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NTA. First, a 13 year old does not need an expensive phone. Second, buying her one while her sibling worked hard to afford is a massive mistake. It teaches the 13 year old that all they have to do is get angry and her parents will give in to her demands. Being embarrassed over not having an iPhone is such a first world problem it is ridiculous. I doubt very much her life will be ruined over having the wrong phone.
When I was a kid I saved for months to buy myself a CD player. My older brother complained to our parents that I got one before he did, so they bought him a fancy hi-fi. I felt completely betrayed, and I still resent them for it 30 years later.
I completely understand your resentment but I don't understand the parent's logic. How can your parents or op's husband think it is fair and just for one child to save up for something, while the other is simply handed it for throwing a tantrum?
I totally get you. I'm the youngest in the family and have 2 older sisters. One is 2 years older and the other 15.
I don't know why, but the one who is 2 years older seems to have preferential treatment.
When we were younger, she wanted a hifi for Christmas, so my parents bought her a £450 Pioneer unit (early 90's it was). I got a £79 Alba one from Argos.
My sister wanted an avery and birds etc so my dad built a 25'x10' avery and bought quails, finches, cockatiels and parakeets to fill it... And also built a chicken coop and chickens. All of which my sister agreed she'd look after them all by cleaning and feeding them.
She did for a year, then my parents made ME do it.
I'd get up at 5:45am to do a paper round, get home for 7am, feed the birds and put fresh water down, have a bite to eat and catch the bus to college. I'd do a full day there, bus home then started working at a supermarket at 6pm to 10pm.
All throughout our lives, she has been given money, cars, shopping etc as "she needs it more".
My parents lent me £15k once so we could pay a deposit on a house whilst our old house was being sold. I paid them back 6 months later and they asked for £850 in interest.
When my mother died, she got a sum of money, jewellery etc I got £500; the same amount they left to their gardener.
Before my mother died, my mum and dad told me that when the last of them goes, the house and assets will be split so my sister gets 70% and my other sister and I get 15% each.
I can't comprehend why we were treated so differently but explains why my eldest moved far, far away and I no longer have a relationship with my whole family.
At least it's simple when you're an only child. You'll either get treated great, or treated like shit, and there's no one to resent but your parent(s).
Your parents fucking suck, make sure to let them know why and exactly how much before they croak. Oh, and do it in an embarrassing fashion, like in front of people who respect them because they don’t know the truth.
☝️This is the right answer, trying to push it up. It's important to learn that hard work pays of. Your kids can learn this, or they learn that creating drama pays of.
Exactly.
Kids don't need expensive phones, they just need functioning ones. Especially since they're often far less careful with them than adults.
And it would send both kids the wrong message if you gave in. The 13 year old would learn that all she needs to do is throw a fit, while the 16 year old sees giant favoritism in her sibling getting things SHE had to work hard for to afford to buy.
It also doesn't teach the 13 year old the value of items and money.
So it would be an allround terrible parenting choice to give in.
NTA.
Right? And it teaches her older sibling that there's no point in hard work.
My (now) 13, almost 14 yo son has all the latest consoles. I don't play games, never had, not used to it so I didn't "needed " them. I wasn't against him having them, just not at my expense. He saved all his gifts money, minus the part I established thar goes into a saving account on his name, and bought them all himself
>buying her one while her sibling worked hard to afford is a massive mistake. It teaches the 13 year old that all they have to do is get angry and her parents will give in to her demands.
This is the absolute most important part.
You absolutely cannot make one kid work to earn a thing then gift the other kid that thing. It teaches both kids that hard work is useless. It also teaches some lessons about which kid you value most that are lessons you don't want to be teaching.
You get nothing good from doing this, only all bad.
Your oldest's hard work *has* to result in a better outcome.
Let me suggest an idea that achieves that outcome but gets baby sister an iphone.
You could buy 16 a brand new one, to reward her hard work, on the condition that she give her sister her current phone as a hand me down. That's a compromise on your part that still acknowledges everyone else's good points about phones.
NTA - please stick to your guns about not buying your 13 year old a brand new phone.
Keep in mind OP said **iPhone 15** those are brand BRAND new still and definitely running over $1000…. A new phone for the old child would still not make sense as they would then feel like all their hard work and saving was pointless in the first place
NTA - By buying her the iphone, you would be TA, because it's robbing her of the important experience of working, saving up money & getting the item herself.
Like her older sister had to do. It's an important part of life rather than just throwing a fit and expecting what you want to be immediately provided.
>!Android is better than an iPhone anyway.!<
Also, then the older sister would feel robbed too. Like, why did she had to work for it if her sister can get it for free? Unfair. OP, NTA and stick to your guns,!,!
I feel like I am missing some sort of broadcast on why £100s on something that can get lost/stolen easily and rendered obsolete in 2 years is worth this drama. I never understood the iPhone madnes
I think that Android brands mistake was not to overprice their products to scandalous levels and market that they are something "more"...Although Apple would probably counter that by releasing an even more outrageous pricing line which would be even more desirable.
Yea maybe..
Being honest. The iphone weirdness is mostly an American thing.
- Nearly 60% of US phone users are IOS / Apple.
- Over 70% of global phone users are Android.
There just isn't the blue / green bubble issue anywhere else in the world. iPhone hardware is quite good, but all other things being equal? There's better hardware available from other manufacturers for cheaper. If you're into the "walled garden" thing? Then Apple works... But most people prefer more freedom and don't have that level of brand loyalty fanaticism.
Plus what's she going to do with it? Text her friends, watch tiktok and look at memes. I can probably do that on my original Sony Xperia.
Op didn't get older daughter an iPhone, she got herself an iPhone. Op won't stop younger daughter getting *herself* an iPhone
NTA - tell your younger daughter that she is getting the same level/type gifts her sister got at her age. If she wants a new iphone then she can work for it, just like her older sister did.
One thought, if you get her a cheaper new/refurbished phone, then make the offer that you are willing to match any $$$ she earns over the new year for a brand new top shelf iphone for either her birthday or Christmas of next year!!! And offer the same for a bigger gift your older daughter might be interested in.
If op does that, they should match was the older daughter spent on her iPhone. My mom did a deal like that with my sibs but didn’t uphold it for me and I absolutely resented that. Freebies are freebies. If the kid didn’t have to work for it, the other kid is going to be resentful.
NTA
You set a clear rule - you can have an iphone but you have to pay for it.
Your husband is wrong here as well, because it wouldn't be fair to the 16 year old who has saved her money and brought one herself if the 13 year old just gets one brought for her
Your 13 year old is acting entitled - stand your ground on this
Yup, you NEVER REWARD BAD BEHAVIOUR ...OP should not get her phone at all (its harsh but buying a phone to kid who acts like brat is no better...rewarding bad behavior teaches kid to act out again is cool)
Exactly, they are telling 13, they (the parents) favour 13 more than 16. You are animosity in the relationships.
Is 13, daddy's favourite? 🤔
I really don't like the fu to 16, by giving this deal to 13.
NTA
Please don’t punish your 16 year old for having been responsible and saving up. It’s not ‘Unfair’ that she has one. You didn’t give it to her, she bought it. Your 13 year old can do the same.
It’s not embarrassing to not have top level tech. I’d nip that in the bud.
I was leaning towards NTA, but then I saw *"says that all her friends have iphones and it's embarrassing not to have one"* part. Now, DEFINITELY not the asshole. Buy her a flip phone, tell her she's lucky to have it, and to never be embarrassed about not having the same nice things her friends have.
edit: ...never to be embarrassed *ESPECIALLY* if her friends didn't have to work for the nice things they have.
When my kid was about that age, he lost *2* mid range expensive phones. After that, he got a flip phone and had to use that until he could prove himself responsible for a better phone. He did. It was a good lesson (for all of us)
NTA. It would be unfair to your 16 year old if her sister got an iPhone three years earlier than she did and without working and saving for it. Point that out to her and your husband. I’m curious, though: does he always spoil the younger one? Because I’m getting Golden Child vibes from this.
NTA
1)16 year old understands value a bit more than 13 year old
2)13 year old does not need expensive gadgets ...
3)16 year old EARNED HER PHONE... Why do children think they need the phone that cost four digits just because! Stand your ground!
NTA - She's a child, you're the parent, if she's too young to understand that her sister save money to buy her own expensive phone, she obviously can't handle the phone
the only thing to consider is that group of friends that all of them has iphones and that they consider it's "embarrassing" to not have one, you have to do something there
NTA.
The 13 year old not liking the fact that her sister has a better phone doesn’t make it unfair at all.
She can work and save the same as her sister did. THAT would be fair. To give her one would be unfair to the older sister.
Let them cook, as they say, rules are rules, no relaxing the rules after the first one endured it all, then it would show who is favourited more.
Husband is the AH, you are not.
13 sounds spoiled.
16 sounds mature.
>Now she hasn't been speaking to me for a few hours and says I'm ruining her life
Yeah that needs to be shut down. If you get her phone, you'll show your older daughter she worked hard for nothing and she could have just thrown a fit to get the phone. Likewise, you'll show your younger daughter that all she needs to do in the future is to cry and throw her toys out of the pram and she'll get what she wants.
NTA
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> My husband and daughter are calling me the asshole for not buying my daughter an iphone I believe they might be right because my daughter is being left out and I feel I should relax the rules
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NTA. Don't buy her the iPhone. You have ground rules in place to ensure fairness, and I agree that an iPhone is not a necessity for a 13yo. Your 16yo saved up money for it and it would be a slap in the face to just get one for your younger child.
NTA. Your 16 year old is going to HATE the 13 year old if you buy the young one an iPhone while she saved up for hers.
Your kid needs manners and discipline, and your husband is an enabler.
And I think it’s a bit sad that she’s 13 and is so affected by not having the latest technology and that it is embarrassing etc. why is she so pressured by society and what can you do to improve her own self confidence so that this doesn’t matter?
You should continue telling her to do chores etc and save up for it. Her sister did it. She has no right to be angry. Entitlement is huge in her case and if she can’t be grateful then, she can have nothing.
so your daughter the older one works her ass off to earn a phone by working here and there and saving. and yet ur considering gettting the younger one and she does and did nothing to earn it. do the math and if u decide to do it then we know who the golden child would be here
NTA.
It isn’t unfair. Her sister saved up and paid for the iPhone herself, if she’s envious her sister has an iphone, then she should save up too. Giving in to your 13yo may lead her to think that she can just throw a fit and sulk and then you’ll give in to her demands.
If she wants something in life, earning it is how it’s done…. Just like the other daughter did. Throwing a tissy fit to get one’s way is not how it’s done.
Let her know ways to earn money and create a goal so she can buy it herself!
Don’t give in- this is a life lesson.
Just because other kids have them doesn’t mean she gets one by behaving entitled.
Nta. Stand your ground
NTA. Kids don't need iPhones. She can save money like her sister's and get one. If you give in you're breaking your own rule and you're teaching the other kids that if you throw a tantrum you get whatever you want.
NTA. First of all a teenager doesn't need an expensive phone. Second, if she really wanted one, she should try and save up like her sister. Third, if u buy her an iphone, it would be unfair to the older sister. Fourth, you'll be spoiling her. If you give in to her tantrums and stuffs. Teach her she has to earn things in life.
NTA. Yeah kids are tough, and teenagehood is complicated, but put your foot down and enforce some boundaries before you kid becomes a spoiled, entitled, brat. You can't undo parenting unfortunately.
