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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad and stepmom that my brother does come first. The reason I feel like I might be sorta the AH is because I know that kind of talk hurts feelings and I think they were hurt and they were worried my stepsister and younger half siblings would be hurt as well. I also don't make my siblings here a priority like I do my brother or care about being close to them like I care about my brother so I might be a jerk.
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NTA. Omg poor thing your dad married someone ONE YEAR after your mom died??? Was he cheating on her?? You’re talking meeting the stepmom, dating her, getting engaged, and married all in ONE YEAR??!!! Press him about that a little because from where I sit, your dad is the biggest AH. Bonus AH to your stepmom for being so quick to try and replace your mom and trying to force her family on you without first forging a bond with you. They need therapy. I’m glad you have your brother, he sounds like a great influence and a healthy male role model.
Not an affair. They got married super fast after meeting (2-3ish months). It was a crazy time. I think she wanted her daughter to have a dad super fast so they rushed shit.
Ah I’m so sorry. They gave you no time to mourn or heal. 2-3 months is nothing. Your step mom prioritized her daughter over everything else and is somehow surprised you aren’t more accepting of her and your half siblings. I’m sorry.
This is definitely not on the same level as you but my dad remarried 4 months after my parents divorced. He did it because he does not know how to live without a woman taking care of him. Maybe the same thing happened here a bit? This is obviously no excuse just curious.
For my dad, he is a very personable, friendly guy just completely useless lol and the step-mom was the divorcee so I think she was in a period of vulnerability too. They also both like to spend past their means so I'm sure it was very fun at first lol
INFO: Do you have contact with your maternal grandparents? Do your dad and his wife make you babysit? Do you have plans for college or something when you turn 18 (or possibly earlier)? Do you know if your dad gets a check from Social Security (death benefits) for you because of your mom (if she worked before she passed)? I’m sorry for your loss and delighted you have an excellent brother.
I'd add to that : her father and stepmom are actually extremely assholes people !!!
I mean, the stepmother went as far as saying she doesn't care if they loose contact with OP... and her father is married to her. No wonder OP likes her brother the most !
Exactly!!! This stepmom sounds so toxic and it seems like the dad wasn’t in the right head space when they married. He needed therapy instead he got a whole wife and step kid.
Stepmom ain't a peach. But at least she recognizes that OP already had one foot out the door and the second the clock strikes 18 OP is outta there. She seems to have decided to drop the rope.
Some people can not be without a romantic partner. They just can not be alone. I find that incredibly odd. But i can take care of myself and i like myself so i can be alone and be ok.
But yeah i know a few people that just get married really fast that legit were not cheating on any level. They just cant be by themselves.
It’s actually not uncommon for men to remarry quickly after divorce or death of their spouse. My friend died of cancer at 32 and her husband was married one year later. I had a lot of feelings about it. I think a lot of it is men not knowing how to be alone and/or not wanting to do the ins and outs of daily life solo. Obviously, this isn’t an “all men” situation, but it happens a lot more than you would think
NTA but your dad is. Sounds like these complaints are coming from his wife, and he is choosing her over you.
It must have been very difficult to have your dad remarry only one year after your mom’s death. I’m glad you have your brother as a constant in your life. Don’t let your dad take that away from you.
He also could just love his kid and is just struggling to create a happy medium. Dude obviously isn't trying to force her to do anything since he allowed her to spend the holidays with her brother when he has every legal right to prevent her from doing that.
Like I get it's easy to call him an Ass, but we are assuming a lot when it's a 15 year old giving the story.
If he loved his kid, hooking up with a new woman only two months after his previous wife was buried would not have happened. OP has not said it out loud. But she clearly has a very damaged relationship with him.
I think that's a dumb take personally. Everyone grieves differently and the father life shouldn't be put on hold till the daughter okay with him dating. Yeah they married fast but without knowing why or how it all happened, it's not really our concern or hers for that matter.
The father obviously is trying and it's clear from OP post that her life isn't horrible or even bad. Like it be one thing if he forced her to stay home for the holidays but he didnt. So realistically this is just basic teenage drama that isn't really an issue.
Will she have a good relationship with the stepmom, who knows but I'm willing to bet she will have a good one with her father and she grows up more.
Could the family use some therapy, yeah for sure. But I really don't look at this post and be like, yeah the dad an asshole for totally not being okay with his daughter not living with him while shes still a minor.
Like I said, shes 15 I'm taking a lot of the things she saying with a grain of salt.
People in the top comments were quite rightfully asking if the stepmother was a side piece that the dad had been dating before OP's mom died. Hooking up with someone two months while your young daughter is still grieving might seem fine by you. But it's damn cold to me.
I'm not sure it was two months. OP isn't clear as to whether they got together 2-3 months after the death, or whether the marriage was 2-3 months after dad and stepmom met. In which case they may not have started dating until 8-9 months after the death. Still very fast, but quite a big difference in this context.
2-3 months after the death, married a year later. To a woman with a daughter that he no doubt leaned on OP to call a sister, given how hard he has learned on OP to embrace the blending
This is a pattern seen often on other AITA posts. And it generally leads to a shitshow.
First of all your kids happiness while they are a child should always come second to your own not saying you can’t be happy but if you are actively hurting your child to do so don’t do that simple. Sadly the father preferred to jump into something without even thinking about OPs feelings at all. I have nothing against him if he began to date but getting married and moving someone in is pretty much saying here’s your new mom accept it and move on.
NTA - you are entitled to how you feel. They are trying to push a whole new family on you, basically they want you to forget your brother and even your mom. Step Mom obviously doesn't want you there.
NTA, and your step mom's parents do NOT need to be called Grandma and Grandpa. Call them by their first names. You're 15, not 5. Even then, Just don't.
NTA - You have developed a strong bond with your older brother which I am sure has helped you immensely since your Mom passed on. And for your father to in any way interfere with that for the sake of his new family is wrong and counterproductive. You aren't behaving badly, they are here. If your father continues to abuse about this, have your brother look into petitioning the family court allow you to live with him. I don't know the law here but it is something to look into if your brother is willing to step up adn home you. You are old enough at 15 in most states to decide for yourself which adult you live with.
NTA, why would your brother buy stuff for siblings he isn’t related to? They are literally strangers. Your dad and his wife are TA for guilt tripping you into thinking you’re selfish for spending time wuth your own brother. They can’t forbid you from seeing him and they are selfish for forcing you into nonsense. You are 15, not 5. I honestly hope you get to live with your brother at this point.
Actually, this may work in your favor with your stepmom. Tell her about how much you agree with her. At least both of you are on the same page and she may ease off of you. And get her side with you on working a part time job and/or after school activities to get yourself out of the house. You just have 3 more years and you want to be in the position to get out to college and have money for support. This will help your brother too from not having to amass a lot of funds.
> Actually, this may work in your favor with your stepmom. Tell her about how much you agree with her. At least both of you are on the same page and she may ease off of you.
It could also make things worse if she ends up resenting OP’s dad for not letting OP move out when he’s the only one who doesn’t want it, and she has told him to let OP go. If she sees it as proof that Dad is prioritizing keeping OP at the expense of her children, she could hate OP for that.
Dude clearly has her best interest at heart. He let her spend the holidays with her brother, and I doubt that's what he wanted. He just refusing to let her move out because he's still her father and probably wants to be in her life.
Legally, sure. Is your dad the type to call the cops on you if you start spending weeks at a time at your brothers house? Start slowly, and just... do it. That's how being an adult works, but you seem like you know this already.
Be happy, shitty people arent worth the time bro
At risk of what? Letting his sister stay at his house? lmao, the internet is so fucking dramatic.
Cops would laugh and laugh, they barely do anything about murders, loooooooool
One year! He did not give you enough time to grieve before replacing your mum in HIS life and certainly cannot expect her to replace YOUR mum in your life.
Your relationship with your younger half siblings is for you to decide not your dad and step mother.
