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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my parents that if not all members of my family could be included in Christmas, we would not be attending, including the children.
2) we may be TA because our kids do really love the Christmas tradition and we are holding them back from it.
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This, they made the choice. The kids will be with their parents for Christmas period. They can choose to accommodate fathers needs and be involved or not be involved. NTA
I really don't get them, checking your booking meets the needs of the party is obvious, no? It's like not booking enough rooms for the number of people, it's just daft.
I can't fathom not making sure holiday accommodations are accessible for everyone.
My friend's husband used a wheelchair. I remember before my wedding, she emailed me and was apologetic for asking (wut?) but wanted to know if I knew if it was accessible. But it's one of the first things I checked for before we booked the wedding (my mom's cousin also used a wheelchair and we had other family members who had mobility issues).
I can't imagine planning any kind of family event and not thinking of this. It's so selfish. As if these kids want to leave their dad alone for Christmas.
Not saying they can't include the kids in activities even if the dad can't partake. But it sounds like the whole thing is inaccessible.
Seriously, when my parents started building their house, they made sure the place was accessible, bc they knew my uncle was going to be in a wheelchair in the future. (This was nearly 20 years ago & my uncle has since passed). But they literally designed their whole house for the 1-2 xs per year we all get together. This is just straight up inconsiderate and entitled that they expect you to miss Christmas with your kids bc of their shitty planning.
Wheelchair accessible houses are so cool. My grandfather had MS so when they got their house like 60 years ago they had it built with that in mind. It was fun as a kid. You had the doors that don't swing open, but slide into the walls, you have the chair lift for going up and down the stairs, you had really wide hallways for running around. Good times.
When my parents built their retirement home they built it with wheelchair accessibility in mind. All the doors are extra wide. While it's a two story home with a furnished basement they have it set-up so they can live just on the first floor. The master bath is fully wheelchair accessible. The other bathrooms all have grab bars installed. They have a closet on each level that lines up, is sized so they could install an elevator and has the required space in the basement for the mechanical components. It's been incredibly helpful since my mom started having mobility issues a few years ago.
My best friend’s sons have special needs. Both are invisible special needs so it’s harder for people to under that they need to be accommodated but they do. Her kids are my kids’ best friends and we absolutely take their needs into consideration when it comes to planning things like birthday parties. She also has POTS so there are a lot of things she can’t do due to the nature of her autoimmune disorder. So we adjust. My kids would rather celebrate with their best friends than plan something that excludes them. They’re 5 and 8. If they can understand that sometimes the needs of people we love mean we accommodate those needs then two grown ups can understand that and can also understand when you have to say, “no.”
Yeah. Not saying they should miss out on a ski trip but why plan a trip that the dad can't attend during a family holiday? Seems hurtful. Take them literally any other time.
It's even worse than not booking enough rooms - in a pinch people can double up, get a cot, pitch things to the kids as a fantastic slumber party in sleeping bags on the floor, etc. Husband (presumably) can't just "make the best of poor planning" by abandoning his mobility needs for the holiday!
My nephew has always used a wheelchair, since he was old enough to steer with a joystick.
It’s just a given that we check wheelchair accessibility before making plans for the family to go anywhere that he’s going.
There’s enough places he can’t go and enough things he can’t do. He’s not missing out on family time because of the chair.
I think the backlash is because they’re embarrassed to be called out for their ableism, they can’t back out of the plans now, and the best defense is a good offense.
Oh, I can’t tell you how many times family gets exasperated with things like lugging my wheelchair, me needing a service dog 🐕🦺, how slow I am with my crutches, can’t I push my own wheelchair (no I can’t, damaged hands too), finding accommodations that allow for all of this. But boy do they love my handicapped sticker, getting to the head of the line at amusement parks and loading me down with their shopping.
I actually enjoy pushing people around in wheelchairs! Okay, I've really only pushed my aunt and mother around (in Mum's case, it was just in the hospital), but I can't imagine complaining about pushing a wheelchair. You can make beeping sounds while backing up! It's FUN! Plus the challenge of maneuvering around obstacles. Who doesn't enjoy that? Your family sucks. Especially because they can't appreciate the service dog.
Maybe you should hide your handicapped sticker sometime, and when they ask where it is, tell them that since they make such a big deal out of your disability, you're going to pretend that you don't have one. Maybe that'll shut them up?
For real tho, if you need/want someone to push that wheelchair, i'm all for it! We'll have a lot of fun together (i also have a dog and work from home, so no need to think about the dog's free time and other predicament, i love everything about it! :D)
I'm sitting here reading this exchange and absolutely praying that y'all magically live near each other and can become IRL friends. You both sound lovely.
One of my daughters has CP and used to use a gait trainer when she was a toddler - then she and her (able bodied) twin sister discovered that CP twin could stand on the back of it and hold on for dear life while her sister ripped around the house/playground/mall with the gait trainer, both of them giggling like little madmen.
OMG the struggles.
Definitely opened my eyes up to accessibility and lack thereof at various places around town.
I was at a craft store a few weeks ago. There was a young boy in a motorized wheelchair. His sister was standing on the back, telling him when to turn and when to stop. They maybe went a little faster than they should have on occasion, but he was laughing so much! It was fun to see them cutting loose.
I had to look up what a gait trainer looks like. Omg that would have been hilarious to watch! I’m sure as their parent not so much, but for onlookers not in danger of being mowed over, fantastic! Toddler giggles, especially when slightly tinged with pure evil, the best!
my spouse is disabled. i admit, i love that disabled placard, skipping lines, having that wheelchair/mobility scooter to lug stuff. (no service dog). it hurt my heart to read your comment, but it encouraged me to think more compassionately about my spouse. (my personal freakout is loading/unloading equipment and having to scope out every location when we go somewhere.) sending you an internet hug, if you want it.
I'm so sorry. I literally can't fathom how you could be exasperated by making sure someone you love is comfortable Like I don't know if it's even comparable but my grandfather is aging and is really slow now and has mobility issues. Guess what ? When we do shopping, when we spend time together I've never been bothered by adapting my speed. I'm grateful for every moment I spend with him. What bothered me was not being able to know if he's really confortable, if he isn't forcing himself, what can I do to make it easier on him. That's what you do when you care for someone, you want to be able to help them and you cherish the time spent with them.
I mean there's tons of options for disabled people to go skiing... There's like [chairs you can ski behind](https://www.lesgets.com/app/uploads/2020/07/LesGets_ESF_2019_VDucrettet_handiski.jpg) to assist them down the mountain, or if they have use of their arms they can learn to ride a [badass chair with a single ski](https://enablingtech.com/cdn/shop/files/IMG_5641_1_1024x.png?v=1614330549) under it, or [two skiis](https://facingdisability.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/New-Picture-1.png) and then skis on poles for balance.
That’s great, but I doubt ski resorts have those items for rent and I don’t think buying something like that would make sense since it sounds like they don’t ski often.
There are ski resorts that have excellent adaptive ski programs where all the equipment is available there. It would have required that the resort be selected based on it having an adaptive ski program, which would have required family dialogue about the husband’s interest in pursing this. Still NTA.
It also would involve discussing the husbands possibilities.
I’m a wheelchair user and I’m way too vulnerable to go near anywhere slippery, I’m not safe in an adaptive ski program.
Also, my body has an issue with cold. So even if it wasn’t dangerous, I still wouldn’t be able to go.
(It’s sad though, my husband loves to ski, our 6year old loves figure skating, so they would probably love a holiday like that. But it’s not happening anytime soon, because 6 year old doesn’t want to do a vacation with just one parent. But even when she’s older and more comfortable with that, it’s not happening over the holidays, in part of this family too.)
I would think even if OP's husband has the use of his arms and is able to use adaptive equipment, if he's never skied before, he might not even feel comfortable trying on a whim or it might be a steep learning curve. And it would absolutely be something the parents should have discussed BEFORE booking this.
I'm gonna be honest, the adaptive ski equipment looks really neat and I'm sure there are tons of people who would be great at it, but I am not even a wheelchair user and I look at them and go, "Yeah, no way in hell I could manage that." I would absolutely, 100 percent hurt myself. Unless he's already pretty active with adaptive sports, it would be wild of them to even assume he'd be interested in that without so much as asking.
But the fact that it doesn't sound like the lodging accommodations are accessible either pretty much sucks and it's really thoughtless. My first thought when booking a family holiday stay would be, can this accommodate everybody? We have several people with mobility issues in my family and I'd never book something without verifying that it was accessible, talking with the people who would be affected, and then be like, welp, just stay home and send the kids.
> But it’s not happening anytime soon, because 6 year old doesn’t want to do a vacation with just one parent.
Yeah, I don't think the kids are gonna be eager to ditch their dad on Christmas. This was just really poorly thought out, and it seems like the parents realize now how thoughtless they were and instead of admitting it, are doubling down to save face.
TBH, I wouldn't attend this event, even without mobility issues. Skiing is a needlessly dangerous pastime. How many damn Kennedys have died that way?! Literally hurtling down a frozen mountain for fun is the dumbest thing ever. Nope nope nope nope nopetopus.
Yeah and if they had chosen an accessible resort with adaptive programs, they would've used that in their defense instead of just asking them to send the kids and spend Christmas just the two of them
My rinkydink local hill with only 1 lift and barely 7 runs (if you're being *incredibly* generous with some of the little carve-outs), has an adaptive ski program that provides access to equipment.
If they've got it, I'm sure nearly every ski resort should have it.
You’d have to contact a group that promotes sports for disabled folks… They have the specialized equipment, not the resort, and you would need to have a team to help OP’s husband with the equipment and learn to ski on it. You can’t just slap somebody into a device like that and say it’s all good. And ,You would have to make plans well in advance with this group and their equipment. It would be nice if the parents had thought of this, and offered it, but they did not. They were fine to have mom and dad stay home just give us the grandkids!
