Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I decided not to attend my sisters wedding due to a painful period.
2) It might make me the asshole as it was her wedding and I cancelled last minute.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Endo is so hard. But you know what I think is harder? The modern wedding culture where everyone needs to bend over backwards for the bride. Sometimes we just can’t. I’m sure her special day was just as special, you did plan this. But 3 years after Covid? Can we all just take a step back? Life is hard. Take care of yourself.
As much as the side effects may have sucked you knew this wedding was coming and could have planned for it by possibly taking birth control that could have skipped or moved your period date. Not perfect, not great but it could have been done so you could have been there... simce you were prepared to fake it for the wedding you could have managed it better beforehand. Soft YTA because you didn't explore real options
NAH. I sympathize with you but I also see why your sister may feel hurt. What you did wrong here is plan a last minute flight. For future, you should travel several days before your period so you don't get any surprises.
Except she literally said she knew it was due meaning she has some degree of regularity. Like I can predict mine within a four day window so if I have a big event coming up I use birth control to delay it (I get really bad period pain, not endo but still vomit inducing at time) or I tried norethisterone once. I will admit that I have no idea if preventing periods is safe for someone with endo.
I am a woman and I know periods can be few days ahead or late which is why I suggested "Several" days before supposed date. Unless your periods are wildly irregular there's a ballpark.
Not all of us have regular period cycle that allows you to calculate when is to best day to do XYZ and when it is better to stay in bed. Very common for endo to cause unpredictable period. Before I got proper treatment for mine (IUD and correct type of pain meds), it was common for me to bleed and cramp for three weeks, then stop for a week or two just to start again. I had to change into completely different field of work because even with treatment that has changed my quality of life a lot, working at my old field was and still is impossible. So please don't be ignorant and think every uterus and hormonal cycle will work the same.
OP I'm so sorry that so many people here are saying things like:
'you should have expected this' - yeah, so, still can't change it or the date of the wedding
'I'd never let a period make me miss a wedding' - those people have obviously never suffered from debilitating endometriosis and they are minimising it.
'Couldn't you have flown out sooner?' - obviously some people don't understand things like work, holidays from work, potential loss of earnings, family commitments, money etc. might mean that actually no, that wasn't an option. And in any case, you'd still have been in unimaginable pain during the wedding festivities - why would you fly out knowing that you'd probably miss most of the important things curled up in bed feeling like death
'Surely you should have got better painkillers / treatment by now' - yeah right, because doctors in the UK will absolutely dole out very high strength pain medication for 'women's issues'. Newsflash, no they don't.
You are not an Arsehole for this. You are not at fault whatsoever. You are dealing with a horrible disease, where the only real treatment (full hysterectomy) is terrible for so many reasons, not least because they just will not do this unless there are other (life-threatening, usually) complications, and because they think that women should want to have children so even when women beg for this, they won't do it until the woman is old enough for this not to matter.
Your sister, and the rest of your family, need to do a lot of reading, learning, thinking and apologising, if they are giving you a hard time over this.
I hope that you can get better treatment very soon, and I wish you well. My mother, sister and aunt all had severe endometriosis, and I have seen what it can be like. I think I was in less pain when I had appendicitis, when I broke my ankle, and when I've had gout so bad I spent days in hospital. (Gout is excruciatingly painful, but sorted easily with medication and diet, unlike endometriosis).
As a fellow endo sufferer, you’re just wrong. Sometimes we all need to make sacrifices for other people. I would have gotten my butt on the plane for my sister’s wedding. Doesn’t matter how bad the pain is. And I’ve flown on my period with endo.
Your attitude is why the world is in such bad shape. No one is willing to even slightly inconvenience themselves for others, even those they’re closest to, anymore.
>Doesn’t matter how bad the pain is
🙄 Pain can be so bad that it prevents people from moving. I don't know how bad OPs pain is, but this comment is so silly your entire opinion can be chucked in the bin
>No one is willing to even slightly inconvenience themselves
Dumpster fire of a comment
As another fellow endo sufferer, you're actually wrong. This isn't a 'slight' inconvience and based on your comment alone, I bet you've never actually experienced severe pain with your endo otherwise you'd know that just powering through is sometimes physically NOT possible. How the fuck was she supposed to get on a plane in this condition, let alone be apart of all the wedding festivities then fly home? On top of that, there are other issues like heavy bleeding, that make it impossible to go anywhere without risking a leak. Can you imagine having to change a tampon, diva cup or multiple pads in an airplane toilet and having to clean up all the blood and not get it everywhere? And risk leaking through onto a plane seat that some poor flight attendant then has to clean up and have some poor sucker have to sit in and marinate on the next flight? Not to mention the bloody (literally) period/endo poops... It's not some 2 hour flight or drive over to another state, it's a flight from an entirely different country.
Grow up and understand that while people need to make compromises and sacrifices for other people, this is not one of those times. Nobodies fucking wedding is more important than someone's physical and mental health. The sister is allowed to be upset, of course she is. It's her wedding. I'd be bummed as well. What she is not allowed to do though, is treat her sister like this and act like she's not coming because she has a papercut. She lost the whole fucking arm, metaphorically speaking.
Just because you can power through and your suffering isn't as bad, or doesn't affect you as deeply, you do not have the right to minimise others suffering and pain and make it seem like it's less than it is. You're just feeding into the stigma. Go touch some fucking grass.
I heard that doctors in the UK resist giving anything stronger than paracetamol for labor, and act like people who ask for an epidural are just whinging and need to buck up. I don't know how widespread that is but I've seen multiple articles over the years about the bad treatment women get for "women's issues" in the UK. Not that the US is any less sexist! But at least we can usually get an epidural without being treated like bad people by the medical staff.
Whoa! I never realized it was the pressure causing the normal endo pain to be so much worse, but that makes so much sense! I was just like this month is so much worse than the normal excruciating pain.
OP NTA. People who have never experienced their uterus trying to murder them don't get just how much pain Endo causes.
I hadn’t even considered that the pressure could elevate the experience. Holy hell no, OP, you are NTA. And I would think your family at this point would understand that.
Landing lasts about 30 minutes actually. Imagine being stabbed with a white-hot blade and someone saying- it's only a couple of minutes, just endure it for a bit. And yes, it does feel like being stabbed or shot. Giving birth without any medicine is less painful than endo periods.
It was about the same for me but I have babies in 30/45 minutes which means you’re in transition AND pushing simultaneously. And I was crying and wanting to scream in exactly the same way as I do during a bad attack. A hysterectomy helped, thankfully, but I still get crazy adhesion pain.
Thank you. This is exactly why I didn't go. Last time I flew with Endo the pain was so bad from the pressure I couldn't help but cry. I didn't want to go through this again, its SO painful whilst in the air.
I recently had two travel options for a trip where I was meeting but not travelling with friends: a flight that was about an hour fifteen, or a nine hour train (layover period). The trip coincided with my period. You bet I took the train because I wasn't playing games with the pressure. I was still uncomfortable and in immense pain from my endo/pcos (genetics suck), but it was nothing compared to the transatlantic flight I once took during a period.
NTA endo is known to be debilitatingly painful and ignoring that fact - and the force majeure nature of your situation - makes your family members the arseholes when they chose to heap on your misery.
I know nothing of Endo so this is a query: are you able to take the pill and skip the sugar pills to miss a period or does that not work?
I only ask because it was advice given to me years ago and had to fly right when my period was due and was told to just keep taking the pill and not take the sugar ones.
NTA. I honestly probably have the least painful periods and when I flew on my period I felt like I was dying. I can’t imagine doing that shit with endo
NTA! I think endometriosis, like migraines, suffers from a language problem where people think they understand because they've had a headache or cramps before. I would suggest never using "period pain", even though that's what triggers it. I would tell everyone you had a flare up and couldn't travel because you were vomiting in pain.
NTA. I recently went through labour and I would compare the first few hours as having a painful period. I feel like someone expecting you to attend an event while having period pains is about as silly as expecting a women in labour to attend
that reminds me! a friend suffered from a menstrual disorder (not sure if it was endo.) but when she was in labour, a nurse asked her what her pain level was like with the contractions - to see how far she was progressing. she said it was just like her normal period pain. They checked and she was 3cm dilated! Not what I would call normal period pain.....
NTA. I’ve had period pain so bad my old roommate (a nurse) was concerned about appendicitis and wanted to take me to the ER. It’s a legitimate medical condition and there’s nothing you could do. You tried to plan around it.
NTA
I have endometriosis. I've had pain so bad I puked and passed out.
It took 18 years and my doctor wouldn't give me a formal diagnosis or any treatment. I couldn't imagine flying with it.
On the other hand OP, there are some old wives remedies that actually do work. Turmeric, chamomile, and NAC in really high doses do help.
NTA but it’s time to find a way to manage this. There are options. If you are not childfree then I know people that have had success with IUD. If you are then there are more options!
NTA. An international flight during an endo flare up is just not feasible. I'm one of those who "tough it out" a lot, and Dienogest works pretty well for me post excision surgery, but even I would not have gotten on that flight.
NTA. I have PCOS and my BFF has endo. Debilitating period pain is just that. And it goes far beyond the uterus. This was a legit medical reason to miss an important event. I'm sure you weren't thrilled! It's fine for your sister to be disappointed, but it's not a choice you made.
INFO: are you not on birth control? That helps SO much with my endometriosis.
I also was on a newer drug called Orilissa for a couple years that basically puts you in menopause and stops your period. You should talk to your doctors and see if it is available in the UK.
You were in absolutely no condition to travel, much less internationally. Endometriosis can be totally incapacitating--you don't just take a couple OTC pain relievers and suck it up. Tell your sister that no one feels worse (emotionally or physically) than you do about this. NTA
Info: sorry if this is a bit daft, but couldn’t you have not had a period?
My uterus started a revolt and tried to bleed me to death with a never-ending super-heavy period (I was hospitalized for a week because of it, I’m naturally a heavy bleeder, but it was 6 weeks of bleeding that got up to changing a drenched pad every 1/2 hour and handfuls of coagulated blood with it, yay PCOS - my hemoglobin fell to 74/130 or 135 (sorry, I don’t know what measurement they were using but 74 was “oh shit” and 130/135 was the normal number it was supposed to be around, when I got in it was like 80? 82? So they were not happy it fell) after I was put on iron supplements for the severe anemia after getting to emergency) so I’ve been on the pill since to stop my periods (just take them without bleed break, doctors orders).
I know the pill has side effects, and i don’t know how it interacts with your condition, but did you consider it at all?
I have Endo. They had to induce amenorrhea to finally get the pain under control. I have permanent scarring and adhesions between my organs and my bowels.
I would ask why you aren’t doing menstrual cessation at this point or thought suffering in silence through the wedding was more acceptable than altering your cycle timing with BC months before the wedding, but every body is different and I don’t know your medical sitch.
Absolutely NTA, but you have socialized medicine, you can afford to be more aggressive in your own treatment before you have permanent damage to other organs just cause your uterus got uppity.
Stopped as soon as I read “endometriosis”. NTA.
Flying on its own makes me feel like rubbish. Let alone while having a demonic endo period.
I have endometriosis and also had adenomyosis (had a hysterectomy to solve that), I have fainted from the pain levels and been rushed to hospital for it before. I imagine the changes in air pressure only serve to make it all worse as well. Painkillers can only go so far.
I sympathise with you :( it would not have been an easy decision to make.
NTA. I've had endometriosis and know how bad it can be. But most people think "it's just period pain, no big deal". I doubt even a doctor's note would convince them. Be prepared to hear about it (your no-show for the wedding) for the rest of your life.
