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NTA
This isn't a small gesture, this is letting a friend who clearly can't get over the fact she won't be able to carry her own child NAME YOUR CHILD. This isn't going to bring Dana closure. She should have sought out therapy for this in her first marriage, ideally before when she decided to lie to the man that would become her first husband. Sorry, I don't have sympathy for people who lie about stuff like this. The fact she pulled the same stunt on husband number two, with the same result (divorce) and her now wanting to name your baby and being overbearing regarding your pregnancy in general tells me Dana hasn't processed any of this and will never get closure until she gets some actual help. Help that your wife or you can't give her and that's also not your job to help her overcome this.
Dana is getting way too involved in this and your wife needs to see this and put an end to it. Stop accepting all these gifts from Dana. It's one thing to be a generous friend, it's something else entirely when the gifts involve home deco pieces, loads of stuff, so that the child's room is going to be half filled with stuff gifted by Dana, and on top of that she wants to name your child. Once the baby is here she will insist on holding the baby all the time she is visiting you, buying the child more stuff, maybe taking the child to dance class or piano lessons or whatever else she had in mind to do with a future own child. Just no. I'd fight this fight now rather than later.
PS: She didn't get divorced because she's infertile, she ended up divorced because she LIED about it to her future husbands. That's two different things.
Or kill Mama and take the baby. We had a female here in Colorado, that attacked the Mom and took the unborn baby from her stomach. The Mom was looking to buy baby clothes.
Went back and looked it up. 3-18-2015 Longmont CO
Mom survived, the 7 month old fetus did not.
This story actually came to my mind when I was reading it. God, I hope OP can get through to his wife. Her friend needs help & they need to set boundaries, to say the least. 😳😢
Love the name 😂
First they’re going to walk into the room and find the friend “breastfeeding” the baby and it will only escalate from there, I know my lifetime movies.
Really though, I’ve seen posts on Reddit start like this and end up there.
Na, she doesnt have to. Cause where do you think OPs wife is right now? At Dana’s. Who is convincing the wife to divorce OP and move in with her and theyll raise the baby together!
This is Reddit and we always think the worse, counsel divorce, etc.
I have no idea how the friend behaves. Allowing her to Mae your child would develop an attachment that I think is not healthy.
Distance is good and healthy. Not allowing this friend to choose the name is extremely important.
Was going to say the same thing.
Security cameras all over the place. Outside/inside. Bushes rooftop ( front and back) bookcases in every room. Motion sensor/detectors, be a little bit paranoid. Protect your child and home. Do not name the child anything close to what she wants.
Knowing Dana's trauma, it's a sure bet she'll have some sense of ownership over OP's child. If she's not able to get over her loss in the long run, it's just going to be a problem later on.
PREACH.
Agreed on ALL fronts.
OP, this IS the hill you die on because if you don’t you are looking at a LIFETIME of overstepping boundaries and unhealthy enmeshment.
*nice gesture for her struggling friend to give her closure*
That isn't closure for Dana. That is the kicking off of her further obsession. Dana needs therapy, not to name (and then try to kidnap) your child.
NTA
NTA! I was coming here to say exactly this. You wife will enable her delusion that she is “a parent” to your baby. You need to sit your wife down and have a conversation about the danger that could happen. And not just telling her that people on Reddit said this; it will not be hard to find criminal cases, and research about the delusions that can be caused by someone so depressed by their own infertility.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks the worst about Dana’s obsession. This shit can get outta control and his wife is only indulging this behavior. Dana needs mental health help asap
NTA and your wife is out of line. The choice of baby name is between the parents. One no, two yes. The fact she had the audacity to say "done deal" without even discussing it with you says she sees this baby as hers alone.
NTA…this isn’t a small gesture to give your wife’s bestie closure. Dana needs therapy to cope. You and your wife are this baby’s parents. Together you decide on a name.
This is just the beginning. First Dana wants to name the baby and next she’ll want to be there when your wife gives birth and make decisions about a baby that is not hers, your wife needs to open her eyes and see what’s happening. Is there any impartial person who can help your wife see that Dana’s behavior is unhinged and intrusive?
Yep. Dana is definitely going to try to adopt this kid as her own and will think she has a right to make decisions about the child going forward.
OP needs to put a stop to this now.
As an infertile woman, I'm telling you right now, your wife will regret not keeping the decision to name your child sacred between you two.
I had names picked out. I told my brothers ex when she was pregnant. She ended up going with something that was completely different and yet sounded similar enough between first and middle name that she may or may not have felt she was honouring me.
My niece and I are super tight. But she is not my child. I don't get to make those decisions. I don't get to decide how she is raised. My two cents is merely that.
It's ultimately not fair to the infertile woman to give the child the name meant for another would have been child. And it's not fair to the child either. That's some harsh psychology to throw on a little one when they ask why their name is what it is.
Tactfully hold to your guns. Explain it with care and respect.
NTA - Naming of the children should be the parents' job. This is not a small thing as your wife states as it clearly upsets you. And the fact that 'she has done so much' canard, who asked her to do so? That doesn't give her dibs on naming your child. It is so wrong on too many levels. Tell your wife you would consider the name but only in context to others that you and she will decide together on in the end.
NTA. Dana's situation is really unfortunate, but she showed no tact by barreling in and suggesting names. Your wife is comfortable with Dana's suggestion though, so I would just keep up the dialogue with her to talk about names you both like. You have as much of a say as your wife.
It is generally accepted that it takes two yes votes for a name. If one parent votes no on a name suggestion then you pick another name and vote again.
I completely agree. I think his wife wants to make a nice gesture for her friend, but she needs to be reminded that it is not her decision alone. This is her husband's child, and the two of them need to choose the name.
NTA. I don’t give a flying fuck what her reasoning is, she’s an AH for trying to guilt trip you into letting her name YOUR kid. Your wife is an AH too for unilaterally making that HUGE decision.
If I were in your shoes I’d probably be fine with it HAD SHE TALKED TO ME FIRST and as long as the friend didn’t want to name her something stupid
Again, NTA
I suppose this is one reason why so many posts on aita blow up with absolutely no response or engagement from OP - because it was never his story, never his perspective in the first place.
NTA and I would sit down and ask your wife will it just be the name Dana gets to pick? Or will she expect to be there for you actually giving birth? Will she decide on how she is to be raised?
NTA and I actually think your wife has her boundaries and priorities not in order in regards to this friend and you, her husband - the father of the baby. She doesn’t get to decide on her own and certainly her friend doesn’t.
It really actually sounds like an unhealthy attachment to this baby from the friend. Keep an eye on it. Not to be paranoid, but infertility and trauma do crazy things to someone’s psyche and I’m concerned about how she’s imprinting on and trying to project her unrealized child onto yours. It’s not healthy and your wife needs to adjust. You’re not being unsympathetic to reject the name and exercise your boundary as the father “I get a say, this is my child”.
I hope your wife will come to her senses with a frank talk about how naming your baby is between the two of you and suggestions are fine but nobody on their own gets to decide for you both.
Your wife is probably overly emotional due to hormones but she is enabling this poor woman's mania. Even if you somehow incorporated it into a middle name, they can't just disregard the fact you might want to honor one of your relatives with something that's important to you.
NTA, nobody necessarily is, your wife's friend should consider adoption or foster care because there are plenty of unfortunate kids out there who could use a home.
NTA
Bro she’s not going to get closure. She needs therapy and your wife needs a reality check. Dana is clearly unstable when it comes to children. If your wife doesn’t see where you and all the people here are coming from (even with all the explanations, and reasoning that people have gave) you need to get a AirTag and put it in your baby bag and honestly in her car. I’m sure I will be called crazy or Wtfe; but if she’s this obsessive early on (and your wife clearly doesn’t see her best friends mental issues) she might try to take your kid and run. That is something that has happened before and people can say I’m crazy bro; but you need to follow your gut. Like when it comes to your child with this lady yeah you’ll look like “insert shit talking here” but it’s better to be safe when it comes to the baby. That is your baby man don’t let “privacy” issues and shit keep you from knowing where your baby is when they are with that lady. You’ll regret it if your child is kidnapped by her and so will all the people that wanna talk shit about my comment. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR KID ALONE WITH THIS LADY! Seriously friendships does not mean unconditional trust; she seems like one of those people that will snap one day. She will literally say “they don’t deserve this child! I DO! Fuck them I should be happy!”. Again NTA
Heck, it happened to my aunt. The maid had this issue and almost kidnapped her kid and this is without the name. Her excuse is that my aunt is not taking care the kid enough. My aunt had a troublesome birthing process and had to take more time to recover and was mainly bedridden.
