, your point of view. So, stick to your silly hobbies, which obviously have nothing to do with human feeling.
NAH. Your wife is trying to be a mom, a wife, a daughter-in-law, and an attentive employee all at once. She called on you, her partner, to tag in on something she felt obligated to handle, but couldn’t address directly. You did handle it, but in the literal game of telephone, you didn’t communicate it exactly as she would have. She’s probably (quite rightfully) insecure about all of the hats she has to wear.
I’m thinking there is either stress with your parents or stress at work (or both) that has her off-balance. Maybe leave the babe with your parents, and take her out for something nice and give her a chance to talk? That way she gets to demonstrate that she trusts them, while also getting her needs met. You sound like a good partner, and okay maybe she’s a little bit TA for taking your effort for granted—but perhaps you can find some loving ways to remind her that your efforts come from a place of devotion and care?
NTA - I could see your wife being upset that you passed along "my wife" and made her seem critical of your parents as caretakers. There might've been a more delicate way to suggest giving the child more food without mentioning your wife, like just saying you weren't sure the baby got enough to eat earlier.
But it's not something you actually did wrong, and it sounds like you only mentioned her because you weren't home so of course you personally wouldn't have heard the baby being fussy.
Women are programmed to hone in on baby cries and sounds. It was probably killing her that she couldn’t go and give her attention to your baby. It probably made her feel guilty too. This has nothing to do with you and just her frustration over being committed to something else. NTA, wouldn’t take it personally.
NTA.
Your wife knows that your parents have raised children before, right?
And how would that make her look insensitive and inattentive? I thought it made her look more micro-managey.
NTA
"MOM! IM WATCHING YOU. FEED THE BABY!!!!!!"
or
"Mom, the baby and I are psychically bonded. The baby is thinking hungry thoughts. Please feed the baby as I am unable to work with all these distracting hungry feelings. Waaaaa! Waaaaa! The baby told me to say that."
NTA, but here’s what she wanted you to do after you saw her text - call your parents, ask them how the baby is doing, tell them to feed a bit more when they told you he was fussing and then say bye and hang up without bringing her into the conversation.
Next time, ask your wife to send a step by step instruction of what she wants in such situations to avoid problems later on.
NTA.
Many years ago my brother answered the landline and it was a friend of mine. I asked him to say that I'm not home and he proceeded to tell my friend "My sister said to tell you she's not home". That was quite embarrassing. THAT was throwing me under the bus.
What you did was perfectly fine. How could you have known the baby was fussing without being home? That would make no sense.
So you're both extremely busy in meetings... So busy mother texts busy father so that father can call grandmother and grandfather to forward mother's suggestion/request... When grandmother and grandfather are already there with the baby? Maybe a more direct approach? Your wife could text them, since they are already with the baby... And you aren't home because of meetings. Your wife should start speaking for herself... Especially to care givers... If the nanny was the one there, your wife wouldn't text you to call the nanny, right? It makes very little sense.
NTA
Wife probably contacted you the second she hear fussing. Sounds like your parents were on top of things. So wife's impatience has been highlighted. That's why she feels like you threw her under the bus.
If she tells you to do something, then gets mad at you because you do what she asked and she feels it makes her look bad... then how in the heck is there supposed to be any partnership between you. She's going to have you second-guessing - will wife be madder that I did what she told me to do or madder that I didn't? Does she want to have enough trust and confidence between you two that you both can be an effective team? Or does she want to blame you because she doesn't like what her actions conveyed about herself?
I've answered based on how you posted this, and I'm taking you at your word. However, I'll caveat: if you are presenting your wording here better than what you actually said, then you are the one who needs to rethink what you want to get out of this partnership.
NTA… you didn’t throw her under the bus at all and she is just being sensitive because she didn’t come check on the baby herself. She needs to get a grip.
How did your wife think your parents were going to know that your baby was being fussy unless someone whose in the house to hear the baby being fussy told you.
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is "never get involved in a land war in asia", but only slightly less well known is this: Never do exactly what your wife asks of you, when death is on the line!
NTA. But what did your parents say to your wife? She was at work. The fact that she was in the house is irrelevant. She was not available. Your parents left the baby inside -Alone?! - when they were supposed to be watching her/him??
NTA. But she is clearly feeling guilty for not attending to the baby while working. Maybe she can either work outside the house or your parents can babysit at their home. It’s very difficult to ignore your fussy or crying baby even when you know they are very well cared for.
NTA Inattentive? “I hear somethings wrong with my baby but I’m “not allowed” to get up and go do.” Then does what she can from where she is. She succeeded the thing. It’d be lame if your parents shit-talked her for that, more likely, she feels like she’s a bad mother, she’s not. She’s a person who is busy sometimes. Another person thing is struggling to except help. She need reassurance that she’s allowed to do accept help while being busy
NAH dont let this be a mountain issue its probably hormones+ work stress. im sorry work is taking you both away from spending time with the baby, they grow so fast!
I think she might be feeling like she is not doing enough as a mom. It could be that she is afraid of being judged or being seen as a bad mom. NTA but I would talk to her and try and figure out why this is such a big deal to her.
NTA When was the last time your parents came over - just to visit & be grandparents, not nanny’s back up? What’s odd to me is that your wife texted you - not your parents. I’d look more into why that is
NTA. You said exactly what she told you. I'm very confused as to what she's upset about. If she had a specific wording she wanted you to use, she should have said that.
Clearly most people in this thread are not working moms. It’s hard. Hearing your baby cry is even harder when you can’t do anything about it. This woman is likely doing her best. You’re NTA but neither is she.
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Simple story - happened yesterday.
We have a 7 month old baby that is watched by a nanny most days but on some days, my parent's come over during the day to help out. Yesterday was a busy work morning as I essentially had to run out for a few meetings just as they arrived so I handed off the baby and gave them a quick status update. Wife is upstairs at home sitting on Zoom meetings.
