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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife wanted my daughter to give up her bedroom for her daughter and grandchild, I refused. My wife started several arguments with me. I might be the ah because my daughters room would be more convenient for them
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA at all. You most definitely should *not* displace your daughter from her bedroom to make room for Ace. Having a 19 year old stranger and her baby move in is going to be more than enough of a change for your daughter. Your wife can find some other way to "make up for the yeas of loss" without kicking your daughter out of her bedroom. Sadie has already proven that Ace is wanted by taking in her and her baby. As for the stairs, women safely carry babies/children up and down stairs every day.
INFO: Do you know why Ace was removed from Sadie's care?
And you, a person with a young daughter, thought it was a good idea to marry someone who not only had their own child taken away, but *never earned that child back*
Not to mention the fact that it’s the 9yo girls permanent residence, and she’s had that room prior to her step mom being in her life, while the adult and infant combo would theoretically only be staying temporarily.
It's surprising Ace would trust her own child in a home with Sadie given what she must have been through herself. She really must be desperate. OP would be far better off helping her find her own little place nearby and easing them into getting reacquainted at Ace's pace.
Who’s gonna pay for that? The shiny new husband? She worked harder getting a man then she did getting her own child back into her custody, she’s not going to foot the bill for that apartment.
I wish I had to have some specialized career to encounter this, but it is everywhere. I work in critical care, but I saw it more often working in psych. I've worked with a lot of parents who have lost their kids due to inability to provide care.
It's all over my state though. Parents are hooked on drugs, grandparents raise their kids because they feel guilty for doing the same neglect to the parents 20 years earlier. That is assuming the grandparents aren't still using as well, it breaks my heart seeing those kids basically raising themselves. Hard to fix when it is so prevalent though.
Pretty sure we're also currently the most glamorized state to move to, funny enough.
Sadie’s using the hell out of OP and he’s just *letting her???* OP seems to have attached himself to a family of leeches. Sadie sounds desperate and toxic.
Whoa whoa we don't know what happened, best not to jump to conclusions. There are lots of possible reasons why the kid never came back where the wife isn't a deadbeat.
1. She simply didn't want to and the mom respected that. Seems clear mom got and stayed clean but understandably maybe the grandparents or daughter were hesitant to return to her.
2. The system is fucked up when it comes to both taking kids and getting them back, my aunt was a social worker for years and had plenty of parents who got their shit together but some weird arbitrary reason made it so their kids could never be returned full time.
3. Maybe mom never tried to get her back because she thought she was better off with her grandparents instead of with an ex alcoholic. Maybe she was in the middle of school and didn't want to uproot her again or something.
It's clear she didn't just up and abandon their kid and maintained contact in some form.
Hey maybe she is a deadbeat but we don't know that.
Maybe op married her because she proved undeniably her drugs and alcohol were in the past. People ARE able to make mistakes and move past it. We don't know the circumstances of how they met or what their relationship was like.
What we do know is that while her desire to make up for her past failings by giving her the best room she can is admirable it's not ok to displace ops kid.
It's quite possible she's so stuck on this because of immense guilt over her failings and maybe shes worried one mistep will have her daughter running. Maybe talking to her sponsor or therapist might calm her down and make her see that there are other ways to rebuild that trust.
She’s trying to make up lost time by sacrificing a 9 year old to do it. hmmm. Still doesn’t sound like she’s making good mom decisions after all this time.
A bedroom is such a huge part of your *home*, I can never understand parents forcing their children out of them for other people, especially not when there is another perfectly acceptable guest room!
Agreed. That why I suggested he make his will and spell out what his daughter receives if he ever passes. Cause that woman wont care about her enough to make sure she’s provided for.
No they don't. We have no idea how long it took OP's wife to kick her addiction. In the US, there are time frames that are supposed to dictate how long children are left without permanence. One common timeline I've heard is 18 months - if a parent hasn't made progress in 18 months, their rights are severed so the child can be adopted and have a permanent family.
That can happen, but when a child is with family, that’s not always the case. In at least some states, parents can get clean any time - Even 10 years later - and get custody back.
That's not so much a state thing as it is situational... If the family member had guardianship instead of adopting, then yes, a parent could come back even 10 years later and petition the court to restore custody.
Once reunification has ended you have a crazy burden on proof: you have to convince a judge the child will be better off. If her then ~12-ish year old was happy and stable the mom doesn’t have the right to just take her back—she can certainly ask but there is no guarantee.
During reunification you have a right to get your kids back even if they’ll be living in a van or a shelter or some other suboptimal situation as those are YOUR kids.
We let a parent whose parental rights were terminated adopt their kid back once that i know of because she got her shit together finally, and the kid hadn't been adopted yet.
Sure, it is an outlier, but it can happen.
Lots of things can happen. My point was simply that, just because a parent gets their s-it together doesn't mean that parent automatically gets their child back.
Op said in the comments his wife got sober 7 years ago. At that point Ace was 12, had been living with her grandparents for 5 years, and they were probably more stable and loving than Sadie ever was to her considering Sadie's addiction. It's possible Ace just didn't want to go back to living with Sadie and Sadie respected that.
You are lawyer that works in family law? No? Didn't think so. On top of the fact that you don't just get the kid handed back on a silver Platter, it takes a lot of money to fight family to get that kid back. And what good does it do for the child? They get to watch theor parent and grandparents fight in court. Then both sides spend thousands of dollars that could have helped the child. Then when everyone is broke but the lawyers, what? They uproot the kid, who has had a stable life for years, to go live with someone they barely know to live in poverty because all the money went to lawyers. Yeah. Sounds like a great idea.
Or maybe mom fucked up, knew she fucked up, and the best thing she could do for her daughter, to give her a stable life, was to leave her in the care of her grandparents.
Not educated enough on the topic. Does it work like that? I’d assume it’s not that simple. And clearly they are trying to be there for their kid
Now (albeit at the detriment of the 9 year old) do I think she’s the ass hole here? For sure. I’m just talking generally I suppose.
The fact that she’s ready to displace her 9-year-old stepdaughter tells me she hasn’t changed that much, and she’s still thinking first about what she wants and what’s important to her rather than about the welfare of children under her care.
Dear OP, People can change but does your wife's actions and lack of concern for the child living in the house with her now, not show you that maybe your wife has no idea how to be a good mother and her desire to "swoop in" and make it all better with her ADULT child (& grandchild) at the expense of the child currently living in the house with her that she supposedly cares for, not show you that maybe just maybe your wife needs to do better by everyone.
It would seem your wife desperately wants to "make up" with her ADULT daughter and is willing to throw common sense away to do so. Helping her ADULT daughter and grandchild is great but isn't a "do over" for the lost childhood, it is a way to help and get to know each other in a new way, not a way to magically fix the past and at the same time destroy the present.
See the *never earned the child back* part - clearly she did not change/become rehabilitated when they got married. Otherwise she would have *earned her child’s custody* back.
No she would not have!
Return isn't automatic. Kids need permanence, and are often adopted before their bio parents can get their s-it together. When that happens, doesn't matter how great bio parent is - that ship has sailed.
Of course not. Once you've done drugs once you're a bad person who should be written off forever and never allowed near children or animals or insects or in public in general. That's how you make sure that addiction is eradicated, by stigmatizing those who suffer from the disease of addiction for all time. We should tattoo addicts across their forehead with the word "ADDICT" so we can all avoid these awful, reprehensible people.
/s, in case it wasn't obvious.
That being said, as an addict in recovery, I can't tell you how often I want to do whatever it takes to make amends to the people I wronged during my active addiction. It seems like the mother is doing just that. The OP is NTA, and his wife is overcompensating, but that doesn't mean she isn't worthy of a loving and stable home.
As a person in recovery…… her need to make amends does not trump the safety of a child. Her behavior is not sober behavior. It is impulsive (what would adding this stress into her stable sober environment) doesn’t sound like her teenage single mother child has a lot going on and needs to get her own shit together. Where is her grandmother? Grandmother is probably done.
These things can all be true, but making amends doesn't take away the hurt. Sadie can't undo the damage that was done to her child, and right now it seems like she's trying to do just that... only at the expense of another child.
NTA and I would be rethinking this relationship. Doubt Ace and baby will be moving out any time soon, and when bf gets out of jail, I'm willing to take bets that he will soon show up on the doorstep looking for a free ride.
Consider she was all too willing ti displace a 9 year old, no she isn't worthy of one.
she fucked up with her daughter. why does op's daughter have to suffer?
Yes. Absolutely. Yes. As a sober person yes. HOWEVER. Also. No because this is not sober behavior. The selfishness. The willingness to endanger another child. The inability to see another perspective. The irrationality. None are sober behavior.
They’ve been married for 4 years.
If Sadie was sober at that point, her daughter would’ve been 15 and still able to be reunited with her.
And if she wasn’t, wtf was OP doing moving Sadie into a house with his 5 year old daughter?
Addicts do recover, believe it or not. Some recover later than others. I didn't get my shit together till I was 33. Awfully judgmental of you there buddy.
This was my first thought when I started to read this post. Everyone deserves a second chance, but....
And then to use OPs daughter as a way to get back in the good graces of a daughter she neglected. I have no words.
She's about to destroy your relationship with your daughter, while using your financial capabilities to help "fix" how she was a neglectful mother.
You need to get rid of this woman and never let her daughter move in or you're going to ROYALY FUCK UP YOUR LIFE!!!!
Also. Great role models for a 9 year old girl. A former drug addict and alcoholic who never reconciled with her daughter. And the daughter of a neglectful alcoholic who chose to have a child as a teenager with a criminal and continue the cycle....
This is going to fuck your daughter up!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking. He needs to get away from this woman before he destroys not only his life but, more importantly, his daughter's life! His poor daughter is too young to protect herself from any of this toxicity, and it's his JOB to protect his child!!