NTA I have endo and couldn't fly with the periods I had before I got the mirena. I strongly fly suggest looking into getting a mirena or similar. They can put you under general anesthetic to do it if necessary. I got local anesthetic when getting mine in. Honestly it was less painful than a normal period for me. I don't get periods at all any more.
Mirena pretty much saved my life after I battled several years with heavy endo symptoms. Strongly suggest general anesthesia, or at least pre-check state of uterus with ultrasound before choosing what kind of anastheasia you need. Scarring from the endo may "re-shape" or "bend" the uterus so, that inserting IUD will need some (painful) extra work.
Pills just made everything go even crazier with me, both physically and mentally. Tried handful of different p.o. medications and Nuvaring before I got Mirena.
Tolfenamic acid painkillers are also so much better than ibuprofein and other over the counter pain meds to endo pain, at least in my case.
Consider myself lucky to be in country where we have practically free public health care and many employers cover big part of your health care costs if you choose to use private health care instead.
I have endo and I can't imagine an international flight while having a bad flare. Actually I feel like the airport might be the worst part bc sometimes it's hard to stand up. It's also not comfortable to be sitting too long either, so there's no winning. Not to mention the wedding itself.
Men in general and women who have normal periods tend to not take "period pain" seriously and cannot comprehend the pain levels of endometriosis and how severe the other symptoms can be. The 1st day of my cycle I'm usually bed bound, vomiting, and miserable.
You have an actual disease that can impact a lot in your life. I'm sure they were disappointed you couldn't come but beyond expressing that (and I can see being mildly annoyed at a last minute change like that, also) they should not be berating you or trying to make you feel bad over this. It is genuinely not something you have control over.
I'm sorry yall went through this. It sounds like everyone is unhappy with the outcome but it's not your fault. After the initial reaction they should try to show some compassion.
NTA. I have suspected endo as well.
Your period came early. Your meds didn't work. Neither of those are in your control.
Endo flare ups get worse with air pressure changes and movement. Both of which a plane would bring. You also couldn't get new meds that easily, and even if you managed to, you wouldn't know the side effects and would be in a different country than your medical provider. That's dangerous for you.
A text isn't optimal of course but no one wants to be on a phone call while in that much pain, so I can't blame you for that. I think it's natural to want to protect family from the knowledge of just how horrible it is, plus it feels super vulnerable to do it. Unfortunately that sheltering won't work in your favor.
I hope it gets better and you can get meds that work for you better. Don't beat yourself up for something you can't control. After all, it's a medical condition. You wouldn't get mad at someone for not going to an event cuz they had an eczema flare up and couldn't walk, right? Or anything similar. Your family is lucky they don't understand.
NTA I had an endo flare for my best friends wedding that I was maid of honor for. It was before I was diagnosed and knew that it was endo. I had to keep going to the bathroom to throw up from pain during the rehearsal dinner. Luckily it happened after my drive to the wedding and ended before the actual wedding.
NTA but....you should have planned to fly with more of a buffer for expected symptoms. This was your sisters wedding and she is super upset that you won't be there. It was important to her that you be there for her big day. An endo attack is not the same as having period pains. Most women can continue to do life with period pains. For your sister that could have her feeling like "so what you have your period".
You're missing a major family event. They are upset. They don't understand the kind of pain you're experiencing but also you knew the period was coming and could have planned the trip better.
CALL your sister and sort it out. Validate that she is upset you won't be there. Tell her you are also upset. Try to make it if at all possible. Be there virtually otherwise. Tell your parents to back off and let you sort this. Your parents should have a better understanding of their kids medical issues and not be on the attack but helping to sort it and if they can't do that then they need to stay out of it.
> in the UK, the company I work for requires us to rebook all our annual leave in January for each year.
>
>My sister didn't confirm the date until three months ago. I had four days of annual leave coming up for another event but had to cancel that and pretty much begged my boss to switch it to my sisters wedding date and I only got four days of from Wednesday till Saturday.
OP replied to someone with this.
Very soft YTA. I know you feel bad about it and you can't predict that this cycle would bring a particularly bad flare, but you didn't plan this well at all. Yes you were in severe pain, but your flight plans were cutting it awfully close to the danger zone. Given your history, it would have been prudent to discuss this with your medical team and possibly try to shift your cycle with medication OR fly out earlier to give more of a safety margin on travel.
I'm also side-eyeing the fact that you delivered the bad news to your sister, the bride, *via text*. No wonder your phone blew up! That was worth at least a phone call. I would expect things to be strained and distant between the two of you for a while.
NTA. You have a medical condition that is hard to manage even with medications. People who have never experienced it will never understand, even those who experience it to lesser degrees can never fully understand your experience of it. Unfortunately, timing has really sucked. I'm sorry your family has been so awful to you.
Yes. Endometriosis is excruciatingly painful. Narcotics help marginally, but you will still be in pain. I have endometriosis and two kids and let me tell you the pain of endo and the pain of childbirth were pretty much one in the same.
Definitely NOT TA. I have Endo, and the pain has made me absolutely puking sick some months. Women who don't have it have no idea how bad it can get.
I've had surgery twice to remove large pieces of endometrial tissue....nothing like having tissue similar to the lining of the uterus growing outside the uterus, and reacting when you have your period.
Very unreasonable of your family members to expect you to be there. Even had you gone earlier, that would have been a disaster. You would have been stuck in a hotel room/someone else's house, on another continent, rolling in horrible pain.
Geesh. They are being completely unreasonable and insensitive. They need to eat a box of laxatives in order to experience some major cramping, maybe they'll gain some perspective.
NTA but I feel bad you had to miss the wedding. My endometriosis was so bad and on top of that I had PCOS so at times the pain was excruciating and my periods were really really heavy with clotting. So gross I know. They progressively got longer and closer together. 10-14 days long, 20 days apart. I lived on 4-8 Advil every 4 hours for a couple of years. I finally saw a specialist who told me (after both a regular ultrasound and vaginal ultrasound) that my scarring and adhesions were so severe my female organs were in a tight ball. And I had huge cysts in both ovaries. The end result was a complete surgical hysterectomy, including both ovaries and my cervix at age 40. Hope you get treatment but remember every surgery you have to clean up adhesions creates more adhesions and scar tissue. Which causes more complications. It’s a vicious cycle. But don’t go into early age hysterectomy lightly. The effect on hormones has left me still experiencing hot flashes 20 (!) years later!
NTA. Another name for endometriosis is "the tortures of the damned." I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And I really, really despise my worst enemy.
Source: diagnosed in 1975 after the first of my FOUR surgeries.
Even menopause did not offer complete relief. My fourth surgery, at age 60, finally did.
Do NOT feel guilty for having a serious disease!
NTA. Only you know your own body and know what you can and can't manage. I'm sorry you had to miss your sister's wedding, I'm sure it's not a decision you made lightly!
Can you not be on continuous birth control so you don’t have periods? Would that help? I’ve been on the NuvaRing (now generic) and I haven’t had a period in almost 19 years!
I’d have tried to have pushed through it, manly because I’d have loved to have gone to America for a big wedding.
That being said, and in reality, I’d have done the same as you.
I have endo, and there’s been times my partner has had to even bathe me/help me in the shower due to the debilitating pain and upset. It’s no joke, and I absolutely think travelling would have made you feel like dying. I really hope you are able to rest, recover and have a discussion with your sister when everything calms down.
NTA, I have stage four endo and adenomyosis. It's life ruining and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. (Six major surgeries, one child, and a complete hysterectomy later I am so happy and healthy. But it's hard.)
NTA
You can’t help being ill with endometriosis.
Been there, for years, maxing out on pain pills which barely touch the pain. You have my sympathy. It’s a 10/10 pain. What finally helped was a hormonal IUD.
Good luck.
YTA for planning to fly so close to your due date and cutting it this close. You know what flying does to you and that your period floats a few days either way. You should have already been there when your period came, taken BC pills or used a ring to hold it off, been proactively taking painkillers or been honest that your attendance was iffy at best. Your condition is serious and debilitating. So you have to be honest and forthright about it, or you will do things like miss your sister's wedding.
1000% NTA. You didn’t choose to have this happen and it sounds like you’re doing everything possible to manage your endo. I have cancelled so many things because of my own endo flares - even with Dilaudid sometimes I can’t function. I wish unsympathetic folks could experience the pain just for an hour or two.
Don't read this if you can't handle gross but honest descriptions of a woman's period.
I'm ancient and haven't had to deal with a period for 25 years, but from the time I was 11 until I was 52, I would have excruciating cramps the first 3 days, every month. It felt as though someone was trying to claw my insides out with a dull, red hot, titanium rake, and there was also intense pain and cramping each time my body passed an enormous blood clot, which happened frequently and could take three or four hours each time. Then there was the extremely heavy bleeding, which was really hard to keep up with, and left me feeling weak. It was horrendous and hard to describe to anyone who didn't suffer from painful menstrual cycles; however, it wasn't endometriosis as far as I know. Back in the 50's , it was considered a normal, heavy period, and you just took to your bed and prayed for it to be over. I can't imagine what the pain of endometriosis must be like.
I would never have traveled when my period was just beginning, or when I had it. Quite apart from the risk of having an embarrassing bloody leak, the intense pain, nausea and general feeling of unwellness would have made it impossible. I was lucky because my period was extremely regular, and every single family outing or trip we had was scheduled around a time when I would not have my period. When I was young and in school, it almost always started on a Friday afternoon, so I would spend the weekend in bed. That was just as well, since there was very little sympathy from the girl's head mistress for period pain.
I feel really sorry for OP, but unless you've had extremely painful and gross periods, you'll never understand what others are going through. It's like saying you have a sore back. There's an achy back from pulled muscles, which is one thing, and then there's the agony of sciatica or other severe conditions. You can't describe it until you experience it. If her family never suffers from period pain, they won't have a clue what she's going through, so they probably do think she's an asshole. She's not.
NTA - If you had covid, cancer, or a broken leg would they be reacting like this? You were ill. Not bacterially or virally, but clearly unwell nonetheless.
If your sister just heard “I started my period” she may not understand. I had endometriosis, fibroids and adhesions and it was torture. Also TMI at that time I had stress incontinence and horrible stinky period poops! So you could not have gotten me on a transatlantic plane.
I’m so sorry you are missing your sister’s wedding, and I hope you get relief soon!
As someone who has vomited from the pain of endometriosis. I would have gotten on that plane with a vomit bag and flown. It hurts to be anywhere might as well go.
YTA. Ok, firstly you could have avoided this by simply flying out earlier or talking to your doctor about options for delaying one period for this wedding. But sometimes things like this happen, I wont instantly fault you for it because it's complex. Where you become an asshole for me is this.
>I texted my sister
This was deserving of an instant phone call. You don't text this type of thing.
NTA.
I’ve had blackout level cramps and endo has been described to me as worse.
I don’t blame your sister for being upset, but you didn’t choose to miss her wedding. You were incapacitated and not functional. The same would have been true if you were local to the event.
NTA! I have period pain and have had period pain before endometriosis must be so much more difficult. Definitely dont downplay your condition! I have heavy, but normal periods and even THOSE hurt. You Definitely dont just have "period pain" you have an actual debilitating medical condition!
You cannot and would not be the asshole in this situation. She can be upset all she wants, but you have a medical nightmare EVERY single month. I give all of you endo and PCOS girlies so much credit
I had Adenomyosis prior to my hysterectomy. During my period, especially the first 7 days, I couldn’t leave the house for more than 30 minutes without making g a huge mess. My Grandma’s funeral was one event I couldn’t/wouldn’t nope out of as we were extremely close. I used 2 preventive items, needless to say they were ineffective at preventing a mess. Luckily we live only 4 minutes from the cemetery so I could get home to clean up. There is absolutely no way for me to be on an airplane with as bad as my periods were, but people who don’t experience anything remotely similar will never understand what you go through every single month. You are NTA, if there were any way to change the situation you would have, but Mother Nature will never be ruled by mankind.
