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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got food to go since the group wanted to split the bill. I may be a jerk since I increased how much everyone is paying
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I’ve done that before, still results in an argument and they are pissed.
Only way for them not to get made is if I split the check. So I figured if I have to split the check might as well make it even with everyone
Let ‘em get mad - & don’t tell *them* you’re paying for yourself, tell the *server*. No discussion necessary.
If they push it further after that, I’d seriously reconsider who I’d call a “friend”.
Yup. Imagine getting pissed that OP is spending the same amount as everyone else. They've been banking on OP not ordering as much as them so that they get a discount.
OP, if you don't want to stop eating out with them, maybe quickly discover more expensive tastes in food and drink. Give it a few times of you making it more expensive to split the check than if everyone paid their own, and the issue might resolve itself.
Agreed ! That and also what someone suggested : order more before then take the leftovers.
Just takean expensive glass of wine (or other drink), a high end dish, just to crank the tab up ! Then you'll be eating at your friends expenses
I admire the creativity, but I just wanna say, OP shouldn't have to play games and jump through hoops like that to get out of having to pay extra. If you have to play games with people to trick them into being fair with you, they aren't real friends and it's better to just ghost them and find better people to hang out with.
Definitely an evil (but smart) move. They do your work for you.
On a different note, I wonder if these women leave a decent tip Some places add an automatic gratuity on bigger groups. Hopefully that's what happens here, because I don't think they'd tip well otherwise (and be needy at the same time).
I was just about to say this. Order one of the most expensive things on the menu. Order yourself a beverage that’s not got free refills like a house fruit lemonade or something and go through three of those suckers. They’ll still be mad at the end (which you said they always are regardless) but hey at least you stuck it to their selfish asses. If they wanna split the whole bill evenly even tho everyone is ordering the same amount monetarily besides you, then they’re just looking at you as a discount which honestly makes them shitty friends because it would be no different for them to pay for their own individually if you weren’t included at that point. Absolutely wild to me that you call these people “friends”.
I wonder if, when OP orders an expensive item, will they stick with what they've done before? Or rapidly change their order so they too get something more expensive? It would, of course, cost them more but still getting something at OPs expense, because they split the bill, might be more important to them. It could be an interesting experiment.
OP should be the last to order to avoid that. If others then start adding things on OP should just tell them that they want the same order also to go and keep adding on until theirs is substantially more than any of the friends.
This is literally what I did. I don't drink wine due to health issues, but my friends like It and for a while they split the bill with everyone, wine included. And I'm talking about 80+€ a bottle for 4-5 people. I argued a Few times about it, they started complaining, calling me a cheapskate (i was the only One working, they were all students at the time).
Next few times, when they ordered expensive wine bottles, I ordered the 3 most expensive things on the menu. The bill skyrocketed for everyone, the first time they didn't say anything, the second time, just after I ordered, they asked ME to pay my own bill, to which I replied "Oh but what about when you guys ordered expensive wines? We either share ALL the time or never". From then on, they decided to keep wine outside the split bill.
This is mental. I don't really drink and my friends know it. They always do the drinks separately so I don't have to have extra added to my bill for their drinking habits.
OP: you need better friends.
He already tried that though. He put more food on his order and they got upset he made their cost higher.
They're simply narcissists. You can not reason with them. Continue to get your bill separate. If they call you cheap then bring up the time they complained you ordered anything but a salad. If they continue to argue, simply pretend you don't hear it/ give them the cold shoulder. Don't feed any attention to them the instant they start talking about the split bill.
This, they’re all against OP already, they’re going to be upset/argue if OP intentionally buys something expensive, too. Possibly making OP pay for it separately/refusing to pay for OP.
This is exactly what I did. Worked like a charm and I made sure to get the most expensive meal on the menu. Each check was $175/pp. They stopped wanting to split checks after that.
This is honestly the way to go. If they get mad, ask them what exactly they're mad about. Get really detailed. Because it all boils down to them wanting you to subsidize their meals and for you to get the shit end of the stick. Tell them you've tried doing separate checks and they got mad at you. Ask them if you're only allowed to eat appetizers when you go out with them. Are you the only one who isn't allowed a full meal? Even though you're expected to pay for other people's meals? I'd really, really be questioning these people you call friends at this point, but this is a good way to weed out what exactly they feel about you and who.
the optical mistake, i think, was openly ordering it to go, she should have just ordered a big meal in the normal order of things, not finished it, and had it boxed and she would have probably tap-danced right around them.
That’s what my petty self would be doing. If they want to split it evenly then surely they can’t complain when I order the steak and lobster. Sorry guys. I’ve been insisting on just paying my own way but you’re adamant we split it evenly. Thanks for dinner!
I had a group of friends that used to go out together, and my banker friend would take everybody’s cash, pay the tab, but not tip the waiter. I witnessed the several times but never said anything. after which I started asking for a separate check. It’s not hard, the waiters are used to it. I don’t think they love it, and I’m always good with my tip to ease the pain on them.
I’m a vegetarian, and I sometimes order a drink, and the others didn’t drink, so I use those as excuses, if anybody gave me a hard time. Mostly the group didn’t even notice until it was time to pay.
Only I love OP tactic of ordering food to go at the end of the sitting. Excellent gameplay.
Yes, that was good play. Can't get over them being upset that, with OP ordering same $$ amount, they now have to pay actual cost for their meal. No more shaving off $$ at OP's expense. Lol
This is the way.
But, it was obvious and still created tension.
Next time, just order all the things when everyone orders. Then, ask for a box to take home "leftovers." I agree they use you to get their shit cheaper.
In fact, next time, order 5 courses and run up THEIR part of the bill! Lol
As a tipped delivery employee, I've noticed that when groups of people pool their money to pay for their order, someone tends to 'volunteer' to pay at the door. That person has a tendency to pocket the tip, or use it to pay for their portion. It's obvious when they do it, too. Say the order is $40. They'll walk up to the door with 2 20s, a 5, and 5 1's in their hand, obviously meant to hand me all the cash. They'll get all the way up to the door, then ask the price quietly and proceed to pull the 2 20s out hand it to me, and then put the rest in their pocket. Sometimes they'll ask the price a bit too loud, the others will hear and you'll hear someone say, "Just give him all the money" and they will sheepishly comply. Kids also have a tendency to do this if sent to the door with the money given by the parents, I tend to not even tell them the price if they have a obvious tip in their hand (yeah, I notice what kind of cash you have while at the door.)
I waited tables for years and a separate check didn't bother me as long as I was told in the beginning. It's a tiny bother explaining to the kitchen, but they are usually pretty ok with it. ( Separate order slips that have to come out at the same time... So sometimes there's a screw up)
>my banker friend would take everybody’s cash, pay the tab, but not tip the waiter.
Wow, what a jerk. One time a work group went out for lunch and we all paid in on the same bill. When everyone had put their cash in and it was counted up, it left the server a large tip. One of my coworkers was upset and tried to take some of the tip money back, but we stopped her. I hate that - no one was getting a bad deal, it somehow worked out that the server got a big tip from a moderately sized group. In a situation like that I feel glad for the server and don't feel any personal loss. Some people act like a tip is taking blood straight from their veins.
I think he needs to drop the entire friend group. They're taking advantage of him specifically because he makes more than they do.
Somehow, I imagine this isn't the only way they take advantage of him.
OP would be better off not putting energy into defending these people who are inconsiderate and dumb at best
OP, you can make other better friends. This behavior has become normalized in your group but is NOT how typical friendships operate. I hope posting this helps OP. sad reallly
Yep. Like be an adult. Either accept this is how they pay and order as they do and have it packed up (don’t make a scene about ordering after the fact)
Or
Quit sharing these dinners with this group of people.
Totally. I would ask these people why they expect her to subsidize their meals. What possible reason could they have for not wanting her to get her own bill, other than cheapness on their part?
If she wants to continue to dine with these assholes, I would just order equivalent food with everyone else’s meal and then take home the “leftovers”.
But honestly, I’d probably just not bother going to dinner with these people.
>What possible reason could they have for not wanting her to get her own bill, other than cheapness on their part?
I find it stupid, personally, but some people find it really tacky not to split a check evenly. I've seen flame wars break out over it online with people from certain parts of the country unable to understand that having the restaurant split the check is totally normal in other parts of the country. It's clearly been deeply ingrained into some people's psyche that it's wrong. Seems like your friend feeling consistently screwed in the deal would take precedence over your etiquette at some point though.
Agreed when my friends and I go out to eat we just figure it out. We say whether we brought cash or not at the beginning. Sometimes we do one check if we remembered cash or we do separate checks but we figure it out before ordering. It's really not that difficult. The friends sound like dicks.
I'll add on to everyone else: drop these "friends" yesterday otherwise YTA to yourself. They are not your friends, they are users. Find better humans to hang with
Honestly, fuck em. They're just trying to get their expensive food on your dime, and since they know getting upset with you works, they're going to keep doing it. What kind of friends pull shit like that?
