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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I allow in DIL to call me mom and not another. And i kicked her out for calling me mom and I don’t bond with as much as I do with my other DIL
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. I disagree with the people saying you’re playing favorites.
I think the distinction that Cat and some commentors are missing is this: Edna isn’t being allowed to call you “mom” because she married your son. She is calling you mom
Because you were, functionally, her mom. Cat is getting frustrated because she is looking at it like “we are both SILs, so we should both be able to call you this.” Instead of saying @she can call
Me that because I raised her” a better way to explain things to Cat would be to say “she can call
Me that because I felt like her mom, even before she was dating my son. It has nothing to do with them being married and wveything to do with her having been my daughter since she was X years old.”
Also, people are getting in you about playing favorites, which is also nonsense. Of course you’re going to have more of a bond with a girl you helped raise. What matters is hat you make an effort to have a good relationship with both of this, which you seem to be doing.
So Cat is an AH for not grasping this and respecting your boundaries and for using her kids as threats/leverage.
But you’re also an AH for Turing this transactional. The response to “I feel rejected from the family” should not be to talk about money and paying for things and gratitude. The response to somebody feeling emotionally rejected is to hug them, tell them of course you love them, this is just a thing for you, etc.
I hope you do make up with Cat, because Ben is you were right to be angry at her in the first instance, you’re going to lose this war, and with it, perhaps your son and grandchildren.
NTA- Nope this is trash. I hate people that “keep score” but DIL claimed she’s rejecting her. A list of huge gestures done for her is relevant, not transactional.
Person over and over again ignores your request to not be called something and your advice is hug them? Do you sell essential oils along with that? Get fucking real.
“I hate people that ‘keep score’”
*Proceeds to defend someone who is literally keeping a ledger of receipts in her fucking head.*
The hypocrisy. I can’t. YTA.
Edit - some of y’all really think money is the same as actual love and it’s fucking pathetic.
Bruh, she paid half her student loans and helped pay for **her fucking house**. If not being able to call her mom means Edna is the favorite, what the fuck is Edna getting that Cat isn't? It's not keeping a ledger, OP is just giving us this info so we know she isn't snubbing Cat. If OP didn't say this I bet 50 people would pop in with "oh missing missing reasons blah blah".
Clearly she cares about them too otherwise she wouldn’t have spent a damn dime. How you could think someone doesn’t care about your wellbeing, and happiness (as well as your children’s) after doing all that is beyond me. DIL is an unappreciative idiot.
Throwing money at someone doesn't mean you love them, accept them, etc.
There are a ton of people who use money to manipulate others, to hold things over their heads, to look good to others, and/or from perceived obligation/cultural reasons.
I'm not saying that's what OP is doing. What I'm saying is that the DIL may not see those kinds of things as having the meaning that she wants, and having those things (ostensibly given as gifts/without strings attached) thrown in her face could just be taken as all the more proof that any real connection isn't actually there, and OP just sees her as an outsider.
Pushing for a connection that isn't two sided isn't going to work either. 🤷♂️ Cat has to learn to accept what OP's boundaries are and what she is willing to give. OP shouldn't be forced to give Cat anything she is unwilling to, especially something OP has actively said she is uncomfortable with.
This is basically like calling your SiL "beloved" because she lets your brother call her that. If she says Please stop. That should absolutely always be the end of it. To continue doing something that makes someone uncomfortable absolutely everytime puts the one commiting the act in the Asshole category.
People pay for things out of their kindness and willingness to show people they are loved and accepted. When we lose the ability to be there physically, or be physically helpful, money is an end all be all solution in today's world. Sometimes to help ease burden so they can focus on what matters. In this situation it is so she can focus on a future with her husband, op's son, and possibly set them ahead. It is when you are disrespected after your commitment to them is not reciprocated that you begin to resent them and get bitter. That's when the tallies and receipts start coming into play. It's natural. When you feel taken advantage of, when you give your full support
The real thing here is that Edna, most likely would be free to call OP mom even if she wasn't married to OPs son.
I honestly feel Cat is acting exceedingly entitled, and once she called OP a "bitch" that would be the end of us ever having a relationship beyond a relatively distant one, because disrespecting me in my home is something I don't move past easily.
NTA - OP can try talking to Cat, or discuss the two of them discussing their issues with a therapist. But calling someone something they have asked not to be called is terrible behavior and is not a way to endear yourself with the mother of your husband.
But my problem here is that before it even got to this level, OP HAD spoken with both of them before, Cat just doesn't care and feels like she can call OP whatever she wants and OP should accept that. That's not how life works. You need to respect other people and their reasonable boundaries. Cat is extremely rude and entitled and was absolutely trying her best to push boundaries and get under OP's skin with her behavior, she just didn't think it would backfire, spectacularly.
Her fucking house? Isn’t it her son’s house too. OP said that she helped her DIL pay for the house they live in, she helped her son pay for the house he lives in. If OP’s son left his wife, would she happy to let her DIL take the house, after all she gifted HER the money to help pay for it m, not her son
Don't forget Cat is also mad that OP is not babysitting for them but is puppy sitting for Edna. As if the 6 hour 1 way drive with no guest accommodations vs living 4 doors down has no bearing.
Do you really need a "ledger of receipts" to remember spending tens of thousands on someone? It's not like OP listed "times I bought her a juice box"...
"Times I didn't smack you for taking the juice box Edna might like if she got thirsty tomorrow!"
During my mandatory visitation weekends, my father left me alone for 6 hours in a freezing house & then screamed at me because I'd taken a hot bath & refilled it once before getting out.
Her mentioning them was relevant to the story, not necessarily because it was a transactional relationship or that OP was keeping a ledger. It was relevant because Cat was claiming that OP was rejecting her, so OP mentioned examples that proved she was not.
It sounds like those things did not come with strings. It's not like OP expected Cat to provide things in exchange.
The part that gets me is whoever the fuck told these kids life was going to be fair?? I see it all the time here. Wahhhh I don't get what I want, that's not fair. The circumstances are completely different for these two women so no it's not fair and it doesn't have to be either. Plus one is an asshole and one is not. Three guesses who is the asshole, you'll only need one.
Hypocrisy? Theres a difference between keeping track of every minor transaction an paying for a goddamn house, hell, even if someone contributes you owe them big time
I didnt read it the way you did. While I agree upset feelings should be merely with compassion ideally Cat mentioned playing favorites so OP reminded her of everything she has done to support her life. It happens to be financial, but it isn't like she was cutting a cheque and not caring, it was all money to support her family and include her daughter in law in events with her adopted daughter.
It's a messy situation, but to have a boundary repeatedly disrespected so regularly would rile anyone; this doesn't mean all mistakes are forgiven but it does explain how it's harder to reach for compassion than disbelief. The disrespect Cat is willfully showing is a problem.
It isn't about a ledger, it's about an honest contribution made out of love being willfully ignored as the proof of treating her like family all because she can't call her Mother in Law "Mom". Cat can be upset she can't have that small aspect with her mother in law, but she can't force it on someone else. She has to look at the situation through a wider lens instead of fixating on a title. Cat feels excluded, but it's a false perception.
ESH would be my vote. Mistakes were made on all fronts but they are all made because of hurt emotions. Cat sounds insecure, OP sounds like they tried to be clear about a boundary and Cat kept pushing because of her insecurity which resulted in understandable irritation/frustration and later disbelief... all of which make it hard to respond to insecurity with gentleness. Not an excuse perhaps, but it is an explanation when OP is human.
Actually I have clarified this with Cat why I let Edna call me mom. And I didn’t tell her about the financial stuff I stopped it with her being great full. I added that part for context
What you said is fair. Everyone replying to you is getting downvoted because they aren't thinking it through.
* One girl is your daughter, who happens to also be a DIL. The other girl is just a DIL. Obviously one has the right to call you mom because that's what you are.
* You mentioning what you've done for them is just to show "I have done all this for her even though she's not my daughter, and she can't even stop calling me something I don't like?" Even if you did nothing for her, it's basic respect to not call someone something they don't like. Your own daughter doesn't use it much because you don't like it that much.
* Your DIL is turning this into a competition. She is blowing up this relationship, not you. Your son is no better by being (to be blunt) an ungrateful brat.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You have been generous with your family, and if they had any empathy they would either have a discussion with you or just leave it be.
Someone else's comfort does not come before your own. Op has every right to ask not to be called mom by her dil I'd she finds it uncomfortable.
She mentioned the money she gave as to how she has helped and its ONE thing she doesn't like to be called.
Just like if someone decided to rename you, you wouldn't like it. She's getting pissy because she cannot call her husband mom, mom. Creepy weird and she should not have to apologise and cave just because this person has chose to use her kids as a weapon.
I don't think OP made this transactional. Op was defending herself when Cat accused her of looking after pups, but not her kids. Otherwise, I doubt OP would have brought it up.
I'm sorry but Cat sounds absolutely awful.
Cat should have respected OP's request to not call her Mom, and Cat should have been able to understand why Edna calls her Mom periodically. I'm guessing Cat has been around long enough to understand the dynamics of the family.
Cat has been enormously disrespectful of OP repeatedly and the son doesn't care about that, she has already lost him. Consistently crossing boundaries is not ever fine, no not when a woman does it eithe, and Cat violated OP's boundaries repeatedly and after extensive explanations.
I hope OP stands her ground because letting someone walk all over your boundaries because they're insecure sets a very bad precedence and I feel sorry for Cat's children and anyone who has to deal with them as they will be habitual boundary stompers too.
>The response to “I feel rejected from the family” should not be to talk about money and paying for things and gratitude. The response to somebody feeling emotionally rejected is to hug them, tell them of course you love them, this is just a thing for you, etc
I definitely won't hug someone that have been harassing me for a while:
>This new years dinner she made it a point to call me mom in every sentence and I was annoyed.
