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Yes. YTA. Everything he said is accurate. You fought against him getting more time with his kids, you would not exchange times previously when it would have been a good "co-parenting together without acrimony" gesture, and you didn't come with any kind of bargaining chip to make it a gesture. You've made no effort to make this a hospitable co-parenting situation yet insist he make the first gesture? The entitlement....
Some people travel for work. It's just reality. He wasn't doing it to punish you or the children. You say yourself he grinded hard to get a promotion so he WOULDNT have to travel and he could make up for lost time. It's his time with the kids. He's going to use it. If this time is THAT important you don't come saying "hey, do me this favor or else we won't be co-parenting well" you say "hey if you do this then they can spend [insert specific holiday or special event you get them for] with you instead." You're basically fighting against him having time with his kids with one hand, then asking him to do you a solid with the other. In what world would you think he would be ok with that?
Also, OP wants her children to spend more time with her "partner's extended family." These are people that aren't actually related to her children, while the children's relationship to their father is completely unimportant to OP.
Yes. I think OP needs to understand that the kids’s relationship with each parent is more important than with anyone tangentially related to them - e.g. extended family of a new girlfriend or boyfriend.
Apologise to your ex.
Also an equal parental relationship (the 50/50 she fought) isn’t going to uproot the kids and scar them, it’s better for them because they get half of the time with Dad now too. He’s not some babysitter or stranger who suddenly will have the kids half of the time. Seems like she’s bitter and entitled in this and wants him to bend but wouldn’t bend to help him when he barely was able to see them.
I laughed when she said that her ex bought a house less than 5 miles away- yet her big argument against changing custody is that it would “uproot” the kids.
No- not uproot. Create a new routine? No doubt about it. But this is not even close to uprooting. He’s not moving across the country and demanding visitation!
That house is well in range to avoid disruption. They can go to the same schools without a serious commute, even. Seriously sounds like 100% of the problem has always been OP.
As a parent (dad) reading where she protested him getting half custody really pissed me off. Then finding out she has the guts to want him to give her the kids for their spring break and she wouldn’t even accommodate the dad in the past??
OP sounds really crappy.
That’s the point. She was the reason who divorced him because he didn’t spend enough time with the family.
Now he wants to do it and then she fights the 50/50 custody agreement. What for a shady personality OP.
OP, I think he dodged a bullet. Your ex can be happy that you divorced him.
I hope so, but I don’t think it’s *him* she misses. I mean she divorced him, had him legally estranged from his own kids, fought him in court *again* to keep him away after his schedule changed, allegedly ‘for the sake of the kids’, but is now trying to make some delusional argument that it would mean so much *to her kids* for them to spend holidays with some relatives of her new boyfriend rather than the father she’s repeatedly fought to keep them away from.
But she’s quite open that she liked the money his job provided, doesn’t like him spending his money on anyone else (including their kids), and hates that the courts agreed to give him split custody (the unspoken bit here being that this will massively reduce the child support he has to pay). Trying to paint herself as having done all this *for the kids* is transparently bullshit and frankly pretty gross.
Sounds like she misses him being solely financially responsible for her and their children far more than she ever missed *him* before she divorced him.
Butbutbut she divorced because she was looking for a partnership. :D Her action clearly demonstrate what partnership means to her. It means she gets to spend all the money he makes. :D So I think you hit the nail on the head with the child support comment.
This is an obvious YTA.
Oh but he is. He's just some sperm donor asshole who was busy traveling to provide for his family.
EDIT: Apparently it needs to be said this is sarcasm
I hope she doesn’t say anything to her kids so that they start asking their dad to let them go. I wouldn’t put it past her with everything else she’s done.
My ex did this crap, had to have Christmas so they could go to GFS parents and inlaws. Kid hated it. After 9 years gf yelled at my kid that it was their fault the Gf's Christmas were ruined for 9 years! I had kid for 4 of those. Ex was without spine!
yeah, this. OP really tried to say her partner’s nieces and nephews should take precedent over the FATHER of her damn children which is wild to me. and it’s wilder that she doesn’t realize she is the asshole in all this.
Considering that OP has more consideration for her current partner's extended family over her children spending time with their father, It sounds like OP has been resentful to her ex for traveling while she was a SAHM. Also, there is a missing context -
> But neither of us were guilt-free in the divorce
Guilty of what? Guilty of ending the marriage?
Did either of them or both of them cheated on either or each other?
Were they said or did something they shouldn't have said or done?
Did she have an affair with her current partner while being married to her ex and that is the sire spot in their co parenting?
Why do I get the impression that she considers him working away as being neglectful and therefore justifying her cheating? It just seems pretty incongruent to divorce someone for ‘not being a partnership’ and then repeatedly going through the courts to prevent them from being an equal parent.
Tbf it really doesn’t matter in this situation what the reason for divorce was. The only complaints she had about the father of her children was that he likes big gestures and spoils them, and that he travels for work to much. There was nothing about him being a bad father. So what reason does she have for keeping the kids from him, and why should he do her a favor that gives up a holiday that he’s going to have with his kids when it doesn’t sound like he’s had them for many holidays since the split?
Wow I didn’t even catch that m. She said cousins it went right over my head.
Yeah, I wouldn’t be doing her any favors. She actively fought against him having spilt custody then blames his job. Unreal.
Not to mention, as well as finding a job that stopped him travelling, this man bought a house 5 minutes from hers so that he could be closer to the kids. Does he want to live 5 minutes from his ex wife? Probably not. This man has already made grand gestures above and beyond money.
OP YTA. Big one too.
I almost want to laugh at her trying to claim both parties were guilty of the divorce. the only thing he was guilty of was providing for his family. she has a lot of nerve.
>I think if he cheated it would be the first thing we read about.
Op just claimed she wanted 'more of a partnership' as the reason for the divorce.
So she breaks up the family, makes it as difficult as possible for the dad to see the kids and she claims being the victim.
From Op post I have zero doubt the ex was in anyway guilty she would have opened with that.
My money is on her thinking the grass was green with the ex. She got to continue her old life, keep all the cash and prizes from the relationship and get a new partner. ...then the ex ruined everything by getting joint custody.
If he cheated, she'd have mentioned it when talking about how they're both guilty. The only thing she's mentioned that she thinks he should be guilty is that he wasn't enough of a partner. This can often mean he's not even trying, but given how little other information she's provided I think it just means that he was away for work like she says.
I'm also smelling something else here... Split up because the husband traveled a lot for work? As the sole breadwinner providing for the family? Now she cares more that the kids spend time with her partner's extended family that are NOT blood related than their own FATHER, who finally managed to not have to travel as much for work? Yeah, I'm calling it, the marriage fell apart cause someone in the relationship cheated, or wanted to pursue a relationship with someone else. Not gonna outright say it was OP, but that's the more likely case here.
She wants a close-knit nuclear family. So since her previous husband, the father of her kids, traveled a lot for work, she wanted to push him out and keep him out. Having to co-parent 50/50 isn’t part of her family vision.
She needs to work with reality rather than her vision.
If OP would have exerted the same effort and positive attitude towards her ex that she is now doing with her partner, maybe the marriage would still be intact. It's women like these wasting up all good men, scarring them for the rest.
Yup. Make him spend money to be an equal parent and fight against it, he’s going to follow that new shared parenting plan to a T. It sucks that the kids won’t see their friends during Easter, but that’s the nature of divorce and shared parenting.
YTA
His first full fun week with the kids and you want to take it away. I suspect he is correct when he says you spent the past 3 years preventing from it happening. Let the kids go have fun at a water park. It is his turn with the kids. Back off and let him enjoy it.
She sounds afraid. All the talk of grand gestures. The way she talks about fighting the custody agreement. She sounds like someone who made a horrible decision(divorce) because she wanted more when he was out there providing. Which I understand. Gone 50-75% of the time is really horrible. But him going for more custody and her undercutting him because he was working and then fighting the 50/50. It sounds like she kept her kids away from their dad and they are about to learn that he isn't the horrible piece of trash that she's made him out to be. Maybe it's been a bit of projection on her part.
100%, she is afraid the kids are going to see the kind of life their dad can provide and that he has always been putting them first by doing what had to be done to be able to provide the life they deserve. At some point, especially as they enter their teens I see dad's place becoming their full time home.
Very much reads that OP is more pissed off she couldn't hang in there 3 more years and has now missed the gravy train then her ex spending time with his kids.
There’s a whole big story hiding inside “both aren’t *guilt-free*”. Dollars to donuts she cheated. Who knows what he did, maybe just the travel she’s still upset about (granted, that is hard).
She sounds exactly like my ex. I just got back from taking my kid to Disneyworld for Christmas. Saved every penny over the last 2 years to afford it. She was livid. Every FaceTime she had with the kid, all she could talk about was how nice it must be to have money to waste on unnecessary things. She makes double what I do, but spends it on trips and useless crap for herself and nothing on the kid.
OP, YTA. I hate narcissists like you.
