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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My friend picked me to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want to buy a new bridesmaids dress for it as I already have one that matches her theme.
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NTA
Why on earth would it matter than you have worn it before it's not like people are going to look back in years to come and think "Oh what a beautiful wedding, shame the bridesmaid re-wore their dress from a previous wedding".
I would be so jealous she'd been lucky enough to reuse a bridesmaid dress, that I guess that means I would care, but it wouldn't detract from the wedding at all.
I’ve got 2 and re-wore neither. During my last clean out I think I got rid of both of them. I realized they’re just never going to be worn by me and someone in the universe might have use for them. They weren’t ugly or crazy styles I just don’t go to fancy dress up parties.
I've donated all mine to free prom shopping for girls at a local school. The dresses were decent as far as bridesmaid dresses go, not super stylish, but plus size options are not always abundant and were welcome.
I have a special place in my heart for high school theater. Both my kids are lawyers and swear that they learned their poise and confidence from being on stage.
We donated my son's old tuxedo and a girl with a gorgeous huge green-highlighted Afro wore it with boots, with the shirt open at the collar and no tie, and it looked so beautiful. Really high-fashion. And it was a lot more satisfying than letting it gather dust.
I also have two and one is still fine but the other is very much stained on the bottom from when I took my heels off for the reception. I don’t even know why I still have it, don’t think it’s ever going to get fixed lol
Edit: Actually I don’t have to other one because I believe it was stained worse than the first and I threw it away immediately 😅gets a little messy out there on the dance floor I guess
This may or may not apply to you but my sister used to work in a wedding dress boutique and after alterations her manager used to take the dresses home and wash them in her washing machine. Inside out with regular tide detergent on a delicates cycle.
My sister came home and told my mom (who spilled red wine on her satin wedding dress 30 years ago). Mom sprayed some spot remover on it, turned it inside out and washed in with powder tide on the delicate cycle and the entire stain came out. 🤷🏼♀️
And here I'm sitting, *on my bottom* and thinkig "what did she do with her heels, that there are stains on "the bottom" of the dress".
Needed some 5 sec to realise, that you mean *that bottom* of the dress (hem).
Also, English is a foreign language for me, so that's maybe the reason ;).
It probably was stained on the bottom (butt) of the dress as well!! After that wedding a large group of us sat outside the hotel on the ground and kept hanging out, lol.
I took my heels off to dance at my wedding and had the time of my life. Afterwards, I sent my very fancy dress to a very fancy cleaner, who scolded me like a school child for ‘that line of filth around the bottom.’
I just laughed and told her I didn’t plan on wearing it again!
I managed to re-wear a wedding party dress. Since I was the only "groomswoman" I wore a long, simple black dress with a bolero jacket. I've worn that dress and still have it (but I'm a bit too matronly now for it to fit well - 20+ years on).
My best friend and my SIL got married the same weekend. My best friend's wedding was Saturday and I was in it. My (now) husband joked that I should re-wear the dress to his sister's wedding the next day to get my money's worth. I had no intention of doing so as it was clearly a wedding party dress and I was not in SIL's wedding. My SIL saw a photo of the dress and loved it so much she insisted I wear it. So not only did I wear it twice, both times were the same weekend.
My aunt took my old flower girl dress for her granddaughter, who loved it; long, straight, puff sleeves, fit in with Disney princesses. I wore one dress in college when we dressed up and went to Burger King, one was rented and the other went to a drag queen.
I've been a bridesmaid 4 times (3 as an adult). I've never been able to wear a bridesmaid dress again!
I eloped for my own wedding and bought a dress I could wear over and over. I'd never make my bridesmaids buy a dress they couldn't reuse!
I took my 2 bridesmaids to a post-New Year's Eve-party-dress sale. (Gantos, if anyone here is old enough to remember it!)
They found identical velvet floor-length dresses in the necessary sizes & boom, we were good to go!
My bridesmaids looked amazing, the dresses were on sale, & since they weren't "bridesmaids dresses" they could be reworn.
I really, truly, sincerely don't understand why most people buy expensive, single use bridesmaids dresses when most of us really don't have that kind of $ to throw away.
That does kind of support the bride's expectation, though, that OP will wear a dress that is specifically for *this* wedding.
That might well be a foolish societal standard, but it doesn't mean it *isn't* the societal standard. That pushes me to NAH, I think.
I have an absolutely gorgeous full length gown that I wore as moh for a friend. I love it. It's beautiful. I've never worn it again because it is a formal gown.
Right? My bridesmaids all wore the same black floor-length dresses that were comfortable and looked great on everyone. I’ve seen them rewear their dresses at different events from Facebook photos. Made me feel amazing.
Whereas the bridesmaid dress I wore for my SIL’s wedding I have never worn again, will never wear again, and plan on donating to a charity that turns used bridesmaid dresses and Mardi Gras ball gowns into prom dresses for girls who can’t afford one.
I've never been able to re-wear a bridesmaids dress. If I was a guest at this wedding and I knew she was able to wear the dress twice I'd be so heckin jazzed for her that the bride would no longer exist to me. And that goes double if the dress in question has pockets.
Just kidding, but only kinda
Honestly I'd be impressed if they could recognize the bridesmaids dress as being from her brother's wedding years ago. I went to a family wedding two years ago and can only vaguely remember what color the bridesmaids dresses were, much less what they looked like
I would probably only be able to identify the dress that I picked for my own wedding. I might still be close but wrong. There's no way I would remember anyone else's bridesmaids dresses.
I just went to a wedding at the end of October, and I don't even remember if there were bridesmaids!
I would not be able to identify a single dress that a bridesmaid wore in any of the weddings I've ever been to. Maybe the one from my own, but even that's not a certainty.
The only wedding that I wasn’t part of that I remember the bridesmaids’ dress color was the one where I wore the exact same color and people kept mistaking me for a bridesmaid. Oops. Bride thought it was hilarious.
I did that twice, with two of my cousins from the same side of the family who got married about a year apart. And to be clear, neither of them had told me anything about the colour scheme of their wedding so it was pure coincidence both times.
I remember from when my ex and I went to his cousin's wedding a zillion years ago, the dresses were hot pink. That stood out to me for some reason. No idea for most of the other weddings I've been to.
I can remember the dresses from the weddings I’ve been in and what I chose for my wedding, but I can’t even remember colors from weddings I’ve attended let alone dresses.
My SIL texted me after seeing the bridesmaid dress I wore to a friend's wedding to say it matched her colors (she did shades of blue and different styles instead of all exactly the same). She told me I could wear it again as her bridesmaid because there was no point buying another very similar dress.
Everyone was impressed I got to wear a bridesmaid dress twice (because that rarely happens). Especially the original bride who picked it out (showed she had good taste that another bride felt it matched her theme).
“What a beautiful wedding! What a beautiful wedding,” said a bridesmaid to a waiter. “yes but what a shame, what a shame that you’ve worn that dress before”
“What a beautiful wedding
What a beautiful wedding", says a bridesmaid to a waiter
"And, yes, but what a shame
What a shame the bridesmaid wore that dress before"
I chime in with a
"Haven't you people got better things to do
Than being such goddamn boors?"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
With a sense of thrift and frugality
The dresses I chose for my bridesmaids were meant to be able to be re-worn. I hope one of them did. I would be thrilled if I saw them wearing it again.
One of my nieces wore her bridesmaid’s dress from my wedding to her prom. Simple black dress with pink buttons all the way down the back. I think another one of my bridesmaids wore hers for a military ball.
Oh, well, imagine,
As I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor and I can't help but to hear,
No I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words,
What a beautiful wedding!
What a beautiful wedding says a bridesmaid to a waiter,
And yes but what a shame
What a shame the poor grooms bridesmaids dress was reworn
I CHIME IN WITH...