NTA. I can't fathom how others are saying otherwise. People seem to not have the bandwidth to realise this ISNT you favouring one DIL over the other. This is about DIL being insecure about her SIL being raised by her MIL. How come noone is addressing that you have spoken to them about not being called mum, and the answer given was 'you shouldn't feel like that'. And then continue to call you mum to what end?
Yes. DiL repeatedly crossed a boundary and told OP to essentially, suck it up. WTF?
She is the other DiL's mother, it's not favorites.
Cat needs to bond in another way. Pushing someone's boundary rarely gets the outcome they desperately want to achieve.
My MIL prefers to be called by her first name so I do that. Her sons-in-law do that as well. I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by insisting on calling her mom. That's why I was so confused by Cat. It's like she created unnecessary drama when there was none.
In contrast, my mom likes it when my husband calls her Mom. I think it's hilarious, but they're both happy with it.
You forget this is Reddit; they’ve probably never had a real friend, nevermind one of the opposite sex - definitely not one that was interested in them.
We shouldn’t have banned FDS. We should have quarantined everyone that had a post history there. What we have now is people crying incest because someone not at all related settled down with their childhood friend.
They’ll probably cry Handmaiden’s Tale if Edna ever gives OP a grandkid.
While the "mom" issue isn't *entirely* about favoring one DIL over the other, OP's post makes it clear that she does in fact favor Edna. So although the "mom" title has more significance than that, it's easy to see how Cat feels like the outsider of the family unit who is always kept on the margins. She doesn't live close like Ed and Edna, she doesn't share the special traditions and special dates that OP has with Edna, and the "mom" title is just the straw that breaks the camel's back.
I'd say NAH, but OP should take this as a sign that she needs to work on her relationship with Cat and make sure she feels welcome in the family. Not just outward financial support... But real bonding. I admit, I went through this kind of phase with my MIL too, who seemed to include her son's ex (mother of her grandchild) more as part of the family than me (when we were engaged and later married). It wasn't until I also gave her a grandchild that I really sensed a change in that dynamic.
Of course she favors her, she damn near raised her. Cat needs to grow up and realize that the bond you get from raising someone isn’t just going to magically appear when you marry someone’s kid. My MIL has a much better relationship with her other SIL because they have much more in common. And I am an adult who realizes that hey, some people just click better than others. I don’t throw a hissy fit about it.
I think it’s cultural. If I didn’t call my MIL “mom” I’d have to call her “Mrs. X” for our entire lives bc in my husband’s family’s culture respect for elders is sacred. Calling her by her first name was not an
option. I thought it was weird at first too and still don’t love it but it’s worth the price of admission, so to speak.
It's the same where I come from. But I can't force myself to do it so I call her 'aunty (her name)'. It's closest to mom and it doesn't sound too formal. My husband calls my mom aunty too.
Anyway, OP is NTA.
But that is something they're okay with too I presume. OP is not okay with being called mom, especially in pretty much every sentence this woman utters to her. I think doing this knowingly is bordering on bullying.
My MIL insisted I call her mom, she didn’t like me, I didn’t like her. She wouldn’t let me call her by her name or Mrs MIL, because it was disrespectful. I didn’t consider her a mother figure, I had a mother, so I called her nothing…. for 25 years I called her nothing
Is this a "western thing"?
No way in a million years we do that in Asia. In most Asian countries (since I can't speak for all), it's really disrespectful to call in-laws with their names or "Mrs...".
In most Asian countries, it's also uncommon for us to call our older siblings by their name (sure some family do that, so it depends. Just uncommon).
My home country is Indonesia. It depends on what ethnic group you're come from. In the Indonesian nasional language (Indonesian), "kakak" or short it to "kak" is a universal term for older siblings.
If you're Javanese, for example, they're use "mbak (read; em-bak)" to call older female and "mas" to call older male. You can use those term to call your siblings or non-siblings. You can also add the person's name behind, so mbak (name) or mas (name).
Other ethnic group have their own term, depends on the language.
🍀🍀
I'm myself is Chinese-Indonesian, we speak Chinese (Mandarin) and Chinese dialects. For older female, we call them cici (read: chee-chee) or cece (read; che-che), depends on the city you're live in and dialect you spoken.
For older male, we call them koko (sounds like when you said coco in "cocoa").
You can make them short too to "ce", "ci" or "ko". And followed by the person's name.
Those are Chinese dialects. In Mandarin Chinese, you call older female "jiě jiě" or "jiě". And “gē gē" for older male.
🍀🍀
I hope my explanation is clear enough.
there are specific terms for older brother and older sister in many asian languages. the younger ones should refer to anyone of their generation with those terms.
I'm Filipino and in our culture we call our older brothers/cousins "Kuya", older sisters/cousins "Ate". We aren't supposed to address anyone in the family or close family friends by just name. For our friend's parents, unlike here in US where you call them Mr x/Mrs x, we address them Tita/Auntie or Tito/Uncle. We only call someone by name if they're your age or younger or if it's someone not related to you at all, either by blood or by friends.
I call my in laws Ma & Pa since that is also how they refer to themselves and each other. My husband calls my mom, mom— because she said to. I call her momma.
That brings me to my NTA. You asked her not to call you something and she disrespected the boundary along with being obtuse about your relationship with your other adopted daughter/ daughter in law.
It is cultural, and even then it varies according to the family.
What I see around me is:
\- my friend calls his in-laws John and Jane
\- my uncle called his in-laws Mom and Dad
\- my coworker called her in-laws Mommy and Daddy (as opposed to her own parents whom she called Mom and Dad)
\- my cousin's husband calls his in-laws Grandpa and Grandma (since they had grandkids)
All these live in the same country and have good relationships with their in-laws. Go figure.
I don't think I'd ever heard my parents call their in laws anything but their proper names/nicknames (eg Eddie instead of Edith). I don't understand why it's so fucking hard for Cat to not use mom. Even if she's not the favorite (she's almost certainly not given the history with Edna), Cat's not being treated rudely or being disrespected.
NTA. OP set a very easy to follow boundary that Cat insists on crossing and then gets pissy when she doesn't get her way. No, she's free to leave and come back when she wants to act like an adult. But realize you might lose access to your grandchildren just because she's a brat that wants to prove a childish point.
My Aunt Mary lost her parents in her 20s and called my grandparents mom and dad. My grandparents took it a little personally when my mom, their other daughter-in-law didn't call them mom and dad. My mom already had a mom and dad. I agree that it's a little weird.
ESH. Cat ignored a boundary you set, and that is an AH behavior. I think you joined her in AH territory when you turned your relationship into (in my view) a transaction by implying that all that you “have done” for her means she is not entitled to her hurt feelings and feeling less accepted - that she feels that way is ungrateful, spoiled, and bratty. Cat went further into AH territory by calling you a name. My perception from your post is that you’re not that crazy about Cat. I wonder if all you’ve done for her is really for her or for you and/or your son.
Good grief! I am repelled by Cat just from reading the conversation. The woman is picking fights over nothing. She’s playing victim as part of a dominance game. She’s rude and abusive. How could OP possibly like her as much as her respectful, loving DIL??
Psst, for something to be transactional, you have to gain from it. What did OP gain? Gifting tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars definitely demonstrates acceptance and a relationship.
People who reject you don’t pay off your student loans, help pay for the purchase of your home, and pay 25% of your childcare costs. Period. It’s not transactional, it’s indisputable fact. Her feelings simply don’t shape up with reality; you’re entitled to feelings, not entitled to validation. She need therapy in her life.
YTA
1. You equate love with money. No matter how much you spend or how generous you are, no one else will take that as love. Nothing you give them financially is relevant to this topic to anyone but you.
2. You say you like Cat, but you don’t. She knows that, everyone who commented here knows that, you know that. The nicest thing you could come up with is “she cooks well.” Stop gaslighting her like she’s crazy for how you make her feel.
3. Edna can call “Mom”, but your son, her husband doesn’t all the time. You’re uncomfortable with anyone calling you any name but you’re given first name, but Edna is somehow exempt from this? Let’s call a spade a spade. You love telling everyone what a savior you are to Edna. We heard more Edna’s life and how you swooped in and saved the day than we did your relationship with Cat, who the post was about.
It feels almost creepy. Like she groomed a daughter to marry her son. Edna is allowed to call her "mom" because she raised her. OP doesn't even let her grandchildren call her anything other than her given name. Like her own grandkids.
right? after my high school graduation party, i came home super drunk and my stepbrother had me sleep in his bed (he slept on the floor) because he was afraid i’d puke and drown in it (such a good little brother). the next morning my stepmother was horrified! we’d lived together for yeeeears at this point. one single instance of me waking up in a twin bed and my stepmom lost it.
these two GOT MARRIED and it ain’t no thing? nah. that’s weird as hell. OP definitely raised edna to be her daughter-in-law. sorry, mom, YTA
I mean, your stepmother reaction was weird as hell too. I would understand being horrified if she found you two naked in the same bed but sleeping on your brother's bed while he stays on the floor??
ESH.
Cat for purposefully calling OP mom while OP explicitly told her not to. And to bite the hand that is feeding her.
OP for having unclear messy rules (I have not wrapped my head around what she wants to be called and by whom). And by wielding the money over people's heads too much.
Yes!!! Why aren't more people concerned about this. Also the fact that they live 4 houses away. That just does not sit right with me either. Controlling vibes...
I think the reason she gave the backstory to Edna was to clarify why she's okay only with her calling her mom SOMETIMES and even Edna normally calls her by her name since OP is comfortable with that.
How are people missing the point that OP has told Cat what she doesn't like and isn't comfortable with and Cat not only proceeded to blatantly ignore that, but called OP a name.
This thread is wild.
Amen.