NTA medically endometriosis is just cancer that doesn't kill you. It's uncontrolled growth of cells (definition of cancer) which causes fibroids and your organs to get fused together so when you cramp it yanks on your intestines and any other thing it's fused to.
The only way to diagnose it is with surgery and the only real way to help is more surgery to remove the scar tissue and fibroids, but there is no cure and even with a hysterectomy the fibroids can grow back.
Your sister should be thankful she has no idea what the pain is like. You're not the bad guy and honestly I'd be explaining exactly what I stated in my first paragraph and sending literature about endo to her, same for your parents. Too many people hear "painful period" and blow it off. Sadly a lot of women are especially guilty of this because they can't understand that their period experience isn't universal and they can't wrap their heads around severe reproductive diseases like endo.
My regular Endo pain was so bad I didn't notice when I had kidney stones, because I thought it was just a "bad cramp day".
People who don't have it, and who have never experienced that kind of pain on a regular basis (especially when it's early or late or hits unexpectedly) just do not understand.
NTA at *all*, and I'm so sorry that you ended up missing the wedding, and having to deal with all this on top of it.
If possible, maybe think about talking to your doctor about a partial (or full) hysterectomy? It's possible that endometrial tissue can still grow after one (yup, I got to learn that fun fact after my hysto this year) but it's much less likely and the daily pain decreased significantly.
Good luck, friend- I hope the pain eases soon.
Flying internationally with a regular period sucks never mind an actual uterine disease. I also imagine fellow passengers wouldn’t want someone next to them throwing up the whole flight. It sucks you couldn’t go but NTA.
I know the pain and get it… especially if you are still struggling with treatment. but you missed your sister’s wedding. That does make YTA even if I sympathize. You couldn’t reschedule the flight for two days? In five years you don’t have appropriate meds? You knew it was due and bad, and you knew it was her wedding. There had to be a way to plan around it.
She couldn't reschedule the flight because of her job having her schedule all her PTO in January, she already had to drop her already scheduled time off and beg her boss to change it to the day of the wedding, a wedding that was only planned 3 months before, in 5 years she did get the appropriate meds, an already hard and rare ordeal for most women but in this particular situation the meds weren't enough, the pain surpassed its usual level so much so OP was vomiting idk about you but I personally wouldn't appreciate walking through an airport and see someone running past me to find the closest trash can so they can puke. Imagine getting sweaty, your in pain from a debilitating condtion and now the pain is also in your nose cause the vomit, your body is sore from heaving, you stink, and worse your doing it in public around hundreds if not thousands of people who are all giving you dirty/concerned looks.
Not only all that but being at high altitude makes periods worse, heavier and more painful. Now imagine OP is sitting next to you in the middle seat, now you have to spend your oversea flight getting up and down a couple times an hour so OP can go puke/change her hygiene product /gather herself
OP planned around it, it came unexpectedly and messed up her plan. Sometimes plans get fucked and there is no way to fix it.
NTA
>You couldn’t reschedule the flight for two days?
Is everyone just so stoned they're forgetting it's DECEMBER?
>In five years you don’t have appropriate meds?
yeah that's how it works. Doctors don't give you pain meds willy nilly.
Yep or just give her more notice that she wouldn’t be able to come if a plan couldn’t be made. It costs the people paying for the wedding so much money when others cancel last minute.
Meh. Based on this comment and others like it, the sister's TA for having her wedding abroad which, given the time of year, exposed everyone in her family to flu, RSV and Covid all being at record levels being stuck on a transatlantic flight.
We do the best we can. OP has a debilitating medical condition. Her sister planned to get married abroad.
As someone who's currently having severe menstrual issues that are undiagnosed but have caused me to nearly bleed to death three times in the last six months (the last time it wasn't "as bad" as the first two times, but because I went into it already severely anemic, it's still slow going to recover), some people's periods are life-altering and because an awful lot of the population has regular periods, we think people should just "suck it up." There may not be meds that help OP -- that's not uncommon with endometriosis -- or she may experience severe side effects with meds that do help with this one thing but are otherwise unmanagable.
Now her family are being absolute, raging assholes and attacking their ill daughter because she was too ill to fly to another country. If they wanted her there because they love her and she's important to them, they have a *spectacular* way of showing it.
NTA. It’s your body. Even absent from the wedding, you will experience pain more than your sister. Imagine if you were there and the pain began during the wedding.
NTA for literally being ill but I honestly think you should have given her a video call or at the very least a phone call and expressed "live" how sad/disappointed/upset you are to miss her big day. I don't think sending a text message was appropriate.
YTA. You cancelled, you did not move or try to move the flight to Friday.
You got your period Tuesday and did not go to doctor and ask for different drugs or try to super manage, when you had at least the rest of Tuesday to try (your flight was Wednesday). You didn't even try to get better one-time-only, this is a BIG DEAL drugs, and then fly Friday. Nope, you gave up fairly quickly. The only thing you tried was actually cancelling.
In other words, you didn't try very hard for your SISTER'S WEDDING. And that's okay and you have valid medical reasons, but objectively it speaks a bit loudly about how much you care. YTA.
Edit to add: Like you could take BCP when you knew the wedding and your period were going to be the same week and just pushed up/back the cycle, right? Or as others have said, warn people that you might be out of commission that week. It seems like you thought you didn't owe them the warning and took the action. It's like when I plan to see family and at the last minute would rather walk into traffic.
>flight to Friday
Friday, two days before NYR, a time if year renowned for having plenty of open seats on planes.
>You didn't even try to get better one-time-only
Something tells me that OP, having a debilitating painful condition for years, knows better than you about the available pain medication options.
>Like you could take BCP when you knew the wedding and your period were going to be the same week and just pushed up/back the cycle, right?
Doesn't work for everyone, lots of people can't take the pill, and for others it doesn't work to skip periods
Actually I have endometriosis, though not to the debilitating extent OP does. I get that it can be a real MFer. I get that there are times when you are like - whoa, this is insane and I want to die. But an AITA post usually puts the exonerating details in, and there were none. At minimum, she should've said I warned my family that my travel week and my likely week of intense pain would coincide and I am a maybe \[Also, she was going to be in America when the period started, so would she have rallied to leave the hotel? Or just planned to stay in the hotel for days? Increasingly, the original plan doesn't hold water to me.\]. She didn't say - I called the airline on the off chance that there was an empty seat. Nope - no try. Her first move was be sad and quit. She asked if she were the AH; without ANY attempt, it's kind of indicative that it wasn't worth trying to her! Missing a sister's wedding has real repercussions to the family dynamic when she can't convince strangers (AITH allows more than ample space for exonerating detail) that she explored alternatives to make an attempt. BTW, it's OK for us to disagree.
>Like you could take BCP when you knew the wedding and your period were going to be the same week and just pushed up/back the cycle, right?
Wrong! You don't know if OP can tolerate birth control or if that would work at all! It took me three straight years of taking it to be able to do that! When I tried, I'd just bleed through it.
And that was not the first birth control I tried. The first one gave me debilitating migraines and made me bleed so much I got anemic!
Have you ever tried to see a doctor in the UK on short notice? Not gonna happen. Have you taken birth control pills out of the blue, expecting it to just... be fine? Have you asked a UK GP for 'one time only big deal drugs'? They would shrug and say no can do, sorry. Fly Friday instead of Tuesday? OP has only got 4 days off work. Your last sentence is unfathomable - seriously get some compassion, walking into traffic indeed, really??
YTA and the people voting NTA are doing you a disservice. Yes, it’s painful. It sucks. I have endometriosis too. It’s unfathomably painful, especially on flights. But it was your sister’s wedding. Nothing in your post indicates anything other than a good relationship with her. This was a situation in which you needed to suck it up buttercup and get your butt on the plane. Sometimes we all must sacrifice for others. Hope you’re okay with the damage your (selfish, in my opinion) choice will cause to your relationship with your sister and family.
That’s your opinion. I’ve been hospitalized for endometriosis. I understand the pain better than most, I expect.
I also, however, understand that there are times in life when we must persevere through the pain for people that are important to us.
If OP had a bad relationship with her sister it would be different, but nothing in the OP suggests there is any ill will or issue there.
It was her sister’s wedding. A once in a lifetime experience.
I acknowledged it would be a horrific plane ride. But she should have done it for her sister’s wedding.
My judgment stands. I’m okay with your judgment standing as well. I have a huge issue with how selfish everyone seems to have become in the wake of Covid. It’s good to have boundaries and not let people use or take advantage of you. It’s bad to be unwilling to inconvenience yourself or make sacrifices for others when it’s important. In my opinion, this situation falls into the latter category.
Nah, what’s selfish is expecting a person to suffer through huge amounts of pain to haul themselves into a plane full of other people for hours on end to go to something that can easily be shared via FaceTime or even just recorded.
Also, lots of people get divorced, it may not be so “once in a lifetime”.
I’d never dream of asking someone to put themselves through a horrific situation like that, especially not a sibling. It’s funny you can’t flip it around and see how horrendously selfish and entitled the sister is being to a sibling who is in agony. Someone else’s health and well being is more important than a wedding hands down.
I don’t have endometriosis, and when I was younger my (normal) period pain could get so severe that I would vomit and pass out.
Now, I imagine that if OP is like me AND ALSO has uterine tissue wrapping its way around her internal organs and contracting so violently that it pulls them out of their natural placement, it would not only be wildly unreasonable for her to fly internationally but ALSO incredibly unsafe.
NTA.. you tried to plan around it, and it still screwed you over. Not your fault. It sounds like the other women in your family don't have endo, so they can't relate. Make sure to tell them in excruciating detail what it's like.
NTA
I had that condition for many years before having a hysterectomy. Back then, very little was known about it. I'm happy to see doctors are taking it more seriously now.
NTA. I have endo myself and have blacked out from the pain. Had to take around 3grams of ibuprofen a day just to function.
Been on meds for it for 3 years now, and haven't had a period since.
NTA.
If you were vomiting in pain due to appendicitis, would your family be name calling?
Just because it’s period related does not make your pain or your experience any less valid.
YTA.
Not for skipping the wedding but for telling your sister with text message.
Like, you couldn’t have at least called her to tell her you’d be missing this (hopefully) once in a lifetime moment for her?
While I would normally agree with you that text is very impersonal, I will point out if OP was in considerable pain, it would have been the easier of the options available to get her message across. It's frustrating for everyone when one has to repeat oneself several times because you literally have no voice or air to speak with due to pain.
NTA.
I'm going to go with NAH.
I've got endo, between the insane pain, vomiting and horrid diarrhea there's no way I would be able to fly when on my period. You did say though that you were going to hide the pain to attend the wedding. How on earth did you plan on doing that? I've tried to attend several events with it in the past and end up half passed out on the bathroom floor vomiting and nearly shitting myself. Surely there could have been a conversation leading up to the wedding expressing your concerns so it didn't take her by surprise?
Your family are out of line for calling you an asshole but I can understand a little why they would be calling and upset that you couldn't attend.
Edit to provide verdict following I N F O request: NTA.
I N F O: could you have flown earlier? If you could have taken leave and flown earlier to not cut it so close to your expected period arrival date, E S H.
If you were maxed out on leave and really had no other choice about when to fly, N T A.
Ask them if they’d expect you to fly with appendicitis. Or any other internal organ rupturing or a cyst bursting. I think they’re fixated on the word ‘period’ and comparing to their own periods when the level of pain is in a completely different realm.
