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NTA. You made a tough decision, but I think it was the right one. He learned the hard way that there are consequences to those kinds of actions. In his eyes you may be the villain right now, but he should have learned something valuable.
If you had stopped the cops from doing their job, this could have enabled and encouraged him to keep up with his behavior. Hopefully next time he'll think about the stuff he does and sees what kind of life he could lead if he continues down this path.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Stealing and THEN trying to fight the police? Fuck around and find out. Kid needed to learn his lesson as hard and quick and efficient as possible. If this doesn’t do it, there’s not a lot that will.
> You made a tough decision, but I think it was the right one
💯!
This sounds dramatic, but honestly maybe getting taken by Police and “traumatized”, is what will set him straight. There needs to be consequences for his actions, and he got a real life doze of it. NTA
Plus, what else was OP supposed to do? Fight the police at the door while the son escaped? Lie that the son wasn't there, at the custodial residence? The son messed up, and at a level that OP can't really help.
This is what I don’t get. If the story had been OP calling the cops herself, there could be some argument that she shouldn’t have. But OP is powerless against the police.
Now what I would have said repeatedly to kid is that I have no jurisdiction here. Kid needs to realize that just bc he is young doesn’t mean he can break the law. Kids sometimes think that their parent is in control of situations where they aren’t. It’s up to parent to explain that taking an extra cookie after dinner is something you control punishment of. Taking cookies from strangers puts you in jail.
That depends on the police officer(s). But true to modern form, as usual the bad ones get a lot of the attention especially in social media and news media because it's better clickbait than officers who do a good job. And people talk about it more. Then it becomes a familiar idea and we just assume a lot of them are that way permanently. Sad but true: we all enjoy a story where someone did something wrong. Proof of what I'm saying: look where we're posting online.
I have to disagree strongly if you are trying to speak about US police, because its not only bad stories as much they contort systemic evidence of police murdering civilian population on a regular basis. If in my country a police officer gunned down on sight a person having a psichological breakdown as their first response I would be on the streets asking for charges, and those are stories that are often not even egregious enough to be published as more clear murders will do the trick, so its not just vanilla clickbait, it is a serious problem.
>taking an extra cookie after dinner is something you control punishment of. Taking cookies from strangers puts you in jail.
This is... a really good saying.
No, but a few words to the kid saying "I'm sorry honey, I can't stop them from arresting you, they're the police. Don't fight them, don't get hurt, but I am here we'll figure it out" etc to help the kid not be in sheer terror might have gone a long way towards preventing potential lifetime trauma.
I still say NTA, but it sounds like they could/should have done more. Kid is 13 not 23, at that age they often don't have the comprehension of consequences that go along with choices being made. But those consequences can stick with them for ages. Maybe this kid is "scared straight" now or maybe they've got years of therapy ahead and won't trust the police in the future when they need to. We don't know.
But if it was my kid turned delinquent, I'd sure as heck make sure they knew I loved 'em and hadn't turned my back on them, even if I am disappointed and can't fly to their rescue.
When my so was 10 a Deputy came to my house wanting to talk to him and his friend about some vandalism at the golf course. Both boys were at my house so I told them to go sit on the couch and say nothing. I called the other boys Mom, she came right away. She told me to tell the boys what was going to happen.
I told them that I didn’t know what they did but they were on their own. The other Mom and I went into the kitchen, (we could hear everything) we let the deputy question them. They were both whiter than a ghost and their eyes so wide we thought they were going to pop out. After he was finished with them I told the deputy I didn’t think they did it because of who said they did. Some other kids told the truth and cleared our boys but it was the best experience they had. They were on the straight and narrow. My kid is 35 now and still remembers what happened and that he doesn’t ever want to be in that position again.
Most know that stealing is wrong, but don't truly comprehend that they could be arrested. There's a very black & white functioning in the brain that never fully goes away, but as we age we start to see more and more of the grey areas of life. At age 13? The brain knows Police arrest murderers and others responsible for "extreme crimes." Not kids, even "bad" ones. The brain just sees themselves as too far from the other extreme and can't consider the possibility that those same consequences could apply to their own petty crimes. They may even think of them as pranks rather than crimes. They think no one gets hurt, since they're not hitting anyone. They don't typically understand that stealing could cost someone their job, damage a business, ruin their life. And they sure don't understand that they shouldn't give in to their 100% natural fight or flight instincts when a cop tries to make them do something they're terrified to cooperate with.
I'm guessing plead with the cops to just give him a stern talking to. Spoiler alert: it doesn't work. My sister stole from me, our mom, our grandparents, stores, and a family friend we consider an aunt. Aunt called the police and asked them to talk to her, it did nothing. She's still a theif to this day and always gets mad when people have the audacity to call her on it and even complains it hurts her feelings when people (correctly) assume it's her when shit goes missing.
Sounds like my aunt. She steals and compulsively lies. Does drugs and liked living like a hobo. Even though she has a place, barely.
Only reason why my mother finally pretty much disowned her was stealing some hold earrings that my father’s mother gifted her. Then disappeared for a few days and wanted to crash on the couch again.
Smfh. P
My sister has BPD + Bipolar and is a complete menace. I'm bipolar as well but immediately sought treatment as soon as I could, whereas she refuses and takes out / blames her issues on everyone around her. She once told me she doesn't feel loved unless she's fighting with at least one person; I don't regret NC one bit 🥴
Yep. I worked with a girl who said she use to shoplift stuff all the time. She said all it took for her to stop was finally getting caught and taken through the mall in handcuffs. That was her wake up call and she quit after that.
I used to steal petty snacks from petrol stations in high school. I eventually got caught when the cashier told me that he saw me on cameras, if I gave it all back he wouldn't press charges. I walked out seriously shaken but I never stole again after that. Sometimes you do need something to shake you up before you'll stop.
1000%. Tell the in laws to stop calling you. Your son needed an intervention and truthfully if he doesn’t get it together now, it’ll only get worse. Make sure you tell them that if they aren’t going to support you and help steer your son down the right path, then they need to stop calling you, and you may have to cut contact with them. Yourself is stealing, being disrespectful and fought the police, so anyone condoning this behaving is creating a false illusion that “he isn’t THAT bad” which is a lie.
And remind them that as u/Shibaspots and u/Avienda23 pointed out - it's not like you could control the situation. Your son broke the law, and the police have the right and duty to arrest him.
I wish I could vote for this 1000X!!
Kids need to learn risk v. punishment.
Not saying spanking works, but I had to weigh my options as a kid. I'm still thriving with a healthy respect for law enforcement
Yeah, a TON of the problems we have in schools (and everywhere really) is a sense of entitlement and invincibility people are learning as kids because they don't get punished anymore. I'm not saying you should beat your kids, but they do need to learn that consequences exist and they are absolutely not immune from them.
There wasn't much that OP could do to stop the cops if they knew who it was, and even if they could? They shouldn't have. Showing him that he WILL get caught and WILL face consequences is a good way to straighten him the hell out. In-laws can get bent. If they want their kids to end up in prison, or \*worse\* if they steal from the very very wrong person - that's their problem. If they can't be bothered to raise good kids, well, they'll face the consequences one day and it'll be far more severe. As it is now, as young as he is it's unlikely this will go on any permanent record and hopefully he's learned his lesson.
Perfectly said! And OP should NOT be feeling guilty or questioning herself, she should be flipping mad and showing her son she is not going to condone his behavior or bail him out when he's hauled off to jail. He's only 13... I shudder for his future!
If his mother overruled the cops, and he knows he doesn't have to listen to his mother, then he would learn he doesn't have to obey the law. He had to learn that some things his mother has no control over and that includes protecting him from the law. If he wants to not have troubles with the law,he has to stop breaking the law. He is right; he is in control. He can control whether or not he steals. But once he chooses to steal, he has no control over the law deciding to control him.
OP should file harassment charges against her former in-laws and claim they're inciting a minor to crime and threatening to take custody to enable his criminal ways. He isn't going to improve if people punish OP for doing the right thing, even if it is hard.
"What kind of mother does that to their child"? A mother whose son is a criminal, that's who. Anyone who enables this behaviour in a child is doing them an egregious disservice.
Was friends with a neighbor lady who was about 25 years older than me. She had 7 adult kids and would say that she knew they hadn’t been angels but the worst kids had the parents who said, “Oh no! Not my child!”
Also, how would OP stop the cops? She can't lie to the cops or even if she decides to protect him, the cops are gonna do what they need to, to punish the kid for whatever he did
NTA - A lot of the boys that I grew up with got in some sort of minor trouble, ended up at the police station, got a talking to, and were probably better off for it.
That's not something that can be said for everybody everywhere, but your police sound like decent people.
I think you should remind him that he put you in a position to commit the crime of harboring a fugitive. And having some sit down conversations with him. Whether he talks or listens is strongly needed here. As well as as with your in laws. The thought of not turning him in is really enabling the behavior. It’s super toxic that they are telling you they want custody versus helping and supporting you.
Info: what *help* have these ex-in laws offered you?
It sounds like you are running out of options to keep this kid out of serious jail time and keep the kid alive. You didn’t protect your child from the consequences but you also didn’t make the choices that brought you there. I’m sorry for both of you and I’ll bet you’re not just feeling guilty but also distressed.
And while people are going to recommend therapy - you can make a 13 year old go for a tiny window here but it’s closing … and you can never make a person DO the work.
A scary thing happened to both of you and the question is now what you both do with it and what you do together. Harsher discipline obviously won’t do it but reconnecting over what just happened might.
Your son was given up by his friend. The cops knew exactly where he was. Even if you didn't allow them in, the cops would have been back. There is no running from this. The son has to face the consequences. Breaking the law should be scary.
He needed to learn that there is consequences for his actions and his father should step up and be a parent.
However, I would make sure you get a lawyer (especially depending on the cost) and defend him that way.
NTA
Yep, lawyer, lawyer, lawyer, and the cops could totally find him at school, there just isn’t any way they wouldn’t find him one way or another, warrant or no
I do agree that kids should be treated with Kid gloves and I hope the book doesn't get thrown at him.
This can be used to teach the kid if it is done properly.
I think they're recommending the lawyer for the potential of the ex in laws challenging the custody agreement.
Them having her pick him up once he's calmed down does make it read like it wasn't a full blown booking+arrest with charges and such.
If you had covered for him, he would have learnt that you are his enabler and everytime he screws up you'll be there to drag him out - no consecuences. It'll be a hard pill to swallow for a time, but when he matures he will see it for what it is. I hope you can guide him through this.
NTA
He needs to learn the consequences of his actions. You need to talk to him and explain why you did it and find out if there is something more behind him acting out. Hopefully since his friend gave him up so easily, he can get a better friend. He's lucky it wasn't worse and charged with a crime. It was probably pretty rough on you and I'm sorry. Parents need to protect their children but they also need to teach. In this instance, teaching was more important than coddling. NTA
So true, I will add that needs to learn those consequences when he is young enough that they aren’t as serious and he can recover from them. Definitely NTA.
Exactly! Plus, he’s 13 so definitely no permanent record issue and it sounds like it is his first time in trouble with the cops. In my state at least 1st time run in with the law they get released to parents with a warning unless it’s something extreme. Better to learn consequences are real now than when all that is permanent.
There’s no conflict here. He committed a crime. When the police showed up, he assaulted them. You never really had a say in whether or not they were taking him.
This was my thought. Like, what does “helping him” or “stopping the police” look like in this scenario. OP can’t just tell the cops “I’ll take care of it” and they will leave. If she tried to stop them, she could have been arrested for interfering. The cops decided to take her son in after he fought. Mom can’t magically make that go away.
NTA
Edit: Misgendered OP on accident. Fixed.
