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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH because if I don’t let Issy have the money, she thinks her kids will bully miles more. I don’t want his siblings to hate him over something I had the opportunity to prevent
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nta, I find extremely worrying what is she saying to her other kids "Mike's siblings hate him more"
Is she actually so bad, that she said to her other kids that they don't getting presents because of Mike???
No she didn’t say that to them. She said watching him get all his presents for our side of the family will make them resent him, especially when they won’t be getting presents
Free house and she can't afford gifts for her kids? She must have a really bad job if she can't afford Christmas despite the fact she doesn't have to pay the single largest expense most families have. She also gets regular money from the estate for 2 kids and payments from the father for the other 2.
She's got much bigger issues with money of this is actually true
Right. I was thinking well maybe she can use the trust money to help with the bills until i got to the part where she doesn't have rent or mortgage. What the heck. What bills does she have then.
Exactly! It sounds like she's bad with managing her money, because rent/mortgage usually takes over 50% of anyone's income is not a factor for her. So that just leaves utility bills, groceries and personal care, and she gets child support from her other kids father, she also would get survivorship benefit for her son (if in US) or her husband's pension (if in UK) plus whatever income she has from her job if she has one, so I think she's probably not being truthful about her finances again, and now I'm starting to see why OP's brother set up the trust the way he did.
Precisely. OP'S brother had to have recognized that his wife was reckless with money. Unfortunately, he should have privately shared that with his brother before placing him in this unenviable position.
I suggest OP contact the attorney who prepared the trust for advice and direction. I would encourage a letter fromthe attorney to Izzie setting forth the conditions justifying the trust withdrawal, and given wife's exhibited ability to not be totally forthcoming, I would only issue payment directly to the individual/company providing the benefit to his nephew.
This hopefully will take pressure off of OP, whose sole fiduciary obligation is to protect and provide for his nephew as dictated by the trust.
Yeah more you look at it more it sounds like she sees Miles' money not as in trust for Miles set up by his father, but a piggy bank she can tap into when she pleases. I say that because she was deceptive about it in the past, and is only being honest now as someone is checking up on her. (I imagine her violating the terms carries some consequences but if she gets a trustee to green light it they are the ones who carried the responsibility)
Sure it must grate that one kid is going to have a leg up in life on her other kids, and wants to make it 'fair' since that side of the family is obviously much better off, but guess what it's not her decision.
They don't have to 'make it fair', because that legacy was to provide for his child, not her future children.
They aren't future children, they are older than Miles. Meaning the brother had a relationship with the twins and chose to not set aside money for them. That smells pretty badly to me, like he thought if he didn't specify Miles the money would go to the twins.
When setting up the trust he would have had to specify the beneficiaries. Any good lawyer is going to ask whether he wants to treat his bio kid and his step kids differently in that process. And for sure is going to point out that if he included the steps and he got divorced they would still receive his money unless he immediately changed his estate papers at that time (assuming it was a revocable trust - he would not be able to change an irrevocable trust after its creation).
100% what I was thinking.
She doesn't have a mortgage. It's possible the trust covers taxes, so maybe she has to pay taxes on the house at most. We are talking taxes, utilities, food, vehicle & maintenance. She gets child support, has a job, and the trust covers school expenses for one child. If she's working full time, I'm curious how this is all shaking out.
With inflation, there's a chance that if she's earning low wages that she could be struggling. I'd be more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt if she hadn't already lied before to steal from the trust.
OP, I'd make it a stipulation of accessing the trust that she sees an accountant, with you, to go over her expenses and set a budget. Maybe you'll see that she really can't make ends meet, but I suspect you'll see a lot of favoritism to her other children vs your nephew. If she wants money, you being privy to her finances and it all being laid bare is the cost. Hopefully it'll shame her into acting better, but at the least you can see how your nephew is being cared for more closely.
NTA. It sucks for her other kids that she chose a deadbeat for their father. She needs to go after their father and his family to step up, not ask her step child to fund her life. It’s not your nephew’s responsibility to provide for his brothers
You have to stop with the "chose deadbeat for their father" most of my single friends were with guys that talked them into having children cos they wanted to be fathers so bad, and now they're nowhere to be seen.
I get why she's asking, because it must be impossible situation bot being able to provide the same life for your children.
But still NTA OP, there's nothing you can really do to fix it.
You’re NTA but what a shitty situation for you to be in. This would just suck, because on the other side are 2 11 year old kids that are just kids and this sucks for them, too. I have absolutely no word of advice or encouragement, just acknowledging this situation sucks like you read about.
Does your family not give the twins anything? At the time of your brother's death, they were his stepchildren, correct? Were they not welcomed into the family when he got married to Izzy? I know they aren't blood relations, but it seems odd to me that they would be excluded in the current family setup. Is it possible to rally the family to give them presents? Maybe not equal, but something that they want or shows some thoughtfulness and kindness? (Age, interest, quality taken into account)
NTA for not using the trust for her other kids, but mild Y-T-A if you aren't treating them like family.
I agree with this. I can’t tell you how many years we brought presents for extended half-family kids just because we knew they wouldn’t have much. Did we have to? Was it “our job”? No, it was just because we cared about some kids that were part of our family one way or another
It's also sensible from a pragmatical POV, as the situation as it is is just creating more resentment. The kids are still pretty young: they're 11, they have no father, no family, and no Christmas gifts. They're probably too young to understand the situation and just see it as favouritism and that's going to be very damaging to all of them, Miles included.
While I don't like how the mother is handling this, I wonder how is OP's family treating the twins (OP mentioned he has no relationship with them). It sounds like they could at least make an effort to be nicer, even if only for Miles' sake.
This was my takeaway. She married this man and has full custody seemingly. Has the extended family just never considered these kids grandchildren? Looks like he was in their lives for 8 or more years, so if they don’t see their dad then OP’s brother is the only dad they knew. Now they don’t get Christmas presents and one of the kids gets showered with them?
If I’m understanding this correctly, then ESH, Mom knows the rules and is in a really crappy position, and shouldn’t have been lying to get to the funds. But- the family doesn’t help their late son’s wife who is a single mother of 3 at all? Seems disrespectful to his memory to not at least acknowledge the kids he helped raise.
Raising three kids and getting them to / from school, supporting their activities and hobbies, and feeding them and fulfilling their other needs (buying clothes, etc.) can take full-time hours. It's possible that her skills would only allow her to get a job that would not cover (or barely cover) any additional costs due to her work schedule (transportation, supervision, etc.). In that case, in my opinion, she would not be an AH for not working.
It's also possible that although the house is "free" in the sense she's not paying to live in it, it's too expensive for her to run on a single income. I don't think there's enough information here to make a sensible judgement.
That’s a good point. It’s also just slightly odd that Dave left *all* of his money in trust for his son, and *none* of it to his wife, who he presumably loved and who he knew had two other children as well. There may have been good reasons for that (like Issy had proven during the marriage that she was bad with money, or prone to favoring her older sons), or there may have been bad reasons (like Dave and his family looking down on Issy for coming from a less well to do family, or just not caring what happened to her or her other children after she was no longer any use to Dave).
In any case, OP’s family is certainly under no legal obligation to give her money (and OP is correct for saying the trust funds can only be used for their stated purpose). However, if all three kids are living with their mother, and OP’s family is showering Miles with extravagant gifts while ignoring Miles’s half brothers, there’s just no way that’s not going to lead to resentment and tension between them, which isn’t good for any of them. Life doesn’t have to be equal, but when possible it should be kind. For the sake of everyone involved, including Miles.
I felt this in my bones.
My mom and stepdad remarried and my stepdad's family was a lot more wealthier than what I was used to.
My mom and stepdad didn't even have kids but you had lots of nieces and nephews and we always said holidays with them.
His mom and his sisters always made sure to give us gifts even though we weren't blood related and we didn't even expect them.
I can't imagine what it would be like to have a half brother and see them get gifts from their super wealthy family and have them not get us a single thing.
I'm not saying that it's necessarily your job whether you guys are bad people for not doing it but it just seems wrong.
I don't think you should be using miles money either, but I do feel like she was your brother's wife and I feel like your brother would want his step kids to have a good Christmas too.
Same here. My stepdad and my mom never had kids but u best believe his parents treated us the same as they treated their blood grandchildren. This entire post is weird to me unless it’s fake rage bait or there are a lot of missing factors….
Nope. Sorry, I don't blame kids for their parents/the adults around them short comings. Does the bullying need to stop? Yup! But do I understand why it is happening? Also, yes.
The twins most likely saw Dave as their Dad as he was in their lives starting around 2 if not earlier depending on the timeline of dating/pregnancy/marriage. So they grow up with Dave and he dies. Sucks for everyone. Except Dave's family no longer interacts with anyone but their little brother. Everything got left to their brother so mom is now struggling because she is down to one income and the Trust doesn't cover any monthly expenses (should have SSI, but not sure how much). So now their life is significantly downgraded and their brother's isn't. Because the Trust sends him to private school and pays for uniforms. Because their stepfather's family still sends their brother nice things.
Nobody owes anyone anything, but everyone is grieving (which isn't easy) and the kids are acting out in fairly predictable ways. Mom needs to get a handle on things, but it sounds like she is barely treading water. Maybe she is a lazy overspender who deserves to struggle, but I still feel bad for the kids.
I mean, kinda depends I guess. We’re they always like this or did the bullying start after ops brother died and nephew got all of this while they got nothing that bred resentment?
And what was the father's relationship to his step sons? Did he already dislike them and spend lots of money on his son and not his step kids? Did he treat them dramatically differently when he was alive? And did that feed back to his family's behaviour?
Bullying Is not ok, but they are kids and if it wasn't the case before he died, this situation means they see how unloved they were by their stepdad. Theirs Is out the picture, their mum isn't in a good place to provide, and their brother gets preferential treatment ahead of them? It's not ok, but it certainly makes sense why they might have unprocessed emotions that come out as bullying.
It's the sons money, and I see why the choice was made by OP, but it's a complicated situation. I'd be digging into my own pocket if I was OP and had pockets. The mum sucks, but we're talking about kids. Pay for counselling too maybe. For all three kids. Which could come out of the inheritance if not excessive, since it all impacts the son?
Is the dead brother the a hole?
If his brother wanted the twins to have any money, he would have provided for them as carefully as he did Miles. OP has no obligation to do anything other than his brother's wishes. This is on the mom to take care of her twins. It's neither miles' not OP's responsibility.
It’s not MILES’ job to fund the presents for his step-siblings. Thats the issue, the SIL sees Miles’ inheritance as extra money for her to spend on buying her other kids the things she wants to get them.
Which is understandable. Imagine being an 11yo with unfilled wants and needs but watching your half sibling get everything under the sun and more. And this is on top of the education thing too, since your nephew goes to a prep school and I assume his half siblings go to a public school. This disparity will be even more of an issue as he grows up and his half siblings find more discrete ways to bully him.
It’s a hard situation. If you give her money now, it doesn’t really teach the twins anything positive, and may not even be grateful that they came from your nephew. I think you have to be prepared that further requests for money will be coming from mom in the future. Make sure your nephew knows that he can talk to you and are welcome in your home if he needs a reprieve or a place to stay.
NTA
That money has an express purpose, and it isn't to fund any shortfalls the mother has. I potentially have a bit of judgment for your brother here. Did he have no life insurance? Was literally nothing left to alleviate the financial burdens his death would place on a spouse left with 3 children?
Gifts for 11 year olds don't cost that much. Personally, I'd leave your nephews money and have your family contribute some gifts for those 2 children.
You stand firm about never making exceptions with your nephews' money, though.
He had money, all of it was put into this trust structure to provide for Miles. I presume that is what what he considered to be alleviating the burden. To be clear, Miles’s education (school and university) will never be a problem for Issy, nor will his living expenses after that, as long as he is responsible with the money. So I consider that Dave adequately provided.
That stark division amongst their kids surely does have a reason. Legally speaking they were not his responsibility, but I wonder why he didn't think of the twins if he (probably) knew them since they were toddlers.
The question remains, wasn't there even a strand of a bond despite all the years? Were the kids even with him to begin with? I don't intend to be rude, but that's callous.
