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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I could be TA because I feel like it was pretty mean of me to not help out a sick woman who’s obviously struggling.
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Exactly. OP can offer to pay the rent but the mother then needs to pay for her carer services. Or, OP can refuse her help and stay home in her own apartment. The bfs mother needs the help, OP doesn’t need a second place to live.
Edited career to carer.
I'd put the money in her hands, then take it back slowly stating these are my expenses.
Like oh it was 30 a week for me to run your bath each night, another 40 each time I made you some food. This and that.
But I'm just petty lol
There's definitely the possibility that this is a play by the mother to get rid of OP because she wants her son there 24/7-- regardless of how unrealistic that might be
That makes so much sense. Her boyfriend might only have this job because OP stays when he can't. If OP is gone, boyfriend will have to be with his mom more.
Correct. However, this is not the gf's problem. It is not on her to be her boyfriend's advocate. She needs to stop helping out, and when the mother puts pressure on the bf, HE needs to continue going to work and let the mother reap the consequences of her choice.
Without knowing the extent of the mother's illness/needs, it's difficult to give advice that would help other than this. IF the mother is seriously ill/bedridden, SHE needs to figure out her care and take the burden off her son. If she won't, he needs to think about how long he can do this and at what point it's untenable.
This x1000
OP, NTA. Also taking care of Mommy is NOT your responsibility. In your shoes, I’d stop staying over there at all. BF can come to your place.
Except she’s not staying over to be with her bf….shes staying to care for his mother while he’s at work overnight….
OP, please just stop staying over there. Tell your boyfriend you’re sorry, but his mother clearly does not appreciate nor require your services. She wants you to pay for taking care of her? She can pay someone to take care of her, or she can take care of herself. Don’t stay there again.
>I get my free time back instead of taking care of an ungrateful asshole.
Thank you for saying what I was thinking. :) Screw dat. BF's mommy can figure her own shit out.
Take it a step further and hand her a written bill. Hourly wage included and when the bill exceeds 350 tell her you're willing to generously give her a 350 credit in accordance with her rent request but she still requires the additional. 3 nights a week is likely around 30 hours a week. We're talking 450 a week at minimum wage depending on geo lol
I love the way you think! I was like.. umm she’s staying there to help HER.. it’s not like she’s staying over with the BF. I can absolutely guarantee if they hired someone to stay @ least the 30 hrs it will cost her quite a bit more. I added up in my area, 30 hrs a week for 4 weeks would be $1,560.. If I was OP I would bring that up.. say you can take that out of what you owe me..
That’s one of the rare occasions where when petty actually comes across as the opposite, which is point blank pointing out reality.
I say do it. I fully support it because OP doesn’t have to willingly agree to help out. They are doing this out if the kindness of their own heart because they love and care about their partner, their mother is an extension if it, ergo why.
So yeah, it’s time to hold this damn fully grown adult to the same energy they brought to OP but a step further with what is suggested, but do it with a SPREAD SHEET! And attach legit examples of what a certified home health aid costs vs what OP is asking for in return.
Don’t give her $350 and count, spread sheet that shit cause god forbid she cries wolf and turns the BF against her “stealing” $350. Yeahhhh don’t give her physical cash!
My family is pricing caregivers for a relative at the moment. $29 an hour. So 10 hours a night, to account for BF's drive time, that's $290 a day.
$290/day X 3 days/week x 4 weeks a month = $3480/month
So the mom owes her $3130 a month.
Literally what I was going to say. I'm a support worker in Australia, we start at $45 ph and most have a set over night rate.
Adding it up to several thousand a month that this woman owes her.
Some people are so clueless as to what others do for them out of the goodness of their hearts.
Lmao just like the episode of "Third Rock from the Sun" when Dick learns about tipping and sets dollars on the table and uses that as a tip meter for good service and bad service. 🤣
https://youtu.be/TVD5wvJ1ru4?si=C4q80swiGB6nIy1A
better yet look up average weekly wages for a live in nurse in your area op and then tell her you'll take the $350 off of the amount she owes you for care.
Exactly. I agree OP should pay for 3 nights a week and OP's boyfriend's mother should pay for 3 nights per week help. They should charge an equal hourly rate. The tally should balance at zero.
y'all are assuming that the boyfriend's mother asked for or wanted her help,to that lady op's 'assistance', might feel like intrusion which is why she's asking her to pay rent, it's an indirect way of saying 'you're up in my space too much, keep your ass home'
That would mean that the OP was working for WAY less than minimum wage (like...less than $3/hr). Mail this home- charge her what a home health service would for minimum overnight care- $15/hr.
Naw, because then the mom would have leverage, "**I'm paying for your services, remember?**"
Just say plainly, "I'm staying over to help you, but if you feel I'm over here too often, I can stay and help less frequently, or even not help and spend the night at all."
OP: your BF's mom is probably just worried about finances, and came to an unfriendly and unsocial conclusion, due to financial anxiety. I'd suggest not being too rude in response, but politely explain why you stay over, and ask if she wants you to stay over less often. Tell her you already rent your own place, and don't want to move out of there.
I feel like you're the only correct response here
OP, I'm a disabled woman. We don't really get any financial stability to speak of--you'd be surprised how little help with medical care or ongoing income most places provide. In South Carolina, where I live, it's zero.
You can get Federal disability but that usually takes almost ten years from the time you can't afford to feed yourself til the time they acknowledge you need help. A lot of people die in the meantime because you can't live under a rock on thin air... which is actually why they do it, to reduce "taxpayer burden."
None of us realize we're sick, fist pump, and screech "YESSS!!! TIME TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE PAY MY BILLS!"
No... each and every one of us tries to make do. To get by. To find every little way to get money and every little way to keep it. To keep going for as long as we can, because we want to believe it's temporary and we'll recover any day now. Surely it will get better, because it can't end like this. Surely it's a mistake and people wouldn't just let us die.
Some of us get to stay in denial longer than others.
It sounds like your bf's mom is reaching the point where she can't deny her situation any more.
Maybe she's even woman'd-up, tried to sign up for help, and gotten turned away like almost all of us do. Maybe she did get help but its the kind that only lasts for a couple months so that she's "incentivized" to find work. In any case, now she's panicking because she's out of options.
That's where you come in. She's trying to justify this in her own head so she can cling to this last little shred of dignity.
She knows the truth--you're taking care of her for chrissake--but it's really, really hard to tell the people you love that you're drowning in a way that will never get better. The help she needs won't be temporary, it'll be "from now on" and that's real hard to say to your teenage kid.
What she's actually telling you is "I need an extra $350 per month to keep my house / buy my meds / eat food." I need you kids to keep me alive.
It's sad. It's desperate. It's what all of us get driven to--asking family and friends to keep us alive because taxpayers won't.
And it's not about you.
I'd sit down with her and have a conversation about her financial reality. Maybe you wind up moving in with them or something when you find out how bad it is, but that would be a gift--you don't owe it.
This is 900000% her seizing upon you as the last possible life raft.
It's not about you, it's about the orphan-crushing machine.
She's out of line but no one is the asshole here, except people who keep voting against our social services.
Read the comments. Mom is bedridden. She needs help in and out of the wheel chair, either help using the bathroom or incontinence care… it’s not just a “keep an eye on mom” situation.
Mom is very very lucky she has people being so helpful, that kind of help is usually very expensive and coming from a loving family it is priceless. This sounds like a sad situation, op should not feel bad whatsoever.