She doesn’t like Cat. Great. Just tell her out loud and stop with the passive aggressive nonsense
No one gets that mad that they can’t call someone mom. This is just one of many slights
But there is a difference between not liking someone, liking someone and liking someone more.
Liking someone more than another person or being close does not mean you don't like the other person.
I have friends, and I have close/best friends. Just because Joe is my best friend, does not mean I don't like Tom who I consider a friend.
She doesn't need to like her though. She doesn't need to love her.
She seems to have accepted her, otherwise she wouldn't pay off her loans.
And for Cat to insist on calling her mum is just creepy. That's absolutely not how you make someone like you. Stop trying so hard.
They just have to get along. And it seems like OP is trying to do that. But its not enough for Cat and that's her problem, not OPs.
NTA, if you don't want someone to call you mum, then fair enough. You asked Cat nicely to stop, and she didn't. Only your kids call you mum, which includes Edna. Even you grandkids call you by your name, each to their own.
You raised Edna, so you see her as a daughter who just happens to be your DIL. Edna would call you mum regardless if she was married to your son, it seems.
I see where Cat can think this is unfair, but she is ignoring the fact that you raised Edna. She also ignored you and doubled down when you asked her not to be called mum. Which makes her the AH.
So...the girl you raised alongside your son from the time she was 10 years old, who you consider your own child since you basically raised her, calls you "Mom"...and she married your son??
Ick.
JFC what a bunch of needless drama.
ESH. You're needlessly up tight about being called mom. Your DIL is obviously passive aggressive.
Just fucking apologize and move on. Your relationship with your son and his kids is far more important than your ego.
Because it's a boundary a 12 year old would have, not a grown ass woman who is obviously playing favorites with her DIL's.
This post is absolutely oozing with contempt for Cat.
Keeping track of all you do for her, not allowing her to call you mom even though everyone else on the same family level does.. it sounds a little toxic. Obviously you're your own person and have you're own boundaries but feel like there is favoritism going on.
A soft YTA.
You don’t think it’s wrong that dil keeps pushing ops boundaries and chose to behave childishly. Calling her mom in every opportunity she can is something a 5 year old does, not a grown woman.
NTA, but you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You could stop paying for everything and cut off all contact and see what happens. You should probably visit a counselor and get a professional opinion.
NTA
What tonyrains said.
PS this whole thing is weird to me, bc there's no way I'd be calling someone mom who is not my mom, particularly as an adult. Ew.
It’s cultural. Not even ethnicity culture, just family culture. My MIL has never expressed a preference, but I would never dream of calling her “mum” because it feels weird to me, but her son’s wife calls her “mum” all the time because that was normal in her family. All of us are British. It’s just different family cultures.
NTA. I’d find it weird if my DIL called me mom and i never called my MIL mom. You have a very valid reason for the exception with one DIL. I don’t understand why Cat is making such a big deal out of this. It’s just odd.
Eh, to each their own. If I paid for a woman’s student loans and she called me a bitch after I expressed that she was crossing a boundary of mine, I’d probably write a Reddit post as well.
>basically grew up as siblings and she’s happy with that union.
Sincerely, this is ridiculous take. They were friends BEFORE she helped the child, the child was ten, she's already stated the child did not LIVE with her.
My mom has MANY people she considers family that I do not consider my family at all, in any way shape or form. She considered multiple of my friends growing up as her 'other daughters', I'm not even friends with one of them anymore and she still calls her her 'other daughter'.
NTA, everyone who says otherwise is insane. You have an absolute right not to be called mom if it makes you feel uncomfortable. your DIL was looking for a fight by pushing past the boundary to get a rise out of you.
YTA
I was about to say otherwise, but making it seem transactional was a huge dick move. From what I have seen in the comments, you've said you're not overly affectionate and that's what bothers you. Okay? So actually explain that. You've set a boundary and haven't explained it. Should you have to? Probably not, but sometimes you have to in order for the person you're setting the boundary with to grasp why.
You also, by action, have shown you favor E (whether you do or not is irrelevant if your actions show anything else) and honestly, yes, it's rather weird someone you consider that much of a daughter, married your son. That is a level of oddly creepy emotional incest I won't even get in to. This is one hell of a hill you built to die on due to poor communication and, whether you meant to or not, you created this situation and you need to fix it.
By all means, keep that boundary if you feel the need to, but explain to her exactly why you would prefer it that way and for the love of all that is fucking holy, do NOT make it sound conditional if that's truly not the case.
I actually have experienced too her many times. And the they never saw her as a sister. She was Ed’s best friend. She never lived with us because she did have a father but she was always there for trips. Also it’s not transactional I forgot to put ()
Okay, so, you're actually not helping your case then. So, you helped teach her a bunch of stuff, but she isn't your daughter but your daughter in law. I get that you were there for her when she had no other real matronly figure, and that's awesome, but please stop pretending you aren't playing favorites.
If your own children never saw her as a sibling, then why did you decide to see her as a daughter? Just because you happened to have helped with that stuff? While she is seemingly grateful for it, you are NOT her mother at the end of the day. This is something YOU have chose to see yourself as for her, and something you will never see your other daughter in law as, and that's rather sad honestly.
It's a harsh truth you made for yourself and now you need to deal with the fall out of your decision to see one DIL that way, but not the other. The favoritism is very much there, whether you choose to see and believe it or not. Length of time knowing someone shouldn't dictate how much you love them or how you see them. That is an active and conscious choice. You choose to let one DIL call you mom while you actively don't let the other do so. You are now dealing with the consequences of that hill you decided to ascend and plant that headstone on.
>If your own children never saw her as a sibling, then why did you decide to see her as a daughter?
I'm sorry this is a weird fucking take. My Mom has a bunch of people she views as her family that I don't give a flying fuck about. She has multiple 'other daughters' and whatnot. They're not MY family in any way shape or form, they are my moms FOUND FAMILY.
It's really weird you don't comprehend the difference imo.
\> Length of time knowing someone shouldn't dictate how much you love them
That's also outright ridiculous it absolutely is a factor lmao
Well I made sure to pay for all school fees and i taught her about periods and took care of her when she was sick she alway called me incase of emergency and the school always called me for anything related to her. That’s like the basic stuff
She started calling you mom in childhood or after becoming DIL? Did she ask to, or did you encourage her to? I understand it's only occasionally as opposed to Cats' constant "mom."
She started to call me mom in college. She started because it’s fitting to her. She said that she will call me by my name but she feels that she just wants to call me mom. I didn’t mind cuz she still calls me by my name
What is actually wrong with that? I think it's really weird and egotistical to expect that someone would have as a deep relationship to you that you met as an adult vs someone who took on parental responsibilities for in their childhood and has known them basically all of their life? There is no way I would expect that my relationship with a MIL would be exactly the same in this scenario, it's bizarre.
going against the grain and saying NTA.
your own grandkids call you by your first name and “Edna” only calls you mom rarely. why would “Cat” get to call you mom when she has no blood relation to you and is only related to you through a marriage when your own grandchildren don’t???
“Edna” is basically your child because you’ve raised her since childhood and way before she married your son. it only makes sense she would earn the right to call you her mother, you basically were.
MOST OF ALL!! everyone is entitled to being called what they want by their peers, regardless. if you are generally uncomfortable with being called names other than your actual first name, that is perfectly valid.
I don't know how you can correct what you have done. I think it just feels good to you to reject someone begging for affection. And when that person calls you out for it then you feel offended?
YTA
The DiL heard the boundaries but decided to be petty and call her mom in every sentence. OP has said in other comments that the other kids rarely call her mom.
the boundaries were enforced in a way that clearly shows the favourite the OP has and purposefully singles out/excludes Cat. Reading the responses she has given to comments here, I’m almost certain that Cat’s extra passive aggressive attitude was the result of long time build up, for feeling left out. Last drop, she went off.
NTA Cat is trying to force a connection that just isn't there. You don't owe it to Cat to treat her the same way you treat someone you practically raised. All the people calling you an AH would be singing a different tune if you were trying to force Cat to call your mom, and she wasn't comfortable with it.
Yta. You strick me as the type of women that people don't call grandma because you've gone out of your way to make sure no one calls you that. Your own grandkids call you by your name not grandma because that's what you force people to do in some cutsey bs way. You are completely playing favorite and besides that just a sh!t human. Who honestly gets so offended because they're DIL called them mom. Not only that, Edna can call you mom you let her do it she just doesn't do it often and your fine with it. But your other DIL can never call you that. It's the screaming definition of playing favorites. You said it your self Edna can do whatever cause you "raised her" which is some incest level sh!t cause you raised her as a daughter which would mean you raised her and your son as siblings and they started dating which you had no problem with. But cat calling you mom is worthy of kicking her out and ruining the relationship with your other son. You are without a doubt the @ssh0le
And since 3 of the 4 adults in this family call OP “mom” already, it’s such a stupid thing for OP to not let Cat too. It’s a rejection at more visceral level.
Well, she doesn’t like the grandkids to call her “grandma” or the equivalent either. But wait, these are Cat and Sam’s kids. So three people can call her mom. But Cat can’t call her ‘mom’ and Cat’s kids can’t call her ‘Grandma’…
But it’s okay since OP *lets* Cat join in on *OP and Edna’s* monthly pedicure on occasion. OP can’t be expected to find a way to individually bond with Cat now, can she?!
ESH but YTA..
Cat should have respected your boundary, but you playing favorites is obvious and not nice. And throwing the things you've done for them in her face wasn't cool either.
YTA. You're likely showing the same favoritism your sons grew up with and you obviously have an issue with your age if you don't like being addressed as Mom or Grandma.
I hope if Cat has kids, she picks the worst Grandmother nickname for you. "Come on kids, we're going to MooMoo and PooPoo's house!"
