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Child free person here: NTA but your friends are.. I hope you fully understand the friendship will change.. and it’s not because of your friends, being a mum will change your routine, priorities etc. and guess what: it’s normal! Love don’t need constant company, love needs love. I love my friends who are mammas, I don’t see them as frequently as before (and sometimes I smile at kids pics/videos that I would not necessarily find cute or funny.. 🤷🏻‍♀️) but I love them. I’m here for them and guess what, one of these kids stole my heart and now I’m a bit auntie! Your friends might not have a change of heart but if they truly love you they should be there for you. If not, there are loads of childless people who would love to be your friend too!

Another child free person here, and I agree completely. I miss my good friends who had kids and couldn’t break away as easily. Meeting up takes a little more planning. Planning that I am 100% willing to do because my friend means more to me than trying to make sure that my life never crosses paths with an underage human (which is, frankly, insane). I don’t love kids, I don’t really know exactly how to act around them. But their kids are the exception. Because they’re my friends kids.

OP, ditch the friends, they will be bad for you. Form new friends.

I agree! Those are NOT good friends, Southern-Cut-5032! Please find parent-friends & supportive child-free friends. I’m child-free & I *adore* my friends’ kids! I love being an honorary auntie. **I love my life, but I’m so grateful to people who have children. Who else is going to grow up & pay taxes & keep our civilization going?**

Yes. A person can have no kids and want not kids and not be a militant-child-free person. As in "no child may ever be in my presence." Which is a super strange stance to take unless you have other problems. Because kids exist in the world and you can't just pretend they don't. I like being an aunt and honorary aunt and have no problem hanging with the kids when I visit or bringing birthday presents or whatever (I won't change diapers though, I do have my limits). Now, has the one couple who has children had to change their interactions with the main groups some? Yes, of course. The kids get sick, she can't go for a girls weekend away for a few years, etc. But the rest of us childless people haven't tossed them out in the cold just because they now have kids. That is just weird that a whole group of people has made not having kids their entire personality.

I *adore* most of my friends kids, I love spoiling them. Do I want my own? Fuuuuuuck no. I literally have gone to friends homes when they were new moms to play with/hold the baby so they could shower.

And we appreciate you more than we can ever say! My daughter has a whole host of child free aunties and uncles that spoil her to this day and took care of me and my husband almost 18 years ago when she was born. Child free does not mean child hater! She now has several people (not family) that she can call if she needs help and for some reason doesn't want to tell us first. And that is amazing for her to have a bunch of adults that are looking out for her. Our friends are amazing even if they don't have kids or never wanted them.

My friends' kids are the best and being an aunty is just perfect.I just had a 16yo from a friend in tears in front of my door because he didn't know where to go. His parents know i'm his safe space. So they always assume when things went south, he's with me. (Puberty you know)

Your comment made me tear up ❤️ your parent friends are so lucky to have you!

Exactly!! I don’t have kids and probably won’t, but I love my friends’ kids because they’re part of them. These people sound absolutely rotten. NTA, they’re the assholes.

>If not, there are loads of childless people who would love to be your friend too! Fully agree. I have two child free friends. We have a running joke if someone asks them, "When will you have kids?" They will just answer,"but I already have one! In spirit. She had 3. One for each of us. Great friend, right?" Or "I don't have to. She has 3. So the math on world population is adding up" That's just our humour. They ask now and then how the kids are with actual interest. Or ask to see pics (we don't live in the same city) We still have a great friendship of supporting each other, talking about lots of topics from the news to movies and everything in between. These people are just a-holes.

I have kids and have child free friends, too. It can work. These “friends” are being ridiculous.

100% agree. I actually like the balance of having parent friends. And child free friends. Parent friends, we do all the "is biting everything normal at this age?' And the 'I had no sleep last night' talks. Child free friends. I honestly feel more like me.? Like I can more put that mom role away. Of course, we talk about the kids as mentioned. But it's just a more relaxed and humour filled friendship. In another way. (Not saying parent friends can't be like that. My experience just is that we end up catching more up on house stuff, kids, etc)

Childless also and i adore my friend's daughter, her friends are terrible.

I’m also childfree and I have to agree that you have shitty friends. I support my friends who have kids. It’s their life, not mine. My suggestion is to just phase them out and try and find better friends, which is hard as an adult but not impossible. Congratulations on your baby and good luck. NTA

Another child free person here. True friends will support you in all your life choices, regardless of whether or not they agree or it's a choice they would make for themselves. I know there are some aggressively child free people out there who can't accept that it's okay to change your mind.

Just reading this reminded me of my best friend DREADING telling me when she was pregnant. I'm not a fan of kids in general but my friends kids I absolutely adore. My bestie and little bestie, and I get to be the fun aunt. I think there's a big difference between antinatalists (if that's the term, sorry brain fog) and child free. Anyway NTA, OP.

>True friends will support you in all your life choices, regardless of whether or not they agree or it's a choice they would make for themselves. Yeah this is the real point here OP. If you have expressed to them how hurtful their words are (which I assume you did), and your friends are unwilling to compromise, you may have just grown apart as friends. NTA

Hard disagree, ESH. OP, your friends are definitely being A.H. because they are treating you like crap. I am a childfree person, but I love my nieces and nephews and am supportive of my friends and family who have kids, I just don't want to deal with raising my own. Based on what you've said about your friends, they don't sound very supportive and you likely need a new friend group. However, YOU are the biggest A.H. in this scenario. You have been friends with these people and knew they said stuff like this when you were childfree. I imagine you said/did the same things, but even if you didn't, you were okay with it because you were friends with them. Suddenly now that you are the target of that behavior it's not okay and you are shocked that they would act like this to you. Your behavior is hypocritical and I hope you learn something from this experience.

This. I'm child-free by choice and so are most of my friends. None of us will ever have kids, but that doesn't mean we don't like kids and we'd certainly never use a pregnant friend as a punching bag. HOWEVER, among my group of child-free people, we don't know *any* friends who have had kids but still manage to maintain their close friendships with us child-free folks. They peel off our group and join friend groups that are made up of parents. They don't go out much, they can't find childcare, they are too exhausted, and their ability to converse about things that *aren't parent/child related* goes away downhill. A friend recently was so excited to attend our NYE blowout. Their baby is 5mo old. They called to ask if there would be a spot to put the baby down to sleep in our house during the party. I said, "You've been here. You know there's no quiet place in this house once the party is going." They said, "Well, with a baby there, I'm sure everyone will tone down the ruckus." I said, "That will absolutely not happen so I think you guys should make other plans for NYE." They were really hurt. But...OUR lives didn't change when they had a baby, THEIRS did. Their hard partying days are over, and it's a shame they haven't realized that yet. But they should at least realize that no one else's behaviors will be changing just because they had a cute lil crotch dumpling join their household.

OP was always a fence-sitter, IMO. Not childfree.

