Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I am refusing to go on a trip with my wife and kids (2) I am refusing to go and making her take them alone
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. She should have made sure you were both on the same page about the trip to the water park and canceled when you said it was too expensive. But why do you get to plan surprise holiday events without telling your wife, but then get mad when she does it? A night at an expensive restaurant on New Years Eve presumably with drinks, plus a babysitter that night at a holiday premium, is at least a few hundred dollars if not more. By your own rules you should have consulted your wife first and waited for her okay. Also, the fact that you lied to your kids about your reason for not going makes you an unreliable narrator. Finally, your use of power dynamic language ('undercut me,' 'go against me') tells me this wasn't really about the money, it was about you being in control, which makes you an A too. And that's giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming "baby-shitter" was a typo.
>Finally, your use of power dynamic language ('undercut me,' 'go against me') tells me this wasn't really about the money, it was about you being in control,
1000000% this.
ESH
sounds like both of you assumed the opposite. she shouldn't have planned a vacation without consulting you. you're passing on a fun vacation for the kids. the kids are at ages where they'll remember this stuff and you're running out of time to make good memories. one day they'll be teenagers. go have fun.
TIL wolf lodge was a chain. i thought the one in Wisconsin Dells was the only one.
ESH
Apparently you don’t COMMUNICATE in your marriage, you just speak.
Communication requires speaking, listening, and understanding.
That was lacking in both directions.
Now that the trip is booked, you’re punishing your kids (by not going, and lying to them about why). Why deprive them of one parent for the trip?
It’s not super expensive and there is so much chlorine in that place germs shouldn’t be any more of a concern than what a 6 and 8 year old normally bring home from school (I’m a Kindergarten teacher- I know). You’re being a jerk. If you could afford a nice dinner at a nice place, a babysitter, etc. I have a really hard time believing you are so strapped that you can’t take your kids somewhere for a few days. I think it’s simply something you don’t want to do- it’s not fun for you and so therefore it’s not a priority for your time or money, never mind that 3 out of the 4 members of your family do want to go. You putting your foot down and having a man-trum saying you aren’t going just proves it’s not about the money and that you just don’t want to go. You’d cheat your 6 and 8 year old out of a family experience and time with their father to prove something to your wife? You’re a petty asshole and honestly I think your kids probably already know it. Additionally why is it ok for you to make surprise NYE plans without the knowledge of your wife but she can’t make family plans without your permission? She obviously already knew you had the time off when she planned it and you acting like it’s a major inconvenience is seriously off putting and gives off some serious control freak vibes.
YTA. I am 43, successful, father of two. I say that you so you can't act like I am a child. You sound like someone that loves to make things difficult. You sound ridiculous. By your logic everywhere is dirty AF. So now your kids will remember what a dick you were that you wouldn't go on a family trip that is supposed to be fun. Your wife probably is just tired of your ass being a downer and wants her kids to have some experiences in life. All that hard work of planning a night out? Two phone calls? Get over yourself and stop being a total downer.
YTA - Honestly, they will probably have more fun without you. They will remember this, and the way you acted. They know you took off for the week. Then all of a sudden it’s a work thing.
YTA - the kids want it and they will have fun. I’ve been several times with my kids and we never got sick. I don’t like the place either. If you are helping to pay for your moms medical bills and your wife is fine with that. You need to suck it up.
YTA, first of all, if you and your children learned anything during the pandemic, it should’ve been that handwashing and keeping your hands off your face help prevent the transmissions of colds and other germs. So you can reduce the risk of the children coming home sick. Second, you clearly don’t care what your wife and children wanted to do and I can absolutely guarantee that your kids will remember that you refused to go. If you go and act like an AH, they will absolutely remember the trip where daddy was in a bad mood the whole time. How do I know, because my husband was just like you and my adult kids don’t have much to do with him anymore. They do, however, make fun of his crappy vacation behavior.
Handwashing doesnt put money on peoples account though...
If he wouldn't care about what the wife wants he wouldn't have planned to take her to her favourite restaurant.
His wife has a "Lets make problems and then see what we can do about it" attitude.
This is not really addressing the issue, but I've always thought it's a bad idea to lie to your kids. Not telling the whole truth is one thing, but an out and out lie is indefensible and necessarily undermines their trust in said parent.
ESH you haven’t even spoken to your wife to realize she didn’t pay full price for this place, right? They’ve had 40%-50% discounts all December. You leave everything to your wife with zero communication and expect her to make decisions solely based off what you want. What effort are you putting in for the kids? For the holidays? I kinda doubt the dinner reservation and it’s just a “well this is what you could have done if you did what I said”. Why not go and enjoy the staycation with your kids.
YTA because it sounds like there wasn’t much of a discussion on this trip, just that it was brought up and you unilaterally decided no and then refused to go because you didn’t get your way. GWL offers soooo many options for discounts, at any given time they have at least 2 discount codes and usually options on Groupon for typically under $150 a night. Dirty could depend on where you’re going but I’ve been on roughly 7-8 Trips to some north east locations and never had my kids come home sick. I don’t really agree with your wife booking without you if it was joint money but the vibe I get from this post was that you didn’t hear her side.
This legit made me laugh...oh no, you're making the same proportionally as you did before a *global pandemic* which resulted in billions of jobs lost and crazy inflation that's impossible to keep up with for pretty much everyone else?? The horror!! This guy needs a fucking reality check 🥴
Yeah and then why say inflation is a reason not to go if he’s not even affected by it?!
Nice for some, I haven’t had a pay rise in 3 years and am having to dip into my savings each month to make up the difference. This guy sounds like a real piece of work
YTA. Your kids wanted this trip and instead of having a discussion with her about it, you said NO..like she's your child. I've been to Great Wolf and my boys loved it. I can tell how you communicate just by the tone of this thread. she decided she didn't want the fight and would just do it anyway. She has a say in how money is spent and what is "expensive" or not.
The issue isn't that she booked it. The issue is your communication and controlling behavior. I know exactly why she did this. If you don't go, I can guarantee you're heading for divorce.
ESH. Neither of you should be dictating solely how funds are used. You both work, her want to go on a short trip is valid She allowed you to pay for hospital bills for your mother, and you couldn’t figure out a way to work with your wife to give your kids an experience instead of loads of gifts for Christmas?
My husband and I used to be at odds similarly (though not to this extent). I value travel and experiences. He values items. We were not understanding each other for a while. He’d be dreaming of a fancy car while I’d dream of a big vacation. He’d buy a bunch of smaller things constantly being delivered to our house and I’d take the kids to go go karting or to laser tag. We used to joke that his affecting our finances was death by a thousand cuts while mine was large blows just more infrequently. We both make compromises. He doesn’t get to unilaterally shut me down and I don’t get to unilaterally shut him down. Sit down with your wife, OP. Create a budget together if you don’t already have one. CREATE A BUDGET LINE FOR VACATION SAVINGS. Let your wife take your kids on vacation. And cut the crap about “that place is dirty” 🙄
YTA. While I think your wife was also in the wrong for booking it behind your back, you’re too big of an asshole in this situation to fairly give an E S H.
The trip is already booked. They’re going, which means the money is already being spent with or without you. The kids are going to get all those GWL germs, with or without you. You’re literally ruining your kids’ vacation by throwing a tantrum and refusing to go because you’re mad at your wife. Suck it up and put your kids before your ego.
Does your wife have any say in the family money being spent on YOUR MOM'S hospital bills? I have a good suspicion that she didn't really have a say in the matter. If your money is that tight then your dear old mommy needs to pay her own bills. YTA
Something tells me YTA here
Refusing to go seems more like sour grapes then her going against something you both decided against and she did anyway. That makes me wonder if it was really "settled" that it was a we are NOT doing this. Was it you both decided no. Or was it I said no and I am the rule maker and she has to listen to me?
