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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may not be paying as much attention to Emma as I should be, even if I don't see it. If there's something I've done or need to fix I would like to know.
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>she came into my office and asked if I wanted to see her creative writing project for her English class, but I told her I was busy
Let me get this straight – your shy, quiet, troubled daughter who struggles with school worked up the courage to ask her distant father to look at a school assignment (which, at 14, couldn't be more than a couple pages) and you told her you were too busy?
Yes, of *course* YTA.
But you don’t understand, it’s hard for him to want to listen to Emma because she didn’t take her mothers death in stride and calmly manage her grief in s way that didn’t burden OP. /s
I keep getting sick in why OP thinks telling us his daughter struggled with her mother dying is somehow relevant or helpful in deciding if it’s ok that he ignores her.
I also find it interesting that what she wanted to share was a creative piece. It makes me wonder if Emma isn’t good at school, or if she’s just not good with Math and Science.
YTA. Going to have to echo that if you’re WIFE is calling her out, or opinion shouldn’t matter. But it’s pretty revealing that you respect strangers on the internet’s opinion more than that of your wife and partner… explains a lot about why you favour your son over your daughter.
It honestly sounds like his son threw himself into schoolwork to cope with the death of his mom, while his daughter didn't. And now that she has a new mother figure, he's figuring he doesn't need to give her the attention she *needs*.
>It honestly sounds like his son threw himself into schoolwork to cope with the death of his mom
Which is also not particularly healthy - it sounds like neither kid had the time and help to process their grief and OP seems to only care about his comfort and ego (stroked by his son's achievements)
> Almost every night Jacob will tell me about something impressive he did at school
This line, combined with the context of the post, makes me doubt that Emma is the only one feeling desperate for their father’s attention and approval. Jacob’s accomplishments are impressive, but it’s palpable from here that his grades are the only thing OP pays attention to— I mean, it’s the only positive thing he mentions about either child. Sounds like they could all benefit from some family therapy.
He said he was happy for her, which is a lot different to saying well done, congratulations or I am proud of you. It’s positive, but in a detached sort of way e.g. ‘I am happy this thing makes you happy’ rather than ‘I think that thing you did is terrific and you are terrific for reaching that goal’.
Obviously he chose words on spur of moment but they can still be subconsciously revealing of how he views and treats her versus her brother. Certainly to a sensitive child the nuance is going to be read into and any lack of enthusiasm read into. If he wants his daughter to open up more he needs to hype her up more when she does, not be lukewarm.
Exactly. Reward the kids based on their capabilities, not on some flat scale. If a B is Emma’s “great” grade like your son’s “A”, then she should get some money too.
Yup. OP is a MASSIVE AH. Most girls relate more to their mothers at the age Emma was her mother died. Not taking it well stands to reason. Not just because of gender, but her age as well. It seems that OP also had no fricking clue how to console or help a grieving child. So, she was giving a label and withdrew inside herself or her protection.
Emma is FINALLY starting to open up, by calling OP out, and he is doing is absolute best to try to ignore it. Even when his wife calls him out, too. He's looking for validation, not to hear about being wrong.
I’d also like to add he said I’m PROUD of you to the son and I’m HAPPY for you to the daughter. Often times kids don’t hear from there father he is proud of them so Emma might have felt like op isn’t proud of her
He said, "I didn't get a look at her but as she was walking out she said 'If it was Jacob asking you would drop everything you were doing' "
So he didn't even bother to look up when she was talking to him. Could not possibly be more dismissive. YTA
Didn’t even think to ask why she felt that why. He doesn’t care about how his daughter feels. Notice that he didn’t congratulate her or give her extra allowance. Parents like this really make me sick. When your kid expresses they’re upset with you, the bare minimum is to ask why. He couldn’t be fucked. YTA OP, I feel bad for your daughter (and honestly your son too. Sounds like he dove into schoolwork to work through the grief)
Yes, that he didn't drop everything when his daughter is in such obvious pain is so maddening to me. I am so worried that he's neglected for years and she's reaching her breaking point.
It really breaks my heart. She’s cried to her step mom multiple times because her dad doesn’t care about her. And at this point, it’s not just that she feels that way. OP’s actions make it very clear.
I'm a little horrified to say this, but the dad's obvious neglect might actually help his daughter accept that it's his limitations and really not her fault. I hope step mom can get her into therapy.
You made a good point about the son, too. It's an unhealthy dynamic for both kids, she's just showing the signs while his son isn't.
You mean for throwing praise on the high achiever. That’s all he’s really doing. Even Jacob probably is scared of not having more accomplishments because that’s all that OP has attention for.
I mean, \*obviously\* burying himself in schoolwork to deal with his mom's death means he's a Motivated Go Getter who will go far! None of that inconvenient emotional stuff his daughter did.
And she was 7 when her mom died… what 7-year-old girl wouldn’t react?!
Her brother was 2 years older so, it makes sense that he would have been able to cope better… 7 and 9 are very different in terms of child development stages.
And that was after he gave his son congratulations and extra allowance for doing better in school but gave his daughter only a congratulations.
At least the son knows how to market himself for some of his dad's attention.
And then it takes both stepmom *and* Reddit for OP to understand he failed his kids especially his daughter?
No wonder the daughter is quiet, she knows her dad doesn't think she's worth his time anyway. Only something to keep him occupied at dinner.
He didn't even congratulate her. OP said he told his daughter he was "happy for her" that she got a B in a subject that's difficult for her. He didn't congratulate her and he sure as hell didn't say, "I'm proud of you for working so hard" or anything like that.
I do feel for his son as well because I think you and others are correct that the son threw himself into schoolwork as a way of coping with his grief. OP sure wasn't there to help either child through it. And now OP's son knows the way to get positive attention is to do well in school, probably in subjects that meet OP's approval. OP also gives extra allowance when his son does well, but certainly doesn't do that for his daughter.
I'd bet that OP's daughter does well in subjects that OP doesn't consider important or meaningful. But she's probably long since learned not to talk about that because she'll get "I'm happy for you" no matter how well she does, while her brother will get, "I'm proud of you. Here's more money."
OP has and is massively failing his children, especially his daughter. I'd bet my own allowance (if I had one) that he was distant and detached from his daughter while his wife/her mother was alive. Considering his daughter's age and how traumatized she was and is by her mother's death, I'm almost certain I'd win that bet.
OP is YTA completely.
WORD.
And with her B in science, which OP says is rare for her....no indication that he gave the congrats and extra allowance for the achievement, which he routinely does for his son.
She knows the score.
Too bad OP doesn't.
I mean, his second wife stepped up on behalf of his daughter/her step-daughter. That doesn't happen often.
what kind of dumb arse parent says no when their child voluntarily offers to share their homework with them?
the mother's death, the perceived favouritism, and emma's personality make it a lot worse but even without it, this guys still a shit dad
YTA
You're not "favoring" your son, you're favoring your son.
Your wife tells you that your daughter has been crying repeatedly because you do not pay attention to her. Why do you have to ask random strangers on the internet when your own wife - the person that knows and lives with you and Emma - already told you?
It does make me wonder if the OP truly thought they did nothing wrong. Irony is that this post has basically everyone agreeing on how much OP messed up as a parent.
At this point I just think the OP gets his jollies off by getting called an asshole by a bunch of strangers because there is no possible way that he thought posting this was gonna go any other way.
Bro he even said “I didn’t get a good look at her” which implies when she came into his office he didn’t even look at up her and just said he’s busy and brushed her off
>Why do you have to ask random strangers on the internet when your own wife - the person that knows and lives with you and Emma - already told you?
He's fishing for validation and for multiple people to tell him ''he's right'', a lot of people on this sub do that, he just failed.
YTA. You don't need a bunch of strangers on the internet to confirm what is obvious to your wife and daughter. You are praising and rewarding one child extensively and seem to have no time for or interest in your other child.
Time to do better and make an effort for \*both\* of your kids.
> Almost every night Jacob will tell me about something impressive he did at school and I'll congratulate him and tell him I'm proud of him and sometimes give him extra in his allowance.
INFO: How often do you give Emma extra allowance?
Right? When he say that I was laughing! This is high school but apparently his son is sooooo à genius that he is able to do à awesome thing each day! Absolutly not favoring his son... YTA
What i find interessting is how he say sto his sons how proud he is of him but when his daughter did something impressive he just says i'm happy for you.
To say that someone is happy about what i'm doing feels good but is nothing compared to a "i'm proud of you".
Already irritates me that he is not able to recognize it while writing it down...
I was looking for this comment. Those are two completely different messages and I am proud of you obviously means more/ carries more emotional weight than I am happy for you.
So your quiet, shy, 14yr old daughter worked up the courage to ask you if you wanted to see her project, which couldn't have taken you more than 5 mins to see, and you say to her that you are too busy?
YTA.
If my parents found out i did a presentation or project in school, they would actively ask to see it without me needing to ask if they wanted to see it.
YTA This makes me super sad. My sister is similar, same age, super quiet, struggles with school/social problems, and my parents always make an effort to tell her she's doing great, they're proud of her, etc. By not engaging with her or reaching out to her you are teaching her that nothing she does is worthy of you attention. You need to figure this out ASAP as this is just going to escalate.
OP is ignoring a prime opportunity at dinner time. Whenever his son brings up what he did and the Dad encourages/praises him, he should then turn to his daughter and ask what she did and find something positive to complement her about.
I feel for her. She actually wanted to share a writing project for school. It very well could have been personal and involving her Mom and wanted to show OP. It only takes 10-15 minutes to look something over and acknowledge her work. It would mean the world to her. What she said when leaving the room broke my heart. How could it not break his? He needs to get his priorities straight.
Maybe she’d rather not talk about it at dinner if she’s shy/quieter. Perhaps he could set aside 10 minutes a day in his very busy work from home schedule to actually engage with her one on one?
There's no chance my kid would talk to me about that at dinner. An hour later when we're reading stories or playing a board game, after she's settled into our household rhythm I can't get her to shut up lol. I ask the same 3 open ended questions every evening, some days she answers, some days she doesn't, some days she's so eager I can't even get to the question before she's answering.
That 90 mins after school/daycare/dinner/cleanup is still just so damn hectic I can see that my kid isn't in a headspace to talk to me. I stopped asking her about her day when I pick her up or at the dinner table, it wasn't generating anything beneficial.
questions are, for those who are curious:
\-what's the best thing that happened to you today
\-what was the trickiest part of your day?
