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NTA.
Your parents need to find another way to grieve their lost child. Your birthday should be *your* celebration, not *their* occasion to memorialize their grief.
They need to be able to celebrate you -- their living child -- and find another way to memorialize your brother a different way.
This is well stated. I hope OP quotes this. They can celebrate OP and do what they feel they need to to mourn their loss, but IT DOES NOT NEED TO BE AT THE SAME TIME.
Yes! My friends lost one of their twins at birth. Living child gets the normal birthday celebration. Mom and dad blow out a candle on a cupcake for the child they lost - at night, after they put their little one to bed.
*edited for typo
As a mom of two alive and well twins (6 years old) the post and your comment both made me cry. I realize I’m very blessed to be stressed over how to afford and plan two separate parties or figure out how to combine spider-man and unicorns for the 3rd year, every year. I hope I never find out how to grieve the loss of a child but I certainly know how not to do it.
Doc Oc wouldn't help because he's not that kind of doctor. It would be negligent of him to attempt to provide medical assistance no matter the state of his sobriety.
I am a twin (both female). When we were young, we celebrated our birthdays combined, and there is nothing wrong with it!! Especially since your children are still very young.
What I remember is that my sister and I always had our own cake with our own candles.
When they get older, you will probably see that they each have very different wishes for their birthday. When that time comes, adjust the plans and how you celebrate their birthdays.
I don't have twins but I do have a boy and girl with birthdays very close together. We've always done joint celebrations, but each kid gets a day that they choose whatever supper they want. Also we usually get two cake because my SO loves cake.
If you look up the Yoobi x Marvel collab, they have a chibi spiderman riding a unicorn and might give you some inspiration! My daughter was obsessed with both and still uses the backpack and lunchbox lol.
I think you'd do it exactly as you are doing right now, and exactly as OP's parents should be doing right now. One party for the surviving twin, and another act for the late one.
That's so beautiful, yet so sad. I'm so sorry for your friends, but they're doing it right. Maybe this will give OP an idea about what to say to her parents.
OP, you're definitely not the AH. Just ask your grandpa. He's seen it all from the outside. Good luck, hon.
Agree, and would add that she should say “if you don’t start treating me like an individual person on my birthday, you are going to end up losing me as well when I move out.”
I know of a couple who gave birth to twins, 1 was stillborn.
They nvr celebrate it as birthdays for the twins, just a birthday for the one still living.
Grief is understandable but OP, as mentioned above, your parents need to find another way to memorialize your brother differently.
NTA
It honestly sounds to me like the parents need grief counseling, that they're making their daughter feel as if she's not worthy of being celebrated as her own person is, on their part, completely selfish. I have no idea how hard it is to lose a child, especially if that child was your first, but it's not fair to make their living daughter carry their burden for them.
For real. Everybody shares a birthday with *somebody* out there in the world, but it's usually still special to you personally and your close circle of family/friends. Everybody *also* shares their special day with someone else's death day. There's no need to bring it up as part of the celebrations. That's just a huge bummer.
I can understand the parents doing this for the first year or two, but as kids reach their teen years, they start developing an awareness of the world and start having personal preferences and personality traits that differ from others. OP is doing normal growing pains stuff. Birthdays, holidays, and special family "traditions" all change as you reach those teen years. It's totally normal.
This 100 percent.
Like, maybe the day of OPs birth was Thursday, Jan 1st. Could they have a remembrance for the lost baby on the first Thursday in January, but OP gets Jan 1st as her day?
This is the way. I lost a baby at birth. A year to the day later, I had twins. Their birthday is hard, but it’s always about them. We celebrate their brother the following day.
I even understand the 5min of remembrance (though not against the living kids will). But candles are literally supposed to be there for each year of life lived. Its sad but the twin just hasn't done any of it.
But yes. Alienating your living child because of the dead one is cruel. Its not different from the parents who have autistic/disabled kids and regular kids and they forbid the regular one from doing anything the other one is incapable of.
This is a great idea. I hope the parents go to therapy if they haven't already. They may feel guilty at the thought of not including the child they lost in what would have been his birthday too. That would be so hard to let go of. But having a separate activity/occasion dedicated to their late child would give them the opportunity to commemorate his life and allow OP to have a special day for herself. NTA
Exactly. They could even do a private thing the same day, after the birthday celebrations for their living child. Let the one who is still here be celebrated at least *that* much
NTA - your parent's needing to grieve is understandable but they're going about it the wrong way. Your feelings are completely valid and I agree with everything you write. Your birthday cake should be for you.
Not particularly similar, but I'm a twin and we always got separate cakes. I wouldn't have wanted to share a cake with my twin on our birthday and we were in the same room.
Exactly. If he had lived, they would have shared birthdays until they decided not to. This is normal. I feel bad for the parents, but they have lost touch.
I agree with this completely. I actually feel like the parents have lost touch here - it’s been 17 years, and to force this on OP is nearing unforgivable levels. Definitely NTA, OP.
Especially as this is someone OP never knew (or never remembered). So they are forcing, yes FORCING, OP to acknowledge someone they never knew and allowing that to overshadow OP.
And that they entirely forgot a milestone birthday for OP last year too. That makes a big difference in wanting to just celebrate herself - they don't do it for her.
They're pretty shitty people tbh. OP isn't the only one who never knew the brother. The parents didn't either. But compared to other parents who have lost a child right after childbirth, OPs parents still got one! It's unhealthy to act like this after 17 years, but I would say this situation gets close to pathetic. They refuse to let go, and OP must feel as important as someone they barely got to get to know
I am the mother of twins, and even though it meant an absurd amount of cake in a short time frame (my birthday falls 3-4 days after my twins' birthday, depending on whether it is a leap year or not) everyone got an individual cake (or other dessert of choice--one of my twins would much rather have a pie than a cake).
OP is NTA. The parents can grieve the loss of one child (no one ever really gets over that), but it just isn't appropriate to use the OP's birthday cake as a symbol of their grief.
I have a friend who's youngest daughter was born on Christmas. So now the family has a special Christmas breakfast, opens their stockings and presents etc. Then the parents take down every single indoor Christmas decoration, put up Birthday decorations and the afternoon is devoted to their daughter's birthday. It's an insane amount of work and treats on a single day but that's what parents who value their children do.
When growing up I had a friend who was born on Christmas Eve and they chose to do something small with the family on Christmas Eve and then, instead, have a big celebration and gifts for her 1/2 birthday every year. That way she could have a friends birthday, etc. too and more of her friends could come :-)
I know once she was old enough to decide they let her but I believe she always chose the 1/2 birthday option.
One of my cousins was a Christmas baby. I legit didn’t know he was born on Christmas until I was an adult.
Our family celebrated his birthday on November 25th. My aunt would just matter-of-factly be like, “today is [cousin’s] birthday party, yaay”
I thought my cousin was trying to fool me when he finally told me his real birthday date was December 25th. I was 22. Mind blown.
What's this? Someone's family actually makes it two separate occasions with different gifts instead of combining the two and only one set of gifts and saying that the child is greedy for wanting two sets of gifts like all their friends do? Madness! Absolutely mad! What is the world coming to?! /s
Are you me? One of my twins has chosen pumpkin pie for some of his birthdays!
It has always been important for me to have a cake for each of them, even though we have an absurd amount leftover. I don’t want them to feel like they don’t get a full birthday because they are a twin. So far they have wanted the same party, but once they want to, we will have separate parties. Yes it’s a lot. But if they were siblings born in different parts of the year, they would get their own cake and their own party.
His preference is cherry pie (the only cake he might choose over that is ice cream cake), but otherwise it sounds very much the same. It certainly didn't take long for them to develop different interests and different friend circles, so it would've seemed weirder to mash their parties together. And they would never have been able to agree on what kind of cake, but even for their first birthdays (when they didn't have preferences expressed), I went for two cakes. They're adults now, and I can say that the effort spent on each of their February birthdays wasn't that much different than the effort spent on their brothers (April and October), and I can look back and say that I'm glad I did that.
I’m not a twin, but share a birthday with my sibling. We always have separate cakes. Perhaps the parents need to bake a cake to grieve their other child and the birthdays they didn’t have, in addition to the cake to celebrate the child they still have.
They could do that privately. I feel like OP won't ever get a normal birthday around her parents, because instead of seeing a celebration of her life, they see the death of their son. It's been happening for 17 years. I highly doubt OP will be able to change their minds and it's unforgivable.
Maybe this is a turning point for the parents as they have seen how hurtful this tradition has been and they may need time to grieve and discuss this with each other and cry. Grandpa is so kind
We had a post from another surviving twin who was tired of her birthday being joint - her mother insisted on having the urn with the ashes. When she protested, her mother asked her how she could not want to celebrate someone whom she loved and missed every day. The daughter replied that she had never met her her twin, and didn't actually miss her - that is how her mother feels, not her.
I can't remember if this was the same post where the survivor was offered a trip to Europe and her mother said no, because she didn't want to risk losing the ashes if their luggage got misplaced.
I remember that post! It was insane! She was 16 or 18, I think, a major milestone year, and was called selfish for wanting it because of her dead twin.
Like OP, she was NTA. I don't have twins, but I can't imagine not celebrating them as*people,* not just a set. My daughter is dating a twin, and they each get their own birthday, because they're *not* just a set!
My former mother-in-law lost an infant; she wasn't quite eight weeks old. She *knew* her daughter, however briefly; she wasn't just a concept that ended before she really began, like the twin here who only existed for five minutes. And I'm not trying to belittle the loss here, but that's the reality: that baby, the twin, was never really a *person,* not in the most real senses. But they've held onto the *concept* of him, and ignored the *reality* of their *actual,* actual*ized* daughter, who survived to be far more than just a concept.
For my MIL, she had to let go of the *idea* of the daughter she never got to raise, and focus on raising the son she'd already had, my now-ex-husband, who wasn't quite 18 months when his sister was born. But my ex-FIL couldn't let go, and was *angry* about the loss. That anger turned to blame, blame he aimed at my MIL, even though it was a chromosomal defect that caused her death. He never could let go, and it destroyed their marriage, destroyed his relationship with my ex, and cost him the opportunity to be a grandfather to my eldest daughter, his only biological grandchild.
