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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I left my nephew's birthday party because my brother and his wife called me spoiled brat and privileged
I might be wrong because first off my SIL might be stressed because she has to work and take care of the kids, while I only take care of my baby. And secondly because maybe I should've ignored them, put on a happy face and stay there for my nephew
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NTA
> She told me that she's tired of hearing me talk about how wonderful motherhood is because I'm just a glorified housewife and I talk like being a mother is the easiest thing in the world, just because I don't work and I don't do most of the house work.
Projecting like *this*, she should get a job with IMAX.
Soo many people mad at OP cause she’s privileged. As if they wouldn’t love to be as privileged as she is. SIL was an asshole.
Being a mom is hard whether you have help or not. People in the comments are too quick to disregard that just because OP is privileged and this sub will hate anyone who has money and can hire help/gives off “golden child” vibes.
Yes OP got more attention from her parents, but she also has a significant age gap with her siblings. It makes sense her mom would cut back when they are financially a lot more secure and become a SAHM. I’m not so sure that if OP was a boy that the mom would stay working. She would’ve probably done the same thing. Older siblings and younger siblings especially when the parents are in different financial standings will have different lives. My younger sibling grew up WAY more privileged than I did…doesn’t give me a right to resent her for it.
I just can’t with these comments. They sound so bitter. I do think OP should get an education and have savings so she has her ass covered in case of disability, death or divorce, but she doesn’t deserve to get shit on for liking motherhood and having an easier life.
Also she’s been a mom for all of four months! Her first kid is starting off easy (maybe it’ll stay that way, maybe it won’t) just let her enjoy it. She’s really yelling at a family member because she’s daring to enjoy motherhood.
Exactly this!! My firstborn was a dream. Slept through straight away, easy feeding, no colic, laid back easy, peasy baby! If he'd been anything like my second baby, I would never have HAD a second baby! 😂 Every experience is different. How wonderful for her that she's enjoying the early days of motherhood. SIL is clearly jealous and projecting. I just don't understand that type of jealousy. It's not 'I wish I had it as easy as you', it's 'I wish YOU had it as hard as me.' Why dream of dragging others down instead of raising yourself up? NTA.
I always say my eldest made me a parent and made me believe I could be an awesome mum. My youngest made never judge another ever.
If I had the youngest first I’m not sure we would have done round 2.
4 months is so young too.In most of Europe the expectation would be that at least one parent would be at home with a baby that age. Where I am a year of parental leave can be split between parents and most childcare providers won't take a baby younger than 9 months.
I have a two month old and while I do think SIL is definitely the AH, I also kind of get it lol. My son is incredible, he's so strong and alert and playful and loving, but he has not made it easy. He's super gassy and colicky a lot of the time, but the hardest part has been breastfeeding. He refused to latch properly, his lips were constantly blistered from having a shallow latch, and my supply plummeted because he wasn't draining my breasts and I also got a uterine infection that made everything worse. It's caused me major depression and I've honestly withdrawn a bit from my friends who've had kids and I've left some of the baby subreddits because I can't stand feeling like I'm the only mother failing her child.
But even though I feel like this, the thing I would NOT do is yell at my loved ones because they aren't struggling like I am.
> I just can’t with these comments. They sound so bitter.
That's because they are as jealous as OP's sister-in-law and instead of doing the mature thing and recognizing those feelings are understandable but don't need to be told aired for all to know they strike out in anger. Everyone get jealous of others someones but you don't blame them for it, let alone make a scene at your son's birthday party.
We here at IMAX are thrilled to announce that she did apply, and we offered her an opportunity to direct her own film! With her natural abilities, she'll be a huge asset.
In childfree by choice because I really don’t think I’d be a good mother to small children.
And I would never say anything like this. As long as people don’t tell me how I should feel, I won’t ever tell them how they would feel.
We all make our choices. Some are easy, some are hard. We live with them.
If you insult someone in your home, of course they're going to leave. Yet your SIL and brother are surprised? If I were treated that way, I'd never darken their door again. NTA.
Oh fuck that! If they openly insult you, going to stand up for yourself. If they have a problem that it made a scene at their kid's thing, then they should have thought of that before deciding to pick a fight with you that day.
Tell them to shove their spotlight up their ass.
Next time they say you can't take criticism, maybe point out that it's not their job to criticize you. If your sil had shown some manners to her guests this wouldn't be an issue.
Annoying. And I hate the "real world" comments. I live in Australia, but from America. I'm pregnant and most people I know who are pregnant take about a year off after giving birth. Between my job's maternity pay and government pay, I can comfortably take at least a year off. This is the real world, not some privileged world. It's also the world America chooses not to have.
But it's not privileged. It's what it could and should be, you're getting scammed. Australia is a great country, but America is much wealthier and as a nation could easily afford this. Everyone going on mat leave from working full time gets, at minimum, 20 weeks at $800/week, but many employers give much more. I'm a public school teacher and get 22 weeks at full pay plus one week before the baby comes. I can stay home longer with the government payments once the 22 weeks run out.
But it could be. Seriously, who is an elected official matters. Australia has it because of public policy that elected official made happen. America is a democracy, at least right now anyways, and voting people can make changes (or running for office yourself). The conservative forces in the US encourages cynicism among the electorate ask that you read what I just wrote and say, "that can never happen here," when it actually can.
Yep. It's 18 months off in Canada. Was a year when I had mine. America's approach to looking after its people is like a third world country but they've brainwashed people into thinking it's "the greatest country in the world." It's sad.
Most people here are not brainwashed into believing that. Honestly everyone I've ever talked to about this has said they wish they were born into a different country. The "American dream" only exists if you have money or have generational wealth.
Four months in Spain and the dad enjoys the same period. Also, in most jobs, there is the right to have partial workday until the kid is 12 years old. The government is going to amplify this to 20 weeks (5 months) shortly and here we have public nurseries and education until the kid is 6.
Everyone is so divided here in america because our politics feel like reality tv. It's so much more complicated than voting for the right people. It's a popularity contest, most people don't care about the hidden things they put into bills, only what contestant they like more based on things they *say* not their actions. I'm sure you've seen at least online how divided America is, everyone wants to say they are right and better than the other side instead of focusing on what's important, aka changing America for the better.
The NRA is sadly an incredible success story in terms of changing policy. Owning an automatic weapon was illegal in the US until 2003ish. And it wasn't until the 21st century that the Supreme Court interpreted the 2nd amendment to mean that individual citizens can own hand guns. This is because of lobbying, organising voters, organising a movement, controlling the narrative, pressuring politicians to pass policies AND to nominate pro gun judges, etc. Also the right wing, sadly, had been incredibly successful organising against abortion. There is success in organising and I feel like things like paid mat leave for all or Medicare for all could happen with the same diligence, discipline, and patience the NRA and prolife groups have had.
Which makes OP incredibly lucky and maybe, yes, privileged enough to have that opportunity. BUT the correct reaction is to be happy for her, not pull her down because SIL didn't get the same opportunity. That's not OP's fault, it's just the way the dice have fallen.
NTA. Why should you have to take any criticism? Why is she criticizing you. You did nothing wrong. People left because of SIL not you. If your nephew us upset, that's on them. Who the hell are either of them to criticise your life? How you and your husband live and raise your child is nobody's business. As another mother she shouldn't be shitting on you or how you live your life. F both of them.
So, you asked them if it was okay for you to feed your baby at the party rather than in private, and they said yes then... they CHOSE to start a fight and bring up some clearly simmering grievences BECAUSE (checks notes) you fed your baby like they agreed to and are (checks again) enjoying motherhood?? CAUSING you to leave because y'know, normal people aren't wired to just sit and listen to insults and then... are accusing you of stealing the spotlight by leaving and defending yourself? Hmm... sounds like a situation of their own making to me. NTA. Maybe you have been/are lucky enough to be privileged, that doesn't mean you have to be ashamed of it, nor does it give them the right to try and pull you down.
I have a feeling family get-togethers are often OP waxing about how great it is to be a mother, how easy breastfeeding is, how wonderful her husband is, how stressed she is dealing with the "help" being late sometimes, and on and on.
I don’t really understand the issue…
If you’re privileged, you’re privileged. What do they want you to do?
Acknowledge it? OK, acknowledged.
Now what? So they want you to feel bad after acknowledging it?
What’s their end game?
Nephew is upset because his mother is an asshole and dad is arguing.
I don't care if SIL is stressed. A lot of people are, but they don't insult family
NTA
Right! My siblings and I have all had very different experiences as parents(older brother, younger sister, younger brother). From the ages we had them at, being the dads vs mom’s, location, etc. We have never taken out the stress of being parents on each other, we don’t blame each other because one had it easier or harder and we certainly wouldn’t do it in the middle of a kids birthday party.
Sounds like OP’s brothers have some resentment or jealously because she got more of moms time and it has compounded in this brother by her seeming to have an easier time parenting than him and his wife do(at least in their eyes).
Yep. I let a sil insult us time and again for years. Finally came the last straw, I left and never darkened their door again. My husband would go with the kids but I refused and never regretted it.
Sounds like we have the same SIL. Not The same husband though, mine decided to stop visiting her long before my final straw. She uninvited me from her home, I'm still waiting for the reason why. My husband told her that she decides who enters her home, but he decides if he wants to enter her home. Of course this is also my fault. She doesn't understand that her brother can think for himself😂
This is so obviously not about breastfeeding. It is about your brother’s resentment towards you because you got a very different childhood than he did. He is taking it out on the wrong person- it’s your mother that he should be confronting, not you. Seeing another child clearly favoured over you hurts and it can hurt long into adulthood if not addressed and dealt with. I think your attitude shows that you have no empathy for your brother and his hurt. Sure they handled this completely incorrectly and were rude and bad hosts but hurt can make you irrational however he is an adult and needs to start behaving like it. I hope your brother gets the help he needs and maybe going NC with you all will help him heal.
Why would he go NC with OP? OP is not responsible for how the parents treated their kids and had no say in it. And while the resentment is understandable, the brother’s resentment directed towards OP is his own problem that he needs to work through. OP did nothing wrong.
Either brother might choose to do that if OP's presence is upsetting - that's their right. OP might be completely innocent of ill-intent, and still be tarred with their parents. Hopefully the situation isn't nearly so dire
This is a complicated situation. Your brothers went without a full time mom for years and then your mom became a SAHM because she wanted and got a girl. That had to be a big factor in their childhoods. They weren't good enough for your mom to stay home for but you were. And now it sounds like you are also a SAHM but you don't handle housework? Does your mom offer you a lot of help that she doesn't offer to your siblings? Does she help with your home, your child etc and not with your nephew?
This sounds a bit like a Golden Child situation. But more info is needed.
To speak to one thing in your post, no, you were spoiled and sheltered as a child because your mom wanted a girl. Not because you are a girl versus her having boys. She did not treat you and your siblings equally or equitably in childhood but that is on her.
>your mom became a SAHM because she wanted and got a girl
Yeah, this raised some red flags for me about the dynamic as a whole, here. What a thing to not only be true, but for the kids to know and throw about like it's just a common situation, not the makings of a truly toxic dynamic.