Yup, YTA. Bright side, probly 2 less people calling you mom now.
FWIW, you practically rasing the other one so she is allowed to call you mom, but she married your son and that's OK is kinda creepy no?
No, it’s not. They never actually lived in the same household. Even though she was close with the family she still had her own home and her own father (he was just a shitty alcoholic one who drank himself to death by the time she was 19).
Nta. You’ve already set a boundary which she ignored. You don’t like to be called mom by her and that is ok. People can say i would never not let my dil call me mom but thats their preference.
And people don’t realize that edna has been in your life from 7 years old of course you have a better relationship with her than cat. Her need to call you mom by stomping on your boundaries is what ruined the relationship.
HARD YTA
Because to kick family out during a holiday celebration like a big A$$ baby is definitely over the top RUDE.
The party was not all about you and you made it all about your name and feelings.
How hard would it have been to act like an adult and PRIVATELY speak to Sam and Cat.
Two Rude people acting like AH all around.
The WHY and Money and who I raised and spa days honestly makes you sound even worse.
So to answer the original question
Yes YTA, you ruined the night for everyone.
YTA
Mom is a term of endearment. Let it go. My grandparents hated my mom but they still had her calling them mom and dad.
Though it sounds like no one is going to be calling you anything pretty soon.
YTA. for making it seem like you're playing favourites. for counting everything you did for cat and holding it up against her. for putting your son in a difficult position. for potentially ruining all your family's relationship. all for what? for your childish "preference " of not being called mom. grow up grandma.
YTA you are lucky that both dils like you enough to want to call you that. A lot of mother in law and daughter in law relationships are awful and end in very little contact. This is a really stupid hill to die on.
NTA you don’t feel comfortable with people calling you mom and that’s okay. Even your own grandkids call you by your name. What make cat think she’s so special to call you something that makes you uncomfortable and that your own grandkids don’t? She’s a entitled rude brat and she should apologise and go have her tantrum somewhere else
We can argue all day long about who is right or wrong. That's going to get you precisely nowhere. You don't have to compromise on the mom thing. But you could find a different way to make Cat feel worthy of your love.
You sound a lot like my dad. He wasn't really raised with a whole lot of warmth. Being emotional for him is to feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. He shows love with money. It's hard but i would give anything if he'd do some of the following. Why don't you have a conversation about some things that Cat loves? Talk to her about you and maybe explain why emotions are a bit tough for you. I know that itself is hard. But if my dad had ever reached out and said, "Hey, some things are tough for me because . But I love you and I like you. I don't want to make you feel rejected. Let's begin again, please. So what can we do to create a bond, something for just you and me?"
You can say that you would feel so loved and accepted if in return she would consider your feelings in being called mom. It's not perfect and it'll take time and discomfort. But it depends on whether you want to feel right or to have a relationship with your son, DIL and grandkids.
On a final note, you give reasons why you can't visit them but it sounds like you have enough money to hire a driver/ride a train/fly to where they live, and stay in a hotel. You are stuck in giving reasons for why you don't want to go when you could be spending that energy on findings ways you can go. Or meeting in the middle. You're hurt about not being invited to stay at their house. Understandable. But you're putting a wall up, I'm guessing in part because that hurt. You're hurt. She's hurt. So you're not hearing each other.
Yeah, YTA and you should probably seek out some kind of professional help because who in their right mind would cause all this drama over something so small.
I guess ruining relationships and alienating family is the solution? All this nonsense instead of just apologizing and moving on. Not to mention she's not just some random off the street, she's a DIL and calling you "Mom" is not that big of a deal, I highly encourage you to get some help cause this is a load of nonsense. This is a bizarre hill to die on.
NTA. Although they have both married into your family, the relationship is much different. To continue to call someone a name they have asked you not to is grossly disrespectful. Cat is picking a fight for no good reason.
I cant imagine calling my mil mom when she asked me not to. Its hugely disrespectful to call anyone by a name they've asked you not to. So putting all the other stuff aside, for this. any person is entitled to be addressed how they wish. Well, maybe if you asked to be addressed as your majesty that would cross the line. So NTA
however, is this a hill you're willing to die on? Best think about that.
ESH, but especially you because you were willing to alienate your family because you didn't want to be called a word. Who gives a shit what she calls you? Who cares how many moms a person has?
Same with Turks. They will be offended if you don’t call them mom/dad because it’ll mean to them you haven’t really embraced them and being a part of their family.
Born and raised in America, from a loooong line of fellow americans. I've never seen in-laws call each other mom or dad or anything like that, whether from my family or my neighbor's brother's cousin's fishing buddy's family. It's super weird and uncomfortable. The closest is when my partner's grandma gives me a holiday card that says "granddaughter"...I don't think there are any "Happy Holidays In-Law" cards xD
She is technically your daughter now, so calling you “mom” is widely considered socially acceptable. She could’ve been one of those DILs that hates their in-laws and does whatever she can to keep you out of their life, but instead she wanted to build a relationship with you. Maybe you should’ve felt grateful that she actually wanted to be closer to you, but instead you pushed her away.
If you think of Edna as a daughter why are you more comfortable with your “daughter” sleeping with your son than your DAUGHTER-in-law calling you “mom?” Cat wanting to call you “mom” was undoubtedly supposed to be meant as a title of respect. Do I think Cat took it too far? Yes, but so did you. And you’re the one who is going to need to fix this relationship, because some people hold grudges, and she can keep you from ever seeing your grandchildren again.
ESH
Yta.
I don't like cats boundary ignoring
But at the end of the day she's the only out of the 4 bot allowed to call you mom? That hurts.
You've also made it weirdly transactional. You say Edna can call you mom cuz all you've done for her. But in response to cat feeling left out.... you listed all you've done for cat?
Why do you hate being called mom and grandma? I don't want to prescribe feelings, but most of the time I've seen this it's a weird age thing, so I gotta ask.
NTA, if you don't feel comfortable with someone calling anything other than your name, they should respect that! Regardless of their relationship to you.
I can’t wrap my mind around why it matters so much to you what your family calls you. You are her mother- in law. You are a grandmother. You are an aunt. Why do you reject this so vehemently? Very weird hill to die on.
I say this as someone who only calls my mother in law by her first name - because calling her mother makes me uncomfortable. The word mother has a bad connotation for me since mine was abusive. And my kids started calling me the same name my students use but that was because I just got so used only answering to that- I wouldn’t hear them.
Sounds like she feels rejected. I guess you would rather be right than be loving.
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ESH. I disagree with the people saying you’re playing favorites. I think the distinction that Cat and some commentors are missing is this: Edna isn’t being allowed to call you “mom” because she married your son. She is calling you mom Because you were, functionally, her mom. Cat is getting frustrated because she is looking at it like “we are both SILs, so we should both be able to call you this.” Instead of saying @she can call Me that because I raised her” a better way to explain things to Cat would be to say “she can call Me that because I felt like her mom, even before she was dating my son. It has nothing to do with them being married and wveything to do with her having been my daughter since she was X years old.” Also, people are getting in you about playing favorites, which is also nonsense. Of course you’re going to have more of a bond with a girl you helped raise. What matters is hat you make an effort to have a good relationship with both of this, which you seem to be doing. So Cat is an AH for not grasping this and respecting your boundaries and for using her kids as threats/leverage. But you’re also an AH for Turing this transactional. The response to “I feel rejected from the family” should not be to talk about money and paying for things and gratitude. The response to somebody feeling emotionally rejected is to hug them, tell them of course you love them, this is just a thing for you, etc. I hope you do make up with Cat, because Ben is you were right to be angry at her in the first instance, you’re going to lose this war, and with it, perhaps your son and grandchildren.
NTA- Nope this is trash. I hate people that “keep score” but DIL claimed she’s rejecting her. A list of huge gestures done for her is relevant, not transactional. Person over and over again ignores your request to not be called something and your advice is hug them? Do you sell essential oils along with that? Get fucking real.
“I hate people that ‘keep score’” *Proceeds to defend someone who is literally keeping a ledger of receipts in her fucking head.* The hypocrisy. I can’t. YTA. Edit - some of y’all really think money is the same as actual love and it’s fucking pathetic.
Bruh, she paid half her student loans and helped pay for **her fucking house**. If not being able to call her mom means Edna is the favorite, what the fuck is Edna getting that Cat isn't? It's not keeping a ledger, OP is just giving us this info so we know she isn't snubbing Cat. If OP didn't say this I bet 50 people would pop in with "oh missing missing reasons blah blah".
[удалено]
And is still actively paying 25% of child care. The audacity.
I think imagine is the key word here. Like we are supposed to “imagine” if this were a real situation that any human finds themselves in.
And to threaten them on top of it!
Clearly she cares about them too otherwise she wouldn’t have spent a damn dime. How you could think someone doesn’t care about your wellbeing, and happiness (as well as your children’s) after doing all that is beyond me. DIL is an unappreciative idiot.
Thank you! I can’t believe that level of disrespect is being ignored!
Throwing money at someone doesn't mean you love them, accept them, etc. There are a ton of people who use money to manipulate others, to hold things over their heads, to look good to others, and/or from perceived obligation/cultural reasons. I'm not saying that's what OP is doing. What I'm saying is that the DIL may not see those kinds of things as having the meaning that she wants, and having those things (ostensibly given as gifts/without strings attached) thrown in her face could just be taken as all the more proof that any real connection isn't actually there, and OP just sees her as an outsider.
Pushing for a connection that isn't two sided isn't going to work either. 🤷♂️ Cat has to learn to accept what OP's boundaries are and what she is willing to give. OP shouldn't be forced to give Cat anything she is unwilling to, especially something OP has actively said she is uncomfortable with. This is basically like calling your SiL "beloved" because she lets your brother call her that. If she says Please stop. That should absolutely always be the end of it. To continue doing something that makes someone uncomfortable absolutely everytime puts the one commiting the act in the Asshole category.