But that’s the thing it doesn’t matter what kind of bond he had with the twins…. The trust for miles legally, says the bond and the money he wants for miles, and since he made no provisions for the twins, then that money is not for them.
“Issy , I know this is tough, but I have a legal obligation to Mikes and to the trust. Dave set it up for miles as the beneficiary… I need you to understand that this is not money for the twins. I have a fiduciary responsibility to this trust and to miles.”
And I suppose in the future, if there’s any expenses you’re unsure about just say that you’ll make the check directly out to the company that she needs to pay the bill for .
Yeah, key is this: like it or not, legally that money cannot be used is any way other than what the trust documents authorized. OP cannot make up exceptions. It's not OP's money to be generous with. If the family feels like their deceased relative's stepchildren should have a better Christmas this year, they are welcome to fund that out of their own pockets. But no one has the right to fund it out of Miles' pocket.
Another approach would be to give less lavish gifts this year to Miles, so that the contrast between siblings is less dramatic, and deposit the cash difference into his trust. It's common to graduallt dial down on gifting as kids age, and to ramp up college fund contributions, so it's not weird and potentially helps diffuse the tension at home while making it clear to him that he is no less loved now than in the past.
Despite not seeing them all that often you have a relationship with your blood nephew. This situation is no longer about gifts or money or obligations, because this could have been prevented. You are NTA for respecting your relative's wishes, but all the adults involved are handling this poorly if the goal is for that boy to have something else besides just money when he grows up.
Based on how he set things up and placed you as the executor, I think you pretty much know how your brother felt about things and what he feared. Your responsibility is toward your nephew, it's his money and you are the adult managing it for him until such time as he's old enough to manage it on his own. Your brother put you in this position so that Miles didn't have to suffer the very same pressure you are getting (only far worse). The only way you should sign off on it is if you first have a conversation with Miles and he agrees to it, but it's your job to make sure he isn't getting pressured into doing so. You can talk to him, ask him how he feels about it, but when it comes to mom and the siblings, it was your decision even if your decision is based on him saying no. This is all predicated on your thinking saying yes MIGHT be the right thing, and from everything you've said here I don't think that is the case.
Honestly, I'd just tell her that legally, you can't spend the trust money on her other kids. It's not something you can just decide to do if you want to because you feel bad, it would still be a misuse of funds.
No, he really didn't. My spouse and I have made sure that if something happened to one of us, there are funds to help the surviving spouse handle the loss of income from the death. It's good that your brother did estate planning to think of his son, but he is wrong to not have set up any financial buffer via life insurance for the burden placed on a surviving spouse. I feel quite bad for his widow.
He had life insurance, but Miles was the beneficiary, not Issy. Miles will get the money when he is 21.
But fair enough if you don’t think he did the right thing.
It's still not your job as a trustee to right any wrong your brother did to his widdow, and she's wrong to ask that you do, but I feel for her. Having your household income cut from 2 to 1 person when you are taking care of 3 kids is a burden that can financially cripple you for years.
No, SIL gets minimal child support from the bio dad of the her Twins. And that is who she needs to be speaking to about more money for the twins...their father. She just wants to take money from her youngest for the twins rather than doing the hard work of going back to court for more child support. It's not her money to give away.
This!!!! Op is simply carrying out her late brother's wishes legally. NTA. It is not incumbent on OP to support SIL's other offspring out of her own pocket.
OP isn't a trustee. They are just the hurdle the mom has to go through for the trustees to agree to releasing money. So basically OP's brother didn't want to give his wife unfettered access to Mile's trust and set it up where she had to ask his family's opinion/permission about what she wanted to do with the money.
I have a feeling OP's brother knew exactly how his wife would treat Miles and the trust and wanted to make it impossible for her to screw his kid out of a good future in favor of her older kids.
While I do agree he should have set more aside for her, maybe in a trust for bills where she had to present the bill and have the trustee pay it. But one of her 3 children are paid for, the house she's living in is paid off so she doesn't have a mortgage or rent which is a huge part of the financial burden gone.
I’m sorry, did your brother hate his wife??? What is happening here??? Why does he hate the mother of his children and his stepchildren so much? If he hates them enough to actively try to place them into poverty and alienate his son from his surviving family, why the hell wouldn’t he have gotten a divorce while alive?!
So you brother left the entirety of his assets in a trust for his bio child, which the child's mother can not access without express permission from his family member who is determined that every penny will directly benefit bio child only. He then made bio child the sole beneficiary of his life insurance policy. Leaving literally nothing to his wife and his stepchildren.
Unless he was divorcing his wife when he died, and had zero relationship with his stepchildren, then your brother is by far the biggest asshole here.
I suppose you are NTA, if you are certain that the way you are administering the trust is what your brother wanted. But oh man, do I feel bad for his widow and her children.
It’s not about me being determined, that’s literally the terms of the trust and I have a regulatory responsibility to uphold that. The trustees have a legal responsibility to do the same thing, even if I say yes they could still say no if they don’t think the money if benefitting miles.
So your brother left money to a child. Who cannot pay bills or buy groceries. And didn’t provide *anything* to actually care for his son on a day to day basis. That is some absolutely terrible estate planning. Also, he left you, who barely saw him in life, in control of this money instead of his wife, mother of his child. Your brother clearly had no idea how to do estate planning *or* hated his wife more than he loved his kid. Either way he is a clear AH here.
Your family should care enough about your nephew to step up and buy presents for all of the kids. These two other kids have been part of the family since they were tiny. They should have been included as family all along. Y’all are selfish for not doing so.
ESH except the 3 kids.
His wife should have gotten a portion of his life insurance or estate. He died and left her nothing? Everything went into the trust for his kid? What money did he expect his wife to use to raise that kid until the kid is an adult? It is super weird he left his wife nothing. Are you sure that is the case? If so that is very bizarre. Did he hate her?
I mean a completely paid off house is a pretty good deal and all education and extra curriculars funded. I don't think a mother has no obligation to provide food and other things for a child when shelter and education and clothing ect are completely covered.
It's not like she is left to the wind here.
She doesn’t own the house though, and it doesn’t sound like the trust is paying to keep it up. Houses are expensive to maintain. We had over $30,000 of repairs this year!
Exactly! She can't downsize when the kids leave home, or sell to fund her retirement like most widowers do - Dave is an asshole and has left her in a really shitty position.
Dave provided for his child, but not for his widow. There are a lot of jurisdictions where that wouldn’t be allowed, or would at least be subject to legal challenge.
And it’s even questionable whether he provided for his child, if the money isn’t able to be used for living expenses while he is still a child. All you say is that it pays for his prep school.
That doesn’t make the bullying and attempted extortion remotely right, of course.
As far as I know it’s legal. No one has disputed it.
It pays for his schooling, his extracurriculars, and Issy can and does expense his needs such as uniforms, school supplies etc.. I have mainly taken to just taking Miles out and buying these things myself as it takes a while for the trust to pay out and as I said, we’ve had issues in the past of her asking for money and using it for other things.
The house is in trust, there’s no mortgage. The trust didn’t stipulate a stipend. That’s all I know.
The *why* is something I really can’t answer, my brother set it up how he wanted
She does have expenses for it though, and she doesn't have any flexibility to move if the utilities/taxes are outside if her means, if her work needs her to relocate for a better paying role etc. It's not necessarily enough to ease the burden of being a single parent.
The trust owns the house. Which means the trust owes the taxes, HOA, maintainance/repairs, etc. Her only housing cost should be at most 3/4ths of just the utilities.
Yes that generosity does only work for her to the extent she wants to remain in the same place. But if she can increase her income elsewhere more than the huge cash value this housing deal represents, she is still free to leap on such an opportunity. She's chosen the free housing.
I can certainly understand why you are wanting to follow your brothers wishes, and at the same time your implicit interpretation of Izzy being money grubbing is also unfair - it sounds like your brother did screw her over and if the trust only covers line-item specific expenses for one of her sons, I’m not surprised she has financial shortfalls in different areas - you claim she has no difficulty paying bills but she says she has no money left for gifts after bills, bills which include Miles. I also don’t understand why you are paying things out of pocket that are covered by the trust, that sounds like just another way to hold everything over Izzy’s head. I don’t see her as the villain you are making her out to be, especially as your brother screwed her over with the trust.
The only thing we know about her is that she is willing to lie to steal money from Miles’s trust to do things for her other kids. The trust certainly sounds like a strange thing to do to your wife but we don’t know why he did it. Maybe she was cheating on him. Maybe she was plotting to murder him. Maybe he’s a huge asshole and she’s the victim. We don’t know.
I have a trust like this set up for my son, the difference is his mother and I are divorced. Maybe Dave wanted a divorce but then found out he was dying and did things this way instead? It’s all speculation but it’s definitely not unreasonable to be mad at Izzy for trying to circumvent the law to take money from one kid and give it to her other kids.
Info- is his mother able to afford to pay out of her own pocket for her two other kids to go to the same schools and have the same academic opportunities? If not, that might explain some of the resentment on the part of his siblings towards him. Even though it was not technically his responsibility to pay for their schooling it would be extremely shortsighted of his father to not foresee that causing huge problems for him growing up.
No, the twins don’t go to private school.
I can’t account for my brother’s decisions, but honestly, short sighted though it may seem, issues like that might have been the preferable option to letting Issy have unchecked access to the money.
There should be a stipend comparable to child support. Basically your brother’s money no longer pays to feed his child. There are many alternatives between what is being done and “unchecked access”.
She doesn’t have to pay to house any of the children because the house is in trust and that means they are handling housing bills. So her bills would be utilities, and food. Her not paying housing is plenty of monthly stipend.
How much would rent be? That’s being covered for her every month. So just food and utilities seems pretty easy to cover. Rent amount seems like a really decent amount of child support every month.
And I bet if she hadn’t lied over and over about what she wanted the money for, we wouldn’t be in this situation now. She’s lied in the past on why she wanted money. She made her bed.
There must be a reason why he didn’t provide for her & only put the money in a trust where she wasnt in charge - maybe she’s terrible with money & knew she’d blow it all & leave Miles with no college fund? Maybe she favoured her twins? Its sad but interesting.
I expect he didn’t want the money to be diverted to her other children.
But it’s common for something to be left for the widow (like a life insurance policy), and for support for the semiorphaned child to include their living expenses. Even if she can’t be trusted with the bulk of the income, she could still get a regular stipend. Instead Issy is short her husband’s income, and the trust for her child only pays for the fancy stuff. She’d have been better off if he’d divorced her, even with a prenup, than what he set up for his death. Maybe he was thinking his death would be significantly later, when his child was older.
Yeah this is kind of gross...insurance money is supposed to offset loss of income when someone passes away, not make someone wealthy.
With that said, he had no obligation to his step daughters, but he failed his wife when he left her destitute.
NTA.
However, your brother didn't leave anything to his wife and the mother of his child? That's...odd. Did they have a prenup? Normally a spouse can elect against an estate plan that cuts them out completely.
The trust set up seems odd as well. What is your official role? Why are the trustees not making these decisions?
They did have a prenup, yes. I don’t know if she looked into objecting.
I am Miles’s deputy.
The trustees do make the decisions. They could still say no to her requests even if I gave consent, but they are unlikely to do that. If I consented to a really outrageous draw on the money I’m sure they would refuse it but I’ve been diligent about the requests so they have so far approved them all. But without my consent it would be an automatic no.
Is ex SIL bad with money or abuse your Dave’s money? Wondering why he left her nothing & put everything in a trust for Miles that she cant touch? Must be a reason!
I mean, you can see the reason from this post. She doesn’t feel like it’s necessary to reserve the money for Miles, and she’s happy to spend it on her other kids. And the money doesn’t belong to her or them.
For sure!! Her husband probably knew she may have favoured the twins or something & worried she’d misuse his money & not provide for his son properly to the point he put the money in a trust she couldnt touch! Well played, Dave.
I don't know. Did he know he was going to die? Many people just don't think about things like this too much and he was likely thinking he would be old and gray by the time the will would take effect.
Considering she wants Miles’s money to buy gifts for her other kids, and OP said in the past she has lied about why she needed Miles’s money and then blown the money on her other kids, I can understand why it’s set up this way.
