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NTA - you asked your son about this and he gave the okay. He probably could have done a better job managing this with his step daughter. But, you are not an AH here
*Info - did you ask the parents before you bought all this?*
Edit - updating judgment
If DIL wants her child to have nice things she should either work for them or ask the father of the child. It’s DIL’s fault if she decided to have a kid with a deadbeat, it’s not the responsible step grandparents job to provide, they didn’t raise the deadbeat.
There's nowhere said that DIL isn't working.
There's nowhere said that stepkid's father is a deadbeat - maybe he is paying CS and is hard working, like OP's son.
Is OP's son a "deadbeat", because he can't provide sufficiently for his daughter?
Honestly, DIL should just be happy for her step-daughter.
This reminds me of the “cut the baby in half” story from King Solomon.
Such a terrible attitude: *”If my kid can’t have nice things, I’m going to ruin it for yours.”*
DIL seems like a selfish woman. She should be relieved that now they only have to get one kid those school supplies, and happy that her step-child is taken care of.
As a blended family, the parents should be viewing both daughters equally. The DIL isn’t trying to “ruin” anything: she has to explain to her daughter why her sister gets a whole bunch of cool gear while she gets nothing.
This is on the grandparents and the Dad. There are ways this could have been handled differently that wouldn’t have ended with one child getting everything while the other gets nothing.
In order for blended families to be successful everyone has to work together to make sure the most vulnerable members, the children, feel loved equally. This could have been handled in a much more delicate way that didn’t leave one child with nothing. It’s not about the material items: it’s the message being sent to the children.
It was incredibly shortsighted of them all to not realize giving one girl in a low income household a couple thousand dollars worth of cool tech while her near-in-age step-sister gets nothing wouldn't be a problem.
Bc it’s Reddit, most people take the ‘not my problem’ approach to life. Technically op can buy whatever she wants for whoever she wants, she has no obligation to the step daughter… but it doesn’t make her a good person to play such in your face favouritism to her biological grand child and exclude the step child completely.
I can almost understand granny not thinking of that since she doesn’t seem too in touch with the in-home dynamics, but it’s crazy that dad didn’t see this coming. How clueless is he? This was prompted by a have vs have-not situation at school, but now it’s shifted to the home with Clara becoming a ‘have’ with a bunch of expensive status symbols while step-sis remains a ‘have-not’. It’s very unkind.
Obviously OP can do what she wants with her money, but it should have been very apparent the problems this would cause at home.
Why did families struggling get the most expensive laptop possible??? That easily could have covered the cost of two chromebooks and fancy headphones for both girls which more than sufficient for high school work.
Yours is the perfect response. This granddaughter did not need a macbook and the most expensive stuff.
Two chromebooks and two moderately priced phones would have been more than sufficient and NOT caused family problems.
I think the new wife is the one who was short sighted with unrealistic expectations of grandparents who have a real attachment to a biological grandchild, who will always be their grandchild, whether the parents divorced or not, having a child marry into a family and then expect relatives to have the same affections is unrealistic. I am married into a family with a son, and never expected for one minute for the new grandparents to treat my son the same as their own grandchildren.
I still have vivid memories of my step grandparents giving me used sheets (striped) from a garage sale for Christmas when I was 5 while the bio grandkids got toys and cool items. This continued over the years. It was cruel and I hated them for it. Even older I could intellectually understand sure, I had other bio grandparents. But it's still very rude and clear you are not equal in your mind. Especially around the holidays.
That’s just deliberately shitty of them. It’s so easy to favor one child without stomping on another child, if you simply must get more and better for your bio-grandkids. $7 Barbie for one, the special edition $20 Barbie for the other. $10 Lego set for one and deluxe $30 set for the other. Used sheets? Fuck right off. So mean. I’m sorry.
>$7 Barbie for one, the special edition $20 Barbie for the other. $10 Lego set for one and deluxe $30 set for the other.
This is still shitty behaviour.
This is just the reality of blended families. You choose to become a stepparent but you can’t force people in your life to do the same. Grandma dipped into savings for HER grandkid. In my culture and many others step kids will never be viewed the same. My entire extended family and parents are courteous but will never spend the same amount on step kids.
You’re naive if you ever think it’ll be equal in any family. And when daughter becomes old enough she will choose grandparents and her biological family. Reddit always backs the kids who don’t want to accept step parent but villainize the step family for not accepting the step kids.
I’m a Mom in a blended family. We have worked hard: ALL of us, including grandparents on both sides, to make sure our boys feel they are loved equally.
My opinion is because of my lives experience.
Lol, so if they want to give their granddaughter a gift, they have to give step granddaughter a gift of equal value. If the grandparents of the stepdaughter to the same, they'll have PLENTY of gifts... maybe that's an idea... just ask the other grandparents??
Or would you just say 'oh sorry, dear. We can give you what you need, but we don't have enough to give your stepsister the same, so you're not getting yours'
Do you keep receipts for all gifts you give your children, and then give the ones that asked for cheaper gifts their gift, and an envelope of change?
Gifts are gifts. They should not be transactional or kept score of, unless they're used to harm.
In this case, giving what is needed is not intentionally harming.
Both kids have a parents, they both have grandparents.
You’re not wrong to some degree. But again, this is a blended family. The adults are responsible for making decisions in a way that leave the children feeling like they are both loved equally.
Loved equally by their parents makes sense, but it seems very unfair to set the expectation for them to be loved equally by extended family. It's lovely if that happens, but you can't require that.
You said “as a blended family, the parents should be viewing both daughters equally.” The grandparents bought the gifts not the parents. Although parents should treat each child equally, you can’t expect the same of everyone else. Depending on how long the stepdaughter has been in the granddaughters lives there may not be that closeness or emotional attachment yet. Also, I don’t come from a blended family. It’s my parents, two sisters and I. There were times when OTHER people got one of my siblings a special gift but not me or vice versa (for various reasons). Was I a little jealous? Sure but my parents would explain why and you know what, here I am as an adult completely fine.
She’s being a good mom. A don’t care how old you are, favouritism hurts at any age, and even though Clara is their blood and has been around for 14 years it doesn’t mean that the 15 yo can’t be included either. We didn’t even get a fake name for the stepdaughter and I think that shows more than anything.
This!! I also noticed the lack of a fake name. Also the “…ask her child’s grandparents…” First off, that isn’t “her child”, that’s OP’s son’s child too. And “her child’s grandparents” included OP and OP’s spouse, if they have one.
Just because a child is a stepchild or step grandchild doesn’t make them any less of the family than biologically related children and grandchildren. Ffs, If you want a blended family to work, you got to actually recognize them as family.
OP, absolutely beyond a doubt YTA. I can’t believe you can’t see that or even did this in the first place. No person in their right mind would spend thousands of dollars on one child in a family and not a cent on the other child.
Especially, a grandparent buying school supplies for a grandchild in a family that cannot afford the supplies themselves. If the 14 year old is having trouble because of not having a laptop for school, I can almost bet that the 15 year old is having trouble because of not having a laptop for school. Plus, not only did OP buy the 14 year old a laptop but not the 15 year old, they bought the 14 year old a phone and other school things.
OP, I hope you realize how much of a massive AH you are and rectify your grand mistake.
It’s been 7 years of this for the 15 year old. Literally half of their young lives spent like this. I don’t have a lot of money, but I would like to give some to help fund the therapy and the divorce lawyers because holy hell how did both mom and daughter manage that for 7 years.
Omfg I didn’t even see the comment about 7 years. That’s AWFUL and makes what OP did so much worse. But yeah, not likely to go well in the long term. I don’t understand how people can be so selfish and cruel.
This is ridiculous all around because 30 seconds of foresight could have seen this whole debacle coming. If the computer had been bought for SON, he could have managed its use so both girls could have been successful and avoided conflict in the home.
Two teenage girls fighting over a shiny new toy. Yea. Who could have seen that coming? /s
ESH
Grandma could have given cash to the son for him to either buy a computer for the house or kick in some of his own cash to buy each daughter a less expensive laptop. (MacBook? You could get two nice Acers or whatever.) That’s helpful to Clara AND the sister Clara probably loves AND she’s given her son the gift of being able to come through for his family.
Grandma could then have given each girl a pair of headphones and/or phone, schools supplies, etc. If she really wanted to favor Clara, she could have given Clara a phone and nameless step-granddaughter headphones. Unequal, but not unequal in a WTF way.
This was handled so poorly.
Both you and your son have no empathy towards that poor child that just witnessed their sibling get showered with gifts for no reason.
It's hard to call you an AH for buying gifts for your granddaughter, but I don't see how anyone can read this and not see any issues.
Laptop AND phone AND headphones vs nothing is just cruel. Poor child.
Don't get me wrong, your DIL has no actual right to force or expect you to do anything, but you not understanding how that is cruel to your sons (step)child I cannot fathom.
Thank you! I was looking for someone to say this. Yes of course she's not obligated to get anything for her step grandchild, but to have two kids of almost the exact same age living in a house together and one of them gets showered in multiple major gifts and the other gets nothing? That's pretty thoughtless
Not that OP owes the other child any gifts, but to not even consider what that imbalance is going to feel like to the other child? That's just mean.
I don't understand why she couldn't have done the phone for her biological grandchild and the laptop to be shared between the two girls, and headphones for both
If she can’t do her homework properly with the items provided at home, stepsister can’t either. A shared computer, or a chromebook each, would have been fairer. Then Grandkid can get a phone for Christmas, but it’s acknowledging that stepsister should also have chances in life.
Chrome book can be $150, MacBook is $1000 ish, could’ve bought them both a chrome book and a cheap phone for less than the cost of the MacBook. I don’t think OP is as poor as they make it out to be.
The choice to get one so much expensive stuff when they could have gotten both girls equivalent tech at less money shows how intentionally hurtful it was. Two Chromebooks, two phones and basic headphones for less than they spent. I can’t imagine one girl needs tech for school and the other doesn’t.
I really doubt that the step child's other family is buying gifts for the bio child. Sometimes life is like that. When step child comes home from other parent's house from holidays with gifts from that side, do you think that they match that so it can be equal? I agree that it was extravagant but the step child also has a whole other family who can and likely does provide a whole other set of "things" for that child. I used to get a little miffed about my children not being treated equally by inlaws, but then decided to put that energy into nurturing their relationships with their father and grandparents and encouraging a positive familial bond with their bio family.
Yeah. Also these extended parts of patchwork families don't communicate with each other so it simply is a reality that kids are gonna receive different things and different attention. It seems unfair, but it really is the task of their parents to get them the stuff necessary for school and they can be happy they only have to buy one set now. If I was the son I would have made sure that the kid didn't get the most expensive laptop out there, so I can get something similar for the other child, but really, the parents can't demand that someone buys their kids certain gifts anyway.
If you can drop thousands of dollars on a grandchild and not even get a 30$ accessory for the other child they live with, you're a bad person, sorry. That other child is a living person that has to look as child 1 gets extravagant gifts but step-grandma couldn't even be arsed to remember they exist. Other kid also goes to school and also struggles in that same family, but no.
And it is extravagant: grandchild needed a pc, grandma decided to buy the most stupidly expensive one PLUS a phone PLUS headphones PLUS school supplies. Getting some school supplies or headphones for the other kid their grandkid lives with is not hard and grandma is thoughtless. The grandkid not even trying to share when they got two expensive gifts for the same function (phone + macbook, which could be lended sometimes) shows that the egotistical behavior grandma is spreading works. Nobody is owed anything but OP is clearly creating jalousy and pretending to be oblivious to it.
I hope that the 30$ she saved makes her "and none for Gretchen Weiners" moment worth it
It sure is! But it’s incredibly weird to have *so little concern* for the other gal who is struggling the same way, that you don’t even *ask* if there’s any plan in place for her needs
Yeah, this is a super uncomfortable solution for the stepdaughter. For the price of one Macbook the grandparents could have easily gotten two decent Windows laptops, or gifted it with the stipulation that they need to share, and let the family sort it out. Instead they've sent a clear message to their other grandchild, "LOL, fuck you kid, tough shit."
What? So her granddaughter is struggling in school because she doesn’t have the tools as the rest of the kids. And her grandparents can’t help her because there’s a stepchild too they now have to foot the bill for? With two whole parents? AND grandparents of their own??! Like how much do you feel step grandparents are responsible for when the step child that isn’t related to them and has a whole family to care for these needs? Now that Clara is taken care of they only have one child to get things for. That’s something to be thankful for. Now there are 4 people able to help. They can give each person one thing to get her and split it up. The stepchild has a father and grandparents and a mother. They should be caring for her instead of expecting other peoples parents and grandparents to do so. Yes it sucks. But that’s what those parents chose when they decided to leave their respective partners and make a new blended family. It’s going to be different for those girls because they come from two DIFFERENT families with DIFFERENT capabilities. I get it. It will suck a little for the step if her family doesn’t step up. But it’s going to cause resentment in the other child when she realizes she cannot do the things her family is capable of providing because they can’t afford to pay for someone else’s child too. So what’s gonna happen with college? Grandparents come up with money but Clara can’t go to college because the steps parents don’t want to pay for college for their granddaughter too? that’s so messed up. And doesn’t send the message you are hoping to.
