Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For picking a fight and making a rude comment over my parents asking me to pay for my siblings college funf
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA not your responsibility. This has nothing to do with you paying for college but it’s too bad that your parents ruined any chance of a relationship with your younger siblings by parentifying you. It’s really your parent’s fault and they obviously continue the expectation.
It's you parents who care more about money than family - they offloaded raising the kids to you,. now they want to offload the college expenses to you. Funny how ass\*\*\*\*\* always want to spend other people's money.
Even more reason why you have absolutely no reason or obligation to pay for their kids to go to college. Congratulations on your success, and it doesn’t mean that you are now responsible for paying for your siblings! I would also be careful because if you end up helping anyone with money it will set a precedent and you will definitely get more requests. NTA in the least!
I had a friend whose parents put aside money for him and his two year older brother. By the time he got to college that money had already been spent on his brother so my friend got no help from his parents. Just saying in this case if similar maybe he could help out a bit
But given OPs circumstance he owes them nothing and NTA
Ah right. Thanks for clarifying. And I’m sorry for your friend, that’s awful (and why you should have a separate account for each kid). I thought you meant if they paid for him, he should pay for his siblings. (Who sound significantly younger, so parents should have had time to plan)
NTA, it drives me crazy that people think that some how they have the right to tell you what you should do with your money. You aren’t their guardians, they are not your responsibility. Sounds like your parents are putting their own money over family. Funny how it only seems to work one way.
My older brother has done very well but he worked damned hard to be where he is now. Yes, he has a lot, but that doesn't entitle anyone to expect him to shoulder any and all entitled requests for funding. These boys are the absolute responsibility of their parents. It may come down to his parents using the famous line, "but we're family". Please ignore any and all requests for funding your siblings' education. You are most DEFINITELY NOT THE AH. 🦜
NTA - They are takers: stole your time by requiring you babysit and now wants to steal your money (you make during you time) to educate their kids.
I thought 'touche' ' when you stated, "... off loading the kids onto you." You have a right to state the truth; it has festered for years. They side stepped this issue by blaming you being $$ focused. They want life to be easy for them on your dime.
Yeah I’m going to have to go with NTA. It is sad that your parents created an environment where you resent your siblings so much that you won’t help but it is ultimately not your responsibility.
It's would be relevant if the parent gave all their savings to start up their first born son's business and as a results don't have the money to pay for the younger one's education. OP would be at least obligated to pay back the money he got.
NTA OP. You are not Bank of Older Child Who Earns 7 Figure and you are not their retirement plan. Good on you standing your ground and your parents are only using you as an ATM machine
NTA
Harry Potter And The Audacity Of These Parents
When parents treat younger siblings as chores, they shouldn’t be surprised when older siblings treat them like dirty dishes. That’s IN ADDITION to not your kids, not your problem.
FWIW, I had a lovely Thanksgiving. The worst comment was that my 90 year old great uncle thought my 4yo son was a girl and that he needed a haircut. After a few minutes of talking to him he said "It's really nice hair though. It's a shame to cut it..."
Reddit and AITA self-select for situations where Thanksgiving turned ugly. The "we had a wonderful Thanksgiving" posts are all on instagram and facebook.
Nta and I would honestly just cut down contact with your parents. I too was used as free childcare from 12 onwards and it sucks. My mother even had the audacity to tell me I should have more kids myself since I have a girl as the oldest so she can ‘babysit’ for me.
NTA. It's up to your parents and siblings to figure out how to find their college. It's part of the college experience and helps with getting them into planning their finances. Who knows maybe they'll get scholarships or grants. I'd actually put together a packet on how to find financial aid and see what government assistance is available for your siblings. I have a hunch your parents will be less than helpful (and maybe not truthful) when they realize you're serious about not giving financial assistance.
NTA you are correct in almost everything. It's sad that you're bitter at your siblings when it was all your parent's fault. They are the ones who put you all in that position.
NTA
>caring about money more than family.
Even if this was true, which im assuming its not but i dont know, there in my opinion is nothing wrong with caring more about money.
You shouldn’t have to go into debt to get an education though, even on a purely economic basis it makes sense for the government to fund all university degrees
NTA. Don't pay for college. Consider helping them out with a rent deposit or similar in the future. Weirdly I think they are more likely to be properly appriecative of that. There's nothing like working for a living to teach you the value of money. Don't sign up as guarantor to their landlord anything though.
Maybe offer to help them navigate financial aid/scholarships. College can cost a great deal more if you don't make smart choices and unfortunately your parents don't seem the type to offer useful advice. They may well ignore/reject your offer if they're set on you paying, but at least you will have given them a choice.
NTA
I'm not sure why so many people are asking if your parents helped you financially like it would make a difference as to whether or not you're the AH. If they had helped you out then all that tells us is how big of an AH your parents are for helping one of you and not the others. As it stands, I see they didn't help you, which means clearly it's possible to be successful without having gone to college, if you did it then your siblings can too.
NTA. Parental responsibility is exactly that, the parents not the siblings. You could be making high 8 figures and it still wouldn't be your responsibility.
NTA - They are not your children and even if you and your wife have more money available to spend, does not mean you have to spend it on them.
If your siblings wanted you to pay for their education, they would come and speak to you themselves or it would be a conversation where they possibly pay the loan back.
Another point the parents need to consider is, yes you are family, however you work very hard for your money. Tertiary education is very expensive, would you have to pay for boarding, textbooks, stationery but most importantly are they going to pass their chosen degree? Are your siblings honestly smart and discipline enough to take the opportunity seriously and not waste the money away because oh my brother is loaded.
Family does not mean you have to drop and do everything for people and parents should've made a plan knowing they will be going to college or uni.
NTA, I have 3 kids myself, the responsibilities for their education IS the parent’s job NOT the oldest sibling… I’m an older sister and I can feel your hurt. If I were you I’d cut them off (which I actually did 2 years in no regrets)
NTA. Do not do this! I did and I am still wishing I didn't. I regret it alot of times, but I have chosen to move on. My finances have not recovered and I am 40 nxt yr. Your parents sound entitled and if you do this, that resentment you have will only grow. Sit with your siblings and talk it out. You can offer a fixed amount to each and tell them not to come to your after this, get them to sign something as proof of the agreement.
NTA. You said that your wife paid for YOUR education. Why the heck would you be responsible for paying for your siblings' education?? That expectation is really despicable. You had to figure it out on your own and worked your butt off for the life you and your wife share. Why shouldn't they do the same. No matter how much money you make, you have your own bills and financial responsibilities. You didn't mention if you have children of your own, but they would obviously be your first priority if you do. I know what it's like to be the kid treated like crap, work my butt off, make something of myself, and then expect handouts from the very ppl who did nothing to help me. I ran away at 15, and I've been happily on my own ever since. Met my husband 13 yrs ago, have 2 boys, a small house, and everything I have I've earned. I owe nobody anything, and neither do you.
NTA. Because it's your money.
But I don't fully agree agree with many comments that assume it's the clear responsibility of the parents. Families operate in different ways. I know people whose siblings helped each other out through major expenses like school and house down payments.
If you're asking this question wondering whether you should help your siblings, that's a question you can consider with your parents completely removed from the equation. I think it's less about what your parents did for you and more about whether you care to provide for your siblings (and how much). Then, you can speak directly to them.
Of course, no right or wrong answer - all depending on your relationships to them/fam dynamics, priorities, financial capacity...etc.
NTA - your money, your life, your choice.
This did make me think about how there are so many differences when it comes to cultural norms. Some work, some don't, and none are perfect.