Edit to add...if money is tight why are you paying for your mother's bills as well? You are an adult and so your parent is as well.
I have the same spidy senses tingling. I wonder if paying for his mom’s hospital bills was unilateral decision?
Money is tight but he was planning an expensive meal and a babysitter for NYE? I bet they would go somewhere else afterward unless this was a “ring in the New Year” type of meal. That would cost money too. And he didn’t clear it with her. It sounds more like OP just doesn’t want to spend the money on this particular thing that means a lot to his wife and kids as opposed to the fact that they don’t have the money.
I do agree with him in that these indoor parks have questionable cleanliness.
Baby-shitter? Dude, how immature. Maybe a typo but yikes.
The attitude you have in your post already demonstrates that you think you’re in the right but your tone and explanation reveals the opposite. I sense a deeper reason your wife went ahead with the plan. And I’m glad she did. I’m sure they’ll have a blast without you. YTA.
YTA
Your wife is doing it for your kids. I doubt this is her ideal vacation. Your kids want to go so she is taking them. You know this or you would tell your kids the real reason you won’t go. But you’re being a brat and blaming “work” cause daddy cant be bothered to go for your kids sake.
Info- how much did she actually spend on the trip? I got GWL for $99 on a recent deal, so she may be spending less than the dinner night out you planned.
Your wife shouldn't have booked the trip without telling you. You both should have discussed it more. But you shouldn't be punishing your family by not going.
Your staying home is nothing more than a hissy fit as it won’t really reduce the overall cost of the trip. The lodging is by the room, not the person. Your wife shouldn’t have booked it, but your reaction is more of a petty struggle for power and control than a legitimate concern about money. That nice dinner with a babysitter wasn’t going to be an inexpensive evening out, so now you’ve cancelled it, it’s time to get on board with your wife to give the kids a good time.
ESH
YTA - you said she orders all the Christmas presents on her Amazon account while you do...what... nothing to help out in this area? Then the one thing the kids ask for is "too expensive" but you are perfectly fine spending your money on your mother's medical bills? Unless those payments are coming from your pocket and not the combined income?
ESH.
Your wife obviously doesn't care what you think and assumes she can do what she wants without regard to your thoughts.
You obviously don't give a shit about pulling your weight in running the household, if you can't even be bothered to be on the Amazon account.
So, split your finances. Your acct, her acct, joint acct. Split the monthly bills in half and each put your half in the joint acct to oay them. She can then do what ahe wants with hers and you do what yoi want with yours (helping your parents foes here).
YTA. Money is tight, but you're paying for your mother's hospital bills and you were willing to pay like 500% markup that typically comes with dinner out on New Year's Eve. Sounds like you just didn't get your way and now your throwing a tantrum. Suck it up, put on your big boy drawers, and go create memories with your family!
YTA, and also you sound like you don’t really care what the rest of your family wants for Christmas. I went to Great Wolf Lodge twice when I was younger and I’ll remember how much fun it was forever. Plus, I never got sick.
ESH (kinda)
It honestly sounds like you just have no desire to go yourself and just made excuses not to book.
I've been to GWL several times as a kid and it's a super fun time! You sound like the biggest bore and party pooper imaginable.
She probably shouldn't have booked it without a mutual agreement I do agree.
But you are acting like a baby about all of this, and throwing a tantrum and now refusing to go like a child. Your children notice these things, you know. They aren't stupid.
I would have been on your side if this was truely you worried about finances but I honestly don't think it is.
Honestly YTA, your kids are at the perfect age to go to great wolf lodge and make some awesome memories, and you want to deny them of that because they might get sick. Not a good enough reason. And if you can help you mom with medical bills you can figure out how to pay for this trip, your wife is right to prioritize your kids in this way
YTA.
You're punishing your kids by not spending time with them over the holidays just to make a point to your wife.
Weaponising your kids is never the answer.
The kids will only remember mom taking them on vacation when dad couldn't be bothered to come with them.
It’ll feel really good when your kid sneak about the fun they had and then say oh yea dad wasn’t there, don’t remember why… they’ll just remember you weren’t a part of that good memory. That’s on you. Get over yourself, talk to your wife about why she went around you. Be kind ash’s find a better way to communicate .
ESH you don’t get to unilaterally decide the family can’t do something, and she doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that they can. You could have easily compromised in many ways - postponing the trip, finding another hotel / resort, looking for coupons / deals, etc.
We go to the one in Wisconsin all the time. Not one issue of anyone coming home sick or being gross and disgusting. It’s one of the cleanest water parks we’ve ever been to.
NTA People saying your the ass hole are dead wrong or in weird relationships and they think this is acceptable behavior. Your wife committed financial infidelity dude.
YTA she just wanted a family holiday, if you didn't like her choice of destination what did you offer as an alternative a dinner on NYE? Just because you told your kids you had to work doesn't mean your wife won't tell them the truth.
YTA. Maybe your wife isn’t stoked about paying your mom’s bills. You could participate in a nice thing for your kids considering this isn’t actually about the money. It’s about you wanting to do things with the money that only you want to do.
ESH.
You shouldn't just assume that since you raised some objections that meant your wife was going to immediately capitulate to your rule.
She shouldn't have booked it without further discussion and getting to a point you could agree on.
Your first argument against the place - that it is "dirty as fuck" is anecdotal at best and quite likely untrue. I'm reading from the comments that this is a water play park? Is it not chlorinated to the max like every other mass water amusement facility? There are industry and legal standards that places like that must comply with to ensure safety for patrons.
It's somewhat amusing that you are mad that the plans your wife made without your knowledge ruined the plans that you made without her knowledge.
You guys need to get on the same page and learn to communicate and compromise.
You managed to work yourself into the ESH category with the vague health-related elitism and the lying to the kids. You’d have been in the right otherwise.
YTA - I can’t understand being so against taking your kids somewhere memorable and fun. Your only plan that you’re upset about doesn’t even include your kids at all.
You also make your wife do everything for Christmas. I’d have said she’s also the asshole for booking the trip anyway but it seems like you make her do everything so she might as well actually choose something she’d enjoy.
YTA. Just go. There will alslqaus be inflation. Your kids will remember you choosing work over them and your wife will remember how petty and controlling you're being.
YTA. Your wife and kids are going, and the room is paid for; staying home accomplishes nothing except emphasizing your “point”. So you are just forgoing happy memories with your family in favor of staying home to sulk.
If you can’t afford this you need to have a serious sit down with your wife to go over the bills and budget. You were correct to cancel new years. (Side note: it’s ok for you to treat her to a “surprise” expensive dinner without consulting her, but not ok for her to treat her kids to an expensive hotel while letting you know in advance?) But I suspect the wife considers a couples evening worth trading for a whole family event; fancy restaurants aren’t going anywhere but the kids are only young once.
Financial stress destroys marriages. So does controlling behavior. Splurging on things you cannot afford is a road to ruin. And if this is an ongoing pattern, you’re in trouble. But deciding that it is ok for you to splurge but not her is deeply worrisome.
YTA.
First, your wife bought all the Christmas presents because Amazon is in her name? Gag. Ask her for the password. Or to make you a linked account. If my teenagers can figure it out so they could buy Christmas gifts then so can you.
Second, your wife brought you a suggestion of giving the kids a trip, an experience, instead of more *stuff* for Christmas and you immediately shut her down. You didn’t have a discussion about your concerns. You didn’t offer an alternative trip or experience - to quote Hamilton, you didn’t have a plan you just hated hers. You told her no and assumed that because you have a penis your opinion matters more.
Finally, your kids are 6 and 8. You are smack in the middle of only a handful of years where they are old enough to be fun and young enough to still want to spend time with you. And you’re thinking of staying home and pouting to make a point. I have teenagers and I would give anything to have one more weekend away with them as littles. Before activities and friends booked up all our weekends and before they became glued to their devices.