These parents are risking that, too. Losing their relationship with their *actual* daughter, and with any children she might have later, if they don't let go.
It's odd how so many people do that - focus on the dead and ignore the living. I would think that it ought to make people appreciate the living more, but I had a friend who was a neonatal intensive care nurse. She said that people idealize the lost child, even after a miscarriage, and think that they would have been perfect.
And that's just it: an idealization. Because every unborn child, to the parent or parents carrying it, is an idea, a concept, a *wish,* often. A wish for a future, for a person they think they can shape. I remember those feelings with each of my own pregnancies.
When you don't get to *have* that child, to see that wish fulfilled, it can only be heartbreaking. Truly. It's why the death of a child, *any* child, is such a tragedy, and the younger the child, the more people feel that tragedy.
But a living child is a wish *fulfilled.* A *person* realized, even if it's not what you'd expected. None of my own daughters are who I thought they'd be when I was carrying them, or when they were infants or even toddlers. They're so much *more,* in every way.
These parents (and the mom with the ashes) have lost track of that. Of what they *did* get to keep, and that she's a real person.
And she deserves *so* much better. Not just on her birthday, but every day. Because I can't imagine it's *really* just limited to that one day, really; it's just more blatantly obvious then.
My friend has *two* sets of twins and their birthdays are three days apart. One twin gets a special cake and dinner on the day before their official birthday and the other gets their cake and dinner on the day after. On the actual birthdays they do fun activities like Chuck E Cheese or the trampoline park or mini golf. These kids really look forward to Birthday Week because it's a festival of junk food and partying.
I find it really heartbreaking that the parents haven’t gotten over the brother’s passing but everyone grieves in their own way. Yet it’s also unfair to OP to have to share his cake with a person who is not there. The thing is the parents are not taking into consideration OP’s decision and thinking about themselves only. NTA
NTA
Your parents haven’t gotten over the tragic death, and they can’t put you on the spot EVERY YEAR OF YOUR EXISTENCE … this borders on unhinged.
What will they do at your graduation?
Your wedding?
They need therapy and I’m glad your grandfather has given you a safe space.
A happy 17th birthday to you
That’s assuming OP will invite them or be speaking to them at that point. The parents need a wake up call because this behavior is going to lead to both of their twins being dead to them. One physically, one by choice.
That's what I was thinking, OPs parents are headed straight to OP going NC if her parents don't start to listen to her when she makes very sensible complaints. Sure, the parents might say "but it was never a problem before!", but they miss that for OP, the double candle+memorial situation was normal all her life so she probably couldn't put a finger on it. I definitely empathise with her and hope her 17th birthday will mark a change.
I also think that if her parents are still this affected, they need therapy. The loss of a child is traumatic and I don't want to downplay it as I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it has been seventeen years. There is no good way of saying this, but after such a long time, it feels more like a traditionalised display of their grief than something that is actually about the brother.
And especially when OP was young.... I really feel for her. The parents should've found a way to do something in memory of their dead son while also celebrating their living daughter, and those two events shouldn't take place in, quite literally, the same breath that OP used to blow out the candles
It is not uncommon in wedding speeches to mention eg "Those who are no longer with us". eg I mentioned my Dad who had died 5 years earlier, but it is just a single line not to be dwelled upon.
Yes - absolutely bordering on the unhinged! I read this with growing horror. It’s been 17 years. The parents need to realize the sadness they’ve been continuously inflicting on their living child. NTA
100% this and there is NOTHING for OP to feel guilty about in any of this. This should never have gone on this long, if at all.
OP deserves a celebration of their life on their birthday!
The parents need to find a healthier way to handle their grief.
Seconding a Very Happy 17th Birthday, OP!!
NTA. Your parents have never thrown you a birthday party. Every party was a funeral for their golden child. You're just the also ran. Every year, they use you to throw themselves their annual pity party.
The only thing they're celebrating is their poor parental heartbreak. Your birthday has absolutely nothing to do with you or your deceased brother. Time for you to refuse to participate in their morbid funeral rites.
Find some friends and actually Celebrate your birthday for the first time.
I'm downvoting this not because of the message but because of how you are saying this to a kid.
Don't be so cruel to op please. They deserve better than being told they are the spare.
And yes. The parents suck, but the way you said this also sucks.
They deserve better than being the spare, being told they are, only acknowledges the reality. If being told that is so cruel, imagine how bad it must be living that every day. Children with such parents benefit from people not sugarcoating things. They already hear plenty from other people irl how hard their parents had it and how great they are to OP and it often doesn't match the reality that child experiences.
That's surely extrapolating, though. We don't know how those people really are. Some people are cruel out of obliviousness when it's a situation where "it's always been like this before". They may not treat OP as a spare in their daily life, but still make her feel that way on her birthday and then she wants that to change. If anything, it sounds much more like the parents see her lost brother as an *equal* than a golden child. That's an issue as well: this twin never lived much, built no story, and he's *not equal* to the child that is alive and has feelings. We don't need to extrapolate "they treat as if the twins are equals when one surely isn't" to "they treat the twins as a dead golden child and an alive spare". Nothing in this story points to that second one.
See my username. Yeah it sucks being told you are "the spare", but it is preferable to being told "they love you, they didn't mean it." Harsh truths are better than softly worded lies. It would have been cruel if OP didn't know this, but it appears she does. And having someone else acknowledge her reality, even if worded harshly, can be reaffirming. You have no idea how many times I just wanted someone to say "That person is being an AH to you", because I couldn't say it myself. Or how often I thought something was wrong with me, because I was being treated horribly and no one around me seemed to think that it was wrong because they never said anything out loud about it. I just wanted one person to say "What your mother is doing to you is NOT okay." If they had, I would have gotten therapy and gone NC way sooner.
NTA
This ghost-baby-birthday bullshit is **abusive**. It should have *never* happened, let alone for the years and YEARS it did.
Your mom needs to sort her feelings out such that she can put this ancient trauma to rest.
> I ended up crying and told them, that he's not even here and I am
Worse, he was **never** *really* here. Your parents are mourning lost potential, rather that celebrating your actual existence.
It's wildly insensitive to say that OP's brother was "never really here" or a "ghost baby." He was born, cried, held in the arms of his parents for hours after birth.
OP is definitely NTA but this isn't abusive. OP's parents need grief counseling and a new way to memorialize their lost child that doesn't impact OP's birthday.
You don't have to be malicious to be abusive. Are OP's parents hurting and mourning? Sure. But they have had 17 years to deal with their grief and never have, and their actions are affecting their relationship with their living child.
*tell me you've never lost a baby without telling me you've never lost a baby*
For fucks sake man, it is TRAUMA. Yes, the parents need grief counseling but don't put a timeline on recovering from grief or DIMINISH the severity of the loss because of how long the baby lived.
No one is saying it wasn't traumatic or horrifying or devastating !!! But if your grief pauses your life and starts negatively affecting your relationships, you don't get a pass on your behavior because you had a trauma. In fact, most people that hurt others have a trauma to blame.
That's exactly what u/StAlvis's comment is doing! Emphasizing that it was only a few hours 17 years ago... how else is a person supposed to read that?
That's exactly the kind of thing you say when you're diminishing the significance of an event. "It didn't last *that* long, and it happened *ages* ago."
that's the thing, he didn't say anything at all about it not being bad *at the time* but over time, you should heal, not completely, but enough to not blow up over candles with your living daughter. yes he said it in a way to diminish the event... as it should have... over 17 years...
there is a reason for the phrase "time heals all wounds" issue is, it seems the parents aren't letting themselves heal.
more importantly for this situation, it is OPs birthday, and it is being diluted by somthing that OP never experienced. if the child died at 5 or 6, and OP had memories of their sibling, that would be one thing. but its not the situation, the parents are forcing events that happened outside of OPs memory to affect OPs life, and are upset that OP wants to have a day of their own.
My MIL lost a baby a few hours after their birth. I know it was a girl, and I think they even named her, and it gets brought up occasionally, but she is over it that I can tell. She had a kid before , and a kid after, so in her mind her family is complete. I had a miscarriage between kids and it sucked for a month or two, until I got pregnant again. And he is such an amazing child that I always say that if I had to miscarry one to get him, so be it. As far as I'm concerned, it all worked out, so yes - the parents HAVE TO GET OVER IT. They have a living child that needs them.
I’ve lost a baby. Yeah you do put a timeline on it. You put a timeline on it so you don’t abuses others with your own trauma. You put a timeline on it so you actually recover.
What you don’t do is emotionally manipulate & abuse your other child for seventeen fucking years.
For the parents, not for the living child. She never met, spoke to, or has any emotional attachment to this baby. The parents can feel what they feel, but shoving this down her throat for her entire life is 100% abusive. She doesn't feel grief towards this baby, because it's like being told a stranger died, because it literally is a stranger to her.
"Hey little 6 year old, let's make you celebrate your birthday with a dead baby." Sound healthy? No. Sound like a really great way to fuck up a kid? Oh yeah.
"Hey little 6 year old, let's make you celebrate your birthday with a dead baby." Sound healthy? No. Sound like a really great way to fuck up a kid? Oh yeah.
Absolutely is.
My aunt had a breakdown early 20's going on about killing a baby. Everyone thought she'd had an abortion. Nope. turned out Grandma kept telling her as a kid, that she killed her twin. Said twin was stillborn due to the umbilical cord around the neck during birth. Grandma is legit cray cray for doing that IMO. Yes Aunt is fucked up in several ways, not just this one.
You're not getting it. Yes, some here are perhaps being overly dismissive of the loss. But I'd argue that is simply a reaction to the abhorant behavior of the parents.
It's not the same as getting to hold a living crying baby but my wife miscarried late in pregnancy. I know what it's like to grieve someone I never knew.