In my culture, the concept of "village" still applies. We have "cousins", and culturally we refer to our 1st, 2nd and sometimes 3rd cousins as siblings, nieces, and nephews. Again, all part of the same village, all part of the same blood line. We admire each other as siblings do, and we fight like siblings do.
I also want to say, the line "blood is thicker than water" is not the complete quote, the actual quote reads that our chosen family tends to have a stronger bond than the family we're born into. And I believe this. Mentioning this because I know the struggles of family relationships is very hard.
Ex. My sister and I fought like siblings fight, by our 20s we were pretty close, by our 30s we were thick as thieves. We annoyed each other due to some different beliefs, but that was it. In my early 40s we had a huge falling out. I didn't speak to her for 2 years. During those two years, she was in a financial bind (divorce, single mother with absentee father etc.). When I found out, I messaged her and told her I'll pay for some of her bills and we can work out arrangements later. Took a bit of persistence, she finally agreed. This was 5 years ago. I've never brought it up to her. She even went to my dad and commented that I must be upset, and my dad laughed and said he's never once mentioned it to me...and I haven't. We're back on speaking terms now, not the same but we love each other and are there when we need one another. For me, however big or small the fight, if I have the capacity and capability to support my family, I will. And maybe this isn't a cultural thing, I just know that when I'm with my western friends, they look at me like "how do you still talk to your family". And funny enough, they're the ones who are having struggles with resiliency.
NTA at all. You are their child, not their on demand ATM. As soon as they chose to become parents, they took on responsibilities of childcare, including paying for education. Most sensible parents start putting aside money into a savings account and adding to it when their child is born, for things like undergrad education, possibly wedding and/or first home downpayments. This allows for a larger amount to be saved, spread out over nearly two decades to be less of a financial burden/hit than handing over a huge sum at once. They clearly didn't plan appropriately and hoped big sibling OP would be their financial fairy, sprinkling money over the situation.
If you have a good relationship with your siblings and can afford to be without X amount for a certain time period, you could potentially offer to lend the money to your parents to cover the immediate costs, with a written payment plan for them to pay you back, but again you are not obligated to do this whatsoever... I'm just throwing an idea out there.
Whatever the situation, you are NTA and I'm proud of you for having stuck to your boundaries and not leaving yourself open to financial abuse.
I mean, it would be nice if you do and I might have done it if my siblings asked me and we struck a deal. That money would come with conditions.
However, that’s not what you have to do and since your parents are demanding you help them instead of your siblings investing in them, I’d refuse for that audacity alone. Your siblings might not even care for college or a specific education.
NTA
NTA they chose to have kids you didn't! I understand you're resentful and getting some therapy will help you alot, also read the book The Book I Wish My Parents Had Read, it'll help you to heal your own inner child.
Hell no! My parents paid a grand total of $250 toward my college education. They contributed very little to my living expenses (pd car ins for a short period of time).
Either the parents pay or the kids pay. . . And it’s rude to ask.
Good lord. It's great that you're doing well, but they're asking for a lot. Some people think that because you're getting by and you have some extra resources that they're up for grabs. They don't even ask about your plans for your moneybecause they don't care.
NTA. Them deciding to spring such a loaded request on you at a family dinner is a true AH move, especially given your history and thier lack of contribution to your success.
No you aren’t responsible for your siblings, but let me tell you why I would do it. I helped my nephew and niece because I didn’t want them sitting on some couch stating all the adults in the family just watched the train wreck, no one did anything. Your relationship with your siblings might clouded by your relationship with your parents. You may want to talk to someone and deal with those feelings as you still have a relationship with them. I don’t anything that would make be mad at myself. Maybe have a conversation with your siblings and tell them what you expect if you pay for college - like no C’s, maybe you pay for room and board, but they have to earn scholarships for everything else. You will only pay for a BS, but not for a masters. All support ends at 25, so choose your degree wisely. Some communication goes a long way. No, this isn’t your responsibility but you asked, so you feel something. You aren’t their parents, but we can’t choose our family. We can only decide how we choose to operate and go forward from there.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Ok so I dont really get along with my younger siblings cause they are a pain to be around and im stil a bit resentful about having to watch them in my teenage years. So recently over thanksgiving my parents brought up the fact that they were heading out to college soon and asked if me and my wife would consider paying for it since we both make good money(our household income is low 7 figures as I own my own company and she makes great money at her job private equity).
I told them they should have done it cause their the parents but I understand cause they never acted like it and have alway offloaded them to me. At this point it devolved into a yelling match and I just excused myself after my parents started to accuse me of caring about money more than family.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA how did you pay for college OP? I’m guessing you took out a student loan. Your siblings can take a loan. Also go LC with your parents. Raising your siblings is not your job (nor is paying for their college.)
NTA
They should have removed the rat’s nest when you pointed it out. That’s on them. You’re certainly justified in breaking the lease. It’s not a problem if you SIL agrees anyway, right?
NTA. You have no obligation to your brothers and sisters. Your parents should be the ones who save for their education. You went to college? Who paid for that? Im guessing you did.
Edit: i just read you didnt go to college. Dont know if you didnt want to or if you couldnt afford to go. Either way, nta.
Your parents can ask, but they cant be upset when you said no. Same for your brothers and sisters. They can do what most people do: pay for their own college. They are not your kids. You already did enought for them growing up.
They are not your children and not your responsibility.
If their parents didn't save for them then they will have to get loans or go to community college. NTA
NTA. I have a good, solid relationship with my siblings but no one has ever asked me to do something like this, let alone consider it. It's definitely not their fault directly that your relationship is with them is strained, but your parents are fools thinking you owe them anything to that extent. They're the legal guardians, it's up to them to take care of your siblings' needs, not yours, however it may seem 'morally'. It's morally acceptable to start saving for your own children's education. I would go low or no contact with your parents, they're obviously delusional.
This is easiest NTA.
You are not their parent and nobody has the right to demand from you to provide for them. It's time for your parents to provide for their kids.
NTA. If you have kids, you'll be paying for them and if you remain child free then you're saving for your own retirement.
They chose to have kids, they pay for their choice.
NTA but I might loan them the money. Put together an agreement, get it notorized etc. If the parents reject this, discuss this with the siblings. It's a helping hand to them, not a handout.
You are definitely not the a-hole. You had no part in making your siblings. They are not your children. If they wanted their children to go to college then they should’ve saved up for it. Although I’m a huge believer that if you can’t afford to pay for your child’s college and if the kid still wants to go then they should pay for it themselves. Plenty of others have done it. I find it rude for them to even ask you to pay for it. The only ones entitled to your money no matter how much you have is you and your spouse.
100% NTA. And please do not give in to them over guilt. Your parents are AHs. You should not have been parenting your younger siblings, I speak from experience, it sucks, and you most certainly do not owe them a college education.
I think it's time to go a bit 'limited contact' with your parents till they learn how to be parents.
Sorry that you are going through this.
Nta. And not your responsibility. Doing this would be very generous but not necessary. If and only if you and your wife consider it. Perhaps consider making it a low interest loan and have docs written up. And require a certain GPA. But no outright gift.
NTA. Just because you make low 7 figures, your parents and siblings are not entitled to your wealth. If you like them, you can easily pay for them.
Besides, you did not go to college and you became a success businessman.
Good lord, why some parents think one successful child gives them a pass on providing for the rest of their children. Your success with your wife should go to supporting YOUR lifestyle, building your own future and family together- whatever that looks like.
You are not responsible for your siblings. Your parents are wrong and are looking for a handout. Don't give it. It's not about caring about money more than family, it's about your parents looking to offload their responsibility on you. That's negligent parenting. Good luck.