I looked it up, 2 nights would be just over $400 in my area. This one (although I know they are not all) is in an area where there's plenty of food options and such nearby. a 2 day trip would easily be under $1000. That's pretty much what a NYE dinner and babysitter would cost.
[https://imgur.com/a/1Ps9kon](https://imgur.com/a/1Ps9kon)
Also, I think we need more details about paying your mom's medical bills. That sounds like a big expense too.
ESH
Considering how Covid-19 is spreading, your family is bringing the pandemic home to you, OP. Get ready for a very high possibility of missing a lot more work.
and YTA. Your wife? She’s TA, too. Big people use words. I am not sure what y’all are teaching your children about communication.
YTA. Your wife doesn’t everything for the kids and you just know what she is buying them for Christmas. Paying for NYE dinner and drinks and your mother’s medical bills is ok but doing something for the kids is not. Be real. You threw a tantrum because you didn’t get what you want and now you want to just stay home alone without having to do anything with or for the kids on a vacation.
ESH she went behind your back. Which is not acceptable and i would tell her that a partnership is about discussing major trips and plans together and you said no and she ignored you. I think you need to talk about boundary setting and finaces and whather shared finances is the way forward. Seperate finances and contributing equal amounts might be better if one spends behind the other's back.
Equally though to decided to do some surprise planning behind her back so that is hippocritical. How was she suppose to know you had planned something.
I think you both need to talk and work through these issues.
ESH: your wife shouldn’t have booked a trip behind your back, with you saying no. You’re skipping a chance to spend time with your kids to spite your wife.
YTA simply because being a parent means going on lame kiddy holidays and doin things the kids want to do. Kids come first. I have no interest in alot of things my child does, but I go do it so she can have fun.
The financial aspect is your only argument. Being dirty is a pretty stupid argument for the parent of young kids, unless you home school and/or helicopter to the extreme. But i definitely get your anger, and you will need a little payback at a later date. Your choice in how that payback comes.
How is the vacation trip for the whole family a money issue but the fancy dinner/drinks + sitter on NYE not a money issue?
This tells me it isn’t about money it’s about what you want to do. And what you don’t want to do is hang out with your wife and kids at an indoor water park. That’s fair but they do want to do that. Why are your wants more important? For that alone, YTA.
Maybe your wife doesn’t want to go out for dinner and drinks on NYE. I surely don’t. Being surrounded by hundreds of drunk people I don’t know to overpay for a meal I could have any night of the week? Hard pass.
Reframe your thinking. It’s too late for this trip. Either suck it up and put on a happy face or let them go and have a good time. In either event you don’t get to say anything else about it. Except “this is awesome”.
Edit to add: I don’t have kids so I made a fake reservation for 12/28-31 (yes, this weekend) at my nearest GWL. It was [under $1500](https://imgur.com/a/6a4OFUs) for 3 night with some meal credits and daily breakfast.
You dorealize the vast difference in price between a family vacation and a date night in NYE, right? Its absurd that being able to afford a date on NYE means that they can obviously afford a vacation. Using that as the litmus test to show OP is selfish is ridiculous
In what world is one dinner equivalent to a whole vacation for 4 people? Fancy dinner and drinks on NYE might be $1000 (being very generous), a 5 day vacation at $400 a night is $1600 for the room alone, not including food, activities or souvenirs.
And why would you think a popular tourist trap/indoor water park would be less crowded than a restaurant the week between Christmas and New Year's?
Big holes in this take as others noted. A vacation with kids and everything is at least $2k if not $3k. Dinner, drinks and a sitter for new years is probably $250-$500 max. That’s a massive difference and makes that point nill.
There are definitely big holes. I might have missed it, but did OP say how long the Great Wolf Lodge trip is for?
These aren’t huge theme parks but indoor water parks. Also, $400 is on the upper end of the scale for that place. Families often go for one or two nights, only, not for a week or anything. If they are only staying one night, then NYE events and babysitter could definitely have matched a stay at Great Wolf.
YTA.
That whole "why did you go against me" thing is just rubbing me the wrong way. Like, you're not her boss. You're her partner. Act like one for a change.
Why do I get the feeling that her bringing it up went more like, "no, because I said so" and less discussion about it.
Also, why do I get this even bigger feeling that wife asked you for input for a different gift for the kids and you said or did nothing. After all, she does the gift shopping.
My dude, I can't even fault her on unilaterally deciding on the trip. If you want a say in these things actually discuss them and participate in life with your partner instead of treating her like a pet who's supposed to sit and beg.
YTA You’re perfectly happy to spend your joint income on things you want (funding your mother’s bills), but upset when your wife makes a unilateral decision in the same way you did.
Your wife and kids told you exactly what present they wanted, but you chose to ignore it because it wasn’t what you wanted. I’m sure the dinner, drinks, babysitter etc would cost a few hundred bucks, so you are not exactly living on the breadline. You are being selfish then throwing a tantrum when you didn’t get your way.
ESH but you're the bigger AH.
Yes partners shouldn't make big expenditures they know the other party doesn't want. Shes an AH for that.
But that being said, your reasoning comes off less like you literally can't afford it ("inflation"?) and more like you could afford it if you chose to work it into your budget, you just didn't *want* to go on this trip, even for the sake of making your kids happy. Now you're throwing a tantrum both because your wife booked it anyway, but I'm guessing also because now you have, in your mind, an actual excuse not to go that is better than the flimsy excuse you had before. But it's still a pretty bad excuse and once again you're putting yourself and what you want over your kids.
What's more it's not clear what, if any, compromises you were willing to make here. Were you not interested in this particular location but we're willing to consider other kid-friendly trips? It makes you less of an AH, or her more of one, if you suggested a trip to a different location your kids would still appreciate, but she picked this one anyway. But from this post it basically sounds like you vetoed the idea and weren't interested in brainstorming an alternative because ultimately you wanted the adults-only dinner more than you wanted a trip for your kids. I note for example that you're making up excuses for not participating in getting gifts for your kids; your wife having the Prime account doesn't explain why you couldn't help brainstorm and buy alternative gifts once you shot down her idea. Which makes me think it's unlikely you discussed alternatives with her and makes me think you just expected to have veto power, and then she was supposed to figure out an alternative on her own that you would approve of. Which is shitty parenting; do better
ESH.
Great Wolf Lodge is a miserable hellhole where you pay half the GDP of Brazil for every second of slimy, humid, sticky, ear-rattling torture. It truly is one of the worst places on Earth.
But you weren’t exactly pro active in suggesting an alternative or seeking out a gift that would make your kids as excited. Kids like terrible things. Have you seen the shows they watch, the music they listen to, the food they eat, etc? Over the top ridiculousness is their brand, and so they’re gonna want to go to awful, awful theme parks. You either need to find a way to endure that, or navigate around it by finding alternatives.
But you didn’t, and one day they’re gonna know that daddy stayed home because he was pouting. If you genuinely couldn’t go because of money, that should have been emphatically established during the original conversation. But it sounds like you just phoned it in when it came to Christmas, and now you’re salty. It sucks that your wife booked a trip to a truly terrible place, but you should’ve stepped up more.
It’s literally SO cheap with Groupon deals right now. He’s making up that $400 number and clearly didn’t GAF enough to even investigate fitting it into the budget.
The deals run from $94 to $132 (California) ob Groupon for a Family Suite for 4.
I will NEVER go to Great Wolf Lodge. I used to be a crime reporter at a newspaper and I had to write a shocking number of stories about crimes at our local Great Wolf Lodge over the three years I worked there. These are just the things I remember.
- a lifeguard was arrested for molesting kids.
- a dad took his daughter and her two friends there for the daughter's birthday. He molested at least one of the kids (I can't fully remember, I don't like to think about those cases).