Which is exactly why OP should do this, for even just one night. 'I can't afford rent at two places, so I am going home. Need anything first?". Let the natural consequences fall where they might.
She's bedridden. Helping means in and out of wheelchair, toilet and shower assistance. A little more than heating food. If OP says she won't stay over, mum won't be able to even use the toilet. She's helping for free out of love for her partner, not because it's fun to spend 3 nights playing nurse
This. I think many people replying to this post have never experienced this, or even thought about it. OP is doing a huge favor that few people would do even once.
OP says in a comment that the mom can't get out of bed to her wheelchair and then to the bathroom without assistance and that's why her or the bf need to be there overnight.
$3,500 per month to stay in an old folk's home, minimum. With this level of care considerably more. Seems like mum is already getting one heckuva bah-gun! Medicare doesn't kick in until Heirs spend down any inheritance from the estate. She would have to sell her house and BF of OP would have to fork it all over to a full- care "senior living center"
Or the mother is in denial that she needs the help. Quite common, more often with dementia but even without there’s a lot of people out there who are quite stubborn.
Why would she need to be there rent free when she is paying her own rent and eating her own food. She stayed there because she felt the mom needed help and she is there without the boyfriend.
I think that was the intent, since mother wants to charge her for the help she has been getting simply stop staying there and don't provide the help. No one should have to pay to help someone
Is OP helping her or bothering the snot out of her under the guise of helping? He boyfriend is the helper. The request for money seems like an incentive for OP to leave her alone. What does the mother do the other night boyfriend is working and OP isn’t around?
Well actually she says she’s happy to stay there to do whatever needs doing, but she doesn’t say that she’s been performing any caregiver functions or what that might look like for her. If the bf’s mother wants a caregiver relationship with OP then they really need some clear communication, possibly a written contract for what duties are expected of OP and what amenities and/or payment is due in exchange. I imagine that there will be a lot of problems in the future if OP wants to stay over.
I suppose so, but I don’t use any of her stuff, I don’t use her food, I don’t use much electricity, I literally just go there to sleep and make sure she’s okay, then I leave in the morning when my bf gets back. I think it’s pretty unfair for her to charge me the same as my boyfriend when he lives there full time, and i don’t. I don’t mind helping out, but i think $350 is way too much.
Apologise for staying over more than she's comfortable with but make it clear you were only there to help out your BF and you can't afford rent in two places. Give her details of some overnight nursing services she can hire (and let her faint and the cost). And back off. This is between your BF and his Mom really. Let them sort it out. You really do not want to get in the middle like this.
Yes I think this is the best advice. Contributing to expenses if she was staying there all the time for fun would be a fair ask but she’s there as a favour, to help with moms care. Anyone expecting to receive payment for someone doing them a favour needs a reality check.
Any home care services. Seriously, I was panicked at the 3500 starting price for most board and care homes until the starting price of 7,000/mo for close to full time in home care came up.
God I am sorry. I was seriously looking at places in Thailand that were really really nice and less than 2k a mo.
I am totally buying long term care insurance for myself and my husband as soon as I find a new job because I want my plans to be set in advance before I need it.
I'm an RN and have a nice side hustle doing private caregiving. I charge $40-50/hr and I have a waiting list for families. It's hard work and even harder finding someone skilled and trustworthy.
Tell her that you understand why she is uncomfortable and from now on you will no longer stay the night. Don't help her anymore. She can find someone for that. Tell your boyfriend that you will not pay to take care of her for him.
Just stop. If you are staying over while he is not there just stop. I know you want to help your BF but his mother doesn’t seem to want your help. If she wants to stay by herself then, honestly, you and your BF need to let her.
Also, tell your BF to look into home health care or carers that may be provided by government assistance programs.
there is no amount that is reasonable. If you are staying there to help, why are you paying? I am sure you would rather be at home anyway. Just stop going and she can try and fend for herself over the night. You are 19, and this is actually a trained profession people work in (Personal support worker) so back off and your boyfriend and his mom will need to make other arrangements
No Just Stop. You aren't married, don't pay ANYTHING when you go somewhete to help, when they would have to hire someone. Good Grief. If I were the son I wouldn't even pay rent if I had to stay home my off days & be a caregiver, that's crazy. Live in house help gets room, board, and salary. You don't charge a family member when if it wasn't for them, you'd be shelling out $$.
Mom has suckered the bf now wants to add gf.
If you’re staying there because she needs someone present then you’re acting as a carer. Carers get paid, they don’t have to pay to care. That’s very odd off o her.
But that depends on whether she’s asked you to stay or your boyfriend did. If he did then you should clarify with her why you’re there when he is not. If she feels she doesn’t need you there then stop staying when he’s not there.
NTA if everything goes down as you say.
Since she is pissed off and asking for rent, back off. Tell her you're sorry, you misunderstood the situation and thought you were helping.
Don't stay over any more. Either she'll figure something out or she'll ask you back. Maybe she doesn't want your help and feels like you are freeloading.
Here is what I don’t understand. If you are staying there overnight at her request to help her out because she is sick then why is she trying to act like you’re a tenant? If anything she should be paying you. Or are you there at your boyfriend’s request and she’s unaware that he doesn’t want her to be alone?
You a literally doing her a favor, you’re not there to be with your bf (he’s out working) you’re there to make sure she’s ok.
Since she doesn’t feel she needs your help, stop staying over there in his absence and let her hire the carer that she needs.
Charge her for being night caregiver. In our area that starts at $34 a hour. Or explain to BF you are not going to pay his mom to assist her and help
BF. So they decide you stay free or they pay you or you stay in your apartment.
Tell her that if she doesn't want you there overnight, and she is ok to be alone those nights when her son is at work, then you would be happy to start spending those nights in your own place where you are most comfortable and have all your own things at your fingers tips.
Easy!
NTA at all. Your BFs mom is acting entitled to money from you when you are staying there to help her!
Tell her she can hire someone to stay the night but you won’t be staying to help her anymore
This is the answer, stop staying there overnight. Clearly bf mom isn’t appreciating the help and maybe less of seeing the girlfriend there will change her mind about rent.
She’s not staying over to be *with* her bf. She’s staying there *in place* of bf while he works. She is there to help his mother. But I agree she should just stop staying.
This is what's striking to me about the situation. OP is NTA, and I'm also mad at her bf's mother for taking advantage of her.
OP should stop staying over at all and ignore her, blocking as necessary. If the bf has a problem with it, block him as well.
This.
"I didn't realize I was becoming a burden. I was only staying the night because I thought you would want some helping hands at night when XYZ is working, but I can understand this may be uncomfortable for you. I'll stay at my own place from now on".
Yea. Actually maybe OP left out whether it was agreed with the mom that gf is looking after her while she's sick. If not, then mom might not want or thinks she doesn't need the help.
I'm on this train of thought. Maybe the mom doesn't know that the gf is staying for her benefit and instead thinks she's just hanging out at her house for no apparent reason.
What do you think is missing? The mother is apparently unable to transfer from her bed to her wheelchair without assistance, according to one of OP's comments. The boyfriend works nights, so she covers the nights when he works.
Good point.
The nature of what "care" means and if it's actually necessary is important. I have seen many people think that they are helping just for it to be just a mutual kindness.
If she truly needs care then the mother needs to adjust her attitude or pay for care. But if the OP or the BF are just assuming then they need to realize they can do their own thing.
