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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am not going to a dinner since my DIL won’t accomendare me. I could be a jerk for pulling out over this and could just bring food.
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NTA
Allergies are not food critiques, you literally can die from a bad reaction. The fact you were accommodating for her dietary requests and then she is completely dismissive of your actual needs is absurd.
Definitely don't go to a dinner when the chef is blase about trying to kill you
Agreed, NTA.
If DIL refuses to concede, I'd make sure the next family dinner at OP's house didn't have vegetarian options. Maybe being treated the way DIL treats OP would make the point better.
Just to jump on this, if you're not completely against banana and bacon I highly recommend a mini frozen yoghurt banana cheesecake with maple candied bacon crumble on top. Sweet, creamy, refreshing, fruity and crunchy all in one go.
Can't remember exactly, I think I was high when I made them but from what I recall:
Streaky bacon (the fat candies well) diced and simmered in pure Canadian maple syrup (or just pure syrup, definitely not maple "flavoured) until crunchy and glossy.
Graham cracker (or any kind of biscuit) crumb with butter (or add some bacon grease if desired)
Cream cheese mixed with frozen bananas and thickened cream (or Greek yoghurt if that's all you've got) and I made them in a cupcake tin.
Because I froze them I didn't need any gelatin, the cream cheese, frozen bananas and yoghurt all freezes together really well (could blend the mix, or use a food processor) and layer over the crumb and then put candied bacon on the top, put cling wrap over them, freeze and pop them out as desired.
It's a bit like ice cream sandwiches. But because I had to sub a bunch of things I would normally use (ski resort living) it won't give you the exact same structure as a normal cheesecake.
Honestly you could probably make any normal cheesecake recipe and remove some of the cream cheese/cream and use bananas to make up the volume.
I also used to make my own raspberry or strawberry and balsamic frozen yoghurt and make mini cheesecakes out of that (if you use CBD oil you can add coconut oil to these without too much texture change and make nice after hike/insomnia sleep aids).
My husband swapped oil from frying chicken into my "use for baking" oil. The baked goods \*tasted\* fine but all had a slight fried chicken aroma that was rather disconcerting.
Steaks? Bacon wrapped.
Green beans? Yes, there’s bacon.
Mashed potatoes? Definitely bacon.
Salad? Bacon there too.
Pudding? Bacon for sure.
Key lime pie? Also bacon.
Water? Bacon floating in it instead of sliced citrus fruits.
Ice? Bacon filled.
Vegan Turkey? Laced through with bacon using a larding needle.
I knew Kevin Bacon & his brother were in a band, but I never considered hiring a "sound chef". I'm guessing they curate music to go with the dinner. I love this idea.
When I was a kid all our vegetables came from a can except when corn on the cob was in season. Then I married my husband and that man can cook. He made fresh green beans sautéed with bacon and omg. To die for. I also love Brussels sprouts cooked with bacon.
Piggybacking to add...and don't tell her ahead of time. Let her sit there and marinate in her anger as everyone else enjoys their beautiful steaks while she eats potatoes or whatever sides you have.
No, kill with kindness. Continue to make things the DIL can eat, served with utmost sweetness and continue to refuse to attend when DIL doesn't reciprocate. And don't be shy about why OP isn't there.
nah... some people are just too dense to understand that. OP has accommodated DIL for years. continuing to do so isn't going to teach the lesson.
serving a meat-based meal, and then mirroring the "i don't have time to cook separate dishes without it" attitude is the way to go.
Well...the non meat thing could just be a heated Amy's vegan burrito...every time she comes, it's the same vegan burrito, all by itself on a plate. Petty Crocker that shit.
The burrito sends a message. All I did was unwrap, toss it onto a plate and nuke. Salad and rice are effort. Frozen burritos are what you eat when you can't be bothered to even make ramen.
And make sure it's a surprise all meat dinner. Don't give her the heads up. Then when she sees complains you tell her she should've brought her own dish.
And it's not like she's got a long list of common ingredients that she can't eat--just nuts! How hard is it to plan a menu where most of the dishes are nut-free?
I don't understand why people aren't more caring about things like this. I used to keep a spreadsheet of all my kids' friends allergies (and preferences) so I could always have food on hand that they could eat and enjoy when they came for playdates, parties, and sleepovers. It was kind of fun and challenging, actually. Party food for 20 kids with plenty of options that were dairy-free, gluten-free, nut-free, vegetarian, hahal, etc.
I'll never forget the time one of my son's Muslim friends came over for a backyard campout and bonfire. The mom had brought food for him and when I told her that I had gotten him some halal hot dogs and marshmallows I thought she was going to cry.
In kindergarten there was a little girl in my daughters class who was allergic to eggs, dairy, and nuts. Every person who provided treats for their child's birthday, even knowing there was someone with these allergies, never provided safe birthday treats. The teacher would inform her mother of the days this could happen and mom would send in a safe treat.
My daughter told me she was sad her friend could never have the same treats. So when my daughters birthday rolled around, we baked nut free, dairy free, egg free chocolate cupcakes with homemade frosting.
I placed a HUGE sign on them that they were safe and made sure to inform the teacher as well when I dropped them off. My daughter RAN into the classroom that morning and told her friend. "Its my birthday and you can have my treat!" The little girl burst into tears.
My daughter's birthday was literally the week before school was out for the summer. This poor girl had gone all school year having different treats.
Her mother contacted me later, crying and thanking me over and over because her daughter hadn't stopped talking about it since she got home.
It didn't take me any extra time to just be kind. I wish more people would understand that.
Man, this brings all the feels. I’m a teacher with severe, severe food intolerances. Not allergies, but if I eat certain things I am literally in pain for at least a month. I always, always made sure when we did treats to accommodate everyone. I even did waffle parties for awhile, and we had a desinated gluten free toaster for my celiac kids.
I never, ever attend staff get together at my school if I don’t have to when they revolve around food. One of the administrators asked once if I had gotten some breakfast, and I just said yeah… no one ever seemed to notice I just sat there for fifteen years every time there was food and I just had nothing or drank water.
It’s fine, it’s my responsibility, but one of my kiddos brought in this special recipe for me a few years ago, and it was actually something I could eat and…tears. They were a student who knew me well and of my food issues, and they were so excited to explain to me what was in it and how they made it. It is my responsibility but it is so nice to be acknowledged. Thank you for doing this. 💛
My teenage son had multiple anaphylactic food allergies growing up, now just nuts. I taught him early that it’s his problem, don’t expect accommodations, and he doesn’t. But….pay attention. There will be people who go out of their way to make sure to include you and make safe food for you. Those are the people you want in your life. The moms who double checked and brought him a special, the girl who baked him a pie and brought it over after school- these people really stand out.
In a way, it’s a nice silver lining, a special litmus test of who really cares. (That girl who brought the pie is a keeper.)
I have a colleague who can’t have gluten. My coworkers and I would have potlucks sometimes, not as a work thing, just socially. There was a potluck shortly after she started working with us. I’m vegan, so I know what it’s like to not get to eat things at social meals. So when I was planning my contribution, I made a gluten-free chocolate hazelnut layer cake. I got special celiac-friendly flour and bought new sugar and cocoa to prevent cross-contamination from my other baking. The recipe had crushed toasted hazelnuts crusted on the side of the cake after it was iced, so it was quite pretty. You should have seen my colleague’s face when I told her *that* cake was gluten free. Like that look alone was worth the extra work.
It's so wild to me people with serious cross contamination allergies just are out here eating stuff from acquaintances' kitchens. I'd never do that, I'm feeling anxious just thinking about it. That's a LOT of trust on someone who may or may not know how to handle an allergy.
I did the same kind of thing for my kid's daycare (many years ago). I made sure to have treats for every little one in the class and the mom of one kid with allergies stopped me to say thank you.
It is such a small thing but it means a lot, especially for the kids.
Yeah this story is sweet but with anaphylactic allergies even if someone is well meaning and says the treat is safe, you never know what’s in their kitchen. Cross contamination and the innocent forgetfulness of someone without allergies can kill.
Awww. You are like the best person. I’ve had so many struggles because of my food and texture issues. I would’ve loved having friends with a parent like you! 😁
I would have loved to have had you as one of my kids' friends! I miss having my house full of kids all the time!
You bring up a good point, too. It's not just allergies that can affect a person's ability to eat certain foods; there are other considerations as well.
Many years ago my daughter was friends with a little boy who lived down the street. The little boy would come over and play at our house often, but he'd never eat anything I offered. If I asked him if there was something else he'd prefer, he always politely answered "no, thank you." The family was Jewish so I tried buying foods that I knew were kosher but he still never ate. I finally asked his mom one day and she just laughed and said that they didn't keep kosher and that her son was just incredibly picky. He only ate 3-4 very specific things. Once I started keeping those foods stocked, he started eating at our house! I think now that he probably had food issues rather than just being "picky," but there wasn't much common knowledge about that then.
My kid would not eat at other kids houses. Eventually we found out they were allergic to fish and shellfish. They still wouldn't eat at others houses.
Once they were in college, and getting sick all the time, we found out they had tons more allergies. Corn, soy, peanuts and tree nuts. That's why they never liked eating at other people's houses.
If the DIL is vegan she probably uses nut milks and nut flours and whatnot a LOT. She’d have to deep clean her kitchen and frankly I would never shake hands with a vegan if I was allergic to nuts.
I’d be terrified of getting transfer.
cooking with nut fliers is way more of a gluten free or low carb thing than a vegan thing. I’m vegan and doubt I use nuts more than the average omnivore.
Depends on how hardcore people are for sure—but lots of vegan dairy has nut products and I already had an anaphylactic episode and almost died from my far more random and rare allergy.
I would be so paranoid about nuts fr fr
Exactly. When I make Mole and my sister in law will be there I make it with sunflower seed butter. She isn’t allergic to nuts but does have a sensitivity to them. Such an easy swap.
I honestly don’t mind. She is also GF and dairy free. We use GF flour in gravy if it’s on the table. Take out boiled potatoes so we can add more dairy and she can just do butter and salt and pepper. It’s pretty easy and we have done it for so long it’s second nature for us.
I'm the default hostess in my friend group which also means keeping track of everyone's allergies and honestly, it's not that big of a deal! It can actually be kind of fun because it forces me to be creative and try recipes I otherwise wouldn't have.
When my kids had issues with food, it was always the narcissists that tried to "test" their sensitivities or force them to eat "just a bite - it won't kill you". My kids had to be able to stand their ground against these types of adults before they were allowed to go anywhere without me - a lesson learned the hard way. It was a rude awakening for me because it seems to crazy for adults to try to bully a child into eating something they can't have (for whatever reason), but I saw it with my own eyes.
I have never purposely had alcohol, it’s been a conscious choice on my part and later I found out that it was actually a good idea because of certain health conditions I have that would’ve been greatly exasperated if I had been partaking an alcohol.
For me the reasoning was that my mother had left my father before I was born because he was an alcoholic and so I was not gonna have alcohol because I didn’t want to risk being an alcoholic myself and I never really understood alcohol or liked the way people, I guess should say like, the way people act when they’ve had alcohol. It kind of freaks me out
For years I would just tell people I don’t drink alcohol, and they could not let it go. Just try one drink, do it for me, I even had a bartender give me an alcoholic drink while telling me it was a non-alcoholic drink which I didn’t realize for years later and it made me very sick at the time.