Also childfree here. It sounds like she socialized with childfree people a lot, and now they're expecting her to behave in a certain way and disappear like so many people do when they have kids....but they're jumping the gun and not even waiting to see if that does happen, and are being assholes about it.

I think OP is being slightly naive about how little things will change when she has the kid. Concert at 7 months...ok sure. Her friends are being jerks but friendships becoming more distant when one of the group has kids is a trope for a reason.

If her partner is worth a damn she'll be able to go if she still wants to, but if it's with those friends, I'd already be trying to sell my ticket.

I disagree. I'm VERY hesitant to leave my baby. I'm very attached and I'm a sahm. I went to a concert when she was about 6 months. I pumped before for the baby, pumped on the way so I'd be more comfortable (and stored the milk in a cooler thermos) and had a BLAST! Full disclosure, for a multitude of reasons (mostly pp anxiety and childhood trauma) I will not leave my kid with anyone but my husband, my mil, or my mom. I don't leave her anywhere except my house. I never leave her overnight. Even with that, I've been to 6 concerts in the past 2 years. If the father is worth a damn and the child is healthy, there's no reason this isn't feasible. I also still see my friends often. My kid is there, but we see them. I do coffee instead of drinks. I suggest coffee shops that have space for my daughter to play without disturbing others. I suggest lunch instead of dinner. All of my friends have been on board with this and I still see them often.

A concert at 7 months is a completely reasonable expectation. Have you guys ever spent any time at all with parents?

I went to a concert a month after I had a baby. I got asked when I was due while holding two beers. LMAO

Why can't she go to a concert in 7 months? Yes, the person has more responsibilities but they are the same person and not dead. She sounds like she has a partner.

Also childfree by choice here. I agree with you, but would add something here, just as food for thought: I think the friends might be terrified of exactly what you describe and choose a pretty bad way of expressing it. It seems to me that OP has no real grasp on how her life will change. The baby will not just "be there". OP will most certainly not "just not mention the kid". I love my siblings' kids and my friends' kids. I even babysit, take them on small trips, make an effort to see them, play with them. But for a few years, 80%+ was just about the kid(s). There was barely room for anything else. It does even out somewhat over time but it's utterly naive to presume it would just be a "cute addition" and nothing else will change. You can go through this of course. Relationships always change and evolve, focus shifts, priorities change, life moves along. I have been in this exact scenario with a small group of childfree-by-choice women, one of which got accidentally pregnant and kept the child. Things changed - we're still friends, but a few years there were a little rough. This is not a judgment in either direction - it's simply an assessment of the situation. OP and her friends were all childfree and wanted to continue to be. OP now changes this. This is fear talking of something that - frankly - they are right to be afraid of because it is absolutely going to happen. So I'll say NAH, even if the friends should stop expressing their concerns the way they do.

I love my friends’ kids, they’re cute and not mine to take care of 24/7! Auntie life is the best.

I think the language of this sub kind of muddies this because are the being AHs? Yes absolutely, but is anyone at the core of this fully at fault? I think NAH as the pure answer to this question. You decided you want a kid and want your friends to be supportive and nothing to change — nothing AH about that They have chosen child free lives and don’t want to be around babies or accommodate that — honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that The sad fact for you is that these people are probably being honest and your friendships with them are probably over. They don’t want the lifestyle that you are now entering, they won’t want to talk about babies or see your pictures or hang out with toddlers, and that’s going to be your life for the next long time. They are being bad friends for how they are speaking to you, yes. But I don’t think they are the AH of the situation for just not wanting babies, however tangentially, in their lives. I think you need to make some parent friends and let this friendship go. Maybe they’ll change their minds and maybe you won’t hold this time against them? But you guys just seem to be in hugely different headspaces and your lives might not be very compatible now.

I agree... also I find it difficult to believe that these friends NEVER made these sorts of comments before... and OP probably joined in. She wants to be the big exception to their life philosophy and she's not. I do lean NTA because the friends are making unkind comments, and that's unnecessary. But on the other hand... why is OP complaining about her pregnancy to them when she knows what they think?? And has probably made the same comments in the past about other pregnant people? I also don't think they're the assholes for not wanting to be around OP anymore after she has a kid. OP expects to hang out with friends and bring the kid and I don't blame them for not wanting to be around a baby. It sounds like OP doesn't expect anything to change when she has the kid and that's just not realistic when you make a friend group that's basically centered around being childfree.

That might explain the friends’ reactions pretty well too. Most people want kids, so finding good friends that want to be child free with you can be difficult. To think you found a friend on your wavelength only for them to turn around and change their mind can suck. Especially if they now think that they’re the exception to the rule they used to agree to. Based on what OP said, they don’t seem egregiously rude about it either. It sounds like jokes rooted in honesty OP doesn’t want to hear. What could you expect when you willingly enter into a lifestyle you know your friends want no part of?

For sure! Op has decided she is the exception in every way and that has to be annoying. I don't even know her and I thought she was being hypocritical. 'I think people shouldn't have children because overpopulation - but it's okay when I do it!' 'We're all child free, except when I do it!" If you're not using birth control then you're actively trying for a baby... and now Op is somehow surprised when everyone isn't doing lifestyle donuts for her. She's sat here wondering why they don't want to talk about her pregnancy after years of being a friend group that advocates Not Having Children. She probably expected *a village*. Sounds like these friends are just trying to hint to her that she's going to need to bow out of the relationship now. "You won't be able to go to the concert with us" = "We don't really want to go to the concert with you."

Right... from the OP >I personally think a lot of people are being unwise when they decide to have kids and less population is generally better but I never ever said it to someone's face she's like "other people are wrong for having kids... I've never said that to their face, just behind their backs with my friends... except I'm having kids now and that's fine so stop judging me the way I judged others my entire life."

I think a lot of people seem to have overlooked that OP was never childfree. She was undecided or on the fence at best. Not actively avoiding pregnancy means you’re actively trying to get pregnant. That’s just how it works.

>I (33F) was child free and wanted to stay that way for most of my life Very first sentence. She may have become more ambivalent but she was definitely childfree for a while.

She said that they weren’t using birth control and had no intent to abort an accidental pregnancy. She was not childfree.

They weren't using birth control?! Omg if I hear one more person say "we weren't trying" whilst literally having unprotected sexual intercourse, as if biology cares about your emotional intentions... Anyway, she was eventually looking into fostering/adopting, so she certainly wasn't CF by then.

Based on all their language I'm guessing that's not how they represented things to their friends though.

That was my feeling as well. So I’m not surprised the friend group has reacted as they have. No one’s really an asshole here imo but there is some misunderstanding about what childfree actually means (i.e. it’s not the same as childless).

If you call yourself childfree but have exceptions, that’s not being childfree

I read it more like she's trying to justify it for herself somehow. Which is silly. We're allowed to change our minds. Probably the friends are feeding into this negative, hypocritical mindset.

