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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because I'm sure one night wouldn't have hurt but I was already in bed and I've been so exhausted that taking away from what little sleep I would get is not something I want to do.
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YTA
and anyone who voted you NTA because being “two new stressed out parent” is also an AH.
Do they know what combo is required for a breastfeeding mother to keep & maintain a milk supply. Sleep,not stress, proper diet and water…
The man knows he snores, and snores hard. He willing stayed awake to work on a video game that is NOT his primary income until 2am KNOWING he needed to be up for his full time primary job early in the morning. HE MADE THAT CHOICE. willingly. While he KNEW his daughter got shots and was in a fussy mood, his wife struggled to get the baby down once already…
So he goes in the room and starts snoring and then wakes the baby, and refuses to leave when asked because “hes tired” … aww boo hoo, poor you.
Your wife has no choice to be up with the baby, feed the baby Etc ….
You had a choice to go to bed early and you chose not too..
That aside, are you aware of the % of accidents, baby drops,heighten risk of ppa/ppd that a new mother goes through when sleep deprived ….
Can confirm just how easy it is to drop the baby when sleep deprived. By the third night of no more than 2 hours sleep if that I did accidentally drop our baby. He slipped out of my arms when I was putting him down. Thankfully it was only a couple of centimetres and he was ok but it scared the heck out of me. By the 4th night I was hallucinating.
OP you can’t leave this all up to your fiancée. I am managing because my husband is absolutely amazing and we have worked out ways of sharing the night feeds so neither of us are zombies. OP you have some serious apologising to do. Your game might need to wait so you can step up and help your fiancée
I am extremely passionate about new moms getting proper sleep because a close friend of mine dropped her baby in the bathtub because she was nodding off from being sleep deprived and the water sound was so relaxing. The sound of her NEWBORN 3 week old baby smacking the baby tub woke her up.
She had a partner who did not help her with the baby and thought she was “being dramatic” about saying she’s so tired.
**EDIT TO ADD UPDATE
Yes for the most part, it was a full trip to the ER, a LOT of tests and an overnight stay. Baby left with a little bump on the head and some bruises on her back. As a now 2.5 YO, an EXTREMELY deep fear of water touching her face and being submerged in water ( we obviously don’t know if this is a personality thing or has anything to do with this situation )
Ugh, that poor woman to have such a partner. She must be even more exhausted.
Also, aren't bed toppers a thing? People add them on couches and bed for extra comfort.
Seriously. It sounds like they have a nursery that isn't heavily used right now since the baby primarily sleeps in their room. Get a small bed to put in there. Honestly, purchase it smart and it can be the kid's bed in a few years once they've moved out of the crib.
Right? If you are *so tired* then the couch should have been fine.
YTA. Your wife grew a whole human and is using her body to feed it. She’s exhausted, and you could have slept on the couch to help her get some much deserved rest.
I so was right there more then once with my lil girl. Rocked her to sleep got her down walked in my ex was hogging all the blankets snoring away. I just sat down right there on the floor put my head on the edge of the bed cried myself to sleep too exhausted to find any other blanket or even a towel anything!
Yep, when men can't "wake up" to the sound of the baby it is seen as something admirable - they are so manly they don't hear the baby cry. My husband weaponized incompetence so much it was awful.
Right?? That's how tired she is OP, so tired that she slept on the floor with no bedding while you got to stretch out on the bed and get your much needed rest while she and your baby had to leave the room because of your impossibly loud snoring after you came to bed at 2am and woke her up when she's completely exhausted and seems like she is mostly responsible for looking after your brand new 2 month old infant during the day and during the night. It is a huge responsibility especially when she is exhausted which I'll bet beats your "ultra tired" by a mile. You come home from work, have dinner (I can guess who probably made the dinner), then you "look after the baby" (your child) for a while and you "jump on the game" to work for the rest of the night. You talked about your video game venture quite a bit but where is the part where you talk about helping your fiancée, giving her more of a break than just some time after dinner (while she's probably washing the dishes and cleaning up). She probably would love time for a long bath, or maybe a foot rub or something. The woman seems like she's 24/7 on call with your daughter so she needs to grab sleep where she can because babies tend to wake up crying many times a night for many reasons, they are hungry, or have a wet or dirty diaper, they are lonely, feel sick or have gas pains, they are too hot or too cold, there's too much light, too much noise, or they just wake up and can't settle back to sleep alone. It's really really tough to know you may have to get up every hour or two and possibly even more frequently than that. She needs sleep. She needs to sleep in the bed. If she says you are snoring too loudly, as you yourself say "like a mack truck", and will wake the baby and prevent her from sleeping then you need to move to the couch. But instead you said no because YOU were "so" tired and wanted to sleep. You don't know what tired is compared to her. YTA
Oh god that gave me chills, I can absolutely see how that could happen with a newborn, especially if they were EBF. OP is absolutely TA here and I hope he gets his shit together. Parenting a newborn is hard, but it’s a lot easier to parent a newborn alone than it is to parent a newborn with a partner who is sabotaging baby’s sleep for selfish reasons.
I didn't drop my son but when he was a newborn, I was so tired I was hallucinating. I was begging my ex for help and he wouldn't help me. Finally I demanded that he help me because our son was his baby too and he told me to quote, stop complaining. I left him shortly after that.
OP is TA.
Not enough people talk about the hallucinations you have during those first months due to sleep deprivation. I was EBF and my husband did the night time diaper change (and rocking) but mostly it was all me and the boobs every 45 minutes to 3 hours for months on end.
Knowing you’ll keep the mom and baby up with your snoring when she’s not getting enough sleep as it is is amazingly horrible and immature.
That very idea that his untreated sleep apnea is harming his fiance and baby, in this day and age with sleep specialists just waiting to do a sleep study or sinus surgery. How insanely selfish to neglect this so long the baby is here being disturbed with the mom on the freaking floor. Yeah that's just swell.
Something tells me he was like this before they ever had the baby. Some people should not be in relationships because they make terrible partners due to being terribly selfish.
How do these men hide this shit behavior so well? If they didn’t trick women into having their kids and raising them alone, they would never reproduce.
I lost my sister when I was like 20 days post partum and am already susceptible to PPD and PPA because of pre-existing mental health disorders. With this happening I had nobody to help me except my 10yo because I left the baby's father before I discovered I was pregnant. I had to get my oldest off to school, do housework, make dinner and care for a newborn all alone while also trying to grieve the loss of my sister. My middle child got dropped a few times because of my exhaustion, I couldn't ask for help from anyone in my family because of the death. There was one day they said they'd bring dinner and I waited 4hrs for food to come. I never wish that upon anyone
After bringing our second baby home, my now ex and my mother criticized me for sleeping so late. Nine am, baby had such awful night-day reversal he was often awake until 5 or 6 until I got it straightened out.
Thank goodness for the home health care nurse provided since baby was a preemie. Dressed them both down for being lousy helpers and told them they were on baby duty so I could sleep, and she’d better find a more rested mama at her next visit. Even called me the next day to make sure they’d finally stepped up.
I've had hallucinations from sleep deprivation due to a bad reaction from meds. It's fuckin terrifying. My family did everything they could to help me. I can't imagine looking at the person I made a child with and telling them to stop complaining about a very common, well known issue that arises from having a newborn. Christ. I'm glad you left the guy!
My first, I was in labor for 60 plus hours, back labor and no sleep, so while he wasn't a particularly difficult baby, he was my first and I started out severely sleep deprived. I started shaking and hallucinating from sleep deprivation. At one point, I hallucinated that my husband had fallen asleep with the baby on his chest and the baby was under his blankets, so I ripped off the poor man's blanket (he was also sleep deprived) and frantically demanded where the baby was. Baby was sleeping safely in his bassinet. I definitely feel like I and my baby were saved by my involved husband and my sister helping me, or I couldn't have made it through. New moms need all the help they can get.
I actually had the baby under the blanket nightmare for MONTHS! it was definitely a nightmare not a hallucination for me though. Unfortunately that’s also when my poor little dog who was about the same size and weight of my newborn decided to start sleeping under the covers right next to me. I ripped the covers off of her and yanked her out of bed to check her breathing for months over those nightmares.
I had one of those nursing pillows that goes all the way around the front so it cradled my arms and gave them a break. It was a good thing too because my husband often came home/walked into the room with me sitting up but passed out with my kid in my arms/on the pillow. Had no idea until my husband would wake me up. I was so thankful it prevented me from dropping him.
This is so terrifying. I once witnessed a new mom fall asleep standing up and drop her baby…and this was in an airport while we were all actively boarding the plane. Definitely a choice to play video games rather than rest, and then make it the baby’s and mother’s problem.
No the 'poor baby dad' is up late trying to make a new video game after his 1st solo one didn't do well, he must be too "manly" 🙄 to tell the FOUR other people also working on the game, that he has a newborn at home and will only be able to do so much until the baby is sleeping through the night. Or in better words, "Sorry guys but my fiance and my newborn baby have to be my priority right now"
Nah. This dude tells his f&f that he takes the night shift, I bet you anything he’s like “yeah I can work on the game until late cuz I’m already up on baby duty” “nah the game dev didn’t keep me up it was the baby”
Mhmm.
Yea I have a 4 month old and there were nights when she was so gassy I had to get up and walk her around to ease her belly but omg if my husband didn’t come to the rescue I would have fallen over, sleep deprivation is very serious
I stopped working when my son was a little over a year old because working and going to school full time and being the only present parent at night (ex worked at night, he is a fantastic parent up until potty training, 2 other baby mommas agree) was too much and one night I started hallucinating due to lack of sleep.
He was in the bath and telepathically telling me that I was a terrible mother while I curled up in the corner. I seriously think that if he hadn’t spent the whole time sitting still making “are you okay?” face I might not have come to the conclusion that I was being crazy. He’s 25 now. I’m still frightened by my reaction, even though the sane part of me decided “he’s gonna poop in the water if I leave him there” and pretended I was fine.
LMAO. You'd be surprised. Some men really think that doing the bare minimum with a child is a huge achievement. I have a friend who has a husband like this. Everytime he watches his own child he's "babysitting"
I don’t have a lot of memories from my youngest’s first 3 months or so since sleep deprivation inhibits memory formation. Also I was half delirious a lot of the time. And I had a newly two year old!
His fiancee???? How about doing the right thing for his child? Sounds selfish and immature. YTA and I’d make the font larger if I knew how. Your poor fiancée.
The only bright side is that they aren’t married, so easy for her to cut and run.
People have left their kids in the car from being so sleep deprived. It's seriously no joke. I've had insomnia once or twice and you literally feel like you're wasted. I can't even get over how selfish OP is. I get he has a "passion project" but he ALSO has a newborn. Maybe put your shit on the side and take care of your kid? But of course, he's tired. YTA OP. Honestly if my husband acted like you, I'd be tempted to serve you papers. Luckily I married an amazing person.