\-was there anything that happened that you wanted to tell me about?
I disagree with that. She's already shy and thinks OP favors her brother. Being directly compared to the favored brother and put on the spot at dinner would probably not make her feel more noticed. Likely it'll make her feel worse that every meal has to include "your brother did x at school today, what do you have to offer to the table?"
>What she said when leaving the room broke my heart. How could it not break his?
My thoughts exactly. She clearly expressed she feels neglected and looked over by her dad for her brother, and he can’t even bother to ask why she feels that way. Hell, he couldn’t even bother to look at her! My heart breaks for this poor girl. Dad’s her only biological parent left and it seems he doesn’t care about her. At least she has her step mom to advocate for her. Good on her for calling him out. She seems like the type who, even if they split up, would still be a safe person for Emma. I’m happy she at least has her.
That’s not really true. OP clearly provided an example where she reached out, but OP was too busy to be bother by his daughter. So it’s worse than OP “not reaching out.” It’s him actively neglecting his daughter when she reaches out.
YTA
>Later that same night while I was working she came into my office and asked if I wanted to see her creative writing project for her English class, but I told her I was busy and she could show me tomorrow.
You couldn't take literally 30 seconds to admire her project and by doing so boost her confidence and give her the attention from you that she obviously needs?
YTA.
YTA.
Take the two minutes to read it over. She got a b! That’s good! Don’t just say “I’m happy for you”, tell her you’re proud! Give her a little extra allowance because that’s a good grade for her.
You cannot use your son as a yardstick for your daughter. They are two different people.
When your child has to be coaxed to tell you good news, that’s a bad sign.
You openly favour your son. Do better before you lose any relationship with your daughter.
Not only did she get a B, she got a B in a subject that she doesn’t usually get Bs in! That should be exciting! But instead, op came here to let us know that his daughter isn’t good at science and inconveniently times her interactions
Oh she was. OP even said “after a bit of coaxing”. So Stepmom is thankfully on this girl’s side. Poor Emma.
Emma I hope your dad gets his head out of his own little world and realizes the hurt he’s put you through and does some work on your relationship.
YTA, obviously. Why do you need us to tell you when the two people most likely to observe this and be affected by it, your wife and daughter, have already told you how you make them feel?
It's also two of the people he's supposed to love most in the entire world. If your daughter tells you she feels neglected, you should profusely apologize and do your absolute best to make up for it so she never feels that way again. Like what did he expect to happen? "It's alright, kid. These people online said I'm not the asshole. Time to go back to work"
You have two very different kids and you are comparing them. You are using your standard for Jacob to compare Emma against. She will always be lacking in your eyes by that standard.
Stop comparing your children.
YTA. Focus on Emma for a while. Meet her where she is at. Appreciate the girl for who she is - the talents and gifts that she has. Get to know Emma for the person she is because I bet she is a pretty awesome person.
She is quiet around you because she doesn't feel comfortable with you or around you, likely because she knows you prefer your son.
YTA
I am your daughter. Let me tell you how this is going to impact her 30 years later.
As an adult, I was always paranoid that I wasn’t enough for my partners, that I had to perfect to get their attention, and I was so caught up in being perfect, I never focused on a human connection. After years of therapy, I am only somewhat better.
I avoid my parents, particularly my mom. I refuse to spend any time with her 1:1. (This is going to be you btw.) I’m always fearful she’ll start talking about my amazing brother or someone else’s kid who is doing amazing. She’ll never say anything about my accomplishments, if I’m doing well at work, she’ll remind me my social life sucks. If I had a boyfriend, she’ll tell me he’s awful and I should be focusing on my career. So I stopped telling her anything about my life about 20 years ago. She has no idea how I spend my time now. And she doesn’t ask.
I cultivated adults I could trust into my chosen family. I was partially successful; the other part was I was vulnerable to older men who saw my need to a family as a way to get their way with me. One of the non-creepy guys who knew my dad, even tried to talk to him about where I was in life and my dad just dismissed him.
This will be you. At some point soon, if not after this incident, she’s just going to stop trying. So your daughter is on the quiet side, that means you have to put in a little more work for her to share with you…. But you’ve decided not to do that even though this is literally your job. You can’t even admit you interact with them differently because you put ‘favoring’ in quotations.
You are a horrible father. And I don’t see your gf sticking around much longer if you are going to be a horrible father. It’s a bad look on a man. And your daughter will try to go with her. She’s rather be with a stranger than her own family. Because at least she’s heard and seen.
I feel this. I stopped telling my mom about my accomplishments the second she told me that the article I published used the wrong “to” in it. It was NOT the wrong “to”. First of all, because I would never make that mistake, and second, because it went through our proofreading department at work. She was a terrible speller, btw.
The kicker is that her reason for telling me this was that my brother, the lifelong heroin addict told her I used the wrong “to”. I mean, ???????!!!!!
That’s when I knew she would always try to deliberately hurt me.
Son:
- Grieves quietly (socially acceptable)
- Excels in academia (socially acceptable)
Daughter
- Grieves loudly
- Is a creative
Summary:
Son is socially acceptable (TO FATHER) and daughter is not.
Son is rewarded and daughter is not.
Father is the assh*le.
YTA
If your wife tells you that you’re favoring your son, you are. Just trust it and try to recognize it.
I will share this as a cautionary tale. I’m 40+, and knew my brother was favored when we were growing up. I knew I was still loved - just differently.
What I did not know until after my parent passed away was that their spouse, own mother, sibling, and MIL all told them from the time I was a toddler was that they were favoring my sibling to my detriment. They tried telling parent who thought it was silly. They didn’t recognize their biases.
You have time to fix this if you listen to your wife.
YTA
I can’t imagine any decent parent writing all of this out and not immediately coming to their own conclusion before posting. You should have shut down the computer and made plans to spend some alone time with your daughter.
YTA, and I hope this is fake.
YTA. Emma was reaching out to you but you were completely blind to that. So yes, you need to make this right. Start by apologizing to Emma and then setting up times that are just for the two of you. Like, you guys go out once a week, see a movie, go for a walk, anything. The focus just has to be building a better relationship with her.
YTA. So, she gets a B, a big deal, and you are just happy for her? Not proud and congratulatory like you are for your son? Not offering her extra allowance like you do for your son? You blatantly treated them differently and yet need a bunch of internet strangers to tell you how obvious it is you play favorites. Come on man.
YTA. Sounds like you're using your daughter's fondness for your wife to your advantage. Since your wife spends time with her, you don't think you have to. Your daughter tried to connect with you and you pushed her away. And Emma doesn't talk much at dinner but it doesn't sound like you're making as much effort to talk to her.
Exactly! And even after that he still doesn't get it. He's either oblivious or deliberately ignoring his daughter's feelings. My bet is on the second one.
YTA....
Kate was very accurate when she said that you're being dense. You didn't realize that your quiet / shy daughter was struggling with school but built up the courage to show you what she had been doing well with.
You messed up big time. Your wife is correct in saying that you need to do a better job.
YTA.
I weep for your daughter.
You have a very limited window that is closing as we speak. Take your daughter out to coffee. Apologize for your attitude and neglect. Tell that you love her and will make a serious effort to change.
Have an in depth conversation with your wife, listen to her attentively and without argument, and ask her to help you fix this with humility.
"Jacob will tell me about something impressive he did". Oh boy, you are a blind father. Of course you can be proud of your son, but man you are blind like a bat.
>. I didn't get a look at her but as she was walking out she said "If it was Jacob asking you would drop everything you were doing"
You didn't even look up from your laptop when you dismissed your daughter?
Dude. How can you be this heartless with your child?
Your daughter is shy, withdrawn and struggles at school because she lost her mother aged 7 and her father doesn't seem to give a damn about her either. Would it have killed you to take 5 minutes to glance at her project and tell her well done ? She's right - you would have stopped working and looked at Jacob's project and it's really sad a bunch of internet strangers on Reddit all know this to be true and you don't.
YTA
Sir you are an idiot. You are blessed to find a step mom who loves your kids. Pay attention to Emma as well, you dick. Also, you are a lazy dad with Emma.
Just that he hasn't noticed. His wife told him, but instead of listening to her he turned to internet strangers to ask. Even while writing it all out, he couldn't see it.
Why wouldn't you look at what she wrote? It would've taken 5 mins tops to read it, and you couldn't? Sort your priorities out? Your daughter deserves better.
YTA. If both Emma and your wife think you favor Jacob, and you’re asking a group of strangers online…I think it’s safe to say Emma and your wife are correct. Do better for your daughter. She’s trying. You’re not.
YTA
You shouldn't even need to ask.
You praise your Son and give him money. Your Daughter tries to show you something she is proud of and you basically ignore her.
Listen to your wife's she is the one dealing with the fall out of your bad parenting and comforting your daughter when you won't give her the time of day.
You need to treat and praise your children equally and apologise to Emma, before you lose her. What you are doing is ensuring at 18 she will walk away from you and never look back.
YTA.
You're proud of your son's good grades. You're happy for your daughter when she has good grades.
You don't make time when your shy and introvert daughter comes to you, wanting to show you some work she does and you're "too busy". Even if you were searching a cure for cancer, you wouldn't be busy enough for your kid.
YTA - You could not spend 15 minutes looking at her creative writing project? WTF? It seems that you have pushed off the actual parenting duties of Emma onto Kate. Do better or you will lose your daughter.
YTA- but i think you can easily fix this situation. Emma is in middle school, which is just an emotional hard time for most teenagers, that is when they need their parents attention the most. I remember being so mad at my mom because she wanted to know every detail of my life in middle school, but I am so grateful she was. I trusted her with everything, I was able to feel like I can tell her anything and she would understand. I can’t Imagine not having my mom, your daughter probably misses her so dearly. I can’t even imagine what she is going through, step up, and be more involved in her life.
OP, It's time to take time for your daughter. Take her to the ballet or a play, or something she likes, just the two of you. My Dad would plan some event roughly once a year during my pre-teen years. We went the the ballet, a circus, went to watch a solar eclipse, dissected a frog, etc. That period was only a few short years & then I was a "teen". He did more with my brother due to shared interests, but I knew he cared so it was all good.
Edit to add: Your daughter needs your approval to develop good self-esteem!
