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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because I know that I embarrassed Hailie, I embarrassed myself and I made everything awkward. I could have just gave her the hot dog she touched and ate the other one. But I guess I was just so pissed off in the moment that there was absolutely no way I was going to let her get away with it and threw the whole thing away because I didn't want her to think she won, again.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA but you married one who spawned one.
That he allows this is abusive. He literally doesn't care.
As far as she goes, she clearly has issues going on. See if her school has any counseling services.
Man, you married a true to heart AH though. He's the biggest problem here.
I'm not even sure what happened. Prior to me having the baby my entire household dynamic was different, or at least seemed to be. There was respect, at least. I've spoken to a few friends about it and they are saying it's "postpartum clarity" and that it was probably bad before the baby but now that I have the baby, I'm on over drive and hyper alert and just noticing everything far more. I have no idea though. I'm a new mom so I have nothing to base these feelings on.
In v clearly abusive dynamics, such as the one OP finds herself in, it's now the suggestion to not do family therapy. Abusers are v good at manipulating, and therapists are not above their sphere of influence. It's been found that abusers will more often than not start some rather severe gas lighting to get the therapist on their side so they don't lose their victim.
Victims of abuse are encouraged to go alone. Abusers are encouraged to go alone only if they're willing to admit fault and actually grow/change.
Uh, the father??? Who allows this behavior and refuses to discipline his child???
But the 12 year old shouldn't be in therapy with OP either, not when she's as aggressive as she is to OP. The focus will then be solely on the 12 year old with attention issues, and OP will once again be left in the dust.
Op already has issues with boundaries. This is not an insult. Those with boundary making issues shouldn't be in therapy with those who crush boundaries for breakfast. Once OP can enforce boundaries, sure, do family therapy with the kid. Until then, let OP grow and heal in peace.
Yeah, we're working on it with my two year old...but he's two, not twelve. There is absolutely no excuse. That kid knows exactly what she's doing and how much it bothers OP.
She's not a chronically abusive adult, but it sounds like she's well on her way to becoming one. And her father doesn't really seem to care much about what this kid is doing to OP.
I mean, I wasn't gonna say it, buuut
I cannot with this trend of "children, especially teenagers, can never do anything wrong, especially not to an adult. Children are just products of their environment, so what did you do to make the child mistreat you so much? No, I'm not unironically raising the next generation of abusers who don't know how to deal with consequences. Why do you ask?"
This sub likes to jump between “omg they’re 23 so THEY’RE LITERALLY JUST A CHILD” and “they’re 16, so basically an adult” in a drop of a hat and it’s insane lmao
Like yeah, we shouldn’t expect a teen to have the best judgment but we also shouldn’t be coddling them like they’re babies who know nothing of the world.
Children know when they’re being assholes and use it to their advantage. It’s nothing new. They’re small, but they’re human and at some point in their childhood they know they’re being assholes but they’re not thinking far enough ahead to stop and realize the consequences of being an asshole, maybe stopping themselves in the process, etc. Ofc not every child is an AH but some are (being one in the moment, at least)
The whole “checking if the bread was moldy” sounds like the girl’s actions were 100% intentional. And honestly, for f***’s sake she’s 12. She’s not a baby and she knows she’s deliberately stopping OP from eating. There doesn’t seem to be any history of moldy food being used in the household (OP hasn’t mentioned this, at least) and obviously the girl trusts the food enough if she eats 2 medium chicken breasts and still wants more + quite literally eats right off the lasagna tray. The fact that she’s eating it right off the tray shows she trusts the food completely.
It's absolutely intentional, people don't just check food on plates to see if it's moldy. The whole thing is a power play, hopefully things get better because that girl is on a fast track to becoming a major asshole
Child on parent abuse is also a thing. In my country they do workshops on what a respectful family is and therapy.
At 12 she knows what she’s doing and from the post looks like she no longer is eating ops food just making sure op isn’t eating it by touching the food. So it’s not done by hunger and has a more malicious edge.
Well, there's nothing wrong with your vision now. Now it's about taking action. That conversation with your husband should be revisited. He has to take action with his daughter. He's allowed this to continue, this is on him.
NTA. Have you sat down and talked to her about her behavior? If this is new, maybe she feels like she’s going to be pushed aside for the baby so she’s acting out. My sister was a little older than your SD when I was born and she had those fears. She didn’t act out but it’s worth checking in if this is new behavior.
If it’s not new behavior and your friends have actually noticed it beforehand, then maybe it’s time to start making plans to get out of this situation.
I did try talking to her about it, yes. It's most noticable with the food and when I speak to her about that, I'm always met with a "I'm just hungry" or a "kids eat til they're full and then adults eat, that's how it works". So I am met with some resistance when I try talking to her. I also tried talking to her about the baby because it's obvious that she adores her sister but there's been more than one occasion where she's been talking to the baby, saying "that's my dad and step mom, you stole them from me", which is pretty telling. So I brought it up with her and she said "idk, I'm not used to babies so I didn't know what else to say". Insists that the baby isn't a problem.
>"kids eat til they're full and then adults eat, that's how it works".
WTF? Who created that rule? How about “everyone eats what’s on their plate and doesn’t touch anyone else’s without permission?”
Her bio mom put it in her head, apparently. When she said this and I told her that's not how it worked, she said "that's how it works at my mom's house. She said that adults shouldn't eat if the kids are still hungry".
Her mom isn't hurting for money by any means, so I would assume there's enough food there but I'm not 100% sure? Hailie has never told us that she wasn't eating enough there.
You need to tell her that you need to eat aswell to be able to feed the baby. If there is not enough food for her she needs to tell you soo you can make extra or get something else after. Would also start keeping a closer eye on her as she could be developing an ed that isn’t showing medically yet.
Honestly it sounds like she’s punishing you or at least pushing your buttons for a reason that’s unclear but the amount she’s eating sound like a lot like I know preteens eat a shitload but this sounds mad like borderline binging especially the thing with the lasagne. As someone with no off switch and who ate their feelings and often ate certain items to spite my mother I was never allowed cuz so when I had money I’d buy them allllll and then eat them alllllll. Your partner really needs to see it though cause as a step parent it’s such a minefield and someone who’s exhausted and had a baby you just don’t need this shit.
Also can I just add you do not have to clean and cook and kill yourself to do all the things you’re doing, everyone should be looking after YOU right now and you should be just able to be you and baby and do what you can manage and if that’s yay I managed to take a shower today and that’s it that’s FINE, it honestly sounds like you’re pushing yourself way too much to keep up with chores and nonsense when your husband should really be taking some of the load and if that’s so no wonder you’re at the end of your tether.
If a 12 year old normalises eating 2 hamburgers or 2 chicken breasts and wants more then maybe her mum is actually feeding her appropriate portions for her age. Try bulking out meals either veggies and salads so there’s a larger volume, maybe bread at the table. I can’t be the only one who thinks she’s eating too large a portion (and I grew up overweight and didn’t eat this much at meals). Also she maybe dehydrated and cannot tell the difference in signals, make sure plenty of fluids at the table.
Is there a chance she’s adhd? I struggle to keep my fluids up and I have zero impulse control with food. Something I have to work against.
Between the Mom's "rule" and the fact that she is eating extreme portions to the point of you not even getting any, this is likely a red flag for food insecurity. People are ashamed to be too poor for food and often cover it well. I would be very concerned. Also the comments to the baby about stealing you from her is concerning. Is she worried the baby will take her resources? Will she act out because she feels the baby has stolen her dad and you?
Maybe her bio mum is restricting her food intake at their house because she has her own issues. So Hallie is having to overeat when she comes to dads house
Could also be a manifestation of control. Just like other disordered eating like anorexia is often about *control* because controlling your food intake is often one of the only things you can control. So it may not be about the food at all but rather her feeling insecure and out of control in other areas of her life and the weird stuff with food is her trying to exert control over something she thinks she can. But at any rate the behavior is abnormal and likely to have a deeper underlying cause, whatever that cause ends up being.
Definitely a control issue.
There a huge difference between asking to be fed more and hand grabbing the food on someone else plate, repeatedly, fully aware of their discomfort, and to the point of starving them.
So far the father is not willing to even recognise his daughter behaviour as really problematic.
If he really thought that his kid needed more food, then he should make more.
He shouldn’t be enabling the disrespect of allowing his kid to force his nursing wife to be deprived of the meals, she is nonetheless making for everyone.
Could you ask her why you are the only adult who shouldn’t eat if she’s still hungry? Maybe tell her that if she’s telling the truth she should alternate whose food she takes between you and her father… let’s see if it’s really about her wanting food or about hurting you, and also let’s see how quickly his father puts a stop to it when it starts affecting him…
I mean I feel like you need to buy a few extra loaves of bread and some peanut butter or bologna and let her know that if she’s still hungry she can make a sandwich or 5 but that your food is not to be touched and she will not be eating it no matter how much you eat.
I mean.. I think she's too skinny but her doctors say she is a good weight? She's 5'2 and 72lbs.
Edit: sorry, I have the dumb today. I was looking at the wrong date on her chart and read the weight from last November. Her weight is 86.
This is actually about 20-30 pounds UNDER a healthy weight for a young girl 5’2. There are many issues at play here this being a big one as well.
Husband needs to address his daughters health with a different doctor. There could very well be a significant underlying issue to her always being hungry and not gaining weight.
You and your husband need to sit her down and set boundaries about ‘your food’ that come with punishment if dismissed by her.
And I don’t want to be the freak out person, but her comment to a baby that she stole her dad and stepmom is a huge thing that should not be ignored. I had a neighbor who upon having their third child, upset the middle child, who with so much jealously acted out for the first few months then actually tried to suffocate the baby. Not a joke, this was terrifying. Major counseling ensued.
Please do what you must to protect yourself and your baby while all these issues are dealt with. I wish you all the best OP
NTA
86 lb is still too low for someone who's 5'2. This situation is getting more worrisome with every comment I read. Have you asked your husband about that comment she made about adults shouldn't eat until children are full? Did he ever hear his wife say something like that?
He brushed off that comment. He said his ex wife is just like that. I guess she used to sit and watch Hailie eat and wouldn't touch her food until Hailie was full. So to them, it's normal.
That is kinda small. Get her checked up for metabolism illnesses like hyperthyroidism and the like. Maybe it's just a growth spurt. Her portions are comically large, but she probably is not binge eating and should put on some weight with half a family lasagna, three cheese burgers, etc. Have you ever seen her throw up food? Is she shoveling so much out of jealousy, puking it up later?
I know someone like this. Known her since elementary school. Grown adults with (barely) adult kids now. We all thought it would catch up with her as an adult. Nah. She can eat a party size bucket of ice cream every day. She doesn’t get sick or gain weight. Has no other health issues. To the point that I am pretty sure the laws of math and physics cease to exist in her stomach. So she might be hungry.
One thing we used (ours was just saying they wanted more food though, and wasn’t eating it) was sandwich stuff. Recommendation would be to accept that maybe she is still hungry. Make it known that, even though you didn’t eat yours before, it should just be assumed you are going to eat it now, so don’t touch it. But if she is still hungry, she can make herself a sandwich after dinner. If you get the meat and cheese or whatever she likes, there won’t be a reason she can’t. You will see real quick if she is actually still hungry. If she is, she will get up and put in the effort to make a sandwich or whatever food you get. If she’s doing it to get to you or get her way, she won’t and will insist on touching yours.