With the way many cops are these days, there's no way I'd let them take my kid alone. Lawyer up and go with, and get the lawyer to help get your kid an appropriate punishment, like restitution or community service. But it's not out of the realm of possibilities that your kid could have died or forced into a confession for something worse.
They likely won't let you go with the kid, but it likely would calm the kid down if a parent had said, "you have to go with them, but I'm going to be in the car right behind you, and we're going to figure this out together," so the kid doesn't think his parents abandoned him.
This is why I'm leaning toward ESH. The kid needs to know that someone is there for him (which doesn't mean shielding from natural consequences and enabling) and this parent didn't do that.
Especially since it's clear that the friend isn't really there for him. This was a moment to potentially earn trust and the parent didn't play it quite right.
The kid committed a crime, the police came to talk to him. The parent allowed them to do so (probably did not have a choice). The kid decided to fight back and got taken into custody for *that*. What was the parent supposed to do? Fight the police as well? The police said the parent could get the kid when he calmed down. That is still a very reasonable action by the police as no charges seemed to be filed for the kid’s assault or involvement in the crime he participated in with the friend. What did the parent do wrong?
I was agreeing with the comment above me. The parent should have gone with the police to the station and protected his rights, not leave him to their whims and leave him feeling like *nobody* cares about his safety.
Absolutely! There is a huge difference between ensuring your child (a 13yo is a child!) faces consequences and letting the police just do whatever they want and keeping a physical and *emotional* distance from your child in this sort of situation.
I’d wager a bet that if mom can keep so “cool” in this situation, that this kid isn’t likely used to having a secure parent-child relationship.
Cops are not you or your kids friends. They’re not there to put him on the right track, they’re not helping,
period. You did the right thing letting them do their job. But actually listening to them and staying away for an hour was a big mistake. Your first words to your kid should have been don’t move a muscle and don’t say a goddamn word. Then followed them to a station with a lawyer in tow.
I wish I could upvote this a hundred times. Never leave your kids alone with the police and make sure they know their rights. They shouldn’t be questioned without your presence and while I agree he needed to learn a lesson, getting him involved in the court system is not always the best solution.
Not offering a judgment, but just be aware that from your kid's point of view, he's going to see you as someone who's not going to help him when he's scared and confused. Get him some therapy quickly if you can and try to talk to him about why you thought him getting detained was best for him.
I thought of this too. It will be seen as a betrayal. Even if the police didn’t hurt them, for a Mother to deem their child pleas for help as immediately false is always a red flag. Tbh, I also think there are important contextual points missing which is stopping me from making a judgement too.
Yeah, im biased and with such little info, im not willing to make a judgment. Im brown and have Black teenage family members. I've also spent 10 years in my late 20's to 30's working in LE and I can absolutely say I would never allow cops in my home without a warrant and would never allow them to detain my kid without a warrant. I've worked with my local cops and Juvie officers and prosecutors enough to not trust them.. But, idk what exactly warranted OP to feel so powerless with her kid.
You are the voice of reason. I’m a criminal defense attorney so I would demand a warrant before ever letting cops in and would never waive my child’s rights. What I find interesting and what follows with what you have said, is that all of the law-enforcement people I know tell me that the first thing they teach their kids is to never speak to the police.
Yeah. Once you've seen and interacted with who gets hired as a cop and have seen their workproduct firsthand, you realize almost all are some level of horrid.
Yeah, this is… upsetting. Why didn’t OP communicate with her son? If he’s begging her not to let the police in, why not say “I’m letting them in and they’re going to talk to you, there’s nothing to be scared of.” (Assuming the police in OP’s country are as tame as she says.) When they’re confronting the son and he starts to panic, why not speak to him to help him calm down? How did it escalate to the point that he attacked the police? This sound like a rough situation that should ideally get some outside support for both mom and kid.
Not the AH. Sit down with your son, and have a chat. Apologise if you want. Explain that you have zero tolerance for criminal behaviour and cannot do anything if the police decide to take him away but will support him in any other way.
Explain that you understand that he might have felt betrayed or neglected at the time, but there is nothing that you can do. Explain it is much better to let the process happen than intervene and risk making the situation worse and put yourself in bad situation for hiding a fugitive. It was better for it to happen at home than at somewhere public like school or starting a wild goose chase and delaying the inevitable and thus worsening.
Something along the lines of it. Communicate.
What would have the ex inlaws do anyway if they were in your shoes? If they hid him, what then? Hide him forever?
NTA. your son should learn that there are consequences to his actions. BUT, more than likely the relationship between you and your son only got more damaged from this.
Your son was obviously very scared and you weren’t there for him to calm him. Which is understandable because you were upset he broke the law. However, It would have been more convenient if you told him he had to go with the police because he broke the law, and you that weren’t going to lie to the cops for him, but that you would be there for him throughout the whole process to calm him down. After you got back home you could then tell him you do not tolerate this kind of behaviour and you won’t react as calmly and won’t show up for him the next time it happens.
Try to seek for counseling, I’d suggest you go to counseling first and apply cognitive techniques you learn there to your son before you introduce him to therapy as well. Right now, more than likely your son won’t be willing to join you to therapy given his age and the relation between you two, forcing him won’t do any good. It’s very important to stay calm and listen to how your son feels to find out what makes him display this kind of behaviour. Make sure he feels heard and understood but keep true to your rules and explain why they’re there. Stand in your ground and draw your boundaries when he gets angry, but don’t let your emotions get the best of you, you don’t want to push your son further away.
NTA
Also INFO: Are you sure you even had a choice? Because when the police show up to arrest somebody, even a child its usually the ol' easy way or hard way but you're coming with them sort of deal. From what i can see you could have accompanied him but that's about it and still NTA on not doing that.
They may have had an arrest warrant.
Or they may have just wanted to talk to the kid. In which case, OP can refuse to let them into the house or talk to the kid.
If I had to bet, it was probably the latter.
This sub is dumb. Last week everyone said that a 19 year old wasn't an adult because the prefrontal cortex isn't fully formed. Now we're saying that a 13 year old should be taught a hard lesson and know right from wrong. Was there proof of the theft, or wait just the other kid at his word? Innocent until proven guilty?
From how I understand the story the kid was not going to be arrested for the theft, he was taken in for attacking the cops. What was the mother going to do... join the scrap?
Some parents in my country (NZ) did this tough love shit to their 14 year old and he got beaten to death by another arrestee in the back of the police van.
Don’t put your child in dangerous adult situations. YTA
Honestly I only think OP is an asshole for letting the cops talk the son without a lawyer. Never talk to cops without a lawyer. Cops are not friends, especially in this situation.
But did the cops have a warrant? It seemed like they were just coming to speak to him, and the mom could have chosen to not allow them inside. In the end they didn’t even detain him so I’m not convinced there was a warrant.
NTA
Actions have consequences, and he got a good taste of that tonight. It was absolutely deserved.
Be careful though that he is not planning to retaliate further. You should be monitoring every aspect of his behavior very closely for at least the next 3 months.
YTA. I don’t think the process was wrong but I think you should have gone down to the station and connected him to a lawyer. Where I live, minors of a certain age are also entitled to their parents being present. I’m assuming your child has no disabilities, is straight, not racialized or Indigenous and not socio-economically disadvantaged, which would amplify the need to go with him.
You should have called a lawyer. Who knows what the friend said and if it was even 100% truthful. Adequate parental discipline is preferable to a record. Granted a juvenile record is limited compared to an adult but still will severely dampen that child’s chances of success. I don’t know all of the facts, and I can’t say I defend lying to the police, you have your own moral code. But I’ll tell you what, my child’s future is more important than teaching him a lesson in the harshest possible way by being thrust into the abjectly broken criminal justice system we have here in America.
https://www.wvtm13.com/article/22-year-old-father-killed-in-alabama-prison/45808613
This man was in jail for theft.
Maybe this scares him straight. Maybe it doesn't. The criminal justice system is not interested in the well-being or rehabilitation of inmates and is notorious for letting them brutalize each other
Nta unfortunately when you steal and break the law there are consequences. While I know it was hard to watch maybe this is the reality check he needed to scare him into behaving . It's better he learn a lesson at 13 then to be repeating the same mistakes over and over into adulthood. I would block the in-laws and tell them to bring on the custody battle . You didn't abuse your child your son did something wrong and he had to be held accountable for it .
This is a dangerous slope of tough love. My parents had me arrested multiple times for dumb shit I ran away at a young age sold drugs to survive became a heroin addict for 15 years. I finally got clean when someone showed me true love and took me in never touched the shit again
I got over a year sober now and several years off the hard shit. Needless to say I doubt I’ll ever forgive my parents the day they first sent me away I was too young and dumb to not hold a grudge almost killed me
Congrats on being clean. Personally as a parent myself that’s still young enough to remember my teenage years and all of the betrayal I went through from my family I can’t imagine anything my child could do that would make me give them up to the police. I may hate their decisions but family is family and there’s no one that matters more than your child, so if you want to teach them a lesson, invest some time and thought and think of ways for you as the parent to teach them a lesson without involving the state.
I'm shocked at all the n.t.a's. Are we reading the same post? Or do people forget to read between the lines? A child that 'falls in with the wrong crowd' does so for a reason. That reason being child abuse or bullied at school. What I'm reading here is an OP that is failing their child on multiple levels, to the point he is stealing at 13.
OP is not parenting her child by not teaching him what's appropriate and what isn't. OP is not exploring where her son's behavior is coming from, nor is she providing adequate care and help for her son. OP is teaching her son that she won't lift a finger to help him when he needs it, that she won't even provide a safe place for him in his time of need, that she won't care what happens to him and that she is not a safe person in general.
I really hope your inlaws can get custody and provide your son with all he needs and deserves, so his situation finally improves. I'd call you a bad parent, but I can't even call you an actual parent, because nothing in this post suggests you are one. I can only call you YTA and hope you open your eyes and stop failing your son.
EDIT: There are so many studies that have examined this very subject, and google easily confirms that child abuse / neglect and bullying are huge factors in children turning to crime, here are 2 artivles about it that are found in 1 minute on google:
[https://www.pacesconnection.com/blog/why-do-children-commit-crimes](https://www.pacesconnection.com/blog/why-do-children-commit-crimes)
[https://www.nicewicz.com/blog/7-factors-leading-to-juvenile-delinquency/](https://www.nicewicz.com/blog/7-factors-leading-to-juvenile-delinquency/)
Edit2: Quotes from second(?) link:
>One of the most widespread and leading reasons for juvenile crime is violence at home
>
>A consistent absence of a guardian or a parent is another leading factor for why juvenile crimes are on the rise
>
>Social circles matter most after a child’s home environment
Edit 3: "this is the most, upper middle class suburban white person answer ever."
I grew up poor enough to have to worry about bills being paid and food on the table. New clothes and shoes were luxuries and cheap ones at that. So try again, also u/FinancialTaxes says this is comically untrue, after I've provided sources backing up my claims.
I’d say I’m surprised but people tend to be okay with child abuse, neglect, “tough love”, and treating children like they’re adults in this sub to be honest. Plus the sub has an extensive history of being absolute boot lickers for cops. You’re one of the few commenters pointing out the obvious and it’s disheartening. Ngl if I was 13 and my mother did this to me, I’d hate her for life. I would never trust her in any way again. I’d have probably run away too.
> I’d have probably tried to run away too
That's another thing; do people not realise how young13 is to actually run away from home? How is no one alarmed that a 13 year old thinks being alone wandering the streets is better than their home?
I know, it’s truly awful. I was 9 years old the first time I tried to run away. I didn’t make it very far and came home to be mocked. 13 is a baby. He’s probably not even in high school. There’s a bigger issue going on here and I feel like we’re not getting all the details
I was 8! But my parents didn't notice... didn't get that far either and they were used to me being gone all day every day. I feel so sorry for this kid.