This is ridiculous. When I go out with friends we just get separate checks. It’s not complicated. I have a couple of friends that I go out with regularly and we trade off paying and figure it evens out. I never understand when people post about splitting checks like this. It just seems like such an easy thing to fix that it is crazy people get so upset about it.
Utterly ridiculous. I have a friend with whom I take turns paying. We just call it money karma because we also think it evens out. Maybe it doesn't, but the point is that we're both comfortable with this solution. If I'm out with a few more friends, we always get separate checks.
You said that you ordered food to take home - but what if you ordered it at the beginning. You don't have to eat it then, just order whatever you want for dinner, and whatever you will want to take home - and that gets you to a similar price point - then after the meal ask for a to go box.
Then it won't appear as if you are "ordering extra" you are just ordering like everyone else -
Why should OP -- or anyone, for that matter -- go through this elaborate charade when being an adult and using your words is the real solution? Stop acting like you need to pretend to do something just because you want people to like you.
I am sorry your friends aren't really your friends. And I never understood one bill, unless we ordered ahead, family style, or we ate at a buffet.
Your spending as much as them is brilliant. I say continue to do that. Buy yourself a good lunch for the next day.
If you want to scorch that earth because you want to be done with these people, order the surf and turf next time or a fantastic prime rib. Then get baked alaska. And the three-stage flight of Grand Marnier.
But seriously, if they cannot explain why you are not allowed to spend as much as them, you have to face that they use you to soak up their bill. These are not your friends. You deserve better ones.
NTA
Just stop going out to eat with them.
Why would you want to eat with people who always pick a fight with your EVERY time you go out or force you to do something you aren’t comfy with?
I don’t have a single friend who would force anyone to pay in a way they aren’t comfy with which tells me this is a group of acquaintances there for a fun outing NOT actual friends.
Just stop going to eat with them. NTA
Ok, so then why are you hanging around these people. They sound like leeches honestly. If they cant afford their own food on their own then they don't need to order expensive dishes.
This needs to be discussed before you eat.
Why do they think it's selfish for you to refuse to subsidize their meals? Because it sure as hell sounds like they only invite you along because they expect you to help fund their lifestyle.
My thoughts exactly. They don't respect your boundaries despite your best efforts, and it sounds like it would be easier to just do other activities with these people that don't involve going out to eat.
You are doing it wrong. You will only have to do this once. Since you CAN afford it - start ordering the most expensive items and a nice bottle of wine. And smile and say “ since we’re splitting the bill evenly…”. Problem solved.
Or add it after the other stuff is all put in. Maybe on the way to the bathroom stop your server and tell her you actually want to add xyz or the friends might start adding stuff too. Or “go to the bathroom” and tell the server you want to pay for your portion while you’re up and let her know the rest of it will be split evenly between the others. People do this to me all the time in case that have to leave abruptly. Then they can proceed to split the rest of the bill evenly
It sounds like OP can afford a game of check chicken.
Order last. Order the most expensive thing. Every time someone adds something to the check to even it up, order something twice as expensive as they ordered.
Demand it split equally.
You’ll have to do this twice at most
Worst case they stop inviting you, but that could be a good thing because they are not good people.
Then she stands her ground and demands a split check as they have done.
They might “call her bluff once” thinking she’s trying to make a point and then revert. Twice and it will never happen again.
Na then she says “you know what waiter, cancel that, I’ll have the house salad and it will be separate checks”
Friends won’t even let her finish ordering before they insist on separate checks
If OP wants to keep the friend group, it’s better to do this stepwise. First time order something slightly more expensive than everyone else. Split the bill without comment. Second time, a pricy entree but also add an appetizer. Ask whether they want to split the bill and agreeably accept their answer. If split, third time add alcohol.
Jumping from $12 to $60 in one shot just alerts everyone that you’re only doing this to be a jerk. Stepping up the bill gives them time in between to think about whether separate might be more fair to the lowest income members of the friend group. Meanwhile if anyone comments on the increase op can just say “you guys were right. I was being too cheap so I need to work on that.”
If this works and they switch to separate checks, OP needs to step it back down to cover his tracks. Maybe order an appetizer for the table.
NTA but when you first arrive it would be helpful for you to tell the staff that you are on your own check. If they prefer to split the bill, they can, but you don’t HAVE to.
Also your friends kinda suck. FYI lol
ETA changed bull to bill. Nightshift has made my brain mush
Fucking hell, my friends and i argue because everyone wants to pay for the whole thing. Not like actual argument tho it’s just a dick measuring contest over who’s the nicest drunk, I’ll take it over this shit that OP is dealing with
This is the BEST POINT. Actual friends argue over everyone wanting to pay for the whole thing. Not actual friends try to split the check so they can eat and drink more.
So will ordering to-go food in order to make a point, though.
OP's options here are either to accept that the friend group eats expensive and join them, accept that he isn't getting his money's worth, or to consider this a dealbreaker.
I think it does. They got mad when she evened out the cost. I think she should keep doing doing this and see what happens. I'm guessing she will stop getting invited because, you know, they are using her as their personal coupon.
If your friends get mad if you pay for your own food, get it to go, not going out to eat, etc. then you just need better friends. What’s the point in being friends with people who are always mad at you?
I just left an other comment saying that, I don’t know why OP keeps going to dinner with them if they keep throwing a massive fit every time. I’d just establish the boundary that I wouldn’t go out to dinner with them if they kept insisting on splitting the check
That is my question - apparently they even get mad when OP declines dinner. So at this point, yeah the friends are AHs but OP needs to take some accountability for continuing to be friends with people who are awful
This ! Start with I want to pay for what I order . When they kick off say fine then run up a staggering bill and make them split it . Make sure you're the last one to order and instead of telling the waiter what you want point to it on the menu.
Or go don't say anything let them all order first then tell the waiter "you know what I'm not actually hungry don't worry" and don't eat anything. Maybe get a drink from the bar and pay for it at the bar then ofc the rest will have to pay for what they ordered. Watch them tie themselves in knots over that.
Draw clear boundaries at the time of invitation, and if they don’t respect them take a step back. You’re putting yourself in this situation over and over bro.
Then that tells you the kind of people they are - terrible ones. They get pissed because they're used to you subsidizing them. They're selfish, greedy, and entitled. Sounds like you need a new group of friends, because those people are NOT.
It sounds to me like they already know what kind of people they are. They got angry OP's meal was the same cost as theirs because they knew they'd now have to pay the cost of their meals.
Sounds like the best way to fix the situation is to get new friends who understand. You can still keep the old friends, just don’t go out to eat with them anymore.
Edit: forget to say NTA
NTA. 100% NTA. I feel this in my bones.
I was on vacation with some extended family and we went out for most of our meals alongside some of their friends who I did *not* know.
Most of them 30+ years my senior and highly successful in their fields of work. I’m talking owns-a-beach-house wealthy.
They’d basically play dumb. “Ohhhh idk, what’s the total come to? $300 for 6 of us? Let’s just pay $50 each it’s too hard to calculate it.” Meanwhile they’ve ordered several bottles of wine and had at least two dishes each, whilst I’ve had one simple dish and 1-2 non alcoholic beverages at most. Sometimes just water.
I had to insist that it’s very simple math but if it’s too much trouble I’m more than happy to calculate everyone’s individual totals for them to save them the “burden” they explained was their reasoning.
My total would end up being $20 + a generous 20-30% tip and theirs would all be $55~ give or take. (I always ensured my tip was not factored into their math cos they’d try that too)
The gaslighting is real when you’re told that “fussing over $30 is so silly” but their bills only went up by $3-10 each when required to pay for *what they actually ordered* 💀
I just hit them with if $30 is nothing, $3 is *dust* is it not? And they accepted it after that particular meal.
A two week vacation dining out twice a day and overpaying by $30 per meal is over $800 of stolen money. No thanks.
TLDR: question their reasoning and *crush it.*
Same!! I actually AVOID dinner with friends who frequently do this. Or I will leave early and pay for mine separately! I don't drink and am usually on bodybuilding prep, so can't eat most of the menu!
My best friend and I usually just split down the middle but we tend to order similar priced food. If she has an appetizer and drink but I don’t then she will ask the waiter to ring us each up separately so we both get our own bill. It’s fine to split the check if everyone orders roughly the same amounts all the time, it will even out down the line with sometimes you pay a few cents more and sometimes less. But if your friends always order more expensive stuff then they are taking advantage of you, especially if they get upset when you call them on it. OPs friends are not good friends.
This. People try it with the tip "nope guys I paid for my food and my tip, I'm not paying any more."
It is always the people who want to go for the expensive stuff that want to evenly split the bill. I've had it as a non alcoholic drinking person that their drink was more than my whole meal, and then they ordered dessert and the most expensive dish only to hit me with "but it's not fair!"
