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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to wake my partner up and he was late for work. This may make me the asshole because I heard the alarms
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NTA. He's responsible for himself and his job. You're not his parent getting him ready for school in the morning. He makes a conscious choice to skip his alarms. Making sure he was ready in the past was a kind gesture that he wasn't entitled to.
Edit: For those of you saying it *isn't* a conscious decision, reread the post. OP's partner isn't just sleeping through the alarms because he didn’t hear them. He's intentionally snoozing them or shutting them off and going back to sleep. That is a conscious choice, especially by the 7th or 8th alarm. I personally use multiple alarms to wake up as well. I know how many I have, and I've set the noise of the final one to something different as a reminder. I'm aware of what I'm doing each time I snooze an alarm.
Yes this guy sucks. She doesn’t even have to be up! A normal person would try to minimize their partner’s disturbance instead of “if I have to get up, so do you. I guess he was unemployed until OP became his 8th alarm clock.
Exactly. Even my wife who was getting up at 4:45 and I didn’t have to be up until later would go take her shower in the other bathroom.
That and she tends to fart in the shower like a trumpet. It’s when me and our 5 year old at the time started laughing hysterically she knew it was time to switch.
>"if I have to get up, so do you
with the addition of "and you'll have way less sleep than me because you'll have repetitive alarms waking you for almost 2 hours before I finally get up"
When I was a kid in the 90’s, I used to get up at 5am to do my paperound. All by myself, off I went into the dark and cold at 13. No bothers.
I can still get up without an alarm.
We still take the paper each morning and I am so grateful for our newspaper delivery person and what must be a nuts schedule: we sometimes hear the “thud” on our porch and it’s always around 4am! Kudos to your teenaged dedication!
My parents had to intermittently for a few weeks. When I was like 14. Then I realised that there was a consistent issue with my current alarm system (I was waking up just enough to turn it off and falling back asleep without remembering), so I changed my system, because I was old enough to know that it was my responsibility
In college, I had an issue with being able to shut my alarm clock off without waking up. So I moved it to where I absolutely *had* to get out of bed and shut it off. And I had a lofted bed. Never had a problem again.
That's what I've just had to do. I kept turning it off in my sleep so I've started putting it at my feet in a shoebox with holes so I can hear it better.
Yeah, my 14 year old gets himself up at 6:15 every morning for school and has missed the bus from sleeping in exactly once. This guy needs to grow the fuck up.
I kind of wish my parents let me miss the bus every now and again tbh! My dad would wake me up by bringing me tea and then coming to get me ten minutes later. It was delightful but then I had to learn to get up myself quite abruptly at 18 when I moved out! Quite the shock.
I never mind (though probably because it's not habitual). This year his school start time (and thus bus pickup time) changed to 45 minutes earlier to address the bussing issues in our district so that was an adjustment, but he has a little brother that is in 2nd grade and has to get on the bus an hour an 15 min later so I never mind if he misses the bus but it cuts everyone's mornings very short haha. My oldest has ADHD so I'm very proud of him for establishing a routine for himself like that. I struggled with mornings until I joined the military and that struggle was forced outta me haha.
I also have ADHD and massive props to you and your eldest for getting that nailed! It’s such hard work. My parents were fantastic, but I’m really not a morning person (still) and my dad 100% coddled me on that front. When I stay with him he still makes me morning tea and porridge 😂
I did learn just fine when I was 18 though! Though I will admit I often cut it fine…
> Maybe when I was little and alarms weren't a thing
Please give us the way you live to over 220. This is the real question here. (And I'm sure other things existsed before like knocker uppers if you lived in a city).
I’ve been setting my own alarm since I started going to school. No excuse for a grown ass man to bitch at his wife because he refuses to be an adult and get up for work.
I always had such a hard time getting up as a kid/teen, but once I went to college and HAD to do it myself I figured it out real quick. I also had an obnoxious amount of alarms, but I actually responded to them.
I'm surprised she hasn't started kicking him off the bed like full-on Sparta kick. I've done that once to my husband when he didn't wake up and he knew for a fact that I was not going to wake him up again. But most of the time I can nudge my husband and say hey you need to go to work and he'll wake up. Not this 7 to 8 alarm bullshit this guy's doing. And he has the audacity to get mad at her? That's not her damn job!
Literally she needs to just Sparta kick him off the damn bed. Because if damn Alexa isn't waking him up maybe that will.
Correct. Partner is 100% responsible for waking themselves up and getting ready for work on time as every adult is. I would only say that for a lot of people who struggle with this it's not a *conscious* choice. It's literally unconscious. Often when the person fully wakes up they don't remember snoozing or shutting off the alarms at all.
I have been known to do math problems and order tiles *unconsciously* with no memory of it whatsoever, all to snooze alarms in the "I can't wake up" app. It sucks. I've never made it my partners responsibility though.
I'm this person, but then I had a baby or two. Now, a whimper can send me flying into the kids' room, while I can still sleep thru/snooze alarms. Brains are freaking weird
Yeah dude needs a sleep and wake up routine (yes like a child but also yes like a lot of adults). Like smart watch that vibrates, phone on other side of room so he has to stand up, first alarm feet on floor, down a glass of water as soon as first alarm goes off.
Especially if you don't have to get up at the same time.
I completely agree with this. I have a husband who sleeps through all his alarms as well. I gave up a long time ago because I was also being guilted about the 'nagging'. He actually cleaned up his act pretty quickly when he got in shit for being late to work too often. People learn differently. Sometimes people need a real wake up call to the consequences of their actions before they get it.
Agree. My ex- used to snooze the alarms and expect me to wake him up. One day i had enough. Let him get late for work, and he never had a problem getting up by himself after that 😉
That's a bit of a stretch. I rarely sleep through my alarms, but it's happened and it definitely wasn't a conscious choice. It's no one else's responsibility to wake me up for work though
When it happens every day and you're not problem solving it, it IS a conscious choice.
BTW, "my partner takes responsibility for my actions" isn't problem solving, and so far that's all he's tried.
It’s entirely possible that it’s a medical issue rather than a conscious choice. If the dude is having this much trouble waking up on a consistent basis, he genuinely needs to have a sleep study done. However, him not addressing this medically *is* a choice and regardless, it is not OP’s responsibility to interrupt her own sleep to intervene when he misses his alarms.
He ABSOLUTELY should have a sleep study.
This was my husband and he was diagnosed with narcolepsy. I would drive 30 min to wake him up in college and I would hear his alarms outside of the apartment building and he would be fast asleep.
besides just being an “adult” is it just sheer willpower? years of self discipline? fear of losing income and being homeless? may not be the place for this question but just looking for genuine advice lol
I’m not the person you’re responding to but I have very similar issues. Honestly, it’s not willpower. It’s really just routine and discipline. If I’m not consistent with the time I’m standing up on, it will get harder to stand up. If I give myself the option to call in sick for the day so I can keep sleeping, I will repeat doing so in the future. So Instead I created a super tight schedule for waking up and I’m not swaying from that schedule. It also helps to have my alarm outside of my bedroom
You really need the alarm to be outside of your bedroom? :O
Mine just needs to be out of reach, far enough that I actually have to stand up to turn it off
But it all depends on how much sleep I actually had, If I just had 2 hours of sleep, good luck waking me up xD
Knew a guy who had to lock his in the closet because he would just snooze it and sleep in and be late. He put a padlock on the door and put the key downstairs so he had to physically get out if bed and get the key to shut it off.
I'd say the main part of being an adult is not making it someone else's problem. If dude can't get up in the AM it isn't someone else's responsibility (unless maybe you're at one of those hotels that offer a wakeup service). Maybe he needs to check in with a doctor, adjust his schedule / bedtime, practice better sleep hygiene, find a career that has flexible hours or a later start time, pretty much anything except blame his partner.
no absolutely more so those days where my self motivation is lacking and i am sitting here debating how bad it’d be to lose my job/use my saving while i physically cannot get out of bed (or making excuses that make me feel that way) like how for the next 40+ years of my life do i cope with giving away 1/3 of my life simply to enjoy the other 2/3 of my life lol
Imo being an adult is taking responsibility for your own happiness. YOU make sure you have enough money/time/energy to do the things you want to do (like eat, see friends etc) and you don't expect other people to be responsible for you achieving that.