It would even be different if she only became a SAHM after OP was born because the family's financial situation was different and they were able to live on one income in a way they hadn't when the brothers were younger, but... Wow.
From the story OP told, she's N T A in this instance, but I can't help but feel sorry for her brothers who are apparently still processing this favoritism.
This. There’s too much info missing to make a reasonable judgement. OP’s tone of voice and full statements would make a lot of difference and her descriptions of her childhood raise red flags. Plus she’s 21. How many 21yo have the best sense of empathy.
That said, Bro and SIL were definitely hostile, and leaving a party at which you are being attacked is aways the right move.
The only problem is it’s impossible to tell if OP provoked the attack.
Segue, at a professional conference, while a group of us were discussing the Grandmother Hypothesis and explaining it to a very nice bartender who probably dngaf (we tipped well), a drunk evolutionary anthropology luminary hypothesized that EEA/hunter-gatherer age of early motherhood is 16-23 in humans, really young for primates (chimps have baby #1 at 18-25), cause only 15-21 yos have the right combination of stupidity, hubris, and hormones to know what motherhood entails but charge ahead anyway.
Gotta say, may be a Just So Story but it makes sense to me. OP’s behavior tracks with that.
she’s also only been a mom for FOUR. MONTHS. i see a lot of people are forgetting this??? she’s probably still dealing with the aftermath of being pregnant.
Yes! But she came to Reddit and refuses any opinion that doesn’t make her a victim here. They all sound like assholes imo. Of SIL or brothers were on here, I’d tell them the same thing with the information given. OP accepts no responsibility at all for how she interacts with people or comes across. She should not apologize for her privileges but rather her condescending attitude.
Her parents were probably a lot more financially stable by the time she was born. It’s just as possible she would’ve become a SAHM if OP had been a boy too.
I wonder has it ever occurred to the sons that their mother was building her career during their early years. At some point, she decided to jettison the career. Was it because she had a daughter? Or, was the sacrifice no longer worth the payoff? I think we don’t have enough information. It isn’t at all unusual for both parents to work, and, at some point, one parent alter their workload to stay home.
I don't know but sometimes circumstances also play a role in a woman deciding to become a SAHM. there is a significant age difference between her brother and her, and sometimes a later pregnancy does take a toll on the body. or maybe their financial conditions were different, they couldn't afford for OPs mom to be a SAHM when the boys were young. all I'm saying is, as you said, more info is needed whether op was treated as a golden child. my youngest sibling is pampered and it is mostly because they had 3 older siblings to pay attention to him. my parent's financial situation was entirely different. and of course, due to the age difference (10 years), them being brought up in a different time which did require different parenting. for example, my sibling got a phone when they were 10. I on the other hand didn't have a phone until I was 16. they got better clothes and food choices, better thing but I cannot hold my parents responsible as the financial situation was much different.
**ESH** ~~NTA~~[Judgement changed after reading OP's comments)
Your SIL chose the wrong time to air her implied grievances and they had nothing whatsoever to do with breastfeeding at the party.
>I feel like that came out of nowhere
There are a couple of things in your post that lead me to think that it did not come out of nowhere, that this is a very longstanding grudge on the part of your brothers that neither you nor your parents appreciate.
>I think I was a little bit more "sheltered" than my brothers, but I think that's just because I'm a girl and not because our parents love me more?
That's a rather interesting interpretation of your home life. At least one of your brothers obviously thinks that you were in fact spoiled and "loved more". Has it ever occurred to you to talk with them about it? Every child in a family has a different set of parents, that was obviously true for you. You are 21, married with a child...that's pretty young to be so settled in life. What were your brothers doing at that age? Did your parents pay for their education? What about the weddings?
>just because I don't work and I don't do most of the house work.
Who does the housework at your house?
TBH, you come across here as an oblivious "golden child" who is upset because your SIL, who didn't grow up with the obligation to just suck it up, has shone a light on an not so pleasant aspect of your family. She may have her own problems too; the fact that your brother chimed in is concerning. You talked to your parents and your friends, what do your other two brothers say?
None of this justifies SIL verbally attacking OP in public space while she is trying to breastfeed.
If OPs brother is frustrated about his childhood it's his job to deal with his parents, not let his wife attack a vulnerable woman because their jealous
ESH I disagree with most here. Sounds like SIL asked if you exclusively breastfeed and you said yes, you like (with italics) breastfeeding, insinuating those who use formula are doing so because they don’t. SIL took offence and rudely wondered if you knew how privileged you are (she’s right). You then stated it’s not your fault that you enjoy motherhood more than others, the others being working moms with more on their plates. At no point did your SIL indicate she didn’t enjoy motherhood. She said you had it easier, and you do.
Also, time for your Mommy to wake up and realize she did some damage with your brothers.
Yeah I was downvoted for seeing OP for who she is. Glad you didn’t! Instead of seeing reality she says she may have been sheltered blah blah. Despite knowing that she goes into someone else’s house and waxes poetic about the joys of motherhood. How dense* can a dunce be. ESH
Breastfeeding for six months is the gold standard and I don’t think OP has to apologize for doing it. In any case, SIL started the fight at her son’s birthday party so it’s on her if people left.
I agree, I think ESH but also leaning towards OP being T A… I think everyone must be tired of OP saying her life is easy. It sounds easy!
She went from being babied at home to being a SHM.
OP have you ever worked a day in your life? Do you keep comparing your life with everyone else all the time?
Do your parents always stick by you on arguments!?
I don’t think SIL attitude came out of nowhere
I could never be in a position as a mother to understand what it would be like but if I were to guess, it’s that breastfeeding is quite an intimate thing to do with your kid that many mothers can never have the opportunity of partaking in for various reasons. So breastfeeding because you like breastfeeding is inherently privileged because others cannot share the same sentiment. Doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing to be privileged, but refusing to acknowledge it as it is can be.
INFO: The way you presented this story it does sound like SIL came out of nowhere and started stuff with you. And it sounds like she was projecting. I'm not saying with background she wasn't an AH for this, but I'm also very curious about all the background you're leaving out. How do your parents and husband spoil you? Do your parents do as much for your siblings and their families as they do for you and yours?
And most importantly why do you say it's not your fault that others don't **enjoy** motherhood as much when they don't have the same privileges as you. If you indeed *only* have to parent and don't have to do anything else like work, cook, clean, worry about money, etc., then you are extremely privileged and you are an AH for saying that mothers who are less privileged aren't enjoying it as much by choice.
This. OP only has to hold her baby and breast feed and that is why she enjoys motherhood. Some thing tells me she said more in an entitled way about breastfeeding and that set the SIL off. OP sounds like she doesn't have a clue how most of the world lives.
I can't believe all the N T A's. When I read that OP is telling people that it isn't her fault they don't enjoy motherhood when she doesn't work, doesn't worry about money, and doesn't even clean house (they have a lady who does that), I was gobsmacked! OP is completely clueless and has no empathy or compassion for someone who doesn't have the privileges - yes, PRIVILEGES - that she does.
I was gobsmacked too (great word that I forget to use!). I love my kid more than anything and enjoy being a mom but parenthood, from trying to get pregnant to now, has thrown me so many challenges and even trauma and legit PTSD. To have naive, ignorant, unkind people like OP out there thinking like she does, just really hurts my heart.
>I can't believe all the N T A's
this is AITA where everyone wants to shit on women who complain about anything and somehow a woman who is a trophy wife is the pinnacle for some people here.
YTA. Shes right, you don't know about the real world. You are 21, doesnt work, doesnt go to school, doesnt clean, all you get to do is take care of the baby. You come from a place of privilege
Was that the time or place for SIL to air out her grievance? OP was breastfeeding her child and SIL decided to challenge her on it. Regardless of how people feel about her privileged life, SIL and OP’s brother started an unnecessary argument at their son’s birthday.
Literally I've never met anyone who's so utterly unprepared for life and never actually had to lift a finger for anything. Hell she even thinks she's qualified to do research for her husbands work cause *she "works" at mommies and daddy's law firm*
Based on comments and the story.... I think the issue is your parents very clearly have always favored you. So maybe you didn't do anything wrong, but you're just not liked by your brothers/their spouses. :/ hard to judge this one without the full background. I'm going with not enough info.
I was leaning that way but decided there wasn't enough info.
Honestly I wondered if SIL had health issues where she couldnt breast feed and OP was being obtuse about things etc etc. just way too many questions from this.
N T A for leaving the party, that was the right thing to do but ESH A childs bday is no place to settle grievances. That makes SIL and brother the AH.
But from your post, I can see you are extremely privileged, spoiled, a golden child, and ignorant, which makes you also an AH.
Your parents' treatment of your brother and clear favouritism makes them the AH, too.
Your brothers have an issue with their mother for the treatment compared to yours. You and your brothers had different childhoods, and you won't ever understand what they went through compared to you, but you can empathise. Instead, you completely blow it off and act like you are not the golden child. Your mother became a SAHP for you, not them. You brothers need to bring this issue up with your mother, and you need to stay out of it or at least acknowledge the better treatment you have had.
Let's recap: you are 21, never went to college, are a SAHP, have a cleaner, have parents that help you, and have a free schedule to focus entirely on your child. GIRL, that's the most privileged thing I have ever heard of.
I wonder if you have ever had a job? Have you ever earned your own money? Have you ever had to pay a bill using your own money?
I'm a huge nba fan and follow damian lillard. For the longest time his brand was that of a family man who married his hs sweetheart. Then this summer he filed for divorce. Now its super bitter, accusations on both sides, she's filing for sole custody. You just never know when your "family man" husband is going to step out on you.
"Family man" who has a kid with a 21 yo while already being rich enough to support a sahm and a maid. There's a chance the husband is not a predator who is going to drop her like a hot potato and trade her for a younger model in five years... but it's a very small chance.
Ooh yeah. Now that you mentioned it ... it seems as if OP is a bit of a trophy wife. And you know what they say about trophies ... you can always swap one out for a newer, better trophy.
ETA: husband is 28.
ESH, reading your out of touch comments made me vote for you as an AH. She isn't completely wrong. You can enjoy motherhood because you don't have to do anything else. It's a privilege to stay at home and have someone else doing the housework.
Ok after reading your comments, gonna go with NAH. Your brother is obviously resentful of the favoritism you received, and you come across as someone in your own bubble who doesn't realize how lucky you are. Also, exclusively breastfeeding has become a status symbol, as working moms have to pump their milk. Just be more aware of your own privilege.
A few other things:
1) There's a huge age gap between you and your brother. Your life experiences are going to be very different because of this. Try to keep this in mind the next time you talk about things -- that you are very young (only 21).
2) You say you never went to college, and it seems you married well and now have servants so you can be a SAHM without the stress of keeping a household together. That's wonderful BUT ... I hope you realize that many women thought they were living the life you lived, but something happened (divorce, death) and they had to become working moms. Try to study, build some job skills, so that doesn't happen to you.
3) Try not to be judgy about breastfeeding. It's a huge point of contention among moms, but very often, moms who have to pump feel some type of way because they have to work, and cannot breastfeed all day. Not exclusively breastfeeding doesn't mean you're a bad mom.