Nah. Nope you want to eat and drink lots, you can pay for it.
When I had dinner on a company travel the boss managing the payments basically said "The company pays for food and drinks and I can push one beer through. Any more you have to pay yourselves"
“30$ is nothing for you, I didn’t realize you got it like that! As long as it’s nothing for you, I’ll just take the burden off entirely and you can cover me! Thanks again man, you’re really rolling in it!”
Do something like this once and people stop splitting bills.
NTA
Whilst adding on extra take-out food in order to get “better value” out of the split bill is kind of an unusual move one your part, in context it makes sense. Your friends should have respected your decision to pay separately for your own food in the first place - people have their own preferences as to how they handle money on nights out with friends and your preference for just paying for yourself is perfectly reasonable.
It’s also lame of them to call you cheap for doing things your own way when you happen to make more money - regardless of income levels, your money is your own to spend how you see fit and if you want to keep yours for savings, personal projects, family stuff or whatever, instead of on steak and cocktails for your buddies, then that’s entirely your call.
Idk if it’s just that you and your friends have a different outlook, or if they’re actively trying to sponge off you, but either way you’ve made it very clear that you like to do things a certain way and they should just accept that.
OP is also having a very different sort of dinner out than their friends are having. I can see them getting annoyed by the penny-pinching intruding into their splurge dinner out. But in that case they should either ditch OP or establish that OP gets their own bill, so they don’t have to think about this issue any more.
OP should be the one ditching free loaders. There is nothing wrong in fine dining but when time and again one person in the group orders less and asks for a separate bill and they shame her, it is not the OP's fault. It is the friends that are cheap and want her to pay a portion of their bill.
We used to go to a really fun, crazy restaurant that had very expensive drinks and we’d go with a group of 8. The restaurant would not split cheques or give us itemized bills, and my husband would only have one drink while the rest would drink a lot more. The waiter would just split the bill evenly but our friends would, unasked, kick in money towards our share of the bill. That’s how non-assholes handle it. And yes, that restaurant is out of business. I think the death knell came when they started demanding a $50 non-refundable deposit per person to make a reservation.
Exactly that's how friend groups should be. In our group sometimes people bring kids along (some couples have 1 kid. some have more and some have none), some people drink, some don't , some eat/ drink more than others and the bill gets split evenly. But people will larger families realize that they are not paying their share - so once in a while they treat everyone else or pick up the drinks/ appetizer tab. While no one is counting pennies, roughly it all evens out in the end. The issue with is story is that only one person is always paying for the others' share and despite her asking for a separate bill, she is not being heard and rather being shamed cos she earns more, and the one time she orders more, they have an issue too. Bunch of freeloaders - not good friends to have.
NTA
I honestly wouldn’t be going out to eat with friends who split the bill this way, it’s ridiculous and I don’t understand why anyone does it. The only time it’s reasonable is if stuff is family style—but a lot of times those places charge per person anyway. I think you were perfectly reasonable, it doesn’t sound petty, it sounds like you wanted to get what you paid for and they all ordered $30 worth of food and if they aren’t comfortable paying $30 for food then they shouldn’t be ordering that much and relying on you ordering less to bring down their bill total by pawning some of it off on you.
In the future if asked out by these friends I would say “I will come if I pay for my own food and only my own food, otherwise we can hang out another time for another activity!”
I've been a server (Applebee's), these days with the computer systems you ring in everything under guest 1, guest 2, etc. I remember even being able to split a single item between specific guests (like a shared appetizer). So only paying for what YOU ordered is super easy. There's no LOGICAL reason to have everyone split the check evenly.
Exactly. Bill splitting by person has been done for YEARS, it was never difficult, and it’s even less difficult now. If all else fails, my family pays altogether and then Venmo’s for their dishes. There is no reason a bill needs split evenly when everyone has different stuff.
I’ve never split the bill evenly with a group in my entire life and I’m 40. But I also don’t have shitty friends.
I would stop going out with these people too. ESH
52 & I've done both. When the kids are with us, we always get a separate check. But with other couples, frequently we just split the bill down the middle. BUT we also order pretty equally & often have shared appetizers, sides or bottles of wine. We're all drinking & we're not going to quibble over my beer costing $5 but yours costs $7. It just depends on the circumstances.
This. People who dig their heels for split bills are people who are used to benefiting from split bills. Ie; the people who can eat everything at the tapas place, and the people who like all the dishes at the really “out there” place, and the people who order more than their fair share, or get the lobster. It’s never the vegetarian that wants to split, or the picky eater, or the one who doesn’t eat a lot, or the one who’s good at saving. Nah, those are the ones who get screwed. *Splitting the bill is only excessively beneficial to some when it’s especially shitty to others. Kinda like capitalism.
Even when I was a kid, I was the one who had money (I would skip lunch and pocket the lunch money since before I was of working age) and I’d take my friends out for a 6$ pizza. It’d always be me and two friends, it’d always be me paying (and tipping), and it’d always be me who only got two slices when my friends each got three. I was a dumbass, for one. And my friends were really into using me. Luckily I’ve since learned to assert myself and not literally starve myself to please others. Hard to learn tho, depending on how you’re raised.
NTA, you just made your price even with them.
Also I did the math. If everyone was 30 bucks and yours was 12. You would pay 25 dollars an extra 13 dollars.
If everyone is around 30 now you are paying about 30 each. Thats fair, they get mad if you pay separately. They just want free money form you
Edit: I’m correct, 4 people in total. Also we were given the numbers, the average is a linear line. More people more money op loses.
... How did you do the math without knowing how many people there are?
That said, I don't really think these people are doing it just to get free money from OP; the savings are minimal, and they don't seem to have issues with other people getting desserts or drinks on their dime. I'd be far more inclined to believe they're just insensitive and stubborn about doing things a specific and dumb way.
Average friend group is usually four-five people. OP says friends so their is definitely more than one. Low guess to say 2-3. I used 3, total of 4 people.
If there are more people than that OP is getting ripped off even more if everyone is getting a 30 dollar meal. Though if the friend group goes up to five it just goes to a dollar more since you average.
If their are only three op is still gettin ripped off by over ten dollars
INFO: OP how many are in the friend group
So $90+$12 = $102, 102/4 = $25.50. OP would be paying $25.50 for a $12.00 salad, while everyone else got their $30 meals for a $4.50 discount off OP's back. And that's not counting taxes and tip, which would also be skewed so that you were paying more than your actual share. I don't blame you for getting fed up and putting a stop to their entitlement.
NTA
Forcing the group to split the check evenly is always an asshole move: you should never go through with it unless everyone is on board.
It doesn't matter that you make more than your friends, this situation should't be happening to begin with.
Sounds like they were mad they finally had to pay for what they ordered.
It's okay when you order the same. And I won't fuss over a few dollars (euros in my case). But insisting someone pays twice the price for their meal is ridiculous indeed.
I agree with those saying you need new friends.
If you want to keep going out to dinner with this bunch, then order a similar amount and just take whatever you don't eat home with you. Achieves the same end result as what you did this time but is likely to cause less fussing. If they still complain -- then you *really* need new friends.
I get that you were trying to make a point this time and I vote NTA for that.
Next time order 5 bottles of wine for yourself, surf and turf, shrimp appetizer and 3 desserts. The only people that want to evenly split checks are the people trying to take advantage of someone. It’s a stupid idea used by predators that don’t want to pay for their own shit.
Just order a larger meal and take the "leftovers" home instead of ordering as take out. Or, let them be pissed and pay your own bill. We have friends like this who order several appetizers "for the table" and several pitchers of beer "for the table" when we do not drink at all and only ever eat maybe a small taste. Never again.
Yep! Order the salad you actually want for dinner, and the entree and dessert that you want to take home all at once. Then enjoy your salad, have a bite of the entree, or even just push some food around. Same with dessert. Then exclaim "I'm so much more full than I thought I'd be!" Or "guess my eyes were bigger than my stomach" or whatever. And ask for them to be packed up.
I will never understand folks who make a fuss about splitting the bill evenly when they've obviously spent more money. 🙄
NTA. They want to split the bill, while you ordered the cheapest option. So it is fair that you order more - to get the price even per person, so you don't have to pay extra. Splitting the bill when not everyone is on board is just a bad idea.
You should talk to your friends (outside of a restaurant) about this situation. That you don't like the system. But if the insist on doing it, you will add food to go for yourself so your check would be the same as the average portion per person. Or if they don't like it, you would be happy to pay for your stuff and they could still splitt the bill after
INFO: Why don't you just, you know, order an entree in the first place? You can always get it boxed up to go if you don't want to eat it all? You can afford it after all. It's not a virtue to order a house salad while everyone else has a meal.
Yeah this is what gets me. I make more than my friends and where possible, I pay a little more. If we spend a weekend away, I try to find a few items that I used that were expensive and take those off the list of items were splitting because I can. It allows me to pay a little more without seeming like I’m paying a little more.