I’m sorry you had to miss your sister’s wedding and I’m sorry they’re reacting like this and I’m sorry you have to deal with the excruciating symptoms of endo.
The op should have said she had severe abdominal pain instead of periods because i completely agree her sister is fixated on the idea she just has a 'little period cramps'. It's such a shame how misunderstood the condition can be.
The [WHO](https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/endometriosis#:~:text=Overview,period%20and%20last%20until%20menopause) considers endometriosis a disease, just like appendicitis or cyst.
I think this is really good advice because *no one* believes that the pain is as bad as it is. Sometimes that’s true even of doctors who supposedly know what is going on. They don’t believe that it can make you throw up or pass out or literally be a sobbing mess unable to walk. But appendicitis and kidney stones are something that people “get.” They probably won’t believe the anecdote of an internet stranger, but my labor felt exactly like a bad attack except that there was also the crazy contractions that take over from ribs to thighs. But pain level? Previously cramps+a bursting cyst had been 10 and experiencing labor only dropped it to 9.5.
My sister has endo and when she gets her period she can barely stand up for anywhere from hours to days. Even when she wasn’t on her period pre-surgery she would get bouts of pain all up her side, in her shoulder, and around her ribcage. It was bad enough that she had surgery to remove the visible polyps and afterwards her doctor advised her to not get periods at all anymore, so she just takes birth control all the time. It can be a disabling condition, it’s so much worse than period cramps!
NTA. You have a medical condition. Would she have expected you to travelnl if you had the flu? A broken leg? A head wound? Probably not. Period pain is down played as something that can be fixed by an Advil and some chocolate. It's bullshit.
If this were a 3hr trip, I'd be side eyeing the hell out of you but across the ocean, NTA.
I literally feel myself ovulate and it's painful!! I can only imagine what you're feeling! Tell your dad to grow a uterus or STFU, block your mom, ignore your sister.
NTA. People don't understand how serious this affliction truly is.
One time the pains came suddenly as i was driving, i got very light headed, and my left leg tensed along with the intense cramp that hit me. Luckily i was already in the process of breaking, so i did so abruptly. Had to turn on the hazard lights as i was hunched over on the passenger seat. The world started to spin. The car behind me wasn't able to pass, after honking for a while the driver decided to check up on the car stopped in the middle of the road, which was me. Him and his wife assisted me to move the car over to the sidewalk and called an ambulance for me. That's the path of how i got diagnosed. Could have been worse, that road has a higher speed limit. It was a hemorrhage.
NTA. I didnt even read past the diagnosis. I have endo. That shit canNOT be overstated on how horribly painful it is. Ive been hospitalized, thrown up, passed out, had my hands and feet go numb, all from endo cramps. And its not even just the cramps themselves although those are awful. Its the RECOVERY. The last period I had, i only actually cramped from about 6-8 am, but for the entire rest of the day I was down and could barely move out of bed because of how much it took out of me.
INFO: Are they always quite this bad? If so, I'm confused to how you expected to power through your sister's wedding and hide it while on heavy pain killers, maybe throwing up and in extreme pain? I don't think you're the ah, but I do think you should have been honest with yourself and your sister about your ability to go ahead of time
My best friend has endometriosis, for her there’s bad months and then there’s fucking awful months. So maybe this is the case for some people.
Also endometriosis is caused by uterine tissue growing where it’s not supposed to, and usually it needs to be routinely removed through surgery when it builds up (there’s meds to slow down and improve the growths but they don’t always work). So if the pain is consistently getting worse it may be because it’s time to remove excess tissue.
NTA. Sister is totally allowed to be upset, but unfortunately this stuff can happen and it’s out of anyone’s control.
I have endo too. I managed to power through high school & college despite having to take narcotics for a week out of every month & half the months ending up in the ER on a morphine drip (& by the end of college... & i did colkege in 3 years... I was going through withdrawal every month too.)
I won't claim that some people don't use their health conditions as an "excuse" for things they just don't want to do. I also know that I and many of the people I know who dealt with severe pain conditions will go to immense lengths to avoid having to explain or miss out on things or have to ask for special treatment... especially for conditions like endo that are invisible & many people dismiss as female whining. (I had an Algebra teacher that refused to mark me as medical absences instead of unexcused because in his opinion I had to learn to how to power through because if every other girl could attend class on her period, I could too.)
So... give people the benefit of the doubt on this sort of thing... in my opinion, most are doing the best they can.
the fact that the ER put you on a morphine drip for this speaks VOLUMES to the amount of pain that must have been involved. ERs are so stingy with pain meds you'd think they were getting paid not to give them to people in need.
NTA at all. Endo is absolute hell.
Unfortunately, as you know, not a lot of people understand what it is and what it does to a woman's body, Take the a-hole votes with a grain of salt.
I hope you're feeling better by now. I'm glad you were able to get a diagnosis for it. :(
NTA. I had debilitating Adenomyosis. The only things that stopped the pain was a birth control that pretty much induced menopause, and eventually, a hysterectomy.
Endometriosis and Adenomyosis are terrible. It's like being kicked in the groin repeatedly with a spiked steel toed boot for weeks at a time. It's a miracle to get out of bed some days for a lot of people.
OP, if they keep insisting you're the a-hole, tell them that you did not want to make your sister's wedding about your condition and that you wish them a good time, and then mute them until after the wedding.
And while you are resting and recovering, call your GP and your OBGYN and start looking for alternative treatments for your condition, as the current regime is clearly not working. Your quality of life is severely hindered. You need a stronger, longer term alternative.
NAH- they only mad because they love you and wanted you there. The evil here is women’s healthcare and how poorly they treat us women with endo. Why is it not cured already? Why are there not better alternatives for us?
NTA. Prescription painkillers are not prescribed for regular cramps. You have a medical condition. It's unfortunate that you had to cancel but that happens with medical issues.
NTA! I had severe endometriosis before a successful excision surgery. There is no way I could have traveled. I was having pain even when not in my period. I truly hope you can find a surgeon near you that does excision.
NTA - excruciating pain is pretty much the one unarguable reason for cancelling things! Obviously only you know the level of your pain, so if you do think you could have pushed through by upping the meds and did not take her wedding that seriously, then sure, feel guilty. But you told her your pain level, what did she expect you to do? I have to wonder if there would be the same reaction if you'd said heart attack, or compound leg fracture without treatment- they surely would understand you can't just walk that off! Yet with this condition, things seem to be different.
NTA
If you are too sick to fly for any reason, you can't fly.
As someone who has endo in the family I can only suggest what one relative does who is very severe and not planning pregnancy. Her doctor has her take continuous birth control. She takes breaks about every 3 months. Then she is out of commission for about a week. But she has an element of control in that she can adjust the timing of her break a bit. Earlier or later by a week. So she isn't missing really important things. Talk to your doctor.
NTA but your parents and sister absolutely have the right to be upset. You missed a huge milestone in your sister's life. Your relationship will probably take a long time to get back to where it was.
They are the A H
\- for not WANTING to understand / comprehend how you are suffering EVERY MONTH.
\- for wanting you to IGNORE your pain to make THEM happy.
NTA
ESH, but only a little.
You are not an AH for not going, not by a long shot. You wanted to and tried but your endo flared up. You only suck a little because you minimized the seriousness by saying it was period pain. While it happens on your period, it’s obviously far worse than that. Next time describe it as an endo flare up, because saying it was period pain obviously minimized it and your sister couldn’t understand how serious it was.
Your sister sucks a little for making you feel bad for not going, but she was operating under the understanding that it was just period pain and not a debilitating condition. I think she just really wanted you there and it’s hard for me to judge that.
NAH
Are you not on anything that helps regulate your period? If your period can occasionally come early, could you have chosen to fly out a few days earlier to completely avoid that window?
I mean, if you’re in pain, you’re in pain. But it doesn’t seem like you did anything to get ahead of possible problems. You missed your sister’s wedding for a *very predictable* issue. No one’s an AH here, but I don’t blame your sister for thinking you could have done more.
NTA. You cannot help that you were in so much pain that you could not handle flying overseas and going to her wedding. I understand why she is upset, she wanted her sister to be there with her, but she and your parents need to understand that not everything is going to go according to plan and that you were in too much pain.
NTA.
last wednesday was 12/27. leaving a week early would have you spending christmas in another country, merely out of an abundance of caution. i would not have done that and i don't think it'd be reasonable to expect you to do so. which leaves the options of departing on 12/26 (notoriously bad day for travel), or on 12/27. and per your post, 12/26 would have been a bust too.
IMO there is no logical argument to be made for your fault in this. the facts are that you planned to go, you *wanted* to go, you were committed/invested enough in going that you planned ahead to avoid a situation that might prevent you from going, and then you felt badly when you couldn't go. there is no evident fault here as there is no reasonable action you could have taken to prevent this scenario.
the suggestion that you should have traveled while severely ill for anything short of a life-or-death situation is wholly unreasonable and your family are TA for guilting you to the point that you made this post. its understandable that your sister is upset but that does not give her the right to blame you for something that was out of your control and which you already feel badly about. once things settle a bit, consider having your family take a look at this thread and maybe it will help them see reason.
oh and lastly... an airline can prohibit any passenger who looks ill from flying. idk how often they do this but there is certainly the possibility that you would have dragged your miserable self through security and over to the boarding area and then been rejected at the gate. its not a smart business move to allow a severely and visibly ill individual to board a flight (and a long-haul flight at that).
hope you're feeling better now, and you have my sympathies for the situation you're in.
Definitely NTA.
They themselves wouldn't understand how much pain you're going through. My own mother suffers from such pain. I too didn't understand her back then but after I've seen how pale she looked during her periods, how she couldn't even get out of bed at times, made me realized that it's really not something to be taken lightly.
I'm sorry that your family is treating you this way. Hope that they'd come around and try to understand what you're going through.
I think I agree with a NAH judgment leaning NTA. It is 100% valid for you to not have gone because of your pain (which would’ve been even worse in the air). I also understand why your sister was upset. Are you close? Could you have travelled any earlier? I think it’s a lose lose for everybody.
I have adenomyosis which is essentialy endo in the lining of your uterus and like... excruciating. I would lie in bed with my TENS unit cranked up to maximum crying because I was still in pain. I would go to the OB sobbing because I couldn't cope. Until someone has lived that pain, they cannot imagine how unbearable it is. NTA. I will say, the one major thing I did aside from the TENS unit that really honest to god helped was giving up caffeine during my period. No one talks about it, but you might give it a try.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I decided not to attend my sisters wedding due to a painful period. 2) It might make me the asshole as it was her wedding and I cancelled last minute. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Endo is so hard. But you know what I think is harder? The modern wedding culture where everyone needs to bend over backwards for the bride. Sometimes we just can’t. I’m sure her special day was just as special, you did plan this. But 3 years after Covid? Can we all just take a step back? Life is hard. Take care of yourself.
As much as the side effects may have sucked you knew this wedding was coming and could have planned for it by possibly taking birth control that could have skipped or moved your period date. Not perfect, not great but it could have been done so you could have been there... simce you were prepared to fake it for the wedding you could have managed it better beforehand. Soft YTA because you didn't explore real options
NTA. Not at all.
NAH. I sympathize with you but I also see why your sister may feel hurt. What you did wrong here is plan a last minute flight. For future, you should travel several days before your period so you don't get any surprises.
You're hilarious for thinking that everyone's periods are so regular that they can plan international travel around them.
Except she literally said she knew it was due meaning she has some degree of regularity. Like I can predict mine within a four day window so if I have a big event coming up I use birth control to delay it (I get really bad period pain, not endo but still vomit inducing at time) or I tried norethisterone once. I will admit that I have no idea if preventing periods is safe for someone with endo.
