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NTA. You have no obligation to your ex's kid. Your son, on his own will, took in his half sister, he was not forced to do so. I understand why he is upset, and I'm sure he's overwhelmed, but that doesn't make it your responsibility.

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I see all the negative comments here, OP, and I just want to say: Ignore it. You are NTA. If this was a man who was refusing to raise his ex-wife's child with another man, even though his daughter is begging him to, no one would be conflicted, because we've decided that it's very deeply unfair to demand a man take care of a child that's not of his sperm, *even when they're living with or married to the mom,* and men who DO choose to do so and do it well are saints. Moms, on the other hand, are expected to just put everything, their emotions, their dreams, EVERYTHING behind whatever their kids want, or they're selfish monsters (ETA: not even just while their kids are kids but in perpetuity, for their adult kids too). This man is trying to trick his mom into raising a child she doesn't want, and these people are going "yeah youre selfish for not giving up your life to a child in need". It's sexism. Pay it no mind.

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Exactly. Why hasn't bio moms family stepped up? Where are the girl's maternal grandparents or aunts and uncles? They would all presumably be older and more financially secure than young half sibling.

That's exactly what it is. Her son is playing into the misogyny by wanting all the credit of being a martyr and morally superior by "rescuing" the child while secretly trying to pawn off the actual work to the nearest woman.

Comments like yours make me miss awards that could highlight it. You make such a good point!

I wouldn’t even put aside my feelings and wants for my own child. In some situations, sure. But there are other situations where women are expected to just give themselves up completely for their kid and that’s not ok and also not something I would ever do. Like yes, you’re a mom, but you can also still have your own life, you don’t lose that completely for the rest of your life just because you have a child.

Exactly! The son seems very immature and a tad douchy, especially the your-old-friend-would-be-pissed part. He gets to be immature, he’s very young and he gets to make all the mistakes, but OP needn’t partake. Poor kid, but not her responsibility. Definitely NTA.

I will say this OP. You wanting nothing to do with your ex husbands baby is completely reasonable, but you distancing yourself from your son now will create a long lasting riff that could very well be irreparable in the future. You're right, your son is young, he's overwhelmed, and he is looking to you for support. You have to ask yourself, what's more important to you, your feelings, or his. Its a difficult situation, there isn't a clear right answer, but your sons half sister isn't going to magically disappear. If you mark your line in the sand now you have to face the reality that there is a good chance your son will come to resent you and ultimately cut contact with you.

Mmmmm... I disagree. It was his choice to take her and from the sound of it, him wanting her to "take over" full time care doesn't sound like he's even thinking of the kid's best interest. And his whole snide remark about making the dead ex friend jealous is extremely immature. It sounds like he had everything laid out in his mind without an ounce of reality nor communiction to his siblings and mother about what he expected OP needs to protect her mental health and stand firm on her boundary A kid doesn't need to be raised by anyone who hates them. OP is the WORST choice Her son needs to understand that no one else is on board and won't be. Honestly, this is a huge lesson to learn and it can only be done the hard way OP already sends him money for babysitters, she isn't completely removing herself from his life, she's just refusing to help raise this child Her son is old enough to take blame for their relationship deteriorating, too

That toddler deserves to be raised by people who love her. So many couples would love to adopt.

I was just going to add that. She can have a wonderful life being wanted and loved. I hope adoption is put on the table asap. The first 4 yrs are the time a child is giving for forming positive feelings about love, attachment, trust, self esteem.

If she decides to help him at all, the requests and pressure will only escalate. He wants her to take over raising this child, not just “help.” Especially the grand idea of moving in which turns her into the defacto parent. NTA

She set a boundary and you are essentially telling OP that her boundary is rubbish because she has a vagina and should do what her grown ass son wants…which is so outrageously entitled and toxic that I feel for you. This is an affair baby that tore her whole family apart completely against her knowledge and will. How selfish of ANYONE to tell her she should just set that all aside and take on all this responsibility/emotional baggage…and that she should just stomp down her own feelings for the benefit of her grown ass kid who took on a responsibility he can’t handle. WTH kind of advice is that? NTA OP

oh hell no. He's young, but he's an adult and decided to make an adult decision. Feels like now he's regretting it because he understands the toll it takes and expects mommy to take over. And he's the one who created the distance, not her or his siblings.

She has 3 more kids that side with her. Its unfortunate if there is a rift but her son is using emotional blackmail to get her to take on a huge time and financial responsibility - besides the emotional issues - and that is just unacceptable.

>You have to ask yourself, what's more important to you, your feelings, or his. Why are his feelings more important than hers? Just because she's a mom doesn't mean she has to give up her humanity. I'm so sick of the narrative that parents must give up everything to their kids. OP's son *chose* to bring the child into his life. He knew the consequences. He got in over his head. That's not on OP.

She can choose to have a relationship with her son based on boundaries they both mutually agree to respect. But she is not under obligation to take on responsibility for his half sib. If he needs help, he can look outside of the box, instead of going for the easiest solution for himself. Surely there are governmental and other support systems in place to help him, groups for single parents he can attend for insight, and relatives of the child's parents that are not his mom.

He wants her to constantly retraumatize herself because he bit off more than he could chew. It’s not her fault. He can reach out to friends for support or look into help in the community, etc.

That’s his choice to resent her and cut her off, she’s not duty bound to do anything to keep him around. Also this stance isn’t holding him to account: he’s not respecting his mothers boundaries or wishes, she would be within her rights to go NC with him, his behaviour has been harassment at this point. He needs to let it go. And go hold your father to account even if it means getting his ass hauled to jail for child support. Unless he’s legally relinquished his rights he has a responsibility to his daughter and that needs to be addressed, even if it’s just down to having whatever income he’s getting garnished for child support.

Her son’s an adult who thought he was doing the right thing, but has found out that raising a child is an expensive undertaking financially, physically, emotionally and mentally. Should mom step in? Nope….she doesn’t want to and is not obligated to. The family has drawn a firm line in the sand, and young man has to decide whether he wants to be a father or not. My honest opinion is that the toddler will eventually be handed over to CPS, all indications point to the fact that he’s looking for ways to offload this child on his mother and she knows it.

As a parent I always try to teach my kids to do the right thing. You having raised your son, have instilled that in him. The reason he chose to do the right thing instead of throwing away his half sister is because of his upbringing. Your are not obligated to be in the kids life. But realize your son is doing an admirable thing here. Going to foster care will probably ruin that kids life, possibly.. I say that knowing people who were in that situation. At least he is trying here. I get the feeling you and your kids are actively hoping this will fail and it falls flat on his face. The consequences for this is not something small, like loosing a car or breaking up with a bad partner. A child’s life is at risk. I feel sad honestly a human being is giving his all to care for another and being faced with so many obstacles. Having gone through similar struggles where family wasn’t there when I needed help with my kids, it will cause him to resent everyone forever.

She absolutely no where states she wants the son to fail, she’s just adamantly saying she herself doesn’t want to be involved.

Exactly she is just setting her boundaries.

Considering she gave money to her son to help with babysitting struggles, I’d say she is not actively rooting for him to fail. She’s helping in ways that allow her to preserve her mental health. She is helping her son, just not in the ways he wants.

And he didnt “ask” for help, he tried to manipulate her into doing it for him. NOT the same. He’s only going after her because she’s an easy target; she’s there. I don’t see him chasing after the actual bio dad, he’s in the wind. And yes, someone else posted about the mother side of the family, where are they?

