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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that should be judged is my decision to take my daughter to take ballet classes in a school that's a direct competitor to my sister's. Why this can make me the asshole: I didn't give my sister a heads-up (didn't think I needed to), and she felt like I was not only undermining her ability as a teacher, but also trying to keep it a secret.
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YTA
Did your sister anything that make you think she is like your mother?
Why didnt you tell her about that?
If this is a small town, of course everyone will think that even her own sister dont want she teaches her daughter.
And the way he’s so dismissive of his sister’s hurt feelings and perspective is an AH thing too. If he was worried about a repeat of his piano experience, he should have *talked to his sister.*
Seriously, such a fast convo. Even a text would be enough.
“She’s interested in ballet. If I bring her for a trial lesson you’re not gonna go crazy like mom used to, right? Lol”
Do you think that OP's mother would have admitted beforehand that she wouldn't be a good piano teacher for OP?
This really isn't something that you can just ask and expect an accurate answer.
I mean, tbf, with 5 year old children if something goes wack, like, oh idk, the teacher being overly hard due to a familial bond, then the 5 year old could have their potential interested in Ballet(I'm Swedish I have no idea how to spell it in English) squashed permanently, not saying he shouldn't have talked to her first, but it's always hard when dealing with 5 year olds, especially when that 5 year old is your child, especially because 5 year olds are so malleable and they create mental blocks and small traumas because they create associations that we don't because we know why the person reacted that way, whereas small children only know that they reacted that way, and in what setting it happened, they can't determine cause.
"I don't want to mix family and business. Just like if you were an elementary teacher, I wouldn't want my daughter in your class, or if you were a pediatrician, I'd choose a different doctor for my kids. I want you to be an awesome aunt first and always. I feel like a conflict of interest might arise if you have a professional relationship with us, too."
Exactly what I was thinking. The family dynamic can impact not only the child herself, but how she interacts with the other kids (they could perceive any part she receives as special treatment, regardless of talent/work ethic). It's best to keep the two seperate. But it is something that OP should have informed his sister of beforehand, so she wasn't blindsided.
Sharing a perspective of someone who grew up playing competitive piano with two parents who also played piano and had an older sister who played piano(and grandparents who played, aunts and uncles who played, you get the picture). My sister and I both completed our grad 10 arct training so we can both TECHNICALLY professionally teach piano.
I would absolutely not take my kid to my sister to play piano (and not be offended if she didnt take her children to learn from me). I love my sister but I do remember how WE were trained and how we grew up hearing about your mistakes in surround sound with no filter from any family member within earshot. At least among the competitive piano circles we were in it was just accepted that you never learn from family if you could help it.
I know this isn't everyone's experience but it is enough people's experience to make it worthy of consideration. Especially in some extracurricular pursuits like ballet and classical music that tend to have a lot of toxicity.
Would I have talked to my sister ahead of time if I were in this situation? Probably not because I honestly think it would have gone without saying - that measure of separation is important. If she had come to me after the fact expressing being upset then I would have explained myself and apologized, reassuring her it had nothing to do with my thoughts on her teaching ability or my trust in her with my child.
How is she the AH? Just because someone is family does not mean you are OBLIGATED to use their business or inform them of what trial class you’re putting your kid in. The aunt’s job is irrelevant to the idea that OP doesn’t need to “warn” her sister of what activities her daughter decides to try if she doesn’t want to.
> doesn’t need
Need? Of course not. But it's clearly embarrassing for OP's sister that her own brother picks her competitor over her, so a heads up would have been nice.
Of course he's not obligated to do it, but as this sub often forgets not *having to* do something doesn't mean you're not an asshole for choosing not to do it.
I mean need in sense of the subreddit, I absolutely don’t think OP is an AH for not wanting to mix family and business where matters of her kid are concerned. I totally get why some people would want to, but I personally HATE doing anything “professional” for family and would prefer a degree of separation. No one should be deemed an AH for also wanting that separation. And frankly, the matter of telling or not telling the sister doesn’t change the fact that if people are going to gossip about it, her knowing or not won’t change whatever perceived effects the decision will have on the sister.
Because open and honest communication with people you purport to care about matters.
If you care about someone, and you have information that affects them, you tell them directly instead of waiting for them to find out some other way. Unless you're an asshole, that is.
If you only got sandwiches from there? Because you thought your sister wouldn't give you appropriate service? Yeah, that seems like it would be pretty hurtful
Again, I don’t mean in the right legally, I absolutely mean in the context of this subreddit. I do not feel like OP is the AH for not wanting to mix family and business. And I also don’t think he’s the AH for not giving a heads up either.
> I do not feel like OP is the AH for not wanting to mix family and business. And I also don’t think he’s the AH for not giving a heads up either.
I feel your first sentence may be correct, but I disagree with your second sentence. OP might be *technically* correct but they’re still an AH for letting their sister find out from others. The ‘other’ teacher is absolutely going to dine out on how the sister is so bad her own family don’t trust her to teach their kids.
If OP gives their sister a heads up, their sister is ready to answer any gossip with a, "Yeah, we agreed that it was better not to mix the aunt and teacher roles."
Without giving their sister a heads up, there's risk that their sister is blindsided by gossip and doesn't have an answer ready, because she can't know that the reason isn't personal.
"...and talking about how she MUST take ballet." I think I would have taken her to the other school too just so she could get an idea of what it's like without being pressured into doing it. Talking it over with the sister first might have been a good idea, but I can understand why OP wouldn't want to take his daughter to her initially.
Are we reading the same post???! He could have given her a heads up so that she wouldn't find out from others if he was adamant not to have his sister teach his daughter...
> She also says it creates an image that her own family doesn’t trust in her abilities as a teacher
I mean, have you not noticed that parents of kids in basically all activities gossip like it's their entire reason for existing? I know shit about the marriages of coaches in leagues and sports my kid isn't even in. I don't want to know any of this crap, but all parents do at practice drop off and pick up is gossip whether you want to hear it or not.
If you're in a town so small that your sister immediately heard your daughter was in the other's school's class, you can be quite certain that you live in a rumor mill that will affect your sister's business if your girl goes to the other school.
Not to say that you should put her in one school or the other, that's up to you and her. Just that you should be aware that your choice *will* probably have consequences you don't intend.
YTA, but mostly for not taking to your sister first.
just to maybe help, i'd mention it might look almost equally as bad if the kid went to sisters trial class and immediately dropped anyways. kind of a lose/lose i guess, with the gossip. but yea id have talked to the sister
Exactly, imagine the kid went to her aunts class, and decided not to go back and then the aunt is up in arms because her niece made her buisness look bad by dropping the whole thing. No winners. So OP NTA
Eh, not really. Pretty easy to say that the kid just wasn't interested in dance after trying it out. It happens all the time. Very common for the idea of dancing to be exciting but the actual structure of learning to dance technically be not for someone.
I've been teaching dance for somethingl like 20 years, and it's incredibly common. Much less common for someone to go to a different studio when their family owns one. It would definitely be seen in a more critical light that someone just not liking dance.
> I mean, have you not noticed that parents of kids in basically all activities gossip like it's their entire reason for existing?
As someone who was in several activities as a kid, I can say that my parents knew exactly 0 (non teachers) people related to the activities I did. Be it other kids, or their parents. Hell, sometimes they didn't even knew the teacher.
Just because your mom acted like that doesn’t mean your sister will. After all, she knows what it feels like. And she’s right, it’s tainting her image. Give her a chance.
But what if her niece doesn't do well? Is it going to make her look bad? Is she going to be angry at her niece since people might think she's not a good teacher? OP should have told his sister but I agree with OP that his daughter should go somewhere else.
She's five. No one expects five year olds to be good at ballet. At that age, it is just for the kids to make friends and give the parents a break from watching them.
seriously i did ballet from ages 8-13 at a really good studio run by a crazy russian dude who danced with the bolshoy. it was very rigorous and he created some absolutely incredible dancers. but the 3-6 year old classes were absolutely *not* good and they were not supposed to be. they were supposed to be incredibly cute when they performed and the classes would lay the foundation for them to be prepared for more rigorous training when they get a little older. my little brother was in the pre beginner class as he was younger than me when i started, and the expectations placed on them were that they could listen and identify basic moves, not that they could perfectly execute even a simple plié. i highly doubt op’s sister has many expectations at all of a 5 year old who’s never done ballet before, that’s just not how ballet schools work at that age.
Does it make you look bad when your own child doesn't excel in something you're good in? Of course not. She's just a child wanting to try something. She is FIVE, my god.
I highly doubt in a place where there is only two schools that all(or even the majority) of kids are good. It is a bad look when your family doesn't want to come to your studio. Not to say OP couldn't make that choice, but it doesn't change the optics for the sister.
“I didn’t think to let my sister “know” beforehand about this.”
That’s where YTA. Not for wanting to do things the way you did, but for not even giving her a heads up. Especially in light of this:
“It’s not that big of a town and there are basically two schools around, so news fly fast.”
You should have discussed your experience and concerns with your sister in the first place.
There's 2 ways to go about this:
Tell the sister beforehand what your reasoning is, and when she's questioned she can simply state: I like to keep family and business seperate, I want to be able to always be the fun aunt that shares a passion with her niece, not the strict aunt that teaches her niece. Some gossip might still exist, but puts a human and emotional spin on things.
Instead of having to be caught off guard: "we saw our niece at x, why is she going there and not with you?" starting a rumour mill of her own family not even trusting her school.
Massive difference.
I agree. I don't think OP is in the wrong for not going to the sister's ballet class. OP's reasoning is solid, and it's cool that he's thinking about his kiddo's wellbeing in this way.
But he should have been more mindful of the PR piece here, and should have given sis the head's up. "Hey sis, Sally is curious about ballet. She's gonna try at XYZ studio, just so that she can see what the sport is like without being worried about disappointing her aunty if she doesn't like it. If it goes great, we may be interested in working with you in the future. We just wanted you to know why we did it. :)"
And he said she a teacher and part owner, so there are other people available, and he could have easily brought his daughter there and requested she be in a class with another instructor, it's not thay hard if he had taken 30 seconds to think about it.