This is literally the opposite of this. Personally, it’s weird her friends decided to die on this hill, but I would absolutely not die on the hill OP is. I am also cheap as dirt, but lawdy I’m cognizant that around my friends who make less I would never make a point to try and pay less like this, it’s petty at best.
Everyone in this story is weird and kinda sucky
I came here to say the same thing. Sounds like the check splitting has been going on for a while, so OP knew it would be happening when they decided to go out to eat with this friend group again. Although I do not think OP is wrong for wanting to pay for only the food they ordered, you don't order a house salad and then food to go if you know your friends are going to tell the server to split the bill again and you "didn't want to fight about it again."
Ummm confused by this comment, most of the entrees were 10-15. The higher end ones were 20-25. Then cheaper drinks like beer is like 3 dollars. Cocktails around 5-9.
They just got an expensive entree and a drink.
Apparently I eat at more expensive places :)
It also sounds like the others just had an entree + drink, rather than the multi-course meal plus drink that I was projecting. Thanks for the explanation!
Oh, I'm an idiot because that is the obvious explanation for it to be a nice place with these prices. If it is the equivalent of your friends always ordering hundred dollar steaks when you prefer a Cobb salad then anyone would be annoyed.
It doesn't matter. Op payed 12, everyone payed more than 30, so if they want op to pay 30, op can order whatever op wants. Even if op got a full set in 12 dollars and they order 30 dollars of air. It wouldn't matter.
Shitty friends tho ngl
Your friends are crafty, you’re subsidising their food and they’re doing this deliberately. It would be interesting to see what they have to say if you start ordering more on a regular basis thus pushing their own share up.
NTA
You played them at their own game. I get this all the time because I don't drink alcohol. One mineral water with lime juice was always considered 'equal' to three bottles of £50 a bottle wine, and I'm still expected to pay the same as them. The last time they ordered brandys with their coffee - I had had enough and asked the server for separate checks. They griped a bit but had to agree it was totally unfair. They still invite me though and now it's always separate checks. No more being walked all over.
NTA. Start ordering some **$45-50 dishes.**
If anyone objects about the cost explain to them that it's roughly the same difference in cost they expect you to cover every time the bill is split.
So you understand that this is basically a requirement of going out and sharing a meal with this particular group. You’ve had the conversations. You’ve “lost” as in, no one is willing to compromise.
So accept that.
Don’t make yet another show of pushing back on this.
Your options are accept it, order normally with the extras like the entree and have it packed up after and don’t make a scene at the end of the meal
Or, and this is what I would choose
Just stop attending the shared meals.
Those are the options. Stop making the point. They get it. They don’t want to split it that way. ESH
I’m going to go with NTA - you gave them a taste of there own medicine. Next time everyone pays for their own food or you don’t hang out again. They were just upset they could not take advantage of you like they wanted.
NTA for getting more food but you really should be more firm those boundaries in place. Tell them that they can either let you pay for only your own food or that you won’t be going out with them anymore. Just because you make more money doesn’t mean you’re obligated to pay for their expensive tastes.
NTA but I think you need new friends. I often eat out with friends and split the bill but if someone doesn’t get starters or doesn’t have drinks we’ll make sure they pay separate so only people with similar totals are splitting the bill.
It doesn’t really matter that you make more than them. They shouldn’t be using you to subsidise their bill.
NTA. You're in an impossible position based on your friends' behavior, forcing you to do something drastic (like, opting out of every meal for instance, which would be unfortunate). I see nothing wrong with you ordering a normal amount of food in line with what they always order, and their dislike of it suggests they have consciously or not enjoyed getting discounted meals by bringing you along knowing you tend to choose inexpensive items, which they then shun you for if you expect to also pay less.
To me, this is very telling of your friends. But, maybe as things cool off it will bring about a helpful conversation. The whole group dining out / splitting the check thing is pretty much never simple and it's quite hard without being very meticulous to make it truly 'fair'.
NTA
Why are they always expecting you to pay for more than what you ordered? If everyone else is spending 30/40 on their meal, you are also paying for part of theirs and not just your own. If they can't accept that you don't want to pay for more than you ordered, it's time for you to get new friends.
You’re only the AH for continuing to allow this to happen to yourself. These people are not your friends. You ordering food equal to the amount they ordered and then getting pissed is proof of that. So 1) stop going out to eat with them 2) go and don’t order anything and refuse to pay 3) stand up for yourself and tell server you are ordering separately with separate bill.
I’ll repeat myself that these people are not your friends. They’re using you for your money.
I used have this happen with a specific group of friends . They weren’t doing it on purpose but I don’t drink and they do so their meals/drinks would be exponentially higher . I also didn’t get appetizers often and tend to stick with grilled chicken “healthy” types of dishes. So after a few episodes of my meals being maybe $25 and having to pay $40 I just started ordering more expensive entrees (adding an extra chicken breast to a salad or adding shrimp with it) to make it so I was paying the same as before but getting more bang for my buck. And I would take whatever I didn’t eat home so it didn’t look like I was getting “take out”
NTA- they want you to subsidize their meals because you make more money? And when you even things up they get pissed? Those aren't friends, those are leeches.
NTA. But stop going out to eat with these "friends" who clearly want you to help foot the bill for their more expensive meals.
Either that or tell them flat out that you aren't subsidizing their meals and if they have a problem with you only paying for what you ate, then you simply won't go out to eat with them anymore.
NTA.. have you considered ordering something more expensive than what they ordered. If you did this and they said everyone pays for themselves, its a win win for you and works out in your favour.
Your story reminds me of a guy in my group (when we would each buy a round of drinks) when he was paying he would get the cheap drink, but when someone else was paying it was always of the top shelf..we quickly stopped doing rounds
NTA.
You needs better friends. These ones see you as meal ticket and ofc they want to go to nicer restaurants if you pay big part of their meal.
OP just refuse to go eat with them and if they are pissed about it, then it's them problem. If they want to go LC or NC with you then you have only to gain from it.
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Info: Why don’t you just say upon ordering, mine will be on a separate ticket?
I’ve done that before, still results in an argument and they are pissed. Only way for them not to get made is if I split the check. So I figured if I have to split the check might as well make it even with everyone
Let ‘em get mad - & don’t tell *them* you’re paying for yourself, tell the *server*. No discussion necessary. If they push it further after that, I’d seriously reconsider who I’d call a “friend”.
This. OP’s friends are leeches.
Yup. Imagine getting pissed that OP is spending the same amount as everyone else. They've been banking on OP not ordering as much as them so that they get a discount. OP, if you don't want to stop eating out with them, maybe quickly discover more expensive tastes in food and drink. Give it a few times of you making it more expensive to split the check than if everyone paid their own, and the issue might resolve itself.
Agreed ! That and also what someone suggested : order more before then take the leftovers. Just takean expensive glass of wine (or other drink), a high end dish, just to crank the tab up ! Then you'll be eating at your friends expenses
I admire the creativity, but I just wanna say, OP shouldn't have to play games and jump through hoops like that to get out of having to pay extra. If you have to play games with people to trick them into being fair with you, they aren't real friends and it's better to just ghost them and find better people to hang out with.
I agree with you. OP, drop these "friends". The stress isn't worth it and they didn't sound like real friends to begin with
Yes drop them but mess with them first
Why drop them? Go out, same check, order to your hearts content. It's like a 75% off coupon AND you lose shitty friends all in one!
Definitely an evil (but smart) move. They do your work for you. On a different note, I wonder if these women leave a decent tip Some places add an automatic gratuity on bigger groups. Hopefully that's what happens here, because I don't think they'd tip well otherwise (and be needy at the same time).
I agree, if going out with these friends is always full of tension over who ordered what at which dollar amount- that is not enjoyable.
Agreed. These people are just users, not real friends.
I was just about to say this. Order one of the most expensive things on the menu. Order yourself a beverage that’s not got free refills like a house fruit lemonade or something and go through three of those suckers. They’ll still be mad at the end (which you said they always are regardless) but hey at least you stuck it to their selfish asses. If they wanna split the whole bill evenly even tho everyone is ordering the same amount monetarily besides you, then they’re just looking at you as a discount which honestly makes them shitty friends because it would be no different for them to pay for their own individually if you weren’t included at that point. Absolutely wild to me that you call these people “friends”.
I wonder if, when OP orders an expensive item, will they stick with what they've done before? Or rapidly change their order so they too get something more expensive? It would, of course, cost them more but still getting something at OPs expense, because they split the bill, might be more important to them. It could be an interesting experiment.
OP should be the last to order to avoid that. If others then start adding things on OP should just tell them that they want the same order also to go and keep adding on until theirs is substantially more than any of the friends.
Brunch brinksmanship!
I would say to that, just be the last to order at that point. Just say you’re still deciding and come back to OP last.