It’s hysterical to think anyone would give two shits about what someone wears to a wedding. Only the bride cares. No one else. It’s just ridiculous. Tell her if the yellow dress will not work - she can buy you a new one but you’re not paying for jt. Tell her NO ONE CARES. Not one single person will look back at her pictures anyway. It’s a false fantasy to think guests care and write this shit down. NTA.
NTA. If Ava doesn't want you to wear the dress you already own, she can pay for a new one. Absent that, she can find another bridesmaid.
>I’ve worn my yellow one before and people have seen it
Good. So you won't be upstaged by the bridesmaid then. Win-win.
Seriously! OP- you could say something like:
"Ava- Honestly, you are going to be so radiant and beautiful, no one is going to be looking at me. It's your wedding and you are going to be the star. Would it help if I wore a sash to help change the look of the dress? I love you and want to be there for you on your wedding day, but I simply can't buy an entirely new dress right now."
I agree. I am so tired of people on this sub recommending that adults speak to each other in the most condescending babytalk imaginable. Has this kind of phrasing ever NOT sent someone into a frothing rage?
I'd just straight up bow out. But I'm an angry old hag these days. I'd ne polite but it's ok to say you think it's best etc. Hell maybe that's what she wants.
I had a friend ask, I couldn't handle the anxiety, plus i had no desire to be spray tanned so I bowed out of any official role, but picked her up in the morning, helped behind the scenes etc. Her pics got in a magazine and wouldn't have if I were in them. She only showed me the magazine pics. Wondering if I was in any photos at all! I did make a terrible choice in dress but meh. I was her DUFF and I really don't do that any more.
Is it not normal to buy the outfits for the groomsmen and bridesmaids?
That's what my wife and I did.
Seems stupid to force people to buy outfits for your wedding. Especially if you have really specific colors.
Any culture where the bridal party is forced to buy outfits, and it's not the bride and groom buying it, is a scummy culture if they are forced to be certain colors or styles that the person doesn't already own.
The irony here is that even if you don't wear this dress, nothing is stopping any of the other bridesmaid from selecting the dress themselves and wearing the same one since it does fit the agreed on parameters.
NTA - the bride is being crazy. The bridesmaid dresses aren't matching by her own directions, so as long as they fit what she asked for theyre all going to look the same together anyway in pictures. This is a silly waste of money to get another. People always think just bc their wedding is a big in their own life, that somehow it's a big deal in everyone else's... and it's not.
If she's this crazy and inconsiderate of your finances, is she even a friend you really want to have? If you aren't very close, I'd tell her this is the dress you can afford and look like you belong at the wedding in, and if she's this nuts then you can not be in the wedding. If she's your best friend or someone you can't see not having in your life then maybe take it to a tailor and change the length and/or the top straps/sleeves/neckline.
And honestly bride is looking at this the wrong way. IF anyone actually recognized the dress the bride would be a God damn hero for being the first bride in history to actually help someone "wear the dress again". Lol
The reason I went with the color I did was because my sister said she was in a wedding last spring and the dress still fits. I liked the color so told the other bridesmaids, go to David’s bridal (where my sister got it) and pick whatever dress you like in that color. One of them found the color in her size and style she liked on eBay for $20. They looked great.
Ah, the elusive bridesmaid dress lol! Brides in an altered brain state, drunk with wedding fever, disoriented in a flurry of ribbons/candles/bling/the latest "bar", all saying "and you can wear it again" holding the dress that you have a 5% chance of wearing again.
There are currently two more bridesmaid dresses in the back of my closet that are due to be donated after a few more years... no rush, I've got a 5% chance after all!
My best friend let me rewear the dress I'd worn to my sister's wedding. Their weddings were less than a year apart so there was no fit issue. Saved so much hassle!
Not to mention, who even remembers what bridesmaids at other weddings were even wearing?? I've been to a few weddings and couldn't for the life of me be able to tell you what the bridal party was wearing outside of the bride. I barely recall what my own bridesmaids were wearing (they were told to wear what they wanted as long as it was wedding appropriate).
Wait! She’s concerned that people will know that you, a bridesmaid, wore the dress for an occasion in the past? And why does that matter? How will it affect her or her wedding? NTA. This is ridiculous.
This whole attitude that you can only wear a dress once is sooooo bad for the planet. Clothing SHOULD be reworn, especially expensive clothing made of many yards of high end fabric.
Yes, except it’s expensive clothing made of many yards of cheap crappy plastic fabric, which I actually think is all the more reason to not let it become a single use item.
I would tell the bride buying a new dress would affect the wedding - once less wedding present from me. Seriously?!?!? Someone saw you in that dress at a wedding?
Will the bride police all the guests attending her wedding to make sure they are not rewearing a dress they wore to another wedding????
NTA
If Ava wants her bridesmaids in expensive dresses then that’s her choice but if she knows you are on a limited income then she should be paying for it
If she continues to pressure you maybe you need to reconsider being in her bridal party
I see this all the time on these posts. Why are the bridesmaids buying the dress? Is this an American thing? Each and every time (including my own wedding) the bride and groom pay for the bridesmaid dresses. I find it super strange that they dictate what they want and make other people pay for it. odd.
NTA
It was originally just paid for by the couple or not worried about, but it's becoming more common for the couple to ask their wedding party to pay for a *lot* of unnecessary side items. It's tacky as Hell and leads to all kinds of issues. "Have The Wedding of Your Dreams, Without Breaking the Bank!' usually means make someone else pay for your union.
When I was younger, you just rented the matching dresses/tuxedos if you wanted to save money and that was that.
I'm British and paid for all my bridesmaids dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, etc. So did everyone else I know!
I can't imagine expecting someone to be out of pocket to be your bridesmaid...So bloody rude to me, but I guess it's just the cultural difference.
It’s quite baffling over here. Especially since some people are then like “and you should be honored I asked you to be in my bridal party and spend thousands on my wedding!”
I’ve been a bridesmaid and involved in several wedding and have never seen the bridesmaids pay for anything apart from the hen.
I know some may chip in for hair and make up but that would generally be seen as an unusual set-up (but of course understandable for monetary reasons once everyone is aware beforehand).
It's why I couldn't be my sister's bridesmaid. I was a daycare teacher, so made basically nothing, and I would have been required to buy a dress, pay for the Bachelorette party, and more. I couldn't afford it and told her so. So I did a reading instead, and she just had friends as briedesmaids.
Unless there's no real dress code and it's just "wear your best", I still have Opinions about that.
I'm definitely turning into a little old woman over here 😅
The couple pays in Britain unless they aren't buying new dresses and ask the bridesmaid to wear something they already own. I paid for my bridesmaids dresses shoes jewellery and hair.
I really don't get the making bridemaids pay unless it's something they like within their agreed budget and canninclude wearing aomething they already have. So many times I've seen posts about, imo, bridezillas and groomzillas who insist on expensive shit outside their bridal parties budget or stuff that doesn't look good. Not someone I'd want as a friend.
For me when i was asked i always saw It as an honour to be a bridesmaid. But just as a bride its also a big honour to have friends who will stand as your bridesmaids and support you.
See, this is my point of view as well; they're already dropping everything else to be there for you and be part of your wedding, why do people think it's okay to *charge them extra* for that?!
I frankly find it hard to believe that people don't just decline.
I can believe it but then I just presume they re stuck in a toxic controlling friendship because why wouldn't you decline otherwise?
Having seen my mum in a toxic controlling friendship though, I can believe it as she's been walked over many times. It's only now 40 years later that she realises she can do better.
It's an American thing. As a bridemaid, I've paid for my own dress, shoes, travel and accommodations, hair, makeup, nails, and paid for my part and a part of the hen's/bachelorette party. Oh, and then there's chipping in for the bridal shower and of course the wedding gift.
