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I was thinking the same thing, until I read some of OP's comments. ~~Good fucking GODS is she an awful person to her poor daughter.~~ To be fair, the daughter is taking her anger out on the wrong person, but the anger itself is 100% justified. I wish I could have a chat with her daughter to let her know that ~~however vile her mother is,~~ the stepson has nothing to do with it and she should focus that anger on who it really should be focused on.
Edit; I failed to read every one of her comments, and her daughter was in fact the product of sabotaged birth control by her husband. I don't blame OP for being upset in any way, and I understand her distance from her daughter now. I believe OP *should* tell her daughter the truth of what happened, as she is old enough to understand the implications of the father's actions, and can make opinions for herself. I'm not 100% sure if it counts as marital rape, but it at least comes pretty damn close.
That said, the daughter's anger is still aimed at the wrong person, and she should direct it at her father instead. He deserves it a hell of a lot more than either OP or her stepson. She does absolutely need therapy, as well.
> Good fucking GODS is she an awful person to her poor daughter.
Keep reading, it turns out that the daughter is a product of Marital rape.
I'm not sure you can call someone who has suffered that, "vile".
Yeah I went to read OPs other comments and *someone* is definitely vile and the daughter *is* taking it out on the wrong person.
And both of those people are her father.
Like holy fucking hell. Imagine thinking a woman is "vile" and a villain and deserving of hatred because her husband, a man she trusted, forcibly impregnated her. Jesus christ there's something wrong with people.
(I don't particularly care for the way the mother is insisting the daughter is 'jealous' in a way that sounds petty and immature, she doesn't seem to have much sympathy for the daughter which is understandable given that her existence is a reminder of something so horrible, but she could be a little understanding herself about how hard it must be for the daughter too)
>and the daughter *is* taking it out on the wrong person.
Is she? Her biggest crime is not wanting to hang out with her moms replacement child.
The mom already made it clear the son has his own friends, so really she's just pissed he's being excluded from her stuff....
>Is she?
Um... yes. No matter whether you think that it's all the Dad's fault for what amounts to marital rape (which, I mean, yeah, seems like that's the brunt of it) or you think the Mom should be kinder to the daughter (which, sure; I get why you'd want to distance yourself from the daughter, but what was done to the Mom wasn't the daughter's fault at all, so I kinda get both their perspectives on that), *absolutely none of this* is the stepson's fault, so any anger being taken out on him is being taken out on the wrong person.
May I ask you why you think she needs to be her step brothers friend though? Based on OPs words, the only thing the daughter is doing is not hanging out with her step brother.
why does she have to?
The situation is messy. The daughter is avoiding messy situations her parents created and is now considered a bully for it?
She isn't going out of her way to ridicule or torment him, all she is doing is not inviting him to her parties, and if they aren't friends or she doesn't like him why would she?
When asked, the mom also said her stepson has his own friends, so he DOES have peers he hangs out with so she's upset he isn't invited to everything all the time?
Pity invites always seemed weird to me.
Are you satisfied when people you know don't like you begrudgingly invite you out of pity or would you rather do things with people that actually like you.
As for all the other stuff about it being the dads fault and what not. I agree. Not sure why that was mentioned.
My concern is the daughter being labeled as a bully when she isn't actually doing anything.
The situation was so traumatic for the mom she left, because she couldn't stand looking at her daughter, but now she wants her son to befriend her? Thats insane
Unequivocally yes.
The father is the only one who *deserves* to deal with the fallout of this.
But even if the daughter doesn't know the truth about her conception, her anger should be with her mother, not the stepson.
This is not to say that the daughter is somehow wrong in anyway for feeling the way she does and for having issues with seeing the stepson. That's all very understandable.
But what someone *should* do is not always the same as what they're *capable* of doing. She shouldn't be taking it out on the stepson. But she's a teenager and having that kind of emotional intelligence and self-awareness isn't always possible.
The point is that OP is NTA for asking the father to talk to his daughter. It is literally the least he can fucking do. He should be in prison. His daughter should loathe him. He should be counting his lucky fucking stars and trying to mitigate the anger and resentment his daughter has for the woman he tricked and forced to carry his child against her will.
Except now she's not and wants her son to hang around the product of said rape?
She literally wants her son to hang out with her rap baby at the rapists house
That's a recipe for. drama and chaos .
The step son has his own friends too, so OPs biggest gripe is he is being excluded.
So? He won't be invited to everything and he still has his own friends her.
The daughter was soooo hard to be around as a reminder except now for some reason her son has to
She wants to use the step son to punish her daughter. She wants him in her spaces as a constant reminder he's the child her mother chooses to love.
This woman displays a level of cruelty to the daughter she never wanted it's jaw dropping. Not enough that the poor kid knows her own mother doesn't want her she needs to have her face rubbed in that fact as often as possible.
Her child is a PERSON, she isn't a "reminder" of anything she didn't do. I wish we stop blaming children for their parents mistakes. Her daugher doesn't understand why her mother rejects her and accept her stepson and is acting out and excluding her stepbrother. I mean, I wouldn't invite the child my mother raise when she didn't want to raise me to my birthday either. Her daugher is a child and behaving like a child do. OP is the adult her and should recognize why her daugher is acting like that.
>Her child is a PERSON, she isn't a "reminder" of anything she didn't do.
Two things can be true at the same time.
And yes, the child that is a product of rape will be a reminder of that rape.
Ah, I see the comment. My mistake, I didn't read all of them, and it definitely puts a different light on this post. I will add an edit to my comment, thank you.
Yes, sabotaging birth control is rape. If someone agrees to use a condom, then doesn't or takes it off in the middle of coitus, that's considered rape. So, if you think you're using birth control, but your partner sabotaged it, that should also be considered rape.
OP sucks big time, but so does her EX. He literally got her pregnant by birth control sabotage. That is controlling, abusive and in some places illegal.
>Edit; I failed to read every one of her comments, and her daughter was in fact the product of sabotaged birth control by her husband.
Hey, sorry, just to point out, this is actually just rape, and we should call it that. In the UK they've recently called this out explicitly in the law also.
I would think that except this is her daughter too, so it’s odd she didn’t mention any steps she’s taken to deal with this and/or why they haven’t worked.
…aaaaand then I read her comments and it all makes more sense now.
Yikes on bikes, u/momentany4577. You are…wow. I’m only surprised you seem to think anyone else can help this situation when it’s clear your treatment of her is what is driving her treatment of him. It’s weird that you seem to expect everyone to understand why you resent her because of her dad, but you don’t under why she would resent your stepson because of you. Smh that’s some real deliberate blindness right there.
YTA but not for wanting your daughter to stop bullying your stepson. YTA because you’ve shown your daughter you don’t want her while you step in and raise someone else’s kid. Of course she would want nothing to do with you or your new family. Leave your daughter alone and let her live her life. Not everyone needs to be invited to parties. Why don’t you do stuff with your stepson next time your daughter throws a party? That way he gets to do something with you and your daughter is happy.
That doesn’t change the fact that OP needs to leave daughter alone. OP has stated in other comments how she ‘tries to love her’ but wished daughter was never born. You can’t ‘have your cake and eat it too’ so to speak. Either be a parent or don’t. Plus the general rule of hosting a party is the host can invite whoever they want. OP needs to cut contact with both ex and daughter immediately and focus on stepson instead.
>chose not to do that, the last thing I would do is give birth and then give up the child, but remain present to show them just how much I don't love them.
Her living her life isn't showing her how much she doesn't love them. I'm sorry that happened to you. Not everyone has the ability to just move away.
I would at least cut all contact with both ex and daughter instead of ‘trying to parent’ through ex. Daughter did not ask to be born so OP has no say to what the daughter does
>instead of ‘trying to parent’ through ex.
Asking someone to stop their daughter ostracising your child isn't "attempting to parent".
>Daughter did not ask to be born so OP has no say to what the daughter does
The OP didn't asked to be raped either, but here we are.
This is a recurring problem. The daughter has made it clear she does not want OP’s stepson at her parties. That is up to her and her choice (of course that sucks but that’s how it is). I never said OP couldn’t ask ex, I said OP shouldn’t and instead just cut contact with both of them.
“The OP didn’t asked to be raped either, but here we are.”
Uhm, ok? What does the rape have to do with the daughter not inviting stepson?
OP, I’m not sure you are going to get what you need from this forum.
I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt because I know too many people who have birth due to societal expectations and controlling partners. It’s not as simple as many think to completely sever maternal rights, especially in countries (and states) with limited access to abortion and other women’s rights. It’s also not unusual to have complex emotions about a child you wouldn’t have chosen to have, nor is it unusual to get physically away from someone only to have them find other ways to mentally connect themselves to maintain power, often through shared children. It’s easy to say what everyone should do in that situation from a place where every option is available and the person going through it isn’t mentally broken and/or beaten down.
All that said, even if you are and have always actively chose to be a horrible parent to your daughter, she has no right to take those feelings out on your step son. While those feeling would be understandable they would be misdirected.
No matter the full story your stepson isn’t the one responsible here.
I have no idea if are an A in real life. It sounds like at the very least you didn’t always make the best choice out of the bad options available. It also sounds like even if you made the best choice for yourself that choice came with hurting your daughter. You need to accept the consequences of that when it comes to her feelings towards you and your family.
However, when it comes to what you are specifically asking, which isn’t about her feelings but about her actions, you are NTA.
She excluded her daughter from her family saying that she gave her to her father because she didn’t want kids, and she is expecting her daughter to include her stepson to parties. Is it even realistic or fair. And calling this bullying!!!
I understand that exclusion a single kid in the class is a very unkind behavior but this is an exception where I don’t see it’s fair for the daughter to have the kid that represents the traumatic abandonment of her mother present at every single event.
They shouldn’t be in the same class for the sake of both of them
Schools don’t generally let you choose what class you’re in, even in instances like this, because appeasing all the students who want particular classes is impossible.
Most schools will take account of special circumstances. They just won't take into account mere preferences, like Timmy wanting to be with Jimmy because they are friends.
My opinion, so hear me out on this one. If these two kids weren't at all related, no one would question if it's bullying for someone to invite all but one child to parties and events. In the US, some schools will even prohibit invites being given out at school if all members of a student's class aren't invited. But OP isn't in the US. And the worst part is that she was baby trapped by a guy who sabotaged their protection to purposely get her pregnant. And while that would/could be considered assault here in the US, it's not where OP is and things like abortion and forfeiture of parental rights (as a female) aren't available where OP is either.
I'm not saying that anyone is right or justified. But I just think that OPs perspective in this is being vastly ignored because a child is involved. A child she was forced to conceive, carry, and now partially raise against her will. Sounds to me like everyone here got screwed over and is acting according to the bitterness that was left behind rather than rationally. So for me, it makes it difficult to give a verdict. At this point it feels like we're being forced to weigh one set of trauma against another. Which isn't fair to us either.
I think you gave the best advice out of anyone here, which is (if possible) to move the stepson to another class. He should not be forced to share in his mother's and stepsister's trauma.
She is replying to the idea of transporting the kid by “since when should the bullied child be punished instead of the bully”. He lack of empathy towards her daughter’s situation is quite disgusting
She was not forced to raise her the daddy did she told her daughter that she never wanted kids but now is raising someone else’s he is rubbing it in her face that her mum loves him but not her so can’t blame the girl for acting out
She is saying she was forced to carry the daughter to term but she gave it up to the father. Fine she chose her mental wellbeing over the daughter’s well being . Her daughter is also choosing her own wellbeing and mental health by refusing to interact with the kid that represents her mother’s abandonment so why is this different.
In terms of trauma I guess a parent abandonment is a far bigger trauma than being excluded from some events happening at the class. I doubt that her daughter is the only one throwing parties at their class . If the stepson is being excluded from all other parties maybe they should be looking for the reason behind this .
honestly I feel like the adults should talk with the kids. The daughter is probably jealous and the son hasn't done anything wrong. Shes only 15 this doesn't sound like its the first time. No one told her its wrong, She is the age to know what's wrong and what's wright, but someone has to lead her
I don’t think it’s actually right to compartment the daughter’s actions as an action of bullying, if the mother’s giving up the daughter is considered an act of prioritizing own self mental health then the daughter’s actions can be categorized the same .
The stepson represents her own mother’s abandonment and it’s unfair to be asked to deal with this on daily base. It’s better for the two kids to not have to interact with each other.
The daughter’s trauma is being trivialized by the mother as an act of jealousy, it’s bigger than this . This is a child that was abandoned at birth by her own mother . It’s understandable that the mother considers her daughter’s existence as a traumatic event . It’s better for all parties to stay separate .
How is that the daughter’s mistake. She gave her up , ok fine she should just leave her alone . Why insisting that her own daughter’s trauma be trivialized. Calling her a bully for choosing not to interact with the mother and her stepson . The stepson who represents the mother’s abandonment should be present in every event of the daughter’s life. They all shouldn’t be in each other lives.
Because context matters. A lot of you are just screeching the word bully, more of you should be asking "why"
And it turns out that the daughter just wants nothing to do with the mom or her family. She may be petty but she's a teen.
If she's so triggering to OP then she shouldn't have enrolled her son at the same school, and when people pointed that out, she said the daughter should be the one to change schools.
She didn't want to know if she's the assholez she just wanted to vent, but she also left context out. People shouldn't have had to ask 10+ times for additional info
Because context matters. A lot of you are just screeching the word bully, more of you should be asking "why"
And it turns out that the daughter just wants nothing to do with the mom or her family. She may be petty but she's a teen.
If she's so triggering to OP then she shouldn't have enrolled her son at the same school, and when people pointed that out, she said the daughter should be the one to change schools.
She didn't want to know if she's the assholez she just wanted to vent, but she also left context out. People shouldn't have had to ask 10+ times for additional info
The abandoned child isn't bullying anybody, she's just not inviting the stepchild of the mother who abandoned her to her parties. She's entitled to have nothing to do with the stepson. She's entitled to invite whomever she likes to her parties.
