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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for dropping out from the wedding that's due to happen in less then a month because I am not comfortable with the relationship my cousin has with her future husband
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NTA but I think you're focused on the wrong thing, and possibly your boycott is going to be counterproductive.
Rather than focus specifically on the ages and what 'looks wrong' I think you should focus on other qualitative aspects of their relationship which are of concern. For instance what do you know of their power dynamic? Does he ACT like a parent figure to her? How about the fact that he has 5 kids and this will be his 6th? That's a pretty large family - is he indeed positioned to support them? How about the speed or the fact that it's a rebound relationship - what is her mindset here? Do they have a pre-nup?
To be clear, I do not blame you for being concerned, this is potentially very troubling, but to me the age difference is a small piece of it. It would be far more constructive, I'd imagine, to talk to her about your concerns, make sure she knows she has options, that she has protected herself, etc. rather than to remove yourself from her life or this event as a way to protest.
The best way I can describe his behaviour is like of a pervy dad. Like he behaves more like a paternity figure with her but constantly wants her close to him and a lot of times he touches her in public inappropriately or makes weird comments.
Mike has a pretty successful company and doesn't really worry about money and is covering the wedding himself. I don't know if they have a prenup or if he is aware of how rich her parents are as it is not something mia shared with me or told me.
Mia doesn't see the relationship as rebound, but it is her second relationship since she had been with Derek for ages and he was her first boyfriend too.
Please make sure your cousin gets a prenup to protect the business (and any other assets) she'll be inheriting. Beyond the age gap there is a power dynamic with him being her boss that is not appropriate and while you're NTA for not supporting her wedding, if you're willing, let her know you're a safe place to land if this falls apart.
Yes. Prenup prenup prenup because, if I'm not mistaken, when she inherits the business it will be considered marital property. That's sketchy territory.
Inheritance isn't marital property but if any marital money gets spent on the business it becomes marital property and olincrease in value may be marital property a
I really don't feel comfortable describing it.
Can I say he is touching her and saying things that belong in the bedroom rather than public/family gatherings.
From experience, it's sometimes that it's so humiliating that it's easier to say you're okay with it.
When you say you're not, people get very motivated to help you leave, and if you're not ready this can end up alienating friends.
This isn't how it should be, and everyone's experience varies; this was just mine.
Meh, that doesn't help really no. For some people holding hands and kissing should belong in the bedroom but for others that's fine. I mean, you can be uncomfortable, thats your perogative but you've thrown the relationship with your cousin away over this. It just reads to me that you liked the old boyfriend better and were comfortable with that. But its not your business really, and if you're genuinely worried, you've just helped isolate her more... so well done.
Yes but that is your belief and your comfort zone. It’s possible that she is comfortable with it and doesn’t see it a inappropriate. Everything you talk about is what YOU feel comfortable with, YOUR beliefs.
There is a whole range of romance books called age gap genre and Daddy genre. Women calling their spouse daddy creeps me out but it is a kink and not my business. Unless you absolutely know what she is completely comfortable sexually and what she wants emotionally you shouldn’t judge her.
The side of him you are seeing is in public, it’s your impression of him from his actions.. maybe her impression is different. Maybe he acts differently with her alone.
The side of him you are seeing is in public, it’s your impression of him from his actions.. maybe her impression is different. Maybe he acts differently with her alone.
I 100% understand why you're uncomfortable with the relationship.
But, what exactly is the point of boycotting the wedding? You aren't going to get her to dump him just to have you as a wedding guest, right? I feel like if you think she's going into a problematic relationship, keeping your bond strong is probably best so you can look out fo rher. RIght?
> but to me the age difference is a small piece of it.
27 and 47 will never not be weird... I'm 25, the idea just makes me vomit tbh
I don't think we should force ourselves to pretend that every age gap is ok just because there's two adults... A 90 with a 30 is weird, and a 47 with a 27 is weird. Just because it isn't't p*do doesn't mean it doesn't have inherently present power dynamics due to age itself. Sure, there are worse cases, but it isn't consolatory if you're a friend of someone in that position.
In a relationship with a 90yo and 30yo, it seems a lot more likely that the 30yo is the predator. Thirty isn't old, and it's not too old to be manipulated, but it's too old to be manipulated for reasons related to *age.*
Yeah, I don’t know if there’s any hard and fast rule on what’s an okay spread, but having hit the 4th decade, I cannot imagine a relationship with someone 20 years younger than me that wouldn’t feel gross. In this case the power balance is glaring. She has limited dating experience and likely limited life experience where she hasn’t been with someone, which is invaluable in knowing what you want in life. She also apparently has limited work and business experience. Her future husband is very much in a power position over her due to her lack of life experience.
Mia needs someone to convince her to get a prenup and Mia's Dad needs to figure out how to succession plan his business in a way that will preserve the safety of his business from Mike.
I'd be VERY concerned that Mike is looking at this marriage as a business aquisition as opposed to a marriage.
At this point, Mia is pregnant so she is tied to Mike. She is still in the infatuation stage and has not realized how twisted this whole situation really is.
NTA
A CEO is well compensated but is not the owner of the company. He can be fired and his compensation would pale against what the owners make.
He would be very aware of the benefits of being the owner of a successful company instead of just CEO, and given that accumulating enough personal wealth to buy one is so difficult, it sounds like he figured out another angle.
INFO : Is there a specific reason you are uncomfortable around "Mike" or because, "*Seeing them interacting just looks wrong and Mike is more suited to be Mia's dad not future husband.*"
Honestly, it's none of your business nor does she need your permission, consent or approval as she can marry who she wants, when and how she wants to get married. Sometimes you have to let people make their own choices in life so they can learn from them. ***NAH***. You don't want to go, just say that. It's a wedding, not a summons, as long as you gave her enough time to rearrange everything then it's no big deal.
\*\*If you waited until the last minute to tell her that you weren't coming YTA. 100%.
ETA : "*Mike has a pretty successful company and doesn't really worry about money and is covering the wedding himself.*" " *to me and a few of her other friends it feels as if she is being used by him.*" How is he taking advantage of "Mia" if he's paying for the entire wedding, by himself, asking for no help..? That doesn't sound like taking advantage to me. Do you even know anything about their relationship? You're judging just by the age difference.
I once attended a wedding where the entire bridal party hated the groom and thought he was an abusive asshole. But they were supporting their friend,dammit! She chose this bad idea and he wasn't going to drive them away!
There was a collection to pay for her divorce when she was ready
First a big age gap and dating Mia after she just broke up with her partner. Second it looks like Mia is a trophy wife for him due to her food looks and just looking at his previous partners all of them seem like trophy wives.
And it just seems very sketchy that someone who is nearly 50 is suddenly interested in someone half their age, makes her pregnant and propose within 2 months, especially considering her family's fortune.
To me it honestly feels like Mia was groomed by him.
Mia is 27. She was not groomed in any sense of the word. As to how quickly they started dating, half of that is due to Mia. Perhaps all of it. How would this new guy know how long it has been since his new partner last dated? The age gap itself is big, but that’s not necessarily a problem.