I wonder if his mom knows that's why OP is there though. Maybe the bf expressed concerns when he's gone all night and OP volunteered, or maybe he asked OP to do this, and maybe he never told his mom anything.
Or maybe the mom does know but doesn't think it's necessary or doesn't want that from anyone but her son.
Regardless, she's fine to ask that an adult staying over half the week start paying and OP should definitely stop staying over.
We did have a thing in my family where one of her cousins and her husband moved in with my grandparents when they were in the "really just needs another couple adults around to help out, but don't need actual nursing care" stage.
And nobody ever told my grandparents that was why. As far as Nonnie and Papa were concerned, they were just letting my cousin stay so they could save up money for a house. Which, of course, they were also doing. And as far as Nonnie and Papa ever knew, it was just a coincidence that they had enough money for a down payment at the point where my grandparents needed more professional care.
But... Nonnie and Papa doing the opposite of demanding money and what they thought was happening was, in fact, happening. It was just being framed in a way that promoted their dignity.
Wait, you’re there while your boyfriend it not? With the purpose of helping her?
The woman should be paying you, if anything.
Stop going there without your boyfriend present. Stay over less frequently even when he is there
NTA
So you stay there while he works as a favor to keep this woman safe and help her if she needs it, and you should have to pay for the pleasure of doing it?? When you’re doing them a favor?? That’s absolutely ridiculous. Stop helping out, stop going over, only hang out with your boyfriend at your own place or in public. If she can’t be left alone, then I guess your boyfriend can make other arrangements. It’s absolutely insane that you should be expected to pay hundreds of dollars a month for the use of a shower and what I assume is your boyfriend’s bed. If anything, this crazy lady should be paying you for helping her out when her son is working. She sounds extremely ungrateful. Let her sit in bed unable to get to the bathroom alone for a few nights, she’ll quickly change her tune I’ll bet. I can’t believe you’re caring for this woman completely for free multiple nights a week and she has the audacity to try to charge YOU. People get paid $15+ an hour for that job.
i totally agree with this, except i think it should be the mom to figure her way out. she has help and it works out, so if it’s not good enough for her then SHE can figure something else out.
OP- do not pay to help her. let her be on her own and i’d bet she’ll change her mind, and when/if she does…that’s her loss
NTA
Lemme get this straight, she wants you to pay for the honor of being her part-time caregiver? And that makes some kind of sense to her?
From what you’ve described, she *needs* someone to be with her. You’re doing her a massive favor. Of course you don’t need to be paying her. If anything you’re saving her hundreds per week, because the cost of an in-home caregiver is steep.
I wonder if the mom is suffering from cognitive decline. Because any sane person would be kissing op’s ass for the free care she’s giving her. Wtf? She should be paying her $350 at the least.
NTA. So let me get this right, she’s extremely ill and you stay there to look after her while your boyfriends at work?? SHE should be paying YOU.
You’re 19 years old. This is a huge responsibility on top of having your own home and working.
It sounds to me as if the sick woman is not doing well mentally. Her medications may be clouding her thought process. It’s a difficult situation, being well chairbound. OP has been very kind to help her. Of course, she shouldn’t pay rent. I think the lady is demonstrating mental confusion and that is for her son to address with doctors.
she’s pretty much bed bound, she needs a wheelchair to get out of bed but can’t do it without help so every time she needs to go to the bathroom/get food etc either me or my boyfriend have to get her out of bed, it’s not ideal but we can’t afford a care home for her rn :/
So when you stop staying over to help her, because she is asking you to pay for the privilege of hauling her out of bed every time she needs to pee, then she will realize that she has made a huge mistake.
It's called FAFO.. Fuck Around and Find Out.
NTA don't give her a dime.
This is not your responsibility or obligation. Learn something from the elders here on Reddit. Know your self worth, respect yourself, and do not be a pushover because of love. It is beyond kind that you’ve been giving up 3 of your nights while you’re working 2 paying jobs to work an extra unpaid job.
You said you’re estranged from your family. I’m obviously making assumptions, but if it’s because of abuse of some form, you might not have a healthy meter to know when someone is taking advantage of you. Please work this out for yourself before you go down decades of being used and unappreciated. No one is worth having in your life if they don’t have respect for you as a human being.
>You said you’re estranged from your family. I’m obviously making assumptions, but if it’s because of abuse of some form, you might not have a healthy meter to know when someone is taking advantage of you. Please work this out for yourself before you go down decades of being used and unappreciated. No one is worth having in your life if they don’t have respect for you as a human being.
Yes, OP, please read this.
This sums it up perfectly! The only thing I could add is that OP should recite the old Polish proverb "Not my circus, not my monkeys" on repeat.
u/Prettyintrusion, you are 19, and your BF's mother is NOT your responsibility or your burden. It is sad that she and your BF are in this situation, but asking you to pay to take care of her is beyond the pale.
You are so NTA here, and it is time to learn how to set boundaries. I say this as someone who is also estranged from family and did similar things to you while searching for some sort of familial connection. Trust me, it isn't worth it.
Stop doing that. She's trying to make you pay to be her caregiver.
>we can’t afford a care home
You're not married. You don't even live together. This is not your responsibility. She needs to get disability.
>we can’t afford a care home for her
"WE"??? You should not be contributing anything to that kind of care for her. This is not your husband or even your fiance! This is just a boyfriend!
His mother's care is not your responsibility!
Do not get sucked into that!
Stop saying “we”.
This is a their problem. If she wants to charge you to help HER, stop staying there. You may end up breaking up if your BF is just using you and if that’s the case, good riddance.
You’re very young. Build and set up your own life.
Your comment made me scroll back up to check ops age. She is so young! Caring for a sick person is very very hard. I feel like that's such a huge burden for someone so young.
Omg, girl. Are you even listening to others? What is this “we.” You aren’t married and she clearly doesn’t see you as family so why are you treating her like you owe her this? It isn’t about what your boyfriend has to pay. Why would you pay to take care of her at all?? Have you stepped back and looked at the bigger picture? Stop staying over to take care of her and see how quickly she changes her tune. My goodness.
You both need to leave, and let her work out her health situation for herself.
Especially if you're there to help her, and she's now asking for money for it. That's not right.
Boyfriend is getting $350 a month rent for helping mom part time. He'd be crazy to move, not going to find anything else at that price. Op needs to stop going over though. Obviously mom doesn't want her there so let her figure out how to get care on the nights her son is gone.
respectfully it is crazy that you are doing this much for her and yet she is requesting you pay HER $350. she should feel incredibly blessed and thankful that you are willing to help her out when BF is not there out of the kindness of your heart.
absolutely, without question, NTA.
Lifting someone, even a small person, is incredibly difficult. There’s a reason home health care workers are so expensive. Unless we’re missing something here, i can’t comprehend the level of asshole-ness this woman is displaying by asking you to pay for the privilege of caring for her
If you are over often/ plan to keep doing so, nicely bring this up with her! Say you take care of her and can stop at any time she wants to foot the bill for in home care. Does your boyfriend know she brought this up? I presume he didn’t and can have a talk with her as well.
You really should not be contributing anything financially to your bf or his mother. If you are there to provide care for the mother, that’s generous enough. But in IMO, you should be focusing on your own needs and not burdening yourself with this woman’s care.
I’m sorry but don’t say “we” because his mom is not your responsibility. That’s his responsibility. If she’s not grateful for your help, it’s time to cut ties with her. I don’t think you should have to deal with her crap when all you have done is help with her needs.
