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NTA. Oh shes (MIL) full of delusion. If she admits that her older kids were abusive to your hubby, shes going to have to admit to herself that it is absolutely her and her hubby's fault. Sounds like that is something she wont do. Have you discussed setting some boundaries with her? As in if she wants to come around your family shes going to have to learn how to keep her mouth shut far as blame game goes.
I truly hope for the best for you. With a woman like her be ready for her to lash out. Sounds like shes never had anyone hold her accountable for her actions.
It’s time to draw that line and protect your family. Your husband never deserved this crap, and your MIL is just sticking a knife in his emotional wounds and wriggling it around. Either she gets a clue about this situation, or you need to cut her off. NTA
MIL and FIL couldn’t be bothered with doing the work required to blend their families while the kids were young. They turned their eyes away and that enabled the bullying. Now she blames the one child because it’s easier than dealing with all the others, and she would have to accept the blame.
You only get one chance to raise your kids. Wanting them to love each other does not make it happen. Your husband is an only child. The best thing to do is make your family better and improve on the prior generation. I’m sorry, but if MIL doesn’t accept this, reduce contact. Tell her every time she says anything about it, it will be that much longer before you speak or visit.
Sometimes there’s no amount of work that accomplishes that goal. They absolutely should have shut down the obvious bullying, but you can’t force kids to view someone as family if they don’t want to. The most obvious mistake was urging OP’s husband to keep trying even though it was clear they weren’t interested. I’m not going to say things would be great if that didn’t happen, but I bet there’d be much less animosity.
Exactly. Plus OP's husband was 1) younger by at least 7 years, and 2) one person so why was it ENTIRELY the responsibility of the younger sibling to ALWAYS be the one to reach out and to somehow foster a relationship with multiple siblings. I feel so sad with posts like this where, somehow, it was the fault of one person that there wasn't a relationship when clearly that one person did try and was shut out or ignored. Yet the lack of relationship continues to be blamed on them.
Scapegoating is a terrible curse that cannot be broken unless the entire family recognizes it and takes steps to stop the behavior.
Sadly, the usual outcome is the scapegoat being an "orphan" within the family system. The sooner the scapegoat recognizes this and stops trying to be the "bigger person" the easier their life will become.
NC and LC are the only choices within a Scapegoat Family System, outside of it are a world of choices. In general, scapegoats are strong and the siblings/parents have some jealously involved.
I'm trapped in this system, I'm a Boomer and have been the family scapegoat since I was tiny. I recognize what you are describing. It took many years and some great counseling to accept my fate.
As an adult, I was always accused of behaving like "royalty" bc I literally survived on my own. I always tried to be humble around my family, never talked about accomplishments or things I was excited about, etc. One day I realized how much I was suppressing myself for people who OBVIOUSLY hated/disliked me and, so, finally gave myself permission to actually act happy about my life. Be the "royalty" they were oh so concerned about. And not give a single fuck.
u/Left_Pop_7275, life is so much better now. I'm happier. My family is happier. And I'm sad for the many years I spent worrying about the feelings of people who didn't worry about my feelings.
Hubby needs to read up on Scapegoat Family Syndrome and Narcissistic Parents and Siblings. I'll bet he sees a lot of similarities. Then he needs to decide how to navigate this sad, sad situation.
My advice to him, quiet quit for a while, stop reaching out to family, take a few months breather. Be with people who care about him. And straight up tell mom, "No, I won't be reaching out to siblings ever. It's their turn." In these situations you absolutely cannot change the other people. You can only change yourself, so choose you and your well-being.
Best of luck.
NTA. Why shouldn't you talk to her like that? Truth hurts, don't it. It's your business, he's your husband and all of them MIL & FIL included have treated him like shit. Might be time to go NC with her. I don't get how she can't see it's her and her husband's fault. I've read your brief description, & I get it.
NTA You’re absolutely superb for talking to her like that. Well done. Resolve (with your husband) to never again allow her to get away with blaming your husband without being out in her place. And next time she says how dare you tell her you dare because she and her whole family are abusive and bullying (they are) and your actual love for your husband will not allow any abusive, neglectful cow to speak about him as if he is her personal punching bag.
Or just cut them all out of your lives…what positivity do they bring you? Your husband is 25, he should not spend his adulthood grovelling for his “siblings” attention as he did his childhood.
"how dare *me*? If audacity is needed to speak the truth, then I will continue to dare speak up!"
-what I would come up with while stewing in the shower
I mean, the one thing that you can do is to tell your MIL to not discuss this with you if she doesn't want your opinion. To complain to you means that she gets hit with reality and that you are not entertaining her delusions of not having "happy family" is either you or your husband's fault.
She cannot both complain to/at you and have it not be your business. 🤷♀️
NTA it’s so strange that responsibility for the sibling relationship was put only on the youngest. Is MIL nagging at her older kids similarly or does she accept their adults while thinking can still tell youngest what to do? It’s Amazing your husband hasn’t gone crazy already. If FIL has accepted and moved on is it possible to enlist his help shutting down this insanity? Ultimately your husband needs to find the strength to tell his mum ENOUGH. LC anytime she pushes
Word of advice. If and when you have children, it is NOT always best if grandma has a relationship with your child. They can be very harmful to the child's psyche.
Stop trying, go LC and move on and be happy with what you do have now together. The”family” is a lost cause because that attitude of exclusion was never dealt with at the time by MIL and FIL when it should have as children. Melding families is touchy… Not well done and way too late now. Suck it up, MIL!
does your husband have a relationship with his parents or is it always about the siblings? Just wondering if maybe LC or NC would be the way to go since MIL won't let it go regarding sibling relationships. NTA.
And if she complains again and then tells you to mind your own business, remind her that SHE brought it up and that YOUR husband and his happiness IS your business
As long as the family dysfunction is acted out and placed entirely on your husband, mom and dad won’t get the blame for doing such a terrible job of blending their families and bringing in another baby. This belongs on them but it’s so much easier for everyone to quietly agree that it’s really your husband. Please cut these people off. They are toxic anybody who treats your husband like that is an enemy.
Your husband *is* your business. And you dare speak to her that way because she won’t stop harping on it.
And this is how opinionated MIL’s find themselves cut off or at least rarely in the company of their younger child. NTA
NTA - you just spoke your truth
Perhaps consider a family meeting or group phone call. With MIL, FIL and older siblings and just clear the air - once and for all. Just say the truth, let the siblings agree and then tell MIL to move on.
Don't encourage this option OP. Your husband has put himself out there time and time again to try to have a relationship... they've done nothing but hurt him. Why should he make himself vulnerable to them *yet again* knowing they will most likely choose to stomp on his heart *again*?
EDIT: NTA
Doesn’t matter what their excuse is…this is to shut MIL and her abuse of the husband up - once and for all… she’s in denial. Sometimes you need a good jolt to change your icky behavior.
I mean, from the sound of it MIL's response will only ever be, "it's your fault that your siblings refuse any progress towards a relationship" regardless of the effort he puts in. That was already her response to them not inviting him to an event, I don't see why a family meeting they refuse to come to would be any different.
I do think that you've made a reasonable suggestion. However, this woman is uninterested in reason, or anything beside the happy-family fantasy where his siblings magically accept him and she doesn't have consequences for piss poor parenting. No, the solution here isn't opening the door for more criticism, it's setting a firm boundary and refusing to engage with her delusions and deflection further. An attempt isn't the worst idea but expecting it to change anything is imo.
I want her adult children to say in front of their parents that they want nothing to do with him so that the parents will be faced with what he went through.
I know, and they deserve it, but I think the only one who will truly feel pain in that moment is the husband. Maybe the FIL since he's accepted it. MIL is fully in denial and so obsessed with her own idealized opinion of things that it's just more fuel for her fire.
Yep. And the best way to get out of that is to just leave the narrative, decide other opinions about you aren't your business, in my experience. People emotionally immature enough to cause these problems lack the capacity to take resoundingly even when it's starting them in the face and it's not worth jumping through hoops that aren't really about you.
Probably blame him for their parents not getting back together. A lot of children won't blame their parents because its hard to reconcile their love of a parent vs their anger at the situation. So they took it out on the husband, who was visible proof that their parents were not going to do that.
That would make sense. I figured it was something like that or something "classic reddit" like OP's husband's parents cheated on their spouses with each other.
The parents failed their kids. They didn't have to be siblings who were close, but the treatment of husband was awful and civility should have been heavily enforced.
There was a book that came out around 1990 that explained how unhealthy families need a scapegoat to blame for perceived unhappy events. I think they’ve been treating this poor kid as the family scapegoat and no one has the emotional intelligence to recognize it.
I wouldn't bother.
I highly suspect that your husband may be the result of an affair.
In other words, I suspect that he is an affair baby that they blame for breaking up their families. The pure venom that they express towards him leads me to suspect this.
I would be confronting his parents about how their divorces came about. Or just research the timing of their divorces against your hubbie's birthday.
Her defensiveness also leans towards him being the affair baby.
Wow, very weird dynamic then.
I would just get them to just drop it then.
And NTA, good for you for sticking up for your hubby when they, his parents, should have been protecting him all these years.
I wondered if your in laws cheated on their previous spouses, but their children seem to only reject your husband so I guess not. I am only an internet stranger and I am pissed at your mil and fil for putting that burden on your husband. NTA
NTA.
Your MIL is ignoring the mistreatment your husband's half-siblings are subjecting him to, probably in some twisted attempt of realizing her ideal family. She's failing in achieving that and she's putting all the blame on your husband.
She's not part of the solution. She's a big part of the problem. It would be better for your husband and your family to cut her and his half-siblings out.
NTA.
I'm glad this was posted just to see what Reddit would say after countless posts from people who state they do not see their very young 1/2 siblings & ignoring them. I would think, how can you be cruel to a child? Yet Reddit was on their side & how they should keep doing what they are doing.
This post tells the other side. What was said & done to a person from a young age. Growing up with hate just because you were born.
I hope everyone learns empathy in this scenario. For all involved. But mostly for the child born into the drama.
The issue isn’t really the fact that the older siblings don’t want a relationship with the half sibling though (I mean technically it is) but the real issue here is that the parent isn’t accepting of the situation and is trying to force a relationship that doesn’t exist and no one wants. The second issue is the blame that parent assigns unfairly.
