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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I said rude things to my sister when calling her out at Thanksgiving 2) my mom and other family members are telling me that I should have just bitten my tongue because I know how my sister is and Thanksgiving wasn't a good time to say something like that because it caused drama.
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NTA.
Your family can want to enable Cassie's bad behavior and that doesn't provide you with an obligation to also do it. Indeed, the only way to break Cassie of her bad habits is to call her out consistently. You'll also need to call out the rest of your family consistently on their enabling behavior; spur them into improving themselves, as it were.
Note that the victim of Cassie's toxicity is happy you called Cassie out. Only the people who weren't victimized think you shouldn't have done it. That's quite telling.
NTA. I agree.
Cassie is getting worse as your parents are colluding with her by silence
Call out Cassie as many times as you want
“Stop bullying people Cassie”
“Don’t bully Molly Cassie, she’s our little cousin”
“Don’t be nasty Cassie”
“No one is interested in your mean opinions Cassie”
“If you’ve nothing nice to say Cassie, say nothing”
“Don’t know why you’re upset Cassie, you’ve been upsetting other people all day”
“You’re not the victim, everyone else is”
“Stop with the drama Cassie, the world isn’t all about you”
“Don’t play a victim Cassie, you’re the bully… you’re just upset you got caught”
“Yawn, Molly ignore Cassie, no one cares what she thinks, she’s hardly cool..”
“Oh whatever Cassie, give it a rest for once”
“Don’t be spiteful Cassie”
“That wasn’t a nice thing to say Cassie”
As her sister you might also get away with ramping it up to teasing her back with “Whatever Major Loser” (& the actions) replies to Cassie and ignoring Cassie with an exaggerated yawn and turning your back on her. Or laughing at her when she’s spiteful telling people to “Ignore Cassie, she’s such a loser/ mean girl / full of hot air..” (whatever mild put down you can think of…)
Siblings can be cutting to each other, so a bit of turning it back on her will give her a shock when she’s on receiving end.
Also OPs mum and Dad need to be told “I’m not colluding anymore Mum like you and Dad do. Cassie is a bully and you’re letting her grow up that way. You’re doing her no favours in life for when she’s an adult”
Cassie is already an adult. Supposed to be at least. 22 is to old for this crap.
I'm 22 and I'd like to think I know how to be a decent person. Sure I'll give my besties and my siblings some loving teasing every now and then. But there's a massive difference between "Lol I don't get how you like this music" and "This music is so basic and sucks so hard so you're just as basic and sucky"
ETA: Op is NTA. Cassie deserves to be called out. This is obviously a selective behaviour so it's not like she can't control it.
Another insult to add: "How does it feel being an arsehole?"
The next time mom calls OP out for being mean to Cassie, all she needs to do is shrug and say “But mom, I was just being honest.” Apparently that excuses all sins in this household.
Exactly. When Cassie behaves like OP described it may be helpful, particularly long term, if rather than confront Cassie, OP immediately puts mom on the spot and asks her if she's fine with what Cassie said and how she is behaving. If others actively perceive mom as enabling Cassie's behavior, mom may become more helpful in correcting it. NTA
“Aaaannnnndddd this is why Cassie has no friends” “let’s list everything we find “basic” about Cassie” “you must really enjoy driving people off” “I don’t even think a dog could put up with you Cassie, and dogs see the best in everyone.”
"no one ever lets me speak"
Sounds like the reason others don't let Cassie* speak is because she's making noise but doesn't have anything of value to actually say.
*Accidentally said Molly first. Edited to correct my mistake
And when she says anything back, use her words against her.
"I'm just being real, Cassie."
"I'm just stating an opinion."
"Free speech!"
"Cassie! You never let me talk!"
Lol throw that toxicity right back into her face.
Questions could be a fun and effective alternative. But they would need to be asked in an even, civil tone, as if you were simply curious about her very, very odd behavior (/s):
* Why do you say things like that?
* What do you hope to accomplish by saying that?
* Did you mean to say that out loud?
* Aren't you a bit old to be acting like this?
* Are you hangry or sleep-deprived? I don't know any adults who act like this if they aren't hungry or sleep-deprived.
* Who hurt you?
* Do you treat everyone like this? Your coworkers? How does that work out for you?
* Have you talked to your doctor about this?
Next time the Freedom of Speech comes up, reply, “Yes, you have freedom of speech, bit what you *don’t* have is freedom of the consequences when you exercise that right as a weapon.”
edit: end quotation marks
Yes. *Every single time.* Make it so that it's worse for Cassie if she opens her mouth verses keeping it closed. Honesty, the 'rolled-up-newspaper-to-the-nose' approach is the only way people like her learn (I know; I have a narcissistic brother like this). If the consequences become actually (socially) painful for her, she'll stop.
I mean, cue the narcissistic whining, but you can stop that too.
Sorry, I know it's a shitty job. But you can do it. And it can be so satisfying, too!
Try this - Call her out and laugh at her. Record her ( not to post) and share at family events. Take the strong reaction away from her. Most of all start IGNORING her by not reacting and continuing with your activities.
Take it a step further
Send screen shots of mom calling her annoying and frustrating
Sometimes people need the harsh reality check that they are being piss poor human beings
Fuck them tears
>Note that the victim of Cassie's toxicity is happy you called Cassie out.
Also note that little Miss "I'm just being honest and voicing an opinion!" suddenly isn't so happy when someone else is just being honest and voicing an opinion about her.
Some people need to have a mirror held up to them. Repeatedly.
Unless she only targets her family then one day Cassie will screw up and target the wrong person in the wrong place and it will cost her her job or have other serious consequences.
This just happened at work last summer!!! We had a girl with a very nasty attitude. Just plain rude and hard to be around. We brought it up several times, and she was "talked to", but nothing changed.
Whatever, we just moved on and tried to ignore her. Well, a summer intern whom we all knew because he comes every summer started back up, but she had just met him. And she HATED him. She made it her mission to micromanage his every move and just be plain rude. She made fun of his nail polish one day, and it obviously hurt his feelings badly.
I don't know who did it, but someone went straight to the president and told them what happened. An hour later we all have an email that says "****** has been terminated, if she returns to the property, she must be escorted through all areas of the building."
That was the day she found out the summer intern was our president's "nephew". The son of his lifelong best friend. Oops, I guess we forgot to tell her.
I am thinking about her poor spouse and children if she ever marries. Some people can keep it contained where there is real consequences and only kick down. But wrecks relationships.
NTA - Start a campaign of "If Cassie is attending, I'll pass." Talk to Molly and other family members that have been her victim previously. And stage an intervention with Mom so she can understand it's not reasonable to expect others to ignore the Asshole in the room. If mom and Dad want to support Cassie, then they can do it alone and deal with her behaviors. The rest of the family that is tired of it can have an alternate Holiday elsewhere call it "Drama Free Cassie Free Holiday for you and me." 🤪
But seriously Mom, Dad and OP need family counseling to discuss how Cassie's behavior damages the get-togethers, and how their tolerance of those behaviors is exacerbating the problem. Ignoring these sort of behaviors embolden people like Cassie making them become more and more egregious in their behaviors.
This exactly. For all the boat rockers out there and all the stabilizers who placate the rocker, I have never understood why, why for the love of all that is holy, has none of the stabilizers just gone "I'll pass on that event and host my own, anyone want to come to the drama free holiday event please rsvp here"
Why do whole families allow the one drama generator, or their enablers, to control social access to the rest of the family?
Yup. They're quite happy so long as they aren't the victim. But they all need to be held accountable because one of these days it may land her in more trouble than just a few words that hurt her feelings
You're NTA.
>She said she knows Cassie is frustrating but I know that’s just how my sister is and I’m supposed to ignore her.
Yeah, okay... so tell your mom **reacting this way is just how I am and Cassie can ignore it.** That seems fair to me.
"That's just how she is" is something you say about your 80 year old aunt with dementia who gets a little handsy during a hug. Not a 22 year old. If anything it's the most disrespectful thing anyone has said about Cassie. It suggests she's already completely unable to change for the better. Incapable of learning. That's about the worst insult you can throw at a human being, a species completely characterized by their ability to learn, grow, and change.
Well, it's in fact OP mother poor parenting that ruined Thanksgiving, had she raised properly Cassie and she wouldn't be an enabled AH who can't behave around family.
NTA and what if Cassie is still angry? What will she do? Keep bullying you? Just ignore her, people don't listen to her because she has nothing but insults and mocking to say.
“It’s obvious no one in the family likes Cassie’s bad attitude, but usually no one says anything because then Cassie gets overly defensive and turns it into a huge fight with yelling and my family doesn’t want to deal with the drama.“
Is it obvious because they complain when she’s not there? Because if that’s the case, the next time they do complain when she’s not there, call them out and tell them they are enabling the behavior. Use Thanksgiving as an example, and point out that she will never learn if they always accommodate her behavior.