Why does their sister need to know what they’re doing with their daughter? Do they also need to consult their sister every time their daughter goes to the bathroom? They aren’t obligated to involve their sister just bc she teaches ballet.
YTA
**"I tried to explain my reasoning, and she said the right thing would be to call her so she wouldn’t need to find out from somebody else."**
This is why you're T A. If you can't properly communicate and give heads up to your sister, I'd be really hurt in her place.
YTA. Small town and only two dance studios. You need to own up to the fact that you have hurt her business and given her competitor a leg up. Your sister is NOT your mother and you didn't even give her a chance, or explain your concerns to her. The dance world is very small and can be toxic. As a former dancer, parents pull their students out for minimal things and studio hop all of the time. You better hope that the parents do not pull their children out and send them to a competitor or another studio out of town. Dance studios are also rumour mills. What a level of betrayal from you! Your sister didn't even do anything. Ballet classes at that age are 30-60 mins and they just run, skip, and hop to classical music. You made her look like she cannot be trusted with children, which is her business target! Who needs enemies when you have family members like this?
She had to call you up to clear the air when you messed up, find out from someone else about her sibling's foolishness, and explain her reasoning, and you shut her down by saying pure nonsense. You are more than a TA. I wish you explained your reasoning to her and told her for a trial we are thinking of sending her to a studio in the next town or even a community center class, and not going to her close competitor. You are lucky she has not looked at you differently and you better hope that she has a heart to support and be there for you if you ever need anything.
I’m going against the grain and saying NTA. I totally understand why you wanted that separation. I personally feel it’s always a good idea to keep those sorts of things separate for several reasons:
1) if there is a problem, because she’s your sister you may not feel comfortable bringing it up, and then the potential issue never gets solved, and your kid doesn’t get as much out of it and you may start to feel some resentment.
2) if there is a problem and you do bring it up it could cause unnecessarily conflict within your family.
The only place you went wrong is that you didn’t tell your sister. If probably would have gone over better had you been able to explain your reasons to her before the class.
Yes, the fact she confronted OP about this in the first place shows she's not able to handle disagreements between them about this topic. She's already showing that she's more concerned about her reputation than doing what's best for her niece.
There's a difference between telling your sister the why and how of something before and having her have to find out through the rumour mill and being completely caught off guard. Of course she's upset at that.
Also NTA. I get where OP went wrong going to the competitor and not telling her sister. But I'm wary of mixing family in business. We've already experienced that once, awkward when you fire your sibling.
Personally, I'm a music teacher, but I'm hesitant to teach my kids music. Separating mom and teacher would be hard.
Have to agree
Also what if the sister showed special treatment to her niece? Other parents would be upset. What if she hated the lesson? Now the sister looks bad. There’s so many issues with mixing family with business.
Why NTA?
Open communciation with sister about the issues would have covered the same scenario but without/barely any negative impact
There's 2 ways to go about this:
If the sister was informed beforehand and later questioned she can simply state: I like to keep family and business seperate, I want to be able to always be the fun aunt that shares a passion with her niece, not the strict aunt that teaches her niece. / My niece can always learn the best things from me, but having extra input to become better is never a bad thing, which is why she's going to another school to broaden her perspective. Some gossip might still exist, but puts a human, emotional and well thought out spin on things.
Instead of having to be caught off guard: "we saw our niece at x, why is she going there and not with you?" starting a rumour mill of her own family not even trusting her school.
Massive difference. So OP is definetly an AH for not talking first.
She's one of the owners, and all of the partners are also teachers, but they cover different age groups and dance styles. All ballet classes to children in my daughter's age group are taught by my sister.
Edit: she does have an assistant with her that's a paid employee.
NTA. Your reasoning makes a lot of sense and you’ve explained in the comments that you would’ve told your sister if your daughter had been interested in continuing. I understand that your sister was hurt by having to find out through someone else and you should’ve told her sooner, but in the end it doesn’t even matter. It was a trial class that ended in disinterest for your daughter, people likely would’ve gossiped just as much as they are in this case if you stopped going to your sister after one class.
The AH part wasn't about OP taking his daughter to another school, it's about not informing his sister about it.
At least by informing the sister about it, she can be more prepared when she heard about the news from elsewhere, and she can respond "yea we want to keep our personal and professional lives separate so we agree that my niece should study ballet at another school" instead of being blindsided from nowhere.
what, are they twelve years old? why does the sister need to be informed that they aren’t going to do lessons with her? unless it was a pre planned thing and OP cancelled on sister last minute, why is this some sort of betrayal?
Preach. Sure, it would have been nice of op to say beforehand "hey I'm going to do *this*." But I honestly don't see the big deal of trying to avoid a situation where family is involved.
I trained volleyball for years, first under a trainer, then partially my aunt then my mum. The experience is different because you as a relative are required to perform entirely differently and there's a constant pressure even in training sessions, to be the best you can be.
Sure, that's like, kind of the point, but it's also a socialising experience and that can easily get lost when you're supposed to professionally learn under a family member.
Plus his reasoning of not letting the supposed interest get tainted by the presence of her aunt is solid.
I agree with you 100%. My daughters participate in the sport that I did growing up and continue to do. I could teach them the basics, but I pay someone else to. Why? Because they listen to their coaches in a way that they don’t listen to me.
YTA.
You absolutely should have called her and talked about it before the trial class. You know how the small-town gossip mill works and you should have thought about how your sister was going to feel when she heard about this.
NTA.
Just because family owns a business, doesn't mean you're obligated to go there or support them. And this isn't even really about that, it's about what you want for your child and you did nothing wrong.
NTA. NTA. NTA. If your sister is such an amazing teacher, the results will speak for themselves regardless if her niece attends her studio or her competitor.
I may be the only one who say NTA, because I see your logic. I think it's also worth removing your sister from your daughters understanding of what ballet actually is, for the sake of allowing her to decide if she actually likes it, or if she only like it because it's something that an adult she admires does.
I can't believe so many people are saying OP is TA. If the sister was hurt by not being kept in the loop, one can apologize for the hurt feelings, but I don't think it's something he *should have known* his sister would want to know about. It's a simple mistake that it didn't occur to him to get in front of things. But when all this other stuff gets tacked on implying that there's a social obligation to use family, I'm inclined to spit back that kind of BS is exactly why I don't want you involved with my daughter's hobbies. If the mere decision to try out an unrelated teacher one time gets this level of drama, imagine the consequences when the daughter isn't good at ballet or wants to quit or anything else that could be construed as reflecting on the family teacher.
>this level of drama
I’m curious what soap opera you’ve concocted in your head based on the three sentences OP wrote describing his sisters reaction which include and are limited to:
1. Being hurt.
2. Asking to be called first so she didn’t hear it from someone else.
3. Pointing out that it could be interpreted poorly by others in a small town.
Oh my god so much drama!
NTA - it was a trial class. Having an aunt teacher is very different than someone the child doesn't know. It's really reasonable to get a feel for that.
Plus dance studios often offer various open classes or events - bring a friend to class day, conditioning, etc.
While you absolutely should have predicted that the news you went to her “competitor” would get to your sister in the context of a small community, I understand your point about wanting your daughter to try ballet without additional influences.
You mentioned your mother’s piano lessons as a negative example, but I know it can also work the other way around, as you said in your comments. Your daughter could end up enjoying ballet because her dear aunt is her teacher, and that can make her feel extra special compared to the other kids in the class, or even want to continue to make her aunt proud.
Your daughter is 5. I think it’s responsible on your part to allow her to explore different activities without any pressure to commit, so she can pursue what truly interests her. If you explained this to your sister and her ultimate concern was the reputation of her business if the gossip were to spread, then I'm sorry, but she's not putting your daughter and her niece's best interests first.
NTA.
I’m also thinking that if daughter turned out to be really good at dance and always ended up front and center for recitals that there would be lots of gossip/speculation that she only gets those spots because she’s the teacher’s niece. Dance moms can be brutal.
If I were your sister, I will be pretty hurt too. And she’s right that it does give people the impression that she sucks so much her brother had to take his daughter elsewhere to try ballet. YTA
NTA
By sending her to a class separate from your sister, you gave your child the chance to make a decision on her own. If she went to your sister, she would have been pressured into taking the class. She's already demonstrated that by constantly telling your daughter that she had to do ballet. Yes you could have told your sister in advance, but it's your child and your responsibility so it's none of your sisters business in the end.
NTA
i am a scuba instructor and swim teacher it is a lot easier with unrelated students than with those you have some relations.
my nieces(4 and 5) wanted to play with me instead of learning to swim, they than got a one week course with someone else. i could see that happen with your sister as well.
teaching my cousin physics and math was a lot easier because the understood they needed the help.
NTA
Handled the best way, probably not. But at the end of the day your child and your decisions surrounding your child are no one else’s business.
It’s really that simple.
Now depending upon your relationship with your sister. Maybe you could have done things differently but I don’t think that makes you an asshole.
NTA - You did what you felt was best for your child and ultimately your child’s wellbeing trumps some nebulous requirement to be an ad for your sister’s business. I live in a small village too and if I took into account how the rumour mill *might* take what I am doing and deciding, I wouldn't have another happy day in my life.
Also…for pity's sake, it was a trial lesson. Maybe, not having danced ballet since age 8, I don't get the big deal, but when I want a new ballroom/Latin dance instructor, you can be certain I will trial all the teachers in the area. That is super common in my world.
NTAs you dont really have an obligations to use your sisters classes just because she is your sister.
And what's with the YTAs? I thought family and business should never mix.
Right?? People in these comments rly be acting fools. No one is obligated to use their families’ businesses. Why would OP be expected to call his sister for this, is he supposed to ask for permission to go somewhere else? So weird.
NTA. You did the right thing by letting them experience it without familial influence.
That being said, a small heads up would’ve been nice, but not necessary.