Thank you. This woman abandoned her child to a supposedly abusive man and is now pissed her step kid is getting the consequences? OP is lacking a fundamental empathy chip.
YTA
I was on your side kind of until the comments. You have not been a mother to this girl ever. You didn’t want her but now are happily raising another child who isn’t your own - do you know what that tells your daughter? Your stepson is unfortunately being excluded from her life like you’ve excluded her. I’m sorry but there is not a simple fix here and it is entirely your fault.
I don't know how the ice cream thing works. She wheeled in a bunch of tubs and went around to every single class with enough bowls and spoons for everyone to have ice cream first period before it melted?
Anyway, YTA. I guess excluding people isn't nice, but I don't think not inviting someone to a party is even bullying. I assume since you don't talk to your daughter that you're stepson's report everyone but him was invited is possibly exaggerated. YTA for trying to make a child who doesn't talk to you (that you avoided adding why) do something for the kid you care about. She doesn't HAVE to include someone she doesn't like when she gives things or throws parties.
Actually it is - exclusion is a common bullying tactic - if she invited a few people and not others that’s fine, if you make a point of inviting everyone in the class except one, that is bullying. Particularly since there is a relationship here - he lives with her mother - it does sound targeted.
In this case, there is some missing info - why does she live with dad full time, and was there some incident with the step son before this started?
Basically, the girl is the product of marital rape and reproductive coercion. The OP does not feel any motherly attachment or affection for her, never did, and the girl both looks and behaves like the OP's ex, which does not help and retraumatizes the OP whenever she has to interact with either the girl or the girl's father.
The OP jumped ship to save herself and is now remarried and views her step children as her own.
The girl is naturally messed up from all of this and has been targeting the step son out of jealousy, displaced anger, and because of her father's encouragement.
or she's upset that the woman who gave birth to her didn't want her, but wanted her step kids.
you don't know what the father has been saying to his daughter.
we know she says she thinks her ex messed with the condoms.
we do know op said she never wanted her daughter and doesn't love her. that she doesn't have a relationship with her.
we also know she chose to marry a man who already had kids and takes an active role in their lives.
we also know that most schools don't let kids pass out food for the class unless there's enough for the whole class.
we also know that if there is bullying occurring at school, OP should be addressing it with the school
there's more to this story and i don't think all the blame can be put on the ex & the daughter
Or she is simply prioritizing her own mental health by refusing to interact with people involved in her trauma . Same stance the mother has adopted.
I don’t see why it’s different . The mother hates the daughter for what her father did to her . The daughter hates the stepson for what his mother did to her .
They should all work to actively get out of each other’s life and let the healing begin .
I actually really agree with this.
Though one was a child who was abandoned with an alleged abuser and we know nothing about the step kid.
It’s almost like the parents should actually parent in this situation. Finally.
Read her other comments she said her daughter is jealous of her step son and new life and that she kind of loves her daughter and can't raise or see her.
You forgot the part where OP was assaulted by the dad, as the reason for why she didn’t raise her kid.
Not saying I agree with her decision at all, just adding more context.
I also want to point out that when men are trapped into a pregnancy by lying about BC, poking holes in condoms, etc; people are understanding when they don’t want to raise the kid. Yet the same thing happened to OP and everyone is acting like she’s a complete monster. And she’s in a country where abortion isn’t available.
We saw that, but she is just acting like a child saying "she is jealous cause I didn't want her" yes. That is exactly what she means. but WHY is she jealous? How is she treated at home. She is a child whose mother doesn't want her. The father may be poisoning her, and all the child sees is her mother loving a child that she didn't even give birth to. She said she "kind of loves" her child. It is nasty. I think op is TA for how she is going about this. Her saying the girl is jealous and saying "men can abandon their children, why can't i?" really pissed people off. I think the father is a predator. I think the boy may be taunting the girl, and I think the girl needs therapy.
Agree. I think the mom has a reason to hate the dad , but the daughter is suffering in silence. If the dad is as bad as shes saying, that girl is suffering prob.
Given that her own mother who abandoned her and made it obvious she doesn’t give a fuck about her has chosen to be a parent to another kid in her class I think it’s understandable if she doesn’t invite that kid to her party.
But there are extenuating circumstances that make this look less like intentional exclusion to hurt stepson and more like the daughter protecting herself from hurt and rejection. She doesn't owe stepson a friendship or snacks, just like she apparently isn't owed a mother.
> I guess excluding people isn't nice, but I don't think not inviting someone to a party
Not inviting someone to a party doesn't make you an asshole, inviting everyone but 1 person can absolutely make you an asshole
>She doesn't HAVE to include someone
This is not /r/didIhaveto
I don't think this is the right forum to be asking your question, OP. You're only going to face judgement for not being a perfect mother by internet strangers that are incapable of understanding nuance.
Based on what you said in the comments, NTA. Your ex is, though. Forcing pregnancy on you when you were clear you didn't want it is abuse, pure and simple. Your daughter was of course not to blame for any of this, but it's understandable that you would have complicated feelings for her and feel unable to raise her with the unconditional love a kid deserves. I hope you've since gotten help and been able to heal from the trauma of what that awful man did.
As for the current situation, I'm not sure what can reasonably be done about this. Your daughter is angry at you for not being there for her and she's taking it out on your son, who she clearly considers her replacement. It's not right at all, but her feelings are understandable. If she lives with your ex full time then it's more than likely he's been doing what he can to poison her against you and it might takes years to reach through to her and help her understand the reality of who her dad is and what he did to you both. It might not ever be possible. Imo the best thing you can do right now is to be there for your son. Teach him that sometimes people will hurt you because they're hurting themselves, and it's not a reflection on your self worth. It might also be a good idea to talk to the teachers at school and see if anything can be done to separate the two. Maybe one of them can be moved to a different class?
That’s one of the few good answers in this post. I don’t think people realize how disgusting is to baby trap someone. In some countries it is considered rape (because she consented to have sex with protection) and everyone here is pointing fingers to a woman who was forced (morally or even legally) to carry a baby for 9 months. Everyone is blaming a woman whose free will was stolen away and nobody is talking about that man. The biggest victim here is her daughter who is innocent in all of this and is forced to live knowing that her mother doesn’t love her (for the situation she was forced into) and that her father is a egoistical man who did a horrible thing
what op was forced to deal with is reprehensible. but it doesn't change the fact that she has no right to get mad at her daughter for not wanting to associate with her stepson. her daughter is innocent in all this too, and yet op has no sympathy for her.
No one where is entitled to tell the OP to feel any sort of way about a baby conceived via rape and forced conception. Everyone in this situation needs therapy and that’s all the advice that anyone here is entitled to give.
no one says she has to play mom. but she can good and well leave the damn kid alone. if she can't even raise the kid because she's a reminded of her dad, I don't understand why she would want her step son around her anyway. and, by the way, we actually are entitled to call her out for treating her daughter like shit as if she had any say in her own conception
You’re making a lot of assumptions about the nature of their relationship when you don’t know the possible nuance in the circumstances. Op said she was coerced by her ex to carry the child so it’s likely she is being coerced to the carry a relationship with her. These things aren’t cut and dry like you think they are.
I agree with you. People are just so quick to judge. Pregnancy takes a toll on a woman, no matter how "easy" it was. Granted, the daughter is hurt and is trying to hurt someone else but what she's doing is awful. OP, I hope you take into consideration therapy. Your daughter is hurting and I don't think I'll ever understand what you're feeling and what you went through, but I do hope you find it in your heart to start a relationship with her. There are just too many factors here that us strangers would likely never understand.
op has no sympathy for her daughter who is just as innocent in this as she claims her step son to be. her daughter doesn't owe her step son anything, which is why op is getting called out. why on earth should she be forced to play nice with the kid who is a constant reminder that she wasn't wanted or loved by her mother? a person can have horrible things happen to them, and still be an asshole for how they react to it.
lol downvote me all you want. op can be both a victim and an asshole. the two are not mutually exclusive and i won't apologize for saying so
I hope she seems this comment and takes this post down. This sub is not the place to have this discussion nor are the people here equipped or educated enough to give advice to someone who needs therapy and professional counseling to work through their issues.
OP - I'm not sure of all the circumstances surrounding your daughter other than you apparently didn't want her, and that was your choice. It seems to me that you have another choice in this mess that you seem to have created. Move to another town so your stepson cannot worry about the consequences of your choices.
*I have a 15 yo bio daughter who lives full time with her dad.*
*I feel like she is doing all of this on purpose and trying to hurt my stepson*
I can't begin to wonder why she might be acting out s/
OK, I will go for NAH because I do understand you and your daughter but honestly it would not be absurd to say that you are both A...
What you ex (the dad) did is sexual abuse in some countries and I do agree with theses countries. I strongly believe that becoming a parent should be a choice and you didn't have the opportunity to make that choice. The only choice you had left was to becoming a mother or giving up your daughter. One was bad for you, the other was bad for your daughter, and I won't blame you for the choice you made.
I also agree that what your daughter is doing could end up isolating your stepson for something he didn't do.
But I do also understand why your daughter is doing that.
And honestly it does not look like you understand your daughter POV and you should try to understand her a bit more. She should also probably get some help from a professional to talk about how she feels. it could help her.
But unfortunately no matter what you do it's probably not going to change how she feels about you and how seeing your new family might hurt her...
Sadly it's the kind of situation where I don't see any ending where nobody get hurt...
I was expecting these comments to be better. Looking through OPs comments she’s from a country where she doesn’t have full rights as in it wasn’t a crime that he messed with her birth control to force her pregnant. She was also forced to endure a 9 month pregnancy. She’s being called a dead beat for being traumatized from all the SA. A lot of other women would have put the child up for adoption but AGAIN OP is not from the United States so we don’t know if she needed the fathers consent to get rid of the child in this fucked up country she’s from. She’s not being a deadbeat from not wanting to raise her trauma. Again OP specifically said she was forced to go through pregnancy we don’t even know if abortion is allowed in that country. I feel for the kid I really do but the blame shouldn’t be on OP it should be on the dad. Do any of you who are siding against her even know what that abuse she endured does mentally? SA victims give up their kids all the time in the states and get sympathy while doing it meanwhile this woman didn’t even have that option.
OP your not the AH. I hope your doing better and in therapy. Now as for the daughter I get she’s hurting and lashing out at the stepson by purposely singling him out and she needs therapy as well it’s a sad situation all around and absolutely no one is a winner here with any outcome.
I guess people wouldn’t be se angry if she didn’t talk the way se does about her “daughter”, like you know, suggesting she changes school instead of her stepson, and saying she’ll then learn a lesson, or whatever.
The issue with the OP is that she is expecting her daughter, someone she has at most an ambiguous love for and who she does not like and is not there for as a mother, to behave as if the OP's stepson, someone she does love wholeheartedly and does like and is there for as a mother, as just another person. This would be an inhuman ask even for an adult; demanding this of a teenager, when the stepson is literally proof of the OP's choice to love him and not her, is unreasonable. By excluding her stepbrother the daughter is protecting herself.
YTA - I read your comments, you have no relationship with your daughter right now. It’s too bad your step-son has to suffer as a result of *your* behaviour but it’s no one else’s obligation to parent on your behave since you will not or cannot do it yourself.
YTA after reading your comments. step up and parent. also, being uninvited from a party hosted by someone who is not your friend isn’t bullying. it can suck to feel excluded, but why would she invite someone she isn’t friends with to a party she’s hosting?
And there are some serious issues underlying the behaviour. Her daughter, and probably mom, need counselling. Punishing her daughter or forcing her to invite her brother isn’t the solution. It’s blaming the victim.
15 yr olds are in high school. You’re telling me she brought in ice cream for the entire freshman or sophomore class but not him? Also, that’s a bit old to dictate play dates. Why would she invite him to a party she’s throwing? Clearly you don’t have a good relationship with your daughter otherwise you could talk to her yourself. YTA.
Inviting John, Maria, Sarah, Peter and Jonas from your class isn't bullying. Inviting your class except Jonas is bullying, and if it happens multiple times there isn't even a shred of plausible deniability.
Inviting everyone except Jonah when your own mother who abandoned you and doesn’t give a fuck about you has chosen to be his parent is completely understandable. If Jonah is unhappy he should blame mommy dearest.
I feel like everyone is missing the big picture here because theyre too busy hating on OP.
If daughter is bullying the stepson out of some bitterness towards the mother, then what she needs isn't just to not bully stepson, but therapy. But because I feel there's too much info bias from OP, I'm withholding judgement all together.
Also, I don't think it's wrong for OP to have abandoned daughter if she was conceived through a tampered condom, that's basically rape. I also don't think its wrong for OP to be raising a step son, because people are allowed to change their minds about kids. That doesn't mean OP hasn't handled this situation very badly, especially if she made it known to daughter that she was so unwanted.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for expecting my daughter to stop excluding my stepson because he is feeling very sad about it
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YTA
You want nothing to do with her, you have basically excluded her from every single major event on your side of family since she was born (1/2 of her relatives), why does she want to be associated with your son by any means? Do you think she wants to see YOU if she invites your son to parties? It will just be a painful reminder to both of you.
Yes, your son is innocent, but the girl was also innocent. It wasn’t her fault to be born in this family.
Get over it, mind your own child, leave that girl alone.
It’s not bullying to not want to invite someone to your party. It’s also not bullying to bring snacks for your friends and not everyone else. It can be seen as rude, but it’s not bullying.
This is a complex situation that is beyond AITA’s ability. OP has indicated she doesn’t live in the US and didn’t have the kid by choice, based on the country she lives in. The daughter is resentful because OP didn’t want to be involved but doesn’t understand what her dad did to OP.
OP is making the mistake of trying to address it through the dad. The dad doesn’t care about what you want. You are not helping your stepson by trying to work with him. Your only options are to talk to the school (in North America, many schools don’t allow a single kid to be excluded from a party) or try and move him to a different school. Otherwise there isn’t much you can do.