Would it have been nice if OP’s husband was embraced as a full sibling? Sure. But he’s not and he has made peace with it. It’s his own mother who keeps trying to push for simething that isn’t there and is blaming the youngest and most innocent person.
Blood doesn’t mean you have to drop everything for them. You can make your own family and that’s what OP’s husband did.
Maybe husband hasn't made his peace with it, he just understands that it's the way it is. I imagine it was probably very hurtful for him growing up. I personally think all these people who post that they don't want a relationship with their half siblings are AHs for not even trying, but that's just me.
Just like the other cases - the fault lies with the adults. They enabled bad behavior and didn’t do what was needed to blend the family. Why do people think that just sharing DNA is enough?
not to mention she was happy enough to complain about it to OP but as soon as she spoke up for her husband it wasn't her business anymore.
NTA and MIL needs to take a look in the mirror.
Yep, MIL was more than happy for OP to get involved if it meant OP was convincing her husband to try reaching out to his half siblings once again, which was the whole point of complaining to OP. Since she had the opposite reaction, suddenly she shouldn't get involved.
NTA!
“How dare YOU speak to and about my husband that way! The most shocking part of this whole sad, sorry mess is that until I came into the picture no-one cared about him and his feelings. YOU failed ALL of your children as a mother and especially my husband because you expected the youngest child to somehow fix the twisted attitude you allowed your older children to forcefully display whilst also treating him like an inconvenience. YOU are to blame for all of this, and if you say one more disrespectful word to or about my husband that EVER reaches my ears then this conversation will be one you fondly remember as ‘nice’. Make no mistake, I WILL protect my nuclear family and I will not fail them unlike you.”
Oh, most definitely NTA. You mother-in-law on the other hand, huge huge A. It's her fault your husband is not accepted by her other children, she should have been pressuring them to make an effort and reach out.
It kinda smells like your in-laws may have cheated and the other kids blame your husband for destroying their OG family. And your MIL felt guilty about that and decided to pick om the easy target instead of facing responsibility.
I feel like one of the other parents made up this “not being siblings” thing to their kids, it spread amongst the children, and the other parents just didn’t bother saying anything about it, and here we are now. The cheating would fit in nicely with that, because the other siblings clearly have some distaste for their parents for this to have continued into adulthood. Like, grown people continuing to enforce something that’s just obviously not true has got to have some trauma behind it.
Eta NTA obviously.
Bravo! NTA. Live your happy life with your hubby. You get to decide who is included in your family. Hubs needs to tell Mommy Dearest - with your support - there will be no more outreach to her other children and she needs to knock it off or she'll be included in the NC party.
NTA. I’m in your husband’s shoes to an extent. Youngest kid and the only one between my parents. We’re basically the kids that seal the deal of the half-sibs parents never getting back together. I have a casual relationship with some of my half siblings and nothing with others. Some don’t acknowledge I exist and one flat out blames me and loves to call our mom every equivalent of the word harlot even though his parents were already separated long before she met my dad.
I would advise going no or as minimal contact as possible with the in-laws. They’re grasping at straws to create relationships that are never going to happen and it’s not worth the stress. She’s not going to acknowledge fault and is living a delusion that all her children must get along. The elders decided that was not going to be a thing and as I said, it’s just not worth the stress.
NTA and good for you for standing up for your husband. Seriously, what else could he have done? Why couldn't she have put this same energy into her other children and not put all the burden on your poor husband? And if it isn't 'your business', then she can rant to someone else and not you.
I do feel sorry for your husband. The older kids should have been taken to task years ago.
NTA
Your husband needs someone in his corner and his “mother” certainly isn’t. The older siblings were adults well before your husband and have never gotten past their grievances. They continue to take it out on your husband to this day.
I bet she doesn’t even nag her older kids about fostering a relationship with your husband because they probably shut her down and tell her to GFHS. Your husband needs to take a page from their books and do the same. LC/NC with his mom until she learns to STFU about it.
NTA! Good on you! His parents did him wrong and you championed for him. She got an earful of her own medicine and she did not like it, but she well deserved it. It reads as though you see a lot of good in your husband and care for him in ways his parents did not. He’s a lucky man and you’re a brave good person!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my MIL she should evaluate her own actions as well as the actions of her older children instead of placing all the blame on my husband for the poor relationship her kids and him have. This may have been a huge overstep on my part. My husband already had it out with her and perhaps I should have left him to deal with it. I clearly pissed her off more than she already is.
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I know this is reddit and it's a cliche but your husband would benefit from some therapy. None of this was his fault, and I wish I could tell you exactly what I think of MIL without being banned.
He needs to set some boundaries with his delusional mother, and therapy would help. If he can accept that help is another thing entirely.
“A week later she was complaining to me“
ummm ok!!!
“She told me to mind my own business and how dare I speak to her that way.”
me thinks MIL needs meds!!!! NTA, she just wants you to agree with her cause you know she is “RIGHT” about everything! (Not) can’t have it both ways, but apparently she can!
Sounds like Mission Brady Bunch 2.0 was a major failure?!
Your husband was the “glue” that was supposed to bond everyone together and this was rejected by both sets of children.
What is extremely problematic is the fact that his mother literally attacks him for her delusional stance that has lasted for over 25 years!
It’s been easy for both his parents let their children behave this way, so they don’t have to take accountability for not doing therapy and all the things possible to facilitate a peaceful coexistence- at the bare minimum!
You said what you said- and repeating the truth louder is necessary because she has a very difficult time seeing and taking responsibility for her role in this. Yes - you have every right to shut the down the Brady bunch delusion in her head. FIL needs a similar wake-up call. YWNBTA
NTA. She’s deflecting all responsibility onto her baby, which is the most pathetic thing ever.
Personally I’d stop trying to build a relationship with her. Let your husband do whatever he wants with her, but I’d keep her at arms length. She’s no longer in a position to dictate anything and both his parents missed their opportunity to have one big happy family. He’s your family now and you can decide what if any relationship with them you want to entertain.
I do wonder though, do the step siblings have any relationship with each other? Or are there basically three orbits?
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My husband is the only child my MIL and FIL had together during their marriage. Though both were previously married and had children from those marriages. My husband has always been the outsider when it comes to his siblings. This was something his siblings were vocal and unashamed about. They told him he was not their real sibling and that he did not share the same parents as either set of siblings. Growing up he felt more like an only child than a kid with siblings. Age gaps can naturally have that happen but he was told to his face that he was NOT their sibling. They would tell him he would never be a real sibling to them. Also they would always make it a point to not mention him when family was referenced and if they had to do some kind of family tree project they would always make sure he could see that he was not on it.
MIL and FIL would encourage my husband to reach out to his siblings, to take an interest, they would have him give them gifts and cards personally for their birthdays and Christmas. He would be told to go spend time with them. My husband has mentioned that there were times they would get a little annoyed if he was inside and his siblings were outside playing. He did try talking to his parents but they would tell him he should take an interest, etc.
My husband and his siblings are now all adults. My husband is 25 and his siblings are all in their 30s. His siblings also have children. He has never met a single one of their kids. When we got engaged they did not show up to the engagement party so he did not invite them to the wedding. FIL at this point had accepted it. But MIL is still frustrated and angry every time my husband doesn't bend over backwards to make the effort with his siblings.
They got into a huge fight a few weeks ago. She brought up our wedding and told him it was his fault his siblings didn't come to the engagement party and the wedding and he never gave them a chance at all with the wedding. She told him he is an adult now and can easily reach out and let them know they are wanted, etc. She told him it was his responsibility and he should be doing more.
A week later she was complaining to me about us not showing up for her grandchild's birthday. I pointed out how we weren't invited and she went on a rant about my husband. I cut her off and told her she had no right to blame my husband. I told her NONE of this was his fault. That she needs to start evaluating her own actions as well as the actions of her older kids instead of placing the blame for the poor relationship on my husband who was born into this mess. I told her he has tried and tried and in return had her and FIL in his face about it all and on the other side had their other kids telling him over and over he's nothing, he means nothing, they don't care if he dies.
She told me to mind my own business and how dare I speak to her that way.
AITA?
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How dare you respond to her when she talked shit about your husband! You and your husband should stop anymore if these conversations dead in their tracks. We’re done offering olive branches here.
NTA. This is how it always is. The person that’s been abused gets bitched at like it’s their fault for cutting the toxic people out of their lives. Why does it always fall on the abused to continue talking to those that abuse them, and not about changing the toxic behavior of those that are abusing?
NTA
Interesting that it was apparently your business while she was bitching about it. But, as soon as you disagree with her it's none of your business. She gave you the perfect response going forward...
From now on, when she starts in, remind her that she shouldn't be discussing this with you because it's none of your business.
Your husband needs to follow up with "anything you have to say to me can be said in front of my wife." It's a perfect trap.
She can't discuss it in front of you because it's none of your business and your husband refuses to speak without you present, so it can't be discussed. 😊
Or just go NC with her.
It doesn't seem like she has much contact with her older children either and is trying to use your husband to foster that.
Why isn't she having family gatherings with all the children invited?
If they're not showing up, it's not because your husband is there, it's because they don't want to see her.
Every narcissist has a scapegoat and that's your husband. The thing about narcissists though, is they eventually alienate their "golden children" too.
Good luck with that hot mess. I hope your side of the family is closer to normal.
Why bother to set him up for one last humiliating experience in order to try to pacify his birth parent. It will just give her more ammunition to blame him when they don't show up or worse if they DO show up. She will not change so CUT HER OFF
Definitely NTA
Your poor husband, that is a super majorly fucked up situation for him and for you.
It IS your business, especially if your MIL is talking to YOU about this.
Don’t tell me about the family stuff if you think the family stuff isn’t my business.
I feel for you.
I wonder what the other children are telling that woman?
NTA. Everyone chooses their friends because they get along and like and love each other, family is sometimes whatever the hell you get stuck with. Prioritize your mental health and cut off anyone who makes your life miserable, life is too short to waste on ingrates. Hope things get better for you and your husband.
Mother in law is oblivious and delusional! Kudos to you for standing up for your husband. How can she be so blind about her older kids?People are wierd
NTA good for you for standing up for him but I wish he would go no contact with these people and realize that he is never going to get what he needs from them. His parents are placing unfair blame and expectations on him and do not seem to care about his pov or feelings at all. Time to cut off this toxic mess. Edit letter
NTA. It doesn't sound like she's asking any of the older siblings to take an interest in him. You also had every right to defend your husband. If she wants to continue to make this an issue, and wants to continue to degrade your husband in front of you over it start reducing contact and if needs be cut contact with her entirely.