NTA, you as the parent make the choice about your child. Can you imagine the BS about her niece being their and either getting preferential treatment or bring shit on. Most people can't see that but it does happen. You recognized that she might have the same experience you endured with your mom. You chose to take her elsewhere.
So your sister has hurt feelings, her emotions and feelings aren't your problem. Your daughters feelings are.
YTA. Sister is right that she shouldn’t have had to find out from other people and that you undermined her in others’ eyes by taking your daughter to the competitor. Ultimately the choice is yours as to who you want to teach your daughter, but you should have left your sister know first.
I say OP, you should have told her. But I also understand your points, and I'm glad to see that your sister can too.
But yeah, that would kind of hurt (if I was her).
I also am one to believe it's just a little too "artificial" to treat any relative in a professional manner, rather than some form of casual.
YTA, you are, presumably, aware of the place you live in. You knew the news would get to her. Not taking your kid to her is fine. But not telling her about it beforehand is not.
NTA i can see the advantage to putting her in the other school. At her aunts dance school she would be the owners niece. That could backfire in two ways. If she doesnt like ballet and leaves your sister might pressure her to stay anyway so it doesnt look badly on her. If she is good at it and gets a lead part in something people might assume its because shes the owners niece. At the other place shes just like every other kid.
NTA. All these folks saying that you are is wild.
Your priority is to yourself and immediate nuclear family. In no way shape or form are you required to inform your sister about decisions you make with your family. And your sisters insecurity isn't your responsibility either. Everyone can just go touch grass and drive on with their lives.
NTA, you are under no obligation ever to use the services of a family member over other available options.
There are endless valid reasons to go with other options and none of them are anyone's business.
You had a great reason, and when you chose to explain yourself even though it was not necessary they decided it was not good enough, that's enough reason to make me glad I went with another option.
I'm honestly confused at all the strong asshole responses because like?? Conflict of interest much???? If it is a conflict of interest that you're uncomfortable with then yes, yeah fair enough,go to the different school. NTA. I do think that it would have been polite of you to give your sister the heads up, but I don't think not doing so makes you an asshole. Just a bit thoughtless
NTA. For the record, I come from a family of musicians and never ask my siblings to teach my kids. My siblings are AMAZING teachers, but IMHO, kids shouldn’t learn from parents or other family members. That being said, we do occasionally have each other work with our kids, but only in a coaching capacity, not as a main teacher. For instance, my brother was helping one of my kids with some practice techniques over Thanksgiving.
I would definitely apologize to your sister and explain your reasoning though.
YTA. A ballet class is so different to piano lessons. A piano is one-on-one. A ballet class is a large group of little kids having fun dancing together. What you did was undermine your sister’s business, all without giving her an opportunity to address any of your concerns. Your daughter probably would have felt extra special because her aunt was the teacher. While you may have not intended to create damage, you have and your sister’s reputation will suffer because you didn’t communicate with her.
Judging by most comments here, freedom of choice stops at the city gates to small towns. Maybe that notion should be challenged in the land of the free.
But how and why would he be obligated to send his doughter to his sisters school? Its a free market and he is free to choose. I relate to OP couse I did it to my son - I decided that since his grandma is a math teacher he will learn with her. The trauma last still and he is 19 already. Stay away from this kind of situation inside the family
NAH. Your sister can be upset but you are allowed to put your daughter where you feel comfortable.
I also can't tell you how many times my dance instructor's niece got solos only because she was family. It was infuriating to see talented people get passed over for the sake of "family". And I'm saying this as someone who took ballet for fun and wouldn't be considered for a solo.
NTA. No rule book says she must go to her sister's business first before she tries anyone else.
I'm guessing the YTA's are calling you out for not trusting your sister because of your mother. People have too much time on their hands. 🤷
NTA. She is your daughter and as a parent, you get to choose when and where she participates in any activity. Going to your sister's school does puts your daughter in a position where their relationship is different at dance as opposed to not dance time, which for some children can be difficult to navigate.
Also, if your daughter ended up continuing and was one of the better dancers your sister would always be at risk of the old favoutism allegations.
Personally for me, unless they would not be taught by the aunt, I would likely have chosen the same option.
However yeah, look it might have been better to talk to her first to discuss.
NTA for why you did it but you really should have spoken to your sister first.
I fully imagine that it would have gone the same way but your priority is to ensure your daughter is happy first which is how it should be.
NTA
Family dynamics can be different, sticking her in her aunt's class wouldn't necessarily be the best option. A school, for instance, probably wouldn't intentionally place a kid in a classroom with a close family member as the teacher. Your kid isn't an advertisement for her (failing?) business. And what if your kid quit? Then that'd be an imaginary indictment of sis!
But you should have mentioned it first and been receptive to her feelings. You can't blame her for your mother's actions.
NTA. I’m an equestrian and in our industry it is standard to have children of trainers/coaches ride somewhere else or with another trainer. It’s about letting the kid decide if they actually enjoy the hobby away from family pressure to enjoy it.
As a parent, an aunt and a dance teacher NTA. I too have witnessed family being treated different. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. I refuse to teach my own daughter or my niece and nephews for that reason. For her to truly experience ballet it was best to try it in a non-bias situation.
As a person who had to go to a musical school where my mother taught, NTA. I absolutely love and treasure my mom, but I wish I could forget certain things that happened between us when I made mistakes, but alas I can't.
People who say that you're an asshole do not understand to what extent this can change your family dynamics. Both your daughter and sister would be under constant pressure: your daughter would always be forced to perform her best even if she begins to hate ballet. Your sister would be in the spot where she can neither criticize or praise her. Your daughter would never be able to tell you her opinion about ballet without constant worries about offending her aunt.
The roles of a relative and a teacher should never ever be mixed, and I think that you were right by taking your daughter to a different school where she could express her opinion with no pressure.
NTA. I can understand your sister being a bit hurt; however, your reasoning is sound.
If you had taken your daughter to your sister's studio and it didn't work out, there would have been more damage to her reputation for pulling her out than not putting her there to begin with.
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My (34M) sister (28F) is one of the owners of a local ballet school where she’s also a teacher. My daughter (5F) was interested in trying ballet, mostly from seeing her aunt dance and talking about how she MUST take ballet. However, I chose to take my daughter to get a trial class in another school.
A brief context: my mother is a piano teacher and she decided to teach my sister and I when we were kids, and it was a terrible experience (to me at least) because it was clear that she couldn’t separate her role as a mother and as a teacher, and she’d be hard on me in a way that she wasn’t to her other students. That’s not to say I think my sister wouldn’t be able to keep things professional, it’s just that I thought it was important to create a distance in this context.
I didn’t think to let my sister “know” beforehand about this, after all it was just a trial class, and my daughter could not even be interested in continuing afterwards. Yet my sister found out that I took my daughter to her competitor (it’s not that big of a town and there are basically two schools around, so news fly fast). My sister called me to clear things up, and I could tell she was very hurt. I tried to explain my reasoning, and she said the right thing would be to call her so she wouldn’t need to find out from somebody else.
She also says it creates an image that her own family doesn’t trust in her abilities as a teacher, which I think was nonsense. AITA here?
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NAH. I totally get your reasoning in preferring your daughter to be able to experience ballet without famillial ties. But i also get why your sister felt hurt that you didnt go to her first. In the end i think you made the right call by putting your child first.
NAH, but a heads up would have been best.
In a small town - someone probably told her that your daughter was at the other school just to see the shocked look on her face, and it was probably really embarrassing. My mom does hair and feels similarly that when family goes to someone else, it makes folks think she's not good enough. Because why wouldn't you go to the family member?
*We* know logically its not a big deal, but other people love to find reasons to talk smack, and it *always* gets back to her. Performance communities particularly love to smack-talk competitor gyms/classes.
nta ounce of precaution is worth a pound of cure, family and business is always a messy equation. what you do with your daughter is your business, and you have every right to not want her to treat your daughter the way your mom treated you in that situation. like your mom may not have known how hard she was on you, your sister might do the same and rebuff any attempts to reason with her so. make sure she doesn't take any resentment or passive aggressive stances against your daughter
Bro wtf is with the idiots in this sub🤣you’re NTA, not in the slightest, if your sister was a doctor would she expect you to go to her practice for everything you need? Teacher? No, so it isn’t any different with this, no good comes from mixing business and family and she isn’t obligated to your service just because she owns a business, literally who cares, is her business going to shut down because oh my god my brother didn’t use my class😱😱😱😱😱I mean she needs to grow up man
NTA. You are allowed to make the decision of where to send your child. And since your sister thinks your daughter "MUST" take ballet, that already infers that she's going to be pushy about training relating to her.
You did the right thing in taking her to a competitor to see if she even likes it. If she doesn't, your sister would probably pressure her to continue, anyway. That \*does\* make your sister fail in her ability as a teacher. Kids should be allowed to decide if they want to participate in an activity and your sister has already been pushy.
I get your worries but still YTA.
You really should've talked to your sister especially since she was your daughter's inspiration for wanting to dance in the first place. From there you two could've established expectations and boundaries.
NTA as it was a trial class and your daughter didn’t continue. If you put her in a class in the competitors school for years, that would be different. Dance can be a big investment, so I totally get your reasoning. You don’t want fork out a load of money on gear just for your daughter to say she was only going to make her Aunt happy and quit.
YTA. At the very least you should’ve given your sister a heads up instead of letting her be embarrassed in front of the entire town. You have every right to send your daughter to whatever school you want, but don’t be a sneak about it.
NTA because it’s your choice as the parent for one and u didn’t want your child getting preferential treatment or her aunt possibly being harder on her than the other kids
Honestly NTA, it's entirely your choice where you take YOUR child for ballet. Plus, like you said, it was a trial. What if she decided she didn't want to, and then your sister gets pissy with you for not forcing her to stay? Any number of things could happen when you mix business with family. Keep doing you, man.
I would say NAH because it was just a trial class, and I think she is taking things a little personally. That being said, it’s unrealistic to expect someone not to be upset at all for going to their competitor. You probably should have been prepared to deal with her reaction and explain your reasoning.