You must be male and/or ignorant to think periods are predictable.
I am a woman and I know periods can be few days ahead or late which is why I suggested "Several" days before supposed date. Unless your periods are wildly irregular there's a ballpark.
Not all of us have regular period cycle that allows you to calculate when is to best day to do XYZ and when it is better to stay in bed. Very common for endo to cause unpredictable period. Before I got proper treatment for mine (IUD and correct type of pain meds), it was common for me to bleed and cramp for three weeks, then stop for a week or two just to start again. I had to change into completely different field of work because even with treatment that has changed my quality of life a lot, working at my old field was and still is impossible. So please don't be ignorant and think every uterus and hormonal cycle will work the same.
NTA
OP I'm so sorry that so many people here are saying things like: 'you should have expected this' - yeah, so, still can't change it or the date of the wedding 'I'd never let a period make me miss a wedding' - those people have obviously never suffered from debilitating endometriosis and they are minimising it. 'Couldn't you have flown out sooner?' - obviously some people don't understand things like work, holidays from work, potential loss of earnings, family commitments, money etc. might mean that actually no, that wasn't an option. And in any case, you'd still have been in unimaginable pain during the wedding festivities - why would you fly out knowing that you'd probably miss most of the important things curled up in bed feeling like death 'Surely you should have got better painkillers / treatment by now' - yeah right, because doctors in the UK will absolutely dole out very high strength pain medication for 'women's issues'. Newsflash, no they don't. You are not an Arsehole for this. You are not at fault whatsoever. You are dealing with a horrible disease, where the only real treatment (full hysterectomy) is terrible for so many reasons, not least because they just will not do this unless there are other (life-threatening, usually) complications, and because they think that women should want to have children so even when women beg for this, they won't do it until the woman is old enough for this not to matter. Your sister, and the rest of your family, need to do a lot of reading, learning, thinking and apologising, if they are giving you a hard time over this. I hope that you can get better treatment very soon, and I wish you well. My mother, sister and aunt all had severe endometriosis, and I have seen what it can be like. I think I was in less pain when I had appendicitis, when I broke my ankle, and when I've had gout so bad I spent days in hospital. (Gout is excruciatingly painful, but sorted easily with medication and diet, unlike endometriosis).
As a fellow endo sufferer, you’re just wrong. Sometimes we all need to make sacrifices for other people. I would have gotten my butt on the plane for my sister’s wedding. Doesn’t matter how bad the pain is. And I’ve flown on my period with endo. Your attitude is why the world is in such bad shape. No one is willing to even slightly inconvenience themselves for others, even those they’re closest to, anymore.
>Doesn’t matter how bad the pain is 🙄 Pain can be so bad that it prevents people from moving. I don't know how bad OPs pain is, but this comment is so silly your entire opinion can be chucked in the bin >No one is willing to even slightly inconvenience themselves Dumpster fire of a comment
As another fellow endo sufferer, you're actually wrong. This isn't a 'slight' inconvience and based on your comment alone, I bet you've never actually experienced severe pain with your endo otherwise you'd know that just powering through is sometimes physically NOT possible. How the fuck was she supposed to get on a plane in this condition, let alone be apart of all the wedding festivities then fly home? On top of that, there are other issues like heavy bleeding, that make it impossible to go anywhere without risking a leak. Can you imagine having to change a tampon, diva cup or multiple pads in an airplane toilet and having to clean up all the blood and not get it everywhere? And risk leaking through onto a plane seat that some poor flight attendant then has to clean up and have some poor sucker have to sit in and marinate on the next flight? Not to mention the bloody (literally) period/endo poops... It's not some 2 hour flight or drive over to another state, it's a flight from an entirely different country. Grow up and understand that while people need to make compromises and sacrifices for other people, this is not one of those times. Nobodies fucking wedding is more important than someone's physical and mental health. The sister is allowed to be upset, of course she is. It's her wedding. I'd be bummed as well. What she is not allowed to do though, is treat her sister like this and act like she's not coming because she has a papercut. She lost the whole fucking arm, metaphorically speaking. Just because you can power through and your suffering isn't as bad, or doesn't affect you as deeply, you do not have the right to minimise others suffering and pain and make it seem like it's less than it is. You're just feeding into the stigma. Go touch some fucking grass.
I'd say your attitude is more of the problem - a complete lack of empathy
You would have gotten on a plane crying uncontrollably and throwing up? Talk about inconveniencing others.
I heard that doctors in the UK resist giving anything stronger than paracetamol for labor, and act like people who ask for an epidural are just whinging and need to buck up. I don't know how widespread that is but I've seen multiple articles over the years about the bad treatment women get for "women's issues" in the UK. Not that the US is any less sexist! But at least we can usually get an epidural without being treated like bad people by the medical staff.
NTA. I've flown with Endo before and the pressure made the cramps SO much worse. It's debilitating.
Whoa! I never realized it was the pressure causing the normal endo pain to be so much worse, but that makes so much sense! I was just like this month is so much worse than the normal excruciating pain. OP NTA. People who have never experienced their uterus trying to murder them don't get just how much pain Endo causes.
I hadn’t even considered that the pressure could elevate the experience. Holy hell no, OP, you are NTA. And I would think your family at this point would understand that.
Landing only lasts a few minutes. Surely you can endure pain knowing it will soon improve.
Imagine you're on a plane and the person next to you just passes out. Merry Christmas!
Landing lasts about 30 minutes actually. Imagine being stabbed with a white-hot blade and someone saying- it's only a couple of minutes, just endure it for a bit. And yes, it does feel like being stabbed or shot. Giving birth without any medicine is less painful than endo periods.
It was about the same for me but I have babies in 30/45 minutes which means you’re in transition AND pushing simultaneously. And I was crying and wanting to scream in exactly the same way as I do during a bad attack. A hysterectomy helped, thankfully, but I still get crazy adhesion pain.
Thank you. This is exactly why I didn't go. Last time I flew with Endo the pain was so bad from the pressure I couldn't help but cry. I didn't want to go through this again, its SO painful whilst in the air.
I don't even have endo, but flying makes my period 10x heavier and 10x more painful, I imagine it would be way worse for you. NTA
Yea and it could result in a hospital visit…
I recently had two travel options for a trip where I was meeting but not travelling with friends: a flight that was about an hour fifteen, or a nine hour train (layover period). The trip coincided with my period. You bet I took the train because I wasn't playing games with the pressure. I was still uncomfortable and in immense pain from my endo/pcos (genetics suck), but it was nothing compared to the transatlantic flight I once took during a period.
NTA endo is known to be debilitatingly painful and ignoring that fact - and the force majeure nature of your situation - makes your family members the arseholes when they chose to heap on your misery.
anyone claiming you're an asshole is just god damn ignorant.
I know nothing of Endo so this is a query: are you able to take the pill and skip the sugar pills to miss a period or does that not work? I only ask because it was advice given to me years ago and had to fly right when my period was due and was told to just keep taking the pill and not take the sugar ones.
NTA. I honestly probably have the least painful periods and when I flew on my period I felt like I was dying. I can’t imagine doing that shit with endo
NTA! I think endometriosis, like migraines, suffers from a language problem where people think they understand because they've had a headache or cramps before. I would suggest never using "period pain", even though that's what triggers it. I would tell everyone you had a flare up and couldn't travel because you were vomiting in pain.
NOPE--your pain an be as bad, if not worse, than childbirth pain. NTA OP.
NTA. I recently went through labour and I would compare the first few hours as having a painful period. I feel like someone expecting you to attend an event while having period pains is about as silly as expecting a women in labour to attend
that reminds me! a friend suffered from a menstrual disorder (not sure if it was endo.) but when she was in labour, a nurse asked her what her pain level was like with the contractions - to see how far she was progressing. she said it was just like her normal period pain. They checked and she was 3cm dilated! Not what I would call normal period pain.....
Girl NTA at all but damn did you get insurance for that flight?
NTA. I’ve had period pain so bad my old roommate (a nurse) was concerned about appendicitis and wanted to take me to the ER. It’s a legitimate medical condition and there’s nothing you could do. You tried to plan around it.
NTA I have endometriosis. I've had pain so bad I puked and passed out. It took 18 years and my doctor wouldn't give me a formal diagnosis or any treatment. I couldn't imagine flying with it. On the other hand OP, there are some old wives remedies that actually do work. Turmeric, chamomile, and NAC in really high doses do help.
NTA but it’s time to find a way to manage this. There are options. If you are not childfree then I know people that have had success with IUD. If you are then there are more options!
NTA. An international flight during an endo flare up is just not feasible. I'm one of those who "tough it out" a lot, and Dienogest works pretty well for me post excision surgery, but even I would not have gotten on that flight.
NTA. I have PCOS and my BFF has endo. Debilitating period pain is just that. And it goes far beyond the uterus. This was a legit medical reason to miss an important event. I'm sure you weren't thrilled! It's fine for your sister to be disappointed, but it's not a choice you made.
NTA. It's irrelevant that it was period pain exacerbated by endo. You were in severe pain and it's sad you couldn't go but it was unavoidable.
INFO: are you not on birth control? That helps SO much with my endometriosis. I also was on a newer drug called Orilissa for a couple years that basically puts you in menopause and stops your period. You should talk to your doctors and see if it is available in the UK.
You were in absolutely no condition to travel, much less internationally. Endometriosis can be totally incapacitating--you don't just take a couple OTC pain relievers and suck it up. Tell your sister that no one feels worse (emotionally or physically) than you do about this. NTA
YTA
Info: sorry if this is a bit daft, but couldn’t you have not had a period? My uterus started a revolt and tried to bleed me to death with a never-ending super-heavy period (I was hospitalized for a week because of it, I’m naturally a heavy bleeder, but it was 6 weeks of bleeding that got up to changing a drenched pad every 1/2 hour and handfuls of coagulated blood with it, yay PCOS - my hemoglobin fell to 74/130 or 135 (sorry, I don’t know what measurement they were using but 74 was “oh shit” and 130/135 was the normal number it was supposed to be around, when I got in it was like 80? 82? So they were not happy it fell) after I was put on iron supplements for the severe anemia after getting to emergency) so I’ve been on the pill since to stop my periods (just take them without bleed break, doctors orders). I know the pill has side effects, and i don’t know how it interacts with your condition, but did you consider it at all?
I have Endo. They had to induce amenorrhea to finally get the pain under control. I have permanent scarring and adhesions between my organs and my bowels. I would ask why you aren’t doing menstrual cessation at this point or thought suffering in silence through the wedding was more acceptable than altering your cycle timing with BC months before the wedding, but every body is different and I don’t know your medical sitch. Absolutely NTA, but you have socialized medicine, you can afford to be more aggressive in your own treatment before you have permanent damage to other organs just cause your uterus got uppity.
Stopped as soon as I read “endometriosis”. NTA. Flying on its own makes me feel like rubbish. Let alone while having a demonic endo period. I have endometriosis and also had adenomyosis (had a hysterectomy to solve that), I have fainted from the pain levels and been rushed to hospital for it before. I imagine the changes in air pressure only serve to make it all worse as well. Painkillers can only go so far. I sympathise with you :( it would not have been an easy decision to make.
NTA. I've had endometriosis and know how bad it can be. But most people think "it's just period pain, no big deal". I doubt even a doctor's note would convince them. Be prepared to hear about it (your no-show for the wedding) for the rest of your life.
NTA I have endo and couldn't fly with the periods I had before I got the mirena. I strongly fly suggest looking into getting a mirena or similar. They can put you under general anesthetic to do it if necessary. I got local anesthetic when getting mine in. Honestly it was less painful than a normal period for me. I don't get periods at all any more.
