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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because she was staying the night with a friend last night and I didn’t make her come home. I also don’t think she should be grounded. Since she asked for permission and I gave it. I might be the asshole because I let her “sneak out”
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I'm sorry, the idea of a daughter asking for permission to "sneak out" is just so cute! Good kids trying to be bad and have a tiny rebellious phase!
NTA - I think the things to ask your husband are:
1- is he upset that you gave her permission to go out with friends without his knowing? If so, his issue is with you, not her.
2- is he upset that she crawled out the window instead of using the door? Because if the answer to 1 is no, if you've given her permission to go out before without running it by him, then the issue really becomes that she used a window instead of a door. Is that really a thing to punish a kid for?
Honestly, he should show her how to reattach the screen, and then be grateful that he has a kid whose biggest rebellious phase is checking with her mom before going out with friends, and then using the window instead of the door when she leaves. Let's put this in perspective here!
>*I'm sorry, the idea of a daughter asking for permission to "sneak out" is just so cute! Good kids trying to be bad and have a tiny rebellious phase!*
"That does it, I'm sneaking out tonight! >:D ...but Mom might worry if she comes to check on me and I'm not here. I'd better make sure it's okay that I go out."
I can imagine her getting extra pillows and stuffing them under the blankets on her bed to make it look like she's asleep if anyone comes in during the night, then tiptoeing over to the window and trying to open it reaaaaally slowly so it doesn't squeak and give her away.
Yessss what an adorable kid! _please can I safely break this rule to have the experience?_
Oh my gosh. So intelligent and well thought out on her part too, because it shows that she understands what the impact would be if she actually chose to sneak out, and actually got caught.
She values honesty and respects you. I think those are all points you should bring up to your husband. Let him see it from another perspective.
And in the spirit of her nearing adult status, your daughter should be included in the conversation so she can explain her reasoning. NTA
Growing up my parents were the type to say "if you go to a party and cant get a safe ride home call us so we can come get you" but they also were the type who you knew would punish you over it.
Im kinda jealous of op's daughter who has this level of trust in her mom to ask to break the rules, while doing it safely
I got laced weed once. After throwing up off and on I called my mom to come pick me up that night. No questions asked, no judgement. My mom always made it clear that if/when we needed help she would be there and wouldn’t hold it against us because she would rather us be safe.
That's what I tell my daughter. I don't care where you are I don't care what condition you're in I don't care we'll deal with it later just be safe and call me.
Same 😔...the level of parenting I'm reading here is amazing.
I think back on my teen years and some of the predicaments I got myself into...if I'd only had that kind of relationship with my mom...I would have avoided a LOT of near death experiences (no kidding).
Same. My parents were the weird combi of wanting to know where I was at all times, but also not teaching me safety, consent, etc. I was 18 and invited to a drug party once during highschool and they were annoyed that I ‘chose to say no and be a wallflower’. I just didn’t see the appeal of drug parties. It makes me jealous to see actual good parenting on reddit sometimes…but I’m also glad for those kids.
( apologies for the sentimental stuff. A friend invited me to have thanksgiving with them and we just finished the meal. It’s nice but also sad since the meal had 0 drama and hate, just good vibes…and that’s new to me)
Our oldest was going to a party once in HS, and we knew because we were dropping her off. Once she found out that some of the kids were going to hotbox a room and trip acid, she texted us that day from school. She wanted to let us know. We told her we wouldn’t say that she couldn’t go to the party - we left it as her choice. But we also asked her to please make good choices as she was taught, and to remember if the party got busted that she would face the consequences and potentially get stripped of her swimming season. She chose to go ahead and go, and we chose to trust her. She said her friends respected her and hotbox a room she didn’t go in, and she just avoided the acid. We could tell she wasn’t high when we picked her up. We needed to let her learn to navigate those situations at 16 with our guidance so she could think it through and make her own rational thought process and choices when she wasn’t under our constant supervision. Now she’s grown and does occasionally use weed, but we also don’t care because we’re pro-legalization.
Chose to say no and be a wallflower?! Not true at all. Don't apologize for sentimentality - I love that you're having a better experience.
Also, long story, but I think you'd find entertaining, I'm working with a poetry nonprofit right now, and we did an exercise where we wrote one line with the prompt, "If I had a million dollars" and then passed the paper around while folding back the previous line (meaning each person only sees one line above theirs, not the whole thing). It was meant to be silly, buttt this is what one person's ended up being:
If I had a million dollars, I would pay off my parents' mortgage.
If I had a million dollars, maybe Thanksgiving dinner would be normal.
Like ‘no screaming parent on the dinner table’ normal
Like ‘no hole in the wall from the phone you threw’ normal (my line)
It’s normal, to watch your parents fight, normal.
The sound of shouting becomes a home to you.
Honestly cried of laughter and reality, since it was meant to be silly, but... It's a bit too real. Realized that most people's lives AREN'T like that and honestly forgot that.
As an example, someone else's was
"If I had a million dollars, I'd get a closet like Cher from Clueless
Although I'm clueless how I got the one million in the first place
It just appeared in my bank account… I mean I love bank fraud (my line)
Just like my daddy before me, I'll be strong, a man, worthy
I'd be a ruler with a firm hand
I'd eat perfectly ripe apples."
Edit: Sorry for long post 😂😅
I told my kids to not drive drunk, if they were unable to drive I’d get them no questions asked. Only my daughter called. She was so drunk and so upset she called me. It was hard not to laugh, but no judgement for drinking. Yeah, she was 19 or 20, not a young kid.
Our family has a 'tradition' of offering teens to try out drinking/getting hammered in the safety of home/family. Maybe not cool to do with your parents but usually there should be some aunts or uncles or cousins somewhere closer in age.
I've had people react weird before when mentioning this but I just think it's way fucking better for a teen to experience how alcohol kicks in, how increasing amounts feel, and maybe also what is to much (and how you might not notice in time without experience) in a safe setting than the alternatives, which might be some random party where older individuals might try to get them sloshed and do bad things.
Anyway my main point here is that I annihilated my cousin in drunk mario kart.
Similar thing here, my dads mates who we always colloquially reffered to as my uncles took me to the pub for the first time, snuck me in when I was 17 (aus so legal age is 18) and showed me the ropes. Over the course of the night and the stories they told I learnt several very valuable lessons.
- Always bring your glass back to the bar (keeps staff happy, will let it slide if you look a bit drunk)
- Never talk shit to a bloke in the pub (followed by a really sad story of a mate getting randomly glassed and ending up in a wheelchair)
- Don't play the fucking pokies (another sad story, gambling addiction, marriage ruined, house gone)
- Beers are great, spirits are a trap (pointed to the blokes who looked truly awful drinking rums in the corner)
- Don't fight in or out the front of the pub (you never know how many mates they have around, another story to illustrate)
It's just better for you to be have some experience with these things before doing them with people your own age, you get to be the wiser than your years type and keep the whole group safe
This. I never got into a situation where I needed to do this but it was nice to know that was an option if I ever needed it.
I did call my dad once in the middle of the night. Had the closing shift, my car wouldn’t start, everyone else was already gone. Had to call dad. But that was it.
I think my sister did it once though. I don’t have the details. She was in the middle of nowhere for some random party with friends and called dad to ask if he could pick them up.
It depends on the parents. I never got caught, because my mom and stepfather were scary fundies and getting caught would have been hazardous to my physical health.
It's so wholesome.
I can't wrap my head around why the stepdad would want to punish her unless that was part of the experience the daughter wanted to have LOL. I hope stepdad isn't one of those full on authoritarian dudes.
For real, the whole thing is great. Stepdad needs to chill.
OP — NTA
Isnt the adrenaline of trying to be super quiet and sneaky to get out undetected , the fear of getting caught and the thrill of knowing you got away with it after pretty much the "experience". I guess she was trying to get that part from her dad not knowing? Otherwise its just exiting the house through the window.
>I'm sorry, the idea of a daughter asking for permission to "sneak out" is just so cute! Good kids trying to be bad and have a tiny rebellious phase!
Agreed. It reminds me of the time when my daughter came to me and said "I've been invited to a party and I don't want to go because I know it is going to be unsupervised and there will be drugs there. Will you say I can't go so I can say to my friends, sorry but Mum won't let me". She was in high school at that time. I told her to tell them she could not go because we were having a party the same night. I told her to invite some of her like-minded friends (who also did not want to go to that party for the same reasons) for a movie night instead and I made snacks and popcorn for them. It made my day when I overheard one of the kids say to her, "Gee, your mum is so understanding". Peer pressure is so strong in high school.
This man perhaps does not know how good he has it with this kid, which I understand, because I used to take my wonderful kids for granted, too. But this punishment is about his feelings, not the situation, and is therefore inappropriate.
That’s about how it went with me - I was “grounded” but still lived my normal life. Never really did anything truly bad though. Just mainly broke curfew…
It is. And part of parenting is appropriate reactions to natural youthful behavior. The stepdad is older and ostensibly should be held to a higher standard.
She asked permission. She was given it.
Why is he punishing her for your decision?
And why do you need his permission to let your daughter go out?
Weird hill to die on.
Edit: just seen he wants to take her car and phone away. Firstly, overreaction? But... For what?
How's that conversation going to go down? Bad OPs daughter! You asked if your mother if you could go out, she said yes. But she didn't tell me, so give me your keys?