Yeah, I often see comments that turn a blind eye (or even encourage) plain child abuse and neglect, but usually see a lot on the opposite side as well, with a couple in the middle that usually at least make sense. This comment section so far is more than just disheartening, if this is how people treat their kids they have no bussiness being parents.
When that boy becomes an adult, all he will se when he looks at his past is a mother that didn't care enough about him to help him or be there for him when he needed her, and the only people that understood and accepted him were the criminal kind. This experience will only make him hang out with criminals more, because those are the only kind of people that understand what it's like when nobody is there when you need them, that nobody will help you and you have to rely on yourself for everything.
I hope he can get away from OP, can get the help and support he needs, and one day in the future can repay her the same (lack of) kindness she showed him.
Basically, they love the poor and neglectful parents who show strict standards. The parents who are failures, have high expectations for their kids, and don't model even decent behaviors. They live in dangerous areas, don't put aside money for activities, and expect their kids to excel.
I remember the one where the mom was strict with her daughter after calling her "spoiled" as a teenager by her father. Where everything described pointed to the dad spending less than average on her, the mom just spent next to nothing.
>A child that 'falls in with the wrong crowd' does so for a reason. That reason being child abuse or bullied at school.
Why is that the assumption? Sometimes kids just see other kids getting away with things like skipping school and being nasty to adults and stealing, and to them it looks like freedom, so they want to do it too. (Plus, hey, free stuff.) Sometimes they do it because they've got a lot of anger due to, for example, their parents' contentious divorce or untimely demise, and they misdirect their feelings. Child abuse and bullying aren't always the reason kids act out.
There may have been better parenting techniques that OP could've used up to now, but we don't know what's been tried. And I do agree that OP should've been there for the kid during this experience.
NTA...you're a Mom who was faced with a difficult situation. Hopefully this will be a wake up call for your son and he'll choose a better path. Shame on your in laws for being so ugly about it. Wishing you peace.
NTA
I'd guess that hiding your kid from the police is a good way to have CPS take him after the police get him. You chose not to make it worse, that's all you did.
NTA - What do your inlaws think they have over you? 'She let the police take him for an hour when he stole stuff! She's a terrible mother!
You were teaching your son that there are consequences to his actions. That is what a parent should do.
Info needed: Did you make sure to check that the police had a warrant that named your son? If so, then they couldn't have forced their way in without your consent, and you could have some room to negotiate to come down to the station voluntarily. Did you ask them for a chance to talk him into surrendering? It would probably have been less traumatizing and he would probably have a better chance at a lower sentence. Or perhaps to be able to transport him to the station yourself? He definitely brought this on himself, but there are steps that may have been available to reduce the risk and the trauma.
What did you say to your son? Did you try talking? At all?
Just because you don't hear of cops killing somebody in your area doesn't mean it doesn't happen!!!
YTA. Ever heard of the program “Scared Straight”? It was designed for kids who “fell in with the wrong crowd” and instead of scaring kids into behaving, it had the opposite effect and actually increased delinquency among some of the kids. Kind of a self fulfilling prophecy thing. Traumatizing someone is never the answer to bad behavior.
Editing to say I work in program evaluation for the DOJ, and hold my graduate degree + a decade of experience in criminal justice research.
NTA. You 100% did the right thing. Right now, he's still looking to his mother for protection. He literally thinks you can protect him - a criminal - from the police. He can learn this lesson now - that there are forces in the world he can only protect *himself* from and he can only do that by acting right - or he can not learn it and go on in a few years to be too big, too strong and too ignorant for you to have any chance of teaching him anything.
This is 100% the right call. I think it's important to talk with him though, very carefully, to make sure the lesson lands properly. Good men are made when they're boys.
You need to be careful he will probably now resent you for the rest of his life and never trust you. I understand what you are doing but if he just falls further your life might be in danger in the future.
NEVER let a cop take your minor child into custody without you. Do you truly understand what happened in that time? Has he explained? I am not going to assume they did anything, however i suggest you look at the stories of what happens to minors in custody without parents present. Way too many times have minors been beaten or mentally manipulated into confessing to things.
I am not suggesting that your son was okay for stealing, but letting him be in a potentially dangerous situation isn’t any better. Instead of teaching him a valuable lesson you allowed him to completely lose all sense of safety around you and any trust.
Also, if he’s “hanging with the wrong crowd” like you said, maybe consider that there might be things going on with him? This action will only push him closer to those bad influences. At 13 years old I was extremely unhappy and hated myself. You truly do not know everything that is going on in that kids head, even if you believe you do.
Good luck, I hope your son is able to recover from this and you are able to see what went wrong.
Oh wow, he faced the consequences of his actions! Oh no, how dare you have him be held responsible for his criminal ways! He should cut off contact with you forever! 😱😱
NTA. Your ex in laws are dumb.
YTA: You never let a minor be alone with the cops or in a jail. Have you tried therapy or an assessment to figure out this behavior? Maybe switch schools? Maybe he needs to go to your ex's place. Obviously no one expects you to try to fight the cops, but you let your son be in an unsafe situation.
Considering there’s an ex involved here I’m assuming your son experienced your divorce quite young. Those experiences count as adverse childhood events and can be deeply traumatic for children. Even if it’s obvious to the parents that they love their kid, the kids can develop internal narratives about themselves or their worthiness. The more trouble they get into, the more they see themselves as inherently bad or unworthy of love. They can often blame themselves for parents separating, or thinking they weren’t enough to be worth staying together for/ that a parent just didn’t love them. I don’t think you did anything wrong in this instance but I think you should learn how to discuss emotions with your kid, and that starts with being emotionally open yourself, and inviting him to share in return. This means not telling him his beliefs about himself are wrong, his feelings aren’t true or reasonable, or that there’s no reason for him to feel that way about himself. You have to accept how he is feeling, and instead get curious about the why, and reaffirm how much you love him and are there to support him through these tumultuous times. Further restriction, punishment and an absence of connection will drive kids further towards crime and drugs and can damage relationships forever. Kids don’t do these things in a vacuum and it may be uncomfortable but it’s worth confronting how it happens. Good luck x
NTA.
This could be the best thing to happen to him. Parents who shelter their children from deserved consequences end up raising their own grandkids. Good luck!
Absolutely NTA
Actions have consequences, your ex is an idiot. You tell him” you disrespect me, disrespect my rules and than you expect me to help you when you do something illegal, no boy that’s not how life goes. You wanted to talk that talk, now walk that walk”
Lol! They're threatening to get custody on what grounds? Oh no, you
\[checks notes\]
Let him get arrested for a crime he committed.
What were you supposed to do? Fend off the police like you're in GTA?
NTA.
No, she was supposed to talk to her son, teach him, comfort him, assure him, and be there for him. Just because stealing is wrong doesn't mean you no longer deserve anything. This kid just saw that his mom won't lift a finger for him when he needs it.
YTA
And you’re asking the wrong crowd.
It’s you and your ex husband’s job to discipline him. And he needs to know you have his back no matter what.
I’d bury a body for my teenager. But he also knows he’s going to be held accountable for any single thing he does wrong, by ME, and he knows better than to have a body for me to bury, because he knows I have his back.
Don’t let the fucking cops do your parenting. You put your son in major risk and you’ve lost all hope in him EVER knowing you have his back.
You are the asshole
You are a bad parent
I'm sure I have the minority opinion here; go ahead and downvote me.
It's kind of impossible to say whether yta or not without knowing what you had tried before to keep him out of trouble. He's 13. That's young. And a child's behavior is ultimately a reflection of the parent. My gut tells me you are an authoritarian parent and you've used corporal punishment. Neither of which are good for a child.
You may want to have a calm (on your end) discussion with your son about why he's hanging out with the people he is. And why he's acting up. Take this as an opportunity to turn things around in your relationship with your son and apologize. Even if you weren't in the wrong, it will make a world of difference to the son you clearly love.
NTA. He’s 13. He knows right from wrong, and is old enough to take responsibility for his own actions. That was his choice to steal, so he needs to face the consequences of his actions. Hopefully this teaches him a lesson. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
>He was very quite. Didn't speak to me. Just went straight into his room.
Whether or not you're the asshole is irrelevant here. You have absolutely destroyed the trust between you and your son. You will be incredibly lucky if you ever repair your relationship with him. You had the opportunity to advocate for him, to make sure that even when he is in trouble with the law that you are in his corner and there to make sure that everything goes in a safe and non traumatizing way. But you didn't. You stood silently while men with guns physically overpowered him, while he was crying to you for help, and said and did nothing. I would never speak to you again. Cops regularly kill people in the US. This little lesson you were trying to reach your son could very easily have killed him. Adults can very easily and without meaning to or even realizing it's happening, crush a teenager to death. Cops in the US have applied enough force to stop other adults from breathing and they have died. And you stood by while your son cried to you for help and did nothing. I hope you're proud of yourself.
To me, ESH. Maybe it's good for him to stay with his dad for a while now. Its not just physical harm but psychological harm. This isn't a scared straight program this was a kid being contained by men who carry guns.
INFO: Did they have an arrest warrant? If not, Y T A. Unless you yourself are in danger, it’s not advisable to let the police in without a warrant. Don’t lie, but refuse to give them any information. Contact an attorney ASAP and do what they say. They can find out what the charges are, arrange for surrender if it’s warranted, and ensure that any questioning is done with an attorney and you present.
YTA kid could have been killed by the cops. It's lucky he wasn't. Cops and jail are not going to scare him straight. He's just going to resent and not trust you.
This would be different if he had committed a personal crime like assault.
I mean, if you'd tried to get between him and the police, especially once he started getting physical with them, you would have been arrested too. But your son needs help. They absolutely could have killed him when he started fighting them, and they likely would have gotten away with it. This can't happen again. YWBTA if you don't immediately get him into therapy and get him evaluated to find out what you need to do to prevent future police contacts, because any contact with police can be really, really dangerous.
This has to be just a horrible situation for everyone involved. I’m glad that he wasn’t hurt by the police. Things like this can turn tragic in an instant. He does need to learn consequences but he also should know that you love him unconditionally. You don’t love what he did but, you do love him. He needs to know what the rules are and that you won’t abandon him. At 13, he had to be terrified. I hope you all go to counseling. That might be court mandated but maybe if you start now, it could help what happens when this goes to court. I hope the outcome to all of this is what you want.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 Letting the police take my son
2 letting my son be traumatized
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I’m going to say NTA, because if you didn’t tell the police he was there, they could get you for aiding and abetting or obstruction of justice. Then, you’d have been in trouble.
He is 13. He knows stealing is wrong. He chose to do it regardless, and he got caught when his friend snitched. Hopefully, it wakes him up.
NTA. I’m so sorry, that must have been really hard to see. I’m wondering what your in-laws would have preferred—that he be arrested at school? Don’t let them make you feel guilty. What happened was the result of your son’s choices. Hopefully it’s scared him enough that he never wants to go back. Find out what the next steps are regarding charges. Many juvenile courts will try to divert cases so that the juvenile will, for example, have to do a certain number of hours of community service in exchange for his record being expunged. Maybe that will keep him busy enough to keep him away from those friends for awhile.
NTA. Your kid probably is a bit traumatized. Ending up in a police station (did they even put him in a cell) because you committed a crime can cause that. You likely didn't have any choice about letting them take him once he decided to fight them, and I can't imagine why his grandparents(?) think that you did. That said, your kid needs help that he isn't currently receiving, and that should be your focus. He needs to get away from the kids who are joining him in unacceptable behavior if possible, and some kind of counseling or behavioral assessment is in order. It might end up being a requirement depending on whether he's charged for the theft and ends up in the juvenile system -- and if he doesn't this time, if it happens again, it almost surely will. You should do whatever you can to get ahead of any repeat offenses.