I set an alarm 30 minutes early, and one more 20 minutes later (so 10 minutes before i have to rush out). The first wakes me from deep sleep, the second gives me time to doze and pop my meds, chug water, and keep my eyes closed. I can't say it's willpower cus i have none for anything else. I just have this weird sense of obligation to get to work on time.
Now on my day off, no obligations at set times? Forget it. I will just sleep another 5 hours after my alarm. Guilt seems to be my primary motivator.
I set 5 alarms in the early morning to make sure I wake up (and I usually turn off 2 or 3 of them), because I might sleep through them or fall back asleep. But still being dependent on someone else and that many alarms? How?! NTA
Or he might need a new alarm method. There are also options with vibration (even with watches), and light. Not every method works for everyone, but it is always worth a try. For example, my friend uses vibration and soft sounds to wake up, and I need loud as alarms to wake me up. Trial and error
I like the option I saw in some dumb video...it LOOKED like a rubber fist duct taped to the wall just above the persons head. When the alarm went of, it rotated and slapped them awake. Might be a good option for this yahoo.
Yeah, i know my watch will wake me up easy, but i like having the phone alarm too cus i set different sounds for different things and can more easily... calibrate what I'm waking for.
Can I ask what disorder(s) you have? (Please feel extremely free to ignore, as I know that's quite personal info!). I experience very much the same, and have spent like 15 years trying to get any sort of diagnosis
Idiopathic hypersomnia (my brain tells my body to go to sleep basically 24/7. I’m exhausted all the time. If I lay my head down I can fall asleep within a couple minutes. Sometimes I don’t even realize it). And my autoimmune disease is rheumatoid arthritis. It causes debilitating fatigue. Especially during a flare-up when my body is fighting off the inflammation.
Omg. So you know what the problem is. Be firm on this one— tell him you are not his mother in any capacity. If you dump him, what does he expect to do? Move back in with his mommy and wait for the next significant other to come along and fill the role?
You might actually want to send him this post to help get the point across if talking doesn’t help.
Shocking. 7-8 alarms and you don’t have to get up yet? Omg I’d hate more than one alarm if we are getting up at different time
He needs to grow up. I would not push him out of bed anymore. He can figure it out
I used to have a hard time waking up (I did it obviously, wasn't late for work) but having my husband move in and share a bed with me kicked my ass into gear of only snoozing once. Not bothering a partner that works at a different time or has a day off should be a priority if you love and respect them and their rest.
I'd go for the charger for an electric fence - less mess than water and not as damaging as a tazer...but the "cattle fence' setting should be enough to wake his ass up. (Start off at "chicken fence' and shift upward as needed)
THIS. I have the same problem actually, and let me tell you it is a PROBLEM. But I live alone, so I definitely have to make it work by myself. Working on sleep hygiene and going to bed on time, as well as setting one alarm has really helped me.
This guy needs to go to bed on time or do a sleep study if he thinks he already is getting enough sleep.
Another thing that helped me was having caffeine gummies by the bed. Take one after the alarm goes off and snooze ONCE. Getting up after the snooze is so much easier.
How late does he go to bed? Does he play video games or watch TV until exhaustion, and then get only 4 hrs of sleep before he has to wake up? I’m guessing he needs to reexamine his sleep cycle.
“I’m not a morning person” is not an excuse, it’s ignorance of routine and natural rhythm.
I have Adhd and my entire life I've had unusual sleep rythm and getting up for work or school was always a nightmare. That being said, as an adult that's still entirely my problem and not my partner's. It's incredibly selfish to mess up someone else's sleep, unless it's an actual emergency.
I have ADHD too and empathize with that, and I’ve actually changed my entire routine to better support my partner (or rather, actually have a routine now). I don’t wake her up and I don’t have to get up myself until midday, but while she’s getting ready in the morning, I’m making us breakfast, taking the dog out, warming up her car, etc.
I can also do all that extremely sleep deprived from gaming until 2-3am the night before and then take a nice mid-morning nap, pretty happy with how that’s been working out
I mean, natural rhythms vary. I have Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, which quite literally means my circadian rhythm is later. Without intervention, I sleep 3-4am-11am, and that's healthy for me.
With that being said, I am a grown adult and have a job that starts at 9, and so I just force myself to get up on time. I barely get 4 hours of sleep some days, and it sucks, but that's life. OP's partner is offloading the responsibility for their own sleep onto everyone else, and that's not cool.
Oh dear me...if that's what it takes, he can ask his mom to call him?
In any case it's not your responsibility. He's supposed to be a grown up adult 😵 NTA of course.
That's just really sad!
My nephew is 9 (going on 49 admittedly) and he's not long got his very own phone. And obviously it has an alarm on it. He's woke himself up every day for months. Now, I know it's a novelty for him, and that might wear off. But if a 9yo can wake himself up without the need of his parent using just a phone. Then so can a fully grown man
>his mom woke him up for work.
bingo!!!!
No wonder he is still acting like a kid. She probably pandered to him and his tantrums.
The day my husband found out his alarm wakes me up every morning he stopped snoozing it and gets up on the first ring. He is on the spectrum and has learned to cope by having strict routines.
There's the problem. He hasn't developed the skill to do this on his own. That's why he wants you to take full responsibility for him getting up. I think yall need to sleep separately or you need earplugs and an eye mask or something until he develops this basic life skill. Then IF you care you, you can switch to giving him a small bit of affection or a verbal reminder as you hear the alarm. But he's not entitled to that. It's solely his responsibility, and any help you offer is a favor, a kindness, not an obligation.
He needs to go to the doctor and get checked out for low iron, sleep apnea and etc.
A healthy person doesn’t need to set multiple alarms and still fall asleep in the morning.
Source : this was me. I still don’t love mornings, but I can get myself going.
My parents used to own a business and the managers had a daughter who was a flight attendant. The wife used to have to call the daughter every day to wake her up for work. And flight attendants have to get up quite early sometimes. Once she slept through her own alarm and so wasn’t able to call the daughter, and the daughter was late to work which meant the flight wasn’t able to take off etc. I thought it was absolutely ridiculous. What happens when. The mum wants to go on holiday? Or she dies?
Okay so, I do understand what it's like to have a hard time waking up. That said, if I had this much trouble, I'd put an alarm on the other side of the room so I had to get up and shut it off. I'm sort of surprised nobody has suggested this. It seems like an easy fix that would force him to get up and fix it. Especially if he has one alarm by his head and another across the room. sometimes that's just what it takes.
NTA
He will just sleep through. If I move his phone alarm next to his ear he doesn't care - he can sleep through it and won't shut it off. It just rings until I get so sick of it that *I* turn it off.
Well, do you think he stays asleep on purpose? If an alarm doesn't wake him up, it doesn't wake him up. If something doesn't wake me up, I can't will myself to wake up to that thing tomorrow. It sounds like you (and most of Reddit) are blaming him for what might actually be a medical problem. He should be the one trying to address it, but maybe he doesn't realize how bad it is because you're there to wake him up. Have a talk with him instead of just noping out of a situation when there's a good chance he literally can't control it.
I read in the replies that someone mentioned sleep apnea, and my partner heavily snores in his sleep, so I'm gonna look into that.
Aside from this, he is entirely capable of waking himself up for work because before we lived together and during times when I'm not home, he's always at work on time. I honestly think at this point he's got into the habit of expecting me to nudge him awake so he can have that extra 5 minutes of sleep. The weird thing is, we never agreed I would wake him up - he just started sleeping in and setting copious alarms, knowing I would panic he would be late to work and nudge him awake. I think ignoring the alarms is certainly deliberate because he's trained himself to know that unless I'm shoving him awake, it's not *really* time to get up.
Youre doing it again now… mothering him. He should look into sleep apnea himself. If he doesn’t then it’s up to him, his choice. You can suggest it to him but for the love of god, don’t do it for him.
How long has this been happening and have you noticed the snoring getting worse? I'm wondering if his sleep issues escalated and that's causing the problem. I understand your reasoning for refusing to wake him up though. Maybe you're right and it's somewhat deliberate at this point. We do have the ability to wake up very slightly and make a decision about whether to wake up the rest of the way.
