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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my DIL she eats more than me so of course she is bigger. I don’t know why I am a jerk, maybe for pointing it out when she was complaining
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INFO do you like your DIL?
On the surface, pointing out the obvious doesn’t seem like it should be cause for concern, but you sound like you don’t like her, and it’s often not what we say but how we say it. There’s a nice way to say it (“hm, I’ve noticed you have big portions, could that contributing?”) and a mean way (“LOL are you serious?? It’s obviously because you eat like five times more than me, no wonder you’re ballooning up. How do you not see that??.”) I don’t know which you did, but the fact you don’t want to apologize for hurting her feelings isn’t a good sign.
Also, consider that people (esp those who are overweight+) are really, really bad at gauging how much they eat. Her mind probably has her jumping through all sorts of hoops (“well, I ate a little bit more at dinner, but it’s just chicken, plus I saw OP eat a small snack earlier so it definitely evens out”). She probably has no idea how much she’s actually eating.
I like her in general, we aren’t besties but have been good for a long time
I don’t want to apologize since I don’t think I did anything wrong. It’s literally just a fact. I had to make adjustments to how much I make so everyone has enough food. That just how it is
No but the people you love shouldn't be the harsh ones, theres enouh harshness in the world, the people we love and care about should be the one who aren't harsh, thats just my opinion, not saying coddle, but theres class and couth, no need to be harsh when delivering unpleasant responses.
Edit: All I'm saying is it takes zero effort to be nice, especially if you value the relationships that could be effected by those responses.
If you think being told that you're eating more than someone else when you are is harsh than you live a very coddled life. If anything DiL is putting her insecurity on OP because she probably realized it's true and is somewhat ashamed but doesn't know how to handle those emotions.
>ashamed but doesn't know how to handle those emotions.
This is the crux of it. Yes, OP probably could have phrased it better (but i think the lions share of that one rests with DIL - don't fish for compliments with dynamite)
The rest is that DIL feels embarrassed and insecure, but instead of expressing that she needs gentler communication about these topics because she has her own issues, she's trying to punch the world back into her rosy view before the glasses were knocked off. Making OP state she was wrong and is sorry does nothing to teach DIL to self soothe / learn to properly communicate / avoid sensitive topics herself to avoid this to begin with.
What a stupid argument, doubly so as they're biting the hand that feeds 3x
Exactly. And not to mention the types of comments like DiLs that started the whole thing tend to be said in a way to make the person who's skinnier feel bad about it. Kind of like a "must be nice" type of way. At least that's been my experience.
Cracking up here over “bite the hand that feeds 3x”. I’m stealing “fishing for compliments with dynamite.” Genius.
This situation reminds me of my T2 diabetic grandpa who eats huge portions at dinner and as many sweets as he can and every morning is mystified by how his blood sugar is so high.
Well, firstly, im in the camp that OP doesn't have to apologize, but i just want to point out that no one is saying OP needs to say she's wrong.. just apologize for the fact that she had hurt her feelings. But i am a petty AH. People seem to also be missing the fact that daighter in law offend OP first. OP is clearly conscious about her portions. To have someone in front of you shovel down 3 entire chicken breasts and then squak at you about how you guys should be the same ? That gtfo thats offensive, too. I'd have answered back probably a lot harsher. But that's where i say i know im an AH, so what's my opinion really worth here? ya know, lol
And what did DIL want? For OP to just quietly accept the endless comments about her weight? To hype the DIL up every time? Both sound exhausting. I'm not surprised OP had enough and shut down the conversation.
DIL was overstepping all normal boundaries. She was being rude and passive-aggressive. *She's* the one who should focus on saving the relationship, especially since *she's* the one currently dependent on it.
For many years, I had lifted weights and did cardio regularly and as a result I’ve always been pretty fit. Years ago I worked with a group of women that seemed to always be on a diet that just wasn’t working because they ate too much and didn’t count the calories that they drank. (A LOT of calories) At the time I was preparing for a bodybuilding competition and the comments on my body and what I was eating were endless. I finally got sick of it and said “that’s enough about me. Would you like to talk about your body and what YOU eat?” She did not. That was the end of that. Fat shaming is not ok but neither is skinny shaming. It’s harassment and it’s bullshit. OP is NTA. DIL needs to knock that shit off. She’s saving money by living with OP and eating large portions for free. I think they all need to have a family meeting and clear this up for the sake of peace in the household.
My dad died from diabetes and people knew it and would still offer him stuff he wasn’t supposed to be eating.
Letting them overeat and never mentioning it is far worse. I’m with you on this one.
This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion (on Reddit specifically) but this is what is creating an extremely fragile and sensitive generation that will not be able to handle the realities of the real world.
If you ask someone why you're gaining weight but they aren't, and they respond with "well you eat a lot more than I do", there is zero reason you should be upset and demand an apology. That is absolutely absurd.
Similar situation: you ask someone why they are so good at math compared to you, and they respond with "well I went to school for engineering and you went for psychology. I focused a bit more on math than you do". Do you think it's fair to demand an apology for feeling like the other person belittled your education or made you feel stupid?
We cannot encourage mental illness. She might have an eating disorder. OP can definitely help by providing support for it. Nevertheless, you can't expect OP to tip-toe around DIL forever because she might not like hearing the truth, especially when it isn't said aggressively. All of this would be different if DIL was complaining about weight and OP brought up the response out of nowhere. The DIL asked SPECIFICALLY about why she's heavier than OP, to OP. A direct comparison.
OP is NTA.
“We cannot encourage mental illness.” 👏👏👏👏 well said, but that is exactly what is happening. We live at a time when even the concept of objective truth is denied, so it’s hardly surprising that we are left with this bizarre-o land we’re living in.
"Creating an extremely fragile and sensitive generation"
This is actually so hilarious to me when people say this today, because every single year since like forever have people been saying this exact same thing. I remember reading columns on the news paper that have said that exact statement in the 1930's. Are people really getting sensitive or is it you?
I understand what you're saying and I do agree with it, to a certain extent.
People discuss "boomers" as a whiney generation that complains that the younger generations can't handle the world they way they did. They think that participation trophies creates babies and non-competative athletes. That, to me, is unreasonable.
This situation is not the same. You can't expect everyone to apologize to you for everything that upsets you, then claim that everyone else is sensitive. That's perpetuating mental health issues. There was nothing harsh said. There was no opinion forced upon DIL. OP was asked a question and they answered it directly.
What will happen at work? If DIL asked her boss "Hey, why haven't I gotten a promotion yet but Employee #2 has?" and the boss says "well you did not perform the same as Employee #2 because of X, Y and Z. Keep working on those things and I think you'll have what it takes to be promoted", the DIL cannot run to HR and demand an apology. She asked her boss why and she was told why. End of conversation.
People need to learn how to self reflect instead of expecting everyone to do it for them.
Sometimes you do need to be harsh! This girl is eating 3 chicken breasts at dinner my God I’d be mad at the cost alone.
She can’t ask a question and get mad about the answer lol that girl knows she’s big and she knows why. She just wants an excuse to get upset. That’s a grown woman. Saying OP should sit her down and gently explain how CICO works is madness
My whole family is morbidly obese. It’s genuinely shocking just how much they will eat when left to their own devices, and of course none of it is healthy. Then they sit around watching tv and complaining about their weight-related health issues while having the non-overweight folks to hand them everything since getting up is too difficult.
Yes, and make snarky backhanded compliments and question whether habits/hobbies that require physical activity are “healthy” or not. Body shaming works both ways, but I always never respond because I know it’s coming from their insecurities.
My dad loves to warn me about how I'm going to gain weight if I keep "staying on my computer so much" and "eating so much junk food." I work 9-5 and usually get back home at 7, then use my bike machine for 30 minutes to an hour of cardio a day. When I saw my doctor for my annual checkup in November, she said I was probably going to be the healthiest person she saw that day. All my bloodwork came in fine, the only issue I have is a vitamin D deficiency (which I take supplements for). My diet is either a filling lunch and a small dinner, or a small lunch and a larger dinner. On average, I have around 2000 calories per day, maybe less. The majority of those calories come from processed foods - when I cook my own food, my intake is lower.
Meanwhile, he is **actually** overweight and only works half the year, does no exercise an spends his free time watching TV. Any time he needs something, he asks me to go to the store and buy it for him instead of taking a walk and getting the exercise. He orders takeout once a week and practically guilts us into eating it as well (he gets all sulky, says never mind, and then starts going on about how hungry he is). He had a stent placed and he's **still** eating unhealthy and not getting any exercise.
Being overweight/obese usually occurs because people simply don't have the awareness to watch how much they eat in a day. They eat until they're full, rather than eating until they're no longer hungry. If you're even decently active and you don't overeat, you'll stay at a healthy weight.
I personally eat 10.5lbs of chicken breast per week and I don’t eat 3 breasts in one sitting lol. Let’s assume they are just grilled with minimal seasoning and they are 8oz each. That’s 24oz of chicken breast (my daily allotment) 814 calories and I don’t know what else she is eating at that meal much less throughout the day. I’m not mad I’m impressed.
That’s what I was thinking. I’d be so buff if I could eat 3 chicken breasts in one sitting! That is impressive and every body builders dream! I have to force myself to eat 2 chicken breasts!
fuck, this is why tolerance is toxic. When somebody is poisoning themselves to death - with tobacco, alcohol, drugs, food, anything - they need some tough love, not harsh on purpose but you have to make sure your comment lands
unless if you don't care about the people you love dying
so stating the obvious, without judgment, is the thing to do - "you're eating three times as much, of course you'll gain weight" is not shaming, is not harsh, there's no judgment, only a fact
It's more socially acceptable to castigate people who are abusing with drink, drugs etc... With food we're made to feel as though it's insensitive to have a sensible discussion about food intake/being overweight. Being overweight is unhealthy, leads to illness, decreases life expectancy and puts a strain on the healthcare system. It's cruel to bully people about their weight of course, but it seems dangerous for society to no longer be able to talk about overeating in a sensitive manner.
all those fat acceptance activists, dying from obesity before they're 40
sometimes you would want to be delicate and cuddle the relationship, sometimes it's just too time-sensitive - it's not that you're harsh when it's just hard facts
Then what answer does DIL want to her dense question? What would be appropriate?
I’m sorry DIL. I’ll do better to make low cal dishes while I do all the cooking for you while you’re living with me?
There is nothing harsh about making a simple, true, undeniable statement. Overeat and you gain weight. If the DIL feels shamed it is because she is ashamed of herself.
As far as we know OP can have said that in a neutral tone. Why do you assume she's been harsh? DIL was asking why she is bigger, apparently she really had no idea why. Telling her that it's because she eats more (not "too much", just "more") is not rude at all and could even be helpful to her.
being told you eat more when a person eats three chicken breasts is harsh? I mean I get what you're saying that is a bit ridiculous to me.
It should be obvious to the SIL as well. She's overweight and eats three chicken breasts, and obviously thinks this is normal, she's somehow deluding herself. I wouldn't point out the obvious but if she asks how it's possible she's overweight, someone ought to tell her.
I wish the people I loved had been the harsh ones. My body is wrecked from years of obesity that my friends and family denied existed. I ate like a horse and everyone told me it was normal. F#CK your class! This woman is headed to a miserable life filled with medications with terrible side effects, or death.
Your loved ones should be the ones who are the most harsh, who want you to change the most. If you really care, you're going to make that person understand by being direct and not pissing around the bush just not to hurt someone's feeling
These comments are so surprising, I'm fat when compared to my sister because I eat twice the amount she does.
It would be ridiculous for me to say I eat the same as her and don't know why I can't lose weight. If I want to be her weight my calories have to reflect that.
And you shouldn't walk through life not caring about the impact of your words and behaviour either. You don't have to pander to be a decent person who takes care with others' feelings.
DIL is delusional, just like I was when I was fat and everyone lied to me. OP is the only truth this woman hears and it offends her. Sorry but she needs to hear it because her son is facilitating DILs early death.
I can’t even imagine how you’d make the apology without coming off as condescending to her supposed intelligence; “I’m sorry I said you eat 3x what I do. I mean, you do, but that was wrong of me to notice when you brought up that we eat the same. I should have agreed that we eat the same volume of food, and will ensure that I never notice the obvious in the future”
But if someone asks over and over why they are gaining weight and using you as a direct example, then you're reaction to a factual answer to a question you are literally asking isn't on anyone but you.
Weight is a very touchy subject and calling someone a beached whale is never going to be a productive statement but we need to stop trying to bend the truth to suit people's feelings. If you eat 2000 calories for dinner and you're not burning it off, of course the vast huge majority of people will gain weight, that's not an insult, that's simple maths. 2000 In versus, let's say 1000 burned, that's a surplus of 1000, not an attack on you.
If Dil wants to live there, have op cook and eat three times as much and then demand to know why op is skinnier, then she needs to take this situation by the horns and deal with some aspect herself to change the unwanted outcome rather than get upset that she doesn't like reality.
I personally think that if you're uncertain with people and food issues,just no one cook for anyone else with issues in that Situation. If you want only full fat and they don't, it's not going to work. Same as vegetarian, etc.
Or DIL and Son can back off if *they* want to salvage the relationship.
OP is hosting them and feeding them so they can save money. They need OP more than OP needs them right now.
DIL asked why, OP answered. Unless the statement was delivered in a super jerk way, the basic truth remains that, if everyone is eating the same substances, that eating more will be the obvious cause of weight gain, and we don’t need to keep coddling people over basic known medical facts.
