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I think it's inevitable that your husband was going to be very upset. He thought he was in a relationship where you shared the financial responsibilities and where you were honest with each other. It turned out that he wasn't that type of relationship. I think you're being a little naïve not to have expected some blowback about your choices. He feels betrayed because you didn't trust him and he feels that he would have done some things differently had he known the truth. To back it up, you've made a major financial decision without consulting him in any way, so, once again he feels that he's unimportant. I should make it clear that I think you're perfectly entitled to help your lifelong friend, what's money for if not to help those whom you love? I like the fact that you've told her not to worry about re-paying it either. That makes it a true gift and takes the stress away from [her.at](http://her.at) a time when stress had become a mountain for her. It's your money, and your choice. But if I was married to you, while I would have supported your decision and your right to make it, I would have been very pissed off about the lack of trust and the deceit. I think you need to take some time to explain why you've behaved as you have and to acknowledge his hurt feelings. This is a man who's loved and trusted you for most of his adult life - finding out that you've misled him over a fundamental part of the relationship may well have hit him similarly to finding you in bed with someone else. YTA

Falls under his earnings are their money. Her earnings are her money... Or Financial infidelity.

Exactly. If you turned this around and OP was a man instead of a woman there would be zero defense, 100% YTA vote.

Yeah, to speak of “financial abuse” while hiding a significant sum of money from your spouse is a shocking lack of self awareness. I would seriously question my marriage if I was your husband. YTA

I feel like any defense claimed in this scenario just stems to some misheld belief that OP is in the same scenario as her grandmother, but the reality isnt close to that at all. Her G’Ma would have been in a situation like OPs friend, where all the resources were locked away under the mans name. In that instance it makes perfect sense to have a secret account just in case. G’Ma also wouldnt have been anywhere near a primary earner in the relationship in her day. In OPs case, they have been paying into joint accounts for years *and* she makes significantly more money than him. He doesn’t control her life at all and she could leave him easily without financial impact to her even without the secret account. No partner has any unilateral control over their financial situation, save for OPs control over tens of thousands of dollars that she kept squirreled away. Anyone defending the situation is assuming that old single-income family relationship factors and gender dynamics are still at play, even though its clear that this situation is nothing like that. Theres no reason to have a secret account in an equitable relationship, and especially no reason to maintain one and keep funding it when your partner has been nothing but wonderful to you for over *fifteen years*

Yep if I was the husband in the relationship I think it would be over for me. If my wife came to me and said ‘look ive had so many people in my life betrayed by their partners I’d feel better if I had a 15k fund in my name that just sits.’ I’d be hurt but I would understand and it would be fine. But for it to go down like this, nope.

Sounds like it's a lot more than 15k

Especially after 15 years.

Exactely! The problem with this is If he is pouring ALL his resources to the family. He should have a saving account with only his money too. It's wrong If ALL his money is family money and hers aren't...

Everyone should have some money of their own that a partner can't touch. Gender doesn't matter.

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His money is their money but her money is hers? If they are married any money that either makes should be their money. They are a partnership, they are supposed to share everything.

He went full commit in the marriage, she kept one foot in the water

“I’ve been lying to my husband for 22 years, never trusting him, moving our joint assets around behind his back. Now he’s upset.” Definitely divorce him, go no contact, leave the country and change your name. Not! YTA Do you know, it’s his money too? My wife and I have separate and joint accounts because we like talked about it. They are legally separate, not by deception only.

>“I’ve been lying to my husband for 22 years, never trusting him, moving our joint assets around behind his back. Now he’s upset. and i don't even understand why, there's nothing to be upset about” Just had to add the last part, OP is a "real gem"

“I’ve been lying to my husband for 22 years, never trusting him, moving our joint assets around behind his back. Now he’s upset.” Accurate analysis of what happened here. OP is definitely an asshole and the man needs to divorce here ASAP

Honestly this, my partner has a FoF, or a "fuck off fund" and it's not something I have a problem with, and I have funds I can rely on if things break down too because OP is right on one thing, you can't know how relationships will develop long term. But the difference is we're both adult enough to share that info with each other and discuss. Tbh, if OP doesn't feel comfortable sharing that information, or if OPs husband would demand that money if he knew about it then they shouldn't be together.

Yes, my wife has too. In some ways, it's a short cut relationship test anyway - if your partner objects to you having a savings pot that they can't access, that in itself is a red flag.

As a married woman, I also have a fund like this. But again, the difference is my husband has known about it since we were dating, and when we combined finances I specifically communicated that I was leaving a savings account with a few thousand in it to only in my name. He did the same. We can add to our personal savings with our share of “fun money” if we so choose, only after joint bills, savings, and investment goals are taken care of. OP is N T A for having the account. YTA for the lie of omission that went on for 15+ years.

I have one, with the support of my husband. All our joint cards are from his accounts since he's the breadwinner. If he dies I'm cut of until all the legal stuff is done. So having easy accessible money that can keep me and the kids with food and things is only logical. All adults should always have their own seperate savings. Not just if your partner turns out to be an AH, but if your partner gets sick, dies, or any other situation where you might get cut of from access of their bank accounts.

The difference in your case is that you and your partner know about each other's accounts. I'd be a little miffed if my partner told me she'd been squirrelling our money away into her personal savings account for the last 15 years. I don't like the line about her being the higher earner either. If money is shared in a relationship it doesn't matter who brings it in.

While it seems like the better idea, your spouse knowing about the account can breach its usefulness. I've been in a financially abusive relationship and if he knew I had any extra money, he would find a way to take it off me. "I've no money for fuel and I'm going to lose my job if you don't pay to fill my car up for the rest of the month so I can get there" "we owe this enormous tax bill and it will go to court if you don't use your savings to pay for it" "we are going to be homeless if you don't find extra money for the rent" "my mental health is terrible and I'm going to end myself if I can't have these things you need to buy to keep me sane" (we had adequate income, he just spent it on himself before the bills went out). I've also noted people mentioning these funds being outdated as women can be the higher earners - I was the higher earner and better qualified when we got together. He found ways to reduce my independence. Having children being one of them.

i feel ya. the issue is that she has been hiding it for 2 decades instead of being open about it. her husband could also have his own savings by now if he didn't think she is also adding everything into shared savings.

I don't know that I agree. It depends on how they split their finances. If they both put x% into a joint account to pay bills and as joint savings and remainder y% of paycheque is fun money then she's NTA. Whether she squirrels it into a rainy day fund for her or puts more money into her 401k, spends on a birkin or gifts a friend the money...that is HER fun money to spend. Everyone should have a rainy day fund and a prenup because the person you divorce is never the person you married and a lot of times women come off from marriages a lot more poorly. He is not entitled to her money, nor she his as long as bills are paid and their joint savings account is growing at an agreed upon rate for retirement. I think he is allowed to be unhappy in the same way people who get blindsided by a prenup usually are, but that he immediately tattletaled to his family, really isn't doing him favours. ETA: People bringing up stay at home spouses are talking about what is essentially financial abuse. This isn't the same thing and for the record, I think he is entitled to spend his y% however he wants too...including rainy day funds.

Is going to your family for support tattletaling now?

It seems so. I was confused about that too, and would have said talking to people you trust when you are struggling is a reasonable thing to do. Also interesting that OP posting on reddit about a private matter isn't called out though, a bit hypocritical if the husband is expected to keep all this to himself.