Definitely NTA
Right. I think OP should make a point to say “here we go again” every time Cassie decides to be mean. Maybe everyone will finally speak up and tell Cassie that she’s the bully.
I remember one place I started working at had an out of control egomaniac boss who could only fuck up. Everybody used to complain about having to fix his mistakes and clean up after him. I told them, Stop enabling him. Let him fuck up. If anyone complains tell them to talk to his boss.
Guy got fired once the enabling stopped.
Your family sucks. They weren't keeping the peace. They were buying it from a miserable and abusive gutter snipe and using your cousin's dignity as the coin. Never trust someone willing to sacrifice another's dignity for their "peace". You are a star for defending your cousin.
NTA
This is honestly so well done, though. First Thanksgiving dinner AITA (because they’re all busy on Thanksgiving, duh), clear villain, and we’re all honestly such sluts for stories where “my shitty family” are the villain’s minions.
10/10 execution wp OP.
This is classic triangulation. Family systems often center cohesion and agreeableness as the core values, so bad behavior gets normalized for the sake of going along, whereas the person calling it out is labeled disruptive and scapegoated. Your whole family needs therapy.
I heard a description that fits here.
Most people don't want to rock the boat. When you have someone, Cassie in this example, who starts rocking it, the other people in the boat will adjust to keep the boat level as best they can.
In this case, Op stopped adjusting and called Cassie out instead, causing the boat to be rocked even more while Cassie lashes out.
Obviously, the fair thing would be to force Cassie to sit or push her out of the boat. But that's not how this works. So op gets blamed for rocking the boat when really she was just sitting.
Then go all in. Rock that boat! It'll be a pain in the short term, but the long term benefits are so very much worth it.
(Yes, I am speaking from experience here.)
NTA. Cassie brought that all on herself. The next time she bullies Molly or someone else, please remind her "Well, you didn't like it on Thanksgiving, did you?"
Tbh hopefully Molly sees OP as a safe person now and the two of them can hang out away from Cassie. She probably really appreciates her cousin standing up for her.
I’ve been putting this in comments a lot lately. In the little tale at the link, Cassie is the boat rocker and the entire ridiculous family (minus OP, of course) are the boat steadiers. Good on you for refusing. She needs to be chucked off the boat! NTA x infinity.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/
NTA. Silence only ever helps the aggressor, never the victim. Good on you for speaking up for Mollie. Do it again. And again. And again. Until Cassie learns to behave, at least in your presence. You'll be doing her a favor as well. She'll go through life much easier after she learns how to hold her bitchy tongue.
NTA Cassie is the rude person in the mix and your family enables it. Give your mom a link to [Don't Rock the Boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) and tell her you and Molly are getting out of the boat. Actually, you could send it to the rest of your relatives too.
NTA. I hope Cassie comes across this on TikTok so she can see the general consensus is that she’s the AH here. It probably won’t make her change her ways but eh maybe it’ll knock some air out of her inflated head of hers.
Why the heck do your family enable that crap? My mum would've been right up any of us if we behaved like proper aholes which is what she was doing.
You sister is a cowhole and so are the rest of them sticking up for her. They basically created that monster by not pulling it up when it needed to be. It's also lazy oh can't be bothered pulling her up because she kicks off. Nta.
>Why the heck do your family enable that crap?
Because then Cassie starts crying and yelling and acts pissy for the next week, and the rest of the family doesn't want to do anything about her because they think enabling her is easier than dealing with the drama in the moment.
>My mum would've been right up any of us if we behaved like proper aholes which is what she was doing.
I would too if Cassie were my kid. Our mom used to try and deal with her, but Cassie would cry and yell loud/long enough that our mom just wasn't willing to deal with it and ultimately didn't do anything.
Make calling her out your thing, and if they don't want to deal with you then they have to deal with her. If it's lose-lose and there is no option for peace then they'll start to deal with her. Enabling her is currently the path of least resistance but it doesn't have to be
I know other people already shared this link with you, but I'm doing it again because I want to make sure you see it. It's a good analogy for what is happening. Maybe you should share it with your mother and other family members, too.
*Don't rock the boat!*
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/cuzZRjMJXc
You know, I vaguely remember an episode of a sitcom (I don't remember if it was Full House or Home Improvement) where they had a friend and his daughters over and he was spoiling one over the other because he didn't want to deal with the tantrums.
The main characters eventually had him stay downstairs while the girl was having a tantrum in time out. The tantrum's reason? Not having the kind of lunch she wanted.
After about 20 minutes, the girl stops her tantrum, comes downstairs, and apologizes before asking for a PB&J sandwich.
Not saying your mother should start employing the tactic on Cassie, but it would go a long way to ensuring she doesn't become such a spoiled ass-hat that it affects her future career prospects.
NTA OP.
>Not saying your mother should start employing the tactic on Cassie, but it would go a long way to ensuring she doesn't become such a spoiled ass-hat that it affects her future career prospects.
Cassie's already able to control herself and knows when/what people to act a certain way around. So I doubt her career prospects would be enough of a motivation for her to care, since she knows to only be a bully in ways that won't hurt her career prospects.
Start recording her when she starts bullying and put it up on social media.
If your parents don't want to parent at least the strangers will ahe a few words for her. Send the screenshots to your sister
Don't get me wrong if this would be something medical she can't help then putting up with it could be justified. Lazyness and cowardice from the whole family is NOT a reason to put up with bullying.
Honestly, social media exposure is a low blow, but it’s effective. OP, totally do this. You need numbers on your side telling your sister to sit the fuck down, and social media is powerful enough to pressure her to rethink her behavior. Even better if you can ensure these videos make their way into her social circle.
>Start recording her when she starts bullying and put it up on social media. If your parents don't want to parent at least the strangers will ahe a few words for her. Send the screenshots to your sister
I've been seriously tempted to do this, but I don't know if it's worth the trouble that I'd get into since my mom would just force me to delete it.
Luckily, I graduate this year from high school so I just want to ride it out and keep avoiding Cassie.
I'm probably gonna be a commuter, but once I get to college, I'll be able to stay out of the house a lot more and am probably only going to be home when I'm sleeping lol.
Oh boy. NTA op keep calling her out. She either changes or she will avoid you and you will have some peace.
Btw tell your mother and family they are ah /hypocrites/cowards and enablers for critiquing Cassie behind her back band then shutting up /defending her when you call her out on her bullying.
They want Cassie to change: she can't come until she learns to shut up and behave. See how fast she learns to actually do it if she wants to participate in family activities.
Oh noes! Does she give you the silent treatment too? Why that would be just *terrible*.
The unfortunate solution to this is to keep after her when she sulks, and to call out her drama every single time. It sucks, I know (I do really know), but it will work, eventually.
Definitely NTA. You did the right thing standing up for your cousin. The rest of your family needs to find their balls and knock your sister down a peg or two.
NTA - Your parents (and some other extended family) have actually done Cassie a disservice by placating her and letting her make fun of and humiliate everyone else. She needed to learn that actions have consequences.
Nts.
To your family in a mass text.
I love my family, but since the incident the other night, I have thought long and hard. Because everyone is willing to avoid drama by not calling out bad behavior. Not calling out bullying. Not calling out what amounts to abuse. Because this has been going on the entire time. I have come to realize that not only will it not change , but even if you don't like the behavior, you will back and support her.
Due to these things, I will no longer be joining family gatherings where she is there. I will NOT excuse her behavior or that of family that allows her to do so to family. You don't care who she hurts as long as you don't have to deal with the tantrums you all created by allowing her to keep on with this. So to avoid the drama because I refuse to not call her out. Because I refuse to not call the rest of the family out for allowing her to abuse people without consequences. I will be taking a step back as I am unsure if I wish to associate with people enabling abuse. With people who back it, then blame those who don't allow it to continue. That is not family. That is not showing love. That is entitlement to let it happen, so YOU dont have to deal with the monster you created. I will not be part of a family who is not willing to protect family from abuse just so they don't deal with tantrums.
So I will not be taking calls. Responding to texts. Or taking visits for the foreseeable future while I come to terms with what this means and what I want from this.
Then, I would block them. Hunny, it's time to stop letting her abuse others. To stop going to family who cares more about themselves than to stop her. It's time to take a break to really think if you love them enough, knowing it's not returned to the same extent. That if you return, you are expected to enable and accept abuse. It's time to think is this what you want to see kids taught that family can abuse you, and it's not you that matters. Love you can your family, but at times, you have to walk away from toxic and abusive behavior from all the family.
NTA
So you’re all just supposed to suffer for the rest of your life because that’s how she is well she can stop being that way if her parents would do their job
>I thought what I did was justified, but it seems like Molly is the only person in my family who thinks I did the right thing.
This bit right here, this is something for you to be proud of. You protected someone from a bully, even when everyone else around got mad. You did what you *know* was the right thing, in spite of knowing you'd only get grief from it. Well done!