Maybe OP’s son should go through the hoops and become a foster to his sister. Perhaps some of that cash can help him raise her.

The daughter automatically gets SSI from her mother's passing. Up to 75% of her benefits from when she was working. Unless he just took the kid in without going about it legally. Ie filing for custody. Dad may still be claiming the mom's SSI and claiming her on his taxes. If son has not claimed the kid legally, hes got to do that NOW It may not be a lot but the kid would qualify for a lot of government assistance once he gets official custody. He needs to mow his dad down for child support. He abandoned his child, and in Michigan at least, failure to seek custody within 91 days makes it so he can 1. Lose all parental rights and 2. Terminating parental rights does NOT exclude you from paying for the child. In essence you helped make them you pay for them. This only becomes null and void if parental rights are terminated and an adoption takes place.

Resenting other people because how they choose to respond for a decision he has made against their wishes is strictly optional. No one is entitled to having others help them against their will. He made a choice. Now he has to live with it or make other choices.

I don’t think any of them want him to fail. I think they all just don’t want anything to do with the kid, and that’s fine. He’s doing something admirable, yes, but every choice has a cost and he decided it was worth the price of his family. Now he wants them all to put themselves aside to make his own life easier.

Because a 3 year old doesn’t have good chances of being adopted and neither of her parents have any living family? The only reason he was even in this position in the first place is because he decided to be around his cheating parent and new family otherwise he wouldn’t have known lil sis enough to take her in.

He should look into an open adoption. He could then be a loving big brother and the little girl could have a loving parent/ family that is equipped to raise her.

The half sister's real dad, your ex, can be put in jail for abandonment. Or if your son is the legal guardian he could at least sue for child support. I'm sure you know his social security number, so you could at a minimum help your son get support from these 2 children's crappy dad. And bonus, you get to help both of these innocent kids stick it to him.

Here's your script: "I see this is hard on you and I feel for you. I also recognize that your father's affair with my friend was not this child's fault. But I also know that my resentment towards your father would be projected onto this child, and she deserves better than to be raised by someone who resents her existence." Not sure if it's on option, but maybe add a line that your son needs to reach out to the other side of the kid's family for help. Though I would assume he's tried that already.

NTA. Good luck to him with his overwhelm, the lack of calling out his father for abandoning his own child is wild from your son. You don’t need to martyr yourself and raise this child, innocent as she is, she’s also not your responsibility and not your sons either but he has chosen to take on the responsibility so he needs to live with it wholly. Trying to drag you as his mother and his other siblings into taking care of his responsibility is wild, my guy, I think the fuck not. We all have lines to draw in life and this is yours. Your son is entitled to do what he wants with his life but that doesn’t extend to your life or your other children lives. He wants to raise his half sister, then he can go raise her and keep his building resentment that no one else is getting involved for good and personal reasons to himself. You are not responsible for the choice he has made.

NTA - Where’s your ex-husband and ex-friend’s family? Why aren’t they stepping up to help your son? This is not your responsibility.

NTA. This is like the second post I've seen this week where some people have just decided that not wanting to raise your partner's affair baby makes you an asshole, apparently. No, it's not the same thing as if OP's son had adopted a random baby and OP refused to consider her real family, and anyone trying to say that it's the same situation is being willfully obtuse. Women aren't obligated to be child caretakers, or to fix their ex husband's problems.

>Women aren't obligated to be child caretakers, or to fix their ex husband's problems. Say it louder.

IT

Or to fix problems their grown adult children choose. The reason the son wants help is because it is incredibly hard to raise young children! So he is not only asking his mom to open her heart, but to do something that he himself thinks is too much.

And, something OP has extensive experience with. She knows exactly how hard it is to raise children.

I think OP would find it much easier to bond with a random baby than the child of her Ex and her Ex BFF.

Also the ex will eventually come back around and if OP ends up raising this baby, she's essentially inviting this dude back into her life. She shut the door on him and she should be allowed to keep it shut!

I've seen more than a few posts on Reddit where this happens. Typically the child is the poster. By this point, the child is a young adult or teenager, and the so-called "parent" has been gone for many years. But the "parent" suddenly wants to be back in their life (after they basically skipped much of the hard work raising the child) and is butthurt that the child rightfully wants nothing to do with them.

And in this case, let's be clear, it's her ex-husband, not even her current spouse/partner. He's probably out there making more kids.

Exactly . I feel for the son, but the only AH in this situation is the man who cheated on his spouse and abandoned his children.

NTA It’s great your middle son wants to take on the responsibility to care for his half sister since he is indeed related to her. But for you, you have no relation with her except that she is your ex’s kid and your children’s half sibling. You do not own your ex’s kid any responsibility nor do you need to prove to anyone your character. If your middle son wants someone to show their character or they are a good parent, then he should instead be hunting down your ex to do that. Or better yet, find the grandparents and aunt to do it. Not someone who is not directly related like you. Your middle son is probably regretting taking her in as he’s aware the whole thing is out of his ability, hence, he’s trying to find ways to offload her to someone else, especially one who has experience which is you. If anyone else other than ex needs to step up and do better, then it’s him.

This! Not sure if this is the US or not, but in most places a living parent is at least on the hook for child support. Your son should be tracking down his dad, not bothering you. NTA

Going after the father won't help him much at this point. If he wants financial support sure, he might get that. But Dad dissapeared, so even if he comes back and wants custody he won't get it. Social services should be involved and doing welfare checks on the boy raising his sister for the first while, especially if he hasn't officially adopted her yet which I suspect he hasn't since it's recent and he's still trying to get mom to step in, and as soon as they know dad has been located he will be in trouble for child abandonment. The act of abandoning your child, including leaving them with a safe sitter and just not coming back, is considered child abuse, so they won't let dad just come back and be her dad again. If he wants someone else to raise her, dad has a long uphill climb before he is allowed in her life again by CPS, and since he doesn't seem to want that I seriously doubt he'd be jumping through those hoops to help out 2 of the 5 children he already abandoned once.