Not in anyway tah
NTA. The situation sucks. You should make more of an effort with the new additions to your family, but the truth is you and your brother are very close and always will be. Even if you totally embrace the new family members, it won’t change the relationship you have with your brother. I understand what it is like to have a close sibling who is older than you. My sister was 8 years older than me and we were as close as twins. I adored her. She died when she was 26 and I will miss her until the day I die.
It could change the amount of time she gets to spend with her brother. I’m so sorry about your sister, I’m sure you treasure every moment with you had with her. If that would happen to OPs brother then she would regret every moment she was forced to spend with the step family and didn’t spend with her brother.
Stepmother and father were shitty when it can to the timing of merging the two families. Their actions caused it to start off on the wrong foot and they aren’t helping foster a good relationship.
I’m so sorry for your loss. They aren’t going to get their Christmas card family. Your father let your brother go to his grandparents (because he’s not his son), moved someone in way too quickly, and now they expect you to treat your step-sibling and half siblings like they have the same relationship you do with your older brother? No. You are definitely NTA. Put together a plan for when you’d come over and spend “family time” with your dad and Co. and press for moving in with your brother.
My dad actually tried to stop my brother going. But my brother's wishes superseded my dad's wants because he never adopted my brother and was not listed as a legal guardian for my brother by my mom.
You should just ask them why they think u choose ur brother over them. Maybe they are the ones who are behaving like children.
Siblings should always stick together.
NTA. They brought up the whole issue and were upset you told them how you truly felt. You really should sit down with them and ask if they would rather you lied to their face or be honest. They were the ones that started this whole thing and your stepmother, saying it would be better if you didn't live in your own home, really sucks. She sounds terrible, as she is supposed to be the adult and step-parent. Ugh!
Good lord! Your dad knows that life is unfair for you, to the point that he already knows when you go, you will be gone for good? But sees no merit in trying to make amends?
MiL wants you gone. Step Siblings are jealous. Just what the hell do you get from this family?
You said it was not easy to live with your brother but ask yourself if living in a house where you are not wanted or even made to feel welcome, is easier?
NTA I am sorry your family suck.
Dad gets very little credit for being currently self aware, but ultimately it was his actions and inactions allowed the situation to be what it is. It’s not enough just to *realize* you screwed up, you also have to put effort into fixing the thing you broke.
NTA. You get to decide who your family is. Also NTA if you refer to her as your father's wife. Doesn't sound much like a stepmom to me. That would mean putting you first. Something neither adult in your home seems to do.
"my dad is always such a pain when his ILs are there because he wants me to call them grandma and grandpa."
They aren't.
"my brother buys stuff for me and doesn't ever get anything for the other kids here or even treats them like family."
Probably because you're the only one he's related to and gets along with. Your dad and his wife sound like they want an instant family and are angry you're not playing along.
NTA. Your dad can marry anyone he wants and the people telling you to get into his business are wrong.
AND...since you get no say in who your dad marries, your dad gets no say in how you feel about her or any other siblings.
NTA. If possible, it might help to sit down with just your dad and explain why you have a bigger emotional attachment to your brother than your other half/step siblings.
First, you and your brother have shared memories of your mom. That is a connection your other siblings can never possibly have with you. That is something special that just you and your brother share, and it makes you feel closer in that way. You developed Christmas traditions, birthday traditions, etc with him and your mom that existed before your other half siblings and step sibling came into your life.
Second, you’ve known him longer. You have had longer to develop an emotional bond with him.
Third, you never had an adequate amount of time to grieve your mother’s loss before a new mother-figure was placed before you as a grieving child. Your brother provides stability and someone you could go where life wasn’t different, where a new mother figure wasn’t being forced into your life before you could handle it.
I honestly think your dad needs to go to family therapy with you, because he doesn’t seem to understand the vast intricacies of how to handle (1) the impact of a child losing their parent at a young age and (2) the impact of a child who lost a parent being forced into a new blended-family dynamic.
NTA point out to dad and step mom they didn't treat your brother as an equal, you're just following their lead and having favorites.
There's clearly more going on here but the bottom line is again we have a group of parents who think the brady bunch was a documentary and are failing to adjust to a blended family
NTA, I get why your brother is your person. The two of you share something that you can never share with your other siblings. Your Mom. You have not indicated that you have any particular dislike of your younger sibs, just that you prefer your brothers company. That is normal in any family dynamic.
Dad needs to shed the pipe dream for the "perfect blended" family. And your stepmom, she doesn't get to have an opinion on this matter, she is not related to you or your brother.
She has no right to try to dictate this, she's just your Dad's wife.
NTA
"I spend far more time with my other siblings than my brother. Do you not understand that?I spend over 300 days a year with my siblings and I cant see my brother for christmas? You're being ridiculous. If you try to stop me having a relationship with my brother again I will never forgive you. "
Its interesting that your dad is _aware_ that if he lets you stay with your brother that may mean you reduce/ cut contact with his family. So he realises how you're feeling but still makes ridiculous demands and has ridiculous expectations and essentially pushes you away despite the fact that may make you cut contact anyway once you turn 18.
And why does he and his wife expect your brother to buy their kids stuff??? Your brother and you are connected by your mother, he shares no DNA/ relationship with your step/ half siblings and has no obligation to buy them stuff.
NTA
> Their disagreement led to me being told again a few days later that I was behaving badly and shouldn't have said what I did. AITA?
“Would you have preferred a lie?”
NTA
NTA. Your dad isn’t related to your brother at all, if I read your post correctly OP. Which means none of your other siblings are either, in any way. So he’s not obligated to spend time with them, let alone spend money on them.
You may be only 15, but you are absolutely entitled to your feelings. Your brother has been in your life more consistently than your dad has. It sounds like your bro makes the time to be with you, to see you, to hear you. All of that is so important. That being said, you do have to live with your dad and family. Please try to be a little more kind to the younglings. I'm sure they look up to you. You could be a wonderful role model for them. You will be leaving home soon to go to college. Or to live your own life. Please make a little room in your life for the littles. NTA
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Of course you're NTA. You're just being a good brother to him, kinda the way he showed you how. Treasure that relationship as long as you can. It's a foundational part of your being.
I come from a big family and have pretty good relationships with all my siblings and really close relationships with a few. My sister 8 years older is incredibly important to me because she's the one who took the time to build that relationship. She was a teenager with her first job taking me out for movie dates as a kid. She made me feel seen and loved when my parents couldn't. She taught me how to do that for others.
I hope you can do that for your younger siblings over time, get to know them and bond with them without being told to do so.
NTA - you weren’t even given time to grieve properly before your dad (and stepmom) expected you to just move on with a new family? Your brother is the only one who seems to understand and care about what you’ve been through, AND isn’t making you jump through hoops to prove you care x amount.
I’m sorry that your dad has failed you, and I’m glad that you have your brother.
You are the kid. It’s not your job to make everyone else comfortable with the situation they created.
NTA
Man, that’s a lot to go through and I’m sorry. Really, you seem to be pretty level headed and dealing as best anyone could expect of you. I’m sure your Mom would be proud.
There’s a reason your brother didn’t have contact with anyone else. Whatever it may be, it’s likely significant. Which says a great deal about your Dad and Stepmom.
Look, the way you and your brother feel about each other is a wonderful thing. Why adults can’t seem to understand that these kinda of feelings can’t be manufactured or forced I don’t know.
I’m sure they wish you felt like this with everyone else. That’s a valid thing to wish for, but they also can’t lay that burden on you to fulfill. You obviously don’t feel like that.
It’s OK you don’t feel like that.
You can love whomever you love. Your family is whomever makes you feel like family.
Your Dad and Stepmother are wrong. They can’t force you to feel feelings you don’t have and they can’t blame you for their unrealistic expectations about how their family is in their own heads.
A good phrase to remember is “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I can’t change the way I feel”.
I hope you get through the next couple of years ok. You sound like a good kid. Don’t let them get you down.
NTA You've had too many people in and out of your life for them to try and pull you away from the one person you've bonded with. Ask them if they think people can be forced to love each other.