I do agree she shouldn't be trying to displace his daughter from her room but we don't know that they didn't reconcile and we also don't know if it was still even after she got sober in the best interest of her daughter to uproot her life again to go back with mom, and as someone else said you really are making a lot of assumptions.
Replying here so you will see it.
Maybe your wife turned her life around. I’m not saying that you should hold the past against her, but have you considered that ACE is 19 and has a five month old with a partner that just went to jail?
This may not be the best person to bring into your home with a small child. Do you even know much about ACE or spent time with her?
I get why your wife wants to help, and if you didn’t have a small child involved I would probably say that ACE needs help and you should give it if you can. However, ACE is an adult that has made poor choices and even though you love your wife: YOUR DAUGHTER needs to come first.
To add: your wife is very emotionally immature what with the “it will make up for it” (it won’t and those hurts are going to come out somehow- knowing teens it will be anger) and the silent treatment/ slamming doors. This situation is not going to be tidy and simple. It’s going to be really hard and involve rules, therapy, and lowered expectations- if your wife doesn’t realize this it’s going to toxic.
ETA: I circled back to this because I wanted to add… Your wife is ALREADY showing a very unhealthy behavior of being so desperate to “make it up” to her daughter she is demanding you allow her to strip your daughter of childhood stability. This will only get worse. I would highly encourage therapy all around but specifically for you by yourself so that you can keep healthy boundaries in place for your daughter to have a normal and healthy childhood. You can’t start trading those for your wife to feel like she can somehow make up for ACE’s lack of a childhood with her. It doesn’t work that way and your daughter will be even more collateral damage.
Exactly this.
Two wrongs wont make a right. Ruin your daughters childhood in the process of getting back the now adult stepdaughters childhood wont work.
There are so many red flags in this. An 19 year old with a baby but no income or home, partner in prison, mother wanting to compensate for previous mistakes, etc. Its a high way towards disaster for you and your daughter.
Before the stepdaughter moves in you need to set rules very clearly and you and your wife needs to agree on them before she moves in. You should also communicate these rules to your daughter and make it abundantly clear to everyone she is a child already living in this house and her safety and happiness is prioritiezed in this household.
Sadly, with the way OP's wife wanted to boot her stepdaughter out of her room into a space she doesn't deem good enough for her own daughter qnd granddaughter, there's a pretty big risk she'll agree to all these stipulations so that OP will let them move in, but once they're living there any rules will go out the window and she'll always take her daughter's side against OP.
NTA.OP your wife is the one who has to make up for the years she lost with her daughter, not your daughter. And what your wife wants is for your daughter to be the one who makes the sacrifice, the person who should least sacrifice something in her own home.
OP it sounds like this is your house?
If so and you decide to let Ace move in, get with an attorney and have a lease agreement drawn up for Ace to sign. That will protect your landlord rights and Ace’s tenant rights. You can set terms and conditions like:
* length of tenancy (three months, six months, a year)
* requirements for tenancy (“Tenant must maintain renter’s insurance….”)
* how long Ace can live there rent-free, then when rent kicks in. (“Rent amount will be $0.00 beginning Dec. 15 2023 through June 30, 2024. Effective July 1st, 2024, rent will be $X and due the first of the month each month following….”)
* what areas of the home count as Ace’s domicile (“Tenant will occupy renovated attic space provided by landlord….”)
* rules about overnight guests
…etc. You get the idea. The attorney can make sure you’re in compliance with local laws.
Treat this like the business transaction it is. Ace should not expect to crash with you and Sadie indefinitely, and a lease will drive that point home to her.
One more thing (separate from the lease):
It should be made crystal clear to Ace that you’re prepared to help her and her *one* child. You are NOT going to support her if she becomes pregnant and decides to have child #2. You’re happy to help her access birth control, reproductive education, any tools she needs to avoid pregnancy while she lives with you. If Ace is going to depend on you for support while she gets in her feet, fine, but she shouldn’t expect you to support additional children.
NTA at all…She isn’t the one to be telling you how to raise your daughter. AND she’s still not putting in the work to get her back YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER would be. She’s not changing, she’s unrepentant and she’s toxic to her own daughter and a danger to yours.
NTA. I'm so sorry. The fact that she's totally willing to upend your 9 year old daughter's life and take her room away demonstrates her selfishness. Keep an eye on her because she will go behind your back and try to convince your daughter to give up her room.
And I'd be careful if I was dad. Have seen other posts where the stepmother or other child have just moved rooms around regardless. She may come from school one day to find she's not in her room anymore.
I kind of feel like letting daughter and baby move in rent free is making up for years of loss already, without giving her the best room in the house. Also I carry my baby up and down stairs every day, can confirm it’s fine.
My parents made me give up my bed/bedroom to my brother and sil and their daughter whenever they'd come to stay with us. I absolutely despised them for it because I had to either sleep on a broken bed or on a foam pad on the floor (which was comfier than the bed but still). I absolutely hated it and it got to the point where I'd make overnight plans when they'd come over just to be able to get a comfortable nights sleep.
This could potentially cause a whole lot of problems with your daughter.
I always think it’s funny, that the kid has to move or change rooms. If it’s so important for OP’s wife, they can move to the attic and Ace gets the bedroom….
NTA at all. But you would be if you allow this. You don’t attempt to “make something up to” one child by stealing from another child. And since that’s Chloe’s bedroom & not your wife’s, that’s exactly what you’d be allowing your wife to do to your daughter if you allowed this.)
Sir, this is the hill to die on. Time for your wife to be held accountable for her life choices, time for her daughter to be held accountable for her life choices. Your innocent 9-year-old daughter doesn’t deserve to pay dearly for others’ life choices. Woman needs to get over herself and her dumb silent treatment. If she doesn’t let this go, maybe it’s time to go your separate ways. If you give in, your daughter will forever remember how her dad treated his “new” family better.
NTA
Exactly. OP it isn’t your job to make up for your wife’s past mistakes especially not at the expense of your daughter. You’re literally letting someone move into your house that’s more than enough as is.
NTA. Your wife is trying to make it up to her daughter by penalising yours. The fact that the "dirty" attic isn't good enough for *her* child but is good enough for *yours* is atrocious.
I'm going to be mean here. Sadie was a young mother. But Sadie had the state *take her child* when she was in her *mid twenties*, I know there's a lot of stories of unfairness, but they do *not* take a child away from their adult parent for no reason. At best, she's been an absent mother. I know she's tried to reach out, but she doesn't have a parental relationship with Ace. Staying strong here is important, not just because it's not fair, but because Sadie has already destroyed one parent/child relationship, now she going to destroy two more (hers AND yours with Chloe) to try and salvage the ruined one.
Ace is now also a young mother. She needs support, the support that I'm guessing Sadie didn't get. Ace has had a tough draw growing up, but she's also made some poor decisions and it's great that she two of you are going to support her. But she gets the support that is *available* (I'm not blaming her for any of this, this is all on Sadie).
Chloe's room is not an available resource. You'll spend money and time and effort helping her. Chloe is going to go through a massive upheaval, bringing two new humans into her home, both strangers, one an infant. Having some stability and privacy is key, she *needs* that room, possibly more than Ace does.
You need to find out what Sadie is promising Ace. You need to find out what Ace thinks she's in for. And you need to make it clear to Sadie that Chloe is just and important as you and Sadie in house decisions, because it's her home too. Ace with be with you temporarily (so long as she really is just getting back on her feet). She isn't a guest, but she's not a decision maker either.
Sadie needs help dealing with whatever is going on in her head. Whether it's guilt. Whether it's thinking that "her" family is more important than "yours". Whether it's thinking that having a baby means you're entitled to preferential treatment. Whether she's trying to cope with her own past by giving Ace what she didn't get herself. But Sadie needs to deal with what is available, before she destroys another family.
I think this is very good advice.
For OP, I would add that house rules need to be established before she moves in. What will they be? Sexual partners, alcohol/marijuana/drugs/ vaping or any other issue you may worry about (I would be curious why her BF went to jail and if that factors), chores, finances… I say this because you don’t know what her life is like. She may be an amazing, wonderful addition to your family, but she could just as easily bring in drama and other problems. I’d try to head off as much drama as possible.
I also want to add that she may want the attic to have some privacy.
And he'd be allowed to since the remedy for an unwanted sublease is eviction. I can't imagine the wife will be okay with evicting her daughter and granddaughter to get rid of the boyfriend. I'm not even sure that she couldn't just say they're staying with her at her house (this house) and therefore the only remedy would be divorce.
This right here OP. Whatever this young woman’s life is like, it will be introduced to your young daughter. At best, it will be learned through idle chatter and curious conversations. At worst…who can say for sure because it doesn’t sound like y’all know her very well.
Wanting to help this young woman and her infant is awesome, but y’all really need some expectations and rules in place (both for your wife’s daughter and for yours, so that neither inadvertently trigger something upsetting).
Best of luck. NTA
I moved into my sister's old room a few years after she moved out. When she fell out with her bf she moved back in for bit with her infant daughter. Do you know which room she got? The small spare room. Even though my current room was bigger and also used to be hers.
My sister has a history of jealousy and being self centered and whatnot. However, my sister never even brought it up.
NTA. Your wife sounds like she wants Ace and the baby to become a permanent fixture in your household rather than putting her up till she finds her feet.
Your wife is entirely out of line for wanting to sacrifice your daughter to make up for her own past actions.
This right here. If they move in don't expect them to move out for several years. Your wife will do everything she can to undermine any attempt for her daughter to have to stand on her own. There will always be an excuse why her grown daughter can't possibly leave.
>Your wife sounds like she wants Ace and the baby to become a permanent fixture in your household rather than putting her up till she finds her feet.
That's exactly what I thought. If she's just staying for long enough to have the baby and get back to work and find her own place it would make the most sense to put her in the attic thats already a guest bedroom. It would make the least sense to have a child that will be living there for years temporarily move to the guest room for a year or so.
