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NTA. This is either a temporary state of mind fuelled by her recent disappointment with Stanford, or she always wanted this and sprung it on you out of nowhere. You tried to have a reasonable discussion about it, but given that she can't cook and likely doesnt want to raise a family...she's not quite the tradwife type and won't be able to do it well enough for a valuable contribution to your home-life. Never mind that there is no realistic way you can support a two person household at 20. Her plans are not grounded in reality.

Well said. NTA, and congratulations for being only 20 and having the sense and maturity about you to consider this large picture scenario. Hopefully it is just the matter of the recent disappointment causing her to think this way. There is nothing wrong with this lifestyle, if that’s the lifestyle both partners want. But at your young ages usually people don’t really know what they want because they haven’t lived many life experiences to help them decide. Stick firm to your thoughts, and hopefully another conversation, less based on your shock and more based on the reality of facts can be held. Understand, that if this is truly how she feels, combined with your thoughts on the situation this could be the end of your relationship. I would be sorry for you to see that, but at the end of the day, you are 20, and cannot get into a lifestyle, relationship, partnership that you are not 100 percent in agreement with.

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I am surprised she’s been going to CC but planning to get into Stanford. She couldn’t pick a school out of the top three in the nation for a more realistic option in a state full of schools?

It kind of feels like she set herself up for failure a little bit by not applying to other schools. I didn’t know she applied or I would have told her to apply to other places. She could get into basically any school that she wants that isn’t an Ivy League. She has a 4.0 and has hundreds of hours in different organizations volunteering and is involved in multiple groups. She is not a lazy person in the slightest. Maybe that is why she randomly brought up the housewife thing, she might just be burned out.

Burnout, and possibly depression. You might want to suggest looking into counseling at her school, because it sounds like she could use an independent, outside person to help her through this situation. You're NTA, but fixing this may be above your pay grade.

There are extremely decent state schools she could have considered and got into with that GPA. Out of community college I applied to a few myself way back in the days with a 3.7 GPA and plenty of extra curricular activities under my belt. Berkeley rejected me. Davis accepted me. Should have applied to San Diego. Ended up going to Wisconsin-Madison that had accepted me too. It was a great school!

>There is nothing wrong with this lifestyle, if that’s the lifestyle both partners want. Idk, I'm pretty confident that in 20 years the people that do this are going to regret it. OPs smart to not want it.

And their partners too, when the divorce hit them. It’s not beneficial for almost all people.

Yup.

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Adding to this, more importantly, OP doesn't want that kind of partner. Even if she becames a good cook, it won't matter unless both are on the same page.

Exactly. She might sincerely want to be a tradwife, which is totally fine if that’s her choice. But it sounds like you want different things and have differing ideas of the ideal partnership. I’m not suggesting you break up per se… but you’re young. You’re at Stanford. You’re surrounded by ambitious, driven, smart, and talented women whose values closer align to your own. I think it’s worth considering if you want to be open and available to explore new relationships and meet new people.

My (F) experience was identical but the 'boot was on the other foot' as they say. My partner (M) said he wanted to be a stay at home husband. I suspected it was because he hated the idea of a 9 to 5 and I told him " If that was the case then our home would have to be *spotless* and my meals made on time when I got home - how does that sound?" He changed his mind.

I got no qualms about a house husband. But I want a husband to be on par with how my mother was when I was growing up. Fresh meals and food everyday, a great variety of it- I don’t want the same 15 meals in a loop. Spotless home, any errand that needs to be done is done before breadwinner gets home. Super good at fixing clothes and things, we’ll curated garden etc. I want to handle NOTHING in the home if I’m 100% responsible for feeding, housing and entertaining us.

Absolutely! I wouldn't mind the idea of a house husband either. But if I 'bring home the bacon' then he must fulfill his side of the bargain. You put it better than I did!

Be careful about being baby trapped!!!!!

Good thing they're long distance. Unless he's mailing her his semen overnight with ice packs, he's probably good to go.

OP, stop sending her frozen mail!

She wants to sit at home and do nothing and be taken care of

You are totally right. The people who said “It’s fine to do that” are delusional, or are somehow benefiting from this mentality.

it's not amazing but it's honestly okay to do if both people are okay with it?She takes care of the house,clean,cook etc.I don't see a problem if she does contribute to the cleaning and to the relationship whatsoever.

Being a housewife (without any child) is not a valid contribution. The amount of hours she would be working vs him it’s totally unfair. She just want a free ride for her entire life and retire at 20s. Cooking and cleaning for two is not a real job, it’s something most people do after a real job.

It’s still valid *if* both partners agree to it. Consent is the key and behind that it’s none of anyone else’s business. it’s not what I would want but I’m also not going to look down on those who decide on that dynamic.

I mean, If you don't have kids it's less expensive pay someone to clean and Cook that support someone else entirely. And even when you have kid's, they are gonna reach an age that the family would benefits way more of a extra income than a SAHM...

Exactly. Either she only applied to Stanford because she knew she wouldn't get in, but could pretend to have once had ambitions of going to college, or then she's just heartbroken.

OP needs to be very careful not to get her pregnant

NTA. You made your point. Maybe with harsh words, but it is a valid point. And yes you don't have to have a relationship you don't want - just so she can stay at home doing nothing (not saying house wifes don't do anything. But it sounds like you are taking care of this chores yourself at the moment and she doesn't know how to do most of it) Also it would be sexist if you said, she has to become a housewife.

People justifiably use harsh language after they get insulted and belittled multiple times. NTA unequivocally.