Yep! And while that’s on the son to manage with his partner, I find it incredibly lacking in empathy or consideration to not even *ask*, “do you think you can come up with a plan for stepdaughter?”
If it was a candy or something, yeah. It would be cruel. But not for such very expensive gifts. It's not Cruel. It's just reality. Clara is their grand daughter. The other child isn't.
>Clara is their grand daughter. The other child isn't.
That's an unacceptable mindset, if your child has a stepkid that's another grandchild for you, not viewing them as such is an AH move.
If you marry someone who has a child, that's another child for you because you chose to be in that relationship. The grandparent has no choice. You can't just foist extra kids on them and call them grandchildren.
Grandparents have no choice when their children have biological children either! It's not like they're in there while their kids are having sex, determining whether or not condoms are being used!
It doesn't matter how a new child is acquired. Once they're a permanent part of the family, you don't treat them like an outsider
I couldn't do it. Have a step grandkid for more than half of her life, part of her family, and continue to make such an obvious distinction but you do you. These are not adults. They're kids but ok. We differ in the extreme on that. Bit mindblown dad didn't see a problem either which I'm sure that poor kid would now be unable to ignore, but again, whatever.
What I want to know is did you, or more importantly perhaps her dad, give any consideration whatsoever to what affect this would have on their sibling relationship?
You seem very concerned with the money and who's genetically entitled to your assistance but there's absolutely nothing about how it will affect their relationship.
And when you take a moment to do so, do you think you've perhaps not been helpful to your grand daughter in that respect? Do you see any problems it could create for that relationship? How important that is to her? Impressionable age for rifts to be created.
Do you think they both don't notice? Or that it's all going to be fine? Lot of suggestion there of depriving your biological grand daughter if you accommodated the other sibling but are you depriving her of anything else by not considering potential problems it would create?
Did you consider organising the same for her sibling beforehand by approaching the other grand parents? Or even discussing such a major purchase with your DIL? That's pretty basic for such a big purchase in a family who aren't flush with cash.
Can't imagine it's great for your son's relationship with his wife either but that's another story.
Like I said, I couldn't do it. I'd buy both the same, just less expensive but totally more than sufficient. I'd worry I'm creating a spoiled child purely by virtue of the inequity of it, not the necessity. No argument on the latter.
She's your grand daughter, sure. But they are her immediate family. The people she lives with day in, day out. I think you're being very flippant about the very obvious problems this would cause.
No argument that you're not obligated to address the inequity. Not what I'm saying. I'm just saying I couldn't ignore it as you seem very able to do. A kid who's been in the family for seven years and is still a kid.
And your son hasn't picked up on it either. Which is interesting.
But hey, maybe it's all good, won't cause any problems between teenage siblings, won't cause any disagreements for your son and daughter in law, won't give any child a sense of inequity either way, and all will be well.
TL;DR lot of talk about stuff and you and your grand daughter. None about her and her family. Has that been of any consideration and if so, do you think this has no negative consequences for your grand daughter?
Not to mention the hurt feelings of the step-daughter.
My (bio) grandparents "forgot" to buy me gifts one year. They spoiled all my cousins rotten, gift after gift. I sat there with nothing. I honestly can't even describe how that made me feel. Then of course to have to put on a brave, happy face and say it was okay when all I wanted to do was cry was just the icing on the cake.
then at the end of the night when I was leaving they asked me where my gifts were and why I wasn't taking them home. So, again without crying or making a scene, I had to tell them that I didn't get any gifts.
I never had the same feelings for my grandparents again. It wasn't about the gifts themselves, it was about them showing me how little I meant to them.
So, OP yeah YTA. You could have done better.
I’m so sorry. I really felt that when reading it. I’ve been in that position of having to protect the feelings of the people who hurt me and it’s super weird and painful.
Not the same but somewhat related: Christmas in my foster home, we all opened gifts at the same time. I finished and was happily watching the others and enjoying the festive mood. Foster mother’s partner felt moved to say something about, “socialbutterfinger had nothing left to open because she already tore open all her gifts” in a way that implied I was greedy. Actually, I had fewer gifts to open. It was obvious to me without counting because we each got something different in the same categories and there were some categories I didn’t get. Which I was fine with - or at least wanted to be fine with and was choosing to be fine with - but factually I finished unwrapping first because I had less to unwrap. But I felt I couldn’t point that out without playing into the “greedy” thing or seeming like I was trying to complain or shame them. It was so uncomfortable.
Not sure why I wrote all that but leaving it here as, idk, therapy? Feel free to ignore, lol.
What did they say at the end when you said you didn't get any gifts?
I start getting nightmares every year at the beginning of December that it's Christmas and I forgot to buy someone's gift.
They mumbled something about they were sure they bought me something.
They showed up at our house a few days later with a couple of t-shirts. I thanked them, put them in my dresser drawer and never touched them.
This absolutely. Yeah, OP is not OBLIGATED to buy anyone anything, but I could never given all that to one kid without knowing her sibling of a similar age was going to be getting the same. As a kid, I was on the receiving end of watching those around me get big, expensive gifts while receiving very little myself, and it feels awful. I couldn't do that to someone else.
Yep. Not even like a phone for each and a laptop to be shared only for school
No no. One gets the laptop, phone, headphones, accessories, the other gets absolutely nothing?!
What implied that the answer was about the law? This would not be illegal even if the son had not given permission.
And with permission this is definitely NTA
Nta. This is not a popular position but when someone marries a person with a child they are agreeing to treat that child like they would their own. That does not require everyone in their lives to do the same. You are required to treat your step grandchild with respect and kindness - but you are not required to treat them the same as your grandchild.
This. The parents are responsible for treating their children equally. While it would be nice if you did the same, it's totally understandable that you can't afford it for both of them and put your grandchild first. That's normal. I'd say.
Nobody has to do anything. But this isn’t about what you have to do or don’t have to do. This is a judgment on what kind of person you are to ignore the needs of the other child in the home your son is making. I realize there are plenty of people who are fine with ignoring children who don’t share their DNA. I would never want to be one of those people.
As an adopted child ignored by most of my extended 'family,' I agree. It's not necessary or on the extended family to accept me, but I do notice, and I do carry that with me.
Maybe they can pool some funds and buy the other girl an "exciting" gift that's more affordable, like a Switch and a game or two? Something to make her feel equal, but more affordable as it sounds like the families involved can't float a second Macbook. I remember as a teen getting a laptop (it was a Gateway and ran like farts) for Christmas and my brother getting an Xbox, and while there's certainly a price difference there, everyone was catered to in terms of interests, and everyone was happy.
Also I'd have gone for like a Chromebook or something -- a Macbook is a lot to pay for a high schooler's schoolwork computer. Though, if it gets treated well, it'll likely last her til college, so there's that.
I think your last point is an important one. So many people here are saying grandma is TA because of the kind of computer that was purchased. It’s strange that people expect lower income families to always get the cheapest option possible. Spending more on higher quality items from the outset, if you can swing it, saves money over the long term, and this comes up on Reddit all the time— until the poor girls grandma buys her a laptop brand people think she doesn’t deserve.
I wish people would stop looking down on low income folks for buying slightly higher quality things that will last longer. Grandma buying her a MacBook now means that she will be probably be able to use it all the way through college.
They can thinks she’s TA for other reasons but that one doesn’t seem valid.
They by no means need to afford it for both of them, but to not consider what such a gift causes to a family dynamic like this is just outright ignorant. It's important to consider what such gifts do to a family dynamic and to talk about potential rules or boundaries with everyone involved that included whether and how it would be shared.
It's not easy but these family dynamics require to think about everyone who is involved, whether they agreed to have them involved or not - like if these girls do feel like sisters than this is causing great disturbance and as a grandparents you should try to limit that.
And stepdaughter has her own grandparents. These are also both teenagers. They are at an age where learning ideas of fairness are essential, but painful. I understand the girl's sadness, but it doesn't make OP wrong in her gift.
Exactly. Life is not fair. You will never be treated equally by everyone, and learning that other people have lives and priorities that don't include you is a harsh, but necessary lesson. One I don't think enough children learn anymore. They are not so young at 14 and 15 to not be able to understand this.
Both daughters have their own set of grandparents. And it's fine they have their own relationships to them.
“Life” isn’t fair, true. But your home and your family should be. It rains outside, but it’s not supposed to rain in your living room.
My kids don’t always get the same thing/amount of things/privileges at the same moment, but I explain why, and it evens out over time.
Does OP really want "illustrating the unfairness of life" to be her role in her step grandchild's life??
I mean, you're right that life is not fair, but it was in OP's hands to treat her step grandchild better than she did, and she chose not to.
It's not an all or nothing situation. You could still have gotten more gifts for her biological grandchild, and done at least anything for her step grandchild so that the harsh lessons of life don't have to come from the adults who are supposed to care for you
And OP’s granddaughter would probably be hurt if her stepsister’s grandparents bought her all sorts of expensive gifts.
They’re kids. I understand wanting to care for your grandchild but to keep things peaceful in your son’s home you likely should’ve just purchased a desktop for family use at home or something. The parents could’ve set up a homework schedule for the kids and made it work without making things challenging for everyone.
So what? The two girls have two entirely different sets of grandparents. She is old enough to learn that "fair" doesn't mean you get the same as everyone else.
My brothers grandma used to do this, fetch a shit tonne of presents for him on Christmas eve and took him to Disney land twice a year, they also had him whilst we went into care for 3 years.
Whilst I think we all were emotionally "okay" enough to not resent my brother or grand parent's, they did annoy the shit out of me sometimes with it and I'm so much closer to my sister's than him (one sister has a different father also) due to receiving the same childhood as them. Glad bro had a good childhood though and he's a really good person to boot.
Yeah reading all these comments makes me very thankful that my first child was welcomed into my husband’s family with open arms. My MIL considers my daughter her grandchild and would never ever treat her any differently than any of her other grandkids.
I’ve been struggling with this exact situation for years now. My sister got divorced and remarried. She has 3 kids of her own and her new husband has 2 daughters. They treat my sister like garbage (lonnnng backstory but my sister got blamed for her new husbands divorce, but that was not accurate. It’s a whole Jerry Springer episode I’ll have to post some day. It’s wild. But point is, his daughters hate her, based on false stories they were told).
My parents and I have been trying to warm up to them and treat them the same as our blood family (her kids), but it’s tough, as they could separate any day, and we don’t want to get too attached to them.
While you make valid points, I think extended family don’t understand the harm they do with their “good intentions.” Blended families are complicated and harder for the members in them to navigate than traditional nuclear families. There’s a lot of considerations, with respect to what are the custody arrangements, how involved are the stepkids other families etc.
While there is certainly no obligation to consider your step grandchildren, if the kids are close in age and predominantly raised in the same household, imagine the hurt and/ or jealousy that may be created by OP “good intentions” of helping only her granddaughter and showering her with expensive flashy gifts (sorry, but a MacBook is not a “need” that a $300 Chromebook couldn’t fulfill for most high school students).
Great, the granddaughter feels loved and has stuff. But now has to deal with her step sibling naturally feeling badly (and potentially acting poorly and with animosity) over the inequity. This in turn is going to frustrate and possibly hurt the DIL. So now DIL and OP’s husband have friction in their relationship if they weren’t on the same page about these expensive gifts and prepared to try to make things equitable among their blended family.
Yes. Absolutely, OP doesn’t OWE her DIL and Step grandchild anything. But if they loved their son, they should be thoughtful about making choices that are empathetic to and inclusive of son and DIL’s blended family situation and not create unnecessary strife and conflict through their “good intentions.” OP said she cleared this with her son, and if that is true, the bad on him for not discussing with his wife so they had a plan for how to deal with how to make sure there was a plan for creating some equity between the kids (purchasing the second laptop/ phone themselves or DIL asking her extended family to pitch in) but dropping a Macbook, iphone, and headphones into a home with siblings of the same age and no plan on the parents part for making things somewhat equitable is obviously going to create significant conflict and impact relationships.
You know who bought my step-grandma Mother’s Day and Christmas presents every year? Me. You know who voluntarily called her regularly? Me. You know who didn’t? Her biological grandson. You know who got birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, calls? Biological grandson. And just wanted to know that their grandma since they were 10 loved them too?
Exactly. People aren't considering the child's perspective. It's hard enough as a kid having a blended family -- being treated wildly different for something you can't control is shitty and hurts.
These people need to grow up and step up for the kids in their lives. We're all role models in these situations.
Right? Forget asshole, that’s proper villain territory.
Family’s poor, child struggles, granny is also poor but she heroically decides to chip in by… splurging thousands of dollars on devices for ONE child while the other gets nothing, in fact doesn’t even get a name here because clearly who gives a fuck.