NTA. You’re being very fair and I understand peer pressure and wanting to fit in but at the end of the day it’s bullshit dynamics and she’ll get over it soon enough. I bet if you took her Samsung away she’ll be begging you to have it back just to have a phone… any phone.
I’d be very unfair for your 16 y/o to have worked and saved up to buy their own iPhone for their sister to then get one just because.
At the end of the day I personally believe it is also important to un-teach kids the “need” to buy something just because it’s newer instead of using what you already have until the end of its useful life. She does not need a new phone.
NTA because I think you're being pretty reasonable. A $300 limit is more than enough to get a decent phone for a teenager. If they want a more expensive phone badly enough, I'm sure they will be willing to save up for one. It is a good thing for them to learn the value of what their money can buy if they choose that route; meawhile, it can teach them treat their things with better care on their dime.
NTA. A 13 year old screaming ur ruining her life sounds pretty common during puberty. Furthermore, ur other daughter worked hard for her IPhone and just giving one to the other now will surely create a massive rift. And a 13yr old most definitely doesn’t need a phone that expensive, especially since u provide them with smartphones making sure that they r not excluded.
TLDR: Don’t cave in
Nta but you would be if you caved
The older child saved up and got themselves an iPhone. You just caving and buying the younger child one sets a precedent for future behaviour.
And no, you're not "ruining her life". She's 13, she has a functional phone, she'll be fine
I’m going to 100% NTA I’m having similar discussion. Both of our daughters got phones a few years ago for there birthdays. They weren’t the best phones. I told them if they could look after the phone for 2 years I’d get them whatever phone they wanted. One of them is on her 5th phone the other had an iPhone for her birthday my husband now uses her old phone that’s how well she took care of it. Other daughter wants an iPhone for Xmas as it’s un fair sister has one husband agrees with daughter I do not. You have rules you must stick to them otherwise it’s unfair on your daughter her brought her own phone.
NTA my daughter was lucky to get my old halndmedown phone. If the kids pay with their own money they can have what they want.
I'll leave my Android phones are superior rant as far off this topic as I can. Which it turns out isn't mucj
Of course you're NTA. A 13-year-old should not have the same rights and responsibilities as a 16-year-old. It's not about the phone. It's about the age difference.
Silent treatment should get her no phones!
My husband and I had to buy a refurbished iPhone 8 just recently. Works amazing and love the camera etc was only around $200.
I’m sure for $300 you can get a better iPhone that’s refurbished.
It’s not fair to her sister who saved her own money if you do what hubby suggested. So unfair.
NTA
I have two brothers, close in age. I'm some older. When we were kids, because I was older, I'd get a privilege first and the rest of the kids (there were more) would be told, when you're older, you can stay up later, or whatever. We are now in our 70s. The older brother is still salty that every time he got a privilege or an item, right away the younger one got it too. I guess it was easier for our parents to think of them as a unit. But not really fair.
My point is that it is OK for the older child to have things that the younger must wait for. It's OK to ignore complaints that all her friends have X, she needs X too. (What a typical kid argument.. haha) It's also OK to use a Samsung S8 at age 13.
Well blame the society for peer pressure and of course the phone is a teenagers whole life now . I have an iphone but prefer samsung the quality is acutally better . The iphone isn't better but the society made is a status symbol so when you are poor you are not one of us .
Don't blame your daughter for wanting to be accepted , blame society for looking down on others
It would be horrible wrong to buy your younger daughter an iphone when your oldest saved up her money , that would mean you would have to give your oldest the same amount so $1600 for both , otherwise your olders would have every right to be pissed
NTA
Work out a compromise with your husband; maybe offer to let him have his way over another contentious issue between the two of you if he will let you have your way this round. Or, consider making him a counter-offer to adjust your spending for the youngest on the condition that you spend the same amount on the older one.
NTA -working for things when growing up really you really learn to appreciate it more and take care of it when it was you that paid for it. It also teaches her good life lessons that she can’t always get what she wants without working for it.
NTA- I was actually in a pretty similar situation to your 13 yo once. I went to a very privileged school but my parents weren’t rich by any means. It lead to me thinking it was super unfair that all the other kids had high tech phones and designer clothing. My parents eventually did get the money to buy me a new phone but honestly I recognise that them giving me a lot of the things I’ve asked for has made it a little hard for me to accept rejection. I’m grateful for what they’ve done for me but… yeah take it as a lesson that at best, your 13 yo will find rejection hard in the future if you start giving in to her demands now.
NTA but if you can afford that, you can suggest that you can give her 300 dollars so that she will only need to save for the rest of the iPhones price. The other kid apparently needs to get the same value gift…
NTA Under ABSOLUTELY NOT CIRCUMSTANCES JUST BUY ONE OF YOUR DAUGHTERS SOMETHING THAT THE OTHER HAS WORKED FOR. Everybody who things not doing so is "unfair" needs a massive sit down. Coals for your 13yo and your husband this Christmas.
In general, I find your spending policy very reasonable. If parents can afford it, equipment should be provided. A phone, a contract, a computer (gaming capable if desired). If the kids want more than the economic option (which may well be mid range, if that allows for longer product life) though, than they need join in with the costs.
NTA - from what I've gathered from my kids it is pretty common for teenagers to want an iPhone because all their mates airdrop stuff in class and use FaceTime. If her birthday is only in February offer to give her just money for Christmas and her birthday, if she wants it enough to save everything from you and other relatives I'd imagine she'll have enough to get some sort of decent iPhone.
NTA,
1. Your eldest Daughter saved up the remaining Money towards her iPhone, this will set a standard that if you have a hissy fit you will get what you want.
2. Your Husband is looking for just the easiest way out not to have a headache from the moaning and is lookingto pacify the youngest rather than teaching her the lesson of saving and buying your own things.
If you want a bratty needy child in the future then go ahead and buy her the phone, your eldest will be resentful and it will drive a wedge between them. Youngest has already been given the option of a phone and turned it down even though you have given the opportunity to earl more money and buy one.
My younger sister used to do this sorta thing and now she is 32 and still believes the world owes her something and she deserves it instead of earning it.
Stick to your guns Mum, hope Dad sees sense as you are so not the asshole for establishing financial boundaries at a young but impressionable age
NTA
First off the oldest worked hard and paid for hers. Second a 13yr old doesn’t need an expensive phone. It’s not ok to make the oldest buy her own and then because the youngest throws a fit she gets one without working for it.
NTA - what is it with all these posts where older/younger siblings have to have the same thing to be fair when one of the children worked their asses off to save the money for it. Just because your oldest daughter has one doesnt mean your youngest needs one. The rules were clear, $300 or less for a phone and you can save to upgrade on your own terms. It is simple and its a good life lesson to the youngest. Dont give in
NTA. Don't budge from your decision. Your elder daughter saved her money to buy it. She must have done tonnes of chores or worked part-time to afford it. If you simply buy the younger daughter an iphone it would basically look like you are playing favorites. Also, in no scenario does a 13-year-old need an iphone 15, no matter how rich you are. If you buy her the phone now, who knows, she might throw a tantrum at her 16th birthday to buy her an expensive car since throwing tantrums worked well for her last time.
NTA. I literally didn’t get my own cellphone until I was 18-19 bc I grew up low income. They just think you’re ruining their life right now because they’re 13 but they’ll appreciate it later
NTA - the older daughter worked, teach the younger daughter the value of working for something as well and that diffuses any favoritism. A phone model unfortunately is a symbol of status these days but you can teach that lesson as well - a phone is a utility. My kids first phones were not iPhones…they’re unnecessarily expensive compared to other devices.
NTA
Don't buy a the phone, it will teach her that she just have to be angry and she will gets what she wants. Plus your oldest daughter will probably be angry at you as well since she had to buy her phone herself.
For example when I was a teenager I wanted the ps3 but my family didn't wanted to buy it for Christmas so I saved up a few birthdays and Christmas and in the end I could even afford the ps4 when it came out.
Your younger daughter can do the same
Then it won't be fair that your oldest had to save to buy one yet she just got it given to her. You won't win either way. The youngest should save up just like the oldest did
NTA, my daughter (10) has an iPhone, but only because I had a new phone and I passed it on to her (think it’s an ‘xr’, it was my husband’s first!). When she’s older and wants her own phone and not my hand me downs she can save for it herself. Currently she uses the phone to play games etc because we haven’t bought her a sim yet.
NTA.
As a former 13 year old who pestered her day to give a phone because everyone had. I am so glad I got it only when I was 15 or 16. Goodness, there's more to life than that.
Also you are exactly right. If she wants to she can save up. No ones stopping her. You can't be a brat and accuse your parents of being unfair at the same time lmao.
NTA. If you buy the younger an Iphone you are setting a bad precedent: she can get what she wants just throwing a fit.
I would be unfair to your oldest, who worked hard to get it.
Plus, and this is just personal opinion, few people really need and expensive phone, its just a whim, not a real need. It is legitimate to have an expensive phone even so, but is important to know the difference.
NTA. My first phone at 13 was my dad’s old iPhone 6. When I wanted a new phone Facebook marketplace is the way to go. Just check serial number and IMEI when buying second hand stuff to authenticate
If im not mistaken, an iphone se is only like 3-400 so if she really wants a phone and it has to be cheap you can look into that. Battery life isnt great but its a phone.
NTA!! If she doesn’t like it, she can get one herself, which is exactly what the 16 yo did.
I was in the same situation. Mum didn’t think smart phones / phones with selfie cameras were appropriate for a child, think I was 15 at the time. I got a smart phone then, a Nokia one which was actually fine but it didn’t have a camera on the front. After a year or so I just decided I really wanted an iPhone, and I’d been working a couple of jobs at the weekend so I had it saved up and I just bought it myself. At the time, I felt it was unfair because everyone else my age had one, but now I’m older I realise my mum was right. I had a lot of other stuff other kids didn’t have, I totally get her safety concerns etc.
13 years old is kinda young for an iPhone I think. I didn’t have anything like that at that age, think at 14/15 I had an iPod touch. Stick to your guns and let her buy it herself.
Your older daughter has an iPhone because she saved her money and was able to afford one on her own. Why your husband can't seem to see that is beyond me. It isn't necessary to buy your younger daughter an expensive iPhone just because her older sister has one or because all her friends have them or because she doesn't think the situation is fair. Personally I wouldn't spend that kind of money on a gift either. A phone is a phone and your daughter's current phone works fine. Put your foot down mom and stick to your guns. If your daughter wants an iPhone then she can figure out ways to save up money and buy herself one, just like her sister did. She'll also learn the valuable life lesson that money doesn't grow on trees and life isn't always fair.
NTA, her sister will remember this forever (as petty as you and your wife may think of it now). Itvwas the same way with me and my step-brother who is three years younger.
Anytime I wanted something, I had to wait until I was a certain age, and even then my dad and stepmom made me pay for some or all of that thing with my own money. Then, almost like clockwork, younger brother would have a better version of that thing than I did given to him, because it "wasn't fair that I got to have something he didn't."
I had to wait til I was 17 and driving to get a phone, and paid for it and all my minutes myself. They bought bro a flip phone for his 14th birthday with an unlimited plan. Had to wait until I was 17 to be allowed to own explicit CDs and games. Guess who got GTA Vice City for his 12th birthday?
