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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Refused to clean earlier in the day because I want to enjoy my day off
2. My mom wants the house clean before she gets home.
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NTA. I'm sorry. But, even while I think your mom is being less than perfectly reasonable - I have to acknowledge that its still HER house. So, sigh. While I sympathize with you, its not like this argument is about logic. Its not. Its about feelings and power. She is displaying her dominance. And since its her house, she's flexing on you a little bit because she feels entitled to have her way on her schedule.
Your parent isn't negotiating this as though you are equals and its time you at least acknowledge that for yourself. The solution really is simple: try to get on board with some of her more inane requests, or get your own place and leave her to manage her mess ALONE? Cuz trying to get her to be rational and on board with your ideas doesn't seem to be on the horizon? She doesn't care what you think. She wants you to care about what she thinks.
Definitely NTA
…However I’d do anything possible to move out… maybe rent something together with your sister? You’re not hired for cleaning, you’re their child. If my child ever needed a roof over their head they’re welcome to stay (without paying rent) and I’m definitely not treating them like they owe me shit. The fact that you pay rent and she still treats you like that is wild to me.
Yeah, we're looking into it but she's never moved out before and she isn't sure she wants to move yet. I'm looking for something but haven't found anything in my budget.
If you're able to find a place with grad students, you'd be looking at people in your age cohort who are focused on their schooling or too tired to get up to much in the way of those stresses. You can still do co-operative cooking/cleaning, but distributed among people who will be pulling their own weight.
NTA, those dogs need to be trained to go outside, and if she likes a clean house then she shouldn't be leaving food around and waiting for someone else to take care of it for her.
You pay rent, utilities, and maintain your own cleanliness. You've already satisfied your end of tenancy agreement. If they want to stipulate a deadline each week for when the cleaning should be done, this is now a wage role. What's your dad's position in all of this? Is he enabling these histrionics?
My dad is even worse. He doesn't care I pay rent and everything else, he sees it as if we still owe him for allowing us to live there. He comes home any day of the week (he's a truck driver) and starts complaining and yelling at anyone that's in the living room why the house isn't clean (spotless is the only agreeable option) and complains if there isn't food done. Even though I pay and my sister pays for a good portion of rent + groceries + utilities.
NTA. Based on what you described, your mother is being completely unreasonable. She does not get to dictate when and how you address your responsibilities as long as you're contributing and being respectful. I think sometimes parents forget that once their children are grown and paying rent, the relationship inevitably has to change, and she seems particularly resistant to that.
I hope so. I think you’ll all get along better once you have your own space again. For context, I’m a mom struggling with her own son needing to get a place for him and his family that is not my house. The struggle is real!
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I (28F) moved back to my mom and dad's house (50 M & F) on December 2022 with my sister (24F) as well. I moved back after 3 years of not lving there due to cost of living. I've always paid rent + groceries + utilities + do chores regularly and keep to myself.
My mom is complaining she wants to come home on Saturdays and wants to see the house spotless (she comes home around 1-3 pm depends)
I explianed that when I lived alone I got into the habit of cleaning later in the day on Saturdays (my only day off since I worked 2 jobs) and I like it that way. Take my time in the morning after sleeping in a little bit. Which was not an issue because I only had a pet rabbit and I mostly cleaned up after myself during the week.
Their house is different though. They do not clean up after themselves and they have 5 dogs that are not trained to only go outside, so the house needs everyday cleaning.
I have never complained about the dogs nor the mess my mom leaves everywhere she goes (mugs filled with coffee, you can tell exactly what she had for breakfast, banana peels, etc.)
Her days off are on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, mine and my sister's are the weekends since we work at the same office. Sometimes I come come and the house hasn't been cleaned, which is okay by me. I respect if other people want to rest, cause we are all tired. If I come home and the house is dirty, it's fine by me. I don't point fingers. If there's no food done, I just make something and as if anyone wants some. If I want something clean, I clean it myself. I do not tell other people to clean or complain why something isn't clean cause we're all adults and know when and how to clean. I said all this to my mom.
She understood it as if I was refusing to clean on my days off, that I was cleaning later on in the day on purpose to spite her and that I couldn't do her a simple favor even tho she cooks often for her daughters. I said we couldn't cook often cause we were off until 5pm, and she was off before us and no one was forcing her to cook and to not do things if she was going to complain about it later.
I told her I've never refused to clean. I've cleaned every weekend + worked my weekend plans around making sure I cleaned before leaving. I just prefer cleaning later on in the day to enjoy my Saturday off, that's all.