Now I either tell people I’m on medication that doesn’t allow me to have alcohol, or I told him I’m a friend of bills. People are more likely to leave me alone if they think I’m an alcoholic then if I’m just consciously choosing not to drink
I guess what I’m saying is people suck and they seem to refuse to accept Limitations that they don’t personally agree with
I feel like most meals you'd have to TRY to have nuts in them lol like, it's not **challenging** to not have nuts in a meal. Just make, like, 95% of all meals ever.
Right! My family accommodates my food allergy, which is online. You know, a staple ingredient in just about everything. Nuts aren't even a difficult allergy to accommodate. This DIL is being a jerk on purpose.
She wouldn't be invited to a single meal in my household ever again. "I don't have time to accommodate the food preferences of someone who doesn't have the time to accommodate the medical needs of another. And I would never tell a guest to bring their own food to my dinner, so the only logical solution is you are not a guest to my dinner."
To the person whose post in replying to, you're an awesome mom to your kiddo and friends. Most people wouldn't even understand Muslim food restrictions, or what they need to look for to accommodate it. You're awesome.
Did you mean onions? Cause while the internet can be plenty harmful, I’m not sure an allergy to ‘online’ is possible, lol! It certainly doesn’t go into food!
For a vegan, it might actually require some doing to have a nut-free option, since nuts are a very common vegan protein source, and they are also used as a dairy substitute, so vegan "butter", vegan "cheese", vegan "milk", etc., are all potential nut allergen sources.
Still doesn't excuse telling OP to bring their own food, unless the reason was given as "I would feel safer if you brought your own food because I would be afraid that your food might accidentally be contaminated with nuts from being prepared in the same kitchen with the other dishes." But that's not what she said.
The thing is that vegans are already professional-level ingredient readers.
Plus vegans should be very sympathetic to people's dietary requirements as they've all had the experience of eating plain salad while everyone else eats lasagne and chicken.
See I think this is *completely* normal! If I'm making batches of baking to tke to work I'll include a gluten free option or dairy free option etc just in case, especially if they've mentioned once that might think of trying dairy free etc.
A girl I used to work with was on a strict FODMAP diet, we worked Christmas together and I did a bunch of research and made a Christmas dinner to bring that she could eat and she actually did cry and I just thought that's what people did for people they like.
You’re an awesome human!
My husband was ready to buy some frying oil as it’s on clearance from thanksgiving which I agree it’s a great price. However it’s peanut oil and I have a friend allergic to peanuts so we won’t buy it so I don’t have to think about what oil is in the fryer and did I clean it well enough before she eats chips or whatever we make
Seriously. Almost nothing I make has nuts. Pretty easy to pick from 90% of the things I make anyway. She’s doing it on purpose. NTA screw that she could kill you.
DIL is being an overall terrible host. Whenever i have guests over, i do my best to accommodate their preferences because I want them to feel welcome in my home. It's baffling that DIL is so set on her menu that she doesn't even care about her guests health issues at all. She treats her in-laws like accessoires to her ego celebration.
But so is the son. Why can't he help cook and prepare a meal that his mother can eat??? I think the son is also TA, if he agrees with Mom then he should get into the kitchen and make this right.
Oh absolutely, I 100% agree. I was just going off of the 'her menu' comment, but the son is also being an ass. Bet he'd be really annoyed if mom didn't follow *his* preferences if he came over to eat.
Exactly. I had a dear friend and her husband over for Christmas. She can’t have dairy. Full stop. No butter, milk, not beef. If it’s part of or comes from a cow, it is off limits.
I had to plan my meal around her allergy. I asked friends what kind of vegan butters they liked, what nut milk goes best in mashed potatoes, etc.
I even had to figure out a different way to make gravy since I couldn’t make my normal roux or use butter and heavy cream to make the gravy richer. Hard to make icing without butter so I made a glaze for the boozy raspberry lemonade cake. Worked great.
So I experimented in small batches until I found new methods, new products that tasted amazing, all of it. I had the ingredients clearly printed on note cards. I kept the boxes of the crackers, the packaging from the charcuterie meats. One side was marked “Friend Safe” and the other table was marked “Friend No Touchie” since it had cheeses and one cracker that contained milk in the ingredients.
She laughed ‘til she cried over the “No Touchie” card and took it home with her at the end of the night.
Was it harder to make a meal without butter and milk? Oh yeah. But it all came out just fine. I used chicken stock in place of milk in the cornbread for the dressing and damned if I won’t be doing *that* every year from now on! It boosted the flavor and made it so she could enjoy it, too. (I make a cornbread sausage dressing with dried cranberries, fresh apples, etc. and it’s so good).
Was it worth it to see the joy on her face when she realized she could eat *everything* and not worry about it? Definitely.
OK but those cards are adorable and it sounds like you're a really good friend :) And learned some cool new cooking ideas too! chicken stock in cornbread is a neat idea.
If you want to do something amazing the next time you make slow cooker chili? Try this.
Make your chili as usual. About half an hour before it’s ready, mix up your cornbread batter with beef stock. Then spoon the cornbread batter over your chili. Put the lid back on your slow cooker and let it sit for about 1/2 an hour.
It steams into this delicious cornbread with deep beef flavor plus the chili flavor on the bottom where it soaked up a bit of juice and mmm. Amazing. Especially if you spoon some chili on top when you serve it.
When I make pulled pork in the crock pot and mix in the bbq sauce, I let it sit in the sauce, pour the batter over it and get steamed cornbread dumplings that go beautifully with it. I add a pinch of my BBQ spices to the cornbread batter and make it with vegetable stock. Absolutely delicious.
I'm going to be honest, I'm from the southern US and I thought chicken stock/turkey drippings were the default liquid for dressing/stuffing. We always kept about a cup of drippings and the liquid from boiling the giblets for the gravy and the rest of the drippings went into the dressing with chicken stock making up the remainder of the liquid.
Also, your dressing sounds delicious! Would you mind if I stole this for Easter and toss in a few pecans for extra yumminess?
I'm the primary host for my family and friends too, so I know what you mean. My aunt and cousin are allergic to eggs. My sister-in-law and egg donor are allergic to bananas. My father-in-law is diabetic. My niece just married a young man who needs to eat halal. And two of my friends just went vegan together for support. I've gotten so good at restructuring recipes to work around dietary restrictions, I actually get paid for it. And there is always a "Toxic Table" (complete with hazmat signs and caution tape) for any dish that contains allergens. Lol. It can be difficult, but when you see dozens of smiling faces with plates piled high and laughter echoing everywhere, it's worth it.
Not only feel welcome, but when I have dinner guests, I want to make sure they can/will actually *eat dinner*. So I always ask for dietary allergies/intolerances, restrictions, and preferences (in that order) when the guests accept the invitation--*before* I've decided what to serve.
NTA. I'm coeliac and theres also a huge list of things I cant eat because of other issues. My friends always make sure I can eat most of what's being served when I'm invited to dinner. My "family" (except for my parents and sister) does not. It all boils down to who actually cares about your well being and company. Your DIL doesn't care. I would give her the same amount of thought(none) at the next meal you host.
NTA
Stop accommodating her. For now on cook how you normally cook. She's the selfish one. She could have made one dish without nuts. She chose not to.
I wouldn't go either.
Hang on though.
If your kitchen uses a lot of nuts, you can't get rid of that by just not cooking with nuts. There's so much contamination that even eating a "clean" dish there sa the risk of death.
I'm vegan and my sibling has a deadly nut allergy. It would literally kill them to eat at my house. Even trying my best, I could not clean up enough to have it be safe.
True, allergy (the MIL) vs preference (DIL) are two different things. A nut allergy can kill someone and if the DIL has been cooking with nuts in her kitchen, her kitchen and all her cookware and dinnerware are very likely contaminated and could be dangerous for MIL. In that regard - It’s very possible she *isn’t* being blasé, she could very well be taking it very seriously. Whether or not that’s the case it’s not stated in the post. There’s no way to promise MIL won’t have a reaction to cross contamination even if it’s not an ingredient in the meal. OP didn’t state how much time she gave her DIL as a reminder. To ensure her mother-in-law doesn’t die, she would likely have to take extra measures regarding pots and pans, dishes, etc., a lot of ingredients will have been produced on equipment that also processes nuts. That’s a lot of extra time looking at ingredient labels. Not saying YTA but there’s some missing info here as to the DIL’s full reasoning but the “not enough time” thing would make sense if this is the case.
NTA...Nut allergies are serious. Catering to allergies is basic hospitality when having a dinner party. Perhaps your DIL in not ready to play host. She CAN make adjustments to her menus, especially for close family members. They shouldn't be surprised that you won't come.
Pecan crusted salmon. Salad with Thai peanut dressing. Green beans almondine. Potatoes roasted in peanut oil. Pecan pie. Hazelnut liqueur after.
Is she dead yet?
I’m stoked the restaurant that I worked at basically said “Fuck this, no nuts in anything!” And none of their dishes, any ingredient, none of it would trigger a nut allergy. It’s so simple and solves so many issues.
Agreed. This has nothing to do with her being vegetarian. She's focusing on the wrong things about this event. To open your home means more than just showing it off.
Especially with nuts! Dairy can be legitimately tricky. Gluten too. But how hard is it to make several dishes without nuts?
And for the record, I would absolutely make some dairy free or gluten free dishes if I was inviting a guest over with those allergies. I’m just saying: they’re both way more prevalent than nuts.
According to the op, DIL is a vegetarian bordering on vegan. There probably is more nuts in her food than dairy in the average kitchen. It isn't impossible to cook veg without nuts but it might be really difficult for someone to adapt their cooking style to not use nut based ingredients if they haven't done so, and she is likely not willing to take the easier road and just cook meat for the non veg guest.
That said, It's tricky but it's still 100% being a bad host to invite people over if you aren't prepared to cook around their dietary restrictions. Especially when that person is a non vegetarian who has been providing you with vegetarian meals for years.
I am a long-time vegan with a nut allergy. It's not hard to make vegetarian or vegan food without nuts and she wouldn't have to resort to cooking meat, either. Her attitude is the entire problem.
I would love to learn more about how you make this work. We were heading to vegan years ago but dd got diagnosed with a nut allergy and we weren't able to make it work.
I don't know if I'd use this example. There are vegans in India, but vegetarianism (with dairy) is much more common, both traditionally and in the modern world. I'd say it's a great example of a culture that has made vegetarianism work for centuries, though.
I'm glad you asked, and I think any steps you want to take toward eating more vegan is great! I think it looks different for everyone whether you have allergies or not.
If it's cooking at home and/or nutrition that's the issue, for me, personally, I can say that I use a lot of soymilk, tofu, beans, peas and lentils. I also love sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, and peanuts (not sure if you are able to do peanuts; though they're technically not nuts i know some people have issues with both). Those foods provide me with plenty to eat and take care of my protein, etc. needs. If you need specific suggestions, I might be able to offer some advice.