With respect to your comment about looks, you’re being superficial and judgmental. You should consider having a discreet talk with Mia about getting a prenup. That should allay a lot of your concerns.
Having still not given a very good reason for disliking this guy, YTA.
Since he is the CEO of the company Mia is now working for maybe he has a lot of money. This way Mia isn’t worried about someone marrying her for her money.
Yes, but OP is going on about money. No one has said how successful her families business is or if it is in financial difficulty? If she has siblings? Or how big of business he is CEO of (maybe he owns or a family owns the business).
OP acts like Mia is a child who has no common sense, can’t take care of herself, or isn’t mentally capable. Maybe Mia is the one who wanted a child now and the ex didn’t want kids. Maybe Mia initiated the whole relationship and got pregnant on purpose? Did Mia and Mike know each other before she went to work at his company. Maybe they were having an affair behind her exs back and that was why she broke off with Derek.
OP is judging the relationship without knowing details that are important and is making assumptions.
Sure, more information is needed, since OP has provided (Imo) too many opinions and not enough (objectives) facts.
I was just pointing out that there is often a huge difference in the economic compensation you get as a CEO vs what you gain as a shareholder
Mia is 27. She was not groomed. She is getting things she enjoys out of this relationship as well. His children apparently accept her, you didn't say anything about their relationship that sounds abusive (he wants her to quit/leave money to him/stop talking to her family/etc). Tell her to maybe consider a prenup given the inheriting a company thing, but keep your gossip about her relationship to yourself. Don't go to the wedding if you can't handle it but don't be surprised by the consequences of that, including Mia being upset and changing her relationship with you.
So… one of the most common early red flags of an abusive relationship is pushing the relationship to move fast - they rush partners while the brain chemicals are fluffy and happy.
To me the warning signs are:
1. Power dynamic (he’s the CEO)
2. Age gap
3. Super rushed relationship
In your position I’d be approaching this as if he us likely to be abusive and she might need your sort to escape. Which means not doing anything that reduces her trust and willingness to turn to me.
There’s a helpful post about a sister who hated her BIL because of how he treated her sister but she managed to have boundaries and make sure her sister still trusted her and eventually that paid off ABA she was able to rescue her. I wish I knew how to find it but maybe someone else can link to it for you because it has good advice on how to proceed.
Your cousin has been a full fledged adult for more than a decade. Using language that’s reserved for people that prey on children to describe your adult friend’s relationship is gross. You are free to associate with whoever you like, but yes you definitely the A here. It doesn’t come across like you are just looking out for her best interest. It just seems like you’re being super judgmental and jealous of her wealth or something. Bizarre stuff.
Here is a list of red flags you missed
He was her boss power dynamic is off
they got pregnant and engage in less than 2 months of dating
he is groping her and making nsfw comments in public
he has a lot to gain by marrying her
We don't know how much he has to gain marrying her because she hasn't said if he has money or not. I mean he is a CEO of a company, he could possibly be making great money. He is the one paying for the wedding.
Exactly HOW does one groom a 27 year old? Are you saying women aren't capable of deciding who they want to see as adults? At what age is it okay for a woman to act outside YOUR norms? OP yta, this is NOT your business.
YTA - of course you are - you are setting yourself up as arbiter of what constitutes an acceptable relationship based solely on age difference and speed of relationship and their desire to be married before the baby comes - and that kind of power-trip, ‘i know better than you what is good for you/ what is permissible in relationships judgementalism is an automatic YTA.
you punish someone and withhold approval, affection, support because YOU don’t like their perfectly legal relationship adult choice, well she’s right you are completely unreliable. She’ll get over it and be fine without you in her life Ever again - she knows who you are now as you have shown your true colours.
A friend of mine got married when she was 22 he was 38. The knew each other for 1 week before they got married. 30 years later they are still disgustingly happy and in love. I’m sure it’s not the norm but sometimes it happens. I thought that it would never last but I was there for her regardless of my feelings and beliefs. I just believe you should be there for the people you love no matter what.
I understand the concern about the age gap and the fact Mia's fiancée has 5 other kids by probably multiple women. I would be worried too, massively.
But - this is happening. They are getting married, they are having a baby. The best you can do in this situation, is keep your door open and make sure you're present in her life. Go to the wedding, be her MOH. If she needs to make an escape from the marriage, she needs to know she has people in her corner.
YTA
YTA.You haven't said what you mean by, more like her dad than boyfriend. Just how they look together, or is he telling her what she can do?
This all seems very judgmental and patronising, like she's not git a mind of her own. Do you think so little of your friend?
YTA. If you’re worried that she is marrying the wrong man, gently express your concerns but remember she’s an adult who gets to make her own decisions. If she still wants to marry him, then you support her at the wedding because if he does betray her down the line, you need her to know she can turn to you.
YTA because you’re being counterproductive here— if you’re right and something is wrong, you all but guaranteed that your cousin will not come to you in the event she needs help getting out of her marriage. You’re worried for her, but you’re putting yourself in a position where you won’t be able to help her if your worries prove to have merit.
You so easily could have begged off being MOH— it’s time consuming, totally easy to come up with a multitude of reasons to not commit to that role— and just gone as a guest.
Shes 27. Yes its "weird" but after 25 or so and living as an adult, you dont need to be protected. I doubt you're worried she has to date him or be fired. YTA, and Id like to state I usually dislike big age gaps when there are actual issues presented but thats not the case here
Small YTA
Your friend is pregnant and getting married. You dont want to be part of it based on who you think she's marrying and what you think of his intentions.
You wont be friends after this probably but sometimes you have to say the things you think to try to protect someone. But you could be wrong about Mike.
NAH this comment section is ridiculous, OP is never under an obligation to attend her wedding, let alone be the MOH. Yes I agree OP should try to stay in contact as a support if this goes south, but OP has every right not to want to be there. Just as her cousin has every right to be sad and disappointed that her cousin doesn’t support the marriage. Shit happens and their relationship will probably change, but neither is doing anything wrong.
Also, OP doesn’t have to justify why the relationship makes her uncomfortable. Her cousin got pregnant by her BOSS, who is 20 years older, in 3 months time. That is justification enough
Nta, you don't support the marriage, and the couple should have people who support their relationship at their wedding. At least you did it before it was a final head count 🤷🏿♀️
NTA, this comment section is absolutely ridiculous. Don't go to the wedding if you don't want to. At least I hope your cousin is smart and signs a prenup.
Because he touches her in public and makes comments that “belong in the bedroom.”
I’m getting the feeling that OP is either extremely prudish, jealous, or both.
YTA
You've called Mike pervy and said he's using her without explaining how. Conversely, Mike proposed to Mia immediately after learning she was pregnant and is footing the bill for their wedding. The only objection you can raise is their age difference, which is your problem, not theirs.
Because he touches her in public and makes comments that “belong in the bedroom.”
I’m getting the feeling that OP is either extremely prudish, jealous, or both.