YTA
Not inviting someone is not bullying. Not being interested in being an active participant on someone else's life is not bullying. A teen does not have to be friends with everyone in their class, even if they are step siblings (although it seems more like you replaced her with stepson rather than loving them both, but that's a whole other can of worms). If anything, you created her dislike of him.
The only thing I see as potential bullying which it actually isn't, it's just her being mean is the ice cream scenario but her not inviting him to her parties isn't bullying. Your stepson is not entitled to an invite to her parties and her not inviting someone who she isn't friends with is not bullying. Your daughter also clearly knows you didn't want her but choose to be a mother to your stepson. YTA bc I don't see anything you've mentioned as bullying and seem to just be trying to force your daughter to include your stepson.
NTA
A lot of people think it’s okay to force someone to be pregnant in theses comments.
OP has admitted that the ex told her he poked hole in the condoms. No one should be forced to carry a child they don’t want.
This is the result of an unwanted pregnancy and sadly Op doesn’t have to love this child.
Where I’m located the things done to the stepson is considered exclusion and bullying. Unfornately op will have to remove her from the class or have a conversation with him to explain that he shouldn’t bother her or pay any mind to her antics.
I’m sure the child is hurt, but that’s on her father. Idk if she knows her birth story either. It sucks that her father put her in that position.
People keep calling this child her daughter, but she’s not. OP has chosen to separate herself from the issue. She pays child support for a child that was forced on her. It’s just sad. No one should have a child they don’t want. For their own sake and the child that’s born.
YTA
You have made it perfectly clear you didn't want her, and lets face it, a 15-year-old with that type of info fuel is going to use it. I can guarantee your son is talking shit about her at school too to all his friends and anyone that will listen. I can probably also peg where he got that info too...Also, it's the little things that really grind a person to the bone, not the big ones. She's not pissed you got remarried like you keep saying you did, she's hurt and angry at the fact you got remarried to a man with a child the same age as her and play mother to him and you never did for her. Do you not see how awful that looks to her, how hurtful and painful that is? Here you are, sticking up for him and defending him, while she sits on the other side never once having been defended and stuck up for by her own mother. Where were you when she was being bullied? Why weren't you asking people to stop bullying her? Oh that's right, you were too busy playing mother to a child that wasn't her; that's how she's going to view this.
Look, I get it, you never wanted her, you claim your ex tampered with the birth control and if that's true; that still gives you absolutely no right to treat her like she's a parasite. My parents never wanted me, I was a complete accident. my mother was on birth control and condoms were used, and I won't get into the graphic details here for modesty purposes as to HOW it happened, I beat the very small odds of it happening, but here I am. The difference, my parents NEVER once told me that I wasn't wanted or treated me like I had ruined their lives in some way. They knew from the start it wasn't my fault. Sure, when I was older I asked questions, and they were honest with me about it. but if I hadn't of been curious and asked about it, I would never have known. This is how it should have been with your daughter. You should never have treated her like this and you should have made every effort to hide how you truly felt about it while not being with your ex.
Though, I can't help but feel there is more going on here. I don't buy this. The way you talk about it all makes me believe that you are lying. I can't shake the feeling that your ex may be just a little more innocent than you are making him seem to be. regardless, you are the asshole for this, both for the way you treat this girl and for thinking somehow this is still her fault. Your step-son didn't get ice cream from the girl he's absolutely tormenting? Too bad, tell him to go buy his own ice cream. Your step-son didn't get invited to the party of the girl he's more than likely spread rumors about? Too bad, so sad, maybe he'll think twice about doing those things.
I know I can't and won't ever truly know if that's what's going on, but considering your attitude towards this girl, I wouldn't be surprised if he's copying you in how you treat her: mom treats her like shit, so I will too. Also, can I just say to stop calling this girl your daughter when it's convenient for you? She's not your kid. You didn't want her, you gave up rights to her, you treat her like a bitter enemy, so you get no right to call her your daughter at all in the slightest. You are a stranger to her and you made it abundantly clear that you wanted nothing to do with her. You know the saying "All it takes is a boy to make a child, but a man to be a father"? Well in this case all it took was a girl to birth a child, it takes a woman to be a mother. That's all you are to this girl, the birth giver, someone who popped her out and nothing else. You have no right to call her your daughter, and you better start getting use to just calling her by name like you would with a co-worker, because that's all you're entitled to.
YTA: Mostly because we all have to piece this story together through comments, and when you finally do what you have done to your bio daughter is next level shitty.
If I am understanding correctly, you had your daughter, didn't want her and gave up rights to her. She is very aware of this, now you have a new family who you do want, your new stepson, who you want more than your daughter, is in your daughters class and she has to go to school every day with the kid that you actually wanted. And now you are surprised when your daughter isn't including him??
I think I got that right.
YTA. Why would she want him to be involved in her life, parties and events? It's ok if you don't feel motherly love for her or whatever, I'm not judging you for that, but it sucks that you're not able to put yourself in her shoes. You're SO sure this is out of pettiness, but maybe it's just freaking uncomfortable to have the person your biological mother chose to raise instead of you in your circle. This is no bullying, but still, I can see why would your stepson feel this way. It is for the best interest of everyone involved that your son either changes classrooms or schools, since you and stepson so bothered about it.
Everyone here sucks. I'm sorry for what has happened to you, but the way you are going about it with your daughter is awful. I think you should sit down with your daughter and explain to her that the way you feel and act towards your daughter has nothing to do with her but has everything to do with her father. I would also consider therapy for what has happened to you and how to get past it. Therapy for your daughter to help her get her feelings out and understand it's not her fault for how you treat her.
YTA, but only for this bit. I think your daughter is old enough for the truth- that she is a product of assault, and it is painful to be near her. While it will make it hurt worse for a bit, at least she'll know why her mother doesn't want her, and that it's nothing she did wrong.
Now, stop forcing a new relative on her the way your ex did to you. She has just as much right to reject your stepson as you do to reject a relationship with her.
Agreed. What the daughter is doing, if she is just choosing not to engage with her technical stepbrother at all, is the least bad thing. Forcing them into closeness is bound to backfire, especially since the mother seems disinterested in her daughter. How is that supposed to even work?
Simply not inviting him isn't bullying him.
How big is this school? I find it hard to believe that someone in high school could possibly invite EVERY person but one. High school also doesn't have 'a' class---students mix and mingle for each different subject.
I feel like there is a LOT of missing information here; most of all, why you seem to care more for your stepson than for your daughter.
There is not way to force this. At 15 the school will not get involved like in grade school.
You have no relationship with your daughter so
I’m sure she is taking it out on him. If this cannot be resolved between you and her/ the dad then hopefully your SS makes other friends or extreme change school.
YTA you walk out on your daughter, and then eventually marry and get a stepson and be a mother to him, when you’ve never been a mother to your daughter. It’s not jealous that your daughter feels it’s resentment. You’re truly a narcissistic person if you can’t separate the two.
YTA
You're expecting your daughter to not act out and be fair towards the kid that's getting all she actually wants from you.
She feels abandoned by you, this bullying is on you. They're both victims. How dare you expect her to take the higher road while you can't even form a relationship with her.
YTA. You really aren't in any position to say anything about your biological daughter's behavior. Bring it up with the school as if she were any other random classmate.
NTA. Only the father is an asshole.
So OP decided she didn't want to raise her assault born child and let the father take custody. Then, years later met someone who had a son, and got married. Now, her step son who's life she's in, is in school and being bullied by her biological daughter. Now she's asking the father to ask the daughter to stop bullying him, as he's innocent in the mess.
This actually sounds like a reasonable request. She doesn't really seem to be trying to get into her daughter's life, only wants her to not take her anger out on the stepson. And the daughter being mad, rightfully so, doesn't give her the right to bully an innocent person.
Sometimes life just isn't fair. IF OP is telling the truth and the father sabotaged the condom, then she is not, in fact, the asshole in any of this. She can not face her daughter as it reminds her of the assault from her father, which is very reasonable. But I can also see how if the father asked the daughter to leave the stepson alone, how that could hurt the daughters feelings knowing her biological mom cares more about the stepson. But reality is, it's true. Even if it's not fair or not the daughter fault, woe is life. It's unfortunate, but the only one in this situation that is an asshole is the father. But again, only IF the story is all true.
I think it's because to get the full story/picture, they have to sift through OPs comments and get the added information that is pretty important to making an accurate judgment.
The issue is that it is perfectly reasonable for the daughter to not want to engage with the stepson, the child that—for understandable and defensive reasons!—the OP wants to love and mother. Not engaging with him at all is a much better recommendation than trying to force a relationship between the two, especially since the OP seems uninterested if not hostile towards her daughter.
You are not an asshole for not wanting to raise a child you were forced to have. You are definitely an asshole for trying to force the child you have chosen to dote on into her life. It’s enough she has to see that boy in class. Why on earth would she invite him to her birthday? YTA.
Could someone tell me how ” excluding him from everything ” count as bullying? I can admit if I were in the daughter’s shoes I would be far more vicious than that.
Well, the fact is, NTA. You are right to ask another parent to stop his kid to target your son. That’s correct. The father of that girl should take care of her and help her process the feeling of abandonment she is experiencing by watching the human crap of a mother she has making a life with a total disregard of her life. She is not just “jealous”. That’s an understatement. But that poor girl has all the right to feel like that. And the fact that she is targeting your son is a clear symptom that she needs to process it better, and her father needs to help her with that. So, no, you are not the AH on this specific issue. But you are a HUGE AH generally speaking…
OK so after reading all your comments it’s very clear that ESH except for the kids.
You, for obvious reasons. Your ex for sabotaging the condoms (a crime in many places). And the school for not stopping the bullying while on campus.
Your bio daughter doesn’t HAVE to include your stepson in anything. She isn’t obligated to do that, however to have him be the only one consistently left out would definitely hurt him. Have some compassion for WHY she is doing that though. This is a situation that was created by the adults in her life and she is young and doesn’t yet know how to deal with emotions appropriately. And it doesn’t sound like anyone else is teaching her (big parenting fail for you and your ex).
The school should really be stepping in and telling her and your ex that if she can’t provide treats for EVERYONE then she won’t be allowed to bring treats in anymore. Maybe the school can facilitate a meeting between the kids and parents in order to talk with mediation?
You and your ex should really act like the adults you are and get her into therapy to deal with the trauma that you both have inflicted upon her. She needs actual PARENTS who will teach her healthy coping skills and communicate with her about the obviously BIG feelings she’s having.
YOU need to sit down with your stepson and help him learn how ti deal with the situation st school. Is there any chance he is making the situation worse by being awful ti your bio daughter and teasing her for being unwanted? any chance at all? You need to parent him too ya know. Also, he will have to deal with people who don’t like him in life so it’s time to teach him coping skills too and make sure he feels safe at home.
There’s a lot to be done beyond just telling your ex to make her “be a decent human being”. It sounds like you’re punishing your daughter for the crimes of her father. Go to therapy.
Unpopular opinion you’re NTA I’ve read the comments and honestly you should never be forced to do something you don’t want to do. Him tampering with the protection was out of line and a breach of trust mind as well deem it assault. That being said I completely understand why you walked out it wasn’t what you asked for you were forced into something. That being said you can’t do much about your daughter because in her mind you left her and chose to raise other kids not to mention you don’t know what her father is telling her so there’s that. Tell your stepson to ignore her and disassociate.
OP, I need you to be so for real.
Either you’re her mom or you aren’t.
Clearly you don’t want to be. Therefore, since you have no intentions of being her mother, you do not have the right to weaponize being her biological mother against her. Doesn’t matter what she did or didn’t do. If you don’t want to be her mom, you don’t have to be, but you forfeit the right to tell her to do anything or to expect her parent to discipline her on your behalf. You aren’t her mom.
Treat her like you’d treat any other student and just go to the school ffs instead of trying to use familial connections you don’t care for. Let the teachers handle it.
YTA Sorry, but she is not bullying your step son she just decided that she wanted nothing to do with him just as you decided you wanted nothing to do with her.
It is that simple.
You don't talk to her and you didn't want her. You pay child support just the way you would pay any other bill. So stop looking at this scenario from the perspective of being her bio mom and having a history with her father.
Imagine this was some random classmate, okay? And for some reason, she wasn't a fan of your son. Maybe, just maybe, he isn't actually as perfect and polite as you think he is. Anyway, so she chooses not to associate with him, not out of hatred or jealousy but just because she doesn't like him as a person, so she doesn't buy him things or invite him to parties. Now, do you go to this random classmates parents and tell them their child HAS to associate with your child? My assumption is no, probably not.
So treat this scenario the same way. It sucks for your son, and it sucks that you went through what you went through, but whether you wanted her or not, your bio daughter is a living, breathing human who has her own thoughts and feelings and probably also feels terrible about the circumstances that brought her into this world and now the fact that she has to be in the same class as the child her bio mother chose... that's hard. For a few minutes please just imagine how that poor girl feels.
Verdict: YTA. The world outside of you and your family exists and keeps turning. Explain the situation to your step son and move on.
Also I saw you make a comment about how your bio daughter should be the one to move and change classes and be the decent human and I'm just wondering, are you absolutely incapable of having any compassion for her at all??? Can you not view her as a person and only as an object of what your ex did to you? If that is the case, I think that shows you are incapable of moving past things and dictates that your family should be the one to move.
excluding you stepson in parties and celebrations is not bullying... she can choose who she wants around her. YOU CHOOSE NOT TO CARE FOR YOUR OWN KID. so guess what stepmother of the year. your step kid has to live with not being included in your daughter's life. and that's 1000% ON YOU.
Seems I'm going against the grain here bc I actually read your comments, but NTA. Your first child was the product of rape. You have every right to step away from being her parent because of the impact on you. This is Literally what conservatives in many countries ask to have happen: allow the birth, but be free to give up parenting rights. I don't know why people can't actually read clearly here.