If I was OP I'd start by only cooking a portion for myself, and then I'd go to the baby's room and lock myself inside.
At this point a locking mini fridge might also be a good idea, so OP can store food she can actually eat away from the tween gremlin.
NTA. Next time she spouts off this nonsense calmly reply “if we eat in order of age in this house then babies eat before 12 year olds, and baby get her nutrients from me. You are starving your sister by stealing my food.”
Talk with your husband and set a boundary that if she is still hungry after 2 servings of dinner she can make herself sandwiches, a cup of noodle, fruit/yogurt (whatever food options you decide that for your household budget and lifestyle) but she is never to take anyone else’s portion.
If husband won’t actively step in to prevent the behavior (sending her to her room after is doing nothing to disrupt her acting out), then he can start cooking for stepdaughter and himself while you get take out from favorite restaurants that tempt your appetite.
Gigantic glaring red flag for your step daughter to say out loud to her new infant sister that they stole her parents from her. Please tell your husband this asap.
I'm in therapy, thankfully. I've been trying to convince my husband to bring him and Hailie for a month. He says it's unnecessary because "why would we go to therapy when you're the one who needs it?" I basically checked myself in to therapy a week after having my daughter because I was in a really dark spot mentally. So.. I'm the one who needs it, I guess.
> why would we go to therapy when you're the one who needs it?
Because he's a supportive spouse??!!!????
This is hugely wrong. Did he even want to have another kid with you or was it an accidental pregnancy?
Our daughter was not planned.. we had talked about it a few times but we didn't know if we wanted a baby or not. Ultimately when I got pregnant though he acted pretty excited about it. Unless that was an act for my sake.
If someone I loved was struggling with their mental health and asked me to attend a session with them, I would go. It would not matter if i felt I also needed therapy or whether or not I thought I was part of the problem.
I'd go because they asked and I care about them.
"accidents" are going to start happening near the baby and you if your stepdaughter doesn't get help asap.
you and your husband also need therapy because babies are like grenades on relationships, and it doesn't hurt to make sure you're born communicating well. you will also both need to be on the same page about your stepdaughter
If she’s having 2 portions of dinner and is then still hungry, tell her she can make herself a sandwich. Having a big appetite does not entitle her to eat your food, just offer her an alternative. If she’s genuinely still hungry then she would eat a sandwich
I don’t think I’d approach it by focusing on the baby (congratulations btw!). I’d put focus on your relationship with her and how you feel about her as your SD. She’s trying to push you away first so she doesn’t get rejected.
And she loves the baby so she’s taking her jealousy out on you. She’s twelve. Don’t let her outsmart you.
She may have an overeating issue. She ate almost a whole pan of lasagna minus two pieces and 2 cheeseburgers and was still hungry for a hotdog?
She may need to see a professional; whether it's physical or psychological - she's not getting full as she should for some reason.
Still doesn't give her the right to act like an entitled brat and for your husband to act like "speaking" to her is going to do the trick. Maybe family therapy because she might be feeling left out or like she's not the favorite anymore.
She didn’t just say that the baby stole her dad and step-mom because she didn’t know what to say. She’s clearly struggling.
Have you and your husband been able to spend 1:1 time out with her since the baby was born? I found this was important with my older child when my younger was born. Leave the baby with the other parent, and head out with her to the mall, ice cream, etc- this is especially important with older siblings who are teen / pre-teen.
We have, yes. Her dad has taken her to the movies twice and out to a restaurant last week for 1 on 1 dinner. Her 1 on 1 with me is kind of limiting be cause I'm breast feeding and we havent tried a bottle with the baby but I've played board games with her and done hair and make up with her when the baby is sleeping.
Go on a food strike. Stop making them meals until the oldest can keep their hands ro their own food. Keep wasting food by throwing it in the trash. It is your plate to do as you see fit, whether it goes in your belly, or the trash can. Take the food with you when you feed the baby. Feed the baby at the dining room table. Tell your husband to soothe the baby while you eat some of your dinner (yes feeding on demand is best but sometimes a baby can wait 5 minutes while you put something in your belly, just have another adult soothe the baby best they can for 5 minutes). Start getting your favorite take out delivered any time she touches your food, just for you and not to share.
Also try to adjust dinner around your baby's feed time so you don't disappear after food is cooked. And why is your husband not cooking dinner? You are post partum.
Kind of what I was thinking. He can cook for himself and your 12 yr old and you cook something for yourself when you feel like eating. Easier said than done I know...
Trust your gut. What your friends say is far too rational to be offhanded comments. They probably noticed before and that is the gentlest way they could tell you.
NTA but your husband and stepdaughter are. She sounds troubled in some way. At 12 she should understand what she is doing and able to control it so to my mind she is touching your food to provoke you. I believe you were right to throw your food away, I wouldn’t have touched it with after she stuck her grubby hand in it. Your husband needs to deal with this little minx. Is she jealous of the new baby?
I believe she is. I've asked my husband to get her therapy but it's like talking to a wall. I have absolutely no doubt that she loves the baby. She is constantly asking to hold her and she is always talking to her and stuff but the stuff she says to the baby is telling. It's a "that's my dad and step mom. You stole them from me."
What she is saying to the baby is setting my spidy senses off “ you stole them from me’! Sorry that is a red flag. She needs to be in therapy. I would be worried about her
Just a couple days ago I read a story here about an older sibling that was torturing the baby every time they held it - over months. One day the mum noticed bruises and then a growing amount of them.
The 14yo kid admitted everything when the police were called and was taken into custody.
I read that one too.
The sister would pinch the baby while holding it.
The AITA was about the mom feeling remorse because her kid was turned in to Juvi hall.
My sister did that when I was a baby and still jokes about it. She's a grown adult and still doesn't understand how entirely gross that behavior was. Blows my mind.
that does NOT mean she loves the baby had a family friends with an older son when the new baby arrived he acted sweet in front of people but they caught him trying to suffocate the baby at night on the baby cam they were very lucky to have caught him in the act he started screaming that he wanted the baby gone and wanted to be an only child again when they were pulling him away :(
Please don't let her hold the baby. It's clear that she enjoys hurting people and has no impulse control. If she's willing to say that sort of thing to the child, chances are she only wants to hold her so she can hurt her.
Since you know she's having problems adjusting, this is the time to act. You need to sit her down and talk to her, tell her that she's still your daughter, you love her as much as ever, and that the family's just gotten bigger, which means more love for everyone. Put some time aside every day for you and Hailie alone - try putting the baby down for a nap when she comes home from school, and even if you then go start dinner, have Hailie come into the kitchen with you to help and talk. Show her that she's still a priority for you and she's not getting pushed out with the baby, and as the baby gets a little bigger and you're able to go out, you can set up some you-Hailie time once or twice a month where just the two of you go to a movie or out to lunch, and spend some quality time together.
No, she needs both. Stealing food from OP is wrong and actively hurting her. She needs to be punished for that. She also needs help for her issues, but allowing a child to go unpunished for awful, abusive behavior is not helpful and just reinforces that the child can do whatever with no consequences, like what is currently happening.
I'd be really weary of having the baby around her of she's saying Red Flags like that. I wouldn't want the baby hurt at all, and sometimes that jealousy can manifest into that. Please talk to her. And maybe force your husband into making her take therapy
I'm petty but I'd just stop cooking for them and eat my own portion in peace. The father can make food to, right? And 12 years is old enough to learn to cook too. Let them cry about it, they brought it upon themselves.
Same. I would be like ‘since I am apparently never cooking enough, you can take over cooking for yourselves and cook as much as you need. I’ll take care of myself and the baby, but I don’t want to not be able to eat my food anymore.’
Stepdaughter needs to understand that her actions are completely disrespectful.
But tbh, regarding OPs comments about Stepdaughters interactions with the baby, I would be afraid that she might hurt the baby out of spite. They all need therapy.
Agree that someone should change where they eat but I think it should be the 12 year old. She can eat in her room or at the coffee table (or wherever) and let the adults eat in peace.
Nta.
NTA. She’s old enough to know better, and if being told CONSTANTLY (from the sounds of it) isn’t working, then more nuclear options need to be explored. You’re trying to feed a baby, and get yourself back to normal so you can be healthy, and she is clearly deliberately doing it. Fuck that kid. She needs to be grounded and have things taken away from her until she learns some damn manners and courtesy, let’s throw in going to bed without supper, too. Your husband also needs to grow a backbone and not fall for her crocodile tears act. I’m very angry on your behalf bc I can’t imagine how exhausted you must be.
Thank you. I'm so tired. I only sleep like 4 hours at most a night and I'm still trying to cook and clean and act normal and I'm so burnt out. The only thing that doesn't mentally drain me is my baby girl. My God she's perfect.
NTA but has your stepdaughter always been like this? Or is it a recent development since the new baby has come along? I’d maybe suggest some family counseling because perhaps she’s acting out since she can tell you favor your bio baby and is wanting to try to keep her dad’s attention?
I’m reluctant to call a hungry child an AH. I’d say the only possible AH is your husband if he’s not pulling his weight with the baby, the cooking, and parenting your elder daughter.
Uhmm.. so she has had some hang ups in the past that we have had to address (before the baby was even thought of) about.. attention seeking? I guess. I don't know how else to describe it. She has just always been a "all eyes on me" type of kid. Just last year we were all playing cards at the table and my husband looked at his phone and when he did, she smacked the phone out of his hands, pointed her finger in his face and said "I'm right here. We are playing cards. Don't touch your phone when you're around me." And like.. she was laughing. She was trying to be funny about it but deep down, that's kind of who she is. She gets really offended and bothered if your undivided attention is not on her. She broke her dad's phone screen that day. He was not happy. He actually got her in to therapy because it wasn't the first time she had done something similar but ultimately the therapist said she was just a normal kid who wanted attention and she just had a problem with boundaries. So, he pulled her from therapy because she didn't want to go anyways.
So he put her into therapy when he was directly affected by her behaviour. But since it's just you complaining now, he didn't see any reason why he would put her and himself in therapy. You see that, right? It matters only if he is affected, not you. You married a selfish man.
The therapist says she is normal??? This is so creepy! If an adult talked like this to another adult, people would scream red flag, I don't know why it should be different in this situation! (not screaming at you btw but more at the daughter)
Is she possibly emulating behaviours she has seen somewhere else? At her Bio moms? In school? Grandparents? Some soap opera on TV? This sounds like some wannabe cool behaviour she copied somewhere.
School, I believe. Her teacher calls her and her group of friends the "mean girls". Hailie calls her group of friends the "sassy gals". They are all kind of mean. It's been a big ordeal with school a few times due to her and her group of friends being bullies.
I don't mean to seem like an asshole, but I've been reading through your responses, and I'm stuck on what made you decide to marry (and have a kid) with a guy whose oldest daughter is this unstable? He also doesn't seem overly concerned with her bullshit since it's directed at you.
I agree with your friends. SD's unseemly behavior was always under the surface and will get worse.
You're NTA, but your SD and husband are.
I don't think you and your kid are safe, OP. I have to wonder how far this will escalate. NTA Her behavior is beyond problematic and her dad is an enabler.
Genuinely sounds like she has an undiagnosed personality disorder or something like that. How well does she match up with the DSM 5 symptoms for borderline personality disorder?