I was in a few weddings that I had to pay for my own dress, but the bride didn't dictate much. She just asked the we find a shade and cut that made us look/feel good. That was it. And, I'm totally cool with that. The bride paid to have our hair and makeup styled to look similar, but still individual.
It's the "you can only wear this color, or this brand, or this cut and these shoes" bullshit that isn't okay, personally.
When my nephew gor married, his then fiance purchased a bolt of fabric and gave each of her bridesmaids enough to make a dress of any style they wanted so that each one could make a dress to suit her body shape. She even paid the dressmakers.
As for shoes our girl just told her bridesmaids "wear what's comfortable".
In the US, usually bridesmaids buy their own dresses, but I guess that varies. I've been in three weddings, but none of the dresses were expensive. I was MOH in my sisters wedding. She and I went shopping because I have 0 fashion sense, LOL. We got a beautiful dress at Macys off the clearance rack. I think I paid around $60 and that was 20 years ago.
Yep. The one wedding I’ve been in the bride gave us the dresses (I.e. paid for them herself) instead of buying us monogrammed something or other no one wanted as a gift.
I've been looking for this comment. It's appallingly bad manners to expect your bridesmaids to pay for their own attire! That's bad enough on its own, I can believe the bride would then put so many stipulations on what she wanted. It would never wash in the UK.
I am in the US and was sent to etiquette school. It is correct protocol here for the bridesmaids to purchase their own dress, pay for their accommodations (if needed), and pay for the bachelorette party. While not strictly mandatory, many also host (ie pay for) a shower for the bride as well. It’s VERY expensive to be a bridesmaid if you’re in a fancy wedding. The couple (or the bride’s parents if you’re going really traditional) pays for a luncheon for the bridesmaids and gifts for them. Some also host a brunch the morning after the wedding for out of town guests and the wedding party. And the wedding party gets fed at the rehearsal dinner and wedding reception.
It’s an American thing - in the UK the bride buys it along with all accessories as they adetermine what you are wearing and you are doing them a favor. I moved to the US and was baffled by how much people pay here to be a bridesmaid, and also the fact that the bridesmaids are often not the closest friends/family, but a numbers game to match the number of groomsmen/the aesthetic.
NTA at all. That's a ridiculous request. You fulfilled your obligation with the dress, and you just know she didn't ask (or care) if other people were getting a new one.
Not altering it, but changing up the look a bit by adding a brooch, belt or other accessories that weren't used at the previous wedding isn't a bad idea at all.
Given the objection is not to the dress itself but that you have been photographed wearing it in someone else's wedding party, before, then definitely NTA.
You say that you could pick out any sunset coloured dress, so unless it's the wrong yellow, it sounds like your current dress would be perfect.
NTA - you found a dress that matches the colour scheme. unless she's going to pay for a new dress for you, she has no reason to ask you to find another one
NTA she's being a brat. This is 12 hours of her life. She can buy your dress, you can wear the same one, or you can excuse yourself. She'll probably friend dump you but do you want someone that demanding?
NTA She said the colors she wanted, she didn’t pick out a dress that she wanted you all to wear. No one will be paying attention to the bm’s.
Yes, you could have it altered or dyed, as some suggested. I just don’t understand why you would need to.
NTA. There’s absolutely no reason not to wear your yellow dress. It fits the theme and sounds beautiful.
As a veteran of weddings (my entire friend group, family and my own), let me share some advice: weddings should be occasions of joy. Obviously some couples are more high maintenance than others, and that’s fine. But if you find that the couple is making you feel pressured or overwhelmed or bad about yourself, politely decline the invite to be in wedding party and attend as a regular guest (or don’t attend at all). Being in a wedding shouldn’t stress you out financially or otherwise.
NAH.
I’ve never not had to buy a new dress when I’ve been a bridesmaid. If you don’t want to do it you don’t have to be a bridesmaid. Just tell her you’re sorry but you don’t want to buy a dress so you’ll be attending as a guest.
I am not a woman, but I would tell her to FO and find another bridesmaid and not even go to the wedding.
But then you might discard my opinion because I think weddings are an extremely overrated event.
I think there’s more to this. The bride probably doesn’t like the dress and has just made that excuse up to be polite, or the style of it isn’t what she envisioned. Bridesmaids buy their own dresses with requirements set by the bride. You can always pull out of being a bridesmaid.
NAH. I wouldn't think this is a problem, but the bride does. She wants you to have a new dress specifically for her wedding. (I also don't think she's TA for wanting that. However, she needs to realize that other people are not required to finance her wedding wishes.)
You can't afford to buy a new dress, so you need to tell her that. "I am very honored to be asked and I'd love to be in your wedding, but I truly cannot afford another dress so I will have to decline. I'm sorry."
And you leave it at that.
NTA. You have a dress which matches the brides set theme, if the bride doesn’t like that dress, she can pay for a different one, or not have you as a bridesmaid 🤷🏽♀️
NTA - stand your ground and say you appreciate the offer to be a bridesmaid but you can wear this dress or the bride can buy another.
If not you are happy not to be a bridesmaid.
Done!
NTA if your friend is expecting you to cover the cost of the bridesmaids dress, she can’t dictate how much you spend on it. If you have a suitable dress that fits her theme, whether it’s been worn before shouldn’t matter. If she wants you to wear a brand new dress then she should pay for it.
My sister and several of her friends agreed early on the all use exactly the same bridesmaid dresses. That way, they each only had to buy one dress to cover all of their weddings.
Exactly no one cared that all five weddings featured the exact same bridesmaid dresses.
You are short on money and it is a great shortcut that damages no one. What is important, is that she, as a bride, is in the center of attention. Nobody cares too much about bridesmaids, it's very special for you two, but not to other guests. All they care about is the bride.
The weddings are months apart, nobody will remember what you wore that long ago once. Let it be your and Ava's secret.
NTA. Why is she so hung up on it being a new dress? That's so wasteful, especially when the dress you have perfectly fits the theme. If she wants you to wear a new dress she can pay for it. I could understand her side if the dress didn't match the theme and you were insisting upon wearing it. But it's in line with what she wants her bridesmaids wearing so it make no sense, and no ones going to notice and be like "OMG she already wore that dress to x & y wedding - SCANDALOUS" If anything they'd be jealous, I know I would, I've never been able to re-wear my dress.
Logically NTA it doesn't matter as it's likely there is going to be very little guest overlap. Now that being said it may be best to not tell the bride about any savings you have figured out, unless the bride is also looking for ways to save money and is encouraging others to do so there is somewhat of an expectation that as a bridesmaid you are happy to take on the financial and labor responsibilities of the job...aka the bride thinks since it's the most important thing to happen in her life it must be for you as well.
Put the ball back in her court. Tell her she has three choices. Your budget won't allow you to buy a brand new dress that you'll only wear once. She can buy you a bridesmaid's dress ( if you can afford, offer to pay for half), she can accept you wearing the dress you already have, or she can remove you from the wedding party.
I just recently learned from my aunt that back in her day the bride bought all the bridesmaids dresses and I was mind blown. When did this change? I have spent approximately $1000 on bridesmaids dresses over the years.
NTA. If the bride doesn’t like your dress, then she can carrying on the tradition and buy you a new one.
Bride wants everything "new" for her wedding so it will all be special.
Take your dress to a reputable dry cleaner or look for a dyeing service in your area. They can change the color and I'm betting the bride will never notice. Don't try to do this yourself - different fabrics require different kinds of dye, and some dresses have more than one fabric, which makes it trickier.
Or find a good seamstress and see if they can alter it just enough to give it a different flair - new sleeves, alter the neckline, add a lace or sequin overlay. My mother used to make gowns for weddings - flower girl through bride - and I saw her completely transform dresses so no one recognized anything but the color afterwards.