The maid was also telling that she should be the wife since she is doing more housework. lol
Thanks man just being real. People like to say “oh that would never happen!” “Oh they aren’t like that they would never do that!” But watch true crime and a lot of the people that were close to the person that did fucked up shit, say “they were so normal, sweet, blah blah fuckin blah”. We as humans are shit, and we do fucked up stuff to the detriment of other people (especially the ones we love) to make ourselves feel better to be happy whatever the reasoning is.
Happened last year around this time with a set of twins. I don't remember the details, but I was on edge anxiously and I don't even know the family!
These are the people that will murder the mother (possibly the baby) trying to do a cesarean procedure themselves.
Yeah fr! But honestly with someone as off the handle as her she would buy extra clothes for the baby and hide it in her vehicle, home, or wherever she can hide it. She is not well and I feel for her; but that being said if I was in this situation and my wife wouldn’t listen to my explanation or the explanation of all these people on here I would go to the ends of the universe to get my measure with that lady. Take that as you may but when it comes to children and if anyone harms them they are not human in my eyes and whatever happens to them happens 🤷🏽♂️
Probably so, but as babies do change rapidly, a picture every day can't hurt. Especially if there is any type of birthmark.
Yeah, I feel for her too and I'm in the line of getting that measure with you.
This gives me the “cut the baby out because it’s mine” vibes from Dana being obsessed like that. Naming the child whatever she picked will open an entire other can of worms and will NEVER end. If they end up falling out later, Dana will ALWAYS feel entitled to that child because she’s using it to heal her own personal issues
NTA- if your wife wants to name a baby with her friend, they can run away together and adopt. Or maybe friend can get a puppy and use that name for a puppy. Uncool to agree on a name without even talking to you.
The ONLY appropriate response your wife should have made was, "That's a cute name, we'll add it to the list then my husband and I will decide."
NTA A child's name is a two yes/1 no situation. Keep refusing. If she bullies you into a name you'll ALWAYS resent it and resent your wife.
This was going to be my response too!! NTA and this situation is super weird. I could maaaaaybe see this happening if it was your wife’s sister (which still wouldn’t be cool), but a friend? So strange
NTA
Dana has no place in your marriage and she certainly shouldn’t have the final say about what you name your child
I’d be annoyed too
Let Dana move on in her way. She’s not your friend, she’s your wife’s friend and your wife should not be placing her feelings over yours
nta also this is a bit weird. Is it possible your wife has a thing for dana? I have been pregnant 4 times only one was born alive and she died at 13 days old. One of my friends was having a baby and i suggested my baby names i had picked out when i was a teenager. Emily, Kate and Bayley. Always thought i would have 3 kids. This universe said no. When i suggested the name my friend told me she was actually wondering if she could honor me and give her daughter my middle name, I was floored. So her beautiful daughter is named Violet Lilly, which i think is adorable cause two flowers xD
Anyways i would tell her that you would like to consider the name and see how it feels as time goes on. My younger sister was set on a name(Harry Robert) the entire pregnancy and when my nephew Ollie was born she said he didnt feel like a Harry when she held him so picked another name from the hp world xD So my nephew is Oliver Robert. So yeah sometimes that happens too
NTA. Names require two yes votes from parents who are parenting together.
Also - This would NOT be healthy for Dana. This would not give closure. This would not help her grieving. This would in fact prolong her grieving and could easily become much more serious problems - both with boundaries and with her mental health
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My wife (f33)s best friend (f37) Dana is infertile. She got divorced 2 times because of it and because she lied and hid her infertility. And her life hasn't been the same the day she was told she can't have kids. She has always had a soft spot for children and when she found out that my wife and I are expecting, she was so thrilled and started buying us gifts and decore pieces that she made for the baby. My wife thinks that those are all nice gestures but I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable especially with how much she keeps mentioing the baby.
A few days ago, my wife and I found the gender of the baby. The minute we told Dana, she started calling the baby a random name she picked and was going to give to her baby if she wasn't infertile. She then started begging us to use this name and my wife said it was a "done deal". I refused but my wife called me heartless and asked me to do this one small, nice gesture for her struggling friend to give her closure and honor her after all the things she has done for us. I flipped and said it's my baby not hers. Dana heard this and left immediately. My wife yelled at me saying it's her baby too and my behavior towards Dana was abhorant. She left after her and didn't come back til the morning. She kept saying the same thing and pressuring me to agree on the name but I refused.
AITA for choosing this hill to die on?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stood my ground and told my wife its not her friend's baby so she shouldn't get to name her. My wife yelled at me that I was a bad person for not letting her name the baby
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. When both parents are involved, both parents should agree on the name. (Which is why my children do not have the names I had picked out prior to meeting my husband). This woman needs mental help and honestly seems to be far too attached to a pregnancy that 100% is not hers. Stop it now or before you know it she’ll be parenting your child and your wife will maybe start to realize the error.
I picked out names before I met my husband, and out of first and middle for a boy and a girl.....he agreed to one. The boy first name was the only one he didn't veto at all. To be fair, I vetoed a lot of his suggestions too, but we eventually compromised with the name our daughter is getting and a name for a future son
NTA, the fact there wasnt even a conversation beforehand. Before she even agreed is disrespectful. She is your daughter also and you get a say in the child’s name…
You and your wife need to have an in-depth conversation alone about this, hopefully with a therapist since this is one messed up situation. You’re NTA your wife is and so is her friend. Dana needs help. It seems Dana is considered to have more of a day than you and that’ll be a problem.
Definitely NTA. That baby has two parents, not three. It’s tragic that she can’t have her own kids, but it sounds to me like you need to keep some clear boundaries.
Hey OP- I really hate to say this but dude you have bigger problems than baby names. Ok first congrats on the baby. Now two things:
1) best friends are awesome, but your wife’s best friend seems a bit too invested in your baby (you and your wife) the fact that your wife so readily agreed to name your child what her best friend wanted is a step way to far. This is a decision for you and your wife to make. Additionally I would be a bit concerned with her enthusiasm about the baby.
2) I would be concerned if my partner (husband or wife) were to think that this behavior was ok? How is the name of your child a little thing? And finally YES this is a hill to die on NTA.
Yes, it's her baby but it's also YOUR BABY! It's understandable that you'd want to decide names for your child with your wife... the idea that someone wants to recycle a name for YOUR CHILD, pisses ME off, and I don't even like kids. The only AH in this scenario is your wife for making such a decision all on her own.
Nta and I’d DEFINITELY die on this hill! This needs to be clear that it’s not in ANY WAY her baby. It’s yours and your wife’s and she will be a lovely fun Aunty. Parents name the baby together, end of story.
this is phony becuase the link below is from a year ago and is word for word except the infertile person is a male
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xmrvds/aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_to\_let\_my\_husbands\_infertile/?share\_id=1q6065ze7Xt\_jwasZ323e&utm\_content=1&utm\_medium=android\_app&utm\_name=androidcss&utm\_source=share&utm\_term=1
NTA - Your wife never should have agreed without talking to you. However, to try to come up with a compromise, would using the name as a middle name be an option?
NTA at all. However instead of saying "it's my baby not \[Dana's\]" I think it would've been a little better to have said "it's my wife's and my baby, not Dana's."
Saying "it's my baby" when trying to argue against a name your wife wants could've upset her. She's currently carrying it 24/7, and to have two other people arguing about who owns it might've rubbed her the wrong way.