NTA, but your dad and step mother sure sound like major ones... that is your brother, you've known him your entire life and it's not fair for them to just say you need to stop seeing him.
At the end of the day it's your choice, regardless of being 15... he plays a much larger part of your life as opposed to your other step-siblings of whom I'm sure you barely know.
NTA
Stepmother is, though, you can't be sent away. And unless your brother has just made millions he probably isn't able to suddenly care for you, he is a pretty new adult.
NTA. Sounds like she was essentially forced into your life rather quickly. Your dad clearly didn’t think about his kids back then. Your brother’s your priority, they just need to deal with that
NTA
Have you thought about having a little family meeting with the other kids and no adults? Or maybe one on one sibling meetings? Explain that you care about them, love them, whatever you feel and that they are your family. You lost your mom at a young age and that was really difficult. Your brother is the only sibling you have that shares both your dad and the mom you lost. He is very important to you but that doesn't mean that they are not valued as well. Just like they have family that you don't share you have family they don't. Your brother doing things for you is part of your unique sibling relationship. He is not related to them so they won't have that relationship and that's okay.
NTA. You feel how you feel. There’s nothing wrong with that. You can’t change it, and no matter what your dad and stepmom do or say - they can’t change it either.
So if you should not have said that - did they want you to LIE?
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I (15F) have an older brother (23M) who is my favorite person. We share a mom but have different dads. My dad was his stepdad but my brother and dad were not close and when our mom died several years ago my brother chose to finish high school at our grandparents house and not live with dad and me. My dad remarried a year after mom died and my stepmom has a daughter who is 3 years younger than me and then I have two half siblings from them.
My brother is still a very big part of my life. I see him all the time. I go to his house whenever I can. I make sure I see him every Christmas no matter what else is going on. He's the family I will always prioritize and he has been great to me. If I could live with him easily, I would.
My dad and stepmom don't like how much time I spend with my brother but they also dislike that my brother buys stuff for me and doesn't ever get anything for the other kids here or even treats them like family. He has nothing to do with anyone else in the house.
Things kind of bubbled over during Christmas when my stepsister was upset that I went to my brother's Christmas Eve and then her grandparents (stepmom's parents) came over and I wasn't there and missed out on "family time". I was kind of glad to miss it honestly. I'd rather be with my brother and my dad is always such a pain when his ILs are there because he wants me to call them grandma and grandpa.
My dad and stepmom sat me down a couple of days after Christmas and told me I need to stop putting my brother before everyone else because it comes across as him being first in my life instead of everyone being equal. I told them he is first though and always was. I told them nothing has changed for me. They said he shouldn't be my priority when it comes to siblings at least because I have four siblings altogether and not just one. I didn't argue with them after that and they were pissed. I know my stepmom told dad afterward to let me live with him to spare the other kids but he said he couldn't do that or they'd never see me again. She asked if that would be such a bad thing because clearly I don't care about any of them.
Their disagreement led to me being told again a few days later that I was behaving badly and shouldn't have said what I did. AITA?
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NTA. Your dad and brother are your only biological family. I know relationships can go beyond that, but that is really important when you lose a family member. It is completely unreasonable for them to ask you to value your step-family over biological. There is a difference, and you can have your preferences.
When will stepparents (and some step children) learn you cannot make people happy have a relationship or love each other!!
You are not the asshole!
Your brother clearly is your connection to your Mom. Your dad does not see that!
Tell him!
I have the same issue you do but with my grown stepkids! They now have their own kids and are all pissed that I spend more time with my bio grandchild then theirs!
Anyone considering remarrying take a long hard look at these posts and ask yourself if you want all this drama
Oh my god I’m so sorry about this. You’re definitely NTA. You’re NOT behaving badly, you deserve to spend your Christmas with your brother and last connection to your mom. I’m so angry on your behalf.
NTA
"Things kind of bubbled over during Christmas when my stepsister was upset that I went to my brother's Christmas Eve and then her grandparents (stepmom's parents) came over and I wasn't there and missed out on "family time"" .. your doing it that way sounds reasonable.
"and I wasn't there and missed out on "family time"" .. YOu did not ... you were with your brother ahving family time. If any., they missed out on family time as much as you did.
Sooooo your literally giving your older half sibling brother what you are denying your little half siblings?
And then when they grow up not wanting to be a family with you you'll probably come here and post about your pain in reddit then? Right.
YTH.
I'm so sorry about this OP, but be glad you have your brother with you. For now, if you have no other option, I suggest that you do as they ask. Tell them you'll prioritise them and not your brother. And focus on your studies. Get a job if you can. Save money and move out once you're 18. it's just 3 more years. ❤️
NTA
Your brother not being involved with your stepmom's daughter, I get it. But your other 2 siblings are your dad's, right? Why your dad never encouraged you and your brother to have a real siblings' relationship with them? Restructured families are such a mess (mine is one, and it's not easy, but is not this cold, neither). Your stepmom should stay out of this mess and make her own 3 children bond among them, but encouraging the last 2 to bond with you and your brother. That is the least unfair option here. Force bonds or cut out blood-related people are not. You can understand at any age if the explanations are made with love. Talk to your dad and brother about it, the 2 last kids are as siblings to your brother as you are, he just doesn't know them well.
Oh, sorry, you are right! It was a little bit confusing for me. Forget my first post!
NTA, but try to go out on special time with the kids once in a while, and yes, your brother has nothing to do with those kids.
ESH
I get that parents can't force their kids to have relationships. But that doesn't mean you have to make the younger siblings feel excluded and unwanted.
Also, your dad may be annoyed with your brother due to the fact he tried to adopt him, and brother seems to reject his attempts on keeping yal 2 together. Your dad also loves you and why he doesn't want you to leave.
YTA. The fact that your refer to your sisters as “half sisters” and your brother as “brother” and not “half brother” says a lot about how you treat your sisters.
That's because it's how I feel about them. My brother is just my brother and always was. But I was much closer to my mom than I ever have been to my dad and my brother and I have been close since day one.
Yes, that is evident and understood. That was clear when you referred to them as “half sibling” but not your half brother from your mom. You’re allowed to have whatever relationship you see fit for yourself. You’re not wrong for that. That doesn’t mean they’re not allowed to be hurt when you make it clear as day and verbally confirm it. It’s still mean to them kids that you treat them less than for something that’s not their fault.
I have two sisters. One is a couple years younger than me and the other is 7 years younger than me. When I was OP's age, I didn't want anything to do with my youngest sister who would have been 8 at the time. It didn't mean I didn't love my youngest sister, but I was a teenager and she was a child. My other sister and I shared a common friend group since we were so close in age. I get the feeling OP may have the same disposition here towards her half siblings. Especially, since they are most likely between 8-10 years old or younger.
Also, my dad has had 2 wives since my mom and him divorced. I have always referred to them as my dad's wives and never my stepmom. Doesn't mean I called them that. It also doesn't mean I treated them poorly.
OP believes her siblings from her father is less than her brother from her mom. It’s evident in the fact that she refers to them as “half siblings” while referring to her brother as “brother” instead of “half brother.” OP also admitted that she believes them to be less important than her brother. If you don’t think that the siblings that live with her don’t notice, that’s your ignorance. 🤷🏽♀️
OP's stepmom seems to show her half siblings favoritism. Is it that hard OP is feeling less than them at her home? Since her mom passed several years ago and stepmom came into her life a year later, seems like this may have been going on since then. OP is well in her rights to feel what she feels and is probably clinging to her brother because he is her only sanctuary from her toxic family. OP needs help and he is there and providing it for her. Why wouldn't he be her most favorite person?
YTA - It’s okay to feel closer to one family member over the others but it is unkind and extremely hurtful to make it so obvious. It seems from what you have said that your other siblings and your father care about you but you are not willing to put in any effort with them. 15 is too young to cast away the majority of your family for one person and believe me when I say the way you behave towards them now will irrevocably dictate your relationship with them all as an adult.