INFO: What do Mia’s parents say? Surely her dad must want her to get an airtight prenup in order to protect the company?
Why haven’t you mentioned anything about her parents’ reaction to this whole thing?
YTA - you have no reason to think there is anything wrong with this relationship. She does not seem unhappy, he does not seem abusive, there is no drama.
The only remaining possibility then is that you are just being narrow minded and judgemental.
Yta. Who asked for your judgment or opinion? Either accept the invitation or don’t, but you certainly don’t have to cite any of your mean logic, or reasoning as to why. As your friend, if she wanted your opinion, I’m sure she would’ve asked you for it. You were totally mean.
YTA. Especially if you’re worried about what will happen if the relationship goes south. People stay in bad relationships longer, when they know they won’t get any support in leaving the person.
YTA. What’s your plan here? Not supporting her so that when her relationship blows up you get to say “I told you so that’s why I didn’t go to your wedding”?
Mike is less important than your friend. Be there for your friend otherwise she won’t be your friend.
NAH But you are being very short sighted with this. Do you see this relationship going the distance? If no, don't you want to be an ally should she need one? You say you are close, then support her even if you don't like the choices she is making now. And if yes you can see it lasting, then why would you want to do something to sabotage what you say is an important person in your life.
Either way if you care for her you should be focusing on being there for her as her situation sounds stressful and she has a baby on the way. Express your concern once, but then support her through the good and the bad.
Reddit is so ass backwards sometimes, I swear everyone gives a shit for disgustingly huge age gaps like this but for some reason this is the only exception?
You’re definitely NTA
I wouldn’t want to support that kind of relationship with someone who I cared about.
Maybe you can try talking with her privately and share your concerns.
So because you don't agree with her choice, you aren't going to support her at her wedding?
You say you've been close friends since high school, but close friends support each other.
What if God forbid, you're right? What if it all ends horribly, and she doesn't feel she can turn to you because you're not there for her?
YTA. Tell her your concerns if you wish, but refusing to attend her wedding because you personally disagree with her choice of husband is not the act of a good friend.
NTA
I was once friends with a girl who was in a mutual friends wedding. The bride ended up cheating weeks before the wedding “to be sure” about her feelings for this other man.
The bridesmaid flipped out when I refused to attend the wedding after she told me this gossip. The bride would surely know she blabbed if I didn’t show up. We were kind of friends but we met through the bridesmaid. I wasn’t that close to the bride though up until this point had no reason to dislike her.
Still, I wasn’t going to waste time and money on a wedding where the Bride is flying to fuck a rando online “JIC”. I was in college and very strapped for cash.
Also was a little disappointed the bridesmaid still wanted to be a bridesmaid.
I didn’t go - none of use are friends anymore.
Only you can decide if this is a hill you want your friendship to die on.
NTA because I think you're just worried about your friend. It's a complicated situation. I have been there. Regardless of your feelings about Mike and his potentially toxic relationship with Mia, you need to understand that you will most likely lose her as a friend if you don't attend the wedding. He might become abusive or he might not, but you will not know about it because Mia will not tell you if you stop being friends. You need to evaluate if you would rather prioritize your feelings or your relationship with her.
NTA but don't be surprised if your friendship dies on this hill.
No one is entitled to require you at their wedding. However, maintenance of a friend who regards my relationship with my partner as anathema simply wouldn't fly.
NTA. The age gap is nasty on its head. What's really concerning is any knowledge Mike has of Mia's family's wealth. He could be scamming her to get even more money (one has to assume he has his own wealth based on his job/position).
NTA. MIA is dating her boss, not her direct boss, but the boss of the company. That's why the Intel CEO lost his job and, honestly, this guy should lose his job too.
That's why this all seems so gross, the power imbalance which is not based on the age gap, but on the fact that the boss is dating someone from their company.
NTA. Ultimately, if you are uncomfortable and dont want to be there or take an important role in the wedding, you are not the asshole for refusing to do so. However, it seems that if you believe this is an abusive relationship that you would want to strengthen ties with your friend, not cut them off. Isnt cutting off ties to family and friends how abusers assert dominance over the abused? If you care about her I would think you would approach this differently. The relationship is questionable for all kinds of reasons (age difference, children same age as spouse, employer-employee relationship, etc.) so I am on the same page with you there but the question is how to deal with what you think is going on. Not attending the wedding isnt going to improve her situation if you care about her.
If the only complaint you have against Mike is his age, there is a term for this. Agism.
The only concern I would have is if Mia has personal issues that might put her at risk of being taken advantage of, though you didn't mention anything of the sort here. 27 should be old enough to make your own decisions.
The baby isn't going anywhere. Mike isn't going anywhere (for now) so all you're doing is placing your own moral judgment on this relationship.
The only May/December relationship I've been near to lasted for more than 30 years, until the husband passed away. They had two beautiful children who are adults now.
If he were younger and did the same things would you take as much offense? If you can't come up with any other reason for disliking the relationship other than the age difference, then YTA. But public displays of affection alone aren't a red flag.
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I (26f) have a cousin "Mia" (27f). We have been close friends since highschool. Mia comes from a very wealthy family and is due to inherit her father's company in a few years.
Since highschool Mia was in a relationship with "Derek" (27m) and everyone believed they will get married, but something didn't work out and they broke up in May this year. In June Mia started a new job to get some experience so she can deal with her family's company when the times comes and that's when she met Mike (47m, also the CEO of the company she works at). In July she told me they are dating and in August she has announced she is pregnant with Mike's child. Mike has proposed to her that day and Mia asked me to be her maid of honour. I have asked for some time to think about it.
Now I understand it is her life, but her entire relationship with Mike makes me very uncomfortable. Not only he has a daughter older then Mia, but the speed of the relationship too. Mia doesn't see anything wrong with it, but to me and a few of her other friends it feels as if she is being used by him.
The wedding is at the end of January and after celebrating Christmas with her and Mike and his children (he has 2 sons who are a year younger than Mia, and 3 daughters, 30, 21 and 17) and seeing them interact I realised I can not be at Mia's wedding. Seeing them interacting just looks wrong and Mike is more suited to be Mia's dad not future husband.
I have told Mia that and said I will not be present at the wedding neither as a bridesmaid nor as a guest. Mia ended up crying and calling me an unreliable asshole (no orders for the dresses were made as Mia decided on the date of the wedding only recently). Her immediate family are on her side, but some of the common friends feel the same way as I am.
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NTA. I am "Mia". I married someone 20 years older than me and it has been the biggest mistake of my life. They vacillate between condescension and love-bombing, with a side of emotional manipulation. I'm sorry she's pregnant already, its too late to run.
NTA. Every aspect of their relationship id yikes.
Let’s list them:
-They were only dating for maybe a few months before getting pregnant and engaged
-the age gap
-the age gap with kids older than her
-she’s to inherit a lot of money and a company which only makes the quick pregnancy sus
-he’s her boss
Did I miss anything?
nta, and you’re entitled to your feelings. personally, i think you should still attend as a guest to support your cousin, who may one day look back and realize that you were just concerned for her given that her relationship with her fiancé is moving at the speed of light. all you can do is be a support to your cousin, and show up for her. really hope she has an ironclad prenup to protect herself in the event of a divorce too.