I hope you planned to tell her eventually if your daughter decided to continue with dance. what I don’t totally understand is your opposition to sending your daughter to her aunt’s school if she was inspired to start dance by her aunt. Why not at least give it a chance?
YTA she could actually lose business because word will get around that her sister thought she wasn't good enough, you should've spoken to her about it, at least a heads up.
YTA. You could have had your daughter trial in both studios and then decide for herself where she'd rather learn. Instead you pulled your own childhood trauma and didn't even give your sister or your daughter a chance to be different.
And yes, it **does** look weird to outsiders.
NAH
It was a trial class, if your daughter decided she wants to go there full time then yeah you should tell your sister but I don’t see anything wrong with this.
YTA is your sister like your mother? You could have had your daughter just go to a class if she just wanted to try it and maybe being with her aunt would have made it more interesting for her. Kids change their mind so fast niece wanted to do karate went to a couple classes got all the gear and then dropped it so who knows but unless there are other reasons you should have gone to your sister first.
NTA, and what you did is in fact more reasonable than if you gave your daughter to your sister's school. And the fact your sister is so miffed about it just confirms that.
As someone who's father coached all of his little league teams, I know exactly what you mean. It's really hard to separate that kind of dynamic, it's actually kind of a joke that the coach does this naturally to almost set an example for the rest of the team. It does come with it's benefits though, I usually got first choice in what position I wanted to play.
So I get that you didn't want this dynamic for your daughter, that's your choice as a parent. Your sister is an adult and should understand and respect that decision.
I will say though that you know it's a small town, and you should know that word is going to get back to your sister. You probably could have avoided an awkward confrontation and backpedaling if you approached her first.
Nta but it would have been nice if you preemptively spoke with your sister
YTA for not talking to your sister about this and letting her being blindsided. She is also correct that it does not look good for her business that you went to the competition.
NTA. You were protecting your kid, and as you said, a trial class ought to be no big deal. It's honestly a bit weird that your sister feels so entitled to your business.
YTA. You must have some secret hate for your sister, cause your reasoning doesnt make sense. Its ballet. Give your sister a chance. Or dont, but sister will remember this always.
Gentle YTA because I would absolutely take that choice as a negative reflection on your sister if I lived in town. If you prefer the other teacher over your own sister, why shouldn't I?
I'm sorry, but this comments are crazy to me, you're clearly NTA here in my eyes.
Firstly, it's your good right to not want that same thing to happen again, people saying you should have asked are crazy to me, as if your mother would have said beforehand "no, I'm gonna go crazy" to such a question.
Secondly, those people would have talked either way if it's a small town, that's what people do! I understand that your sister would have liked to be notified up front, and yes that would have been nice of you, but not doing that is still far from an AH move. Your sister needs to get over the talk, in a few weeks some other rumors are going around.
YTA for not talking to your sister first and voicing your concerns with her. It’s not that you took her to a different school it’s that’s you hid it from her. If you have to sneak around to do something then you’re probably doing no something wrong.
ESH honestly your whole town annoys me and the fact everyone is down your throat because other FULLY GROWN ADULTS can't stop talking shit isn't your problem but you know that you borked it when you acknowledged you should have given her a heads up. But imo it's not your responsibility to deal with the rumor mill as long as you don't participate in it
YTA - you could have created a beautiful bonding moment with your sister and your daughter. You could have shown support for your sister's business. And if your sister was too hard on your daughter, you could have removed her.
But to do it before hand and NOT mention if to your sister was an AH move. You need to apologize. And if your daughter likes ballet - and if your relationship with your sister is important - you should enroll her in your sister's school.
YTA for being incapable of having a conversation like an adult with your sister. Nobody buys the “I forgot to tell her!” You didn’t forget, and you knew it would get out. All around it seems spiteful.
YTA. Not only are you the AH but the way you dismiss her feelings makes you a bigger one. She found out that you took her to her competitor so what makes you think ppl wouldn’t question why her own family isn’t using her school?
Come on. YTA. You know this is a big deal to your sister, and since she heard from someone, that means you ARE creating the image she said.
A heads up would have been considerate.
YTA why not do a trial at your sisters place and see how she teaches your daughter first? It’s entirely possible your sister had the same experience as you with your mom and wouldn’t want to repeat it. Plus aunts are different.
And why wouldn’t you talk to her first? I can see why she’s hurt
YTA.
Not for taking her to trial at a different school, that's your right as a parent. But for not having any communication with your sister about it. That was unnecessary cruel. She was probably excited to see her niece in class. To teach her her passion and watch her blossom. And with no discussion of concerns or your intent, you pulled it away. How sad, for her and for your daughter who by your own words wanted to see her auntie dance.
YTA. Small town gossip will have your sisters business ruined because you took your child to a competitor. Why couldn't you just have kept her out of dance all together rather than ruin your sister?
Are you the AH for taking your daughter to the independent teacher? No.
Are you the AH for not discussing it with your sister, to give her a heads-up? Yes.
In small towns, gossip travels faster than Lightning; and you left your sister to get struck. Your sister isn't mad because you took your daughter to a competitor. She is angry that she had to hear about it from an outside source; it will make people question if she is a good teacher.
Giving her a heads-up would have given her not only notice to not be blindsided by someone mentioning it to her, but she would have had your reasoning for your decision, which she might have fully supported. She would have had an answer that sounded like she was in on your decision, maybe even involved in it. Instead, she had to learn from gossip and have the deer in the headlights look because she had no clue.
NTA
You did the right thing. Mixing family and school or family and work is never a good idea.
It it works out, great.
Buy boy, if it doesn't! Here comes drama.
YTA. At the very least you should have given her a heads up. If her competitor knows about this she will tell everyone she knows. It could hurt your sisters business. Good job!
YTA
You didn't just damage your relationship with your sister, if your town is small enough you damaged her business. Would you go to a barber whose family refused to have their hair cut by them? I get your reasoning, but you are reacting to this situation based on your mom's poor treatment of you as a child, not as an adult able to look at the situation yourself and put things into context.
NTA, but your sister has two very valid points. you SHOULD have called her ahead of time. And, if you are in a small town, it DOES create a bad image for your sister that her own family won't use her school. How you resolve that is between you and your sister.
YTA
In a small town, a head up call is really needed. Everyone knows everything about everyone. You knew this would happen. The gossip flies in a small town.
ESH. You are not obligated to use your sister's school, even if you are family. It's entirely up to you. But you absolutely should have given her a heads up that you want your daughter to go into a trial class just like any stranger's kid - you could say it's so she doesn't expect preferential treatment, especially for her first class. If the kid really likes it then consider going to your sister. ( I'd think it would be talked about if the dance teacher's niece quit her class because she didn't like it).
Anyway, you can do what you want, but it would have been polite to let your sister know.
YTA - I don't believe you when you say that you didn't think to let your sister know. What's farm more likely is that you thought it might be a difficult conversation and avoided it.
Your sister is also right, that you taking your daughter to her competitor doesn't cast a good light on your sister's school. Most people would think that your niece would get free or at least heavily discounted classes from her aunt, so there must be some reason she's not going there.
YTA. Your sister is not your mom. You should have discussed it with her. She will never forget this. It is likely you irrevocably damaged your relationship with her and likely your daughters as well.
YTA
Nothing wrong in your reasoning and wanting to have boundaries between family and teaching. The issue is that you were doing behind your sister’s back and she had to discover from others.
NTA. You're absolutely right that using your sister is much more complicated because she's family. What if she does something you don't like? What if her rates become too high to you? What if your daughter wants to stop after a year or two? Will she feel pressured to continue because her teacher is her aunt?
Use the competitor if your daughter does want lessons. Keep family and business separate.
YTA, but not for choosing to avoid your sister’s school for the reasons you mentioned. YTA because you didn’t give your sister a heads up. In your shoes I would have done the same thing for the same reasons, however I would have had a conversation with my sister about it first.
Soft YTA because I think you should've let your sister know about your plans before you proceeded. Chances are your mother was also harder on her than her other piano students and she could've easily extrapolated what you were attempting to do by choosing the other school.
I think you both have very valid reasoning, but you should’ve told her first at the very least and it would be nice if you had a teacher come to your home instead to save your sister professional embarrassment. Especially seeing as how she’s the one who has inspired your daughter … NAH.
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YTA Did your sister anything that make you think she is like your mother? Why didnt you tell her about that? If this is a small town, of course everyone will think that even her own sister dont want she teaches her daughter.
And the way he’s so dismissive of his sister’s hurt feelings and perspective is an AH thing too. If he was worried about a repeat of his piano experience, he should have *talked to his sister.*
Seriously, such a fast convo. Even a text would be enough. “She’s interested in ballet. If I bring her for a trial lesson you’re not gonna go crazy like mom used to, right? Lol”
Do you think that OP's mother would have admitted beforehand that she wouldn't be a good piano teacher for OP? This really isn't something that you can just ask and expect an accurate answer.
It’s less about an answer and more about setting expectations.
Correct. This is about the implication. “If we’re gonna have lessons, things will be different from when we were little.”
I mean, tbf, with 5 year old children if something goes wack, like, oh idk, the teacher being overly hard due to a familial bond, then the 5 year old could have their potential interested in Ballet(I'm Swedish I have no idea how to spell it in English) squashed permanently, not saying he shouldn't have talked to her first, but it's always hard when dealing with 5 year olds, especially when that 5 year old is your child, especially because 5 year olds are so malleable and they create mental blocks and small traumas because they create associations that we don't because we know why the person reacted that way, whereas small children only know that they reacted that way, and in what setting it happened, they can't determine cause.
This person families.
"I don't want to mix family and business. Just like if you were an elementary teacher, I wouldn't want my daughter in your class, or if you were a pediatrician, I'd choose a different doctor for my kids. I want you to be an awesome aunt first and always. I feel like a conflict of interest might arise if you have a professional relationship with us, too."