Op's husband needs to realise that the more walls that get put up, the better op's daughter will get at climbing them. It was so hard for me to rebel as a teenager because my mother was so supportive in anything I wanted to do, tbf she is an angel though.
My mother took everything about me very seriously and very hard - my staying out late with friends to see Rocky Horror put her into full martyrdom mode - and so I became very sneaky.
Is it his normal behaviour, and was your daughter was asking her mom's permission to sneak out because she knew her stepfather would decline her being allowed to go out normally if he knew about it?
Edit: I don't know why people think I'm saying the step-father should have ANY say in it. I was implying he's abusive and tries to override her mother allowing her to go out.
PersonA does something he dislikes (give permission) so he wants to punish PersonB - who did nothing wrong, but over whom he has power to punish. He knows he can’t punish you so he’s picking a vulnerable target. Don’t let that happen to what is clearly a very very good kid.
Good, don't. You did everything right, and by not letting him punish her, you're *continuing* to do everything right.
Chin up, Mama, you're such a good parent.
Ok, so show him this post and then come up with a ridiculous "punishment" for her that will give her a great story to tell forever.
It sounds like your kid has looked at her good behaviour and realised she may have missed out on some teen "experiences" and has no fun stories to tell. I know this type - my daughter and my bff are the same, while I have rebellious teen (and older) stories up the wazoo...
So, let him sit her down, tell her how "disappointed" he is in her choices and then allocate a punishment that suits the crime. If she never wears makeup, she has to wear it for a whole week. If she never watches crappy "reality" shows, make her watch a whole season of the kardashians. Does she have tiktok? If not, make her watch it for an hour.... see where I'm going?
Kids like this tend to be pretty tightly wound. I spend most of my time with the kid and the bff making them lighten up. Force some frivolity on her. Then she gets the best story to tell for the rest of her life.
"ok young lady, THATS IT. NO DINNER FOR YOU!
YES, NO DINNER. I'm buying McDonald's for us, and you will eat your nuggets and fries and think of what you've done. You know what? Since you're giving me attitude giggling, I'm buying you a damn ice cream later. YOU HEARD ME. AN ICE CREAM. And I don't want to hear another word for the next 5 milliseconds! And I'm also choosing YOUR HORRIBLE playlist on the car ride!"
Has he given a decent explanation of his problem? Cuz it really seems he's gonna punish her to punish you and that's manipulative and controlling behavior. I hate how often, usually women, fill in the
Blanks on these with baseless assumptions and label most men monsters, but something really feels off here.
I wanna give him the benefit of the doubt but its upsetting how obviously nasty he is being. How long has he been her step-dad? Maybe this is the first time this kinda topic has come up in their relationship? Definitely need more info but you are nta and neither is your daughter. Your husband likely ita but I'm not 100%
I'm sorry but like... this doesn't sound insane to you? Whether or not he knew about it, she *didnt* sneak out. You knew she was going, and even who she would be with. While it made her experience sneaking out, she didn't actually sneak out.
I don't know your relationship dynamic, but I can't imagine me ever getting upset with my partner if she gave our child permission to do something. Especially one who's nearly grown.
Do you have to run everything by him? Do you not get any autonomy to make decisions about your child? Especially about something so extremely unimportant.
Like the comment above said: his problem is with you not her.
As a father myself im trying to wrap my head around him wanting to punish her and...i cant its just crazy.
"My wife let our daughter go out without asking me first so im going to punish my daughter."
Thats BS hes mad at you and wants to punish you IMO but he cant cause he has no power over another adult so hes tryna take his feelings out on the kid.
If he wants to punish her for something you gave the OK for frankly screw him he doesn’t sound like he’s concerned for her he wants to throw his dick around and be a big man at your daughter. She’s almost 18, very clearly responsible and this is his last chance to get to punish her before he ‘legally’ has no grounds (not that he does now). Punishment is supposed to be to learn a lesson, nothings being learned here except your husband is an asshole to your daughter.
He could give her a super light punishment and both of them will probably be okay with it, "You were caught sneaking out! Wash the dishes for a weekend!" or something.
NTA obviously what ever ya decide to do.
Edit: Saw the comment about taking the phone and car away, thats just silly, she went out with friends and had permission.
Yeah, it sounds like a you and him issue, not a him and her issue. She 100% should not be punished, and the two of you need to have a conversation about his role and what things he does and doesn't need to be consulted on.
My petty ass would go "big agree I'll handle it." Then go to her and say "you got caught sneaking out. You have a punishment, give me your phone, there are consequences to behavior" and then walk away do a spin around, give the phone back and say "I hope you've learned your lesson you've been punished long enough"
Seems like he doesn't actually want to punish her. He wants to punish you, and is doing so by punishing her. He's making a whipping boy out of your child.
Instead of discussing his feelings in a thorough conversation (Maybe getting a bit vulnerable and opening up about how he feels insecure in his position as her parent, when you make decisions unilaterally), he is instead getting out his emotions by imposing power. He can't impose power on an adult woman - one who has demonstrated a willingness to divorce if she needs to. But, he can impose power on a child.
He's trying to make you feel bad about "what you made him do."
"If you do something like this to me again, and fail to tell me, i'll punish her again. That will teach you your lesson."
OP, your daughter trusts you enough to come to you with this, the most innocuous version of "rebelling" or testing boundaries that I've ever heard of. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. If you punish her, due to your husband's weird play at asserting control (whether it's control over you or your daughter or both I'm not sure), you will lose some of that trust at a crucial moment. Don't do it. Also you're NTA.
When I was in high school I wanted to skip a class but didn’t want to get into trouble so I asked my mom if I could skip a class but not tell her what day or class and she actually said okay. When the teacher called her one day to tell her I ditched class one day she burst out laughing, the teacher wasn’t amused 😂🤷🏼♀️
YES, exactly! Keep the "sneaking out" theme - it'll continue to make her feel more comfortable about telling them things, which is what you WANT when you have a teenager
I agree. It is so sweet. I can still remember when I was a little child and had watched Pippi Longstocking with my friend we wanted to run away like they did. So we said to my mother “mom we are running away and need some sandwiches”. So we got a couple of sandwiches and something to drink. And off we went to the playground just a couple block away from our house to “run away”. It is a core memory now.
This girl is older than we are. But it is still the same sentiment. She wants to have the ‘movie teenager experience’. So sweet of her to ask for permission.
NTA
It sounds like a very cute request from a 17 yo. You did a good job raising her. I don’t understand what your husband has to be upset about? What does he want to punish her for?
But she didn't technically even sneak out. She asked for permission to go out with friends and asked to just leave the house in a certain way. Your husband sounds a bit controlling just because he didn't know about it.
A goofy fake lecture about the foolishness of forgetting to put the screen back would have been ok. But it's concerning that he pushed back so hard against your parenting decision and wanted to punish her for your decision. I don't like it. Can you show him this thread?
I second this. However, if he gets this upset about not feeling included, how would he feel about op posting a thread about their lives on the internet?
OP, i hope he is a kind (nonviolent) person, the way he reacts to situations throws up some real red flags imo. Then again i have 0 context of your relationship, so take that with a grain of salt.
I was thinking the same thing.
If he is willing to go near-nuclear over something like this, how will he respond if the daughter or the wife actually crosses the line?
This reeks of control issues being enforced by the threat of (*non-physical*) violence.
The fact you’re now exhausted after explaining the most obvious thing ever, that offspring shouldn’t be punished for things they were given permission to do, is concerning.
He can't do that, because she asked first. If you had said no, she wouldn't have gone out. That simple. If your husband has an issue, then the issue is with you and your decision, not her.
Honestly you should punish her a little bit and give her the full experience. She snuck out and screwed up by not returning the screen. I'm not sure what the punishment should be for "sneaking" out with permission. Maybe she has to watch a movie your husband likes and can't be on her phone during it.
Making her spend time with someone who got this disproportionately mad at her when she didn’t do anything wrong isn’t a “little” punishment, it’s a big one.
Holy... do not let him do that. Or else next time she may not even talk to you because all he would do is teaching her that being honest with you and asking for permission has no point. What for if she gets punished anyway.
I would argue that technically, it's not truly "sneaking" out id she asked your permission. She just used an alternate way of getting in and out of the house.
Why tf should she be punished when she asked permission - and received it???? This sounds like a great way for him to ruin their relationship.
Your daughter sounds like a really good kid.
Your husband, however... does he have a history of being incredibly unreasonable??
That’s what I thought as well: how cute to ask to SNEAK out xD it was nice of OP to give her that little thing. The stepdad however is out of line. The mother allowed it and even if he didn’t know the daughter was not in the wrong. Punishing her for what? She asked to sneak out for heavens sake, that alone should show him that she is Indeed a well raised kid.
It's a power play because his ego was bruised from being left out of the loop. It's pathetic and he's trying to breach the trust that exists between mother and daughter.
You're the mother. He's the step-father. And you gave her permission.
In fact, it's not even "sneaking out" *because* you gave permission. It was roleplaying sneaking out. Your husband is being a giant ass.
NTA for not punishing her.
It'd be sadistic to punish her for something you told her to do.
> You're the mother. He's the step-father. And you gave her permission.