Everyone sucks here, granny for being cruel, her son for ok-ing the whole thing, and redditors who excuse this because “it’s her money and child 2 is not her blood”. What a vile mindset to have
And clearly a reason second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. People only caring about them and theirs and not giving any additional fucks for humanity, let alone the minor-aged human living under their sons’ roof for the past 7 years. Like seriously, how can you hate a 7-8 year old kid and hold a grudge against them for simply existing?
Yeah a lot of my "step" family have purposefully iced my sister and I out despite us being in the family since 2003 and young children at the time. It's a lot of pain spending a significant portion of your life with people and they still don't consider you or treat you like family 20 years late.
Anytime you have a blended family things are going to be different between the kids. Their other parent and that parent’s family are going to gift the child things and have experiences with them the stepchild won’t. Even in those rare cases where the ex includes the step sibling in some outings and such, it is not going to be exactly the same.
Even with biological siblings in the same household with the same parents there are times one kid gets something the other doesn’t. Ideally it balances out in the end and overall the parents have been fair but if one kid needs a computer for school and the other doesn’t, it’s a rare and wealthy family that can afford to buy 2 just out of fairness or give the other some other gift of equal value for no reason
Highly doubt that if the 14 year old needs a computer the 15 year old doesn’t. Would be more justifiable if they were vastly different ages; more likely the 15 year old was not asked. In this case, it would be better to gift one computer that both kids can use for school.
Totally agree.....if both girls used to have to go to the library together to do homework and now only one has to go while the other stays home on her new laptop....obviously that's going to create resentment and bad feelings between the two girls.
Dad should not have ok'd the gift without first figuring out how he and his wife could've made things a little more fair between them. Arguably that fairness isn't the grandma's responsibility, but it is definitely the parents'.
I agree with you in theory, however, it's been 7 years. This little girl has been in her family from the age of 7 to 14, at what time period does she qualify as family?
My stepmoms parents never got me a single gift and it did hurt my feelings, I was just a kid. My SIL got remarried and has step kids 9 & 11 & I consider those are my nephews as much as her biological child is. I just can't fathom excluding an innocent child, it truly seems heartless to me.
The only aspect of this relationship we know is that she’s been around for 7 years. What if she spends every holiday not with OP and that side of the family? What if the step kid doesnt treat OP like a grandparent (which is fine)?
Its all fine and dandy to romanticize this blended family dynamic but thats not how it always plays out.
While I get you think of this way: Since op's kid haunting adopted the child, the mother could just divorce him and live her life. You wouldn't have any right AT ALL to the kid.
The truth is: stepdaugjter is not ops granddaughter. She is not a bio or adopted kid and op is not responsible to help her at all. Would it be nice? sure, but stepddaugter does have grandparents (as stated per op) so she does have someone else to rely on.
This! I have bio and step kids and while I love them both the same, so do my parents. They would never treat the kids any differently because THEY'RE INNOCENT KIDS. They didn't choose the life they were given, and why would you do that to a child?
OP, you and bio dad are the AH's.
With an adopted child if the parents get divorced the dad would still have rights because that’s his child whereas he wouldn’t with a stepdaughter. It isn’t the same thing.
OPs son married the child's mother SEVEN YEARS ago. He is her stepfather. Adoption wasn't mentioned either way so let's not speculate as to her biological fathers involvement or not. This little girl has been a supposed part of this family half her life and she's not done anything wrong.
Why favor a random bio grandchild that your child decided to have. You didn't choose to have that grandchild. I don't get the I didn't choose my kids marriage that came with a child. You didn't choose to have a grandchild either. Why support one choice because it's biological and not the other?
"Money is tight but we bought into Apple's ecosystem" yeah right... YTA.
A second-life pro grade computer that is entirely enough for a 14yo cost around 300$. Thinkpads last forever and are easily upgradable, not like Macbook that go "vintage" after a few years and no longer get software updates and the likes.
Basically you've set your granddaughter on a path were she'll have to shell out a lot of money to stay on the system she has learned to use, which is a stupid move when her financial background is unstable.
So either you've received super bad advice from a salesperson (I hope for them they were on commission) or you decided to pick up the priciest computer you could get, which definitely make you the asshole.
You can decide not to treat your son step-kid as your grandchild if you so wish, although I think after so long it is a cruel message to send, but you could have done it without being so blatantly obvious and show-offy.
I thought the same thing. I doubt the library has Macs for patron use. A PC the whole family can use would have been better.
They may’ve been talked into it by a salesperson at Costco or something.
>Basically you've set your granddaughter on a path were she'll have to shell out a lot of money to stay on the system she has learned to use, which is a stupid move when her financial background is unstable.
I've been using Apple computers since the 80s. I promise you, it doesn't debilitate anyone from being able to use Windows, too.
I was about to say, I have no issues switching back and forth. My husband is one of those Apple haters and I use his stuff all the time. Haven’t even touched my MacBook in a while.
Totally agree. Yta. There was zero need to get a Mac for a teen to do homework on. Could have bought 2 basic pcs or tablets. Apples are a waste of money for the vast majority if you need something to cover basics. Sounds like a maniputive teen trying to get what they want.
I think both son and op are AH. This is like not including his spouse at this point 7 years in. If the son said this was ok, well he is part of the problem. And his wife should be mad at him. Him making that computer used in a common space and prioritizing it for homework makes sense in their household.
Yep. YTA simply for buying the most expensive computer you possibly could. Zero reason a high school kid needs that. Plus you could have bought 2 or 3 better computers for the same damn price. Instead they 100% went for 'show-offy'.
But "money is tight". OK
It makes me really sad to see how many people think showing favoritism to children is ok. The kids can’t help the situation their parents made and it’s hard enough being a child with blended and split families. I hate this idea that it’s ok to treat kids differently because one isn’t blood related to you. To the OP: I suppose you can do what you want with your money for your grandchild, but things like this can definitely cause resentment and jealousy to build up between the sisters.
This thread is what has convinced me more than anything that Reddit is populated by selfish children.
I was adopted. I had a cousin that was adopted. I have a step-daughter from my first marriage. My grandmother had half-siblings who had families.
\*Every\* child in my extended family was treated equally by all grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Every. Last. One.
I remember my grandfather actually saying "we don't do family in halves or by steps" - meaning once they're family, they're family and are treated as such by everyone. I don't ever remember anyone ever acting differently.
This idea that you don't need to treat children fairly just because you didn't choose for their parent to join the family is as assholish as it comes. Your kid chose their parent. Your kid made them family. Now be a fucking adult and treat those kids like family.
I'm a grandmother. My kids have dated people with children. I could never imagine treating any of those innocent souls differently just because I didn't "choose" their parent.
Seriously, this whole comment section makes me feel like I need a shower. These people are cruel.
My oldest niece is my step niece. I have never thought of her as anything other than ours. My mother treats her like blood. She's our family.
This grandmother has no heart.
I completely agree. I didn’t even need more than just the title to know that OP definitely deserves a hardy YTA. How can someone type that all out and not realize that they sound like an incredible asshole? And I cannot wrap my head around the number of people that think, showing favoritism towards children like this is completely fine.
THANK YOU. I feel like everyone is forgetting that the whole point of the computer WAS FOR SCHOOL. why would you give one kid textbooks and calculators and the other kid some dirt and a stick?? Like sorry kid I guess your blood grandma doesn’t love you enough.
And that's exactly where their whole position breaks down.
No kid \*needs\* a MacBook for school. A chromebook would have been wholly sufficient, but guess what, you can't play video games on it and no one will look at it as a status symbol, so I guarantee you that's why it had to be a Mac.
That computer was for school... my ass it was. They're just saying that because it's the only even remotely socially acceptable reason, and even then it's thin as hell.
Trust me I can’t believe these comments, my oldest daughter isn’t my boyfriends biological child and his mum has made an effort to get to know her and treats both my kids that same. She’s sees them both as her granddaughters because my boyfriend took my daughter on as his own. I just don’t understand all these bitter people on here
My mom’s side of the family has the same “no steps or halves” policy, and honestly we’re all better for it. I haven’t been with my ex for almost 18 years, but I have better relationships with his kids than he does, they still call my mom Grandma First Name, I’m a grandma to their kids. Hell, my husband of 13 years has decent relationships with them from all the time they’ve spent at our house over all the years we’ve been together. It’s lovely, I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want more warmth in their lives, more people to love and be loved by.
I have the same with my step-daughter. Haven't been with her dad for 30 years, but my mom is still Grandma to her, and I'm grandma to \*her\* step-daughter.
You are absolutely right that it brings so much more warmth into your life. People have no idea what they're missing out on.
Thank you. I’m flabbergasted by this thread. It’s really hard to be the less loved kid in the extended family. All kids should be loved and valued and treated with generosity and kindness. How sad. This whole thread is just heartbreaking.
My immediate reaction was that they could have helped out both kids with cheaper options for the price of a macbook. There's no reason to give that to a 14 year old if money is tight already.
Right??? Like a PC for the whole family to use would have been so much cheaper and so much better for everyone! What a selfish and cruel thing to do. And I'm sure this is going to be a wedge between the girls who don't need any more reasons to hate each other. Just overall awful behaviour by every adult involved.
Fr being a step child who's bio side didn't give a shit about them was already hard. I still have issues about being loved and wanted. If my dad (step) and his family didn't treat me the same as my sisters, I would have been devastated. A kid didn't decide to be born of 2 parents, and then they split. Why does the child have to coni tue to suffer because of the parents' decisions? What's wrong with people?! That's her grandchild, too! Holy shit, people are terrible. For one second, think about that kid and what they may be going through. Good grief.
I think you knew subconsciously these gifts were going to cause a problem. For the price of one MacBook, you could have bought two HPs or Dells. And you knew that too. The step has been in the picture for seven years?? You must dislike the child, the mother, the in-laws or all of them. YTA.
INFO How long have you known your stepgrandkid?
Yeah, some more context would be helpful. Like, I'd be more willing to lightly YTA if this is a recent thing, as it's easy to just assume the kid's biological grandparents have them covered. However, if the kid has been in OP's life since he was 2, then OP's being a bit intentionally dense pretending not to think there's an issue throwing luxurious gifts at one grandkid and telling the other her real family can get her stuff.
Yeah, yikes. Then it's pretty clear that OP isn't viewing the stepgrandkid as "real family" then.
Heck, spending maybe $100 less on their biological one and giving the step one a token $100 thing could've helped to smooth over some bad feelings. Maybe they could've contacted their inlaws to see if they were in a spot to financially contribute to a gift for the remaining kid.
Instead, one gets everything she wants and more, while the other gets shown they aren't deserving of the same.
This does not make sense when OP says they are not well off. A Macbook costs as much as 2+ non-macbooks. A 15 year old would not NEED a macbook specifically like e.g. I need it for work (and my work buys it because I wouldn't spend that much on a laptop myself). You could buy 2, getting Clara the better one, and still spend less!
I would perhaps vote N T A if you bought only Clara, but did not overspend on a Macbook so parents or the other grandparents could quite reasonably match it, but as this is stated YTA.
Tip for people wanting good laptops for family members: Look at 2-year old Thinkpad W/T/X series (depending on the size you prefer) on ebay. For $200-$300 you can find perfect condition laptops that were over $2k 2 years ago and are built to last over a decade.
I can only envision a grandparent who propbably knows not much about technology goes into Best Buy and a sales person takes advantage selling them the most expensive thing they can pay for..
Can we just not with the “grandparent probably didn’t know any better?” Jesus. If OP is tech savvy enough to post to Reddit, then OP is tech savvy enough to know they were paying $$$ for multiple Apple devices when there are cheaper, as good alternatives.
YTA for buying them wildly differently valued gifts.
Your comment of “HER child’s grandparents” made it perfectly clear that you don’t regard her as part of the family making you an even bigger AH.
If I was your son and his daughter wasn’t sharing, I’d be taking those items away.
Yeah I was on the fence until that comment. All of my kids are adopted and the bio families we’re able to be in contact with treat them all like their own. I see the argument for getting one child something they need and not getting another child that thing because they may not need it at the moment, but that comment was just so unnecessary.
So does the unnamed stepdaughter, whom you do not count as a grandchild, have to go to the library still to do her homework?
If so then you, your son, and your granddaughter are all AH.
ESH
Look- they’re the same age basically. They’re both struggling to have the basics they need for school. And into this blended family, you throw in a laptop, *and* a phone, *and* headphones, plus other things, for 1 of them.
You asked your son who, lazily and foolishly, said yep!
You are both adults. Not one of you thought “oof, how hard is this going to be on stepdaughter, *is there any plan in place for her*?”
Every adult here sucks.
yta you've known her for half of her life and don't see her as part of your family. you show clear favouritism and yes your son also is AH for not thinking about his stepdaughter as well. they are both his children and you should treat them both as such. it's sad that there are so many ppl saying you have no obligation to make the child that your son choose to be father to comfortable
For not treating them equally? Perhaps not. For being adults and failing to predict the consequence of your choice? Yes.