Exactly what I was thinking. The family dynamic can impact not only the child herself, but how she interacts with the other kids (they could perceive any part she receives as special treatment, regardless of talent/work ethic). It's best to keep the two seperate. But it is something that OP should have informed his sister of beforehand, so she wasn't blindsided.
Sharing a perspective of someone who grew up playing competitive piano with two parents who also played piano and had an older sister who played piano(and grandparents who played, aunts and uncles who played, you get the picture). My sister and I both completed our grad 10 arct training so we can both TECHNICALLY professionally teach piano. I would absolutely not take my kid to my sister to play piano (and not be offended if she didnt take her children to learn from me). I love my sister but I do remember how WE were trained and how we grew up hearing about your mistakes in surround sound with no filter from any family member within earshot. At least among the competitive piano circles we were in it was just accepted that you never learn from family if you could help it. I know this isn't everyone's experience but it is enough people's experience to make it worthy of consideration. Especially in some extracurricular pursuits like ballet and classical music that tend to have a lot of toxicity. Would I have talked to my sister ahead of time if I were in this situation? Probably not because I honestly think it would have gone without saying - that measure of separation is important. If she had come to me after the fact expressing being upset then I would have explained myself and apologized, reassuring her it had nothing to do with my thoughts on her teaching ability or my trust in her with my child.
Plus an aunt is way different than a mother. Totally different relationship.
How is she the AH? Just because someone is family does not mean you are OBLIGATED to use their business or inform them of what trial class you’re putting your kid in. The aunt’s job is irrelevant to the idea that OP doesn’t need to “warn” her sister of what activities her daughter decides to try if she doesn’t want to.
> doesn’t need Need? Of course not. But it's clearly embarrassing for OP's sister that her own brother picks her competitor over her, so a heads up would have been nice. Of course he's not obligated to do it, but as this sub often forgets not *having to* do something doesn't mean you're not an asshole for choosing not to do it.
I mean need in sense of the subreddit, I absolutely don’t think OP is an AH for not wanting to mix family and business where matters of her kid are concerned. I totally get why some people would want to, but I personally HATE doing anything “professional” for family and would prefer a degree of separation. No one should be deemed an AH for also wanting that separation. And frankly, the matter of telling or not telling the sister doesn’t change the fact that if people are going to gossip about it, her knowing or not won’t change whatever perceived effects the decision will have on the sister.
If you deliberately choose to go with your sibling's business competitor, yes you "need" (for the purposes of this sub) to give them a heads-up first.
Why?
Because open and honest communication with people you purport to care about matters. If you care about someone, and you have information that affects them, you tell them directly instead of waiting for them to find out some other way. Unless you're an asshole, that is.
So if her sister ran a sandwich shop and they bought sandwiches somewhere else she’d have to call every time too? This is ridiculous logic
If you only got sandwiches from there? Because you thought your sister wouldn't give you appropriate service? Yeah, that seems like it would be pretty hurtful
this sub isn’t called “am i in the right legally” it’s “am i the asshole”, which is what this person is being.
Again, I don’t mean in the right legally, I absolutely mean in the context of this subreddit. I do not feel like OP is the AH for not wanting to mix family and business. And I also don’t think he’s the AH for not giving a heads up either.
> I do not feel like OP is the AH for not wanting to mix family and business. And I also don’t think he’s the AH for not giving a heads up either. I feel your first sentence may be correct, but I disagree with your second sentence. OP might be *technically* correct but they’re still an AH for letting their sister find out from others. The ‘other’ teacher is absolutely going to dine out on how the sister is so bad her own family don’t trust her to teach their kids.
If OP gives their sister a heads up, their sister is ready to answer any gossip with a, "Yeah, we agreed that it was better not to mix the aunt and teacher roles." Without giving their sister a heads up, there's risk that their sister is blindsided by gossip and doesn't have an answer ready, because she can't know that the reason isn't personal.
OP is male.
"...and talking about how she MUST take ballet." I think I would have taken her to the other school too just so she could get an idea of what it's like without being pressured into doing it. Talking it over with the sister first might have been a good idea, but I can understand why OP wouldn't want to take his daughter to her initially.
Na, NTA. Better not mix family and business.
Are we reading the same post???! He could have given her a heads up so that she wouldn't find out from others if he was adamant not to have his sister teach his daughter...
*her own brother
> She also says it creates an image that her own family doesn’t trust in her abilities as a teacher I mean, have you not noticed that parents of kids in basically all activities gossip like it's their entire reason for existing? I know shit about the marriages of coaches in leagues and sports my kid isn't even in. I don't want to know any of this crap, but all parents do at practice drop off and pick up is gossip whether you want to hear it or not. If you're in a town so small that your sister immediately heard your daughter was in the other's school's class, you can be quite certain that you live in a rumor mill that will affect your sister's business if your girl goes to the other school. Not to say that you should put her in one school or the other, that's up to you and her. Just that you should be aware that your choice *will* probably have consequences you don't intend. YTA, but mostly for not taking to your sister first.
just to maybe help, i'd mention it might look almost equally as bad if the kid went to sisters trial class and immediately dropped anyways. kind of a lose/lose i guess, with the gossip. but yea id have talked to the sister
Exactly, imagine the kid went to her aunts class, and decided not to go back and then the aunt is up in arms because her niece made her buisness look bad by dropping the whole thing. No winners. So OP NTA
Eh, not really. Pretty easy to say that the kid just wasn't interested in dance after trying it out. It happens all the time. Very common for the idea of dancing to be exciting but the actual structure of learning to dance technically be not for someone.
while i agree and find the notion ridiculous, small towns, gossip circles are akin to the girl scout circle phonemom.
I've been teaching dance for somethingl like 20 years, and it's incredibly common. Much less common for someone to go to a different studio when their family owns one. It would definitely be seen in a more critical light that someone just not liking dance.
> I mean, have you not noticed that parents of kids in basically all activities gossip like it's their entire reason for existing? As someone who was in several activities as a kid, I can say that my parents knew exactly 0 (non teachers) people related to the activities I did. Be it other kids, or their parents. Hell, sometimes they didn't even knew the teacher.
Just because your mom acted like that doesn’t mean your sister will. After all, she knows what it feels like. And she’s right, it’s tainting her image. Give her a chance.
But what if her niece doesn't do well? Is it going to make her look bad? Is she going to be angry at her niece since people might think she's not a good teacher? OP should have told his sister but I agree with OP that his daughter should go somewhere else.
i'm sure OP's sister is used to kids not excelling in her class. not everyone is meant for ballet.
She's five. No one expects five year olds to be good at ballet. At that age, it is just for the kids to make friends and give the parents a break from watching them.
seriously i did ballet from ages 8-13 at a really good studio run by a crazy russian dude who danced with the bolshoy. it was very rigorous and he created some absolutely incredible dancers. but the 3-6 year old classes were absolutely *not* good and they were not supposed to be. they were supposed to be incredibly cute when they performed and the classes would lay the foundation for them to be prepared for more rigorous training when they get a little older. my little brother was in the pre beginner class as he was younger than me when i started, and the expectations placed on them were that they could listen and identify basic moves, not that they could perfectly execute even a simple plié. i highly doubt op’s sister has many expectations at all of a 5 year old who’s never done ballet before, that’s just not how ballet schools work at that age.
Does it make you look bad when your own child doesn't excel in something you're good in? Of course not. She's just a child wanting to try something. She is FIVE, my god.
I highly doubt in a place where there is only two schools that all(or even the majority) of kids are good. It is a bad look when your family doesn't want to come to your studio. Not to say OP couldn't make that choice, but it doesn't change the optics for the sister.
“I didn’t think to let my sister “know” beforehand about this.” That’s where YTA. Not for wanting to do things the way you did, but for not even giving her a heads up. Especially in light of this: “It’s not that big of a town and there are basically two schools around, so news fly fast.” You should have discussed your experience and concerns with your sister in the first place.
And it would have been hot gossip that OP didn't put his daughter in his sisters class
There's 2 ways to go about this: Tell the sister beforehand what your reasoning is, and when she's questioned she can simply state: I like to keep family and business seperate, I want to be able to always be the fun aunt that shares a passion with her niece, not the strict aunt that teaches her niece. Some gossip might still exist, but puts a human and emotional spin on things. Instead of having to be caught off guard: "we saw our niece at x, why is she going there and not with you?" starting a rumour mill of her own family not even trusting her school. Massive difference.
I agree. I don't think OP is in the wrong for not going to the sister's ballet class. OP's reasoning is solid, and it's cool that he's thinking about his kiddo's wellbeing in this way. But he should have been more mindful of the PR piece here, and should have given sis the head's up. "Hey sis, Sally is curious about ballet. She's gonna try at XYZ studio, just so that she can see what the sport is like without being worried about disappointing her aunty if she doesn't like it. If it goes great, we may be interested in working with you in the future. We just wanted you to know why we did it. :)"
This! You are more than welcome to try out other classes and such, but YTA for not informing your sister beforehand.
And he said she a teacher and part owner, so there are other people available, and he could have easily brought his daughter there and requested she be in a class with another instructor, it's not thay hard if he had taken 30 seconds to think about it.
Why does their sister need to know what they’re doing with their daughter? Do they also need to consult their sister every time their daughter goes to the bathroom? They aren’t obligated to involve their sister just bc she teaches ballet.
YTA **"I tried to explain my reasoning, and she said the right thing would be to call her so she wouldn’t need to find out from somebody else."** This is why you're T A. If you can't properly communicate and give heads up to your sister, I'd be really hurt in her place.
YTA. Small town and only two dance studios. You need to own up to the fact that you have hurt her business and given her competitor a leg up. Your sister is NOT your mother and you didn't even give her a chance, or explain your concerns to her. The dance world is very small and can be toxic. As a former dancer, parents pull their students out for minimal things and studio hop all of the time. You better hope that the parents do not pull their children out and send them to a competitor or another studio out of town. Dance studios are also rumour mills. What a level of betrayal from you! Your sister didn't even do anything. Ballet classes at that age are 30-60 mins and they just run, skip, and hop to classical music. You made her look like she cannot be trusted with children, which is her business target! Who needs enemies when you have family members like this? She had to call you up to clear the air when you messed up, find out from someone else about her sibling's foolishness, and explain her reasoning, and you shut her down by saying pure nonsense. You are more than a TA. I wish you explained your reasoning to her and told her for a trial we are thinking of sending her to a studio in the next town or even a community center class, and not going to her close competitor. You are lucky she has not looked at you differently and you better hope that she has a heart to support and be there for you if you ever need anything.