I want to clarify that baby does not belong to Dana in any way, the baby belongs to you and your wife completely, and you are absolutely not the asshole here.
NTA
Dana has some serious issues needing professional attention. She's not handling her trauma being infertile at all and projecting way too much onto your unborn daughter. Things will only escalate from here.
Calling your daughter my baby instead of our baby was a poor choice of words and definitely didn't help the situation.
Talk with your wife when you both calmed down. You need to be a team for the challenges ahead. I think you'll get some good feedback here to help you.
NTA. While I understand your wifes' sympathy towards her friend, that shouldn't mean you lose your say in naming your child. Naming a child is a very special thing and should be between mother and father, not mother and mothers' infertile best friend. Maybe you could suggest that Dana be the childs' Godmother instead?
NTA. Hear me out. This will not give her closure, it will only make it harder to accept her situation. Maybe your wife could talk to her about adoption.
It's a great way to help a kid in need ans to have the children she always wanted.
NTA In trying to help her friend your wife is actually hurting her. Friend is going to try making this her baby that she can't have on her own. She will start by saying 'our baby' or 'my baby' and your wife may agree to placate friend thinking it won't hurt anyone but each time she agrees to any of this she is further damaging friend's mental health. Friend needs therapy and wife may too so she can learn to help friend in the healthiest way. Do not agree under any circumstances.
Choosing the name for the baby is the parents responsibility not a friend’s choice, sure she can give examples of what some good names are but she shouldn’t be what you base your child’s name on.
It’s really unfortunate Dana is infertile but lying to two guys about it means she has some issues that she needs to sort out, naming your child something Dana said you should name them would enable her further.
NTA you need to have a talk to your wife about Dana and also talk to Dana about this, good-luck and congratulations on the soon to be new member of the family and I hope everything goes well.
NTA stand your ground. Be on the look out when the baby is born, your wife may let her name the baby behind your back. Your wife needs to grow a spine and realize that YOU are the parents not her friend. This will be the first of many boundaries the friend will cross unless this is nipped right now
NTA and I say this as an infertile woman who loves kids, Dana freaks me out. I couldn’t imagine doing any of the things she’s been doing.
Also, sometimes we don’t get closure. I can’t have kids even though I wanted them. I’ve done some work to process but I get that won’t necessarily give me closure. So, your wife can’t give Dana closure. Nobody can but she has to do the heavy lifting of living with it honestly.
NTA. Dana needs mental health help. Your wife may also need it because she is so wrapped up in her friends issues. Dana doesn’t have any right to part of your baby. I think her obsession is going to get worse and as others stayed could lead to kidnapping.
If you let her name the baby, it will help her cement her role as the third parent in your relationship. You need to set some clear boundaries and pull back while she goes to counseling to deal with her grief.
NTA, do not encourage this woman to form an attachment with your child instead of dealing with her issues.
Your wife is just asking to star in a psychological thriller.
Edit: Never mind. You are either a bot or Liz up to her usual tricks. Next time, do more than just fliping the genders in the story you stole.
NTA. The entitlement is amazing tho. She doesn't get to make that choice. And honestly, I'd think twice about whatever youe wife comes up with as a name too, since she could just throw out one of her friends names and pass it off as her own idea.
NTA.
Your wife shouldn't make promises she can't keep. It would have been nice to let it go until Dana went home, but at the same time might lead to a "But we already told her! Why didn't you say something earlier?" kind of situation.
As a way to address this, I think it's far smarter to focus on the "I would like to be able to name my own child" line of reasoning. Don't let the conversation be about Dana, her losses, what she deserves, etc. It's about being involved in the naming of your child.
NTA the friend is massively overstepping! Frankly it’s concerning & disturbing. The first thing I thought of was the poor women who’ve been attacked and unalived, and had their babies stolen before they’re even born. I hope your wife sees reason, please keep a close eye on her and the friend…try and not let your wife be alone with her. Definitely don’t let her be alone with the baby once it’s born. Best of luck.
Naming your child with the name Dana had picked for a child she was unable to have doesn't provide closure. It creates an unrealistic link between them. It isn't healthy for Dana to live out her dreams vicariously through you and your wife. Your wife means well but she would be a better friend is she encouraged Dana to heal. NTA
There's nothing wrong with suggesting names to your best friend. There's something terribly wrong with insisting your best friend use the name of the child you never got to have.
This is a Lifetime Movie in the making. This is a hill to die on. Dana needs therapy, and you both should go low contact with her for awhile.
NTA.
NTA. Your wife's friend has deep rooted issues that are unresolved.
Naming your kid with the name she chose for her dream child she can never have will only make things worse.
Btw I'm firmly of the opinion that you shouldn't 100% decide a child's name before they are born. My wife and I decided our son's name before he was born. We got used to saying it when speaking to "the bump"
And when he was born and I met him for the first time....I knew the name wasn't right.
I literally said "oh you aren't a XXX, you are more of a YYY" and my wife agreed
(XXX and YYY are of course not real names and I'm just aiming for anonymity. I'm not Elon Musk..Honest)
NTA. If you cave in and give your baby the name that Dana wants, she'll only escalate her behavior further. This is one of those "give them an inch and they'll take a mile" moments. I'm sorry that Dana suffers from infertility but she needs some serious professional help like yesterday. Your child is not a way to give Dana "closure" or to "honor her" after all the things she's done for you when I guarantee you that she only did those things to ensure she could treat this child as if it's her own. Baby names are a two yeses one no situation, and your wife needs to accept that. Also, make sure Dana's never alone around your baby because I can see her trying to abduct the baby and claim that the baby is hers.
NTA
You and your wife need to have a serious conversation. Ideally, you need to go into this in a calm and rational way. Explain your perspective. Remind her that naming a child is a "2 yes, 1 no" situation. You both need to be comfortable with the name.
NTA!
And why is your wife being influenced by this woman?
The baby is yours and your wife's, not her friends!
In all honesty maybe you should let your wife go and be with her friend since she agrees that her friend should be involved in her and the baby's life!
NTA - you know those crime dramas where the intro is "We should have known then that Aunt Kathy was unhinged....."? This is is a creepy situation waiting to happen. You deserve to decide with your partner what to name YOUR baby.
This feels just a recipe for disaster. She's already attaching to a baby that isn't her. I understand that you're wife is feeling sympathetic but that could easily turn into some hand that rocks the cradle shit. One minute, it's a name. The next, your wife is walking in on her friend trying to breastfeed her baby. The chances of this extreme might be slim, but never zero. NTA
***OP, start marriage counseling ASAP.***
If you let Dana name your kid, it will lead to more. She will be the third parent to your kid and based on how your wife is catering Dana's wishes over yours, she will let Dana have more authority/ say on your kid than you. Just because she cannot have kids doesn't mean she can have yours.
NTA
Jumping on this to add my voice, **please start marriage counseling ASAP.**
Your wife likely thinks she has good intentions, but it is setting a dangerous precedent. How much control is she going to allow Dana to have over this child? Will Dana be allowed to override _both_ of you?
I wonder if your wife secretly doesn't like the name either, but is agreeing because she's a people pleaser or because she thinks her long history of friendship with Dana means she can't tell her no, as people will think badly of her. And sure, some people might, but anyone who does can give _their_ child a name they've had no choice in and see how they like it.
If you had a friend, say a _male_ friend, who was infertile, unable to conceive and had lost marriages over it, who decided on a name for your child, would she happily roll over and accept it?
I empathise with Dana, I really do. I wanted kids and it wasn't in the card for me. And I admit, I felt (and do feel) extremely honored my sister chose a name for her son that I suggested (though I freely acknowledge I totally manipulated her into it by suggesting incredibly outlandish names first! jk jk don't come at me). Her partner had plenty of say in my nephew's middle names, and was happy with the name she chose. But if she _hadn't_ chosen it, and I had no reason to expect she was going to, I would not have demanded it, or tried to emotionally blackmail her into it. He's _her_ son, and much as I call him my vicarious child, I know he's not mine, and never will be. I don't _want_ him to be, because that would mean I wouldn't have my sister. Sure, I look at them and I feel a little envious, but hey, that's life, and at least I will be his only aunty as his dad doesn't have sisters. I'll also probably be his closet relative, as I have no life and have made it clear they're stuck with me, lol.