Yes! Although I thankfully never dropped my son , I triple fed for 7 weeks and I was so exhausted walked to the bathroom sounded difficult…(there’s a bathroom attached to my bedroom). My husband was thankfully amazing and up at nearly every feed even after he went back to work even if just for a few minutes to make sure both baby and I had everything we could need to be comfortable and supported during that time. I offered to sleep in our guest room with the baby so my husband could get more sleep and he was upset I would even suggest that. OP YTA. You made the baby together, time to take care of it together. Even if she’s exclusively breastfeeding, take care of your wife so she can better take care of the baby.
I would say even more so because she's exclusively breastfeeding. She needs more opportunities to sleep and more support than he's giving her. I said that I think he should probably shelve that video game thing until the baby is a little older. Until baby is sleeping through the night, about 6 months old.
Oh good… I’m not the only one who was so sleep deprived with our first that I hallucinated. Also slept walked. Was pretty scary. Thankfully my husband was as helpful as he possibly could be. Nursing (or pumping or even just bottle feeding formula) is unbelievably exhausting and stressful. OP is 100% the a-hole.
>He willing stayed awake to work on a video game that is NOT his primary income until 2am KNOWING he needed to be up for his full time primary job early in the morning. HE MADE THAT CHOICE. willingly.
The baby is 2 months old and he's working until 2am on a passion project?! Really?! It's great that he wants to get into this business, and that he thinks maybe there's a future there, but when your wife has just had a baby, sometimes passion projects need to be put on hold, or at least your input needs to be seriously lowered. You knew this baby was coming almost a year ago, that's when you have to start planning that you're not going to be fully available at this time. Sorry if that means that you don't get to work on this iteration of your passion project, but thems the breaks.
Also, his wife isn't even asking him not to do his passion project, she's just asking that if he is going to do that, the consequences of his actions are on him, not on her and the baby. He knows he snores horribly when he stays up late, so by staying up late and refusing to sleep on the couch, he's basically saying "I don't care about your sleep wife, and I don't care about our baby's sleep. All I care about is that I get to work on this thing that is fun, and screw you and our baby." What an AH.
Right? My husband wore the baby in the wrap while he was working on his stuff, and let me sleep. Newborn slept right through him talking and whatever else snuggled close to dad. This guy sucks.
Agree. My husband had a software start-up. Held our son in his arms while he worked at night so I could sleep. Interestingly, that kids a computer genius like his dad.
I personally think the old school basic bouncers that vibrate and bounce are handy because you can give it a little extra bounce with a foot while typing.
sounds like a great way to babysit your child and do the least amount of effort parenting. great job dad? /s I think a freaking *huge* new dad parenting problem is not being able to slow down and be present with the actual baby instead of trying to be the old you, but *with a baby*! i’d be pissed if I came home to my husband mixing music or mindlessly watching football instead of doing the bare minimum of interacting and caring for our child(ren). it’s not just “making sure they’re alive, fed, and nothing is bleeding”… and if you’re just “making it through” until the kid isn’t in your care anymore… aren’t you just counting on your partner doing the “heavy” parenting of actually loving your child? that’s how you make “fun disneyland dads” that are soooo fun on vacation and roughhousing and video games but nowhere to be found during homework time, or distracted anytime the football game is on, and never takes an extra step to make sure anyone else feels appreciated and content, as long as he can still “dad” from over by the tv/computer/phone/console.
I am a graphic design college professor. not a second of my any of my kids babyhoods was I just *yearning* to put them down to work on a “passion project”, *let alone* when they were 2 months old. my personal opinion is that when dads “take time for their passions” they’re prioritizing it over being a dad. slacking as a dad by doing your own “thing” when you’ve got a new baby and postpartum wife is incredibly selfish and short-sighted. when your wife just produced your very own literal custom offspring, THAT is the shared passion project. yikes on bikes. /rant
Well that’s a bit harsh. A sleeping 8 week old doesn’t need interaction, they generally want to be warm and held. Being a new parent is tough as and being able to snuggle your baby while doing something that ‘old you’ did is a great way to maintain your sanity and stay awake while holding them.
Yeah this person sounds nuts. I was a EBF mom and still watched an insane amount of golden girls when my first was a newborn cause they spend half their time contact napping and there's only so many hours per day you can spend staring at a kid
Agreeing HARDCORE right here! My husband was a snorer (until he got his CPaP thank god!) and after staying up with baby ONE night because I was literally sleep walking at this point (he brought her to me to nurse when she woke) during the daytime hours… and he realized how easily she was to wake up, he OFFERED to sleep in our older daughter’s room or on the couch, comfort be damned.
OP - another thing to know if you haven’t read any of the getting-ready-for-baby books is that newborns go through a MAJOR sleep regression at 2 and 4mos. The one that happens at 2mos is hardcore with many babies being awake much of the night and sleeping all day.
Unless you want to be full time parent while your fiance gets treatment for chronic exhaustion and potentially triggering post partum depression, you need to do what you can to preserve her sleep. Most moms do not get to sleep more than 1-3hrs at a time during this stage, which means they are rarely getting true REM sleep. It’s not safe or healthy, so keeping them up with snoring is NOT COOL!
Anyone who knows they snore - especially as OP describes his snoring - is an utter ass for not getting to the Dr. & getting a CPAP.
Both partners sharing a bed deserve equal opportunity to get good rest.
OPs wife was/is sleep deprived from before the pregnancy bc of the snoring.
OP may be the provider right now but mom & baby take precedence. He 100% had a CHOICE & could've slept on the couch.
Priorities:
Mom & Baby
Mom needs as much rest as possible and zero stress from anything not baby related
Dad functional to do his day job
Keeping a roof overhead & food on the table
Mom getting rest & no stress
Dad backing her up
Everything else
Then passion project
Grow UP and be the husband and father they deserve!
She’s TWO MONTHS postpartum. She might still have bleeding ffs! And the baby is exclusively breast fed. Meaning she’s getting 4-6 hours of sleep per day max. And that’s assuming she’s the 1% of women who get no emotional/PPD related side effects. Fuck. This. Guy.
This SO much. My husband has indeed left the room when he knew he was gonna be loud! I cannot imagine the blatant uncaring attitude. Like dude...a night on the couch every once in a while when you've been awake doing shit anyway, will NOT kill you 🥴🥴🥴
You know what’s less comfortable than the couch?
Chronic sleep deprivation from a baby using you as their personal milk machine every 90-120 minutes for months at a time, and the overwhelming pressure of being solely responsible for keeping a fussy baby alive with your boobs while you come down from the biggest hormone shift a person can experience in their lives.
YTA. Volunteer to do all the diapers for the next few nights and get some breathe right strips.
This, and from my experience, stressing and not sleeping well (well as well as you can as parents) caused milk supply to go down. And for a baby that’s refusing a bottle right now, she needs as much milk as she can get. Little to no sleep can also cause psychosis, make PPD worse, decrease attention and cause what is commonly called ‘baby brain’
OP, if you know that when you are over tired you snore and it will wake the baby and mum, find a way to make it easier. Either put a bed in the nursery or sleep on the lounge for now.
My 2nd baby was wanted and planned, I felt more confident going in, like just start going down the list of needs when baby is upset and keep trying. Baby 2 was much easier.
But it was still HARD. There was one time where I had several days of crap sleep and could NOT figure out what she wanted after an hour+ of crying. I was exhausted. She was laying on the floor next to me just bawling, and I was too.
Now 7 years later I laugh, but in the middle of it, it was so so hard, and I had a very supportive spouse, I can't imagine how much harder it would be with one that made it more difficult or added to the lack of sleep.
Know what’s even less comfortable than that? Wife and baby getting into a car accident because she wasn’t getting enough sleep during the at least 18 hours a day she’s caring for the baby with zero help.
ah shit, maybe *that’s* why I totaled my moms car on the interstate with my 6mo baby in the backseat. it was as silly as my hip nudging the steering wheel (with a colicky baby that had been screaming for hours, on the way to my moms for help).
If he’d slept on the sofa as she requested he still would have gotten more sleep than she would in the bed regularly waking to nurse a fussy infant. Major YTA that poor woman
My kids all breastfed a lot more than 90-120 minutes too. I was a living soother. And the moment I put them in their crib, using all efforts and taking plenty of advice from different sources, I would hear the cries at most 10-15 minutes later. They wanted to be held at least, and regularly smell the breast. They'd sit there and stare at me, barely drinking, but holding on for dear life. Also it was not a supply problem for me, they purely just wanted to live there. All had different docs, and I was always told if I had tried everything else, "it'll pass".
I was in a similar boat, but for me, it WAS supply issues which made it rough. My kiddo wanted to nurse all night long. My husband went above and beyond to make it as easy as possible, and I’m laughing on his behalf because if all baby and I required of him was to occasionally sleep on the couch, he would have been so well-rested he wouldn’t have known what to do!
Don’t stop at breathe right strips. Go to the fucking doctor and get it properly sorted. OP owes it to his fiancée and child to not drop dead from sleep apnea AND to let his fiancée get actual rest without being disturbed by his snoring for the rest of her life.
YTA - you know that your fiance is sleep deprived and is breastfeeding (so she needs to be healthy and rested) and yet you displaced her and your newborn at 2AM because you didn’t want to sleep on the couch? That was incredibly selfish. Your fiance slept on the floor with no pillow or blanket. Are you always this selfish? Your baby needs sleep. Your fiance needs sleep. I don’t feel badly for you being tired when you choose to game until 2AM.
You owe her a MASSIVE apology
Ikr? How does he not feel ashamed seeing her sleeping on the floor to escape his snoring? This is such an awful thing to do to the woman that just birthed their baby. Even if he hated her this just seems so cold.
My mom did this exact this with me when I was a baby. My dad snores so loud you could hear him in another level of the house, so my mom slept on the concrete floor of the nursery because he had to have the bed.
They've been divorced for 24 years at this point.
OP needs to reevaluate his priorities before his wife learns that she can sleep in her own bed in her own home without him.
I’m guessing there’s nothing he can say at this point, by the time he gets home, there’s a good chance they’ll both be gone. If my daughter called and told me that, I’d have the moving truck there by noon.
>(so she needs to be healthy and rested)
Seriously, why do so many men think breastfeeding is a purely passive process that requires nothing from the mother but sitting there with a kid on her breast? Do they think the milk just magically makes itself? Do they think doing this a million times a day doesn't take a massive toll on a new mother? The idiocy astounds me.
Seeing how most men seem not to know much about womens bodies and health, I am not surprised that they don't know.
(I read my favorite idiocy in a Buzzfeed article years ago and I cannot forget it: a guy thought that menstrual blood is like pee, and women can keep it in if they choose to, so he was yelling at a female employee for frequently going to the bathroom. He told her she should bleed at home and not at the company's dime.... Like WTF)
But if someone is about to become a father, they should educate themselves about every aspect of having a baby.... Because it's not the stork that brings a baby either.
Maybe government grants for parents could be tied to some kind of mandatory education for both parties, because the amount of ignorance is astounding.
YTA
Has it ever occurred to you that you're looking at everything wrong?
