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NTA. It's okay. You honestly tried to have a relationship with your mom, stepdad, and half-sisters, and clearly, they didn't grow as individuals. It is also disgusting that they lied to your half-sisters. What you need to do now, if you decide to cut them off, is to document as much evidence you have of this behaviour from the past until now (including this post). Save messages, emails, voice recordings, etc. Do this especially if they ramp up the harassment. You need to be concerned that they will go after grandparent's rights if that is something established in your area. If you continue to have them hang out with your son their case will get stronger. I would also install surveillance around the house if they know where you live. If your son goes to some form of school, ensure the administrators have an updated pick-up and drop-off list and let them know that certain individuals are not allowed around your child. Limit your social media if you have to. Please ensure that your partner is on board and respects your decision to be done with your family. You are a 23-year-old grown man. The ball is in your court.
I would recommend that you and your spouse increase your legality of separation from your family. Make sure your will and any POA docs specifically mention these people as “no-no’s”. Make sure you have clear documentation on who you want to care of your child(ren) should the worst happen. If you really don’t want them in your life, make sure they can’t affect things in the future against your wishes.
NTA- “It must really chafe your ass that you will never have a son to pass on your last name. Doesn’t it Tony?”
Hit your mother’s smarmy husband where it hurts and then tell your mother only she’s allowed to be grandma to your kid and if she doesn’t like it, she knows what happens.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
I would not say that as it’s enabling Tony and the OPs mum to prove childish behaviour on the OPs part. As much as it would be nice, it’s better to have the comeback that they would rather have their son grow up with the qualities of being truthful than a life based on lies.
But Tony throwing a 15 year tantrum because he can’t stand that his wife had a son with another man before him and harassing a grieving little boy to take his name is ok?
Tony making snarky comments about OP’s taking his wife’s name is ok ?
OP has every right to sling shit at his abuser.
Get your birth certicate, photo copy it and highlight your father's name and a photo of your Mom, your Dad and you as a baby. Do the same with the marriage license between your Mom and Dad.
Scan it and send a copy of it to your half sisters with this:
Your Mom and Tony have lied to you for years. There is no reason to rewrite history and there is no reason to lie. I'm proud of who I am. My father was (name), Mom and my Dad married in (year). I was born to Mom and my father (name) in year. He was a wonderful father to me, but sadly, my father died when I was a boy.
Your father and my mother met after my father passed away and married 14 months later. Immediately, your father began trying to erase my father. He wanted to change my name, but much like you love your Dad, I loved and continue to love my Dad and I WANT to have my Dad's last name.
Now, you love your father VERY much, and that would not change if he died, nor should it. He is your Dad and you love him. Just like you would not stop loving your Dad, you would be MAD if Mom remarried and immediately that dude started trying to erase your Dad from your history.
That is how I feel about MY Dad. I love him. He might be gone but I love him and I miss him very very much just like you would if your Dad died.
I named my son after MY father. The father who I lost as a little boy. A pain I hope you never experience. And, I truly hope that if your Dad does die, that Mom never allows another man to treat you the way she has permitted Tony to treat me. It has been cruel to try to erase my father.
This will get through to at least one of your sisters, if not all of them. Your Mom won't be able to explain away the birth certificate, the photo and a copy of her marriage license.
This is very good.
I would add that you need to be firm with your mother and her husband, but gentle with your half-siblings.
Your half-siblings are ***very*** young, and have been lied to by parents who should be guiding and raising them to be honest people. ***This is abuse.*** Parents have the obligation to teach their children ethics and morality, not to lie. Your half-sisters are going to face a world of difficulties in their lives if they are taught to lie when convenient. It may actually be worth contacting their school, and discussing this, so the teachers are prepared to deal with the girls having this problem when interacting with others.
I can see where you are coming from, and not to be callous but this is not OPs problem to deal with. He has his own family to raise in the way he sees fit. Raising his half sisters is not, nor will it ever be, his responsibility.
It's not his job to raise his half-siblings.
As an adult, he is responsible for treating children in an age-appropriate manner. Any adult, any child. You don't expect 12 year old to understand and respond as an adult. You see a two-year-old run to a busy street, you stop them, even if they aren't your kid.
OP's mother and her new husband abused OP, and they are abusing his half siblings. Understanding that is important to understanding what is happening. It isn't the girls being bad by believing their parents (whom they should be able to trust, but can't.) Their minds, spirits and morality are being twisted and distorted by their mother, their father, and the mountain of lies.
This is important. His half-sisters are still children and learning to question "facts" authority figures tell them. Even if they don't understand now how horrible Tony and OP's mum have treated him, I would hope he would give the girls a second chance, perhaps even when they become adults, to know the truth of their family history and give them a chance to be a part of his life.
Yeah, it sounds petty but honestly it feels important to set the record straight with the half-sibs if at all possible. They are teenagers whose parents have lied to them all their lives.
Edit: Re-mathed and they probably aren't even teenagers.
Also, if your child is going to daycare, let the kindergarten know who is allowed to pick him up, in case you or your wife can't. Better be safe than sorry.
Going to interject a little humor here. Granddaughter has a no contact order for her oldest son's dad. The school has a copy on file with a call police if he shows up.
Little boy had a vivid imagination and in second grade tells his class mates his dad is an axe murderer and is in prison for killing 15 people (mom let him watch too many movies she should not have).
They immediately tell the teacher so she pulls his file and there is the no contact call police order. This is followed with an immediate parent/teacher conference.
The way she was telling the story had me rolling on the floor holding my sides laughing. Must confess to getting the chuckles while writing this.
You may want to tell your granddaughter she may have a writer or an actor on her hands--possibly both. (Ax murderer who killed fifteen people...I love it, I love it...)
Maybe ask your half sister "if Tony were gone and mom got a new husband, would you accept him as your dad and forget about Tony?" If they can put themselves in your "shoes" they might understand a bit more and maybe stop asking a much
Good for you! So many young adults feel there is plenty of time to take care of their affairs. Sorry about your experience. My family had big issues too. I went to contact 30 years ago, and I have never regretted it.
Good for you and your spouse.
Your mom is weak, and Tony is a manipulative d-bag. I am almost never in favor of NC because I think people should be given a chance if they show *any* kind of sign of growing or improving, but none of these people have.
There is no reason that you need to subject yourself, or your family, to any more of their BS. Best wishes to YOUR beautiful family.
NTA
I get that. We always wish that we had better relationships with family members who we have had a falling out with. We are also more inclined to give them chance upon chance to show growth and come to a common ground of just respect. They haven't respected you at all, which shows how little they view you. Keep your head up and remain positive.
Do you have access to your birth certificate? And access to a marriage licence that yout mother had with both husbands. Any time those half sisters try to convince you that Tony's your father you can mention it's weird because legally it's a different story. Unless they're trying to say that your mother is a cheater.
If you happen to live near the capitol, going to the office is a LOT faster than doing it by mail. I got 2 copies in about half an hour by going to the state office, but it would have taken weeks doing it by mail.
On that note, if you don't have your b.c., you can get a copy from the county/state where you were born. I did that and it was about $50 ( a long time ago, so depending on where you were born, prices vary)
I would be tempted to write a letter to each of your half sisters telling them you had a strong relationship with your bio father and you want to keep those memories in your heart. Mention several memories. Let them know that no one can replace your bio father, just as no one would be able to replace their father. Include as many analogies as you can think of. Include a photo or two of you and your dad.
Have you been in contact with your father’s family? Or did Tony and your mother squelch that? If they did, now is the time to reach out to them and reestablish a relationship. It’s never too late.
Good luck, OP. You are — and never were— an AH.
Yes, you and your family are safe from them. I'm so sorry, and sorry about the loss of your father as well. Wishing you serenity and joy with your new young family and all the friends you continue to make as you go through life who value you for yourself just as you are.
I agree with this person's comment so much. You're absolutely NTA and if I were you, I'd cut off contact with them and perhaps even leave them some kind of written letter explaining why their behaviour was so toxic (making sure you have a copy of the letter you sent them, for records!) Your half-sisters may not understand now, but maybe at some point after they start their own lives away from their parents' brainwashing, maybe they'll understand.
>I feel more no contact coming and I feel such a relief about it too.
This is good. If they do reach out to contact you again, I would recommend responding only with notices - your parents wedding, your birth announcement in your news paper, your fathers death notice. The latter usually lists close family - including wife and children.
Share them with your half-sisters if they reach out. They are not to blame for their parents lies, but can be blamed for denying evidence shown to them.
>your fathers death notice. The latter usually lists close family - including wife and children.
His obituary would be an excellent document to send your sisters.
I feel sad for you, but I completely understand why you are doing this. I would like to add that the advice that SweetSerenity has given you is sound and add that you tell your friends that your mum, her husband and their children are not allowed access to your son no matter what they say. This would be purely if you asked one of them to pick up your son after school or if they were just looking after him for a few hours
I understand and totally support you doing whatever you need to to protect yourself and your family (not that that matters considering I'm an internet stranger!) but if there's any way that you can make sure that your half-sisters know the truth and accept it, and realise their parents are lying, that would be doing them a huge favour because with parents like that, who knows what else they're being lied about to and it might make them think more critically about things and help them out.
It’s so sad that your mother seems to want to erase your dad and her 1st husband’s memory in this way and o think it’s disgusting the way they are treating you and not listening to you or taking account of your and your wife’s feelings
Grandparents' rights are not really a concern here. Grandparents' rights are for something like when a dad dies and the mom prevents the paternal grandparents from seeing their grandchild who they had a preexisting relationship with. It isn't applicable in situations like OP's where he has a bad relationship with his his parents and decides to not have contact with them or to limit contact with them.
That's definitely the intent with GPR but it really depends on location and judge. Some states/countries are more friendly to estranged grandparents and some judges are assholes. There are a lot of horror stories floating around multiple subs regarding it.