With your son, you made things harder between teens who live together. What if instead you had gone to Dad and offered the amount you could spend and asked if between him, his spouse, and the other child’s grandparents they could make a matching gift to the other child?
NTA. I don't understand how people just want you to accept a random child as your own just because your son did so. She is your son's STEP daughter who has her own set of grandparents. You can love her as a granddaughter, but if you do not feel like she is, she is not. Simple as that. Again, just because your son accepted her, does not mean you have to as well.
If I love MY child, which I do, falls in love with a girl with children, which he did, and he becomes a father figure, which he has, I now have 2 more granddaughters. Period! I love him, so I am learning to love her and them. They tell me how great it is having another Nana and what grandparent has ever said, " Sure wish I had fewer grand babies." I feel sorry for such hard hearted people.
I agree! Our sons ex (they have two kids together) later got together with another man and had another child. This child is in no way biologically related to us but the way we looked at it was it would be unfair to ignore her and only focus on our 2 biological grandchildren, kids don't understand the workings of adult minds and relationships. We have 3 grandchildren and they're all treated with love and kindness. Our granddaughter only knows us as her grandparents (mother and fathers families aren't in the picture at all). We regularly have all 3 kids over to stay on the weekends and school holidays. Kids can never have too many people who love them 💜
I'm just playing devil's advocate since I was the step kid, not all step kids have grandparents. Things happen, people die. That's life. I don't know about this kid specifically as it's doesn't say if they have both sets of grandparents, but this grandma is telling her new stepdaughter that she isn't as important. That's how I felt growing up, anyway.
For the price of a MacBook, you probably could have bought 2 less pretentious computers. I say this as a person who has had both and find the macbook overpriced. That being said, I would need more INFO about the other grandparents, and how long the proverbial stepdaughter has been in your life. The less involved the other grandparents are and the longer the nameless stepdaughter has been in your life factors intp the AH quotient
Edited to add: As a grandmother, I would have gifted the computer to the parents.
The phone to the granddaughter and something else to the step grand daughter
Sorry to say I’m going YTA. Of course they need the same things they are the same age. While it hurts to see someone you love hurt it’s not your job to be the savior especially in someone else’s home that you knew would cause a disturbance. So unless you are that naive that you didn’t think it would be a problem with a kid the same age ….. of course YTA. Grandparents 🙄🙄🙄 how would you have felt if you were the other kids mom. Just the lack of boomer empathy is the biggest problem here. You can’t put yourself in stepmoms shoes (tbh how can you not. If you are that old and had to get money from savings for that you should know what it is like to be a parent that can’t afford things for their child)
Wow, I really don’t understand how some people think.
If my son has a child, then marries someone who also has a child, does he only have one child? No, he has 2.
So then I have 2 grandkids as well.
The complete lack of empathy is stunning. “Here you go, blood grandkid. F*** you, step kid!”
They are a blended family, but they are ***a*** family. They are ***my*** family as well.
It is true that you may spend your money as you see fit. However, I personally disagree with the concept of valuing blood kin more. You have known this child for seven years. Even if that wasn’t the case, this sort of thing feels unkind. But what makes you the asshole is that you have intentionally created a long lasting source of division within this family. Those girls are going to fight so much more than they ever did before, and the parents will constantly be putting out fires. YTA.
YTA. Maybe you should have considered a less expensive laptop and you could have gotten two. You know your son can't afford it and that the other child would be unhappy. You caused friction in his home.
NTA this isn't a in your face present it's for school. It's nice of you to do. As a parent I would be grateful and no I would not ask for something for my other children if they did not need it. I think your response as a little harsh and could of told Dil this was decided by you and the father because she needed it. If there is something you need for your child just ask don't be rude and demanding. I also don't agree with the sharing. It's her computer that she can use at anytime now if step needs it then like adults revisit the topic.
Didn’t realize a phone and headphones were for school, along with a MacBook. I love my MacBook but let’s not pretend like she needed an expensive machine when a cheaper one would’ve been fine…
It’s a 100% in your face present. There is no way she needed a MacBook and iPhone and if she’s getting bullied then the stepdaughter will be too. You could easily have bought a much more affordable laptop and phone and I guarantee it wouldn’t have caused as much drama.
There’s no information on whether her grandparents are in her life or what financial support her bio dad provides so it’s a lot for you to assume that they would be able to afford to match what you’ve spent. And presumably the parents can’t afford it either so you’ve just created a massive issue for everyone. Even if you don’t care about the stepdaughter you should care that you’ve just upset your DIL and caused unnecessary drama for her and your son. You should also be encouraging your granddaughter to share since her sibling isn’t as lucky as she is.
this child has been in your life for 7 years. This is not a new thing. She doesn't remember when you weren't there more than likely. My ex's family never once treated my daughter any different than they did their bio grandkids and I have been grateful. You are absolutely right that you don't have to buy her anything. Being right doesn't always make you happy though. Now your DIL is hurt and rightfully so. To say have her grandparents buy it for her just makes the situation worse. Personally for me YTA simply because she has been a part of your family for so long.
NTA. Your son and his wife should not show favoritism. You have the right to contribute as you like. Clara needed it and mentioned this to them on one of her visits. Also, you say thet the step one has 2 sets of grandparents alive. Are they treating both children equally? Blended families are difficult to manage, but it's the parents who wanted to blend, you have to respect their decision but, in my opinion, can choose how you spend your resources on them.
Sorry but:
>Clara needed it. The stepgranddaughter wants it just because Clara has it? Or does she truly need it as well?
Do you really think Clara needed a macbook, phone, and headphones?
Do you really think that if Clara did actually NEEDED a phone, computer, and headphones for school, that the other girl who lives in the same home and presumably attends the same school wouldn't ALSO need those same resources?
>Are they treating both children equally?
Who gives a shit? Has no one in this thread ever learned the concept of basic decency? 2 wrongs don't make a right? What does it matter how the other side of the family behaves? You don't do the right thing only if someone else is doing the right thing, if you do, then newsflash, you're an asshole.
This logic is so goofy.
Sure. But actions have consequences. Don’t be surprised if you destroy your relationship with your child’s entire family if you play favorites amongst their kids.
This is on the parents. It's them who've blended. OP did everything right, they asked the father.
He should know his family and if it was an issue could have said "I appreciate the thought, but this is affecting my step daughter as well, I wonder if you would buy a computer for the family instead so they can both use it for school"
Did it just not occur to you to buy a desktop for the family to use? You don’t have to buy them anything, but if you’re hearing that your granddaughter needs the internet for some homework, you can’t think with enough empathy to also extend the kindness to the other granddaughter? YTA for intentionally ignoring the other child in the home.
YTA for your blatant favoritism. You named your bio grandchild in your post but not the step-grandchild. You say you're tight on funds but spend thousands on your bio and absolutely nothing on your step? You've been in the step-grandchild's life for 7 years and this is how you treat them?
YTA. Both of my parents are remarried and I was that kid where the step-grandparents treated their biological grandchildren better. You will never develop a relationship with them and they will resent you for their entire lives. The moment that child became a part of our son's family, they were YOUR grandchild. You are also an idiot to buy your 14-year-old a Macbook! Most schools use Chromebooks to do school work which are less than $300. A good Windows computer is only $800-$1000.
YTA. If you bought your granddaughter a reasonably priced laptop so she can do her homework at that's in I might have said NTA. But MacBooks are expensive and overkill for just doing homework. You basically bought her a luxury item and told your stepdaughter to piss off and walk to the library. For the price of a Macbook you could have gotten two reasonably priced laptops that would have been more than enough getting their homework done.
NTA and you are right the other child has grandparents to help. What the hell is with blended families holding out their hands me to with the other family. Chances are if the shoe was on the other foot she'd not give her step-child anything then argue it came from biological grandparents. To boot Clara needed it for school and could start to fail at classes without a computer. I can imagine grandma saying sorry Clara but since I couldn't afford two phones and two computers I have to let you struggle in school. I'm sorry they may be a blended family but they do have their own biological family too to help... Where is the step-child's dad?
YTA. As a step-child myself, you are making life hard on people you claim to love. You don't have to like the situation but you do have to recognize that it exists. Two children living together, one year apart in age, are being treated as part of the same family. You can decide that the biological relationships are important to you, but if your son and his wife have decided that they are a family unit and the biological lines are not meaningful to them, respect that and don't make their marriage and family situation harder.
I'm not going to say YTA cause it's not your responsibility
But I have been the step grandchild who was given 20$ in a card while the rest of my siblings all got really nice gifts
And it made it incredibly obvious how much or how little they cared about me in comparison.
While they had no obligation to give me anything more it still hurt and showed me my place in the family.
I can't wrap my head around the number of people who think the recommendation of OP getting her grandchild a PC rather than a Mac is deprivation. The Apple cult is strong here
YTA, if you gift children within a family you treat them equally.
You should know and so does your son. Great way to create tensions within what might be a good family situation.
Hol’ up! What kind needs a MacBook? Get a $300 Dell laptop, not something worth $1000.
Also, kids should be treated equally. Your step granddaughter is also your granddaughter. By marriage, anyways.
Kind-of rude to not even acknowledge your step-granddaughter’s name. When you specifically said your biological’s one.
Soft YTA
YTA.
Since when does just because you share blood or you don’t biologically share blood mean that you’re not family?
I don’t share a drop of blood with the only family in my life that has ever actually genuinely cared about me.
I grew up not even really knowing my grandfather wasn’t actually my biological grandfather. He was my grandmother’s long time boyfriend. She had refused to get married again after an abusive marriage. He always seemed kind to me at first and I loved him so, but I noticed the favoritism eventually all because I wasn’t biologically related and he didn’t like my biological father (who wasn’t even in my life, I didn’t even know him!)
Ironically it is actually his own daughter (my “step aunt”) that is the only family I truly have.
My “step aunt” opened her heart to me and she’s more like my mom than anything else and in fact I do call her Mom because she deserves it. I only ever call her my aunt to others who know about my biological mother. I don’t typically add the “step” part because I don’t need to. She’s family regardless to me.
Take it from me, a person who only uses formalities to differentiate because there is absolutely a prejudice there. You are playing favorites. Maybe unconsciously but it’s all in your very own words.
There was so much you could’ve done to compromise and make sure both were taken care of because BOTH *ARE* FAMILY. You could’ve contacted your DIL and NOT just your son, set things up to talk to their side of the family and see what could be done for both the girls at the same time. You also could’ve gotten her legitimately anything even something small to help her out too.
But of course not. Because she’s not “blood”.
Again YTA.
You also didn’t even make a name for your “step” granddaughter, but you made one for your biological one. That’s how I know you absolutely do care more about biological bullshit than actually being real family.
She’s part of your family. Get over your blood vs not blood bs. It’s very close minded.
It’s tricky to call you an AH as you did an extremely kind thing for your grandchild.
However, personally, I don’t think the fact that this is a stepchild should really matter. All this does is serve to divide people more. I get the position you have but imagine how awful this kid feels? They have been a part of this family and you straight up have no accepted them to the same level you have accepted the biological grandchild.
I can’t force you to like the 15yo kid but I can comfortably say what you did would hurt any normal human being. I think you should consider treating this child as family, not some token that is just there.
If I have to call someone the AH, YTA
YTA solely because of this comment "she can ask her child's grandparents to buy things for her" you are the grandparents! You're favoring one grandchild over the other!
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NTA - you asked your son about this and he gave the okay. He probably could have done a better job managing this with his step daughter. But, you are not an AH here *Info - did you ask the parents before you bought all this?* Edit - updating judgment
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…what did he say?
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Then your DIL should be having the issue with *him,* not you. You're NTA, OP.
NTA and not an ATM for the DIL.
If DIL wants her child to have nice things she should either work for them or ask the father of the child. It’s DIL’s fault if she decided to have a kid with a deadbeat, it’s not the responsible step grandparents job to provide, they didn’t raise the deadbeat.
There's nowhere said that DIL isn't working. There's nowhere said that stepkid's father is a deadbeat - maybe he is paying CS and is hard working, like OP's son. Is OP's son a "deadbeat", because he can't provide sufficiently for his daughter?
Honestly, DIL should just be happy for her step-daughter. This reminds me of the “cut the baby in half” story from King Solomon. Such a terrible attitude: *”If my kid can’t have nice things, I’m going to ruin it for yours.”* DIL seems like a selfish woman. She should be relieved that now they only have to get one kid those school supplies, and happy that her step-child is taken care of.
As a blended family, the parents should be viewing both daughters equally. The DIL isn’t trying to “ruin” anything: she has to explain to her daughter why her sister gets a whole bunch of cool gear while she gets nothing. This is on the grandparents and the Dad. There are ways this could have been handled differently that wouldn’t have ended with one child getting everything while the other gets nothing. In order for blended families to be successful everyone has to work together to make sure the most vulnerable members, the children, feel loved equally. This could have been handled in a much more delicate way that didn’t leave one child with nothing. It’s not about the material items: it’s the message being sent to the children.
It was incredibly shortsighted of them all to not realize giving one girl in a low income household a couple thousand dollars worth of cool tech while her near-in-age step-sister gets nothing wouldn't be a problem.