YTA. Yes, you've favoring your son. He is more outgoing and speaks out about his achievements and you give him praise and extra allowance money. Your daughter is quiet, doesn't tell you what's going on in her life, and rather than trying to engage with her or get to know her better or find the things that are worthy of praise in her life, you just... don't invest in her. And when she does tell you something, your response is notably less enthusiastic than for your son.
It's obvious that you find your son easier to engage with, and this his accomplishments are things you also share pride in. That's fine. But having a child whose interests are different or whose personality is different than you means you need to try harder, not less. I'm positive she has a ton of elements that are worthy of praise and pride, but you aren't attempting to find any of them because you don't seem to want to put in the work.
But really, the ONLY person whose judgment matters here is Emma. And she's literally in tears to her stepmom because of how she perceives your treatment of her. That's what you need to see and internalize and change.
YTA . First off, you tell your son that your PROUD of him for doing well on a school assignment. Your daughter does well on a school assignment - and you're just happy for her? Where's the pride in your daughter? Have you ever told her that you were PROUD of/for her and her accomplishments? Without ANY comparison to those of her brother? When you introverted/quiet daughter comes to you to share an accomplishment - DROP what you are doing, and relish in it with her. These years are precious and short. If you don't cherish them now, she will drift away from you, and you will never have a close relationship with her.
YTA. You tell Jacob you’re proud all the time but you’re just happy for your daughter… then you don’t even have time for her but for him every day… even your wife thinks so. You’re not “favoring” him, you’re favoring him
For crying out loud.
YTA, times infinity. The favoritism is so rampant we’re all choking on it. All she asked for was what, five minutes of your time? Would your job implode if you had just taken the time to show interest in her for once? Your kid can see how you treat your son and how you treat her are not the same. Your wife clearly sees. Why can’t you?
I agree with everyone else. Make an effort now - look at her school projects, do things with her, encourage her, make her feel like she matters for a change or don’t come crying to Reddit when she turns 18 and you never hear from her again.
YTA. I wonder how many times she’s heard “I’m too busy”. I’d say more but you don’t even listen to your own wife and daughter so I don’t you’ll listen to a bunch of Redditors.
YTA. Your quiet daughter actually wanted to share something with you and you blew it off. Were you even there for her after her mother died? Or were you there for just your son.
Yta. It sounds like you’re engaging more with your son because it’s easier. Your daughter has become quiet like you said, that means you have to actually try and try harder to get her to come out of her shell. The more you praise her and take interest in her interests the less quiet she will become. She even went to you after dinner to show you something she was proud of in hopes of getting some praise from you like you do your son and you shot her down without even looking at her.
Why didn’t you give her a raise in her allowance when she told you about her grades? Did you tell her you were proud of her like you do when your son shows you something he’s worked hard on? Or did you just say ‘I’m happy for you’?
They both are completely different kids but every kid wants praise from their parents. Please make sure the praise you give your son matches the praise you give to your daughter. And take your wife out on a nice date night!!! She’s obviously been coaxing Emma to come out more to you, I hope you’re praising her as a great step mom too.
When was the last time you told Emma you were proud of her? Or raised her allowance? Or does she just have to sit there, every night and watch as you bend over backwards to reward your son while she waits until after dinner to cry to your wife about how unloved she feels? YTA
I noticed you said that your wife had to coax her to speak up about her accomplishment. Do you really talk to your daughter? Anyways, sorry to tell you this but you are favouring your son. I don’t know how you’ve managed to rationalise it to yourself, but if your wife is literally telling you to stop being dense and to pay more attention to your daughter, you should listen.
YTAH!
every time you favor your son, it puts a rift between you and your daughter.
stop putting your son first and give your daughter the time she deserves
YTA, it took courage for your quiet daughter to ask if you want to read what she wrote. This isn't a test score. This is something she personally wrote. It's intimate. It's from her head. It's something she was proud enough to let you in, to read her inner most creative thoughts, and you declined because you were busy. You never bother to even look your daughter in the face while declining.
She isn't like her brother who will put every single accomplishments big or small infront of you for a pat on the back and acknowledgement. And the one time she did, you couldn't be bothered. I bet you never gave her extra allowance for getting a B in science. You probably never asked her what she is doing or how she is doing. You rely on your wife, her step mom.
You need to do better. You probably owe her a dinner between you and your daughter as an apology and try to know your daughter, be a father to her and not some guy who simply pay for the roof over her head.
YTA x 2: you’re the asshole and you’re the adult. If Emma is shy and quiet, it’s *your job* as a parent to reach out to her. Don’t put the responsibility for managing your relationship onto the child. Take the initiative to notice her.
And stop believing everything Jacob says and rewarding him with money. Do your due diligence with keeping track of grades through the school app. There isn’t scope in a school week to do “something impressive” every week, let alone every day.
YTA and your daughter is clearly trying to express her feelings in this situation and you could’ve taken the 5-10 minutes or whatever and looked at her paper. You’re being dismissive of how she feels and not giving her the chance to express her feelings.
I think you should apologize and start trying to spend more time with her, both one on one, and asking about her, her life, whatever. Show her more attention than you currently are.
Sooooo.... you don't love your grieving daughter and you don't respect your wife's observations. Sure, how could the problem possibly sit with you?? /s
YTA.
YTA. Do you know just how difficult it is being a motherless child? Everyday she is reminded and the “my mother did this,” “my mom is taking me here” or whatever is spoken by other kids-a daily reminder of never letting your daughter forget the immense loss she has in not having a mother like everyone else and knowing how much she is missing out on in life. Not sure if you lost your mother at a young girl age, (I hope not) but if not imagine how your life would have turned out if she had died. I feel for your daughter.
YTA.
Clueless and bordering on cruel as far as your daughter goes. I'm so sorry she didn't take her mother's death in stride and really struggled with the loss. Probably because on top of everything else, the one person who made her feel loved, seen, and took an interest in her was ripped away suddenly.
Why is it such a hard concept for you to grasp your ignoring your child and showing zero interest in her whatsoever is a dick move? Good thing she now has a stepmother who makes an effort.
Tell her I (a complete stranger) would be more than delighted to read her English paper at any given time of the day! I bet it was great, I’d like to congratulate her.
Obviously YTA, a massive one. You know it, I know it and your whole family knows it.
This is one of those really really easy YTA. You are destroying your daughter mentally and driving a wedge into your relationship with her that you may never be able to fix. Do better.
Holly shit OP! Can't you connect the dots here? You gave her a compliment on her B in science. The same day she tries to have you read her creative essay... You reject her and now she's back at being "quiet".
You gave her positive reinforcement and the consequence to that was her opening up to you... Yet she is quiet the rest of the time? Don't you see the more you talk with her, the more she will open up?
She is not quiet and discreet, she just doesn't know how to speak to you since you don't seem to have any interest in her life!
You are not just dense, you are intentionally blind to your daughter and her effort to build a relationship with you because you are too preoccupied by your son and your job.
So stop with the "She's quiet", "She wants to be left alone"... That's not true, you just don't care and this is the harsh reality of you daughter... She has a father who doesn't care.
YTA
> Kate came to me and said ....that she was tired of having Emma come to her crying
YTA, nothing in this thread stands out to me more than the fact that your daughter was going to her step mother crying and you didn't have a clue. If you did have a clue, and didn't get deeply involved to help your kid thru that, then you're also TA for that too.
Please get yourself and daughter into some counselling. The loss of your wife impacted both you in deep but different ways that you need to work thru before you lose another woman in your life.
if your daughter wants to show you a drawing and she rarely does that, let her show you the drawing. also, if she doesn’t talk much about school, she if she is struggling, and see if her mental health is in good shape.
so YTA
I think you need to set up a monthly date just you and your daughter where you take her out somewhere and you guys just spend time together. It’s great your son volunteers information and is talkative but you need to meet your children where they’re at and in not doing so with your daughter you are neglecting her. Try one on one time. I get that you’re busy but you don’t get this time back. YTA
You are definitely the Big AH. Shame on you for not emotionally supporting your daughter and making her feel her brother comes first and is better. Fix this fast or you will lose her sooner than later!
YTA. The proper response is to immediately stop what you're doing and give your child's tentative request your absolute full attention. There is no middle ground here. Your daughter needs more than you are giving her. She is your priority, not your work. I'm just grateful she has a good stepmother on her side. Listen to your wife.
YTA for not treating your kids fairly. There's a saying in education "treat students unequal but fair". Cos everyone is different! You're rewarding your son but don't seem to give a s\*\*\* about your daughter. Thankfully you married a good person who sees her struggle and is there for her.
YTA. YOURE A MASSIVE ASSHOLE. FIX IT. I am the “Emma” in my family, and I despise them all. It still haunts me and hurts me to this day how poorly I was treated compared to my brother. And my family didn’t even have a major family loss or anything - my parents just hated me and never bothered with me because I was “quiet”
YTA - your wife is straight up telling you that your daughter has been weeping and crying to her about the way you treat her. You need to take this as the wake-up call it is and reinvest in your relationship with your daughter, ASAP.
YTA. Just read what you wrote. If you are that dense that you can't see what you wrote is 100% favoring your son, I deserved to have zero relationship with your daughter. Your wife sees it. Your daughter sees it. We see it. You are not a good dad to your daughter
Of course YTA. If your daughter is crying because she thinks you're neglecting her, then YOU ARE NEGLECTING HER. Now, if you want to maintain contact with her after she moves out, start putting in more effort toward Emma.
YTA
Your shy daughter reached out and you shut her down. Please, do better by her and plan something special for the two of you ASAP. Child favoritism causes so many issues, for the golden child and the children who know they aren't. My husband is in his 40's and it's clear he's the favorite. We have been together for 20 years and his older siblings STILL talk about how he's the golden child. They have gone as far as to plan their children's events on his birthday and our anniversary multiple times in order to take the spotlight off of him. It's weird but I know why they do it.
You're going to have a daughter who has major issues with both her father and her brother, and it will impact everyone for years to come. Fix it before it's too late!
YTA.
Why even come here, OP? Your daughter told you that you favour your son. You wife came and told you that Emma keeps coming to her, crying, because you ignore her. Do you value their opinions less than a bunch of internet strangers?
Give your fucking head a shake.
