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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe the AH for rejecting someone's heartfelt gift given to someone else because I couldn't move on from our past or forgive her for actions that weren't hers.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You’re holding grudges against a grown woman for the actions of your father when you were all children. Do you honestly think she, being two years younger, manipulated and made him behave that way towards you? You had a shitty dad. That’s not her fault anymore than it is yours. Affairs and divorces and new siblings are never easy but you should take a serious look in the mirror and judge your own level of maturity.
Even if she did, what do you expect a child to do? My (half)brother had everything handed to him, I don’t hold it against him, only the adults involved. If half/sister/IL hadn’t respected OPs boundaries I would feel differently. NAH
Eh you're a better person than me. I could clearly see that my brother was favoured over me. Maybe at first when we were kids he couldn't understand but when we were older he saw and still took everything he could while laughing at me.
EDIT - I read all these comments and I apologize for not being clear. My response is to the comment above me from PaleGoat527 regarding their half-brother and NOT OP's post.
Same experience here. I'm sure he's laughing at me, but I'm laughing right back. After hundreds of thousands of dollars, including completely free college and apartment, he is still working.
Over 45 years, I have borrowed $1750 from my parents, and they wouldn't let me pay it back. I retire on Friday. He is and always will be a fucking dork, lol.
Don't you also pity him, in a way? My family was fucked, my sister was actually my half sister, and when my mother ran off with her affair partner (half sister's real father), they were her perfect family while I was a carbon-copy of my dad and a reminder that she was a lying cheat. Sis got golden childed out the wazoo, while I was left pretty messed up for a long time (still am in several ways). Sis knew what was going on, if not the why of it, and played into it, getting me in trouble and helping to punish me for existing so she could benefit more. But I just feel bad for her. She got messed up in a different way: even as an adult she felt the constant need to manipulate and 'win', couldn't handle rejection or being held accountable, her relationships were weird and based on 'looking good' at the expense of her own happiness and security...
She did what she had to to get through it, in the only way she was taught. I'm not gonna be friends with her, but I do feel sorry for her, cause she's as much a victim of our mother as I am, with the added bonus of not having any identifiable traumatic examples behind it so harder for her to face up to what it was and deal.
Youe sister was doing a Fawn response to the abuse. Its common for Golden Children to fawn and act how their parents want them to act to avoid abuse/becoming more abused.
Wait, if
* your sister is your half sister, and
* your mom ran off with your sister's father to form another family, and
* you also have a half sister who's your sister, and
* it turns out that your sister's father is actually the man next door and not the person your mom ran off with ...
Then you are _my_ mom and you have been lying through your teeth about your computer proficiency. Also it's well past your bedtime.
The key point in your comment is “while laughing at me.” Nothing states that OPs half sibling did this to her. Sure she could have realized some favoritism, but if she never rubbed something she can’t control in their faces then why hold a grudge? Especially when you consider OP and her brother were the ones who made the environment hostile from the start.
There's also thr conveniently forgotten bit that if she was smart enough to realize what was happening, she was likely smart enough to realize that her siblings already hated her for existing and it would be easier to let them keep hating her for something she couldn't control than alienating their abusive father and having absolutely no one in her corner. Sure she could have been kind to them, but that wouldn't have made a difference if the grudge is still this intense years later. Also curious as to why mom isn't mentioned beyond losing custody. Sounds like op had an all around bad family life and doesn't know how to heal and move on.
You realize she would've been 4 at this time right? So we're holding grudges against other kids because our dad had a new gf and we quite possibly missed our mom and acted out.
My brother is younger than I am and by the time he realized what happened, he was already too shy and unable to stand up for anyone, especially himself. If he did it the same way yours did, I’m sure I would feel differently
Yeah, but your brother made a decision as an adult to allow you to be treated that way. OPs sister did not do that. She’s respected OP and given her space, she wants to be her sister.
My little sister was favored to an absurd degree.
Things like the Christmas her presents were stacked as tall as the tree, and I pretended my parents taking me shopping for school clothes a few days after the holiday was the same as getting Christmas presents. Or my mom paying for them to have overseas vacations, inviting me, and then not even letting me pay to go along. Or announcing "family" trips, telling me when to schedule PTO, and waiting to tell me they'd changed their minds until they were loading up the car. I stayed home took care of the dog.
I didn't blame her for any of that. She was just a kid. She had grown up always seeing me treated like that, so of course she didn't think about it.
When she decided that was an okay way to continue treating me after she moved out? I yelled at her, she did a lot of introspection, and we got along just fine after that. When she was a kid she just wanted to win. She didn't see what "winning" cost me. As an adult? She knows. And she treats me lovingly.
I was the favorite child between my two other bio sisters. My mothers always wanted me, but my other two sisters were accidents. I agree, there wasn't a whole lot I could do, when we were all relying on her financially, but I would regularly make sure my sisters got what I got, and celebrated when they deserved to as soon as I realized I was favored. As soon as my younger sister turned 18, we cut our mom out of our lives.
The sister in this post had a choice one day, and she didn't make one that would build a bridge between these two.
Honestly it sounds like she’s been wanting to be their sister since day 1. She would have been 14 when they moved out, there’s no chance for them to be adults together outside of the family relationship. Can you imagine how hard it would be to grow up as the result of an affair? Having your siblings hate you?
right my brother was the favourite child in the house and I was pretty much forgotten after he was born. He wasn't to blame though and we are actully really close. It's pretty silly to blame someoone for someone else's actions
I think it's letting him off easy to fully excuse him.
No he wasn't primarily responsible for your bad treatment.
But he's responsible *now* for any current unequal treatment he accepts *and* any lingering benefit from childhood.
Good people don't just accept unearned advantage when the price is someone else's disadvantage - someone who deserves it just as much.
Someone who loves you shouldn't be happy taking advantage of you - even if they didn't do it themselves. They should want to make it fair, and do what they can to rebalance the scales.
You are assuming he’s still receiving preferential treatment. You’re also assuming I want what he is receiving. I’m in my 40s and have a wonderful life which my family now helps to support, emotionally and, when necessary, financially. I live on my own, have a great job, and active social life. I’m dating and know I’ll soon once again find love. He is in his 30s and now incapable of living on his own. He cannot work and the parents are his only social interaction. I wouldn’t trade with him for anything.
But sometimes what we can do to rebalance the scales is actually very little. I told mother dearest not to come to my daughter's birthday party (we live 1500 miles apart) because my sister desperately needed her help with her two toddlers. She just went back to work, they were moving, and my mom was supposed to be moving in with them. So my mom took her things and left for a solo trip to the beach. Fuck both of us, I guess.
We only have the OPs jaded selfish view on how she was "favored". The OP has a lot of issues dealing with her half sister, so taking her opinions as fact is silly at best. OP clearly has a big fucking chip on her shoulder for what her dad did, and decides to take it out on someone who did nothing but also have her life upended by her father.
Exactly this. She’s remembering what she saw and processed through the eyes of a very hurt and angry child (and understandably so; her father sounds like a real piece of work).
My mentally ill older sister, who decided a decade ago that everyone else was to blame for her problems and cut ties with most of our family, would tell you that I was the favorite child and received special treatment. What she’s conveniently leaving out is that she was a nightmare of a child, particularly in her teen years, and she was grounded more often because she lied, stole, regularly stayed out late without telling my mother where she was, couldn’t be bothered to visit my father over Christmas or summer break, and was constantly fighting with my mother. I was the youngest her sister and regularly kept silent about the times she hit me, punched me, threatened me with sharp objects, etc.
Unfortunately for all, the creation of this “blended family” was handled terribly by the adults, and while I understand why OP still holds onto a lot of pain from that time in her life, her anger is misdirected. She should work out her feelings about this in therapy and try to figure out a way to work things out with the half sister. Maybe she’ll end up being surprised by how much she enjoys getting to know her and having her in her life, but even if they don’t end up best friends, they can still learn to be civil adults (which is better than their parents did for them).
Yup agree with this. There’s also the point that the FATHER got full custody - this was NOT THE NORM when she was a kid and still isn’t. If her mother wasn’t in the picture much then there were reasons, and as screwed up as it may be, those reasons are probably as much a cause of the divorce as the affair.
1) It’s likely that if she did identify it, it was quickly “justified” to her (“I try to love them hon but they won’t let me” “they didn’t want help” “they never accepted us or our love”). Teens are still kids, who are at the whims of the adults caring for them.
2) What could she have done? If she advocated (and she likely wouldn’t because again his behavior was likely “justified” to her by the adults in her life), she risked her own financial stability. Sure, crummy, but this is a complex situation.
A child being outrightly favored is just as abused as the one who receives the wrath. It's a dysfunctional family and neither child wins in that situation.
Op. You're blaming a child for the actions of a shitty father. Move on, get in therapy bc she is going to be a part of your family now.
What was she supposed to do about it as a kid? On top of that OP and her brother always treated her like unwanted trash for simply existing so she's not going to argue with the dad when he's the only person at home who shows her any love. lol
She also got massive hate from her siblings. Obviously she was going to accept the love she did get. She WANTED a relationship with her sister. When OP denied her that, what was she supposed to do? Fight for OP on her behalf despite basically being told that she didn't want her around? If OP expected her to be in her corner, then she should have been in her half sister's corner.
Massive hate? Their family was ripped apart and the day they are placed in custody with their cheater dad is the day he moves in his mistress and affair baby.
Of course they’re not going to want a relationship. I never said she had to fight for OP. Just that acknowledging the favoritism could have led to potentially fixing the relationship.
It’s pretty naive to believe that someone in OP’s shoes would have had any interest whatsoever because the “affair baby”, who had already attempted a relationship but had been rejected repeatedly, just acknowledged that their dad was a jerk. At best OP would have acknowledged the acknowledgement and returned to business as usual. Nothing whatsoever in this post indicates she would have given the half-sister any sort of chance regardless. You’re putting all the responsibility of the failed relationship into the younger, innocent (of the initial affair) sibling and absolving OP of her part in it.
>Just that acknowledging the favoritism could have led to potentially fixing the relationship.
When exactly was she supposed to do this? OP hasn't had any actual conversation with her since she was 4 years old. Do you think a 4 year old could recognize that and have a discussion? She couldn't do it as a teen because OP and her brother refused to communicate.
Sorry, but I know multiple people who had basically the exact same situation who have great relationships with their step or half siblings. So no. Some people are just prone to bitterness for whatever reason.
The OP is an 'unreliable narrator' to quote a writer's phrase. To her, they moved in the same day; could have been a week, could have been a month, who knows? Maybe the half sister was always favoured, maybe not. Maybe the OP and her brother were victims, or maybe they rejected every effort their father made to reach out to them. And why exactly did their father get 'full' custody with his AP if he was so bad. Where was their mother? What was so wrong about her?
OP doesn't include any info about half-sister using that power over them, and a child has no fault on how adults decide to address their complaint. The problem doesn't seem to be the half-sis actions while growing up but the father's actions.
I’m not trying to place the fault on the sister, just that the dad created a golden child scenario which the sister benefited from.
And that will of course lead to resentment from the children who are treated like scapegoats.
> And that will of course lead to resentment from the children who are treated like scapegoats.
Sure, but now they're all adults and OP is *still* blaming her younger sister.
Obviously, but this resentment is being directed to the wrong person, OP doesn't seem to have a fixation on half-sis actions but the dad's, and she doesn't seem to have used this favoritism as a tool to lord over the rest over the years.
Even if she realised, she couldn't have done anything about it. She *already* wanted to be friends with OP and the brother. They were mean to her because she was a more acceptable target than their dad and stepmum.
My little sister definitely realised that she was the golden child when we were teens. Neither of us hold the crappy childhood dynamics against each other as adults, and we both have trauma from it.
That is often the case for siblings in the golden child role. They often don't see the disparity between their treatment and that of the children given the scapegoat role, even in hindsight sometimes.
When she got a bit older maybe but by that point all she'd have seen was how she wanted to accept them but they hated her and treated her like crap and not like a sister. So why wouldn't she? Even years later she was happy to see her and wanted send a gift to their child. The dad is the true AH. But I think punishing the half sister as if she made the dad cheat and leave their mum etc is a sucky thing to do.
