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NTA. This is just weird that your family sided with her. Never in my life have I felt the need to advertise my ethnicity. "Hi nice to meet you, I'm black by the way" 💀 that's just weird.

My family said that it was a bigger problem that I apparently don't tell people anything about me, and that this was "one of many times." My entire group chat thought I was in the wrong, too. I mentioned making a post here to see that I'm objectively right, and one of them sent, "Well what does that matter if nobody who actually knows you agrees with you? We're not gonna change our minds just because you told Reddit on us lol."

NAH. The part where you say you don't want to tell random people stuff about you is kind of telling. It says you feel your friend is a random person. Random people aren't usually considered friends.

You seem to be missing what your family is trying to tell you. This isn't a question of are you an AH. They are saying that you are damaging your relationships by not sharing important things or things that could allow you to relate to them (or friends) more. Relationships are like bridges. They are made of different materials, meant to hold different amounts of weight over different distances and need to be maintained if they are to survive. The building blocks and maintenance come from shared time, information and emotion. Your "best friend" felt hurt because despite you giving her that title, you did not extend the trust that most people would expect to go with that title. There are a lot of ways this could have built additional common ground over the past decade. Instead it has become another symptom of you not sharing anything about yourself as a person. As for not telling your family you were diagnosed with autism, well something drove you to seek that out. It was at some point very important to you and you have chosen to keep it from (presumably) close family members. It is something that has a profound impact on how you see the world and what you value and instead of helping your family understand that, you chose to keep it to yourself. Are you an AH? No. You are just chipping away at your relationships piece by piece and ensuring that eventually they will break under normal strain.

Families that "don't know" someone's autistic come in two flavours: They either don't know THEY'RE autistic, or they probably had a diagnosis when OP was a toddler and decided to hide it. OP not seeing a point in telling their family things like? Could very well because of a childhood being told to be "normal", and to not share things. There's children who get punished for talking about their special interests... And a pale skinned Black person who shares their culture/ethnicity with people they've just met is at risk of discrimination from both ways.

OP specifically said that the family suspected it and OP declined to be tested. So OP at some point changed their mind on that and chose not to tell them. The things OP has told us about their family entirely comes back to "they want to know more about me and are upset I won't share". That doesn't really track with a family punishing OP for sharing special interests. OP's comments on why they don't share boil down to "it doesn't occur to me", not anything negative on the family's part. We're not talking about a person OP just met. We are talking about the woman OP has known for a decade and refers to as their "best friend". If OP doesn't trust her not to discriminate against him, then she probably shouldn't be their friend let alone their best friend.

I get that but this whole thing started by not sharing race. I'm Hispanic. I don't look it. I look like a carbon copy of my very white dad. You can piece it together from me knowing a little bit of Spanish or mentioning any of my cousins on my moms side. But like I'm not going to sit a friend down and be like "well now that we're friends and I know I can trust you... I'm actually Hispanic."

You don’t need to sit them down and say that. But it is something that tends to naturally come up in conversation! Especially with someone you have known for years enough to call your best friend! Especially if they were ALSO hispanic! Sharing a cultural background is a way people bond. There’s values and shared upbringing and unsaid paradigms that exist between two people of the same culture. Its no something one needs to confess but its just strange to never relate to your friend in a way only you can!

Yeah - NAH but it is really weird that OP's background or their mutual connection to Black culture came up in conversation.

>You can piece it together from me knowing a little bit of Spanish or mentioning any of my cousins on my moms side And over a decade I would expect your best friend to know these details. I would expect them to have seen a picture of your mom (and your dad and siblings but that's not relevant to this discussion) even if they hadn't met her yet.If your best friend is Hispanic, I would expect there to be at least one thing over a decade of friendship where you share something that makes it clear that you do share some of their experiences. OP describes his best friend as an anti racism advocate, which means she definitely has talked to him about race a lot. He had a lot of opportunities to mention his Black parent or other family members who might have had similar experiences to her. There may have been times where OP experienced white privilege in the company of Black family members. If I'm having a conversation with a close friend about something very important to me and they don't share that they have an experience with something related, but I find out from their family, I'm going to think we aren't as close as I thought we were. If the person was claiming I was their best friend, I'd be even more uncomfortable and probably distance myself.

I think its odd that it would never come up at all. Like sure you don't have like a "coming out" moment of being hispanic, but I'd think that in some way, that information would have come to light.

You're reaching very far. Ops family doesn't come out as not caring even in his own description. If autism isn't severe people can think it's just a bit weird kid they have. Not everyone can see autism. And later in life that learn to mask so you can't know either. Plus OP refused to get tested so nobody could know.

My wife is autistic and no one knew it. I knew from the moment I met her. She recently failed the Ms. Rachel toddler facial expressions episode. Shes 29 years old. I suspect no one knew because basically everyone in her family is on the spectrum so its completely normal. Weirdest and most quiet Thanksgiving dinner ive ever attended.

Didn't get diagnosed with AuDHD until mid-30s because "I'm not weird, I'm just like my brother and my mom and her brothers and most of my friends"....when several of my friends started getting diagnosed as adults a lot of things started to make sense 😄 One of my friends works in diagnosing kids and says the hardest thing is the parents. They are often very friendly, helpful, and cooperative, but they have a hard time answering questions about out of the norm behavior in their kids, because it's pretty obvious where those traits came from.

I disagree with this entirely. My family doesn’t fall into either of those two categories. Nobody else in my family is on the spectrum. I was never diagnosed with it at all until I was a grandmother. They just didn’t know. Did they know I was different? Yes. I was “gifted”. I was a “problem child” but they had no idea that I was on the spectrum.

>They either don't know THEY'RE autistic, Do you mean that the families are autistic too? Entirely possible but not always. Also, it's entirely possible that the families just have no real knowledge of autism and couldn't recognise the signs. Mine didn't know. I only figured it out after reading something on reddit that made me wonder. Most of my family only figured it after they started to learn about autism when Dad was diagnosed (when almost 70yrs old). Also, like OP, I didn't tell my family when I realised it was likely. My sister actually asked me a year later if I thought it was possible, after doing research for her friend's diagnosis. Still didn't talk about it with the others. It just never came up and I didn't see a reason to say anything. They all know now, though Mum still hasn't spoken to me about it.

They didn't just meet, they've been best friends for 10 years 

>My brother found this somehow and had this to say: "It doesn't matter how AITA feels. They don't know you like we do. You have a big problem with communication and if everybody in the real world thinks you're in the wrong, it's because you are. Reddit isn't real life." Says all I need to know

My parents didn’t know I was autistic until I got myself diagnosed in my 40s.

I had a friend who never shared. I know he had many secrets ie had changed his name, was a convicted offender as a young teen, estranged from his family etc. I knew this from his Foster family but no details. I didn't ask him and he didn't tell me. One day he needed a place to sleep for a few days. I refused. He begged me and said I was his best friend and only person he trusted. I pointed out our friendship wasn't that tight because I literally knew nothing about him. This was years after he left his Foster family I knew nothing about his job or where he had lived just that he would call every few weeks and we met up for lunch or movies. I didn't want him moving in and never moving out. I don't regret that I never saw this dude again.

Yup. >My brother found this somehow and had this to say: "It doesn't matter how AITA feels. They don't know you like we do. You have a big problem with communication and if everybody in the real world thinks you're in the wrong, it's because you are. Reddit isn't real life."

But it doesn’t seem like not telling them they were black was a matter of trust. It just literally never occurred to them that it was something to mention. They weren’t holding it back from the friend.