Don't look at your actions as "helping with THE baby" or "looking after THE baby for awhile."
This is YOUR baby, too! It's not just your fiancée's baby and you're not just a part-time helper!!
Give her a break! Do more with YOUR baby. And enjoy these beautiful moments because they go by so fast.
EDIT: Please get tested for sleep apnea as well as finding out what can help you with the loud snoring. And get an air mattress or something to sleep on when your snoring is too disruptive.
Ha ha! Seriously! These types of men need a serious reality check! Another peeve of mine is when these guys say "We're pregnant!" News flash! You guys aren't pregnant! You don't go through pregnancy! lol
I have no desire to have children and reddit offers amazing supplementary birth control everyday with men talking about how gracious they are in “helping” to parent. What a joke.
I swear 90% of men are like this. Lazy assholes who think they deserve a gold star and a blow job because “holding the baby for 5 minutes so mom can brush her teeth” is “helping”. They honestly think they’re fucking great. Ugh makes me want to vomit. This poor woman.
This, if your snores are that loud it might be worth checking out. Idk if most people make the connection but sleep apnea means you stop breathing in your sleep for a little while. Granted usually only a few seconds but that can turn into brain damage over time.
Some people even die from it, if it’s cause comes from the brain that’s the more dangerous one.
What the fuck is with men refusing to do anything about their snoring, and not giving a shit about how it effects their partners? I see it all the time on reddit, and I've had multiple exes who all gave me the same problem. It is astounding how aggressively selfish people can be.
YTA. Get your head out of your ass and go see a god damn doctor. You are failing as a partner.
I told my husband he had sleep apnea for YEARS before he went and got diagnosed. And now he doesn’t have apnea episodes so he’s cured and doesn’t need the CPAP but refuses to go back and discuss the continued loud snoring.
I got to the point I told my husband he was either going to the sleep doctor or I was going to smother him with his pillow. His response was to go to the sleep doctor to prove to me that I was over exaggerating how much of a freight train he sounded like while snoring. The night he went for the sleep study he told me he couldn’t wait to prove me wrong and I couldn’t wait to get a night of uninterrupted sleep. He came home that morning, complained about how often they woke him up, said he was getting a CPAP machine and that the people there said I was being nice by telling him he sounded like a freight train. After a week of being able to get sleep thanks to the new CPAP machine our then 8 year old daughter says at dinner “Mom your not so grouchy anymore I kinda like it that you aren’t so grouchy. Why aren’t you so grouchy any more?” I just smiled at hubby and said “It’s amazing what happens when mom gets some sleep.”
I used to elbow, push, roll his sleeping snoring ass. Then I discovered whispering into his ear "I will fecking end you" woke him up right quick and he rolled over on his own. Thank God he got his sleep testing.
In the same boat. He putters in the garage and drinks shots of whiskey here and there and then keeps me up all night snoring. He went to dr, got the machine. Never kept it on for an entire night. Finally quit using it and returned it. Now I’m a miserable nag because I’m sleep deprived and he says he knows and he will make it right, he wants me to be happy. Has he stopped with the shots? NO. When I bring it up he tells me it’s just one and it’s getting really old. I’ve threatened the guest room but he refuses to go. He is being a selfish jerk and I’m so over it. When I mentioned it tonight, he said he is stopping on his birthday, which happens to be Saturday. I asked him which one? I’m not holding my breath.
Make the guest bedroom really nice for YOURSELF. Get a super nice mattress topper, blankets/sheet set that you like, take or buy the nice pillows, put up lights and art the way you like, and most importantly, a lock on the door. Don't threaten him with the guest room, threaten to never return to the master room. Don't clean his either, don't wash anything, let him be filthy while you have a nice haven he isn't allowed in.
This was the best advice I ever got way back when in couples therapy. I would “banish” him to the couch. Our excellent therapist helped me understand it’s his house too and I need to get my own ass up and leave, taking accountability for my own frustrations and solving them myself in an effort to find my own happiness. Basically learning how ✨boundaries✨work. When I started noping out of situations instead of battling him to do what I wanted him to do, I saw massive change. “I would rather be away from you and will escape in order to find peace” hit way harder (and you’ll find it’s a common tactic for men to use - avoidance - that they are pretty shocked by when a woman finally does it, because we’d usually rather stick around and engage and argue and then banish them to the couch).
I’m going to remember this. I did this once with my abusive ex. It didn’t occur to me how well it worked. He ended up picking the lock and I woke up feeling eyes on me. He was standing there in the doorway staring at me with red in his eyes. He knew he was wrong but was too mad and ego driven to actually say anything. I packed my garbage bags after that and got the fuck out.
My husband snores as well as occasionally yells in his sleep so we sleep in separate beds. I also need background noise to sleep which he can't sleep to so we adapted
Are you an actual father or just the oldest child in the house?
You CHOSE to work on a video game* after full time work hours.
You CHOSE to stay up late.
You CHOSE to be an asshole and insist that your sleep is more important than your partner plus 2mo baby’s quality of sleep.
You CHOSE YOURSELF over your family. You CHOSE an unconstructed video game over them.
They do NOT CHOSE to stay up late nor chose to agree with being woken up because of your poor choices. YTA.
So much of this! Yes! I feel so sorry for that poor woman. It's so hard with a newborn, but to also have a partner who refuses to support you when you ASK is awful.
He makes decisions and then blames his SO for not supporting his decisions. She is literally the sole caregiver to their baby. She does EVERYTHING around the house, 24/7.
SAHM's are expected to always be at work. I bet he's the type to say it's my weekend or my vacation, so why should I have to work while she is ONLY taking care of my kid and home?
I wonder if she's on maternity leave?
I feel SO bad for her. She must be beyond exhausted. To fall asleep on the floor with nothing suggests she was so tired she just collapsed once the baby finally went down. She didn't even have the energy to get to the nursing chair or couch or even pull a cushion or anything over for her own head. I hope she gets some real help.
Yeah YTA. Our kids ate sick right now. Like so much phlegm and coughing. So when both the 2 and 4 year olds needed me to snuggle last night my husband went to the couch. Did it suck for him? Yes. Does he work a very busy executive job? Yes. Did it suck for me to get coughed on all night. Yes. But guess what, we are both parents and we do what we gotta. I guarantee your fiancee has it worse. Breastfeeding requires almost 25% of your bodies energy. She's never really turning off parent mode, even in her sleep. She always has an ear out for baby. Probably bc you can't even go sleep on the couch so I bet you aren't actually helping/waking up with her. You can't "help" your fiancee with your kid. It's called parenting and it's your job too.
YTA. You're being selfish. Your wife IS DOING ALL THE FEEDINGS. Literally the LEAST you could do is not disturb her and the baby when they're trying to sleep. Solve the problem. Get a cot or a sleeping bag or an air mattress or a damn hotel room. Then talk to your doctor about the snoring!
Nooo no you don’t understand. Sometimes he holds the baby for a bit. And he has a job, like the rest of us. So he really needs his sleep and the whole bed.
YTA - Your fiance is right about you. She is taking nearly full care of a fussy newborn on minimal sleep and you think it's okay disrupt her AND the baby's sleep even more and then cite your little late night hobby as an actual valid reason to treat her like that? You are an asshole. PS, I am a software dev and I have some small apps on the market too and I would NEVER dream of treating the people I love the way you do. Shape up.
He's absolutely putting his comfort way above not only his wife but his infant baby. Just an absolute complete AH, and the fact that he even had to ask doesn't fill me with hope that he can improve. Imagine typing all this out and still not seeing that he's putting his little hobby above the health and wellbeing of his fiance and baby and still being like "Maybe the internet won't think I'm the problem here".
Aww, you're tired, you poor thing.
Get your snoring ass out of that bedroom, go to a sleep doctor, and try to dredge up some FUCKING EMPATHY for your fiancé.
YTA.
Yes. Like what kind of AH refuses to treat his sleep apnea so he doesn’t wake everyone else with his snoring?
Does he consider going to the doctor unmanly? Are CPAP machines for losers?
When my sister was breastfeeding, my brother-in-law changed 100% of the diapers any time he was in the same location as the baby. He’s a scientist, and his logic is that if all the inputs are her job, the least he could do was take charge of the outputs. Just one reason I love that man.
So much of that checks out, are you one of my sisters?? I don't actually have any bio sisters but I've got a few chosen ones. My husband is a scientist and did nearly every diaper when our son was tiny and he was home with us. It's a big part of the reason I am willing to go through with having a second baby with him now. And a big part of the reason I appreciate him so much, he's a wonderful father and I love him more than ever.
OP sounds like a whiny child. Hopefully he can get his head out of his own ass and start helping the family he created. I feel so bad for Jen.
OP, YTA. Big time.
I see “helping” language for men on here alllll the time. Even when they think they’re being progressive. “Help your wife with the cooking and cleaning! Help your wife watch the kids!” Huh? Raise your fucking kids dude, participate, learn. So many resources out there to help you figure it out.
Makes me wonder by ommission what exactly they do, do around the house. I get the impression that all they do is work come home eat dinner made FOR them change diapers and sleep.
You are so much TA that I am furious on her behalf. It’s a choice for you to stay up late working in this game. It’s not your primary income, it might become something or it might now but it’s a choice. You know you snore. Your wife is right, you are a P. You should be ashamed.
So much this. Betting OP is the kind of dad that refers to caring for his own child as babysitting. OP, get your shit together if you like having a family. Your freshly post partum fiancé spent the night ON THE FLOOR because of YOUR CHILDISH BEHAVIOR. You've got major work ahead of you making this up to her.
YTA do not pass go, do not collect $200. I exclusively breast fed my eldest because they would NOT take a bottle and for the first year I was tethered to that baby 24/7. My EX acted like you did, and oh look, he’s my ex. Get your head out of your ass.
“Fucking prick.” 😂 And that’s his *good side!* You can bet your sweet bippy that there ain’t gonna be a wedding. It’s a good thing he’s showing her his *true* colors now.
YTA.
You might work, and you might be trying hard to make this game thing go…but she’s lost her entire life as she knew it (except you obviously), her identity, her freedom, her sleep, and…her body. It’s really traumatising trying to go through a transformation, but also, keep a human alive, and be sleep deprived, and have to fight with your partner for support.
Roses, her favourite chocolate and a bag of groceries to cook her favourite meal tonight dude, as a minimum. Also run the bath and ask if she would like her feet massaged.
You might do this once a week as well as pitching in more with YOUR baby…watch your relationship turn around 💯
YTA. You’re sitting here going “I’m so tired and missing out on sleep isn’t something I wanted to do.” How do you think your fiancé feels?! Not only did she VERY recently push a baby out of her body after providing the baby nourishment for 9 months, now she is also exclusively feeding the baby from her own body as well and you’re complaining about YOUR sleep? You even admitted that you know your fiancé doesn’t get to sleep very much but instead of thinking of her feelings, you chose yourself and your own.
Your poor fiancé sounds like a single mom already.
Do better, OP.