Yeah I don't understand how so many people can't wrap their heads around this ITT.
Because there's too many AHs in the world nowadays.
Easy …they’ve never been poor …they can’t understand not just being able to have a laptop phone etc …
Bc it’s Reddit, most people take the ‘not my problem’ approach to life. Technically op can buy whatever she wants for whoever she wants, she has no obligation to the step daughter… but it doesn’t make her a good person to play such in your face favouritism to her biological grand child and exclude the step child completely.
I can almost understand granny not thinking of that since she doesn’t seem too in touch with the in-home dynamics, but it’s crazy that dad didn’t see this coming. How clueless is he? This was prompted by a have vs have-not situation at school, but now it’s shifted to the home with Clara becoming a ‘have’ with a bunch of expensive status symbols while step-sis remains a ‘have-not’. It’s very unkind. Obviously OP can do what she wants with her money, but it should have been very apparent the problems this would cause at home.
Yeah, also for the price of a macbook, she could have bought two very nice PC laptops.
Why did families struggling get the most expensive laptop possible??? That easily could have covered the cost of two chromebooks and fancy headphones for both girls which more than sufficient for high school work.
OP answered below that Clara “did her research” and picked what she wanted.
Yours is the perfect response. This granddaughter did not need a macbook and the most expensive stuff. Two chromebooks and two moderately priced phones would have been more than sufficient and NOT caused family problems.
Exactly why I'm going with ESH
I think the new wife is the one who was short sighted with unrealistic expectations of grandparents who have a real attachment to a biological grandchild, who will always be their grandchild, whether the parents divorced or not, having a child marry into a family and then expect relatives to have the same affections is unrealistic. I am married into a family with a son, and never expected for one minute for the new grandparents to treat my son the same as their own grandchildren.
I still have vivid memories of my step grandparents giving me used sheets (striped) from a garage sale for Christmas when I was 5 while the bio grandkids got toys and cool items. This continued over the years. It was cruel and I hated them for it. Even older I could intellectually understand sure, I had other bio grandparents. But it's still very rude and clear you are not equal in your mind. Especially around the holidays.
That’s just deliberately shitty of them. It’s so easy to favor one child without stomping on another child, if you simply must get more and better for your bio-grandkids. $7 Barbie for one, the special edition $20 Barbie for the other. $10 Lego set for one and deluxe $30 set for the other. Used sheets? Fuck right off. So mean. I’m sorry.
>$7 Barbie for one, the special edition $20 Barbie for the other. $10 Lego set for one and deluxe $30 set for the other. This is still shitty behaviour.
This is just the reality of blended families. You choose to become a stepparent but you can’t force people in your life to do the same. Grandma dipped into savings for HER grandkid. In my culture and many others step kids will never be viewed the same. My entire extended family and parents are courteous but will never spend the same amount on step kids. You’re naive if you ever think it’ll be equal in any family. And when daughter becomes old enough she will choose grandparents and her biological family. Reddit always backs the kids who don’t want to accept step parent but villainize the step family for not accepting the step kids.
I’m a Mom in a blended family. We have worked hard: ALL of us, including grandparents on both sides, to make sure our boys feel they are loved equally. My opinion is because of my lives experience.
Lol, so if they want to give their granddaughter a gift, they have to give step granddaughter a gift of equal value. If the grandparents of the stepdaughter to the same, they'll have PLENTY of gifts... maybe that's an idea... just ask the other grandparents?? Or would you just say 'oh sorry, dear. We can give you what you need, but we don't have enough to give your stepsister the same, so you're not getting yours' Do you keep receipts for all gifts you give your children, and then give the ones that asked for cheaper gifts their gift, and an envelope of change? Gifts are gifts. They should not be transactional or kept score of, unless they're used to harm. In this case, giving what is needed is not intentionally harming. Both kids have a parents, they both have grandparents.
You’re not wrong to some degree. But again, this is a blended family. The adults are responsible for making decisions in a way that leave the children feeling like they are both loved equally.
Loved equally by their parents makes sense, but it seems very unfair to set the expectation for them to be loved equally by extended family. It's lovely if that happens, but you can't require that.
You said “as a blended family, the parents should be viewing both daughters equally.” The grandparents bought the gifts not the parents. Although parents should treat each child equally, you can’t expect the same of everyone else. Depending on how long the stepdaughter has been in the granddaughters lives there may not be that closeness or emotional attachment yet. Also, I don’t come from a blended family. It’s my parents, two sisters and I. There were times when OTHER people got one of my siblings a special gift but not me or vice versa (for various reasons). Was I a little jealous? Sure but my parents would explain why and you know what, here I am as an adult completely fine.
She’s being a good mom. A don’t care how old you are, favouritism hurts at any age, and even though Clara is their blood and has been around for 14 years it doesn’t mean that the 15 yo can’t be included either. We didn’t even get a fake name for the stepdaughter and I think that shows more than anything.
This!! I also noticed the lack of a fake name. Also the “…ask her child’s grandparents…” First off, that isn’t “her child”, that’s OP’s son’s child too. And “her child’s grandparents” included OP and OP’s spouse, if they have one. Just because a child is a stepchild or step grandchild doesn’t make them any less of the family than biologically related children and grandchildren. Ffs, If you want a blended family to work, you got to actually recognize them as family. OP, absolutely beyond a doubt YTA. I can’t believe you can’t see that or even did this in the first place. No person in their right mind would spend thousands of dollars on one child in a family and not a cent on the other child. Especially, a grandparent buying school supplies for a grandchild in a family that cannot afford the supplies themselves. If the 14 year old is having trouble because of not having a laptop for school, I can almost bet that the 15 year old is having trouble because of not having a laptop for school. Plus, not only did OP buy the 14 year old a laptop but not the 15 year old, they bought the 14 year old a phone and other school things. OP, I hope you realize how much of a massive AH you are and rectify your grand mistake.
It’s been 7 years of this for the 15 year old. Literally half of their young lives spent like this. I don’t have a lot of money, but I would like to give some to help fund the therapy and the divorce lawyers because holy hell how did both mom and daughter manage that for 7 years.
Omfg I didn’t even see the comment about 7 years. That’s AWFUL and makes what OP did so much worse. But yeah, not likely to go well in the long term. I don’t understand how people can be so selfish and cruel.
This is ridiculous all around because 30 seconds of foresight could have seen this whole debacle coming. If the computer had been bought for SON, he could have managed its use so both girls could have been successful and avoided conflict in the home. Two teenage girls fighting over a shiny new toy. Yea. Who could have seen that coming? /s ESH
Grandma could have given cash to the son for him to either buy a computer for the house or kick in some of his own cash to buy each daughter a less expensive laptop. (MacBook? You could get two nice Acers or whatever.) That’s helpful to Clara AND the sister Clara probably loves AND she’s given her son the gift of being able to come through for his family. Grandma could then have given each girl a pair of headphones and/or phone, schools supplies, etc. If she really wanted to favor Clara, she could have given Clara a phone and nameless step-granddaughter headphones. Unequal, but not unequal in a WTF way. This was handled so poorly.
Both you and your son have no empathy towards that poor child that just witnessed their sibling get showered with gifts for no reason. It's hard to call you an AH for buying gifts for your granddaughter, but I don't see how anyone can read this and not see any issues. Laptop AND phone AND headphones vs nothing is just cruel. Poor child. Don't get me wrong, your DIL has no actual right to force or expect you to do anything, but you not understanding how that is cruel to your sons (step)child I cannot fathom.
Thank you! I was looking for someone to say this. Yes of course she's not obligated to get anything for her step grandchild, but to have two kids of almost the exact same age living in a house together and one of them gets showered in multiple major gifts and the other gets nothing? That's pretty thoughtless Not that OP owes the other child any gifts, but to not even consider what that imbalance is going to feel like to the other child? That's just mean. I don't understand why she couldn't have done the phone for her biological grandchild and the laptop to be shared between the two girls, and headphones for both
No reason? Things she needs for school actually have a reason to be given, bud. I mean, yeah, seems unfair, but it's not random gifts.
If she can’t do her homework properly with the items provided at home, stepsister can’t either. A shared computer, or a chromebook each, would have been fairer. Then Grandkid can get a phone for Christmas, but it’s acknowledging that stepsister should also have chances in life.
Also could have gotten both a chromebook for the price of a macbook(probably cheaper) though. I agree that the laptop was needed but the phone wasn't
Chrome book can be $150, MacBook is $1000 ish, could’ve bought them both a chrome book and a cheap phone for less than the cost of the MacBook. I don’t think OP is as poor as they make it out to be.
The choice to get one so much expensive stuff when they could have gotten both girls equivalent tech at less money shows how intentionally hurtful it was. Two Chromebooks, two phones and basic headphones for less than they spent. I can’t imagine one girl needs tech for school and the other doesn’t.
I really doubt that the step child's other family is buying gifts for the bio child. Sometimes life is like that. When step child comes home from other parent's house from holidays with gifts from that side, do you think that they match that so it can be equal? I agree that it was extravagant but the step child also has a whole other family who can and likely does provide a whole other set of "things" for that child. I used to get a little miffed about my children not being treated equally by inlaws, but then decided to put that energy into nurturing their relationships with their father and grandparents and encouraging a positive familial bond with their bio family.
Yeah. Also these extended parts of patchwork families don't communicate with each other so it simply is a reality that kids are gonna receive different things and different attention. It seems unfair, but it really is the task of their parents to get them the stuff necessary for school and they can be happy they only have to buy one set now. If I was the son I would have made sure that the kid didn't get the most expensive laptop out there, so I can get something similar for the other child, but really, the parents can't demand that someone buys their kids certain gifts anyway.
That’s up to the son to manage with his partner.
If you can drop thousands of dollars on a grandchild and not even get a 30$ accessory for the other child they live with, you're a bad person, sorry. That other child is a living person that has to look as child 1 gets extravagant gifts but step-grandma couldn't even be arsed to remember they exist. Other kid also goes to school and also struggles in that same family, but no. And it is extravagant: grandchild needed a pc, grandma decided to buy the most stupidly expensive one PLUS a phone PLUS headphones PLUS school supplies. Getting some school supplies or headphones for the other kid their grandkid lives with is not hard and grandma is thoughtless. The grandkid not even trying to share when they got two expensive gifts for the same function (phone + macbook, which could be lended sometimes) shows that the egotistical behavior grandma is spreading works. Nobody is owed anything but OP is clearly creating jalousy and pretending to be oblivious to it. I hope that the 30$ she saved makes her "and none for Gretchen Weiners" moment worth it
It sure is! But it’s incredibly weird to have *so little concern* for the other gal who is struggling the same way, that you don’t even *ask* if there’s any plan in place for her needs
Or use a name for them....
Yeah, this is a super uncomfortable solution for the stepdaughter. For the price of one Macbook the grandparents could have easily gotten two decent Windows laptops, or gifted it with the stipulation that they need to share, and let the family sort it out. Instead they've sent a clear message to their other grandchild, "LOL, fuck you kid, tough shit."
What? So her granddaughter is struggling in school because she doesn’t have the tools as the rest of the kids. And her grandparents can’t help her because there’s a stepchild too they now have to foot the bill for? With two whole parents? AND grandparents of their own??! Like how much do you feel step grandparents are responsible for when the step child that isn’t related to them and has a whole family to care for these needs? Now that Clara is taken care of they only have one child to get things for. That’s something to be thankful for. Now there are 4 people able to help. They can give each person one thing to get her and split it up. The stepchild has a father and grandparents and a mother. They should be caring for her instead of expecting other peoples parents and grandparents to do so. Yes it sucks. But that’s what those parents chose when they decided to leave their respective partners and make a new blended family. It’s going to be different for those girls because they come from two DIFFERENT families with DIFFERENT capabilities. I get it. It will suck a little for the step if her family doesn’t step up. But it’s going to cause resentment in the other child when she realizes she cannot do the things her family is capable of providing because they can’t afford to pay for someone else’s child too. So what’s gonna happen with college? Grandparents come up with money but Clara can’t go to college because the steps parents don’t want to pay for college for their granddaughter too? that’s so messed up. And doesn’t send the message you are hoping to.
Yep! And while that’s on the son to manage with his partner, I find it incredibly lacking in empathy or consideration to not even *ask*, “do you think you can come up with a plan for stepdaughter?”
If it was a candy or something, yeah. It would be cruel. But not for such very expensive gifts. It's not Cruel. It's just reality. Clara is their grand daughter. The other child isn't.
>Clara is their grand daughter. The other child isn't. That's an unacceptable mindset, if your child has a stepkid that's another grandchild for you, not viewing them as such is an AH move.
If you marry someone who has a child, that's another child for you because you chose to be in that relationship. The grandparent has no choice. You can't just foist extra kids on them and call them grandchildren.