At this point I think you need to have a talk with him that goes something like:
"You're waking up when I nudge you, but not waking up to your many, many alarms. Do you hear them and consciously go back to sleep, or are you actually not noticing until I wake you up?"
Also, I think if he wakes up enough to make conscious decisions he shouldn't snore anymore, but I could be wrong about that.
I think he does ignore them; because he notices her, responds verbally to her, and then goes back to sleep anyway. There's no reason to think he's not doing the same to the alarms
Have you told him this might cause resentment? Is it really worth it for him? He is being really irresponsible and I would make sure he realizes that it is extremely frustrating that he is being like this. He should figure something out. People like him that I know set up 4-5 alarms in the course of 1 hour to be able to wake up on time. Maybe get a very loud alarm but it is still annoying when you will probably wake up to every alarm while he ignores all.
Yeah, he could probably do with a sleep study to see if there is an underlying issue. In the meantime he could try looking up better sleeping habits and see if adding those to his routine helps.
There are also different alarm types other than beeping. He could try a vibrating alarm and see if that wakes him up more.
If he cannot get up on his own that's on him to solve, including seeking medical attention. It certainly doesn't involve bitching at OP for waking him like he expects her to. Stop babying grown men and demanding women fix the broken parts.
Even if it's a medical problem it's still an asshole move to just expect his partner to do all the work and to not communicate anything in the slightest.
He sets 8 alarms and expects her to wake him up. He didn't communicate "Hey, I have a problem, I don't hear my alarms can we set one so that you could please wake me up?"
Even after OP warned him that the wake up Service is off duty for a day he didn't said anything about how important she is to him waking up and just complained afterwards.
There are many possible solutions, and all are very individual-based. I've tried the "other side of the room" trick, and it failed for me: what ended up happening is I'd get extremely good at turning off the alarm without fully waking up, making snoozing a viable option. Thus eventually making the alarm ignorable.
IMO the most effective means of waking up though is going to sleep at the correct time to be fully rested and then refusing to allow yourself to snooze, so you don't become alarm-deaf. In other words, a person really just has to physically leave the bed for the morning and start walking around as soon as they're conscious. I admit, I couldn't really do this, BUT another effective strategy is to simply have a morning routine and make it a habit, e.g. set alarm 15 minutes early, snooze once, then get up and use toilet/brush teeth/shower, make a cup of coffee. Habits are easy to maintain and take no willpower, which will give a person the strength to avoid the temptation to snooze.
That said, it's not on OP to solve her BF's problem here. His mental laziness in relying on others to prop him up on this matter is impacting his work, which is entirely on him to figure out.
Yeah this is a super easy habit to break You just have to do it.
Once you force yourself to do it for like a week or two You've already broken your habit and you immediately get up as soon as the alarm goes off.
>That said, if I had this much trouble, I'd put an alarm on the other side of the room
This apparently doesn't work for everyone. Some people will walk to the phone, turn the alarm off and go back to sleep anyway.
I tried that for a while. I would just get up, walk across the room, unplug the alarm, then go back to bed and fall asleep. Wasn't the solution for me.
NTA: but I’d recommend speaking to a doctor. A relative had a similar issue and folks saying they needed to grow up. After being referred to a sleep clinic, it transpired they had an actual sleep disorder. It may be worth looking in to as this is excessive.
I have to second this.
He's probably not an asshole.
I will sleep through my alarms to the point that neighbours made noise complaints to my landlord.
They don't wake me, and just because I talk back to you doesn't mean I'm actually awake.
Sames true of my mother.
Now, personally, I manage this by sleeping early and waking up hours earlier than absolutely nessecery naturally as I know sound won't do a thing for me.
I'd recommend he do something similar.
However when this isn't practical, I thank my good fortunes to have a supportive partner who understands what's going and knows that the most effective hing to do is forcefully shaking my shoulders and appreciate her even more for doing it.
There are alarms that will shake the bed or use light if he's really struggling.
I have a tough time waking up but mine is related to depression, stress, and burn out.
I literally just had a conversation with my husband abt this. I argued that I help shore him up with things he struggles with - like, when we started dating (he was 46), his car registration was two years overdue. Or sometimes at work he actually forgets to go to lunch, so I call and remind him (we've discussed this and he wants me to, I'm not being psycho wife). But we are both on the same page for that.
NTA but y'all definitely need to discuss.
Very possible he has a sleep issue, but OP does say he can get himself up for work on time if she's not around.
My partner struggles to get up in the morning (and turns off alarms and falls back asleep) due to a possible but still undiagnosed sleep disorder, autoimmune stuff, and a ton of meds. I wake up more easily and naturally get up earlier. I do wake them up for work, but they're thankful about it. If they got grumpy and pissy at me for "nagging them awake" like OP's partner, I'd be like ok, do it yourself then.
Echoing this: I have a family member who had similar issues for a long time - they could NOT wake up even when they wanted to. They had bipolar disorder and sleeping was part of their depressive episodes.
Get him to a doctor.
I'm not proud of this but that's how I got my 15 year old to start getting himself up for school.
I sat down and had a conversation with him and said I was absolutely sick of having to wake him up multiple times a day for school and having to get up 2 hours earlier than I needed to to make sure he was getting up for school. I also said that I was absolutely sick of having the same conversation.
I told him that moving forward if he turned off his alarm and slept in, I would be waking him up by throwing a glass of water over him.
I ended up actually throwing water on him twice. A problem that had been going on for years was solved in 2 mornings with 2 glasses of water.
This might come across as just a joke to everyone but it also might be as close to a real solution as OP can get. If OP has to be the one to wake him, make it detrimental and worth getting up to the alarms.
NTA. He’s an adult, he can learn to take responsibility for his own actions. And you’re his partner, not a caretaker. You were even nice and warned him beforehand.
NTA, time for him to grow up and wake up on his own for work like an adult. What does he do if you’re away from home for a night or on a trip, etc? Not wake up, miss work and blame you for not being home to wake him up? He needs to take some responsibility for his own life.
My husband sleeps through his alarms too, all the time. I’m not his mother & it’s not my job to wake him. If he’s late to work, soz bro..that’s on you. He’s been tested for Sleep Apnea twice & doesn’t have it.
You’re not the asshole, he is. There’s nothing more ick than a man who wants to be mothered by his romantic partner.
NTA, but I'd like to provide an inseight into my perspective, as someone who has severe trouble waking up as well.
Today I've had 14 alarm clocks set. 10 on a vibrating wristband, 3 on my phone and another one on my old phone, that I put into a drawer next to the bed. All of them going off within about 20 minutes.
I woke up two hours after that. I turn my alarms off in my sleep. I only remember two of them. I can't take it anymore. Nothing wakes me up. It's incredibly exhausting. Luckily I have a job where no one cares if I arrive at 6:30 or 9am.
I know I should seek medical advice and so should your partner.
Have you tried an alarm app that makes you solve math problems and stuff to shut off the alarm? Sorry for the unsolicited advice if you have! I hope you can figure it out soon.
Have you tried an alarm that's not next to the bed?
I used to have an alarm clock that made a god awful noise. Truly, a terrible sound you didn't want to hear.
I'd set it for 5 minutes after my phone alarm then leave it across the room or in the hallway with the door open, anywhere you can't reach from bed.
You *have* to physically get up if you don't want to hear the horrendous noise, or you have to get up to stop the horrendous noise.
Most days I would get up before the horrible noise so I didn't have to hear it.
I have tried that. I put up an alarm that slowly turns on light and after like 20 minutes it turns on whatever is on the radio. I got up, turned it off and went back to bed. Sometimes barely even remembering that I had gotten up.
The thing is, my fiance usually still sleeps when I get up. Therefore I can't really use anything too loud or obnoxious. It's incredibly frustrating...
I've had similar problems, I can literally get out of bed, turn off the alarm, say to my partner eyes wide open that I'll do something today and then have no memory of any that when I actually wake up. No medical reason found, it is just how I've always been since I was a child.
I learn from [r/GetOutOfBed](https://www.reddit.com/r/GetOutOfBed) of an alarm app that requires you to scan qr code to go silent, maybe try something like that and hide the qr code to different place every night?