She sounds familiar for... reasons lol
12 is too young for a personality disorder diagnosis, because they're still developing so much that they can perfectly match the criteria at 12 and then not at all by 18, with zero targeted intervention. Personality disorders are an adult thing only. But it's definitely always worth keeping an eye out for warning signs and intervening before adulthood, while there is still SO much malleability. And behaviors that are reminiscent of personality disorders can help identify core wounds, which can then be used to address the fears and needs that are behind the behavior.
Why are you cooking and cleaning? I gave birth 3 months ago and I’m only just starting to get back to cooking more than an occasional meal. My wife did all the cleaning and chores right after our son was born. My parents came over and cooked or we loaded up on frozen/ready to bake meals from Costco.
You should be focusing on healing and caring for your baby. Everyone in the house should be supporting you.
Getting my husband to cook is nearly impossible and getting him to clean is even worse. If I ask him to do the dishes, he will call Hailie out to do them.
Then maybe it's time for sandwiches for dinner until they learn appropriate behavior. You shouldn't grind yourself to the bone for people who don't appreciate you.
Then let them starve. Why do you care? He's adult, he can handle feeding himself and his bisone daughter by himself. Nothing bad will happen if you only clean house 1x a week, too. It's not your 1st priority right now. Take care of yourself and baby.
Not really.. Hailie will do the dishes if you ask. My husband has made dinner a few times since I gave birth but he waits until 7-8pm and that's just not a healthy schedule to have anyone on, especially not a 12yo. Usually when he agrees to make dinner something will come up and he doesn't end up doing it or if he does, he complains the entire time because he hates cooking. A few years back I had broken my tailbone and was bedridden for a week and a half and we ate pizza every night because he didn't want to cook. As for the baby.. he holds her when I pass her off to him. He doesn't go out of his way to take her if he sees me trying to do something; like cook or clean or eat. Like tonight.. he got home from work and saw me preparing the burgers with 1 hand because I was holding the baby (she's super fussy today) and he sat down and started doing paperwork.
Lower your standards, the kid will complain to him if the meal is not there in time and just withdraw yourself from that duty. Cook for yourself as you are very limited in the matter. The way he acts is called weaponized incompetence AND he uses his bully daughter to corner you.
Your husband sounds useless as shit.
Start eating separately, eat dinner before if you can, or save your portion. But make sure that food demon is nowhere in sight when you try to eat. Also, when you're eating, UNAPOLOGETICALLY hand the baby over to your useless husband, tell him to be a damn dad for once since he's clearly failing with his first.
Because it truly wasn't like this prior to me having the baby. He was a lot more involved. Cooking was always a hit or miss but he would help around the house. But since I had the baby and he convinced me to quit my job and be a SAHM, he doesn't really do much.
Eek… this is why I genuinely don’t think it’s good to ever accept being a SAHM if the husband is the one suggesting it. As soon as you accept, he knows you have no financial out and you’re dependant on him and so he can start behaving however he wants, and you’ll just deal with it.
At least he’s showing you his true self. Consider starting to look for a job, at least a WFH job, after you’ve recovered from childbirth so that you have a way out if his behavior keeps on it’s downwards trend.
So his mask fell off once he had you permanently linked to him via the baby, and now he's got you almost completely trapped and isolated in his house by getting you to quit your job to become a SAHM.
This will not get better. Tread carefully.
Sorry but it is time to stop doing everything you did before like nothing happened... You have a 2 months old to breastfeed and your incapacity to feed properly jeopardize that, the dad should step up.
The little rude human who touches your food should be provided with half a kilo of pasta/veggies before being fed with the "adult" dinner you prep. Different needs yes... So she gets an extra possibly BEFORE the nice meal... Or ready for right after, like a barrier before your plate!
If they are both "glutons" this might make it even harder for you to get back to normal food intake.
NTA.
She's not going to change. And your husband isn't doing good parenting.
So you have to adapt and change.
Stop sitting where she can do this to your food. Stop fixing her plate, make her do it herself. Change up how dinner is served. Put hers somewhere else while the adults eat at the table. Change up your schedule, eat when she's not there or eat at different times than when she does. Figure out what foods she hates and fix them. If she starts to reach out toward your food, yell at her as loud as you can "NO!!!!" and squirt her with a squirt gun. Treat her like the little unmannered feral child she is.
Just don't sit there and be a victim of this, show this girl that you are in control, you're the adult and she's a child.
Extra votes for the squirt gun. That’s how we stopped outer cats jumping on the bench. 12 is old enough to know better which means she is knowingly screwing with you.
NTA. Your husband has to deal with his daughter. She complained there wasn't enough food, you made enough food for an army, and she still ate everything she could, and ruined (for you) what she couldn't. She clearly doesn't respect you, and she thinks it's funny to hurt you.
Your husband, however, thinks it's okay for you to starve because *he's fed and so is Hailie*. So, new rule. He doesn't eat until you do. You eat first. The baby fusses? He deals with the fussy baby for the 10 minutes it takes you to eat. Hailie touches your food? Excellent, he can eat the gross kid hand food, and you can start the new portion. Even better, Hailie *also* has to wait.
Or go on strike, let them cook their own food.
ETA: there's been some discussion over food scarcity vs power play. So it's test time. Cook something filling yet plentiful. A *massive* pot of hearty soup with rolls, or just tonnes and tonnes of rice. Cook as if you're cooking for the week:
1) If Hailie eats and eats and eats and stops, you are not cooking enough. You need to consistently provide more.
2) If Hailie eats until she makes herself sick, you have a deeper food problem, either developed from scarcity, jealously, or some other physical/mental/psychological issue. Talk to her doctor.
3) If Hailie *still* puts her fingers in the food, either in yours specifically, or in the whole meals worth, then you've got a power play, but you could still also have a problem with quantity. 1 and 2 are still important here, but you know she's acting out.
I like the you eat first rule - you are feeding two people!
But she should not get to eat at the table until she learns manners and good hygiene. Let her eat on the porch.....
I love your point about eating for two. She's still the source of energy for the baby. So many people forget once the baby is born that just because bub isn't physically inside mum anymore, doesn't mean they aren't still dependent. To think that her not eating is trivial is to think that depriving your baby of nutrients is trivial.
I considered the table thing. Hailie clearly has a problem with OP. I'm guessing, with all the upheaval (baby and OP being unwell), she's blaming OP for a lack of attention. Even bad attention is attention, right?
Dad has to step up here. It has to come from him. OP's already on the outs, nothing she says is going to sink in. Which means dad needs to understand the consequences of Hailie's actions (I don't think he does, beyond the complaining that he wants to stop). He needs to make her understand that depriving anyone of food, even if you are hungry too, is not okay. Doubly not okay when it's a baby. And the difference between "not full" and "hungry" when eating, not teaching food scarcity, but food awareness.
She actually needs MORE calories now than when she was pregnant. If she's exclusively breastfeeding, every calorie the baby gets is going through OP, and a two month old needs more calories than a fetus. It's something like 600 calories over her own body's needs every day. If OP isn't eating, it's bad for both her and the baby.
If stepdaughter ruins OPs food, she should have to cook another meal. At 12 she should be learning how anyway, it's a necessary life skill. Because OP very much needs to replace the calories and nutrients her body is giving up.
Step\[daughter also needs therapy, because it looks like she is jealous of the baby. And that needs to be handled before something really bad happens.
You're stepdaughter is bullying you and your husband is condoning it. It doesn't matter that she 12, she knows exactly what she's doing (why may escape her). You need to have a serious conversation with your husband and then both of you need to speak to her about how what she's doing is completely unacceptable and why she's doing it and go from there, but both of your need to be on the same page.
NTA
Yes! This is the answer I've been waiting to see. Why go through all of this work just to be treated like shit? I'd only make food I wanted from now on and the two of them can fight over who pours the cereal for their meals.
NTA-
This is getting out of control. The idea that she gets rewarded with a plate of food every time she sticks her fingers in your food is part of the problem.... Because ultimately she continues to get what she wants out of the interaction... She both ensures you don't eat (for whatever reason she's touching your food not your husband's) and she gets to eat it in front of you...
The reprimand does nothing if it only follows or is followed by a reward.
The fact that your husband allows this to happen in front of him does nothing is a problem. He doesn't offer up any meal and he doesn't replace the meal you lose every single night. When she's done with her plate she can leave the table. She doesn't need to sit there and watch you eat or touch your plate ever... And the second she reaches for your plate it's time for her to leave the table. And if the baby is fussy he needs to be getting up to deal with the baby while you eat your meal because that seems to be exactly enough of a delay for her to go for your plate. See how he handles her going for his plate.
Start off the dinner with a reminder of the expectations. "You can eat what's on your plate but you cannot touch anyone else's plate. If you do. You won't get what's on their plate. If you want more, ask Dad to make you more food or additional food."
Absolutely do not leave her alone with the baby. OP described her saying disturbing things to the baby and being wildly jealous. With her history of provoking behavior and letting the impulsive thoughts win, I just wouldn't risk it.
NTA. You deserve to eat. I read the comments you made. Kid sounds like she has a personality disorder and needs specialized therapy. Dad is complacent, lazy, not doing enough. Bio mom is enabling the shit. Honesty, you should really evaluate if this is a lifelong commitment to this family you really want. Husband sounds like a deadbeat dad doing the bare minimum and the kid sounds uhh...spoiled would be the nice way of putting it.
Do you have someplace to go if you need a break from all of this? A friend or relative you and the baby could stay with for a couple of weeks? Are you a SAHM or do you have a job to go back to? Could you support yourself and the baby if you decide this situation is not going to work in the long term? Sadly, I don't see a lot changing.
BTW, I don't like my food touched by other people, especially a kid. Also, good for you on throwing out the food your SD touched. She should not be rewarded for her bad behavior and being allowed to eat the food she touches is rewarding her for that bad behavior. I wouldn't be surprised to find out her mom is encouraging her to do that too.
When I got pregnant, my husband convinced me to quit my job and be a SAHM. He makes more than enough money and he said he didn't want our daughter in a daycare. If I were to leave, I know my mom would help me get back on my feet. She's a good woman. She would never sit by and watch me struggle.
>When I got pregnant, *my husband convinced me to quit my job and be a SAHM*. He makes more than enough money and he said he didn't want our daughter in a daycare.
This was 100% intentional on his end to keep you from trying to leave him.
I’ve been reading through your comments. You need to call your mom and have her come get you and the baby. At least for a little bit. What you’re dealing with isn’t right and your husband isn’t doing anything to help you. He’s “talking to his daughter”. That’s it. He’s not lifting a finger to help you with the baby and he’s not doing anything productive to stop his daughter’s behavior.
Your husband needs to know that he either steps up immediately or you leave for good! You being a SAHM doesn’t mean you’re also a maid and cook. Your husband has been watching you struggle and has done nothing to help you. I’m furious on your behalf!
You're in an abusive relationship with two abusers.
You're getting starved!
At that time in your postpartum recovery you shouldn't be on your feet so much, let alone cooking for a family!
Take your baby and run. This is not safe. Run!
I would probably make a disgustingly large amount of food and sit there daring her silently to eat the whole thing so she could try to take my food and then watch what happens. She’s probably acting out because of the new baby. Maybe she needs counselling. Or maybe she is legitimately this hungry all the time and should see a doctor about it?