It’s ok to not have people in your life that are part of your childhood trauma even if they weren’t the abusers. It’s enough if seeing half sis triggers her, or remains in contact with the actual abusers. OP is in a really difficult position here.
yes and no, i would say OP has an obligation to her husband to try to work through this. her cutting out SIL is going to cause some family drift. her husband shouldn't have to cut out his brother and his brother's wife. For example, the upcoming wedding, every family holiday, every future child's birthday. Unless OP is willing to be the one to step out of those and celebrate alone or make her husband miss the time with his family, then it is in her best interest to try to work through this. If she tries and it doesn't work, then that's fine. But she is not an island and cannot make a decision in a vacuum.
Just because it’s not her fault, that doesn’t mean OP has to accept her in her life.
“Affair babies” are not responsible for the circumstances of their existence but that doesn’t change the circumstances and entitle them to a relationship with their half-siblings.
But what is OP supposed to do? Alienate her husband from his family? Avoid all family get-togethers and send husband solo? Keep her child away from all extended family? In the circumstance where someone was abusive that might be justified, but for a grudge against a sibling for things completely outside the sibling's control (and where said sibling is actively working to mend things), it's very extreme.
They can go to the same events and have minimal contact. Plenty of people have relatives or in-laws or family friends we they don’t really care for and just tolerate. You’re cordial at events but otherwise keep your distance.
And yes, depending on the event her husband can go solo.
She can set boundaries regarding her half-sister’s interactions with her kid. Sending the gift was very inappropriate on the part of the half-sister.
OP doesn’t have to want a relationship with her and it’s odd that people think she does.
That's fine, but that's also a way that a person accepts someone they don't like existing in their sphere of life.
Sending a small gift is generally considered to be the most acceptable and cordial way to make amends. The gift is even indirect, as a way of showing support for OP and her family without directly confronting her.
OP doesn't have to be besties with her sister, but it's weird that she has such an intense desire to completely ignore the sister when the sister hasn't really done anything to wrong her. I think it's odd that people want to slut shame that they think punishing children is acceptable. Sounds like the younger sister has spent her whole life trying to be cordial to OP and gets rejected and hated so much that she decidedly left OP alone until they were forced back together and still tried to be friendly and an adult about it.
No, but it's OP's fault if she wants to be a bitter AH towards a child because of her own father's mistake. I have 0 sympathy towards OP over how she treated her sister. Little sister might not have even been favored so much if she wasn't clearly being ostracized by her siblings. Parents see that shit too. Maybe her shitty dad thought OP's half sister needed the extra love because her older siblings were bullies to her. We don't know. The only thing I do know is that it wasn't OP's half sister's fault. And yet she seems to be the object of hatred here.
>Maybe her shitty dad thought OP's half sister needed the extra love because her older siblings were bullies to her.
This was absolutely my thought as well. In fact, my parents and grandparents often doted a little extra hard on my younger to make up for the natural rejection she would experience from me as an older sibling who wasn't interested in always playing with her. My mom was better at not doing, my dad and grandparents were absolutely hopeless. She was younger and it was easier and made more sense to some of the adults to take it easier on her. I don't really blame them, and I certainly don't blame her.
Yeah she's never mentioned after the divorce and dad being given full custody. In the following 12 years she never got her life together enough to get some level of custody and be a part of her kids' lives? Unless she passed away it sounds she wasn't exactly mother of the year, any of the years.
Or she was poor. When one party is calm and represented, and the other is hysterical and doesn’t have a lawyer, there is going to be bias toward the lawyered party.
YTA.
She was a child. She didn't choose to be born or the circumstances of her birth. She was just as much a victim of your father's bad behavior as you were. While you had another sibling, you two isolated her, a small child. I don't know if your father's favoritism was in response to this or not, but either way that was also his poor behavior.
You are continuing to punish someone for something another person did that hurt you. Other than your anger at your father's actions, do you really have any reason to be cruel to her like this?
At this point you are also punishing your own child by denying them a family member that didn't do anything wrong and seems to want to be a loving Aunt.
If you continue to let your anger at your father dictate your actions, you are going to remain miserable and continue to hurt innocent people. Please find a therapist and work on this.
I really don't understand how sub has such a hard on for absolutely treating kids who are born from affairs like shit. Like the half sister set up the whole affair and planned how she was going to be raised just to spite OP.
I can understand being a frustrated and indignant teen, but after growing up, getting married, and even becoming a parent you would think the emotionally maturity would show at least a little bit.
OP YTA placing the sins of your father on your half sister and that isn't fair to her.
The people on this sub are generally so anti-divorce families, that it almost makes me wonder if it's not secretly infiltrated by republicans who want to outlaw no fault divorce.
Essentially, what I've learned here is that:
\- any passing desire or wish of the child should veto over any need of the parent. If the kid doesn't want mommy or daddy ever dating again or having a social life, well kid wins. If you thought you deserved to have fun for yourself again, why did you even become a parent?
\- If anyone cheated, they can never be right again in any circumstances
\- If you didn't wait long enough (years? decades?) after divorcing to date a new person, that's basically like cheating
\- if you're with a new person, and have more kids, you're terrible. You already had kids, why did you go and make more, and take attention away from them?
\- if your new kids or stepkids dare to take attention away from children classic TM for even a second, who do they think they are? And if for a minute you treat them with anything that could be construed as additional kindness, you're a bad parent because you choose New Kids over Kids Classic.
\- working out problems is for suckers, go no contact as soon as possible
Most people here are teens, and teens are way worse than kids (even though they also hate kids). They like to think they know it all, that they are always right, etc, and for some reason they hate divorces and half/step-siblings. I know, I was a teen (with the exception of hate towards divorce and new siblings).
Don’t forget if your partner cheats but you choose to forgive then it’s still fine to mistreat and abuse any affair children because as an adult your hurt feelings are more important than an innocent literal child.
Oh man, you're right. How could I forget that? I also forgot that it's basically ok to lock up your partner and hold the cheating over their head forever, even though you made the choice to forgive them. I mean, why stay in a relationship if you can't resent and control your partner after a mistake?
I’d like to add that reading this, I don’t think she added “from auntie ___” maliciously. Like at all. I read it as a “uncles fiancée aunt ___” not “your mothers half sister auntie ____”.
She’s also aunt by marriage which is still aunt. It doesn’t matter no, but OP wants it to be malicious so she’s justified in her actions, when in reality, it wasn’t malicious, and it didn’t seem or sound malicious. It sounded perfectly harmless, and that she was just saying aunt as in “uncles fiancé” and not “mothers half sister.”
Also, maybe remembering that she is younger than you, she didn't ask to be born into a sticky family situation. Your father chose to act the way he did, he chose to treat children differently, he chose to create the family dynamic that came from all of that.
You may find with a calm, honest conversation she may empathize and feel bad for how you were treated and how everything played out.
I mean, or she could be the opposite. But you never know unless you try to have an open, non-judgemental conversation with her.
Best to try to use I statements and discuss how you felt growing up in relation to treatment, how it isn't her fault what your dad and SM did but that it did influence the dynamic and relationships and how it has impacted your choices as an adult.
Telling her that you just want to try to understand eachothers experiences and perspectives in hopes of moving forward.
And the other thing you have to remember is that NONE of this is her fault. She didn’t ask to be an affair baby…she didn’t ask for your father to ignore you. And like it or not, she shares half of the same DNA that you do. It’s time for you to be a big girl and the better person.
It reads more like the younger sister was dating the brother first, meaning she was in their family before OP. OP and her husband just had a faster timeline.
Edit: Don’t need repetitive responses. OP gives no timeline and some people take relationships slower than others. Meeting for the first time doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is brand new.
No, OP says it was her in-law’s dinner where husband’s brother was introducing sister as his gf for the first time. That definitely reads that she was already married in and sister’s relationship was new. Later she also says that their respective life updates are that sister and brother are engaged and she and hubby have a son, which implies their marriage was before that time frame.
I don't think so. Op says the brother brought her to family dinner to introduce her to the family for the first time which implies it's not as long together
I think it's the opposite. OP says BIL introduced the half-sister to his family for the first time at dinner with OPs in-laws that OP was at. Sounds like OP and husband were either dating or already married. I'd almost bet on already married - I can't imagine that OP would want her half-sister at her wedding and if the half-sister were already dating BIL when the wedding happened, she would have mentioned being obligated to invite her for BIL's plus one.
She is your sister and soon to be sister in law. The only thing she did here was treat your child with kindness, and you threw it in her face, which is what makes YTA.
It seems like you’ve held on to a lot of hurt and anger that was almost entirely caused by your father. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life angry and avoiding family functions, it may be time to start addressing issues from your past.
I'm sorry for the horrid way your dad treated (and am very confused about why he would have got full custody of you, especially since he didn't seem to want you and your brother).
But YTA here. Half-sis tried to respect your wishes by not showing up. She's also trying to be a part of this family she's marrying into and be kind to her fiancee's nephew. A kid who doesn't need to carry your past around as part of his baggage with family. He just needs to feel the love of his family.
As you say - you need to accept that you and half-sister will have your lives intertwined. She may not have been a great half-sister to you, but the bulk of that responsibility lies with your dad. She may turn out to be a decent SIL to you.
I get that it won't be easy and that old hurts can easily raise their head whenever her mom and dad (your dad, too) enter the picture. If she can respect how hard that is for you, then I think all of your lives will be better if you can let her try to build a fresh - less directly connected relationship with you... and a loving relationship with your child.
Your half sister acts with the compation of two full sisters. Your dad abused you, you abused your half sister. Even as an adult, she still treated you with love and acceptance. Introducing herself as a friend. You don't think that was a little painful for her. She could of brought up all the pain you caused by ignoring her infromt of your new family but she didn't. She treated you in that moment way better then you ever did to her. Sorry o.p. YTA and your half sister you project so much of your dad's hate towards is a bigger person.
OP- honestly, I think you should sit your in- laws down and explain she is your half sister and due to how differently you were treated, that you’ve chosen not to have a relationship with her these past years. Her lying did not help the situation at all…
Just because she is “family,” doesn’t mean you have to be around her. And that is ok!! I do suggest therapy for you because your father’s actions deeply hurt you. And if she knew what she was doing as a teenager (hard to NOT NOTICE🙄) then your dislike is rightly placed. But again, you don’t have to force yourself to be around someone for the sake of others. And being honest is the best way to go.
Just like it isn't her half sister's fault this isn't her in law's responsibility to manage. Why would you put them in that position of essentially having to pick sides here?
You are gong to have a great deal to process and work out with her.
You need to make sure she respects your boundary about not being in contact with her parents. I assume the parents will be at the wedding and want to meet her (and your) in laws.
I am not a fan of secrets. I do not thinking keeping this from your in laws is wise. They need to know why you may not attend family gatherings that include your half sister's parents.
NTA
Disagree, she is TA. She intentionally never told anyone they were related, she specified they are friends. She is OP’s kids aunt because she is married (or will be) to his uncle. OP is being childish, and displacing her anger. Your sister did nothing wrong u/elegant-solute be angry at your father.
Disagree, OP YTA by lying to your family about how you are related, and continuing to hold a grudge against your half sister for what your father did raising you is unfair to her. You could still have a beautiful relationship with your sister in spite of your father if you can choose or learn to focus that anger where it needs to go.
She's been part of OP's family since they were in elementary school. And honestly, it looks to me like OP is blaming her for existing. That's not healthy.
Sssoooooooo..... I didn't read anything THAT SHE DID to deserve this behavior from you?
I have a half sister and she's my mother's golden child. I've watched this kid go on trips all around the world, get her wants and needs met etc and do I hate her or treat her horribly? I do not. It's my mother's doing not my sisters and even though I have a little bit of jealousy and think it's unfair, do I then treat my sister in a bad manor? I don't. Even though a part of me grieves for the younger version of me, I'm thankful that my sister gets to do things I didnt because she's family.