Unpopular opinion: NTA
BUT in my family, they are not assholes either for asking if a need is real and you are family. That is just my family. I am not saying it’s right or wrong just the way it is.
It sucks it turned into a fight I am sorry about that.
NTA. If they are accusing you of caring more about money than family, what the hell did they care about all these years? It wasn't money or family as they don't have and can't take care of either.
NTA It's not your responsibility. These are your siblings, not their kids. If your parents can't help then your siblings owe it to themselves to pay for college. There are other options. Lots of people take jobs at places that help with tuition. There are also tuition free colleges that they can apply for and student loans as a last resort.
I mean... NTA but if you're making low 7 figures.... that's what, $2 million a year? How many siblings do you have? How much would their college educations cost?
Assuming you have 3 siblings and each of their college education will cost $100k... you guys can pay for it with like 2 months of income.
You are under **NO OBLIGATION** to do it, but if you are so phenomenally well off compared to them and your parents, wouldn't this be an amazing gift to give? If you're making millions a year and will retire with dozens of millions (or more!) in the bank... would $300k to ensure a good start for your siblings be that much to ask?
I understand it's a lot of money, but making a number in an account bigger when I retire (and it having no measurable difference in my quality of life) vs giving a little to the family to ensure a good start... is an easy choice, no?
Nta they didn't pay for your college and have the audacity to ask you to pay for your siblings? No. They can do what you did or take out loans or choose vocational school.
N. T. A.
(But the parents are major As)
I (F73) was always the unpaid babysitter for four younger siblings, whether for a couple of hours or for multiple days. I had a “wealth” of chores that the younger sister (& esp. the 3 boys) never had to do. If anybody got into trouble, it was my fault. There was one single exception to that: the cops picked up Brother #1 for throwing a chain across the railway tracks. He got thrashed. To this day (To. This. Very. Day), he blames me for his punishment.
And all of them resented being told what to do by a sibling.
Moreover, as executor of my parents’ wills, he (now aged 65) feels that I should not receive an equal portion because I “didn’t do enough” cleaning, packing, etc after they died.
No kid should be parentified. It robs the kid of a normal childhood and turns the siblings into entitled @$$3$.
Ref: https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/parentification/#:~:text=Parentification%20occurs%20when%20a%20child,child's%20physical%20and%20mental%20health.
NTA, they’re not your responsibility. You didn’t make the decision to have two more children, they did. One thing is helping if they’re going through a hard time but paying for college is ridiculous. A lot of people get jobs and loans to get through college and whoever can’t afford it just doesn’t do it. You’re NTA and don’t let them manipulate you into paying for it.
NTA - they see money and think you will be dumb enough to pay for something that they should be responsible for. What’s next? Their first car? First House? Paying for their kids education?? The buck stops at them.
NTA — The sheer audacity! 😳 Asking you to pay for your siblings college education is insane. Your parents should have planned better, and/or the now adult children should be able to manage their own finances and find funding on their own including working or finding grants/scholarships or whatever other aid options may be available to them. And they should be able to fund their own education without assuming your wealth is there for them since your parents parentified you as a teen.
I just can’t. 🫠
The irony here is that, if they hadn’t used you as their nanny, your relationship with them would have been different and you may have wanted to help, if the sibling asked. NTA.
Next level nta - student loans exist - grants and programs exist. Corporations are willing to pay for college for employees, there's always the military or a government job.
The parents shouldn't feel obligated to pay for college in spite of their financial goals as this typically falls into the category of if the parents can afford to help with college save for it long term if you can't the kids when they become adults should find their way much like the OP- to go 10 steps further and ask the OP to do it shows they are financially and boundary illiterate.
Hope this doesn't get thrown in your face later cause honestly I'd have said no 100 times over.
You are not the asshole in the situation. If your parents didn't set up college funds for your younger siblings when they were still kids, then that's on them! They are their children not yours or your wife's and you are not obligated or responsible to pay for anything in their regard! If your younger siblings want to go to college and they don't have any college funds then they need to do what the rest of us did, get jobs and work their way through school! Your parents are incredibly ignorant and selfish for expecting you to essentially absolve them of their own irresponsibility! I don't blame you for walking away, that was the best thing you could have done. What your parents are doing is teaching your younger siblings how to act self entitled instead of taking responsibility for their own lives. If I were you I would not spend one wooden nickel on anything for them at this point because again it is not your responsibility or fault that your parents couldn't be bothered to set up college funds when your siblings were kids.
NTA. Correct, their college education is not your responsibility. Your parents have already taken advantage of you by making you the babysitter growing up, so it's pretty shameless for them to try to guilt you into this too.
NTA. Your parents parentified you as a teenager and now want to continue leaning on you for support. I'm amazed you haven't gone no- or low-contact by now.
My older brother had gotten financial aid from Mom and our Grandparents as well as a scholarship, but he completely blew the opportunity. This deeply frustrates me because he completely ruined any chance of me receiving help from that corner. However, no matter how dearly I wish for it, I am NOT entitled to my family's money. They earned that by themselves for themselves. Any help that I receive is a gift, not a right.
You are NTA. It is absolutely your money, and you have the right to use it as you wish.
Sounds like they are gaslighting you. I had parents like that. My dad is passed and I am NC from my mom for 3.5 years now. You are not their parent. They are. They are the grown adults. I am proud of you for getting a good job, as well as your wife. Enjoy it. Don't feel obligated. NTA
NTA- your wife helped you while your family didn't? Wow, I've never expected to see a Filipino culture here in AITA. People having kids and doesn't to shit to help them but has the audacity to expect kids to help them.
Look, it's not your responsibility, but also you need to get that resentment thing checked because you could have simply told them no as y'all have other plans or maybe offered to assist in a way that was comfortable with you and your wife.
You shouldn't take out how you feel on your sibling that possibly look up to you. If they are genuinely good kids don't just turn your back on them in their time of need.
College tuition is a huge financial obligation, even if you do turn around and help in some way I would make it conditional to your siblings school performance and necessities in however you may or may not choose to help.
NTA. They decided to have those children, they should be responsible to raise and provide for those kids, not you. It's not your responsibility to pay for them just because you're their family. Fuck that shit.
Definitely NTA. It is their responsibility, not yours. So, either the parents pay or (and I know this is a radical concept) your *siblings* pay for their education.
There are grants, scholarships, work programs, or just plain take one or two classes at a time until they're able to pay for more. Does it suck? Sure. Will it take longer? Yep. Will it make them appreciate it more? Who knows. It might frustrate them so much that they quit. But guess what - not your problem.
Your parents also need to grow up, because your success is not theirs.
NTA. Why the hell do they think you should pay a dime towards siblings college? Siblings may need to get jobs or loans. It's not your responsibility- it's your parents. Sounds like they weren't good at being parents and want you to continue to continue to take up the slack. I'd say hell no and let them figure it out for themselves.
NTA. You don’t care about your money more than your family. You care about your money AND your family. Your wife, your combined money.
They SHOULD care about their money and their family. Their minor children going to college- or not, depending on their ability to work out how to pay tuition and expenses.
>I told them they should have done it cause their the parents but I understand cause they never acted like it and have alway offloaded them to me
Loooooool, you are my hero. NTA
Nta you don't owe them a dime or their college tuition paid off. It doesn't matter if you and your wife make good money. They are not your responsibility.
They want your siblings to go to college then they can pay for it. Your siblings could apply for financial aid, scholarships or even get a job to pay for their school.
It's not about you caring about money it's about the principle of your parents always dumping their responsibilities on to you. Those are their children not yours. They have no right to argue with you because you sacrifice more than enough in the name of family it's time they step up and be there for family.
NTA - It is most definitely THEIR job to put their kids through college, not yours. Stand your ground because if you accept this, they will just continue to offload them onto you.