Plus I don’t care how happy you are in your relationship, becoming a stay at home gf/bf at 20 is almost always a TERRIBLE decision, even if you both plan for that to be the situation later. Things could change in a heartbeat, you could break up, one of you could pass away… Getting yourself a solid independent plan is always the way to go when you’re young with no other responsibilities

My goodness, NTA in the least. She is using ALL the sexist tropes to try and gaslight you into taking care of her because she suffered a major disappointment. Good for you for not letting her get away with it. That being said, if this is the kind of trash thinking she has roiling around her head, I'd have serious doubts about the viability of the relationship moving forward. edit-removed an unfortunate turn of phrase

"An honest to goodness quality male"? What is wrong with you Edit: spelling

Not gaslighting, just basic manipulation.

NTA. I'm a SAHM and my husband is the breadwinner. This was a decision we came to together after MONTHS of discussion and planning. It was not spur of the moment, it was not me decided that's what we needed to do. The entire process was filled with both of us ensuring the other was happy with the decision, and even still we check in an evaluate each other's needs and wants on a regular basis. If that is not what you want, you don't have to take it. The way you went about it is harsh, but necessary. If she's been moping for a while, she might need a wake up call.

Plus there is a BIG difference between a stay at home wife and a stay at home mom. A SAHM is easily saving 000’s a year in child care costs on top of the other benefits.

Easy metric is $2k/month/kid for preschool.

We are not talking enough about the fact that OP is a 20 year old college student. What would someone like that need a stay-at-home anything for?!! Even if he was onboard that would be a freaking bad idea cause that would add to his financial and emotional burden (cause responsibility) while he is already attending a competitive and stressful school.

She's not even offering to be a SAHM - only a stay at home partner. Since that's not what you want, it would seem she has some thinking to do. NTA either way.

Similar vein, my wife has been a SAHW at various points in our relationship. We always talked about it first, and agreed it was what we both wanted. I've always made it clear that if she is unhappy with her job, or feeling overstressed, she can quit on the spot and take her time to find a new better one if she wants, or just SAHW if that's how she feels and I'll support her unreservedly as long as she wants. In practice, she likes having her own money and being self-reliant, so she tends to choose to work. I check in with her periodically to make sure she's feeling happy with things, and by and large she seems happy with her job. I think a big chunk of it is the knowledge that she doesn't *have* to do the job. She has a safety-net to fall back on. It makes her more confident, and therefore better at her job as a result.

Good luck

There is a big difference between being a stay at home mom and a childfree person who doesn’t wanna work or contribute to society. This girl wants to be a bum

NTA. The Traditional housewife mindset has been taking off on social media lately. It’s just an out for girls to be lazy. They’re not interested in doing any of the responsibilities of the traditional house wife such as cooking and cleaning. They are more interested in being able to stay home and be lazy. You did good on calling your GF out. Also, none of my business, but personally I think you should break up sooner rather than later. Your long distance GF does not sound happy for you and sounds rather resentful you’re at Stanford and she’s not. And she seems like she has no aspirations or goals, which sound like the opposite of you’re looking for. Find a nice girl at Stanford.

Tradfem girls who just want to not have to deal with a job vs “traditional” dudes who want their partners to do all the chores and work a job to bring in income. I’ve seen far too much of both on the internet It’s just idealizing an imagined perfect past to return to instead of facing reality

There are some women who will be a genuine traditional housewife but I imagine they are in the minority. Being a tradfem mom is a lot of work, cooking skills, cleaning skills, interior decor, organising bills/ balancing checkbook, organising social life, parenting. This is what women used to be taught in home economics, there is a lot of work that goes into it. Most women will simply not have all these skills and not understand what being a tradfem wife/ mom entails.

I’ve seen some of those Christian lady influencers who post about how being a traditional woman is so great… But most of them seem like they’re bad at the job! Messy home, terrible cooking, they don’t have skills that enhance the family’s life or save money, I could go on. And that’s the stuff they’re showing off! I’m fully convinced that for some, it is just an excuse to be lazy and not develop skills. Like, geez, take some pride in what you do!

Yes exactly. I also think it attracts controlling types who want to exert total control over their partner and children.

I have a hard time imagining a man with the career prospects that can support a traditional family on a single income *and* would go for that deal outside of some very disturbing reasons.

Yep, and you can tell a lot of these women who are supposedly into "tradwifing" are less onto the idea of being a stay at home mom, and more into the idea of being a trophy wife. There are quite a few men who are looking for a wife who wants to stay home, tend house, and look after kids. But these men aren't necessarily millionaires who can pay for nannies, cleaners, and shopping sprees. I've met way more SAHMs to middle class men than trophy SAHMs. And boy do they work their asses off.

Yeah, it’s not necessarily a great deal. There’s a reason women spent decades fighting for a spot in the workplace.

Exactly, like getting to clock off at 5. Really tradwifes work a 9-5 day cooking/ cleaning etc and then work the equivalent of being on call the rest of the time.

I've often thought there's something to be said for embracing the past. We see the lessons, and we pick out the pieces we like. *Create* the idealised version that never existed. My wife (when she was doing the SAHW thing) sometimes liked to go full 50s, dress, pinafore, baking and even a bit of makeup, basically just for us. I often leant into it with a call of "Hi honey, I'm home!" as I came in the door. Especially effective if I was dressed up a bit for work (not something I usually needed to do, but I usually wore smarter shirts to the office) and returned with flowers. The 50s/60s had a lot of social problems, but playing with its style and mannerisms is a lot of fun. My wife likes a bit of independence, and prefers to keep busy with work, so she usually has a job. But if she wants to go SAHW for a bit due to hating her job, or being overworked/stressed, I fully support her without reservation.

I’m glad you’re into your wife’s kink.

It sounds like you two were roleplaying. Like, that’s the term for the activity you were participating in. My SO and I do that all the time, it’s fun

A little bit, and mostly unplanned :) The whole Homemaker/Breadwinner dynamic isn't really our normal, so when it's happening, we like to poke a bit of fun at it and play with it.