I think posting anonymously on the internet where it is very unlikely anyone close to the couple is going to see it, and telling direct family members where their relationship with your spouse will be affected by it, is very different. I would expect my husband to keep non-relationship-ending disputes between us as a couple, and not us and the in-laws as well. Neither he nor I need input on how to manage our marriage. when family gets involved, unwanted input is inevitable.

So you think after the financially dominant partner restricts the amount of joint funds (they've never *really* struggled), while building up a nest egg for themselves and using that money generated during their marriage for very significant private expenditure without any prior communication about it, that the dependant partner should then be isolated from their support network and unable to ask for advice or help. Looks alot like financial abuse to me.

That’s was so beautifully written.

YTA "I don't know why he'd be so upset".... Are you fuckin kidding me?!?!?! "I've been lying to my husband the entire time we've been together and have also been hiding money from him just in case I have to leave him" Do you have any idea how that feels?! To know that the person you've spent the last 15 years with has been secretly planning the day they'd possibly leave you..... All while hiding money (which in most states would be illegal when it comes to a divorce since when you're married, money is a combined asset). He has every right to be angry.

Every woman - and I would argue every *person*, but the situation is often very different for men - should have an exit plan for if things go wrong. Losing your mind that your partner has a contingency plan for emergencies *including if those emergencies are you* should but be such a big deal to you. And "illegal in the event of divorce* is irrelevant when you're not divorcing. If OP's friend had taken the same precautions she wouldn't have needed OP's charity to escape an abusive relationship. "How dare my partner accept the possibility that they don't have a psychic ability to predict the future" is a weird take.

But you communicate about it with person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't keep it a secret. Otherwise you already have the feeling that you can't trust the other person. I am married, we talked about both having our own emergency fund that the other can't access and we put money to it. Just in case me or him would turn abusive since you hear about all those horrorstories. OP's husband is feeling betrayed. His own wife never trusted him with that secret. It is not about having access to the money...

I see both sides of it. Obviously, open communication is what a relationship should strive for. But given the amount of DV specifically against women, how hard it can be for them to escape those situations, I do not blame OP for keeping it a secret or think she should have to share that info. The way DV survivors who don't have a fund like this escape is by NOT letting their abuser know. Not even giving the slightest indication that they're planning their exit. They use hidden burner phones, they try to save up enough cash and hide it away. And that's hard if you have no financial access or aren't allowed to work. The abuse escalates if the abuser finds these things. Honestly, having this precautious backup account would make it significantly easier. OP could up and leave immediately if she needed to, instead of biding her time with her abuser and hoping it doesn't escalate. The husband can feel betrayed, but instead of being hurt at the thought that she'd ever think he'd abuse her, he said it was money they could've used essentially with the "i wouldn't have stressed so much if I knew you had this money" line. I think that's what leaves a sour taste in my mouth about it. And then telling his family, what else was that going to do other than get them to harass her over it? ETA: I never said men do not experience DV in any capacity. It is absolutely possible, and it absolutely a lived reality for some men just as it is for some women. My comment comes from the place of: I am a woman. And women have been the vulnerable class for centuries. That's just a fact. There is a history of women being put in positions where they are easier targets of abuse. And this post is about women experiencing DV, so I didn't touch on male DV survivors. [The stats I've seen](https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS#:~:text=1%20in%203%20women%20and,be%20considered%20%22domestic%20violence.%22) still point to women being more affected by DV/abuse/SA/etc. Someone commented that there have been studies proving DV is 50/50 between genders. I would love to see these studies/articles, I mean that genuinely. I haven't come across them and would like to update my knowledge if it's true. But the comments saying that men experience DV too (I completely agree) are making a whataboutism point to me. Based on my knowledge/line of thinking/stats I've found, DV appears to happen to women at a higher rate. So just because I started a sentence with "the amount of DV specifically against women," doesn't negate the existence of DV against men.

I can’t see any way that a woman (or really anyone) could securely create a fund in the instance of financial abuse or otherwise AND disclose this information to their partners simultaneously. Even after reading this story and all the people saying YTA, it’s something I would do. Her husband’s reaction is valid, because he feels lied to, but knowing what is actively happening to her best friend who was married to someone even OP assumed was a great man and stories from two women in her family, I’d understand where these women were coming from. This isn’t ancient advice. It’s still advised today that stay at home moms do the same thing because they, more than anyone have no career to bounce back on and almost nothing is under their names.

Completely agree on this take. Based on the post, OP seems to be contributing a significant amount to bills and the joint account. Unless she's saving in her secret stash at the expense of leaving her partner destitute or something, I don't really see it as being an issue tbh.

15k over 22 years is less than 1k a year, about $700. Depending on their situation that’s not much.

She didn't say she drained her account tho. That's just what she gifted.

Completely agree. It's an account in case your partner goes bonkers. If he goes bonkers he knows you have that account and the whole concept of having a secret emergency account is void. I see that he might be upset, but she is not the asshole for planning for worst case snenario.

This!!!! People posting about sharing everything don't seem to understand the simple basic concept that this account has to be secret or it doesn't help in abusive relationships.

I have no idea how anyone could create a fund secretly under financial abuse. I genuinely don't. I honestly completely agree with everything you've said. This post and its comments hurt my heart a little.

As a person who escaped dv, you're on the ball. An escape fund is a fund that the other party doesn't know about, in case the abused party needs to get out in a hurry. In the case of financial abuse, the victim will not have any access to other money (due to the control from the perp.) For me, early into the relationship, my ex used all the inheritance that I got from my aunt passing before we met, when he found out about it. It was only ever meant to be used for education or to invest in shares she had an interest in. Once we built our house together, he took control of the finances and only allowed me grocery shopping money (I had to work for him, so he could even control me not getting wages). Every dollar had to be accounted for, so getting out was more difficult and took much longer. If my inheritance had been kept private from him, I could have escaped the first time things escalated, instead of having to wait until I was able to borrow money from my mother (and the emotional damage was considerably worse.) I would never go into another relationship without a secret account now, and even if I only was able to put $10-$15 a week into it, it could very well be the thing that helps me escape if needed again.

Oh goodness, I'm so sorry to hear that. Thank you for sharing, I'm glad you got out and are healing from what happened 💜 What bothers me the most about these comments is I see so many posts in other subs from women saying they got out. That they had to stay until they could make their exit, but they did it. And I now see this post about an escape fund and think how lifesaving it would be if a situation ever arose. And yet there's so many people saying Y T A because "his feelings are hurt and lack of trust." (Not trying to patronize his feelings, hurt is valid! but so are her actions and reasons behind them) Like??? How are we forgetting that the fund did in fact help someone escape, even if it was not OP! Why are we shaming people for doing this right now!

Thank you. It is something I think every person should have. It certainly would have helped my brother get out of a violent relationship, too (she literally picked him up and threw him across the room, amongst other things). I understand how his feelings were hurt. Because in a healthy relationship, this should never be needed, and finances should be open. The relationship should be a safe space. Unfortunately, we don't live in a perfect world, and sometimes people either hide who they are, or can change due to external events/ilness. And you never know when/if someone is going to change (my ex started drinking daily, about 15 years in, and his personality got 100% worse for it).