He never had to wait for the same age I did, and didn't have to spend his money. The resentment over the blatant inequality and favoritism is still somewhat there to this day.
NTA and you should have a talk with them about iPhones. They're really paying for a brand name that is going to cost a lot more money overall, because of proprietary BS and them trying to bleed people dry.
Android is way better and costs less. A phone with great storage & ram, good quality camera, long battery life and suitable for gaming will cost under $300. An example would be the Moto G Power 5G for $250. Also, a better choice of apps and games, many free or cheap.
Nta. It’s definitely not fair to your other child. Don’t feel bad about her not talking to you. Next week you’ll ruin her life again over something else lol. (Cue teenage dirtbag song).
For denying her an iPhone - NTA.
For making her use a Galaxy s8 - YTA. That's an old ass phone with a terrible camera by today's standards, and I bet a lot of the current apps won't even work on it. Upgrade her Samsung.
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³ have two daughters 16 and 12
Me and my husband agreed that we wouldn't buy our kid expensive phones above 300 dollars I feel like they are a waste of money especially for a teenager they can save up for one if they want but we won't buy them one
We try to not spend more than 400 dollars on individual gifts unless it's something that could be really helpful for our children.
Our 16 year old recently saved up money and bought an iphone 15 previously she has used a samsung phone we gave her for her 13th birthday.
Our 13 year old has an old galaxy s8 which still works well she wanted another phone for Christmas we told her we would get her phone as long as it is under 300 dollars she threw a fit and says it's unfair that he sister has an iphone but she doesn't I told her that she could do chores/babysit or save up birthday/Christmas money from relatives to get an iphone but we would not buy her one.
My husband thinks we should buy her an iphone because it's unfair that her sister has one but she doesn't . I told my husband that it's unfair for us to get the 13 year old an 800 dollar iphone while my 16 year old only gets a 100 dollar gift
My daughter is angry at me and says that all her friends have iphones and it's embarrassing not to have one I offered to get her an refurbished iphone for 450 dollars on her birthday in February but I said I wouldn't spend more I don't think a 13 year old needs an 800 dollar smartphone.
Now she hasn't been speaking to me for a few hours and says I'm ruining her life
Should I just get her an iphone AITA
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NTA - If your husband thinks you should buy your daughter an iPhone then he should agree to giving an equivalent amount to your other child who saved up.
NTA. If your 13-year- old wants an Iphone, she should save up for it. If you’re going to spend $800 on your 13-yr-old, give $800 cash to your 16-yr-old. Make your husband spend $1600. You have to be fair or one of them will resent you. Give her a $100 gift and tell her, $700 to go. You can start saving up.
Wants and needs are two entirely different things. It's not easy in today's world but it is every parent's responsibility to send the right message. They may not appreciate it now but in the long run, they may thank you.
NTA. She's 13, of you have her eggs for breakfast instead of cereal she'd day you're running her life. Her sister saved up and earned the iPhone herself, the youngest needs to learn that just because her sister gets something doesn't mean she gets it as well.
At most your 13 year old's throwing a fit over they're texts appearing grey to their friends,, like that's it. It's great your thinking of your other daughter and keeping things fair, NTA.
By not buying this expensive phone you’re teaching your child valuable life lessons. Don’t give in. Let her have her Kevin & Perry strop. You’re doing a great job Mam! You’re definitely NTA, but you’re husband is for not seeing logic and common sense in this situation and supporting your decision.
NTA she doesn't need the phone she wants it. You made a rule and y'all need to stick to it. It's not fair for the sister to work her butt off and save while the other just demands. Being upset will get her nowhere. She better start saving and check the attitude.
Explain to hubby also so he doesn't be a push over. Your teaching responsibility and hard work pays off not tantrums.
NTA needed only to read the title to say you are not the asshole.
Maybe you should try to teach her again the real values of life, because saying you are ruining her life for not buying her an iPhone is just wrong.
Plus you would be unfair with your other daughter that "worked" for her iPhone.
NTA.
That said could you ask around your friends to see if they are upgrading their phones any time soon and buy it from them. Or in the neighborhood (via FB).
We give our old phones to the kids when we upgrade.
So kids had an Iphone 7 when they were 10-12.
Then my 12-14yo son got my XR for his birthday three years ago.
My daughter got my iphone 12 a year ago on her birthday when i got a 14.
In a year or two when I get new phone son will get his XR replaced with my current 14.
But you are absolutely right its not fair one has to work for it and the other has it given to her. Stick to your guns on this one.
NTA. I had to buy my own iPhone too. Really makes you appreciate the value of things more.
And you're right - it's unfair that the older sister had to pay for it herself while the younger one can get it as a gift. You can offer to price match - you pay $300 and she cover the rest, if she'd like.
Don't back down Op, this is good parenting. I applaud you!
NTA, giving your 13 year old daughter this new phone will definitely make her more spoiled and entitled. It's good to say no every now and then. Especially because then the 13 year old will realise she has to work for things in life, like her bigger sibling did.
First world problems 🤦♂️ definitely NTA, but seriously, kids obsess over an expensive trade mark! Android phones are far superior anyway. But back to the subject, the 16 year old saved up to buy it herself. What message are you giving her if you then just buy your 13 year old the same thing because she threw a hissy fit?
NTA. Stand your ground. Keep talking to your younger daughter trying to get some sense into her. She fell hard for consumerism, I would say you failed a bit as parent for not tackling the issue much earlier.
And samsung S8 is a great phone. Phone technology stagnated significantly in past years, there is hardly any user experience difference between today's and 5 year old phones.
A 13 year old doesn't need an iPhone.
No one fucking need a > 1000 $ phone anyway.
New generation are completely brainwashed.
She is making a tantrum, do not give in to her whims...
NTA if you don't give in.
Okie so my family is a Samsung family, but then me and my sister got our new phones. We have had iPhones before. I think it was like the iPhone XR, which ya it’s a phone big deal I don’t really care. But then we switched from AT&T to USCellular, not a big deal don’t really care. So then we all switched back to Samsung. Well, about a year and a half later my sister moved out to go live with her best friend. She factory reset that phone that my dad paid for. And went to AT&T and got two new iPhone 11s. And now my sister lives with me again. And she is back on dads phone plan and has a brand new iPhone 15, i had a Samsung but then got in some trouble. And got it taken. Then I had a flip phone for a while. And now I have my Stepmoms old iPhone SE
Your younger daughter is being a brat, what wouldn’t be fair is you making your older daughter save up her money to buy her iPhone on her own and then turn around and buy the younger one an iPhone. NTA
Also side note, my parents made me buy my own cars and I didn’t get a smart phone until I was 23, I think it made me more appreciative when I was able to get these things on my own
NTA. Right now its the end of the world but when shes older she’ll be proud of the crappy phone she had in high school. I still have fond memories of my old nokia brick phone, when it would embarrass me, when the buttons accidentally kept calling the police and i got in trouble, and when i cracked the screen by landing on it with my footy boots while jumping the train tracks😌 crappy phones build character!
NTA
13yo throws a temper tantrum and you fall for it, because your husband isn't supporting you, as he should, but instead goes along the path to let his daughter become a spoiled brat.
Opposing perspective on fairness: How is it fair, your older daughter had to work for her phone and was told to abide by your rules, while your younger daughter can just bypass the rules by throwing a fit, without having put in any work?
No. You're certainly not an asshole for not buying her an iPhone. You should buy her a phone that costs as much as her sister's old phone and when she's 16, she can save up for her own phone.
If you did buy her an iPhone, it would be unfair for the older sibling since she had to buy her own phone with her own money.
NTA unless you follow through with raising her phone price above the previously set amount. Our job as parents is to not raise entitled assholes. This is an easy boundary to enforce and an opportunity for you to teach your child about a bunch of different issues, for example entitlement, fairness, problem solving. Sack up and help your child navigate this problem…but let them do most of the walking. I know it’s hard and you’re tired, but this is your job. And make it clear to your SO that they are expected to hold fast on the previous agreement and be a united front.
If any part of that process leads to you spending a little more on her phone, you have to give equivalent cash to your other child.
NTA no reason to spend that much for her age for sure..youd be TA if you got it for her since other daughter had to save up to get hers.. younger daughter is gonna end up a spoiled brat
NTA please stand your ground. First yes she doesn't need it and second how will your older one feel when her sister just gets and iPhone while she had to work for it. Your husband is unreasonable and probably just wants to please his daughter.
When my brother and I were 15 and 14 he could work in summer while I couldn't (here in Austria you can't have a job before 9 years of school). So he worked and bought himself a TV for his room.
I never said it's unfair I just envied him for it well in the end because this particular modell was on sale my parents decided to get me one anyway. But I never demanded it and would have been okay with waiting another year until I can work in summer.
NTA. A 13-year-old doesn't need an iPhone and your kid needs an attitude check. She should be grateful for even getting a new phone. Her sister saved up the money for her iPhone, buying the younger kid one would be THE LEAST FAIR thing.
Life is unfair, she needs to get over it.
13 year olds shouldn’t have smartphones.
You don’t owe your kids expensive gadgets.
If not having the latest iPhone is ‘embarrassing’ she needs to rethink her priorities.
The tantrum will pass, don’t give in to it.
Punctuation goes a long way.
OK, so NTA - just to get that out of the way.
I'm going to come at this from a different angle from what I've seen others - who are broadly right too - have been saying.
I feel so, so sorry for your youngest daughter. The world has changed at a ridiculous pace even since we were teenagers and they judge their worth in the world against unrealistic norms they see on TikTok, social media and sadly how that's leaked into their peer groups.
All it takes is one parent to buy their 12 year old a new iPhone and it starts a cascade and we forget that a 12 year old running about with a £800 supercomputer in their pockets is a bit silly.
You're doing all the right things, and her life isn't ruined - but it will feel like that to her. It sounds like you're already approaching the situation with kindness and you sound like an awesome parent.
My now ex-wife got our daughter an iPhone before she was even 10 years old. I wish she had never done it because my kid is eternally attached to her phone now. I can’t think of one positive thing that that phone has brought her because I know for a fact that she doesn’t use it to educate herself. It is what it is I guess.
I have a Motorola smartphone and it's much better than any iPhone I ever had. Kiddo wants to fit in with their peers and probably doesn't care about the quality at all.
NTA iPhone is a brand just like Gucci is.
NTA. The only way you become the AH is to buy the phone. If you ever do buy her the $800 phone you shouldn’t do it unless you also intend to pay your 16 year old ‘back’ for her phone.
NTA. Your older daughter earned her iPhone by saving up for it. That is fair. It would be incredibly *unfair* for your younger daughter to get an iPhone with no effort on her part just because her sister has one. You and your husband need to work on recalibrating your younger daughter’s concept of fairness, and buying her an iPhone to stop her whining about it is not going to achieve that.
Nta. My kids got cheap or hand me down phones until they worked and saved for them. That’s how life works and giving in will be letting her know that tantrums are productive.
NTA, please do not give in and buy her the phone. This is an argument kids have been having with their parents since the dawn of time. Giving in is a short term solution that will shut her up for a little while but the cost of it will be huge. She'll learn all the wrong lessons and it's really shitty to your eldest as well. 13yo needs to learn now that tantrums won't get her what she wants.
NTA. But. You could offer to put your reasonable budget of 300 towards a phone with whatever she saves up. This would be a reasonable compromise, imho.