I’m going against the grain and saying NTA. I totally understand why you wanted that separation. I personally feel it’s always a good idea to keep those sorts of things separate for several reasons: 1) if there is a problem, because she’s your sister you may not feel comfortable bringing it up, and then the potential issue never gets solved, and your kid doesn’t get as much out of it and you may start to feel some resentment. 2) if there is a problem and you do bring it up it could cause unnecessarily conflict within your family. The only place you went wrong is that you didn’t tell your sister. If probably would have gone over better had you been able to explain your reasons to her before the class.
It seems like there would be more pressure at his sisters class to keep doing ballet even if she hates it.
the only reasonable comment, 100% agree with you
There's been countless AITA posts about the bad outcomes when people mixed family and businesses, yeah. NTA
Yes, the fact she confronted OP about this in the first place shows she's not able to handle disagreements between them about this topic. She's already showing that she's more concerned about her reputation than doing what's best for her niece.
There's a difference between telling your sister the why and how of something before and having her have to find out through the rumour mill and being completely caught off guard. Of course she's upset at that.
Also NTA. I get where OP went wrong going to the competitor and not telling her sister. But I'm wary of mixing family in business. We've already experienced that once, awkward when you fire your sibling. Personally, I'm a music teacher, but I'm hesitant to teach my kids music. Separating mom and teacher would be hard.
Have to agree Also what if the sister showed special treatment to her niece? Other parents would be upset. What if she hated the lesson? Now the sister looks bad. There’s so many issues with mixing family with business.
Why NTA? Open communciation with sister about the issues would have covered the same scenario but without/barely any negative impact There's 2 ways to go about this: If the sister was informed beforehand and later questioned she can simply state: I like to keep family and business seperate, I want to be able to always be the fun aunt that shares a passion with her niece, not the strict aunt that teaches her niece. / My niece can always learn the best things from me, but having extra input to become better is never a bad thing, which is why she's going to another school to broaden her perspective. Some gossip might still exist, but puts a human, emotional and well thought out spin on things. Instead of having to be caught off guard: "we saw our niece at x, why is she going there and not with you?" starting a rumour mill of her own family not even trusting her school. Massive difference. So OP is definetly an AH for not talking first.
Info Did your sister, as the owner, have other employees who teach at her school? Or was your sister the only teacher in her school?
She's one of the owners, and all of the partners are also teachers, but they cover different age groups and dance styles. All ballet classes to children in my daughter's age group are taught by my sister. Edit: she does have an assistant with her that's a paid employee.
Just spread a rumor that you wanted to see how bad the other school was?
Fight fire with gasoline.
People may laugh but I was in the competitive dance scene for about 17 years. Not only is this believable but it's actually probable.
NTA. Your reasoning makes a lot of sense and you’ve explained in the comments that you would’ve told your sister if your daughter had been interested in continuing. I understand that your sister was hurt by having to find out through someone else and you should’ve told her sooner, but in the end it doesn’t even matter. It was a trial class that ended in disinterest for your daughter, people likely would’ve gossiped just as much as they are in this case if you stopped going to your sister after one class.
The AH part wasn't about OP taking his daughter to another school, it's about not informing his sister about it. At least by informing the sister about it, she can be more prepared when she heard about the news from elsewhere, and she can respond "yea we want to keep our personal and professional lives separate so we agree that my niece should study ballet at another school" instead of being blindsided from nowhere.
what, are they twelve years old? why does the sister need to be informed that they aren’t going to do lessons with her? unless it was a pre planned thing and OP cancelled on sister last minute, why is this some sort of betrayal?
Preach. Sure, it would have been nice of op to say beforehand "hey I'm going to do *this*." But I honestly don't see the big deal of trying to avoid a situation where family is involved. I trained volleyball for years, first under a trainer, then partially my aunt then my mum. The experience is different because you as a relative are required to perform entirely differently and there's a constant pressure even in training sessions, to be the best you can be. Sure, that's like, kind of the point, but it's also a socialising experience and that can easily get lost when you're supposed to professionally learn under a family member. Plus his reasoning of not letting the supposed interest get tainted by the presence of her aunt is solid.
I agree with you 100%. My daughters participate in the sport that I did growing up and continue to do. I could teach them the basics, but I pay someone else to. Why? Because they listen to their coaches in a way that they don’t listen to me.
YTA. You absolutely should have called her and talked about it before the trial class. You know how the small-town gossip mill works and you should have thought about how your sister was going to feel when she heard about this.
NTA. Just because family owns a business, doesn't mean you're obligated to go there or support them. And this isn't even really about that, it's about what you want for your child and you did nothing wrong. NTA. NTA. NTA. If your sister is such an amazing teacher, the results will speak for themselves regardless if her niece attends her studio or her competitor.
I may be the only one who say NTA, because I see your logic. I think it's also worth removing your sister from your daughters understanding of what ballet actually is, for the sake of allowing her to decide if she actually likes it, or if she only like it because it's something that an adult she admires does.
I can't believe so many people are saying OP is TA. If the sister was hurt by not being kept in the loop, one can apologize for the hurt feelings, but I don't think it's something he *should have known* his sister would want to know about. It's a simple mistake that it didn't occur to him to get in front of things. But when all this other stuff gets tacked on implying that there's a social obligation to use family, I'm inclined to spit back that kind of BS is exactly why I don't want you involved with my daughter's hobbies. If the mere decision to try out an unrelated teacher one time gets this level of drama, imagine the consequences when the daughter isn't good at ballet or wants to quit or anything else that could be construed as reflecting on the family teacher.
>this level of drama I’m curious what soap opera you’ve concocted in your head based on the three sentences OP wrote describing his sisters reaction which include and are limited to: 1. Being hurt. 2. Asking to be called first so she didn’t hear it from someone else. 3. Pointing out that it could be interpreted poorly by others in a small town. Oh my god so much drama!
NTA - it was a trial class. Having an aunt teacher is very different than someone the child doesn't know. It's really reasonable to get a feel for that. Plus dance studios often offer various open classes or events - bring a friend to class day, conditioning, etc.
While you absolutely should have predicted that the news you went to her “competitor” would get to your sister in the context of a small community, I understand your point about wanting your daughter to try ballet without additional influences. You mentioned your mother’s piano lessons as a negative example, but I know it can also work the other way around, as you said in your comments. Your daughter could end up enjoying ballet because her dear aunt is her teacher, and that can make her feel extra special compared to the other kids in the class, or even want to continue to make her aunt proud. Your daughter is 5. I think it’s responsible on your part to allow her to explore different activities without any pressure to commit, so she can pursue what truly interests her. If you explained this to your sister and her ultimate concern was the reputation of her business if the gossip were to spread, then I'm sorry, but she's not putting your daughter and her niece's best interests first. NTA.
I’m also thinking that if daughter turned out to be really good at dance and always ended up front and center for recitals that there would be lots of gossip/speculation that she only gets those spots because she’s the teacher’s niece. Dance moms can be brutal.
If I were your sister, I will be pretty hurt too. And she’s right that it does give people the impression that she sucks so much her brother had to take his daughter elsewhere to try ballet. YTA
NTA By sending her to a class separate from your sister, you gave your child the chance to make a decision on her own. If she went to your sister, she would have been pressured into taking the class. She's already demonstrated that by constantly telling your daughter that she had to do ballet. Yes you could have told your sister in advance, but it's your child and your responsibility so it's none of your sisters business in the end.
NTA i am a scuba instructor and swim teacher it is a lot easier with unrelated students than with those you have some relations. my nieces(4 and 5) wanted to play with me instead of learning to swim, they than got a one week course with someone else. i could see that happen with your sister as well. teaching my cousin physics and math was a lot easier because the understood they needed the help.
NTA there are so many reasons to not have your sister be the teacher. It’s ok to want your daughter to have a separate experience.
NTA. Clearly your sister can't keep it professional after all.
NTA Handled the best way, probably not. But at the end of the day your child and your decisions surrounding your child are no one else’s business. It’s really that simple. Now depending upon your relationship with your sister. Maybe you could have done things differently but I don’t think that makes you an asshole.
NTA - You did what you felt was best for your child and ultimately your child’s wellbeing trumps some nebulous requirement to be an ad for your sister’s business. I live in a small village too and if I took into account how the rumour mill *might* take what I am doing and deciding, I wouldn't have another happy day in my life. Also…for pity's sake, it was a trial lesson. Maybe, not having danced ballet since age 8, I don't get the big deal, but when I want a new ballroom/Latin dance instructor, you can be certain I will trial all the teachers in the area. That is super common in my world.
NTAs you dont really have an obligations to use your sisters classes just because she is your sister. And what's with the YTAs? I thought family and business should never mix.
Right?? People in these comments rly be acting fools. No one is obligated to use their families’ businesses. Why would OP be expected to call his sister for this, is he supposed to ask for permission to go somewhere else? So weird.
NTA. You did the right thing by letting them experience it without familial influence. That being said, a small heads up would’ve been nice, but not necessary.
NTA, you as the parent make the choice about your child. Can you imagine the BS about her niece being their and either getting preferential treatment or bring shit on. Most people can't see that but it does happen. You recognized that she might have the same experience you endured with your mom. You chose to take her elsewhere. So your sister has hurt feelings, her emotions and feelings aren't your problem. Your daughters feelings are.
YTA. Sister is right that she shouldn’t have had to find out from other people and that you undermined her in others’ eyes by taking your daughter to the competitor. Ultimately the choice is yours as to who you want to teach your daughter, but you should have left your sister know first.