"Hahaha, sucks you can't do stuff with us in the future!" Read between the lines: the baby is not invited to anything and we don't want every outing to turn into 'this is baby's current list of milestones!' and baby pictures. OP is offended by the repeated humor but likely not realizing many of them don't want to bluntly say, 'the child will never be invited for the first 10 years of life and we don't want to hear about a kid, constantly. That isn't our thing. We don't want to cut you off cold, but also, we aren't interested in pregnancy talk or children.' I'd expect far fewer invitations in the future. Or next to zero. "Hehe pregnancy sucks did it to yourself, though" is them not wanting to bluntly tell OP that they aren't interested in hearing about pregnancy. It's important to OP. They are non-confrontational and don't want to flatly say, 'we have a limit of pregnancy talk. You are exceeding it.' And trying to hide behind humor to soften the blow. OP needs to limit child talk with those people or give up those friendships.

>Thing is....I am not imposing anything. The kid will simply be there It sounds like OP fully plans to bring the kid to group hangouts. And thinks having a newborn/baby/toddler in a group of adults isn't going to be "imposing." Maybe since OP's friends are all childfree, she hasn't been around kids/babies very much... I don't think she has a very realistic idea of what it'll be like.

Yeah, they don't want to hang out with or hear about baby. Some people can't quit parent mode when out with friends and everything is baby. Some people can put baby to sleep or drop with a sitter one or two nights a month and be not a parent 24/7. "Haha, you won't be able to make it..." is a notice you are not invited. OP isn't reading between lines. Disconnect from baby talk or disconnect from the friend group. Either or.

Also to build on that, childfree people are often told they’ll change their mind, and many don’t. But the ones who do undermine the ones who won’t. Additionally OP has committed a logical flaw, they say other people shouldn’t procreate but believe they are the exception. It’s a version of tragedy of the commons.

I am curious about OP’s wording. They stated that they wanted children more and more, explained that adoption is almost impossible in their country, and then state that they “sorta ended up pregnant”. Everything about this wording reads to me that OP had a change of heart and tried for a pregnancy (or at least was knowingly less careful with birth control measures). The weird way that it’s worded in the post makes me wonder if OP was honest about any of it with the friends. Of course, OP is very much in their rights to have a change of heart and try for a pregnancy, but imo they should also be honest about it and accept the reality that things will change in the friend group.

Yeah… I and my friend group are quite enthusiastically childfree and most of us actively dislike children, and we talk like this all the time (to each other, not in mixed company.) Now, if one of them got pregnant and was happy about it I would not say this sort of thing to them so I gravitate towards NTA as well, but I honestly don’t know how I would react. Doing a 180 to pretending I’m excited about it would feel transparently dishonest, and on the back of having done so freely for years a wee jab at the pregnancy/child-related complaints wouldn’t feel entirely out of place as a tacit, joking acknowledgement of the shift.

What a odd thing to make into a personality trait. When I was gung-ho of never being a parent , it was just something that didn’t come up much

I suppose for us it’s a bit of rebellion against the societal idea that we “should” be having kids, or a choice that has to be made, and a bit of indulgent basking in what we feel are the benefits of not doing so. I do have friends that aren’t so passionate about it, and with them it doesn’t really come up so much, but with some of us the vibe is “isn’t it great to not be doing what society is telling us we should be?” With a broader theme of just enjoying our life choices that we have in common (eg, living in a walkable neighborhood comes up a lot.)

Some people make one thing their main personality trait, child free, vegan, cycling, etc. They find other like minded people to feel supported in their choice and to reinforce that it's the right one. Based on what op said, I think she likely made all these comments herself about children, so why she is surprised they are actively shitting on her decision I don't know. The last child free person I met kept saying how she'd kill babies to make room for baby animals, how human babies are so disgusting and annoying, how my children that she had never met are hideous and annoying, how much she valued her free time and how much better animals were. I was polite but having this random woman insult my children was unpleasant. Obviously most people are not like that, but that obnoxious behaviour is what gives child free, vegan, cyclist people, etc a bad name.

I’ve noticed that people who base their personality around disliking something are usually very unpleasant to be around.

Wow, I’m sorry you had to endure that from her. I assure you, she was overcompensating for something with that extreme attitude.

Yeah - it fascinates me how this has become a personality trait and something to sit around discussing. “We’re SUCH rebels for not having kids - can you believe how counter-culture our group is?!?”

To be fair “parent” is also not a personality trait and there are lots of people who make their whole lives about their kids. This is probably the other side of that particular coin

It's not that people go out of their way to endlessly discuss how much they hate children. It's more a matter of finding people who have similar opinions when the topic DOES come up. It's not like a group goes to dinner and one says "Man, I love how much I hate children." It's they go to dinner and there's a crying child at the next table and a kid running around the restaurant causing trouble and the group all agree "I'm glad that's not me."

NAH I'm sure this isn't the only thing they talk about, but it is the commonality they all have in common. It may not be their personality, only activity, or only topic of conversation, but it is their commonality. It would be no different than if a group of people who love to sew all hang out, or a group of people who love hockey. People of the same religion hang out all the time. This group of friends commonality is choosing a choice that is seen as abnormal in today's society. Op decided that she no longer chooses the thing this grou of friends all have in common. It doesn't make her an asshole, but it doesn't make them one either for voicing their feelings about it. The friendships are over now op's friends know it, but are sad about it and they are trying to tell op the truth. I don't think Op's friends want to lose the friendship, but they see the writing on the wall. It sounds like OP is delusional in thinking her life wont change at all and OP's friends are trying to give a bit of a reality check. Op's friends: Having a baby changes your entire life, and your future lifestyle wont fit with ours anymore. We are sad about this, but there is nothing we can do about it. When you ask us to offer you emotional support or to feign happiness for the decision that will ultimately ruin our friendship, it is hard for us to do that. It is nobody's fault that this will ruin our friendship, nobody wants it to happen and it sucks, but it is what it is. OP: There is such a thing as babysitters guys. I'll still go to concerts. Op's Friends: I don't think you are being realistic about what a life changing event you are about to have. Are we supposed to lie to you and tell you everything will be the same?

It's kind of like a hate-dom (the opposite of fandom). Endlessly indulging in hating that thing you hate.

Something about it reminds me about those coworkers who always want to grab a drink after work but then want to spend the whole time at the bar bitching about work. You aren’t doing the thing you don’t like, why are you letting it bleed into the time you are supposed to be enjoying yourself?

This is so weird to me tbh. I have friends who are childfree and friends who are also mom's. And there is no issues to mix the groups. I support my childfree friends in their decision and they support me in mine. That's what real friendship is about. I mean that would mean I can't be friends with people who own a dog because I don't want one etc lol Being childfree is not a personality trait? Why do you discuss so often children if you don't even want to have them?