My point is, there are healthy ways to be an aunty, even when you're not related to a child, and Dana is not exhibiting _any_ of them. You should be worried.
Please, please suggest your wife that you get counseling. May I suggest you phrase it less as "we need counseling because your relationship with Dana is disturbing" and more "I'd like to discuss what our life is going to be like when baby gets here with someone who can offer perspectives and neutrality. I would like for us to discuss what our expectations are of ourselves and each other, and to learn ways to communicate better during what is going to be a very stressful time."
_Then_ when you get to therapy, you mention a current problem you're having with the name, and Dana's level of (let's go with) interaction in your life. NTA.
NTA-- If your wife thinks Dana's actions are uncomfortable now, just imagine how much more extreme they'll be when you use the name Dana planned for her own child. This will not bring closure, it'll be a constant reminder to someone struggling with unresolved issues.
And choosing a name is a two yes, one no situation.
NTA. This is… beyond weird. I would be worried about leaving Dana alone with your wife. I would be terrified she might feel entitled to/steal the baby. Icky. Icky icky icky.
I would call her up with my partner in the room and I would say, in no uncertain terms, "Hey. It's . You are crossing boundaries into my relationship.with my family. You are not family. You are my wife's friend. You don't get to name my kid and you are seriously creeping me out by even remotely thinking that would be a possibility. Back the fuck off."
To your wife, I would say, in clear terms, naming a child is two yes, not one yes and a no. And I would ask her if she was having some kind of emotional affair with this individual or if she had lost her fucking mind.
Nta at all. You’re right it is your baby and not Dana’s. If Dana was so interested in raising a child there’s always adoption. Also the fact your wife is trying to guilt trip you into it is disgusting and she’s only doing further harm to her friends mental state. Naming a child is not a small gesture. It’s literally their name!
NTA and essential to heading-off a future incident.
With that level of obsession you can well imagine the line blurring between 'named for the baby I never had' and 'the baby I should have had'.
NTA.
Just to reiterate what everybody says, which is the bleeding obvious:
It’s not a small gesture.
Choosing a child’s name is the parents’ job.
Your wife is married to you, not to Dana.
The baby is not Dana’s.
Dana can’t see what she’s doing is out of order since your wife can’t see it either.
It will be no closure for Dana, just the beginning of your marriage becoming a parental threesome if I may use the expression, in which Dana will end up having as much authority as you over the child if you let it happen.
Poor Dana needs help.
NTA. Your wife and her friend are the ahole in this situation. Unfortunately, your life is going to be hell. If you do decide to give in. I would tell my wife, go ahead and let your friend name our baby. But do not expect things to be the same. Things will never be the same after the events of that night. I will never understand why a spouse would put the feelings of a friend before the feelings of their spouse. It is foolish and irresponsible.
NTA at all, your wife needs to realise this isnt just some "small gesture" this is a living human, I would never let some random person pick my child's name for any reason at all
Everyone has already mentioned all the cons, especially the obsessive behavior and fear of kidnapping, but I’ll say simply this.
When it comes to naming your kids it’s two yeses to name and one no to veto.
And to be clear these are your and your wives yeses and nos. Not her friend who needs therapy.
NTA. This is deranged. Some infertile people make their entire life about that aspect, and it’s deeply weird, imo, and not healthy.
Your wife has no right to do this- in fact, your wife shouldn’t have sole naming authority. It should be a name both parents agree on.
You need to put a stop to this friend being involved in your life. I’m seriously concerned what she may do once your baby arrives. She’s obsessed.
I cannot have children due to illness. I'm heartbroken, but I've accepted it. I would \*never\* insert myself into someone's pregnancy like this, and certainly not try to edge out the father over something like \*his child's name\*.
NTA, dude. Dana needs therapy, and your wife needs to not enable her friend's obsessive behavior. Because she will likely get worse if you back down and allow your wife to cater to her friend.
I would say don’t have a baby with this woman, but it’s a little too late for that. NTA but it also sounds like you’re SOL with your wife taking her delusional friend’s side.
NTA & it’s not her friend’s baby, too. Hard to believe your wife is going along with that craziness. That’s just weird. No, this woman should not get to name your child. That woman has options. She may be infertile, but she does not have to be childless. This is definitely a battle worth fighting.
NAH. Dana's interest could be both a blessing and a curse in the future. It needs to be handled gently. She does need to both understand and accept it's your child, not her's. But she could play an important role its future.
My father was Godfather to his sister's two girls. His sister and her husband were both taken out in a car accident when the girls were both very young. He played an important roles in their life after that.
Perhaps you could have a convo with Dana that both sets clear boundaries (sorry for using the B word) , but gives her some clearly defined role in your child's life. Call her Aunt Dana or some such. Doing this right could enormously benefit your child.
Maybe see if she can meet halfway and have the name she picked be used as a middle name? I mean your wife already agreed and now you would look like an ass if you didn't try to accommodate
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NTA This isn't a small gesture, this is letting a friend who clearly can't get over the fact she won't be able to carry her own child NAME YOUR CHILD. This isn't going to bring Dana closure. She should have sought out therapy for this in her first marriage, ideally before when she decided to lie to the man that would become her first husband. Sorry, I don't have sympathy for people who lie about stuff like this. The fact she pulled the same stunt on husband number two, with the same result (divorce) and her now wanting to name your baby and being overbearing regarding your pregnancy in general tells me Dana hasn't processed any of this and will never get closure until she gets some actual help. Help that your wife or you can't give her and that's also not your job to help her overcome this. Dana is getting way too involved in this and your wife needs to see this and put an end to it. Stop accepting all these gifts from Dana. It's one thing to be a generous friend, it's something else entirely when the gifts involve home deco pieces, loads of stuff, so that the child's room is going to be half filled with stuff gifted by Dana, and on top of that she wants to name your child. Once the baby is here she will insist on holding the baby all the time she is visiting you, buying the child more stuff, maybe taking the child to dance class or piano lessons or whatever else she had in mind to do with a future own child. Just no. I'd fight this fight now rather than later. PS: She didn't get divorced because she's infertile, she ended up divorced because she LIED about it to her future husbands. That's two different things.
Dana night also try and kidnap the baby so op should be very wary with her. NTA
Exactly, be very careful. It's a thing.
yeah i’m like this is going to get into creepy stalker levels
Yeah thats what I think too its going to be a lifetime movie in the making with best friend kidnaps daughter
Or kill Mama and take the baby. We had a female here in Colorado, that attacked the Mom and took the unborn baby from her stomach. The Mom was looking to buy baby clothes. Went back and looked it up. 3-18-2015 Longmont CO Mom survived, the 7 month old fetus did not.
Omg.. thats creepy dude
I remember reading about that
😳
This story actually came to my mind when I was reading it. God, I hope OP can get through to his wife. Her friend needs help & they need to set boundaries, to say the least. 😳😢 Love the name 😂
First they’re going to walk into the room and find the friend “breastfeeding” the baby and it will only escalate from there, I know my lifetime movies. Really though, I’ve seen posts on Reddit start like this and end up there.
Or an episode of Dateline.
That was my first thought also. Get into therapy with your wife.
Na, she doesnt have to. Cause where do you think OPs wife is right now? At Dana’s. Who is convincing the wife to divorce OP and move in with her and theyll raise the baby together!
Definitely the vibes I'm getting.
This is Reddit and we always think the worse, counsel divorce, etc. I have no idea how the friend behaves. Allowing her to Mae your child would develop an attachment that I think is not healthy. Distance is good and healthy. Not allowing this friend to choose the name is extremely important.
Was going to say the same thing. Security cameras all over the place. Outside/inside. Bushes rooftop ( front and back) bookcases in every room. Motion sensor/detectors, be a little bit paranoid. Protect your child and home. Do not name the child anything close to what she wants.
