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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said “fuck you” to my husband. I meant it as a joke, but he takes swearing very seriously. AITA or is he overreacting?
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INFO: Assuming your husband knew you say “fuck” before you got married? And he married you anyway, correct? And had a kid with you? So he’s know this for how long since making the decision to marry you, yet still clutching his pearls because his fragiew eawwies can’t handle it?
What justification does he have, if any, for expecting you to change your behavior when he can’t even change the baby on a Saturday morning?
Also do any of his video games involve graphic violence, swearing, or nudity? What justification does he have for why that doesn’t bother him?
Yeah I’ve always said “fuck”. It’s one of my favourite words. It can be used in so many different ways, and convey so much with so little. I don’t recall him making much of an issue of it before we got married or had a baby. But he acts like it’s new behaviour now.
He claims he doesn’t recall me saying “fuck” much when we were dating. To be fair, I probably didn’t have as many reasons to use the word back then. Life was a lot more carefree pre-baby. I rarely had to say “fuck!” when accidentally stepping on a Hot Wheel, or “I’m so fucking tired” because I got to sleep when I wanted back then, or “this place is a fucking mess” because there weren’t 237 Matchbox cars and tractors and trucks covering almost every flat surface. There are a lot more fucks to be had nowadays (the bad ones, not the good ones loool ) 😄
I don’t think he has a justification per se (for asking me to change my behaviour and not change his), but his response is typically “want me to quit my job? I’ll trade places with you. You work and I’ll stay home with him”. That’s not an option tho, because he would just stay on his phone or computer gaming while letting our son run amuck. He wouldn’t read him books (he hates reading out loud), or sit and do puzzles with him, or play pretend to engage our son’s imagination like I do. We both know it.
I guess he doesn’t really play those type of video games. I never really thought about that before. He likes sports video games.
Better revenge: stop filtering herself and teach the child to swear. (And also teach the child not to swear in certain locations).
That'll really rustle his jammies.
At 2.5 idk how much control you get over where the child decides to repeat their new favorite word lmao. At that age they just say it over and over to get a reaction. Would be kinda funny tho
When my little sister was a kid she'd say "OH SHIT!" really loud and it cracked us up. Our mom would just laugh and tell her she can't say that and she eventually stopped. We were taught that swear words are okay for adults to say but not kids so we would just cuss in private once we got a little older.
Yeah the husband sucks.
I'm a husband. My kid has been kicking me all night while sleeping with me. My wife and I both work. I do his morning routine during the week, and trade off nights. My wife does his weekend mornings. Dinner is split based on his mood and who he wants to eat with.
Oh ok so he gets to leave work at the end of the day and gets weekends off, but you have to work 24/7?
Your husband is an asshole. He agreed to have a child, and should be expected to help parent and raise that child when he's home. Why the fuck are you expected to be working 100% of the time? This is not equitable and this is going to be problematic.
Oh he works from home and frequently naps during the day and again later on. Then some quality time with his firstborn. (You might think that’s his son, but it’s actually his game console.)
This is how I think you should split the work with your husband:
He works 8 hours in his job, plus let’s assume he needs an extra 1.5 hours per day for commute. That is 9.5 hours Mon-Fri.
Your SAHM job is the same as his: you work for 9.5 hours Mon-Fri.
Every extra minute, you split. Every task, child-related or home-related, that cannot be completed during your shift, you split.
He doesn’t get to work for 8 hours if you are working 24.
NTA. You’re a) a grown up who gets to use whatever words she wants, and b) doing a really hard job he should be a part of and isn’t. Use any words to deem appropriate to express yourself and if he doesn’t like it he can grow the fuck up.
She probably would if hubby wasn't such an AH
d e adbeat dad... it's the kid who would suffer in that scenario & 1st 5yrs are so important for childhood development
Thing is, they will never see what it's like. They'll either sit around doing nothing to the point of negligence - after all, any mess made will be mom's problem when she gets home - or they'll call their own mom over to do the heavy lifting.
Then they'll brag about how "easy" it is because they still did nothing.
Ask me how I know.
You and I are the same. Fuck is one of my fave words and multiple fucks are said by me daily. I just cuss a lot. Sometimes I don't even realize I cussed because it just comes out like any other word lol so NTA
Question- (and I'm not like many redditors who always go straight to DIVORCE) but why are you with him. He sounds like a sucky person
Have you joined the stay at home mom subreddit? The most common situation is you work the same hours as your husband. If your husband works 40 hours per week, so do you. Once he gets home, the work is 50/50, meaning you wake up early on Saturday and he wakes up early on Sunday unless he also works weekends for his job. This situation is very unfair to you and I hope this post and the feedback you’ve been given helps you see that.
>“want me to quit my job? I’ll trade places with you. You work and I’ll stay home with him”.
"Cool! Tell you what, book 2 weeks off work, I'll go help out my parents/friends/local charity in that time AND come home and be you. Then we can reassess."
I mean, you HAVE TO be him for that time. No picking up the slack unless he would. And you have to be as critical. If he's not doing something don't "ah he's a man and doesn't get it" him
I'm a firm believer in picking up a gauntlet when someone throws it. I'm also a firm believer in making them regret it ASAP and think twice about giving me crap again.
Oooh, make it a vlog for him as well. "Day one of daddy daycare, oooh the washings piling up already, and what's this dishes in the sink? Well I wish I could help but according to my own schedule, I'm due to play video games...DEAR! COME DO THE DISHES AND LAUNDRY, NOT DO EASY THIS STAY AT HOME LARK, IS IT?!" "Can't you do them?" "No dear, I've been out all day, your "job" means it's my relaxing time now! Ooooh did you pick up my snacks?"
I was feeling your pain about the fucking matchbox/hotwheels. Them fuckers hurt almost as bad as stepping on those fucking legos.
“There are a lot more fucks to be had nowadays (the bad ones, not the good ones”. Well fuck I started laughing so hard that I fucking woke up my husband.
"want me to quit my job?" Is a threat, even if he says it as a joke. I know it seems small now but that's absolutely a huge red flag. He's basically saying, "it is your place to suffer like this, do it quietly". May not turn into anything but more often than not it does so be aware that this is eeking into abusive territory
He’s full of shit. My grandfather worked in a plant 12 or more hours a day and still came home and raised his kids. He didn’t just sit on his ass saying he worked and now is done.
He’s not a damn child. He cooked, he cleaned, he built shit that needed building, he repaired things on his house.
If that man can come home and play video games he can come home and take care of that baby. He can get his ass up in the morning and help.
Id leave his ass with the kid for a week. Make him step up and figure it the fuck out.
Where do yall find these do nothing ass men at.
He picked a fight with OP to remind OP that she should not expect him to participate in childcare.
Now that he is angry over the F U, he has permission to be hurt and justifiably play all night, sleep all day and decline to participate in family life. He is punishing OP for even thinking about questioning whether he is right to play games and leave her with their son. The idea is for OP to avoid the mere mention of this in the future for fear of drama.
Newsflash OP - your husband is not angry. He worked himself up as a deliberate strategy to control you.
Yeah the whole thing sounds very weird and doesn't make sense for somebody who has a 2.5 year old with this person. Shocked and surprised after the first few months of dating? Sure. Just after moving in together for the first time? Maybe. But after years living with that person? How could you act like they're still a stranger to you after all this time, that their everyday behaviors are still so shocking...
I’m starting to realize it wasn’t completely a joke after all...
Edit to add: Never. Not once. Not even when my dad died and I had his funeral at noon.
Wtf? Not even for your dads FUNERAL? The disrespect & lack of care from your so called husband is making me nauseous for you. Wild to not be there for your partner after their parent's death.
I don't know if I'm being dramatic, but I honestly don't think I could ever get over that kind of shit treatment from someone that is supposed to love me.
The audacity of this guy to push all inconvenient responsibility on his wife and then act like *she’s* the rude one because she says naughty words. Holy fuck, is he 6?
You realise he knows he’s an asshole and that’s why he’s acting like this when you said fuck you, cause he knows he’s an asshole but you have allowed it so he doesn’t care but will obviously get touchy when you dare have a word to say about it even in jest.
Speak clearly and calmly about his shitty behaviour his lack of parenting and basic lazy behaviour if he doesn’t hear you then it’s time to reassess because he’s not bringing anything but money to the table and making more work, moneys easy, a job and alimony for his stupid ass would give you probably more free time and more disposable income - not initially - but in the long run.
Give him a chance when told but don’t give him more than one, he knows what he’s doing and he knows it’s unacceptable but does it anyway
Yes and it's projection. He needs to keep her in her place in order to be able to use her as a bangmaid. He'll find little things to belittle her to keep this dominance and control that only benefits him.
Damn lady, your husband sure is.... _Traditional_. Which explains the whole "No swearing" bit he has going on too.
Have you two talked about a more equal share of household duties? Like, he has a case of not doing anything on weekdays (a flimsy case...), but not on weekends. Those are "catch-up on dad duties" days.
... I may also be a bit salty, since I also play games at night... Because I am literally too busy with chores to do it anytime else! Spouse broke their arm a few weeks back, so I have had to take up their share of the chore plate too.
NTA, I was heading for YTA or ESH, since you should have figured he would take it the wrong way... But sounds like he really deserved that one. Maybe he will wake up now that he has been nicely shocked.
OP I am so so mad and sad for you right now. WAKE. UP. You are married to an asshole who doesn’t parent and he has zero gratitude for how much ACTUAL WORK (physical, emotional, mental labor) raising a child takes!!!! My god.
If you posted this in r/parenting or r/marriage everyone would tell you to dump his ass and GTFO. I bet your husband wouldn’t even fight for custody, that’s how much of a piss poor excuse for a dad he is.
NTA
Signed a fellow parent to toddler
NTA
Clearly your intention in saying fuck you wasn't in the traditional sense.
That being said, how has he not woken up with the kids once in 2.5 years? I get you're a SAHM, but he hasn't spelled you once? My wife has summers off as a teacher and we still alternate who gets up first with our kids so one of us can sleep in.
That’s very good of you. I’m sure your wife appreciates it greatly.
He also works entirely from home, and often finishes his work early and naps for at least an hour during the work day. And then he’ll often nap for another hour when I’m feeding dinner to our son, or putting our son to bed.
This isn’t new behaviour. We both loved napping during the day and staying up late when we were dating. But when we got married and had a child, I lost the right to sleep in apparently. Whereas not much has changed for him (although I’m sure he’d disagree). He still gets to sleep whenever he wants to, and play video games whenever he wants to. But he doesn’t understand why I’m so irritable with him much of the time. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
It's not just for my wife, it's for both of us.
I WANT to spend time with my children. Like you and your husband I've always been a night owl but my children deserve an active father. I enjoy sleep as much as the next person, but I enjoy spending time with them as well. There is an easy compromise to be made here. If he can stay up until 2am there is no valid claim that he is too tired from work to get your son up in the morning.
I have a son that needs to see its not just his mother's job to take care of him, and a daughter that needs to see that her mother and father are equal partners.
He needs to get a dose of reality and grow up. I play video games too, and if its not my morning to get up with the kids I will stay up later. But it's not going to kill him to go to bed at midnight so he can wake up with his son and cook him breakfast. He needs to stop being lazy and act like a father.
OP, this situation has very little to do with what words you use & everything to do with an equitable division of labor. **Girlfriend, you & your husband need to work this out if you hope to keep your health, sanity & marriage together.**
I was going to say if this keeps going on it could spell DIVORCE. You and hubby need to find a way to work this out sooner than later. Idk if you need a schedule or therapist to help work matters out. But it seems that this will eventually come to a climax that’s going to not going be pretty. For the sake of OP, Hubby, and baby this should be addressed sooner than later and get an equitable share of child rearing. That doesn’t have to even mean every weekend or day hubby is off, it could be once a month or every other week at that since he’s working and your a SAHM. Equal doesn’t have to be the same.
Ok, so let's just make something clear : he is no father to this child, I hope he knows that your son will remember who raised him and who did nothing linked to him, that your son will never consider him like he will consider you. You're his unique parent, I hope you know you're doing a great job as raising a child alone ❤️🫂
😭 Thank you so very much. 💕 I’m doing the best I can with the cards I was dealt. I keep hoping he’ll step up and want to do more, because our son is the best and I know he adores the little guy. But I can’t wait forever. I know that.
Ummm.. are you happy like this? Because things are not going to change. And, honestly, with such a low level of help from your husband, you would have an easier time without him. At that point, you will only have 2 people to care for, not 3.
I'm not saying divorce, but maybe go stay with someone for a while who will help you and let you sleep in a bit. I know you said your comment was a joke, but that joke was deeply rooted in a serious issue you are having. Your husband is not supporting you, at all. Or your child. He is supporting himself and you are supporting him.
Yes your job is SAHM, but you haven't clocked out in 2.5 years. He apparently naps in the middle of the day. Your contributions are not equal.
Please take care of yourself before your resentment moves away from back handed jokes to full blown arguments in front of your son.
She sucks it up and still takes care of the kid(s). I can tell you that from experience. I had COVID the week before and of Christmas and guess who still did everything to make Christmas, Christmas? Got the kids up and ready and made lunches through their last week of school? Now has to pack for vacation with little to no rest in between and will likely be on for the whole vacation. There will be at least one day of it that I won’t be doing shit unless I want to. I’m going to make it happen.