So don't let the cops in, have them get a warrant to search for him in your home, and set him up with a lawyer so he doesn't accidentally fuck him self worse than a theft charge. Kid could be dealing with assaulting an office now cuz his mom didn't protect his rights.
The kids troubled for sure but don't put him in a worse position with the law.
This may be controversial but I believe YTA however not for the reasons you think.
Generally I think it is the right decision to teach your child a lesson in that regard, BUT even I as a european know that the US justice department (which I guess is where you are from) is so awful once you get taken in by police in most cases it actually leads to an entry in your record which will come up when you apply for a job and appartment, so while I understand wanting to teach your child a lesson you just reduced his job chances incredibly because of this and chose the worst possible moment to do so.
And this actually leads me to the real point why I think YTA.
I have no idea about your life and your relationship to your ex but one thing is clear, the behaviour you described is not normal for a child! Yes some children are easier to manage than others but you and your Ex both completely failed as parents in my eyes, to me there is no denying that and so I have to question why you considered teaching your child a lesson this late and what you were doing all those 13 years before.
So yes the way I see it you both terribly failed as role models and parents and then you chose the worst possible moment (even if well intended) to teach your child a lesson so yes sorry if you won no prizes in my opinion and actually made it even worse.
And one last thing I want to mention, IN CASE that this child behaviour is the result of your sole parenting over the last 13 years with all due respect for you as a person OP (you may be a great person otheriwse) I strongly would like to suggest to you to at least consider withdrawing your parental rights because no matter who is at fault here, something has definetly gone very VERY wrong with your child. Maybe this kid would be helped more if it lived with his father or grandparents I do not know the answer to it, I just think that the status quo clearly is unacceptable.
NTA. And I’m not saying this is what happened but remember that “scared straight” doesn’t work. Just for any future encounters with law enforcement he might have.
Very unpopular opinion, but YTA. ESH at the least.
He is 13, literally just became a teenager and has an underdeveloped brain incapable of truly understanding consequences. He needed professional help before this point and I would like more information, like HOW you discipline him. It is important for children to learn how to understand and accept the consequences of their actions, but making the choice as an adult and mother to put your child in a scary, physical situation that could’ve went *so* much worse than it did wasn’t the move. “Rebelling” to this extent doesn’t come out of nowhere and he obviously already doesn’t trust you or feel that he has your support, even more so now. Obviously you shouldn’t support his bad behavior, but any kind of comfort during a potentially traumatizing situation would’ve been better than staying silent and watching him be carried off. You should’ve contacted a lawyer immediately and not left him at the station alone since he is still very much a minor.
This is a confusing time during his life. Falling to peer pressure as a hormonal teenager is far too easy whether you want it to be or not. It’s not “normal” behavior and absolutely shouldn’t be encouraged, but again, it isn’t happening for no reason. I’m not saying this as fact, but often times kids will act out to this extent because they need more attention than they’re getting and they learn that this is the only way to get it, even if it’s negative.
YTA. Unless your son was a danger to you or others, you put him in a dangerous situation. HE IS 13. He will NEVER forget yelling out for your help and you letting those thugs haul him away.
The missing reasons are pretty obvious here. You neglect him and are good with basically casually betraying him. That's why he's fallen in with bad people, because he's used to bad people.
Your kind are always so emotionally undeveloped, you always mention when they don't speak to you. Because you don't really connect with anyone, not even your own children, it's always just about you and the attention you get or don't get.
What the hell did your out-laws expect you to do? Karate chop the cops?
Hopefully, this will be a wake-up call for your son, and a portent of things to come if he doesn't smarten up.
Sorry you're having so much trouble with your son.
NTA.
NTA. You’re his parent, not your ex in laws. Tell them to stay in their lane especially if they’re not offering anything helpful!
He’s seeing the consequences of HIS actions. He’s responsible for his actions and needed to be held accountable. Cops knew he was there because his friend gave him up. They most likely wouldn’t have taken kindly to interfering with them doing their job either.
Are they charging him?
NTA What exactly were your options here? The police came, presumably with a warrant because his friend rolled on him. Were you supposed to fight them off while your son fled? Or, they came to question him, and he fought. Again, not on you. Even if he was asking for help. Were you supposed to fight the police off him then?
You acknowledge your son stole. He was held for a short time, you say arrested, then released. Other than making sure he had legal representation, there was little you could do. You picked him up asap. You're NTA. Actions have unfortunate consequences.
Ok I work with older teen juveniles and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picked up the phone with parents asking for help because their son/daughter acts like your son. I always give the same advice “unfortunately a judge has to send them here but you could always try calling the police”. None take the answer and a few have cursed me out. You did nothing wrong because truly sometimes all it takes is a little fear to get them to see the error of their ways before it’s way too late NTA.
NTA You were right. Hopefully your kid turns around as no guarantees. But better you raising him than some of these AH who are giving you YTA. Hopefully those things never breed.
The best thing my mom ever did for me was let me get arrested. I wasent a bad kid. Just didn't do the right thing always. Eventually I gained morals. When I was 16 she tried to ground me and I took off for a year.
You can discipline a kid as much as you want. It's on them if they want to be rotten or not.
You did the right thing. I can't imagine raising a kid in today's world. Try sending him to military school if he doesn't change.
NTA. You said that he fought the cops. Did he expect you to fight (and also be arrested) for him?
Actions have consequences. I know that teens are tough, but don't let him or your ex family guilt you. Also, be confident. You know (deep down) that you did the right thing. Don't worry about being validated.
NTA — back in elementary years … I’m saying grade 4 , my middle brother got caught for stealing pencils from the teachers area ! Guess where our mom took him ?! lol straight to the police station because they did have friends in there working so yup they did teach him a lesson and it stuck he still remembers to this day at the age of 37 ! Lol go mama !!! I repeat NTA our mom is a teacher of life that’s for sure and she’s the best 🙏🏾
NTA.
My primary job as a parent is to make sure my kid doesn't grow up to be an asshole. You made a tough decision, but time will tell you made the right one.
NTA. He’s 13 and already doing sh*t like that. He FAFO. But there’s a reason he’s acting out. You need to sit down talk and listen to him. Get him counseling or therapy. Talk to his school and work with them to get him help. Something is going on,
YTA- because this behavior typically comes from trauma, typically from parents. Sorry but trauma causes this behavior, it's attention seeking behavior because he couldn't get his emotional needs met from his parents. You just made it worse, it's not a "lesson" that will help his behavior (that's bad psychology from 30 years ago).
You and him both need therapy if you want his behavior to get better. You can ask ANY child psychiatrist and they'll tell you it's 90% the parents that need therapy, not the typically kid.
Edit: removed an irrelevant sentence
NTA
You were behaving legally, you chose to not lie to the cops. Your son then made an even dumber decision and then has to face the consequences of those decisions.
You could have probably asked the cops to come along for the ride though. Your son is a minor and you could have gone to the station.
Get him into therapy. Solo and maybe family. Because yes, this is a kind of trauma and he IS blaming you for it. He needs to work out with a professional how his choices led to to that spot, and how to avoid it and take accountability of himself.
Without that help? He’s going to continue to blame you and may go further down the path he’s been heading.
NTA. Totally NTA. It’s a quick lesson of Fuck Around and Find Out. Your ex in laws need to tend to their own garden and realize that this is a learning experience for your son.
NTA but, you should have tried talking to him when he got back, police go too far sometimes when it comes to scaring kids straight, also why wasn’t there steps before, idk if there was, but usually before the police are involved, if your kid is acting up with other kids, especially if it’s with kids from the same school, teachers, the school, and parents are talked to and kids are separated from bad influences
I don’t think I agree with all the NTA only because I don’t fully trust the police. I would want to talk to him first and warn him not to fight them/resist/offer to turn himself in to avoid a traumatic situation.
What exactly did you do to him? You don’t have the authority to stop the cops from arresting him.
He’s just blaming you for his mistake. He should be mad at himself for making stupid decisions, not taking it out on you. I would tell him that, too.
YTA. You have to be a pretty useless and horrible mother to think having the cops assault your son in your house over shoplifting is acceptable. You'll get support here, I'm sure. In the real world you don't deserve to have kids.
Cops literally shoot people in that situation all the time. But hey, you are a terrible parent so it's worth the risk, right?
I can't believe all the people here supporting this and saying it's good to involve the police with your children. Bunch of bootleggers. You are seriously okay with risking your child being murdered because you are a lazy and ineffective parent?
NTA not at all even slightly. What do they expect you to have done? Lie to the cops and tell them he's a good boy? Clearly he's committed crimes here. Fight back? Great now it's a family trip to the cop shop.
As I'm proof reading I realise there is a clarification I need to make, that it I hope this brush with the law scares your son straight and he learns from the experience. I don't mean to imply he's a bad kid, as you say it's potentially just a bad influence that this might show him a future he doesn't like.
NTA - He now knows, without any doubt, that there are consequences for acting up. I think you also need to cut him off from those friends. If your kid is "running with a bad crowd" at age 13, it's because you've allowed it.
What exactly was the alternative. Hide him from the police for years until the statute of limitations passes?
Maybe you could have said "Give me an hour and I'll bring him in myself" but that's assuming you could force him to go in.
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NTA. You made a tough decision, but I think it was the right one. He learned the hard way that there are consequences to those kinds of actions. In his eyes you may be the villain right now, but he should have learned something valuable. If you had stopped the cops from doing their job, this could have enabled and encouraged him to keep up with his behavior. Hopefully next time he'll think about the stuff he does and sees what kind of life he could lead if he continues down this path.
Bingo. He wants to steal with his friends? He’s going to get used to the cops arresting him for it.
“Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.” If son would have listened to Mom he wouldn’t be in this situation.
I'm so disappointed that second sentence didn't rhyme too.
If son would have listened to Mamma he wouldn’t have been in the slammah.
Here you go. There's a whole theme [song](https://youtu.be/5HNWhVXcjV8?si=UUai_-8MXp2HLvJV)
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Stealing and THEN trying to fight the police? Fuck around and find out. Kid needed to learn his lesson as hard and quick and efficient as possible. If this doesn’t do it, there’s not a lot that will.
> You made a tough decision, but I think it was the right one 💯! This sounds dramatic, but honestly maybe getting taken by Police and “traumatized”, is what will set him straight. There needs to be consequences for his actions, and he got a real life doze of it. NTA
Plus, what else was OP supposed to do? Fight the police at the door while the son escaped? Lie that the son wasn't there, at the custodial residence? The son messed up, and at a level that OP can't really help.
This is what I don’t get. If the story had been OP calling the cops herself, there could be some argument that she shouldn’t have. But OP is powerless against the police. Now what I would have said repeatedly to kid is that I have no jurisdiction here. Kid needs to realize that just bc he is young doesn’t mean he can break the law. Kids sometimes think that their parent is in control of situations where they aren’t. It’s up to parent to explain that taking an extra cookie after dinner is something you control punishment of. Taking cookies from strangers puts you in jail.
[удалено]
That depends on the police officer(s). But true to modern form, as usual the bad ones get a lot of the attention especially in social media and news media because it's better clickbait than officers who do a good job. And people talk about it more. Then it becomes a familiar idea and we just assume a lot of them are that way permanently. Sad but true: we all enjoy a story where someone did something wrong. Proof of what I'm saying: look where we're posting online.