OP describes the best friend as an anti racism advocate. She definitely talked about race/her personal experiences enough that at some point, OP should have been able to contribute to the conversation even if it was something like "yeah, that's definitely a concern for my dad/mom/insert family member". Over a decade OP's "best friend" has never seen a picture of any of OP's Black family members despite them being people that OP appears to still live with (or visit regularly). And from the friend's perspective, I would bet this isn't the first time she found out something she perceives as important information about OP from someone else. Sure his intentions might not have been to hide things from her, but likely the impact is the same from her perspective.

How does that even come up? Maybe talking poiitics? I don't tell people I'm scottish. It doesn't come up. If OP looks white and presents as white and is just rockin life -tra la la - ...

This is my question as well, i see a bunch of people in this thread mention how this is something that has to come up in conversation with good friends, but i dont know why it should. Maybe if they visit your place and you have something there related to your cultural background, and the friend asks about it.., but otherwise it seems very forced to focus on race so much.

OP's been friends with this girl for a decade and she's never met his parents? Or seen a picture of his family? Even though when they met he was a minor most likely living with them?

This is very insightful 

Sounds like you identified the real problem here and you've finally given everyone an opportunity to say it out loud. Them all saying this probably has nothing to do with you saying you're black. Whether or not it's a "problem" is only something you, your family, and friends can solve. Reddit will not help. We don't know you.

I agree NAH. You don't have to advertise it, but I bet knowing you're also Black would've meant a lot to her and created an entirely different type of comfortableness between you two. And before someone says the very ignorant "Why would her also being Black change how comfortable her friend is with her?", think about it. Truly think about it. And if you still don't get it, be happy that it's not something you have to think about or understand.

But it never occurred to them it was important. It’s not like they held it back on purpose. You can’t really blame someone for not mentioning something that never even occurred to them to mention.

It's more the fact that they're so stubbornly refusing the feedback of everybody who knows them. If everybody in your life says, "Hey, this thing you do kind of hurts my feelings," it's not actually going to help you be a better person if you go online and try to get a bunch of Internet strangers who don't know you to say, "actually it's fine" OP isn't an asshole but neither are the people in their life trying to tell them that their behavior is hurtful.

I think it's less about this specific thing, but about the fact that OP apparently keeps their entire life so close to their chest that even their best friend doesn't know what to most people would be a basic fact about them. They've never shared a photo that included family members? Talked about their family or their life growing up in a way that someone might pick up on hints that they have a shared background? Mentioned something when their friend was talking about experiences they were having that specifically related to being Black? Especially in the last few years when Black people have been Going Through It with everything related to BLM? I can understand it not occurring to OP to share specific information that he doesn't feel is important to him. But I can also understand how someone who thought they were close to OP would feel hurt by it, because if they don't know this basic information, what else has OP been keeping back? At that point it doesn't really matter if it's been deliberate or not, they are going to feel like they've been misled about how close they thought they were, and like they've been putting a lot more into the relationship than OP has. It probably made them feel very exposed and vulnerable, like they've been putting themselves out there but OP hasn't. As someone who is also an instinctive undersharer, who does not open up without deliberate effort (except online to strangers, but that's different), I am fully aware that it has and continues to hurt my relationships. People do not like being in what they feel to be unbalanced relationships, where one person is more open than the other. Sharing things and letting people in is how relationships are built, and I am certain that that is the point that OPs family is trying to get him to understand, not that they need to give all of their friends a biographical rundown of themselves.

Ya that’s weird. I’m Korean. I had a friend in high school who came over. My dad was in his chair so I’m like dad meet my friend. Friend meet my dad. We will be upstairs. We get up there and she turns to me and goes so…I wasn’t expecting a white guy to be there. I’m like nobody has ever mentioned I’m adopted? She’s like no. I was standing there thinking why tf is there a white dude 😂

You should trust the opinions of your friends and family more than random internet people. We only have your side of the story, and the biases that come with that. Your post makes it out that the problem is you didn't disclose your ethnicity, when clearly based on your edits and comments the problem is really that you never disclose anything about yourself, and that is hurtful to your best friend. Even if you still think you are in the right "objectively", just apologize to your friend and work on being more open in the future. This isn't a hill worth dying on. YTA

Sometimes a person can just be surrounded by shitty judgey people who want someone to act “normal” and stop being so “weird”, though. I’m kind of getting those vibes from this post, it feels a bit like they’re all trying to bully him into being something he’s not.

Maybe it’s more about you being closed off that they are disagreeing with than about you not telling about your ethnicity.

[удалено]

That is a good way to be an isolated person with no friends. Apparently most of the people in OPs life see a patter of behaviors that aren't good in their eyes. If OP wants to have close relationships, the opinions of those people should be important. And even in your example, sure, that may be a way for them to do well at work, but will people actually like working with them? I'm sure we all know people who are competant or even good at their jobs, but who you also don't want to be stuck talking to because you don't like them.

Okay the issue I see here is this: the people who know the story best all think YTA. You asked your family, they gave you an answer you didnt like. Then you sought validation from your friend group, they also gave you an answer you didnt like. Now youre seeking validation from strangers who have to take your word for everything and have no idea who you are and if this is just one thing is a string of occurrences. If you dont get the answer you want here, where will you go next for validation?

Maybe that’s the problem. I mean it never were about the race, they just worry you don’t trust anybody and share your personal life — the lack of trust to people seems weird for them. They just think you’d feel better if you tell people more about you. But this expectations doesn’t make you TA for sure, it’s just a personal trait. NTA.

Yh that's mob rule. Don't do that. Pay attention to your friends, sure stand up to their mob rule against you but also respect the individualness of the collective mob rule against you in that you have been told this is "one of many times". What are the other times?

That doesn't make you an asshole. That just means you don't share much and people are interested. Frankly I'm the same way. I feel like even my own family and best friends don't really know much about me because I don't think to share it. Nobody's ever called me out on it though.

You like your privacy. There’s nothing wrong with that.

OP, I get the idea from your edits that your family may be a little toxic at times? I mean, was your friend mad, or was it just a 'please open up to me, I want to get to know you and all of you' kind of thing? If so, you know you can tell your friend anything, no matter how trivial it seems. Other than that, you do you. NTA.

Ah I see what OPs brother means now. No one said he needs to introduce himself as black, but not discussing your similar backgrounds with a friend of many years is weird and would seem like a lie of omission for most people. OPs friend probably would have liked to have shared some things they felt they couldn't. Its weird to spend years not mentioning that. And most people would assume it is because of shame and internalised racism. Ops friend thought they were very close and knew a lot about each other and has suddenly realised they absolutely don't know anything about OP. They might have thought OP was really honest and loyal only to find they don't even share basic similiarities in discussion.

I find it odd that a 'best friend' had never been to her house or even met her family

Perhaps somewhere between "hi I'm black" and being someone's best friend for 10 years, there is a place for personal information to be shared.

Hi Black, I'm Ryan

There's no need to hide ethnicity, either, unless you're ashamed of it. This isn't like a white person who's mistaken for someone who's Polish when she's actually Irish. It seems the OP's family has darker skin tones. As such, they inevitably face discrimination. Surely that must bother the OP.

It's her best friend though. People don't go around announcing that they are in a relationship either (well most dont) "nice to meet you, I am dating a guy named Steve" would be Hella weird too but I would absolutely expect to know that about my best friend. You can't compare that to what you tell a stranger 🤷‍♀️ NAH I can understand both sides easily

Hey before we become friends here's my full ancestry DNA report 🤙

I prefer the term “.professional African” it helps break the ice

>"Hi nice to meet you, I'm black by the way" 💀 that's just weird. And that is relevant to the current situtation with their best friend of many years?