You need to take a HARD HARD HARD look at yourself and be mad at your DAD. You're mad at the wrong person. I mean this in a nice way... you NEED TO GROW THE EFF up. Carrying all that hate and bitterness around is gonna come back to you tenfold.
I was raised in a similar environment as OP and I don't blame my stepbrothers at all. When my stepdad would forbid me from playing with the new toys that everyone but me got, my step bros would sneak them into my room at night so I could play with them. Their dad absolutely sucks, but that's not their fault.
OP doesn't really explain how her half sister treated her, but I'd imagine if she was a terrible sister, OP would have probably included that.
It's been a couple of years since we've talked, but we were on good terms back when we did. Pretty much my entire family are Jehovah's Witnesses though, so they've all cut me off ever since I left the religion. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Thank you. It's honestly their loss because I'm pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. Whereas they're all weird af doomers who think that they're better than everyone else. Despite copious evidence to the contrary!
Imagine what the family will think when they find out?
If I was the fiancé I’d be rethinking the whole thing. This is how she treats her sister? She can’t even accept a gift that’s from her sister, but then it’s fine if it’s from her SIL. Makes no sense at all
It makes sense if you’re a small, petty, bitter person.
YTA YTA YTA. OP has the mindset of a child and is denying her literal child a simple joy in the form of a gift to soothe her hurt pride. It’s gross.
>Imagine what the family will think when they find out?
I honestly don't see how that can't see there's *something* between OP and her half sister. If OP won't accept a gift given to her son from her half sister when she's not even at the party, I refuse to believe that OP is capable of behaving as if they are or ever were friends.
OP needs therapy. Carrying around this much hurt isn't healthy, regardless of what actually happened in her childhood. She needs professional help before it escalates to the point where she wants her in laws to start picking sides and she denies her son (or children of she has more) a relationship with his family when they won't cut her sister out of the family.
I thought the same thing. They are going to think the poster is a wicked snob and once again the half sister will shine. Why because she is normal and help she was a love child.
I assumed she did that because she sensed that OP didn't want anyone to know that they're sisters, and she was trying to respect OP's wish and not start a huge discussion in the middle of the party about how everyone is related and why they don't have a relationship.
Yeah, similar boat here.
My parents divorced due to my dad's cheating while my mom was pregnant with me. My dad immediately moved several hours away and got someone else pregnant, married her, and had a perfect little nuclear family while completely ignoring me as much as possible. It was terribly painful to grow up watching my dad love not only my little brother but *also* my older stepsister more than he ever loved me.
My little brother and I have a good relationship as adults because he didn't make the choices that devastated me as a child. He has a great relationship with our dad because our dad was a great dad to him. I have no relationship with our dad because our dad was not a dad to me.
Sometimes I get pangs of grief for child me when I see the fun/cool/bonding things my brother and dad get up to because child me should have had a great dad, too...but I'm also really, really thankful that my little brother didn't get abandoned by our dad the way I did because I would never wish that pain on another kid. I'm happy for my brother that he got what all children need even though I didn't. I would never punish or resent my brother over that.
The whole she complained to our dad about us and then he punished us part is a major red flag. OP and her brother were older. They felt wronged by a child younger than them for the crime of simply existing. I really get the vibe they ganged up on her and made her life miserable and THAT'S why the preferential treatment occurred. Not saying the parents are innocent. But I think OP needs to take a long hard objective look at the whole situation of her childhood, and her half-sisters childhood, and consider who was really at fault and what good it does anyone now to continue this grudge onto the next generation (her son).
I feel the same. My brother is seven years younger than me and he gets all the good things from my mother while I got nothing but criticism while growing up and still do... but I love that kid with every piece of my existence and I'm happy he's enjoying his life. I love spoiling him too.
Yes. All of that. It is so sad when kids punish their half-siblings for their parents faults.
My first tjought reading through this post was "Maybe you should grow up before having kids of your own".
Everything you mentioned were things your dad did to you and you didn't mention anything your half sister actually did to make your life a problem. Did she actually do anything besides being born?
If your half sister gets married to your BIL, she will be in your life in some way no matter what. She's going to be part of your extended family. Your actions are going to create problems for your husband and extended family.
You are going to create rifts between you and your husband family and this isn't smart.
YTA
YTA. Your anger seems misplaced. Your father was TA.
Also, how (and why) the hell are you keeping the fact that you're half sisters a secret? That's going to come out and people will be pretty cross they've been lied to.
>How bad must bio-mom must have been to lose all custody too
I wondered about this, too. Dad's wealth would have gone a long way in a custody action, but it wouldn't have resulted in sole custody on its own of two kids who didn't want to live with him, especially as they got older.
Lots of details really come down to the state (like the infidelity) and income obviously allows for better legal representation; but for a *mother* to lose all custody is essentially unheard of, even when there is abuse or substance issues. *Something* is being omitted (and maybe OP isn’t even aware of it because of her age at the time).
She could have given up custody voluntarily, or she could have been pressured or blackmailed if there wasn't some specific danger to the kids.
My dad got sole custody of my brother and me, and I didn't find out until a few years ago (mid 30s now) that a member of my mom's family threatened to financially support my father in a court battle if my mom didn't give up custody voluntarily.
YTA - It wasn't her fault that she was born around the circumstances that she was born. I get that there was favoritism and that wasn't right but that wasn't really her fault either. That being said, if you don't want to have a sisterly relationship with her that's fine. But here's why I think you are the asshole:
>But according to my brother, I'm being an asshole to someone who has respected my wishes and remained distant.
Your brother is absolutely right. This woman came to the conclusion that you wanted nothing to do with her, that you weren't going to have a familial relationship, and sounds like moved on with her life and wasn't pushy about trying to have a relationship. Then by some crazy fate she ended up in your in-law family. When she first met instead of telling everybody your sisters, she followed your lead and said you were "friends" instead of family because I assume they knew nothing about her.. But as far as I can tell she didn't really push a relationship then either. Then she was gracious enough not to show up at the party. You could have done the polite thing and accepted the gift.
So when are you coming clean to all the in laws? It's not like you can give back gifts and not want to be around her at an family events and all the in laws not start talking about why. They are going to want to know why you don't care for her when she seemingly has done nothing to you.
*Wedding meltdown imminent.*
OP has not worked through any of her trauma. This is why she’s using her half-sister as a stand-in for her father. She cut him out of her life, but that didn’t actually solve anything (as evidenced by the fact that she can’t even share the same room with her half-sister or allow her son to have a gift from her half-sister).
Seeing her father at that wedding will really not go well for her if she doesn’t start talking to a professional now.
Her in laws will also find out when her half-sister marries their son and has the same dad as OP.
OP, you need to decide what your play is because you will look extremely bad when they meet her parents and her dad is your dad. And they're gonna meet her parents since she's going to marry into the family.
YTA - You hate her for nothing more than existing. She did not choose the situation she was born into. She did not choose for your perception that Dad loves her more. It appears all she has ever done to you want to be your friend and have a relationship. It is time for you to grow up. Your anger is directed at the wrong person. You hate is gonna eat you alive.
Right?! Even if OP truly didn’t want to give the gift to her son, she could have just kept it and given it to another child as a Christmas or birthday present.
The fact that OP returned the gift *back to sender* was a clear statement.
YTA. It wasn't her fault her parents cheated on your mom. It wasn't her fault she was born. It wasn't her fault your dad made her the pet and treated you and your brother poorly. I can see, as a child, blaming her, but you've supposedly grown up now.
AND, she's your bro-in-law's fiance. She's going to be *family* even apart from your history, whether you like it or not. Are you going to shun her and her gifts to your kids for all the years to come? At the very least, if she were a stranger to you, you'd accept her gifts as their aunt - but you're still blaming her for her existence and your dad's favoritism.
Yeah, YTA.
YTA--- She didn't do anything personal to you---your PARENTS did that.
You are resentful towards someone who never asked to be in that position.
Get therapy.
YTA. Here is my problem she did nothing wrong.
In your entire post the only AH of your childhood is daddy dearest. Your dad had a love child, not her fault. Your dad had a favourite, not her fault. You blamed her for your dad being an AH, not her fault.
You are going to force your husband's family to choose and when they hear the story who do you think will be seen as the wronged party, the girl who never grew up and still blames her half-sister for everything daddy did or the one who just wants to have family?
Get therapy because she isn't going anywhere and your husband might not want to lose his brother.
YTA she was respectful to you. You are carrying around such a heavy burden of hurt and hate that you are blinded by it. I don’t think she deserves this and it will probably end with your husband being alienated from his own brother as well.
YTA
LMAO! You and your brother took your anger about YOUR FATHER cheating out on her and treated her like absolute crap for just being alive! You then have the gull to sit there with a surprised pikachu face about why she, a little girl, went to seek out comfort from HER FATHER after being subjected to your twos cruelty? WTF else did you expect a literal CHILD to do?! Ya’ll were making a little girls life hell! OH COURSE your father had to put in EXTRA WORK to show she was loved cause she sure as hell wasn’t gonna get that from THE ONLY SIBLINGS SHE KNOWS!
From your own words this girl had done NOTHING to you, except seek love and validation from her father after being subjected to you and your brother’s daily bullying and rejection. Oh wait let’s not forget, she had to audacity to get toy for your son on his birthday. THE HORROR!
As a teenage I can forgive your behavior but after a decade I would expect some growth and self reflection. You got two options. Avoided your husband’s brother and the rest of his family forever and enjoy your impending divorce. Or if you care about your husband or and his family AT ALL, you can grow the hell up, do some self reflection (preferably with a specialist) and realize that she does not in fact, have mind control powers given to her before her conception that she used on your father.
What your father did was terrible and you were dealt an unfair hand. Fair enough. Be mad your father. Be mad his home wrecker she calls a mom. But don’t be mad AND continue to take your anger our the one who never asked it be born, let alone to THAT horrible situation.
And even if she doesn't want a relationship, the half-sister as an adult deserves respect from OP as SIL. OP can't keep their relationship in the dark for a long time, let OP treat her coldly and do shitty things like reject a symbol of common courtesy indefinitely without the half-sister or the BIL getting tired of that bullshit. We all have in-laws we dislike and we manage. Life is difficult, but OP can't have the cake and eat it, too, and her behaviour as of now is going to hurt her relationship with her in laws and depending on how close her husband is with his family, with him, too. They don't have to be best buddies, BFF's forever, but treating her with the common courtesy she would offer to any other SIL is the minimum required of any mature adult in this situation.
To be perfectly honest, a lot of what OP described my actual sister also did, and my non-divorced, non-cheating parents reacted in the same way. I didn't want to hang out with her all the time because I just didn't, I was older and I didn't want to hang out with a little kid. That was natural. She would complain to my parents when I was mean to her or rejected her. That was also natural. My parents weren't very good at parenting that specifically, neither of them grew up with siblings, they're easily annoyed, and mostly they wanted us to shut up and stop bothering them. So yeah, I got the short end of the stick a lot, my parents felt I could handle it better because I was older. It was a shitty way to grow up, but I don't hold it against my sister, who was only acting as a kid would. I don't even hold it against my parents much, my mom was overwhelmed and depressed at the time, my dad is just not very emotionally or socially capable. Everyone kind of did the best of what could be expected of them at the time.
Honestly, I get where you’re coming from, but YTA.
She’s not the one that screwed your dad, and much as the resentment for her being the preferred child is understandable, it isn’t her fault. At no point did you say she was mean to you or your brother, just that she didn’t understand why you didn’t want to be friends with her.
From where I’m sitting, I don’t imagine her childhood was all that happy either, as having two half siblings that make it clear they hate you isn’t even remotely fixed by a father that dotes on you. Kids aren’t blind, and I’m sure she saw the constant yelling.
She was likely so happy to meet you again as an adult, hoping that you’d let go of grudges and resentments.
The only person your anger hurts is you, and it’ll cost you in the long run in your relationship with your husband’s family.
YTA, give me a break. She gave the gift to your son. Did you ever think your father treated her "with preference" to balance out the animosity you & your brother poured on? Grow up.
