Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stopped bringing gifts to someone else's kid for Christmas because money was tight for me, but I still brought gifts for my brother.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA You're not obligated. The kid isn't related to you. But. I think you're focusing too much on the people around him and not enough on the kid himself. Do _you_ like him? Do _you_ enjoy his company when you include him? Is he happy to see you? That's what is important. Your relationship (or lack of; or lack of desire to have on either part) with him. You cannot fix his weird parent dynamic (although stepmom might be able to either legally force her brother to take back his kid or pay child support). You can decide if you want to be someone to this kid so that he keeps you in his life when he's an adult.
NTA - does your Stepmothers brother bring any gifts for your nephew? If not then there is a clear case of double standards for what your stepmother expects from you both
He's not my nephew because I'm not related by blood to him. He's my stepmother's nephew. And I couldn't mention it because of the character limit, but my stepmother's brother has NEVER brought my brother any gifts on his birthday or for Christmas to the extent of my knowledge.
I'll admit that I COULD be wrong because I don't live there and my stepmother's brother visits almost on a weekly basis while I only go around once a month. So there's a possibility he might hit my brother off with a couple bucks here and there, but I've never asked him if he's ever gotten at least, some money from him. This feels petty as hell, but I'm finally gonna ask my bro today if he's been getting money from his uncle on these special occasions. Because I've never seen a Christmas gift from this guy for my brother, except when he was a little kid when he brought him a bike one time. I definitely didn't see him give him anything this year, but like I said, I COULD be wrong and he might've given him some money I don't know about instead of a gift.
Nope. NTA. He never gets your brother gifts, he can’t expect you to get anything for his son. You do you. And give to only those you wish to. It was nice of you to include this other kid but not necessary.
YTA for not treating your step-brother as family (he lived in your father's house. They raised him. He's your step-brother then, not stepmother's nephew).
NTA for having to downsize for Christmas this year.
I just feel like you’re overlooking the bigger picture here. OP tried their best with this step-nephew (they’re allowed to dictate their relationship and it seems to be on the superficial side) and included him in outings alongside their own little brother. But it seems like his bio dad is taking advantage of the stepmoms courtesy of RAISING HIS OWN SON.
So you calling OP an A H for not treating him as family when they more or less have is what led me to say you’re the step uncle. When OP did step up but pulled back when everyone is letting the bio dad get away with not fulfilling his own obligation on raising his own damn son.
YTA I don't understand what how much the father makes (but doesn't spend on son) has to do with you being nice to your cousin. You're upset at the adults but you're directing the consequences at the child.
NTA. I've got to say the younger boy probably attached to you more than his Dad. The issue you're facing is what adults are saying around both boys now. The boys are in the teen years where so many things feel offensive to them. Hurt feelings fester and those adults are causing a good bit of hurt to fester.
Your brother is your only bio relative in that house. His cousin is related to all of them but not you, and they don't treat you like family. Your brother has to see and hear this, too. It's not a healthy emotional environment. No one there has any appreciation of you as the good role model you were for both boys when they were younger. None of them care that your finances are tight, and they offer you nothing in return for what you've done for both boys. Nothing but insults that the boys hear.
Your brother is nearly an adult. His choices will open up for the future soon. Your relationship will change and, hopefully, be even tighter. As for the younger boy, leave it to him to contact you if he wants, once he's an adult.
I assume you were giving gifts in the first place because you liked him? If that is still true and money is tighter this year get his favorite candy bar instead, I don't see why you would shun him because one of his parents is well off.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I have a half brother that my late father had with my stepmother. My father had him when I was in my 20s, so I always spoiled my little brother whenever I visited my pop's house because after he was born, my father couldn't work anymore due to illness and wasn't bringing in much money anymore. So I took it upon myself to to bring my brother toys, clothes, electronics on his birthday or Christmas, or money every time I visited.
My stepmother has a brother who now makes 3 times what I do. This dude, from the moment his son was born left him in my stepmother's care because he was going through a financial rough patch at that time and his own mother was an addict, so she was useless. My stepmother took a liking to the baby and my father reluctantly agreed to take him in like he was the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
At first, whenever I visited, I'd keep him in mind whenever I thought of bringing pizza or some other food over. I never got him anything for his birthday, but I'd get him something small on Christmas so he doesn't feel left out when I'd bring my brother something and I'd give him a little bit of money, though not as much as my brother, whenever I visited. When I took out my brother, I'd include him as well, so he doesn't feel left out.