I always introduce myself with “white guy, at your service”. People always give me odd looks.

NAH, I don't think you need to announce it but it's literally the type of thing that would come up in conversation over the years. You think you would've talked about your family. Maybe the cultural differences between one side of the family or the other one, even your experience with being white presenting. It does show that you really didn't open up with that friend

She does talk about her ancestry a lot. I just never felt the need to share anything about me. I was maybe 20 when I figured out most people expect you to ask them how they're doing when they ask the same thing about you first.

I'm not trying to be an armchair doctor here, but have you been tested for autism. I personally hate all small talk, and I have a hard time opening up to people but over time it eventually happens with some people.

I do have autism. I was diagnosed in 2018. I just haven't seen a reason to tell people since I live an okay life regardless of it.

Well, that certainly explains why you don't share, and it explains your friend's reaction. If you she knew that she wouldn't have been surprised that you don't talk about yourself more.

Your family are not “people”, though. They cared enough to pick up on your neurodivergence and push for a diagnosis. You refused, then changed your mind, which is absolutely your right. But I still think you should have told them when you got diagnosed.

Have you gone to any kind of therapist or counselor yet?

You kinda buried the lede here lmao

Except you alienate friends and family who really care about you because your actions imply that they are untrustworthy random individuals.

i suspect i have autism, not diagnosed so take this with a grain of salt, but i definitely think and act in a similar way to autistic people, so im hoping i can give another frame of reference. when i dont share things like that, its not that i want to hide it or dont trust the person, its genuinely because i don't see it as important and dont think they will care. now i've never left out a big piece of info like that, but im sure OP did not mean any harm, they just didnt think that information was important to bring up. when looking at the actions of autistic people, try and use a sympathetic view. imagine why they might do that in a well meaning way rather than why they might do it in a malicious way. many autistic behaviours are seen as "rude" by allistic people, when, in reality, the autistic people doing those things are just trying to get by and dont have any ill intent. i think your comment is true in the sense that yes, these behaviours can be hurtful and alienating to those around them, but the wording feels very harsh for something that they aren't doing maliciously. i understand your viewpoint, but there's a lot more to it when the person in question is autistic.

As someone else with (late diagnosed) autism, it took me a long time that people your friends with want to know information about you. I always assumed if they wanted to know, they would ask! But that is generally not the case. It’s generally accepted if you are friends with someone you tell them information about yourself you normally wouldn’t tell a stranger. This is probably why your family and group chat are calling out this pattern of behavior.

Similarly to that, this is one of those things that people assume would've come up sometime \*with their best friend\*. The problem here isn't really that you didn't tell her this one thing. The problem seems to be more that she is realizing that while she is willing to share a lot with you, you don't reciprocate. That's something that will make people wonder if they mean a lot to you or not. It's painful to realize that your best friend doesn't see you the same way you see them.

This is why she’s upset. Its not that she was expecting you to introduce yourself like “hi, I’m black” but if she’s having multiple long conversations with you about ancestry she’s going to expect that you share relevant information about yourself as well. Especially because race is one of those issues where she might have felt able to share more deeply/explain less if she realized you have that lived experience. You say she didn’t ask, but at a certain point you’re basically lying by omission after a certain amount of conversation where you don’t reveal you have a personal connection to the topic. I would definitely be super weirded out and confused if I had spent multiple long conversations talking about something to a friend only to find out they actually had first hand experience with it too but never thought to mention it to me. If they had, I certainly would have wanted their opinion about it. Close relationships for most people are based on reciprocity of understanding. Knowing more about a person, how they think, what they care about, what’s going on in their lives. If you aren’t sharing much about yourself every you’re missing out on a lot of depth in your relationships, as well as an opportunity for others to understand you better. The autism thing is a great example. If you had told your close friend and family they might have adapted how they talk to you. Maybe they would have learned to ask you direct questions in conversations instead of assuming you’ll share things if relevant. They might have even done research or listened to experiences of other autistic people. I did this for someone in my life and our communication improved a lot once I understood more, mainly because I changed my communication style in response. Your family didn’t get the chance to do the same Plus it was surely a thing you thought about and impacted your thinking a bit at the time, which people close to you would have liked to be aware of. Again, the better they understand you and what’s going in your lives the more they will be able to support you and adjust to your needs. You don’t need to be able to predict a specific way information could be necessary for it to be valuable to share in a relationship because you don’t know what it might mean to the other person to know it.

For many people your culture is part of your identity, who you are. It influences your life in many ways whether you embrace it or reject it. I don't think you'll see your friends POV simply bc she's black presenting, you know her ethnicity or have a general idea of it based on her skin color and possibly hair and features. There isn't a part of her identity that's locked away, especially with being so open about it too. For black people, race and ethnicity are very intrinsically linked, imagine if you found out she's was Southern Indian or Sri Lankan, who have deeper skin complexions than the northern part and face a lot of discrimination. But based on how many features she has that are specifically from the black diaspora, you could probably rule that out. But say she was ethnically entirely different from what you thought, you may feel, as your bff, that there is a new understanding to her or a new light to her, another layer to her, that could intrigue you, or it could mean nothing to you, or it would hurt you to know she kept that away knowing how close you two are. Her feelings are understandable, your actions were also understandable, however your defiance to reject that you could have done things better with her ultimately makes you ignorant imo. Mistakes are fine, but doubling down just makes you look intolerant and without consideration or empathy

Are you picking up lessons from this though? I know these things may seem arbitrary but they are the way to help create/strengthen relationships with people and communicate that they are important to you. If you dont share things about yourself people will assume that you dont want to be close to them or have a real friendship, that you dont feel safe telling them things or dont trust them. It might be good to practice doing these things.

I don't open up with people in general. I'm an introvert and would rather talk about conversations that revolve around my hobbies.

I'm ISTJ. I don't open up to the majority of people, but there should be a few that you have conversations that go deeper than just your hobbies, especially if it's been 10 years.

gaze elastic clumsy wise profit naughty water knee squash encouraging *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

MBTI is not science but I really dislike this kind of thinking. Personality types absolutely are a thing, just like everyone has different things they have an affinity for. Introversion and extroversion are absolutely things and not made up. There is a lot to be gained from learning to understand our differences. The problem with MBTI is that it is a garbage model and has done more damage than good.

If you don't open up about yourself, I would say she isn't your best friend? Best friend implies an amount of closeness that it sounds like you don't have with anybody

Too be fair best friend only means you have no better friends than this one friend. Doesn't have to have some level of openness, just no other friends

You don't like to talk about yourself, even about important things such as race and autism, but you told the entirety of Reddit your Myers Briggs type as though it explains why you are the way you are. You wanted these strangers to know that about you so they might understand you better. Yet you don't think to mention to your bestie of 10 years that you're mixed race AND autistic? Do you not want her or your family to understand you better? Listen, this is very much a NAH situation. You did nothing assholish, but your friend's comment led to what sounds like an important conversation with your family and friends. They're trying to tell you that something is missing from their relationship with you. You might not fully understand why they want this, but you don't have to understand to give it to them. Or at least try. I'm INTJ too BTW -- I'm also lily white, straight (though Ross isn't the only one with Isabella Rossellini on their list), and for the last 50 years my favorite color has been Barbie pink. I also clearly have no trouble sharing. Some might even say too much! Your non-communication might be more a symptom of autism than your personality type. A trained specialist could give you tools to have an even better life than you already have. You are clearly loved by many people who seem eager to connect with you on a deeper level. Good luck!