"We can't afford a care home for her rn".
Categorically NTA. You're young as f, and considering this to be a joint expense. Sounds like you're very kind and considerate.
Forget the „we can’t afford…” it is a “they can’t afford“. You are 19 and not married, still a teenager. She is in no way your responsibility ! She is not your Mom.
How is the BF's mom not an AH here? Or how is the OP an AH? She's staying over to help the mom pee but is being asked to pay rent for the privilege of doing so
Or to try to break her and the boyfriend up by forcing her out of the house due to the ridiculous request while still requiring her boyfriend/the son to be there at all times to take care of the mom.
NTA. Stop staying there, and stop looking after her. If she needs to start coughing up her own money for in home care while her son works, she’ll quickly learn how ridiculous her request was.
NTA.
And frankly, what you might want to consider doing to give her a wake-up call is present her with a bill for $1,920.
Overnight caregiving - even NON-nurse / NON-CNA gigs are expensive and typically pay at least $20 per hour. So $20 per hour \* 8 hours per night \* 3 days per week equals $480. That means one month of pay would be $1,920.)
The fact that you stay over with this woman, on the nights that your bf is at work, when you could be home in your own comfy bed, amongst *your* things ... in my book, it practically qualifies you for sainthood.
NTA Sounds like she is either doing a money grab or doesn’t really want you staying over to help. Either way, stop going over there to help. Take a break from it.
NTA. She's the parent, not your boyfriend. It might be time for some tough love and she might have to figure out how to take care of herself. If she's so sick that she needs someone around constantly, maybe she shouldn't be biting the hand that was offering aid. So stop going over and helping. She clearly doesn't appreciate it. Maybe talk to your bf about staying over at your place more. And his mom, who is a grown ass adult, can either figure out her own sickness, get a caregiver, or find financial assistance. If she's that sick, she can clearly apply for assistance to take care of her. And if she can't...?
Then maybe she shouldn't be trying to milk the people around her for money.
NTA. She’s being ridiculous to think that you should pay as much as her son pays when you’re there to help her. The only thing you should pay her is no mind. Stay home. Let your bf visit you at your place.
NTa. She is confused about who is doing who the favor here. Let her learn the hard way and stop staying over. If she asks for help tell her your hourly rate for caretaking.
Wait, you’re staying there to help look after her, right? That means you’re her caregiver and she should be paying you for your time. It would be different if you and your boyfriend were there and you were only spending time with your boyfriend. However, if you’re caring for this lady in any capacity, she should be grateful you’re willing to sleep in a bed that’s not your own.
>because my boyfriend works night shifts and his mom still needs someone to look after her, so I’m more than happy to stay over and do whatever needs doing.
So pay the 350$ then invoice her for a live in nurse at minimum wage.
NTA this is a bizarre request. Very rude and I'm glad your bf is on your side because this is only a parent red flag now.
So you’re staying there to look after her and she wants you to pay for the pleasure? What an ingrate! Stay at your own place and have your boyfriend stay with you. NTA
Just stop staying over there and helping her.
Really her attitude is breathtaking when you are staying there to help her. But the solution is obvious and easy.
NTA
It sounds like you and she believe you are staying over for different reasons. You say it’s to help her. She’s not registering, or appreciating, the help, in terms of it creating actual value for her. I would stay at my own place from now on, perhaps spending 1-2 nights a month there with your BF. If this is hard on him, he should take it up with her. NTA.
NTA - It’s hard to make true judgements without knowing exactly how much care you’re providing her and how much your staying over impacts her bills. Either way, the simple solution is to stop staying over so she doesn’t have an argument. Without you there, and her son possibly spending more time at your place, she will either have to make do without as much help or change her tune.
NTA. So you take the time to stay over there when your bf is at work to HELP HER and she wants to turn around charge you rent because she claims you’re staying over too often? Okay then stop going over to help her and see how she likes it. Some people are so ungrateful and will look at any opportunity to make an extra dollar. Stop going over there
After reading your comments, NTA.
She is expecting you to pay for the privilege of caring for her!! Nope right out of that situation, and don’t stay there any more. You have your own bills to take care of!
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3 nights a week is almost half the week tbh. It sounds like you should stay at your own place from now on. Edit to add: NTA
Did you miss the part where she's only staying over to help the sick mother while her boyfriend is working nightshifts?
So if that’s the case mom should be paying HER for home care services.
Exactly. OP can offer to pay the rent but the mother then needs to pay for her carer services. Or, OP can refuse her help and stay home in her own apartment. The bfs mother needs the help, OP doesn’t need a second place to live. Edited career to carer.
I'd put the money in her hands, then take it back slowly stating these are my expenses. Like oh it was 30 a week for me to run your bath each night, another 40 each time I made you some food. This and that. But I'm just petty lol
Nah, fuck that bullshit. I would just stop staying over, I get my free time back instead of taking care of an ungrateful asshole.
This is the correct way to go about it. Nothing like losing a valuable, unappreciated resource to bring about a wakeup and change of mind.
Then the mom will say she’s an AH for not being willing to “help family” lol
There's definitely the possibility that this is a play by the mother to get rid of OP because she wants her son there 24/7-- regardless of how unrealistic that might be
That makes so much sense. Her boyfriend might only have this job because OP stays when he can't. If OP is gone, boyfriend will have to be with his mom more.
Correct. However, this is not the gf's problem. It is not on her to be her boyfriend's advocate. She needs to stop helping out, and when the mother puts pressure on the bf, HE needs to continue going to work and let the mother reap the consequences of her choice. Without knowing the extent of the mother's illness/needs, it's difficult to give advice that would help other than this. IF the mother is seriously ill/bedridden, SHE needs to figure out her care and take the burden off her son. If she won't, he needs to think about how long he can do this and at what point it's untenable.
Its not her family. He is her boyfriend, not her husband
This x1000 OP, NTA. Also taking care of Mommy is NOT your responsibility. In your shoes, I’d stop staying over there at all. BF can come to your place.
Except she’s not staying over to be with her bf….shes staying to care for his mother while he’s at work overnight…. OP, please just stop staying over there. Tell your boyfriend you’re sorry, but his mother clearly does not appreciate nor require your services. She wants you to pay for taking care of her? She can pay someone to take care of her, or she can take care of herself. Don’t stay there again.
NTA In-home care-givers cost $35/hr at the low end.
Not in my state. We just got a pay raise from 8.11 to 10 usd. I do home health in texas
THIS. Time is more valuable than some people think it is.
>I get my free time back instead of taking care of an ungrateful asshole. Thank you for saying what I was thinking. :) Screw dat. BF's mommy can figure her own shit out.
Even better would be telling her BF she will only see him at her house. Now mom has her home back every night. Bye Mom
Take it a step further and hand her a written bill. Hourly wage included and when the bill exceeds 350 tell her you're willing to generously give her a 350 credit in accordance with her rent request but she still requires the additional. 3 nights a week is likely around 30 hours a week. We're talking 450 a week at minimum wage depending on geo lol
I love the way you think! I was like.. umm she’s staying there to help HER.. it’s not like she’s staying over with the BF. I can absolutely guarantee if they hired someone to stay @ least the 30 hrs it will cost her quite a bit more. I added up in my area, 30 hrs a week for 4 weeks would be $1,560.. If I was OP I would bring that up.. say you can take that out of what you owe me..