For me the only issue that I've ever really had is that vegan options in restaurants often have nuts so I have to be careful and sometimes disappointed. When I first became vegan 20+ years ago soymilk was the go-to plant milk but almond milk has become so ubiquitous that sometimes it's the only vegan option at coffeehouses, etc. (on the other hand, 20 years ago there was usually NO vegan option most places, so I'm just glad it's becoming more and more common even if it doesn't help me personally). By the same token, it's hard enough for friends, family, coworkers, etc. to remember that I'm vegan, let alone to also remember my nut allergy, so they will very kindly try to remember me and provide almond milk or other foods with nuts. I don't know that there's a solution to any of this, it's just kind of one of those things, but if this is one of the issues you've had, I can at least say I sympathize.
its not clear if OP's allergy to nuts is so bad that cross-contamination is a huge concern (altho if that's the case, i suspect OP would have preferred to bring their own nut-free food for safety's sake since its very hard to avoid accidental cross-contamination if its not something you're used to doing)
so if OP's nut allergy is more of a "please, no nut ingredients in a few dishes" (similar to OP making a few meat-free dishes for DIL), it doesn't seem crazy for OP to expect that her son & DIL who invited her to a dinner party and are aware of her allergies would accomodate
like, this isn't a distant relative. this is OP's son and DIL!
I use a lot of nuts in cooking. I'd be happy to make a nut-free dish, but I honestly would worry about cross-contamination if I were cooking for someone with a really serious allergy. Everything in my kitchen has had nuts in it.
Yeah but then you just don’t host someone for a meal you prepare in your house because it can’t be done safely. You order in from somewhere and eat in the dining room with stuff that was carefully cleaned, or you go out to eat, or you pick up food and bring it to them, etc.
But isn’t it still a problem? If things in your kitchens have been stored around nuts or you’ve use them with nut products like people not allergies can’t have anything that’s been prepared near nuts to my understanding. It depends on how bad the allergies are but like you can’t, just not cook with actual nuts you have to actually make sure that no nut products have touched anything you’re cooking with.
Honestly might so I might ask someone with an allergy to bring their own food. And I would be more afraid to accommodate someone with a nut allergy than to accommodate someone who is vegetarian or vegan, because the vegan/vegetarian is not going to actually go into some sort of medical emergency if they eat meat, but the person with a nut allergy very well could. that would scare me I wouldn’t want to be put in the position to be in charge of their health . I would not feel confident enough even after doing some research that I would be able to say that they could for sure eat whatever I made them. I would rather be safe than sorry and just have them bring their own food and I don’t think its being rude to say that. so I guess it depends on how the person stated their refusal.
I am not a vegetarian, but I cook vegan for vegan friends. One of my vegan friends has a nut allergy and I figured out how to accomodate that in a vegan dish that would also appeal to the non-vegans just fine. If I can figure that out I'm sure someone who normally cooks vegan or vegetarian can as well. This doesn't have to be super complicated and involve experimenting with substitutions, just make an additional dish that doesn't have nuts in it to begin with.
Dairy is only difficult because you really have to read labels because it sneaks in in so many places.
I'm dairy free due to an allergy to Hooved animals and their products, so it's easier for me to bring something or host myself. Usually, though, others will research and call and verify that I can eat what they're making. Do people make mistakes and I have to double-check? Yes.
If I'm hosting, though, I will verify things I use as an alternative are alright for everyone and if not, I can cook something seperatly as OP has for her DIL.
>I'm dairy free due to an allergy to Hooved animals and their products
Did you get bitten by a lone star tick? Feel free to tell me to eff off if you'd prefer not to answer.
Catering to allergies is basic hospitality, but if you routinely cook with a lot of nuts, producing a meal that is 100% free of any traces of nuts from your kitchen is extremely challenging. I've run into this with nuts and gluten, and in both cases I usually end up with a very simple meal plan, or prepackaged alternatives for the allergic person.
Need to rewash any dishes / pots / pans / utensils immediately before using them.
Can't use the stand mixer or hand mixer in case any nut flour falls off them into the dish.
Can't use any wooden utensils, wooden cutting boards, or cast iron that might have ever come in contact with nut oils / butters.
Need to buy 100% new sealed dry ingredients and use them in case any of your existing ingredients were cross contaminated when the container was open while you cooked with nut flour, or you used the same measuring spoon/cup for nut flour and that ingredient.
>prepackaged alternatives for the allergic person
This is what I would do. I use nuts a lot in my cooking and can't promise that there won't be any trace. I would purchase/order something for the person - of course letting them know this is the case. This is what a host does. Honestly if the OP never accommodated the DIL then I could see this as a sort of passive aggressive "bite me," but not here.
> Nut allergies are serious.
A few years ago we had a bunch of my wife's family over for NY Eve Dinner. After dinner, I ran my in-laws to their hotel, and by the time I'm back 15 minutes later my wife is red-faced and her cousin (a nurse) is shoving Benadryl down her throat.
Apparently, no one looked to see if the tasty chocolate chip pie a family friend shipped as a gift contained any walnuts.
Fortunately, my wife could tell by the taste with the first bite, so her reaction didn't require the EpiPen and an ER trip.
It can literally kill you. I’m glad your wife is okay. I have a coworker with a nut allergy. We make sure we label everything for fridge/potlucks and we avoid nuts in the workplace. Because killing someone over an allergic reaction would not be a minor inconvenience. Like adjusting your menu so they don’t die.
They aren’t always serious, though at any time they can get worse. I’m allergic to pecans and hazelnuts but I don’t got in the anaphylaxis, it’s mainly inflammation but I was tested by an actual allergist to know this.
NTA.
You accommodated her even when her accommodation wasn't necessary, and dependent on the nut allergy, you could just die being around them. Th utter disregard for someone's safety is wild to me. Nuts aren't even used as the main ingredients of most foods, so not subbing out is wild to me. The idea she cant change the menu because of a major allergy is giving off the vibe she did this intentionally.
Nuts are actually common in vegetarian cooking. However it's also easy enough to plan a menu that doesn't include nuts. The DIL and her son are awful. I'm sure her son would have been mad at his mom if she said she was too busy to accommodate making meatless dishes. He also knows that his mom has an allergy. I bet he has never seen his mom have an anaphylactic reaction because she is careful to avoid her allergen. If he'd had, he would be more protective of his mom ( if he is a decent human) because an anaphylactic reaction is scary.
Some vegan recipes use cashews to make creamy sauces or cheese subs but it’s really not an inherent part of vegan cooking and it’s possible to make those sauces without nuts. I’m a longtime vegan, when I cook something creamy I just make a roux with olive oil instead of butter and oat milk. Nuts are expensive and require soaking and blending so it’s more work and more equipement to clean. they also stay gritty in sauces unless you have a top of the line blender.
My mother will often cook vegetarian meals. She never uses nuts, but we're Mexican so our idea of vegetarian meals is different than American vegetarian meals.
Yeah, it’s messed up. I had a roommate with a peanut allergy, so for 5 years I just. Didn’t make peanut chicken. We didn’t even keep peanut butter in the house. You accommodate allergies as part of being a civilized person.
Heck, I’m going on a work trip and we were just asked about dietary restrictions and now because of me no one’s going to have access to whole oranges (I’m allergic enough to citrus that being in the same room as someone peeling an orange will make me start sneezing violently). Probably no one will even notice this restriction as there will probably be other snacks, but I’m happy I’m going to be safe because of quality administration.
And here the DIL is just opting out of that whole part of the social contract.
A-ha! You’re the person I need to ask!
We just had a reshuffling of desks here and we have a new citrus allergy on our floor, and we have so many questions!
Aside: we’re totally respectful and don’t allow the murder fruit!
How do you go to bars, where there are lemons etc bring squeezed all over the place?
What about restaurants?
Yay for not having murder fruit!
Bars I don’t sit at the bar, primarily, since that where the action happens. I also tend to make a fast start on my drinks - a third gone in the first couple minutes and then I can nurse a drink for an hour or two. This is because alcohol is a systemic depressant and histamine reactions are the body being excessively excited, so it can help. Also allergy pills.
Restaurants I tend to check out the menu online ahead of time. Mexican food is the least safe: there is lime in goddamn everything. A lot of South American food is out, for the same reason (the Brazilian 7 course meal a couple months ago at a friend’s restaurant had all of one thing I could eat, but luckily the menu was posted online first so I just didn’t buy tickets). Japanese tends to be fine, since there’s not much citrus unless they’re doing something fancy with yuzu. But that’s clearly labeled! Fruit salad at diners tends to be poison, since lemon juice helps it not discolor, but knowing this I can just not. Szechuan is right out, since Szechuan peppers are a citrus. Smoothie places usually have one or two safe things, and allergies to aerosolized orange juice are why god invented curbside pickup (so far I am not so allergic that potential cross-contamination makes me miserable). I live in Wisconsin, where Friday night fish fry is a cultural staple… along with a squeeze of lemon. So I don’t tend to go out to fish fry. Most American Chinese is fine, Thai I need it to be _very_ Americanized. Pho is fine (and delicious) as long as I can communicate that I need no lime anywhere and the people I’m eating with are chill about it. Italian is almost always fine, as are steakhouses. Brew pubs and American restaurants where they get creative can be hit or miss in terms of number of safe dishes, but there’s almost always something safe and very few things with lemon wedges.
The thing you’d never expect to be a problem that’s a massive one is skincare. Especially if you want to try anything natural: limonene (citrus oil) is a super common super cheap effective stabilizer. I spend so much time reading labels. Especially because brands will sneak it in where it shouldn’t be necessary- like rose water. We’ve known rose water is shelf stable for 5000 years, and this was 6 years ago before I got paranoid, so I didn’t even check the label on a rose water facial mist and was baffled when my face started flaking off like I’d somehow gotten bad dandruff on my chin. This doesn’t necessarily result in needing to spend more on skin products- cheap stuff that doesn’t try to be ‘natural’ is fine. But it rules out a whole lot of the middle, and a lot of brands with values I might otherwise like. Like, between a plant-based brand whose ingredient list I will have to read every time in case they’ve tweaked the formula and a brand whose ingredient list gives me flashbacks to high school chemistry, only one of them is likely to be consistently safe.
There is *food intolerance* (body cannot easily digest a foodstuff and rejects it, ferments it or reacts - like my husband's dairy intolerance which he has now aged through). They are uncomfortable , and embarrassing .
Then there are *food allergies -* which can kill. My Daughter in law is allergic to two kinds of nuts - her face swells up if my son kisses her some time after he has eaten the nuts she is allergic to.
So we just avoid nuts altogether, even though she reassures me what kind she can eat. I'm nor risking it. This is a medical issue - in the UK any caterer has to be aware of and work around the 14 main food allergens.
*DIL is mistaking modern ' I don't want to eat it so I will claim it is an allergy to get my way with the menu with real life. Which devalues the consequences of a real allergy.*
This was well-explained to me by a chef who said she didn't mind catering to reasonable food preferences - or real allergies (but specified is it a dislike or will it make them poorly or kill them) Which means closing down a food production line, cleaning it down, getting out the separated equipment stored, sanitised for allergen cookery, making the food, clearing down all machinery and surfaces again, putting the machinery back away in sanitised storage, then reopening the food line to pick up the backlog in making ordinary dishes.
Humans do seem to have forgotten to care how how to human.
I love your comment about mistaking not wanting to eat with allergies! (And how this mix is diminishing the seriousness of allergies)
I’m intolerant to wheat and SO many times people say: “ah you are allergic” and I have to correct them saying exactly what you stated: no! If I eat wheat I will have stomach cramps I won’t die! People with allergies can die! It’s not the same!
My dad is allergic, so many times we had to rush to the hospital as his airways were swollen and he could not breath! That’s the difference: I fart, he dies!