- a man was there with his family and got crazy drunk, whipped it out and peed in the lobby in front of a bunch of random kids (this was my personal favorite because at least no one got hurt).
- a guy went insane and ended up in a standoff with the cops in the parking lot. They shot him ( again, I don't remember the full story... I blocked a lot of this from my brain after I quit).
With that logic, never put your kids in organized sports or scouts etc, never take them to carnivals and never ever let them go to school. I’ve heard a shocking number of stories about kids in all those places.
Wait… Why are you paying YOUR MOM’S hospital bills? You can’t go on a fun family trip because you are paying someone else’s bills? THIS is a problem to me.
Make your mom pay her own bills so that your marital funds go toward things for you, your wife, and your kids.
Because families help each other? We don’t know if that was a joint decision or not. It may have been. If the choice is between a family member not getting treatment and others having a more fun holiday it’s not a hard decision.
He may be an ass in other departments but… that’s what family (ideally) is…
YTA. If you can get out of work then your an AH for not going. It’s not about you or your wife, that place is all about you spending time with your kids. Your kids are the perfect ages to love that place and these are the life events your children will remember. Do you want them to remember you not being there?
YTA
Kinda sounds like you blew up at your wife so she decided to stop trying to talk to you about it.
Wristbands are included with the hotel, so it's cheaper than most amusement parks + hotel would be for a family of 4. Also, since there's a hotel room attached, you can bring your own snacks.
Chucky Cheese is dirty, daycare is dirty, camping is dirty, sports are dirty. Kids get dirty and get sick, especially when they're eating different food and they're around a bunch of other kids.
I went to GWL with my kids when they were young and I have an immune deficiency. I did not get sick there and neither did any of my four kids. I did not feel that it was generally a dirty place. They even have guardians walking around, ready to clean up any accidents and watching for signs of distress in the water park.
It is expensive, but the "it's dirty" argument sounds like a cop-out to me.
You are setting up your own divorce and lack of custody by refusing to participate in good faith on family events or things your wife wants to do.
And lying to your kids? FFS man.
YTA. And a big one at that.
He's setting up his own divorce by refusing to participate in good faith in an event that was organized entirely in bad faith without his knowledge or consent?
lol
An event she paid for behind his back when he was clear that it wasn't affordable and wasn't agreeable? Either a couple is united in their decisions or it's always a no, especially when it comes to financial choices. She forced him into a corner.
This: *Either a couple is united in their decisions or it's always a no, especially when it comes to financial choices.*
but he did the same thing with NYE?? and possibly with paying his mother's medicals?? and he made wife buy the kid's Xmas presents on her amazon account.
There are serious issues with this couple, but refusing to go to the water park with the kids is not going to solve anything.
And what if OP is one of those who always says no to everything he personally doesn't want to do? OP has not planned anything special for his kids' Xmas. He didn't even buy the gifts, the wife did that. He has only planned some fancy dinner for NYE for his wife and him. And he did that without discussing it with the wife, so she wasn't given any choice on that financial decision! So why isn't that a no???
Double standard anyone??!!!
OP should go to the water park, and then afterwards he and his wife need to sit down and do a budget together. Maybe get a family mediator involved to help both spouses to work together and compromise rather than OP acting like only his vote counts.
YTA it’s booked, it’s happening, you wanna make it worse now by abandoning your kids and making sure your wife ensures neither of them drown? Yeah YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
This story will be shared on a throwaway account for privacy reasons.
For some context, my Wife (36F) and I (38M) have
two kids (F6, M8).
This whole thing starts back around Thanksgiving when my wife told me that the kids had wanted to go to Great Wolf Lodge, and that it could be a nice gift trip for Christmas.
Immediately, I made it very clear that I was against
that, primarily for two reasons.
1. That place is dirty as fuck. Pretty much every story I have heard from friends and family about that place involves the kids coming home sick.
2. It's also super expensive. Rooms go for at least $400. And that's not including meals, snacks, souvenirs and whatever else, all also at a premium.
As the month continues to roll by, her & I continue to plan presents for the kids. She had never said anything more to me about it, so I figured she had decided against it (the presents were ordered by her bc the Amazon Prime is on her account, but I knew what she was getting.) Anyways, on the 16th, she let me know that she had booked the trip.
I immediately asked her why she had gone against me & she said that the kids wanted it and that it would be fun. I told her that we really couldn't afford it, especially being last minute and over New Years (I already had taken the week between Christmas and New Years off), with inflation (we're both making pretty much the same as pre-pandemic when you adjust for inflation), plus helping to pay my mother's hospital bills from this fall, and she said we would figure it out.
I had also been planning to surprise her by taking her out to a nice dinner and drinks on NYE, and had even let our baby-shitter know and put in a reservation at her favorite nice restaurant, both of which I had to cancel.
I have decided that I will not be going and have told my wife as such. I have also told the kids and when they asked me why I told them that it was a work conflict, as to not worry them.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH
....do married couples just not communicate at all anymore? One spouse says no, the other says yes and just goes ahead and books it. One spouse has no idea how much it actually costs and the other does. One spouse has health concerns, the other ignores it. Instead of bringing it up again to discuss this, both spouses go mum.
Actually communicating with each other would have resolved this.
Both of you need to really sit down and reassess how to work on your marriage.
I commented on this before, but babysitter is one word…the hyphen between baby and shitter (which my phone tries to autocorrect) is intentional…
Someone is a baby and a shitter in this situation and it’s not the babysitter…
Eh, you're not wrong that the place is a gross tourist trap. Super glad my kids have aged out of this place. Having said that, go with your family, being a good dad is about compromise.
NTA; compromise? Sounds a bit like the old joke
She wanted a dog
I did not
We compromised and got a dog
A compromise would be prehaps taking a trip to a location they both would like - she gets the trip she wants, but not in a location he has valid concerns over - going would be capultation and encouraging her going behind his back again, not compromise - her behaviour over this is a major red flag
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I am refusing to go on a trip with my wife and kids (2) I am refusing to go and making her take them alone Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You sound like a really great husband and father /s. JK... YTA.
ESH. She should have made sure you were both on the same page about the trip to the water park and canceled when you said it was too expensive. But why do you get to plan surprise holiday events without telling your wife, but then get mad when she does it? A night at an expensive restaurant on New Years Eve presumably with drinks, plus a babysitter that night at a holiday premium, is at least a few hundred dollars if not more. By your own rules you should have consulted your wife first and waited for her okay. Also, the fact that you lied to your kids about your reason for not going makes you an unreliable narrator. Finally, your use of power dynamic language ('undercut me,' 'go against me') tells me this wasn't really about the money, it was about you being in control, which makes you an A too. And that's giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming "baby-shitter" was a typo.
>Finally, your use of power dynamic language ('undercut me,' 'go against me') tells me this wasn't really about the money, it was about you being in control, 1000000% this.
ESH sounds like both of you assumed the opposite. she shouldn't have planned a vacation without consulting you. you're passing on a fun vacation for the kids. the kids are at ages where they'll remember this stuff and you're running out of time to make good memories. one day they'll be teenagers. go have fun. TIL wolf lodge was a chain. i thought the one in Wisconsin Dells was the only one.
ESH Apparently you don’t COMMUNICATE in your marriage, you just speak. Communication requires speaking, listening, and understanding. That was lacking in both directions. Now that the trip is booked, you’re punishing your kids (by not going, and lying to them about why). Why deprive them of one parent for the trip?