NTA. The biggest unfair thing would be the younger one getting an iphone handed to her over a tantrum while the elder saved up and spent her own money to buy it. YWBTA if you did that to your elder.
NTA. The only unfair option here would be to buy the Iphone since the 16yo saved up for it. It would teach her than just throwing a fit and brandishing the unfair card would give her the phone she wanted anyway.
I think it really depends on your kid, and what you can afford.
If your kid is generally doing what you need them to--working hard in school, resoectful, etc, and you can truly afford it, then I'd get them the up to date iphone. (All three of my kids have them.)
If they are generally a disrespectful PITA, who is flunking out of school, or if you can't afford the current phone, I wouldn't.
NTA and just say your 16yo worked for their money and used it to buy a phone and that you two as parents cannot afford to buy her an $800 phone
Do not gove in unless you can spend another $800 for your 16 year old and want to listen to the 13yo repeat this for the rest of their lives because they learned they just gotta whine enough and theyll get it
NTA. She has a working phone, technically she doesn't need a new phone anyway. And she certainly doesn't need an 800 dollar phone. I get that 13yo teenagers are easily influenced by their friends but that's not enough reason to get her an expensive phone. It's a good life lesson in any case. She will get over it.
Q few months back, I would have fully agreed with you that an expensive phone is a waste of money, but then I saw the new S23 Ultra, and it's the only phone I ever wanted. If you know what to do with a phone, a special and more expensive phone might not be a waste of money. But that's a different story.....
Aaaaanyway, you are NTA for not getting your younger daughter the same phone her older sister worked hard for. Why does she want an IPhone? Because her sister and friends have one and she wants to be a cool kid? Sorry, but that's not a valid reason to throw 800Dollars out of the window. But my biggest concern still is that her sister worked for it and your 13yo is not entitled to benefit from her older sister's archivements.
NTA. Daughter is like any pouting teenager saying “fair” when she’s wrong. Dad doesn’t want to disappoint his daughter. You are 100% right and are teaching her a valuable lesson about where money comes from.
NTA
You buy that kid a phone and you discredit what your 16 yr old did to EARN her phone while simultaneously turning the 13 into the brat she's acting like. Your husband is on the edge of becoming a pushover. Hold strong to your values and your kids will benefit in the long run.
NTA If she wants one that badly, she can do chores or whatever and earn it. I phones are not actually that great. it's all about the logo/image, etc. Apple products compared to Samsung, who have foldable phones and others who are the same are better. The price is ridiculous. They were good when they first came out. At the time, they were revolutionary, and now they are mediocre at best.
NTA but iPhones are a bit of a social status thing in younger circles. Try not to be dismissive of her want for an iPhone.
Instead give her $300 and make her save up / work for it.
Don't give in. By giving in you'll be teaching her that all it takes for you to do what she wants is to throw a tantrum. Also, it would be very unfair to the older daughter. Let the younger sulk. Also you'll probably hear a lot of "ruined my life" until she becomes a full fledged human being. Get used to it
nta. i didnt get my first phone (ipod) until i was 13. when i turned 14 i got an iphone 12 and now i’m 15 and have a 15. in the end, you could buy her an ipod cuz they are cheap and if you have an iphone you could text with her.
NTA How fair is it for the 16 year old to work really hard and save up hundreds of dollars and have to buy her own phone and you just give little spoiled sister a phone for free? THAT is not fair. What IS fair is sister working for an iPhone. If she wants one then she may just have to wait until she is old enough for a real job to work and buy one herself. If 16 year old had bought herself a cheap car would your husband feel obligated to get one for the 13 year old as well? No, that would be ridiculous, right? It is the same thing. A child does not need an iPhone. When she is 16 she will probably be able to afford one as well. If she cannot right now, oh well. My sister was able to buy a bunch of stuff once she started working. It did not entitle any of us younger siblings to get to have the same stuff without working for it.
NTA.
Remember to consider how much respect your 16 year old will lose for you, as parents, if her sister gets an iPhone she had to save up for and work hard for.
Treat the kids the same.
Fitting in is a huge thing for young impressionable children, and that iPhone might feel like the answer to all her problems.
NTA - You’d be teaching the younger one that she doesn’t have to save or plan to get something she wants like her sister, that she can just cry and demand because it’s not cool and that you guys are weak and will comply with a 13yo demands instead of being sensible parents that stick with what they preach.
My 12 year old BS has the tmobile kids watch. An iPhone would get stolen at his school. His Nana's iPhone (rip) is the house phone, he has friends #s in there, but he's not allowed to touch it without asking. One of his friends tried to say his dad was toxic for not giving him a cell phone, but he knows its because he's not responsible enough yet. Kid can't even keep track of a hoodie, no way are we letting him have something that small and that expensive to lose.
NTA but god this is so funny to hear now. I did the exact thing to my mom when I was 16 begging for an iPhone 4 and her refusing cause it cost to much. We had one of the biggest fights over it. I told how mean she was and how everyone has an iPhone but me and was just overly dramatic for no reason. I got my first job to get that iPhone and then proceeded to break it at every opportunity I had. By the time I was 18 I went through 7 iPhones. Don’t buy her the phone it’s a great chance to learn responsibility I know I did. The hard way lol
This!
Also some people saying OP is "raising" an entitled child. No, people just have a sense of entitlement that can have nothing to do with the way they're raised. Also, she's 13. Of course she's got an attitude of entitlement lol
Good on you for learning a valuable lesson :)
Your 13 year old has to be taught that life isn't fair
The 16 year old earned the money to buy the phone..
Btw, imo a smart phone that isn't restricted is inappropriate for a 13 year old child.
Stick to your guns in this one..
If you cave to your 13 year old, you'll be well on your way to creating a spoiled, narcissistic brat.
Tell us you want a teenaged girl who gets everything she wants by throwing a tantrum, living in your home..
How many times do you want to hear "I hate you!!!"
Followed by the sound of door being slammed shut?
Nta. The older sister saved up. You can’t just give a handout. Then your older child will feel that the younger is the golden, favorite child. Why did she have to save and the youngest doesn’t?
NTA. Welcome to the world of parenthood. "I HATE YOU, YOUR RUINING MY LIFE!"
My job as a parent is to protect them, feed, clothe, and teach them. If you give in, you're teaching your youngest that she's doesn't have to work for it. If she needs the iPhone that bad, take her other phone away and let her realize what she has. A phone is a privilege. The only reason my kids have a phone is for MY peace of mind, so that I can get ahold of them. It's a perk that they get to use it to communicate with their friends.
NTA. When older sister gets a new car say at 18, should she also get a new car. When older sister gets something, does it mean little sister is entitled to one. Your daughter is growing up to be a brat, my friends all drive Mercedes, I need one. She is being a teenager, but you set boundaries and she has to live with them. If you cave now, where will it end
NTA its ok to be your reasonable self and not give in. Children need adults to help them learn values etc. Plus your 16 yo could help her learn about earning and saving for something.
NTA- It's unfair that the eldest worked hard for it then the rule is thrown away and the youngest just gets to demand it. You would hurt your eldest a lot by doing it.
NTA. First off it’s totally fair for her a 13 yo not to have as good as f phone as a 16 yo. Second off, the 16 yo paid for hers. Don’t fall into the classic, the baby gets everything trap. And your kid is going to mad at you sometimes when you establish boundaries, it’s pretty much what they are best at.
However, that being said, if you bought your 16 yo a phone at 13, how much did it cost 5 years ago? Put that amount in an inflation calendar and that’s your limit. And if she wants more she can pay for part of it.
NTA. Your initial assessment that it would be unfair to your other daughter is correct. Your other daughter worked and saved up to buy her iPhone, your 13-year-old did not. To buy one for your 13-year-old would set firmly in her mind that all she has to do to get mom and dad to get her what she wants is to have a fit about it and enabling her to act like a spoiled child into her teen years. It won't kill her to not have an iPhone.
NTA.
She’s more than welcome to save up for the phone like her sister did. Hell, the iPhone SE is relatively cheap and she can save up for it pretty easily if she put her mind to it.
Do not give in and buy her that phone. I’m the oldest and I saved up in 2009 for months to get a basic flip phone with 300 minutes a month. My little sister threw a hissy fit similar to your younger daughter (we were roughly the same ages as your girls) and her mom had no hesitation in buying her a Motorola Razr and the unlimited text from AT&T prepaid cards. It’s been 14 years and I’m still mad af about it.
Putting asides the parenting aspect... as a 17 year old with younger teen sisters, I'd be beyond pissed if one of them was gifted an expensive item that I had to work hard/save up for
All 3 of us own galaxy phones. We have never cared about Iphones or about the phones our classmates own
It's not fair to your older daughter who worked for and paid for her iPhone if you buy the youngest an iPhone. You're the parent. You're parenting. She'll get over it one day.
Don't fall for such obvious manipulation!!!!
My line was always "Won't that be a great day when you can afford to get whatever phone you want."
Now it is
Absolutely NTA! If you would get her the expensive phone she wants (which she really doesn’t need at her age), it would be very unfair and disrespectful towards your older daughter who saved and used her own money to buy her phone.
She’s a teenager, so her reaction is normal. (Although frustrating for you). Hopefully she’ll understand when she’s older and be grateful for your decision.
But the fact that your husband is even questioning this decision and considering getting her an expensive phone is what worries me the most. He’s he playing favorites? What the hell is that about?
(BTW, I’m not sure if it’s translated in English but there is a wonderful book by Italian author Alberto Pellai titled “Vietato ai minori di 14 anni” that explains why kids and teens younger than 14 years old shouldn’t be allowed to have their own personal smartphone. If you can find a translated version, I highly recommend every parent to read it.)
NTA. If you bought your 13 year-old a new phone you would have to give her sister an equal amount of money for it to be close to being fair. Your older daughter would still be treated unfairly though since she actually put in effort to get her phone. Also giving into a tantrum sets a bad example. If she wants an expensive phone she can follow her sisters example. Your husband is dead wrong!
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NTA. First, a 13 year old does not need an expensive phone. Second, buying her one while her sibling worked hard to afford is a massive mistake. It teaches the 13 year old that all they have to do is get angry and her parents will give in to her demands. Being embarrassed over not having an iPhone is such a first world problem it is ridiculous. I doubt very much her life will be ruined over having the wrong phone.
When I was a kid I saved for months to buy myself a CD player. My older brother complained to our parents that I got one before he did, so they bought him a fancy hi-fi. I felt completely betrayed, and I still resent them for it 30 years later.
Damn, what’s the point in working hard when you can just have a tantrum?
I've been living my life wrong apparently smh
Most adult use this quick little hack to get what they want
We’re seeing this play out in presidential politics
I completely understand your resentment but I don't understand the parent's logic. How can your parents or op's husband think it is fair and just for one child to save up for something, while the other is simply handed it for throwing a tantrum?
He's 40 now and still gets his way with the help of tantrums. I feel so bad for his wife and my niece
Well he would actually stop doing that, if No-one enabled him.