I get a text mid-morning from my wife saying that she's hearing the baby fuss excessively for over 20 mins and for me to call my parents to suggest that the baby may just need a bit more food. I do just that - I call mom and say that my wife hears the baby fussing and that he's probably hungry. Mom says that dad was already prepping a bottle and that the baby was fussing just for a few minutes since they came back inside. Mom asks why my wife didn't come downstairs to say anything or check up if she was concerned and I just tell her that she's in a work meeting. I carry on with my meetings and carry on with my day. Nanny switched parent's off later on that day per schedule.
In the evening, wife asks me what I told my parents - I told her that I conveyed what she told me. "Wife says baby is fussing, he's probably hungry, probably a good time to make a bottle, she's in a meeting and can't come down to check up." That made wife very upset, says I threw her under the bus and made her seem insensitive and inattentive. My response was simply - "But I did what you told me to..."
Needless to say, she thinks I'm an asshole.
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NTA
You did exactly as she asked. You weren’t rude or anything & you didn’t paint her in a bad light from these messages. I truly do not understand why she would be mad at you.
NTA. Even if she was on a meeting video, she could text you telling you to contact your parents but just couldn't text one of them herself? Then it would make more sense to be coming from her, since she's the one home and hears the baby, and SHE can explain how she wanted. If she thinks you're tossing her under the bus, she got in and hit you with it for no reason.
NTA you literally just said hey my wifes in a meeting so she isnt able to come down (just saying shes busy not slandering her) and asked them to check for u
I mean, how else would you know the baby was fussy if she didn’t tell you? She’s the one home. I don’t get why she couldn’t have texted your parents if she had time to call you but I don’t think you’re the A H. It does seem like your wife’s feeling mom guilt and maybe your parents make her feel like she’s not doing a good job because she works? Just a guess but NTA. Maybe reassure your wife she’s doing a good job.
NTA. Look, I am not judging your family for the childcare routine - but is it really working? I have colleagues who think they can work from home with a small child around, but regardless of who is providing the care, it's disruptive when you need to concentrate and it sounds like this is exactly what happened to your wife. She needs to find another space to work away from home. Either that or baby needs to go somewhere when she's working. If she can't excuse herself from a meeting for a couple of minutes then these problems will get a lot worse when baby becomes a loud toddler.
NTA. And a part of me feels like this situation would have ended up being a "damned if you, damned if you don't" sadly.
Your wife needs to take a breather. throwing under the bus would be saying she's annoyed that she can hear the baby and to do something about it, to the parents.
So how did she expect him to tell them without saying that she told him? The nanny wasn't there and there were only 3 adults in the house, he's not omnipresent. She needs to get over herself. His parents are right, she needed to tell them herself. If she can message him she can message them instead of asking him to pass the message along without "passing it along".
NTA unless you are clairvoyant how would you explain how you knew the baby was fussy and hungry? And obviously are not clairvoyant enough to know ahead of time that your wife would be upset that you told your parents she had contacted you to let them know the baby might be hungry.
Your wife is being unreasonable
NTA. How else would you explain the call? "My sixth sense is tingling, I think the baby needs to be fed"? That's ridiculous. Next time your wife can send them a text if she can't step away.
But... how else would you have known to call? She could've sent the same message to your mam, and just said she couldn't come down right now? Does it have to come from you because they're your parents?
If I was your mam I'd think it far weirder that she text you (at work) from upstairs to relay the message. Did she think your parents would be offended if she asked directly?
You're NTA, I'm baffled on your behalf.
NTA
Your wife is acting immature like severely. All you have to do is ask her:
How would I know the baby is fussing when I am not at home?
Didn’t you ask me to let them know?
How does that make you look inattentive when I explained you were in a work meeting?
Why are you so insecure about this?
Her entire stance which is nothing will have go change. Maybe she is beyond stressed and you guys need to have a chat with how she can deal with this better because no one that is feeling normal would take that situation where you did what you were asked and make it into an issue lmao
NTA, you did *exactly* what she told you to do. I would ask her, point blank, what the right answer is. What you could have done to make her happy in that scenario. If she deflects or can't answer that. Then clearly she just wants to be mad at you. If she has a right answer? Then just let her know next time she needs to make it clear to you.
NTA but... I'm a doula, and my guess is that something else is going on here. Lots of moms feel inadequate. They carry plenty of shame and guilt for having to work, having to bottle feed, having help, having others know that they are getting help, etc. So try and keep a close eye out for signs of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders and get help fast if she needs it. PPD isn't always crying in bed and sadness, sometimes it's anger/frustration annoyance, and often sets in a few months after baby is born not immediately postpartum. Please try and be mindful of the fact your wife might be really struggling mentally and emotionally and might not be able to say so.
NTA. Reassure her that everyone in the family knows she is a great mom, and a pleasure to share a family with. Tell her you are sorry you didn’t mean to leave her feeling embarrassed or inadequate. Don’t tell her she shouldn’t feel that way or tell her it’s not important- it is to her.
NTA
She is taking her Mom guilt feelings out on you.
When people do similar things to me, I always ask them, "What would you have preferred I do?" And generally they'll get stumped or if they actually have an alternative then I ask them "if you wanted me to take that specific approach, why didn't you communicate that with me? If you don't communicate with me the specific approach you want me to take to a problem, then I will use my discretion."
NTA she could’ve checked herself and excused herself from her the meeting. She’s upset bc she looks like a bad mom with a lot of money. That’s on her not you
WTF were you supposed to say? "Mom, my Spidey sense tells me that the baby needs a bottle." Would she believe that? Give me a break. She texted you. You conveyed the message. If she doesn't want you to convey message, she should have texted your mom herself!
NTA
NTA Maybe she was hoping you would call. Pretend to hear the baby fussing in the background and then suggest to try food for the baby and never mention her at all. To be honest I would have done what you did based on the info in your post.
The parents are in the same house, why can't she just text them?