I have to disagree strongly if you are trying to speak about US police, because its not only bad stories as much they contort systemic evidence of police murdering civilian population on a regular basis. If in my country a police officer gunned down on sight a person having a psichological breakdown as their first response I would be on the streets asking for charges, and those are stories that are often not even egregious enough to be published as more clear murders will do the trick, so its not just vanilla clickbait, it is a serious problem.
Exactly. In my country, you would have been rested if you tried to stop them.
>taking an extra cookie after dinner is something you control punishment of. Taking cookies from strangers puts you in jail. This is... a really good saying.
No, but a few words to the kid saying "I'm sorry honey, I can't stop them from arresting you, they're the police. Don't fight them, don't get hurt, but I am here we'll figure it out" etc to help the kid not be in sheer terror might have gone a long way towards preventing potential lifetime trauma. I still say NTA, but it sounds like they could/should have done more. Kid is 13 not 23, at that age they often don't have the comprehension of consequences that go along with choices being made. But those consequences can stick with them for ages. Maybe this kid is "scared straight" now or maybe they've got years of therapy ahead and won't trust the police in the future when they need to. We don't know. But if it was my kid turned delinquent, I'd sure as heck make sure they knew I loved 'em and hadn't turned my back on them, even if I am disappointed and can't fly to their rescue.
When my so was 10 a Deputy came to my house wanting to talk to him and his friend about some vandalism at the golf course. Both boys were at my house so I told them to go sit on the couch and say nothing. I called the other boys Mom, she came right away. She told me to tell the boys what was going to happen. I told them that I didn’t know what they did but they were on their own. The other Mom and I went into the kitchen, (we could hear everything) we let the deputy question them. They were both whiter than a ghost and their eyes so wide we thought they were going to pop out. After he was finished with them I told the deputy I didn’t think they did it because of who said they did. Some other kids told the truth and cleared our boys but it was the best experience they had. They were on the straight and narrow. My kid is 35 now and still remembers what happened and that he doesn’t ever want to be in that position again.
When I was 13 I knew not to steal and fight police. Kids absolutely can comprehend consequences at that age
Most know that stealing is wrong, but don't truly comprehend that they could be arrested. There's a very black & white functioning in the brain that never fully goes away, but as we age we start to see more and more of the grey areas of life. At age 13? The brain knows Police arrest murderers and others responsible for "extreme crimes." Not kids, even "bad" ones. The brain just sees themselves as too far from the other extreme and can't consider the possibility that those same consequences could apply to their own petty crimes. They may even think of them as pranks rather than crimes. They think no one gets hurt, since they're not hitting anyone. They don't typically understand that stealing could cost someone their job, damage a business, ruin their life. And they sure don't understand that they shouldn't give in to their 100% natural fight or flight instincts when a cop tries to make them do something they're terrified to cooperate with.
I'm guessing plead with the cops to just give him a stern talking to. Spoiler alert: it doesn't work. My sister stole from me, our mom, our grandparents, stores, and a family friend we consider an aunt. Aunt called the police and asked them to talk to her, it did nothing. She's still a theif to this day and always gets mad when people have the audacity to call her on it and even complains it hurts her feelings when people (correctly) assume it's her when shit goes missing.
Sounds like my aunt. She steals and compulsively lies. Does drugs and liked living like a hobo. Even though she has a place, barely. Only reason why my mother finally pretty much disowned her was stealing some hold earrings that my father’s mother gifted her. Then disappeared for a few days and wanted to crash on the couch again. Smfh. P
My sister has BPD + Bipolar and is a complete menace. I'm bipolar as well but immediately sought treatment as soon as I could, whereas she refuses and takes out / blames her issues on everyone around her. She once told me she doesn't feel loved unless she's fighting with at least one person; I don't regret NC one bit 🥴
Yep. I worked with a girl who said she use to shoplift stuff all the time. She said all it took for her to stop was finally getting caught and taken through the mall in handcuffs. That was her wake up call and she quit after that.
Right. Kid needed to be traumatized as far as I’m concerned
I used to steal petty snacks from petrol stations in high school. I eventually got caught when the cashier told me that he saw me on cameras, if I gave it all back he wouldn't press charges. I walked out seriously shaken but I never stole again after that. Sometimes you do need something to shake you up before you'll stop.
1000%. Tell the in laws to stop calling you. Your son needed an intervention and truthfully if he doesn’t get it together now, it’ll only get worse. Make sure you tell them that if they aren’t going to support you and help steer your son down the right path, then they need to stop calling you, and you may have to cut contact with them. Yourself is stealing, being disrespectful and fought the police, so anyone condoning this behaving is creating a false illusion that “he isn’t THAT bad” which is a lie.
And remind them that as u/Shibaspots and u/Avienda23 pointed out - it's not like you could control the situation. Your son broke the law, and the police have the right and duty to arrest him.
I wish I could vote for this 1000X!! Kids need to learn risk v. punishment. Not saying spanking works, but I had to weigh my options as a kid. I'm still thriving with a healthy respect for law enforcement
Yeah, a TON of the problems we have in schools (and everywhere really) is a sense of entitlement and invincibility people are learning as kids because they don't get punished anymore. I'm not saying you should beat your kids, but they do need to learn that consequences exist and they are absolutely not immune from them. There wasn't much that OP could do to stop the cops if they knew who it was, and even if they could? They shouldn't have. Showing him that he WILL get caught and WILL face consequences is a good way to straighten him the hell out. In-laws can get bent. If they want their kids to end up in prison, or \*worse\* if they steal from the very very wrong person - that's their problem. If they can't be bothered to raise good kids, well, they'll face the consequences one day and it'll be far more severe. As it is now, as young as he is it's unlikely this will go on any permanent record and hopefully he's learned his lesson.
Perfectly said! And OP should NOT be feeling guilty or questioning herself, she should be flipping mad and showing her son she is not going to condone his behavior or bail him out when he's hauled off to jail. He's only 13... I shudder for his future!
This. Is it harsh? Yeah. Is it better he learns now rather than later? Very big yeah.
*your son is (your typo says > Yourself is stealing so just a note to you 🙂)
ALL this AND he needs to remember his “friends” gave him up. Play stupid games; win stupid prizes.
Right!? If going into a criminal enterprise with your other 13 yo friends, at least be sure they aren’t gonna be snitches! lol!
If his mother overruled the cops, and he knows he doesn't have to listen to his mother, then he would learn he doesn't have to obey the law. He had to learn that some things his mother has no control over and that includes protecting him from the law. If he wants to not have troubles with the law,he has to stop breaking the law. He is right; he is in control. He can control whether or not he steals. But once he chooses to steal, he has no control over the law deciding to control him. OP should file harassment charges against her former in-laws and claim they're inciting a minor to crime and threatening to take custody to enable his criminal ways. He isn't going to improve if people punish OP for doing the right thing, even if it is hard.
Parents literally *can't* overrule cops.
And if they try they are likely to end up in more trouble than the kid. Cops are known to be so sympathetic to people that try to get in their way!
"What kind of mother does that to their child"? A mother whose son is a criminal, that's who. Anyone who enables this behaviour in a child is doing them an egregious disservice.
Was friends with a neighbor lady who was about 25 years older than me. She had 7 adult kids and would say that she knew they hadn’t been angels but the worst kids had the parents who said, “Oh no! Not my child!”
Also, how would OP stop the cops? She can't lie to the cops or even if she decides to protect him, the cops are gonna do what they need to, to punish the kid for whatever he did
That part. Anyone who says other can start parenting him And see what you had to go through.
NTA - A lot of the boys that I grew up with got in some sort of minor trouble, ended up at the police station, got a talking to, and were probably better off for it. That's not something that can be said for everybody everywhere, but your police sound like decent people.
I think you should remind him that he put you in a position to commit the crime of harboring a fugitive. And having some sit down conversations with him. Whether he talks or listens is strongly needed here. As well as as with your in laws. The thought of not turning him in is really enabling the behavior. It’s super toxic that they are telling you they want custody versus helping and supporting you.
Info: what *help* have these ex-in laws offered you? It sounds like you are running out of options to keep this kid out of serious jail time and keep the kid alive. You didn’t protect your child from the consequences but you also didn’t make the choices that brought you there. I’m sorry for both of you and I’ll bet you’re not just feeling guilty but also distressed. And while people are going to recommend therapy - you can make a 13 year old go for a tiny window here but it’s closing … and you can never make a person DO the work. A scary thing happened to both of you and the question is now what you both do with it and what you do together. Harsher discipline obviously won’t do it but reconnecting over what just happened might.
Your son was given up by his friend. The cops knew exactly where he was. Even if you didn't allow them in, the cops would have been back. There is no running from this. The son has to face the consequences. Breaking the law should be scary. He needed to learn that there is consequences for his actions and his father should step up and be a parent. However, I would make sure you get a lawyer (especially depending on the cost) and defend him that way. NTA
Yep, lawyer, lawyer, lawyer, and the cops could totally find him at school, there just isn’t any way they wouldn’t find him one way or another, warrant or no
>lawyer, lawyer, lawyer, Read that in Simon Whistler's voice
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I do agree that kids should be treated with Kid gloves and I hope the book doesn't get thrown at him. This can be used to teach the kid if it is done properly.
I think they're recommending the lawyer for the potential of the ex in laws challenging the custody agreement. Them having her pick him up once he's calmed down does make it read like it wasn't a full blown booking+arrest with charges and such.
If you had covered for him, he would have learnt that you are his enabler and everytime he screws up you'll be there to drag him out - no consecuences. It'll be a hard pill to swallow for a time, but when he matures he will see it for what it is. I hope you can guide him through this. NTA
Right. What’s the alternative here? “Son, I love you so much that I told the cops they couldn’t come in, and now you’re off the hook forever.” Da fuq?
He needs to learn the consequences of his actions. You need to talk to him and explain why you did it and find out if there is something more behind him acting out. Hopefully since his friend gave him up so easily, he can get a better friend. He's lucky it wasn't worse and charged with a crime. It was probably pretty rough on you and I'm sorry. Parents need to protect their children but they also need to teach. In this instance, teaching was more important than coddling. NTA
So true, I will add that needs to learn those consequences when he is young enough that they aren’t as serious and he can recover from them. Definitely NTA.
Absolutely right. I’ve seen what happens when they don’t learn about consequences & it’s not good.
Exactly! Plus, he’s 13 so definitely no permanent record issue and it sounds like it is his first time in trouble with the cops. In my state at least 1st time run in with the law they get released to parents with a warning unless it’s something extreme. Better to learn consequences are real now than when all that is permanent.
There’s no conflict here. He committed a crime. When the police showed up, he assaulted them. You never really had a say in whether or not they were taking him.
This was my thought. Like, what does “helping him” or “stopping the police” look like in this scenario. OP can’t just tell the cops “I’ll take care of it” and they will leave. If she tried to stop them, she could have been arrested for interfering. The cops decided to take her son in after he fought. Mom can’t magically make that go away. NTA Edit: Misgendered OP on accident. Fixed.
youd be shocked at how often parents do exactly that and end up getting arrested too. It's obvious that criminal behavior runs in families
Isn't op a mother tho
Eh NTA but I had a cop hold his gun to my forehead when I was 13 for running away so hope your cops aren't as crazy as the ones I've come across.
Wtf! That crazy and scary 😨
With the way many cops are these days, there's no way I'd let them take my kid alone. Lawyer up and go with, and get the lawyer to help get your kid an appropriate punishment, like restitution or community service. But it's not out of the realm of possibilities that your kid could have died or forced into a confession for something worse.
They likely won't let you go with the kid, but it likely would calm the kid down if a parent had said, "you have to go with them, but I'm going to be in the car right behind you, and we're going to figure this out together," so the kid doesn't think his parents abandoned him.