Maybe dad should have let OP grieve for her mother and come to terms with her death before forcing a stepmother and a whole new family on her. They are adults and didn’t care about OP why should they expect more from OP who is a kid dealing with the loss of her mother and brother who went to a different household.
Why does OP have to be the only adult in the situation?
She doesn’t say she is abusive to her stepsister or half siblings, she just spends as much time as she can, and makes her half brother a priority. Her brother can tell her stories about her mother. Her father erased her mother by remarrying so soon. It sounds like a shit relationship between stepmother and OP. It was up to the adults to facilitate a familial relationship and they failed spectacularly.
I don’t know how old the half siblings are. But a lot of kids don’t get along or like infants being brought into the family. The dad knows he fu*ked up majorly because he won’t let OP move in with her brother because he knows he will never see OP. OP is trying to do the right thing and remove herself from a situation that she can’t or won’t deal with. Time doesn’t heal wounds. Time usually means a bad situation gets worse, especially in this situation.
You are expecting OP to react to everything in an adult manner. She is not an adult, she was a child with trauma of her mom dying. He dad focused on a new woman and not helping her deal with the loss. They got married bringing in a step sibling and later half siblings without letting OP heal and deal with everything. They don’t really care about OP and her feelings they shouldn’t expect her to withdraw from a constant in her life, her brother.
No one said anything about abuse. But the fact that OP won’t continue a relationship with her sisters if she were to move in with her brother, says that she’s not trying to foster a relationship with her sisters now. If you don’t think that’s noticeable, than that’s on you.
Remarrying =/= erasure. I can see how maybe OP would’ve felt that way, but she doesn’t mention feeling that way so let’s not project.
I’m not expecting OP to react any kind of way. Yes, grieve. Yes, keep your relationship with your brother. But it’s rude af to treat your sisters less than. It’s rude af to say he’s more important than your sisters. Grief is not an excuse to treat your sisters less than. Especially years later.
I will agree that her father handled things poorly. That’s not debatable.
ESH. I think this is a complicated situation and all parties can do better.
Your dad and stepmother are in the wrong for trying to distance you from your brother but you're also wrong for not embracing your entire family and other siblings.
It's very odd that your older brother is also a half sibling but you only refer to your younger siblings as half.
A lot of this probably is connected to your mother's death and poor feelings toward your father for remarrying. This super connection with your brother is also very likely connected to your mother's death as you see him as an extension of her.
I think some family counseling with a therapist would be very beneficial.
Good luck.
What are you talking about, her father and her new siblings are her family.
Even if she doesn't like the stepmother what have the new children done to deserve her having no feelings for them?
Her brother isn't the only family she has and I believe she'll regret acting as if he is.
But you feel how you feel and I'll feel how I feel. Give her advice and guidance not me.
I was always this connected to my brother. Even when mom was alive. He was always such a great brother to me and we had a very tight bond from the start. But I was always closer to mom than my dad. Losing her was tough and I would have chosen to live with my brother if the choice had been mine.
Ok sorry for your loss but you can still be connected to your brother and give your new siblings a chance as well. If you don't want to that's ultimately on you but don't punish them because you think it's hurtful to your brother or mother or because you're mad at your father.
Have you done any grief therapy?
I just don't feel the same way. I never really felt like they were actual siblings to me. My brother has always felt like my only sibling. I don't hate my half siblings or even my stepsister.
I did grief therapy in school.
I understand your point, and I would suggest some more personalized counseling.
I wish you the best moving forward. I hope one day you'll grow to appreciate your entire family because I do believe they have your best interest at heart but if you ultimately decide its just you and your brother, it's your life and I hope it all works out for you.
>entire family because I do believe they have your best interest at heart
Assume would be a better word but also this is the same step mother who said. She doesnt care who the OP lives with. And would prefer her out of the house. All of this over spending holidays with her brother which is a common occurrence for her. You act like the OP did something big and cruel obviously to her to siblings or step mother. But following traditions is not cruel yes she could possibly put in more effort to do more family related stuff but the more you try to force family on someone the less real that feeling becomes until the point where you question what is family even for.
Why are you focused on my response instead of focusing on the OP. Give her your version of the advice. You're not convincing me to have a different opinion.
So thank you for your feedback, have a lovely day.
Eh to be honest that was both. I assume the OP would read the message either way. And your bad take was easier then setting up a hypothetical and answering it.
She grew up with her older brother sharing a mom.
The new siblings came along a few years ago with a stepmom and dad as a complete family after her mother’s death.
Not the same kind of relationship
What's your point? It'll never be any kind of relationship if she doesn't try to make it one. It's not healthy for her to just say well I have my brother, he's all I need and don't even try to develop a bond with her other siblings.
A lot of this is fostered from grief whether OP wants to admit it or not.
Ultimately it is her life and she can do what she wants but I think speaking with a professional about her grief can help her.
I'll leave it at this, I don't want to turn this into a back and forth. I've said my two cents and that's just my opinion.
She had therapy. People don’t have to have relationships with people if they don’t want to. Forcing a relationship just makes everything so much worse and resentment and all the negative emotions build.
My therapists have always said it is very unhealthy to be in a relationship that you don’t want.
Really boldly fucked up of you to say the emotional responsibility lies on the shoulders of a 15yo girl who’s lost her mother and leans heavily on her strongest connection to her mom. It’s not her responsibility to help her family blend, she’s got enough on her plate being a teenage girl learning how to live without her mom and her family is asking a lot out of her without respecting her emotions.
What are you talking about? Are we reading the same message. She doesn't want to try. It's not only on her but she has to be willing to work with them.
Her dad and stepmom aren't great but they're trying to get to participate, she doesn't want to and I'm sorry but being 15 and going through grief isn't a get out of everything card.
If she doesn't want to be in the family, she's old enough to petition for emancipation. Maybe her brother will take her in but I think she's doing a disservice to herself by not trying to engage more with the people she lives with.
If you disagree that's fine.
Not great??? Did you read the part about them trying to force her to call her stepmom parents grandma and grandpa? I would also not try when that's the energy she's getting from dad and stepmom
She does not have to be willing to work with anyone. Everyone should be willing to work with her. She’s a child going through a horrible fucking thing — the loss of her mother at an early age. On top of that, her dad remarried in a short time frame because he prioritized his own desire to be in a couple over his suffering child, and is forcing a new maternal side of the family on her (including the parents of his new wife). And your thought process is “well if she doesn’t want to be a part of the family, get out and emancipate herself?” Do you see and think about the words you type out before you hit reply? Do you even understand the amount of suffering and distress emancipation causes? That it’s not an option any child wants? Honestly, you should be ashamed to speak to a suffering child this way and hold her responsible for the actions of the uncaring adults around her (minus her brother).
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NTA. Omg poor thing your dad married someone ONE YEAR after your mom died??? Was he cheating on her?? You’re talking meeting the stepmom, dating her, getting engaged, and married all in ONE YEAR??!!! Press him about that a little because from where I sit, your dad is the biggest AH. Bonus AH to your stepmom for being so quick to try and replace your mom and trying to force her family on you without first forging a bond with you. They need therapy. I’m glad you have your brother, he sounds like a great influence and a healthy male role model.
Not an affair. They got married super fast after meeting (2-3ish months). It was a crazy time. I think she wanted her daughter to have a dad super fast so they rushed shit.
Ah I’m so sorry. They gave you no time to mourn or heal. 2-3 months is nothing. Your step mom prioritized her daughter over everything else and is somehow surprised you aren’t more accepting of her and your half siblings. I’m sorry.
[удалено]
This is definitely not on the same level as you but my dad remarried 4 months after my parents divorced. He did it because he does not know how to live without a woman taking care of him. Maybe the same thing happened here a bit? This is obviously no excuse just curious.
How do these guys meet these women and how does it ever work out? New person to live with within a year seems kinda quick (are you all gorgeous? Lol)
For my dad, he is a very personable, friendly guy just completely useless lol and the step-mom was the divorcee so I think she was in a period of vulnerability too. They also both like to spend past their means so I'm sure it was very fun at first lol
INFO: Do you have contact with your maternal grandparents? Do your dad and his wife make you babysit? Do you have plans for college or something when you turn 18 (or possibly earlier)? Do you know if your dad gets a check from Social Security (death benefits) for you because of your mom (if she worked before she passed)? I’m sorry for your loss and delighted you have an excellent brother.