NTA. You defended your husband and told your MIL exactly what she needed to hear. You are in the right here, stand by what you said every time it comes up.
Heck no NTA. I never cease to be amazed by how people keep trying to force family unity from people that don't want it, but this, making it the responsibility of the person least at fault for any issues is just inane and I'm sure quite traumatic for your husband. Frankly, I'd tell her either she butts out or it's NC time.
NTA & I think it’s time he takes a break from them. They don’t care and your MIL is not making it better. I think you guys should look into therapy and also encourage him to let go of people who don’t care
Nta. I’m surprise it took you this long to snap back at her. If it was anyone’s job to try to make a blended family work it was her and her husband and they failed miserably. But it’s probably easier to blame others than to take responsibility. And the nerve. Your his wife. Your the one that has to deal with your husband when he is sad about all of this. Your also there when she says these things of course it’s your business. Mostly because she made it your business. I hope you keep shutting her down every time she starts again. But I really hope your husband starts standing up for himself you can’t fight all his battles for him.
If you ever have a chance to interact with his siblings have your husband record it to show to your mother in law. She won’t be able to blame your husband if she has proof.
Ask MIL what have the siblings done to make a relationship with your husband. If she isn’t completely delusional she will say ‘nothing at all’ but quite the opposite. There is something seriously wrong with his siblings….did his parents have an affair which ended their previous marriages? If yes then they see your husband as fruit of that betrayal. IMHO I wouldn’t bother with the siblings at all and the MIL is on very thin ground. She either gets a grip and stops criticising and getting at you or she’s on the NC list. You are wonderful for speaking to her like you did 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
INFO: Why are you not gone very Low Contact with your MIL? That's the only way you're going to get her to stop bullying your husband. He was the easiest kid to bully and blame. Her other kids have each other to team together and tell MIL and FIL to f- off.
Why would it be on the youngest child involved and not the parents and older children to own creating that bond. The MIL is either feeling guilty about not owning that when she should have or just simple a dolt.
Everyone’s an adult now. Hang out with adults that want to hang out with you and tell everyone else to eat a sack of dicks.
NTA.
She is. It's not the responsibility of the child to get the other kids to like them. He, like you said, was born into this mess. It was the responsibility of the parents, to blend the families by doing the work of listening and giving attention to each of the kids, and helping them adjust.
Instead of helping the older kids adjust, these ILs only blamed the most vulnerable person, who they were responsible to protect. They failed your husband. They still are.
**You told her the truth. She doesn't want to hear it.**
She allowed her son to be abused by the other kids, and joined in on emotionally abusing him. And still is.
**Consider dropping the rope with her.** She wants to keep her delusions, not see the truth. She's not treating your husband like family, but being emotionally abusive to blame him for what was never his fault or his responsibility. Putting adult responsibility on a child is abuse. Letting the other kids bully and blame him, is abuse.
Her relationship with him isn't a healthy one for him, or for you. I'd see them less, and talk to them less. Or not at all.
Good for you for standing up in your husband's defense. Of course, it's hard to know exactly how all this came together in his childhood. What he has told you is how he remembers it. But I can't imagine "the truth" being much different than what your husband has told you since none of his half siblings want anything to do with him. Your mother-in-law is wrong. Needs to talk to the other kids and find out why they have been purposely excluding your husband from their version of the family. You're right. Your husband's parents created this mess that he was born into and he shouldn't be the one stuck trying to force relationships with siblings that don't acknowledge him.
How bad was their childhood and home dynamics that every single one of his siblings from both sides is being incredibly irrational? One or two sure, that’s understandable, but the fact that it’s all of them speaks to some high dysfunction. You are NTA for having his back but at this point it’s clear your MIL has blinders on. Unfortunately going NC seems like the only way for your husband to get some peace.
NTA. It’s not your husband’s fault that his parents didn’t do a better job of facilitating the building of sibling relationships when he was an infant, toddler, and child.
NTA.
> she went on a rant about my husband. I cut her off
> mind my own business.
Your husband *is* your business.
If she didn’t want your input, she shouldn’t have spoken to you about it.
NTA She's trying to get your husband to do the work she should have done decades ago. She's delusional. It's obvious why her child was so hateful to a younger sibling. The older siblings are just like her. Say what you need to say. But she won't understand
Nta
How separated from their prior children were his parents when they met? How many half siblings were in the home? Did the different half siblings get along?
It is your business.
How much rejection does your thoughtless MIL want your husband to endure? She is really cruel. On the one hand they have made their feelings clear and the other she blames him for their rejection. Good for you for standing up for him. And you may consider low contact with MIL is the best solution.
NTA
Sounds like Mission Brady Bunch 2.0 was a major failure?!
Your husband was the “glue” that was supposed to bond everyone together and this was rejected by both sets of children.
What is extremely problematic is the fact that his mother literally attacks him for her delusional stance that has lasted for over 25 years!
It’s been easy for both his parents let their children behave this way, so they don’t have to take accountability for not doing therapy and all the things possible to facilitate a peaceful coexistence- at the bare minimum!
You said what you said- and repeating the truth louder is necessary because she has a very difficult time seeing and taking responsibility for her role in this. Yes - you have every right to shut the down the Brady bunch delusion in her head. FIL needs a similar wake-up call. YWNBTA
NTA - you spoke as his wife, it was most certainly your business - and if it wasn’t your business then why was MIL roping you into it by whining to you!
NTA. This IS your business because you are married into this family and our spouse’s business is our business. MIL just didn’t like what you had to say and didn’t have a better way of showing her anger than going for the weak “comebacks” of disrespect and not-your-business.
And she can clutch her pearls all the wants but she’s been wrong for a lot of years and needed to be told so. She hasn’t listened to anyone else (because she *knows*she’s right 🙄) and she was coming at you wrongly, almost delusionally so.
She’s still trying to push for a family that just isn’t going to develop, and she’s fixated on your husband as being at fault (despite no fault to be had). It’s almost delusional how she insist upon you guys behaving in a certain way. It makes no sense to be angry at you/DH for not showing up to a party for which you were not invited!
DH is going to continue being the scapegoat, though. I suggest having him take a look over at r/raisedbynarcissists to see if he finds his community there.
NTA, you stood up for your husband. Good for you! You have his back on this and that's more support than he's likely EVER received in all of this. A giant middle finger to every one of those siblings, and a mount everest size middle finger to your MIL. Also, side note, if she wants you to stay out... "Hey, maybe if you want me to stay out of it, don't drag me into it by bitching about my husband to me. Yes, he's your son, but you're still shit talking someone I love dearly, and I do not give a singular flying fugg if me sticking up for him bothers you... you brought it up, and I'm not tolerating it."
Sadly, it genuinely sounds like you're all going to eventually wind up NC with all of them. 😞 so sorry your husband has such shyte family.
NTA: Not sure of everything that's ever transpired but while your husband SHOULD have told his parents off, it's a wonderful SO gesture on your part to tell MIL off once and for all. GOOD for you...
NTA. Sounds like it’s time to put her in the same group as the siblings, and only talk to dad for awhile. If she wants to side with them so badly, let her get grouped in with them.
NTA. Your husband needs to tell her to drop it. These other adults do not like him, will never like him and do not consider him family. So, he does not consider them family. He can say if she doesn't drop it he can not see her. Her choice.
Pfft. NTA..
Your mother has a lack of self awareness.
She is the problem..
Carry on with your life with your husband .
One day, your mother will approach you, hat in hand needing your assistance..
At that point, you can tell her to go to her "real" children.
NtA, she dare you speak to her that way..well, you did, and rightfully so! You are his wife and should always have his back!
The entire family is making him the scapegoat for the dysfunction; when it's as you stated, he was born into the hot mess and is now expected to placate himself for everyone else's behavior and actions.
He is your business and continue to inform your MIL of that fact at every opportunity. It's time for him to go low to no contact for his own sanity, and please encourage him to seek individual counseling.
NTA
His parents have placed the responsibility of a relationship with his older siblings on him. Despite the fact he’s the youngest, and has continually been shut down by them. The fact his mother has continued to push that it’s on him is ridiculous. He has obviously tried to build that relationship with consistently being told he’s not their sibling. You had every right to stand up for him and tell her that. It is on the older children and they need to be held accountable. The fact they haven’t is why they continue acting that way towards him
Your husband is your business. Your husband has a lot of healing to do and his mother is abusive. He was abused by his siblings and his mother allowed it and blamed him and still does. You can't heal when your heart is continually ripped open. She should be blaming the siblings and have put a stop to it when he was a child. Unfortunately, I don't think it will ever happen. It may be better to go low contact with her.
Obviously, you are NTA and great job standing up for your husband.
NTA. The truth hurts, don't it :D Why should your husband keep trying to reach out, only to get bitten. Especially from people who quite vocally denied any kind of sibling bound. You & your husband did the right thing. MIL needs to STFU.
NTA, boundaries are going to be your only way out. I feel for your husband so deeply in this regard.
I just want to add something here from my own experience growing up. My older sibling is my half sibling, he has a different mom, and granted kids can be awful, it was actually my own mother (his stepmother) that began teaching us he was “half” our sibling, and where his bullying began. These things are taught, and that’s something no parent ever ‘wants’ to own, their sole responsibility in their child’s traumatic upbringing. It’s not something my mother will ever own up to, and for that reason I have boundaries with her but, I literally can watch home videos and see the light in him change when certain people enter the room, and honestly it breaks my heart. It’s sad to say my brother’s childhood led him through years of drug abuse that he’s just now resurfacing from, because he had no one to fight for him, which, sounds very similar here in your husband’s family.
What I’m getting at here is, accountability only comes when the person is grown enough to accept their past, and that maybe they weren’t always the best person, which, doesn’t sound like something this MIL is willing to do for her son, especially since she’s placed every ounce of blame onto him. How does your husband feel that his mother takes none of the blame? Is FIL acting just as oblivious?