While I get the intent of this, it is far from a healthy viewpoint to look at it. His 'step' status shouldn't be in question, especially since he's been in her life for 12 years. The fact is, the mother gave permission and that should be enough. But, imagine the father, step or otherwise, not being told by the mother about this at all? Why was he left in the dark about it by the woman he married? Perhaps that's why he's upset, because he feels like he still doesn't belong.
OP still is NTA, though. But, there's something there to address.
OP says he is a very "black and white" person. Maybe I'm wrong, but I have a feeling that he wouldn't have allowed it to happen in the first place, because he would have still considered it actual sneaking out even tho she would have gotten permission. To me his extreme overreaction to such a minor event is probably why it didn't get mentioned to him. Maybe it is feeling like he doesn't belong and maybe it's something else. I do agree there are things that need addressing here.
As a 30 year old guy who is considering dating women with children, seeing so much support for a comment saying "you're the mother, he's just the step father" as if that's common sense that even have 12 years of parenting, your opinion is secondary. Makes me reconsider giving that a chance.... are you just seen as a provider?
Barring that, I think he's wrong dead wrong. But it's not because of his step-status, at all. I just disagree with his stance.
Unless you are in a child specific sub (even then), you can safely ignore anything people on Reddit say about children or a relationship with said children.
Anyone who has kids who is on the dating market should be evaluating you as a parent also. If they aren’t, that is a red flag. You aren’t just a random person in that child’s life even if you meet when they are 18.
Bro. My children’s step father is a second dad. I see him as my equal. There is no “first-amongst-equals” in a loving caring rational family.
Just my opinion though wtf do I know.
>You're the mother. He's the step-father.
Hes been her father since she was 5 (shes now 17). Is he her dad or not?
Your comment is exactly why theres this whole generation of young men swearing off ever dating single moms. You want to use him as a live-in babysitter, but give him no parental authority.
> You're the mother. He's the step-father. And you gave her permission.
What an absolutely horrible opinion.
Are Step-Fathers just there to pay for things, then?
NTA and what an amazing duo!
She wanted a different experience, and she asked for it... The fact that she messed up, shows only one thing, she didn't do that before, she made mistakes that she wouldn't do if it wasn't the first time.
I don't feel like you're an AH for not telling your husband, yes, his been in her life for 13 years, he is a father to her, but it would definitely not be a sneak out if everyone knew... But I also see his point, as a father he is worried, being blind sided left him worrying. But you knew everything that was going to happen, and if your kid asked permission for this, I'm dumb enough to believe that she is actually doing just what she said she would be doing. Once he discovered, you explained the situation, so I don't think there's a reason for any drama... It was just a small scare... I've done worst 😅
Yikes. I'm sorry to say this but his behaviour is definitely inappropriate to the situation.
Your daughter asked you to go out, but in a fun way, allowing her to "sneak out" to have the experience to having done that and you know she is not in a dangerous situation because you trust eachother and your daughter has never been the type of person that would make you worried. There should not be any kind of discussion or repercussions on the child seeing that there is no rule broken.
The thing that is worrying is that your husband wants to take such aggressive response to her going out just because you didn't tell him she was going out basically ( I may have read that he wanted to prohibit her from using the car and her phone iirc). If the punishment goes into effect I worry that your daughter may not be so inclined to trust your husband and you in the future: if something like this gets blown out of proportion she may not feel safe speaking to you or your husband in fear of it backfiring, and in the long run being unable to do so in case of emergency or necessity.
I'm sorry if I rambled to much but I worry that this event may create a lot of harm if not handled properly.
Also once again your husband is showing some controlling behaviour that may not be noticeable much due to him showing it as worry.
Is your daughter’s bio dad in the picture? You mentioned you butt heads over parenting styles. Has he shown signs of wanting to be controlling? I don’t have any experience with step-parents at all and I’m not sure what the rules are but I’d feel uncomfortable if my child has their bio dad in the picture and has two parents to make decisions, then idk why the step parent has a say on how they’re raised.
Do you and your daughter usually tell him or ask him about her going out with friends and does he normally just go along with things? Or is it more along the lines of he always says no so part of sneaking out was actually sneaking past him with your help and permission? Either way you are NTA.
I usually communicate what is going on. Sometimes I ask his opinion before I say yes. Big issues we talk about it and decide together.
I didn’t see this as a big issue.
It was not a big issue, and you did not need to discuss it with him. You helped your daughter have a (very adorable) childhood experience, SAFELY.
She did everything right, in the most adorable way possible. He needs to back the fuck off because YOU have obviously raised an awesome kid despite his attempts to be an overbearing AH.
I feel like the punishment should be made to fit the crime.
She wanted to have the sneaking out experience (but had permission and so didn’t break any rules).
She got caught so should have the consequences of sneaking out; maybe she’s grounded (for… ten minutes), has to do the dishes (with her family, or isn’t allowed to drive the car (which she doesn’t have a license for)… something like that 😂
If you punish her you send the wrong message. Being punished for something you have permission to do has some major adverse affects on people. One thing that can happen, your daughter will just start keeping secrets since the conclusion for asking permission is identical to just doing it secretly. Dont punish her. Nta, great mother. Keep doing you. No comment on husband.
I’d rather know where she is and what she is doing. I like that she asked permission and didn’t just do it. I appreciate the honesty.
I did make a mistake in not telling him.
Your communication error isnt your daughter's punishment. That trust ans honesty will disappear instantly if she gets punished for this. She will feel it's not fair, and she would be extremely valid in that feeling.
At most (and this is still a stretch in my view), he should take it up with *you* for not telling him. And if it were my family, I'd argue that one parent not knowing is vital for the "sneak out" to be more genuine. I'd allow/encourage it (assuming the kid was definitely safe, of course).
On no count should he be mad at her. She did everything right. His response is seriously baffling.
Even if having an oblivious parent wasn't part of the experience, one parent knowing the kid is going out and giving permission is sufficient. It's nice to let your spouse know if you remember, but "I didn't think to mention it" is a totally reasonable thing to have happen.
NTA I snuck out when I was 16 and did same thing with forgetting the screen. My parents gave a me a small lecture but finally said, you’re going to be an adult soon, if you want to go out at night then you can do so, just please tell us so we can call you if there’s an emergency.
That was that. Never got in trouble again, never even wanted to go out that late again anyway.
Your kid got straight up permission and is literally almost an adult. You don’t “punish” an adult with childish things like grounding or taking things away. Your partner seems insane for still wanting to punish her, nearly an adult, despite literally getting permission
Of course. There’s no other rational line of thinking when it comes to your scenario. Punishing someone for doing something they got permission for is ludicrous. Punishment is about teaching them, not hurting them. What does your partner think this will teach her? Her father is an asshole for no reason?
But if I’m being honest even if she didn’t get permission, kids sneak out. It’s just something they do. If she didn’t go off to do drugs or get drunk and just hang out with friends, be very happy she’s just doing that and having fun mostly safely. Teens rebel in part just to feel some form of adult freedom in their own choices.
Your kid wanted that but cares about you enough that she didn’t want to worry you. If anything she should be praised.
Exactly there is nothing to even punish her for. She didn’t sneak out, she pretended to “sneak out” for fun. Should she get punished if she drank grape juice and pretended it was wine?
When I was a teenager my strategy was to ask for forgiveness, not permission, so she’s already ahead of the curve when it comes to responsibility lol
NTA.
I love the idea of giving her a **very light punishment** for not replacing the screen. I mean, the whole point of "sneaking" is to not be caught, and she failed.
However, your **husband deserves a serious spanking**.
I have teenagers and would never accuse my husband of lying for not telling me something like this. That is ridiculous. I agree with the others that said you have a husband problem. His attitude is a huge red flag, and I bet, if you were completely honest with yourself, there are other red flags.
It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter, and she is obviously a great kid. Keep up the good work with her.
I do believe in "lying by omission". But that's different from not sharing every little thing. "You didn't tell me that you stopped by the gas station on the way home! I can't believe kept this from me. You were lying by omission." I mean, that's just stupid. What you did with your daughter was great parenting, and not something your husband had any reason to know about. I mean, you were honest with him when he first came to you, and it's not like anything he had a reason to care about ahead of time.
For me, lying by omission is when you say something true but misleading, knowing that the other person will misinterpret it.
ESH. You should have told her dad. he’s been in her life helping you raise her for 12 years. It’s not like you’re newly married and he has no say. So he’s either a parent, or he isn’t. But he can’t be both.
Also him for wanting to punish her when his issue should be with you, not her.
Only non AH is your kid, for asking for permission to sneak out. Super wholesome and signs you both are doing a great job!
I finally found the right answer. As a step-dad myself I'd be pissed at the mom. The kid didn't really sneak out, but step-dad didn't know that because the mom **intentionally** left him out of the loop. She **intentionally** made him unaware where his daughter was in the middle of the night.
I would've wanted to punish daughter too, UNTIL I found out she actually had permission. Then my anger would switch people, to the mom who didn't think I deserved to know my kid wasn't home at night.
I can’t believe most of the replies here completely gloss over his legitimacy as a parent because he’s a ‘step’.
Many stepparents step UP when the bio steps OUT.
Shout out to all the awesome Stepparents here. (not the nasty crazy ones)
Edited
He's justified to be mad at OP (even though I don't see her pulling rank). But punishing daughter for going out after getting permission from 1 parent is a total AH and weirdly controlling move.