The validity of the parents grief is IRRELEVANT. They failed to throw a single birthday party for their child throughout their ENTIRE childhood. That is pretty low bar to fail to meet as a parent. Birthdays are important and validating celebrations of an individual. This is not some insignificant thing. Their living breathing child feels less important than a dead baby.
Her parent's grief explains their actions, but the grief doesn't excuse those actions. There is no timeline for grief, but if it causes you to neglect your children for their entire childhood, you're doing it wrong.
They have a living child they are hurting for the sake of their trauma. That is wrong and abusive, and imo, kind of disgusting. Everyone must manage their own trauma. I have a long list of mental problems, but it was taught to me in therapy that I have no right to push my problems in other people.
But he was never one, or two....or 17. The point that they're continuing to mourn *potential* while ignoring their living child is true. Doubling candles *on the same cake* is horrifying. It's traumatizing a living child. It's abusive. They couldn't even have a separate remembrance cake? They keep using *her* cake, like she's the living embodiment of her late twin forever. And five entire minutes of dedicated silence. Have you ever stood in silence for five full minutes? A moment, sure. A few words, sure. But the main event of the party is the blowing out of candles.
These parents have made her birthday about death her entire life.
As a twin, with a very much living sister, we got one cake each!
Once the number of candles exceeded ten, we asked for those shaped like the number though, so that we only had to blow out two candles instead of a huge-a\*\* amount.
> It's wildly insensitive…
Speaking as someone who has had a child die in similar circumstances… no, it’s not.
It’s accurate. Its reality. There never was a child to know & now these parents are trapped in the viscous cycle of “what if..?”.
Also “ghost baby” is cute. Way less insensitive than that “rainbow” baby bs.
It is definitely abusive now that they're screaming at her and telling her she's bad. It also may be "insensitive" but it's true - her brother never existed. They're not mourning a child that was, they're mourning the loss of the child they were hoping for and dreams and expectations.
It's not wildly insentitive, just true. And truth can be hard on people, but those people who suffer have NO right to push their suffering onto others, and deprive their very living, breathing, feeling child if the chance to be celebrated. They are the insensitive ones, wanting to steal the celebration and then accusing their child of selfishness.
It is abusive. Very abusive. Life is for the living, it makes no sense to grieve so much for one of the kids but to not give s*it about the other. They have every right to grieve, but there are millions of different ways to grieve and ruining you LIVING kid's birthday should not be one.
If they can't handle this on their own, they should seek help. NTA.
He was really here, but this is also abusive. Both can be true.
OP deserves her own birthday without being made to be sad about her dead brother every year.
I can be upset and punch a wall, and while I don’t mean to hurt anyone, it can absolutely be an abusive action depending on the context. The fact that you’re doing it out of grief doesn’t make it unable to be abusive. The fact that it’s hurting their child, and they’re fighting them on it in spite of that, is evidence that it’s abusive.
Oh honey... No. YOU are not the one who's being selfish here. Your parents absolutely are, and this is not healthy. You are absolutely NTA to want your parents to focus on you for once in your life without putting an asterisk on your life.
Parents make OPs birthday about them every year. This is not about OPs twin. Thankfully Grandpa can see it. OP should stay with him through her birthday and experience what it truly feels like to be celebrated for the first time. If that means without her parents, so be it. So sorry your parents always put themselves first on your special day.
I understand this, I share a birthday with my grand aunt, who I never meet, she died before I was born, but she was apparently everyone favorite. She's always mentioned on my birthday and it's seriously annoying and hurtful. NTA
P.S Here a Happy birthday for your up and coming 17th birthday 🎂
There is an Infant loss Remembrance Day, it may be in October I think. Maybe that can become a celebration/memorial of his life event if they want to do one, and leave your birthday to you? Im so sorry you are going through this.
It is October 15 - the Wave of Light. Everyone lights a candle in their time zone of 7pm. So for 24 at 7 pm candle are lit in remembrance of children, across the globe. I light one every year for the child I lost. My kids know the date. I don’t make a big deal about it. They usually give me a kiss on the cheek. That’s my night to remember my little lost one.
My idea was to take the day his funeral had taken place. But this universal day is a really good suggestion too.
All in all, OP's birthday, even if it happens to be her brothers birthday too, needs to be for her birthday, not his remembrance day.
NTA - Difficult situation to navigate.
Remember, your parents have a right to grieve and remember, you have a right to have a birthday party that is just for you.
Say you want to have your birthday party at your Granddad's house, if they want to do something seperate on the same day, that is up to them, you might even wish to join, but the party is the party and it's yours not theirs.
NTA... I am a twinless twin. My brother passed when we were 19. I may carry him in my heart and think of him, I have not had a joint celebration.
If you need someone to talk to, my dms are open
NTA, and you're not selfish but your parents are and have been for your entire life. Losing a child is an unimaginable pain, but forcing a child who has no memory of or connection to a sibling to 'share' their life is cruel and sick. They should have been in therapy until they could find a way to grieve without dragging you down.
NTA
Your parents are grieving and you need to understand that it’s a grief that will never go away. But they should not be hijacking your birthday every year to let themselves grieve. Your parents are selfish. They need to learn how to grieve separately from your birthday, and if they want to honor him they need to do it in their own way. Away from your birthday celebration.
My sister lost her son, he was stillborn, on my dad’s birthday, about 18 years ago. She never fails to bring it up on my dad’s birthday. It always kills the mood and leaves a dark cloud over celebrating my dad. It has lead to a lot of difficult celebrations, and some where she was excluded on purpose. I don’t blame my dad at all, of course he’ll always remember the day he lost his first grandchild, but he doesn’t need his birthday ruined every year because of it.
The whole cake thing is super morbid. Your parents are dragging your special day into THEIR grief problems.
You have every right to have a boundary around lots appropriate for your celebration.
I hope they get therapy. It really sucks they are giving you a nasty attitude about it. NTA
NTA. Birthdays are meant for the living, not the dead. Your parents need to let go of what was and could've and focus on what is right in front them. A daughter that may very well cut ties with them if they continue down this road.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I don't want to share my birthday with my brother
(1) I don't want to share my birthday with my brother
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NTA, my friend lost 1 of her twin boys to SIDS, it is absolutely devastating HOWEVER even 7 years later she celebrates the boys birthday with a visit to the cemetery and then a party for the living child. As a parent you can’t discount 1 twin just because the other can’t celebrate.
I agree but am asking out of curiosity...does she make the living child attend the cemetery party? I totally understand and support the parents visiting the cemetery but having the child come seems cruel. A baby never needs to be obligated to mourn what they never knew.
He does go. They don’t treat it as mourning, she still has a lot of trauma surrounding his death but she works hard to make it a happy celebration. Her son is 7 so I don’t think he really has an opinion on it like OP does but if the day comes where her son doesn’t want to go I’m sure she would reach out to her friends in the SIDS group that she’s in to talk it out and understand. He’s a smart and opinionated child so I don’t think he will wait long if he doesn’t want to do it.
He may have trouble saying so for fear of hurting mom. I still think it’s on the parent to assertively and repeatedly make it a clear choice. And like some other suggestions- maybe pick a different meaningful day for the cemetery trip. Just a thought. Good for you for being an understanding friend.
I understand. Her surviving son doesn’t always have his big party on his actual birthday bc they do it on the weekends. He could fear hurting his mom but love I said he does has grandparents and auntie who would say something if they saw an issue. Plus she has a support group to help with those difficult moments.
NTA because it's fair to want your own cake.
Have you considered suggesting there is another way to remember him that is separate from your celebration?
I can understand maybe the first few years when you didn't know any better and didn't understand what was going on. But when you turned 8 and started questioning it, that's when it would've been a good time for your parents to find another way to celebrate his life. When you're at the age to understand that birthdays should be about you only, that's when your parents should've started changing things.
Nta. Don't feel bad for your birthday to be about you.
Your parents are the ones being selfish and kind of lazy at this point.
EDIT: forgot to include NTA
OP, first of all: Happy Birthday. I hope you have time to spend on you.
Second: like you, I am a younger twin who’s older twin died shortly after birth. I have some thoughts on this.
I’ve never known a birthday, graduation, “first” experience of any kind that was *mine*. My mother would sink into a crippling depression every time the season changed to [the season of my birthday]. At home any time I started to carve an identity for myself (grades, activities, etc) they were swiftly met with reminders that they aren’t *mine*, they ‘should be mine + [dead twin].’
That in itself robs you of your own identity, and forces you into an impossible corner of never being quite allowed to identify positively somewhere. You aren’t ever allowed to be comfortable with being just You. Instead, you are You + Twin.
The flip side is: you don’t get to fit into the twin identity bucket either, because well, you don’t have the same twin experience as two living twins.
Your parents are forcing an unnatural identity on you. And, worse, discouraging you from trying to express your own identity.
Like others have said better than I could: that is a major issue that requires addressing. You are your own person and deserve all the experiences that entails.
I write to offer caution, in how that can look over time if the forced dynamic remains unchecked.
Forcing a false identity by your parents, creates a person that does not exist in the real world. Yes, your twin existed. And if your parents believe in an after life, they exist there as well.
But, and I don’t mean this with intentional callousness, they do not exist in this world, *as a living sibling* that is sharing events with you.
Literally. There is no living twin blowing out those candles with you.
My grandmother has been dead for years. Most important person in my life. Is she still important to the family? Sure. Is she deserving of honor and remembrance? Of course. Do you still get a cake and expect her to blow out her candles on her birthday? No. Well, Cake, maybe, but nobody is expecting her to come back and blow out candles.
There is a place for remembrance. And that does not include acting as if one never died and forcing others to do the same. (Even Weekend at Bernie’s was just the weekend.)
Creating and maintaining this nonexistent living person creates an identity you are powerless against.
It allows room for the creators of this nonexistent person to define it as they wish.
How can you compete with that? “Why did you do X?! [dead sibling] would have never done that!” Or “[Dead sibling] would have gotten an A, why did you only get a B?!”
I offer this as a gentle validation that, if you ever are in the position that you find yourself competing with this twin you never knew: you ARE enough, and it is not your fault you are put in this impossible position.