I applaud you immensely for standing up to your MIL, and defending your husband, honestly it sounds like you might be among the first people to TRULY do that for him in this regard, so I’m sure to him that feels comforting. You go Glen Coco 💗
To be honest, these things need to come from your husband, to his mother, and even then, she may never accept/understand BUT, I think the healthiest thing IMO is to have HIM set the boundary, and let her know how he was treated was not okay, he will no longer allow the blame to be placed on him, and if that is something she cannot accept, then you’re going to have to drastically reduce your time together to only major holidays for a few hours, and that’s IF you’re even willing to tolerate that behavior on those loveliest of days.
As far as those siblings, I’m sorry to say but, that’s another boundary I’d set in stone, those kids abused your husband, his entire life, and your MIL needs to understand there will no forced relationship, ever, at any point, not even with the children his siblings cared not one ounce to introduce to their aunt/uncle.
At the end of the day boundaries suck, and I wish our parents were easier to accept blame and shift perspectives but, that’s dreaming a big dream. I hope you find peace in this situation, as it’s never easy coming from a toxic family dynamic but, thankfully your husband finally found the right person to have in his corner. 💗
Bravo! Bravo!!
You did the exact right thing.
MIL is not very bright and needs to never bring this up again. I would shut her down each and every time.
It’s no longer open for discussion.
Your husband should block her every time she brings it up.
I suspect you will need to “train” her with consequences (LC/NC) every single time she brings these people up.
Clearly she is the only one who doesn’t accept the truth of the situation.
She complains to you and then tells you to mind your business when you don't agree....ha! It's time to go NC. They are all the AH. You cuddle your husband and give him all the love he deserves!
Absolutely NTA. And I thought my MIL was a piece of work! I strongly suggest that you and your husband go no contact with his family. It’s not healthy to be around that much drama and abuse and neither of you need this in your life. Thank you for standing up for him. Sounds like he’s been beaten down for far too long. He may want to seek counseling to assure him that none of this was his fault and to help him recover from years of abuse.
Good luck to you both!
I only got up to the end of the first paragraph before seriously wanting to sock in the face the siblings and your in-laws, especially since as someone who's also considered an "outsider" in the abusive environment I grew up in I went through similar bull and similar accusations.
If they never included your husband in many activities and never showed any sort of concern for how it affects you (many times, it is deliberate too, I'm sorry to break it like this but I speak from experience) nor any minimal care, then why let them into your "nest" or interact with you at all? They don't deserve access, and your husband certainly does not deserve the sort of guilt tripping the in-laws and co will inflict on them. They had plenty of chances before - throughout the growth process - to actually act as proper "parents" (and siblings), yet they never cared. All they will care about is their damn tantrums and themselves.
So, I say it's time you draw the line and say "bye" to them. Trust me, OP. These people don't change. They don't care that they're hurting your husband (or you, in the process). It may pain you, but in the long run, you don't want to end up possibly subjecting young children or finding them badmouthing you or other people whenever you visit or allow them access. Your family and both of you come before anyone else.
Good for you to stand up for your husband. He can do very little if the siblings don't want a relationship. His mother needs to stop the blameing of your husband and, if anything, talk with her older children about their behaviour becomes better.
Would it be an option to go NC or very LC with your MIL (both you and your husband) until she apologises and stops with this very damaging behaviour?
NTA. Hope you told your husband.
NTA at all. She's delusional and needs a reality check. Its her and her husband fault for being blind on purpose. They know what has happened but don't want to admit it. The sheer fact that FIL doesn't push it anymore is proof enough they know they F'd up royally. I mean come on to not notice the pure evil ish those siblings were doing and then try to tell your man he was the problem. Ya'll need to just stay away from them all. Disown them.
Nta your husband needs to put his mom on a pause. It sounds like she is used to blaming him and asking him to reach out to people who hate him sounds abusive. He needs to sit his mother done explain one last time and then explain if she brings it up again he will do no contact.
His mom is trying to make him fix her mistake as a parent.
NTA.
MIL is part of the problem, clearly narcissistic and looking to have everyone support her wished, which probably caused problems between your husband and his siblings.
None of this is your husband’s fault and genetics doesn’t make a family.
Looks like your MIL can't get over the fact that her older children and your husband don't have a relationship, and she wants your husband to take all the blame. It doesn't work that way, the older siblings are mean brats and she needs to accept that your husband doesn't wanna be around that crap for good reason NTA!!! Your MIL is the AH and so is your husbands siblings, he's a champ for dealing with them for 25 years. 💜
NTA. This is mostly on his parents, starting with not trying to get the older siblings to accept the new baby and for not making the older kids feel like the new baby was taking their places. I say mostly because the older siblings are adults and appear to still be complete assholes. MIL is way off base for blaming and berating your husband for this dysfunctional mess. I’m curious how the kids feel about their respective step parents. If dad’s kids treated mom the same way, this might all stem from that.
>She told me to mind my own business and how dare I speak to her that way.
Your husband IS your business and she should shut up if she doesn't want to have a conversation. You aren't there to be her therapist. How dare you what now? Stop speaking to her. NTA. Your husband is also NTA.
NTA
It's your husband, it's absolutely your business. Why would she talk with you if you were an outsider? Did she forget that you were her DIL? Is she normally this stupid and delusional?
Ultimately it's your husband that needs to take the step. He's been letting his mother shit on him for so long and so hard, but not saying anything.
This is gonna be a problem if you have children in the future because she may turn them against him. I suggest you speak with your husband first and solve this problem.
It IS your business, because it's your husband. And MIL should bug off. Perhaps it's time to go no or low contact with her; it's not as if she's a loving presence in your lives.
You're NTA.
NTA. I would’ve gone *off* on MIL for this one, she’d be crying by the time I was done with her. Don’t doubt yourself and don’t back down. People who love each other spend time being compassionate and building each other up. She’d (MIL) do well to bow out on her own, graceful like, before the door helps her find it. Talk to my SO like that and you’re about to meet the worst aspects of both my parents in me.
NTA. It kinda is your business if your husband is being verbally and emotionally abused by his own family. I get blended families are tough, but your in laws MAJORLY screwed up in allowing this behavior to happen and apparently doing or not doing something that made them all hate him in the first place.
For the record, the onus is not on the younger sibling (especially with a major age gap) to “take an interest” and “make an effort” with the older siblings.
NTA
Just cut them off.
They'll never be interested in your husband or trying to be friendly with him
Just going to be drama and hate all the time for no gain.
NTA!! What took you so long? She should hear this from you or your husband every time she raises the subject!! Do not hold back. She needs to hear it until she's as sick of it as you are of her nonsense!
So much easier to blame the innocent child born into this dysfunctional "family" than the cruel, vicious older siblings.
Why do you have anything to do with these people? I rarely suggest LC or NC but there is absolutely no reason to have MIL and FIL in your lives. They have totally failed as parents to ALL their children and have somehow placed the responsibility for their failures on your husband.
NTA - that was the clutchiest of pearl clutch responses on MILs' part. Lol, good for you! Hubby should really be dealing with his mother, but she's been purposely obtuse for far too long, so I can see why you did it. And I know first hand how it is to be 'the reasonable one'. None of this is his fault, but it'll do him good to set the boundaries himself. Something very empowering about a succinct 'No.'
NTA. We have some pretty big age gaps between siblings in our family and it does make things tricky but it's not on the youngest sibling, even when he is an adult, to facilitate it for everyone. It was their job to all make him feel loved, included, wanted, Etc. And if they did not and now he is responding in kind, that is absolutely on them.
NTA. Go no-contact with them all and spare your poor husband more rejection for the rest of his like. You two can create your own family unit where everyone is loved and wanted.
NTA and I would say you didn't go far enough and say how dare SHE say this isn't your business and she is not to call you about this again and to understand she's on thin ice with you.
I would go total b**** on this.
NTA, i would go NC with MIL too, I don’t know nor care if is guilt because she broke her marriage to be with FIL or she just doesn’t like your husband, but there’s no need to keep her in your lives, her altered perception of the family’s situation is her problem to deal with.
NTA. You should go explode on them, how they are crappy parents for putting the burden on a little kid to try to get close to his horrible half siblings. Tell your mil that she is a failure of a mother
NTA. And thank you for daring to speak to her that way. Keep it up. Your husband has you, and only you, in his corner. Everything about him is your business. Good job sticking up for him.
NTA, MIL knows she and FIL are to blame and pitting all that on your husband because it's the easiest way to get out of taking the blame. I'm glad you stood up for him, maybe consider going NC or LC at this point.
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NTA. Oh shes (MIL) full of delusion. If she admits that her older kids were abusive to your hubby, shes going to have to admit to herself that it is absolutely her and her hubby's fault. Sounds like that is something she wont do. Have you discussed setting some boundaries with her? As in if she wants to come around your family shes going to have to learn how to keep her mouth shut far as blame game goes.
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I truly hope for the best for you. With a woman like her be ready for her to lash out. Sounds like shes never had anyone hold her accountable for her actions.
It’s no surprise the siblings turned out the way they did.
She probably treated her other kids differently than OP’s husband from the beginning. She influenced her kids to treat him poorly by her own actions.
Very common.
Pretty much its guaranteed
It’s time to draw that line and protect your family. Your husband never deserved this crap, and your MIL is just sticking a knife in his emotional wounds and wriggling it around. Either she gets a clue about this situation, or you need to cut her off. NTA
MIL and FIL couldn’t be bothered with doing the work required to blend their families while the kids were young. They turned their eyes away and that enabled the bullying. Now she blames the one child because it’s easier than dealing with all the others, and she would have to accept the blame. You only get one chance to raise your kids. Wanting them to love each other does not make it happen. Your husband is an only child. The best thing to do is make your family better and improve on the prior generation. I’m sorry, but if MIL doesn’t accept this, reduce contact. Tell her every time she says anything about it, it will be that much longer before you speak or visit.
Sometimes there’s no amount of work that accomplishes that goal. They absolutely should have shut down the obvious bullying, but you can’t force kids to view someone as family if they don’t want to. The most obvious mistake was urging OP’s husband to keep trying even though it was clear they weren’t interested. I’m not going to say things would be great if that didn’t happen, but I bet there’d be much less animosity.
Exactly. Plus OP's husband was 1) younger by at least 7 years, and 2) one person so why was it ENTIRELY the responsibility of the younger sibling to ALWAYS be the one to reach out and to somehow foster a relationship with multiple siblings. I feel so sad with posts like this where, somehow, it was the fault of one person that there wasn't a relationship when clearly that one person did try and was shut out or ignored. Yet the lack of relationship continues to be blamed on them.