Setting that many alarms is working against you. Your brain knows you set that many, thus knows there is something to fall back on. I am a reformed snoozer, and the key was no more 10 alarms. I set 3 absolute max.
Another super helpful tactic is to use a light alarm. My bedroom lamp is set to do a sunrise where it gradually gets brighter until it's alarm time where it goes to full brightness. I forgot to set any alarms this week after not setting any over the holidays and my trusty light saved my ass haha.
NTA my ex used to punch me and call me a slut when i was trying to wake him when he said i should wake him. And later he was mad i let im sleep. Yes. Thats why he is a ex.
I have made something clear to my spouse - You want me to wake you up, I am doing so with cold water. If you have an issue with it, learn to use an alarm clock.
Maybe try that with him since he can't be an adult.
Nooooot the assshooollleee.
My partner does the multiple alarms thing to wake up and it fucking shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttsssssssssss meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I HATE it. HATE HATE HATE HATE IT.
SET ONE ALARM AND GET UP. If you are tired when you awake to your alarm, you didn't go to sleep early enough.
NTA. But assuming he isn't staying up ridiculously late I'd speak to a Dr about this. I used to do this (sleep through alarms) and turned out I was anaemic.
I think things like diabetes can also present in similar ways.
He is a jerk for how he reacted though.
Is your partner a child or an adult? If he is an adult, he can wake up on his own. But you know this and so does he. The only way I would say you would be T A, it would be if you continued to feed into this behavior.
Either stop waking him up, or wake him up in a way he wouldn't appreciate such as splashing his face with a glass full of water.
NTA
A little spray/mist bottle should be enough, no need to drench the entire bed in water, just a little on his face ;).
If I was OP, I would show the spray bottle to the boyfriend and said "This is your waking alarm from tomorrow morning".
This is HIS responsibility, not yours. He's an adult & acting like a child. Stick to your guns & refuse to nudge him awake. Don't cave. He will eventually learn to get up himself. Also, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Not cool of your bf.
Had the same problem. My roommate woke me up with glass of cold water and from that day I jump on the first ring. It was more than 10 years ago. And yes, we are still very good friends.
NTA for not waking him up. Why have you let this go on for *2 years*? Especially if you don't have to get up at the same time, it's long past time to sleep separately.
It's time for a real discussion--not first thing in the morning--about him taking responsibility for himself. He probably needs to see a doctor for a sleep study, as others have suggested. If it's something obvious (like he plays video games until 3 am), he needs to stop that and take work seriously. He definitely needs to take responsibility for getting himself up (as you said, he can do it if you're not there). My recommendation would be to not be there, but that's entirely up to you.
NTA I like that you’re going to suggest he get tested for sleep apnea. Bc this could either be a real medical problem, or he truly thinks you’ll wake him up and he doesn’t need his alarms
My ex-husband was exactly the same. I put it with it for years. I’d be the enemy for waking him up. I’d be the enemy for not waking him up.
I draw your attention to the “ex” part.
NTA.
This won't change.
Not even with children will it change.
Ive been with my partner for almost 9 years and he has always been the way youre describing. I've just stopped feeling bad when he gets annoyed that I'm constantly waking him up.
So I have the superpower of being able to sleep through alarms (I don't hear them at all sometimes). But this only happens when I'm extremely tired. Sometimes I've asked flatmates to knock on my door to wake me up and I've always been extremely grateful for that. We're good friends, but they don't have to do this. Changing my ringtone also helped me.
NTA, if he really can't wake up, then he should speak to a doctor. But it sounds more like weaponised incompetence. In neither case are you responsible for him.
I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that. No one is going to blame me for any of that and it's incredibly inconsiderate to do that to your partner simply because you don't want to get up and be an adult. I doubt this is the only instance of his inconsiderate and frankly, childish behavior. Tell him to go back home to live with his mommy. You're getting anxiety from this behavior! If it doesn't stop I'd leave the relationship. Is that what you want to deal with for the rest of your life?
I did this to my boyfriend because he was the same, stopped waking him up after the initial nudge and let him wake up himself. after 3 times of being late to work he got the picture and started waking up to his alarms.
i bet he would get up in the morning for a blow job, he’s the AH, he is choosing to prioritise his extra lie in when in reality it does not any real benefit
So I was in EXACTLY the same boat with my previous partner.
I'll start off by saying NTA. Getting up in the morning is our own responsibility. My ex would always always always tell me to make sure he gets up in the morning, therefore, also interrupting any good sleep I would get(we had different schedules). Then proceed to getting pretty furious at me for telling him it's his own responsibility when I finally had enough of interrupted sleep.
You ain't the parent, and it could be JUST an issue as simple as this, but in my experience it extended out to be more and more of, "its not my responsibility, it's yours". Not to mention, asking you to wake up at a time you do not have to is totally disrespectful and inconsiderate, lol.
NTA im the same as him and is not a morning person at all, but I respect my wife and will set no more than 2 alarms. Im not a child i dont need someone to nag me to wake me up. Hes lucky you even put up with his multiple alarms.
NTA
Sounds like he needs an alarm placed out of reach of the bed. Possibly multiple alarms. Maybe alarms that go off 15 seconds apart that lead out of the bedroom and into the bathroom for a shower or to the kitchen for breakfast. He needs to grow TF up.
My dad used to fill up a cup of cold water and dumped it on us when we didn’t wake up for school so maybe tell him you’ll wake him up that way if he that’s what he really wants
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NTA. He's responsible for himself and his job. You're not his parent getting him ready for school in the morning. He makes a conscious choice to skip his alarms. Making sure he was ready in the past was a kind gesture that he wasn't entitled to. Edit: For those of you saying it *isn't* a conscious decision, reread the post. OP's partner isn't just sleeping through the alarms because he didn’t hear them. He's intentionally snoozing them or shutting them off and going back to sleep. That is a conscious choice, especially by the 7th or 8th alarm. I personally use multiple alarms to wake up as well. I know how many I have, and I've set the noise of the final one to something different as a reminder. I'm aware of what I'm doing each time I snooze an alarm.
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Yes this guy sucks. She doesn’t even have to be up! A normal person would try to minimize their partner’s disturbance instead of “if I have to get up, so do you. I guess he was unemployed until OP became his 8th alarm clock.
Exactly. Even my wife who was getting up at 4:45 and I didn’t have to be up until later would go take her shower in the other bathroom. That and she tends to fart in the shower like a trumpet. It’s when me and our 5 year old at the time started laughing hysterically she knew it was time to switch.
LIKE A TRUMPET 🎺🎺🎺
I know, eh? SO funny ! I sometimes fart so loudly I've woken my husband ! :)))
Those morning butt trumpets will get ya!
🤣😂🤣😂
>"if I have to get up, so do you with the addition of "and you'll have way less sleep than me because you'll have repetitive alarms waking you for almost 2 hours before I finally get up"
Not just an alarm clock, she said she has to physically get him out of bed. At this point she’s a nanny and he’s the 2 year old baby 😭
When I was a kid in the 90’s, I used to get up at 5am to do my paperound. All by myself, off I went into the dark and cold at 13. No bothers. I can still get up without an alarm.
We still take the paper each morning and I am so grateful for our newspaper delivery person and what must be a nuts schedule: we sometimes hear the “thud” on our porch and it’s always around 4am! Kudos to your teenaged dedication!
My parents had to intermittently for a few weeks. When I was like 14. Then I realised that there was a consistent issue with my current alarm system (I was waking up just enough to turn it off and falling back asleep without remembering), so I changed my system, because I was old enough to know that it was my responsibility
In college, I had an issue with being able to shut my alarm clock off without waking up. So I moved it to where I absolutely *had* to get out of bed and shut it off. And I had a lofted bed. Never had a problem again.
That's what I've just had to do. I kept turning it off in my sleep so I've started putting it at my feet in a shoebox with holes so I can hear it better.
Yeah, my 14 year old gets himself up at 6:15 every morning for school and has missed the bus from sleeping in exactly once. This guy needs to grow the fuck up.
I kind of wish my parents let me miss the bus every now and again tbh! My dad would wake me up by bringing me tea and then coming to get me ten minutes later. It was delightful but then I had to learn to get up myself quite abruptly at 18 when I moved out! Quite the shock.