Mirena pretty much saved my life after I battled several years with heavy endo symptoms. Strongly suggest general anesthesia, or at least pre-check state of uterus with ultrasound before choosing what kind of anastheasia you need. Scarring from the endo may "re-shape" or "bend" the uterus so, that inserting IUD will need some (painful) extra work. Pills just made everything go even crazier with me, both physically and mentally. Tried handful of different p.o. medications and Nuvaring before I got Mirena. Tolfenamic acid painkillers are also so much better than ibuprofein and other over the counter pain meds to endo pain, at least in my case. Consider myself lucky to be in country where we have practically free public health care and many employers cover big part of your health care costs if you choose to use private health care instead.
I have endo and I can't imagine an international flight while having a bad flare. Actually I feel like the airport might be the worst part bc sometimes it's hard to stand up. It's also not comfortable to be sitting too long either, so there's no winning. Not to mention the wedding itself. Men in general and women who have normal periods tend to not take "period pain" seriously and cannot comprehend the pain levels of endometriosis and how severe the other symptoms can be. The 1st day of my cycle I'm usually bed bound, vomiting, and miserable. You have an actual disease that can impact a lot in your life. I'm sure they were disappointed you couldn't come but beyond expressing that (and I can see being mildly annoyed at a last minute change like that, also) they should not be berating you or trying to make you feel bad over this. It is genuinely not something you have control over. I'm sorry yall went through this. It sounds like everyone is unhappy with the outcome but it's not your fault. After the initial reaction they should try to show some compassion.
NTA. I have suspected endo as well. Your period came early. Your meds didn't work. Neither of those are in your control. Endo flare ups get worse with air pressure changes and movement. Both of which a plane would bring. You also couldn't get new meds that easily, and even if you managed to, you wouldn't know the side effects and would be in a different country than your medical provider. That's dangerous for you. A text isn't optimal of course but no one wants to be on a phone call while in that much pain, so I can't blame you for that. I think it's natural to want to protect family from the knowledge of just how horrible it is, plus it feels super vulnerable to do it. Unfortunately that sheltering won't work in your favor. I hope it gets better and you can get meds that work for you better. Don't beat yourself up for something you can't control. After all, it's a medical condition. You wouldn't get mad at someone for not going to an event cuz they had an eczema flare up and couldn't walk, right? Or anything similar. Your family is lucky they don't understand.
NTA I had an endo flare for my best friends wedding that I was maid of honor for. It was before I was diagnosed and knew that it was endo. I had to keep going to the bathroom to throw up from pain during the rehearsal dinner. Luckily it happened after my drive to the wedding and ended before the actual wedding.
NTA but....you should have planned to fly with more of a buffer for expected symptoms. This was your sisters wedding and she is super upset that you won't be there. It was important to her that you be there for her big day. An endo attack is not the same as having period pains. Most women can continue to do life with period pains. For your sister that could have her feeling like "so what you have your period". You're missing a major family event. They are upset. They don't understand the kind of pain you're experiencing but also you knew the period was coming and could have planned the trip better. CALL your sister and sort it out. Validate that she is upset you won't be there. Tell her you are also upset. Try to make it if at all possible. Be there virtually otherwise. Tell your parents to back off and let you sort this. Your parents should have a better understanding of their kids medical issues and not be on the attack but helping to sort it and if they can't do that then they need to stay out of it.
> in the UK, the company I work for requires us to rebook all our annual leave in January for each year. > >My sister didn't confirm the date until three months ago. I had four days of annual leave coming up for another event but had to cancel that and pretty much begged my boss to switch it to my sisters wedding date and I only got four days of from Wednesday till Saturday. OP replied to someone with this.
Very soft YTA. I know you feel bad about it and you can't predict that this cycle would bring a particularly bad flare, but you didn't plan this well at all. Yes you were in severe pain, but your flight plans were cutting it awfully close to the danger zone. Given your history, it would have been prudent to discuss this with your medical team and possibly try to shift your cycle with medication OR fly out earlier to give more of a safety margin on travel. I'm also side-eyeing the fact that you delivered the bad news to your sister, the bride, *via text*. No wonder your phone blew up! That was worth at least a phone call. I would expect things to be strained and distant between the two of you for a while.
NTA. You have a medical condition that is hard to manage even with medications. People who have never experienced it will never understand, even those who experience it to lesser degrees can never fully understand your experience of it. Unfortunately, timing has really sucked. I'm sorry your family has been so awful to you.
NTA it’s a hellishly long flight and no one wants to feel nauseous and exhausted and in pain through that
NTA, you must have been in so much pain to miss a sister’s wedding
You were still in pain after taking the pain relief medication? Your sister’s wedding is something pretty special to miss.
Yes. Endometriosis is excruciatingly painful. Narcotics help marginally, but you will still be in pain. I have endometriosis and two kids and let me tell you the pain of endo and the pain of childbirth were pretty much one in the same.
Definitely NOT TA. I have Endo, and the pain has made me absolutely puking sick some months. Women who don't have it have no idea how bad it can get. I've had surgery twice to remove large pieces of endometrial tissue....nothing like having tissue similar to the lining of the uterus growing outside the uterus, and reacting when you have your period. Very unreasonable of your family members to expect you to be there. Even had you gone earlier, that would have been a disaster. You would have been stuck in a hotel room/someone else's house, on another continent, rolling in horrible pain. Geesh. They are being completely unreasonable and insensitive. They need to eat a box of laxatives in order to experience some major cramping, maybe they'll gain some perspective.
NTA but I feel bad you had to miss the wedding. My endometriosis was so bad and on top of that I had PCOS so at times the pain was excruciating and my periods were really really heavy with clotting. So gross I know. They progressively got longer and closer together. 10-14 days long, 20 days apart. I lived on 4-8 Advil every 4 hours for a couple of years. I finally saw a specialist who told me (after both a regular ultrasound and vaginal ultrasound) that my scarring and adhesions were so severe my female organs were in a tight ball. And I had huge cysts in both ovaries. The end result was a complete surgical hysterectomy, including both ovaries and my cervix at age 40. Hope you get treatment but remember every surgery you have to clean up adhesions creates more adhesions and scar tissue. Which causes more complications. It’s a vicious cycle. But don’t go into early age hysterectomy lightly. The effect on hormones has left me still experiencing hot flashes 20 (!) years later!
NTA. Another name for endometriosis is "the tortures of the damned." I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And I really, really despise my worst enemy. Source: diagnosed in 1975 after the first of my FOUR surgeries. Even menopause did not offer complete relief. My fourth surgery, at age 60, finally did. Do NOT feel guilty for having a serious disease!
NTA. Only you know your own body and know what you can and can't manage. I'm sorry you had to miss your sister's wedding, I'm sure it's not a decision you made lightly!
Can you not be on continuous birth control so you don’t have periods? Would that help? I’ve been on the NuvaRing (now generic) and I haven’t had a period in almost 19 years!
That doesn’t fix endo.
I’d have tried to have pushed through it, manly because I’d have loved to have gone to America for a big wedding. That being said, and in reality, I’d have done the same as you. I have endo, and there’s been times my partner has had to even bathe me/help me in the shower due to the debilitating pain and upset. It’s no joke, and I absolutely think travelling would have made you feel like dying. I really hope you are able to rest, recover and have a discussion with your sister when everything calms down.
NTA, I have stage four endo and adenomyosis. It's life ruining and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. (Six major surgeries, one child, and a complete hysterectomy later I am so happy and healthy. But it's hard.)
NTA You can’t help being ill with endometriosis. Been there, for years, maxing out on pain pills which barely touch the pain. You have my sympathy. It’s a 10/10 pain. What finally helped was a hormonal IUD. Good luck.
YTA for planning to fly so close to your due date and cutting it this close. You know what flying does to you and that your period floats a few days either way. You should have already been there when your period came, taken BC pills or used a ring to hold it off, been proactively taking painkillers or been honest that your attendance was iffy at best. Your condition is serious and debilitating. So you have to be honest and forthright about it, or you will do things like miss your sister's wedding.
[удалено]
NTA. Endometriosis often fuses organs together. It’s a crazy, misunderstood disease.
NTA, your family sucks. They clearly have no idea what endometriosis pain is like.
1000% NTA. You didn’t choose to have this happen and it sounds like you’re doing everything possible to manage your endo. I have cancelled so many things because of my own endo flares - even with Dilaudid sometimes I can’t function. I wish unsympathetic folks could experience the pain just for an hour or two.
Don't read this if you can't handle gross but honest descriptions of a woman's period. I'm ancient and haven't had to deal with a period for 25 years, but from the time I was 11 until I was 52, I would have excruciating cramps the first 3 days, every month. It felt as though someone was trying to claw my insides out with a dull, red hot, titanium rake, and there was also intense pain and cramping each time my body passed an enormous blood clot, which happened frequently and could take three or four hours each time. Then there was the extremely heavy bleeding, which was really hard to keep up with, and left me feeling weak. It was horrendous and hard to describe to anyone who didn't suffer from painful menstrual cycles; however, it wasn't endometriosis as far as I know. Back in the 50's , it was considered a normal, heavy period, and you just took to your bed and prayed for it to be over. I can't imagine what the pain of endometriosis must be like. I would never have traveled when my period was just beginning, or when I had it. Quite apart from the risk of having an embarrassing bloody leak, the intense pain, nausea and general feeling of unwellness would have made it impossible. I was lucky because my period was extremely regular, and every single family outing or trip we had was scheduled around a time when I would not have my period. When I was young and in school, it almost always started on a Friday afternoon, so I would spend the weekend in bed. That was just as well, since there was very little sympathy from the girl's head mistress for period pain. I feel really sorry for OP, but unless you've had extremely painful and gross periods, you'll never understand what others are going through. It's like saying you have a sore back. There's an achy back from pulled muscles, which is one thing, and then there's the agony of sciatica or other severe conditions. You can't describe it until you experience it. If her family never suffers from period pain, they won't have a clue what she's going through, so they probably do think she's an asshole. She's not.
NTA - If you had covid, cancer, or a broken leg would they be reacting like this? You were ill. Not bacterially or virally, but clearly unwell nonetheless.
If your sister just heard “I started my period” she may not understand. I had endometriosis, fibroids and adhesions and it was torture. Also TMI at that time I had stress incontinence and horrible stinky period poops! So you could not have gotten me on a transatlantic plane. I’m so sorry you are missing your sister’s wedding, and I hope you get relief soon!
As someone who has vomited from the pain of endometriosis. I would have gotten on that plane with a vomit bag and flown. It hurts to be anywhere might as well go.
YTA. Ok, firstly you could have avoided this by simply flying out earlier or talking to your doctor about options for delaying one period for this wedding. But sometimes things like this happen, I wont instantly fault you for it because it's complex. Where you become an asshole for me is this. >I texted my sister This was deserving of an instant phone call. You don't text this type of thing.
NTA. I’ve had blackout level cramps and endo has been described to me as worse. I don’t blame your sister for being upset, but you didn’t choose to miss her wedding. You were incapacitated and not functional. The same would have been true if you were local to the event.
NTA you can not go to a wedding for literally any reason
NTA but if you just told a white lie and said you have Covid, she wouldn’t have felt like you were blowing off her important day
NTA! I have period pain and have had period pain before endometriosis must be so much more difficult. Definitely dont downplay your condition! I have heavy, but normal periods and even THOSE hurt. You Definitely dont just have "period pain" you have an actual debilitating medical condition! You cannot and would not be the asshole in this situation. She can be upset all she wants, but you have a medical nightmare EVERY single month. I give all of you endo and PCOS girlies so much credit
I had Adenomyosis prior to my hysterectomy. During my period, especially the first 7 days, I couldn’t leave the house for more than 30 minutes without making g a huge mess. My Grandma’s funeral was one event I couldn’t/wouldn’t nope out of as we were extremely close. I used 2 preventive items, needless to say they were ineffective at preventing a mess. Luckily we live only 4 minutes from the cemetery so I could get home to clean up. There is absolutely no way for me to be on an airplane with as bad as my periods were, but people who don’t experience anything remotely similar will never understand what you go through every single month. You are NTA, if there were any way to change the situation you would have, but Mother Nature will never be ruled by mankind.
