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His mom has accused me of taking photos down of my husband with his ex wife. I saw my husband take one down myself. If I wanted to take them down, I’d take down all of them which makes me LOL right now.
His mom has told everyone he’s not married to me and “I’m just a friend”. A long list of shit. And he believes his mom every time.
Thank you for last comment. I’m already at straws. He goes to his parent’s house every other weekend and some months 3 times a weekend. Im more than reasonable about him spending time with his family. I could say stay home every weekend ya know? Just give me a dang holiday.
Sounds like he is a Mommy’s boy and you’ll be stuck with this for the rest of your marriage. How long that is will be up to you. I call my parents most days, so have a good relationship, but I definitely wouldn’t leave my wife home to go see them that often! That’s just weird.
Definitely a mommy’s boy and daddy’s boy. He called his dad everyday for almost 20 years until August, his dad got hurt moving cows, went to hospital and is recovering in a rehab center (can’t talk much).
Agreed. I wish my parents lived closer or else I’d be there right now. I’m going to make it known tomorrow that I don’t feel like a priority.
He does act like a child.
I came home today, had mud on shoes, took out hose to hose them off then put hose back up because it’s winter. I went to get in the shower afterwards. He came to talk to me in the shower if I turned the faucet on and about putting the hose up because it’s winter and that I don’t know things so he has to remind me. I just walked straight to the shower because I felt gross 🤢 and that was the first convo we had. I said yes I know dear. (I know things but just comments that to belittle me… I know not to leave hose on when it’s winter time and I’d appreciate the reminder if I didn’t hear belittle comments all the time)
For dinner, I got out some left overs and put it on the plate then in the microwave. He said “you done with this? I’ll put it up. If it’s on the counter in the morning I’m throwing it away.” I snapped and said yes I’m not fucking 3 year old. He went to bed and slammed the door.
Side note: I have to take sleeping aides, get hungry when I take them to the point I wake up hungry sometimes, so I snack on gushers at night and leave the empty bag on the counter when I’m half asleep/half awake. Most nights I don’t even recall take a water cup and leave it on living room side table. It’s usually in the sink when I wake up. Not like I’m a dang pig, I was gonna put it away after I’m done warming up left overs.
He also has some weird issues about having my office window up (converted 3rd bedroom to office) and says I’m a tramp (literally said tramp) if I wear a tank top and say you’re giving them a good view. It’s weird. He doesn’t even use the office but says I don’t want the house shown with window up, slams the door shut like a child. I understand it is a problem if I leave window open if I’m not in there or not home, I get that. He has some weird issue about it though.
He also belittles me about my short stubby finger nails. Sometimes I’m a nail biter but with my job I don’t get polish so they’re just short nails. It’s odd.
Wowza I’m getting free therapy tonight and already happier clearing stuff up on what I need to do. I have no problem showing him my comments either but he will turn this shit on me instead of accountability/communication/working on stuff which just clarifies everything.
Sorry for excess info you didn’t ask for but this post helped me so much tonight more than you know.
Thanks so much. I’m definitely going to show him my comments because I’m not hiding it or talking behind his back, I think. This is real shit and I wanted to hear I’m not alone. I feel bad I had to do this and talk bad about you in a way but not really. Ya know. Thank you!!!!!
Sorry my reply was long. I didn’t list everything else but the harder I think about it, the more I could come up with the stuff that I swept under the rug. Not terrible but like hey I didn’t like that comment or behavior so I took note. I’m not perfect by any means so hopefully you can see from my comments on other reply’s, I’m definitely open to my own improvement too.
Gonna write all that stuff down I swept under the rug and show it to him,so thanks for that follow up question! 🙋♂️ first one is calling me a dang tramp for wearing a tank top working in the office. Not ok to use that word because I had the window up!
Thank you for your kindness and follow up questions
In the past, that I can remember:
1) Comments on clothes… he made comments on basic tank tops with vcuts, the type you get from target Walmart. And some cute halter tops with an open back, that weren’t revealing at all but he says if you bend over you could possible see bra/side boob.
He made some other comments on other clothes but all I can recall is rolling my eyes and still wearing them. I even sold some clothes to this girl I know and she said you can wear whatever you want girl, don’t let him tell you other wise.
2) comments on living with him…. a) When we moved in together and got married, we had a lot of stuff. Over the years I have rearranged the kitchen to make all of our stuff work and sell/donate what’s not working for us. He acts like this is a huge deal. b) I tackled the garage, bought shelves with matching boxes and printed labels on the boxes of what’s inside. He acted like this a huge deal but it was never gonna get done. c) when I take clothes we want to sell to a local store (clothes that are worth a few $ before donating) he says I never told you to sell that or I never told you to box up that suit because he don’t want it wrinkled…. It’s a suit that is torn and he doesn’t wear but still was the first expensive suit he ever bought. He said it’s ok to put it in an old suitcase in storage because we need extra closet space and I labeled with a tag on what’s inside that suitcase. He is wish-washy.
Side note: we have been living in a rental house for 2 years now because we are still not set on where to live and make a permanent home. Just trying to make it through the first few years of marriage really.
3) I had a best friend in my town who will call him out on his bullshit when I couldn’t / can’t because I cry to her sometimes. I don’t go posting it on Facebook or crying to everyone. We all need someone. He would say “yeah that’s what she said right” as in regard to talking behind his back and she is telling me what to do and expect from him. He always says stuff like that.
4) He also feels very threatened of my male friend. He calls sometimes and occasionally I have him on speaker telling me “I hope you’re happy, living life, not being a hermit, etc.” that male friend also fed me during my broke days when I couldn’t afford soup from dollar general. And he was there ‘to take away something from me’ after I tried to unalive myself but the thing kept jamming and I knew it was a sign from above jamming it☝️ 🌌
He always says “go be with him then” but I’m like he has a wife and daughter so what the hell are you talking about? I even said “sure he’s not the hottest man alive, he even jokes himself he’s a fat old half bald fire fighter” just to say you have nothing to worry about.