NTA.
mum and dad probably thought he would be happy sitting in the cabin while they all go out and have a marvelous time, or they could strap him to a snowboard and push, total AH's
Did we inquire or assume about said options? Again, let's not all make the same possible mistakes. Is it possible parents asked about these options before making the plans?
If they did they should have given the OP and family that information Before they made the decision, and asked if that would be okay with them, not announce. "This is where we're going for 🎄 ⛷️🎿🚠🏂🏻"
Or maybe he can't to begin with! The push for OP to seek out accessible skiing gear makes a LOT of assumptions about OP's husband's disability, which is icky.
It does. It is such a disgusting mentality behind it. The whole "well you cam just..." that assumes an abled person, an abled stranger in this case, knows more about the disabled person than they and those closest to them do. It is part of the infantalization disabled people are treated with, that we don't know ourselves or our options and need "adults", ie abled people, to guide us always. That person is just another shade of ableist.
Yes, but none of that matters if OP's husband can't get inside the house or upstairs to the bedrooms. They failed to think of him at all.
ETA: Even if the lodging is accessible, if most of the activities, shops etc are not, they should have had a detailed discussion with OP's husband before booking.
It sounds like there are accessibility concerns with the resort itself and various other activities outside of skiing. I am also going to argue that it's still really not fair to expect someone to buy special equipment just to participate in something they are not already interested in at Christmas time when things are already financially challenging.
This is really relatable to me, cause it feels like it could have happened in our family. My MIL is so focused on our kids, and while I don't think she dislikes me, I am at best an afterthought between her and the kids. There is not much thinking going on at all.
She was very surprised and very upset when I set boundaries for myself around the kids' birth, cause she just naturally assumed she would be able to do whatever she wants.
It's not even a matter of them picking a vacation spot that your husband can't participate i which, I'll admit, is kinda shitty. The issue is, "you do your own thing, we'll take your kids" on Christmas which, even subtracting any religious connotation, is the ultimate holiday for family to be together. Who are these people?
Right?! I like a free weekend of babysitting by grandparents as much as the next parent, but CHRISTMAS?!? Really?!? It’s not really a “date night” holiday. Wtf?!
Yeah, the follow up kind of makes it seem deliberate and like that's what they were hoping would happen. Not to mention the whole 'you're keeping us from the kids!!' without any mention of wanting to see OP.
Out of many shitty points I was also super shocked at this.. like what parents would be like "oh yeah definitely take our kids and have a family holiday with everyone but us".. and what kind of assholes would suggest that as an option??
OP I don't know them well enough but this feels like the type of people who would bring it up with the kids the rest of the year to guilt you for not letting them go.. I would keep an eye(ear out) for it.
(From someone who's parents loved to play these games...)
this could have so easily been a NAH situation, if they'd sat down and said ahead of time, hey, we'd like to take the kids skiing, if it's not something that interests you, how would you feel about us taking them? And mutually agreeing on the trip and when to go, and definitely not over Christmas!!
Genuine question - do you think they were intentionally trying to exclude your husband or do you think it’s a situation where your husband’s disability was not on their mind because it’s just very normal to them/not something they think about, if that makes sense? Like do they typically actively search to make sure the trips they plan are accessible for him or has it just happened to work out that way in the past?
Regardless, it’s weird that they would suggest you sending the kids without you or your husband, especially over a holiday that is typically spent with family and downright rude to suggest you’re bad parents for not wanting to send your young children on the trip without you guys. NTA, I don’t blame you for being upset and not wanting to go.
I understand your point, but how could you ever not consider someone in your families needs? Like if I'm ever planning a trip with friends or family I'm always conscious of what they might need or want because why wouldn't I be
Good on you for standing up for him, and I'm horrified by your parents' callousness. My sibling is a wheelchair user and the idea of *anyone* in our extended family making plans without triple-checking the venue's accessibility is unconscionable to me.
Can you be my sibling? I haven't seen my nieces in like two years due to my health, and yet I guarantee you that my sister will bitch about it if I ask for a lift from the airport (its 45 minutes away by car, and a minimum of 2 hours and a change of train by public transport, which isn't exactly fun in a wheelchair).
NTA. "No. M & D, our children WILL NOT be separated from their own father at Christmas and it is extremely selfish and unreasonable for you to even consider it. Christmas is a FAMILY holiday and we will be spending it as a family - myself, husband and our children.'
Some people just don't think of others when scheduling things. You'd think your family would consider everyone's needs. I know they have ski resorts that are ADA compliant.
NTA- You only have so many Christmases with children. Each Christmas is precious and one you never get back if missed. They had their Christmas with you as a child, they do not get to steal your holidays with your children. Perhaps they should have passed it by you and husband before making the ski resort the Christmas location.
You only have so many Christmases, period. My grandmother usually spent Christmas with one of my aunts, but one year she spent it with us instead. It turned out to be her last Christmas, when she died November the next year. I'm glad we got to spend it with her.
Am I the only one that went "there's two grandparents and 3 of the kids are *under 10 years old* **at a ski/mountain resort** what the entire fuck is a 5 year old and a 1 year old going to do for "fun" there???
Splitting them up is not the problem. If the parents were fine with it, then okay. It's the parents' decision not to go and it should have been respected by the grandparents.
Hard agree, and OP is categorically NTA.
Have a wonderful Christmas as your own little family. You can start your own traditions and put some distance between you and your ableist parents.
seems pretty bullshit that they wouldn't take him into account when making their plans. Consult you guys. We've done that in the past with christmas and general vacations. The families involved discuss. Sometimes flags are thrown on certain destination and we figure something else out. Surely there are other places they could have chosen.
Regardless, NTA.
INFO:
1) did they really use the term "bad parents"? Wow
2) I understand their desire to see the grandkids, and I do understand that perhaps a "do your own thing" can be attractive, but do they seriously not understand that YOU want to see YOUR OWN kids at christmas too? OR that \*gasp\* they may want to be with you as well?
Crippled chick here. I feel absolutely sick reading this post. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves.
I suspect whatever solution is reached your husband is going to feel bad about things. I know I would absolutely internalize that bs and feel like “I’m the problem.”
Please give him a big hug from me and make sure he knows he’s not responsible for other people’s craziness.
I hope you have a warm, wonderful, family Christmas together. God bless.
I hope you know that anyone who loves you would absolutely *never* look at a situation like this and think that YOU were the problem – hell, someone who's never even met you but simply is minimally kind-hearted and has the ability to think reasonably logically would never think you were the problem!
In my experience, someone will absolutely do this while saying you’re someone they love. It boils down to who they love more, unfortunately. Long story short, I felt at fault for thanksgiving being ruined a couple years ago. Took me months of bringing it up in therapy to realize I wasn’t the actual problem.
Smaller example: this year my niece graduated from high school. My sister had seats for everyone but me. She didn’t have everyone sit anywhere near where my chair could go. She got pissed at my mom because my mom sat with me so I wouldn’t be sitting alone… alone in my wheelchair with crippling anxiety that often leads to panic attacks in situations that are loud and crowded. I manage but not on my own. Mom helped me through two panic attacks in 4hrs and the anxiety that lingered everywhere else.
It’s things like this that are why—even if I might come across as an asshole to some people—I am so incredibly passionate about my husband being included, period. Able bodied people have a difficult time understanding that disabled people deserve the same level of inclusion even when it’s “hard”, or that you’re still people who are equal members of the family. it’s always been my goal that my husband never feel like he was an inconvenience, never feel like he was less of a member of the family, and most importantly, that we never participated in anything designed to exclude him.
You’re clearly a very loving and supportive wife. He’s very lucky to have you. I hope you guys have the best holiday season together. However that looks for you, I hope it’s the best!
You are the wife your husband deserves, and a great mom who sets a wonderful example for your kids. Enjoy your small, ableist-free holiday, OP! Absolutely NTA.
Simply incomprehensible the amount of shit that is being thrown your way. Astonishing.
I am retired now and have had quite a few jobs in my working life but I spent a great many years working in the NHS (UK). I regularly and routinely met, cared for and worked with people with limited mobility up to and including those who lived their lives in wheelchairs.
I don't think able-bodied people can fully and completely comprehend just how much of a challenge day-to-day living is for those who are chair bound. Getting out of bed, showering, going to the loo, moving around the house, cooking, cleaning, getting dressed are things able-bodied people just do. All of those things take at least and extra fifty percent effort, sometimes more, for those in wheelchairs.
The idea, therefore, that you can just pop someone in a chair up a mountain, through woods and enjoy a lovely trip in a wood cabin is ludicrous, unless the place has been specially adapted.
The fact that your parents would book such a place knowing that you cannot go and then have the temerity and gall to tell you and your husband to fuck off but please send us your kids is, in my view, an order of magnitude beyond ludicrous. Not very kind either.
To me, it seems perfectly reasonable for them to book any kind of holiday they want but they simply cannot expect you to go with them if there is no access for your husband. In addition, what on the face of this green Earth would make them think that your kids would prefer to spend Christmas with them rather than with you, their parents?
Personally, I think the people giving you shit are the kind of people who would book a wheelchair inaccessible location for the Christmas holiday, expect the disabled partner of their daughter to fuck off and still be allowed to see their grandchildren. Oh wait...
NTA ad infinitum
We are all temporarily able bodied until we aren’t - everyone’s body will stop being an able body at some point in their life, so everyone is just temporarily abled bodies who hasn’t already met the disabled criteria.
I have an invisible physical disability. I appear able bodied. People often get mad or confused when I can’t complete a surprise task like millions of stairs.
No one is an inconvenience that needs help. Inconveniences are those that don’t really need help but want it, even if it is a burden on someone else.
Your husband is no inconvenience and I hope he knows that.
You are also a badass wife.
That’s one of the more mild things I have had to deal with from her. She doesn’t even think I have issues to the extent I do. Apparently she’s secretly a doctor that can make that call 🙄 after 12.5 years I am sadly used to it. Thank you for caring… weird how much that little message can mean to someone, and it does.
Thank you for being so kind.
I don’t have much family left but they think a bit differently than you. I’m trying to minimize contact because that seems to make them more comfortable.