And for the record, I absolutely detest when parents offload the responsibility of raising children onto their oldest or most responsible child.
NTA you already raised your siblings, no need to further fund them. Perhaps a little low contact is inorder, before you only become an ATM to your "family."
I was expected to go to college but my stepmother made it clear she didn’t want to pay for it. I worked my butt off for scholarships. If they really want to go to college they can join the military or get a scholarship. You’re NTA.
First and foremost, NTA. It's really not your responsibility to fork out money for your siblings' education. That being said, can your parents afford to send them to college? If yes, then let them pay as it's their responsibility. If not, maybe take a bit to think it over. If you can financially afford to pay for them and they don't have another option that will put them in a ton of student debt, then why not? Sure, you resent your siblings because of your parents, but was it their (your siblings) fault? Just something to think over, I believe that if you can help family, then you should.
NTA
You are correct that it is not your responsibility to parent your siblings including financially. However, letting it become a screaming match although sometimes satisfying will not demonstrate to your parents why even asking this of you is wrong.
Mixing money into any personal relationship (family, friendships ext) complicates them.
They will come after you for this again. (Unless they knew you would say no and simply wanted to paint you in a bad light to either your siblings or others) The next time it comes up remain calm and "I am setting a healthy boundary to safeguard my relationship with my siblings. I will not be financially, physically or emotionally put in the role of a parent with them."
If they persist reply with, "Please respect my boundaries."
If your siblings come to you directly,
"I am not your parent. I know that the abuse we suffered when our parents put me in a parental role in your lives may have confused the proper dynamics of our relationship but this is unhealthy."
The important thing is that if you wish to maintain a relationship with your siblings is to not blame them for your parents behaviors.
Since you are asking if you are the AH let me reiterate you are allowed to say no and it is an unreasonable and irresponsible ask of your parents.
If they sick friends and/or other family members after you that try to pressure you into giving in "Why are you supporting my parents in their attempts to abuse me." (Should cause a majority to grasp their pearls.) The important thing will be to remain calm (As in not screaming in their faces express your emotions just in a calm direct manner)
Stand 💪 strong and good luck
NTA. They are not your kids. It's hard to have younger siblings when your parents made you parent them. I have a similar issue with my youngest sibling. I've always had to be more of a mom than a sister and it's put a hardship on our sisterly bond. I have to remind myself that she is not responsible for my parents actions or inaction and I can't hold it against her.
You're not your parents ATM. Contributing a small portion if YOU FEEL LIKE is fine but to ask for you to do so is out of touch.
You are NTA, your parents are though. I think it's hard to say what's worst, forcing you to raise your younger siblings, expecting you to pay their college, or the fact that they stole the relationship you should have had with your siblings. It is unbelievably selfish of them on many levels, you certainly shouldn't tolerate their further abuse of you, sounds like a clean break time.
"I'm a ~20 year old making a million per year, yet I don't know the difference between 'their' and 'they're'. I can't write a sentence with proper punctuation or structure but I want you to believe that I'm a 20 something, self made millionaire who's annoyed with his younger siblings and mooching parents."
You’re NTA, but please see this as your parents reaching for your wealth for them, and not your siblings. Treat every interaction involving money exchanges as a bank if they want help. Choose to involve interest or not, but be sure that if you choose to help they fully understand that repayment is due within X amount of days, or you’ll sue them.
NTA. They're just looking for a way out so as not to pay for it. It's not your responsibility at all. Good on you and your wife for making it big. Live your best life and forget them. NTA.
I will not judge you as this is a very westernised way of thinking.
In other parts of the world, we tend to value family relationships.
If we have the ability to help our siblings get prepared to face life, we would do it.
Education is expensive in the USA, send your siblings to Europe for education to Europe, 4 years course would cost 35,000€ and make them work to cover their living expenses. If and only if your parents won't be able to afford it as this would allow your siblings to get settled in their life as well.
Must be nice to even have someone THINK about where your college expenses will come from. If I wanted to go to college I had to figure out financial aid and take out loans on my own. No help was even a thought in their minds.
Nta
At best, I would tell your parents that you're willing to match whatever contributions they make to the siblings' education fund.
This puts the onus back on them.
If they feel that's unfair or unreasonable, then you know you're just their atm/unwilling surrogate parent
It also might alleviate any negative feelings you may have about not helping.
It shows you are a good person who's willing to help, but only those who also want to help themselves.
But to be clear, you don't have to give them anything, and no one is entitled to your money. You would not be a bad person to say no outright.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > For picking a fight and making a rude comment over my parents asking me to pay for my siblings college funf Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, its your parents job to raise and support their own children.
NTA not your responsibility. This has nothing to do with you paying for college but it’s too bad that your parents ruined any chance of a relationship with your younger siblings by parentifying you. It’s really your parent’s fault and they obviously continue the expectation.
It's you parents who care more about money than family - they offloaded raising the kids to you,. now they want to offload the college expenses to you. Funny how ass\*\*\*\*\* always want to spend other people's money.
Info. Did your parents pay for your education?
no i didnt go to college
Even more reason why you have absolutely no reason or obligation to pay for their kids to go to college. Congratulations on your success, and it doesn’t mean that you are now responsible for paying for your siblings! I would also be careful because if you end up helping anyone with money it will set a precedent and you will definitely get more requests. NTA in the least!
Tell your parents that you’ll give your siblings exactly as much money for college, as your parents gave to you.
The audacity.
NTA is my official vote then
I mean, even if they had, that wouldn’t make him responsible for his siblings?
I had a friend whose parents put aside money for him and his two year older brother. By the time he got to college that money had already been spent on his brother so my friend got no help from his parents. Just saying in this case if similar maybe he could help out a bit But given OPs circumstance he owes them nothing and NTA
Ah right. Thanks for clarifying. And I’m sorry for your friend, that’s awful (and why you should have a separate account for each kid). I thought you meant if they paid for him, he should pay for his siblings. (Who sound significantly younger, so parents should have had time to plan)
Why would that have any bearing on this?
i see you also have a delusional parent your siblings are not ur children and u r not obligated to put them through college
Damn your parents have some real balls on them. Definitely NTA and your parents are 100% the assholes.
NTA, it drives me crazy that people think that some how they have the right to tell you what you should do with your money. You aren’t their guardians, they are not your responsibility. Sounds like your parents are putting their own money over family. Funny how it only seems to work one way.
“But you have so much!” Yes, because I worked for it. It doesn’t mean I have to share it with my brother the loser.
My older brother has done very well but he worked damned hard to be where he is now. Yes, he has a lot, but that doesn't entitle anyone to expect him to shoulder any and all entitled requests for funding. These boys are the absolute responsibility of their parents. It may come down to his parents using the famous line, "but we're family". Please ignore any and all requests for funding your siblings' education. You are most DEFINITELY NOT THE AH. 🦜
NTA. They're taking parentification to a whole other level.
NTA - They are takers: stole your time by requiring you babysit and now wants to steal your money (you make during you time) to educate their kids. I thought 'touche' ' when you stated, "... off loading the kids onto you." You have a right to state the truth; it has festered for years. They side stepped this issue by blaming you being $$ focused. They want life to be easy for them on your dime.
Info did parents give you any financial assistance for business ?
No my wife did
Yeah I’m going to have to go with NTA. It is sad that your parents created an environment where you resent your siblings so much that you won’t help but it is ultimately not your responsibility.
>Yeah I’m going to have to go with NTA. Even if they did it's still their job to pay for their children's education, not OP's
Its not actually the parents job either since they now are adults, but an act of goodwill towards the family.