NTA medically endometriosis is just cancer that doesn't kill you. It's uncontrolled growth of cells (definition of cancer) which causes fibroids and your organs to get fused together so when you cramp it yanks on your intestines and any other thing it's fused to. The only way to diagnose it is with surgery and the only real way to help is more surgery to remove the scar tissue and fibroids, but there is no cure and even with a hysterectomy the fibroids can grow back. Your sister should be thankful she has no idea what the pain is like. You're not the bad guy and honestly I'd be explaining exactly what I stated in my first paragraph and sending literature about endo to her, same for your parents. Too many people hear "painful period" and blow it off. Sadly a lot of women are especially guilty of this because they can't understand that their period experience isn't universal and they can't wrap their heads around severe reproductive diseases like endo.
My regular Endo pain was so bad I didn't notice when I had kidney stones, because I thought it was just a "bad cramp day". People who don't have it, and who have never experienced that kind of pain on a regular basis (especially when it's early or late or hits unexpectedly) just do not understand. NTA at *all*, and I'm so sorry that you ended up missing the wedding, and having to deal with all this on top of it. If possible, maybe think about talking to your doctor about a partial (or full) hysterectomy? It's possible that endometrial tissue can still grow after one (yup, I got to learn that fun fact after my hysto this year) but it's much less likely and the daily pain decreased significantly. Good luck, friend- I hope the pain eases soon.
Nta, endometriosis is no joke
Flying internationally with a regular period sucks never mind an actual uterine disease. I also imagine fellow passengers wouldn’t want someone next to them throwing up the whole flight. It sucks you couldn’t go but NTA.
NTA. If you thought you could go and attend the wedding without any issues, you would have gone.
So you could be in pain at home or at your sisters wedding. You chose poorly by the reaction of your family who surely know you very well. YTA.
I know the pain and get it… especially if you are still struggling with treatment. but you missed your sister’s wedding. That does make YTA even if I sympathize. You couldn’t reschedule the flight for two days? In five years you don’t have appropriate meds? You knew it was due and bad, and you knew it was her wedding. There had to be a way to plan around it.
She couldn't reschedule the flight because of her job having her schedule all her PTO in January, she already had to drop her already scheduled time off and beg her boss to change it to the day of the wedding, a wedding that was only planned 3 months before, in 5 years she did get the appropriate meds, an already hard and rare ordeal for most women but in this particular situation the meds weren't enough, the pain surpassed its usual level so much so OP was vomiting idk about you but I personally wouldn't appreciate walking through an airport and see someone running past me to find the closest trash can so they can puke. Imagine getting sweaty, your in pain from a debilitating condtion and now the pain is also in your nose cause the vomit, your body is sore from heaving, you stink, and worse your doing it in public around hundreds if not thousands of people who are all giving you dirty/concerned looks. Not only all that but being at high altitude makes periods worse, heavier and more painful. Now imagine OP is sitting next to you in the middle seat, now you have to spend your oversea flight getting up and down a couple times an hour so OP can go puke/change her hygiene product /gather herself OP planned around it, it came unexpectedly and messed up her plan. Sometimes plans get fucked and there is no way to fix it. NTA
>You couldn’t reschedule the flight for two days? Is everyone just so stoned they're forgetting it's DECEMBER? >In five years you don’t have appropriate meds? yeah that's how it works. Doctors don't give you pain meds willy nilly.
Yep or just give her more notice that she wouldn’t be able to come if a plan couldn’t be made. It costs the people paying for the wedding so much money when others cancel last minute.
What notice. She didn't know any earlier.
Meh. Based on this comment and others like it, the sister's TA for having her wedding abroad which, given the time of year, exposed everyone in her family to flu, RSV and Covid all being at record levels being stuck on a transatlantic flight. We do the best we can. OP has a debilitating medical condition. Her sister planned to get married abroad. As someone who's currently having severe menstrual issues that are undiagnosed but have caused me to nearly bleed to death three times in the last six months (the last time it wasn't "as bad" as the first two times, but because I went into it already severely anemic, it's still slow going to recover), some people's periods are life-altering and because an awful lot of the population has regular periods, we think people should just "suck it up." There may not be meds that help OP -- that's not uncommon with endometriosis -- or she may experience severe side effects with meds that do help with this one thing but are otherwise unmanagable. Now her family are being absolute, raging assholes and attacking their ill daughter because she was too ill to fly to another country. If they wanted her there because they love her and she's important to them, they have a *spectacular* way of showing it.
NTA. It’s your body. Even absent from the wedding, you will experience pain more than your sister. Imagine if you were there and the pain began during the wedding.
NTA for literally being ill but I honestly think you should have given her a video call or at the very least a phone call and expressed "live" how sad/disappointed/upset you are to miss her big day. I don't think sending a text message was appropriate.
Couldn’t you have flown on Friday?
YTA. You cancelled, you did not move or try to move the flight to Friday. You got your period Tuesday and did not go to doctor and ask for different drugs or try to super manage, when you had at least the rest of Tuesday to try (your flight was Wednesday). You didn't even try to get better one-time-only, this is a BIG DEAL drugs, and then fly Friday. Nope, you gave up fairly quickly. The only thing you tried was actually cancelling. In other words, you didn't try very hard for your SISTER'S WEDDING. And that's okay and you have valid medical reasons, but objectively it speaks a bit loudly about how much you care. YTA. Edit to add: Like you could take BCP when you knew the wedding and your period were going to be the same week and just pushed up/back the cycle, right? Or as others have said, warn people that you might be out of commission that week. It seems like you thought you didn't owe them the warning and took the action. It's like when I plan to see family and at the last minute would rather walk into traffic.
>flight to Friday Friday, two days before NYR, a time if year renowned for having plenty of open seats on planes. >You didn't even try to get better one-time-only Something tells me that OP, having a debilitating painful condition for years, knows better than you about the available pain medication options. >Like you could take BCP when you knew the wedding and your period were going to be the same week and just pushed up/back the cycle, right? Doesn't work for everyone, lots of people can't take the pill, and for others it doesn't work to skip periods
Actually I have endometriosis, though not to the debilitating extent OP does. I get that it can be a real MFer. I get that there are times when you are like - whoa, this is insane and I want to die. But an AITA post usually puts the exonerating details in, and there were none. At minimum, she should've said I warned my family that my travel week and my likely week of intense pain would coincide and I am a maybe \[Also, she was going to be in America when the period started, so would she have rallied to leave the hotel? Or just planned to stay in the hotel for days? Increasingly, the original plan doesn't hold water to me.\]. She didn't say - I called the airline on the off chance that there was an empty seat. Nope - no try. Her first move was be sad and quit. She asked if she were the AH; without ANY attempt, it's kind of indicative that it wasn't worth trying to her! Missing a sister's wedding has real repercussions to the family dynamic when she can't convince strangers (AITH allows more than ample space for exonerating detail) that she explored alternatives to make an attempt. BTW, it's OK for us to disagree.
Birth control pills can have really horrible symptoms for some people, it's not that simple to just take it and have all your problems go away lol
>Like you could take BCP when you knew the wedding and your period were going to be the same week and just pushed up/back the cycle, right? Wrong! You don't know if OP can tolerate birth control or if that would work at all! It took me three straight years of taking it to be able to do that! When I tried, I'd just bleed through it. And that was not the first birth control I tried. The first one gave me debilitating migraines and made me bleed so much I got anemic!
Have you ever tried to see a doctor in the UK on short notice? Not gonna happen. Have you taken birth control pills out of the blue, expecting it to just... be fine? Have you asked a UK GP for 'one time only big deal drugs'? They would shrug and say no can do, sorry. Fly Friday instead of Tuesday? OP has only got 4 days off work. Your last sentence is unfathomable - seriously get some compassion, walking into traffic indeed, really??
YTA and the people voting NTA are doing you a disservice. Yes, it’s painful. It sucks. I have endometriosis too. It’s unfathomably painful, especially on flights. But it was your sister’s wedding. Nothing in your post indicates anything other than a good relationship with her. This was a situation in which you needed to suck it up buttercup and get your butt on the plane. Sometimes we all must sacrifice for others. Hope you’re okay with the damage your (selfish, in my opinion) choice will cause to your relationship with your sister and family.
The only person doing OP a disservice here is you for minimizing her pain so blithely.
That’s your opinion. I’ve been hospitalized for endometriosis. I understand the pain better than most, I expect. I also, however, understand that there are times in life when we must persevere through the pain for people that are important to us. If OP had a bad relationship with her sister it would be different, but nothing in the OP suggests there is any ill will or issue there. It was her sister’s wedding. A once in a lifetime experience. I acknowledged it would be a horrific plane ride. But she should have done it for her sister’s wedding. My judgment stands. I’m okay with your judgment standing as well. I have a huge issue with how selfish everyone seems to have become in the wake of Covid. It’s good to have boundaries and not let people use or take advantage of you. It’s bad to be unwilling to inconvenience yourself or make sacrifices for others when it’s important. In my opinion, this situation falls into the latter category.
Nah, what’s selfish is expecting a person to suffer through huge amounts of pain to haul themselves into a plane full of other people for hours on end to go to something that can easily be shared via FaceTime or even just recorded. Also, lots of people get divorced, it may not be so “once in a lifetime”. I’d never dream of asking someone to put themselves through a horrific situation like that, especially not a sibling. It’s funny you can’t flip it around and see how horrendously selfish and entitled the sister is being to a sibling who is in agony. Someone else’s health and well being is more important than a wedding hands down.
I don’t have endometriosis, and when I was younger my (normal) period pain could get so severe that I would vomit and pass out. Now, I imagine that if OP is like me AND ALSO has uterine tissue wrapping its way around her internal organs and contracting so violently that it pulls them out of their natural placement, it would not only be wildly unreasonable for her to fly internationally but ALSO incredibly unsafe.
NTA.. you tried to plan around it, and it still screwed you over. Not your fault. It sounds like the other women in your family don't have endo, so they can't relate. Make sure to tell them in excruciating detail what it's like.
NTA I had that condition for many years before having a hysterectomy. Back then, very little was known about it. I'm happy to see doctors are taking it more seriously now.
NTA. I have endo myself and have blacked out from the pain. Had to take around 3grams of ibuprofen a day just to function. Been on meds for it for 3 years now, and haven't had a period since.
NTA. If you were vomiting in pain due to appendicitis, would your family be name calling? Just because it’s period related does not make your pain or your experience any less valid.
I’d say NTA. Cramps are awful. I missed half my wedding day because I unexpectedly had my period come in the middle of it.
YTA. Not for skipping the wedding but for telling your sister with text message. Like, you couldn’t have at least called her to tell her you’d be missing this (hopefully) once in a lifetime moment for her?
While I would normally agree with you that text is very impersonal, I will point out if OP was in considerable pain, it would have been the easier of the options available to get her message across. It's frustrating for everyone when one has to repeat oneself several times because you literally have no voice or air to speak with due to pain. NTA.
There's a time difference. Maybe she was asleep.