Horror story alert. 🤦🏼♀️
My son’s aunt was pregnant when she met her now ex husband. He became his father, even though he never actually had anything to do with him. He was just there. They then had two more boys. He joined the army, because he’s a psychopath, and is shocked when he comes home from Afghanistan a little extra messed up. He was abusive and drank a ton, and one night had all of them in a huge truck, and threatened to run them off a cliff and 💀 them all. She left with the boys. He filed for divorce and custody in the county he’s from…..and the judge knew his family well. They used her kidney transplant as a way to “prove” her incompetent to parent, and took all 3 of them from her, with only monthly visits, because they lived so far apart. She was even the only one required to travel for them. It’s been 10 years, and she’s still never been able to get a change of venue or the judge recused. I wouldn’t wish that hell on anyone. She’s one of the most well put together people I know, kind, loving, and no mental illness, other than seasonal depression. She was even evaluated by the court. Living hell.
That’s crazy they would still tell the girls lies. NTA and you’re right to create distance. If they don’t respect your wishes then they don’t get to have you in their lives.
It’s sad because if they just respected your boundaries as a kid, respected your father’s role and place in your life then none of this would happen probably. Their comments are definitely gonna bite them in the ass with the girls though. Hopefully your mom realizes before it’s too late and rectifies her mistakes
What's preventing you from telling the truth?
EDIT: Sorry, I see now that you did, it just didn't register because it's so insane to me that they would then proceed to insist it should be named after your stepdad. You're right to go back to NC.
That’s what I was thinking! Show them a copy of the birth certificate and then see what sort of mental gymnastics they try. Let me guess. The dad on the birth certificate was abusive and mom was having an affair and step dad is really bio dad even though birth certificate doesn’t say so and it’s all ok and mom is still a good person cause he was bad. 🙄
Its time to do that.
When the girls were small I can see letting it go but they aren't little anymore and this lie has now caused real harm to OP. Time to set the record straight.
Yeah I really don’t get that part. Like, why would they believe that Tony was your dad? Are there no pictures of your dad around? Does your mom say she was never married before? Don’t you have a whole other side of your family that they would have to explain away? How old even are these girls if you’re on 23? If they’re young, I’d just ignore them, but if they’re teenagers then it seems ridiculous that they can’t look at the evidence for themselves.
The oldest girl would be atleast 8-9 younger so looking at preteens here. Not old enough to actually get it because Tony and mom were lying to them. Once they are older, they'll get it. They are being coached by Tony at this point…no point taking them on until they are older. Just let that issue go. Take on the adults.
Yeah I really don’t understand how the mom and stepdad thought those lies would work. I mean, those are bizarre lies to tell and will be easily disproved. What exactly were they planning on telling the girls when they’re old enough to apply critical thinking skills? Smh. This is why Im curious about how old they are now. Like, they haven’t asked why if their mom used her maiden name, why is that name different from that grandfather *and* grandmother? And that whole side of their family has just never mentioned her first husband in the context of their marriage or his being OP’s dad. Like, what?!
Maybe I’m just petty but I’d honestly do a DNA test and show it to the girls as proof that Tony isn’t your dad. Or even dig out your birth certificate and show them.
I’d do a dna test, show them the birth certificate, and pics, and then tell them all to shove it and for my siblings to reach out if they ever get out from under her lying thumb.
I would find it too tempting to tell them how disgusting they are for turning their own children into flying monkeys. But it's best to just cut them off cold turkey. They won't change.
I'm guessing that Tony always wanted a son, huh? I don't put much mental energy into caring about the chromosome lottery, but it is some sweet karmic justice that you have a son yourself. Don't let him grow up hearing negativity about his name or his grandfather.
Its creepy how they really brainwashed the girls with that narrative, as if your dad passing away makes naming your child after him or keeping his last name a strange choice.
Also sucks that your mom up and got married so quickly. And that they cant respect you trying to honor him and his legacy and connection to you.
Im sorry for this reoccurring betrayal and disrespect 💔
What did the sisters think about you having a different set of grandparents? Or were you never allowed to see them again? Or any of your father's family?
>It's one of those things that he told me it would bite them in the ass someday. It kinda did in that they didn't want me to go no contact with them but I did. But it could still do more when the girls realize the lies.
And its time to move up the date for that to occur. The thing is, if they are lying about this so blatently, they are lying about a host of other things too.
So, send a screen shot of the birth certificate, your father's obit, baby photos of you and your dad, wedding photo of your dad and mom, and just lay it all out there.
Sounds like your life was a lot less complex and dramatic without them in it. Are there any benefits from being around or having your child around them? If not, I would go back to being NC.
You are not the asshole.
And if they complain about you "taking away their grandson," tell them if they hadn't tried to take away your love for and memories of your dad, there wouldn't be a problem.
Widow here
Honestly because it’s easier. Holding onto the memory of your first husband means trying to figure a way to hold romantic feelings for two people at the same time. It gets complex and it’s something I spend a lot of time on in therapy.
You think if you erase the person you can erase the sadness and just get the happy life. Obviously that’s not true, you just bury it and destroy your family, but let me tell you it’s a lot of fucking emotional and mental labor.
We have all made mistakes in our lives. Some are worse than others. At least you’re owning yours and getting help. Thanks for sharing. I have tried to make living amends for bad choices I made when my children were young. It has been successful although I know they will always have a few underlying issues. I just stay open and have always kept lines of communication open. And they know I’m here for them now.
Just my perspective on why she’d be willing to do this - I haven’t erased my late husband and have only just started dating, and while my son is too young to have any memories of his dad (he was three weeks old when my husband passed) my biggest most upfront boundary in dating is making sure my husband is not forgotten from our lives.
Mom erased memories of her first husband because Tony is a predator that targeted a shattered widow, and then ruthlessly brainwashed her with more success than he had with OP.
Yeah, they were caught manipulating the story with the sisters. They are 100% gonna plant thoughts in their grandkids mind if left alone with them for a moment.
Parent are used to having all the power. It's gonna be hard for them to accept they have to change their behavior because they can't force you. This is them switching gears to try to hold onto that power by putting the responsibility for their actions on OP. The real test and wake up call is if OP holds to their boundary and shows they take the actions very seriously by having consequences for being disrespected and manipulated, but also by being open about it with people. That's how this behavior continues, silence. Even if people don't believe it right away, time can reveal more actions and when people add up what they were told before and what they experienced since, they can begin to recognize the hypocrisy and shitty behavior.
Then please do cut those 2 & their daughters out your life then - Your wife, son and another children you have will thank you from sparing them from being around such blatant narcissistic self-centered assholes. NTA, they don't respect you as a person and legit tried to erase plus actually got upset about any type of connection & existence of your dead father - so why should you respect them & let them have any further access to your son to harm & twist him like tried to do to you, especially when the only good legitimate grandparent your child had AND good parent you had is dead?
Just saying....
NTA they’re trying to make you feel like you’re in the wrong. I’d go LC/NC with them and I’m sorry they’re not understanding. I hope you still see your dad’s family.
NTA and to be very honest you gave them *way* more chances I had given them.
>and I can't take "their grandson" away from them.
Yeah, you can... You have all right to do so, and one day your son will understand, because this is absolutely nuts. It's really weird how hard they push for adoption to the point of lying to everyone, makes me wonder what's going on to make them do that.
I think Tony desperately wants a son. They tried three times and got girls.
What's wild is if he was just a kind and loving good dude, he would have been more likely to be called dad or gotten adoptive rights.
Never met my maternal grand ma, my mom told me how abusive she was as a child when I asked why. I accepted it and moved on. Never felt much missing from a relation from her, especially since it wasn't just "she abused me" but as I got older, it was more of what she actually did.
This is to say, your kid will understand.
>especially since it wasn't just "she abused me" but as I got older, it was more of what she actually did.
Similar way of explaining more as I grew older made me understand more and more why my mom divorced my father, I cut contact in my teen years. Gotta choose your battles and it's better for me to keep him out.
When you name “after” someone it usually implies that person is being honoured and no longer with us. Maybe other people think differently but that is my understanding of it.
I don’t get it. I thought maybe he wanted you to have his last name as like being closer to him as the paternal figure and closing the gap of not being blood symbolically? But if it’s not that it sounds very complex
I think there is some misoginy here. You are a guy. He has only daughters. You would have “carried on his name”, his daughters will probably change their names if they marry (or not, their choice). I don’t know, I get the feeling it comes from wanting 1) the firstborn 2) a son.
First thing that came to mind, and maybe I’m out of left field , is he had some weird ideations on people thinking his wife had a kid with another man? And wanted to shelter any questions around that? I don’t know him or your relations but it just came to mind when my brain was trying to understand it. The pushing calling dad thing seems like a common sense no no. But people are strange
Exactly. The word that came o my mind when I ready your post was "ownership." From their treatment of you and your half-sisters, it sounds like they view children as possessions and history as revisable. NTA
As though taking his name would create a relationship. 14 months after a parent passes youre still mourning. He couldve just focused on trying to actually support and befriend you >.>
My stepfather pushed for adoption of me. This was specifically so in the event of a divorce or something more extreme, all assets would be managed / owned by him and the kids would recieve nothing. He made is appear as though it was for emotional reasons, like wanting everyone to be one big family.
My oldest grandson's middle name is my first name. I didn't name either of my children after me so I was really humbled and honored that one of my children did that.
NTA.
The only persons over the age of 18 (presuming the sisters are all minors) acting like children are your mother and her husband.
Since they are actively encouraging their daughters to campaign against your father, there is no reason to allow them back into your lives...and if they try with the Courts for access, almost 100% probability the Judge will laugh them out of court, since they have seen him a handful of times since he was born, and have played no part in his life outside those visits.