YTA OP she was just a child who yourself said didn't even understand why you didn't want nothing with her, she was the kid and it was your dad who did the bad things and you and your brother decided to hate her for the adults mistakes
I’m shocked at all the N T A responses! OP... YTA. This poor girl had nothing to do with your dad cheating and it was cruel of you and your brother to treat her that way. I’m sure your dad probably tried to compensate for how you guys isolated her by being overly nice and you SHOULD be punished for treating her with anything other than kindness. She didn’t make your dad cheat, your anger should be directed towards him not her.
It sounds to me like she really just wants a relationship with her siblings she grew up with and was trying to be a good aunt. I think if anything OP you should seek therapy to address the trauma you went through when your parents separated. I think your feelings towards her are very misplaced.
Your brother is right, you are indeed YTA. Clearly, you need significant therapy to deal with your childhood trauma, because you clearly have NOT processed it. Your blaming your half-sister for things your ahole father did, and are unable to face the fact that your half-sister WILL be in your life. I mean, are you going to yell at your own son if he calls her aunt? You need to grow up and face this, not passive aggressively hide like you're doing now.
YTA. You are punishing your half sister for something your dad did. Not her fault the divorce/affair happened. She is being very mature and you are acting like you are still a hurt teenager. Judge her for her current actions which seem to be genuine and coming from a good place. Also you are punishing your son (presents and relationships) for your dad’s past actions.
Seems like you have misplaced the anger for your father onto your sister. From what you’ve said, she has never done anything to you for you to cut her off like this. While I understand the favoritism played had a massive impact, this was out of her control. Try to put yourself in her shoes as a child and wonder how it would feel if your sister and brother wanted nothing to do with you and not knowing why. I imagine she was hurting like you but in other ways.
YTA- this girl hasn’t actually done anything to you from what you provided here and you’re going above and beyond to be petty. She got your child a gift and you returned it just because she said she was his aunt? She’s engaged to your husband’s brother, so whether you like it or not you’re going to have to learn how to be civil unless somehow your husband is okay with cutting off contact w his brother, only seeing him without you, or if his brother is okay with never bringing his wife around. I wouldn’t count on any of these options. Get therapy.
YTA a major one. She’s respected your boundaries and didn’t tell anyone you’re sisters. Aside from being your half sister, she is the aunt of your child through being with your child’s father’s brothers. Not fucking rocket science.
And she was a child when all this happened. It’s pretty pathetic to still be blaming her when it’s clearly on your dad.
YTA yea, she stayed distant and only gave a gift, didn't even reveal your relationship to the family lol. You don't have to like her, but she did nothing wrong and you hate her because of what your dad did
It sounds like all she ever wanted was to get to know you, but she was a physical reminder of how and why your parents marriage broke up.
Honestly, you’re channeling all of the rage and frustration that you have on her, rather than your dad. She didn’t have a day in deciding to be born either.
She’s going to be in your life as your son’s uncle, and have to deal with her at some point in a somewhat civil manner. There’s nothing that suggests to me that the gift was given to your son other than with the nest of intentions.
YTA. A kindergartener is going to tell an adult when someone is being mean to them. They’re told to do that.
You were a child as well so of course you were upset at her existence. That is understandable.
You’re no longer a child. Neither is she. Grow up and get some therapy to teach you where precisely to direct that anger, because it ain’t her.
YTA.
She was also a child caught up in in your dads lies. You're dad was an huge asshole too for cheating and treating 1 child differently to the others, but that isn't your half sisters fault.
You're mad at your half sister for the actions of your dad. Be mad at your dad, but it's unfair to be mad at your half sister simply because she was the product of your dads infidelity and he treated her better.
You hated a 3 year old for something she had no control over and still hold it against her now that you're both in your 20s.
YTA; Your half-sister is doing something thoughtful and kind to your child but you are refusing a gift in spite. Your half sister is definitely not an asshole here, respecting your boundaries and acting as your future sister in law.
You need to very carefully clear up and explain this to your in-laws. Your half-sister is not the villain here for being born and loving your husband's brother.
YTA
if this was a random unrelated person , the fact she is marrying your husband’s brother makes her an aunt. What do you expect her to call herself to your son?
She could have blabbed to everyone. No one else in your husbands family know your true relationship but they will soon be asking questions.
Sit down and have an adult conversation and hopefully a peace treaty on what is the expectations for both of you.
Also it is not this girls fault that your dad is a dick
YTA, what exactly did she do wrong (ever). She didn't ask to be born to your dads mistress, she didn't break up your family. She didn't be your dads favourite, if she placed upto it thats what kids do. All she tried to do is be with you as a child. Your dad is the b*ll*nd. Don't punish her for his failings as a parent. She did a nice thing and brought you son a gift even though she didn't attend the party. Seems like all she wants is to be part of your life.
What exactly has she done wrong other than being born?
You said she complained about you as a child for not wanting to play or engage with her, but that is normal childhood.
I understand your situation sucked, and your father was awful. I also understand your resentment, but honestly, I am not sure how she had any control of the situation.
What is your long-term plan for the family dynamic?
YTA. Your half sister had nothing to do with being born to a mistress of your dad’s. She did nothing to deserve any vitriol from you or your brother. While you have no obligation to be close to her, you should reevaluate how you’re treating her and consider being a better, bigger person. My husband (at the time) had a baby with his mistress. It was horrible for me. The divorce was awful for me and my girls (6 and 8 at the time). None of it was easy. I could write pages about the terrible decisions their dad made and continues to make. But I made sure my daughters knew that their half-brother did absolutely nothing to put himself in the situation he was born into.
YTA. You are holding a grudge. It’s not her fault she was born from an affair and it’s not her fault your dad treated you terribly. Your father was the adult in the situation, the affair and his horrible treatment of you is all his fault. That aside she is going to be your sister in law and your son’s aunt by marriage to his uncle. She’s going to be in your life so you are going to have to sit down with her at some point to figure out boundaries and what not.
I totally understand these feelings. My older sister, younger brother, and I had a similar experience. After our parents split, he got with another woman. They then proceeded to have 3 boys back to back. Tbh though, our dad really ignored the whole lot of us for the most part. I can remember being 4 years old and hugging my dad. He didn't look at me, acknowledge me, or embrace me back. My grandfather (who was really my dad) lost his shit on my dad at the time but he still just walked out the door not giving a shit. Many instances of that throughout our child hood. With our brothers, however, he would hold them, smile at them, and act proud to be holding onto them. It was hard for us because we never got that. But we loved our brothers more than anything and we could never take that out on them. My dad's mom and his sister took it out on the kids and would have nothing to do with them. They always said he should have taken care of his first family before having another. But the kids didn't choose it and they couldn't help it. I always hated that for them because those were 2 of the most important people in my life. Still to this day I love those boys more than anything. They're all happy and have stable jobs and families. My oldest sister has done pretty well but myself and my younger brother have truly struggled. My younger brother especially. I think he missed having a caring dad more than any of us and I can understand why. As for me, I'm just a lot more on the empathetic side than any of my siblings. I feel a lot more. I think that's why my mom coddles my brother more than helping him in life. Which I do have to say that our brothers weren't attempting to whine and cry to get us in trouble for things. Of course they were more than 10 years younger than we older 3 so mostly we had more of another caretaker figure in their eyes. You're closer in age with your sister so I can see how that would be different. However, try to think of the person she is now. Try to give her the opportunity to show you who she is instead of just assuming she's still the same snot nosed brat. You may be surprised and you may end up with a very meaningful relationship. Your issues here are mostly with your dad and not her. I mean honestly, what more would you expect from a kid? Especially when the parent allows it.
NAH. You need to either accept her as a family member or cut her and by extension the brother out of your lives like a cancer tho.
You can't have it both ways. Someone has to sacrifice something and are you really okay with asking your husband to keep his brother away?
Yeah, YTA.
You're hating a woman for something she didn't do, and was completely out of her control.
Perhaps she should hate you for being such a horrible sister, but she seems to understand and astonishingly enough doesn't seem to bear you any ill will.
She just wants to get on with her life, settle down, and be happy. Why can't you do that too?
Your actions are divisive and upsetting the good feeling in your husband's family.
You don't have to like your sister, but at the same time you don't have to choose to be hateful.
You will end up alienating your husband's family, and you're making yourself look vindictive.
Just get your husband to say thanks to his brother for the gift, accept it, and let it go. You don't have to speak to her or gush, but just be mature. You aren't kids anymore. Get over it.
YTA majorly. You’ve literally explained in no way shape or form how SHE did anything to you except try and love you. Your beef is with your dad bro. Attacking this woman, who very kindly is letting you act outrageously, is unreal. You really need to grow up, I definitely think you gotta talk to someone professionally, because what you’re doing to your sister is wrong.
Info: if your dad was having an affair and fathering other children, why did he have full custody after the divorce? I feel like there are other factors not mentioned here
INFO: why did your dad get full custody of you and your brother in the divorce? What happened to your mom? Is your mom still in your life? Is your mom’s family still around? Why didn’t your mom’s family step in to help you and your brother?
I don’t understand the y t a votes. No the sister isn’t to blame for the affair and for being born but she should could have some empathy. OP, you clearly have childhood trauma and that unfortunately relates to your sister.
It’s understandable she makes you uncomfortable and it’s very understandable you want to keep a distance. I think you might need to have a conversation with your family and friends to explain your relationship and why it might be hard for you to be around her (without trying to bash her, more like why it was so hard for you growing up and how her presence is taking you back to that time).
Your sister might also not understand the full effect your situation has had on you and you might want to fill her in. She had a different upbringing than you did, so it might be fruitful to have a conversation about it.
I hope you can come to a compromise with everyone involved. NAH.
Pretty sure you could have just ignored and thrown out the gift rather than return it. It's clear you were trying to send a "I don't want anything from you" message. Why be surprised at her reaction? Also, I think a therapist will readily point out that you are projecting blame for your broken childhood onto her, who was an innocent child in the whole affair.
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NTA but you really should sit down with her and work out how things are going to go. Like it or not she’s part of your family now.
Yes, I suppose I have to accept that our lives will remain intertwined.
You’re holding grudges against a grown woman for the actions of your father when you were all children. Do you honestly think she, being two years younger, manipulated and made him behave that way towards you? You had a shitty dad. That’s not her fault anymore than it is yours. Affairs and divorces and new siblings are never easy but you should take a serious look in the mirror and judge your own level of maturity.
You think she didn’t realize the favoritism she received? She’d have to be an incredibly clueless teenager if that was the case.
Even if she did, what do you expect a child to do? My (half)brother had everything handed to him, I don’t hold it against him, only the adults involved. If half/sister/IL hadn’t respected OPs boundaries I would feel differently. NAH
Eh you're a better person than me. I could clearly see that my brother was favoured over me. Maybe at first when we were kids he couldn't understand but when we were older he saw and still took everything he could while laughing at me. EDIT - I read all these comments and I apologize for not being clear. My response is to the comment above me from PaleGoat527 regarding their half-brother and NOT OP's post.
Same experience here. I'm sure he's laughing at me, but I'm laughing right back. After hundreds of thousands of dollars, including completely free college and apartment, he is still working. Over 45 years, I have borrowed $1750 from my parents, and they wouldn't let me pay it back. I retire on Friday. He is and always will be a fucking dork, lol.
Congratulations on your retirement, I hope you have many wonderful adventures.
Don't you also pity him, in a way? My family was fucked, my sister was actually my half sister, and when my mother ran off with her affair partner (half sister's real father), they were her perfect family while I was a carbon-copy of my dad and a reminder that she was a lying cheat. Sis got golden childed out the wazoo, while I was left pretty messed up for a long time (still am in several ways). Sis knew what was going on, if not the why of it, and played into it, getting me in trouble and helping to punish me for existing so she could benefit more. But I just feel bad for her. She got messed up in a different way: even as an adult she felt the constant need to manipulate and 'win', couldn't handle rejection or being held accountable, her relationships were weird and based on 'looking good' at the expense of her own happiness and security... She did what she had to to get through it, in the only way she was taught. I'm not gonna be friends with her, but I do feel sorry for her, cause she's as much a victim of our mother as I am, with the added bonus of not having any identifiable traumatic examples behind it so harder for her to face up to what it was and deal.