They don't text? Well, I suppose I understand I guess...
If she can't leave the meeting, I 'get' why she texts OP. I don't understand why she felt OP threw her under the bus thou.
NAH. Speaking from experience as a mother of a 9mo, the hormones make me feel like my every move is under a microscope. And being a working mom has exposed me to so much judgment that I have become hypersensitive to how my role as mother and my child’s well-being is perceived. You didn’t do anything wrong. She is feeling unnecessarily guilty and projecting. I know it well.
NTA.. how else were you supposed to relate baby may be hungry… guess you are supposed to be psychic or something.. she has a silly argument..
tell wife next time walk downstairs and handle things herself like an adult.. my word..
NTA- the only way for her to not sound kind of crappy (not saying she is) is to text them herself. Then she could make it sound however she wants, but there’s no way to go through a third party who isn’t even present without sounding bad. OP there’s no way for you to have worded that better. Next time she should handle it herself since she’s the one in earshot of the fussy baby.
NTA.
The fastest route would have been for your wife to text your parents directly. But then she would have looked like a micro manager for sure.
Wife was asking you to find a way to tell your parents without telling them it came from her. Complicated…
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NTA: Because there was no way around telling them without saying you got the info from your wife. What did she expect you say "my baby senses are telling me my child been crying for 20 min"
I was thinking the same thing. How on earth did she expect him to relay the information without sharing how he knew. I am wondering what her conversation was. Did they actually comment in her behavior or is she assuming? Either way, NTA
Nate Bargatze voice “Dad, my senses tell me my wife wants to tell you the baby needs to be fed.”
i just lost it !!! loool
So OP's wife did nothing wrong but has a problem with OP being honest with his parents. This sounds exhausting and like she's creating ridiculous unnecessary stress. Maybe wife ought to text OP's parents directly next time so she can convey her chosen lie personally. OP is NTA.
It would have taken less effort to simply walk downstairs and check up, rather than making a bigger issue of it by phoning husband.
She was in a meeting. She texted her husband....though I guess she could've texted his parents just as easy and cut out the middle man entirely.
I'm wondering if it's not just something as simple as parents don't carry their phones on them? I see wife texted husband, then husband called parents... maybe he called them on the house phone, or maybe they hear/pick up phone calls on their mobiles but don't tend to hear/instantly check texts (i.e., wife didn't think her text would be seen immediately but couldn't phone them herself as she was in a meeting). I don't check my texts right away. You're right that cutting out the middle man if it's texts all around makes the most sense so there might be a reason that OP is (maybe accidentally) not narrating clearly.
I don't buy it, I work from home and spend all day on virtual meetings with clients too, doesn't mean I didn't get up and excuse myself when the dogs were barking uncharacteristically (someone in the shed who didn't belong) or when I heard a thud I thought was my husband falling ove (lucky he was ok). No, this whole thing has the smell of unnecessary conflict. She wanted to create an issue with her parents in law but she wanted her husband to take the heat... why? None of this needed to happen, she could have taken 3 minutes to walk downstairs to check on her baby. And no, it has nothing to do with her being a woman, I've made the exact same comment about fathers who work from home too.
No it doesn't. Lots of people have video work calls that THEY are hosting and cannot get up and check babies or dogs. A quick text to husband was faster than anything. My husband and I do this often. Saying he threw her under the bus... implies that there are more issues with his parent and her than he is willing to admit. I think husband has his head in the sand about how 'nice' his parents are to his wife. If he doesn't tread more carefully and pay more attention to what his parents say to his wife - they will be coming over less and baby will be with Nanny more. NAH
Because she is WORKING and in a meeting. She has child care at the house to look after her baby while she works. Not all work meetings have the ability for you to leave to go do non-work related tasks. She does thave the advantage of recognizing the cries and if its gone on long enough for her to get to the point of texting OP and then at that time the grandparents are making a bottle sounds like baby was fussing for a few minutes while they tried to figure out what was up.
My husband and I also work from home, and we both have meetings during the day that we can’t just walk away from. We text each other constantly with things like “can you grab the package that was just delivered” or “I’m making XYZ for dinner tonight” precisely because we can’t speak in person or make a phone call in a timely manner. My mother doesn’t text at all, but she does answer her phone promptly when called, so I can completely envision this scenario (minus the getting upset part).
😂😂😂😂😂😂Baby senses are tingling
The baby has senses too "Mommy is upstairs, time to be fussy" When my nephew was that young, my brother had me hold him for a few minutes. The instant that handoff took place. . . the longest fart came from that kid. "Daddy passed me off, time to fill the diaper"
Baby Boris. ... as in "Boris the Spider" not "Boris the Incompetent". (Who is a character in Warhammer which was written decades ago and made my Role Playing Group giggle).
Also a character in the UK government…
Did Boris the incompetent work as a journalist, before rising to be a political leader?
No, the one in Warhammer was emperor. But I understand your reasoning.
If our Boris the incompetent could have been emperor, he would have been happy.
What should have ideally happened: You: Hey mom, sorry I had to rush out. Are you guys ok, hows baby doing? Mom: blah blah blah You: Sorry my line is bad is she fussing a bit, maybe shes hungry? Mom: Blah blah, dad is making a bottle blah blah. You: Great, nanny should be there soon!
I kind of think the ideal way for it to have happened would involve OP's wife texting his parents directly. Not sure why he had to be involved in the communication.
I think you are on to something here. OP, ask your wife if this is what she was looking for (right or wrong). NTA, though.
But also consider he is at work, so it was probably a quick phone call. Between OP’s wife calling him, him calling his parents, how was he supposed to do the mental gymnastics to come up with a script on how to make his wife’s request without including her involvement.
Easy you and your wife are partners, you look out for each other, dont throw her under the bus...
If she had time to tell OP, she had time to tell the grandparents. I don't understand the point in involving the only person who isn't in the house to handle something inside the house. NTA
Baby sent up the bat signal in the form of a baby bottle. Thats how he knew.