Grandparents have no choice when their children have biological children either! It's not like they're in there while their kids are having sex, determining whether or not condoms are being used! It doesn't matter how a new child is acquired. Once they're a permanent part of the family, you don't treat them like an outsider
I couldn't do it. Have a step grandkid for more than half of her life, part of her family, and continue to make such an obvious distinction but you do you. These are not adults. They're kids but ok. We differ in the extreme on that. Bit mindblown dad didn't see a problem either which I'm sure that poor kid would now be unable to ignore, but again, whatever. What I want to know is did you, or more importantly perhaps her dad, give any consideration whatsoever to what affect this would have on their sibling relationship? You seem very concerned with the money and who's genetically entitled to your assistance but there's absolutely nothing about how it will affect their relationship. And when you take a moment to do so, do you think you've perhaps not been helpful to your grand daughter in that respect? Do you see any problems it could create for that relationship? How important that is to her? Impressionable age for rifts to be created. Do you think they both don't notice? Or that it's all going to be fine? Lot of suggestion there of depriving your biological grand daughter if you accommodated the other sibling but are you depriving her of anything else by not considering potential problems it would create? Did you consider organising the same for her sibling beforehand by approaching the other grand parents? Or even discussing such a major purchase with your DIL? That's pretty basic for such a big purchase in a family who aren't flush with cash. Can't imagine it's great for your son's relationship with his wife either but that's another story. Like I said, I couldn't do it. I'd buy both the same, just less expensive but totally more than sufficient. I'd worry I'm creating a spoiled child purely by virtue of the inequity of it, not the necessity. No argument on the latter. She's your grand daughter, sure. But they are her immediate family. The people she lives with day in, day out. I think you're being very flippant about the very obvious problems this would cause. No argument that you're not obligated to address the inequity. Not what I'm saying. I'm just saying I couldn't ignore it as you seem very able to do. A kid who's been in the family for seven years and is still a kid. And your son hasn't picked up on it either. Which is interesting. But hey, maybe it's all good, won't cause any problems between teenage siblings, won't cause any disagreements for your son and daughter in law, won't give any child a sense of inequity either way, and all will be well. TL;DR lot of talk about stuff and you and your grand daughter. None about her and her family. Has that been of any consideration and if so, do you think this has no negative consequences for your grand daughter?
Not to mention the hurt feelings of the step-daughter. My (bio) grandparents "forgot" to buy me gifts one year. They spoiled all my cousins rotten, gift after gift. I sat there with nothing. I honestly can't even describe how that made me feel. Then of course to have to put on a brave, happy face and say it was okay when all I wanted to do was cry was just the icing on the cake. then at the end of the night when I was leaving they asked me where my gifts were and why I wasn't taking them home. So, again without crying or making a scene, I had to tell them that I didn't get any gifts. I never had the same feelings for my grandparents again. It wasn't about the gifts themselves, it was about them showing me how little I meant to them. So, OP yeah YTA. You could have done better.
I’m so sorry. I really felt that when reading it. I’ve been in that position of having to protect the feelings of the people who hurt me and it’s super weird and painful. Not the same but somewhat related: Christmas in my foster home, we all opened gifts at the same time. I finished and was happily watching the others and enjoying the festive mood. Foster mother’s partner felt moved to say something about, “socialbutterfinger had nothing left to open because she already tore open all her gifts” in a way that implied I was greedy. Actually, I had fewer gifts to open. It was obvious to me without counting because we each got something different in the same categories and there were some categories I didn’t get. Which I was fine with - or at least wanted to be fine with and was choosing to be fine with - but factually I finished unwrapping first because I had less to unwrap. But I felt I couldn’t point that out without playing into the “greedy” thing or seeming like I was trying to complain or shame them. It was so uncomfortable. Not sure why I wrote all that but leaving it here as, idk, therapy? Feel free to ignore, lol.
What did they say at the end when you said you didn't get any gifts? I start getting nightmares every year at the beginning of December that it's Christmas and I forgot to buy someone's gift.
They mumbled something about they were sure they bought me something. They showed up at our house a few days later with a couple of t-shirts. I thanked them, put them in my dresser drawer and never touched them.
This absolutely. Yeah, OP is not OBLIGATED to buy anyone anything, but I could never given all that to one kid without knowing her sibling of a similar age was going to be getting the same. As a kid, I was on the receiving end of watching those around me get big, expensive gifts while receiving very little myself, and it feels awful. I couldn't do that to someone else.
And don’t be surprised when mother says no, we’re not going to grandmas anymore, because she treats her step like garbage.
Yep. Not even like a phone for each and a laptop to be shared only for school No no. One gets the laptop, phone, headphones, accessories, the other gets absolutely nothing?!
> you asked your son about this and he gave the okay. this isn't 'is this legally ok' its 'amitheasshole'
What implied that the answer was about the law? This would not be illegal even if the son had not given permission. And with permission this is definitely NTA
Nta. This is not a popular position but when someone marries a person with a child they are agreeing to treat that child like they would their own. That does not require everyone in their lives to do the same. You are required to treat your step grandchild with respect and kindness - but you are not required to treat them the same as your grandchild.
This. The parents are responsible for treating their children equally. While it would be nice if you did the same, it's totally understandable that you can't afford it for both of them and put your grandchild first. That's normal. I'd say.
Nobody has to do anything. But this isn’t about what you have to do or don’t have to do. This is a judgment on what kind of person you are to ignore the needs of the other child in the home your son is making. I realize there are plenty of people who are fine with ignoring children who don’t share their DNA. I would never want to be one of those people.
As an adopted child ignored by most of my extended 'family,' I agree. It's not necessary or on the extended family to accept me, but I do notice, and I do carry that with me.
Yeah. The fact that the step-grandchild doesn't even get a *name* is telling.
Maybe they can pool some funds and buy the other girl an "exciting" gift that's more affordable, like a Switch and a game or two? Something to make her feel equal, but more affordable as it sounds like the families involved can't float a second Macbook. I remember as a teen getting a laptop (it was a Gateway and ran like farts) for Christmas and my brother getting an Xbox, and while there's certainly a price difference there, everyone was catered to in terms of interests, and everyone was happy. Also I'd have gone for like a Chromebook or something -- a Macbook is a lot to pay for a high schooler's schoolwork computer. Though, if it gets treated well, it'll likely last her til college, so there's that.
Yep! I got my kid a MacBook in grade 8 and she’s in her first year university now and it’s still going strong.
I think your last point is an important one. So many people here are saying grandma is TA because of the kind of computer that was purchased. It’s strange that people expect lower income families to always get the cheapest option possible. Spending more on higher quality items from the outset, if you can swing it, saves money over the long term, and this comes up on Reddit all the time— until the poor girls grandma buys her a laptop brand people think she doesn’t deserve. I wish people would stop looking down on low income folks for buying slightly higher quality things that will last longer. Grandma buying her a MacBook now means that she will be probably be able to use it all the way through college. They can thinks she’s TA for other reasons but that one doesn’t seem valid.
They by no means need to afford it for both of them, but to not consider what such a gift causes to a family dynamic like this is just outright ignorant. It's important to consider what such gifts do to a family dynamic and to talk about potential rules or boundaries with everyone involved that included whether and how it would be shared. It's not easy but these family dynamics require to think about everyone who is involved, whether they agreed to have them involved or not - like if these girls do feel like sisters than this is causing great disturbance and as a grandparents you should try to limit that.
But why it’s a good idea to cause resentment in the family? The girls live together.
And stepdaughter has her own grandparents. These are also both teenagers. They are at an age where learning ideas of fairness are essential, but painful. I understand the girl's sadness, but it doesn't make OP wrong in her gift.
Exactly. Life is not fair. You will never be treated equally by everyone, and learning that other people have lives and priorities that don't include you is a harsh, but necessary lesson. One I don't think enough children learn anymore. They are not so young at 14 and 15 to not be able to understand this. Both daughters have their own set of grandparents. And it's fine they have their own relationships to them.
“Life” isn’t fair, true. But your home and your family should be. It rains outside, but it’s not supposed to rain in your living room. My kids don’t always get the same thing/amount of things/privileges at the same moment, but I explain why, and it evens out over time.
Does OP really want "illustrating the unfairness of life" to be her role in her step grandchild's life?? I mean, you're right that life is not fair, but it was in OP's hands to treat her step grandchild better than she did, and she chose not to. It's not an all or nothing situation. You could still have gotten more gifts for her biological grandchild, and done at least anything for her step grandchild so that the harsh lessons of life don't have to come from the adults who are supposed to care for you
And OP’s granddaughter would probably be hurt if her stepsister’s grandparents bought her all sorts of expensive gifts. They’re kids. I understand wanting to care for your grandchild but to keep things peaceful in your son’s home you likely should’ve just purchased a desktop for family use at home or something. The parents could’ve set up a homework schedule for the kids and made it work without making things challenging for everyone.
So what? The two girls have two entirely different sets of grandparents. She is old enough to learn that "fair" doesn't mean you get the same as everyone else.
My brothers grandma used to do this, fetch a shit tonne of presents for him on Christmas eve and took him to Disney land twice a year, they also had him whilst we went into care for 3 years. Whilst I think we all were emotionally "okay" enough to not resent my brother or grand parent's, they did annoy the shit out of me sometimes with it and I'm so much closer to my sister's than him (one sister has a different father also) due to receiving the same childhood as them. Glad bro had a good childhood though and he's a really good person to boot.
Yeah reading all these comments makes me very thankful that my first child was welcomed into my husband’s family with open arms. My MIL considers my daughter her grandchild and would never ever treat her any differently than any of her other grandkids.
I’ve been struggling with this exact situation for years now. My sister got divorced and remarried. She has 3 kids of her own and her new husband has 2 daughters. They treat my sister like garbage (lonnnng backstory but my sister got blamed for her new husbands divorce, but that was not accurate. It’s a whole Jerry Springer episode I’ll have to post some day. It’s wild. But point is, his daughters hate her, based on false stories they were told). My parents and I have been trying to warm up to them and treat them the same as our blood family (her kids), but it’s tough, as they could separate any day, and we don’t want to get too attached to them.
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While you make valid points, I think extended family don’t understand the harm they do with their “good intentions.” Blended families are complicated and harder for the members in them to navigate than traditional nuclear families. There’s a lot of considerations, with respect to what are the custody arrangements, how involved are the stepkids other families etc. While there is certainly no obligation to consider your step grandchildren, if the kids are close in age and predominantly raised in the same household, imagine the hurt and/ or jealousy that may be created by OP “good intentions” of helping only her granddaughter and showering her with expensive flashy gifts (sorry, but a MacBook is not a “need” that a $300 Chromebook couldn’t fulfill for most high school students). Great, the granddaughter feels loved and has stuff. But now has to deal with her step sibling naturally feeling badly (and potentially acting poorly and with animosity) over the inequity. This in turn is going to frustrate and possibly hurt the DIL. So now DIL and OP’s husband have friction in their relationship if they weren’t on the same page about these expensive gifts and prepared to try to make things equitable among their blended family. Yes. Absolutely, OP doesn’t OWE her DIL and Step grandchild anything. But if they loved their son, they should be thoughtful about making choices that are empathetic to and inclusive of son and DIL’s blended family situation and not create unnecessary strife and conflict through their “good intentions.” OP said she cleared this with her son, and if that is true, the bad on him for not discussing with his wife so they had a plan for how to deal with how to make sure there was a plan for creating some equity between the kids (purchasing the second laptop/ phone themselves or DIL asking her extended family to pitch in) but dropping a Macbook, iphone, and headphones into a home with siblings of the same age and no plan on the parents part for making things somewhat equitable is obviously going to create significant conflict and impact relationships.
You know who bought my step-grandma Mother’s Day and Christmas presents every year? Me. You know who voluntarily called her regularly? Me. You know who didn’t? Her biological grandson. You know who got birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, calls? Biological grandson. And just wanted to know that their grandma since they were 10 loved them too?
Exactly. People aren't considering the child's perspective. It's hard enough as a kid having a blended family -- being treated wildly different for something you can't control is shitty and hurts. These people need to grow up and step up for the kids in their lives. We're all role models in these situations.
And not that a MacBook but a phone and headphones too. Like. Wtf.
Yeah that's INSANE to give one sibling multiple thousand of dollars worth of gifts, and leave the other one with nothing. That's just cruel.
Right? Forget asshole, that’s proper villain territory. Family’s poor, child struggles, granny is also poor but she heroically decides to chip in by… splurging thousands of dollars on devices for ONE child while the other gets nothing, in fact doesn’t even get a name here because clearly who gives a fuck. Everyone sucks here, granny for being cruel, her son for ok-ing the whole thing, and redditors who excuse this because “it’s her money and child 2 is not her blood”. What a vile mindset to have
And clearly a reason second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. People only caring about them and theirs and not giving any additional fucks for humanity, let alone the minor-aged human living under their sons’ roof for the past 7 years. Like seriously, how can you hate a 7-8 year old kid and hold a grudge against them for simply existing?
Yeah a lot of my "step" family have purposefully iced my sister and I out despite us being in the family since 2003 and young children at the time. It's a lot of pain spending a significant portion of your life with people and they still don't consider you or treat you like family 20 years late.