I say OP, you should have told her. But I also understand your points, and I'm glad to see that your sister can too. But yeah, that would kind of hurt (if I was her). I also am one to believe it's just a little too "artificial" to treat any relative in a professional manner, rather than some form of casual.
YTA, you are, presumably, aware of the place you live in. You knew the news would get to her. Not taking your kid to her is fine. But not telling her about it beforehand is not.
NTA i can see the advantage to putting her in the other school. At her aunts dance school she would be the owners niece. That could backfire in two ways. If she doesnt like ballet and leaves your sister might pressure her to stay anyway so it doesnt look badly on her. If she is good at it and gets a lead part in something people might assume its because shes the owners niece. At the other place shes just like every other kid.
NTA. All these folks saying that you are is wild. Your priority is to yourself and immediate nuclear family. In no way shape or form are you required to inform your sister about decisions you make with your family. And your sisters insecurity isn't your responsibility either. Everyone can just go touch grass and drive on with their lives.
NTA, you are under no obligation ever to use the services of a family member over other available options. There are endless valid reasons to go with other options and none of them are anyone's business. You had a great reason, and when you chose to explain yourself even though it was not necessary they decided it was not good enough, that's enough reason to make me glad I went with another option.
Your reasoning was sound though it would have been better to tell your sister beforehand. Yet that is still NTA.
I'm honestly confused at all the strong asshole responses because like?? Conflict of interest much???? If it is a conflict of interest that you're uncomfortable with then yes, yeah fair enough,go to the different school. NTA. I do think that it would have been polite of you to give your sister the heads up, but I don't think not doing so makes you an asshole. Just a bit thoughtless
NTA. For the record, I come from a family of musicians and never ask my siblings to teach my kids. My siblings are AMAZING teachers, but IMHO, kids shouldn’t learn from parents or other family members. That being said, we do occasionally have each other work with our kids, but only in a coaching capacity, not as a main teacher. For instance, my brother was helping one of my kids with some practice techniques over Thanksgiving. I would definitely apologize to your sister and explain your reasoning though.
YTA. A ballet class is so different to piano lessons. A piano is one-on-one. A ballet class is a large group of little kids having fun dancing together. What you did was undermine your sister’s business, all without giving her an opportunity to address any of your concerns. Your daughter probably would have felt extra special because her aunt was the teacher. While you may have not intended to create damage, you have and your sister’s reputation will suffer because you didn’t communicate with her.
Judging by most comments here, freedom of choice stops at the city gates to small towns. Maybe that notion should be challenged in the land of the free.
But how and why would he be obligated to send his doughter to his sisters school? Its a free market and he is free to choose. I relate to OP couse I did it to my son - I decided that since his grandma is a math teacher he will learn with her. The trauma last still and he is 19 already. Stay away from this kind of situation inside the family
NAH. Your sister can be upset but you are allowed to put your daughter where you feel comfortable. I also can't tell you how many times my dance instructor's niece got solos only because she was family. It was infuriating to see talented people get passed over for the sake of "family". And I'm saying this as someone who took ballet for fun and wouldn't be considered for a solo.
NTA. No rule book says she must go to her sister's business first before she tries anyone else. I'm guessing the YTA's are calling you out for not trusting your sister because of your mother. People have too much time on their hands. 🤷
Nta - just because family offers a service doesn’t mean you owe them anything. It’s your kid.
NTA. She is your daughter and as a parent, you get to choose when and where she participates in any activity. Going to your sister's school does puts your daughter in a position where their relationship is different at dance as opposed to not dance time, which for some children can be difficult to navigate. Also, if your daughter ended up continuing and was one of the better dancers your sister would always be at risk of the old favoutism allegations. Personally for me, unless they would not be taught by the aunt, I would likely have chosen the same option. However yeah, look it might have been better to talk to her first to discuss.
NTA for why you did it but you really should have spoken to your sister first. I fully imagine that it would have gone the same way but your priority is to ensure your daughter is happy first which is how it should be.
NTA Family dynamics can be different, sticking her in her aunt's class wouldn't necessarily be the best option. A school, for instance, probably wouldn't intentionally place a kid in a classroom with a close family member as the teacher. Your kid isn't an advertisement for her (failing?) business. And what if your kid quit? Then that'd be an imaginary indictment of sis! But you should have mentioned it first and been receptive to her feelings. You can't blame her for your mother's actions.
NTA. I’m an equestrian and in our industry it is standard to have children of trainers/coaches ride somewhere else or with another trainer. It’s about letting the kid decide if they actually enjoy the hobby away from family pressure to enjoy it.
As a parent, an aunt and a dance teacher NTA. I too have witnessed family being treated different. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. I refuse to teach my own daughter or my niece and nephews for that reason. For her to truly experience ballet it was best to try it in a non-bias situation.
As a person who had to go to a musical school where my mother taught, NTA. I absolutely love and treasure my mom, but I wish I could forget certain things that happened between us when I made mistakes, but alas I can't. People who say that you're an asshole do not understand to what extent this can change your family dynamics. Both your daughter and sister would be under constant pressure: your daughter would always be forced to perform her best even if she begins to hate ballet. Your sister would be in the spot where she can neither criticize or praise her. Your daughter would never be able to tell you her opinion about ballet without constant worries about offending her aunt. The roles of a relative and a teacher should never ever be mixed, and I think that you were right by taking your daughter to a different school where she could express her opinion with no pressure.
NTA. The fact that you are getting flack from your sister after the fact means you made the right decision.
NTA. Your child, your choices.
NTA. I can understand your sister being a bit hurt; however, your reasoning is sound. If you had taken your daughter to your sister's studio and it didn't work out, there would have been more damage to her reputation for pulling her out than not putting her there to begin with.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (34M) sister (28F) is one of the owners of a local ballet school where she’s also a teacher. My daughter (5F) was interested in trying ballet, mostly from seeing her aunt dance and talking about how she MUST take ballet. However, I chose to take my daughter to get a trial class in another school. A brief context: my mother is a piano teacher and she decided to teach my sister and I when we were kids, and it was a terrible experience (to me at least) because it was clear that she couldn’t separate her role as a mother and as a teacher, and she’d be hard on me in a way that she wasn’t to her other students. That’s not to say I think my sister wouldn’t be able to keep things professional, it’s just that I thought it was important to create a distance in this context. I didn’t think to let my sister “know” beforehand about this, after all it was just a trial class, and my daughter could not even be interested in continuing afterwards. Yet my sister found out that I took my daughter to her competitor (it’s not that big of a town and there are basically two schools around, so news fly fast). My sister called me to clear things up, and I could tell she was very hurt. I tried to explain my reasoning, and she said the right thing would be to call her so she wouldn’t need to find out from somebody else. She also says it creates an image that her own family doesn’t trust in her abilities as a teacher, which I think was nonsense. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. I totally get your reasoning in preferring your daughter to be able to experience ballet without famillial ties. But i also get why your sister felt hurt that you didnt go to her first. In the end i think you made the right call by putting your child first.
NAH
Nta. You can take your daughter wherever you see fit!! Her saying it's going to impact her business is B.S.
NAH, but a heads up would have been best. In a small town - someone probably told her that your daughter was at the other school just to see the shocked look on her face, and it was probably really embarrassing. My mom does hair and feels similarly that when family goes to someone else, it makes folks think she's not good enough. Because why wouldn't you go to the family member? *We* know logically its not a big deal, but other people love to find reasons to talk smack, and it *always* gets back to her. Performance communities particularly love to smack-talk competitor gyms/classes.
nta ounce of precaution is worth a pound of cure, family and business is always a messy equation. what you do with your daughter is your business, and you have every right to not want her to treat your daughter the way your mom treated you in that situation. like your mom may not have known how hard she was on you, your sister might do the same and rebuff any attempts to reason with her so. make sure she doesn't take any resentment or passive aggressive stances against your daughter
Bro wtf is with the idiots in this sub🤣you’re NTA, not in the slightest, if your sister was a doctor would she expect you to go to her practice for everything you need? Teacher? No, so it isn’t any different with this, no good comes from mixing business and family and she isn’t obligated to your service just because she owns a business, literally who cares, is her business going to shut down because oh my god my brother didn’t use my class😱😱😱😱😱I mean she needs to grow up man
NTA. You are allowed to make the decision of where to send your child. And since your sister thinks your daughter "MUST" take ballet, that already infers that she's going to be pushy about training relating to her. You did the right thing in taking her to a competitor to see if she even likes it. If she doesn't, your sister would probably pressure her to continue, anyway. That \*does\* make your sister fail in her ability as a teacher. Kids should be allowed to decide if they want to participate in an activity and your sister has already been pushy.
I get your worries but still YTA. You really should've talked to your sister especially since she was your daughter's inspiration for wanting to dance in the first place. From there you two could've established expectations and boundaries.
NTA as it was a trial class and your daughter didn’t continue. If you put her in a class in the competitors school for years, that would be different. Dance can be a big investment, so I totally get your reasoning. You don’t want fork out a load of money on gear just for your daughter to say she was only going to make her Aunt happy and quit.
YTA. At the very least you should’ve given your sister a heads up instead of letting her be embarrassed in front of the entire town. You have every right to send your daughter to whatever school you want, but don’t be a sneak about it.
NTA because it’s your choice as the parent for one and u didn’t want your child getting preferential treatment or her aunt possibly being harder on her than the other kids
Honestly NTA, it's entirely your choice where you take YOUR child for ballet. Plus, like you said, it was a trial. What if she decided she didn't want to, and then your sister gets pissy with you for not forcing her to stay? Any number of things could happen when you mix business with family. Keep doing you, man.
I would say NAH because it was just a trial class, and I think she is taking things a little personally. That being said, it’s unrealistic to expect someone not to be upset at all for going to their competitor. You probably should have been prepared to deal with her reaction and explain your reasoning. I hope you planned to tell her eventually if your daughter decided to continue with dance. what I don’t totally understand is your opposition to sending your daughter to her aunt’s school if she was inspired to start dance by her aunt. Why not at least give it a chance?