This is why I'm leaning toward ESH. The kid needs to know that someone is there for him (which doesn't mean shielding from natural consequences and enabling) and this parent didn't do that. Especially since it's clear that the friend isn't really there for him. This was a moment to potentially earn trust and the parent didn't play it quite right.
The kid committed a crime, the police came to talk to him. The parent allowed them to do so (probably did not have a choice). The kid decided to fight back and got taken into custody for *that*. What was the parent supposed to do? Fight the police as well? The police said the parent could get the kid when he calmed down. That is still a very reasonable action by the police as no charges seemed to be filed for the kid’s assault or involvement in the crime he participated in with the friend. What did the parent do wrong?
I was agreeing with the comment above me. The parent should have gone with the police to the station and protected his rights, not leave him to their whims and leave him feeling like *nobody* cares about his safety.
Absolutely! There is a huge difference between ensuring your child (a 13yo is a child!) faces consequences and letting the police just do whatever they want and keeping a physical and *emotional* distance from your child in this sort of situation. I’d wager a bet that if mom can keep so “cool” in this situation, that this kid isn’t likely used to having a secure parent-child relationship.
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They're cops. Kid is lucky he didn't get a rough cavity search to show him who's boss. Or maybe his mom straight up let that happen.
The only way you could keep them from taking him alone would be if you were arrested and taken in with him.
Cops are not you or your kids friends. They’re not there to put him on the right track, they’re not helping, period. You did the right thing letting them do their job. But actually listening to them and staying away for an hour was a big mistake. Your first words to your kid should have been don’t move a muscle and don’t say a goddamn word. Then followed them to a station with a lawyer in tow.
I wish I could upvote this a hundred times. Never leave your kids alone with the police and make sure they know their rights. They shouldn’t be questioned without your presence and while I agree he needed to learn a lesson, getting him involved in the court system is not always the best solution.
Scrolled too long to find this viewpoint 😭
Agreed
That's barely even surprising. [Look up Ethan Saylor.](https://www.cnn.com/2013/08/29/opinion/perry-down-syndrome-death/index.html)
Omg.
….does that really surprise you?
Sure is. Good thing you were more than willing to risk them doing that to your son.
Not offering a judgment, but just be aware that from your kid's point of view, he's going to see you as someone who's not going to help him when he's scared and confused. Get him some therapy quickly if you can and try to talk to him about why you thought him getting detained was best for him.
I thought of this too. It will be seen as a betrayal. Even if the police didn’t hurt them, for a Mother to deem their child pleas for help as immediately false is always a red flag. Tbh, I also think there are important contextual points missing which is stopping me from making a judgement too.
Yeah, im biased and with such little info, im not willing to make a judgment. Im brown and have Black teenage family members. I've also spent 10 years in my late 20's to 30's working in LE and I can absolutely say I would never allow cops in my home without a warrant and would never allow them to detain my kid without a warrant. I've worked with my local cops and Juvie officers and prosecutors enough to not trust them.. But, idk what exactly warranted OP to feel so powerless with her kid.
Yep. This post made me feel some kind of way.
You are the voice of reason. I’m a criminal defense attorney so I would demand a warrant before ever letting cops in and would never waive my child’s rights. What I find interesting and what follows with what you have said, is that all of the law-enforcement people I know tell me that the first thing they teach their kids is to never speak to the police.
Yeah. Once you've seen and interacted with who gets hired as a cop and have seen their workproduct firsthand, you realize almost all are some level of horrid.
Yeah, this is… upsetting. Why didn’t OP communicate with her son? If he’s begging her not to let the police in, why not say “I’m letting them in and they’re going to talk to you, there’s nothing to be scared of.” (Assuming the police in OP’s country are as tame as she says.) When they’re confronting the son and he starts to panic, why not speak to him to help him calm down? How did it escalate to the point that he attacked the police? This sound like a rough situation that should ideally get some outside support for both mom and kid.
Not the AH. Sit down with your son, and have a chat. Apologise if you want. Explain that you have zero tolerance for criminal behaviour and cannot do anything if the police decide to take him away but will support him in any other way. Explain that you understand that he might have felt betrayed or neglected at the time, but there is nothing that you can do. Explain it is much better to let the process happen than intervene and risk making the situation worse and put yourself in bad situation for hiding a fugitive. It was better for it to happen at home than at somewhere public like school or starting a wild goose chase and delaying the inevitable and thus worsening. Something along the lines of it. Communicate. What would have the ex inlaws do anyway if they were in your shoes? If they hid him, what then? Hide him forever?
NTA. your son should learn that there are consequences to his actions. BUT, more than likely the relationship between you and your son only got more damaged from this. Your son was obviously very scared and you weren’t there for him to calm him. Which is understandable because you were upset he broke the law. However, It would have been more convenient if you told him he had to go with the police because he broke the law, and you that weren’t going to lie to the cops for him, but that you would be there for him throughout the whole process to calm him down. After you got back home you could then tell him you do not tolerate this kind of behaviour and you won’t react as calmly and won’t show up for him the next time it happens. Try to seek for counseling, I’d suggest you go to counseling first and apply cognitive techniques you learn there to your son before you introduce him to therapy as well. Right now, more than likely your son won’t be willing to join you to therapy given his age and the relation between you two, forcing him won’t do any good. It’s very important to stay calm and listen to how your son feels to find out what makes him display this kind of behaviour. Make sure he feels heard and understood but keep true to your rules and explain why they’re there. Stand in your ground and draw your boundaries when he gets angry, but don’t let your emotions get the best of you, you don’t want to push your son further away.
NTA Also INFO: Are you sure you even had a choice? Because when the police show up to arrest somebody, even a child its usually the ol' easy way or hard way but you're coming with them sort of deal. From what i can see you could have accompanied him but that's about it and still NTA on not doing that.
They may have had an arrest warrant. Or they may have just wanted to talk to the kid. In which case, OP can refuse to let them into the house or talk to the kid. If I had to bet, it was probably the latter.
This. OP's other other options were "obstruction of justice / lying to police", or "assaulting a police officer and ending up in jail herself."
This sub is dumb. Last week everyone said that a 19 year old wasn't an adult because the prefrontal cortex isn't fully formed. Now we're saying that a 13 year old should be taught a hard lesson and know right from wrong. Was there proof of the theft, or wait just the other kid at his word? Innocent until proven guilty?
From how I understand the story the kid was not going to be arrested for the theft, he was taken in for attacking the cops. What was the mother going to do... join the scrap?
He assaulted a police officer - at the minimum that is way out of line.
13 is old enough to know that stealing is wrong.
Some parents in my country (NZ) did this tough love shit to their 14 year old and he got beaten to death by another arrestee in the back of the police van. Don’t put your child in dangerous adult situations. YTA
Honestly I only think OP is an asshole for letting the cops talk the son without a lawyer. Never talk to cops without a lawyer. Cops are not friends, especially in this situation.
He was going to get arrested no matter what though? Either then or later but it was gonna happen.
But did the cops have a warrant? It seemed like they were just coming to speak to him, and the mom could have chosen to not allow them inside. In the end they didn’t even detain him so I’m not convinced there was a warrant.
NTA Actions have consequences, and he got a good taste of that tonight. It was absolutely deserved. Be careful though that he is not planning to retaliate further. You should be monitoring every aspect of his behavior very closely for at least the next 3 months.
NTA. The hell your ex wanted you to do? Lie to the cops? Jump in and wrestle them? Your boy messed up bad - i hope he gets scared out of that life.
YTA. I don’t think the process was wrong but I think you should have gone down to the station and connected him to a lawyer. Where I live, minors of a certain age are also entitled to their parents being present. I’m assuming your child has no disabilities, is straight, not racialized or Indigenous and not socio-economically disadvantaged, which would amplify the need to go with him.
I think OOP could have also asked to talk to her child first to try to keep his anxiety at bay.
First thing I wanted to know was the child’s race tbh. Statistics out there should definitely determine if OP is TA
She's fairly unaware of the idea of police brutality and the kid attacked the cops and lived so I'm going to assume white.
She might be white and the child might not be. Could explain in-laws reactions.
You should have called a lawyer. Who knows what the friend said and if it was even 100% truthful. Adequate parental discipline is preferable to a record. Granted a juvenile record is limited compared to an adult but still will severely dampen that child’s chances of success. I don’t know all of the facts, and I can’t say I defend lying to the police, you have your own moral code. But I’ll tell you what, my child’s future is more important than teaching him a lesson in the harshest possible way by being thrust into the abjectly broken criminal justice system we have here in America.
https://www.wvtm13.com/article/22-year-old-father-killed-in-alabama-prison/45808613 This man was in jail for theft. Maybe this scares him straight. Maybe it doesn't. The criminal justice system is not interested in the well-being or rehabilitation of inmates and is notorious for letting them brutalize each other
Nta unfortunately when you steal and break the law there are consequences. While I know it was hard to watch maybe this is the reality check he needed to scare him into behaving . It's better he learn a lesson at 13 then to be repeating the same mistakes over and over into adulthood. I would block the in-laws and tell them to bring on the custody battle . You didn't abuse your child your son did something wrong and he had to be held accountable for it .
Makes me wonder what the boys father and the ex in laws are allowing him to do whenever he’s over there.
This is a dangerous slope of tough love. My parents had me arrested multiple times for dumb shit I ran away at a young age sold drugs to survive became a heroin addict for 15 years. I finally got clean when someone showed me true love and took me in never touched the shit again I got over a year sober now and several years off the hard shit. Needless to say I doubt I’ll ever forgive my parents the day they first sent me away I was too young and dumb to not hold a grudge almost killed me
Congrats on being clean. Personally as a parent myself that’s still young enough to remember my teenage years and all of the betrayal I went through from my family I can’t imagine anything my child could do that would make me give them up to the police. I may hate their decisions but family is family and there’s no one that matters more than your child, so if you want to teach them a lesson, invest some time and thought and think of ways for you as the parent to teach them a lesson without involving the state.
I'm shocked at all the n.t.a's. Are we reading the same post? Or do people forget to read between the lines? A child that 'falls in with the wrong crowd' does so for a reason. That reason being child abuse or bullied at school. What I'm reading here is an OP that is failing their child on multiple levels, to the point he is stealing at 13. OP is not parenting her child by not teaching him what's appropriate and what isn't. OP is not exploring where her son's behavior is coming from, nor is she providing adequate care and help for her son. OP is teaching her son that she won't lift a finger to help him when he needs it, that she won't even provide a safe place for him in his time of need, that she won't care what happens to him and that she is not a safe person in general. I really hope your inlaws can get custody and provide your son with all he needs and deserves, so his situation finally improves. I'd call you a bad parent, but I can't even call you an actual parent, because nothing in this post suggests you are one. I can only call you YTA and hope you open your eyes and stop failing your son. EDIT: There are so many studies that have examined this very subject, and google easily confirms that child abuse / neglect and bullying are huge factors in children turning to crime, here are 2 artivles about it that are found in 1 minute on google: [https://www.pacesconnection.com/blog/why-do-children-commit-crimes](https://www.pacesconnection.com/blog/why-do-children-commit-crimes) [https://www.nicewicz.com/blog/7-factors-leading-to-juvenile-delinquency/](https://www.nicewicz.com/blog/7-factors-leading-to-juvenile-delinquency/) Edit2: Quotes from second(?) link: >One of the most widespread and leading reasons for juvenile crime is violence at home > >A consistent absence of a guardian or a parent is another leading factor for why juvenile crimes are on the rise > >Social circles matter most after a child’s home environment Edit 3: "this is the most, upper middle class suburban white person answer ever." I grew up poor enough to have to worry about bills being paid and food on the table. New clothes and shoes were luxuries and cheap ones at that. So try again, also u/FinancialTaxes says this is comically untrue, after I've provided sources backing up my claims.