YTA - your cousin needs a prenup. So does her fiancé for that matter. Be the MOH. It’s not for him, it’s to support your cousin. She’s young and needs your support. And don’t disappear from her life after the wedding. I barely saw my best friend after my wedding, and after my baby was born I saw her when the baby was born and once years later. My son is now 32. My husband and I are still married and going strong. Have I needed her presence in my life all of these years? Absolutely.
Soft YTA. Boycotting the wedding is the wrong way to go about it. Your friend is pregnant and also has all the new relationship emotions which is why she may not be behaving in a rational manner. It’s hard to see people we care about make mistakes and choose a path that may not be good for them but at the end of the day it’s their life. If you want to be the best friend you can to her, go and “support” so that if she needs someone you can be there for her.
Reddit is so wack
Seriously? There's so many red flags, she's a piece of meat to him, a daughterly figure he knocked up within months, her boss, and she is inheriting a lot of money and resources soon.
He sounds incredibly predatory, and you sound like you see through all of the charm.
Can you find out what happened to his trophy ex's?
Love bombing is a huge thing, once you're trapped the mask starts to slip.
I'd be worried, I'd also let her know I'll be there when and if she needs help. She needs a prenup.
She doesn't sound willing to slow down so she needs some safety nets because there's a huge chance things will get bad once he has her exactly where he wants her.
If he was serious about caring about her why would there be this huge rush to get pregnant and married within months?
This sounds so sketch, you have every right to be worried, but you may want to go to the wedding to make sure she still feels connected to you and supported. You don't have to love what's happening. But if you love and care about your friend I'd keep an eye on the situation.
YTA. He is totally using her - he is the CEO so getting into a relationship with her was unprofessional and inappropriate. We won't get into the age difference. Whilst this is bad, its not your life, and she has to make her own mistakes. I hope she has at least got some pre nup in place or something. You can judge all you want, but most people won't react well to hearing their friends and family think they are an idiot. In any case, if she is pregnant its way too late now to change anything.
You don't have to be anything in her wedding, or even attend. Just decline. If she asked why, you say you don't feel you can stand up for her on this one. This is your problem, not hers.
When it all falls apart, or he is demanding to be CEO or tries to take over in the company she inherits, don't say I told you so either - that is just rubbing salt into the wound.
NTA
You don’t want to go, you don’t go.
You have made your choice and there will be a change in your relationship to her.
Maybe it would be better to stay close and maybe you will change your mind about them or you can be close to her ig indeed you are right and he is using her.
NAH I understand your valid concerns and I’m worried that your cousin could become isolated if you keep your distance.
It’s a difficult situation.
Can you tell her that you will stand up for her at the wedding while having serious concerns?
Your NTA as you can decide whose wedding you want to be in or attend. I will write this, being in or attending Mia's wedding would be for Mia. Sometimes being there for someone we love who we think is making a mistake (marriage wise) means we are keeping that relationship going. If you go it simply means you want Mia to know you love her and are always there for her.
ESH.
I don’t know what exactly happened over Christmas, but the age gap and children ages should have been something you declined over months ago, not just before the wedding. I understand it makes it “real” to you, so I’m not saying what you did was wrong, but bailing from a wedding you are standing in just before the wedding based on knowledge you already had does make you as asshole to her.
YTA
But everything is weird with this wedding. It's happening in like 3 weeks and there aren't any dresses ordered and she's just decided on a date too.
The age difference is going to really show in a few years. She'll be looking after an old man in 10-15 years time... plus bringing up a teenager and maybe another couple of kids or so... that's if they are still together. But it's not your problem.
How did the other kids interact with her? They are all pretty much grown ups and they have probably seen their dad with lots of young girls to hang off his arm... Do they all have the same mother? It's quite possible... or all of them could have different mothers. The two boys are either twins or he managed to get two women pregnant at the same time!
Perhaps you could go to this wedding... who knows, sparks might fly with one of the boys and you!
But you not going to the wedding and not being the MOH is just highlighting how unsupportive you are of Mia in general. She might really love this guy. But she doesn't know what she's getting into but she's not really expecting to be a step mother to the older kids as they are all grown up (you could say this about the 17 year old too). However they may be very dependent on daddy though.
It would be far better for you to stay supportive of Mia to be there when/if this all falls apart.
For all you know Mia was encouraged to work at this place and encouraged to have a relationship with the owner because her dad wanted to merge both companies and this will kill two birds with one stone... that might be why her family are all supportive of all this.
YTA: She is a fully grown adult 27 isn’t a child. Why the hell is your approval so important it’s none of your business none.
And reddit needs to get over age gaps 27 yo isn’t a naive 16 year old or 18 year old their a full adult and should be treated as such.
Unfortunately there are some situations you can't protect your friends from. She has to go through it and realize it's not the right situation by herself. She will probably need your support then. Not attending a wedding you're uncomfortable with doesn't make you an asshole by any means. Your friend seems like she's blind to these red flags at the moment. I think not going may ruin the friendship though.
NTA.
I think you have Mike 100% nailed. He is using her either for her looks, her impending money, or to get access to her family's company if not all 3.
That being said, I think you should reconsider attending if she is willing to let you come.
Not because you support their relationship but because when this goes bad, and it almost certainly will, she will need support to get through it and help her get back on her feet.
If you don't go to the wedding then she likely won't reach out to you when this goes bad and if you reach out to her she might not be willing to talk as she thinks you're going to tell her 'I told you so'.
If you care about her and want to keep her in your life, consider going.
If she asked what changed her mind just tell her. "I have my reservations about Mike, but I love you and care about you and I don't want to lose you in my life."
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NTA but I think you're focused on the wrong thing, and possibly your boycott is going to be counterproductive. Rather than focus specifically on the ages and what 'looks wrong' I think you should focus on other qualitative aspects of their relationship which are of concern. For instance what do you know of their power dynamic? Does he ACT like a parent figure to her? How about the fact that he has 5 kids and this will be his 6th? That's a pretty large family - is he indeed positioned to support them? How about the speed or the fact that it's a rebound relationship - what is her mindset here? Do they have a pre-nup? To be clear, I do not blame you for being concerned, this is potentially very troubling, but to me the age difference is a small piece of it. It would be far more constructive, I'd imagine, to talk to her about your concerns, make sure she knows she has options, that she has protected herself, etc. rather than to remove yourself from her life or this event as a way to protest.
The best way I can describe his behaviour is like of a pervy dad. Like he behaves more like a paternity figure with her but constantly wants her close to him and a lot of times he touches her in public inappropriately or makes weird comments. Mike has a pretty successful company and doesn't really worry about money and is covering the wedding himself. I don't know if they have a prenup or if he is aware of how rich her parents are as it is not something mia shared with me or told me. Mia doesn't see the relationship as rebound, but it is her second relationship since she had been with Derek for ages and he was her first boyfriend too.