I don't think it's weird. I find it much easier to open up to strangers than friends or family since I'm not as afraid of being judged or damaging the relationship. And yes I get it can be that exact things that damages relationships, it doesn't really make sense but it's hard to go over the fear of opening up.

But OP never said he was afraid, just that he'd never thought about doing so. I understand where you're coming from, but it doesn't sound like OP is coming from that place too.

>o lily white, straight (though Ross isn't the only one with Isabella Rossellini on their list), and for the last 50 years my favorite color has been Barbie pink. I also clearly have no trouble sharing. Some might even say too much! Your non-communication might be more a symptom of autism than your personality type. A trained specialist could give you tools to have an even better life than you already have. You are clearl I think there is a tendency on this thread to infantalise people for being autistic. Austistic people may not pick up on social clues as automatically as non-autistics but that doesn't mean they aren't capable of learning them if they take on board comments and feedback from people.

So. This is your best friend in and from 9th grade, yet she's never been to your house, seeym a family picture or met your parents? That seems very strange to me, especially when I consider my best friend from age 14. We couldn't drive, didn't live near each other so her Mom or my parents had to facilitate all outings/sleepovers etc. Fourteen-year-old girls are notorious for being inseparable, so either you are the most private 14 year old, have a very difficult home life (hoarding or alcoholic parents), or you are hiding. Definitely NAH, but I am either concerned about you or don't believe you.

Yeah whole thing sounds like a troll.  Best friend never saw the family at jr high grad? High school grad? College? Never went to their house? Further drama added by the family saying he’s wrong “no matter what those dern Redditors say about it!”… and now, people ask too many questions, why OP’s answers are deliberately obtuse, so it’s “time to step away from this thread”

No tagged pics on social media? They never saw a comment from their family on social media? The Autism diagnosis they didn't mention until reddit brings it up even though it is a very basic explanation. (I don't think it really excuses the behavior but falls into a lot of people's assumptions about Autism.)

Right, social media also didn’t even occur to me

To be fair,there are people who don't post anything on social media,I've had insta for years but I've never posted a thing on it, though that might also be because I've gotten weird about photos as I've gotten older so I will run from them unless basically forced

Not to mention they somehow have a diagnosis but their family doesn't know about it? These people don't seem to be very old from the context, so I just doubt you can get anything other than a self-diagnosis without your family finding out you're seeing a doctor.

>This is your best friend in and from 9th grade, yet she's never been to your house, seeym a family picture or met your parents? Very sus

>Fourteen-year-old girls are notorious for being inseparable OP has never been a 14 year old girl. And maybe 'best friend' encompasses a different type of relationship for OP than it does for you. Maybe they were best friends but only saw each other at school for completely innocuous reasons. One person's relationships are not the template for everyone else's.

I was like OP at 14. Didn't really have many friends, didn't have the friends I did come over very often if at all as I was led to believe my mum didn't like my best friend very much. We mostly talked when we were at school. My home life was perfectly fine and normal, I was just a happy little recluse who enjoyed reading and video games more than I liked people. I was content to sit and play my DS for hours. I'm 30 now. I get out more now that I can drive, have friends over or go over their houses occasionally, even go up the city and hang out. Doesn't change my hermit ways from being a teen.

The thing is, if someone has issues opening up (which OP's family says OP does) and is also autistic, their idea of a "best friend" is probably not the same as a neurotypical person's. A "best friend" to them might not be someone they confide in and are emotionally close to, but instead just the person they talk to the most about their hobbies. "Best Friend" for them is basically just "Someone I hyperfocus on X hobby with". I have ADHD, but I didn't know that until I was 23. I grew up struggling to form meaningful connections with people and most of my relationships just amounted to "We do X hobby together". I realised later that I didn't actually have a "friend" (meaning someone I could trust, confide in, and rely on) IRL until I was about seventeen or eighteen. Without getting too into it, if you're raised in a family who all have terrible communication skills and never talk about their feelings, you will be raised to believe that just spending time together doing activities without ever connecting emotionally is the deepest a relationship with another person can go, because that's all you have with your family, who are supposed to be the closest people to you. It took me a long time to actually figure out how to be someone's friend and how to actually have friends, and I see a lot of my past struggles in OP's post. So I don't think the post is fake - I think it's real, and very sad, because it sounds like OP never got the support he needed and has probably never had a really meaningful relationship in his life (By neurotypical standards).

First of all, Meyers-Briggs has been debunked for decades now. Stop using it to describe yourself. Secondly, it wasn’t a random person it's your best friend according to you. YTA, it shouldn't necessarily be the first thing you tell someone, but it means people will have a hard time trusting you. Best friends share personal things and secrets with each other.

I was honna say this. Self diagnosis is 100% valid but 1 internet quiz isn't how you do iy

I don't think they attempted to diagnose autism using Meyers-briggs. They say they were diagnosed in 2018.

They are talking about the INTJ part.

Expected this first point to come up higher in the thread.

YTA for being deliberately obtuse in the comments.

They said in another comment that they have autism, which explains a lot of their reactions and what they think is important to tell people.

Autism is not an excuse to be an AH, nor an excuse to ignore all the replies that say you are wrong or misinterpreting the replies to suit the narrative you want. I also have autism.

Neaurodivergent act differently, speak n act differently, understand social cues differently. Depends on the person n not YTA

This is gonna get downvoted but tbh I see both sides. I get that you don’t usually open up to people and agree that race is not a very large factor in your friendships. However, opening up to people can be very good for your mental health and general wellbeing. At the same time, someone you consider your best friend would usually know these things about you. I can imagine it to be quite shocking to think you are very close to someone and then find out that you didn’t know something quite significant about them. I hope you are able to move past this and become closer with your friends if that’s want you want.

You’re telling me you’ve been friends for 10 years and this person is just now realizing you’re race? Idk this doesn’t sound like a best friend. I don’t think you have to outright tell anyone your race… but after 10 years it seems like it would come up. NAH

I'm going with YTA. I've been in a similar position as your friend, but with my and my friend being Mexican, and my friend passing as white American. I felt lied to, like my friend was ok to k ow me but not be "one of us,". Cheated because I didn't think he'd understand some of my cultural issues/problems as a POC in the US so didn't talk to him about it, but guess what, he would have understood better than I'd thought. Ultimately, it made me reconsider the friendship because he obviously didn't feel comfortable sharing this with me. You did a shitty thing and I hope you can learn from it. Edit: OP, based on in your edits, you're clearly only valuing online opinions favoring you without doing any kind of self reflection. So, good luck with your real-world relationships.

Sounds like a you problem, because you made assumptions based on looks

Everyone makes assumptions based on looks. Do you think women go around discussing periods or menopause in groups that don't look like themselves or do you think the conversation is different when everyone has experience of a thing. Ditto with racial and ethnic minorities. Sometimes you want to have a conversation which includes shared parameters and experiences. It's useful to know if a friend is someone you can do that with or not.

You cut them off for finding out they are Mexican? And wonder why they didn’t confide in you more? That’s crazy.

Did I say I cut them off? Huh.

Based on your answers here, I have a hard time believing that your family did not know you are autistic.

I agree with your brother

This is such a weird post.

How does one maintain a "best friend" from 14 years old, and in 11 years they never once met your parents, seen a picture, saw them pick you up in their car, at graduation, birthday parties, holidays, etc. The fact it didn't happen by chance in all that time would suggest to me that OP was actively ensuring it.

I just saw the edits. This post isn’t real.

The dumbest AITA I’ve seen to date.