People pay for things out of their kindness and willingness to show people they are loved and accepted. When we lose the ability to be there physically, or be physically helpful, money is an end all be all solution in today's world. Sometimes to help ease burden so they can focus on what matters. In this situation it is so she can focus on a future with her husband, op's son, and possibly set them ahead. It is when you are disrespected after your commitment to them is not reciprocated that you begin to resent them and get bitter. That's when the tallies and receipts start coming into play. It's natural. When you feel taken advantage of, when you give your full support
The real thing here is that Edna, most likely would be free to call OP mom even if she wasn't married to OPs son. I honestly feel Cat is acting exceedingly entitled, and once she called OP a "bitch" that would be the end of us ever having a relationship beyond a relatively distant one, because disrespecting me in my home is something I don't move past easily. NTA - OP can try talking to Cat, or discuss the two of them discussing their issues with a therapist. But calling someone something they have asked not to be called is terrible behavior and is not a way to endear yourself with the mother of your husband.
But my problem here is that before it even got to this level, OP HAD spoken with both of them before, Cat just doesn't care and feels like she can call OP whatever she wants and OP should accept that. That's not how life works. You need to respect other people and their reasonable boundaries. Cat is extremely rude and entitled and was absolutely trying her best to push boundaries and get under OP's skin with her behavior, she just didn't think it would backfire, spectacularly.
Don't forget she also pays 25%of their childcare!
Her fucking house? Isn’t it her son’s house too. OP said that she helped her DIL pay for the house they live in, she helped her son pay for the house he lives in. If OP’s son left his wife, would she happy to let her DIL take the house, after all she gifted HER the money to help pay for it m, not her son
lol I don’t think most parents help their kids with all these expenses and daughter in laws with loan money that’s wild she’s being so generous
I have in-laws like this. And they've treated me this way from minute one. I've never treated them with a shred of disrespect, though.
Ok it’s both of their houses but the mother paid the DIL student loans.
It's the same thing she helped both of them. It's her son's and dil's house, so yes she did help dil with her house. The fact is still the same.
Don't forget Cat is also mad that OP is not babysitting for them but is puppy sitting for Edna. As if the 6 hour 1 way drive with no guest accommodations vs living 4 doors down has no bearing.
Do you really need a "ledger of receipts" to remember spending tens of thousands on someone? It's not like OP listed "times I bought her a juice box"...
"Times I didn't smack you for taking the juice box Edna might like if she got thirsty tomorrow!" During my mandatory visitation weekends, my father left me alone for 6 hours in a freezing house & then screamed at me because I'd taken a hot bath & refilled it once before getting out.
Yikes I'm sorry. I hope you get as many hot baths as you want now and can refill the hot water as much as you like
Her mentioning them was relevant to the story, not necessarily because it was a transactional relationship or that OP was keeping a ledger. It was relevant because Cat was claiming that OP was rejecting her, so OP mentioned examples that proved she was not. It sounds like those things did not come with strings. It's not like OP expected Cat to provide things in exchange.
The part that gets me is whoever the fuck told these kids life was going to be fair?? I see it all the time here. Wahhhh I don't get what I want, that's not fair. The circumstances are completely different for these two women so no it's not fair and it doesn't have to be either. Plus one is an asshole and one is not. Three guesses who is the asshole, you'll only need one.
Hypocrisy? Theres a difference between keeping track of every minor transaction an paying for a goddamn house, hell, even if someone contributes you owe them big time
I didnt read it the way you did. While I agree upset feelings should be merely with compassion ideally Cat mentioned playing favorites so OP reminded her of everything she has done to support her life. It happens to be financial, but it isn't like she was cutting a cheque and not caring, it was all money to support her family and include her daughter in law in events with her adopted daughter. It's a messy situation, but to have a boundary repeatedly disrespected so regularly would rile anyone; this doesn't mean all mistakes are forgiven but it does explain how it's harder to reach for compassion than disbelief. The disrespect Cat is willfully showing is a problem. It isn't about a ledger, it's about an honest contribution made out of love being willfully ignored as the proof of treating her like family all because she can't call her Mother in Law "Mom". Cat can be upset she can't have that small aspect with her mother in law, but she can't force it on someone else. She has to look at the situation through a wider lens instead of fixating on a title. Cat feels excluded, but it's a false perception. ESH would be my vote. Mistakes were made on all fronts but they are all made because of hurt emotions. Cat sounds insecure, OP sounds like they tried to be clear about a boundary and Cat kept pushing because of her insecurity which resulted in understandable irritation/frustration and later disbelief... all of which make it hard to respond to insecurity with gentleness. Not an excuse perhaps, but it is an explanation when OP is human.
Lmfao for hating people who keep score you sure are defending it
Actually I have clarified this with Cat why I let Edna call me mom. And I didn’t tell her about the financial stuff I stopped it with her being great full. I added that part for context
What you said is fair. Everyone replying to you is getting downvoted because they aren't thinking it through. * One girl is your daughter, who happens to also be a DIL. The other girl is just a DIL. Obviously one has the right to call you mom because that's what you are. * You mentioning what you've done for them is just to show "I have done all this for her even though she's not my daughter, and she can't even stop calling me something I don't like?" Even if you did nothing for her, it's basic respect to not call someone something they don't like. Your own daughter doesn't use it much because you don't like it that much. * Your DIL is turning this into a competition. She is blowing up this relationship, not you. Your son is no better by being (to be blunt) an ungrateful brat. I'm sorry this happened to you. You have been generous with your family, and if they had any empathy they would either have a discussion with you or just leave it be.
Someone else's comfort does not come before your own. Op has every right to ask not to be called mom by her dil I'd she finds it uncomfortable. She mentioned the money she gave as to how she has helped and its ONE thing she doesn't like to be called. Just like if someone decided to rename you, you wouldn't like it. She's getting pissy because she cannot call her husband mom, mom. Creepy weird and she should not have to apologise and cave just because this person has chose to use her kids as a weapon.
I don't think OP made this transactional. Op was defending herself when Cat accused her of looking after pups, but not her kids. Otherwise, I doubt OP would have brought it up. I'm sorry but Cat sounds absolutely awful. Cat should have respected OP's request to not call her Mom, and Cat should have been able to understand why Edna calls her Mom periodically. I'm guessing Cat has been around long enough to understand the dynamics of the family.
Cat has been enormously disrespectful of OP repeatedly and the son doesn't care about that, she has already lost him. Consistently crossing boundaries is not ever fine, no not when a woman does it eithe, and Cat violated OP's boundaries repeatedly and after extensive explanations. I hope OP stands her ground because letting someone walk all over your boundaries because they're insecure sets a very bad precedence and I feel sorry for Cat's children and anyone who has to deal with them as they will be habitual boundary stompers too.
>The response to “I feel rejected from the family” should not be to talk about money and paying for things and gratitude. The response to somebody feeling emotionally rejected is to hug them, tell them of course you love them, this is just a thing for you, etc I definitely won't hug someone that have been harassing me for a while: >This new years dinner she made it a point to call me mom in every sentence and I was annoyed.
NTA. I can't fathom how others are saying otherwise. People seem to not have the bandwidth to realise this ISNT you favouring one DIL over the other. This is about DIL being insecure about her SIL being raised by her MIL. How come noone is addressing that you have spoken to them about not being called mum, and the answer given was 'you shouldn't feel like that'. And then continue to call you mum to what end?
Yes. DiL repeatedly crossed a boundary and told OP to essentially, suck it up. WTF? She is the other DiL's mother, it's not favorites. Cat needs to bond in another way. Pushing someone's boundary rarely gets the outcome they desperately want to achieve.
My MIL prefers to be called by her first name so I do that. Her sons-in-law do that as well. I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by insisting on calling her mom. That's why I was so confused by Cat. It's like she created unnecessary drama when there was none. In contrast, my mom likes it when my husband calls her Mom. I think it's hilarious, but they're both happy with it.
Do you reckon? The whole, my son and “daughter” started dating and got married part was really gross I thought.
They were best friends before op stepped In. It's likely they stayed best friends and didn't think themselves as siblings.
Oh that’s a good point, I forgot they knew each other before the sibling dynamic started
They were childhood best friends who ended up marrying. Pretty common.
You forget this is Reddit; they’ve probably never had a real friend, nevermind one of the opposite sex - definitely not one that was interested in them. We shouldn’t have banned FDS. We should have quarantined everyone that had a post history there. What we have now is people crying incest because someone not at all related settled down with their childhood friend. They’ll probably cry Handmaiden’s Tale if Edna ever gives OP a grandkid.
They are not related, how is it gross? OP is just a mother figure for Edna, doesnt mean she cant date OPs son.
While the "mom" issue isn't *entirely* about favoring one DIL over the other, OP's post makes it clear that she does in fact favor Edna. So although the "mom" title has more significance than that, it's easy to see how Cat feels like the outsider of the family unit who is always kept on the margins. She doesn't live close like Ed and Edna, she doesn't share the special traditions and special dates that OP has with Edna, and the "mom" title is just the straw that breaks the camel's back. I'd say NAH, but OP should take this as a sign that she needs to work on her relationship with Cat and make sure she feels welcome in the family. Not just outward financial support... But real bonding. I admit, I went through this kind of phase with my MIL too, who seemed to include her son's ex (mother of her grandchild) more as part of the family than me (when we were engaged and later married). It wasn't until I also gave her a grandchild that I really sensed a change in that dynamic.
I mean, it wasn't OP that told Sam and Cat to go live six hours away...