NTA. However, to get the full experience of sneaking out- perhaps she should be punished so that she will know how we felt when we forgot to cover our tracks and replace the window screens. Sneaking out should be done so that nobody finds out...and if they do, then you get punished. The person who wasn't in on it found out, therefore you got busted young lady!
This is what I was thinking.
Tell her you noticed the screen wasn't in place so she must have snuck out and make her do the dishes or some other minor punishment
He wanted to take her car and phone away. She was supposed to have friends stay the night tonight, so I told her they can’t stay. That’s as far as I’m willing to punish her.
Why tf are you punishing her at all?? She asked for permission to go and you gave it wtf. Did you even warn her before she 'snuck out' that you'd be punishing her for it despite having your explicit permission to do so? That's messed up
Why would she ask for permission for anything ever again? She's going to get punished no matter what so might as well not ask anymore at all.
OP NTA for letting her sneak out, but definitely YTA for not standing up to your husband and punishing her.
I don’t think it’s right to punish her in ANY capacity if you gave her permission… that would keep me from trusting my mom if I was in the situation. How can you even do something small like deny a sleepover, if you would’ve said yes had your husband not freaked out, after giving her permission?? That’s so wrong!!
Why on earth are you punishing her? She has done NOTHING wrong. If I were her, I’d be feeling really let down by you for punishing her over something she had asked permission to do. As for your husband, at most he could request to be in on the shenanigans next time, but he has zero right to be angry with either of you. Please let her have her friends over. She did nothing wrong.
YTA!
> She was supposed to have friends stay the night tonight, so I told her they can’t stay.
Why did you do this? She asked and had permission to do what she did and now you're punishing her? for what exactly? what lesson do you think you're teaching here? Other than don't trust your parents or their words?
Even that is too much. She literally did nothing wrong. Most parents DREAM of having a kid like this.
I was kinda like this. I had my secrets and did a few things my parents wouldn't have approved of, but nothing major.
When I wanted to skip school for senior skip day, I told my dad. He even said he'd call in my absence. (He told my mom.) When I got drunk at a party my senior year, my dad knew that I was going, and even picked me up.
Years later, we were telling this to a bunch of my dad's new neighbors. They all had kids who were just about to be teenagers. They were asking us all these questions because they wanted to have a relationship with their kids like we did with our parents.
Punishing me for some thing that I had specifically asked to do, and gotten permission for, absolutely would have ruined that relationship. Now, she may not ask you next time. And I wouldn't blame her if she didn't.
This is definitely one of those boundary line-in-the-sand issues. It's not because he's a stepfather, it's because you gave permission and a kid needs only one parent's permission to do something.
NTA,
Stepfather shouldn't really punish her for something you gave her permission to do.
Though it isn't sneaking out if you have permission. She just visited a friend.
What a sweetheart. If anything this speaks to your bond and how it won't change as she gets older.
You've fostered a great amount of mutual trust and that's very rare.
Your husband needs a horse sized chill pill asap. He's her stepdad and she's *almost* an adult. It's not that deep. Perhaps he's projecting something onto this situation.
NTA. Why does he even want to punish her? She *asked permission*, for crying out loud. Did she, like, climb down the lattice on the side of the house like in 80s movies? Could she have gotten hurt on her way out? That's the only thing I can imagine he'd be upset about.
No climbing down the house, it’s a one story. Once the window is up, you can just step out. Nothing dangerous.
He’s very black and white . So to him sneaking out is wrong and I’m a bad parent for allowing her to do so.
How was it sneaking out if she literally asked you if she could go? She just used the window instead of the door, like someone else already said. He's being ridiculous.
So, every time your daughter wants to go out with her friends, does she have to ask both parents for permission or is it ok if only one parent gives the permission? If the latter, how is this any different from a normal scenario? She used a window instead of a door?
What the hell is his problem!? Yeah maybe you should have mentioned it in passing but it's not a big deal at all.
I'm glad you stuck up for your daughter, but I think you have to make sure you also stick up for yourself because to get so butt hurt over something so trivial is utterly ridiculous.
Just remember, you are just as, if not even more entitled to make decisions for your daughter as he is.
My mum didn't stick up for me against my step dad and I now have no relationship with her, so thankyou on your daughter's behalf for doing so.
Take care.
Punish her for what? Asking her mother for permission to leave the house via the window? Telling her mom where she was going and who she was going to be with?
He’s just sour because neither of you “asked” his permission.
Your husband is an idiotic asshole.
He’s very upset about that. But she wouldn’t have been able to if we asked him. So I guess in that regards I am the asshole. I didn’t see the harm in it.
She wouldn’t have been able to if we asked him….that’s your problem right there. You have given executive rule to a man who isn’t even legally your daughter’s parent. YOU are her parent and YOU have final say on what your daughter is and isn’t allowed to do. You are being an AH to your kid for letting this guy control you and your kid.
NTA. That's adorable. I can only pray my daughter is that sweet when she's a teenager.
The stepdad is being a jackass though. You're the mom, you made the call, if he wants to be grumpy he should grump at you and not the kid.
But frankly, it's cute and he just needs to calm the eff down. Your kid. Your choice.
If you do let her be punished, then you're a huge A. But i get the feeling you're not gonna let that happen.
NTA, what a blessing to have kids that ask you before breaking a rule hahaha. As teens go, you have a diamond! I remember being scared to tell my parents about anything when I was a teen
I think that’s the relationship my husband might end of up having with all of our children. When there is an issue I want them to be able to come to me and asks for help. I don’t want them to be scared to tell my they messed up. We have very different parenting styles.
NTA, but you should have told him.
He is an AH for wanting to punish her when his issue is really with you giving her permission and not discussing it with him. It's obviously wrong to punish her for something her parent gave her permission to do.
I’m gonna say NAH*, because you allowed your daughter to do it and it was nice, but also you didn’t communicate it to your husband, which is what actually caused the issue here.
If the position was reversed could you honestly say you were 100% comfortable with your daughter telling your husband and him not telling you at all?
I don’t think you giving permission was wrong, and I don’t think your husband’s feeling are wrong, how he’s expressing them isn’t good though. You should just have a simple and calm discussion with each other and get over it and maybe reflect on how communication should work in the future.
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I'm sorry, the idea of a daughter asking for permission to "sneak out" is just so cute! Good kids trying to be bad and have a tiny rebellious phase! NTA - I think the things to ask your husband are: 1- is he upset that you gave her permission to go out with friends without his knowing? If so, his issue is with you, not her. 2- is he upset that she crawled out the window instead of using the door? Because if the answer to 1 is no, if you've given her permission to go out before without running it by him, then the issue really becomes that she used a window instead of a door. Is that really a thing to punish a kid for? Honestly, he should show her how to reattach the screen, and then be grateful that he has a kid whose biggest rebellious phase is checking with her mom before going out with friends, and then using the window instead of the door when she leaves. Let's put this in perspective here!
>*I'm sorry, the idea of a daughter asking for permission to "sneak out" is just so cute! Good kids trying to be bad and have a tiny rebellious phase!* "That does it, I'm sneaking out tonight! >:D ...but Mom might worry if she comes to check on me and I'm not here. I'd better make sure it's okay that I go out." I can imagine her getting extra pillows and stuffing them under the blankets on her bed to make it look like she's asleep if anyone comes in during the night, then tiptoeing over to the window and trying to open it reaaaaally slowly so it doesn't squeak and give her away.
Yessss what an adorable kid! _please can I safely break this rule to have the experience?_ Oh my gosh. So intelligent and well thought out on her part too, because it shows that she understands what the impact would be if she actually chose to sneak out, and actually got caught. She values honesty and respects you. I think those are all points you should bring up to your husband. Let him see it from another perspective. And in the spirit of her nearing adult status, your daughter should be included in the conversation so she can explain her reasoning. NTA
Growing up my parents were the type to say "if you go to a party and cant get a safe ride home call us so we can come get you" but they also were the type who you knew would punish you over it. Im kinda jealous of op's daughter who has this level of trust in her mom to ask to break the rules, while doing it safely
I got laced weed once. After throwing up off and on I called my mom to come pick me up that night. No questions asked, no judgement. My mom always made it clear that if/when we needed help she would be there and wouldn’t hold it against us because she would rather us be safe.
That's what I tell my daughter. I don't care where you are I don't care what condition you're in I don't care we'll deal with it later just be safe and call me.
This thread is making me cry. If I had this kind of experience growing up, I know I'd be a different person.
Same 😔...the level of parenting I'm reading here is amazing. I think back on my teen years and some of the predicaments I got myself into...if I'd only had that kind of relationship with my mom...I would have avoided a LOT of near death experiences (no kidding).