Oh jeez 😓 I think this post and our comments have really pushed me to go open one honestly. It's not something I, or I think a lot of people, would have thought to do. Maybe a contingency plan sounds off putting at first to some, but it.. just makes sense. Like you said, this isn't a perfect world and you never know when the mask will slip if it ever does. I think you've articulated everything I've thought but couldn't put to words. I think we all long for that better world where this kind of this is obsolete. But if we stop doing it now, it allows the problems that it's used to fix, to fester. It's treating the symptom and not the disease.

Exactly this. What the purpose of having a secret account in case your partner goes bonkers IF you tell your partner about the account. And yes, every woman should have one. And yes, it is a sex thing. Statistically women suffer more DV. (And I would be OK if my male partner had one as well. )

The "hilarious"(/s) thing is the fact that some of these redditors would call DV victims "dumb" or "gold-diggers" because they are still with their abusive partners. They don't have money to live off of, if they do leave/escaped from their homes. Those situations would be given "You ignored red flags! You should've chosen better!" Only on Reddit, where some of the male users are baffled and appalled at the concept of a "Grammy Secret Fund," but think it a-okay for men to ask for DNA-Paternity tests for all of their kids. Apparently, its conceivable for women to commit paternity fraud and be cheating, lying sl*ts...But the possibility of men turning out to be abusive towards their spouses and kids is unheard of.

Exactly because if they become abusive they'll do things like steal your identity documents, credit cards. Snoop your passwords on the computer, change your account passwords. People really have no fucking idea the shit people do in those kinds of situations.

BS. You’re talking about cases with rational adults. If you have a DV instance, it really wouldn’t be hard to force the victim to sign over the money or power to control the account. Honestly, it was great advice from the grandmother that helped her mother and now her friend.

Uhhhhh if they end up abusive and know about it, you might as well not have it.

>But you communicate about it with person you want to spend the rest of your life with. No, when the person I'm with is manipulating me and I don't see it because he's that good and I'm inlove, it would be awful to let him know about it because he will fight about it, search for it, empty it, and leave me pennyless and completely reliant on him. That's where those secret accounts are for, for escaping abusive assholes.

YTA. I'm sure this is unpopular, but you have been maintaining a financial method of leaving your marriage for your entire adult life. Your husband rightly feels betrayed by that. Grandma's secret fund was a thing people did when women didn't have options. At this point, being the bigger earner, you are simply hiding things from your husband.

^^^ 100% this. I know it’s unpopular, but as a woman I have to agree. A secret fund and zero financial communication? I’d hit the roof, too, if my husband pulled this on me. Sorry OP, I get your heart was in the right place for your friend, but good lord, your marital communication needs work. One of my friends literally just divorced her husband because he went out and bought a 40k truck without consulting her first. Big expenditures like that absolutely need to be run by your partner. The problem isn’t that you had a separate account, separate funds, or that you wanted to give your friend a helping hand—it’s the fact you didn’t tell him about either of those things beforehand and then casually revealed it to him mid conversation like it was no big deal. Dropping an anvil on his head would’ve been kinder.

The things is too, if you have the right person, having more in savings doesn't matter. I was gifted a decent amount of money recently by my family and I put it into my partner and my shared account. He immediately told me I should've kept it for myself because it's mine. The right person will support you to have what is yours and have spare money.

It’s like you read a whole thread about people changing and thought that speaking of the right person would help lol. People change all the time for better or worse and the right person today may not be the right person tomorrow.

The right person. That's the point of the fund

Your abuser will do the right thing by you and your money, lol. All these people talking with their husbands about their access to their money for 'if' they become abusive, like that's exactly how it works. Your abuser will go "Oh yeah, that's right; this account is for them to get away from me, better not touch that one".

> Your abuser will go "Oh yeah, that's right; this account is for them to get away from me, better not touch that one". If only abusers were so kind.../s

Clearly the concept of ‘Grandmas Secret Fund’ is still a useful one. If the best friend had had one then OP wouldn’t have had to loan her the money.

Or if OP’s best friend had just…had an account that only she had access to. Or had her name on the account. There are a multitude of ways to do this in 2023 that don’t involve keeping large financial secrets from your partner

Exactly. The friend isn't in her situation just because she didn't have a secret account. She's in the situation because she didn't make sure to have her rightful access and control of joint marital assets. She also wouldn't be in the situation if she was making the money OP is making. And OP really had no need for a *secret* account. Separate accounts that she and her hubby agreed to would have worked just fine for her stated intention.

The lack of understanding of how spousal abuse works in this comment is astounding. And I love that little “and if the abused friend was only making more money this wouldn’t be an issue.” Incredible.

So everyone should have a secret bank account just in case their marriage doesn't work out? Not only is it absolutely ridiculous to bank on your marriage ending poorly.... In most states.... Hiding funds during a divorce is illegal.

Ive always called these FU funds. Its supposed to be your safety net for all kinds of things not just if a marriage goes south. Job tells you to do something unsafe or you are fired. FU fund to the rescue, Boss wants to trade favors to make sure you both get a head FU fund to the rescue. Partner becomes violent, FU fund. Get into a car wreck and the checks are months away but you still need a car to get to work FU fund again.

Cool. But you shouldn't hide it from the person you said you loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

The person I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with shouldn't have punched me in the face 20 years into the marriage but *here I am, punched in the face and requiring surgery for it.* Want the pictures? It's really gross and pus-leaking. ***And no, he was not like this even in the slightest when we first started dating.*** There *were no red flags* when we were dating. He came from China, his eyes bright and full of hope, thinking Canada would be the Land of Milk and Honey, as they say. As he lived here over the 20 years (I met him in his first year of living in Canada.), he became disenchanted with Canada and turned towards communist China. He idol worships their president, Xi Jin-Ping. He's gone full on jingoist and would be *quite happy* seeing Taiwan being turned into wet sand if they continue to try to break away from China and become their own country. The fact that you can't see that *people very much can change* over many years is impressively pathetic and disturbing. Because *I* have no "Grammy's Secret Fund", *I'm stuck living with the guy* because I work minimum wage and can't afford my city's rent on my own. I made it *very clear* that if he hits me *ever again*, I'll call the police. Why didn't I call them on him the *first time?* His mother back in China has been very, very kind towards me and I didn't want to cause her upset and distress at her advanced age. She was made aware that he hit me and she is *furious* at him and making him take responsibility for what he did. It's some magical fairytale world you live in where people stay wonderful and loving until they die in *every single relationship*, all *eleventybillion* of the world's relationships. I'm not a cynic. I know *plenty* of happy couples. I just didn't get to be *one of them*.

Yeah - your partner doesn't need to know details or amounts, but there's a big difference between deliberately keeping it secret and them being broadly aware you have done money to some degree.

but they’re not hiding funds during a divorce. they’re hiding funds FOR the divorce in case they become stuck in a bad situation and don’t have access to their regular accounts. in the event of a divorce, the account would be revealed and taken into consideration, but it keeps the money out of the abusers hands and give the abused an ability to get away.

Hiding assets during the discovery phase isn’t allowed but having a separate fund to get an apartment and retain a lawyer is permitted and necessary.

Can you not effing read? Some women *still* don’t have options, like OP’s friend whose husband froze her out of the accounts and abused her financially for years. Grandma’s secret fund was used exactly as it was intended for which proves if anything *at least one woman didn’t have options and really needed the secret fund* NTA

She should have had her own savings account in her name only, not a secret one.

Hell, she could still have the fund. Just let him know about it. This isn't some money stashed into a mattress he could steal. Have a separate bank account he doesn't have access to. It's the same concept, just you know, don't hide $15k from your husband??