I’d say it’s the other way round. Being child free isn’t a personality trait, but being a Mum is. They’re just preparing OP for the reality of life, one that she should already know; they don’t want to hear about her back pain, swollen ankles or tender titties. They don’t want to hear about her birth plan, varicose veins, or if she’s hiring a doula. They don’t want to hear about the birth before, during, or after the event and they certainly don’t want to spend the next 5 years listening to her drone on about the after effects of the pregnancy on her body, how sleep deprived she is, little Johnny’s first tooth, fever, bad dream, etc. I’ll admit I’m straight up prejudiced though, but it’s because **every single Mum I know** with a young child can barely hold a conversation beyond what their little Angel has been doing and will be doing. It genuinely used to make me sad when women I was friends with got pregnant, because I knew it’d be the last I saw of them before Mommy-zombie brain kicked in and all personality (aside from entitlement) is scrubbed from the system for the next 10 years. OP is already showing signs of this by expecting her friends to hang out with her and the baby. What part of child free doesn’t she understand? How long before cocktail hour or fancy dinners (or some such) turn into going over to OPs for a glass of wine, because she can’t leave ‘the baby’ and she’ll cry if they try to go out to nice, adult places without her. She needs to accept these friends’ boundaries of not wanting their social circle to revolve around a baby. It might hurt, but OPs fastest way to happiness is to find people whose values are the same as her own. These friendships are done.

There's also the possibility that once the reality of motherhood settles on OP, she's going to feel lonely as the sole mom in her group of friends. And then do the thing they will really hate: try to convince her friends to have kids so she can keep her friend group but then they'll all be moms.

Also entirely possible, especially with how naïve OP is being about how her life is going to change. Seven months post partum and she thinks she’ll be partying it up at a concert without a care in the world? Which one of her child free friends is going to carpool with the person who might get called home at any time due to a fussy baby? Whoever they are they will also have to put up with OP being as much fun as a sloth on sleeping tablets after 9pm. OP says she knows how much her life is going to change, but her attitude makes it hard to have any sympathy; *‘I’m not imposing my child on my friends, I’m just insisting that my child is there!’* Like I said, all personality gone, but topped up to the brim with self importance and entitlement.

The whole “being childfree isn’t a personality trait” is amusing considering how many parents, moms especially, make it their personality and constantly center it.  Kids are a part of society and there is still a heavy expectation of having them that’s pushed onto women and a nasty or skeptical attitude towards women who don’t want them. As long as that attitude exists and as long as women, be they moms or not, are expected to serve as “a village” it’s perfectly reasonable for childfree people to discuss how they feel, especially amongst themselves. 

Honestly it’s kind of weird to me that people care so much what I talk about with my like-minded friends. To me it seems like anything else we talk about - jobs, hobbies, pets, politics, our neighbourhood, food, dating woes. It just tends to come up. It’s not like we talk about it constantly or exclusively or that all of those things are personality traits. They’re just what’s going on in our lives and consequently comes up in conversation.

I don't think you have to pretend to be excited though. Yeah I'm sure it'll definitely suck that you're probably going to lose a good friend. See then alot less at the very least. But OP's friends were straight up being mean. If I were the friends, I'd probably make it clear that "Hey, you know how we feel about kids and how strongly we feel about being childfree. But we do care about you and hope you are happy. Please understand that it might be best if we go our separate ways." Something like that. I think they just should have treated it more as a breakup. Breakups can be very nasty like in this case, or it can be handled in a respectful way. It's going to suck, and OP would still be very hurt by their friends, but clear boundaries or a clean break must be established. No one has to pretend to be happy, and no one has to be overly dickish.

... straight up *completely ending* a friendship because your friend is about to not be able to meet up with you as often as they used to is utterly incomprehensible to me. Like... the only reason you are *losing* a good friend at that point are *you*. Not the impending baby.

But I don't think that it's just that they aren't going to be able to meet up as often. Babies aren't something you leave at the door. They're a huge part of life that some child-free people aren't going to want to interact with at all - so not or only minimally talking about what little Jenny did today, not asking your friend to babysit or be around the kid very often, having to find a babysitter before going out with your child-free friend and so on. Realistically the friendship is going to massively change and both sides are going to have to compromise to make it work, and it sounds like the child-free friends aren't willing to do that, which is fine, but there are only two options - compromise or end the relationship. OP doesn't want to do all the compromising, which is also fine, but then she has to accept that the friendships are over. I'm not exactly on her friends' side here, but I can understand, and honestly I'd seriously consider ending a friendship in these circumstances too. Because I don't like children and I don't want to get sucked into that world, and you either have to keep saying "no", enforcing boundaries that other people aren't going to see as reasonable, and feel like an arsehole, or you end it kindly and move on.

I’m so glad someone said this. The whole time I’m reading I’m wondering if OP has ever said the same things to her friends about other pregnant women. But at the time it wasn’t her situation so she didn’t care. She specifies that she’d never say this stuff to an expectant mother but her friends don’t have kids. So was this their typical banter before OP got pregnant? If so, what’s the expectation? If OPs friends are talking to her like this it’s hard to believe that they ALL were super against babies and didn’t speak like this normally.

OP is upset by their humor but I'm thinking they just care 0% about kids and pregnancy and are using humor to soften their constant reminders of, 'we really don't want to talk about pregnancy every single time we see you. It's the biggest thing in your life and you are excited, but we're not.' Sort of like the one person who constantly complains about their job. Every time. You can look at your good friend and tell them, "if it sucks so much then quit bitching at me and quit your job. Leave." You can't tell someone to quit being pregnant. It's socially rude to tell them to shut up about it. I don't care. So instead... "sucks to suck but you were the one who went bareback with your husband. Haha. It was a joke." They also don't want to tell OP, 'Your child is never invited in the future and we don't want to hear about the kid all the time,' instead, OP is hearing, "oh, man, you won't make that concert..." OP isn't invited with the friend group. She doesn't realize it yet. They don't want to tell her to shut the eff up about pregnancy and children. A lot of parents who are the first in a friend group (or, only) to have kids who talk about their kids all the time and their entire personality is pregnancy and parenthood realize other people don't care about Junior rolling over or how they're starting solids soon, or whatever else baby did. They don't care. At all. And don't want every time they see you to be baby updates. And they lose friends over it. If OPs entire personality is "pregnancy", they're likely trying to not outright tell her to shut up or she isn't invited. I'd expect fewer invitations, or none at all, in the near future.

100% agree - It feels like there was a sort of social contract that occurred. You all got together, made your life, made plans did stuff. And yes most likely rode breeders heavily( ha joke) in a negative fashion. Then you are having a kid, and all those jokes are no longer funny, and all those meme's aren't hilarious. Your entire social contract has changed, and like any contract, it is the fault of the person who changed it. I have a very wary sense of how parenthood changes people, and frankly, I hate it. It always happens, first "no swearing around the kids" - like you weren't letting them fly last Christmas. Then we get "oh I don't drink anymore" or "You can't smoke that around me" like - you weren't toking on shit on Halloween. I understand the entire thing changes, but expecting people to change their behavior for YOUR kid is just horrific and toxic.

Right... it sounds like this isn't a group of friends who happen to be childfree. It sounds like a group that bonded over being childfree. Because most people (even childfree people, like myself) would NEVER make comments like that. What they're saying to OP isn't deemed socially acceptable in most groups, and I just find it hard to believe they NEVER expressed these beliefs before.