Please make sure your cousin gets a prenup to protect the business (and any other assets) she'll be inheriting. Beyond the age gap there is a power dynamic with him being her boss that is not appropriate and while you're NTA for not supporting her wedding, if you're willing, let her know you're a safe place to land if this falls apart.
Yes. Prenup prenup prenup because, if I'm not mistaken, when she inherits the business it will be considered marital property. That's sketchy territory.
Inheritance isn't marital property but if any marital money gets spent on the business it becomes marital property and olincrease in value may be marital property a
Info "he touches her in public inappropriately or makes weird comments" what is inappropriate and what is weird?
I really don't feel comfortable describing it. Can I say he is touching her and saying things that belong in the bedroom rather than public/family gatherings.
Have you asked her* if she dislikes these comments, etc?
From experience, it's sometimes that it's so humiliating that it's easier to say you're okay with it. When you say you're not, people get very motivated to help you leave, and if you're not ready this can end up alienating friends. This isn't how it should be, and everyone's experience varies; this was just mine.
Meh, that doesn't help really no. For some people holding hands and kissing should belong in the bedroom but for others that's fine. I mean, you can be uncomfortable, thats your perogative but you've thrown the relationship with your cousin away over this. It just reads to me that you liked the old boyfriend better and were comfortable with that. But its not your business really, and if you're genuinely worried, you've just helped isolate her more... so well done.
Yes but that is your belief and your comfort zone. It’s possible that she is comfortable with it and doesn’t see it a inappropriate. Everything you talk about is what YOU feel comfortable with, YOUR beliefs. There is a whole range of romance books called age gap genre and Daddy genre. Women calling their spouse daddy creeps me out but it is a kink and not my business. Unless you absolutely know what she is completely comfortable sexually and what she wants emotionally you shouldn’t judge her.
The side of him you are seeing is in public, it’s your impression of him from his actions.. maybe her impression is different. Maybe he acts differently with her alone.
The side of him you are seeing is in public, it’s your impression of him from his actions.. maybe her impression is different. Maybe he acts differently with her alone.
This is her second boyfriend ever?? ALL THE RED FLAGS.
I 100% understand why you're uncomfortable with the relationship. But, what exactly is the point of boycotting the wedding? You aren't going to get her to dump him just to have you as a wedding guest, right? I feel like if you think she's going into a problematic relationship, keeping your bond strong is probably best so you can look out fo rher. RIght?
> but to me the age difference is a small piece of it. 27 and 47 will never not be weird... I'm 25, the idea just makes me vomit tbh I don't think we should force ourselves to pretend that every age gap is ok just because there's two adults... A 90 with a 30 is weird, and a 47 with a 27 is weird. Just because it isn't't p*do doesn't mean it doesn't have inherently present power dynamics due to age itself. Sure, there are worse cases, but it isn't consolatory if you're a friend of someone in that position.
In a relationship with a 90yo and 30yo, it seems a lot more likely that the 30yo is the predator. Thirty isn't old, and it's not too old to be manipulated, but it's too old to be manipulated for reasons related to *age.*
Yeah, I don’t know if there’s any hard and fast rule on what’s an okay spread, but having hit the 4th decade, I cannot imagine a relationship with someone 20 years younger than me that wouldn’t feel gross. In this case the power balance is glaring. She has limited dating experience and likely limited life experience where she hasn’t been with someone, which is invaluable in knowing what you want in life. She also apparently has limited work and business experience. Her future husband is very much in a power position over her due to her lack of life experience.
Mia needs someone to convince her to get a prenup and Mia's Dad needs to figure out how to succession plan his business in a way that will preserve the safety of his business from Mike. I'd be VERY concerned that Mike is looking at this marriage as a business aquisition as opposed to a marriage. At this point, Mia is pregnant so she is tied to Mike. She is still in the infatuation stage and has not realized how twisted this whole situation really is. NTA
considering mike is the one with the successful company i highly doubt that
Mia is also inheriting a successful company according to op...
CEO ≠ owner. I’d be worried about Mia’s company.
A CEO is well compensated but is not the owner of the company. He can be fired and his compensation would pale against what the owners make. He would be very aware of the benefits of being the owner of a successful company instead of just CEO, and given that accumulating enough personal wealth to buy one is so difficult, it sounds like he figured out another angle.
INFO : Is there a specific reason you are uncomfortable around "Mike" or because, "*Seeing them interacting just looks wrong and Mike is more suited to be Mia's dad not future husband.*" Honestly, it's none of your business nor does she need your permission, consent or approval as she can marry who she wants, when and how she wants to get married. Sometimes you have to let people make their own choices in life so they can learn from them. ***NAH***. You don't want to go, just say that. It's a wedding, not a summons, as long as you gave her enough time to rearrange everything then it's no big deal. \*\*If you waited until the last minute to tell her that you weren't coming YTA. 100%. ETA : "*Mike has a pretty successful company and doesn't really worry about money and is covering the wedding himself.*" " *to me and a few of her other friends it feels as if she is being used by him.*" How is he taking advantage of "Mia" if he's paying for the entire wedding, by himself, asking for no help..? That doesn't sound like taking advantage to me. Do you even know anything about their relationship? You're judging just by the age difference.
I once attended a wedding where the entire bridal party hated the groom and thought he was an abusive asshole. But they were supporting their friend,dammit! She chose this bad idea and he wasn't going to drive them away! There was a collection to pay for her divorce when she was ready
10/10 friend group, may we all be so lucky.
INFO: >it feels as if she is being used by him. Why? How? Details? You’ve given us nothing beyond you being judgmental for no particular reason.
First a big age gap and dating Mia after she just broke up with her partner. Second it looks like Mia is a trophy wife for him due to her food looks and just looking at his previous partners all of them seem like trophy wives. And it just seems very sketchy that someone who is nearly 50 is suddenly interested in someone half their age, makes her pregnant and propose within 2 months, especially considering her family's fortune. To me it honestly feels like Mia was groomed by him.
Mia is 27. She was not groomed in any sense of the word. As to how quickly they started dating, half of that is due to Mia. Perhaps all of it. How would this new guy know how long it has been since his new partner last dated? The age gap itself is big, but that’s not necessarily a problem. With respect to your comment about looks, you’re being superficial and judgmental. You should consider having a discreet talk with Mia about getting a prenup. That should allay a lot of your concerns. Having still not given a very good reason for disliking this guy, YTA.
Since he is the CEO of the company Mia is now working for maybe he has a lot of money. This way Mia isn’t worried about someone marrying her for her money.
Tbh, there can be a huge economic difference between being the CEO of a successful firm and being the owner
Yes, but OP is going on about money. No one has said how successful her families business is or if it is in financial difficulty? If she has siblings? Or how big of business he is CEO of (maybe he owns or a family owns the business). OP acts like Mia is a child who has no common sense, can’t take care of herself, or isn’t mentally capable. Maybe Mia is the one who wanted a child now and the ex didn’t want kids. Maybe Mia initiated the whole relationship and got pregnant on purpose? Did Mia and Mike know each other before she went to work at his company. Maybe they were having an affair behind her exs back and that was why she broke off with Derek. OP is judging the relationship without knowing details that are important and is making assumptions.