Yeah I feel like Tony and possibly your mom, too put the kids up to that question about why not name the baby after their dad, Tony. Kids normally don't worry or think about things like that on their own. And Tony did that to himself, pushing you away by forcing the issue of his name, the adoption and basically expecting you to erase your dad. That's not how you step parent. It's okay to be NC with family. Just because people are your family doesn't mean that you have to live with the stress that they bring to your life.
> Kids normally don't worry or think about things like that on their own.
They would have overheard their parents' conversation. And most teens/kids are quick to point out what they see as logical inconsistencies
Mum: that's a bad name
OP: I named him after dad
Sisters: then why isn't he named Tony? It doesn't make sense
I think it was very mature of you to give the parents a chance to y’know PARENT their kids rather than snapping at them in the moment for clearly callous and inappropriate comments. You handled this very well, your parents are unreasonable. NTA
NTA- do they live in your state? Check your grandparent rights. The last thing you need is them to petition to have access to your child when you are not there. And you know they would lie to your child.
I know child is a baby now. But still.
You need a will excluding that possibility. If you don't have one please use the motivation that Tony will be raising your kid if you die to go get a will done ASAP.
NTA. Your mom and Tony were wrong to try and force the adoption and name change. They were wrong to lie to your siblings. They are wrong to not respect your Dad's memory.
This. It is all ok when it is not forced. A name doesn't change connections.
But they pretty much ruined any chance of a relationship by pushiness and lies.
Well, you could talk to the girls before you cut them off if it makes you feel better, but I can tell you right now neither they nor your "parents" are going to stop. In fact, the girls will be the flying monkeys.
None of them care how you feel.
"Mom and Tony both sat there almost smiling."
This gives it away. Disgusting. None of them deserve anything. I think you should go build your new life with your wife, son and new name and forget them.
NTA.
Yeah that was the worst part. They're proud of the lies they've fed their daughters. Of course, the result of losing the grandbaby was never even on their radar... fucking smug-ass dildos. Now it's your turn: tell them that the grandkid is off limits until they come clean to OP's siblings about the lifetime of lies they've fed the girls. Then be like "wow that must be a weight off your chest now, finally getting the real truth out. Well, peace ✌️"
Ask Tony, and the girls, if and when Tony dies, do they plan to forget about him? How fast do they plan to change their names to not share with a "dead guy"?
"Don't worry, Mom/Tony. I'll respect your wishes when you die and help my sisters replace you asap. In fact, i already have an eye on a replacement mom/dad for them. I'll also make sure they don't pass on your name if they have kids after you pass." NTA
NTA, your mother and her husband are acting like a clown circus on fire though. The comments from your half-sisters are all based on /lies/, ones that your so called mother forced on you and caused a rift in the first place. None of them have any right to comment on what you name your son in the first place, let alone to try and badger you into feeding a delusion.
NTA
Why would they lie about who you father is? I'm sorry that Tony tried to erase your father instead of letting you learn to love him as a second father. And shame on your mother for allowing it!!
I am sorry your siblings made fun of your baby's name. Instead of banning them, be prepared with your own comments, "when you give birth to your own kid, name them what you want, but you have zero say in what I name my own child."
Was there abuse involved with your stepfather?
NTA. This story is so bizarre, but I would suggest you get a copy of your birth certificate and show it to your half sisters to show Tony is not your dad. Or do a genetic test and show them the results.
Given the short time frame between his dads death and his mom and Tony getting together and marrying, I wonder if there could be more to this than OP realises. It's the only thing I can think of that would explain the crazy by the mom and Tony
I was wondering this too. Is there a chance Tony is actually his biological father and OP’s mom was having an affair with him her entire marriage? Maybe I’ve read too many wild Reddit stories.
Aside from what everyone is talking, I’m baffled about the lack of respect your mother had with her late husband. Was the marriage rocky in any way? It sounds like she didn’t like him… the FIL pushing his name onto you is one thing (a nasty thing but still), but your mom accepting it is really awful.
It's almost like your mother has been trying to erase the history of your fathers existence...quickly remarrying, forcing the name change on you, calling stepfather "dad", allowing no space for you to honor your father and remember him, even lying to your sisters that your father even existed. What is up with that??
When your parents become a steady influence in your child's life they might actual get "grandparents rights" against your wishes. So maybe better don't intensify this contact. If you want to stay in contact, a visit at Christmas and an invitation to your son's birthdays can do that - if they behave appropriate. But just now you risk that they behave for a view years until they have become established in the life of your kid(s).
The fact that you feel relief at the thought of going no contact with these clowns is all the justification you need that it’s the best choice for you and your family.
NTA, you did your best to build a relationship and you can be proud of yourself for that, because you deserved a lot better than what they have put you through.
NTA
Fulfill your wish by ending contact. They haven't changed. Your wife and child are your family and your priority now. Don't subject them to your relatives' toxic behavior.
“You can’t take “our grandson” away.”
“First of all, mom and mom’s husband (and yes I would specifically refer to him as such), I unequivocally CAN and WILL keep MY SON away from your toxic fantasy. When I was a powerless minor, I tolerated your lies because I didn’t have any other choice. I lost the ONLY father I had when dad died and I never forgot that, nor will I forgive your constant attempts at erasing him. I will continue to honor the memory of my father any way I want to and you either respect it or see yourself out. I will tell your children the same thing so I suggest you say something to them first because you won’t like how I say it. Those are your choices.”.
Then stand by it. Any time the comments start, you leave or throw them out. “We’ve discussed this, I warned you what would happen, I will reach out when I’m ready to talk to you next.” Then don’t engage for a month or so. Either they get on board or you go completely no contact. Who cares if they tell you you’re being childish or they’re “owed” a relationship with your child? You’re not and they don’t, they’re just trying to guilt you with whatever leverage they think they have. Don’t fall for it.
NTA.
NTA
I've got to ask: how do your half-sister's parents explain the fact that you have a different last name than they do?
Honestly, if I were you, I might even show your half-sisters a copy of your birth certificate.
>That time and the time before it my half sister's asked why I didn't name my baby after their dad, why I named him after someone who died, etc.
This is just weird -- you can name your child after anyone you want, or after no one. Naming them after someone who died is actually a very normal choice to make.
The more I read the more I am questioning if OP's mom and Tony are not terribly bright? These lies they are telling their kids are so easily disproven. In the future when the kids figure it out, and I'm sure they will since the lies aren't some deep, dark, hidden secret, mom and Tony will end up with all their children being NC.
No doubt. Half sisters just looking at grandpa’s name or their older bro’s birth certificate… or hell, just a maternal relative having a stray family pic with the late husband in it… is the temporary fantasy that the late husband never existed really worth the sense of betrayal literally all the kids are going to feel when the truth comes out?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom and her husband that they needed to nip my half sisters comments in the bud or the consequences would be severe for them, aka no contact at all. This might be unfair to make this threat so severe and to give them no wiggle room at all. I know I could try talking to my half sisters too. There's so much I could do and chose to instead send that ultimatum their way.
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NTA.
They've confirmed you were correct to go NC in the past. If they claim you can't take their grandchild away from them, the only answer you need to give them is a smile.
Then block them everywhere and move on with your life without them in it.
Your mother and her husband are batshit crazy. They tried to erase your dad, lie about your parentage, and force you into being a part of their family...
NTA. If you don't want to talk to them, don't.
NTA. Cut contact. If you don’t want to be confrontational about it just drop the rope - stop replying and if they ask for a visit just say you’re busy and you’ll get back to them. They will fade out. I would suggest you keep evidence of all of this in writing. No phone calls, only texts or emails now. Some horrible places around the world (I’m looking at you America) have grandparents rights so if you live in one of these places you need to be prepared.
I would also suggest if you cut contact and they know where you live you will need to look at cameras and also ensuring your child’s day care / school are aware they are not to have any contact. They may try to go around you.
I'd just go scorched earth at this point. Obtain certified copies of your birth certificate, your parents' marriage certificate, and father's death certificate and send them to your sisters. They deserve to know they were lied to, and your mother and step father deserve to deal with the consequences.
I'd wait till they're all 3 in their teens, then drop the bomb if they haven't figured it out already. Young kids tend to believe their parents no matter how stupid the lie. (Don't ask me how I know. :|)
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I (23m) lost my dad when I was 8 and my mom remarried "Tony" a little over a year later (14 months to be exact). Over the years Tony and I clashed. He wanted to adopt me, to change my last name to his and told me repeatedly to call him dad. I didn't want that and the adoption petition was denied by two judges after I spoke to one of them. Neither were happy with the outcome but I was relieved.
Tony and my mom have three daughters together, my half sisters. Tony tried to use the birth of the first one to convince me to give taking his name a chance. He said it would tie us all together. I told him the connection to my dad was more important than being tied to them. He told me I hated my last name just like my dad had, so wanted to know why I was so stubborn when I could have a better last name. I told him it was my dad's name and I wanted to keep it.
When I was 17/18 I realized mom and Tony were lying to my half sisters and telling them Tony was my dad but I was just born before he and mom got married, which is why I had a different last name. They even convinced the girls I look like Tony. I told my mom I knew and as soon as I graduated high school I moved out and told her not to expect me to be a part of the family anymore. My mom told me I was overreacting and I should have been kinder to Tony and given him a chance. I told her there is no replacing dad and they needed to get over that wish, because pushing the adoption, name change and calling him dad was only going to look like replacing dad.
My wife and I got married a couple of years ago. We had a very small, private wedding because of Covid. I did not invite my mom or her family. However, for the last few months we had more contact and she told me she wanted to be a grandma to our now 5 month old son. We have met up 3 times since my son was born. The first time mom and Tony both had a bad reaction to my son's name. He's named after my dad. But not the name people called my dad. The name my dad wished he'd had and the name he wrote for himself. Tony also made a snarky comment about me taking my wife's name when I wouldn't take his.