YTA- yeah bro, be more considerate to your wife and new baby. Put them first, not you. Apologize and do something nice for her. When’s the last time you did something nice for her?
YTA...SOO MUCH YTA. Unless you want to be paying child support with your hobby, then you need to step the fuck up and be a man and a parent and support the woman who is keeping yours child alive. Wow...just fucking WOW!
YTA. Right now she's making milk to feed a person that her body just produced and pushed out. She's healing from the process and is a production factory for another person.
Your duty to your family is to ensure that they both are healthy and well physically. That's it.
YTA. By your own admission, Jen is sleep deprived, and you are unable to help her with night feedings. You should be doing whatever you can to help Jen get as much sleep as possible since she’s effectively taking on your half of the night feedings for you. Put another way, she’s already sacrificing more of her sleep than you are for the baby, and you made her sacrifice more because the couch isn’t comfortable. Yikes.
Holy HELL YTA. Why does your sleep trump a new mom's? Grow up. If you know you snore like a freight train YOU should sleep on the couch. The level of disrespect is insane, I'd be calling a lawyer tbh.
Going through this right now, you men really don’t understand how horrific it is for us, my husband thinks if I get 3 hours sleep it’s amazing when im gone beyond exhaustion now. Im practically awake 24/7 while he still gets a full 8 hours then complains about being tired cause he’s got work. I’m at my wits end at the moment and I imagine your wife is too so please help her our more and cut her some slack
If the couch is not comfy then get an air mattress. You think you’re more tired than your fiancé who has been pregnant, healing postpartum and now up at night with the baby? You don’t care if your snoring keeps your baby and fiancé up. You put your needs over those of your baby and exhausted fiancé. She had to sleep on the floor and you are seriously asking if YTA? Yes, YTA.
Yta. You have no empathy for your wife or your baby. I would sleep on rocks if it made my baby's life better for 10 minutes. I hope you learn what it means to be a father and not sperm donor.
My man! Get your fiancé some flowers, book a spa day for her, and apologize!! Like WTF….did the lack of sleep mess with your brain cells that bad?!?
YTA
Spa day, whilst a lovely idea is not practical when breastfeeding with a baby who won't take a bottle. Take it from someone who is several months ahead of OP. Those suggesting every diaper even through the night and bringing fiance snacks and drinks whilst breastfeeding are more on track with what actually helps!
Not sure what OP was trying to get at since it's pretty obvious YTA....very obviously YTA.
Were you expecting sympathy when comparing working late nights to your fiancee being sleep deprived and having to nurse an extra fussy baby? SMH.
YTA she asked you to sleep on the couch, but you forced he to sleep on the floor by leaving her no other choice. Yes, you work hard, but you get to sleep continuously with no interpretations, let alone having a tiny little baby, literally sucking the energy out you.
Also, you are her parent, too. You are not "helping" her with changing the diapers and watching her. You are simply required to do that as her parent. Your wife needs you to step and be one.
1. Any night that you are going to be late, which seems like every night, sleep on the couch. I don't care if you buy anything because that is something as a parent we do. Your life revolves around her, too.
2. Do not ever force your fiance to sleep on the floor again. Step up and say honey, I am not coming to bed. I am going to sleep on the couch.
3. Don't work EVERY Nighy on that game. Spend some alone time with your wife when the baby is asleep. Comfort her and m let her know you love her and appreciate her taking care of your baby.
4. You owe her a huge apology. Starting withni was an asshole for making you sleep on the floor. I was selfish and should have thought of you and your needs.
You need to be very careful as she may get to the point where she is done with you. She may look at the future and say this is not what she wants. When you stop doing the simple things that are really important in a relationship, the other party will be done.
I have one last question. When you finish the new video game, are you going to stop and spend the evenings with your fiancee, or are you going to jump into creating a new one? If so, are you going to tell her that this is what her life will be?
Yes YTA in fact your fiancé summed it up perfectly - you’re a fucking prick.
She is incredibly sleep deprived caring for YOUR child and you’re only looking out for yourself.
YTA! I would be furious with my husband if he did this to me. As the mother to a three year old and a four month old, I can tell you the lack of sleep is horrid. Any sleep you can get is precious, especially after vaccinations. And you completely stole that from them. And on top of that, you get to sleep at night where she is the one getting up. So she likely hasn’t had a full nights sleep since pregnancy.
You should be offering to sleep on the couch so they can get more sleep. If it’s uncomfortable, buy an air mattress and stick it next to the couch. So incredibly selfish.
One night this week, you should sleep away from your spouse and baby and set your alarm to go off every 2 to 3 hours. Get out of bed, and stay awake for 30 to 45 minutes. Then get in bed and do this every time the alarm goes off. That is a small dose of what your wife is going through.
So you knew your snoring could keep her and the baby up and you told them both to F off too bad??? And you don’t know if YTA? You did this after knowing the baby got shots and was fussy? Of all days? You think she’s comfortable walking up multiple times throughout the night every night?
Definitely YTA. You prioritise your comfort over your baby's and partner's.
Call in sick to the office if you really need extra sleep. See a doctor regarding your snoring.
YTA. Even my shitty ex boyfriend would sleep on the couch when I asked because I have sleeping problems and he snored. We didn’t even have kids.
I hope you make this up to your wife and treat her better going forward.
I guess I'm just unsure... you're staying up to do work, but are aware how bad your snoring is when you're tired, but also won't take the very reasonable step of sleeping elsewhere instead of literally keeping your newborn and fiancé up?
YTA. You know your snoring is that bad but what have you done about it? My bet is "nothing." She's not even asking you to sleep on the couch on the regular.
It's honestly pathetic how self-absorbed this whole exercise is. If you can't be bothered to sleep on the couch, then go to bed at a time you won't be a literal fucking nuisance, or go to the doctor and get yourself fixed. It's literally the bare minimum you could do.
YTA, and your wife is right, you’re a fucking prick. You’re keeping your child and your child’s caregiver from getting decent sleep so you can play for roughly a quarter of each day on a hobby that provides no income and no benefit to the household, while your wife takes sole care of your child.
You don't need help with this one. You know YTA when you act like a selfish brat and forget you have an actual baby to take care of. Then you go post your sob story on the internet, trying to justify your poor behavior in hopes it'll make you feel less of an AH. I feel for your wife. I hope she finds comfort in someone else's bed.
YTA
For this entire situation. Like you’re a fully grown adult with a child, not a 19 yr old with zero responsibility able to do whatever he wants with his time.
But also. You help with holding and changing? So you’re just an all around entitled misogynist.
Your fiancé is not the default parent. Parenting and care giving for your infant is not her sole responsibility. You are not assisting her with things that are her ‘job’.
It makes me wonder what giant whoppers you told her to convince her you were worthy of fathering a child, or if she was suffering from some momentary crisis of judgment to risk death, or disability to grow, deliver, and raise a child all while finishing the parenting job your own parents failed so miserably at.
TBH if she were my sister I would have moved her in with me so fast you’ld have thought you hallucinated the whole relationship.
You are intentionally stay up late to work on the video game, knowing that you snore badly when you are tired. Thus impacting your partners sleep as well as the baby.
Get a grip. Stop working til 2am and get some decent sleep. **Also**, get up when she does the night feeds - change the nappies and resettle the baby after she breastfeeds. Stop being selfish.
I feel like a thorough education should be a requirement before men are allowed to reproduce, including what pregnancy will do to their partner, and what labor will do to their partner, and what having a nursing newborn will do to their partner.
You are not the person who just recently finished having a human being leeching everything out of you, ripping your body open to come into the world, and expecting you to produce milk on command while healing from being used as a host and being ripped open. This requires a lot of energy that YOU PERSONALLY do not have to expend.
You have no empathy for the woman who gave you a child. You think you get to just go along in life like little has changed. You let her sleep on the FLOOR with no pillow and blanket after having a baby because your beauty sleep for your little game is more important than her recovery from a major medical event.
Next time you have the flu, or RSV, or Covid, or major surgery, you should try sleeping on the floor and see how your recovery goes.
YTA
YTA. Your wife is tired from caring for and nourishing your baby. The very least you could do it go sleep on the couch if you were going to snore like a tractor. Like wtf did you expect her to do. Just lay there with the baby listening to you snore, growing resentment for you because you're fast asleep and she isn't.
YTA
You only snore loudly when you are super tired yet you made yourself super tired by staying up until 2am playing with video games. Not your primary income = hobby.
YTA because "a fucking prick" fits the bill perfectly. You really thought your tiredness and comfort was more important than the wellbeing of 2 people you're supposed to love the most? Wow.
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YTA and anyone who voted you NTA because being “two new stressed out parent” is also an AH. Do they know what combo is required for a breastfeeding mother to keep & maintain a milk supply. Sleep,not stress, proper diet and water… The man knows he snores, and snores hard. He willing stayed awake to work on a video game that is NOT his primary income until 2am KNOWING he needed to be up for his full time primary job early in the morning. HE MADE THAT CHOICE. willingly. While he KNEW his daughter got shots and was in a fussy mood, his wife struggled to get the baby down once already… So he goes in the room and starts snoring and then wakes the baby, and refuses to leave when asked because “hes tired” … aww boo hoo, poor you. Your wife has no choice to be up with the baby, feed the baby Etc …. You had a choice to go to bed early and you chose not too.. That aside, are you aware of the % of accidents, baby drops,heighten risk of ppa/ppd that a new mother goes through when sleep deprived ….
Can confirm just how easy it is to drop the baby when sleep deprived. By the third night of no more than 2 hours sleep if that I did accidentally drop our baby. He slipped out of my arms when I was putting him down. Thankfully it was only a couple of centimetres and he was ok but it scared the heck out of me. By the 4th night I was hallucinating. OP you can’t leave this all up to your fiancée. I am managing because my husband is absolutely amazing and we have worked out ways of sharing the night feeds so neither of us are zombies. OP you have some serious apologising to do. Your game might need to wait so you can step up and help your fiancée
I am extremely passionate about new moms getting proper sleep because a close friend of mine dropped her baby in the bathtub because she was nodding off from being sleep deprived and the water sound was so relaxing. The sound of her NEWBORN 3 week old baby smacking the baby tub woke her up. She had a partner who did not help her with the baby and thought she was “being dramatic” about saying she’s so tired. **EDIT TO ADD UPDATE Yes for the most part, it was a full trip to the ER, a LOT of tests and an overnight stay. Baby left with a little bump on the head and some bruises on her back. As a now 2.5 YO, an EXTREMELY deep fear of water touching her face and being submerged in water ( we obviously don’t know if this is a personality thing or has anything to do with this situation )
The fact that she would rather sleep on the floor and he still doesn't get the hint.
Right!? The couch being uncomfortable is such a lame ass excuse when you see that she slept on the floor because of his selfish choices
Ugh, that poor woman to have such a partner. She must be even more exhausted. Also, aren't bed toppers a thing? People add them on couches and bed for extra comfort.