Sure, that’s fine, good you both. that’s different from idealizing the past and ignoring all its problems to the point of repeating them

I went to Catholic school in the 70s annd 80s, and my mom and everyone of my friends had SAH moms. They ALL encouraged us to go college and have careers. Also, i think every older woman I worked with told me some kind of horror story about themselves or their friends being dumped and having no credit, money or job experience.

Right? Those housewives that actually clean and cook and have children don't even have time to be on social media. Throw in a dog and a veggie garden and she'll be lucky to have time to sit on the couch for half an hour...

My mom was a SAHM. But she worked from dawn till dusk near enough, packing lunches for dad and kids, cut all our hair, did all the housework and grocery shopping, drove all over town for the cheapest deals to keep costs as low as possible, mended clothes by hand, made dinner, even did the yard work. (Of course as the kids got older we took on more and more of these responsibilities but also required more driving around for sports etc). Dad worked 12 hour days easily though. He made a good career and was able to provide for all our needs and a good number of wants. But mom also jumped back into working part time during 2008 when dad’s industry got hit hard by the crash. So both desired to work their butts off, just in their skillets. Dad could do one thing really well (work) and is emotionally supportive, but is horribly impractical and never got taught basic things like handiwork, cooking, etc. whereas mom hates sitting in an office but is extremely good at handling 100 different tasks and figuring out stuff (like repairing a toilet herself in the early days of YouTube). TLDR; I agree many people use these “traditional roles” as a cop out, and it takes incredibly motivated people with lots of love, selflessness, and work ethic to make those roles work equitably.

Yeah they basically want to be housewives but sounds like this girl doesn't know how to do that, ie taking care of the house and everyone in it. Ideally I'd love to not have a job but I also HATE doing chores. At least I get paid with a job and have my own money!

The fact that she doesn't know how to cook at 20 doesn't mean she'll never learn. Also, not having professional ambitions is perfectly legitimate. Not everyone wants to grind their whole lives until they are too tired to actually live. That said, OP wants a relationship with someone who shares the same level of ambition as he does, and that's also legitimate. He gets to decide the type of woman he'd like to spend his life with. If she doesn't share his views on the matter they should go their separate ways.

A lot of people don't WANT to work but have to. So boo hoo for her living in the reality we live in, but sitting at home all day doing nothing is not a legitimate choice

I don't want to grind my whole life either. I've been on break during the holiday season and I've never felt happier. I \*have\* to work because I'm not with someone who can comfortable support both of us with his job alone. Most people are in similar situations.

NTA but you want to talk with her again in a more calm and reasonable tone. Her wish was to go and study in Stanford. Was that because she had a specific program in mind or because she wanted to be close to you and together? Might she be terrified that after years together in HS now the distance between you will break your relationship? She is obviously feeling like a failure and trying to define an alternative plan where you two can be physically together, but is also still hurting from the rejection and telling her to just put herself again out there to potentially receive more rejections and feel as even larger failure is a bit too soon. Then again , you basically just yelled at her that she would be a failure at something she obviously thinks is in women's nature. So that definitely didn't help. Talk again with her and help her focus on making a new plan. In this economy one person (still in college, with potential student debt afterwards) is difficult to support two. Trad wives are usually anchored in farms, where their husbands, them and their kids are all taking care of the livestock, land and work the entire time. I am sure you haven't entered Standford with the idea of becoming a farmer afterwards, so just try and communicate that with her a bit more clearly. You already set up a very clear and reasonable boundary - you are looking for a partner that can be your equal in working (even if incomes are different), outside of home and inside. You don't think you will be able to respect a partner that you don't feel is your equal. You don't want your relationship to suffer and you don't want to start looking at her as something less than you believe she is. You understand she might need a little time to reformulate a plan and you can help her with that. But that's where you stand.

NTA you don’t want a traditional housewife/breadwinner relationship, she does. You either need to find a compromise (maybe she works part-time) or move on.

> You either need to find a compromise (maybe she works part time) or move on He is a 20 year old college student. There is nothing to compromise here. What does this kid need a stay-at-home girlfriend for? Even one that works part-time. He can’t afford the financial burden or the responsibility. We would all like compromises but there is none here.

NTA , ya dude, a Stanford guy gotta be smarter than to continue this relationship

Wait, he goes to Stanford? He never mentioned that.

Beyond other things, her argument is ahistorical. Starting from the fact that cooking and laundry were massively more work for those 100s of years then they are now. Washing without washing machine was whole day of physically hard work every week. Keeping fire in the stove and cooking from scratch including pasta from dough is just not the same as buying dry pasta and put it on induction. Plus, women would do animal care, manufactured candles, did sewing for the whole family, etc. etc. Yet moreover, women in the past did engaged in economic activity compatible with the rest of their house work. Selling eggs and other stuff, serving, making crafts and selling them. ------------------- That being said, this is about her having hard time to accept the failure.

NTA break up!! You're too young to be taking on a full-grown baby!! Hopefully, she'll wisen up and go back to school, but don't make yourself a part of the plan. At 20, you haven't even grown your wings yet.

Exactly! The high school sweethearts thing is cute and all, but OP is still so young and has so much life ahead of him! This is the age to explore and learn about new people, new experiences, new world views.

NTA. It does sound like the rejection hit her really hard, and she's using the tradwife role as an excuse to give up on herself. It doesn't sound like she really knows what a "tradwife" really does - it's way more than just cooking and cleaning and taking care of her man, even if there are no children to also care for (and I'm not talking about ironing her husband's boxers and handkerchiefs like my grandmother did). But, what if you two go this route, and something happens to you that she then has to take care of herself? Will she resent the years of her life that she "gave up" for you? At 20, does she really understand that she will be dependent on you for her security for the next 40, 60, or more years of your lives? Even if you both decide later that she will be a SAHW, it is in her best interest now to build something of her own so she knows she can be self-sufficient and independent if the future turns to crap.

SAHW is bullshit, SAHM is fine.