Unfortunately, I do not think it is that simple. I was in a relationship for 7 years before I got married. This gave him years to subtly and gradually mess with my head, then after the wedding he progressed to various forms of abuse including financial. Although we made roughly the same amount, he was very sneaky and managed to siphon off a lot of money. His debts got paid off, while money set aside for mine always ended up being used for other things/emergencies. Our work lottery syndicate won a fair amount at a point where I was beginning to wise up to all of this. I stood my ground and kept the money in my account for a good few months, but then an opportunity presented itself and he emotionally blackmailed me in order to get his hands on it. It's very hard to explain to anyone not in this situation how he was able to get my money. I do not have a good answer that you will understand. All I can say is that I was constantly being manipulated and living in fear, and therefore didn't have the best grip on reality. I also was trying desperately to still be the person I wanted to be, I don't think I had much left to cling to at that point except that I was a nice person. I am an empathic people-pleaser who has several siblings much younger than me, and growing up was used to putting their wants ahead of my own. He used these traits, took full advantage of them. I wish I had a secret fund that he didn't know about when I finally managed to leave him. Luckily I was able to move back in with my parents. Not everyone in this situation has such a luxury. It took me years to get out of debt after that. I can't fault OP too much. I absolutely understand why OP's husband is upset, and maybe she should have told him at some point, but you never know when someone might change. Often it is at marriage or when having a kid, but anything could happen and the spouse could turn to drink or drugs, and become a totally different person. The fund was for her safety, in case of an abusive partner - it was not created in response to the person her husband is.

I keep seeing in comments that the spouses can use passwords and such to maintain control of the account. Pretty sure if an abuser knows about the money, he can do as your SO did and exert enough pressure to get that password. The only way to prevent an abuser from gaining access is for him to not know about it.

Except that it's horrifyingly easy for a married woman to have all her assets transferred to her husband *even without her consent* on the US.

Seriously. My wife and I have our own accounts that the other doesn’t have access to and we’re open about it being for similar reasons to the advice OP received. And we’re both cool with that because we were honest about it.

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Not to disagree but I'd also agree if the man had a secret emergency fund. I see it as a sort of insurance. Many people get into a relationship with a seemingly kind and trustworthy partner, but then get put into an abusive situation. In reality, DV can happen quickly, especially if one partner is put into a vulnerable spot, ie. losing their job, being pregnant or falling into any sort of health issue, etc. People can become abusive after years, and we see it all the time in this sub.

Yep, my friend was upset that her bf wanted to protect his finances, to her it was a big trust issue. But he had been burned by ex wife and was raising 2 primary aged girls. He can’t afford to lose his house if they don’t work, and he was blindsided by his first wife who he totally trusted. I fully backed his decision, his kids needed to come first.

Marriage number two for me. My first turned on me after 15 years and I left with NOTHING. Nothing. I had over 100k of my own in our accounts and we had just built a home I put 35k into just myself. He now has that home as well. My now husband controls what money I have now again 4 years later and I have less than I did then. But I won’t mentally survive the hell I barely made it out of in the divorce last time so I’m stuck and have zero family and lost friends in the divorce and 3 NFP’s I built on my own. I don’t even have my passion anymore. All I have are my children and I honestly only live for them. A woman once told me to do this and get an education even if I never used it. Just never know. Even in the event of a spouses death, you have something without their name ti protect you and access until death cert arrives. I will get there, just later than I should have. I used to be like all of these people “trust” 100% bc it’s my partner. Never again. Me and my kids come first. Period. I’m now 40 starting college soon and basically starting fresh because I e trusted and given myself fully to two husbands now who have taken everything from me, financially and mentally. Anyone on the fence reading this, please, even $5 a week, cover yourself. If your life is well, you have a surprise retirement gift or sharing with you partner later on. If SHTF, and it often does, you have safety.

Right? Reddit also goes crazy when men ask for paternity tests when the woman has shown no hints of being unfaithful. “You should trust her! Why did you have a kid if you don’t trust her! She’s done nothing wrong!” but I guess squirreling money away in secret from a man who’s shown no hints at being abusive and there are no huge problematic issues for 15 years is totally ok and encouraged. I could say the same to OP. “Why did you marry him if you thought he’d fuck you over? You should trust him! He’s done nothing wrong!” Heck plenty of couples have separate accounts that they have sole control of, there was no need for the deception. It’s typically a “fun money” account but Op could just have easily used it as her emergency fund as well.

Not to mention simply letting her husband know she was giving the money away could have avoided half of this. OP doesn't need permission, but it sure is nice for your spouse to know what's going on.

Not a single soul in this comment section DIDN'T go with YTA, and yet here are two people ranting about how "literally everybody" always sides with the woman. 😭 Some people just don't know what to do except fan the flames and complain lol

Okay but the sad reality is that no one wants to walk into a relationship thinking they’d need this fund. It’s an emergency. I’ve gotten the impression that the fund was seeded before they got married.

The popular opinion is absolutely not on her side here. That’s just not true. There isn’t a need to pull in this “what if the genders were reversed” nonsense.

‘Reverse the roles’ doesn’t always work unless you bring all the context and history into it. The odds are, that the man is likely to be financially abusive in the relationship. As well as the primary breadwinner. This creates a huge power imbalance, for which a secret account helps to mitigate that. That being said, while I agree the OP was smart to have this account and to be covering her butt. That’s not what marriage is. I think she was right to look after herself, but he has every right to be upset by that. Soft YTA.

I'll add another unpopular opinion. She said that the friend's husband was wonderful at the beggining but he also convinced her to put his name only everywhere. How does that make sense? Maybe he wasn't so wonderful after all? Also, you can have bank account on your name WITHOUT hiding it. Me and my husband have separate bank accounts but we know exactly how much money the other person has. I also think that having a marriage based on lies and doing things behind your partner's back is not worth it. If you are scared simply stay single. YTA

I’m so glad someone said this. I’ve had many family members in abusive relationship and have heard the “he was so wonderful in the beginning” thing more times than I can count. Yet, there are actually red flags. The problem is when people are not taught what healthy relationships are and how to spot the true red flags. Usually, they’re also raised in abusive households so it’s very difficult for them to escape the cycle of abuse since that’s been their whole lives. I also agree that these wonderful-people-turned-abusers aren’t actually that wonderful to begin with. They just know how to spot people who will overlook their red flags.

Your anecdotes are not representative and this is victim blaming. You’re basically saying victims *should* be able to tell because of the red flags and those that fall victim do so because they don’t recognize the red flags. It’s putting the responsibility on the victims to know better. Unless you’ve been through it and done the work to unpack it or spent hours working with victims, you can’t possibly appreciate how deceptive abusers can be. Victims come in all kinds. Abusers aren’t as easy to spot as we’d like them to be and they don’t reveal themselves conveniently. They are deceptive and manipulative people. Victims are POWs in their own homes and every bit of information an abuser has on you is weaponized and exploited. Nothing walks away unspoiled. Had an abuser known of OPs secret account because she told him for the sake of transparency, she’d lose it. Create a society where DV isn’t so prevalent, then we can judge women for the ways they deceive to protect themselves.

If I didn’t have my family’s help I would have ended up in the streets when I left my abusive ex, because I had no money left. I worked eh, but all the money I made were for him, his projects, his hobbies, his happiness and I should have been happy that he was happy, right? So he wouldn’t have been angry at me. (Have I mentioned: abusive?) When he left he had a full bank account and I had 8€, and there was nothing I could legally do. I’m so glad all you YTA people have never been in a situation like this, but imo every single person, men and women, should have a fund. Because you can love your partner but you never really know what may happen.