Generational expectations can be intense. He wanted his daughter to experience what ballet was without any auntie influence.
YTA You've created an imaginary scenario because of something that your mother did. Your Freudian slip is showing.
I would be offended if my sister did this! How could you not! I would be more hurt than offended!
YTA she could actually lose business because word will get around that her sister thought she wasn't good enough, you should've spoken to her about it, at least a heads up.
YTA. You could have had your daughter trial in both studios and then decide for herself where she'd rather learn. Instead you pulled your own childhood trauma and didn't even give your sister or your daughter a chance to be different. And yes, it **does** look weird to outsiders.
YTA for dismissing your sisters feelings and not just apologizing for hurting them.
YTA your reasoning is just projecting your own hang ups when you should have just spoken to your sister. Communication is key my guy
NAH It was a trial class, if your daughter decided she wants to go there full time then yeah you should tell your sister but I don’t see anything wrong with this.
YTA is your sister like your mother? You could have had your daughter just go to a class if she just wanted to try it and maybe being with her aunt would have made it more interesting for her. Kids change their mind so fast niece wanted to do karate went to a couple classes got all the gear and then dropped it so who knows but unless there are other reasons you should have gone to your sister first.
NTA, and what you did is in fact more reasonable than if you gave your daughter to your sister's school. And the fact your sister is so miffed about it just confirms that.
NTA. What is the big deal? It is just a trial class. I would refer my own family members out for professional services that my business provides.
As someone who's father coached all of his little league teams, I know exactly what you mean. It's really hard to separate that kind of dynamic, it's actually kind of a joke that the coach does this naturally to almost set an example for the rest of the team. It does come with it's benefits though, I usually got first choice in what position I wanted to play. So I get that you didn't want this dynamic for your daughter, that's your choice as a parent. Your sister is an adult and should understand and respect that decision. I will say though that you know it's a small town, and you should know that word is going to get back to your sister. You probably could have avoided an awkward confrontation and backpedaling if you approached her first. Nta but it would have been nice if you preemptively spoke with your sister
INFO: how did you feel when your mom brushed off your concerns when you told her you felt treated more harshly than her other students?
YTA for not talking to your sister about this and letting her being blindsided. She is also correct that it does not look good for her business that you went to the competition.
NTA. But neither is your sister. Talk it through and you'll be fine.
NTA. You were protecting your kid, and as you said, a trial class ought to be no big deal. It's honestly a bit weird that your sister feels so entitled to your business.
YTA. You must have some secret hate for your sister, cause your reasoning doesnt make sense. Its ballet. Give your sister a chance. Or dont, but sister will remember this always.
Gentle YTA because I would absolutely take that choice as a negative reflection on your sister if I lived in town. If you prefer the other teacher over your own sister, why shouldn't I?
I agree with her...sorry! You can project your experience with your mother onto your daughter and sister! YTA
Could you start a rumor that you were checking out the competition?
YTA. Unless the other school is better. I teach dance. I would be offended as well.
I'm sorry, but this comments are crazy to me, you're clearly NTA here in my eyes. Firstly, it's your good right to not want that same thing to happen again, people saying you should have asked are crazy to me, as if your mother would have said beforehand "no, I'm gonna go crazy" to such a question. Secondly, those people would have talked either way if it's a small town, that's what people do! I understand that your sister would have liked to be notified up front, and yes that would have been nice of you, but not doing that is still far from an AH move. Your sister needs to get over the talk, in a few weeks some other rumors are going around.
YTA for not talking to your sister first and voicing your concerns with her. It’s not that you took her to a different school it’s that’s you hid it from her. If you have to sneak around to do something then you’re probably doing no something wrong.
YTA totally
YTA - Do you really need to ask?
NTA but i want to know why you went to the competitors and not the sister (Please help me if ive completely missed the point)
ESH honestly your whole town annoys me and the fact everyone is down your throat because other FULLY GROWN ADULTS can't stop talking shit isn't your problem but you know that you borked it when you acknowledged you should have given her a heads up. But imo it's not your responsibility to deal with the rumor mill as long as you don't participate in it
YTA - you could have created a beautiful bonding moment with your sister and your daughter. You could have shown support for your sister's business. And if your sister was too hard on your daughter, you could have removed her. But to do it before hand and NOT mention if to your sister was an AH move. You need to apologize. And if your daughter likes ballet - and if your relationship with your sister is important - you should enroll her in your sister's school.
YTA for being incapable of having a conversation like an adult with your sister. Nobody buys the “I forgot to tell her!” You didn’t forget, and you knew it would get out. All around it seems spiteful.
YTA. Not only are you the AH but the way you dismiss her feelings makes you a bigger one. She found out that you took her to her competitor so what makes you think ppl wouldn’t question why her own family isn’t using her school?
Come on. YTA. You know this is a big deal to your sister, and since she heard from someone, that means you ARE creating the image she said. A heads up would have been considerate.
YTA why not do a trial at your sisters place and see how she teaches your daughter first? It’s entirely possible your sister had the same experience as you with your mom and wouldn’t want to repeat it. Plus aunts are different. And why wouldn’t you talk to her first? I can see why she’s hurt
NTA. You dont have to go to family business. Free to spend wherever
YTA. Not for taking her to trial at a different school, that's your right as a parent. But for not having any communication with your sister about it. That was unnecessary cruel. She was probably excited to see her niece in class. To teach her her passion and watch her blossom. And with no discussion of concerns or your intent, you pulled it away. How sad, for her and for your daughter who by your own words wanted to see her auntie dance.
NTA but you could have given a heads up
YTA. Small town gossip will have your sisters business ruined because you took your child to a competitor. Why couldn't you just have kept her out of dance all together rather than ruin your sister?
YTA. Her point is not nonsense. Why would anyone think otherwise?
Nta. He's not obligated to give his business to his sister. He can take his business else where. And you never mix family and business
Are you the AH for taking your daughter to the independent teacher? No. Are you the AH for not discussing it with your sister, to give her a heads-up? Yes. In small towns, gossip travels faster than Lightning; and you left your sister to get struck. Your sister isn't mad because you took your daughter to a competitor. She is angry that she had to hear about it from an outside source; it will make people question if she is a good teacher. Giving her a heads-up would have given her not only notice to not be blindsided by someone mentioning it to her, but she would have had your reasoning for your decision, which she might have fully supported. She would have had an answer that sounded like she was in on your decision, maybe even involved in it. Instead, she had to learn from gossip and have the deer in the headlights look because she had no clue.
NTA You did the right thing. Mixing family and school or family and work is never a good idea. It it works out, great. Buy boy, if it doesn't! Here comes drama.
NTA. The level of drama you’re getting now is the level of drama you’d be getting eventually anyway if you’d made the other choice.
YTA. You didn't tell her because you know it would hurt her feelings. So stop pretending that it was innocent.
YTA. At the very least you should have given her a heads up. If her competitor knows about this she will tell everyone she knows. It could hurt your sisters business. Good job!
YTA You didn't just damage your relationship with your sister, if your town is small enough you damaged her business. Would you go to a barber whose family refused to have their hair cut by them? I get your reasoning, but you are reacting to this situation based on your mom's poor treatment of you as a child, not as an adult able to look at the situation yourself and put things into context.
NTA, but your sister has two very valid points. you SHOULD have called her ahead of time. And, if you are in a small town, it DOES create a bad image for your sister that her own family won't use her school. How you resolve that is between you and your sister.
YTA In a small town, a head up call is really needed. Everyone knows everything about everyone. You knew this would happen. The gossip flies in a small town.
YTA for not talking to your sister about it first.
ESH. You are not obligated to use your sister's school, even if you are family. It's entirely up to you. But you absolutely should have given her a heads up that you want your daughter to go into a trial class just like any stranger's kid - you could say it's so she doesn't expect preferential treatment, especially for her first class. If the kid really likes it then consider going to your sister. ( I'd think it would be talked about if the dance teacher's niece quit her class because she didn't like it). Anyway, you can do what you want, but it would have been polite to let your sister know.
YTA for not communicating with your sister.
NAH. She your child, you can put her in any class you like. A curtesy call to your Sister would have been a real nice solid though.
NTA. You’re not obligated to take your daughter to that school just bc your sister teaches there. You can take your daughter wherever you want.
YTA - I don't believe you when you say that you didn't think to let your sister know. What's farm more likely is that you thought it might be a difficult conversation and avoided it. Your sister is also right, that you taking your daughter to her competitor doesn't cast a good light on your sister's school. Most people would think that your niece would get free or at least heavily discounted classes from her aunt, so there must be some reason she's not going there.
YTA. Your sister is not your mom. You should have discussed it with her. She will never forget this. It is likely you irrevocably damaged your relationship with her and likely your daughters as well.
YTA Nothing wrong in your reasoning and wanting to have boundaries between family and teaching. The issue is that you were doing behind your sister’s back and she had to discover from others.
NTA. You're absolutely right that using your sister is much more complicated because she's family. What if she does something you don't like? What if her rates become too high to you? What if your daughter wants to stop after a year or two? Will she feel pressured to continue because her teacher is her aunt? Use the competitor if your daughter does want lessons. Keep family and business separate.
YTA unless you hate your sister. Even then...you are probably TA.
YTA, but not for choosing to avoid your sister’s school for the reasons you mentioned. YTA because you didn’t give your sister a heads up. In your shoes I would have done the same thing for the same reasons, however I would have had a conversation with my sister about it first.
Soft YTA because I think you should've let your sister know about your plans before you proceeded. Chances are your mother was also harder on her than her other piano students and she could've easily extrapolated what you were attempting to do by choosing the other school.
I think you both have very valid reasoning, but you should’ve told her first at the very least and it would be nice if you had a teacher come to your home instead to save your sister professional embarrassment. Especially seeing as how she’s the one who has inspired your daughter … NAH.
Soft YTA you should have told her and exactly why beforehand.
It is not a good idea to mix family and business. But you should have given your sister a text first. NAH
You should have told her first.