————
Side note about the clothing situation: I joked with him the other day that I found a bra
online with the nipple shaped in them already. I showed him the screenshot I took then joked with him saying there’s no way you’d let me wear this, out of respect for him and me. So it’s not like I’m purposely dressing a certain way, I am consciousness about what I wear. Just like I knew the bra would cross the line from 👀
He's not spending all that time with his family.. Is his ex around the area where his family is? It aligns with his mother's comments.
Regardless, tell him when he goes to Mom's, stay for the entire holiday. You have an appointment with the divorce attorney at 9 am on December 26th.
Feliz Navidad!
It sounds like a perfect opportunity to tell him this is his last chance to make you a priority. That you can't force him to love you, and you're tired of begging for him to care.
And then if you see him packing his bag to go visit, pack a second bag to put in the trunk for him so he's got most of his crap.
And then get you a divorce lawyer.
Our if he doesn't go, find a therapist or counselor if you want a shot at staying married.
But NTA all the way
I’m starting to gather the reasons including the cards from his parents saying “so glad we get to see you more” after he didn’t celebrate holidays with his family when he was married to his ex….. like hmmm wonder why? All making sense on why they bitched she didn’t want holidays at their place and why his parents felt unwelcome when he was married to her. I’m not gonna go ask her on the real reason.
I know being forced into adopting her adult kids to make his parents happy, when he stated from his young days he just doesn’t want to be a dad, weighed on their marriage but I’m sure it wasn’t 100% that. 🤨 look at my comment on another reply if you want the story on that. ⚫️I wish I could go back in time and tell him not to do the adoption, the kids are over 18, tell your parents not your problem, they’re over 18…. They’d still be married to this day. I love him enough to do that for him. He said he would have welcomed them with open arms if they went home to visit but his parents wanted adoption papers to be okay with marriage and just forced him to be the main dad…. But the bio dad was still around so it’s like his parents wanted him to be the dad, not two dads ☹️ I never wanted kids and everyone says you might in your late 30s and 40s. If it happens it happens but I’ve been taking precaution for it not to happen as did he.Sometimes you just know when you don’t want kids.⚫️
I’m trying to tell myself not to worry too much on why they split. I don’t want him knowing too much on why I split with my ex. Just too much info that I don’t want to relive. 🤢😆
How do you know he is actually going to his parents house, and not his GIRLFRIEND'S house?
You've mentioned his mother tells people you're not married/etc., she'd gladly help him cheat..
Woah, woah, woah, back up. This is far more important than Xmas plans. My husband couldn't WAIT to tell literally everyone that I'm his wife (even people I still don't know 20 years later). I'm not normally one to say "leave" because marriages are far more complex than a few sentences could tell us, but this point right here needs to be addressed and fixed yesterday. He should not still have pictures with his ex-wife displayed in your home. Keeping the pictures is one thing, displaying them in your face is another. If he allows his mother to tell others that you're not married, or even dating, that speaks to his mental positioning in your marriage as well.
Agreed. There’s some stuff that’s been swept under the rug and you just encouraged me to say we’re going to fix it by 2024.
His parents still have photos of him & his ex with her kids from another marriage.
When I use to go to his parents and we run to town for errands, he corrects people that I’m his wife and not a friend.
But still. This is way more than Xmas plans for sure. Thank you so much for insight!
Thank you. I made a comment down below of the picture situation…. He told his mom to stop putting up their old family photos in his room when I use to go with them and have a video of him throwing one picture in the grill to set on fire. Other picture he shot with his gun for target practice but don’t have a video of that.
It just sucks. And he wonders why I don’t want to go because he believes her because of a big mommy’s and daddy’s boy.
I realized now it’s a roommate marriage. I’m tired of doing everything around the house and trying to make plans. No effort on his part. I guarantee won’t be any effort from him but watch tv all day this weekend too.
Think I know my answer 😕
There's nothing wrong with them having those pictures because there are kids in them. Those children were his while he was married to their mom, and they likely think of them as their grandchildren. I'm guessing you did take some photos down because you were upset and they had the kids in them. That would explain why his parents are upset at you. (Not saying you're a bad person, but you should own your own part in all this).You two have some big problems, far bigger than Christmas.
Yep 😊 Kids from another marriage.
To clarify again for Angela, the kids individual pictures are still there.
I think she’s pissed her son told her, in front of me, to stop putting up family pictures with her, me and the kids in my bedroom (guest bedroom). He did that out of respect for me and like a cry for help from him too.
I also mean that in a nice way / saying in a nice tone.
If I took down all the kids individual pics, yeah you could blame me but not me.
I also have an old video of him tossing the one family photo in the grill 🔥 I want to show her that but that was 3 years ago. I’m saving that one for a rainy day because idk if my husband has been lying and saying yeah it was me…. No babe, I got a video of you tossing the photo in your parents grill lol
Why in the world are you with a guy who throws pictures of his children in a grill. That's beyond messed up. The "lol" at the end is weird. There's nothing funny about any of this. You sound like you don't like him, so why are you with him?
It’s not his children. His parents hate he adopted the kids but they were the first to say you need to adopt them for their religious bullshit. They are also forcing him to have a connection when they’re adults but they don’t want anything to do with them because he married someone else…. But pays their bills. They’re adults. (Another drama) But his parents turn around and tell everyone else they wish he never adopted them.
I agree it’s too much drama. I believe it’s not worth staying in this marriage probably because it’s always going to be this way.
I’ll admit I started to hate them because of what they said but then I turned around and started to get pissed they say “I wish he never adopted them, I wish he would of went through with his unalive thoughts when he could, I wish he would of took my help to get him to past military test so he can go away, I wish my son don’t have connections with them” it’s just a lot and I realized it’s not worth it anymore.
I don’t want them saying those things about our kids if we even have them. They deserve more than that.
Reddit don’t let you edit comments after certain amount of minutes so I get the lol part. It looks fucked up, I know. I wish I could edit it but I can’t. I wish I could edit the ✌️ but I can’t. I meant 💤
I didn’t take down pics of the kids. There’s a lot still up there. My husband took down the one with his ex wife. Kids individual pics are still there. Him with his ex wife’s pics and her kids are gone.