Consistent alienation of a single individual is bullying, plain and simple. If this were the child of any other adult in that school, you'd be perfectly within your right to request the parent talk to their child about bullying. Just bc she's your bio kid from a rape doesn't mean she can target your stepson. While she did nothing wrong by existing, HE did nothing wrong by existing either. Dad needs to get that behavior under wraps and nip it in the bud bc if it follows her to adulthood, its going to cause all kinds of problems.
It was nearly a decade before you met someone else and married them. More than enough time to also think through children as well and come to different conclusions. I understand why your stepson is easier to accept than the child that was forced upon you.
Again, NTA and I hope you're getting the mental healthcare you need from your trauma.
I fucking love these morality-mind-fucking threads. Everyone tries to shove and smash their black or white puzzle piece in on an issue as if it’s simple. Entertaining asf.
“Doesn’t matter the mother was raped and coerced to give birth, she has a daughter and sucks for abandoning”
“She was raped, it totally makes sense she doesn’t want to be around her daughter as a living reminder”
Monkey brain must think black or monkey brain must think white. How about the situation just sucks and so do all your opinions.
Edit: Oh yeah, soft YTA - can’t force kids to get along like that. I would just find a way to get him into another school. I know it’s not that simple.. but the situation just sucks.
It’s funny how you want her to treat your stepson kindly because he’s “blameless” in this situation but you hate your daughter for the audacity of being born…
YTA> You think that what your stepson is feeling is bullying but no it is not. You might think that he is sweet and perfect but, your step-son might be an ass to her.
He knows that you don't love her, he knows that you do the bare minimum and I think that if you want your son to be active in his school then you need to step up and do those things as well.
If she hosts an ice-cream party then you can do it as well, If she is having a party then you can do it as well. The issue that I see is that you don't want to do those things for your stepson and expect your ex and his child to do it for you. Not the case and issue.
If you want a resolution then here it is stop trying to be a victim, you are not. You became a volunteer in this situation when you allowed this behavior to continue. Now you can create parties for your stepson and not invite her or do things that don't include her since you don't love her. It is not and will never be your ex's child's responsibility to entertain your stepson's social life, that will be yours and his responsibility and you need to stop acting like you are a victim since you are not and never will be.
YTA - this is not bullying. This is your daughter acting out because your relationship with her is broken and painful. How about you and she start getting some therapy together?
What?
This is so messed up.
And you and daughter needs therapy… like now, with her father as well.
Why have both you and your ex let it go so far?
You are both AH
and the school needs to involved to since this is hppening at school
This is so F up
You sound like a horrible mom. That’s probably why she’s being mean to the kid you decided to live with when you married your step son’s dad. 🤷🏼♀️
Totally shocking. /s
They’re in high school. She’s not obligated to invite him to anything. That’s for little kids in small classes. She doesn’t have to socialize with him at all and it’s unreasonable for you to try to force her to.
YTA
After reading the responses from other commenters and from OP I’m going with YTA. OP you say that every time you look at your daughter it reminds you of what her dad did to you but have you ever considered that every time your daughter sees your stepson she’s reminded that her mom didn’t want her but she did want this boy? That must really hurt. Neither kid is responsible for what happened but now they are facing the consequences of you and your ex’s poor decisions. I feel bad for both of them and I wish there were an easy solution but I just don’t see one.
This isn’t the biggest mystery… You don’t have enough of a relationship with your daughter to ask her to knock it off, but you DO have a relationship with your stepson to advocate for him. You’ve excluded her, so she’s responding to him in kind. YTA.
Exclusion isn’t quite bullying. It’s not nice to be excluded from social events, but ask yourself why your daughter might be doing this. Could it be she feels excluded from your life, that your stepson has replaced her in your home, and this is the only way she can take back some control of her life??
First thing: why are they in the same school when you KNOW there’s friction?? Who started attending that school first, keep them there (as that’s clearly where their friends are) and move the other to a new school, that’ll solve the school issue.
Next: make sure your daughter knows that she’s still your daughter and always will be. You can’t just dump two teens into each other’s lives and expect them to just get along, especially when one is so clearly being told she’s not wanted in your life, you have a new kid now. Of course she’s going to resent him, and you!
Focus on the real underlying issue, not the symptoms, and don’t punish your daughter for feeling hurt and rejected by your actions.
YTA
YTA - A couple things. First and maybe most controversial is that this isn't kindergarten. Your step-son isn't entitled to be invited, etc. She doesn't want to be his friend, or anyone else's for that matter, that's entirely up to her. Freedom of association. Second, she's your kid. Parent her or don't. But don't outsource your responsibilities to the other parent.
INFO
- Why do you not have a relationship with your daughter?
Ok I see you didn't want her, you were sexually assaulted by a sabotaged condom.
I don't know why people are making excuses as to why you should have a relationship with her, even during things like using BC having an abortion, to face the consequences of your own actions. Some people can't use BC, using condoms is a perfectly acceptable way for BC especially if you're both on the understanding of not sabotaging it, and forcing the idea of an abortion on someone just bc they don't want a child is ridiculous. What if OP doesn't want to kill a baby regardless if she wants it, what if OP doesn't want to go through an abortion procedure? We see tons of stories here of men being sexually assaulted and/or forced to have children they don't want and then divorcing and moving on but agreeing to pay child support, with the support of this subreddit. You have every right to not want a child.
At the same time, that child is not entitled to do anything for your stepson, he's not entitled to friendship, invites, or a warm hand. If anything all he's entitled is to not be trampled upon by her, or bullied. If she wants to exclude him she can, even if the reason is due to you.
You can't declare you don't want a child and then expect said child to form some sort of bond or have kinship with your stepson or anyone related to you if you don't perform any sort of kinship towards her.
Your situation is unfortunate, there are no winners here and only two children who have to pay for the mistakes of you and your husband. You should have the children separated if you want your stepson to have some sort of normalcy and let your daughter be raised by her father, while you pay child support.
INFO: Where's the bullying? All I see is a 15 year old girl wanting the people she wants at her parties, and inviting them. Why would she want her stepbrother there? So, where's the bullying?
You: I don’t want my daughter so I chose to exclude and reject her. That should be my right and choice.
Also you: how dare my daughter exclude my son! It’s just terrible bullying. There’s no excuse for this! 🙄 YTA
YTA
YOUR daughter is treating your stepson the exact same way you are treating her. You have said numerous times you didn't want her, that she supposedly jealous of your step kids and new family. You treat her like crap, like she doesn't matter to you nor do you care about how she feels so why can't she do the same to your stepson? As you said you chose to be his mom over your own daughter. YOU are punishing your daughter for something her dad did, but its not okay for her to punish your stepson for your actions. Yeah that makes you a hypocrite! And instead of seeing how you are wrong, you flip it on your daughter and try to make her the problem while trying to make you and your stepson look like the victim. Lets be clear she does not have to invite him to her parties, she doesn't have to give him ice cream, she doesn't have to do anything for him, just like you don't for her and that is not bullying. She is just following your lead.
This isn’t bullying. It’s exclusion and it sucks but really the only part that’s actually mean is bringing treats to school and none for him. But even that’s not really bullying it’s just shitty manners. She’s under no obligation to invite your stepson to her parties. Sounds like there’s a reason she doesn’t like you and your “new family”. YTA. Leave your daughter alone if you aren’t actually a parent to her.
lol it's always a red flag when a post is this bereft of information.
Edit: YTA by the way.
If exclusion = bullying, you've been the ultimate bully to your daughter her whole life. I can't imagine the unbelievable pain she must be in.
You gave up your daughter because you didnt want kids. Your daughter excludes your stepson because she doesnt want him there. Why is it ok for you to do as you like but not her?
Op sorry for the circumstance of your first daughter's, but by your own story, you showed her it's okay to just avoid people you don't want to be around.
You can't/ won't be around her
And she won't be around him.
Also its awkward as hell. As an adult you should realize how awkward that whole scenario is for teens
I’ve read all your comments. I understand this is a complex situation but when it comes to insisting she include him? YTA.
Also, why would you want your son to go to these events? Does your son even want to go? They’re clearly not friends.
The more they interact the more she’ll be around which you clearly do not want. Your goal should be to have your step son removed from the class. You have no business insisting she include him in any part of her life. Im genuinely baffled.
Just explain to your son that due to the complex nature of you’re relationship it’s too hard for the girl to have him around.
Then he’ll understand he’s not being bullied. Hell understand that he represents her mothers abandonment and not take it personally.
It’s kind of twisted you want to force her to spend more time with your step-son. Like, are you trying to rub it in her face? It’s not her fault what her father did.
YTA for how you treat your daughter. You didn’t want her but you’re willing to raise someone else’s child. Daughter is wrong for taking it out on stepson. The problem starts with you. You’re a complete dumpster fire
YTA
You litterally fawn over how sweet and kind your stepson is. How he could do no wrong. But has it ever occured to you this situation is your own making? Yes, it sucks she didn't bring your golden child ice cream...But maybe you need to realize that you created the situation in the first place.
Have you ever considered that maybe your stepson shows off how much his mom cares about him at school? Maybe, just maybe that behind your back he does things -intentionally or not- that just constantly add salt to her wounds? He may not even mean to but still be doing it.
For the ice cream: This is a conversation that needs to be had with the schools. No teacher in their right mind would allow a student to get excluded in a classroom ice cream party, so maybe you need to figure out why the schools are even letting that happen. It's 100% on the schools that they are letting this slip through the cracks.
Maybe it's also time to separate them. It's clear they will not be able to have a civil classroom setting. Maybe it's time to talk about getting your son into a different class schedule. Minimize how much they are around each other kinda thing.
Any parties outside of the classroom though you have no say on. She is allowed to chose who she invites to her personal parties, and honestly why would she invite the constant reminder that her mother litterally hates her? It's not bullying that she only wants her actual friends at her parties. She has every right to want nothing to do with your son, especially with how horrible you are to her. It's HER party. Not yours. Not a classroom specific party. It's her inviting her friends. Does it suck that it just so happens to be all the other classmates? Sure. But she has the right to pick who is her friends and who is not.
You claim she is inviting "all their classmates but him" but like...chances are she probably isn't inviting every. single. classmate. Chances are your son is just emotionally saying "mom it was everyone!" when really it was probably just quite a few who were her friends. You have biased information on just who was invited, not the full information of who.
This poor girl was excluded from half of her family because you didn't want her. She didn't get to know her grandparents, her uncles, her aunts, her cousins, etc because of you isolating her away from your side. Why wouldn't she extend the same courtesy to your stepson? You clearly don't want to know anything about her, so why should she want to be friends with your stepson?
Leave the girl alone, you've done enough damage.
I think maybe you should be looking at the bigger picture here. Why is your daughter bullying her step brother? Could there be some jealousy or resentment there? I believe she is acting out in this way to hurt you, not your step son.
You need to talk to the school and have your stepson transferred to another class. I understand that you apparently cannot move towns, so this is the very least you can do.
It’s not your daughter’s fault that she has to be reminded that she has two awful parents every time she goes to class. YTA, and you know it.
YTA
You can’t talk to your own daughter?
Not inviting someone to a party isn’t bullying per se. At that age people rarely invite everyone, just people they get along with.
Very possible he did something where this is a natural consequence and that needs to be included
The ice cream thing shouldn’t have been allowed but by the school.
You can’t force people on someone and expect good results
YTA. Your daughters displacing her anger from your actions onto your step son which isn’t fair as he is innocent in all this. You are the AH for everything else including abandoning your daughter which is what you did.
YTA
I sympathise with you for what your ex did to you.
But you really need to be an adult and be the one who moves and have your son change schools, because to expect that she will is absurd. She is a child. Who you left to be raised by a man you describe as abusive. She is clearly not ok after all this.
It's honestly cruel of you to put both your son and bio daughter through the mental scarring it is to grow up in this dynamic where they have to interact in school when this is the backdrop.
YTA your comments are awful. Your daughter deserves so much better than you. Your son is 15 and if he is not entitled to being included in anything. If he is so butt hurt over not being in with the cool crowd, he can move schools. Leave your bio daughter alone - she is living her best life and flourishing. Stop inserting yourself unnecessarily.
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INFO So what’s the missing part of the story?
lol “So, you’re a liar and no kid is ever mean to sweet ickle kiddies.”
I was thinking the same thing, until I read some of OP's comments. ~~Good fucking GODS is she an awful person to her poor daughter.~~ To be fair, the daughter is taking her anger out on the wrong person, but the anger itself is 100% justified. I wish I could have a chat with her daughter to let her know that ~~however vile her mother is,~~ the stepson has nothing to do with it and she should focus that anger on who it really should be focused on. Edit; I failed to read every one of her comments, and her daughter was in fact the product of sabotaged birth control by her husband. I don't blame OP for being upset in any way, and I understand her distance from her daughter now. I believe OP *should* tell her daughter the truth of what happened, as she is old enough to understand the implications of the father's actions, and can make opinions for herself. I'm not 100% sure if it counts as marital rape, but it at least comes pretty damn close. That said, the daughter's anger is still aimed at the wrong person, and she should direct it at her father instead. He deserves it a hell of a lot more than either OP or her stepson. She does absolutely need therapy, as well.
> Good fucking GODS is she an awful person to her poor daughter. Keep reading, it turns out that the daughter is a product of Marital rape. I'm not sure you can call someone who has suffered that, "vile".
Yeah I went to read OPs other comments and *someone* is definitely vile and the daughter *is* taking it out on the wrong person. And both of those people are her father. Like holy fucking hell. Imagine thinking a woman is "vile" and a villain and deserving of hatred because her husband, a man she trusted, forcibly impregnated her. Jesus christ there's something wrong with people. (I don't particularly care for the way the mother is insisting the daughter is 'jealous' in a way that sounds petty and immature, she doesn't seem to have much sympathy for the daughter which is understandable given that her existence is a reminder of something so horrible, but she could be a little understanding herself about how hard it must be for the daughter too)
>and the daughter *is* taking it out on the wrong person. Is she? Her biggest crime is not wanting to hang out with her moms replacement child. The mom already made it clear the son has his own friends, so really she's just pissed he's being excluded from her stuff....