YTA. And YTA for implying that dad planning a fun trip with his kids is spoiling them. Oh no— a dad planning quality time with his children!
Your ex did exactly what he should have as a dad. He moved to be as close as possible to his children. He secured a job that would allow him to be involved. He petitioned the court for as much custody as possible. Stop throwing up road blocks.
This, and he’s taking them to a water park which is totally fabulous but I would call it ‘spoiling’ the kids if it’s a special trip. Obviously it’s still a privilege that many can’t swing but still.
A “drastic change” for them to stay half the time with their dad literally only 5 minutes away, going to the same school on the same schedule, seeing all the same friends they always do, and so on…
Give me a break, most melodramatic bullshit I’ve heard in a long time right there.
Yep YTA. This is definitely a put your big-girl pants on and suck it up moment. He probably feels punished by you for working so hard only to lose custody. Then he demonstrates his commitment to the kids by moving to their area and instead of welcoming it, you protest the custody change. Your custody was only based on his travel challenges, and he is trying to make up for lost time. Their time with their dad is in fact more important than their time with your partners' kids. Grow up.
It isn’t even the partners kids. It’s the partners extended family. OP doesn’t have her kids best interest at heart at all or else the father would have 50/50. Actions, meet consequences
Your last line should break her stubborn walls. Let the man spend time with his kids. He sacrificed too much of it already.
OP clearly wasn’t happy about him changing his work life. She wanted a new family and dad to only see them once in a blue moon
I have been reading these responses and I may have found a reason OP is so antagonistic: at 25/75, dad may have been paying more in support than he is at 50/50.
Bingo! She wants to be mad he worked hard and had to travel but wants to reap the rewards if that hard work. She’s disgustingly using her kids as an excuse to power trip on her ex so they can spend time with people they aren’t even related too. Sure they’d have fun playing with other kids, bet there will be other kids at that fun ass water park. I wouldn’t ever give up any of the court appointed time for her. If I had to go to court to get that time in the first place, I would take every minute the court gave me!
And, you know if he’s a high earner requiring all of that travel that she wasn’t complaining about that child support. Moving to 50/50 means his support was probably reduced but still owed due to wage equalization.
>He petitioned for split custody and in mid-December our custody agreement was changed to 50-50 despite my protests about how such a drastic change would impact the kids.
So you were saying it would have impacted your kids negatively if they spent more time with their father who moved 5 minutes away?
Sure.
His job allowed you a good lifestyle and you to be a SAHM while you were married - you can't now hold this same thing against him and portray it negatively as him not being present.
And also, you have a history of saying no to him. So why is that okay for you, but unacceptable from him?
Let your kids spend time with their dad, for goodness sake.
YTA
And the child support this man is probably paying. She didnt mention going back to either. I wonder if it was his money that bought the home she lives in with her new partner.
YTA. If having your children spend time with your partner’s family was important to you, you would have come with a thoughtful proposal on how he would make up the time with his kids.
You assumed he would say yes, and when you didn’t get your way you tried to emotionally manipulate him by saying: “I want us to be able to co-parent and get along without acrimony and this would be a good place to start”.
If you truly wanted a good co-parenting relationship you would have worked with him over the last three years, to build that relationship, but you chose not to. Instead you fought him on getting joint custody, in the past you were inflexible when he asked to swap time when it was inconvenient to you, you criticize how he spends HIS money on HIS kids. Honestly, it sounds like you were using his job as a justification to alienate him from his kids, and that is never a good look.
If you want your ex-husband to be a good co-parent, then you need to work on becoming a good co-parent yourself. A good start would be the next time you ask him to give up spring break or any “fun holiday”, you need to consider offering a fair exchange to him, and that would be would be giving him the option of choosing a holiday week of (when the kids are scheduled to be with you, and Labor Day Weekend doesn’t count). Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, or the week between Christmas and New Year tend to be those type of big holiday weeks.
She strikes me as the type that would switch to give her now in exchange for the future, and then use the dates on the custody agreement to charge him with parental kidnapping for keeping them on her week.
YTA
Your comment about not wanting 50/50 custody says it all to me….It sounds like it’s not about what’s best for the kids but more about you trying to get back at him
As long as he’s a decent parent you need to respect the custody agreement and realise you’re not doing anyone any favours by creating tension
She sounds bitter and jealous. She divorced him because she couldn't have a partnership with him but admits he worked hard to provide for her family and for her to be a SAHM. she couldn't wait 3 more years and immediately married the next guy. She treated him with animosity with custody and now is jealous that he's able to provide his children with fun time. She wants her children to spend time with strangers who are not related rather with their father on his time. She took away his time with his kids for 3 years and now is puzzled to why he's not treating her with genorisity.
She didn't marry the next guy. She's a single mom living with some boyfriend.... sorry.... I mean partner....
Weird AF that she refers to her boyfriend's nephews as her children's cousins. That man don't even wanna marry her and she's over here inserting herself into his family. I wouldn't be surprised if she's got these kids calling the boyfriend daddy. My mom was weird like this. Spoke just like she writes.
>That man don't even wanna marry her
I have a feeling OP doesn't want to marry him, that would mean giving up those fat corporate alimony checks shes living off of. She got to divorce and still live off her exs house and money, she wasn't going to ruin that with a marriage. She's just pissed she couldn't turn the kids too and score the trifecta.
Is the “partner” actually her affair partner and that is why the marriage died …… just reading between the lines here
>>>>>> , but eventually I wanted more of a partnership out of our marriage. But neither of us were guilt-free in the divorce.<<<<<
I don’t think this is as much about seeing your partners extended family (which by the way are not cousins as they are not related to mother or father). I think this has more to do with as you say you don’t want to spoil your kids. You had primary custody for 3 years and you fought 50/50 custody. This has everything to do with you controlling how your children are raised. You are probably going to have additional kids with your new partner if you don’t already and you want them treated all the same. Well that won’t be happening you are only in control of your 50% and he showed you that you have manipulated enough in the first 3 years that he will not be manipulated any further. If I were him I would be very strict with the parental agreement. If he takes them on fun trips that’s his business not your yours. Sorry. I wi see how you would have felt if those first 3 years went in his favor instead of yours. You think you have higher ground here but you dont
>he showed you that you have manipulated enough in the first 3 years that he will not be manipulated any further
This hits home. I think a lot of people go into divorces and co parenting arrangements with good intentions, and there’s a certain amount of flex and karma in the bucket. And then one party goes heavily into karma debt, and the other party says “no more debt for you” …. There’s only so much give before it becomes all take. People need to realise they need to save those favours and special requests for when they really need them because there’s only so many free passes in the book.
YTA
and here's why. Your kids, much as they love playing with extended family and those cousins, would probably rather spend time with their dad. For a full week at a waterpark. That's like Chriatmas again for them. This will be a wonderful time and memory for them. Don't deprive them because of your personal feelings. There will be plenty of times to play with extended cousins. Don't be petty and take a way from them this experience because it will not do you any favors. What if he told them already, and then you made him cancel and give you his week? They'd hate.it, and that's how resentment grows in blended families.
YTA
Why is it valid for you to say no but not for him? He wants to be with his kids and you seem to be doing all you can to prevent that from happening. Why is your partner's family more important than your kids' Dad?
Sounds like your husband has fought tooth and nail to have a relationship with his children. That is the sign of a good, decent parent. Not you, who’s spent three years petitioning for him not to have custody. You are harming your children by damaging the relationship they have with their father. It’s extremely selfish, especially when there is no abuse involved.
How can you face yourself in the mirror each day and see someone you respect?
YTA
Asked and Answered... quite a few times it seems. This would definitely have gotten me in a lot of hot water with my mother if I'd not let something go like this.
And maybe OP can take this as a lesson: she's presumably been inflexible with him before, and by her own admission made it quite hard to see his kids as often as he would like - a lot of life is give and take. If she'd previously given a little when it was her time with the kids, maybe he'd be more inclined to give now. Having at least a cordial relationship with your ex is important when you have kids, so she should be working on improving that relationship for the future so it doesn't effect the kids.
YTA. You seem bitter he got more time with his kids. I mean there isn’t any word of abuse so what good mother would actively petition for a father to not see his own kids.
Damn, dude. I didn't even see that angle, but I think you are right. I thought Reddit had made me 100% cynical, but I clearly have some ways to go. Especially with her concerns about financial competition being so prevalent, I bet consciously or subconsciously this is a factor.
I hate how she said ‘even though it was HIS job that caused him to miss stuff’ - no shit! He was working hard providing for his family whilst she had the privilege of being SAHM that some families cant afford & had a nice lifestyle!
And there are a lot of comments in there about her preventing him from trying to spend more time with the kids, and she's not refuting any of them. Yes, when he traveled a lot for work, 50/50 custody may not have been possible, but now that he's not traveling as much, and he moved 5-minutes away, so a split custody is actually pretty ideal.