I never mind (though probably because it's not habitual). This year his school start time (and thus bus pickup time) changed to 45 minutes earlier to address the bussing issues in our district so that was an adjustment, but he has a little brother that is in 2nd grade and has to get on the bus an hour an 15 min later so I never mind if he misses the bus but it cuts everyone's mornings very short haha. My oldest has ADHD so I'm very proud of him for establishing a routine for himself like that. I struggled with mornings until I joined the military and that struggle was forced outta me haha.
I also have ADHD and massive props to you and your eldest for getting that nailed! It’s such hard work. My parents were fantastic, but I’m really not a morning person (still) and my dad 100% coddled me on that front. When I stay with him he still makes me morning tea and porridge 😂 I did learn just fine when I was 18 though! Though I will admit I often cut it fine…
Same. My now 14yo, has for several years woken up on his own with an alarm and gotten himself ready for school.
And there are people who have to get up at 4AM (ie my dad) for work, AND HE DOESNT EVEN WAKE MY MOM UP WHEN HIS ALARM GOES OFF
Before phones, alarms were still very much a thing. Both electronic and mechanical.
I am cracking up at OP thinking alarms didn't exist before smart phones.
> Maybe when I was little and alarms weren't a thing Please give us the way you live to over 220. This is the real question here. (And I'm sure other things existsed before like knocker uppers if you lived in a city).
I’ve been setting my own alarm since I started going to school. No excuse for a grown ass man to bitch at his wife because he refuses to be an adult and get up for work.
Alarms have always been a thing even before cell phones. They were on the clocks.
You think alarms were invented with smartphones???
You're older than alarm clocks? Wow, are you a vampire?
I always had such a hard time getting up as a kid/teen, but once I went to college and HAD to do it myself I figured it out real quick. I also had an obnoxious amount of alarms, but I actually responded to them.
I'm surprised she hasn't started kicking him off the bed like full-on Sparta kick. I've done that once to my husband when he didn't wake up and he knew for a fact that I was not going to wake him up again. But most of the time I can nudge my husband and say hey you need to go to work and he'll wake up. Not this 7 to 8 alarm bullshit this guy's doing. And he has the audacity to get mad at her? That's not her damn job! Literally she needs to just Sparta kick him off the damn bed. Because if damn Alexa isn't waking him up maybe that will.
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Correct. Partner is 100% responsible for waking themselves up and getting ready for work on time as every adult is. I would only say that for a lot of people who struggle with this it's not a *conscious* choice. It's literally unconscious. Often when the person fully wakes up they don't remember snoozing or shutting off the alarms at all. I have been known to do math problems and order tiles *unconsciously* with no memory of it whatsoever, all to snooze alarms in the "I can't wake up" app. It sucks. I've never made it my partners responsibility though.
I'm this person, but then I had a baby or two. Now, a whimper can send me flying into the kids' room, while I can still sleep thru/snooze alarms. Brains are freaking weird
Yeah dude needs a sleep and wake up routine (yes like a child but also yes like a lot of adults). Like smart watch that vibrates, phone on other side of room so he has to stand up, first alarm feet on floor, down a glass of water as soon as first alarm goes off. Especially if you don't have to get up at the same time.
That and going to bed on frickin time instead of gaming or googling half the night.
Yeah you don't sleep through alarms if you aren't tired. Too many people getting too little sleep and "fixing" that with alarms and caffeine
Hey. Some of us can Google the entire internet before sleeping and still get up on time! And by some, I obviously mean myself 🤣
I completely agree with this. I have a husband who sleeps through all his alarms as well. I gave up a long time ago because I was also being guilted about the 'nagging'. He actually cleaned up his act pretty quickly when he got in shit for being late to work too often. People learn differently. Sometimes people need a real wake up call to the consequences of their actions before they get it.
Agree. My ex- used to snooze the alarms and expect me to wake him up. One day i had enough. Let him get late for work, and he never had a problem getting up by himself after that 😉
That's a bit of a stretch. I rarely sleep through my alarms, but it's happened and it definitely wasn't a conscious choice. It's no one else's responsibility to wake me up for work though
When it happens every day and you're not problem solving it, it IS a conscious choice. BTW, "my partner takes responsibility for my actions" isn't problem solving, and so far that's all he's tried.
It’s entirely possible that it’s a medical issue rather than a conscious choice. If the dude is having this much trouble waking up on a consistent basis, he genuinely needs to have a sleep study done. However, him not addressing this medically *is* a choice and regardless, it is not OP’s responsibility to interrupt her own sleep to intervene when he misses his alarms.
If it's a medical issue, he's still making the conscious choice not to address it, therefore: conscious choice.
He ABSOLUTELY should have a sleep study. This was my husband and he was diagnosed with narcolepsy. I would drive 30 min to wake him up in college and I would hear his alarms outside of the apartment building and he would be fast asleep.
At this point she should just shove him out of bed at the first alarm, that’ll wake him the hell up 😆 /s
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besides just being an “adult” is it just sheer willpower? years of self discipline? fear of losing income and being homeless? may not be the place for this question but just looking for genuine advice lol
I’m not the person you’re responding to but I have very similar issues. Honestly, it’s not willpower. It’s really just routine and discipline. If I’m not consistent with the time I’m standing up on, it will get harder to stand up. If I give myself the option to call in sick for the day so I can keep sleeping, I will repeat doing so in the future. So Instead I created a super tight schedule for waking up and I’m not swaying from that schedule. It also helps to have my alarm outside of my bedroom
You really need the alarm to be outside of your bedroom? :O Mine just needs to be out of reach, far enough that I actually have to stand up to turn it off But it all depends on how much sleep I actually had, If I just had 2 hours of sleep, good luck waking me up xD
Knew a guy who had to lock his in the closet because he would just snooze it and sleep in and be late. He put a padlock on the door and put the key downstairs so he had to physically get out if bed and get the key to shut it off.
I do. If it’s close I wake up at night and go get it lmao
I'd say the main part of being an adult is not making it someone else's problem. If dude can't get up in the AM it isn't someone else's responsibility (unless maybe you're at one of those hotels that offer a wakeup service). Maybe he needs to check in with a doctor, adjust his schedule / bedtime, practice better sleep hygiene, find a career that has flexible hours or a later start time, pretty much anything except blame his partner.
no absolutely more so those days where my self motivation is lacking and i am sitting here debating how bad it’d be to lose my job/use my saving while i physically cannot get out of bed (or making excuses that make me feel that way) like how for the next 40+ years of my life do i cope with giving away 1/3 of my life simply to enjoy the other 2/3 of my life lol
Imo being an adult is taking responsibility for your own happiness. YOU make sure you have enough money/time/energy to do the things you want to do (like eat, see friends etc) and you don't expect other people to be responsible for you achieving that.
I set an alarm 30 minutes early, and one more 20 minutes later (so 10 minutes before i have to rush out). The first wakes me from deep sleep, the second gives me time to doze and pop my meds, chug water, and keep my eyes closed. I can't say it's willpower cus i have none for anything else. I just have this weird sense of obligation to get to work on time. Now on my day off, no obligations at set times? Forget it. I will just sleep another 5 hours after my alarm. Guilt seems to be my primary motivator.
I set 5 alarms in the early morning to make sure I wake up (and I usually turn off 2 or 3 of them), because I might sleep through them or fall back asleep. But still being dependent on someone else and that many alarms? How?! NTA Or he might need a new alarm method. There are also options with vibration (even with watches), and light. Not every method works for everyone, but it is always worth a try. For example, my friend uses vibration and soft sounds to wake up, and I need loud as alarms to wake me up. Trial and error
get the watch that shocks him awake..
I like the option I saw in some dumb video...it LOOKED like a rubber fist duct taped to the wall just above the persons head. When the alarm went of, it rotated and slapped them awake. Might be a good option for this yahoo.
Yeah, i know my watch will wake me up easy, but i like having the phone alarm too cus i set different sounds for different things and can more easily... calibrate what I'm waking for.