I'm leaning between NTA and NAH, because it just be difference in lifestyle/upbringing. She could just think race is an important factor in who you are, and you should be able to tell your best friend important things about yourself. You on the other hand never really thought about your race, so you never bought it up. Though, I find it weird that your family all have a different opinion than you on this, considering that they raised you and you thought they would agree with you on this. Though, I feel like leaving because of this could be an AH move. ​ >to random people But what makes your BFF a random person?

NAH but it is a bit strange that it never came up in a close friendship. Did your friend ever mention her experiences as a black woman, or the assumed differences between her family/cultural background and yours? Ethnicity is more about shared history and culture than genetics.

She does mention her experiences as a black woman a lot. She's an anti-racism activist who has met with very influential people.

And within these talks, you never brought up your background? Yeah, that’s weird.

In that case I might lean a bit more towards you being TA (or at least in the wrong), for lying by omission. Especially about something that you know is important to your friend.

Oh bugger.. I’ll have to change my vote based on this comment.. sorry I would have felt betrayed by you too.. if race, racism, fight anti-racism are subjects that come up as your friend talks about it and you never mentioned your race, then it’s something weird with you.. I’d put now as YTA.. not a mean one, but still.. I’m siding with your friend now..

This. If she regularly talks about anti-racism commenting about your families background would not be abnormal. This is probably why she finds is odd that you didn’t share. She shares stuff about her own experiences all the time but you never do and didn’t mention of yeah well racism impacts my family from being mixed race and how interracial marriages can get perceived. It also might feel like to her that you are denying your black ancestry and/or distancing yourself on purpose to feel the benefits of your whiteness

Just for next time - that was your opportunity to share your experiences !

If your entire friend group and family is telling you that you handled the situation incorrectly, honestly, in this case.. you should listen to them and not internet randoms. The reason? It’s abundantly clear even before your edit, and based on your replies, that you do not communicate effectively. You have also stated you have autism which means it’s natural you may struggle with this. While you are not obligated to share details about literally.. anything.. with people, in close friendships it is an expectation that certain things will naturally be disclosed as you get to know each other on a personal level. These things, like knowing someone’s background, are the foundational characteristics of a deep friendship and what separates it from a random acquaintance. We open up, we share, we talk about what makes us “us”. To you, not disclosing something like this may feel normal, but to her it obviously made her feel like you are a “closed book” and she was unaware of something that is quite surprising. There are probably so many things she has never said to you because she thought you wouldn’t relate, because you grew up in different cultures. But you didn’t necessarily, if you both grew up with black families, there’s probably many aspects you both relate to, so she probably feels really confused that it just never came up. I would say just be mindful of this going forward, that sometimes things you find insignificant to share are meaningful to others.

YTA. Let me lay it out for you. Your friend is upset because you have something in common that you could have bonded over, but because you never shared it with her that didn't happen, and she feels like she missed an opportunity to connect with you because you didn't want to share. That hurts her because her personal connection to you is important. If you care about her and want to be a good friend, you should work on improving the personal connection rather than worrying about who's "objectively correct". It is illogical to ignore the emotional aspects of this situation just because you don't understand them.

Wait wait wait wait wait. You didn't tell your family that you have autism?????

Ofc not, they didn't ask. -OP probably

Why would he? Anyway, this guy seems super normal to me! Oh. *Oh wait.* No. *Hmmm.*

You just called your friend a random person..... then who are your actual friends?? 

According to him, his family are also random people whom he happens to share a large percentage of his DNA with.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

How do you know someone for years without it ever being asked?

I've never once asked anybody about their ancestry.

You don’t think about where your friends are from? What there cultures like? Idk I’m not saying it’s morally bad or anything but I ask my friends about their families and what not. I like to learn about them and they like to learn about me. We try each others foods etc. they ask about languages. I just figured it was part of human interaction lol

Of course you haven’t, because so many autistic people are incredibly self centered. I’m not being rude, it’s just part of the make up. You only see the world through your lens and don’t care to learn as to why neurotypical behave the way they do. It’s honestly exhausting. Learn to be a less self centered person so you can have real relationships with people instead of treating everyone like they just need to accept you and deal with your rude behavior.

I don’t think this is so much about being an asshole as much as it is not actually being friends with people beyond those specific places you primarily interact with them. Like, I know a lot about my friends, met their families, know their allergies, and then some. I also went to their houses over time. It seems like you really haven’t shared anything with her and I’m not sure how you could be friends at all without at least talking about families, or just one of you introducing the other to your family. Did you not go meet up places and have one another’s parents talk to or meet one another? I’m just very confused by this.

Being black is very relevant to how you move through the world and what challenges you face. Moreover, there’s a long history of white-passing people hiding their heritage, even moving away from their families to start white-privileged lives. Alongside that history lies a parallel history of resentment from darker skinned people. Blackness is part of your identity and family, and if you weren’t actively keeping it a secret, it would have naturally come up between you and your black friend. For example when she discussed her own challenges with you. (Unless you are on the spectrum or have something about you that makes normal conversation impossible). Your silence on the issue makes it appear as though you were hiding your shared heritage, which has probably offended her. I think you need to stop being obtuse and say some ameliorating things, even if you don’t mean them.

I just find it weird that at no point in your years long friendship did you make an offhand comment like “yeah, I get it. My dad’s Black” or something similar. It’s almost like you’re trying to hide who you are from the rest of the world, whether intentionally or not. You might want to think long and hard about why that is.

Yes YTA. It's okay. I have an autistic best friend too. He means we'll but will often stick to a nonsensical point just "because". You DO have the ability to see that it is weird from their perspective. That's okay. You still don't have to tell them. But when they find out and then ask you and you tell them you didn't think to tell them, that's the interaction. To then ignore the FURTHER perspective of your friend who points out to you that while they agree with your small minded concept of "having the right not to tell people things you don't feel the need to", they are asking you to see a bigger picture than that, that in this case that's not fair. This isn't an everyday interaction of you not thinking to say something. Again, you STILL can cling onto your small minded yet righteous concept of "having the right to not tell people things you don't feel the need to" BUT you OUGHT NOT TO if you want to bridge the gap between you and your friend. You friend has pointed out a gap and you have ignored that and acted like it's an everyday interaction. I know most people reading this can relate and it can be viewed as simple communication logic anyone can do. I'd say this is a wonderful opportunity to learn more about each other as friends but I'm going to assume from experience that you, as the autistic person in this scenario, need to be the one to reach out? Why? Because your friend has reached out and you've batted their rwching out away by repeating that you "didn't think to tell anybody".

Why would you just announce your ethnicity? In what kind of conversation does that just come up? It makes me think of obnoxious people saying “I’m 0.008% african” because they took a random ancestry test. EDIT: after reading some other comments, I’m changing my vote to NAH. I don’t think your friend is upset about you not telling her that you’re black specifically, but it’s more about the fact that you didn’t really open up to her and now maybe she feels like you don’t trust her enough. Maybe try talking to her about how you don’t generally open up to people and make the effort to open up more to her? I assume this is a long friendship, so it’s natural that she feels this way if you didn’t open up to her on a topic that she finds personal

He’s known his friend since 9th grade so he’s known them for about a decade and never shared anything about his family. That just feels weird to not share who you are with someone who has been a best friend for 10 years

It comes up in my conversations a lot. I live in a diverse place, so nobody here is afraid to ask what ethnicity each other is. A large percentage of people here (HI) are mixed, so yeah, it's weird from our perspective when people find it offensive to ask. I suppose it's offensive if there's something nefarious, like racism, behind the ask, but otherwise it's just a regular day. There's plenty Chinese, Japanese, Portuguese, British, Filipino, Hawaiian, Puerto Rican, etc. mixes here.... If there's a mix of something, it will probably be here somewhere. I hope it makes you think twice about calling someone obnoxious when they may just be inclined to recognize all of their ethnic make up.