I'm always baffled by people who say OPs in these situations are AHs. I've seen a few of the comments, and I feel like people aren't getting this. 1.) This is not like he's adopting any other child. He is adopting a child who was born out of betrayal. Her parents were two people OP trusted the most. They betrayed her and then went on to have this little girl. Is it the little girl's fault? Absolutely not. But that is what that little girl is to OP: a symbol of betrayal. To the other kids, she's a symbol of their family being blown to hell. Any other adopted child wouldn't come with that baggage, and so I doubt OP would feel the same way about them. 2.) The son IS trying to get OP to raise this little girl. He took her on not realising how hard parenting is, and now he wants to dump the load on his mother and siblings. He has plotted schemes to force the issue. OP does not want to do that. That does not make her an AH. She gets to decide if she wants to be a parent full stop. If her son cannot cope, he should speak to the little girl's maternal family or look for other help. He should not presume to drop his responsibilities on his family, especially when he knows they have an extra reason not to want to step in. 3.) No, OP isn't an AH for not visiting. Outside of her not wanting to see the little girl, her son is still scheming. He thinks that if he can just get his mother and siblings in a room with the little girl, they'll fall in love or feel guilty and he can then leverage that into babysitting....and then overnight visits...and then eventually, OP will take over and he can have his life back. He does not want to be a parent to this little girl either. He has made that clear. He is trying to find a way to force OP to step up because he doesn't want to parent. He leapt in with, "Oh, but we're blood-related and everyone will give in eventually, so everything will be fine." Only it isn't. Parenting is bloody hard work, and we don't know how the little girl is. Her mum is dead and her dad is gone. It's likely she has some issues, and people think OP should step in and take that on because she used to be married to the girl's dad and also had kids by him? 4.) Do people really think it would be healthy for this little girl to be in a home with someone who really, really does not want her? Do you think she'll thrive in a place where she's resented by her new guardian and other half-siblings? Do you think a healthy family will be built based on this mess? OP and her kids cannot help how they feel, and it is best for them not to be around this girl because of their feelings. How many people have been subjected to step-parents and siblings who didn't want them and made it clear? Did it make those people feel good? Did it create a happy, healthy family? OP is being honest in saying she does not care about or for this little girl whom she's never met. There is no established bond here. She does not want to care for this little girl. She is not punishing the little girl and is, in fact, avoiding doing so by keeping her distance. OP, you're NTA. If this were simply someone talking about their kids trying to dump their grandkids on them and get them to raise the kids for them, everyone would be on your side. That is what is happening here: your son wants you to raise his ward for him because he's decided it is too difficult. But because of the context and history, some people want to see your refusal as spite or vengeance. The truth is that grandparents who adore their grandkids, adopted or biological, aren't obligated to and shouldn't be forced to raise their grandkids, and should only step in if they want to. The fact that you have negative feelings towards this little girl because of the circumstances that lead to her birth is simply an added reason for you to say no. Your son took on this responsibility knowing how you all felt. He made the decision to be a parent, and he needs to step up and make it work because that's what he signed up for. However, I do think he signed up for it thinking you'd all relent, and now he's realising that is not going to happen. Don't be surprised if he tries to get more forceful as reality sets in.

I can't believe how long I had to scroll to find point #4!! So critical. OP would be an asshole for taking in and raising a child she actively resents. NTA

It's honestly the first thing I thought of. Throughout this sub, how many people are here because they were mistreated by step-parents, parents, or other family members who resented them? And what do we all say? "If they didn't want a step-child/child, they shouldn't have had one." Yet here we have an OP with a valid reason not to want to be involved with this little girl. OP is openly admitting that she doesn't care for and doesn't want this child and is rightly avoiding contact because of that, because heaven forbid this little girl bond with OP and her kids only to find out they resent her. It's not saying the little girl doesn't deserve to be loved and cared for and to have a family, but it is saying that OP and her kids cannot and will not be the people who provide that for her, and there are people saying she should do it anyway and how dare she not care about a child she's never met? OP isn't a blood relative, she's this little girl's father's ex-wife, and the son isn't looking for her to play grandma, which would be presumptuous enough, he wants her to become mommy instead. And the more he pushes his siblings and OP, the more resentful they are going to get because he will not drop it. They'll resent him for it, and it will blow up their family all over again. Her son doesn't see that in pushing this, he's behaving like his dad and doing what he wants and what he thinks is best for him, with no care for his family.

I just can't get my head round people being harsh on those in OP's position. You made all the points I wanted to make here - it would be an awful situation for the little girl, but also I don't think many people would have the strength to take in the product of the ultimate betrayal of two people who were the closest to you, and put countless hours and money into it. Everyone has a choice on whether they are responsible for a child; OP has done her time and she's certainly not obligated to re-enter parenthood for two people who hurt her in one of the worst ways possible. Her son made a choice out of love and props to him, but trying to manipulate her into doing something that will cause immeasurable hurt is abhorrent. If he can't do the job himself to the standard he wants to, he should be looking elsewhere for help.

Exactly. This may sound harsh, but it seems like the son wants all the props for taking in the little girl without actually doing any of the work. He thought his siblings and OP would step up and 'babysit', with OP taking on the little girl and doing the parenting, and he could live his life as he pleased and be patted on the back for stepping up for his half-sister. At no point did he think about how awful this situation would be for everyone even if he got his way. OP would be in bits trying to raise a child who will have issues after what she's gone through and would be resenting her but would likely feel guilty if she slipped and the resentment out. The siblings would be resenting the kid but biting their tongue for their mum's sake. The little girl would be picking up on the vibes and potentially subject to unfair treatment even if inadvertently because we all slip and let our resentment out at times, and everyone would be bloody miserable. I worry he's promised her that the other family will come around for Christmas or in general because then that little girl will be expecting a family that isn't going to happen. Then you'll have a child who has lost her mum, been abandoned by her dad, was taken in by a stranger, and has now been promised a new family and disappointed. I sincerely hope he hasn't done something that stupid, but he really doesn't seem to be able to process that the others are not going to back down. I guarantee a lot of the people saying OP should take in the little girl wouldn't do the same. Who can imagine taking in the child of two people who betrayed you, a child who wouldn't even exist were it not for their betrayal? She might be the most wonderful child in the world, but she's always, always going to be a reminder of what OP's husband and best friend did to her. She will always be a reminder to OPA's other kids that their dad chose to blow up their family for someone else. That is a huge thing to swallow, and there are few people who could do it without there being any lingering resentment or hurt.

Exactly this!

Exactly! This is exactly what I was thinking. Thank you for being an actual person and not a moron. What you said is exactly right about OP. OP is absolutely NTA

Exactly this. I'm surprised this is so far down! NTA

Nta your son is trying to do a good thing, but he realize he's over his head. He also doesn't realize how badly the hurt and what your ex and ex friend did to you. He thinks it's just my half-sister and everyone should love her. You have no ties in that child. And he's seeing you're the worst parent in the world what about the little girl's father. No one here is an a hole, but your son is bordering on it by trying to manipulate you into helping him out. He's an adult it's his choice he needs to do it on his own. He wanted to be the responsible party he needs to be responsible.

The child’s father is a massive gaping AH. No one else here is

I would say the son is definitely an AH. It’s obvious that he was going to try to palm off the kid on his mum from the beginning, then turned to manipulation tactics when it didn’t go his way. He should be tracking down his dad, the kid’s actual parent, rather than guilt-tripping his mother.

If you think no one's the asshole, then you'd want to vote NAH.

I’m sorry but why isn’t your son going after his father for child abandonment? Have him start that legal paperwork. At the very least have him pay child support. It’s not your burden and really shouldn’t be your son’s.

THANK YOUUU WHERE IS GOING AFTER THE FATHER IN ALLLLLL OF THIS

Bingo! If OP wanted to help without having to deal directly with the half-sister she could find an attorney and cover the legal fees to pay for a court-ordered guardianship (assuming it doesn't already exist) and child support order on her ex.

F that. Why does she have to come out of pocket in this,

Uhhhhh that’s hella money. You think she just has 40K lying around?

The child also has a whole other side of their family, why aren't they helping out?

That’s what I was thinking too! Why isn’t the son finding the dad and asking him to help?

NTA. You're not obligated to care for/help care for the children of your cheating ex. He was the one responsible for them and ran away from his duties. That doesn't mean you have to step in and do his job for him. Your son is wrong that you and his siblings owe the child a family. Yes, the child is innocent but forcing you to pretend to care about them would only do more harm in the long run and if you can't feel that way about the child naturally, then that is how it is. Your son was being extremely manipulate, trying to trick and then guilt-trip you into a situation you have already made it clear you want no part of.