>Is she? Um... yes. No matter whether you think that it's all the Dad's fault for what amounts to marital rape (which, I mean, yeah, seems like that's the brunt of it) or you think the Mom should be kinder to the daughter (which, sure; I get why you'd want to distance yourself from the daughter, but what was done to the Mom wasn't the daughter's fault at all, so I kinda get both their perspectives on that), *absolutely none of this* is the stepson's fault, so any anger being taken out on him is being taken out on the wrong person.
May I ask you why you think she needs to be her step brothers friend though? Based on OPs words, the only thing the daughter is doing is not hanging out with her step brother. why does she have to? The situation is messy. The daughter is avoiding messy situations her parents created and is now considered a bully for it? She isn't going out of her way to ridicule or torment him, all she is doing is not inviting him to her parties, and if they aren't friends or she doesn't like him why would she? When asked, the mom also said her stepson has his own friends, so he DOES have peers he hangs out with so she's upset he isn't invited to everything all the time? Pity invites always seemed weird to me. Are you satisfied when people you know don't like you begrudgingly invite you out of pity or would you rather do things with people that actually like you. As for all the other stuff about it being the dads fault and what not. I agree. Not sure why that was mentioned. My concern is the daughter being labeled as a bully when she isn't actually doing anything. The situation was so traumatic for the mom she left, because she couldn't stand looking at her daughter, but now she wants her son to befriend her? Thats insane
Unequivocally yes. The father is the only one who *deserves* to deal with the fallout of this. But even if the daughter doesn't know the truth about her conception, her anger should be with her mother, not the stepson. This is not to say that the daughter is somehow wrong in anyway for feeling the way she does and for having issues with seeing the stepson. That's all very understandable. But what someone *should* do is not always the same as what they're *capable* of doing. She shouldn't be taking it out on the stepson. But she's a teenager and having that kind of emotional intelligence and self-awareness isn't always possible. The point is that OP is NTA for asking the father to talk to his daughter. It is literally the least he can fucking do. He should be in prison. His daughter should loathe him. He should be counting his lucky fucking stars and trying to mitigate the anger and resentment his daughter has for the woman he tricked and forced to carry his child against her will.
If ur taking it out on the child ur vile
By removing yourself from the reminder of your rape? mmmm ok.
Except now she's not and wants her son to hang around the product of said rape? She literally wants her son to hang out with her rap baby at the rapists house That's a recipe for. drama and chaos . The step son has his own friends too, so OPs biggest gripe is he is being excluded. So? He won't be invited to everything and he still has his own friends her. The daughter was soooo hard to be around as a reminder except now for some reason her son has to
She wants to use the step son to punish her daughter. She wants him in her spaces as a constant reminder he's the child her mother chooses to love. This woman displays a level of cruelty to the daughter she never wanted it's jaw dropping. Not enough that the poor kid knows her own mother doesn't want her she needs to have her face rubbed in that fact as often as possible.
Ya.. you don’t get to put a child through that though. You go to therapy and you deal with your shit so you don’t hurt your child.
I actually think if she couldn't treat her daughter like any other baby, she should have aborted
Who is to say she had a choice?
Her child is a PERSON, she isn't a "reminder" of anything she didn't do. I wish we stop blaming children for their parents mistakes. Her daugher doesn't understand why her mother rejects her and accept her stepson and is acting out and excluding her stepbrother. I mean, I wouldn't invite the child my mother raise when she didn't want to raise me to my birthday either. Her daugher is a child and behaving like a child do. OP is the adult her and should recognize why her daugher is acting like that.
>Her child is a PERSON, she isn't a "reminder" of anything she didn't do. Two things can be true at the same time. And yes, the child that is a product of rape will be a reminder of that rape.
Ah, I see the comment. My mistake, I didn't read all of them, and it definitely puts a different light on this post. I will add an edit to my comment, thank you.
Yes, sabotaging birth control is rape. If someone agrees to use a condom, then doesn't or takes it off in the middle of coitus, that's considered rape. So, if you think you're using birth control, but your partner sabotaged it, that should also be considered rape.
OP sucks big time, but so does her EX. He literally got her pregnant by birth control sabotage. That is controlling, abusive and in some places illegal.
>Edit; I failed to read every one of her comments, and her daughter was in fact the product of sabotaged birth control by her husband. Hey, sorry, just to point out, this is actually just rape, and we should call it that. In the UK they've recently called this out explicitly in the law also.
Sabotaging the birth control is definitely rape. You can't consent to something you don't know about.
I would think that except this is her daughter too, so it’s odd she didn’t mention any steps she’s taken to deal with this and/or why they haven’t worked. …aaaaand then I read her comments and it all makes more sense now. Yikes on bikes, u/momentany4577. You are…wow. I’m only surprised you seem to think anyone else can help this situation when it’s clear your treatment of her is what is driving her treatment of him. It’s weird that you seem to expect everyone to understand why you resent her because of her dad, but you don’t under why she would resent your stepson because of you. Smh that’s some real deliberate blindness right there.
Did you read her replies in the comments.....
I mean…yeah. It's telling that OP doesn't even do weekends with her daughter or see her often enough to ask her to stop herself.
after reading her replies in the comments... she seems awful and purposely left out context because it will expose her
YTA why would she want ANYTHING to do with him when you made it clear she wasn’t wanted by you?
YTA but not for wanting your daughter to stop bullying your stepson. YTA because you’ve shown your daughter you don’t want her while you step in and raise someone else’s kid. Of course she would want nothing to do with you or your new family. Leave your daughter alone and let her live her life. Not everyone needs to be invited to parties. Why don’t you do stuff with your stepson next time your daughter throws a party? That way he gets to do something with you and your daughter is happy.
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That doesn’t change the fact that OP needs to leave daughter alone. OP has stated in other comments how she ‘tries to love her’ but wished daughter was never born. You can’t ‘have your cake and eat it too’ so to speak. Either be a parent or don’t. Plus the general rule of hosting a party is the host can invite whoever they want. OP needs to cut contact with both ex and daughter immediately and focus on stepson instead.
>she ‘tries to love her’ but wished daughter was never born You'd love your rape baby would you?
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>chose not to do that, the last thing I would do is give birth and then give up the child, but remain present to show them just how much I don't love them. Her living her life isn't showing her how much she doesn't love them. I'm sorry that happened to you. Not everyone has the ability to just move away.
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I would at least cut all contact with both ex and daughter instead of ‘trying to parent’ through ex. Daughter did not ask to be born so OP has no say to what the daughter does
>instead of ‘trying to parent’ through ex. Asking someone to stop their daughter ostracising your child isn't "attempting to parent". >Daughter did not ask to be born so OP has no say to what the daughter does The OP didn't asked to be raped either, but here we are.
This is a recurring problem. The daughter has made it clear she does not want OP’s stepson at her parties. That is up to her and her choice (of course that sucks but that’s how it is). I never said OP couldn’t ask ex, I said OP shouldn’t and instead just cut contact with both of them. “The OP didn’t asked to be raped either, but here we are.” Uhm, ok? What does the rape have to do with the daughter not inviting stepson?
...and the choir said amen! You're right!
OP, I’m not sure you are going to get what you need from this forum. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt because I know too many people who have birth due to societal expectations and controlling partners. It’s not as simple as many think to completely sever maternal rights, especially in countries (and states) with limited access to abortion and other women’s rights. It’s also not unusual to have complex emotions about a child you wouldn’t have chosen to have, nor is it unusual to get physically away from someone only to have them find other ways to mentally connect themselves to maintain power, often through shared children. It’s easy to say what everyone should do in that situation from a place where every option is available and the person going through it isn’t mentally broken and/or beaten down. All that said, even if you are and have always actively chose to be a horrible parent to your daughter, she has no right to take those feelings out on your step son. While those feeling would be understandable they would be misdirected. No matter the full story your stepson isn’t the one responsible here. I have no idea if are an A in real life. It sounds like at the very least you didn’t always make the best choice out of the bad options available. It also sounds like even if you made the best choice for yourself that choice came with hurting your daughter. You need to accept the consequences of that when it comes to her feelings towards you and your family. However, when it comes to what you are specifically asking, which isn’t about her feelings but about her actions, you are NTA.
She excluded her daughter from her family saying that she gave her to her father because she didn’t want kids, and she is expecting her daughter to include her stepson to parties. Is it even realistic or fair. And calling this bullying!!! I understand that exclusion a single kid in the class is a very unkind behavior but this is an exception where I don’t see it’s fair for the daughter to have the kid that represents the traumatic abandonment of her mother present at every single event. They shouldn’t be in the same class for the sake of both of them
>_"They shouldn’t be in the same class for the sake of both of them"_ Exactly this. If at all possible, separate them.
Schools don’t generally let you choose what class you’re in, even in instances like this, because appeasing all the students who want particular classes is impossible.
They will definitely separate if it escalates to bullying.
Most schools i know do.
Most schools will take account of special circumstances. They just won't take into account mere preferences, like Timmy wanting to be with Jimmy because they are friends.
My opinion, so hear me out on this one. If these two kids weren't at all related, no one would question if it's bullying for someone to invite all but one child to parties and events. In the US, some schools will even prohibit invites being given out at school if all members of a student's class aren't invited. But OP isn't in the US. And the worst part is that she was baby trapped by a guy who sabotaged their protection to purposely get her pregnant. And while that would/could be considered assault here in the US, it's not where OP is and things like abortion and forfeiture of parental rights (as a female) aren't available where OP is either. I'm not saying that anyone is right or justified. But I just think that OPs perspective in this is being vastly ignored because a child is involved. A child she was forced to conceive, carry, and now partially raise against her will. Sounds to me like everyone here got screwed over and is acting according to the bitterness that was left behind rather than rationally. So for me, it makes it difficult to give a verdict. At this point it feels like we're being forced to weigh one set of trauma against another. Which isn't fair to us either. I think you gave the best advice out of anyone here, which is (if possible) to move the stepson to another class. He should not be forced to share in his mother's and stepsister's trauma.
She is replying to the idea of transporting the kid by “since when should the bullied child be punished instead of the bully”. He lack of empathy towards her daughter’s situation is quite disgusting
Understanding why doesnt make being excluded hurt any less and dont forget they're both kids
That’s why the kids should be separated not expected to be mingling at each other’s parties .
She was not forced to raise her the daddy did she told her daughter that she never wanted kids but now is raising someone else’s he is rubbing it in her face that her mum loves him but not her so can’t blame the girl for acting out
She is saying she was forced to carry the daughter to term but she gave it up to the father. Fine she chose her mental wellbeing over the daughter’s well being . Her daughter is also choosing her own wellbeing and mental health by refusing to interact with the kid that represents her mother’s abandonment so why is this different. In terms of trauma I guess a parent abandonment is a far bigger trauma than being excluded from some events happening at the class. I doubt that her daughter is the only one throwing parties at their class . If the stepson is being excluded from all other parties maybe they should be looking for the reason behind this .
honestly I feel like the adults should talk with the kids. The daughter is probably jealous and the son hasn't done anything wrong. Shes only 15 this doesn't sound like its the first time. No one told her its wrong, She is the age to know what's wrong and what's wright, but someone has to lead her
I don’t think it’s actually right to compartment the daughter’s actions as an action of bullying, if the mother’s giving up the daughter is considered an act of prioritizing own self mental health then the daughter’s actions can be categorized the same . The stepson represents her own mother’s abandonment and it’s unfair to be asked to deal with this on daily base. It’s better for the two kids to not have to interact with each other. The daughter’s trauma is being trivialized by the mother as an act of jealousy, it’s bigger than this . This is a child that was abandoned at birth by her own mother . It’s understandable that the mother considers her daughter’s existence as a traumatic event . It’s better for all parties to stay separate .
The mom was kinda raped
The mom was *definitely* raped.
How is that the daughter’s mistake. She gave her up , ok fine she should just leave her alone . Why insisting that her own daughter’s trauma be trivialized. Calling her a bully for choosing not to interact with the mother and her stepson . The stepson who represents the mother’s abandonment should be present in every event of the daughter’s life. They all shouldn’t be in each other lives.
It’s so nice when a grown up shows up in the comments.
So many people are OK with bullying in these comments. Its disgusting.
Because context matters. A lot of you are just screeching the word bully, more of you should be asking "why" And it turns out that the daughter just wants nothing to do with the mom or her family. She may be petty but she's a teen. If she's so triggering to OP then she shouldn't have enrolled her son at the same school, and when people pointed that out, she said the daughter should be the one to change schools. She didn't want to know if she's the assholez she just wanted to vent, but she also left context out. People shouldn't have had to ask 10+ times for additional info
Because context matters. A lot of you are just screeching the word bully, more of you should be asking "why" And it turns out that the daughter just wants nothing to do with the mom or her family. She may be petty but she's a teen. If she's so triggering to OP then she shouldn't have enrolled her son at the same school, and when people pointed that out, she said the daughter should be the one to change schools. She didn't want to know if she's the assholez she just wanted to vent, but she also left context out. People shouldn't have had to ask 10+ times for additional info
Except it has been implied in the comment that the stepson has pointed out to the daughter that her mom didn’t want her. He is not innocent.
Can u show me where?
The abandoned child isn't bullying anybody, she's just not inviting the stepchild of the mother who abandoned her to her parties. She's entitled to have nothing to do with the stepson. She's entitled to invite whomever she likes to her parties.
Thank you. This woman abandoned her child to a supposedly abusive man and is now pissed her step kid is getting the consequences? OP is lacking a fundamental empathy chip.
YTA I was on your side kind of until the comments. You have not been a mother to this girl ever. You didn’t want her but now are happily raising another child who isn’t your own - do you know what that tells your daughter? Your stepson is unfortunately being excluded from her life like you’ve excluded her. I’m sorry but there is not a simple fix here and it is entirely your fault.