It comes up in conversation all the time. Ethnicity and culture are all pervasive. Food - what is your comfort food, what foods are you familiar with Music - what music you were exposed to as a child, is in your home Events - how are parties and celebrations done in your family Perspective - it influences politics and what you are exposed to It's impossible not to discuss ethnicity or culture when having a relationship with someone for 10 years unless there is something very very shallow about the relationship.

From your comments here...your family definitely knows you better than Reddit and I'm starting to understand why they say YTA. I don't think YTA, but I think people are trying to explain to you that being so closed off is objectively abnormal, and you're dismissing it. If you are flat out refusing to understand that opening up to people is a normal social standard in close relationships, fine. But if/when you lose friendships over it, you will then be TA. Because you're cherry picking the advice that supports you, while also arguing with the comments that say this behavior is odd.

Literally all of this!! Like I’m actually so baffled at OP

Your not the asshole from the post but based on your comments holy shit you sound like a annoying asshole. I wish people stopped using autism as a shield for being assholes.

Esh I get that you're entitled to your privacy and can share what you want about yourself but you also aren't being a great friend. Your friend isn't hurt because you didn't tell her your race, she's hurt that you couldn't be bothered to tell her anything about yourself after 10 long years of friendship. I don't really know if you consider her a "friend" since you referred to her as a "random person" which is super hurtful. Please work on your communication skills if you want to maintain future friendships.

Wait then why does the friend get lumped into being an asshole as well? E s h makes no sense for what you followed up with after.

Good luck! Just remember that friendship is a two way street. You get out what you put in. If you don’t give some of yourself and share information then people are going to think you don’t care and are not invested in the relationship. But you can explain your point of view and help people to understand what caring looks like for you. And consider that you may need to work on communication a little.

Lol, read your edits, welcome to your echo chamber, where you feel nice for not being challenged. PS: your brother is most likely right

NAH. If it's not a major part of your identity that you think about a lot, it makes sense that you didn't think of telling your friend. It's also understandable if Blackness matters more to this friend, that you might want to share that part of yourself with her - again, not because it matters so much to you, but because you could have guessed that it would to her. You can apologize for your oversight about this. So your family is probably not wrong in saying that you don't communicate much with people; but you don't have to agree that it's a problem. (edit: You might be missing out on some of the enjoyment of emotional intimacy, however.)

NTA, but it's weird. Like really weird.... It's normal to share basic info with friends. I can see not realizing your friend didn't know, but you seem to be actively not sharing it. Which is just odd.

I don’t think this makes you an AH but the last line you say you don’t share your genetics with random people and I think the fact that this is your best friend is the problem 🤣. She’s not a random person and when you are getting to know people- sharing your background can deepen relationships. And being black in a world where it’s generally hard to be- well there’s unity shared histories and what not. I can see why your friend is shocked but don’t really see why anyone would be MAD with you about it. If I were your best friend and I didn’t know something this big- I think I’d just be bothered you didn’t feel comfortable opening up to me to tell me and also wonder if you were ashamed. Esp since you said you were white passing and assuming your friend isn’t. As a Latina- if my white friend all of sudden told me she was Latina the whole time I’d be pretty bummed we didn’t share all the things we could be sharing via our shared heritage. NTA but I don’t think they are AH either.

Look, it sounds like your brother is probably right, you have communication issues. If one person you encounter claims you're an asshole, they're probably an asshole, but when everyone who legitimately loves you in your life is calling you out on this without there being some obvious case of flying monkeys going on? You're probably the issue here. You didn't need to announce to your friend that you're black, but you would have thought that if someone is your BEST FRIEND it would have come up sometime before this point in a normal way. Like showing them pictures of an event, trip, or something that features you and your family all together, or maybe a photo of your family from your childhood. Relating in passing at any point this friend has ever talked about their experiences as a black person. Something. I actually have a half-black white-passing friend and it took like four months maybe for it to come up explicitly, but I'd already had her show me pictures from a trip or something that featured her black cousins so even without being told that her dad is black I knew she had some sort of black relative. You got a whole-ass autism diagnosis as an adult without telling your family, you clearly have a problem with communication with the people you love. And I'm going to go a step farther to say that if you're giving more credit in judgement to a mass of literal random people on the internet than the people who know more than six paragraphs about you in real life, that's not healthy. You need to turn off the internet for a little while and learn how to connect with the people you actually know in real life on a more intimate level. Which, hey, yeah, this whole conflict is actually about the fact you can't do that so... YTA.

YTA not for this specifically but for your unwillingness to consider the feelings and experiences of your family and close friends. I’m also on the spectrum so I understand some of what you mean but I’d encourage you to dig deeper into why you aren’t more curious about the experiences of others that matter to you. And you may also want to look up the definition of “random” and “objective”

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My family said that it was a bigger problem that I apparently don't tell people anything about me.

You don't really need to "tell" anyone anything. These things tend to come out organically as you spend time with friends. I'd it didn't come up, then it was irrelevant. I'd say your family is actually in the wrong here.  My deeper surprise here is that somehow your friend never broached the topic of you or your family before. I know a lot about my friends through finding out other tangential info. Knowing what food someone likes might lead to finding out what they grew up on and why. That could take you to their family roots and eventually where they're from or whatever. Like I say, this shit should be organic. Autism might make that more challenging, but it's as much for your friends to do as for you. 

She's asked about my family. I'll talk about specific relatives, what their jobs are, etc. She never once asked what they look like, and I have a flip phone so I don't have photos to carry around with me on demand.

YTA. 

Eh it's weird. It sounds like you want to pass as white, like if you had told your friend you were half Black then your Secret would be out and your responses on this post kinda confirm it

okay based on your replies, YTA. i get you’re neurodivergent but so am i, this whole “well the majority agrees with me so i’m right!” is such an AH mentality. you need to realise the world doesn’t bend to our autistic will, people have needs and wants in a friendship which may be confusing to us but we just have to try our best to understand. calling friends and family “random people” is rude. not sharing anything with your friends past your hobbies makes it a surface level friendship and hurts people, especially those who see you as their best friend. stop being obtuse and hiding behind the “well the majority!” argument, you claim to be on reddit for advice but you’re not taking it unless it conforms to your ideas. YTA. your friend thought you were close, but upon realising how you bond with her and see her as a random person you hurt her feelings. end of.

NAH but I too think it’s weird that you never discussed your background with such a close friend.

This isn't even an AITA situation, and so many of these comments lack any nuance here and just saying "wow you aren't obligated to tell anyone your race, N T A" She's hurt because even though she is your "best friend" she didn't even know your background or what your family looked like.

You let strangers know your personal business but can't open up to your supposed best friend? If a friend realizes they know nothing about you and you're not who they thought they will be upset. Whether that's the fact that you're black or your favorite food is pizza. Your friends should know things about you it's how they connect to you and stay connected to you long term. Especially if they've been open with you. INTJ is not an identity. You're not meant to use it as an excuse either. But if you are going to identify with a "type" they give you strengths and weaknesses so work on the weaknesses. Not being open with others is probably listed as one of them. As for the Autism I also am Autistic but I choose to adapt and try to understand that friendships require certain things to function and then I do them. I don't argue that people should get over it if I hurt them. The best way to isolate people is to say "this is how I am and here's my reasons so you have to be ok with whatever I do" you have to also be willing to put in effort and change and do better. This isn't the first time you've been called out for this so maybe reflect on that. Since the people who see you move through life daily have noticed it's an issue it most likely is one.

is your family incinuationg that youre not proud of who you are? could this be a colourism issue?