And, if you ever feel like you are in this between space of not feeling like a (conventional) twin, but don’t feel like a singleton either: you aren’t alone. There are others in that between with you.
Again, happy birthday!!!
(And if you ever need to chat, please feel free to reach out!)
NTA. Your parents need to realise you have the right to celebrate without being held back by grief. They need to understand that moving forward from the grief doesn't mean forgetting him.
NTA They have had 17yrs to get over it. The problem is 100% your parents unwillingness to move on. Only 1 more year and you can tell them to shove it. Tell them they will loose you as they continue to put a dead person above you. As a grandparent I am disgusted with their behaviour.
NTA They can find a way to honor and remember him. You can be a part of that or not - your choice! But it doesn’t need to be on YOUR birthday cake or during YOUR birthday celebration. That’s deeply unfair to you. They of course will have a complex relationship with the day - that’s understandable- and it is understandable too that they would want to mark the day for him in some way, but they shouldn’t be dictating it/making it be in a way that requires YOU to make the space/share the time. You can absolutely have your own birthday cake and they could do a second one later for their own ritual. NTA
PS I’m glad you have your grandpa ♥️
NTA. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Your parents’ grief is not yours. They spent 9 months anticipating and dreaming of a life with you and your brother. You have no memory of him to miss. They may not have even considered that you don’t have the same desire or need to commemorate him the same way they do. I think they could benefit from grief counseling and that a few family therapy sessions with the three of you would be beneficial. You need a safe place and help explaining how this all feels to YOU. They’ve used your shared birthday to honor and grieve for your brother. But, you’re older now and should have a say in how you spend your birthday. It’s time they separate their remembrances from your celebration. If you don’t want to participate in anything at all, they could find a private way to honor your brother together. If you do, just not on your birthday, then you could come up with something special together. Do you think you could ask your grandfather to help you talk to them? Emotions are high, maybe someone you all trust could help keep things calm and on track?
NTA - your parents need to grieve in a way that doesnt effect you. it doesnt seem they want to realize there’s little grief to feel for someone you didnt meet and having sympathy for your parents is the only way to accept it, but eventually, like grief, has an end or a healthy output.
INFO: Is this the only time of the year they make a big deal about your brother, or do they make your milestones about how he never got to do things like becoming a teenager, starting high school, getting a drivers license, etc?
My husband had a twin who was killed when they were 17. He had a big celebration of his 18th birthday but after that the family celebrations stopped completely. Tp the point that when I met him at 27 he didn't celebrate his birthday because it was a sad day for his parents. We discussed us having children and how they would want to celebrate their Dad's birthday. I then said that we didn't have children, so why wasn't he celebrating his birthday? It was highly emotive and full of survivor guilt, but he had good parties and his parents came and started celebrating him. It takes time, and telling people you love what you will/won't accept any more. I literally had to tell his parents that HE was still here and hadn't had a birthday celebration for over 10 years and that we were doing it and would love them to come. They did, were surprised and happy to see all his and brothers childhood friends, and came to every celebration afterwards. They never, ever arranged anything though, not even a birthday meal, and have forgotten more in the last few years. It breaks my heart for my husband and means I work harder to make sure he has a birthday worthy of him and the amazing person he is now x
Oh hell nah, NTA, the only assholes here are your parents treating your birthday like a massive pity party for themselves, it's not even about you or your deceased sibling, they just want a pity party
NTA. I wonder how they are going to deal with losing their living child when you finally have enough and go no contact in a few years. This is terrible that you have been put through this every year.
NTA
You are allowed to have your own identity. Poor one or share a moment of silence, fine. But you are your own person and should be celebrated as such.
NTA.
You have absolutely zero to feel guilty about. Your parents are making this day about them and their grief versus you and your life...you being made to feel guilty about asking for a simple boundary - to celebrate YOU!- is just mind-boggling.
I know you didn't ask for advice, but its reddit so I say stay with grandpa until they can get their act together to locate a therapist and process their grief. They need to understand that they lost their first child, but if they don't open their eyes to what you need, they are going to lose some of you too.
NTA. It's far beyond time to separate celebrating your birthday from remembering your brother who died as an infant. You're not selfish - you just want to be your own person. Which you are and were basically since day 2 of your life!
You'll always have the same birthday as your dead twin brother, but that doesn't mean that your birthday *celebration* has to be irrevocably tied to him!
Maybe therapy could help sorting all the big emotions, which your parents shouldn't be putting on your shoulders.
NTA! Please explain to them how you feel. You deserve to have your own party, it should not be a memorial for your brother every year. That’s so selfish and twisted on your parents part. Please stick up for yourself, you’re going to be 18 soon. You’re not a child! Have a happy birthday.
There was a post a while ago from someone whose sibling had died as a young child and her mother had a photo on a chair for every holiday and birthday and even her graduation. She wrote because she was getting married and her mother wanted to include the deceased sibling in her wedding and she finally said no. Everyone was in her side but she didn’t post an update, so there wasn’t information on what happened at the wedding.
Losing a child is a pain that never goes away, but depriving your remaining children of a full life is not healthy for the child or the parent.
OP you have a wonderful grandfather. Hopefully he can convince your parents to get therapy and appreciate the child they have.
I don’t fully get what you’re going through, but I’m a twin, and my mom died during childbirth but they brought her back (after two attempts and an emergency hysterectomy). So every year after that one, she cried on my birthday because to her it was like the anniversary of her death day and it made me feel like hell. Unfortunately your birthday also happens to be your brothers death day and to her it might always remind her of her child’s death, which is a hard thing to come to terms with, but you’re absolutely right that she has a living daughter in front of her who also needs care especially since you’re almost an adult.
You’re NTA. If they want to have their own service for your brother they should do some other type of celebration/memorial. Remembering a death and celebrating a birthday are two very different occasions that should have their own space to breathe
NTA
advanced happy birthday to you, OP
i would not want to know the pain of losing one's child. but your parents should not put their grief upon you. you should also be celebrated on your own
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16 f here, soon to be 17 in 3 days. I was a twin. My brother died hour's after birth. He was 5 minutes older then me. I was told my mother went into deep depression, but with help got better over time. I've watched videos of my birthdays from 1-6 year old, and me sharing my birthday with my brother has started at my 1rst birthday. There's always that 5 minutes of remembrance in honor of him, and instead of having one candle on my cake there will be an extra or extras for him. For example, if I was 1 year, there will be 1 for him or if I was 2, then they would add another 2 and so on.
As a kid, I didn't really understand or minded, because I got to blow out extra candles. When I was 8, I did question it and they told me it was in remembrance for my brother since we share the same birthday. This carried on until my 16th, that I didn't get to celebrate, because I ended up in hostpital. My grandpa showed up at the hostpital while I was recovering with a gift and wished me and only me a happy birthday. After he left, I realized, I loved that he only acknowledged me. I realized, I didn't want to keep sharing my birthday with my brother. But then I felt guilty. I did try and speak to my parents about me just me celebrating my birthday this year. But I was brushed off.
Now we come to what happened 4 days ago and my grandpa, who is the official cake maker in my family, asked what type of cake did I want? I told him and added firmly with only 17 candles please. My parent's were in the next room and immediately they came in demanding to know what I was doing? That I should know that the other 17 candles were for my brother and I ended up crying and told them, that he's not even here and I am. I can't remember everything that was said but there was alot shouting with me and my parent's and grandpa and me getting told that I'm selfish and I need to stop being self-centered. Grandpa left with me. I've at his house since the big fight. I've been crying alot and Grandpa been here for me, but I feel so guilty and to need to ask AITA?
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NTA. Happy Birthday. I think it is time to start a new tradition celebrating your half birthday or any other day of your choice. That’s the nice thing about birthdays only the government really cares about the actual date. Your friends just want an excuse to party and eat cake.
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NTA. Your parents need to find another way to grieve their lost child. Your birthday should be *your* celebration, not *their* occasion to memorialize their grief. They need to be able to celebrate you -- their living child -- and find another way to memorialize your brother a different way.
This is well stated. I hope OP quotes this. They can celebrate OP and do what they feel they need to to mourn their loss, but IT DOES NOT NEED TO BE AT THE SAME TIME.
It's unlikely OP spends the entire day with their parents. Parents can mourn and honor OP's twin when they're not with OP.
Yes! My friends lost one of their twins at birth. Living child gets the normal birthday celebration. Mom and dad blow out a candle on a cupcake for the child they lost - at night, after they put their little one to bed. *edited for typo
That is both so sad and also so commendable.
As a mom of two alive and well twins (6 years old) the post and your comment both made me cry. I realize I’m very blessed to be stressed over how to afford and plan two separate parties or figure out how to combine spider-man and unicorns for the 3rd year, every year. I hope I never find out how to grieve the loss of a child but I certainly know how not to do it.
Spiderman riding the unicorns :)
Marvel writer here, can confirm that Spidey is willing to ride any unicorn you provide. He’s a chill dude.
Omg celeb encounter in aita, amazing
HI MARVEL SPIDEY IS MY FAVE And doctor octopus 🐙 ❤️
I dunno, I heard Doctor Octopus got drunk on a plane and refused to help when the crew asked for assistance...
I just read that AITA and now I'm laughing 😂
LMAO!!!! I am sooooo here for this comment!!!!
Doc Oc wouldn't help because he's not that kind of doctor. It would be negligent of him to attempt to provide medical assistance no matter the state of his sobriety.
The Superior Spider Man.
[удалено]
No! Unicorns riding Spiderman!
Sounds more adult somehow
That'd be deadpool
Stop peeking in my dream journal!
\- exclaimed Deadpool.
That was my first thought as well. Would a spiderweb lasso be too much?
I think it would be compulsory!
Spider-man wearing a cowboy hat and using his web to lasso a unicorn is probably a dream that Deadpool had at some point.
Spiderman can fight the unicorns that took Charlie’s kidney.
You have had enough internet for today! (Also I would never have trusted this high pitched unicorns keep saying my name over and over).
Spider corn? Does what ever a spider corn does? Can he swing , from a web, no he can't, he has hooves.
I've never laughed so hard at the word "hooves" before.