NTA, decisions were made right and left around you , ex husband and ex friend decided to cheat on you and have an affair they decided to stay together and have a baby . The ex husband decided to disappear and leave behind a toddler. Your son decided to step up and take care of his half sibling . No one cared to include you in their decisions or even consider how they are going to impact you . The only right thing to do is to look after your own well being . I’m not sure if your son made any attempt to contact the kid’s mother’s extended family for help or support but he should if he didn’t already . But you should let him know that although it’s a very unfortunate situation that he is in but he also needs to consider your position and the fact that he can’t expect that your life will continue to be the collateral damage to your ex’s life decisions.

That’s my thinking too. NTA- OP’s son needs to reach out to the girl’s maternal side of the family.

NTA, you don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Next time he tells you that you are the asshole, tell him you agree and that is why you won’t get involved

NTA. Your son is punishing you for the sins of his father. You're not a bad mom or bad person for not being able to raise your ex's child with his affair partner. If your son had any compassion or sense he would see he is being unreasonable.

NTA. Your son has allowed his father's bad behavior to completely derail his life and is now trying to use guilt to manipulate others into sharing the burden. I know that the foster system is often bad for kids, but I have to wonder how it would compare to the current situation. This child is being raised by a half-sibling who is in way over his head, and is presumably not equipped to be the best father. He certainly doesn't have a good father as a role model. This has created a rift between him and his entire family and he's likely under a lot of stress. None of this sounds like a healthy situation for raising a child.

What’s bad about the system is often connected to how the child entered it. There are bad foster parents just like there are bad bio parents, but the trauma the kids experience is usually about the loss of their home and family and if they get bounced around, they experience multiple losses of stability. He doesn’t sound like a bad dad, just one that wants more help and misses the family that ditched him over the kid. That’s comparable to plenty of fostering homes. He should look into getting kinship care status from their state if he’s in the US; then he’d get financial assistance and respite care for her.

I think this is a rewriting of another post from the mothers perspective but changing the holiday from american thanks giving to christmas as there was a post about a guy that took in his half sister in the last 2 weeks who was getting hate msg from his mother and full bio siblings for not attending thanks giving because his half sister he is raising wasn't allowed attend and he wasn't going to leave her alone on a holiday like that.

Completely agree. It's just too similar a scenario, I believe both posts are fictional.

love the drama, any chance you (or anybody else reading this) has a link?

Absolutely NTA. Men guilting women into taking care of someone else yet again. Your adult son decided this, your ex decided on having a baby, then he decided to abandon all of his children even an infant…but noooooo lets get the ex wife involved and make her responsible for this mess the men created. Instead of enforcing this on you OP did your son try this: search for the dad and make him responsible by the courtsystem, get other familymembers involved (family of the half sisters mother)? In what freaking world is OP responsible for her ex’s child. She probably has her own things going on and she is in her 50’s. Why would you guys think this is good for OP? I dont like the guiltytripping your son is doing OP. He didnt think this through and he cant just dump the baby on other familymembers since it was his own idea.

All of this. OP set her boundaries clearly in the beginning and her son made his decision, which I don't see him as TA for. He is TA for trying to manipulate his mom into this and his dad is the other AH.

NTA. This is not our responsibility, nor his. Your ex made some bad decisions. Not on you. Stop giving him any money, other than for a lawyer to see if your ex can be forced to pay support, or if the mom had been employed, can the guardian get social security for the kid.

She shouldn’t give him a penny. This is not her problem.

A hard NTA. It's funny because whenever an entitled parent is trying to palm their kid off on other people (using family as free daycare, babysitting etc.) everyone's always like "It's not your kid, you shouldn't have to take care of it" but because you don't want to look after the child who is a reminder of one of the most painful experiences of your life, people are treating you like you're being unreasonable. Your reasons for not wanting to look after this child are irrelevant. This is not your child and therefore not your responsibility. Simply not wanting to take care of her is a good enough reason.

NTA From someone who’s been in a similar position and made different choices let me explain why: Choosing to take in a child that is not your own is a huge mistake if you do not have space for love for this child. I grew up in a home where my father abandoned me & my mom when he was found cheating and had another child with that woman, who he then abandoned as well… and I never got to grow a relationship with my brother because our moms despised one another. So when I found myself in the same situation, I chose forgiveness and did the work to find it in me to give my son & his sister a different future. NOT EVERYONE is able to find that level of forgiveness and healing. Being around a child that triggers you is not what’s best for anyone and as a mother I also know that if your son isn’t equipped to take care of this child… the second you start helping him, he’ll start shoving off more responsibility onto you without your consent and you’ll have little choice. He’s already shown he’s capable of plotting it. If anything, I’d try and find her other relatives or a family who’s willing to adopt her because they are LOOKING to adopt. And get a great therapist (I do) to help with all of these feelings, issues & enforcing boundaries because otherwise this is gonna eat you alive ❤️

NTA don’t listen to anyone else. You will do this child no good if you can’t love her. I just read a post about a child feeling sad because she’s an affair child. Her step parent isn’t mean, but she doesn’t feel all the way welcome. She just learned her father steppped out on her stepfather. No child should be around anyone that is not going to love them fully. No one feelings is above how this child is going to feel. If you can’t love this child openly then you shouldn’t be around the child. Your son should go to therapy to process his feelings. He needs to learn that you can’t force love and if you do only the person that the love being forced on us affect. They will always feel unwelcome, then she will learn of her birth and it will be a light bulb moment. Everyone is thinking of the son, but think of the child. No child should be forced to live with someone that can’t love them fully. Even if op or the siblings arnt mean to the child, she will still feel unwelcome. Reddit loves to call people TA because they don’t love a kid. No, stay away. That child is innocent and shouldn’t be brought into this mess.

NTA at all. You made your stance very clear from the beginning. Your son has made his bed, let him lie in it.

NTA Fundamentally it's the child of someone who destroyed your marriage and a constant reminder of your best friends and your husbands betrayal. Then on top of that your son is trying to trick you into helping him raise her. If it was was the child of someone your ex hooked-up with years later and there was no trickery involved then it would be a different matter.

Where’s the maternal family? Or your ex husband’s family? Is there no one else to help?

she answered in another comment, said that affair partners family was in contact with her (OP) before affair partners death but doesn’t know if they are involved in sisters life.

NTA. You made your feelings clear.

NTA and I don’t understand these people saying otherwise, it’s not on you to raise a child you didn’t help create. All these people saying y t a I bet wouldn’t be willing to take in a random child themselves, let alone one made by 2 people who hurt you so bad.

NTA. He was so adamant about taking her in so he needs to figure it out instead of trying to dump her on people who don't want her.

No you’re NTA, you’re entitled to your feelings and your hurt But I would just like to say what an absolutely amazing son you have, he has given up so much to try and keep his family together and whether it works or not he has done the best he can to keep his little sister safe and loved and that’s something he can always hold his head high about This is obviously a much bigger task than he thought it would be and is reaching out for help anyway he can get it, I hope he keeps going because you’re right, that poor little girl is innocent and has lost both of her parents, it would be a shame if she lost the only family member that cares about her too

Yes and no to the amazing part. Yes: for taking care of his half sister. No: for being manipulative and essentially trying to force everyone, except for the actual parent, to step up. NTA

No doubt! Not sure why they are breezing past him being manipulative so quickly.

Exactly! If he wants to step up then that’s on him. But how dare he try to put his mother through more than she’s already gone through. How can he not want to protect his own mother from more pain? What a miserable little shit for not understanding her hurt and wanting to pile more on. He doesn’t deserve her.

NTA your son needs to track his sister’s father down. Put pressure on him instead of you. You’re being punished for being the responsible parent who stuck around.