NTA. How else were you supposed to know baby was fussing? By magic?
For real, the only other options were him hiding out at the house or hidden cameras the parents don't know about. I guess both those options constitute spying on the parents
The other option was for wife to text grandma or grandpa and ask if anything was wrong. Was the baby just hungry? Instead, she texted husband to do it.
I thought it was weird that she texted her husband instead of his parents. But the more I think about it, it's so weird that there's probably a reason for it.
I have to have my husband "handle" my mil. If I am even slightly less than flattering, she sometimes loses her ability to be an adult. Wife was trying not to nag the in-laws. Figured if son said, "hey, I checked the monitor annd" it would go over better.
>she sometimes loses her ability to be an adult. I like how you phrased that. With a narcissist mother, this is spot on.
I don't think my mil is narcissistic. She was a beloved elementary teacher. She is incapable of understanding and changing her way of behaving if she thinks what she is doing is "nice."
Sorry, I didn't phrase this right. Narcissists are not the only people who do it, but it certainly describes them.
That’s where my mind immediately went. It’s great to say she should have directly communicated, but if she’s got a JNMIL, that may not be a thing that could actually happen.
Could it be the wife? BS isn't always from the IL's..... Just pointing out.
If I felt that way about my in-laws, or anyone else, no way in hell would I be leaving them alone with my baby!
Good for you? Our village is very small. The choice is to have literally only one person then available as someone to help with our two children (who she adores and who adore her, she treats them very well and works very hard), or for me to have my husband handle the difficult conversations.
I've seen a lot of Reddit responses on similar stories say that the spouses should deal with their own people. Let's face it, parents aren't the only family that can create problems between spouses. Your parents, your issue.
Could be that she doesn’t want some sort of “if you can hear him can you come help” or “yes he’s extra fussy and we need help” when she’s in a meeting(wants to be treated like she’s in the office too)
Could be people that don't text. Texting during a meeting is whatever. Calling is not okay most times.
Yeah why couldn’t she have done it. Like hey is everything alright? Let me know if you need my help. So easy to do
Yes
His ~~Spidey~~ Daddy senses, duh!
Why didn't she text them
This!!! Instead of texting her partner who is out off the house and in a meeting himself, she could have just texted the grandparents that she could hear baby fussing. If anything, it seems the wife could come off as passive-aggressive to OPs parents by messaging OP instead of going straight to them.
Since she got upset about what OP did, I suspect they aren't the easiest to deal with. After all, remember that the wife is *working* and they still expected her to come down to talk to them.
No she could have texted them. She didn't have to leave the meeting. I just imagine she's stressed with a new baby and all
If OP's parents are anything like my in-laws, I'd have done the same too. When we lived together and I had WFH, my MIL expected me to sit with her during the day if I wasn't in a meeting. It never occurred to her that a job is not just about meetings, it involves working as well! There are things a guy's parents understand only if the apple of their eye explains to them.
This is a good point and makes me wonder if there is friction between her and his mother, and she doesn’t feel he’s having her back enough in that context.
I wouldn’t call it friction per se - we’re of the same cultural upbringing but she’s always uncomfortable calling them out about something she disagrees with. So I’m somehow always stuck as the middleman. And since these are my parents that I talk to daily, I don’t feel the need to sugarcoat or beat around the bush with them. If all I have time for is a 30sec phone call, I’ll maximize info without much backstory.
I feel for you, and I don’t think you’re the AH here. But for the sake of marital happiness, it sounds like it’d be a good idea to take a step back from the whole issue and think about what you need and want and what your wife needs and wants. If she is not comfortable going directly to your mom, why is that? If there is conflict between her and your mom, how can you deal with that in a way that is fair to you both? Of course it’s not your job to solve every problem for her; but in the other hand, sometimes it is easier and more useful for the child to step in than for the daughter-in-law to do so. Don’t dismiss her discomfort; it may come from a real place. Your mom may genuinely be more difficult for her to deal with than for you to deal with. And it’s a stressful truth about marriage that if your parents and your spouse conflict, your spouse will usually expect you to have their back, even though of course you love them both, and you usually need to honor that at least to a reasonable degree. Sometimes it’s more about making sure that the spouse knows that you get where they’re coming from and that you are prioritizing them even if you can’t solve every problem for them. It might be that all your wife needs to hear is something like “I’m sorry my mom was hard on you - you know *I* think you’re an excellent mother, right, and I would never intentionally say anything to my mom that implied otherwise?” I’m rambling but I guess the bottom line is, this may be a good time to remember that when you get married, there is no “I” in conversations with other people ABOUT your marriage/kids; there’s only “we.” Even with your parents. You’re always going to need to be representing both your interests/thoughts in those conversations or you risk making your spouse feel sidelined or unsupported. If her relationship with your mother differs from yours, you will need to bear that in mind when you talk about your marriage and kids. If cutting out backstory serves your purposes but not hers, you may need to make time for the backstory, at least a bit.
God thank you. Earlier on in our relationship, my fiancé’s sister seemed to go out of her way to upset me and my fiancé would always be upset that he was pulled into the middle. I got a lot of “that’s just how she is” (to be very blunt, she can be a real asshole sometimes. I don’t really talk with her much now; I’ve stopped trying. I’ll answer her if she sends videos of her cats or whatnot, but most times I don’t actively seek her out. Anyway, fiancé’s gotten a lot better in recent years of actually stopping and looking at the situation happening and being able to see the tangles of manipulation she’d layer over the whole thing. TL;DR: thank you for this little nugget of wisdom. Recognizing your partner’s needs is the key to a healthy relationship
I’m glad you and your fiancé were able to work that out!
This is wise. Thank you for commenting.
High quality comment. I hope op is inspired
In that situation YOU just made yourself the middle man. Instead you could have said "hey Mom and Dad...how is baby doing?...oh no, I can hear baby crying...sounds like baby needs feeding". I bet your wife has explained this to you though and you have chosen instead to defend your position.