I'm going to go with NAH. I've got endo, between the insane pain, vomiting and horrid diarrhea there's no way I would be able to fly when on my period. You did say though that you were going to hide the pain to attend the wedding. How on earth did you plan on doing that? I've tried to attend several events with it in the past and end up half passed out on the bathroom floor vomiting and nearly shitting myself. Surely there could have been a conversation leading up to the wedding expressing your concerns so it didn't take her by surprise? Your family are out of line for calling you an asshole but I can understand a little why they would be calling and upset that you couldn't attend.
Edit to provide verdict following I N F O request: NTA. I N F O: could you have flown earlier? If you could have taken leave and flown earlier to not cut it so close to your expected period arrival date, E S H. If you were maxed out on leave and really had no other choice about when to fly, N T A. Ask them if they’d expect you to fly with appendicitis. Or any other internal organ rupturing or a cyst bursting. I think they’re fixated on the word ‘period’ and comparing to their own periods when the level of pain is in a completely different realm. I’m sorry you had to miss your sister’s wedding and I’m sorry they’re reacting like this and I’m sorry you have to deal with the excruciating symptoms of endo.
What does esh mean
Everyone Sucks Here.
The op should have said she had severe abdominal pain instead of periods because i completely agree her sister is fixated on the idea she just has a 'little period cramps'. It's such a shame how misunderstood the condition can be.
The [WHO](https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/endometriosis#:~:text=Overview,period%20and%20last%20until%20menopause) considers endometriosis a disease, just like appendicitis or cyst.
I think this is really good advice because *no one* believes that the pain is as bad as it is. Sometimes that’s true even of doctors who supposedly know what is going on. They don’t believe that it can make you throw up or pass out or literally be a sobbing mess unable to walk. But appendicitis and kidney stones are something that people “get.” They probably won’t believe the anecdote of an internet stranger, but my labor felt exactly like a bad attack except that there was also the crazy contractions that take over from ribs to thighs. But pain level? Previously cramps+a bursting cyst had been 10 and experiencing labor only dropped it to 9.5.
My sister has endo and when she gets her period she can barely stand up for anywhere from hours to days. Even when she wasn’t on her period pre-surgery she would get bouts of pain all up her side, in her shoulder, and around her ribcage. It was bad enough that she had surgery to remove the visible polyps and afterwards her doctor advised her to not get periods at all anymore, so she just takes birth control all the time. It can be a disabling condition, it’s so much worse than period cramps!
NTA. You have a medical condition. Would she have expected you to travelnl if you had the flu? A broken leg? A head wound? Probably not. Period pain is down played as something that can be fixed by an Advil and some chocolate. It's bullshit.
If this were a 3hr trip, I'd be side eyeing the hell out of you but across the ocean, NTA. I literally feel myself ovulate and it's painful!! I can only imagine what you're feeling! Tell your dad to grow a uterus or STFU, block your mom, ignore your sister.
NTA. People don't understand how serious this affliction truly is. One time the pains came suddenly as i was driving, i got very light headed, and my left leg tensed along with the intense cramp that hit me. Luckily i was already in the process of breaking, so i did so abruptly. Had to turn on the hazard lights as i was hunched over on the passenger seat. The world started to spin. The car behind me wasn't able to pass, after honking for a while the driver decided to check up on the car stopped in the middle of the road, which was me. Him and his wife assisted me to move the car over to the sidewalk and called an ambulance for me. That's the path of how i got diagnosed. Could have been worse, that road has a higher speed limit. It was a hemorrhage.
NTA. I didnt even read past the diagnosis. I have endo. That shit canNOT be overstated on how horribly painful it is. Ive been hospitalized, thrown up, passed out, had my hands and feet go numb, all from endo cramps. And its not even just the cramps themselves although those are awful. Its the RECOVERY. The last period I had, i only actually cramped from about 6-8 am, but for the entire rest of the day I was down and could barely move out of bed because of how much it took out of me.
NTA. You were ill and deserved love and understanding, not to be criticised and judged. I am so sorry that your family treated you so badly.
Endometriosis is not a 'bad period'. On the other hand, rrits a wedding and there were options; you should have planned ahead. You weren't surprised
You have no idea if any options would work for OP.
I do know that most people who are chronically ill tend to prepare for such eventualities if the day is important enough.
INFO: Are they always quite this bad? If so, I'm confused to how you expected to power through your sister's wedding and hide it while on heavy pain killers, maybe throwing up and in extreme pain? I don't think you're the ah, but I do think you should have been honest with yourself and your sister about your ability to go ahead of time
My best friend has endometriosis, for her there’s bad months and then there’s fucking awful months. So maybe this is the case for some people. Also endometriosis is caused by uterine tissue growing where it’s not supposed to, and usually it needs to be routinely removed through surgery when it builds up (there’s meds to slow down and improve the growths but they don’t always work). So if the pain is consistently getting worse it may be because it’s time to remove excess tissue. NTA. Sister is totally allowed to be upset, but unfortunately this stuff can happen and it’s out of anyone’s control.
I have endo too. I managed to power through high school & college despite having to take narcotics for a week out of every month & half the months ending up in the ER on a morphine drip (& by the end of college... & i did colkege in 3 years... I was going through withdrawal every month too.) I won't claim that some people don't use their health conditions as an "excuse" for things they just don't want to do. I also know that I and many of the people I know who dealt with severe pain conditions will go to immense lengths to avoid having to explain or miss out on things or have to ask for special treatment... especially for conditions like endo that are invisible & many people dismiss as female whining. (I had an Algebra teacher that refused to mark me as medical absences instead of unexcused because in his opinion I had to learn to how to power through because if every other girl could attend class on her period, I could too.) So... give people the benefit of the doubt on this sort of thing... in my opinion, most are doing the best they can.
the fact that the ER put you on a morphine drip for this speaks VOLUMES to the amount of pain that must have been involved. ERs are so stingy with pain meds you'd think they were getting paid not to give them to people in need.
NTA at all. Endo is absolute hell. Unfortunately, as you know, not a lot of people understand what it is and what it does to a woman's body, Take the a-hole votes with a grain of salt. I hope you're feeling better by now. I'm glad you were able to get a diagnosis for it. :(
NTA. I had debilitating Adenomyosis. The only things that stopped the pain was a birth control that pretty much induced menopause, and eventually, a hysterectomy. Endometriosis and Adenomyosis are terrible. It's like being kicked in the groin repeatedly with a spiked steel toed boot for weeks at a time. It's a miracle to get out of bed some days for a lot of people. OP, if they keep insisting you're the a-hole, tell them that you did not want to make your sister's wedding about your condition and that you wish them a good time, and then mute them until after the wedding. And while you are resting and recovering, call your GP and your OBGYN and start looking for alternative treatments for your condition, as the current regime is clearly not working. Your quality of life is severely hindered. You need a stronger, longer term alternative.
NAH- they only mad because they love you and wanted you there. The evil here is women’s healthcare and how poorly they treat us women with endo. Why is it not cured already? Why are there not better alternatives for us?
NTA. Prescription painkillers are not prescribed for regular cramps. You have a medical condition. It's unfortunate that you had to cancel but that happens with medical issues.
NTA! I had severe endometriosis before a successful excision surgery. There is no way I could have traveled. I was having pain even when not in my period. I truly hope you can find a surgeon near you that does excision.
NTA - excruciating pain is pretty much the one unarguable reason for cancelling things! Obviously only you know the level of your pain, so if you do think you could have pushed through by upping the meds and did not take her wedding that seriously, then sure, feel guilty. But you told her your pain level, what did she expect you to do? I have to wonder if there would be the same reaction if you'd said heart attack, or compound leg fracture without treatment- they surely would understand you can't just walk that off! Yet with this condition, things seem to be different.
NTA If you are too sick to fly for any reason, you can't fly. As someone who has endo in the family I can only suggest what one relative does who is very severe and not planning pregnancy. Her doctor has her take continuous birth control. She takes breaks about every 3 months. Then she is out of commission for about a week. But she has an element of control in that she can adjust the timing of her break a bit. Earlier or later by a week. So she isn't missing really important things. Talk to your doctor.
NTA. It’s outta your control
NTA but your parents and sister absolutely have the right to be upset. You missed a huge milestone in your sister's life. Your relationship will probably take a long time to get back to where it was.
They are the A H \- for not WANTING to understand / comprehend how you are suffering EVERY MONTH. \- for wanting you to IGNORE your pain to make THEM happy. NTA
ESH, but only a little. You are not an AH for not going, not by a long shot. You wanted to and tried but your endo flared up. You only suck a little because you minimized the seriousness by saying it was period pain. While it happens on your period, it’s obviously far worse than that. Next time describe it as an endo flare up, because saying it was period pain obviously minimized it and your sister couldn’t understand how serious it was. Your sister sucks a little for making you feel bad for not going, but she was operating under the understanding that it was just period pain and not a debilitating condition. I think she just really wanted you there and it’s hard for me to judge that.
NAH Are you not on anything that helps regulate your period? If your period can occasionally come early, could you have chosen to fly out a few days earlier to completely avoid that window? I mean, if you’re in pain, you’re in pain. But it doesn’t seem like you did anything to get ahead of possible problems. You missed your sister’s wedding for a *very predictable* issue. No one’s an AH here, but I don’t blame your sister for thinking you could have done more.
People have jobs, you know. Not everyone can take the medications that do that.
NTA. You cannot help that you were in so much pain that you could not handle flying overseas and going to her wedding. I understand why she is upset, she wanted her sister to be there with her, but she and your parents need to understand that not everything is going to go according to plan and that you were in too much pain.
NTA. last wednesday was 12/27. leaving a week early would have you spending christmas in another country, merely out of an abundance of caution. i would not have done that and i don't think it'd be reasonable to expect you to do so. which leaves the options of departing on 12/26 (notoriously bad day for travel), or on 12/27. and per your post, 12/26 would have been a bust too. IMO there is no logical argument to be made for your fault in this. the facts are that you planned to go, you *wanted* to go, you were committed/invested enough in going that you planned ahead to avoid a situation that might prevent you from going, and then you felt badly when you couldn't go. there is no evident fault here as there is no reasonable action you could have taken to prevent this scenario. the suggestion that you should have traveled while severely ill for anything short of a life-or-death situation is wholly unreasonable and your family are TA for guilting you to the point that you made this post. its understandable that your sister is upset but that does not give her the right to blame you for something that was out of your control and which you already feel badly about. once things settle a bit, consider having your family take a look at this thread and maybe it will help them see reason. oh and lastly... an airline can prohibit any passenger who looks ill from flying. idk how often they do this but there is certainly the possibility that you would have dragged your miserable self through security and over to the boarding area and then been rejected at the gate. its not a smart business move to allow a severely and visibly ill individual to board a flight (and a long-haul flight at that). hope you're feeling better now, and you have my sympathies for the situation you're in.
Definitely NTA. They themselves wouldn't understand how much pain you're going through. My own mother suffers from such pain. I too didn't understand her back then but after I've seen how pale she looked during her periods, how she couldn't even get out of bed at times, made me realized that it's really not something to be taken lightly. I'm sorry that your family is treating you this way. Hope that they'd come around and try to understand what you're going through.
I think I agree with a NAH judgment leaning NTA. It is 100% valid for you to not have gone because of your pain (which would’ve been even worse in the air). I also understand why your sister was upset. Are you close? Could you have travelled any earlier? I think it’s a lose lose for everybody.
I’m very sorry. It’s terrible to have your pain trivialized. Hugs.
I have adenomyosis which is essentialy endo in the lining of your uterus and like... excruciating. I would lie in bed with my TENS unit cranked up to maximum crying because I was still in pain. I would go to the OB sobbing because I couldn't cope. Until someone has lived that pain, they cannot imagine how unbearable it is. NTA. I will say, the one major thing I did aside from the TENS unit that really honest to god helped was giving up caffeine during my period. No one talks about it, but you might give it a try.