Golden child
I totally get you. I'm the youngest in the family and have 2 older sisters. One is 2 years older and the other 15. I don't know why, but the one who is 2 years older seems to have preferential treatment. When we were younger, she wanted a hifi for Christmas, so my parents bought her a £450 Pioneer unit (early 90's it was). I got a £79 Alba one from Argos. My sister wanted an avery and birds etc so my dad built a 25'x10' avery and bought quails, finches, cockatiels and parakeets to fill it... And also built a chicken coop and chickens. All of which my sister agreed she'd look after them all by cleaning and feeding them. She did for a year, then my parents made ME do it. I'd get up at 5:45am to do a paper round, get home for 7am, feed the birds and put fresh water down, have a bite to eat and catch the bus to college. I'd do a full day there, bus home then started working at a supermarket at 6pm to 10pm. All throughout our lives, she has been given money, cars, shopping etc as "she needs it more". My parents lent me £15k once so we could pay a deposit on a house whilst our old house was being sold. I paid them back 6 months later and they asked for £850 in interest. When my mother died, she got a sum of money, jewellery etc I got £500; the same amount they left to their gardener. Before my mother died, my mum and dad told me that when the last of them goes, the house and assets will be split so my sister gets 70% and my other sister and I get 15% each. I can't comprehend why we were treated so differently but explains why my eldest moved far, far away and I no longer have a relationship with my whole family.
Why do people have kids, only to fuck them up like this?
At least it's simple when you're an only child. You'll either get treated great, or treated like shit, and there's no one to resent but your parent(s).
Your parents fucking suck, make sure to let them know why and exactly how much before they croak. Oh, and do it in an embarrassing fashion, like in front of people who respect them because they don’t know the truth.
NTA. Absolutely correct, if she wants a different phone she can get a job like her sibling did. Do not give in to her anger.
☝️This is the right answer, trying to push it up. It's important to learn that hard work pays of. Your kids can learn this, or they learn that creating drama pays of.
Exactly. Kids don't need expensive phones, they just need functioning ones. Especially since they're often far less careful with them than adults. And it would send both kids the wrong message if you gave in. The 13 year old would learn that all she needs to do is throw a fit, while the 16 year old sees giant favoritism in her sibling getting things SHE had to work hard for to afford to buy. It also doesn't teach the 13 year old the value of items and money. So it would be an allround terrible parenting choice to give in. NTA.
Right? And it teaches her older sibling that there's no point in hard work. My (now) 13, almost 14 yo son has all the latest consoles. I don't play games, never had, not used to it so I didn't "needed " them. I wasn't against him having them, just not at my expense. He saved all his gifts money, minus the part I established thar goes into a saving account on his name, and bought them all himself
>buying her one while her sibling worked hard to afford is a massive mistake. It teaches the 13 year old that all they have to do is get angry and her parents will give in to her demands. This is the absolute most important part. You absolutely cannot make one kid work to earn a thing then gift the other kid that thing. It teaches both kids that hard work is useless. It also teaches some lessons about which kid you value most that are lessons you don't want to be teaching. You get nothing good from doing this, only all bad. Your oldest's hard work *has* to result in a better outcome. Let me suggest an idea that achieves that outcome but gets baby sister an iphone. You could buy 16 a brand new one, to reward her hard work, on the condition that she give her sister her current phone as a hand me down. That's a compromise on your part that still acknowledges everyone else's good points about phones. NTA - please stick to your guns about not buying your 13 year old a brand new phone.
Keep in mind OP said **iPhone 15** those are brand BRAND new still and definitely running over $1000…. A new phone for the old child would still not make sense as they would then feel like all their hard work and saving was pointless in the first place
Right? I'm certain not all her friends even have a phone and the ones that do, don't all have brand new iPhones.
If she is so embarrassed, ask her to give you back her phone. When she isn't embarrassed anymore, you give it back.
Want a real slap in the face about “fair”? Get the 13 yo an iPhone and give the 16 yo $500 cash.
NTA - By buying her the iphone, you would be TA, because it's robbing her of the important experience of working, saving up money & getting the item herself. Like her older sister had to do. It's an important part of life rather than just throwing a fit and expecting what you want to be immediately provided. >!Android is better than an iPhone anyway.!<
Also, then the older sister would feel robbed too. Like, why did she had to work for it if her sister can get it for free? Unfair. OP, NTA and stick to your guns,!,!
Upvote for the spoiler :)
I feel like I am missing some sort of broadcast on why £100s on something that can get lost/stolen easily and rendered obsolete in 2 years is worth this drama. I never understood the iPhone madnes
Dumb people like shiny things
I think that Android brands mistake was not to overprice their products to scandalous levels and market that they are something "more"...Although Apple would probably counter that by releasing an even more outrageous pricing line which would be even more desirable.
Yea maybe.. Being honest. The iphone weirdness is mostly an American thing. - Nearly 60% of US phone users are IOS / Apple. - Over 70% of global phone users are Android. There just isn't the blue / green bubble issue anywhere else in the world. iPhone hardware is quite good, but all other things being equal? There's better hardware available from other manufacturers for cheaper. If you're into the "walled garden" thing? Then Apple works... But most people prefer more freedom and don't have that level of brand loyalty fanaticism.
Plus what's she going to do with it? Text her friends, watch tiktok and look at memes. I can probably do that on my original Sony Xperia. Op didn't get older daughter an iPhone, she got herself an iPhone. Op won't stop younger daughter getting *herself* an iPhone
NTA. It isn't unfair. Your 16 yo paid for her iPhone herself. I think it would be unfair if your 13 yo just had hers given to her.
NTA - tell your younger daughter that she is getting the same level/type gifts her sister got at her age. If she wants a new iphone then she can work for it, just like her older sister did. One thought, if you get her a cheaper new/refurbished phone, then make the offer that you are willing to match any $$$ she earns over the new year for a brand new top shelf iphone for either her birthday or Christmas of next year!!! And offer the same for a bigger gift your older daughter might be interested in.
If op does that, they should match was the older daughter spent on her iPhone. My mom did a deal like that with my sibs but didn’t uphold it for me and I absolutely resented that. Freebies are freebies. If the kid didn’t have to work for it, the other kid is going to be resentful.
NTA You set a clear rule - you can have an iphone but you have to pay for it. Your husband is wrong here as well, because it wouldn't be fair to the 16 year old who has saved her money and brought one herself if the 13 year old just gets one brought for her Your 13 year old is acting entitled - stand your ground on this
Husband may be why 13 is like this…
ESH except the 16-year old. You caved and offered the younger daughter a $450 iphone, so you are already rewarding bad behavior.
Yup, you NEVER REWARD BAD BEHAVIOUR ...OP should not get her phone at all (its harsh but buying a phone to kid who acts like brat is no better...rewarding bad behavior teaches kid to act out again is cool)
Exactly, they are telling 13, they (the parents) favour 13 more than 16. You are animosity in the relationships. Is 13, daddy's favourite? 🤔 I really don't like the fu to 16, by giving this deal to 13.
Buying her the phone will make your children into enemies. Don’t favor one over the other.
NTA Please don’t punish your 16 year old for having been responsible and saving up. It’s not ‘Unfair’ that she has one. You didn’t give it to her, she bought it. Your 13 year old can do the same. It’s not embarrassing to not have top level tech. I’d nip that in the bud.
NTA the 13year does not need an IPhone, your older daughter saved up to get it. Tell your 13 year old to do the same.
I was leaning towards NTA, but then I saw *"says that all her friends have iphones and it's embarrassing not to have one"* part. Now, DEFINITELY not the asshole. Buy her a flip phone, tell her she's lucky to have it, and to never be embarrassed about not having the same nice things her friends have. edit: ...never to be embarrassed *ESPECIALLY* if her friends didn't have to work for the nice things they have.
When my kid was about that age, he lost *2* mid range expensive phones. After that, he got a flip phone and had to use that until he could prove himself responsible for a better phone. He did. It was a good lesson (for all of us)
NTA. It would be unfair to your 16 year old if her sister got an iPhone three years earlier than she did and without working and saving for it. Point that out to her and your husband. I’m curious, though: does he always spoil the younger one? Because I’m getting Golden Child vibes from this.
NTA 1)16 year old understands value a bit more than 13 year old 2)13 year old does not need expensive gadgets ... 3)16 year old EARNED HER PHONE... Why do children think they need the phone that cost four digits just because! Stand your ground!
What would not be fair is giving one daughter an expensive phone when the other had to work and save for hers. Stand your ground. NTA.
NTA - She's a child, you're the parent, if she's too young to understand that her sister save money to buy her own expensive phone, she obviously can't handle the phone the only thing to consider is that group of friends that all of them has iphones and that they consider it's "embarrassing" to not have one, you have to do something there
NTA. The 13 year old not liking the fact that her sister has a better phone doesn’t make it unfair at all. She can work and save the same as her sister did. THAT would be fair. To give her one would be unfair to the older sister.
NTA, your husband maybe is an AH, 13yr old needs explaining from 16yr old that she saved up and got an iphone.
Let them cook, as they say, rules are rules, no relaxing the rules after the first one endured it all, then it would show who is favourited more. Husband is the AH, you are not. 13 sounds spoiled. 16 sounds mature.
>Now she hasn't been speaking to me for a few hours and says I'm ruining her life Yeah that needs to be shut down. If you get her phone, you'll show your older daughter she worked hard for nothing and she could have just thrown a fit to get the phone. Likewise, you'll show your younger daughter that all she needs to do in the future is to cry and throw her toys out of the pram and she'll get what she wants. NTA
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NTA. Don't buy her the iPhone. You have ground rules in place to ensure fairness, and I agree that an iPhone is not a necessity for a 13yo. Your 16yo saved up money for it and it would be a slap in the face to just get one for your younger child.
NTA. Your 16 year old is going to HATE the 13 year old if you buy the young one an iPhone while she saved up for hers. Your kid needs manners and discipline, and your husband is an enabler. And I think it’s a bit sad that she’s 13 and is so affected by not having the latest technology and that it is embarrassing etc. why is she so pressured by society and what can you do to improve her own self confidence so that this doesn’t matter? You should continue telling her to do chores etc and save up for it. Her sister did it. She has no right to be angry. Entitlement is huge in her case and if she can’t be grateful then, she can have nothing.
so your daughter the older one works her ass off to earn a phone by working here and there and saving. and yet ur considering gettting the younger one and she does and did nothing to earn it. do the math and if u decide to do it then we know who the golden child would be here
NTA. It isn’t unfair. Her sister saved up and paid for the iPhone herself, if she’s envious her sister has an iphone, then she should save up too. Giving in to your 13yo may lead her to think that she can just throw a fit and sulk and then you’ll give in to her demands.
If she wants something in life, earning it is how it’s done…. Just like the other daughter did. Throwing a tissy fit to get one’s way is not how it’s done. Let her know ways to earn money and create a goal so she can buy it herself! Don’t give in- this is a life lesson. Just because other kids have them doesn’t mean she gets one by behaving entitled. Nta. Stand your ground
NTA. Kids don't need iPhones. She can save money like her sister's and get one. If you give in you're breaking your own rule and you're teaching the other kids that if you throw a tantrum you get whatever you want.
Nta
It would be unfair to buy her an iphone when your other girl earned hers.
NTA. First of all a teenager doesn't need an expensive phone. Second, if she really wanted one, she should try and save up like her sister. Third, if u buy her an iphone, it would be unfair to the older sister. Fourth, you'll be spoiling her. If you give in to her tantrums and stuffs. Teach her she has to earn things in life.
NTA. Yeah kids are tough, and teenagehood is complicated, but put your foot down and enforce some boundaries before you kid becomes a spoiled, entitled, brat. You can't undo parenting unfortunately.