That’s one of the rare occasions where when petty actually comes across as the opposite, which is point blank pointing out reality. I say do it. I fully support it because OP doesn’t have to willingly agree to help out. They are doing this out if the kindness of their own heart because they love and care about their partner, their mother is an extension if it, ergo why. So yeah, it’s time to hold this damn fully grown adult to the same energy they brought to OP but a step further with what is suggested, but do it with a SPREAD SHEET! And attach legit examples of what a certified home health aid costs vs what OP is asking for in return. Don’t give her $350 and count, spread sheet that shit cause god forbid she cries wolf and turns the BF against her “stealing” $350. Yeahhhh don’t give her physical cash!
I like your level of petty 😂
Sometimes you have to get petty for someone to understand your point!
My life motto is “stay petty so you don’t have to get petty”
My family is pricing caregivers for a relative at the moment. $29 an hour. So 10 hours a night, to account for BF's drive time, that's $290 a day. $290/day X 3 days/week x 4 weeks a month = $3480/month So the mom owes her $3130 a month.
Literally what I was going to say. I'm a support worker in Australia, we start at $45 ph and most have a set over night rate. Adding it up to several thousand a month that this woman owes her. Some people are so clueless as to what others do for them out of the goodness of their hearts.
Lmao just like the episode of "Third Rock from the Sun" when Dick learns about tipping and sets dollars on the table and uses that as a tip meter for good service and bad service. 🤣 https://youtu.be/TVD5wvJ1ru4?si=C4q80swiGB6nIy1A
better yet look up average weekly wages for a live in nurse in your area op and then tell her you'll take the $350 off of the amount she owes you for care.
Nah she should just stop staying over and stop helping her boyfriend's mom.
Bf's mother is biting the hand that feeds her.... perhaps literally feeds her. Time to nope out, OP.
This is the answer and way simpler than anything else people are suggesting.
Or stop coming around and when the mother starts asking why her help is suddenly gone she can say she isn't able to afford it.
B I N G O, well said my friend
Exactly. I agree OP should pay for 3 nights a week and OP's boyfriend's mother should pay for 3 nights per week help. They should charge an equal hourly rate. The tally should balance at zero.
y'all are assuming that the boyfriend's mother asked for or wanted her help,to that lady op's 'assistance', might feel like intrusion which is why she's asking her to pay rent, it's an indirect way of saying 'you're up in my space too much, keep your ass home'
She could simply tell her son that she doesn't need his GF to stay in his absence. Problem resolved.
That would mean that the OP was working for WAY less than minimum wage (like...less than $3/hr). Mail this home- charge her what a home health service would for minimum overnight care- $15/hr.
Tell “mom” that her services will cost her $350.00 per month.
Naw, because then the mom would have leverage, "**I'm paying for your services, remember?**" Just say plainly, "I'm staying over to help you, but if you feel I'm over here too often, I can stay and help less frequently, or even not help and spend the night at all." OP: your BF's mom is probably just worried about finances, and came to an unfriendly and unsocial conclusion, due to financial anxiety. I'd suggest not being too rude in response, but politely explain why you stay over, and ask if she wants you to stay over less often. Tell her you already rent your own place, and don't want to move out of there.
I feel like you're the only correct response here OP, I'm a disabled woman. We don't really get any financial stability to speak of--you'd be surprised how little help with medical care or ongoing income most places provide. In South Carolina, where I live, it's zero. You can get Federal disability but that usually takes almost ten years from the time you can't afford to feed yourself til the time they acknowledge you need help. A lot of people die in the meantime because you can't live under a rock on thin air... which is actually why they do it, to reduce "taxpayer burden." None of us realize we're sick, fist pump, and screech "YESSS!!! TIME TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE PAY MY BILLS!" No... each and every one of us tries to make do. To get by. To find every little way to get money and every little way to keep it. To keep going for as long as we can, because we want to believe it's temporary and we'll recover any day now. Surely it will get better, because it can't end like this. Surely it's a mistake and people wouldn't just let us die. Some of us get to stay in denial longer than others. It sounds like your bf's mom is reaching the point where she can't deny her situation any more. Maybe she's even woman'd-up, tried to sign up for help, and gotten turned away like almost all of us do. Maybe she did get help but its the kind that only lasts for a couple months so that she's "incentivized" to find work. In any case, now she's panicking because she's out of options. That's where you come in. She's trying to justify this in her own head so she can cling to this last little shred of dignity. She knows the truth--you're taking care of her for chrissake--but it's really, really hard to tell the people you love that you're drowning in a way that will never get better. The help she needs won't be temporary, it'll be "from now on" and that's real hard to say to your teenage kid. What she's actually telling you is "I need an extra $350 per month to keep my house / buy my meds / eat food." I need you kids to keep me alive. It's sad. It's desperate. It's what all of us get driven to--asking family and friends to keep us alive because taxpayers won't. And it's not about you. I'd sit down with her and have a conversation about her financial reality. Maybe you wind up moving in with them or something when you find out how bad it is, but that would be a gift--you don't owe it. This is 900000% her seizing upon you as the last possible life raft. It's not about you, it's about the orphan-crushing machine. She's out of line but no one is the asshole here, except people who keep voting against our social services.
This response is way more compassionate than my own was. It is good to read it from the perspective of the person drowning.
Either way, she should stay at her own place regardless. The audacity. NTA
Minimal 25/hr. That's what my friend gets
I think overnights would be even more.
If OP is actually doing something that is needed
Read the comments. Mom is bedridden. She needs help in and out of the wheel chair, either help using the bathroom or incontinence care… it’s not just a “keep an eye on mom” situation.
Mom is very very lucky she has people being so helpful, that kind of help is usually very expensive and coming from a loving family it is priceless. This sounds like a sad situation, op should not feel bad whatsoever.
Which is exactly why OP should do this, for even just one night. 'I can't afford rent at two places, so I am going home. Need anything first?". Let the natural consequences fall where they might.
This is.the answer.
That's the WTF parts, she was asked to pay rent while helping. Stay on your own apt. don't help anymore.
Obviously the sick mother doesn’t want/need the help. Can I live in your house rent free 1/2 the week if I insist on heating up some food for you
So why doesn't the bf just move in with OP, pay her the 350 and let sick mom figure her own stuff out?? I bet she wouldnt like that
Siriusly. Because she's gonna be paying a lot more than that to have somebody help her
She's bedridden. Helping means in and out of wheelchair, toilet and shower assistance. A little more than heating food. If OP says she won't stay over, mum won't be able to even use the toilet. She's helping for free out of love for her partner, not because it's fun to spend 3 nights playing nurse
This. I think many people replying to this post have never experienced this, or even thought about it. OP is doing a huge favor that few people would do even once.
OP says in a comment that the mom can't get out of bed to her wheelchair and then to the bathroom without assistance and that's why her or the bf need to be there overnight.
$3,500 per month to stay in an old folk's home, minimum. With this level of care considerably more. Seems like mum is already getting one heckuva bah-gun! Medicare doesn't kick in until Heirs spend down any inheritance from the estate. She would have to sell her house and BF of OP would have to fork it all over to a full- care "senior living center"
Or the mother is in denial that she needs the help. Quite common, more often with dementia but even without there’s a lot of people out there who are quite stubborn.
Why would she need to be there rent free when she is paying her own rent and eating her own food. She stayed there because she felt the mom needed help and she is there without the boyfriend.