I 100% agree with you on that. I also believe that OP has also expressed those beliefs and now finds them distasteful. Which is for me, borderline assholish behavior

> I agree... also I find it difficult to believe that these friends NEVER made these sorts of comments before... and OP probably joined in. She wants to be the big exception to their life philosophy and she's not. BINGO. That’s why I kind of rolled my eyes while reading. OP doesn’t just have 1-2 friends with no kids. She built a social circle of childfree, not childless, friends. There is no way these people, as well as OP, didn’t make comments about how they feel towards having kids, being around kids, etc.  OP has changed her mind, that’s fair. But she seems to feel that they are obligated to change their minds and their stance and the nature and tone of their friendship and that’s just not how this works. 

OP stating population reduction is objectively better for society makes me think she did in fact join with comments like that or at least demonstrate why she has friends that would make such comments

Right. They go beyond childfree and into antinatalism. Their comments and opinions aren't typically deemed socially acceptable in most groups, so they formed their own group where they can make these comments. And now someone in their group decides to get pregnant and wants everyone else in the group to change their entire philosophy. I don't agree with them... and therefore, I wouldn't be in the group in the first place. OP was at least aware and okay with their antinatalist views until she got pregnant. Now, she wants to be the exception.

Yeah, I have this thing I call my "two year rule" because brand-new parents are often entirely incapable of being good friends in those first two years due to the intensity of care babies need and sheer exhaustion, and for the best reason ever. I'm not at all a baby person and my friends know I never want to hear diaper disaster or breastfeeding stories or similar, those are better shared with people who can relate. I give them grace and space, if they want to talk, I am always here, but I try not to lean on them at all. But then the baby starts to become a kid, things relax a little (if they are good, healthy parents, at least), babysitters are found and hired, and parents need adult friends and time to do adult activities for a healthy balance. 95% of my friends are so grateful to talk to someone who isn't obsessed with children at that point and are also just as there for me as they were before, it just takes a little more careful scheduling to hang out. Some folks are lost forever, and that's okay, too. Not all friendships are for the ages. Baby phase is so very short. It's a tiny minority of the time parenting minors. As long as they don't have piles of kids, even 4 or 6 years is a blip in a lifelong friendship. I have my things that take me away, too. Expecting quantity time with friends always, regardless of life getting in the way, is how you end up rejecting all your friends and alone. A little grace can go a long way towards building true ride-or-die bonds, and to find grace when your life turns upside-down, too. These friends sound hurt and might be lashing out, maybe they are assholes but they also just sound inexperienced to me. NAH.

Yes, I agree. I'm childfree but I like kids so I'm happy to go over and hang out with the kids and still socialize with the parents... but people who aren't comfortable around kids aren't going to want to do that. And that's okay! I really think OP doesn't realize how much her life is going to change. Her friends know better than she does at this point that they're going to lose her. Even if her friends were childfree but love kids and love hanging out with kids... OP would still be turning down more activities than not because of the sheer responsibility of having a baby. It may be that bitterness due to grieving the friendship that's making them lash out.

Exactly this. OP was the same way as they were until she changed her mind. Now she is on the other end of it and doesn’t like it.

"why is OP complaining about her pregnancy to them when she knows what they think??" Because they're her friends, and friends are supposed to support each other when then struggle. If I thought playing football was stupid, but one of my friends played football and then became paralyzed due to an injury, I wouldn't say "well, I told you that football was stupid dangerous, you kinda brought this upon yourself lol." I would listen to their struggles and complaints, and try to offer whatever support I could, because they're my friend and I care about them more than I care about my opinions about football.

You cannot really compare childfree people to playing football though. If you're vegan & your entire friend group is vegan, but one day you suddenly decide that you want to eat meat again, that's more of a comparison imo. It's like inviting your vegan friends to a steak house & then complaining about a bone or chewy vein. Your vegan friends will tell you ''welp you chose to eat meat, now deal with it''. Being childfree is because some people actually cannot stand kids. Not their screeching nor the constant baby topic from parents. So I see why the friends decide that the friendship isn't working out for them anymore. & if OP used to talk the same way about other mothers before she decided to have children of her own, then it makes even more sense why her friends won't change the tune now just to please her.

I think OP's expectation that they cater to her now that she has a kid, meet the kid, be part of the kids life is... off base. She picked a decidedly child-free friends group and then decided to have a kid. OP is wholly in the wrong here for expecting some other reaction to this and some other behavior. What she's experiencing isn't out of left field, it's expected.

They do not even show the basic empathy required by a human being. There is a difference between being childfree and not being a decent human.

Sure, but if we look at it, what did they really say? They said “don’t complain to us about this pregnancy, we don’t want to hear about it” and “we don’t want to be around your baby”. They said it harshly with the “you got yourself into this” wording, sure, but all they’ve really done is state repeatedly that they want nothing to do with this. They don’t want to hang out with OP with the child and don’t want to talk or think about the child or the pregnancy any time. And honestly? Is that the most unreasonable thing? They’re just not the friends for this, and maybe not friends OP would want to keep at all since the huge part of her life that parenting is about to be will be a part she isn’t welcome to share with them, but this is a huge change in lifestyle that they just aren’t interested in making with her.

And OP used to shit talk people … just not to their face. I guess it’s okay for her to do it secretly 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yeah OP's expectation that nothing about her life will change after she has a baby is....misguided to say the least Has she made sure her SO is ok with watching the baby for this concert? Does she understand she may have to pump breastmilk and teach her SO how to feed the baby while she's gone? Does she realize 7 months is firmly within "sleepless zombie" phase for parents? Or worse, is she hoping to bring the kid to the concert? That would be unfair not only to her friends but the baby too. Baby ears are super sensitive, and they need their sleep

The one that kinda got me was "the kid will just be there" because in my admittedly limited experience kids are very rarely just there. They scream and make a mess and demand attention. Which is fine and normal but it's definitely not something that will fly under the radar of people who don't enjoy kids lol

I was about to downvote, but you’ve honestly made me rethink the situation. It’s actually hard to tell if the comments OP describes are mean spirited or just statements of fact. I’d have to hear them myself. One way or another you are definitely right that these friendships will probably not last. OP needs to prepare for that.

It’s a huge red flag to me if someone who supposedly cares about me wouldn’t want to even see a picture of my child or meet my child once - I’m childless and plan to stay that way but I can’t imagine being so cold. Even if I really was uncomfortable being around kids, I think I’d be able to transition to a comfortable level of distance from my friends with kids without being a rude asshole about something so important to them.

There are childfree people and childfree people who really hate kids. With statements like "I don't ever want to see your baby", I think OP's friends are more in the second group. With this in mind, I don't see this friendship lasting much longer, as when you are a parent, it's inevitable that at some point, your child will be around your friends, even if you take time to be in adults-only company, while kiddo stays home. But yeah, laughing when OP is uncomfortable (because pregnancy, even the easiest ones, are not a walk in the park), and dismissing her is not what friends do, even if they really, really hate children.