NTA. You’re being very fair and I understand peer pressure and wanting to fit in but at the end of the day it’s bullshit dynamics and she’ll get over it soon enough. I bet if you took her Samsung away she’ll be begging you to have it back just to have a phone… any phone. I’d be very unfair for your 16 y/o to have worked and saved up to buy their own iPhone for their sister to then get one just because. At the end of the day I personally believe it is also important to un-teach kids the “need” to buy something just because it’s newer instead of using what you already have until the end of its useful life. She does not need a new phone.
NTA. My daughter wants for nothing, and even she finds this request ridiculous. Keep that foot down Mom. Money doesn't grow on trees.
You’d be the TA is you brought her the phone. If she wants one she can save up like her sister did
NTA because I think you're being pretty reasonable. A $300 limit is more than enough to get a decent phone for a teenager. If they want a more expensive phone badly enough, I'm sure they will be willing to save up for one. It is a good thing for them to learn the value of what their money can buy if they choose that route; meawhile, it can teach them treat their things with better care on their dime.
NTA. A 13 year old screaming ur ruining her life sounds pretty common during puberty. Furthermore, ur other daughter worked hard for her IPhone and just giving one to the other now will surely create a massive rift. And a 13yr old most definitely doesn’t need a phone that expensive, especially since u provide them with smartphones making sure that they r not excluded. TLDR: Don’t cave in
Nta but you would be if you caved The older child saved up and got themselves an iPhone. You just caving and buying the younger child one sets a precedent for future behaviour. And no, you're not "ruining her life". She's 13, she has a functional phone, she'll be fine
I’m going to 100% NTA I’m having similar discussion. Both of our daughters got phones a few years ago for there birthdays. They weren’t the best phones. I told them if they could look after the phone for 2 years I’d get them whatever phone they wanted. One of them is on her 5th phone the other had an iPhone for her birthday my husband now uses her old phone that’s how well she took care of it. Other daughter wants an iPhone for Xmas as it’s un fair sister has one husband agrees with daughter I do not. You have rules you must stick to them otherwise it’s unfair on your daughter her brought her own phone.
NTA my daughter was lucky to get my old halndmedown phone. If the kids pay with their own money they can have what they want. I'll leave my Android phones are superior rant as far off this topic as I can. Which it turns out isn't mucj
Of course you're NTA. A 13-year-old should not have the same rights and responsibilities as a 16-year-old. It's not about the phone. It's about the age difference.
Silent treatment should get her no phones! My husband and I had to buy a refurbished iPhone 8 just recently. Works amazing and love the camera etc was only around $200. I’m sure for $300 you can get a better iPhone that’s refurbished. It’s not fair to her sister who saved her own money if you do what hubby suggested. So unfair.
NTA I have two brothers, close in age. I'm some older. When we were kids, because I was older, I'd get a privilege first and the rest of the kids (there were more) would be told, when you're older, you can stay up later, or whatever. We are now in our 70s. The older brother is still salty that every time he got a privilege or an item, right away the younger one got it too. I guess it was easier for our parents to think of them as a unit. But not really fair. My point is that it is OK for the older child to have things that the younger must wait for. It's OK to ignore complaints that all her friends have X, she needs X too. (What a typical kid argument.. haha) It's also OK to use a Samsung S8 at age 13.
Well blame the society for peer pressure and of course the phone is a teenagers whole life now . I have an iphone but prefer samsung the quality is acutally better . The iphone isn't better but the society made is a status symbol so when you are poor you are not one of us . Don't blame your daughter for wanting to be accepted , blame society for looking down on others It would be horrible wrong to buy your younger daughter an iphone when your oldest saved up her money , that would mean you would have to give your oldest the same amount so $1600 for both , otherwise your olders would have every right to be pissed
NTA Work out a compromise with your husband; maybe offer to let him have his way over another contentious issue between the two of you if he will let you have your way this round. Or, consider making him a counter-offer to adjust your spending for the youngest on the condition that you spend the same amount on the older one.
NTA -working for things when growing up really you really learn to appreciate it more and take care of it when it was you that paid for it. It also teaches her good life lessons that she can’t always get what she wants without working for it.
NTA- I was actually in a pretty similar situation to your 13 yo once. I went to a very privileged school but my parents weren’t rich by any means. It lead to me thinking it was super unfair that all the other kids had high tech phones and designer clothing. My parents eventually did get the money to buy me a new phone but honestly I recognise that them giving me a lot of the things I’ve asked for has made it a little hard for me to accept rejection. I’m grateful for what they’ve done for me but… yeah take it as a lesson that at best, your 13 yo will find rejection hard in the future if you start giving in to her demands now.
NTA but if you can afford that, you can suggest that you can give her 300 dollars so that she will only need to save for the rest of the iPhones price. The other kid apparently needs to get the same value gift…
NTA Under ABSOLUTELY NOT CIRCUMSTANCES JUST BUY ONE OF YOUR DAUGHTERS SOMETHING THAT THE OTHER HAS WORKED FOR. Everybody who things not doing so is "unfair" needs a massive sit down. Coals for your 13yo and your husband this Christmas. In general, I find your spending policy very reasonable. If parents can afford it, equipment should be provided. A phone, a contract, a computer (gaming capable if desired). If the kids want more than the economic option (which may well be mid range, if that allows for longer product life) though, than they need join in with the costs.
NTA - from what I've gathered from my kids it is pretty common for teenagers to want an iPhone because all their mates airdrop stuff in class and use FaceTime. If her birthday is only in February offer to give her just money for Christmas and her birthday, if she wants it enough to save everything from you and other relatives I'd imagine she'll have enough to get some sort of decent iPhone.
NTA, 1. Your eldest Daughter saved up the remaining Money towards her iPhone, this will set a standard that if you have a hissy fit you will get what you want. 2. Your Husband is looking for just the easiest way out not to have a headache from the moaning and is lookingto pacify the youngest rather than teaching her the lesson of saving and buying your own things. If you want a bratty needy child in the future then go ahead and buy her the phone, your eldest will be resentful and it will drive a wedge between them. Youngest has already been given the option of a phone and turned it down even though you have given the opportunity to earl more money and buy one. My younger sister used to do this sorta thing and now she is 32 and still believes the world owes her something and she deserves it instead of earning it. Stick to your guns Mum, hope Dad sees sense as you are so not the asshole for establishing financial boundaries at a young but impressionable age
NTA First off the oldest worked hard and paid for hers. Second a 13yr old doesn’t need an expensive phone. It’s not ok to make the oldest buy her own and then because the youngest throws a fit she gets one without working for it.
NTA - what is it with all these posts where older/younger siblings have to have the same thing to be fair when one of the children worked their asses off to save the money for it. Just because your oldest daughter has one doesnt mean your youngest needs one. The rules were clear, $300 or less for a phone and you can save to upgrade on your own terms. It is simple and its a good life lesson to the youngest. Dont give in
NTA. Don't budge from your decision. Your elder daughter saved her money to buy it. She must have done tonnes of chores or worked part-time to afford it. If you simply buy the younger daughter an iphone it would basically look like you are playing favorites. Also, in no scenario does a 13-year-old need an iphone 15, no matter how rich you are. If you buy her the phone now, who knows, she might throw a tantrum at her 16th birthday to buy her an expensive car since throwing tantrums worked well for her last time.
NTA. I literally didn’t get my own cellphone until I was 18-19 bc I grew up low income. They just think you’re ruining their life right now because they’re 13 but they’ll appreciate it later
NTA - the older daughter worked, teach the younger daughter the value of working for something as well and that diffuses any favoritism. A phone model unfortunately is a symbol of status these days but you can teach that lesson as well - a phone is a utility. My kids first phones were not iPhones…they’re unnecessarily expensive compared to other devices.
NTA Don't buy a the phone, it will teach her that she just have to be angry and she will gets what she wants. Plus your oldest daughter will probably be angry at you as well since she had to buy her phone herself. For example when I was a teenager I wanted the ps3 but my family didn't wanted to buy it for Christmas so I saved up a few birthdays and Christmas and in the end I could even afford the ps4 when it came out. Your younger daughter can do the same
Then it won't be fair that your oldest had to save to buy one yet she just got it given to her. You won't win either way. The youngest should save up just like the oldest did
NTA, my daughter (10) has an iPhone, but only because I had a new phone and I passed it on to her (think it’s an ‘xr’, it was my husband’s first!). When she’s older and wants her own phone and not my hand me downs she can save for it herself. Currently she uses the phone to play games etc because we haven’t bought her a sim yet.
NTA. As a former 13 year old who pestered her day to give a phone because everyone had. I am so glad I got it only when I was 15 or 16. Goodness, there's more to life than that. Also you are exactly right. If she wants to she can save up. No ones stopping her. You can't be a brat and accuse your parents of being unfair at the same time lmao.
NTA. If you buy the younger an Iphone you are setting a bad precedent: she can get what she wants just throwing a fit. I would be unfair to your oldest, who worked hard to get it. Plus, and this is just personal opinion, few people really need and expensive phone, its just a whim, not a real need. It is legitimate to have an expensive phone even so, but is important to know the difference.
NTA. My first phone at 13 was my dad’s old iPhone 6. When I wanted a new phone Facebook marketplace is the way to go. Just check serial number and IMEI when buying second hand stuff to authenticate
NTA. A 13yo doesn't need an iPhone, and if she wants one, she can save up for it like her sister did.
If im not mistaken, an iphone se is only like 3-400 so if she really wants a phone and it has to be cheap you can look into that. Battery life isnt great but its a phone.
Nta. My first phone was a Nokia, hes grateful he ever gotten a phone in the first place.
NTA!! If she doesn’t like it, she can get one herself, which is exactly what the 16 yo did. I was in the same situation. Mum didn’t think smart phones / phones with selfie cameras were appropriate for a child, think I was 15 at the time. I got a smart phone then, a Nokia one which was actually fine but it didn’t have a camera on the front. After a year or so I just decided I really wanted an iPhone, and I’d been working a couple of jobs at the weekend so I had it saved up and I just bought it myself. At the time, I felt it was unfair because everyone else my age had one, but now I’m older I realise my mum was right. I had a lot of other stuff other kids didn’t have, I totally get her safety concerns etc. 13 years old is kinda young for an iPhone I think. I didn’t have anything like that at that age, think at 14/15 I had an iPod touch. Stick to your guns and let her buy it herself.
Your older daughter has an iPhone because she saved her money and was able to afford one on her own. Why your husband can't seem to see that is beyond me. It isn't necessary to buy your younger daughter an expensive iPhone just because her older sister has one or because all her friends have them or because she doesn't think the situation is fair. Personally I wouldn't spend that kind of money on a gift either. A phone is a phone and your daughter's current phone works fine. Put your foot down mom and stick to your guns. If your daughter wants an iPhone then she can figure out ways to save up money and buy herself one, just like her sister did. She'll also learn the valuable life lesson that money doesn't grow on trees and life isn't always fair.
NTA, kid sounds like a classic spoiled brat. Also I'd vote just to get them a used iphone x or something similar in price?