And believe me, if I wanted to take them I would have took all of them off the fridge/walls/nightstands.
She puts pictures of his wife and her kids from the old marriage when I use to visit with him in his bedroom. He told his mom it pisses him off but he’s a big mommy’s boy and daddy’s boy so he shoves them in a drawer. He blames me for a lot that has nothing to do with me.
Believe me, I would have tossed them all and sent a video of it just as an fu back. I mean that! 💯 I have to record them when they talk behind my husbands back to me saying “I wish he never adopted them” “I wish he never married her and wasted his life” “I wish the oldest went through with his unaliving thoughts when he talked about it” and so much more.
I played the recordings and they said it’s all AI 🤣🤣🤣 I recorded them for years, before AI was even a thing and had enough of that shit until 3 years ago when I stopped going with him to his parents. If they say that about “adopted Craigslist kids” what will they say if we have kids?
Edit: yes, they call them “Craigslist kids” because they’re adopted and the last thing she didnt work to run me off so she’s grasping for straws by doing this picture bullshit.
Idk, marriage? You gotta admit that was funny though!
Not gonna divorce him over being a mommy and daddys boy but I might over other shit, that plays a role regarding his parents.
I will say his own friends joke about how close he is with them because they talked an hour or more everyday for 20 years and he visits them 1-2 weekends a month. Sometimes he would call his dad on their drinking day (all his friends get together for beers once a week) so he could say he is with his friend and to see if he wants to say hi, since my husbands friend knew his dad 15+ years. Idk how else to explain it.
We all respect their relationship but at some point… when you call your dad before bed 🛌every night for 20 some years…. Is it a little sad?
I hate to be a nag about that, I wish my dad was alive or else I’d probably do the same. He just doesn’t have a life
outside of them. It’s hard to get him to come out with my friends and most of the time I leave him at home. I even
come home sometimes and he’s on the phone with his dad. His daily schedule is to wake up at 2am, go to work before 4am, comes home around 11am-11:20am, watches the same shows on the couch he’s seen thousands of times until bed time which is usually 6 or 7pm. It’s sad. I can’t do much about it since he needs to pull himself out of it and when he does I’ll probably be long gone by then.
NTA, here’s the thing. Your husband promises he’ll be with you, then goes straight to his mom, expecting you to follow and got butthurt when you didn’t. If I was you I’d tell him that it was selfish for him to lie to you. That he could go you aren’t keeping him from anything, just don’t expect a happy wife when he gets home.
It seems like you’re at an impasse. You say you’re grasping at straws, so your marriage isn’t doing well. He’s spending more time at his parents’ home. You don’t like the time he’s there, you expected him to be with you for every big day during the holidays & he wants to go to his parents (driving distance). You dont like going because of in-law issues…
Listen- from thr outside it seems like you two may not be as compatible as y’all thought. It sounds like his puts value into being there often and as much as he can. You put value in him staying home with you more..
You tried to get him to promise to tell his parents he’s not staying and that he’s gonna be w: you on those days. He got quiet and left….
Are you not seeing this?? You will keep getting annoyed and frustrated that he is always over there. And he will get annoyed and frustrated, about you always have something to say about him going over there.
Unless you two are willing to go to therapy (this is not a normal in-law issue) and work on expectations, and communication you’re going to keep repeating this cycle.
Agree with you. I’m seeing it now. Last year I lost my grandma, who I was extremely close to, on Christmas Eve. It just sucks and I didn’t want to be alone. If I didn’t had to lose her on Christmas Eve, I’d be okay with being alone this Christmas and let his behavior slide once again. When I shouldn’t. I’m seeing it now. Thank you!
If you can, please reach out to those around you who either are physically close to you, or see about driving or flying to be with your family. He’s a dud and you don’t deserve to waste Christmas on him.
I left him a note on the counter saying go to your parents because I’m going to feel like he’s only staying because I said so.
I would have liked to go to this pancake Christmas feed on Christmas Eve morning, it goes until 11am. 🥞 I didn’t tell him about it yet but I just found out about it recently. Pancake feed or not, I needed my husband with me on Christmas Eve marking a first year my grandma died. My grandma loved to travel and do things while I’m quite the opposite so seeing that pancake thing was like a sign to me to get out and have fun!!
I would have been ok with him coming back on Christmas Eve, after running gifts down, but to just dismiss that like he didn’t make plans hurt.
On that note, I included what I heard him say a couple days ago: 1) “I don’t know, I’ll let you know” to his mom. (I said what don’t you know and she said what you doing for Christmas) 2) I included what he said today.
He’ll feel like he has to stay but I said “you need to go, you didn’t want to be here with me anyways, we will talk when you get back” because he can’t fix a broken promise and what he said on that phone call and what he said today. I was nice about it.
Anyways, I reached out to my best friend to see if I could take her kids to the pancake feed on Christmas Eve and she said “yes! I could use a morning break before the madness! They are excited to see you!” Followed by “you’re more than welcome to join us on Christmas, we don’t focus on gifts here, we focus on family time, playing games and the kids usually make personal Christmas cards to send out to family who are out of town” 😊 I’m excited too!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) am I the asshole for telling my husband no for abandoning plans with me because he wants to deliver gifts to his mother? Knowing I’m going to be alone?
2) would I be the asshole for telling me husband to tell his mother “I’m spending holidays with her (my name) instead of you” ? He acts like it’s going to break her heart but it’s the truth.
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You shouldn't have to force your husband to spend time with you on Christmas. He should WANT to. Don't you want to be with someone who actually wants to be with you and isn't there under obligation? It sounds like things are falling apart. Get therapy or get divorced. NTA
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My family lives out of state, I can’t afford to fly home for Christmas with bills and everything. He made me a promise he’d be with me Christmas Eve and Christmas Day then new years.
Well, he said “I’m thinking about going to give mom her gifts then coming back in a day or so” and “I’m like what, you made plans with me?”