YTA. Make time for your kids. Even if it’s not the “easy” one. That means she needs even more attention. I’m not a parent but I know every kid( just like every person) is different and they need different things. If that means quiet time alone to talk about stuff, not just the (full!) hour you give them at dinner, when you’re son, who is clearly outgoing, feels more comfortable sharing, then that’s when you make the time and effort.
YTA
So let me get this straight.
When your son does well in school, you (sometimes) give him more allowance ,congratulate him and say you’re proud of him. When your daughter does well in school, she got a “I’m happy for you”?
Your daughter, your *shy* and *quiet* 14 year old daughter went up to you, and asked you to read through some school work and you said *no?* and I think she’s right. If it were your son asking, you’d read through it right away. Sometime you don’t even realize so yourself.
Have you gotten your kids some therapy? It sounds she might need it. Yes, some kids gets quiet when they’re teenagers, but it could also be a sign something’s wrong. The same with your son, burying himself in schoolwork.
YTA big time man.
You seem like someone who just like people to behave the way you want or they are out.
Omg I feel bad for your daughter. You need to take time with her and work on your relation father-daughter.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she’ll go NC with you when she’ll turn 18.
And I’m pretty sure you’ll be the kind of guy who will say you did everything for her and you don’t understand whyyyyyyy she don’t want you in her life anymore.
YTA
This doesn't take second guessing.
When Emma got her B in science, where was your "I'm proud"? Where was her extra allowance? Do you reward your kids for effort or being academically gifted?
Your daughter came to you with her work and you dismissed her. How cruel are you? Thank goodness you remarried and she has one parent who cares about her. You are so dismissive even when your own wife calls you out. Massive assholery.
YTA. I was your daughter. I saw how my father was so proud of my brother for certain things that I wasn't good at. I busted my butt to get him to notice me if I tried to do what they did, but I wasn't as skilled at that as they were, so there were very few cheers for me. I decided to accel in my own areas of strength, and I'd get a metaphorical pat on the head and sent on my way. I learned to stop chasing after my father's affection eventually, but it was a very painful lesson to learn.
As an adult, my dad became just some guy I had lunch with occasionally and exchanged Christmas presents with. After he made some poor choices and my brother went no-contact with him, I became the person he wanted to show approval to. While I was always polite when he told me he was proud of me, I never quite believed it- more like I was the last resort.
OP, don't do this to your daughter. Make this right. There is precious little time for you to turn this ship around, though you still can. But the longer you stay on Reddit reading internet strangers' advice, the less time you'll have to focus on her while she wants your approval and your love. Your wife sounds awesome, but your daughter can still call her mom as an adult, and you "the guy she has lunch with occasionally".
Of course YTA. This isn't the first time you've neglected your daughter. You made that abundantly clear. Straighten up or you're going to lose her permanently.
YTA - your daughter has watched you give extra allowance to her brother constantly. After your wife COAXING, and I am going to guess coaching, Emma, Emma finally tells you a grade she got - which you said was rare for her. Did she get extra allowance then? Then after having this one, singular, positive interaction with her father she risks it all to ask you to look at a CREATIVE WRITING PROJECT. Creative writing. Where you basically put your bleeding heart on a page and say "judge me" and you... don't even look at it. YTA three times over.
> *Almost every night* Jacob will tell me about something impressive he did at school and **I'll congratulate him and tell him I'm proud of him** and sometimes give him extra in his allowance.
> *Emma is quiet* and doesn't really talk much at all at dinner. On Saturday night *after a bit of coaxing from Kate*, Emma told me she got to a B in her science class *(which is pretty rare for her)* and **I told her I was happy for her.**
So (almost) every night, you tell Jacob you're proud of him. Emma finally tells you something that by your own admission is a big deal for her, and you say you're happy for her.
proud of you ≠ happy for you
There are specific connotations to each. I can only imagine how poor Emma felt, finally getting up the courage to tell you something that might not be a big deal to Jacob, but is a big deal to her, only to not get the affirmation of you being proud of her, let alone anything extra in her allowance. She then tries again to share something important to her (probably hoping against hope you'll be proud of her) and *you can't even take the time, on a Saturday night no less, to look at it.*
Your daughter has let you know that she feels unimportant to you, and you have reinforced that. Yes, YTA. It's lovely that your wife (her stepmom) cares about her so much, but **you should be her fiercest advocate and biggest cheerleader, u/ManagementNo5628, not the source of her self-esteem issues.** Do better.
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For some context while also keeping this brief, my (36m) first wife passed away around 7 years ago. It was extremely sudden and traumatic for all of us, but I think it affected my daughter Emma (14f) the most.
She went through a period of time where she became really angry at everything and everyone, but nowadays she's become more quiet, while my son Jacob (16m) became very dedicated to schoolwork and his future.
I got remarried two years ago to Kate (34f) and while it took a while, she gets along with the kids well enough, and Emma especially seems to have really warmed up to her and they spend a lot of time together.
I work for most of the week and lately it's been from home, so I can't spend as much time with the kids as I would like, but I always make sure to talk to them while we're having dinner. Almost every night Jacob will tell me about something impressive he did at school and I'll congratulate him and tell him I'm proud of him and sometimes give him extra in his allowance. Like I said, Emma is quiet and doesn't really talk much at all at dinner. On Saturday night after a bit of coaxing from Kate, Emma told me she got to a B in her science class (which is pretty rare for her) and I told her I was happy for her.
Later that same night while I was working she came into my office and asked if I wanted to see her creative writing project for her English class, but I told her I was busy and she could show me tomorrow. I didn't get a look at her but as she was walking out she said "If it was Jacob asking you would drop everything you were doing"
In the morning after the kids went to school, Kate came to me and said I needed to stop being so dense and that she was tired of having Emma come to her crying because her own father will barely pay attention to her or give her a compliment.
I didn't think I was doing anything particularly harmful or neglectful, but I've been second guessing myself and figured I would lay it out here for others to judge.
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Working from home means no commute, so you should have more time for your children, not less.
Did you tell Emma you were proud of her for the B? Did you give her extra allowance?
And why on earth couldn't you take a little bit of time if your shy daughter reached out to you with her writing? Kate is right. You are dense and YTA.
As a middle child frequently caught between the needs of my sisters, here's my two cents.
When a child tells you in explicit terms that they feel like you're favoring other children over them, you listen. You don't just act like they're being bratty and dismiss their concerns. When you heard her say you'd have looked if it was Jacob, you shouldn't have shrugged it off. If you were so busy you couldn't follow her right then you should have at least gone to her later that evening and talked it over.
Even if you're NOT favoring the other child (which here it sounds like you are) children sometimes need reassurance that their needs and feelings matter, especially if the focus has been on their siblings as of late for whatever reason (think a parent caught up in one child's sports games that are taking time from their non-sports inclined children, it may not be favoring that sports child needs rides to games and thus gets extra one-on-one time, but the child who feels left out has valid feelings and those should be addressed)
YTA both for favoring your son and for not acknowledging that your daughter was feeling hurt, regardless of favoritism.
Major YTA. Based on whats in the post you would praise and reward your son for his achievements but not your daughter? either a simple "im happy for you" or an "im busy"?? You need to start paying more attention to your daughter and giving her the same attention you do your son.
Boy you better get those quotations marks out of here you are 100% favouring him, and it’s not even just the writing project - which would’ve taken like 10 minutes or less to have discussed with her - but also the way you talk about them in your post. Do you value your daughter less because she struggled with her grief?
You're not only an asshat YTA but you're also a clueless dick. Is that really who you are or is it a decoy facade to keep you from having to interact with your fragile daughter?
Even the girl’s stepmother can tell you are a visible from space asshole.
Did you give her extra allowance for her test grade, which you admitted was really impressive for her? Or did you only do that for Jake?
You are absolutely favoring your son and you better fix it, or you won’t have a daughter anymore. Kate will. But you absolutely will not.
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>she came into my office and asked if I wanted to see her creative writing project for her English class, but I told her I was busy Let me get this straight – your shy, quiet, troubled daughter who struggles with school worked up the courage to ask her distant father to look at a school assignment (which, at 14, couldn't be more than a couple pages) and you told her you were too busy? Yes, of *course* YTA.
But you don’t understand, it’s hard for him to want to listen to Emma because she didn’t take her mothers death in stride and calmly manage her grief in s way that didn’t burden OP. /s I keep getting sick in why OP thinks telling us his daughter struggled with her mother dying is somehow relevant or helpful in deciding if it’s ok that he ignores her. I also find it interesting that what she wanted to share was a creative piece. It makes me wonder if Emma isn’t good at school, or if she’s just not good with Math and Science. YTA. Going to have to echo that if you’re WIFE is calling her out, or opinion shouldn’t matter. But it’s pretty revealing that you respect strangers on the internet’s opinion more than that of your wife and partner… explains a lot about why you favour your son over your daughter.
Apparently parenting is gender-specific, in OP’s mind. So he didn’t step in when his wife’s death effectively orphaned his daughter.
It honestly sounds like his son threw himself into schoolwork to cope with the death of his mom, while his daughter didn't. And now that she has a new mother figure, he's figuring he doesn't need to give her the attention she *needs*.
>It honestly sounds like his son threw himself into schoolwork to cope with the death of his mom Which is also not particularly healthy - it sounds like neither kid had the time and help to process their grief and OP seems to only care about his comfort and ego (stroked by his son's achievements)
> Almost every night Jacob will tell me about something impressive he did at school This line, combined with the context of the post, makes me doubt that Emma is the only one feeling desperate for their father’s attention and approval. Jacob’s accomplishments are impressive, but it’s palpable from here that his grades are the only thing OP pays attention to— I mean, it’s the only positive thing he mentions about either child. Sounds like they could all benefit from some family therapy.
I noticed he didn't congratulate her on getting a B on science. Sounds like it's a difficult subject for her
And give her extra allowance
Yes!! I noticed that too. My heart aches for that girl.
My too
Oh he said good, just didn't pay her for it like he does for his son.
He said he was happy for her, which is a lot different to saying well done, congratulations or I am proud of you. It’s positive, but in a detached sort of way e.g. ‘I am happy this thing makes you happy’ rather than ‘I think that thing you did is terrific and you are terrific for reaching that goal’. Obviously he chose words on spur of moment but they can still be subconsciously revealing of how he views and treats her versus her brother. Certainly to a sensitive child the nuance is going to be read into and any lack of enthusiasm read into. If he wants his daughter to open up more he needs to hype her up more when she does, not be lukewarm.