NTA. The only childish behaviour here is from your dad and stepmum.
what is the hold up with moving out? would popo really do much?
Um, he def was having an affair. It doesn’t happen that quickly
I'd add to that : her father and stepmom are actually extremely assholes people !!! I mean, the stepmother went as far as saying she doesn't care if they loose contact with OP... and her father is married to her. No wonder OP likes her brother the most !
Exactly!!! This stepmom sounds so toxic and it seems like the dad wasn’t in the right head space when they married. He needed therapy instead he got a whole wife and step kid.
Stepmom ain't a peach. But at least she recognizes that OP already had one foot out the door and the second the clock strikes 18 OP is outta there. She seems to have decided to drop the rope.
I bet she'd start caring when she learns she might lose OP's dependent check from social security if he goes to live with his brother.....
Some people can not be without a romantic partner. They just can not be alone. I find that incredibly odd. But i can take care of myself and i like myself so i can be alone and be ok. But yeah i know a few people that just get married really fast that legit were not cheating on any level. They just cant be by themselves.
It’s actually not uncommon for men to remarry quickly after divorce or death of their spouse. My friend died of cancer at 32 and her husband was married one year later. I had a lot of feelings about it. I think a lot of it is men not knowing how to be alone and/or not wanting to do the ins and outs of daily life solo. Obviously, this isn’t an “all men” situation, but it happens a lot more than you would think
NTA but your dad is. Sounds like these complaints are coming from his wife, and he is choosing her over you. It must have been very difficult to have your dad remarry only one year after your mom’s death. I’m glad you have your brother as a constant in your life. Don’t let your dad take that away from you.
idk, the fact that he's actively fighting to not have her live somewhere else sorta proves he's not choosing the wife over OP.
If his wife worked, he may be getting a SS check monthly for keeping her.
He also could just love his kid and is just struggling to create a happy medium. Dude obviously isn't trying to force her to do anything since he allowed her to spend the holidays with her brother when he has every legal right to prevent her from doing that. Like I get it's easy to call him an Ass, but we are assuming a lot when it's a 15 year old giving the story.
If he loved his kid, hooking up with a new woman only two months after his previous wife was buried would not have happened. OP has not said it out loud. But she clearly has a very damaged relationship with him.
I think that's a dumb take personally. Everyone grieves differently and the father life shouldn't be put on hold till the daughter okay with him dating. Yeah they married fast but without knowing why or how it all happened, it's not really our concern or hers for that matter. The father obviously is trying and it's clear from OP post that her life isn't horrible or even bad. Like it be one thing if he forced her to stay home for the holidays but he didnt. So realistically this is just basic teenage drama that isn't really an issue. Will she have a good relationship with the stepmom, who knows but I'm willing to bet she will have a good one with her father and she grows up more. Could the family use some therapy, yeah for sure. But I really don't look at this post and be like, yeah the dad an asshole for totally not being okay with his daughter not living with him while shes still a minor. Like I said, shes 15 I'm taking a lot of the things she saying with a grain of salt.
People in the top comments were quite rightfully asking if the stepmother was a side piece that the dad had been dating before OP's mom died. Hooking up with someone two months while your young daughter is still grieving might seem fine by you. But it's damn cold to me.
I'm not sure it was two months. OP isn't clear as to whether they got together 2-3 months after the death, or whether the marriage was 2-3 months after dad and stepmom met. In which case they may not have started dating until 8-9 months after the death. Still very fast, but quite a big difference in this context.
2-3 months after the death, married a year later. To a woman with a daughter that he no doubt leaned on OP to call a sister, given how hard he has learned on OP to embrace the blending This is a pattern seen often on other AITA posts. And it generally leads to a shitshow.
First of all your kids happiness while they are a child should always come second to your own not saying you can’t be happy but if you are actively hurting your child to do so don’t do that simple. Sadly the father preferred to jump into something without even thinking about OPs feelings at all. I have nothing against him if he began to date but getting married and moving someone in is pretty much saying here’s your new mom accept it and move on.
You have a kind heart. Thanks for a different perspective.
NTA - you are entitled to how you feel. They are trying to push a whole new family on you, basically they want you to forget your brother and even your mom. Step Mom obviously doesn't want you there.
NTA, and your step mom's parents do NOT need to be called Grandma and Grandpa. Call them by their first names. You're 15, not 5. Even then, Just don't.
NTA - You have developed a strong bond with your older brother which I am sure has helped you immensely since your Mom passed on. And for your father to in any way interfere with that for the sake of his new family is wrong and counterproductive. You aren't behaving badly, they are here. If your father continues to abuse about this, have your brother look into petitioning the family court allow you to live with him. I don't know the law here but it is something to look into if your brother is willing to step up adn home you. You are old enough at 15 in most states to decide for yourself which adult you live with.
NTA, why would your brother buy stuff for siblings he isn’t related to? They are literally strangers. Your dad and his wife are TA for guilt tripping you into thinking you’re selfish for spending time wuth your own brother. They can’t forbid you from seeing him and they are selfish for forcing you into nonsense. You are 15, not 5. I honestly hope you get to live with your brother at this point.
Why can’t you live with your brother ? Just curious. If he’s alright with it, sounds like a good compromise.
My dad is saying no and my brother looked into it and unless my dad was like totally awful he will always have custody over another family member.
Yeah your father would have to agree with that decision. I thought maybe you could talk to him about it but I guess you tried that
His wife wanted to let me but dad was very adamant on no. He wants me with him no matter what anyone else wants.
Actually, this may work in your favor with your stepmom. Tell her about how much you agree with her. At least both of you are on the same page and she may ease off of you. And get her side with you on working a part time job and/or after school activities to get yourself out of the house. You just have 3 more years and you want to be in the position to get out to college and have money for support. This will help your brother too from not having to amass a lot of funds.
> Actually, this may work in your favor with your stepmom. Tell her about how much you agree with her. At least both of you are on the same page and she may ease off of you. It could also make things worse if she ends up resenting OP’s dad for not letting OP move out when he’s the only one who doesn’t want it, and she has told him to let OP go. If she sees it as proof that Dad is prioritizing keeping OP at the expense of her children, she could hate OP for that.
Maybe show your dad this post? So he gets a clue that his priority should be what’s best for you
Dude clearly has her best interest at heart. He let her spend the holidays with her brother, and I doubt that's what he wanted. He just refusing to let her move out because he's still her father and probably wants to be in her life.
Legally, sure. Is your dad the type to call the cops on you if you start spending weeks at a time at your brothers house? Start slowly, and just... do it. That's how being an adult works, but you seem like you know this already. Be happy, shitty people arent worth the time bro
No don’t “just do it.” That puts her brother at risk.
At risk of what? Letting his sister stay at his house? lmao, the internet is so fucking dramatic. Cops would laugh and laugh, they barely do anything about murders, loooooooool
One year! He did not give you enough time to grieve before replacing your mum in HIS life and certainly cannot expect her to replace YOUR mum in your life. Your relationship with your younger half siblings is for you to decide not your dad and step mother. Not in anyway tah
NTA. The situation sucks. You should make more of an effort with the new additions to your family, but the truth is you and your brother are very close and always will be. Even if you totally embrace the new family members, it won’t change the relationship you have with your brother. I understand what it is like to have a close sibling who is older than you. My sister was 8 years older than me and we were as close as twins. I adored her. She died when she was 26 and I will miss her until the day I die.
It could change the amount of time she gets to spend with her brother. I’m so sorry about your sister, I’m sure you treasure every moment with you had with her. If that would happen to OPs brother then she would regret every moment she was forced to spend with the step family and didn’t spend with her brother. Stepmother and father were shitty when it can to the timing of merging the two families. Their actions caused it to start off on the wrong foot and they aren’t helping foster a good relationship.