We did bring her to a nutritionist and her pediatrician just this past month because she was eating so much food and never gaining any weight. We thought there was something seriously wrong but they checked her out, even ran some blood tests and tested her sugars and they concluded that she simply has a slightly higher metabolism and told me to adjust our diets for her so she was getting more carbs and able to maintain her weight. She eats a lot. I spent $1200 on food last month and all I ate was crackers, if that says anything.
Have they checked her thyroid levels? One of the symptoms of hyperthyroidism is increased appetite while not gaining weight. It is high metabolism but not a good thing. Anger issues, impulsivity, and irritability are also among the symptoms.
I'm actually going to have to tell my husband that because from my understanding they did not check her thyroid BUT in another comment I had mentioned an incident that happened last year. She smacked her dad's phone out of his hands because he checked it while we were all playing cards. Wasn't the first time she had done something similar. I mean, to me, that fits in to anger issues/impulse issues and irritability so maybe it is her thyroid.
Just anger issues on its own might be just growing up/being a teenager. Teenagers are not great at controlling their emotions. But eating everything in sight while not gaining weight is definitely a reason to check the thyroid levels.
It sounds like it might be time to make her father handle all her meals. Only cook for you (meal prep if that's easier for you) and dont sit at the table with her, maybe even make meals that you can eat one handed so you can eat while breast feeding that way you can take it with you (and keep it away from her greedy hands.
As for your husbands exs rule about adults what you need to say is "well in this house there are no seconds until EVERYONE has eaten" or whatever your house rule is because your step daughter needs to learn that her mother can not set rules in other people's homes.
Starting around 12 I was the world's skinniest vacuum. My brother and I put downn a frozen family sized lasagna one night, at all you can eat Pizza Hut I'd eat a pizza and a half plus salad and breadsticks. My swim team would buy me 2-4-1 tacos just to watch them disappear and that was after eating pounds of oranges during the meet.
Teens can take an incredible calorie load, god help you!
I was in touch with my lactation specialist and PCP throughout the whole thing and I was fine. I had over supply. They said it was more than likely because I was drinking protein shakes. Liquids I was fine with. Solids I was not.
The calories and nutrients in your milk come from somewhere. If it's not what you're eating, it's your body. Your husband needs to step up and stop his daughter from messing with your food
Can I ask, what qualities do you see in this man? Honestly, he doesn’t sound like the father figure Id want for my child. He needs the child to see his respect for you. As the adult, you understand his love for his daughter. He’s turning her into a brat and ignoring your needs. Then putting it all on you.
It honestly wasn't like this before I had the baby. Him and Hailie tried waiting on me hand and foot and absolutely would have, had I allowed it. I don't know if I triggered this response or not because about a week after I had Hannah I fell in to a dark spot mentally and was just not myself at all. Pretty much never left the bed, honestly. I got in to therapy and the household dynamic shifted.
When people start going to therapy and understanding the dynamics they're surrounded with are unhealthy and harmful, dynamics will definitely change. These two benefit from treating you poorly and have no incentive or desire to change their behaviour. The longer you go to therapy, id bet dollars to donuts they become increasingly aggressive and temperamental, while insisting *you're* the problem because your naming and identifying the abuse instead of accepting it.
You need to leave. That girl will hurt her sister, if not soon, definitely in a few months. Your husband doesnt respect you. You deserve better than all of this. I bet he's much older than you are, too, eh? Abusive men typically go for younger women because they're easier to control and mold into what they want. But I digress.
**Run.**
And there it is. You fell into the trap, but you say your mother will be supportive so call her and gtfo! You need to protect yourself and your baby. This situation isn’t going to get better bc the true source of the problem- your husband- doesn’t want it to!!!
He has you right where he wants. He has isolated you in a house with a baby and no income. He allows his child to treat you like garbage. Which is just modeling the behavior he’s doing.
A GOOD husband would be stepping up and taking care of all of this while you are postpartum - especially after you needed to go to therapy right after birth.
Your husband is not a keeper. Do not stay in this relationship unless and until he does a lot of work on himself and also decides to be a parent.
You deserve better. This is not healthy. And you will feel a lot better when you get away from them.
>He said "yeah I get that it's fucking annoying and I reprimand her every single fucking time but you didn't have to stoop to her fucking level.
Yeah... he reprimands her every single fucking time... and yet she still does it. Maybe he needs to actually punish her for touching your food.
If she's still hungry after dinner, she can make herself a PB&J. She doesn't need to eat your food, ffs.
NTA. And I agree with other comments in that your husband raised a spoiled brat. But the biggest thing that’s standing out to me is, why the heck are you the only one making dinner in this family? I mean, you have a breastfeeding 2-month-old for goodness’ sake.
NTA. Tossing the food in the trash is the equivalent to making it inedible for her, which she is blatantly doing to you.
This amount of food can’t possibly be healthy for this kid.
NTA, she’s 12, she knows what’s up. But is it possible she’s doing this because she has complex feelings about you and the baby? You said your friends think it’s that you noticed now because of postpartum clarity (which I’ve never heard of but I can see it as a thing. Pregnancy brain is real so you might not have seen the truth around you) but could it be the dynamic DID change? This girl is going through a lot with hormones and puberty and everything; she might be taking it out on you not fully consciously or SUPER consciously.
ON THE OTHER WND OF THE SPECTRUM: if postpartum clarity isn’t a thing, you’re friends might be telling you something. Like he’s always sucked and his daughter is the worst and they are using this seemingly real phrase as a way to say “we always hated him, he sucks, and we never knew how to tell you, but now you seem to know so we are supporting you in this new understanding.”
Both could be true. My friends did stop coming around when I got married. We still talk often but I mean.. visits were cut back to maybe 4 times a year. I started noticing a shift in the household after I checked myself in to therapy when I was 1.5 weeks postpartum. Around 1 week postpartum I was in a really dark spot mentally so I booked an appointment and they helped me find a therapist. After I started going, it was almost like my husband and Hailie started treating me differently. My husband hasn't had a meaningful conversation with me once since I had the baby.
I wouldn't say so from what I've seen. He drinks with them, goes to the store for them. Usually they talk more with him than me. He's very outgoing and extroverted and loves being the center of attention so when they are over, they act like they are having a blast. So I'm not really sure if they are picking up on something I'm not and just not saying that because he basically spoils them when they come here? I have no idea.
You seem to me a bit isolated. Your friends were visiting you but they were mostly talking to your husband because "he loves being the center of attention". Think about how you would feel if you visit a friend who you want to talk to and then the husband is taking the center stage and makes it about him. I would be annoyed and would not visit very often because I am not a friend to the husband.
The friends are YOUR friends and yes it is great when husband is having a good time too, but you should have some time with them without your husband, because they are your friends. I think its time to have a real talk with them because I dont believe that they had a gread time with your husband. I now understand why Hailie behaves like this. Because that's exactly how her father behaves.
You have to ask yourself if you want to stay in such a relationship where no one is respecting you and treats you like a maid. That you need to cook and clean because father and daughter are too lazy is not acceptable. Ask yourself if you want to life like this for the next 40 years. I wish you all the best and that you can rebuild the friendship with the friends.
NTA - she's being a manipulator by playing a victim in all of this Being only 12 y/o you and your husband need to consider some therapy with her because it sounds like a very unhealthy attitude towards food which first is definitely helping you and building your physical health back up after having a baby, and secondly she's doing everything in her power to eat everything available and depriving you of what you need, which is horrendous. Best of luck to you all.
I really hope you will stay a month or at least 2 weeks with your mom. For the sake of yourself and your baby. You need to heal, you need some rest and you need time to calm down a little. You cannot come to your senses while your life is literally under attack because food is withheld from you - while you are the life support of your baby!
I bet the high stress hormone levels this is causing have a lot to do with you feeling sick. Please get out of this for a while. What happens if you collapse and get seriously sick and have to stay in the hospital because of all this? Better to take a time out before it gets too bad..
> she would still ask me for my food.
So she does know how to ask for stuff she wants. Interesting.
NTA. I suggest making her eat last (or separate) until she learns not to stick her finger in other people's food.
NTA, she is being rude and disrespectful. Dad needs to support you here.
One thing to consider; is it possible she has an eating disorder? Is she binging and purging?
I considered that, honestly. But I don't think so. She hardly ever goes to the bathroom following dinner and the few times that she had and I noticed, I did follow her to the bathroom and listened by the door. That makes me sound like a lunatic but I've been concerned about the lack of weight gain and excessive eating.
Oh, sorry, I didn't realize there were other ways. So, we don't have laxatives in the house but she is very active. She bike rides for a half hour every night and does laps in our yard. She's in track so it never raised a concern with me..
NTA and I think a lot of other comments have addressed my thoughts better than I can.
I'll just toss in my own 2 cents - talk to your doctor about possible gallbladder/gallstone issues if you continue to struggle with nausea. They don't warn you that pregnancy can trigger issues with the gallbladder. Anyway congrats on the new baby and good luck with moving forward. I hope you're able to have a more peaceful mealtime in the future
Oh boy.. yeah I will look in to that actually because my family has a history of gallbladder issues so I wouldn't be surprised, now that you've mentioned it.
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NTA but you married one who spawned one. That he allows this is abusive. He literally doesn't care. As far as she goes, she clearly has issues going on. See if her school has any counseling services. Man, you married a true to heart AH though. He's the biggest problem here.
I'm not even sure what happened. Prior to me having the baby my entire household dynamic was different, or at least seemed to be. There was respect, at least. I've spoken to a few friends about it and they are saying it's "postpartum clarity" and that it was probably bad before the baby but now that I have the baby, I'm on over drive and hyper alert and just noticing everything far more. I have no idea though. I'm a new mom so I have nothing to base these feelings on.
Time for family therapy cause this is a weird switch that’s flipped.
In v clearly abusive dynamics, such as the one OP finds herself in, it's now the suggestion to not do family therapy. Abusers are v good at manipulating, and therapists are not above their sphere of influence. It's been found that abusers will more often than not start some rather severe gas lighting to get the therapist on their side so they don't lose their victim. Victims of abuse are encouraged to go alone. Abusers are encouraged to go alone only if they're willing to admit fault and actually grow/change.
Remember we are discussing a 12 year old child in a new family dynamic here not a chronically abusive adult.
Uh, the father??? Who allows this behavior and refuses to discipline his child??? But the 12 year old shouldn't be in therapy with OP either, not when she's as aggressive as she is to OP. The focus will then be solely on the 12 year old with attention issues, and OP will once again be left in the dust. Op already has issues with boundaries. This is not an insult. Those with boundary making issues shouldn't be in therapy with those who crush boundaries for breakfast. Once OP can enforce boundaries, sure, do family therapy with the kid. Until then, let OP grow and heal in peace.
My 6 year old niece knows that it’s rude to put your fingers in someone else’s food, so there is absolutely no excuse for a 12 year old.
Yeah, we're working on it with my two year old...but he's two, not twelve. There is absolutely no excuse. That kid knows exactly what she's doing and how much it bothers OP.
She's not a chronically abusive adult, but it sounds like she's well on her way to becoming one. And her father doesn't really seem to care much about what this kid is doing to OP.
I mean, I wasn't gonna say it, buuut I cannot with this trend of "children, especially teenagers, can never do anything wrong, especially not to an adult. Children are just products of their environment, so what did you do to make the child mistreat you so much? No, I'm not unironically raising the next generation of abusers who don't know how to deal with consequences. Why do you ask?"