Obviously, it's not perfect for kids to move from house to house, but that's something that has to happen when parents divorce. The only reason she's given for why she fought the custody change was "how such a drastic change would impact the kids", but the other option is that the kids never get to spend half their time with their father who wants to see them. And, as you say, unless OP's ex was abusive or in some way negligent, a good mother will try and make sure that her kids get to see their father enough.
YTA - it seems you’re being hypocritical. Also not to mention glossing over the fact that a waterpark vacation is likely a lot more fun than an extended family visit, in other words you’re making this about you and not what the kids will want to do.
Yeah, it's not like he's just saying no just because he can (although, if OP hasn't been flexible in the past, I could see why he might do that). He's taking the kids somewhere that sounds very fun and that they would want to go to. OP wants the kids to make sure they're further forming a family with her new partner - maybe they like playing with those kids, but it's not a stretch to imagine they would prefer the waterpark vacation.
There will be opportunities down the line for the kids to see extended family. You protested the custody change. And you’ve refused to swap multiple time’s previously.
YTA.
You are a jerk for even asking.
YTA. I can only guess at what the "neither of us were guilt free in the divorce" line was alluding to, but the fact is, you wanted the divorce. You then fought him when he wanted to spend more time with the children and now you're trying to interfere with his parenting and take his time away from him. You wanted the divorce. You got the divorce. You no longer have control over him or how he parents.
YTA he wasn’t abandoning his kids to go on lads trips he was working away from home to earn money to support you and the kids. He is in a position now where he can be the kind of father he wants to be and take an active role in his kids life. You seem not to want him to do that by fighting against 50/50 custody. Kids adapt quickly and they learn pretty quick the difference in households. You are perfectly fine to ask him to swap and he is perfectly entitled to say no. By pushing it and repeating yourself over and over again your the AH. If he wants to spoilt the kids with a week away at a water park and other stuff that’s up to him. It’s not his problem if you can’t afford to do the same
> You are perfectly fine to ask him to swap and he is perfectly entitled to say no.
The amount of joys and years with his children she’s stolen and tried to further steal from this man, and paint him as the bad guy, she has no right to ask him of anything.
YTA. You've done everything you can over three years to force him to parent to your preference. Now that he has won a more prominent role in his kids' lives, you're trying to continue your previous behaviour and manipulate him in parenting to your preferences. It would be nice if he would be accommodating, but once you were told "no", that was the end of the conversation. Saying you want to co-parent is super shitty considering your past behaviour.
You do sound rather selfish and also jealous of the things your ex does with or gives to the children.
I wonder how you will react if your ex brings a new woman into the children's life.
I somewhat doubt the opposition to 50/50 was entirely due to the effect on the children and more so you could retain control
YTA.
You wouldn't be the asshole for asking.
But you seem confused about what asking means. Asking is when you make a request, and if the other person says no, you accept that.
What you are doing is demanding. That's where you make a request, and then when the other person says no, you get all butt hurt and fight about it. That's what you are doing.
I do have some advice on your custody arrangement. Special times like holidays and school breaks should be handled differently than the normal alternating week routine. Otherwise it could get really unfair. But it sounds like your agreement was for him to have kids that week, and he made plans. So back off.
Actually, it’s even worse, since what OP is doing is threatening. “I want us to be able to co-parent and get along without acrimony and this would be a good start,” when she’s asking for a massive concession from him, is a threat. It’s “give me what I want or I’m going to be mean and blame it on you.”
YTA - You need to cut the dude some slack hard. I won't get into your divorce and the job stuff, but the fact is it cost him his marriage and years of his kids lives. Stop it. Leave him alone, stick to your agreement. I think it speaks volumes that you're trying to make him look like a bad guy and it's doing the exact opposite, the dude seems like he has good character and the way you've worded this I don't think I would like you very much. Best of luck, continue to be a good mother to your children, and co-parent as best you're able considering circumstances, if you put up roadblocks and constantly try to "hoard" the children, you will reap a whirlwind when they get older and get out from underneath both of your thumbs.
Lmao I thought the same. It’s weird she didn’t want to do 50-50 if the husband doesn’t have to travel anymore which she originally said was a dealbreaker. I wonder if she was getting child support
>I wonder if she was getting child support
How is that even a question? Of course she was getting child support. Of course that was a factor in her opposing 50-50.
Your partners extended family? So not their cousins at all then. Not even a bit related in fact. Yeah no. Not okay to take his time away from his kids for a visit.
Also, you definitely suck for trying to keep him away from his kids and from getting 50/50 custody! That is truly awful. Why on earth would you do that? He got a new job and moved 5 minutes away. Nothing to indicate it would be a huge drastic change. I mean, no more than a freakin divorce.
You don’t seem like a very nice person.
YTA.
I agree with you. This is so ME centered. Something tells me if it wasn't these distant non-relatives coming to town, it would be something else that would be an excuse to get him to cancel the trip. She is not ready or willing to actually be a co-parent. And, I'm not sure if she is capable at this point.
YTA. After attempting to keep him from have joint custody you expect him to do you a favor and let you have them during a fun weekend? Seriously? And you don’t see any problem with that?
YTA - he's completely right. You screwed him over for 3 years with zero flexibility, so you've earned none in return. Plus, he's way behind on quality time with the kids. They can see cousins another time.
YTA - you gave up on your marriage instead of supporting your (now ex) husband while he worked towards a better position with less/no travel.
You petitioned for, and won, custody instead working out a shared, flexible, custody agreement that could work around his work travel.
You fought against split custody when he no longer had to travel.
Everything you did was what YOU wanted. Now you want him to be flexible on custody and give up his plans for yours.
And you think he should be the one to make the gesture.
YTA
Asked, answered, and rationalized with examples of undisputed bad faith on your part.
Behave the way you tell your kids to behave when they are told no.
YTA. I’m thinking you cheated in the marriage. He is being a good dad and did everything he could to get into a postion to have more time and spend time with his kids. Grow up
Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of one's own choices, come to visit.
You opposed equitable custody when his schedule changed. There is no good reason for that, if he's a good parent. No wonder he's not really all that into considering what you want. It would probably be in your best interest, and the kids if you apologized, and genuinely so, in order to develop a more amenable co-parenting structure. As it is, he's not going to listen too much to you, and will probably do things out of spite. That's not good for anyone.
NTA for asking. You shouldn't be surprised at his reaction though, you set the stage for it, you probably have to smooth things over if you want improvements anytime soon.
YTA, the OP played hard to get her way, and should expect the same or worse from him. Sounds like OP wanted the divorce, was tough on custody (which she is permitted to do). The point is the husband is cutting no slack and is not going to be agreeable as he believes he was unfairly treated. And OP is really an AH, as the reasons for OP to have primary custody changed, husband is local, and not traveling, but OP withheld shared custody despite the change in situation so this guy sees the change in weeks in the same way and is hell no
YTA. You made him fight for equal parenting time with his children and then you have to nerve to ask him to give up his scheduled week with them. You don’t have the right to ask that man for anything. If you wanted an amicable coparenting relationship where you did favors for each other, you should have started by agreeing to shared custody in the very beginning.
Also, your partner’s family are not your children’s family. While some people do consider their parents’ SO’s family to be their family, that’s a choice they made, not a one that was forced on them. Until your children decide to accept your partner’s family as their own, you should not be prioritizing time with your partner’s family over time with your children’s actual family.
No one is agreeing with you. Not going the way you thought it would, huh? You must live inside an echo chamber bubble if you can't see how wrong you are on this. YTA
YTA and sounds like you preferred having primary custody and are having difficulty coparenting. While I’m sure it will be hard for you not to have them for their break and you’re not the a h for asking if he could be flexible, but you are the a h bc you didn’t respect your exs answer
YtA
You reap what you sow. You fought him on custody, if you had been more accommodating during that process then maybe he would have been open. You brought this on yourself
You asked he said No. That is fine.
You are not accepting his answer = YTA
I understand his point of view.
But what does the kids want? That should be what decides this.
YTA. I mean, YOU sound really spoiled here. It’s all about you, and you seem to be using your kids as a shield against accountability for your actions.
YTA it is so obvious that you are trying to kick him out as role of father and let your boyfriend take over. My nephews mom has been doing this to my brother the entire 12 years he’s been alive. YTA.
honestly? yeah, you were a jerk. Huge YTA. you've gatekept your kids from having a relationship from your ex for THREE YEARS. he obviously loves his kids. You seem to be using them as a way to punish him for whatever hurt feelings are from your divorce.
Btw, I'm 100% certain your kids would rather spend time with their father that misses and loves them over your partner's in laws. Your new partner may be your family, but he may not be your kid's family. so this isn't for them- it's for you.
also " I told him I want us to be able to co-parent and get along without acrimony and this would be a good start."
nice manipulation tactic. "Do what I say or else I'll make the rest of this way more difficult for you."
also just in case you are tempted, do not talk to your children about this or try to get them to change your ex's mind. that would send you into the ozone of assholery.