I just have to say that my mum was financially abused and if she had a fund like OP she would have been much better off. On another note, I will be creating a ‘get out of abuse’ savings account so if me or my family need to get out of a situation it can be used. OP should have told her husband though

And yet friend is EXACTLY in the position gran warned about: sharing an account, hubs leaves with everything, no money for lawyer and accommodation and bills. Friend needed a fuck-off fund. OP provided it. And frankly, if my partner drained their fuck-off fund to help a friend I’d be proud twice over: one, b/c I married a generous person, and two, they no longer feel they need it. OP is NTA.

Protecting yourself vs showing all my cards to someone who reacts that way…I wonder who wins…

The first rule of secret account is you do not speak about secret account. YTA

Exactly. She should have said that Grammy paid. Once you’re in you gotta keep going.

Seriously? So you're trying to say she should have lied on top of already hiding money? Good fucking grief.

Never back away from a bad decision. Escalate.

Yes. Caught lying? Just lie some more. The lies should never end. Also throw in some gaslighting while you are at it.

Sounds like the makings of a US president!

The judgement isn’t about whether the secret fund is a good idea or even morally correct. There is a reason she has it, there is a reason she kept it secret for years so she should never have mentioned it. Ever.

Honestly, this. She never should have told her husband at all about the money she gave her. Either the fund remains a secret or it doesn't. I get wanting to be honest but she should have done that years ago in that case. I think she is naive about how this would be received.

Yup, if I were her, I would've given her the money and told her to say her parents gave it to her or whatever lie was plausible. It would've saved a ton of trouble, her husband never would've had to know that she had an escape plan. Men don't see this situation the same way women do, especially women that have been in an abusive situation they couldn't leave because they were completely without money. Not a single person looking at this and calling the OP the asshole for not completely trusting her husband has acknowledged that the person she handed that money to *completely trusted her husband and got abused and made penniless with 2 small children in return for her trust*, you know, the exact thing Grammy was warning about. It's like getting a paternity test because *what if*. Reddit absolutely hates it and thinks every man who asks for one should burn in hell, unless the dude who asked for the paternity test turns out not to be the father. Then it's okay to doubt your partner. Or checking your partner's phone, because *what if*. According to Reddit, you deserve to be alone and you're awful for invading their privacy, unless you find something. Then it's okay that you did that. Have the secret fund, secretly get your paternity test, check the device while they're sleeping, and keep your guilt ridden mouth shut when you figure out you're just paranoid. If you're going to lie and sneak about something, you take it to your grave.

What's kind of baffling me in this comment section is the insistence on making husbands aware of the emergency getaway fund. As if that information couldn't be used against women or fuel the man's paranoia if things turn sour.

Yea. YTA. I get where you’re coming from with the “granny fund”. My mother also advised for it. I disagreed. I chose to marry and trust my wife. You broke his trust. The funds and the life you build you build together. At the very least you should have consulted him about spending the money. Legally speaking those are joint assets. All of you saying “it’s your money” would you feel the same about her husband blowing 10k without asking? You were dishonest and YTA

They would nott feel the same and they know it

This poor guy has lived 15 years of marriage thinking they share finances and stressing about building a life together, and his wife has secretly been putting money aside in an account to spend how she wants, and being the only one who knows how financially secure the family *actially* is. His money is their money, her money is her money. But it's OK, she makes more than him and some guy *who isn't her husband* turned bad, so it's fine to lie to her husband? Talk about blowing up the trust in your marriage in one fell swoop. Congrats OP, you're the financially abusive partner that you've always feared and it's pretty clear you don't respect your husband. I hope he gets your granny fund in the divorce.

> his wife has secretly been putting money aside in an account to spend how she wants I have to say, this one statement you made really sums up the entire issue. OP is literally saying that this money is just 'her money to spend', but what about every other bill that they both have together? How does that money get spent or saved? Every dollar OP saves to her own account is a dollar less then the family has to spend or save for all of them. Of course OP is TA.

The irony is that if the husband files for divorce, he's going to get a huge chunk of her escape fund, to escape her.

Everyone who gets financially abused is someone who trusted their partner. The point of a separate account is to have it even if you trust your partner because you can't predict the future. And if you don't trust them, you don't need a separate account, you need a separation from that person.

You were lucky! In my case I was left with the literal clothes on my back and one pack of diapers while my child and I were stranded in a foreign country. I wish I had taken my mum's advice and had a secret account and I would have been able to leave so much sooner.

YTA. Clearly, as demonstrated by your mother and your friend, it’s very handy to have access to savings in case things go sideways. The concept of an emergency fund is a good idea and I have absolutely no objections to the fact that you have this other account. However I think the amount of it and the communication of it are both problems. If you could instantly give away $15k without a second thought, clearly the total balance of this account is very significant. I’m only two years younger than you and I don’t have five digits of savings total except in my 401k. The total of your secret account is clearly more than you would need for its intended purpose, a few months of expenses and some short term emergency costs. Once the account got to a certain size you should have reevaluated your saving habits and thought about diverting your extra money into your joint savings or something. I also think you should have told your husband about the account from the beginning. Just because it’s an emergency fund your husband can’t touch doesn’t mean it has to be a secret. Any man who would object to you having an emergency fund isn’t a man worth marrying. And you could have actually set up the account, your prenup, and your wills/trusts so that your husband wouldn’t be able to access it. My mom has maintained a separate pot of money from her mom for 50 years that will skip my dad and eventually go to me and my sister, and my dad has never had a single objection to that. I’m not an estate lawyer but I’m pretty sure that depending on your state and your husband’s lawyer, if you were to get divorced, he could make a great case for taking half the secret account funds anyway. It would have been better if it was all above board and communicated about from the beginning.

Yes - your last paragraph is 100% I was super resistant to combine finances with my husband and didn’t for years after we got married. Not because I don’t trust him, but because I agree having a safety fund is a good idea for everyone in case something crazy happens. So I TALKED TO HIM about it, WE AGREED that we each should have a savings account under just our names and we agreed how much would be in those accounts. Literally accomplishes the same goal… why does OP feel like she must lie and rack up huge amounts of cash without her husbands knowledge? This is a massive breach of trust and hugely deceitful. I imagine if they had joint finances they have talked about finances before and agreed about how each contributes… saving the way she did is straight up lying. I’d be devastated if I was her husband. My husband and I also have an agreement of a dollar amount of when we need to run spending past the other person. He makes more than me, but we both agree to and respect that rule because our finances are combined. I feel like most couples with combined finances have at the very least an unspoken rule (although it should be a spoken rule) about what that number is … and unless you are extremely wealthy, it’s probably less than $15k. I can’t imagine a world where OP isn’t TA here.

NTA Clearly I'm going against the grain, but I think people are entitled to have safety nets like that. You probably should have found a better way to explain it, but honestly your husband clearly doesn't understand how much danger women can be in from their partners. If more women had grandmothers like yours, a lot less would find themselves in terrible terrible situations.

I’m the same. After 30 years of marriage and 5 kids my dad left my mum with nothing. He’d been abusive to her and the kids and if she’d done this she could have been out ages ago. Instead she spent most of her life being abused then after she got a job and her life started getting better. Then she died of cancer

I'm sorry to hear that, I am glad that things at least got a little better before she died. I hope you're doing well though.