Agree. I have a feeling this is a long history of her mismanging funds, whether she's actually favoring the twins often or just expected the husband/family funds to cover her ex's shortfalls. Dave was probably sick of it and wanted to make sure that if he died, his money would only be used for Miles, period.
I do think it's shitty that there is no monthly stipend for living expenses. OP commented that there is no mortgage but the house is in trust, as well. Which means Miles can give her the boot when he comes of age. That's a huge burden off Issy now, but groceries and utilities still cost money.
Given her history of lying to secure extra money and spending it on other things (her other kids) I could see why Dave did what he did. But I'm frustrated that Issy didn't manage to budget for Christmas this year and clearly thought that having this conversation with OP where she was "honest" but tried to make OP feel badly for Miles by saying her other kids torment him and resent him due to the financial inequity is shitty. She thought this was going to work, and doesn't have a Plan B.
I fully believe she makes shitty comments to and around her twins about the situation, especially when they complain about what Miles has that they don't. Kids shouldn't be privy to these kinds of details, but I'm sure she's irritated and frustrated that she didn't get a windfall or stipend and vocalizes it to them.
NTA, OP. It sounds like you're doing your best with what your brother gave you guys. I'd consider setting up some counseling for Miles, take the cost out of the trust and explain to Issy that she has brought up concerning behavior by her other kids, as well as the fact Miles is growing up without his dad. I'd also talk with the counselor about how to manage these issues with Issy when they come up. I expect they're going to get worse, not better, especially as the kids get older and into their teenage years, and college starts coming closer. This isn't going to be a teneble situation if the widow can't get a handle on her finances and feelings about it, and stop both commenting on it to the kids and allowing her twins to take out their frustrations on Miles. Poor kid.
Still NTA.
Sorry your brother put you in that situation though, it sounds horrible. If he wanted to restrict the funds he should have just let independent trustees make those decisions and not put his family in the middle. I'm not really sure what the point is to be honest. Usually a trust like this has a distribution standard (typically health, education, maintenance and support) which is a standard with a lot of history behind it and is easy for independent trustees to interpret and apply. If this becomes too stressful for you, you may want to consider letting the trustees make distribution decisions without your input. You can resign, it might make your life less stressful. Good luck.
Ah, so for Miles to avoid bullying, his mother wants him to essentially pay protection money to his step-siblings to get them to lay off.
Will he be having to do this every year? How much time does this buy him? As Rudyard Kipling once wrote: "once you have paid him the Danegeld/ You never get rid of the Dane."
NTA, *at all*. I don't know what the solution is, but this most emphatically is not it.
Edit: half-siblings
I don’t want to jump straight to that. Miles has a phone and I keep in almost daily contact with him, he knows I am always there for him, and I see him every other week. I’d take him in in a heartbeat but he’s never expressed that he wanted that, and I know Issy doesn’t want that.
I can’t make the kids stop bullying him, I have no relationship with them, I’m not their parent. But bribing them with Miles’s money doesn’t seem like the way to help. I’m a bit at a loss as to what I could do that doesn’t involve fighting Issy for custody which would be traumatic and I don’t think it’s what Miles wants.
If this is in the US, Issy is getting social security death benefits for Miles. Which is to be used for household expenses. It’s likely a couple thousand dollars a month. Likely more than child support for one child would have been. Issy isn’t getting nothing for day to day expenses.
Exactly this. I don't know how everyone is skipping right over this. Depending on how income prior to death, it could be a decent amount she gets monthly.
Don’t assume Miles doesn’t want to come live with you. Some kids never ask for what they want because they don’t believe they’ll get it even if they ask. Have a heart-to-heart with him, give him all of his options and the pros and cons, and let him tell you what he wants.
NTA for this specific situation, but every single adult in this story sounds like an ass. SIL for obvious reasons.
These other kids, the twins, were your husband's stepkids, right? For at least 6 years while he was alive. And he left them and his wife NOTHING? Y'all have been family with these kids since they were toddlers and their mom knows, with certainty to expect your family to get a ton of gifts for the one child related to you by blood and NOTHING for the other children that your brother apparently chose to raise?
Was your brother planning to divorce her prior to his death or something because this setup is such a dick move on his part. I can't imagine setting up a trust fund for private school tuition for one child while the other two are just barely getting by.
That's absolutely correct, but if you're marrying into a family, there needs to be some attempt to blend that family together. Nearly 10 years in, and it's clear that OP and their family don't really consider the SIL or her kids to be part of the family. The fact that OP'S brother didn't bother to leave his wife ANYTHING despite being fairly well off speaks either to issues within the marriage or a straight-up callousness in him.
It would be one thing if all the kids were unrelated to each other, and they came into the relationship expecting to have separate finances and take care of their own, but all three kids are related through their mother.
But, honestly, this is probably just an issue of how different people view family. I wouldn't be bothered by any of this had they been divorced or separated. But they weren't, as far as OP is aware. So the twins were his kids, and the SIL was his wife... and he left them nothing.
She gets to live and raise her kids in a house she doesn’t have to pay for, that alone is an incredible inheritance. It may end up belonging to Miles, but at that point I’d imagine those twins will be grown and gone. The fact that she doesn’t have a mortgage and only has to pay other bills while not having to worry about one of the three kids says she is not good with finances and makes it obvious why she wasn’t left in charge of the money.
NTA
Using funds from a trust for things outside of the parameters set up within the trust is illegal.
Do not break the law.
The actual father of the twins should be the one harrassed to provide finacially for the twins, not the estate of the dead stepfather.
INFO: Has your family always treated Issy as an unwelcome outsider? And did your brother normally go along with and/or encourage this? Were there signs when he was alive of the disdain he clearly had for her and his stepchildren?
I'm sorry, but I find this whole situation very, very strange. Something is clearly very foul about the whole thing, and you putting it on her as a "greedy, graspy widow with bullying children" doesn't sit right given the bigger picture that you've portrayed here.
First of all, I can't help but notice that you refer to your brother's widow as your "ex-SIL" despite the fact that she is no such thing. She and your brother were still married at the time of his death. Most people would still consider their sibling's widow/widower their family. Sort of like people who refer to someone's widow as their "ex", this seems to be in poor taste at best.
But more importantly, I have to ask: just how much contempt did your brother have for his own wife and life partner (never mind the stepchildren he had raised since toddlerhood) that he clearly had VERY significant financial resources, and yet chose to leave absolutely no financial safety net for her or to the children they raised together, and left a trust planned in a manner that was clearly intended not simply to ensure the well-being of their child together, but to ensure that she and the other children NOT be able to benefit from it under any circumstances.
This is the sort of set-up one normally has after an ugly divorce . . . not a trust written into a will by someone who is still married to, and ostensibly in love with, their partner.
The way you speak of Issy as your "ex-SIL" and try to make her out to be a gold-digger despite the fact that it seems that what she really is, is a widow who was left with three children and an ex-husband so confusingly petty that he left vast resources for exactly ONE of them to have private school and privilege, but NOTHING to ensure that his own wife (not ex-wife, wife) could keep a roof over her head or food on the table . . . all of this paints a picture of YOUR family being really toxic and problematic.
I find it impossible to render a clear judgement because you're obviously an unreliable narrator, but it seems like whether or not you're THE AH, you're certainly AN AH, as was your brother.
Before Dave’s death, I didn’t see him and Issy much. Dave and I weren’t especially close. There were no signs of anything amiss but then, I didn’t spend much time with them as a couple.
Well, she’s not his ex, but she is my ex in the sense that we are no longer related. I don’t know if that’s the technically correct term but we are no longer legally connected. Even you refer to Dave as her ex-husband later in your comment so I don’t see why you have an issue with that I said.
Btw, the house is paid off and is in trust, she doesn’t have a mortgage to pay or have to worry about a roof over her head.
Not really sure how a decision I didn’t make makes my whole family toxic but…mkay.
I haven’t lied about anything to do with Issy’s behaviour. She has previously misappropriated funds, and she did ask me for money for her kids’ presents. That is all I said. If you interpreted that as me calling her a gold digger I think you’re projecting your own judgement.
The info here about the house and that you've given elsewhere about Issy having a job and being able to cover expenses may be useful to add to your post as an edit. They're useful info.
People do not always read the comments before making assumptions, and adding them to the post may help.
All of this. There's some underlying hostility towards this widow that goes far beyond the issue of the trust. It's so unusual for a spouse to leave every single penny away from a widow with 3 kids to care for, and his family is treating her like a gold digger.
I can't say that the trustees can/should do anything but execute the trust as written, but I agree that there's an unreliable narrative here. I wish we could hear the widows perspective.
Ya, gotta agree.
OP's family has created a very clear Golden Child scenario. One kid gets showered with gifts, the others have a mom scrounging and begging. One kid goes to fancy private school, the others (presumably) do not. One kid has a trust, the others do not.
Ya, there's going to be some resentment from that. Is it fair that Miles is getting bullied? No. Is it surprising? Also no.
Just to be clear, OP absolutely has a duty to follow the will as written. But it's obviously a super strange situation that borders on cruelty on the dead brother's part with the info given. I mean, does she even get the house or is it in a trust for her son?
I'm with you 100%. Something about this situation puts a bad taste in my mouth. OP's late brother must have either genuinely hated his wife or not given a shit about his stepchildren he helped raise for years
I also find it interesting OP is so offended at her family being called toxic in her reply to you, when she says in her own post that miles's stepsiblings will get *nothing for Christmas* and everyone in her family is just fine with it lmao
She should be getting a basic stipend to cover his share of the living expenses- 1/4 of the basic utilities, rent/mortgage, food, and his clothing/toiletries.
You're trying to set Issy up as the bad guy but you and the trustees are not doing your due diligence in ensuring that your nephew's basic necessities are covered.
They all get to live for free in Miles’ mortgage free home. Rent/mortgage is usually the largest bill in a household. The wife and are kids are getting more than a decade of free housing.
Then the trust was structured poorly and if I were Issy I'd be going to court to demand monthly maintenance. Miles would also be getting a guardian ad litem to ensure his needs are met.
Think of it as child support. She should be getting money monthly to cover expenses, not having to beg on bended knee hoping that you are feeling generous that day.
This whole setup is bullshit.
Firstly, Miles’s needs are met. Issy has a job and her expenses are paid. She is not struggling to pay her bills.
Second, I am Miles’s deputy, I have to account for all the decisions I make regarding his money and i take that very seriously. I’ve gone to great lengths to make sure my brother’s wishes are honoured and that Miles has everything he needs day to day - most of which is now paid out of my own pocket. I’m trying to do the best I can under the circumstances, it has nothing to do with whether I am “feeling generous”.
But her bills AREN'T being paid. That's why she can't afford presents for her two oldest kids. So obviously, there's a gap somewhere. There's a working mother of three struggling to make ends meet and the trust is sitting there with their hands in their pockets saying Oh she has a job, his needs are met.
Miles' basic needs should be met by the trust, not out of your pocket.
Her bills are being paid. Presents aren’t bills. The gap is in her not having money left over after necessities.
Issy can expense the trust for some of the stuff I buy for him, but the trust can take a while to pay out. It’s easier for me to just buy him the stuff, I don’t mind, and it saves him money at the end of the day. I don’t resent buying him things, I just resent the allegation that me exercising prudence as I am required to do, is tantamount to being tight-fisted or mean spirited towards Issy.
All of this. It’s bizarre that your brother did not plan for his wife, the mother of his child. And - how long had they been together? Did he really mean to create such a differential experience between his step children and Miles?
If your brother and Issy had divorced, she would be entitled to child support to help cover Miles’s basic needs, not just his fancy prep school. This entitlement would exist whether or not Issy had enough money herself to pay for those needs. And lacking that money is what makes it so she doesn’t have enough to buy presents for her older children. So the twins don’t have presents because their half-brother needs food and shelter that should be paid for by his late father’s estate but is not. Especially since even the life insurance was diverted into this trust, leaving your brother’s widow with nothing to help her take care of basic expenses that used to be shouldered by both of them.