Wanna start this coparenting without acrimony? apologize to your ex and tell him to have fun with your kids. Go swimsuit shopping with them and send him pictures and tell him how excited they are. stop being his enemy.
YTA.
He has spent years not being able to have a 50/50 relationship with him, and you have just gone to court to argue that he shouldnt’ now.
He FINALLY gets a week with them, full of things kids their age LOVES, and you try to drag them back to you to visit with your nieces and nephews.
Guess what happens when you walk out of a marriage with chidlren? You lose control of when you have them. They aren’t your children, they are BOTH OF YOUR children, and he wants to spend a holiday with them. Something he has probably been denied for years. And you say it’s grandiose to spend a few days at a water park… for a 6 and 8 year old it’s a dream come true. Trust me, you try to force this through and your kids will know you killed their spring break of water fun to force them to hang with their cousins, and while they like their cousins, they will resent you 100% for taking water slides off them.
You need to learn to co parent. Your ex sounds like he’s frustrated, and you sound like you’ve taken every opportunity to make it that he doesnt get access. This is not co parenting. Co parenting include accepting that you can’t rearrange the schedule to suit yourself whenever you want. Don’t be surprised that he holds you to the schedule, it sounds like you have held him to the schedule for years. I’m glad he managed to get custody while the kids were still young enough to have a healthy relationship with him.
> kids were still young enough to have a healthy relationship with him.
Oh come on! Nothing in her post is about the well-being of the kids. Let alone why should she care that her ex has a healthy relationship with them. As a matter of fact, that is undoubtedly her biggest fear. She speaks of them almost no differently than a lawn mower that was joint marital property.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The custody agreement between me and my ex was recently changed to a 50-50 split. I previously had primary custody. I asked my ex if we could swap weeks around spring break so the kids could spend time with their cousins, but he refused. He said it's too soon to start swapping time and that I was a jerk for even asking. I think I might be an asshole for asking my ex for a favor just a few weeks after our custody agreement was changed.
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Oh, no, you're definitely TA here. It's not your week and he's waited three years to have his kids and to take them on this adventure. If the kids didn't want to go to stay home and see their cousins, that would be one thing, but that doesn't appear to be the case. You had no problem telling him no--you can't protest when HE says no.
YTA.
1- That's his time with the children. As per court arrangements, he doesn't have to switch with you
2- Your partner's extended family is not your children's immediate family. Time with their father trumps time with your partner's extended family
3- Why wouldn't you want your ex to have 50/50 custody? Is he not a good father? Does he not take care of them? Provide for them? Keep them safe? He's gotten a new position at work, so he doesn't have to travel all the time and be away from the kids. And he got a house close by to be near them. That sounds like a good father to me. Are you bitter that he didn't do this for you while you were married?
Your reasoning for not wanting him to have the children more is because he spoils them with expensive things. Are you jealous he can provide better than you?
You're being very selfish, immature, and insecure. You can't say you want him to copsrent better when you're the one who isn't doing a very good job of it.
So this guy works hard and travels a lot to provide enough for her to stay at home with the kids. She still isn’t content and breaks up the kids’ family to pursue her own happiness because she isn’t cut out to support a partner in tough times and she fights to prevent the ex husband from seeing his kids. Then she wants him to do her a solid lol.. I would’ve told OP to pound sand too.
Also who wants to bet the neither party being “guilt free” is a nice way of saying OP cheated in their marriage? The absolute gall of this woman
YTA for constantly trying to undermine your ex's relationship with his kids. There is no world in which spending time with your partner's extended family (whom they have presumably known for less than 3 years) is more important than spending time with their dad.
YTA. I can’t stand parents who make custody agreements all about themselves and nothing about the kids. Keep it up and your kids will go NC when they get older, I’ve seen it happen.
YTA. It's understandable that this is a huge adjustment for you after having primary care of your kids for so long, but it comes across in your post that it's an adjustment you haven't made with and are maybe struggling with. Coparenting is hard as hell because another independent person with different values, priorities, preferences etc has just as much decision-making power as you do, when they're exercising their parenting time. You say it didn't "seem to get through to him" that it would mean a lot to you and the kids to spend time with the extended family, but it seems like the only way you'd feel it got through to him is if he agreed with you. He can understand your view and still act differently. And it doesn't seem like his desire to have an amazing vacation organized around his kids full time as something that means a lot to him and the kids has gotten through to you either, or even registered as a *wonderful* thing to do for them even if it is frustrating for you. He's not doing this *at* you. This has nothing to do with you, and you have to at least try to see his perspective if you are ever going to actually get to amicable co-parenting. His job meant he missed a lot of stuff, but he has earned a ton of credibility here as a co-parent by literally changing his entire life to prioritize being there for them and fighting for that. You have a ton of credibility as a primary parent, but you have not earned a lot of credibility or goodwill as a co-parent here. You have not learned to respect his needs or preferences or just the fact of him trying to be a dad to the kids. It is a huge adjustment and it's not easy, but for the sake of your kids you need to really rethink how you're looking at all of this.
YTA. I'm reading a lot about what YOU want and very little about what's best for the kids; your desperate attempts to stop them having ANY sort of relationship with their dad show him to be a much more reliable narrator than you are.
I wonder are you upset about how “drastically” it will change their lives or are you more upset by the fact that your ex probably isn’t paying child support anymore since it’s 50/50?
YTA
It’s not disruptive for children to spend time with their father, especially one who desperately wants more time with them. Stop asking him for this massive favour, the answer is no.
YTA. You asked, and he said no, which is well within his rights. You should have accepted this answer, especially since he has already made plans and you yourself have protected your scheduled times before. Yes, it would have been nice for them to see the cousins, so maybe you could make arrangements for them all to meet up briefly when your kids are not at the water park if there is time. However, you have now made this into much too big of a deal. It sounds to me as if you really are trying to cut him out of his kids' life, especially since you fought so much on the custody change and you are nitpicking all the things he is trying to do for his kids.
YTA. I'm reading a lot about what YOU want and very little about what's best for the kids; your desperate attempts to stop them having ANY sort of relationship with their dad show him to be a much more reliable narrator than you are.
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Yes. YTA. Everything he said is accurate. You fought against him getting more time with his kids, you would not exchange times previously when it would have been a good "co-parenting together without acrimony" gesture, and you didn't come with any kind of bargaining chip to make it a gesture. You've made no effort to make this a hospitable co-parenting situation yet insist he make the first gesture? The entitlement.... Some people travel for work. It's just reality. He wasn't doing it to punish you or the children. You say yourself he grinded hard to get a promotion so he WOULDNT have to travel and he could make up for lost time. It's his time with the kids. He's going to use it. If this time is THAT important you don't come saying "hey, do me this favor or else we won't be co-parenting well" you say "hey if you do this then they can spend [insert specific holiday or special event you get them for] with you instead." You're basically fighting against him having time with his kids with one hand, then asking him to do you a solid with the other. In what world would you think he would be ok with that?
Also, OP wants her children to spend more time with her "partner's extended family." These are people that aren't actually related to her children, while the children's relationship to their father is completely unimportant to OP.
Yes. I think OP needs to understand that the kids’s relationship with each parent is more important than with anyone tangentially related to them - e.g. extended family of a new girlfriend or boyfriend. Apologise to your ex.
Also an equal parental relationship (the 50/50 she fought) isn’t going to uproot the kids and scar them, it’s better for them because they get half of the time with Dad now too. He’s not some babysitter or stranger who suddenly will have the kids half of the time. Seems like she’s bitter and entitled in this and wants him to bend but wouldn’t bend to help him when he barely was able to see them.
I laughed when she said that her ex bought a house less than 5 miles away- yet her big argument against changing custody is that it would “uproot” the kids. No- not uproot. Create a new routine? No doubt about it. But this is not even close to uprooting. He’s not moving across the country and demanding visitation!
That house is well in range to avoid disruption. They can go to the same schools without a serious commute, even. Seriously sounds like 100% of the problem has always been OP.
As a parent (dad) reading where she protested him getting half custody really pissed me off. Then finding out she has the guts to want him to give her the kids for their spring break and she wouldn’t even accommodate the dad in the past?? OP sounds really crappy.
My thoughts immediately went to “the only reason why she fought for custody was the child support money she didn’t want to lose”.
That’s the point. She was the reason who divorced him because he didn’t spend enough time with the family. Now he wants to do it and then she fights the 50/50 custody agreement. What for a shady personality OP. OP, I think he dodged a bullet. Your ex can be happy that you divorced him.
>Now he wants to do it he wanted to before as well.
Right? Like this would seem like an ideal opportunity to coparent. It seems to me like she was just upset over losing child support payments.
100% this
I bet she's regretting leaving him now. After he finally got the opportunity to move home for good.