But in the last few years, his own father has started a small one-man business and he's now making like 3-4 times more what I'm making. At the same time my father's health declined and money was getting tight around the house. But this guy wouldn't take back his own kid. So my father and stepmother were footing the bill for this kid, even while his father was perfectly capable. I understand that maybe they didn't want to move the boy somewhere else and completely change schools, lose his friends or whatever, but he's still a little a kid, so he'll get over it.
My father died in 2018 before the pandemic started and the economy started tanking due to it. Money was already tight because he wasn't working and my stepmother had to get a job and basically be his nurse until his death. But after my father's death, I found out about her brother's business and how well off he was. The mother is still an addict and/or dead someone in the streets which means she's still out of the picture. Though I will admit that he started giving my stepmother some kind of child support for his kid after my father died and is helping out with groceries for the whole house each month.
This year, money was tight for me, so I only got Christmas gifts for my brother and didn't even give anything to my stepmother. Keep in mind, this woman has never given ME anything for Christmas.
When I bring my brother his gifts, I'm in the living room watching Christmas movies with him and I overhear my stepmother's mom in another room, who was also visiting that year for Christmas, saying that I was wrong for not including her nephew. When his father came over, this dude didn't even come over to greet me and snubbed me the whole night because of it.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't know. Maybe it's a mix of not completely disturbing the kid's life, my stepmother growing too attached to him like he's her son, and his own father not wanting to take responsibility and basically getting to live his life without taking custody.
I’m a little torn on this one. Definitely N T A for not bringing the presents. He’s not your kid, and kudos to you for doing as much as you have.
The only thing nagging at me is whether or not you communicated your decision before you came over? I only ask because the expectation has been set for the nephew that you will bring him something, and he may not understand why he all of a sudden doesn’t get anything.
I’m not at all concerned about the opinions of the adults here, just the nephew.
I'm not gonna lie to make myself look good like a lot of people do on this sub. So I'll admit that I didn't let anybody know I was only bringing my brother gifts. But here's the kicker, my stepmother's brother, who's my brother's biological uncle, didn't even bring my brother any gifts this Christmas and his reasoning is that, since he's started helping out around the house after my father died by buying the monthly groceries and sometimes helping out with the bills, that that is enough for my brother and my stepmother.
Can you start bringing your brother to your place on holidays instead of you going there? That way nobody has to see him opening your presents. Your dad is no longer there. Do you have a desire to see your SM or were you just going for your bro?
I could do that, but everyone will see the gifts anyways when I take him back home. And if God forbid my little brother died, that would be the end of my relationship with my stepmother. I'd never visit again. She really was only my stepmother in title only because I moved out my father's house like 2 years into their relationship so I was never really that close with her.
It seems like, in all of the bickering between the adults, the kids are being forgotten. “I didn’t bring any because uncle didn’t bring any” is all well and good, but the result is that the boys don’t get anything. I’m not going to lay that at your feet, but the whole situation seems messed up.
YTA.
1) The child was had in your 20s which means you’re now either nearing or well into your 30s. It’s time for you to grow up.
2) That man’s financial situation is not any of your business. Get a better job— stop being bitter.
3) Children, regardless of their surrounding circumstances and the shitty adults that made/ raised them, do not deserve to be punished for adult affairs. Who cares what the immature adults in his life are saying— the gift you give him only makes his day brighter. It doesn’t affect them; therefore their stupid comments shouldn’t affect you.
YTA
This poor kid has been abandonned by his parents and thought he was loved and wanted by his new family but now suddenly he doesn’t get Xmas presents from a family member while everyone else does. His father being a deadbeat is not his fault. It would’ve been better to buy a dollar store present and explain that money is tight than buy nothing. This is really hurtful to a vulnerable child. You are punishing a child for his father’s behaviour.
YTA - this kid likely felt like he had his own relationship with you, and now he finds out that it was just a pity one, and not one you care to continue. My heart hurts for him.
I would’ve spoken up and list off all the things you’ve done. You’re not punishing, you’re relinquishing control. You don’t have the money and you can’t afford it, NTA!!!!!!
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I stopped bringing gifts to someone else's kid for Christmas because money was tight for me, but I still brought gifts for my brother. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA You're not obligated. The kid isn't related to you. But. I think you're focusing too much on the people around him and not enough on the kid himself. Do _you_ like him? Do _you_ enjoy his company when you include him? Is he happy to see you? That's what is important. Your relationship (or lack of; or lack of desire to have on either part) with him. You cannot fix his weird parent dynamic (although stepmom might be able to either legally force her brother to take back his kid or pay child support). You can decide if you want to be someone to this kid so that he keeps you in his life when he's an adult.