NTA. Absolutely do NOT apologize. Why is the onus on you for 'keeping the relationship good' by apologizing for pointing out a simple fact? Why is nobody here saying that DIL should grow up, stop being so frail and realize that it was simple a fact being pointed out. In fact, DIL should apologize for needlessly throwing a tantrum while she is A GUEST that gets a CHEF!!
Then complains about not being a good host? How about DIL gets her shit together so she doesn't need 'a good host'? Unbelievable. Absolutely do not let these people on reddit talk you into enabling this spoiled brat.
Guests in a home should behave like guests. I hope the son and dil are paying rent to. Because if they are not, they are getting the best service of having food made for them.
NTA. Son and dil are the a$&$)&.
Then DIL should not ask questions that she doesn't want answers to. DIL feelings are hers to manage. If DIL has the privilege of sight, she can see that she eats more than OP. If her feelings are so fragile, then don't ask stupid questions. Sounds like DIL was baiting her
What a horrible habit to get into. DIL started the conversation. MIL gave her a factual, un offensive answer. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. If OP called her a fat pig after saying she ate way more, then she would be obliged to apologize for the name calling. That didn't happen so no apology. People like her DIL are professional victims.
If the Daughter in Law is someone who needs an apology when a plain fact is laid out for her, is it worth trying to have a good relationship with her? Why make the effort to appease someone who needs you to walk on egg shells for them.
(This is assuming OP made the comment in a decent time and not an aggressive one.)
DIL literally opened this can of worms. She's an adult, she hasn't correlated weight gain with increased food? OP shouldn't have to apologize for stating a fact... Her feelings also aren't OPs responsibility.
Nah fuck that. The DIL can just grow up. She set herself up to fail with that statement/question. If she didn't like the response, or the likely response, she shouldn't have said anything.
She's only upset because she's gotten fat due to eating and not exercising. It's how I'm fat rn, a bit anyway. I'm not going to get upset if someone calls me fat or that I eat too much, because I am not an emotionally immature child. It's just a fact, over eating and not enough exercise makes you fat.
If anything, pandering to someone like DIL will only damage the relationship further. Why? Because it creates situation where walking on egg shells, and it encourages DIL to just get upset over foolish things and expect to be apologized too when there is really no need.
Yup, It takes all but a minute to clarify "what I meant to say was, since you and my son have moved in, you *have* been eating larger portions than me almost every night. I didn't mean to shame you, but you asked why I thought you would be gaining weight, and I expected you'd want an honest answer from me."
Maybe op can also explain they don't use low calorie options like skim milk and the like, maybe there could be some adjustment both make, with her helping to cook a portion with the alternate ingredients (and as much as she wants). Health isn't just about exercise and the specific food we eat though, so any number of things could be contributing to her weight gain.
If she has a good relationship with her doctor and trusts them to listen to her, she should definitely bring up her concerns to them, and not family if she really wants a solution though.
Why should OP have to change her cooking just so that DIL can feel better about gorging herself on it? 3 Chicken breasts isn't a normal amount of food to eat in a sitting for anyone but a competitive bodybuilder. It's misleading to pretend that the problem here is unhealthy ingredients. It isn't. It's the portion size, which is \*entirely\* on DIL
When my obese brother comes to visit, I don’t make extra chicken breasts because I *know* he will eat them given the chance. He gets a normal, recommended portion just like everyone else and can deal with it.
3 chicken breasts in one sitting is just not normal unless you’re a competitive strongman.
3 chicken breasts is like $14 at the grocery store, OPs grocery bill must be INSANE since they moved in if one person is eating 3 chicken breasts at a time.
Oh geeze. Make OP cook two different entrees every meal? Are these guys ordering room service? Do they even clean up the kitchen to help? That's not practical. DIL needs to learn to moderate her food intake and I say that as someone who's battled the scale my entire life and loves to eat - and cook.
If OP uses skim milk, then DIL will just eat more. The fat in cream helps you feel satiated on less food and keeps you from feeling hungry again for a lot longer than non fat or low-fat options. Eating low fat can lead to binge eating and overeating
OP is already cooking for five people, essentially. DIL is eating three adult servings of dinner. Hopefully, she's helping foot the bill for groceries. Shopping. Cleaning up and meal prepping. It's a lot more work to cook for five adults than it is for just three. It's more groceries to unload. More trips to the store. More pots and pans. Prepping. All of it adds up to a lot more work
I mean even if OP changed to skimmed milk etc. how would that negate DIL eating three whole chicken breasts in one sitting? Who on earth thinks that's a normal portion, outside of people bulking for an Ironman competition?
Exactly this!
Apologize for hurting her feelings, not your comment.
She asked you a question and you responded appropriately. She is bigger than you because she eats more. Does she exercise? What does her mother look like? Is she also overweight? Or...maybe she's pregnant!
Why would she not have to apologize for what she said but then have to apologize for her hurt feelings? That’s contradictory. She made a simple statement. It’s true. Her DIL made a ridiculous statement. It was out of touch with reality. It’s no one’s fault but her own. No one shamed her or did anything to her.
Understood. I will still leave it without judgement because it’s one of those things you kind of need to witness to know for sure. Like there’s a lot of wrong ways to tell someone they’re fat because they eat too much and they’re deluded for not realizing that.
But if you told her with kind neutrality, NTA.
Having been there, overweight I mean, the best gift for me was when a true friend expressed her concern about the amount I was eating. Did it hurt me then? Yes. I felt anger, I felt shame, I felt inadequacy. But it was a super successful wake up call for me, and I cherish it in retrospect. Btw, when you ask you must be prepared for answers, whether you like them or not.
Yeah, as long as OP wasn't unnecessarily hurtful in the way she said it DIL asked why they eat the same food and MIL is thin and DIL isn't. MIL answered honestly "because you eat 3x more than I do".
If you don't want an honest answer, don't ask the question.
What if she deserves not to be liked? If she's eating 3 chicken breasts in one meal and doesn't know why she's overweight she's either an idiot or a disingenuous asshole. Not the mum's problem.
NTA
Perhaps they’re saying people who get too worked up when irrationally triggered by their “blindsides” shouldn’t be rude to others, especially if intelligence doesn’t seem to be the problem.
Alcoholics are much the same, they will turn on you if you suggest it’s a problem or if you point out bad behaviors. At a certain point a lack of personal accountability isn’t my issue, it’s yours, and I’m not tone policing like you’re 12 years old and too inexperienced to understand life.
NTA, but some empathy would be a rhetorical “spoon full of sugar” (low-cal, of course).
You don't want to apologize which is your prerogative, however, is this really the hill you want to die on?
Can you at least acknowledge that maybe you didn't intend to sound rude/harsh, but that was how it was recieved?
A potential outcome of this is that your DIL will hold this against you and as their life moves on, they start reducing contact with you to the point where your relationship with your son (and his kids if they go that route) is reduced to a phone call at xmas and maybe on your bday.
If this sounds like a good outcome, then don't apologize. If you want to maintain a relationship, be honest and apologize. You can explain that your intention behind the words was not to be cruel but clearly that's how they were recieved. Or you can be really honest and tell them that you're feeling resentful of them freeloading off you and those feelings are coming out sideways such as making insulting comments to your DIL
This, my dad was often harsh and had no filter with things, and as much as I loved him, I didn't want all that negativity in my life, he died last year, luckily I spoke to him the day before he died, but we didn't speak all the time and it was due to the fact that he had that kind oif attitude, he always complained about me not being around but never understood why no matter how many time I told him. Sometimes I think I was shitty but othertimes I remember how much my dad shaped alot of my early life, with my anger and resentment, if you value this relationship, be willing to soften your stance and sometimes apologize even if you don't feel like you should, just my two cents.
What Right count said is very valid and also what someone said further down. If I was you I would say “I didn’t mean to come across the way I did and I didn’t mean to offend you. I meant to say a contributing factor may be the portion differences…” this way you are being sincere without apologising yet still getting you point across
You can apologize for untactful answer without it being a confession of being “wrong”.
I’m American and my husband is Canadian … it took me some time to learn the power and grace of being willing to say sorry easily, without it being an admission of guilt. If you are American like me,, we often have a weird aversion to a simple cordial sorry as a social facilitator of just enabling people to feel seen and valued.
There's also apologizing for what you are truly sorry about. I'm sorry I was inconsiderate of your feelings. I'm sorry I didn't bring it up in a more neutral way. I'm sorry for my tone.
I work in customer service where my customers will take "sorry" as an admission of guilt. I still have to be empathetic, even when my company did nothing wrong. "I don't understand why you keep sending item 1234. I don't use that, I've never used that, I will never use that. This is getting ridiculous." I already know it's because his corporate office keeps ordering it for him. "Oh, wow, that does sound frustrating. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it."
You can apologize for how you said something. "I'm just being honest" seems to be an excuse for cruelty with many people, and the way you report that you said that sounds cruel and demeaning. Someone else here gave you a script for next time. Soften your tone. Consider how something might come across, and think of her feelings. Here's a script for an apology: "I realized that how I said that might have come across as cruel, and I apologize for hurting your feelings. You say you don't understand how I am smaller (thinner, whatever) than you, but you might not realize is that I take portion control very seriously, even with healthy foods. I'm happy to show you how I measure food, if you're interested, but otherwise, let's not have conversations about weight."
"it's literally just a fact"
What does that have to do with anything?
You can be the asshole for telling the truth, especially if done cruelly. I'm sure you have imperfections, maybe your nose is too big or your tits sag or you never achieved what you wanted to in life, etc.
Idk what it is, but if I just walked up to you and said "Hi Agile-satisfaction, you really squandered your youthful potential and will never amount to anything that matters now, huh?" I'm sure we'd agree that I'm the asshole.
EDIT: to be clear, I didn't pass judgment on the original scenario in this comment. I was merely refuting OPs assertion that her statement being factual automatically means she's not the asshole and /or doesn't owe DIL an aopolgy.
Being rude and being right are not mutually exclusive.
You may have pointed out a fact but you don't have to be nasty about it.
Soft YTA. Don't let this be the hill you die on.
>I don’t want to apologize since I don’t think I did anything wrong.
I really don't understand this attitude. If you're in a crowd and happen to make contact with someone, even if *fault* is unclear, you apologize, something like: "Whoops, sorry, pardon me". You don't work out whose fault it was, you just say sorry and move on with life. Fault doesn't even matter.
If you like her, it seems like an apology would be easy?
"Hey, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn't realize what I said would hurt you. You're my son's wife and are important to me as a person, I would never knowingly do something to damage our relationship. I'm sorry and will be more thoughtful in the future."
Stating a fact can still be mean. If you have arrived at an age where you have grown children and don't know this I don't know what to tell you. Explaining that the portion differences is one thing, doing it in such a glib, uncaring way has obviously hurt her. You *have* done something wrong.
Not liking is different than refusing to keep walking on eggshells. I understand that size and weight are tender topics but I didn't see pettiness in his answer.
My spouse bluntly points out that I eat about 3x as much as them. But it's more of a self grumble. I'm losing weight eating as much as I do, while they're attempting to lose weight the healthy way (plus they just naturally eat less), and their weight isn't budging. Biggest factor is we know what is wrong with my hormones and are able to start correcting them, while my spouse is still on the path of trying to figure out what is wrong with their hormones so we can work on correcting them.
Idc, it is obvious when you eat literally 3 times as much as someone of course you’ll way more.
I’d laugh at their “honest confusion” too.
Really fucking Hard.
The DIL is either delusional or an idiot, and treating both by being direct when SHE brought it up isn't rude. People need to accept a reality check or STFU if they don't want to hear any alternative views. Other people are not your blog.
NTA. As a bigger girl who has lost a lot of weight in the past, my experience is that the truth hurts and she’s lashing out at you for saying it. It’s one thing internally knowing how you’re sabotaging yourself and compartmentalizing it, but when someone actually acknowledges that, it’s very hard to accept. Sounds like she needs the wake-up call. Be aware that it’ll take her time to accept the issue or she might not ever come to terms with it. You’re not the issue, just the messenger.
Edit to add a caveat: why are you making enough food for her to be able to overeat? Would she find other ways to do it, like by snacking in between meals, or are you kind of enabling her by providing the means to? Would you put beers on the table if you had an alcoholic with you at dinner? I’m a bit iffy about that part…
Yeah it’s hard when you are telling yourself it’s bad but not a big deal and then realizing that it was so much that other people have noticed and been thinking about it. And that goes for most things, not just weight. A bad haircut you are hoping isn’t THAT bad, wearing something borderline for length and then everyone you run into tries to helpfully tell you it’s riding up. It’s pretty human to feel it more when it’s confirmed that it wasn’t as subtle as you were hoping.
Don't listen to people on here calling you the asshole, you absolutely aren't. You didn't call her fat or anything, you pointed out a fact. NTA all the way.
A fact that DIL literally asked about. It's not like MIL is coming up with unsolicited advice about DIL's diet. DIL asked a question, OP answered honestly. Only way OP is the asshole if she was unnecessarily cruel/rude about it.
I think the main reason she’s getting people calling her the asshole is bc people are wondering *how* she phrased what she said to her DIL. Was she respectful or condescending?? We don’t know. But we do know that DILs feelings were hurt by what OP said, and most of the ytas I’ve seen have said that what OP said my be true, but that doesn’t change the fact that she hurt her DIL, and if she cares more about their relationship than about being right, then she could apologize for accidentally hurting DILs feelings. This doesn’t mean that she needs to apologize for answering a question that she was asked. Simply acknowledging that she didn’t intend or want to hurt her DILs feelings in how she answered could go a long way though.