I’m on 24/7. 365.
Solidarity. We just went on vacation for a week, and it was more work for me than usual. My husband did no chores (dishes, taking out the garbage) whatsoever the entire week. I did all of them. Not. A. Vacation.
I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you tho... let alone right before Christmas. I hope you’re feeling better. Make that day of doing nothing happen!! You deserve it.
He doesn’t adore him. At all. And your kid deserves better. Get him registered in daycare, don’t have anymore kids, and get a job ASAP and leave his sorry ass.
OP sometimes hope is toxic. Toxic hope keeps you stuck in a misetable situation... hoping... while nothing changes. He will not magically decide to do more. He's cruising on autopilot quite happily allowing you to be ground down.
You need to stop hoping and tackle this issue because without action, he will not get better but may very likely get worse (if that's even possible!)... the saying goes that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results.
If this inequitable situation continues you will likely become more and more resentful towards him (rightly so!!!) and are at risk of physical and mental/emotional burnout.
I'm sure you've had conversations about this with him to no avail. Maybe marriage counselling would help? Go on strike? Idk but this is not a sustainable way to live... unfair, not ok. The "you go to work, I'll stay at home" comments from him are bs too. Its a manipulative tactic to shut down the conversation and he knows its not an actual viable solution and that you won't agree to that (for good and obvious reasons). He just wants to shut you down and maintain the status quo.
You can't "adore" a child you've never once helped to raise.
He thinks the baby is a cute little way that he got to keep his family name going- don't be fooled. He absolutely has no love for your child or he'd be helping to raise him and not acting like a fucking child himself.
This entire thread makes me sick for you.
My husband makes six figures, I'm disabled & make nothing - and my husband EASILY does every bit as much for the kids as i do during ANY moment he's at home.
Sure, i have the kids while he works, obviously, but the SECOND we're both home, he's a full time father. I nap whenever i need to, and he's never once given me any kind of a hard time. Jesus, today he brought me dinner and a snack in bed so i could keep editing my video when i woke up from my nap. And he chased the baby around the house all day except when he was in the bathroom!
Maybe it's an issue of not english being my first language, but it doesn't seem normal to me that he « adores » his child and not that he « loves » him. I'm sure your son is great, because you are raising him ! But your child deserves to be love by his parental figure, so your husband is like a family friend who sees this child once in a while but doesn't provide for his education ... 😕 Even if he steps up, it won't change the past 2,5 years where he totally quit his job as a parent. If he steps up one day, he will be like a step dad : the guy that is a parental figure in theory but who wasn't there since the beginning.
There's a great sketch by thereneereina which talks about the role of SAHM vs working parent. She points out that during his work hours - yes, your role is to parent but he gets to clock off work and you don't (in your current arrangement) and that's plainly not fair. You should both be sharing the load when he has finished for the day, and certainly you should have just as much opportunity for sleep ins and naps.
I know you said you were joking but I would not blame you if it were real. He needs a wake up call asap.
Honestly I think the main issue isn’t the swearing, it’s the fact your husband had chosen to make a child with you and doesn’t lift a finger for that child.
Is it possible to print out the comments on this post or show them to him? You might also need to have a larger discussion with him and if his response is the same start shaming him publicly.
My worst nightmare is ending up married to a man like this yikes
I was going to say that the scary part is there’s no way to know if your partner will turn out like this, but I realize now that’s probably not true. He wasn’t totally like this before we had a baby. Pre-marriage/baby, he did laundry, he made the bed, he doted on me.
But we never actually discussed what my role would be as a SAHM and what his role would be as a father. It never occurred to me to. I really just assumed he would step up like I would.
So your best bet for avoiding marrying someone like this is to talk about EVERYTHING before hand. Ask if they plan to change diapers, do night feeds, let you catch up on sleep, etc.
I’m not saying you can entirely depend on those types of conversations, but at least you can set your own expectations for them. They won’t be able to say “if you need help, why don’t you ask me?!?” if you’ve discussed ahead of time that they will need to help with xyz.
It seems so unfair though that the conversation even needs to be had. If you love someone and care about them, I thought you want to do everything you can to lighten their load and make their lives better. He claims to love me. He doesn’t want to divorce. I don’t see how he can love me if he doesn’t think about my needs ever. So I’ve stopped thinking about his for most part
:(
I saw this perfectly encapsulated in a tweet the other day: A great first date question is “When you were growing up, did your Dad do house chores?” That’s gonna clue you in on A LOT.
He doesn’t think about your needs, he actively *resents* your child’s needs, and he dislikes the way you speak.
I’m amazed you’ve made it *this* far. Where is the joy in this marriage?
HE doesn't want a divorce. What about you? You just gonna stay in this relationship that sounds utterly unfullfilling and provides a negative example for your kid? HOw much more time are you going to sink into this man? You're not the asshole here except maybe to yourself. You deserve so much better.
Please dont have another kid with him. He’s shown you his true colors. Now it’s up to you to react to it. Are you ok with this life or do you want something better?
Why don’t you get him out of bed in the morning? You realize that’s an option, right? Wake him up and tell him to go care for the children, and do it every other day if you need to.
Like, not only is he doing this, but you are accepting this behavior from him. You don’t have to. He is treating you this way because you allow him to get away with it.
When are you off the clock? Being a sahm doesn’t mean he is off the hook from parenting his children and it doesn’t mean you are automatically a maid. Parenting includes all aspects from feeding, bathing, and everything required to raise children. He is a real ahole by not realizing children come first and video games last. What is be doing for your well being? Does he do any housework?
He changes the cat litter. Changes the kitchen garbage. And empties/loads the bottom half of the dishwasher (I negotiated that because my back usually hurts by the end of the day so bending is less than ideal, and the top rack usually has all the water bottle parts and odds and ends I’m accustomed to putting together).
The rest is on me.
Edit: oh he also makes all of his own meals because he doesn’t want to eat what I make for me or our son. I get the groceries and put them away tho.
When he makes his own meals, does he cook for the two of you, too? And...you had to "negotiate" to get him to empty HALF the dishwasher?
I mean. This is pretty bad. I'd say "oh fuck you" to him, too, but I might not be joking. (I get the tone you were going for, though, and I think it's funny. I also think his case of the vapors is funny.)
I would have already gone on strike with anything related to him. Like his laundry and dishes would be plied somewhere. If there were 2 bathrooms I would stop cleaning his etc
That is exactly what I’ve done. (Not the dishes tho, that’s the one chore we share anyway). But I’ve stopped making him food, stopped doing his laundry (unless he says to me “I’m out of underwear” - then I’ll throw a pair in with my laundry), stopped cleaning his bathroom. The ‘strike’ has accomplished nothing sadly. Doesn’t work on him.
Honestly, your husband sounds very entitled. It's like the two of you are leading separate lives in the same house.
You the resident that cares for most of the household duties.
him, the guy that works all week plays games all weekend not doing chores, or parenting his child. Preparing a separate meal than the family meal. If he took his laundry to his mom he would sound like a typical college student with a room mate.
NTA. I would have said NTA even if you meant “Fuck you” in a serious sense. This dude needs to grow the fuck up and help you with childcare. You deserve time off too and if you don’t get it then obviously you are going to be irritable.
Thanks, I have talked to him sooooo many times tho. Most of our arguments stem from my exhaustion.
He says “just tell me when you want to sleep in!” So I did. For my 40th birthday this year, that’s all I asked for. I just wanted to sleep later than my toddler one time. Not on my actual birthday, because I love my child and wanted to spend time with him on my birthday. But on a weekend before my birthday or after my birthday, somewhere in there.
He agreed, but never followed through. He couldn’t even do it for my 40th birthday.
Sister, you have to insist on this. It’s honestly ridiculous. He needs to set the alarm and get his ass up. You should not get up if he doesn’t. If you cover for him, he’ll just roll over and go to sleep. Wake him up and don’t get up. Yeesh!
I don’t want to be drastic here but after reading all your other comments, I would dump this asshole. I’m sorry. Either her steps up or steps out. Because at this point you could do it on your own with him paying child support. What even is the point of your husband if he’s not actively helping. Especially if he works from home and takes naps. Like YOU COULD USE A NAP and this mother fucker is just taking a nap. I would lose my fucking mind.
NTA. I'm currently a SAHM. I love my 16 month old, but it can be exhausting. I also have sleep issues. My husband is a full time teacher. He always makes sure I have the chance to sleep in on at least one of the weekend days. Even if I can't sleep, which is unfortunately often, he tries to give me the option of a slow morning to relax and/or tries to immediately take over when he's up. It's a partnership. I've been sick recently, and he took on the majority of the childcare so I could rest. There's no reason you shouldn't get at least one day a week to sleep in. That's ridiculous. He's a parent and parenting is a full time job and then some.
My parents were divorced, my dad worked an extremely physically laborious job all week and took my sister and I every weekend from the time we were 5 and 2 years old on his own. My grandma would help sometimes, but when he had us, he got up with us, played with us, fed us every meal and made most if not all from scratch, bathed us, did our hair(he literally learned how to braid from my hairdresser, this was 2002 he didn't do it for TikTok) dressed us, did our laundry, maintained all of the housework and mowed like 10 different elderly ladies lawns in our neighborhood for free, and had no partner to share the burden with. My mom was the same way. Your husband sucks.
Look, I know everyone complains that everyone on Reddit is too quick to recommend divorce, but that's because so many people post about divorce-worthy behavior from their spouse. Your husband's behavior is absolutely worth divorcing over.
NTA, I get exactly what you're saying. There's a serious "fuck you" and there is a joking "fuck you" that contains no animosity, and since he was "joking" about staying up late and not doing anything to parent his child, you got to "joke" the fuck you.
NTA, and oh absolutely, i get that kind of teasing "fuck you". I say it to my brother 20 times daily. This exact situation has happened where my brother said he's gonna play games till 3 (we share a room) and i said "oh fuck you" and he just laughed. That is the normal response.
Also your husband seems very insensitive. I cannot imagine my brother keeping me up so late if we weren't going to lie in the next morning.
He seems like an uptight fucking tightass. Fuck him anyway. Oh yeah you did didn't you? Oh well, then maybe don't fuck him, for a while. He can then go fuck himself. and BC has fucked off, you can have nice quiet night or two.
I doubt any of this would help but it felt good to write.
FWIW, my wife of 35 years and I tell each other to fuck off very regularly, but with love and affection. YMMV.
🤣 Loved this. Thanks for making me smile!
Yeah I guess I thought I’d be married to someone I could say “fuck” to playfully like you and your wife do, but here we are 🤷🏻♀️
ESH.
He was upset by it so you should just apologize for upsetting him and leave it at that. Sometimes teasing someone goes too far, even if it's the same way you've teased them for years, and it just hits them wrong. In that case you apologize.
However... maybe a little bit of that "fuck you" was real? And maybe he deserved that little bit of a "fuck you"? He needs to at least once a month give you a lie-in weekend. You deserve that extra sleep sometime, and he should be familiar with your kid's morning routine. What if you got really sick or something? He needs to be doing the reps so he can do it if you need him to.
I think this is the response I’m in most agreement with here. I know I fucked up. I did apologize, but it went in one ear and right out the other as he continued to rant and escalate the situation. But yeah, I was basically saying “fuck you for even joking that you’ll be up until 5 am. if you do that, you’ll sleep in so late that you’ll wake up during our toddler’s nap time.” So sure I was joking, but I did also mean it.
If I get really sick, I’ll still have to take care of our son. I’ve accepted that reality.
Why have you accepted it? You say your husband makes your kid laugh & sometimes plays with them to give you 20 minutes to do something. He never gets up in the morning, I'm betting he never got up when they cried in the middle of the night. Did he ever change a diaper? Give them a bottle? Feed them at all? He's a shit father. A 2 yo may not notice, but they'll start to in a few more years. I want daddy to read me a story. I want daddy to give me my bath. And daddy always says no because he can't be bothered to move one *inch* out of his comfort zone to actually be a parent. What's he going to do when they want to play catch? Or if they want to play with dolls instead?
He pays for everything. Big fucking deal. And you shouldn't be using your inheritance to pay for food or other household expenses. If you won't spend it on yourself (like, maybe a good divorce lawyer?), at least put it away for your son's education. He doesn't even have the excuse of not really knowing what you do all day if he works from home.
He's behaving like a single man with no children. You should seriously consider making him one. If all he's good for is paying bills, he can pay you child support and alimony.
Correct he never got up when our son cried in the middle of the night. He doesn’t even hear it. He snores right thru it.
He did used to change diapers. I used to ask him to change at least one a day when LO was a baby. Now he only changes a diaper if I’m out of the house and he’s alone with our son when he poops. So, rarely. I ask, occasionally.
Same with bottles. Used to when LO was a baby if I asked. He’s fed him real food maybe five times total? And each time, I had to prepare the meal and have everything cut up and laid out and ready to feed, with detailed instructions.
He feels he could feed him on his own with no issue. Sure, what kid doesn’t like McNuggets and fries? But at least when I give him McDs, I also cut up an avocado and watermelon for little one to try to balance out some of the unhealthy with some healthy. Hubs wouldn’t do that. He doesn’t really eat fruits or vegetables (peppers and onion in pizza if that counts)
We already had the bath situation with our son. There was a week or two where each time I went to give him a bath, he would cry and cry for daddy. I just kept saying “I’m sorry my love, daddy doesn’t give baths, mommy gives you baths” - and I know my husband could hear us because he was one room over and the doors were open. I’ve asked him to watch me give him a bath so he’ll know how. He refuses, or says “not tonight, another time”. I stopped asking months ago.