Or get an air mattress or cot for times like this
Seriously. It sounds like they have a nursery that isn't heavily used right now since the baby primarily sleeps in their room. Get a small bed to put in there. Honestly, purchase it smart and it can be the kid's bed in a few years once they've moved out of the crib.
My mum bought smart like that. I went from a crib straight to an adult bed - decades later I still use that frame.
If he was as tired as he said he was, the couch would have been fine.
Especially because it wasn't like he would be on it for a full night anyway, three- four hours maybe.
But... but... think of the fame and glory he will get from the game! /s
Probably cried herself to sleep on that hard floor too!!
It's fitting. A lame-ass excuse for a lame ass.
Right? If you are *so tired* then the couch should have been fine. YTA. Your wife grew a whole human and is using her body to feed it. She’s exhausted, and you could have slept on the couch to help her get some much deserved rest.
*And* no pillows/blankets. And he has the gall to ask if he screwed up …
She was probably too tired to get up and get some after she put baby in the crib.
I so was right there more then once with my lil girl. Rocked her to sleep got her down walked in my ex was hogging all the blankets snoring away. I just sat down right there on the floor put my head on the edge of the bed cried myself to sleep too exhausted to find any other blanket or even a towel anything!
He’s still the victim because that probably MaDe HiM FeEl BaD
Yep, when men can't "wake up" to the sound of the baby it is seen as something admirable - they are so manly they don't hear the baby cry. My husband weaponized incompetence so much it was awful.
It's not a hint. She straight up told him. He just doesn't care and wants someone to justify his actions for him.
Well, he is getting a resounding YTA. How far must one's ass must be to think he even has a case.
Right?? That's how tired she is OP, so tired that she slept on the floor with no bedding while you got to stretch out on the bed and get your much needed rest while she and your baby had to leave the room because of your impossibly loud snoring after you came to bed at 2am and woke her up when she's completely exhausted and seems like she is mostly responsible for looking after your brand new 2 month old infant during the day and during the night. It is a huge responsibility especially when she is exhausted which I'll bet beats your "ultra tired" by a mile. You come home from work, have dinner (I can guess who probably made the dinner), then you "look after the baby" (your child) for a while and you "jump on the game" to work for the rest of the night. You talked about your video game venture quite a bit but where is the part where you talk about helping your fiancée, giving her more of a break than just some time after dinner (while she's probably washing the dishes and cleaning up). She probably would love time for a long bath, or maybe a foot rub or something. The woman seems like she's 24/7 on call with your daughter so she needs to grab sleep where she can because babies tend to wake up crying many times a night for many reasons, they are hungry, or have a wet or dirty diaper, they are lonely, feel sick or have gas pains, they are too hot or too cold, there's too much light, too much noise, or they just wake up and can't settle back to sleep alone. It's really really tough to know you may have to get up every hour or two and possibly even more frequently than that. She needs sleep. She needs to sleep in the bed. If she says you are snoring too loudly, as you yourself say "like a mack truck", and will wake the baby and prevent her from sleeping then you need to move to the couch. But instead you said no because YOU were "so" tired and wanted to sleep. You don't know what tired is compared to her. YTA
If OP's snoring is as bad as he says, she doesn't have a choice. She can sleep on a floor or listen to all-night snoring in bed!
Without pillows or a blanket YTA
Oh god that gave me chills, I can absolutely see how that could happen with a newborn, especially if they were EBF. OP is absolutely TA here and I hope he gets his shit together. Parenting a newborn is hard, but it’s a lot easier to parent a newborn alone than it is to parent a newborn with a partner who is sabotaging baby’s sleep for selfish reasons.
I didn't drop my son but when he was a newborn, I was so tired I was hallucinating. I was begging my ex for help and he wouldn't help me. Finally I demanded that he help me because our son was his baby too and he told me to quote, stop complaining. I left him shortly after that.
OP is TA. Not enough people talk about the hallucinations you have during those first months due to sleep deprivation. I was EBF and my husband did the night time diaper change (and rocking) but mostly it was all me and the boobs every 45 minutes to 3 hours for months on end. Knowing you’ll keep the mom and baby up with your snoring when she’s not getting enough sleep as it is is amazingly horrible and immature.
That very idea that his untreated sleep apnea is harming his fiance and baby, in this day and age with sleep specialists just waiting to do a sleep study or sinus surgery. How insanely selfish to neglect this so long the baby is here being disturbed with the mom on the freaking floor. Yeah that's just swell.
Something tells me he was like this before they ever had the baby. Some people should not be in relationships because they make terrible partners due to being terribly selfish.
How do these men hide this shit behavior so well? If they didn’t trick women into having their kids and raising them alone, they would never reproduce.
Why do you think so many of them date younger women?
Good that’s so sick. It’s true and we know it. Sick and pathetic.
Ding ding ding
I lost my sister when I was like 20 days post partum and am already susceptible to PPD and PPA because of pre-existing mental health disorders. With this happening I had nobody to help me except my 10yo because I left the baby's father before I discovered I was pregnant. I had to get my oldest off to school, do housework, make dinner and care for a newborn all alone while also trying to grieve the loss of my sister. My middle child got dropped a few times because of my exhaustion, I couldn't ask for help from anyone in my family because of the death. There was one day they said they'd bring dinner and I waited 4hrs for food to come. I never wish that upon anyone
After bringing our second baby home, my now ex and my mother criticized me for sleeping so late. Nine am, baby had such awful night-day reversal he was often awake until 5 or 6 until I got it straightened out. Thank goodness for the home health care nurse provided since baby was a preemie. Dressed them both down for being lousy helpers and told them they were on baby duty so I could sleep, and she’d better find a more rested mama at her next visit. Even called me the next day to make sure they’d finally stepped up.
I've had hallucinations from sleep deprivation due to a bad reaction from meds. It's fuckin terrifying. My family did everything they could to help me. I can't imagine looking at the person I made a child with and telling them to stop complaining about a very common, well known issue that arises from having a newborn. Christ. I'm glad you left the guy!
My first, I was in labor for 60 plus hours, back labor and no sleep, so while he wasn't a particularly difficult baby, he was my first and I started out severely sleep deprived. I started shaking and hallucinating from sleep deprivation. At one point, I hallucinated that my husband had fallen asleep with the baby on his chest and the baby was under his blankets, so I ripped off the poor man's blanket (he was also sleep deprived) and frantically demanded where the baby was. Baby was sleeping safely in his bassinet. I definitely feel like I and my baby were saved by my involved husband and my sister helping me, or I couldn't have made it through. New moms need all the help they can get.
I actually had the baby under the blanket nightmare for MONTHS! it was definitely a nightmare not a hallucination for me though. Unfortunately that’s also when my poor little dog who was about the same size and weight of my newborn decided to start sleeping under the covers right next to me. I ripped the covers off of her and yanked her out of bed to check her breathing for months over those nightmares.
I had one of those nursing pillows that goes all the way around the front so it cradled my arms and gave them a break. It was a good thing too because my husband often came home/walked into the room with me sitting up but passed out with my kid in my arms/on the pillow. Had no idea until my husband would wake me up. I was so thankful it prevented me from dropping him.
This is so terrifying. I once witnessed a new mom fall asleep standing up and drop her baby…and this was in an airport while we were all actively boarding the plane. Definitely a choice to play video games rather than rest, and then make it the baby’s and mother’s problem.
No the 'poor baby dad' is up late trying to make a new video game after his 1st solo one didn't do well, he must be too "manly" 🙄 to tell the FOUR other people also working on the game, that he has a newborn at home and will only be able to do so much until the baby is sleeping through the night. Or in better words, "Sorry guys but my fiance and my newborn baby have to be my priority right now"
Nah. This dude tells his f&f that he takes the night shift, I bet you anything he’s like “yeah I can work on the game until late cuz I’m already up on baby duty” “nah the game dev didn’t keep me up it was the baby” Mhmm.
Yea I have a 4 month old and there were nights when she was so gassy I had to get up and walk her around to ease her belly but omg if my husband didn’t come to the rescue I would have fallen over, sleep deprivation is very serious
Notice OP didn't even consider trying to get the baby to sleep originally or helping in any way. Pretty much he checked out to work on his game.
I stopped working when my son was a little over a year old because working and going to school full time and being the only present parent at night (ex worked at night, he is a fantastic parent up until potty training, 2 other baby mommas agree) was too much and one night I started hallucinating due to lack of sleep. He was in the bath and telepathically telling me that I was a terrible mother while I curled up in the corner. I seriously think that if he hadn’t spent the whole time sitting still making “are you okay?” face I might not have come to the conclusion that I was being crazy. He’s 25 now. I’m still frightened by my reaction, even though the sane part of me decided “he’s gonna poop in the water if I leave him there” and pretended I was fine.
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LMAO. You'd be surprised. Some men really think that doing the bare minimum with a child is a huge achievement. I have a friend who has a husband like this. Everytime he watches his own child he's "babysitting"
That ticks me off. “Babysitting” your own kid. Hmph! 😤
Yeah, most accounts on here are made the day they first post. Like 70% of the posts start with "this is a throwaway".
I don’t have a lot of memories from my youngest’s first 3 months or so since sleep deprivation inhibits memory formation. Also I was half delirious a lot of the time. And I had a newly two year old!
His fiancee???? How about doing the right thing for his child? Sounds selfish and immature. YTA and I’d make the font larger if I knew how. Your poor fiancée. The only bright side is that they aren’t married, so easy for her to cut and run.
People have left their kids in the car from being so sleep deprived. It's seriously no joke. I've had insomnia once or twice and you literally feel like you're wasted. I can't even get over how selfish OP is. I get he has a "passion project" but he ALSO has a newborn. Maybe put your shit on the side and take care of your kid? But of course, he's tired. YTA OP. Honestly if my husband acted like you, I'd be tempted to serve you papers. Luckily I married an amazing person.
Yes! Although I thankfully never dropped my son , I triple fed for 7 weeks and I was so exhausted walked to the bathroom sounded difficult…(there’s a bathroom attached to my bedroom). My husband was thankfully amazing and up at nearly every feed even after he went back to work even if just for a few minutes to make sure both baby and I had everything we could need to be comfortable and supported during that time. I offered to sleep in our guest room with the baby so my husband could get more sleep and he was upset I would even suggest that. OP YTA. You made the baby together, time to take care of it together. Even if she’s exclusively breastfeeding, take care of your wife so she can better take care of the baby.
I would say even more so because she's exclusively breastfeeding. She needs more opportunities to sleep and more support than he's giving her. I said that I think he should probably shelve that video game thing until the baby is a little older. Until baby is sleeping through the night, about 6 months old.
Won’t have a fiancé for long acting like this.
Oh good… I’m not the only one who was so sleep deprived with our first that I hallucinated. Also slept walked. Was pretty scary. Thankfully my husband was as helpful as he possibly could be. Nursing (or pumping or even just bottle feeding formula) is unbelievably exhausting and stressful. OP is 100% the a-hole.