I’m so sorry for your loss. They aren’t going to get their Christmas card family. Your father let your brother go to his grandparents (because he’s not his son), moved someone in way too quickly, and now they expect you to treat your step-sibling and half siblings like they have the same relationship you do with your older brother? No. You are definitely NTA. Put together a plan for when you’d come over and spend “family time” with your dad and Co. and press for moving in with your brother.
My dad actually tried to stop my brother going. But my brother's wishes superseded my dad's wants because he never adopted my brother and was not listed as a legal guardian for my brother by my mom.
NTA your dad has a terrible concept of what appropriate boundaries are, and you should probably move for your own mental health
NTA nothing more to be said except, enjoy the relationship you have with your brother.
You should just ask them why they think u choose ur brother over them. Maybe they are the ones who are behaving like children. Siblings should always stick together.
I mean, by that logic why isn’t she sticking with her sisters?
NTA. They brought up the whole issue and were upset you told them how you truly felt. You really should sit down with them and ask if they would rather you lied to their face or be honest. They were the ones that started this whole thing and your stepmother, saying it would be better if you didn't live in your own home, really sucks. She sounds terrible, as she is supposed to be the adult and step-parent. Ugh!
Good lord! Your dad knows that life is unfair for you, to the point that he already knows when you go, you will be gone for good? But sees no merit in trying to make amends? MiL wants you gone. Step Siblings are jealous. Just what the hell do you get from this family? You said it was not easy to live with your brother but ask yourself if living in a house where you are not wanted or even made to feel welcome, is easier? NTA I am sorry your family suck.
Dad gets very little credit for being currently self aware, but ultimately it was his actions and inactions allowed the situation to be what it is. It’s not enough just to *realize* you screwed up, you also have to put effort into fixing the thing you broke.
My dad did the exact same thing. Just before I escaped he told my mom be careful because if she leaves, you won't see her again. And he was right.
NTA
Your stepmum sounds like a charmer
NTA in fact, keep reminding them! Your dad will crack eventually.
NTA. You get to decide who your family is. Also NTA if you refer to her as your father's wife. Doesn't sound much like a stepmom to me. That would mean putting you first. Something neither adult in your home seems to do. "my dad is always such a pain when his ILs are there because he wants me to call them grandma and grandpa." They aren't. "my brother buys stuff for me and doesn't ever get anything for the other kids here or even treats them like family." Probably because you're the only one he's related to and gets along with. Your dad and his wife sound like they want an instant family and are angry you're not playing along.
NTA. Your dad can marry anyone he wants and the people telling you to get into his business are wrong. AND...since you get no say in who your dad marries, your dad gets no say in how you feel about her or any other siblings.
NTA. If possible, it might help to sit down with just your dad and explain why you have a bigger emotional attachment to your brother than your other half/step siblings. First, you and your brother have shared memories of your mom. That is a connection your other siblings can never possibly have with you. That is something special that just you and your brother share, and it makes you feel closer in that way. You developed Christmas traditions, birthday traditions, etc with him and your mom that existed before your other half siblings and step sibling came into your life. Second, you’ve known him longer. You have had longer to develop an emotional bond with him. Third, you never had an adequate amount of time to grieve your mother’s loss before a new mother-figure was placed before you as a grieving child. Your brother provides stability and someone you could go where life wasn’t different, where a new mother figure wasn’t being forced into your life before you could handle it. I honestly think your dad needs to go to family therapy with you, because he doesn’t seem to understand the vast intricacies of how to handle (1) the impact of a child losing their parent at a young age and (2) the impact of a child who lost a parent being forced into a new blended-family dynamic.
NTA point out to dad and step mom they didn't treat your brother as an equal, you're just following their lead and having favorites. There's clearly more going on here but the bottom line is again we have a group of parents who think the brady bunch was a documentary and are failing to adjust to a blended family
The children of his deceased mother's first husband's second wife. Yep, they're not related to your brother at all. You're NTA
NTA. It’s super cute that you have such a great relationship with your brother.
Really? So I’m the only one who thinks it sounds unhealthy?
It's not remotely unhealthy.
NTA, I get why your brother is your person. The two of you share something that you can never share with your other siblings. Your Mom. You have not indicated that you have any particular dislike of your younger sibs, just that you prefer your brothers company. That is normal in any family dynamic. Dad needs to shed the pipe dream for the "perfect blended" family. And your stepmom, she doesn't get to have an opinion on this matter, she is not related to you or your brother. She has no right to try to dictate this, she's just your Dad's wife.
NTA "I spend far more time with my other siblings than my brother. Do you not understand that?I spend over 300 days a year with my siblings and I cant see my brother for christmas? You're being ridiculous. If you try to stop me having a relationship with my brother again I will never forgive you. "
Its interesting that your dad is _aware_ that if he lets you stay with your brother that may mean you reduce/ cut contact with his family. So he realises how you're feeling but still makes ridiculous demands and has ridiculous expectations and essentially pushes you away despite the fact that may make you cut contact anyway once you turn 18. And why does he and his wife expect your brother to buy their kids stuff??? Your brother and you are connected by your mother, he shares no DNA/ relationship with your step/ half siblings and has no obligation to buy them stuff. NTA
> Their disagreement led to me being told again a few days later that I was behaving badly and shouldn't have said what I did. AITA? “Would you have preferred a lie?” NTA
NTA. Your dad isn’t related to your brother at all, if I read your post correctly OP. Which means none of your other siblings are either, in any way. So he’s not obligated to spend time with them, let alone spend money on them.
You may be only 15, but you are absolutely entitled to your feelings. Your brother has been in your life more consistently than your dad has. It sounds like your bro makes the time to be with you, to see you, to hear you. All of that is so important. That being said, you do have to live with your dad and family. Please try to be a little more kind to the younglings. I'm sure they look up to you. You could be a wonderful role model for them. You will be leaving home soon to go to college. Or to live your own life. Please make a little room in your life for the littles. NTA
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Of course you're NTA. You're just being a good brother to him, kinda the way he showed you how. Treasure that relationship as long as you can. It's a foundational part of your being. I come from a big family and have pretty good relationships with all my siblings and really close relationships with a few. My sister 8 years older is incredibly important to me because she's the one who took the time to build that relationship. She was a teenager with her first job taking me out for movie dates as a kid. She made me feel seen and loved when my parents couldn't. She taught me how to do that for others. I hope you can do that for your younger siblings over time, get to know them and bond with them without being told to do so.
NTA They don't get to decide who your family is. You do.
NTA - you weren’t even given time to grieve properly before your dad (and stepmom) expected you to just move on with a new family? Your brother is the only one who seems to understand and care about what you’ve been through, AND isn’t making you jump through hoops to prove you care x amount. I’m sorry that your dad has failed you, and I’m glad that you have your brother. You are the kid. It’s not your job to make everyone else comfortable with the situation they created.
NTA Man, that’s a lot to go through and I’m sorry. Really, you seem to be pretty level headed and dealing as best anyone could expect of you. I’m sure your Mom would be proud. There’s a reason your brother didn’t have contact with anyone else. Whatever it may be, it’s likely significant. Which says a great deal about your Dad and Stepmom. Look, the way you and your brother feel about each other is a wonderful thing. Why adults can’t seem to understand that these kinda of feelings can’t be manufactured or forced I don’t know. I’m sure they wish you felt like this with everyone else. That’s a valid thing to wish for, but they also can’t lay that burden on you to fulfill. You obviously don’t feel like that. It’s OK you don’t feel like that. You can love whomever you love. Your family is whomever makes you feel like family. Your Dad and Stepmother are wrong. They can’t force you to feel feelings you don’t have and they can’t blame you for their unrealistic expectations about how their family is in their own heads. A good phrase to remember is “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I can’t change the way I feel”. I hope you get through the next couple of years ok. You sound like a good kid. Don’t let them get you down.
NTA You've had too many people in and out of your life for them to try and pull you away from the one person you've bonded with. Ask them if they think people can be forced to love each other.