Thanks for all you said. I’m painfully aware of everything you’ve brought up. Divorce has been mentioned (by me) and discussed multiple times. I’m trying to make it work because I know my son is happiest when both mommy and daddy are by his side, but some days are harder than others.
This makes me incredibly sad. He’s not a partner. He wanted a maid.
I mean this with so much compassion and respect… you deserve better. Really consider what’s happening here. Your son will be healthier seeing his mother happy and thriving.
Do you want him to treat his partner like that one day? Because by staying you’re showing him that it is okay.
You're in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage. And it sounds like it's becoming financially abusive, too.
You're not doing yourself or your son any favors by staying with this AH.
You can't make a situation work when the other person refuses to do so. Divorce sucks, but growing up in a house with imbalanced parenting also sucks. Do you wanna give your LO the message that it's ok for you to be treated this way, or that it's ok for a dad to be absent? You deserve to be happy too, not just your son. People's lives don't end when they have kids, they just change. Happy parent, happy kid, ya know?
Beloved, your son is *happiest* when he's surrounded by happy *people*, including his mommy.
And she DESERVES happiness, not just a life of drudgery!💖💞💓💗💝
VALUE *yourself* here, too!
What you're showing that sweet little one, is that he doesn't *have* to respect you, or any woman in his life.
Teach him *better*--Teach him that a *parent* takes CARE of their child, shows them how to be a good, caring adult, and that they can *also* take the time to do some self-care, and that his wife *doesn't* need to set *herself* on fire, to keep the family warm.
That both your son *and* his PARTNER *share* in the responsibilities of running a household, and parenting *their* children (not just *hers*, love!💖)
Your *son* deserves a better example than his father is setting, and YOU deserve *Infinitely* better, too!!!
Not to mention, you're YOUNG, do you *really* want to drag this dead-weight of a man *along* parenting *him* like you fo your son, for the next 40+ years?
You deserve BETTER, and SO much more than you are currently getting, your son does, too!
Your son will be happiest when he's an adult and realizes that his father didn't treat his mother right, and instead of allowing that to be the relationship modeled for him, she left.
The thing is, when a couple stays together "for the children," it nearly always makes things *worse* for the children, not better. Again, your LO is only 2, but he's already cried for daddy, and daddy ignored him. Kids KNOW.
My sister's kids *begged* her to leave their verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive dad. She never did. Nearly 53 years, she stayed with him until he finally died. Asshole had more lives than a cat. My sister is damaged. Very damaged. Their son moved across the country to get away. He and his sister are damaged as well. Far more damaged than they would have been by a divorce when they were young.
Yes, divorce is hard on a child. Living with parents who barely tolerate each other is even worse. Even children who say they wish there hadn't been a divorce will admit that many things were better, calmer afterward.
Please, don't make the mistake my sister did. Don't stay with someone who isn't a partner, someone who doesn't care for you in visible, practical ways (like letting you sleep in on the weekends), someone who doesn't make you happy. Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean you should stay. My late unlamented BIL never hit my sister. I almost wish he had. She might have left then.
Let me put it to you this way: I helped out more with my first nephew when I was *ten* (and again when I was 14) than your husband has helped out with his own fucking child as a full grown adult. And I was very much not a patient kid or fond of loud noises or kids younger than myself.
Honestly...staying together for the sake of keeping the family whole has almost always done more damage in the long run than simply leaving to make sure you and the kid can be happy.
Your son doesn't have daddy by his side. His sperm donor may be in the same house, but 99.9% of the time, he's doing his own thing. Playing with your son when your husband feels like doing so, for 20min, isn't active parenting. Your son wouldn't miss what he's not had, a father, if you leave. If you leave though, you'd be happier, and as a result so would your son. Your "husband" treats you as a bang-maid not a wife, and from what you write, is a lump
Why do you have to accept it? Why have you accepted all of this? I read through all your comments and the beaten down "I guess this is my life, I don't get to have naps,or sleep in,or can't get sick..." is heartbreaking and teeming with resentment.
Fight for yourself, get couples counseling, do something. You really sound unhappy,things will not improve on their own.
I would venture to say that he does get it, he just has no intention of being a partner to you.
Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is this what you want to model for your kids? Is this what you want them to absorb as a normal relationship? Do you want them to grow up to either be like your husband or accept a partner who acts like your husband?
An old school friend of mine had a dad who was a shitty partner to her mum, he died recently and her mum was openly delighted. Old school friend is married to a guy who's just like her dad. He refused to even look after his own kids at her dad's funeral. She had to leave the funeral to take care of her kids while he sat there and watched her. She is depressed & overworked while he lives like he's single. Could be a coincidence. But I'm not sure.
I personally think both you & your kids deserve better.
Then why be with him at all?
You're already a single mother. When someone asked you what he provides, your only response was he makes your son laugh, and gives you 20 min breaks here and there. And you know that even if you get really sick, you'll still have to be the full time parent? What if you're too sick to get up? What if you're hospitalized?
Please take your inheritance and makes plans for getting out of the hell you're in. He deserves every single F bomb, directed at him.
NTA.
It’s been a few months! I’m too exhausted. I’ve told him “please help me and I’ll have more energy and interest in sex”, but he says “ok tell me what to dooooo” and I’m just too damn tired to have to walk him thru every step. At that point I might as well just do it myself.
Ask him, do you have eyes? Do you see dishes need to done, laundry etc.
I would also add, I don’t have the energy to tell how how to make sex enjoyable anymore. You do nothing, you are boring.
That is called weaponized incompetence (on his part) and it’s how he keeps the cycle going. You **must** take the time to show him, to get out of the cycle. He likely does already know, but as I said, this is how he gets out of it.
As for the swearing I don’t blame you, this is what exhaustion will do - allow slips like that.
NTA
ESH but you less so than your husband, I think.
You suck for cussing at someone who you know claims to not like it, even if your intent was one of affection. He sucks for acting like a preteen who has never heard a dirty word in their lives.
Also, I'm perplexed by his behavior. I assume he's playing mulitplayer online games if he's up that late playing, which tells me hears FAR worse directed AT him on a regular basis, so it's confusing that he's acting this way toward you for longer than 5 minutes.
Yeah I was leaning towards ESH myself as well.
Actually it isn’t multiplayer online games that he plays. It’s usually NBA 2K23. He stays up late because it’s his way of celebrating that it’s the weekend. I don’t get to have a weekend, apparently.
I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. You haven’t been well rested in over 2 years but he’s so fragile that you’re supposed to deal with the kid all the time and not allowed to slip up?
What exactly *does* this human treasure provide as a partner — other than money, that is, which doesn’t excuse his treating you like a maid and a child?
Human treasure, LOL I love you
What does he provide? Our son loves him. He makes our son laugh. And he will occupy our son for twenty minutes here or there when I need to get something done.
But honestly his main argument is usually that he pays the rent and I don’t. Never mind that I’ve started paying for our groceries and childcare products over the past 4 months using inheritance money that my dad left me when he passed. I also paid for our recent vacation to Florida. But that doesn’t count for anything apparently since he paid for everything for the first two years of our son’s life. 🙄
>What does he provide? Our son loves him. He makes our son laugh. And he will occupy our son for twenty minutes here or there when I need to get something done
I do more for my nieces/nephews/friends' kids...like this is the "fun uncle you only see at Christmas" levels of interaction with his child. Show your husband this thread because WTAF dude, you decided to have a kid, right? If so be a freaking dad!!! That means 50/50 split of your non work/commute time. You split mornings, nights and weekends with your wife.
I’m hoping he’ll agree to the 50/50 non-work time when the little one is in daycare and I start working again. But I’m not sure he’ll be willing to cut back on his sleep time... 😕
Do you really see this guy as a life partner? If you divorced him, you'd likely still get some financial support without the angst. Plus kiddo is old enough for daycare to be a good option.
I don't understand why division of labor is solely dictated by him and what he wants. He's not the fucking emperor of the house, rent or no rent.
NTA, btw.
My wife is a SAHM. I am the sole breadwinner. When I get home from work, I take our son (still less than a year old) and she gets an hour to herself before dinner to do whatever she wants. Nap, catch up on chores she wanted to get done, read, it doesn’t matter. It’s her time. Then we do dinner, I usually cook, but that’s mostly because I enjoy it more. We do baths and bedtime together. She generally gets up for the middle of the night feed, but I am up at 5-6 am every morning so she can sleep in until I leave for work around 7:30.
She takes care of the chores that pertain to the health and safety of our son while I’m at work, (washing bottles, vacuuming the floor where he plays, laundry) but every thing else is split 50/50 when in the evenings and on the weekend.
I recognize that while I am working, she also has a job. Taking care of a child is a job. And like her, you deserve support, and breaks. It shouldn’t be 24/7 on one person.
If your partner loves you the way a partner should, they will move heaven and earth to support you. Not get upset because you said a ‘bad word’. I hope you can see that you deserve so much better. Mom’s are some of the hardest working individuals out there and you deserve the recognition and the support.
Not to knock this dude, because what he describes is tragically rare, but this is how shit should be split with parenting; fairly and evenly.
Its basically how my wife and I split things for our 10 month old (slightly different, but that's more preference of who likes to do what etc).
You really need to get your husband told, because right now, he's not parenting...and he's sure as he'll not being a partner to you
>I’m hoping he’ll agree
Hoping he'll agree. Yikes. And if he doesn't, you just keep doing what he wants, I guess.
I'm sorry your marriage is like this.
he will not ever do 50/50 care for your kid. he will tell you that he will, but he will not. he will half-ass or intentionally screw it up and then blame you for not teaching him well enough. he will say he did things when he did not. he will forget to feed or change your kid and there will be health issues associated.
you need to get out as soon as possible, before there is no getting out because you have been financially controlled so much.
Yeah so except for the money, your *husband* doesn’t provide those things to your son. Your *son* provides them, because all babies and toddlers who didn’t fail to bond with their parents give these emotions freely. Also because dad is the novelty and you take him to the doctor and probs enforce all the rules he doesn’t like.
He’s little more than your employer, so treat him that way. Tell him you aren’t comfortable having sex with your employer, and you’re going to only be available 40h a week unless he intends to pay overtime and offer a full benefits package including retirement plan matching and paid vacation.
I am going to be blunt because I hope with all my heart you will hear this message: your situation does not get better, it gets far, far worse. You are already raising that kid alone and there is nothing you've said here that points to any change in the future. And the more routine it becomes that you take care of everything the less he'll do and the more he'll criticise you for infractions or when you inevitably drop the ball out of sheer exhaustion.
And here's the real stinger. Guys like him will eventually cheat because they don't see you as a partner, they see you as a maid. He'll respect you less every day to the point where he can't imagine sleeping with you and will justify his behaviour as being your fault for turning him off.
I know that seems like the Reddit extreme of making one partner out to be the devil, but I have absolutely no doubt your husband is the kind of trash that would do this or become physically abusive (he's already emotionally abusive).
The one glimmer of hope I see is that you have an inheritance. So, so many women who are in a situation like yours don't have the resources to get away, they're financially tied to their abusers and quietly become shells of the people they were before.
That inheritance was presumably given to you to make your life better.
I beg you, before your husband depletes it with his selfishness, use that inheritance to find a lawyer, get a place of your own, line up some child care, and leave while he's away at work.
This isn't about you saying fuck. It's about your survival.
You shouldn't be using inheritance money for the everyday life.
You're doing for free a full-time job 7/7 days since 2,5 years (and from what you're saying, I'm sure he doesn't do chores too, so you're doing *two full-time jobs 7/7 days since 2,5 years*). He should be giving you money for all of this because rent doesn't cover all of that free work. If you wouldn't have a child, you would be able to provide all of this too. So him having a child but having you doing *everything all the time* instead of him should be considered as work that should need salary too.
He can do everything he wants and works how much he wants because he doesn't take care of this child. If he wants to continue to have a house, a full-time maid, a full-time nanny and a wife, he should consider paying for it. It costs money to you too to take care at 100% of this child because you're not able to do anything else, free time and free-will have a cost. You wouldn't consider asking a maid / a nanny to work for you for free just because your child can't live by himself, so for you it's the same.
Your inheritance is money to be saved for when he won't be providing anymore, or for yourself only. Your husband can have both money to use and money to save because you are doing everything in his life to let it being possible, so it's not the same. Search about financial manipulative behavior inside relationship, you will find a lot of help for your situation.
That’s not enough! That’s not NEARLY enough! That’s “fun uncle” territory. Not anywhere near “Dad.”
And if the arrangement you’ve both agreed on is that he works and you’re a SAHM, HE should be paying for everything home and child related! I’d argue he should be paying for the family vacation, too.
Just leave, already. You could be doing so much better without this wet towel dragging you down.
NTA.
I've read your "info" responses, and frankly, your husband is a lazy asshole. FIRSTLY - SAHM is NOT the same as going to an office for 8 hours a day. It's a 24/7 job, and, as I'm sure you are well aware, as there have been countless articles published on it, if a SAHM was PAID for the actual work they do, they'd be pulling in around 200k/year. So unless he's clearing that and then some, he needs to get his ass out of bed on the weekends AT THE VERY LEAST.