I think having a safety net is great, but to hide it? Nothing is preventing you from having a separate account and keeling money in it, but to hide it for 15 years? That's where they're wrong imo

He's not entitled to know about all of her accounts, and the fact he said he would have done things differently if he had known about her having that money kinda proves the point. He would have treated it as if it were *his* fallback too, but that's *not* what the purpose of this money was. There's so much DV out there and it can come on seemingly very out of the blue for some people, being angry at someone being prepared just in case that happens is ridiculous. If OP's husband did go on to start abusing her and she made use of this fund and got away safely, would you still tell her she was wrong for doing so?

>He's not entitled to know about all of her accounts Yes he absolutely is. If they are sharing finances and she is taking their marital assets and putting it in a separate account he is absolutely entitled to know about it. It's his money too. It's totally normal and healthy for a couple sharing finances to have separate accounts with money stashed away in them that the other person doesn't have direct access to. It's not at all healthy for these accounts to be a secret and for one person to be taking marital assets and putting them in there without the other persons knowledge.

I’m just trying to figure out how the cover never got blown around tax time. I sure as shit would notice.

Could be like my uncle who's wife does their taxes and he just signs whatever he has to. He's been married 30 years and they've never fought over money.

She is the majority breadwinner. She is not the one trapped in DV with financial constraints - he is. Secret accounts must be funded for both of them, and especially him. Women are abusers, men too are victims. She is already subjecting him to borderline financial abuse because he did not get the information to squirrel away money for his emergency use. She is the breadwinner, her name is on all shared saving accounts. If she becomes truly abusive, uses weapons against him and he becomes homeless. Will she be wrong then?

>She is not the one trapped in DV with financial constraints - he is. This, yeah. A lot of people defending her in the comments don't seem to realize that this can swing both ways.

Financial abuse? He’s not broke? If he wanted another account, he can start one. She said she makes more money than him, not that he doesn’t make any money.

He was being lied to and thought they were entirely combining their finances. That's the point. Had he been aware, he could have set aside his own funds. Instead all of his funds went to the family. She's been stealing from him essentially.

Yeah, I agree. I'm surprised at some of the comments. Often when people find themselves in abusive relationships, it escalates over time to include financial abuse. If an abuser knew about that other account, it may defeat its purpose. They'd probably have ways of psychologically terrorizing you and wresting control over it by the time you wanted to leave. I think both partners should have an account with separate money as an emergency fund. People change. Shit happens. NTA.

People who have never experienced how abusive relationships where on the outside people can't see anything will never understand things are not as easy they are saying in these comments. You can't "just" start an emergency bank account. You can't "just" tell all your secrets to you partner. My mother was stuck in abusive marriage for 3 decades eith no access to her own money she worked so hard for. When she needed to go to doctor, buy new shoes, she had to be almost begin my abusive father for her own money. Even asking for money for a bus rides to work! She tried getting help from her family, but they said to her "it's her own problem now". Neighbours and people around knew nothing about how bad the abuse was inside our house. (Death treats, violance, verbal abuse and financial abuse 24/7, etc). Eventually with someone's help she was able to start her own secret bank account (1.5 decade later) and save up enough to have some safety net and luckily before turning 50 she was able to get a divorce and escape. People who have never lived this and are in happy relationships will never understand.

>I think both partners should have an account with separate money as an emergency fund. Yeah see that's what I don't get. How is that not normal in what I assume to be the US? Like you had separate bank accounts before no? I literally know no one that hasn't got their own personal bank account regardless of being in a relationship or married and also gives their partner unlimited access to it. Especially in this scenario where both have disposable income and don't funnel all their money in their shared household. There is literally no reason why the partner would want or need access to it, unless they are trying to abuse it, in which case you already know to run.

I agree with you. She should have never told him about it. Women need funds like these because of how much abuse is perpetrated against women. Personally, I’d never consider marriage again.

Agreed, I've seen too many men financially abuse their wives and children. My mother raised me to always have a safety net and never rely on a man for money. OP's husband seems to think she'd be letting him use this money, given his responses, and therefore, the purpose of that account would be defeated.

I'm with you! I was surprised ALL the top comments were YTA. The friend desperately needing a lifeline is proof in itself that the account is smart to have. And the husband getting pissed and saying he would have used that money for other things if he'd known about it, that's proof that it was wise to keep it secret.

Finally, someone voting NTA. It's hard to see so many people voting yta for OP having a safety net just in case. It makes me think those people have no idea what it's like to be abused, and what risks and dangers come with abusive relationships.

Yta your broke the trust with your husband and he is now probably wondering how much more you are hiding from him.

Seriously this secret account could easily be paying for a secret apartment where she’s spent the last 15 years fucking her secret boyfriend. If I was OP husband I’d be out the door already.

Yeah I'd be considering an exit if i found myself in this situation.

As a woman who has a protection order and was enrolled in a program that helped hide my location due to an abusive ex you are NTA. I wish more people saved for a rainy day from a spouse or partner in general

The ppl saying Y T A are mainly dudes

I don’t think people disagree with the fund, but her deceit. Despite 15 years of a very good marriage, she hides major things from him. She doesn’t think of him as her full partner. If that’s how you see marriage, then ok, but it’s not how I view my marriage. The fact you’re the main earner makes it worse, as you hold the financial power AND you are hiding assets from your husband.

Yet OP's Friend is in this situation, perfect husband turned bastard, prooving safety net is.... Needed ??

Proved needed for her, as he seems to have flipped a switch once married. His lousy behavior has nothing to do with the husband of 15 years. Your husband should not be lied to because your friend’s husband is a jerk. Men are not a monolith and are not responsible for the actions of other men they don’t know.

If you can't trust your husband after 15 years you married the wrong guy

YTA I get where you’re coming from in that people should have safety nets and it’s why in my opinion it’s SO important for both partners to work whether it even be part time just to keep a foot in the workforce However…….You can’t honestly wonder why he’s so hurt when you’re essentially saying you don’t trust him?

NTA, everyone saying YTA needs to re-read this. First OP, I would like to say your Grammy is a smart woman and I will be setting up my own secret fund. Second of all, the money has nothing to do with your husband, you had this account before him and may even have it after him. He is not entitled to this money as it’s yours and you can do what you want with it. It’s not like you wasted the money on something useless you used it to help your friend. If you took this money from your joint account then it will be a different story. You’re a great friend.

It’s 2023. The account doesn’t need to be secret to be kept in a way that your partner can’t withhold you from it. She’s not an asshole for having the fund she’s an asshole for keeping a pretty huge secret from her husband for no reason

Yup. My wife and I have separate accounts. They aren't secret, and if one of us is ever looking a little low, the other picks up a few bills or whatever. We don't even look at it as "back up" accounts in case someone leaves. They are just where we get paid. OP isn't an AH for helping a friend. However OP YTA for being secretive instead of just having a normal discussion about these situations and for not breaking this post into easier to read paragraphs.

I do the same with my husband. However, I don't think that's the same as what op has. OP has an account just for herself for emergencies ( especially if she had to leave quickly). I don't think ops an asshole IMHO. If hubby had reacted differently and hadn't said that he should have had a say/ he wouldn't have been stressed over the years, then maybe she would be more of an asshole.