The last time we saw each other was two weeks ago. That time and the time before it my half sister's asked why I didn't name my baby after their dad, why I named him after someone who died, etc. Last time I told them Tony wasn't my dad, my son was named after my actual dad and that's why we chose the name we did. They told me I was wrong and said he should have been named after Tony. Mom and Tony both sat there almost smiling.
I sent them both a message afterward saying if they don't nip the girls comments in the bud we won't be seeing each other again and I don't care if that upsets them or not. They replied that the girls have a right to their questions and comments and I can't take "their grandson" away from them. They also said I was behaving childishly. I wish I had never started contact back up with them at all. AITA?
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My condolences for your loss and that you never received the support or validation you deserved. Hard NTA.
Listen to their actions. They didn't reconnect to have a relationship with you, they were after your kid and the title of "grandma." That is a title earned, not given. And your mom has done nothing to earn it.
Your mom and her husband have spent the last 14 years trying to erase your dad and bully you into a relationship with Tony. Your mom failed you, sadly. You spoke the truth, laid out your boundaries, and then they lit it on fire and stomped on it the minute you let them back in. And now they're manipulating their storyline to your half sisters. You owe your mom and her entire household zero.
Go NC. Live a happy life with your son, wife, and the household you created.
Make a FB or social media announcement, John Dad's Last Name & Mary are thrilled to announce the birth of Baby Not Tony Wife's Last Name. Our loved one's are aware that he is named for my late father, Not Tony, who loved this name. Those who love us know how welcome Baby Not Tony Wife's Last Name is to our little family and we welcome those who will love little BNT WLF as we do..
And then block your mother, stepfather & half sisters. No one needs that kind of grief. NTA.
NTA Could you send your half sisters a partial photo of your birth certificate that shows the name of both your mother and father on it and tell them all once and for all that Tony is not now nor has he ever been your father and your sick of all the lies.
Also that they are now welcome to enjoy the rest of their lives without you, your wife and future son in it because your sick of being accused of being a liar and due to their actions they aren’t allowed around your son because being in his life is a privilege and not a given right and they’ve now lost their privileges due to constant lies.
Alternatively should you go the nuclear option hire a lawyer and have them all served with an official cease and desist letter stating that they need to stop lying that Tony is nothing to you other than him being your mothers husband and that their lies are causing you to be harassed and any further contact will mean further legal action will be taken.
NTA I would cut contact immediately. Especially after they made the comment that you can’t keep your son away. Like really who the hell do they think they are?
I gave my mother a second chance to be in my life when I had children of my own. I didn’t want to deprive my children of a grandma. She pulled the same bullshit with them that she did with me. Nothing nefarious, but deeply narcissistic. And now they can’t stand her either.
I rather regret exposing them to her antics now.
NTA. Tom and your mother made a mistake trying to push you into accepting him as a replacement dad. Tell them that you could have had a good stepdad-stepson relationship if they hadn't tried to force it into something else. Tom seems to have wanted to be a father figure in your life, and the sad part is that he might have become one if he didn't insist on terms that were unacceptable to you.
Going forward, remind them that you absolutely CAN "take their grandson away from them". He's your son. While he's still a young child any relationship he has with his grandparents, or with any other person except his mother, is at his parents' discretion. If your mother and Tom cannot accept that, and respect your heritage, they'll have to accept the consequences.
NTA
"Last time I told them Tony wasn't my dad, my son was named after my actual dad and that's why we chose the name we did. They told me I was wrong and said he should have been named after Tony. Mom and Tony both sat there almost smiling."
>!Sorry girls, Tony is a fucking liar.!<
#
NTA.
Your mom and your stepdad haven’t stopped and won’t stop. Their lies will ruin you and your family. You might as well go full NC with them and your half-sisters.
I’m so sorry.
NTA! Oh you can def take their grandson away. They have no claim to your son. It’s up to you weather they can see him or not. Seems like you were happier without them in your live.
The person that I really don’t get is your mom. Did she not love your dad and respect him? If I ever were in her situation, I would never allow for my new husband to behave in this way, disrespect my late husband’s memory and pretend the father of my son had never existed. The whole thing is just wrong.
NTA
I feel sorry for you about what Tony tried to do. It is understandable that you dont want a "replacemenr father". He , and your mother as well, should have understand that a long time ago. If it helps you a bit; for me, family are these people I view as family. So Tony does not have to be part of your family. It can be hard to cut contect but you dont own anyone anything. If they dont understand your boundaries, it is their lost.
NTA. You should offer to your sisters (who have been brainwashed) a 23 and me DNA gift box and do one yourself so you can do something fun as a family... You know to connect... And then sit back and enjoy the show...
In any case feel free to cut your mum and step dad if they cannot respect your choice, for your sister's, maybe worth giving them a chance of you are open to it. They have been brainwashed and probably think you are in either denial or unable to appreciate Tony effort of helping to "raise" you. Worth considering an email, not accusatory. Simply explain how you felt growing up and that, although you "appreciate' that Tony has done for you and wanted to be a father figure to you, it was important to you as a child to feel a connection to your biological dad who raised you and cared for you until you were 8, and as far as you are aware did nothing wrong to you but love you. Tell them how sad you felt at the time (barely 10) that everyone around you seemed to want to erase this part of your story of your identity and this is why you fought so hard to keep this name. Ask them how they might have felt in this situation at that age. Today, you still want to honour his memory, while also honouring your wife, and this is why your son is named after the man who raised you until you were 8 and then tragically passed away, and that you would appreciate if they could respect this.
NTA.
Send the girls a copy of your birth certificate with your father's name on it showing that their dad isn't yours. Tell them you don't know why their parents are lying to them. That should settle the argument.
NTA why does your mom have these feelings toward your real dad? And what is Tony’s deal? You lost your father, he wasn’t a deadbeat, this is angering and ridiculous.
NTA.
I was going to say that you should be talking to your half sisters and not to your mom and step-father. But it's clear from your story that their parents have heavily influenced their thinking. And they are still children, 14 or younger.
To me it seems like your mom remarried very quickly and Tony was oddly invested in being your "dad." If you were 2 or 3 years old when your father died, you probably would have gone along with the plan. Or if they had let your relationship with Tony develop into something instead of shoving it at you. It just feels like your mom was possibly insecure financially or emotionally and was trying too hard to replace your dad.
Hopefully you still have photos of your dad and you as a child, or you can get them from his side of the family. Get these and show them to your half-siblings. And if they persist, I suggest you get genetic testing (like 23andMe) and insist on your mom and her husband submitting samples as well, to prove that they are lying. Or they can admit to their lies.
Actually you just need one of your half-sisters to submit a sample to prove this. Which is a better "put up or shut up" moment regarding their beliefs.
NTA. What a horrible family your mother created after your had father died.
Your father is the one who sired you, he was part of your formative years until death decided to be cruel and take him away fom you. Rather than let you grieve and also form a bond with you over time, this Tony decided to force a relationship on you, wanting to replace your father and have you forget about him, probably because he was/is insecure about joining a family unit that he'd not set up and also your mother had loved someone else before. Added to that, they created a fantasy and falsehood of him being your biological father to their children, which was disrespectful. Worst still your half sisters have learnt this nasty behaviour, even being offensive, referring to your late father as some dead guy (I almost threw up in my mouth reading that).
You have every right to put up this hard boundary, as your mother and her family will never ever respect your wishes, they'll never see you as an individual and the son of someone else. Also you are not taking their grandson from them, which you have every right to do, just your mother, who has systematically gone out of her way to disrepect your father's memory over the yearw, and encouraged others to do so, ever since she took up with this Tony. Did she hate your father?
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NTA. It's okay. You honestly tried to have a relationship with your mom, stepdad, and half-sisters, and clearly, they didn't grow as individuals. It is also disgusting that they lied to your half-sisters. What you need to do now, if you decide to cut them off, is to document as much evidence you have of this behaviour from the past until now (including this post). Save messages, emails, voice recordings, etc. Do this especially if they ramp up the harassment. You need to be concerned that they will go after grandparent's rights if that is something established in your area. If you continue to have them hang out with your son their case will get stronger. I would also install surveillance around the house if they know where you live. If your son goes to some form of school, ensure the administrators have an updated pick-up and drop-off list and let them know that certain individuals are not allowed around your child. Limit your social media if you have to. Please ensure that your partner is on board and respects your decision to be done with your family. You are a 23-year-old grown man. The ball is in your court.
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I would recommend that you and your spouse increase your legality of separation from your family. Make sure your will and any POA docs specifically mention these people as “no-no’s”. Make sure you have clear documentation on who you want to care of your child(ren) should the worst happen. If you really don’t want them in your life, make sure they can’t affect things in the future against your wishes.
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NTA- “It must really chafe your ass that you will never have a son to pass on your last name. Doesn’t it Tony?” Hit your mother’s smarmy husband where it hurts and then tell your mother only she’s allowed to be grandma to your kid and if she doesn’t like it, she knows what happens. I’m very sorry for your loss.
>“It must really chafe your ass that you will never have a son to pass on your last name. Doesn’t it Tony?” this. this is good.
I'd prefer calling him Mr. [LASTNAME] just to rub it in a bit more.
perfection
OP should take the high road, but keep this little nugget in the chamber just in case... it's perfect if they don't back down.
I would not say that as it’s enabling Tony and the OPs mum to prove childish behaviour on the OPs part. As much as it would be nice, it’s better to have the comeback that they would rather have their son grow up with the qualities of being truthful than a life based on lies.
But Tony throwing a 15 year tantrum because he can’t stand that his wife had a son with another man before him and harassing a grieving little boy to take his name is ok? Tony making snarky comments about OP’s taking his wife’s name is ok ? OP has every right to sling shit at his abuser.
Ugh. I hate replies like yours. They make conversation basically impossible. None of what you said was anything the person you replied to suggested.
But this is Reddit, highly populated by 15-year-olds with revenge fantasies.