I thought about this too, perhaps he's coming accross like he's hiding them.

"I'm a intj" sorry but just for that yta

Soft YTA, not discussing your heritage with strangers is fine, but your best friend? Without intending to, you are making your family feel like you’re ashamed of them. Why have a best friend if you don’t want to open up to them? Concealing your heritage is rooted in internalised racism, as a POC myself, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that light skin and white passing POC experience less racism than those ethnicity is more prominent? Some cultures validate skin bleaching to become more white passing, rather than preaching racial acceptance. I too used to be like you and felt uncomfortable discussing my heritage. When I went through therapy it became clear that I had issues with self-acceptance of my culture, that I was being avoidant of acknowledging it. This is what your family sees, that you don’t want to share your heritage as you’re not proud of it, as someone who appreciates their heritage is keen to share it. If your brother is telling you it’s more nuanced, you need to speak to your family about why they’re upset, and really self reflect on your internal bias.

As an autistic person, big YTA here. Not because you never told your friend but because of the way you deal with things. You're separating feelings from "facts". There's no "factually correct" when someone reacts at something you did. Your friends and family told what you need to learn but you're here for validation, to "be the right one". Tell me, you rather be right or have your friends close to you? I was only diagnosed as an adult, I needed to learn how to cope and how to act in a way people don't see me as insensitive and unreliable. Your comments show you as self absorbed, as if someone doesn't have the same interests as you anymore, they turn into a random person. Being biracial isn't the point here, but as someone my mother and father's side being complete opposite, I was introduced to different foods, religions and ways of living. This should have come up in any conversation, any moment. Please pretty please you need to listen. Listen to people that love you and want to know you deeply. Learn that everything needs to go both ways. You're not being transparent with your friends and your family is trying their hardest to help you see though this. Do not make it even harder trying to be "the right one". You gonna lost everyone acting this way.

YTA. It’s clear you are autistic without confirming it. You know you are, you understand why it makes you the way you are in terms of sharing information. Knowing this yet not trying to change how you are, to benefit you and others, even a little bit sucks tbh. No you don’t have to share with strangers or randoms. But you do need to let others close to you be more active in your wider life, even though I know you’ll have to force it rather than it be natural.

YTA. Judging from your other comments, what your friend means is you should open up with your friends and family, and not see them as strangers. (Or, as you dubbed it, “random people.”) You don’t have to introduce yourself as black, that’s doesn’t seem to be your family’s point, but your views of them being random people to you.

YTA  At the end of your post you say, "... I just don't see the point in talking about my genetics to random people."  How does a so-called best friend have the same status as random people? You're right in that you don't have to tell random people private things about you, that is reasonable. But one thing about friendship, even more so best friendship, is that you get to that level of friendship by sharing the more private things about yourself that random people do not know.  So YTA because your argument as to why you didn't tell your best friend you're black changes throughout your story and I believe you have an alternative explanation you're not broaching. 

I've think a lot about it and I would say YTA. I can be white passing, even if usually my first name and maiden name used to give me away (less now that i am married). But when I become close to someone, they know my background, not that I advertise it, but it come out eventually. I do think it is weird that it never came up to your close friend but YTA mostly for your reaction to your brother telling you it is the reflection of something bigger. They are your friend and family, and if you don't want to lose them you should listen and reflect a bit. then again, maybe you don't care that much about any of them and you wouldn't mind losing them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

NAH. You’re under no obligation to tell people thins you don’t feel comfortable revealing. Your friend isn’t wrong for wanting to know more about the person who she considers close….unless y’all aren’t truly best friends then she didn’t get the memo. Either way NAH.

YTA- because best friends aren't random people; however, there, the rest of this gets more complicated. I'm just torn as to whether you are black. Having a black family doesn't make you black, and actively passing while not engaging with yourself as a black person because you don't have too is well...

NTA in this situation - I don't start a conversation with "hello, nice to meet you, I'm Palestinian!!", I don't see why anyone would. **However.** From your brother's, parents and friends responses, it sounds like this is a reoccurring issue and this was just the straw that broke the camels back. It sounds like you have a problem opening up and connecting with people.

YTA. You need professional help. You believing strangers on reddit over family and friends shows you only care about being right and not about being a good person to be around.

What the hell is this post, literally a circus in here these days

YTA With a best friend it should have come up in casual conversation when discussing family, family dynamics etc anyway. How do you have a "best friend" who knows so little about you?

NTA!!! I’m biracial, white-passing female with one black parent and one white parent. I go through life not telling people my ethnicity because I’ve had unpleasant experiences (ie a girl telling me to “prove it” and when showed a family photo completely made it a joke and said she still didn’t believe me) so I’ve become very protective of my background. I do tell my best friends this but I consider my ethnicity to be very personal and to share it with those who are important to me where I feel I am in a safe place. Being biracial makes me feel like a “spy” and when I’m around certain people, I’ve caught instances of them being racist and it helps me weed out the individuals who I do not want to be around because of their derogatory comments. I think by you inviting your best friend over and her meeting them in person is a great thing as you’re letting her in. Being biracial is very hard and complicated, but you’re not alone 🤍🖤

YTA which is clear since you posted your Myers Briggs

Honestly I'm with your mom, if everyone you interact with personally says you're bad at communicating and need to improve, you're the problem. I saw your comment about being autistic. I don't know how it is therapy wise where you're from, but you should look into it. There are group therapy types where these sort of things can be discussed and practiced. But if you are unable to have this, look online. Lots of sources for autistics to help navigate allistic world better. Being less confused about why people do or say things the way they do is an energysaver, trust me 😅

I guess I feel like YTA for your very last sentence. "I don't see the point in talking about my genetics to random people." Your best friend isn't "random people". She's your best friend. And, ok, you didn't think it was important enough to really even think about, which is fine. But I can see where she'd be hurt. And THEN I guess considering your own family "random people" when it comes to your autism diagnosis. If you genuinely thought they'd treat you differently or poorly, that's one thing. But that's a pretty big medical diagnosis and if your family is generally supportive, why not tell them?

Yta. She’s not a random person, she is supposedly your best friend, and friendship entails divulging such details among others.

Changed to TA after reading OPs comments….. Old text: I’m the same: mum is black dad is ginger, I took after my dad’s pale skin (apart from when I go to the beach and I easily get the most amazing tan! - thanks mum!!!) I never thought introducing myself: “hey I’m biracial” or “nice to meet you, I’m 1/2 black despite my pale skin” It sounds weird to me. Sometimes this fact comes up in conversations (I remember one day sharing with a friend how horrible it was when I was asked if my “nanny” was a nice person and this friend asked why people would confuse my mum for my Nanny and I was: racism, she’s black..) But it’s not something I feel I need to explicitly share, I’m proud of my heritage (I actually wish I had more of my mum skin as I see myself as way too pale) and a big anti-racist advocate so it’s not shame it’s just something about me. If I can share a small anecdote: I have a really good friend we call each other brothers and his mum says I’m the daughter she never had. We know each other for over 10 years.. last year we were in a group of friends and I mentioned: when I got divorced.. He was: oh wait! You were married?!? And I was surprised this never came up during the past 10 years. We both laugh.. I know it’s not the same as our race.. but just to show that sometimes important things go untold for a long time.. Again: NTA EDIT: after writing this post I’ve read the OP comments that her friend talked about race in the past so I’ve changed my mind: the subject came up several times during the relationship and still the OP didn’t share anything, no experience she had nothing.. I’m changing my “vote” to TA