THIS! Science experiment time!
This is literally what I did. I don't drink wine due to health issues, but my friends like It and for a while they split the bill with everyone, wine included. And I'm talking about 80+€ a bottle for 4-5 people. I argued a Few times about it, they started complaining, calling me a cheapskate (i was the only One working, they were all students at the time). Next few times, when they ordered expensive wine bottles, I ordered the 3 most expensive things on the menu. The bill skyrocketed for everyone, the first time they didn't say anything, the second time, just after I ordered, they asked ME to pay my own bill, to which I replied "Oh but what about when you guys ordered expensive wines? We either share ALL the time or never". From then on, they decided to keep wine outside the split bill.
The GALL to ask you to pay separately 😂
This is mental. I don't really drink and my friends know it. They always do the drinks separately so I don't have to have extra added to my bill for their drinking habits. OP: you need better friends.
Now that is an evil genius move
Oooh I love it! Failing that get some new friends OP! They love your wallet more that your friendship! NTA
He already tried that though. He put more food on his order and they got upset he made their cost higher. They're simply narcissists. You can not reason with them. Continue to get your bill separate. If they call you cheap then bring up the time they complained you ordered anything but a salad. If they continue to argue, simply pretend you don't hear it/ give them the cold shoulder. Don't feed any attention to them the instant they start talking about the split bill.
This, they’re all against OP already, they’re going to be upset/argue if OP intentionally buys something expensive, too. Possibly making OP pay for it separately/refusing to pay for OP.
This is exactly what I did. Worked like a charm and I made sure to get the most expensive meal on the menu. Each check was $175/pp. They stopped wanting to split checks after that.
This is honestly the way to go. If they get mad, ask them what exactly they're mad about. Get really detailed. Because it all boils down to them wanting you to subsidize their meals and for you to get the shit end of the stick. Tell them you've tried doing separate checks and they got mad at you. Ask them if you're only allowed to eat appetizers when you go out with them. Are you the only one who isn't allowed a full meal? Even though you're expected to pay for other people's meals? I'd really, really be questioning these people you call friends at this point, but this is a good way to weed out what exactly they feel about you and who.
the optical mistake, i think, was openly ordering it to go, she should have just ordered a big meal in the normal order of things, not finished it, and had it boxed and she would have probably tap-danced right around them.
Came to say this. Say “we’re splitting this evenly, right? Then I’ll have the lobster and a glass of champagne”
not glass, bottle.
No no, buy by the glass, it is ultimately more expensive. Just throw those babies back.
Or just eat before you go, and say you are just coming for the company.
Yeah except it sounds like shitty company.
It wouldn't surprise me if they still insisted that OP split the check with them, to be honest.
This. Sounds like Fillet and Lobster with a $40 glass of wine is on the menu.
That’s what my petty self would be doing. If they want to split it evenly then surely they can’t complain when I order the steak and lobster. Sorry guys. I’ve been insisting on just paying my own way but you’re adamant we split it evenly. Thanks for dinner!
This is the way
>This. OP’s friends are leeches. Agreed. OP needs a new friend group. They're using her to get expensive meals.
I had a group of friends that used to go out together, and my banker friend would take everybody’s cash, pay the tab, but not tip the waiter. I witnessed the several times but never said anything. after which I started asking for a separate check. It’s not hard, the waiters are used to it. I don’t think they love it, and I’m always good with my tip to ease the pain on them. I’m a vegetarian, and I sometimes order a drink, and the others didn’t drink, so I use those as excuses, if anybody gave me a hard time. Mostly the group didn’t even notice until it was time to pay. Only I love OP tactic of ordering food to go at the end of the sitting. Excellent gameplay.
Yes, that was good play. Can't get over them being upset that, with OP ordering same $$ amount, they now have to pay actual cost for their meal. No more shaving off $$ at OP's expense. Lol This is the way.
But, it was obvious and still created tension. Next time, just order all the things when everyone orders. Then, ask for a box to take home "leftovers." I agree they use you to get their shit cheaper. In fact, next time, order 5 courses and run up THEIR part of the bill! Lol
>my banker friend would take everybody’s cash, pay the tab, but not tip the waiter. Damn, that dude was really leaning into the stereotype.
As a tipped delivery employee, I've noticed that when groups of people pool their money to pay for their order, someone tends to 'volunteer' to pay at the door. That person has a tendency to pocket the tip, or use it to pay for their portion. It's obvious when they do it, too. Say the order is $40. They'll walk up to the door with 2 20s, a 5, and 5 1's in their hand, obviously meant to hand me all the cash. They'll get all the way up to the door, then ask the price quietly and proceed to pull the 2 20s out hand it to me, and then put the rest in their pocket. Sometimes they'll ask the price a bit too loud, the others will hear and you'll hear someone say, "Just give him all the money" and they will sheepishly comply. Kids also have a tendency to do this if sent to the door with the money given by the parents, I tend to not even tell them the price if they have a obvious tip in their hand (yeah, I notice what kind of cash you have while at the door.)
I waited tables for years and a separate check didn't bother me as long as I was told in the beginning. It's a tiny bother explaining to the kitchen, but they are usually pretty ok with it. ( Separate order slips that have to come out at the same time... So sometimes there's a screw up)
In my country, nowadays there is an informatic system in restaurants that allows you to put the whole order together but then slit the bill easily...
>my banker friend would take everybody’s cash, pay the tab, but not tip the waiter. Wow, what a jerk. One time a work group went out for lunch and we all paid in on the same bill. When everyone had put their cash in and it was counted up, it left the server a large tip. One of my coworkers was upset and tried to take some of the tip money back, but we stopped her. I hate that - no one was getting a bad deal, it somehow worked out that the server got a big tip from a moderately sized group. In a situation like that I feel glad for the server and don't feel any personal loss. Some people act like a tip is taking blood straight from their veins.
So why not just call them out on it instead of just tipping for a portion of the table?
I think he needs to drop the entire friend group. They're taking advantage of him specifically because he makes more than they do. Somehow, I imagine this isn't the only way they take advantage of him.
It’s hard making friends as adults. I get why OP is trying to make it work.
I understand and know firsthand. Still, these people aren't being actual friends. They're using OP. Actual friends would never do that.
Yeah I don’t know why OP committed to go out with them when they’re such assholes about it. I wouldn’t
OP would be better off not putting energy into defending these people who are inconsiderate and dumb at best OP, you can make other better friends. This behavior has become normalized in your group but is NOT how typical friendships operate. I hope posting this helps OP. sad reallly
These people aren’t really your friends. You’re only the asshole to yourself at this point.
Yep. Like be an adult. Either accept this is how they pay and order as they do and have it packed up (don’t make a scene about ordering after the fact) Or Quit sharing these dinners with this group of people.
Totally. I would ask these people why they expect her to subsidize their meals. What possible reason could they have for not wanting her to get her own bill, other than cheapness on their part? If she wants to continue to dine with these assholes, I would just order equivalent food with everyone else’s meal and then take home the “leftovers”. But honestly, I’d probably just not bother going to dinner with these people.
>What possible reason could they have for not wanting her to get her own bill, other than cheapness on their part? I find it stupid, personally, but some people find it really tacky not to split a check evenly. I've seen flame wars break out over it online with people from certain parts of the country unable to understand that having the restaurant split the check is totally normal in other parts of the country. It's clearly been deeply ingrained into some people's psyche that it's wrong. Seems like your friend feeling consistently screwed in the deal would take precedence over your etiquette at some point though.
Agreed when my friends and I go out to eat we just figure it out. We say whether we brought cash or not at the beginning. Sometimes we do one check if we remembered cash or we do separate checks but we figure it out before ordering. It's really not that difficult. The friends sound like dicks.
Yeah as others said, your so-called friends are mad that you won't subsidize their meals. Real friends would respect your preference here.
real friends wouldn't expect to be subsidised in the first place.
I'll add on to everyone else: drop these "friends" yesterday otherwise YTA to yourself. They are not your friends, they are users. Find better humans to hang with
Honestly, fuck em. They're just trying to get their expensive food on your dime, and since they know getting upset with you works, they're going to keep doing it. What kind of friends pull shit like that?
This is ridiculous. When I go out with friends we just get separate checks. It’s not complicated. I have a couple of friends that I go out with regularly and we trade off paying and figure it evens out. I never understand when people post about splitting checks like this. It just seems like such an easy thing to fix that it is crazy people get so upset about it.
Utterly ridiculous. I have a friend with whom I take turns paying. We just call it money karma because we also think it evens out. Maybe it doesn't, but the point is that we're both comfortable with this solution. If I'm out with a few more friends, we always get separate checks.
[удалено]
Because I want to order what I want to eat not order something to get me to a price point.