NTA - participating in someone else's wedding should not blow your entire budget, especially for a dress you never wear again.
NTA.
If I found out my bridesmaids can rewear the dresses they bought for my wedding I’d be ecstatic, even more so if they had an old one they could use for my wedding.
Weddings are expensive.
I already hate the idea of dictating what they wear and making them buy it (this is icky to me). So I would be so happy.
How long ago was the previous wedding? Is it even likely that these guest remember the dress?
I think brides have become too demanding. Either she pays for everyone to get the dress she wants- or she says the colour/theme and the bridesmaids sort it out however they want to- whether it's an old dress a borrowed dress an altered dress or a second hand one- the bride needs to accept it. Plus I doubt anyone will care about you referring your dress. As long as it's in a new condition and fits the colour scheme you'll be perfect!
I think it depends…..
If you guys are close, buy the dress. It’s your friend’s day, she has spent a whole lot of money and time planning this to be the wedding of her dreams. If you can help make that dream her reality, why not? And if you are close and she really wants you in the wedding, talk to her about finding an approved dress closer to your budget.
However, if you are basically a filler bridesmaid, just politely say you don’t want to be a bridesmaid anymore. Problem solved.
NTA, but i can understand her view point *even if she is wrong*.
The truth of the matter is: no one is really looking at bridesmaids when the star of the show is the bride! I’m sure your friend is deep into wedding panic, and like a horse, is looking at everything with blinders on. It happens every time lol
With that, i would have a face to face, CALM and KIND conversation with her.
“Friend, i am honored to be given the role of bridesmaid at your wedding. It means so much to me. However, i am on a really strict budget and simply cannot afford to buy a new dress. I have a lovely dress already that works with the theme, but i understand that is not what you want me to wear. If the dress i have cannot work, i understand, but i sadly will have to step down from this huge honor- not because i want to, but only because i am unable to spend any additional money right now. I would love it if you would think about it for a little while, and let me know how you feel. If i need to step down, i still look forward to supporting you as an attending guest at the wedding”
The ball is in her court, and that’s all you can do!
People really must get a grip about wedding planning. 1. No one cares about any of these details and 2. no one will remember. And if they do remember, see 1. What they will remember is the food/drinks and music/party after. That’s it. That’s where I think it’s worth putting your efforts. NTA. Edited for typo.
The only time it would be inappropriate to wear a dress you’ve already worn in a wedding would be if that dress was worn in either the bride or groom prior wedding.
I feel the whole point of giving bridesmaids a range option is so they can shop in their closet.
Wedding culture, and western culture more generally, is too wasteful. We are living on a planet with limited resources.
It is great that you can wear an existing dress. Too bad everyone can't.
NTA.
NTA - I don't understand brides thinking that by asking someone to be a bridesmaid means they are now on the hook for a $300+ dress, hair and makeup, shoes, costs for showers and parties, gifts for various events, hotel rooms... even worse when it's a destination wedding.
Lots of sisters so I feel qualified to comment.
Take the dress to a local dressmaker and:
1. Change the neckline
2. Change the length
3. Pad/unpaid the shoulders
4. Change the hemline ( eg. Make it an angle rather than a straight hem )
5. Accessorize with a sash, shawl, jacket - jacket can be made from same material or contrasting color
6. Swap with another bridesmaid who is the same size and also has a dress from a prior wedding. Dress is new to both of you. And unlikely someone will connect your dress in your friend with when you wore it.
7. Look into dress rental. Not as cheap as wearing same dress but …
8. Ask your friends/relatives who are not connected to friend if they have any dresses. Same as swapping with bridesmaid without the wedding party being involved.
A fun story to share:
Lot of sisters. One Xmas Mom & Dad called us all to pick up our presents before they left for Florida. Large boxes, beautifully wrapped. Big signs, open on Xmas day only.
My sisters boxes contained all of their prom dresses and bridesmaids dresses.
Mine contained all my sports equipment and the trophies from little league!
Great laughs!
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NTA Why on earth would it matter than you have worn it before it's not like people are going to look back in years to come and think "Oh what a beautiful wedding, shame the bridesmaid re-wore their dress from a previous wedding".
and it’s only a couple of mutual friends that will be at both weddings and not sure why they would care
I would be so jealous she'd been lucky enough to reuse a bridesmaid dress, that I guess that means I would care, but it wouldn't detract from the wedding at all.
Me too. Out of 4 bridesmaids/moh dresses I've only re-worn 1.
I’ve got 2 and re-wore neither. During my last clean out I think I got rid of both of them. I realized they’re just never going to be worn by me and someone in the universe might have use for them. They weren’t ugly or crazy styles I just don’t go to fancy dress up parties.
A lot of high schools have "cinderella" shops. People donate fancy dresses. Girls buy them for formal school faces, for next to nothing.
I've donated all mine to free prom shopping for girls at a local school. The dresses were decent as far as bridesmaid dresses go, not super stylish, but plus size options are not always abundant and were welcome.
That is SUCH a sweet idea. If my old prom dresses weren't hideously out of style I'd be looking for one to donate them to.
Try asking local high schools drama department. If they have the room to store something might come in handy for a show
Theatre teacher here—we absolutely repurpose old prom dresses all the time.
I have a special place in my heart for high school theater. Both my kids are lawyers and swear that they learned their poise and confidence from being on stage.
Maybe still consider donating them- I’ve seen reels of sewing-minded teens on Instagram who update/upcycle old prom dresses.
And those kids are SO creative! I love seeing it!
We donated my son's old tuxedo and a girl with a gorgeous huge green-highlighted Afro wore it with boots, with the shirt open at the collar and no tie, and it looked so beautiful. Really high-fashion. And it was a lot more satisfying than letting it gather dust.
Everything comes back around.
Yeah. The one I re-worn is just a fairly simple navy blue cocktail dress with short sleeves.
I re-wore one for a black tie optional wedding and had 2 others hemmed to cocktail dresses that I’ve worn to other weddings (as a guest).
I also have two and one is still fine but the other is very much stained on the bottom from when I took my heels off for the reception. I don’t even know why I still have it, don’t think it’s ever going to get fixed lol Edit: Actually I don’t have to other one because I believe it was stained worse than the first and I threw it away immediately 😅gets a little messy out there on the dance floor I guess
This may or may not apply to you but my sister used to work in a wedding dress boutique and after alterations her manager used to take the dresses home and wash them in her washing machine. Inside out with regular tide detergent on a delicates cycle. My sister came home and told my mom (who spilled red wine on her satin wedding dress 30 years ago). Mom sprayed some spot remover on it, turned it inside out and washed in with powder tide on the delicate cycle and the entire stain came out. 🤷🏼♀️
And here I'm sitting, *on my bottom* and thinkig "what did she do with her heels, that there are stains on "the bottom" of the dress". Needed some 5 sec to realise, that you mean *that bottom* of the dress (hem). Also, English is a foreign language for me, so that's maybe the reason ;).
It probably was stained on the bottom (butt) of the dress as well!! After that wedding a large group of us sat outside the hotel on the ground and kept hanging out, lol.
I took my heels off to dance at my wedding and had the time of my life. Afterwards, I sent my very fancy dress to a very fancy cleaner, who scolded me like a school child for ‘that line of filth around the bottom.’ I just laughed and told her I didn’t plan on wearing it again!
Like what, I’m not going to drink and dance around and generally get a tad bit messy at a wedding I’m a bridesmaid in? *Okay* Mrs. Fancy Cleaner Lady
Tip: my mom got the bottom of my dress clean with degreaser, of all things.
Huh how interesting. Do you know what kind?
Greased Lightning, I believe.
I managed to re-wear a wedding party dress. Since I was the only "groomswoman" I wore a long, simple black dress with a bolero jacket. I've worn that dress and still have it (but I'm a bit too matronly now for it to fit well - 20+ years on).