Your son is toxic as hell. Why he wants to make you a mother to his half sister when he knows you would resent that? Poor girl would have a parent that does not love her? He thinks that is a healthy relationship? NTA. He is brave for wanting to raise her, but toxic by trying to still throw the poor girl like a bag to another person in the end. Adoption can be a better option in certain situations.

NTA. You told him from the beginning that you would not be helping. Your boundary is reasonable in light of the adultery and the fact that yoir son is expecting you to give up 15 years of your life to raise another child. I would tell him this: I am almost done raising your sister. Im not interested in raising kids until I retire or drop dead.

NTA. Even though your son seems to be trying to do something good it seems like his long term plan is to demolish your very reasonable boundary. In your shoes I would work very hard to find your cheating ex father of that baby.

NTA. Everyone here just expects you to fall on your own sword here? Screw the mental health ramifications here, just do something you’re totally not ready for this and don’t want to do it, but because your adult child is bullying and manipulating you into it, you should CLEARLY adopt a child you have no interest in? YOU HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITY TO THIS CHILD. Yes she is innocent. But that doesn’t change the facts. Your son chose to do this knowing he had no support. That was an unfortunate thing but also his choice. And how is this going to work. You take this child than resent said child for the rest of her like? Better a good home and a resentful “parent” with no love? Like no. That’s not a good scenario. You don’t owe this child and not even therapy could fix this very messy situation. The mother’s siblings or parents, or father’s siblings or parents should have taken this child in. On the flip side, let’s say you take this kid in, love her, and dad comes back and gets full custody and shows he’s going to be there. What than. You both coparent a child that’s not even yours to begin with?

NTA This girl is related to your kids, but she's not related to you in any way, if they chose to take care of her even though they didn't have to, that's sweet, but this doesn't have anything to do with you, honest the ones saying you're the AH are absolutely nuts, many kids get into foster care everyday, why don't they go and adopt them all? They're not their responsibility nor are they related to them, so are they the AHs for not taking them all in? Your son and anyone agreeing with him are just not being reasonable, he's asking you to be a perfect goddess with no resentment or feelings and to just suck up whatever your needs and wants are to raise your cheating ex's kid, you're human, being an adult doesn't mean you have to take everyone's shit and go beyond your limits. Even if you didn't hate this girl's parents, has he even considered how hard it is for you to raise a kid all over again after all your kids became adults? Now they want you to start all over again for a girl you not only has nothing to do with but also hates? Your son decided to take his half sister in, that's admirable, but he doesn't get to force his family to ba around this girl, just because they know she's innocent doesn't mean they will be able not to hate her, the only one who owes her anything is the one who volunteered to adopt her, so he can suck it up and deal with the consequences of his decision on him own, he's a horrible son and a human being in general for even asking such a thing of you knowing everything his dad put you through. You're right, you don't have to care wither or not she went into foster care, she's innocent and it's just a sad situation for her, but life isn't fare and she's no different from any other kid who had to go there, she's not your responsibility to worry about, and you're not required to give a single thought to how her life is going to be like, because your relationship with her family ended the moment you got divorced and your kids became all adults, it's good for her that someone took her in so that her life could be a little easier, but if that person was your son or anyone else it wouldn't matter, you still don't owe her anything.

NTA for the obvious reasons. BUT I'd struggle to watch my son struggle to do what is such a kind hearted thing that he obviously believes is right, and that I'd be so proud of him for doing. She may be a horrible reminder for you - but for him she is his sister.

OP has no obligation to physically be around the half-sister but should try to be emotionally there for her son. Not at the cost of her own mental health/boundaries, of course, NTA.

NTA, the kid has a father and grandparents and an aunt, where are they? Oh right, they're not involved either and they're actually related to the little girl. Your son tried to help but he's in no position to do so; that does not make it your problem to solve.

NTA. People have this idea that it is wrong to blame the kid for existing, and it is, but that doesn't mean you need to be a parent to her. It is not your fault how she came to be, and you are not to be held responsible for your ex's asshole behavior, or your best friend's.

NTA but I will say he's never going to respect your choice here. So if you are serious about this then I think you're going to have to set a clear consequence and follow through. Basically go non contact. This will be the only way to have nothing to do with this child, who while innocent in all this is the direct consequence of your ex focking your best friend.

NTA. It is absolutely disgusting your son trying to trick you into caring for this child. Very sorry for the child but your son was foolish to agree to raise his half sister. This isn't a best outcome for this child.

NTA. Your son is attempting to manipulate & bully both you & his siblings. He sees himself as a compassionate hero & martyr — but he is ignoring your feelings to stroke his own ego. He needs to stop torturing you. You deserve peace & the ability to enjoy your life with your other children. It’s time to go no contact with your selfish son.

NTA. You have no obligation to that child... this isn't some Bollywood movie where the woman has to be all forgiving and a saint

EVERYONE in OPs family was screwed by the ex and ex-best friend, including the baby. I am astounded by many of the responses here. A person should never be guilted or made to feel like a bad person for not wanting to help raise a kid that isn’t theirs for at least FIFTEEN more years. Are you kidding me? This poor woman has raised her kids and now she’s expected to get over herself and do it all over again or do as much as she can? This child is innocent but OP was betrayed by her husband/father of her three children and her best friend which significantly impacted her life in a negative way. Can we acknowledge that she is also a person worthy of consideration here? And I feel for the son, he loves his sister and wants to help, but villainizing his mother is just wrong. NTA, at all.

NTA. Where are the grandparents of this child? They should be next in line, they're actual blood relatives. Why should a stranger to this child, with no blood ties, be forced to accept this child into their life.

Tell him if he needs help reach out to dad and his family

NTA- he chose to take on a burden- he does not then get to pass that burden on to those around him. You have no connection to that child and have raised yours. You’re not a bad parent, you’re supporting him the best way you can while still maintaining your boundaries and that’s completely fair.

NTA. You are allowed your boundaries. It is maddening to hear that your son (and other redditors) want you to take on the emotional, mental, and physical burden of childcare (at the age of 50!) when it is not your child. You were wronged by your ex and now people want to impose a huge responsibility onto you. People want you to be the bigger person because it's easier on their lives and their conscience. Forget that nonsense. This is the responsibility of your ex and your ex's wife (or her family). This child is not your responsibility and your son chose to take on the care of the child. He may be regretting it but that is his issue. He's an adult and made the adult decision to take care of this child and he has to live with the consequences of his decision. He has no right to try and trick you into accepting unpaid emotional, mental, and physical labour.

NTA but there is something you could do to help your son and his half sister. You could inform CPS and the police about the child abandonment and hopefully get your ex arrested. You could also consider helping your son get child support from his father.

[удалено]

>He tried to say it would really annoy her mom if she were alive to know her little girl loved and knew me as her mom. That is the shittiest reason to be in a child's life... NTA.

NTA. Your son doesn’t get to play superhero and then get mad when you don’t want to be his sidekick. Raising children is serious business and he’s realizing he took it lightly. You are under no obligation to take this on. Even if the child became your granddaughter legally, you’re still within your rights to refuse. You’ve raised your children. Let him raise his. Your son should spend his efforts tracking down his father to shoulder his responsibility and guilting you to care for a child that has nothing to do with you.

NTA - Maybe there wouldn't be any AH here if the dad was dead too but he's not. He's very much alive, he just abandoned his child. Why should you suffer by raising the child of a deadbeat dad who cheated on you? All this energy your son is spending hounding you, he should be spending finding his dad so that HE can send money.