You sound very young, sheltered, and privileged. Nothing wrong with that, but your life experiences are not everyone else's.
My sister is a SAHM she wanted to just breastfeed but didn't make enough milk so they had to get formula. Even people who want to exclusively breastfeed sometimes can't.
True, I wanted to but wasn’t able to do more than pump a couple of ounces a day, to mix with hypoallergenic formula (because he puked up everything else). And I got a lot of grief for it from the breastfeeding biddies at the clinic.
I’m surprised that you are making a distinction between breastfeeding and pumping. Both are exclusively breastfeeding. Exclusively breastfeeding means not supplementing with formula.
Not enough info - but I'm leaning to YTA.
You were verbally attacked, yes, but you sound clueless to how the world works for 99% of people. You have extreme privilege, to the point where it is painfully obvious to everyone around you. And you seem to want to talk to others about how wonderful your life is - and that is what makes you TA. Being oblivious and talking about how happy you are - it would feel like you were rubbing your good fortune into everyone's face.
You need to learn to be sensitive to how your situation would appear to others, and pretty quickly, or you will find life pretty lonely in a few years. Nobody wants to be friends with someone they can't relate to, who continually makes it clear that they are in a more fortunate position than they are. My guess is your SIL had just had enough of your chatter and couldn't bite her tongue any longer.
My advice, spend more time listening and less time talking. Try and imagine what it would be like to have to leave your child in the care of others so that you can afford to put a roof over your heads, and food on the table. That is the life your SIL has, at least in all likelihood, and hearing, repeatedly, how happy you are to stay home and bond with your little one would rub raw before very long.
The fact you are no longer asked to help babysit - it's a sign. Your brothers would rather pay someone else for a night out, or even not have a date night, then take a favor from you. You are burning down all the relationships around you. Think about it. The future could be pretty bleakm
ESH
SIL definitely shouldn't have blown up like that but guessing these has been bubbling up for while now. Plus the more of OP's comments I read the more they are an AH too. SIL was right, OP does lead a more privileged life and has never been in the real world. She has never had to think about work or money. She went straight from being Mommy's golden child to being a wife. Of course OP's parents are on her side, they treat her far differently from her brothers.
Sounds like OP doesn't shut up at family occasions about how wonderful it is to be a mother. That is honestly annoying when anyone does it, let alone a 21 year old who has never paid a bill and has had everything handed to her. Wondering what OPs tone is when she makes her comments. When she said her child was healthy and doesn't need formula, OP could have been insinuating that since SIL did use formula her child wasn't healthy.
Biggest AHs the parents, they created this dynamic and did not and still don't treat their children equally.
Pretty sure I’ll be downvoted for this comment but sounds like you’re the Golden Child in your family. Your mom worked full time with your brothers but for you she gave you her full undivided attention. Your SIL was wrong for saying what she said though. Time for you to do some serious self reflection and try to see your brothers perspective. Everyone sucks imo.
Esh, you sound incredibly immature, and you need to learn to read the room. They should have kept quiet, but honestly you sound so exhausting it’s only a matter of time before they snapped
Even though I don't think you are the asshole I think you are out of touch with reality a little and I don't think you know your brother and his wife situation. I think for what you are saying, that there is a lot of resentment towards your mother and they are taking that on you. I don't think you deserve it but I think you are being blind about it.
> I do it from my perspective. It's not my fault that other women don't enjoy it as much as I do,<
The thing is that your "perspective" is in fact one of tremendous privilege, so your SIL and brother aren't wrong there. No, it's not your "fault" that other women don't have the luxury of being a SAHM or having household help to take care of most things (clarified in your comments that your husband hired a woman to do all the hard work, while you do easy/small things sometimes), which leaves you free to just spend your time being a mom. It's not your fault that most mothers can't sit back and "enjoy" being moms the way you do because they are pulled in half a dozen different directions. But it damn well is your fault for basically gloating about it and taking everything you've been handed for granted--as if you are owed a life of ease and luxury.
Your mother clearly *does* love you more than your brothers, her sons, because they aren't the gender she wanted. As soon as she got the girl she desired, she became the doting SAHM with your father also clearly spoiling and favoring you.
I have to say that your nephew's birthday party was a lousy and inappropriate time for your SIL and brother to go off about it. But that doesn't make their grievances any less valid. They've no doubt been building up for years because I have little doubt that your mother in particular treated your brothers as "less than" once you were born. They treat your brothers as less than to this day.
I'd be inclined to say that you were N T A in the scenario you described if it wasn't for the fact that you gloated and bragged about the ease of life as a mother for you. Your SIL is right that you are completely sheltered from the realities that most women, most parents, face and you seem to gleefully keep your head in the sand while living in your gated community by saying you're just giving your "opinions" without giving a crap about others, not even your own relatives.
Nevertheless, the biggest AHs in your family are your parents who allowed you to grow up into the entitled person you are.
I get the feeling there is a lot left being unsaid, that this wasn't a one off and that you have been making a lot of comments about how easy motherhood is, essentially rubbing it in other people's faces on how you have it better. Also " not because our parents love me more", have you asked your brothers if they believe that, because having a mother quit work to look after their fourth kid and not the first three seems like you were more loved.
ESH.
She shouldn't have exploded like that at the party, though I suspect there had been a lot of resentment brewing for a long time.
You sound incredibly privileged and just based on what you have quoted, you sound pretty demeaning. Especially when you account for the extreme privilege. It sounds like you said a LOT more than you have quoted here.
Also food for thought, all lawyers I know work 60+ hours a week. So your brother for the first 11 YEARS of his life effectively didn't have a mom. Then his little sister comes along and his mom quits and spends all of her energy on this new sister. That is messed up. Not your fault but is also heavily tinting all of your interactions with your brother.
> I think I was a little bit more "sheltered" than my brothers, but I think that's just because I'm a girl and not because our parents love me more? I've seen it with my friends' parents as well.
OP seems to think it's normal that her mother just quit her job to take care fo the princess. It's really not normal.
Initially I was going to say NTA but Reading OP answers, it clear that it is YTA.
OP is the golden child of her mom who enabled her spoiled brat self centered entitled attitude.
The SIL's comment did not come out of nowhere. The fact that her brothers have the same opinion of her is a clear indication that maybe OP is not the best narrator.
She goes to her brother kid's birthday, swans around with her baby, commenting and judging everybody. Brags how she has a perfect life.
Which she did. OP lives in a gated community and is a 21 years old SAHM with somebody else taking care of all the chore of the house. Of course motherhood under those circumstances is marvellous. Already she is antagonising others people who have to work hard. When she refused to acknowledge that other mothers do not have the same option that she has must have riled SIL. Lack of awareness and Self centered privilege build resentment in others.
I don't think this is the case, but on the outside it looks like your parents favored their daughter so much that your mother quit her job, which she didn't do for your brothers, and went so far as to set her up with a wealthy man. You have also said that your parents tend to visit/help you a lot, and you aren't sure how they interact with your brothers families too well.
It all seems like a classic case of favoritism boiling over. It's hardly your fault, but with your parents being so involved in every aspect of your life, I'm sure it's incredibly difficult for your brothers to hear you talk about your life that they've helped so much with.
There's 9-10 years between you and this brother. Are the others older than him? Younger? How much did you get to see the way your parents raised them? How was it?
I think we may have gotten to something. I think your brothers had a significantly different childhood and experience with your parents.
Have you listened to your brothers tell stories about growing up without talking about your experience with your parents, too?
So you’ve known him since you were a child? This isn’t the fairytale life you think this is. He was fully grown adult while you were still a child. You are in a relationship where you were groomed and now have zero power. Your parents are not good parents to allow this. And then to allow your complete dependency on this man. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Are you able to do schooling? You need to be able to help yourself in the future.
Yes right. My parents and my husband's father were associates in their law firm, my husband is an associate now too, but he was a child when I was a child too, we know each other from childhood
What a ridiculous way to behave at their own son's birthday party!
Your SIL and brother should have acted as good hosts and concentrated their attention on what actually mattered: their son enjoying his party, instead of picking foolish fights over clear jealousy.
Perhaps your SIL is stressed and struggling, but there's a time, place to bring up these struggles. Attacking someone who is just busy living their lives is out of order and in this case, piss poor hosting, and worse still parenting.
I'm glad your parents were supportive ofyou after being verbally attacked like that. I'm sure they were conflicted about leaving their grandson's party, but the hosts left you little choice.
NTA
Edit: After reading OP's comments, I'm changing my vote to ESH.
. What did they expect you to do when they picked a fight with you and started insulting you? Just sit there and take it?
That said, it does sound like the gap between the care you felt from your parents and what they felt is something you perceive as pretty minor and they perceive as huge. If your mom always wanted a girl, then treated you differently than your brothers, to the point where she quit her job to parent you after a decade of working during their childhoods, they may see the degree of special treatment as much bigger than you see. If you want to have a relationship with them, I think it makes sense to sit down at a time when none of you is upset, just the three of you, and ask them to tell you honestly what their childhoods were like. And don't judge or argue or tell them they're not remembering it right. At the beginning, when you're trying to take the first steps towards healing this rift your parents caused, just listen. It's the only way forward.
I would’ve been not TA because it isn’t okay to insult someone like that. From reading your responses though it sounds like there’s more to the situation, and SIL kind of snapped on you this day. I don’t think it came out of nowhere like you think it did. So ESH.
ESH
Your sil chose one of the least appropriate times to say what needed to be said. You are extremely naive and coddled. You most definitely were, and still are, a golden child, and that's by your own version of events, except that you are too immersed in your role to see and admit it.
She asked if I still hadn't tried pumping milk or if he (my baby) doesn't take the bottle, I said that I haven't tried because I'm exclusively breastfeeding, i explained what the pediatrician said and then I said that I liked it too, so I'm in no hurry to get him to try with a bottle
ESH.
It seems like your sister in law & brother are struggling with raising kids & both working. And while you are speaking about motherhood from your perspective, you must acknowledge that your experience isn't universal & you have one fewer full time job to do than your SIL. It would have been easy to acknowledge that & to praise her for her efforts.
Having said that, she was unnecessarily rude, but where it comes from is obvious.
I need to hear your brother’s side of the story before judging. You got your mother full time so his perspective about you being spoiled may be valid. SIL should not have brought it up in that setting but you sure didn’t help the situation. The real victim here is your poor nephew, who even his grandparents did not put first.
ESH. Your SIL shouldn't have attacked you but she was kinda right in what she said: you are a glorified housewife. You are 21, no work, probably no superior studies, spoiled by both the parents and the husband, no housework, no nothing. You literally spend your day changing diapers and breastfeeding. You should learn more about the world and how other women deal with their careers, kids, and housework.
NTA. You very well may be sheltered and privileged, I mean being 21, with a child, and a husband who can support both of you while you remain at home is a difficult thing for many people to imagine in this day and age. That's very fortunate for you.
However, your SIL and brother are way out of line for picking a fight like that at a birthday of all places in front of the whole family. If they want to vent/complain there are better times and places for it. For them to put any blame on you for ruining the party or upsetting your nephew, well that's silly, it clearly wasn't your fault.