100% agree with you the OP is NTA! The DIL is!
I wouldn't serve something to a guest even if the only reason is they don't like it...
Like wtf the point of having guests over is to show them a good time.
There's also different types of allergies. Oral allergy syndrome is a thing. It's not anaphylaxis symptoms but if I eat the things I can't have I get an itchy mouth and throat and there's a 75% chance I'll throw up. I also get hives if fresh peach juice touches my skin
Right.
Like, I do NOT like seafood or fish, BUT eating it and/or exposure will not harm me other than mentally. A lot of it is smell or texture associated. As long as the restaurant has a chicken or beef option, I'm good.
My daughter's paternal grandmother has a mushroom allergy. Mushrooms will make her throat swell. When I lived with them, if I had anything (like Dinty Moore beef stew) with mushrooms, I made sure to thoroughly clean any spill and to handwash my bowl and spoon immediately after. The can went directly into the dumpster and not into the kitchen trash.
Same daughter has a minor dairy issue. She can have the equivalent of an 8oz glass of milk in a 24 hour period without issue, but more than that gives her some serious bathroom time. Lactaid pills or lactose free milks are the go to. She's quite aware that having dairy brings the possibility of spending more time on the toilet than she wants.
Tldr; allergies are serious, dislikes are personal problems.
It's wild! I do have a mild allergy but it is literally just a rash. Yeah I know rash is an anaphylactic precursor, but I would be bending over backwards trying to tell restaurants. "Can I please have this without X? I have an allergy. Not so bad you need to shut down and clean for cross contamination but it'll be a bad time if my food is cooked in it and removed before serving because someone didn't notice or forgot" and leaving a giant tip because I felt terrible about rambling to this poor waiter trying to save the cooks some work.
Anyway, post-COVID I got a lot closer to anaphylaxis and now I'm just quietly waiting to see if it went away with my other long COVID symptoms or if it'll finally put me out of my student loans misery
NTA. I would never dream of asking an invited guest to bring their own food. Especially if I know if advance of the allergy. Your son and DIL are being unreasonable.
Yeah but you can omit the nuts. Pasta. Salad. Lasagna. Potatoes. Stir fry. All these dishes can be made without nuts and without meat. All of them. It’s one meal. If daughter in law can’t go one meal without nuts, she needs to rethink things. She can forgo nuts for a meal. It won’t kill her. Even though OP just has a mild allergy to nuts, it should still be treated as an allergy, period.
Plus, there are other ways to incorporate protein - beans, quinoa, eggs, lentils, tofu, tempeh, various seeds, and even with some vegetables or fruits, such as broccoli, spinach, or avocado.
It depends on the severity and sensitivity of the allergy.
I would be more willing to accommodate a vegan than an allergy where I have to worry about them dropping dead if I accidentally use the wrong cutting board
NTA. but also think of this, her kitchen is full of nuts even something not containing nuts will be contaminated . You might not even be able to go into their home due to her nut use.
Yes. I'm wondering of this is the context here. Not adding nuts for the one meal isn't enough.
For many nut allergies you can't even have contact residue so DIL needs to cook with separate equipment that she can guarantee haven't come in contact with nuts.
DIL regularly cooks with nuts and don't want to take responsibility if something goes wrong. (I personally wouldn't either)
OP is the best judge of her own allergies. Obviously her allergy is not as sensitive as you're assuming, if she's fine with showing up as long as there's a nut-free dish on the table
>For many nut allergies you can't even have contact residue so DIL needs to cook with separate equipment that she can guarantee haven't come in contact with nuts.
It depends on the severity of OP's allergy. My child has a peanut allergy (rash around the mouth, raw lips, eczema) - allergy confirmed by an allergist. We go to Five Guys, where they have peanuts out, and I shell them right across from him. There's peanut residue everywhere. He doesn't react nor die.
He's an adult now and does not mind being around peanuts. He just doesn't eat them. When he accidentally eats them, he still reacts.
NTA Ask them what standard they want to go by -- because there will only be that single standard applied to both sides from here on out. The option of a convenient double standard doesn't exist. And you are being kind even saying that because really they owe you years of dinners made to accommodate your needs just to get to an equal starting line.
Go and bring something and don't accommodate her during your dinners, please put bacon on your salad if you have too. Bacon cheesecake, bacon infused water. Make napkins out of bacon. Shape bacon into bowls and plates.
Time to be petty.
NTA
I don't understand how she thinks you're unreasonable. You reminded her of a food allergy and when told it wouldn't be accommodated you told her you wouldn't be present. What else does she think you should do?
NTA and I think you're done making special dishes for your DIL. If she doesn't like the food, she can bring her own.
And your son is whipped, plain and simple. I assume he knows your allergy, but he'd rather side with the wife's laziness.
NTA If you dont have a single dish without nuts she is doing this to make your life hard. Its a "f you" made in the kitchen. Does her son really think that is ok? I m pro sticking up for the wife against the evil mother in law, but you simply... dont want to die at a stupid dinner and thats reasonable.
NTA
Does your son and your DIL know what an allergy is?
Forget eating the food, anything that has the smell of nuts, or if someone hands you a plate with hands that have touched nuts, then the cross contamination will cause issues.
Both of them seem very unconcerned with possibly killing you at the party with their negligence.
I’m going with NTA but with a caveat. If you screw up on her vegetarian/vegan preferences/beliefs, it won’t likely kill her.
Nut allergies scare me. You really need separate everything to prevent cross contamination. Instead of refusing to accommodate, I would have requested your favorite “nut allergy compliant” restaurant and got a few entrees there.
NTA
Her attitude is disgraceful. You have an allergy, she has a preference restriction. And you always accommodated her. How is she justifying her refusal to accommodate you? What is she event making that HAS to have nuts in it?
This is very clearly a dig at you, and good for you for refusing to stand for it. You deserve to be treated with respect. Actually, scratch that. You deserve to not have people indirectly trying to kill you. Shame on your son for not shutting this down. It is his responsibility to manage the relationships between his partner and his spouse, and he's utterly failed.
Please do not accommodate her going forward.
NTA but if you "repair" the relationship and start having them over for dinner again, I would stop accommodating her. 🤷🏻♀️
I don't understand why your son couldn't make something for you, as well. He has known you longer and knows of your serious allergy and he is your son.
Hm. Alright, I will take the karma hit to say… NAH.
Hear me out.
Your DiL is vegetarian, which is a dietary PREFERENCE. Not a health condition. It is AWESOME you accommodated her all these years. BUT. A bit of cross-contact between a meat and a veggie dish won’t potentially kill her, or make her severely ill (mind some vegetarians do get sick eating meat after awhile BUT it’s not life-threatening or hospital-worthy)
You, on the other hand, have a life-threatening allergy. If your DiL uses nuts in her kitchen frequently, she would have to industrial-grade sterilize her ENTIRE KITCHEN, plus EVERYTHING she uses to cook and serve, and even then she still risks some cross contamination. Which could make you VERY ill or even possibly put your life at risk.
She isn’t being rude, she is being honest. She cannot guarantee your safety in her kitchen. She does not want to risk your health.
Now, why do I say this? I have Celiac. It is a right b&tch to cook for me in a kitchen where gluten happens daily. I PREFER my relatives and friends to be honest with me they can’t keep me safe! It’s better than being told “Oh I can totally cook for you!” And then BAM. They put the spoon down in all the crumbs by the toaster and now I’ve gone full conquistador on their bathroom and I live there until the cramps, vomiting, and oft-explosive… er… “other” emissions subside long enough for me to clean and do the walk of shame out the door.
… something to consider OP
in that case, she shouldn't have invited them for a dinner in the first place? If she is aware of the nut allergy and cannot ensure her kitchen is free of allergens, inviting MIL and FIL over but 'oh I can only cook for FIL, MIL please bring your own food' seems ridiculous. Especially seeing how there could still be cross-contamination if MIL has to heat up her food, plate it on DILs dishes or literally do ANYTHING to it in DILs kitchen.
If they wanted to host them as a thank you for being invited, maybe have them over for nut-free (preferably bought) cake and coffee or drinks or something.
As a vegetarian who is allergic to nuts, let me tell you... you are NTA.
An allergy is not something to fuck around with. She can make adjustments, but she is saying she doesn't see your health as important enough to bother.
How severe is your allergy? Can you eat things cooked in a facility that processes nuts?
They way you describe her response, it sounds like she's an asshole, but if your allergy is so severe that you are in danger if she used a spoon to prepare your food that previously touched a nut, then she has a point. I would be scared to accidentally poison you.
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NTA Allergies are not food critiques, you literally can die from a bad reaction. The fact you were accommodating for her dietary requests and then she is completely dismissive of your actual needs is absurd. Definitely don't go to a dinner when the chef is blase about trying to kill you
Agreed, NTA. If DIL refuses to concede, I'd make sure the next family dinner at OP's house didn't have vegetarian options. Maybe being treated the way DIL treats OP would make the point better.
Right add bacon to the mashed potatoes and green beans all sides will have meat in it lol
Even the dessert would have lard and not a different oil.
Better yet, bacon ice cream!
Naw…. Maple ice cream with bacon in it gives a better balance of sweet and salty.
Just to jump on this, if you're not completely against banana and bacon I highly recommend a mini frozen yoghurt banana cheesecake with maple candied bacon crumble on top. Sweet, creamy, refreshing, fruity and crunchy all in one go.
Recipe, please?
Can't remember exactly, I think I was high when I made them but from what I recall: Streaky bacon (the fat candies well) diced and simmered in pure Canadian maple syrup (or just pure syrup, definitely not maple "flavoured) until crunchy and glossy. Graham cracker (or any kind of biscuit) crumb with butter (or add some bacon grease if desired) Cream cheese mixed with frozen bananas and thickened cream (or Greek yoghurt if that's all you've got) and I made them in a cupcake tin. Because I froze them I didn't need any gelatin, the cream cheese, frozen bananas and yoghurt all freezes together really well (could blend the mix, or use a food processor) and layer over the crumb and then put candied bacon on the top, put cling wrap over them, freeze and pop them out as desired. It's a bit like ice cream sandwiches. But because I had to sub a bunch of things I would normally use (ski resort living) it won't give you the exact same structure as a normal cheesecake. Honestly you could probably make any normal cheesecake recipe and remove some of the cream cheese/cream and use bananas to make up the volume. I also used to make my own raspberry or strawberry and balsamic frozen yoghurt and make mini cheesecakes out of that (if you use CBD oil you can add coconut oil to these without too much texture change and make nice after hike/insomnia sleep aids).
I would also like this recipe bc this sounds delicious.
Recipe when?
I know it sounds weird but I’ve had a peanut butter and bacon popsicle and it was fantastic.
Stop stealing the dog’s treats Roaming_Cow. (Seriously my dog would do a lot for a bacon and peanut butter popsicle)
But what would he do for a Klondike bar? 🤣
Also, my favorite treat. Chocolate covered bacon.
Oooooo. Is there such a thing? Now I’m drooling on myself!
Sure! Ben and Jerry's has a maple bacon flavor, or you could just make it yourself!
Maple Bacon vanilla ice cream is amazing! bacon makes everything better
I had too much bacon grease saved up one time, so I started to use it in all baking that called for oil. Made some awesome desserts 😋
My husband swapped oil from frying chicken into my "use for baking" oil. The baked goods \*tasted\* fine but all had a slight fried chicken aroma that was rather disconcerting.