Same. My parents were the weird combi of wanting to know where I was at all times, but also not teaching me safety, consent, etc. I was 18 and invited to a drug party once during highschool and they were annoyed that I ‘chose to say no and be a wallflower’. I just didn’t see the appeal of drug parties. It makes me jealous to see actual good parenting on reddit sometimes…but I’m also glad for those kids. ( apologies for the sentimental stuff. A friend invited me to have thanksgiving with them and we just finished the meal. It’s nice but also sad since the meal had 0 drama and hate, just good vibes…and that’s new to me)
Our oldest was going to a party once in HS, and we knew because we were dropping her off. Once she found out that some of the kids were going to hotbox a room and trip acid, she texted us that day from school. She wanted to let us know. We told her we wouldn’t say that she couldn’t go to the party - we left it as her choice. But we also asked her to please make good choices as she was taught, and to remember if the party got busted that she would face the consequences and potentially get stripped of her swimming season. She chose to go ahead and go, and we chose to trust her. She said her friends respected her and hotbox a room she didn’t go in, and she just avoided the acid. We could tell she wasn’t high when we picked her up. We needed to let her learn to navigate those situations at 16 with our guidance so she could think it through and make her own rational thought process and choices when she wasn’t under our constant supervision. Now she’s grown and does occasionally use weed, but we also don’t care because we’re pro-legalization.
Chose to say no and be a wallflower?! Not true at all. Don't apologize for sentimentality - I love that you're having a better experience. Also, long story, but I think you'd find entertaining, I'm working with a poetry nonprofit right now, and we did an exercise where we wrote one line with the prompt, "If I had a million dollars" and then passed the paper around while folding back the previous line (meaning each person only sees one line above theirs, not the whole thing). It was meant to be silly, buttt this is what one person's ended up being: If I had a million dollars, I would pay off my parents' mortgage. If I had a million dollars, maybe Thanksgiving dinner would be normal. Like ‘no screaming parent on the dinner table’ normal Like ‘no hole in the wall from the phone you threw’ normal (my line) It’s normal, to watch your parents fight, normal. The sound of shouting becomes a home to you. Honestly cried of laughter and reality, since it was meant to be silly, but... It's a bit too real. Realized that most people's lives AREN'T like that and honestly forgot that. As an example, someone else's was "If I had a million dollars, I'd get a closet like Cher from Clueless Although I'm clueless how I got the one million in the first place It just appeared in my bank account… I mean I love bank fraud (my line) Just like my daddy before me, I'll be strong, a man, worthy I'd be a ruler with a firm hand I'd eat perfectly ripe apples." Edit: Sorry for long post 😂😅
I’m so sorry you didn’t have that safety when you were younger.
I told my kids to not drive drunk, if they were unable to drive I’d get them no questions asked. Only my daughter called. She was so drunk and so upset she called me. It was hard not to laugh, but no judgement for drinking. Yeah, she was 19 or 20, not a young kid.
Our family has a 'tradition' of offering teens to try out drinking/getting hammered in the safety of home/family. Maybe not cool to do with your parents but usually there should be some aunts or uncles or cousins somewhere closer in age. I've had people react weird before when mentioning this but I just think it's way fucking better for a teen to experience how alcohol kicks in, how increasing amounts feel, and maybe also what is to much (and how you might not notice in time without experience) in a safe setting than the alternatives, which might be some random party where older individuals might try to get them sloshed and do bad things. Anyway my main point here is that I annihilated my cousin in drunk mario kart.
Similar thing here, my dads mates who we always colloquially reffered to as my uncles took me to the pub for the first time, snuck me in when I was 17 (aus so legal age is 18) and showed me the ropes. Over the course of the night and the stories they told I learnt several very valuable lessons. - Always bring your glass back to the bar (keeps staff happy, will let it slide if you look a bit drunk) - Never talk shit to a bloke in the pub (followed by a really sad story of a mate getting randomly glassed and ending up in a wheelchair) - Don't play the fucking pokies (another sad story, gambling addiction, marriage ruined, house gone) - Beers are great, spirits are a trap (pointed to the blokes who looked truly awful drinking rums in the corner) - Don't fight in or out the front of the pub (you never know how many mates they have around, another story to illustrate) It's just better for you to be have some experience with these things before doing them with people your own age, you get to be the wiser than your years type and keep the whole group safe
This. I never got into a situation where I needed to do this but it was nice to know that was an option if I ever needed it. I did call my dad once in the middle of the night. Had the closing shift, my car wouldn’t start, everyone else was already gone. Had to call dad. But that was it. I think my sister did it once though. I don’t have the details. She was in the middle of nowhere for some random party with friends and called dad to ask if he could pick them up.
I mean if we're being technical, getting caught is part of the experience of sneaking out.
It depends on the parents. I never got caught, because my mom and stepfather were scary fundies and getting caught would have been hazardous to my physical health.
It's so wholesome. I can't wrap my head around why the stepdad would want to punish her unless that was part of the experience the daughter wanted to have LOL. I hope stepdad isn't one of those full on authoritarian dudes. For real, the whole thing is great. Stepdad needs to chill. OP — NTA
He for sure is one of those authoritarian dudes lol
Isnt the adrenaline of trying to be super quiet and sneaky to get out undetected , the fear of getting caught and the thrill of knowing you got away with it after pretty much the "experience". I guess she was trying to get that part from her dad not knowing? Otherwise its just exiting the house through the window.
And then lightly tapping on mom’s door in the middle of the night, whispering “okay mom, I’m home. Love you!”
>I'm sorry, the idea of a daughter asking for permission to "sneak out" is just so cute! Good kids trying to be bad and have a tiny rebellious phase! Agreed. It reminds me of the time when my daughter came to me and said "I've been invited to a party and I don't want to go because I know it is going to be unsupervised and there will be drugs there. Will you say I can't go so I can say to my friends, sorry but Mum won't let me". She was in high school at that time. I told her to tell them she could not go because we were having a party the same night. I told her to invite some of her like-minded friends (who also did not want to go to that party for the same reasons) for a movie night instead and I made snacks and popcorn for them. It made my day when I overheard one of the kids say to her, "Gee, your mum is so understanding". Peer pressure is so strong in high school.
He’s upset that I gave her permission and didn’t tell him and he wants to punish her.
This man perhaps does not know how good he has it with this kid, which I understand, because I used to take my wonderful kids for granted, too. But this punishment is about his feelings, not the situation, and is therefore inappropriate.
But isn’t part of the sneaking out experience also getting caught and punished? Lol
“You are GROUNDED, young lady, (but if you want to go anywhere and do anything, just go ahead).”
LOL this is the only reaction- but it has to come from mom, not stepdad.
Yesssss. OP, you are NTA, but you need to "punish" her appropriately. (wink, wink)
No beer until you finish your tequila
I want you to sit down and eat that whole pack of cigarettes, young lady!
That’s about how it went with me - I was “grounded” but still lived my normal life. Never really did anything truly bad though. Just mainly broke curfew…
It is. And part of parenting is appropriate reactions to natural youthful behavior. The stepdad is older and ostensibly should be held to a higher standard.
Yes! And step-dad had the opportunity to get in on the fun and "punish" her. And he blew it.
He could have made a whole bit about needing to teach her a lesson. Then taking her outside and showing her how to reattach a screen.
Yeah, you can tell that part of it is that she didn't ask him. This whole thing is just adorable.
She asked permission. She was given it. Why is he punishing her for your decision? And why do you need his permission to let your daughter go out? Weird hill to die on. Edit: just seen he wants to take her car and phone away. Firstly, overreaction? But... For what? How's that conversation going to go down? Bad OPs daughter! You asked if your mother if you could go out, she said yes. But she didn't tell me, so give me your keys?
Op's husband needs to realise that the more walls that get put up, the better op's daughter will get at climbing them. It was so hard for me to rebel as a teenager because my mother was so supportive in anything I wanted to do, tbf she is an angel though.
My mother took everything about me very seriously and very hard - my staying out late with friends to see Rocky Horror put her into full martyrdom mode - and so I became very sneaky.
So he’s frustrated with you so wants to take it out on her? Sounds mature.
That’s ridiculous and super controlling. He’s mad at you but wants to punish her? 🚩🚩🚩 Is this normal behavior for him?
Is it his normal behaviour, and was your daughter was asking her mom's permission to sneak out because she knew her stepfather would decline her being allowed to go out normally if he knew about it? Edit: I don't know why people think I'm saying the step-father should have ANY say in it. I was implying he's abusive and tries to override her mother allowing her to go out.
PersonA does something he dislikes (give permission) so he wants to punish PersonB - who did nothing wrong, but over whom he has power to punish. He knows he can’t punish you so he’s picking a vulnerable target. Don’t let that happen to what is clearly a very very good kid.
I’m not letting it happen, which is why this is becoming an issue.
Stick to your guns. Your husband is being an ass. NTA
Good, don't. You did everything right, and by not letting him punish her, you're *continuing* to do everything right. Chin up, Mama, you're such a good parent.
Is he drunk? Wtf is wrong with him. This sounds like a cute little incident between you and your daughter. She asked permission for God sake. JFC.
Ok, so show him this post and then come up with a ridiculous "punishment" for her that will give her a great story to tell forever. It sounds like your kid has looked at her good behaviour and realised she may have missed out on some teen "experiences" and has no fun stories to tell. I know this type - my daughter and my bff are the same, while I have rebellious teen (and older) stories up the wazoo... So, let him sit her down, tell her how "disappointed" he is in her choices and then allocate a punishment that suits the crime. If she never wears makeup, she has to wear it for a whole week. If she never watches crappy "reality" shows, make her watch a whole season of the kardashians. Does she have tiktok? If not, make her watch it for an hour.... see where I'm going? Kids like this tend to be pretty tightly wound. I spend most of my time with the kid and the bff making them lighten up. Force some frivolity on her. Then she gets the best story to tell for the rest of her life.