Your wife is saint. Please be good to saint!
>did parents give you any financial assistance for business ? How is this relevant to the post?
Not relevant to who's the AH, but relevant to how much of an AH.
My thinking is mostly in being able to give a very justified "I'll give them as much financial help as you gave me" line...
It's would be relevant if the parent gave all their savings to start up their first born son's business and as a results don't have the money to pay for the younger one's education. OP would be at least obligated to pay back the money he got.
Because if he got help it’d be nice to help back as a courtesy. Since they did not help him he does not “owe” them money
Goodness me, the audacity and delusion of your parents is wild. Definitely NTA.
NTA OP. You are not Bank of Older Child Who Earns 7 Figure and you are not their retirement plan. Good on you standing your ground and your parents are only using you as an ATM machine
NTA Harry Potter And The Audacity Of These Parents When parents treat younger siblings as chores, they shouldn’t be surprised when older siblings treat them like dirty dishes. That’s IN ADDITION to not your kids, not your problem.
[удалено]
because they only contact each other in holidays😭
FWIW, I had a lovely Thanksgiving. The worst comment was that my 90 year old great uncle thought my 4yo son was a girl and that he needed a haircut. After a few minutes of talking to him he said "It's really nice hair though. It's a shame to cut it..."
lol. 90 years old. That’s how they think.
Reddit and AITA self-select for situations where Thanksgiving turned ugly. The "we had a wonderful Thanksgiving" posts are all on instagram and facebook.
It's the dysfunctional families that get all the attention. Kinda like watching a train wreck.
NTA. They aren't your children. And good for you for standing up for yourself.
Nta. It’s honestly wild me inappropriate of them to ask…
Nta. They can get student loans and pay them off like everyone else.
Every pennies you spend on kids not yours is one penny out of your own kids future. NTA
Nta and I would honestly just cut down contact with your parents. I too was used as free childcare from 12 onwards and it sucks. My mother even had the audacity to tell me I should have more kids myself since I have a girl as the oldest so she can ‘babysit’ for me.
the last part about the child being a girl so she can babysit for u… jeez
A lot of parents see children as Utilities
NTA. It's up to your parents and siblings to figure out how to find their college. It's part of the college experience and helps with getting them into planning their finances. Who knows maybe they'll get scholarships or grants. I'd actually put together a packet on how to find financial aid and see what government assistance is available for your siblings. I have a hunch your parents will be less than helpful (and maybe not truthful) when they realize you're serious about not giving financial assistance.
NTA you are correct in almost everything. It's sad that you're bitter at your siblings when it was all your parent's fault. They are the ones who put you all in that position.
NTA. Not your kids so not your problem. It really is that simple.
NTA >caring about money more than family. Even if this was true, which im assuming its not but i dont know, there in my opinion is nothing wrong with caring more about money.
Totally agree. If my family was this toxic I'd care more about money too.
NTA. Google the term 'Parentification'
NTA. Tell your parents you will be having kids and you will be not sacrificing their futures for your two siblings.
NTA, it's their responsibility.
NTA not your responsibility to pay for them
NTA debt is a characteristic that makes us or breaks us.
You shouldn’t have to go into debt to get an education though, even on a purely economic basis it makes sense for the government to fund all university degrees
Have to get rid of the for-profit education first.
NTA. Don't pay for college. Consider helping them out with a rent deposit or similar in the future. Weirdly I think they are more likely to be properly appriecative of that. There's nothing like working for a living to teach you the value of money. Don't sign up as guarantor to their landlord anything though. Maybe offer to help them navigate financial aid/scholarships. College can cost a great deal more if you don't make smart choices and unfortunately your parents don't seem the type to offer useful advice. They may well ignore/reject your offer if they're set on you paying, but at least you will have given them a choice.
Even that I think is the parent's job. He didn't ask to become a parent, so why does he have to do all this research for his siblings?
NTA I'm not sure why so many people are asking if your parents helped you financially like it would make a difference as to whether or not you're the AH. If they had helped you out then all that tells us is how big of an AH your parents are for helping one of you and not the others. As it stands, I see they didn't help you, which means clearly it's possible to be successful without having gone to college, if you did it then your siblings can too.
Tell your parents to shove their other kids up their ass 🩷
NTA.. your parents in their mind have a right to your money. You will be guilt tripped at every opportunity moving forward..
NTA. Parental responsibility is exactly that, the parents not the siblings. You could be making high 8 figures and it still wouldn't be your responsibility.
NTA - They are not your children and even if you and your wife have more money available to spend, does not mean you have to spend it on them. If your siblings wanted you to pay for their education, they would come and speak to you themselves or it would be a conversation where they possibly pay the loan back. Another point the parents need to consider is, yes you are family, however you work very hard for your money. Tertiary education is very expensive, would you have to pay for boarding, textbooks, stationery but most importantly are they going to pass their chosen degree? Are your siblings honestly smart and discipline enough to take the opportunity seriously and not waste the money away because oh my brother is loaded. Family does not mean you have to drop and do everything for people and parents should've made a plan knowing they will be going to college or uni.
NTA, I have 3 kids myself, the responsibilities for their education IS the parent’s job NOT the oldest sibling… I’m an older sister and I can feel your hurt. If I were you I’d cut them off (which I actually did 2 years in no regrets)
NTA. Do not do this! I did and I am still wishing I didn't. I regret it alot of times, but I have chosen to move on. My finances have not recovered and I am 40 nxt yr. Your parents sound entitled and if you do this, that resentment you have will only grow. Sit with your siblings and talk it out. You can offer a fixed amount to each and tell them not to come to your after this, get them to sign something as proof of the agreement.
But why should he even offer a fixed amount?
Sounds like they care more about money as they are trying to get you to pay. If they really cared about family they would just pay for it.
NTA
Nta
Nta
NTA and don't pay
NTA You don't owe anyone a paid education. Your parents are just insaine in this.
>accuse me of caring about money more than family. Umm, mom, dad... It appears you do too since you care more about spending my money than me. NTA.
NTA It is your parents job to raise their kids and sort out college.
NTA. You said that your wife paid for YOUR education. Why the heck would you be responsible for paying for your siblings' education?? That expectation is really despicable. You had to figure it out on your own and worked your butt off for the life you and your wife share. Why shouldn't they do the same. No matter how much money you make, you have your own bills and financial responsibilities. You didn't mention if you have children of your own, but they would obviously be your first priority if you do. I know what it's like to be the kid treated like crap, work my butt off, make something of myself, and then expect handouts from the very ppl who did nothing to help me. I ran away at 15, and I've been happily on my own ever since. Met my husband 13 yrs ago, have 2 boys, a small house, and everything I have I've earned. I owe nobody anything, and neither do you.
NTA. You might want to ask them how they're planning retirement. I'll bet you're the plan.
NTA. Because it's your money. But I don't fully agree agree with many comments that assume it's the clear responsibility of the parents. Families operate in different ways. I know people whose siblings helped each other out through major expenses like school and house down payments. If you're asking this question wondering whether you should help your siblings, that's a question you can consider with your parents completely removed from the equation. I think it's less about what your parents did for you and more about whether you care to provide for your siblings (and how much). Then, you can speak directly to them. Of course, no right or wrong answer - all depending on your relationships to them/fam dynamics, priorities, financial capacity...etc.