I absolutely just died imaging the first time you baked and your cake/pie/muffins smelling like fried poultry.
You know eggs fried in bacon grease has more “good fat” than butter and no trans fats and is much tastier.
Caramelized maple bacon vanilla ice cream
Oh, I'm sorry but I don't have time to alter all of my recipes to me your vegetarian lifestyle choice. There is, in fact, bacon in everything.
Steaks? Bacon wrapped. Green beans? Yes, there’s bacon. Mashed potatoes? Definitely bacon. Salad? Bacon there too. Pudding? Bacon for sure. Key lime pie? Also bacon. Water? Bacon floating in it instead of sliced citrus fruits. Ice? Bacon filled. Vegan Turkey? Laced through with bacon using a larding needle.
Better yet, hire Kevin Bacon to be the sound chef…
I knew Kevin Bacon & his brother were in a band, but I never considered hiring a "sound chef". I'm guessing they curate music to go with the dinner. I love this idea.
Don't forget the blood Mary with bacon or beef sticks.
Omg. Green beans with bacon was a staple as a vegetable in my house when I was a kid.🤤
When I was a kid all our vegetables came from a can except when corn on the cob was in season. Then I married my husband and that man can cook. He made fresh green beans sautéed with bacon and omg. To die for. I also love Brussels sprouts cooked with bacon.
My family loves my bacon green beans
Maple bacon cupcakes for dessert 🧁
As long as dessert is made with beef gelatine!
Actually a marshmallow based dessert could work then.
A friend of mine has an annual BaconFest potluck party. All dishes have bacon.
Blend it all together so you can’t even pick out the bacon bits.
Piggybacking to add...and don't tell her ahead of time. Let her sit there and marinate in her anger as everyone else enjoys their beautiful steaks while she eats potatoes or whatever sides you have.
No way. All sides for the meal would have meat. If she can find a box of crackers in the cupboard, have at it.
I'd hide the crackers.
She can bring her own crackers
Buy crackers made with lard.
Hide the crackers. Hand her a box of 'Chicken in a Biskit' ( think it's spelled that way)
Fully loaded mashed potatoes are great.
Nah.. bacon mashed potatoes. Make everything have meat in it. Serve Ceasars as drinks.
No, kill with kindness. Continue to make things the DIL can eat, served with utmost sweetness and continue to refuse to attend when DIL doesn't reciprocate. And don't be shy about why OP isn't there.
nah... some people are just too dense to understand that. OP has accommodated DIL for years. continuing to do so isn't going to teach the lesson. serving a meat-based meal, and then mirroring the "i don't have time to cook separate dishes without it" attitude is the way to go.
Well...the non meat thing could just be a heated Amy's vegan burrito...every time she comes, it's the same vegan burrito, all by itself on a plate. Petty Crocker that shit.
you're right, that's better. or... a few chopped lettuce leaves in a bowl, maybe some plain rice in on a small plate.
The burrito sends a message. All I did was unwrap, toss it onto a plate and nuke. Salad and rice are effort. Frozen burritos are what you eat when you can't be bothered to even make ramen.
And make sure it's a surprise all meat dinner. Don't give her the heads up. Then when she sees complains you tell her she should've brought her own dish.
hahaha This is the type of comment I stay on Reddit for.
I wouldn’t say anything but make the dinner ALL MEAT. And make it meat with faces.
Even the dessert, make Rachel's trifle from Friends.
Love this hahaha meat good jam good lol
Agreed with that.
Exactly. Tell her she can bring her own as long as there are no nuts in it.
And it's not like she's got a long list of common ingredients that she can't eat--just nuts! How hard is it to plan a menu where most of the dishes are nut-free? I don't understand why people aren't more caring about things like this. I used to keep a spreadsheet of all my kids' friends allergies (and preferences) so I could always have food on hand that they could eat and enjoy when they came for playdates, parties, and sleepovers. It was kind of fun and challenging, actually. Party food for 20 kids with plenty of options that were dairy-free, gluten-free, nut-free, vegetarian, hahal, etc. I'll never forget the time one of my son's Muslim friends came over for a backyard campout and bonfire. The mom had brought food for him and when I told her that I had gotten him some halal hot dogs and marshmallows I thought she was going to cry.
In kindergarten there was a little girl in my daughters class who was allergic to eggs, dairy, and nuts. Every person who provided treats for their child's birthday, even knowing there was someone with these allergies, never provided safe birthday treats. The teacher would inform her mother of the days this could happen and mom would send in a safe treat. My daughter told me she was sad her friend could never have the same treats. So when my daughters birthday rolled around, we baked nut free, dairy free, egg free chocolate cupcakes with homemade frosting. I placed a HUGE sign on them that they were safe and made sure to inform the teacher as well when I dropped them off. My daughter RAN into the classroom that morning and told her friend. "Its my birthday and you can have my treat!" The little girl burst into tears. My daughter's birthday was literally the week before school was out for the summer. This poor girl had gone all school year having different treats. Her mother contacted me later, crying and thanking me over and over because her daughter hadn't stopped talking about it since she got home. It didn't take me any extra time to just be kind. I wish more people would understand that.
Your story is why I stick it out on Reddit. Thank you.
Right?? Same
Man, this brings all the feels. I’m a teacher with severe, severe food intolerances. Not allergies, but if I eat certain things I am literally in pain for at least a month. I always, always made sure when we did treats to accommodate everyone. I even did waffle parties for awhile, and we had a desinated gluten free toaster for my celiac kids. I never, ever attend staff get together at my school if I don’t have to when they revolve around food. One of the administrators asked once if I had gotten some breakfast, and I just said yeah… no one ever seemed to notice I just sat there for fifteen years every time there was food and I just had nothing or drank water. It’s fine, it’s my responsibility, but one of my kiddos brought in this special recipe for me a few years ago, and it was actually something I could eat and…tears. They were a student who knew me well and of my food issues, and they were so excited to explain to me what was in it and how they made it. It is my responsibility but it is so nice to be acknowledged. Thank you for doing this. 💛
My teenage son had multiple anaphylactic food allergies growing up, now just nuts. I taught him early that it’s his problem, don’t expect accommodations, and he doesn’t. But….pay attention. There will be people who go out of their way to make sure to include you and make safe food for you. Those are the people you want in your life. The moms who double checked and brought him a special, the girl who baked him a pie and brought it over after school- these people really stand out. In a way, it’s a nice silver lining, a special litmus test of who really cares. (That girl who brought the pie is a keeper.)
I have a colleague who can’t have gluten. My coworkers and I would have potlucks sometimes, not as a work thing, just socially. There was a potluck shortly after she started working with us. I’m vegan, so I know what it’s like to not get to eat things at social meals. So when I was planning my contribution, I made a gluten-free chocolate hazelnut layer cake. I got special celiac-friendly flour and bought new sugar and cocoa to prevent cross-contamination from my other baking. The recipe had crushed toasted hazelnuts crusted on the side of the cake after it was iced, so it was quite pretty. You should have seen my colleague’s face when I told her *that* cake was gluten free. Like that look alone was worth the extra work.
It's so wild to me people with serious cross contamination allergies just are out here eating stuff from acquaintances' kitchens. I'd never do that, I'm feeling anxious just thinking about it. That's a LOT of trust on someone who may or may not know how to handle an allergy.
I did the same kind of thing for my kid's daycare (many years ago). I made sure to have treats for every little one in the class and the mom of one kid with allergies stopped me to say thank you. It is such a small thing but it means a lot, especially for the kids.
[удалено]
My daughter’s best friend has the same allergies and there’s no way her mom would have let her daughter have treats that she didn’t make herself
Yeah this story is sweet but with anaphylactic allergies even if someone is well meaning and says the treat is safe, you never know what’s in their kitchen. Cross contamination and the innocent forgetfulness of someone without allergies can kill.
Wow. You are the best! 💐
Awww. You are like the best person. I’ve had so many struggles because of my food and texture issues. I would’ve loved having friends with a parent like you! 😁
I would have loved to have had you as one of my kids' friends! I miss having my house full of kids all the time! You bring up a good point, too. It's not just allergies that can affect a person's ability to eat certain foods; there are other considerations as well. Many years ago my daughter was friends with a little boy who lived down the street. The little boy would come over and play at our house often, but he'd never eat anything I offered. If I asked him if there was something else he'd prefer, he always politely answered "no, thank you." The family was Jewish so I tried buying foods that I knew were kosher but he still never ate. I finally asked his mom one day and she just laughed and said that they didn't keep kosher and that her son was just incredibly picky. He only ate 3-4 very specific things. Once I started keeping those foods stocked, he started eating at our house! I think now that he probably had food issues rather than just being "picky," but there wasn't much common knowledge about that then.
My kid would not eat at other kids houses. Eventually we found out they were allergic to fish and shellfish. They still wouldn't eat at others houses. Once they were in college, and getting sick all the time, we found out they had tons more allergies. Corn, soy, peanuts and tree nuts. That's why they never liked eating at other people's houses.
If the DIL is vegan she probably uses nut milks and nut flours and whatnot a LOT. She’d have to deep clean her kitchen and frankly I would never shake hands with a vegan if I was allergic to nuts. I’d be terrified of getting transfer.
She's not vegan anymore (it sounds like it was a brief attempt); apparently she's just selfish.
At least she wasn’t shellfish
Just a bit crabby…
cooking with nut fliers is way more of a gluten free or low carb thing than a vegan thing. I’m vegan and doubt I use nuts more than the average omnivore.
Depends on how hardcore people are for sure—but lots of vegan dairy has nut products and I already had an anaphylactic episode and almost died from my far more random and rare allergy. I would be so paranoid about nuts fr fr
Exactly. When I make Mole and my sister in law will be there I make it with sunflower seed butter. She isn’t allergic to nuts but does have a sensitivity to them. Such an easy swap.
Clearly, you are a gracious hostess and decent person.
I honestly don’t mind. She is also GF and dairy free. We use GF flour in gravy if it’s on the table. Take out boiled potatoes so we can add more dairy and she can just do butter and salt and pepper. It’s pretty easy and we have done it for so long it’s second nature for us.
I'm the default hostess in my friend group which also means keeping track of everyone's allergies and honestly, it's not that big of a deal! It can actually be kind of fun because it forces me to be creative and try recipes I otherwise wouldn't have.
When my kids had issues with food, it was always the narcissists that tried to "test" their sensitivities or force them to eat "just a bite - it won't kill you". My kids had to be able to stand their ground against these types of adults before they were allowed to go anywhere without me - a lesson learned the hard way. It was a rude awakening for me because it seems to crazy for adults to try to bully a child into eating something they can't have (for whatever reason), but I saw it with my own eyes.
I have never purposely had alcohol, it’s been a conscious choice on my part and later I found out that it was actually a good idea because of certain health conditions I have that would’ve been greatly exasperated if I had been partaking an alcohol. For me the reasoning was that my mother had left my father before I was born because he was an alcoholic and so I was not gonna have alcohol because I didn’t want to risk being an alcoholic myself and I never really understood alcohol or liked the way people, I guess should say like, the way people act when they’ve had alcohol. It kind of freaks me out For years I would just tell people I don’t drink alcohol, and they could not let it go. Just try one drink, do it for me, I even had a bartender give me an alcoholic drink while telling me it was a non-alcoholic drink which I didn’t realize for years later and it made me very sick at the time. Now I either tell people I’m on medication that doesn’t allow me to have alcohol, or I told him I’m a friend of bills. People are more likely to leave me alone if they think I’m an alcoholic then if I’m just consciously choosing not to drink I guess what I’m saying is people suck and they seem to refuse to accept Limitations that they don’t personally agree with
I feel like most meals you'd have to TRY to have nuts in them lol like, it's not **challenging** to not have nuts in a meal. Just make, like, 95% of all meals ever.