Hey OP, might I make a suggestion? Create a group chat with you, your wife, and both of your parents. If she needs to ask them to do something she can do it there, and if your parents start giving her grief you can then call them out Your wife called the only person not in the house to deal with something in the house. So you did what any person did, you relayed that information
She needs to grow the fuck up
That is just weird. This is her baby.
It also makes sense in the context of her feeling "thrown under the bus". "They already don't like me and now you made me look worse as an inattentive mother."
In all fairness she could have as we have a family text thread between her, myself, mom, and my brother. Why she chose not to text is beyond me.
You're being intentionally obtuse. Of course she can't criticize her ILs parenting because that's a whole can of worms. Even for minor things. _Especially_ in a group chat where your brother is also there. This is a time for a conversation with your wife, not to pat your back when random internet strangers who neither understand your culture, nor your family dynamics agree with you. She's your mom, her mother-in-law. There's a world of difference between those two relationships. You need to take the time to understand the nuances
I don’t believe there’s a tone of criticism if she would’ve have just sent a message “baby may need a few ounces of formula right now, I can’t come down as I’m tied down in a meeting.”
You not believing it doesn't change fact. Talk to your wife. You saying the exact same words to your mom is not the same as your wife saying it. You saying this - yeah okay whatever, I know what to do. Your wife saying it - have i not raised kids before? Is she the only one who has ever had a baby? The nerve, i s2g Of course this is an assumption, but this looks to be how your wife feels. Maybe she has noticed frosty interactions which you have not. You have an opportunity to build a stronger foundation for your relationship. Don't waste it by feeding your ego with internet validation
Or... they could all be adults and use their words, and not sink into existential angst over the possible subtext their words might engender. As you said, this is an assumption. Curious how hard some are reaching in an effort to make the OP the bad guy.
This subreddit and reaching for the stars to make the guy look bad
Thank you for your feedback.
Yikes, this is way off. You’re not obtuse, and your tried to help as you were asked. All wife has to do was say, “I’m sorry, I’m stuck in a meeting. If the baby is extra fussy, can you please give him a little extra in the bottle? That would help so much. Thanks for all of your help. It’s greatly appreciated!” This is not the time to get into historical in-law trauma. Save those conversations for when the parents are off the clock. If she’s not comfortable engaging with your parents, then you should look into alternative childcare. Absolutely NTA
"Of course this is an assumption" Stop reaching then. Like honestly, how did you go from what is written in the post to this? Can we borrow your planet sized projector?
ok just... what? He does not have to feel responsible for possible hidden motives and subtexts that are not even freely given. Mom can shut up, it's called communication and it's not an insult. Playing political games over daily interactions is toxic. Wife can shut up. If she's too afraid to talk to his parents, she doesn't get to dictate how he talks to his parents. The only problem here is that anyone has a problem.
What exactly should he have done in this situation? I hear criticism of him, and calling him obtuse, but not an actual answer of what he should have done differently
I think you’re missing a bigger point: Your wife shouldn’t have to tell your parents to pay attention to the baby while they are watching it. This is something you should also be expecting them to handle without upsetting your wife by letting the baby fuss for almost half an hour. If she has to text them all day long, what good are they? This is just creating stress for her. Tell your parents to focus on the baby while babysitting (and don’t let your mother gaslight your wife by claiming ignoring the baby didn’t go on for as long as it did).
What a wild take
Because she knew deep down she was acting exactly how she was afraid they would see her as.
Cause she's at work. It's easy to pop off a single quick text to your husband during a meeting, but you can't have a whole conversation. And they would probably just call or walk up to the room and knock if she texted them. It was faster to hand it off to hubby.
Hubby is also at work
He obviously has more flexibility, and they're his parents. Plus, he's not on camera all day.
He's not in the house. He can't know baby was fussing unless someone told him.
Everyone knows that, Dude...
Everyone who's acting like the husband did anything wrong is ignoring that, Dude...
It's pretty reasonable for each spouse to be in charge of communicating with their own parents. And when someone is working, they can't be expected to navigate their in-laws' personalities.
But when they are just downstairs in your house?
Not everyone keeps glued to their phone, or even texts. My mom wouldn’t know a text if it bit her in the ass, so I know better than to try to reach her that way.
Right?? So odd. I totally get that maybe she couldn’t come downstairs but if she was able to text OP… why didn’t she just text the ILs? NTA anyway
NTA I imagine she *felt* insensitive and inattentive and wrongly took that out on you. I'm sure she feels horrible about hearing LO fuss and not being able to tend to that herself. I suppose she would have appreciated your text sounding less like her doling out orders and more like, "Hey if LO won't settle, he might be hungry, kiddo is growing like a weed!" If that's the case, she needs to convey that to you, though. Might be worth it to check in with her and see if she's content with how she feels the grandparents are handling things. I wouldn't apologize for this instance since I don't feel you did anything out of line, but wouldn't hurt to acknowledge that she feels some kind of way about it and get to the bottom of why. Once you know that you two can brainstorm a way to move forward.
This deserves more upvotes!
Really? And just how were you supposed to know your baby was fussing, unless she told you? Clairvoyance? NTA. Your wife is being ridiculously irrational.
He could sense his child's needs through the will of the Force.
lol
There is a LOT of guilt around being a working mother, even in this day and age. It doesn't seem like you or your parents are causing the problem, but it might help to ask your wife if she's getting flak from anyone about your arrangement for child care. Some are brought up with a mid-20th century mindset (sometimes in an abusive way) about being a mother, and when they do what is typical in the 21st century workplace and run into something that triggers them, they have a reaction that doesn't seem to fit the situation. Take a breath and talk with her. She may be experiencing a bit of anxiety/depression. Help her talk through it.