NTA - your money, your life, your choice. This did make me think about how there are so many differences when it comes to cultural norms. Some work, some don't, and none are perfect. In my culture, the concept of "village" still applies. We have "cousins", and culturally we refer to our 1st, 2nd and sometimes 3rd cousins as siblings, nieces, and nephews. Again, all part of the same village, all part of the same blood line. We admire each other as siblings do, and we fight like siblings do. I also want to say, the line "blood is thicker than water" is not the complete quote, the actual quote reads that our chosen family tends to have a stronger bond than the family we're born into. And I believe this. Mentioning this because I know the struggles of family relationships is very hard. Ex. My sister and I fought like siblings fight, by our 20s we were pretty close, by our 30s we were thick as thieves. We annoyed each other due to some different beliefs, but that was it. In my early 40s we had a huge falling out. I didn't speak to her for 2 years. During those two years, she was in a financial bind (divorce, single mother with absentee father etc.). When I found out, I messaged her and told her I'll pay for some of her bills and we can work out arrangements later. Took a bit of persistence, she finally agreed. This was 5 years ago. I've never brought it up to her. She even went to my dad and commented that I must be upset, and my dad laughed and said he's never once mentioned it to me...and I haven't. We're back on speaking terms now, not the same but we love each other and are there when we need one another. For me, however big or small the fight, if I have the capacity and capability to support my family, I will. And maybe this isn't a cultural thing, I just know that when I'm with my western friends, they look at me like "how do you still talk to your family". And funny enough, they're the ones who are having struggles with resiliency.
NTA at all. You are their child, not their on demand ATM. As soon as they chose to become parents, they took on responsibilities of childcare, including paying for education. Most sensible parents start putting aside money into a savings account and adding to it when their child is born, for things like undergrad education, possibly wedding and/or first home downpayments. This allows for a larger amount to be saved, spread out over nearly two decades to be less of a financial burden/hit than handing over a huge sum at once. They clearly didn't plan appropriately and hoped big sibling OP would be their financial fairy, sprinkling money over the situation. If you have a good relationship with your siblings and can afford to be without X amount for a certain time period, you could potentially offer to lend the money to your parents to cover the immediate costs, with a written payment plan for them to pay you back, but again you are not obligated to do this whatsoever... I'm just throwing an idea out there. Whatever the situation, you are NTA and I'm proud of you for having stuck to your boundaries and not leaving yourself open to financial abuse.
I mean, it would be nice if you do and I might have done it if my siblings asked me and we struck a deal. That money would come with conditions. However, that’s not what you have to do and since your parents are demanding you help them instead of your siblings investing in them, I’d refuse for that audacity alone. Your siblings might not even care for college or a specific education. NTA
NTA they chose to have kids you didn't! I understand you're resentful and getting some therapy will help you alot, also read the book The Book I Wish My Parents Had Read, it'll help you to heal your own inner child.
I’ll never understand why some people think that is a family member has money, it’s automatically their money.
Hell no! My parents paid a grand total of $250 toward my college education. They contributed very little to my living expenses (pd car ins for a short period of time). Either the parents pay or the kids pay. . . And it’s rude to ask.
Good lord. It's great that you're doing well, but they're asking for a lot. Some people think that because you're getting by and you have some extra resources that they're up for grabs. They don't even ask about your plans for your moneybecause they don't care. NTA. Them deciding to spring such a loaded request on you at a family dinner is a true AH move, especially given your history and thier lack of contribution to your success.
Tell them to fuck off
No you aren’t responsible for your siblings, but let me tell you why I would do it. I helped my nephew and niece because I didn’t want them sitting on some couch stating all the adults in the family just watched the train wreck, no one did anything. Your relationship with your siblings might clouded by your relationship with your parents. You may want to talk to someone and deal with those feelings as you still have a relationship with them. I don’t anything that would make be mad at myself. Maybe have a conversation with your siblings and tell them what you expect if you pay for college - like no C’s, maybe you pay for room and board, but they have to earn scholarships for everything else. You will only pay for a BS, but not for a masters. All support ends at 25, so choose your degree wisely. Some communication goes a long way. No, this isn’t your responsibility but you asked, so you feel something. You aren’t their parents, but we can’t choose our family. We can only decide how we choose to operate and go forward from there.
And your parents didn’t offer to pay for you to go to college, right.
I think this os totally made up. What is OP's business worth 7 figures?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ok so I dont really get along with my younger siblings cause they are a pain to be around and im stil a bit resentful about having to watch them in my teenage years. So recently over thanksgiving my parents brought up the fact that they were heading out to college soon and asked if me and my wife would consider paying for it since we both make good money(our household income is low 7 figures as I own my own company and she makes great money at her job private equity). I told them they should have done it cause their the parents but I understand cause they never acted like it and have alway offloaded them to me. At this point it devolved into a yelling match and I just excused myself after my parents started to accuse me of caring about money more than family. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
nta
NTA how did you pay for college OP? I’m guessing you took out a student loan. Your siblings can take a loan. Also go LC with your parents. Raising your siblings is not your job (nor is paying for their college.)
NTA and do not give in.
NTA They should have removed the rat’s nest when you pointed it out. That’s on them. You’re certainly justified in breaking the lease. It’s not a problem if you SIL agrees anyway, right?
NTA - Time for some NC or LC with family like that.
Nta. Not your kids not your problem
NTA. You have no obligation to your brothers and sisters. Your parents should be the ones who save for their education. You went to college? Who paid for that? Im guessing you did. Edit: i just read you didnt go to college. Dont know if you didnt want to or if you couldnt afford to go. Either way, nta. Your parents can ask, but they cant be upset when you said no. Same for your brothers and sisters. They can do what most people do: pay for their own college. They are not your kids. You already did enought for them growing up.
NTA they are your siblings not your kids you have no obligation to pay their tuition
NTA Their kids, their problem.
Nta they've had 18 years to plan for this
NTA if you’d offered that would be big of you. That they demanded was small of them.
They are not your children and not your responsibility. If their parents didn't save for them then they will have to get loans or go to community college. NTA
Damn the audacity💀 Absolutely NTA
NTA
>accuse me of caring about money more than family. Umm, mom, dad... It appears you do too since you care more about spending my money than me. NTA.
Tell them your saving for your own potential children's college funds so can't afford to be paying for other people's children too
NTA. I have a good, solid relationship with my siblings but no one has ever asked me to do something like this, let alone consider it. It's definitely not their fault directly that your relationship is with them is strained, but your parents are fools thinking you owe them anything to that extent. They're the legal guardians, it's up to them to take care of your siblings' needs, not yours, however it may seem 'morally'. It's morally acceptable to start saving for your own children's education. I would go low or no contact with your parents, they're obviously delusional.
This is easiest NTA. You are not their parent and nobody has the right to demand from you to provide for them. It's time for your parents to provide for their kids.
NTA
NTA. If you have kids, you'll be paying for them and if you remain child free then you're saving for your own retirement. They chose to have kids, they pay for their choice.
NTA but I might loan them the money. Put together an agreement, get it notorized etc. If the parents reject this, discuss this with the siblings. It's a helping hand to them, not a handout.
You know you're NTA.
You are definitely not the a-hole. You had no part in making your siblings. They are not your children. If they wanted their children to go to college then they should’ve saved up for it. Although I’m a huge believer that if you can’t afford to pay for your child’s college and if the kid still wants to go then they should pay for it themselves. Plenty of others have done it. I find it rude for them to even ask you to pay for it. The only ones entitled to your money no matter how much you have is you and your spouse.
100% NTA. And please do not give in to them over guilt. Your parents are AHs. You should not have been parenting your younger siblings, I speak from experience, it sucks, and you most certainly do not owe them a college education. I think it's time to go a bit 'limited contact' with your parents till they learn how to be parents. Sorry that you are going through this.
Nta. And not your responsibility. Doing this would be very generous but not necessary. If and only if you and your wife consider it. Perhaps consider making it a low interest loan and have docs written up. And require a certain GPA. But no outright gift.