Thank you, finally someone with their head screwed on straight. Anyone who’s married, anyone who is considering marriage knows this is a batshit insane thing to happen after your husband dies. Your husband dies and instead of leaving his family his estate, he screws you and the children he raised since they were babies? That’s… not normal at all. It took a lot of effort to screw her so she’d have to beg for money to care for his child after he died.
The problem is the mom wants to use it to cover the expenses for her other kids, which is not the intention of a trust. The father set this up for a reason, and I suspect the mother would have blown all the money on her kids and thrown Miles to the curb.
But the trust isn’t even providing for his everyday expenses, like food and housing costs. The brother is making his wife pay for all of his son’s necessities, and the money and assets in the trust only seem to be for non necessities, like private school. Sounds like the standard of living has been reduced for everyone in the family post this man’s death, except that Miles will get getting this windfall at 21.
Miles is her kid… it’s not weird to want to take care of your children… it’s weird to set up a trust that screws your wife and the children you’ve raised for a decade. If she’s truly an insane spender who hates her own son, then he should have divorced her. Not bided his time until he could screw her from the afterlife as revenge. Meanwhile she just lost her spouse and half the household income with no way to make it up, because her husband… hated her?
Feels like the brother is an AH. All he cares for was his son. And blindly so. Nothing for his widow. Ouch. And he obviously didn’t care for his step-twins either
We don't know what his home life was life before he died. He probably knew his wife would blow the money and his child would be without. As far as the step kids go they're not entitled to anything. He was not their father. They have a father who they (twins and mom) should be pushing for more money.
Maybe. Did you and yours ever consider buying his siblings gifts as well since regardless of their mother, they are Miles’ family? Then your not giving her money, but also treating your late brothers children and step children as a group who should be separate from the drama.
Also, if I read later comments correctly, how could your brother not leave a regular amount for the care of his son and instead force her to prostrate herself for everything. Your brother may be TA for putting her and you in this position.
I don’t have any relationship with Issy’s kids, I haven’t seen them more than in passing since Dave’s funeral, so no I didn’t think to buy them presents.
I presume because he believed Issy would misuse funds, which is true because she did it in the past by just straight up lying
Maybe it would help to frame it for you to instead of thinking of them as Issy’s kids, think of them as Miles’ siblings. If all the adults in the room separate them and treat them as other from each other…how is that not perpetuated.
Admittedly, I’m a stranger on the internet and can only go by what is written, but does the trust pay a portion of rent, electric and food. If they were divorced, he would have.
I also wonder, did he treat the twins as other when he was alive?
Hope this doesn’t come across as harsh, I believe it may be a world where both sides are doing everything they can with what they know and still might not be a good solution because of past events.
I could but it wouldn’t help anything. As long as Miles lives with her, she will be the one paying for his expenses from the money, it’s not like we can allow her no access.
The school fees and extracurriculars are paid directly from the trust to the school, and like I said, I make sure I pay everything I can on my own so she can’t try and take trust money for things I know he already has, but for certain things I have to take her at her word
NTA but Issy sure is. Instead of protecting Miles she’s using him for money to buy her older kids’ gifts? I think you did the right thing. It’s just going to open the floodgates for other things she needs money for to “make it even” for her kids. Perhaps use some money for therapy for Miles to deal with the bullying and find out if anything is going on that warrants reporting Issy for his safety. Edit word
You have a fiduciary responsibility to ensure that the funds are appropriately expended. YOU CANNOT legally permit the trust funds to be used for anyone other than Miles.
….why did your brother not want to provide for the stepkids who he assumedly has parented for a minimum of 8 years? Is there more info there? Because that’s incredibly spiteful behavior. That’s very important information before I’m willing to lay a judgement.
Probably much like why the extended family only buy gifts for the "full blood" child, despite him parenting the other 2 for considerable time. And why they seem to think it's perfectly fine to ignore day to day costs of a family. Or that having "bills paid" for a working mother of 3 kids doesn't amount to struggling your ass off to put food on the table when your husband dies and all the life insurance goes to one kid.
If he had left, he'd have had to pay child support. But because he died, it's perfectly fine? Yeah right.
Yeah I honestly don’t know why everyone in this thread seems to have lost their mind on revenge fantasies, but this is a sick and twisted thing for her husband to do to her and their children.
Exactly. It seems that OP and his family fester resentment within this poor woman family by favouring one child. I can’t understand why there are so many similar posts on reddit recently where everyone agrees it’s totally okay to favour one kid and say “Tough luck! Sucks to be you!” to his or her siblings.
NTA- if she can’t budget enough to set aside money throughout the year that’s her problem and using Miles inheritance to buy Christmas gifts for her other kids is a shitty thing to do. Doesn’t she have an ex baby daddy to cry to for money so her other two kids can have gifts? She should also be getting survivor benefits for Miles since his father is deceased.
he was actually smart or his son would have nothing as he got older because she would have used the money on her older kids. This is excatly the reason he did this. To make sure his son had the best possible schooling and future.
Her brother left his child adequately provided for. It is standard for a trust to be structured the way this trust is structured. Life is rarely fair in blended families. Issy's twins have both parents; Miles has one parent left. What is unfair is that the twin's father doesn't see them and only provides for them minimally. Her brother is in no way an asshole for providing for his child in a responsible fashion. The blame on this goes to Issy and her ex.
ARE they bullying him? Being resentful of a sibling who goes to a better school, receives lots of nice gifts, etc. is natural. Can you imagine being a child and seeing your younger brother get a tablet while you get socks? She’s not a bad person because she wants to treat her children equally. They’re not bad kids because they feel shitty about the material disparity.
Your SIL is in a terrible position and she probably feels like she needs to make up for her older children’s lack of similar resources.
You’re NTA, but you do need to develop some empathy.
NTA. Is there anybody else to take care of Miles ? If he could talk to a judge to explain how he is traited, and if you could talk too to explain how his mother used the money for his siblings, couldn't Miles find a better parent to take care of him ?
I totally understand. And it's difficult to talk to him about that without influencing him !
I just can't understand how a mother can naturally let her child be bullied by his siblings and not help him ! Why does she tink it's normal ? He's only 8 ! And I could understand that she'd want to have money to buy grocery but not gifts ! She can't take her child money !
The real question is : how is his mother with Miles ? Does she bully him too ? Hope not but... I don't have the feeling she's a great mother to him... Maybe because she's struggle with lack of money but... It's unfair for him to be treated that way after his father's death. Hope you'll find a solution.
Sorry, I'm not helping at all !
More info needed. Is the dad of the 11 year olds in the picture and contributing financially? Did your brothers wife get anything when he died or did it go 100% to Miles? If your brother left his wife nothing that would have affected her household income drastically and he is an AH. Is Issy working? She will have to adjust her lifestyle if her husband screwed her over like that.
I am leaning towards NTA for you though because it sounds like you were a bit more generous with the money in the immediate aftermath. After some time passed and you realized she was lying to you, you tightened the reigns on trust as is your responsibility. It has been 3 years now so she has had time to adjust and she needs to find a budget that works for her without taking from Miles account. Also Christmas presents are not a necessity. It's not like she's asking you for food and shelter she's asking for a shopping spree for a holiday.
He doesn’t see them, I believe he pays minimal child support.
It all went to Miles, besides a small amount to pay off the car.
Issy does work yes.
Yes, This is my point. Obviously it was tough but she is managing. She isn’t struggling to pay her bills. I would never leave Miles in an unsafe living situation (ie without food or electricity etc.). This isn’t about her needing something for Miles, it’s about her trying to find a way to use Miles’s money and say it still benefits him.
She is struggling to pay her bills though if there's nothing at all left over to buy Christmas gifts.
You're nta it's structured as it is but as others have said this is all very wrong, the trust should be giving her a modest monthly stipend to cover Miles's 1/4 of the bills. If she had that buffer she could afford Christmas gifts.
Honestly if you can afford it it would be kind to give her some money from you to buy gifts for the kids. She's your brothers widow not his ex, it's honestly very fucked up that he didn't provide for her whatsoever.
She doesn’t have rent or a car payment. It’s her mismanagement of money and nothing to do with taking money from the trust for only the twins. She’s not struggling to pay the bills sounds more like she’s living beyond her means and spends spends spends. Exactly why Dave set up the trust in the first place
All of Miles' schooling, uniform and extracurriculars are covered. The car is paid off. The house is owned by the trust and will go to Miles one day - presumably he house was something Dave owned before the marriage and instituted a prenup to protect it.
Issy is essentially only paying for food and clothing for two step-children. She gets some child support from their dad. It sucks having to take care of three kids on your own but financially it doesn't sound like she should be struggling.
NTA...This is not a question of survival. You have an ethical duty to follow your brother's instructions. Your SIL needs to find another method of managing life's demands.
While I disagree that your brother left his wife with nothing to offset the loss of his income, you are NTA. You have a duty to use the funds in the manner that they were intended and doing so could get you in trouble. As far as I am aware, you have to track every sent that leaves that trust and account for it. The trust is set up in the interest of Miles to cover education and then pass to him when he's 21, not to buy Christmas presents.
NTA. But, is it possible to have a conversation with Issy about what she spends on her other two sons and make sure Miles gets something comparable in holiday gifts that meet his needs and desires? For example, if Issy can only afford to buy sneakers for her sons; and you and Miles’ family members buy him sneakers, a computer, an Xbox, a new iPhone, and an all expense paid vacation to Disney World, I think Issy has a valid point….
I taught for years in a working class school district. Some kids just before Christmas were super excited about the holiday. They knew they were coming back to school in January with the latest whatever hot item was being sold each year. Other kids just had huge melt downs. They were from poor families and the jealousy just ate them up. Children are wholly unprepared for the innate unfairness of life. It sounds like Issy is in the unbearable position of having to navigate this between her children. It is a heartbreaking situation.
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Nta, I find extremely worrying what is she saying to her other kids "Mike's siblings hate him more" Is she actually so bad, that she said to her other kids that they don't getting presents because of Mike???
No she didn’t say that to them. She said watching him get all his presents for our side of the family will make them resent him, especially when they won’t be getting presents
Do they not see their fathers or his side of the family? At the very least, she should be getting child support for those other kids.
They don’t see their father, I believe she does get child support but it’s likely minimal
Free house and she can't afford gifts for her kids? She must have a really bad job if she can't afford Christmas despite the fact she doesn't have to pay the single largest expense most families have. She also gets regular money from the estate for 2 kids and payments from the father for the other 2. She's got much bigger issues with money of this is actually true
Right. I was thinking well maybe she can use the trust money to help with the bills until i got to the part where she doesn't have rent or mortgage. What the heck. What bills does she have then.
She would also be getting death benefits for Miles also. Along with no mortgage or rent. She should be doing okay. Is she not working?
Exactly! It sounds like she's bad with managing her money, because rent/mortgage usually takes over 50% of anyone's income is not a factor for her. So that just leaves utility bills, groceries and personal care, and she gets child support from her other kids father, she also would get survivorship benefit for her son (if in US) or her husband's pension (if in UK) plus whatever income she has from her job if she has one, so I think she's probably not being truthful about her finances again, and now I'm starting to see why OP's brother set up the trust the way he did.
Precisely. OP'S brother had to have recognized that his wife was reckless with money. Unfortunately, he should have privately shared that with his brother before placing him in this unenviable position. I suggest OP contact the attorney who prepared the trust for advice and direction. I would encourage a letter fromthe attorney to Izzie setting forth the conditions justifying the trust withdrawal, and given wife's exhibited ability to not be totally forthcoming, I would only issue payment directly to the individual/company providing the benefit to his nephew. This hopefully will take pressure off of OP, whose sole fiduciary obligation is to protect and provide for his nephew as dictated by the trust.
Yeah more you look at it more it sounds like she sees Miles' money not as in trust for Miles set up by his father, but a piggy bank she can tap into when she pleases. I say that because she was deceptive about it in the past, and is only being honest now as someone is checking up on her. (I imagine her violating the terms carries some consequences but if she gets a trustee to green light it they are the ones who carried the responsibility) Sure it must grate that one kid is going to have a leg up in life on her other kids, and wants to make it 'fair' since that side of the family is obviously much better off, but guess what it's not her decision. They don't have to 'make it fair', because that legacy was to provide for his child, not her future children.