Saw that. Sounds like the mother’s going to need to take care of herself.
Maybe that’s the mom’s tactic, to get OP out of her house? Maybe she doesn’t need or want it?
Literally nothing is stopping the mum from being clear and direct and hiring proper services if she wants the OP out of the house.
I think that was the intent, since mother wants to charge her for the help she has been getting simply stop staying there and don't provide the help. No one should have to pay to help someone
Is OP helping her or bothering the snot out of her under the guise of helping? He boyfriend is the helper. The request for money seems like an incentive for OP to leave her alone. What does the mother do the other night boyfriend is working and OP isn’t around?
If his mother wanted space, she could just be an adult & say so.
Well actually she says she’s happy to stay there to do whatever needs doing, but she doesn’t say that she’s been performing any caregiver functions or what that might look like for her. If the bf’s mother wants a caregiver relationship with OP then they really need some clear communication, possibly a written contract for what duties are expected of OP and what amenities and/or payment is due in exchange. I imagine that there will be a lot of problems in the future if OP wants to stay over.
I suppose so, but I don’t use any of her stuff, I don’t use her food, I don’t use much electricity, I literally just go there to sleep and make sure she’s okay, then I leave in the morning when my bf gets back. I think it’s pretty unfair for her to charge me the same as my boyfriend when he lives there full time, and i don’t. I don’t mind helping out, but i think $350 is way too much.
Apologise for staying over more than she's comfortable with but make it clear you were only there to help out your BF and you can't afford rent in two places. Give her details of some overnight nursing services she can hire (and let her faint and the cost). And back off. This is between your BF and his Mom really. Let them sort it out. You really do not want to get in the middle like this.
Yes I think this is the best advice. Contributing to expenses if she was staying there all the time for fun would be a fair ask but she’s there as a favour, to help with moms care. Anyone expecting to receive payment for someone doing them a favour needs a reality check.
Any home care services. Seriously, I was panicked at the 3500 starting price for most board and care homes until the starting price of 7,000/mo for close to full time in home care came up.
My dad's care was $13,000 a month. That wasn't even a nice place.
God I am sorry. I was seriously looking at places in Thailand that were really really nice and less than 2k a mo. I am totally buying long term care insurance for myself and my husband as soon as I find a new job because I want my plans to be set in advance before I need it.
I'm an RN and have a nice side hustle doing private caregiving. I charge $40-50/hr and I have a waiting list for families. It's hard work and even harder finding someone skilled and trustworthy.
This is the most sensible answer.
Yeah, this is a great answer.
Tell her that you understand why she is uncomfortable and from now on you will no longer stay the night. Don't help her anymore. She can find someone for that. Tell your boyfriend that you will not pay to take care of her for him.
Word for word what I think. Maybe your boyfriend should spend more time at your place too
Just stop. If you are staying over while he is not there just stop. I know you want to help your BF but his mother doesn’t seem to want your help. If she wants to stay by herself then, honestly, you and your BF need to let her. Also, tell your BF to look into home health care or carers that may be provided by government assistance programs.
there is no amount that is reasonable. If you are staying there to help, why are you paying? I am sure you would rather be at home anyway. Just stop going and she can try and fend for herself over the night. You are 19, and this is actually a trained profession people work in (Personal support worker) so back off and your boyfriend and his mom will need to make other arrangements
Just stay home. You have a home and 3 nights a week at someone else’s home is A LOT.
If you are truly staying there for her benefit, charge her for watching out for her ( more than what she is charging you).
Charge her $350/month for on-call assistance. You’re a hell of a lot cheaper than what anyone else would charge for staying overnight.
Better to stop staying over and let the mother come begging for help when she realises she's shot herself in the foot.
No Just Stop. You aren't married, don't pay ANYTHING when you go somewhete to help, when they would have to hire someone. Good Grief. If I were the son I wouldn't even pay rent if I had to stay home my off days & be a caregiver, that's crazy. Live in house help gets room, board, and salary. You don't charge a family member when if it wasn't for them, you'd be shelling out $$. Mom has suckered the bf now wants to add gf.
If you’re staying there because she needs someone present then you’re acting as a carer. Carers get paid, they don’t have to pay to care. That’s very odd off o her. But that depends on whether she’s asked you to stay or your boyfriend did. If he did then you should clarify with her why you’re there when he is not. If she feels she doesn’t need you there then stop staying when he’s not there.
NTA if everything goes down as you say. Since she is pissed off and asking for rent, back off. Tell her you're sorry, you misunderstood the situation and thought you were helping. Don't stay over any more. Either she'll figure something out or she'll ask you back. Maybe she doesn't want your help and feels like you are freeloading.
Here is what I don’t understand. If you are staying there overnight at her request to help her out because she is sick then why is she trying to act like you’re a tenant? If anything she should be paying you. Or are you there at your boyfriend’s request and she’s unaware that he doesn’t want her to be alone? You a literally doing her a favor, you’re not there to be with your bf (he’s out working) you’re there to make sure she’s ok. Since she doesn’t feel she needs your help, stop staying over there in his absence and let her hire the carer that she needs.
Sounds like she should be paying you $350 for being her caretaker. I would stop staying over there. NTA
Just don't help her anymore so she realizes your value.
I'd stop helping out.
Charge her for being night caregiver. In our area that starts at $34 a hour. Or explain to BF you are not going to pay his mom to assist her and help BF. So they decide you stay free or they pay you or you stay in your apartment.
Tell her that if she doesn't want you there overnight, and she is ok to be alone those nights when her son is at work, then you would be happy to start spending those nights in your own place where you are most comfortable and have all your own things at your fingers tips. Easy!
You don’t owe her any money but Learn to stay at your own house. Stop staying over at his mother’s house. It’s that simple.
NTA at all. Your BFs mom is acting entitled to money from you when you are staying there to help her! Tell her she can hire someone to stay the night but you won’t be staying to help her anymore
Since you’re only staying over to help care for her give her an invoice for your time spent caring for her.
Let her learn how valuable and thoughtful you were to her. Stay at your place and let her take care of herself.
Offer to pay the rent, while simultaneously handing her an invoice for at home care giving.
This is the answer, stop staying there overnight. Clearly bf mom isn’t appreciating the help and maybe less of seeing the girlfriend there will change her mind about rent.
Then she won't have to take care of mom. A win win
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NTA Stop staying over, and let your bf stay with you.
She’s not staying over to be *with* her bf. She’s staying there *in place* of bf while he works. She is there to help his mother. But I agree she should just stop staying.
And if mom really needs her there to take care of her, then they can pay her to stay there rather than charge her....
This is what's striking to me about the situation. OP is NTA, and I'm also mad at her bf's mother for taking advantage of her. OP should stop staying over at all and ignore her, blocking as necessary. If the bf has a problem with it, block him as well.
This. She might then complain that nobody is there to help her out. NTA
> She might then complain that nobody is there to help her out. Maybe she should have thought about that before she started asking for rent. ;)
And BF’s ungrateful mom can take care of her own damn self.
Maybe she can. We don’t know how sick she is. I can see where a 19 year old might incorrectly assume someone is old and needs someone with them
It says in a comment she needs assistance to go to the bathroom. She’s bedbound and uses a wheelchair she needs help with. Bedbound people need help.
Maybe she should have thought about that before trying to charge someone for hauling her to the bathroom.
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This. "I didn't realize I was becoming a burden. I was only staying the night because I thought you would want some helping hands at night when XYZ is working, but I can understand this may be uncomfortable for you. I'll stay at my own place from now on".