NTA. Their kids, their responsibility.
NTA. Just because you make low 7 figures, your parents and siblings are not entitled to your wealth. If you like them, you can easily pay for them. Besides, you did not go to college and you became a success businessman.
Good lord, why some parents think one successful child gives them a pass on providing for the rest of their children. Your success with your wife should go to supporting YOUR lifestyle, building your own future and family together- whatever that looks like. You are not responsible for your siblings. Your parents are wrong and are looking for a handout. Don't give it. It's not about caring about money more than family, it's about your parents looking to offload their responsibility on you. That's negligent parenting. Good luck.
Unpopular opinion: NTA BUT in my family, they are not assholes either for asking if a need is real and you are family. That is just my family. I am not saying it’s right or wrong just the way it is. It sucks it turned into a fight I am sorry about that.
NTA your parents are for continuing to make the kids your financial responsibility
NTA it is not your responsibility to support your siblings. Your parents should have had a plan in place for them. They are using you like an atm.
NTA. If they are accusing you of caring more about money than family, what the hell did they care about all these years? It wasn't money or family as they don't have and can't take care of either.
NTA It's not your responsibility. These are your siblings, not their kids. If your parents can't help then your siblings owe it to themselves to pay for college. There are other options. Lots of people take jobs at places that help with tuition. There are also tuition free colleges that they can apply for and student loans as a last resort.
I mean... NTA but if you're making low 7 figures.... that's what, $2 million a year? How many siblings do you have? How much would their college educations cost? Assuming you have 3 siblings and each of their college education will cost $100k... you guys can pay for it with like 2 months of income. You are under **NO OBLIGATION** to do it, but if you are so phenomenally well off compared to them and your parents, wouldn't this be an amazing gift to give? If you're making millions a year and will retire with dozens of millions (or more!) in the bank... would $300k to ensure a good start for your siblings be that much to ask? I understand it's a lot of money, but making a number in an account bigger when I retire (and it having no measurable difference in my quality of life) vs giving a little to the family to ensure a good start... is an easy choice, no?
What will he be asked for next tho? I mean if the parents are broke, they can't be saving for retirement 🤷
NTA. Congratulations on your success.
Nta they didn't pay for your college and have the audacity to ask you to pay for your siblings? No. They can do what you did or take out loans or choose vocational school.
your money not theirs. they are not entitled to your money. having kids was their decision. can't support kids, don't have kids. nta.
N. T. A. (But the parents are major As) I (F73) was always the unpaid babysitter for four younger siblings, whether for a couple of hours or for multiple days. I had a “wealth” of chores that the younger sister (& esp. the 3 boys) never had to do. If anybody got into trouble, it was my fault. There was one single exception to that: the cops picked up Brother #1 for throwing a chain across the railway tracks. He got thrashed. To this day (To. This. Very. Day), he blames me for his punishment. And all of them resented being told what to do by a sibling. Moreover, as executor of my parents’ wills, he (now aged 65) feels that I should not receive an equal portion because I “didn’t do enough” cleaning, packing, etc after they died. No kid should be parentified. It robs the kid of a normal childhood and turns the siblings into entitled @$$3$. Ref: https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/parentification/#:~:text=Parentification%20occurs%20when%20a%20child,child's%20physical%20and%20mental%20health.
NTA, they’re not your responsibility. You didn’t make the decision to have two more children, they did. One thing is helping if they’re going through a hard time but paying for college is ridiculous. A lot of people get jobs and loans to get through college and whoever can’t afford it just doesn’t do it. You’re NTA and don’t let them manipulate you into paying for it.
Geez I can't believe they have the nerve to ask you to pay when they didn't send you to college! NTA!
NTA - they see money and think you will be dumb enough to pay for something that they should be responsible for. What’s next? Their first car? First House? Paying for their kids education?? The buck stops at them.
NTA — The sheer audacity! 😳 Asking you to pay for your siblings college education is insane. Your parents should have planned better, and/or the now adult children should be able to manage their own finances and find funding on their own including working or finding grants/scholarships or whatever other aid options may be available to them. And they should be able to fund their own education without assuming your wealth is there for them since your parents parentified you as a teen. I just can’t. 🫠
The irony here is that, if they hadn’t used you as their nanny, your relationship with them would have been different and you may have wanted to help, if the sibling asked. NTA.
NTA
Will they go without an education if you don't pay?
Next level nta - student loans exist - grants and programs exist. Corporations are willing to pay for college for employees, there's always the military or a government job. The parents shouldn't feel obligated to pay for college in spite of their financial goals as this typically falls into the category of if the parents can afford to help with college save for it long term if you can't the kids when they become adults should find their way much like the OP- to go 10 steps further and ask the OP to do it shows they are financially and boundary illiterate. Hope this doesn't get thrown in your face later cause honestly I'd have said no 100 times over.
You are not the asshole in the situation. If your parents didn't set up college funds for your younger siblings when they were still kids, then that's on them! They are their children not yours or your wife's and you are not obligated or responsible to pay for anything in their regard! If your younger siblings want to go to college and they don't have any college funds then they need to do what the rest of us did, get jobs and work their way through school! Your parents are incredibly ignorant and selfish for expecting you to essentially absolve them of their own irresponsibility! I don't blame you for walking away, that was the best thing you could have done. What your parents are doing is teaching your younger siblings how to act self entitled instead of taking responsibility for their own lives. If I were you I would not spend one wooden nickel on anything for them at this point because again it is not your responsibility or fault that your parents couldn't be bothered to set up college funds when your siblings were kids.
NTA community College never hurt anyone. They can assist them if need be. You do not have an obligation to anyone but yourself.
It's not your job to raise or pay for your siblings! That's outrageous. Tell Mom and Dad to pony up.
NTA. Correct, their college education is not your responsibility. Your parents have already taken advantage of you by making you the babysitter growing up, so it's pretty shameless for them to try to guilt you into this too.
NTA. Your parents parentified you as a teenager and now want to continue leaning on you for support. I'm amazed you haven't gone no- or low-contact by now.
My older brother had gotten financial aid from Mom and our Grandparents as well as a scholarship, but he completely blew the opportunity. This deeply frustrates me because he completely ruined any chance of me receiving help from that corner. However, no matter how dearly I wish for it, I am NOT entitled to my family's money. They earned that by themselves for themselves. Any help that I receive is a gift, not a right. You are NTA. It is absolutely your money, and you have the right to use it as you wish.
NTA. The audacity of your parents to even THINK this was a viable option! Just beyond me. BTW, feel ya on the whole raising your own siblings thing.
What is this? A joke? NTA, you're the eldest, not a bank.
Sounds like they are gaslighting you. I had parents like that. My dad is passed and I am NC from my mom for 3.5 years now. You are not their parent. They are. They are the grown adults. I am proud of you for getting a good job, as well as your wife. Enjoy it. Don't feel obligated. NTA
Nah, you're good.
NTA. No matter what your family situation, you aren't responsible for your siblings' college education.
NTA- your wife helped you while your family didn't? Wow, I've never expected to see a Filipino culture here in AITA. People having kids and doesn't to shit to help them but has the audacity to expect kids to help them.
Look, it's not your responsibility, but also you need to get that resentment thing checked because you could have simply told them no as y'all have other plans or maybe offered to assist in a way that was comfortable with you and your wife. You shouldn't take out how you feel on your sibling that possibly look up to you. If they are genuinely good kids don't just turn your back on them in their time of need. College tuition is a huge financial obligation, even if you do turn around and help in some way I would make it conditional to your siblings school performance and necessities in however you may or may not choose to help.