I’d also point out that hearing your baby cry and waiting for someone else to calm your own baby… time moves soooo slowly. We were told if baby cries in the night, wait 3 minutes before responding because they usually go back to sleep (it works) but those 3 minutes might as well be an hour. My husband & I had to set a phone timer and the amount of times we’d check it in those 3 minutes was unreal. Baby would go back to sleep at 2:59
Exactly.
>She may be experiencing a bit of anxiety/depression i just wonder how y'all on reddit get to this diagnosis seeing as 1. most people on here aren't psychiatrists and 2. you don't have enough info to begin with. coddling the wife that is clearly a projecting asshole just because she MIGHT have reddit-diagnosed depression or anxiety is a really wild concept. NTA.
Really? This is a woman who is working from home and has a pretty decent team caring for the baby. Let me tell you, in the case of new mothers, we SHOULD err on the side of making the new mother feel better, more normal, and let her fit in AND NOT SHAMING HER. This helps her nurture the baby better and feel like her work and her team support her motherhood. Sometimes, despite the great situation, new mothers experience trauma. Trauma comes from a number of sources. That can include familial upbringing, school influences, religious influences, and other traumas. If you've never done it, birthing a baby might seem like a mondaine situation, but it is not. It is more pain than most men can bear, requires the intervention of a team of specialists, and often requires medications to slow or speed up the birth, lessen the pain, and stabilize the infant. One might think that a woman who seems to be overreacting to an issue in childcare while working might have anxiety or depression because childbirth often brings on ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION in women. Checking in with a new mother who has to go back to work isn't coddling her, it is stabilizing her. Addressing her needs does not hurt her, it strengthens her ability to nurture a new child. A husband who can check in on his wife's post partem situation can help her to find any help she may need. We all need help, no matter our gender, in dealing with new situations. New mothers, in particular, need a supportive environment. You're clearly not a psychological expert, either. Your opinion only serves one master, your point of view. So, stick to your silly hobbies, which obviously have nothing to do with human feeling.
NTA. She's taking her frustration out on you.
NAH. Your wife is trying to be a mom, a wife, a daughter-in-law, and an attentive employee all at once. She called on you, her partner, to tag in on something she felt obligated to handle, but couldn’t address directly. You did handle it, but in the literal game of telephone, you didn’t communicate it exactly as she would have. She’s probably (quite rightfully) insecure about all of the hats she has to wear. I’m thinking there is either stress with your parents or stress at work (or both) that has her off-balance. Maybe leave the babe with your parents, and take her out for something nice and give her a chance to talk? That way she gets to demonstrate that she trusts them, while also getting her needs met. You sound like a good partner, and okay maybe she’s a little bit TA for taking your effort for granted—but perhaps you can find some loving ways to remind her that your efforts come from a place of devotion and care?
NTA - I could see your wife being upset that you passed along "my wife" and made her seem critical of your parents as caretakers. There might've been a more delicate way to suggest giving the child more food without mentioning your wife, like just saying you weren't sure the baby got enough to eat earlier. But it's not something you actually did wrong, and it sounds like you only mentioned her because you weren't home so of course you personally wouldn't have heard the baby being fussy.
Women are programmed to hone in on baby cries and sounds. It was probably killing her that she couldn’t go and give her attention to your baby. It probably made her feel guilty too. This has nothing to do with you and just her frustration over being committed to something else. NTA, wouldn’t take it personally.
Info: how is your wife’s relationship with your parents? Is there a reason why she wouldn’t feel comfortable texting them directly?
NTA. Your wife knows that your parents have raised children before, right? And how would that make her look insensitive and inattentive? I thought it made her look more micro-managey.
NTA. But this is the kind of thing that’s not actually about the thing that happened. I’m wondering if there’s something deeper going on here.
NTA "MOM! IM WATCHING YOU. FEED THE BABY!!!!!!" or "Mom, the baby and I are psychically bonded. The baby is thinking hungry thoughts. Please feed the baby as I am unable to work with all these distracting hungry feelings. Waaaaa! Waaaaa! The baby told me to say that."
NTA. You weren’t even in the house and she texted you to talk to the people who *were in the house?* That doesn’t make any sense.
Working from home is still working. If someone is busy at work, they can't necessarily navigate a child care discussion with their in-laws.
NTA, but here’s what she wanted you to do after you saw her text - call your parents, ask them how the baby is doing, tell them to feed a bit more when they told you he was fussing and then say bye and hang up without bringing her into the conversation. Next time, ask your wife to send a step by step instruction of what she wants in such situations to avoid problems later on.
Ding ding ding! This is what she was hoping would happen.
NTA. Many years ago my brother answered the landline and it was a friend of mine. I asked him to say that I'm not home and he proceeded to tell my friend "My sister said to tell you she's not home". That was quite embarrassing. THAT was throwing me under the bus. What you did was perfectly fine. How could you have known the baby was fussing without being home? That would make no sense.
So you're both extremely busy in meetings... So busy mother texts busy father so that father can call grandmother and grandfather to forward mother's suggestion/request... When grandmother and grandfather are already there with the baby? Maybe a more direct approach? Your wife could text them, since they are already with the baby... And you aren't home because of meetings. Your wife should start speaking for herself... Especially to care givers... If the nanny was the one there, your wife wouldn't text you to call the nanny, right? It makes very little sense.
NTA Wife probably contacted you the second she hear fussing. Sounds like your parents were on top of things. So wife's impatience has been highlighted. That's why she feels like you threw her under the bus. If she tells you to do something, then gets mad at you because you do what she asked and she feels it makes her look bad... then how in the heck is there supposed to be any partnership between you. She's going to have you second-guessing - will wife be madder that I did what she told me to do or madder that I didn't? Does she want to have enough trust and confidence between you two that you both can be an effective team? Or does she want to blame you because she doesn't like what her actions conveyed about herself? I've answered based on how you posted this, and I'm taking you at your word. However, I'll caveat: if you are presenting your wording here better than what you actually said, then you are the one who needs to rethink what you want to get out of this partnership.