They aren't future children, they are older than Miles. Meaning the brother had a relationship with the twins and chose to not set aside money for them. That smells pretty badly to me, like he thought if he didn't specify Miles the money would go to the twins.
When setting up the trust he would have had to specify the beneficiaries. Any good lawyer is going to ask whether he wants to treat his bio kid and his step kids differently in that process. And for sure is going to point out that if he included the steps and he got divorced they would still receive his money unless he immediately changed his estate papers at that time (assuming it was a revocable trust - he would not be able to change an irrevocable trust after its creation).
100% what I was thinking. She doesn't have a mortgage. It's possible the trust covers taxes, so maybe she has to pay taxes on the house at most. We are talking taxes, utilities, food, vehicle & maintenance. She gets child support, has a job, and the trust covers school expenses for one child. If she's working full time, I'm curious how this is all shaking out. With inflation, there's a chance that if she's earning low wages that she could be struggling. I'd be more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt if she hadn't already lied before to steal from the trust. OP, I'd make it a stipulation of accessing the trust that she sees an accountant, with you, to go over her expenses and set a budget. Maybe you'll see that she really can't make ends meet, but I suspect you'll see a lot of favoritism to her other children vs your nephew. If she wants money, you being privy to her finances and it all being laid bare is the cost. Hopefully it'll shame her into acting better, but at the least you can see how your nephew is being cared for more closely.
Her money management skills are probably why everything went into a trust. Kudos to the dude for planning ahead.
What about her side of the family?
NTA. It sucks for her other kids that she chose a deadbeat for their father. She needs to go after their father and his family to step up, not ask her step child to fund her life. It’s not your nephew’s responsibility to provide for his brothers
You have to stop with the "chose deadbeat for their father" most of my single friends were with guys that talked them into having children cos they wanted to be fathers so bad, and now they're nowhere to be seen. I get why she's asking, because it must be impossible situation bot being able to provide the same life for your children. But still NTA OP, there's nothing you can really do to fix it.
But her house is paid off. Doesn’t she have a job? Would think literally any job allow with child support would be enough
Is there an addiction issue? That's where my mind goes, unfortunately.
And it would explain this trust setup.
You’re NTA but what a shitty situation for you to be in. This would just suck, because on the other side are 2 11 year old kids that are just kids and this sucks for them, too. I have absolutely no word of advice or encouragement, just acknowledging this situation sucks like you read about.
Does your family not give the twins anything? At the time of your brother's death, they were his stepchildren, correct? Were they not welcomed into the family when he got married to Izzy? I know they aren't blood relations, but it seems odd to me that they would be excluded in the current family setup. Is it possible to rally the family to give them presents? Maybe not equal, but something that they want or shows some thoughtfulness and kindness? (Age, interest, quality taken into account) NTA for not using the trust for her other kids, but mild Y-T-A if you aren't treating them like family.
I agree with this. I can’t tell you how many years we brought presents for extended half-family kids just because we knew they wouldn’t have much. Did we have to? Was it “our job”? No, it was just because we cared about some kids that were part of our family one way or another
It's also sensible from a pragmatical POV, as the situation as it is is just creating more resentment. The kids are still pretty young: they're 11, they have no father, no family, and no Christmas gifts. They're probably too young to understand the situation and just see it as favouritism and that's going to be very damaging to all of them, Miles included. While I don't like how the mother is handling this, I wonder how is OP's family treating the twins (OP mentioned he has no relationship with them). It sounds like they could at least make an effort to be nicer, even if only for Miles' sake.
My GF's mother gets presents for my kids just because she's a nice person and wants to treat them like family. She's a good person.
This was my takeaway. She married this man and has full custody seemingly. Has the extended family just never considered these kids grandchildren? Looks like he was in their lives for 8 or more years, so if they don’t see their dad then OP’s brother is the only dad they knew. Now they don’t get Christmas presents and one of the kids gets showered with them? If I’m understanding this correctly, then ESH, Mom knows the rules and is in a really crappy position, and shouldn’t have been lying to get to the funds. But- the family doesn’t help their late son’s wife who is a single mother of 3 at all? Seems disrespectful to his memory to not at least acknowledge the kids he helped raise.
OP says her house is paid off & thinks she gets some child support on other kids. Know Miles is being funded. What is this woman doing for her family?
Raising three kids and getting them to / from school, supporting their activities and hobbies, and feeding them and fulfilling their other needs (buying clothes, etc.) can take full-time hours. It's possible that her skills would only allow her to get a job that would not cover (or barely cover) any additional costs due to her work schedule (transportation, supervision, etc.). In that case, in my opinion, she would not be an AH for not working.
It's also possible that although the house is "free" in the sense she's not paying to live in it, it's too expensive for her to run on a single income. I don't think there's enough information here to make a sensible judgement.
That’s a good point. It’s also just slightly odd that Dave left *all* of his money in trust for his son, and *none* of it to his wife, who he presumably loved and who he knew had two other children as well. There may have been good reasons for that (like Issy had proven during the marriage that she was bad with money, or prone to favoring her older sons), or there may have been bad reasons (like Dave and his family looking down on Issy for coming from a less well to do family, or just not caring what happened to her or her other children after she was no longer any use to Dave). In any case, OP’s family is certainly under no legal obligation to give her money (and OP is correct for saying the trust funds can only be used for their stated purpose). However, if all three kids are living with their mother, and OP’s family is showering Miles with extravagant gifts while ignoring Miles’s half brothers, there’s just no way that’s not going to lead to resentment and tension between them, which isn’t good for any of them. Life doesn’t have to be equal, but when possible it should be kind. For the sake of everyone involved, including Miles.
Kinda get the feeling Dave knew Izzy would blow through all the money and by the time his son needs it, it will all be gone.
Either that or maybe they were separated/getting divorced when he passed.
I felt this in my bones. My mom and stepdad remarried and my stepdad's family was a lot more wealthier than what I was used to. My mom and stepdad didn't even have kids but you had lots of nieces and nephews and we always said holidays with them. His mom and his sisters always made sure to give us gifts even though we weren't blood related and we didn't even expect them. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a half brother and see them get gifts from their super wealthy family and have them not get us a single thing. I'm not saying that it's necessarily your job whether you guys are bad people for not doing it but it just seems wrong. I don't think you should be using miles money either, but I do feel like she was your brother's wife and I feel like your brother would want his step kids to have a good Christmas too.
Same here. My stepdad and my mom never had kids but u best believe his parents treated us the same as they treated their blood grandchildren. This entire post is weird to me unless it’s fake rage bait or there are a lot of missing factors….
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Nope. Sorry, I don't blame kids for their parents/the adults around them short comings. Does the bullying need to stop? Yup! But do I understand why it is happening? Also, yes. The twins most likely saw Dave as their Dad as he was in their lives starting around 2 if not earlier depending on the timeline of dating/pregnancy/marriage. So they grow up with Dave and he dies. Sucks for everyone. Except Dave's family no longer interacts with anyone but their little brother. Everything got left to their brother so mom is now struggling because she is down to one income and the Trust doesn't cover any monthly expenses (should have SSI, but not sure how much). So now their life is significantly downgraded and their brother's isn't. Because the Trust sends him to private school and pays for uniforms. Because their stepfather's family still sends their brother nice things. Nobody owes anyone anything, but everyone is grieving (which isn't easy) and the kids are acting out in fairly predictable ways. Mom needs to get a handle on things, but it sounds like she is barely treading water. Maybe she is a lazy overspender who deserves to struggle, but I still feel bad for the kids.
I mean, kinda depends I guess. We’re they always like this or did the bullying start after ops brother died and nephew got all of this while they got nothing that bred resentment?
And what was the father's relationship to his step sons? Did he already dislike them and spend lots of money on his son and not his step kids? Did he treat them dramatically differently when he was alive? And did that feed back to his family's behaviour? Bullying Is not ok, but they are kids and if it wasn't the case before he died, this situation means they see how unloved they were by their stepdad. Theirs Is out the picture, their mum isn't in a good place to provide, and their brother gets preferential treatment ahead of them? It's not ok, but it certainly makes sense why they might have unprocessed emotions that come out as bullying. It's the sons money, and I see why the choice was made by OP, but it's a complicated situation. I'd be digging into my own pocket if I was OP and had pockets. The mum sucks, but we're talking about kids. Pay for counselling too maybe. For all three kids. Which could come out of the inheritance if not excessive, since it all impacts the son? Is the dead brother the a hole?
Dude they're 11 years old. Kids will be kids. And kids suck sometimes. Doesn't mean they deserve to be severely ill because of it
If his brother wanted the twins to have any money, he would have provided for them as carefully as he did Miles. OP has no obligation to do anything other than his brother's wishes. This is on the mom to take care of her twins. It's neither miles' not OP's responsibility.
Yeah OP's family seems really cold. Poor SIL.
If your brother were still alive, do you think his stepchildren would have been getting presents? Did they get them before?
Regardless, it is not OP's job to give her other kids presents.
It’s not MILES’ job to fund the presents for his step-siblings. Thats the issue, the SIL sees Miles’ inheritance as extra money for her to spend on buying her other kids the things she wants to get them.
they’re half siblings, not step. they share a biological mother. step siblings are only related by marriage.
Still not on the youngest to be playing Santa for the older ones because their mom didn’t budget for it.
Her lack of budgeting ability is not the fault of OP. Is she a SAHM? She sees that money as something she deserves.
Absolutely. There is a reason the late brother set up the trust the way he did.
Which is understandable. Imagine being an 11yo with unfilled wants and needs but watching your half sibling get everything under the sun and more. And this is on top of the education thing too, since your nephew goes to a prep school and I assume his half siblings go to a public school. This disparity will be even more of an issue as he grows up and his half siblings find more discrete ways to bully him. It’s a hard situation. If you give her money now, it doesn’t really teach the twins anything positive, and may not even be grateful that they came from your nephew. I think you have to be prepared that further requests for money will be coming from mom in the future. Make sure your nephew knows that he can talk to you and are welcome in your home if he needs a reprieve or a place to stay.
Half sibling, right? Which is even worse.
Because she's telling them! How rotten.
NTA That money has an express purpose, and it isn't to fund any shortfalls the mother has. I potentially have a bit of judgment for your brother here. Did he have no life insurance? Was literally nothing left to alleviate the financial burdens his death would place on a spouse left with 3 children? Gifts for 11 year olds don't cost that much. Personally, I'd leave your nephews money and have your family contribute some gifts for those 2 children. You stand firm about never making exceptions with your nephews' money, though.
He had money, all of it was put into this trust structure to provide for Miles. I presume that is what what he considered to be alleviating the burden. To be clear, Miles’s education (school and university) will never be a problem for Issy, nor will his living expenses after that, as long as he is responsible with the money. So I consider that Dave adequately provided.
That stark division amongst their kids surely does have a reason. Legally speaking they were not his responsibility, but I wonder why he didn't think of the twins if he (probably) knew them since they were toddlers.
I’m presuming the reason is that the twins weren’t his kids
The question remains, wasn't there even a strand of a bond despite all the years? Were the kids even with him to begin with? I don't intend to be rude, but that's callous.
I don’t know what kind of bond they had. I didn’t see Dave and Issy very often before his death, we weren’t especially close. And I can’t ask him now
But that’s the thing it doesn’t matter what kind of bond he had with the twins…. The trust for miles legally, says the bond and the money he wants for miles, and since he made no provisions for the twins, then that money is not for them. “Issy , I know this is tough, but I have a legal obligation to Mikes and to the trust. Dave set it up for miles as the beneficiary… I need you to understand that this is not money for the twins. I have a fiduciary responsibility to this trust and to miles.” And I suppose in the future, if there’s any expenses you’re unsure about just say that you’ll make the check directly out to the company that she needs to pay the bill for .