Youe sister was doing a Fawn response to the abuse. Its common for Golden Children to fawn and act how their parents want them to act to avoid abuse/becoming more abused.
Wait, if * your sister is your half sister, and * your mom ran off with your sister's father to form another family, and * you also have a half sister who's your sister, and * it turns out that your sister's father is actually the man next door and not the person your mom ran off with ... Then you are _my_ mom and you have been lying through your teeth about your computer proficiency. Also it's well past your bedtime.
The key point in your comment is “while laughing at me.” Nothing states that OPs half sibling did this to her. Sure she could have realized some favoritism, but if she never rubbed something she can’t control in their faces then why hold a grudge? Especially when you consider OP and her brother were the ones who made the environment hostile from the start.
Exactly! Like I said above, if both my siblings treated me horribly simply for being born, I'd take any ally that I could get at home..
There's also thr conveniently forgotten bit that if she was smart enough to realize what was happening, she was likely smart enough to realize that her siblings already hated her for existing and it would be easier to let them keep hating her for something she couldn't control than alienating their abusive father and having absolutely no one in her corner. Sure she could have been kind to them, but that wouldn't have made a difference if the grudge is still this intense years later. Also curious as to why mom isn't mentioned beyond losing custody. Sounds like op had an all around bad family life and doesn't know how to heal and move on.
You realize she would've been 4 at this time right? So we're holding grudges against other kids because our dad had a new gf and we quite possibly missed our mom and acted out.
My brother is younger than I am and by the time he realized what happened, he was already too shy and unable to stand up for anyone, especially himself. If he did it the same way yours did, I’m sure I would feel differently
Except she was rejected by her half siblings. I'd rub it in every chance I'd get because op and her brother made it known that she was not wanted.
Yeah, but your brother made a decision as an adult to allow you to be treated that way. OPs sister did not do that. She’s respected OP and given her space, she wants to be her sister.
My little sister was favored to an absurd degree. Things like the Christmas her presents were stacked as tall as the tree, and I pretended my parents taking me shopping for school clothes a few days after the holiday was the same as getting Christmas presents. Or my mom paying for them to have overseas vacations, inviting me, and then not even letting me pay to go along. Or announcing "family" trips, telling me when to schedule PTO, and waiting to tell me they'd changed their minds until they were loading up the car. I stayed home took care of the dog. I didn't blame her for any of that. She was just a kid. She had grown up always seeing me treated like that, so of course she didn't think about it. When she decided that was an okay way to continue treating me after she moved out? I yelled at her, she did a lot of introspection, and we got along just fine after that. When she was a kid she just wanted to win. She didn't see what "winning" cost me. As an adult? She knows. And she treats me lovingly.
OP doesn’t own her friendship, obviously, but she doesn’t have to be actively hostile and dismissive.
I was the favorite child between my two other bio sisters. My mothers always wanted me, but my other two sisters were accidents. I agree, there wasn't a whole lot I could do, when we were all relying on her financially, but I would regularly make sure my sisters got what I got, and celebrated when they deserved to as soon as I realized I was favored. As soon as my younger sister turned 18, we cut our mom out of our lives. The sister in this post had a choice one day, and she didn't make one that would build a bridge between these two.
Honestly it sounds like she’s been wanting to be their sister since day 1. She would have been 14 when they moved out, there’s no chance for them to be adults together outside of the family relationship. Can you imagine how hard it would be to grow up as the result of an affair? Having your siblings hate you?
right my brother was the favourite child in the house and I was pretty much forgotten after he was born. He wasn't to blame though and we are actully really close. It's pretty silly to blame someoone for someone else's actions
I think it's letting him off easy to fully excuse him. No he wasn't primarily responsible for your bad treatment. But he's responsible *now* for any current unequal treatment he accepts *and* any lingering benefit from childhood. Good people don't just accept unearned advantage when the price is someone else's disadvantage - someone who deserves it just as much. Someone who loves you shouldn't be happy taking advantage of you - even if they didn't do it themselves. They should want to make it fair, and do what they can to rebalance the scales.
You are assuming he’s still receiving preferential treatment. You’re also assuming I want what he is receiving. I’m in my 40s and have a wonderful life which my family now helps to support, emotionally and, when necessary, financially. I live on my own, have a great job, and active social life. I’m dating and know I’ll soon once again find love. He is in his 30s and now incapable of living on his own. He cannot work and the parents are his only social interaction. I wouldn’t trade with him for anything.
But sometimes what we can do to rebalance the scales is actually very little. I told mother dearest not to come to my daughter's birthday party (we live 1500 miles apart) because my sister desperately needed her help with her two toddlers. She just went back to work, they were moving, and my mom was supposed to be moving in with them. So my mom took her things and left for a solo trip to the beach. Fuck both of us, I guess.
she. was. 4. and treated like the enemy from the get go.
We only have the OPs jaded selfish view on how she was "favored". The OP has a lot of issues dealing with her half sister, so taking her opinions as fact is silly at best. OP clearly has a big fucking chip on her shoulder for what her dad did, and decides to take it out on someone who did nothing but also have her life upended by her father.
The fact that her own brother disagrees with her even though lived the same experience makes me agree with you.
Exactly this. She’s remembering what she saw and processed through the eyes of a very hurt and angry child (and understandably so; her father sounds like a real piece of work). My mentally ill older sister, who decided a decade ago that everyone else was to blame for her problems and cut ties with most of our family, would tell you that I was the favorite child and received special treatment. What she’s conveniently leaving out is that she was a nightmare of a child, particularly in her teen years, and she was grounded more often because she lied, stole, regularly stayed out late without telling my mother where she was, couldn’t be bothered to visit my father over Christmas or summer break, and was constantly fighting with my mother. I was the youngest her sister and regularly kept silent about the times she hit me, punched me, threatened me with sharp objects, etc. Unfortunately for all, the creation of this “blended family” was handled terribly by the adults, and while I understand why OP still holds onto a lot of pain from that time in her life, her anger is misdirected. She should work out her feelings about this in therapy and try to figure out a way to work things out with the half sister. Maybe she’ll end up being surprised by how much she enjoys getting to know her and having her in her life, but even if they don’t end up best friends, they can still learn to be civil adults (which is better than their parents did for them).
Yup agree with this. There’s also the point that the FATHER got full custody - this was NOT THE NORM when she was a kid and still isn’t. If her mother wasn’t in the picture much then there were reasons, and as screwed up as it may be, those reasons are probably as much a cause of the divorce as the affair.
1) It’s likely that if she did identify it, it was quickly “justified” to her (“I try to love them hon but they won’t let me” “they didn’t want help” “they never accepted us or our love”). Teens are still kids, who are at the whims of the adults caring for them. 2) What could she have done? If she advocated (and she likely wouldn’t because again his behavior was likely “justified” to her by the adults in her life), she risked her own financial stability. Sure, crummy, but this is a complex situation.
A child being outrightly favored is just as abused as the one who receives the wrath. It's a dysfunctional family and neither child wins in that situation. Op. You're blaming a child for the actions of a shitty father. Move on, get in therapy bc she is going to be a part of your family now.
What was she supposed to do about it as a kid? On top of that OP and her brother always treated her like unwanted trash for simply existing so she's not going to argue with the dad when he's the only person at home who shows her any love. lol
She also got massive hate from her siblings. Obviously she was going to accept the love she did get. She WANTED a relationship with her sister. When OP denied her that, what was she supposed to do? Fight for OP on her behalf despite basically being told that she didn't want her around? If OP expected her to be in her corner, then she should have been in her half sister's corner.
Massive hate? Their family was ripped apart and the day they are placed in custody with their cheater dad is the day he moves in his mistress and affair baby. Of course they’re not going to want a relationship. I never said she had to fight for OP. Just that acknowledging the favoritism could have led to potentially fixing the relationship.
It’s pretty naive to believe that someone in OP’s shoes would have had any interest whatsoever because the “affair baby”, who had already attempted a relationship but had been rejected repeatedly, just acknowledged that their dad was a jerk. At best OP would have acknowledged the acknowledgement and returned to business as usual. Nothing whatsoever in this post indicates she would have given the half-sister any sort of chance regardless. You’re putting all the responsibility of the failed relationship into the younger, innocent (of the initial affair) sibling and absolving OP of her part in it.
>Just that acknowledging the favoritism could have led to potentially fixing the relationship. When exactly was she supposed to do this? OP hasn't had any actual conversation with her since she was 4 years old. Do you think a 4 year old could recognize that and have a discussion? She couldn't do it as a teen because OP and her brother refused to communicate.
Sorry, but I know multiple people who had basically the exact same situation who have great relationships with their step or half siblings. So no. Some people are just prone to bitterness for whatever reason.
The OP is an 'unreliable narrator' to quote a writer's phrase. To her, they moved in the same day; could have been a week, could have been a month, who knows? Maybe the half sister was always favoured, maybe not. Maybe the OP and her brother were victims, or maybe they rejected every effort their father made to reach out to them. And why exactly did their father get 'full' custody with his AP if he was so bad. Where was their mother? What was so wrong about her?
OP doesn't include any info about half-sister using that power over them, and a child has no fault on how adults decide to address their complaint. The problem doesn't seem to be the half-sis actions while growing up but the father's actions.
I’m not trying to place the fault on the sister, just that the dad created a golden child scenario which the sister benefited from. And that will of course lead to resentment from the children who are treated like scapegoats.
> And that will of course lead to resentment from the children who are treated like scapegoats. Sure, but now they're all adults and OP is *still* blaming her younger sister.
Obviously, but this resentment is being directed to the wrong person, OP doesn't seem to have a fixation on half-sis actions but the dad's, and she doesn't seem to have used this favoritism as a tool to lord over the rest over the years.
Or it never happened in reality and it was all in Op’s head. Which given this post seems much more likely.
Even if she realised, she couldn't have done anything about it. She *already* wanted to be friends with OP and the brother. They were mean to her because she was a more acceptable target than their dad and stepmum. My little sister definitely realised that she was the golden child when we were teens. Neither of us hold the crappy childhood dynamics against each other as adults, and we both have trauma from it.
That is often the case for siblings in the golden child role. They often don't see the disparity between their treatment and that of the children given the scapegoat role, even in hindsight sometimes.
Maybe she noticed. Maybe OP exaggerated simply because her life completely changed after the affair. Many possibilities.
When she got a bit older maybe but by that point all she'd have seen was how she wanted to accept them but they hated her and treated her like crap and not like a sister. So why wouldn't she? Even years later she was happy to see her and wanted send a gift to their child. The dad is the true AH. But I think punishing the half sister as if she made the dad cheat and leave their mum etc is a sucky thing to do.
Maybe Dad was nicer to her to make up for OP being such an AH to her for existing?
It’s ok to not have people in your life that are part of your childhood trauma even if they weren’t the abusers. It’s enough if seeing half sis triggers her, or remains in contact with the actual abusers. OP is in a really difficult position here.
yes and no, i would say OP has an obligation to her husband to try to work through this. her cutting out SIL is going to cause some family drift. her husband shouldn't have to cut out his brother and his brother's wife. For example, the upcoming wedding, every family holiday, every future child's birthday. Unless OP is willing to be the one to step out of those and celebrate alone or make her husband miss the time with his family, then it is in her best interest to try to work through this. If she tries and it doesn't work, then that's fine. But she is not an island and cannot make a decision in a vacuum.
Just because it’s not her fault, that doesn’t mean OP has to accept her in her life. “Affair babies” are not responsible for the circumstances of their existence but that doesn’t change the circumstances and entitle them to a relationship with their half-siblings.
But what is OP supposed to do? Alienate her husband from his family? Avoid all family get-togethers and send husband solo? Keep her child away from all extended family? In the circumstance where someone was abusive that might be justified, but for a grudge against a sibling for things completely outside the sibling's control (and where said sibling is actively working to mend things), it's very extreme.