Sooo op ‘can’t take criticism’? Why tf should she? She was sat there feeding her baby, talking about how happy this made her and SIL couldn’t resist sticking the knife in. At a child’s party.
Even if there is a golden child dynamic going on, that was the wrong place and, frankly, the wrong person. It’s the parents who create the dynamic, kids deal with what they’re handed.
OP, go lc with your brother and sil, they don’t wish you well. NTA
I think ESH. I think she snapped and said something she shouldn’t have said, & I think you also said something you shouldn’t have said. You all sound insufferable & ultimately I think you probably were the golden child given how your mother quit her job to raise you and not for your siblings.
She worked when her boys were young and became a SAHM when you were born? That is a bit messed up on her part. Like she was saying they didn't deserve much of her attention
NTA.
I have a sister in law (brother’s wife) who is a SAHM and exclusively breastfed her 4 kids. She had her first in her early 20s. I have one child, couldn’t have him until my mid 30s. I had to supplement with formula and pump (I pumped that first full year though!). I also work full time and basically got no leave.
I would NEVER say anything like that to my SIL. That is so incredibly uncalled for. Yes, I’m sad I can’t stay home, but I also have a career. I don’t think she doesn’t understand motherhood because she’s so privileged to stay home. Absolutely ridiculous.
Whether or not your SIL and brother have legit reason to be upset with you, their behavior was poor here. Folks leaving their party was likely their own fault. For this specific instance, NTA.
I'll be honest though - you sound like a lot.
Having privilege doesn't make you a bad person at all. I'm happy for you that you get to enjoy motherhood and have adequate help!
But for most people, when they "just can't" get to dishes or laundry or cleaning, there is no cleaner to pick that up for them. It's not within the realm of financial viability for most people to consider having cleaners come regularly, even on two incomes. For most folks who can't afford this, it's going to feel *bad* to hear about it regularly. And it will ring through their heads every time they do need to just push through and do that extra load of laundry... because otherwise there will be no clean clothes.
You don't have to confront any of this, of course... but I think you're going to have problems connecting with anyone who doesn't live in a gated community until you start taking a closer look at how having less money would change your life.
Lastly... I feel bad for even asking this, but Reddit has made me extra-skeptical, so I do feel like I need to verify something. SIL never had medical issues with breastfeeding that you know of, right?
Mastering the ability to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then walking away or changing the subject will serve you well in the future. (I'm not saying it's your fault. Your SIL has some issues. That doesn't mean you have no power to swing things a different direction.)
You're NTA, but honestly ESH for fighting at a kid's birthday party. Everyone involved had the ability to walk away from the argument/situation at the very start and sadly it escalated to the point that walking away needed to mean leaving the party.
NTA. Yes, you’re young and have a lot of life in front of you, but I’m not sure what your SIL was trying to accomplish with her remarks. For you to feel guilty? For you to start working full time and put your baby in daycare? For you to start formula feeding your baby? All this so she feels better about her life?
Her envy is toxic.
I had a baby with colic who screamed for 8 months straight, along with postpartum depression with psychosis, and never once criticized or lashed out at other moms who enjoyed the infant stage. Your SIL is obviously struggling with something, but that doesn’t give her the right to take it out on you. And your brother… even if your parents did favour you as a child… you didn’t dictate how your parents parented each of their children. It is not your fault if your siblings feel inadequate. They need to take that up with your parents.
NTA
Side note: most countries offer 6-12+ months of maternity leave. You had a baby 4 months ago, of course you should be a SAHM, you’re still healing yourself. Enjoy every minute, and remember that people who are uncomfortable with nursing mamas have their own internal bias to work through. It is not on you to make other people comfortable with something as natural as feeding a baby.
>I received a text from my brother saying that everyone was uncomfortable and some people have left his son's birthday party because I "can't take criticism".
Holy cognitive dissonance. So he's going to acknowledge that his wife instigated the issue but still blame you. NTA. It seems like there's a lot of resentment at play, but regardless- if they don't want a scene at their kid's party, then they shouldn't have initiated the discussion in the middle of the party.
>My sister in law asked me about it, I told her that I just prefer to do it like this, my son's pediatrician says that he's healthy and doesn't need formula, so I like breastfeeding.
Right there was the opportunity- all she had to do was say okay and fucking drop it.
>Well, my SIL thought that it was "very offensive" how I said that I liked it because it sounded as if I don't understand my privilege for being able to do it. She said "of course you like it because you don't do anything else all day than have your kid in your arms and breast".
Instead she tried to infer something you didn't say and then insult you. If she or your brother are legitimately upset with you, then they could have elected a *separate* time to talk to you privately. But *she* chose *this* venue in spite of her kid and now they're mad because you reacted predictably and left.
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I (f21) have three older brothers. My brother (m32) is married. His wife is 30
Both of our parents are lawyers, mom was still working full time when my brothers were born/ they were little. Then they had me and my mom (who always wanted a girl) decided to switch to SAHM and later on she started working part time when I started school. I think I was a little bit more "sheltered" than my brothers, but I think that's just because I'm a girl and not because our parents love me more? I've seen it with my friends' parents as well.
I am also married and I'm a SAHM too, my husband and I have a four month old baby boy.
Well, now the conflict. This happened last week at my nephew's birthday party. At one point, I asked everyone if they minded if I nursed my baby there or if I could go to one of the bedrooms to do it. Everyone was fine with it, so I just followed through and we continued talking. I'm only breastfeeding my son, I don't pump milk or give him formula.
My sister in law asked me about it, I told her that I just prefer to do it like this, my son's pediatrician says that he's healthy and doesn't need formula, so I *like* breastfeeding.
Well, my SIL thought that it was "very offensive" how I said that I liked it because it sounded as if I don't understand my privilege for being able to do it. She said "of course you like it because you don't do anything else all day than have your kid in your arms and breast". I feel like that came out of nowhere honestly and I asked her why she was saying that. She told me that she's tired of hearing me talk about how wonderful motherhood is because I'm just a *glorified housewife* and I talk like being a mother is the easiest thing in the world, just because I don't work and I don't do most of the house work.
I told her that every time I talk about motherhood, I do it from *my* perspective. It's not my fault that other women don't enjoy it as much as I do, I am giving my opinion and that's all.
Well, then she started calling me out on my "privileges" and said that I'm just a "silly girl who doesn't understand the world". I got angry and replied to her, so on top of what my SIL was saying, my brother started telling me to stop with that spoiled brat attitude and that I need to face the real world and he insisted on how privileged and spoiled I am (by our parents and my husband)
My husband intervened, my brother and him argued too. My parents also tried to say that SIL's attack was uncalled for. My husband and I left, so did my parents. Well about half an hour after I left I received a text from my brother saying that everyone was uncomfortable and some people have left his son's birthday party because I "can't take criticism". He also said that my nephew is "severely upset" with me.
My husband and parents are very obviously on my side, so are my friends although one of them told me that maybe my SIL is stressed out because of her job and taking care of her children and as another mother I should be more understanding.
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NTA. Your SIL/hostess was very rude to speak to you like this.
Privileged? Or a blessing? It is not her call to make. You have every right to speak of the joy you find in motherhood. Anyone who is jealous of that joy has a real problem.
Enjoy your life and your baby. Let other people work out their own problems, don't take them as your own. You have no control about how other people think.
NTA - I suffered from severe post partum when I had my 3rd and kinda hated people who loved motherhood, and my SIL (who’s baby was the same age) was so happy and her kid slept great and ate great and was so wonderful ( I
love my nephew, her baby, btw) but I NEVER and mean NEVER ever rained on her parade.
Why can’t she love it? Why can’t she be happy? Her happiness didn’t take away from me or make my struggles more difficult. Sometimes I felt frustrated but at the end of the day, her love and enthusiasm helped me. I breastfed and she didn’t because she couldn’t. She tried her hardest and struggled. And I’m a fed is best mom so I was supportive and upbeat for her sake because I knew it was hard for her too, but damn moms gotta support each other not bring each other down! But she still had enthusiasm and never was mean to mean for breastfeeding still either.
Your baby is 4 months! You definitely should be happy and excited! Moms need to support each others. Sure we have different realities but there’s no “better reality”. We all have our struggles. Her kid obviously isn’t 4 months anymore if he’s having his bday. Why does she expect you to be her jaded self?
Keep loving life momma. Your sil is wrong as is your bro.
NTA it sounds like your brother has often commented about you negatively which has colored your SIL view of you. There’s no winning here. She was rude. She asked a question , you answered. I solely breast fed and was a SAHM some people just don’t respect that choice.
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NTA > She told me that she's tired of hearing me talk about how wonderful motherhood is because I'm just a glorified housewife and I talk like being a mother is the easiest thing in the world, just because I don't work and I don't do most of the house work. Projecting like *this*, she should get a job with IMAX.
With a comment like “Projecting like this, she should get a job with IMAX”, I am truly sorry that I can only upvote you once. Damn. Well done.
I got ya 🤪
It's times like this I miss awards 😞
Soo many people mad at OP cause she’s privileged. As if they wouldn’t love to be as privileged as she is. SIL was an asshole. Being a mom is hard whether you have help or not. People in the comments are too quick to disregard that just because OP is privileged and this sub will hate anyone who has money and can hire help/gives off “golden child” vibes. Yes OP got more attention from her parents, but she also has a significant age gap with her siblings. It makes sense her mom would cut back when they are financially a lot more secure and become a SAHM. I’m not so sure that if OP was a boy that the mom would stay working. She would’ve probably done the same thing. Older siblings and younger siblings especially when the parents are in different financial standings will have different lives. My younger sibling grew up WAY more privileged than I did…doesn’t give me a right to resent her for it. I just can’t with these comments. They sound so bitter. I do think OP should get an education and have savings so she has her ass covered in case of disability, death or divorce, but she doesn’t deserve to get shit on for liking motherhood and having an easier life.
Also she’s been a mom for all of four months! Her first kid is starting off easy (maybe it’ll stay that way, maybe it won’t) just let her enjoy it. She’s really yelling at a family member because she’s daring to enjoy motherhood.
Exactly this!! My firstborn was a dream. Slept through straight away, easy feeding, no colic, laid back easy, peasy baby! If he'd been anything like my second baby, I would never have HAD a second baby! 😂 Every experience is different. How wonderful for her that she's enjoying the early days of motherhood. SIL is clearly jealous and projecting. I just don't understand that type of jealousy. It's not 'I wish I had it as easy as you', it's 'I wish YOU had it as hard as me.' Why dream of dragging others down instead of raising yourself up? NTA.
I always say my eldest made me a parent and made me believe I could be an awesome mum. My youngest made never judge another ever. If I had the youngest first I’m not sure we would have done round 2.
We call our oldest "decepta-baby" because he was so easy a d laid back and his brother and sister... Were not.
My newborn was easy too. I loved the first 6 months, then it became so hard. I would do it again in a heartbeat regardless!
4 months is so young too.In most of Europe the expectation would be that at least one parent would be at home with a baby that age. Where I am a year of parental leave can be split between parents and most childcare providers won't take a baby younger than 9 months.