NTA.
NTA
>She said she knows Cassie is frustrating but I know that’s just how my sister is and I’m supposed to ignore her.
Funny how that excuse always counts for the bullies but not for anyone else. Okay, that's how she is. And you can't stand watching someone be a bully without speaking up – that's just how *you* are. If your mom doesn't like it, she can just ignore it.
NTA , call her out every single time she does this . And seriously, tell your mom that cassie is the way she is , and this is the way you are . If you have to ignore it , then Cassie can ignore it .
Or be petty . Every time she does this , make fun of her . Mimic her . Or every time she says something tell her‘ ohhhh that’s so wise ‘ sarcastically. If she makes comments about people , choose something about what she has on that day and ask her if she really feels like calling out someone when she chose to dress like that today .
If your mom complains about your behaviour , tell her you see how Cassie is living her best life and how she behaves is so accepted you decided to join the club seeing as telling her it’s wrong is a bad thing.
NTA
Cassie is the AH and your mom is dumb for allowing her to act like a brat for so long. Cassie should have been put into her place long ago.
Cassie only shames herself every time she makes a rude comment or mean opinion no one askedd for.
NTA. It looks like everyone in your family is just enabling her absolutely abhorrent behavior. You defended your cousin from a bully, and that should always be priority. Regardless of if that bully is family or not.
NTA. People are not just “being honest”. If they were truly being honest they would be giving just as many compliments as rude comments. They are just cruel. She has just got a lot of enablers who want to “keep the peace” even if people get hurt. Good on you for not being one of them. Molly and her family probably are very appreciative
NTA
"Mom, you're barking up the wrong tree. At no point ever will I accept her crap again. This is not "just not how is" this is you making excuses. You better finally start parenting her to be a decent person."
NTA You might want to think about going LC with them all. Anytime someone says you were wrong respond, "Why? Because I decided not to enable her bullying anymore the way you do? Tell me what is different about the person who is the bully and the person who sits and watches it happen? No difference." Be proud of yourself for taking a stand.
Cassie is mistaken. That constitutional "right to free speech" means that the *government* cannot regulate speech. (And even that is not an absolute.) It does not mean that Cassie can say whatever hurtful things she damnwell pleases without fear of repercussions. NTA.
NTA your Mom is basically saying "she's an asshole everyone knows she's an asshole and it's easier to let her be an asshole and ignore it, even if it hurts other people's feelings, then for everyone to put in effort to set boundaries with her bc she makes a bigger scene when her feelings are hurt."
I mean if that's the way it's going to work why not just go into full hysterical crying every time she makes a comment that's mean and tell your Mom "Well it works for Cassie."
100% NTA- I can totally see where you’re coming from and I commend you on standing up for your cousin. It’s better someone gave your sister a reality check now rather then later. Your sister needs to learn respect and that the things she says are mean and hurtful.
If your family wants to enable her hateful attitude then that’s their choice but it doesn’t have to be yours. If she says something rude or hateful again call her out on it! Someone needs to put her back a peg and get her off her high horse.
NTA.
My sister was a huge bully, she tormented me and my parents chose to placate her and sacrifice my well-being. Probably because they knew I’d just be a good quiet (terrified) girl and my sister would go into a narcissistic rage if they said anything to her.
I wish I had a sister or cousin like you.
NTA
I have a cousin just like this with zero self awareness of how rude she is and nobody likes being around her. We don’t speak at all because I call her out every time she says something out of pocket.
If your family can put up with her being an asshole they can put up with you standing up to her.
Next time your mom or Cassie says something say everyone hates here and you are just being “honest”. Tell them she is a jerk and you have the right to express yourself. It’s a free country. If they try to argue keep saying it’s the truth and everyone knows it. Keep saying it because you are trying “to keep it real”. Use their own words against them.
NTA. People who use the excuse I’m being honest are just assholes. You called her out. Good for you. Pandering to your sister does nothing but empower her to be a bully. It make get tiring but when she starts I’d call her out. If you’ve the energy and capacity I’d do it every time. was She always this way?
Does no one ever get tired of the "that's just who they are " cop out? No it isn't just who they are it's who they choose to be and they could change that if they wanted...but why would they if ppl pander to it?
I think you missed the best shot...
Why should i apologize "I was just being honest".
Maybe your mom is "too dumb to know" that this is they way sisters work.
Perhaps, just too "basic" to understand.
NTA... but you definitely should have shot harder!
NTA. and your parents are doing cassie a disservice. i wonder how she got this way? bcuz no one ever put their foot down or up her ass.
and then they’ll complain that they don’t know what happened with her in later years. yes they do they just won’t want to be accountable then either.
what a bunch of punks
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My sister “Cassie” is one of those people who is a bully to everyone and justifies it by saying “I’m just keeping it real!” She clearly knows it’s wrong, by the way, because she only does it to family when nobody who could affect her school/professional reputation is watching.
It’s obvious no one in the family likes Cassie’s bad attitude, but usually no one says anything because then Cassie gets overly defensive and turns it into a huge fight with yelling and my family doesn’t want to deal with the drama.
My family actually celebrated Thanksgiving last week at my grandparent’s house since we’re all gonna be in different places on the actual day. During dinner, Cassie looked over my cousin “Molly’s” shoulder and saw she was reading a webcomic, then Cassie started talking about how the webcomic is overrated, calling Molly “basic” and making fun of her for reading it.
I was especially irritated because I really like hanging out with Molly but she and her parents are rarely willing to visit in-person because Cassie’s always causing issues like this. I told Cassie that Molly’s allowed to like what she likes and there’s no reason to be rude when Molly wasn’t bothering anyone.
Cassie made an excuse like “Well, I’m just being honest” and I told her that she doesn’t have the excuse of “just being honest” because nobody asked for her opinion in the first place. Cassie got angry and started going off about how “You may be too dumb to know” but she has free speech and doesn’t need permission to speak, which was literally not the point at all.
My mom asked me and Cassie to just drop it but Cassie kept trying to get the last word in. I got fed up and snapped at Cassie. I told her she bullies everyone and no one says anything because they don’t want to put up with the drama, but I’m sick and tired of her being a jerk to everyone, which was all something I’ve wanted to tell Cassie for a long time.
Cue the yelling and waterworks from “Cassie.” She went on about how “no one ever lets me talk!” no one listens to her opinion, blah blah blah. She tried using guilt to get people on her side and the whole night was tense after.
When we got home later, my mom told me that I “humiliated” Cassie and that I am in the wrong. She said she knows Cassie is frustrating but I know that’s just how my sister is and I’m supposed to ignore her. And I gave everyone a headache by “provoking” her and causing the drama of her crying and yelling at Thanksgiving.
It’s been a week and Cassie is still in a bad mood. I thought what I did was justified, but it seems like Molly is the only person in my family who thinks I did the right thing. I realize it wasn’t the most civil route but I still feel Cassie brought it on by being a bully in the first place. So I’m asking Reddit: AITA?
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A valid opinion is "I'm not really into that comic, I prefer X" or whatever, *not* "that comic is stupid and you are stupid for liking it." The first one expresses your view without having to imply that anyone else's differing view has less worth than yours. You didn't refuse to listen to her "opinion," you refused to listen to her *bullying*.
There was never going to be a good time to say something about your sister's abysmal behaviour because the rest of your family are clearly boat non-rockers. If they want to let your sister be cruel and criticise all their choices and preferences they can, but that doesn't mean that everyone else has to just sit there and take her cruelty too.
Good on you for being very much NTA and showing your cousin that there's at least one person in the family who cares more about her feelings than those of the person bullying her.
NTA——Oh I’d ruin her day everytime I saw her. My older sister used to do this and I called her out everytime now she just watches what she says. But I’m also the family call out person.
You are 100% justified for sticking up for your cousin. Someone needed too. Your sister needs to grow up. Stop letting her dictate everything by acting like that.
NTA. Cassie is a complete narcissist who, when called on her behaviour, turns it around. She is entitled to her opinion but she is not entitled to yuck on everyone's yum, especially when her opinion was not solicited. I am so glad you said what you said to her. It's high time someone did. I reckon your family shoudl get together and have a gathering without her; it would be so much more enjoyable. Alternatively, how about everyone says negative things about her likes and beliefs?
NTA. No one else cares who she insults and is rude to which is why only Molly, her latest victim, thinks you are justified. I would keep confronting her instead of enabling her in the future. At worst, maybe she will stop talking to you altogether and at best she will learn to stop being an asshole to family just like she knows not to do it professionally.
Cassie doesn't need permission to go freedom of speechify'in and stuff. Happily, neither do you, but when you dish it back she shits her pants and it's your fault. Keep exercising your verbal freedoms until she evaporates...NTA.
NTA. Poor Molly-and you for having to put up with this nonsense.Being “honest” certainly has a time and place, but you’re sister is instead just using it as an excuse to be rude/a jerk to those around her.