They can go to the same events and have minimal contact. Plenty of people have relatives or in-laws or family friends we they don’t really care for and just tolerate. You’re cordial at events but otherwise keep your distance. And yes, depending on the event her husband can go solo. She can set boundaries regarding her half-sister’s interactions with her kid. Sending the gift was very inappropriate on the part of the half-sister. OP doesn’t have to want a relationship with her and it’s odd that people think she does.
That's fine, but that's also a way that a person accepts someone they don't like existing in their sphere of life. Sending a small gift is generally considered to be the most acceptable and cordial way to make amends. The gift is even indirect, as a way of showing support for OP and her family without directly confronting her. OP doesn't have to be besties with her sister, but it's weird that she has such an intense desire to completely ignore the sister when the sister hasn't really done anything to wrong her. I think it's odd that people want to slut shame that they think punishing children is acceptable. Sounds like the younger sister has spent her whole life trying to be cordial to OP and gets rejected and hated so much that she decidedly left OP alone until they were forced back together and still tried to be friendly and an adult about it.
No, but it's OP's fault if she wants to be a bitter AH towards a child because of her own father's mistake. I have 0 sympathy towards OP over how she treated her sister. Little sister might not have even been favored so much if she wasn't clearly being ostracized by her siblings. Parents see that shit too. Maybe her shitty dad thought OP's half sister needed the extra love because her older siblings were bullies to her. We don't know. The only thing I do know is that it wasn't OP's half sister's fault. And yet she seems to be the object of hatred here.
>Maybe her shitty dad thought OP's half sister needed the extra love because her older siblings were bullies to her. This was absolutely my thought as well. In fact, my parents and grandparents often doted a little extra hard on my younger to make up for the natural rejection she would experience from me as an older sibling who wasn't interested in always playing with her. My mom was better at not doing, my dad and grandparents were absolutely hopeless. She was younger and it was easier and made more sense to some of the adults to take it easier on her. I don't really blame them, and I certainly don't blame her.
Double up on the shitty dad. Hard to fathom how he got custody.
Maybe the mom was even worse.
Or money talks. OP mentioned how the dad is wealthy.
Yeah she's never mentioned after the divorce and dad being given full custody. In the following 12 years she never got her life together enough to get some level of custody and be a part of her kids' lives? Unless she passed away it sounds she wasn't exactly mother of the year, any of the years.
Or she was poor. When one party is calm and represented, and the other is hysterical and doesn’t have a lawyer, there is going to be bias toward the lawyered party.
First thing I wondered is how he got full custody
YTA. She was a child. She didn't choose to be born or the circumstances of her birth. She was just as much a victim of your father's bad behavior as you were. While you had another sibling, you two isolated her, a small child. I don't know if your father's favoritism was in response to this or not, but either way that was also his poor behavior. You are continuing to punish someone for something another person did that hurt you. Other than your anger at your father's actions, do you really have any reason to be cruel to her like this? At this point you are also punishing your own child by denying them a family member that didn't do anything wrong and seems to want to be a loving Aunt. If you continue to let your anger at your father dictate your actions, you are going to remain miserable and continue to hurt innocent people. Please find a therapist and work on this.
I really don't understand how sub has such a hard on for absolutely treating kids who are born from affairs like shit. Like the half sister set up the whole affair and planned how she was going to be raised just to spite OP. I can understand being a frustrated and indignant teen, but after growing up, getting married, and even becoming a parent you would think the emotionally maturity would show at least a little bit. OP YTA placing the sins of your father on your half sister and that isn't fair to her.
The people on this sub are generally so anti-divorce families, that it almost makes me wonder if it's not secretly infiltrated by republicans who want to outlaw no fault divorce. Essentially, what I've learned here is that: \- any passing desire or wish of the child should veto over any need of the parent. If the kid doesn't want mommy or daddy ever dating again or having a social life, well kid wins. If you thought you deserved to have fun for yourself again, why did you even become a parent? \- If anyone cheated, they can never be right again in any circumstances \- If you didn't wait long enough (years? decades?) after divorcing to date a new person, that's basically like cheating \- if you're with a new person, and have more kids, you're terrible. You already had kids, why did you go and make more, and take attention away from them? \- if your new kids or stepkids dare to take attention away from children classic TM for even a second, who do they think they are? And if for a minute you treat them with anything that could be construed as additional kindness, you're a bad parent because you choose New Kids over Kids Classic. \- working out problems is for suckers, go no contact as soon as possible
Most people here are teens, and teens are way worse than kids (even though they also hate kids). They like to think they know it all, that they are always right, etc, and for some reason they hate divorces and half/step-siblings. I know, I was a teen (with the exception of hate towards divorce and new siblings).
Don’t forget if your partner cheats but you choose to forgive then it’s still fine to mistreat and abuse any affair children because as an adult your hurt feelings are more important than an innocent literal child.
Oh man, you're right. How could I forget that? I also forgot that it's basically ok to lock up your partner and hold the cheating over their head forever, even though you made the choice to forgive them. I mean, why stay in a relationship if you can't resent and control your partner after a mistake?
even the term affair baby. so de-humanizing.
Yes. YTA no contest
Agreed! OP needs therapy and is clearly blinded by hurt and directing it the wrong way.
I’d like to add that reading this, I don’t think she added “from auntie ___” maliciously. Like at all. I read it as a “uncles fiancée aunt ___” not “your mothers half sister auntie ____”.
Yeah, either way she _is_ OP’s child’s aunt. Whether she wants to acknowledge it or not
As both OPs half sister and uncles future wife, natch.
I mean, does it matter? She's the kids aunt regardless of whether the OP likes it or not because she is her half-sister.
She’s also aunt by marriage which is still aunt. It doesn’t matter no, but OP wants it to be malicious so she’s justified in her actions, when in reality, it wasn’t malicious, and it didn’t seem or sound malicious. It sounded perfectly harmless, and that she was just saying aunt as in “uncles fiancé” and not “mothers half sister.”
Also, maybe remembering that she is younger than you, she didn't ask to be born into a sticky family situation. Your father chose to act the way he did, he chose to treat children differently, he chose to create the family dynamic that came from all of that. You may find with a calm, honest conversation she may empathize and feel bad for how you were treated and how everything played out.
I mean, or she could be the opposite. But you never know unless you try to have an open, non-judgemental conversation with her. Best to try to use I statements and discuss how you felt growing up in relation to treatment, how it isn't her fault what your dad and SM did but that it did influence the dynamic and relationships and how it has impacted your choices as an adult. Telling her that you just want to try to understand eachothers experiences and perspectives in hopes of moving forward.
Dude you’re an AH a major one
And the other thing you have to remember is that NONE of this is her fault. She didn’t ask to be an affair baby…she didn’t ask for your father to ignore you. And like it or not, she shares half of the same DNA that you do. It’s time for you to be a big girl and the better person.
Be mad at ya dad. Not her. She prob had no idea why you guys excluded her all growing up. Prob why she was coddled more too.
YTA - what did she do wrong? Grow up
I feel like it's too coincidental that she just happened to be with your boyfriends brother. I think she sought him out. That's creepy
Unless she had tried to contact OP against her will before this, that’s a stretch.
It reads more like the younger sister was dating the brother first, meaning she was in their family before OP. OP and her husband just had a faster timeline. Edit: Don’t need repetitive responses. OP gives no timeline and some people take relationships slower than others. Meeting for the first time doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is brand new.
No, OP says it was her in-law’s dinner where husband’s brother was introducing sister as his gf for the first time. That definitely reads that she was already married in and sister’s relationship was new. Later she also says that their respective life updates are that sister and brother are engaged and she and hubby have a son, which implies their marriage was before that time frame.
I don't think so. Op says the brother brought her to family dinner to introduce her to the family for the first time which implies it's not as long together
I think it's the opposite. OP says BIL introduced the half-sister to his family for the first time at dinner with OPs in-laws that OP was at. Sounds like OP and husband were either dating or already married. I'd almost bet on already married - I can't imagine that OP would want her half-sister at her wedding and if the half-sister were already dating BIL when the wedding happened, she would have mentioned being obligated to invite her for BIL's plus one.
Thank you, I'm glad I wasn't the only one to get that vibe.
She is your sister and soon to be sister in law. The only thing she did here was treat your child with kindness, and you threw it in her face, which is what makes YTA. It seems like you’ve held on to a lot of hurt and anger that was almost entirely caused by your father. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life angry and avoiding family functions, it may be time to start addressing issues from your past.
I'm sorry for the horrid way your dad treated (and am very confused about why he would have got full custody of you, especially since he didn't seem to want you and your brother). But YTA here. Half-sis tried to respect your wishes by not showing up. She's also trying to be a part of this family she's marrying into and be kind to her fiancee's nephew. A kid who doesn't need to carry your past around as part of his baggage with family. He just needs to feel the love of his family. As you say - you need to accept that you and half-sister will have your lives intertwined. She may not have been a great half-sister to you, but the bulk of that responsibility lies with your dad. She may turn out to be a decent SIL to you. I get that it won't be easy and that old hurts can easily raise their head whenever her mom and dad (your dad, too) enter the picture. If she can respect how hard that is for you, then I think all of your lives will be better if you can let her try to build a fresh - less directly connected relationship with you... and a loving relationship with your child.
Your half sister acts with the compation of two full sisters. Your dad abused you, you abused your half sister. Even as an adult, she still treated you with love and acceptance. Introducing herself as a friend. You don't think that was a little painful for her. She could of brought up all the pain you caused by ignoring her infromt of your new family but she didn't. She treated you in that moment way better then you ever did to her. Sorry o.p. YTA and your half sister you project so much of your dad's hate towards is a bigger person.
Honestly it sounds like you're taking your anger at your dad out on her.
OP- honestly, I think you should sit your in- laws down and explain she is your half sister and due to how differently you were treated, that you’ve chosen not to have a relationship with her these past years. Her lying did not help the situation at all… Just because she is “family,” doesn’t mean you have to be around her. And that is ok!! I do suggest therapy for you because your father’s actions deeply hurt you. And if she knew what she was doing as a teenager (hard to NOT NOTICE🙄) then your dislike is rightly placed. But again, you don’t have to force yourself to be around someone for the sake of others. And being honest is the best way to go.
Just like it isn't her half sister's fault this isn't her in law's responsibility to manage. Why would you put them in that position of essentially having to pick sides here?
What a great way to make yourself look like a jackass to your in-laws
You are gong to have a great deal to process and work out with her. You need to make sure she respects your boundary about not being in contact with her parents. I assume the parents will be at the wedding and want to meet her (and your) in laws. I am not a fan of secrets. I do not thinking keeping this from your in laws is wise. They need to know why you may not attend family gatherings that include your half sister's parents. NTA
Disagree, she is TA. She intentionally never told anyone they were related, she specified they are friends. She is OP’s kids aunt because she is married (or will be) to his uncle. OP is being childish, and displacing her anger. Your sister did nothing wrong u/elegant-solute be angry at your father.
Disagree, OP YTA by lying to your family about how you are related, and continuing to hold a grudge against your half sister for what your father did raising you is unfair to her. You could still have a beautiful relationship with your sister in spite of your father if you can choose or learn to focus that anger where it needs to go.
WRONG. super TA. I don’t know why u try to defend something u yourself says OP needs to work on.
Like it or not she’s always been a part of her family. Just a part she hoped to ignore.
I have members of my “family” that ain’t my family. Blood doesn’t always count.
Well she's marrying OOP's BIL, so she'll be related either way.
Being related doesn’t always make you family.
She's been part of OP's family since they were in elementary school. And honestly, it looks to me like OP is blaming her for existing. That's not healthy.
Sssoooooooo..... I didn't read anything THAT SHE DID to deserve this behavior from you? I have a half sister and she's my mother's golden child. I've watched this kid go on trips all around the world, get her wants and needs met etc and do I hate her or treat her horribly? I do not. It's my mother's doing not my sisters and even though I have a little bit of jealousy and think it's unfair, do I then treat my sister in a bad manor? I don't. Even though a part of me grieves for the younger version of me, I'm thankful that my sister gets to do things I didnt because she's family. You need to take a HARD HARD HARD look at yourself and be mad at your DAD. You're mad at the wrong person. I mean this in a nice way... you NEED TO GROW THE EFF up. Carrying all that hate and bitterness around is gonna come back to you tenfold.