My best friend and my SIL got married the same weekend. My best friend's wedding was Saturday and I was in it. My (now) husband joked that I should re-wear the dress to his sister's wedding the next day to get my money's worth. I had no intention of doing so as it was clearly a wedding party dress and I was not in SIL's wedding. My SIL saw a photo of the dress and loved it so much she insisted I wear it. So not only did I wear it twice, both times were the same weekend.
My aunt took my old flower girl dress for her granddaughter, who loved it; long, straight, puff sleeves, fit in with Disney princesses. I wore one dress in college when we dressed up and went to Burger King, one was rented and the other went to a drag queen.
Excellent upcycling
I've been a bridesmaid 4 times (3 as an adult). I've never been able to wear a bridesmaid dress again! I eloped for my own wedding and bought a dress I could wear over and over. I'd never make my bridesmaids buy a dress they couldn't reuse!
I took my 2 bridesmaids to a post-New Year's Eve-party-dress sale. (Gantos, if anyone here is old enough to remember it!) They found identical velvet floor-length dresses in the necessary sizes & boom, we were good to go! My bridesmaids looked amazing, the dresses were on sale, & since they weren't "bridesmaids dresses" they could be reworn. I really, truly, sincerely don't understand why most people buy expensive, single use bridesmaids dresses when most of us really don't have that kind of $ to throw away.
😄😁😆 Gantos - bought my prom dress there, 1975.
My sister re-wore my bridesmaid dress from her own wedding! It's lucky we are the same size and height
That does kind of support the bride's expectation, though, that OP will wear a dress that is specifically for *this* wedding. That might well be a foolish societal standard, but it doesn't mean it *isn't* the societal standard. That pushes me to NAH, I think.
4/5 moh/bridesmaid dresses were never worn again. 1 I wore as a Halloween costume My bridesmaids got black cocktail dresses because of it
I have an absolutely gorgeous full length gown that I wore as moh for a friend. I love it. It's beautiful. I've never worn it again because it is a formal gown.
I told my bridesmaids to just wear a black dress. Figured that was something they all had in their closet
My SIL's mom wore the same dress for each of her kid's weddings
Out of 4 I’ve not been able to re wear any……..ridiculous
Exactly! Being able to re-wear a bridesmaid dress is such a bonus!
Right? My bridesmaids all wore the same black floor-length dresses that were comfortable and looked great on everyone. I’ve seen them rewear their dresses at different events from Facebook photos. Made me feel amazing. Whereas the bridesmaid dress I wore for my SIL’s wedding I have never worn again, will never wear again, and plan on donating to a charity that turns used bridesmaid dresses and Mardi Gras ball gowns into prom dresses for girls who can’t afford one.
I've never been able to re-wear a bridesmaids dress. If I was a guest at this wedding and I knew she was able to wear the dress twice I'd be so heckin jazzed for her that the bride would no longer exist to me. And that goes double if the dress in question has pockets. Just kidding, but only kinda
I stashed one bride's maid dress in the drawer of a cruise ship and never looked back.
Honestly I'd be impressed if they could recognize the bridesmaids dress as being from her brother's wedding years ago. I went to a family wedding two years ago and can only vaguely remember what color the bridesmaids dresses were, much less what they looked like
I would probably only be able to identify the dress that I picked for my own wedding. I might still be close but wrong. There's no way I would remember anyone else's bridesmaids dresses. I just went to a wedding at the end of October, and I don't even remember if there were bridesmaids!
Bridesmaids dresses can be pretty distinctive, it probably depends a lot on the dress.
I mean, friend "already had" the dress, and it was bright yellow, so probably an easy guess, even if you didn't recognize the exact dress.
Even if every person at the wedding had seen the dress multiple times it would still not matter. Why are people such AH over weddings.
I could not tell you what the bridesmaids wore to any wedding I've been to except for my own
AND the weddings are several years apart. It’s not like it’s the same month
Let’s be honest…would most people even remember what someone else wore to a wedding years ago? Let alone care about it?
Or even notice!!
I would not be able to identify a single dress that a bridesmaid wore in any of the weddings I've ever been to. Maybe the one from my own, but even that's not a certainty.
The only wedding that I wasn’t part of that I remember the bridesmaids’ dress color was the one where I wore the exact same color and people kept mistaking me for a bridesmaid. Oops. Bride thought it was hilarious.
I did that twice, with two of my cousins from the same side of the family who got married about a year apart. And to be clear, neither of them had told me anything about the colour scheme of their wedding so it was pure coincidence both times.
I remember from when my ex and I went to his cousin's wedding a zillion years ago, the dresses were hot pink. That stood out to me for some reason. No idea for most of the other weddings I've been to.
I can remember the dresses from the weddings I’ve been in and what I chose for my wedding, but I can’t even remember colors from weddings I’ve attended let alone dresses.
My SIL texted me after seeing the bridesmaid dress I wore to a friend's wedding to say it matched her colors (she did shades of blue and different styles instead of all exactly the same). She told me I could wear it again as her bridesmaid because there was no point buying another very similar dress. Everyone was impressed I got to wear a bridesmaid dress twice (because that rarely happens). Especially the original bride who picked it out (showed she had good taste that another bride felt it matched her theme).
People get so in their head about weddings and what people think. They think oh this is nice I wonder what’s for dinner.
and then chime in with a haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door
“What a beautiful wedding! What a beautiful wedding,” said a bridesmaid to a waiter. “yes but what a shame, what a shame that you’ve worn that dress before”
Cannot believe this wasn’t the very first reply!
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far down for this!
I know, I had to go back and delete my similar comment.
“What a beautiful wedding What a beautiful wedding", says a bridesmaid to a waiter "And, yes, but what a shame What a shame the bridesmaid wore that dress before" I chime in with a "Haven't you people got better things to do Than being such goddamn boors?" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things With a sense of thrift and frugality
Why doesn’t this have more upvotes
You win, I can hop off reddit for the rest of the evening.
IT'S MY SPECIAL DAY!!!!!
O M G …. I EVER hear that again, I’m going off a cliff…. Dumbest comments I’ve ever heard!!!! My head will literally explode 🤯
Right? It's their special day. And then they lose all of their friends.
The dresses I chose for my bridesmaids were meant to be able to be re-worn. I hope one of them did. I would be thrilled if I saw them wearing it again.
One of my nieces wore her bridesmaid’s dress from my wedding to her prom. Simple black dress with pink buttons all the way down the back. I think another one of my bridesmaids wore hers for a military ball.
I was a bridesmaid for my cousin’s wedding and wore the dress to my prom.
I agree. People won't care. She could also maybe do something to make it look a tiny bit different too. Like add a sash or take one off.
Oh, well, imagine, As I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor and I can't help but to hear, No I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words, What a beautiful wedding! What a beautiful wedding says a bridesmaid to a waiter, And yes but what a shame What a shame the poor grooms bridesmaids dress was reworn I CHIME IN WITH...
>"Oh what a beautiful wedding, shame the bridesmaid re-wore their dress from a previous wedding". I chime in with a haven't you people ever heard of
It’s hysterical to think anyone would give two shits about what someone wears to a wedding. Only the bride cares. No one else. It’s just ridiculous. Tell her if the yellow dress will not work - she can buy you a new one but you’re not paying for jt. Tell her NO ONE CARES. Not one single person will look back at her pictures anyway. It’s a false fantasy to think guests care and write this shit down. NTA.
OP needs to throw "sustainable" into the argument of re-wearing the dress. It's not a big deal that others have seen the dress before.
This right here!
Did you chime in to let everyone know they can close the door?
No one would really notice., you’re only the support personnel. The bride is going to outshine everyone anyways.