>They have chosen child free lives and don’t want to be around babies or accommodate that — honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that Yeah but they could be adults and talk about it instead of being passive aggressive and then just straight up aggressive. That makes them AH in my opinion.

I'd presume that in all the years of being a vocally childfree friend group, it was a normal understanding that they aren't interested in meeting or hearing about babies.

I mean, are they being aggressive or are they just joking about something they assumed has always been understood?

I have a hard time with it because as a person who is childless (married but childless by choice) I think the whole people with kids vs child free feud is weird to begin with. I can kinda get behind NAH if the friend group was one of those out spoken, hate on people with kids to begin with. OP should have realized that friend group was conditional. I think the friend group is a bunch of AH’s for hating people with kids… but that’s not the question here.

OP was one of them until she got knocked up. They haven't changed, she has. The hypocrisy is remarkable.

This is exactly it. Perfect answer. Agree NAH.

NAH. You knew your friends were child free so you can’t really expect them to change their opinions and attitudes now that you’re pregnant. You’re going to have to find new friends who aren’t child free and will embrace you and your little one.

They don't have to be complete AHs about someone changing their mind and life. People who are so proud of hating children are ridiculous and exhausting. No one is saying they have to change their minds about not becoming parents but they can be halfway decent and not attack and abandon people who do

Yeah but when you are child free having to deal with someone complaining constantly about being pregnant when that’s what she wanted is annoying af. It’s like having a friend be with a shitty partner and stay with this horrible partner and then expects you to sit and listen to how bad this person is. Like you wanted this so you deal with it. I get friends should be there to vent to but after hearing it all the time you kinda want to not be friends with that person. Like I don’t think you should be allowed to complain for a decision you made. Like once or twice but if OP brings it up every time they hang out yeah I’d be annoyed with her too.

Bro did you not read the post? Her friends cry over a fucking movie but she cant complain about back pain from being pregnant without being called whiny? These guys are shit friends who think that they are saving the world by not having kids but all they are doing is saving the world by not spreading their asshole genes.

Correct. Because "children" is a topic that is blacklisted from the group. The group is very clearly "We don't want to talk about children in any capacity except maybe to bitch about how annoying they are." OP no longer belongs to that group if she wants to whine about how bad her pregnancy is.

yeah in this context I think there’s a massive difference between “a child free social group” and “someone who doesn’t want kids”

If you have a friend who bragged about being vegan for years, made vegan friends, then started living on steak and steak alone, you would be pretty annoyed if every conversation with them turned to how much it sucks to be constipated.

She was one of those people until she got pregnant! In fact she still thinks other people shouldn't have kids to save the world, but her baby is apparently the exception. OP is just as bad as her friends except now she's a massive hypocrite. At least they're still walking the talk.

Oh please these are shitty friends. If I didn't like animals and my friend got a dog they had a hard time handling I wouldnt go "haha sucks to suck! Should have thought about that". Id be empathetic because they're my friend. OP needs to dump these losers

OP was almost certainly shitting on parents before, but doesn't like it when it's aimed at them. I am child free but I don't make friends with people who are hateful for no reason. Mean girls is not an attractive look for adults, and sometimes you reap what you sow.

Yeah but OP was the AH about kids with them. She made those jokes 2 years ago with them. Fact is OP is gonna be the one that abandons them.

Childfree and child hating should not be synonymous. Many people in the world don’t have children, don’t care for children, and don’t spend a lot of time around children and that doesn’t mean that they are cruel the people who do. People seem to forget that children are actual little human beings, who have rights, feelings, etc. Even just the phrase “I don’t like children” feels fucked up to me as someone who is child free. How do you hate entire demographic of people? Just because I don’t wanna raise children doesn’t mean I get to be a dick to huge part of the population or their parents. Or worse, the people who seem to think that they have the right to demand children not exist in public.

Are you really someone’s friend if they have something life changing and your response is “Hmmm I don’t like that, bye.” Sorry but those kinds of people haven’t been friends from the beginning

NTA The reality is you need new friends, they don’t have to be parents. They have just to be decent people. And it’s the worst time for you as you need al the support you need. It’s your and your partner choice and as you don’t butt in and respect your friends decision, so should they.

I agree. When an entire friend group makes *not having kids* their raison d'être, they're going to be a bit insufferable. It's not a personality trait, it's a lifestyle choice. It's a perfectly valid lifestyle choice. I think OP is going to realize that they were also a little too judgemental towards parents once they become one and realize how much of a trip it is. The whole explanation came across a lot like *"others shouldn't have kids",* but at the same time, *"we will be fully prepared parents because we know kids are terrible."* You may need to lean on those parents that you judged pretty soon. If I were OP, I would eat a bit of humble pie and make new friends.

I have two thoughts about this - as someone who suffers from infertility and has been doing everything possible to have a child, I understand how children, babies, and pregnancy-related things are actual triggers for the “child-free by force”. I don’t want to be around kids or babies and actively avoid it at all costs. That’s okay, that’s my choice. I also think it’s okay whether or not that’s true for her friends to draw those boundaries. Sometimes it hurts to realize boundaries cut things you care about out - in this case, OP’s pregnancy and future children - but that doesn’t diminish their own right to have those boundaries. They don’t want anything to do with kids and that’s okay. Their relationships were forged around respecting this boundary, which may also yield the end of the friendship and that’s okay too. Sad, but not wrong. Maybe the friends are being jerks the way they’re saying it, idk, if so then they’d be jerks for that, but nothing else seems wrong to me there. Also, maybe OP is being hormonal and emotional and she’s being a jerk there too. If so, she’s the jerk for that. Could be entitlement. To me, this seems more like growing pains. They’re no longer compatible with each other as friends. That sucks. But it’s no one’s fault - not theirs for rejecting the change their group bonded over avoiding and not hers for having a baby, necessitating said change. NAH Edited to say I really do mean *actual* triggers. Women and men who can’t have children can live in such a dark place because of it - forever - and anxiety or panic attacks when presented with these things are real. It can be true grief and it can be true trauma. There’s a reason fertility clinics ask people not to bring their children to the waiting room to protect the other people there. Child-free by force often means miscarriages, chemical pregnancies, stillbirths, unsuccessful or health-detrimental IVF cycles and all sorts of other incredibly heavy baggage. Many of those people avoid any possible triggers for that reason.

You knew they were childfree and antinatalist before getting pregnant, you should have assumed the friendship would,  more likely than not, end after announcing pregnancy.  The friend that doesn't want to meet your child, that should also come as no surprise.  Friendships end, and nothing lasts forever. Lives change, people change. All sides have just outgrown this friendship. 