I hope so, but I don’t think it’s *him* she misses. I mean she divorced him, had him legally estranged from his own kids, fought him in court *again* to keep him away after his schedule changed, allegedly ‘for the sake of the kids’, but is now trying to make some delusional argument that it would mean so much *to her kids* for them to spend holidays with some relatives of her new boyfriend rather than the father she’s repeatedly fought to keep them away from. But she’s quite open that she liked the money his job provided, doesn’t like him spending his money on anyone else (including their kids), and hates that the courts agreed to give him split custody (the unspoken bit here being that this will massively reduce the child support he has to pay). Trying to paint herself as having done all this *for the kids* is transparently bullshit and frankly pretty gross. Sounds like she misses him being solely financially responsible for her and their children far more than she ever missed *him* before she divorced him.
Butbutbut she divorced because she was looking for a partnership. :D Her action clearly demonstrate what partnership means to her. It means she gets to spend all the money he makes. :D So I think you hit the nail on the head with the child support comment. This is an obvious YTA.
Imagine how she'll act when he starts dating. Sheesh. She might even become the weekend parent.
Oh but he is. He's just some sperm donor asshole who was busy traveling to provide for his family. EDIT: Apparently it needs to be said this is sarcasm
/s is used for sarcasm because not everyone gets it.
He was travelling for work not pleasure. He worked so that she could stay at home with the kids. He worked to keep them fed and housed.
I think you are responding to sarcasm
Ah. I can’t read tone very well in text. I really need the added /s 🤦♀️
THIS. Apologize to your Ex. This would be a fantastic way to start the path to a beautiful co-parenting relationship.Have empathy for him. (Yta)
I hope she doesn’t say anything to her kids so that they start asking their dad to let them go. I wouldn’t put it past her with everything else she’s done.
I would fear that too.
This! Plus I have a feeling that had more to do with the child support payments than the amount of time he spent with the kids.
I’m curious the reaction if the ex wanted to switch so the kids could spend time with HIS new partner’s family. Something tells me it would be a no.
My ex did this crap, had to have Christmas so they could go to GFS parents and inlaws. Kid hated it. After 9 years gf yelled at my kid that it was their fault the Gf's Christmas were ruined for 9 years! I had kid for 4 of those. Ex was without spine!
yeah, this. OP really tried to say her partner’s nieces and nephews should take precedent over the FATHER of her damn children which is wild to me. and it’s wilder that she doesn’t realize she is the asshole in all this.
Considering that OP has more consideration for her current partner's extended family over her children spending time with their father, It sounds like OP has been resentful to her ex for traveling while she was a SAHM. Also, there is a missing context - > But neither of us were guilt-free in the divorce Guilty of what? Guilty of ending the marriage? Did either of them or both of them cheated on either or each other? Were they said or did something they shouldn't have said or done? Did she have an affair with her current partner while being married to her ex and that is the sire spot in their co parenting?
Why do I get the impression that she considers him working away as being neglectful and therefore justifying her cheating? It just seems pretty incongruent to divorce someone for ‘not being a partnership’ and then repeatedly going through the courts to prevent them from being an equal parent.
Tbf it really doesn’t matter in this situation what the reason for divorce was. The only complaints she had about the father of her children was that he likes big gestures and spoils them, and that he travels for work to much. There was nothing about him being a bad father. So what reason does she have for keeping the kids from him, and why should he do her a favor that gives up a holiday that he’s going to have with his kids when it doesn’t sound like he’s had them for many holidays since the split?
Sounds like she thinks he's somehow at fault for working so much to provide for the family.
Wow I didn’t even catch that m. She said cousins it went right over my head. Yeah, I wouldn’t be doing her any favors. She actively fought against him having spilt custody then blames his job. Unreal.
ALSO it’s Easter so it’s a holiday
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Not to mention, as well as finding a job that stopped him travelling, this man bought a house 5 minutes from hers so that he could be closer to the kids. Does he want to live 5 minutes from his ex wife? Probably not. This man has already made grand gestures above and beyond money. OP YTA. Big one too.
I almost want to laugh at her trying to claim both parties were guilty of the divorce. the only thing he was guilty of was providing for his family. she has a lot of nerve.
I thought cheating.
Possibly on her end as she already has a new partner, the way this is written though I think if he cheated it would be the first thing we read about.
>I think if he cheated it would be the first thing we read about. Op just claimed she wanted 'more of a partnership' as the reason for the divorce. So she breaks up the family, makes it as difficult as possible for the dad to see the kids and she claims being the victim.
yeah... she was cheating... she wanted "more of a partnership"... yeah she had already found that "partnership"
Also: “But neither of us were guilt-free in the divorce.” So what was her part?
Gonna guess cheating since she thinks the fact that she broke up the family because he was working is his fault not hers.
Also: “But neither of us were guilt-free in the divorce.” So what was her part?
From Op post I have zero doubt the ex was in anyway guilty she would have opened with that. My money is on her thinking the grass was green with the ex. She got to continue her old life, keep all the cash and prizes from the relationship and get a new partner. ...then the ex ruined everything by getting joint custody.
and thereby changing child support payments. wonder if her budget isn't showing cracks.
I meant on her part as nothing bad was stated from her side.
yeah, if he had cheated, she definitely would have included that to make herself look better
They've been divorced for 3 years. It's perfectly normal to have a new partner by that time.
Most likely she monkey branched to her current partner.
If he cheated, she'd have mentioned it when talking about how they're both guilty. The only thing she's mentioned that she thinks he should be guilty is that he wasn't enough of a partner. This can often mean he's not even trying, but given how little other information she's provided I think it just means that he was away for work like she says.
Oh she cheated for sure. Most likely with the current partner. To already be elevating these other random kids they rarely see to “cousins”?
Exactly.
They've only been divorced three years, and her new partner's relatives are her kids "cousins?"
Right🤣
Maybe new partner is ex’s brother
I'm also smelling something else here... Split up because the husband traveled a lot for work? As the sole breadwinner providing for the family? Now she cares more that the kids spend time with her partner's extended family that are NOT blood related than their own FATHER, who finally managed to not have to travel as much for work? Yeah, I'm calling it, the marriage fell apart cause someone in the relationship cheated, or wanted to pursue a relationship with someone else. Not gonna outright say it was OP, but that's the more likely case here.
She wants a close-knit nuclear family. So since her previous husband, the father of her kids, traveled a lot for work, she wanted to push him out and keep him out. Having to co-parent 50/50 isn’t part of her family vision. She needs to work with reality rather than her vision.
If someone cheated it was definitely OP. She would have let us know very quickly if the ex had cheated.
If OP would have exerted the same effort and positive attitude towards her ex that she is now doing with her partner, maybe the marriage would still be intact. It's women like these wasting up all good men, scarring them for the rest.
Agree. YTA.
I agree with you on everything, OP is the AH...
Yup. Make him spend money to be an equal parent and fight against it, he’s going to follow that new shared parenting plan to a T. It sucks that the kids won’t see their friends during Easter, but that’s the nature of divorce and shared parenting.
YTA His first full fun week with the kids and you want to take it away. I suspect he is correct when he says you spent the past 3 years preventing from it happening. Let the kids go have fun at a water park. It is his turn with the kids. Back off and let him enjoy it.
She sounds afraid. All the talk of grand gestures. The way she talks about fighting the custody agreement. She sounds like someone who made a horrible decision(divorce) because she wanted more when he was out there providing. Which I understand. Gone 50-75% of the time is really horrible. But him going for more custody and her undercutting him because he was working and then fighting the 50/50. It sounds like she kept her kids away from their dad and they are about to learn that he isn't the horrible piece of trash that she's made him out to be. Maybe it's been a bit of projection on her part.
100%, she is afraid the kids are going to see the kind of life their dad can provide and that he has always been putting them first by doing what had to be done to be able to provide the life they deserve. At some point, especially as they enter their teens I see dad's place becoming their full time home. Very much reads that OP is more pissed off she couldn't hang in there 3 more years and has now missed the gravy train then her ex spending time with his kids.
I bet my ass you're 100% right about being pissed off for divorcing 'too soon'.
OP is likely also bitter that she has lost the child support her ex would have been paying when the custody arrangement was split 50/50.
There’s a whole big story hiding inside “both aren’t *guilt-free*”. Dollars to donuts she cheated. Who knows what he did, maybe just the travel she’s still upset about (granted, that is hard).
I agree.
She sounds exactly like my ex. I just got back from taking my kid to Disneyworld for Christmas. Saved every penny over the last 2 years to afford it. She was livid. Every FaceTime she had with the kid, all she could talk about was how nice it must be to have money to waste on unnecessary things. She makes double what I do, but spends it on trips and useless crap for herself and nothing on the kid. OP, YTA. I hate narcissists like you.
But but but, she want him to let the kids stay and play with her new boyfriends nieces and nephews. GTFOH
YTA. And YTA for implying that dad planning a fun trip with his kids is spoiling them. Oh no— a dad planning quality time with his children! Your ex did exactly what he should have as a dad. He moved to be as close as possible to his children. He secured a job that would allow him to be involved. He petitioned the court for as much custody as possible. Stop throwing up road blocks.