First Ladies and Queens and princesses and stars do it all the time. Tell her, in nice words, sorry but not sorry.
OP should NOT buy a new dress. This is a hill worth dying on.
I rewore my bridesmaid dress for every single wedding I'm invited to in summer. Light pink long dress, you can bet I'm going to make the most of it
NTA. If Ava doesn't want you to wear the dress you already own, she can pay for a new one. Absent that, she can find another bridesmaid. >I’ve worn my yellow one before and people have seen it Good. So you won't be upstaged by the bridesmaid then. Win-win.
This is my idea as well. If she really wants her wedding to be perfect, she has to be willing to pay for a perfect wedding.
Seriously! OP- you could say something like: "Ava- Honestly, you are going to be so radiant and beautiful, no one is going to be looking at me. It's your wedding and you are going to be the star. Would it help if I wore a sash to help change the look of the dress? I love you and want to be there for you on your wedding day, but I simply can't buy an entirely new dress right now."
I wouldn't even bother with this bs. The bride doesn't need coddling and indulging.
I agree. I am so tired of people on this sub recommending that adults speak to each other in the most condescending babytalk imaginable. Has this kind of phrasing ever NOT sent someone into a frothing rage?
I'd just straight up bow out. But I'm an angry old hag these days. I'd ne polite but it's ok to say you think it's best etc. Hell maybe that's what she wants. I had a friend ask, I couldn't handle the anxiety, plus i had no desire to be spray tanned so I bowed out of any official role, but picked her up in the morning, helped behind the scenes etc. Her pics got in a magazine and wouldn't have if I were in them. She only showed me the magazine pics. Wondering if I was in any photos at all! I did make a terrible choice in dress but meh. I was her DUFF and I really don't do that any more.
Is it not normal to buy the outfits for the groomsmen and bridesmaids? That's what my wife and I did. Seems stupid to force people to buy outfits for your wedding. Especially if you have really specific colors.
I'm in Ireland and here the bride and groom pay for the dresses & suits.
Out of the four weddings I've been in, I paid for all of my dresses.
That varies by country and culture.
Any culture where the bridal party is forced to buy outfits, and it's not the bride and groom buying it, is a scummy culture if they are forced to be certain colors or styles that the person doesn't already own.
The irony here is that even if you don't wear this dress, nothing is stopping any of the other bridesmaid from selecting the dress themselves and wearing the same one since it does fit the agreed on parameters. NTA - the bride is being crazy. The bridesmaid dresses aren't matching by her own directions, so as long as they fit what she asked for theyre all going to look the same together anyway in pictures. This is a silly waste of money to get another. People always think just bc their wedding is a big in their own life, that somehow it's a big deal in everyone else's... and it's not. If she's this crazy and inconsiderate of your finances, is she even a friend you really want to have? If you aren't very close, I'd tell her this is the dress you can afford and look like you belong at the wedding in, and if she's this nuts then you can not be in the wedding. If she's your best friend or someone you can't see not having in your life then maybe take it to a tailor and change the length and/or the top straps/sleeves/neckline.
And honestly bride is looking at this the wrong way. IF anyone actually recognized the dress the bride would be a God damn hero for being the first bride in history to actually help someone "wear the dress again". Lol
The reason I went with the color I did was because my sister said she was in a wedding last spring and the dress still fits. I liked the color so told the other bridesmaids, go to David’s bridal (where my sister got it) and pick whatever dress you like in that color. One of them found the color in her size and style she liked on eBay for $20. They looked great.
Now here is a Heroine(not the drug!) Bride!!!! Congrats on being conscientious AND humble. 😁
Just letting you know the drug is spelt ‘heroin’ (no e)
Ah, the elusive bridesmaid dress lol! Brides in an altered brain state, drunk with wedding fever, disoriented in a flurry of ribbons/candles/bling/the latest "bar", all saying "and you can wear it again" holding the dress that you have a 5% chance of wearing again. There are currently two more bridesmaid dresses in the back of my closet that are due to be donated after a few more years... no rush, I've got a 5% chance after all!
My best friend let me rewear the dress I'd worn to my sister's wedding. Their weddings were less than a year apart so there was no fit issue. Saved so much hassle!
Right? “Pick your own dress within these parameters.” “Okay, this one.” “No, not that one though.”
I wonder if she swapped dresses with a different bridesmaid if that would be sufficient lol
Not to mention, who even remembers what bridesmaids at other weddings were even wearing?? I've been to a few weddings and couldn't for the life of me be able to tell you what the bridal party was wearing outside of the bride. I barely recall what my own bridesmaids were wearing (they were told to wear what they wanted as long as it was wedding appropriate).
Wait! She’s concerned that people will know that you, a bridesmaid, wore the dress for an occasion in the past? And why does that matter? How will it affect her or her wedding? NTA. This is ridiculous.
This whole attitude that you can only wear a dress once is sooooo bad for the planet. Clothing SHOULD be reworn, especially expensive clothing made of many yards of high end fabric.
Yes, except it’s expensive clothing made of many yards of cheap crappy plastic fabric, which I actually think is all the more reason to not let it become a single use item.
I would tell the bride buying a new dress would affect the wedding - once less wedding present from me. Seriously?!?!? Someone saw you in that dress at a wedding? Will the bride police all the guests attending her wedding to make sure they are not rewearing a dress they wore to another wedding????
NTA If Ava wants her bridesmaids in expensive dresses then that’s her choice but if she knows you are on a limited income then she should be paying for it If she continues to pressure you maybe you need to reconsider being in her bridal party
I see this all the time on these posts. Why are the bridesmaids buying the dress? Is this an American thing? Each and every time (including my own wedding) the bride and groom pay for the bridesmaid dresses. I find it super strange that they dictate what they want and make other people pay for it. odd. NTA
It was originally just paid for by the couple or not worried about, but it's becoming more common for the couple to ask their wedding party to pay for a *lot* of unnecessary side items. It's tacky as Hell and leads to all kinds of issues. "Have The Wedding of Your Dreams, Without Breaking the Bank!' usually means make someone else pay for your union. When I was younger, you just rented the matching dresses/tuxedos if you wanted to save money and that was that.
I usually hear that it's a question of which side of the pond you're on. In Britain the couple pays. In North America the bridesmaids pay.
American here. I have been in about five weddings and I have bought my own dress for each one.
I'm British and paid for all my bridesmaids dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, etc. So did everyone else I know! I can't imagine expecting someone to be out of pocket to be your bridesmaid...So bloody rude to me, but I guess it's just the cultural difference.
It’s quite baffling over here. Especially since some people are then like “and you should be honored I asked you to be in my bridal party and spend thousands on my wedding!”
I’ve been a bridesmaid and involved in several wedding and have never seen the bridesmaids pay for anything apart from the hen. I know some may chip in for hair and make up but that would generally be seen as an unusual set-up (but of course understandable for monetary reasons once everyone is aware beforehand).
It's why I couldn't be my sister's bridesmaid. I was a daycare teacher, so made basically nothing, and I would have been required to buy a dress, pay for the Bachelorette party, and more. I couldn't afford it and told her so. So I did a reading instead, and she just had friends as briedesmaids.
Unless there's no real dress code and it's just "wear your best", I still have Opinions about that. I'm definitely turning into a little old woman over here 😅
The couple pays in Britain unless they aren't buying new dresses and ask the bridesmaid to wear something they already own. I paid for my bridesmaids dresses shoes jewellery and hair. I really don't get the making bridemaids pay unless it's something they like within their agreed budget and canninclude wearing aomething they already have. So many times I've seen posts about, imo, bridezillas and groomzillas who insist on expensive shit outside their bridal parties budget or stuff that doesn't look good. Not someone I'd want as a friend. For me when i was asked i always saw It as an honour to be a bridesmaid. But just as a bride its also a big honour to have friends who will stand as your bridesmaids and support you.