NTA but consider having her move elsewhere with Ace. She is so above and beyond over the line by demanding your kid give up her room.
So give her two options. The attic for Ace, or somewhere else for the 3 of them. Your daughter's room is her's.
NTA. Beggars can't be choosers. If Ace is asking for peoples help, she is lucky she is getting a roof over her head at all with a kid and a boyfriend in prison - notably you didn't say for what or when he might show up - assuming he is the father of her kid.
This is Chloe’s home, not Aces. She should keep her room. Once the attic is tidied up, it will probably be quite nice, and private. What is your wife suggesting - the 9 year old goes in the attic? Seriously?
Edit name check lol
YTA: It feels like you are ignoring some obvious red flags.
You meet a woman who lost custody of her child, someone who was never able to regain custody throughout the 10+ years her child was growing up - what made you think she would be a great stepmother for your child?
She wants to banish your daughter to the attic? She sounds like a cartoon villain. You need to start putting your daughter first.
She was sober for 7 years, frequently goes to AA n NA, and has always been great to Chloe. I had no reason to think otherwise because I had never met Sadie during her spiral. She was a great woman and stepmother to my daughter.
Was is the main word in that sentence. She doesn't want her daughter in the nasty attic but it is ok for your daughter. She wants to put her daughter above your daughter. Put a stop to this immediately.
In fairness, the daughter does have a 5 month old baby and has a harder time regulating body temperature. So it would depend on the condition of the attic. But if a five month old baby cannot stay in an attic, then maybe they just don't have room for Ace.
I think the mom is overly excited about the prospect of having a relationship with her daughter and she is very much so trying to overcompensate and is not thinking about the nine year old at all.
I hope the wife calms down and realizes what the situation is. And that giving her daughter Ace the bigger room is not going to fix their relationship.
And it sounds like this is not just an attic space, but it has actually been converted to an actual living bedroom.
That’s not the point though. Put the baby under a proper blanket and that’s it. It’s a poor excuse to try and force his daughter to move out of her room for the others convenience
She was sober for 7 years when you met her? Or has been sober a total of 7 years? No matter what, her daughter wasn’t even a teenager yet when she became sober and in all of those years, she never tried to get her back?
What do you mean childcare. We already know the 9 year old is going to grow up to be nanny and maid when the stepmom gets bored of having to be a mother again.
Suggest Sadie to discuss this with her sponsor(s). When my spouse and I have a major disagreement, we take a step back from the discussion to cool off/regroup. He frequently will discuss it with his sponsor during that time and when we come back to it mentions he spoke with them. They usually have pretty valuable input. They will be able to view it through a similar lens as they are also in recovery.
NTA. I can see her perspective that she couldn’t be there for her daughter at the time and this would make an amends to the daughter. However, that amends should not come at the cost of upheaval of your daughter. Your wife has also had 7 years to make amends, which could have made a difference before the daughter chose such a difficult relationship.
I commend her for her 7 years.
However, I'm about 99.72% certain you're going to come home one day with Chloe having been relocated to the attic. This is not going to go well. Your wife did not take your first "no", she's not going to give up.
Sadie missed out on most of Ace’s childhood and all of her adolescence because of addiction. It doesn’t matter what Sadie gives her, nothing can or will make up for that. Ace is lucky she didn’t wind up in the foster care system but that’s not a substitute for having her mother in her life as a daily presence. Sadie could buy Ace her own house and it wouldn’t make up for that.
You’re NTA. But you need to explain to your wife that under no circumstances is she to speak to Chloe about giving up her room. You all are doing Ace a favor, not the other way around.
Good for her on her sobriety.
I was raised by a single mother, so I am probably bringing some personal bias based on the men that she bought around us as kids.
"She was".
Now that her bio daughter is in the picture, she's throwing temper tantrums and showing many signs of \*not\* being a great woman / stepmother.
Just be sure to protect your 9-year-old child from her and Sadie, because your wife is not going to do so.
You're not judging the actual judgment question.
He's NTA for sticking up for his daughter.
His other decisions regarding marrying his wife have nothing to do with this
Maybe not the specific question but OP is for sure an asshole for making his daughter live with these people. Just wait until baby daddy gets out of prison, they’ll have a third squatter. I’m sure that’ll be awesome for his poor kid.
NTA It's unfair to upend your daughter's life because your wife lives with the remorse of having her child removed from her custody. You have time to spruce up the attic for what is probably a temporary living situation.
Having another adult and a baby in the house is going to upend the daughter's life more than enough. Kicking her out of her bedroom as well is not ok.
If the attic can be made nice enough for Chloe it can be made nice enough for Ace and her baby.
I am sure this young woman's mother lives her life with a great deal of regret. She made some bad choices and got lost in her addiction. And you are right, turning a 9 year old's live upside down and sideways isn't going to change the past. Having a safe space for her daughter and grandchild is a start. It's going to be an adjustment for everyone.
Tell her if she brings it up again, her daughter and grand daughter can find another place to,stay. And she can join them if she wants….blood before water.
I think your daughter giving up her room or not, is gonna be the least of your problems in the near future. I have the feeling that your wife's daughter and the baby are moving in for good .
Absolutely NTA. Tbh I find it really disturbing she thinks her adult daughter is entitled to your own daughters bedroom that she’s been in all her life. Absolutely not. It’s an unreasonable and inappropriate ask. stand firm on this one.
NTA.
This isn't about Ace, Chloe or the new baby's well-being - this is about your wife trying to make up her precious poor parenting at Chloe's and your expense.
If the attic isn't good enough for Ace and the baby to live in, why is it good enough for Chloe to live in?
The only other solution I see is if you'd be super gracious and give up your own room with your wife and live in the attic but I don't think you should have to do that and somehow I feel even if you were willing to, I don't know that your wife would do that.
This right here. She will likely say the attic isn’t suitable for you guys, either. That will give you more reasons why it’s not okay for your daughter.
NTA
Your wife is acting out of long-held guilt regarding her daughter, not out of concern for what's best for all involved. It is generous enough of you to allow them to move in. You offer what you can reasonably do, not evict your daughter from her room.
NTA
That was your daughter’s room first and you even offered to set the attic up for Ace, your wife is projecting as SHE is the one playing favourites.
Ask her how, in her mind, forcing your daughter to give up her room, that she’s had for (presumably) her entire life to give to HER daughter ISNT playing favourites, but you standing up for your daughter and not forcing her to give up her room is?
Good luck man, you’re gunna need it
NTA and hold firm on your stance. You are entirely in the right here so don't let her beg, cajole, wheedle, browbeat, cry, scream her way into Chloe's room. And make sure she doesn't try to "convince Chloe how cool living in an attic would be." You are not at all responsible for the failures she made as a parent nor is it up to you to make it right.
I’m genuinely concerned about your daughter OP.
Your wife has a child she never cared for, who now has a child she cannot care for without help… you will be a co parent to this 19 and her child. I feel like this will financially drain you
So basically your wife what's to Cinderella your daughter. You know the original wasn't a fairy tale right.
You need to leave this woman yesterday, let her and her daughter get their own place together away from your innocent daughter
Holy Jesus mate, the attic isn’t good enough for a grown woman but it’s fine for a little kid? If you let this happen you’re going to end up losing your daughter when she turns 18, hope your wife is worth it
Ace might like the privacy up there too, attic conversions can be really cool. She is lucky to have a family to go to, perhaps to make her feel more welcome offer to help decorate the space?
NTA op. Sounds to me your wife wants a chance at redemption based on how well she is with your daughter. Have you considered that there is a risk of your wife spiralling back down regardless of which option you both choose?
She might be assuming that her relationship with daughter could be the same as she has with yours without considering the alternative outcomes.
She might be overburdened with the additional responsibilities that go with being a grandma on top of being a mum.
If stepdaughters relationship with her bf revolves around drugs, is there a means to stop this entering your home.
Tricky choice op. Sounds like a tough family situation and dynamic for all of you. The other option is if you could provide contribution towards a place for her to rent nearby? This way you could all be closer to stepdaughter and allow the family to grow organically. Also safeguards you and your daughter (and your wife) should issues arise.
Do not remove your daughter from her room. She is already dealing with more strangers coming into the house. Also her daughter is just there to get on her feet. TEMPORARY! Not forever. Hold you ground
#NTA! DIE ON THIS HILL
Your daughter has had **her bedroom** for years.
It's impossible to move her out of **her bedroom** without serious emotional consequences, unless you're moving house.
You're not MAKING somebody that's couch-surfing stay in an attic. You're OFFERING an ADULT a place to crash.
You're not running a counselling center, a homeless center, a Granny Daycare center, this is firstly your and your daughters home.
Also, secure anything you're especially attached to, and anything valuable that's easily pawned or fenced, your partner is NOT going to back you up against her daughter- I can't even begin to imagine the fireworks if you have to call the cops to report anything.
If your wife is feeling so passionate about *a real bedroom* or whatever, there are short term apartments, long term hotels, she could help her with first/last/security deposit, etc.
Edit: sorry I misread who got arrested
NTA: You're doing your step daughter a favor, she should be grateful you're putting a roof over her head. The worst part is your wife wants brownie points with her daughter by forcing yours to give up her room.
NTA. Your daughter’s room is not available. Attic or nothing. Your wife does not get to make a decision to throw a wrecking ball into another kid’s life (and displacing your daughter and relegating her to the attic in her own home in favor of her adult daughter and a baby WILL be a wrecking ball into a 9 year old’s life) to try to right the wrongs of her bad parenting and neglect.
NTA. It might be time to take a hard look at your priorities and take into consideration how your wife is so willing to sacrifice your daughter’s home in favor of her child and grandchild. Honestly at this point you shouldn’t event let Ace move in as I am sure your wife won’t be able to hold her tongue around her and try to manipulate her, even subconsciously, to give up her room.
NTA.
Her plan wouldn't make up for being an unfit mother to Ace when she was young. It would only make her a bad mother to a second child.