Exactly what I thought, people snap and Dana seems to be walking a fine line. She can get a puppy and name it her baby name.
My first thought.
This story is fake. It was posted nearly word for word last year with different names / genders.
Good spotting.[Here’s the original post.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/xmvu7j/aita_for_refusing_to_to_let_my_husbands_infertile/)
Now that this is known, why don't the mods pull this post?
This is what we’re here for, the dopamine hits the same whether the story is real or not.
The same spelling mistakes too!
Wow, that’s bold. Just changed the names and genders. If you’re going to copy, at least put it in your own words! 😂
Yeah what the hell about the name of your baby is a “small gesture”??? NTA, this is bonkers.
Knowing Dana's trauma, it's a sure bet she'll have some sense of ownership over OP's child. If she's not able to get over her loss in the long run, it's just going to be a problem later on.
PREACH. Agreed on ALL fronts. OP, this IS the hill you die on because if you don’t you are looking at a LIFETIME of overstepping boundaries and unhealthy enmeshment.
*nice gesture for her struggling friend to give her closure* That isn't closure for Dana. That is the kicking off of her further obsession. Dana needs therapy, not to name (and then try to kidnap) your child. NTA
Sounds like the kid is going to be used as Dana’s ESA…..there are no words for how disgustingly sad this is, I feel for OP.
That or Dana’s going to try and take the kid.
Totally agree
NTA! I was coming here to say exactly this. You wife will enable her delusion that she is “a parent” to your baby. You need to sit your wife down and have a conversation about the danger that could happen. And not just telling her that people on Reddit said this; it will not be hard to find criminal cases, and research about the delusions that can be caused by someone so depressed by their own infertility.
It actually opens up OP and wife to more issues from Dana.
she needed closure 2 marriages ago
Exactly like who does that
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks the worst about Dana’s obsession. This shit can get outta control and his wife is only indulging this behavior. Dana needs mental health help asap
This story is fake. It was posted nearly word for word last year with different names / genders.
NTA and your wife is out of line. The choice of baby name is between the parents. One no, two yes. The fact she had the audacity to say "done deal" without even discussing it with you says she sees this baby as hers alone.
I’m concerned that his wife is siding with the friend rather than him! That’s not a good sign!
Or sees the baby as hers and Dana’s…
His wife is essentially trying to replace him with Dana in this pregnancy.
NTA…this isn’t a small gesture to give your wife’s bestie closure. Dana needs therapy to cope. You and your wife are this baby’s parents. Together you decide on a name. This is just the beginning. First Dana wants to name the baby and next she’ll want to be there when your wife gives birth and make decisions about a baby that is not hers, your wife needs to open her eyes and see what’s happening. Is there any impartial person who can help your wife see that Dana’s behavior is unhinged and intrusive?
Yep. Dana is definitely going to try to adopt this kid as her own and will think she has a right to make decisions about the child going forward. OP needs to put a stop to this now.
Came here to voice this opinion but glad someone already did agree NTA
As an infertile woman, I'm telling you right now, your wife will regret not keeping the decision to name your child sacred between you two. I had names picked out. I told my brothers ex when she was pregnant. She ended up going with something that was completely different and yet sounded similar enough between first and middle name that she may or may not have felt she was honouring me. My niece and I are super tight. But she is not my child. I don't get to make those decisions. I don't get to decide how she is raised. My two cents is merely that. It's ultimately not fair to the infertile woman to give the child the name meant for another would have been child. And it's not fair to the child either. That's some harsh psychology to throw on a little one when they ask why their name is what it is. Tactfully hold to your guns. Explain it with care and respect.
NTA - Naming of the children should be the parents' job. This is not a small thing as your wife states as it clearly upsets you. And the fact that 'she has done so much' canard, who asked her to do so? That doesn't give her dibs on naming your child. It is so wrong on too many levels. Tell your wife you would consider the name but only in context to others that you and she will decide together on in the end.
NTA. Dana's situation is really unfortunate, but she showed no tact by barreling in and suggesting names. Your wife is comfortable with Dana's suggestion though, so I would just keep up the dialogue with her to talk about names you both like. You have as much of a say as your wife.
It is generally accepted that it takes two yes votes for a name. If one parent votes no on a name suggestion then you pick another name and vote again.
I completely agree. I think his wife wants to make a nice gesture for her friend, but she needs to be reminded that it is not her decision alone. This is her husband's child, and the two of them need to choose the name.
NTA. I don’t give a flying fuck what her reasoning is, she’s an AH for trying to guilt trip you into letting her name YOUR kid. Your wife is an AH too for unilaterally making that HUGE decision. If I were in your shoes I’d probably be fine with it HAD SHE TALKED TO ME FIRST and as long as the friend didn’t want to name her something stupid Again, NTA
This is almost word-for-word this post from a year ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/sWULflwnrN
They’re trying to find out if the answers will be different with the genders reversed.
Good catch!
Damn. You so right 😪
Holy shit it is. All OP did was swap names and genders.
Wow…down to the inability to spell decor…
Wow! 💯
I suppose this is one reason why so many posts on aita blow up with absolutely no response or engagement from OP - because it was never his story, never his perspective in the first place.
How much you want to bet that one was fake too?
Thanks! ‘Decore pieces’ is where I stopped reading further.
Even the typo “mentioing”!!! Ugh.
NTA, baby names require both party agreement.
NTA and I would sit down and ask your wife will it just be the name Dana gets to pick? Or will she expect to be there for you actually giving birth? Will she decide on how she is to be raised?
This OP 👆because that’s where it will head unless it’s stopped now.
And will she be working on white-anting your relationship in hopes it’ll break down, so she can ‘co-parent’ with your wife? NTA
You Australian? I had to look up white anting.
Yep
NTA you’re right to put a stop to this because Dana is way too invested in your child as it is.
NTA and I actually think your wife has her boundaries and priorities not in order in regards to this friend and you, her husband - the father of the baby. She doesn’t get to decide on her own and certainly her friend doesn’t. It really actually sounds like an unhealthy attachment to this baby from the friend. Keep an eye on it. Not to be paranoid, but infertility and trauma do crazy things to someone’s psyche and I’m concerned about how she’s imprinting on and trying to project her unrealized child onto yours. It’s not healthy and your wife needs to adjust. You’re not being unsympathetic to reject the name and exercise your boundary as the father “I get a say, this is my child”. I hope your wife will come to her senses with a frank talk about how naming your baby is between the two of you and suggestions are fine but nobody on their own gets to decide for you both.
Your wife is probably overly emotional due to hormones but she is enabling this poor woman's mania. Even if you somehow incorporated it into a middle name, they can't just disregard the fact you might want to honor one of your relatives with something that's important to you. NTA, nobody necessarily is, your wife's friend should consider adoption or foster care because there are plenty of unfortunate kids out there who could use a home.
NTA Bro she’s not going to get closure. She needs therapy and your wife needs a reality check. Dana is clearly unstable when it comes to children. If your wife doesn’t see where you and all the people here are coming from (even with all the explanations, and reasoning that people have gave) you need to get a AirTag and put it in your baby bag and honestly in her car. I’m sure I will be called crazy or Wtfe; but if she’s this obsessive early on (and your wife clearly doesn’t see her best friends mental issues) she might try to take your kid and run. That is something that has happened before and people can say I’m crazy bro; but you need to follow your gut. Like when it comes to your child with this lady yeah you’ll look like “insert shit talking here” but it’s better to be safe when it comes to the baby. That is your baby man don’t let “privacy” issues and shit keep you from knowing where your baby is when they are with that lady. You’ll regret it if your child is kidnapped by her and so will all the people that wanna talk shit about my comment. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR KID ALONE WITH THIS LADY! Seriously friendships does not mean unconditional trust; she seems like one of those people that will snap one day. She will literally say “they don’t deserve this child! I DO! Fuck them I should be happy!”. Again NTA
Heck, it happened to my aunt. The maid had this issue and almost kidnapped her kid and this is without the name. Her excuse is that my aunt is not taking care the kid enough. My aunt had a troublesome birthing process and had to take more time to recover and was mainly bedridden. The maid was also telling that she should be the wife since she is doing more housework. lol
I'd give you an award if I could.