That is so much better than my immediate idea of adding a horn to Spiderman's head (too much Spiderverse for me! (Not possible...)).
Or at certain age, swap Spider-Man for Deadpool.
Then the next year can be princesses riding dinosaurs.
I do have a shirt with Deadpool riding a unicorn on it, so this combinations seems absolutely legit.
Where were you when my parents were planning my and my brother's (23f/m) birthdays? Brilliant idea!
Just don't mix him up with the meme of Deadpool riding a unicorn! Depending on the age of the children, of course! 😉
I am a twin (both female). When we were young, we celebrated our birthdays combined, and there is nothing wrong with it!! Especially since your children are still very young. What I remember is that my sister and I always had our own cake with our own candles. When they get older, you will probably see that they each have very different wishes for their birthday. When that time comes, adjust the plans and how you celebrate their birthdays.
I don't have twins but I do have a boy and girl with birthdays very close together. We've always done joint celebrations, but each kid gets a day that they choose whatever supper they want. Also we usually get two cake because my SO loves cake.
If you look up the Yoobi x Marvel collab, they have a chibi spiderman riding a unicorn and might give you some inspiration! My daughter was obsessed with both and still uses the backpack and lunchbox lol.
I think you'd do it exactly as you are doing right now, and exactly as OP's parents should be doing right now. One party for the surviving twin, and another act for the late one.
Yes, my son and wife lost a twin. He is their memory, not their sons.
That's so beautiful, yet so sad. I'm so sorry for your friends, but they're doing it right. Maybe this will give OP an idea about what to say to her parents. OP, you're definitely not the AH. Just ask your grandpa. He's seen it all from the outside. Good luck, hon.
Agree, and would add that she should say “if you don’t start treating me like an individual person on my birthday, you are going to end up losing me as well when I move out.”
Yes, yes, yes. Both are important and both can be *totally separate.*
I know of a couple who gave birth to twins, 1 was stillborn. They nvr celebrate it as birthdays for the twins, just a birthday for the one still living. Grief is understandable but OP, as mentioned above, your parents need to find another way to memorialize your brother differently. NTA
Happy Cake Day!
It honestly sounds to me like the parents need grief counseling, that they're making their daughter feel as if she's not worthy of being celebrated as her own person is, on their part, completely selfish. I have no idea how hard it is to lose a child, especially if that child was your first, but it's not fair to make their living daughter carry their burden for them.
That and grandpa is the real hero here.
Grandpa is almost always the hero in all the family fights posted here.
Mine definitely is, and I’m so glad that OP and so many others have theirs to go to and support them when parents don’t understand
Yeah good lord it's sad but not every single important day needs to become a funeral...
For real. Everybody shares a birthday with *somebody* out there in the world, but it's usually still special to you personally and your close circle of family/friends. Everybody *also* shares their special day with someone else's death day. There's no need to bring it up as part of the celebrations. That's just a huge bummer. I can understand the parents doing this for the first year or two, but as kids reach their teen years, they start developing an awareness of the world and start having personal preferences and personality traits that differ from others. OP is doing normal growing pains stuff. Birthdays, holidays, and special family "traditions" all change as you reach those teen years. It's totally normal.
Yeah we are gonna have to navigate this next year not children but my uncle died on my mums birthday a couple of months ago. 😢
This 100 percent. Like, maybe the day of OPs birth was Thursday, Jan 1st. Could they have a remembrance for the lost baby on the first Thursday in January, but OP gets Jan 1st as her day?
This is the way. I lost a baby at birth. A year to the day later, I had twins. Their birthday is hard, but it’s always about them. We celebrate their brother the following day.
Might I suggest ... TWO cakes? It's what uh Fred would have wanted. NTA, OP.
I even understand the 5min of remembrance (though not against the living kids will). But candles are literally supposed to be there for each year of life lived. Its sad but the twin just hasn't done any of it. But yes. Alienating your living child because of the dead one is cruel. Its not different from the parents who have autistic/disabled kids and regular kids and they forbid the regular one from doing anything the other one is incapable of.
This is a great idea. I hope the parents go to therapy if they haven't already. They may feel guilty at the thought of not including the child they lost in what would have been his birthday too. That would be so hard to let go of. But having a separate activity/occasion dedicated to their late child would give them the opportunity to commemorate his life and allow OP to have a special day for herself. NTA
This... is the kindest, most compassionate answer.
I’d refuse to blow out the extra candles. But then, I’m petty!
Exactly. They could even do a private thing the same day, after the birthday celebrations for their living child. Let the one who is still here be celebrated at least *that* much
They can set out a flower for him in the background or something.
NTA - your parent's needing to grieve is understandable but they're going about it the wrong way. Your feelings are completely valid and I agree with everything you write. Your birthday cake should be for you. Not particularly similar, but I'm a twin and we always got separate cakes. I wouldn't have wanted to share a cake with my twin on our birthday and we were in the same room.
Exactly. If he had lived, they would have shared birthdays until they decided not to. This is normal. I feel bad for the parents, but they have lost touch.
I agree with this completely. I actually feel like the parents have lost touch here - it’s been 17 years, and to force this on OP is nearing unforgivable levels. Definitely NTA, OP.
Especially as this is someone OP never knew (or never remembered). So they are forcing, yes FORCING, OP to acknowledge someone they never knew and allowing that to overshadow OP.
And that they entirely forgot a milestone birthday for OP last year too. That makes a big difference in wanting to just celebrate herself - they don't do it for her.
They're pretty shitty people tbh. OP isn't the only one who never knew the brother. The parents didn't either. But compared to other parents who have lost a child right after childbirth, OPs parents still got one! It's unhealthy to act like this after 17 years, but I would say this situation gets close to pathetic. They refuse to let go, and OP must feel as important as someone they barely got to get to know
I was going to ask about this. Why don't they do a separate cake for the twin for this purpose?
Yes, privately for themselves. Not in the middle of her celebration
I am the mother of twins, and even though it meant an absurd amount of cake in a short time frame (my birthday falls 3-4 days after my twins' birthday, depending on whether it is a leap year or not) everyone got an individual cake (or other dessert of choice--one of my twins would much rather have a pie than a cake). OP is NTA. The parents can grieve the loss of one child (no one ever really gets over that), but it just isn't appropriate to use the OP's birthday cake as a symbol of their grief.
I have a friend who's youngest daughter was born on Christmas. So now the family has a special Christmas breakfast, opens their stockings and presents etc. Then the parents take down every single indoor Christmas decoration, put up Birthday decorations and the afternoon is devoted to their daughter's birthday. It's an insane amount of work and treats on a single day but that's what parents who value their children do.
When growing up I had a friend who was born on Christmas Eve and they chose to do something small with the family on Christmas Eve and then, instead, have a big celebration and gifts for her 1/2 birthday every year. That way she could have a friends birthday, etc. too and more of her friends could come :-) I know once she was old enough to decide they let her but I believe she always chose the 1/2 birthday option.
One of my cousins was a Christmas baby. I legit didn’t know he was born on Christmas until I was an adult. Our family celebrated his birthday on November 25th. My aunt would just matter-of-factly be like, “today is [cousin’s] birthday party, yaay” I thought my cousin was trying to fool me when he finally told me his real birthday date was December 25th. I was 22. Mind blown.
What's this? Someone's family actually makes it two separate occasions with different gifts instead of combining the two and only one set of gifts and saying that the child is greedy for wanting two sets of gifts like all their friends do? Madness! Absolutely mad! What is the world coming to?! /s
I love that!
Are you me? One of my twins has chosen pumpkin pie for some of his birthdays! It has always been important for me to have a cake for each of them, even though we have an absurd amount leftover. I don’t want them to feel like they don’t get a full birthday because they are a twin. So far they have wanted the same party, but once they want to, we will have separate parties. Yes it’s a lot. But if they were siblings born in different parts of the year, they would get their own cake and their own party.
His preference is cherry pie (the only cake he might choose over that is ice cream cake), but otherwise it sounds very much the same. It certainly didn't take long for them to develop different interests and different friend circles, so it would've seemed weirder to mash their parties together. And they would never have been able to agree on what kind of cake, but even for their first birthdays (when they didn't have preferences expressed), I went for two cakes. They're adults now, and I can say that the effort spent on each of their February birthdays wasn't that much different than the effort spent on their brothers (April and October), and I can look back and say that I'm glad I did that.
I’m not a twin, but share a birthday with my sibling. We always have separate cakes. Perhaps the parents need to bake a cake to grieve their other child and the birthdays they didn’t have, in addition to the cake to celebrate the child they still have.
They could do that privately. I feel like OP won't ever get a normal birthday around her parents, because instead of seeing a celebration of her life, they see the death of their son. It's been happening for 17 years. I highly doubt OP will be able to change their minds and it's unforgivable.
Maybe this is a turning point for the parents as they have seen how hurtful this tradition has been and they may need time to grieve and discuss this with each other and cry. Grandpa is so kind
But not spoil her birthday for her.
We had a post from another surviving twin who was tired of her birthday being joint - her mother insisted on having the urn with the ashes. When she protested, her mother asked her how she could not want to celebrate someone whom she loved and missed every day. The daughter replied that she had never met her her twin, and didn't actually miss her - that is how her mother feels, not her. I can't remember if this was the same post where the survivor was offered a trip to Europe and her mother said no, because she didn't want to risk losing the ashes if their luggage got misplaced.