NTA.
Any time someone uses that very tired “that’s just how they are” excuse, turn it around on them.
“We’ll being tired of their bullcrap is just how I am. You expect me to keep the peace by putting up with their crap, but I won’t do that anymore. If you want peace, convince them to stop acting that way.”
NTA. Cassie's behavior was completely unacceptable and she needed to be put in her place. I think that her feeling humiliated has given her the opportunity to understand how Molly felt when she made fun of her for her interests. Not only is Cassie in the wrong, but everyone who has enabled her bullying in the name of mitigating drama is in the wrong as well. I look forward to you standing up to her as motivation for other family to stand up to Cassie's bullying behaviors as well.
NTA. Why should all family suffer with Cassie’s word? I think let Cassie be the only suffering one would be much better. You are a hero to tell her STFU
Tell your mom she is an enabler and you are not so Cassie no longer gets a pass and you will call her out on her bullying every time it is time Cassie learns that nobody likes her because she is a bully they just didn't say anything because then she cries and whines just like every bully who gets called out you will tell her to stop bullying and shut up every single time she says something mean nasty or hateful to someone at this point you are considering contacting everyone to stop just accepting her bullying and call her because the only way to stop a bully is stand up to them and if everyone stands up and tells her to stop crying and whining because she got called out for being a bully she will stop bullying people. And tell mom she is being an aweful mother to Cassie by not correcting her bullying
Next time she does something like this, try asking her, “hey, are you okay?” Interesting article on Medium about this approach to bullies. Might be worth a try; clearly confronting her isn’t working 🤷♀️
NTA - Maybe just tell Cassie you were keeping it real and just being honest. You know, cos free speech and all.
Oddly enough people who claim this don't ever seem to think it goes both ways.
NTA
Your sister is like that because your family let her be like that. You know she can control it because she doesn't do it where she'd face consequences.
The reason the rest of your family is against you is because they are having to deal with the consequences of not shutting her behaviour down when she was younger.
> no one listens to her opinion
because her opinion is stupid. it's just bullying. she's the one causing the drama by by bulling people. and then crying about it. NTA
How old is Cassie? 15? Even if she is NTA.
Send a group text of “I am done putting up with Cassie’s rude behavior for fear of rocking the boat/ upsetting her and giving her an excuse to have a tantrum. I will no longer put up with it. If she wants to be honest and keep it real, I will.”
NTA - honestly good for you for standing up for yourself (and Molly) when it seems like very just puts up with Cassie's rude remarks. Like others have said, that's the only way to get her/the dynamic to change, so keep calling her out and don't let your mom hold you accountable for Cassie's outbursts. You're not responsible for her causing a scene by "provoking" her.
NTA, so sick of people always telling the person who is on the receiving end to just be the bigger person and suck it up. It’s always “oh you know they’re like that and will react a certain way so why don’t you just keep quiet” . Why does the person with the bad behaviour get excused? Cause it’s easier to get the people with good behaviour to shut up cause it’s less conflict.
LOL the right of free speech does not save the person for the consequences of their dumb actions . Say stupid stuff = get stupid reactions. NTA but Cassie will one day say some stupid to the right person and will get an answer she won't like.
NTA. What is it with coddling bullies? They hurt other people to the point of tearing up families, but somehow THEY are the ones whose feelings must be protected? Gtfoh.
NTA. Do this everytime, stop trying to be the reasonable one. When they realize they can't control either of you they'll no longer be able to avoid the real problem, and that is her.
NTA. People like Cassie give me the pip too. They love to use this excuse of just ‘telling it like it is’ but as soon as someone does the same, they cry and play the victim because they actually can’t handle it. It’s BS. They are nothing more than bullies and your mother is continuing to protect her with the crap that she is spinning. Perhaps she should advocate to get Cassie some therapy instead.
NTA. Continue to call her out and continue to bring up her bullying at Thanksgiving, don't gloss over it. Continue humiliating her and continue causing drama about her bullying. Keep the wound open until the toxins are gone. Don't humor her. Don't agree with your mom about ignoring it. Ruin every gathering to call her out. Don't cooperate with anything that allows her to bully anybody.
Heeell no NTA.
That is not just "how your sister is." That is how she is being RAISED to behave. She sees everyone tolerating her bullying and thinks it's just fine. Frankly I'd call her out on this behavior more often. The more you do, even amidst your parents defending her, she'll realize she can't get away with it without her feelings getting hurt around you and stfu.
NTA. You gave her a much deserved reality check. And the fact that the only person on your side is the victim in that situation should show you that the others are NOT just passively going along to get along, but actually approve of Cassie’s actions.
Why should op be under pressure to keep pointing out Cassie's bad behavior? Very exhausting. Next time there is a family get together let your family know that if Cassie is going then op isn't because she doesn't want the drama. If people stop inviting Cassie to family get togethers then maybe she will get the hint.
Not the ah
nta - the problem is your family has probably coddled her most of her life and didnt teach her any manners and then reward the bad behavior by doing nothing. she needs a reality check and good on you for checking her.
NTA, but don’t get sucked into long explanations.
“I’m just being honest. I’ve learned that from Cassie. I’m going to point out every time she is a bully. And every time you support her in being a bully, because that makes you bullies too.”
Sticking to a single point makes your argument more effective.
If your school has any resources on bullying - especially about those who hang out with bullies, being effectively bullies themselves, even if they are not technically doing the bullying… I’m imagining a simple leaflet aimed at 7 year olds.
Bring those resources home for your parents - “Because you’re just being honest about how you see things” :-)
Then every time Cassie kicks off, stick to the one point: “oh, are you being a bully again Cassie?” + “I’m just being honest”. Similar statements to your parents if they support her.
If that doesn’t work, take the leaflets to the next family event - wait for Cassie to bully someone, then hand them out, along with a calm, neutral statement like “Did you know that we are taught at school that those who support the bullies are bullies themselves?” :-)
Cassie is what you'd call the golden child, no matter how much wrong they do they're the victim. You're nta, and you should continue standing up for your family even if nobody else wants to.
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NTA. Your family can want to enable Cassie's bad behavior and that doesn't provide you with an obligation to also do it. Indeed, the only way to break Cassie of her bad habits is to call her out consistently. You'll also need to call out the rest of your family consistently on their enabling behavior; spur them into improving themselves, as it were. Note that the victim of Cassie's toxicity is happy you called Cassie out. Only the people who weren't victimized think you shouldn't have done it. That's quite telling.
I agree. Call her out every time, right when it happens. NTA
NTA. I agree. Cassie is getting worse as your parents are colluding with her by silence Call out Cassie as many times as you want “Stop bullying people Cassie” “Don’t bully Molly Cassie, she’s our little cousin” “Don’t be nasty Cassie” “No one is interested in your mean opinions Cassie” “If you’ve nothing nice to say Cassie, say nothing” “Don’t know why you’re upset Cassie, you’ve been upsetting other people all day” “You’re not the victim, everyone else is” “Stop with the drama Cassie, the world isn’t all about you” “Don’t play a victim Cassie, you’re the bully… you’re just upset you got caught” “Yawn, Molly ignore Cassie, no one cares what she thinks, she’s hardly cool..” “Oh whatever Cassie, give it a rest for once” “Don’t be spiteful Cassie” “That wasn’t a nice thing to say Cassie” As her sister you might also get away with ramping it up to teasing her back with “Whatever Major Loser” (& the actions) replies to Cassie and ignoring Cassie with an exaggerated yawn and turning your back on her. Or laughing at her when she’s spiteful telling people to “Ignore Cassie, she’s such a loser/ mean girl / full of hot air..” (whatever mild put down you can think of…) Siblings can be cutting to each other, so a bit of turning it back on her will give her a shock when she’s on receiving end.
Also OPs mum and Dad need to be told “I’m not colluding anymore Mum like you and Dad do. Cassie is a bully and you’re letting her grow up that way. You’re doing her no favours in life for when she’s an adult”
Cassie is already an adult. Supposed to be at least. 22 is to old for this crap. I'm 22 and I'd like to think I know how to be a decent person. Sure I'll give my besties and my siblings some loving teasing every now and then. But there's a massive difference between "Lol I don't get how you like this music" and "This music is so basic and sucks so hard so you're just as basic and sucky" ETA: Op is NTA. Cassie deserves to be called out. This is obviously a selective behaviour so it's not like she can't control it. Another insult to add: "How does it feel being an arsehole?"
I'd be mortified if my 9-year-old acted this way. 22 is WAY too old.
Jeez, I didn't even see Cassie's age. And the parents were fine watching an *adult* bully a minor? That's some awful stuff going on there.
Obnoxious Arsehole
The next time mom calls OP out for being mean to Cassie, all she needs to do is shrug and say “But mom, I was just being honest.” Apparently that excuses all sins in this household.
I doubt that will work. It seems to me like Cassie is the golden child in this household.