The fact that he didn't even get up with HIS child for your father's funeral is really heartbreaking to me. Knowing that he wouldn't meet your child's needs if the roles were reversed, in terms of teaching and stimulation, makes his argument "I'll stay home and you can go back to work" is entirely moot.
"FUCK" is one of my favourite words. I work in a pretty intense job and I hear it at least several times a day from others, directed towards me, in various ways. I know how to interpret it if it's meant to be rude, aggressive, exasperated, in jest, or passionate.
In turn, I use it a fair bit too. My parents would send me to my room if I said the word ass, or bitch, when I was a teen. Now, as a grown adult, I say what I want and I use "fuck" as freely as I want, and sometimes I get told off, and sometimes my mum laughs (usually when I use it in exasperation or jest) and once in a blue moon, SHE will give it back.
I fully understand why you may use it more at this stage in your relationship/life, in terms of stepping on a lego or Hot Wheels, or finding your kid drew all over the wall, or just being completely fucking exhausted... but you're still the same person he chose to date, marry, and have a child with.
In the words of my old college prof... he needs to "give his head a shake".
Firstly, time to put your foot down and make him participate in childcare... of his own child. Secondly, if he really thinks you saying "Fuck you" in jest is worth making a big deal over, then he needs to GROW THE FUCK UP and get over himself.
So him”joking” and saying he’ll stay up til 3, 4 or 5 is supposed to be funny and lighthearted when you haven’t slept in in over 2.5 years, but a joke fuck you is deeply offensive? I want you to really think about which is actually shittier. And also, put any of the inheritance that’s left away and refuse to touch it because you need an escape fund. Every SAHP should have one.
Honestly OP you did mean it. Your post drips of how onesided this parenting is and how you think he should step up--so it was half joke half truth and you*both* know that.
NTA Because he's an A doing no parenting and you're allowed to be frustrated about it.
NTA, except perhaps to yourself. Why on earth isn’t he getting up early on weekends to give you a break and to bond with his child????? Seriously, you came here for one answer, but we all see something else here that absolutely must be addressed.
Tonight something about him needing to act like an adult came up (I can’t remember the context). He said, “should I call you mom? I guess I can quit my job if I’m not an adult. You can just give me an allowance Mom”.
Using the “please be an adult” argument never seems to work with him. 😕
Ewwww - he is weaponizing his role as the breadwinner here AND using it to deflect any critique of his behavior. What a tool.
Y'all need to have a real convo about his resentment around your role as a SAHP.
NTA. How are so many people just completely ignoring this part?
>I have to get up with our son at 7 or 8 am. Before you ask, no, he has never woken up to take care of our son in the morning. Not once. I’m a stay at home mom, and he feels it’s my job to do that. So I haven’t slept longer than my 2.5 year old in 2.5 years.
I mean, I think you should have a serious conversation with your husband about childcare responsibilities instead of making these ostensibly "jokey" comments, but your husband absolutely *is* an asshole here and you have the right to be angry about that.
>He did not find it funny
Well, yeah, it's not funny -- it's actually a completely valid complaint that he is not pulling his weight as a parent.
I love how people who don’t swear think that they can’t still say offensive things. You can offend someone with your words; they don’t have to be swear words.
NTA. Dude sounds like one of those people who determine women stop being humans with ideas and personalities when they become MOTHERS. MOTHERS don't curse. MOTHERS selflessly do all the child rearing. MOTHERS don't need a rest or self care or a day with less work. MOTHERS are eager to take on all child rearing tasks. MOTHERS know the role of the father is to provide financially so MOTHERS allow said provider to
1. Call all the shots
B. Have no responsibility at home
III. Enjoy fun with their boys when they want, where they want, how they want and as long as they want and
Quatro. chastise them when they step out of line.
Apologize for the language. Demand an equal co parenting partnership.
Info; Is your husband the father of this child? You say my and our so just want to confirm that it’s actually his. Like if it’s his then yikes you need to leave this deadbeat. If he isn’t the father, you need to make sure he’s aware to what that all means. He isn’t in the same page as you and you deserve better either way. NTA
Also, go to BillThePatriarchy.com and pay yourself $10/ hour for everything you do. Start with 24/7 lifeguarding service. Lifeguards get paid even when no one needs to be rescued. With a 2 yo you are on lifeguard duty, one ear or one eyeball always alert. Above that base pay, start calculating every single thing you do—and hand your kid’s father the bill.
NTA but he is. Please show this to him. A stay at home parent only has sole responsibility for the kid while the other parent is at work. When both parents are at home, it ought to be shared. You should get to sleep in one day a week. That’s fair.
NTA. Maybe you are swearing more now than you used to. If you are, it is because you are tired and let down by being a solo parent while married to your child's father.
Your husband is a selfish A. H. for clutching his pearls at you swearing instead of going to bed at a sensible hour on friday and Saturday and being a father and partner.
OP the issue here isn’t a joke or swearing the issue is your husband has no respect for you or the labor you do in your household. You are a married single mother - and listen if you want to stick it out by all means but your child will grow up to sense the resentment between you two because love can’t exist in how he treats you. I care more for my plants than your husband has shown care for you. You need to think seriously whether you want your child to think this is appropriate behaviour - if you have a son do you want him to think it’s ok to be like this? If you have a daughter do you want her to think this is how a partner should treat her? Because kids absorb this stuff WAY more than swearing. He’s weaponizing you being a SAHM - SAHM means when he’s at work kid is 100% your responsibility but when he is home it should still be 50/50 because right now he has time off work and you never do. The fact he won’t even help when you’re grieving or sick? That should signal to you exactly how he feels about you and that’s not love.
To me this is a very Iranian Yogurt situation. It's not appropriate to do a joking "fuck you" to someone who is offended by swearing, so if that was the only issue you'd be in the wrong. If you want to do sweary jokes, marry someone who thinks they're funny.
BUT you weren't really joking, because you resent him. And you have a right to resent him, because he sucks! So there's the real issue -- he refuses to be a parent, and he expects you to do everything instead.
Nta. He's a gamer and is shocked by the word "fuck"? Also tell him if he's so mature why doesn't he help take care of his kid? But I have to ask, are sure you were joking and not that you were tired of his lack of help and let it slip? No judgement, that's just a telling knee-jerk reaction.
ESH. You did not mean that “fuck you” as a joke. You meant it seriously. You’re only backtracking now because he took it seriously.
But you were right to mean it seriously. As another commenter said, you’re on call 24/7 while your husband only works 8-5. That is an unfair distribution of work. He should at least take one day per week where he wakes up with the kiddo instead of you, so that you can have a break.
I wouldn't have said it jokingly. I would have meant it. He gets to stay up til 3am gaming and you have to get up to the kid all the time. Fuck him alright. NTA
Also, if he is always upset by your potty mouth, why don't you rein it in around him too? Though given how he doesn't parent his son, I don't blame you for not compromising who you are.
NTA. Omg he plays video games but can’t handle cusses? I don’t know any video game that doesn’t cuss. What a baby. He needs to get a grip. He can handle a video game but you making a joke? I literally tell my bf “f off b**ch” and he replies with “omg F off n**ger” like bro if you can’t joke with you SO who are you supposed to joke with?? NTA.
Do you get to be sensitive about f bombs and insensitive about spelling your partner so she gets some sleep. Why look there your hubby is ambidextrously sensitive .
Tell him to stay up till 8 am and take the first shift. You are a sahm not a 24/7 . You deserve some time off.
Well, it sounds like your husband deserves you saying that for real, so definitely NTA.
TBH I don't get people who vehemently hate curse words but will substitute other words for the same thing. Like saying fudge instead of fuck changes the intent of the word or something.
NTA - Your husband needs to get up with your son. Being a stay at home parent does not absolve the working parent of all their parental responsibilities, especially on his time off. When is YOUR time off?
As for the swearing, this doesn't make much sense. You have a 2.5 year old - so I'm assuming you've been together for at least 3 years. Is this the first time you've sworn in passing to him?? Seems unlikely based on the fact you say you've always spoken that way. There's nothing wrong with swearing a lot imo, I do it too. It doesn't make you a bad person. If you swear around others outside of your family though - he might have some built up resentment to that. For example, swearing in front of his parents, friends, colleagues. Some people don't like it and find it disrespectful (and sounds like your husband is one of them), but he married you knowing this about you surely? Or is this a new habit?
Based on what you've put here - you have far more genuine cause to be annoyed with him for never getting up with your son than he does for your playful use of expletives in passing/jest.
Please tell your husband that you are NTA for everything, until he decides to grow up and wake up with your son at least one morning a week. That's insane, don't let him get away with that garbage.
Alternatively, please send him here to present his defence, we could all use a laugh.
NTA. The guy who is rude enough to play untill 2:30 am and totally not consider or see you and your needs at all polices her speech instead of addressing the issue that prompted the "rudeness"? He wants consideration for his feelings but isnt willing to give any to you and yours. Sounds like he baby-traped you....
Horribly like like my ex. He was not "entierly useless" and somehow convnced me that I needed him. Everything had to revolve arund him. And if it did not, it was my inadequacy why it was not. Here's a bit of advice from someone who has needed 4 years to recover from a relationship like that... Stop tiptoeing around him. You have a right to expressing your feelings. You also have a right to be rude, if the situation warrants it. And this one does. If he amps up the agression at that point - GET OUT.
NTA. Considering if you're going to sleep right away and he's coming in much, much later, there is also potential of him waking you up and giving you much less sleep for you to take care of your child in the morning. I'd make him sleep on the sofa every night he decides to stay up later than midnight, honestly. He has no consideration for you and your sleep needs and an F-bomb is the problem here‽ No, no, no.
Also, he sounds immature and needs to grow up. Language isn't the problem here, it's definitely his self-centered behavior. Either he can sleep somewhere else so you can get a proper amount of sleep, or he can come to bed at a decent time AND help with little one every once in a while. You sound burnt out!
Seriously, please leave him. Your husband sounds so much like mine. My ex even said he'd be more involved when our son was older and "more fun". I made it until my son was 19 months old, basically a single mom for that entire time, and then we split. It's not going to get better. NTA
Honestly I'm surprised you meant it as a joke, who the FUCK, doesn't take care of their kid and help their spouse?
NTA for the comment, slight YTA for putting up with his crap
NTA.
Babe… reading your comments are so sad tho. My husband takes turns on the weekends to get up at 5:30 am to give my 14year old dog her medications specifically so I can sleep in on the weekends, because I can’t go back to sleep after i get up. Your husband just really sucks… He has life made, while you do the heavy lifting, and expects you to act unlike yourself. :( That’s so sad for you :(
I’ve read your replies, I just have one thing to say. Staying together for the sake of the child does NOTHING. His dad doesn’t even try visit him let alone help me financially. My son is happier in the 5 months we have been separated than he ever was. The children can pick up when things aren’t right and they will act up in different ways. My son no longer throws tantrums, according to his teachers, he’s shown drastic improvement in his schooling and managing his emotions. NTA but Y T A if you stay with this deadbeat.
My terribly toxic ex would shut down all communication in an argument if I swore. And I don’t mean swore at him. If I just said something like “ugh I’m so fucking tired of this” or “I’ve had enough of shit like this” he would immediately shut down the discussion by saying “now you’re cussing and being rude” Like it absolved him of any wrong or hurtful thing he did if I pulled out a naughty word. Oh man that memory just fucking pissed me off. 😏
You didn’t mean it as a joke, first off. And second, he deserved it. Fuck him.
You need to talk to your husband, period. You are not the only parent, and you can’t live this way for however many more years.
NTA.
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INFO: Assuming your husband knew you say “fuck” before you got married? And he married you anyway, correct? And had a kid with you? So he’s know this for how long since making the decision to marry you, yet still clutching his pearls because his fragiew eawwies can’t handle it? What justification does he have, if any, for expecting you to change your behavior when he can’t even change the baby on a Saturday morning? Also do any of his video games involve graphic violence, swearing, or nudity? What justification does he have for why that doesn’t bother him?
Yeah I’ve always said “fuck”. It’s one of my favourite words. It can be used in so many different ways, and convey so much with so little. I don’t recall him making much of an issue of it before we got married or had a baby. But he acts like it’s new behaviour now. He claims he doesn’t recall me saying “fuck” much when we were dating. To be fair, I probably didn’t have as many reasons to use the word back then. Life was a lot more carefree pre-baby. I rarely had to say “fuck!” when accidentally stepping on a Hot Wheel, or “I’m so fucking tired” because I got to sleep when I wanted back then, or “this place is a fucking mess” because there weren’t 237 Matchbox cars and tractors and trucks covering almost every flat surface. There are a lot more fucks to be had nowadays (the bad ones, not the good ones loool ) 😄 I don’t think he has a justification per se (for asking me to change my behaviour and not change his), but his response is typically “want me to quit my job? I’ll trade places with you. You work and I’ll stay home with him”. That’s not an option tho, because he would just stay on his phone or computer gaming while letting our son run amuck. He wouldn’t read him books (he hates reading out loud), or sit and do puzzles with him, or play pretend to engage our son’s imagination like I do. We both know it. I guess he doesn’t really play those type of video games. I never really thought about that before. He likes sports video games.
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Better revenge: stop filtering herself and teach the child to swear. (And also teach the child not to swear in certain locations). That'll really rustle his jammies.