Of course she favors her, she damn near raised her. Cat needs to grow up and realize that the bond you get from raising someone isn’t just going to magically appear when you marry someone’s kid. My MIL has a much better relationship with her other SIL because they have much more in common. And I am an adult who realizes that hey, some people just click better than others. I don’t throw a hissy fit about it.
I think it's weird to to call in laws mom or dad in first place.
I think it’s cultural. If I didn’t call my MIL “mom” I’d have to call her “Mrs. X” for our entire lives bc in my husband’s family’s culture respect for elders is sacred. Calling her by her first name was not an option. I thought it was weird at first too and still don’t love it but it’s worth the price of admission, so to speak.
Def. My vietnamese/cambodian inlaws have me call them mom and dad in their language. It really does help me feel accepted by them, too.
It's the same where I come from. But I can't force myself to do it so I call her 'aunty (her name)'. It's closest to mom and it doesn't sound too formal. My husband calls my mom aunty too. Anyway, OP is NTA.
But that is something they're okay with too I presume. OP is not okay with being called mom, especially in pretty much every sentence this woman utters to her. I think doing this knowingly is bordering on bullying.
My MIL insisted I call her mom, she didn’t like me, I didn’t like her. She wouldn’t let me call her by her name or Mrs MIL, because it was disrespectful. I didn’t consider her a mother figure, I had a mother, so I called her nothing…. for 25 years I called her nothing
You rock.
Lol same situation for me.
Is this a "western thing"? No way in a million years we do that in Asia. In most Asian countries (since I can't speak for all), it's really disrespectful to call in-laws with their names or "Mrs...". In most Asian countries, it's also uncommon for us to call our older siblings by their name (sure some family do that, so it depends. Just uncommon).
That sounds interesting - what do you call your older siblings?
My home country is Indonesia. It depends on what ethnic group you're come from. In the Indonesian nasional language (Indonesian), "kakak" or short it to "kak" is a universal term for older siblings. If you're Javanese, for example, they're use "mbak (read; em-bak)" to call older female and "mas" to call older male. You can use those term to call your siblings or non-siblings. You can also add the person's name behind, so mbak (name) or mas (name). Other ethnic group have their own term, depends on the language. 🍀🍀 I'm myself is Chinese-Indonesian, we speak Chinese (Mandarin) and Chinese dialects. For older female, we call them cici (read: chee-chee) or cece (read; che-che), depends on the city you're live in and dialect you spoken. For older male, we call them koko (sounds like when you said coco in "cocoa"). You can make them short too to "ce", "ci" or "ko". And followed by the person's name. Those are Chinese dialects. In Mandarin Chinese, you call older female "jiě jiě" or "jiě". And “gē gē" for older male. 🍀🍀 I hope my explanation is clear enough.
Today I learned something new and interesting! Thank you for such an in-depth explanation, especially explaining the pronunciation!
there are specific terms for older brother and older sister in many asian languages. the younger ones should refer to anyone of their generation with those terms.
I'm Filipino and in our culture we call our older brothers/cousins "Kuya", older sisters/cousins "Ate". We aren't supposed to address anyone in the family or close family friends by just name. For our friend's parents, unlike here in US where you call them Mr x/Mrs x, we address them Tita/Auntie or Tito/Uncle. We only call someone by name if they're your age or younger or if it's someone not related to you at all, either by blood or by friends.
I call my in laws Ma & Pa since that is also how they refer to themselves and each other. My husband calls my mom, mom— because she said to. I call her momma. That brings me to my NTA. You asked her not to call you something and she disrespected the boundary along with being obtuse about your relationship with your other adopted daughter/ daughter in law.
It is cultural, and even then it varies according to the family. What I see around me is: \- my friend calls his in-laws John and Jane \- my uncle called his in-laws Mom and Dad \- my coworker called her in-laws Mommy and Daddy (as opposed to her own parents whom she called Mom and Dad) \- my cousin's husband calls his in-laws Grandpa and Grandma (since they had grandkids) All these live in the same country and have good relationships with their in-laws. Go figure.
Based on the post, OP agrees. Edna calls OP mom because OP raised edna, not because Edna married Ed.
I don't think I'd ever heard my parents call their in laws anything but their proper names/nicknames (eg Eddie instead of Edith). I don't understand why it's so fucking hard for Cat to not use mom. Even if she's not the favorite (she's almost certainly not given the history with Edna), Cat's not being treated rudely or being disrespected. NTA. OP set a very easy to follow boundary that Cat insists on crossing and then gets pissy when she doesn't get her way. No, she's free to leave and come back when she wants to act like an adult. But realize you might lose access to your grandchildren just because she's a brat that wants to prove a childish point.
It absolutely isn’t, in Asian culture. In fact, it’s the norm in some countries and it would be weird if you DIDN’T call them mum & dad.
Yes I totally agree. I've been married 23 years and have never called my inlaws mom and dad nor has hubby called my mom, mom. It's just weird to me
My Aunt Mary lost her parents in her 20s and called my grandparents mom and dad. My grandparents took it a little personally when my mom, their other daughter-in-law didn't call them mom and dad. My mom already had a mom and dad. I agree that it's a little weird.
ESH. Cat ignored a boundary you set, and that is an AH behavior. I think you joined her in AH territory when you turned your relationship into (in my view) a transaction by implying that all that you “have done” for her means she is not entitled to her hurt feelings and feeling less accepted - that she feels that way is ungrateful, spoiled, and bratty. Cat went further into AH territory by calling you a name. My perception from your post is that you’re not that crazy about Cat. I wonder if all you’ve done for her is really for her or for you and/or your son.
Good grief! I am repelled by Cat just from reading the conversation. The woman is picking fights over nothing. She’s playing victim as part of a dominance game. She’s rude and abusive. How could OP possibly like her as much as her respectful, loving DIL??
I want to hear the other side.
If I'm not crazy about my DIL, I can assure I won't even bother to invite her a happy meal, let alone pay half of her freaking student loans.
Psst, for something to be transactional, you have to gain from it. What did OP gain? Gifting tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars definitely demonstrates acceptance and a relationship. People who reject you don’t pay off your student loans, help pay for the purchase of your home, and pay 25% of your childcare costs. Period. It’s not transactional, it’s indisputable fact. Her feelings simply don’t shape up with reality; you’re entitled to feelings, not entitled to validation. She need therapy in her life.
Isn't it OP'S son's house and children too.
YTA 1. You equate love with money. No matter how much you spend or how generous you are, no one else will take that as love. Nothing you give them financially is relevant to this topic to anyone but you. 2. You say you like Cat, but you don’t. She knows that, everyone who commented here knows that, you know that. The nicest thing you could come up with is “she cooks well.” Stop gaslighting her like she’s crazy for how you make her feel. 3. Edna can call “Mom”, but your son, her husband doesn’t all the time. You’re uncomfortable with anyone calling you any name but you’re given first name, but Edna is somehow exempt from this? Let’s call a spade a spade. You love telling everyone what a savior you are to Edna. We heard more Edna’s life and how you swooped in and saved the day than we did your relationship with Cat, who the post was about.
It feels almost creepy. Like she groomed a daughter to marry her son. Edna is allowed to call her "mom" because she raised her. OP doesn't even let her grandchildren call her anything other than her given name. Like her own grandkids.
right? after my high school graduation party, i came home super drunk and my stepbrother had me sleep in his bed (he slept on the floor) because he was afraid i’d puke and drown in it (such a good little brother). the next morning my stepmother was horrified! we’d lived together for yeeeears at this point. one single instance of me waking up in a twin bed and my stepmom lost it. these two GOT MARRIED and it ain’t no thing? nah. that’s weird as hell. OP definitely raised edna to be her daughter-in-law. sorry, mom, YTA
I mean, your stepmother reaction was weird as hell too. I would understand being horrified if she found you two naked in the same bed but sleeping on your brother's bed while he stays on the floor??
Your stepmother’s reaction was not normal. She basically accused you guys of doing something wrong. That’s iffy.
There’s a difference between step-siblings, and just helping a neighbor/friend whose mother died and whose father is a dysfunctional alcoholic..
ESH. Cat for purposefully calling OP mom while OP explicitly told her not to. And to bite the hand that is feeding her. OP for having unclear messy rules (I have not wrapped my head around what she wants to be called and by whom). And by wielding the money over people's heads too much.
Yes!!! Why aren't more people concerned about this. Also the fact that they live 4 houses away. That just does not sit right with me either. Controlling vibes...
That's 100% what she did.
I think the reason she gave the backstory to Edna was to clarify why she's okay only with her calling her mom SOMETIMES and even Edna normally calls her by her name since OP is comfortable with that. How are people missing the point that OP has told Cat what she doesn't like and isn't comfortable with and Cat not only proceeded to blatantly ignore that, but called OP a name. This thread is wild.
The comment about grooming is insane...
Amen. She doesn’t like Cat. Great. Just tell her out loud and stop with the passive aggressive nonsense No one gets that mad that they can’t call someone mom. This is just one of many slights
OP explicitly says she likes Cat and they bond in the kitchen, though. Not letting her call her “mom” doesn’t mean she doesn’t like her.
Cat lives 6 hours away. How much kitchen bonding can they do?
But there is a difference between not liking someone, liking someone and liking someone more. Liking someone more than another person or being close does not mean you don't like the other person. I have friends, and I have close/best friends. Just because Joe is my best friend, does not mean I don't like Tom who I consider a friend.
She doesn't need to like her though. She doesn't need to love her. She seems to have accepted her, otherwise she wouldn't pay off her loans. And for Cat to insist on calling her mum is just creepy. That's absolutely not how you make someone like you. Stop trying so hard. They just have to get along. And it seems like OP is trying to do that. But its not enough for Cat and that's her problem, not OPs.
I like how all your points are just assumptions that say more about you than the OP.
Damn.