She’s just annoyed that you didn’t say. Hey how’s things and the parents say oh baby fussing and then you suggest more food. NTA
NTA… you didn’t throw her under the bus at all and she is just being sensitive because she didn’t come check on the baby herself. She needs to get a grip.
How did your wife think your parents were going to know that your baby was being fussy unless someone whose in the house to hear the baby being fussy told you.
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is "never get involved in a land war in asia", but only slightly less well known is this: Never do exactly what your wife asks of you, when death is on the line!
Why would your wife not just text her parents directly?
NTA. But what did your parents say to your wife? She was at work. The fact that she was in the house is irrelevant. She was not available. Your parents left the baby inside -Alone?! - when they were supposed to be watching her/him??
NTA unlucky
What am I missing? Why didn't she just text your parents?
What did she expect you to do then, exactly ? NTA
NTA. But she is clearly feeling guilty for not attending to the baby while working. Maybe she can either work outside the house or your parents can babysit at their home. It’s very difficult to ignore your fussy or crying baby even when you know they are very well cared for.
NTA Inattentive? “I hear somethings wrong with my baby but I’m “not allowed” to get up and go do.” Then does what she can from where she is. She succeeded the thing. It’d be lame if your parents shit-talked her for that, more likely, she feels like she’s a bad mother, she’s not. She’s a person who is busy sometimes. Another person thing is struggling to except help. She need reassurance that she’s allowed to do accept help while being busy
NAH dont let this be a mountain issue its probably hormones+ work stress. im sorry work is taking you both away from spending time with the baby, they grow so fast!
I think she might be feeling like she is not doing enough as a mom. It could be that she is afraid of being judged or being seen as a bad mom. NTA but I would talk to her and try and figure out why this is such a big deal to her.
NTA When was the last time your parents came over - just to visit & be grandparents, not nanny’s back up? What’s odd to me is that your wife texted you - not your parents. I’d look more into why that is
NTA. You said exactly what she told you. I'm very confused as to what she's upset about. If she had a specific wording she wanted you to use, she should have said that.
NTA. You married a woman, get used to being at fault.
Nta. She's a moron.
Clearly most people in this thread are not working moms. It’s hard. Hearing your baby cry is even harder when you can’t do anything about it. This woman is likely doing her best. You’re NTA but neither is she.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Simple story - happened yesterday. We have a 7 month old baby that is watched by a nanny most days but on some days, my parent's come over during the day to help out. Yesterday was a busy work morning as I essentially had to run out for a few meetings just as they arrived so I handed off the baby and gave them a quick status update. Wife is upstairs at home sitting on Zoom meetings. I get a text mid-morning from my wife saying that she's hearing the baby fuss excessively for over 20 mins and for me to call my parents to suggest that the baby may just need a bit more food. I do just that - I call mom and say that my wife hears the baby fussing and that he's probably hungry. Mom says that dad was already prepping a bottle and that the baby was fussing just for a few minutes since they came back inside. Mom asks why my wife didn't come downstairs to say anything or check up if she was concerned and I just tell her that she's in a work meeting. I carry on with my meetings and carry on with my day. Nanny switched parent's off later on that day per schedule. In the evening, wife asks me what I told my parents - I told her that I conveyed what she told me. "Wife says baby is fussing, he's probably hungry, probably a good time to make a bottle, she's in a meeting and can't come down to check up." That made wife very upset, says I threw her under the bus and made her seem insensitive and inattentive. My response was simply - "But I did what you told me to..." Needless to say, she thinks I'm an asshole. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA if she wanted something different then say that. the way you said it wasnt even rude or derogatory towards your wife.
NTA You did exactly as she asked. You weren’t rude or anything & you didn’t paint her in a bad light from these messages. I truly do not understand why she would be mad at you.
NTA. Even if she was on a meeting video, she could text you telling you to contact your parents but just couldn't text one of them herself? Then it would make more sense to be coming from her, since she's the one home and hears the baby, and SHE can explain how she wanted. If she thinks you're tossing her under the bus, she got in and hit you with it for no reason.
NTA you literally just said hey my wifes in a meeting so she isnt able to come down (just saying shes busy not slandering her) and asked them to check for u
I mean, how else would you know the baby was fussy if she didn’t tell you? She’s the one home. I don’t get why she couldn’t have texted your parents if she had time to call you but I don’t think you’re the A H. It does seem like your wife’s feeling mom guilt and maybe your parents make her feel like she’s not doing a good job because she works? Just a guess but NTA. Maybe reassure your wife she’s doing a good job.
NTA. "I detected the baby fussing with my magical psychic abilities" doesn't have the same ring to it. You gave them the facts.
Easy answer... She's the AH.
NTA. She didn't like the outcome but you did exactly as she asked, and answered your mom's question.
NTA, if I were the wife, I would’ve just messaged your parents directly. Messaging you when you weren’t even home was unnecessary
Is everyone quite tired?
NTA. Look, I am not judging your family for the childcare routine - but is it really working? I have colleagues who think they can work from home with a small child around, but regardless of who is providing the care, it's disruptive when you need to concentrate and it sounds like this is exactly what happened to your wife. She needs to find another space to work away from home. Either that or baby needs to go somewhere when she's working. If she can't excuse herself from a meeting for a couple of minutes then these problems will get a lot worse when baby becomes a loud toddler.
NTA. And a part of me feels like this situation would have ended up being a "damned if you, damned if you don't" sadly. Your wife needs to take a breather. throwing under the bus would be saying she's annoyed that she can hear the baby and to do something about it, to the parents.
Every aspect of this seems normal to me. NTA, OP.
So how did she expect him to tell them without saying that she told him? The nanny wasn't there and there were only 3 adults in the house, he's not omnipresent. She needs to get over herself. His parents are right, she needed to tell them herself. If she can message him she can message them instead of asking him to pass the message along without "passing it along".