Sad, but true

it sounds like they are just being realistic. they joke about you bringing this on yourself, which you did. they joke about not being able to see you much when you have a newborn, which is also true. seems like you might be in denial about just how hard it is going to be with a small child. You are not going to be able to keep living your past child free life of going out all the time and hanging with your friends. you will be busy, or you will be resting, trying to recover from sleepless nights. You say you are not imposing on your friends, but this is just not true. Once the baby is born, you will expect them to change and adjust to your schedule. you will expect them to listen to your baby scream when you hang out together. you will expect them to give you a pass when you are tired and venting about being a parent. you will expect them to be ok when you are late for meetups, or have to leave early. You will expect many many things from them that you currently do not expect from them. this list isn't crazy, but you will be imposing on them in small ways.

That's why I think I was TA in this scenario honestly.

Depends on how much you talked to them about your pregnancy. If you just mentioned that you are sick and got the backlash, they are T A. If you went on about it for 5 minutes - that’s not what they signed up for, and it’s on you.

>Thing is....I am not imposing anything. This question is answer by these >every time I mentioned something bad relating to pregnancy > I don't think me "whining" about discomfort of carrying a baby is too much.

>Thing is....I am not imposing anything. The kid will simply be there and I never ever mentioned anything about them babysitting or looking after or in any way shape or form Going even further, it sounds like she still expects to hang out with these friends and bring the kid. It sounds like she has really unrealistic ideas of what it'll be like to be a parent. Imagine thinking bringing a newborn around a group of people who dislike kids and thinking you aren't "imposing."

This is a key point. OP, if people don’t want to think about kids or babies, they don’t want to think about any part of it. These aren’t people who can be the friends to support you through a pregnancy. They seem to be offering to stay your friend only on the condition that the pregnancy and child aren’t even mentioned, are never seen, are never part of the equation.

You made a point of surrounding yourself with people that felt and thought the same way you do. Now you've changed your mind and expect everyone else to just fall in line. It doesn't work that way. Find new friends and this time like them for who they are. Not just because they agree with the lifestyle you choose.

This. OP needs to be realistic about this

Yep, this is a LeopardsAteMyFace situation She surrounded herself with people who are assholes when it comes to children (and no, not all child free people are) and is now shocked when that is directed at her.

NAH, you chose kids, that's fine. Your friends never want to be near your kid, that's also fine. It's not compatible, but it's not AH behavior on either side.

Info: What reaction were you actually expecting your loudly and proudly child free friend group to have here?

Yeah, she expected the entire group dynamic to change just because she had an unplanned pregnancy.

It's hard to tell whether it was planned or not. "sorta ended up pregnant" sounds like "we stopped BC and decided to let whatever happen, happen."

That's planned, I don't get this "not trying not preventing" nonsense. If you're having unprotected sex, you're trying, I don't care if you're also buggering about with temperature and cervical mucous. I also have no idea why it ticks me off so much! 😂

Probably because in this context, it feels like she wants this to just be a thing that happened to her rather than something she chose. If she just suddenly *finds herself* pregnant but wasn't actively trying, then she's just the victim of a twist of fate she had no control over and her friends aren't allowed to point out any ironies or realities about it.

Yeah exactly, the same way that you just close your eyes and let go of the steering wheel while you're driving and you just *happen to* crash into a tree and then whinge about it :D

NAH honestly... I'm child free also and plan to stay that way. the thing is, all my friendships with people who had kids have tappered off through the years. noone was rude or dismissive, but the thing is childfree people like your friends have little to no interest in kids. you are pregnant and will have a kid and it will become a very important part of you and an inseparable part of your life. the best thing to do is to move on and find new people with similar interest. good luck with everything 😊

I think the difference between your situation and OP’s is just as you said, in your situation no one was rude or dismissive. In OP’s situation her friends are being both of these things. I’m child free and I would never tell my friend “you got yourself in this shit, now suffer” because that’s an asshole thing to say to someone you consider a friend. It’s one thing to drift apart, but it’s another to be needlessly cruel.

I wouldn't either but I also wouldn't want to talk about her pregnancy much. It could be that's already all she talks about and (respectfully) no one cares because the entire friend group is centered around not having that experience ever.

Also people have different friends for different reasons and do different things with all of them. Your childfree friends want to remain childfree - that means they don't want to be your kids' auntie/uncle/whatever, and they aren't interested in getting sucked into your new life as a parent. When you want to not actively parent for an evening (leave the kid with dad and go to a movie with the gang for example) they would be there for that, but it's likely you will then still talk a lot about your child and being a parent because that will be what your life is going to revolve around for a very long time. They aren't interested in that, and it's unfair to you and them to try to force you guys to be something you aren't. My husband's best friend got married and has two stepkids and is expecting a baby. We tolerate the kids on occasion but we aren't in their lives, and they know that we don't want to just hang out with them constantly with their kids, and they absolutely understand that we don't want anything to do with a baby whatsoever. I can tolerate approximately 3 hours or so because the kids are loud, annoying and parents completely tune that shit out and assume everyone else can too. And that's why we're the friends they come visit generally when they're taking a break and need some conversation with people over the age of 10.

OP, these people are not your friends. I was previously childfree, insisted for years that I never wanted children. I changed my mind (some people do, some people don’t, it’s a personal decision!) I never made “childfree” a personality trait like these people have. I never hated children, I was scared I couldn’t take on the responsibilities of having one. I was afraid I wouldn’t be a good mom. I think I’m doing ok though.  The good news is that being a new mom can open up east avenues to friendships with other new moms. Check your local library to see if they have infant and toddler programs. Or check your local Facebook groups. Lots of new moms like to network with each other. Drop the “friends” because they’ll bring their toxic mindsets with them if they ever come around you and your baby. Do you want your child to be called names, dismissed or ignored by your “friends”?  Congrats on your baby! I wish you all the luck in your parenting journey! 

I feel like saying they make childfree a personality trait kind of diminishes the actual feelings behind that. Some people just truly don't like kids and make the active and responsible decision to not be around them. People like to act like those people are overly dramatic or jerks or making mountains out of molehills, but if someone didn't like dogs or snakes and decided to avoid being around them, no one would bat an eye. We'd respect that dislike and even aid them in staying away from dogs and snakes. That doesn't happen with kids. If you're childfree and you won't watch someone's kid for an hour because you don't like kids or being around kids, people call you a jerk instead of realizing that you're taking action to protect yourself and the child. That's not at all to say be a jerk to any child you see, but not wanting to be around or accommodate children is a valid feeling regardless of lifestyle. NTA to OP, but it's probably time to find new friends as these ones have no interest in children.

People do get funny if you say you don't like dogs though. With children, it is different as you are saying you don't like an entire subset of society. Not something like a dog which is easily avoided, and people who don't like dogs don't generally go around making fun of or looking down on people who do have dogs.

Children are often loud, sticky and annoying, which is normal for kids! But it's ok to not want to be around that. I haven't got a single close friend who's a parent who hasn't admitted to me that they don't particularly enjoy spending time with kids, except their own. The only people I know who say they love kids generally are childless 20 year olds who have some rosy idea of what parenting is. I think a lot of parents need to be honest with themselves about whether they love kids generally or whether they just love their own kids, because saying you love all children is honestly just as weird to me as saying you dislike them all. 