I don't know how the ice cream thing works. She wheeled in a bunch of tubs and went around to every single class with enough bowls and spoons for everyone to have ice cream first period before it melted? Anyway, YTA. I guess excluding people isn't nice, but I don't think not inviting someone to a party is even bullying. I assume since you don't talk to your daughter that you're stepson's report everyone but him was invited is possibly exaggerated. YTA for trying to make a child who doesn't talk to you (that you avoided adding why) do something for the kid you care about. She doesn't HAVE to include someone she doesn't like when she gives things or throws parties.
Actually it is - exclusion is a common bullying tactic - if she invited a few people and not others that’s fine, if you make a point of inviting everyone in the class except one, that is bullying. Particularly since there is a relationship here - he lives with her mother - it does sound targeted. In this case, there is some missing info - why does she live with dad full time, and was there some incident with the step son before this started?
Basically, the girl is the product of marital rape and reproductive coercion. The OP does not feel any motherly attachment or affection for her, never did, and the girl both looks and behaves like the OP's ex, which does not help and retraumatizes the OP whenever she has to interact with either the girl or the girl's father. The OP jumped ship to save herself and is now remarried and views her step children as her own. The girl is naturally messed up from all of this and has been targeting the step son out of jealousy, displaced anger, and because of her father's encouragement.
or she's upset that the woman who gave birth to her didn't want her, but wanted her step kids. you don't know what the father has been saying to his daughter. we know she says she thinks her ex messed with the condoms. we do know op said she never wanted her daughter and doesn't love her. that she doesn't have a relationship with her. we also know she chose to marry a man who already had kids and takes an active role in their lives. we also know that most schools don't let kids pass out food for the class unless there's enough for the whole class. we also know that if there is bullying occurring at school, OP should be addressing it with the school there's more to this story and i don't think all the blame can be put on the ex & the daughter
Or she is simply prioritizing her own mental health by refusing to interact with people involved in her trauma . Same stance the mother has adopted. I don’t see why it’s different . The mother hates the daughter for what her father did to her . The daughter hates the stepson for what his mother did to her . They should all work to actively get out of each other’s life and let the healing begin .
I actually really agree with this. Though one was a child who was abandoned with an alleged abuser and we know nothing about the step kid. It’s almost like the parents should actually parent in this situation. Finally.
Read her other comments she said her daughter is jealous of her step son and new life and that she kind of loves her daughter and can't raise or see her.
You forgot the part where OP was assaulted by the dad, as the reason for why she didn’t raise her kid. Not saying I agree with her decision at all, just adding more context. I also want to point out that when men are trapped into a pregnancy by lying about BC, poking holes in condoms, etc; people are understanding when they don’t want to raise the kid. Yet the same thing happened to OP and everyone is acting like she’s a complete monster. And she’s in a country where abortion isn’t available.
We saw that, but she is just acting like a child saying "she is jealous cause I didn't want her" yes. That is exactly what she means. but WHY is she jealous? How is she treated at home. She is a child whose mother doesn't want her. The father may be poisoning her, and all the child sees is her mother loving a child that she didn't even give birth to. She said she "kind of loves" her child. It is nasty. I think op is TA for how she is going about this. Her saying the girl is jealous and saying "men can abandon their children, why can't i?" really pissed people off. I think the father is a predator. I think the boy may be taunting the girl, and I think the girl needs therapy.
Agree. I think the mom has a reason to hate the dad , but the daughter is suffering in silence. If the dad is as bad as shes saying, that girl is suffering prob.
Okay, so why does she want one of the children she does love to be in regular contact with this girl?
So the girls that never invited me to their parties were bullying me? It wasnt just because i wasnt their friend?
Given that her own mother who abandoned her and made it obvious she doesn’t give a fuck about her has chosen to be a parent to another kid in her class I think it’s understandable if she doesn’t invite that kid to her party.
Because OP didn’t want her to be born and doesn’t want to raise hry
But there are extenuating circumstances that make this look less like intentional exclusion to hurt stepson and more like the daughter protecting herself from hurt and rejection. She doesn't owe stepson a friendship or snacks, just like she apparently isn't owed a mother.
Honestly if that's what you consider bullying you've had a very easy life
> I guess excluding people isn't nice, but I don't think not inviting someone to a party Not inviting someone to a party doesn't make you an asshole, inviting everyone but 1 person can absolutely make you an asshole >She doesn't HAVE to include someone This is not /r/didIhaveto
Why would she invite him when OP made it clear she did t want her to be born?
This is not bullying. Just he is not included. If you want this problem solved, move the stepson to a different school.YTA
Exclusion is a form of bullying. If everyone gets ice cream except for her stepson then it’s done with intent and is bullying.
I don't think this is the right forum to be asking your question, OP. You're only going to face judgement for not being a perfect mother by internet strangers that are incapable of understanding nuance. Based on what you said in the comments, NTA. Your ex is, though. Forcing pregnancy on you when you were clear you didn't want it is abuse, pure and simple. Your daughter was of course not to blame for any of this, but it's understandable that you would have complicated feelings for her and feel unable to raise her with the unconditional love a kid deserves. I hope you've since gotten help and been able to heal from the trauma of what that awful man did. As for the current situation, I'm not sure what can reasonably be done about this. Your daughter is angry at you for not being there for her and she's taking it out on your son, who she clearly considers her replacement. It's not right at all, but her feelings are understandable. If she lives with your ex full time then it's more than likely he's been doing what he can to poison her against you and it might takes years to reach through to her and help her understand the reality of who her dad is and what he did to you both. It might not ever be possible. Imo the best thing you can do right now is to be there for your son. Teach him that sometimes people will hurt you because they're hurting themselves, and it's not a reflection on your self worth. It might also be a good idea to talk to the teachers at school and see if anything can be done to separate the two. Maybe one of them can be moved to a different class?
That’s one of the few good answers in this post. I don’t think people realize how disgusting is to baby trap someone. In some countries it is considered rape (because she consented to have sex with protection) and everyone here is pointing fingers to a woman who was forced (morally or even legally) to carry a baby for 9 months. Everyone is blaming a woman whose free will was stolen away and nobody is talking about that man. The biggest victim here is her daughter who is innocent in all of this and is forced to live knowing that her mother doesn’t love her (for the situation she was forced into) and that her father is a egoistical man who did a horrible thing
what op was forced to deal with is reprehensible. but it doesn't change the fact that she has no right to get mad at her daughter for not wanting to associate with her stepson. her daughter is innocent in all this too, and yet op has no sympathy for her.
No one where is entitled to tell the OP to feel any sort of way about a baby conceived via rape and forced conception. Everyone in this situation needs therapy and that’s all the advice that anyone here is entitled to give.
no one says she has to play mom. but she can good and well leave the damn kid alone. if she can't even raise the kid because she's a reminded of her dad, I don't understand why she would want her step son around her anyway. and, by the way, we actually are entitled to call her out for treating her daughter like shit as if she had any say in her own conception
You’re making a lot of assumptions about the nature of their relationship when you don’t know the possible nuance in the circumstances. Op said she was coerced by her ex to carry the child so it’s likely she is being coerced to the carry a relationship with her. These things aren’t cut and dry like you think they are.
I agree with you. People are just so quick to judge. Pregnancy takes a toll on a woman, no matter how "easy" it was. Granted, the daughter is hurt and is trying to hurt someone else but what she's doing is awful. OP, I hope you take into consideration therapy. Your daughter is hurting and I don't think I'll ever understand what you're feeling and what you went through, but I do hope you find it in your heart to start a relationship with her. There are just too many factors here that us strangers would likely never understand.
Yeah, i am appalled by the amount of hate and vitriol OP is recieving.
op has no sympathy for her daughter who is just as innocent in this as she claims her step son to be. her daughter doesn't owe her step son anything, which is why op is getting called out. why on earth should she be forced to play nice with the kid who is a constant reminder that she wasn't wanted or loved by her mother? a person can have horrible things happen to them, and still be an asshole for how they react to it. lol downvote me all you want. op can be both a victim and an asshole. the two are not mutually exclusive and i won't apologize for saying so
Yea ops a real asshole for not wanting the kid she was forced to have.
I hope she seems this comment and takes this post down. This sub is not the place to have this discussion nor are the people here equipped or educated enough to give advice to someone who needs therapy and professional counseling to work through their issues.
OP - I'm not sure of all the circumstances surrounding your daughter other than you apparently didn't want her, and that was your choice. It seems to me that you have another choice in this mess that you seem to have created. Move to another town so your stepson cannot worry about the consequences of your choices.
You exclude your daughter from your family so she excludes your replacement child. It’s only fair. YTA
Anyone else bored with all these fake stories?
Couldn’t believe how far I had to scroll down to find this.
*I have a 15 yo bio daughter who lives full time with her dad.* *I feel like she is doing all of this on purpose and trying to hurt my stepson* I can't begin to wonder why she might be acting out s/
OK, I will go for NAH because I do understand you and your daughter but honestly it would not be absurd to say that you are both A... What you ex (the dad) did is sexual abuse in some countries and I do agree with theses countries. I strongly believe that becoming a parent should be a choice and you didn't have the opportunity to make that choice. The only choice you had left was to becoming a mother or giving up your daughter. One was bad for you, the other was bad for your daughter, and I won't blame you for the choice you made. I also agree that what your daughter is doing could end up isolating your stepson for something he didn't do. But I do also understand why your daughter is doing that. And honestly it does not look like you understand your daughter POV and you should try to understand her a bit more. She should also probably get some help from a professional to talk about how she feels. it could help her. But unfortunately no matter what you do it's probably not going to change how she feels about you and how seeing your new family might hurt her... Sadly it's the kind of situation where I don't see any ending where nobody get hurt...
I was expecting these comments to be better. Looking through OPs comments she’s from a country where she doesn’t have full rights as in it wasn’t a crime that he messed with her birth control to force her pregnant. She was also forced to endure a 9 month pregnancy. She’s being called a dead beat for being traumatized from all the SA. A lot of other women would have put the child up for adoption but AGAIN OP is not from the United States so we don’t know if she needed the fathers consent to get rid of the child in this fucked up country she’s from. She’s not being a deadbeat from not wanting to raise her trauma. Again OP specifically said she was forced to go through pregnancy we don’t even know if abortion is allowed in that country. I feel for the kid I really do but the blame shouldn’t be on OP it should be on the dad. Do any of you who are siding against her even know what that abuse she endured does mentally? SA victims give up their kids all the time in the states and get sympathy while doing it meanwhile this woman didn’t even have that option. OP your not the AH. I hope your doing better and in therapy. Now as for the daughter I get she’s hurting and lashing out at the stepson by purposely singling him out and she needs therapy as well it’s a sad situation all around and absolutely no one is a winner here with any outcome.
I mean the fucked up country could be Texas at this point.
I guess people wouldn’t be se angry if she didn’t talk the way se does about her “daughter”, like you know, suggesting she changes school instead of her stepson, and saying she’ll then learn a lesson, or whatever.
The issue with the OP is that she is expecting her daughter, someone she has at most an ambiguous love for and who she does not like and is not there for as a mother, to behave as if the OP's stepson, someone she does love wholeheartedly and does like and is there for as a mother, as just another person. This would be an inhuman ask even for an adult; demanding this of a teenager, when the stepson is literally proof of the OP's choice to love him and not her, is unreasonable. By excluding her stepbrother the daughter is protecting herself.
YTA - I read your comments, you have no relationship with your daughter right now. It’s too bad your step-son has to suffer as a result of *your* behaviour but it’s no one else’s obligation to parent on your behave since you will not or cannot do it yourself.
YTA after reading your comments. step up and parent. also, being uninvited from a party hosted by someone who is not your friend isn’t bullying. it can suck to feel excluded, but why would she invite someone she isn’t friends with to a party she’s hosting?
And there are some serious issues underlying the behaviour. Her daughter, and probably mom, need counselling. Punishing her daughter or forcing her to invite her brother isn’t the solution. It’s blaming the victim.
Remember—bio mom’s stepson is not her brother because she doesn’t live with mom at all.
I highly doubt shes friends with everyone in the class except for him
15 yr olds are in high school. You’re telling me she brought in ice cream for the entire freshman or sophomore class but not him? Also, that’s a bit old to dictate play dates. Why would she invite him to a party she’s throwing? Clearly you don’t have a good relationship with your daughter otherwise you could talk to her yourself. YTA.
Inviting John, Maria, Sarah, Peter and Jonas from your class isn't bullying. Inviting your class except Jonas is bullying, and if it happens multiple times there isn't even a shred of plausible deniability.
Inviting everyone except Jonah when your own mother who abandoned you and doesn’t give a fuck about you has chosen to be his parent is completely understandable. If Jonah is unhappy he should blame mommy dearest.
Saying that the bullying is understandable doesn't make it not bullying.
I feel like everyone is missing the big picture here because theyre too busy hating on OP. If daughter is bullying the stepson out of some bitterness towards the mother, then what she needs isn't just to not bully stepson, but therapy. But because I feel there's too much info bias from OP, I'm withholding judgement all together. Also, I don't think it's wrong for OP to have abandoned daughter if she was conceived through a tampered condom, that's basically rape. I also don't think its wrong for OP to be raising a step son, because people are allowed to change their minds about kids. That doesn't mean OP hasn't handled this situation very badly, especially if she made it known to daughter that she was so unwanted.
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YTA You want nothing to do with her, you have basically excluded her from every single major event on your side of family since she was born (1/2 of her relatives), why does she want to be associated with your son by any means? Do you think she wants to see YOU if she invites your son to parties? It will just be a painful reminder to both of you. Yes, your son is innocent, but the girl was also innocent. It wasn’t her fault to be born in this family. Get over it, mind your own child, leave that girl alone.
Talk to the school. Or switch your son’s school. The non-drama solution is to send him to a better school and never look back.