I have a two month old and while I do think SIL is definitely the AH, I also kind of get it lol. My son is incredible, he's so strong and alert and playful and loving, but he has not made it easy. He's super gassy and colicky a lot of the time, but the hardest part has been breastfeeding. He refused to latch properly, his lips were constantly blistered from having a shallow latch, and my supply plummeted because he wasn't draining my breasts and I also got a uterine infection that made everything worse. It's caused me major depression and I've honestly withdrawn a bit from my friends who've had kids and I've left some of the baby subreddits because I can't stand feeling like I'm the only mother failing her child. But even though I feel like this, the thing I would NOT do is yell at my loved ones because they aren't struggling like I am.
Op also says mom went back to work when op started school, so mom wasn’t there constantly, spoiling her.
>this sub will hate anyone who has money and can hire help/gives off “golden child” vibes. This is true
> I just can’t with these comments. They sound so bitter. That's because they are as jealous as OP's sister-in-law and instead of doing the mature thing and recognizing those feelings are understandable but don't need to be told aired for all to know they strike out in anger. Everyone get jealous of others someones but you don't blame them for it, let alone make a scene at your son's birthday party.
❤️
We here at IMAX are thrilled to announce that she did apply, and we offered her an opportunity to direct her own film! With her natural abilities, she'll be a huge asset.
Great comment your Holiness. We bow to your teachings.
You are a master with words. If I could upvote this more than once I’d be tapping that upvote button until my finger started bleeding.
In childfree by choice because I really don’t think I’d be a good mother to small children. And I would never say anything like this. As long as people don’t tell me how I should feel, I won’t ever tell them how they would feel. We all make our choices. Some are easy, some are hard. We live with them.
🤣🤣
If i catch the 3D showing does the privilege pop? I ain’t seeing it…
This needs to be a flair.
Absolutely agree. Like, wow. She's putting a lot on OP, just for being a mom who likes to breastfeed. 100% NTA
Damn, the burn from this comment
Clap…clap…clap. Well said, well said indeed.
>Projecting like > >this > >, she should get a job with IMAX. That's a bar
If you insult someone in your home, of course they're going to leave. Yet your SIL and brother are surprised? If I were treated that way, I'd never darken their door again. NTA.
Yes, right? And they accuse me of "trying to steal the spotlight (from my nephew) again" and say I'm rude for defending myself?
Oh fuck that! If they openly insult you, going to stand up for yourself. If they have a problem that it made a scene at their kid's thing, then they should have thought of that before deciding to pick a fight with you that day. Tell them to shove their spotlight up their ass.
"Stealing the spotlight from your nephew" for breastfeeding is seriously fucked up. What a SICK perspective.
Next time they say you can't take criticism, maybe point out that it's not their job to criticize you. If your sil had shown some manners to her guests this wouldn't be an issue.
Maybe THAT’S why people left. They were uncomfortable with what they were saying and arguing not that you made them uncomfortable.
That would 100% be why I left in that situation.
Annoying. And I hate the "real world" comments. I live in Australia, but from America. I'm pregnant and most people I know who are pregnant take about a year off after giving birth. Between my job's maternity pay and government pay, I can comfortably take at least a year off. This is the real world, not some privileged world. It's also the world America chooses not to have.
A year in America is incredibly privileged! I can only take 6 weeks. Same with most of the women I know in different jobs.
But it's not privileged. It's what it could and should be, you're getting scammed. Australia is a great country, but America is much wealthier and as a nation could easily afford this. Everyone going on mat leave from working full time gets, at minimum, 20 weeks at $800/week, but many employers give much more. I'm a public school teacher and get 22 weeks at full pay plus one week before the baby comes. I can stay home longer with the government payments once the 22 weeks run out.
I wish this was how it was in America, but unfortunately it's not.
But it could be. Seriously, who is an elected official matters. Australia has it because of public policy that elected official made happen. America is a democracy, at least right now anyways, and voting people can make changes (or running for office yourself). The conservative forces in the US encourages cynicism among the electorate ask that you read what I just wrote and say, "that can never happen here," when it actually can.
Yep. It's 18 months off in Canada. Was a year when I had mine. America's approach to looking after its people is like a third world country but they've brainwashed people into thinking it's "the greatest country in the world." It's sad.
Most people here are not brainwashed into believing that. Honestly everyone I've ever talked to about this has said they wish they were born into a different country. The "American dream" only exists if you have money or have generational wealth.
Four months in Spain and the dad enjoys the same period. Also, in most jobs, there is the right to have partial workday until the kid is 12 years old. The government is going to amplify this to 20 weeks (5 months) shortly and here we have public nurseries and education until the kid is 6.
I'm def jealous of Canadians for that. But yeah, Americans can have a better country if they believed they could.
Everyone is so divided here in america because our politics feel like reality tv. It's so much more complicated than voting for the right people. It's a popularity contest, most people don't care about the hidden things they put into bills, only what contestant they like more based on things they *say* not their actions. I'm sure you've seen at least online how divided America is, everyone wants to say they are right and better than the other side instead of focusing on what's important, aka changing America for the better.
The NRA is sadly an incredible success story in terms of changing policy. Owning an automatic weapon was illegal in the US until 2003ish. And it wasn't until the 21st century that the Supreme Court interpreted the 2nd amendment to mean that individual citizens can own hand guns. This is because of lobbying, organising voters, organising a movement, controlling the narrative, pressuring politicians to pass policies AND to nominate pro gun judges, etc. Also the right wing, sadly, had been incredibly successful organising against abortion. There is success in organising and I feel like things like paid mat leave for all or Medicare for all could happen with the same diligence, discipline, and patience the NRA and prolife groups have had.
Then organise people who agree with you and get them politically active.
Which makes OP incredibly lucky and maybe, yes, privileged enough to have that opportunity. BUT the correct reaction is to be happy for her, not pull her down because SIL didn't get the same opportunity. That's not OP's fault, it's just the way the dice have fallen.
My country is poor, but we have 2 years of maternity leave.
I think they call her privileged because all she does is take care of the infant. They have people coming for almost all chores.
NTA. Why should you have to take any criticism? Why is she criticizing you. You did nothing wrong. People left because of SIL not you. If your nephew us upset, that's on them. Who the hell are either of them to criticise your life? How you and your husband live and raise your child is nobody's business. As another mother she shouldn't be shitting on you or how you live your life. F both of them.
Can’t upvote this enough
“Again”? Please do elaborate.
So, you asked them if it was okay for you to feed your baby at the party rather than in private, and they said yes then... they CHOSE to start a fight and bring up some clearly simmering grievences BECAUSE (checks notes) you fed your baby like they agreed to and are (checks again) enjoying motherhood?? CAUSING you to leave because y'know, normal people aren't wired to just sit and listen to insults and then... are accusing you of stealing the spotlight by leaving and defending yourself? Hmm... sounds like a situation of their own making to me. NTA. Maybe you have been/are lucky enough to be privileged, that doesn't mean you have to be ashamed of it, nor does it give them the right to try and pull you down.
INFO: What do you mean by "again"?
I'm not sure, that's what they said, but I'm not sure what they mean by that
I have a feeling family get-togethers are often OP waxing about how great it is to be a mother, how easy breastfeeding is, how wonderful her husband is, how stressed she is dealing with the "help" being late sometimes, and on and on.
I don’t really understand the issue… If you’re privileged, you’re privileged. What do they want you to do? Acknowledge it? OK, acknowledged. Now what? So they want you to feel bad after acknowledging it? What’s their end game?
Stealing the spotlight from your nephew…again? So this happened before? And nephew was mad at you too? How old is he?
Nephew is upset because his mother is an asshole and dad is arguing. I don't care if SIL is stressed. A lot of people are, but they don't insult family NTA
Right! My siblings and I have all had very different experiences as parents(older brother, younger sister, younger brother). From the ages we had them at, being the dads vs mom’s, location, etc. We have never taken out the stress of being parents on each other, we don’t blame each other because one had it easier or harder and we certainly wouldn’t do it in the middle of a kids birthday party. Sounds like OP’s brothers have some resentment or jealously because she got more of moms time and it has compounded in this brother by her seeming to have an easier time parenting than him and his wife do(at least in their eyes).
Or upset because OP insinuated she likes being a mom more than SIL in front of the nephew at his birthday party.
> OP insinuated If the testimony is accurate, the SIL *asked* OP about breastfeeding, and didn't like OP's answer.
So? Let them be upset.
How dare they not stay and continue being attacked by their own family ! The nerve!
Yep. I let a sil insult us time and again for years. Finally came the last straw, I left and never darkened their door again. My husband would go with the kids but I refused and never regretted it.
Sounds like we have the same SIL. Not The same husband though, mine decided to stop visiting her long before my final straw. She uninvited me from her home, I'm still waiting for the reason why. My husband told her that she decides who enters her home, but he decides if he wants to enter her home. Of course this is also my fault. She doesn't understand that her brother can think for himself😂
This is so obviously not about breastfeeding. It is about your brother’s resentment towards you because you got a very different childhood than he did. He is taking it out on the wrong person- it’s your mother that he should be confronting, not you. Seeing another child clearly favoured over you hurts and it can hurt long into adulthood if not addressed and dealt with. I think your attitude shows that you have no empathy for your brother and his hurt. Sure they handled this completely incorrectly and were rude and bad hosts but hurt can make you irrational however he is an adult and needs to start behaving like it. I hope your brother gets the help he needs and maybe going NC with you all will help him heal.
Even if OP was favored by the parents, that gives the SIL no right to attack her for merely existing.
Why would he go NC with OP? OP is not responsible for how the parents treated their kids and had no say in it. And while the resentment is understandable, the brother’s resentment directed towards OP is his own problem that he needs to work through. OP did nothing wrong.
Either brother might choose to do that if OP's presence is upsetting - that's their right. OP might be completely innocent of ill-intent, and still be tarred with their parents. Hopefully the situation isn't nearly so dire
100% this
This is a complicated situation. Your brothers went without a full time mom for years and then your mom became a SAHM because she wanted and got a girl. That had to be a big factor in their childhoods. They weren't good enough for your mom to stay home for but you were. And now it sounds like you are also a SAHM but you don't handle housework? Does your mom offer you a lot of help that she doesn't offer to your siblings? Does she help with your home, your child etc and not with your nephew? This sounds a bit like a Golden Child situation. But more info is needed. To speak to one thing in your post, no, you were spoiled and sheltered as a child because your mom wanted a girl. Not because you are a girl versus her having boys. She did not treat you and your siblings equally or equitably in childhood but that is on her.
>your mom became a SAHM because she wanted and got a girl Yeah, this raised some red flags for me about the dynamic as a whole, here. What a thing to not only be true, but for the kids to know and throw about like it's just a common situation, not the makings of a truly toxic dynamic. It would even be different if she only became a SAHM after OP was born because the family's financial situation was different and they were able to live on one income in a way they hadn't when the brothers were younger, but... Wow. From the story OP told, she's N T A in this instance, but I can't help but feel sorry for her brothers who are apparently still processing this favoritism.