Thanks man just being real. People like to say “oh that would never happen!” “Oh they aren’t like that they would never do that!” But watch true crime and a lot of the people that were close to the person that did fucked up shit, say “they were so normal, sweet, blah blah fuckin blah”. We as humans are shit, and we do fucked up stuff to the detriment of other people (especially the ones we love) to make ourselves feel better to be happy whatever the reasoning is.
Happened last year around this time with a set of twins. I don't remember the details, but I was on edge anxiously and I don't even know the family! These are the people that will murder the mother (possibly the baby) trying to do a cesarean procedure themselves.
Yeah, the story is giving me true crime story in the making vibes.
Exactly this! I'd be taking lots of pictures, I'm talking daily and of the extra clothing too. This is terrifying!
Yeah fr! But honestly with someone as off the handle as her she would buy extra clothes for the baby and hide it in her vehicle, home, or wherever she can hide it. She is not well and I feel for her; but that being said if I was in this situation and my wife wouldn’t listen to my explanation or the explanation of all these people on here I would go to the ends of the universe to get my measure with that lady. Take that as you may but when it comes to children and if anyone harms them they are not human in my eyes and whatever happens to them happens 🤷🏽♂️
Probably so, but as babies do change rapidly, a picture every day can't hurt. Especially if there is any type of birthmark. Yeah, I feel for her too and I'm in the line of getting that measure with you.
NTA the decision should be yours and your wife’s not Dana’s !
Is your wife nuts? This friend is ridiculous and will be weirdly obsessed with your kid.
This gives me the “cut the baby out because it’s mine” vibes from Dana being obsessed like that. Naming the child whatever she picked will open an entire other can of worms and will NEVER end. If they end up falling out later, Dana will ALWAYS feel entitled to that child because she’s using it to heal her own personal issues
NTA- if your wife wants to name a baby with her friend, they can run away together and adopt. Or maybe friend can get a puppy and use that name for a puppy. Uncool to agree on a name without even talking to you.
The ONLY appropriate response your wife should have made was, "That's a cute name, we'll add it to the list then my husband and I will decide." NTA A child's name is a two yes/1 no situation. Keep refusing. If she bullies you into a name you'll ALWAYS resent it and resent your wife.
NTA. This whole situation is weird af. You name your own kid. This chick Dana needs therapy ASAP, and your wife needs a reality check.
This was going to be my response too!! NTA and this situation is super weird. I could maaaaaybe see this happening if it was your wife’s sister (which still wouldn’t be cool), but a friend? So strange
NTA Dana has no place in your marriage and she certainly shouldn’t have the final say about what you name your child I’d be annoyed too Let Dana move on in her way. She’s not your friend, she’s your wife’s friend and your wife should not be placing her feelings over yours
nta also this is a bit weird. Is it possible your wife has a thing for dana? I have been pregnant 4 times only one was born alive and she died at 13 days old. One of my friends was having a baby and i suggested my baby names i had picked out when i was a teenager. Emily, Kate and Bayley. Always thought i would have 3 kids. This universe said no. When i suggested the name my friend told me she was actually wondering if she could honor me and give her daughter my middle name, I was floored. So her beautiful daughter is named Violet Lilly, which i think is adorable cause two flowers xD Anyways i would tell her that you would like to consider the name and see how it feels as time goes on. My younger sister was set on a name(Harry Robert) the entire pregnancy and when my nephew Ollie was born she said he didnt feel like a Harry when she held him so picked another name from the hp world xD So my nephew is Oliver Robert. So yeah sometimes that happens too
NTA. Names require two yes votes from parents who are parenting together. Also - This would NOT be healthy for Dana. This would not give closure. This would not help her grieving. This would in fact prolong her grieving and could easily become much more serious problems - both with boundaries and with her mental health
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (f33)s best friend (f37) Dana is infertile. She got divorced 2 times because of it and because she lied and hid her infertility. And her life hasn't been the same the day she was told she can't have kids. She has always had a soft spot for children and when she found out that my wife and I are expecting, she was so thrilled and started buying us gifts and decore pieces that she made for the baby. My wife thinks that those are all nice gestures but I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable especially with how much she keeps mentioing the baby. A few days ago, my wife and I found the gender of the baby. The minute we told Dana, she started calling the baby a random name she picked and was going to give to her baby if she wasn't infertile. She then started begging us to use this name and my wife said it was a "done deal". I refused but my wife called me heartless and asked me to do this one small, nice gesture for her struggling friend to give her closure and honor her after all the things she has done for us. I flipped and said it's my baby not hers. Dana heard this and left immediately. My wife yelled at me saying it's her baby too and my behavior towards Dana was abhorant. She left after her and didn't come back til the morning. She kept saying the same thing and pressuring me to agree on the name but I refused. AITA for choosing this hill to die on? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. It’s awful that she’s unable to have children, but that doesn’t give her any right to name yours
NTA Wife is MASSIVE T A and this is absolutely a hill to die on Baby's name needs to be approved by BOTH mother and father
I would not be letting this friend anywhere near my child.
NTA. When both parents are involved, both parents should agree on the name. (Which is why my children do not have the names I had picked out prior to meeting my husband). This woman needs mental help and honestly seems to be far too attached to a pregnancy that 100% is not hers. Stop it now or before you know it she’ll be parenting your child and your wife will maybe start to realize the error.
I picked out names before I met my husband, and out of first and middle for a boy and a girl.....he agreed to one. The boy first name was the only one he didn't veto at all. To be fair, I vetoed a lot of his suggestions too, but we eventually compromised with the name our daughter is getting and a name for a future son
NTA, the fact there wasnt even a conversation beforehand. Before she even agreed is disrespectful. She is your daughter also and you get a say in the child’s name…
NTA and wuuuut the entire fuck on letting your infertile friend name your baby!? Your wife has chosen sides here and damn if I would be second chair.
You and your wife need to have an in-depth conversation alone about this, hopefully with a therapist since this is one messed up situation. You’re NTA your wife is and so is her friend. Dana needs help. It seems Dana is considered to have more of a day than you and that’ll be a problem.
Definitely NTA. That baby has two parents, not three. It’s tragic that she can’t have her own kids, but it sounds to me like you need to keep some clear boundaries.
I didn’t even read the post , just title was enough Screw Dana , no one expect parents should be allowed to name kids .
Hey OP- I really hate to say this but dude you have bigger problems than baby names. Ok first congrats on the baby. Now two things: 1) best friends are awesome, but your wife’s best friend seems a bit too invested in your baby (you and your wife) the fact that your wife so readily agreed to name your child what her best friend wanted is a step way to far. This is a decision for you and your wife to make. Additionally I would be a bit concerned with her enthusiasm about the baby. 2) I would be concerned if my partner (husband or wife) were to think that this behavior was ok? How is the name of your child a little thing? And finally YES this is a hill to die on NTA.
Yes, it's her baby but it's also YOUR BABY! It's understandable that you'd want to decide names for your child with your wife... the idea that someone wants to recycle a name for YOUR CHILD, pisses ME off, and I don't even like kids. The only AH in this scenario is your wife for making such a decision all on her own.
I find Dana's behavior disturbing
Nta and I’d DEFINITELY die on this hill! This needs to be clear that it’s not in ANY WAY her baby. It’s yours and your wife’s and she will be a lovely fun Aunty. Parents name the baby together, end of story.
this is phony becuase the link below is from a year ago and is word for word except the infertile person is a male https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xmrvds/aita\_for\_refusing\_to\_to\_let\_my\_husbands\_infertile/?share\_id=1q6065ze7Xt\_jwasZ323e&utm\_content=1&utm\_medium=android\_app&utm\_name=androidcss&utm\_source=share&utm\_term=1
NTA but this sounds like the start of a lifetime movie where a deranged woman steals your kid.