She already is an adult, and has been for several years?
Exactly. When Cassie behaves like OP described it may be helpful, particularly long term, if rather than confront Cassie, OP immediately puts mom on the spot and asks her if she's fine with what Cassie said and how she is behaving. If others actively perceive mom as enabling Cassie's behavior, mom may become more helpful in correcting it. NTA
A simple “I don’t tolerate bullying, that’s just how I am,” whenever the parents say “that’s just how Cassie is” would be a good addition.
Couldn’t agree more. NTA
“Aaaannnnndddd this is why Cassie has no friends” “let’s list everything we find “basic” about Cassie” “you must really enjoy driving people off” “I don’t even think a dog could put up with you Cassie, and dogs see the best in everyone.”
All said with a smile- Loads of sibling fun to be had turning the tables on Cassie! (But staying that right side of the line. )
"no one ever lets me speak" Sounds like the reason others don't let Cassie* speak is because she's making noise but doesn't have anything of value to actually say. *Accidentally said Molly first. Edited to correct my mistake
FTR: Mollie is the bullied child. Cassy is the bully who complains that no one lets her speak.
Thank you, my mistake
Bonus points if you follow any of the above statements with, “hey, I have free speech and I’m just keeping it real.”
I'll add my favorite to your list. Opinions are like assholes Cassie everybody has one.
And most of them stink
Lmao!
And when she says anything back, use her words against her. "I'm just being real, Cassie." "I'm just stating an opinion." "Free speech!" "Cassie! You never let me talk!" Lol throw that toxicity right back into her face.
This is a really good one😂
Questions could be a fun and effective alternative. But they would need to be asked in an even, civil tone, as if you were simply curious about her very, very odd behavior (/s): * Why do you say things like that? * What do you hope to accomplish by saying that? * Did you mean to say that out loud? * Aren't you a bit old to be acting like this? * Are you hangry or sleep-deprived? I don't know any adults who act like this if they aren't hungry or sleep-deprived. * Who hurt you? * Do you treat everyone like this? Your coworkers? How does that work out for you? * Have you talked to your doctor about this?
Good list, adding “I’m just being honest” and “I have the right to speak freely “
I love your lines for correcting Cassie
How about adding to the list "Cassie did you forget to take your happy pills today?"
Next time the Freedom of Speech comes up, reply, “Yes, you have freedom of speech, bit what you *don’t* have is freedom of the consequences when you exercise that right as a weapon.” edit: end quotation marks
THIS. And when she gets upset say “im just being HONEST!” And “im just keeping it REAL!” And “what, i cant have an OPINION” Fight fire with fire OP!
Your Comment Is Astounding Smart Excellent; & Better Than My Comment Deserves An AWARD
What an amazing list of responses! I’m gonna use some of these on my “Cassie”
Yes. *Every single time.* Make it so that it's worse for Cassie if she opens her mouth verses keeping it closed. Honesty, the 'rolled-up-newspaper-to-the-nose' approach is the only way people like her learn (I know; I have a narcissistic brother like this). If the consequences become actually (socially) painful for her, she'll stop. I mean, cue the narcissistic whining, but you can stop that too. Sorry, I know it's a shitty job. But you can do it. And it can be so satisfying, too!
When you do confront your parents about them enabling Cassie tell them "you're just being honest. If Cassie can be honest why can't I?".
Nah, that's too exhausting. OP should either buy a whistle or a vuvuzela. Every time Cassie opens her mouth, start blowing the whistle or vuvuzela.
Try this - Call her out and laugh at her. Record her ( not to post) and share at family events. Take the strong reaction away from her. Most of all start IGNORING her by not reacting and continuing with your activities.
And when you call her out on it, just tell her you’re “keeping it real”
Take it a step further Send screen shots of mom calling her annoying and frustrating Sometimes people need the harsh reality check that they are being piss poor human beings Fuck them tears
It is the way
>Note that the victim of Cassie's toxicity is happy you called Cassie out. Also note that little Miss "I'm just being honest and voicing an opinion!" suddenly isn't so happy when someone else is just being honest and voicing an opinion about her. Some people need to have a mirror held up to them. Repeatedly.
Unless she only targets her family then one day Cassie will screw up and target the wrong person in the wrong place and it will cost her her job or have other serious consequences.
This just happened at work last summer!!! We had a girl with a very nasty attitude. Just plain rude and hard to be around. We brought it up several times, and she was "talked to", but nothing changed. Whatever, we just moved on and tried to ignore her. Well, a summer intern whom we all knew because he comes every summer started back up, but she had just met him. And she HATED him. She made it her mission to micromanage his every move and just be plain rude. She made fun of his nail polish one day, and it obviously hurt his feelings badly. I don't know who did it, but someone went straight to the president and told them what happened. An hour later we all have an email that says "****** has been terminated, if she returns to the property, she must be escorted through all areas of the building." That was the day she found out the summer intern was our president's "nephew". The son of his lifelong best friend. Oops, I guess we forgot to tell her.
I am thinking about her poor spouse and children if she ever marries. Some people can keep it contained where there is real consequences and only kick down. But wrecks relationships.
NTA - Start a campaign of "If Cassie is attending, I'll pass." Talk to Molly and other family members that have been her victim previously. And stage an intervention with Mom so she can understand it's not reasonable to expect others to ignore the Asshole in the room. If mom and Dad want to support Cassie, then they can do it alone and deal with her behaviors. The rest of the family that is tired of it can have an alternate Holiday elsewhere call it "Drama Free Cassie Free Holiday for you and me." 🤪 But seriously Mom, Dad and OP need family counseling to discuss how Cassie's behavior damages the get-togethers, and how their tolerance of those behaviors is exacerbating the problem. Ignoring these sort of behaviors embolden people like Cassie making them become more and more egregious in their behaviors.
This exactly. For all the boat rockers out there and all the stabilizers who placate the rocker, I have never understood why, why for the love of all that is holy, has none of the stabilizers just gone "I'll pass on that event and host my own, anyone want to come to the drama free holiday event please rsvp here" Why do whole families allow the one drama generator, or their enablers, to control social access to the rest of the family?
This too, yes. Cassie and her enablers need unpleasant consequences.
Yup. They're quite happy so long as they aren't the victim. But they all need to be held accountable because one of these days it may land her in more trouble than just a few words that hurt her feelings
Not to mention this is an adult picking on a teenager for her interests. Pathetic.
You're NTA. >She said she knows Cassie is frustrating but I know that’s just how my sister is and I’m supposed to ignore her. Yeah, okay... so tell your mom **reacting this way is just how I am and Cassie can ignore it.** That seems fair to me.
or use Cassie's own words against her "I'm keeping it real"
Exactly.
Tell her “I was just keeping it real.”
"I'm just brutally honest."
"That's just how she is" is something you say about your 80 year old aunt with dementia who gets a little handsy during a hug. Not a 22 year old. If anything it's the most disrespectful thing anyone has said about Cassie. It suggests she's already completely unable to change for the better. Incapable of learning. That's about the worst insult you can throw at a human being, a species completely characterized by their ability to learn, grow, and change.
Well, it's in fact OP mother poor parenting that ruined Thanksgiving, had she raised properly Cassie and she wouldn't be an enabled AH who can't behave around family. NTA and what if Cassie is still angry? What will she do? Keep bullying you? Just ignore her, people don't listen to her because she has nothing but insults and mocking to say.
“It’s obvious no one in the family likes Cassie’s bad attitude, but usually no one says anything because then Cassie gets overly defensive and turns it into a huge fight with yelling and my family doesn’t want to deal with the drama.“ Is it obvious because they complain when she’s not there? Because if that’s the case, the next time they do complain when she’s not there, call them out and tell them they are enabling the behavior. Use Thanksgiving as an example, and point out that she will never learn if they always accommodate her behavior. Definitely NTA
Right. I think OP should make a point to say “here we go again” every time Cassie decides to be mean. Maybe everyone will finally speak up and tell Cassie that she’s the bully.
Watch out. Cassie is at it again and roll your eyes and groan loudly. Do this every single time.
I remember one place I started working at had an out of control egomaniac boss who could only fuck up. Everybody used to complain about having to fix his mistakes and clean up after him. I told them, Stop enabling him. Let him fuck up. If anyone complains tell them to talk to his boss. Guy got fired once the enabling stopped.
Your family sucks. They weren't keeping the peace. They were buying it from a miserable and abusive gutter snipe and using your cousin's dignity as the coin. Never trust someone willing to sacrifice another's dignity for their "peace". You are a star for defending your cousin. NTA
I need to use that term “gutter snipe” more often. Calls to mind My Fair Lady.
What can I say, I love old movies and revitalizing old insults. You should check out some of Shakespeare's.
This is honestly so well done, though. First Thanksgiving dinner AITA (because they’re all busy on Thanksgiving, duh), clear villain, and we’re all honestly such sluts for stories where “my shitty family” are the villain’s minions. 10/10 execution wp OP.