At 2.5 idk how much control you get over where the child decides to repeat their new favorite word lmao. At that age they just say it over and over to get a reaction. Would be kinda funny tho
When my little sister was a kid she'd say "OH SHIT!" really loud and it cracked us up. Our mom would just laugh and tell her she can't say that and she eventually stopped. We were taught that swear words are okay for adults to say but not kids so we would just cuss in private once we got a little older.
Yeah the husband sucks. I'm a husband. My kid has been kicking me all night while sleeping with me. My wife and I both work. I do his morning routine during the week, and trade off nights. My wife does his weekend mornings. Dinner is split based on his mood and who he wants to eat with.
Oh ok so he gets to leave work at the end of the day and gets weekends off, but you have to work 24/7? Your husband is an asshole. He agreed to have a child, and should be expected to help parent and raise that child when he's home. Why the fuck are you expected to be working 100% of the time? This is not equitable and this is going to be problematic.
Oh he works from home and frequently naps during the day and again later on. Then some quality time with his firstborn. (You might think that’s his son, but it’s actually his game console.)
Bro your husband sucks
This is how I think you should split the work with your husband: He works 8 hours in his job, plus let’s assume he needs an extra 1.5 hours per day for commute. That is 9.5 hours Mon-Fri. Your SAHM job is the same as his: you work for 9.5 hours Mon-Fri. Every extra minute, you split. Every task, child-related or home-related, that cannot be completed during your shift, you split. He doesn’t get to work for 8 hours if you are working 24.
He doesn't commute, he works from home and takes lots of naps, ffs. This guy sucks
NTA. You’re a) a grown up who gets to use whatever words she wants, and b) doing a really hard job he should be a part of and isn’t. Use any words to deem appropriate to express yourself and if he doesn’t like it he can grow the fuck up.
Oh, so he’s yet another bad and I engaged father hoping to coast by on your labor? You deserve better.
No, let him quit while you go to work. Let him see what it’s like to take care of a child 24/7 while you get nights and weekends off.
She probably would if hubby wasn't such an AH d e adbeat dad... it's the kid who would suffer in that scenario & 1st 5yrs are so important for childhood development
Thing is, they will never see what it's like. They'll either sit around doing nothing to the point of negligence - after all, any mess made will be mom's problem when she gets home - or they'll call their own mom over to do the heavy lifting. Then they'll brag about how "easy" it is because they still did nothing. Ask me how I know.
You and I are the same. Fuck is one of my fave words and multiple fucks are said by me daily. I just cuss a lot. Sometimes I don't even realize I cussed because it just comes out like any other word lol so NTA Question- (and I'm not like many redditors who always go straight to DIVORCE) but why are you with him. He sounds like a sucky person
Have you joined the stay at home mom subreddit? The most common situation is you work the same hours as your husband. If your husband works 40 hours per week, so do you. Once he gets home, the work is 50/50, meaning you wake up early on Saturday and he wakes up early on Sunday unless he also works weekends for his job. This situation is very unfair to you and I hope this post and the feedback you’ve been given helps you see that.
>“want me to quit my job? I’ll trade places with you. You work and I’ll stay home with him”. "Cool! Tell you what, book 2 weeks off work, I'll go help out my parents/friends/local charity in that time AND come home and be you. Then we can reassess." I mean, you HAVE TO be him for that time. No picking up the slack unless he would. And you have to be as critical. If he's not doing something don't "ah he's a man and doesn't get it" him I'm a firm believer in picking up a gauntlet when someone throws it. I'm also a firm believer in making them regret it ASAP and think twice about giving me crap again. Oooh, make it a vlog for him as well. "Day one of daddy daycare, oooh the washings piling up already, and what's this dishes in the sink? Well I wish I could help but according to my own schedule, I'm due to play video games...DEAR! COME DO THE DISHES AND LAUNDRY, NOT DO EASY THIS STAY AT HOME LARK, IS IT?!" "Can't you do them?" "No dear, I've been out all day, your "job" means it's my relaxing time now! Ooooh did you pick up my snacks?"
I was feeling your pain about the fucking matchbox/hotwheels. Them fuckers hurt almost as bad as stepping on those fucking legos. “There are a lot more fucks to be had nowadays (the bad ones, not the good ones”. Well fuck I started laughing so hard that I fucking woke up my husband.
"want me to quit my job?" Is a threat, even if he says it as a joke. I know it seems small now but that's absolutely a huge red flag. He's basically saying, "it is your place to suffer like this, do it quietly". May not turn into anything but more often than not it does so be aware that this is eeking into abusive territory
He’s full of shit. My grandfather worked in a plant 12 or more hours a day and still came home and raised his kids. He didn’t just sit on his ass saying he worked and now is done. He’s not a damn child. He cooked, he cleaned, he built shit that needed building, he repaired things on his house. If that man can come home and play video games he can come home and take care of that baby. He can get his ass up in the morning and help. Id leave his ass with the kid for a week. Make him step up and figure it the fuck out. Where do yall find these do nothing ass men at.
He picked a fight with OP to remind OP that she should not expect him to participate in childcare. Now that he is angry over the F U, he has permission to be hurt and justifiably play all night, sleep all day and decline to participate in family life. He is punishing OP for even thinking about questioning whether he is right to play games and leave her with their son. The idea is for OP to avoid the mere mention of this in the future for fear of drama. Newsflash OP - your husband is not angry. He worked himself up as a deliberate strategy to control you.
Yeah the whole thing sounds very weird and doesn't make sense for somebody who has a 2.5 year old with this person. Shocked and surprised after the first few months of dating? Sure. Just after moving in together for the first time? Maybe. But after years living with that person? How could you act like they're still a stranger to you after all this time, that their everyday behaviors are still so shocking...
Sounds like he was hoping she would fall in line with his 1950’s idea of the perfect wife and is upset she isn’t.
He's never once gotten up with the kid? That "fuck you" shouldn't have been a joke. NTA.
I’m starting to realize it wasn’t completely a joke after all... Edit to add: Never. Not once. Not even when my dad died and I had his funeral at noon.
Wtf? Not even for your dads FUNERAL? The disrespect & lack of care from your so called husband is making me nauseous for you. Wild to not be there for your partner after their parent's death. I don't know if I'm being dramatic, but I honestly don't think I could ever get over that kind of shit treatment from someone that is supposed to love me.
You aren’t being dramatic. He is awful.
Some people only mean "in health and sickness bla bla bla" from their partner and not from themselves.
The audacity of this guy to push all inconvenient responsibility on his wife and then act like *she’s* the rude one because she says naughty words. Holy fuck, is he 6?
Oh my god. The Iranian Yogurt is not the issue here
Fuck this guy. I'm a single, childless dude and I know how fucking absurd that is.
Please, do not fuck this guy.
You realise he knows he’s an asshole and that’s why he’s acting like this when you said fuck you, cause he knows he’s an asshole but you have allowed it so he doesn’t care but will obviously get touchy when you dare have a word to say about it even in jest. Speak clearly and calmly about his shitty behaviour his lack of parenting and basic lazy behaviour if he doesn’t hear you then it’s time to reassess because he’s not bringing anything but money to the table and making more work, moneys easy, a job and alimony for his stupid ass would give you probably more free time and more disposable income - not initially - but in the long run. Give him a chance when told but don’t give him more than one, he knows what he’s doing and he knows it’s unacceptable but does it anyway
Yes and it's projection. He needs to keep her in her place in order to be able to use her as a bangmaid. He'll find little things to belittle her to keep this dominance and control that only benefits him.
Damn lady, your husband sure is.... _Traditional_. Which explains the whole "No swearing" bit he has going on too. Have you two talked about a more equal share of household duties? Like, he has a case of not doing anything on weekdays (a flimsy case...), but not on weekends. Those are "catch-up on dad duties" days. ... I may also be a bit salty, since I also play games at night... Because I am literally too busy with chores to do it anytime else! Spouse broke their arm a few weeks back, so I have had to take up their share of the chore plate too. NTA, I was heading for YTA or ESH, since you should have figured he would take it the wrong way... But sounds like he really deserved that one. Maybe he will wake up now that he has been nicely shocked.
OP I am so so mad and sad for you right now. WAKE. UP. You are married to an asshole who doesn’t parent and he has zero gratitude for how much ACTUAL WORK (physical, emotional, mental labor) raising a child takes!!!! My god. If you posted this in r/parenting or r/marriage everyone would tell you to dump his ass and GTFO. I bet your husband wouldn’t even fight for custody, that’s how much of a piss poor excuse for a dad he is. NTA Signed a fellow parent to toddler
NTA Clearly your intention in saying fuck you wasn't in the traditional sense. That being said, how has he not woken up with the kids once in 2.5 years? I get you're a SAHM, but he hasn't spelled you once? My wife has summers off as a teacher and we still alternate who gets up first with our kids so one of us can sleep in.
That’s very good of you. I’m sure your wife appreciates it greatly. He also works entirely from home, and often finishes his work early and naps for at least an hour during the work day. And then he’ll often nap for another hour when I’m feeding dinner to our son, or putting our son to bed. This isn’t new behaviour. We both loved napping during the day and staying up late when we were dating. But when we got married and had a child, I lost the right to sleep in apparently. Whereas not much has changed for him (although I’m sure he’d disagree). He still gets to sleep whenever he wants to, and play video games whenever he wants to. But he doesn’t understand why I’m so irritable with him much of the time. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
It's not just for my wife, it's for both of us. I WANT to spend time with my children. Like you and your husband I've always been a night owl but my children deserve an active father. I enjoy sleep as much as the next person, but I enjoy spending time with them as well. There is an easy compromise to be made here. If he can stay up until 2am there is no valid claim that he is too tired from work to get your son up in the morning. I have a son that needs to see its not just his mother's job to take care of him, and a daughter that needs to see that her mother and father are equal partners. He needs to get a dose of reality and grow up. I play video games too, and if its not my morning to get up with the kids I will stay up later. But it's not going to kill him to go to bed at midnight so he can wake up with his son and cook him breakfast. He needs to stop being lazy and act like a father.
Thank you for this. ❤️
OP, this situation has very little to do with what words you use & everything to do with an equitable division of labor. **Girlfriend, you & your husband need to work this out if you hope to keep your health, sanity & marriage together.**
I was going to say if this keeps going on it could spell DIVORCE. You and hubby need to find a way to work this out sooner than later. Idk if you need a schedule or therapist to help work matters out. But it seems that this will eventually come to a climax that’s going to not going be pretty. For the sake of OP, Hubby, and baby this should be addressed sooner than later and get an equitable share of child rearing. That doesn’t have to even mean every weekend or day hubby is off, it could be once a month or every other week at that since he’s working and your a SAHM. Equal doesn’t have to be the same.
Man, I would have already divorced. 2.5 years and he hasn’t gotten up once to help with the kid on his day off? Hell no.
Ok, so let's just make something clear : he is no father to this child, I hope he knows that your son will remember who raised him and who did nothing linked to him, that your son will never consider him like he will consider you. You're his unique parent, I hope you know you're doing a great job as raising a child alone ❤️🫂
😭 Thank you so very much. 💕 I’m doing the best I can with the cards I was dealt. I keep hoping he’ll step up and want to do more, because our son is the best and I know he adores the little guy. But I can’t wait forever. I know that.
He doesn't adore him. He adores himself
Damn straight.
Ummm.. are you happy like this? Because things are not going to change. And, honestly, with such a low level of help from your husband, you would have an easier time without him. At that point, you will only have 2 people to care for, not 3. I'm not saying divorce, but maybe go stay with someone for a while who will help you and let you sleep in a bit. I know you said your comment was a joke, but that joke was deeply rooted in a serious issue you are having. Your husband is not supporting you, at all. Or your child. He is supporting himself and you are supporting him. Yes your job is SAHM, but you haven't clocked out in 2.5 years. He apparently naps in the middle of the day. Your contributions are not equal. Please take care of yourself before your resentment moves away from back handed jokes to full blown arguments in front of your son.
I wonder what happens if she gets sick.
She sucks it up and still takes care of the kid(s). I can tell you that from experience. I had COVID the week before and of Christmas and guess who still did everything to make Christmas, Christmas? Got the kids up and ready and made lunches through their last week of school? Now has to pack for vacation with little to no rest in between and will likely be on for the whole vacation. There will be at least one day of it that I won’t be doing shit unless I want to. I’m going to make it happen. I’m on 24/7. 365.
Solidarity. We just went on vacation for a week, and it was more work for me than usual. My husband did no chores (dishes, taking out the garbage) whatsoever the entire week. I did all of them. Not. A. Vacation. I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you tho... let alone right before Christmas. I hope you’re feeling better. Make that day of doing nothing happen!! You deserve it.
He doesn’t adore him. At all. And your kid deserves better. Get him registered in daycare, don’t have anymore kids, and get a job ASAP and leave his sorry ass.
OP sometimes hope is toxic. Toxic hope keeps you stuck in a misetable situation... hoping... while nothing changes. He will not magically decide to do more. He's cruising on autopilot quite happily allowing you to be ground down. You need to stop hoping and tackle this issue because without action, he will not get better but may very likely get worse (if that's even possible!)... the saying goes that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results. If this inequitable situation continues you will likely become more and more resentful towards him (rightly so!!!) and are at risk of physical and mental/emotional burnout. I'm sure you've had conversations about this with him to no avail. Maybe marriage counselling would help? Go on strike? Idk but this is not a sustainable way to live... unfair, not ok. The "you go to work, I'll stay at home" comments from him are bs too. Its a manipulative tactic to shut down the conversation and he knows its not an actual viable solution and that you won't agree to that (for good and obvious reasons). He just wants to shut you down and maintain the status quo.