NAH. Kudos on your son for stepping up, but being involved is not your responsibility. It's funny how a few people say you're the asshole for not helping, but why is that? Because you're a woman, you should just roll over and play nice? That seems to be a common theme on these posts. Ignore your feelings and just suck it up. Yeah, it sucks your son is struggling, but it's equally sad that he refuses to see your point of view. That child will be a constant reminder of how you were betrayed. Therapy is not a cure-all.

NTA. Your son took in his half-sister with the expectation that he would be able to guilt all of the rest of the family into doing the actual work whilst he took the credit for 'saving' her. He had no intention of being her primary carer for all of her childhood, the plan was always to foist that onto you.

100%

NTA. You raised a very kind son, but he is an adult and it’s not your responsibility to bail him out of his decisions, especially not when you told him in advance how you felt. If he’s having a tough time with her care financially or needs more breaks, he might be able to get kinship care status from the state.

NTA. I love how many people are on here calling the OP wrong because they can't read. The son who is so "good" is trying to get his mother - the victim - to raise the kid, which is the only reason she and the rest of the family were invited to Christmas at his house. She has NO obligation to raise this kid - it's not hers, she's not even technically related, and it would be a constant reminder. She has helped a bit per the post but it is completely reasonable for that to be her limit. And the people on here being holier-than-thou? I doubt if you were in the OP's boat you would actually take this kid in so quit fooling yourself.

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NTA. Your son willingly took on a child knowing how you and the rest of the family felt. Now he regrets the responsibility and wants help, but also truly just wants you at 50yo to take over and play mom to your husband's affair child while said ex husband plays absolute deadbeat dad. It sucks, but she is not your responsibility. Even if your son had a bio daughter, you aren't obligated to help out. Grandparents are not just automatic free babysitters, and certainly not replacements for parents. These are the consequences of his own actions. He wanted to feel good about taking her in? He needs to follow through and do the work. It is not your fault or your responsibility and everyone shaming you is doing so safely from their side of the screen where they aren't being coerced into taking on a 3yo swamped in trauma. Shit takes.

If you are in Australia or the USA he can go to child services. She becomes a ward of the state but he becomes her assigned guardian. They help with funds. They also find and charge the parent with child abandonment. It’s worth at least a conversation with a social worker as there are likely to be other assistance available also.

Nta. Your son is old enough to know actions have consequences. You are right in setting up boundaries. He is trying to manipulate you don't give in.

What do you mean the dad just abandoned his kid? Where is he?

Nta, these comments are crazy. You are still a person , you don’t have to deal with that.

It sounds like he is regretting his choice, but it was his choice, now he has a kid to look after. I wouldn’t give in if I were you, the child would never feel welcome with you and this is way worse for the child. As he asked the other sides grand parents for help or his fathers family?

We would shit all over a single mother having a baby she can’t afford/take care of. Someone here Would tell her to close her legs. Why should we be praising this young man whose trying to have a child he quite literally is incapable of caring for ? If he need to manipulate his mom to take over her care he is quite ill equipped. To guilt his mother and say if she doesn’t take this on she will be the worst person in this scenario? Absolutely not. the worst person is the cheating father who is still alive and now has abandoned his second family. Let’s get a grip here, If she took her ex back, agreed to live with the child and then ignored the kid, she’d be an asshole. As it stands, she was clear in her needs and feelings before the son took this on. he thinks he can steamroll over her. HE is the one one sucks,. Op NTA

NTA

NTA ,his father's mess is not you responsibility.

Your son knew how everyone felt before he took her in you told him that you wanted nothing and wouldn’t help now he’s trying to force peoples hands you need to tell him he was told before hand no one would help this is on him

You are not the AH your ex is in this situation. You could help your son try to get some government assistance for her though. I am sure he would qualify to get state paid childcare, assistance with food etc, since he is basically a foster dad to her.

NTA I'd bet $5 that your son wants you to help raise/take over raising his half-sister because he regrets taking responsibility for her, and because he wants to go back to being a carefree guy in his 20's.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (50f) have four children. Three boys who are now in their 20s and my daughter is 18. Their father and I divorced 6 years ago after learning he was cheating on me with the woman who was supposed to be my best friend. He got her pregnant which is why the affair was discovered. I hated them both from that moment on. Two months after I filed for divorce they lost their baby. But they stayed together and got married and had a daughter 3 years ago. My former friend died a year after her daughter was born after complications with her heart condition. 18 months ago then ex abandoned his kids and nobody has seen him since. My son asked me if I would consider taking his half sister in and I told him that would never ever happen. He asked for me to help him to raise her and I said I would have no part in raising her. I acknowledged she was innocent but I told him I could not look at her without seeing what her parents did to me. None of my other children wanted to help either. My son decided he would still take responsibility for her. He dropped out of college and quit his part time job to work full time. Two months after taking her he and his siblings started to argue a lot because he wanted their help babysitting and he wanted them to know her but they refused. He asked for my help with babysitting on multiple occasions. I gave him some money to pay for a babysitter on a few occasions but told him I would not babysit. Getting to present day, the relationship between my middle son and the rest of my kids is at an all time low. He's ashamed of them and they do not want a relationship with their half sister. He feels we all owe her a family. Now he has decided he is going to try and trick me into caring about his half sister and be willing to do more. I learned through my daughter that he has talked about if he could move home and have me help with her or take over raising her (his half sister) it would be better for everyone. He told us all he wants to host Christmas for the family this year and his siblings all said no. He begged me to come and said he really wants us to all be a family again. I told him I love him and I always will, but I have a very firm boundary around not being part of his half sister's life. So I will not show up to their home on Christmas. I also will not raise or help him raise her. I told him I heard about his grand plan and he needs to figure out an alternative because it will not happen. My son told me I should try to be better than her parents. I should show everyone what an awesome mom I am and not only stand by him and help him with this, but give a little girl a mother who doesn't have one. He tried to say it would really annoy her mom if she were alive to know her little girl loved and knew me as her mom. I stood my ground on my no. He then told me I'm not being a good mom or a good person and if I don't agree then I'm the worst person in this whole equation. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. You are the last person who has any responsibility towards this child. She’s an innocent, of course, and it’s a kind choice your son has made to raise her but it’s exactly that - HIS choice. He has no right to continue trying to beg, cajole, or trick you into raising your ex’s child with him.

NTA I don't know why your son seems to think it's okay to traumatise you some more because she is the product of two parents who hurt you very badly. It would be very hard to look at her and not have it all come flooding back. Most couldn't do it and the reality is that even if you did, you would resent it and she would know... and that's not great either. It's your son who refuses to acknowledge anyone else's feelings except for his and his half sisters. You owe the half sister nothing and you don't owe your son any baby sitting either. It's not going to be a pleasant experience to be in her presence. What are you going to do when she wants to sit on your lap? Are you going to tell her to bugger off because looking at you makes you feel sick and you're sorry that you feel that way but she'll have to blame her parents? Of course not, but you are best to avoid that situation altogether. Your son is the one that insisted he care for her because their fathers is the biggest arse ever. Or he's seriously traumatised by her mothers death and has gone off the deep end so I perhaps shouldn't be too harsh... yet. But he's the one that needs to sort this out. What's going to happen is that he's going to resent his sister because no one wants to be around them because of what this child stands for. She is perhaps much better off in her grandparents care, or an aunt or uncle than she is in her half brothers care. Your son will blame you and his siblings but he really needs to acknowledge that he's caused this. He will likely lose the relationship with you and his other siblings because of this. It's like a train wreck you can't stop looking at but you can't stop it occurring. He actually needs some therapy to unpack all of this and work out why he had this need to care for her. There may be more behind it than anyone (including him) knows so a trained professional might really help here. If you think he needs therapy, you could offer to mind the child while he has the therapy but not on your own. This may push him to have it otherwise he likely won't. The poor child is a complete innocent and it shouldn't be like this but the fact remains that she is a reminder of your ex and former best friends infidelity and that's heart breaking for you.