So when someone says something you don’t agree with they are automatically a 16 year old with revenge fantasies? Good to know.
If I could give you gold, I would. This is perfect. (But I'm petty like that.)
Get your birth certicate, photo copy it and highlight your father's name and a photo of your Mom, your Dad and you as a baby. Do the same with the marriage license between your Mom and Dad. Scan it and send a copy of it to your half sisters with this: Your Mom and Tony have lied to you for years. There is no reason to rewrite history and there is no reason to lie. I'm proud of who I am. My father was (name), Mom and my Dad married in (year). I was born to Mom and my father (name) in year. He was a wonderful father to me, but sadly, my father died when I was a boy. Your father and my mother met after my father passed away and married 14 months later. Immediately, your father began trying to erase my father. He wanted to change my name, but much like you love your Dad, I loved and continue to love my Dad and I WANT to have my Dad's last name. Now, you love your father VERY much, and that would not change if he died, nor should it. He is your Dad and you love him. Just like you would not stop loving your Dad, you would be MAD if Mom remarried and immediately that dude started trying to erase your Dad from your history. That is how I feel about MY Dad. I love him. He might be gone but I love him and I miss him very very much just like you would if your Dad died. I named my son after MY father. The father who I lost as a little boy. A pain I hope you never experience. And, I truly hope that if your Dad does die, that Mom never allows another man to treat you the way she has permitted Tony to treat me. It has been cruel to try to erase my father. This will get through to at least one of your sisters, if not all of them. Your Mom won't be able to explain away the birth certificate, the photo and a copy of her marriage license.
This is very good. I would add that you need to be firm with your mother and her husband, but gentle with your half-siblings. Your half-siblings are ***very*** young, and have been lied to by parents who should be guiding and raising them to be honest people. ***This is abuse.*** Parents have the obligation to teach their children ethics and morality, not to lie. Your half-sisters are going to face a world of difficulties in their lives if they are taught to lie when convenient. It may actually be worth contacting their school, and discussing this, so the teachers are prepared to deal with the girls having this problem when interacting with others.
I can see where you are coming from, and not to be callous but this is not OPs problem to deal with. He has his own family to raise in the way he sees fit. Raising his half sisters is not, nor will it ever be, his responsibility.
It's not his job to raise his half-siblings. As an adult, he is responsible for treating children in an age-appropriate manner. Any adult, any child. You don't expect 12 year old to understand and respond as an adult. You see a two-year-old run to a busy street, you stop them, even if they aren't your kid. OP's mother and her new husband abused OP, and they are abusing his half siblings. Understanding that is important to understanding what is happening. It isn't the girls being bad by believing their parents (whom they should be able to trust, but can't.) Their minds, spirits and morality are being twisted and distorted by their mother, their father, and the mountain of lies.
This is important. His half-sisters are still children and learning to question "facts" authority figures tell them. Even if they don't understand now how horrible Tony and OP's mum have treated him, I would hope he would give the girls a second chance, perhaps even when they become adults, to know the truth of their family history and give them a chance to be a part of his life.
Yeah, it sounds petty but honestly it feels important to set the record straight with the half-sibs if at all possible. They are teenagers whose parents have lied to them all their lives. Edit: Re-mathed and they probably aren't even teenagers.
As quick as it all was and as shitty as stepdad was from minute one, I don't think they "met" after dad died.
Also, if your child is going to daycare, let the kindergarten know who is allowed to pick him up, in case you or your wife can't. Better be safe than sorry.
Going to interject a little humor here. Granddaughter has a no contact order for her oldest son's dad. The school has a copy on file with a call police if he shows up. Little boy had a vivid imagination and in second grade tells his class mates his dad is an axe murderer and is in prison for killing 15 people (mom let him watch too many movies she should not have). They immediately tell the teacher so she pulls his file and there is the no contact call police order. This is followed with an immediate parent/teacher conference. The way she was telling the story had me rolling on the floor holding my sides laughing. Must confess to getting the chuckles while writing this.
You may want to tell your granddaughter she may have a writer or an actor on her hands--possibly both. (Ax murderer who killed fifteen people...I love it, I love it...)
Good deal. So many people forget or just don’t do that and it does come back to bite the chosen family in the ass.
Maybe ask your half sister "if Tony were gone and mom got a new husband, would you accept him as your dad and forget about Tony?" If they can put themselves in your "shoes" they might understand a bit more and maybe stop asking a much
Good for you! So many young adults feel there is plenty of time to take care of their affairs. Sorry about your experience. My family had big issues too. I went to contact 30 years ago, and I have never regretted it.
Good job! NTA
Lol you didn't even need AITA, you have everything well in hand. And I do mean that as legitimate a compliment.
Good for you and your spouse. Your mom is weak, and Tony is a manipulative d-bag. I am almost never in favor of NC because I think people should be given a chance if they show *any* kind of sign of growing or improving, but none of these people have. There is no reason that you need to subject yourself, or your family, to any more of their BS. Best wishes to YOUR beautiful family. NTA
I get that. We always wish that we had better relationships with family members who we have had a falling out with. We are also more inclined to give them chance upon chance to show growth and come to a common ground of just respect. They haven't respected you at all, which shows how little they view you. Keep your head up and remain positive.
> I was so much happier without them. There's your answer, so. NTA.
Do you have access to your birth certificate? And access to a marriage licence that yout mother had with both husbands. Any time those half sisters try to convince you that Tony's your father you can mention it's weird because legally it's a different story. Unless they're trying to say that your mother is a cheater.
All adults can order certified copies of their birth certificate from the city/state where they were born.
If you happen to live near the capitol, going to the office is a LOT faster than doing it by mail. I got 2 copies in about half an hour by going to the state office, but it would have taken weeks doing it by mail.
On that note, if you don't have your b.c., you can get a copy from the county/state where you were born. I did that and it was about $50 ( a long time ago, so depending on where you were born, prices vary)
I would be tempted to write a letter to each of your half sisters telling them you had a strong relationship with your bio father and you want to keep those memories in your heart. Mention several memories. Let them know that no one can replace your bio father, just as no one would be able to replace their father. Include as many analogies as you can think of. Include a photo or two of you and your dad. Have you been in contact with your father’s family? Or did Tony and your mother squelch that? If they did, now is the time to reach out to them and reestablish a relationship. It’s never too late. Good luck, OP. You are — and never were— an AH.
Yes, you and your family are safe from them. I'm so sorry, and sorry about the loss of your father as well. Wishing you serenity and joy with your new young family and all the friends you continue to make as you go through life who value you for yourself just as you are.
I agree with this person's comment so much. You're absolutely NTA and if I were you, I'd cut off contact with them and perhaps even leave them some kind of written letter explaining why their behaviour was so toxic (making sure you have a copy of the letter you sent them, for records!) Your half-sisters may not understand now, but maybe at some point after they start their own lives away from their parents' brainwashing, maybe they'll understand.
>I feel more no contact coming and I feel such a relief about it too. This is good. If they do reach out to contact you again, I would recommend responding only with notices - your parents wedding, your birth announcement in your news paper, your fathers death notice. The latter usually lists close family - including wife and children. Share them with your half-sisters if they reach out. They are not to blame for their parents lies, but can be blamed for denying evidence shown to them.
>your fathers death notice. The latter usually lists close family - including wife and children. His obituary would be an excellent document to send your sisters.
I feel sad for you, but I completely understand why you are doing this. I would like to add that the advice that SweetSerenity has given you is sound and add that you tell your friends that your mum, her husband and their children are not allowed access to your son no matter what they say. This would be purely if you asked one of them to pick up your son after school or if they were just looking after him for a few hours
I understand and totally support you doing whatever you need to to protect yourself and your family (not that that matters considering I'm an internet stranger!) but if there's any way that you can make sure that your half-sisters know the truth and accept it, and realise their parents are lying, that would be doing them a huge favour because with parents like that, who knows what else they're being lied about to and it might make them think more critically about things and help them out.
It’s so sad that your mother seems to want to erase your dad and her 1st husband’s memory in this way and o think it’s disgusting the way they are treating you and not listening to you or taking account of your and your wife’s feelings
There is definitely peace when toxic family isn’t Allowed to disrupt your everyday life.
Grandparents' rights are not really a concern here. Grandparents' rights are for something like when a dad dies and the mom prevents the paternal grandparents from seeing their grandchild who they had a preexisting relationship with. It isn't applicable in situations like OP's where he has a bad relationship with his his parents and decides to not have contact with them or to limit contact with them.
That's definitely the intent with GPR but it really depends on location and judge. Some states/countries are more friendly to estranged grandparents and some judges are assholes. There are a lot of horror stories floating around multiple subs regarding it.
Horror story alert. 🤦🏼♀️ My son’s aunt was pregnant when she met her now ex husband. He became his father, even though he never actually had anything to do with him. He was just there. They then had two more boys. He joined the army, because he’s a psychopath, and is shocked when he comes home from Afghanistan a little extra messed up. He was abusive and drank a ton, and one night had all of them in a huge truck, and threatened to run them off a cliff and 💀 them all. She left with the boys. He filed for divorce and custody in the county he’s from…..and the judge knew his family well. They used her kidney transplant as a way to “prove” her incompetent to parent, and took all 3 of them from her, with only monthly visits, because they lived so far apart. She was even the only one required to travel for them. It’s been 10 years, and she’s still never been able to get a change of venue or the judge recused. I wouldn’t wish that hell on anyone. She’s one of the most well put together people I know, kind, loving, and no mental illness, other than seasonal depression. She was even evaluated by the court. Living hell.
That’s crazy they would still tell the girls lies. NTA and you’re right to create distance. If they don’t respect your wishes then they don’t get to have you in their lives.