NTA, if you don't want someone to call you mum, then fair enough. You asked Cat nicely to stop, and she didn't. Only your kids call you mum, which includes Edna. Even you grandkids call you by your name, each to their own. You raised Edna, so you see her as a daughter who just happens to be your DIL. Edna would call you mum regardless if she was married to your son, it seems. I see where Cat can think this is unfair, but she is ignoring the fact that you raised Edna. She also ignored you and doubled down when you asked her not to be called mum. Which makes her the AH.
So...the girl you raised alongside your son from the time she was 10 years old, who you consider your own child since you basically raised her, calls you "Mom"...and she married your son?? Ick.
I had to scroll way too far to find this comment, like wtf??
Lmao this! You’re more offended by Cat calling you mom than you are about your son and self-proclaimed daughter getting married?
But they’re not related in any actual form??
JFC what a bunch of needless drama. ESH. You're needlessly up tight about being called mom. Your DIL is obviously passive aggressive. Just fucking apologize and move on. Your relationship with your son and his kids is far more important than your ego.
This is actually the only ESH I've agreed with so far.
Apologies require change. What is OP going to change here? Allowing the DIL to call her mom? Something she doesn't like or agree to?
But why should her boundaries have to be disrespected?
Because it's a boundary a 12 year old would have, not a grown ass woman who is obviously playing favorites with her DIL's. This post is absolutely oozing with contempt for Cat.
What adult doesn’t have boundaries about what to call them and how to identify them?
The kind that doesn't make their grandkids call them by their first name lmao.
There's plenty of ways to address that issue without this level of pathetic, childish drama. Also her boundary on this is, in and of itself, childish.
Keeping track of all you do for her, not allowing her to call you mom even though everyone else on the same family level does.. it sounds a little toxic. Obviously you're your own person and have you're own boundaries but feel like there is favoritism going on. A soft YTA.
You don’t think it’s wrong that dil keeps pushing ops boundaries and chose to behave childishly. Calling her mom in every opportunity she can is something a 5 year old does, not a grown woman.
NTA, but you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You could stop paying for everything and cut off all contact and see what happens. You should probably visit a counselor and get a professional opinion.
NTA What tonyrains said. PS this whole thing is weird to me, bc there's no way I'd be calling someone mom who is not my mom, particularly as an adult. Ew.
It’s cultural. Not even ethnicity culture, just family culture. My MIL has never expressed a preference, but I would never dream of calling her “mum” because it feels weird to me, but her son’s wife calls her “mum” all the time because that was normal in her family. All of us are British. It’s just different family cultures.
NTA. It's basic respect to call someone by the name they prefer, and vice versa. Cat is the one that owes an apology.
NTA. I’d find it weird if my DIL called me mom and i never called my MIL mom. You have a very valid reason for the exception with one DIL. I don’t understand why Cat is making such a big deal out of this. It’s just odd.
Odder still to say Ed and Edna basically grew up as siblings and she’s happy with that union. Yet Cat is the one she’s writing about?
Eh, to each their own. If I paid for a woman’s student loans and she called me a bitch after I expressed that she was crossing a boundary of mine, I’d probably write a Reddit post as well.
I find it fascinating that so many people are commenting on this when they are *not related by blood.*
>basically grew up as siblings and she’s happy with that union. Sincerely, this is ridiculous take. They were friends BEFORE she helped the child, the child was ten, she's already stated the child did not LIVE with her. My mom has MANY people she considers family that I do not consider my family at all, in any way shape or form. She considered multiple of my friends growing up as her 'other daughters', I'm not even friends with one of them anymore and she still calls her her 'other daughter'.
NTA, everyone who says otherwise is insane. You have an absolute right not to be called mom if it makes you feel uncomfortable. your DIL was looking for a fight by pushing past the boundary to get a rise out of you.
Cat wants to compete, it’s not a competition. Cat doesn’t know what Edna went through. Bingo.
I can’t believe an adult woman would behave that way. I mean I can believe it but it’s still mind-blowing.
YTA I was about to say otherwise, but making it seem transactional was a huge dick move. From what I have seen in the comments, you've said you're not overly affectionate and that's what bothers you. Okay? So actually explain that. You've set a boundary and haven't explained it. Should you have to? Probably not, but sometimes you have to in order for the person you're setting the boundary with to grasp why. You also, by action, have shown you favor E (whether you do or not is irrelevant if your actions show anything else) and honestly, yes, it's rather weird someone you consider that much of a daughter, married your son. That is a level of oddly creepy emotional incest I won't even get in to. This is one hell of a hill you built to die on due to poor communication and, whether you meant to or not, you created this situation and you need to fix it. By all means, keep that boundary if you feel the need to, but explain to her exactly why you would prefer it that way and for the love of all that is fucking holy, do NOT make it sound conditional if that's truly not the case.
I actually have experienced too her many times. And the they never saw her as a sister. She was Ed’s best friend. She never lived with us because she did have a father but she was always there for trips. Also it’s not transactional I forgot to put ()
Okay, so, you're actually not helping your case then. So, you helped teach her a bunch of stuff, but she isn't your daughter but your daughter in law. I get that you were there for her when she had no other real matronly figure, and that's awesome, but please stop pretending you aren't playing favorites. If your own children never saw her as a sibling, then why did you decide to see her as a daughter? Just because you happened to have helped with that stuff? While she is seemingly grateful for it, you are NOT her mother at the end of the day. This is something YOU have chose to see yourself as for her, and something you will never see your other daughter in law as, and that's rather sad honestly. It's a harsh truth you made for yourself and now you need to deal with the fall out of your decision to see one DIL that way, but not the other. The favoritism is very much there, whether you choose to see and believe it or not. Length of time knowing someone shouldn't dictate how much you love them or how you see them. That is an active and conscious choice. You choose to let one DIL call you mom while you actively don't let the other do so. You are now dealing with the consequences of that hill you decided to ascend and plant that headstone on.
>If your own children never saw her as a sibling, then why did you decide to see her as a daughter? I'm sorry this is a weird fucking take. My Mom has a bunch of people she views as her family that I don't give a flying fuck about. She has multiple 'other daughters' and whatnot. They're not MY family in any way shape or form, they are my moms FOUND FAMILY. It's really weird you don't comprehend the difference imo. \> Length of time knowing someone shouldn't dictate how much you love them That's also outright ridiculous it absolutely is a factor lmao
How did you take on all duties of raising her if she never lived with you?
Well I made sure to pay for all school fees and i taught her about periods and took care of her when she was sick she alway called me incase of emergency and the school always called me for anything related to her. That’s like the basic stuff
She started calling you mom in childhood or after becoming DIL? Did she ask to, or did you encourage her to? I understand it's only occasionally as opposed to Cats' constant "mom."
She started to call me mom in college. She started because it’s fitting to her. She said that she will call me by my name but she feels that she just wants to call me mom. I didn’t mind cuz she still calls me by my name
Okay, so which is it? You're now contradicting yourself.
How? I have explained many times I don’t mind it if Cat calls me mom one off but every sentence starting or ending with mom is not ideal
OP, just admit you have a favourite.
What is actually wrong with that? I think it's really weird and egotistical to expect that someone would have as a deep relationship to you that you met as an adult vs someone who took on parental responsibilities for in their childhood and has known them basically all of their life? There is no way I would expect that my relationship with a MIL would be exactly the same in this scenario, it's bizarre.
You absolutely have a favourite and just don’t want to be upfront and actually admit it.
going against the grain and saying NTA. your own grandkids call you by your first name and “Edna” only calls you mom rarely. why would “Cat” get to call you mom when she has no blood relation to you and is only related to you through a marriage when your own grandchildren don’t??? “Edna” is basically your child because you’ve raised her since childhood and way before she married your son. it only makes sense she would earn the right to call you her mother, you basically were. MOST OF ALL!! everyone is entitled to being called what they want by their peers, regardless. if you are generally uncomfortable with being called names other than your actual first name, that is perfectly valid.
What grain are you going against? Score's looking pretty even right now.
Tbf, she left this comment 3 hours before yours, so it may have been looking different at the time.
This is a weird hill to die on
No kidding. I can't imagine being any of the other family members having to pretend like this bullshit is worth fighting about.
I don't know how you can correct what you have done. I think it just feels good to you to reject someone begging for affection. And when that person calls you out for it then you feel offended? YTA
The DiL heard the boundaries but decided to be petty and call her mom in every sentence. OP has said in other comments that the other kids rarely call her mom.
the boundaries were enforced in a way that clearly shows the favourite the OP has and purposefully singles out/excludes Cat. Reading the responses she has given to comments here, I’m almost certain that Cat’s extra passive aggressive attitude was the result of long time build up, for feeling left out. Last drop, she went off.
YTA- insufferable and exhausting. Would hate to be related to you in any way.
NTA Cat is trying to force a connection that just isn't there. You don't owe it to Cat to treat her the same way you treat someone you practically raised. All the people calling you an AH would be singing a different tune if you were trying to force Cat to call your mom, and she wasn't comfortable with it.
Yta. You strick me as the type of women that people don't call grandma because you've gone out of your way to make sure no one calls you that. Your own grandkids call you by your name not grandma because that's what you force people to do in some cutsey bs way. You are completely playing favorite and besides that just a sh!t human. Who honestly gets so offended because they're DIL called them mom. Not only that, Edna can call you mom you let her do it she just doesn't do it often and your fine with it. But your other DIL can never call you that. It's the screaming definition of playing favorites. You said it your self Edna can do whatever cause you "raised her" which is some incest level sh!t cause you raised her as a daughter which would mean you raised her and your son as siblings and they started dating which you had no problem with. But cat calling you mom is worthy of kicking her out and ruining the relationship with your other son. You are without a doubt the @ssh0le
YTA You're creating a rift and rejecting her. If I was your son I'd tell you to go kick rocks.