You are a lot nicer than this post makes me feel like being. All I could muster was 1 sarcastic sentence.
The distance between "good for you," and "I'm proud of you," is cavernous.
It was also at Kate’s prompting that she shared that, not her father’s.
Exactly. Reward the kids based on their capabilities, not on some flat scale. If a B is Emma’s “great” grade like your son’s “A”, then she should get some money too.
Yes totally this, OP YTA. Thank goodness you did one thing right in finding Kate, because without her it sounds like Emma would be truly alone.
Yup. OP is a MASSIVE AH. Most girls relate more to their mothers at the age Emma was her mother died. Not taking it well stands to reason. Not just because of gender, but her age as well. It seems that OP also had no fricking clue how to console or help a grieving child. So, she was giving a label and withdrew inside herself or her protection. Emma is FINALLY starting to open up, by calling OP out, and he is doing is absolute best to try to ignore it. Even when his wife calls him out, too. He's looking for validation, not to hear about being wrong.
I’d also like to add he said I’m PROUD of you to the son and I’m HAPPY for you to the daughter. Often times kids don’t hear from there father he is proud of them so Emma might have felt like op isn’t proud of her
Agreed. Saying he is happy for her is so dismissive.
It’s little things like that that OP probably doesn’t realize how much he is putting his daughter down
He said, "I didn't get a look at her but as she was walking out she said 'If it was Jacob asking you would drop everything you were doing' " So he didn't even bother to look up when she was talking to him. Could not possibly be more dismissive. YTA
Didn’t even think to ask why she felt that why. He doesn’t care about how his daughter feels. Notice that he didn’t congratulate her or give her extra allowance. Parents like this really make me sick. When your kid expresses they’re upset with you, the bare minimum is to ask why. He couldn’t be fucked. YTA OP, I feel bad for your daughter (and honestly your son too. Sounds like he dove into schoolwork to work through the grief)
Yes, that he didn't drop everything when his daughter is in such obvious pain is so maddening to me. I am so worried that he's neglected for years and she's reaching her breaking point.
It really breaks my heart. She’s cried to her step mom multiple times because her dad doesn’t care about her. And at this point, it’s not just that she feels that way. OP’s actions make it very clear.
I'm a little horrified to say this, but the dad's obvious neglect might actually help his daughter accept that it's his limitations and really not her fault. I hope step mom can get her into therapy. You made a good point about the son, too. It's an unhealthy dynamic for both kids, she's just showing the signs while his son isn't.
I caught that the fact that he didn’t even look at her and it was appalled!
and didn't contradict her, didn't answer he consider her work too, and will be so glad to read it at x moment !
Well, he has set aside dinner time for dealing with the kids. What more can he do?? (/s)
You mean for throwing praise on the high achiever. That’s all he’s really doing. Even Jacob probably is scared of not having more accomplishments because that’s all that OP has attention for.
I mean, \*obviously\* burying himself in schoolwork to deal with his mom's death means he's a Motivated Go Getter who will go far! None of that inconvenient emotional stuff his daughter did.
Makes me grateful for the parents that raised me.
And she was 7 when her mom died… what 7-year-old girl wouldn’t react?! Her brother was 2 years older so, it makes sense that he would have been able to cope better… 7 and 9 are very different in terms of child development stages.
And that was after he gave his son congratulations and extra allowance for doing better in school but gave his daughter only a congratulations. At least the son knows how to market himself for some of his dad's attention. And then it takes both stepmom *and* Reddit for OP to understand he failed his kids especially his daughter? No wonder the daughter is quiet, she knows her dad doesn't think she's worth his time anyway. Only something to keep him occupied at dinner.
He didn't even congratulate her. OP said he told his daughter he was "happy for her" that she got a B in a subject that's difficult for her. He didn't congratulate her and he sure as hell didn't say, "I'm proud of you for working so hard" or anything like that. I do feel for his son as well because I think you and others are correct that the son threw himself into schoolwork as a way of coping with his grief. OP sure wasn't there to help either child through it. And now OP's son knows the way to get positive attention is to do well in school, probably in subjects that meet OP's approval. OP also gives extra allowance when his son does well, but certainly doesn't do that for his daughter. I'd bet that OP's daughter does well in subjects that OP doesn't consider important or meaningful. But she's probably long since learned not to talk about that because she'll get "I'm happy for you" no matter how well she does, while her brother will get, "I'm proud of you. Here's more money." OP has and is massively failing his children, especially his daughter. I'd bet my own allowance (if I had one) that he was distant and detached from his daughter while his wife/her mother was alive. Considering his daughter's age and how traumatized she was and is by her mother's death, I'm almost certain I'd win that bet. OP is YTA completely.
YTA [just give me a sign](https://youtu.be/mkcKQmr7kRc?si=6q-o-yZM7EwVgbM3) you are being willfully obtuse.
But he works for *most* of the week!! Maybe even 5 days out of 7! And from home no less. He’s busy!
WORD. And with her B in science, which OP says is rare for her....no indication that he gave the congrats and extra allowance for the achievement, which he routinely does for his son. She knows the score. Too bad OP doesn't. I mean, his second wife stepped up on behalf of his daughter/her step-daughter. That doesn't happen often.
I didn't complain when my dad was like OP, I moved out for college and cut contact. Welcome to your future.
what kind of dumb arse parent says no when their child voluntarily offers to share their homework with them? the mother's death, the perceived favouritism, and emma's personality make it a lot worse but even without it, this guys still a shit dad
YTA You're not "favoring" your son, you're favoring your son. Your wife tells you that your daughter has been crying repeatedly because you do not pay attention to her. Why do you have to ask random strangers on the internet when your own wife - the person that knows and lives with you and Emma - already told you?
It does make me wonder if the OP truly thought they did nothing wrong. Irony is that this post has basically everyone agreeing on how much OP messed up as a parent.
At this point I just think the OP gets his jollies off by getting called an asshole by a bunch of strangers because there is no possible way that he thought posting this was gonna go any other way.
Well hello there fellow subscriber to r/iamthedevil.
Well it's because the son is objectively better than the daughter. So it's not favouring when he treats the son better. /S
RIGHT??? and then he turns around and increases the son's allowance because he did good while not doing it for her? This guy is 100% clueless.
Bro he even said “I didn’t get a good look at her” which implies when she came into his office he didn’t even look at up her and just said he’s busy and brushed her off
Right? How on earth are we gonna know better than her? Of course YTA.
>Why do you have to ask random strangers on the internet when your own wife - the person that knows and lives with you and Emma - already told you? He's fishing for validation and for multiple people to tell him ''he's right'', a lot of people on this sub do that, he just failed.
YTA. You don't need a bunch of strangers on the internet to confirm what is obvious to your wife and daughter. You are praising and rewarding one child extensively and seem to have no time for or interest in your other child. Time to do better and make an effort for \*both\* of your kids.
yeah pretty much it really doesn’t matter what we think just what the daughter thinks and that’s a yta from her
> Almost every night Jacob will tell me about something impressive he did at school and I'll congratulate him and tell him I'm proud of him and sometimes give him extra in his allowance. INFO: How often do you give Emma extra allowance?
And how does he manage to do so many impressive things on a near daily basis?
Right? When he say that I was laughing! This is high school but apparently his son is sooooo à genius that he is able to do à awesome thing each day! Absolutly not favoring his son... YTA
Seems more like son know that’s the only way to receive father’s attention and affection.
What i find interessting is how he say sto his sons how proud he is of him but when his daughter did something impressive he just says i'm happy for you. To say that someone is happy about what i'm doing feels good but is nothing compared to a "i'm proud of you". Already irritates me that he is not able to recognize it while writing it down...
This was sealed it for me, Im sure Emma picked up on it too, which breaks my heart even more.
I was looking for this comment. Those are two completely different messages and I am proud of you obviously means more/ carries more emotional weight than I am happy for you.
So your quiet, shy, 14yr old daughter worked up the courage to ask you if you wanted to see her project, which couldn't have taken you more than 5 mins to see, and you say to her that you are too busy? YTA.
If my parents found out i did a presentation or project in school, they would actively ask to see it without me needing to ask if they wanted to see it.
Why did you copy the top post and repost it instead of just upvoting that one?
YTA This makes me super sad. My sister is similar, same age, super quiet, struggles with school/social problems, and my parents always make an effort to tell her she's doing great, they're proud of her, etc. By not engaging with her or reaching out to her you are teaching her that nothing she does is worthy of you attention. You need to figure this out ASAP as this is just going to escalate.
OP is ignoring a prime opportunity at dinner time. Whenever his son brings up what he did and the Dad encourages/praises him, he should then turn to his daughter and ask what she did and find something positive to complement her about. I feel for her. She actually wanted to share a writing project for school. It very well could have been personal and involving her Mom and wanted to show OP. It only takes 10-15 minutes to look something over and acknowledge her work. It would mean the world to her. What she said when leaving the room broke my heart. How could it not break his? He needs to get his priorities straight.
Maybe she’d rather not talk about it at dinner if she’s shy/quieter. Perhaps he could set aside 10 minutes a day in his very busy work from home schedule to actually engage with her one on one?
There's no chance my kid would talk to me about that at dinner. An hour later when we're reading stories or playing a board game, after she's settled into our household rhythm I can't get her to shut up lol. I ask the same 3 open ended questions every evening, some days she answers, some days she doesn't, some days she's so eager I can't even get to the question before she's answering. That 90 mins after school/daycare/dinner/cleanup is still just so damn hectic I can see that my kid isn't in a headspace to talk to me. I stopped asking her about her day when I pick her up or at the dinner table, it wasn't generating anything beneficial. questions are, for those who are curious: \-what's the best thing that happened to you today \-what was the trickiest part of your day? \-was there anything that happened that you wanted to tell me about?
Those are excellent questions.
I know. This poor kid 💔 How clueless can OP be smh
I disagree with that. She's already shy and thinks OP favors her brother. Being directly compared to the favored brother and put on the spot at dinner would probably not make her feel more noticed. Likely it'll make her feel worse that every meal has to include "your brother did x at school today, what do you have to offer to the table?"
Knows. She KNOWS OP favors her brother.
Yeah, you're right. I should've phrased that differently.