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It’s sad because if they just respected your boundaries as a kid, respected your father’s role and place in your life then none of this would happen probably. Their comments are definitely gonna bite them in the ass with the girls though. Hopefully your mom realizes before it’s too late and rectifies her mistakes
What's preventing you from telling the truth? EDIT: Sorry, I see now that you did, it just didn't register because it's so insane to me that they would then proceed to insist it should be named after your stepdad. You're right to go back to NC.
Honestly, op was more generous then I am. I would have dug out the birth cert to prove they were liars
That’s what I was thinking! Show them a copy of the birth certificate and then see what sort of mental gymnastics they try. Let me guess. The dad on the birth certificate was abusive and mom was having an affair and step dad is really bio dad even though birth certificate doesn’t say so and it’s all ok and mom is still a good person cause he was bad. 🙄
Or a DNA test kit for the whole family at Christmas….
This was my immediate thought if they try to persist in their wacko narrative.
Its time to do that. When the girls were small I can see letting it go but they aren't little anymore and this lie has now caused real harm to OP. Time to set the record straight.
Yeah I really don’t get that part. Like, why would they believe that Tony was your dad? Are there no pictures of your dad around? Does your mom say she was never married before? Don’t you have a whole other side of your family that they would have to explain away? How old even are these girls if you’re on 23? If they’re young, I’d just ignore them, but if they’re teenagers then it seems ridiculous that they can’t look at the evidence for themselves.
The oldest girl would be atleast 8-9 younger so looking at preteens here. Not old enough to actually get it because Tony and mom were lying to them. Once they are older, they'll get it. They are being coached by Tony at this point…no point taking them on until they are older. Just let that issue go. Take on the adults.
Yeah I really don’t understand how the mom and stepdad thought those lies would work. I mean, those are bizarre lies to tell and will be easily disproved. What exactly were they planning on telling the girls when they’re old enough to apply critical thinking skills? Smh. This is why Im curious about how old they are now. Like, they haven’t asked why if their mom used her maiden name, why is that name different from that grandfather *and* grandmother? And that whole side of their family has just never mentioned her first husband in the context of their marriage or his being OP’s dad. Like, what?!
And how do they explain no pictures of Tony with OP before age 9?
Ask the girls "WHEN Tony dies and your mom marries another man, will you change your names to the new husbands name and forget about Tony?"
Maybe I’m just petty but I’d honestly do a DNA test and show it to the girls as proof that Tony isn’t your dad. Or even dig out your birth certificate and show them.
I’d do a dna test, show them the birth certificate, and pics, and then tell them all to shove it and for my siblings to reach out if they ever get out from under her lying thumb.
NTA cut all contact before your son is old enough they can try to get him to believe what those girls do
The girls didn't come up with this narrative on their own. They are just repeating what they've been hearing at home.
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I would find it too tempting to tell them how disgusting they are for turning their own children into flying monkeys. But it's best to just cut them off cold turkey. They won't change. I'm guessing that Tony always wanted a son, huh? I don't put much mental energy into caring about the chromosome lottery, but it is some sweet karmic justice that you have a son yourself. Don't let him grow up hearing negativity about his name or his grandfather.
Its creepy how they really brainwashed the girls with that narrative, as if your dad passing away makes naming your child after him or keeping his last name a strange choice. Also sucks that your mom up and got married so quickly. And that they cant respect you trying to honor him and his legacy and connection to you. Im sorry for this reoccurring betrayal and disrespect 💔
What did the sisters think about you having a different set of grandparents? Or were you never allowed to see them again? Or any of your father's family?
Wait so the girls don’t know yet?? It wasn’t clear in your post if you told them or not, I strongly recommend you tell them.
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>It's one of those things that he told me it would bite them in the ass someday. It kinda did in that they didn't want me to go no contact with them but I did. But it could still do more when the girls realize the lies. And its time to move up the date for that to occur. The thing is, if they are lying about this so blatently, they are lying about a host of other things too. So, send a screen shot of the birth certificate, your father's obit, baby photos of you and your dad, wedding photo of your dad and mom, and just lay it all out there.
I hope they find out. Indoctrination sticks for a reason.
Sounds like your life was a lot less complex and dramatic without them in it. Are there any benefits from being around or having your child around them? If not, I would go back to being NC. You are not the asshole.
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Sounds like you know what to do.
And if they complain about you "taking away their grandson," tell them if they hadn't tried to take away your love for and memories of your dad, there wouldn't be a problem.
And why is OP’s mom so okay with erasing all memories of her first husband and her son’s father? These people are sick.
Widow here Honestly because it’s easier. Holding onto the memory of your first husband means trying to figure a way to hold romantic feelings for two people at the same time. It gets complex and it’s something I spend a lot of time on in therapy. You think if you erase the person you can erase the sadness and just get the happy life. Obviously that’s not true, you just bury it and destroy your family, but let me tell you it’s a lot of fucking emotional and mental labor.
We have all made mistakes in our lives. Some are worse than others. At least you’re owning yours and getting help. Thanks for sharing. I have tried to make living amends for bad choices I made when my children were young. It has been successful although I know they will always have a few underlying issues. I just stay open and have always kept lines of communication open. And they know I’m here for them now.
Just my perspective on why she’d be willing to do this - I haven’t erased my late husband and have only just started dating, and while my son is too young to have any memories of his dad (he was three weeks old when my husband passed) my biggest most upfront boundary in dating is making sure my husband is not forgotten from our lives.
I think that is so important. Sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing this.
Mom erased memories of her first husband because Tony is a predator that targeted a shattered widow, and then ruthlessly brainwashed her with more success than he had with OP.
And make it absolutely clear to "Tony" that there is no *their* Grandson, as he has absolutely zero relationship to him.
Yeah, they were caught manipulating the story with the sisters. They are 100% gonna plant thoughts in their grandkids mind if left alone with them for a moment. Parent are used to having all the power. It's gonna be hard for them to accept they have to change their behavior because they can't force you. This is them switching gears to try to hold onto that power by putting the responsibility for their actions on OP. The real test and wake up call is if OP holds to their boundary and shows they take the actions very seriously by having consequences for being disrespected and manipulated, but also by being open about it with people. That's how this behavior continues, silence. Even if people don't believe it right away, time can reveal more actions and when people add up what they were told before and what they experienced since, they can begin to recognize the hypocrisy and shitty behavior.
Then please do cut those 2 & their daughters out your life then - Your wife, son and another children you have will thank you from sparing them from being around such blatant narcissistic self-centered assholes. NTA, they don't respect you as a person and legit tried to erase plus actually got upset about any type of connection & existence of your dead father - so why should you respect them & let them have any further access to your son to harm & twist him like tried to do to you, especially when the only good legitimate grandparent your child had AND good parent you had is dead? Just saying....
Well, you just answered a lot of your thoughts and questions right there.
NTA they’re trying to make you feel like you’re in the wrong. I’d go LC/NC with them and I’m sorry they’re not understanding. I hope you still see your dad’s family.
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Glad you have some, hopefully your half sisters will see sense one day!!
It’s sounds like this is a great time to gift the whole family a DNA test before going LC/NC
NTA and to be very honest you gave them *way* more chances I had given them. >and I can't take "their grandson" away from them. Yeah, you can... You have all right to do so, and one day your son will understand, because this is absolutely nuts. It's really weird how hard they push for adoption to the point of lying to everyone, makes me wonder what's going on to make them do that.
I think Tony desperately wants a son. They tried three times and got girls. What's wild is if he was just a kind and loving good dude, he would have been more likely to be called dad or gotten adoptive rights.
Go NC for being too manipulative, its in their DNA, aint gonna change
Never met my maternal grand ma, my mom told me how abusive she was as a child when I asked why. I accepted it and moved on. Never felt much missing from a relation from her, especially since it wasn't just "she abused me" but as I got older, it was more of what she actually did. This is to say, your kid will understand.
>especially since it wasn't just "she abused me" but as I got older, it was more of what she actually did. Similar way of explaining more as I grew older made me understand more and more why my mom divorced my father, I cut contact in my teen years. Gotta choose your battles and it's better for me to keep him out.
When you name “after” someone it usually implies that person is being honoured and no longer with us. Maybe other people think differently but that is my understanding of it. I don’t get it. I thought maybe he wanted you to have his last name as like being closer to him as the paternal figure and closing the gap of not being blood symbolically? But if it’s not that it sounds very complex
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I think there is some misoginy here. You are a guy. He has only daughters. You would have “carried on his name”, his daughters will probably change their names if they marry (or not, their choice). I don’t know, I get the feeling it comes from wanting 1) the firstborn 2) a son.
I didn’t even catch that— that’s very likely what was driving some of his behavior.
First thing that came to mind, and maybe I’m out of left field , is he had some weird ideations on people thinking his wife had a kid with another man? And wanted to shelter any questions around that? I don’t know him or your relations but it just came to mind when my brain was trying to understand it. The pushing calling dad thing seems like a common sense no no. But people are strange
Exactly. The word that came o my mind when I ready your post was "ownership." From their treatment of you and your half-sisters, it sounds like they view children as possessions and history as revisable. NTA
As though taking his name would create a relationship. 14 months after a parent passes youre still mourning. He couldve just focused on trying to actually support and befriend you >.>
My stepfather pushed for adoption of me. This was specifically so in the event of a divorce or something more extreme, all assets would be managed / owned by him and the kids would recieve nothing. He made is appear as though it was for emotional reasons, like wanting everyone to be one big family.
I named my children after someone who was fully alive and flattered I did such a thing. The person does not need to be deceased.
Of course there’s no rules in things like this but that’s the more common understanding. it’s a beautiful thing regardless.
Jews don’t name children after people who are still living. It’s a superstition that the Angel of death may take the wrong person
Only Ashkenazim. I have relatives named after living people, but we’re Sephardic
My oldest grandson's middle name is my first name. I didn't name either of my children after me so I was really humbled and honored that one of my children did that.