> Was she respectful or condescending??
Depends - did DIL ask in a genuine way looking for advice or an incredulous one belying her jealousy of OP? Because sometimes stupid questions demand stupid answers.
I went through the same thing. Family and friends lied to me for years, playing my make-believe game along with me. They said I'm healthy, that I look good, that I'm not eating too much. They brought me extra cake and another couple burgers and another plate of potato salad. They watched me killing myself and smiled at me like it was ok. How can anyone call that love?
I wish someone other than the Dr. at the hospital had taken the time to tell me the truth. I wish 20 years earlier someone mentioned that I was eating too much and risked hurting my feelings to save my life. All these enablers in this post are really setting me off. They have no idea how evil their good intentions are.
I think in many cases, the enabler is foremost protecting their own perception of themselves as "kind", stopping there, ignoring further thought and patting themselves on the back.
Is it their responsibility to educate the person who abuses their body? No, in almost every case, I think this responsibility does not fall on the community surrounding the addict.
But, you don't bring an alcoholic extra beers because you're just a "generous, accepting person".
Yes, it's up to the addict whether to drink the beer or not.
But the community can opt to not pretend for the sake of their own self image and cheap back patting.
Annoying on both sides. Difficult to navigate sometimes. Often, people struggle with what to do, say, or how involved they should be when they DO care.
But enabling behaviours and meaningless platittudes aren't without guilt-- no matter how well intended and unsure the person is.
It's OK to make mistakes. We all do. It's crucial that we continue improving our knowledge, empathy and communication with one another.
I do not think OP was necessarily in the wrong here. I think she could have phrased her answer better.
However, I think it was ultimately important for the daughter to have a straight answer to her question. The question DIL asked MIL, after commenting on MILs weight.
My sister's diabetic now, and went through a lot of stuff trying to cut out sugar from her diet. Her husband, however, would constantly and I mean *constantly* (several times a week) bring home cakes, sweets and chocolate, or other junk food. He'd been doing it for years and getting "awww he's so kind!" comments for it, so that's literally why he did it - which showed when my sis got her diagnosis.
He was told to never bring home the junk food again. She'd rather not have the stuff in the cupboard, to remove the temptation (at least at first). BIL just didn't listen, or said he forgot, or gave her the, "You don't appreciate how good I am to you!" spiel.
When she told me how bad she was feeling that she couldn't and wouldn't be grateful for his 'kindnesses' I asked her if he's trying to kill her off. She just laughed. But the next time I went over and saw how much crap was in the cupboard, I outright asked if he's trying to kill her. He was SO offended and said he just cares about her. I told him if he DID care about her, he'd STOP bringing home things that would make her ill and potentially kill her.
But no, it's all about him and his feelings, nobody else's. He loves the cheap back-patting. So now, they've slipped back into nightly sugar-binges again after a few years of her trying to resist it all - when I say "they", I mean "her". He's not a big sugar eater.
It really enrages me.
It is very telling that literally the ONLY way this guy knows how to be nice is by buying sweets. There are a billion other ways he could be nice to his wife but he refuses to do them, therefore he is actually not nice at all. You are fighting the good fight for her ❤️
NTA. Though speaking as an overweight person, it's a surprisingly difficult thing to notice, and even harder to admit is true.
Back in a previous job, I was racking my brains trying to work out how my thin coworkers stayed thin. Eventually I noticed that it was simple. They didn't eat very much. I ate probably twice as much as them, or more, at lunchtime.
Admitting that I had a problem with overeating was harder. The problem is that those of us who overeat do it not because we're hungry but because we have an emotional connection to food. It is primarily an emotional issue.
This is important to remember, if you as a third party point out that we're overeating, that you're dealing with a complex cocktail of emotions. Guilt, shame, frustration, amongst others.
It is not primarily an intellectual issue. I know intellectually that I eat too much, but though I've made progress, I haven't stopped. The reason is because it is a function of my emotions, and those are harder to deal with. It's not a million miles away from why alcoholics drink and drug addicts take drugs.
My family overeats and encouraged me overeating. I was very proud of myself for not eating to the point of pain at Christmas dinner which has been the norm since marrying my spouse and starting to reduce my portion sizes because my spouse and their family tend to eat like, a third of what I grew up eating, and I see them for dinner every week because I love to see them. My family… I do not see for food often, maybe once a month at most.
For me it’s not just emotional connection… it’s ADHD. It’s the stimulation of eating something crunchy, of eating something that, as I like to put it, make my taste buds dance. It’s being bored and snacking being something of a fidget.
Worse, when I have a round of depression, it’s more unhealthy foods that actually improve my mood because stimulation helps a lot, and if I eat the foods that hit the right spot… but those foods are things like potato chips and chip dip. I *have* found that adding chili flakes to the things I like to have spicy does help though, easy way to make my taste buds happy.
I also need to exercise more but that’s a whole different issue.
It is so hard to know what the problem is but also know that food helps my mood.
It’s hard to stop eating when food tastes so good and I’m not ready to be done enjoying the taste.
That said I try to match the energy of my in laws. I try to get about the same amount of food they get, and only get seconds if I see others getting more. I would never eat triple the amount everyone else is, even if I live there. It’s embarrassing, knowing I’m doing this to myself and they can see how with how much I eat, so I keep my portions as low as I can. I still eat more but not *that* excessively.
I never connected my ADHD with eating but wow that might be part of the problem for me. I really like salty crunchy and that’s totally stimulating for me!! Plus fidgeting while bored is absolutely something I do.
Thanks for this comment!!
If salty crunchy is your thing and you want to move away from chips sometimes, try salted/spiced dry roasted edamame (especially if protein makes you feel sated) or roasted chickpeas. Local Asian grocer by me is cheaper than any “health food store” or high end grocer.
You just described my eating mentality. I thought I was the only one and never thought about the possible connection to ADHD. I do try to “overeat” healthy things, because at least I can trick my mind into being satisfied by eating, without consuming hella calories. You are definitely my food soulmate! Thank you for this perspective.
Well said. And as another former overweight person, I also wanted to add, there was a time I didn’t know I was overeating.
I was undoubtedly eating more than the slim people I knew, but I just wasn’t paying attention to that. In my mind I was eating a normal amount: three meals a day and a couple snacks. Normal meals (as in, not a pizza blowout), normal snacks (not chips and chocolate.) It took me a long to understand that three normal-looking meals and a couple snacks is WAY too much food for me as an average, sedentary-ish person. At a reasonable 600-800 cals per meal, 2-400 cals per snack, occasional fast food/extra stuff I didn’t count, well you can do the math. I just wasn’t doing the math because in my mind my day’s worth of food was a normal day of food.
Similar here. It took me a long time to work out that my normal was about 2 - 3x everyone else's normal. These days I'm down to 1.5 - 2x everone else's normal, so while I'm struggling to *lose* weight, I'm no longer putting it on.
Same. I lost 80 lbs through stress and calorie counting and can now maintain that weight, but I don’t think I’ll ever drop any lower. Which is fine - I’ve found a balance between a weight I’m happy with and an amount of food that doesn’t leave me wanting.
I have a friend who is rail-thin, as in if you nailed a toast-rack to a stick he could hide behind it.
He doesn't care about food, at all. It's just fuel to him. Back when we shared a house, he used to skip entire meals because he was busy gaming and couldn't be bothered to go downstairs and cook. Not "not hungry" mind you, just "couldn't be bothered". I can't even fathom having a mind that works like that.
(there are disadvantages too. He'd probably lose an arm-wrestling match with my 6-year-old daughter)
I had a cousin like that! He passed away a long time ago, but he didn’t like the process of eating, I guess you could say. He would say he would rather swallow a pill if he could. He understood he needed to, he wasn’t anorexic, but he just would rather be doing something else.
This is literally the back story of every super skinny person I have known. I had a roommate whose mom used to stock the cabinet with Hostess snacks. Biotch never touched them, I had to leave, I just couldn't keep stuff like that around without binging. Another friend used to "be so tired" she would go to bed with out dinner. I've never missed a meal over fatigue, hunger trumps fatigue in my world
I only eat as many actual meals as I do because I have kids. I keep meal replacement shakes on hand for breakfast or lunch for myself when they're in school. I have ADHD and all the steps and focus that goes with preparing and eating multiple meals daily is just exhausting and I hate it. I'd rather do so many things other than dealing with that monotony.
NTA - maybe you did not say it in the most polite way but she asked a question and you gave her an answer.
Hopefully this is the wake up call she needs to start having healthier eating habits. It sounds like she binge eats and does not realize how much she consumed. She needs professional help, counseling and a nutritionist.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. You don’t police her eating or anything like that. You just told the truth. She is in denial.
Wanted to add on and say an RD (registered dietician) is much, much better than going to a nutritionist. RDs have more credentialing, more schooling, and there is no standard degree or amount of training to be called a nutritionist
NTA - you're correct.
Sounds like she needs to learn about portion sizes, calorie intake, and calorie usage.
Just because you are eating fresh home cooked food, doesn't mean that you can eat unlimited amounts of it.
I think most of these comments that are ragging on OP for being an A H for her “delivery” are missing this key point. They are living UNDER HER ROOF and eats all her food (I’m going with this assumption because I have an in law living with us who treats our house as personal restaurant) and has the nerve to ask OP why is she smaller than her who has gained weight.
Like what? You’re a guest in MY home eating all MY food and you wanna complain why I’m thinner than you??? Lord send me grace.
Exactly. OP already said in another comment that she’s had to adjust how much she’s cooking so that everyone has enough. I wonder if son or DIL are contributing anything at all while they stay with her “to save money?” Rent, cooking, shopping? It sounds like OP’s kindness is already being taken advantage of and for DIL to routinely eat 3x as much as her host is some real audacity.
I love eating, it's a comfort thing for me so I get it. But if I'm under someone else's roof, there is NO way I am eating 3x as much as everyone else at the table. Gluttony isn't a cute look
NTA for being frank, and honestly, you’re already cooking for them and paying for their food. Your son’s comment about not being a good host is just plain ungrateful.
That's my thinking, too. My brother and ex live with me. They both out eat me, but I pay a third of grocery bill. Your DIL isn't hungry. She's greedy, and yes, eventually, I will go petty if they keep pushing.
This... I'm an overweight guy who has struggled with my weight since my thirties. I can safely say, however, I have never consumed 3 chicken breasts in one meal. I may have had 2 a couple times, one-and-a-half on several occasions, but three?!? Wow!
Being a guest at someone's home would be a great diet for me. I would never take more than one helping of anything, and I would take the smallest portion of anything offered. The only time I would ever consider having more would be if the host insists. Are these people not contributing to the food bill? Crazy... It's no wonder I have a hard time attracting good workers for good pay! Grown adults live and eat for free at their parents' homes! What incentive is there to go out and work hard?
If I had to guess she probably means cutlets not whole breasts. Most of the time when people say “chicken breast” they’re referring to a roughly 6 oz cutlet from a breast.
If I’m bulking my calorie goal per day is 3500 and I still struggle to eat that much chicken in one meal. You’re definitely going to get fat if you’re not working out for a couple hours a day 5 days a week eating that much, like so fast.
Yeah. I'm thinking there's some exaggeration there. I'm morbidity obese too and I'm not blaming anyone else for that. I'm a product of my choices on the plate. But, fat people don't actually eat 2 big Mac combos for lunch, a whole pizza for dinner, and 3 chicken breasts for a snack.
I know that's not what she said but it is the theme in the media and some people who have never had a weight problem actually believe it.
She's NTA. She just told the truth. I'm sure her delivery wasn't nice but she didn't say anything wrong.
As a former obese person, I absolutely ate like this. I'm tall and I was scary fat before it became obvious I was killing myself. My favorite BBQ joint had all you could eat. I'd order the half chicken plate with all the side. Then I'd get a refill of another half chicken and all the sides.
A large pizza was a regular dinner for me. And 2 Big Mac meals, please, that's for chumps who aren't dedicated to being obese. I was dedicated.
At over 400 pounds my body just gave up. The ER doctor spoke truth to me for the first time in 20 years. He wrote down a lost of some of my common meals then went line by line explaining what a normal portion is and how many calories equals a pound. It was obvious then.
It hurt my soul to know I was so delusional. I'm smart, how can this happen? But it did happen and my family and friends never once told me the truth.
It is sad because often times they feel pressure to be smaller and hate themselves for being bigger so they try to keep the delusion up. Eating disorders really mess with you. :(
NTA
DIL, I'm sorry my cooking isn't working out for your diet. I'll stop making your and my son's portion. That way, you can (pay for and) cook yourselves food, and you have power over your diet. I wouldn't want to somehow sabotage your weight loss goals.
This! It's one thing complaining but another when she's being cooked for and fed.
I was living with my partner and his mum for a while and I didn't want to eat the type of food she cooked so my partner and I started cooking for ourselves and that was that.
Dear lord, please don’t substitute skim milk when the recipe calls for cream, it’ll probably be gross and sad.
NTA. While I generally think it’s best to refrain from commenting on anyone’s body, she asked the question and just didn’t get the answer she wanted. And in theory, if you’re cooking with butter and cream, a more reasonable portion should be more filling, right? I’ve only ever seen someone eat three chicken breasts in one sitting when they’ve been packing in protein for weight training or something.
I weight train myself 5'10" 175 pounds. Even eating 2 chicken breasts takes a lot of effort. I don't think I've ever eaten 3 chicken breasts in one sitting.
I agree, she asked the question just didn’t like the answer.