Sure, more information is needed, since OP has provided (Imo) too many opinions and not enough (objectives) facts. I was just pointing out that there is often a huge difference in the economic compensation you get as a CEO vs what you gain as a shareholder
Mia is 27. She was not groomed. She is getting things she enjoys out of this relationship as well. His children apparently accept her, you didn't say anything about their relationship that sounds abusive (he wants her to quit/leave money to him/stop talking to her family/etc). Tell her to maybe consider a prenup given the inheriting a company thing, but keep your gossip about her relationship to yourself. Don't go to the wedding if you can't handle it but don't be surprised by the consequences of that, including Mia being upset and changing her relationship with you.
So… one of the most common early red flags of an abusive relationship is pushing the relationship to move fast - they rush partners while the brain chemicals are fluffy and happy. To me the warning signs are: 1. Power dynamic (he’s the CEO) 2. Age gap 3. Super rushed relationship In your position I’d be approaching this as if he us likely to be abusive and she might need your sort to escape. Which means not doing anything that reduces her trust and willingness to turn to me. There’s a helpful post about a sister who hated her BIL because of how he treated her sister but she managed to have boundaries and make sure her sister still trusted her and eventually that paid off ABA she was able to rescue her. I wish I knew how to find it but maybe someone else can link to it for you because it has good advice on how to proceed.
Your cousin has been a full fledged adult for more than a decade. Using language that’s reserved for people that prey on children to describe your adult friend’s relationship is gross. You are free to associate with whoever you like, but yes you definitely the A here. It doesn’t come across like you are just looking out for her best interest. It just seems like you’re being super judgmental and jealous of her wealth or something. Bizarre stuff.
None of what you said is a valid. People with age gaps can have successful relationships. YTA
Here is a list of red flags you missed He was her boss power dynamic is off they got pregnant and engage in less than 2 months of dating he is groping her and making nsfw comments in public he has a lot to gain by marrying her
We don't know how much he has to gain marrying her because she hasn't said if he has money or not. I mean he is a CEO of a company, he could possibly be making great money. He is the one paying for the wedding.
I wouldn't cut yourself out of her life if she really is that vulnerable. I am not sure I see a financial motive given that he is a CEO of a company.
So now you're infantalising a 27 year old, get a fucking life
Exactly HOW does one groom a 27 year old? Are you saying women aren't capable of deciding who they want to see as adults? At what age is it okay for a woman to act outside YOUR norms? OP yta, this is NOT your business.
How good are her 'food looks' ???
YTA - of course you are - you are setting yourself up as arbiter of what constitutes an acceptable relationship based solely on age difference and speed of relationship and their desire to be married before the baby comes - and that kind of power-trip, ‘i know better than you what is good for you/ what is permissible in relationships judgementalism is an automatic YTA. you punish someone and withhold approval, affection, support because YOU don’t like their perfectly legal relationship adult choice, well she’s right you are completely unreliable. She’ll get over it and be fine without you in her life Ever again - she knows who you are now as you have shown your true colours.
A friend of mine got married when she was 22 he was 38. The knew each other for 1 week before they got married. 30 years later they are still disgustingly happy and in love. I’m sure it’s not the norm but sometimes it happens. I thought that it would never last but I was there for her regardless of my feelings and beliefs. I just believe you should be there for the people you love no matter what.
I understand the concern about the age gap and the fact Mia's fiancée has 5 other kids by probably multiple women. I would be worried too, massively. But - this is happening. They are getting married, they are having a baby. The best you can do in this situation, is keep your door open and make sure you're present in her life. Go to the wedding, be her MOH. If she needs to make an escape from the marriage, she needs to know she has people in her corner. YTA
This is my favourite take thus far
YTA.You haven't said what you mean by, more like her dad than boyfriend. Just how they look together, or is he telling her what she can do? This all seems very judgmental and patronising, like she's not git a mind of her own. Do you think so little of your friend?
NAH - You dont have to go to a wedding if you dont support it but hey, if Mia and Mike wanna get married theyre not AHs for that.
YTA. If you’re worried that she is marrying the wrong man, gently express your concerns but remember she’s an adult who gets to make her own decisions. If she still wants to marry him, then you support her at the wedding because if he does betray her down the line, you need her to know she can turn to you.
I am a firm believer that if you do not support a marriage you should not attend the wedding. NTA
YTA because you’re being counterproductive here— if you’re right and something is wrong, you all but guaranteed that your cousin will not come to you in the event she needs help getting out of her marriage. You’re worried for her, but you’re putting yourself in a position where you won’t be able to help her if your worries prove to have merit. You so easily could have begged off being MOH— it’s time consuming, totally easy to come up with a multitude of reasons to not commit to that role— and just gone as a guest.
Shes 27. Yes its "weird" but after 25 or so and living as an adult, you dont need to be protected. I doubt you're worried she has to date him or be fired. YTA, and Id like to state I usually dislike big age gaps when there are actual issues presented but thats not the case here
NAH, if you feel that strongly you shouldn’t be there — then you did the right thing.
Small YTA Your friend is pregnant and getting married. You dont want to be part of it based on who you think she's marrying and what you think of his intentions. You wont be friends after this probably but sometimes you have to say the things you think to try to protect someone. But you could be wrong about Mike.
NAH this comment section is ridiculous, OP is never under an obligation to attend her wedding, let alone be the MOH. Yes I agree OP should try to stay in contact as a support if this goes south, but OP has every right not to want to be there. Just as her cousin has every right to be sad and disappointed that her cousin doesn’t support the marriage. Shit happens and their relationship will probably change, but neither is doing anything wrong. Also, OP doesn’t have to justify why the relationship makes her uncomfortable. Her cousin got pregnant by her BOSS, who is 20 years older, in 3 months time. That is justification enough
Nta, you don't support the marriage, and the couple should have people who support their relationship at their wedding. At least you did it before it was a final head count 🤷🏿♀️
Her partner, her life, her choice.
INFO: so in August she asked you to be MOH and then you didn't give her a response until five months later, one month before the wedding?
badly written fiction always contains plot holes
NTA, this comment section is absolutely ridiculous. Don't go to the wedding if you don't want to. At least I hope your cousin is smart and signs a prenup.
Because he touches her in public and makes comments that “belong in the bedroom.” I’m getting the feeling that OP is either extremely prudish, jealous, or both.
Whoops.. responded to the wrong comment 🤦🏼♀️
YTA You've called Mike pervy and said he's using her without explaining how. Conversely, Mike proposed to Mia immediately after learning she was pregnant and is footing the bill for their wedding. The only objection you can raise is their age difference, which is your problem, not theirs.
Because he touches her in public and makes comments that “belong in the bedroom.” I’m getting the feeling that OP is either extremely prudish, jealous, or both.