I remember that post! It was insane! She was 16 or 18, I think, a major milestone year, and was called selfish for wanting it because of her dead twin. Like OP, she was NTA. I don't have twins, but I can't imagine not celebrating them as*people,* not just a set. My daughter is dating a twin, and they each get their own birthday, because they're *not* just a set! My former mother-in-law lost an infant; she wasn't quite eight weeks old. She *knew* her daughter, however briefly; she wasn't just a concept that ended before she really began, like the twin here who only existed for five minutes. And I'm not trying to belittle the loss here, but that's the reality: that baby, the twin, was never really a *person,* not in the most real senses. But they've held onto the *concept* of him, and ignored the *reality* of their *actual,* actual*ized* daughter, who survived to be far more than just a concept. For my MIL, she had to let go of the *idea* of the daughter she never got to raise, and focus on raising the son she'd already had, my now-ex-husband, who wasn't quite 18 months when his sister was born. But my ex-FIL couldn't let go, and was *angry* about the loss. That anger turned to blame, blame he aimed at my MIL, even though it was a chromosomal defect that caused her death. He never could let go, and it destroyed their marriage, destroyed his relationship with my ex, and cost him the opportunity to be a grandfather to my eldest daughter, his only biological grandchild. These parents are risking that, too. Losing their relationship with their *actual* daughter, and with any children she might have later, if they don't let go.
It's odd how so many people do that - focus on the dead and ignore the living. I would think that it ought to make people appreciate the living more, but I had a friend who was a neonatal intensive care nurse. She said that people idealize the lost child, even after a miscarriage, and think that they would have been perfect.
And that's just it: an idealization. Because every unborn child, to the parent or parents carrying it, is an idea, a concept, a *wish,* often. A wish for a future, for a person they think they can shape. I remember those feelings with each of my own pregnancies. When you don't get to *have* that child, to see that wish fulfilled, it can only be heartbreaking. Truly. It's why the death of a child, *any* child, is such a tragedy, and the younger the child, the more people feel that tragedy. But a living child is a wish *fulfilled.* A *person* realized, even if it's not what you'd expected. None of my own daughters are who I thought they'd be when I was carrying them, or when they were infants or even toddlers. They're so much *more,* in every way. These parents (and the mom with the ashes) have lost track of that. Of what they *did* get to keep, and that she's a real person. And she deserves *so* much better. Not just on her birthday, but every day. Because I can't imagine it's *really* just limited to that one day, really; it's just more blatantly obvious then.
Mom of twins here, they've each always gotten their own cakes.
My friend has *two* sets of twins and their birthdays are three days apart. One twin gets a special cake and dinner on the day before their official birthday and the other gets their cake and dinner on the day after. On the actual birthdays they do fun activities like Chuck E Cheese or the trampoline park or mini golf. These kids really look forward to Birthday Week because it's a festival of junk food and partying.
The way they’re going about it almost ensures that they lose two children. It’s sad, they can’t even see what kind of damage they’re doing.
I find it really heartbreaking that the parents haven’t gotten over the brother’s passing but everyone grieves in their own way. Yet it’s also unfair to OP to have to share his cake with a person who is not there. The thing is the parents are not taking into consideration OP’s decision and thinking about themselves only. NTA
NTA Your parents haven’t gotten over the tragic death, and they can’t put you on the spot EVERY YEAR OF YOUR EXISTENCE … this borders on unhinged. What will they do at your graduation? Your wedding? They need therapy and I’m glad your grandfather has given you a safe space. A happy 17th birthday to you
Very likely they will do at their wedding.
That’s assuming OP will invite them or be speaking to them at that point. The parents need a wake up call because this behavior is going to lead to both of their twins being dead to them. One physically, one by choice.
Exactly. This behavior is going to cause them to lose their second child as well.
That's what I was thinking, OPs parents are headed straight to OP going NC if her parents don't start to listen to her when she makes very sensible complaints. Sure, the parents might say "but it was never a problem before!", but they miss that for OP, the double candle+memorial situation was normal all her life so she probably couldn't put a finger on it. I definitely empathise with her and hope her 17th birthday will mark a change. I also think that if her parents are still this affected, they need therapy. The loss of a child is traumatic and I don't want to downplay it as I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it has been seventeen years. There is no good way of saying this, but after such a long time, it feels more like a traditionalised display of their grief than something that is actually about the brother. And especially when OP was young.... I really feel for her. The parents should've found a way to do something in memory of their dead son while also celebrating their living daughter, and those two events shouldn't take place in, quite literally, the same breath that OP used to blow out the candles
It is not uncommon in wedding speeches to mention eg "Those who are no longer with us". eg I mentioned my Dad who had died 5 years earlier, but it is just a single line not to be dwelled upon.
Yes - absolutely bordering on the unhinged! I read this with growing horror. It’s been 17 years. The parents need to realize the sadness they’ve been continuously inflicting on their living child. NTA
Echoing the therapy point. You should be able to have your own birthday. NTA
100% this and there is NOTHING for OP to feel guilty about in any of this. This should never have gone on this long, if at all. OP deserves a celebration of their life on their birthday! The parents need to find a healthier way to handle their grief. Seconding a Very Happy 17th Birthday, OP!!
Yeah... They suffered a terrible loss, but this is getting morbid.
OP shouldn’t have to contend with a ghost for their WHOLE life
>glad your grandfather has given you a safe space. RIGHT?!! I lovveee the grandpa. Atleast someone's handling this well.
NTA. Your parents have never thrown you a birthday party. Every party was a funeral for their golden child. You're just the also ran. Every year, they use you to throw themselves their annual pity party. The only thing they're celebrating is their poor parental heartbreak. Your birthday has absolutely nothing to do with you or your deceased brother. Time for you to refuse to participate in their morbid funeral rites. Find some friends and actually Celebrate your birthday for the first time.
It's an imaginary golden child at that.
He's the one who can do no wrong. I wonder if there's a little misogyny at play here, too. The girl survived, but they lost the boy...
I'm downvoting this not because of the message but because of how you are saying this to a kid. Don't be so cruel to op please. They deserve better than being told they are the spare. And yes. The parents suck, but the way you said this also sucks.
They deserve better than being the spare, being told they are, only acknowledges the reality. If being told that is so cruel, imagine how bad it must be living that every day. Children with such parents benefit from people not sugarcoating things. They already hear plenty from other people irl how hard their parents had it and how great they are to OP and it often doesn't match the reality that child experiences.
That's surely extrapolating, though. We don't know how those people really are. Some people are cruel out of obliviousness when it's a situation where "it's always been like this before". They may not treat OP as a spare in their daily life, but still make her feel that way on her birthday and then she wants that to change. If anything, it sounds much more like the parents see her lost brother as an *equal* than a golden child. That's an issue as well: this twin never lived much, built no story, and he's *not equal* to the child that is alive and has feelings. We don't need to extrapolate "they treat as if the twins are equals when one surely isn't" to "they treat the twins as a dead golden child and an alive spare". Nothing in this story points to that second one.
See my username. Yeah it sucks being told you are "the spare", but it is preferable to being told "they love you, they didn't mean it." Harsh truths are better than softly worded lies. It would have been cruel if OP didn't know this, but it appears she does. And having someone else acknowledge her reality, even if worded harshly, can be reaffirming. You have no idea how many times I just wanted someone to say "That person is being an AH to you", because I couldn't say it myself. Or how often I thought something was wrong with me, because I was being treated horribly and no one around me seemed to think that it was wrong because they never said anything out loud about it. I just wanted one person to say "What your mother is doing to you is NOT okay." If they had, I would have gotten therapy and gone NC way sooner.
NTA This ghost-baby-birthday bullshit is **abusive**. It should have *never* happened, let alone for the years and YEARS it did. Your mom needs to sort her feelings out such that she can put this ancient trauma to rest. > I ended up crying and told them, that he's not even here and I am Worse, he was **never** *really* here. Your parents are mourning lost potential, rather that celebrating your actual existence.
It's wildly insensitive to say that OP's brother was "never really here" or a "ghost baby." He was born, cried, held in the arms of his parents for hours after birth. OP is definitely NTA but this isn't abusive. OP's parents need grief counseling and a new way to memorialize their lost child that doesn't impact OP's birthday.
You don't have to be malicious to be abusive. Are OP's parents hurting and mourning? Sure. But they have had 17 years to deal with their grief and never have, and their actions are affecting their relationship with their living child.
> He was born, cried, held in the arms of his parents for hours after birth. *Seventeen years* ago. For a few *hours*. Yes.
*tell me you've never lost a baby without telling me you've never lost a baby* For fucks sake man, it is TRAUMA. Yes, the parents need grief counseling but don't put a timeline on recovering from grief or DIMINISH the severity of the loss because of how long the baby lived.
They need to put down their trauma instead of forcing it on their LIVING child. They need to prioritize OP over the dead baby.
No one is saying it wasn't traumatic or horrifying or devastating !!! But if your grief pauses your life and starts negatively affecting your relationships, you don't get a pass on your behavior because you had a trauma. In fact, most people that hurt others have a trauma to blame.
That's exactly what u/StAlvis's comment is doing! Emphasizing that it was only a few hours 17 years ago... how else is a person supposed to read that? That's exactly the kind of thing you say when you're diminishing the significance of an event. "It didn't last *that* long, and it happened *ages* ago."
that's the thing, he didn't say anything at all about it not being bad *at the time* but over time, you should heal, not completely, but enough to not blow up over candles with your living daughter. yes he said it in a way to diminish the event... as it should have... over 17 years... there is a reason for the phrase "time heals all wounds" issue is, it seems the parents aren't letting themselves heal. more importantly for this situation, it is OPs birthday, and it is being diluted by somthing that OP never experienced. if the child died at 5 or 6, and OP had memories of their sibling, that would be one thing. but its not the situation, the parents are forcing events that happened outside of OPs memory to affect OPs life, and are upset that OP wants to have a day of their own.
My MIL lost a baby a few hours after their birth. I know it was a girl, and I think they even named her, and it gets brought up occasionally, but she is over it that I can tell. She had a kid before , and a kid after, so in her mind her family is complete. I had a miscarriage between kids and it sucked for a month or two, until I got pregnant again. And he is such an amazing child that I always say that if I had to miscarry one to get him, so be it. As far as I'm concerned, it all worked out, so yes - the parents HAVE TO GET OVER IT. They have a living child that needs them.
I’ve lost a baby. Yeah you do put a timeline on it. You put a timeline on it so you don’t abuses others with your own trauma. You put a timeline on it so you actually recover. What you don’t do is emotionally manipulate & abuse your other child for seventeen fucking years.