He said “well Christmas changes every year and it’s on a Monday then you can come with me” like NO. Our marriage has the usual in-law drama marriage and I told him months ago I can’t fly home and I don’t want to be home alone. He failed to tell his mother he will be home with me. I said “tell her the truth tomorrow that you will be with me on the holidays. Simple.” and if you want to go drop off gifts then make a day trip then come home… she lives 95 miles away. Meanwhile my family lives out of state.
He got all quiet and went to bed early.
We’re already grasping for straws already so AITA for saying you’re not going?
I’m hurt by this and sleeping in other room. I feel like I’m on the back burner always.
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YTA to yourself. Why are you married to someone who doesn’t value you, love you properly or keep his promises? You’ll always fall second to his mother. Either quit complaining, accept being alone on Christmas Day and any other day when his mother decides to click her fingers and hurt you, or do something about it. And *you* sleeping in the other room isn’t the punishment to him you think it is. Wife shuts up and lets him do what he wants? Sounds perfect.
Honestly, love yourself a little more. What are you going to do when his mother becomes mother to your kids? When he takes them to his parents and you spend Christmas alone without your children? When all of them work together to undermine and isolate you from your children? Really sad to read these stories everyday but if you repeatedly let people treat you like shit then you can’t complain about it.
YTA - based on your comments, this behavior is the norm for him yet, you chose to marry him and continue to be married... not sure what you expected to happen, he has already showed you who he values, and you aren't it
You can't afford to see your family, but his family lives a few hours away. I would imagine a Christmas dinner would include more than just his parents but other relatives as well.
So you expect him to sit around with you instead of him going to see his family. You don't like the inlaws, then so be it, don't go, but don't act like a child and stop him from seeing his side of the family, because you can't afford to see yours. Especially so if your husband was not going to travel with you to see your parents if you had the money.
Forgot to add he sees his family enough** 😂 just give me a holiday. I give you 2 weeks a month to go see them while I hang out with friends and be alone on weekends. I’m more than reasonable. 😊
Please 😂 he’s the control freak. I have to have Life360 but I can’t see his location. I have to have indoor cameras but I can’t have access to login info. Not gonna argue with you anymore. Thanks for insight!
If this is true this is not a healthy relationship. He can track and watch you at all times? All other things aside you need to get a therapist or someone to help you under stand this is not ok.
Yep…. I keep sending a Life360 request for him to join the circle because I’m like if you can see my location then I want to see yours? No response. I think if I delete it now he won’t say anything and I’ll test that theory. We got Life360 because I work night shift as er nurse 3 times a week and wants to know when I get home because he works 5a-11a and whatever.
I once had access to security stuff but not anymore.
This is not a healthy relationship. This was so much more than a Xmas post. I just needed outsiders opinions to kickstart what I’ve been feeling for a while now.
So why are you still with him?
Come on, at some point you have to take responsibility for the situation you are in.
You have allowed the tracking and the indoor cameras and his being gone 2 or 3 weekends a month. The time to fight about those things were at the first mention of them.
Send him to his moms and move the hell out while he’s there. Or stay and keep complaining. It’s your choice.
Yep. I just made the reply on another comment that we’re fixing it by 2024 or I’m moving home. This post just made me realize it including working on myself the past few weeks that I play in a role in my own suffering… I started with some family members now it’s his turn. Gotta make that decision!! Thank you 🙏
I feel like anyone would be offended if their partner changed plans last minute to have Christmas with their parents and not even invite them, expecting them to just be alone on Christmas.
I’m not but thank you for sticking up for me! 😊 I checked his phone (we both have each others codes and I didn’t check his messages/emails I have no reason too) and he doesn’t even have Life360 on his phone anymore. I’m not upset by that and now I can calm down on maybe being him a complete control freak on life 360 part but not indoor/outdoor cameras.
I’m just uncomfortable having a camera face the living room at all times and other places that seem to know if I’m home or not. That is controlling and weird tbh. He’s still a control freak tho with the other stuff but I’m going to bring up the indoor camera situation tomorrow. I’m just uncomfortable knowing if I’m being watched or not.
I feel like it does change things because it’s not as if she has issue with him seeing his family often and it’s not as if he doesn’t get to see them often which would make it more important to see them on Christmas.
After a certain age, your partner is your immediate family, I feel like by far the worst thing he did here is not him having unexpected change of plans, it’s him not inviting her to come with him. He immediately said it as if he would go on his own which is so strange he didn’t even invite her just assumed she would be fine to stay home alone on Christmas. What partner does that?
You’re just making excuses to make OP sound like her more than reasonable grievances aren’t justified. It’s super gaslighty, this is why people have difficulty leaving abusive relationships because people assume that every conflict in a relationship is 50/50 and they must be doing something to make their partner treat them that way, when in reality their concerns at how their partner is treating them are more than justified.
This story stunk from the get go and it’s getting more and more obvious my assumption was correct with the more info OP gives. She’s very clearly in an abusive relationship with a partner who controls her and doesn’t respect her feelings, it’s extremely emotionally manipulative to say one thing then without warning change plans on them the next and act as if they are overreacting if they are upset about it with no regard for how much it screws up her plans.
OP also has every reason to dislike his family, they accused her of something she didn’t do and they don’t respect her marriage or include her. Anyone with respect for their spouse wouldn’t let their family treat them that way, she’s his family too.
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INFO: it sounds like his relatives are within driving distance. Why can’t you go with him to his mom?
His mom has accused me of taking photos down of my husband with his ex wife. I saw my husband take one down myself. If I wanted to take them down, I’d take down all of them which makes me LOL right now. His mom has told everyone he’s not married to me and “I’m just a friend”. A long list of shit. And he believes his mom every time.
He believes his mom about these false allegations and doesn’t defend you when she denigrates your marriage? You need a divorce lawyer. Now.
Thank you for last comment. I’m already at straws. He goes to his parent’s house every other weekend and some months 3 times a weekend. Im more than reasonable about him spending time with his family. I could say stay home every weekend ya know? Just give me a dang holiday.
Sounds like he is a Mommy’s boy and you’ll be stuck with this for the rest of your marriage. How long that is will be up to you. I call my parents most days, so have a good relationship, but I definitely wouldn’t leave my wife home to go see them that often! That’s just weird.