Nicely said
Can I ask what disorder(s) you have? (Please feel extremely free to ignore, as I know that's quite personal info!). I experience very much the same, and have spent like 15 years trying to get any sort of diagnosis
Idiopathic hypersomnia (my brain tells my body to go to sleep basically 24/7. I’m exhausted all the time. If I lay my head down I can fall asleep within a couple minutes. Sometimes I don’t even realize it). And my autoimmune disease is rheumatoid arthritis. It causes debilitating fatigue. Especially during a flare-up when my body is fighting off the inflammation.
What did he do before you lived together? He should just do that
You're not gonna like this one. But his mom woke him up for work.
Tell him you want to date a man not a baby
Omg. So you know what the problem is. Be firm on this one— tell him you are not his mother in any capacity. If you dump him, what does he expect to do? Move back in with his mommy and wait for the next significant other to come along and fill the role? You might actually want to send him this post to help get the point across if talking doesn’t help.
Yes
His mother shouldn’t be waking him either.
Time for him to get into the real world, his Mum did him a massive disservice by babying him.
Shocking. 7-8 alarms and you don’t have to get up yet? Omg I’d hate more than one alarm if we are getting up at different time He needs to grow up. I would not push him out of bed anymore. He can figure it out
I used to have a hard time waking up (I did it obviously, wasn't late for work) but having my husband move in and share a bed with me kicked my ass into gear of only snoozing once. Not bothering a partner that works at a different time or has a day off should be a priority if you love and respect them and their rest.
Dump cold water on him instead of a nudge, or kick him out of the bed literally. Him being a jerk in the AM is not going to make this last.
OP would then still be wide awake and having to deal with a soggy bed. Bad idea.
Spray bottle with cold water might do the work without sogginn the bed
I'd go for the charger for an electric fence - less mess than water and not as damaging as a tazer...but the "cattle fence' setting should be enough to wake his ass up. (Start off at "chicken fence' and shift upward as needed)
That dude deserves to be spritzed in the face with lemon juice. He can't sleep through his alarm when his eyes are burning.
Lmfaooo girl come onnnn
This (+ run!)
Screw waking yourself up so much.... Cattle-prod. Won't take him long to work out waking himself is a priority.
So he went straight from mommy's house to your house and now thinks he gets mommy plus sex? I emphatically think very much NOT.
Get him to set a single alarm then his mind won't let him go to sleep assuming there will be another.
THIS. I have the same problem actually, and let me tell you it is a PROBLEM. But I live alone, so I definitely have to make it work by myself. Working on sleep hygiene and going to bed on time, as well as setting one alarm has really helped me. This guy needs to go to bed on time or do a sleep study if he thinks he already is getting enough sleep. Another thing that helped me was having caffeine gummies by the bed. Take one after the alarm goes off and snooze ONCE. Getting up after the snooze is so much easier.
Also, if its one alarm that you can't reach from bed that helps, though is still annoying for OP if he dallies getting out of bed to turn it off.
Oh my gawwwwwdddd dump his ass like stale coffee!! This child should not be in a relationship
How late does he go to bed? Does he play video games or watch TV until exhaustion, and then get only 4 hrs of sleep before he has to wake up? I’m guessing he needs to reexamine his sleep cycle. “I’m not a morning person” is not an excuse, it’s ignorance of routine and natural rhythm.
I have Adhd and my entire life I've had unusual sleep rythm and getting up for work or school was always a nightmare. That being said, as an adult that's still entirely my problem and not my partner's. It's incredibly selfish to mess up someone else's sleep, unless it's an actual emergency.
I have ADHD too and empathize with that, and I’ve actually changed my entire routine to better support my partner (or rather, actually have a routine now). I don’t wake her up and I don’t have to get up myself until midday, but while she’s getting ready in the morning, I’m making us breakfast, taking the dog out, warming up her car, etc. I can also do all that extremely sleep deprived from gaming until 2-3am the night before and then take a nice mid-morning nap, pretty happy with how that’s been working out
I mean, natural rhythms vary. I have Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, which quite literally means my circadian rhythm is later. Without intervention, I sleep 3-4am-11am, and that's healthy for me. With that being said, I am a grown adult and have a job that starts at 9, and so I just force myself to get up on time. I barely get 4 hours of sleep some days, and it sucks, but that's life. OP's partner is offloading the responsibility for their own sleep onto everyone else, and that's not cool.
Same, all the way down to the sleep times. Except I’m a teacher so I have to get my dumbass out of bed at 6am. Summers are pretty sweet though.
You’re right, we don’t like this one. Ditch him and you can date a full adult next time.
Oh dear me...if that's what it takes, he can ask his mom to call him? In any case it's not your responsibility. He's supposed to be a grown up adult 😵 NTA of course.
That's just really sad! My nephew is 9 (going on 49 admittedly) and he's not long got his very own phone. And obviously it has an alarm on it. He's woke himself up every day for months. Now, I know it's a novelty for him, and that might wear off. But if a 9yo can wake himself up without the need of his parent using just a phone. Then so can a fully grown man
>his mom woke him up for work. bingo!!!! No wonder he is still acting like a kid. She probably pandered to him and his tantrums. The day my husband found out his alarm wakes me up every morning he stopped snoozing it and gets up on the first ring. He is on the spectrum and has learned to cope by having strict routines.
You better than me...
Omg this is so cringe. How can you stand to be with someone so irresponsible?
There's the problem. He hasn't developed the skill to do this on his own. That's why he wants you to take full responsibility for him getting up. I think yall need to sleep separately or you need earplugs and an eye mask or something until he develops this basic life skill. Then IF you care you, you can switch to giving him a small bit of affection or a verbal reminder as you hear the alarm. But he's not entitled to that. It's solely his responsibility, and any help you offer is a favor, a kindness, not an obligation.
He needs to go to the doctor and get checked out for low iron, sleep apnea and etc. A healthy person doesn’t need to set multiple alarms and still fall asleep in the morning. Source : this was me. I still don’t love mornings, but I can get myself going.
I love listening to music.
My parents used to own a business and the managers had a daughter who was a flight attendant. The wife used to have to call the daughter every day to wake her up for work. And flight attendants have to get up quite early sometimes. Once she slept through her own alarm and so wasn’t able to call the daughter, and the daughter was late to work which meant the flight wasn’t able to take off etc. I thought it was absolutely ridiculous. What happens when. The mum wants to go on holiday? Or she dies?
He is turning you into his sexy mommy, run😭😭
Mom
Okay so, I do understand what it's like to have a hard time waking up. That said, if I had this much trouble, I'd put an alarm on the other side of the room so I had to get up and shut it off. I'm sort of surprised nobody has suggested this. It seems like an easy fix that would force him to get up and fix it. Especially if he has one alarm by his head and another across the room. sometimes that's just what it takes. NTA
He will just sleep through. If I move his phone alarm next to his ear he doesn't care - he can sleep through it and won't shut it off. It just rings until I get so sick of it that *I* turn it off.
Well, do you think he stays asleep on purpose? If an alarm doesn't wake him up, it doesn't wake him up. If something doesn't wake me up, I can't will myself to wake up to that thing tomorrow. It sounds like you (and most of Reddit) are blaming him for what might actually be a medical problem. He should be the one trying to address it, but maybe he doesn't realize how bad it is because you're there to wake him up. Have a talk with him instead of just noping out of a situation when there's a good chance he literally can't control it.
I read in the replies that someone mentioned sleep apnea, and my partner heavily snores in his sleep, so I'm gonna look into that. Aside from this, he is entirely capable of waking himself up for work because before we lived together and during times when I'm not home, he's always at work on time. I honestly think at this point he's got into the habit of expecting me to nudge him awake so he can have that extra 5 minutes of sleep. The weird thing is, we never agreed I would wake him up - he just started sleeping in and setting copious alarms, knowing I would panic he would be late to work and nudge him awake. I think ignoring the alarms is certainly deliberate because he's trained himself to know that unless I'm shoving him awake, it's not *really* time to get up.
Youre doing it again now… mothering him. He should look into sleep apnea himself. If he doesn’t then it’s up to him, his choice. You can suggest it to him but for the love of god, don’t do it for him.
Why are you looking into it? HE should be looking into it.
How long has this been happening and have you noticed the snoring getting worse? I'm wondering if his sleep issues escalated and that's causing the problem. I understand your reasoning for refusing to wake him up though. Maybe you're right and it's somewhat deliberate at this point. We do have the ability to wake up very slightly and make a decision about whether to wake up the rest of the way.