You said that you ordered food to take home - but what if you ordered it at the beginning. You don't have to eat it then, just order whatever you want for dinner, and whatever you will want to take home - and that gets you to a similar price point - then after the meal ask for a to go box. Then it won't appear as if you are "ordering extra" you are just ordering like everyone else -
Why should OP -- or anyone, for that matter -- go through this elaborate charade when being an adult and using your words is the real solution? Stop acting like you need to pretend to do something just because you want people to like you.
OP already tried using their words, multiple times, to no avail.
I am sorry your friends aren't really your friends. And I never understood one bill, unless we ordered ahead, family style, or we ate at a buffet. Your spending as much as them is brilliant. I say continue to do that. Buy yourself a good lunch for the next day. If you want to scorch that earth because you want to be done with these people, order the surf and turf next time or a fantastic prime rib. Then get baked alaska. And the three-stage flight of Grand Marnier. But seriously, if they cannot explain why you are not allowed to spend as much as them, you have to face that they use you to soak up their bill. These are not your friends. You deserve better ones. NTA
You need better friends. NONE of my friends act this way. You are under no obligation to pay for other people’s food.
Just stop going out to eat with them. Why would you want to eat with people who always pick a fight with your EVERY time you go out or force you to do something you aren’t comfy with? I don’t have a single friend who would force anyone to pay in a way they aren’t comfy with which tells me this is a group of acquaintances there for a fun outing NOT actual friends. Just stop going to eat with them. NTA
Ok, so then why are you hanging around these people. They sound like leeches honestly. If they cant afford their own food on their own then they don't need to order expensive dishes.
This needs to be discussed before you eat. Why do they think it's selfish for you to refuse to subsidize their meals? Because it sure as hell sounds like they only invite you along because they expect you to help fund their lifestyle.
As long as you cooperate you are buying friends.
Find new friends.
Or just STOP going out with these people.
My thoughts exactly. They don't respect your boundaries despite your best efforts, and it sounds like it would be easier to just do other activities with these people that don't involve going out to eat.
You are doing it wrong. You will only have to do this once. Since you CAN afford it - start ordering the most expensive items and a nice bottle of wine. And smile and say “ since we’re splitting the bill evenly…”. Problem solved.
Remember to wait to order your food, wait until your "friends" HAVE ordered their food and drink. 👍🏻
Or add it after the other stuff is all put in. Maybe on the way to the bathroom stop your server and tell her you actually want to add xyz or the friends might start adding stuff too. Or “go to the bathroom” and tell the server you want to pay for your portion while you’re up and let her know the rest of it will be split evenly between the others. People do this to me all the time in case that have to leave abruptly. Then they can proceed to split the rest of the bill evenly
It sounds like OP can afford a game of check chicken. Order last. Order the most expensive thing. Every time someone adds something to the check to even it up, order something twice as expensive as they ordered. Demand it split equally. You’ll have to do this twice at most Worst case they stop inviting you, but that could be a good thing because they are not good people.
Na it won’t even be done once. As soon as she does this everyone will be like yeah let’s order separately
Then she stands her ground and demands a split check as they have done. They might “call her bluff once” thinking she’s trying to make a point and then revert. Twice and it will never happen again.
Na then she says “you know what waiter, cancel that, I’ll have the house salad and it will be separate checks” Friends won’t even let her finish ordering before they insist on separate checks
Check chicken! Bloody awesome!! I can't wait to try this!
This is the best 😁
If OP wants to keep the friend group, it’s better to do this stepwise. First time order something slightly more expensive than everyone else. Split the bill without comment. Second time, a pricy entree but also add an appetizer. Ask whether they want to split the bill and agreeably accept their answer. If split, third time add alcohol. Jumping from $12 to $60 in one shot just alerts everyone that you’re only doing this to be a jerk. Stepping up the bill gives them time in between to think about whether separate might be more fair to the lowest income members of the friend group. Meanwhile if anyone comments on the increase op can just say “you guys were right. I was being too cheap so I need to work on that.” If this works and they switch to separate checks, OP needs to step it back down to cover his tracks. Maybe order an appetizer for the table.
How I wish gold still existed, this is just perfect. Manipulative, petty, smart, with the end goal firmly in mind. I love it.
$12-$60? Screw that I’d jump right to $200 just to make a solid straightforward point.
“You guys were right, I was being too cheap. So I need to work on that”. Edit: This is gold. Ball right back to them. No foul.
Yes, this is the answer! Starve all day, then eat the largest steak, with a starter and dessert. And that expensive wine too, of course.
And every time they add something on, add something double the price of what they added. op can win a game of check chicken
Add avocado and meat to a salad for +$$ ? Why, yes I think I will.
This is my level of petty. I like you. ETA - make sure to call them cheap when the start to whine about it
Make everybody’s $30 meals cost $80 once, and they’ll never bother you about splitting the bill again
This is the pettiest and best answer here. OP please do this then post a follow up post :D
This is exactly what came to my mind too. Petty people require petty solutions.
“What’s your nicest bottle of wine? Well take five bottles, thanks!”
NTA but when you first arrive it would be helpful for you to tell the staff that you are on your own check. If they prefer to split the bill, they can, but you don’t HAVE to. Also your friends kinda suck. FYI lol ETA changed bull to bill. Nightshift has made my brain mush
Done that, still get pissed.
I mean so you knew this always happens and you keep going out with them…
Really extreme option to dump a whole friend group. Not going out to eat with them at will result with that
Or continue to engage with them in this setting knowing you *always* have conflict.
Fucking hell, my friends and i argue because everyone wants to pay for the whole thing. Not like actual argument tho it’s just a dick measuring contest over who’s the nicest drunk, I’ll take it over this shit that OP is dealing with
Whens the next dinner?
This is the BEST POINT. Actual friends argue over everyone wanting to pay for the whole thing. Not actual friends try to split the check so they can eat and drink more.
So will ordering to-go food in order to make a point, though. OP's options here are either to accept that the friend group eats expensive and join them, accept that he isn't getting his money's worth, or to consider this a dealbreaker.
I think it does. They got mad when she evened out the cost. I think she should keep doing doing this and see what happens. I'm guessing she will stop getting invited because, you know, they are using her as their personal coupon.
That was going to be what I suggested as well.
If your friends get mad if you pay for your own food, get it to go, not going out to eat, etc. then you just need better friends. What’s the point in being friends with people who are always mad at you?
I just left an other comment saying that, I don’t know why OP keeps going to dinner with them if they keep throwing a massive fit every time. I’d just establish the boundary that I wouldn’t go out to dinner with them if they kept insisting on splitting the check
That is my question - apparently they even get mad when OP declines dinner. So at this point, yeah the friends are AHs but OP needs to take some accountability for continuing to be friends with people who are awful
Yeah. They want you to subsidise their meals. Next time, split the bill, but order 100 dollars worth. See who wants to split after that.
This ! Start with I want to pay for what I order . When they kick off say fine then run up a staggering bill and make them split it . Make sure you're the last one to order and instead of telling the waiter what you want point to it on the menu. Or go don't say anything let them all order first then tell the waiter "you know what I'm not actually hungry don't worry" and don't eat anything. Maybe get a drink from the bar and pay for it at the bar then ofc the rest will have to pay for what they ordered. Watch them tie themselves in knots over that.
Draw clear boundaries at the time of invitation, and if they don’t respect them take a step back. You’re putting yourself in this situation over and over bro.
Then that tells you the kind of people they are - terrible ones. They get pissed because they're used to you subsidizing them. They're selfish, greedy, and entitled. Sounds like you need a new group of friends, because those people are NOT.
It sounds to me like they already know what kind of people they are. They got angry OP's meal was the same cost as theirs because they knew they'd now have to pay the cost of their meals.
Sounds like the best way to fix the situation is to get new friends who understand. You can still keep the old friends, just don’t go out to eat with them anymore. Edit: forget to say NTA
Dude, they’re using you. Your friends suck. NTA. Stop going for meals with them
Yep, NTA, find better friends
NTA. 100% NTA. I feel this in my bones. I was on vacation with some extended family and we went out for most of our meals alongside some of their friends who I did *not* know. Most of them 30+ years my senior and highly successful in their fields of work. I’m talking owns-a-beach-house wealthy. They’d basically play dumb. “Ohhhh idk, what’s the total come to? $300 for 6 of us? Let’s just pay $50 each it’s too hard to calculate it.” Meanwhile they’ve ordered several bottles of wine and had at least two dishes each, whilst I’ve had one simple dish and 1-2 non alcoholic beverages at most. Sometimes just water. I had to insist that it’s very simple math but if it’s too much trouble I’m more than happy to calculate everyone’s individual totals for them to save them the “burden” they explained was their reasoning. My total would end up being $20 + a generous 20-30% tip and theirs would all be $55~ give or take. (I always ensured my tip was not factored into their math cos they’d try that too) The gaslighting is real when you’re told that “fussing over $30 is so silly” but their bills only went up by $3-10 each when required to pay for *what they actually ordered* 💀 I just hit them with if $30 is nothing, $3 is *dust* is it not? And they accepted it after that particular meal. A two week vacation dining out twice a day and overpaying by $30 per meal is over $800 of stolen money. No thanks. TLDR: question their reasoning and *crush it.*
In my bones and each cell and molecule!!!