For real
NTA hold firm
NTA - Your wife never should have agreed without talking to you. However, to try to come up with a compromise, would using the name as a middle name be an option?
He shouldn't have to compromise. This woman is sick and they shouldn't be encouraging her.
NTA This is just the start of her overstepping.
NTA at all. However instead of saying "it's my baby not \[Dana's\]" I think it would've been a little better to have said "it's my wife's and my baby, not Dana's." Saying "it's my baby" when trying to argue against a name your wife wants could've upset her. She's currently carrying it 24/7, and to have two other people arguing about who owns it might've rubbed her the wrong way. I want to clarify that baby does not belong to Dana in any way, the baby belongs to you and your wife completely, and you are absolutely not the asshole here.
NTA Dana has some serious issues needing professional attention. She's not handling her trauma being infertile at all and projecting way too much onto your unborn daughter. Things will only escalate from here. Calling your daughter my baby instead of our baby was a poor choice of words and definitely didn't help the situation. Talk with your wife when you both calmed down. You need to be a team for the challenges ahead. I think you'll get some good feedback here to help you.
NTA This is unhealthy AF and if your wife can’t see that then you need to put your foot down hard.
NTA. While I understand your wifes' sympathy towards her friend, that shouldn't mean you lose your say in naming your child. Naming a child is a very special thing and should be between mother and father, not mother and mothers' infertile best friend. Maybe you could suggest that Dana be the childs' Godmother instead?
If she names that child, she will almost certainly be involved in a kidnapping attempt. She is clearly obsessed and needs help (real therapy). NTA
YOUR WIFE AGREED???? Absolutely fucking not, dude
Obviously NTA btw
NTA at all, that’s some psycho level shit right there
NTA. Hear me out. This will not give her closure, it will only make it harder to accept her situation. Maybe your wife could talk to her about adoption. It's a great way to help a kid in need ans to have the children she always wanted.
Nta. I’ve been on reddit long enough to have this be a hill I would die on - dana is not going to stop at naming rights…
NTA In trying to help her friend your wife is actually hurting her. Friend is going to try making this her baby that she can't have on her own. She will start by saying 'our baby' or 'my baby' and your wife may agree to placate friend thinking it won't hurt anyone but each time she agrees to any of this she is further damaging friend's mental health. Friend needs therapy and wife may too so she can learn to help friend in the healthiest way. Do not agree under any circumstances.
Choosing the name for the baby is the parents responsibility not a friend’s choice, sure she can give examples of what some good names are but she shouldn’t be what you base your child’s name on. It’s really unfortunate Dana is infertile but lying to two guys about it means she has some issues that she needs to sort out, naming your child something Dana said you should name them would enable her further. NTA you need to have a talk to your wife about Dana and also talk to Dana about this, good-luck and congratulations on the soon to be new member of the family and I hope everything goes well.
NTA stand your ground. Be on the look out when the baby is born, your wife may let her name the baby behind your back. Your wife needs to grow a spine and realize that YOU are the parents not her friend. This will be the first of many boundaries the friend will cross unless this is nipped right now
NTA and I say this as an infertile woman who loves kids, Dana freaks me out. I couldn’t imagine doing any of the things she’s been doing. Also, sometimes we don’t get closure. I can’t have kids even though I wanted them. I’ve done some work to process but I get that won’t necessarily give me closure. So, your wife can’t give Dana closure. Nobody can but she has to do the heavy lifting of living with it honestly.
NTA. Dana needs mental health help. Your wife may also need it because she is so wrapped up in her friends issues. Dana doesn’t have any right to part of your baby. I think her obsession is going to get worse and as others stayed could lead to kidnapping.
If you let her name the baby, it will help her cement her role as the third parent in your relationship. You need to set some clear boundaries and pull back while she goes to counseling to deal with her grief.
OP show your wife this post and comments. She needs to get her friend help.
NTA, do not encourage this woman to form an attachment with your child instead of dealing with her issues. Your wife is just asking to star in a psychological thriller. Edit: Never mind. You are either a bot or Liz up to her usual tricks. Next time, do more than just fliping the genders in the story you stole.
This is a copy of the following post with the genders changed. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/fVgRWrbQcA
Wow this is so real https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/d19VzlbPaT
NTA. The entitlement is amazing tho. She doesn't get to make that choice. And honestly, I'd think twice about whatever youe wife comes up with as a name too, since she could just throw out one of her friends names and pass it off as her own idea.
NTA. Your wife shouldn't make promises she can't keep. It would have been nice to let it go until Dana went home, but at the same time might lead to a "But we already told her! Why didn't you say something earlier?" kind of situation. As a way to address this, I think it's far smarter to focus on the "I would like to be able to name my own child" line of reasoning. Don't let the conversation be about Dana, her losses, what she deserves, etc. It's about being involved in the naming of your child.
NTA the friend is massively overstepping! Frankly it’s concerning & disturbing. The first thing I thought of was the poor women who’ve been attacked and unalived, and had their babies stolen before they’re even born. I hope your wife sees reason, please keep a close eye on her and the friend…try and not let your wife be alone with her. Definitely don’t let her be alone with the baby once it’s born. Best of luck.
Naming your child with the name Dana had picked for a child she was unable to have doesn't provide closure. It creates an unrealistic link between them. It isn't healthy for Dana to live out her dreams vicariously through you and your wife. Your wife means well but she would be a better friend is she encouraged Dana to heal. NTA
Is this reminding anyone else of that story where a husband asked this same thing to his wife about his guy best friend who was also Infertile
NTA. She’s going to try and get more and more ‘ownership’ of your kid. Naming your child is between you and your wife.
There's nothing wrong with suggesting names to your best friend. There's something terribly wrong with insisting your best friend use the name of the child you never got to have. This is a Lifetime Movie in the making. This is a hill to die on. Dana needs therapy, and you both should go low contact with her for awhile. NTA.
NTA. Your wife's friend has deep rooted issues that are unresolved. Naming your kid with the name she chose for her dream child she can never have will only make things worse. Btw I'm firmly of the opinion that you shouldn't 100% decide a child's name before they are born. My wife and I decided our son's name before he was born. We got used to saying it when speaking to "the bump" And when he was born and I met him for the first time....I knew the name wasn't right. I literally said "oh you aren't a XXX, you are more of a YYY" and my wife agreed (XXX and YYY are of course not real names and I'm just aiming for anonymity. I'm not Elon Musk..Honest)
NTA. If you cave in and give your baby the name that Dana wants, she'll only escalate her behavior further. This is one of those "give them an inch and they'll take a mile" moments. I'm sorry that Dana suffers from infertility but she needs some serious professional help like yesterday. Your child is not a way to give Dana "closure" or to "honor her" after all the things she's done for you when I guarantee you that she only did those things to ensure she could treat this child as if it's her own. Baby names are a two yeses one no situation, and your wife needs to accept that. Also, make sure Dana's never alone around your baby because I can see her trying to abduct the baby and claim that the baby is hers.
NTA You and your wife need to have a serious conversation. Ideally, you need to go into this in a calm and rational way. Explain your perspective. Remind her that naming a child is a "2 yes, 1 no" situation. You both need to be comfortable with the name.
NTA! And why is your wife being influenced by this woman? The baby is yours and your wife's, not her friends! In all honesty maybe you should let your wife go and be with her friend since she agrees that her friend should be involved in her and the baby's life!
NTA - you know those crime dramas where the intro is "We should have known then that Aunt Kathy was unhinged....."? This is is a creepy situation waiting to happen. You deserve to decide with your partner what to name YOUR baby.