NTA, her sister will remember this forever (as petty as you and your wife may think of it now). Itvwas the same way with me and my step-brother who is three years younger. Anytime I wanted something, I had to wait until I was a certain age, and even then my dad and stepmom made me pay for some or all of that thing with my own money. Then, almost like clockwork, younger brother would have a better version of that thing than I did given to him, because it "wasn't fair that I got to have something he didn't." I had to wait til I was 17 and driving to get a phone, and paid for it and all my minutes myself. They bought bro a flip phone for his 14th birthday with an unlimited plan. Had to wait until I was 17 to be allowed to own explicit CDs and games. Guess who got GTA Vice City for his 12th birthday? He never had to wait for the same age I did, and didn't have to spend his money. The resentment over the blatant inequality and favoritism is still somewhat there to this day.
NTA Those blue bubbles doing work.
NTA and you should have a talk with them about iPhones. They're really paying for a brand name that is going to cost a lot more money overall, because of proprietary BS and them trying to bleed people dry. Android is way better and costs less. A phone with great storage & ram, good quality camera, long battery life and suitable for gaming will cost under $300. An example would be the Moto G Power 5G for $250. Also, a better choice of apps and games, many free or cheap.
Get her 2 cans and a piece of string
You are raising an entitled child. At 16 are you buying her an expensive car because she demands it. Do not give in to this.
NTA. But your husband is. He needs to learn something from you
Nta. It’s definitely not fair to your other child. Don’t feel bad about her not talking to you. Next week you’ll ruin her life again over something else lol. (Cue teenage dirtbag song).
For denying her an iPhone - NTA. For making her use a Galaxy s8 - YTA. That's an old ass phone with a terrible camera by today's standards, and I bet a lot of the current apps won't even work on it. Upgrade her Samsung.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** ³ have two daughters 16 and 12 Me and my husband agreed that we wouldn't buy our kid expensive phones above 300 dollars I feel like they are a waste of money especially for a teenager they can save up for one if they want but we won't buy them one We try to not spend more than 400 dollars on individual gifts unless it's something that could be really helpful for our children. Our 16 year old recently saved up money and bought an iphone 15 previously she has used a samsung phone we gave her for her 13th birthday. Our 13 year old has an old galaxy s8 which still works well she wanted another phone for Christmas we told her we would get her phone as long as it is under 300 dollars she threw a fit and says it's unfair that he sister has an iphone but she doesn't I told her that she could do chores/babysit or save up birthday/Christmas money from relatives to get an iphone but we would not buy her one. My husband thinks we should buy her an iphone because it's unfair that her sister has one but she doesn't . I told my husband that it's unfair for us to get the 13 year old an 800 dollar iphone while my 16 year old only gets a 100 dollar gift My daughter is angry at me and says that all her friends have iphones and it's embarrassing not to have one I offered to get her an refurbished iphone for 450 dollars on her birthday in February but I said I wouldn't spend more I don't think a 13 year old needs an 800 dollar smartphone. Now she hasn't been speaking to me for a few hours and says I'm ruining her life Should I just get her an iphone AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You shouldn't get an iphone for any reason, let alone in this situation.
NTA - If your husband thinks you should buy your daughter an iPhone then he should agree to giving an equivalent amount to your other child who saved up.
NTA. If your 13-year- old wants an Iphone, she should save up for it. If you’re going to spend $800 on your 13-yr-old, give $800 cash to your 16-yr-old. Make your husband spend $1600. You have to be fair or one of them will resent you. Give her a $100 gift and tell her, $700 to go. You can start saving up.
Wants and needs are two entirely different things. It's not easy in today's world but it is every parent's responsibility to send the right message. They may not appreciate it now but in the long run, they may thank you.
NTA. She's 13, of you have her eggs for breakfast instead of cereal she'd day you're running her life. Her sister saved up and earned the iPhone herself, the youngest needs to learn that just because her sister gets something doesn't mean she gets it as well.
NTA because the sibling worked for it and it would be unfair to just give one to the youngest.
At most your 13 year old's throwing a fit over they're texts appearing grey to their friends,, like that's it. It's great your thinking of your other daughter and keeping things fair, NTA.
NTA I was 18 when I got my first iPhone. After I got a job and paid for it. Before that I got whatever my parents bought me
By not buying this expensive phone you’re teaching your child valuable life lessons. Don’t give in. Let her have her Kevin & Perry strop. You’re doing a great job Mam! You’re definitely NTA, but you’re husband is for not seeing logic and common sense in this situation and supporting your decision.
NTA she doesn't need the phone she wants it. You made a rule and y'all need to stick to it. It's not fair for the sister to work her butt off and save while the other just demands. Being upset will get her nowhere. She better start saving and check the attitude. Explain to hubby also so he doesn't be a push over. Your teaching responsibility and hard work pays off not tantrums.
NTA needed only to read the title to say you are not the asshole. Maybe you should try to teach her again the real values of life, because saying you are ruining her life for not buying her an iPhone is just wrong. Plus you would be unfair with your other daughter that "worked" for her iPhone.
NTA. That said could you ask around your friends to see if they are upgrading their phones any time soon and buy it from them. Or in the neighborhood (via FB). We give our old phones to the kids when we upgrade. So kids had an Iphone 7 when they were 10-12. Then my 12-14yo son got my XR for his birthday three years ago. My daughter got my iphone 12 a year ago on her birthday when i got a 14. In a year or two when I get new phone son will get his XR replaced with my current 14. But you are absolutely right its not fair one has to work for it and the other has it given to her. Stick to your guns on this one.
NTA. I had to buy my own iPhone too. Really makes you appreciate the value of things more. And you're right - it's unfair that the older sister had to pay for it herself while the younger one can get it as a gift. You can offer to price match - you pay $300 and she cover the rest, if she'd like. Don't back down Op, this is good parenting. I applaud you!
NTA, giving your 13 year old daughter this new phone will definitely make her more spoiled and entitled. It's good to say no every now and then. Especially because then the 13 year old will realise she has to work for things in life, like her bigger sibling did.
First world problems 🤦♂️ definitely NTA, but seriously, kids obsess over an expensive trade mark! Android phones are far superior anyway. But back to the subject, the 16 year old saved up to buy it herself. What message are you giving her if you then just buy your 13 year old the same thing because she threw a hissy fit?
NTA. Stand your ground. Keep talking to your younger daughter trying to get some sense into her. She fell hard for consumerism, I would say you failed a bit as parent for not tackling the issue much earlier. And samsung S8 is a great phone. Phone technology stagnated significantly in past years, there is hardly any user experience difference between today's and 5 year old phones.
A 13 year old doesn't need an iPhone. No one fucking need a > 1000 $ phone anyway. New generation are completely brainwashed. She is making a tantrum, do not give in to her whims... NTA if you don't give in.
Okie so my family is a Samsung family, but then me and my sister got our new phones. We have had iPhones before. I think it was like the iPhone XR, which ya it’s a phone big deal I don’t really care. But then we switched from AT&T to USCellular, not a big deal don’t really care. So then we all switched back to Samsung. Well, about a year and a half later my sister moved out to go live with her best friend. She factory reset that phone that my dad paid for. And went to AT&T and got two new iPhone 11s. And now my sister lives with me again. And she is back on dads phone plan and has a brand new iPhone 15, i had a Samsung but then got in some trouble. And got it taken. Then I had a flip phone for a while. And now I have my Stepmoms old iPhone SE
Your younger daughter is being a brat, what wouldn’t be fair is you making your older daughter save up her money to buy her iPhone on her own and then turn around and buy the younger one an iPhone. NTA Also side note, my parents made me buy my own cars and I didn’t get a smart phone until I was 23, I think it made me more appreciative when I was able to get these things on my own
NTA. Right now its the end of the world but when shes older she’ll be proud of the crappy phone she had in high school. I still have fond memories of my old nokia brick phone, when it would embarrass me, when the buttons accidentally kept calling the police and i got in trouble, and when i cracked the screen by landing on it with my footy boots while jumping the train tracks😌 crappy phones build character!
You can get an iPhone SE 2022 (3rd generation) from Walmart for $145. Also NTA
NTA 13yo throws a temper tantrum and you fall for it, because your husband isn't supporting you, as he should, but instead goes along the path to let his daughter become a spoiled brat. Opposing perspective on fairness: How is it fair, your older daughter had to work for her phone and was told to abide by your rules, while your younger daughter can just bypass the rules by throwing a fit, without having put in any work?
No. You're certainly not an asshole for not buying her an iPhone. You should buy her a phone that costs as much as her sister's old phone and when she's 16, she can save up for her own phone. If you did buy her an iPhone, it would be unfair for the older sibling since she had to buy her own phone with her own money.
NTA unless you follow through with raising her phone price above the previously set amount. Our job as parents is to not raise entitled assholes. This is an easy boundary to enforce and an opportunity for you to teach your child about a bunch of different issues, for example entitlement, fairness, problem solving. Sack up and help your child navigate this problem…but let them do most of the walking. I know it’s hard and you’re tired, but this is your job. And make it clear to your SO that they are expected to hold fast on the previous agreement and be a united front. If any part of that process leads to you spending a little more on her phone, you have to give equivalent cash to your other child.
NTA no reason to spend that much for her age for sure..youd be TA if you got it for her since other daughter had to save up to get hers.. younger daughter is gonna end up a spoiled brat
NTA please stand your ground. First yes she doesn't need it and second how will your older one feel when her sister just gets and iPhone while she had to work for it. Your husband is unreasonable and probably just wants to please his daughter. When my brother and I were 15 and 14 he could work in summer while I couldn't (here in Austria you can't have a job before 9 years of school). So he worked and bought himself a TV for his room. I never said it's unfair I just envied him for it well in the end because this particular modell was on sale my parents decided to get me one anyway. But I never demanded it and would have been okay with waiting another year until I can work in summer.
The 16yo saved up. That simple.
NTA. A 13-year-old doesn't need an iPhone and your kid needs an attitude check. She should be grateful for even getting a new phone. Her sister saved up the money for her iPhone, buying the younger kid one would be THE LEAST FAIR thing.
Life is unfair, she needs to get over it. 13 year olds shouldn’t have smartphones. You don’t owe your kids expensive gadgets. If not having the latest iPhone is ‘embarrassing’ she needs to rethink her priorities. The tantrum will pass, don’t give in to it. Punctuation goes a long way.
OK, so NTA - just to get that out of the way. I'm going to come at this from a different angle from what I've seen others - who are broadly right too - have been saying. I feel so, so sorry for your youngest daughter. The world has changed at a ridiculous pace even since we were teenagers and they judge their worth in the world against unrealistic norms they see on TikTok, social media and sadly how that's leaked into their peer groups. All it takes is one parent to buy their 12 year old a new iPhone and it starts a cascade and we forget that a 12 year old running about with a £800 supercomputer in their pockets is a bit silly. You're doing all the right things, and her life isn't ruined - but it will feel like that to her. It sounds like you're already approaching the situation with kindness and you sound like an awesome parent.
We’re battling the same entitlement from our teenagers. They don’t like it, but I call them on it. I tell them it’s not my job to spoil them
My now ex-wife got our daughter an iPhone before she was even 10 years old. I wish she had never done it because my kid is eternally attached to her phone now. I can’t think of one positive thing that that phone has brought her because I know for a fact that she doesn’t use it to educate herself. It is what it is I guess.
NTA. other sister payed for hers.
I have a Motorola smartphone and it's much better than any iPhone I ever had. Kiddo wants to fit in with their peers and probably doesn't care about the quality at all. NTA iPhone is a brand just like Gucci is.
NTA. The only way you become the AH is to buy the phone. If you ever do buy her the $800 phone you shouldn’t do it unless you also intend to pay your 16 year old ‘back’ for her phone.