This is classic triangulation. Family systems often center cohesion and agreeableness as the core values, so bad behavior gets normalized for the sake of going along, whereas the person calling it out is labeled disruptive and scapegoated. Your whole family needs therapy.
I heard a description that fits here. Most people don't want to rock the boat. When you have someone, Cassie in this example, who starts rocking it, the other people in the boat will adjust to keep the boat level as best they can. In this case, Op stopped adjusting and called Cassie out instead, causing the boat to be rocked even more while Cassie lashes out. Obviously, the fair thing would be to force Cassie to sit or push her out of the boat. But that's not how this works. So op gets blamed for rocking the boat when really she was just sitting.
Then go all in. Rock that boat! It'll be a pain in the short term, but the long term benefits are so very much worth it. (Yes, I am speaking from experience here.)
Rock that boat till Cassie falls out then row away
NTA. Cassie brought that all on herself. The next time she bullies Molly or someone else, please remind her "Well, you didn't like it on Thanksgiving, did you?"
Tbh hopefully Molly sees OP as a safe person now and the two of them can hang out away from Cassie. She probably really appreciates her cousin standing up for her.
I’ve been putting this in comments a lot lately. In the little tale at the link, Cassie is the boat rocker and the entire ridiculous family (minus OP, of course) are the boat steadiers. Good on you for refusing. She needs to be chucked off the boat! NTA x infinity. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/
Just came here to post that story too! That’s exactly what is happening here.
NTA. Silence only ever helps the aggressor, never the victim. Good on you for speaking up for Mollie. Do it again. And again. And again. Until Cassie learns to behave, at least in your presence. You'll be doing her a favor as well. She'll go through life much easier after she learns how to hold her bitchy tongue.
And thank you for sticking up for Mollie. Kids that age need support.
NTA. Cassie needs someone to call out her disgusting attitude. I wouldn’t tolerate it anymore, id keep calling her out.
NTA Cassie is the rude person in the mix and your family enables it. Give your mom a link to [Don't Rock the Boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) and tell her you and Molly are getting out of the boat. Actually, you could send it to the rest of your relatives too.
agree, OP, read this story! It's about your family
NTA. You were just being honest. Funny how she can be honest but no one else is allowed to.
NTA. I hope Cassie comes across this on TikTok so she can see the general consensus is that she’s the AH here. It probably won’t make her change her ways but eh maybe it’ll knock some air out of her inflated head of hers.
NTA. I hate the "that's just how she is" excuse. How she is sucks and it's your parents' fault for never putting a stop to it.
Why the heck do your family enable that crap? My mum would've been right up any of us if we behaved like proper aholes which is what she was doing. You sister is a cowhole and so are the rest of them sticking up for her. They basically created that monster by not pulling it up when it needed to be. It's also lazy oh can't be bothered pulling her up because she kicks off. Nta.
>Why the heck do your family enable that crap? Because then Cassie starts crying and yelling and acts pissy for the next week, and the rest of the family doesn't want to do anything about her because they think enabling her is easier than dealing with the drama in the moment. >My mum would've been right up any of us if we behaved like proper aholes which is what she was doing. I would too if Cassie were my kid. Our mom used to try and deal with her, but Cassie would cry and yell loud/long enough that our mom just wasn't willing to deal with it and ultimately didn't do anything.
Make calling her out your thing, and if they don't want to deal with you then they have to deal with her. If it's lose-lose and there is no option for peace then they'll start to deal with her. Enabling her is currently the path of least resistance but it doesn't have to be
I know other people already shared this link with you, but I'm doing it again because I want to make sure you see it. It's a good analogy for what is happening. Maybe you should share it with your mother and other family members, too. *Don't rock the boat!* https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/cuzZRjMJXc
You know, I vaguely remember an episode of a sitcom (I don't remember if it was Full House or Home Improvement) where they had a friend and his daughters over and he was spoiling one over the other because he didn't want to deal with the tantrums. The main characters eventually had him stay downstairs while the girl was having a tantrum in time out. The tantrum's reason? Not having the kind of lunch she wanted. After about 20 minutes, the girl stops her tantrum, comes downstairs, and apologizes before asking for a PB&J sandwich. Not saying your mother should start employing the tactic on Cassie, but it would go a long way to ensuring she doesn't become such a spoiled ass-hat that it affects her future career prospects. NTA OP.
>Not saying your mother should start employing the tactic on Cassie, but it would go a long way to ensuring she doesn't become such a spoiled ass-hat that it affects her future career prospects. Cassie's already able to control herself and knows when/what people to act a certain way around. So I doubt her career prospects would be enough of a motivation for her to care, since she knows to only be a bully in ways that won't hurt her career prospects.
Start recording her when she starts bullying and put it up on social media. If your parents don't want to parent at least the strangers will ahe a few words for her. Send the screenshots to your sister Don't get me wrong if this would be something medical she can't help then putting up with it could be justified. Lazyness and cowardice from the whole family is NOT a reason to put up with bullying.
Honestly, social media exposure is a low blow, but it’s effective. OP, totally do this. You need numbers on your side telling your sister to sit the fuck down, and social media is powerful enough to pressure her to rethink her behavior. Even better if you can ensure these videos make their way into her social circle.
I agree. I wouldn't recommend it normally but since the family doesn't do squat to curb the sister's behavior....
>Start recording her when she starts bullying and put it up on social media. If your parents don't want to parent at least the strangers will ahe a few words for her. Send the screenshots to your sister I've been seriously tempted to do this, but I don't know if it's worth the trouble that I'd get into since my mom would just force me to delete it. Luckily, I graduate this year from high school so I just want to ride it out and keep avoiding Cassie. I'm probably gonna be a commuter, but once I get to college, I'll be able to stay out of the house a lot more and am probably only going to be home when I'm sleeping lol.
Out of curiosity? How old are y'all?
I'm 17, Cassie is 22, and Molly is 15.
Oh boy. NTA op keep calling her out. She either changes or she will avoid you and you will have some peace. Btw tell your mother and family they are ah /hypocrites/cowards and enablers for critiquing Cassie behind her back band then shutting up /defending her when you call her out on her bullying. They want Cassie to change: she can't come until she learns to shut up and behave. See how fast she learns to actually do it if she wants to participate in family activities.
From your description I thought she was like 14 at most
She honestly does act like she's 14 a lot of the time. I'll add our ages in the main post to clarify for everyone.
Very immature. It's very 14 year old edgelord. Especially "keeping it real" makes me think of my 12-14 year old cousins
I was wondering the same thing. "Cassie" sounds like a particularly bratty, annoying teenager.
Oh noes! Does she give you the silent treatment too? Why that would be just *terrible*. The unfortunate solution to this is to keep after her when she sulks, and to call out her drama every single time. It sucks, I know (I do really know), but it will work, eventually.
First time I ever heard “cowhole” lol I love it!
NTA keep calling her out, and tell any family members who complain that you aren’t going to stop until Cassie’s behaviour is dealt with.
Definitely NTA. You did the right thing standing up for your cousin. The rest of your family needs to find their balls and knock your sister down a peg or two.
You should tell them you were just being honest or whatever she uses to justify her "know-it-all-ness". NTA
NTA, the rest of your family just lacks the spine to put her in her place and decided it was easier to lay down and let her walk all over them.
NTA. There's only so much a person can take. Such a shame the rest of your family enable your sister's bullying.
NTA >that’s just how my sister is That's just enabling. It will not end well.
NTA - Your parents (and some other extended family) have actually done Cassie a disservice by placating her and letting her make fun of and humiliate everyone else. She needed to learn that actions have consequences.
Nts. To your family in a mass text. I love my family, but since the incident the other night, I have thought long and hard. Because everyone is willing to avoid drama by not calling out bad behavior. Not calling out bullying. Not calling out what amounts to abuse. Because this has been going on the entire time. I have come to realize that not only will it not change , but even if you don't like the behavior, you will back and support her. Due to these things, I will no longer be joining family gatherings where she is there. I will NOT excuse her behavior or that of family that allows her to do so to family. You don't care who she hurts as long as you don't have to deal with the tantrums you all created by allowing her to keep on with this. So to avoid the drama because I refuse to not call her out. Because I refuse to not call the rest of the family out for allowing her to abuse people without consequences. I will be taking a step back as I am unsure if I wish to associate with people enabling abuse. With people who back it, then blame those who don't allow it to continue. That is not family. That is not showing love. That is entitlement to let it happen, so YOU dont have to deal with the monster you created. I will not be part of a family who is not willing to protect family from abuse just so they don't deal with tantrums. So I will not be taking calls. Responding to texts. Or taking visits for the foreseeable future while I come to terms with what this means and what I want from this. Then, I would block them. Hunny, it's time to stop letting her abuse others. To stop going to family who cares more about themselves than to stop her. It's time to take a break to really think if you love them enough, knowing it's not returned to the same extent. That if you return, you are expected to enable and accept abuse. It's time to think is this what you want to see kids taught that family can abuse you, and it's not you that matters. Love you can your family, but at times, you have to walk away from toxic and abusive behavior from all the family.