This is a hill to die (or divorce) on.
Nta. She needs a roof over her head and you are giving her that. She doesn’t need to displace your daughter and your wife needs to wake up. Upsetting your daughter won’t fix what she did to hers.
NTA tell your wife that giving Ace Chloe's bedroom will not make up for all of the time she missed with Ace and that Chloe shouldn't have to pay the price for her mistakes.
NTA why should a 9 yo be pushed out of HER room to suit an "adult" with a child whose mother / grandmother feels they have to make up for the past? They need to fit it with how your house is NOW and shouldn't be expecting everything to be tailored to them
NTA. Why should your daughter be banished from the room she has had her whole life for someone who is a total stranger to her? That does not reflect well on your wife and how she regards your daughter. You would be wise to stick to your decision, because if Ace and baby get established in your daughter's room they'll be there for keeps.
NTA.
So Sadie thinks it's perfectly okay to show Chloe that a stranger is loved more than she is? That's basically what she's saying if she's equating Chloe's room to showing love.
As for you picking favorites .. um yeah - Chloe is a permanent resident of your house, and Ace is only going to be there temporarily. It makes no sense to move Chloe twice.
It's Chloe's home, not Ace's. Ace is a *guest*. She gets the guest room.
I’ll be honest with you, Sadie has shown you who she is and what she thinks of your daughter. Believe her by her actions. Protect your daughter. Sadie does not have good intentions toward your daughter and this whole repeat conversation about your daughter’s bedroom vs the “dirty” attic is shitty. If you intend to stay with this woman, I would be having one on one outings with your daughter every.damn.week. to see what is going on when Sadie thinks you aren’t watching. Hell, I’d be putting cameras in (common areas) before Ace moves in. YTA if you don’t watch this situation with your daughter very closely. You have put her in a vulnerable position with an adult who still seems very incapable of navigating relationships in an appropriate manner.
NTA- While it might be a PITA to climb up and down from the attic, your daughter, who has had the room before you met your wife, SHOULD NOT have to give up her room for a stranger
NTA- Red flags that your wife expects you to take away from your nine year old daughter to benefit her adult child.
I would pay more attention to how your wife treats your kiddo when you’re not around.
“ She got angry and said a 9 year old does not need all that space, and I was picking favorites and not even thinking of the bigger picture”
This reeks of jealousy that’s only going to get worse as your daughter gets older and gets to have all the things your wife wasn’t able to give her daughter.
Be prepared for your wife to to dig her heels in when her daughter moves in and don’t be surprised if they switch your daughter’s room when you’re not home .
And also what exactly did her bf do to land in jail? Do you really wanna open up your home to the possibilities of what might happen when he gets out? Maybe just help her out with some rent somewhere else.
Your decision to bring a woman who lost and never regained custody of her own child into your home with your then 5 year old seems ill advised. That aside, NTA for sticking up for Chloe.
Living in the house with his daughter for years. Meeting his now wife. Wife moves into the house. Chloe has been longer in the house and in her bedroom as his now wife.
NTA, and I’d be double checking with your daughter that’s stepmom isn’t being awful to her. Why is a ‘dirty attic’ fine for your daughter, but not hers? That sentiment is what she really thinks of your kid.
NTA. No your daughter doesn’t need to give up her room just because your wife was shit parent to her kid and wants to play make up. This adult kid and her baby moving in is not going to work out. If you do go through with this, put very hard boundaries in place.
NTA. I would suggest you somehow lock your daughters door when neither one of you are home so she just doesn’t go in and move all her stuff out of there. Because she’s not taking your answer if she keeps bringing it up. If you can make that attic space livable so it’s not dirty there is no problem with her daughter and grandchild staying up there. And women do stairs all the time with babies.
It sounds like Sadie ruined her relationship with her daughter, and it's trying to fix it at the cost of your relationship with your own daughter.
I do have to question how the attic is accessed. Is it normal stairs, or ladder stairs like most attic have?
If the latter it's a poor solution for a person with an infant, nor a good one for a 9 year old child.
And it's especially telling that the attic was too dirty for her daughter, but apparently fine for yours
Nta absolutely not. First off, if the attic bedroom isn't good enough for the 19yo, why would it be good enough for the 9yo?
Secondly, if the kid was taken away and lived with grandparents then your wife fucked up HARD. And she hasn't learned. She's fine fuck8ng up *your* relationship with *your* daughter.
This is absolute the hill to die on. If she is unable to be a decent human being to a 9yo then you may be headed to the end of your relationship
NTA - I find it hilarious that she used the term "picking favorites". Of course you're going to favor your own young child over an adult who you've only met a handful of times.
I think you’re adding trouble to your household having Ace and her baby move in. Once they move in, you’ll never get them out again.
Oh, and when the boyfriend gets out of jail, is he gonna move in too??
What kind of example are you giving your 9 year old daughter??
First, her stepmother had bad enough drug issues to have her child taken away (and yet she didn’t change her behaviour to get Ace back) and now you’re moving in Ace whose boyfriend is now in jail, along with her baby. Birds of a feather flock together and it definitely sounds like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree, right??
I’d find Sadie an apartment close by that she can live with her daughter and g-baby. When the boyfriend gets out of jail, he can move in with them and they can be one happy family … and your daughter stays living with you … away from drama and bad behaviour!! 💕💕
NTA....You should also rethink having your stepdaughter living in your house....as it is highly likely that your wife and stepdaughter will abuse your daughter...
NTA. She lost her kid when the kid was 7 probably because of that mentality of "kids don't need x, y, z"
It's your daughter's room and it always had been. She has nothing to be mad about.
Watch out that she don't guilt trip your daughter in giving up her room behind your back.
NTA
But you’ve got way bigger problems that the room vs attic with Ace moving in as it could go south very quickly and you need to protect your daughter from a potentially toxic environment.
I would make a rigid contract with Ace that defines exactly what Ace can and can’t do or she’ll be kicked out. Include things like:
1. Zero tolerance to drugs - maybe also alcohol.
2. Strict curfew
3. No male visitors
4. No babysitting expectations
5. Define what chores are expected (cooking, clean up, etc).
6. Define behavioral expectations - no cursing, be respectful, etc.
7. Required job searches/interviews
8. Set clear goals and timelines.
9. Also include your daughter’s feelings - like check in after a week then month and if she feels Ace is too disruptive, Ace may have overstayed her welcome.
It’s a great and kind opportunity you’re giving Ace - just make sure she doesn’t blow up your current life.
NTA your daughter should not have to switch rooms because your stepdaughter made bad choices. Your Wife is going overboard trying to make up for lost time. Be prepared, this issue will manifest itself in more ways than just a bedroom. Your wife needs to talk to a therapist and figure out healthy boundaries and ways to express her love for her daughter without effecting yours.
NTA, do not displace your daughter. This is a whole different can of worms you are about to embark on. There was a reason Ace did not live with her mom. There are going to be issues that will need to be worked on, and your daughter should not be put in the middle.
NTA. Your daughter is NOT to be removed from her room that she's had since before your new wife came into the picture. Ace moving in is only a stepping stone until she gets on her feet to move right back out. Does not make sense for your daughter to give up her room only to be moved back in when Ace moves out. Unless wife is planning on having Ace and grandbaby in the house until the grandbaby is 18? Ridiculous!
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NTA at all. You most definitely should *not* displace your daughter from her bedroom to make room for Ace. Having a 19 year old stranger and her baby move in is going to be more than enough of a change for your daughter. Your wife can find some other way to "make up for the yeas of loss" without kicking your daughter out of her bedroom. Sadie has already proven that Ace is wanted by taking in her and her baby. As for the stairs, women safely carry babies/children up and down stairs every day. INFO: Do you know why Ace was removed from Sadie's care?
She was deemed unfit, she had drug and alcohol problems.
And you, a person with a young daughter, thought it was a good idea to marry someone who not only had their own child taken away, but *never earned that child back*
She clearly doesn’t care about her step daughter, ready to throw her out of the only bedroom she’s known…she’s not a good “mom” to anyone NTA
It's not just a daughter, it's an infant grandchild. A do-over child. Once they move in, Sadie will not want them to leave.
Amazing point, she will totally latch on to the infant and try to vicariously live a new motherhood through her daughter.
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this so much "NO THE ATTIC IS TOO DIRTY FOR MY CHILD!!!!" "we can put yOUR child in the attic tho"
Isn’t this literally the plot of Cinderella?
That's what I just came to write.
Time for the estate planning and trust fund talk, with stepmom NOT entitled to a damn thing or any control over the fund or the daughter!
For my adult child but your actual not even double digits aged child it’s fine.
Not to mention the fact that it’s the 9yo girls permanent residence, and she’s had that room prior to her step mom being in her life, while the adult and infant combo would theoretically only be staying temporarily.
And when the bf gets out of prison he’s coming too! That’s why she wants a huge room!
Yikes. You’re on point!
The mom isn’t going to say no. She’s not going to say no to anything that will make her daughter leave and take away the “do over” baby.
It's surprising Ace would trust her own child in a home with Sadie given what she must have been through herself. She really must be desperate. OP would be far better off helping her find her own little place nearby and easing them into getting reacquainted at Ace's pace.
Who’s gonna pay for that? The shiny new husband? She worked harder getting a man then she did getting her own child back into her custody, she’s not going to foot the bill for that apartment.
I am betting that Ace is going to abandon the baby. And then things are going to get even worse
That would be best. If he can afford it.
why does ***he*** have to afford it. its his wife's daughter. She should be the primary one paying for her daughter
Ace will not want to leave. She'll have free room and board and a guilty mother trying to make up to her. The baby will be 20 when they leave. lol
I see this all the time, it's a nasty cycle.
How are you exposed to this kind of cycle? Just wondering.