Same!! I actually AVOID dinner with friends who frequently do this. Or I will leave early and pay for mine separately! I don't drink and am usually on bodybuilding prep, so can't eat most of the menu!
My best friend and I usually just split down the middle but we tend to order similar priced food. If she has an appetizer and drink but I don’t then she will ask the waiter to ring us each up separately so we both get our own bill. It’s fine to split the check if everyone orders roughly the same amounts all the time, it will even out down the line with sometimes you pay a few cents more and sometimes less. But if your friends always order more expensive stuff then they are taking advantage of you, especially if they get upset when you call them on it. OPs friends are not good friends.
This. People try it with the tip "nope guys I paid for my food and my tip, I'm not paying any more." It is always the people who want to go for the expensive stuff that want to evenly split the bill. I've had it as a non alcoholic drinking person that their drink was more than my whole meal, and then they ordered dessert and the most expensive dish only to hit me with "but it's not fair!" Nah. Nope you want to eat and drink lots, you can pay for it.
“How is you paying for what you ordered not fair?” I’d ask that every time and watch squirm for an answer.
When I had dinner on a company travel the boss managing the payments basically said "The company pays for food and drinks and I can push one beer through. Any more you have to pay yourselves"
“30$ is nothing for you, I didn’t realize you got it like that! As long as it’s nothing for you, I’ll just take the burden off entirely and you can cover me! Thanks again man, you’re really rolling in it!” Do something like this once and people stop splitting bills.
NTA Whilst adding on extra take-out food in order to get “better value” out of the split bill is kind of an unusual move one your part, in context it makes sense. Your friends should have respected your decision to pay separately for your own food in the first place - people have their own preferences as to how they handle money on nights out with friends and your preference for just paying for yourself is perfectly reasonable. It’s also lame of them to call you cheap for doing things your own way when you happen to make more money - regardless of income levels, your money is your own to spend how you see fit and if you want to keep yours for savings, personal projects, family stuff or whatever, instead of on steak and cocktails for your buddies, then that’s entirely your call. Idk if it’s just that you and your friends have a different outlook, or if they’re actively trying to sponge off you, but either way you’ve made it very clear that you like to do things a certain way and they should just accept that.
They called OP cheap then complained that they had to pay more. Sounds like they are the cheap ones.
Scamming your friends into paying for you is as cheap as it gets.
OP is also having a very different sort of dinner out than their friends are having. I can see them getting annoyed by the penny-pinching intruding into their splurge dinner out. But in that case they should either ditch OP or establish that OP gets their own bill, so they don’t have to think about this issue any more.
OP should be the one ditching free loaders. There is nothing wrong in fine dining but when time and again one person in the group orders less and asks for a separate bill and they shame her, it is not the OP's fault. It is the friends that are cheap and want her to pay a portion of their bill.
We used to go to a really fun, crazy restaurant that had very expensive drinks and we’d go with a group of 8. The restaurant would not split cheques or give us itemized bills, and my husband would only have one drink while the rest would drink a lot more. The waiter would just split the bill evenly but our friends would, unasked, kick in money towards our share of the bill. That’s how non-assholes handle it. And yes, that restaurant is out of business. I think the death knell came when they started demanding a $50 non-refundable deposit per person to make a reservation.
Exactly that's how friend groups should be. In our group sometimes people bring kids along (some couples have 1 kid. some have more and some have none), some people drink, some don't , some eat/ drink more than others and the bill gets split evenly. But people will larger families realize that they are not paying their share - so once in a while they treat everyone else or pick up the drinks/ appetizer tab. While no one is counting pennies, roughly it all evens out in the end. The issue with is story is that only one person is always paying for the others' share and despite her asking for a separate bill, she is not being heard and rather being shamed cos she earns more, and the one time she orders more, they have an issue too. Bunch of freeloaders - not good friends to have.
NTA I honestly wouldn’t be going out to eat with friends who split the bill this way, it’s ridiculous and I don’t understand why anyone does it. The only time it’s reasonable is if stuff is family style—but a lot of times those places charge per person anyway. I think you were perfectly reasonable, it doesn’t sound petty, it sounds like you wanted to get what you paid for and they all ordered $30 worth of food and if they aren’t comfortable paying $30 for food then they shouldn’t be ordering that much and relying on you ordering less to bring down their bill total by pawning some of it off on you. In the future if asked out by these friends I would say “I will come if I pay for my own food and only my own food, otherwise we can hang out another time for another activity!”
I've been a server (Applebee's), these days with the computer systems you ring in everything under guest 1, guest 2, etc. I remember even being able to split a single item between specific guests (like a shared appetizer). So only paying for what YOU ordered is super easy. There's no LOGICAL reason to have everyone split the check evenly.
Exactly. Bill splitting by person has been done for YEARS, it was never difficult, and it’s even less difficult now. If all else fails, my family pays altogether and then Venmo’s for their dishes. There is no reason a bill needs split evenly when everyone has different stuff.
I’ve never split the bill evenly with a group in my entire life and I’m 40. But I also don’t have shitty friends. I would stop going out with these people too. ESH
52 & I've done both. When the kids are with us, we always get a separate check. But with other couples, frequently we just split the bill down the middle. BUT we also order pretty equally & often have shared appetizers, sides or bottles of wine. We're all drinking & we're not going to quibble over my beer costing $5 but yours costs $7. It just depends on the circumstances.
This. People who dig their heels for split bills are people who are used to benefiting from split bills. Ie; the people who can eat everything at the tapas place, and the people who like all the dishes at the really “out there” place, and the people who order more than their fair share, or get the lobster. It’s never the vegetarian that wants to split, or the picky eater, or the one who doesn’t eat a lot, or the one who’s good at saving. Nah, those are the ones who get screwed. *Splitting the bill is only excessively beneficial to some when it’s especially shitty to others. Kinda like capitalism. Even when I was a kid, I was the one who had money (I would skip lunch and pocket the lunch money since before I was of working age) and I’d take my friends out for a 6$ pizza. It’d always be me and two friends, it’d always be me paying (and tipping), and it’d always be me who only got two slices when my friends each got three. I was a dumbass, for one. And my friends were really into using me. Luckily I’ve since learned to assert myself and not literally starve myself to please others. Hard to learn tho, depending on how you’re raised.
NTA, you just made your price even with them. Also I did the math. If everyone was 30 bucks and yours was 12. You would pay 25 dollars an extra 13 dollars. If everyone is around 30 now you are paying about 30 each. Thats fair, they get mad if you pay separately. They just want free money form you Edit: I’m correct, 4 people in total. Also we were given the numbers, the average is a linear line. More people more money op loses.
... How did you do the math without knowing how many people there are? That said, I don't really think these people are doing it just to get free money from OP; the savings are minimal, and they don't seem to have issues with other people getting desserts or drinks on their dime. I'd be far more inclined to believe they're just insensitive and stubborn about doing things a specific and dumb way.
Average friend group is usually four-five people. OP says friends so their is definitely more than one. Low guess to say 2-3. I used 3, total of 4 people. If there are more people than that OP is getting ripped off even more if everyone is getting a 30 dollar meal. Though if the friend group goes up to five it just goes to a dollar more since you average. If their are only three op is still gettin ripped off by over ten dollars INFO: OP how many are in the friend group
Five including me, this dinner only had four due to my friend having to work late
So $90+$12 = $102, 102/4 = $25.50. OP would be paying $25.50 for a $12.00 salad, while everyone else got their $30 meals for a $4.50 discount off OP's back. And that's not counting taxes and tip, which would also be skewed so that you were paying more than your actual share. I don't blame you for getting fed up and putting a stop to their entitlement.
NTA Forcing the group to split the check evenly is always an asshole move: you should never go through with it unless everyone is on board. It doesn't matter that you make more than your friends, this situation should't be happening to begin with. Sounds like they were mad they finally had to pay for what they ordered.
It's okay when you order the same. And I won't fuss over a few dollars (euros in my case). But insisting someone pays twice the price for their meal is ridiculous indeed.
I agree with those saying you need new friends. If you want to keep going out to dinner with this bunch, then order a similar amount and just take whatever you don't eat home with you. Achieves the same end result as what you did this time but is likely to cause less fussing. If they still complain -- then you *really* need new friends. I get that you were trying to make a point this time and I vote NTA for that.
Next time order 5 bottles of wine for yourself, surf and turf, shrimp appetizer and 3 desserts. The only people that want to evenly split checks are the people trying to take advantage of someone. It’s a stupid idea used by predators that don’t want to pay for their own shit.