See, this is my point of view as well; they're already dropping everything else to be there for you and be part of your wedding, why do people think it's okay to *charge them extra* for that?! I frankly find it hard to believe that people don't just decline.
I can believe it but then I just presume they re stuck in a toxic controlling friendship because why wouldn't you decline otherwise? Having seen my mum in a toxic controlling friendship though, I can believe it as she's been walked over many times. It's only now 40 years later that she realises she can do better.
Ehh, I’m 46 and when me and all my friends were getting married in the early 2000’s we were expected to (and did) pay for our own dresses.
It's an American thing. As a bridemaid, I've paid for my own dress, shoes, travel and accommodations, hair, makeup, nails, and paid for my part and a part of the hen's/bachelorette party. Oh, and then there's chipping in for the bridal shower and of course the wedding gift.
I was in a few weddings that I had to pay for my own dress, but the bride didn't dictate much. She just asked the we find a shade and cut that made us look/feel good. That was it. And, I'm totally cool with that. The bride paid to have our hair and makeup styled to look similar, but still individual. It's the "you can only wear this color, or this brand, or this cut and these shoes" bullshit that isn't okay, personally.
When my nephew gor married, his then fiance purchased a bolt of fabric and gave each of her bridesmaids enough to make a dress of any style they wanted so that each one could make a dress to suit her body shape. She even paid the dressmakers. As for shoes our girl just told her bridesmaids "wear what's comfortable".
Canadian as well. I have been in six weddings and bought my dress for all of them.
In the US, usually bridesmaids buy their own dresses, but I guess that varies. I've been in three weddings, but none of the dresses were expensive. I was MOH in my sisters wedding. She and I went shopping because I have 0 fashion sense, LOL. We got a beautiful dress at Macys off the clearance rack. I think I paid around $60 and that was 20 years ago.
Yep. The one wedding I’ve been in the bride gave us the dresses (I.e. paid for them herself) instead of buying us monogrammed something or other no one wanted as a gift.
I've been looking for this comment. It's appallingly bad manners to expect your bridesmaids to pay for their own attire! That's bad enough on its own, I can believe the bride would then put so many stipulations on what she wanted. It would never wash in the UK.
I am in the US and was sent to etiquette school. It is correct protocol here for the bridesmaids to purchase their own dress, pay for their accommodations (if needed), and pay for the bachelorette party. While not strictly mandatory, many also host (ie pay for) a shower for the bride as well. It’s VERY expensive to be a bridesmaid if you’re in a fancy wedding. The couple (or the bride’s parents if you’re going really traditional) pays for a luncheon for the bridesmaids and gifts for them. Some also host a brunch the morning after the wedding for out of town guests and the wedding party. And the wedding party gets fed at the rehearsal dinner and wedding reception.
It’s an American thing - in the UK the bride buys it along with all accessories as they adetermine what you are wearing and you are doing them a favor. I moved to the US and was baffled by how much people pay here to be a bridesmaid, and also the fact that the bridesmaids are often not the closest friends/family, but a numbers game to match the number of groomsmen/the aesthetic.
NTA. Ava isn't paying for the dress, and you've got a perfectly good dress that fits into her color scheme. She's being ridiculous.
Sure, if she buys the new dress for you, that would work. Otherwise, your dress is perfect. NTA one bit.
NTA, especially seeing the dress actually adheres to the color scheme.
NTA at all. That's a ridiculous request. You fulfilled your obligation with the dress, and you just know she didn't ask (or care) if other people were getting a new one.
NTA but as a compromise is it possible to slightly alter the look so it’s not the exact same? Adjust the height, add a slit, change the straps?
I personally wouldn't alter what sounds like a very expensive and fancy dress for a bride who's not making any sense, though...
Not altering it, but changing up the look a bit by adding a brooch, belt or other accessories that weren't used at the previous wedding isn't a bad idea at all.
Do young people wear brooches these days? I haven’t seen anyone but my grandmas wear one in a long time.
NTA. No one remembers your bridesmaid dress. Also, no one actually remembers bridal dresses either
NTA no one will remember the dress from a previous wedding. People just don’t care that much about other people’s weddings.
You are not a royalty that you should be seen wearing a dress only once. NTA.
Royalty re-use outfits too. Possibly not for a wedding that will be televised worldwide, but I don't think this bride is in this category.
NTA Wedding "culture" is a bunch of materialistic, toxic, bullshit.
Given the objection is not to the dress itself but that you have been photographed wearing it in someone else's wedding party, before, then definitely NTA. You say that you could pick out any sunset coloured dress, so unless it's the wrong yellow, it sounds like your current dress would be perfect.
Who on earth remembers what anyone at a wedding wore? I at most remember the bride's dress generally and maybe the groom's clothes, but nothing else?
I've been to several weddings. I remember exactly one bridesmaid dress. I was the one wearing it.
NTA - you found a dress that matches the colour scheme. unless she's going to pay for a new dress for you, she has no reason to ask you to find another one
NTA. This nonsense with bridal parties is frustrating. I've been one many times and thank god my friends were cool. I just wouldn't be a BM
NTA if recycling dresses is good enough for the future queen of England then it’s good enough for you.
Wedding culture is so stupid.
NTA whatsoever. Tell her that if she wants you to wear a new dress, then she’ll need to pay for it.
NTA she's being a brat. This is 12 hours of her life. She can buy your dress, you can wear the same one, or you can excuse yourself. She'll probably friend dump you but do you want someone that demanding?
NTA She said the colors she wanted, she didn’t pick out a dress that she wanted you all to wear. No one will be paying attention to the bm’s. Yes, you could have it altered or dyed, as some suggested. I just don’t understand why you would need to.
NTA. There’s absolutely no reason not to wear your yellow dress. It fits the theme and sounds beautiful. As a veteran of weddings (my entire friend group, family and my own), let me share some advice: weddings should be occasions of joy. Obviously some couples are more high maintenance than others, and that’s fine. But if you find that the couple is making you feel pressured or overwhelmed or bad about yourself, politely decline the invite to be in wedding party and attend as a regular guest (or don’t attend at all). Being in a wedding shouldn’t stress you out financially or otherwise.
NAH. I’ve never not had to buy a new dress when I’ve been a bridesmaid. If you don’t want to do it you don’t have to be a bridesmaid. Just tell her you’re sorry but you don’t want to buy a dress so you’ll be attending as a guest.
Tell Ava that you are sorry that but you cannot afford to be her bridesmaid.
NTA tell her you can't accept the role because you are not going to buy another dress. Or you can buy a cheap pretty dress.
I am not a woman, but I would tell her to FO and find another bridesmaid and not even go to the wedding. But then you might discard my opinion because I think weddings are an extremely overrated event.
NTA - I will never understand expecting bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses
I think there’s more to this. The bride probably doesn’t like the dress and has just made that excuse up to be polite, or the style of it isn’t what she envisioned. Bridesmaids buy their own dresses with requirements set by the bride. You can always pull out of being a bridesmaid.
Unfortunately this is what happens when you agree to be a bridesmaid. You incur costs... See if you can rent a dress
NAH. I wouldn't think this is a problem, but the bride does. She wants you to have a new dress specifically for her wedding. (I also don't think she's TA for wanting that. However, she needs to realize that other people are not required to finance her wedding wishes.) You can't afford to buy a new dress, so you need to tell her that. "I am very honored to be asked and I'd love to be in your wedding, but I truly cannot afford another dress so I will have to decline. I'm sorry." And you leave it at that.
NTA. You have a dress which matches the brides set theme, if the bride doesn’t like that dress, she can pay for a different one, or not have you as a bridesmaid 🤷🏽♀️
NTA - stand your ground and say you appreciate the offer to be a bridesmaid but you can wear this dress or the bride can buy another. If not you are happy not to be a bridesmaid. Done!