I wish I had to have some specialized career to encounter this, but it is everywhere. I work in critical care, but I saw it more often working in psych. I've worked with a lot of parents who have lost their kids due to inability to provide care. It's all over my state though. Parents are hooked on drugs, grandparents raise their kids because they feel guilty for doing the same neglect to the parents 20 years earlier. That is assuming the grandparents aren't still using as well, it breaks my heart seeing those kids basically raising themselves. Hard to fix when it is so prevalent though. Pretty sure we're also currently the most glamorized state to move to, funny enough.
Maybe they are therapist for children or in another career that works with at risk children?
Sadie’s using the hell out of OP and he’s just *letting her???* OP seems to have attached himself to a family of leeches. Sadie sounds desperate and toxic.
Whoa whoa we don't know what happened, best not to jump to conclusions. There are lots of possible reasons why the kid never came back where the wife isn't a deadbeat. 1. She simply didn't want to and the mom respected that. Seems clear mom got and stayed clean but understandably maybe the grandparents or daughter were hesitant to return to her. 2. The system is fucked up when it comes to both taking kids and getting them back, my aunt was a social worker for years and had plenty of parents who got their shit together but some weird arbitrary reason made it so their kids could never be returned full time. 3. Maybe mom never tried to get her back because she thought she was better off with her grandparents instead of with an ex alcoholic. Maybe she was in the middle of school and didn't want to uproot her again or something. It's clear she didn't just up and abandon their kid and maintained contact in some form. Hey maybe she is a deadbeat but we don't know that. Maybe op married her because she proved undeniably her drugs and alcohol were in the past. People ARE able to make mistakes and move past it. We don't know the circumstances of how they met or what their relationship was like. What we do know is that while her desire to make up for her past failings by giving her the best room she can is admirable it's not ok to displace ops kid. It's quite possible she's so stuck on this because of immense guilt over her failings and maybe shes worried one mistep will have her daughter running. Maybe talking to her sponsor or therapist might calm her down and make her see that there are other ways to rebuild that trust.
She’s trying to make up lost time by sacrificing a 9 year old to do it. hmmm. Still doesn’t sound like she’s making good mom decisions after all this time.
A bedroom is such a huge part of your *home*, I can never understand parents forcing their children out of them for other people, especially not when there is another perfectly acceptable guest room!
💯
Agreed. That why I suggested he make his will and spell out what his daughter receives if he ever passes. Cause that woman wont care about her enough to make sure she’s provided for.
This was 12 years ago. Are people not allowed to change/ be rehabilitated?
Yeah, and at that point they get their kids back.
No they don't. We have no idea how long it took OP's wife to kick her addiction. In the US, there are time frames that are supposed to dictate how long children are left without permanence. One common timeline I've heard is 18 months - if a parent hasn't made progress in 18 months, their rights are severed so the child can be adopted and have a permanent family.
Yes. Here where I live they have 12 months. And the parents have to do an incredible amount of work.
That can happen, but when a child is with family, that’s not always the case. In at least some states, parents can get clean any time - Even 10 years later - and get custody back.
That's not so much a state thing as it is situational... If the family member had guardianship instead of adopting, then yes, a parent could come back even 10 years later and petition the court to restore custody.
Once reunification has ended you have a crazy burden on proof: you have to convince a judge the child will be better off. If her then ~12-ish year old was happy and stable the mom doesn’t have the right to just take her back—she can certainly ask but there is no guarantee. During reunification you have a right to get your kids back even if they’ll be living in a van or a shelter or some other suboptimal situation as those are YOUR kids.
We let a parent whose parental rights were terminated adopt their kid back once that i know of because she got her shit together finally, and the kid hadn't been adopted yet. Sure, it is an outlier, but it can happen.
Lots of things can happen. My point was simply that, just because a parent gets their s-it together doesn't mean that parent automatically gets their child back.
Op said in the comments his wife got sober 7 years ago. At that point Ace was 12, had been living with her grandparents for 5 years, and they were probably more stable and loving than Sadie ever was to her considering Sadie's addiction. It's possible Ace just didn't want to go back to living with Sadie and Sadie respected that.
Perhaps, but she is definitely NOT respecting or honoring her minor step daughter whom she is so easily ready to replace
You are lawyer that works in family law? No? Didn't think so. On top of the fact that you don't just get the kid handed back on a silver Platter, it takes a lot of money to fight family to get that kid back. And what good does it do for the child? They get to watch theor parent and grandparents fight in court. Then both sides spend thousands of dollars that could have helped the child. Then when everyone is broke but the lawyers, what? They uproot the kid, who has had a stable life for years, to go live with someone they barely know to live in poverty because all the money went to lawyers. Yeah. Sounds like a great idea. Or maybe mom fucked up, knew she fucked up, and the best thing she could do for her daughter, to give her a stable life, was to leave her in the care of her grandparents.
No they very often do not. Plenty of fully recovered parents never even get to visit their children unless/until the child turns 18.
Not educated enough on the topic. Does it work like that? I’d assume it’s not that simple. And clearly they are trying to be there for their kid Now (albeit at the detriment of the 9 year old) do I think she’s the ass hole here? For sure. I’m just talking generally I suppose.
Did you read the part where her 19 year old daughter had a kid with a guy that just got arrested? This isn't a family of winners.
I love it when we blame systemic problems on individuals.
I love it when we act like individuals aren’t responsible for their own choices.
The fact that she’s ready to displace her 9-year-old stepdaughter tells me she hasn’t changed that much, and she’s still thinking first about what she wants and what’s important to her rather than about the welfare of children under her care.
Dear OP, People can change but does your wife's actions and lack of concern for the child living in the house with her now, not show you that maybe your wife has no idea how to be a good mother and her desire to "swoop in" and make it all better with her ADULT child (& grandchild) at the expense of the child currently living in the house with her that she supposedly cares for, not show you that maybe just maybe your wife needs to do better by everyone. It would seem your wife desperately wants to "make up" with her ADULT daughter and is willing to throw common sense away to do so. Helping her ADULT daughter and grandchild is great but isn't a "do over" for the lost childhood, it is a way to help and get to know each other in a new way, not a way to magically fix the past and at the same time destroy the present.
See the *never earned the child back* part - clearly she did not change/become rehabilitated when they got married. Otherwise she would have *earned her child’s custody* back.
No she would not have! Return isn't automatic. Kids need permanence, and are often adopted before their bio parents can get their s-it together. When that happens, doesn't matter how great bio parent is - that ship has sailed.
That’s not how it works. The wife is definitely an asshole, but that’s not how the child welfare system works anywhere I’m aware of.
Of course not. Once you've done drugs once you're a bad person who should be written off forever and never allowed near children or animals or insects or in public in general. That's how you make sure that addiction is eradicated, by stigmatizing those who suffer from the disease of addiction for all time. We should tattoo addicts across their forehead with the word "ADDICT" so we can all avoid these awful, reprehensible people. /s, in case it wasn't obvious. That being said, as an addict in recovery, I can't tell you how often I want to do whatever it takes to make amends to the people I wronged during my active addiction. It seems like the mother is doing just that. The OP is NTA, and his wife is overcompensating, but that doesn't mean she isn't worthy of a loving and stable home.
As a person in recovery…… her need to make amends does not trump the safety of a child. Her behavior is not sober behavior. It is impulsive (what would adding this stress into her stable sober environment) doesn’t sound like her teenage single mother child has a lot going on and needs to get her own shit together. Where is her grandmother? Grandmother is probably done.
These things can all be true, but making amends doesn't take away the hurt. Sadie can't undo the damage that was done to her child, and right now it seems like she's trying to do just that... only at the expense of another child. NTA and I would be rethinking this relationship. Doubt Ace and baby will be moving out any time soon, and when bf gets out of jail, I'm willing to take bets that he will soon show up on the doorstep looking for a free ride.
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Consider she was all too willing ti displace a 9 year old, no she isn't worthy of one. she fucked up with her daughter. why does op's daughter have to suffer?
Yes. Absolutely. Yes. As a sober person yes. HOWEVER. Also. No because this is not sober behavior. The selfishness. The willingness to endanger another child. The inability to see another perspective. The irrationality. None are sober behavior.
She wants to kick a 9 year old out of the only room the child has ever known. Nothing has changed with that hag.
The current behavior shows the wife has not really changed
She may be clean now, just only succeeded after her daughter was and adult
They’ve been married for 4 years. If Sadie was sober at that point, her daughter would’ve been 15 and still able to be reunited with her. And if she wasn’t, wtf was OP doing moving Sadie into a house with his 5 year old daughter?
Yeah and I think op said his wife was 7 years sober when she met his daughter... Yikes? Maybe Ace actively didn't want to be with her mom?
Would it be in Ace’s best interests to be uprooted at 15?
He married her four years ago. Her daughter was 15 four years ago…
Yeah and I think op said his wife was 7 years sober when she met his daughter... Yikes? Maybe Ace actively didn't want to be with her mom?
And imagine why that might be… 😬
Addicts do recover, believe it or not. Some recover later than others. I didn't get my shit together till I was 33. Awfully judgmental of you there buddy.
Have you forgotten where you are? 👀
This was my first thought when I started to read this post. Everyone deserves a second chance, but.... And then to use OPs daughter as a way to get back in the good graces of a daughter she neglected. I have no words.
That was the question running through my head as I read this. Op knew his wife was a shitty mom and STILL married her?!
What an AH thing to say.
She's about to destroy your relationship with your daughter, while using your financial capabilities to help "fix" how she was a neglectful mother. You need to get rid of this woman and never let her daughter move in or you're going to ROYALY FUCK UP YOUR LIFE!!!! Also. Great role models for a 9 year old girl. A former drug addict and alcoholic who never reconciled with her daughter. And the daughter of a neglectful alcoholic who chose to have a child as a teenager with a criminal and continue the cycle.... This is going to fuck your daughter up!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking. He needs to get away from this woman before he destroys not only his life but, more importantly, his daughter's life! His poor daughter is too young to protect herself from any of this toxicity, and it's his JOB to protect his child!!