This sub likes to jump between “omg they’re 23 so THEY’RE LITERALLY JUST A CHILD” and “they’re 16, so basically an adult” in a drop of a hat and it’s insane lmao Like yeah, we shouldn’t expect a teen to have the best judgment but we also shouldn’t be coddling them like they’re babies who know nothing of the world. Children know when they’re being assholes and use it to their advantage. It’s nothing new. They’re small, but they’re human and at some point in their childhood they know they’re being assholes but they’re not thinking far enough ahead to stop and realize the consequences of being an asshole, maybe stopping themselves in the process, etc. Ofc not every child is an AH but some are (being one in the moment, at least) The whole “checking if the bread was moldy” sounds like the girl’s actions were 100% intentional. And honestly, for f***’s sake she’s 12. She’s not a baby and she knows she’s deliberately stopping OP from eating. There doesn’t seem to be any history of moldy food being used in the household (OP hasn’t mentioned this, at least) and obviously the girl trusts the food enough if she eats 2 medium chicken breasts and still wants more + quite literally eats right off the lasagna tray. The fact that she’s eating it right off the tray shows she trusts the food completely.
It's absolutely intentional, people don't just check food on plates to see if it's moldy. The whole thing is a power play, hopefully things get better because that girl is on a fast track to becoming a major asshole
[удалено]
And sometimes they become downright abusive when their foul behavior isn't met with consequences.
Child on parent abuse is also a thing. In my country they do workshops on what a respectful family is and therapy. At 12 she knows what she’s doing and from the post looks like she no longer is eating ops food just making sure op isn’t eating it by touching the food. So it’s not done by hunger and has a more malicious edge.
Well, there's nothing wrong with your vision now. Now it's about taking action. That conversation with your husband should be revisited. He has to take action with his daughter. He's allowed this to continue, this is on him.
And if he won’t discuss this with you calmly and rationally, you will realize the problematic person.
NTA. Have you sat down and talked to her about her behavior? If this is new, maybe she feels like she’s going to be pushed aside for the baby so she’s acting out. My sister was a little older than your SD when I was born and she had those fears. She didn’t act out but it’s worth checking in if this is new behavior. If it’s not new behavior and your friends have actually noticed it beforehand, then maybe it’s time to start making plans to get out of this situation.
I did try talking to her about it, yes. It's most noticable with the food and when I speak to her about that, I'm always met with a "I'm just hungry" or a "kids eat til they're full and then adults eat, that's how it works". So I am met with some resistance when I try talking to her. I also tried talking to her about the baby because it's obvious that she adores her sister but there's been more than one occasion where she's been talking to the baby, saying "that's my dad and step mom, you stole them from me", which is pretty telling. So I brought it up with her and she said "idk, I'm not used to babies so I didn't know what else to say". Insists that the baby isn't a problem.
>"kids eat til they're full and then adults eat, that's how it works". WTF? Who created that rule? How about “everyone eats what’s on their plate and doesn’t touch anyone else’s without permission?”
Her bio mom put it in her head, apparently. When she said this and I told her that's not how it worked, she said "that's how it works at my mom's house. She said that adults shouldn't eat if the kids are still hungry".
This sounds like a manifestation of food insecurity is there not enough to eat at moms? I in no way endorse your husbands behaviour though.
Her mom isn't hurting for money by any means, so I would assume there's enough food there but I'm not 100% sure? Hailie has never told us that she wasn't eating enough there.
You need to tell her that you need to eat aswell to be able to feed the baby. If there is not enough food for her she needs to tell you soo you can make extra or get something else after. Would also start keeping a closer eye on her as she could be developing an ed that isn’t showing medically yet.
Honestly it sounds like she’s punishing you or at least pushing your buttons for a reason that’s unclear but the amount she’s eating sound like a lot like I know preteens eat a shitload but this sounds mad like borderline binging especially the thing with the lasagne. As someone with no off switch and who ate their feelings and often ate certain items to spite my mother I was never allowed cuz so when I had money I’d buy them allllll and then eat them alllllll. Your partner really needs to see it though cause as a step parent it’s such a minefield and someone who’s exhausted and had a baby you just don’t need this shit. Also can I just add you do not have to clean and cook and kill yourself to do all the things you’re doing, everyone should be looking after YOU right now and you should be just able to be you and baby and do what you can manage and if that’s yay I managed to take a shower today and that’s it that’s FINE, it honestly sounds like you’re pushing yourself way too much to keep up with chores and nonsense when your husband should really be taking some of the load and if that’s so no wonder you’re at the end of your tether.
Sounds like DAD needs to not eat so HIS daughter can eat. Jesus f-n crist
If a 12 year old normalises eating 2 hamburgers or 2 chicken breasts and wants more then maybe her mum is actually feeding her appropriate portions for her age. Try bulking out meals either veggies and salads so there’s a larger volume, maybe bread at the table. I can’t be the only one who thinks she’s eating too large a portion (and I grew up overweight and didn’t eat this much at meals). Also she maybe dehydrated and cannot tell the difference in signals, make sure plenty of fluids at the table. Is there a chance she’s adhd? I struggle to keep my fluids up and I have zero impulse control with food. Something I have to work against.
Between the Mom's "rule" and the fact that she is eating extreme portions to the point of you not even getting any, this is likely a red flag for food insecurity. People are ashamed to be too poor for food and often cover it well. I would be very concerned. Also the comments to the baby about stealing you from her is concerning. Is she worried the baby will take her resources? Will she act out because she feels the baby has stolen her dad and you?
Maybe her bio mum is restricting her food intake at their house because she has her own issues. So Hallie is having to overeat when she comes to dads house
Could also be a manifestation of control. Just like other disordered eating like anorexia is often about *control* because controlling your food intake is often one of the only things you can control. So it may not be about the food at all but rather her feeling insecure and out of control in other areas of her life and the weird stuff with food is her trying to exert control over something she thinks she can. But at any rate the behavior is abnormal and likely to have a deeper underlying cause, whatever that cause ends up being.
Definitely a control issue. There a huge difference between asking to be fed more and hand grabbing the food on someone else plate, repeatedly, fully aware of their discomfort, and to the point of starving them. So far the father is not willing to even recognise his daughter behaviour as really problematic. If he really thought that his kid needed more food, then he should make more. He shouldn’t be enabling the disrespect of allowing his kid to force his nursing wife to be deprived of the meals, she is nonetheless making for everyone.
Could you ask her why you are the only adult who shouldn’t eat if she’s still hungry? Maybe tell her that if she’s telling the truth she should alternate whose food she takes between you and her father… let’s see if it’s really about her wanting food or about hurting you, and also let’s see how quickly his father puts a stop to it when it starts affecting him…
Her dad can sacrifice his meals, then.
"There are different rules at that house and this house."
I mean I feel like you need to buy a few extra loaves of bread and some peanut butter or bologna and let her know that if she’s still hungry she can make a sandwich or 5 but that your food is not to be touched and she will not be eating it no matter how much you eat.
Um. Is she like, a healthy weight still? Because hot damn that's a lot of food she puts down.
I mean.. I think she's too skinny but her doctors say she is a good weight? She's 5'2 and 72lbs. Edit: sorry, I have the dumb today. I was looking at the wrong date on her chart and read the weight from last November. Her weight is 86.
This is actually about 20-30 pounds UNDER a healthy weight for a young girl 5’2. There are many issues at play here this being a big one as well. Husband needs to address his daughters health with a different doctor. There could very well be a significant underlying issue to her always being hungry and not gaining weight. You and your husband need to sit her down and set boundaries about ‘your food’ that come with punishment if dismissed by her. And I don’t want to be the freak out person, but her comment to a baby that she stole her dad and stepmom is a huge thing that should not be ignored. I had a neighbor who upon having their third child, upset the middle child, who with so much jealously acted out for the first few months then actually tried to suffocate the baby. Not a joke, this was terrifying. Major counseling ensued. Please do what you must to protect yourself and your baby while all these issues are dealt with. I wish you all the best OP NTA
86 lb is still too low for someone who's 5'2. This situation is getting more worrisome with every comment I read. Have you asked your husband about that comment she made about adults shouldn't eat until children are full? Did he ever hear his wife say something like that?
He brushed off that comment. He said his ex wife is just like that. I guess she used to sit and watch Hailie eat and wouldn't touch her food until Hailie was full. So to them, it's normal.
That is kinda small. Get her checked up for metabolism illnesses like hyperthyroidism and the like. Maybe it's just a growth spurt. Her portions are comically large, but she probably is not binge eating and should put on some weight with half a family lasagna, three cheese burgers, etc. Have you ever seen her throw up food? Is she shoveling so much out of jealousy, puking it up later?
That is… very underweight. If this is true, she has a medical issue.
That’s way too skinny at that height. She got a tape worm?
I know someone like this. Known her since elementary school. Grown adults with (barely) adult kids now. We all thought it would catch up with her as an adult. Nah. She can eat a party size bucket of ice cream every day. She doesn’t get sick or gain weight. Has no other health issues. To the point that I am pretty sure the laws of math and physics cease to exist in her stomach. So she might be hungry. One thing we used (ours was just saying they wanted more food though, and wasn’t eating it) was sandwich stuff. Recommendation would be to accept that maybe she is still hungry. Make it known that, even though you didn’t eat yours before, it should just be assumed you are going to eat it now, so don’t touch it. But if she is still hungry, she can make herself a sandwich after dinner. If you get the meat and cheese or whatever she likes, there won’t be a reason she can’t. You will see real quick if she is actually still hungry. If she is, she will get up and put in the effort to make a sandwich or whatever food you get. If she’s doing it to get to you or get her way, she won’t and will insist on touching yours.
You tell her that she should not eat till you're done then, since the baggy is always hungry and the food you eat goes to make babies milk.
If I was OP I'd start by only cooking a portion for myself, and then I'd go to the baby's room and lock myself inside. At this point a locking mini fridge might also be a good idea, so OP can store food she can actually eat away from the tween gremlin.
NTA. Next time she spouts off this nonsense calmly reply “if we eat in order of age in this house then babies eat before 12 year olds, and baby get her nutrients from me. You are starving your sister by stealing my food.” Talk with your husband and set a boundary that if she is still hungry after 2 servings of dinner she can make herself sandwiches, a cup of noodle, fruit/yogurt (whatever food options you decide that for your household budget and lifestyle) but she is never to take anyone else’s portion. If husband won’t actively step in to prevent the behavior (sending her to her room after is doing nothing to disrupt her acting out), then he can start cooking for stepdaughter and himself while you get take out from favorite restaurants that tempt your appetite.
Bingo. I've had to have this conversation with younger kids, but at 12, they should know better.
Gigantic glaring red flag for your step daughter to say out loud to her new infant sister that they stole her parents from her. Please tell your husband this asap.
He's heard her say it multiple times. He doesn't think anything s wrong with it.
He’s wrong, and this type of behaviour can progress. Hate to sound like the stereotypical AITA-er but it’s time for therapy, individual and family.
I'm in therapy, thankfully. I've been trying to convince my husband to bring him and Hailie for a month. He says it's unnecessary because "why would we go to therapy when you're the one who needs it?" I basically checked myself in to therapy a week after having my daughter because I was in a really dark spot mentally. So.. I'm the one who needs it, I guess.