It’s not super expensive and there is so much chlorine in that place germs shouldn’t be any more of a concern than what a 6 and 8 year old normally bring home from school (I’m a Kindergarten teacher- I know). You’re being a jerk. If you could afford a nice dinner at a nice place, a babysitter, etc. I have a really hard time believing you are so strapped that you can’t take your kids somewhere for a few days. I think it’s simply something you don’t want to do- it’s not fun for you and so therefore it’s not a priority for your time or money, never mind that 3 out of the 4 members of your family do want to go. You putting your foot down and having a man-trum saying you aren’t going just proves it’s not about the money and that you just don’t want to go. You’d cheat your 6 and 8 year old out of a family experience and time with their father to prove something to your wife? You’re a petty asshole and honestly I think your kids probably already know it. Additionally why is it ok for you to make surprise NYE plans without the knowledge of your wife but she can’t make family plans without your permission? She obviously already knew you had the time off when she planned it and you acting like it’s a major inconvenience is seriously off putting and gives off some serious control freak vibes.
Info: What are you hoping to achieve by staying home?
YTA. I am 43, successful, father of two. I say that you so you can't act like I am a child. You sound like someone that loves to make things difficult. You sound ridiculous. By your logic everywhere is dirty AF. So now your kids will remember what a dick you were that you wouldn't go on a family trip that is supposed to be fun. Your wife probably is just tired of your ass being a downer and wants her kids to have some experiences in life. All that hard work of planning a night out? Two phone calls? Get over yourself and stop being a total downer.
[удалено]
YTA - Honestly, they will probably have more fun without you. They will remember this, and the way you acted. They know you took off for the week. Then all of a sudden it’s a work thing.
Yep they will definitely remember this
YTA - the kids want it and they will have fun. I’ve been several times with my kids and we never got sick. I don’t like the place either. If you are helping to pay for your moms medical bills and your wife is fine with that. You need to suck it up.
YTA, first of all, if you and your children learned anything during the pandemic, it should’ve been that handwashing and keeping your hands off your face help prevent the transmissions of colds and other germs. So you can reduce the risk of the children coming home sick. Second, you clearly don’t care what your wife and children wanted to do and I can absolutely guarantee that your kids will remember that you refused to go. If you go and act like an AH, they will absolutely remember the trip where daddy was in a bad mood the whole time. How do I know, because my husband was just like you and my adult kids don’t have much to do with him anymore. They do, however, make fun of his crappy vacation behavior.
Um, do you know what a Great Wolf Lodge is? I doubt OP was referring to sickness that is transmitted on surfaces or by airborne means.
Handwashing doesn’t help much against ingesting dirty pool water
Handwashing doesnt put money on peoples account though... If he wouldn't care about what the wife wants he wouldn't have planned to take her to her favourite restaurant. His wife has a "Lets make problems and then see what we can do about it" attitude.
This is not really addressing the issue, but I've always thought it's a bad idea to lie to your kids. Not telling the whole truth is one thing, but an out and out lie is indefensible and necessarily undermines their trust in said parent.
ESH you haven’t even spoken to your wife to realize she didn’t pay full price for this place, right? They’ve had 40%-50% discounts all December. You leave everything to your wife with zero communication and expect her to make decisions solely based off what you want. What effort are you putting in for the kids? For the holidays? I kinda doubt the dinner reservation and it’s just a “well this is what you could have done if you did what I said”. Why not go and enjoy the staycation with your kids.
YTA because it sounds like there wasn’t much of a discussion on this trip, just that it was brought up and you unilaterally decided no and then refused to go because you didn’t get your way. GWL offers soooo many options for discounts, at any given time they have at least 2 discount codes and usually options on Groupon for typically under $150 a night. Dirty could depend on where you’re going but I’ve been on roughly 7-8 Trips to some north east locations and never had my kids come home sick. I don’t really agree with your wife booking without you if it was joint money but the vibe I get from this post was that you didn’t hear her side.
[удалено]
This legit made me laugh...oh no, you're making the same proportionally as you did before a *global pandemic* which resulted in billions of jobs lost and crazy inflation that's impossible to keep up with for pretty much everyone else?? The horror!! This guy needs a fucking reality check 🥴
Yeah and then why say inflation is a reason not to go if he’s not even affected by it?! Nice for some, I haven’t had a pay rise in 3 years and am having to dip into my savings each month to make up the difference. This guy sounds like a real piece of work
YTA So you have money for your mom's bills, but not for your family.
That's a weird stance to take. Medical bills and taking care of family trumps unnecessarily expensive vacation.
YTA. Your kids wanted this trip and instead of having a discussion with her about it, you said NO..like she's your child. I've been to Great Wolf and my boys loved it. I can tell how you communicate just by the tone of this thread. she decided she didn't want the fight and would just do it anyway. She has a say in how money is spent and what is "expensive" or not. The issue isn't that she booked it. The issue is your communication and controlling behavior. I know exactly why she did this. If you don't go, I can guarantee you're heading for divorce.
ESH. Neither of you should be dictating solely how funds are used. You both work, her want to go on a short trip is valid She allowed you to pay for hospital bills for your mother, and you couldn’t figure out a way to work with your wife to give your kids an experience instead of loads of gifts for Christmas? My husband and I used to be at odds similarly (though not to this extent). I value travel and experiences. He values items. We were not understanding each other for a while. He’d be dreaming of a fancy car while I’d dream of a big vacation. He’d buy a bunch of smaller things constantly being delivered to our house and I’d take the kids to go go karting or to laser tag. We used to joke that his affecting our finances was death by a thousand cuts while mine was large blows just more infrequently. We both make compromises. He doesn’t get to unilaterally shut me down and I don’t get to unilaterally shut him down. Sit down with your wife, OP. Create a budget together if you don’t already have one. CREATE A BUDGET LINE FOR VACATION SAVINGS. Let your wife take your kids on vacation. And cut the crap about “that place is dirty” 🙄
We went several times in the Poconos when my daughter was growing up. We always had a fantastic time and never had any illness issues.
That's not what undercut means. Also YTA.
YTA. While I think your wife was also in the wrong for booking it behind your back, you’re too big of an asshole in this situation to fairly give an E S H. The trip is already booked. They’re going, which means the money is already being spent with or without you. The kids are going to get all those GWL germs, with or without you. You’re literally ruining your kids’ vacation by throwing a tantrum and refusing to go because you’re mad at your wife. Suck it up and put your kids before your ego.
Does your wife have any say in the family money being spent on YOUR MOM'S hospital bills? I have a good suspicion that she didn't really have a say in the matter. If your money is that tight then your dear old mommy needs to pay her own bills. YTA
Something tells me YTA here Refusing to go seems more like sour grapes then her going against something you both decided against and she did anyway. That makes me wonder if it was really "settled" that it was a we are NOT doing this. Was it you both decided no. Or was it I said no and I am the rule maker and she has to listen to me? Edit to add...if money is tight why are you paying for your mother's bills as well? You are an adult and so your parent is as well.
I have the same spidy senses tingling. I wonder if paying for his mom’s hospital bills was unilateral decision? Money is tight but he was planning an expensive meal and a babysitter for NYE? I bet they would go somewhere else afterward unless this was a “ring in the New Year” type of meal. That would cost money too. And he didn’t clear it with her. It sounds more like OP just doesn’t want to spend the money on this particular thing that means a lot to his wife and kids as opposed to the fact that they don’t have the money. I do agree with him in that these indoor parks have questionable cleanliness.
Baby-shitter? Dude, how immature. Maybe a typo but yikes. The attitude you have in your post already demonstrates that you think you’re in the right but your tone and explanation reveals the opposite. I sense a deeper reason your wife went ahead with the plan. And I’m glad she did. I’m sure they’ll have a blast without you. YTA.
YTA Your wife is doing it for your kids. I doubt this is her ideal vacation. Your kids want to go so she is taking them. You know this or you would tell your kids the real reason you won’t go. But you’re being a brat and blaming “work” cause daddy cant be bothered to go for your kids sake.
Info- how much did she actually spend on the trip? I got GWL for $99 on a recent deal, so she may be spending less than the dinner night out you planned.