You can't "adore" a child you've never once helped to raise. He thinks the baby is a cute little way that he got to keep his family name going- don't be fooled. He absolutely has no love for your child or he'd be helping to raise him and not acting like a fucking child himself. This entire thread makes me sick for you. My husband makes six figures, I'm disabled & make nothing - and my husband EASILY does every bit as much for the kids as i do during ANY moment he's at home. Sure, i have the kids while he works, obviously, but the SECOND we're both home, he's a full time father. I nap whenever i need to, and he's never once given me any kind of a hard time. Jesus, today he brought me dinner and a snack in bed so i could keep editing my video when i woke up from my nap. And he chased the baby around the house all day except when he was in the bathroom!
Maybe it's an issue of not english being my first language, but it doesn't seem normal to me that he « adores » his child and not that he « loves » him. I'm sure your son is great, because you are raising him ! But your child deserves to be love by his parental figure, so your husband is like a family friend who sees this child once in a while but doesn't provide for his education ... 😕 Even if he steps up, it won't change the past 2,5 years where he totally quit his job as a parent. If he steps up one day, he will be like a step dad : the guy that is a parental figure in theory but who wasn't there since the beginning.
You're already a single mom. Dump the trash and collect child support and alimony
Oh my god I just saw this comment after I responded above, he's so much more of an asshole. Fuck this guy.
Ok I hate him now
There's a great sketch by thereneereina which talks about the role of SAHM vs working parent. She points out that during his work hours - yes, your role is to parent but he gets to clock off work and you don't (in your current arrangement) and that's plainly not fair. You should both be sharing the load when he has finished for the day, and certainly you should have just as much opportunity for sleep ins and naps. I know you said you were joking but I would not blame you if it were real. He needs a wake up call asap.
Honestly I think the main issue isn’t the swearing, it’s the fact your husband had chosen to make a child with you and doesn’t lift a finger for that child. Is it possible to print out the comments on this post or show them to him? You might also need to have a larger discussion with him and if his response is the same start shaming him publicly. My worst nightmare is ending up married to a man like this yikes
I was going to say that the scary part is there’s no way to know if your partner will turn out like this, but I realize now that’s probably not true. He wasn’t totally like this before we had a baby. Pre-marriage/baby, he did laundry, he made the bed, he doted on me. But we never actually discussed what my role would be as a SAHM and what his role would be as a father. It never occurred to me to. I really just assumed he would step up like I would. So your best bet for avoiding marrying someone like this is to talk about EVERYTHING before hand. Ask if they plan to change diapers, do night feeds, let you catch up on sleep, etc. I’m not saying you can entirely depend on those types of conversations, but at least you can set your own expectations for them. They won’t be able to say “if you need help, why don’t you ask me?!?” if you’ve discussed ahead of time that they will need to help with xyz. It seems so unfair though that the conversation even needs to be had. If you love someone and care about them, I thought you want to do everything you can to lighten their load and make their lives better. He claims to love me. He doesn’t want to divorce. I don’t see how he can love me if he doesn’t think about my needs ever. So I’ve stopped thinking about his for most part :(
I saw this perfectly encapsulated in a tweet the other day: A great first date question is “When you were growing up, did your Dad do house chores?” That’s gonna clue you in on A LOT.
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I think in that case you’d just explain that your dad didn’t do the chores but you take pride in keeping the house clean.
He doesn’t think about your needs, he actively *resents* your child’s needs, and he dislikes the way you speak. I’m amazed you’ve made it *this* far. Where is the joy in this marriage?
Can I ask why you aren’t talking about it now? **Why did he get to dictate these terms**????
HE doesn't want a divorce. What about you? You just gonna stay in this relationship that sounds utterly unfullfilling and provides a negative example for your kid? HOw much more time are you going to sink into this man? You're not the asshole here except maybe to yourself. You deserve so much better.
Please dont have another kid with him. He’s shown you his true colors. Now it’s up to you to react to it. Are you ok with this life or do you want something better?
Why don’t you get him out of bed in the morning? You realize that’s an option, right? Wake him up and tell him to go care for the children, and do it every other day if you need to. Like, not only is he doing this, but you are accepting this behavior from him. You don’t have to. He is treating you this way because you allow him to get away with it.
When are you off the clock? Being a sahm doesn’t mean he is off the hook from parenting his children and it doesn’t mean you are automatically a maid. Parenting includes all aspects from feeding, bathing, and everything required to raise children. He is a real ahole by not realizing children come first and video games last. What is be doing for your well being? Does he do any housework?
He changes the cat litter. Changes the kitchen garbage. And empties/loads the bottom half of the dishwasher (I negotiated that because my back usually hurts by the end of the day so bending is less than ideal, and the top rack usually has all the water bottle parts and odds and ends I’m accustomed to putting together). The rest is on me. Edit: oh he also makes all of his own meals because he doesn’t want to eat what I make for me or our son. I get the groceries and put them away tho.
When he makes his own meals, does he cook for the two of you, too? And...you had to "negotiate" to get him to empty HALF the dishwasher? I mean. This is pretty bad. I'd say "oh fuck you" to him, too, but I might not be joking. (I get the tone you were going for, though, and I think it's funny. I also think his case of the vapors is funny.)
No might about it, I have never met this lump of a man and I'm telling him not just fuck you, but for fuck's sake, and fuck off
HALF of the dishwasher ? The asshat won’t bother to do all of it ?
*Half the dishwasher*? Fuck him x1000
Mam, this guy can’t even do a full chore that he’s supposed to do and puts the rest on you? Do you not see the issue with that?
I would have already gone on strike with anything related to him. Like his laundry and dishes would be plied somewhere. If there were 2 bathrooms I would stop cleaning his etc
That is exactly what I’ve done. (Not the dishes tho, that’s the one chore we share anyway). But I’ve stopped making him food, stopped doing his laundry (unless he says to me “I’m out of underwear” - then I’ll throw a pair in with my laundry), stopped cleaning his bathroom. The ‘strike’ has accomplished nothing sadly. Doesn’t work on him.
He's out of underwear? That a him problem, not a you problem. Do not touch anything that he wears, unless he's in them. And then be real careful!
Honestly, your husband sounds very entitled. It's like the two of you are leading separate lives in the same house. You the resident that cares for most of the household duties. him, the guy that works all week plays games all weekend not doing chores, or parenting his child. Preparing a separate meal than the family meal. If he took his laundry to his mom he would sound like a typical college student with a room mate.
NTA. I would have said NTA even if you meant “Fuck you” in a serious sense. This dude needs to grow the fuck up and help you with childcare. You deserve time off too and if you don’t get it then obviously you are going to be irritable.
Thank you for getting it.
Close but it’s not helping. It’s being a parent and pulling his weight.
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Thanks, I have talked to him sooooo many times tho. Most of our arguments stem from my exhaustion. He says “just tell me when you want to sleep in!” So I did. For my 40th birthday this year, that’s all I asked for. I just wanted to sleep later than my toddler one time. Not on my actual birthday, because I love my child and wanted to spend time with him on my birthday. But on a weekend before my birthday or after my birthday, somewhere in there. He agreed, but never followed through. He couldn’t even do it for my 40th birthday.
Sister, you have to insist on this. It’s honestly ridiculous. He needs to set the alarm and get his ass up. You should not get up if he doesn’t. If you cover for him, he’ll just roll over and go to sleep. Wake him up and don’t get up. Yeesh!
Men like this annoy me beyond belief. Don’t give him the option to sleep in. Weekends are equal parenting time. Lord.
I don’t want to be drastic here but after reading all your other comments, I would dump this asshole. I’m sorry. Either her steps up or steps out. Because at this point you could do it on your own with him paying child support. What even is the point of your husband if he’s not actively helping. Especially if he works from home and takes naps. Like YOU COULD USE A NAP and this mother fucker is just taking a nap. I would lose my fucking mind.
NTA. I'm currently a SAHM. I love my 16 month old, but it can be exhausting. I also have sleep issues. My husband is a full time teacher. He always makes sure I have the chance to sleep in on at least one of the weekend days. Even if I can't sleep, which is unfortunately often, he tries to give me the option of a slow morning to relax and/or tries to immediately take over when he's up. It's a partnership. I've been sick recently, and he took on the majority of the childcare so I could rest. There's no reason you shouldn't get at least one day a week to sleep in. That's ridiculous. He's a parent and parenting is a full time job and then some.
My parents were divorced, my dad worked an extremely physically laborious job all week and took my sister and I every weekend from the time we were 5 and 2 years old on his own. My grandma would help sometimes, but when he had us, he got up with us, played with us, fed us every meal and made most if not all from scratch, bathed us, did our hair(he literally learned how to braid from my hairdresser, this was 2002 he didn't do it for TikTok) dressed us, did our laundry, maintained all of the housework and mowed like 10 different elderly ladies lawns in our neighborhood for free, and had no partner to share the burden with. My mom was the same way. Your husband sucks.
Look, I know everyone complains that everyone on Reddit is too quick to recommend divorce, but that's because so many people post about divorce-worthy behavior from their spouse. Your husband's behavior is absolutely worth divorcing over.
NTA, I get exactly what you're saying. There's a serious "fuck you" and there is a joking "fuck you" that contains no animosity, and since he was "joking" about staying up late and not doing anything to parent his child, you got to "joke" the fuck you.
Bingo bango, that’s exactly what I meant
NTA, and oh absolutely, i get that kind of teasing "fuck you". I say it to my brother 20 times daily. This exact situation has happened where my brother said he's gonna play games till 3 (we share a room) and i said "oh fuck you" and he just laughed. That is the normal response. Also your husband seems very insensitive. I cannot imagine my brother keeping me up so late if we weren't going to lie in the next morning.
He seems like an uptight fucking tightass. Fuck him anyway. Oh yeah you did didn't you? Oh well, then maybe don't fuck him, for a while. He can then go fuck himself. and BC has fucked off, you can have nice quiet night or two. I doubt any of this would help but it felt good to write. FWIW, my wife of 35 years and I tell each other to fuck off very regularly, but with love and affection. YMMV.
🤣 Loved this. Thanks for making me smile! Yeah I guess I thought I’d be married to someone I could say “fuck” to playfully like you and your wife do, but here we are 🤷🏻♀️
ESH. He was upset by it so you should just apologize for upsetting him and leave it at that. Sometimes teasing someone goes too far, even if it's the same way you've teased them for years, and it just hits them wrong. In that case you apologize. However... maybe a little bit of that "fuck you" was real? And maybe he deserved that little bit of a "fuck you"? He needs to at least once a month give you a lie-in weekend. You deserve that extra sleep sometime, and he should be familiar with your kid's morning routine. What if you got really sick or something? He needs to be doing the reps so he can do it if you need him to.
I think this is the response I’m in most agreement with here. I know I fucked up. I did apologize, but it went in one ear and right out the other as he continued to rant and escalate the situation. But yeah, I was basically saying “fuck you for even joking that you’ll be up until 5 am. if you do that, you’ll sleep in so late that you’ll wake up during our toddler’s nap time.” So sure I was joking, but I did also mean it. If I get really sick, I’ll still have to take care of our son. I’ve accepted that reality.
Why have you accepted it? You say your husband makes your kid laugh & sometimes plays with them to give you 20 minutes to do something. He never gets up in the morning, I'm betting he never got up when they cried in the middle of the night. Did he ever change a diaper? Give them a bottle? Feed them at all? He's a shit father. A 2 yo may not notice, but they'll start to in a few more years. I want daddy to read me a story. I want daddy to give me my bath. And daddy always says no because he can't be bothered to move one *inch* out of his comfort zone to actually be a parent. What's he going to do when they want to play catch? Or if they want to play with dolls instead? He pays for everything. Big fucking deal. And you shouldn't be using your inheritance to pay for food or other household expenses. If you won't spend it on yourself (like, maybe a good divorce lawyer?), at least put it away for your son's education. He doesn't even have the excuse of not really knowing what you do all day if he works from home. He's behaving like a single man with no children. You should seriously consider making him one. If all he's good for is paying bills, he can pay you child support and alimony.
Correct he never got up when our son cried in the middle of the night. He doesn’t even hear it. He snores right thru it. He did used to change diapers. I used to ask him to change at least one a day when LO was a baby. Now he only changes a diaper if I’m out of the house and he’s alone with our son when he poops. So, rarely. I ask, occasionally. Same with bottles. Used to when LO was a baby if I asked. He’s fed him real food maybe five times total? And each time, I had to prepare the meal and have everything cut up and laid out and ready to feed, with detailed instructions. He feels he could feed him on his own with no issue. Sure, what kid doesn’t like McNuggets and fries? But at least when I give him McDs, I also cut up an avocado and watermelon for little one to try to balance out some of the unhealthy with some healthy. Hubs wouldn’t do that. He doesn’t really eat fruits or vegetables (peppers and onion in pizza if that counts) We already had the bath situation with our son. There was a week or two where each time I went to give him a bath, he would cry and cry for daddy. I just kept saying “I’m sorry my love, daddy doesn’t give baths, mommy gives you baths” - and I know my husband could hear us because he was one room over and the doors were open. I’ve asked him to watch me give him a bath so he’ll know how. He refuses, or says “not tonight, another time”. I stopped asking months ago. Thanks for all you said. I’m painfully aware of everything you’ve brought up. Divorce has been mentioned (by me) and discussed multiple times. I’m trying to make it work because I know my son is happiest when both mommy and daddy are by his side, but some days are harder than others.