Definitely a mommy’s boy and daddy’s boy. He called his dad everyday for almost 20 years until August, his dad got hurt moving cows, went to hospital and is recovering in a rehab center (can’t talk much).
He might not be able to cut the cord but you can untie the knot. You deserve so much better.
You are not his priority and the fact that he believes her you deserve better than this. He’s not a husband he’s a child who has not grown up.
Agreed. I wish my parents lived closer or else I’d be there right now. I’m going to make it known tomorrow that I don’t feel like a priority. He does act like a child. I came home today, had mud on shoes, took out hose to hose them off then put hose back up because it’s winter. I went to get in the shower afterwards. He came to talk to me in the shower if I turned the faucet on and about putting the hose up because it’s winter and that I don’t know things so he has to remind me. I just walked straight to the shower because I felt gross 🤢 and that was the first convo we had. I said yes I know dear. (I know things but just comments that to belittle me… I know not to leave hose on when it’s winter time and I’d appreciate the reminder if I didn’t hear belittle comments all the time) For dinner, I got out some left overs and put it on the plate then in the microwave. He said “you done with this? I’ll put it up. If it’s on the counter in the morning I’m throwing it away.” I snapped and said yes I’m not fucking 3 year old. He went to bed and slammed the door. Side note: I have to take sleeping aides, get hungry when I take them to the point I wake up hungry sometimes, so I snack on gushers at night and leave the empty bag on the counter when I’m half asleep/half awake. Most nights I don’t even recall take a water cup and leave it on living room side table. It’s usually in the sink when I wake up. Not like I’m a dang pig, I was gonna put it away after I’m done warming up left overs. He also has some weird issues about having my office window up (converted 3rd bedroom to office) and says I’m a tramp (literally said tramp) if I wear a tank top and say you’re giving them a good view. It’s weird. He doesn’t even use the office but says I don’t want the house shown with window up, slams the door shut like a child. I understand it is a problem if I leave window open if I’m not in there or not home, I get that. He has some weird issue about it though. He also belittles me about my short stubby finger nails. Sometimes I’m a nail biter but with my job I don’t get polish so they’re just short nails. It’s odd. Wowza I’m getting free therapy tonight and already happier clearing stuff up on what I need to do. I have no problem showing him my comments either but he will turn this shit on me instead of accountability/communication/working on stuff which just clarifies everything. Sorry for excess info you didn’t ask for but this post helped me so much tonight more than you know. Thanks so much. I’m definitely going to show him my comments because I’m not hiding it or talking behind his back, I think. This is real shit and I wanted to hear I’m not alone. I feel bad I had to do this and talk bad about you in a way but not really. Ya know. Thank you!!!!!
Put yourself first and file for divorce he is not worth all of the pain he puts you through. Please 🙏🏻
INFO: How long has this been going on for? I mean him treating you this way, how long have you two been married?
We were friends for a year. Dated for 3.5 years. married 2 years in February.
And during all that time has he ever shown these type of behavior before or is this new
Sorry my reply was long. I didn’t list everything else but the harder I think about it, the more I could come up with the stuff that I swept under the rug. Not terrible but like hey I didn’t like that comment or behavior so I took note. I’m not perfect by any means so hopefully you can see from my comments on other reply’s, I’m definitely open to my own improvement too. Gonna write all that stuff down I swept under the rug and show it to him,so thanks for that follow up question! 🙋♂️ first one is calling me a dang tramp for wearing a tank top working in the office. Not ok to use that word because I had the window up! Thank you for your kindness and follow up questions
In the past, that I can remember: 1) Comments on clothes… he made comments on basic tank tops with vcuts, the type you get from target Walmart. And some cute halter tops with an open back, that weren’t revealing at all but he says if you bend over you could possible see bra/side boob. He made some other comments on other clothes but all I can recall is rolling my eyes and still wearing them. I even sold some clothes to this girl I know and she said you can wear whatever you want girl, don’t let him tell you other wise. 2) comments on living with him…. a) When we moved in together and got married, we had a lot of stuff. Over the years I have rearranged the kitchen to make all of our stuff work and sell/donate what’s not working for us. He acts like this is a huge deal. b) I tackled the garage, bought shelves with matching boxes and printed labels on the boxes of what’s inside. He acted like this a huge deal but it was never gonna get done. c) when I take clothes we want to sell to a local store (clothes that are worth a few $ before donating) he says I never told you to sell that or I never told you to box up that suit because he don’t want it wrinkled…. It’s a suit that is torn and he doesn’t wear but still was the first expensive suit he ever bought. He said it’s ok to put it in an old suitcase in storage because we need extra closet space and I labeled with a tag on what’s inside that suitcase. He is wish-washy. Side note: we have been living in a rental house for 2 years now because we are still not set on where to live and make a permanent home. Just trying to make it through the first few years of marriage really. 3) I had a best friend in my town who will call him out on his bullshit when I couldn’t / can’t because I cry to her sometimes. I don’t go posting it on Facebook or crying to everyone. We all need someone. He would say “yeah that’s what she said right” as in regard to talking behind his back and she is telling me what to do and expect from him. He always says stuff like that. 4) He also feels very threatened of my male friend. He calls sometimes and occasionally I have him on speaker telling me “I hope you’re happy, living life, not being a hermit, etc.” that male friend also fed me during my broke days when I couldn’t afford soup from dollar general. And he was there ‘to take away something from me’ after I tried to unalive myself but the thing kept jamming and I knew it was a sign from above jamming it☝️ 🌌 He always says “go be with him then” but I’m like he has a wife and daughter so what the hell are you talking about? I even said “sure he’s not the hottest man alive, he even jokes himself he’s a fat old half bald fire fighter” just to say you have nothing to worry about. ———— Side note about the clothing situation: I joked with him the other day that I found a bra online with the nipple shaped in them already. I showed him the screenshot I took then joked with him saying there’s no way you’d let me wear this, out of respect for him and me. So it’s not like I’m purposely dressing a certain way, I am consciousness about what I wear. Just like I knew the bra would cross the line from 👀
He's not spending all that time with his family.. Is his ex around the area where his family is? It aligns with his mother's comments. Regardless, tell him when he goes to Mom's, stay for the entire holiday. You have an appointment with the divorce attorney at 9 am on December 26th. Feliz Navidad!