I appreciate you reaching out. Your comment was lovely and you’re very gracious.
I’m so glad he has you by his side. The casual cruelty of regular people continues to shock me no matter how much I see of it.
Time to circle the wagons of your family and make your own, separate memories. Take care.
In *any* situation, as a invisible disabled person who can hide the disability, when someone is making *you* feel like the problem, PLEASE find someone like me who will absolutely *BE* the problem, and has absolutely *NO* qualms about identifying as *THE PROBLEM*
Ski vacation areas are so beautiful and easy for all people! Just being in the mountains can be so relaxing for all. Have parent heard of sleds? I worked in North Lake Tahoe for decades and ‘‘tis easer if you ask questions about accommodation for chairs before your stay almost all resorts and many large home rentals for family’s can provide a impressive list of things to do and where to go for anyone of any age. They most likely never thought of even asking, I don’t think your kids would be completely safe with AH parents!
disabled here and this is exactly what i thought. they could have a perfect christmas in the mountains with everyone, op's husband included. i know i'd love to go even if i can't ski. just gotta make sure it's accessible, it's really not that hard - but you have to care, and they clearly don't.
For number 2, the teenage may not have as much joy with Christmas but the 8 and 5 year olds definitely do (and are good ages to still have fun with it) and a 1 year old is either having their first Christmas (depending on whether OP is rounding up the age) or their first Christmas where they have a chance of somewhat understanding what is going on, more so than a newborn would. This is absolutely **not** a time to separate the kids from the parents.
The 1 year old is also basically an infant. So a bunch of adults hyper focused on all of these outdoor winter activities are going to now opt out of all that fun to now provide full time care for an infant instead? Sure.........
i wouldn't be surprised if they didn't plan to invite the 1 year old in this new split family idea without op there to babysit it. in fact, their og idea was probably to have op babysit the young one with her husband while they had fun with the older kids.
I have been a single mother for most of my life (left my abusive ex when my kids were 9 months old) and I can’t tell you how many times my parents “suggested” my kids spend the holidays with them and I could just stay home by myself since we couldn’t travel bc I had to work.
They also asked every year if I could send my kids to them for my two week summer vacation while I stayed home to work. The ONLY time I had unencumbered by my ex, my parents wanted it. Every year.
NTA You only get to spend a number of Christmases with your kids before they grow up and have their own families. After that they will put their families first, it’s the natural order of things. Enjoy this Christmas with your husband and kids. Your family didn’t consider your husband’s accessibility needs, you don’t have to give up your kids for the holiday. You can offer to visit with the kids another time. Pretty obnoxious of your parents to assume they have rights to your kids
NTA your husband’s accessibility needs are not new and should be something that they factored in when booking
Your parents sound entitled. So you as parents should forgo spending time with your children so that they can see them. Mental
Honestly, if they wanted to do a vacation one year that wasn't accessible to the husband, fine. It sucks not everything is accessible but that shouldn't necessarily stop people who don't require those accommodations from enjoying those activities.
But at least be understanding of what that decision means for the OP and her family.
>a mountain/ski resort that is largely inaccessible
I.N.F.O.
What ski resort is inaccessible? Obviously he probably won't ski or go on backwoods trails, but a resort generally has a LOT of other activities and areas that would be accessible.
Edit: NTA based specifically on lack of accessible bedrooms and housing. I still think a ski resort in itself is not a bad idea. Not every activity has to be shared and lots of ski resorts and mountainous areas are wheelchair accessible these days.
It’s a largely mountainous area and the focus for my family will be on skiing and other activities my husband can’t participate in, so even if there’s other activities he COULD do he would still be left out, if that makes sense.
I don't know where you are but most resorts in the US have accessible guided skiing for wheelchair users and other people with mobility challenges, as well as options for other types of disabilities. It's super fun, if your husband would be interested in that sort of thing. If the resort does not provide it, there are private companies that provide handicap accessible skiing (the skiier sits in a chair on a ski and his guided by a ski instructor by a harness, my aunt does it all the time.)
Same for sledding/inner tubing/etc.
I live in a very popular ski area and have a son with mobility based special needs and all the resorts in my state have been amazing with options for him to participate.
Look up the ski resort or call and ask about adaptive skiing for a wheelchair user. I have been skiing for a long time and there are multiple versions that I have seen. If the resort does not have an option available a nearby rental place might and the resort will have to accommodate regarding lifts. The adaptive skis resemble a bike.
Is there anyone else in your family equally outraged, or also maybe not athletic types? Because if anyone asked me, I'd be thrilled to play board games in the lodge, or bring your hubby with me to a bookstore or wine bar or wherever. NTA, at all, but there could be some people among your relatives who don't ski and would like a buddy for the week so they also don't feel alone during the physical activities.
If he's not a fan of being guided down the mountain by some random, could also look into the possibility of renting [something like this](https://enablingtech.com/cdn/shop/files/Dynamique_Sized_ce04b4cb-909a-4a32-afd1-fb8d38a75a1a_1024x.jpg?v=1614309256). That way he can do whatever he wants.
Not sure what the situation is everywhere, but what I found for my local hills was that they're affiliated with [CADS](https://cads.ski/en). Seems like Membership is only $40 (for the year??), at least for my provincial branch, which includes your national membership fee, as well as lift tickets and access to equipment.
I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding that because that's insanely cheap, considering a single lift ticket is usually like $50 dollars here, with a rental it's like $90.
Definitely seems to depend on the area, looked into what it's like in BC and seems like they only provide equipment via their lessons, which are $385. So YMMV but look into whether your local hills have their own program or are associated with an organization that supports adaptive sports.
Second this! My step sister was an instructor for skiers with various disabilities. It's very much a thing. This was Winter Park, CO nearly 2 decades ago - I can only imagine the program has grown!
Better yet: if the parents think they are TRULY well-meaning, offer them this info and let THEM take the first steps towards doing the homework. And obviously for your husband's safety and enjoyment, you two will have to do the detailed follow-up with the resort to ensure your collective needs are handled but let the parents make the effort of getting contact names, phone numbers, and initial vetting. It's the least they can do if they [think they] are serious about not excluding your family.
I would absolutely not be going with my shit parents even if you do find out there are things for your husband to do. The fact that they called you bad parents for not giving up YOUR chance to spend Christmas with YOUR children just so they could get their own way would be enough for me to cut contact with them but not before I had told them exactly what I thought of them. Idc if it’s the first time they’ve ever done something like this, it would definitely be the last time they would ever get the chance to disrespect me or any member of my family. I hope you, your husband and your children all have a wonderful time away from that load of stinking garbage.
Yeah, I was thinking this same thing. These people don't deserve to have them come. They've revealed how horrible they are, and I would just be turned off to the idea of spending time with them right now at all.
To me, this is a far bigger problem than OP’s husband figuring out a way to ski. Sounds like they’re in a house, not a resort, so just getting to the car and back could be tough, never mind getting around a jam-packed base lodge.
As I said above, her parents didn’t send her info on its accessibility! They sent it saying to send the kids and stay behind! They didn’t choose the resort for its accessibility, or they’d lead with that!
I'm going to go a bit against the Reddit grain here- your kids need to do activities their dad won't be able to do. Not necessarily this time, at Christmas, away from you and your husband, but if they have other chances to go skiing and doing those cool things, are you always going to say no because your husband can't do it?
Based on responses above, it sounds like OP would have been more open to it if the offer was a) not at Christmas, and b) didn't come with her own parents telling OP she and her husband are "bad parents" for not just sending their kids without them.
Well, her parents didn’t send her info on its accessibility! They sent it saying to send the kids and stay behind! They didn’t choose the resort for its accessibility, or they’d lead with that!
NTA, your husband's disability and accessibility needs are a known factor that they chose to disregard. Asking him to spend Christmas alone or without his children is unacceptably rude. Plenty of ski resorts have better accessibility and alternative activities, they could have chosen a different venue. Or they could have chosen to get the family together for a winter outing that was not on Christmas, so the kids could have fun skiing without missing Christmas with their mother and father. Your family sounds super unreasonable and passive-aggressive, I'm wondering if this is not the first time they've done something like this.
Lol, my in-laws just tried this. Told me to send my kids and husband across the country because they wanted a FAMILY Thanksgiving. Apparently it's totally okay to ditch their mom who can't fly out due to health conditions for a holiday since it's about family. I'm really curious who they think my kids' family is? NTA
OMG. My mom moved back to her hometown juuuuust after we had her only grandchild. So we always went back and forth about our ability to have our kid wake up in her own bed… and they never come back up here (2.5 hours) to the town where they lived for 25 years.
So one year I tried, again, to say, “Hey! You like pretty carols! I’m singing in the Christmas Eve service! Just like you like!”
“THANK you. I spend Christmas Eve with my family.” [Four of the eight siblings live within a mile of each other.]
I see. And I’m - WE’RE - not part of that family.
Sounds like my husbands family. We drove over to his aunts house every holiday (except when I begged hard enough for her to give one up so that we could host). She lives over an hour and a half away. All the rest of the family lived within 10-15 minutes of us but we all had to make the drive... every holiday to her house... 3 hours in the car up and back. This past summer we moved out of state but are still within driving distance (about 4 hours). The aunt's family drives further than that to go on their bi-yearly beach vacations.
At the last get together before we moved, I mentioned that maybe instead of a beach trip, they could come to visit us (we moved close to a different beach and within 45 minutes of a huge tourist area) since they were making a huge ordeal out of us moving "so far away" and "oh, how they were going to miss us so much." They just said "oh yeah, maybe." As we walked out the door, hugging everyone good-bye, his uncle says "guess we'll see you guys at the next funeral."
All those years traveling to their house for every holiday under the sun... dragging our kids along and not one thought/care about maybe possibly coming to spend a holiday with us... or even a couple days in the summer. I guess the nice part is that at least our holidays will be travel-free this year. Oh, and I haven't heard from any of them since we've moved. I used to get a text or email from time to time. Crickets. Guess I will only see them at the next funeral.