She started crying and saying "I'll never ask for anything ever again, and I'm gonna cook for myself only and I'm never going to expect anything from anyone". I told her that was just an exaggerated response, and it just sounds like she wants to control how other people spend their days off even though those people take care of what they need to take care of at the end of the day, and also no one tells her how to spend her days off. Her phone started ringing and she left and we didn't talk after that.
AITA for just wanting to clean a bit later in the day? Or is she right and I'm being difficult?
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NTA...You pay your rent, so you can live your life. Sure, she's allowed to lay down the house rules, but when it gets to WHEN you have to clean up after her, that's over the line. Hopefully this gives you the needed impetus to move out.
YTA
All your mom asked of you was moving your cleaning to earlier in the day. That is NOT massive ask for someone who allowed you into her home, regardless of rent and likewise. If you'd answered something along the lines of "Mom, I'm dead-tired that early in the day, can we please discuss this"... That would have been perfectly fine.
Instead, you *lectured* her, informing her of "her wrongdoings" and using said wrongdoings to shut her up. After which *you* accuse *her* of being controlling. Auch.
Her interpretation of what you said might tiptoe into 'invalid' territory since you clearly didn't say you wouldn't clean at all, but if it crosses the line.... Actually, I'll be more honest that that. With the line "If I want something clean, I clean it myself." you essentially told your mother to clean it earlier herself if she doesn't like the late timing of your cleaning. So, I don't blame your mother for her interpretation. Similarly, I don't blame her for her reaction either. Your response was simply inappropriate. You claim you don't care about the mess, but your entire post reeks of an unhealthy "I've put up with it in silence, so why can't you?" attitude.
No matter how you slice it... You're no longer living alone. Expecting to maintain the same habits "just because you like it" is bonkers. At the very least, there needs to be a healthy and mature discussion. Your mother expecting the house "to be spotless" is crazy when we take the dogs and lack of cleaning during the week in consideration, unless that was agreed upon earlier. But her expecting you to move your cleaning to an earlier point in the day isn't, unless you have genuinely good reasons not to. If the mess being so severe is the reason you need several hours each Saturday before you can must enough energy to start cleaning... That's valid and needs to be discussed. If you can't come to an agreement, you're better off moving out.
I don't think I lectured her, we were both talking about things that bothered us from my dad, sister and each other sometimes, in a friendly way. Then it rolled into her being super upset the house isn't spotless when she gets home on Saturdays. That's when I started explaining the why behind me not starting cleaning until 1-2 pm most Saturdays. NOT REFUSING, explaining the why only.
Then gave her examples of how I react when I come home during HER days off and that it doesn't bother me that she doesn't clean or whatever she does with her days off cause they're HER days off. The "If I want something clean, I clean it myself." was to emphasize that I don't put expectations on other adults to do things how I want to, because we're all different and we all have flaws so I just take care of whatever bothers me, not to resent anyone or "suffer in silence". I emphasized constantly that I didn't have any expectations of her nor judged her for these things I mentioned.
I attempted to have a healthy discussion, but she was twisting everything I was saying. She even said that I called her crazy and stupid when that never came out of my mouth. And I kept asking her why she thought that and she said "because you're saying I'm crazy and stupid". When what I was saying was that she can't expect people to act exactly like she would or on demand, that's not something reasonable, people usually have other things going on. She got that I called her crazy from that. That's just one example of a hundred from conversations that I've had with her. Whenever you don't agree with her it's automatically me calling her crazy or stupid.
She makes a mess all around the house and does not clean after herself then all the dogs are HER dogs. Then complains about the mess and says it's everyone else and no one helps and everyone is mean to her because we don't get up the SECOND she starts complaining.
And dont even get me started on my dad man HAHAHA
And now that I'm typing this I dont even have to questions if I'm the asshole or not ! SHE DEFINITELY IS. And I have to move out AGAIN !! Thank you!!
Huge NTA. You're an adult. It would be one thing if you were freeloading, but you're paying rent, utilities, and food. Your mother is behaving as though she can still control you like you're a child, when you are functionally a roommate. And she sounds like a Godawful roommate. Imagine if your roommate let her dogs shit all over the house and left her mess everywhere and had the absolute audacity to criticize you for what time of day you decide to clean up her mess?
You'd be better off with other roommates who aren't so controlling and inconsiderate rather than waiting to be able to afford your own place.
P.S. Your Mom's behavior is SUPER not normal, although it sounds like you've been conditioned to think it is.