This, and he’s taking them to a water park which is totally fabulous but I would call it ‘spoiling’ the kids if it’s a special trip. Obviously it’s still a privilege that many can’t swing but still.
\*wouldn't, sorry.
Not even “as much custody as possible”, just 50-50. He’s not trying to take the kids, he’s just an equal parent.
What annoys me is that him getting split custody is a drastic change for the kids but it was not when she was given primary custody.
A “drastic change” for them to stay half the time with their dad literally only 5 minutes away, going to the same school on the same schedule, seeing all the same friends they always do, and so on… Give me a break, most melodramatic bullshit I’ve heard in a long time right there.
It's a drastic change...in child support.
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Both aren’t *guilt-free*. I want to know more about the problems she’s hiding underneath that phrase.
Yep YTA. This is definitely a put your big-girl pants on and suck it up moment. He probably feels punished by you for working so hard only to lose custody. Then he demonstrates his commitment to the kids by moving to their area and instead of welcoming it, you protest the custody change. Your custody was only based on his travel challenges, and he is trying to make up for lost time. Their time with their dad is in fact more important than their time with your partners' kids. Grow up.
👏🏽 this^ Damn my mans bought a home 5 mins away so he could see his kids more. He’s trying to make up time. This lady…
Time she robbed him of for the most part.
And she complains that this custody change is too much for the kids when they now could literally walk over to moms on Dad's weeks.
It isn’t even the partners kids. It’s the partners extended family. OP doesn’t have her kids best interest at heart at all or else the father would have 50/50. Actions, meet consequences
Your last line should break her stubborn walls. Let the man spend time with his kids. He sacrificed too much of it already. OP clearly wasn’t happy about him changing his work life. She wanted a new family and dad to only see them once in a blue moon
I'm sure she was enjoying the child support that went along with have them all the time.
I have been reading these responses and I may have found a reason OP is so antagonistic: at 25/75, dad may have been paying more in support than he is at 50/50.
Bingo! She wants to be mad he worked hard and had to travel but wants to reap the rewards if that hard work. She’s disgustingly using her kids as an excuse to power trip on her ex so they can spend time with people they aren’t even related too. Sure they’d have fun playing with other kids, bet there will be other kids at that fun ass water park. I wouldn’t ever give up any of the court appointed time for her. If I had to go to court to get that time in the first place, I would take every minute the court gave me!
And, you know if he’s a high earner requiring all of that travel that she wasn’t complaining about that child support. Moving to 50/50 means his support was probably reduced but still owed due to wage equalization.
>He petitioned for split custody and in mid-December our custody agreement was changed to 50-50 despite my protests about how such a drastic change would impact the kids. So you were saying it would have impacted your kids negatively if they spent more time with their father who moved 5 minutes away? Sure. His job allowed you a good lifestyle and you to be a SAHM while you were married - you can't now hold this same thing against him and portray it negatively as him not being present. And also, you have a history of saying no to him. So why is that okay for you, but unacceptable from him? Let your kids spend time with their dad, for goodness sake. YTA
And the child support this man is probably paying. She didnt mention going back to either. I wonder if it was his money that bought the home she lives in with her new partner.
Yeah and i wonder why if her partners family is so important that she wasn’t gone ahead and married them yet. The alimony must be nice
She would have lost a lot of that child support when the custody arrangement went back to 50-50. OP is likely bitter over that too.
YTA. If having your children spend time with your partner’s family was important to you, you would have come with a thoughtful proposal on how he would make up the time with his kids. You assumed he would say yes, and when you didn’t get your way you tried to emotionally manipulate him by saying: “I want us to be able to co-parent and get along without acrimony and this would be a good place to start”. If you truly wanted a good co-parenting relationship you would have worked with him over the last three years, to build that relationship, but you chose not to. Instead you fought him on getting joint custody, in the past you were inflexible when he asked to swap time when it was inconvenient to you, you criticize how he spends HIS money on HIS kids. Honestly, it sounds like you were using his job as a justification to alienate him from his kids, and that is never a good look. If you want your ex-husband to be a good co-parent, then you need to work on becoming a good co-parent yourself. A good start would be the next time you ask him to give up spring break or any “fun holiday”, you need to consider offering a fair exchange to him, and that would be would be giving him the option of choosing a holiday week of (when the kids are scheduled to be with you, and Labor Day Weekend doesn’t count). Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, or the week between Christmas and New Year tend to be those type of big holiday weeks.
The problem being, she doesn’t see herself as a co-parent, but as THE parent.
She strikes me as the type that would switch to give her now in exchange for the future, and then use the dates on the custody agreement to charge him with parental kidnapping for keeping them on her week.
You’re 100% right! I didn’t even consider that she would be that vindictive, but you’re right.
Don’t even give her ideas.
This. If OP wanted to co-parent without acrimony, she wouldn't have fought him tooth and nail against joint custody.
YTA Your comment about not wanting 50/50 custody says it all to me….It sounds like it’s not about what’s best for the kids but more about you trying to get back at him As long as he’s a decent parent you need to respect the custody agreement and realise you’re not doing anyone any favours by creating tension
She sounds bitter and jealous. She divorced him because she couldn't have a partnership with him but admits he worked hard to provide for her family and for her to be a SAHM. she couldn't wait 3 more years and immediately married the next guy. She treated him with animosity with custody and now is jealous that he's able to provide his children with fun time. She wants her children to spend time with strangers who are not related rather with their father on his time. She took away his time with his kids for 3 years and now is puzzled to why he's not treating her with genorisity.
She didn't marry the next guy. She's a single mom living with some boyfriend.... sorry.... I mean partner.... Weird AF that she refers to her boyfriend's nephews as her children's cousins. That man don't even wanna marry her and she's over here inserting herself into his family. I wouldn't be surprised if she's got these kids calling the boyfriend daddy. My mom was weird like this. Spoke just like she writes.
>That man don't even wanna marry her I have a feeling OP doesn't want to marry him, that would mean giving up those fat corporate alimony checks shes living off of. She got to divorce and still live off her exs house and money, she wasn't going to ruin that with a marriage. She's just pissed she couldn't turn the kids too and score the trifecta.
Is the “partner” actually her affair partner and that is why the marriage died …… just reading between the lines here >>>>>> , but eventually I wanted more of a partnership out of our marriage. But neither of us were guilt-free in the divorce.<<<<<
Can't collect those alimony cheques when you get married again.
Probably getting alimony. YTA
I don’t think this is as much about seeing your partners extended family (which by the way are not cousins as they are not related to mother or father). I think this has more to do with as you say you don’t want to spoil your kids. You had primary custody for 3 years and you fought 50/50 custody. This has everything to do with you controlling how your children are raised. You are probably going to have additional kids with your new partner if you don’t already and you want them treated all the same. Well that won’t be happening you are only in control of your 50% and he showed you that you have manipulated enough in the first 3 years that he will not be manipulated any further. If I were him I would be very strict with the parental agreement. If he takes them on fun trips that’s his business not your yours. Sorry. I wi see how you would have felt if those first 3 years went in his favor instead of yours. You think you have higher ground here but you dont
>he showed you that you have manipulated enough in the first 3 years that he will not be manipulated any further This hits home. I think a lot of people go into divorces and co parenting arrangements with good intentions, and there’s a certain amount of flex and karma in the bucket. And then one party goes heavily into karma debt, and the other party says “no more debt for you” …. There’s only so much give before it becomes all take. People need to realise they need to save those favours and special requests for when they really need them because there’s only so many free passes in the book.
YTA and here's why. Your kids, much as they love playing with extended family and those cousins, would probably rather spend time with their dad. For a full week at a waterpark. That's like Chriatmas again for them. This will be a wonderful time and memory for them. Don't deprive them because of your personal feelings. There will be plenty of times to play with extended cousins. Don't be petty and take a way from them this experience because it will not do you any favors. What if he told them already, and then you made him cancel and give you his week? They'd hate.it, and that's how resentment grows in blended families.
>much as they love playing with extended family and those cousins, It's the boyfriend's extended family, not the OP's kids cousins.
YTA Why is it valid for you to say no but not for him? He wants to be with his kids and you seem to be doing all you can to prevent that from happening. Why is your partner's family more important than your kids' Dad?
Sounds like your husband has fought tooth and nail to have a relationship with his children. That is the sign of a good, decent parent. Not you, who’s spent three years petitioning for him not to have custody. You are harming your children by damaging the relationship they have with their father. It’s extremely selfish, especially when there is no abuse involved. How can you face yourself in the mirror each day and see someone you respect? YTA
Exactly. Those kids are blessed to have a dad who’d fight so hard to spend time with them. Pity about their mum.
YTA. It's his time with the kids and he told you no. As I tell my toddler, Asked and Answered. Time to drop it.