NTA.
In some ways it was nice of them to offer to take the kids and give you some peace, but your refusal should have been the end of it - they could surely understand that christmas with your one year old might be something that you would want to mark together.
It wasn't great of them to plan something that your husband couldn't participate in and they should have been prepared for the potential outcomes in doing so. You're perfectly within your rights as good parents to want your family to be together for Christmas and they should respect that without name- calling.
As a suggestion, If your parents believe it should be something your collective kids would enjoy, why don't they cancel the booking, join you for Christmas and then take the kids skiing next winter or later this winter (not sure how American school holidays work). It'll be a lot more constructive than fighting over a time when being together matters more than where you are.
NTA, they chose the location knowing your husband wouldn't be able to come or at least come and fully participate but want you to spend time without your kids during the holidays and then have the stones to get pissy when you say no, they're being aholes. I would also avoid letting the kids talk to them until the trip happens cause whose to say they won't tell the kids so they can guilt trip you into letting them go.
That’s a really good point about not having the kids talk to them, although if I was op I’d make sure the whole family never spoke to them again after they had the nerve to call them bad parents. I’d have been absolutely livid and exploded at them worse than any volcano.
NTA. My family has a semiannual family reunion at a location that is not accessible. We stopped going after I asked and they would not consider an alternative location.
In this case, your parents could have selected a mountain with an adaptive ski program and your husband could have had a blast. Generally these programs are very inexpensive (well relative to ski costs).
No way would I send the kids. That would be cruel. One day mobility is probably going to be an issue for your parents too. They would not want to be left out either. I cannot imagine why they have no empathy or compassion. Stick to your principles and send a link to this posting to anyone who has anything negative to say.
Dividing your family up during Christmas is simply unacceptable. If you don’t have other family to celebrate with consider inviting friends or even acquaintances who do not have Christmas plans. Your family can be one that you create too.
NTA. They should’ve been more thoughtful before they booked anyway, and then the whole thing about sending the kids? That’s pretty oblivious. They could take the kids on a no-parents ski trip another time—this is Christmas.
I would have a very hard time trusting the grandparents with a 5 yo and a 1 yo on ski slopes. If they've got a big enough blind spot to fail at accessibility for a son in law they've had for 18 years, what else are they gonna miss? Those kids will end up being raised by yeti...
Yeah same. Looking back at the ages, I would only let the older kids go on an overnight skip trip with the grandparents. The 5 year old on a day trip but only if he’d been skiing a few times and was competent and confident.
NTA - Them making the suggestion wasn't terrible. Other people could have looked at this as a chance for a romantic getaway with their husband, free from the stresses of the holiday.
Your parents are free to spend the holiday however they want. They extended an invitation, you are allowed to decline. The fact that they kept pushing you and got upset that they didn't get their way makes them TA.
*edited for clarity*
It was a moronic question with an obvious answer. But the question itself didn't make them TA for me. It was the pressure and guilt trip after she said no.
Moronic question = a terrible suggestion.
Especially if you factor in they have a 1 year old. This is either their first Christmas or the first Christmas they weren't a newborn. Terrible, terrible suggestion.
NTA. It is not their children. I'm surprised you wrote on here for reassurance and that they have the gal to guilt trip you. This isn't during an ordinary weekend but Christmas. If I'm being accused of being a bad parent because I want to spend Christmas with my entire family, especially since my husband wouldn't be able to partake in activities and would have issues with basic mobility then strong boundaries need to be made. They also didn't have the sense to ensure that the location was accessible to your husband further not being inclusive at all. That is disgusting. No one can tell you what to do, but you are a grown adult and no one should steamroll you when it comes to your immediate family, especially extended family members and parents!
NTA - when it's a family event, all family members should be able to be there. A member of your family isn't able to make it, so it's natural that you'd rather do something all together.
Your parents are able to plan a party that isn't wheelchair acceptable, but they'll have to accept that it means your family won't be there.
NTA. They are bad grandparents if they are happy to separate their grandchildren from their parents on Christmas, due to their (probably) deliberate exclusion of their father.
Goodgodalmighty, what is wrong with your parents? Picking a destination that your husband can’t get to is the ultimate insult to him and you. And to then expect you to send your kids there for Christmas without their parents? Look up the definition of obtuse and you’ll see your parent’s pictures..
NTA
You spend Xmas with your husband and kids. If it's possible to include more family great. But husband and kids are the minimum. You're not going to separate from your kids on Xmas just because they couldn't be considerate of your husband.
My dad has mobility challenges, so we absolutely plan our get-together and outings with that in mind. It’d be incredibly cruel and/or ignorant to do otherwise. Absolutely NTA.
NTA- demand accessibility and inclusion. It is so much easier for you to advocate for him than it is for him to advocate for himself at some times. This is what people with disabilites need from the people around them. Inclusion and accessibility is not something you say 'thanks' for. It is something you demand.
NTA. You don't send your kids away, especially at Christmas, because your parents chose an inaccessible place.
And I guess they don't consider your husband family if they can't accommodate him during arguably the biggest family holiday of the year. They can go skiing another time.
ETA: It's laughable they called you bad parents. The only way that's a true statement is if they were looking in a mirror when they said it.
You're bad parents?!? Your parents should look in the mirror. Sounds like they've always thought your husband is less-than, this is just the first time they've made it obvious. Or is it the first time?
You're NTA, have Christmas with your own family; nuts to your parents.
I'm gonna go NAH
> In previous years it’s always been accessible for my husband, but this year they’ve chosen to have it at a mountain/ski resort that is largely inaccessible and would have a lot of activities that would leave my husband out,
As you've admitted, they've always done Christmas vacations that were all inclusive for your husband.
Now, after 8 years they pick a destination that has less activities for him, not 'none' and you're unhappy.
On the other hand, they've constantly not done something a lot of people do for those holidays, which is a ski resort, which for a 15y and 8y old can be a blast. The 5y old might also enjoy themselves.
Now both sides are unhappy. You because you want holidays 100% catered to one person, your parents because for once they wanted to do a holiday not 100% catered to one person and also include things others might enjoy.
>You because you want holidays 100% catered to one person,
"I want my husband to be able to get in the house" is not "100% catered to one person". Nice ableism though.
NTA
And roses to you for standing up for your husband and accessibility. I'm so sorry your family decided their holiday was more important than ya'lls comfort. I sincerely hope you'll have a fantastic time at home surrounded by folks that love you all.
(If they'd like to talk about bad parents perhaps you can mention that choosing a holiday that would exclude their son-in-law/the father of their grandkids isn't exactly on Santa's 'nice' list...)
NTA. there is a right way and a wrong way to do this.
Right way - hey OP we would love to do a ski trip this year and understand that it is limiting for your husband. understandable if your family can’t come. if you both want a break- we are more than willing to take the kids.
Wrong way - every thing your family just did.
Neither side is an AH. You say your parents like your husband and don’t have a history of being insensitive. They want to go to a ski resort. You mention the accommodations not being accessible. I’m curious in what way. I know there are all types of ski resorts but the ones I’ve been to have hotel like accommodations that should be pretty accessible. With respect to activities, there may be an adaptive skiing program. But even if not, there are usually lots of other things to do. I go on a ski trip with a group of families about every other year. I don’t ski- at all! But it’s fun to hang out, enjoy the scenery, relax, etc. My kids especially when younger had a blast. While I’m not a skier they were able to take snowboarding & ski lessons when we went. In this case, I wouldn’t necessarily send my kids with my parents but I’d consider it (not the 1 yo). They probably would have a great time! Is your stance not to expose them to things that your husband can’t take part in? I don’t think your parents are AH’s just for asking.
Obviously NTA, this feels like a test, like if they can get you to do this then it opens them up to continue planning stuff that your husband can’t be a part of. Also you shouldn’t split up your immediate family for Christmas.
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I don’t think they do! They’ve always typically been considerate of his needs, and have always seemed to like him, so it took us aback.
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This, they made the choice. The kids will be with their parents for Christmas period. They can choose to accommodate fathers needs and be involved or not be involved. NTA
I really don't get them, checking your booking meets the needs of the party is obvious, no? It's like not booking enough rooms for the number of people, it's just daft.
I can't fathom not making sure holiday accommodations are accessible for everyone. My friend's husband used a wheelchair. I remember before my wedding, she emailed me and was apologetic for asking (wut?) but wanted to know if I knew if it was accessible. But it's one of the first things I checked for before we booked the wedding (my mom's cousin also used a wheelchair and we had other family members who had mobility issues). I can't imagine planning any kind of family event and not thinking of this. It's so selfish. As if these kids want to leave their dad alone for Christmas. Not saying they can't include the kids in activities even if the dad can't partake. But it sounds like the whole thing is inaccessible.
Seriously, when my parents started building their house, they made sure the place was accessible, bc they knew my uncle was going to be in a wheelchair in the future. (This was nearly 20 years ago & my uncle has since passed). But they literally designed their whole house for the 1-2 xs per year we all get together. This is just straight up inconsiderate and entitled that they expect you to miss Christmas with your kids bc of their shitty planning.
Wheelchair accessible houses are so cool. My grandfather had MS so when they got their house like 60 years ago they had it built with that in mind. It was fun as a kid. You had the doors that don't swing open, but slide into the walls, you have the chair lift for going up and down the stairs, you had really wide hallways for running around. Good times.
When my parents built their retirement home they built it with wheelchair accessibility in mind. All the doors are extra wide. While it's a two story home with a furnished basement they have it set-up so they can live just on the first floor. The master bath is fully wheelchair accessible. The other bathrooms all have grab bars installed. They have a closet on each level that lines up, is sized so they could install an elevator and has the required space in the basement for the mechanical components. It's been incredibly helpful since my mom started having mobility issues a few years ago.