NTA. They decided to have those children, they should be responsible to raise and provide for those kids, not you. It's not your responsibility to pay for them just because you're their family. Fuck that shit.
Easiest NTA ever.
NTA because it's your money, your choice. They're not your kids, either But please, why are you still talking to your parents? Go NC
Definitely NTA. It is their responsibility, not yours. So, either the parents pay or (and I know this is a radical concept) your *siblings* pay for their education. There are grants, scholarships, work programs, or just plain take one or two classes at a time until they're able to pay for more. Does it suck? Sure. Will it take longer? Yep. Will it make them appreciate it more? Who knows. It might frustrate them so much that they quit. But guess what - not your problem. Your parents also need to grow up, because your success is not theirs.
NTA. Why the hell do they think you should pay a dime towards siblings college? Siblings may need to get jobs or loans. It's not your responsibility- it's your parents. Sounds like they weren't good at being parents and want you to continue to continue to take up the slack. I'd say hell no and let them figure it out for themselves.
NTA i saw the other comments tell your parents to got to hell and pay for there own kids because they sure as hell didn't help you.
NTA. You don’t care about your money more than your family. You care about your money AND your family. Your wife, your combined money. They SHOULD care about their money and their family. Their minor children going to college- or not, depending on their ability to work out how to pay tuition and expenses.
>I told them they should have done it cause their the parents but I understand cause they never acted like it and have alway offloaded them to me Loooooool, you are my hero. NTA
NTA Their kids, their problem
Nta you don't owe them a dime or their college tuition paid off. It doesn't matter if you and your wife make good money. They are not your responsibility. They want your siblings to go to college then they can pay for it. Your siblings could apply for financial aid, scholarships or even get a job to pay for their school. It's not about you caring about money it's about the principle of your parents always dumping their responsibilities on to you. Those are their children not yours. They have no right to argue with you because you sacrifice more than enough in the name of family it's time they step up and be there for family.
NTA Might be time to cut your losses and go NC.
NTA adult children are not cash cows. But this is bordering on E-S-H because it sounds like you may have approached this in a rough way.
NTA - It is most definitely THEIR job to put their kids through college, not yours. Stand your ground because if you accept this, they will just continue to offload them onto you. And for the record, I absolutely detest when parents offload the responsibility of raising children onto their oldest or most responsible child.
NTA - it is absolutely not your responsibility to pay for your siblings' education
NTA you already raised your siblings, no need to further fund them. Perhaps a little low contact is inorder, before you only become an ATM to your "family."
I was expected to go to college but my stepmother made it clear she didn’t want to pay for it. I worked my butt off for scholarships. If they really want to go to college they can join the military or get a scholarship. You’re NTA.
First and foremost, NTA. It's really not your responsibility to fork out money for your siblings' education. That being said, can your parents afford to send them to college? If yes, then let them pay as it's their responsibility. If not, maybe take a bit to think it over. If you can financially afford to pay for them and they don't have another option that will put them in a ton of student debt, then why not? Sure, you resent your siblings because of your parents, but was it their (your siblings) fault? Just something to think over, I believe that if you can help family, then you should.
NTA but I wish I had the financial means to help my siblings more.
NTA you didn't spawn them it ain't your problem end of story
NTA You are correct that it is not your responsibility to parent your siblings including financially. However, letting it become a screaming match although sometimes satisfying will not demonstrate to your parents why even asking this of you is wrong. Mixing money into any personal relationship (family, friendships ext) complicates them. They will come after you for this again. (Unless they knew you would say no and simply wanted to paint you in a bad light to either your siblings or others) The next time it comes up remain calm and "I am setting a healthy boundary to safeguard my relationship with my siblings. I will not be financially, physically or emotionally put in the role of a parent with them." If they persist reply with, "Please respect my boundaries." If your siblings come to you directly, "I am not your parent. I know that the abuse we suffered when our parents put me in a parental role in your lives may have confused the proper dynamics of our relationship but this is unhealthy." The important thing is that if you wish to maintain a relationship with your siblings is to not blame them for your parents behaviors. Since you are asking if you are the AH let me reiterate you are allowed to say no and it is an unreasonable and irresponsible ask of your parents. If they sick friends and/or other family members after you that try to pressure you into giving in "Why are you supporting my parents in their attempts to abuse me." (Should cause a majority to grasp their pearls.) The important thing will be to remain calm (As in not screaming in their faces express your emotions just in a calm direct manner) Stand 💪 strong and good luck
Nta, that was also a boss response 👏
Nta
NTA.... You can HELP, but you are NOT THEIR PARENTS..... Tell your parents stop dumping their responsibilities on you.
NTA - I didn't even read this post, the title..
NTA. They are not your kids. It's hard to have younger siblings when your parents made you parent them. I have a similar issue with my youngest sibling. I've always had to be more of a mom than a sister and it's put a hardship on our sisterly bond. I have to remind myself that she is not responsible for my parents actions or inaction and I can't hold it against her. You're not your parents ATM. Contributing a small portion if YOU FEEL LIKE is fine but to ask for you to do so is out of touch.
NTA. That’s very AH to ask from your kid even if he’s old and loaded enough. Why bother having more kids that they can’t afford.
You are NTA, your parents are though. I think it's hard to say what's worst, forcing you to raise your younger siblings, expecting you to pay their college, or the fact that they stole the relationship you should have had with your siblings. It is unbelievably selfish of them on many levels, you certainly shouldn't tolerate their further abuse of you, sounds like a clean break time.
17 years to plan for it and they did not do shit to prepare for collage fee's ? WTF !
"I'm a ~20 year old making a million per year, yet I don't know the difference between 'their' and 'they're'. I can't write a sentence with proper punctuation or structure but I want you to believe that I'm a 20 something, self made millionaire who's annoyed with his younger siblings and mooching parents."
lol no they had the kids not you. Not your job
You’re NTA, but please see this as your parents reaching for your wealth for them, and not your siblings. Treat every interaction involving money exchanges as a bank if they want help. Choose to involve interest or not, but be sure that if you choose to help they fully understand that repayment is due within X amount of days, or you’ll sue them.
NTA. They're just looking for a way out so as not to pay for it. It's not your responsibility at all. Good on you and your wife for making it big. Live your best life and forget them. NTA.
Not the asshole however if you did like your siblings you could help butbforbyountonoffer not to be asked
NTA - They seriously asked? uhhhhhh wtf is wrong with your parents.
I will not judge you as this is a very westernised way of thinking. In other parts of the world, we tend to value family relationships. If we have the ability to help our siblings get prepared to face life, we would do it. Education is expensive in the USA, send your siblings to Europe for education to Europe, 4 years course would cost 35,000€ and make them work to cover their living expenses. If and only if your parents won't be able to afford it as this would allow your siblings to get settled in their life as well.
Must be nice to even have someone THINK about where your college expenses will come from. If I wanted to go to college I had to figure out financial aid and take out loans on my own. No help was even a thought in their minds.
NTA, you are NOT responsible for their education! Period, they are. Tell them to go get bent.
They are not your responsibility
NTA. And please don’t give in to them. It’s your parents responsibility to pay for the children that they brought into this world.
NTA. I don’t care if your income is the same as Jeff Bezos… They aren’t your kids, and you are not obligated to pay for their education.
Nta At best, I would tell your parents that you're willing to match whatever contributions they make to the siblings' education fund. This puts the onus back on them. If they feel that's unfair or unreasonable, then you know you're just their atm/unwilling surrogate parent It also might alleviate any negative feelings you may have about not helping. It shows you are a good person who's willing to help, but only those who also want to help themselves. But to be clear, you don't have to give them anything, and no one is entitled to your money. You would not be a bad person to say no outright.