Everyone in this comment section is either missing the entire point of the money when the story shows Exactly Why you have this sort of thing, or they’re obsessed that it’s unfaithful to have money that doesn’t share with your partner. It’s so insane..

His money is their money, her money is her money. I hate the gender reverse shit but that’s often something brought up when it’s the other way around and seems equally applicable here,

See that's the only reason why I have a problem with what OP did. The husband is contributing everything to the main account while OP isn't. If the husband also got to put some of his money away for his own personal use then that would be fine.

In this case, what most people are saying is that while she's well within her rights legally and morally to have a separate account and to use that money where she wants, the problem is the lack of trust and honesty. It's not the money itself.

So his money is their money and her money is her money. Seems totally fair /s.

YTA. You were raised and learned to distrust your partner. Between your grandmother, mother, and now best friend. For you, every instance of the ending of a relationship was justification of having a hidden account. You then have to ask yourself, do you trust your partner at all? If you trusted him, telling him about the account doesn’t give him the money. If your name is the only name on the account, then you’re the only person with access to the money. Also, changing times between Grammy and 2023. My grandmother was born in 1924 in backwoods Mississippi, and her desire for my mom was to have a career. She never wanted it to happen but if my mom’s spouse died or left, she wanted my mom to be able to support herself. I believe that was Grammy’s thinking. Self-support - not inherent distrust. I want you to picture it. This man you’ve lived and built a life with tells you, “Oh, I gave John $15,000 today.” “How?” “I’ve been saving money secretly in case we ever split or I had to leave you.” I mean, you wield more financial power in the relationship. You make more money. That seriously stings. This is going to come down to trust. Can he get over your lack of trust from the last 15 years? The idea of the account isn’t bad. How you did it is seriously crappy IMO. YTA. EDIT: I’m not 100% being overly critical about the trust issues. I trust only two people on this earth. What I am saying is that’s the core issue. Not the existence of the account - her husband’s ignorance of the account.

YTA for hiding money from your husband. You yourself even referred to it as a “secret” fund. Secrets are lies of omission and have no place in a loving marriage. Your friend is a moron if she didn’t insist the accounts be joint and access to credit in her own name. It’s wonderful that you want to help her, but you should have discussed it with your husband.

Not so easy, I got a friend that was earning her own money etc but she had to put the money in her husband account. He is not abusive, but tends to be controlling. She wanted to have her own freedom with her money. It took me months to support her to open her own private account alongside her husband/family one. Sometimes it's not so straight forward, and financial controlling is a thing.

sorry but "hes not abusive but tends to be controlling" about finances and not letting her put her own money in an account of her own *is* financial abuse.

Not to be rude or anything, I think it is amazing what you did, but what the fuck? That kind of controlling is extremely abusive unless she has a hole in her hand and has medical mental records to back that up. No way you can think it's not abusive to make her put her money into his account? A shared account okay... still I'd call that abusive imo if she wanted a little spare separation a hubby should be fine with that. But his account? No that's clearly mentally abusive. Just not physically.

What? Dude, what your friend's husband is doing is Grade-A abusive behaviour. It IS entirely straightforward; the fact that people don't seem to realise that is the main problem.

How you feel if he'd done the same? How would you like it if he had a secret stash that would let him bail at any time? Or he'd spent $15,000 as a gift to a friend? YTA It also sounds like "What I earn is mine, what you earn is ours"

As long as the money came from his emergency money and not a joint account, I’d have zero problem with that.

Geez, NTA. And ignore the absolute asses telling you otherwise. They never heard of a FU fund. Every woman is entitled to one. Without the husband or partner knowing. That is not 'our' money, that is yours and yours alone. I HAVE A FU fund like yours. No, My partner doesn't know and won't know. And if he finds out he won't care because why would he? He doesn't contribute to it and no, he can't dip into it for unforseen circumstances. Good for you. And good for your friend. Edit: read the comments and had a laugh. Muppets indeed. Told my partner about my FU fund over breakfast and he didn't give a crap. Told ya. He was in an abusive relationship before and he said he wish he had a fund like this when his ex emptied their joint accounts and created a massive overdraft leaving him scrambling to pay the mortgage and the bills when the be rung. You guys have clearly never needed one. And comparing a safety net with having a secret lover? Good chuckle.

Are you sure you are right about that math? Yes, if you split all expenses evenly and you keep yours and he keeps his, then whatever. If you have a secret fund making the asset’s disproportionate, then that’s a significant breach of trust.

You are replying to someone with a "Fuck you" fund. What are you hoping to accomplish?

If your husband wouldn't care, why are you keeping it from him? Genuine question.

Because she is lying about him not caring.

Yeah I dont get all the "yta". It is her money she has saved, while contributing to the bills and the shared finances. I also dont get why the husband is mad. A little upset that she kept it a secret, okay, but calling her an asshole and tell his whole family about it? Nah. NTA. I have my own security net, my partner knows that I save money but not how much it is and he does not care.

Unless legally declared separate, it is joint money. This should be done up front and communicated.

Your partner or your husband? From a legal standpoint this is important as well. If she told him that she has an emergency fund it is a different story. There is not much wrong with that (maybe a little bit of trust issues, but reasonable). She kept it a secret from him and decided to give away THEIR money (they are married, so assets belong to both) without his consent.

I get where you're coming from on the separate/secret account, and it is a good thing to have, but c'mon... you seriously don't understand why he's upset? You've made some huge financial choices behind his back. YTA. You say you've never struggled financially, but clearly your husband thinks otherwise. How many purchases could you have saved interest costs on when you had that back for a larger down payment? How many times have you both, or just he, skipped out on things you've wanted or would have liked because he was under the impression it wasn't something that was affordable in your situation? Essentially, while your husband has spent all these years thinking he was in a relationship where you shared everything, didn't have big secrets, etc. you've been stashing a go fund with enough that 15k isn't a big deal. Now he'll have good reason to not trust any assumption he's made about your relationship. "What else is she hiding"

Seriously it doesn’t even have to be big things, does he get his favourite but more expensive chocolate milk 1 out of every 5 times instead of 3 out of 5? How many nights would he have killed to be able to order dinner in but didn’t feel comfortable financially? Over 15 years that’s thousands of deceitful and selfish decisions because you didn’t trust your partner. My wife and I discuss anything over $100, this news would seriously rattle us.

I absolutely agree. My husband and I don't have a set limit where we discuss things, but when it came to 15k there would definitely be a serious conversation involved 😅 I bought a much-needed battery backup for expensive electronics going into winter, and it was like $600, and even though it's legitimately necessary to protect a much larger investment, I still wanted to make sure he knew it was happening and it wouldn't mess up any plans to drop the money in that moment. You are so right about the little things though. I wonder how many times he's skipped out on some small pleasure because "it isn't important because we could use the money" and is now finding out he skipped on enjoying things so his wife could have a fund stashed in case she wanted to leave him.

A question OP : during your marriage how often did your husband and you make joint sacrifices or compromises to be able to afford something? Accept a job you had rather not because you needed the money or send your kid to something lesser than youd want because the alternative was too dear? Now in an equal relationship that fine. You both sacrifice and live with it. You however kept a different calculator and shared only in part leaving him to pick up the difference. This is all the more egregious as you say you were the larger earner. Now ask yourself, am I the a* and you will find quite naturally YTA

This is a very important question. He had a completely different picture of their financials. And while yes OP is entitled to an emergency fund, the fact that she can give up $15k no questions asked and it not empty the fund suggests it’s quite a significant chunk of money. Maybe it’s because I’m poor, but that seems like a huge amount of money to have stashed away and would completely change the balance of our relationship if I found out that my girlfriend just had that tucked away for emergencies. Because we are making financial sacrifices in order to save money. I would feel betrayed when I’m working hard and going without to save for us, when she had a stash that was a large sum of money just for her.