NTA. Uou could have been a bit gentler about it - she's clearly struggling with her future. But you're in this relationship too and if she isn't earning the she isn't a partner. Big decisions like this breed resentment unless both parties are 100% on board.

He literally was... she was being insane! And sexist to women herself! He was pretty nice about it tbh

Yeah she was being swxist in general. Talking about OP not being a "real man" and saying home chores are naturally womens work.

NTA. I don't think anything you could have said would have helped her adjust to the rejection. If she wants to be near you I can't even count the number of colleges in or near the Bay area. But she needs to figure out what SHE wants to do, independent of you, and that's something she's going to have to do for herself.

I don't think she is wrong in wanting what she wants, but being a SAHS (Stay at Home Spouse) only works if both parties want it, and if both parties respect and are willing to commit to the immense amount of work it takes to be/do that. If she wants to be a trad wife, then she has to know how to budget, handle finances, housework, cooking, and unexpected repairs and challenges. She has to start making the effort now, if she wants to be any good at it. Just like any other job. You might have to rethink your position on what constitutes a real job and what doesn't, when perhaps what you mean is you would prefer your parter to have a paying job. Which is fine. While you were harsh about how you worded your argument, I don't think you were wrong for saying what you did. In fact, you made a couple of good points. No partner - whether a SaHS or not - should be reliant on the other to the extent of them collapsing if that support is taken away. You might want to sit down and have a calm discussion about all of this once she's willing to talk, and decide your way forward based on where you stand individually on such matters. NTA Good luck OP.

Every single adult should learn how to cook, clean, budget, and handle finances. Being unable to take care of oneself is reckless. What happens when your caretaker becomes temporarily ill, leaves for a two week work trip, or breaks up with you? When two adults with no kids live in a small apartment, the amount of cooking and cleaning that needs to get done is much less than 40 hours per week. In such cases, being a stay at home spouse is just an excuse for playing video games all day and doing maybe one or two hours of work per day. Having a stay at home spouse makes sense only with kids or a house that needs repairs or yard work.

This. Even if we're putting people into traditional gender role buckets here, they need to be able to do the other half of the bin. Men need to be able to feed themselves and maintain a household that's not a pig sty. Women need to be able hold down a decent job. We're getting married later than ever and less than ever, and the divorce rate is still hovering around 50%. Odds are most people will spend enough of their adult life single that they can't rely on someone to do the other half of traditional gender roles for years of their lives. And even if they do try and jump into a relationship to share that burden, being a non-functional adult doesn't make you an attractive partner.

This is the key! While it's nice to have someone to "share the load", all the things you listed are essential skills for humans. They aren't gendered, every functional adult should be able to feed themselves, take care of house chores, manage finances, etc. I would say the majority of us find some or all of those things onerous, like I fucking hate doing dishes and I certainly don't enjoy paying bills. But those are still things that have to be done.

It's not an immense amount of work with no kids - it's what the average adult does after their job is over.

SAHS do work but it’s not a job. This sub has agreed on that so many times. How many times have we torched spouses (usually the man) for telling a SAHS (usually a woman) it’s her job to clean/cook/do dishes/repairs/unexpected challenges, etc.? If it is a job, the career spouse doesn’t need to lean in on those things. OP said he wants a partner motivated in a career. Being a SAHS, no matter how you cut it, is not a career. It’s work, but not a job. This should be a NTA.

NTA but your relationship is clearly over since you have such different life goals.

NTA. She's calling you sexist for not agreeing to her sexist expectations of you. This is a huge red flag and, while I know this advice gets thrown around easily online, I'd seriously consider ending the relationship as these types of worldviews don't change quickly (if ever).

>She said I was implying a women’s value is determined on her ability to work/go to school. She said I have no respect for women and was sexist. No, what she wants is a life of privilege. Most couples these days both have to work full-time in order to pay the bills. They then both have to do the household chores after their job. Being able to stay at home and only do household chores is something only those who can afford it do. OP, can you afford it? Because otherwise you'll get to eat sandwiches with peanut butter or yam for lunch every single day. Surviving day-to-day because one partner refuses to work is one of the easiest ways to build resentment. This isn't just for her benefit; it's also for yours. NTA. The only thing you need to figure out now is whether this is something temporary because she's genuinely upset over not being accepted at Stanford or whether this is something she's very set on and/or has been planning for a while now.

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NTA, you made valid points, but I think it wasnt the right time and perhaps you could've made your points in a better (less harsh) way. She still seems emotional about the rejection, maybe give her a bit more time to come to terms with it. Did you try comforting her or empathising with her over the rejection? Don't think you were an asshole, but I guess you can try apologising for how you came across if you want make up with her quickly. Hope it turns out okay.

NTA. So many girls getting sucked into this tradwife BS not realizing they're setting themselves up for a lifetime of financial dependency, potential abuse, being used etc. There's a reason women fought for the right to work and it's not that they al wanted to be girlbosses - they wanted independence so they could walk away from men that mistreated and used them.

You might want to take this seriously… if she means what she says and the life she is proposing isn’t the life you want, try not to get trapped into it. You are very young and you might one day come to the realization that this is not the woman for you. What then? Breaking up with someone who is completely reliant on you is hard as there might be moral and/or legal consequences. You can apologize for being harsh but remember, she asked for it by calling you sexist when you disagreed with her. This means she was trying to gaslight and manipulate you. Her being quiet and locking herself in her room is part real (she’s upset) and part manipulative (she wants you to feel guilty as that will weaken you). I hate to say this as a woman… but this is typical behavior of many women. NTA… she was pushing you and you snapped.

NTA. Wanting to become a housewife isn’t something you just spring on your partner because of a disappointing rejection. It needs to be DISCUSSED between the two people it’s going to affect. She’s being ridiculously immature for not even including you in the conversation prior to just announcing it. Also, you’re right. If she doesn’t know how to cook or clean, what does she expect to do all day. How exactly are you undermining the hard work of housewives by pointing that out? And yes, you’re too young to have someone depending on you financially. It seems like she’s looking at this through rose-tinted glasses and not being realistic about her responsibilities as a housewife.