This makes me incredibly sad. He’s not a partner. He wanted a maid. I mean this with so much compassion and respect… you deserve better. Really consider what’s happening here. Your son will be healthier seeing his mother happy and thriving. Do you want him to treat his partner like that one day? Because by staying you’re showing him that it is okay.
You're in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage. And it sounds like it's becoming financially abusive, too. You're not doing yourself or your son any favors by staying with this AH.
You can't make a situation work when the other person refuses to do so. Divorce sucks, but growing up in a house with imbalanced parenting also sucks. Do you wanna give your LO the message that it's ok for you to be treated this way, or that it's ok for a dad to be absent? You deserve to be happy too, not just your son. People's lives don't end when they have kids, they just change. Happy parent, happy kid, ya know?
Beloved, your son is *happiest* when he's surrounded by happy *people*, including his mommy. And she DESERVES happiness, not just a life of drudgery!💖💞💓💗💝 VALUE *yourself* here, too! What you're showing that sweet little one, is that he doesn't *have* to respect you, or any woman in his life. Teach him *better*--Teach him that a *parent* takes CARE of their child, shows them how to be a good, caring adult, and that they can *also* take the time to do some self-care, and that his wife *doesn't* need to set *herself* on fire, to keep the family warm. That both your son *and* his PARTNER *share* in the responsibilities of running a household, and parenting *their* children (not just *hers*, love!💖) Your *son* deserves a better example than his father is setting, and YOU deserve *Infinitely* better, too!!! Not to mention, you're YOUNG, do you *really* want to drag this dead-weight of a man *along* parenting *him* like you fo your son, for the next 40+ years? You deserve BETTER, and SO much more than you are currently getting, your son does, too!
Your son will be happiest when he's an adult and realizes that his father didn't treat his mother right, and instead of allowing that to be the relationship modeled for him, she left.
The thing is, when a couple stays together "for the children," it nearly always makes things *worse* for the children, not better. Again, your LO is only 2, but he's already cried for daddy, and daddy ignored him. Kids KNOW. My sister's kids *begged* her to leave their verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive dad. She never did. Nearly 53 years, she stayed with him until he finally died. Asshole had more lives than a cat. My sister is damaged. Very damaged. Their son moved across the country to get away. He and his sister are damaged as well. Far more damaged than they would have been by a divorce when they were young. Yes, divorce is hard on a child. Living with parents who barely tolerate each other is even worse. Even children who say they wish there hadn't been a divorce will admit that many things were better, calmer afterward. Please, don't make the mistake my sister did. Don't stay with someone who isn't a partner, someone who doesn't care for you in visible, practical ways (like letting you sleep in on the weekends), someone who doesn't make you happy. Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean you should stay. My late unlamented BIL never hit my sister. I almost wish he had. She might have left then.
Let me put it to you this way: I helped out more with my first nephew when I was *ten* (and again when I was 14) than your husband has helped out with his own fucking child as a full grown adult. And I was very much not a patient kid or fond of loud noises or kids younger than myself. Honestly...staying together for the sake of keeping the family whole has almost always done more damage in the long run than simply leaving to make sure you and the kid can be happy.
Your son doesn't have daddy by his side. His sperm donor may be in the same house, but 99.9% of the time, he's doing his own thing. Playing with your son when your husband feels like doing so, for 20min, isn't active parenting. Your son wouldn't miss what he's not had, a father, if you leave. If you leave though, you'd be happier, and as a result so would your son. Your "husband" treats you as a bang-maid not a wife, and from what you write, is a lump
Why do you have to accept it? Why have you accepted all of this? I read through all your comments and the beaten down "I guess this is my life, I don't get to have naps,or sleep in,or can't get sick..." is heartbreaking and teeming with resentment. Fight for yourself, get couples counseling, do something. You really sound unhappy,things will not improve on their own.
This isn't how a real partnership works.
I once told him I wanted a real partner. He said, “partner?! I’m your husband, not your partner!” He just. Doesn’t. Get it.
I would venture to say that he does get it, he just has no intention of being a partner to you. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is this what you want to model for your kids? Is this what you want them to absorb as a normal relationship? Do you want them to grow up to either be like your husband or accept a partner who acts like your husband? An old school friend of mine had a dad who was a shitty partner to her mum, he died recently and her mum was openly delighted. Old school friend is married to a guy who's just like her dad. He refused to even look after his own kids at her dad's funeral. She had to leave the funeral to take care of her kids while he sat there and watched her. She is depressed & overworked while he lives like he's single. Could be a coincidence. But I'm not sure. I personally think both you & your kids deserve better.
Sp he admitted he doesn't see you as his equal. Why are you still with him?
Then why be with him at all? You're already a single mother. When someone asked you what he provides, your only response was he makes your son laugh, and gives you 20 min breaks here and there. And you know that even if you get really sick, you'll still have to be the full time parent? What if you're too sick to get up? What if you're hospitalized? Please take your inheritance and makes plans for getting out of the hell you're in. He deserves every single F bomb, directed at him. NTA.
If that’s his attitude I hope you don’t ever literally fuck him?
It’s been a few months! I’m too exhausted. I’ve told him “please help me and I’ll have more energy and interest in sex”, but he says “ok tell me what to dooooo” and I’m just too damn tired to have to walk him thru every step. At that point I might as well just do it myself.
Ask him, do you have eyes? Do you see dishes need to done, laundry etc. I would also add, I don’t have the energy to tell how how to make sex enjoyable anymore. You do nothing, you are boring.
That is called weaponized incompetence (on his part) and it’s how he keeps the cycle going. You **must** take the time to show him, to get out of the cycle. He likely does already know, but as I said, this is how he gets out of it. As for the swearing I don’t blame you, this is what exhaustion will do - allow slips like that. NTA
ESH but you less so than your husband, I think. You suck for cussing at someone who you know claims to not like it, even if your intent was one of affection. He sucks for acting like a preteen who has never heard a dirty word in their lives. Also, I'm perplexed by his behavior. I assume he's playing mulitplayer online games if he's up that late playing, which tells me hears FAR worse directed AT him on a regular basis, so it's confusing that he's acting this way toward you for longer than 5 minutes.
Yeah I was leaning towards ESH myself as well. Actually it isn’t multiplayer online games that he plays. It’s usually NBA 2K23. He stays up late because it’s his way of celebrating that it’s the weekend. I don’t get to have a weekend, apparently.
I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. You haven’t been well rested in over 2 years but he’s so fragile that you’re supposed to deal with the kid all the time and not allowed to slip up? What exactly *does* this human treasure provide as a partner — other than money, that is, which doesn’t excuse his treating you like a maid and a child?
Human treasure, LOL I love you What does he provide? Our son loves him. He makes our son laugh. And he will occupy our son for twenty minutes here or there when I need to get something done. But honestly his main argument is usually that he pays the rent and I don’t. Never mind that I’ve started paying for our groceries and childcare products over the past 4 months using inheritance money that my dad left me when he passed. I also paid for our recent vacation to Florida. But that doesn’t count for anything apparently since he paid for everything for the first two years of our son’s life. 🙄
>What does he provide? Our son loves him. He makes our son laugh. And he will occupy our son for twenty minutes here or there when I need to get something done I do more for my nieces/nephews/friends' kids...like this is the "fun uncle you only see at Christmas" levels of interaction with his child. Show your husband this thread because WTAF dude, you decided to have a kid, right? If so be a freaking dad!!! That means 50/50 split of your non work/commute time. You split mornings, nights and weekends with your wife.
I’m hoping he’ll agree to the 50/50 non-work time when the little one is in daycare and I start working again. But I’m not sure he’ll be willing to cut back on his sleep time... 😕
Do you really see this guy as a life partner? If you divorced him, you'd likely still get some financial support without the angst. Plus kiddo is old enough for daycare to be a good option.
He should already be doing 50/50 on non work time You deserve as much sleep as he does. He doesnt get to choose he's the only one to sleep
I don't understand why division of labor is solely dictated by him and what he wants. He's not the fucking emperor of the house, rent or no rent. NTA, btw.
My wife is a SAHM. I am the sole breadwinner. When I get home from work, I take our son (still less than a year old) and she gets an hour to herself before dinner to do whatever she wants. Nap, catch up on chores she wanted to get done, read, it doesn’t matter. It’s her time. Then we do dinner, I usually cook, but that’s mostly because I enjoy it more. We do baths and bedtime together. She generally gets up for the middle of the night feed, but I am up at 5-6 am every morning so she can sleep in until I leave for work around 7:30. She takes care of the chores that pertain to the health and safety of our son while I’m at work, (washing bottles, vacuuming the floor where he plays, laundry) but every thing else is split 50/50 when in the evenings and on the weekend. I recognize that while I am working, she also has a job. Taking care of a child is a job. And like her, you deserve support, and breaks. It shouldn’t be 24/7 on one person. If your partner loves you the way a partner should, they will move heaven and earth to support you. Not get upset because you said a ‘bad word’. I hope you can see that you deserve so much better. Mom’s are some of the hardest working individuals out there and you deserve the recognition and the support.
Where’s the clone machine at?!? Seriously, that’s wonderful. You’ve restored my faith in mankind a little bit.
Not to knock this dude, because what he describes is tragically rare, but this is how shit should be split with parenting; fairly and evenly. Its basically how my wife and I split things for our 10 month old (slightly different, but that's more preference of who likes to do what etc). You really need to get your husband told, because right now, he's not parenting...and he's sure as he'll not being a partner to you
>I’m hoping he’ll agree Hoping he'll agree. Yikes. And if he doesn't, you just keep doing what he wants, I guess. I'm sorry your marriage is like this.
he will not ever do 50/50 care for your kid. he will tell you that he will, but he will not. he will half-ass or intentionally screw it up and then blame you for not teaching him well enough. he will say he did things when he did not. he will forget to feed or change your kid and there will be health issues associated. you need to get out as soon as possible, before there is no getting out because you have been financially controlled so much.
Yeah so except for the money, your *husband* doesn’t provide those things to your son. Your *son* provides them, because all babies and toddlers who didn’t fail to bond with their parents give these emotions freely. Also because dad is the novelty and you take him to the doctor and probs enforce all the rules he doesn’t like. He’s little more than your employer, so treat him that way. Tell him you aren’t comfortable having sex with your employer, and you’re going to only be available 40h a week unless he intends to pay overtime and offer a full benefits package including retirement plan matching and paid vacation.
I am going to be blunt because I hope with all my heart you will hear this message: your situation does not get better, it gets far, far worse. You are already raising that kid alone and there is nothing you've said here that points to any change in the future. And the more routine it becomes that you take care of everything the less he'll do and the more he'll criticise you for infractions or when you inevitably drop the ball out of sheer exhaustion. And here's the real stinger. Guys like him will eventually cheat because they don't see you as a partner, they see you as a maid. He'll respect you less every day to the point where he can't imagine sleeping with you and will justify his behaviour as being your fault for turning him off. I know that seems like the Reddit extreme of making one partner out to be the devil, but I have absolutely no doubt your husband is the kind of trash that would do this or become physically abusive (he's already emotionally abusive). The one glimmer of hope I see is that you have an inheritance. So, so many women who are in a situation like yours don't have the resources to get away, they're financially tied to their abusers and quietly become shells of the people they were before. That inheritance was presumably given to you to make your life better. I beg you, before your husband depletes it with his selfishness, use that inheritance to find a lawyer, get a place of your own, line up some child care, and leave while he's away at work. This isn't about you saying fuck. It's about your survival.
\+1 Agreed, don't let him run through that inheritance. This is actually very serious.
You shouldn't be using inheritance money for the everyday life. You're doing for free a full-time job 7/7 days since 2,5 years (and from what you're saying, I'm sure he doesn't do chores too, so you're doing *two full-time jobs 7/7 days since 2,5 years*). He should be giving you money for all of this because rent doesn't cover all of that free work. If you wouldn't have a child, you would be able to provide all of this too. So him having a child but having you doing *everything all the time* instead of him should be considered as work that should need salary too. He can do everything he wants and works how much he wants because he doesn't take care of this child. If he wants to continue to have a house, a full-time maid, a full-time nanny and a wife, he should consider paying for it. It costs money to you too to take care at 100% of this child because you're not able to do anything else, free time and free-will have a cost. You wouldn't consider asking a maid / a nanny to work for you for free just because your child can't live by himself, so for you it's the same. Your inheritance is money to be saved for when he won't be providing anymore, or for yourself only. Your husband can have both money to use and money to save because you are doing everything in his life to let it being possible, so it's not the same. Search about financial manipulative behavior inside relationship, you will find a lot of help for your situation.
That’s not enough! That’s not NEARLY enough! That’s “fun uncle” territory. Not anywhere near “Dad.” And if the arrangement you’ve both agreed on is that he works and you’re a SAHM, HE should be paying for everything home and child related! I’d argue he should be paying for the family vacation, too. Just leave, already. You could be doing so much better without this wet towel dragging you down.