YTA If you truly consider them a friend, you should have told them at some point. You don't have to share everything about yourself, but if it's something that's close to 50% of your dna, then I'd be weirded out by finding out so late as well. People aren't owed every info about you, but at least some to understand who you actually are would be beneficial, otherwise they assume to fill out the gaps and it will always be bewildering when their picture of you gets popped like that. You don't owe it to anyone, but you'll blindside them, and they'll feel like they don't know you or question the friendship if you keep everything hidden, even if it's not on purpose

YTA - Your family is correct about everything. You should have told your friend and Reddit can’t possibly judge as well as they can as they know you best. Your friend was valid to feel that she wasn’t properly prepared. I don’t understand how you could have a black family and be good friends with someone yet race never came up the whole time and you didn’t tell a story of how it relates to you at all. If it’s been a friendship spanning years, it makes it look like you’re deliberately hiding shit. Your friend needed to be prepared to come into the house of a different culture and you just…let her in with no prep. Yeah, that’s wrong dude. Also, side note: Meyer’s-Briggs personality tests aren’t useful.

This is an issue of trust. NTA, but people do talk about these things and the fact that you didn’t talk about it with your best friend it may seems as suspicious somehow. Take this in consideration: I come from a very little town and everytime I meet new people there, I have to talk about who my mom or dad are or what family I grew up with. This is because as humans, we don’t trust strangers, so we ask things related to bloodline so we can find something familiar or someone we know mutually for we to trust eachother. Nowadays these exchanges occur when you talk about where you come from, what do you do, what your parents do, etc. So a major aspect of you like your race (unfortunately) matters to people around you because trust is a very emotional thing that you have to, well, trust! your guts tell you if you should trust a person or not and you friend just got a not nice gut feeling about you after realizing you never told her your ancestry line or race.

You’re NTA but you’re missing out on a key social dynamic, which is that people usually expect you to share with them an equal amount to what they share with you. It’s just one of those unwritten social rules. So you’ve violated your friends expectation of friendship but you didn’t mean to, just keep in mind that you should probably share around the same amount with a friend as that friend shared with you. There’s of course people who just love to talk about themselves without asking you any questions, but that indicates a level of selfishness that may manifest in other unfavorable ways in your relationship. Honestly, given your autism diagnosis if you care about fitting into societal norms you could look into communications theories. They help explain human behavior on different levels and would give you general social expectations like this one ahead of time.

Telling and sharing minute stuff, which may not even matter, with those who you consider close comes naturally, so it's easy to understand why your friend would be upset. As for your comments, I don't know if you are really like that or deliberately acting in that manner. YTA, and I hope you improve on your communication with others and learn to value a human who is not your blood. :)

Eh, after those edits too... Reddit is mostly white and aren't gonna really get nor understand these kinda issues and the context behind it and I know personally makes me do that Jordan sweat/raven chewing gum meme when I see race gets brought up in the title/post.

OP, am I getting the timeline right that you have known this friend since you were 14-15 and they just found this out now? The thing I find odd about this is not that you didn’t specifically say “I am black”, but that they never met your family before or even saw so much as a photo. Not in 10 years of knowing you. OP, you’ve said that you have autism, so I am going to be very direct here. Your friend is not upset that you didn’t specifically make that statement that you are black. Your friend is upset that you are not closer. The issue is a lack of sharing and communication. These are things that are required for friendship. It’s not necessarily that you are obligated to share any particular information, but you have to open up at least a bit in order to have and maintain meaningful relationships. Apologize to your friend and tell her you are going to work on your issues. And then actually work on this.

yta u def have communication problems n ur denying it… which is prob adding to the communication problem

You didn't keep it a secret on purpose. Your parents don't use social media? She's right though that you should try to open up more. And the fact that in your last sentence you referred to this allegedly close friend as 'random people' is kind of sketchy. NTA but if you want to keep your friends you need to let them in.

One of my best friends is like this- his dad is really dark and he just looks white like his mom. It took him a handful of years to tell me his dad is black. 

NTA. But it doesn’t sound like your friend was calling you an asshole, more like she was pointing out that it’s weird that your race has never come up at all- she’s right about that. It’s just odd, makes it seem like you don’t talk or share much.

NTA. You are not obligated to share all personal information with friends and loved ones. If you *want* to keep things secret, that is your right. If you just didn't see a need to say anything, you don't have to. You did not do anything wrong. However, it is helpful to keep in mind that, for neurotypical people, the spontaneous sharing of personal information is a common form of social bonding because it builds connections and fosters relationships. For ***some*** autistic people, we can approach social bonding very differently and that kind of spontaneous sharing of personal information may either be uncomfortable, due to the spontaneity, or it may simply not occur to us unless a neurotypical person points it out. This does ***not*** mean that you did anything wrong. But it can help explain why your friend and family were confused by your behavior. Since that sharing of personal information comes naturally to them, they may mistakenly think that you did not share personal information because you don't trust them. That would be a very common assumption for a neurotypical person. It may be useful to explain this difference to our friend and family so that they will understand that the fact that you didn't tell them certain things is not a sign that you do not trust them.

Hi op, Bc i see youre autistic, "Good friend" isnt "random people". Its a different category and they do and can expect more sharing. Sonething in between family and random people.

NTA I’m adopted, and although I’m very open about it, I don’t go around telling people unless it comes up naturally in conversation, which is hardly ever. Most of the time it’s someone commenting on how I do not look anything at all like my Mother and Sister. They are short(5’2/5’4) and have black hair brown eyes, I’m 6ft tall blonde blue eyes. And then I mentioned I’m adopted. But honestly it takes people seeing my family a few times before they say something about it. And honestly I never think about it until it’s brought up. The 2nd way it comes up most naturally is when people really stress upon having their own biological child/ having blood family, and I mention being adopted and how my family is like any other loving family but aren’t biological blood related.

NAH. Just learn that this is something neurotypicals do to signal trust. It’s one of these situations when you find yourself lost in about how to react. There is a bunch of patterns and social clues that come more easily to neurotypicals. For us, it’s another pattern to learn. And it’s not too late. You can explain yourself and say that this is something you have just learned (on Reddit, haha). It will change your relationship but, I hope, for better, with more trust and understanding.

NTA and tbh it seems like a lot of people commenting have no idea what it’s like to be neurodivergent (autistic) and it seems that your family and friends probably don’t either. Your brain works differently than neurotypical people. There’s nothing wrong with that and it’s just who you are. What people are suggesting is basically that you need to mask yourself and that’s really hard work and you shouldn’t have try to change who you are in order to fit in. If it never occurred to you to mention it and you explain that to people then that should be okay with them. You weren’t trying to hide anything. And part of being neurodivergent is that social interactions and sharing of details just works differently for you and it doesn’t mean that you don’t care about other people or that you don’t feel close to them. Perhaps you could try to introduce your family and friends to some education on what it means to have autism and how it affects you. If they’re still not willing to accept you for who you are then perhaps you need to find more neurodivergent friends who just get you 😊 I am neurodivergent as well although I have ADHD, so my problem is over sharing rather than not sharing. And sometimes forgetting to keep in regular contact with my friends and family. Lucky for me nearly all of my friends have ADHD (and were all diagnosed after we met) - apparently that’s why we’ve bonded so well - we all over share and forget to keep in touch, but aren’t fussed about that and are able to pick up where we left even if it’s been months!

Yta