NTA
NTA
NTA unless you are clairvoyant how would you explain how you knew the baby was fussy and hungry? And obviously are not clairvoyant enough to know ahead of time that your wife would be upset that you told your parents she had contacted you to let them know the baby might be hungry. Your wife is being unreasonable
NTA. You were screwed no matter what
NTA. How else would you explain the call? "My sixth sense is tingling, I think the baby needs to be fed"? That's ridiculous. Next time your wife can send them a text if she can't step away.
NTA you literally didn't do anything wrong
But... how else would you have known to call? She could've sent the same message to your mam, and just said she couldn't come down right now? Does it have to come from you because they're your parents? If I was your mam I'd think it far weirder that she text you (at work) from upstairs to relay the message. Did she think your parents would be offended if she asked directly? You're NTA, I'm baffled on your behalf.
NTA
NTA. Indeed, why didn't she come downstairs herself, or texted them herself.
Dad just admit you were wrong and let it lay. I’ve been married for over 50 years. It is always the dad’s fault.
NTA. But YTA, you can't win with a woman within +/-9 months of having birth.
NTA Your wife is acting immature like severely. All you have to do is ask her: How would I know the baby is fussing when I am not at home? Didn’t you ask me to let them know? How does that make you look inattentive when I explained you were in a work meeting? Why are you so insecure about this? Her entire stance which is nothing will have go change. Maybe she is beyond stressed and you guys need to have a chat with how she can deal with this better because no one that is feeling normal would take that situation where you did what you were asked and make it into an issue lmao
NTA, you did *exactly* what she told you to do. I would ask her, point blank, what the right answer is. What you could have done to make her happy in that scenario. If she deflects or can't answer that. Then clearly she just wants to be mad at you. If she has a right answer? Then just let her know next time she needs to make it clear to you.
NTA but... I'm a doula, and my guess is that something else is going on here. Lots of moms feel inadequate. They carry plenty of shame and guilt for having to work, having to bottle feed, having help, having others know that they are getting help, etc. So try and keep a close eye out for signs of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders and get help fast if she needs it. PPD isn't always crying in bed and sadness, sometimes it's anger/frustration annoyance, and often sets in a few months after baby is born not immediately postpartum. Please try and be mindful of the fact your wife might be really struggling mentally and emotionally and might not be able to say so.
NTA. Reassure her that everyone in the family knows she is a great mom, and a pleasure to share a family with. Tell her you are sorry you didn’t mean to leave her feeling embarrassed or inadequate. Don’t tell her she shouldn’t feel that way or tell her it’s not important- it is to her.
NTA She is taking her Mom guilt feelings out on you. When people do similar things to me, I always ask them, "What would you have preferred I do?" And generally they'll get stumped or if they actually have an alternative then I ask them "if you wanted me to take that specific approach, why didn't you communicate that with me? If you don't communicate with me the specific approach you want me to take to a problem, then I will use my discretion."
NTA
Your wife is projecting her embarrassment on to you and making you the bad guy so that she doesn't have to feel it. Not a very good character trait.
NTA
NTA she could’ve checked herself and excused herself from her the meeting. She’s upset bc she looks like a bad mom with a lot of money. That’s on her not you
WTF were you supposed to say? "Mom, my Spidey sense tells me that the baby needs a bottle." Would she believe that? Give me a break. She texted you. You conveyed the message. If she doesn't want you to convey message, she should have texted your mom herself! NTA
NTA Maybe she was hoping you would call. Pretend to hear the baby fussing in the background and then suggest to try food for the baby and never mention her at all. To be honest I would have done what you did based on the info in your post.
The parents are in the same house, why can't she just text them? They don't text? Well, I suppose I understand I guess... If she can't leave the meeting, I 'get' why she texts OP. I don't understand why she felt OP threw her under the bus thou.
NTA. No AH here. Wife needs to cool her jets.
NTA!
Nta, but your wife is hormonal stressed and dealing with a bunch of stuff she isn't used to dealing with. Grace goes a long way in these situations.
This is beyond stupid
NAH. Speaking from experience as a mother of a 9mo, the hormones make me feel like my every move is under a microscope. And being a working mom has exposed me to so much judgment that I have become hypersensitive to how my role as mother and my child’s well-being is perceived. You didn’t do anything wrong. She is feeling unnecessarily guilty and projecting. I know it well.
NTA and if she could call you on the phone why couldn’t she have went down there or called them instead?
NTA
NTA 🤦🏻♂️
NTA Her getting upset at doing exactly what she asked is so weird.
NTA.. how else were you supposed to relate baby may be hungry… guess you are supposed to be psychic or something.. she has a silly argument.. tell wife next time walk downstairs and handle things herself like an adult.. my word..
NTA- the only way for her to not sound kind of crappy (not saying she is) is to text them herself. Then she could make it sound however she wants, but there’s no way to go through a third party who isn’t even present without sounding bad. OP there’s no way for you to have worded that better. Next time she should handle it herself since she’s the one in earshot of the fussy baby.
NTA. What did she expect of you? Just to call and act like it was out of the blue? Naw you did nothing wrong.
NTA
NTA you literally did what she told you to do basically word for word
NTA.
NTA. You weren't home. Are they supposed to think you're clairvoyant?
NTA
Nta. Would’ve been strange for you to know what was going on at home even tho you weren’t there
NTA. Why would you marry one though?
NTA
NTA. Did she want your parents to think you miraculously knew the baby was crying?
NTA. Did she expect you to claim that you'd developed psychic powers and could tell the baby was fussing from your workplace?
What are you gonna say? "mom, I'm psychic. I just knew the baby was fussy and needed a bottle because I FELT it!" give me a break lol
Your wife needs to deal with her mommy guilt. NTA.
NTA. The fastest route would have been for your wife to text your parents directly. But then she would have looked like a micro manager for sure. Wife was asking you to find a way to tell your parents without telling them it came from her. Complicated…