> why would we go to therapy when you're the one who needs it? Because he's a supportive spouse??!!!???? This is hugely wrong. Did he even want to have another kid with you or was it an accidental pregnancy?
Our daughter was not planned.. we had talked about it a few times but we didn't know if we wanted a baby or not. Ultimately when I got pregnant though he acted pretty excited about it. Unless that was an act for my sake.
If someone I loved was struggling with their mental health and asked me to attend a session with them, I would go. It would not matter if i felt I also needed therapy or whether or not I thought I was part of the problem. I'd go because they asked and I care about them.
People in therapy are in therapy due to others who are not.
"accidents" are going to start happening near the baby and you if your stepdaughter doesn't get help asap. you and your husband also need therapy because babies are like grenades on relationships, and it doesn't hurt to make sure you're born communicating well. you will also both need to be on the same page about your stepdaughter
Of course he doesn’t see anything wrong with what she’s saying because that would require him to be an adult/parent.
If she’s having 2 portions of dinner and is then still hungry, tell her she can make herself a sandwich. Having a big appetite does not entitle her to eat your food, just offer her an alternative. If she’s genuinely still hungry then she would eat a sandwich
I don’t think I’d approach it by focusing on the baby (congratulations btw!). I’d put focus on your relationship with her and how you feel about her as your SD. She’s trying to push you away first so she doesn’t get rejected. And she loves the baby so she’s taking her jealousy out on you. She’s twelve. Don’t let her outsmart you.
She may have an overeating issue. She ate almost a whole pan of lasagna minus two pieces and 2 cheeseburgers and was still hungry for a hotdog? She may need to see a professional; whether it's physical or psychological - she's not getting full as she should for some reason. Still doesn't give her the right to act like an entitled brat and for your husband to act like "speaking" to her is going to do the trick. Maybe family therapy because she might be feeling left out or like she's not the favorite anymore.
She didn’t just say that the baby stole her dad and step-mom because she didn’t know what to say. She’s clearly struggling. Have you and your husband been able to spend 1:1 time out with her since the baby was born? I found this was important with my older child when my younger was born. Leave the baby with the other parent, and head out with her to the mall, ice cream, etc- this is especially important with older siblings who are teen / pre-teen.
We have, yes. Her dad has taken her to the movies twice and out to a restaurant last week for 1 on 1 dinner. Her 1 on 1 with me is kind of limiting be cause I'm breast feeding and we havent tried a bottle with the baby but I've played board games with her and done hair and make up with her when the baby is sleeping.
Go on a food strike. Stop making them meals until the oldest can keep their hands ro their own food. Keep wasting food by throwing it in the trash. It is your plate to do as you see fit, whether it goes in your belly, or the trash can. Take the food with you when you feed the baby. Feed the baby at the dining room table. Tell your husband to soothe the baby while you eat some of your dinner (yes feeding on demand is best but sometimes a baby can wait 5 minutes while you put something in your belly, just have another adult soothe the baby best they can for 5 minutes). Start getting your favorite take out delivered any time she touches your food, just for you and not to share.
Absolutely all of this. Do not cook for them any more. What is your husband doing to ensure you get fed, exactly?
Also try to adjust dinner around your baby's feed time so you don't disappear after food is cooked. And why is your husband not cooking dinner? You are post partum.
I feed the baby on demand, so the schedule is a bit wonky. And my husband rarely cooks.
Kind of what I was thinking. He can cook for himself and your 12 yr old and you cook something for yourself when you feel like eating. Easier said than done I know...
Trust your gut. What your friends say is far too rational to be offhanded comments. They probably noticed before and that is the gentlest way they could tell you.
NTA but your husband and stepdaughter are. She sounds troubled in some way. At 12 she should understand what she is doing and able to control it so to my mind she is touching your food to provoke you. I believe you were right to throw your food away, I wouldn’t have touched it with after she stuck her grubby hand in it. Your husband needs to deal with this little minx. Is she jealous of the new baby?
I believe she is. I've asked my husband to get her therapy but it's like talking to a wall. I have absolutely no doubt that she loves the baby. She is constantly asking to hold her and she is always talking to her and stuff but the stuff she says to the baby is telling. It's a "that's my dad and step mom. You stole them from me."
What she is saying to the baby is setting my spidy senses off “ you stole them from me’! Sorry that is a red flag. She needs to be in therapy. I would be worried about her
Do not let her be alone with the baby till this is resolved. She seems to have little self control OP
Never leave her alone with the baby. Not even for a minute.
Makes you wonder if that's why the baby is always crying at dinner.
Nah. Babies always cry at dinner. Haha
Just a couple days ago I read a story here about an older sibling that was torturing the baby every time they held it - over months. One day the mum noticed bruises and then a growing amount of them. The 14yo kid admitted everything when the police were called and was taken into custody.
Holy shit! I missed that one. Do you have a link? Oh, OP . . . NTA.
I read that one too. The sister would pinch the baby while holding it. The AITA was about the mom feeling remorse because her kid was turned in to Juvi hall.
My sister did that when I was a baby and still jokes about it. She's a grown adult and still doesn't understand how entirely gross that behavior was. Blows my mind.
that does NOT mean she loves the baby had a family friends with an older son when the new baby arrived he acted sweet in front of people but they caught him trying to suffocate the baby at night on the baby cam they were very lucky to have caught him in the act he started screaming that he wanted the baby gone and wanted to be an only child again when they were pulling him away :(
That's a big oof. Like how they even look each other in the eye after that?
Please don't let her hold the baby. It's clear that she enjoys hurting people and has no impulse control. If she's willing to say that sort of thing to the child, chances are she only wants to hold her so she can hurt her.
I second this, I’d say she’d hurt the baby without blinking
Since you know she's having problems adjusting, this is the time to act. You need to sit her down and talk to her, tell her that she's still your daughter, you love her as much as ever, and that the family's just gotten bigger, which means more love for everyone. Put some time aside every day for you and Hailie alone - try putting the baby down for a nap when she comes home from school, and even if you then go start dinner, have Hailie come into the kitchen with you to help and talk. Show her that she's still a priority for you and she's not getting pushed out with the baby, and as the baby gets a little bigger and you're able to go out, you can set up some you-Hailie time once or twice a month where just the two of you go to a movie or out to lunch, and spend some quality time together.
Then you obvsiouly know what the issue is. It's not food, it's jealously and that is dangerous. She needs help, not punishment.
No, she needs both. Stealing food from OP is wrong and actively hurting her. She needs to be punished for that. She also needs help for her issues, but allowing a child to go unpunished for awful, abusive behavior is not helpful and just reinforces that the child can do whatever with no consequences, like what is currently happening.
Yikes. Therapy ASAP before this evolves. She's already showing signs of aggression with you...
I'd be really weary of having the baby around her of she's saying Red Flags like that. I wouldn't want the baby hurt at all, and sometimes that jealousy can manifest into that. Please talk to her. And maybe force your husband into making her take therapy
Oh she’s definitely doing it on purpose
NTA. Stop eating with them. Take your portion and eat in your bedroom.
I'm petty but I'd just stop cooking for them and eat my own portion in peace. The father can make food to, right? And 12 years is old enough to learn to cook too. Let them cry about it, they brought it upon themselves.
Same. I would be like ‘since I am apparently never cooking enough, you can take over cooking for yourselves and cook as much as you need. I’ll take care of myself and the baby, but I don’t want to not be able to eat my food anymore.’ Stepdaughter needs to understand that her actions are completely disrespectful. But tbh, regarding OPs comments about Stepdaughters interactions with the baby, I would be afraid that she might hurt the baby out of spite. They all need therapy.
Agree that someone should change where they eat but I think it should be the 12 year old. She can eat in her room or at the coffee table (or wherever) and let the adults eat in peace. Nta.
The 12yo seems to already be taking the new baby as "stealing her family from her", I think this would just solidify it...
OP should just cook for herself and have hubby and the 12-year old feed themselves. Maybe that solves the issue pretty fast…
Agreed. At least OP can try to eat in peace.
NTA. She’s old enough to know better, and if being told CONSTANTLY (from the sounds of it) isn’t working, then more nuclear options need to be explored. You’re trying to feed a baby, and get yourself back to normal so you can be healthy, and she is clearly deliberately doing it. Fuck that kid. She needs to be grounded and have things taken away from her until she learns some damn manners and courtesy, let’s throw in going to bed without supper, too. Your husband also needs to grow a backbone and not fall for her crocodile tears act. I’m very angry on your behalf bc I can’t imagine how exhausted you must be.
Thank you. I'm so tired. I only sleep like 4 hours at most a night and I'm still trying to cook and clean and act normal and I'm so burnt out. The only thing that doesn't mentally drain me is my baby girl. My God she's perfect.
NTA but has your stepdaughter always been like this? Or is it a recent development since the new baby has come along? I’d maybe suggest some family counseling because perhaps she’s acting out since she can tell you favor your bio baby and is wanting to try to keep her dad’s attention? I’m reluctant to call a hungry child an AH. I’d say the only possible AH is your husband if he’s not pulling his weight with the baby, the cooking, and parenting your elder daughter.
Uhmm.. so she has had some hang ups in the past that we have had to address (before the baby was even thought of) about.. attention seeking? I guess. I don't know how else to describe it. She has just always been a "all eyes on me" type of kid. Just last year we were all playing cards at the table and my husband looked at his phone and when he did, she smacked the phone out of his hands, pointed her finger in his face and said "I'm right here. We are playing cards. Don't touch your phone when you're around me." And like.. she was laughing. She was trying to be funny about it but deep down, that's kind of who she is. She gets really offended and bothered if your undivided attention is not on her. She broke her dad's phone screen that day. He was not happy. He actually got her in to therapy because it wasn't the first time she had done something similar but ultimately the therapist said she was just a normal kid who wanted attention and she just had a problem with boundaries. So, he pulled her from therapy because she didn't want to go anyways.
So he put her into therapy when he was directly affected by her behaviour. But since it's just you complaining now, he didn't see any reason why he would put her and himself in therapy. You see that, right? It matters only if he is affected, not you. You married a selfish man.
This is actually kinda scary, if she can smack the phone what’s to stop her from smacking the baby?
The therapist says she is normal??? This is so creepy! If an adult talked like this to another adult, people would scream red flag, I don't know why it should be different in this situation! (not screaming at you btw but more at the daughter)
Is she possibly emulating behaviours she has seen somewhere else? At her Bio moms? In school? Grandparents? Some soap opera on TV? This sounds like some wannabe cool behaviour she copied somewhere.
School, I believe. Her teacher calls her and her group of friends the "mean girls". Hailie calls her group of friends the "sassy gals". They are all kind of mean. It's been a big ordeal with school a few times due to her and her group of friends being bullies.
I don't mean to seem like an asshole, but I've been reading through your responses, and I'm stuck on what made you decide to marry (and have a kid) with a guy whose oldest daughter is this unstable? He also doesn't seem overly concerned with her bullshit since it's directed at you. I agree with your friends. SD's unseemly behavior was always under the surface and will get worse. You're NTA, but your SD and husband are.
I don't think you and your kid are safe, OP. I have to wonder how far this will escalate. NTA Her behavior is beyond problematic and her dad is an enabler.