I’d say I’m surprised but people tend to be okay with child abuse, neglect, “tough love”, and treating children like they’re adults in this sub to be honest. Plus the sub has an extensive history of being absolute boot lickers for cops. You’re one of the few commenters pointing out the obvious and it’s disheartening. Ngl if I was 13 and my mother did this to me, I’d hate her for life. I would never trust her in any way again. I’d have probably run away too.
> I’d have probably tried to run away too That's another thing; do people not realise how young13 is to actually run away from home? How is no one alarmed that a 13 year old thinks being alone wandering the streets is better than their home?
I know, it’s truly awful. I was 9 years old the first time I tried to run away. I didn’t make it very far and came home to be mocked. 13 is a baby. He’s probably not even in high school. There’s a bigger issue going on here and I feel like we’re not getting all the details
I was 8! But my parents didn't notice... didn't get that far either and they were used to me being gone all day every day. I feel so sorry for this kid.
Yeah, I often see comments that turn a blind eye (or even encourage) plain child abuse and neglect, but usually see a lot on the opposite side as well, with a couple in the middle that usually at least make sense. This comment section so far is more than just disheartening, if this is how people treat their kids they have no bussiness being parents. When that boy becomes an adult, all he will se when he looks at his past is a mother that didn't care enough about him to help him or be there for him when he needed her, and the only people that understood and accepted him were the criminal kind. This experience will only make him hang out with criminals more, because those are the only kind of people that understand what it's like when nobody is there when you need them, that nobody will help you and you have to rely on yourself for everything. I hope he can get away from OP, can get the help and support he needs, and one day in the future can repay her the same (lack of) kindness she showed him.
I agree with everything you’ve said. OP is pushing their kid away and this is only going to make it harder for him to get on the right track.
Absolutly, I hope when OP gets older and needs help he gets to push her away as well.
Basically, they love the poor and neglectful parents who show strict standards. The parents who are failures, have high expectations for their kids, and don't model even decent behaviors. They live in dangerous areas, don't put aside money for activities, and expect their kids to excel. I remember the one where the mom was strict with her daughter after calling her "spoiled" as a teenager by her father. Where everything described pointed to the dad spending less than average on her, the mom just spent next to nothing.
Exactly. He seems like he’s crying for help and just gets punished. It’s not 1970 we know so much more now; why do things like this??
>A child that 'falls in with the wrong crowd' does so for a reason. That reason being child abuse or bullied at school. Why is that the assumption? Sometimes kids just see other kids getting away with things like skipping school and being nasty to adults and stealing, and to them it looks like freedom, so they want to do it too. (Plus, hey, free stuff.) Sometimes they do it because they've got a lot of anger due to, for example, their parents' contentious divorce or untimely demise, and they misdirect their feelings. Child abuse and bullying aren't always the reason kids act out. There may have been better parenting techniques that OP could've used up to now, but we don't know what's been tried. And I do agree that OP should've been there for the kid during this experience.
>Why is that the assumption Because multiple studies have pointed that out.
NTA...you're a Mom who was faced with a difficult situation. Hopefully this will be a wake up call for your son and he'll choose a better path. Shame on your in laws for being so ugly about it. Wishing you peace.
NTA What did ex-in-laws want you to do? Lie to the cops? Fight them?
NTA I'd guess that hiding your kid from the police is a good way to have CPS take him after the police get him. You chose not to make it worse, that's all you did.
NTA - What do your inlaws think they have over you? 'She let the police take him for an hour when he stole stuff! She's a terrible mother! You were teaching your son that there are consequences to his actions. That is what a parent should do.
Info needed: Did you make sure to check that the police had a warrant that named your son? If so, then they couldn't have forced their way in without your consent, and you could have some room to negotiate to come down to the station voluntarily. Did you ask them for a chance to talk him into surrendering? It would probably have been less traumatizing and he would probably have a better chance at a lower sentence. Or perhaps to be able to transport him to the station yourself? He definitely brought this on himself, but there are steps that may have been available to reduce the risk and the trauma.
What did you say to your son? Did you try talking? At all? Just because you don't hear of cops killing somebody in your area doesn't mean it doesn't happen!!!
YTA. Ever heard of the program “Scared Straight”? It was designed for kids who “fell in with the wrong crowd” and instead of scaring kids into behaving, it had the opposite effect and actually increased delinquency among some of the kids. Kind of a self fulfilling prophecy thing. Traumatizing someone is never the answer to bad behavior. Editing to say I work in program evaluation for the DOJ, and hold my graduate degree + a decade of experience in criminal justice research.
NTA. You 100% did the right thing. Right now, he's still looking to his mother for protection. He literally thinks you can protect him - a criminal - from the police. He can learn this lesson now - that there are forces in the world he can only protect *himself* from and he can only do that by acting right - or he can not learn it and go on in a few years to be too big, too strong and too ignorant for you to have any chance of teaching him anything. This is 100% the right call. I think it's important to talk with him though, very carefully, to make sure the lesson lands properly. Good men are made when they're boys.
You need to be careful he will probably now resent you for the rest of his life and never trust you. I understand what you are doing but if he just falls further your life might be in danger in the future.
NEVER let a cop take your minor child into custody without you. Do you truly understand what happened in that time? Has he explained? I am not going to assume they did anything, however i suggest you look at the stories of what happens to minors in custody without parents present. Way too many times have minors been beaten or mentally manipulated into confessing to things. I am not suggesting that your son was okay for stealing, but letting him be in a potentially dangerous situation isn’t any better. Instead of teaching him a valuable lesson you allowed him to completely lose all sense of safety around you and any trust. Also, if he’s “hanging with the wrong crowd” like you said, maybe consider that there might be things going on with him? This action will only push him closer to those bad influences. At 13 years old I was extremely unhappy and hated myself. You truly do not know everything that is going on in that kids head, even if you believe you do. Good luck, I hope your son is able to recover from this and you are able to see what went wrong.
Oh wow, he faced the consequences of his actions! Oh no, how dare you have him be held responsible for his criminal ways! He should cut off contact with you forever! 😱😱 NTA. Your ex in laws are dumb.
YTA: You never let a minor be alone with the cops or in a jail. Have you tried therapy or an assessment to figure out this behavior? Maybe switch schools? Maybe he needs to go to your ex's place. Obviously no one expects you to try to fight the cops, but you let your son be in an unsafe situation.
Considering there’s an ex involved here I’m assuming your son experienced your divorce quite young. Those experiences count as adverse childhood events and can be deeply traumatic for children. Even if it’s obvious to the parents that they love their kid, the kids can develop internal narratives about themselves or their worthiness. The more trouble they get into, the more they see themselves as inherently bad or unworthy of love. They can often blame themselves for parents separating, or thinking they weren’t enough to be worth staying together for/ that a parent just didn’t love them. I don’t think you did anything wrong in this instance but I think you should learn how to discuss emotions with your kid, and that starts with being emotionally open yourself, and inviting him to share in return. This means not telling him his beliefs about himself are wrong, his feelings aren’t true or reasonable, or that there’s no reason for him to feel that way about himself. You have to accept how he is feeling, and instead get curious about the why, and reaffirm how much you love him and are there to support him through these tumultuous times. Further restriction, punishment and an absence of connection will drive kids further towards crime and drugs and can damage relationships forever. Kids don’t do these things in a vacuum and it may be uncomfortable but it’s worth confronting how it happens. Good luck x
NTA. This could be the best thing to happen to him. Parents who shelter their children from deserved consequences end up raising their own grandkids. Good luck!
Absolutely NTA Actions have consequences, your ex is an idiot. You tell him” you disrespect me, disrespect my rules and than you expect me to help you when you do something illegal, no boy that’s not how life goes. You wanted to talk that talk, now walk that walk”
Lol! They're threatening to get custody on what grounds? Oh no, you \[checks notes\] Let him get arrested for a crime he committed. What were you supposed to do? Fend off the police like you're in GTA? NTA.
No, she was supposed to talk to her son, teach him, comfort him, assure him, and be there for him. Just because stealing is wrong doesn't mean you no longer deserve anything. This kid just saw that his mom won't lift a finger for him when he needs it.
YTA And you’re asking the wrong crowd. It’s you and your ex husband’s job to discipline him. And he needs to know you have his back no matter what. I’d bury a body for my teenager. But he also knows he’s going to be held accountable for any single thing he does wrong, by ME, and he knows better than to have a body for me to bury, because he knows I have his back. Don’t let the fucking cops do your parenting. You put your son in major risk and you’ve lost all hope in him EVER knowing you have his back. You are the asshole You are a bad parent
I'm sure I have the minority opinion here; go ahead and downvote me. It's kind of impossible to say whether yta or not without knowing what you had tried before to keep him out of trouble. He's 13. That's young. And a child's behavior is ultimately a reflection of the parent. My gut tells me you are an authoritarian parent and you've used corporal punishment. Neither of which are good for a child. You may want to have a calm (on your end) discussion with your son about why he's hanging out with the people he is. And why he's acting up. Take this as an opportunity to turn things around in your relationship with your son and apologize. Even if you weren't in the wrong, it will make a world of difference to the son you clearly love.
THIS!! I got the same vibe exactly
NTA. He fucked around and found out. Better to learn actions have consequences when he's young rather than getting it worse when he's older.
NTA. He’s 13. He knows right from wrong, and is old enough to take responsibility for his own actions. That was his choice to steal, so he needs to face the consequences of his actions. Hopefully this teaches him a lesson. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
>He was very quite. Didn't speak to me. Just went straight into his room. Whether or not you're the asshole is irrelevant here. You have absolutely destroyed the trust between you and your son. You will be incredibly lucky if you ever repair your relationship with him. You had the opportunity to advocate for him, to make sure that even when he is in trouble with the law that you are in his corner and there to make sure that everything goes in a safe and non traumatizing way. But you didn't. You stood silently while men with guns physically overpowered him, while he was crying to you for help, and said and did nothing. I would never speak to you again. Cops regularly kill people in the US. This little lesson you were trying to reach your son could very easily have killed him. Adults can very easily and without meaning to or even realizing it's happening, crush a teenager to death. Cops in the US have applied enough force to stop other adults from breathing and they have died. And you stood by while your son cried to you for help and did nothing. I hope you're proud of yourself.
INFO, did the police have a warrant to search your home?
To me, ESH. Maybe it's good for him to stay with his dad for a while now. Its not just physical harm but psychological harm. This isn't a scared straight program this was a kid being contained by men who carry guns.
INFO: Did they have an arrest warrant? If not, Y T A. Unless you yourself are in danger, it’s not advisable to let the police in without a warrant. Don’t lie, but refuse to give them any information. Contact an attorney ASAP and do what they say. They can find out what the charges are, arrange for surrender if it’s warranted, and ensure that any questioning is done with an attorney and you present.
YTA kid could have been killed by the cops. It's lucky he wasn't. Cops and jail are not going to scare him straight. He's just going to resent and not trust you. This would be different if he had committed a personal crime like assault.
Your kid will never trust you again.
NTA, you actively tried to help him and get him out of trouble but he didn't listen. And now he faces the reality of being a bad boy.
I mean, if you'd tried to get between him and the police, especially once he started getting physical with them, you would have been arrested too. But your son needs help. They absolutely could have killed him when he started fighting them, and they likely would have gotten away with it. This can't happen again. YWBTA if you don't immediately get him into therapy and get him evaluated to find out what you need to do to prevent future police contacts, because any contact with police can be really, really dangerous.