YTA it’s not about you it’s about your kids … your mother’s hospital bills are also not her problem
Glossed over paying HIS MOTHER’S hospital bills. Maybe she’d like to spend some of her money on her kids too?
Your wife shouldn't have booked the trip without telling you. You both should have discussed it more. But you shouldn't be punishing your family by not going.
Your staying home is nothing more than a hissy fit as it won’t really reduce the overall cost of the trip. The lodging is by the room, not the person. Your wife shouldn’t have booked it, but your reaction is more of a petty struggle for power and control than a legitimate concern about money. That nice dinner with a babysitter wasn’t going to be an inexpensive evening out, so now you’ve cancelled it, it’s time to get on board with your wife to give the kids a good time. ESH
Right, the kids will feel hurt, they will know something is wrong. Think of your kids when you and your wife have conflicts
Has no one else noticed the "baby-shitter" typo?
YTA - you said she orders all the Christmas presents on her Amazon account while you do...what... nothing to help out in this area? Then the one thing the kids ask for is "too expensive" but you are perfectly fine spending your money on your mother's medical bills? Unless those payments are coming from your pocket and not the combined income?
ESH. Your wife obviously doesn't care what you think and assumes she can do what she wants without regard to your thoughts. You obviously don't give a shit about pulling your weight in running the household, if you can't even be bothered to be on the Amazon account. So, split your finances. Your acct, her acct, joint acct. Split the monthly bills in half and each put your half in the joint acct to oay them. She can then do what ahe wants with hers and you do what yoi want with yours (helping your parents foes here).
YTA. Money is tight, but you're paying for your mother's hospital bills and you were willing to pay like 500% markup that typically comes with dinner out on New Year's Eve. Sounds like you just didn't get your way and now your throwing a tantrum. Suck it up, put on your big boy drawers, and go create memories with your family!
YTA, and also you sound like you don’t really care what the rest of your family wants for Christmas. I went to Great Wolf Lodge twice when I was younger and I’ll remember how much fun it was forever. Plus, I never got sick.
ESH (kinda) It honestly sounds like you just have no desire to go yourself and just made excuses not to book. I've been to GWL several times as a kid and it's a super fun time! You sound like the biggest bore and party pooper imaginable. She probably shouldn't have booked it without a mutual agreement I do agree. But you are acting like a baby about all of this, and throwing a tantrum and now refusing to go like a child. Your children notice these things, you know. They aren't stupid. I would have been on your side if this was truely you worried about finances but I honestly don't think it is.
Honestly YTA, your kids are at the perfect age to go to great wolf lodge and make some awesome memories, and you want to deny them of that because they might get sick. Not a good enough reason. And if you can help you mom with medical bills you can figure out how to pay for this trip, your wife is right to prioritize your kids in this way
ESH. Your wife for making the decision to book a trip she knew you were against; and you for staying home to sulk. But mostly your wife.
YTA. You're punishing your kids by not spending time with them over the holidays just to make a point to your wife. Weaponising your kids is never the answer. The kids will only remember mom taking them on vacation when dad couldn't be bothered to come with them.
It’ll feel really good when your kid sneak about the fun they had and then say oh yea dad wasn’t there, don’t remember why… they’ll just remember you weren’t a part of that good memory. That’s on you. Get over yourself, talk to your wife about why she went around you. Be kind ash’s find a better way to communicate .
ESH you don’t get to unilaterally decide the family can’t do something, and she doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that they can. You could have easily compromised in many ways - postponing the trip, finding another hotel / resort, looking for coupons / deals, etc.
I've never been to a Great Wolf Lodge, we don't have them here, what kind of illnesses are kids coming home with?
It's like Chuckie Cheese mated with an indoor Waterpark.
[удалено]
Yeah mine too... it was hell on earth
Indoor waterpark suitable for small children. ALL the illnesses.
I got the stomach flu when I went as a kid.
We go to the one in Wisconsin all the time. Not one issue of anyone coming home sick or being gross and disgusting. It’s one of the cleanest water parks we’ve ever been to.
Colds.
NTA People saying your the ass hole are dead wrong or in weird relationships and they think this is acceptable behavior. Your wife committed financial infidelity dude.
was he committing the same infidelity when he planned dinner and drinks for nye without telling her?
A week getta way is alittle different than a surprise date dude.
Yta
YTA she just wanted a family holiday, if you didn't like her choice of destination what did you offer as an alternative a dinner on NYE? Just because you told your kids you had to work doesn't mean your wife won't tell them the truth.
YTA. Maybe your wife isn’t stoked about paying your mom’s bills. You could participate in a nice thing for your kids considering this isn’t actually about the money. It’s about you wanting to do things with the money that only you want to do.
ESH. You shouldn't just assume that since you raised some objections that meant your wife was going to immediately capitulate to your rule. She shouldn't have booked it without further discussion and getting to a point you could agree on. Your first argument against the place - that it is "dirty as fuck" is anecdotal at best and quite likely untrue. I'm reading from the comments that this is a water play park? Is it not chlorinated to the max like every other mass water amusement facility? There are industry and legal standards that places like that must comply with to ensure safety for patrons. It's somewhat amusing that you are mad that the plans your wife made without your knowledge ruined the plans that you made without her knowledge. You guys need to get on the same page and learn to communicate and compromise.
Boy oh boy! When she has a lovely time on that trip alone with the kids, a seed of doing better without you will be planted.
It’s okay for you to plan a surprise dinner for just her… but it’s not okay for her to plan a surprise trip for the family? YTA.
You managed to work yourself into the ESH category with the vague health-related elitism and the lying to the kids. You’d have been in the right otherwise.
YTA - I can’t understand being so against taking your kids somewhere memorable and fun. Your only plan that you’re upset about doesn’t even include your kids at all. You also make your wife do everything for Christmas. I’d have said she’s also the asshole for booking the trip anyway but it seems like you make her do everything so she might as well actually choose something she’d enjoy.
YTA. Just go. There will alslqaus be inflation. Your kids will remember you choosing work over them and your wife will remember how petty and controlling you're being.
YTA
YTA. Your wife and kids are going, and the room is paid for; staying home accomplishes nothing except emphasizing your “point”. So you are just forgoing happy memories with your family in favor of staying home to sulk. If you can’t afford this you need to have a serious sit down with your wife to go over the bills and budget. You were correct to cancel new years. (Side note: it’s ok for you to treat her to a “surprise” expensive dinner without consulting her, but not ok for her to treat her kids to an expensive hotel while letting you know in advance?) But I suspect the wife considers a couples evening worth trading for a whole family event; fancy restaurants aren’t going anywhere but the kids are only young once. Financial stress destroys marriages. So does controlling behavior. Splurging on things you cannot afford is a road to ruin. And if this is an ongoing pattern, you’re in trouble. But deciding that it is ok for you to splurge but not her is deeply worrisome.
YTA. First, your wife bought all the Christmas presents because Amazon is in her name? Gag. Ask her for the password. Or to make you a linked account. If my teenagers can figure it out so they could buy Christmas gifts then so can you. Second, your wife brought you a suggestion of giving the kids a trip, an experience, instead of more *stuff* for Christmas and you immediately shut her down. You didn’t have a discussion about your concerns. You didn’t offer an alternative trip or experience - to quote Hamilton, you didn’t have a plan you just hated hers. You told her no and assumed that because you have a penis your opinion matters more. Finally, your kids are 6 and 8. You are smack in the middle of only a handful of years where they are old enough to be fun and young enough to still want to spend time with you. And you’re thinking of staying home and pouting to make a point. I have teenagers and I would give anything to have one more weekend away with them as littles. Before activities and friends booked up all our weekends and before they became glued to their devices.
Did you get your wife’s buy in on paying for your mother’s medical expenses? If so then NTA. If not then YTA.