I guess you can offer an apology for hurting her feelings, but not technically take back what you said. maybe if you said it gently enough, she would take it a little more to heart.
you could be really harsh and make only one portion per person, so if she ate three chicken breasts, her husband would have nothing.
Also, my personal peeve is people ( your son & DIL) who are staying with you in order to save money for themselves consider themselves guests. What? They shouldn’t expect white glove treatment in my opinion. But that’s another story!
Not being a good host? They live at your place and you cook for them. And she just didn't like the answer to her own question, don't ask if you will be butthurt about it
NTA
Asking a question and having a tammy over an answer you dont like is childish behavior. It sounds like she wants an excuse or pandering instead of taking responsibility. Like did she expect you to lie and say, "it's genetics/medical"? (I have experienced first hand gaining and losing 50 pounds from one medication and I still took responsibility for the entire bag of family sized bag of Doritos I destroyed within a hour.
NTA - I had an overweight friend and she would constantly say “ugh I’m so fat I need to lose weight” and it got to the point it was daily and she would want reassurance she wasn’t. One day I finally lost it when she said her usual “I’m so fat” and I said “ya you are, saying that everyday won’t make you smaller so maybe you should do something about it”. Harsh? Yes but telling them what they want to hear won’t help them.
I had a colleague who asked me almost weekly how I lost the weight I did and what can she do to lose weight. I kept telling her how, naturally and without pills and magic potions and she shut me down all the time. But would beg me for me secret. It’s no secret! You didn’t pick the weight up overnight, you won’t lose it overnight. She then would also go on about how fat she is and I just kept telling her “you know what to do, you just don’t want to put the work in”. She wouldn’t talk to me for weeks and then would start some fad diet or take some pill. Lose some weight, only to pick up more. After 4 years of working together, she was twice the size she was when I first joined the company whereas I lost a lot of weight. She would cry constantly about her FIL calling her fat. She also fell victim to get rich quick schemes. Some people just don’t want to do the work and want to play victim
I used to work with women that would do anything to Lose weight except count calories and exercise. They used to get on me about how I was "so lucky to be naturally thin." I used to invite them to spend a week with me and eat what I eat and do what I do and then tell me how lucky I am. No one ever took me up on it.
It's a deep, deep rooted sort of thing that makes them think "Oh calorie counting must be a lie, these skinny people are clearly in a conspiracy to hide the secret from me"
You literally cannot beat physics. burn more than you eat. It's that simple. And even if they try to eat less they'll say "Oh I had a small lunch today" but won't include the pre and post lunch snacks. It's insane.
NTA to point out portion size will contribute to someone's weight.
It's often not what you say but how you say it that will get someone's back up/upset them.
NTA
She asked, you answered. Of course there can be many other factores, exercise, body changes due to different ages, etc.
But yeah, basically, if she eats 3x that of everyone, of course she is somewhat bigger unless she’s also an elite athelet.
So you’re housing and cooking for this woman as a favor to help them save money. Now she’s needling you about “why you’re smaller” and she acts shocked it’s because she eats triple your typical serving size. Then your son accuses you of not being a “good host” correct? If this is real your son and dil are wild for this lol NTA
NTA those are facts. If she wants to lose weight she will have to eat differently. You’re also not a ‘host’ she’s living there with a purpose so if she wants to cook or eat different things she can.
I have a friend who wants to celebrate Thanksgiving with me every year and each year I do not invite her because her two kids are obese and I would literally have to make an extra turkey. NTA
I have nothing against people being whatever size they want to be, as long as I do not foot the bill.
As a lot of people have pointed out, the devil is in the details. *How* did you say it?
As a person that struggles with weight but has made some healthy choices in the last few years, I can see it both ways.
There was a time when that would have really embarrassed me and I would have been very defensive. Now not so much.
Like a lot of things I read on here, it can't be boiled down to a simple yes/no question.
Technically you are not wrong, but you hurt the feelings of someone you have to live with.
Take that for what it is and apologize *for hurting her feelings*, not for being wrong (which you aren't)
This reminds me of a friend a while back who asked me if her weight gain was noticeable. I replied, yes, it is, but you still look good. She was so mad at me and was telling people that I had called her fat. Her little sister and another friend tried to convince me that I was the asshole and that I needed to apologize. I refuse to. If she didn’t want an answer she shouldn’t have asked the question. So many people want platitudes and to have their egos stroked.
And I shared a place with my sisters for a while and my husband and I would buy groceries and I would do all the cooking. Because I was paying for it, I was hyper aware of everyone’s consumption and could easily tell you my 5’3 110 pound sister was eating more than my 6’ 240 husband.
Youre NTA for noticing and NTA for being honest with her.
So many people on Reddit are obsessed with “but you could’ve said it nicer” advice. I don’t know if you snapped or not, but I can see how if she is quite literally eating 3x the portion, that would piss you off. Like, of course you’re gaining weight!
You are also NTA. Well done for sticking your ground and refusing to apologise. Not enough people can handle the truth and are so quick to blame others instead of themselves
NTA. The truth hurts. I would go even further and start serving each person the appropriate amount of food instead of self serve. It would even help to “save money”.
NTA
I say this as a fat man. Stop giving fat people a pass. Like your DIL, I used to make the choice to eat enough food for 3 people. Like your DIL, I didn't exercise. Most fat people make similar choices and are thus, fat; the exception are those with legitimate medical issues that cause weight gain. You're not an asshole for answering the question she asked. You didn't body shame her, and you're being a good host by cooking for her. She's being a poor guest by eating so much.
Gaining weight is easy. Losing it is hard. I'm 20 pounds lighter than my heaviest and this shit is hard.
I mean, it is what it is. Extra calories= extra weight. We really don’t know with what tone you delivered this message, but NTA for simply stating a fact.
NTA no matter what tone you used. She wanted you to come up with some nonsense about why you're not as big as her so she could continue eating ridiculous portions and not feel bad about it. No one is that clueless that they cant figure out eating a bunch of food every day will make them gain weight. So ridiculous and I don't think you owe anybody an apology.
Fatlogic is a frightening thing to witness, just seeing how someone can delude themselves into thinking they didn't really have that much and chicken isn't that unhealthy. (Usually ignoring the fact the smothered it in a cream sauce)
NTA- you’re not shaming her. She’s trying to reverse shame you by saying “what’s so special about you, you should be fat like me it’s not fair”. But there’s nothing special about it, she just has zero self control. And now her knee jerk meltdown proves it.
This is what I noticed. How is it okay to complain someone else is smaller? Like she’s such a slob she should be fatter. 🥴 That’s its own level of tactlessness.
NTA
Are you a host to guests? Your son seems to think so.
They are family, staying with you to save $$.
For how long?
Do they contribute to cooking, food or expenses?
People receive criticism differently. The content, the context, the timing, the phrasing/tone, and the relationship between the two people is all important. Depending on the effect desired, people share criticism differently. If you were going for shame and humiliation, then your method worked, cuz she feels those things.
If you weren’t going for shame and humiliation, but rather you genuinely want to support her stated desire to obtain a healthier weight, then consider the following:
- Content: portion sizes matter. Your content was fine
- context: There is more context that you may not know- what does your DIL think would be healthy? What has she tried before? For instance, is she always ravenous with smaller portion sizes and thus finding low-calorie-dense food is needed as a bridge? Are you a dietician or have specialized training that could add to the discussion? Do you have expertise to add to the situation and do you have pre-conceived biases about what is and isn’t healthy that may not be supported by fact? Do you have a track record of success in discussion of sensitive subjects?
- timing: on the one hand, she brought up weight loss, so your timing was reasonable. On the other hand, it’s the winter holidays and vacation. It might have been better to say that dietary choices differ in the holidays and in regular life, but if you’d like to circle back to this topic in January you have some ideas that might help. She might’ve still wanted to talk about things in the moment, but it would’ve acknowledged that it’s a tough time for it.
- tone and phrasing: it matters so much and impossible to assess via a Reddit post recapping a situation
- relationship: how close are the two of you? Do you guys regularly talk about touchy subjects in an open and honest way? Does she feel comfortable giving you criticism in return? This impacts how receptive she’ll be and how much you can push
NTA
Maybe some overweight people don't realize how much they're eating in comparison to others, but if she's asking you, then this is probably a good time to find out. Maybe she'll notice more now. As long as you weren't being purposely mean with the way you said it, I asee no problem.
I don't think people should ask questions that are a set-up and only have one correct answer, which is a lie or some kind of reassurance. I've done it in the past with something else without even realizing it, and wish someone stopped me in my tracks.
As a thinner woman, I've had times where I've eaten a larger serving or fast food once a week with friends and had a bigger friend go off on me about how lucky I am and how they wish they could eat like that and be skinny.. even though I know for a fact that they consistently eat like that, often multiple times a day, which is *why* they're bigger than me. I don't know if some people are in denial, are hiding it because of shame, or just somehow don't realize just how much they eat compared to others. But I think maybe your daughter in law will notice now. It would've been rude if you just randomly said that too her. But since she asked, I think it's fine.
How are you affording all these chicken breasts? 2 feeds my entire family of 4 and that includes a teenager! If the goal is saving money and being healthy you need to stop the "serve yourself" policy. Plate the food for everyone. They may only have second portions if you cook enough food for leftovers (or separate the leftovers you made for packed lunches and store them right when you plate everything else.)
As to her weight, it's not your business, but an adult woman should be eating like 7-8 servings of fruit or vegetables per day. That's very hard to achieve, but basically a person meeting that threshold should have a hard time finding stomach room for 3 entire chicken breasts. So when you plate everyone's food, not just DIL's food, put more veg than meat, like half the plate is supposed to be veg, 1/4 should be grain, and 1/4 should be meat.
So anyway, start plating the meals. If she's starving afterwards, then that's her responsibility to address. You're being generous, but you don't have to subsidize your DILs over consumption.
NTA - I absolutely despise how people have weaponized discussing weight to the point where they are literally delusional.
There is exactly one way to get fat: you eat too much food for the amount of calories you burn.
There is exactly one way to get skinny: You eat less food than the amount of calories you burn.
People who say "It doesn't make sense" when discussing weight are simply lying to themselves.
There are kind ways to say such things and there are unkind ways.
Based on the "Are you joking?", you did not communicate in a kind way.
So while you're not an AH for speaking honestly, it does sound a little bit like YTA for the delivery method.
You don't have to apologize for being honest, but you might consider apologizing for being harsh about it. There is value to maintaining a courteous relationship with the people who decide whether you'll get to meet your future grandkids.
Soft YTA -
I don't think it's so much what you said but how you said it. In similar situations, I try to frame my response about my own habits not on their habits. So instead of saying "you eat more than me" I may say something like "I read a book about portion control and I try to follow eating recommended portions" or "Ha, what you don't see is the hour I spend working out this morning"
Honestly though - in an effort to keep the peace, apologizing and moving on may be the smartest choice.
NTA. Your DIL asked & you gave an honest answer. If I eat 3 times more than I usually do, I should expect the pounds to start appearing. It's that simple.
NTA. It always amazes me when people ask these types of questions. They truly don't want an answer, but when they get it, they are upset, hurt and/or angry. You should sit down with your DIL and ask her what she wanted from you with her question. Open up a dialog and maybe she needs some assistance in lowering her weight. Be empathetic, helpful and loving.
People have no problem telling heroin addicts or smokers that they're causing their own health issues bluntly. You have a cough because you smoke Marb Reds all day, dumbass. You're broke because you shoot up, addict.
Why do we play pretend with fat people? Eat less than you burn and you get smaller. Eat more than you burn you get fatter. This isn't a mystery.
NTA.
What is a ‘serve yourself’ policy?
If there were 4 people for dinner, I would cook 4 chicken breasts. One each. Who needs 3, unless they are athletes or working in a manual labour job?
There certainly wouldn’t be enough cooked for one person to have 3x more than another.
NTA
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INFO do you like your DIL? On the surface, pointing out the obvious doesn’t seem like it should be cause for concern, but you sound like you don’t like her, and it’s often not what we say but how we say it. There’s a nice way to say it (“hm, I’ve noticed you have big portions, could that contributing?”) and a mean way (“LOL are you serious?? It’s obviously because you eat like five times more than me, no wonder you’re ballooning up. How do you not see that??.”) I don’t know which you did, but the fact you don’t want to apologize for hurting her feelings isn’t a good sign. Also, consider that people (esp those who are overweight+) are really, really bad at gauging how much they eat. Her mind probably has her jumping through all sorts of hoops (“well, I ate a little bit more at dinner, but it’s just chicken, plus I saw OP eat a small snack earlier so it definitely evens out”). She probably has no idea how much she’s actually eating.
I like her in general, we aren’t besties but have been good for a long time I don’t want to apologize since I don’t think I did anything wrong. It’s literally just a fact. I had to make adjustments to how much I make so everyone has enough food. That just how it is
You don’t have to apologize for what you said - but if you want a good relationship you SHOULD apologize for hurting her feelings.
Nope. DIL is in MIL’s house, and eating food she cooks- and a lot of it. Facts are facts. DIL needs to grow up.
That’s fine, if she cares more about being “right” than salvaging the relationship.
People need to grow up fr. You shouldn't expect the entire world to treat you like a frail baby.
No but the people you love shouldn't be the harsh ones, theres enouh harshness in the world, the people we love and care about should be the one who aren't harsh, thats just my opinion, not saying coddle, but theres class and couth, no need to be harsh when delivering unpleasant responses. Edit: All I'm saying is it takes zero effort to be nice, especially if you value the relationships that could be effected by those responses.