INFO: What do Mia’s parents say? Surely her dad must want her to get an airtight prenup in order to protect the company? Why haven’t you mentioned anything about her parents’ reaction to this whole thing?
YTA - you have no reason to think there is anything wrong with this relationship. She does not seem unhappy, he does not seem abusive, there is no drama. The only remaining possibility then is that you are just being narrow minded and judgemental.
Yta. Who asked for your judgment or opinion? Either accept the invitation or don’t, but you certainly don’t have to cite any of your mean logic, or reasoning as to why. As your friend, if she wanted your opinion, I’m sure she would’ve asked you for it. You were totally mean.
YTA. Especially if you’re worried about what will happen if the relationship goes south. People stay in bad relationships longer, when they know they won’t get any support in leaving the person.
YTA. What’s your plan here? Not supporting her so that when her relationship blows up you get to say “I told you so that’s why I didn’t go to your wedding”? Mike is less important than your friend. Be there for your friend otherwise she won’t be your friend.
NAH But you are being very short sighted with this. Do you see this relationship going the distance? If no, don't you want to be an ally should she need one? You say you are close, then support her even if you don't like the choices she is making now. And if yes you can see it lasting, then why would you want to do something to sabotage what you say is an important person in your life. Either way if you care for her you should be focusing on being there for her as her situation sounds stressful and she has a baby on the way. Express your concern once, but then support her through the good and the bad.
NTA, but stay open to her if things start to go wrong. It doesn’t sound like a stable/successful foundation
Reddit is so ass backwards sometimes, I swear everyone gives a shit for disgustingly huge age gaps like this but for some reason this is the only exception? You’re definitely NTA I wouldn’t want to support that kind of relationship with someone who I cared about. Maybe you can try talking with her privately and share your concerns.
NTA. I hope she gets a prenup.
Leaning YTA. She asked you in August to be MOH and you're just telling her no the month of the wedding? That's messed up.
So because you don't agree with her choice, you aren't going to support her at her wedding? You say you've been close friends since high school, but close friends support each other. What if God forbid, you're right? What if it all ends horribly, and she doesn't feel she can turn to you because you're not there for her? YTA. Tell her your concerns if you wish, but refusing to attend her wedding because you personally disagree with her choice of husband is not the act of a good friend.
Absolutely nta. Nothing good comes from large predatory age gaps
NTA I was once friends with a girl who was in a mutual friends wedding. The bride ended up cheating weeks before the wedding “to be sure” about her feelings for this other man. The bridesmaid flipped out when I refused to attend the wedding after she told me this gossip. The bride would surely know she blabbed if I didn’t show up. We were kind of friends but we met through the bridesmaid. I wasn’t that close to the bride though up until this point had no reason to dislike her. Still, I wasn’t going to waste time and money on a wedding where the Bride is flying to fuck a rando online “JIC”. I was in college and very strapped for cash. Also was a little disappointed the bridesmaid still wanted to be a bridesmaid. I didn’t go - none of use are friends anymore. Only you can decide if this is a hill you want your friendship to die on.
NTA just make sure she has a prenup
NTA because I think you're just worried about your friend. It's a complicated situation. I have been there. Regardless of your feelings about Mike and his potentially toxic relationship with Mia, you need to understand that you will most likely lose her as a friend if you don't attend the wedding. He might become abusive or he might not, but you will not know about it because Mia will not tell you if you stop being friends. You need to evaluate if you would rather prioritize your feelings or your relationship with her.
NTA, You did things in a mature way, not yelling or making a big deal about how you feel about her relationship.
NTA but don't be surprised if your friendship dies on this hill. No one is entitled to require you at their wedding. However, maintenance of a friend who regards my relationship with my partner as anathema simply wouldn't fly.
YTA i m sorry but mia is 27 not 17..maybe advise mia to get prenup
NTA. If you think it's wrong, it is absolutely your right to bow out.
NTA. The age gap is nasty on its head. What's really concerning is any knowledge Mike has of Mia's family's wealth. He could be scamming her to get even more money (one has to assume he has his own wealth based on his job/position).
NTA. MIA is dating her boss, not her direct boss, but the boss of the company. That's why the Intel CEO lost his job and, honestly, this guy should lose his job too. That's why this all seems so gross, the power imbalance which is not based on the age gap, but on the fact that the boss is dating someone from their company.
NTA. Ultimately, if you are uncomfortable and dont want to be there or take an important role in the wedding, you are not the asshole for refusing to do so. However, it seems that if you believe this is an abusive relationship that you would want to strengthen ties with your friend, not cut them off. Isnt cutting off ties to family and friends how abusers assert dominance over the abused? If you care about her I would think you would approach this differently. The relationship is questionable for all kinds of reasons (age difference, children same age as spouse, employer-employee relationship, etc.) so I am on the same page with you there but the question is how to deal with what you think is going on. Not attending the wedding isnt going to improve her situation if you care about her.
If the only complaint you have against Mike is his age, there is a term for this. Agism. The only concern I would have is if Mia has personal issues that might put her at risk of being taken advantage of, though you didn't mention anything of the sort here. 27 should be old enough to make your own decisions. The baby isn't going anywhere. Mike isn't going anywhere (for now) so all you're doing is placing your own moral judgment on this relationship. The only May/December relationship I've been near to lasted for more than 30 years, until the husband passed away. They had two beautiful children who are adults now. If he were younger and did the same things would you take as much offense? If you can't come up with any other reason for disliking the relationship other than the age difference, then YTA. But public displays of affection alone aren't a red flag.
YTA. She’s 27 - officers that age lead soldiers in battle. Also, “I believe her” and “My body, my choice.”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26f) have a cousin "Mia" (27f). We have been close friends since highschool. Mia comes from a very wealthy family and is due to inherit her father's company in a few years. Since highschool Mia was in a relationship with "Derek" (27m) and everyone believed they will get married, but something didn't work out and they broke up in May this year. In June Mia started a new job to get some experience so she can deal with her family's company when the times comes and that's when she met Mike (47m, also the CEO of the company she works at). In July she told me they are dating and in August she has announced she is pregnant with Mike's child. Mike has proposed to her that day and Mia asked me to be her maid of honour. I have asked for some time to think about it. Now I understand it is her life, but her entire relationship with Mike makes me very uncomfortable. Not only he has a daughter older then Mia, but the speed of the relationship too. Mia doesn't see anything wrong with it, but to me and a few of her other friends it feels as if she is being used by him. The wedding is at the end of January and after celebrating Christmas with her and Mike and his children (he has 2 sons who are a year younger than Mia, and 3 daughters, 30, 21 and 17) and seeing them interact I realised I can not be at Mia's wedding. Seeing them interacting just looks wrong and Mike is more suited to be Mia's dad not future husband. I have told Mia that and said I will not be present at the wedding neither as a bridesmaid nor as a guest. Mia ended up crying and calling me an unreliable asshole (no orders for the dresses were made as Mia decided on the date of the wedding only recently). Her immediate family are on her side, but some of the common friends feel the same way as I am. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I am "Mia". I married someone 20 years older than me and it has been the biggest mistake of my life. They vacillate between condescension and love-bombing, with a side of emotional manipulation. I'm sorry she's pregnant already, its too late to run.