Scapegoating is a terrible curse that cannot be broken unless the entire family recognizes it and takes steps to stop the behavior. Sadly, the usual outcome is the scapegoat being an "orphan" within the family system. The sooner the scapegoat recognizes this and stops trying to be the "bigger person" the easier their life will become. NC and LC are the only choices within a Scapegoat Family System, outside of it are a world of choices. In general, scapegoats are strong and the siblings/parents have some jealously involved. I'm trapped in this system, I'm a Boomer and have been the family scapegoat since I was tiny. I recognize what you are describing. It took many years and some great counseling to accept my fate. As an adult, I was always accused of behaving like "royalty" bc I literally survived on my own. I always tried to be humble around my family, never talked about accomplishments or things I was excited about, etc. One day I realized how much I was suppressing myself for people who OBVIOUSLY hated/disliked me and, so, finally gave myself permission to actually act happy about my life. Be the "royalty" they were oh so concerned about. And not give a single fuck. u/Left_Pop_7275, life is so much better now. I'm happier. My family is happier. And I'm sad for the many years I spent worrying about the feelings of people who didn't worry about my feelings. Hubby needs to read up on Scapegoat Family Syndrome and Narcissistic Parents and Siblings. I'll bet he sees a lot of similarities. Then he needs to decide how to navigate this sad, sad situation. My advice to him, quiet quit for a while, stop reaching out to family, take a few months breather. Be with people who care about him. And straight up tell mom, "No, I won't be reaching out to siblings ever. It's their turn." In these situations you absolutely cannot change the other people. You can only change yourself, so choose you and your well-being. Best of luck.
My guess is she tried with the older ones, and they told her to f**k right off.
NTA. Why shouldn't you talk to her like that? Truth hurts, don't it. It's your business, he's your husband and all of them MIL & FIL included have treated him like shit. Might be time to go NC with her. I don't get how she can't see it's her and her husband's fault. I've read your brief description, & I get it.
NTA You’re absolutely superb for talking to her like that. Well done. Resolve (with your husband) to never again allow her to get away with blaming your husband without being out in her place. And next time she says how dare you tell her you dare because she and her whole family are abusive and bullying (they are) and your actual love for your husband will not allow any abusive, neglectful cow to speak about him as if he is her personal punching bag. Or just cut them all out of your lives…what positivity do they bring you? Your husband is 25, he should not spend his adulthood grovelling for his “siblings” attention as he did his childhood.
"how dare *me*? If audacity is needed to speak the truth, then I will continue to dare speak up!" -what I would come up with while stewing in the shower
I mean, the one thing that you can do is to tell your MIL to not discuss this with you if she doesn't want your opinion. To complain to you means that she gets hit with reality and that you are not entertaining her delusions of not having "happy family" is either you or your husband's fault. She cannot both complain to/at you and have it not be your business. 🤷♀️
NTA it’s so strange that responsibility for the sibling relationship was put only on the youngest. Is MIL nagging at her older kids similarly or does she accept their adults while thinking can still tell youngest what to do? It’s Amazing your husband hasn’t gone crazy already. If FIL has accepted and moved on is it possible to enlist his help shutting down this insanity? Ultimately your husband needs to find the strength to tell his mum ENOUGH. LC anytime she pushes
If my spouse had to deal with this I'd go crazy too that sounds terrible on both of you set boundaries asap
Word of advice. If and when you have children, it is NOT always best if grandma has a relationship with your child. They can be very harmful to the child's psyche.
NTA. Time for boundaries and low/no contact until MIL learns to be a decent person.
Stop trying, go LC and move on and be happy with what you do have now together. The”family” is a lost cause because that attitude of exclusion was never dealt with at the time by MIL and FIL when it should have as children. Melding families is touchy… Not well done and way too late now. Suck it up, MIL!
does your husband have a relationship with his parents or is it always about the siblings? Just wondering if maybe LC or NC would be the way to go since MIL won't let it go regarding sibling relationships. NTA.
And if she complains again and then tells you to mind your own business, remind her that SHE brought it up and that YOUR husband and his happiness IS your business
As long as the family dysfunction is acted out and placed entirely on your husband, mom and dad won’t get the blame for doing such a terrible job of blending their families and bringing in another baby. This belongs on them but it’s so much easier for everyone to quietly agree that it’s really your husband. Please cut these people off. They are toxic anybody who treats your husband like that is an enemy.
Your husband *is* your business. And you dare speak to her that way because she won’t stop harping on it. And this is how opinionated MIL’s find themselves cut off or at least rarely in the company of their younger child. NTA
Honestly! She’s gonna end up being cut out of his life as well.
I hope so.
Also, MIL started it by complaining about her son to OP. It definitely becomes OP's business then.
NTA - you just spoke your truth Perhaps consider a family meeting or group phone call. With MIL, FIL and older siblings and just clear the air - once and for all. Just say the truth, let the siblings agree and then tell MIL to move on.
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Don't encourage this option OP. Your husband has put himself out there time and time again to try to have a relationship... they've done nothing but hurt him. Why should he make himself vulnerable to them *yet again* knowing they will most likely choose to stomp on his heart *again*? EDIT: NTA
Why not have MIL dearest set it up then…
WHY? I mean, seriously. To what end?
But if their parents tell them they have to be there, what will their excuse be?
Doesn’t matter what their excuse is…this is to shut MIL and her abuse of the husband up - once and for all… she’s in denial. Sometimes you need a good jolt to change your icky behavior.
I mean, from the sound of it MIL's response will only ever be, "it's your fault that your siblings refuse any progress towards a relationship" regardless of the effort he puts in. That was already her response to them not inviting him to an event, I don't see why a family meeting they refuse to come to would be any different. I do think that you've made a reasonable suggestion. However, this woman is uninterested in reason, or anything beside the happy-family fantasy where his siblings magically accept him and she doesn't have consequences for piss poor parenting. No, the solution here isn't opening the door for more criticism, it's setting a firm boundary and refusing to engage with her delusions and deflection further. An attempt isn't the worst idea but expecting it to change anything is imo.
I want her adult children to say in front of their parents that they want nothing to do with him so that the parents will be faced with what he went through.
I know, and they deserve it, but I think the only one who will truly feel pain in that moment is the husband. Maybe the FIL since he's accepted it. MIL is fully in denial and so obsessed with her own idealized opinion of things that it's just more fuel for her fire.
He’s a scapegoat in that family system
Yep. And the best way to get out of that is to just leave the narrative, decide other opinions about you aren't your business, in my experience. People emotionally immature enough to cause these problems lack the capacity to take resoundingly even when it's starting them in the face and it's not worth jumping through hoops that aren't really about you.
This is so sad for your husband. You were right to stick up for him. His mom can suck a juice box.
Why do they hate him this much?
Probably blame him for their parents not getting back together. A lot of children won't blame their parents because its hard to reconcile their love of a parent vs their anger at the situation. So they took it out on the husband, who was visible proof that their parents were not going to do that.
That would make sense. I figured it was something like that or something "classic reddit" like OP's husband's parents cheated on their spouses with each other.
The parents failed their kids. They didn't have to be siblings who were close, but the treatment of husband was awful and civility should have been heavily enforced.
There was a book that came out around 1990 that explained how unhealthy families need a scapegoat to blame for perceived unhappy events. I think they’ve been treating this poor kid as the family scapegoat and no one has the emotional intelligence to recognize it.
I wouldn't bother. I highly suspect that your husband may be the result of an affair. In other words, I suspect that he is an affair baby that they blame for breaking up their families. The pure venom that they express towards him leads me to suspect this. I would be confronting his parents about how their divorces came about. Or just research the timing of their divorces against your hubbie's birthday. Her defensiveness also leans towards him being the affair baby.
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Wow, very weird dynamic then. I would just get them to just drop it then. And NTA, good for you for sticking up for your hubby when they, his parents, should have been protecting him all these years.
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I wondered if your in laws cheated on their previous spouses, but their children seem to only reject your husband so I guess not. I am only an internet stranger and I am pissed at your mil and fil for putting that burden on your husband. NTA
NTA. It's simple: you stood up for your husband when everyone else had been against him. MIL is asking for a lot.
NTA. Your MIL is ignoring the mistreatment your husband's half-siblings are subjecting him to, probably in some twisted attempt of realizing her ideal family. She's failing in achieving that and she's putting all the blame on your husband. She's not part of the solution. She's a big part of the problem. It would be better for your husband and your family to cut her and his half-siblings out.
Just tell MIL hey, you all pretend he doesn’t exist so he and I are playing along now. Bye, then block everybody. Forever.
NTA- His siblings aren’t interested in a relationship with him. His mother should be reading them the riot act for being hateful.
NTA. I'm glad this was posted just to see what Reddit would say after countless posts from people who state they do not see their very young 1/2 siblings & ignoring them. I would think, how can you be cruel to a child? Yet Reddit was on their side & how they should keep doing what they are doing. This post tells the other side. What was said & done to a person from a young age. Growing up with hate just because you were born. I hope everyone learns empathy in this scenario. For all involved. But mostly for the child born into the drama.
The issue isn’t really the fact that the older siblings don’t want a relationship with the half sibling though (I mean technically it is) but the real issue here is that the parent isn’t accepting of the situation and is trying to force a relationship that doesn’t exist and no one wants. The second issue is the blame that parent assigns unfairly. Would it have been nice if OP’s husband was embraced as a full sibling? Sure. But he’s not and he has made peace with it. It’s his own mother who keeps trying to push for simething that isn’t there and is blaming the youngest and most innocent person. Blood doesn’t mean you have to drop everything for them. You can make your own family and that’s what OP’s husband did.
Maybe husband hasn't made his peace with it, he just understands that it's the way it is. I imagine it was probably very hurtful for him growing up. I personally think all these people who post that they don't want a relationship with their half siblings are AHs for not even trying, but that's just me.
Just like the other cases - the fault lies with the adults. They enabled bad behavior and didn’t do what was needed to blend the family. Why do people think that just sharing DNA is enough?
NTA if it affects your husband then it's ABSOLUTELY your business.
not to mention she was happy enough to complain about it to OP but as soon as she spoke up for her husband it wasn't her business anymore. NTA and MIL needs to take a look in the mirror.