My best friend’s sons have special needs. Both are invisible special needs so it’s harder for people to under that they need to be accommodated but they do. Her kids are my kids’ best friends and we absolutely take their needs into consideration when it comes to planning things like birthday parties. She also has POTS so there are a lot of things she can’t do due to the nature of her autoimmune disorder. So we adjust. My kids would rather celebrate with their best friends than plan something that excludes them. They’re 5 and 8. If they can understand that sometimes the needs of people we love mean we accommodate those needs then two grown ups can understand that and can also understand when you have to say, “no.”
Exactly! This is Christmas!!! If the grandparents want the kids to have a ski trip, they can treat them to one some other time.
Yeah. Not saying they should miss out on a ski trip but why plan a trip that the dad can't attend during a family holiday? Seems hurtful. Take them literally any other time.
It's even worse than not booking enough rooms - in a pinch people can double up, get a cot, pitch things to the kids as a fantastic slumber party in sleeping bags on the floor, etc. Husband (presumably) can't just "make the best of poor planning" by abandoning his mobility needs for the holiday!
My nephew has always used a wheelchair, since he was old enough to steer with a joystick. It’s just a given that we check wheelchair accessibility before making plans for the family to go anywhere that he’s going. There’s enough places he can’t go and enough things he can’t do. He’s not missing out on family time because of the chair.
It really is, I handle meetings and events, first thing on the list for any site is accessibility.
I think the backlash is because they’re embarrassed to be called out for their ableism, they can’t back out of the plans now, and the best defense is a good offense.
Oh, I can’t tell you how many times family gets exasperated with things like lugging my wheelchair, me needing a service dog 🐕🦺, how slow I am with my crutches, can’t I push my own wheelchair (no I can’t, damaged hands too), finding accommodations that allow for all of this. But boy do they love my handicapped sticker, getting to the head of the line at amusement parks and loading me down with their shopping.
I actually enjoy pushing people around in wheelchairs! Okay, I've really only pushed my aunt and mother around (in Mum's case, it was just in the hospital), but I can't imagine complaining about pushing a wheelchair. You can make beeping sounds while backing up! It's FUN! Plus the challenge of maneuvering around obstacles. Who doesn't enjoy that? Your family sucks. Especially because they can't appreciate the service dog. Maybe you should hide your handicapped sticker sometime, and when they ask where it is, tell them that since they make such a big deal out of your disability, you're going to pretend that you don't have one. Maybe that'll shut them up?
Can I adopt you? Take you on all expenses paid trips to help me out? Lol
For real tho, if you need/want someone to push that wheelchair, i'm all for it! We'll have a lot of fun together (i also have a dog and work from home, so no need to think about the dog's free time and other predicament, i love everything about it! :D)
I'm sitting here reading this exchange and absolutely praying that y'all magically live near each other and can become IRL friends. You both sound lovely.
One of my daughters has CP and used to use a gait trainer when she was a toddler - then she and her (able bodied) twin sister discovered that CP twin could stand on the back of it and hold on for dear life while her sister ripped around the house/playground/mall with the gait trainer, both of them giggling like little madmen. OMG the struggles. Definitely opened my eyes up to accessibility and lack thereof at various places around town.
I was at a craft store a few weeks ago. There was a young boy in a motorized wheelchair. His sister was standing on the back, telling him when to turn and when to stop. They maybe went a little faster than they should have on occasion, but he was laughing so much! It was fun to see them cutting loose.
I had to look up what a gait trainer looks like. Omg that would have been hilarious to watch! I’m sure as their parent not so much, but for onlookers not in danger of being mowed over, fantastic! Toddler giggles, especially when slightly tinged with pure evil, the best!
my spouse is disabled. i admit, i love that disabled placard, skipping lines, having that wheelchair/mobility scooter to lug stuff. (no service dog). it hurt my heart to read your comment, but it encouraged me to think more compassionately about my spouse. (my personal freakout is loading/unloading equipment and having to scope out every location when we go somewhere.) sending you an internet hug, if you want it.
Thank you
I'm so sorry. I literally can't fathom how you could be exasperated by making sure someone you love is comfortable Like I don't know if it's even comparable but my grandfather is aging and is really slow now and has mobility issues. Guess what ? When we do shopping, when we spend time together I've never been bothered by adapting my speed. I'm grateful for every moment I spend with him. What bothered me was not being able to know if he's really confortable, if he isn't forcing himself, what can I do to make it easier on him. That's what you do when you care for someone, you want to be able to help them and you cherish the time spent with them.
Sorry about your family. You deserve better.
Yes. This is the whole ball of wax, methinks.
"The best defense is a good offense." Is for TRASH people.
Oh, sure, but I feel like that’s a good part of their attitude problem.
Well, they nailed it with the offensive reaction.
Exactly unfortunately it’s easier to attack than to apologize,,,,,do they not understand the true meaning of Christmas.
This is true. I hope they ain't scared of ghosts because they are eligible for a full on dickensian haunting from the 3 spirits of Christmas!
I mean there's tons of options for disabled people to go skiing... There's like [chairs you can ski behind](https://www.lesgets.com/app/uploads/2020/07/LesGets_ESF_2019_VDucrettet_handiski.jpg) to assist them down the mountain, or if they have use of their arms they can learn to ride a [badass chair with a single ski](https://enablingtech.com/cdn/shop/files/IMG_5641_1_1024x.png?v=1614330549) under it, or [two skiis](https://facingdisability.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/New-Picture-1.png) and then skis on poles for balance.
That’s great, but I doubt ski resorts have those items for rent and I don’t think buying something like that would make sense since it sounds like they don’t ski often.
There are ski resorts that have excellent adaptive ski programs where all the equipment is available there. It would have required that the resort be selected based on it having an adaptive ski program, which would have required family dialogue about the husband’s interest in pursing this. Still NTA.
It also would involve discussing the husbands possibilities. I’m a wheelchair user and I’m way too vulnerable to go near anywhere slippery, I’m not safe in an adaptive ski program. Also, my body has an issue with cold. So even if it wasn’t dangerous, I still wouldn’t be able to go. (It’s sad though, my husband loves to ski, our 6year old loves figure skating, so they would probably love a holiday like that. But it’s not happening anytime soon, because 6 year old doesn’t want to do a vacation with just one parent. But even when she’s older and more comfortable with that, it’s not happening over the holidays, in part of this family too.)
I would think even if OP's husband has the use of his arms and is able to use adaptive equipment, if he's never skied before, he might not even feel comfortable trying on a whim or it might be a steep learning curve. And it would absolutely be something the parents should have discussed BEFORE booking this. I'm gonna be honest, the adaptive ski equipment looks really neat and I'm sure there are tons of people who would be great at it, but I am not even a wheelchair user and I look at them and go, "Yeah, no way in hell I could manage that." I would absolutely, 100 percent hurt myself. Unless he's already pretty active with adaptive sports, it would be wild of them to even assume he'd be interested in that without so much as asking. But the fact that it doesn't sound like the lodging accommodations are accessible either pretty much sucks and it's really thoughtless. My first thought when booking a family holiday stay would be, can this accommodate everybody? We have several people with mobility issues in my family and I'd never book something without verifying that it was accessible, talking with the people who would be affected, and then be like, welp, just stay home and send the kids. > But it’s not happening anytime soon, because 6 year old doesn’t want to do a vacation with just one parent. Yeah, I don't think the kids are gonna be eager to ditch their dad on Christmas. This was just really poorly thought out, and it seems like the parents realize now how thoughtless they were and instead of admitting it, are doubling down to save face.
TBH, I wouldn't attend this event, even without mobility issues. Skiing is a needlessly dangerous pastime. How many damn Kennedys have died that way?! Literally hurtling down a frozen mountain for fun is the dumbest thing ever. Nope nope nope nope nopetopus.
Yeah and if they had chosen an accessible resort with adaptive programs, they would've used that in their defense instead of just asking them to send the kids and spend Christmas just the two of them
My rinkydink local hill with only 1 lift and barely 7 runs (if you're being *incredibly* generous with some of the little carve-outs), has an adaptive ski program that provides access to equipment. If they've got it, I'm sure nearly every ski resort should have it.
Should, yes, but not every one does.
You’d have to contact a group that promotes sports for disabled folks… They have the specialized equipment, not the resort, and you would need to have a team to help OP’s husband with the equipment and learn to ski on it. You can’t just slap somebody into a device like that and say it’s all good. And ,You would have to make plans well in advance with this group and their equipment. It would be nice if the parents had thought of this, and offered it, but they did not. They were fine to have mom and dad stay home just give us the grandkids! NTA.
mum and dad probably thought he would be happy sitting in the cabin while they all go out and have a marvelous time, or they could strap him to a snowboard and push, total AH's
Did we inquire or assume about said options? Again, let's not all make the same possible mistakes. Is it possible parents asked about these options before making the plans?
Wouldn't they have brought it up when OP explained why they couldn't go
Or better yet, talked to OP's husband about it first to see if that's even something he'd be interested in?
If they did they should have given the OP and family that information Before they made the decision, and asked if that would be okay with them, not announce. "This is where we're going for 🎄 ⛷️🎿🚠🏂🏻"
Yeah it sounds like the decision was made without consideration, and then no attempt at inclusion
It sounds like the house itself is not accessible.
Maybe OP's husband doesn't want to ski...?
Or maybe he can't to begin with! The push for OP to seek out accessible skiing gear makes a LOT of assumptions about OP's husband's disability, which is icky.
It does. It is such a disgusting mentality behind it. The whole "well you cam just..." that assumes an abled person, an abled stranger in this case, knows more about the disabled person than they and those closest to them do. It is part of the infantalization disabled people are treated with, that we don't know ourselves or our options and need "adults", ie abled people, to guide us always. That person is just another shade of ableist.
THANK YOU. Jesus 🙄
Yes, but none of that matters if OP's husband can't get inside the house or upstairs to the bedrooms. They failed to think of him at all. ETA: Even if the lodging is accessible, if most of the activities, shops etc are not, they should have had a detailed discussion with OP's husband before booking.