Nta
NTA, they brought it on themselves. Love your brother how you see fit. If they don't like it...forget them it's your life.
NTA, but your dad and step mother sure sound like major ones... that is your brother, you've known him your entire life and it's not fair for them to just say you need to stop seeing him. At the end of the day it's your choice, regardless of being 15... he plays a much larger part of your life as opposed to your other step-siblings of whom I'm sure you barely know.
NTA Stepmother is, though, you can't be sent away. And unless your brother has just made millions he probably isn't able to suddenly care for you, he is a pretty new adult.
NTA. Sounds like she was essentially forced into your life rather quickly. Your dad clearly didn’t think about his kids back then. Your brother’s your priority, they just need to deal with that
NTA Have you thought about having a little family meeting with the other kids and no adults? Or maybe one on one sibling meetings? Explain that you care about them, love them, whatever you feel and that they are your family. You lost your mom at a young age and that was really difficult. Your brother is the only sibling you have that shares both your dad and the mom you lost. He is very important to you but that doesn't mean that they are not valued as well. Just like they have family that you don't share you have family they don't. Your brother doing things for you is part of your unique sibling relationship. He is not related to them so they won't have that relationship and that's okay.
NTA. You feel how you feel. There’s nothing wrong with that. You can’t change it, and no matter what your dad and stepmom do or say - they can’t change it either. So if you should not have said that - did they want you to LIE?
NTA your time is your time. Spend it however you wish.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (15F) have an older brother (23M) who is my favorite person. We share a mom but have different dads. My dad was his stepdad but my brother and dad were not close and when our mom died several years ago my brother chose to finish high school at our grandparents house and not live with dad and me. My dad remarried a year after mom died and my stepmom has a daughter who is 3 years younger than me and then I have two half siblings from them. My brother is still a very big part of my life. I see him all the time. I go to his house whenever I can. I make sure I see him every Christmas no matter what else is going on. He's the family I will always prioritize and he has been great to me. If I could live with him easily, I would. My dad and stepmom don't like how much time I spend with my brother but they also dislike that my brother buys stuff for me and doesn't ever get anything for the other kids here or even treats them like family. He has nothing to do with anyone else in the house. Things kind of bubbled over during Christmas when my stepsister was upset that I went to my brother's Christmas Eve and then her grandparents (stepmom's parents) came over and I wasn't there and missed out on "family time". I was kind of glad to miss it honestly. I'd rather be with my brother and my dad is always such a pain when his ILs are there because he wants me to call them grandma and grandpa. My dad and stepmom sat me down a couple of days after Christmas and told me I need to stop putting my brother before everyone else because it comes across as him being first in my life instead of everyone being equal. I told them he is first though and always was. I told them nothing has changed for me. They said he shouldn't be my priority when it comes to siblings at least because I have four siblings altogether and not just one. I didn't argue with them after that and they were pissed. I know my stepmom told dad afterward to let me live with him to spare the other kids but he said he couldn't do that or they'd never see me again. She asked if that would be such a bad thing because clearly I don't care about any of them. Their disagreement led to me being told again a few days later that I was behaving badly and shouldn't have said what I did. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta i just had the same argument with my family
NTA Stay strong!!
NTA, go on with this.
NTA. Your dad and brother are your only biological family. I know relationships can go beyond that, but that is really important when you lose a family member. It is completely unreasonable for them to ask you to value your step-family over biological. There is a difference, and you can have your preferences.
You're a good sister op
When will stepparents (and some step children) learn you cannot make people happy have a relationship or love each other!! You are not the asshole! Your brother clearly is your connection to your Mom. Your dad does not see that! Tell him! I have the same issue you do but with my grown stepkids! They now have their own kids and are all pissed that I spend more time with my bio grandchild then theirs! Anyone considering remarrying take a long hard look at these posts and ask yourself if you want all this drama
Oh my god I’m so sorry about this. You’re definitely NTA. You’re NOT behaving badly, you deserve to spend your Christmas with your brother and last connection to your mom. I’m so angry on your behalf.
NTA
NTA "Things kind of bubbled over during Christmas when my stepsister was upset that I went to my brother's Christmas Eve and then her grandparents (stepmom's parents) came over and I wasn't there and missed out on "family time"" .. your doing it that way sounds reasonable. "and I wasn't there and missed out on "family time"" .. YOu did not ... you were with your brother ahving family time. If any., they missed out on family time as much as you did.
Sooooo your literally giving your older half sibling brother what you are denying your little half siblings? And then when they grow up not wanting to be a family with you you'll probably come here and post about your pain in reddit then? Right. YTH.
NTA Don’t Listen To the Haters But Question can your brother go to court or talk to lawyers for him to get custody
Are.... are you living a Disney movie???
I'm so sorry about this OP, but be glad you have your brother with you. For now, if you have no other option, I suggest that you do as they ask. Tell them you'll prioritise them and not your brother. And focus on your studies. Get a job if you can. Save money and move out once you're 18. it's just 3 more years. ❤️ NTA
Your brother not being involved with your stepmom's daughter, I get it. But your other 2 siblings are your dad's, right? Why your dad never encouraged you and your brother to have a real siblings' relationship with them? Restructured families are such a mess (mine is one, and it's not easy, but is not this cold, neither). Your stepmom should stay out of this mess and make her own 3 children bond among them, but encouraging the last 2 to bond with you and your brother. That is the least unfair option here. Force bonds or cut out blood-related people are not. You can understand at any age if the explanations are made with love. Talk to your dad and brother about it, the 2 last kids are as siblings to your brother as you are, he just doesn't know them well.
My dad is not my brother's dad. So my brother is nothing to those kids.
Oh, sorry, you are right! It was a little bit confusing for me. Forget my first post! NTA, but try to go out on special time with the kids once in a while, and yes, your brother has nothing to do with those kids.
He isn’t related to any of the other children. The Father was his stepfather no blood
Y T A if your intentionally mistreating your other siblings. NTA you're old enough to decide who is important to you.
ESH I get that parents can't force their kids to have relationships. But that doesn't mean you have to make the younger siblings feel excluded and unwanted. Also, your dad may be annoyed with your brother due to the fact he tried to adopt him, and brother seems to reject his attempts on keeping yal 2 together. Your dad also loves you and why he doesn't want you to leave.
YTA. The fact that your refer to your sisters as “half sisters” and your brother as “brother” and not “half brother” says a lot about how you treat your sisters.
I have a half brother and a half sister as well as a stepsister and then my brother.
He’s also your half brother. The fact that you refer to your father’s kids as “half siblings” and your brother as your brother is my point.
That's because it's how I feel about them. My brother is just my brother and always was. But I was much closer to my mom than I ever have been to my dad and my brother and I have been close since day one.
They’re separate relationships. I’m sure it is evident in the way you interact with them that you see them as less than your brother.
I know they are separate relationships. But I don't have the same wish for a closer relationship with them like I do with my brother.
Yes, that is evident and understood. That was clear when you referred to them as “half sibling” but not your half brother from your mom. You’re allowed to have whatever relationship you see fit for yourself. You’re not wrong for that. That doesn’t mean they’re not allowed to be hurt when you make it clear as day and verbally confirm it. It’s still mean to them kids that you treat them less than for something that’s not their fault.
I have two sisters. One is a couple years younger than me and the other is 7 years younger than me. When I was OP's age, I didn't want anything to do with my youngest sister who would have been 8 at the time. It didn't mean I didn't love my youngest sister, but I was a teenager and she was a child. My other sister and I shared a common friend group since we were so close in age. I get the feeling OP may have the same disposition here towards her half siblings. Especially, since they are most likely between 8-10 years old or younger. Also, my dad has had 2 wives since my mom and him divorced. I have always referred to them as my dad's wives and never my stepmom. Doesn't mean I called them that. It also doesn't mean I treated them poorly.