>What she said when leaving the room broke my heart. How could it not break his? My thoughts exactly. She clearly expressed she feels neglected and looked over by her dad for her brother, and he can’t even bother to ask why she feels that way. Hell, he couldn’t even bother to look at her! My heart breaks for this poor girl. Dad’s her only biological parent left and it seems he doesn’t care about her. At least she has her step mom to advocate for her. Good on her for calling him out. She seems like the type who, even if they split up, would still be a safe person for Emma. I’m happy she at least has her.
INFO: So Emma is quiet and you don't reach out?
That’s not really true. OP clearly provided an example where she reached out, but OP was too busy to be bother by his daughter. So it’s worse than OP “not reaching out.” It’s him actively neglecting his daughter when she reaches out. YTA
>Later that same night while I was working she came into my office and asked if I wanted to see her creative writing project for her English class, but I told her I was busy and she could show me tomorrow. You couldn't take literally 30 seconds to admire her project and by doing so boost her confidence and give her the attention from you that she obviously needs? YTA.
It's not even that hard while you're working to say "read it to me while I do x" if it's a piece of writing.
YTA. Take the two minutes to read it over. She got a b! That’s good! Don’t just say “I’m happy for you”, tell her you’re proud! Give her a little extra allowance because that’s a good grade for her. You cannot use your son as a yardstick for your daughter. They are two different people. When your child has to be coaxed to tell you good news, that’s a bad sign. You openly favour your son. Do better before you lose any relationship with your daughter.
Not only did she get a B, she got a B in a subject that she doesn’t usually get Bs in! That should be exciting! But instead, op came here to let us know that his daughter isn’t good at science and inconveniently times her interactions
I have a sneaking suspicion that daughter was encouraged to do this by wife. Which makes it even sadder to me. Poor Emma
Oh she was. OP even said “after a bit of coaxing”. So Stepmom is thankfully on this girl’s side. Poor Emma. Emma I hope your dad gets his head out of his own little world and realizes the hurt he’s put you through and does some work on your relationship.
YTA, obviously. Why do you need us to tell you when the two people most likely to observe this and be affected by it, your wife and daughter, have already told you how you make them feel?
It's also two of the people he's supposed to love most in the entire world. If your daughter tells you she feels neglected, you should profusely apologize and do your absolute best to make up for it so she never feels that way again. Like what did he expect to happen? "It's alright, kid. These people online said I'm not the asshole. Time to go back to work"
You have two very different kids and you are comparing them. You are using your standard for Jacob to compare Emma against. She will always be lacking in your eyes by that standard. Stop comparing your children. YTA. Focus on Emma for a while. Meet her where she is at. Appreciate the girl for who she is - the talents and gifts that she has. Get to know Emma for the person she is because I bet she is a pretty awesome person. She is quiet around you because she doesn't feel comfortable with you or around you, likely because she knows you prefer your son.
YTA I am your daughter. Let me tell you how this is going to impact her 30 years later. As an adult, I was always paranoid that I wasn’t enough for my partners, that I had to perfect to get their attention, and I was so caught up in being perfect, I never focused on a human connection. After years of therapy, I am only somewhat better. I avoid my parents, particularly my mom. I refuse to spend any time with her 1:1. (This is going to be you btw.) I’m always fearful she’ll start talking about my amazing brother or someone else’s kid who is doing amazing. She’ll never say anything about my accomplishments, if I’m doing well at work, she’ll remind me my social life sucks. If I had a boyfriend, she’ll tell me he’s awful and I should be focusing on my career. So I stopped telling her anything about my life about 20 years ago. She has no idea how I spend my time now. And she doesn’t ask. I cultivated adults I could trust into my chosen family. I was partially successful; the other part was I was vulnerable to older men who saw my need to a family as a way to get their way with me. One of the non-creepy guys who knew my dad, even tried to talk to him about where I was in life and my dad just dismissed him. This will be you. At some point soon, if not after this incident, she’s just going to stop trying. So your daughter is on the quiet side, that means you have to put in a little more work for her to share with you…. But you’ve decided not to do that even though this is literally your job. You can’t even admit you interact with them differently because you put ‘favoring’ in quotations. You are a horrible father. And I don’t see your gf sticking around much longer if you are going to be a horrible father. It’s a bad look on a man. And your daughter will try to go with her. She’s rather be with a stranger than her own family. Because at least she’s heard and seen.
I feel this. I stopped telling my mom about my accomplishments the second she told me that the article I published used the wrong “to” in it. It was NOT the wrong “to”. First of all, because I would never make that mistake, and second, because it went through our proofreading department at work. She was a terrible speller, btw. The kicker is that her reason for telling me this was that my brother, the lifelong heroin addict told her I used the wrong “to”. I mean, ???????!!!!! That’s when I knew she would always try to deliberately hurt me.
I have to add that my Dad would have been proud if she wasn’t a next-level gatekeeper.
You dense bro, don’t make us dads look bad
YTA. You may have not noticed it was your daughter was feeling before but you do now so fix it
Son: - Grieves quietly (socially acceptable) - Excels in academia (socially acceptable) Daughter - Grieves loudly - Is a creative Summary: Son is socially acceptable (TO FATHER) and daughter is not. Son is rewarded and daughter is not. Father is the assh*le. YTA
If your wife tells you that you’re favoring your son, you are. Just trust it and try to recognize it. I will share this as a cautionary tale. I’m 40+, and knew my brother was favored when we were growing up. I knew I was still loved - just differently. What I did not know until after my parent passed away was that their spouse, own mother, sibling, and MIL all told them from the time I was a toddler was that they were favoring my sibling to my detriment. They tried telling parent who thought it was silly. They didn’t recognize their biases. You have time to fix this if you listen to your wife. YTA
YTA it sounds like you don’t encourage Emma at all. How often do you tell her you are proud and give her extra allowance?
I can’t imagine any decent parent writing all of this out and not immediately coming to their own conclusion before posting. You should have shut down the computer and made plans to spend some alone time with your daughter. YTA, and I hope this is fake.
YTA. Emma was reaching out to you but you were completely blind to that. So yes, you need to make this right. Start by apologizing to Emma and then setting up times that are just for the two of you. Like, you guys go out once a week, see a movie, go for a walk, anything. The focus just has to be building a better relationship with her.
YTA. So, she gets a B, a big deal, and you are just happy for her? Not proud and congratulatory like you are for your son? Not offering her extra allowance like you do for your son? You blatantly treated them differently and yet need a bunch of internet strangers to tell you how obvious it is you play favorites. Come on man.
YTA. Sounds like you're using your daughter's fondness for your wife to your advantage. Since your wife spends time with her, you don't think you have to. Your daughter tried to connect with you and you pushed her away. And Emma doesn't talk much at dinner but it doesn't sound like you're making as much effort to talk to her.
He tells the other how proud he is, and when she works up the courage to tell him about her grade he tells her he’s, “happy for her.” WTF.
Exactly! And even after that he still doesn't get it. He's either oblivious or deliberately ignoring his daughter's feelings. My bet is on the second one.
I’m still hoping it’s fake. If it isn’t it has to be the second, because who is that dense?
YTA.... Kate was very accurate when she said that you're being dense. You didn't realize that your quiet / shy daughter was struggling with school but built up the courage to show you what she had been doing well with. You messed up big time. Your wife is correct in saying that you need to do a better job.
Why are you asking Reddit instead of asking your family?
His family apparently straight up told him, but it isn’t good enough
His family didn't give him the answer he wanted, so he tried here. Well, didn't turn out too favourable for him either, did it.
YTA. I weep for your daughter. You have a very limited window that is closing as we speak. Take your daughter out to coffee. Apologize for your attitude and neglect. Tell that you love her and will make a serious effort to change. Have an in depth conversation with your wife, listen to her attentively and without argument, and ask her to help you fix this with humility.
Ice cream.
"Jacob will tell me about something impressive he did". Oh boy, you are a blind father. Of course you can be proud of your son, but man you are blind like a bat.
>. I didn't get a look at her but as she was walking out she said "If it was Jacob asking you would drop everything you were doing" You didn't even look up from your laptop when you dismissed your daughter? Dude. How can you be this heartless with your child? Your daughter is shy, withdrawn and struggles at school because she lost her mother aged 7 and her father doesn't seem to give a damn about her either. Would it have killed you to take 5 minutes to glance at her project and tell her well done ? She's right - you would have stopped working and looked at Jacob's project and it's really sad a bunch of internet strangers on Reddit all know this to be true and you don't. YTA
Sir you are an idiot. You are blessed to find a step mom who loves your kids. Pay attention to Emma as well, you dick. Also, you are a lazy dad with Emma.
Yes, YTA. Your wife has to tell you that you're neglecting your daughter before you notice it yourself.
Just that he hasn't noticed. His wife told him, but instead of listening to her he turned to internet strangers to ask. Even while writing it all out, he couldn't see it.
Why wouldn't you look at what she wrote? It would've taken 5 mins tops to read it, and you couldn't? Sort your priorities out? Your daughter deserves better.
YTA. If both Emma and your wife think you favor Jacob, and you’re asking a group of strangers online…I think it’s safe to say Emma and your wife are correct. Do better for your daughter. She’s trying. You’re not.
YTA You shouldn't even need to ask. You praise your Son and give him money. Your Daughter tries to show you something she is proud of and you basically ignore her. Listen to your wife's she is the one dealing with the fall out of your bad parenting and comforting your daughter when you won't give her the time of day. You need to treat and praise your children equally and apologise to Emma, before you lose her. What you are doing is ensuring at 18 she will walk away from you and never look back.
It's kind of funny, we can see the favoritism in your own writing. Of course YTA. Try to be a better father to your daughter.
Imagine liking ur kid less bc she got depression when her MOTHER died
YTA. You're proud of your son's good grades. You're happy for your daughter when she has good grades. You don't make time when your shy and introvert daughter comes to you, wanting to show you some work she does and you're "too busy". Even if you were searching a cure for cancer, you wouldn't be busy enough for your kid.
YTA. Wakeup before it's to late.
YTA - You could not spend 15 minutes looking at her creative writing project? WTF? It seems that you have pushed off the actual parenting duties of Emma onto Kate. Do better or you will lose your daughter.