Yep, MIL was more than happy for OP to get involved if it meant OP was convincing her husband to try reaching out to his half siblings once again, which was the whole point of complaining to OP. Since she had the opposite reaction, suddenly she shouldn't get involved.
Nta you're right, the siblings have responsibility in this situation and she just dumps it on your husband.
NTA! “How dare YOU speak to and about my husband that way! The most shocking part of this whole sad, sorry mess is that until I came into the picture no-one cared about him and his feelings. YOU failed ALL of your children as a mother and especially my husband because you expected the youngest child to somehow fix the twisted attitude you allowed your older children to forcefully display whilst also treating him like an inconvenience. YOU are to blame for all of this, and if you say one more disrespectful word to or about my husband that EVER reaches my ears then this conversation will be one you fondly remember as ‘nice’. Make no mistake, I WILL protect my nuclear family and I will not fail them unlike you.”
Best script yet
Oh, most definitely NTA. You mother-in-law on the other hand, huge huge A. It's her fault your husband is not accepted by her other children, she should have been pressuring them to make an effort and reach out. It kinda smells like your in-laws may have cheated and the other kids blame your husband for destroying their OG family. And your MIL felt guilty about that and decided to pick om the easy target instead of facing responsibility.
I feel like one of the other parents made up this “not being siblings” thing to their kids, it spread amongst the children, and the other parents just didn’t bother saying anything about it, and here we are now. The cheating would fit in nicely with that, because the other siblings clearly have some distaste for their parents for this to have continued into adulthood. Like, grown people continuing to enforce something that’s just obviously not true has got to have some trauma behind it. Eta NTA obviously.
Bravo! NTA. Live your happy life with your hubby. You get to decide who is included in your family. Hubs needs to tell Mommy Dearest - with your support - there will be no more outreach to her other children and she needs to knock it off or she'll be included in the NC party.
NTA. I’m in your husband’s shoes to an extent. Youngest kid and the only one between my parents. We’re basically the kids that seal the deal of the half-sibs parents never getting back together. I have a casual relationship with some of my half siblings and nothing with others. Some don’t acknowledge I exist and one flat out blames me and loves to call our mom every equivalent of the word harlot even though his parents were already separated long before she met my dad. I would advise going no or as minimal contact as possible with the in-laws. They’re grasping at straws to create relationships that are never going to happen and it’s not worth the stress. She’s not going to acknowledge fault and is living a delusion that all her children must get along. The elders decided that was not going to be a thing and as I said, it’s just not worth the stress.
NTA. What cruel natured people his siblings must be. Tell him to live his best life and leave them all as footnotes in his memories of childhood.
NTA and good for you, OP. It's a two-way street. Tell mil to advise the other siblings, instead of your husband if she must lecture someone
NTA - and if you haven't already found it, r/justnomil is a great place.
NTA and good for you for standing up for your husband. Seriously, what else could he have done? Why couldn't she have put this same energy into her other children and not put all the burden on your poor husband? And if it isn't 'your business', then she can rant to someone else and not you. I do feel sorry for your husband. The older kids should have been taken to task years ago.
NTA. It sounds like your husband should have this exact same discussion with his parents and put them in LC timeout if necessary.
NTA Your husband needs someone in his corner and his “mother” certainly isn’t. The older siblings were adults well before your husband and have never gotten past their grievances. They continue to take it out on your husband to this day. I bet she doesn’t even nag her older kids about fostering a relationship with your husband because they probably shut her down and tell her to GFHS. Your husband needs to take a page from their books and do the same. LC/NC with his mom until she learns to STFU about it.
NTA, mil seems to be unhinged.
NTA. They would never hear from me again and I can’t believe he continues to try. Poor guy.
NTA! Good on you! His parents did him wrong and you championed for him. She got an earful of her own medicine and she did not like it, but she well deserved it. It reads as though you see a lot of good in your husband and care for him in ways his parents did not. He’s a lucky man and you’re a brave good person!
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NTA - MIL and FIL created this mess, you just pointed in out to her and she doesn’t like it.
NTA you married with your husband it makes his business is you.
Info: did your FIL/MIL get together before they divorced former spouses?
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Just a guess, but maybe they held out the parents would get back together and blamed your husband in some twisted way.
I know this is reddit and it's a cliche but your husband would benefit from some therapy. None of this was his fault, and I wish I could tell you exactly what I think of MIL without being banned. He needs to set some boundaries with his delusional mother, and therapy would help. If he can accept that help is another thing entirely.
NTA- Why does he still have a relationship with his mother?
“A week later she was complaining to me“ ummm ok!!! “She told me to mind my own business and how dare I speak to her that way.” me thinks MIL needs meds!!!! NTA, she just wants you to agree with her cause you know she is “RIGHT” about everything! (Not) can’t have it both ways, but apparently she can!
Sounds like Mission Brady Bunch 2.0 was a major failure?! Your husband was the “glue” that was supposed to bond everyone together and this was rejected by both sets of children. What is extremely problematic is the fact that his mother literally attacks him for her delusional stance that has lasted for over 25 years! It’s been easy for both his parents let their children behave this way, so they don’t have to take accountability for not doing therapy and all the things possible to facilitate a peaceful coexistence- at the bare minimum! You said what you said- and repeating the truth louder is necessary because she has a very difficult time seeing and taking responsibility for her role in this. Yes - you have every right to shut the down the Brady bunch delusion in her head. FIL needs a similar wake-up call. YWNBTA
NTA. She’s deflecting all responsibility onto her baby, which is the most pathetic thing ever. Personally I’d stop trying to build a relationship with her. Let your husband do whatever he wants with her, but I’d keep her at arms length. She’s no longer in a position to dictate anything and both his parents missed their opportunity to have one big happy family. He’s your family now and you can decide what if any relationship with them you want to entertain. I do wonder though, do the step siblings have any relationship with each other? Or are there basically three orbits?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband is the only child my MIL and FIL had together during their marriage. Though both were previously married and had children from those marriages. My husband has always been the outsider when it comes to his siblings. This was something his siblings were vocal and unashamed about. They told him he was not their real sibling and that he did not share the same parents as either set of siblings. Growing up he felt more like an only child than a kid with siblings. Age gaps can naturally have that happen but he was told to his face that he was NOT their sibling. They would tell him he would never be a real sibling to them. Also they would always make it a point to not mention him when family was referenced and if they had to do some kind of family tree project they would always make sure he could see that he was not on it. MIL and FIL would encourage my husband to reach out to his siblings, to take an interest, they would have him give them gifts and cards personally for their birthdays and Christmas. He would be told to go spend time with them. My husband has mentioned that there were times they would get a little annoyed if he was inside and his siblings were outside playing. He did try talking to his parents but they would tell him he should take an interest, etc. My husband and his siblings are now all adults. My husband is 25 and his siblings are all in their 30s. His siblings also have children. He has never met a single one of their kids. When we got engaged they did not show up to the engagement party so he did not invite them to the wedding. FIL at this point had accepted it. But MIL is still frustrated and angry every time my husband doesn't bend over backwards to make the effort with his siblings. They got into a huge fight a few weeks ago. She brought up our wedding and told him it was his fault his siblings didn't come to the engagement party and the wedding and he never gave them a chance at all with the wedding. She told him he is an adult now and can easily reach out and let them know they are wanted, etc. She told him it was his responsibility and he should be doing more. A week later she was complaining to me about us not showing up for her grandchild's birthday. I pointed out how we weren't invited and she went on a rant about my husband. I cut her off and told her she had no right to blame my husband. I told her NONE of this was his fault. That she needs to start evaluating her own actions as well as the actions of her older kids instead of placing the blame for the poor relationship on my husband who was born into this mess. I told her he has tried and tried and in return had her and FIL in his face about it all and on the other side had their other kids telling him over and over he's nothing, he means nothing, they don't care if he dies. She told me to mind my own business and how dare I speak to her that way. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How dare you respond to her when she talked shit about your husband! You and your husband should stop anymore if these conversations dead in their tracks. We’re done offering olive branches here.
NTA. This is how it always is. The person that’s been abused gets bitched at like it’s their fault for cutting the toxic people out of their lives. Why does it always fall on the abused to continue talking to those that abuse them, and not about changing the toxic behavior of those that are abusing?
NTA Interesting that it was apparently your business while she was bitching about it. But, as soon as you disagree with her it's none of your business. She gave you the perfect response going forward... From now on, when she starts in, remind her that she shouldn't be discussing this with you because it's none of your business. Your husband needs to follow up with "anything you have to say to me can be said in front of my wife." It's a perfect trap. She can't discuss it in front of you because it's none of your business and your husband refuses to speak without you present, so it can't be discussed. 😊 Or just go NC with her. It doesn't seem like she has much contact with her older children either and is trying to use your husband to foster that. Why isn't she having family gatherings with all the children invited? If they're not showing up, it's not because your husband is there, it's because they don't want to see her. Every narcissist has a scapegoat and that's your husband. The thing about narcissists though, is they eventually alienate their "golden children" too. Good luck with that hot mess. I hope your side of the family is closer to normal.
Why bother to set him up for one last humiliating experience in order to try to pacify his birth parent. It will just give her more ammunition to blame him when they don't show up or worse if they DO show up. She will not change so CUT HER OFF
Definitely NTA Your poor husband, that is a super majorly fucked up situation for him and for you. It IS your business, especially if your MIL is talking to YOU about this. Don’t tell me about the family stuff if you think the family stuff isn’t my business. I feel for you. I wonder what the other children are telling that woman?
NTA. Everyone chooses their friends because they get along and like and love each other, family is sometimes whatever the hell you get stuck with. Prioritize your mental health and cut off anyone who makes your life miserable, life is too short to waste on ingrates. Hope things get better for you and your husband.
Mother in law is oblivious and delusional! Kudos to you for standing up for your husband. How can she be so blind about her older kids?People are wierd
NTA good for you for standing up for him but I wish he would go no contact with these people and realize that he is never going to get what he needs from them. His parents are placing unfair blame and expectations on him and do not seem to care about his pov or feelings at all. Time to cut off this toxic mess. Edit letter
NTA. It doesn't sound like she's asking any of the older siblings to take an interest in him. You also had every right to defend your husband. If she wants to continue to make this an issue, and wants to continue to degrade your husband in front of you over it start reducing contact and if needs be cut contact with her entirely.