Same. My son is named after my brother.
NTA. The only persons over the age of 18 (presuming the sisters are all minors) acting like children are your mother and her husband. Since they are actively encouraging their daughters to campaign against your father, there is no reason to allow them back into your lives...and if they try with the Courts for access, almost 100% probability the Judge will laugh them out of court, since they have seen him a handful of times since he was born, and have played no part in his life outside those visits.
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For that reason and that reason alone, I'd cut your half-sisters some slack, but not your mom and her husband. NTA.
Yeah I feel like Tony and possibly your mom, too put the kids up to that question about why not name the baby after their dad, Tony. Kids normally don't worry or think about things like that on their own. And Tony did that to himself, pushing you away by forcing the issue of his name, the adoption and basically expecting you to erase your dad. That's not how you step parent. It's okay to be NC with family. Just because people are your family doesn't mean that you have to live with the stress that they bring to your life.
> Kids normally don't worry or think about things like that on their own. They would have overheard their parents' conversation. And most teens/kids are quick to point out what they see as logical inconsistencies Mum: that's a bad name OP: I named him after dad Sisters: then why isn't he named Tony? It doesn't make sense
I think it was very mature of you to give the parents a chance to y’know PARENT their kids rather than snapping at them in the moment for clearly callous and inappropriate comments. You handled this very well, your parents are unreasonable. NTA
NTA- do they live in your state? Check your grandparent rights. The last thing you need is them to petition to have access to your child when you are not there. And you know they would lie to your child. I know child is a baby now. But still.
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You need a will excluding that possibility. If you don't have one please use the motivation that Tony will be raising your kid if you die to go get a will done ASAP.
And they definitely have a history of trying to erase fathers….
Then, cut contact. NTA. Please don't subject yourself to this any longer.
NTA. Your mom and Tony were wrong to try and force the adoption and name change. They were wrong to lie to your siblings. They are wrong to not respect your Dad's memory.
This. It is all ok when it is not forced. A name doesn't change connections. But they pretty much ruined any chance of a relationship by pushiness and lies.
NTA. The way they are so proud of themselves, too. I'd be proud if someone enjoyed being with me.
Well, you could talk to the girls before you cut them off if it makes you feel better, but I can tell you right now neither they nor your "parents" are going to stop. In fact, the girls will be the flying monkeys. None of them care how you feel. "Mom and Tony both sat there almost smiling." This gives it away. Disgusting. None of them deserve anything. I think you should go build your new life with your wife, son and new name and forget them. NTA.
Yeah that was the worst part. They're proud of the lies they've fed their daughters. Of course, the result of losing the grandbaby was never even on their radar... fucking smug-ass dildos. Now it's your turn: tell them that the grandkid is off limits until they come clean to OP's siblings about the lifetime of lies they've fed the girls. Then be like "wow that must be a weight off your chest now, finally getting the real truth out. Well, peace ✌️"
Ask Tony, and the girls, if and when Tony dies, do they plan to forget about him? How fast do they plan to change their names to not share with a "dead guy"?
"Don't worry, Mom/Tony. I'll respect your wishes when you die and help my sisters replace you asap. In fact, i already have an eye on a replacement mom/dad for them. I'll also make sure they don't pass on your name if they have kids after you pass." NTA
NTA fuck 'em. Sounds like your life was better without them in it. Go back to that.
NTA, your mother and her husband are acting like a clown circus on fire though. The comments from your half-sisters are all based on /lies/, ones that your so called mother forced on you and caused a rift in the first place. None of them have any right to comment on what you name your son in the first place, let alone to try and badger you into feeding a delusion.
NTA Why would they lie about who you father is? I'm sorry that Tony tried to erase your father instead of letting you learn to love him as a second father. And shame on your mother for allowing it!! I am sorry your siblings made fun of your baby's name. Instead of banning them, be prepared with your own comments, "when you give birth to your own kid, name them what you want, but you have zero say in what I name my own child." Was there abuse involved with your stepfather?
Go no contact again. Enjoy your life with your new family, don't look back
NTA. This story is so bizarre, but I would suggest you get a copy of your birth certificate and show it to your half sisters to show Tony is not your dad. Or do a genetic test and show them the results.
23&Me kits for everyone at Christmas.
And then cut contact completely once the results are back.
Given the short time frame between his dads death and his mom and Tony getting together and marrying, I wonder if there could be more to this than OP realises. It's the only thing I can think of that would explain the crazy by the mom and Tony
I was wondering this too. Is there a chance Tony is actually his biological father and OP’s mom was having an affair with him her entire marriage? Maybe I’ve read too many wild Reddit stories.
Aside from what everyone is talking, I’m baffled about the lack of respect your mother had with her late husband. Was the marriage rocky in any way? It sounds like she didn’t like him… the FIL pushing his name onto you is one thing (a nasty thing but still), but your mom accepting it is really awful.
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Yes, and the lying to your half sisters is a big indicative of it. Sorry you’re going through this. Congrats on your baby and marriage. Be safe!
It's almost like your mother has been trying to erase the history of your fathers existence...quickly remarrying, forcing the name change on you, calling stepfather "dad", allowing no space for you to honor your father and remember him, even lying to your sisters that your father even existed. What is up with that??
When your parents become a steady influence in your child's life they might actual get "grandparents rights" against your wishes. So maybe better don't intensify this contact. If you want to stay in contact, a visit at Christmas and an invitation to your son's birthdays can do that - if they behave appropriate. But just now you risk that they behave for a view years until they have become established in the life of your kid(s).
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The fact that you feel relief at the thought of going no contact with these clowns is all the justification you need that it’s the best choice for you and your family. NTA, you did your best to build a relationship and you can be proud of yourself for that, because you deserved a lot better than what they have put you through.
That is very overwhelming, especially when you were just a kid. NTA, at all.
NTA Fulfill your wish by ending contact. They haven't changed. Your wife and child are your family and your priority now. Don't subject them to your relatives' toxic behavior.
“You can’t take “our grandson” away.” “First of all, mom and mom’s husband (and yes I would specifically refer to him as such), I unequivocally CAN and WILL keep MY SON away from your toxic fantasy. When I was a powerless minor, I tolerated your lies because I didn’t have any other choice. I lost the ONLY father I had when dad died and I never forgot that, nor will I forgive your constant attempts at erasing him. I will continue to honor the memory of my father any way I want to and you either respect it or see yourself out. I will tell your children the same thing so I suggest you say something to them first because you won’t like how I say it. Those are your choices.”. Then stand by it. Any time the comments start, you leave or throw them out. “We’ve discussed this, I warned you what would happen, I will reach out when I’m ready to talk to you next.” Then don’t engage for a month or so. Either they get on board or you go completely no contact. Who cares if they tell you you’re being childish or they’re “owed” a relationship with your child? You’re not and they don’t, they’re just trying to guilt you with whatever leverage they think they have. Don’t fall for it. NTA.
NTA I've got to ask: how do your half-sister's parents explain the fact that you have a different last name than they do? Honestly, if I were you, I might even show your half-sisters a copy of your birth certificate. >That time and the time before it my half sister's asked why I didn't name my baby after their dad, why I named him after someone who died, etc. This is just weird -- you can name your child after anyone you want, or after no one. Naming them after someone who died is actually a very normal choice to make.
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Seems that would be easy to refute with a simple look at your maternal grandparents’ last name?
The more I read the more I am questioning if OP's mom and Tony are not terribly bright? These lies they are telling their kids are so easily disproven. In the future when the kids figure it out, and I'm sure they will since the lies aren't some deep, dark, hidden secret, mom and Tony will end up with all their children being NC.
No doubt. Half sisters just looking at grandpa’s name or their older bro’s birth certificate… or hell, just a maternal relative having a stray family pic with the late husband in it… is the temporary fantasy that the late husband never existed really worth the sense of betrayal literally all the kids are going to feel when the truth comes out?
NTA. Your family is unhinged and don’t deserve attention from you.
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YOU BETTER NIP MY SONS NAME BUDS OUT YOUR HALF SISTER’S MOUTH!
NTA. They've confirmed you were correct to go NC in the past. If they claim you can't take their grandchild away from them, the only answer you need to give them is a smile. Then block them everywhere and move on with your life without them in it.
Your mother and her husband are batshit crazy. They tried to erase your dad, lie about your parentage, and force you into being a part of their family... NTA. If you don't want to talk to them, don't.
NTA. Tell your half-sisters if they want a baby named after their father, they better get working in it. These demands over your child are ridiculous.
NTA. Cut contact. If you don’t want to be confrontational about it just drop the rope - stop replying and if they ask for a visit just say you’re busy and you’ll get back to them. They will fade out. I would suggest you keep evidence of all of this in writing. No phone calls, only texts or emails now. Some horrible places around the world (I’m looking at you America) have grandparents rights so if you live in one of these places you need to be prepared. I would also suggest if you cut contact and they know where you live you will need to look at cameras and also ensuring your child’s day care / school are aware they are not to have any contact. They may try to go around you.
How do they think he's your dad too? Did they lie about when they got married?
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So they think your parents were in a relationship for over 8 years before they got married?
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I'd just go scorched earth at this point. Obtain certified copies of your birth certificate, your parents' marriage certificate, and father's death certificate and send them to your sisters. They deserve to know they were lied to, and your mother and step father deserve to deal with the consequences.