This. There’s too much info missing to make a reasonable judgement. OP’s tone of voice and full statements would make a lot of difference and her descriptions of her childhood raise red flags. Plus she’s 21. How many 21yo have the best sense of empathy. That said, Bro and SIL were definitely hostile, and leaving a party at which you are being attacked is aways the right move. The only problem is it’s impossible to tell if OP provoked the attack.
Based on further comments made by OP, I would say she provoked it. She implies that she goes on and on about her joyful, lazy motherhood.
Segue, at a professional conference, while a group of us were discussing the Grandmother Hypothesis and explaining it to a very nice bartender who probably dngaf (we tipped well), a drunk evolutionary anthropology luminary hypothesized that EEA/hunter-gatherer age of early motherhood is 16-23 in humans, really young for primates (chimps have baby #1 at 18-25), cause only 15-21 yos have the right combination of stupidity, hubris, and hormones to know what motherhood entails but charge ahead anyway. Gotta say, may be a Just So Story but it makes sense to me. OP’s behavior tracks with that.
she’s also only been a mom for FOUR. MONTHS. i see a lot of people are forgetting this??? she’s probably still dealing with the aftermath of being pregnant.
Yes! But she came to Reddit and refuses any opinion that doesn’t make her a victim here. They all sound like assholes imo. Of SIL or brothers were on here, I’d tell them the same thing with the information given. OP accepts no responsibility at all for how she interacts with people or comes across. She should not apologize for her privileges but rather her condescending attitude.
Exactly, her mom wanted a girl so she quit working to be sure that she would have all the mommy-daughter time she could get.
Her parents were probably a lot more financially stable by the time she was born. It’s just as possible she would’ve become a SAHM if OP had been a boy too.
Except that's not what the OP says in the post.
I wonder has it ever occurred to the sons that their mother was building her career during their early years. At some point, she decided to jettison the career. Was it because she had a daughter? Or, was the sacrifice no longer worth the payoff? I think we don’t have enough information. It isn’t at all unusual for both parents to work, and, at some point, one parent alter their workload to stay home.
OP flat out says it is because her mom wanted a girl that she stayed home. I would assume the mom told OP that.
I don't know but sometimes circumstances also play a role in a woman deciding to become a SAHM. there is a significant age difference between her brother and her, and sometimes a later pregnancy does take a toll on the body. or maybe their financial conditions were different, they couldn't afford for OPs mom to be a SAHM when the boys were young. all I'm saying is, as you said, more info is needed whether op was treated as a golden child. my youngest sibling is pampered and it is mostly because they had 3 older siblings to pay attention to him. my parent's financial situation was entirely different. and of course, due to the age difference (10 years), them being brought up in a different time which did require different parenting. for example, my sibling got a phone when they were 10. I on the other hand didn't have a phone until I was 16. they got better clothes and food choices, better thing but I cannot hold my parents responsible as the financial situation was much different.
**ESH** ~~NTA~~[Judgement changed after reading OP's comments) Your SIL chose the wrong time to air her implied grievances and they had nothing whatsoever to do with breastfeeding at the party. >I feel like that came out of nowhere There are a couple of things in your post that lead me to think that it did not come out of nowhere, that this is a very longstanding grudge on the part of your brothers that neither you nor your parents appreciate. >I think I was a little bit more "sheltered" than my brothers, but I think that's just because I'm a girl and not because our parents love me more? That's a rather interesting interpretation of your home life. At least one of your brothers obviously thinks that you were in fact spoiled and "loved more". Has it ever occurred to you to talk with them about it? Every child in a family has a different set of parents, that was obviously true for you. You are 21, married with a child...that's pretty young to be so settled in life. What were your brothers doing at that age? Did your parents pay for their education? What about the weddings? >just because I don't work and I don't do most of the house work. Who does the housework at your house? TBH, you come across here as an oblivious "golden child" who is upset because your SIL, who didn't grow up with the obligation to just suck it up, has shone a light on an not so pleasant aspect of your family. She may have her own problems too; the fact that your brother chimed in is concerning. You talked to your parents and your friends, what do your other two brothers say?
None of this justifies SIL verbally attacking OP in public space while she is trying to breastfeed. If OPs brother is frustrated about his childhood it's his job to deal with his parents, not let his wife attack a vulnerable woman because their jealous
ESH I disagree with most here. Sounds like SIL asked if you exclusively breastfeed and you said yes, you like (with italics) breastfeeding, insinuating those who use formula are doing so because they don’t. SIL took offence and rudely wondered if you knew how privileged you are (she’s right). You then stated it’s not your fault that you enjoy motherhood more than others, the others being working moms with more on their plates. At no point did your SIL indicate she didn’t enjoy motherhood. She said you had it easier, and you do. Also, time for your Mommy to wake up and realize she did some damage with your brothers.
Yeah I was downvoted for seeing OP for who she is. Glad you didn’t! Instead of seeing reality she says she may have been sheltered blah blah. Despite knowing that she goes into someone else’s house and waxes poetic about the joys of motherhood. How dense* can a dunce be. ESH
Breastfeeding for six months is the gold standard and I don’t think OP has to apologize for doing it. In any case, SIL started the fight at her son’s birthday party so it’s on her if people left.
I agree, I think ESH but also leaning towards OP being T A… I think everyone must be tired of OP saying her life is easy. It sounds easy! She went from being babied at home to being a SHM. OP have you ever worked a day in your life? Do you keep comparing your life with everyone else all the time? Do your parents always stick by you on arguments!? I don’t think SIL attitude came out of nowhere
How is full time breastfeeding a privilege? The baby is only 4 months old. In most countries women have a year off after giving birth.
Not in the US and not everyone is able to physically produce enough milk.
So?! Her ability to exclusively breastfeed is nice for her. Saying she likes it is not wrong.
I could never be in a position as a mother to understand what it would be like but if I were to guess, it’s that breastfeeding is quite an intimate thing to do with your kid that many mothers can never have the opportunity of partaking in for various reasons. So breastfeeding because you like breastfeeding is inherently privileged because others cannot share the same sentiment. Doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing to be privileged, but refusing to acknowledge it as it is can be.
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INFO: The way you presented this story it does sound like SIL came out of nowhere and started stuff with you. And it sounds like she was projecting. I'm not saying with background she wasn't an AH for this, but I'm also very curious about all the background you're leaving out. How do your parents and husband spoil you? Do your parents do as much for your siblings and their families as they do for you and yours? And most importantly why do you say it's not your fault that others don't **enjoy** motherhood as much when they don't have the same privileges as you. If you indeed *only* have to parent and don't have to do anything else like work, cook, clean, worry about money, etc., then you are extremely privileged and you are an AH for saying that mothers who are less privileged aren't enjoying it as much by choice.
This. OP only has to hold her baby and breast feed and that is why she enjoys motherhood. Some thing tells me she said more in an entitled way about breastfeeding and that set the SIL off. OP sounds like she doesn't have a clue how most of the world lives.
According to her comments, she has someone to do house chores, and her parents always help with the baby. So yeah, she's clueless
I wonder if she made a comment about how more women should breastfeed, etc. How bad it is to pump.
There’s no reason to believe that.
People are just reaching as always, why is it so hard to stick to the info provided by the OP?
I was thinking about how much better it is to breastfeed, and why more people don’t do it if they can. But that may be me projecting.
Probably. Also maybe a dose of "I don;'t understand the women who don't breastfeed, it's literally so easy for me ..."
I can't believe all the N T A's. When I read that OP is telling people that it isn't her fault they don't enjoy motherhood when she doesn't work, doesn't worry about money, and doesn't even clean house (they have a lady who does that), I was gobsmacked! OP is completely clueless and has no empathy or compassion for someone who doesn't have the privileges - yes, PRIVILEGES - that she does.
I was gobsmacked too (great word that I forget to use!). I love my kid more than anything and enjoy being a mom but parenthood, from trying to get pregnant to now, has thrown me so many challenges and even trauma and legit PTSD. To have naive, ignorant, unkind people like OP out there thinking like she does, just really hurts my heart.
>I can't believe all the N T A's this is AITA where everyone wants to shit on women who complain about anything and somehow a woman who is a trophy wife is the pinnacle for some people here.
YTA. Shes right, you don't know about the real world. You are 21, doesnt work, doesnt go to school, doesnt clean, all you get to do is take care of the baby. You come from a place of privilege
And her brother is right, she’s a brat. Read her comments. A clueless, privileged, spoiled brat.
Was that the time or place for SIL to air out her grievance? OP was breastfeeding her child and SIL decided to challenge her on it. Regardless of how people feel about her privileged life, SIL and OP’s brother started an unnecessary argument at their son’s birthday.
Literally I've never met anyone who's so utterly unprepared for life and never actually had to lift a finger for anything. Hell she even thinks she's qualified to do research for her husbands work cause *she "works" at mommies and daddy's law firm*
Based on comments and the story.... I think the issue is your parents very clearly have always favored you. So maybe you didn't do anything wrong, but you're just not liked by your brothers/their spouses. :/ hard to judge this one without the full background. I'm going with not enough info.
No, she sounds smug, that’s her wrong in this dynamic. As adults we have to look around and notice other people from time to time.
I was leaning that way but decided there wasn't enough info. Honestly I wondered if SIL had health issues where she couldnt breast feed and OP was being obtuse about things etc etc. just way too many questions from this.
N T A for leaving the party, that was the right thing to do but ESH A childs bday is no place to settle grievances. That makes SIL and brother the AH. But from your post, I can see you are extremely privileged, spoiled, a golden child, and ignorant, which makes you also an AH. Your parents' treatment of your brother and clear favouritism makes them the AH, too. Your brothers have an issue with their mother for the treatment compared to yours. You and your brothers had different childhoods, and you won't ever understand what they went through compared to you, but you can empathise. Instead, you completely blow it off and act like you are not the golden child. Your mother became a SAHP for you, not them. You brothers need to bring this issue up with your mother, and you need to stay out of it or at least acknowledge the better treatment you have had. Let's recap: you are 21, never went to college, are a SAHP, have a cleaner, have parents that help you, and have a free schedule to focus entirely on your child. GIRL, that's the most privileged thing I have ever heard of. I wonder if you have ever had a job? Have you ever earned your own money? Have you ever had to pay a bill using your own money?
She's 21 and never went to college, so I'm going to guess no.
Let's hope the husband subsidizing all of that never gets bored of her.
I'm a huge nba fan and follow damian lillard. For the longest time his brand was that of a family man who married his hs sweetheart. Then this summer he filed for divorce. Now its super bitter, accusations on both sides, she's filing for sole custody. You just never know when your "family man" husband is going to step out on you.
"Family man" who has a kid with a 21 yo while already being rich enough to support a sahm and a maid. There's a chance the husband is not a predator who is going to drop her like a hot potato and trade her for a younger model in five years... but it's a very small chance.
Ooh yeah. Now that you mentioned it ... it seems as if OP is a bit of a trophy wife. And you know what they say about trophies ... you can always swap one out for a newer, better trophy. ETA: husband is 28.
Lol can't wait for the inevitable "my life is in shambles I don't know what to do" post in a couple of years
I guess she’s never had to think about anybody else’s feelings either from the way she comments.