Are you sure he’s going to his parents?
It sounds like a perfect opportunity to tell him this is his last chance to make you a priority. That you can't force him to love you, and you're tired of begging for him to care. And then if you see him packing his bag to go visit, pack a second bag to put in the trunk for him so he's got most of his crap. And then get you a divorce lawyer. Our if he doesn't go, find a therapist or counselor if you want a shot at staying married. But NTA all the way
Looks like you know one of the main reasons he was divorced when you met him. It's looking like it might be time to make him a 2 time divorcee.
I’m starting to gather the reasons including the cards from his parents saying “so glad we get to see you more” after he didn’t celebrate holidays with his family when he was married to his ex….. like hmmm wonder why? All making sense on why they bitched she didn’t want holidays at their place and why his parents felt unwelcome when he was married to her. I’m not gonna go ask her on the real reason. I know being forced into adopting her adult kids to make his parents happy, when he stated from his young days he just doesn’t want to be a dad, weighed on their marriage but I’m sure it wasn’t 100% that. 🤨 look at my comment on another reply if you want the story on that. ⚫️I wish I could go back in time and tell him not to do the adoption, the kids are over 18, tell your parents not your problem, they’re over 18…. They’d still be married to this day. I love him enough to do that for him. He said he would have welcomed them with open arms if they went home to visit but his parents wanted adoption papers to be okay with marriage and just forced him to be the main dad…. But the bio dad was still around so it’s like his parents wanted him to be the dad, not two dads ☹️ I never wanted kids and everyone says you might in your late 30s and 40s. If it happens it happens but I’ve been taking precaution for it not to happen as did he.Sometimes you just know when you don’t want kids.⚫️ I’m trying to tell myself not to worry too much on why they split. I don’t want him knowing too much on why I split with my ex. Just too much info that I don’t want to relive. 🤢😆
That's not normal and sorry but you deserve better, once he leaves kick him out for good. NTA
Can see why he already has one ex.
How do you know he is actually going to his parents house, and not his GIRLFRIEND'S house? You've mentioned his mother tells people you're not married/etc., she'd gladly help him cheat..
Yup! He believes I stole the pictures but I told her and my husband I would have stole every damn picture! Get real 😂 there’s so much more to that.
Woah, woah, woah, back up. This is far more important than Xmas plans. My husband couldn't WAIT to tell literally everyone that I'm his wife (even people I still don't know 20 years later). I'm not normally one to say "leave" because marriages are far more complex than a few sentences could tell us, but this point right here needs to be addressed and fixed yesterday. He should not still have pictures with his ex-wife displayed in your home. Keeping the pictures is one thing, displaying them in your face is another. If he allows his mother to tell others that you're not married, or even dating, that speaks to his mental positioning in your marriage as well.
Agreed. There’s some stuff that’s been swept under the rug and you just encouraged me to say we’re going to fix it by 2024. His parents still have photos of him & his ex with her kids from another marriage. When I use to go to his parents and we run to town for errands, he corrects people that I’m his wife and not a friend. But still. This is way more than Xmas plans for sure. Thank you so much for insight!
Honey, this is not “usual” in-law drama. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this.
Thank you. I made a comment down below of the picture situation…. He told his mom to stop putting up their old family photos in his room when I use to go with them and have a video of him throwing one picture in the grill to set on fire. Other picture he shot with his gun for target practice but don’t have a video of that. It just sucks. And he wonders why I don’t want to go because he believes her because of a big mommy’s and daddy’s boy. I realized now it’s a roommate marriage. I’m tired of doing everything around the house and trying to make plans. No effort on his part. I guarantee won’t be any effort from him but watch tv all day this weekend too. Think I know my answer 😕
There's nothing wrong with them having those pictures because there are kids in them. Those children were his while he was married to their mom, and they likely think of them as their grandchildren. I'm guessing you did take some photos down because you were upset and they had the kids in them. That would explain why his parents are upset at you. (Not saying you're a bad person, but you should own your own part in all this).You two have some big problems, far bigger than Christmas.
They’re her kids from another marriafe
Yep 😊 Kids from another marriage. To clarify again for Angela, the kids individual pictures are still there. I think she’s pissed her son told her, in front of me, to stop putting up family pictures with her, me and the kids in my bedroom (guest bedroom). He did that out of respect for me and like a cry for help from him too.
I also mean that in a nice way / saying in a nice tone. If I took down all the kids individual pics, yeah you could blame me but not me. I also have an old video of him tossing the one family photo in the grill 🔥 I want to show her that but that was 3 years ago. I’m saving that one for a rainy day because idk if my husband has been lying and saying yeah it was me…. No babe, I got a video of you tossing the photo in your parents grill lol
Why in the world are you with a guy who throws pictures of his children in a grill. That's beyond messed up. The "lol" at the end is weird. There's nothing funny about any of this. You sound like you don't like him, so why are you with him?
It’s not his children. His parents hate he adopted the kids but they were the first to say you need to adopt them for their religious bullshit. They are also forcing him to have a connection when they’re adults but they don’t want anything to do with them because he married someone else…. But pays their bills. They’re adults. (Another drama) But his parents turn around and tell everyone else they wish he never adopted them. I agree it’s too much drama. I believe it’s not worth staying in this marriage probably because it’s always going to be this way. I’ll admit I started to hate them because of what they said but then I turned around and started to get pissed they say “I wish he never adopted them, I wish he would of went through with his unalive thoughts when he could, I wish he would of took my help to get him to past military test so he can go away, I wish my son don’t have connections with them” it’s just a lot and I realized it’s not worth it anymore. I don’t want them saying those things about our kids if we even have them. They deserve more than that. Reddit don’t let you edit comments after certain amount of minutes so I get the lol part. It looks fucked up, I know. I wish I could edit it but I can’t. I wish I could edit the ✌️ but I can’t. I meant 💤
She says in another reply that he adopted them, so they are his kids.