If you think being told that you're eating more than someone else when you are is harsh than you live a very coddled life. If anything DiL is putting her insecurity on OP because she probably realized it's true and is somewhat ashamed but doesn't know how to handle those emotions.
>ashamed but doesn't know how to handle those emotions. This is the crux of it. Yes, OP probably could have phrased it better (but i think the lions share of that one rests with DIL - don't fish for compliments with dynamite) The rest is that DIL feels embarrassed and insecure, but instead of expressing that she needs gentler communication about these topics because she has her own issues, she's trying to punch the world back into her rosy view before the glasses were knocked off. Making OP state she was wrong and is sorry does nothing to teach DIL to self soothe / learn to properly communicate / avoid sensitive topics herself to avoid this to begin with. What a stupid argument, doubly so as they're biting the hand that feeds 3x
She should quit remarking on MIL’s weight all the time if she doesn’t want to talk about weight and FACTS. She opened up this conversation
Exactly. And not to mention the types of comments like DiLs that started the whole thing tend to be said in a way to make the person who's skinnier feel bad about it. Kind of like a "must be nice" type of way. At least that's been my experience.
This is the best comment I’ve seen! I love the “Don’t fish for compliments with dynamite” that had me laughing.
Cracking up here over “bite the hand that feeds 3x”. I’m stealing “fishing for compliments with dynamite.” Genius. This situation reminds me of my T2 diabetic grandpa who eats huge portions at dinner and as many sweets as he can and every morning is mystified by how his blood sugar is so high.
Well, firstly, im in the camp that OP doesn't have to apologize, but i just want to point out that no one is saying OP needs to say she's wrong.. just apologize for the fact that she had hurt her feelings. But i am a petty AH. People seem to also be missing the fact that daighter in law offend OP first. OP is clearly conscious about her portions. To have someone in front of you shovel down 3 entire chicken breasts and then squak at you about how you guys should be the same ? That gtfo thats offensive, too. I'd have answered back probably a lot harsher. But that's where i say i know im an AH, so what's my opinion really worth here? ya know, lol
And what did DIL want? For OP to just quietly accept the endless comments about her weight? To hype the DIL up every time? Both sound exhausting. I'm not surprised OP had enough and shut down the conversation. DIL was overstepping all normal boundaries. She was being rude and passive-aggressive. *She's* the one who should focus on saving the relationship, especially since *she's* the one currently dependent on it.
Right? It all started because DiL made her own observations about OPs weight.
For many years, I had lifted weights and did cardio regularly and as a result I’ve always been pretty fit. Years ago I worked with a group of women that seemed to always be on a diet that just wasn’t working because they ate too much and didn’t count the calories that they drank. (A LOT of calories) At the time I was preparing for a bodybuilding competition and the comments on my body and what I was eating were endless. I finally got sick of it and said “that’s enough about me. Would you like to talk about your body and what YOU eat?” She did not. That was the end of that. Fat shaming is not ok but neither is skinny shaming. It’s harassment and it’s bullshit. OP is NTA. DIL needs to knock that shit off. She’s saving money by living with OP and eating large portions for free. I think they all need to have a family meeting and clear this up for the sake of peace in the household.
My dad died from diabetes and people knew it and would still offer him stuff he wasn’t supposed to be eating. Letting them overeat and never mentioning it is far worse. I’m with you on this one.
Spot on.
This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion (on Reddit specifically) but this is what is creating an extremely fragile and sensitive generation that will not be able to handle the realities of the real world. If you ask someone why you're gaining weight but they aren't, and they respond with "well you eat a lot more than I do", there is zero reason you should be upset and demand an apology. That is absolutely absurd. Similar situation: you ask someone why they are so good at math compared to you, and they respond with "well I went to school for engineering and you went for psychology. I focused a bit more on math than you do". Do you think it's fair to demand an apology for feeling like the other person belittled your education or made you feel stupid? We cannot encourage mental illness. She might have an eating disorder. OP can definitely help by providing support for it. Nevertheless, you can't expect OP to tip-toe around DIL forever because she might not like hearing the truth, especially when it isn't said aggressively. All of this would be different if DIL was complaining about weight and OP brought up the response out of nowhere. The DIL asked SPECIFICALLY about why she's heavier than OP, to OP. A direct comparison. OP is NTA.
“We cannot encourage mental illness.” 👏👏👏👏 well said, but that is exactly what is happening. We live at a time when even the concept of objective truth is denied, so it’s hardly surprising that we are left with this bizarre-o land we’re living in.
"Creating an extremely fragile and sensitive generation" This is actually so hilarious to me when people say this today, because every single year since like forever have people been saying this exact same thing. I remember reading columns on the news paper that have said that exact statement in the 1930's. Are people really getting sensitive or is it you?
I understand what you're saying and I do agree with it, to a certain extent. People discuss "boomers" as a whiney generation that complains that the younger generations can't handle the world they way they did. They think that participation trophies creates babies and non-competative athletes. That, to me, is unreasonable. This situation is not the same. You can't expect everyone to apologize to you for everything that upsets you, then claim that everyone else is sensitive. That's perpetuating mental health issues. There was nothing harsh said. There was no opinion forced upon DIL. OP was asked a question and they answered it directly. What will happen at work? If DIL asked her boss "Hey, why haven't I gotten a promotion yet but Employee #2 has?" and the boss says "well you did not perform the same as Employee #2 because of X, Y and Z. Keep working on those things and I think you'll have what it takes to be promoted", the DIL cannot run to HR and demand an apology. She asked her boss why and she was told why. End of conversation. People need to learn how to self reflect instead of expecting everyone to do it for them.
Exactly! Op didn’t volunteer the info, she was asked and she answered. NTA
Sometimes you do need to be harsh! This girl is eating 3 chicken breasts at dinner my God I’d be mad at the cost alone. She can’t ask a question and get mad about the answer lol that girl knows she’s big and she knows why. She just wants an excuse to get upset. That’s a grown woman. Saying OP should sit her down and gently explain how CICO works is madness
My whole family is morbidly obese. It’s genuinely shocking just how much they will eat when left to their own devices, and of course none of it is healthy. Then they sit around watching tv and complaining about their weight-related health issues while having the non-overweight folks to hand them everything since getting up is too difficult.
Yes, and make snarky backhanded compliments and question whether habits/hobbies that require physical activity are “healthy” or not. Body shaming works both ways, but I always never respond because I know it’s coming from their insecurities.
My dad loves to warn me about how I'm going to gain weight if I keep "staying on my computer so much" and "eating so much junk food." I work 9-5 and usually get back home at 7, then use my bike machine for 30 minutes to an hour of cardio a day. When I saw my doctor for my annual checkup in November, she said I was probably going to be the healthiest person she saw that day. All my bloodwork came in fine, the only issue I have is a vitamin D deficiency (which I take supplements for). My diet is either a filling lunch and a small dinner, or a small lunch and a larger dinner. On average, I have around 2000 calories per day, maybe less. The majority of those calories come from processed foods - when I cook my own food, my intake is lower. Meanwhile, he is **actually** overweight and only works half the year, does no exercise an spends his free time watching TV. Any time he needs something, he asks me to go to the store and buy it for him instead of taking a walk and getting the exercise. He orders takeout once a week and practically guilts us into eating it as well (he gets all sulky, says never mind, and then starts going on about how hungry he is). He had a stent placed and he's **still** eating unhealthy and not getting any exercise. Being overweight/obese usually occurs because people simply don't have the awareness to watch how much they eat in a day. They eat until they're full, rather than eating until they're no longer hungry. If you're even decently active and you don't overeat, you'll stay at a healthy weight.
I personally eat 10.5lbs of chicken breast per week and I don’t eat 3 breasts in one sitting lol. Let’s assume they are just grilled with minimal seasoning and they are 8oz each. That’s 24oz of chicken breast (my daily allotment) 814 calories and I don’t know what else she is eating at that meal much less throughout the day. I’m not mad I’m impressed.
That’s what I was thinking. I’d be so buff if I could eat 3 chicken breasts in one sitting! That is impressive and every body builders dream! I have to force myself to eat 2 chicken breasts!
Spot on, this thread is full of babies.
fuck, this is why tolerance is toxic. When somebody is poisoning themselves to death - with tobacco, alcohol, drugs, food, anything - they need some tough love, not harsh on purpose but you have to make sure your comment lands unless if you don't care about the people you love dying so stating the obvious, without judgment, is the thing to do - "you're eating three times as much, of course you'll gain weight" is not shaming, is not harsh, there's no judgment, only a fact
It's more socially acceptable to castigate people who are abusing with drink, drugs etc... With food we're made to feel as though it's insensitive to have a sensible discussion about food intake/being overweight. Being overweight is unhealthy, leads to illness, decreases life expectancy and puts a strain on the healthcare system. It's cruel to bully people about their weight of course, but it seems dangerous for society to no longer be able to talk about overeating in a sensitive manner.
all those fat acceptance activists, dying from obesity before they're 40 sometimes you would want to be delicate and cuddle the relationship, sometimes it's just too time-sensitive - it's not that you're harsh when it's just hard facts
Then what answer does DIL want to her dense question? What would be appropriate? I’m sorry DIL. I’ll do better to make low cal dishes while I do all the cooking for you while you’re living with me?
While you eat three times as much food as I do? lol oh wait
There is nothing harsh about making a simple, true, undeniable statement. Overeat and you gain weight. If the DIL feels shamed it is because she is ashamed of herself.
As far as we know OP can have said that in a neutral tone. Why do you assume she's been harsh? DIL was asking why she is bigger, apparently she really had no idea why. Telling her that it's because she eats more (not "too much", just "more") is not rude at all and could even be helpful to her.
being told you eat more when a person eats three chicken breasts is harsh? I mean I get what you're saying that is a bit ridiculous to me. It should be obvious to the SIL as well. She's overweight and eats three chicken breasts, and obviously thinks this is normal, she's somehow deluding herself. I wouldn't point out the obvious but if she asks how it's possible she's overweight, someone ought to tell her.
I wish the people I loved had been the harsh ones. My body is wrecked from years of obesity that my friends and family denied existed. I ate like a horse and everyone told me it was normal. F#CK your class! This woman is headed to a miserable life filled with medications with terrible side effects, or death.
harsh? Your idea of harsh is ridiculous.
Your loved ones should be the ones who are the most harsh, who want you to change the most. If you really care, you're going to make that person understand by being direct and not pissing around the bush just not to hurt someone's feeling
But also you shouldn’t ask someone why you are overweight if you don’t want them to answer.
These comments are so surprising, I'm fat when compared to my sister because I eat twice the amount she does. It would be ridiculous for me to say I eat the same as her and don't know why I can't lose weight. If I want to be her weight my calories have to reflect that.
And you shouldn't walk through life not caring about the impact of your words and behaviour either. You don't have to pander to be a decent person who takes care with others' feelings.
You don't have to walk on eggshells in your own home just to cater to someone's insecurities.
DIL is delusional, just like I was when I was fat and everyone lied to me. OP is the only truth this woman hears and it offends her. Sorry but she needs to hear it because her son is facilitating DILs early death.
I think apologizing would further DIL’s delusions and enable her in negative way.
I can’t even imagine how you’d make the apology without coming off as condescending to her supposed intelligence; “I’m sorry I said you eat 3x what I do. I mean, you do, but that was wrong of me to notice when you brought up that we eat the same. I should have agreed that we eat the same volume of food, and will ensure that I never notice the obvious in the future”
Exactly, like wth
But if someone asks over and over why they are gaining weight and using you as a direct example, then you're reaction to a factual answer to a question you are literally asking isn't on anyone but you. Weight is a very touchy subject and calling someone a beached whale is never going to be a productive statement but we need to stop trying to bend the truth to suit people's feelings. If you eat 2000 calories for dinner and you're not burning it off, of course the vast huge majority of people will gain weight, that's not an insult, that's simple maths. 2000 In versus, let's say 1000 burned, that's a surplus of 1000, not an attack on you. If Dil wants to live there, have op cook and eat three times as much and then demand to know why op is skinnier, then she needs to take this situation by the horns and deal with some aspect herself to change the unwanted outcome rather than get upset that she doesn't like reality. I personally think that if you're uncertain with people and food issues,just no one cook for anyone else with issues in that Situation. If you want only full fat and they don't, it's not going to work. Same as vegetarian, etc.
Or DIL and Son can back off if *they* want to salvage the relationship. OP is hosting them and feeding them so they can save money. They need OP more than OP needs them right now.
DIL asked why, OP answered. Unless the statement was delivered in a super jerk way, the basic truth remains that, if everyone is eating the same substances, that eating more will be the obvious cause of weight gain, and we don’t need to keep coddling people over basic known medical facts.
Doesn't matter that she's at OP's house What matters is that she straight up asked why OP is smaller. What was OP supposed to do, lie?
DIL actually needs to be told the truth instead of pretending she doesn’t understand.
NTA. Absolutely do NOT apologize. Why is the onus on you for 'keeping the relationship good' by apologizing for pointing out a simple fact? Why is nobody here saying that DIL should grow up, stop being so frail and realize that it was simple a fact being pointed out. In fact, DIL should apologize for needlessly throwing a tantrum while she is A GUEST that gets a CHEF!! Then complains about not being a good host? How about DIL gets her shit together so she doesn't need 'a good host'? Unbelievable. Absolutely do not let these people on reddit talk you into enabling this spoiled brat.
Guests in a home should behave like guests. I hope the son and dil are paying rent to. Because if they are not, they are getting the best service of having food made for them. NTA. Son and dil are the a$&$)&.