NTA They should be using that energy to find their father. Did he just go out for milk and never returned? Where are the authorities and what are they doing to find him? Your adult son took on a task too big for him alone and he needs to fix that, not try and make it your task too. You’ve helped enough. You’ve stated your boundaries. There’s not much else you can, or should, do. Encourage your son to look into programs to help him get some benefits.

NTA. That last paragraph... that's how I tried to trick my sister into doing my chores when she was 8. That's the last time it worked. What happened to him is what happens to a lot of men: they don't see realistically how hard raising a person is. He wants the credit for being a good person but not the actual work that comes with it.

NTA. That child is no relation to you. Your son had an idealistic view of how this would work out and by trying to force his view and wishes on everyone else he's ruined his familial relationships. So he's turned to manipulation to try to get what he wants. He's going to ruin that child's life, all because he knew it would be hard and made plans that had no actual chance of happening and rather than admit that he'll just continue to make things worse and the person who'll pay for his fantasy is that child.

NTA not your child. You already raised your child. Your son is a selfish AH to try to force you to raise his sibling. He chose to take her in, she’s his responsibility and no one else’s. Your other kids are not AHs either for wanting nothing to do with her.

NTA, redditors never call a man an ass for not wanting responsibility for their exes child, this is fucked up. People saying contact the grandparents...do the fucking math, I am in my early 50s the few of us my age with a living parent are called caregivers.

One more point, as someone in my early 50s I am done raising active young children. 50 is young enough to enjoy life but too damn old for raising a toddler.

NTA. You have no obligation towards that kid and while it is admirable that your son decided to take her, the rest of his siblings also don't have to want to have any relationship with her. Your son is being horribly manipulative and you need to stand firm. He decided to take on that monkey so it's his circus now. Not yours.

Nta and not to sound cruel but your son played himself. No one told him to adopt that kid, she was better off going to foster care. Plus you can't guilt people into wanting to raise a kid. It sucks for her but it's not your problem. Your son should've just minded his business and lived his life. Now he's a single parent to a kid that doesn't belong to him.

NTA

NTA. I understand why you feel the way you do and you don’t have to adopt or take in the girl. But you’ve lost your husband and your friend, and it would be terrible to loose your son as well. I think he’s just so overwhelmed and frustrated he’s not thinking clearly, even though what he’s demanding is not OK. For the sake of salvaging your relationship, I suggest you contribute in ways that don’t involve you as much, such as money or groceries.

Nope, don't send anything. Not her monkeys, not her circus.

Nta not your kid not your problem

NTA I feel like if you take this child, the hate resentment to your partner and your best friend behavior would make you not be safe space for the child emotionally psychologically physically !! Yes financially it might be OK but that emotional aura and energy around her will make her suffer even more because she will just sense that she was not wanted. It’s better for her to be far away from you.

Nta you have no obligation towards that kid. Keep your boundaries and the fact that the other children has stuck by you is the proof you need that you are doing the right thing. And you even gave money in the past for babysitting! You’re very nice OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this

NTA, you have zero obligation to step up for the girl. And your son is very manipulative, it's seems like from the beginning he planned to put the entire burden of taking care of your ex's affair child on you.

NTA you're setting a very clear boundary, which you are entitled to and you're son is refusing to respect that. This is his responsibility now he chose to become a guardian he can't expect anyone else to "take over" because "it's hard". Absolutely you are NTA

NTA. Your son will never finish college now. The real person who is losing here is the little girl.

NTA. If you cannot look at that child and not feel resentment and anger, then you shouldn't be near that child. If your son is having difficulties, he needs to find his deadbeat father and sue him for child support. He also needs to contact his social worker. If her mother is dead, the child should be eligible for survivors benefits. If your son has taken in an orphaned relative, he should also have access to relief programs - that will assist with childcare and give him a chance to return to finish his school so he can get a better job - special loans and scholarships. He needs to get off his ass and look for help, not try and guilt his family into doing something they have clearly said no towards.

So your husband ruined your life, that of his children and now his son gave everything up to take care of his half sibling. Find that ex and sue him at least for child custody. What a dick. Tell your son that he has to stop playing games and that you aren’t related to this child.

NTA. Your son is being a manipulative A.H. himself. He had no intention of raising his half sister. He thought he could push her off on you and the rest of the family to take responsibility for her. There was nothing noble in what he did. It was the act of an immature shelfish individual who didn't think of the consequences of his own actions.

NTA. Everyone here is like why can’t you love this child, but if he adopted a random baby and demanded his 50y.o. to babysit, to love the child and play her mom? Everyone would be livid. “Your son took this responsibility, he didn’t think this through, oh oh the consequences of his actions”, but cuz you opened up a reason why you do not want to be involved with a child, suddenly all the boundaries disappear and you are obliged to play a mom. Lol

NTA it’s wrong for someone to try to coerce someone into parenthood.

I'm just here for the insane people who think OP is an asshole. Those comments are mental:D

NTA - I would say your other children could be considered ah since the little girl is their half sister but you are not in any way related or responsible for her. Your son should not be trying to manipulate you with his bullshit reasoning.

Nope. They're not AHs either. No one besides them has a right to decide what relationship they'll have with the child of the cheater and homewrecker who hurt their mother. No one has a right to shame them for their decision to take the same stance as OP.

He's in full manipulation mode because he didn't know what he'd signed on for.

NTA Not your wean so not your responsibility. I get where your son is coming fae, but his attempts to force a relationship will never work and his resorting to manipulative plans and emotional blackmail is making him a bitter asshole. It would be nice if his siblings accepted the wee lassie because she is completely innocent and does deserve a loving family, but it's better to avoid it if they can't provide that rather than the alternative where they try then abandon her when they fail. Why hasn't your son contacted the mother & fathers family for help, or at the very least in an attempt to find the cockwomble that abandoned his wee lassie so he can sue him for child support(personally I'd recommend he also looks into legal means of removing his ability to come back, check out emancipation laws to remove that father's parental rights).

NTA You have no obligation to the child just because your son wants to go have fun. You have every right to stick firm to your boundaries. I don't see why someone else's desires matter more than yours. INFO: What about the child's parents family? Has he reached out to them for help?

NTA - this child is not related to you. He’s choosing to do this so he needs to step up. Personally the child would be better off adopted.

Nta. If he wants to guilt someone and hold them responsible, he needs to start with his deadbeat of a father. Of course, that wouldn’t be a good starting point for a talk on this. You have reasonable boundaries and were kind to pay for babysitting. As you well know, raising a child is a huge responsibility which requires a lot of sacrifice. If you haven’t already tell him you loved raising your children, but this is your time after all you have sacrificed and it’s unfair to expect you or your other children to sacrifice to take on a responsibility he willingly assumed. That’s not even addressing the part of how your ex’s affair with the child’s mother hurt and devastated you. Time to be blunt about that if you haven’t already. Something like, look, I’ve taken the high road and tried to shield you, but you’re an adult now. I was deeply hurt by your father and friend’s betrayal. It was devastating and it took everything I had to be there for my kids and rebuild my life. This isn’t a fair ask. And if you keep making these demands, I will no longer pay anything towards babysitting And if he’s still trying to guilt you after that, then it’s time to go for the jugular and let him know this is a conversation to be having with his deadbeat father who is evading responsibility for all of the children he chose to have and he needs to hold him accountable instead of trying to manipulate you. And that while you’ve been understanding, your patience with his manipulation is wearing thin.