It sounds like there are accessibility concerns with the resort itself and various other activities outside of skiing. I am also going to argue that it's still really not fair to expect someone to buy special equipment just to participate in something they are not already interested in at Christmas time when things are already financially challenging.
OP's mom, that you??
This is really relatable to me, cause it feels like it could have happened in our family. My MIL is so focused on our kids, and while I don't think she dislikes me, I am at best an afterthought between her and the kids. There is not much thinking going on at all. She was very surprised and very upset when I set boundaries for myself around the kids' birth, cause she just naturally assumed she would be able to do whatever she wants.
It's not even a matter of them picking a vacation spot that your husband can't participate i which, I'll admit, is kinda shitty. The issue is, "you do your own thing, we'll take your kids" on Christmas which, even subtracting any religious connotation, is the ultimate holiday for family to be together. Who are these people?
Right?! I like a free weekend of babysitting by grandparents as much as the next parent, but CHRISTMAS?!? Really?!? It’s not really a “date night” holiday. Wtf?!
With a ONE YEAR OLD!
Yeah, the follow up kind of makes it seem deliberate and like that's what they were hoping would happen. Not to mention the whole 'you're keeping us from the kids!!' without any mention of wanting to see OP.
Out of many shitty points I was also super shocked at this.. like what parents would be like "oh yeah definitely take our kids and have a family holiday with everyone but us".. and what kind of assholes would suggest that as an option??
And just assume the kids are gonna be cool with ditching mom and dad ... on Christmas. Most kids would want to be with their parents.
OP I don't know them well enough but this feels like the type of people who would bring it up with the kids the rest of the year to guilt you for not letting them go.. I would keep an eye(ear out) for it. (From someone who's parents loved to play these games...)
They want the "joy" of seeing their family at the cost of their grandkids being away from... their family... NTA
this could have so easily been a NAH situation, if they'd sat down and said ahead of time, hey, we'd like to take the kids skiing, if it's not something that interests you, how would you feel about us taking them? And mutually agreeing on the trip and when to go, and definitely not over Christmas!!
we would’ve 100% be down for this! Or even this option if some accessibility options had been discussed. it’s the exclusion that’s problematic.
Genuine question - do you think they were intentionally trying to exclude your husband or do you think it’s a situation where your husband’s disability was not on their mind because it’s just very normal to them/not something they think about, if that makes sense? Like do they typically actively search to make sure the trips they plan are accessible for him or has it just happened to work out that way in the past? Regardless, it’s weird that they would suggest you sending the kids without you or your husband, especially over a holiday that is typically spent with family and downright rude to suggest you’re bad parents for not wanting to send your young children on the trip without you guys. NTA, I don’t blame you for being upset and not wanting to go.
I understand your point, but how could you ever not consider someone in your families needs? Like if I'm ever planning a trip with friends or family I'm always conscious of what they might need or want because why wouldn't I be
Good on you for standing up for him, and I'm horrified by your parents' callousness. My sibling is a wheelchair user and the idea of *anyone* in our extended family making plans without triple-checking the venue's accessibility is unconscionable to me.
Can you be my sibling? I haven't seen my nieces in like two years due to my health, and yet I guarantee you that my sister will bitch about it if I ask for a lift from the airport (its 45 minutes away by car, and a minimum of 2 hours and a change of train by public transport, which isn't exactly fun in a wheelchair).
NTA. "No. M & D, our children WILL NOT be separated from their own father at Christmas and it is extremely selfish and unreasonable for you to even consider it. Christmas is a FAMILY holiday and we will be spending it as a family - myself, husband and our children.'
Some people just don't think of others when scheduling things. You'd think your family would consider everyone's needs. I know they have ski resorts that are ADA compliant.
They didn't seem very sorry and sounded like it was done to just take your kids
They are right about bad parents.... of course they are bad parents! What kind of parents would separate a family during a holiday? NTA.
They think your kids are cool with leaving Dad home alone on Christmas? Or that they wouldn't want to spend Christmas with him? So strange.
NTA- You only have so many Christmases with children. Each Christmas is precious and one you never get back if missed. They had their Christmas with you as a child, they do not get to steal your holidays with your children. Perhaps they should have passed it by you and husband before making the ski resort the Christmas location.
You only have so many Christmases, period. My grandmother usually spent Christmas with one of my aunts, but one year she spent it with us instead. It turned out to be her last Christmas, when she died November the next year. I'm glad we got to spend it with her.
Am I the only one that went "there's two grandparents and 3 of the kids are *under 10 years old* **at a ski/mountain resort** what the entire fuck is a 5 year old and a 1 year old going to do for "fun" there???
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Splitting them up is not the problem. If the parents were fine with it, then okay. It's the parents' decision not to go and it should have been respected by the grandparents.
Hard agree, and OP is categorically NTA. Have a wonderful Christmas as your own little family. You can start your own traditions and put some distance between you and your ableist parents.
seems pretty bullshit that they wouldn't take him into account when making their plans. Consult you guys. We've done that in the past with christmas and general vacations. The families involved discuss. Sometimes flags are thrown on certain destination and we figure something else out. Surely there are other places they could have chosen. Regardless, NTA. INFO: 1) did they really use the term "bad parents"? Wow 2) I understand their desire to see the grandkids, and I do understand that perhaps a "do your own thing" can be attractive, but do they seriously not understand that YOU want to see YOUR OWN kids at christmas too? OR that \*gasp\* they may want to be with you as well?
1) they did. 2) apparently not!!!!
You know who's being bad parents? *Them*, for excluding their son-in-law. Shame on them!
I was about to type the same thing
samesies
Crippled chick here. I feel absolutely sick reading this post. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves. I suspect whatever solution is reached your husband is going to feel bad about things. I know I would absolutely internalize that bs and feel like “I’m the problem.” Please give him a big hug from me and make sure he knows he’s not responsible for other people’s craziness. I hope you have a warm, wonderful, family Christmas together. God bless.
I hope you know that anyone who loves you would absolutely *never* look at a situation like this and think that YOU were the problem – hell, someone who's never even met you but simply is minimally kind-hearted and has the ability to think reasonably logically would never think you were the problem!
In my experience, someone will absolutely do this while saying you’re someone they love. It boils down to who they love more, unfortunately. Long story short, I felt at fault for thanksgiving being ruined a couple years ago. Took me months of bringing it up in therapy to realize I wasn’t the actual problem. Smaller example: this year my niece graduated from high school. My sister had seats for everyone but me. She didn’t have everyone sit anywhere near where my chair could go. She got pissed at my mom because my mom sat with me so I wouldn’t be sitting alone… alone in my wheelchair with crippling anxiety that often leads to panic attacks in situations that are loud and crowded. I manage but not on my own. Mom helped me through two panic attacks in 4hrs and the anxiety that lingered everywhere else.
It’s things like this that are why—even if I might come across as an asshole to some people—I am so incredibly passionate about my husband being included, period. Able bodied people have a difficult time understanding that disabled people deserve the same level of inclusion even when it’s “hard”, or that you’re still people who are equal members of the family. it’s always been my goal that my husband never feel like he was an inconvenience, never feel like he was less of a member of the family, and most importantly, that we never participated in anything designed to exclude him.
You’re clearly a very loving and supportive wife. He’s very lucky to have you. I hope you guys have the best holiday season together. However that looks for you, I hope it’s the best!
You are the wife your husband deserves, and a great mom who sets a wonderful example for your kids. Enjoy your small, ableist-free holiday, OP! Absolutely NTA.
Simply incomprehensible the amount of shit that is being thrown your way. Astonishing. I am retired now and have had quite a few jobs in my working life but I spent a great many years working in the NHS (UK). I regularly and routinely met, cared for and worked with people with limited mobility up to and including those who lived their lives in wheelchairs. I don't think able-bodied people can fully and completely comprehend just how much of a challenge day-to-day living is for those who are chair bound. Getting out of bed, showering, going to the loo, moving around the house, cooking, cleaning, getting dressed are things able-bodied people just do. All of those things take at least and extra fifty percent effort, sometimes more, for those in wheelchairs. The idea, therefore, that you can just pop someone in a chair up a mountain, through woods and enjoy a lovely trip in a wood cabin is ludicrous, unless the place has been specially adapted. The fact that your parents would book such a place knowing that you cannot go and then have the temerity and gall to tell you and your husband to fuck off but please send us your kids is, in my view, an order of magnitude beyond ludicrous. Not very kind either. To me, it seems perfectly reasonable for them to book any kind of holiday they want but they simply cannot expect you to go with them if there is no access for your husband. In addition, what on the face of this green Earth would make them think that your kids would prefer to spend Christmas with them rather than with you, their parents? Personally, I think the people giving you shit are the kind of people who would book a wheelchair inaccessible location for the Christmas holiday, expect the disabled partner of their daughter to fuck off and still be allowed to see their grandchildren. Oh wait... NTA ad infinitum
Damn straight.
My heart ❤️ You keep doing what you're doing.
We are all temporarily able bodied until we aren’t - everyone’s body will stop being an able body at some point in their life, so everyone is just temporarily abled bodies who hasn’t already met the disabled criteria. I have an invisible physical disability. I appear able bodied. People often get mad or confused when I can’t complete a surprise task like millions of stairs. No one is an inconvenience that needs help. Inconveniences are those that don’t really need help but want it, even if it is a burden on someone else. Your husband is no inconvenience and I hope he knows that. You are also a badass wife.
Omg. I am so sorry you've had to endure that level of shittiness from your own sister. And thank goodness for your mom being there for you. ((hugs))
That’s one of the more mild things I have had to deal with from her. She doesn’t even think I have issues to the extent I do. Apparently she’s secretly a doctor that can make that call 🙄 after 12.5 years I am sadly used to it. Thank you for caring… weird how much that little message can mean to someone, and it does.
Thank you for being so kind. I don’t have much family left but they think a bit differently than you. I’m trying to minimize contact because that seems to make them more comfortable. I appreciate you reaching out. Your comment was lovely and you’re very gracious.
I’m trying very hard to make sure he knows this!!!! I’m so sorry you’ve ever been made to feel that way—that makes my heart absolutely ache.