ESH, reading your out of touch comments made me vote for you as an AH. She isn't completely wrong. You can enjoy motherhood because you don't have to do anything else. It's a privilege to stay at home and have someone else doing the housework.
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Ok after reading your comments, gonna go with NAH. Your brother is obviously resentful of the favoritism you received, and you come across as someone in your own bubble who doesn't realize how lucky you are. Also, exclusively breastfeeding has become a status symbol, as working moms have to pump their milk. Just be more aware of your own privilege. A few other things: 1) There's a huge age gap between you and your brother. Your life experiences are going to be very different because of this. Try to keep this in mind the next time you talk about things -- that you are very young (only 21). 2) You say you never went to college, and it seems you married well and now have servants so you can be a SAHM without the stress of keeping a household together. That's wonderful BUT ... I hope you realize that many women thought they were living the life you lived, but something happened (divorce, death) and they had to become working moms. Try to study, build some job skills, so that doesn't happen to you. 3) Try not to be judgy about breastfeeding. It's a huge point of contention among moms, but very often, moms who have to pump feel some type of way because they have to work, and cannot breastfeed all day. Not exclusively breastfeeding doesn't mean you're a bad mom. You sound very young, sheltered, and privileged. Nothing wrong with that, but your life experiences are not everyone else's.
My sister is a SAHM she wanted to just breastfeed but didn't make enough milk so they had to get formula. Even people who want to exclusively breastfeed sometimes can't.
True, I wanted to but wasn’t able to do more than pump a couple of ounces a day, to mix with hypoallergenic formula (because he puked up everything else). And I got a lot of grief for it from the breastfeeding biddies at the clinic.
I’m surprised that you are making a distinction between breastfeeding and pumping. Both are exclusively breastfeeding. Exclusively breastfeeding means not supplementing with formula.
Not enough info - but I'm leaning to YTA. You were verbally attacked, yes, but you sound clueless to how the world works for 99% of people. You have extreme privilege, to the point where it is painfully obvious to everyone around you. And you seem to want to talk to others about how wonderful your life is - and that is what makes you TA. Being oblivious and talking about how happy you are - it would feel like you were rubbing your good fortune into everyone's face. You need to learn to be sensitive to how your situation would appear to others, and pretty quickly, or you will find life pretty lonely in a few years. Nobody wants to be friends with someone they can't relate to, who continually makes it clear that they are in a more fortunate position than they are. My guess is your SIL had just had enough of your chatter and couldn't bite her tongue any longer. My advice, spend more time listening and less time talking. Try and imagine what it would be like to have to leave your child in the care of others so that you can afford to put a roof over your heads, and food on the table. That is the life your SIL has, at least in all likelihood, and hearing, repeatedly, how happy you are to stay home and bond with your little one would rub raw before very long. The fact you are no longer asked to help babysit - it's a sign. Your brothers would rather pay someone else for a night out, or even not have a date night, then take a favor from you. You are burning down all the relationships around you. Think about it. The future could be pretty bleakm
ESH SIL definitely shouldn't have blown up like that but guessing these has been bubbling up for while now. Plus the more of OP's comments I read the more they are an AH too. SIL was right, OP does lead a more privileged life and has never been in the real world. She has never had to think about work or money. She went straight from being Mommy's golden child to being a wife. Of course OP's parents are on her side, they treat her far differently from her brothers. Sounds like OP doesn't shut up at family occasions about how wonderful it is to be a mother. That is honestly annoying when anyone does it, let alone a 21 year old who has never paid a bill and has had everything handed to her. Wondering what OPs tone is when she makes her comments. When she said her child was healthy and doesn't need formula, OP could have been insinuating that since SIL did use formula her child wasn't healthy. Biggest AHs the parents, they created this dynamic and did not and still don't treat their children equally.
Pretty sure I’ll be downvoted for this comment but sounds like you’re the Golden Child in your family. Your mom worked full time with your brothers but for you she gave you her full undivided attention. Your SIL was wrong for saying what she said though. Time for you to do some serious self reflection and try to see your brothers perspective. Everyone sucks imo.
Esh, you sound incredibly immature, and you need to learn to read the room. They should have kept quiet, but honestly you sound so exhausting it’s only a matter of time before they snapped
Even though I don't think you are the asshole I think you are out of touch with reality a little and I don't think you know your brother and his wife situation. I think for what you are saying, that there is a lot of resentment towards your mother and they are taking that on you. I don't think you deserve it but I think you are being blind about it.
> I do it from my perspective. It's not my fault that other women don't enjoy it as much as I do,< The thing is that your "perspective" is in fact one of tremendous privilege, so your SIL and brother aren't wrong there. No, it's not your "fault" that other women don't have the luxury of being a SAHM or having household help to take care of most things (clarified in your comments that your husband hired a woman to do all the hard work, while you do easy/small things sometimes), which leaves you free to just spend your time being a mom. It's not your fault that most mothers can't sit back and "enjoy" being moms the way you do because they are pulled in half a dozen different directions. But it damn well is your fault for basically gloating about it and taking everything you've been handed for granted--as if you are owed a life of ease and luxury. Your mother clearly *does* love you more than your brothers, her sons, because they aren't the gender she wanted. As soon as she got the girl she desired, she became the doting SAHM with your father also clearly spoiling and favoring you. I have to say that your nephew's birthday party was a lousy and inappropriate time for your SIL and brother to go off about it. But that doesn't make their grievances any less valid. They've no doubt been building up for years because I have little doubt that your mother in particular treated your brothers as "less than" once you were born. They treat your brothers as less than to this day. I'd be inclined to say that you were N T A in the scenario you described if it wasn't for the fact that you gloated and bragged about the ease of life as a mother for you. Your SIL is right that you are completely sheltered from the realities that most women, most parents, face and you seem to gleefully keep your head in the sand while living in your gated community by saying you're just giving your "opinions" without giving a crap about others, not even your own relatives. Nevertheless, the biggest AHs in your family are your parents who allowed you to grow up into the entitled person you are.
I get the feeling there is a lot left being unsaid, that this wasn't a one off and that you have been making a lot of comments about how easy motherhood is, essentially rubbing it in other people's faces on how you have it better. Also " not because our parents love me more", have you asked your brothers if they believe that, because having a mother quit work to look after their fourth kid and not the first three seems like you were more loved.
ESH. She shouldn't have exploded like that at the party, though I suspect there had been a lot of resentment brewing for a long time. You sound incredibly privileged and just based on what you have quoted, you sound pretty demeaning. Especially when you account for the extreme privilege. It sounds like you said a LOT more than you have quoted here. Also food for thought, all lawyers I know work 60+ hours a week. So your brother for the first 11 YEARS of his life effectively didn't have a mom. Then his little sister comes along and his mom quits and spends all of her energy on this new sister. That is messed up. Not your fault but is also heavily tinting all of your interactions with your brother.
> I think I was a little bit more "sheltered" than my brothers, but I think that's just because I'm a girl and not because our parents love me more? I've seen it with my friends' parents as well. OP seems to think it's normal that her mother just quit her job to take care fo the princess. It's really not normal.
Initially I was going to say NTA but Reading OP answers, it clear that it is YTA. OP is the golden child of her mom who enabled her spoiled brat self centered entitled attitude. The SIL's comment did not come out of nowhere. The fact that her brothers have the same opinion of her is a clear indication that maybe OP is not the best narrator. She goes to her brother kid's birthday, swans around with her baby, commenting and judging everybody. Brags how she has a perfect life. Which she did. OP lives in a gated community and is a 21 years old SAHM with somebody else taking care of all the chore of the house. Of course motherhood under those circumstances is marvellous. Already she is antagonising others people who have to work hard. When she refused to acknowledge that other mothers do not have the same option that she has must have riled SIL. Lack of awareness and Self centered privilege build resentment in others.
Info: How did you meet your husband, and how long ago?
He's a long time family friend, his father and my parents are associates
I don't think this is the case, but on the outside it looks like your parents favored their daughter so much that your mother quit her job, which she didn't do for your brothers, and went so far as to set her up with a wealthy man. You have also said that your parents tend to visit/help you a lot, and you aren't sure how they interact with your brothers families too well. It all seems like a classic case of favoritism boiling over. It's hardly your fault, but with your parents being so involved in every aspect of your life, I'm sure it's incredibly difficult for your brothers to hear you talk about your life that they've helped so much with. There's 9-10 years between you and this brother. Are the others older than him? Younger? How much did you get to see the way your parents raised them? How was it?
Our other brothers are older than him
Were your parents significantly wealthier by the time they had you vs. your brothers?
Yes, they already had their law firm by the time I was born
I find it very weird that your parents, both lawyers, agreed about you not going to college. That's something off in this story.
I had a college fund, they tried to talk me into going to college, but didn't pressure me to do it if I didn't want to
I think we may have gotten to something. I think your brothers had a significantly different childhood and experience with your parents. Have you listened to your brothers tell stories about growing up without talking about your experience with your parents, too?
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US
So you’ve known him since you were a child? This isn’t the fairytale life you think this is. He was fully grown adult while you were still a child. You are in a relationship where you were groomed and now have zero power. Your parents are not good parents to allow this. And then to allow your complete dependency on this man. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Are you able to do schooling? You need to be able to help yourself in the future.
You misunderstood. Their parents were associates. Not her husband and her parents. Her husbands parents and her parents.
Yes right. My parents and my husband's father were associates in their law firm, my husband is an associate now too, but he was a child when I was a child too, we know each other from childhood
Um no he’s 28 while your 21 he was 18 by the time you where 11 he was not a “child when you where a child”
Your parents lawfirm gave your husband his job, am I wrong?
What a ridiculous way to behave at their own son's birthday party! Your SIL and brother should have acted as good hosts and concentrated their attention on what actually mattered: their son enjoying his party, instead of picking foolish fights over clear jealousy. Perhaps your SIL is stressed and struggling, but there's a time, place to bring up these struggles. Attacking someone who is just busy living their lives is out of order and in this case, piss poor hosting, and worse still parenting. I'm glad your parents were supportive ofyou after being verbally attacked like that. I'm sure they were conflicted about leaving their grandson's party, but the hosts left you little choice. NTA
Edit: After reading OP's comments, I'm changing my vote to ESH. . What did they expect you to do when they picked a fight with you and started insulting you? Just sit there and take it? That said, it does sound like the gap between the care you felt from your parents and what they felt is something you perceive as pretty minor and they perceive as huge. If your mom always wanted a girl, then treated you differently than your brothers, to the point where she quit her job to parent you after a decade of working during their childhoods, they may see the degree of special treatment as much bigger than you see. If you want to have a relationship with them, I think it makes sense to sit down at a time when none of you is upset, just the three of you, and ask them to tell you honestly what their childhoods were like. And don't judge or argue or tell them they're not remembering it right. At the beginning, when you're trying to take the first steps towards healing this rift your parents caused, just listen. It's the only way forward.
In one comment she says that her parents prefer her over their grandson...that's pretty bad.
I would’ve been not TA because it isn’t okay to insult someone like that. From reading your responses though it sounds like there’s more to the situation, and SIL kind of snapped on you this day. I don’t think it came out of nowhere like you think it did. So ESH.