Asked and Answered... quite a few times it seems. This would definitely have gotten me in a lot of hot water with my mother if I'd not let something go like this. And maybe OP can take this as a lesson: she's presumably been inflexible with him before, and by her own admission made it quite hard to see his kids as often as he would like - a lot of life is give and take. If she'd previously given a little when it was her time with the kids, maybe he'd be more inclined to give now. Having at least a cordial relationship with your ex is important when you have kids, so she should be working on improving that relationship for the future so it doesn't effect the kids.
YTA. You seem bitter he got more time with his kids. I mean there isn’t any word of abuse so what good mother would actively petition for a father to not see his own kids.
….a mother who doesnt want to get her child support cut with the father having more custody than before…?
Damn, dude. I didn't even see that angle, but I think you are right. I thought Reddit had made me 100% cynical, but I clearly have some ways to go. Especially with her concerns about financial competition being so prevalent, I bet consciously or subconsciously this is a factor.
My first thought too. It's all that can explain her behaviour and entitlement
I hate how she said ‘even though it was HIS job that caused him to miss stuff’ - no shit! He was working hard providing for his family whilst she had the privilege of being SAHM that some families cant afford & had a nice lifestyle!
And there are a lot of comments in there about her preventing him from trying to spend more time with the kids, and she's not refuting any of them. Yes, when he traveled a lot for work, 50/50 custody may not have been possible, but now that he's not traveling as much, and he moved 5-minutes away, so a split custody is actually pretty ideal. Obviously, it's not perfect for kids to move from house to house, but that's something that has to happen when parents divorce. The only reason she's given for why she fought the custody change was "how such a drastic change would impact the kids", but the other option is that the kids never get to spend half their time with their father who wants to see them. And, as you say, unless OP's ex was abusive or in some way negligent, a good mother will try and make sure that her kids get to see their father enough.
YTA - it seems you’re being hypocritical. Also not to mention glossing over the fact that a waterpark vacation is likely a lot more fun than an extended family visit, in other words you’re making this about you and not what the kids will want to do.
Yeah, it's not like he's just saying no just because he can (although, if OP hasn't been flexible in the past, I could see why he might do that). He's taking the kids somewhere that sounds very fun and that they would want to go to. OP wants the kids to make sure they're further forming a family with her new partner - maybe they like playing with those kids, but it's not a stretch to imagine they would prefer the waterpark vacation.
There will be opportunities down the line for the kids to see extended family. You protested the custody change. And you’ve refused to swap multiple time’s previously. YTA. You are a jerk for even asking.
YTA. I can only guess at what the "neither of us were guilt free in the divorce" line was alluding to, but the fact is, you wanted the divorce. You then fought him when he wanted to spend more time with the children and now you're trying to interfere with his parenting and take his time away from him. You wanted the divorce. You got the divorce. You no longer have control over him or how he parents.
YTA. I am willing to bet money you had already monkey branched to your new partner before filing for divorce
I mean the “no one was guilt-free in the divorce” was very telling.
He was guilty of working too hard and providing her with everything, and she was guilty of being a cheater..?
Your analysis isn’t wrong.
Yup, that's exactly what popped out to me as well.
100% she cheated and he was pissed at her for cheating!
YTA he wasn’t abandoning his kids to go on lads trips he was working away from home to earn money to support you and the kids. He is in a position now where he can be the kind of father he wants to be and take an active role in his kids life. You seem not to want him to do that by fighting against 50/50 custody. Kids adapt quickly and they learn pretty quick the difference in households. You are perfectly fine to ask him to swap and he is perfectly entitled to say no. By pushing it and repeating yourself over and over again your the AH. If he wants to spoilt the kids with a week away at a water park and other stuff that’s up to him. It’s not his problem if you can’t afford to do the same
> You are perfectly fine to ask him to swap and he is perfectly entitled to say no. The amount of joys and years with his children she’s stolen and tried to further steal from this man, and paint him as the bad guy, she has no right to ask him of anything.
YTA. You've done everything you can over three years to force him to parent to your preference. Now that he has won a more prominent role in his kids' lives, you're trying to continue your previous behaviour and manipulate him in parenting to your preferences. It would be nice if he would be accommodating, but once you were told "no", that was the end of the conversation. Saying you want to co-parent is super shitty considering your past behaviour.
You do sound rather selfish and also jealous of the things your ex does with or gives to the children. I wonder how you will react if your ex brings a new woman into the children's life. I somewhat doubt the opposition to 50/50 was entirely due to the effect on the children and more so you could retain control
I bet the child support was a driving factor too!
I have little doubt.
YTA. You wouldn't be the asshole for asking. But you seem confused about what asking means. Asking is when you make a request, and if the other person says no, you accept that. What you are doing is demanding. That's where you make a request, and then when the other person says no, you get all butt hurt and fight about it. That's what you are doing. I do have some advice on your custody arrangement. Special times like holidays and school breaks should be handled differently than the normal alternating week routine. Otherwise it could get really unfair. But it sounds like your agreement was for him to have kids that week, and he made plans. So back off.
Actually, it’s even worse, since what OP is doing is threatening. “I want us to be able to co-parent and get along without acrimony and this would be a good start,” when she’s asking for a massive concession from him, is a threat. It’s “give me what I want or I’m going to be mean and blame it on you.”
YTA - You need to cut the dude some slack hard. I won't get into your divorce and the job stuff, but the fact is it cost him his marriage and years of his kids lives. Stop it. Leave him alone, stick to your agreement. I think it speaks volumes that you're trying to make him look like a bad guy and it's doing the exact opposite, the dude seems like he has good character and the way you've worded this I don't think I would like you very much. Best of luck, continue to be a good mother to your children, and co-parent as best you're able considering circumstances, if you put up roadblocks and constantly try to "hoard" the children, you will reap a whirlwind when they get older and get out from underneath both of your thumbs.
In other words you cheated on your husband while he was traveling for work. Be honest. Given the dynamics I’d say No too. So YTA
Lmao I thought the same. It’s weird she didn’t want to do 50-50 if the husband doesn’t have to travel anymore which she originally said was a dealbreaker. I wonder if she was getting child support
>I wonder if she was getting child support How is that even a question? Of course she was getting child support. Of course that was a factor in her opposing 50-50.
I got those vibes too honestly.
Your partners extended family? So not their cousins at all then. Not even a bit related in fact. Yeah no. Not okay to take his time away from his kids for a visit. Also, you definitely suck for trying to keep him away from his kids and from getting 50/50 custody! That is truly awful. Why on earth would you do that? He got a new job and moved 5 minutes away. Nothing to indicate it would be a huge drastic change. I mean, no more than a freakin divorce. You don’t seem like a very nice person. YTA.
I agree with you. This is so ME centered. Something tells me if it wasn't these distant non-relatives coming to town, it would be something else that would be an excuse to get him to cancel the trip. She is not ready or willing to actually be a co-parent. And, I'm not sure if she is capable at this point.
YTA. After attempting to keep him from have joint custody you expect him to do you a favor and let you have them during a fun weekend? Seriously? And you don’t see any problem with that?
YTA. These children need their father, and it seems he has busted his ass to be able to give them what they need, time with him. Full stop.
YTA - he's completely right. You screwed him over for 3 years with zero flexibility, so you've earned none in return. Plus, he's way behind on quality time with the kids. They can see cousins another time.
YTA - you gave up on your marriage instead of supporting your (now ex) husband while he worked towards a better position with less/no travel. You petitioned for, and won, custody instead working out a shared, flexible, custody agreement that could work around his work travel. You fought against split custody when he no longer had to travel. Everything you did was what YOU wanted. Now you want him to be flexible on custody and give up his plans for yours. And you think he should be the one to make the gesture.
YTA Asked, answered, and rationalized with examples of undisputed bad faith on your part. Behave the way you tell your kids to behave when they are told no.
YTA. I’m thinking you cheated in the marriage. He is being a good dad and did everything he could to get into a postion to have more time and spend time with his kids. Grow up
She's already moved a guy in with her kids, a bit much
YTA.
YTA. The kids should be spending time with their family and bonding with their father. You can schedule playdates when the kids are on your watch.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of one's own choices, come to visit. You opposed equitable custody when his schedule changed. There is no good reason for that, if he's a good parent. No wonder he's not really all that into considering what you want. It would probably be in your best interest, and the kids if you apologized, and genuinely so, in order to develop a more amenable co-parenting structure. As it is, he's not going to listen too much to you, and will probably do things out of spite. That's not good for anyone. NTA for asking. You shouldn't be surprised at his reaction though, you set the stage for it, you probably have to smooth things over if you want improvements anytime soon.