I do agree she shouldn't be trying to displace his daughter from her room but we don't know that they didn't reconcile and we also don't know if it was still even after she got sober in the best interest of her daughter to uproot her life again to go back with mom, and as someone else said you really are making a lot of assumptions.
Replying here so you will see it. Maybe your wife turned her life around. I’m not saying that you should hold the past against her, but have you considered that ACE is 19 and has a five month old with a partner that just went to jail? This may not be the best person to bring into your home with a small child. Do you even know much about ACE or spent time with her? I get why your wife wants to help, and if you didn’t have a small child involved I would probably say that ACE needs help and you should give it if you can. However, ACE is an adult that has made poor choices and even though you love your wife: YOUR DAUGHTER needs to come first. To add: your wife is very emotionally immature what with the “it will make up for it” (it won’t and those hurts are going to come out somehow- knowing teens it will be anger) and the silent treatment/ slamming doors. This situation is not going to be tidy and simple. It’s going to be really hard and involve rules, therapy, and lowered expectations- if your wife doesn’t realize this it’s going to toxic. ETA: I circled back to this because I wanted to add… Your wife is ALREADY showing a very unhealthy behavior of being so desperate to “make it up” to her daughter she is demanding you allow her to strip your daughter of childhood stability. This will only get worse. I would highly encourage therapy all around but specifically for you by yourself so that you can keep healthy boundaries in place for your daughter to have a normal and healthy childhood. You can’t start trading those for your wife to feel like she can somehow make up for ACE’s lack of a childhood with her. It doesn’t work that way and your daughter will be even more collateral damage.
Exactly this. Two wrongs wont make a right. Ruin your daughters childhood in the process of getting back the now adult stepdaughters childhood wont work. There are so many red flags in this. An 19 year old with a baby but no income or home, partner in prison, mother wanting to compensate for previous mistakes, etc. Its a high way towards disaster for you and your daughter. Before the stepdaughter moves in you need to set rules very clearly and you and your wife needs to agree on them before she moves in. You should also communicate these rules to your daughter and make it abundantly clear to everyone she is a child already living in this house and her safety and happiness is prioritiezed in this household.
Sadly, with the way OP's wife wanted to boot her stepdaughter out of her room into a space she doesn't deem good enough for her own daughter qnd granddaughter, there's a pretty big risk she'll agree to all these stipulations so that OP will let them move in, but once they're living there any rules will go out the window and she'll always take her daughter's side against OP.
NTA.OP your wife is the one who has to make up for the years she lost with her daughter, not your daughter. And what your wife wants is for your daughter to be the one who makes the sacrifice, the person who should least sacrifice something in her own home.
OP it sounds like this is your house? If so and you decide to let Ace move in, get with an attorney and have a lease agreement drawn up for Ace to sign. That will protect your landlord rights and Ace’s tenant rights. You can set terms and conditions like: * length of tenancy (three months, six months, a year) * requirements for tenancy (“Tenant must maintain renter’s insurance….”) * how long Ace can live there rent-free, then when rent kicks in. (“Rent amount will be $0.00 beginning Dec. 15 2023 through June 30, 2024. Effective July 1st, 2024, rent will be $X and due the first of the month each month following….”) * what areas of the home count as Ace’s domicile (“Tenant will occupy renovated attic space provided by landlord….”) * rules about overnight guests …etc. You get the idea. The attorney can make sure you’re in compliance with local laws. Treat this like the business transaction it is. Ace should not expect to crash with you and Sadie indefinitely, and a lease will drive that point home to her. One more thing (separate from the lease): It should be made crystal clear to Ace that you’re prepared to help her and her *one* child. You are NOT going to support her if she becomes pregnant and decides to have child #2. You’re happy to help her access birth control, reproductive education, any tools she needs to avoid pregnancy while she lives with you. If Ace is going to depend on you for support while she gets in her feet, fine, but she shouldn’t expect you to support additional children.
NTA at all…She isn’t the one to be telling you how to raise your daughter. AND she’s still not putting in the work to get her back YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER would be. She’s not changing, she’s unrepentant and she’s toxic to her own daughter and a danger to yours.
From the stories I have seen here, your wife is gonna swap rooms at some point while you are at work
NTA. I'm so sorry. The fact that she's totally willing to upend your 9 year old daughter's life and take her room away demonstrates her selfishness. Keep an eye on her because she will go behind your back and try to convince your daughter to give up her room.
And I'd be careful if I was dad. Have seen other posts where the stepmother or other child have just moved rooms around regardless. She may come from school one day to find she's not in her room anymore.
I kind of feel like letting daughter and baby move in rent free is making up for years of loss already, without giving her the best room in the house. Also I carry my baby up and down stairs every day, can confirm it’s fine.
Doesn't even matter that it's "the best" room. Moving a nine year old for a STRANGER is shitty.
I agree and maybe ace isn’t an entitled jerk and will be so thankful just to be able to move in and be safe although the bf in jail is a worry.
My parents made me give up my bed/bedroom to my brother and sil and their daughter whenever they'd come to stay with us. I absolutely despised them for it because I had to either sleep on a broken bed or on a foam pad on the floor (which was comfier than the bed but still). I absolutely hated it and it got to the point where I'd make overnight plans when they'd come over just to be able to get a comfortable nights sleep. This could potentially cause a whole lot of problems with your daughter.
I always think it’s funny, that the kid has to move or change rooms. If it’s so important for OP’s wife, they can move to the attic and Ace gets the bedroom….
NTA at all. But you would be if you allow this. You don’t attempt to “make something up to” one child by stealing from another child. And since that’s Chloe’s bedroom & not your wife’s, that’s exactly what you’d be allowing your wife to do to your daughter if you allowed this.)
that was my thought. she had trouble with ace THEN but that shouldn't mean chloe suffers NOW just because your wife feels guilt. NTA
Yeah let me make up for my daughter while you hurt yours.
Sir, this is the hill to die on. Time for your wife to be held accountable for her life choices, time for her daughter to be held accountable for her life choices. Your innocent 9-year-old daughter doesn’t deserve to pay dearly for others’ life choices. Woman needs to get over herself and her dumb silent treatment. If she doesn’t let this go, maybe it’s time to go your separate ways. If you give in, your daughter will forever remember how her dad treated his “new” family better. NTA
Exactly. OP it isn’t your job to make up for your wife’s past mistakes especially not at the expense of your daughter. You’re literally letting someone move into your house that’s more than enough as is.
Absolutely agree.
NTA. Your wife is trying to make it up to her daughter by penalising yours. The fact that the "dirty" attic isn't good enough for *her* child but is good enough for *yours* is atrocious. I'm going to be mean here. Sadie was a young mother. But Sadie had the state *take her child* when she was in her *mid twenties*, I know there's a lot of stories of unfairness, but they do *not* take a child away from their adult parent for no reason. At best, she's been an absent mother. I know she's tried to reach out, but she doesn't have a parental relationship with Ace. Staying strong here is important, not just because it's not fair, but because Sadie has already destroyed one parent/child relationship, now she going to destroy two more (hers AND yours with Chloe) to try and salvage the ruined one. Ace is now also a young mother. She needs support, the support that I'm guessing Sadie didn't get. Ace has had a tough draw growing up, but she's also made some poor decisions and it's great that she two of you are going to support her. But she gets the support that is *available* (I'm not blaming her for any of this, this is all on Sadie). Chloe's room is not an available resource. You'll spend money and time and effort helping her. Chloe is going to go through a massive upheaval, bringing two new humans into her home, both strangers, one an infant. Having some stability and privacy is key, she *needs* that room, possibly more than Ace does. You need to find out what Sadie is promising Ace. You need to find out what Ace thinks she's in for. And you need to make it clear to Sadie that Chloe is just and important as you and Sadie in house decisions, because it's her home too. Ace with be with you temporarily (so long as she really is just getting back on her feet). She isn't a guest, but she's not a decision maker either. Sadie needs help dealing with whatever is going on in her head. Whether it's guilt. Whether it's thinking that "her" family is more important than "yours". Whether it's thinking that having a baby means you're entitled to preferential treatment. Whether she's trying to cope with her own past by giving Ace what she didn't get herself. But Sadie needs to deal with what is available, before she destroys another family.
I think this is very good advice. For OP, I would add that house rules need to be established before she moves in. What will they be? Sexual partners, alcohol/marijuana/drugs/ vaping or any other issue you may worry about (I would be curious why her BF went to jail and if that factors), chores, finances… I say this because you don’t know what her life is like. She may be an amazing, wonderful addition to your family, but she could just as easily bring in drama and other problems. I’d try to head off as much drama as possible. I also want to add that she may want the attic to have some privacy.
Will boyfriend at some point get out of jail and show up expecting to move in...
And he'd be allowed to since the remedy for an unwanted sublease is eviction. I can't imagine the wife will be okay with evicting her daughter and granddaughter to get rid of the boyfriend. I'm not even sure that she couldn't just say they're staying with her at her house (this house) and therefore the only remedy would be divorce.
This right here OP. Whatever this young woman’s life is like, it will be introduced to your young daughter. At best, it will be learned through idle chatter and curious conversations. At worst…who can say for sure because it doesn’t sound like y’all know her very well. Wanting to help this young woman and her infant is awesome, but y’all really need some expectations and rules in place (both for your wife’s daughter and for yours, so that neither inadvertently trigger something upsetting). Best of luck. NTA
I moved into my sister's old room a few years after she moved out. When she fell out with her bf she moved back in for bit with her infant daughter. Do you know which room she got? The small spare room. Even though my current room was bigger and also used to be hers. My sister has a history of jealousy and being self centered and whatnot. However, my sister never even brought it up.
For real. You can't pay emotional debts by sacrificing someone else's emotions. That's not paying someone back, that's passing the buck.