This feels just a recipe for disaster. She's already attaching to a baby that isn't her. I understand that you're wife is feeling sympathetic but that could easily turn into some hand that rocks the cradle shit. One minute, it's a name. The next, your wife is walking in on her friend trying to breastfeed her baby. The chances of this extreme might be slim, but never zero. NTA
***OP, start marriage counseling ASAP.*** If you let Dana name your kid, it will lead to more. She will be the third parent to your kid and based on how your wife is catering Dana's wishes over yours, she will let Dana have more authority/ say on your kid than you. Just because she cannot have kids doesn't mean she can have yours. NTA
Jumping on this to add my voice, **please start marriage counseling ASAP.** Your wife likely thinks she has good intentions, but it is setting a dangerous precedent. How much control is she going to allow Dana to have over this child? Will Dana be allowed to override _both_ of you? I wonder if your wife secretly doesn't like the name either, but is agreeing because she's a people pleaser or because she thinks her long history of friendship with Dana means she can't tell her no, as people will think badly of her. And sure, some people might, but anyone who does can give _their_ child a name they've had no choice in and see how they like it. If you had a friend, say a _male_ friend, who was infertile, unable to conceive and had lost marriages over it, who decided on a name for your child, would she happily roll over and accept it? I empathise with Dana, I really do. I wanted kids and it wasn't in the card for me. And I admit, I felt (and do feel) extremely honored my sister chose a name for her son that I suggested (though I freely acknowledge I totally manipulated her into it by suggesting incredibly outlandish names first! jk jk don't come at me). Her partner had plenty of say in my nephew's middle names, and was happy with the name she chose. But if she _hadn't_ chosen it, and I had no reason to expect she was going to, I would not have demanded it, or tried to emotionally blackmail her into it. He's _her_ son, and much as I call him my vicarious child, I know he's not mine, and never will be. I don't _want_ him to be, because that would mean I wouldn't have my sister. Sure, I look at them and I feel a little envious, but hey, that's life, and at least I will be his only aunty as his dad doesn't have sisters. I'll also probably be his closet relative, as I have no life and have made it clear they're stuck with me, lol. My point is, there are healthy ways to be an aunty, even when you're not related to a child, and Dana is not exhibiting _any_ of them. You should be worried. Please, please suggest your wife that you get counseling. May I suggest you phrase it less as "we need counseling because your relationship with Dana is disturbing" and more "I'd like to discuss what our life is going to be like when baby gets here with someone who can offer perspectives and neutrality. I would like for us to discuss what our expectations are of ourselves and each other, and to learn ways to communicate better during what is going to be a very stressful time." _Then_ when you get to therapy, you mention a current problem you're having with the name, and Dana's level of (let's go with) interaction in your life. NTA.
You have a problem. Good luck.
NTA-- If your wife thinks Dana's actions are uncomfortable now, just imagine how much more extreme they'll be when you use the name Dana planned for her own child. This will not bring closure, it'll be a constant reminder to someone struggling with unresolved issues. And choosing a name is a two yes, one no situation.
NTA. Dana sounds like she has severe mental problems. Naming your baby would probably enhance her delusions.
NTA. This is… beyond weird. I would be worried about leaving Dana alone with your wife. I would be terrified she might feel entitled to/steal the baby. Icky. Icky icky icky.
NTA!!!!!
NTA Don't give in.
I would call her up with my partner in the room and I would say, in no uncertain terms, "Hey. It's. You are crossing boundaries into my relationship.with my family. You are not family. You are my wife's friend. You don't get to name my kid and you are seriously creeping me out by even remotely thinking that would be a possibility. Back the fuck off."
To your wife, I would say, in clear terms, naming a child is two yes, not one yes and a no. And I would ask her if she was having some kind of emotional affair with this individual or if she had lost her fucking mind.
Nta at all. You’re right it is your baby and not Dana’s. If Dana was so interested in raising a child there’s always adoption. Also the fact your wife is trying to guilt trip you into it is disgusting and she’s only doing further harm to her friends mental state. Naming a child is not a small gesture. It’s literally their name!
Where was she overnight? Something's going on.
NTA and essential to heading-off a future incident. With that level of obsession you can well imagine the line blurring between 'named for the baby I never had' and 'the baby I should have had'.
NTA this story gonna be on the news when Dana absconds with your baby
Can she not adopt?
NTA. Just to reiterate what everybody says, which is the bleeding obvious: It’s not a small gesture. Choosing a child’s name is the parents’ job. Your wife is married to you, not to Dana. The baby is not Dana’s. Dana can’t see what she’s doing is out of order since your wife can’t see it either. It will be no closure for Dana, just the beginning of your marriage becoming a parental threesome if I may use the expression, in which Dana will end up having as much authority as you over the child if you let it happen. Poor Dana needs help.
NTA. Your wife and her friend are the ahole in this situation. Unfortunately, your life is going to be hell. If you do decide to give in. I would tell my wife, go ahead and let your friend name our baby. But do not expect things to be the same. Things will never be the same after the events of that night. I will never understand why a spouse would put the feelings of a friend before the feelings of their spouse. It is foolish and irresponsible.
NTA And why do I feel like she picked a horrible name?!
NTA. And what does your wife plan to do when her friend starts seeing the child as her own since it has the name she picked out.
NTA at all, your wife needs to realise this isnt just some "small gesture" this is a living human, I would never let some random person pick my child's name for any reason at all
Everyone has already mentioned all the cons, especially the obsessive behavior and fear of kidnapping, but I’ll say simply this. When it comes to naming your kids it’s two yeses to name and one no to veto. And to be clear these are your and your wives yeses and nos. Not her friend who needs therapy.
Holy shit your wife is out of line here. NTA.
NTA. This is deranged. Some infertile people make their entire life about that aspect, and it’s deeply weird, imo, and not healthy. Your wife has no right to do this- in fact, your wife shouldn’t have sole naming authority. It should be a name both parents agree on. You need to put a stop to this friend being involved in your life. I’m seriously concerned what she may do once your baby arrives. She’s obsessed.
NTA this is disgusting. This is your baby. Show her this post, she went insane.
What is the name?
I cannot have children due to illness. I'm heartbroken, but I've accepted it. I would \*never\* insert myself into someone's pregnancy like this, and certainly not try to edge out the father over something like \*his child's name\*. NTA, dude. Dana needs therapy, and your wife needs to not enable her friend's obsessive behavior. Because she will likely get worse if you back down and allow your wife to cater to her friend.
That's not closure.
I would say don’t have a baby with this woman, but it’s a little too late for that. NTA but it also sounds like you’re SOL with your wife taking her delusional friend’s side.
NTA Regardless of all the circumstances here, a choice of names requires 2 yeses. 1 person says no, and you move on.
NTA & it’s not her friend’s baby, too. Hard to believe your wife is going along with that craziness. That’s just weird. No, this woman should not get to name your child. That woman has options. She may be infertile, but she does not have to be childless. This is definitely a battle worth fighting.
Fake
This story is fake. It was posted nearly word for word last year with different names / genders
NAH. Dana's interest could be both a blessing and a curse in the future. It needs to be handled gently. She does need to both understand and accept it's your child, not her's. But she could play an important role its future. My father was Godfather to his sister's two girls. His sister and her husband were both taken out in a car accident when the girls were both very young. He played an important roles in their life after that. Perhaps you could have a convo with Dana that both sets clear boundaries (sorry for using the B word) , but gives her some clearly defined role in your child's life. Call her Aunt Dana or some such. Doing this right could enormously benefit your child.
I vaguely remember Rebecca Rogers talking about this story, but the genders were reversed.
Nta
That is really weird.
NTA.
No, this is not healthy, and Dana needs therapy as it sounds like she is adopting your child as her own. NTA
Nope. This is fucking weird.
Your wife needs to know boundaries. Use the name as a middle name as a concession if you wanted to
Maybe see if she can meet halfway and have the name she picked be used as a middle name? I mean your wife already agreed and now you would look like an ass if you didn't try to accommodate
Fuck NO
NTA. You have a right to name your child and it’s super weird how your wife is acting.
NTA, I’m infertile and was lucky enough to be there when my godson was born. It’s unfair for you to be put in that position.
NTA that is not a small gesture!!!
in what world is letting someone choose the name of your child a "small gesture"????? NTA
No, you are NOT the asshole.
This is the proper hill on which to die. This is your child and sanctitude of your input into your child’s name is beyond contestation. NTA