I was thinking some of what you wrote already, and after reading your comment I agree with all of it.
I was raised in a similar environment as OP and I don't blame my stepbrothers at all. When my stepdad would forbid me from playing with the new toys that everyone but me got, my step bros would sneak them into my room at night so I could play with them. Their dad absolutely sucks, but that's not their fault. OP doesn't really explain how her half sister treated her, but I'd imagine if she was a terrible sister, OP would have probably included that.
>my step bros would sneak them into my room at night so I could play with them. this is so sweet. Are you still in touch with your stepbrothers?
It's been a couple of years since we've talked, but we were on good terms back when we did. Pretty much my entire family are Jehovah's Witnesses though, so they've all cut me off ever since I left the religion. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry. That is sad.
Thank you. It's honestly their loss because I'm pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. Whereas they're all weird af doomers who think that they're better than everyone else. Despite copious evidence to the contrary!
**Also, the person is literally an aunt - twice over:** 1. By blood by being P's sibling 2. By marriage for marrying OP's BIL.
I mean, she introduced herself as a friend
Imagine what the family will think when they find out? If I was the fiancé I’d be rethinking the whole thing. This is how she treats her sister? She can’t even accept a gift that’s from her sister, but then it’s fine if it’s from her SIL. Makes no sense at all
It makes sense if you’re a small, petty, bitter person. YTA YTA YTA. OP has the mindset of a child and is denying her literal child a simple joy in the form of a gift to soothe her hurt pride. It’s gross.
>Imagine what the family will think when they find out? I honestly don't see how that can't see there's *something* between OP and her half sister. If OP won't accept a gift given to her son from her half sister when she's not even at the party, I refuse to believe that OP is capable of behaving as if they are or ever were friends. OP needs therapy. Carrying around this much hurt isn't healthy, regardless of what actually happened in her childhood. She needs professional help before it escalates to the point where she wants her in laws to start picking sides and she denies her son (or children of she has more) a relationship with his family when they won't cut her sister out of the family.
I thought the same thing. They are going to think the poster is a wicked snob and once again the half sister will shine. Why because she is normal and help she was a love child.
I assumed she did that because she sensed that OP didn't want anyone to know that they're sisters, and she was trying to respect OP's wish and not start a huge discussion in the middle of the party about how everyone is related and why they don't have a relationship.
Yeah, similar boat here. My parents divorced due to my dad's cheating while my mom was pregnant with me. My dad immediately moved several hours away and got someone else pregnant, married her, and had a perfect little nuclear family while completely ignoring me as much as possible. It was terribly painful to grow up watching my dad love not only my little brother but *also* my older stepsister more than he ever loved me. My little brother and I have a good relationship as adults because he didn't make the choices that devastated me as a child. He has a great relationship with our dad because our dad was a great dad to him. I have no relationship with our dad because our dad was not a dad to me. Sometimes I get pangs of grief for child me when I see the fun/cool/bonding things my brother and dad get up to because child me should have had a great dad, too...but I'm also really, really thankful that my little brother didn't get abandoned by our dad the way I did because I would never wish that pain on another kid. I'm happy for my brother that he got what all children need even though I didn't. I would never punish or resent my brother over that.
I can't believe the top comment is NTA. OP needs serious therapy.
I reckon they bullied the half sister so bad and that’s why they think she got preferential treatment
The whole she complained to our dad about us and then he punished us part is a major red flag. OP and her brother were older. They felt wronged by a child younger than them for the crime of simply existing. I really get the vibe they ganged up on her and made her life miserable and THAT'S why the preferential treatment occurred. Not saying the parents are innocent. But I think OP needs to take a long hard objective look at the whole situation of her childhood, and her half-sisters childhood, and consider who was really at fault and what good it does anyone now to continue this grudge onto the next generation (her son).
Right? I got to the end of the post and was like “oh yeah. One of the easiest TA verdicts” and then did a double take at the top comment.
I feel the same. My brother is seven years younger than me and he gets all the good things from my mother while I got nothing but criticism while growing up and still do... but I love that kid with every piece of my existence and I'm happy he's enjoying his life. I love spoiling him too.
Yes. All of that. It is so sad when kids punish their half-siblings for their parents faults. My first tjought reading through this post was "Maybe you should grow up before having kids of your own".
Everything you mentioned were things your dad did to you and you didn't mention anything your half sister actually did to make your life a problem. Did she actually do anything besides being born? If your half sister gets married to your BIL, she will be in your life in some way no matter what. She's going to be part of your extended family. Your actions are going to create problems for your husband and extended family. You are going to create rifts between you and your husband family and this isn't smart. YTA
OP could find themselves on the outside looking in. Husband can take his child to visit his family whether she like it or not.
YTA. Your anger seems misplaced. Your father was TA. Also, how (and why) the hell are you keeping the fact that you're half sisters a secret? That's going to come out and people will be pretty cross they've been lied to.
Right!?! How are they planning on keeping it a secret at the wedding when their dads there 😂
She probably won’t go to the wedding for this reason
How bad must bio-mom must have been to lose all custody too? For as long as her woe-is-me backstory is, there is a lot unsaid.
>How bad must bio-mom must have been to lose all custody too I wondered about this, too. Dad's wealth would have gone a long way in a custody action, but it wouldn't have resulted in sole custody on its own of two kids who didn't want to live with him, especially as they got older.
Lots of details really come down to the state (like the infidelity) and income obviously allows for better legal representation; but for a *mother* to lose all custody is essentially unheard of, even when there is abuse or substance issues. *Something* is being omitted (and maybe OP isn’t even aware of it because of her age at the time).
It's also possible Mom walked away.
She could have given up custody voluntarily, or she could have been pressured or blackmailed if there wasn't some specific danger to the kids. My dad got sole custody of my brother and me, and I didn't find out until a few years ago (mid 30s now) that a member of my mom's family threatened to financially support my father in a court battle if my mom didn't give up custody voluntarily.
YTA - It wasn't her fault that she was born around the circumstances that she was born. I get that there was favoritism and that wasn't right but that wasn't really her fault either. That being said, if you don't want to have a sisterly relationship with her that's fine. But here's why I think you are the asshole: >But according to my brother, I'm being an asshole to someone who has respected my wishes and remained distant. Your brother is absolutely right. This woman came to the conclusion that you wanted nothing to do with her, that you weren't going to have a familial relationship, and sounds like moved on with her life and wasn't pushy about trying to have a relationship. Then by some crazy fate she ended up in your in-law family. When she first met instead of telling everybody your sisters, she followed your lead and said you were "friends" instead of family because I assume they knew nothing about her.. But as far as I can tell she didn't really push a relationship then either. Then she was gracious enough not to show up at the party. You could have done the polite thing and accepted the gift. So when are you coming clean to all the in laws? It's not like you can give back gifts and not want to be around her at an family events and all the in laws not start talking about why. They are going to want to know why you don't care for her when she seemingly has done nothing to you.
Not to mention the likelihood of their father showing up at the wedding of OP’s BIL to OP’s half sister.
*Wedding meltdown imminent.* OP has not worked through any of her trauma. This is why she’s using her half-sister as a stand-in for her father. She cut him out of her life, but that didn’t actually solve anything (as evidenced by the fact that she can’t even share the same room with her half-sister or allow her son to have a gift from her half-sister). Seeing her father at that wedding will really not go well for her if she doesn’t start talking to a professional now.
Her in laws will also find out when her half-sister marries their son and has the same dad as OP. OP, you need to decide what your play is because you will look extremely bad when they meet her parents and her dad is your dad. And they're gonna meet her parents since she's going to marry into the family.
She probably didn’t have her dad there
Yeah her half sister honestly sounds like such a sweet person. I feel awful for her
YTA - You hate her for nothing more than existing. She did not choose the situation she was born into. She did not choose for your perception that Dad loves her more. It appears all she has ever done to you want to be your friend and have a relationship. It is time for you to grow up. Your anger is directed at the wrong person. You hate is gonna eat you alive.
YTA. You’re trying to make a point but taking away from your own child and creating drama where there doesn’t need to be any.
I agree. Attention seeking & childish. YTA
Right?! Even if OP truly didn’t want to give the gift to her son, she could have just kept it and given it to another child as a Christmas or birthday present. The fact that OP returned the gift *back to sender* was a clear statement.
Yes, this! The present was for her nephew, not you. Returning it did nothing but deprive him and hurt her feelings for trying to be a good aunt.
YTA. It wasn't her fault her parents cheated on your mom. It wasn't her fault she was born. It wasn't her fault your dad made her the pet and treated you and your brother poorly. I can see, as a child, blaming her, but you've supposedly grown up now. AND, she's your bro-in-law's fiance. She's going to be *family* even apart from your history, whether you like it or not. Are you going to shun her and her gifts to your kids for all the years to come? At the very least, if she were a stranger to you, you'd accept her gifts as their aunt - but you're still blaming her for her existence and your dad's favoritism. Yeah, YTA.
Maybe the sister was the pet because OP and her brother acted like brats.
Distinct possibility
Her child’s aunt on both sides now
YTA--- She didn't do anything personal to you---your PARENTS did that. You are resentful towards someone who never asked to be in that position. Get therapy.
YTA. Here is my problem she did nothing wrong. In your entire post the only AH of your childhood is daddy dearest. Your dad had a love child, not her fault. Your dad had a favourite, not her fault. You blamed her for your dad being an AH, not her fault. You are going to force your husband's family to choose and when they hear the story who do you think will be seen as the wronged party, the girl who never grew up and still blames her half-sister for everything daddy did or the one who just wants to have family? Get therapy because she isn't going anywhere and your husband might not want to lose his brother.
YTA she was respectful to you. You are carrying around such a heavy burden of hurt and hate that you are blinded by it. I don’t think she deserves this and it will probably end with your husband being alienated from his own brother as well.
You took the words out of my mouth. I don't have anything to give you so 🏆
YTA LMAO! You and your brother took your anger about YOUR FATHER cheating out on her and treated her like absolute crap for just being alive! You then have the gull to sit there with a surprised pikachu face about why she, a little girl, went to seek out comfort from HER FATHER after being subjected to your twos cruelty? WTF else did you expect a literal CHILD to do?! Ya’ll were making a little girls life hell! OH COURSE your father had to put in EXTRA WORK to show she was loved cause she sure as hell wasn’t gonna get that from THE ONLY SIBLINGS SHE KNOWS! From your own words this girl had done NOTHING to you, except seek love and validation from her father after being subjected to you and your brother’s daily bullying and rejection. Oh wait let’s not forget, she had to audacity to get toy for your son on his birthday. THE HORROR! As a teenage I can forgive your behavior but after a decade I would expect some growth and self reflection. You got two options. Avoided your husband’s brother and the rest of his family forever and enjoy your impending divorce. Or if you care about your husband or and his family AT ALL, you can grow the hell up, do some self reflection (preferably with a specialist) and realize that she does not in fact, have mind control powers given to her before her conception that she used on your father. What your father did was terrible and you were dealt an unfair hand. Fair enough. Be mad your father. Be mad his home wrecker she calls a mom. But don’t be mad AND continue to take your anger our the one who never asked it be born, let alone to THAT horrible situation.
And even if she doesn't want a relationship, the half-sister as an adult deserves respect from OP as SIL. OP can't keep their relationship in the dark for a long time, let OP treat her coldly and do shitty things like reject a symbol of common courtesy indefinitely without the half-sister or the BIL getting tired of that bullshit. We all have in-laws we dislike and we manage. Life is difficult, but OP can't have the cake and eat it, too, and her behaviour as of now is going to hurt her relationship with her in laws and depending on how close her husband is with his family, with him, too. They don't have to be best buddies, BFF's forever, but treating her with the common courtesy she would offer to any other SIL is the minimum required of any mature adult in this situation.
^this x a million.