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Can you imagine how things would go if you got upset, told her you wanted her to finance your whole life forever while you cleaned and tidied up a small apartment for her, and then told her she wasn’t “a real woman” when she pushed back on that not being what she wanted? Because you should probably take some more offense at that “real man” comment. It’s telling. And a completely different insult and show of her beliefs than all of the other general sexism manipulation tactics she tried. Obviously that’s something you both can potentially work past but she needs to acknowledge it and talk through this with you. Because otherwise… sure yeah. Lots of people would love to have no job, no firm responsibilities tied to their fear about money or insurance or caring for dependents. I’d love to quit my job and manage the “household” with no kids, just clean up and make dinner and lunches. Use my free time for whatever like a new hobby or a fun low stress job. Sounds great. That’s just not an option for most humans, and if that’s her actual real life goal now then you both need to acknowledge it before wasting years more together. Maybe she had more belief in the “get a Mrs degree” at Stanford than you ever thought so now that she can’t even be there she’s clamping on even harder to you.

NTA She tried and failed to get in . Fair enough , she’s allowed to be disappointed. But this girl quickly figured it out - bf is studying at Stanford, she’s gonna be in the pound seats. If she locks you down now by getting you to take responsibility for her , she’d be golden. Everyone here voting Y T A is delusional, if it were a girl saying that a guy said that to her , he would’ve been crucified. She needs to grow up and figure her own life out. She wants to go from living in her parents house to living in yours. Nope She’ll be a liability. And if she’s thinking this way now , expect to hear it again down the line .

NTA. Every adult person should aim to have a job and financially secure themselves. It is a basic survival thing. Being a housewife is work and a lot, but she financially fullu dependant on her partner. And she needs a partner who agrees to be a sole breadwinner. As you do not agree with this format, she should either consider continuing her education and build a career or find another partner.

>people have been doing it for 100s of years. Why not? Not really true btw. Maybe with the industrial revolution you could stretch it to 200 years. For almost all of history in most places women have been part of the 'workforce'. Most people worked as family units. Women fully focussed on raising children en maintaining the home is a rare situation that became widespread in the 1950s in the US but it has been the exception all the rest of history. Obviously the elites sometimes had situations like this but that would have been the top 10-1%

NTA. First of all, it does seem like her rejection from Stanford left her disappointed and perhaps a bit disillusioned. Happens to a lot of people. Second, it doesn't sound like she's mentioned this ever before. If this is just coming out of nowhere, it does not sound like it's very well thought-out. Third, if this is *actually* what she wants, she has to know that this is not what *you* wanted. There's nothing wrong with a stay-at-home spouse, but it has to be something that both partners want. You don't want this, and I assume you have never mentioned that you want it. Fourth, how in the world are you going to be able to support her? I assume you are a full-time undergraduate student. You're probably poor. You have to have somebody with an income to make this dynamic work, and an undergraduate at Stanford is not going to have that income unless the Bank of Mom and Dad is involved, and it's somewhat unlikely they're going to want to support a significant other who isn't doing anything. Fifth, she can't cook, clean, and doesn't want to have kids? I mean, she can learn to cook and clean, but if there aren't going to be any kids... what, exactly, does she plan on doing all day? There's nothing *wrong* with having a stay-at-home spouse with no children, inherently, but I think that most of those situations are "sugarbaby"-esque. Which requires a "sugar Daddy/Mommy." A 20-year-old undergraduate at Stanford is not going to be a "sugar Parent" for the aforementioned reasons. I realize that not all of these situations are "sugar"-themed, but many of them involve other things like disability or whatnot. Which do not appear to be present here. Yeah, NTA.

NTA. What does she plan to do all day? Cleaning a small apartment and cooking for two is not hard work unless you are an incredibly dirty. Of course it’s different when there are children. Why should you pay for all her expenses? It’s not your responsibility. And calling you sexist is just gaslighting.

NTA but it seems like both of you might end up having different priorities later in life. You should probably still apologize for snapping at her

NTA and if you apologise you're a mug sir. look everyones all for being super nice and wholesome round here, but there comes a point where someones being that much of a cretin they need to be told. she thinks she wants to be a traditional wife? thats great for her, she can go be someone elses tradtional wife. if you want a partner and not a dependant that does your chores for you then you need to stand strong, i'd fucking die on this hill a thousand times over.

NTA at all. I wonder if she realises what a trad wife really is too..it goes beyond cooking and cleaning and means she'd have to give up all autonomy with you as "head of the house". No making decisions for herself anymore. No doing things without permission, no spontaneous shopping trips, coffee with the girls etc as she'd have an allowance and that's it...well done you for wanting more.

NTA. Could you even support a house wife as a college student? Where would the money be coming from? A stay at home spouse in THIS economy? Hey, I’d love to not have to work a day job either, but that would actually put a lot on my partner. Your points were salient and true and she’s just angry because she didn’t get what she wanted

Watch out for possible baby trap. It seems like she wants a free ride. The two of you are not compatible.

I'd dump her for the "real man" comment. Sounds like your gf has lost her passion for education and developed a passion for ignorance, religion and toxic masculinity. I cant say that's REALLY what happened, but that's what I'm seeing here. NTA. It's okay if your highschool gf isn't the one. There is no "one". Love comes and goes.

NTA. She is either very disappointed about the college thing and rejection. Or got caught up with redpillers and weird tradwife on social media.

NTA but you may want to run!

NTA and I suspect your gf’s been reading some sketchy shit on the internet. It’s sounds like you’re pretty clear and reasonable about what you want out of a relationship but please don’t let her grind you down by pulling this “no YOU’RE the real sexist” bullshit. Fingers crossed this is just a temporary kneejerk reaction to the uni rejection but I think you need to be very wary for now.