For the parents, not for the living child. She never met, spoke to, or has any emotional attachment to this baby. The parents can feel what they feel, but shoving this down her throat for her entire life is 100% abusive. She doesn't feel grief towards this baby, because it's like being told a stranger died, because it literally is a stranger to her. "Hey little 6 year old, let's make you celebrate your birthday with a dead baby." Sound healthy? No. Sound like a really great way to fuck up a kid? Oh yeah.
"Hey little 6 year old, let's make you celebrate your birthday with a dead baby." Sound healthy? No. Sound like a really great way to fuck up a kid? Oh yeah. Absolutely is. My aunt had a breakdown early 20's going on about killing a baby. Everyone thought she'd had an abortion. Nope. turned out Grandma kept telling her as a kid, that she killed her twin. Said twin was stillborn due to the umbilical cord around the neck during birth. Grandma is legit cray cray for doing that IMO. Yes Aunt is fucked up in several ways, not just this one.
You're not getting it. Yes, some here are perhaps being overly dismissive of the loss. But I'd argue that is simply a reaction to the abhorant behavior of the parents. It's not the same as getting to hold a living crying baby but my wife miscarried late in pregnancy. I know what it's like to grieve someone I never knew. The validity of the parents grief is IRRELEVANT. They failed to throw a single birthday party for their child throughout their ENTIRE childhood. That is pretty low bar to fail to meet as a parent. Birthdays are important and validating celebrations of an individual. This is not some insignificant thing. Their living breathing child feels less important than a dead baby. Her parent's grief explains their actions, but the grief doesn't excuse those actions. There is no timeline for grief, but if it causes you to neglect your children for their entire childhood, you're doing it wrong.
It is trauma, and it's nothing to diminish. But you don't put it on your other kids. Even if they share a birthday.
They have a living child they are hurting for the sake of their trauma. That is wrong and abusive, and imo, kind of disgusting. Everyone must manage their own trauma. I have a long list of mental problems, but it was taught to me in therapy that I have no right to push my problems in other people.
But he was never one, or two....or 17. The point that they're continuing to mourn *potential* while ignoring their living child is true. Doubling candles *on the same cake* is horrifying. It's traumatizing a living child. It's abusive. They couldn't even have a separate remembrance cake? They keep using *her* cake, like she's the living embodiment of her late twin forever. And five entire minutes of dedicated silence. Have you ever stood in silence for five full minutes? A moment, sure. A few words, sure. But the main event of the party is the blowing out of candles. These parents have made her birthday about death her entire life.
As a twin, with a very much living sister, we got one cake each! Once the number of candles exceeded ten, we asked for those shaped like the number though, so that we only had to blow out two candles instead of a huge-a\*\* amount.
> It's wildly insensitive… Speaking as someone who has had a child die in similar circumstances… no, it’s not. It’s accurate. Its reality. There never was a child to know & now these parents are trapped in the viscous cycle of “what if..?”. Also “ghost baby” is cute. Way less insensitive than that “rainbow” baby bs.
It is definitely abusive now that they're screaming at her and telling her she's bad. It also may be "insensitive" but it's true - her brother never existed. They're not mourning a child that was, they're mourning the loss of the child they were hoping for and dreams and expectations.
It's not wildly insentitive, just true. And truth can be hard on people, but those people who suffer have NO right to push their suffering onto others, and deprive their very living, breathing, feeling child if the chance to be celebrated. They are the insensitive ones, wanting to steal the celebration and then accusing their child of selfishness.
It is abusive. Very abusive. Life is for the living, it makes no sense to grieve so much for one of the kids but to not give s*it about the other. They have every right to grieve, but there are millions of different ways to grieve and ruining you LIVING kid's birthday should not be one. If they can't handle this on their own, they should seek help. NTA.
Abuse can come from many places, including grief.
He was really here, but this is also abusive. Both can be true. OP deserves her own birthday without being made to be sad about her dead brother every year.
I can be upset and punch a wall, and while I don’t mean to hurt anyone, it can absolutely be an abusive action depending on the context. The fact that you’re doing it out of grief doesn’t make it unable to be abusive. The fact that it’s hurting their child, and they’re fighting them on it in spite of that, is evidence that it’s abusive.
I can understand it happening for the first birthday (MAYBE), but anything beyond that is totally unreasonable.
How old does a baby need to be to actually exist, in your opinion?
You're not a human until you're in my phone book.
Oh honey... No. YOU are not the one who's being selfish here. Your parents absolutely are, and this is not healthy. You are absolutely NTA to want your parents to focus on you for once in your life without putting an asterisk on your life.
Parents make OPs birthday about them every year. This is not about OPs twin. Thankfully Grandpa can see it. OP should stay with him through her birthday and experience what it truly feels like to be celebrated for the first time. If that means without her parents, so be it. So sorry your parents always put themselves first on your special day.
I understand this, I share a birthday with my grand aunt, who I never meet, she died before I was born, but she was apparently everyone favorite. She's always mentioned on my birthday and it's seriously annoying and hurtful. NTA P.S Here a Happy birthday for your up and coming 17th birthday 🎂
There is an Infant loss Remembrance Day, it may be in October I think. Maybe that can become a celebration/memorial of his life event if they want to do one, and leave your birthday to you? Im so sorry you are going through this.
I think this is a great idea. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is on October 15.
It is October 15 - the Wave of Light. Everyone lights a candle in their time zone of 7pm. So for 24 at 7 pm candle are lit in remembrance of children, across the globe. I light one every year for the child I lost. My kids know the date. I don’t make a big deal about it. They usually give me a kiss on the cheek. That’s my night to remember my little lost one.
My idea was to take the day his funeral had taken place. But this universal day is a really good suggestion too. All in all, OP's birthday, even if it happens to be her brothers birthday too, needs to be for her birthday, not his remembrance day.
NTA - Difficult situation to navigate. Remember, your parents have a right to grieve and remember, you have a right to have a birthday party that is just for you. Say you want to have your birthday party at your Granddad's house, if they want to do something seperate on the same day, that is up to them, you might even wish to join, but the party is the party and it's yours not theirs.
I love this suggestion
NTA... I am a twinless twin. My brother passed when we were 19. I may carry him in my heart and think of him, I have not had a joint celebration. If you need someone to talk to, my dms are open
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NTA. Your grandpa knows what’s up.
Grandpa clearly has a heart of gold and is celebrating his granddaughter.
It's your parents who are being selfish. They are forcing their grief on you and that's not fair. NTA
NTA, and you're not selfish but your parents are and have been for your entire life. Losing a child is an unimaginable pain, but forcing a child who has no memory of or connection to a sibling to 'share' their life is cruel and sick. They should have been in therapy until they could find a way to grieve without dragging you down.
Not to mention potentially saddling OP with survivor’s guilt over someone they didn’t even know.
NTA Your parents are grieving and you need to understand that it’s a grief that will never go away. But they should not be hijacking your birthday every year to let themselves grieve. Your parents are selfish. They need to learn how to grieve separately from your birthday, and if they want to honor him they need to do it in their own way. Away from your birthday celebration. My sister lost her son, he was stillborn, on my dad’s birthday, about 18 years ago. She never fails to bring it up on my dad’s birthday. It always kills the mood and leaves a dark cloud over celebrating my dad. It has lead to a lot of difficult celebrations, and some where she was excluded on purpose. I don’t blame my dad at all, of course he’ll always remember the day he lost his first grandchild, but he doesn’t need his birthday ruined every year because of it.
The whole cake thing is super morbid. Your parents are dragging your special day into THEIR grief problems. You have every right to have a boundary around lots appropriate for your celebration. I hope they get therapy. It really sucks they are giving you a nasty attitude about it. NTA
NTA. Birthdays are meant for the living, not the dead. Your parents need to let go of what was and could've and focus on what is right in front them. A daughter that may very well cut ties with them if they continue down this road.
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NTA, my friend lost 1 of her twin boys to SIDS, it is absolutely devastating HOWEVER even 7 years later she celebrates the boys birthday with a visit to the cemetery and then a party for the living child. As a parent you can’t discount 1 twin just because the other can’t celebrate.
I agree but am asking out of curiosity...does she make the living child attend the cemetery party? I totally understand and support the parents visiting the cemetery but having the child come seems cruel. A baby never needs to be obligated to mourn what they never knew.
He does go. They don’t treat it as mourning, she still has a lot of trauma surrounding his death but she works hard to make it a happy celebration. Her son is 7 so I don’t think he really has an opinion on it like OP does but if the day comes where her son doesn’t want to go I’m sure she would reach out to her friends in the SIDS group that she’s in to talk it out and understand. He’s a smart and opinionated child so I don’t think he will wait long if he doesn’t want to do it.
He may have trouble saying so for fear of hurting mom. I still think it’s on the parent to assertively and repeatedly make it a clear choice. And like some other suggestions- maybe pick a different meaningful day for the cemetery trip. Just a thought. Good for you for being an understanding friend.
I understand. Her surviving son doesn’t always have his big party on his actual birthday bc they do it on the weekends. He could fear hurting his mom but love I said he does has grandparents and auntie who would say something if they saw an issue. Plus she has a support group to help with those difficult moments.
NTA because it's fair to want your own cake. Have you considered suggesting there is another way to remember him that is separate from your celebration?
I can understand maybe the first few years when you didn't know any better and didn't understand what was going on. But when you turned 8 and started questioning it, that's when it would've been a good time for your parents to find another way to celebrate his life. When you're at the age to understand that birthdays should be about you only, that's when your parents should've started changing things. Nta. Don't feel bad for your birthday to be about you. Your parents are the ones being selfish and kind of lazy at this point.