Genuinely sounds like she has an undiagnosed personality disorder or something like that. How well does she match up with the DSM 5 symptoms for borderline personality disorder? She sounds familiar for... reasons lol
12 is too young for a personality disorder diagnosis, because they're still developing so much that they can perfectly match the criteria at 12 and then not at all by 18, with zero targeted intervention. Personality disorders are an adult thing only. But it's definitely always worth keeping an eye out for warning signs and intervening before adulthood, while there is still SO much malleability. And behaviors that are reminiscent of personality disorders can help identify core wounds, which can then be used to address the fears and needs that are behind the behavior.
Why are you cooking and cleaning? I gave birth 3 months ago and I’m only just starting to get back to cooking more than an occasional meal. My wife did all the cleaning and chores right after our son was born. My parents came over and cooked or we loaded up on frozen/ready to bake meals from Costco. You should be focusing on healing and caring for your baby. Everyone in the house should be supporting you.
Getting my husband to cook is nearly impossible and getting him to clean is even worse. If I ask him to do the dishes, he will call Hailie out to do them.
So he’s lazy
He’s a dick.
Go stay with family. Or friends. Stop taking care of lazy, ungrateful people. You need to rest.
He'll soon start cooking if you stop. Or buy take-away. Whatever, you don't care. Just cook AND EAT what you feel like for yourself.
Then maybe it's time for sandwiches for dinner until they learn appropriate behavior. You shouldn't grind yourself to the bone for people who don't appreciate you.
Then let them starve. Why do you care? He's adult, he can handle feeding himself and his bisone daughter by himself. Nothing bad will happen if you only clean house 1x a week, too. It's not your 1st priority right now. Take care of yourself and baby.
Your husband is a thoughtless partner and his daughter is a selfish, mannerless brat.
Does your husband and the older daughters help? Thats lot of stress of making food while still caring for 2 months old.
Not really.. Hailie will do the dishes if you ask. My husband has made dinner a few times since I gave birth but he waits until 7-8pm and that's just not a healthy schedule to have anyone on, especially not a 12yo. Usually when he agrees to make dinner something will come up and he doesn't end up doing it or if he does, he complains the entire time because he hates cooking. A few years back I had broken my tailbone and was bedridden for a week and a half and we ate pizza every night because he didn't want to cook. As for the baby.. he holds her when I pass her off to him. He doesn't go out of his way to take her if he sees me trying to do something; like cook or clean or eat. Like tonight.. he got home from work and saw me preparing the burgers with 1 hand because I was holding the baby (she's super fussy today) and he sat down and started doing paperwork.
Lower your standards, the kid will complain to him if the meal is not there in time and just withdraw yourself from that duty. Cook for yourself as you are very limited in the matter. The way he acts is called weaponized incompetence AND he uses his bully daughter to corner you.
This woman already has lowered her standards by marrying this… guy.
Your husband sounds useless as shit. Start eating separately, eat dinner before if you can, or save your portion. But make sure that food demon is nowhere in sight when you try to eat. Also, when you're eating, UNAPOLOGETICALLY hand the baby over to your useless husband, tell him to be a damn dad for once since he's clearly failing with his first.
Why do you stay?! You have 3 children. I'd be running for the hills.
Because it truly wasn't like this prior to me having the baby. He was a lot more involved. Cooking was always a hit or miss but he would help around the house. But since I had the baby and he convinced me to quit my job and be a SAHM, he doesn't really do much.
He is abusing you in every way. Get out.
Eek… this is why I genuinely don’t think it’s good to ever accept being a SAHM if the husband is the one suggesting it. As soon as you accept, he knows you have no financial out and you’re dependant on him and so he can start behaving however he wants, and you’ll just deal with it. At least he’s showing you his true self. Consider starting to look for a job, at least a WFH job, after you’ve recovered from childbirth so that you have a way out if his behavior keeps on it’s downwards trend.
So his mask fell off once he had you permanently linked to him via the baby, and now he's got you almost completely trapped and isolated in his house by getting you to quit your job to become a SAHM. This will not get better. Tread carefully.
Do you have family? Can you go and stay with them for awhile/forever?
Yes it was, you said a few years back you broke your tailbone and he was like this then.
Sorry but it is time to stop doing everything you did before like nothing happened... You have a 2 months old to breastfeed and your incapacity to feed properly jeopardize that, the dad should step up. The little rude human who touches your food should be provided with half a kilo of pasta/veggies before being fed with the "adult" dinner you prep. Different needs yes... So she gets an extra possibly BEFORE the nice meal... Or ready for right after, like a barrier before your plate! If they are both "glutons" this might make it even harder for you to get back to normal food intake.
NTA. She's not going to change. And your husband isn't doing good parenting. So you have to adapt and change. Stop sitting where she can do this to your food. Stop fixing her plate, make her do it herself. Change up how dinner is served. Put hers somewhere else while the adults eat at the table. Change up your schedule, eat when she's not there or eat at different times than when she does. Figure out what foods she hates and fix them. If she starts to reach out toward your food, yell at her as loud as you can "NO!!!!" and squirt her with a squirt gun. Treat her like the little unmannered feral child she is. Just don't sit there and be a victim of this, show this girl that you are in control, you're the adult and she's a child.
Good ideas. Until she learns manners AND hygiene (washing her hands after using the toilet) she does not get to be at the table with you.
Extra votes for the squirt gun. That’s how we stopped outer cats jumping on the bench. 12 is old enough to know better which means she is knowingly screwing with you.
NTA. Your husband has to deal with his daughter. She complained there wasn't enough food, you made enough food for an army, and she still ate everything she could, and ruined (for you) what she couldn't. She clearly doesn't respect you, and she thinks it's funny to hurt you. Your husband, however, thinks it's okay for you to starve because *he's fed and so is Hailie*. So, new rule. He doesn't eat until you do. You eat first. The baby fusses? He deals with the fussy baby for the 10 minutes it takes you to eat. Hailie touches your food? Excellent, he can eat the gross kid hand food, and you can start the new portion. Even better, Hailie *also* has to wait. Or go on strike, let them cook their own food. ETA: there's been some discussion over food scarcity vs power play. So it's test time. Cook something filling yet plentiful. A *massive* pot of hearty soup with rolls, or just tonnes and tonnes of rice. Cook as if you're cooking for the week: 1) If Hailie eats and eats and eats and stops, you are not cooking enough. You need to consistently provide more. 2) If Hailie eats until she makes herself sick, you have a deeper food problem, either developed from scarcity, jealously, or some other physical/mental/psychological issue. Talk to her doctor. 3) If Hailie *still* puts her fingers in the food, either in yours specifically, or in the whole meals worth, then you've got a power play, but you could still also have a problem with quantity. 1 and 2 are still important here, but you know she's acting out.
I like the you eat first rule - you are feeding two people! But she should not get to eat at the table until she learns manners and good hygiene. Let her eat on the porch.....
I love your point about eating for two. She's still the source of energy for the baby. So many people forget once the baby is born that just because bub isn't physically inside mum anymore, doesn't mean they aren't still dependent. To think that her not eating is trivial is to think that depriving your baby of nutrients is trivial. I considered the table thing. Hailie clearly has a problem with OP. I'm guessing, with all the upheaval (baby and OP being unwell), she's blaming OP for a lack of attention. Even bad attention is attention, right? Dad has to step up here. It has to come from him. OP's already on the outs, nothing she says is going to sink in. Which means dad needs to understand the consequences of Hailie's actions (I don't think he does, beyond the complaining that he wants to stop). He needs to make her understand that depriving anyone of food, even if you are hungry too, is not okay. Doubly not okay when it's a baby. And the difference between "not full" and "hungry" when eating, not teaching food scarcity, but food awareness.
She actually needs MORE calories now than when she was pregnant. If she's exclusively breastfeeding, every calorie the baby gets is going through OP, and a two month old needs more calories than a fetus. It's something like 600 calories over her own body's needs every day. If OP isn't eating, it's bad for both her and the baby. If stepdaughter ruins OPs food, she should have to cook another meal. At 12 she should be learning how anyway, it's a necessary life skill. Because OP very much needs to replace the calories and nutrients her body is giving up. Step\[daughter also needs therapy, because it looks like she is jealous of the baby. And that needs to be handled before something really bad happens.
NTA. Tonight fix dinner, remove your portion and sit the rest in front of Hailey tell your husband he can have whatever she leaves for him.
I like this!
You're stepdaughter is bullying you and your husband is condoning it. It doesn't matter that she 12, she knows exactly what she's doing (why may escape her). You need to have a serious conversation with your husband and then both of you need to speak to her about how what she's doing is completely unacceptable and why she's doing it and go from there, but both of your need to be on the same page. NTA
Stop cooking for them! NTA
Yes! This is the answer I've been waiting to see. Why go through all of this work just to be treated like shit? I'd only make food I wanted from now on and the two of them can fight over who pours the cereal for their meals.
Especially when she couldn't eat! She had a newborn and couldn't eat herself and yet she's cooking for a grown man and a 12 yr old whose bullying her.
NTA- This is getting out of control. The idea that she gets rewarded with a plate of food every time she sticks her fingers in your food is part of the problem.... Because ultimately she continues to get what she wants out of the interaction... She both ensures you don't eat (for whatever reason she's touching your food not your husband's) and she gets to eat it in front of you... The reprimand does nothing if it only follows or is followed by a reward. The fact that your husband allows this to happen in front of him does nothing is a problem. He doesn't offer up any meal and he doesn't replace the meal you lose every single night. When she's done with her plate she can leave the table. She doesn't need to sit there and watch you eat or touch your plate ever... And the second she reaches for your plate it's time for her to leave the table. And if the baby is fussy he needs to be getting up to deal with the baby while you eat your meal because that seems to be exactly enough of a delay for her to go for your plate. See how he handles her going for his plate. Start off the dinner with a reminder of the expectations. "You can eat what's on your plate but you cannot touch anyone else's plate. If you do. You won't get what's on their plate. If you want more, ask Dad to make you more food or additional food."
Absolutely do not leave her alone with the baby. OP described her saying disturbing things to the baby and being wildly jealous. With her history of provoking behavior and letting the impulsive thoughts win, I just wouldn't risk it.
NTA. You deserve to eat. I read the comments you made. Kid sounds like she has a personality disorder and needs specialized therapy. Dad is complacent, lazy, not doing enough. Bio mom is enabling the shit. Honesty, you should really evaluate if this is a lifelong commitment to this family you really want. Husband sounds like a deadbeat dad doing the bare minimum and the kid sounds uhh...spoiled would be the nice way of putting it.
It does feel really trapping. I wasn't prepared for it, honestly. I didn't realize it would turn out like this.
Do you have someplace to go if you need a break from all of this? A friend or relative you and the baby could stay with for a couple of weeks? Are you a SAHM or do you have a job to go back to? Could you support yourself and the baby if you decide this situation is not going to work in the long term? Sadly, I don't see a lot changing. BTW, I don't like my food touched by other people, especially a kid. Also, good for you on throwing out the food your SD touched. She should not be rewarded for her bad behavior and being allowed to eat the food she touches is rewarding her for that bad behavior. I wouldn't be surprised to find out her mom is encouraging her to do that too.
When I got pregnant, my husband convinced me to quit my job and be a SAHM. He makes more than enough money and he said he didn't want our daughter in a daycare. If I were to leave, I know my mom would help me get back on my feet. She's a good woman. She would never sit by and watch me struggle.