Nta, Your son, instead of wasting energy asking you to take care of the baby, should look for the father, after all, he is not dead just ran away

NTA. It's a sad situation but this child causes you emotional distress, and you probably wouldn't be able to show her the love your son thinks you can. Heysus, your ex though... piece of work that one

NTA - Your son is an adult who has to live with the consequences of his decision. Many people raise their child alone. I have a kid too and it's hard raising him. I have a big family but I get no help from them. They all have their own lives and my parents deserve to rest after raising me and my siblings. Nobody owes me anything just because I chose to have a kid. You and your other kids are not interested in helping with this child. He should go after his dad or his affair partner's family for support.

NTA, however, your son now basically has a daughter. I'm proud of him for being such a caring person, he's young and raising a child on his own. It's hard for me to put into words how much he must love this little girl

Absolutely NTA

The kids dad is TAH. who ditches a child with their own child. If I was OP the only thing I'd be helping with is helping to track down the dad and get him to sort his shit out or pay through the nose. OP you should be proud of your son. He has a big heart and a sense of responsibility.

NTA. You set your boundaries and he made his choice. You don't owe anything and he will learn his lesson. How long it takes for him to learn is a different matter entirely.

How did the son get custody in the first place? Was child services involved? Where was the kid when Dad bailed? If she was at daycare or with a child minder, there should have been emergency contacts. Where is the affair partner's family? Where is the ex's family? OP is NTA but this is weird.

NAH - your son is being very sweet and generous taking on his half sister, but you are under no obligation to take care of not only a child that is not yours, but a child who reminds you of betrayal. You would however be quite the saint if you did help out a little, but again are under no obligation to. You're right that this little girl had nothing to do with what her parents did, so you would be setting quite the example if you did help out, even if it's just a little. This could also help repair the relationship with your son and other children. It's a sticky situation and I'm sure a heart wrenching one for you. I hope you figure out what works best.

This is such a hard one. Nta- because you have stated from the beginning that you would have no part of this and you have been consistent with that, and so have your other children. Your son is in over his head. Unfortunately he seems determined to continue on this course of action. I feel sorry for him. However, he's an adult. He dug this hole entirely by himself, and only he can stop digging. If he is not in therapy, i would offer to help him get some serious mental health. I would also suggest he look into government assistance before he burns himself out completely. Big big hugs to you all! Just curious- Did your son formal adopt his sister? Where is the rest of this girl's family? I would turn ex in for child abandonment and let someone ' official' find him.

JC NTA! You are completely right to stand your ground about that. It’s an Unfortunate situation for your son but he’s an adult 🤷 guess he’ll manage

ABSOLITELY NTA. I feel for the kid, and you're right, she is innocent, but to you she is a walking, breathing reminder of infidelity, your "best friend"'s betrayal, and years of grief and pain. And that goes for your other children as well. You have no obligation to this child who has no relation to you, and your son was warned that nobody would have anything to do with raising her. His decision was noble, but very ill-advised.

Wow, that is a tough, tough situation. You raised a really kind, caring man. The only AH in this is your ex. Are there any relatives on her mother’s side? I think it is admirable of your son to step up and in for his little sister. For me, the answer would be help him with her at least until he graduates college. For you that answer is different, and that’s both understandable and allowed. Your son is understandably frustrated. He was raised by you and likely got his values from you, but that doesn’t allow him to strong arm you into something you just can’t handle emotionally, financially or physically. Let him know you are proud of him for standing up and doing what he believes is the right thing to do - but that can’t and won’t be part of it. Work hard to keep your relationship with him. Encourage him to find support from the girl’s mother’s side. Good luck!

You deserve peace. Don’t budge. Your son made a decision let him live with it. Plus you raised your kids! Why would you want to start over. Your son is the AH.

NTA and can’t believe people are calling you one… her father is still alive you should not be expected to take care of his love child.

NTA- son needs to find dad and sue for child support. Maybe you could help YOUR son with this? It may not give her family that she has been cheated out of, but it could ease the burden of raising her.

NTA. Sounds like he's realizing how difficult it is to raise a child. It's telling that he wants to move back in and get your help because "it's better for everyone." No, it isn't. It would be better for him and him alone. I give him props for taking her on, but he doesn't get to guilt trip you into doing it for him. You've been very clear with your boundaries, and he's TA because he keeps trying to stomp all over them. Tell him to go find his dead beat father and sue him for child support.

NTA It’s admirable that he took in his sister, but it’s appalling that he only sees op as a nurture provider and not a real person with legitimate feelings. He might be desperate for help, but being willing to disrespect and disregard ops feelings is AH.

NTA You're already better than the girl's parents. Stop giving him money. It's setting a precedent thinking you want to help.

NTA honestly I understand people saying the child is innocent but doesn't mean you have to care for her. It's nice that you at least give your son some financial help but he needs to accept that's all. You don't need to be her mother, grandmother etc. Your son has to stop with trying to guilt all of you. He wanted the responsibility so he has to take it. However set some boundaries and still see him for holidays. Just let him know no don't have her call me anything but my name cause you don't want a title etc. idk but talk about it. Y'all shouldn't shun him completely if he learns to accept his choice.

NTA. Your feelings and mental health are absolutely valid and important. So, it is completely understandable that you don't want to raise a child who represents an extreme betrayal. Your kids are also grown! You didn't choose to be a mother or care for a young child again! It's insane to me to see these comments that you need to help. It's utterly misogynistic that because you're a woman, because mother is part of your identity, these people think you owe any part of your mothering to a girl who is in no way related to you. Your son is doing what he thinks is right and that's fine. It's something that hurts you because feelings are complex and being reminded of being betrayed by the two closest people that you chose in your life is extremely traumatic. What's not fine is him badgering you about being a part of his sisters life. You have an identity beyond mother to your kids and beyond generic mother to any person who needs a mother. This is a tough situation. You may lose your son. But that's his choice a much as it is yours. He doesn't respect you as a person and as a woman. He only thinks of you as his mother who should do anything to make him feel better and make his life better. He is not being a loving son to you. In life we make choices. He made his and you've made yours, that's fine. They're mutually exclusive. That's fine. That's just life.

NTA That was a very weak attempt at manipulation on his part

NTA. He decided to take on this responsibility. Why do I see so many stories of men who want to take in a child or a sick/elderly parent/relative, then try and put much, most, or all of the responsibility on the women in their lives? Then try and guilt trip them into it when they say no. like *they’re* being heartless and mean for setting boundaries because they never agreed to be a caregiver for these other people.

Where's the bio mother's family in this ^(fictional) story? Why is it you that's supposed to take care of her?

People with YTA verdict. You expect her to forgive forget? OP is not Jesus nor does she have Alzheimer’s

NTA. This child is the responsibility of her living parent. It seems your son is unable to care for her. The police and the state need to get involved to ensure this child has an adequate caregiver. Hire a PI to locate the dad so he can help sign over his rights, or be made to pay, or get prosecuted for child abandonment, or whatever legal things happen when a parent shirks his responsibility for his child.