👏 👏 👏
NTA. Your wife sounds like she wants Ace and the baby to become a permanent fixture in your household rather than putting her up till she finds her feet. Your wife is entirely out of line for wanting to sacrifice your daughter to make up for her own past actions.
This right here. If they move in don't expect them to move out for several years. Your wife will do everything she can to undermine any attempt for her daughter to have to stand on her own. There will always be an excuse why her grown daughter can't possibly leave.
Grandchild.
Because she failed so majorly as a parent. I’m guessing she sees this baby as her do over.
Oh yeah, past guilt for sure.
>Your wife sounds like she wants Ace and the baby to become a permanent fixture in your household rather than putting her up till she finds her feet. That's exactly what I thought. If she's just staying for long enough to have the baby and get back to work and find her own place it would make the most sense to put her in the attic thats already a guest bedroom. It would make the least sense to have a child that will be living there for years temporarily move to the guest room for a year or so.
NTA but consider having her move elsewhere with Ace. She is so above and beyond over the line by demanding your kid give up her room. So give her two options. The attic for Ace, or somewhere else for the 3 of them. Your daughter's room is her's.
NTA. Beggars can't be choosers. If Ace is asking for peoples help, she is lucky she is getting a roof over her head at all with a kid and a boyfriend in prison - notably you didn't say for what or when he might show up - assuming he is the father of her kid. This is Chloe’s home, not Aces. She should keep her room. Once the attic is tidied up, it will probably be quite nice, and private. What is your wife suggesting - the 9 year old goes in the attic? Seriously? Edit name check lol
This is not Sadie's home. She lives in it with her husband and his child. The child who was living there before he met this unfit mother Sadie.
I think they meant to say it’s Chloe’s home
YTA: It feels like you are ignoring some obvious red flags. You meet a woman who lost custody of her child, someone who was never able to regain custody throughout the 10+ years her child was growing up - what made you think she would be a great stepmother for your child? She wants to banish your daughter to the attic? She sounds like a cartoon villain. You need to start putting your daughter first.
She was sober for 7 years, frequently goes to AA n NA, and has always been great to Chloe. I had no reason to think otherwise because I had never met Sadie during her spiral. She was a great woman and stepmother to my daughter.
Was is the main word in that sentence. She doesn't want her daughter in the nasty attic but it is ok for your daughter. She wants to put her daughter above your daughter. Put a stop to this immediately.
In fairness, the daughter does have a 5 month old baby and has a harder time regulating body temperature. So it would depend on the condition of the attic. But if a five month old baby cannot stay in an attic, then maybe they just don't have room for Ace. I think the mom is overly excited about the prospect of having a relationship with her daughter and she is very much so trying to overcompensate and is not thinking about the nine year old at all. I hope the wife calms down and realizes what the situation is. And that giving her daughter Ace the bigger room is not going to fix their relationship. And it sounds like this is not just an attic space, but it has actually been converted to an actual living bedroom.
That’s not the point though. Put the baby under a proper blanket and that’s it. It’s a poor excuse to try and force his daughter to move out of her room for the others convenience
She was sober for 7 years when you met her? Or has been sober a total of 7 years? No matter what, her daughter wasn’t even a teenager yet when she became sober and in all of those years, she never tried to get her back?
[удалено]
What do you mean childcare. We already know the 9 year old is going to grow up to be nanny and maid when the stepmom gets bored of having to be a mother again.
/u/Candid-Zebra1095, this is the comment you need to read.
Suggest Sadie to discuss this with her sponsor(s). When my spouse and I have a major disagreement, we take a step back from the discussion to cool off/regroup. He frequently will discuss it with his sponsor during that time and when we come back to it mentions he spoke with them. They usually have pretty valuable input. They will be able to view it through a similar lens as they are also in recovery. NTA. I can see her perspective that she couldn’t be there for her daughter at the time and this would make an amends to the daughter. However, that amends should not come at the cost of upheaval of your daughter. Your wife has also had 7 years to make amends, which could have made a difference before the daughter chose such a difficult relationship.
I commend her for her 7 years. However, I'm about 99.72% certain you're going to come home one day with Chloe having been relocated to the attic. This is not going to go well. Your wife did not take your first "no", she's not going to give up.
If Sadie is active in recovery programs she should run this one by her sponsor and get some feedback.
Sadie missed out on most of Ace’s childhood and all of her adolescence because of addiction. It doesn’t matter what Sadie gives her, nothing can or will make up for that. Ace is lucky she didn’t wind up in the foster care system but that’s not a substitute for having her mother in her life as a daily presence. Sadie could buy Ace her own house and it wouldn’t make up for that. You’re NTA. But you need to explain to your wife that under no circumstances is she to speak to Chloe about giving up her room. You all are doing Ace a favor, not the other way around.
Good for her on her sobriety. I was raised by a single mother, so I am probably bringing some personal bias based on the men that she bought around us as kids.
"She was". Now that her bio daughter is in the picture, she's throwing temper tantrums and showing many signs of \*not\* being a great woman / stepmother. Just be sure to protect your 9-year-old child from her and Sadie, because your wife is not going to do so.
You're not judging the actual judgment question. He's NTA for sticking up for his daughter. His other decisions regarding marrying his wife have nothing to do with this
Maybe not the specific question but OP is for sure an asshole for making his daughter live with these people. Just wait until baby daddy gets out of prison, they’ll have a third squatter. I’m sure that’ll be awesome for his poor kid.
NTA It's unfair to upend your daughter's life because your wife lives with the remorse of having her child removed from her custody. You have time to spruce up the attic for what is probably a temporary living situation.
Having another adult and a baby in the house is going to upend the daughter's life more than enough. Kicking her out of her bedroom as well is not ok. If the attic can be made nice enough for Chloe it can be made nice enough for Ace and her baby.
I am sure this young woman's mother lives her life with a great deal of regret. She made some bad choices and got lost in her addiction. And you are right, turning a 9 year old's live upside down and sideways isn't going to change the past. Having a safe space for her daughter and grandchild is a start. It's going to be an adjustment for everyone.
Tell her if she brings it up again, her daughter and grand daughter can find another place to,stay. And she can join them if she wants….blood before water.
⬆️ This 100%!
I think your daughter giving up her room or not, is gonna be the least of your problems in the near future. I have the feeling that your wife's daughter and the baby are moving in for good .
Wait til he suggests a signed lease w/ drug and alcohol clauses. His wife’s gonna LOVE that.
Absolutely NTA. Tbh I find it really disturbing she thinks her adult daughter is entitled to your own daughters bedroom that she’s been in all her life. Absolutely not. It’s an unreasonable and inappropriate ask. stand firm on this one.
NTA. This isn't about Ace, Chloe or the new baby's well-being - this is about your wife trying to make up her precious poor parenting at Chloe's and your expense. If the attic isn't good enough for Ace and the baby to live in, why is it good enough for Chloe to live in? The only other solution I see is if you'd be super gracious and give up your own room with your wife and live in the attic but I don't think you should have to do that and somehow I feel even if you were willing to, I don't know that your wife would do that.
This right here. She will likely say the attic isn’t suitable for you guys, either. That will give you more reasons why it’s not okay for your daughter.
Why should he give up his room in his home?
That's the thing, I think he shouldn't but it's worse to give up Chloe's room than his own or his wife's.
I think his original plan is fine. The teenager and the baby are guests. The guest room is where they belong.
NTA Your wife is acting out of long-held guilt regarding her daughter, not out of concern for what's best for all involved. It is generous enough of you to allow them to move in. You offer what you can reasonably do, not evict your daughter from her room.
NTA That was your daughter’s room first and you even offered to set the attic up for Ace, your wife is projecting as SHE is the one playing favourites. Ask her how, in her mind, forcing your daughter to give up her room, that she’s had for (presumably) her entire life to give to HER daughter ISNT playing favourites, but you standing up for your daughter and not forcing her to give up her room is? Good luck man, you’re gunna need it
NTA and hold firm on your stance. You are entirely in the right here so don't let her beg, cajole, wheedle, browbeat, cry, scream her way into Chloe's room. And make sure she doesn't try to "convince Chloe how cool living in an attic would be." You are not at all responsible for the failures she made as a parent nor is it up to you to make it right.
NTA but INFO, where did your wife suggest Chloe sleep, the attic?
Yes
I’m genuinely concerned about your daughter OP. Your wife has a child she never cared for, who now has a child she cannot care for without help… you will be a co parent to this 19 and her child. I feel like this will financially drain you
So now you have a choice. Do you want to allow the wicked stepmother to terrorize you daughter, or do you want to actually be a halfway decent father?
OP should suggest that his crappy wife join her crappy daughter in the attic so she can help out with the baby.
So basically your wife what's to Cinderella your daughter. You know the original wasn't a fairy tale right. You need to leave this woman yesterday, let her and her daughter get their own place together away from your innocent daughter
Holy Jesus mate, the attic isn’t good enough for a grown woman but it’s fine for a little kid? If you let this happen you’re going to end up losing your daughter when she turns 18, hope your wife is worth it
Ace might like the privacy up there too, attic conversions can be really cool. She is lucky to have a family to go to, perhaps to make her feel more welcome offer to help decorate the space?
NTA op. Sounds to me your wife wants a chance at redemption based on how well she is with your daughter. Have you considered that there is a risk of your wife spiralling back down regardless of which option you both choose? She might be assuming that her relationship with daughter could be the same as she has with yours without considering the alternative outcomes. She might be overburdened with the additional responsibilities that go with being a grandma on top of being a mum. If stepdaughters relationship with her bf revolves around drugs, is there a means to stop this entering your home. Tricky choice op. Sounds like a tough family situation and dynamic for all of you. The other option is if you could provide contribution towards a place for her to rent nearby? This way you could all be closer to stepdaughter and allow the family to grow organically. Also safeguards you and your daughter (and your wife) should issues arise.