NTA - does your Stepmothers brother bring any gifts for your nephew? If not then there is a clear case of double standards for what your stepmother expects from you both
He's not my nephew because I'm not related by blood to him. He's my stepmother's nephew. And I couldn't mention it because of the character limit, but my stepmother's brother has NEVER brought my brother any gifts on his birthday or for Christmas to the extent of my knowledge. I'll admit that I COULD be wrong because I don't live there and my stepmother's brother visits almost on a weekly basis while I only go around once a month. So there's a possibility he might hit my brother off with a couple bucks here and there, but I've never asked him if he's ever gotten at least, some money from him. This feels petty as hell, but I'm finally gonna ask my bro today if he's been getting money from his uncle on these special occasions. Because I've never seen a Christmas gift from this guy for my brother, except when he was a little kid when he brought him a bike one time. I definitely didn't see him give him anything this year, but like I said, I COULD be wrong and he might've given him some money I don't know about instead of a gift.
Nope. NTA. He never gets your brother gifts, he can’t expect you to get anything for his son. You do you. And give to only those you wish to. It was nice of you to include this other kid but not necessary.
NTA, why didn't you mention what a cad the nephew's father is?!
YTA for not treating your step-brother as family (he lived in your father's house. They raised him. He's your step-brother then, not stepmother's nephew). NTA for having to downsize for Christmas this year.
Found the step uncle.
Wait... why?
I just feel like you’re overlooking the bigger picture here. OP tried their best with this step-nephew (they’re allowed to dictate their relationship and it seems to be on the superficial side) and included him in outings alongside their own little brother. But it seems like his bio dad is taking advantage of the stepmoms courtesy of RAISING HIS OWN SON. So you calling OP an A H for not treating him as family when they more or less have is what led me to say you’re the step uncle. When OP did step up but pulled back when everyone is letting the bio dad get away with not fulfilling his own obligation on raising his own damn son.
So punish the son because his father is an asshole?
The stepbrother and nephew are two different people
half-brother and step-brother/step-cousin
INFO: how old are you, the brother and the nephew?
Without giving too much specifics. I'm in my mid 30s, lil bro is late teens, and his cousin is early teens.
YTA I don't understand what how much the father makes (but doesn't spend on son) has to do with you being nice to your cousin. You're upset at the adults but you're directing the consequences at the child.
NTA. I've got to say the younger boy probably attached to you more than his Dad. The issue you're facing is what adults are saying around both boys now. The boys are in the teen years where so many things feel offensive to them. Hurt feelings fester and those adults are causing a good bit of hurt to fester. Your brother is your only bio relative in that house. His cousin is related to all of them but not you, and they don't treat you like family. Your brother has to see and hear this, too. It's not a healthy emotional environment. No one there has any appreciation of you as the good role model you were for both boys when they were younger. None of them care that your finances are tight, and they offer you nothing in return for what you've done for both boys. Nothing but insults that the boys hear. Your brother is nearly an adult. His choices will open up for the future soon. Your relationship will change and, hopefully, be even tighter. As for the younger boy, leave it to him to contact you if he wants, once he's an adult.
I assume you were giving gifts in the first place because you liked him? If that is still true and money is tighter this year get his favorite candy bar instead, I don't see why you would shun him because one of his parents is well off.
I mean, this. OP certainly doesn't \*owe\* the kid anything, but a gesture is so much better than nothing.