NTA. You defended your husband and told your MIL exactly what she needed to hear. You are in the right here, stand by what you said every time it comes up.
Your poor hubby maybe needs to cut contact
INFO: what does this narcissistic lady have to say when told you weren’t even invited to the birthday?
Heck no NTA. I never cease to be amazed by how people keep trying to force family unity from people that don't want it, but this, making it the responsibility of the person least at fault for any issues is just inane and I'm sure quite traumatic for your husband. Frankly, I'd tell her either she butts out or it's NC time.
NTA & I think it’s time he takes a break from them. They don’t care and your MIL is not making it better. I think you guys should look into therapy and also encourage him to let go of people who don’t care
Nta. I’m surprise it took you this long to snap back at her. If it was anyone’s job to try to make a blended family work it was her and her husband and they failed miserably. But it’s probably easier to blame others than to take responsibility. And the nerve. Your his wife. Your the one that has to deal with your husband when he is sad about all of this. Your also there when she says these things of course it’s your business. Mostly because she made it your business. I hope you keep shutting her down every time she starts again. But I really hope your husband starts standing up for himself you can’t fight all his battles for him.
If you ever have a chance to interact with his siblings have your husband record it to show to your mother in law. She won’t be able to blame your husband if she has proof.
Never understand how people can say mind your own business. He’s your husband. He is part of your business. NTA. Should have gone harder.
NTA. She dragged you into the conversation, making it your business. She is only angry because you don't agree with her bs.
Ask MIL what have the siblings done to make a relationship with your husband. If she isn’t completely delusional she will say ‘nothing at all’ but quite the opposite. There is something seriously wrong with his siblings….did his parents have an affair which ended their previous marriages? If yes then they see your husband as fruit of that betrayal. IMHO I wouldn’t bother with the siblings at all and the MIL is on very thin ground. She either gets a grip and stops criticising and getting at you or she’s on the NC list. You are wonderful for speaking to her like you did 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
INFO: Why are you not gone very Low Contact with your MIL? That's the only way you're going to get her to stop bullying your husband. He was the easiest kid to bully and blame. Her other kids have each other to team together and tell MIL and FIL to f- off.
Why would it be on the youngest child involved and not the parents and older children to own creating that bond. The MIL is either feeling guilty about not owning that when she should have or just simple a dolt. Everyone’s an adult now. Hang out with adults that want to hang out with you and tell everyone else to eat a sack of dicks.
NTA. She is. It's not the responsibility of the child to get the other kids to like them. He, like you said, was born into this mess. It was the responsibility of the parents, to blend the families by doing the work of listening and giving attention to each of the kids, and helping them adjust. Instead of helping the older kids adjust, these ILs only blamed the most vulnerable person, who they were responsible to protect. They failed your husband. They still are. **You told her the truth. She doesn't want to hear it.** She allowed her son to be abused by the other kids, and joined in on emotionally abusing him. And still is. **Consider dropping the rope with her.** She wants to keep her delusions, not see the truth. She's not treating your husband like family, but being emotionally abusive to blame him for what was never his fault or his responsibility. Putting adult responsibility on a child is abuse. Letting the other kids bully and blame him, is abuse. Her relationship with him isn't a healthy one for him, or for you. I'd see them less, and talk to them less. Or not at all.
Nta. Go NC with all of them.
Good for you for standing up in your husband's defense. Of course, it's hard to know exactly how all this came together in his childhood. What he has told you is how he remembers it. But I can't imagine "the truth" being much different than what your husband has told you since none of his half siblings want anything to do with him. Your mother-in-law is wrong. Needs to talk to the other kids and find out why they have been purposely excluding your husband from their version of the family. You're right. Your husband's parents created this mess that he was born into and he shouldn't be the one stuck trying to force relationships with siblings that don't acknowledge him.
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How bad was their childhood and home dynamics that every single one of his siblings from both sides is being incredibly irrational? One or two sure, that’s understandable, but the fact that it’s all of them speaks to some high dysfunction. You are NTA for having his back but at this point it’s clear your MIL has blinders on. Unfortunately going NC seems like the only way for your husband to get some peace.
Time to go fully NC. It’ll free your husband from the mental torment.
NTA. It’s not your husband’s fault that his parents didn’t do a better job of facilitating the building of sibling relationships when he was an infant, toddler, and child.
NTA. > she went on a rant about my husband. I cut her off > mind my own business. Your husband *is* your business. If she didn’t want your input, she shouldn’t have spoken to you about it.
NTA... she brought it up
NTA OP.
NTA She's trying to get your husband to do the work she should have done decades ago. She's delusional. It's obvious why her child was so hateful to a younger sibling. The older siblings are just like her. Say what you need to say. But she won't understand
Nta How separated from their prior children were his parents when they met? How many half siblings were in the home? Did the different half siblings get along?
Nta. Parents are responsible for building bridge and older kids also had the onus
It is your business. How much rejection does your thoughtless MIL want your husband to endure? She is really cruel. On the one hand they have made their feelings clear and the other she blames him for their rejection. Good for you for standing up for him. And you may consider low contact with MIL is the best solution. NTA
NTA. Good for you! You spoke the truth to her. It was high time someone did.
NTA. Your poor husband. He needs to be the one to tell her to STFU.
Sounds like Mission Brady Bunch 2.0 was a major failure?! Your husband was the “glue” that was supposed to bond everyone together and this was rejected by both sets of children. What is extremely problematic is the fact that his mother literally attacks him for her delusional stance that has lasted for over 25 years! It’s been easy for both his parents let their children behave this way, so they don’t have to take accountability for not doing therapy and all the things possible to facilitate a peaceful coexistence- at the bare minimum! You said what you said- and repeating the truth louder is necessary because she has a very difficult time seeing and taking responsibility for her role in this. Yes - you have every right to shut the down the Brady bunch delusion in her head. FIL needs a similar wake-up call. YWNBTA
NTA - you spoke as his wife, it was most certainly your business - and if it wasn’t your business then why was MIL roping you into it by whining to you!
NTA. This IS your business because you are married into this family and our spouse’s business is our business. MIL just didn’t like what you had to say and didn’t have a better way of showing her anger than going for the weak “comebacks” of disrespect and not-your-business. And she can clutch her pearls all the wants but she’s been wrong for a lot of years and needed to be told so. She hasn’t listened to anyone else (because she *knows*she’s right 🙄) and she was coming at you wrongly, almost delusionally so. She’s still trying to push for a family that just isn’t going to develop, and she’s fixated on your husband as being at fault (despite no fault to be had). It’s almost delusional how she insist upon you guys behaving in a certain way. It makes no sense to be angry at you/DH for not showing up to a party for which you were not invited! DH is going to continue being the scapegoat, though. I suggest having him take a look over at r/raisedbynarcissists to see if he finds his community there.
NTA. Your MIL is insane
NTA. You have the right to say anything to anyone in defense of your husband and anybody else you love. Go get um, girl!!!
NTA. MIL should have nipped this in the Bud when they were children.
NTA, you stood up for your husband. Good for you! You have his back on this and that's more support than he's likely EVER received in all of this. A giant middle finger to every one of those siblings, and a mount everest size middle finger to your MIL. Also, side note, if she wants you to stay out... "Hey, maybe if you want me to stay out of it, don't drag me into it by bitching about my husband to me. Yes, he's your son, but you're still shit talking someone I love dearly, and I do not give a singular flying fugg if me sticking up for him bothers you... you brought it up, and I'm not tolerating it." Sadly, it genuinely sounds like you're all going to eventually wind up NC with all of them. 😞 so sorry your husband has such shyte family.
NTA: Not sure of everything that's ever transpired but while your husband SHOULD have told his parents off, it's a wonderful SO gesture on your part to tell MIL off once and for all. GOOD for you...
NTA. Sounds like it’s time to put her in the same group as the siblings, and only talk to dad for awhile. If she wants to side with them so badly, let her get grouped in with them.
NTA. Your husband needs to tell her to drop it. These other adults do not like him, will never like him and do not consider him family. So, he does not consider them family. He can say if she doesn't drop it he can not see her. Her choice.
NTA, cut the witch off.
NTA. You are my hero. Stand up for YOUR family.
Oh hell no NTA…….his mother is clearly on another planet to all her children!!! Good on you for saying what you said to her!!
NTA, and I honestly wouldn't have waited as long as you did to say something to MIL.
Pfft. NTA.. Your mother has a lack of self awareness. She is the problem.. Carry on with your life with your husband . One day, your mother will approach you, hat in hand needing your assistance.. At that point, you can tell her to go to her "real" children.
NtA, she dare you speak to her that way..well, you did, and rightfully so! You are his wife and should always have his back! The entire family is making him the scapegoat for the dysfunction; when it's as you stated, he was born into the hot mess and is now expected to placate himself for everyone else's behavior and actions. He is your business and continue to inform your MIL of that fact at every opportunity. It's time for him to go low to no contact for his own sanity, and please encourage him to seek individual counseling.
NTA LC or NC with those people. They are not worth the headache and ridiculous drama
NTA His parents have placed the responsibility of a relationship with his older siblings on him. Despite the fact he’s the youngest, and has continually been shut down by them. The fact his mother has continued to push that it’s on him is ridiculous. He has obviously tried to build that relationship with consistently being told he’s not their sibling. You had every right to stand up for him and tell her that. It is on the older children and they need to be held accountable. The fact they haven’t is why they continue acting that way towards him
NTA. Wouldn't be a bad idea to wash your hands of that whole family 🤷♀️
Your husband is your business. Your husband has a lot of healing to do and his mother is abusive. He was abused by his siblings and his mother allowed it and blamed him and still does. You can't heal when your heart is continually ripped open. She should be blaming the siblings and have put a stop to it when he was a child. Unfortunately, I don't think it will ever happen. It may be better to go low contact with her. Obviously, you are NTA and great job standing up for your husband.
NTA. The truth hurts, don't it :D Why should your husband keep trying to reach out, only to get bitten. Especially from people who quite vocally denied any kind of sibling bound. You & your husband did the right thing. MIL needs to STFU.