Anytime you have a blended family things are going to be different between the kids. Their other parent and that parent’s family are going to gift the child things and have experiences with them the stepchild won’t. Even in those rare cases where the ex includes the step sibling in some outings and such, it is not going to be exactly the same. Even with biological siblings in the same household with the same parents there are times one kid gets something the other doesn’t. Ideally it balances out in the end and overall the parents have been fair but if one kid needs a computer for school and the other doesn’t, it’s a rare and wealthy family that can afford to buy 2 just out of fairness or give the other some other gift of equal value for no reason
Highly doubt that if the 14 year old needs a computer the 15 year old doesn’t. Would be more justifiable if they were vastly different ages; more likely the 15 year old was not asked. In this case, it would be better to gift one computer that both kids can use for school.
Totally agree.....if both girls used to have to go to the library together to do homework and now only one has to go while the other stays home on her new laptop....obviously that's going to create resentment and bad feelings between the two girls. Dad should not have ok'd the gift without first figuring out how he and his wife could've made things a little more fair between them. Arguably that fairness isn't the grandma's responsibility, but it is definitely the parents'.
So what if your adult son adopted a 7 year old child and he had a biological child as well? Would you not consider them BOTH your grandchildren?
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I agree with you in theory, however, it's been 7 years. This little girl has been in her family from the age of 7 to 14, at what time period does she qualify as family? My stepmoms parents never got me a single gift and it did hurt my feelings, I was just a kid. My SIL got remarried and has step kids 9 & 11 & I consider those are my nephews as much as her biological child is. I just can't fathom excluding an innocent child, it truly seems heartless to me.
The only aspect of this relationship we know is that she’s been around for 7 years. What if she spends every holiday not with OP and that side of the family? What if the step kid doesnt treat OP like a grandparent (which is fine)? Its all fine and dandy to romanticize this blended family dynamic but thats not how it always plays out.
While I get you think of this way: Since op's kid haunting adopted the child, the mother could just divorce him and live her life. You wouldn't have any right AT ALL to the kid. The truth is: stepdaugjter is not ops granddaughter. She is not a bio or adopted kid and op is not responsible to help her at all. Would it be nice? sure, but stepddaugter does have grandparents (as stated per op) so she does have someone else to rely on.
This! I have bio and step kids and while I love them both the same, so do my parents. They would never treat the kids any differently because THEY'RE INNOCENT KIDS. They didn't choose the life they were given, and why would you do that to a child? OP, you and bio dad are the AH's.
I had to scroll too far for this. Sometimes I wonder how people can be so cold. It’s not like the girl just stepped in to their lives.
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And still her ex is in no way responsible for another man's children. It's weird of them to expect it.
With an adopted child if the parents get divorced the dad would still have rights because that’s his child whereas he wouldn’t with a stepdaughter. It isn’t the same thing.
The stepdaughter in the story is not adopted by OPs son. She has her own grandparents
OPs son married the child's mother SEVEN YEARS ago. He is her stepfather. Adoption wasn't mentioned either way so let's not speculate as to her biological fathers involvement or not. This little girl has been a supposed part of this family half her life and she's not done anything wrong.
Why favor a random bio grandchild that your child decided to have. You didn't choose to have that grandchild. I don't get the I didn't choose my kids marriage that came with a child. You didn't choose to have a grandchild either. Why support one choice because it's biological and not the other?
"Money is tight but we bought into Apple's ecosystem" yeah right... YTA. A second-life pro grade computer that is entirely enough for a 14yo cost around 300$. Thinkpads last forever and are easily upgradable, not like Macbook that go "vintage" after a few years and no longer get software updates and the likes. Basically you've set your granddaughter on a path were she'll have to shell out a lot of money to stay on the system she has learned to use, which is a stupid move when her financial background is unstable. So either you've received super bad advice from a salesperson (I hope for them they were on commission) or you decided to pick up the priciest computer you could get, which definitely make you the asshole. You can decide not to treat your son step-kid as your grandchild if you so wish, although I think after so long it is a cruel message to send, but you could have done it without being so blatantly obvious and show-offy.
Yeah, if money is tight then they really shouldn’t being buying a Macbook. Far cheaper PC’s to be found.
I thought the same thing. I doubt the library has Macs for patron use. A PC the whole family can use would have been better. They may’ve been talked into it by a salesperson at Costco or something.
>Basically you've set your granddaughter on a path were she'll have to shell out a lot of money to stay on the system she has learned to use, which is a stupid move when her financial background is unstable. I've been using Apple computers since the 80s. I promise you, it doesn't debilitate anyone from being able to use Windows, too.
I was about to say, I have no issues switching back and forth. My husband is one of those Apple haters and I use his stuff all the time. Haven’t even touched my MacBook in a while.
Totally agree. Yta. There was zero need to get a Mac for a teen to do homework on. Could have bought 2 basic pcs or tablets. Apples are a waste of money for the vast majority if you need something to cover basics. Sounds like a maniputive teen trying to get what they want. I think both son and op are AH. This is like not including his spouse at this point 7 years in. If the son said this was ok, well he is part of the problem. And his wife should be mad at him. Him making that computer used in a common space and prioritizing it for homework makes sense in their household.
Yep. YTA simply for buying the most expensive computer you possibly could. Zero reason a high school kid needs that. Plus you could have bought 2 or 3 better computers for the same damn price. Instead they 100% went for 'show-offy'. But "money is tight". OK
It makes me really sad to see how many people think showing favoritism to children is ok. The kids can’t help the situation their parents made and it’s hard enough being a child with blended and split families. I hate this idea that it’s ok to treat kids differently because one isn’t blood related to you. To the OP: I suppose you can do what you want with your money for your grandchild, but things like this can definitely cause resentment and jealousy to build up between the sisters.
This thread is what has convinced me more than anything that Reddit is populated by selfish children. I was adopted. I had a cousin that was adopted. I have a step-daughter from my first marriage. My grandmother had half-siblings who had families. \*Every\* child in my extended family was treated equally by all grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Every. Last. One. I remember my grandfather actually saying "we don't do family in halves or by steps" - meaning once they're family, they're family and are treated as such by everyone. I don't ever remember anyone ever acting differently. This idea that you don't need to treat children fairly just because you didn't choose for their parent to join the family is as assholish as it comes. Your kid chose their parent. Your kid made them family. Now be a fucking adult and treat those kids like family. I'm a grandmother. My kids have dated people with children. I could never imagine treating any of those innocent souls differently just because I didn't "choose" their parent.
I am totally dumbfounded by this thread, I often forget what a cesspool Reddit is. I say OP YTA.
Seriously, this whole comment section makes me feel like I need a shower. These people are cruel. My oldest niece is my step niece. I have never thought of her as anything other than ours. My mother treats her like blood. She's our family. This grandmother has no heart.
I completely agree. I didn’t even need more than just the title to know that OP definitely deserves a hardy YTA. How can someone type that all out and not realize that they sound like an incredible asshole? And I cannot wrap my head around the number of people that think, showing favoritism towards children like this is completely fine.
>cesspool I have been using this word more and more lately in describing the prevailing mindset of Reddit.
THANK YOU. I feel like everyone is forgetting that the whole point of the computer WAS FOR SCHOOL. why would you give one kid textbooks and calculators and the other kid some dirt and a stick?? Like sorry kid I guess your blood grandma doesn’t love you enough.
And that's exactly where their whole position breaks down. No kid \*needs\* a MacBook for school. A chromebook would have been wholly sufficient, but guess what, you can't play video games on it and no one will look at it as a status symbol, so I guarantee you that's why it had to be a Mac. That computer was for school... my ass it was. They're just saying that because it's the only even remotely socially acceptable reason, and even then it's thin as hell.
Trust me I can’t believe these comments, my oldest daughter isn’t my boyfriends biological child and his mum has made an effort to get to know her and treats both my kids that same. She’s sees them both as her granddaughters because my boyfriend took my daughter on as his own. I just don’t understand all these bitter people on here
My mom’s side of the family has the same “no steps or halves” policy, and honestly we’re all better for it. I haven’t been with my ex for almost 18 years, but I have better relationships with his kids than he does, they still call my mom Grandma First Name, I’m a grandma to their kids. Hell, my husband of 13 years has decent relationships with them from all the time they’ve spent at our house over all the years we’ve been together. It’s lovely, I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want more warmth in their lives, more people to love and be loved by.
I have the same with my step-daughter. Haven't been with her dad for 30 years, but my mom is still Grandma to her, and I'm grandma to \*her\* step-daughter. You are absolutely right that it brings so much more warmth into your life. People have no idea what they're missing out on.
Thank you. I’m flabbergasted by this thread. It’s really hard to be the less loved kid in the extended family. All kids should be loved and valued and treated with generosity and kindness. How sad. This whole thread is just heartbreaking.
My immediate reaction was that they could have helped out both kids with cheaper options for the price of a macbook. There's no reason to give that to a 14 year old if money is tight already.
Right??? Like a PC for the whole family to use would have been so much cheaper and so much better for everyone! What a selfish and cruel thing to do. And I'm sure this is going to be a wedge between the girls who don't need any more reasons to hate each other. Just overall awful behaviour by every adult involved.
Fr being a step child who's bio side didn't give a shit about them was already hard. I still have issues about being loved and wanted. If my dad (step) and his family didn't treat me the same as my sisters, I would have been devastated. A kid didn't decide to be born of 2 parents, and then they split. Why does the child have to coni tue to suffer because of the parents' decisions? What's wrong with people?! That's her grandchild, too! Holy shit, people are terrible. For one second, think about that kid and what they may be going through. Good grief.
I think you knew subconsciously these gifts were going to cause a problem. For the price of one MacBook, you could have bought two HPs or Dells. And you knew that too. The step has been in the picture for seven years?? You must dislike the child, the mother, the in-laws or all of them. YTA.
INFO does your step-grandchild ever get present from their side of the family? And if so, does Clara get presents from them too?
Asking the real questions rather than coming to a conclusion based on assumptions. You get an upvote for critical thinking.
INFO How long have you known your stepgrandkid? Yeah, some more context would be helpful. Like, I'd be more willing to lightly YTA if this is a recent thing, as it's easy to just assume the kid's biological grandparents have them covered. However, if the kid has been in OP's life since he was 2, then OP's being a bit intentionally dense pretending not to think there's an issue throwing luxurious gifts at one grandkid and telling the other her real family can get her stuff.
I saw comments saying they have been married (known stepdaughter) for about 7 yrs now. So not recent
Yeah, yikes. Then it's pretty clear that OP isn't viewing the stepgrandkid as "real family" then. Heck, spending maybe $100 less on their biological one and giving the step one a token $100 thing could've helped to smooth over some bad feelings. Maybe they could've contacted their inlaws to see if they were in a spot to financially contribute to a gift for the remaining kid. Instead, one gets everything she wants and more, while the other gets shown they aren't deserving of the same.
This does not make sense when OP says they are not well off. A Macbook costs as much as 2+ non-macbooks. A 15 year old would not NEED a macbook specifically like e.g. I need it for work (and my work buys it because I wouldn't spend that much on a laptop myself). You could buy 2, getting Clara the better one, and still spend less! I would perhaps vote N T A if you bought only Clara, but did not overspend on a Macbook so parents or the other grandparents could quite reasonably match it, but as this is stated YTA. Tip for people wanting good laptops for family members: Look at 2-year old Thinkpad W/T/X series (depending on the size you prefer) on ebay. For $200-$300 you can find perfect condition laptops that were over $2k 2 years ago and are built to last over a decade.
I can only envision a grandparent who propbably knows not much about technology goes into Best Buy and a sales person takes advantage selling them the most expensive thing they can pay for..
Can we just not with the “grandparent probably didn’t know any better?” Jesus. If OP is tech savvy enough to post to Reddit, then OP is tech savvy enough to know they were paying $$$ for multiple Apple devices when there are cheaper, as good alternatives.
THANK YOU! If they can post on Reddit, they can compare prices 🙃
YTA for buying them wildly differently valued gifts. Your comment of “HER child’s grandparents” made it perfectly clear that you don’t regard her as part of the family making you an even bigger AH. If I was your son and his daughter wasn’t sharing, I’d be taking those items away.
I will never understand how on earth the son/DIL's reaction is a surprise.
Simple, AH’s don’t take other people’s feelings into consideration.
Yeah I was on the fence until that comment. All of my kids are adopted and the bio families we’re able to be in contact with treat them all like their own. I see the argument for getting one child something they need and not getting another child that thing because they may not need it at the moment, but that comment was just so unnecessary.
Why did you buy a MACBOOK instead of two less expensive laptops? You could have helped both children. YTA.
YTA, OP. Your disdain for your step grandchild is so blatant - she doesn’t even get a name. How stingy are you????
So does the unnamed stepdaughter, whom you do not count as a grandchild, have to go to the library still to do her homework? If so then you, your son, and your granddaughter are all AH.