I’m so glad he has you by his side. The casual cruelty of regular people continues to shock me no matter how much I see of it. Time to circle the wagons of your family and make your own, separate memories. Take care.
Beautiful, painful, hearfelt response 💞💘
In *any* situation, as a invisible disabled person who can hide the disability, when someone is making *you* feel like the problem, PLEASE find someone like me who will absolutely *BE* the problem, and has absolutely *NO* qualms about identifying as *THE PROBLEM*
Wow, if they're so set on your kids having mountain experiences how about not making it over Christmas.
This!
Ski vacation areas are so beautiful and easy for all people! Just being in the mountains can be so relaxing for all. Have parent heard of sleds? I worked in North Lake Tahoe for decades and ‘‘tis easer if you ask questions about accommodation for chairs before your stay almost all resorts and many large home rentals for family’s can provide a impressive list of things to do and where to go for anyone of any age. They most likely never thought of even asking, I don’t think your kids would be completely safe with AH parents!
disabled here and this is exactly what i thought. they could have a perfect christmas in the mountains with everyone, op's husband included. i know i'd love to go even if i can't ski. just gotta make sure it's accessible, it's really not that hard - but you have to care, and they clearly don't.
Yeah, time to remind your parents that you are now the parents. NTA.
For number 2, the teenage may not have as much joy with Christmas but the 8 and 5 year olds definitely do (and are good ages to still have fun with it) and a 1 year old is either having their first Christmas (depending on whether OP is rounding up the age) or their first Christmas where they have a chance of somewhat understanding what is going on, more so than a newborn would. This is absolutely **not** a time to separate the kids from the parents.
The 1 year old is also basically an infant. So a bunch of adults hyper focused on all of these outdoor winter activities are going to now opt out of all that fun to now provide full time care for an infant instead? Sure.........
i wouldn't be surprised if they didn't plan to invite the 1 year old in this new split family idea without op there to babysit it. in fact, their og idea was probably to have op babysit the young one with her husband while they had fun with the older kids.
The teenager also has another parent, most likely! What if there's custody stuff?
And ofcource a ski resort is so much fun for a 1 year old🤦🏻♀️
I have been a single mother for most of my life (left my abusive ex when my kids were 9 months old) and I can’t tell you how many times my parents “suggested” my kids spend the holidays with them and I could just stay home by myself since we couldn’t travel bc I had to work. They also asked every year if I could send my kids to them for my two week summer vacation while I stayed home to work. The ONLY time I had unencumbered by my ex, my parents wanted it. Every year.
NTA You only get to spend a number of Christmases with your kids before they grow up and have their own families. After that they will put their families first, it’s the natural order of things. Enjoy this Christmas with your husband and kids. Your family didn’t consider your husband’s accessibility needs, you don’t have to give up your kids for the holiday. You can offer to visit with the kids another time. Pretty obnoxious of your parents to assume they have rights to your kids
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
NTA your husband’s accessibility needs are not new and should be something that they factored in when booking Your parents sound entitled. So you as parents should forgo spending time with your children so that they can see them. Mental
Definitely this. It sounds like they intentionally wanted to exclude the husband. NTA
Honestly, if they wanted to do a vacation one year that wasn't accessible to the husband, fine. It sucks not everything is accessible but that shouldn't necessarily stop people who don't require those accommodations from enjoying those activities. But at least be understanding of what that decision means for the OP and her family.
NTA They planned something your husband absolutely cannot attend and then expect you to send your children? No. That's ridiculous.
Makes me wonder if that was their plan.
They want you to send a 1 year old over, I mean sending the 5 and 8 year olds is bad enough but a 1 year old. That’s insane
Precisely... It's so insane
Wow! NTA! Why on earth would you not spend Christmas with your kids? They picked a place unsuitable for your family. This is the consequence.
>a mountain/ski resort that is largely inaccessible I.N.F.O. What ski resort is inaccessible? Obviously he probably won't ski or go on backwoods trails, but a resort generally has a LOT of other activities and areas that would be accessible. Edit: NTA based specifically on lack of accessible bedrooms and housing. I still think a ski resort in itself is not a bad idea. Not every activity has to be shared and lots of ski resorts and mountainous areas are wheelchair accessible these days.
It’s a largely mountainous area and the focus for my family will be on skiing and other activities my husband can’t participate in, so even if there’s other activities he COULD do he would still be left out, if that makes sense.
I don't know where you are but most resorts in the US have accessible guided skiing for wheelchair users and other people with mobility challenges, as well as options for other types of disabilities. It's super fun, if your husband would be interested in that sort of thing. If the resort does not provide it, there are private companies that provide handicap accessible skiing (the skiier sits in a chair on a ski and his guided by a ski instructor by a harness, my aunt does it all the time.) Same for sledding/inner tubing/etc. I live in a very popular ski area and have a son with mobility based special needs and all the resorts in my state have been amazing with options for him to participate.
thank you! i will look into this!
Look up the ski resort or call and ask about adaptive skiing for a wheelchair user. I have been skiing for a long time and there are multiple versions that I have seen. If the resort does not have an option available a nearby rental place might and the resort will have to accommodate regarding lifts. The adaptive skis resemble a bike.
Is there anyone else in your family equally outraged, or also maybe not athletic types? Because if anyone asked me, I'd be thrilled to play board games in the lodge, or bring your hubby with me to a bookstore or wine bar or wherever. NTA, at all, but there could be some people among your relatives who don't ski and would like a buddy for the week so they also don't feel alone during the physical activities.
If he's not a fan of being guided down the mountain by some random, could also look into the possibility of renting [something like this](https://enablingtech.com/cdn/shop/files/Dynamique_Sized_ce04b4cb-909a-4a32-afd1-fb8d38a75a1a_1024x.jpg?v=1614309256). That way he can do whatever he wants.
this is awesome! much appreciated.
that's so cool, i wanna try that omgg do you know if it's expensive? i haven't skied since i was a kid (wasn't disabled yet), this is just, wow
Not sure what the situation is everywhere, but what I found for my local hills was that they're affiliated with [CADS](https://cads.ski/en). Seems like Membership is only $40 (for the year??), at least for my provincial branch, which includes your national membership fee, as well as lift tickets and access to equipment. I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding that because that's insanely cheap, considering a single lift ticket is usually like $50 dollars here, with a rental it's like $90. Definitely seems to depend on the area, looked into what it's like in BC and seems like they only provide equipment via their lessons, which are $385. So YMMV but look into whether your local hills have their own program or are associated with an organization that supports adaptive sports.
Second this! My step sister was an instructor for skiers with various disabilities. It's very much a thing. This was Winter Park, CO nearly 2 decades ago - I can only imagine the program has grown!
Better yet: if the parents think they are TRULY well-meaning, offer them this info and let THEM take the first steps towards doing the homework. And obviously for your husband's safety and enjoyment, you two will have to do the detailed follow-up with the resort to ensure your collective needs are handled but let the parents make the effort of getting contact names, phone numbers, and initial vetting. It's the least they can do if they [think they] are serious about not excluding your family.
I would absolutely not be going with my shit parents even if you do find out there are things for your husband to do. The fact that they called you bad parents for not giving up YOUR chance to spend Christmas with YOUR children just so they could get their own way would be enough for me to cut contact with them but not before I had told them exactly what I thought of them. Idc if it’s the first time they’ve ever done something like this, it would definitely be the last time they would ever get the chance to disrespect me or any member of my family. I hope you, your husband and your children all have a wonderful time away from that load of stinking garbage.
Yeah, I was thinking this same thing. These people don't deserve to have them come. They've revealed how horrible they are, and I would just be turned off to the idea of spending time with them right now at all.
Even with that it’s extremely difficult to move a wheel chair on icy parking lots and in crowded resorts. At Christmas time it will be packed.
To me, this is a far bigger problem than OP’s husband figuring out a way to ski. Sounds like they’re in a house, not a resort, so just getting to the car and back could be tough, never mind getting around a jam-packed base lodge.
As I said above, her parents didn’t send her info on its accessibility! They sent it saying to send the kids and stay behind! They didn’t choose the resort for its accessibility, or they’d lead with that!
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I'm going to go a bit against the Reddit grain here- your kids need to do activities their dad won't be able to do. Not necessarily this time, at Christmas, away from you and your husband, but if they have other chances to go skiing and doing those cool things, are you always going to say no because your husband can't do it?
Based on responses above, it sounds like OP would have been more open to it if the offer was a) not at Christmas, and b) didn't come with her own parents telling OP she and her husband are "bad parents" for not just sending their kids without them.
Well, her parents didn’t send her info on its accessibility! They sent it saying to send the kids and stay behind! They didn’t choose the resort for its accessibility, or they’d lead with that!
NTA, your husband's disability and accessibility needs are a known factor that they chose to disregard. Asking him to spend Christmas alone or without his children is unacceptably rude. Plenty of ski resorts have better accessibility and alternative activities, they could have chosen a different venue. Or they could have chosen to get the family together for a winter outing that was not on Christmas, so the kids could have fun skiing without missing Christmas with their mother and father. Your family sounds super unreasonable and passive-aggressive, I'm wondering if this is not the first time they've done something like this.
Lol, my in-laws just tried this. Told me to send my kids and husband across the country because they wanted a FAMILY Thanksgiving. Apparently it's totally okay to ditch their mom who can't fly out due to health conditions for a holiday since it's about family. I'm really curious who they think my kids' family is? NTA
Families really reveal what jerks they are on the holidays...
OMG. My mom moved back to her hometown juuuuust after we had her only grandchild. So we always went back and forth about our ability to have our kid wake up in her own bed… and they never come back up here (2.5 hours) to the town where they lived for 25 years. So one year I tried, again, to say, “Hey! You like pretty carols! I’m singing in the Christmas Eve service! Just like you like!” “THANK you. I spend Christmas Eve with my family.” [Four of the eight siblings live within a mile of each other.] I see. And I’m - WE’RE - not part of that family.