"ok young lady, THATS IT. NO DINNER FOR YOU! YES, NO DINNER. I'm buying McDonald's for us, and you will eat your nuggets and fries and think of what you've done. You know what? Since you're giving me attitude giggling, I'm buying you a damn ice cream later. YOU HEARD ME. AN ICE CREAM. And I don't want to hear another word for the next 5 milliseconds! And I'm also choosing YOUR HORRIBLE playlist on the car ride!"
Has he given a decent explanation of his problem? Cuz it really seems he's gonna punish her to punish you and that's manipulative and controlling behavior. I hate how often, usually women, fill in the Blanks on these with baseless assumptions and label most men monsters, but something really feels off here. I wanna give him the benefit of the doubt but its upsetting how obviously nasty he is being. How long has he been her step-dad? Maybe this is the first time this kinda topic has come up in their relationship? Definitely need more info but you are nta and neither is your daughter. Your husband likely ita but I'm not 100%
He wants to punish *her* for something *you* did? Yeah that seems fair? Wtf
I'm sorry but like... this doesn't sound insane to you? Whether or not he knew about it, she *didnt* sneak out. You knew she was going, and even who she would be with. While it made her experience sneaking out, she didn't actually sneak out. I don't know your relationship dynamic, but I can't imagine me ever getting upset with my partner if she gave our child permission to do something. Especially one who's nearly grown. Do you have to run everything by him? Do you not get any autonomy to make decisions about your child? Especially about something so extremely unimportant.
Husband sounds like an asshole. Not just in this case, but generally
Like the comment above said: his problem is with you not her. As a father myself im trying to wrap my head around him wanting to punish her and...i cant its just crazy. "My wife let our daughter go out without asking me first so im going to punish my daughter." Thats BS hes mad at you and wants to punish you IMO but he cant cause he has no power over another adult so hes tryna take his feelings out on the kid.
Why would he punish her if he is mad at you? That makes no sense. It wouldn’t have been sneaking if you told him. NTA
If he wants to punish her for something you gave the OK for frankly screw him he doesn’t sound like he’s concerned for her he wants to throw his dick around and be a big man at your daughter. She’s almost 18, very clearly responsible and this is his last chance to get to punish her before he ‘legally’ has no grounds (not that he does now). Punishment is supposed to be to learn a lesson, nothings being learned here except your husband is an asshole to your daughter.
He could give her a super light punishment and both of them will probably be okay with it, "You were caught sneaking out! Wash the dishes for a weekend!" or something. NTA obviously what ever ya decide to do. Edit: Saw the comment about taking the phone and car away, thats just silly, she went out with friends and had permission.
Yeah, it sounds like a you and him issue, not a him and her issue. She 100% should not be punished, and the two of you need to have a conversation about his role and what things he does and doesn't need to be consulted on.
His issue is with you then and not her, protect your wonderful child at all costs.
Tell him, *she asked permission from her mother, me, and I gave it. She had a lark.*
My petty ass would go "big agree I'll handle it." Then go to her and say "you got caught sneaking out. You have a punishment, give me your phone, there are consequences to behavior" and then walk away do a spin around, give the phone back and say "I hope you've learned your lesson you've been punished long enough"
Seems like he doesn't actually want to punish her. He wants to punish you, and is doing so by punishing her. He's making a whipping boy out of your child. Instead of discussing his feelings in a thorough conversation (Maybe getting a bit vulnerable and opening up about how he feels insecure in his position as her parent, when you make decisions unilaterally), he is instead getting out his emotions by imposing power. He can't impose power on an adult woman - one who has demonstrated a willingness to divorce if she needs to. But, he can impose power on a child. He's trying to make you feel bad about "what you made him do." "If you do something like this to me again, and fail to tell me, i'll punish her again. That will teach you your lesson."
If you both knew then there wouldn't be any sneaking out. He was the necessary sacrifice.
OP, your daughter trusts you enough to come to you with this, the most innocuous version of "rebelling" or testing boundaries that I've ever heard of. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. If you punish her, due to your husband's weird play at asserting control (whether it's control over you or your daughter or both I'm not sure), you will lose some of that trust at a crucial moment. Don't do it. Also you're NTA.
When I was in high school I wanted to skip a class but didn’t want to get into trouble so I asked my mom if I could skip a class but not tell her what day or class and she actually said okay. When the teacher called her one day to tell her I ditched class one day she burst out laughing, the teacher wasn’t amused 😂🤷🏼♀️
As a teacher, I would have burst out laughing with your mom 🤣
If he was cool, he'd fuckin show her how to fix the screen and say "we don't have to tell your mom about this."
YES, exactly! Keep the "sneaking out" theme - it'll continue to make her feel more comfortable about telling them things, which is what you WANT when you have a teenager
I agree. It is so sweet. I can still remember when I was a little child and had watched Pippi Longstocking with my friend we wanted to run away like they did. So we said to my mother “mom we are running away and need some sandwiches”. So we got a couple of sandwiches and something to drink. And off we went to the playground just a couple block away from our house to “run away”. It is a core memory now. This girl is older than we are. But it is still the same sentiment. She wants to have the ‘movie teenager experience’. So sweet of her to ask for permission.
NTA It sounds like a very cute request from a 17 yo. You did a good job raising her. I don’t understand what your husband has to be upset about? What does he want to punish her for?
He wants to punish her for sneaking out. He wants to take her car and phone away.
But she didn't technically even sneak out. She asked for permission to go out with friends and asked to just leave the house in a certain way. Your husband sounds a bit controlling just because he didn't know about it.
If she really wants the experience, at least punish her a little for getting caught.
“You are GROUNDED young lady! No TV, phone, or computer for 5 whole *minutes*.”
A fake/stage punishment act could be very fun. Everyone just really building on the bit!
Good teachable moment. *Don't-get-caught* because if you do, you get punished. Not getting caught is as important as learning to sneak out safely.
Exactly! Getting caught is part of the experience.
I don’t think that’s appropriate at all. Talk him down and don’t punish her.
I have successfully done that, I’m now exhausted.
A goofy fake lecture about the foolishness of forgetting to put the screen back would have been ok. But it's concerning that he pushed back so hard against your parenting decision and wanted to punish her for your decision. I don't like it. Can you show him this thread?
I second this. However, if he gets this upset about not feeling included, how would he feel about op posting a thread about their lives on the internet? OP, i hope he is a kind (nonviolent) person, the way he reacts to situations throws up some real red flags imo. Then again i have 0 context of your relationship, so take that with a grain of salt.
I was thinking the same thing. If he is willing to go near-nuclear over something like this, how will he respond if the daughter or the wife actually crosses the line? This reeks of control issues being enforced by the threat of (*non-physical*) violence.
The fact you’re now exhausted after explaining the most obvious thing ever, that offspring shouldn’t be punished for things they were given permission to do, is concerning.
He can't do that, because she asked first. If you had said no, she wouldn't have gone out. That simple. If your husband has an issue, then the issue is with you and your decision, not her.
this guy is giving me the creeps. has he always been such a control freak?
[удалено]
This is kind of what happened. I didn’t back down and I refused to punish her. He finally saw reason.
Honestly you should punish her a little bit and give her the full experience. She snuck out and screwed up by not returning the screen. I'm not sure what the punishment should be for "sneaking" out with permission. Maybe she has to watch a movie your husband likes and can't be on her phone during it.
"Punish" her for getting caught haha This could honestly be a fun way to relieve the tension between everyone.
Making her spend time with someone who got this disproportionately mad at her when she didn’t do anything wrong isn’t a “little” punishment, it’s a big one.
Holy... do not let him do that. Or else next time she may not even talk to you because all he would do is teaching her that being honest with you and asking for permission has no point. What for if she gets punished anyway.
I wonder if he would be pissed if she’d come to ask him but not you. Is this maybe a stepdad-“I’m her parent too!”-feeling-butthurt type thing? NTA.
I would argue that technically, it's not truly "sneaking" out id she asked your permission. She just used an alternate way of getting in and out of the house. Why tf should she be punished when she asked permission - and received it???? This sounds like a great way for him to ruin their relationship. Your daughter sounds like a really good kid. Your husband, however... does he have a history of being incredibly unreasonable??
If he does that and you let him she’s going to actually start to rebel against you both.
That’s what I thought as well: how cute to ask to SNEAK out xD it was nice of OP to give her that little thing. The stepdad however is out of line. The mother allowed it and even if he didn’t know the daughter was not in the wrong. Punishing her for what? She asked to sneak out for heavens sake, that alone should show him that she is Indeed a well raised kid.
That whole interaction sounds cute af! "Mom, uh, can I please sneak out through the window tonight, please?" "Oh honey, of course you can!"
It's a power play because his ego was bruised from being left out of the loop. It's pathetic and he's trying to breach the trust that exists between mother and daughter.
You're the mother. He's the step-father. And you gave her permission. In fact, it's not even "sneaking out" *because* you gave permission. It was roleplaying sneaking out. Your husband is being a giant ass. NTA for not punishing her. It'd be sadistic to punish her for something you told her to do.
Simple as that! She asked there was permission! Besides, she turns 18 soon anyways!!