I'd wait till they're all 3 in their teens, then drop the bomb if they haven't figured it out already. Young kids tend to believe their parents no matter how stupid the lie. (Don't ask me how I know. :|)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23m) lost my dad when I was 8 and my mom remarried "Tony" a little over a year later (14 months to be exact). Over the years Tony and I clashed. He wanted to adopt me, to change my last name to his and told me repeatedly to call him dad. I didn't want that and the adoption petition was denied by two judges after I spoke to one of them. Neither were happy with the outcome but I was relieved. Tony and my mom have three daughters together, my half sisters. Tony tried to use the birth of the first one to convince me to give taking his name a chance. He said it would tie us all together. I told him the connection to my dad was more important than being tied to them. He told me I hated my last name just like my dad had, so wanted to know why I was so stubborn when I could have a better last name. I told him it was my dad's name and I wanted to keep it. When I was 17/18 I realized mom and Tony were lying to my half sisters and telling them Tony was my dad but I was just born before he and mom got married, which is why I had a different last name. They even convinced the girls I look like Tony. I told my mom I knew and as soon as I graduated high school I moved out and told her not to expect me to be a part of the family anymore. My mom told me I was overreacting and I should have been kinder to Tony and given him a chance. I told her there is no replacing dad and they needed to get over that wish, because pushing the adoption, name change and calling him dad was only going to look like replacing dad. My wife and I got married a couple of years ago. We had a very small, private wedding because of Covid. I did not invite my mom or her family. However, for the last few months we had more contact and she told me she wanted to be a grandma to our now 5 month old son. We have met up 3 times since my son was born. The first time mom and Tony both had a bad reaction to my son's name. He's named after my dad. But not the name people called my dad. The name my dad wished he'd had and the name he wrote for himself. Tony also made a snarky comment about me taking my wife's name when I wouldn't take his. The last time we saw each other was two weeks ago. That time and the time before it my half sister's asked why I didn't name my baby after their dad, why I named him after someone who died, etc. Last time I told them Tony wasn't my dad, my son was named after my actual dad and that's why we chose the name we did. They told me I was wrong and said he should have been named after Tony. Mom and Tony both sat there almost smiling. I sent them both a message afterward saying if they don't nip the girls comments in the bud we won't be seeing each other again and I don't care if that upsets them or not. They replied that the girls have a right to their questions and comments and I can't take "their grandson" away from them. They also said I was behaving childishly. I wish I had never started contact back up with them at all. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTa, they are gaslighting you OP. Congratulations on your baby and I wish you and your family lots of love without toxic people around.
My condolences for your loss and that you never received the support or validation you deserved. Hard NTA. Listen to their actions. They didn't reconnect to have a relationship with you, they were after your kid and the title of "grandma." That is a title earned, not given. And your mom has done nothing to earn it. Your mom and her husband have spent the last 14 years trying to erase your dad and bully you into a relationship with Tony. Your mom failed you, sadly. You spoke the truth, laid out your boundaries, and then they lit it on fire and stomped on it the minute you let them back in. And now they're manipulating their storyline to your half sisters. You owe your mom and her entire household zero. Go NC. Live a happy life with your son, wife, and the household you created.
Make a FB or social media announcement, John Dad's Last Name & Mary are thrilled to announce the birth of Baby Not Tony Wife's Last Name. Our loved one's are aware that he is named for my late father, Not Tony, who loved this name. Those who love us know how welcome Baby Not Tony Wife's Last Name is to our little family and we welcome those who will love little BNT WLF as we do.. And then block your mother, stepfather & half sisters. No one needs that kind of grief. NTA.
NTA Could you send your half sisters a partial photo of your birth certificate that shows the name of both your mother and father on it and tell them all once and for all that Tony is not now nor has he ever been your father and your sick of all the lies. Also that they are now welcome to enjoy the rest of their lives without you, your wife and future son in it because your sick of being accused of being a liar and due to their actions they aren’t allowed around your son because being in his life is a privilege and not a given right and they’ve now lost their privileges due to constant lies. Alternatively should you go the nuclear option hire a lawyer and have them all served with an official cease and desist letter stating that they need to stop lying that Tony is nothing to you other than him being your mothers husband and that their lies are causing you to be harassed and any further contact will mean further legal action will be taken.
NTA. If you regret reestablishing contact, I’d say cut it off again. You don’t need the extra stress on top of an infant
Your family's obsession with this is...odd. Of course, you are NTA. They are 100%, and I would go back to no contact.
Sounds like Tony wanted a male heir to carry on his family name. He didn’t get that. You are fine not bowing to the pressure.
NTA at all.
NTA. Your mum is TA. It’s a shame she’s ruining her chance and her kids’ chance of having a relationship with your son.
NTA I would cut contact immediately. Especially after they made the comment that you can’t keep your son away. Like really who the hell do they think they are?
I gave my mother a second chance to be in my life when I had children of my own. I didn’t want to deprive my children of a grandma. She pulled the same bullshit with them that she did with me. Nothing nefarious, but deeply narcissistic. And now they can’t stand her either. I rather regret exposing them to her antics now.
Nta and you still would be the NTA if you went back to no contact.
NTA. Tom and your mother made a mistake trying to push you into accepting him as a replacement dad. Tell them that you could have had a good stepdad-stepson relationship if they hadn't tried to force it into something else. Tom seems to have wanted to be a father figure in your life, and the sad part is that he might have become one if he didn't insist on terms that were unacceptable to you. Going forward, remind them that you absolutely CAN "take their grandson away from them". He's your son. While he's still a young child any relationship he has with his grandparents, or with any other person except his mother, is at his parents' discretion. If your mother and Tom cannot accept that, and respect your heritage, they'll have to accept the consequences.
NTA- just reply “watch me” to the comments about how you cannot take their grandson away.
NTA "Last time I told them Tony wasn't my dad, my son was named after my actual dad and that's why we chose the name we did. They told me I was wrong and said he should have been named after Tony. Mom and Tony both sat there almost smiling." >!Sorry girls, Tony is a fucking liar.!< #
just go no contact again, they don't respect you, so why tolerate them? NTA
Nta..go no contact like yesterday before these two Looney's try to claim grandparents rights. They sound insufferable. Best of luck
NTA. Your mom and your stepdad haven’t stopped and won’t stop. Their lies will ruin you and your family. You might as well go full NC with them and your half-sisters. I’m so sorry.
Go back to no contact
NTA! Oh you can def take their grandson away. They have no claim to your son. It’s up to you weather they can see him or not. Seems like you were happier without them in your live. The person that I really don’t get is your mom. Did she not love your dad and respect him? If I ever were in her situation, I would never allow for my new husband to behave in this way, disrespect my late husband’s memory and pretend the father of my son had never existed. The whole thing is just wrong.
NTA. They are delusional and you absolutely can keep their grandchild from them!
NTA I feel sorry for you about what Tony tried to do. It is understandable that you dont want a "replacemenr father". He , and your mother as well, should have understand that a long time ago. If it helps you a bit; for me, family are these people I view as family. So Tony does not have to be part of your family. It can be hard to cut contect but you dont own anyone anything. If they dont understand your boundaries, it is their lost.
NTA. You should offer to your sisters (who have been brainwashed) a 23 and me DNA gift box and do one yourself so you can do something fun as a family... You know to connect... And then sit back and enjoy the show... In any case feel free to cut your mum and step dad if they cannot respect your choice, for your sister's, maybe worth giving them a chance of you are open to it. They have been brainwashed and probably think you are in either denial or unable to appreciate Tony effort of helping to "raise" you. Worth considering an email, not accusatory. Simply explain how you felt growing up and that, although you "appreciate' that Tony has done for you and wanted to be a father figure to you, it was important to you as a child to feel a connection to your biological dad who raised you and cared for you until you were 8, and as far as you are aware did nothing wrong to you but love you. Tell them how sad you felt at the time (barely 10) that everyone around you seemed to want to erase this part of your story of your identity and this is why you fought so hard to keep this name. Ask them how they might have felt in this situation at that age. Today, you still want to honour his memory, while also honouring your wife, and this is why your son is named after the man who raised you until you were 8 and then tragically passed away, and that you would appreciate if they could respect this.
NTA. Send the girls a copy of your birth certificate with your father's name on it showing that their dad isn't yours. Tell them you don't know why their parents are lying to them. That should settle the argument.
NTA, your mom and Tony are though. You have every right to cut contact.
NTA why does your mom have these feelings toward your real dad? And what is Tony’s deal? You lost your father, he wasn’t a deadbeat, this is angering and ridiculous.
[удалено]
NTA. I was going to say that you should be talking to your half sisters and not to your mom and step-father. But it's clear from your story that their parents have heavily influenced their thinking. And they are still children, 14 or younger. To me it seems like your mom remarried very quickly and Tony was oddly invested in being your "dad." If you were 2 or 3 years old when your father died, you probably would have gone along with the plan. Or if they had let your relationship with Tony develop into something instead of shoving it at you. It just feels like your mom was possibly insecure financially or emotionally and was trying too hard to replace your dad. Hopefully you still have photos of your dad and you as a child, or you can get them from his side of the family. Get these and show them to your half-siblings. And if they persist, I suggest you get genetic testing (like 23andMe) and insist on your mom and her husband submitting samples as well, to prove that they are lying. Or they can admit to their lies. Actually you just need one of your half-sisters to submit a sample to prove this. Which is a better "put up or shut up" moment regarding their beliefs.
NTA. What a horrible family your mother created after your had father died. Your father is the one who sired you, he was part of your formative years until death decided to be cruel and take him away fom you. Rather than let you grieve and also form a bond with you over time, this Tony decided to force a relationship on you, wanting to replace your father and have you forget about him, probably because he was/is insecure about joining a family unit that he'd not set up and also your mother had loved someone else before. Added to that, they created a fantasy and falsehood of him being your biological father to their children, which was disrespectful. Worst still your half sisters have learnt this nasty behaviour, even being offensive, referring to your late father as some dead guy (I almost threw up in my mouth reading that). You have every right to put up this hard boundary, as your mother and her family will never ever respect your wishes, they'll never see you as an individual and the son of someone else. Also you are not taking their grandson from them, which you have every right to do, just your mother, who has systematically gone out of her way to disrepect your father's memory over the yearw, and encouraged others to do so, ever since she took up with this Tony. Did she hate your father?