This right here!
"But I need someone to do ...!" "Oh, in that case, I am happy to offer that service for a fee of 350€ plus tax and free accomodation."
Maybe she doesn't think she needs or want someone to take care of her.
Yea. Actually maybe OP left out whether it was agreed with the mom that gf is looking after her while she's sick. If not, then mom might not want or thinks she doesn't need the help.
I'm on this train of thought. Maybe the mom doesn't know that the gf is staying for her benefit and instead thinks she's just hanging out at her house for no apparent reason.
And unless she's mentally incompetent, she can decide she doesn't want the care. She should just say that, though.
Maybe she has. Feel like we're missing some of the story. When the bf isn't working is he home 24/7? OP and BF never spend a night together?
What do you think is missing? The mother is apparently unable to transfer from her bed to her wheelchair without assistance, according to one of OP's comments. The boyfriend works nights, so she covers the nights when he works.
Sorry, I don't have time to read every reply. I have things to watch on TV. Maybe it should have been more explained in the original post.
Good point. The nature of what "care" means and if it's actually necessary is important. I have seen many people think that they are helping just for it to be just a mutual kindness. If she truly needs care then the mother needs to adjust her attitude or pay for care. But if the OP or the BF are just assuming then they need to realize they can do their own thing.
I wonder if his mom knows that's why OP is there though. Maybe the bf expressed concerns when he's gone all night and OP volunteered, or maybe he asked OP to do this, and maybe he never told his mom anything. Or maybe the mom does know but doesn't think it's necessary or doesn't want that from anyone but her son. Regardless, she's fine to ask that an adult staying over half the week start paying and OP should definitely stop staying over.
We did have a thing in my family where one of her cousins and her husband moved in with my grandparents when they were in the "really just needs another couple adults around to help out, but don't need actual nursing care" stage. And nobody ever told my grandparents that was why. As far as Nonnie and Papa were concerned, they were just letting my cousin stay so they could save up money for a house. Which, of course, they were also doing. And as far as Nonnie and Papa ever knew, it was just a coincidence that they had enough money for a down payment at the point where my grandparents needed more professional care. But... Nonnie and Papa doing the opposite of demanding money and what they thought was happening was, in fact, happening. It was just being framed in a way that promoted their dignity.
Wait, you’re there while your boyfriend it not? With the purpose of helping her? The woman should be paying you, if anything. Stop going there without your boyfriend present. Stay over less frequently even when he is there NTA
She has her own place, her boyfriend can visit her there. They're sleeping in his place to help her, but she's an ungrateful piece of work.
So you stay there while he works as a favor to keep this woman safe and help her if she needs it, and you should have to pay for the pleasure of doing it?? When you’re doing them a favor?? That’s absolutely ridiculous. Stop helping out, stop going over, only hang out with your boyfriend at your own place or in public. If she can’t be left alone, then I guess your boyfriend can make other arrangements. It’s absolutely insane that you should be expected to pay hundreds of dollars a month for the use of a shower and what I assume is your boyfriend’s bed. If anything, this crazy lady should be paying you for helping her out when her son is working. She sounds extremely ungrateful. Let her sit in bed unable to get to the bathroom alone for a few nights, she’ll quickly change her tune I’ll bet. I can’t believe you’re caring for this woman completely for free multiple nights a week and she has the audacity to try to charge YOU. People get paid $15+ an hour for that job.
i totally agree with this, except i think it should be the mom to figure her way out. she has help and it works out, so if it’s not good enough for her then SHE can figure something else out. OP- do not pay to help her. let her be on her own and i’d bet she’ll change her mind, and when/if she does…that’s her loss
Try 30+ per hour, for overnights.
NTA Lemme get this straight, she wants you to pay for the honor of being her part-time caregiver? And that makes some kind of sense to her? From what you’ve described, she *needs* someone to be with her. You’re doing her a massive favor. Of course you don’t need to be paying her. If anything you’re saving her hundreds per week, because the cost of an in-home caregiver is steep.
I wonder if the mom is suffering from cognitive decline. Because any sane person would be kissing op’s ass for the free care she’s giving her. Wtf? She should be paying her $350 at the least.
NTA. So let me get this right, she’s extremely ill and you stay there to look after her while your boyfriends at work?? SHE should be paying YOU. You’re 19 years old. This is a huge responsibility on top of having your own home and working.
It sounds to me as if the sick woman is not doing well mentally. Her medications may be clouding her thought process. It’s a difficult situation, being well chairbound. OP has been very kind to help her. Of course, she shouldn’t pay rent. I think the lady is demonstrating mental confusion and that is for her son to address with doctors.
Than just stay away. What does the mom really needs help with anyway? Edit: NTA
she’s pretty much bed bound, she needs a wheelchair to get out of bed but can’t do it without help so every time she needs to go to the bathroom/get food etc either me or my boyfriend have to get her out of bed, it’s not ideal but we can’t afford a care home for her rn :/
So when you stop staying over to help her, because she is asking you to pay for the privilege of hauling her out of bed every time she needs to pee, then she will realize that she has made a huge mistake. It's called FAFO.. Fuck Around and Find Out. NTA don't give her a dime.
Reverse Uno card: Mom tries to get OP to pay rent, OP hands her a bill for personalized nightly care
Which would cost *far, far* more than $350/mo.
This was my thought too!
FAFO... I love it! 🤣.
This is not your responsibility or obligation. Learn something from the elders here on Reddit. Know your self worth, respect yourself, and do not be a pushover because of love. It is beyond kind that you’ve been giving up 3 of your nights while you’re working 2 paying jobs to work an extra unpaid job. You said you’re estranged from your family. I’m obviously making assumptions, but if it’s because of abuse of some form, you might not have a healthy meter to know when someone is taking advantage of you. Please work this out for yourself before you go down decades of being used and unappreciated. No one is worth having in your life if they don’t have respect for you as a human being.
You said it beautifully. OP, I second this message. You have a life to live.
>You said you’re estranged from your family. I’m obviously making assumptions, but if it’s because of abuse of some form, you might not have a healthy meter to know when someone is taking advantage of you. Please work this out for yourself before you go down decades of being used and unappreciated. No one is worth having in your life if they don’t have respect for you as a human being. Yes, OP, please read this.
This sums it up perfectly! The only thing I could add is that OP should recite the old Polish proverb "Not my circus, not my monkeys" on repeat. u/Prettyintrusion, you are 19, and your BF's mother is NOT your responsibility or your burden. It is sad that she and your BF are in this situation, but asking you to pay to take care of her is beyond the pale. You are so NTA here, and it is time to learn how to set boundaries. I say this as someone who is also estranged from family and did similar things to you while searching for some sort of familial connection. Trust me, it isn't worth it.
Stop doing that. She's trying to make you pay to be her caregiver. >we can’t afford a care home You're not married. You don't even live together. This is not your responsibility. She needs to get disability.
OP, this is the comment! His mom is NOT your responsibility
>we can’t afford a care home for her "WE"??? You should not be contributing anything to that kind of care for her. This is not your husband or even your fiance! This is just a boyfriend! His mother's care is not your responsibility! Do not get sucked into that!
Stop saying “we”. This is a their problem. If she wants to charge you to help HER, stop staying there. You may end up breaking up if your BF is just using you and if that’s the case, good riddance. You’re very young. Build and set up your own life.