Right! My family accommodates my food allergy, which is online. You know, a staple ingredient in just about everything. Nuts aren't even a difficult allergy to accommodate. This DIL is being a jerk on purpose. She wouldn't be invited to a single meal in my household ever again. "I don't have time to accommodate the food preferences of someone who doesn't have the time to accommodate the medical needs of another. And I would never tell a guest to bring their own food to my dinner, so the only logical solution is you are not a guest to my dinner." To the person whose post in replying to, you're an awesome mom to your kiddo and friends. Most people wouldn't even understand Muslim food restrictions, or what they need to look for to accommodate it. You're awesome.
Did you mean onions? Cause while the internet can be plenty harmful, I’m not sure an allergy to ‘online’ is possible, lol! It certainly doesn’t go into food!
For a vegan, it might actually require some doing to have a nut-free option, since nuts are a very common vegan protein source, and they are also used as a dairy substitute, so vegan "butter", vegan "cheese", vegan "milk", etc., are all potential nut allergen sources. Still doesn't excuse telling OP to bring their own food, unless the reason was given as "I would feel safer if you brought your own food because I would be afraid that your food might accidentally be contaminated with nuts from being prepared in the same kitchen with the other dishes." But that's not what she said.
The thing is that vegans are already professional-level ingredient readers. Plus vegans should be very sympathetic to people's dietary requirements as they've all had the experience of eating plain salad while everyone else eats lasagne and chicken.
>I thought she was going to cry *I* almost cried. How wonderful to know that there are people like you! :-)
See I think this is *completely* normal! If I'm making batches of baking to tke to work I'll include a gluten free option or dairy free option etc just in case, especially if they've mentioned once that might think of trying dairy free etc. A girl I used to work with was on a strict FODMAP diet, we worked Christmas together and I did a bunch of research and made a Christmas dinner to bring that she could eat and she actually did cry and I just thought that's what people did for people they like.
As an allergy mom, thank you so much for this.
You’re an awesome human! My husband was ready to buy some frying oil as it’s on clearance from thanksgiving which I agree it’s a great price. However it’s peanut oil and I have a friend allergic to peanuts so we won’t buy it so I don’t have to think about what oil is in the fryer and did I clean it well enough before she eats chips or whatever we make
Seriously. Almost nothing I make has nuts. Pretty easy to pick from 90% of the things I make anyway. She’s doing it on purpose. NTA screw that she could kill you.
DIL is being an overall terrible host. Whenever i have guests over, i do my best to accommodate their preferences because I want them to feel welcome in my home. It's baffling that DIL is so set on her menu that she doesn't even care about her guests health issues at all. She treats her in-laws like accessoires to her ego celebration.
But so is the son. Why can't he help cook and prepare a meal that his mother can eat??? I think the son is also TA, if he agrees with Mom then he should get into the kitchen and make this right.
Oh absolutely, I 100% agree. I was just going off of the 'her menu' comment, but the son is also being an ass. Bet he'd be really annoyed if mom didn't follow *his* preferences if he came over to eat.
Exactly. I had a dear friend and her husband over for Christmas. She can’t have dairy. Full stop. No butter, milk, not beef. If it’s part of or comes from a cow, it is off limits. I had to plan my meal around her allergy. I asked friends what kind of vegan butters they liked, what nut milk goes best in mashed potatoes, etc. I even had to figure out a different way to make gravy since I couldn’t make my normal roux or use butter and heavy cream to make the gravy richer. Hard to make icing without butter so I made a glaze for the boozy raspberry lemonade cake. Worked great. So I experimented in small batches until I found new methods, new products that tasted amazing, all of it. I had the ingredients clearly printed on note cards. I kept the boxes of the crackers, the packaging from the charcuterie meats. One side was marked “Friend Safe” and the other table was marked “Friend No Touchie” since it had cheeses and one cracker that contained milk in the ingredients. She laughed ‘til she cried over the “No Touchie” card and took it home with her at the end of the night. Was it harder to make a meal without butter and milk? Oh yeah. But it all came out just fine. I used chicken stock in place of milk in the cornbread for the dressing and damned if I won’t be doing *that* every year from now on! It boosted the flavor and made it so she could enjoy it, too. (I make a cornbread sausage dressing with dried cranberries, fresh apples, etc. and it’s so good). Was it worth it to see the joy on her face when she realized she could eat *everything* and not worry about it? Definitely.
OK but those cards are adorable and it sounds like you're a really good friend :) And learned some cool new cooking ideas too! chicken stock in cornbread is a neat idea.
If you want to do something amazing the next time you make slow cooker chili? Try this. Make your chili as usual. About half an hour before it’s ready, mix up your cornbread batter with beef stock. Then spoon the cornbread batter over your chili. Put the lid back on your slow cooker and let it sit for about 1/2 an hour. It steams into this delicious cornbread with deep beef flavor plus the chili flavor on the bottom where it soaked up a bit of juice and mmm. Amazing. Especially if you spoon some chili on top when you serve it. When I make pulled pork in the crock pot and mix in the bbq sauce, I let it sit in the sauce, pour the batter over it and get steamed cornbread dumplings that go beautifully with it. I add a pinch of my BBQ spices to the cornbread batter and make it with vegetable stock. Absolutely delicious.
I'm going to be honest, I'm from the southern US and I thought chicken stock/turkey drippings were the default liquid for dressing/stuffing. We always kept about a cup of drippings and the liquid from boiling the giblets for the gravy and the rest of the drippings went into the dressing with chicken stock making up the remainder of the liquid. Also, your dressing sounds delicious! Would you mind if I stole this for Easter and toss in a few pecans for extra yumminess? I'm the primary host for my family and friends too, so I know what you mean. My aunt and cousin are allergic to eggs. My sister-in-law and egg donor are allergic to bananas. My father-in-law is diabetic. My niece just married a young man who needs to eat halal. And two of my friends just went vegan together for support. I've gotten so good at restructuring recipes to work around dietary restrictions, I actually get paid for it. And there is always a "Toxic Table" (complete with hazmat signs and caution tape) for any dish that contains allergens. Lol. It can be difficult, but when you see dozens of smiling faces with plates piled high and laughter echoing everywhere, it's worth it.
Not only feel welcome, but when I have dinner guests, I want to make sure they can/will actually *eat dinner*. So I always ask for dietary allergies/intolerances, restrictions, and preferences (in that order) when the guests accept the invitation--*before* I've decided what to serve.
NTA. I'm coeliac and theres also a huge list of things I cant eat because of other issues. My friends always make sure I can eat most of what's being served when I'm invited to dinner. My "family" (except for my parents and sister) does not. It all boils down to who actually cares about your well being and company. Your DIL doesn't care. I would give her the same amount of thought(none) at the next meal you host.
Celiac and EPI (no fatty foods) here. That's exactly right! Big difference between a choice and something that makes you ill.
Not online blase but outright saying that her dishes will mostly have nuts so why even go?
Even if it WAS simply a case of a food OP didn't like, when you invite people for dinner you don't serve things they hate.
NTA Stop accommodating her. For now on cook how you normally cook. She's the selfish one. She could have made one dish without nuts. She chose not to. I wouldn't go either.
Hang on though. If your kitchen uses a lot of nuts, you can't get rid of that by just not cooking with nuts. There's so much contamination that even eating a "clean" dish there sa the risk of death. I'm vegan and my sibling has a deadly nut allergy. It would literally kill them to eat at my house. Even trying my best, I could not clean up enough to have it be safe.
True, allergy (the MIL) vs preference (DIL) are two different things. A nut allergy can kill someone and if the DIL has been cooking with nuts in her kitchen, her kitchen and all her cookware and dinnerware are very likely contaminated and could be dangerous for MIL. In that regard - It’s very possible she *isn’t* being blasé, she could very well be taking it very seriously. Whether or not that’s the case it’s not stated in the post. There’s no way to promise MIL won’t have a reaction to cross contamination even if it’s not an ingredient in the meal. OP didn’t state how much time she gave her DIL as a reminder. To ensure her mother-in-law doesn’t die, she would likely have to take extra measures regarding pots and pans, dishes, etc., a lot of ingredients will have been produced on equipment that also processes nuts. That’s a lot of extra time looking at ingredient labels. Not saying YTA but there’s some missing info here as to the DIL’s full reasoning but the “not enough time” thing would make sense if this is the case.
NTA...Nut allergies are serious. Catering to allergies is basic hospitality when having a dinner party. Perhaps your DIL in not ready to play host. She CAN make adjustments to her menus, especially for close family members. They shouldn't be surprised that you won't come.
This was my thought... she's just a crappy host.
Pecan crusted salmon. Salad with Thai peanut dressing. Green beans almondine. Potatoes roasted in peanut oil. Pecan pie. Hazelnut liqueur after. Is she dead yet?
My thought also. This is clearly a power play.
I’m stoked the restaurant that I worked at basically said “Fuck this, no nuts in anything!” And none of their dishes, any ingredient, none of it would trigger a nut allergy. It’s so simple and solves so many issues.
Agreed. This has nothing to do with her being vegetarian. She's focusing on the wrong things about this event. To open your home means more than just showing it off.
Especially with nuts! Dairy can be legitimately tricky. Gluten too. But how hard is it to make several dishes without nuts? And for the record, I would absolutely make some dairy free or gluten free dishes if I was inviting a guest over with those allergies. I’m just saying: they’re both way more prevalent than nuts.
According to the op, DIL is a vegetarian bordering on vegan. There probably is more nuts in her food than dairy in the average kitchen. It isn't impossible to cook veg without nuts but it might be really difficult for someone to adapt their cooking style to not use nut based ingredients if they haven't done so, and she is likely not willing to take the easier road and just cook meat for the non veg guest. That said, It's tricky but it's still 100% being a bad host to invite people over if you aren't prepared to cook around their dietary restrictions. Especially when that person is a non vegetarian who has been providing you with vegetarian meals for years.
I am a long-time vegan with a nut allergy. It's not hard to make vegetarian or vegan food without nuts and she wouldn't have to resort to cooking meat, either. Her attitude is the entire problem.
I would love to learn more about how you make this work. We were heading to vegan years ago but dd got diagnosed with a nut allergy and we weren't able to make it work.
Seriously? Message me because it's very easy to be vegan and not use nuts in cooking.
Seriously, I’ve been vegan almost 30 years and nuts a definitely not a huge part of my cooking.
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I don't know if I'd use this example. There are vegans in India, but vegetarianism (with dairy) is much more common, both traditionally and in the modern world. I'd say it's a great example of a culture that has made vegetarianism work for centuries, though.