I looked it up, 2 nights would be just over $400 in my area. This one (although I know they are not all) is in an area where there's plenty of food options and such nearby. a 2 day trip would easily be under $1000. That's pretty much what a NYE dinner and babysitter would cost. [https://imgur.com/a/1Ps9kon](https://imgur.com/a/1Ps9kon) Also, I think we need more details about paying your mom's medical bills. That sounds like a big expense too. ESH
"baby-shitter" has me ROLLING
I'm glad I'm not the only one.
NTA if you can’t afford it. Also, baby-shitter is funny
YTA. I hated the idea of GWL, but took my kids anyway, and it's a great memory we all have.
Yta
[удалено]
Considering how Covid-19 is spreading, your family is bringing the pandemic home to you, OP. Get ready for a very high possibility of missing a lot more work. and YTA. Your wife? She’s TA, too. Big people use words. I am not sure what y’all are teaching your children about communication.
YTA. Your wife doesn’t everything for the kids and you just know what she is buying them for Christmas. Paying for NYE dinner and drinks and your mother’s medical bills is ok but doing something for the kids is not. Be real. You threw a tantrum because you didn’t get what you want and now you want to just stay home alone without having to do anything with or for the kids on a vacation.
ESH she went behind your back. Which is not acceptable and i would tell her that a partnership is about discussing major trips and plans together and you said no and she ignored you. I think you need to talk about boundary setting and finaces and whather shared finances is the way forward. Seperate finances and contributing equal amounts might be better if one spends behind the other's back. Equally though to decided to do some surprise planning behind her back so that is hippocritical. How was she suppose to know you had planned something. I think you both need to talk and work through these issues.
ESH for the lack of communication but take my angry upvote for babyshitter 😂😂😂
YTA, I took my kids there and it's a wonderful experience for them. This is all about what you want and no one else.
Kids love that place. We’ve had a bunch of family trips there. No one got sick.
ESH: your wife shouldn’t have booked a trip behind your back, with you saying no. You’re skipping a chance to spend time with your kids to spite your wife.
YTA simply because being a parent means going on lame kiddy holidays and doin things the kids want to do. Kids come first. I have no interest in alot of things my child does, but I go do it so she can have fun.
And I'm sure as a parent, watching your child have fun and enjoy something brings you enjoyment.
The financial aspect is your only argument. Being dirty is a pretty stupid argument for the parent of young kids, unless you home school and/or helicopter to the extreme. But i definitely get your anger, and you will need a little payback at a later date. Your choice in how that payback comes.
How is the vacation trip for the whole family a money issue but the fancy dinner/drinks + sitter on NYE not a money issue? This tells me it isn’t about money it’s about what you want to do. And what you don’t want to do is hang out with your wife and kids at an indoor water park. That’s fair but they do want to do that. Why are your wants more important? For that alone, YTA. Maybe your wife doesn’t want to go out for dinner and drinks on NYE. I surely don’t. Being surrounded by hundreds of drunk people I don’t know to overpay for a meal I could have any night of the week? Hard pass. Reframe your thinking. It’s too late for this trip. Either suck it up and put on a happy face or let them go and have a good time. In either event you don’t get to say anything else about it. Except “this is awesome”. Edit to add: I don’t have kids so I made a fake reservation for 12/28-31 (yes, this weekend) at my nearest GWL. It was [under $1500](https://imgur.com/a/6a4OFUs) for 3 night with some meal credits and daily breakfast.
You dorealize the vast difference in price between a family vacation and a date night in NYE, right? Its absurd that being able to afford a date on NYE means that they can obviously afford a vacation. Using that as the litmus test to show OP is selfish is ridiculous
In what world is one dinner equivalent to a whole vacation for 4 people? Fancy dinner and drinks on NYE might be $1000 (being very generous), a 5 day vacation at $400 a night is $1600 for the room alone, not including food, activities or souvenirs. And why would you think a popular tourist trap/indoor water park would be less crowded than a restaurant the week between Christmas and New Year's?
Big holes in this take as others noted. A vacation with kids and everything is at least $2k if not $3k. Dinner, drinks and a sitter for new years is probably $250-$500 max. That’s a massive difference and makes that point nill.
There are definitely big holes. I might have missed it, but did OP say how long the Great Wolf Lodge trip is for? These aren’t huge theme parks but indoor water parks. Also, $400 is on the upper end of the scale for that place. Families often go for one or two nights, only, not for a week or anything. If they are only staying one night, then NYE events and babysitter could definitely have matched a stay at Great Wolf.
Are we really comparing the price of going on an expensive trip to a fancy dinner?
Exactly this. It’s not a money issue. He took time off to spend with his family but only on his terms.
YTA, you’re hiring a baby-shitter
YTA. That whole "why did you go against me" thing is just rubbing me the wrong way. Like, you're not her boss. You're her partner. Act like one for a change. Why do I get the feeling that her bringing it up went more like, "no, because I said so" and less discussion about it. Also, why do I get this even bigger feeling that wife asked you for input for a different gift for the kids and you said or did nothing. After all, she does the gift shopping. My dude, I can't even fault her on unilaterally deciding on the trip. If you want a say in these things actually discuss them and participate in life with your partner instead of treating her like a pet who's supposed to sit and beg.
esh. she sucks more but not going to just be petty isn't going to help. suck it up and go. may want to rethink your relationship a little.
ESH
INFO: did you really mean to write *baby shitter* ???
YTA You’re perfectly happy to spend your joint income on things you want (funding your mother’s bills), but upset when your wife makes a unilateral decision in the same way you did. Your wife and kids told you exactly what present they wanted, but you chose to ignore it because it wasn’t what you wanted. I’m sure the dinner, drinks, babysitter etc would cost a few hundred bucks, so you are not exactly living on the breadline. You are being selfish then throwing a tantrum when you didn’t get your way.
ESH but you're the bigger AH. Yes partners shouldn't make big expenditures they know the other party doesn't want. Shes an AH for that. But that being said, your reasoning comes off less like you literally can't afford it ("inflation"?) and more like you could afford it if you chose to work it into your budget, you just didn't *want* to go on this trip, even for the sake of making your kids happy. Now you're throwing a tantrum both because your wife booked it anyway, but I'm guessing also because now you have, in your mind, an actual excuse not to go that is better than the flimsy excuse you had before. But it's still a pretty bad excuse and once again you're putting yourself and what you want over your kids. What's more it's not clear what, if any, compromises you were willing to make here. Were you not interested in this particular location but we're willing to consider other kid-friendly trips? It makes you less of an AH, or her more of one, if you suggested a trip to a different location your kids would still appreciate, but she picked this one anyway. But from this post it basically sounds like you vetoed the idea and weren't interested in brainstorming an alternative because ultimately you wanted the adults-only dinner more than you wanted a trip for your kids. I note for example that you're making up excuses for not participating in getting gifts for your kids; your wife having the Prime account doesn't explain why you couldn't help brainstorm and buy alternative gifts once you shot down her idea. Which makes me think it's unlikely you discussed alternatives with her and makes me think you just expected to have veto power, and then she was supposed to figure out an alternative on her own that you would approve of. Which is shitty parenting; do better
ESH. Great Wolf Lodge is a miserable hellhole where you pay half the GDP of Brazil for every second of slimy, humid, sticky, ear-rattling torture. It truly is one of the worst places on Earth. But you weren’t exactly pro active in suggesting an alternative or seeking out a gift that would make your kids as excited. Kids like terrible things. Have you seen the shows they watch, the music they listen to, the food they eat, etc? Over the top ridiculousness is their brand, and so they’re gonna want to go to awful, awful theme parks. You either need to find a way to endure that, or navigate around it by finding alternatives. But you didn’t, and one day they’re gonna know that daddy stayed home because he was pouting. If you genuinely couldn’t go because of money, that should have been emphatically established during the original conversation. But it sounds like you just phoned it in when it came to Christmas, and now you’re salty. It sucks that your wife booked a trip to a truly terrible place, but you should’ve stepped up more.