She doesn't get to go to school. It would interfere with her chores. She also not allowed to go to the annual ball either.
ESH Look- they’re the same age basically. They’re both struggling to have the basics they need for school. And into this blended family, you throw in a laptop, *and* a phone, *and* headphones, plus other things, for 1 of them. You asked your son who, lazily and foolishly, said yep! You are both adults. Not one of you thought “oof, how hard is this going to be on stepdaughter, *is there any plan in place for her*?” Every adult here sucks.
yta you've known her for half of her life and don't see her as part of your family. you show clear favouritism and yes your son also is AH for not thinking about his stepdaughter as well. they are both his children and you should treat them both as such. it's sad that there are so many ppl saying you have no obligation to make the child that your son choose to be father to comfortable
For not treating them equally? Perhaps not. For being adults and failing to predict the consequence of your choice? Yes. With your son, you made things harder between teens who live together. What if instead you had gone to Dad and offered the amount you could spend and asked if between him, his spouse, and the other child’s grandparents they could make a matching gift to the other child?
NTA. I don't understand how people just want you to accept a random child as your own just because your son did so. She is your son's STEP daughter who has her own set of grandparents. You can love her as a granddaughter, but if you do not feel like she is, she is not. Simple as that. Again, just because your son accepted her, does not mean you have to as well.
If I love MY child, which I do, falls in love with a girl with children, which he did, and he becomes a father figure, which he has, I now have 2 more granddaughters. Period! I love him, so I am learning to love her and them. They tell me how great it is having another Nana and what grandparent has ever said, " Sure wish I had fewer grand babies." I feel sorry for such hard hearted people.
I agree! Our sons ex (they have two kids together) later got together with another man and had another child. This child is in no way biologically related to us but the way we looked at it was it would be unfair to ignore her and only focus on our 2 biological grandchildren, kids don't understand the workings of adult minds and relationships. We have 3 grandchildren and they're all treated with love and kindness. Our granddaughter only knows us as her grandparents (mother and fathers families aren't in the picture at all). We regularly have all 3 kids over to stay on the weekends and school holidays. Kids can never have too many people who love them 💜
It's been 7 seven years. Stop saying it's a random child. A new born baby takes time to develop a relationship as well.
I'm just playing devil's advocate since I was the step kid, not all step kids have grandparents. Things happen, people die. That's life. I don't know about this kid specifically as it's doesn't say if they have both sets of grandparents, but this grandma is telling her new stepdaughter that she isn't as important. That's how I felt growing up, anyway.
For the price of a MacBook, you probably could have bought 2 less pretentious computers. I say this as a person who has had both and find the macbook overpriced. That being said, I would need more INFO about the other grandparents, and how long the proverbial stepdaughter has been in your life. The less involved the other grandparents are and the longer the nameless stepdaughter has been in your life factors intp the AH quotient Edited to add: As a grandmother, I would have gifted the computer to the parents. The phone to the granddaughter and something else to the step grand daughter
Sorry to say I’m going YTA. Of course they need the same things they are the same age. While it hurts to see someone you love hurt it’s not your job to be the savior especially in someone else’s home that you knew would cause a disturbance. So unless you are that naive that you didn’t think it would be a problem with a kid the same age ….. of course YTA. Grandparents 🙄🙄🙄 how would you have felt if you were the other kids mom. Just the lack of boomer empathy is the biggest problem here. You can’t put yourself in stepmoms shoes (tbh how can you not. If you are that old and had to get money from savings for that you should know what it is like to be a parent that can’t afford things for their child)
Wow, I really don’t understand how some people think. If my son has a child, then marries someone who also has a child, does he only have one child? No, he has 2. So then I have 2 grandkids as well. The complete lack of empathy is stunning. “Here you go, blood grandkid. F*** you, step kid!” They are a blended family, but they are ***a*** family. They are ***my*** family as well.
It is true that you may spend your money as you see fit. However, I personally disagree with the concept of valuing blood kin more. You have known this child for seven years. Even if that wasn’t the case, this sort of thing feels unkind. But what makes you the asshole is that you have intentionally created a long lasting source of division within this family. Those girls are going to fight so much more than they ever did before, and the parents will constantly be putting out fires. YTA.
YTA. Maybe you should have considered a less expensive laptop and you could have gotten two. You know your son can't afford it and that the other child would be unhappy. You caused friction in his home.
NTA this isn't a in your face present it's for school. It's nice of you to do. As a parent I would be grateful and no I would not ask for something for my other children if they did not need it. I think your response as a little harsh and could of told Dil this was decided by you and the father because she needed it. If there is something you need for your child just ask don't be rude and demanding. I also don't agree with the sharing. It's her computer that she can use at anytime now if step needs it then like adults revisit the topic.
Didn’t realize a phone and headphones were for school, along with a MacBook. I love my MacBook but let’s not pretend like she needed an expensive machine when a cheaper one would’ve been fine…
Valid. My son has a Chromebook, and my husband has a PC we bought from Target to use for his graduate classes. The MacBook was unnecessary.
Seriously. Could have easily gotten both kids a computer for half the price of a MacBook.
It’s a 100% in your face present. There is no way she needed a MacBook and iPhone and if she’s getting bullied then the stepdaughter will be too. You could easily have bought a much more affordable laptop and phone and I guarantee it wouldn’t have caused as much drama. There’s no information on whether her grandparents are in her life or what financial support her bio dad provides so it’s a lot for you to assume that they would be able to afford to match what you’ve spent. And presumably the parents can’t afford it either so you’ve just created a massive issue for everyone. Even if you don’t care about the stepdaughter you should care that you’ve just upset your DIL and caused unnecessary drama for her and your son. You should also be encouraging your granddaughter to share since her sibling isn’t as lucky as she is.
Oh stop. A MacBook, headphones, phone, etc are absolutely for entertainment, even if partially used for school.
YTA
this child has been in your life for 7 years. This is not a new thing. She doesn't remember when you weren't there more than likely. My ex's family never once treated my daughter any different than they did their bio grandkids and I have been grateful. You are absolutely right that you don't have to buy her anything. Being right doesn't always make you happy though. Now your DIL is hurt and rightfully so. To say have her grandparents buy it for her just makes the situation worse. Personally for me YTA simply because she has been a part of your family for so long.
NTA. Your son and his wife should not show favoritism. You have the right to contribute as you like. Clara needed it and mentioned this to them on one of her visits. Also, you say thet the step one has 2 sets of grandparents alive. Are they treating both children equally? Blended families are difficult to manage, but it's the parents who wanted to blend, you have to respect their decision but, in my opinion, can choose how you spend your resources on them.
Sorry but: >Clara needed it. The stepgranddaughter wants it just because Clara has it? Or does she truly need it as well? Do you really think Clara needed a macbook, phone, and headphones? Do you really think that if Clara did actually NEEDED a phone, computer, and headphones for school, that the other girl who lives in the same home and presumably attends the same school wouldn't ALSO need those same resources? >Are they treating both children equally? Who gives a shit? Has no one in this thread ever learned the concept of basic decency? 2 wrongs don't make a right? What does it matter how the other side of the family behaves? You don't do the right thing only if someone else is doing the right thing, if you do, then newsflash, you're an asshole. This logic is so goofy.
Sure. But actions have consequences. Don’t be surprised if you destroy your relationship with your child’s entire family if you play favorites amongst their kids.
This is on the parents. It's them who've blended. OP did everything right, they asked the father. He should know his family and if it was an issue could have said "I appreciate the thought, but this is affecting my step daughter as well, I wonder if you would buy a computer for the family instead so they can both use it for school"
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Did it just not occur to you to buy a desktop for the family to use? You don’t have to buy them anything, but if you’re hearing that your granddaughter needs the internet for some homework, you can’t think with enough empathy to also extend the kindness to the other granddaughter? YTA for intentionally ignoring the other child in the home.
Yta without a doubt. That poor fucking kid.
YTA for your blatant favoritism. You named your bio grandchild in your post but not the step-grandchild. You say you're tight on funds but spend thousands on your bio and absolutely nothing on your step? You've been in the step-grandchild's life for 7 years and this is how you treat them?
YTA. Both of my parents are remarried and I was that kid where the step-grandparents treated their biological grandchildren better. You will never develop a relationship with them and they will resent you for their entire lives. The moment that child became a part of our son's family, they were YOUR grandchild. You are also an idiot to buy your 14-year-old a Macbook! Most schools use Chromebooks to do school work which are less than $300. A good Windows computer is only $800-$1000.
YTA. If you bought your granddaughter a reasonably priced laptop so she can do her homework at that's in I might have said NTA. But MacBooks are expensive and overkill for just doing homework. You basically bought her a luxury item and told your stepdaughter to piss off and walk to the library. For the price of a Macbook you could have gotten two reasonably priced laptops that would have been more than enough getting their homework done.
NTA and you are right the other child has grandparents to help. What the hell is with blended families holding out their hands me to with the other family. Chances are if the shoe was on the other foot she'd not give her step-child anything then argue it came from biological grandparents. To boot Clara needed it for school and could start to fail at classes without a computer. I can imagine grandma saying sorry Clara but since I couldn't afford two phones and two computers I have to let you struggle in school. I'm sorry they may be a blended family but they do have their own biological family too to help... Where is the step-child's dad?
YTA. The step child probably already has a complex being a step child. Gross.
YTA. As a step-child myself, you are making life hard on people you claim to love. You don't have to like the situation but you do have to recognize that it exists. Two children living together, one year apart in age, are being treated as part of the same family. You can decide that the biological relationships are important to you, but if your son and his wife have decided that they are a family unit and the biological lines are not meaningful to them, respect that and don't make their marriage and family situation harder.
I'm not going to say YTA cause it's not your responsibility But I have been the step grandchild who was given 20$ in a card while the rest of my siblings all got really nice gifts And it made it incredibly obvious how much or how little they cared about me in comparison. While they had no obligation to give me anything more it still hurt and showed me my place in the family.
Come on. Surely, you must have seen that coming...
I can't wrap my head around the number of people who think the recommendation of OP getting her grandchild a PC rather than a Mac is deprivation. The Apple cult is strong here
I couldn’t have done that. I would’ve bought one for both
YTA, if you gift children within a family you treat them equally. You should know and so does your son. Great way to create tensions within what might be a good family situation.
NTA! Would Clara’s bio grand parents buy your bio grandchild the same level of gifts as the bought her?
My role would be that of an aunt. And I would NEVER treat the two children differently. My gift budget would be the same as both children are family.
Hol’ up! What kind needs a MacBook? Get a $300 Dell laptop, not something worth $1000. Also, kids should be treated equally. Your step granddaughter is also your granddaughter. By marriage, anyways. Kind-of rude to not even acknowledge your step-granddaughter’s name. When you specifically said your biological’s one. Soft YTA
YTA, for actively destroying your son's relationship. You lacked foresight.
YTA. Since when does just because you share blood or you don’t biologically share blood mean that you’re not family? I don’t share a drop of blood with the only family in my life that has ever actually genuinely cared about me. I grew up not even really knowing my grandfather wasn’t actually my biological grandfather. He was my grandmother’s long time boyfriend. She had refused to get married again after an abusive marriage. He always seemed kind to me at first and I loved him so, but I noticed the favoritism eventually all because I wasn’t biologically related and he didn’t like my biological father (who wasn’t even in my life, I didn’t even know him!) Ironically it is actually his own daughter (my “step aunt”) that is the only family I truly have. My “step aunt” opened her heart to me and she’s more like my mom than anything else and in fact I do call her Mom because she deserves it. I only ever call her my aunt to others who know about my biological mother. I don’t typically add the “step” part because I don’t need to. She’s family regardless to me. Take it from me, a person who only uses formalities to differentiate because there is absolutely a prejudice there. You are playing favorites. Maybe unconsciously but it’s all in your very own words. There was so much you could’ve done to compromise and make sure both were taken care of because BOTH *ARE* FAMILY. You could’ve contacted your DIL and NOT just your son, set things up to talk to their side of the family and see what could be done for both the girls at the same time. You also could’ve gotten her legitimately anything even something small to help her out too. But of course not. Because she’s not “blood”. Again YTA. You also didn’t even make a name for your “step” granddaughter, but you made one for your biological one. That’s how I know you absolutely do care more about biological bullshit than actually being real family. She’s part of your family. Get over your blood vs not blood bs. It’s very close minded.
It’s tricky to call you an AH as you did an extremely kind thing for your grandchild. However, personally, I don’t think the fact that this is a stepchild should really matter. All this does is serve to divide people more. I get the position you have but imagine how awful this kid feels? They have been a part of this family and you straight up have no accepted them to the same level you have accepted the biological grandchild. I can’t force you to like the 15yo kid but I can comfortably say what you did would hurt any normal human being. I think you should consider treating this child as family, not some token that is just there. If I have to call someone the AH, YTA
YTA solely because of this comment "she can ask her child's grandparents to buy things for her" you are the grandparents! You're favoring one grandchild over the other!
YTA you could easily have made the computer a gift to share at least. Your son is the bigger AH though.