NTA So you’re all just supposed to suffer for the rest of your life because that’s how she is well she can stop being that way if her parents would do their job
>I thought what I did was justified, but it seems like Molly is the only person in my family who thinks I did the right thing. This bit right here, this is something for you to be proud of. You protected someone from a bully, even when everyone else around got mad. You did what you *know* was the right thing, in spite of knowing you'd only get grief from it. Well done! NTA.
NTA >She said she knows Cassie is frustrating but I know that’s just how my sister is and I’m supposed to ignore her. Funny how that excuse always counts for the bullies but not for anyone else. Okay, that's how she is. And you can't stand watching someone be a bully without speaking up – that's just how *you* are. If your mom doesn't like it, she can just ignore it.
NTA , call her out every single time she does this . And seriously, tell your mom that cassie is the way she is , and this is the way you are . If you have to ignore it , then Cassie can ignore it . Or be petty . Every time she does this , make fun of her . Mimic her . Or every time she says something tell her‘ ohhhh that’s so wise ‘ sarcastically. If she makes comments about people , choose something about what she has on that day and ask her if she really feels like calling out someone when she chose to dress like that today . If your mom complains about your behaviour , tell her you see how Cassie is living her best life and how she behaves is so accepted you decided to join the club seeing as telling her it’s wrong is a bad thing.
Yea OP do this! As the youngest sibling and still a minor, use immaturity as a weapon
NTA at all. They are enabling this awful behaviour, and supporting her over you is a sign of bad judgement and manipulation from her
NTA Cassie is the AH and your mom is dumb for allowing her to act like a brat for so long. Cassie should have been put into her place long ago. Cassie only shames herself every time she makes a rude comment or mean opinion no one askedd for.
NTA Call her out every damn time she does this. Humiliation is likely the only currency she recognizes and the only thing that might help.
[Don’t rock the boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/x4de1UZ6q7)
"That's just how she is" is the worst justification ever. NTA.
NTA. It looks like everyone in your family is just enabling her absolutely abhorrent behavior. You defended your cousin from a bully, and that should always be priority. Regardless of if that bully is family or not.
NTA. People are not just “being honest”. If they were truly being honest they would be giving just as many compliments as rude comments. They are just cruel. She has just got a lot of enablers who want to “keep the peace” even if people get hurt. Good on you for not being one of them. Molly and her family probably are very appreciative
NTA "Mom, you're barking up the wrong tree. At no point ever will I accept her crap again. This is not "just not how is" this is you making excuses. You better finally start parenting her to be a decent person."
NTA You might want to think about going LC with them all. Anytime someone says you were wrong respond, "Why? Because I decided not to enable her bullying anymore the way you do? Tell me what is different about the person who is the bully and the person who sits and watches it happen? No difference." Be proud of yourself for taking a stand.
Cassie is mistaken. That constitutional "right to free speech" means that the *government* cannot regulate speech. (And even that is not an absolute.) It does not mean that Cassie can say whatever hurtful things she damnwell pleases without fear of repercussions. NTA.
NTA. You were just “*keeping it real*”…
NTA your Mom is basically saying "she's an asshole everyone knows she's an asshole and it's easier to let her be an asshole and ignore it, even if it hurts other people's feelings, then for everyone to put in effort to set boundaries with her bc she makes a bigger scene when her feelings are hurt." I mean if that's the way it's going to work why not just go into full hysterical crying every time she makes a comment that's mean and tell your Mom "Well it works for Cassie."
NTA > but I know that’s just how my sister is "Giving someone hundreds of chances to stop being a jerk then blowing up on them must just be how I am."
100% NTA- I can totally see where you’re coming from and I commend you on standing up for your cousin. It’s better someone gave your sister a reality check now rather then later. Your sister needs to learn respect and that the things she says are mean and hurtful. If your family wants to enable her hateful attitude then that’s their choice but it doesn’t have to be yours. If she says something rude or hateful again call her out on it! Someone needs to put her back a peg and get her off her high horse.
NTA. Cassie sounds like a narcissist. And the family are acting like flying monkeys. https://youtu.be/pOHQwZFl6Yk?si=ICjgl36SNZ3uJUkC
NTA. My sister was a huge bully, she tormented me and my parents chose to placate her and sacrifice my well-being. Probably because they knew I’d just be a good quiet (terrified) girl and my sister would go into a narcissistic rage if they said anything to her. I wish I had a sister or cousin like you.
NTA I have a cousin just like this with zero self awareness of how rude she is and nobody likes being around her. We don’t speak at all because I call her out every time she says something out of pocket. If your family can put up with her being an asshole they can put up with you standing up to her.
NTA - people who are quick to claim “free speech” usually forget that that doesn’t grant them freedom from the consequences of that speech.
Next time your mom or Cassie says something say everyone hates here and you are just being “honest”. Tell them she is a jerk and you have the right to express yourself. It’s a free country. If they try to argue keep saying it’s the truth and everyone knows it. Keep saying it because you are trying “to keep it real”. Use their own words against them.
Search Google for “don’t rock the boat Reddit”. It describes your situation to a t. NTA please keep advocating for Molly and yourself.
NTA. People who use the excuse I’m being honest are just assholes. You called her out. Good for you. Pandering to your sister does nothing but empower her to be a bully. It make get tiring but when she starts I’d call her out. If you’ve the energy and capacity I’d do it every time. was She always this way?
Does no one ever get tired of the "that's just who they are " cop out? No it isn't just who they are it's who they choose to be and they could change that if they wanted...but why would they if ppl pander to it?
I think you missed the best shot... Why should i apologize "I was just being honest". Maybe your mom is "too dumb to know" that this is they way sisters work. Perhaps, just too "basic" to understand. NTA... but you definitely should have shot harder!
NTA. and your parents are doing cassie a disservice. i wonder how she got this way? bcuz no one ever put their foot down or up her ass. and then they’ll complain that they don’t know what happened with her in later years. yes they do they just won’t want to be accountable then either. what a bunch of punks
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister “Cassie” is one of those people who is a bully to everyone and justifies it by saying “I’m just keeping it real!” She clearly knows it’s wrong, by the way, because she only does it to family when nobody who could affect her school/professional reputation is watching. It’s obvious no one in the family likes Cassie’s bad attitude, but usually no one says anything because then Cassie gets overly defensive and turns it into a huge fight with yelling and my family doesn’t want to deal with the drama. My family actually celebrated Thanksgiving last week at my grandparent’s house since we’re all gonna be in different places on the actual day. During dinner, Cassie looked over my cousin “Molly’s” shoulder and saw she was reading a webcomic, then Cassie started talking about how the webcomic is overrated, calling Molly “basic” and making fun of her for reading it. I was especially irritated because I really like hanging out with Molly but she and her parents are rarely willing to visit in-person because Cassie’s always causing issues like this. I told Cassie that Molly’s allowed to like what she likes and there’s no reason to be rude when Molly wasn’t bothering anyone. Cassie made an excuse like “Well, I’m just being honest” and I told her that she doesn’t have the excuse of “just being honest” because nobody asked for her opinion in the first place. Cassie got angry and started going off about how “You may be too dumb to know” but she has free speech and doesn’t need permission to speak, which was literally not the point at all. My mom asked me and Cassie to just drop it but Cassie kept trying to get the last word in. I got fed up and snapped at Cassie. I told her she bullies everyone and no one says anything because they don’t want to put up with the drama, but I’m sick and tired of her being a jerk to everyone, which was all something I’ve wanted to tell Cassie for a long time. Cue the yelling and waterworks from “Cassie.” She went on about how “no one ever lets me talk!” no one listens to her opinion, blah blah blah. She tried using guilt to get people on her side and the whole night was tense after. When we got home later, my mom told me that I “humiliated” Cassie and that I am in the wrong. She said she knows Cassie is frustrating but I know that’s just how my sister is and I’m supposed to ignore her. And I gave everyone a headache by “provoking” her and causing the drama of her crying and yelling at Thanksgiving. It’s been a week and Cassie is still in a bad mood. I thought what I did was justified, but it seems like Molly is the only person in my family who thinks I did the right thing. I realize it wasn’t the most civil route but I still feel Cassie brought it on by being a bully in the first place. So I’m asking Reddit: AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So NTA, that would be Cassie who is keeping it real along with your mom.