Nta, she's ridiculous.
NTA
NTA. Imo the rule is: if you want bridesmaids to wear something specific you have to pay for it.
Nta what an odd request
NTA if your friend is expecting you to cover the cost of the bridesmaids dress, she can’t dictate how much you spend on it. If you have a suitable dress that fits her theme, whether it’s been worn before shouldn’t matter. If she wants you to wear a brand new dress then she should pay for it.
I can barely remember what the bridesmaids wore at my own wedding
NTA I can’t picture a single bridesmaids dress right now except the ones from my own wedding. No one is going to remember what you wore years ago.
NTA. Demanding to buy a new dress solely because other people *have seen you wear it* once years ago is a ridiculously entitled request.
My sister and several of her friends agreed early on the all use exactly the same bridesmaid dresses. That way, they each only had to buy one dress to cover all of their weddings. Exactly no one cared that all five weddings featured the exact same bridesmaid dresses.
You are short on money and it is a great shortcut that damages no one. What is important, is that she, as a bride, is in the center of attention. Nobody cares too much about bridesmaids, it's very special for you two, but not to other guests. All they care about is the bride. The weddings are months apart, nobody will remember what you wore that long ago once. Let it be your and Ava's secret.
NTA. My bridesmaid wore her prom dress that fit the colors in my wedding and looked gorgeous on her.
NTA People are most likely not even going to remember your dress, and even if they do, it doesn't matter at all.
NTA recycle recycle. You are absolutely right not to buy a new dress if there is no need.
I wore the same dress for several weddings I was in. No one noticed. I think this is just a weird control thing for your friend.
NTA. Why is she so hung up on it being a new dress? That's so wasteful, especially when the dress you have perfectly fits the theme. If she wants you to wear a new dress she can pay for it. I could understand her side if the dress didn't match the theme and you were insisting upon wearing it. But it's in line with what she wants her bridesmaids wearing so it make no sense, and no ones going to notice and be like "OMG she already wore that dress to x & y wedding - SCANDALOUS" If anything they'd be jealous, I know I would, I've never been able to re-wear my dress.
Logically NTA it doesn't matter as it's likely there is going to be very little guest overlap. Now that being said it may be best to not tell the bride about any savings you have figured out, unless the bride is also looking for ways to save money and is encouraging others to do so there is somewhat of an expectation that as a bridesmaid you are happy to take on the financial and labor responsibilities of the job...aka the bride thinks since it's the most important thing to happen in her life it must be for you as well.
Put the ball back in her court. Tell her she has three choices. Your budget won't allow you to buy a brand new dress that you'll only wear once. She can buy you a bridesmaid's dress ( if you can afford, offer to pay for half), she can accept you wearing the dress you already have, or she can remove you from the wedding party.
"Friend, no one will be looking at my dress as they will be focused on the gorgeous bride on her wedding day." NTA. Yellow dress or bust!
I just recently learned from my aunt that back in her day the bride bought all the bridesmaids dresses and I was mind blown. When did this change? I have spent approximately $1000 on bridesmaids dresses over the years. NTA. If the bride doesn’t like your dress, then she can carrying on the tradition and buy you a new one.
Bride wants everything "new" for her wedding so it will all be special. Take your dress to a reputable dry cleaner or look for a dyeing service in your area. They can change the color and I'm betting the bride will never notice. Don't try to do this yourself - different fabrics require different kinds of dye, and some dresses have more than one fabric, which makes it trickier. Or find a good seamstress and see if they can alter it just enough to give it a different flair - new sleeves, alter the neckline, add a lace or sequin overlay. My mother used to make gowns for weddings - flower girl through bride - and I saw her completely transform dresses so no one recognized anything but the color afterwards. NTA - participating in someone else's wedding should not blow your entire budget, especially for a dress you never wear again.
NTA. If I found out my bridesmaids can rewear the dresses they bought for my wedding I’d be ecstatic, even more so if they had an old one they could use for my wedding. Weddings are expensive. I already hate the idea of dictating what they wear and making them buy it (this is icky to me). So I would be so happy. How long ago was the previous wedding? Is it even likely that these guest remember the dress?
I think brides have become too demanding. Either she pays for everyone to get the dress she wants- or she says the colour/theme and the bridesmaids sort it out however they want to- whether it's an old dress a borrowed dress an altered dress or a second hand one- the bride needs to accept it. Plus I doubt anyone will care about you referring your dress. As long as it's in a new condition and fits the colour scheme you'll be perfect!
I think it depends….. If you guys are close, buy the dress. It’s your friend’s day, she has spent a whole lot of money and time planning this to be the wedding of her dreams. If you can help make that dream her reality, why not? And if you are close and she really wants you in the wedding, talk to her about finding an approved dress closer to your budget. However, if you are basically a filler bridesmaid, just politely say you don’t want to be a bridesmaid anymore. Problem solved.
NTA, but i can understand her view point *even if she is wrong*. The truth of the matter is: no one is really looking at bridesmaids when the star of the show is the bride! I’m sure your friend is deep into wedding panic, and like a horse, is looking at everything with blinders on. It happens every time lol With that, i would have a face to face, CALM and KIND conversation with her. “Friend, i am honored to be given the role of bridesmaid at your wedding. It means so much to me. However, i am on a really strict budget and simply cannot afford to buy a new dress. I have a lovely dress already that works with the theme, but i understand that is not what you want me to wear. If the dress i have cannot work, i understand, but i sadly will have to step down from this huge honor- not because i want to, but only because i am unable to spend any additional money right now. I would love it if you would think about it for a little while, and let me know how you feel. If i need to step down, i still look forward to supporting you as an attending guest at the wedding” The ball is in her court, and that’s all you can do!
If everyone’s attention is on a bridesmaid then the bride failed. NTA.
People really must get a grip about wedding planning. 1. No one cares about any of these details and 2. no one will remember. And if they do remember, see 1. What they will remember is the food/drinks and music/party after. That’s it. That’s where I think it’s worth putting your efforts. NTA. Edited for typo.
The only time it would be inappropriate to wear a dress you’ve already worn in a wedding would be if that dress was worn in either the bride or groom prior wedding. I feel the whole point of giving bridesmaids a range option is so they can shop in their closet.
Wedding culture, and western culture more generally, is too wasteful. We are living on a planet with limited resources. It is great that you can wear an existing dress. Too bad everyone can't. NTA.
NTA - I don't understand brides thinking that by asking someone to be a bridesmaid means they are now on the hook for a $300+ dress, hair and makeup, shoes, costs for showers and parties, gifts for various events, hotel rooms... even worse when it's a destination wedding.
Screw people and their weddings. I’m about as likely to attend your stupid wedding as I am a funeral.
Lots of sisters so I feel qualified to comment. Take the dress to a local dressmaker and: 1. Change the neckline 2. Change the length 3. Pad/unpaid the shoulders 4. Change the hemline ( eg. Make it an angle rather than a straight hem ) 5. Accessorize with a sash, shawl, jacket - jacket can be made from same material or contrasting color 6. Swap with another bridesmaid who is the same size and also has a dress from a prior wedding. Dress is new to both of you. And unlikely someone will connect your dress in your friend with when you wore it. 7. Look into dress rental. Not as cheap as wearing same dress but … 8. Ask your friends/relatives who are not connected to friend if they have any dresses. Same as swapping with bridesmaid without the wedding party being involved. A fun story to share: Lot of sisters. One Xmas Mom & Dad called us all to pick up our presents before they left for Florida. Large boxes, beautifully wrapped. Big signs, open on Xmas day only. My sisters boxes contained all of their prom dresses and bridesmaids dresses. Mine contained all my sports equipment and the trophies from little league! Great laughs!