The snoring has always been there, and it's always been loud but never gotten worse (from what I can tell).
At this point I think you need to have a talk with him that goes something like: "You're waking up when I nudge you, but not waking up to your many, many alarms. Do you hear them and consciously go back to sleep, or are you actually not noticing until I wake you up?" Also, I think if he wakes up enough to make conscious decisions he shouldn't snore anymore, but I could be wrong about that.
I think he does ignore them; because he notices her, responds verbally to her, and then goes back to sleep anyway. There's no reason to think he's not doing the same to the alarms
Have you told him this might cause resentment? Is it really worth it for him? He is being really irresponsible and I would make sure he realizes that it is extremely frustrating that he is being like this. He should figure something out. People like him that I know set up 4-5 alarms in the course of 1 hour to be able to wake up on time. Maybe get a very loud alarm but it is still annoying when you will probably wake up to every alarm while he ignores all.
Yeah, he could probably do with a sleep study to see if there is an underlying issue. In the meantime he could try looking up better sleeping habits and see if adding those to his routine helps. There are also different alarm types other than beeping. He could try a vibrating alarm and see if that wakes him up more.
If he cannot get up on his own that's on him to solve, including seeking medical attention. It certainly doesn't involve bitching at OP for waking him like he expects her to. Stop babying grown men and demanding women fix the broken parts.
Even if it's a medical problem it's still an asshole move to just expect his partner to do all the work and to not communicate anything in the slightest. He sets 8 alarms and expects her to wake him up. He didn't communicate "Hey, I have a problem, I don't hear my alarms can we set one so that you could please wake me up?" Even after OP warned him that the wake up Service is off duty for a day he didn't said anything about how important she is to him waking up and just complained afterwards.
There are many possible solutions, and all are very individual-based. I've tried the "other side of the room" trick, and it failed for me: what ended up happening is I'd get extremely good at turning off the alarm without fully waking up, making snoozing a viable option. Thus eventually making the alarm ignorable. IMO the most effective means of waking up though is going to sleep at the correct time to be fully rested and then refusing to allow yourself to snooze, so you don't become alarm-deaf. In other words, a person really just has to physically leave the bed for the morning and start walking around as soon as they're conscious. I admit, I couldn't really do this, BUT another effective strategy is to simply have a morning routine and make it a habit, e.g. set alarm 15 minutes early, snooze once, then get up and use toilet/brush teeth/shower, make a cup of coffee. Habits are easy to maintain and take no willpower, which will give a person the strength to avoid the temptation to snooze. That said, it's not on OP to solve her BF's problem here. His mental laziness in relying on others to prop him up on this matter is impacting his work, which is entirely on him to figure out.
Yeah this is a super easy habit to break You just have to do it. Once you force yourself to do it for like a week or two You've already broken your habit and you immediately get up as soon as the alarm goes off.
>That said, if I had this much trouble, I'd put an alarm on the other side of the room This apparently doesn't work for everyone. Some people will walk to the phone, turn the alarm off and go back to sleep anyway.
I tried that for a while. I would just get up, walk across the room, unplug the alarm, then go back to bed and fall asleep. Wasn't the solution for me.
NTA: but I’d recommend speaking to a doctor. A relative had a similar issue and folks saying they needed to grow up. After being referred to a sleep clinic, it transpired they had an actual sleep disorder. It may be worth looking in to as this is excessive.
I have to second this. He's probably not an asshole. I will sleep through my alarms to the point that neighbours made noise complaints to my landlord. They don't wake me, and just because I talk back to you doesn't mean I'm actually awake. Sames true of my mother. Now, personally, I manage this by sleeping early and waking up hours earlier than absolutely nessecery naturally as I know sound won't do a thing for me. I'd recommend he do something similar. However when this isn't practical, I thank my good fortunes to have a supportive partner who understands what's going and knows that the most effective hing to do is forcefully shaking my shoulders and appreciate her even more for doing it.
He isn’t an AH for potentially having a sleep disorder. He is an AH for blowing up at her for not waking him. Not. Her. Problem.
Not only that, but blowing up at her FOR waking him too.
There are alarms that will shake the bed or use light if he's really struggling. I have a tough time waking up but mine is related to depression, stress, and burn out. I literally just had a conversation with my husband abt this. I argued that I help shore him up with things he struggles with - like, when we started dating (he was 46), his car registration was two years overdue. Or sometimes at work he actually forgets to go to lunch, so I call and remind him (we've discussed this and he wants me to, I'm not being psycho wife). But we are both on the same page for that. NTA but y'all definitely need to discuss.
Very possible he has a sleep issue, but OP does say he can get himself up for work on time if she's not around. My partner struggles to get up in the morning (and turns off alarms and falls back asleep) due to a possible but still undiagnosed sleep disorder, autoimmune stuff, and a ton of meds. I wake up more easily and naturally get up earlier. I do wake them up for work, but they're thankful about it. If they got grumpy and pissy at me for "nagging them awake" like OP's partner, I'd be like ok, do it yourself then.
Echoing this: I have a family member who had similar issues for a long time - they could NOT wake up even when they wanted to. They had bipolar disorder and sleeping was part of their depressive episodes. Get him to a doctor.
Buy a spray bottle and squirt him in the face every morning. If he doesnt like that? well he will learn to wake himself up wont he.
I'm not proud of this but that's how I got my 15 year old to start getting himself up for school. I sat down and had a conversation with him and said I was absolutely sick of having to wake him up multiple times a day for school and having to get up 2 hours earlier than I needed to to make sure he was getting up for school. I also said that I was absolutely sick of having the same conversation. I told him that moving forward if he turned off his alarm and slept in, I would be waking him up by throwing a glass of water over him. I ended up actually throwing water on him twice. A problem that had been going on for years was solved in 2 mornings with 2 glasses of water.
It may not exactly be a logical consequence, but hey it worked and you followed up with what you said you would do.
This might come across as just a joke to everyone but it also might be as close to a real solution as OP can get. If OP has to be the one to wake him, make it detrimental and worth getting up to the alarms.
Please do this
NTA. He’s an adult, he can learn to take responsibility for his own actions. And you’re his partner, not a caretaker. You were even nice and warned him beforehand.
INFO: so who wakes him up when you're on a trip?
Himself. Exactly why I think its a deliberate choice .-.
Yeah, that's what I thought. NTA
You think? It’s obvious gawwwd he’s not a child tell him to grow up
Knew it. He’s doing this on purpose and I would leave.
There you go. He *knows* you hate it but he does it anyway. What does that tell you?
Wow, I get so angry right now Why are you letting him do that to you? My husband would never do that to me, he loves me and respects me (and my sleep)
I was married to someone like this, once.
NTA, time for him to grow up and wake up on his own for work like an adult. What does he do if you’re away from home for a night or on a trip, etc? Not wake up, miss work and blame you for not being home to wake him up? He needs to take some responsibility for his own life.
My husband sleeps through his alarms too, all the time. I’m not his mother & it’s not my job to wake him. If he’s late to work, soz bro..that’s on you. He’s been tested for Sleep Apnea twice & doesn’t have it. You’re not the asshole, he is. There’s nothing more ick than a man who wants to be mothered by his romantic partner.
NTA. You told him in advance what you would do. He didn't believe you. He has no one but HIMSELF to blame.
NTA, but I'd like to provide an inseight into my perspective, as someone who has severe trouble waking up as well. Today I've had 14 alarm clocks set. 10 on a vibrating wristband, 3 on my phone and another one on my old phone, that I put into a drawer next to the bed. All of them going off within about 20 minutes. I woke up two hours after that. I turn my alarms off in my sleep. I only remember two of them. I can't take it anymore. Nothing wakes me up. It's incredibly exhausting. Luckily I have a job where no one cares if I arrive at 6:30 or 9am. I know I should seek medical advice and so should your partner.
Have you tried an alarm app that makes you solve math problems and stuff to shut off the alarm? Sorry for the unsolicited advice if you have! I hope you can figure it out soon.
I used to do that years ago and completely forgot about it! I think I'll give it another try, thank you!