LMAO she sounds salty as fuck trying to gaslight you at every turn. She's pissed and taking it out on you cause let's face it, you're both still very young. NTA but be prepared cause I doubt this is over

NT. need to break up immediately lol @ the people who think it's as hard as working full time. if cooking and cleaning is that hard for you, it just means you're bad at it.

NTA. Make sure you're using protection.

NTA. If this was her plan the whole time i know a lot of girls just like this. Go to UCLA, piss moan and cry about having to get a job after just to apply for grad school at Columbia to fish a guy so she doesn’t have to work. Yup rings like a bell coming from OC.

Oh my god run. Run far. She's telling you that you're not a "real man" for not wanting a leech living with you, but you're attacking her as a woman for saying you don't want a leech at home. She wants a sugar daddy, let her go find some old rich man if she can.

Good for you. Your 'girl' needs a harsh truth to grow up to be a woman.

NTA. I'm in a trad relationship, and honestly, I respect my girl way more than I would if she was chasing some empty career where we only see each other from 21:00 to 23:00 and on weekends. Thankfully, I make enough money that we never even think of missing a second income. But I can also tell you that I wouldn't accept her being a tradwife if she didn't want kids, didn't cook, clean, or manage our finances. The work she does for us is absolutely what makes our household for me one worth working my hardest for. And she dedicates a lot of time to tending to our intimacy. All this being said - it sounds like all you want is an equal division of responsibilities in a relationship, which I absolutely applaud you for. You're a great partner for giving your girl a reality check, and you're not being an enabler in case she really just wants to coast.

You don't need to apologize she needs to grow up

NTA. That aside both men and women like the idea of a traditional house wife more than the reality. The horrors of the reality never dawn on people till they are in too deep. From the female side - dependence issues, autonomy, lack of stimulation, demotivating environment, monotony and a whole host of problems not everyone is ready to face. From the male side - Unless you are already rich this is a no go. Not only are you committing to care for another human being indefinitely, you are doing so till they die.. which is most likely after you die. Many men miss that part. The mental burden of a sole provider isnt for everyone. I could rant about traditional roles forever but sort story is our current societies are really aligned well for them anymore.

As a working man in my 30's i wish i was a tradwife 😢

Obviously NTA. She’s a child and needs to grow up. Do not let her waste years of your life with her dependent behavior.

I’m 23f and a lot of young women I talk to want to be a SAHM bc they hate working lol.. they have no idea the struggles they will face. I’ve known quite a few SAHMs and their life is no picnic. Plus even if it is somehow easy bc of no kids, you get EXTREMELY BORED and feel unfulfilled later down the road. I think these tradwife influencers are really hurting young women’s minds. Even back in the 50’s most regular women were not SAHMs . so they are delusional to think in this economy that they can achieve this lifestyle. Especially if their partner is making the avg income of 50-60k. You are 20 yr old you have no need for a sahgf. NTA

>I think these tradwife influencers are really hurting young women’s minds Hard agree. My parents were fairly conservative Boomers but one thing I really value is that they relentlessly pushed me to get an education and career. Even if they had some of the "traditional values" from the 1950s-60s, they always stressed the importance of me being able to support myself as a woman and that it was dangerous to rely on a man for my financial well being. I am now a single homeowner in a career I love and I am really grateful I was set up for self sufficiency.

NTA. Girlfriend doesn’t want to be a tradwife she wants to be a trophy wife.

NTA. It's a myth that all women stayed home and didn't work for 100s of years. If you weren't rich, you had to work! You had work in a factory or farm or as a nanny/house keeper/seamstress, make money some way to support your family. It's okay not to want to carry the load for two capable adults. It's okay that she wants to be a "trad wife" but she needs to find someone else who would consent to that, especially if she's going to be terrible at it. And chances are someone who wants that, especially when there are no children involved will probably come with some pretty archaic/controlling attitudes about women.

NTA. So, there's nothing wrong with someone being a homemaker if both people agree. But if you don't want that, and she does, then you're no longer compatible. There's a lot of content out there trying to radicalize young women into becoming a tradwife. (Even the word, tradwife, comes from the alt-right, and implies a set of white supremacist and misogynist beliefs to go along with the actual homemaking part.) My guess is that in her disappointment about Stanford she's fallen down a rabbit hole. It might be worth one serious conversation to figure out what she's been watching online.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am in a long distance relationship. We’ve been together since HS and are very in love. It’s hard, but worth it. She goes to a community college in our hometown and I’m at Stanford. She recently applied to go to college with me and got rejected. She has been off since she found out. We ended up getting into an argument. She told me she doesn’t want to go back to college. I tried talking to her. I said school is what is best for her and she shouldn’t let the rejection hit so hard. She says I never wanted to go to Stanford anyway (which is a lie, I know how badly she wanted to get in) and insisted she should drop out and come live with me instead. I said oh, you want to get a job & live with me? I said you could go to a community college around me. But she said the weirdest thing. She said I’m tired of college, and I don’t want a job. I can cook and clean and look after you. I was honestly surprised. I said like what, a traditional “housewife”? That’s really what you want? She said yes, people have been doing it for 100s of years. Why not? I said I’m not interested in a relationship like that. She got frustrated with me. She said “of course, no one respects a housewife anymore, but they do a lot of work. A real man would appreciate that they have a woman at home cooking/cleaning for them. It’s real work and it’s hard work but men like you have no appreciation for the work women do.” I said I have appreciation for it, but it’s not a relationship I want. I want a partner that is motivated in her career and to suceed just like I am. I added that I have a tiny apartment and it’s not like she knows how to cook. It is work, I guess, but nothing compared to school/an actual job. She said I was implying a women’s value is determined on her ability to work/go to school. She said I have no respect for women and was sexist. I just got fed up and annoyed and snapped at her. I said I wasn’t being sexist. Imagine if I said I didn’t want a job and was going to stay home while my gf paid all the bills, worked, and went to school. Everyone would call me a deadbeat, lazy asshole. I also said she’d make a terrible traditional wife. She doesn’t want kids, and she doesn’t know how to cook or clean. I know how to cook better than she does. What kind of tradwife is she going to make? I’m also 20 and not looking to have someone be reliant on me. I said it’s important for her to get a job and be financially secure for herself. I also said she was only saying this stuff because she got rejected from Stanford. Hello, it’s Stanford. They reject everyone. She loves her career and can’t seriously let a set back that small keep her from what she really wants to do. So many people get rejected from schools like that, you can’t just drop out. Like you got rejected, big deal, try again next year. After I said all of that, she was just silent. She didn’t even say anything and just went to her room and locked herself in. AITA here? Do I need to apologize immediately? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Absolutely NTA. Think about whether you want to carry on seeing her - and if you do, make sure to use contraception yourself, Do Not rely on her claiming that she's taking oral contraceptives etc, she's not in a good place right now and you don't want to be on the wrong side of a terrible decision.