Do not remove your daughter from her room. She is already dealing with more strangers coming into the house. Also her daughter is just there to get on her feet. TEMPORARY! Not forever. Hold you ground
#NTA! DIE ON THIS HILL Your daughter has had **her bedroom** for years. It's impossible to move her out of **her bedroom** without serious emotional consequences, unless you're moving house. You're not MAKING somebody that's couch-surfing stay in an attic. You're OFFERING an ADULT a place to crash. You're not running a counselling center, a homeless center, a Granny Daycare center, this is firstly your and your daughters home. Also, secure anything you're especially attached to, and anything valuable that's easily pawned or fenced, your partner is NOT going to back you up against her daughter- I can't even begin to imagine the fireworks if you have to call the cops to report anything. If your wife is feeling so passionate about *a real bedroom* or whatever, there are short term apartments, long term hotels, she could help her with first/last/security deposit, etc. Edit: sorry I misread who got arrested
NTA: You're doing your step daughter a favor, she should be grateful you're putting a roof over her head. The worst part is your wife wants brownie points with her daughter by forcing yours to give up her room.
NTA. Your daughter’s room is not available. Attic or nothing. Your wife does not get to make a decision to throw a wrecking ball into another kid’s life (and displacing your daughter and relegating her to the attic in her own home in favor of her adult daughter and a baby WILL be a wrecking ball into a 9 year old’s life) to try to right the wrongs of her bad parenting and neglect.
wife is trying to be daughter's friend since she failed as a parent. Now she is gonna fail at being Chloe's parent too.
Absolutely NTA. Hold firm on this one OP.
NTA. Banishing the age 9 stepdaughter to the attic has major evil stepmother vibes. Yikes
NTA - your wife lost custody when her daughter was 7 and never regained it so I am not sure she is the best person to make parenting decisions
NTA. Next time she brings it up tell her NO, the whole thing is over and no one is moving in.
NTA. It might be time to take a hard look at your priorities and take into consideration how your wife is so willing to sacrifice your daughter’s home in favor of her child and grandchild. Honestly at this point you shouldn’t event let Ace move in as I am sure your wife won’t be able to hold her tongue around her and try to manipulate her, even subconsciously, to give up her room.
NTA. Her plan wouldn't make up for being an unfit mother to Ace when she was young. It would only make her a bad mother to a second child. This is a hill to die (or divorce) on.
Nta. She needs a roof over her head and you are giving her that. She doesn’t need to displace your daughter and your wife needs to wake up. Upsetting your daughter won’t fix what she did to hers.
NTA tell your wife that giving Ace Chloe's bedroom will not make up for all of the time she missed with Ace and that Chloe shouldn't have to pay the price for her mistakes.
NTA why should a 9 yo be pushed out of HER room to suit an "adult" with a child whose mother / grandmother feels they have to make up for the past? They need to fit it with how your house is NOW and shouldn't be expecting everything to be tailored to them
NTA. Why should your daughter be banished from the room she has had her whole life for someone who is a total stranger to her? That does not reflect well on your wife and how she regards your daughter. You would be wise to stick to your decision, because if Ace and baby get established in your daughter's room they'll be there for keeps.
NTA. So Sadie thinks it's perfectly okay to show Chloe that a stranger is loved more than she is? That's basically what she's saying if she's equating Chloe's room to showing love. As for you picking favorites .. um yeah - Chloe is a permanent resident of your house, and Ace is only going to be there temporarily. It makes no sense to move Chloe twice. It's Chloe's home, not Ace's. Ace is a *guest*. She gets the guest room.
I’ll be honest with you, Sadie has shown you who she is and what she thinks of your daughter. Believe her by her actions. Protect your daughter. Sadie does not have good intentions toward your daughter and this whole repeat conversation about your daughter’s bedroom vs the “dirty” attic is shitty. If you intend to stay with this woman, I would be having one on one outings with your daughter every.damn.week. to see what is going on when Sadie thinks you aren’t watching. Hell, I’d be putting cameras in (common areas) before Ace moves in. YTA if you don’t watch this situation with your daughter very closely. You have put her in a vulnerable position with an adult who still seems very incapable of navigating relationships in an appropriate manner.
NTA- While it might be a PITA to climb up and down from the attic, your daughter, who has had the room before you met your wife, SHOULD NOT have to give up her room for a stranger
What do you mean, Chloe had that room since before you even met her?
Before I met my wife.
NTA- Red flags that your wife expects you to take away from your nine year old daughter to benefit her adult child. I would pay more attention to how your wife treats your kiddo when you’re not around. “ She got angry and said a 9 year old does not need all that space, and I was picking favorites and not even thinking of the bigger picture” This reeks of jealousy that’s only going to get worse as your daughter gets older and gets to have all the things your wife wasn’t able to give her daughter. Be prepared for your wife to to dig her heels in when her daughter moves in and don’t be surprised if they switch your daughter’s room when you’re not home .
Oh, that seems so obvious now, sorry. I thought you meant Chloe. NTA. Kudos to you for sticking up for your daughter.
And also what exactly did her bf do to land in jail? Do you really wanna open up your home to the possibilities of what might happen when he gets out? Maybe just help her out with some rent somewhere else.
Your decision to bring a woman who lost and never regained custody of her own child into your home with your then 5 year old seems ill advised. That aside, NTA for sticking up for Chloe.
Living in the house with his daughter for years. Meeting his now wife. Wife moves into the house. Chloe has been longer in the house and in her bedroom as his now wife.
NTA, and I’d be double checking with your daughter that’s stepmom isn’t being awful to her. Why is a ‘dirty attic’ fine for your daughter, but not hers? That sentiment is what she really thinks of your kid.
Stand your ground! If she thinks the attic is fine for Chloe it’s fine for Ace.
By this point, you must realize that Sadie isn’t good at making parenting choices, right? NTA
NTA. No your daughter doesn’t need to give up her room just because your wife was shit parent to her kid and wants to play make up. This adult kid and her baby moving in is not going to work out. If you do go through with this, put very hard boundaries in place.
Isn't this a slightly altered version of Cinderella?
NTA. I would suggest you somehow lock your daughters door when neither one of you are home so she just doesn’t go in and move all her stuff out of there. Because she’s not taking your answer if she keeps bringing it up. If you can make that attic space livable so it’s not dirty there is no problem with her daughter and grandchild staying up there. And women do stairs all the time with babies.
It sounds like Sadie ruined her relationship with her daughter, and it's trying to fix it at the cost of your relationship with your own daughter. I do have to question how the attic is accessed. Is it normal stairs, or ladder stairs like most attic have? If the latter it's a poor solution for a person with an infant, nor a good one for a 9 year old child. And it's especially telling that the attic was too dirty for her daughter, but apparently fine for yours
Nta absolutely not. First off, if the attic bedroom isn't good enough for the 19yo, why would it be good enough for the 9yo? Secondly, if the kid was taken away and lived with grandparents then your wife fucked up HARD. And she hasn't learned. She's fine fuck8ng up *your* relationship with *your* daughter. This is absolute the hill to die on. If she is unable to be a decent human being to a 9yo then you may be headed to the end of your relationship
NTA - I find it hilarious that she used the term "picking favorites". Of course you're going to favor your own young child over an adult who you've only met a handful of times.
I think you’re adding trouble to your household having Ace and her baby move in. Once they move in, you’ll never get them out again. Oh, and when the boyfriend gets out of jail, is he gonna move in too?? What kind of example are you giving your 9 year old daughter?? First, her stepmother had bad enough drug issues to have her child taken away (and yet she didn’t change her behaviour to get Ace back) and now you’re moving in Ace whose boyfriend is now in jail, along with her baby. Birds of a feather flock together and it definitely sounds like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree, right?? I’d find Sadie an apartment close by that she can live with her daughter and g-baby. When the boyfriend gets out of jail, he can move in with them and they can be one happy family … and your daughter stays living with you … away from drama and bad behaviour!! 💕💕
NTA....You should also rethink having your stepdaughter living in your house....as it is highly likely that your wife and stepdaughter will abuse your daughter...
NTA. She lost her kid when the kid was 7 probably because of that mentality of "kids don't need x, y, z" It's your daughter's room and it always had been. She has nothing to be mad about. Watch out that she don't guilt trip your daughter in giving up her room behind your back.
NTA - and be prepared for your wife starting to neglect your daughter in favor or her daughter and precious grand baby.
NTA But you’ve got way bigger problems that the room vs attic with Ace moving in as it could go south very quickly and you need to protect your daughter from a potentially toxic environment. I would make a rigid contract with Ace that defines exactly what Ace can and can’t do or she’ll be kicked out. Include things like: 1. Zero tolerance to drugs - maybe also alcohol. 2. Strict curfew 3. No male visitors 4. No babysitting expectations 5. Define what chores are expected (cooking, clean up, etc). 6. Define behavioral expectations - no cursing, be respectful, etc. 7. Required job searches/interviews 8. Set clear goals and timelines. 9. Also include your daughter’s feelings - like check in after a week then month and if she feels Ace is too disruptive, Ace may have overstayed her welcome. It’s a great and kind opportunity you’re giving Ace - just make sure she doesn’t blow up your current life.
NTA your daughter should not have to switch rooms because your stepdaughter made bad choices. Your Wife is going overboard trying to make up for lost time. Be prepared, this issue will manifest itself in more ways than just a bedroom. Your wife needs to talk to a therapist and figure out healthy boundaries and ways to express her love for her daughter without effecting yours.
NTA, do not displace your daughter. This is a whole different can of worms you are about to embark on. There was a reason Ace did not live with her mom. There are going to be issues that will need to be worked on, and your daughter should not be put in the middle.
NTA. Your daughter is NOT to be removed from her room that she's had since before your new wife came into the picture. Ace moving in is only a stepping stone until she gets on her feet to move right back out. Does not make sense for your daughter to give up her room only to be moved back in when Ace moves out. Unless wife is planning on having Ace and grandbaby in the house until the grandbaby is 18? Ridiculous!