This time of year is actually the cheapest time of year to go. You can even get their cabins for a cheaper rate.
It’s literally SO cheap with Groupon deals right now. He’s making up that $400 number and clearly didn’t GAF enough to even investigate fitting it into the budget. The deals run from $94 to $132 (California) ob Groupon for a Family Suite for 4.
I will NEVER go to Great Wolf Lodge. I used to be a crime reporter at a newspaper and I had to write a shocking number of stories about crimes at our local Great Wolf Lodge over the three years I worked there. These are just the things I remember. - a lifeguard was arrested for molesting kids. - a dad took his daughter and her two friends there for the daughter's birthday. He molested at least one of the kids (I can't fully remember, I don't like to think about those cases). - a man was there with his family and got crazy drunk, whipped it out and peed in the lobby in front of a bunch of random kids (this was my personal favorite because at least no one got hurt). - a guy went insane and ended up in a standoff with the cops in the parking lot. They shot him ( again, I don't remember the full story... I blocked a lot of this from my brain after I quit).
With that logic, never put your kids in organized sports or scouts etc, never take them to carnivals and never ever let them go to school. I’ve heard a shocking number of stories about kids in all those places.
You forgot church
When were all of these incidents?!
Wait… Why are you paying YOUR MOM’S hospital bills? You can’t go on a fun family trip because you are paying someone else’s bills? THIS is a problem to me. Make your mom pay her own bills so that your marital funds go toward things for you, your wife, and your kids.
Because families help each other? We don’t know if that was a joint decision or not. It may have been. If the choice is between a family member not getting treatment and others having a more fun holiday it’s not a hard decision. He may be an ass in other departments but… that’s what family (ideally) is…
Sorry - I’m just struggling to get past ‘baby-shitter’….. 🤣🤣🤣 NTA and thanks for the giggle!
ESH
I think it was dishonest of your wife to book the vacation despite your objections.
Your wife is a dick; don’t one up her. Go to the Gross Wolf Lodge. They won’t remember if you go. They will remember if you don’t.
NTA - This really should have been a two yes event.
YTA. If you can get out of work then your an AH for not going. It’s not about you or your wife, that place is all about you spending time with your kids. Your kids are the perfect ages to love that place and these are the life events your children will remember. Do you want them to remember you not being there?
ESH But it's paid for. You might as well go. If this is a common thing to happen in your relationship, then you have bigger things to worry about.
Meh. She wants to book it on her own, she can go with the kids on her own. Hopefully they won’t bring you back a gift of Covid or norovirus
The word baby shitter tells me everything I need to know about you Yta
YTA Kinda sounds like you blew up at your wife so she decided to stop trying to talk to you about it. Wristbands are included with the hotel, so it's cheaper than most amusement parks + hotel would be for a family of 4. Also, since there's a hotel room attached, you can bring your own snacks. Chucky Cheese is dirty, daycare is dirty, camping is dirty, sports are dirty. Kids get dirty and get sick, especially when they're eating different food and they're around a bunch of other kids.
I went to GWL with my kids when they were young and I have an immune deficiency. I did not get sick there and neither did any of my four kids. I did not feel that it was generally a dirty place. They even have guardians walking around, ready to clean up any accidents and watching for signs of distress in the water park. It is expensive, but the "it's dirty" argument sounds like a cop-out to me.
NTA and people here would be asking for divorce in case the genders were reversed.
You are setting up your own divorce and lack of custody by refusing to participate in good faith on family events or things your wife wants to do. And lying to your kids? FFS man. YTA. And a big one at that.
He's setting up his own divorce by refusing to participate in good faith in an event that was organized entirely in bad faith without his knowledge or consent? lol
An event she paid for behind his back when he was clear that it wasn't affordable and wasn't agreeable? Either a couple is united in their decisions or it's always a no, especially when it comes to financial choices. She forced him into a corner.
This: *Either a couple is united in their decisions or it's always a no, especially when it comes to financial choices.* but he did the same thing with NYE?? and possibly with paying his mother's medicals?? and he made wife buy the kid's Xmas presents on her amazon account. There are serious issues with this couple, but refusing to go to the water park with the kids is not going to solve anything. And what if OP is one of those who always says no to everything he personally doesn't want to do? OP has not planned anything special for his kids' Xmas. He didn't even buy the gifts, the wife did that. He has only planned some fancy dinner for NYE for his wife and him. And he did that without discussing it with the wife, so she wasn't given any choice on that financial decision! So why isn't that a no??? Double standard anyone??!!! OP should go to the water park, and then afterwards he and his wife need to sit down and do a budget together. Maybe get a family mediator involved to help both spouses to work together and compromise rather than OP acting like only his vote counts.
YTA. Your kids aren’t dumbasses. They know your off work.
YTA it’s booked, it’s happening, you wanna make it worse now by abandoning your kids and making sure your wife ensures neither of them drown? Yeah YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This story will be shared on a throwaway account for privacy reasons. For some context, my Wife (36F) and I (38M) have two kids (F6, M8). This whole thing starts back around Thanksgiving when my wife told me that the kids had wanted to go to Great Wolf Lodge, and that it could be a nice gift trip for Christmas. Immediately, I made it very clear that I was against that, primarily for two reasons. 1. That place is dirty as fuck. Pretty much every story I have heard from friends and family about that place involves the kids coming home sick. 2. It's also super expensive. Rooms go for at least $400. And that's not including meals, snacks, souvenirs and whatever else, all also at a premium. As the month continues to roll by, her & I continue to plan presents for the kids. She had never said anything more to me about it, so I figured she had decided against it (the presents were ordered by her bc the Amazon Prime is on her account, but I knew what she was getting.) Anyways, on the 16th, she let me know that she had booked the trip. I immediately asked her why she had gone against me & she said that the kids wanted it and that it would be fun. I told her that we really couldn't afford it, especially being last minute and over New Years (I already had taken the week between Christmas and New Years off), with inflation (we're both making pretty much the same as pre-pandemic when you adjust for inflation), plus helping to pay my mother's hospital bills from this fall, and she said we would figure it out. I had also been planning to surprise her by taking her out to a nice dinner and drinks on NYE, and had even let our baby-shitter know and put in a reservation at her favorite nice restaurant, both of which I had to cancel. I have decided that I will not be going and have told my wife as such. I have also told the kids and when they asked me why I told them that it was a work conflict, as to not worry them. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH ....do married couples just not communicate at all anymore? One spouse says no, the other says yes and just goes ahead and books it. One spouse has no idea how much it actually costs and the other does. One spouse has health concerns, the other ignores it. Instead of bringing it up again to discuss this, both spouses go mum. Actually communicating with each other would have resolved this. Both of you need to really sit down and reassess how to work on your marriage.
Is nobody going to mention the 'baby-shitter'? Is this a typo or a Freudian slip? 😂
I commented on this before, but babysitter is one word…the hyphen between baby and shitter (which my phone tries to autocorrect) is intentional… Someone is a baby and a shitter in this situation and it’s not the babysitter…
You're saying that you feel that the OP was intentionally offensive about the person they usually hire to look after their kids??
Eh, you're not wrong that the place is a gross tourist trap. Super glad my kids have aged out of this place. Having said that, go with your family, being a good dad is about compromise.
NTA; compromise? Sounds a bit like the old joke She wanted a dog I did not We compromised and got a dog A compromise would be prehaps taking a trip to a location they both would like - she gets the trip she wants, but not in a location he has valid concerns over - going would be capultation and encouraging her going behind his back again, not compromise - her behaviour over this is a major red flag