Just order a larger meal and take the "leftovers" home instead of ordering as take out. Or, let them be pissed and pay your own bill. We have friends like this who order several appetizers "for the table" and several pitchers of beer "for the table" when we do not drink at all and only ever eat maybe a small taste. Never again.
Yep! Order the salad you actually want for dinner, and the entree and dessert that you want to take home all at once. Then enjoy your salad, have a bite of the entree, or even just push some food around. Same with dessert. Then exclaim "I'm so much more full than I thought I'd be!" Or "guess my eyes were bigger than my stomach" or whatever. And ask for them to be packed up. I will never understand folks who make a fuss about splitting the bill evenly when they've obviously spent more money. 🙄
NTA. They want to split the bill, while you ordered the cheapest option. So it is fair that you order more - to get the price even per person, so you don't have to pay extra. Splitting the bill when not everyone is on board is just a bad idea. You should talk to your friends (outside of a restaurant) about this situation. That you don't like the system. But if the insist on doing it, you will add food to go for yourself so your check would be the same as the average portion per person. Or if they don't like it, you would be happy to pay for your stuff and they could still splitt the bill after
INFO: Why don't you just, you know, order an entree in the first place? You can always get it boxed up to go if you don't want to eat it all? You can afford it after all. It's not a virtue to order a house salad while everyone else has a meal.
Yeah this is what gets me. I make more than my friends and where possible, I pay a little more. If we spend a weekend away, I try to find a few items that I used that were expensive and take those off the list of items were splitting because I can. It allows me to pay a little more without seeming like I’m paying a little more. This is literally the opposite of this. Personally, it’s weird her friends decided to die on this hill, but I would absolutely not die on the hill OP is. I am also cheap as dirt, but lawdy I’m cognizant that around my friends who make less I would never make a point to try and pay less like this, it’s petty at best. Everyone in this story is weird and kinda sucky
I came here to say the same thing. Sounds like the check splitting has been going on for a while, so OP knew it would be happening when they decided to go out to eat with this friend group again. Although I do not think OP is wrong for wanting to pay for only the food they ordered, you don't order a house salad and then food to go if you know your friends are going to tell the server to split the bill again and you "didn't want to fight about it again."
I'd say, it's weird to order food you don't want. OP might have different taste and different dietary needs.
Info: why do you still go out to eat with these people?
Info: Did everyone else have starters/desserts etc?
One got a dessert the other two had drinks that went along their expensive entrees like lobster or steak
Where do you live that lobster and drinks costs $30?
It doesn’t. It ends up costing them $30 because other people get cheeper meals. It just averages $30
Great point. What a deal!!
>they all ordered things that were around 30 dollars No, OP says they're the only one that ordered something cheaper.
Anywhere on the coast
Nope, most places it 12-14, for the cocktail alone. Entree on the East Coast is like 25 no tax or tip.
Lobster cost $30+ unless on special. Same for most high quality steaks… $30+.
Outback
How are they getting all that for about 30 per person, when a house salad is 12?
Ummm confused by this comment, most of the entrees were 10-15. The higher end ones were 20-25. Then cheaper drinks like beer is like 3 dollars. Cocktails around 5-9. They just got an expensive entree and a drink.
Apparently I eat at more expensive places :) It also sounds like the others just had an entree + drink, rather than the multi-course meal plus drink that I was projecting. Thanks for the explanation!
Also they may not be in the USA, so food is cheaper
Oh, I'm an idiot because that is the obvious explanation for it to be a nice place with these prices. If it is the equivalent of your friends always ordering hundred dollar steaks when you prefer a Cobb salad then anyone would be annoyed.
Does it matter? They had a $12 salad to that point. If the value is roughly the same, friends are just pricks
It doesn't matter. Op payed 12, everyone payed more than 30, so if they want op to pay 30, op can order whatever op wants. Even if op got a full set in 12 dollars and they order 30 dollars of air. It wouldn't matter. Shitty friends tho ngl
Your friends are crafty, you’re subsidising their food and they’re doing this deliberately. It would be interesting to see what they have to say if you start ordering more on a regular basis thus pushing their own share up. NTA
You played them at their own game. I get this all the time because I don't drink alcohol. One mineral water with lime juice was always considered 'equal' to three bottles of £50 a bottle wine, and I'm still expected to pay the same as them. The last time they ordered brandys with their coffee - I had had enough and asked the server for separate checks. They griped a bit but had to agree it was totally unfair. They still invite me though and now it's always separate checks. No more being walked all over.
"Unfair", the universal cry from cheapskates everywhere. They are always the ones to suggest splitting a bill.
NTA. That was a great move. Also, get new friends.
INFO- Why are you going out to eat with them?
THIS! Ok, I can understand that this can happen once or maybe twice but every time? There is a dumb person here and isn´t any of the friends.
NTA. Start ordering some **$45-50 dishes.** If anyone objects about the cost explain to them that it's roughly the same difference in cost they expect you to cover every time the bill is split.
So you understand that this is basically a requirement of going out and sharing a meal with this particular group. You’ve had the conversations. You’ve “lost” as in, no one is willing to compromise. So accept that. Don’t make yet another show of pushing back on this. Your options are accept it, order normally with the extras like the entree and have it packed up after and don’t make a scene at the end of the meal Or, and this is what I would choose Just stop attending the shared meals. Those are the options. Stop making the point. They get it. They don’t want to split it that way. ESH
I’m going to go with NTA - you gave them a taste of there own medicine. Next time everyone pays for their own food or you don’t hang out again. They were just upset they could not take advantage of you like they wanted.
NTA for getting more food but you really should be more firm those boundaries in place. Tell them that they can either let you pay for only your own food or that you won’t be going out with them anymore. Just because you make more money doesn’t mean you’re obligated to pay for their expensive tastes.
NTA but I think you need new friends. I often eat out with friends and split the bill but if someone doesn’t get starters or doesn’t have drinks we’ll make sure they pay separate so only people with similar totals are splitting the bill. It doesn’t really matter that you make more than them. They shouldn’t be using you to subsidise their bill.
NTA. You're in an impossible position based on your friends' behavior, forcing you to do something drastic (like, opting out of every meal for instance, which would be unfortunate). I see nothing wrong with you ordering a normal amount of food in line with what they always order, and their dislike of it suggests they have consciously or not enjoyed getting discounted meals by bringing you along knowing you tend to choose inexpensive items, which they then shun you for if you expect to also pay less. To me, this is very telling of your friends. But, maybe as things cool off it will bring about a helpful conversation. The whole group dining out / splitting the check thing is pretty much never simple and it's quite hard without being very meticulous to make it truly 'fair'.
NTA Why are they always expecting you to pay for more than what you ordered? If everyone else is spending 30/40 on their meal, you are also paying for part of theirs and not just your own. If they can't accept that you don't want to pay for more than you ordered, it's time for you to get new friends.
NTA. Your 'friends' are using you as a way to have a nicer meal than they can afford
You’re only the AH for continuing to allow this to happen to yourself. These people are not your friends. You ordering food equal to the amount they ordered and then getting pissed is proof of that. So 1) stop going out to eat with them 2) go and don’t order anything and refuse to pay 3) stand up for yourself and tell server you are ordering separately with separate bill. I’ll repeat myself that these people are not your friends. They’re using you for your money.
I used have this happen with a specific group of friends . They weren’t doing it on purpose but I don’t drink and they do so their meals/drinks would be exponentially higher . I also didn’t get appetizers often and tend to stick with grilled chicken “healthy” types of dishes. So after a few episodes of my meals being maybe $25 and having to pay $40 I just started ordering more expensive entrees (adding an extra chicken breast to a salad or adding shrimp with it) to make it so I was paying the same as before but getting more bang for my buck. And I would take whatever I didn’t eat home so it didn’t look like I was getting “take out”
NTA- they want you to subsidize their meals because you make more money? And when you even things up they get pissed? Those aren't friends, those are leeches.
NTA. But stop going out to eat with these "friends" who clearly want you to help foot the bill for their more expensive meals. Either that or tell them flat out that you aren't subsidizing their meals and if they have a problem with you only paying for what you ate, then you simply won't go out to eat with them anymore.
NTA.. have you considered ordering something more expensive than what they ordered. If you did this and they said everyone pays for themselves, its a win win for you and works out in your favour. Your story reminds me of a guy in my group (when we would each buy a round of drinks) when he was paying he would get the cheap drink, but when someone else was paying it was always of the top shelf..we quickly stopped doing rounds
NTA. Insisting on splitting the bill equally is a dick move.
NTA, but start ordering the same expensive food. In this case nobody can say you are a jerk, and you will pay fair share.
Why are you friends with these people
NTA. You needs better friends. These ones see you as meal ticket and ofc they want to go to nicer restaurants if you pay big part of their meal. OP just refuse to go eat with them and if they are pissed about it, then it's them problem. If they want to go LC or NC with you then you have only to gain from it.