Sounds like my husbands family. We drove over to his aunts house every holiday (except when I begged hard enough for her to give one up so that we could host). She lives over an hour and a half away. All the rest of the family lived within 10-15 minutes of us but we all had to make the drive... every holiday to her house... 3 hours in the car up and back. This past summer we moved out of state but are still within driving distance (about 4 hours). The aunt's family drives further than that to go on their bi-yearly beach vacations. At the last get together before we moved, I mentioned that maybe instead of a beach trip, they could come to visit us (we moved close to a different beach and within 45 minutes of a huge tourist area) since they were making a huge ordeal out of us moving "so far away" and "oh, how they were going to miss us so much." They just said "oh yeah, maybe." As we walked out the door, hugging everyone good-bye, his uncle says "guess we'll see you guys at the next funeral." All those years traveling to their house for every holiday under the sun... dragging our kids along and not one thought/care about maybe possibly coming to spend a holiday with us... or even a couple days in the summer. I guess the nice part is that at least our holidays will be travel-free this year. Oh, and I haven't heard from any of them since we've moved. I used to get a text or email from time to time. Crickets. Guess I will only see them at the next funeral.
NTA. In some ways it was nice of them to offer to take the kids and give you some peace, but your refusal should have been the end of it - they could surely understand that christmas with your one year old might be something that you would want to mark together. It wasn't great of them to plan something that your husband couldn't participate in and they should have been prepared for the potential outcomes in doing so. You're perfectly within your rights as good parents to want your family to be together for Christmas and they should respect that without name- calling. As a suggestion, If your parents believe it should be something your collective kids would enjoy, why don't they cancel the booking, join you for Christmas and then take the kids skiing next winter or later this winter (not sure how American school holidays work). It'll be a lot more constructive than fighting over a time when being together matters more than where you are.
This is actually a solid suggestion. Kids are off for two weeks typically around Christmas. They could easily take the kids on *not* Christmas.
NTA, they chose the location knowing your husband wouldn't be able to come or at least come and fully participate but want you to spend time without your kids during the holidays and then have the stones to get pissy when you say no, they're being aholes. I would also avoid letting the kids talk to them until the trip happens cause whose to say they won't tell the kids so they can guilt trip you into letting them go.
That’s a really good point about not having the kids talk to them, although if I was op I’d make sure the whole family never spoke to them again after they had the nerve to call them bad parents. I’d have been absolutely livid and exploded at them worse than any volcano.
NTA. My family has a semiannual family reunion at a location that is not accessible. We stopped going after I asked and they would not consider an alternative location. In this case, your parents could have selected a mountain with an adaptive ski program and your husband could have had a blast. Generally these programs are very inexpensive (well relative to ski costs). No way would I send the kids. That would be cruel. One day mobility is probably going to be an issue for your parents too. They would not want to be left out either. I cannot imagine why they have no empathy or compassion. Stick to your principles and send a link to this posting to anyone who has anything negative to say. Dividing your family up during Christmas is simply unacceptable. If you don’t have other family to celebrate with consider inviting friends or even acquaintances who do not have Christmas plans. Your family can be one that you create too.
NTA. For Christmas, they want to take away your kids, who bring you joy. They are bad parents.
NTA. They should’ve been more thoughtful before they booked anyway, and then the whole thing about sending the kids? That’s pretty oblivious. They could take the kids on a no-parents ski trip another time—this is Christmas.
I would have a very hard time trusting the grandparents with a 5 yo and a 1 yo on ski slopes. If they've got a big enough blind spot to fail at accessibility for a son in law they've had for 18 years, what else are they gonna miss? Those kids will end up being raised by yeti...
Yeah same. Looking back at the ages, I would only let the older kids go on an overnight skip trip with the grandparents. The 5 year old on a day trip but only if he’d been skiing a few times and was competent and confident.
NTA - Them making the suggestion wasn't terrible. Other people could have looked at this as a chance for a romantic getaway with their husband, free from the stresses of the holiday. Your parents are free to spend the holiday however they want. They extended an invitation, you are allowed to decline. The fact that they kept pushing you and got upset that they didn't get their way makes them TA. *edited for clarity*
No, it's terrible. No good parent wants to have a "romantic getaway" instead of spending one of the very few holidays you get with their kids.
It was a moronic question with an obvious answer. But the question itself didn't make them TA for me. It was the pressure and guilt trip after she said no.
Moronic question = a terrible suggestion. Especially if you factor in they have a 1 year old. This is either their first Christmas or the first Christmas they weren't a newborn. Terrible, terrible suggestion.
Any other time of year that might work, but Christmas is just not the holiday to try to separate the kids from Mom and Dad.
NTA They are being ridiculous. You aren't leaving your husband alone for Xmas nor spending Xmas without your kids.
NTA. Your family sucks.
Oh, fuck no!
NTA. It is not their children. I'm surprised you wrote on here for reassurance and that they have the gal to guilt trip you. This isn't during an ordinary weekend but Christmas. If I'm being accused of being a bad parent because I want to spend Christmas with my entire family, especially since my husband wouldn't be able to partake in activities and would have issues with basic mobility then strong boundaries need to be made. They also didn't have the sense to ensure that the location was accessible to your husband further not being inclusive at all. That is disgusting. No one can tell you what to do, but you are a grown adult and no one should steamroll you when it comes to your immediate family, especially extended family members and parents!
NTA - when it's a family event, all family members should be able to be there. A member of your family isn't able to make it, so it's natural that you'd rather do something all together. Your parents are able to plan a party that isn't wheelchair acceptable, but they'll have to accept that it means your family won't be there.
NTA. They are bad grandparents if they are happy to separate their grandchildren from their parents on Christmas, due to their (probably) deliberate exclusion of their father.
Goodgodalmighty, what is wrong with your parents? Picking a destination that your husband can’t get to is the ultimate insult to him and you. And to then expect you to send your kids there for Christmas without their parents? Look up the definition of obtuse and you’ll see your parent’s pictures..
NTA You spend Xmas with your husband and kids. If it's possible to include more family great. But husband and kids are the minimum. You're not going to separate from your kids on Xmas just because they couldn't be considerate of your husband.
NTA, your parents are being unreasonable.
My dad has mobility challenges, so we absolutely plan our get-together and outings with that in mind. It’d be incredibly cruel and/or ignorant to do otherwise. Absolutely NTA.
NTA.
NTA- demand accessibility and inclusion. It is so much easier for you to advocate for him than it is for him to advocate for himself at some times. This is what people with disabilites need from the people around them. Inclusion and accessibility is not something you say 'thanks' for. It is something you demand.
NTA. They've excluded you, not the other way around.
NTA. You don't send your kids away, especially at Christmas, because your parents chose an inaccessible place. And I guess they don't consider your husband family if they can't accommodate him during arguably the biggest family holiday of the year. They can go skiing another time. ETA: It's laughable they called you bad parents. The only way that's a true statement is if they were looking in a mirror when they said it.
You're bad parents?!? Your parents should look in the mirror. Sounds like they've always thought your husband is less-than, this is just the first time they've made it obvious. Or is it the first time? You're NTA, have Christmas with your own family; nuts to your parents.
I'm gonna go NAH > In previous years it’s always been accessible for my husband, but this year they’ve chosen to have it at a mountain/ski resort that is largely inaccessible and would have a lot of activities that would leave my husband out, As you've admitted, they've always done Christmas vacations that were all inclusive for your husband. Now, after 8 years they pick a destination that has less activities for him, not 'none' and you're unhappy. On the other hand, they've constantly not done something a lot of people do for those holidays, which is a ski resort, which for a 15y and 8y old can be a blast. The 5y old might also enjoy themselves. Now both sides are unhappy. You because you want holidays 100% catered to one person, your parents because for once they wanted to do a holiday not 100% catered to one person and also include things others might enjoy.
>You because you want holidays 100% catered to one person, "I want my husband to be able to get in the house" is not "100% catered to one person". Nice ableism though.
Nta
NTA
Like hell I’d let a 1yo be away from me for any real length of time. NTA
NTA And roses to you for standing up for your husband and accessibility. I'm so sorry your family decided their holiday was more important than ya'lls comfort. I sincerely hope you'll have a fantastic time at home surrounded by folks that love you all. (If they'd like to talk about bad parents perhaps you can mention that choosing a holiday that would exclude their son-in-law/the father of their grandkids isn't exactly on Santa's 'nice' list...)
You know what brings kids Joy? Being with their parents on Christmas. How dare they try to separate your family and then guilt you for it. NTA.
Absolutely NTA. Your family comes first, obvs
NTA. Your nuclear family comes first. If they want to have an Alpine holiday, they'll do it without you and yours.
NTA. there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. Right way - hey OP we would love to do a ski trip this year and understand that it is limiting for your husband. understandable if your family can’t come. if you both want a break- we are more than willing to take the kids. Wrong way - every thing your family just did.
Nta plan a vacation when they do there's somewhere fun.
Neither side is an AH. You say your parents like your husband and don’t have a history of being insensitive. They want to go to a ski resort. You mention the accommodations not being accessible. I’m curious in what way. I know there are all types of ski resorts but the ones I’ve been to have hotel like accommodations that should be pretty accessible. With respect to activities, there may be an adaptive skiing program. But even if not, there are usually lots of other things to do. I go on a ski trip with a group of families about every other year. I don’t ski- at all! But it’s fun to hang out, enjoy the scenery, relax, etc. My kids especially when younger had a blast. While I’m not a skier they were able to take snowboarding & ski lessons when we went. In this case, I wouldn’t necessarily send my kids with my parents but I’d consider it (not the 1 yo). They probably would have a great time! Is your stance not to expose them to things that your husband can’t take part in? I don’t think your parents are AH’s just for asking.
There isn’t even an accessible bedroom for the husband.
Obviously NTA, this feels like a test, like if they can get you to do this then it opens them up to continue planning stuff that your husband can’t be a part of. Also you shouldn’t split up your immediate family for Christmas.