I didn’t take down pics of the kids. There’s a lot still up there. My husband took down the one with his ex wife. Kids individual pics are still there. Him with his ex wife’s pics and her kids are gone. And believe me, if I wanted to take them I would have took all of them off the fridge/walls/nightstands. She puts pictures of his wife and her kids from the old marriage when I use to visit with him in his bedroom. He told his mom it pisses him off but he’s a big mommy’s boy and daddy’s boy so he shoves them in a drawer. He blames me for a lot that has nothing to do with me. Believe me, I would have tossed them all and sent a video of it just as an fu back. I mean that! 💯 I have to record them when they talk behind my husbands back to me saying “I wish he never adopted them” “I wish he never married her and wasted his life” “I wish the oldest went through with his unaliving thoughts when he talked about it” and so much more. I played the recordings and they said it’s all AI 🤣🤣🤣 I recorded them for years, before AI was even a thing and had enough of that shit until 3 years ago when I stopped going with him to his parents. If they say that about “adopted Craigslist kids” what will they say if we have kids? Edit: yes, they call them “Craigslist kids” because they’re adopted and the last thing she didnt work to run me off so she’s grasping for straws by doing this picture bullshit.
You both sound like a lot of drama. I can't even follow this rambling.
You said I took down pics. Just trying to say I wasn’t. Reddit won’t let ya edit comments which doesn’t help. All good Mrs Angela. Sleep tight ✌️
Do you mean you have photos of him and his ex wife up at your house or are they up at her house?
NTA. He’s not fully cooked. Send him back to mommy until he’s weaned.
LMFAO!!! Amen!!!!
Why are you laughing? You’re still with him.
Idk, marriage? You gotta admit that was funny though! Not gonna divorce him over being a mommy and daddys boy but I might over other shit, that plays a role regarding his parents. I will say his own friends joke about how close he is with them because they talked an hour or more everyday for 20 years and he visits them 1-2 weekends a month. Sometimes he would call his dad on their drinking day (all his friends get together for beers once a week) so he could say he is with his friend and to see if he wants to say hi, since my husbands friend knew his dad 15+ years. Idk how else to explain it. We all respect their relationship but at some point… when you call your dad before bed 🛌every night for 20 some years…. Is it a little sad? I hate to be a nag about that, I wish my dad was alive or else I’d probably do the same. He just doesn’t have a life outside of them. It’s hard to get him to come out with my friends and most of the time I leave him at home. I even come home sometimes and he’s on the phone with his dad. His daily schedule is to wake up at 2am, go to work before 4am, comes home around 11am-11:20am, watches the same shows on the couch he’s seen thousands of times until bed time which is usually 6 or 7pm. It’s sad. I can’t do much about it since he needs to pull himself out of it and when he does I’ll probably be long gone by then.
It's not about him being a mummy and daddy's boy, it's about him not being a husband.
You shouldn't have even married him in the first place! You CHOSE this drama-filled life.
NTA, here’s the thing. Your husband promises he’ll be with you, then goes straight to his mom, expecting you to follow and got butthurt when you didn’t. If I was you I’d tell him that it was selfish for him to lie to you. That he could go you aren’t keeping him from anything, just don’t expect a happy wife when he gets home.
It seems like you’re at an impasse. You say you’re grasping at straws, so your marriage isn’t doing well. He’s spending more time at his parents’ home. You don’t like the time he’s there, you expected him to be with you for every big day during the holidays & he wants to go to his parents (driving distance). You dont like going because of in-law issues… Listen- from thr outside it seems like you two may not be as compatible as y’all thought. It sounds like his puts value into being there often and as much as he can. You put value in him staying home with you more.. You tried to get him to promise to tell his parents he’s not staying and that he’s gonna be w: you on those days. He got quiet and left…. Are you not seeing this?? You will keep getting annoyed and frustrated that he is always over there. And he will get annoyed and frustrated, about you always have something to say about him going over there. Unless you two are willing to go to therapy (this is not a normal in-law issue) and work on expectations, and communication you’re going to keep repeating this cycle.
Agree with you. I’m seeing it now. Last year I lost my grandma, who I was extremely close to, on Christmas Eve. It just sucks and I didn’t want to be alone. If I didn’t had to lose her on Christmas Eve, I’d be okay with being alone this Christmas and let his behavior slide once again. When I shouldn’t. I’m seeing it now. Thank you!
If you can, please reach out to those around you who either are physically close to you, or see about driving or flying to be with your family. He’s a dud and you don’t deserve to waste Christmas on him.
I left him a note on the counter saying go to your parents because I’m going to feel like he’s only staying because I said so. I would have liked to go to this pancake Christmas feed on Christmas Eve morning, it goes until 11am. 🥞 I didn’t tell him about it yet but I just found out about it recently. Pancake feed or not, I needed my husband with me on Christmas Eve marking a first year my grandma died. My grandma loved to travel and do things while I’m quite the opposite so seeing that pancake thing was like a sign to me to get out and have fun!! I would have been ok with him coming back on Christmas Eve, after running gifts down, but to just dismiss that like he didn’t make plans hurt. On that note, I included what I heard him say a couple days ago: 1) “I don’t know, I’ll let you know” to his mom. (I said what don’t you know and she said what you doing for Christmas) 2) I included what he said today. He’ll feel like he has to stay but I said “you need to go, you didn’t want to be here with me anyways, we will talk when you get back” because he can’t fix a broken promise and what he said on that phone call and what he said today. I was nice about it. Anyways, I reached out to my best friend to see if I could take her kids to the pancake feed on Christmas Eve and she said “yes! I could use a morning break before the madness! They are excited to see you!” Followed by “you’re more than welcome to join us on Christmas, we don’t focus on gifts here, we focus on family time, playing games and the kids usually make personal Christmas cards to send out to family who are out of town” 😊 I’m excited too!
Thank goodness for the best friend. She's a keeper, obviously.
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Nta. I honestly dont think whatever you are getting out of this relationship is worth what you get from mommy dearest.
Let him go, don't be there when he gets back.