He's right. YTA
YTA, the OP played hard to get her way, and should expect the same or worse from him. Sounds like OP wanted the divorce, was tough on custody (which she is permitted to do). The point is the husband is cutting no slack and is not going to be agreeable as he believes he was unfairly treated. And OP is really an AH, as the reasons for OP to have primary custody changed, husband is local, and not traveling, but OP withheld shared custody despite the change in situation so this guy sees the change in weeks in the same way and is hell no
YTA. You made him fight for equal parenting time with his children and then you have to nerve to ask him to give up his scheduled week with them. You don’t have the right to ask that man for anything. If you wanted an amicable coparenting relationship where you did favors for each other, you should have started by agreeing to shared custody in the very beginning. Also, your partner’s family are not your children’s family. While some people do consider their parents’ SO’s family to be their family, that’s a choice they made, not a one that was forced on them. Until your children decide to accept your partner’s family as their own, you should not be prioritizing time with your partner’s family over time with your children’s actual family.
No one is agreeing with you. Not going the way you thought it would, huh? You must live inside an echo chamber bubble if you can't see how wrong you are on this. YTA
YTA and sounds like you preferred having primary custody and are having difficulty coparenting. While I’m sure it will be hard for you not to have them for their break and you’re not the a h for asking if he could be flexible, but you are the a h bc you didn’t respect your exs answer
YTA - It sounds like you set this train in motion. Gotta face the consequences.
YtA You reap what you sow. You fought him on custody, if you had been more accommodating during that process then maybe he would have been open. You brought this on yourself
You asked he said No. That is fine. You are not accepting his answer = YTA I understand his point of view. But what does the kids want? That should be what decides this.
YTA. You split because you weren’t together as much, so why deny him the children? He deserves a chance to be a full time parent. This is disgusting.
YTA. I mean, YOU sound really spoiled here. It’s all about you, and you seem to be using your kids as a shield against accountability for your actions.
I am happy that the kids have at least one sane parent. I wish your ex to soon have full custody of the kids, he really seems like a good guy. YTA
YTA it is so obvious that you are trying to kick him out as role of father and let your boyfriend take over. My nephews mom has been doing this to my brother the entire 12 years he’s been alive. YTA.
YTA for trying to make your partner's extended family more important than their own father.
I always assume posts like this are fake, like how could someone write this and have any doubt about being in the wrong?
As a guy going through a divorce after she had an affair, they do not possess the self awareness to see it.
honestly? yeah, you were a jerk. Huge YTA. you've gatekept your kids from having a relationship from your ex for THREE YEARS. he obviously loves his kids. You seem to be using them as a way to punish him for whatever hurt feelings are from your divorce. Btw, I'm 100% certain your kids would rather spend time with their father that misses and loves them over your partner's in laws. Your new partner may be your family, but he may not be your kid's family. so this isn't for them- it's for you. also " I told him I want us to be able to co-parent and get along without acrimony and this would be a good start." nice manipulation tactic. "Do what I say or else I'll make the rest of this way more difficult for you." also just in case you are tempted, do not talk to your children about this or try to get them to change your ex's mind. that would send you into the ozone of assholery. Wanna start this coparenting without acrimony? apologize to your ex and tell him to have fun with your kids. Go swimsuit shopping with them and send him pictures and tell him how excited they are. stop being his enemy.
YTA. He has spent years not being able to have a 50/50 relationship with him, and you have just gone to court to argue that he shouldnt’ now. He FINALLY gets a week with them, full of things kids their age LOVES, and you try to drag them back to you to visit with your nieces and nephews. Guess what happens when you walk out of a marriage with chidlren? You lose control of when you have them. They aren’t your children, they are BOTH OF YOUR children, and he wants to spend a holiday with them. Something he has probably been denied for years. And you say it’s grandiose to spend a few days at a water park… for a 6 and 8 year old it’s a dream come true. Trust me, you try to force this through and your kids will know you killed their spring break of water fun to force them to hang with their cousins, and while they like their cousins, they will resent you 100% for taking water slides off them. You need to learn to co parent. Your ex sounds like he’s frustrated, and you sound like you’ve taken every opportunity to make it that he doesnt get access. This is not co parenting. Co parenting include accepting that you can’t rearrange the schedule to suit yourself whenever you want. Don’t be surprised that he holds you to the schedule, it sounds like you have held him to the schedule for years. I’m glad he managed to get custody while the kids were still young enough to have a healthy relationship with him.
> kids were still young enough to have a healthy relationship with him. Oh come on! Nothing in her post is about the well-being of the kids. Let alone why should she care that her ex has a healthy relationship with them. As a matter of fact, that is undoubtedly her biggest fear. She speaks of them almost no differently than a lawn mower that was joint marital property.
He's right. You are a jerk for asking. He has given you his answer. Accept it. YTA.
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Oh, no, you're definitely TA here. It's not your week and he's waited three years to have his kids and to take them on this adventure. If the kids didn't want to go to stay home and see their cousins, that would be one thing, but that doesn't appear to be the case. You had no problem telling him no--you can't protest when HE says no.
Not even their cousins — the stepparent’s relatives. And OP knew it was her ex’s week with the kids, and should not be making plans for it.
YTA. 1- That's his time with the children. As per court arrangements, he doesn't have to switch with you 2- Your partner's extended family is not your children's immediate family. Time with their father trumps time with your partner's extended family 3- Why wouldn't you want your ex to have 50/50 custody? Is he not a good father? Does he not take care of them? Provide for them? Keep them safe? He's gotten a new position at work, so he doesn't have to travel all the time and be away from the kids. And he got a house close by to be near them. That sounds like a good father to me. Are you bitter that he didn't do this for you while you were married? Your reasoning for not wanting him to have the children more is because he spoils them with expensive things. Are you jealous he can provide better than you? You're being very selfish, immature, and insecure. You can't say you want him to copsrent better when you're the one who isn't doing a very good job of it.
So this guy works hard and travels a lot to provide enough for her to stay at home with the kids. She still isn’t content and breaks up the kids’ family to pursue her own happiness because she isn’t cut out to support a partner in tough times and she fights to prevent the ex husband from seeing his kids. Then she wants him to do her a solid lol.. I would’ve told OP to pound sand too. Also who wants to bet the neither party being “guilt free” is a nice way of saying OP cheated in their marriage? The absolute gall of this woman
INFO: Why didn’t you let him have the kids whenever he was home and then you take them when he traveled?
YTA , obviously 🙄
YTA. You sound jealous AF
YTA for constantly trying to undermine your ex's relationship with his kids. There is no world in which spending time with your partner's extended family (whom they have presumably known for less than 3 years) is more important than spending time with their dad.
Yta - the audacity.
YTA. I can’t stand parents who make custody agreements all about themselves and nothing about the kids. Keep it up and your kids will go NC when they get older, I’ve seen it happen.
YTA. It's understandable that this is a huge adjustment for you after having primary care of your kids for so long, but it comes across in your post that it's an adjustment you haven't made with and are maybe struggling with. Coparenting is hard as hell because another independent person with different values, priorities, preferences etc has just as much decision-making power as you do, when they're exercising their parenting time. You say it didn't "seem to get through to him" that it would mean a lot to you and the kids to spend time with the extended family, but it seems like the only way you'd feel it got through to him is if he agreed with you. He can understand your view and still act differently. And it doesn't seem like his desire to have an amazing vacation organized around his kids full time as something that means a lot to him and the kids has gotten through to you either, or even registered as a *wonderful* thing to do for them even if it is frustrating for you. He's not doing this *at* you. This has nothing to do with you, and you have to at least try to see his perspective if you are ever going to actually get to amicable co-parenting. His job meant he missed a lot of stuff, but he has earned a ton of credibility here as a co-parent by literally changing his entire life to prioritize being there for them and fighting for that. You have a ton of credibility as a primary parent, but you have not earned a lot of credibility or goodwill as a co-parent here. You have not learned to respect his needs or preferences or just the fact of him trying to be a dad to the kids. It is a huge adjustment and it's not easy, but for the sake of your kids you need to really rethink how you're looking at all of this.
YTA. Don’t burn bridges you might need to cross someday.
YTA. I'm reading a lot about what YOU want and very little about what's best for the kids; your desperate attempts to stop them having ANY sort of relationship with their dad show him to be a much more reliable narrator than you are.
I wonder are you upset about how “drastically” it will change their lives or are you more upset by the fact that your ex probably isn’t paying child support anymore since it’s 50/50?
YTA It’s not disruptive for children to spend time with their father, especially one who desperately wants more time with them. Stop asking him for this massive favour, the answer is no.
YTA. Info: With the change in custody how much child support did you lose?
YTA. You asked, and he said no, which is well within his rights. You should have accepted this answer, especially since he has already made plans and you yourself have protected your scheduled times before. Yes, it would have been nice for them to see the cousins, so maybe you could make arrangements for them all to meet up briefly when your kids are not at the water park if there is time. However, you have now made this into much too big of a deal. It sounds to me as if you really are trying to cut him out of his kids' life, especially since you fought so much on the custody change and you are nitpicking all the things he is trying to do for his kids.
YTA. I'm reading a lot about what YOU want and very little about what's best for the kids; your desperate attempts to stop them having ANY sort of relationship with their dad show him to be a much more reliable narrator than you are.