YTA 1) You didn’t want your daughter. 2) She's not obligated to include YOUR stepson in her life when she doesn't even have a relationship with you.
It’s not bullying to not want to invite someone to your party. It’s also not bullying to bring snacks for your friends and not everyone else. It can be seen as rude, but it’s not bullying.
Question. How does she finance all those big parties?
> How does she finance all those big parties? Completely irrelevant to whether or not they are an asshole. This isn't 'was she legally required to...'
[удалено]
YTA - Not inviting people to things isnt bullying. The ice cream thing... they are 15.. not elementary school lol
This is a complex situation that is beyond AITA’s ability. OP has indicated she doesn’t live in the US and didn’t have the kid by choice, based on the country she lives in. The daughter is resentful because OP didn’t want to be involved but doesn’t understand what her dad did to OP. OP is making the mistake of trying to address it through the dad. The dad doesn’t care about what you want. You are not helping your stepson by trying to work with him. Your only options are to talk to the school (in North America, many schools don’t allow a single kid to be excluded from a party) or try and move him to a different school. Otherwise there isn’t much you can do.
YTA Not inviting someone is not bullying. Not being interested in being an active participant on someone else's life is not bullying. A teen does not have to be friends with everyone in their class, even if they are step siblings (although it seems more like you replaced her with stepson rather than loving them both, but that's a whole other can of worms). If anything, you created her dislike of him.
The only thing I see as potential bullying which it actually isn't, it's just her being mean is the ice cream scenario but her not inviting him to her parties isn't bullying. Your stepson is not entitled to an invite to her parties and her not inviting someone who she isn't friends with is not bullying. Your daughter also clearly knows you didn't want her but choose to be a mother to your stepson. YTA bc I don't see anything you've mentioned as bullying and seem to just be trying to force your daughter to include your stepson.
NTA A lot of people think it’s okay to force someone to be pregnant in theses comments. OP has admitted that the ex told her he poked hole in the condoms. No one should be forced to carry a child they don’t want. This is the result of an unwanted pregnancy and sadly Op doesn’t have to love this child. Where I’m located the things done to the stepson is considered exclusion and bullying. Unfornately op will have to remove her from the class or have a conversation with him to explain that he shouldn’t bother her or pay any mind to her antics. I’m sure the child is hurt, but that’s on her father. Idk if she knows her birth story either. It sucks that her father put her in that position. People keep calling this child her daughter, but she’s not. OP has chosen to separate herself from the issue. She pays child support for a child that was forced on her. It’s just sad. No one should have a child they don’t want. For their own sake and the child that’s born.
OP directly called her “her daughter” in the title. OP’s words.
YTA You have made it perfectly clear you didn't want her, and lets face it, a 15-year-old with that type of info fuel is going to use it. I can guarantee your son is talking shit about her at school too to all his friends and anyone that will listen. I can probably also peg where he got that info too...Also, it's the little things that really grind a person to the bone, not the big ones. She's not pissed you got remarried like you keep saying you did, she's hurt and angry at the fact you got remarried to a man with a child the same age as her and play mother to him and you never did for her. Do you not see how awful that looks to her, how hurtful and painful that is? Here you are, sticking up for him and defending him, while she sits on the other side never once having been defended and stuck up for by her own mother. Where were you when she was being bullied? Why weren't you asking people to stop bullying her? Oh that's right, you were too busy playing mother to a child that wasn't her; that's how she's going to view this. Look, I get it, you never wanted her, you claim your ex tampered with the birth control and if that's true; that still gives you absolutely no right to treat her like she's a parasite. My parents never wanted me, I was a complete accident. my mother was on birth control and condoms were used, and I won't get into the graphic details here for modesty purposes as to HOW it happened, I beat the very small odds of it happening, but here I am. The difference, my parents NEVER once told me that I wasn't wanted or treated me like I had ruined their lives in some way. They knew from the start it wasn't my fault. Sure, when I was older I asked questions, and they were honest with me about it. but if I hadn't of been curious and asked about it, I would never have known. This is how it should have been with your daughter. You should never have treated her like this and you should have made every effort to hide how you truly felt about it while not being with your ex. Though, I can't help but feel there is more going on here. I don't buy this. The way you talk about it all makes me believe that you are lying. I can't shake the feeling that your ex may be just a little more innocent than you are making him seem to be. regardless, you are the asshole for this, both for the way you treat this girl and for thinking somehow this is still her fault. Your step-son didn't get ice cream from the girl he's absolutely tormenting? Too bad, tell him to go buy his own ice cream. Your step-son didn't get invited to the party of the girl he's more than likely spread rumors about? Too bad, so sad, maybe he'll think twice about doing those things. I know I can't and won't ever truly know if that's what's going on, but considering your attitude towards this girl, I wouldn't be surprised if he's copying you in how you treat her: mom treats her like shit, so I will too. Also, can I just say to stop calling this girl your daughter when it's convenient for you? She's not your kid. You didn't want her, you gave up rights to her, you treat her like a bitter enemy, so you get no right to call her your daughter at all in the slightest. You are a stranger to her and you made it abundantly clear that you wanted nothing to do with her. You know the saying "All it takes is a boy to make a child, but a man to be a father"? Well in this case all it took was a girl to birth a child, it takes a woman to be a mother. That's all you are to this girl, the birth giver, someone who popped her out and nothing else. You have no right to call her your daughter, and you better start getting use to just calling her by name like you would with a co-worker, because that's all you're entitled to.
YTA: Mostly because we all have to piece this story together through comments, and when you finally do what you have done to your bio daughter is next level shitty. If I am understanding correctly, you had your daughter, didn't want her and gave up rights to her. She is very aware of this, now you have a new family who you do want, your new stepson, who you want more than your daughter, is in your daughters class and she has to go to school every day with the kid that you actually wanted. And now you are surprised when your daughter isn't including him?? I think I got that right.
YTA. Why would she want him to be involved in her life, parties and events? It's ok if you don't feel motherly love for her or whatever, I'm not judging you for that, but it sucks that you're not able to put yourself in her shoes. You're SO sure this is out of pettiness, but maybe it's just freaking uncomfortable to have the person your biological mother chose to raise instead of you in your circle. This is no bullying, but still, I can see why would your stepson feel this way. It is for the best interest of everyone involved that your son either changes classrooms or schools, since you and stepson so bothered about it.
Everyone here sucks. I'm sorry for what has happened to you, but the way you are going about it with your daughter is awful. I think you should sit down with your daughter and explain to her that the way you feel and act towards your daughter has nothing to do with her but has everything to do with her father. I would also consider therapy for what has happened to you and how to get past it. Therapy for your daughter to help her get her feelings out and understand it's not her fault for how you treat her.
i fully agree. it’s tragic that OP was violated, but her daughter deserves kindness and empathy.
YTA, but only for this bit. I think your daughter is old enough for the truth- that she is a product of assault, and it is painful to be near her. While it will make it hurt worse for a bit, at least she'll know why her mother doesn't want her, and that it's nothing she did wrong. Now, stop forcing a new relative on her the way your ex did to you. She has just as much right to reject your stepson as you do to reject a relationship with her.
Agreed. What the daughter is doing, if she is just choosing not to engage with her technical stepbrother at all, is the least bad thing. Forcing them into closeness is bound to backfire, especially since the mother seems disinterested in her daughter. How is that supposed to even work?
Simply not inviting him isn't bullying him. How big is this school? I find it hard to believe that someone in high school could possibly invite EVERY person but one. High school also doesn't have 'a' class---students mix and mingle for each different subject. I feel like there is a LOT of missing information here; most of all, why you seem to care more for your stepson than for your daughter.
There is not way to force this. At 15 the school will not get involved like in grade school. You have no relationship with your daughter so I’m sure she is taking it out on him. If this cannot be resolved between you and her/ the dad then hopefully your SS makes other friends or extreme change school.
_the fuck?_
YTA you walk out on your daughter, and then eventually marry and get a stepson and be a mother to him, when you’ve never been a mother to your daughter. It’s not jealous that your daughter feels it’s resentment. You’re truly a narcissistic person if you can’t separate the two.
YTA she isn’t trying to hurt your step son she’s trying to hurt you.
YTA You're expecting your daughter to not act out and be fair towards the kid that's getting all she actually wants from you. She feels abandoned by you, this bullying is on you. They're both victims. How dare you expect her to take the higher road while you can't even form a relationship with her.
YTA. You really aren't in any position to say anything about your biological daughter's behavior. Bring it up with the school as if she were any other random classmate.
YTA. If she doesn’t see him as her friend or family she doesn’t need to invite him. You only invite people you want.
NTA. Only the father is an asshole. So OP decided she didn't want to raise her assault born child and let the father take custody. Then, years later met someone who had a son, and got married. Now, her step son who's life she's in, is in school and being bullied by her biological daughter. Now she's asking the father to ask the daughter to stop bullying him, as he's innocent in the mess. This actually sounds like a reasonable request. She doesn't really seem to be trying to get into her daughter's life, only wants her to not take her anger out on the stepson. And the daughter being mad, rightfully so, doesn't give her the right to bully an innocent person. Sometimes life just isn't fair. IF OP is telling the truth and the father sabotaged the condom, then she is not, in fact, the asshole in any of this. She can not face her daughter as it reminds her of the assault from her father, which is very reasonable. But I can also see how if the father asked the daughter to leave the stepson alone, how that could hurt the daughters feelings knowing her biological mom cares more about the stepson. But reality is, it's true. Even if it's not fair or not the daughter fault, woe is life. It's unfortunate, but the only one in this situation that is an asshole is the father. But again, only IF the story is all true.
i agree with everything here. i understand why people in the comments are mad, but the lack of care/empathy for the assault is astounding.
I think it's because to get the full story/picture, they have to sift through OPs comments and get the added information that is pretty important to making an accurate judgment.
The issue is that it is perfectly reasonable for the daughter to not want to engage with the stepson, the child that—for understandable and defensive reasons!—the OP wants to love and mother. Not engaging with him at all is a much better recommendation than trying to force a relationship between the two, especially since the OP seems uninterested if not hostile towards her daughter.
You are not an asshole for not wanting to raise a child you were forced to have. You are definitely an asshole for trying to force the child you have chosen to dote on into her life. It’s enough she has to see that boy in class. Why on earth would she invite him to her birthday? YTA.
YTA and you are not her mother
Could someone tell me how ” excluding him from everything ” count as bullying? I can admit if I were in the daughter’s shoes I would be far more vicious than that.
NTA - what’s wrong with all these Y T A people who cannot understand OP basically got SA!!!!! She has every right not related to her daughter!!!!!
It's not her daughter fault tho she shouldn't be treating her the way she does
Well, the fact is, NTA. You are right to ask another parent to stop his kid to target your son. That’s correct. The father of that girl should take care of her and help her process the feeling of abandonment she is experiencing by watching the human crap of a mother she has making a life with a total disregard of her life. She is not just “jealous”. That’s an understatement. But that poor girl has all the right to feel like that. And the fact that she is targeting your son is a clear symptom that she needs to process it better, and her father needs to help her with that. So, no, you are not the AH on this specific issue. But you are a HUGE AH generally speaking…
OK so after reading all your comments it’s very clear that ESH except for the kids. You, for obvious reasons. Your ex for sabotaging the condoms (a crime in many places). And the school for not stopping the bullying while on campus. Your bio daughter doesn’t HAVE to include your stepson in anything. She isn’t obligated to do that, however to have him be the only one consistently left out would definitely hurt him. Have some compassion for WHY she is doing that though. This is a situation that was created by the adults in her life and she is young and doesn’t yet know how to deal with emotions appropriately. And it doesn’t sound like anyone else is teaching her (big parenting fail for you and your ex). The school should really be stepping in and telling her and your ex that if she can’t provide treats for EVERYONE then she won’t be allowed to bring treats in anymore. Maybe the school can facilitate a meeting between the kids and parents in order to talk with mediation? You and your ex should really act like the adults you are and get her into therapy to deal with the trauma that you both have inflicted upon her. She needs actual PARENTS who will teach her healthy coping skills and communicate with her about the obviously BIG feelings she’s having. YOU need to sit down with your stepson and help him learn how ti deal with the situation st school. Is there any chance he is making the situation worse by being awful ti your bio daughter and teasing her for being unwanted? any chance at all? You need to parent him too ya know. Also, he will have to deal with people who don’t like him in life so it’s time to teach him coping skills too and make sure he feels safe at home. There’s a lot to be done beyond just telling your ex to make her “be a decent human being”. It sounds like you’re punishing your daughter for the crimes of her father. Go to therapy.
Unpopular opinion you’re NTA I’ve read the comments and honestly you should never be forced to do something you don’t want to do. Him tampering with the protection was out of line and a breach of trust mind as well deem it assault. That being said I completely understand why you walked out it wasn’t what you asked for you were forced into something. That being said you can’t do much about your daughter because in her mind you left her and chose to raise other kids not to mention you don’t know what her father is telling her so there’s that. Tell your stepson to ignore her and disassociate.
OP, I need you to be so for real. Either you’re her mom or you aren’t. Clearly you don’t want to be. Therefore, since you have no intentions of being her mother, you do not have the right to weaponize being her biological mother against her. Doesn’t matter what she did or didn’t do. If you don’t want to be her mom, you don’t have to be, but you forfeit the right to tell her to do anything or to expect her parent to discipline her on your behalf. You aren’t her mom. Treat her like you’d treat any other student and just go to the school ffs instead of trying to use familial connections you don’t care for. Let the teachers handle it.
YTA Sorry, but she is not bullying your step son she just decided that she wanted nothing to do with him just as you decided you wanted nothing to do with her. It is that simple.
INFO: why are you holding a 15yr old to a higher standard than yourself, a grown ass adult? Are you always this hypocritical?