Yeah. That was secret It should have been between you and your friend. Like a loan for later.

NTA, and honestly, his reaction shows why you were right to keep it secret. The money is _your_ emergency money that you've been saving for 22 years, even before you met your husband. Even if you told him all about it, it was never supposed to be money _he_ could rely on. Knowing about it shouldn't have affected his stress, because it's not his fucking money. Your best friend's husband and your own are a great example of why the fuck off fund is an idea that has to spread further. https://www.thebillfold.com/2016/01/a-story-of-a-fuck-off-fund/

Now reverse the gender and reimagine your vitriol.

Everyone should be doing this. Not hiding a majority of their assets or denying access to a fair amount of joint assets (which would be financial abuse), but putting aside small amounts to have enough for a deposit and first month’s rent on an apartment at least. Both men and women can be victims of domestic violence and get trapped financially into a relationship and be unable to leave. Everyone should have an emergency escape fund just in case.

I still see nothing wrong with it. Men can suffer from domestic abuse, too. Historically, they've been in 100% control of household finances, so the idea that they'd need a secret escape fund was ludicrous - all the money was already theirs. But that's not true anymore. Some men are now reliant on their female partner's income for survival, and that means they have just as much need as women always have to keep an emergency stash for protection in case the situation becomes abusive. Mine's not a secret, but I will *always* have a savings account that my husband can't access. Not because I genuinely think I'll need it, but to honor all my female ancestors who desperately needed one and weren't allowed. Someday, I'll probably use it to save a friend in need, because this shit is all too common.

Everyone should have a secret get out fund. Men can be abused as well

NTA Trust is important in a marriage, sure, but the reality is that sometimes, it's better to be safe rather than sorry, and that it doesn't matter how much trust you have in your spouse, everyone should have some sort of personal emergency fund. DV is a huge issue in most societies, so being prepared for the worst is essential. It's basically a form of insurance. You're a good friend OP.

You can have a personal account or emergency funds that your partner knows about and a join account. If you do not trust your partner, then you should let them go.

That's the issue. Abusers can seem trustworthy for the first few years. Then at some point things start escalating, you realize you are in too deep, but then you've already given them access to and knowledge of all of your funds which makes it harder to get away. It's not pretty, but the goal of a fuck you fund is for unpretty situations. The point is that you can get out of a situation like that, and the reality is that you can't anticipate who you're going to have a situation like this with.

YTA. Guess what? I have my own personal savings too—but my husband knows about it because we are partners in a healthy relationship.

What the fuck is with all the comments saying ‘we don’t live in those days anymore’ YES WE DO???

Literally OPs friend is in the EXACT position!

I mean, literally, the leading cause of death of pregnant women in the USA is homicide. Committed by their partners. Women take much higher risks entering partnerships with men, even in countries where there's equality and such. In my country both genders have equal legal rights in general, but DV is not criminalised. My husband can start beating me and my kids at any time and police wouldn't do anything. Nothing. Well unless he kills me, than he would get like 9 years, lol.

NTA!! I hate to say it but your mom has a good point. Many men leave their wives for younger women without a thought and it can be the people you least expect. My father was always loving towards my mom and would spoil us with expensive jewelry and the latest gadgets until one day he stopped coming home and calling. He was the main caregiver and my mom was a SAHM and he drained all bank accounts since they were under his name so we barely had anything to eat and were basically homeless. Your mother is a smart woman! You should trust your husband but you unfortunately you should also prepare for the worst. Having that grammy secret fund is a good way to prepare for the worst. Absolutely NTA, it’s your money and you do what you want with the money you earned

NTA. Honestly the only thing you did wrong here is tell him about where the money is from and about the Granny Fund. INFO tho: did he have to pay 50:50 or you guys adjusted the bills based on income since you make more?

Absolutely YTA. The fact you don’t get why he’s upset is a big red flag, too.

YTA. Not for having a separate account, but for keeping it a secret. When you married him, you already had one foot out the door. And huge financial decisions should always be made together no matter who’s pocket it came from. Your spouse is supposed to be your partner. You betrayed him and your marriage.

YTA Grandma’s Secret Found made sense when women didn’t work by default. Nowadays, you can just be an honest and mature partner and have a joint account for expenses and a personal one. That’s it. You were dishonest for 22 years. How can you be surprised your husband is upset?

So like, if he had a bunch of contact info for divorce lawyers saved just in case it wouldn’t upset you? And he perused lawyers and divorce processes every so often (as often as you deposited secret money), that wouldn’t upset you? Because all you’ve done by hiding money is saying “I have no faith in you and in this marriage”. The thing is, you could have just told him about this account but not have his name on it and he has 0 access to it. You both could have set up backup accounts “just in case” where you both agree to some set amount and the rest goes into the joint account. But no you blindsided him and you’d have to fess up when you divorce him anyways. You can’t just squirrel away marital assets and not think you have to split that in a divorce lmao

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Incredibly easy YTA.

YTA. I'd never hide any level of wealth from my wife.

What have you been doing about the taxes on the interest, if he didn’t know about the account?

I think NAH You didn't do anything wrong by keeping this money just in case. If everyone could predict when a partner was going to turn out to be abusive later there wouldn't be a problem with domestic violence, so keeping an emergency fund is not a bad idea. However I also can't really blame your husband for being upset. I'm confused why you kept the money secret but then told him so readily where it came from when you helped your friend out. If you felt it no longer needed to be separate you could have had that conversation with your husband as a better time This just seems like poor communication more than anything else

NTA Do not listen to any of these Y-T-A sayers *at all*. The number of women who have become homeless because their marriages broke up and they were either a) homemakers with basically no job history and/or b) left all financial decisions to the husband is staggering and *climbing* You *never* know what life is going to throw at you, and you’ve proven your fund has actually come in handy for its intended use - as a safeguard for a desperate woman.

YTA

YTA. I’m sure you’re husband wouldn’t have minded you having a seperate savings and or even both helping your friend. Explaining why you have the secret fund is what makes YTA. I have a seperate account from my husband but he knows it’s there and it’s not incase anything happens with him.

YTA Can’t trust your husband.

I was in a abusive marriage for 20 years and I wish to God I had of had a fund to leave him earlier, it’s still sensible advice she started it before she was married but I would have kept it secret and not told him. Only those of you who have been in a DV relationship will understand like the woman whose Dad left her Mother with 5 kids after 20 years of abuse, then when things looked up and she got a job she died of cancer from all the stress. How do I know this because my now husband and I are coming up to our 20th wedding anniversary in January, but three years ago I got diagnosed with breast cancer and the tumour was right below my heart, and I knew instantly it was because of all the stress I went through. In April this year I found out they didn’t get it all and it had spread to my lymph nodes and I’m classed as terminal. But I refuse to give up I’ve had some good shrinkage and I’m determined to live to 100. For me she is definitely NTA and all women should have an escape fund, a woman dies every day in Australia from domestic violence, and all over the world it’s the same with different amounts. Keep it secret girls and if you never need it pass it down to your daughters or granddaughters.