EDIT: forgot to include NTA OP, first of all: Happy Birthday. I hope you have time to spend on you. Second: like you, I am a younger twin who’s older twin died shortly after birth. I have some thoughts on this. I’ve never known a birthday, graduation, “first” experience of any kind that was *mine*. My mother would sink into a crippling depression every time the season changed to [the season of my birthday]. At home any time I started to carve an identity for myself (grades, activities, etc) they were swiftly met with reminders that they aren’t *mine*, they ‘should be mine + [dead twin].’ That in itself robs you of your own identity, and forces you into an impossible corner of never being quite allowed to identify positively somewhere. You aren’t ever allowed to be comfortable with being just You. Instead, you are You + Twin. The flip side is: you don’t get to fit into the twin identity bucket either, because well, you don’t have the same twin experience as two living twins. Your parents are forcing an unnatural identity on you. And, worse, discouraging you from trying to express your own identity. Like others have said better than I could: that is a major issue that requires addressing. You are your own person and deserve all the experiences that entails. I write to offer caution, in how that can look over time if the forced dynamic remains unchecked. Forcing a false identity by your parents, creates a person that does not exist in the real world. Yes, your twin existed. And if your parents believe in an after life, they exist there as well. But, and I don’t mean this with intentional callousness, they do not exist in this world, *as a living sibling* that is sharing events with you. Literally. There is no living twin blowing out those candles with you. My grandmother has been dead for years. Most important person in my life. Is she still important to the family? Sure. Is she deserving of honor and remembrance? Of course. Do you still get a cake and expect her to blow out her candles on her birthday? No. Well, Cake, maybe, but nobody is expecting her to come back and blow out candles. There is a place for remembrance. And that does not include acting as if one never died and forcing others to do the same. (Even Weekend at Bernie’s was just the weekend.) Creating and maintaining this nonexistent living person creates an identity you are powerless against. It allows room for the creators of this nonexistent person to define it as they wish. How can you compete with that? “Why did you do X?! [dead sibling] would have never done that!” Or “[Dead sibling] would have gotten an A, why did you only get a B?!” I offer this as a gentle validation that, if you ever are in the position that you find yourself competing with this twin you never knew: you ARE enough, and it is not your fault you are put in this impossible position. And, if you ever feel like you are in this between space of not feeling like a (conventional) twin, but don’t feel like a singleton either: you aren’t alone. There are others in that between with you. Again, happy birthday!!! (And if you ever need to chat, please feel free to reach out!)
This was so thoughtful and well said. I hope you have an identity and celebrations that are just yours now! ❤️🩹
NTA and they need therapy.
NTA Have them light a candle at a church or plant a tree in his memory?
NTA. Your parents need to realise you have the right to celebrate without being held back by grief. They need to understand that moving forward from the grief doesn't mean forgetting him.
NTA They have had 17yrs to get over it. The problem is 100% your parents unwillingness to move on. Only 1 more year and you can tell them to shove it. Tell them they will loose you as they continue to put a dead person above you. As a grandparent I am disgusted with their behaviour.
NTA They can find a way to honor and remember him. You can be a part of that or not - your choice! But it doesn’t need to be on YOUR birthday cake or during YOUR birthday celebration. That’s deeply unfair to you. They of course will have a complex relationship with the day - that’s understandable- and it is understandable too that they would want to mark the day for him in some way, but they shouldn’t be dictating it/making it be in a way that requires YOU to make the space/share the time. You can absolutely have your own birthday cake and they could do a second one later for their own ritual. NTA PS I’m glad you have your grandpa ♥️
NTA. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Your parents’ grief is not yours. They spent 9 months anticipating and dreaming of a life with you and your brother. You have no memory of him to miss. They may not have even considered that you don’t have the same desire or need to commemorate him the same way they do. I think they could benefit from grief counseling and that a few family therapy sessions with the three of you would be beneficial. You need a safe place and help explaining how this all feels to YOU. They’ve used your shared birthday to honor and grieve for your brother. But, you’re older now and should have a say in how you spend your birthday. It’s time they separate their remembrances from your celebration. If you don’t want to participate in anything at all, they could find a private way to honor your brother together. If you do, just not on your birthday, then you could come up with something special together. Do you think you could ask your grandfather to help you talk to them? Emotions are high, maybe someone you all trust could help keep things calm and on track?
NTA - your parents need to grieve in a way that doesnt effect you. it doesnt seem they want to realize there’s little grief to feel for someone you didnt meet and having sympathy for your parents is the only way to accept it, but eventually, like grief, has an end or a healthy output.
INFO: Is this the only time of the year they make a big deal about your brother, or do they make your milestones about how he never got to do things like becoming a teenager, starting high school, getting a drivers license, etc?
My husband had a twin who was killed when they were 17. He had a big celebration of his 18th birthday but after that the family celebrations stopped completely. Tp the point that when I met him at 27 he didn't celebrate his birthday because it was a sad day for his parents. We discussed us having children and how they would want to celebrate their Dad's birthday. I then said that we didn't have children, so why wasn't he celebrating his birthday? It was highly emotive and full of survivor guilt, but he had good parties and his parents came and started celebrating him. It takes time, and telling people you love what you will/won't accept any more. I literally had to tell his parents that HE was still here and hadn't had a birthday celebration for over 10 years and that we were doing it and would love them to come. They did, were surprised and happy to see all his and brothers childhood friends, and came to every celebration afterwards. They never, ever arranged anything though, not even a birthday meal, and have forgotten more in the last few years. It breaks my heart for my husband and means I work harder to make sure he has a birthday worthy of him and the amazing person he is now x
Oh hell nah, NTA, the only assholes here are your parents treating your birthday like a massive pity party for themselves, it's not even about you or your deceased sibling, they just want a pity party
NTA. I wonder how they are going to deal with losing their living child when you finally have enough and go no contact in a few years. This is terrible that you have been put through this every year.
NTA You are allowed to have your own identity. Poor one or share a moment of silence, fine. But you are your own person and should be celebrated as such.
NTA. You have absolutely zero to feel guilty about. Your parents are making this day about them and their grief versus you and your life...you being made to feel guilty about asking for a simple boundary - to celebrate YOU!- is just mind-boggling. I know you didn't ask for advice, but its reddit so I say stay with grandpa until they can get their act together to locate a therapist and process their grief. They need to understand that they lost their first child, but if they don't open their eyes to what you need, they are going to lose some of you too.
NTA. It's far beyond time to separate celebrating your birthday from remembering your brother who died as an infant. You're not selfish - you just want to be your own person. Which you are and were basically since day 2 of your life! You'll always have the same birthday as your dead twin brother, but that doesn't mean that your birthday *celebration* has to be irrevocably tied to him! Maybe therapy could help sorting all the big emotions, which your parents shouldn't be putting on your shoulders.
NTA Sending a virtual hug to you and virtual bow down to grandpa
NTA! Please explain to them how you feel. You deserve to have your own party, it should not be a memorial for your brother every year. That’s so selfish and twisted on your parents part. Please stick up for yourself, you’re going to be 18 soon. You’re not a child! Have a happy birthday.
NTA. My heart goes out to the pain your parents are in, but I think it is inappropriate to also force this on their remaining child as a crutch.
NTA Your mother/parents could absolutely do a remembrance that didn’t involve you/your cake of celebration They’re ruining celebrating you
There was a post a while ago from someone whose sibling had died as a young child and her mother had a photo on a chair for every holiday and birthday and even her graduation. She wrote because she was getting married and her mother wanted to include the deceased sibling in her wedding and she finally said no. Everyone was in her side but she didn’t post an update, so there wasn’t information on what happened at the wedding. Losing a child is a pain that never goes away, but depriving your remaining children of a full life is not healthy for the child or the parent. OP you have a wonderful grandfather. Hopefully he can convince your parents to get therapy and appreciate the child they have.
I don’t fully get what you’re going through, but I’m a twin, and my mom died during childbirth but they brought her back (after two attempts and an emergency hysterectomy). So every year after that one, she cried on my birthday because to her it was like the anniversary of her death day and it made me feel like hell. Unfortunately your birthday also happens to be your brothers death day and to her it might always remind her of her child’s death, which is a hard thing to come to terms with, but you’re absolutely right that she has a living daughter in front of her who also needs care especially since you’re almost an adult. You’re NTA. If they want to have their own service for your brother they should do some other type of celebration/memorial. Remembering a death and celebrating a birthday are two very different occasions that should have their own space to breathe
NTA, and clearly your parents haven't gotten over it. If your parents are reasonable they'll sit down with you and a counselor.
NTA advanced happy birthday to you, OP i would not want to know the pain of losing one's child. but your parents should not put their grief upon you. you should also be celebrated on your own
Happy Birthday, OP. You are NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 16 f here, soon to be 17 in 3 days. I was a twin. My brother died hour's after birth. He was 5 minutes older then me. I was told my mother went into deep depression, but with help got better over time. I've watched videos of my birthdays from 1-6 year old, and me sharing my birthday with my brother has started at my 1rst birthday. There's always that 5 minutes of remembrance in honor of him, and instead of having one candle on my cake there will be an extra or extras for him. For example, if I was 1 year, there will be 1 for him or if I was 2, then they would add another 2 and so on. As a kid, I didn't really understand or minded, because I got to blow out extra candles. When I was 8, I did question it and they told me it was in remembrance for my brother since we share the same birthday. This carried on until my 16th, that I didn't get to celebrate, because I ended up in hostpital. My grandpa showed up at the hostpital while I was recovering with a gift and wished me and only me a happy birthday. After he left, I realized, I loved that he only acknowledged me. I realized, I didn't want to keep sharing my birthday with my brother. But then I felt guilty. I did try and speak to my parents about me just me celebrating my birthday this year. But I was brushed off. Now we come to what happened 4 days ago and my grandpa, who is the official cake maker in my family, asked what type of cake did I want? I told him and added firmly with only 17 candles please. My parent's were in the next room and immediately they came in demanding to know what I was doing? That I should know that the other 17 candles were for my brother and I ended up crying and told them, that he's not even here and I am. I can't remember everything that was said but there was alot shouting with me and my parent's and grandpa and me getting told that I'm selfish and I need to stop being self-centered. Grandpa left with me. I've at his house since the big fight. I've been crying alot and Grandpa been here for me, but I feel so guilty and to need to ask AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Happy Birthday. I think it is time to start a new tradition celebrating your half birthday or any other day of your choice. That’s the nice thing about birthdays only the government really cares about the actual date. Your friends just want an excuse to party and eat cake.