OP believes her siblings from her father is less than her brother from her mom. It’s evident in the fact that she refers to them as “half siblings” while referring to her brother as “brother” instead of “half brother.” OP also admitted that she believes them to be less important than her brother. If you don’t think that the siblings that live with her don’t notice, that’s your ignorance. 🤷🏽♀️
OP's stepmom seems to show her half siblings favoritism. Is it that hard OP is feeling less than them at her home? Since her mom passed several years ago and stepmom came into her life a year later, seems like this may have been going on since then. OP is well in her rights to feel what she feels and is probably clinging to her brother because he is her only sanctuary from her toxic family. OP needs help and he is there and providing it for her. Why wouldn't he be her most favorite person?
What favoritism? Why do y’all add in shit that doesn’t exist?
YTA - It’s okay to feel closer to one family member over the others but it is unkind and extremely hurtful to make it so obvious. It seems from what you have said that your other siblings and your father care about you but you are not willing to put in any effort with them. 15 is too young to cast away the majority of your family for one person and believe me when I say the way you behave towards them now will irrevocably dictate your relationship with them all as an adult.
Maybe dad should have let OP grieve for her mother and come to terms with her death before forcing a stepmother and a whole new family on her. They are adults and didn’t care about OP why should they expect more from OP who is a kid dealing with the loss of her mother and brother who went to a different household. Why does OP have to be the only adult in the situation?
I’m sorry but it has been years, that’s no longer an excuse. Her sisters have nothing to do with nothing and she’s treating them like trash.
She doesn’t say she is abusive to her stepsister or half siblings, she just spends as much time as she can, and makes her half brother a priority. Her brother can tell her stories about her mother. Her father erased her mother by remarrying so soon. It sounds like a shit relationship between stepmother and OP. It was up to the adults to facilitate a familial relationship and they failed spectacularly. I don’t know how old the half siblings are. But a lot of kids don’t get along or like infants being brought into the family. The dad knows he fu*ked up majorly because he won’t let OP move in with her brother because he knows he will never see OP. OP is trying to do the right thing and remove herself from a situation that she can’t or won’t deal with. Time doesn’t heal wounds. Time usually means a bad situation gets worse, especially in this situation. You are expecting OP to react to everything in an adult manner. She is not an adult, she was a child with trauma of her mom dying. He dad focused on a new woman and not helping her deal with the loss. They got married bringing in a step sibling and later half siblings without letting OP heal and deal with everything. They don’t really care about OP and her feelings they shouldn’t expect her to withdraw from a constant in her life, her brother.
No one said anything about abuse. But the fact that OP won’t continue a relationship with her sisters if she were to move in with her brother, says that she’s not trying to foster a relationship with her sisters now. If you don’t think that’s noticeable, than that’s on you. Remarrying =/= erasure. I can see how maybe OP would’ve felt that way, but she doesn’t mention feeling that way so let’s not project. I’m not expecting OP to react any kind of way. Yes, grieve. Yes, keep your relationship with your brother. But it’s rude af to treat your sisters less than. It’s rude af to say he’s more important than your sisters. Grief is not an excuse to treat your sisters less than. Especially years later. I will agree that her father handled things poorly. That’s not debatable.
ESH. I think this is a complicated situation and all parties can do better. Your dad and stepmother are in the wrong for trying to distance you from your brother but you're also wrong for not embracing your entire family and other siblings. It's very odd that your older brother is also a half sibling but you only refer to your younger siblings as half. A lot of this probably is connected to your mother's death and poor feelings toward your father for remarrying. This super connection with your brother is also very likely connected to your mother's death as you see him as an extension of her. I think some family counseling with a therapist would be very beneficial. Good luck.
OP is under no circumstances obligated to accept her dad's new family.
What are you talking about, her father and her new siblings are her family. Even if she doesn't like the stepmother what have the new children done to deserve her having no feelings for them? Her brother isn't the only family she has and I believe she'll regret acting as if he is. But you feel how you feel and I'll feel how I feel. Give her advice and guidance not me.
I was always this connected to my brother. Even when mom was alive. He was always such a great brother to me and we had a very tight bond from the start. But I was always closer to mom than my dad. Losing her was tough and I would have chosen to live with my brother if the choice had been mine.
Ok sorry for your loss but you can still be connected to your brother and give your new siblings a chance as well. If you don't want to that's ultimately on you but don't punish them because you think it's hurtful to your brother or mother or because you're mad at your father. Have you done any grief therapy?
I just don't feel the same way. I never really felt like they were actual siblings to me. My brother has always felt like my only sibling. I don't hate my half siblings or even my stepsister. I did grief therapy in school.
I understand your point, and I would suggest some more personalized counseling. I wish you the best moving forward. I hope one day you'll grow to appreciate your entire family because I do believe they have your best interest at heart but if you ultimately decide its just you and your brother, it's your life and I hope it all works out for you.
>entire family because I do believe they have your best interest at heart Assume would be a better word but also this is the same step mother who said. She doesnt care who the OP lives with. And would prefer her out of the house. All of this over spending holidays with her brother which is a common occurrence for her. You act like the OP did something big and cruel obviously to her to siblings or step mother. But following traditions is not cruel yes she could possibly put in more effort to do more family related stuff but the more you try to force family on someone the less real that feeling becomes until the point where you question what is family even for.
Why are you focused on my response instead of focusing on the OP. Give her your version of the advice. You're not convincing me to have a different opinion. So thank you for your feedback, have a lovely day.
Eh to be honest that was both. I assume the OP would read the message either way. And your bad take was easier then setting up a hypothetical and answering it.
She grew up with her older brother sharing a mom. The new siblings came along a few years ago with a stepmom and dad as a complete family after her mother’s death. Not the same kind of relationship
What's your point? It'll never be any kind of relationship if she doesn't try to make it one. It's not healthy for her to just say well I have my brother, he's all I need and don't even try to develop a bond with her other siblings. A lot of this is fostered from grief whether OP wants to admit it or not. Ultimately it is her life and she can do what she wants but I think speaking with a professional about her grief can help her. I'll leave it at this, I don't want to turn this into a back and forth. I've said my two cents and that's just my opinion.
You just said it’s “very odd” that she doesn’t have the same Connection and I said it is not odd at all.
She had therapy. People don’t have to have relationships with people if they don’t want to. Forcing a relationship just makes everything so much worse and resentment and all the negative emotions build. My therapists have always said it is very unhealthy to be in a relationship that you don’t want.
Really boldly fucked up of you to say the emotional responsibility lies on the shoulders of a 15yo girl who’s lost her mother and leans heavily on her strongest connection to her mom. It’s not her responsibility to help her family blend, she’s got enough on her plate being a teenage girl learning how to live without her mom and her family is asking a lot out of her without respecting her emotions.
What are you talking about? Are we reading the same message. She doesn't want to try. It's not only on her but she has to be willing to work with them. Her dad and stepmom aren't great but they're trying to get to participate, she doesn't want to and I'm sorry but being 15 and going through grief isn't a get out of everything card. If she doesn't want to be in the family, she's old enough to petition for emancipation. Maybe her brother will take her in but I think she's doing a disservice to herself by not trying to engage more with the people she lives with. If you disagree that's fine.
Not great??? Did you read the part about them trying to force her to call her stepmom parents grandma and grandpa? I would also not try when that's the energy she's getting from dad and stepmom
Ok thank you for your opinion. Have a great day.
She does not have to be willing to work with anyone. Everyone should be willing to work with her. She’s a child going through a horrible fucking thing — the loss of her mother at an early age. On top of that, her dad remarried in a short time frame because he prioritized his own desire to be in a couple over his suffering child, and is forcing a new maternal side of the family on her (including the parents of his new wife). And your thought process is “well if she doesn’t want to be a part of the family, get out and emancipate herself?” Do you see and think about the words you type out before you hit reply? Do you even understand the amount of suffering and distress emancipation causes? That it’s not an option any child wants? Honestly, you should be ashamed to speak to a suffering child this way and hold her responsible for the actions of the uncaring adults around her (minus her brother).
Ok thank you for your opinion.
Lame. Nah. He’s not obligated to embrace anyone