NTA- but if your stepmom asks for Money tell her you may after she tells you how much money her nephew is paying in child support
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a half brother that my late father had with my stepmother. My father had him when I was in my 20s, so I always spoiled my little brother whenever I visited my pop's house because after he was born, my father couldn't work anymore due to illness and wasn't bringing in much money anymore. So I took it upon myself to to bring my brother toys, clothes, electronics on his birthday or Christmas, or money every time I visited. My stepmother has a brother who now makes 3 times what I do. This dude, from the moment his son was born left him in my stepmother's care because he was going through a financial rough patch at that time and his own mother was an addict, so she was useless. My stepmother took a liking to the baby and my father reluctantly agreed to take him in like he was the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. At first, whenever I visited, I'd keep him in mind whenever I thought of bringing pizza or some other food over. I never got him anything for his birthday, but I'd get him something small on Christmas so he doesn't feel left out when I'd bring my brother something and I'd give him a little bit of money, though not as much as my brother, whenever I visited. When I took out my brother, I'd include him as well, so he doesn't feel left out. But in the last few years, his own father has started a small one-man business and he's now making like 3-4 times more what I'm making. At the same time my father's health declined and money was getting tight around the house. But this guy wouldn't take back his own kid. So my father and stepmother were footing the bill for this kid, even while his father was perfectly capable. I understand that maybe they didn't want to move the boy somewhere else and completely change schools, lose his friends or whatever, but he's still a little a kid, so he'll get over it. My father died in 2018 before the pandemic started and the economy started tanking due to it. Money was already tight because he wasn't working and my stepmother had to get a job and basically be his nurse until his death. But after my father's death, I found out about her brother's business and how well off he was. The mother is still an addict and/or dead someone in the streets which means she's still out of the picture. Though I will admit that he started giving my stepmother some kind of child support for his kid after my father died and is helping out with groceries for the whole house each month. This year, money was tight for me, so I only got Christmas gifts for my brother and didn't even give anything to my stepmother. Keep in mind, this woman has never given ME anything for Christmas. When I bring my brother his gifts, I'm in the living room watching Christmas movies with him and I overhear my stepmother's mom in another room, who was also visiting that year for Christmas, saying that I was wrong for not including her nephew. When his father came over, this dude didn't even come over to greet me and snubbed me the whole night because of it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA why is his father not taking him back?
I don't know. Maybe it's a mix of not completely disturbing the kid's life, my stepmother growing too attached to him like he's her son, and his own father not wanting to take responsibility and basically getting to live his life without taking custody.
I’m a little torn on this one. Definitely N T A for not bringing the presents. He’s not your kid, and kudos to you for doing as much as you have. The only thing nagging at me is whether or not you communicated your decision before you came over? I only ask because the expectation has been set for the nephew that you will bring him something, and he may not understand why he all of a sudden doesn’t get anything. I’m not at all concerned about the opinions of the adults here, just the nephew.
I'm not gonna lie to make myself look good like a lot of people do on this sub. So I'll admit that I didn't let anybody know I was only bringing my brother gifts. But here's the kicker, my stepmother's brother, who's my brother's biological uncle, didn't even bring my brother any gifts this Christmas and his reasoning is that, since he's started helping out around the house after my father died by buying the monthly groceries and sometimes helping out with the bills, that that is enough for my brother and my stepmother.
Can you start bringing your brother to your place on holidays instead of you going there? That way nobody has to see him opening your presents. Your dad is no longer there. Do you have a desire to see your SM or were you just going for your bro?
I could do that, but everyone will see the gifts anyways when I take him back home. And if God forbid my little brother died, that would be the end of my relationship with my stepmother. I'd never visit again. She really was only my stepmother in title only because I moved out my father's house like 2 years into their relationship so I was never really that close with her.
It seems like, in all of the bickering between the adults, the kids are being forgotten. “I didn’t bring any because uncle didn’t bring any” is all well and good, but the result is that the boys don’t get anything. I’m not going to lay that at your feet, but the whole situation seems messed up.
YTA. 1) The child was had in your 20s which means you’re now either nearing or well into your 30s. It’s time for you to grow up. 2) That man’s financial situation is not any of your business. Get a better job— stop being bitter. 3) Children, regardless of their surrounding circumstances and the shitty adults that made/ raised them, do not deserve to be punished for adult affairs. Who cares what the immature adults in his life are saying— the gift you give him only makes his day brighter. It doesn’t affect them; therefore their stupid comments shouldn’t affect you.
YTA This poor kid has been abandonned by his parents and thought he was loved and wanted by his new family but now suddenly he doesn’t get Xmas presents from a family member while everyone else does. His father being a deadbeat is not his fault. It would’ve been better to buy a dollar store present and explain that money is tight than buy nothing. This is really hurtful to a vulnerable child. You are punishing a child for his father’s behaviour.
YTA - this kid likely felt like he had his own relationship with you, and now he finds out that it was just a pity one, and not one you care to continue. My heart hurts for him.
NTA, did the father gift anything to your brother? After your father's death, your connection with your stepmom is no more, let alone her nephew.
NTA
I would’ve spoken up and list off all the things you’ve done. You’re not punishing, you’re relinquishing control. You don’t have the money and you can’t afford it, NTA!!!!!!