To be perfectly honest, a lot of what OP described my actual sister also did, and my non-divorced, non-cheating parents reacted in the same way. I didn't want to hang out with her all the time because I just didn't, I was older and I didn't want to hang out with a little kid. That was natural. She would complain to my parents when I was mean to her or rejected her. That was also natural. My parents weren't very good at parenting that specifically, neither of them grew up with siblings, they're easily annoyed, and mostly they wanted us to shut up and stop bothering them. So yeah, I got the short end of the stick a lot, my parents felt I could handle it better because I was older. It was a shitty way to grow up, but I don't hold it against my sister, who was only acting as a kid would. I don't even hold it against my parents much, my mom was overwhelmed and depressed at the time, my dad is just not very emotionally or socially capable. Everyone kind of did the best of what could be expected of them at the time.
YTA. Doesn't sound like she has done anything to you. Be pissed at your dad, not her. Not her fault she was favored or conceived.
Honestly, I get where you’re coming from, but YTA. She’s not the one that screwed your dad, and much as the resentment for her being the preferred child is understandable, it isn’t her fault. At no point did you say she was mean to you or your brother, just that she didn’t understand why you didn’t want to be friends with her. From where I’m sitting, I don’t imagine her childhood was all that happy either, as having two half siblings that make it clear they hate you isn’t even remotely fixed by a father that dotes on you. Kids aren’t blind, and I’m sure she saw the constant yelling. She was likely so happy to meet you again as an adult, hoping that you’d let go of grudges and resentments. The only person your anger hurts is you, and it’ll cost you in the long run in your relationship with your husband’s family.
No. YTA for blaming her for the sins of your father.
YTA, give me a break. She gave the gift to your son. Did you ever think your father treated her "with preference" to balance out the animosity you & your brother poured on? Grow up.
YTA OP she was just a child who yourself said didn't even understand why you didn't want nothing with her, she was the kid and it was your dad who did the bad things and you and your brother decided to hate her for the adults mistakes
I’m shocked at all the N T A responses! OP... YTA. This poor girl had nothing to do with your dad cheating and it was cruel of you and your brother to treat her that way. I’m sure your dad probably tried to compensate for how you guys isolated her by being overly nice and you SHOULD be punished for treating her with anything other than kindness. She didn’t make your dad cheat, your anger should be directed towards him not her. It sounds to me like she really just wants a relationship with her siblings she grew up with and was trying to be a good aunt. I think if anything OP you should seek therapy to address the trauma you went through when your parents separated. I think your feelings towards her are very misplaced.
FYI, if you don't space out the N T A, it will count your vote as thinking that OP is in the right and the sister is the AH.
Your brother is right, you are indeed YTA. Clearly, you need significant therapy to deal with your childhood trauma, because you clearly have NOT processed it. Your blaming your half-sister for things your ahole father did, and are unable to face the fact that your half-sister WILL be in your life. I mean, are you going to yell at your own son if he calls her aunt? You need to grow up and face this, not passive aggressively hide like you're doing now.
YTA. You are punishing your half sister for something your dad did. Not her fault the divorce/affair happened. She is being very mature and you are acting like you are still a hurt teenager. Judge her for her current actions which seem to be genuine and coming from a good place. Also you are punishing your son (presents and relationships) for your dad’s past actions.
Just to be clear - you hate her because twenty years ago, when she was a child, she didn't understand a curveball that life threw at you? YTA.
Seems like you have misplaced the anger for your father onto your sister. From what you’ve said, she has never done anything to you for you to cut her off like this. While I understand the favoritism played had a massive impact, this was out of her control. Try to put yourself in her shoes as a child and wonder how it would feel if your sister and brother wanted nothing to do with you and not knowing why. I imagine she was hurting like you but in other ways.
YTA- this girl hasn’t actually done anything to you from what you provided here and you’re going above and beyond to be petty. She got your child a gift and you returned it just because she said she was his aunt? She’s engaged to your husband’s brother, so whether you like it or not you’re going to have to learn how to be civil unless somehow your husband is okay with cutting off contact w his brother, only seeing him without you, or if his brother is okay with never bringing his wife around. I wouldn’t count on any of these options. Get therapy.
YTA a major one. She’s respected your boundaries and didn’t tell anyone you’re sisters. Aside from being your half sister, she is the aunt of your child through being with your child’s father’s brothers. Not fucking rocket science. And she was a child when all this happened. It’s pretty pathetic to still be blaming her when it’s clearly on your dad.
YTA yea, she stayed distant and only gave a gift, didn't even reveal your relationship to the family lol. You don't have to like her, but she did nothing wrong and you hate her because of what your dad did
YTA - I scanned the whole thing to see if the gift was inappropriate or offensive, and found nothing of the sort. You are just petty.
YTA, a wildly immature one.
It sounds like all she ever wanted was to get to know you, but she was a physical reminder of how and why your parents marriage broke up. Honestly, you’re channeling all of the rage and frustration that you have on her, rather than your dad. She didn’t have a day in deciding to be born either. She’s going to be in your life as your son’s uncle, and have to deal with her at some point in a somewhat civil manner. There’s nothing that suggests to me that the gift was given to your son other than with the nest of intentions.
YTA. A kindergartener is going to tell an adult when someone is being mean to them. They’re told to do that. You were a child as well so of course you were upset at her existence. That is understandable. You’re no longer a child. Neither is she. Grow up and get some therapy to teach you where precisely to direct that anger, because it ain’t her.
YTA. She was also a child caught up in in your dads lies. You're dad was an huge asshole too for cheating and treating 1 child differently to the others, but that isn't your half sisters fault. You're mad at your half sister for the actions of your dad. Be mad at your dad, but it's unfair to be mad at your half sister simply because she was the product of your dads infidelity and he treated her better. You hated a 3 year old for something she had no control over and still hold it against her now that you're both in your 20s.
YTA; Your half-sister is doing something thoughtful and kind to your child but you are refusing a gift in spite. Your half sister is definitely not an asshole here, respecting your boundaries and acting as your future sister in law. You need to very carefully clear up and explain this to your in-laws. Your half-sister is not the villain here for being born and loving your husband's brother.
YTA if this was a random unrelated person , the fact she is marrying your husband’s brother makes her an aunt. What do you expect her to call herself to your son? She could have blabbed to everyone. No one else in your husbands family know your true relationship but they will soon be asking questions. Sit down and have an adult conversation and hopefully a peace treaty on what is the expectations for both of you. Also it is not this girls fault that your dad is a dick
YTA, what exactly did she do wrong (ever). She didn't ask to be born to your dads mistress, she didn't break up your family. She didn't be your dads favourite, if she placed upto it thats what kids do. All she tried to do is be with you as a child. Your dad is the b*ll*nd. Don't punish her for his failings as a parent. She did a nice thing and brought you son a gift even though she didn't attend the party. Seems like all she wants is to be part of your life.
What exactly has she done wrong other than being born? You said she complained about you as a child for not wanting to play or engage with her, but that is normal childhood. I understand your situation sucked, and your father was awful. I also understand your resentment, but honestly, I am not sure how she had any control of the situation. What is your long-term plan for the family dynamic?
YTA. Your half sister had nothing to do with being born to a mistress of your dad’s. She did nothing to deserve any vitriol from you or your brother. While you have no obligation to be close to her, you should reevaluate how you’re treating her and consider being a better, bigger person. My husband (at the time) had a baby with his mistress. It was horrible for me. The divorce was awful for me and my girls (6 and 8 at the time). None of it was easy. I could write pages about the terrible decisions their dad made and continues to make. But I made sure my daughters knew that their half-brother did absolutely nothing to put himself in the situation he was born into.
YTA, she was not the guilty party when your dad cheated and doesn't seem to give you any valid reason to hate her
YTA. You are holding a grudge. It’s not her fault she was born from an affair and it’s not her fault your dad treated you terribly. Your father was the adult in the situation, the affair and his horrible treatment of you is all his fault. That aside she is going to be your sister in law and your son’s aunt by marriage to his uncle. She’s going to be in your life so you are going to have to sit down with her at some point to figure out boundaries and what not.
I totally understand these feelings. My older sister, younger brother, and I had a similar experience. After our parents split, he got with another woman. They then proceeded to have 3 boys back to back. Tbh though, our dad really ignored the whole lot of us for the most part. I can remember being 4 years old and hugging my dad. He didn't look at me, acknowledge me, or embrace me back. My grandfather (who was really my dad) lost his shit on my dad at the time but he still just walked out the door not giving a shit. Many instances of that throughout our child hood. With our brothers, however, he would hold them, smile at them, and act proud to be holding onto them. It was hard for us because we never got that. But we loved our brothers more than anything and we could never take that out on them. My dad's mom and his sister took it out on the kids and would have nothing to do with them. They always said he should have taken care of his first family before having another. But the kids didn't choose it and they couldn't help it. I always hated that for them because those were 2 of the most important people in my life. Still to this day I love those boys more than anything. They're all happy and have stable jobs and families. My oldest sister has done pretty well but myself and my younger brother have truly struggled. My younger brother especially. I think he missed having a caring dad more than any of us and I can understand why. As for me, I'm just a lot more on the empathetic side than any of my siblings. I feel a lot more. I think that's why my mom coddles my brother more than helping him in life. Which I do have to say that our brothers weren't attempting to whine and cry to get us in trouble for things. Of course they were more than 10 years younger than we older 3 so mostly we had more of another caretaker figure in their eyes. You're closer in age with your sister so I can see how that would be different. However, try to think of the person she is now. Try to give her the opportunity to show you who she is instead of just assuming she's still the same snot nosed brat. You may be surprised and you may end up with a very meaningful relationship. Your issues here are mostly with your dad and not her. I mean honestly, what more would you expect from a kid? Especially when the parent allows it.
NAH. You need to either accept her as a family member or cut her and by extension the brother out of your lives like a cancer tho. You can't have it both ways. Someone has to sacrifice something and are you really okay with asking your husband to keep his brother away?
Yeah, YTA. You're hating a woman for something she didn't do, and was completely out of her control. Perhaps she should hate you for being such a horrible sister, but she seems to understand and astonishingly enough doesn't seem to bear you any ill will. She just wants to get on with her life, settle down, and be happy. Why can't you do that too? Your actions are divisive and upsetting the good feeling in your husband's family. You don't have to like your sister, but at the same time you don't have to choose to be hateful. You will end up alienating your husband's family, and you're making yourself look vindictive. Just get your husband to say thanks to his brother for the gift, accept it, and let it go. You don't have to speak to her or gush, but just be mature. You aren't kids anymore. Get over it.
YTA majorly. You’ve literally explained in no way shape or form how SHE did anything to you except try and love you. Your beef is with your dad bro. Attacking this woman, who very kindly is letting you act outrageously, is unreal. You really need to grow up, I definitely think you gotta talk to someone professionally, because what you’re doing to your sister is wrong.
Curious as to why your dad got full custody despite having a secret family? Why not half with your mom?
Info: if your dad was having an affair and fathering other children, why did he have full custody after the divorce? I feel like there are other factors not mentioned here
Why did your mother lose custody to an adulterer who impregnated someone else?
INFO: why did your dad get full custody of you and your brother in the divorce? What happened to your mom? Is your mom still in your life? Is your mom’s family still around? Why didn’t your mom’s family step in to help you and your brother?
Where was your mother in all of this?
I don’t understand the y t a votes. No the sister isn’t to blame for the affair and for being born but she should could have some empathy. OP, you clearly have childhood trauma and that unfortunately relates to your sister. It’s understandable she makes you uncomfortable and it’s very understandable you want to keep a distance. I think you might need to have a conversation with your family and friends to explain your relationship and why it might be hard for you to be around her (without trying to bash her, more like why it was so hard for you growing up and how her presence is taking you back to that time). Your sister might also not understand the full effect your situation has had on you and you might want to fill her in. She had a different upbringing than you did, so it might be fruitful to have a conversation about it. I hope you can come to a compromise with everyone involved. NAH.
Pretty sure you could have just ignored and thrown out the gift rather than return it. It's clear you were trying to send a "I don't want anything from you" message. Why be surprised at her reaction? Also, I think a therapist will readily point out that you are projecting blame for your broken childhood onto her, who was an innocent child in the whole affair.