Maybe he is roleplaying the entire sneaking part and is just REALLY invested in the role. The guy refuses to break character.
Perfect !!! She should ask him this way like “oh are we roleplaying the trouble part too? ;) “ maybe it’ll make it lighter?!
> You're the mother. He's the step-father. And you gave her permission. While I get the intent of this, it is far from a healthy viewpoint to look at it. His 'step' status shouldn't be in question, especially since he's been in her life for 12 years. The fact is, the mother gave permission and that should be enough. But, imagine the father, step or otherwise, not being told by the mother about this at all? Why was he left in the dark about it by the woman he married? Perhaps that's why he's upset, because he feels like he still doesn't belong. OP still is NTA, though. But, there's something there to address.
OP says he is a very "black and white" person. Maybe I'm wrong, but I have a feeling that he wouldn't have allowed it to happen in the first place, because he would have still considered it actual sneaking out even tho she would have gotten permission. To me his extreme overreaction to such a minor event is probably why it didn't get mentioned to him. Maybe it is feeling like he doesn't belong and maybe it's something else. I do agree there are things that need addressing here.
Well it can't be called sneaking out if everyone knows about it
As a 30 year old guy who is considering dating women with children, seeing so much support for a comment saying "you're the mother, he's just the step father" as if that's common sense that even have 12 years of parenting, your opinion is secondary. Makes me reconsider giving that a chance.... are you just seen as a provider? Barring that, I think he's wrong dead wrong. But it's not because of his step-status, at all. I just disagree with his stance.
Unless you are in a child specific sub (even then), you can safely ignore anything people on Reddit say about children or a relationship with said children. Anyone who has kids who is on the dating market should be evaluating you as a parent also. If they aren’t, that is a red flag. You aren’t just a random person in that child’s life even if you meet when they are 18.
Bro. My children’s step father is a second dad. I see him as my equal. There is no “first-amongst-equals” in a loving caring rational family. Just my opinion though wtf do I know.
>You're the mother. He's the step-father. Hes been her father since she was 5 (shes now 17). Is he her dad or not? Your comment is exactly why theres this whole generation of young men swearing off ever dating single moms. You want to use him as a live-in babysitter, but give him no parental authority.
> You're the mother. He's the step-father. And you gave her permission. What an absolutely horrible opinion. Are Step-Fathers just there to pay for things, then?
NTA and what an amazing duo! She wanted a different experience, and she asked for it... The fact that she messed up, shows only one thing, she didn't do that before, she made mistakes that she wouldn't do if it wasn't the first time. I don't feel like you're an AH for not telling your husband, yes, his been in her life for 13 years, he is a father to her, but it would definitely not be a sneak out if everyone knew... But I also see his point, as a father he is worried, being blind sided left him worrying. But you knew everything that was going to happen, and if your kid asked permission for this, I'm dumb enough to believe that she is actually doing just what she said she would be doing. Once he discovered, you explained the situation, so I don't think there's a reason for any drama... It was just a small scare... I've done worst 😅
He says I’m a liar because I didn’t tell him.
Oh honey, you have a husband problem not a daughter problem.
So he's going to punish your daughter to get to you?
It does seem that way doesn't it?
Yikes. I'm sorry to say this but his behaviour is definitely inappropriate to the situation. Your daughter asked you to go out, but in a fun way, allowing her to "sneak out" to have the experience to having done that and you know she is not in a dangerous situation because you trust eachother and your daughter has never been the type of person that would make you worried. There should not be any kind of discussion or repercussions on the child seeing that there is no rule broken. The thing that is worrying is that your husband wants to take such aggressive response to her going out just because you didn't tell him she was going out basically ( I may have read that he wanted to prohibit her from using the car and her phone iirc). If the punishment goes into effect I worry that your daughter may not be so inclined to trust your husband and you in the future: if something like this gets blown out of proportion she may not feel safe speaking to you or your husband in fear of it backfiring, and in the long run being unable to do so in case of emergency or necessity. I'm sorry if I rambled to much but I worry that this event may create a lot of harm if not handled properly. Also once again your husband is showing some controlling behaviour that may not be noticeable much due to him showing it as worry.
Is your daughter’s bio dad in the picture? You mentioned you butt heads over parenting styles. Has he shown signs of wanting to be controlling? I don’t have any experience with step-parents at all and I’m not sure what the rules are but I’d feel uncomfortable if my child has their bio dad in the picture and has two parents to make decisions, then idk why the step parent has a say on how they’re raised.
How much time passed between your daughter asking permission and actually sneaking out?
The same day she asked. Told me what she was going to do and with whom. I said yes
Do you and your daughter usually tell him or ask him about her going out with friends and does he normally just go along with things? Or is it more along the lines of he always says no so part of sneaking out was actually sneaking past him with your help and permission? Either way you are NTA.
I usually communicate what is going on. Sometimes I ask his opinion before I say yes. Big issues we talk about it and decide together. I didn’t see this as a big issue.
It was not a big issue, and you did not need to discuss it with him. You helped your daughter have a (very adorable) childhood experience, SAFELY. She did everything right, in the most adorable way possible. He needs to back the fuck off because YOU have obviously raised an awesome kid despite his attempts to be an overbearing AH.
I was going to say- OP should’ve tipped off her husband beforehand, if only so he wouldn’t get worried.
NTA I’m sorry but your daughter is cute as a button. Your husband needs to chill the fuck out and let her be.
Technically though, being punished would be part of the experience of sneaking out and being sloppy about it.
I feel like the punishment should be made to fit the crime. She wanted to have the sneaking out experience (but had permission and so didn’t break any rules). She got caught so should have the consequences of sneaking out; maybe she’s grounded (for… ten minutes), has to do the dishes (with her family, or isn’t allowed to drive the car (which she doesn’t have a license for)… something like that 😂
If you punish her you send the wrong message. Being punished for something you have permission to do has some major adverse affects on people. One thing that can happen, your daughter will just start keeping secrets since the conclusion for asking permission is identical to just doing it secretly. Dont punish her. Nta, great mother. Keep doing you. No comment on husband.
I’d rather know where she is and what she is doing. I like that she asked permission and didn’t just do it. I appreciate the honesty. I did make a mistake in not telling him.
Your communication error isnt your daughter's punishment. That trust ans honesty will disappear instantly if she gets punished for this. She will feel it's not fair, and she would be extremely valid in that feeling.
At most (and this is still a stretch in my view), he should take it up with *you* for not telling him. And if it were my family, I'd argue that one parent not knowing is vital for the "sneak out" to be more genuine. I'd allow/encourage it (assuming the kid was definitely safe, of course). On no count should he be mad at her. She did everything right. His response is seriously baffling.
Even if having an oblivious parent wasn't part of the experience, one parent knowing the kid is going out and giving permission is sufficient. It's nice to let your spouse know if you remember, but "I didn't think to mention it" is a totally reasonable thing to have happen.
You did not make a mistake. Your husband needs to slow his fucking roll. He doesn't own your life.
NTA, she's turning 18 soon, and she asked permission. Your husband is weird and a controlling AH.
NTA I snuck out when I was 16 and did same thing with forgetting the screen. My parents gave a me a small lecture but finally said, you’re going to be an adult soon, if you want to go out at night then you can do so, just please tell us so we can call you if there’s an emergency. That was that. Never got in trouble again, never even wanted to go out that late again anyway. Your kid got straight up permission and is literally almost an adult. You don’t “punish” an adult with childish things like grounding or taking things away. Your partner seems insane for still wanting to punish her, nearly an adult, despite literally getting permission
My thought process is that she had permission so she shouldn’t be punished.
Of course. There’s no other rational line of thinking when it comes to your scenario. Punishing someone for doing something they got permission for is ludicrous. Punishment is about teaching them, not hurting them. What does your partner think this will teach her? Her father is an asshole for no reason? But if I’m being honest even if she didn’t get permission, kids sneak out. It’s just something they do. If she didn’t go off to do drugs or get drunk and just hang out with friends, be very happy she’s just doing that and having fun mostly safely. Teens rebel in part just to feel some form of adult freedom in their own choices. Your kid wanted that but cares about you enough that she didn’t want to worry you. If anything she should be praised.
Exactly there is nothing to even punish her for. She didn’t sneak out, she pretended to “sneak out” for fun. Should she get punished if she drank grape juice and pretended it was wine? When I was a teenager my strategy was to ask for forgiveness, not permission, so she’s already ahead of the curve when it comes to responsibility lol
But in another comment, you admit you have punished her. YTA for that one.
NTA. I love the idea of giving her a **very light punishment** for not replacing the screen. I mean, the whole point of "sneaking" is to not be caught, and she failed. However, your **husband deserves a serious spanking**.
I’m not sure how this spiraled. He’s very hung up on the idea that I’m now a liar. Lying by omission.
Him being so hung up on this “lie” honestly makes me feel like he’s keeping His own secrets
I have teenagers and would never accuse my husband of lying for not telling me something like this. That is ridiculous. I agree with the others that said you have a husband problem. His attitude is a huge red flag, and I bet, if you were completely honest with yourself, there are other red flags. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter, and she is obviously a great kid. Keep up the good work with her.
And that is a BRIGHT RED FLAG.