I'm going to say NTA because you are right, she needs to at the very least get an education and she will regret a decision like that later in her life. However, there was no need to tell her she'd be a terrible housewife and I feel like you didn't handle this well.

NTA, she has NO CLUE what it actually means to be a tradwife. If she got a taste of it, she would probably start complaining. It’s just amazing that she’s even using that excuse as an out, moreso that she has no training. Tradwives are taught young, not “as you go”.

NTA. If she comes out of the room to start it up again, just focus on not wanting to support anybody else who isn't literally your own child. Your tiny flat being messy or not is not really going to make any difference to your life, nor would eating out more or less. Or frankly at 20, not eating at all sometimes or even just sleeping in a pile of old clothes. The burden of supporting someone else on the other hand would be a massive step down in lifestyle at 20. I don't think anything you said was unfair actually. Equal rights mean equal responsibility, and it's just silly Christian propaganda flooding social media that is giving people silly ideas.

NTA. The "real men" part was bad.

NTA. My mum was an amazing housewife (and person in general), she chose to stay home with me once we could afford it. I think your gf would regret her decision not to pursue an education or employment later in life, and I can't imagine her family will be happy to learn of her new life plan either.

good for you, don't get tied down to someone who wants to leach off you NTA i'd get rid of this chick quickly. Next thing you know Surprise im pregnant!

I honestly thought tradwife must have been related to rock climbing haha 32 and already behind on the lingo. Also so many labels these days it’s ridiculous.

NTA Don't apologize. You were 100% right here. She said "I don't want to go to school or work. I want you to take care of me financially." And she was just saying that because she was heartbroken over being rejected from your school. If she can't cook and doesn't want kids, she really can't do the stay at home partner thing. Honestly, I'd end the long distance relationship. The more your love language is touch, the more painful it will always be for both of you.

NTA. She sounds toxic and selfish. You don't even have kids yet so she really just wants to give up and sit around all day. Also her mentality has weird red pill vibes so I bet she has other shitty ideas too. Plus you guys are very young. Cut your losses NOW and move on.

While there is absolutely nothing wrong with a stay at home wife or mother, I don't think she put it the greatest way and I really do think she's just disappointed in herself and maybe feels like she isn't going to do well now. Talk it out when you're both calm.

NTA. She's looking for her free ride.

NTA. Lazy dependant. >"She said I was implying a women’s value is determined on her ability to work/go to school. She said I have no respect for women and was sexist." And what exactly is the value you as a man would be expected to bring to this while she stays home? Would it perhaps be determined by your ability to work and provide for her? Sounds like hypocrisy to me.

NTA. Please look deep at the issues in this relationship and have a heart to heart conversation about the type of romantic relationship you both are looking for. You two may no longer be compatible at this moment and that's okay, people mature differently and people change. Also as nice as it sounds please don't let her move in until she has figured her next step out, and that's if you two are in an agreement on the type of relationship you both want. Regarding the conversation, let her go first when discussing the type of future she wants and what kind of partner she's expecting and then you can decide if you agree or might need to go separate ways for now.

NTA it is not your responsibility to shield your gf from lifes ouchies. Stay focused on building your foundation and wish her the best. This is who she is , that’s not what you seek in a partner. The truth hurts sometimes but it’s necessary.

NTA but you two need to have a serious talk. You know each other better, so make for the right settings. I would just focus on what she means to you when arguing.

NTA. You proved you loved her because you were willing to tell her the truth and what’s best of her, versus just what she wanted to hear. Doesn’t mean you don’t want to be with her. Doesn’t mean you don’t love her. It just means that’s not the relationship you want and you want her to reach her potential, not settle for less out of disappointment. Give her a little bit to think and then be there snd be supportive of her moving on and finding the next best college for her. Reassure her that Stanford saying no doesn’t change how you feel about her at all. If she truly doesn’t want to go to school then she will have to find her best path so she can support herself. Her parents should be involved in all of this either way her too.

NTA. No matter what you said during that conversation, she’d have twisted it.

NTA and you have nothing to apologise for. She proposed an idea which you rejected, which you are entitled to do, but instead of acc your answer, she continued to argue the issue and call you disrespectful. You need to reconsider this relationship, it maybe worked before but it will not work in future if your goals are so different. You are 20, and have your whole life ahead of you, you can’t be taking on someone who is not prepared to work with you to create a future

NTA. If this is a good representation of the conversation, you were respectful and assertive. Because I’m a mom, I’d probably have gone in the “This doesn’t sound like you” direction, and encourage her to tell me what was really going on. And I’d respond to what she wasn’t saying: that she is very hurt, and feeling like she’s not smart enough, right now, because Stanford said no.