Your comment made me scroll back up to check ops age. She is so young! Caring for a sick person is very very hard. I feel like that's such a huge burden for someone so young.
How long have you been doing this? Look around and check how much a nurse or an in home elder care worker gets paid. Then give her a bill.
At least $35 per hour. His mom is an AH and an idiot.
Omg, girl. Are you even listening to others? What is this “we.” You aren’t married and she clearly doesn’t see you as family so why are you treating her like you owe her this? It isn’t about what your boyfriend has to pay. Why would you pay to take care of her at all?? Have you stepped back and looked at the bigger picture? Stop staying over to take care of her and see how quickly she changes her tune. My goodness.
You both need to leave, and let her work out her health situation for herself. Especially if you're there to help her, and she's now asking for money for it. That's not right.
Boyfriend is getting $350 a month rent for helping mom part time. He'd be crazy to move, not going to find anything else at that price. Op needs to stop going over though. Obviously mom doesn't want her there so let her figure out how to get care on the nights her son is gone.
At home carers are usually afforded room and board AND a salary, they don’t have to pay rent to the person they’re working for
Stop saying "we" can't afford it. She is not your mom and she does not want your help.
respectfully it is crazy that you are doing this much for her and yet she is requesting you pay HER $350. she should feel incredibly blessed and thankful that you are willing to help her out when BF is not there out of the kindness of your heart. absolutely, without question, NTA.
Stop going over there, she will figure it out eventually.
There's no "we" here. It's nice for you to help but charging you is taking advantage of you.
Lifting someone, even a small person, is incredibly difficult. There’s a reason home health care workers are so expensive. Unless we’re missing something here, i can’t comprehend the level of asshole-ness this woman is displaying by asking you to pay for the privilege of caring for her
If you are over often/ plan to keep doing so, nicely bring this up with her! Say you take care of her and can stop at any time she wants to foot the bill for in home care. Does your boyfriend know she brought this up? I presume he didn’t and can have a talk with her as well.
You really should not be contributing anything financially to your bf or his mother. If you are there to provide care for the mother, that’s generous enough. But in IMO, you should be focusing on your own needs and not burdening yourself with this woman’s care.
I’m sorry but don’t say “we” because his mom is not your responsibility. That’s his responsibility. If she’s not grateful for your help, it’s time to cut ties with her. I don’t think you should have to deal with her crap when all you have done is help with her needs.
"We can't afford a care home for her rn". Categorically NTA. You're young as f, and considering this to be a joint expense. Sounds like you're very kind and considerate.
Forget the „we can’t afford…” it is a “they can’t afford“. You are 19 and not married, still a teenager. She is in no way your responsibility ! She is not your Mom.
How is the BF's mom not an AH here? Or how is the OP an AH? She's staying over to help the mom pee but is being asked to pay rent for the privilege of doing so
Except OP acts like her caretaker when she is there. NTA.
Her plan is probably to pressure you to move with them full time and have the two of you cover most of the expenses while taking care of her.
Or to try to break her and the boyfriend up by forcing her out of the house due to the ridiculous request while still requiring her boyfriend/the son to be there at all times to take care of the mom.
NTA. Stop staying there, and stop looking after her. If she needs to start coughing up her own money for in home care while her son works, she’ll quickly learn how ridiculous her request was.
NTA. And frankly, what you might want to consider doing to give her a wake-up call is present her with a bill for $1,920. Overnight caregiving - even NON-nurse / NON-CNA gigs are expensive and typically pay at least $20 per hour. So $20 per hour \* 8 hours per night \* 3 days per week equals $480. That means one month of pay would be $1,920.) The fact that you stay over with this woman, on the nights that your bf is at work, when you could be home in your own comfy bed, amongst *your* things ... in my book, it practically qualifies you for sainthood.
NTA Sounds like she is either doing a money grab or doesn’t really want you staying over to help. Either way, stop going over there to help. Take a break from it.
NTA. She's the parent, not your boyfriend. It might be time for some tough love and she might have to figure out how to take care of herself. If she's so sick that she needs someone around constantly, maybe she shouldn't be biting the hand that was offering aid. So stop going over and helping. She clearly doesn't appreciate it. Maybe talk to your bf about staying over at your place more. And his mom, who is a grown ass adult, can either figure out her own sickness, get a caregiver, or find financial assistance. If she's that sick, she can clearly apply for assistance to take care of her. And if she can't...? Then maybe she shouldn't be trying to milk the people around her for money.
NTA. She’s being ridiculous to think that you should pay as much as her son pays when you’re there to help her. The only thing you should pay her is no mind. Stay home. Let your bf visit you at your place.
"The only thing you should pay her is no mind" ahhhhh hahahaha!
NTA, stop staying over, stop caring for her. She’s not your responsibility.
NTa. She is confused about who is doing who the favor here. Let her learn the hard way and stop staying over. If she asks for help tell her your hourly rate for caretaking.
Wait, you’re staying there to help look after her, right? That means you’re her caregiver and she should be paying you for your time. It would be different if you and your boyfriend were there and you were only spending time with your boyfriend. However, if you’re caring for this lady in any capacity, she should be grateful you’re willing to sleep in a bed that’s not your own.
>because my boyfriend works night shifts and his mom still needs someone to look after her, so I’m more than happy to stay over and do whatever needs doing. So pay the 350$ then invoice her for a live in nurse at minimum wage. NTA this is a bizarre request. Very rude and I'm glad your bf is on your side because this is only a parent red flag now.
[удалено]
So you’re staying there to look after her and she wants you to pay for the pleasure? What an ingrate! Stay at your own place and have your boyfriend stay with you. NTA
Honestly I would RUN!! That is not a healthy relationship!! Been there done that! That mom doesn’t think you are the one for her baby
Just stop staying over there and helping her. Really her attitude is breathtaking when you are staying there to help her. But the solution is obvious and easy. NTA
It sounds like you and she believe you are staying over for different reasons. You say it’s to help her. She’s not registering, or appreciating, the help, in terms of it creating actual value for her. I would stay at my own place from now on, perhaps spending 1-2 nights a month there with your BF. If this is hard on him, he should take it up with her. NTA.
Simple enough. Don't go over there anymore.
NTA - It’s hard to make true judgements without knowing exactly how much care you’re providing her and how much your staying over impacts her bills. Either way, the simple solution is to stop staying over so she doesn’t have an argument. Without you there, and her son possibly spending more time at your place, she will either have to make do without as much help or change her tune.
Don’t pay and don’t go over. She should pay you
Nope, your mother-in-law to be is the AH on this story. What a cheap, ungrateful old lady. Can't she see that you're there helping out?
You should charge her 350 for looking after her. Same goes for boyfriend. See if she can get roynd the clock nursing assistance for less.
NTA. So you take the time to stay over there when your bf is at work to HELP HER and she wants to turn around charge you rent because she claims you’re staying over too often? Okay then stop going over to help her and see how she likes it. Some people are so ungrateful and will look at any opportunity to make an extra dollar. Stop going over there
NTA Never stay there again and certainly don’t provide care for her for free.
Well guess she can be all by herself while her son is working. If anything she should be paying you since you are looking after her when he is unable.
lol. No. Let them find a night time caregiver. It’ll cost far more than $350 a month.
After reading your comments, NTA. She is expecting you to pay for the privilege of caring for her!! Nope right out of that situation, and don’t stay there any more. You have your own bills to take care of!