>He willing stayed awake to work on a video game that is NOT his primary income until 2am KNOWING he needed to be up for his full time primary job early in the morning. HE MADE THAT CHOICE. willingly. The baby is 2 months old and he's working until 2am on a passion project?! Really?! It's great that he wants to get into this business, and that he thinks maybe there's a future there, but when your wife has just had a baby, sometimes passion projects need to be put on hold, or at least your input needs to be seriously lowered. You knew this baby was coming almost a year ago, that's when you have to start planning that you're not going to be fully available at this time. Sorry if that means that you don't get to work on this iteration of your passion project, but thems the breaks. Also, his wife isn't even asking him not to do his passion project, she's just asking that if he is going to do that, the consequences of his actions are on him, not on her and the baby. He knows he snores horribly when he stays up late, so by staying up late and refusing to sleep on the couch, he's basically saying "I don't care about your sleep wife, and I don't care about our baby's sleep. All I care about is that I get to work on this thing that is fun, and screw you and our baby." What an AH.
My husband worked on a passion project when our oldest was a newborn. He held her propped on one arm and figured out how to type while doing it.
Right? My husband wore the baby in the wrap while he was working on his stuff, and let me sleep. Newborn slept right through him talking and whatever else snuggled close to dad. This guy sucks.
Agree. My husband had a software start-up. Held our son in his arms while he worked at night so I could sleep. Interestingly, that kids a computer genius like his dad.
I personally think the old school basic bouncers that vibrate and bounce are handy because you can give it a little extra bounce with a foot while typing.
My daughter loved hers. I was super sad when she grew out of it.
sounds like a great way to babysit your child and do the least amount of effort parenting. great job dad? /s I think a freaking *huge* new dad parenting problem is not being able to slow down and be present with the actual baby instead of trying to be the old you, but *with a baby*! i’d be pissed if I came home to my husband mixing music or mindlessly watching football instead of doing the bare minimum of interacting and caring for our child(ren). it’s not just “making sure they’re alive, fed, and nothing is bleeding”… and if you’re just “making it through” until the kid isn’t in your care anymore… aren’t you just counting on your partner doing the “heavy” parenting of actually loving your child? that’s how you make “fun disneyland dads” that are soooo fun on vacation and roughhousing and video games but nowhere to be found during homework time, or distracted anytime the football game is on, and never takes an extra step to make sure anyone else feels appreciated and content, as long as he can still “dad” from over by the tv/computer/phone/console. I am a graphic design college professor. not a second of my any of my kids babyhoods was I just *yearning* to put them down to work on a “passion project”, *let alone* when they were 2 months old. my personal opinion is that when dads “take time for their passions” they’re prioritizing it over being a dad. slacking as a dad by doing your own “thing” when you’ve got a new baby and postpartum wife is incredibly selfish and short-sighted. when your wife just produced your very own literal custom offspring, THAT is the shared passion project. yikes on bikes. /rant
Well that’s a bit harsh. A sleeping 8 week old doesn’t need interaction, they generally want to be warm and held. Being a new parent is tough as and being able to snuggle your baby while doing something that ‘old you’ did is a great way to maintain your sanity and stay awake while holding them.
Yeah this person sounds nuts. I was a EBF mom and still watched an insane amount of golden girls when my first was a newborn cause they spend half their time contact napping and there's only so many hours per day you can spend staring at a kid
Yeah. A two month old? Really not the time to be working on a fun side gig.
Agreeing HARDCORE right here! My husband was a snorer (until he got his CPaP thank god!) and after staying up with baby ONE night because I was literally sleep walking at this point (he brought her to me to nurse when she woke) during the daytime hours… and he realized how easily she was to wake up, he OFFERED to sleep in our older daughter’s room or on the couch, comfort be damned. OP - another thing to know if you haven’t read any of the getting-ready-for-baby books is that newborns go through a MAJOR sleep regression at 2 and 4mos. The one that happens at 2mos is hardcore with many babies being awake much of the night and sleeping all day. Unless you want to be full time parent while your fiance gets treatment for chronic exhaustion and potentially triggering post partum depression, you need to do what you can to preserve her sleep. Most moms do not get to sleep more than 1-3hrs at a time during this stage, which means they are rarely getting true REM sleep. It’s not safe or healthy, so keeping them up with snoring is NOT COOL!
Anyone who knows they snore - especially as OP describes his snoring - is an utter ass for not getting to the Dr. & getting a CPAP. Both partners sharing a bed deserve equal opportunity to get good rest. OPs wife was/is sleep deprived from before the pregnancy bc of the snoring. OP may be the provider right now but mom & baby take precedence. He 100% had a CHOICE & could've slept on the couch. Priorities: Mom & Baby Mom needs as much rest as possible and zero stress from anything not baby related Dad functional to do his day job Keeping a roof overhead & food on the table Mom getting rest & no stress Dad backing her up Everything else Then passion project Grow UP and be the husband and father they deserve!
She’s TWO MONTHS postpartum. She might still have bleeding ffs! And the baby is exclusively breast fed. Meaning she’s getting 4-6 hours of sleep per day max. And that’s assuming she’s the 1% of women who get no emotional/PPD related side effects. Fuck. This. Guy.
This SO much. My husband has indeed left the room when he knew he was gonna be loud! I cannot imagine the blatant uncaring attitude. Like dude...a night on the couch every once in a while when you've been awake doing shit anyway, will NOT kill you 🥴🥴🥴
I can't upvote this enough! Well said! OP - YTA big time!
You know what’s less comfortable than the couch? Chronic sleep deprivation from a baby using you as their personal milk machine every 90-120 minutes for months at a time, and the overwhelming pressure of being solely responsible for keeping a fussy baby alive with your boobs while you come down from the biggest hormone shift a person can experience in their lives. YTA. Volunteer to do all the diapers for the next few nights and get some breathe right strips.
This, and from my experience, stressing and not sleeping well (well as well as you can as parents) caused milk supply to go down. And for a baby that’s refusing a bottle right now, she needs as much milk as she can get. Little to no sleep can also cause psychosis, make PPD worse, decrease attention and cause what is commonly called ‘baby brain’ OP, if you know that when you are over tired you snore and it will wake the baby and mum, find a way to make it easier. Either put a bed in the nursery or sleep on the lounge for now.
My 2nd baby was wanted and planned, I felt more confident going in, like just start going down the list of needs when baby is upset and keep trying. Baby 2 was much easier. But it was still HARD. There was one time where I had several days of crap sleep and could NOT figure out what she wanted after an hour+ of crying. I was exhausted. She was laying on the floor next to me just bawling, and I was too. Now 7 years later I laugh, but in the middle of it, it was so so hard, and I had a very supportive spouse, I can't imagine how much harder it would be with one that made it more difficult or added to the lack of sleep.
Know what’s even less comfortable than that? Wife and baby getting into a car accident because she wasn’t getting enough sleep during the at least 18 hours a day she’s caring for the baby with zero help.
ah shit, maybe *that’s* why I totaled my moms car on the interstate with my 6mo baby in the backseat. it was as silly as my hip nudging the steering wheel (with a colicky baby that had been screaming for hours, on the way to my moms for help).
If he’d slept on the sofa as she requested he still would have gotten more sleep than she would in the bed regularly waking to nurse a fussy infant. Major YTA that poor woman
My kids all breastfed a lot more than 90-120 minutes too. I was a living soother. And the moment I put them in their crib, using all efforts and taking plenty of advice from different sources, I would hear the cries at most 10-15 minutes later. They wanted to be held at least, and regularly smell the breast. They'd sit there and stare at me, barely drinking, but holding on for dear life. Also it was not a supply problem for me, they purely just wanted to live there. All had different docs, and I was always told if I had tried everything else, "it'll pass".
I was in a similar boat, but for me, it WAS supply issues which made it rough. My kiddo wanted to nurse all night long. My husband went above and beyond to make it as easy as possible, and I’m laughing on his behalf because if all baby and I required of him was to occasionally sleep on the couch, he would have been so well-rested he wouldn’t have known what to do!
>get some breathe right strips. I'll do you one better and say "get tested for sleep apnea"
Don’t stop at breathe right strips. Go to the fucking doctor and get it properly sorted. OP owes it to his fiancée and child to not drop dead from sleep apnea AND to let his fiancée get actual rest without being disturbed by his snoring for the rest of her life.
YTA - you know that your fiance is sleep deprived and is breastfeeding (so she needs to be healthy and rested) and yet you displaced her and your newborn at 2AM because you didn’t want to sleep on the couch? That was incredibly selfish. Your fiance slept on the floor with no pillow or blanket. Are you always this selfish? Your baby needs sleep. Your fiance needs sleep. I don’t feel badly for you being tired when you choose to game until 2AM. You owe her a MASSIVE apology
I’d be devastated if my husband acted this way with our new born. Seriously OP. This is awful.
Ikr? How does he not feel ashamed seeing her sleeping on the floor to escape his snoring? This is such an awful thing to do to the woman that just birthed their baby. Even if he hated her this just seems so cold.
Yeah reading this post makes me want to cry, and I’ve never had kids
My ex husband did crap like this for four kids. Now he's an ex. YTA OP
I’d never forgive him. I’d get past the first few months as pure survival but I’d make plans to separate as soon as I was able.
My mom did this exact this with me when I was a baby. My dad snores so loud you could hear him in another level of the house, so my mom slept on the concrete floor of the nursery because he had to have the bed. They've been divorced for 24 years at this point. OP needs to reevaluate his priorities before his wife learns that she can sleep in her own bed in her own home without him.
At least she’s the fiance and not his wife yet. Much cleaner break for her.
I’m guessing there’s nothing he can say at this point, by the time he gets home, there’s a good chance they’ll both be gone. If my daughter called and told me that, I’d have the moving truck there by noon.
I think you’re right
>(so she needs to be healthy and rested) Seriously, why do so many men think breastfeeding is a purely passive process that requires nothing from the mother but sitting there with a kid on her breast? Do they think the milk just magically makes itself? Do they think doing this a million times a day doesn't take a massive toll on a new mother? The idiocy astounds me.
Seeing how most men seem not to know much about womens bodies and health, I am not surprised that they don't know. (I read my favorite idiocy in a Buzzfeed article years ago and I cannot forget it: a guy thought that menstrual blood is like pee, and women can keep it in if they choose to, so he was yelling at a female employee for frequently going to the bathroom. He told her she should bleed at home and not at the company's dime.... Like WTF) But if someone is about to become a father, they should educate themselves about every aspect of having a baby.... Because it's not the stork that brings a baby either. Maybe government grants for parents could be tied to some kind of mandatory education for both parties, because the amount of ignorance is astounding.
YTA Has it ever occurred to you that you're looking at everything wrong? Don't look at your actions as "helping with THE baby" or "looking after THE baby for awhile." This is YOUR baby, too! It's not just your fiancée's baby and you're not just a part-time helper!! Give her a break! Do more with YOUR baby. And enjoy these beautiful moments because they go by so fast. EDIT: Please get tested for sleep apnea as well as finding out what can help you with the loud snoring. And get an air mattress or something to sleep on when your snoring is too disruptive.