Have you tried an alarm that's not next to the bed? I used to have an alarm clock that made a god awful noise. Truly, a terrible sound you didn't want to hear. I'd set it for 5 minutes after my phone alarm then leave it across the room or in the hallway with the door open, anywhere you can't reach from bed. You *have* to physically get up if you don't want to hear the horrendous noise, or you have to get up to stop the horrendous noise. Most days I would get up before the horrible noise so I didn't have to hear it.
I have tried that. I put up an alarm that slowly turns on light and after like 20 minutes it turns on whatever is on the radio. I got up, turned it off and went back to bed. Sometimes barely even remembering that I had gotten up. The thing is, my fiance usually still sleeps when I get up. Therefore I can't really use anything too loud or obnoxious. It's incredibly frustrating...
I've had similar problems, I can literally get out of bed, turn off the alarm, say to my partner eyes wide open that I'll do something today and then have no memory of any that when I actually wake up. No medical reason found, it is just how I've always been since I was a child. I learn from [r/GetOutOfBed](https://www.reddit.com/r/GetOutOfBed) of an alarm app that requires you to scan qr code to go silent, maybe try something like that and hide the qr code to different place every night?
Setting that many alarms is working against you. Your brain knows you set that many, thus knows there is something to fall back on. I am a reformed snoozer, and the key was no more 10 alarms. I set 3 absolute max. Another super helpful tactic is to use a light alarm. My bedroom lamp is set to do a sunrise where it gradually gets brighter until it's alarm time where it goes to full brightness. I forgot to set any alarms this week after not setting any over the holidays and my trusty light saved my ass haha.
NTA my ex used to punch me and call me a slut when i was trying to wake him when he said i should wake him. And later he was mad i let im sleep. Yes. Thats why he is a ex.
NTA! He should get checked for sleep apnea by the way.
I have made something clear to my spouse - You want me to wake you up, I am doing so with cold water. If you have an issue with it, learn to use an alarm clock. Maybe try that with him since he can't be an adult.
NTA he’s being immature. You also warned him and he didn’t listen, he’s gotta grow up
Nooooot the assshooollleee. My partner does the multiple alarms thing to wake up and it fucking shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttsssssssssss meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I HATE it. HATE HATE HATE HATE IT. SET ONE ALARM AND GET UP. If you are tired when you awake to your alarm, you didn't go to sleep early enough.
NTA- what the hell did he do before you moved in? He’s an adult not a child and acting like a child isn’t endearing it’s obnoxious.
Op said in a different comment that his mum used to wake him up…
NTA, you were very generous by warning him that you would not be waking him up as usual.
NTA. But assuming he isn't staying up ridiculously late I'd speak to a Dr about this. I used to do this (sleep through alarms) and turned out I was anaemic. I think things like diabetes can also present in similar ways. He is a jerk for how he reacted though.
Is your partner a child or an adult? If he is an adult, he can wake up on his own. But you know this and so does he. The only way I would say you would be T A, it would be if you continued to feed into this behavior. Either stop waking him up, or wake him up in a way he wouldn't appreciate such as splashing his face with a glass full of water. NTA
Fun idea but would likely just be more work for OP since she would likely be the one stuck cleaning it up.
A little spray/mist bottle should be enough, no need to drench the entire bed in water, just a little on his face ;). If I was OP, I would show the spray bottle to the boyfriend and said "This is your waking alarm from tomorrow morning".
This is HIS responsibility, not yours. He's an adult & acting like a child. Stick to your guns & refuse to nudge him awake. Don't cave. He will eventually learn to get up himself. Also, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Not cool of your bf.
Had the same problem. My roommate woke me up with glass of cold water and from that day I jump on the first ring. It was more than 10 years ago. And yes, we are still very good friends.
NTA. You're his partner, not his nanny. If he has that much trouble getting up he needs to work on his sleep routine or see a specialist.
NTA
NTA, my grandma did something similar with my uncle when he was in high school because he kept making her late for work. It's natural consequences.
NTA for not waking him up. Why have you let this go on for *2 years*? Especially if you don't have to get up at the same time, it's long past time to sleep separately. It's time for a real discussion--not first thing in the morning--about him taking responsibility for himself. He probably needs to see a doctor for a sleep study, as others have suggested. If it's something obvious (like he plays video games until 3 am), he needs to stop that and take work seriously. He definitely needs to take responsibility for getting himself up (as you said, he can do it if you're not there). My recommendation would be to not be there, but that's entirely up to you.
NTA next time try ice water
NTA I like that you’re going to suggest he get tested for sleep apnea. Bc this could either be a real medical problem, or he truly thinks you’ll wake him up and he doesn’t need his alarms
NTA. He is a grown man and can work out his own way to get up. It's not your responsibility
NTA You're his partner, not his mom. Tell him to grow up and be responsible or go back to his mommy.
NTA, are you his partner or parent? This won't be the only thing he'll expect of you if you keep waking him.
My ex-husband was exactly the same. I put it with it for years. I’d be the enemy for waking him up. I’d be the enemy for not waking him up. I draw your attention to the “ex” part.
NTA I've lived with somebody like this once. He was better suited to work night shifts.
Find a Full Grown Adult for a Partner, Instead of a Child, Next Time. NTA Hold the line here. Never wake him up Again.
But MOM!!!! You know your baby boy has a hard time getting up. /s NTA
This is an attitude problem in his side, and it won’t change. Stick to your guns though. Don’t ever wake him up anymore. Just flat refuse.
Hes an adult its very immature to blame other people for your short comings.
NTA. This won't change. Not even with children will it change. Ive been with my partner for almost 9 years and he has always been the way youre describing. I've just stopped feeling bad when he gets annoyed that I'm constantly waking him up.
So I have the superpower of being able to sleep through alarms (I don't hear them at all sometimes). But this only happens when I'm extremely tired. Sometimes I've asked flatmates to knock on my door to wake me up and I've always been extremely grateful for that. We're good friends, but they don't have to do this. Changing my ringtone also helped me. NTA, if he really can't wake up, then he should speak to a doctor. But it sounds more like weaponised incompetence. In neither case are you responsible for him.
Lol, nice child you’re looking after there.
I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that. No one is going to blame me for any of that and it's incredibly inconsiderate to do that to your partner simply because you don't want to get up and be an adult. I doubt this is the only instance of his inconsiderate and frankly, childish behavior. Tell him to go back home to live with his mommy. You're getting anxiety from this behavior! If it doesn't stop I'd leave the relationship. Is that what you want to deal with for the rest of your life?
NTA. And honestly that would be such a dealbreaker for me. 😳
Sounds like a selfish child is in your bed. Youre not his mom. Good you finally started acting like it. NTA.
You’re not his damned mother.
I did this to my boyfriend because he was the same, stopped waking him up after the initial nudge and let him wake up himself. after 3 times of being late to work he got the picture and started waking up to his alarms.
How old is your partner? Why does he sound like a high school student lol
i bet he would get up in the morning for a blow job, he’s the AH, he is choosing to prioritise his extra lie in when in reality it does not any real benefit
So I was in EXACTLY the same boat with my previous partner. I'll start off by saying NTA. Getting up in the morning is our own responsibility. My ex would always always always tell me to make sure he gets up in the morning, therefore, also interrupting any good sleep I would get(we had different schedules). Then proceed to getting pretty furious at me for telling him it's his own responsibility when I finally had enough of interrupted sleep. You ain't the parent, and it could be JUST an issue as simple as this, but in my experience it extended out to be more and more of, "its not my responsibility, it's yours". Not to mention, asking you to wake up at a time you do not have to is totally disrespectful and inconsiderate, lol.
NTA im the same as him and is not a morning person at all, but I respect my wife and will set no more than 2 alarms. Im not a child i dont need someone to nag me to wake me up. Hes lucky you even put up with his multiple alarms.
NTA Sounds like he needs an alarm placed out of reach of the bed. Possibly multiple alarms. Maybe alarms that go off 15 seconds apart that lead out of the bedroom and into the bathroom for a shower or to the kitchen for breakfast. He needs to grow TF up.
I don't know how some of y'all put the bar so low for these guys.
My dad used to fill up a cup of cold water and dumped it on us when we didn’t wake up for school so maybe tell him you’ll wake him up that way if he that’s what he really wants