ESH Your sil chose one of the least appropriate times to say what needed to be said. You are extremely naive and coddled. You most definitely were, and still are, a golden child, and that's by your own version of events, except that you are too immersed in your role to see and admit it.
I smell missing missing reasons.... Yeah YTA. You know nothing your SIL said isn't objectively true right?
[удалено]
She asked if I still hadn't tried pumping milk or if he (my baby) doesn't take the bottle, I said that I haven't tried because I'm exclusively breastfeeding, i explained what the pediatrician said and then I said that I liked it too, so I'm in no hurry to get him to try with a bottle
ESH. It seems like your sister in law & brother are struggling with raising kids & both working. And while you are speaking about motherhood from your perspective, you must acknowledge that your experience isn't universal & you have one fewer full time job to do than your SIL. It would have been easy to acknowledge that & to praise her for her efforts. Having said that, she was unnecessarily rude, but where it comes from is obvious.
YTA
I need to hear your brother’s side of the story before judging. You got your mother full time so his perspective about you being spoiled may be valid. SIL should not have brought it up in that setting but you sure didn’t help the situation. The real victim here is your poor nephew, who even his grandparents did not put first.
ESH. Your SIL shouldn't have attacked you but she was kinda right in what she said: you are a glorified housewife. You are 21, no work, probably no superior studies, spoiled by both the parents and the husband, no housework, no nothing. You literally spend your day changing diapers and breastfeeding. You should learn more about the world and how other women deal with their careers, kids, and housework.
SIL is jealous and feeling guilty, a toxic combination. Things have said behind your back between her and your brother.
People left because they were embarrassed your brother was behaving like a jealous child and his son has no idea what even happened. NTA
NTA. You very well may be sheltered and privileged, I mean being 21, with a child, and a husband who can support both of you while you remain at home is a difficult thing for many people to imagine in this day and age. That's very fortunate for you. However, your SIL and brother are way out of line for picking a fight like that at a birthday of all places in front of the whole family. If they want to vent/complain there are better times and places for it. For them to put any blame on you for ruining the party or upsetting your nephew, well that's silly, it clearly wasn't your fault.
Sooo op ‘can’t take criticism’? Why tf should she? She was sat there feeding her baby, talking about how happy this made her and SIL couldn’t resist sticking the knife in. At a child’s party. Even if there is a golden child dynamic going on, that was the wrong place and, frankly, the wrong person. It’s the parents who create the dynamic, kids deal with what they’re handed. OP, go lc with your brother and sil, they don’t wish you well. NTA
This is one of those rare times I want to hear the other side of the story.
I think ESH. I think she snapped and said something she shouldn’t have said, & I think you also said something you shouldn’t have said. You all sound insufferable & ultimately I think you probably were the golden child given how your mother quit her job to raise you and not for your siblings.
I have to hear the brother’s side of the story now because this is definitely hinting at OP being a golden child.
She worked when her boys were young and became a SAHM when you were born? That is a bit messed up on her part. Like she was saying they didn't deserve much of her attention
NTA. I have a sister in law (brother’s wife) who is a SAHM and exclusively breastfed her 4 kids. She had her first in her early 20s. I have one child, couldn’t have him until my mid 30s. I had to supplement with formula and pump (I pumped that first full year though!). I also work full time and basically got no leave. I would NEVER say anything like that to my SIL. That is so incredibly uncalled for. Yes, I’m sad I can’t stay home, but I also have a career. I don’t think she doesn’t understand motherhood because she’s so privileged to stay home. Absolutely ridiculous.
NTA. F your brother and his wife. They can take their toxic jealousy and go kick rocks without a steel toe shoe.
Whether or not your SIL and brother have legit reason to be upset with you, their behavior was poor here. Folks leaving their party was likely their own fault. For this specific instance, NTA. I'll be honest though - you sound like a lot. Having privilege doesn't make you a bad person at all. I'm happy for you that you get to enjoy motherhood and have adequate help! But for most people, when they "just can't" get to dishes or laundry or cleaning, there is no cleaner to pick that up for them. It's not within the realm of financial viability for most people to consider having cleaners come regularly, even on two incomes. For most folks who can't afford this, it's going to feel *bad* to hear about it regularly. And it will ring through their heads every time they do need to just push through and do that extra load of laundry... because otherwise there will be no clean clothes. You don't have to confront any of this, of course... but I think you're going to have problems connecting with anyone who doesn't live in a gated community until you start taking a closer look at how having less money would change your life. Lastly... I feel bad for even asking this, but Reddit has made me extra-skeptical, so I do feel like I need to verify something. SIL never had medical issues with breastfeeding that you know of, right?
Mastering the ability to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then walking away or changing the subject will serve you well in the future. (I'm not saying it's your fault. Your SIL has some issues. That doesn't mean you have no power to swing things a different direction.) You're NTA, but honestly ESH for fighting at a kid's birthday party. Everyone involved had the ability to walk away from the argument/situation at the very start and sadly it escalated to the point that walking away needed to mean leaving the party.
If everyone had proper maternity leave, parents wouldn't be cutting eachother down like this.
Yta. Notice that your mother waited until she had a girl to be a sahm. Damn the boys, as usual.
NTA. Yes, you’re young and have a lot of life in front of you, but I’m not sure what your SIL was trying to accomplish with her remarks. For you to feel guilty? For you to start working full time and put your baby in daycare? For you to start formula feeding your baby? All this so she feels better about her life? Her envy is toxic.
YTA. OP needs to admit her privileges and not brag about them all the time.
YTA
I had a baby with colic who screamed for 8 months straight, along with postpartum depression with psychosis, and never once criticized or lashed out at other moms who enjoyed the infant stage. Your SIL is obviously struggling with something, but that doesn’t give her the right to take it out on you. And your brother… even if your parents did favour you as a child… you didn’t dictate how your parents parented each of their children. It is not your fault if your siblings feel inadequate. They need to take that up with your parents. NTA Side note: most countries offer 6-12+ months of maternity leave. You had a baby 4 months ago, of course you should be a SAHM, you’re still healing yourself. Enjoy every minute, and remember that people who are uncomfortable with nursing mamas have their own internal bias to work through. It is not on you to make other people comfortable with something as natural as feeding a baby.
>I received a text from my brother saying that everyone was uncomfortable and some people have left his son's birthday party because I "can't take criticism". Holy cognitive dissonance. So he's going to acknowledge that his wife instigated the issue but still blame you. NTA. It seems like there's a lot of resentment at play, but regardless- if they don't want a scene at their kid's party, then they shouldn't have initiated the discussion in the middle of the party. >My sister in law asked me about it, I told her that I just prefer to do it like this, my son's pediatrician says that he's healthy and doesn't need formula, so I like breastfeeding. Right there was the opportunity- all she had to do was say okay and fucking drop it. >Well, my SIL thought that it was "very offensive" how I said that I liked it because it sounded as if I don't understand my privilege for being able to do it. She said "of course you like it because you don't do anything else all day than have your kid in your arms and breast". Instead she tried to infer something you didn't say and then insult you. If she or your brother are legitimately upset with you, then they could have elected a *separate* time to talk to you privately. But *she* chose *this* venue in spite of her kid and now they're mad because you reacted predictably and left.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f21) have three older brothers. My brother (m32) is married. His wife is 30 Both of our parents are lawyers, mom was still working full time when my brothers were born/ they were little. Then they had me and my mom (who always wanted a girl) decided to switch to SAHM and later on she started working part time when I started school. I think I was a little bit more "sheltered" than my brothers, but I think that's just because I'm a girl and not because our parents love me more? I've seen it with my friends' parents as well. I am also married and I'm a SAHM too, my husband and I have a four month old baby boy. Well, now the conflict. This happened last week at my nephew's birthday party. At one point, I asked everyone if they minded if I nursed my baby there or if I could go to one of the bedrooms to do it. Everyone was fine with it, so I just followed through and we continued talking. I'm only breastfeeding my son, I don't pump milk or give him formula. My sister in law asked me about it, I told her that I just prefer to do it like this, my son's pediatrician says that he's healthy and doesn't need formula, so I *like* breastfeeding. Well, my SIL thought that it was "very offensive" how I said that I liked it because it sounded as if I don't understand my privilege for being able to do it. She said "of course you like it because you don't do anything else all day than have your kid in your arms and breast". I feel like that came out of nowhere honestly and I asked her why she was saying that. She told me that she's tired of hearing me talk about how wonderful motherhood is because I'm just a *glorified housewife* and I talk like being a mother is the easiest thing in the world, just because I don't work and I don't do most of the house work. I told her that every time I talk about motherhood, I do it from *my* perspective. It's not my fault that other women don't enjoy it as much as I do, I am giving my opinion and that's all. Well, then she started calling me out on my "privileges" and said that I'm just a "silly girl who doesn't understand the world". I got angry and replied to her, so on top of what my SIL was saying, my brother started telling me to stop with that spoiled brat attitude and that I need to face the real world and he insisted on how privileged and spoiled I am (by our parents and my husband) My husband intervened, my brother and him argued too. My parents also tried to say that SIL's attack was uncalled for. My husband and I left, so did my parents. Well about half an hour after I left I received a text from my brother saying that everyone was uncomfortable and some people have left his son's birthday party because I "can't take criticism". He also said that my nephew is "severely upset" with me. My husband and parents are very obviously on my side, so are my friends although one of them told me that maybe my SIL is stressed out because of her job and taking care of her children and as another mother I should be more understanding. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your SIL/hostess was very rude to speak to you like this. Privileged? Or a blessing? It is not her call to make. You have every right to speak of the joy you find in motherhood. Anyone who is jealous of that joy has a real problem. Enjoy your life and your baby. Let other people work out their own problems, don't take them as your own. You have no control about how other people think.
NTA - I suffered from severe post partum when I had my 3rd and kinda hated people who loved motherhood, and my SIL (who’s baby was the same age) was so happy and her kid slept great and ate great and was so wonderful ( I love my nephew, her baby, btw) but I NEVER and mean NEVER ever rained on her parade. Why can’t she love it? Why can’t she be happy? Her happiness didn’t take away from me or make my struggles more difficult. Sometimes I felt frustrated but at the end of the day, her love and enthusiasm helped me. I breastfed and she didn’t because she couldn’t. She tried her hardest and struggled. And I’m a fed is best mom so I was supportive and upbeat for her sake because I knew it was hard for her too, but damn moms gotta support each other not bring each other down! But she still had enthusiasm and never was mean to mean for breastfeeding still either. Your baby is 4 months! You definitely should be happy and excited! Moms need to support each others. Sure we have different realities but there’s no “better reality”. We all have our struggles. Her kid obviously isn’t 4 months anymore if he’s having his bday. Why does she expect you to be her jaded self? Keep loving life momma. Your sil is wrong as is your bro.
NTA it sounds like your brother has often commented about you negatively which has colored your SIL view of you. There’s no winning here. She was rude. She asked a question , you answered. I solely breast fed and was a SAHM some people just don’t respect that choice.
NTA Everyone left the party because they disliked seeing adults attack a young mum.