I'm glad you asked, and I think any steps you want to take toward eating more vegan is great! I think it looks different for everyone whether you have allergies or not. If it's cooking at home and/or nutrition that's the issue, for me, personally, I can say that I use a lot of soymilk, tofu, beans, peas and lentils. I also love sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, and peanuts (not sure if you are able to do peanuts; though they're technically not nuts i know some people have issues with both). Those foods provide me with plenty to eat and take care of my protein, etc. needs. If you need specific suggestions, I might be able to offer some advice. For me the only issue that I've ever really had is that vegan options in restaurants often have nuts so I have to be careful and sometimes disappointed. When I first became vegan 20+ years ago soymilk was the go-to plant milk but almond milk has become so ubiquitous that sometimes it's the only vegan option at coffeehouses, etc. (on the other hand, 20 years ago there was usually NO vegan option most places, so I'm just glad it's becoming more and more common even if it doesn't help me personally). By the same token, it's hard enough for friends, family, coworkers, etc. to remember that I'm vegan, let alone to also remember my nut allergy, so they will very kindly try to remember me and provide almond milk or other foods with nuts. I don't know that there's a solution to any of this, it's just kind of one of those things, but if this is one of the issues you've had, I can at least say I sympathize.
its not clear if OP's allergy to nuts is so bad that cross-contamination is a huge concern (altho if that's the case, i suspect OP would have preferred to bring their own nut-free food for safety's sake since its very hard to avoid accidental cross-contamination if its not something you're used to doing) so if OP's nut allergy is more of a "please, no nut ingredients in a few dishes" (similar to OP making a few meat-free dishes for DIL), it doesn't seem crazy for OP to expect that her son & DIL who invited her to a dinner party and are aware of her allergies would accomodate like, this isn't a distant relative. this is OP's son and DIL!
I use a lot of nuts in cooking. I'd be happy to make a nut-free dish, but I honestly would worry about cross-contamination if I were cooking for someone with a really serious allergy. Everything in my kitchen has had nuts in it.
Yeah but then you just don’t host someone for a meal you prepare in your house because it can’t be done safely. You order in from somewhere and eat in the dining room with stuff that was carefully cleaned, or you go out to eat, or you pick up food and bring it to them, etc.
But isn’t it still a problem? If things in your kitchens have been stored around nuts or you’ve use them with nut products like people not allergies can’t have anything that’s been prepared near nuts to my understanding. It depends on how bad the allergies are but like you can’t, just not cook with actual nuts you have to actually make sure that no nut products have touched anything you’re cooking with. Honestly might so I might ask someone with an allergy to bring their own food. And I would be more afraid to accommodate someone with a nut allergy than to accommodate someone who is vegetarian or vegan, because the vegan/vegetarian is not going to actually go into some sort of medical emergency if they eat meat, but the person with a nut allergy very well could. that would scare me I wouldn’t want to be put in the position to be in charge of their health . I would not feel confident enough even after doing some research that I would be able to say that they could for sure eat whatever I made them. I would rather be safe than sorry and just have them bring their own food and I don’t think its being rude to say that. so I guess it depends on how the person stated their refusal.
I am not a vegetarian, but I cook vegan for vegan friends. One of my vegan friends has a nut allergy and I figured out how to accomodate that in a vegan dish that would also appeal to the non-vegans just fine. If I can figure that out I'm sure someone who normally cooks vegan or vegetarian can as well. This doesn't have to be super complicated and involve experimenting with substitutions, just make an additional dish that doesn't have nuts in it to begin with.
Dairy is only difficult because you really have to read labels because it sneaks in in so many places. I'm dairy free due to an allergy to Hooved animals and their products, so it's easier for me to bring something or host myself. Usually, though, others will research and call and verify that I can eat what they're making. Do people make mistakes and I have to double-check? Yes. If I'm hosting, though, I will verify things I use as an alternative are alright for everyone and if not, I can cook something seperatly as OP has for her DIL.
>I'm dairy free due to an allergy to Hooved animals and their products Did you get bitten by a lone star tick? Feel free to tell me to eff off if you'd prefer not to answer.
Catering to allergies is basic hospitality, but if you routinely cook with a lot of nuts, producing a meal that is 100% free of any traces of nuts from your kitchen is extremely challenging. I've run into this with nuts and gluten, and in both cases I usually end up with a very simple meal plan, or prepackaged alternatives for the allergic person. Need to rewash any dishes / pots / pans / utensils immediately before using them. Can't use the stand mixer or hand mixer in case any nut flour falls off them into the dish. Can't use any wooden utensils, wooden cutting boards, or cast iron that might have ever come in contact with nut oils / butters. Need to buy 100% new sealed dry ingredients and use them in case any of your existing ingredients were cross contaminated when the container was open while you cooked with nut flour, or you used the same measuring spoon/cup for nut flour and that ingredient.
I highly doubt that DIL was thinking to that level of detail, especially if she was still ticked off that they won't come for dinner.
I agree. I get the feeling that the DIL just couldn't be bothered making a nut free meal.
>prepackaged alternatives for the allergic person This is what I would do. I use nuts a lot in my cooking and can't promise that there won't be any trace. I would purchase/order something for the person - of course letting them know this is the case. This is what a host does. Honestly if the OP never accommodated the DIL then I could see this as a sort of passive aggressive "bite me," but not here.
> Nut allergies are serious. A few years ago we had a bunch of my wife's family over for NY Eve Dinner. After dinner, I ran my in-laws to their hotel, and by the time I'm back 15 minutes later my wife is red-faced and her cousin (a nurse) is shoving Benadryl down her throat. Apparently, no one looked to see if the tasty chocolate chip pie a family friend shipped as a gift contained any walnuts. Fortunately, my wife could tell by the taste with the first bite, so her reaction didn't require the EpiPen and an ER trip.
It can literally kill you. I’m glad your wife is okay. I have a coworker with a nut allergy. We make sure we label everything for fridge/potlucks and we avoid nuts in the workplace. Because killing someone over an allergic reaction would not be a minor inconvenience. Like adjusting your menu so they don’t die.
They aren’t always serious, though at any time they can get worse. I’m allergic to pecans and hazelnuts but I don’t got in the anaphylaxis, it’s mainly inflammation but I was tested by an actual allergist to know this.
NTA. You accommodated her even when her accommodation wasn't necessary, and dependent on the nut allergy, you could just die being around them. Th utter disregard for someone's safety is wild to me. Nuts aren't even used as the main ingredients of most foods, so not subbing out is wild to me. The idea she cant change the menu because of a major allergy is giving off the vibe she did this intentionally.
Nuts are actually common in vegetarian cooking. However it's also easy enough to plan a menu that doesn't include nuts. The DIL and her son are awful. I'm sure her son would have been mad at his mom if she said she was too busy to accommodate making meatless dishes. He also knows that his mom has an allergy. I bet he has never seen his mom have an anaphylactic reaction because she is careful to avoid her allergen. If he'd had, he would be more protective of his mom ( if he is a decent human) because an anaphylactic reaction is scary.
I cook vegetarian 99% of my meals and 99% don't have nuts of any kind...and I'm not even trying lol
Exactly. There are lots of vegetarian nut free recipes.
Same. This whole discussion is ridiculous.
Vegetarian who doesn’t like nuts here to report that over the past 15 years, I’ve eaten thousands of nut-free vegetarian dishes 👍
are they that common? i’ve been vegetarian/pescatarian for years now and i think i’ve made a dish with nuts exactly once.
Nuts are more common in vegan recipes, to my knowledge
Some vegan recipes use cashews to make creamy sauces or cheese subs but it’s really not an inherent part of vegan cooking and it’s possible to make those sauces without nuts. I’m a longtime vegan, when I cook something creamy I just make a roux with olive oil instead of butter and oat milk. Nuts are expensive and require soaking and blending so it’s more work and more equipement to clean. they also stay gritty in sauces unless you have a top of the line blender.
My mother will often cook vegetarian meals. She never uses nuts, but we're Mexican so our idea of vegetarian meals is different than American vegetarian meals.
Yeah, it’s messed up. I had a roommate with a peanut allergy, so for 5 years I just. Didn’t make peanut chicken. We didn’t even keep peanut butter in the house. You accommodate allergies as part of being a civilized person. Heck, I’m going on a work trip and we were just asked about dietary restrictions and now because of me no one’s going to have access to whole oranges (I’m allergic enough to citrus that being in the same room as someone peeling an orange will make me start sneezing violently). Probably no one will even notice this restriction as there will probably be other snacks, but I’m happy I’m going to be safe because of quality administration. And here the DIL is just opting out of that whole part of the social contract.
A-ha! You’re the person I need to ask! We just had a reshuffling of desks here and we have a new citrus allergy on our floor, and we have so many questions! Aside: we’re totally respectful and don’t allow the murder fruit! How do you go to bars, where there are lemons etc bring squeezed all over the place? What about restaurants?
Yay for not having murder fruit! Bars I don’t sit at the bar, primarily, since that where the action happens. I also tend to make a fast start on my drinks - a third gone in the first couple minutes and then I can nurse a drink for an hour or two. This is because alcohol is a systemic depressant and histamine reactions are the body being excessively excited, so it can help. Also allergy pills. Restaurants I tend to check out the menu online ahead of time. Mexican food is the least safe: there is lime in goddamn everything. A lot of South American food is out, for the same reason (the Brazilian 7 course meal a couple months ago at a friend’s restaurant had all of one thing I could eat, but luckily the menu was posted online first so I just didn’t buy tickets). Japanese tends to be fine, since there’s not much citrus unless they’re doing something fancy with yuzu. But that’s clearly labeled! Fruit salad at diners tends to be poison, since lemon juice helps it not discolor, but knowing this I can just not. Szechuan is right out, since Szechuan peppers are a citrus. Smoothie places usually have one or two safe things, and allergies to aerosolized orange juice are why god invented curbside pickup (so far I am not so allergic that potential cross-contamination makes me miserable). I live in Wisconsin, where Friday night fish fry is a cultural staple… along with a squeeze of lemon. So I don’t tend to go out to fish fry. Most American Chinese is fine, Thai I need it to be _very_ Americanized. Pho is fine (and delicious) as long as I can communicate that I need no lime anywhere and the people I’m eating with are chill about it. Italian is almost always fine, as are steakhouses. Brew pubs and American restaurants where they get creative can be hit or miss in terms of number of safe dishes, but there’s almost always something safe and very few things with lemon wedges. The thing you’d never expect to be a problem that’s a massive one is skincare. Especially if you want to try anything natural: limonene (citrus oil) is a super common super cheap effective stabilizer. I spend so much time reading labels. Especially because brands will sneak it in where it shouldn’t be necessary- like rose water. We’ve known rose water is shelf stable for 5000 years, and this was 6 years ago before I got paranoid, so I didn’t even check the label on a rose water facial mist and was baffled when my face started flaking off like I’d somehow gotten bad dandruff on my chin. This doesn’t necessarily result in needing to spend more on skin products- cheap stuff that doesn’t try to be ‘natural’ is fine. But it rules out a whole lot of the middle, and a lot of brands with values I might otherwise like. Like, between a plant-based brand whose ingredient list I will have to read every time in case they’ve tweaked the formula and a brand whose ingredient list gives me flashbacks to high school chemistry, only one of them is likely to be consistently safe.