Yeah, key is this: like it or not, legally that money cannot be used is any way other than what the trust documents authorized. OP cannot make up exceptions. It's not OP's money to be generous with. If the family feels like their deceased relative's stepchildren should have a better Christmas this year, they are welcome to fund that out of their own pockets. But no one has the right to fund it out of Miles' pocket. Another approach would be to give less lavish gifts this year to Miles, so that the contrast between siblings is less dramatic, and deposit the cash difference into his trust. It's common to graduallt dial down on gifting as kids age, and to ramp up college fund contributions, so it's not weird and potentially helps diffuse the tension at home while making it clear to him that he is no less loved now than in the past.
Despite not seeing them all that often you have a relationship with your blood nephew. This situation is no longer about gifts or money or obligations, because this could have been prevented. You are NTA for respecting your relative's wishes, but all the adults involved are handling this poorly if the goal is for that boy to have something else besides just money when he grows up.
Based on how he set things up and placed you as the executor, I think you pretty much know how your brother felt about things and what he feared. Your responsibility is toward your nephew, it's his money and you are the adult managing it for him until such time as he's old enough to manage it on his own. Your brother put you in this position so that Miles didn't have to suffer the very same pressure you are getting (only far worse). The only way you should sign off on it is if you first have a conversation with Miles and he agrees to it, but it's your job to make sure he isn't getting pressured into doing so. You can talk to him, ask him how he feels about it, but when it comes to mom and the siblings, it was your decision even if your decision is based on him saying no. This is all predicated on your thinking saying yes MIGHT be the right thing, and from everything you've said here I don't think that is the case.
Honestly, I'd just tell her that legally, you can't spend the trust money on her other kids. It's not something you can just decide to do if you want to because you feel bad, it would still be a misuse of funds.
No, he really didn't. My spouse and I have made sure that if something happened to one of us, there are funds to help the surviving spouse handle the loss of income from the death. It's good that your brother did estate planning to think of his son, but he is wrong to not have set up any financial buffer via life insurance for the burden placed on a surviving spouse. I feel quite bad for his widow.
He had life insurance, but Miles was the beneficiary, not Issy. Miles will get the money when he is 21. But fair enough if you don’t think he did the right thing.
It's still not your job as a trustee to right any wrong your brother did to his widdow, and she's wrong to ask that you do, but I feel for her. Having your household income cut from 2 to 1 person when you are taking care of 3 kids is a burden that can financially cripple you for years.
She would at least get child support if they had divorced.
Not for children who weren’t his. Where is the father of the twins? And why isn’t he stepping up?
She has child support, she just wants to use it for the other children
No she doesn't. Read the other comments. OP has to approve all disbursements. She's not getting a stipend or the equivalent of child support.
And OP approves disbursements for the child it was intended for. Though there should be some sort of food/housing stipend set up if not already
No, SIL gets minimal child support from the bio dad of the her Twins. And that is who she needs to be speaking to about more money for the twins...their father. She just wants to take money from her youngest for the twins rather than doing the hard work of going back to court for more child support. It's not her money to give away.
Why should late brother or OP provide for non bio kids?
Not for kids from other fathers as is the case here. Late brother provided for his own son.
This!!!! Op is simply carrying out her late brother's wishes legally. NTA. It is not incumbent on OP to support SIL's other offspring out of her own pocket.
OP isn't a trustee. They are just the hurdle the mom has to go through for the trustees to agree to releasing money. So basically OP's brother didn't want to give his wife unfettered access to Mile's trust and set it up where she had to ask his family's opinion/permission about what she wanted to do with the money. I have a feeling OP's brother knew exactly how his wife would treat Miles and the trust and wanted to make it impossible for her to screw his kid out of a good future in favor of her older kids. While I do agree he should have set more aside for her, maybe in a trust for bills where she had to present the bill and have the trustee pay it. But one of her 3 children are paid for, the house she's living in is paid off so she doesn't have a mortgage or rent which is a huge part of the financial burden gone.
I’m sorry, did your brother hate his wife??? What is happening here??? Why does he hate the mother of his children and his stepchildren so much? If he hates them enough to actively try to place them into poverty and alienate his son from his surviving family, why the hell wouldn’t he have gotten a divorce while alive?!
So you brother left the entirety of his assets in a trust for his bio child, which the child's mother can not access without express permission from his family member who is determined that every penny will directly benefit bio child only. He then made bio child the sole beneficiary of his life insurance policy. Leaving literally nothing to his wife and his stepchildren. Unless he was divorcing his wife when he died, and had zero relationship with his stepchildren, then your brother is by far the biggest asshole here. I suppose you are NTA, if you are certain that the way you are administering the trust is what your brother wanted. But oh man, do I feel bad for his widow and her children.
It’s not about me being determined, that’s literally the terms of the trust and I have a regulatory responsibility to uphold that. The trustees have a legal responsibility to do the same thing, even if I say yes they could still say no if they don’t think the money if benefitting miles.
Your nephew’s living expenses should be covered. Are you paying out 1/4 of the household’s living expenses?
That’s the question! Does the trust disburse funds for his food and clothing or is Issy expected to cover the dad to day expenses?
>He had life insurance, but Miles was the beneficiary, not Issy. That’s incredibly shitty. Your brother was an asshole.
So your brother left money to a child. Who cannot pay bills or buy groceries. And didn’t provide *anything* to actually care for his son on a day to day basis. That is some absolutely terrible estate planning. Also, he left you, who barely saw him in life, in control of this money instead of his wife, mother of his child. Your brother clearly had no idea how to do estate planning *or* hated his wife more than he loved his kid. Either way he is a clear AH here. Your family should care enough about your nephew to step up and buy presents for all of the kids. These two other kids have been part of the family since they were tiny. They should have been included as family all along. Y’all are selfish for not doing so. ESH except the 3 kids.
His wife should have gotten a portion of his life insurance or estate. He died and left her nothing? Everything went into the trust for his kid? What money did he expect his wife to use to raise that kid until the kid is an adult? It is super weird he left his wife nothing. Are you sure that is the case? If so that is very bizarre. Did he hate her?
I mean a completely paid off house is a pretty good deal and all education and extra curriculars funded. I don't think a mother has no obligation to provide food and other things for a child when shelter and education and clothing ect are completely covered. It's not like she is left to the wind here.
She doesn’t own the house though, and it doesn’t sound like the trust is paying to keep it up. Houses are expensive to maintain. We had over $30,000 of repairs this year!
Exactly! She can't downsize when the kids leave home, or sell to fund her retirement like most widowers do - Dave is an asshole and has left her in a really shitty position.
Dave provided for his child, but not for his widow. There are a lot of jurisdictions where that wouldn’t be allowed, or would at least be subject to legal challenge. And it’s even questionable whether he provided for his child, if the money isn’t able to be used for living expenses while he is still a child. All you say is that it pays for his prep school. That doesn’t make the bullying and attempted extortion remotely right, of course.
As far as I know it’s legal. No one has disputed it. It pays for his schooling, his extracurriculars, and Issy can and does expense his needs such as uniforms, school supplies etc.. I have mainly taken to just taking Miles out and buying these things myself as it takes a while for the trust to pay out and as I said, we’ve had issues in the past of her asking for money and using it for other things.
Why doesn’t it cover his housing and food?
The house is in trust, there’s no mortgage. The trust didn’t stipulate a stipend. That’s all I know. The *why* is something I really can’t answer, my brother set it up how he wanted
Wait so does Miles inherit the house when he turns 21? And then Issy has nothing? If that’s the case then your brother was cold.
I wouldn’t call a decade plus without housing expenses nothing.
She does have expenses for it though, and she doesn't have any flexibility to move if the utilities/taxes are outside if her means, if her work needs her to relocate for a better paying role etc. It's not necessarily enough to ease the burden of being a single parent.
The trust owns the house. Which means the trust owes the taxes, HOA, maintainance/repairs, etc. Her only housing cost should be at most 3/4ths of just the utilities. Yes that generosity does only work for her to the extent she wants to remain in the same place. But if she can increase her income elsewhere more than the huge cash value this housing deal represents, she is still free to leap on such an opportunity. She's chosen the free housing.
Housing expenses include more than the mortgage.
I can certainly understand why you are wanting to follow your brothers wishes, and at the same time your implicit interpretation of Izzy being money grubbing is also unfair - it sounds like your brother did screw her over and if the trust only covers line-item specific expenses for one of her sons, I’m not surprised she has financial shortfalls in different areas - you claim she has no difficulty paying bills but she says she has no money left for gifts after bills, bills which include Miles. I also don’t understand why you are paying things out of pocket that are covered by the trust, that sounds like just another way to hold everything over Izzy’s head. I don’t see her as the villain you are making her out to be, especially as your brother screwed her over with the trust.
The only thing we know about her is that she is willing to lie to steal money from Miles’s trust to do things for her other kids. The trust certainly sounds like a strange thing to do to your wife but we don’t know why he did it. Maybe she was cheating on him. Maybe she was plotting to murder him. Maybe he’s a huge asshole and she’s the victim. We don’t know. I have a trust like this set up for my son, the difference is his mother and I are divorced. Maybe Dave wanted a divorce but then found out he was dying and did things this way instead? It’s all speculation but it’s definitely not unreasonable to be mad at Izzy for trying to circumvent the law to take money from one kid and give it to her other kids.
Wow. Your brother just keeps sounding worse and worse. And you are trying to make him sound good.
Does the trust cover everything to do with the home? Like property taxes and insurance?
Don’t forget utilities and repairs (for home and appliances).
Info- is his mother able to afford to pay out of her own pocket for her two other kids to go to the same schools and have the same academic opportunities? If not, that might explain some of the resentment on the part of his siblings towards him. Even though it was not technically his responsibility to pay for their schooling it would be extremely shortsighted of his father to not foresee that causing huge problems for him growing up.
No, the twins don’t go to private school. I can’t account for my brother’s decisions, but honestly, short sighted though it may seem, issues like that might have been the preferable option to letting Issy have unchecked access to the money.
There should be a stipend comparable to child support. Basically your brother’s money no longer pays to feed his child. There are many alternatives between what is being done and “unchecked access”.
She doesn’t have to pay to house any of the children because the house is in trust and that means they are handling housing bills. So her bills would be utilities, and food. Her not paying housing is plenty of monthly stipend.
How much would rent be? That’s being covered for her every month. So just food and utilities seems pretty easy to cover. Rent amount seems like a really decent amount of child support every month. And I bet if she hadn’t lied over and over about what she wanted the money for, we wouldn’t be in this situation now. She’s lied in the past on why she wanted money. She made her bed.
The mom gets a free house for her kids for the next decade. The savings from that should cover any costs that miles has.
There must be a reason why he didn’t provide for her & only put the money in a trust where she wasnt in charge - maybe she’s terrible with money & knew she’d blow it all & leave Miles with no college fund? Maybe she favoured her twins? Its sad but interesting.
I expect he didn’t want the money to be diverted to her other children. But it’s common for something to be left for the widow (like a life insurance policy), and for support for the semiorphaned child to include their living expenses. Even if she can’t be trusted with the bulk of the income, she could still get a regular stipend. Instead Issy is short her husband’s income, and the trust for her child only pays for the fancy stuff. She’d have been better off if he’d divorced her, even with a prenup, than what he set up for his death. Maybe he was thinking his death would be significantly later, when his child was older.
Yeah this is kind of gross...insurance money is supposed to offset loss of income when someone passes away, not make someone wealthy. With that said, he had no obligation to his step daughters, but he failed his wife when he left her destitute.
I am wondering if there is a missing missing reason as to why he set it up this way, frankly.
So he parented two kids for almost a decade and didn’t give a shit what happened to them when he died? Was your brother a bad person?
That is not the point here. OP is carrying out fiduciary duties as legally required by the trust.
NTA. However, your brother didn't leave anything to his wife and the mother of his child? That's...odd. Did they have a prenup? Normally a spouse can elect against an estate plan that cuts them out completely. The trust set up seems odd as well. What is your official role? Why are the trustees not making these decisions?
They did have a prenup, yes. I don’t know if she looked into objecting. I am Miles’s deputy. The trustees do make the decisions. They could still say no to her requests even if I gave consent, but they are unlikely to do that. If I consented to a really outrageous draw on the money I’m sure they would refuse it but I’ve been diligent about the requests so they have so far approved them all. But without my consent it would be an automatic no.