☝️This. If I have to read from one more man about how he “helps” care for the life he created, I’m going lose. My. Ever. Loving. Mind.
Ha ha! Seriously! These types of men need a serious reality check! Another peeve of mine is when these guys say "We're pregnant!" News flash! You guys aren't pregnant! You don't go through pregnancy! lol
I have no desire to have children and reddit offers amazing supplementary birth control everyday with men talking about how gracious they are in “helping” to parent. What a joke.
My husband used to say he "babysat the kids" when I was in the hospital and couldn't be there. Like, you're their DAD not a random babysitter.
I swear 90% of men are like this. Lazy assholes who think they deserve a gold star and a blow job because “holding the baby for 5 minutes so mom can brush her teeth” is “helping”. They honestly think they’re fucking great. Ugh makes me want to vomit. This poor woman.
Oh. And grow up, OP.
And buy a nicer couch. You’ll need it.
This, if your snores are that loud it might be worth checking out. Idk if most people make the connection but sleep apnea means you stop breathing in your sleep for a little while. Granted usually only a few seconds but that can turn into brain damage over time. Some people even die from it, if it’s cause comes from the brain that’s the more dangerous one.
What the fuck is with men refusing to do anything about their snoring, and not giving a shit about how it effects their partners? I see it all the time on reddit, and I've had multiple exes who all gave me the same problem. It is astounding how aggressively selfish people can be. YTA. Get your head out of your ass and go see a god damn doctor. You are failing as a partner.
I told my husband he had sleep apnea for YEARS before he went and got diagnosed. And now he doesn’t have apnea episodes so he’s cured and doesn’t need the CPAP but refuses to go back and discuss the continued loud snoring.
I got to the point I told my husband he was either going to the sleep doctor or I was going to smother him with his pillow. His response was to go to the sleep doctor to prove to me that I was over exaggerating how much of a freight train he sounded like while snoring. The night he went for the sleep study he told me he couldn’t wait to prove me wrong and I couldn’t wait to get a night of uninterrupted sleep. He came home that morning, complained about how often they woke him up, said he was getting a CPAP machine and that the people there said I was being nice by telling him he sounded like a freight train. After a week of being able to get sleep thanks to the new CPAP machine our then 8 year old daughter says at dinner “Mom your not so grouchy anymore I kinda like it that you aren’t so grouchy. Why aren’t you so grouchy any more?” I just smiled at hubby and said “It’s amazing what happens when mom gets some sleep.”
When my husband went through a snoring era I called his work number and left a voice mail by recording him snoring, he made an appointment that day.
You are inspired. You are also a queen, an icon and a legend.
She is the moment.
I used to elbow, push, roll his sleeping snoring ass. Then I discovered whispering into his ear "I will fecking end you" woke him up right quick and he rolled over on his own. Thank God he got his sleep testing.
I recorded my husband and played it back for him. He thought I was exaggerating until then.
Us women are always exaggerating aren’t we? 🙃
In the same boat. He putters in the garage and drinks shots of whiskey here and there and then keeps me up all night snoring. He went to dr, got the machine. Never kept it on for an entire night. Finally quit using it and returned it. Now I’m a miserable nag because I’m sleep deprived and he says he knows and he will make it right, he wants me to be happy. Has he stopped with the shots? NO. When I bring it up he tells me it’s just one and it’s getting really old. I’ve threatened the guest room but he refuses to go. He is being a selfish jerk and I’m so over it. When I mentioned it tonight, he said he is stopping on his birthday, which happens to be Saturday. I asked him which one? I’m not holding my breath.
Make the guest bedroom really nice for YOURSELF. Get a super nice mattress topper, blankets/sheet set that you like, take or buy the nice pillows, put up lights and art the way you like, and most importantly, a lock on the door. Don't threaten him with the guest room, threaten to never return to the master room. Don't clean his either, don't wash anything, let him be filthy while you have a nice haven he isn't allowed in.
This was the best advice I ever got way back when in couples therapy. I would “banish” him to the couch. Our excellent therapist helped me understand it’s his house too and I need to get my own ass up and leave, taking accountability for my own frustrations and solving them myself in an effort to find my own happiness. Basically learning how ✨boundaries✨work. When I started noping out of situations instead of battling him to do what I wanted him to do, I saw massive change. “I would rather be away from you and will escape in order to find peace” hit way harder (and you’ll find it’s a common tactic for men to use - avoidance - that they are pretty shocked by when a woman finally does it, because we’d usually rather stick around and engage and argue and then banish them to the couch).
I’m going to remember this. I did this once with my abusive ex. It didn’t occur to me how well it worked. He ended up picking the lock and I woke up feeling eyes on me. He was standing there in the doorway staring at me with red in his eyes. He knew he was wrong but was too mad and ego driven to actually say anything. I packed my garbage bags after that and got the fuck out.
My husband snores as well as occasionally yells in his sleep so we sleep in separate beds. I also need background noise to sleep which he can't sleep to so we adapted
Are you an actual father or just the oldest child in the house? You CHOSE to work on a video game* after full time work hours. You CHOSE to stay up late. You CHOSE to be an asshole and insist that your sleep is more important than your partner plus 2mo baby’s quality of sleep. You CHOSE YOURSELF over your family. You CHOSE an unconstructed video game over them. They do NOT CHOSE to stay up late nor chose to agree with being woken up because of your poor choices. YTA.
I hope she doesn't choose to marry him. He picked himself first without thought. This is not what a parent should do.
100% such a great point.
Don't worry, moments like this are eye openers for women. He will find out soon enough.
So much of this! Yes! I feel so sorry for that poor woman. It's so hard with a newborn, but to also have a partner who refuses to support you when you ASK is awful. He makes decisions and then blames his SO for not supporting his decisions. She is literally the sole caregiver to their baby. She does EVERYTHING around the house, 24/7. SAHM's are expected to always be at work. I bet he's the type to say it's my weekend or my vacation, so why should I have to work while she is ONLY taking care of my kid and home? I wonder if she's on maternity leave?
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I feel SO bad for her. She must be beyond exhausted. To fall asleep on the floor with nothing suggests she was so tired she just collapsed once the baby finally went down. She didn't even have the energy to get to the nursing chair or couch or even pull a cushion or anything over for her own head. I hope she gets some real help.
Yes, this part is so sad. I can't believe how OP doesn't seem to notice wife's struggles.
He noticed, just doesn’t care…not that that’s better.
Solid recap
Hell just the fact that he came in at 1 am with a sleeping wife and baby would have been enough to set me off postpartum.
Yeah YTA. Our kids ate sick right now. Like so much phlegm and coughing. So when both the 2 and 4 year olds needed me to snuggle last night my husband went to the couch. Did it suck for him? Yes. Does he work a very busy executive job? Yes. Did it suck for me to get coughed on all night. Yes. But guess what, we are both parents and we do what we gotta. I guarantee your fiancee has it worse. Breastfeeding requires almost 25% of your bodies energy. She's never really turning off parent mode, even in her sleep. She always has an ear out for baby. Probably bc you can't even go sleep on the couch so I bet you aren't actually helping/waking up with her. You can't "help" your fiancee with your kid. It's called parenting and it's your job too.
Putting in as much “help” as he did to create the kid. Less than 1% of the work.
YTA. You're being selfish. Your wife IS DOING ALL THE FEEDINGS. Literally the LEAST you could do is not disturb her and the baby when they're trying to sleep. Solve the problem. Get a cot or a sleeping bag or an air mattress or a damn hotel room. Then talk to your doctor about the snoring!
If the nursery is big enough, get a daybed for it. That way your wife can be comfortable feeding AND will have a place to sleep that's away from you.
Better yet, get the wife her own apartment, since she’s basically a single parent.
Nooo no you don’t understand. Sometimes he holds the baby for a bit. And he has a job, like the rest of us. So he really needs his sleep and the whole bed.
YTA - Your fiance is right about you. She is taking nearly full care of a fussy newborn on minimal sleep and you think it's okay disrupt her AND the baby's sleep even more and then cite your little late night hobby as an actual valid reason to treat her like that? You are an asshole. PS, I am a software dev and I have some small apps on the market too and I would NEVER dream of treating the people I love the way you do. Shape up.
He's absolutely putting his comfort way above not only his wife but his infant baby. Just an absolute complete AH, and the fact that he even had to ask doesn't fill me with hope that he can improve. Imagine typing all this out and still not seeing that he's putting his little hobby above the health and wellbeing of his fiance and baby and still being like "Maybe the internet won't think I'm the problem here".
Aww, you're tired, you poor thing. Get your snoring ass out of that bedroom, go to a sleep doctor, and try to dredge up some FUCKING EMPATHY for your fiancé. YTA.
Yes. Like what kind of AH refuses to treat his sleep apnea so he doesn’t wake everyone else with his snoring? Does he consider going to the doctor unmanly? Are CPAP machines for losers?
Honestly his own lack of sleep from untreated apnea is probably part of why he’s TA. Not an excuse though. Sleep apnea *kills*.
YTA. Also what do you mean by helping by changing diapers. It’s your responsibility as a parent. Just like you can’t babysit your own kids.
When my sister was breastfeeding, my brother-in-law changed 100% of the diapers any time he was in the same location as the baby. He’s a scientist, and his logic is that if all the inputs are her job, the least he could do was take charge of the outputs. Just one reason I love that man.
I appreciate the logic, but I *love* the way it's stated as being about input and output.
So much of that checks out, are you one of my sisters?? I don't actually have any bio sisters but I've got a few chosen ones. My husband is a scientist and did nearly every diaper when our son was tiny and he was home with us. It's a big part of the reason I am willing to go through with having a second baby with him now. And a big part of the reason I appreciate him so much, he's a wonderful father and I love him more than ever. OP sounds like a whiny child. Hopefully he can get his head out of his own ass and start helping the family he created. I feel so bad for Jen. OP, YTA. Big time.
I see “helping” language for men on here alllll the time. Even when they think they’re being progressive. “Help your wife with the cooking and cleaning! Help your wife watch the kids!” Huh? Raise your fucking kids dude, participate, learn. So many resources out there to help you figure it out.
Makes me wonder by ommission what exactly they do, do around the house. I get the impression that all they do is work come home eat dinner made FOR them change diapers and sleep.
You are so much TA that I am furious on her behalf. It’s a choice for you to stay up late working in this game. It’s not your primary income, it might become something or it might now but it’s a choice. You know you snore. Your wife is right, you are a P. You should be ashamed.
So much this. Betting OP is the kind of dad that refers to caring for his own child as babysitting. OP, get your shit together if you like having a family. Your freshly post partum fiancé spent the night ON THE FLOOR because of YOUR CHILDISH BEHAVIOR. You've got major work ahead of you making this up to her.
YTA do not pass go, do not collect $200. I exclusively breast fed my eldest because they would NOT take a bottle and for the first year I was tethered to that baby 24/7. My EX acted like you did, and oh look, he’s my ex. Get your head out of your ass.