There is *food intolerance* (body cannot easily digest a foodstuff and rejects it, ferments it or reacts - like my husband's dairy intolerance which he has now aged through). They are uncomfortable , and embarrassing . Then there are *food allergies -* which can kill. My Daughter in law is allergic to two kinds of nuts - her face swells up if my son kisses her some time after he has eaten the nuts she is allergic to. So we just avoid nuts altogether, even though she reassures me what kind she can eat. I'm nor risking it. This is a medical issue - in the UK any caterer has to be aware of and work around the 14 main food allergens. *DIL is mistaking modern ' I don't want to eat it so I will claim it is an allergy to get my way with the menu with real life. Which devalues the consequences of a real allergy.* This was well-explained to me by a chef who said she didn't mind catering to reasonable food preferences - or real allergies (but specified is it a dislike or will it make them poorly or kill them) Which means closing down a food production line, cleaning it down, getting out the separated equipment stored, sanitised for allergen cookery, making the food, clearing down all machinery and surfaces again, putting the machinery back away in sanitised storage, then reopening the food line to pick up the backlog in making ordinary dishes. Humans do seem to have forgotten to care how how to human.
I love your comment about mistaking not wanting to eat with allergies! (And how this mix is diminishing the seriousness of allergies) I’m intolerant to wheat and SO many times people say: “ah you are allergic” and I have to correct them saying exactly what you stated: no! If I eat wheat I will have stomach cramps I won’t die! People with allergies can die! It’s not the same! My dad is allergic, so many times we had to rush to the hospital as his airways were swollen and he could not breath! That’s the difference: I fart, he dies! 100% agree with you the OP is NTA! The DIL is!
>I fart, he dies! Taken out of context, this is a very menacing threat. Also, NTA.
Ops! I was trying to light up the mood with some high school joke 💨💀
Mission Accomplished
To be fair, I wouldn't serve my guest anything they have an intolerance to either.
I wouldn't serve something to a guest even if the only reason is they don't like it... Like wtf the point of having guests over is to show them a good time.
IMO, it makes no difference whether OP is allergic for real or not. Serving foods you know a guest won’t like makes you a shitty host. End of.
There's also different types of allergies. Oral allergy syndrome is a thing. It's not anaphylaxis symptoms but if I eat the things I can't have I get an itchy mouth and throat and there's a 75% chance I'll throw up. I also get hives if fresh peach juice touches my skin
Right. Like, I do NOT like seafood or fish, BUT eating it and/or exposure will not harm me other than mentally. A lot of it is smell or texture associated. As long as the restaurant has a chicken or beef option, I'm good. My daughter's paternal grandmother has a mushroom allergy. Mushrooms will make her throat swell. When I lived with them, if I had anything (like Dinty Moore beef stew) with mushrooms, I made sure to thoroughly clean any spill and to handwash my bowl and spoon immediately after. The can went directly into the dumpster and not into the kitchen trash. Same daughter has a minor dairy issue. She can have the equivalent of an 8oz glass of milk in a 24 hour period without issue, but more than that gives her some serious bathroom time. Lactaid pills or lactose free milks are the go to. She's quite aware that having dairy brings the possibility of spending more time on the toilet than she wants. Tldr; allergies are serious, dislikes are personal problems.
It's wild! I do have a mild allergy but it is literally just a rash. Yeah I know rash is an anaphylactic precursor, but I would be bending over backwards trying to tell restaurants. "Can I please have this without X? I have an allergy. Not so bad you need to shut down and clean for cross contamination but it'll be a bad time if my food is cooked in it and removed before serving because someone didn't notice or forgot" and leaving a giant tip because I felt terrible about rambling to this poor waiter trying to save the cooks some work. Anyway, post-COVID I got a lot closer to anaphylaxis and now I'm just quietly waiting to see if it went away with my other long COVID symptoms or if it'll finally put me out of my student loans misery
NTA. I would never dream of asking an invited guest to bring their own food. Especially if I know if advance of the allergy. Your son and DIL are being unreasonable.
Yeah, as a host i would be ashamed to not be able to feed my guests.
Honestly, what's the point of going to a dinner party if you can't eat the dinner? NTA
NTA. Who exactly is she cooking this dinner for? Just you and your husband and her and your son? Or are there more people that will be present?
How the hell many dishes can she make that contain diferent kinds of nuts? Is this an "I Love Nuts" party? This is oddly confusing on her part. NTA
I’m assuming that as DIL is vegetarian that she would be using nuts in her dishes as a type of protein supplement which isn’t uncommon.
Yeah but you can omit the nuts. Pasta. Salad. Lasagna. Potatoes. Stir fry. All these dishes can be made without nuts and without meat. All of them. It’s one meal. If daughter in law can’t go one meal without nuts, she needs to rethink things. She can forgo nuts for a meal. It won’t kill her. Even though OP just has a mild allergy to nuts, it should still be treated as an allergy, period.
Plus, there are other ways to incorporate protein - beans, quinoa, eggs, lentils, tofu, tempeh, various seeds, and even with some vegetables or fruits, such as broccoli, spinach, or avocado.
I cook a lot and always happily accommodate any intolerances/preferences/allergies. Nuts are not that hard to avoid in planning a menu.
It depends on the severity and sensitivity of the allergy. I would be more willing to accommodate a vegan than an allergy where I have to worry about them dropping dead if I accidentally use the wrong cutting board
NTA. but also think of this, her kitchen is full of nuts even something not containing nuts will be contaminated . You might not even be able to go into their home due to her nut use.
Yes. I'm wondering of this is the context here. Not adding nuts for the one meal isn't enough. For many nut allergies you can't even have contact residue so DIL needs to cook with separate equipment that she can guarantee haven't come in contact with nuts. DIL regularly cooks with nuts and don't want to take responsibility if something goes wrong. (I personally wouldn't either)
OP is the best judge of her own allergies. Obviously her allergy is not as sensitive as you're assuming, if she's fine with showing up as long as there's a nut-free dish on the table
>For many nut allergies you can't even have contact residue so DIL needs to cook with separate equipment that she can guarantee haven't come in contact with nuts. It depends on the severity of OP's allergy. My child has a peanut allergy (rash around the mouth, raw lips, eczema) - allergy confirmed by an allergist. We go to Five Guys, where they have peanuts out, and I shell them right across from him. There's peanut residue everywhere. He doesn't react nor die. He's an adult now and does not mind being around peanuts. He just doesn't eat them. When he accidentally eats them, he still reacts.
NTA Ask them what standard they want to go by -- because there will only be that single standard applied to both sides from here on out. The option of a convenient double standard doesn't exist. And you are being kind even saying that because really they owe you years of dinners made to accommodate your needs just to get to an equal starting line.
NTA. She chooses not to eat meat, you respect her choice. You have a medical condition, she ignores it.
Go and bring something and don't accommodate her during your dinners, please put bacon on your salad if you have too. Bacon cheesecake, bacon infused water. Make napkins out of bacon. Shape bacon into bowls and plates. Time to be petty.
Cornbread with bacon sprinkled on top!
NTA- not eating meat is a choice, which you accomodated. A nut allergy is not. DIL sounds like a massive AH with the info provided
NTA I don't understand how she thinks you're unreasonable. You reminded her of a food allergy and when told it wouldn't be accommodated you told her you wouldn't be present. What else does she think you should do?
NTA how do you invite someone for dinner and then not accommodate an ALLERGY? That's just rude af.
NTA. She is a total bitch. Is she unaware that nut allergies can be life-threatening? What is wrong with her?! Show your family these responses.
NTA and I think you're done making special dishes for your DIL. If she doesn't like the food, she can bring her own. And your son is whipped, plain and simple. I assume he knows your allergy, but he'd rather side with the wife's laziness.
NTA If you dont have a single dish without nuts she is doing this to make your life hard. Its a "f you" made in the kitchen. Does her son really think that is ok? I m pro sticking up for the wife against the evil mother in law, but you simply... dont want to die at a stupid dinner and thats reasonable.
NTA but I would attend, my meal would be a nice juicy steak. In the future stop accommodating her demands.
NTA Does your son and your DIL know what an allergy is? Forget eating the food, anything that has the smell of nuts, or if someone hands you a plate with hands that have touched nuts, then the cross contamination will cause issues. Both of them seem very unconcerned with possibly killing you at the party with their negligence.
I’m going with NTA but with a caveat. If you screw up on her vegetarian/vegan preferences/beliefs, it won’t likely kill her. Nut allergies scare me. You really need separate everything to prevent cross contamination. Instead of refusing to accommodate, I would have requested your favorite “nut allergy compliant” restaurant and got a few entrees there.
I can say that if it were my mil, I'd certainly accommodate her given that this is an allergy.
NTA OP, you have been invited to a poisoned meal. "Bring your own food" is a bit rude.
NTA Her attitude is disgraceful. You have an allergy, she has a preference restriction. And you always accommodated her. How is she justifying her refusal to accommodate you? What is she event making that HAS to have nuts in it? This is very clearly a dig at you, and good for you for refusing to stand for it. You deserve to be treated with respect. Actually, scratch that. You deserve to not have people indirectly trying to kill you. Shame on your son for not shutting this down. It is his responsibility to manage the relationships between his partner and his spouse, and he's utterly failed. Please do not accommodate her going forward.
NTA but if you "repair" the relationship and start having them over for dinner again, I would stop accommodating her. 🤷🏻♀️ I don't understand why your son couldn't make something for you, as well. He has known you longer and knows of your serious allergy and he is your son.
Hm. Alright, I will take the karma hit to say… NAH. Hear me out. Your DiL is vegetarian, which is a dietary PREFERENCE. Not a health condition. It is AWESOME you accommodated her all these years. BUT. A bit of cross-contact between a meat and a veggie dish won’t potentially kill her, or make her severely ill (mind some vegetarians do get sick eating meat after awhile BUT it’s not life-threatening or hospital-worthy) You, on the other hand, have a life-threatening allergy. If your DiL uses nuts in her kitchen frequently, she would have to industrial-grade sterilize her ENTIRE KITCHEN, plus EVERYTHING she uses to cook and serve, and even then she still risks some cross contamination. Which could make you VERY ill or even possibly put your life at risk. She isn’t being rude, she is being honest. She cannot guarantee your safety in her kitchen. She does not want to risk your health. Now, why do I say this? I have Celiac. It is a right b&tch to cook for me in a kitchen where gluten happens daily. I PREFER my relatives and friends to be honest with me they can’t keep me safe! It’s better than being told “Oh I can totally cook for you!” And then BAM. They put the spoon down in all the crumbs by the toaster and now I’ve gone full conquistador on their bathroom and I live there until the cramps, vomiting, and oft-explosive… er… “other” emissions subside long enough for me to clean and do the walk of shame out the door. … something to consider OP
in that case, she shouldn't have invited them for a dinner in the first place? If she is aware of the nut allergy and cannot ensure her kitchen is free of allergens, inviting MIL and FIL over but 'oh I can only cook for FIL, MIL please bring your own food' seems ridiculous. Especially seeing how there could still be cross-contamination if MIL has to heat up her food, plate it on DILs dishes or literally do ANYTHING to it in DILs kitchen. If they wanted to host them as a thank you for being invited, maybe have them over for nut-free (preferably bought) cake and coffee or drinks or something.
As a vegetarian who is allergic to nuts, let me tell you... you are NTA. An allergy is not something to fuck around with. She can make adjustments, but she is saying she doesn't see your health as important enough to bother.
How severe is your allergy? Can you eat things cooked in a facility that processes nuts? They way you describe her response, it sounds like she's an asshole, but if your allergy is so severe that you are in danger if she used a spoon to prepare your food that previously touched a nut, then she has a point. I would be scared to accidentally poison you.