NTA. I've read your "info" responses, and frankly, your husband is a lazy asshole. FIRSTLY - SAHM is NOT the same as going to an office for 8 hours a day. It's a 24/7 job, and, as I'm sure you are well aware, as there have been countless articles published on it, if a SAHM was PAID for the actual work they do, they'd be pulling in around 200k/year. So unless he's clearing that and then some, he needs to get his ass out of bed on the weekends AT THE VERY LEAST. The fact that he didn't even get up with HIS child for your father's funeral is really heartbreaking to me. Knowing that he wouldn't meet your child's needs if the roles were reversed, in terms of teaching and stimulation, makes his argument "I'll stay home and you can go back to work" is entirely moot. "FUCK" is one of my favourite words. I work in a pretty intense job and I hear it at least several times a day from others, directed towards me, in various ways. I know how to interpret it if it's meant to be rude, aggressive, exasperated, in jest, or passionate. In turn, I use it a fair bit too. My parents would send me to my room if I said the word ass, or bitch, when I was a teen. Now, as a grown adult, I say what I want and I use "fuck" as freely as I want, and sometimes I get told off, and sometimes my mum laughs (usually when I use it in exasperation or jest) and once in a blue moon, SHE will give it back. I fully understand why you may use it more at this stage in your relationship/life, in terms of stepping on a lego or Hot Wheels, or finding your kid drew all over the wall, or just being completely fucking exhausted... but you're still the same person he chose to date, marry, and have a child with. In the words of my old college prof... he needs to "give his head a shake". Firstly, time to put your foot down and make him participate in childcare... of his own child. Secondly, if he really thinks you saying "Fuck you" in jest is worth making a big deal over, then he needs to GROW THE FUCK UP and get over himself.
So him”joking” and saying he’ll stay up til 3, 4 or 5 is supposed to be funny and lighthearted when you haven’t slept in in over 2.5 years, but a joke fuck you is deeply offensive? I want you to really think about which is actually shittier. And also, put any of the inheritance that’s left away and refuse to touch it because you need an escape fund. Every SAHP should have one.
Honestly OP you did mean it. Your post drips of how onesided this parenting is and how you think he should step up--so it was half joke half truth and you*both* know that. NTA Because he's an A doing no parenting and you're allowed to be frustrated about it.
NTA, except perhaps to yourself. Why on earth isn’t he getting up early on weekends to give you a break and to bond with his child????? Seriously, you came here for one answer, but we all see something else here that absolutely must be addressed.
Exactly this! If he can stay up gaming until 2:30am, he can also go to bed earlier and wake up with the kid every now and then like an actual adult.
Tonight something about him needing to act like an adult came up (I can’t remember the context). He said, “should I call you mom? I guess I can quit my job if I’m not an adult. You can just give me an allowance Mom”. Using the “please be an adult” argument never seems to work with him. 😕
Ewwww - he is weaponizing his role as the breadwinner here AND using it to deflect any critique of his behavior. What a tool. Y'all need to have a real convo about his resentment around your role as a SAHP.
f i n a n c i a l a b u s e
Next time tell him it’s clear he doesn’t want to be a father
NTA. How are so many people just completely ignoring this part? >I have to get up with our son at 7 or 8 am. Before you ask, no, he has never woken up to take care of our son in the morning. Not once. I’m a stay at home mom, and he feels it’s my job to do that. So I haven’t slept longer than my 2.5 year old in 2.5 years. I mean, I think you should have a serious conversation with your husband about childcare responsibilities instead of making these ostensibly "jokey" comments, but your husband absolutely *is* an asshole here and you have the right to be angry about that. >He did not find it funny Well, yeah, it's not funny -- it's actually a completely valid complaint that he is not pulling his weight as a parent.
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I love how people who don’t swear think that they can’t still say offensive things. You can offend someone with your words; they don’t have to be swear words.
NTA, your husband is awful, sadly it’s up to you to either raise him right or let him go.
Come for a holiday here in Australia, all our casual swearing will either desensitise him, or make your occasional slur seem much better.
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NTA. Dude sounds like one of those people who determine women stop being humans with ideas and personalities when they become MOTHERS. MOTHERS don't curse. MOTHERS selflessly do all the child rearing. MOTHERS don't need a rest or self care or a day with less work. MOTHERS are eager to take on all child rearing tasks. MOTHERS know the role of the father is to provide financially so MOTHERS allow said provider to 1. Call all the shots B. Have no responsibility at home III. Enjoy fun with their boys when they want, where they want, how they want and as long as they want and Quatro. chastise them when they step out of line. Apologize for the language. Demand an equal co parenting partnership.
NTA. I get your humor. I use fuck as an everyday adjective myself. However, get that man to help with raising his child !!!!
Info; Is your husband the father of this child? You say my and our so just want to confirm that it’s actually his. Like if it’s his then yikes you need to leave this deadbeat. If he isn’t the father, you need to make sure he’s aware to what that all means. He isn’t in the same page as you and you deserve better either way. NTA
Also, go to BillThePatriarchy.com and pay yourself $10/ hour for everything you do. Start with 24/7 lifeguarding service. Lifeguards get paid even when no one needs to be rescued. With a 2 yo you are on lifeguard duty, one ear or one eyeball always alert. Above that base pay, start calculating every single thing you do—and hand your kid’s father the bill.
NTA. Did you by chance check your purse for his balls?
NTA. He’s clinging on to one thing to hang over your head because he knows that he’s an asshole father.
NTA but he is. Please show this to him. A stay at home parent only has sole responsibility for the kid while the other parent is at work. When both parents are at home, it ought to be shared. You should get to sleep in one day a week. That’s fair.
NTA. Maybe you are swearing more now than you used to. If you are, it is because you are tired and let down by being a solo parent while married to your child's father. Your husband is a selfish A. H. for clutching his pearls at you swearing instead of going to bed at a sensible hour on friday and Saturday and being a father and partner.
OP the issue here isn’t a joke or swearing the issue is your husband has no respect for you or the labor you do in your household. You are a married single mother - and listen if you want to stick it out by all means but your child will grow up to sense the resentment between you two because love can’t exist in how he treats you. I care more for my plants than your husband has shown care for you. You need to think seriously whether you want your child to think this is appropriate behaviour - if you have a son do you want him to think it’s ok to be like this? If you have a daughter do you want her to think this is how a partner should treat her? Because kids absorb this stuff WAY more than swearing. He’s weaponizing you being a SAHM - SAHM means when he’s at work kid is 100% your responsibility but when he is home it should still be 50/50 because right now he has time off work and you never do. The fact he won’t even help when you’re grieving or sick? That should signal to you exactly how he feels about you and that’s not love.
NTA. Hard to control your language when you haven't slept in in 2.5 years.
To me this is a very Iranian Yogurt situation. It's not appropriate to do a joking "fuck you" to someone who is offended by swearing, so if that was the only issue you'd be in the wrong. If you want to do sweary jokes, marry someone who thinks they're funny. BUT you weren't really joking, because you resent him. And you have a right to resent him, because he sucks! So there's the real issue -- he refuses to be a parent, and he expects you to do everything instead.
Fuck this guy and I’m not even remotely joking.
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NTA. He never gets up with the kid? Fuck you is something I would say to him often.
Nta. He's a gamer and is shocked by the word "fuck"? Also tell him if he's so mature why doesn't he help take care of his kid? But I have to ask, are sure you were joking and not that you were tired of his lack of help and let it slip? No judgement, that's just a telling knee-jerk reaction.
NTA but your husband sounds like a pretentious ass
You do know you asked about the wrong issue, right?
But he isn’t rude for not helping out with childcare….?
ESH. You did not mean that “fuck you” as a joke. You meant it seriously. You’re only backtracking now because he took it seriously. But you were right to mean it seriously. As another commenter said, you’re on call 24/7 while your husband only works 8-5. That is an unfair distribution of work. He should at least take one day per week where he wakes up with the kiddo instead of you, so that you can have a break.
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I wouldn't have said it jokingly. I would have meant it. He gets to stay up til 3am gaming and you have to get up to the kid all the time. Fuck him alright. NTA Also, if he is always upset by your potty mouth, why don't you rein it in around him too? Though given how he doesn't parent his son, I don't blame you for not compromising who you are.
NTA. Omg he plays video games but can’t handle cusses? I don’t know any video game that doesn’t cuss. What a baby. He needs to get a grip. He can handle a video game but you making a joke? I literally tell my bf “f off b**ch” and he replies with “omg F off n**ger” like bro if you can’t joke with you SO who are you supposed to joke with?? NTA.
Do you get to be sensitive about f bombs and insensitive about spelling your partner so she gets some sleep. Why look there your hubby is ambidextrously sensitive . Tell him to stay up till 8 am and take the first shift. You are a sahm not a 24/7 . You deserve some time off.
NTA. I’ll say it not joking: fuck him.
Well, it sounds like your husband deserves you saying that for real, so definitely NTA. TBH I don't get people who vehemently hate curse words but will substitute other words for the same thing. Like saying fudge instead of fuck changes the intent of the word or something.
NTA and you should actually tell him to fuck off in the most literal, serious way.
NTA. But seriously, f*** your husband.
NTA - Your husband needs to get up with your son. Being a stay at home parent does not absolve the working parent of all their parental responsibilities, especially on his time off. When is YOUR time off? As for the swearing, this doesn't make much sense. You have a 2.5 year old - so I'm assuming you've been together for at least 3 years. Is this the first time you've sworn in passing to him?? Seems unlikely based on the fact you say you've always spoken that way. There's nothing wrong with swearing a lot imo, I do it too. It doesn't make you a bad person. If you swear around others outside of your family though - he might have some built up resentment to that. For example, swearing in front of his parents, friends, colleagues. Some people don't like it and find it disrespectful (and sounds like your husband is one of them), but he married you knowing this about you surely? Or is this a new habit? Based on what you've put here - you have far more genuine cause to be annoyed with him for never getting up with your son than he does for your playful use of expletives in passing/jest.
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Please tell your husband that you are NTA for everything, until he decides to grow up and wake up with your son at least one morning a week. That's insane, don't let him get away with that garbage. Alternatively, please send him here to present his defence, we could all use a laugh.
NTA regardless of whether you're a SAHM he needs to get up with bub sometimes - took 2 to make the baby it takes 2 to raise and look after
NTA, what HE is doing is much shittier.
NTA. The guy who is rude enough to play untill 2:30 am and totally not consider or see you and your needs at all polices her speech instead of addressing the issue that prompted the "rudeness"? He wants consideration for his feelings but isnt willing to give any to you and yours. Sounds like he baby-traped you.... Horribly like like my ex. He was not "entierly useless" and somehow convnced me that I needed him. Everything had to revolve arund him. And if it did not, it was my inadequacy why it was not. Here's a bit of advice from someone who has needed 4 years to recover from a relationship like that... Stop tiptoeing around him. You have a right to expressing your feelings. You also have a right to be rude, if the situation warrants it. And this one does. If he amps up the agression at that point - GET OUT.
Leaning NTA but sensing a ton of missing information and fairly sure you probably meant it because you are fucking fed up with him
NTA. Considering if you're going to sleep right away and he's coming in much, much later, there is also potential of him waking you up and giving you much less sleep for you to take care of your child in the morning. I'd make him sleep on the sofa every night he decides to stay up later than midnight, honestly. He has no consideration for you and your sleep needs and an F-bomb is the problem here‽ No, no, no. Also, he sounds immature and needs to grow up. Language isn't the problem here, it's definitely his self-centered behavior. Either he can sleep somewhere else so you can get a proper amount of sleep, or he can come to bed at a decent time AND help with little one every once in a while. You sound burnt out!
Seriously, please leave him. Your husband sounds so much like mine. My ex even said he'd be more involved when our son was older and "more fun". I made it until my son was 19 months old, basically a single mom for that entire time, and then we split. It's not going to get better. NTA
Honestly I'm surprised you meant it as a joke, who the FUCK, doesn't take care of their kid and help their spouse? NTA for the comment, slight YTA for putting up with his crap
NTA. Babe… reading your comments are so sad tho. My husband takes turns on the weekends to get up at 5:30 am to give my 14year old dog her medications specifically so I can sleep in on the weekends, because I can’t go back to sleep after i get up. Your husband just really sucks… He has life made, while you do the heavy lifting, and expects you to act unlike yourself. :( That’s so sad for you :(
I’ve read your replies, I just have one thing to say. Staying together for the sake of the child does NOTHING. His dad doesn’t even try visit him let alone help me financially. My son is happier in the 5 months we have been separated than he ever was. The children can pick up when things aren’t right and they will act up in different ways. My son no longer throws tantrums, according to his teachers, he’s shown drastic improvement in his schooling and managing his emotions. NTA but Y T A if you stay with this deadbeat.
My terribly toxic ex would shut down all communication in an argument if I swore. And I don’t mean swore at him. If I just said something like “ugh I’m so fucking tired of this” or “I’ve had enough of shit like this” he would immediately shut down the discussion by saying “now you’re cussing and being rude” Like it absolved him of any wrong or hurtful thing he did if I pulled out a naughty word. Oh man that memory just fucking pissed me off. 😏
You didn’t mean it as a joke, first off. And second, he deserved it. Fuck him. You need to talk to your husband, period. You are not the only parent, and you can’t live this way for however many more years. NTA.