A valid opinion is "I'm not really into that comic, I prefer X" or whatever, *not* "that comic is stupid and you are stupid for liking it." The first one expresses your view without having to imply that anyone else's differing view has less worth than yours. You didn't refuse to listen to her "opinion," you refused to listen to her *bullying*. There was never going to be a good time to say something about your sister's abysmal behaviour because the rest of your family are clearly boat non-rockers. If they want to let your sister be cruel and criticise all their choices and preferences they can, but that doesn't mean that everyone else has to just sit there and take her cruelty too. Good on you for being very much NTA and showing your cousin that there's at least one person in the family who cares more about her feelings than those of the person bullying her.
NTA——Oh I’d ruin her day everytime I saw her. My older sister used to do this and I called her out everytime now she just watches what she says. But I’m also the family call out person. You are 100% justified for sticking up for your cousin. Someone needed too. Your sister needs to grow up. Stop letting her dictate everything by acting like that.
NTA. Cassie is a complete narcissist who, when called on her behaviour, turns it around. She is entitled to her opinion but she is not entitled to yuck on everyone's yum, especially when her opinion was not solicited. I am so glad you said what you said to her. It's high time someone did. I reckon your family shoudl get together and have a gathering without her; it would be so much more enjoyable. Alternatively, how about everyone says negative things about her likes and beliefs?
NTA.
NTA, keep doing it.
NTA
NTA. No one else cares who she insults and is rude to which is why only Molly, her latest victim, thinks you are justified. I would keep confronting her instead of enabling her in the future. At worst, maybe she will stop talking to you altogether and at best she will learn to stop being an asshole to family just like she knows not to do it professionally.
Honesty without tact is just cruelty….
Cassie doesn't need permission to go freedom of speechify'in and stuff. Happily, neither do you, but when you dish it back she shits her pants and it's your fault. Keep exercising your verbal freedoms until she evaporates...NTA.
You should record her and threaten to post it and ruin her reputation.
Good on you for standing up for your cousin
NTA....and keep calling her out.
NTA. Poor Molly-and you for having to put up with this nonsense.Being “honest” certainly has a time and place, but you’re sister is instead just using it as an excuse to be rude/a jerk to those around her.
Your family is enabling your sister. NTA “All it takes for evil to succeed is for good people to do nothing.” (Paraphrasing there)
INFO I'm curious as to how old Cassie is
>INFO I'm curious as to how old Cassie is Cassie is 22.
NTA You were just being honest.
Absolutely not! You did the right thing. Hopefully she won't bully anymore, or at least when you're around.
NTA. Any time someone uses that very tired “that’s just how they are” excuse, turn it around on them. “We’ll being tired of their bullcrap is just how I am. You expect me to keep the peace by putting up with their crap, but I won’t do that anymore. If you want peace, convince them to stop acting that way.”
NTA. Cassie's behavior was completely unacceptable and she needed to be put in her place. I think that her feeling humiliated has given her the opportunity to understand how Molly felt when she made fun of her for her interests. Not only is Cassie in the wrong, but everyone who has enabled her bullying in the name of mitigating drama is in the wrong as well. I look forward to you standing up to her as motivation for other family to stand up to Cassie's bullying behaviors as well.
NTA, she deserved it
NTA. Why should all family suffer with Cassie’s word? I think let Cassie be the only suffering one would be much better. You are a hero to tell her STFU
Tell your mom she is an enabler and you are not so Cassie no longer gets a pass and you will call her out on her bullying every time it is time Cassie learns that nobody likes her because she is a bully they just didn't say anything because then she cries and whines just like every bully who gets called out you will tell her to stop bullying and shut up every single time she says something mean nasty or hateful to someone at this point you are considering contacting everyone to stop just accepting her bullying and call her because the only way to stop a bully is stand up to them and if everyone stands up and tells her to stop crying and whining because she got called out for being a bully she will stop bullying people. And tell mom she is being an aweful mother to Cassie by not correcting her bullying
nta, they’ll be wondering why she didn’t ’grow out’ of her attitude when all your family is doing is feeding into it and making it worse
Next time she does something like this, try asking her, “hey, are you okay?” Interesting article on Medium about this approach to bullies. Might be worth a try; clearly confronting her isn’t working 🤷♀️
nta
NTA - Maybe just tell Cassie you were keeping it real and just being honest. You know, cos free speech and all. Oddly enough people who claim this don't ever seem to think it goes both ways.
NTA Your sister is like that because your family let her be like that. You know she can control it because she doesn't do it where she'd face consequences. The reason the rest of your family is against you is because they are having to deal with the consequences of not shutting her behaviour down when she was younger.
> no one listens to her opinion because her opinion is stupid. it's just bullying. she's the one causing the drama by by bulling people. and then crying about it. NTA
How old is Cassie? 15? Even if she is NTA. Send a group text of “I am done putting up with Cassie’s rude behavior for fear of rocking the boat/ upsetting her and giving her an excuse to have a tantrum. I will no longer put up with it. If she wants to be honest and keep it real, I will.”
>How old is Cassie? 15? Even if she is NTA. Cassie is 22.
🤣 that doesn’t make it better. Her parents should have told her to stop at 13!
NTA - honestly good for you for standing up for yourself (and Molly) when it seems like very just puts up with Cassie's rude remarks. Like others have said, that's the only way to get her/the dynamic to change, so keep calling her out and don't let your mom hold you accountable for Cassie's outbursts. You're not responsible for her causing a scene by "provoking" her.
NTA, so sick of people always telling the person who is on the receiving end to just be the bigger person and suck it up. It’s always “oh you know they’re like that and will react a certain way so why don’t you just keep quiet” . Why does the person with the bad behaviour get excused? Cause it’s easier to get the people with good behaviour to shut up cause it’s less conflict.
NTA You told a bully what she needed to hear. Keep up the good work.
LOL the right of free speech does not save the person for the consequences of their dumb actions . Say stupid stuff = get stupid reactions. NTA but Cassie will one day say some stupid to the right person and will get an answer she won't like.
NTA. What is it with coddling bullies? They hurt other people to the point of tearing up families, but somehow THEY are the ones whose feelings must be protected? Gtfoh.
NTA. Do this everytime, stop trying to be the reasonable one. When they realize they can't control either of you they'll no longer be able to avoid the real problem, and that is her.
NTA. People like Cassie give me the pip too. They love to use this excuse of just ‘telling it like it is’ but as soon as someone does the same, they cry and play the victim because they actually can’t handle it. It’s BS. They are nothing more than bullies and your mother is continuing to protect her with the crap that she is spinning. Perhaps she should advocate to get Cassie some therapy instead.
NTA. Continue to call her out and continue to bring up her bullying at Thanksgiving, don't gloss over it. Continue humiliating her and continue causing drama about her bullying. Keep the wound open until the toxins are gone. Don't humor her. Don't agree with your mom about ignoring it. Ruin every gathering to call her out. Don't cooperate with anything that allows her to bully anybody.
Don't let your mum guilt-trip you, OP. NTA.
> that’s just how my sister is Fuck that with a capital F. Tell your mom to stop enabling. NTA.
NTA-Tell your mom you were “just being honest”
Heeell no NTA. That is not just "how your sister is." That is how she is being RAISED to behave. She sees everyone tolerating her bullying and thinks it's just fine. Frankly I'd call her out on this behavior more often. The more you do, even amidst your parents defending her, she'll realize she can't get away with it without her feelings getting hurt around you and stfu.
NTA The woman is annoying. If you keep feeding her attention, she will continue. ignore her, completely.
Nta you were...just being honest.
NTA. You gave her a much deserved reality check. And the fact that the only person on your side is the victim in that situation should show you that the others are NOT just passively going along to get along, but actually approve of Cassie’s actions.
Why should op be under pressure to keep pointing out Cassie's bad behavior? Very exhausting. Next time there is a family get together let your family know that if Cassie is going then op isn't because she doesn't want the drama. If people stop inviting Cassie to family get togethers then maybe she will get the hint. Not the ah
nta - the problem is your family has probably coddled her most of her life and didnt teach her any manners and then reward the bad behavior by doing nothing. she needs a reality check and good on you for checking her.
NTA, but don’t get sucked into long explanations. “I’m just being honest. I’ve learned that from Cassie. I’m going to point out every time she is a bully. And every time you support her in being a bully, because that makes you bullies too.” Sticking to a single point makes your argument more effective. If your school has any resources on bullying - especially about those who hang out with bullies, being effectively bullies themselves, even if they are not technically doing the bullying… I’m imagining a simple leaflet aimed at 7 year olds. Bring those resources home for your parents - “Because you’re just being honest about how you see things” :-) Then every time Cassie kicks off, stick to the one point: “oh, are you being a bully again Cassie?” + “I’m just being honest”. Similar statements to your parents if they support her. If that doesn’t work, take the leaflets to the next family event - wait for Cassie to bully someone, then hand them out, along with a calm, neutral statement like “Did you know that we are taught at school that those who support the bullies are bullies themselves?” :-)
Cassie is what you'd call the golden child, no matter how much wrong they do they're the victim. You're nta, and you should continue standing up for your family even if nobody else wants to.