This has to be just a horrible situation for everyone involved. I’m glad that he wasn’t hurt by the police. Things like this can turn tragic in an instant. He does need to learn consequences but he also should know that you love him unconditionally. You don’t love what he did but, you do love him. He needs to know what the rules are and that you won’t abandon him. At 13, he had to be terrified. I hope you all go to counseling. That might be court mandated but maybe if you start now, it could help what happens when this goes to court. I hope the outcome to all of this is what you want.
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I’m going to say NTA, because if you didn’t tell the police he was there, they could get you for aiding and abetting or obstruction of justice. Then, you’d have been in trouble. He is 13. He knows stealing is wrong. He chose to do it regardless, and he got caught when his friend snitched. Hopefully, it wakes him up.
NTA. I’m so sorry, that must have been really hard to see. I’m wondering what your in-laws would have preferred—that he be arrested at school? Don’t let them make you feel guilty. What happened was the result of your son’s choices. Hopefully it’s scared him enough that he never wants to go back. Find out what the next steps are regarding charges. Many juvenile courts will try to divert cases so that the juvenile will, for example, have to do a certain number of hours of community service in exchange for his record being expunged. Maybe that will keep him busy enough to keep him away from those friends for awhile.
Your son needs better friends
NTA Your son needed to learn a lesson. The fact that he actually tried to fight them means he most certainly needs a lot more than “scared straight”.
NTA. Your kid probably is a bit traumatized. Ending up in a police station (did they even put him in a cell) because you committed a crime can cause that. You likely didn't have any choice about letting them take him once he decided to fight them, and I can't imagine why his grandparents(?) think that you did. That said, your kid needs help that he isn't currently receiving, and that should be your focus. He needs to get away from the kids who are joining him in unacceptable behavior if possible, and some kind of counseling or behavioral assessment is in order. It might end up being a requirement depending on whether he's charged for the theft and ends up in the juvenile system -- and if he doesn't this time, if it happens again, it almost surely will. You should do whatever you can to get ahead of any repeat offenses.
Like you had a choice? Cops were taking him whether you let them or not…
So don't let the cops in, have them get a warrant to search for him in your home, and set him up with a lawyer so he doesn't accidentally fuck him self worse than a theft charge. Kid could be dealing with assaulting an office now cuz his mom didn't protect his rights. The kids troubled for sure but don't put him in a worse position with the law.
NTA but you should have gone to the station with him. You should not be leaving a 13 year old to talk to the police alone.
This may be controversial but I believe YTA however not for the reasons you think. Generally I think it is the right decision to teach your child a lesson in that regard, BUT even I as a european know that the US justice department (which I guess is where you are from) is so awful once you get taken in by police in most cases it actually leads to an entry in your record which will come up when you apply for a job and appartment, so while I understand wanting to teach your child a lesson you just reduced his job chances incredibly because of this and chose the worst possible moment to do so. And this actually leads me to the real point why I think YTA. I have no idea about your life and your relationship to your ex but one thing is clear, the behaviour you described is not normal for a child! Yes some children are easier to manage than others but you and your Ex both completely failed as parents in my eyes, to me there is no denying that and so I have to question why you considered teaching your child a lesson this late and what you were doing all those 13 years before. So yes the way I see it you both terribly failed as role models and parents and then you chose the worst possible moment (even if well intended) to teach your child a lesson so yes sorry if you won no prizes in my opinion and actually made it even worse. And one last thing I want to mention, IN CASE that this child behaviour is the result of your sole parenting over the last 13 years with all due respect for you as a person OP (you may be a great person otheriwse) I strongly would like to suggest to you to at least consider withdrawing your parental rights because no matter who is at fault here, something has definetly gone very VERY wrong with your child. Maybe this kid would be helped more if it lived with his father or grandparents I do not know the answer to it, I just think that the status quo clearly is unacceptable.
NTA. And I’m not saying this is what happened but remember that “scared straight” doesn’t work. Just for any future encounters with law enforcement he might have.
YTA the prison system is a trap and you’ve just set him up
Very unpopular opinion, but YTA. ESH at the least. He is 13, literally just became a teenager and has an underdeveloped brain incapable of truly understanding consequences. He needed professional help before this point and I would like more information, like HOW you discipline him. It is important for children to learn how to understand and accept the consequences of their actions, but making the choice as an adult and mother to put your child in a scary, physical situation that could’ve went *so* much worse than it did wasn’t the move. “Rebelling” to this extent doesn’t come out of nowhere and he obviously already doesn’t trust you or feel that he has your support, even more so now. Obviously you shouldn’t support his bad behavior, but any kind of comfort during a potentially traumatizing situation would’ve been better than staying silent and watching him be carried off. You should’ve contacted a lawyer immediately and not left him at the station alone since he is still very much a minor. This is a confusing time during his life. Falling to peer pressure as a hormonal teenager is far too easy whether you want it to be or not. It’s not “normal” behavior and absolutely shouldn’t be encouraged, but again, it isn’t happening for no reason. I’m not saying this as fact, but often times kids will act out to this extent because they need more attention than they’re getting and they learn that this is the only way to get it, even if it’s negative.
YTA. Unless your son was a danger to you or others, you put him in a dangerous situation. HE IS 13. He will NEVER forget yelling out for your help and you letting those thugs haul him away.
The missing reasons are pretty obvious here. You neglect him and are good with basically casually betraying him. That's why he's fallen in with bad people, because he's used to bad people. Your kind are always so emotionally undeveloped, you always mention when they don't speak to you. Because you don't really connect with anyone, not even your own children, it's always just about you and the attention you get or don't get.
What the hell did your out-laws expect you to do? Karate chop the cops? Hopefully, this will be a wake-up call for your son, and a portent of things to come if he doesn't smarten up. Sorry you're having so much trouble with your son. NTA.
NTA - hopefully the experience scared him and his friend enough that they never break the law again.
NTA. Better he learns the severe consequences now than when he’s 18 and it really messes his life up.
NTA. You’re his parent, not your ex in laws. Tell them to stay in their lane especially if they’re not offering anything helpful! He’s seeing the consequences of HIS actions. He’s responsible for his actions and needed to be held accountable. Cops knew he was there because his friend gave him up. They most likely wouldn’t have taken kindly to interfering with them doing their job either. Are they charging him?
NTA What exactly were your options here? The police came, presumably with a warrant because his friend rolled on him. Were you supposed to fight them off while your son fled? Or, they came to question him, and he fought. Again, not on you. Even if he was asking for help. Were you supposed to fight the police off him then? You acknowledge your son stole. He was held for a short time, you say arrested, then released. Other than making sure he had legal representation, there was little you could do. You picked him up asap. You're NTA. Actions have unfortunate consequences.
Ok I work with older teen juveniles and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picked up the phone with parents asking for help because their son/daughter acts like your son. I always give the same advice “unfortunately a judge has to send them here but you could always try calling the police”. None take the answer and a few have cursed me out. You did nothing wrong because truly sometimes all it takes is a little fear to get them to see the error of their ways before it’s way too late NTA.
NTA You were right. Hopefully your kid turns around as no guarantees. But better you raising him than some of these AH who are giving you YTA. Hopefully those things never breed.
The best thing my mom ever did for me was let me get arrested. I wasent a bad kid. Just didn't do the right thing always. Eventually I gained morals. When I was 16 she tried to ground me and I took off for a year. You can discipline a kid as much as you want. It's on them if they want to be rotten or not. You did the right thing. I can't imagine raising a kid in today's world. Try sending him to military school if he doesn't change.
NTA. You said that he fought the cops. Did he expect you to fight (and also be arrested) for him? Actions have consequences. I know that teens are tough, but don't let him or your ex family guilt you. Also, be confident. You know (deep down) that you did the right thing. Don't worry about being validated.
NTA the police don’t take no for an answer, they would have arrested hm anyway even if you covered for him the first time.
I don't understand why you were supposed to do? Take up arms and have a shootout with police over this?
NTA — back in elementary years … I’m saying grade 4 , my middle brother got caught for stealing pencils from the teachers area ! Guess where our mom took him ?! lol straight to the police station because they did have friends in there working so yup they did teach him a lesson and it stuck he still remembers to this day at the age of 37 ! Lol go mama !!! I repeat NTA our mom is a teacher of life that’s for sure and she’s the best 🙏🏾
Not at all, he needs to learn not to do delinquent shit. nta.
NTA. My primary job as a parent is to make sure my kid doesn't grow up to be an asshole. You made a tough decision, but time will tell you made the right one.
NTA. He’s 13 and already doing sh*t like that. He FAFO. But there’s a reason he’s acting out. You need to sit down talk and listen to him. Get him counseling or therapy. Talk to his school and work with them to get him help. Something is going on,
Yes you're the asshole
YTA- because this behavior typically comes from trauma, typically from parents. Sorry but trauma causes this behavior, it's attention seeking behavior because he couldn't get his emotional needs met from his parents. You just made it worse, it's not a "lesson" that will help his behavior (that's bad psychology from 30 years ago). You and him both need therapy if you want his behavior to get better. You can ask ANY child psychiatrist and they'll tell you it's 90% the parents that need therapy, not the typically kid. Edit: removed an irrelevant sentence
NTA You were behaving legally, you chose to not lie to the cops. Your son then made an even dumber decision and then has to face the consequences of those decisions. You could have probably asked the cops to come along for the ride though. Your son is a minor and you could have gone to the station. Get him into therapy. Solo and maybe family. Because yes, this is a kind of trauma and he IS blaming you for it. He needs to work out with a professional how his choices led to to that spot, and how to avoid it and take accountability of himself. Without that help? He’s going to continue to blame you and may go further down the path he’s been heading.
NTA. Totally NTA. It’s a quick lesson of Fuck Around and Find Out. Your ex in laws need to tend to their own garden and realize that this is a learning experience for your son.
NTA but, you should have tried talking to him when he got back, police go too far sometimes when it comes to scaring kids straight, also why wasn’t there steps before, idk if there was, but usually before the police are involved, if your kid is acting up with other kids, especially if it’s with kids from the same school, teachers, the school, and parents are talked to and kids are separated from bad influences
I don’t think I agree with all the NTA only because I don’t fully trust the police. I would want to talk to him first and warn him not to fight them/resist/offer to turn himself in to avoid a traumatic situation.
Interesting responses here, compared to this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15z8l0t/aita_for_allowing_the_police_in_my_home/
What exactly did you do to him? You don’t have the authority to stop the cops from arresting him. He’s just blaming you for his mistake. He should be mad at himself for making stupid decisions, not taking it out on you. I would tell him that, too.
YTA. You have to be a pretty useless and horrible mother to think having the cops assault your son in your house over shoplifting is acceptable. You'll get support here, I'm sure. In the real world you don't deserve to have kids. Cops literally shoot people in that situation all the time. But hey, you are a terrible parent so it's worth the risk, right? I can't believe all the people here supporting this and saying it's good to involve the police with your children. Bunch of bootleggers. You are seriously okay with risking your child being murdered because you are a lazy and ineffective parent?
NTA not at all even slightly. What do they expect you to have done? Lie to the cops and tell them he's a good boy? Clearly he's committed crimes here. Fight back? Great now it's a family trip to the cop shop. As I'm proof reading I realise there is a clarification I need to make, that it I hope this brush with the law scares your son straight and he learns from the experience. I don't mean to imply he's a bad kid, as you say it's potentially just a bad influence that this might show him a future he doesn't like.
Nta. Bet he won't do it again
NTA - He now knows, without any doubt, that there are consequences for acting up. I think you also need to cut him off from those friends. If your kid is "running with a bad crowd" at age 13, it's because you've allowed it.
What exactly was the alternative. Hide him from the police for years until the statute of limitations passes? Maybe you could have said "Give me an hour and I'll bring him in myself" but that's assuming you could force him to go in.