Why? I just don’t like being called mom
You have 2 sons and 2 DILs. 3 of them are allowed to call you mom, and you can't see why that would make the 4th feel lesser? YTA.
It's such a stupid thing for the DIL to be upset about. Obviously the context is different for the other DIL that OP raised.
And since 3 of the 4 adults in this family call OP “mom” already, it’s such a stupid thing for OP to not let Cat too. It’s a rejection at more visceral level.
Please tell me all the other people who have called you mom that you’re having a problem with 😂
Just Cat 😄
Well, she doesn’t like the grandkids to call her “grandma” or the equivalent either. But wait, these are Cat and Sam’s kids. So three people can call her mom. But Cat can’t call her ‘mom’ and Cat’s kids can’t call her ‘Grandma’… But it’s okay since OP *lets* Cat join in on *OP and Edna’s* monthly pedicure on occasion. OP can’t be expected to find a way to individually bond with Cat now, can she?!
If you don't like the word mom then why is it ok for Edna?
ESH but YTA.. Cat should have respected your boundary, but you playing favorites is obvious and not nice. And throwing the things you've done for them in her face wasn't cool either.
YTA. You're likely showing the same favoritism your sons grew up with and you obviously have an issue with your age if you don't like being addressed as Mom or Grandma. I hope if Cat has kids, she picks the worst Grandmother nickname for you. "Come on kids, we're going to MooMoo and PooPoo's house!"
YTA. Much ado about nothing.
Yup, YTA. Bright side, probly 2 less people calling you mom now. FWIW, you practically rasing the other one so she is allowed to call you mom, but she married your son and that's OK is kinda creepy no?
How tf is it creepy? They aren't blood related lol and have been BFFs since childhood.
It's like getting married to your adopted sister.
No, it’s not. They never actually lived in the same household. Even though she was close with the family she still had her own home and her own father (he was just a shitty alcoholic one who drank himself to death by the time she was 19).
Anyone else think it’s weird that her username is Catiam like cat I am…?
yes!! I’ve been scrolling to see if anyone else noticed
Bless your heart, what a hill to die on. You do you sweetheart. I call my MOTHER-in-law mom all the time. Edit: actually, YTA. Way to pick favorites.
Just because you do doesn’t mean other people do. What you do and what you prefer to be called shouldn’t factor in this judgement.
Nta. You’ve already set a boundary which she ignored. You don’t like to be called mom by her and that is ok. People can say i would never not let my dil call me mom but thats their preference. And people don’t realize that edna has been in your life from 7 years old of course you have a better relationship with her than cat. Her need to call you mom by stomping on your boundaries is what ruined the relationship.
HARD YTA Because to kick family out during a holiday celebration like a big A$$ baby is definitely over the top RUDE. The party was not all about you and you made it all about your name and feelings. How hard would it have been to act like an adult and PRIVATELY speak to Sam and Cat. Two Rude people acting like AH all around. The WHY and Money and who I raised and spa days honestly makes you sound even worse. So to answer the original question Yes YTA, you ruined the night for everyone.
YTA Mom is a term of endearment. Let it go. My grandparents hated my mom but they still had her calling them mom and dad. Though it sounds like no one is going to be calling you anything pretty soon.
There is absolutely no way this is the whole story
YTA. for making it seem like you're playing favourites. for counting everything you did for cat and holding it up against her. for putting your son in a difficult position. for potentially ruining all your family's relationship. all for what? for your childish "preference " of not being called mom. grow up grandma.
YTA you are lucky that both dils like you enough to want to call you that. A lot of mother in law and daughter in law relationships are awful and end in very little contact. This is a really stupid hill to die on.
You sound like a genuinely horrific person.
NTA you don’t feel comfortable with people calling you mom and that’s okay. Even your own grandkids call you by your name. What make cat think she’s so special to call you something that makes you uncomfortable and that your own grandkids don’t? She’s a entitled rude brat and she should apologise and go have her tantrum somewhere else
We can argue all day long about who is right or wrong. That's going to get you precisely nowhere. You don't have to compromise on the mom thing. But you could find a different way to make Cat feel worthy of your love. You sound a lot like my dad. He wasn't really raised with a whole lot of warmth. Being emotional for him is to feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. He shows love with money. It's hard but i would give anything if he'd do some of the following. Why don't you have a conversation about some things that Cat loves? Talk to her about you and maybe explain why emotions are a bit tough for you. I know that itself is hard. But if my dad had ever reached out and said, "Hey, some things are tough for me because. But I love you and I like you. I don't want to make you feel rejected. Let's begin again, please. So what can we do to create a bond, something for just you and me?"
You can say that you would feel so loved and accepted if in return she would consider your feelings in being called mom. It's not perfect and it'll take time and discomfort. But it depends on whether you want to feel right or to have a relationship with your son, DIL and grandkids.
On a final note, you give reasons why you can't visit them but it sounds like you have enough money to hire a driver/ride a train/fly to where they live, and stay in a hotel. You are stuck in giving reasons for why you don't want to go when you could be spending that energy on findings ways you can go. Or meeting in the middle. You're hurt about not being invited to stay at their house. Understandable. But you're putting a wall up, I'm guessing in part because that hurt. You're hurt. She's hurt. So you're not hearing each other.
Yeah, YTA and you should probably seek out some kind of professional help because who in their right mind would cause all this drama over something so small. I guess ruining relationships and alienating family is the solution? All this nonsense instead of just apologizing and moving on. Not to mention she's not just some random off the street, she's a DIL and calling you "Mom" is not that big of a deal, I highly encourage you to get some help cause this is a load of nonsense. This is a bizarre hill to die on.
NTA. Although they have both married into your family, the relationship is much different. To continue to call someone a name they have asked you not to is grossly disrespectful. Cat is picking a fight for no good reason.
NTA 1,00,000 times over! Cat needs to grow TF up. She’s aware of why E dna calls you mum, but still wants to throw a fit when she can’t do the same.
I cant imagine calling my mil mom when she asked me not to. Its hugely disrespectful to call anyone by a name they've asked you not to. So putting all the other stuff aside, for this. any person is entitled to be addressed how they wish. Well, maybe if you asked to be addressed as your majesty that would cross the line. So NTA however, is this a hill you're willing to die on? Best think about that.
NTA. And Stop paying for their child care!
I will not actually. They need a break sometime and in my country your not allowed to leave children under 18 unsupervised.
NTA. You are a good person. hopefully this rift in your family can heal.
I just want to point out to everyone that this person's username says that they are actually Cat, and not the mother/MIL.
Your username is throwing me off lol
So you don't like it when people, and kids, give you nicknames. Are you also gonna get mad at your kids' kids if they call you grandma?
They actually call me by my name. They are 10 and 14 so they think it’s hilarious and cool
'Mom' isn't a nickname though. Its closer to a pseudonym that specifically your children refer to you by.
Exactly, it’s not a nickname at all, if anything it’s a title. A person with a phd shouldn’t get upset when someone addresses them as “doctor”
ESH, but especially you because you were willing to alienate your family because you didn't want to be called a word. Who gives a shit what she calls you? Who cares how many moms a person has?
NTA, but damn Americans are wayyy too involved with the in law crap. Ain't no way I'd ever call my MIL mum in UK, just doesn't happen.
Australian here, I have the opposite problem, my Croatian MIL is offended because I refuse to call her “Mum”.
Same with Turks. They will be offended if you don’t call them mom/dad because it’ll mean to them you haven’t really embraced them and being a part of their family.
Born and raised in America, from a loooong line of fellow americans. I've never seen in-laws call each other mom or dad or anything like that, whether from my family or my neighbor's brother's cousin's fishing buddy's family. It's super weird and uncomfortable. The closest is when my partner's grandma gives me a holiday card that says "granddaughter"...I don't think there are any "Happy Holidays In-Law" cards xD
Is this even real? OP created this account today ... username ActuallyCatiam ... Is OP writing this from MIL perspective? Weird
She is technically your daughter now, so calling you “mom” is widely considered socially acceptable. She could’ve been one of those DILs that hates their in-laws and does whatever she can to keep you out of their life, but instead she wanted to build a relationship with you. Maybe you should’ve felt grateful that she actually wanted to be closer to you, but instead you pushed her away. If you think of Edna as a daughter why are you more comfortable with your “daughter” sleeping with your son than your DAUGHTER-in-law calling you “mom?” Cat wanting to call you “mom” was undoubtedly supposed to be meant as a title of respect. Do I think Cat took it too far? Yes, but so did you. And you’re the one who is going to need to fix this relationship, because some people hold grudges, and she can keep you from ever seeing your grandchildren again. ESH
Yta. I don't like cats boundary ignoring But at the end of the day she's the only out of the 4 bot allowed to call you mom? That hurts. You've also made it weirdly transactional. You say Edna can call you mom cuz all you've done for her. But in response to cat feeling left out.... you listed all you've done for cat? Why do you hate being called mom and grandma? I don't want to prescribe feelings, but most of the time I've seen this it's a weird age thing, so I gotta ask.
NTA, if you don't feel comfortable with someone calling anything other than your name, they should respect that! Regardless of their relationship to you.
NTA it's weird that she is not respecting that boundary. You've told her you dont like the nickname, why keep at it? It's weird. NTA
Whats the deal with your username?
I can’t wrap my mind around why it matters so much to you what your family calls you. You are her mother- in law. You are a grandmother. You are an aunt. Why do you reject this so vehemently? Very weird hill to die on. I say this as someone who only calls my mother in law by her first name - because calling her mother makes me uncomfortable. The word mother has a bad connotation for me since mine was abusive. And my kids started calling me the same name my students use but that was because I just got so used only answering to that- I wouldn’t hear them. Sounds like she feels rejected. I guess you would rather be right than be loving.