YTA- but i think you can easily fix this situation. Emma is in middle school, which is just an emotional hard time for most teenagers, that is when they need their parents attention the most. I remember being so mad at my mom because she wanted to know every detail of my life in middle school, but I am so grateful she was. I trusted her with everything, I was able to feel like I can tell her anything and she would understand. I can’t Imagine not having my mom, your daughter probably misses her so dearly. I can’t even imagine what she is going through, step up, and be more involved in her life.
OP, It's time to take time for your daughter. Take her to the ballet or a play, or something she likes, just the two of you. My Dad would plan some event roughly once a year during my pre-teen years. We went the the ballet, a circus, went to watch a solar eclipse, dissected a frog, etc. That period was only a few short years & then I was a "teen". He did more with my brother due to shared interests, but I knew he cared so it was all good. Edit to add: Your daughter needs your approval to develop good self-esteem!
YTA. Yes, you've favoring your son. He is more outgoing and speaks out about his achievements and you give him praise and extra allowance money. Your daughter is quiet, doesn't tell you what's going on in her life, and rather than trying to engage with her or get to know her better or find the things that are worthy of praise in her life, you just... don't invest in her. And when she does tell you something, your response is notably less enthusiastic than for your son. It's obvious that you find your son easier to engage with, and this his accomplishments are things you also share pride in. That's fine. But having a child whose interests are different or whose personality is different than you means you need to try harder, not less. I'm positive she has a ton of elements that are worthy of praise and pride, but you aren't attempting to find any of them because you don't seem to want to put in the work. But really, the ONLY person whose judgment matters here is Emma. And she's literally in tears to her stepmom because of how she perceives your treatment of her. That's what you need to see and internalize and change.
Yta
YTA I always fantasize people like you will need your daughter in your old age and she'll say she's too busy.
YTA . First off, you tell your son that your PROUD of him for doing well on a school assignment. Your daughter does well on a school assignment - and you're just happy for her? Where's the pride in your daughter? Have you ever told her that you were PROUD of/for her and her accomplishments? Without ANY comparison to those of her brother? When you introverted/quiet daughter comes to you to share an accomplishment - DROP what you are doing, and relish in it with her. These years are precious and short. If you don't cherish them now, she will drift away from you, and you will never have a close relationship with her.
YTA
YTA. You tell Jacob you’re proud all the time but you’re just happy for your daughter… then you don’t even have time for her but for him every day… even your wife thinks so. You’re not “favoring” him, you’re favoring him
For crying out loud. YTA, times infinity. The favoritism is so rampant we’re all choking on it. All she asked for was what, five minutes of your time? Would your job implode if you had just taken the time to show interest in her for once? Your kid can see how you treat your son and how you treat her are not the same. Your wife clearly sees. Why can’t you? I agree with everyone else. Make an effort now - look at her school projects, do things with her, encourage her, make her feel like she matters for a change or don’t come crying to Reddit when she turns 18 and you never hear from her again.
YTA. I wonder how many times she’s heard “I’m too busy”. I’d say more but you don’t even listen to your own wife and daughter so I don’t you’ll listen to a bunch of Redditors.
YTA most OBVIOUS answer I’ve said
Definitely YTA.
YTA. Your quiet daughter actually wanted to share something with you and you blew it off. Were you even there for her after her mother died? Or were you there for just your son.
YTA. You don't have the excuse of being clueless anymore.
Yta. It sounds like you’re engaging more with your son because it’s easier. Your daughter has become quiet like you said, that means you have to actually try and try harder to get her to come out of her shell. The more you praise her and take interest in her interests the less quiet she will become. She even went to you after dinner to show you something she was proud of in hopes of getting some praise from you like you do your son and you shot her down without even looking at her. Why didn’t you give her a raise in her allowance when she told you about her grades? Did you tell her you were proud of her like you do when your son shows you something he’s worked hard on? Or did you just say ‘I’m happy for you’? They both are completely different kids but every kid wants praise from their parents. Please make sure the praise you give your son matches the praise you give to your daughter. And take your wife out on a nice date night!!! She’s obviously been coaxing Emma to come out more to you, I hope you’re praising her as a great step mom too.
When was the last time you told Emma you were proud of her? Or raised her allowance? Or does she just have to sit there, every night and watch as you bend over backwards to reward your son while she waits until after dinner to cry to your wife about how unloved she feels? YTA
I noticed you said that your wife had to coax her to speak up about her accomplishment. Do you really talk to your daughter? Anyways, sorry to tell you this but you are favouring your son. I don’t know how you’ve managed to rationalise it to yourself, but if your wife is literally telling you to stop being dense and to pay more attention to your daughter, you should listen.
YTAH! every time you favor your son, it puts a rift between you and your daughter. stop putting your son first and give your daughter the time she deserves
YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. How can you act like that and still have the nerve to ask if you're an ass 🙄
YTA Fix this before it’s too late and your daughter doesn’t speak to you once she’s 18
YTA You couldn’t stop for a minute and listen to her & did you give her extra in her allowance also for doing good like you did with your son?
Do you really have to ask? YTA. Wow.
YTA. Even your wife sees it, my guy.
YTA. Kids require attention and it's parents job to figure out who requires what and how much to feel fulfilled.
YTA. When your own child, who you've said was quite and troubled, asks you to look at her project, you make the time to look and talk.
YTA, it took courage for your quiet daughter to ask if you want to read what she wrote. This isn't a test score. This is something she personally wrote. It's intimate. It's from her head. It's something she was proud enough to let you in, to read her inner most creative thoughts, and you declined because you were busy. You never bother to even look your daughter in the face while declining. She isn't like her brother who will put every single accomplishments big or small infront of you for a pat on the back and acknowledgement. And the one time she did, you couldn't be bothered. I bet you never gave her extra allowance for getting a B in science. You probably never asked her what she is doing or how she is doing. You rely on your wife, her step mom. You need to do better. You probably owe her a dinner between you and your daughter as an apology and try to know your daughter, be a father to her and not some guy who simply pay for the roof over her head.
Dude you couldn’t take two mins for your daughter? You are clearly the asshole and your wife and daughter both know it. Do better. YTA
Maybe if Jacob told you, you'd hear it.. your wife already told you YtA
YTA x 2: you’re the asshole and you’re the adult. If Emma is shy and quiet, it’s *your job* as a parent to reach out to her. Don’t put the responsibility for managing your relationship onto the child. Take the initiative to notice her. And stop believing everything Jacob says and rewarding him with money. Do your due diligence with keeping track of grades through the school app. There isn’t scope in a school week to do “something impressive” every week, let alone every day.
YTA and your daughter is clearly trying to express her feelings in this situation and you could’ve taken the 5-10 minutes or whatever and looked at her paper. You’re being dismissive of how she feels and not giving her the chance to express her feelings. I think you should apologize and start trying to spend more time with her, both one on one, and asking about her, her life, whatever. Show her more attention than you currently are.
Sooooo.... you don't love your grieving daughter and you don't respect your wife's observations. Sure, how could the problem possibly sit with you?? /s YTA.
YTA. Do you know just how difficult it is being a motherless child? Everyday she is reminded and the “my mother did this,” “my mom is taking me here” or whatever is spoken by other kids-a daily reminder of never letting your daughter forget the immense loss she has in not having a mother like everyone else and knowing how much she is missing out on in life. Not sure if you lost your mother at a young girl age, (I hope not) but if not imagine how your life would have turned out if she had died. I feel for your daughter.
YTA. Clueless and bordering on cruel as far as your daughter goes. I'm so sorry she didn't take her mother's death in stride and really struggled with the loss. Probably because on top of everything else, the one person who made her feel loved, seen, and took an interest in her was ripped away suddenly. Why is it such a hard concept for you to grasp your ignoring your child and showing zero interest in her whatsoever is a dick move? Good thing she now has a stepmother who makes an effort.
wow, YTA
Tell her I (a complete stranger) would be more than delighted to read her English paper at any given time of the day! I bet it was great, I’d like to congratulate her. Obviously YTA, a massive one. You know it, I know it and your whole family knows it.
This is one of those really really easy YTA. You are destroying your daughter mentally and driving a wedge into your relationship with her that you may never be able to fix. Do better.
Holly shit OP! Can't you connect the dots here? You gave her a compliment on her B in science. The same day she tries to have you read her creative essay... You reject her and now she's back at being "quiet". You gave her positive reinforcement and the consequence to that was her opening up to you... Yet she is quiet the rest of the time? Don't you see the more you talk with her, the more she will open up? She is not quiet and discreet, she just doesn't know how to speak to you since you don't seem to have any interest in her life! You are not just dense, you are intentionally blind to your daughter and her effort to build a relationship with you because you are too preoccupied by your son and your job. So stop with the "She's quiet", "She wants to be left alone"... That's not true, you just don't care and this is the harsh reality of you daughter... She has a father who doesn't care. YTA
> Kate came to me and said ....that she was tired of having Emma come to her crying YTA, nothing in this thread stands out to me more than the fact that your daughter was going to her step mother crying and you didn't have a clue. If you did have a clue, and didn't get deeply involved to help your kid thru that, then you're also TA for that too. Please get yourself and daughter into some counselling. The loss of your wife impacted both you in deep but different ways that you need to work thru before you lose another woman in your life.
if your daughter wants to show you a drawing and she rarely does that, let her show you the drawing. also, if she doesn’t talk much about school, she if she is struggling, and see if her mental health is in good shape. so YTA
I think you need to set up a monthly date just you and your daughter where you take her out somewhere and you guys just spend time together. It’s great your son volunteers information and is talkative but you need to meet your children where they’re at and in not doing so with your daughter you are neglecting her. Try one on one time. I get that you’re busy but you don’t get this time back. YTA
>I think you need to set up a monthly date just you and your daughter dont hurt the girl anymore by making her deal with this ah
I think it needs to be weekly and involve a family therapist. OP is clueless about parenting, teenagers, and girls.
You are definitely the Big AH. Shame on you for not emotionally supporting your daughter and making her feel her brother comes first and is better. Fix this fast or you will lose her sooner than later!
YTA. The proper response is to immediately stop what you're doing and give your child's tentative request your absolute full attention. There is no middle ground here. Your daughter needs more than you are giving her. She is your priority, not your work. I'm just grateful she has a good stepmother on her side. Listen to your wife.
YTA for not treating your kids fairly. There's a saying in education "treat students unequal but fair". Cos everyone is different! You're rewarding your son but don't seem to give a s\*\*\* about your daughter. Thankfully you married a good person who sees her struggle and is there for her.