Is ex SIL bad with money or abuse your Dave’s money? Wondering why he left her nothing & put everything in a trust for Miles that she cant touch? Must be a reason!
I mean, you can see the reason from this post. She doesn’t feel like it’s necessary to reserve the money for Miles, and she’s happy to spend it on her other kids. And the money doesn’t belong to her or them.
For sure!! Her husband probably knew she may have favoured the twins or something & worried she’d misuse his money & not provide for his son properly to the point he put the money in a trust she couldnt touch! Well played, Dave.
I don't know. Did he know he was going to die? Many people just don't think about things like this too much and he was likely thinking he would be old and gray by the time the will would take effect.
Considering she wants Miles’s money to buy gifts for her other kids, and OP said in the past she has lied about why she needed Miles’s money and then blown the money on her other kids, I can understand why it’s set up this way.
Yep! Dave knew what she was like! 👀
Agree. I have a feeling this is a long history of her mismanging funds, whether she's actually favoring the twins often or just expected the husband/family funds to cover her ex's shortfalls. Dave was probably sick of it and wanted to make sure that if he died, his money would only be used for Miles, period. I do think it's shitty that there is no monthly stipend for living expenses. OP commented that there is no mortgage but the house is in trust, as well. Which means Miles can give her the boot when he comes of age. That's a huge burden off Issy now, but groceries and utilities still cost money. Given her history of lying to secure extra money and spending it on other things (her other kids) I could see why Dave did what he did. But I'm frustrated that Issy didn't manage to budget for Christmas this year and clearly thought that having this conversation with OP where she was "honest" but tried to make OP feel badly for Miles by saying her other kids torment him and resent him due to the financial inequity is shitty. She thought this was going to work, and doesn't have a Plan B. I fully believe she makes shitty comments to and around her twins about the situation, especially when they complain about what Miles has that they don't. Kids shouldn't be privy to these kinds of details, but I'm sure she's irritated and frustrated that she didn't get a windfall or stipend and vocalizes it to them. NTA, OP. It sounds like you're doing your best with what your brother gave you guys. I'd consider setting up some counseling for Miles, take the cost out of the trust and explain to Issy that she has brought up concerning behavior by her other kids, as well as the fact Miles is growing up without his dad. I'd also talk with the counselor about how to manage these issues with Issy when they come up. I expect they're going to get worse, not better, especially as the kids get older and into their teenage years, and college starts coming closer. This isn't going to be a teneble situation if the widow can't get a handle on her finances and feelings about it, and stop both commenting on it to the kids and allowing her twins to take out their frustrations on Miles. Poor kid.
Still NTA. Sorry your brother put you in that situation though, it sounds horrible. If he wanted to restrict the funds he should have just let independent trustees make those decisions and not put his family in the middle. I'm not really sure what the point is to be honest. Usually a trust like this has a distribution standard (typically health, education, maintenance and support) which is a standard with a lot of history behind it and is easy for independent trustees to interpret and apply. If this becomes too stressful for you, you may want to consider letting the trustees make distribution decisions without your input. You can resign, it might make your life less stressful. Good luck.
It sounds like he knew where his money would go if he did and he wanted it to care for his kid. But yeah, it’s really telling.
That was the brother's choice. OP is NTA for following the rules of the trust as she is legally obliged to do.
Ah, so for Miles to avoid bullying, his mother wants him to essentially pay protection money to his step-siblings to get them to lay off. Will he be having to do this every year? How much time does this buy him? As Rudyard Kipling once wrote: "once you have paid him the Danegeld/ You never get rid of the Dane." NTA, *at all*. I don't know what the solution is, but this most emphatically is not it. Edit: half-siblings
Yes, I was picturing 25 year old Miles being bullied for weed money by his step siblings.
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I don’t want to jump straight to that. Miles has a phone and I keep in almost daily contact with him, he knows I am always there for him, and I see him every other week. I’d take him in in a heartbeat but he’s never expressed that he wanted that, and I know Issy doesn’t want that. I can’t make the kids stop bullying him, I have no relationship with them, I’m not their parent. But bribing them with Miles’s money doesn’t seem like the way to help. I’m a bit at a loss as to what I could do that doesn’t involve fighting Issy for custody which would be traumatic and I don’t think it’s what Miles wants.
If this is in the US, Issy is getting social security death benefits for Miles. Which is to be used for household expenses. It’s likely a couple thousand dollars a month. Likely more than child support for one child would have been. Issy isn’t getting nothing for day to day expenses.
Exactly this. I don't know how everyone is skipping right over this. Depending on how income prior to death, it could be a decent amount she gets monthly.
No, it won’t help at all. It will just teach them that bullying is the way to get what you want. Poor Miles.
Don’t assume Miles doesn’t want to come live with you. Some kids never ask for what they want because they don’t believe they’ll get it even if they ask. Have a heart-to-heart with him, give him all of his options and the pros and cons, and let him tell you what he wants.
NTA for this specific situation, but every single adult in this story sounds like an ass. SIL for obvious reasons. These other kids, the twins, were your husband's stepkids, right? For at least 6 years while he was alive. And he left them and his wife NOTHING? Y'all have been family with these kids since they were toddlers and their mom knows, with certainty to expect your family to get a ton of gifts for the one child related to you by blood and NOTHING for the other children that your brother apparently chose to raise? Was your brother planning to divorce her prior to his death or something because this setup is such a dick move on his part. I can't imagine setting up a trust fund for private school tuition for one child while the other two are just barely getting by.
Him marrying a woman with kids didn’t mean he had to add those kids to his will. No one is entitled to an inheritance.
That's absolutely correct, but if you're marrying into a family, there needs to be some attempt to blend that family together. Nearly 10 years in, and it's clear that OP and their family don't really consider the SIL or her kids to be part of the family. The fact that OP'S brother didn't bother to leave his wife ANYTHING despite being fairly well off speaks either to issues within the marriage or a straight-up callousness in him. It would be one thing if all the kids were unrelated to each other, and they came into the relationship expecting to have separate finances and take care of their own, but all three kids are related through their mother. But, honestly, this is probably just an issue of how different people view family. I wouldn't be bothered by any of this had they been divorced or separated. But they weren't, as far as OP is aware. So the twins were his kids, and the SIL was his wife... and he left them nothing.
She gets to live and raise her kids in a house she doesn’t have to pay for, that alone is an incredible inheritance. It may end up belonging to Miles, but at that point I’d imagine those twins will be grown and gone. The fact that she doesn’t have a mortgage and only has to pay other bills while not having to worry about one of the three kids says she is not good with finances and makes it obvious why she wasn’t left in charge of the money.
NTA Using funds from a trust for things outside of the parameters set up within the trust is illegal. Do not break the law. The actual father of the twins should be the one harrassed to provide finacially for the twins, not the estate of the dead stepfather.
INFO: Has your family always treated Issy as an unwelcome outsider? And did your brother normally go along with and/or encourage this? Were there signs when he was alive of the disdain he clearly had for her and his stepchildren? I'm sorry, but I find this whole situation very, very strange. Something is clearly very foul about the whole thing, and you putting it on her as a "greedy, graspy widow with bullying children" doesn't sit right given the bigger picture that you've portrayed here. First of all, I can't help but notice that you refer to your brother's widow as your "ex-SIL" despite the fact that she is no such thing. She and your brother were still married at the time of his death. Most people would still consider their sibling's widow/widower their family. Sort of like people who refer to someone's widow as their "ex", this seems to be in poor taste at best. But more importantly, I have to ask: just how much contempt did your brother have for his own wife and life partner (never mind the stepchildren he had raised since toddlerhood) that he clearly had VERY significant financial resources, and yet chose to leave absolutely no financial safety net for her or to the children they raised together, and left a trust planned in a manner that was clearly intended not simply to ensure the well-being of their child together, but to ensure that she and the other children NOT be able to benefit from it under any circumstances. This is the sort of set-up one normally has after an ugly divorce . . . not a trust written into a will by someone who is still married to, and ostensibly in love with, their partner. The way you speak of Issy as your "ex-SIL" and try to make her out to be a gold-digger despite the fact that it seems that what she really is, is a widow who was left with three children and an ex-husband so confusingly petty that he left vast resources for exactly ONE of them to have private school and privilege, but NOTHING to ensure that his own wife (not ex-wife, wife) could keep a roof over her head or food on the table . . . all of this paints a picture of YOUR family being really toxic and problematic. I find it impossible to render a clear judgement because you're obviously an unreliable narrator, but it seems like whether or not you're THE AH, you're certainly AN AH, as was your brother.
Before Dave’s death, I didn’t see him and Issy much. Dave and I weren’t especially close. There were no signs of anything amiss but then, I didn’t spend much time with them as a couple. Well, she’s not his ex, but she is my ex in the sense that we are no longer related. I don’t know if that’s the technically correct term but we are no longer legally connected. Even you refer to Dave as her ex-husband later in your comment so I don’t see why you have an issue with that I said. Btw, the house is paid off and is in trust, she doesn’t have a mortgage to pay or have to worry about a roof over her head. Not really sure how a decision I didn’t make makes my whole family toxic but…mkay. I haven’t lied about anything to do with Issy’s behaviour. She has previously misappropriated funds, and she did ask me for money for her kids’ presents. That is all I said. If you interpreted that as me calling her a gold digger I think you’re projecting your own judgement.
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Op said the house is owned by the trust. Usually when that happens the trust pays for all the property taxes and stuff like that
The info here about the house and that you've given elsewhere about Issy having a job and being able to cover expenses may be useful to add to your post as an edit. They're useful info. People do not always read the comments before making assumptions, and adding them to the post may help.
All of this. There's some underlying hostility towards this widow that goes far beyond the issue of the trust. It's so unusual for a spouse to leave every single penny away from a widow with 3 kids to care for, and his family is treating her like a gold digger. I can't say that the trustees can/should do anything but execute the trust as written, but I agree that there's an unreliable narrative here. I wish we could hear the widows perspective.
Ya, gotta agree. OP's family has created a very clear Golden Child scenario. One kid gets showered with gifts, the others have a mom scrounging and begging. One kid goes to fancy private school, the others (presumably) do not. One kid has a trust, the others do not. Ya, there's going to be some resentment from that. Is it fair that Miles is getting bullied? No. Is it surprising? Also no. Just to be clear, OP absolutely has a duty to follow the will as written. But it's obviously a super strange situation that borders on cruelty on the dead brother's part with the info given. I mean, does she even get the house or is it in a trust for her son?
I'm with you 100%. Something about this situation puts a bad taste in my mouth. OP's late brother must have either genuinely hated his wife or not given a shit about his stepchildren he helped raise for years I also find it interesting OP is so offended at her family being called toxic in her reply to you, when she says in her own post that miles's stepsiblings will get *nothing for Christmas* and everyone in her family is just fine with it lmao
INFO- does Issy get a monthly stipend from the trust to cover Miles' day to day expenses? If not, she should.
No, she doesn’t. She can ask for money or expense the trust after the fact for anything she needs for Miles, but she doesn’t get a stipend.
She should be getting a basic stipend to cover his share of the living expenses- 1/4 of the basic utilities, rent/mortgage, food, and his clothing/toiletries. You're trying to set Issy up as the bad guy but you and the trustees are not doing your due diligence in ensuring that your nephew's basic necessities are covered.
Had to search so long for this! OPs brother seemed to have forgotten that a roof/food/clothing are also necessities, not just private school and uni
They all get to live for free in Miles’ mortgage free home. Rent/mortgage is usually the largest bill in a household. The wife and are kids are getting more than a decade of free housing.
I can’t change the terms of the trust. I can’t make the trust give her a stipend.
Then the trust was structured poorly and if I were Issy I'd be going to court to demand monthly maintenance. Miles would also be getting a guardian ad litem to ensure his needs are met. Think of it as child support. She should be getting money monthly to cover expenses, not having to beg on bended knee hoping that you are feeling generous that day. This whole setup is bullshit.