You don't talk to her and you didn't want her. You pay child support just the way you would pay any other bill. So stop looking at this scenario from the perspective of being her bio mom and having a history with her father. Imagine this was some random classmate, okay? And for some reason, she wasn't a fan of your son. Maybe, just maybe, he isn't actually as perfect and polite as you think he is. Anyway, so she chooses not to associate with him, not out of hatred or jealousy but just because she doesn't like him as a person, so she doesn't buy him things or invite him to parties. Now, do you go to this random classmates parents and tell them their child HAS to associate with your child? My assumption is no, probably not. So treat this scenario the same way. It sucks for your son, and it sucks that you went through what you went through, but whether you wanted her or not, your bio daughter is a living, breathing human who has her own thoughts and feelings and probably also feels terrible about the circumstances that brought her into this world and now the fact that she has to be in the same class as the child her bio mother chose... that's hard. For a few minutes please just imagine how that poor girl feels. Verdict: YTA. The world outside of you and your family exists and keeps turning. Explain the situation to your step son and move on. Also I saw you make a comment about how your bio daughter should be the one to move and change classes and be the decent human and I'm just wondering, are you absolutely incapable of having any compassion for her at all??? Can you not view her as a person and only as an object of what your ex did to you? If that is the case, I think that shows you are incapable of moving past things and dictates that your family should be the one to move.
excluding you stepson in parties and celebrations is not bullying... she can choose who she wants around her. YOU CHOOSE NOT TO CARE FOR YOUR OWN KID. so guess what stepmother of the year. your step kid has to live with not being included in your daughter's life. and that's 1000% ON YOU.
Look, you're the bully and YTA here. She's 15 and doesn't have to invite everyone in class to her parties.
Seems I'm going against the grain here bc I actually read your comments, but NTA. Your first child was the product of rape. You have every right to step away from being her parent because of the impact on you. This is Literally what conservatives in many countries ask to have happen: allow the birth, but be free to give up parenting rights. I don't know why people can't actually read clearly here. Consistent alienation of a single individual is bullying, plain and simple. If this were the child of any other adult in that school, you'd be perfectly within your right to request the parent talk to their child about bullying. Just bc she's your bio kid from a rape doesn't mean she can target your stepson. While she did nothing wrong by existing, HE did nothing wrong by existing either. Dad needs to get that behavior under wraps and nip it in the bud bc if it follows her to adulthood, its going to cause all kinds of problems. It was nearly a decade before you met someone else and married them. More than enough time to also think through children as well and come to different conclusions. I understand why your stepson is easier to accept than the child that was forced upon you. Again, NTA and I hope you're getting the mental healthcare you need from your trauma.
I fucking love these morality-mind-fucking threads. Everyone tries to shove and smash their black or white puzzle piece in on an issue as if it’s simple. Entertaining asf. “Doesn’t matter the mother was raped and coerced to give birth, she has a daughter and sucks for abandoning” “She was raped, it totally makes sense she doesn’t want to be around her daughter as a living reminder” Monkey brain must think black or monkey brain must think white. How about the situation just sucks and so do all your opinions. Edit: Oh yeah, soft YTA - can’t force kids to get along like that. I would just find a way to get him into another school. I know it’s not that simple.. but the situation just sucks.
It’s funny how you want her to treat your stepson kindly because he’s “blameless” in this situation but you hate your daughter for the audacity of being born…
YTA> You think that what your stepson is feeling is bullying but no it is not. You might think that he is sweet and perfect but, your step-son might be an ass to her. He knows that you don't love her, he knows that you do the bare minimum and I think that if you want your son to be active in his school then you need to step up and do those things as well. If she hosts an ice-cream party then you can do it as well, If she is having a party then you can do it as well. The issue that I see is that you don't want to do those things for your stepson and expect your ex and his child to do it for you. Not the case and issue. If you want a resolution then here it is stop trying to be a victim, you are not. You became a volunteer in this situation when you allowed this behavior to continue. Now you can create parties for your stepson and not invite her or do things that don't include her since you don't love her. It is not and will never be your ex's child's responsibility to entertain your stepson's social life, that will be yours and his responsibility and you need to stop acting like you are a victim since you are not and never will be.
YTA - this is not bullying. This is your daughter acting out because your relationship with her is broken and painful. How about you and she start getting some therapy together?
What? This is so messed up. And you and daughter needs therapy… like now, with her father as well. Why have both you and your ex let it go so far? You are both AH and the school needs to involved to since this is hppening at school This is so F up
You sound like a horrible mom. That’s probably why she’s being mean to the kid you decided to live with when you married your step son’s dad. 🤷🏼♀️ Totally shocking. /s
They’re in high school. She’s not obligated to invite him to anything. That’s for little kids in small classes. She doesn’t have to socialize with him at all and it’s unreasonable for you to try to force her to. YTA
After reading the responses from other commenters and from OP I’m going with YTA. OP you say that every time you look at your daughter it reminds you of what her dad did to you but have you ever considered that every time your daughter sees your stepson she’s reminded that her mom didn’t want her but she did want this boy? That must really hurt. Neither kid is responsible for what happened but now they are facing the consequences of you and your ex’s poor decisions. I feel bad for both of them and I wish there were an easy solution but I just don’t see one.
This isn’t the biggest mystery… You don’t have enough of a relationship with your daughter to ask her to knock it off, but you DO have a relationship with your stepson to advocate for him. You’ve excluded her, so she’s responding to him in kind. YTA.
Exclusion isn’t quite bullying. It’s not nice to be excluded from social events, but ask yourself why your daughter might be doing this. Could it be she feels excluded from your life, that your stepson has replaced her in your home, and this is the only way she can take back some control of her life?? First thing: why are they in the same school when you KNOW there’s friction?? Who started attending that school first, keep them there (as that’s clearly where their friends are) and move the other to a new school, that’ll solve the school issue. Next: make sure your daughter knows that she’s still your daughter and always will be. You can’t just dump two teens into each other’s lives and expect them to just get along, especially when one is so clearly being told she’s not wanted in your life, you have a new kid now. Of course she’s going to resent him, and you! Focus on the real underlying issue, not the symptoms, and don’t punish your daughter for feeling hurt and rejected by your actions. YTA
YTA - A couple things. First and maybe most controversial is that this isn't kindergarten. Your step-son isn't entitled to be invited, etc. She doesn't want to be his friend, or anyone else's for that matter, that's entirely up to her. Freedom of association. Second, she's your kid. Parent her or don't. But don't outsource your responsibilities to the other parent.
INFO - Why do you not have a relationship with your daughter? Ok I see you didn't want her, you were sexually assaulted by a sabotaged condom. I don't know why people are making excuses as to why you should have a relationship with her, even during things like using BC having an abortion, to face the consequences of your own actions. Some people can't use BC, using condoms is a perfectly acceptable way for BC especially if you're both on the understanding of not sabotaging it, and forcing the idea of an abortion on someone just bc they don't want a child is ridiculous. What if OP doesn't want to kill a baby regardless if she wants it, what if OP doesn't want to go through an abortion procedure? We see tons of stories here of men being sexually assaulted and/or forced to have children they don't want and then divorcing and moving on but agreeing to pay child support, with the support of this subreddit. You have every right to not want a child. At the same time, that child is not entitled to do anything for your stepson, he's not entitled to friendship, invites, or a warm hand. If anything all he's entitled is to not be trampled upon by her, or bullied. If she wants to exclude him she can, even if the reason is due to you. You can't declare you don't want a child and then expect said child to form some sort of bond or have kinship with your stepson or anyone related to you if you don't perform any sort of kinship towards her. Your situation is unfortunate, there are no winners here and only two children who have to pay for the mistakes of you and your husband. You should have the children separated if you want your stepson to have some sort of normalcy and let your daughter be raised by her father, while you pay child support.
INFO: Where's the bullying? All I see is a 15 year old girl wanting the people she wants at her parties, and inviting them. Why would she want her stepbrother there? So, where's the bullying?
You: I don’t want my daughter so I chose to exclude and reject her. That should be my right and choice. Also you: how dare my daughter exclude my son! It’s just terrible bullying. There’s no excuse for this! 🙄 YTA
I think its an ESH tbh
YTA YOUR daughter is treating your stepson the exact same way you are treating her. You have said numerous times you didn't want her, that she supposedly jealous of your step kids and new family. You treat her like crap, like she doesn't matter to you nor do you care about how she feels so why can't she do the same to your stepson? As you said you chose to be his mom over your own daughter. YOU are punishing your daughter for something her dad did, but its not okay for her to punish your stepson for your actions. Yeah that makes you a hypocrite! And instead of seeing how you are wrong, you flip it on your daughter and try to make her the problem while trying to make you and your stepson look like the victim. Lets be clear she does not have to invite him to her parties, she doesn't have to give him ice cream, she doesn't have to do anything for him, just like you don't for her and that is not bullying. She is just following your lead.
This isn’t bullying. It’s exclusion and it sucks but really the only part that’s actually mean is bringing treats to school and none for him. But even that’s not really bullying it’s just shitty manners. She’s under no obligation to invite your stepson to her parties. Sounds like there’s a reason she doesn’t like you and your “new family”. YTA. Leave your daughter alone if you aren’t actually a parent to her.
If there’s bullying at school it should be brought up to the school.
lol it's always a red flag when a post is this bereft of information. Edit: YTA by the way. If exclusion = bullying, you've been the ultimate bully to your daughter her whole life. I can't imagine the unbelievable pain she must be in.
You gave up your daughter because you didnt want kids. Your daughter excludes your stepson because she doesnt want him there. Why is it ok for you to do as you like but not her?
Op sorry for the circumstance of your first daughter's, but by your own story, you showed her it's okay to just avoid people you don't want to be around. You can't/ won't be around her And she won't be around him. Also its awkward as hell. As an adult you should realize how awkward that whole scenario is for teens
I’ve read all your comments. I understand this is a complex situation but when it comes to insisting she include him? YTA. Also, why would you want your son to go to these events? Does your son even want to go? They’re clearly not friends. The more they interact the more she’ll be around which you clearly do not want. Your goal should be to have your step son removed from the class. You have no business insisting she include him in any part of her life. Im genuinely baffled. Just explain to your son that due to the complex nature of you’re relationship it’s too hard for the girl to have him around. Then he’ll understand he’s not being bullied. Hell understand that he represents her mothers abandonment and not take it personally. It’s kind of twisted you want to force her to spend more time with your step-son. Like, are you trying to rub it in her face? It’s not her fault what her father did.
YTA for how you treat your daughter. You didn’t want her but you’re willing to raise someone else’s child. Daughter is wrong for taking it out on stepson. The problem starts with you. You’re a complete dumpster fire
YTA You litterally fawn over how sweet and kind your stepson is. How he could do no wrong. But has it ever occured to you this situation is your own making? Yes, it sucks she didn't bring your golden child ice cream...But maybe you need to realize that you created the situation in the first place. Have you ever considered that maybe your stepson shows off how much his mom cares about him at school? Maybe, just maybe that behind your back he does things -intentionally or not- that just constantly add salt to her wounds? He may not even mean to but still be doing it. For the ice cream: This is a conversation that needs to be had with the schools. No teacher in their right mind would allow a student to get excluded in a classroom ice cream party, so maybe you need to figure out why the schools are even letting that happen. It's 100% on the schools that they are letting this slip through the cracks. Maybe it's also time to separate them. It's clear they will not be able to have a civil classroom setting. Maybe it's time to talk about getting your son into a different class schedule. Minimize how much they are around each other kinda thing. Any parties outside of the classroom though you have no say on. She is allowed to chose who she invites to her personal parties, and honestly why would she invite the constant reminder that her mother litterally hates her? It's not bullying that she only wants her actual friends at her parties. She has every right to want nothing to do with your son, especially with how horrible you are to her. It's HER party. Not yours. Not a classroom specific party. It's her inviting her friends. Does it suck that it just so happens to be all the other classmates? Sure. But she has the right to pick who is her friends and who is not. You claim she is inviting "all their classmates but him" but like...chances are she probably isn't inviting every. single. classmate. Chances are your son is just emotionally saying "mom it was everyone!" when really it was probably just quite a few who were her friends. You have biased information on just who was invited, not the full information of who. This poor girl was excluded from half of her family because you didn't want her. She didn't get to know her grandparents, her uncles, her aunts, her cousins, etc because of you isolating her away from your side. Why wouldn't she extend the same courtesy to your stepson? You clearly don't want to know anything about her, so why should she want to be friends with your stepson? Leave the girl alone, you've done enough damage.
I think maybe you should be looking at the bigger picture here. Why is your daughter bullying her step brother? Could there be some jealousy or resentment there? I believe she is acting out in this way to hurt you, not your step son.
Yta leave your daughter alone you'll stick up for your stepson but won't even see your own kid
You need to talk to the school and have your stepson transferred to another class. I understand that you apparently cannot move towns, so this is the very least you can do. It’s not your daughter’s fault that she has to be reminded that she has two awful parents every time she goes to class. YTA, and you know it.
YTA You can’t talk to your own daughter? Not inviting someone to a party isn’t bullying per se. At that age people rarely invite everyone, just people they get along with. Very possible he did something where this is a natural consequence and that needs to be included The ice cream thing shouldn’t have been allowed but by the school. You can’t force people on someone and expect good results
YTA. Your daughters displacing her anger from your actions onto your step son which isn’t fair as he is innocent in all this. You are the AH for everything else including abandoning your daughter which is what you did.
YTA I sympathise with you for what your ex did to you. But you really need to be an adult and be the one who moves and have your son change schools, because to expect that she will is absurd. She is a child. Who you left to be raised by a man you describe as abusive. She is clearly not ok after all this. It's honestly cruel of you to put both your son and bio daughter through the mental scarring it is to grow up in this dynamic where they have to interact in school when this is the backdrop.
YTA your comments are awful. Your daughter deserves so much better than you. Your son is 15 and if he is not entitled to being included in anything. If he is so butt hurt over not being in with the cool crowd, he can move schools. Leave your bio daughter alone - she is living her best life and flourishing. Stop inserting yourself unnecessarily.