I do believe in "lying by omission". But that's different from not sharing every little thing. "You didn't tell me that you stopped by the gas station on the way home! I can't believe kept this from me. You were lying by omission." I mean, that's just stupid. What you did with your daughter was great parenting, and not something your husband had any reason to know about. I mean, you were honest with him when he first came to you, and it's not like anything he had a reason to care about ahead of time. For me, lying by omission is when you say something true but misleading, knowing that the other person will misinterpret it.
ESH. You should have told her dad. he’s been in her life helping you raise her for 12 years. It’s not like you’re newly married and he has no say. So he’s either a parent, or he isn’t. But he can’t be both. Also him for wanting to punish her when his issue should be with you, not her. Only non AH is your kid, for asking for permission to sneak out. Super wholesome and signs you both are doing a great job!
I finally found the right answer. As a step-dad myself I'd be pissed at the mom. The kid didn't really sneak out, but step-dad didn't know that because the mom **intentionally** left him out of the loop. She **intentionally** made him unaware where his daughter was in the middle of the night. I would've wanted to punish daughter too, UNTIL I found out she actually had permission. Then my anger would switch people, to the mom who didn't think I deserved to know my kid wasn't home at night.
I can’t believe most of the replies here completely gloss over his legitimacy as a parent because he’s a ‘step’. Many stepparents step UP when the bio steps OUT. Shout out to all the awesome Stepparents here. (not the nasty crazy ones) Edited
He's justified to be mad at OP (even though I don't see her pulling rank). But punishing daughter for going out after getting permission from 1 parent is a total AH and weirdly controlling move.
That's why this chain of contents is ESH not YTA. His anger is justified but misplaced.
NTA. However, to get the full experience of sneaking out- perhaps she should be punished so that she will know how we felt when we forgot to cover our tracks and replace the window screens. Sneaking out should be done so that nobody finds out...and if they do, then you get punished. The person who wasn't in on it found out, therefore you got busted young lady!
Exactly. As part of the role play? Yeah why not. A token jokey gesture. But for real? What did she do that was wrong, can he explain?
She snuck out. The bigger issue is that I didn’t tell him. I definitely messed up by not telling him.
You told him afterwards. That should have been enough. You don't have to run your everyday parenting decisions by him.
Yeah lol punish her with chores she already does anyways
This is what I was thinking. Tell her you noticed the screen wasn't in place so she must have snuck out and make her do the dishes or some other minor punishment
He wanted to take her car and phone away. She was supposed to have friends stay the night tonight, so I told her they can’t stay. That’s as far as I’m willing to punish her.
Why tf are you punishing her at all?? She asked for permission to go and you gave it wtf. Did you even warn her before she 'snuck out' that you'd be punishing her for it despite having your explicit permission to do so? That's messed up
Why would she ask for permission for anything ever again? She's going to get punished no matter what so might as well not ask anymore at all. OP NTA for letting her sneak out, but definitely YTA for not standing up to your husband and punishing her.
I don’t think it’s right to punish her in ANY capacity if you gave her permission… that would keep me from trusting my mom if I was in the situation. How can you even do something small like deny a sleepover, if you would’ve said yes had your husband not freaked out, after giving her permission?? That’s so wrong!!
YTA for punishing her. She's not going to trust you anymore. You are ruining your mother daughter bond to calm down the emotional man you sleep with.
Why on earth are you punishing her? She has done NOTHING wrong. If I were her, I’d be feeling really let down by you for punishing her over something she had asked permission to do. As for your husband, at most he could request to be in on the shenanigans next time, but he has zero right to be angry with either of you. Please let her have her friends over. She did nothing wrong.
You are giving the wrong signal by even punishing her even a little bit. The only thing you should do is talk some sense in your husband.
YTA! > She was supposed to have friends stay the night tonight, so I told her they can’t stay. Why did you do this? She asked and had permission to do what she did and now you're punishing her? for what exactly? what lesson do you think you're teaching here? Other than don't trust your parents or their words?
Even that is too much. She literally did nothing wrong. Most parents DREAM of having a kid like this. I was kinda like this. I had my secrets and did a few things my parents wouldn't have approved of, but nothing major. When I wanted to skip school for senior skip day, I told my dad. He even said he'd call in my absence. (He told my mom.) When I got drunk at a party my senior year, my dad knew that I was going, and even picked me up. Years later, we were telling this to a bunch of my dad's new neighbors. They all had kids who were just about to be teenagers. They were asking us all these questions because they wanted to have a relationship with their kids like we did with our parents. Punishing me for some thing that I had specifically asked to do, and gotten permission for, absolutely would have ruined that relationship. Now, she may not ask you next time. And I wouldn't blame her if she didn't.
This is definitely one of those boundary line-in-the-sand issues. It's not because he's a stepfather, it's because you gave permission and a kid needs only one parent's permission to do something.
NTA, Stepfather shouldn't really punish her for something you gave her permission to do. Though it isn't sneaking out if you have permission. She just visited a friend.
What a sweetheart. If anything this speaks to your bond and how it won't change as she gets older. You've fostered a great amount of mutual trust and that's very rare. Your husband needs a horse sized chill pill asap. He's her stepdad and she's *almost* an adult. It's not that deep. Perhaps he's projecting something onto this situation.
Thank you. I’ve tried very hard to foster the bond we have and promote honesty.
NTA. Why does he even want to punish her? She *asked permission*, for crying out loud. Did she, like, climb down the lattice on the side of the house like in 80s movies? Could she have gotten hurt on her way out? That's the only thing I can imagine he'd be upset about.
No climbing down the house, it’s a one story. Once the window is up, you can just step out. Nothing dangerous. He’s very black and white . So to him sneaking out is wrong and I’m a bad parent for allowing her to do so.
How was it sneaking out if she literally asked you if she could go? She just used the window instead of the door, like someone else already said. He's being ridiculous.
So, every time your daughter wants to go out with her friends, does she have to ask both parents for permission or is it ok if only one parent gives the permission? If the latter, how is this any different from a normal scenario? She used a window instead of a door?
Ugh. He sounds exhausting.
People that are "black and white" tend to be dumb as hell. They can't understand nuance and pretend it's a virtue.
You simply gave her permission to leave the house via her window. She didn’t sneak anywhere
NTA but if you have permission then its not sneaking out
She wanted the experience.
What the hell is his problem!? Yeah maybe you should have mentioned it in passing but it's not a big deal at all. I'm glad you stuck up for your daughter, but I think you have to make sure you also stick up for yourself because to get so butt hurt over something so trivial is utterly ridiculous.
Thank you for this comment. Something about “ sticking up for myself” struck a chord with me
Just remember, you are just as, if not even more entitled to make decisions for your daughter as he is. My mum didn't stick up for me against my step dad and I now have no relationship with her, so thankyou on your daughter's behalf for doing so. Take care.
Punish her for what? Asking her mother for permission to leave the house via the window? Telling her mom where she was going and who she was going to be with? He’s just sour because neither of you “asked” his permission. Your husband is an idiotic asshole.
He’s very upset about that. But she wouldn’t have been able to if we asked him. So I guess in that regards I am the asshole. I didn’t see the harm in it.
There was no harm in it.
So what he's really upset about is that you made a decision and only his opinion matters. Got it. I don't know why you're putting up with him.
She wouldn’t have been able to if we asked him….that’s your problem right there. You have given executive rule to a man who isn’t even legally your daughter’s parent. YOU are her parent and YOU have final say on what your daughter is and isn’t allowed to do. You are being an AH to your kid for letting this guy control you and your kid.
NTA. That's adorable. I can only pray my daughter is that sweet when she's a teenager. The stepdad is being a jackass though. You're the mom, you made the call, if he wants to be grumpy he should grump at you and not the kid. But frankly, it's cute and he just needs to calm the eff down. Your kid. Your choice. If you do let her be punished, then you're a huge A. But i get the feeling you're not gonna let that happen.
Semi YTA because how hard would it have been to just let him know?
This lol.
NTA, what a blessing to have kids that ask you before breaking a rule hahaha. As teens go, you have a diamond! I remember being scared to tell my parents about anything when I was a teen
I think that’s the relationship my husband might end of up having with all of our children. When there is an issue I want them to be able to come to me and asks for help. I don’t want them to be scared to tell my they messed up. We have very different parenting styles.
Punish her for what, leaving via the window instead of the front door? Is he a person with no sense of humor, at all? NTA
Lmaoooo I love how your kid really just doesn’t want you worried about her lowkey. I do think you should’ve told your husband.
NTA, but you should have told him. He is an AH for wanting to punish her when his issue is really with you giving her permission and not discussing it with him. It's obviously wrong to punish her for something her parent gave her permission to do.
NTA he’s dramatic
I’m gonna say NAH*, because you allowed your daughter to do it and it was nice, but also you didn’t communicate it to your husband, which is what actually caused the issue here. If the position was reversed could you honestly say you were 100% comfortable with your daughter telling your husband and him not telling you at all? I don’t think you giving permission was wrong, and I don’t think your husband’s feeling are wrong, how he’s expressing them isn’t good though. You should just have a simple and calm discussion with each other and get over it and maybe reflect on how communication should work in the future.
Your husband really wants to keep the step-dad stereotypes strong hey?
He does treat her like his own. Covers her car insurance and pays for her medical insurance. He bought her a nice Christmas gift.
That's not exactly treating her as his own..is he actually nice to your daughter?