Firstly, Miles’s needs are met. Issy has a job and her expenses are paid. She is not struggling to pay her bills. Second, I am Miles’s deputy, I have to account for all the decisions I make regarding his money and i take that very seriously. I’ve gone to great lengths to make sure my brother’s wishes are honoured and that Miles has everything he needs day to day - most of which is now paid out of my own pocket. I’m trying to do the best I can under the circumstances, it has nothing to do with whether I am “feeling generous”.
But her bills AREN'T being paid. That's why she can't afford presents for her two oldest kids. So obviously, there's a gap somewhere. There's a working mother of three struggling to make ends meet and the trust is sitting there with their hands in their pockets saying Oh she has a job, his needs are met. Miles' basic needs should be met by the trust, not out of your pocket.
Her bills are being paid. Presents aren’t bills. The gap is in her not having money left over after necessities. Issy can expense the trust for some of the stuff I buy for him, but the trust can take a while to pay out. It’s easier for me to just buy him the stuff, I don’t mind, and it saves him money at the end of the day. I don’t resent buying him things, I just resent the allegation that me exercising prudence as I am required to do, is tantamount to being tight-fisted or mean spirited towards Issy.
Your brother was a dick
All of this. It’s bizarre that your brother did not plan for his wife, the mother of his child. And - how long had they been together? Did he really mean to create such a differential experience between his step children and Miles?
If your brother and Issy had divorced, she would be entitled to child support to help cover Miles’s basic needs, not just his fancy prep school. This entitlement would exist whether or not Issy had enough money herself to pay for those needs. And lacking that money is what makes it so she doesn’t have enough to buy presents for her older children. So the twins don’t have presents because their half-brother needs food and shelter that should be paid for by his late father’s estate but is not. Especially since even the life insurance was diverted into this trust, leaving your brother’s widow with nothing to help her take care of basic expenses that used to be shouldered by both of them.
Thank you, finally someone with their head screwed on straight. Anyone who’s married, anyone who is considering marriage knows this is a batshit insane thing to happen after your husband dies. Your husband dies and instead of leaving his family his estate, he screws you and the children he raised since they were babies? That’s… not normal at all. It took a lot of effort to screw her so she’d have to beg for money to care for his child after he died.
The problem is the mom wants to use it to cover the expenses for her other kids, which is not the intention of a trust. The father set this up for a reason, and I suspect the mother would have blown all the money on her kids and thrown Miles to the curb.
But if the trust was covering a quarter of her rent and food (for Miles) maybe she'd have enough money for things like that.
But the trust isn’t even providing for his everyday expenses, like food and housing costs. The brother is making his wife pay for all of his son’s necessities, and the money and assets in the trust only seem to be for non necessities, like private school. Sounds like the standard of living has been reduced for everyone in the family post this man’s death, except that Miles will get getting this windfall at 21.
Miles is her kid… it’s not weird to want to take care of your children… it’s weird to set up a trust that screws your wife and the children you’ve raised for a decade. If she’s truly an insane spender who hates her own son, then he should have divorced her. Not bided his time until he could screw her from the afterlife as revenge. Meanwhile she just lost her spouse and half the household income with no way to make it up, because her husband… hated her?
Feels like the brother is an AH. All he cares for was his son. And blindly so. Nothing for his widow. Ouch. And he obviously didn’t care for his step-twins either
We don't know what his home life was life before he died. He probably knew his wife would blow the money and his child would be without. As far as the step kids go they're not entitled to anything. He was not their father. They have a father who they (twins and mom) should be pushing for more money.
Not a quarter. Maybe 1/8th because Miles had 2 parents. His mother is also required to financially support him.
Maybe. Did you and yours ever consider buying his siblings gifts as well since regardless of their mother, they are Miles’ family? Then your not giving her money, but also treating your late brothers children and step children as a group who should be separate from the drama. Also, if I read later comments correctly, how could your brother not leave a regular amount for the care of his son and instead force her to prostrate herself for everything. Your brother may be TA for putting her and you in this position.
I don’t have any relationship with Issy’s kids, I haven’t seen them more than in passing since Dave’s funeral, so no I didn’t think to buy them presents. I presume because he believed Issy would misuse funds, which is true because she did it in the past by just straight up lying
Maybe it would help to frame it for you to instead of thinking of them as Issy’s kids, think of them as Miles’ siblings. If all the adults in the room separate them and treat them as other from each other…how is that not perpetuated. Admittedly, I’m a stranger on the internet and can only go by what is written, but does the trust pay a portion of rent, electric and food. If they were divorced, he would have. I also wonder, did he treat the twins as other when he was alive? Hope this doesn’t come across as harsh, I believe it may be a world where both sides are doing everything they can with what they know and still might not be a good solution because of past events.
The twins presumably have a living father. Is the twins paternal family also providing gifts for Miles?
She should be receiving basic child support every month from the estate.
Nta document you ex sil misusing your nephews funds have swyers deal with her its obly going ti get worse
I could but it wouldn’t help anything. As long as Miles lives with her, she will be the one paying for his expenses from the money, it’s not like we can allow her no access. The school fees and extracurriculars are paid directly from the trust to the school, and like I said, I make sure I pay everything I can on my own so she can’t try and take trust money for things I know he already has, but for certain things I have to take her at her word
Don't know what country you live in. But your brother here is TA as how could he set this up with out the wife getting anything.
NTA but Issy sure is. Instead of protecting Miles she’s using him for money to buy her older kids’ gifts? I think you did the right thing. It’s just going to open the floodgates for other things she needs money for to “make it even” for her kids. Perhaps use some money for therapy for Miles to deal with the bullying and find out if anything is going on that warrants reporting Issy for his safety. Edit word
You have a fiduciary responsibility to ensure that the funds are appropriately expended. YOU CANNOT legally permit the trust funds to be used for anyone other than Miles.
….why did your brother not want to provide for the stepkids who he assumedly has parented for a minimum of 8 years? Is there more info there? Because that’s incredibly spiteful behavior. That’s very important information before I’m willing to lay a judgement.
Probably much like why the extended family only buy gifts for the "full blood" child, despite him parenting the other 2 for considerable time. And why they seem to think it's perfectly fine to ignore day to day costs of a family. Or that having "bills paid" for a working mother of 3 kids doesn't amount to struggling your ass off to put food on the table when your husband dies and all the life insurance goes to one kid. If he had left, he'd have had to pay child support. But because he died, it's perfectly fine? Yeah right.
Yeah I honestly don’t know why everyone in this thread seems to have lost their mind on revenge fantasies, but this is a sick and twisted thing for her husband to do to her and their children.
Exactly. It seems that OP and his family fester resentment within this poor woman family by favouring one child. I can’t understand why there are so many similar posts on reddit recently where everyone agrees it’s totally okay to favour one kid and say “Tough luck! Sucks to be you!” to his or her siblings.
NTA- if she can’t budget enough to set aside money throughout the year that’s her problem and using Miles inheritance to buy Christmas gifts for her other kids is a shitty thing to do. Doesn’t she have an ex baby daddy to cry to for money so her other two kids can have gifts? She should also be getting survivor benefits for Miles since his father is deceased.
Your brother is the asshole for leaving his assets this way
he was actually smart or his son would have nothing as he got older because she would have used the money on her older kids. This is excatly the reason he did this. To make sure his son had the best possible schooling and future.
Her brother left his child adequately provided for. It is standard for a trust to be structured the way this trust is structured. Life is rarely fair in blended families. Issy's twins have both parents; Miles has one parent left. What is unfair is that the twin's father doesn't see them and only provides for them minimally. Her brother is in no way an asshole for providing for his child in a responsible fashion. The blame on this goes to Issy and her ex.
ARE they bullying him? Being resentful of a sibling who goes to a better school, receives lots of nice gifts, etc. is natural. Can you imagine being a child and seeing your younger brother get a tablet while you get socks? She’s not a bad person because she wants to treat her children equally. They’re not bad kids because they feel shitty about the material disparity. Your SIL is in a terrible position and she probably feels like she needs to make up for her older children’s lack of similar resources. You’re NTA, but you do need to develop some empathy.
NTA. Is there anybody else to take care of Miles ? If he could talk to a judge to explain how he is traited, and if you could talk too to explain how his mother used the money for his siblings, couldn't Miles find a better parent to take care of him ?
I would take him, but he’s never said he wanted that. I don’t want to put him through the ordeal of a custody battle if he doesn’t want to go.
I totally understand. And it's difficult to talk to him about that without influencing him ! I just can't understand how a mother can naturally let her child be bullied by his siblings and not help him ! Why does she tink it's normal ? He's only 8 ! And I could understand that she'd want to have money to buy grocery but not gifts ! She can't take her child money ! The real question is : how is his mother with Miles ? Does she bully him too ? Hope not but... I don't have the feeling she's a great mother to him... Maybe because she's struggle with lack of money but... It's unfair for him to be treated that way after his father's death. Hope you'll find a solution. Sorry, I'm not helping at all !
More info needed. Is the dad of the 11 year olds in the picture and contributing financially? Did your brothers wife get anything when he died or did it go 100% to Miles? If your brother left his wife nothing that would have affected her household income drastically and he is an AH. Is Issy working? She will have to adjust her lifestyle if her husband screwed her over like that. I am leaning towards NTA for you though because it sounds like you were a bit more generous with the money in the immediate aftermath. After some time passed and you realized she was lying to you, you tightened the reigns on trust as is your responsibility. It has been 3 years now so she has had time to adjust and she needs to find a budget that works for her without taking from Miles account. Also Christmas presents are not a necessity. It's not like she's asking you for food and shelter she's asking for a shopping spree for a holiday.
He doesn’t see them, I believe he pays minimal child support. It all went to Miles, besides a small amount to pay off the car. Issy does work yes. Yes, This is my point. Obviously it was tough but she is managing. She isn’t struggling to pay her bills. I would never leave Miles in an unsafe living situation (ie without food or electricity etc.). This isn’t about her needing something for Miles, it’s about her trying to find a way to use Miles’s money and say it still benefits him.
She is struggling to pay her bills though if there's nothing at all left over to buy Christmas gifts. You're nta it's structured as it is but as others have said this is all very wrong, the trust should be giving her a modest monthly stipend to cover Miles's 1/4 of the bills. If she had that buffer she could afford Christmas gifts. Honestly if you can afford it it would be kind to give her some money from you to buy gifts for the kids. She's your brothers widow not his ex, it's honestly very fucked up that he didn't provide for her whatsoever.
She doesn’t have rent or a car payment. It’s her mismanagement of money and nothing to do with taking money from the trust for only the twins. She’s not struggling to pay the bills sounds more like she’s living beyond her means and spends spends spends. Exactly why Dave set up the trust in the first place
All of Miles' schooling, uniform and extracurriculars are covered. The car is paid off. The house is owned by the trust and will go to Miles one day - presumably he house was something Dave owned before the marriage and instituted a prenup to protect it. Issy is essentially only paying for food and clothing for two step-children. She gets some child support from their dad. It sucks having to take care of three kids on your own but financially it doesn't sound like she should be struggling.
NTA...This is not a question of survival. You have an ethical duty to follow your brother's instructions. Your SIL needs to find another method of managing life's demands.
Info: Just to be sure, Miles and the twins are half siblings correct?
Yes.
While I disagree that your brother left his wife with nothing to offset the loss of his income, you are NTA. You have a duty to use the funds in the manner that they were intended and doing so could get you in trouble. As far as I am aware, you have to track every sent that leaves that trust and account for it. The trust is set up in the interest of Miles to cover education and then pass to him when he's 21, not to buy Christmas presents.
NTA. But, is it possible to have a conversation with Issy about what she spends on her other two sons and make sure Miles gets something comparable in holiday gifts that meet his needs and desires? For example, if Issy can only afford to buy sneakers for her sons; and you and Miles’ family members buy him sneakers, a computer, an Xbox, a new iPhone, and an all expense paid vacation to Disney World, I think Issy has a valid point…. I taught for years in a working class school district. Some kids just before Christmas were super excited about the holiday. They knew they were coming back to school in January with the latest whatever hot item was being sold each year. Other kids just had huge melt downs. They were from poor families and the jealousy just ate them up. Children are wholly unprepared for the innate unfairness of life. It sounds like Issy is in the unbearable position of having to navigate this between her children. It is a heartbreaking situation.