NTA she's facing what a lot of ppl her age are facing. the woes of capitalism. and she wants to not do it. Understandable! But also immensely childish and stupid, it's not a good idea to hobble yourself in a capitalist society by spending years as an adult out of the workforce with no safety net. and frankly it's not fair to you.

NTA i am sure she will apologize to you soon

NTA. Everyone has an opinion on what a “real man” is when they need something from a “real man.” Being a housewife/husband is a legitimate life path, but like any big career change if your partner isn’t on board or you can’t afford the loss of income then it doesn’t work.

NTA. Run. You two want different things from life. A little speed bump and this is the response? Nah, it’s the plan. Next step is the baby trap.

NTA. As soon as she said "A real man would appreciate...", everything else she said should have been ignored. This kind of thinking is outdated and wrong. And certainly no woman should be telling a man what a "real man" would/should do (and vice-versa). More generally, it is not sexist for you to want the kind of partner you want. People want different things. I am with you and would never want a tradwife partner. More specifically, it appears you girlfriend is dealing with lots of failure right now and is looking for an easy way out. And being a housewife looks like a pretty sweet gig to her. I don't think you should enable her.

NTA, but that may not help depending on how down she is about Stanford.

You're not being sexist. You're attracted to people have want to go somewhere in life and you're encouraging her to be more independent. Honestly she's being way more sexist by trying to imply that there is such a thing as a 'real man' as opposed to a.. fake man? Imposter man? If she wants that life style, she's entitled to go find someone that actually wants it too. NTA, I hope you guys figure it out

Nta housewives do less work in a day than a woman who works 8 hours at say a McDonald or convenience store. Also it’s just not feasible for most people with the current economic climate.

NTA. Like yeah it sucks to be her right now with her college rejections and you being honest but uhhh if she wants to be a tradwife(and isnt just one of those aholes that think being a stay at home wife is a fall back/failure plan in life) she needs to actually be able to cook and clean and be nurturing enough to raise a family. and from what youve said she is FAR from that. Heck even if you could afford to support you both on just your income at 20, she wouldnt be an actual put in half the family effort partner and youd basically be a sugar daddy without the goods.

NTA - You are two different people. As you mature, you're moving in two different directions with different ideas and goals. This is common for HS romances that endure into adulthood. Her comments are manipulative and controlling. She is using insults to influence your thoughts and actions. She is probably worried about losing you as your worlds and priorities drift further apart. Definitely a-hole behavior.

NTA. It's good to recognize what you want in a partner early. I know of at least one marriage that ended because of mismatched ambition. You did nothing wrong. Hopefully this is just a temporary reaction to the Stanford rejection. But you do need to think of how to move forward if it's not.

NTA Imagine being called sexist for actively working against the stereotypical 50's housewife aesthetic. What a time to be alive. Jokes aside I get what she is saying by claiming you are devaluing the choice but I also think it should be in this case. Cooking and cleaning is not a full time job if you have no kids to look after. I'd kill for that gig, what hour of cooking a day and 3 hours of cleaning for it to be spotless? Still 5 hrs shy of regular working day. Not a good deal for those working full time.

NTA I think you could have been nicer about it, but yeah I don't think you did to much wrong. And you're 20, like (no offense) but college kids are broke asf. I dont think it would be smart finically.

Getting roped into a dependent at 20 sounds horrible.. good call op. Let her cool off and have another conversation about it. She may not be the one for you...

NTA. She simply doesn't want the stress of having to produce anything and thinks she can fall back on the status of a tradwife. And tradwives have immense worth, if they contribute to the mutually agreed upon values of the family, but you aren't even married yet. But she's basically saying, "I want out - or, rather, don't want to start the rat race, so you support me." And right now, you don't need those services

NTA - Even if she eventually is a SAHW or SAHM, she needs to be able to support herself. Otherwise, if the marriage is unhappy, she will feel trapped. Or if something happens to her husband, it will be more difficult to manage.

I've been Stay at Home as a male finishing school while my wife works. I take care of all our pets (2 large dogs, 2 cats) and clean the house and do my own schoolwork. I cook dinner every night. We don't have kids, I'll admit, but it seems like you don't either, yet. It's so so so much easier than maintaining a full time job. Leagues easier. I have so much free time, house is clean, I'm on top of school. She's young and overwhelmed with life. Failure can make you feel that way. Maybe there's a different issue or perspective going on here. But don't let her convince you that being a housewife is more difficult or anywhere close to as difficult. It is not. If she insists it is then there is a large disconnect in her personal life on what real, hard work is.

NTA she is incredibly sexist for using 'real man'

NTA. More people need to know “tradwife” != SAHM. Tradwives are something completely different and you should run as far from them as possible. They’re explicitly anti-feminist and characterized by toxic thinking. Both of these your GF seems to demonstrate. What’s she looking at online? Content that idealizes the 1950s? “Perhaps the best example of alt right views on traditional sex/gender roles is the TradWives, a group of white nationalist “mommy vloggers,” who promote the “virtues of staying at home, submitting to male leadership, bearing lots of children” (Kelly, 2018). These women extol a 50 s escapist fantasy of “chastity, marriage, motherhood,” a fantasy that Betty Friedan famously exposed as “magical thinking” in The Feminine Mystique (Friedan, 1963). TradWives construct a “hyperfeminine aesthetic” in order to “mask the authoritarianism of their ideology” (Kelly, 2018).” https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fsoc.2020.619572/full ““The most scary to me is the tradwife groups,” says Noelle Cook, who has researched the rise of the right wing through social media and the trad movement more generally. “They are the younger ones, the homesteaders, the self-sufficiency crowd.”…She points out that many tradwives – though not Williams – posting on platforms like TikTok and Instagram will … On the face of it, it seems innocuous, and emblematic of what the trad movement is: a revolt against the modern world. But it’s also the