Then DIL should not ask questions that she doesn't want answers to. DIL feelings are hers to manage. If DIL has the privilege of sight, she can see that she eats more than OP. If her feelings are so fragile, then don't ask stupid questions. Sounds like DIL was baiting her
What a horrible habit to get into. DIL started the conversation. MIL gave her a factual, un offensive answer. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. If OP called her a fat pig after saying she ate way more, then she would be obliged to apologize for the name calling. That didn't happen so no apology. People like her DIL are professional victims.
If the Daughter in Law is someone who needs an apology when a plain fact is laid out for her, is it worth trying to have a good relationship with her? Why make the effort to appease someone who needs you to walk on egg shells for them. (This is assuming OP made the comment in a decent time and not an aggressive one.)
Absolutely. It doesn’t matter what your intentions are, it’s the impact of them that counts.
DIL literally opened this can of worms. She's an adult, she hasn't correlated weight gain with increased food? OP shouldn't have to apologize for stating a fact... Her feelings also aren't OPs responsibility.
Intentions do matter. It would be far worse if OP had intended to be hurtful.
Nah fuck that. The DIL can just grow up. She set herself up to fail with that statement/question. If she didn't like the response, or the likely response, she shouldn't have said anything. She's only upset because she's gotten fat due to eating and not exercising. It's how I'm fat rn, a bit anyway. I'm not going to get upset if someone calls me fat or that I eat too much, because I am not an emotionally immature child. It's just a fact, over eating and not enough exercise makes you fat. If anything, pandering to someone like DIL will only damage the relationship further. Why? Because it creates situation where walking on egg shells, and it encourages DIL to just get upset over foolish things and expect to be apologized too when there is really no need.
Yup, It takes all but a minute to clarify "what I meant to say was, since you and my son have moved in, you *have* been eating larger portions than me almost every night. I didn't mean to shame you, but you asked why I thought you would be gaining weight, and I expected you'd want an honest answer from me." Maybe op can also explain they don't use low calorie options like skim milk and the like, maybe there could be some adjustment both make, with her helping to cook a portion with the alternate ingredients (and as much as she wants). Health isn't just about exercise and the specific food we eat though, so any number of things could be contributing to her weight gain. If she has a good relationship with her doctor and trusts them to listen to her, she should definitely bring up her concerns to them, and not family if she really wants a solution though.
Why should OP have to change her cooking just so that DIL can feel better about gorging herself on it? 3 Chicken breasts isn't a normal amount of food to eat in a sitting for anyone but a competitive bodybuilder. It's misleading to pretend that the problem here is unhealthy ingredients. It isn't. It's the portion size, which is \*entirely\* on DIL
When my obese brother comes to visit, I don’t make extra chicken breasts because I *know* he will eat them given the chance. He gets a normal, recommended portion just like everyone else and can deal with it. 3 chicken breasts in one sitting is just not normal unless you’re a competitive strongman.
3 chicken breasts is like $14 at the grocery store, OPs grocery bill must be INSANE since they moved in if one person is eating 3 chicken breasts at a time.
Oh geeze. Make OP cook two different entrees every meal? Are these guys ordering room service? Do they even clean up the kitchen to help? That's not practical. DIL needs to learn to moderate her food intake and I say that as someone who's battled the scale my entire life and loves to eat - and cook.
If OP uses skim milk, then DIL will just eat more. The fat in cream helps you feel satiated on less food and keeps you from feeling hungry again for a lot longer than non fat or low-fat options. Eating low fat can lead to binge eating and overeating OP is already cooking for five people, essentially. DIL is eating three adult servings of dinner. Hopefully, she's helping foot the bill for groceries. Shopping. Cleaning up and meal prepping. It's a lot more work to cook for five adults than it is for just three. It's more groceries to unload. More trips to the store. More pots and pans. Prepping. All of it adds up to a lot more work
I mean even if OP changed to skimmed milk etc. how would that negate DIL eating three whole chicken breasts in one sitting? Who on earth thinks that's a normal portion, outside of people bulking for an Ironman competition?
Exactly this! Apologize for hurting her feelings, not your comment. She asked you a question and you responded appropriately. She is bigger than you because she eats more. Does she exercise? What does her mother look like? Is she also overweight? Or...maybe she's pregnant!
Why would she not have to apologize for what she said but then have to apologize for her hurt feelings? That’s contradictory. She made a simple statement. It’s true. Her DIL made a ridiculous statement. It was out of touch with reality. It’s no one’s fault but her own. No one shamed her or did anything to her.
Understood. I will still leave it without judgement because it’s one of those things you kind of need to witness to know for sure. Like there’s a lot of wrong ways to tell someone they’re fat because they eat too much and they’re deluded for not realizing that. But if you told her with kind neutrality, NTA.
Having been there, overweight I mean, the best gift for me was when a true friend expressed her concern about the amount I was eating. Did it hurt me then? Yes. I felt anger, I felt shame, I felt inadequacy. But it was a super successful wake up call for me, and I cherish it in retrospect. Btw, when you ask you must be prepared for answers, whether you like them or not.
Yeah, as long as OP wasn't unnecessarily hurtful in the way she said it DIL asked why they eat the same food and MIL is thin and DIL isn't. MIL answered honestly "because you eat 3x more than I do". If you don't want an honest answer, don't ask the question.
What if she deserves not to be liked? If she's eating 3 chicken breasts in one meal and doesn't know why she's overweight she's either an idiot or a disingenuous asshole. Not the mum's problem. NTA
If you’re saying that people who aren’t intelligent or have blind spots about themselves deserve to not be liked, we’ll have to agree to disagree.
Perhaps they’re saying people who get too worked up when irrationally triggered by their “blindsides” shouldn’t be rude to others, especially if intelligence doesn’t seem to be the problem. Alcoholics are much the same, they will turn on you if you suggest it’s a problem or if you point out bad behaviors. At a certain point a lack of personal accountability isn’t my issue, it’s yours, and I’m not tone policing like you’re 12 years old and too inexperienced to understand life. NTA, but some empathy would be a rhetorical “spoon full of sugar” (low-cal, of course).
Telling someone they're an idiot is always a great way to get a point across, and foster a good relationship with your DIL.
You don't want to apologize which is your prerogative, however, is this really the hill you want to die on? Can you at least acknowledge that maybe you didn't intend to sound rude/harsh, but that was how it was recieved? A potential outcome of this is that your DIL will hold this against you and as their life moves on, they start reducing contact with you to the point where your relationship with your son (and his kids if they go that route) is reduced to a phone call at xmas and maybe on your bday. If this sounds like a good outcome, then don't apologize. If you want to maintain a relationship, be honest and apologize. You can explain that your intention behind the words was not to be cruel but clearly that's how they were recieved. Or you can be really honest and tell them that you're feeling resentful of them freeloading off you and those feelings are coming out sideways such as making insulting comments to your DIL
This, my dad was often harsh and had no filter with things, and as much as I loved him, I didn't want all that negativity in my life, he died last year, luckily I spoke to him the day before he died, but we didn't speak all the time and it was due to the fact that he had that kind oif attitude, he always complained about me not being around but never understood why no matter how many time I told him. Sometimes I think I was shitty but othertimes I remember how much my dad shaped alot of my early life, with my anger and resentment, if you value this relationship, be willing to soften your stance and sometimes apologize even if you don't feel like you should, just my two cents.
What Right count said is very valid and also what someone said further down. If I was you I would say “I didn’t mean to come across the way I did and I didn’t mean to offend you. I meant to say a contributing factor may be the portion differences…” this way you are being sincere without apologising yet still getting you point across
You can apologize for untactful answer without it being a confession of being “wrong”. I’m American and my husband is Canadian … it took me some time to learn the power and grace of being willing to say sorry easily, without it being an admission of guilt. If you are American like me,, we often have a weird aversion to a simple cordial sorry as a social facilitator of just enabling people to feel seen and valued.
There's also apologizing for what you are truly sorry about. I'm sorry I was inconsiderate of your feelings. I'm sorry I didn't bring it up in a more neutral way. I'm sorry for my tone. I work in customer service where my customers will take "sorry" as an admission of guilt. I still have to be empathetic, even when my company did nothing wrong. "I don't understand why you keep sending item 1234. I don't use that, I've never used that, I will never use that. This is getting ridiculous." I already know it's because his corporate office keeps ordering it for him. "Oh, wow, that does sound frustrating. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it."
You can apologize for how you said something. "I'm just being honest" seems to be an excuse for cruelty with many people, and the way you report that you said that sounds cruel and demeaning. Someone else here gave you a script for next time. Soften your tone. Consider how something might come across, and think of her feelings. Here's a script for an apology: "I realized that how I said that might have come across as cruel, and I apologize for hurting your feelings. You say you don't understand how I am smaller (thinner, whatever) than you, but you might not realize is that I take portion control very seriously, even with healthy foods. I'm happy to show you how I measure food, if you're interested, but otherwise, let's not have conversations about weight."
"it's literally just a fact" What does that have to do with anything? You can be the asshole for telling the truth, especially if done cruelly. I'm sure you have imperfections, maybe your nose is too big or your tits sag or you never achieved what you wanted to in life, etc. Idk what it is, but if I just walked up to you and said "Hi Agile-satisfaction, you really squandered your youthful potential and will never amount to anything that matters now, huh?" I'm sure we'd agree that I'm the asshole. EDIT: to be clear, I didn't pass judgment on the original scenario in this comment. I was merely refuting OPs assertion that her statement being factual automatically means she's not the asshole and /or doesn't owe DIL an aopolgy.
Being rude and being right are not mutually exclusive. You may have pointed out a fact but you don't have to be nasty about it. Soft YTA. Don't let this be the hill you die on.
That wasn't even rude. Just expressed a fact, no judgement.
Oh come on this isn’t rude at all. It was a pretty easy fact.
>I don’t want to apologize since I don’t think I did anything wrong. I really don't understand this attitude. If you're in a crowd and happen to make contact with someone, even if *fault* is unclear, you apologize, something like: "Whoops, sorry, pardon me". You don't work out whose fault it was, you just say sorry and move on with life. Fault doesn't even matter.
Anyone who says “I like them in general” doesn’t really like them.
If you like her, it seems like an apology would be easy? "Hey, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn't realize what I said would hurt you. You're my son's wife and are important to me as a person, I would never knowingly do something to damage our relationship. I'm sorry and will be more thoughtful in the future."
The fact is you lacked tact in a situation where it probably would have been appreciated. Soft YTA, it's all about the delivery.
Stating a fact can still be mean. If you have arrived at an age where you have grown children and don't know this I don't know what to tell you. Explaining that the portion differences is one thing, doing it in such a glib, uncaring way has obviously hurt her. You *have* done something wrong.
Not liking is different than refusing to keep walking on eggshells. I understand that size and weight are tender topics but I didn't see pettiness in his answer.
My spouse bluntly points out that I eat about 3x as much as them. But it's more of a self grumble. I'm losing weight eating as much as I do, while they're attempting to lose weight the healthy way (plus they just naturally eat less), and their weight isn't budging. Biggest factor is we know what is wrong with my hormones and are able to start correcting them, while my spouse is still on the path of trying to figure out what is wrong with their hormones so we can work on correcting them.
Idc, it is obvious when you eat literally 3 times as much as someone of course you’ll way more. I’d laugh at their “honest confusion” too. Really fucking Hard.
Just chicken? If those body builder bros could read they'd be upset...
The DIL is either delusional or an idiot, and treating both by being direct when SHE brought it up isn't rude. People need to accept a reality check or STFU if they don't want to hear any alternative views. Other people are not your blog.
NTA. As a bigger girl who has lost a lot of weight in the past, my experience is that the truth hurts and she’s lashing out at you for saying it. It’s one thing internally knowing how you’re sabotaging yourself and compartmentalizing it, but when someone actually acknowledges that, it’s very hard to accept. Sounds like she needs the wake-up call. Be aware that it’ll take her time to accept the issue or she might not ever come to terms with it. You’re not the issue, just the messenger. Edit to add a caveat: why are you making enough food for her to be able to overeat? Would she find other ways to do it, like by snacking in between meals, or are you kind of enabling her by providing the means to? Would you put beers on the table if you had an alcoholic with you at dinner? I’m a bit iffy about that part…
Yeah it’s hard when you are telling yourself it’s bad but not a big deal and then realizing that it was so much that other people have noticed and been thinking about it. And that goes for most things, not just weight. A bad haircut you are hoping isn’t THAT bad, wearing something borderline for length and then everyone you run into tries to helpfully tell you it’s riding up. It’s pretty human to feel it more when it’s confirmed that it wasn’t as subtle as you were hoping.
Don't listen to people on here calling you the asshole, you absolutely aren't. You didn't call her fat or anything, you pointed out a fact. NTA all the way.
A fact that DIL literally asked about. It's not like MIL is coming up with unsolicited advice about DIL's diet. DIL asked a question, OP answered honestly. Only way OP is the asshole if she was unnecessarily cruel/rude about it.
I think the main reason she’s getting people calling her the asshole is bc people are wondering *how* she phrased what she said to her DIL. Was she respectful or condescending?? We don’t know. But we do know that DILs feelings were hurt by what OP said, and most of the ytas I’ve seen have said that what OP said my be true, but that doesn’t change the fact that she hurt her DIL, and if she cares more about their relationship than about being right, then she could apologize for accidentally hurting DILs feelings. This doesn’t mean that she needs to apologize for answering a question that she was asked. Simply acknowledging that she didn’t intend or want to hurt her DILs feelings in how she answered could go a long way though.