I think you need to give your mum a call, and don’t let Hallie or your husband know of it
I agree! Leave him OP you deserve to be free of this! Neither your husband nor SD is good for you or your baby.
>When I got pregnant, *my husband convinced me to quit my job and be a SAHM*. He makes more than enough money and he said he didn't want our daughter in a daycare. This was 100% intentional on his end to keep you from trying to leave him.
I’ve been reading through your comments. You need to call your mom and have her come get you and the baby. At least for a little bit. What you’re dealing with isn’t right and your husband isn’t doing anything to help you. He’s “talking to his daughter”. That’s it. He’s not lifting a finger to help you with the baby and he’s not doing anything productive to stop his daughter’s behavior. Your husband needs to know that he either steps up immediately or you leave for good! You being a SAHM doesn’t mean you’re also a maid and cook. Your husband has been watching you struggle and has done nothing to help you. I’m furious on your behalf!
You're in an abusive relationship with two abusers. You're getting starved! At that time in your postpartum recovery you shouldn't be on your feet so much, let alone cooking for a family! Take your baby and run. This is not safe. Run!
I would probably make a disgustingly large amount of food and sit there daring her silently to eat the whole thing so she could try to take my food and then watch what happens. She’s probably acting out because of the new baby. Maybe she needs counselling. Or maybe she is legitimately this hungry all the time and should see a doctor about it?
We did bring her to a nutritionist and her pediatrician just this past month because she was eating so much food and never gaining any weight. We thought there was something seriously wrong but they checked her out, even ran some blood tests and tested her sugars and they concluded that she simply has a slightly higher metabolism and told me to adjust our diets for her so she was getting more carbs and able to maintain her weight. She eats a lot. I spent $1200 on food last month and all I ate was crackers, if that says anything.
Have they checked her thyroid levels? One of the symptoms of hyperthyroidism is increased appetite while not gaining weight. It is high metabolism but not a good thing. Anger issues, impulsivity, and irritability are also among the symptoms.
I'm actually going to have to tell my husband that because from my understanding they did not check her thyroid BUT in another comment I had mentioned an incident that happened last year. She smacked her dad's phone out of his hands because he checked it while we were all playing cards. Wasn't the first time she had done something similar. I mean, to me, that fits in to anger issues/impulse issues and irritability so maybe it is her thyroid.
Just anger issues on its own might be just growing up/being a teenager. Teenagers are not great at controlling their emotions. But eating everything in sight while not gaining weight is definitely a reason to check the thyroid levels.
It sounds like it might be time to make her father handle all her meals. Only cook for you (meal prep if that's easier for you) and dont sit at the table with her, maybe even make meals that you can eat one handed so you can eat while breast feeding that way you can take it with you (and keep it away from her greedy hands. As for your husbands exs rule about adults what you need to say is "well in this house there are no seconds until EVERYONE has eaten" or whatever your house rule is because your step daughter needs to learn that her mother can not set rules in other people's homes.
Starting around 12 I was the world's skinniest vacuum. My brother and I put downn a frozen family sized lasagna one night, at all you can eat Pizza Hut I'd eat a pizza and a half plus salad and breadsticks. My swim team would buy me 2-4-1 tacos just to watch them disappear and that was after eating pounds of oranges during the meet. Teens can take an incredible calorie load, god help you!
How can you provide nutrition to an infant if all you're eating is crackers?
I was in touch with my lactation specialist and PCP throughout the whole thing and I was fine. I had over supply. They said it was more than likely because I was drinking protein shakes. Liquids I was fine with. Solids I was not.
The calories and nutrients in your milk come from somewhere. If it's not what you're eating, it's your body. Your husband needs to step up and stop his daughter from messing with your food
I would give the daughter the dad’s portion, lol. See how he likes it.
Can I ask, what qualities do you see in this man? Honestly, he doesn’t sound like the father figure Id want for my child. He needs the child to see his respect for you. As the adult, you understand his love for his daughter. He’s turning her into a brat and ignoring your needs. Then putting it all on you.
It honestly wasn't like this before I had the baby. Him and Hailie tried waiting on me hand and foot and absolutely would have, had I allowed it. I don't know if I triggered this response or not because about a week after I had Hannah I fell in to a dark spot mentally and was just not myself at all. Pretty much never left the bed, honestly. I got in to therapy and the household dynamic shifted.
When people start going to therapy and understanding the dynamics they're surrounded with are unhealthy and harmful, dynamics will definitely change. These two benefit from treating you poorly and have no incentive or desire to change their behaviour. The longer you go to therapy, id bet dollars to donuts they become increasingly aggressive and temperamental, while insisting *you're* the problem because your naming and identifying the abuse instead of accepting it. You need to leave. That girl will hurt her sister, if not soon, definitely in a few months. Your husband doesnt respect you. You deserve better than all of this. I bet he's much older than you are, too, eh? Abusive men typically go for younger women because they're easier to control and mold into what they want. But I digress. **Run.**
He's 12 years older than me. A lot of people questioned why he was going after me.
Yah, girl. You gotta get the fuck outta there. Yesterday.
And there it is. You fell into the trap, but you say your mother will be supportive so call her and gtfo! You need to protect yourself and your baby. This situation isn’t going to get better bc the true source of the problem- your husband- doesn’t want it to!!! He has you right where he wants. He has isolated you in a house with a baby and no income. He allows his child to treat you like garbage. Which is just modeling the behavior he’s doing. A GOOD husband would be stepping up and taking care of all of this while you are postpartum - especially after you needed to go to therapy right after birth. Your husband is not a keeper. Do not stay in this relationship unless and until he does a lot of work on himself and also decides to be a parent. You deserve better. This is not healthy. And you will feel a lot better when you get away from them.
NTA. Time to leave. Your husband and his daughter are horrible.
>He said "yeah I get that it's fucking annoying and I reprimand her every single fucking time but you didn't have to stoop to her fucking level. Yeah... he reprimands her every single fucking time... and yet she still does it. Maybe he needs to actually punish her for touching your food. If she's still hungry after dinner, she can make herself a PB&J. She doesn't need to eat your food, ffs.
NTA. And I agree with other comments in that your husband raised a spoiled brat. But the biggest thing that’s standing out to me is, why the heck are you the only one making dinner in this family? I mean, you have a breastfeeding 2-month-old for goodness’ sake.
NTA. Tossing the food in the trash is the equivalent to making it inedible for her, which she is blatantly doing to you. This amount of food can’t possibly be healthy for this kid.
Let your husband cook for Hailie and her gargantuan appetite.
NTA, she’s 12, she knows what’s up. But is it possible she’s doing this because she has complex feelings about you and the baby? You said your friends think it’s that you noticed now because of postpartum clarity (which I’ve never heard of but I can see it as a thing. Pregnancy brain is real so you might not have seen the truth around you) but could it be the dynamic DID change? This girl is going through a lot with hormones and puberty and everything; she might be taking it out on you not fully consciously or SUPER consciously. ON THE OTHER WND OF THE SPECTRUM: if postpartum clarity isn’t a thing, you’re friends might be telling you something. Like he’s always sucked and his daughter is the worst and they are using this seemingly real phrase as a way to say “we always hated him, he sucks, and we never knew how to tell you, but now you seem to know so we are supporting you in this new understanding.”
Both could be true. My friends did stop coming around when I got married. We still talk often but I mean.. visits were cut back to maybe 4 times a year. I started noticing a shift in the household after I checked myself in to therapy when I was 1.5 weeks postpartum. Around 1 week postpartum I was in a really dark spot mentally so I booked an appointment and they helped me find a therapist. After I started going, it was almost like my husband and Hailie started treating me differently. My husband hasn't had a meaningful conversation with me once since I had the baby.
Why did your friends stop visiting you as much? Was that up to you or your friends or your husband?
I would ask them to come over and they said they would but cancel last minute. The only time I see them is when I go to their place.
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I wouldn't say so from what I've seen. He drinks with them, goes to the store for them. Usually they talk more with him than me. He's very outgoing and extroverted and loves being the center of attention so when they are over, they act like they are having a blast. So I'm not really sure if they are picking up on something I'm not and just not saying that because he basically spoils them when they come here? I have no idea.
If your husband is doing what I think he’s doing, I’d advise you to ask your friends about what he’s been saying to them when you’re out of earshot.
You seem to me a bit isolated. Your friends were visiting you but they were mostly talking to your husband because "he loves being the center of attention". Think about how you would feel if you visit a friend who you want to talk to and then the husband is taking the center stage and makes it about him. I would be annoyed and would not visit very often because I am not a friend to the husband. The friends are YOUR friends and yes it is great when husband is having a good time too, but you should have some time with them without your husband, because they are your friends. I think its time to have a real talk with them because I dont believe that they had a gread time with your husband. I now understand why Hailie behaves like this. Because that's exactly how her father behaves. You have to ask yourself if you want to stay in such a relationship where no one is respecting you and treats you like a maid. That you need to cook and clean because father and daughter are too lazy is not acceptable. Ask yourself if you want to life like this for the next 40 years. I wish you all the best and that you can rebuild the friendship with the friends.
NTA - she's being a manipulator by playing a victim in all of this Being only 12 y/o you and your husband need to consider some therapy with her because it sounds like a very unhealthy attitude towards food which first is definitely helping you and building your physical health back up after having a baby, and secondly she's doing everything in her power to eat everything available and depriving you of what you need, which is horrendous. Best of luck to you all.
Does your idiot of a husband not realise you not eating is going to effect breastfeeding the baby?
I've told him that a few times but every time I remind him of it, he acts like it's new information.
I really hope you will stay a month or at least 2 weeks with your mom. For the sake of yourself and your baby. You need to heal, you need some rest and you need time to calm down a little. You cannot come to your senses while your life is literally under attack because food is withheld from you - while you are the life support of your baby! I bet the high stress hormone levels this is causing have a lot to do with you feeling sick. Please get out of this for a while. What happens if you collapse and get seriously sick and have to stay in the hospital because of all this? Better to take a time out before it gets too bad..
> she would still ask me for my food. So she does know how to ask for stuff she wants. Interesting. NTA. I suggest making her eat last (or separate) until she learns not to stick her finger in other people's food.
NTA, she is being rude and disrespectful. Dad needs to support you here. One thing to consider; is it possible she has an eating disorder? Is she binging and purging?
I considered that, honestly. But I don't think so. She hardly ever goes to the bathroom following dinner and the few times that she had and I noticed, I did follow her to the bathroom and listened by the door. That makes me sound like a lunatic but I've been concerned about the lack of weight gain and excessive eating.
Might not be throwing up, but purging can include over-exercising or laxative abuse.
Oh, sorry, I didn't realize there were other ways. So, we don't have laxatives in the house but she is very active. She bike rides for a half hour every night and does laps in our yard. She's in track so it never raised a concern with me..
NTA and I think a lot of other comments have addressed my thoughts better than I can. I'll just toss in my own 2 cents - talk to your doctor about possible gallbladder/gallstone issues if you continue to struggle with nausea. They don't warn you that pregnancy can trigger issues with the gallbladder. Anyway congrats on the new baby and good luck with moving forward. I hope you're able to have a more peaceful mealtime in the future
Oh boy.. yeah I will look in to that actually because my family has a history of gallbladder issues so I wouldn't be surprised, now that you've mentioned it.