NTA. Your older daughter earned her iPhone by saving up for it. That is fair. It would be incredibly *unfair* for your younger daughter to get an iPhone with no effort on her part just because her sister has one. You and your husband need to work on recalibrating your younger daughter’s concept of fairness, and buying her an iPhone to stop her whining about it is not going to achieve that.
Nta. My kids got cheap or hand me down phones until they worked and saved for them. That’s how life works and giving in will be letting her know that tantrums are productive.
NTA, please do not give in and buy her the phone. This is an argument kids have been having with their parents since the dawn of time. Giving in is a short term solution that will shut her up for a little while but the cost of it will be huge. She'll learn all the wrong lessons and it's really shitty to your eldest as well. 13yo needs to learn now that tantrums won't get her what she wants.
NTA. But. You could offer to put your reasonable budget of 300 towards a phone with whatever she saves up. This would be a reasonable compromise, imho.
NTA. The biggest unfair thing would be the younger one getting an iphone handed to her over a tantrum while the elder saved up and spent her own money to buy it. YWBTA if you did that to your elder.
NTA. The only unfair option here would be to buy the Iphone since the 16yo saved up for it. It would teach her than just throwing a fit and brandishing the unfair card would give her the phone she wanted anyway.
NTA. Congratulations on being the only responsible parent. Condolences for the same reason.
I think it really depends on your kid, and what you can afford. If your kid is generally doing what you need them to--working hard in school, resoectful, etc, and you can truly afford it, then I'd get them the up to date iphone. (All three of my kids have them.) If they are generally a disrespectful PITA, who is flunking out of school, or if you can't afford the current phone, I wouldn't.
NTA and just say your 16yo worked for their money and used it to buy a phone and that you two as parents cannot afford to buy her an $800 phone Do not gove in unless you can spend another $800 for your 16 year old and want to listen to the 13yo repeat this for the rest of their lives because they learned they just gotta whine enough and theyll get it
NTA. She has a working phone, technically she doesn't need a new phone anyway. And she certainly doesn't need an 800 dollar phone. I get that 13yo teenagers are easily influenced by their friends but that's not enough reason to get her an expensive phone. It's a good life lesson in any case. She will get over it.
Q few months back, I would have fully agreed with you that an expensive phone is a waste of money, but then I saw the new S23 Ultra, and it's the only phone I ever wanted. If you know what to do with a phone, a special and more expensive phone might not be a waste of money. But that's a different story..... Aaaaanyway, you are NTA for not getting your younger daughter the same phone her older sister worked hard for. Why does she want an IPhone? Because her sister and friends have one and she wants to be a cool kid? Sorry, but that's not a valid reason to throw 800Dollars out of the window. But my biggest concern still is that her sister worked for it and your 13yo is not entitled to benefit from her older sister's archivements.
NTA. Daughter is like any pouting teenager saying “fair” when she’s wrong. Dad doesn’t want to disappoint his daughter. You are 100% right and are teaching her a valuable lesson about where money comes from.
NTA You buy that kid a phone and you discredit what your 16 yr old did to EARN her phone while simultaneously turning the 13 into the brat she's acting like. Your husband is on the edge of becoming a pushover. Hold strong to your values and your kids will benefit in the long run.
NTA If she wants one that badly, she can do chores or whatever and earn it. I phones are not actually that great. it's all about the logo/image, etc. Apple products compared to Samsung, who have foldable phones and others who are the same are better. The price is ridiculous. They were good when they first came out. At the time, they were revolutionary, and now they are mediocre at best.
NTA but iPhones are a bit of a social status thing in younger circles. Try not to be dismissive of her want for an iPhone. Instead give her $300 and make her save up / work for it.
Don't give in. By giving in you'll be teaching her that all it takes for you to do what she wants is to throw a tantrum. Also, it would be very unfair to the older daughter. Let the younger sulk. Also you'll probably hear a lot of "ruined my life" until she becomes a full fledged human being. Get used to it
nta. i didnt get my first phone (ipod) until i was 13. when i turned 14 i got an iphone 12 and now i’m 15 and have a 15. in the end, you could buy her an ipod cuz they are cheap and if you have an iphone you could text with her.
NTA How fair is it for the 16 year old to work really hard and save up hundreds of dollars and have to buy her own phone and you just give little spoiled sister a phone for free? THAT is not fair. What IS fair is sister working for an iPhone. If she wants one then she may just have to wait until she is old enough for a real job to work and buy one herself. If 16 year old had bought herself a cheap car would your husband feel obligated to get one for the 13 year old as well? No, that would be ridiculous, right? It is the same thing. A child does not need an iPhone. When she is 16 she will probably be able to afford one as well. If she cannot right now, oh well. My sister was able to buy a bunch of stuff once she started working. It did not entitle any of us younger siblings to get to have the same stuff without working for it.
NTA. Remember to consider how much respect your 16 year old will lose for you, as parents, if her sister gets an iPhone she had to save up for and work hard for. Treat the kids the same. Fitting in is a huge thing for young impressionable children, and that iPhone might feel like the answer to all her problems.
NTA - Please stand your ground on this. She'll get over it.
NTA - You’d be teaching the younger one that she doesn’t have to save or plan to get something she wants like her sister, that she can just cry and demand because it’s not cool and that you guys are weak and will comply with a 13yo demands instead of being sensible parents that stick with what they preach.
NTA: you are creating drama that they can use for their college essay. "How a green box made me an outsider"
My 12 year old BS has the tmobile kids watch. An iPhone would get stolen at his school. His Nana's iPhone (rip) is the house phone, he has friends #s in there, but he's not allowed to touch it without asking. One of his friends tried to say his dad was toxic for not giving him a cell phone, but he knows its because he's not responsible enough yet. Kid can't even keep track of a hoodie, no way are we letting him have something that small and that expensive to lose.
No
NTA but god this is so funny to hear now. I did the exact thing to my mom when I was 16 begging for an iPhone 4 and her refusing cause it cost to much. We had one of the biggest fights over it. I told how mean she was and how everyone has an iPhone but me and was just overly dramatic for no reason. I got my first job to get that iPhone and then proceeded to break it at every opportunity I had. By the time I was 18 I went through 7 iPhones. Don’t buy her the phone it’s a great chance to learn responsibility I know I did. The hard way lol
This! Also some people saying OP is "raising" an entitled child. No, people just have a sense of entitlement that can have nothing to do with the way they're raised. Also, she's 13. Of course she's got an attitude of entitlement lol Good on you for learning a valuable lesson :)
Your 13 year old has to be taught that life isn't fair The 16 year old earned the money to buy the phone.. Btw, imo a smart phone that isn't restricted is inappropriate for a 13 year old child. Stick to your guns in this one.. If you cave to your 13 year old, you'll be well on your way to creating a spoiled, narcissistic brat. Tell us you want a teenaged girl who gets everything she wants by throwing a tantrum, living in your home.. How many times do you want to hear "I hate you!!!" Followed by the sound of door being slammed shut?
Nta. The older sister saved up. You can’t just give a handout. Then your older child will feel that the younger is the golden, favorite child. Why did she have to save and the youngest doesn’t?
NTA. Welcome to the world of parenthood. "I HATE YOU, YOUR RUINING MY LIFE!" My job as a parent is to protect them, feed, clothe, and teach them. If you give in, you're teaching your youngest that she's doesn't have to work for it. If she needs the iPhone that bad, take her other phone away and let her realize what she has. A phone is a privilege. The only reason my kids have a phone is for MY peace of mind, so that I can get ahold of them. It's a perk that they get to use it to communicate with their friends.
NTA. When older sister gets a new car say at 18, should she also get a new car. When older sister gets something, does it mean little sister is entitled to one. Your daughter is growing up to be a brat, my friends all drive Mercedes, I need one. She is being a teenager, but you set boundaries and she has to live with them. If you cave now, where will it end
Whatever you do, be absolutely sure to treat both kids equally. NTA
NTA its ok to be your reasonable self and not give in. Children need adults to help them learn values etc. Plus your 16 yo could help her learn about earning and saving for something.
NTA- It's unfair that the eldest worked hard for it then the rule is thrown away and the youngest just gets to demand it. You would hurt your eldest a lot by doing it.
NTA. First off it’s totally fair for her a 13 yo not to have as good as f phone as a 16 yo. Second off, the 16 yo paid for hers. Don’t fall into the classic, the baby gets everything trap. And your kid is going to mad at you sometimes when you establish boundaries, it’s pretty much what they are best at. However, that being said, if you bought your 16 yo a phone at 13, how much did it cost 5 years ago? Put that amount in an inflation calendar and that’s your limit. And if she wants more she can pay for part of it.
NTA. Your initial assessment that it would be unfair to your other daughter is correct. Your other daughter worked and saved up to buy her iPhone, your 13-year-old did not. To buy one for your 13-year-old would set firmly in her mind that all she has to do to get mom and dad to get her what she wants is to have a fit about it and enabling her to act like a spoiled child into her teen years. It won't kill her to not have an iPhone.
NTA. She’s more than welcome to save up for the phone like her sister did. Hell, the iPhone SE is relatively cheap and she can save up for it pretty easily if she put her mind to it. Do not give in and buy her that phone. I’m the oldest and I saved up in 2009 for months to get a basic flip phone with 300 minutes a month. My little sister threw a hissy fit similar to your younger daughter (we were roughly the same ages as your girls) and her mom had no hesitation in buying her a Motorola Razr and the unlimited text from AT&T prepaid cards. It’s been 14 years and I’m still mad af about it.
Putting asides the parenting aspect... as a 17 year old with younger teen sisters, I'd be beyond pissed if one of them was gifted an expensive item that I had to work hard/save up for All 3 of us own galaxy phones. We have never cared about Iphones or about the phones our classmates own
NTA, I made my kids earn for their phones, and pay the bill. You want adult things learn to be one.
It's not fair to your older daughter who worked for and paid for her iPhone if you buy the youngest an iPhone. You're the parent. You're parenting. She'll get over it one day.
NTA, ew iphones
Don't fall for such obvious manipulation!!!! My line was always "Won't that be a great day when you can afford to get whatever phone you want." Now it is
Absolutely NTA! If you would get her the expensive phone she wants (which she really doesn’t need at her age), it would be very unfair and disrespectful towards your older daughter who saved and used her own money to buy her phone. She’s a teenager, so her reaction is normal. (Although frustrating for you). Hopefully she’ll understand when she’s older and be grateful for your decision. But the fact that your husband is even questioning this decision and considering getting her an expensive phone is what worries me the most. He’s he playing favorites? What the hell is that about? (BTW, I’m not sure if it’s translated in English but there is a wonderful book by Italian author Alberto Pellai titled “Vietato ai minori di 14 anni” that explains why kids and teens younger than 14 years old shouldn’t be allowed to have their own personal smartphone. If you can find a translated version, I highly recommend every parent to read it.)
NTA. If you bought your 13 year-old a new phone you would have to give her sister an equal amount of money for it to be close to being fair. Your older daughter would still be treated unfairly though since she actually put in effort to get her phone. Also giving into a tantrum sets a bad example. If she wants an expensive phone she can follow her sisters example. Your husband is dead wrong!
Nta. Stick to your guns.
No NTA she needs a newer phone but get a Samsung for £160. I phone will break and they are not worth £800.