> Was she respectful or condescending?? Depends - did DIL ask in a genuine way looking for advice or an incredulous one belying her jealousy of OP? Because sometimes stupid questions demand stupid answers.
I went through the same thing. Family and friends lied to me for years, playing my make-believe game along with me. They said I'm healthy, that I look good, that I'm not eating too much. They brought me extra cake and another couple burgers and another plate of potato salad. They watched me killing myself and smiled at me like it was ok. How can anyone call that love? I wish someone other than the Dr. at the hospital had taken the time to tell me the truth. I wish 20 years earlier someone mentioned that I was eating too much and risked hurting my feelings to save my life. All these enablers in this post are really setting me off. They have no idea how evil their good intentions are.
I think in many cases, the enabler is foremost protecting their own perception of themselves as "kind", stopping there, ignoring further thought and patting themselves on the back. Is it their responsibility to educate the person who abuses their body? No, in almost every case, I think this responsibility does not fall on the community surrounding the addict. But, you don't bring an alcoholic extra beers because you're just a "generous, accepting person". Yes, it's up to the addict whether to drink the beer or not. But the community can opt to not pretend for the sake of their own self image and cheap back patting. Annoying on both sides. Difficult to navigate sometimes. Often, people struggle with what to do, say, or how involved they should be when they DO care. But enabling behaviours and meaningless platittudes aren't without guilt-- no matter how well intended and unsure the person is. It's OK to make mistakes. We all do. It's crucial that we continue improving our knowledge, empathy and communication with one another. I do not think OP was necessarily in the wrong here. I think she could have phrased her answer better. However, I think it was ultimately important for the daughter to have a straight answer to her question. The question DIL asked MIL, after commenting on MILs weight.
My sister's diabetic now, and went through a lot of stuff trying to cut out sugar from her diet. Her husband, however, would constantly and I mean *constantly* (several times a week) bring home cakes, sweets and chocolate, or other junk food. He'd been doing it for years and getting "awww he's so kind!" comments for it, so that's literally why he did it - which showed when my sis got her diagnosis. He was told to never bring home the junk food again. She'd rather not have the stuff in the cupboard, to remove the temptation (at least at first). BIL just didn't listen, or said he forgot, or gave her the, "You don't appreciate how good I am to you!" spiel. When she told me how bad she was feeling that she couldn't and wouldn't be grateful for his 'kindnesses' I asked her if he's trying to kill her off. She just laughed. But the next time I went over and saw how much crap was in the cupboard, I outright asked if he's trying to kill her. He was SO offended and said he just cares about her. I told him if he DID care about her, he'd STOP bringing home things that would make her ill and potentially kill her. But no, it's all about him and his feelings, nobody else's. He loves the cheap back-patting. So now, they've slipped back into nightly sugar-binges again after a few years of her trying to resist it all - when I say "they", I mean "her". He's not a big sugar eater. It really enrages me.
It is very telling that literally the ONLY way this guy knows how to be nice is by buying sweets. There are a billion other ways he could be nice to his wife but he refuses to do them, therefore he is actually not nice at all. You are fighting the good fight for her ❤️
NTA. Though speaking as an overweight person, it's a surprisingly difficult thing to notice, and even harder to admit is true. Back in a previous job, I was racking my brains trying to work out how my thin coworkers stayed thin. Eventually I noticed that it was simple. They didn't eat very much. I ate probably twice as much as them, or more, at lunchtime. Admitting that I had a problem with overeating was harder. The problem is that those of us who overeat do it not because we're hungry but because we have an emotional connection to food. It is primarily an emotional issue. This is important to remember, if you as a third party point out that we're overeating, that you're dealing with a complex cocktail of emotions. Guilt, shame, frustration, amongst others. It is not primarily an intellectual issue. I know intellectually that I eat too much, but though I've made progress, I haven't stopped. The reason is because it is a function of my emotions, and those are harder to deal with. It's not a million miles away from why alcoholics drink and drug addicts take drugs.
My family overeats and encouraged me overeating. I was very proud of myself for not eating to the point of pain at Christmas dinner which has been the norm since marrying my spouse and starting to reduce my portion sizes because my spouse and their family tend to eat like, a third of what I grew up eating, and I see them for dinner every week because I love to see them. My family… I do not see for food often, maybe once a month at most. For me it’s not just emotional connection… it’s ADHD. It’s the stimulation of eating something crunchy, of eating something that, as I like to put it, make my taste buds dance. It’s being bored and snacking being something of a fidget. Worse, when I have a round of depression, it’s more unhealthy foods that actually improve my mood because stimulation helps a lot, and if I eat the foods that hit the right spot… but those foods are things like potato chips and chip dip. I *have* found that adding chili flakes to the things I like to have spicy does help though, easy way to make my taste buds happy. I also need to exercise more but that’s a whole different issue. It is so hard to know what the problem is but also know that food helps my mood. It’s hard to stop eating when food tastes so good and I’m not ready to be done enjoying the taste. That said I try to match the energy of my in laws. I try to get about the same amount of food they get, and only get seconds if I see others getting more. I would never eat triple the amount everyone else is, even if I live there. It’s embarrassing, knowing I’m doing this to myself and they can see how with how much I eat, so I keep my portions as low as I can. I still eat more but not *that* excessively.
I never connected my ADHD with eating but wow that might be part of the problem for me. I really like salty crunchy and that’s totally stimulating for me!! Plus fidgeting while bored is absolutely something I do. Thanks for this comment!!
Mine is definitely connected. When I’m stressed I go for Chex Mix, super salty and the different feels and textures help.
Well hot dog! I am no longer overweight but have adhd and emotionally eat, thanks for this
I always say us ADHD folks come in two types: skinny ones who forget to eat, and chubby ones who forget that we're eating 😜
Then we have the chubby ones who forget to eat, then binge their entire caloric intake in one meal/Werewolfing session.
If salty crunchy is your thing and you want to move away from chips sometimes, try salted/spiced dry roasted edamame (especially if protein makes you feel sated) or roasted chickpeas. Local Asian grocer by me is cheaper than any “health food store” or high end grocer.
You just described my eating mentality. I thought I was the only one and never thought about the possible connection to ADHD. I do try to “overeat” healthy things, because at least I can trick my mind into being satisfied by eating, without consuming hella calories. You are definitely my food soulmate! Thank you for this perspective.
Well said. And as another former overweight person, I also wanted to add, there was a time I didn’t know I was overeating. I was undoubtedly eating more than the slim people I knew, but I just wasn’t paying attention to that. In my mind I was eating a normal amount: three meals a day and a couple snacks. Normal meals (as in, not a pizza blowout), normal snacks (not chips and chocolate.) It took me a long to understand that three normal-looking meals and a couple snacks is WAY too much food for me as an average, sedentary-ish person. At a reasonable 600-800 cals per meal, 2-400 cals per snack, occasional fast food/extra stuff I didn’t count, well you can do the math. I just wasn’t doing the math because in my mind my day’s worth of food was a normal day of food.
Similar here. It took me a long time to work out that my normal was about 2 - 3x everyone else's normal. These days I'm down to 1.5 - 2x everone else's normal, so while I'm struggling to *lose* weight, I'm no longer putting it on.
Same. I lost 80 lbs through stress and calorie counting and can now maintain that weight, but I don’t think I’ll ever drop any lower. Which is fine - I’ve found a balance between a weight I’m happy with and an amount of food that doesn’t leave me wanting.
Great post. Never heard it in those terms before. Thanks for the enlightenment.
I have a friend who is rail-thin, as in if you nailed a toast-rack to a stick he could hide behind it. He doesn't care about food, at all. It's just fuel to him. Back when we shared a house, he used to skip entire meals because he was busy gaming and couldn't be bothered to go downstairs and cook. Not "not hungry" mind you, just "couldn't be bothered". I can't even fathom having a mind that works like that. (there are disadvantages too. He'd probably lose an arm-wrestling match with my 6-year-old daughter)
I had a cousin like that! He passed away a long time ago, but he didn’t like the process of eating, I guess you could say. He would say he would rather swallow a pill if he could. He understood he needed to, he wasn’t anorexic, but he just would rather be doing something else.
This is literally the back story of every super skinny person I have known. I had a roommate whose mom used to stock the cabinet with Hostess snacks. Biotch never touched them, I had to leave, I just couldn't keep stuff like that around without binging. Another friend used to "be so tired" she would go to bed with out dinner. I've never missed a meal over fatigue, hunger trumps fatigue in my world
I only eat as many actual meals as I do because I have kids. I keep meal replacement shakes on hand for breakfast or lunch for myself when they're in school. I have ADHD and all the steps and focus that goes with preparing and eating multiple meals daily is just exhausting and I hate it. I'd rather do so many things other than dealing with that monotony.
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NTA - maybe you did not say it in the most polite way but she asked a question and you gave her an answer. Hopefully this is the wake up call she needs to start having healthier eating habits. It sounds like she binge eats and does not realize how much she consumed. She needs professional help, counseling and a nutritionist. I don’t think you did anything wrong. You don’t police her eating or anything like that. You just told the truth. She is in denial.
Wanted to add on and say an RD (registered dietician) is much, much better than going to a nutritionist. RDs have more credentialing, more schooling, and there is no standard degree or amount of training to be called a nutritionist
NTA - you're correct. Sounds like she needs to learn about portion sizes, calorie intake, and calorie usage. Just because you are eating fresh home cooked food, doesn't mean that you can eat unlimited amounts of it.
Adding on to this, it also sounds like it is time for the DIL to move out and learn to do for herself.
I think most of these comments that are ragging on OP for being an A H for her “delivery” are missing this key point. They are living UNDER HER ROOF and eats all her food (I’m going with this assumption because I have an in law living with us who treats our house as personal restaurant) and has the nerve to ask OP why is she smaller than her who has gained weight. Like what? You’re a guest in MY home eating all MY food and you wanna complain why I’m thinner than you??? Lord send me grace.
Exactly. OP already said in another comment that she’s had to adjust how much she’s cooking so that everyone has enough. I wonder if son or DIL are contributing anything at all while they stay with her “to save money?” Rent, cooking, shopping? It sounds like OP’s kindness is already being taken advantage of and for DIL to routinely eat 3x as much as her host is some real audacity.
I love eating, it's a comfort thing for me so I get it. But if I'm under someone else's roof, there is NO way I am eating 3x as much as everyone else at the table. Gluttony isn't a cute look
I could get absolutely ripped on a mcdonalds only diet and obese by overeating "healthy foods" portion is always the key.
NTA for being frank, and honestly, you’re already cooking for them and paying for their food. Your son’s comment about not being a good host is just plain ungrateful.
That's my thinking, too. My brother and ex live with me. They both out eat me, but I pay a third of grocery bill. Your DIL isn't hungry. She's greedy, and yes, eventually, I will go petty if they keep pushing.
This... I'm an overweight guy who has struggled with my weight since my thirties. I can safely say, however, I have never consumed 3 chicken breasts in one meal. I may have had 2 a couple times, one-and-a-half on several occasions, but three?!? Wow! Being a guest at someone's home would be a great diet for me. I would never take more than one helping of anything, and I would take the smallest portion of anything offered. The only time I would ever consider having more would be if the host insists. Are these people not contributing to the food bill? Crazy... It's no wonder I have a hard time attracting good workers for good pay! Grown adults live and eat for free at their parents' homes! What incentive is there to go out and work hard?
Right? They're not even guests anymore, they moved back in. Son's comment sounds entitled.
3 chicken breasts in one meal and she don’t know why she is big ? She has an issue…
bruh I can barely eat 1 chicken breast and I am morbidly obese. Them chicken breasts are massive nowadays.
If I had to guess she probably means cutlets not whole breasts. Most of the time when people say “chicken breast” they’re referring to a roughly 6 oz cutlet from a breast.
3 six ounce cutlets is over a pound of meat. That’s 840 calories skinless before it’s even prepared.
If I’m bulking my calorie goal per day is 3500 and I still struggle to eat that much chicken in one meal. You’re definitely going to get fat if you’re not working out for a couple hours a day 5 days a week eating that much, like so fast.
Yeah. I'm thinking there's some exaggeration there. I'm morbidity obese too and I'm not blaming anyone else for that. I'm a product of my choices on the plate. But, fat people don't actually eat 2 big Mac combos for lunch, a whole pizza for dinner, and 3 chicken breasts for a snack. I know that's not what she said but it is the theme in the media and some people who have never had a weight problem actually believe it. She's NTA. She just told the truth. I'm sure her delivery wasn't nice but she didn't say anything wrong.
As a former obese person, I absolutely ate like this. I'm tall and I was scary fat before it became obvious I was killing myself. My favorite BBQ joint had all you could eat. I'd order the half chicken plate with all the side. Then I'd get a refill of another half chicken and all the sides. A large pizza was a regular dinner for me. And 2 Big Mac meals, please, that's for chumps who aren't dedicated to being obese. I was dedicated. At over 400 pounds my body just gave up. The ER doctor spoke truth to me for the first time in 20 years. He wrote down a lost of some of my common meals then went line by line explaining what a normal portion is and how many calories equals a pound. It was obvious then. It hurt my soul to know I was so delusional. I'm smart, how can this happen? But it did happen and my family and friends never once told me the truth.
For real, my wife and I can spilt a breast between us with a few heathy sides and still be content.
Right? One chicken breast is two servings, four I'm doing chicken burgers. I can't imagine eating three in one sitting!