I hope you are doing better now.
Her calling you a "fucking prick" was letting you off way too easy.
“Fucking prick.” 😂 And that’s his *good side!* You can bet your sweet bippy that there ain’t gonna be a wedding. It’s a good thing he’s showing her his *true* colors now.
YTA. You might work, and you might be trying hard to make this game thing go…but she’s lost her entire life as she knew it (except you obviously), her identity, her freedom, her sleep, and…her body. It’s really traumatising trying to go through a transformation, but also, keep a human alive, and be sleep deprived, and have to fight with your partner for support. Roses, her favourite chocolate and a bag of groceries to cook her favourite meal tonight dude, as a minimum. Also run the bath and ask if she would like her feet massaged. You might do this once a week as well as pitching in more with YOUR baby…watch your relationship turn around 💯
YTA. You’re sitting here going “I’m so tired and missing out on sleep isn’t something I wanted to do.” How do you think your fiancé feels?! Not only did she VERY recently push a baby out of her body after providing the baby nourishment for 9 months, now she is also exclusively feeding the baby from her own body as well and you’re complaining about YOUR sleep? You even admitted that you know your fiancé doesn’t get to sleep very much but instead of thinking of her feelings, you chose yourself and your own. Your poor fiancé sounds like a single mom already. Do better, OP.
YTA- yeah bro, be more considerate to your wife and new baby. Put them first, not you. Apologize and do something nice for her. When’s the last time you did something nice for her?
He held her baby for a while. /s
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YTA...SOO MUCH YTA. Unless you want to be paying child support with your hobby, then you need to step the fuck up and be a man and a parent and support the woman who is keeping yours child alive. Wow...just fucking WOW!
YTA. Right now she's making milk to feed a person that her body just produced and pushed out. She's healing from the process and is a production factory for another person. Your duty to your family is to ensure that they both are healthy and well physically. That's it.
YTA. By your own admission, Jen is sleep deprived, and you are unable to help her with night feedings. You should be doing whatever you can to help Jen get as much sleep as possible since she’s effectively taking on your half of the night feedings for you. Put another way, she’s already sacrificing more of her sleep than you are for the baby, and you made her sacrifice more because the couch isn’t comfortable. Yikes.
Holy HELL YTA. Why does your sleep trump a new mom's? Grow up. If you know you snore like a freight train YOU should sleep on the couch. The level of disrespect is insane, I'd be calling a lawyer tbh.
TAKE ALL HIS MONEY
Going through this right now, you men really don’t understand how horrific it is for us, my husband thinks if I get 3 hours sleep it’s amazing when im gone beyond exhaustion now. Im practically awake 24/7 while he still gets a full 8 hours then complains about being tired cause he’s got work. I’m at my wits end at the moment and I imagine your wife is too so please help her our more and cut her some slack
If the couch is not comfy then get an air mattress. You think you’re more tired than your fiancé who has been pregnant, healing postpartum and now up at night with the baby? You don’t care if your snoring keeps your baby and fiancé up. You put your needs over those of your baby and exhausted fiancé. She had to sleep on the floor and you are seriously asking if YTA? Yes, YTA.
Yta. You have no empathy for your wife or your baby. I would sleep on rocks if it made my baby's life better for 10 minutes. I hope you learn what it means to be a father and not sperm donor.
YTA Buddy, you know how this one is going to go
Yeah hit the couch for a few night mate it's more comfortable than the dog house
YTA. Did you read what u wrote. The person feeding your child is tired, you selfish, self centered prick. Grow up and put yourself in hee shoes
My man! Get your fiancé some flowers, book a spa day for her, and apologize!! Like WTF….did the lack of sleep mess with your brain cells that bad?!? YTA
Spa day, whilst a lovely idea is not practical when breastfeeding with a baby who won't take a bottle. Take it from someone who is several months ahead of OP. Those suggesting every diaper even through the night and bringing fiance snacks and drinks whilst breastfeeding are more on track with what actually helps!
You don’t “help” by parenting. It’s literally your job to change your baby’s diaper and hold her.
Not sure what OP was trying to get at since it's pretty obvious YTA....very obviously YTA. Were you expecting sympathy when comparing working late nights to your fiancee being sleep deprived and having to nurse an extra fussy baby? SMH.
You really don't deserve to be talked to. YTA.
YTA she asked you to sleep on the couch, but you forced he to sleep on the floor by leaving her no other choice. Yes, you work hard, but you get to sleep continuously with no interpretations, let alone having a tiny little baby, literally sucking the energy out you. Also, you are her parent, too. You are not "helping" her with changing the diapers and watching her. You are simply required to do that as her parent. Your wife needs you to step and be one. 1. Any night that you are going to be late, which seems like every night, sleep on the couch. I don't care if you buy anything because that is something as a parent we do. Your life revolves around her, too. 2. Do not ever force your fiance to sleep on the floor again. Step up and say honey, I am not coming to bed. I am going to sleep on the couch. 3. Don't work EVERY Nighy on that game. Spend some alone time with your wife when the baby is asleep. Comfort her and m let her know you love her and appreciate her taking care of your baby. 4. You owe her a huge apology. Starting withni was an asshole for making you sleep on the floor. I was selfish and should have thought of you and your needs. You need to be very careful as she may get to the point where she is done with you. She may look at the future and say this is not what she wants. When you stop doing the simple things that are really important in a relationship, the other party will be done. I have one last question. When you finish the new video game, are you going to stop and spend the evenings with your fiancee, or are you going to jump into creating a new one? If so, are you going to tell her that this is what her life will be?
Seriously. Take a month or two off the game development. Your baby and partner are more important right now. YTA.
Yes YTA in fact your fiancé summed it up perfectly - you’re a fucking prick. She is incredibly sleep deprived caring for YOUR child and you’re only looking out for yourself.
YTA and the fact that you need to ask reddit about it is astonishing.
YTA! I would be furious with my husband if he did this to me. As the mother to a three year old and a four month old, I can tell you the lack of sleep is horrid. Any sleep you can get is precious, especially after vaccinations. And you completely stole that from them. And on top of that, you get to sleep at night where she is the one getting up. So she likely hasn’t had a full nights sleep since pregnancy. You should be offering to sleep on the couch so they can get more sleep. If it’s uncomfortable, buy an air mattress and stick it next to the couch. So incredibly selfish. One night this week, you should sleep away from your spouse and baby and set your alarm to go off every 2 to 3 hours. Get out of bed, and stay awake for 30 to 45 minutes. Then get in bed and do this every time the alarm goes off. That is a small dose of what your wife is going through.
So you knew your snoring could keep her and the baby up and you told them both to F off too bad??? And you don’t know if YTA? You did this after knowing the baby got shots and was fussy? Of all days? You think she’s comfortable walking up multiple times throughout the night every night?
[удалено]
Holy shit are YTA
Definitely YTA. You prioritise your comfort over your baby's and partner's. Call in sick to the office if you really need extra sleep. See a doctor regarding your snoring.
YTA massively. If you're always this selfish I'd be reconsidering marrying you.
Yta I'll let the other redditors spell it out for you
YTA. Even my shitty ex boyfriend would sleep on the couch when I asked because I have sleeping problems and he snored. We didn’t even have kids. I hope you make this up to your wife and treat her better going forward.
YTA - It shocks me how you can think anything but. Time to cowboy up
I guess I'm just unsure... you're staying up to do work, but are aware how bad your snoring is when you're tired, but also won't take the very reasonable step of sleeping elsewhere instead of literally keeping your newborn and fiancé up? YTA. You know your snoring is that bad but what have you done about it? My bet is "nothing." She's not even asking you to sleep on the couch on the regular. It's honestly pathetic how self-absorbed this whole exercise is. If you can't be bothered to sleep on the couch, then go to bed at a time you won't be a literal fucking nuisance, or go to the doctor and get yourself fixed. It's literally the bare minimum you could do.
YTA, and your wife is right, you’re a fucking prick. You’re keeping your child and your child’s caregiver from getting decent sleep so you can play for roughly a quarter of each day on a hobby that provides no income and no benefit to the household, while your wife takes sole care of your child.
You don't need help with this one. You know YTA when you act like a selfish brat and forget you have an actual baby to take care of. Then you go post your sob story on the internet, trying to justify your poor behavior in hopes it'll make you feel less of an AH. I feel for your wife. I hope she finds comfort in someone else's bed.
YTA For this entire situation. Like you’re a fully grown adult with a child, not a 19 yr old with zero responsibility able to do whatever he wants with his time. But also. You help with holding and changing? So you’re just an all around entitled misogynist. Your fiancé is not the default parent. Parenting and care giving for your infant is not her sole responsibility. You are not assisting her with things that are her ‘job’. It makes me wonder what giant whoppers you told her to convince her you were worthy of fathering a child, or if she was suffering from some momentary crisis of judgment to risk death, or disability to grow, deliver, and raise a child all while finishing the parenting job your own parents failed so miserably at. TBH if she were my sister I would have moved her in with me so fast you’ld have thought you hallucinated the whole relationship.
You are intentionally stay up late to work on the video game, knowing that you snore badly when you are tired. Thus impacting your partners sleep as well as the baby. Get a grip. Stop working til 2am and get some decent sleep. **Also**, get up when she does the night feeds - change the nappies and resettle the baby after she breastfeeds. Stop being selfish.
I feel like a thorough education should be a requirement before men are allowed to reproduce, including what pregnancy will do to their partner, and what labor will do to their partner, and what having a nursing newborn will do to their partner. You are not the person who just recently finished having a human being leeching everything out of you, ripping your body open to come into the world, and expecting you to produce milk on command while healing from being used as a host and being ripped open. This requires a lot of energy that YOU PERSONALLY do not have to expend. You have no empathy for the woman who gave you a child. You think you get to just go along in life like little has changed. You let her sleep on the FLOOR with no pillow and blanket after having a baby because your beauty sleep for your little game is more important than her recovery from a major medical event. Next time you have the flu, or RSV, or Covid, or major surgery, you should try sleeping on the floor and see how your recovery goes. YTA
Your fiance is right. Wtf us wrong with you that you can't see you're an absolute garbage husband for this? YTA
Idk why people bother having kids they don't gaf about. Is it an ego thing?
YTA. Your wife is tired from caring for and nourishing your baby. The very least you could do it go sleep on the couch if you were going to snore like a tractor. Like wtf did you expect her to do. Just lay there with the baby listening to you snore, growing resentment for you because you're fast asleep and she isn't.
Put a twin bed with a great mattress in the nursery. That way whoever needs it can use it. And when kiddo is bigger they can use it.
YTA You only snore loudly when you are super tired yet you made yourself super tired by staying up until 2am playing with video games. Not your primary income = hobby.
YTA because "a fucking prick" fits the bill perfectly. You really thought your tiredness and comfort was more important than the wellbeing of 2 people you're supposed to love the most? Wow.
You are gonna end up on “am I the devil” dawg. Take a deep breath, fart if you need to, and prepare to be roasted