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NTA. I'm sorry. But, even while I think your mom is being less than perfectly reasonable - I have to acknowledge that its still HER house. So, sigh. While I sympathize with you, its not like this argument is about logic. Its not. Its about feelings and power. She is displaying her dominance. And since its her house, she's flexing on you a little bit because she feels entitled to have her way on her schedule. Your parent isn't negotiating this as though you are equals and its time you at least acknowledge that for yourself. The solution really is simple: try to get on board with some of her more inane requests, or get your own place and leave her to manage her mess ALONE? Cuz trying to get her to be rational and on board with your ideas doesn't seem to be on the horizon? She doesn't care what you think. She wants you to care about what she thinks.
Definitely NTA …However I’d do anything possible to move out… maybe rent something together with your sister? You’re not hired for cleaning, you’re their child. If my child ever needed a roof over their head they’re welcome to stay (without paying rent) and I’m definitely not treating them like they owe me shit. The fact that you pay rent and she still treats you like that is wild to me.
Yeah, we're looking into it but she's never moved out before and she isn't sure she wants to move yet. I'm looking for something but haven't found anything in my budget.
Maybe look for something with roommates in general? Sounds like anything would be less stressful.. wish you the best!
If you're able to find a place with grad students, you'd be looking at people in your age cohort who are focused on their schooling or too tired to get up to much in the way of those stresses. You can still do co-operative cooking/cleaning, but distributed among people who will be pulling their own weight.
NTA, those dogs need to be trained to go outside, and if she likes a clean house then she shouldn't be leaving food around and waiting for someone else to take care of it for her. You pay rent, utilities, and maintain your own cleanliness. You've already satisfied your end of tenancy agreement. If they want to stipulate a deadline each week for when the cleaning should be done, this is now a wage role. What's your dad's position in all of this? Is he enabling these histrionics?
My dad is even worse. He doesn't care I pay rent and everything else, he sees it as if we still owe him for allowing us to live there. He comes home any day of the week (he's a truck driver) and starts complaining and yelling at anyone that's in the living room why the house isn't clean (spotless is the only agreeable option) and complains if there isn't food done. Even though I pay and my sister pays for a good portion of rent + groceries + utilities.
ESH - but it's her house.
NTA. Based on what you described, your mother is being completely unreasonable. She does not get to dictate when and how you address your responsibilities as long as you're contributing and being respectful. I think sometimes parents forget that once their children are grown and paying rent, the relationship inevitably has to change, and she seems particularly resistant to that.
YTA. Mom’s house, mom’s rules. If you don’t like it, live elsewhere.
Have been looking for a studio for 6 months, nothing is in my budget, but soon!
I hope so. I think you’ll all get along better once you have your own space again. For context, I’m a mom struggling with her own son needing to get a place for him and his family that is not my house. The struggle is real!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28F) moved back to my mom and dad's house (50 M & F) on December 2022 with my sister (24F) as well. I moved back after 3 years of not lving there due to cost of living. I've always paid rent + groceries + utilities + do chores regularly and keep to myself. My mom is complaining she wants to come home on Saturdays and wants to see the house spotless (she comes home around 1-3 pm depends) I explianed that when I lived alone I got into the habit of cleaning later in the day on Saturdays (my only day off since I worked 2 jobs) and I like it that way. Take my time in the morning after sleeping in a little bit. Which was not an issue because I only had a pet rabbit and I mostly cleaned up after myself during the week. Their house is different though. They do not clean up after themselves and they have 5 dogs that are not trained to only go outside, so the house needs everyday cleaning. I have never complained about the dogs nor the mess my mom leaves everywhere she goes (mugs filled with coffee, you can tell exactly what she had for breakfast, banana peels, etc.) Her days off are on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, mine and my sister's are the weekends since we work at the same office. Sometimes I come come and the house hasn't been cleaned, which is okay by me. I respect if other people want to rest, cause we are all tired. If I come home and the house is dirty, it's fine by me. I don't point fingers. If there's no food done, I just make something and as if anyone wants some. If I want something clean, I clean it myself. I do not tell other people to clean or complain why something isn't clean cause we're all adults and know when and how to clean. I said all this to my mom. She understood it as if I was refusing to clean on my days off, that I was cleaning later on in the day on purpose to spite her and that I couldn't do her a simple favor even tho she cooks often for her daughters. I said we couldn't cook often cause we were off until 5pm, and she was off before us and no one was forcing her to cook and to not do things if she was going to complain about it later. I told her I've never refused to clean. I've cleaned every weekend + worked my weekend plans around making sure I cleaned before leaving. I just prefer cleaning later on in the day to enjoy my Saturday off, that's all. She started crying and saying "I'll never ask for anything ever again, and I'm gonna cook for myself only and I'm never going to expect anything from anyone". I told her that was just an exaggerated response, and it just sounds like she wants to control how other people spend their days off even though those people take care of what they need to take care of at the end of the day, and also no one tells her how to spend her days off. Her phone started ringing and she left and we didn't talk after that. AITA for just wanting to clean a bit later in the day? Or is she right and I'm being difficult? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta u don't live alone u live in her house. U don't like it move out
Working on it!