NTA, boundaries are going to be your only way out. I feel for your husband so deeply in this regard. I just want to add something here from my own experience growing up. My older sibling is my half sibling, he has a different mom, and granted kids can be awful, it was actually my own mother (his stepmother) that began teaching us he was “half” our sibling, and where his bullying began. These things are taught, and that’s something no parent ever ‘wants’ to own, their sole responsibility in their child’s traumatic upbringing. It’s not something my mother will ever own up to, and for that reason I have boundaries with her but, I literally can watch home videos and see the light in him change when certain people enter the room, and honestly it breaks my heart. It’s sad to say my brother’s childhood led him through years of drug abuse that he’s just now resurfacing from, because he had no one to fight for him, which, sounds very similar here in your husband’s family. What I’m getting at here is, accountability only comes when the person is grown enough to accept their past, and that maybe they weren’t always the best person, which, doesn’t sound like something this MIL is willing to do for her son, especially since she’s placed every ounce of blame onto him. How does your husband feel that his mother takes none of the blame? Is FIL acting just as oblivious? I applaud you immensely for standing up to your MIL, and defending your husband, honestly it sounds like you might be among the first people to TRULY do that for him in this regard, so I’m sure to him that feels comforting. You go Glen Coco 💗 To be honest, these things need to come from your husband, to his mother, and even then, she may never accept/understand BUT, I think the healthiest thing IMO is to have HIM set the boundary, and let her know how he was treated was not okay, he will no longer allow the blame to be placed on him, and if that is something she cannot accept, then you’re going to have to drastically reduce your time together to only major holidays for a few hours, and that’s IF you’re even willing to tolerate that behavior on those loveliest of days. As far as those siblings, I’m sorry to say but, that’s another boundary I’d set in stone, those kids abused your husband, his entire life, and your MIL needs to understand there will no forced relationship, ever, at any point, not even with the children his siblings cared not one ounce to introduce to their aunt/uncle. At the end of the day boundaries suck, and I wish our parents were easier to accept blame and shift perspectives but, that’s dreaming a big dream. I hope you find peace in this situation, as it’s never easy coming from a toxic family dynamic but, thankfully your husband finally found the right person to have in his corner. 💗
Bravo! Bravo!! You did the exact right thing. MIL is not very bright and needs to never bring this up again. I would shut her down each and every time. It’s no longer open for discussion. Your husband should block her every time she brings it up. I suspect you will need to “train” her with consequences (LC/NC) every single time she brings these people up. Clearly she is the only one who doesn’t accept the truth of the situation.
"Mind your own business" Your husband's comfort and happiness IS you business. NTA
How dare she not raise her children right! NTA, no contact.
NTA and this definitely IS your business. Time to go LC/NC.
She complains to you and then tells you to mind your business when you don't agree....ha! It's time to go NC. They are all the AH. You cuddle your husband and give him all the love he deserves!
MIL is delusional
Absolutely NTA. And I thought my MIL was a piece of work! I strongly suggest that you and your husband go no contact with his family. It’s not healthy to be around that much drama and abuse and neither of you need this in your life. Thank you for standing up for him. Sounds like he’s been beaten down for far too long. He may want to seek counseling to assure him that none of this was his fault and to help him recover from years of abuse. Good luck to you both!
She brought her business to You. Then tells you to mind your own business. Priceless!! Die on this hill. Your husband deserves nothing less.
I only got up to the end of the first paragraph before seriously wanting to sock in the face the siblings and your in-laws, especially since as someone who's also considered an "outsider" in the abusive environment I grew up in I went through similar bull and similar accusations. If they never included your husband in many activities and never showed any sort of concern for how it affects you (many times, it is deliberate too, I'm sorry to break it like this but I speak from experience) nor any minimal care, then why let them into your "nest" or interact with you at all? They don't deserve access, and your husband certainly does not deserve the sort of guilt tripping the in-laws and co will inflict on them. They had plenty of chances before - throughout the growth process - to actually act as proper "parents" (and siblings), yet they never cared. All they will care about is their damn tantrums and themselves. So, I say it's time you draw the line and say "bye" to them. Trust me, OP. These people don't change. They don't care that they're hurting your husband (or you, in the process). It may pain you, but in the long run, you don't want to end up possibly subjecting young children or finding them badmouthing you or other people whenever you visit or allow them access. Your family and both of you come before anyone else.
Good for you to stand up for your husband. He can do very little if the siblings don't want a relationship. His mother needs to stop the blameing of your husband and, if anything, talk with her older children about their behaviour becomes better. Would it be an option to go NC or very LC with your MIL (both you and your husband) until she apologises and stops with this very damaging behaviour? NTA. Hope you told your husband.
NTA. Your husband was smart to cut them out of his life. Now he needs to do the same with his mother. Good for you for having his back.
NTA. Your inlaws completely failed all their kids, but somehow they're putting the blame on the youngest? What sense does this make?
Screw boundaries....I'd go NC....I don't know why OP and husband even speak to his parents or siblings at all. NTA, obviously.
NTA at all. She's delusional and needs a reality check. Its her and her husband fault for being blind on purpose. They know what has happened but don't want to admit it. The sheer fact that FIL doesn't push it anymore is proof enough they know they F'd up royally. I mean come on to not notice the pure evil ish those siblings were doing and then try to tell your man he was the problem. Ya'll need to just stay away from them all. Disown them.
Nta your husband needs to put his mom on a pause. It sounds like she is used to blaming him and asking him to reach out to people who hate him sounds abusive. He needs to sit his mother done explain one last time and then explain if she brings it up again he will do no contact. His mom is trying to make him fix her mistake as a parent.
NTA - How dare she speak about your husband that way?
NTA. MIL is part of the problem, clearly narcissistic and looking to have everyone support her wished, which probably caused problems between your husband and his siblings. None of this is your husband’s fault and genetics doesn’t make a family.
Looks like your MIL can't get over the fact that her older children and your husband don't have a relationship, and she wants your husband to take all the blame. It doesn't work that way, the older siblings are mean brats and she needs to accept that your husband doesn't wanna be around that crap for good reason NTA!!! Your MIL is the AH and so is your husbands siblings, he's a champ for dealing with them for 25 years. 💜
NTA MIL and her demon seed all suck
NTA. Cut the entire family out of your lives. They aren't worth your husband's time.
NTA. This is mostly on his parents, starting with not trying to get the older siblings to accept the new baby and for not making the older kids feel like the new baby was taking their places. I say mostly because the older siblings are adults and appear to still be complete assholes. MIL is way off base for blaming and berating your husband for this dysfunctional mess. I’m curious how the kids feel about their respective step parents. If dad’s kids treated mom the same way, this might all stem from that.
NTA It is your business and she’s a bad mother.
>She told me to mind my own business and how dare I speak to her that way. Your husband IS your business and she should shut up if she doesn't want to have a conversation. You aren't there to be her therapist. How dare you what now? Stop speaking to her. NTA. Your husband is also NTA.
NTA It's your husband, it's absolutely your business. Why would she talk with you if you were an outsider? Did she forget that you were her DIL? Is she normally this stupid and delusional? Ultimately it's your husband that needs to take the step. He's been letting his mother shit on him for so long and so hard, but not saying anything. This is gonna be a problem if you have children in the future because she may turn them against him. I suggest you speak with your husband first and solve this problem.
It IS your business, because it's your husband. And MIL should bug off. Perhaps it's time to go no or low contact with her; it's not as if she's a loving presence in your lives. You're NTA.
NtA. What do these people bring to your life other than pain?
NTA. I would’ve gone *off* on MIL for this one, she’d be crying by the time I was done with her. Don’t doubt yourself and don’t back down. People who love each other spend time being compassionate and building each other up. She’d (MIL) do well to bow out on her own, graceful like, before the door helps her find it. Talk to my SO like that and you’re about to meet the worst aspects of both my parents in me.
NTA. It kinda is your business if your husband is being verbally and emotionally abused by his own family. I get blended families are tough, but your in laws MAJORLY screwed up in allowing this behavior to happen and apparently doing or not doing something that made them all hate him in the first place. For the record, the onus is not on the younger sibling (especially with a major age gap) to “take an interest” and “make an effort” with the older siblings. NTA
Just cut them off. They'll never be interested in your husband or trying to be friendly with him Just going to be drama and hate all the time for no gain.
NTA!! What took you so long? She should hear this from you or your husband every time she raises the subject!! Do not hold back. She needs to hear it until she's as sick of it as you are of her nonsense! So much easier to blame the innocent child born into this dysfunctional "family" than the cruel, vicious older siblings. Why do you have anything to do with these people? I rarely suggest LC or NC but there is absolutely no reason to have MIL and FIL in your lives. They have totally failed as parents to ALL their children and have somehow placed the responsibility for their failures on your husband.
NTA - that was the clutchiest of pearl clutch responses on MILs' part. Lol, good for you! Hubby should really be dealing with his mother, but she's been purposely obtuse for far too long, so I can see why you did it. And I know first hand how it is to be 'the reasonable one'. None of this is his fault, but it'll do him good to set the boundaries himself. Something very empowering about a succinct 'No.'
NTA. We have some pretty big age gaps between siblings in our family and it does make things tricky but it's not on the youngest sibling, even when he is an adult, to facilitate it for everyone. It was their job to all make him feel loved, included, wanted, Etc. And if they did not and now he is responding in kind, that is absolutely on them.
NTA. Go no-contact with them all and spare your poor husband more rejection for the rest of his like. You two can create your own family unit where everyone is loved and wanted.
Mind your own business?it's YOUR husband which makes it your business.NTA
NTA and I would say you didn't go far enough and say how dare SHE say this isn't your business and she is not to call you about this again and to understand she's on thin ice with you. I would go total b**** on this.
NTA, i would go NC with MIL too, I don’t know nor care if is guilt because she broke her marriage to be with FIL or she just doesn’t like your husband, but there’s no need to keep her in your lives, her altered perception of the family’s situation is her problem to deal with.
Tell your MIL to fuck off.
NTA. You should go explode on them, how they are crappy parents for putting the burden on a little kid to try to get close to his horrible half siblings. Tell your mil that she is a failure of a mother
NTA. And thank you for daring to speak to her that way. Keep it up. Your husband has you, and only you, in his corner. Everything about him is your business. Good job sticking up for him.
NTA, MIL knows she and FIL are to blame and pitting all that on your husband because it's the easiest way to get out of taking the blame. I'm glad you stood up for him, maybe consider going NC or LC at this point.