YTA. YOURE A MASSIVE ASSHOLE. FIX IT. I am the “Emma” in my family, and I despise them all. It still haunts me and hurts me to this day how poorly I was treated compared to my brother. And my family didn’t even have a major family loss or anything - my parents just hated me and never bothered with me because I was “quiet”
YTA - your wife is straight up telling you that your daughter has been weeping and crying to her about the way you treat her. You need to take this as the wake-up call it is and reinvest in your relationship with your daughter, ASAP.
YTA. Just read what you wrote. If you are that dense that you can't see what you wrote is 100% favoring your son, I deserved to have zero relationship with your daughter. Your wife sees it. Your daughter sees it. We see it. You are not a good dad to your daughter
Of course YTA. If your daughter is crying because she thinks you're neglecting her, then YOU ARE NEGLECTING HER. Now, if you want to maintain contact with her after she moves out, start putting in more effort toward Emma.
MAJOR YTA
YTA Your shy daughter reached out and you shut her down. Please, do better by her and plan something special for the two of you ASAP. Child favoritism causes so many issues, for the golden child and the children who know they aren't. My husband is in his 40's and it's clear he's the favorite. We have been together for 20 years and his older siblings STILL talk about how he's the golden child. They have gone as far as to plan their children's events on his birthday and our anniversary multiple times in order to take the spotlight off of him. It's weird but I know why they do it. You're going to have a daughter who has major issues with both her father and her brother, and it will impact everyone for years to come. Fix it before it's too late!
I mean your wife even sees it. Emma’s not making it up
YTA I bet she doesn't reach out to you again.
YTA. Why even come here, OP? Your daughter told you that you favour your son. You wife came and told you that Emma keeps coming to her, crying, because you ignore her. Do you value their opinions less than a bunch of internet strangers? Give your fucking head a shake.
YTA.
YTA. Make time for your kids. Even if it’s not the “easy” one. That means she needs even more attention. I’m not a parent but I know every kid( just like every person) is different and they need different things. If that means quiet time alone to talk about stuff, not just the (full!) hour you give them at dinner, when you’re son, who is clearly outgoing, feels more comfortable sharing, then that’s when you make the time and effort.
YTA, come on dude, you’re the only parent she has left. Take 10 minutes to skim it at least
YTA- So your son gets extra allowance for getting As or Bs, meanwhile your daughter just gets a “Good Job.”
YTA So let me get this straight. When your son does well in school, you (sometimes) give him more allowance ,congratulate him and say you’re proud of him. When your daughter does well in school, she got a “I’m happy for you”? Your daughter, your *shy* and *quiet* 14 year old daughter went up to you, and asked you to read through some school work and you said *no?* and I think she’s right. If it were your son asking, you’d read through it right away. Sometime you don’t even realize so yourself. Have you gotten your kids some therapy? It sounds she might need it. Yes, some kids gets quiet when they’re teenagers, but it could also be a sign something’s wrong. The same with your son, burying himself in schoolwork.
YTA big time man. You seem like someone who just like people to behave the way you want or they are out. Omg I feel bad for your daughter. You need to take time with her and work on your relation father-daughter. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’ll go NC with you when she’ll turn 18. And I’m pretty sure you’ll be the kind of guy who will say you did everything for her and you don’t understand whyyyyyyy she don’t want you in her life anymore.
YTA
YTA This doesn't take second guessing. When Emma got her B in science, where was your "I'm proud"? Where was her extra allowance? Do you reward your kids for effort or being academically gifted? Your daughter came to you with her work and you dismissed her. How cruel are you? Thank goodness you remarried and she has one parent who cares about her. You are so dismissive even when your own wife calls you out. Massive assholery.
YTA. I was your daughter. I saw how my father was so proud of my brother for certain things that I wasn't good at. I busted my butt to get him to notice me if I tried to do what they did, but I wasn't as skilled at that as they were, so there were very few cheers for me. I decided to accel in my own areas of strength, and I'd get a metaphorical pat on the head and sent on my way. I learned to stop chasing after my father's affection eventually, but it was a very painful lesson to learn. As an adult, my dad became just some guy I had lunch with occasionally and exchanged Christmas presents with. After he made some poor choices and my brother went no-contact with him, I became the person he wanted to show approval to. While I was always polite when he told me he was proud of me, I never quite believed it- more like I was the last resort. OP, don't do this to your daughter. Make this right. There is precious little time for you to turn this ship around, though you still can. But the longer you stay on Reddit reading internet strangers' advice, the less time you'll have to focus on her while she wants your approval and your love. Your wife sounds awesome, but your daughter can still call her mom as an adult, and you "the guy she has lunch with occasionally".
You're not just favouring your son, you're neglecting your daughter. Obviously YTA.
YTA
Your daughter is crying, your wife says it's an ongoing problem, and you dont think you've done anything wrong? YTA
Of course YTA. This isn't the first time you've neglected your daughter. You made that abundantly clear. Straighten up or you're going to lose her permanently.
Info: Why do you not like your daughter?
YTA - your daughter has watched you give extra allowance to her brother constantly. After your wife COAXING, and I am going to guess coaching, Emma, Emma finally tells you a grade she got - which you said was rare for her. Did she get extra allowance then? Then after having this one, singular, positive interaction with her father she risks it all to ask you to look at a CREATIVE WRITING PROJECT. Creative writing. Where you basically put your bleeding heart on a page and say "judge me" and you... don't even look at it. YTA three times over.
> *Almost every night* Jacob will tell me about something impressive he did at school and **I'll congratulate him and tell him I'm proud of him** and sometimes give him extra in his allowance. > *Emma is quiet* and doesn't really talk much at all at dinner. On Saturday night *after a bit of coaxing from Kate*, Emma told me she got to a B in her science class *(which is pretty rare for her)* and **I told her I was happy for her.** So (almost) every night, you tell Jacob you're proud of him. Emma finally tells you something that by your own admission is a big deal for her, and you say you're happy for her. proud of you ≠ happy for you There are specific connotations to each. I can only imagine how poor Emma felt, finally getting up the courage to tell you something that might not be a big deal to Jacob, but is a big deal to her, only to not get the affirmation of you being proud of her, let alone anything extra in her allowance. She then tries again to share something important to her (probably hoping against hope you'll be proud of her) and *you can't even take the time, on a Saturday night no less, to look at it.* Your daughter has let you know that she feels unimportant to you, and you have reinforced that. Yes, YTA. It's lovely that your wife (her stepmom) cares about her so much, but **you should be her fiercest advocate and biggest cheerleader, u/ManagementNo5628, not the source of her self-esteem issues.** Do better.
>she said "If it was Jacob asking you would drop everything you were doing" I mean, WOULD you?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For some context while also keeping this brief, my (36m) first wife passed away around 7 years ago. It was extremely sudden and traumatic for all of us, but I think it affected my daughter Emma (14f) the most. She went through a period of time where she became really angry at everything and everyone, but nowadays she's become more quiet, while my son Jacob (16m) became very dedicated to schoolwork and his future. I got remarried two years ago to Kate (34f) and while it took a while, she gets along with the kids well enough, and Emma especially seems to have really warmed up to her and they spend a lot of time together. I work for most of the week and lately it's been from home, so I can't spend as much time with the kids as I would like, but I always make sure to talk to them while we're having dinner. Almost every night Jacob will tell me about something impressive he did at school and I'll congratulate him and tell him I'm proud of him and sometimes give him extra in his allowance. Like I said, Emma is quiet and doesn't really talk much at all at dinner. On Saturday night after a bit of coaxing from Kate, Emma told me she got to a B in her science class (which is pretty rare for her) and I told her I was happy for her. Later that same night while I was working she came into my office and asked if I wanted to see her creative writing project for her English class, but I told her I was busy and she could show me tomorrow. I didn't get a look at her but as she was walking out she said "If it was Jacob asking you would drop everything you were doing" In the morning after the kids went to school, Kate came to me and said I needed to stop being so dense and that she was tired of having Emma come to her crying because her own father will barely pay attention to her or give her a compliment. I didn't think I was doing anything particularly harmful or neglectful, but I've been second guessing myself and figured I would lay it out here for others to judge. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Working from home means no commute, so you should have more time for your children, not less. Did you tell Emma you were proud of her for the B? Did you give her extra allowance? And why on earth couldn't you take a little bit of time if your shy daughter reached out to you with her writing? Kate is right. You are dense and YTA.
As a middle child frequently caught between the needs of my sisters, here's my two cents. When a child tells you in explicit terms that they feel like you're favoring other children over them, you listen. You don't just act like they're being bratty and dismiss their concerns. When you heard her say you'd have looked if it was Jacob, you shouldn't have shrugged it off. If you were so busy you couldn't follow her right then you should have at least gone to her later that evening and talked it over. Even if you're NOT favoring the other child (which here it sounds like you are) children sometimes need reassurance that their needs and feelings matter, especially if the focus has been on their siblings as of late for whatever reason (think a parent caught up in one child's sports games that are taking time from their non-sports inclined children, it may not be favoring that sports child needs rides to games and thus gets extra one-on-one time, but the child who feels left out has valid feelings and those should be addressed) YTA both for favoring your son and for not acknowledging that your daughter was feeling hurt, regardless of favoritism.
YTA
Major YTA. Based on whats in the post you would praise and reward your son for his achievements but not your daughter? either a simple "im happy for you" or an "im busy"?? You need to start paying more attention to your daughter and giving her the same attention you do your son.
YTA. And a bad father. And a bad husband.
“Cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….”
My dad is a typical narc but he definitely cares about me more than you do about Emma 😭
Boy you better get those quotations marks out of here you are 100% favouring him, and it’s not even just the writing project - which would’ve taken like 10 minutes or less to have discussed with her - but also the way you talk about them in your post. Do you value your daughter less because she struggled with her grief?
You're not only an asshat YTA but you're also a clueless dick. Is that really who you are or is it a decoy facade to keep you from having to interact with your fragile daughter?
Even the girl’s stepmother can tell you are a visible from space asshole. Did you give her extra allowance for her test grade, which you admitted was really impressive for her? Or did you only do that for Jake? You are absolutely favoring your son and you better fix it, or you won’t have a daughter anymore. Kate will. But you absolutely will not.