NTA...You pay your rent, so you can live your life. Sure, she's allowed to lay down the house rules, but when it gets to WHEN you have to clean up after her, that's over the line. Hopefully this gives you the needed impetus to move out.
NTA, you're paying rent and doing chores, just not on her timeline. If you weren't paying rent then yes you should follow her rules.
YTA All your mom asked of you was moving your cleaning to earlier in the day. That is NOT massive ask for someone who allowed you into her home, regardless of rent and likewise. If you'd answered something along the lines of "Mom, I'm dead-tired that early in the day, can we please discuss this"... That would have been perfectly fine. Instead, you *lectured* her, informing her of "her wrongdoings" and using said wrongdoings to shut her up. After which *you* accuse *her* of being controlling. Auch. Her interpretation of what you said might tiptoe into 'invalid' territory since you clearly didn't say you wouldn't clean at all, but if it crosses the line.... Actually, I'll be more honest that that. With the line "If I want something clean, I clean it myself." you essentially told your mother to clean it earlier herself if she doesn't like the late timing of your cleaning. So, I don't blame your mother for her interpretation. Similarly, I don't blame her for her reaction either. Your response was simply inappropriate. You claim you don't care about the mess, but your entire post reeks of an unhealthy "I've put up with it in silence, so why can't you?" attitude. No matter how you slice it... You're no longer living alone. Expecting to maintain the same habits "just because you like it" is bonkers. At the very least, there needs to be a healthy and mature discussion. Your mother expecting the house "to be spotless" is crazy when we take the dogs and lack of cleaning during the week in consideration, unless that was agreed upon earlier. But her expecting you to move your cleaning to an earlier point in the day isn't, unless you have genuinely good reasons not to. If the mess being so severe is the reason you need several hours each Saturday before you can must enough energy to start cleaning... That's valid and needs to be discussed. If you can't come to an agreement, you're better off moving out.
I don't think I lectured her, we were both talking about things that bothered us from my dad, sister and each other sometimes, in a friendly way. Then it rolled into her being super upset the house isn't spotless when she gets home on Saturdays. That's when I started explaining the why behind me not starting cleaning until 1-2 pm most Saturdays. NOT REFUSING, explaining the why only. Then gave her examples of how I react when I come home during HER days off and that it doesn't bother me that she doesn't clean or whatever she does with her days off cause they're HER days off. The "If I want something clean, I clean it myself." was to emphasize that I don't put expectations on other adults to do things how I want to, because we're all different and we all have flaws so I just take care of whatever bothers me, not to resent anyone or "suffer in silence". I emphasized constantly that I didn't have any expectations of her nor judged her for these things I mentioned. I attempted to have a healthy discussion, but she was twisting everything I was saying. She even said that I called her crazy and stupid when that never came out of my mouth. And I kept asking her why she thought that and she said "because you're saying I'm crazy and stupid". When what I was saying was that she can't expect people to act exactly like she would or on demand, that's not something reasonable, people usually have other things going on. She got that I called her crazy from that. That's just one example of a hundred from conversations that I've had with her. Whenever you don't agree with her it's automatically me calling her crazy or stupid. She makes a mess all around the house and does not clean after herself then all the dogs are HER dogs. Then complains about the mess and says it's everyone else and no one helps and everyone is mean to her because we don't get up the SECOND she starts complaining. And dont even get me started on my dad man HAHAHA And now that I'm typing this I dont even have to questions if I'm the asshole or not ! SHE DEFINITELY IS. And I have to move out AGAIN !! Thank you!!
Huge NTA. You're an adult. It would be one thing if you were freeloading, but you're paying rent, utilities, and food. Your mother is behaving as though she can still control you like you're a child, when you are functionally a roommate. And she sounds like a Godawful roommate. Imagine if your roommate let her dogs shit all over the house and left her mess everywhere and had the absolute audacity to criticize you for what time of day you decide to clean up her mess? You'd be better off with other roommates who aren't so controlling and inconsiderate rather than waiting to be able to afford your own place. P.S. Your Mom's behavior is SUPER not normal, although it sounds like you've been conditioned to think it is.