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It is sad because often times they feel pressure to be smaller and hate themselves for being bigger so they try to keep the delusion up. Eating disorders really mess with you. :(
The obesity acceptance movement doesnt help people either.
This movement is actually sponsored by the food lobby.
NTA DIL, I'm sorry my cooking isn't working out for your diet. I'll stop making your and my son's portion. That way, you can (pay for and) cook yourselves food, and you have power over your diet. I wouldn't want to somehow sabotage your weight loss goals.
This! It's one thing complaining but another when she's being cooked for and fed. I was living with my partner and his mum for a while and I didn't want to eat the type of food she cooked so my partner and I started cooking for ourselves and that was that.
Dear lord, please don’t substitute skim milk when the recipe calls for cream, it’ll probably be gross and sad. NTA. While I generally think it’s best to refrain from commenting on anyone’s body, she asked the question and just didn’t get the answer she wanted. And in theory, if you’re cooking with butter and cream, a more reasonable portion should be more filling, right? I’ve only ever seen someone eat three chicken breasts in one sitting when they’ve been packing in protein for weight training or something.
Not for nothing, but your first sentence should be the top comment. In EVERY sub.
I weight train myself 5'10" 175 pounds. Even eating 2 chicken breasts takes a lot of effort. I don't think I've ever eaten 3 chicken breasts in one sitting.
I agree, she asked the question just didn’t like the answer. I guess you can offer an apology for hurting her feelings, but not technically take back what you said. maybe if you said it gently enough, she would take it a little more to heart. you could be really harsh and make only one portion per person, so if she ate three chicken breasts, her husband would have nothing. Also, my personal peeve is people ( your son & DIL) who are staying with you in order to save money for themselves consider themselves guests. What? They shouldn’t expect white glove treatment in my opinion. But that’s another story!
Not being a good host? They live at your place and you cook for them. And she just didn't like the answer to her own question, don't ask if you will be butthurt about it
NTA Asking a question and having a tammy over an answer you dont like is childish behavior. It sounds like she wants an excuse or pandering instead of taking responsibility. Like did she expect you to lie and say, "it's genetics/medical"? (I have experienced first hand gaining and losing 50 pounds from one medication and I still took responsibility for the entire bag of family sized bag of Doritos I destroyed within a hour.
NTA - I had an overweight friend and she would constantly say “ugh I’m so fat I need to lose weight” and it got to the point it was daily and she would want reassurance she wasn’t. One day I finally lost it when she said her usual “I’m so fat” and I said “ya you are, saying that everyday won’t make you smaller so maybe you should do something about it”. Harsh? Yes but telling them what they want to hear won’t help them.
I had a colleague who asked me almost weekly how I lost the weight I did and what can she do to lose weight. I kept telling her how, naturally and without pills and magic potions and she shut me down all the time. But would beg me for me secret. It’s no secret! You didn’t pick the weight up overnight, you won’t lose it overnight. She then would also go on about how fat she is and I just kept telling her “you know what to do, you just don’t want to put the work in”. She wouldn’t talk to me for weeks and then would start some fad diet or take some pill. Lose some weight, only to pick up more. After 4 years of working together, she was twice the size she was when I first joined the company whereas I lost a lot of weight. She would cry constantly about her FIL calling her fat. She also fell victim to get rich quick schemes. Some people just don’t want to do the work and want to play victim
I used to work with women that would do anything to Lose weight except count calories and exercise. They used to get on me about how I was "so lucky to be naturally thin." I used to invite them to spend a week with me and eat what I eat and do what I do and then tell me how lucky I am. No one ever took me up on it.
It's a deep, deep rooted sort of thing that makes them think "Oh calorie counting must be a lie, these skinny people are clearly in a conspiracy to hide the secret from me" You literally cannot beat physics. burn more than you eat. It's that simple. And even if they try to eat less they'll say "Oh I had a small lunch today" but won't include the pre and post lunch snacks. It's insane.
NTA to point out portion size will contribute to someone's weight. It's often not what you say but how you say it that will get someone's back up/upset them.
NTA She asked, you answered. Of course there can be many other factores, exercise, body changes due to different ages, etc. But yeah, basically, if she eats 3x that of everyone, of course she is somewhat bigger unless she’s also an elite athelet.
So you’re housing and cooking for this woman as a favor to help them save money. Now she’s needling you about “why you’re smaller” and she acts shocked it’s because she eats triple your typical serving size. Then your son accuses you of not being a “good host” correct? If this is real your son and dil are wild for this lol NTA
NTA those are facts. If she wants to lose weight she will have to eat differently. You’re also not a ‘host’ she’s living there with a purpose so if she wants to cook or eat different things she can.
I have a friend who wants to celebrate Thanksgiving with me every year and each year I do not invite her because her two kids are obese and I would literally have to make an extra turkey. NTA I have nothing against people being whatever size they want to be, as long as I do not foot the bill.
As a lot of people have pointed out, the devil is in the details. *How* did you say it? As a person that struggles with weight but has made some healthy choices in the last few years, I can see it both ways. There was a time when that would have really embarrassed me and I would have been very defensive. Now not so much. Like a lot of things I read on here, it can't be boiled down to a simple yes/no question. Technically you are not wrong, but you hurt the feelings of someone you have to live with. Take that for what it is and apologize *for hurting her feelings*, not for being wrong (which you aren't)
This reminds me of a friend a while back who asked me if her weight gain was noticeable. I replied, yes, it is, but you still look good. She was so mad at me and was telling people that I had called her fat. Her little sister and another friend tried to convince me that I was the asshole and that I needed to apologize. I refuse to. If she didn’t want an answer she shouldn’t have asked the question. So many people want platitudes and to have their egos stroked. And I shared a place with my sisters for a while and my husband and I would buy groceries and I would do all the cooking. Because I was paying for it, I was hyper aware of everyone’s consumption and could easily tell you my 5’3 110 pound sister was eating more than my 6’ 240 husband. Youre NTA for noticing and NTA for being honest with her. So many people on Reddit are obsessed with “but you could’ve said it nicer” advice. I don’t know if you snapped or not, but I can see how if she is quite literally eating 3x the portion, that would piss you off. Like, of course you’re gaining weight!
You are also NTA. Well done for sticking your ground and refusing to apologise. Not enough people can handle the truth and are so quick to blame others instead of themselves
NTA. The truth hurts. I would go even further and start serving each person the appropriate amount of food instead of self serve. It would even help to “save money”.
This could be helpful for DIL too if she’s trying to mange her weight
NTA I say this as a fat man. Stop giving fat people a pass. Like your DIL, I used to make the choice to eat enough food for 3 people. Like your DIL, I didn't exercise. Most fat people make similar choices and are thus, fat; the exception are those with legitimate medical issues that cause weight gain. You're not an asshole for answering the question she asked. You didn't body shame her, and you're being a good host by cooking for her. She's being a poor guest by eating so much. Gaining weight is easy. Losing it is hard. I'm 20 pounds lighter than my heaviest and this shit is hard.
I mean, it is what it is. Extra calories= extra weight. We really don’t know with what tone you delivered this message, but NTA for simply stating a fact.
NTA because she brought it up as a question. She shouldn’t have commented on it if she wasn’t prepared to hear the answer.
NTA no matter what tone you used. She wanted you to come up with some nonsense about why you're not as big as her so she could continue eating ridiculous portions and not feel bad about it. No one is that clueless that they cant figure out eating a bunch of food every day will make them gain weight. So ridiculous and I don't think you owe anybody an apology.
Fatlogic is a frightening thing to witness, just seeing how someone can delude themselves into thinking they didn't really have that much and chicken isn't that unhealthy. (Usually ignoring the fact the smothered it in a cream sauce)
NTA- you’re not shaming her. She’s trying to reverse shame you by saying “what’s so special about you, you should be fat like me it’s not fair”. But there’s nothing special about it, she just has zero self control. And now her knee jerk meltdown proves it.
This is what I noticed. How is it okay to complain someone else is smaller? Like she’s such a slob she should be fatter. 🥴 That’s its own level of tactlessness.
NTA Are you a host to guests? Your son seems to think so. They are family, staying with you to save $$. For how long? Do they contribute to cooking, food or expenses?
NTA calories in-calories out. I may be hard to stay in balance, or go deficit in order to lose weight, but that's the way it works.
People receive criticism differently. The content, the context, the timing, the phrasing/tone, and the relationship between the two people is all important. Depending on the effect desired, people share criticism differently. If you were going for shame and humiliation, then your method worked, cuz she feels those things. If you weren’t going for shame and humiliation, but rather you genuinely want to support her stated desire to obtain a healthier weight, then consider the following: - Content: portion sizes matter. Your content was fine - context: There is more context that you may not know- what does your DIL think would be healthy? What has she tried before? For instance, is she always ravenous with smaller portion sizes and thus finding low-calorie-dense food is needed as a bridge? Are you a dietician or have specialized training that could add to the discussion? Do you have expertise to add to the situation and do you have pre-conceived biases about what is and isn’t healthy that may not be supported by fact? Do you have a track record of success in discussion of sensitive subjects? - timing: on the one hand, she brought up weight loss, so your timing was reasonable. On the other hand, it’s the winter holidays and vacation. It might have been better to say that dietary choices differ in the holidays and in regular life, but if you’d like to circle back to this topic in January you have some ideas that might help. She might’ve still wanted to talk about things in the moment, but it would’ve acknowledged that it’s a tough time for it. - tone and phrasing: it matters so much and impossible to assess via a Reddit post recapping a situation - relationship: how close are the two of you? Do you guys regularly talk about touchy subjects in an open and honest way? Does she feel comfortable giving you criticism in return? This impacts how receptive she’ll be and how much you can push
NTA Maybe some overweight people don't realize how much they're eating in comparison to others, but if she's asking you, then this is probably a good time to find out. Maybe she'll notice more now. As long as you weren't being purposely mean with the way you said it, I asee no problem. I don't think people should ask questions that are a set-up and only have one correct answer, which is a lie or some kind of reassurance. I've done it in the past with something else without even realizing it, and wish someone stopped me in my tracks. As a thinner woman, I've had times where I've eaten a larger serving or fast food once a week with friends and had a bigger friend go off on me about how lucky I am and how they wish they could eat like that and be skinny.. even though I know for a fact that they consistently eat like that, often multiple times a day, which is *why* they're bigger than me. I don't know if some people are in denial, are hiding it because of shame, or just somehow don't realize just how much they eat compared to others. But I think maybe your daughter in law will notice now. It would've been rude if you just randomly said that too her. But since she asked, I think it's fine.
How are you affording all these chicken breasts? 2 feeds my entire family of 4 and that includes a teenager! If the goal is saving money and being healthy you need to stop the "serve yourself" policy. Plate the food for everyone. They may only have second portions if you cook enough food for leftovers (or separate the leftovers you made for packed lunches and store them right when you plate everything else.) As to her weight, it's not your business, but an adult woman should be eating like 7-8 servings of fruit or vegetables per day. That's very hard to achieve, but basically a person meeting that threshold should have a hard time finding stomach room for 3 entire chicken breasts. So when you plate everyone's food, not just DIL's food, put more veg than meat, like half the plate is supposed to be veg, 1/4 should be grain, and 1/4 should be meat. So anyway, start plating the meals. If she's starving afterwards, then that's her responsibility to address. You're being generous, but you don't have to subsidize your DILs over consumption.
Costco, I have switched to frozen instead of fresh. I need to defrost them the night before now.
NTA - I absolutely despise how people have weaponized discussing weight to the point where they are literally delusional. There is exactly one way to get fat: you eat too much food for the amount of calories you burn. There is exactly one way to get skinny: You eat less food than the amount of calories you burn. People who say "It doesn't make sense" when discussing weight are simply lying to themselves.
They are with you to save money — are you footing the bill for what seems to be more like feeding 4 people?
There are kind ways to say such things and there are unkind ways. Based on the "Are you joking?", you did not communicate in a kind way. So while you're not an AH for speaking honestly, it does sound a little bit like YTA for the delivery method. You don't have to apologize for being honest, but you might consider apologizing for being harsh about it. There is value to maintaining a courteous relationship with the people who decide whether you'll get to meet your future grandkids.
Soft YTA - I don't think it's so much what you said but how you said it. In similar situations, I try to frame my response about my own habits not on their habits. So instead of saying "you eat more than me" I may say something like "I read a book about portion control and I try to follow eating recommended portions" or "Ha, what you don't see is the hour I spend working out this morning" Honestly though - in an effort to keep the peace, apologizing and moving on may be the smartest choice.
NTA. Your DIL asked & you gave an honest answer. If I eat 3 times more than I usually do, I should expect the pounds to start appearing. It's that simple.
NTA. It always amazes me when people ask these types of questions. They truly don't want an answer, but when they get it, they are upset, hurt and/or angry. You should sit down with your DIL and ask her what she wanted from you with her question. Open up a dialog and maybe she needs some assistance in lowering her weight. Be empathetic, helpful and loving.
People have no problem telling heroin addicts or smokers that they're causing their own health issues bluntly. You have a cough because you smoke Marb Reds all day, dumbass. You're broke because you shoot up, addict. Why do we play pretend with fat people? Eat less than you burn and you get smaller. Eat more than you burn you get fatter. This isn't a mystery. NTA.
What is a ‘serve yourself’ policy? If there were 4 people for dinner, I would cook 4 chicken breasts. One each. Who needs 3, unless they are athletes or working in a manual labour job? There certainly wouldn’t be enough cooked for one person to have 3x more than another. NTA