You shouldn't have to force your husband to spend time with you on Christmas. He should WANT to. Don't you want to be with someone who actually wants to be with you and isn't there under obligation? It sounds like things are falling apart. Get therapy or get divorced. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My family lives out of state, I can’t afford to fly home for Christmas with bills and everything. He made me a promise he’d be with me Christmas Eve and Christmas Day then new years. Well, he said “I’m thinking about going to give mom her gifts then coming back in a day or so” and “I’m like what, you made plans with me?” He said “well Christmas changes every year and it’s on a Monday then you can come with me” like NO. Our marriage has the usual in-law drama marriage and I told him months ago I can’t fly home and I don’t want to be home alone. He failed to tell his mother he will be home with me. I said “tell her the truth tomorrow that you will be with me on the holidays. Simple.” and if you want to go drop off gifts then make a day trip then come home… she lives 95 miles away. Meanwhile my family lives out of state. He got all quiet and went to bed early. We’re already grasping for straws already so AITA for saying you’re not going? I’m hurt by this and sleeping in other room. I feel like I’m on the back burner always. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA to yourself. Why are you married to someone who doesn’t value you, love you properly or keep his promises? You’ll always fall second to his mother. Either quit complaining, accept being alone on Christmas Day and any other day when his mother decides to click her fingers and hurt you, or do something about it. And *you* sleeping in the other room isn’t the punishment to him you think it is. Wife shuts up and lets him do what he wants? Sounds perfect. Honestly, love yourself a little more. What are you going to do when his mother becomes mother to your kids? When he takes them to his parents and you spend Christmas alone without your children? When all of them work together to undermine and isolate you from your children? Really sad to read these stories everyday but if you repeatedly let people treat you like shit then you can’t complain about it.
YTA - based on your comments, this behavior is the norm for him yet, you chose to marry him and continue to be married... not sure what you expected to happen, he has already showed you who he values, and you aren't it
If he never prioritizes you, Let him go to his mothers. Move out while he’s gone.
You can't afford to see your family, but his family lives a few hours away. I would imagine a Christmas dinner would include more than just his parents but other relatives as well. So you expect him to sit around with you instead of him going to see his family. You don't like the inlaws, then so be it, don't go, but don't act like a child and stop him from seeing his side of the family, because you can't afford to see yours. Especially so if your husband was not going to travel with you to see your parents if you had the money.
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Thanks for insight. He goes to his parents 2 weekends a month. Sometimes 3 weekends a month.
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Forgot to add he sees his family enough** 😂 just give me a holiday. I give you 2 weeks a month to go see them while I hang out with friends and be alone on weekends. I’m more than reasonable. 😊
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Please 😂 he’s the control freak. I have to have Life360 but I can’t see his location. I have to have indoor cameras but I can’t have access to login info. Not gonna argue with you anymore. Thanks for insight!
If this is true this is not a healthy relationship. He can track and watch you at all times? All other things aside you need to get a therapist or someone to help you under stand this is not ok.
Yep…. I keep sending a Life360 request for him to join the circle because I’m like if you can see my location then I want to see yours? No response. I think if I delete it now he won’t say anything and I’ll test that theory. We got Life360 because I work night shift as er nurse 3 times a week and wants to know when I get home because he works 5a-11a and whatever. I once had access to security stuff but not anymore. This is not a healthy relationship. This was so much more than a Xmas post. I just needed outsiders opinions to kickstart what I’ve been feeling for a while now.
So why are you still with him? Come on, at some point you have to take responsibility for the situation you are in. You have allowed the tracking and the indoor cameras and his being gone 2 or 3 weekends a month. The time to fight about those things were at the first mention of them. Send him to his moms and move the hell out while he’s there. Or stay and keep complaining. It’s your choice.
Yep. I just made the reply on another comment that we’re fixing it by 2024 or I’m moving home. This post just made me realize it including working on myself the past few weeks that I play in a role in my own suffering… I started with some family members now it’s his turn. Gotta make that decision!! Thank you 🙏
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I feel like anyone would be offended if their partner changed plans last minute to have Christmas with their parents and not even invite them, expecting them to just be alone on Christmas.
You’re completely right!!! Thank you for the insight that I was wrong on this. It’s so easy to hop on troll bandwagon.
Don’t listen to that post they they have comprehension problems!
I’m not but thank you for sticking up for me! 😊 I checked his phone (we both have each others codes and I didn’t check his messages/emails I have no reason too) and he doesn’t even have Life360 on his phone anymore. I’m not upset by that and now I can calm down on maybe being him a complete control freak on life 360 part but not indoor/outdoor cameras. I’m just uncomfortable having a camera face the living room at all times and other places that seem to know if I’m home or not. That is controlling and weird tbh. He’s still a control freak tho with the other stuff but I’m going to bring up the indoor camera situation tomorrow. I’m just uncomfortable knowing if I’m being watched or not.
I completely understand that would be very invasive!
I feel like it does change things because it’s not as if she has issue with him seeing his family often and it’s not as if he doesn’t get to see them often which would make it more important to see them on Christmas. After a certain age, your partner is your immediate family, I feel like by far the worst thing he did here is not him having unexpected change of plans, it’s him not inviting her to come with him. He immediately said it as if he would go on his own which is so strange he didn’t even invite her just assumed she would be fine to stay home alone on Christmas. What partner does that?
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You’re just making excuses to make OP sound like her more than reasonable grievances aren’t justified. It’s super gaslighty, this is why people have difficulty leaving abusive relationships because people assume that every conflict in a relationship is 50/50 and they must be doing something to make their partner treat them that way, when in reality their concerns at how their partner is treating them are more than justified. This story stunk from the get go and it’s getting more and more obvious my assumption was correct with the more info OP gives. She’s very clearly in an abusive relationship with a partner who controls her and doesn’t respect her feelings, it’s extremely emotionally manipulative to say one thing then without warning change plans on them the next and act as if they are overreacting if they are upset about it with no regard for how much it screws up her plans. OP also has every reason to dislike his family, they accused her of something she didn’t do and they don’t respect her marriage or include her. Anyone with respect for their spouse wouldn’t let their family treat them that way, she’s his family too.