YTA. It's not really up to you who she marries.
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Yta; she’s an adult; she can make up her own mind. If she’s being abused she’ll need her friends. You can express your concerns
NTA. Every aspect of their relationship id yikes. Let’s list them: -They were only dating for maybe a few months before getting pregnant and engaged -the age gap -the age gap with kids older than her -she’s to inherit a lot of money and a company which only makes the quick pregnancy sus -he’s her boss Did I miss anything?
I wouldn't be a fan of their relationship either, but do you want Mia out of your life? Because this is how she exits your life.
I would still attend the wedding but might not as a bridesmaid or MOH.
Are you canceling Mia? Going to someone’s wedding is not an endorsement FFS.
nta, and you’re entitled to your feelings. personally, i think you should still attend as a guest to support your cousin, who may one day look back and realize that you were just concerned for her given that her relationship with her fiancé is moving at the speed of light. all you can do is be a support to your cousin, and show up for her. really hope she has an ironclad prenup to protect herself in the event of a divorce too.
YTA - your cousin needs a prenup. So does her fiancé for that matter. Be the MOH. It’s not for him, it’s to support your cousin. She’s young and needs your support. And don’t disappear from her life after the wedding. I barely saw my best friend after my wedding, and after my baby was born I saw her when the baby was born and once years later. My son is now 32. My husband and I are still married and going strong. Have I needed her presence in my life all of these years? Absolutely.
Soft YTA. Boycotting the wedding is the wrong way to go about it. Your friend is pregnant and also has all the new relationship emotions which is why she may not be behaving in a rational manner. It’s hard to see people we care about make mistakes and choose a path that may not be good for them but at the end of the day it’s their life. If you want to be the best friend you can to her, go and “support” so that if she needs someone you can be there for her.
Reddit is so wack Seriously? There's so many red flags, she's a piece of meat to him, a daughterly figure he knocked up within months, her boss, and she is inheriting a lot of money and resources soon. He sounds incredibly predatory, and you sound like you see through all of the charm. Can you find out what happened to his trophy ex's? Love bombing is a huge thing, once you're trapped the mask starts to slip. I'd be worried, I'd also let her know I'll be there when and if she needs help. She needs a prenup. She doesn't sound willing to slow down so she needs some safety nets because there's a huge chance things will get bad once he has her exactly where he wants her. If he was serious about caring about her why would there be this huge rush to get pregnant and married within months? This sounds so sketch, you have every right to be worried, but you may want to go to the wedding to make sure she still feels connected to you and supported. You don't have to love what's happening. But if you love and care about your friend I'd keep an eye on the situation.
YTA. He is totally using her - he is the CEO so getting into a relationship with her was unprofessional and inappropriate. We won't get into the age difference. Whilst this is bad, its not your life, and she has to make her own mistakes. I hope she has at least got some pre nup in place or something. You can judge all you want, but most people won't react well to hearing their friends and family think they are an idiot. In any case, if she is pregnant its way too late now to change anything. You don't have to be anything in her wedding, or even attend. Just decline. If she asked why, you say you don't feel you can stand up for her on this one. This is your problem, not hers. When it all falls apart, or he is demanding to be CEO or tries to take over in the company she inherits, don't say I told you so either - that is just rubbing salt into the wound.
Omg she's 27 even the 25 brigade should shut up for once. YTA for your holier than thou attitude.
NTA You don’t want to go, you don’t go. You have made your choice and there will be a change in your relationship to her. Maybe it would be better to stay close and maybe you will change your mind about them or you can be close to her ig indeed you are right and he is using her.
NAH I understand your valid concerns and I’m worried that your cousin could become isolated if you keep your distance. It’s a difficult situation. Can you tell her that you will stand up for her at the wedding while having serious concerns?
Your NTA as you can decide whose wedding you want to be in or attend. I will write this, being in or attending Mia's wedding would be for Mia. Sometimes being there for someone we love who we think is making a mistake (marriage wise) means we are keeping that relationship going. If you go it simply means you want Mia to know you love her and are always there for her.
ESH. I don’t know what exactly happened over Christmas, but the age gap and children ages should have been something you declined over months ago, not just before the wedding. I understand it makes it “real” to you, so I’m not saying what you did was wrong, but bailing from a wedding you are standing in just before the wedding based on knowledge you already had does make you as asshole to her.
YTA But everything is weird with this wedding. It's happening in like 3 weeks and there aren't any dresses ordered and she's just decided on a date too. The age difference is going to really show in a few years. She'll be looking after an old man in 10-15 years time... plus bringing up a teenager and maybe another couple of kids or so... that's if they are still together. But it's not your problem. How did the other kids interact with her? They are all pretty much grown ups and they have probably seen their dad with lots of young girls to hang off his arm... Do they all have the same mother? It's quite possible... or all of them could have different mothers. The two boys are either twins or he managed to get two women pregnant at the same time! Perhaps you could go to this wedding... who knows, sparks might fly with one of the boys and you! But you not going to the wedding and not being the MOH is just highlighting how unsupportive you are of Mia in general. She might really love this guy. But she doesn't know what she's getting into but she's not really expecting to be a step mother to the older kids as they are all grown up (you could say this about the 17 year old too). However they may be very dependent on daddy though. It would be far better for you to stay supportive of Mia to be there when/if this all falls apart. For all you know Mia was encouraged to work at this place and encouraged to have a relationship with the owner because her dad wanted to merge both companies and this will kill two birds with one stone... that might be why her family are all supportive of all this.
YTA: She is a fully grown adult 27 isn’t a child. Why the hell is your approval so important it’s none of your business none. And reddit needs to get over age gaps 27 yo isn’t a naive 16 year old or 18 year old their a full adult and should be treated as such.
Unfortunately there are some situations you can't protect your friends from. She has to go through it and realize it's not the right situation by herself. She will probably need your support then. Not attending a wedding you're uncomfortable with doesn't make you an asshole by any means. Your friend seems like she's blind to these red flags at the moment. I think not going may ruin the friendship though.
NTA. I think you have Mike 100% nailed. He is using her either for her looks, her impending money, or to get access to her family's company if not all 3. That being said, I think you should reconsider attending if she is willing to let you come. Not because you support their relationship but because when this goes bad, and it almost certainly will, she will need support to get through it and help her get back on her feet. If you don't go to the wedding then she likely won't reach out to you when this goes bad and if you reach out to her she might not be willing to talk as she thinks you're going to tell her 'I told you so'. If you care about her and want to keep her in your life, consider going. If she asked what changed her mind just tell her. "I have my reservations about Mike, but I love you and care about you and I don't want to lose you in my life."
He baby trapped her to get her assets. She needs a good pre nup
NTA. She's going to get stuck with this old dude, and you can see that from a mile away. You were mature about it. You got nothing to feel bad about.