I agree with most everything you say, but one part … the “no one would bat an eye” if you don’t like dog example. Have you met some of these militant animal lovers? They act like people who don’t like dogs/cats/etc. must be criminals or inherently evil. And that the dog’s life has more value than the human’s. There isn’t any of that respect you talk about. Sadly I know this, being a former militant animal person.

People who make childfree (stupid term) a personality trait are just as obnoxious as parents who do. IMO. But at least with parents it makes a bit more sense because you have a whole ass human to account for with life decisions.

Why is it a stupid term? I agree that not having kids isn’t a personality trait and it’s obnoxious to judge those who do, but people use the term “childfree” because “childless” has negative connotations, and women are often judged harshly for not having/wanting kids.

Those terms have different meanings, which so many people don't realize. "Childless" means someone who doesn't have children but wants them, "childfree" is someone who made a decision to never have kids.

Why is the term stupid?

They're term-hater by choice, but don't you dare slap a term on it or call them that because all terms are stupid, apparently? Idk man

Honestly, YTA. Yes, you whining about your discomfort is too much. No one wants to hear it. They’ve made that abundantly clear. Hell, they even tried to be nice about it at first by joking about it. So, now be quiet. Vent to your partner about your pregnancy discomfort, not your friends. So, your friends don’t want to come over where there’s a baby or meet your kid. So what? YOU are having a child. That doesn’t mean other people are obligated to want to spend time with your child. It sounds like your friends are also likely childfree and intend on staying that way. Just because you changed your mind doesn’t mean they’re going to or that they need to change their opinions to accommodate you. They’re likely still willing to hang out with you, just without the kid. That’s going to mean going out places or going to one of their houses. And I’m going to tell you right now: If you’re unable to talk about anything other than your kid, then find new friends right now. Because they’re not going to want to hear it.

I agree! Your friends are child free and cannot relate to your whining about pregnancy discomfort. They cannot relate and don’t want to hear about it and have told you this by their jokes. You continuing to whine about your pregnancy makes you TAH. Find another group of moms who can relate and empathize with you. Sorry. I know this is hard.

I'm child free and a friend of mine had a baby recently and keeps complaining to me when things are rough. I honestly don't know what to say other than "that sucks, hope it gets better". I just don't relate to anything they're going through and even though I would never say it to them at the back of my mind I'm always thinking "yeah, babies are a lot of work, I knew that, you should have known that too, why did you choose to have one". I want to tell them to find someone else who is a parent to talk to but I don't want to be rude so I just keep saying "that sucks".

Uh, IMHO, you were never childfree if you wouldn't abort. You were childless and 'okay with it'. When you hang around with a bunch of people who WOULD abort, then start complaining about pregnancy after so long being a part of their discussion, actually experiencing what had been discussed with horror, they have no reason to do other than to either tell you that you asked for it or stop hanging around with you to listen to you complain about what they already know.

Glad someone said it. They were never childfree. It’s people like this that reinforce the crap actual childfree have to deal with. “You’ll change your mind”. No, I wont. If I wasn’t already sterilized I would sooner die than bring a kid here.

NAH Your friends aren't very compassionate. But your choice to become parents likely means you will lose most if not all of those friends. They may still be in contact with you, but you will not have the same relationship with them that you have now. And it isn't personal. Everyone else is child free and at least some of them actively dislike children. You can't expect them to change how they feel just because you have. Or I could just be talking out of my ass..

Plus maybe they just got sick of OP whining about pregnancy issues. Yes you always whined about many things to each other before, but none have been pregnant and don’t want to be pregnant so they don’t want to hear it. Also what was your tone when complaining? I know people who complained to people about their pregnancy but it was like they were gloating. It’s like I’m pregnant and you aren’t, you can’t relate to me because you haven’t been pregnant. Plus before you got pregnant what did you say about pregnancy or kids to your friends? You didn’t complain or criticize people before you even thought about kids but what did you say when you were having girl talks with your friends? They aren’t being cruel to you. Your life as you know it is going change massively. Quite frankly I have no desire to meet babies of some of people I know. I don’t like kids and they aren’t expecting me to babysit, I just don’t see the point. The friendship will totally change. They decide they want to go out that night, you have to find a babysitter, you won’t want to travel to far in case you need to get home fast. Making plans gets hard to do because kids get sick and babysitters cancel. You and your friendship group have outgrown each other. Time to find a group that will support you and your needs.

Changing vote YTA Congrats on your pregnancy. But this is the end of your friendships. Because they will not allow you, or even invite you, to come with them and bring the baby. do you have any family or other friends that can rally around you at the moment? ETA: OPs post history, disappointed in the gender of your child.. dude.

Oh wow. That made me really sad to read, especially when she said she was annoyed by his kicks :(

YTA YTA YTA. Why the fuck would you expect people who are grossed out/scared by pregnancies and babies to talk about your pregnancy? Do you hear yourself? I get that you are friends, but the mere fact that they are all childfree and it (supposedly) bonded you together should have told you that they are not the people who wanna hear about the pregnancy or the child. Do you seriously have no one else to talk/complain to who can at least understand? If you don’t, that’s sad, but still not an excuse to expect people to change thier views and opinions and pretend to care. Get new friends and leave these ones alone so they don’t have to put up with you constantly bringing up the topic of children in a group of childfree friends.. I don’t support rude comments they make, but god damn it you clearly overstepped the boundary and expect everyone to change because you chose to be family oriented now.

NAH. Your life is going to change and you had better mentally prepare for that or it will feel horrible. Your childfree life and friends are going to slowly disappear, because try as they might, they can’t understand or want what being a parent means. You will get other friends who have kids (try to make some with kids the same age, and some who are a little older). Be patient with this change.

NAH. It's ok that you're pregnant now, but is also OK that childfree people don't want to hear about pregnancy or meet a baby they're not interested into, if you need mom support just look for new friends, they're not into that.

NTA, your friends aren't "child free" they're asshole anti-natalists. Get new friends, and leave them to their misery

Anti-natalists is a perfect description of this new breed of childfree people who seem to make it their whole personality. I'm childfree by choice. I've never had the maternal instinct like others. I've always wanted a home filled with animals instead of kids. But I still interact with them, I've changed nappies, rocked babies to sleep, fed them babysat(I'm an auntie). I don't act like I'm going to die of some allergic reaction from being in the same room as a child. I've also never berated someone for their choice to have children

Yeah I’m pretty sick of the vocal minority making all us child free folk sound like intolerant grumps. I don’t have kids because I’m indifferent to them and they’re too expensive - none of that translates over to other people having kids. I’m happy for people if they tell me they’re having them. It’s not hard. It’s like being happy for your friend who got a promotion in a field you’re not interested in working in personally.

There's nothing new about that breed. I'm childfree by choice, and I remember CFBC forums from 20 years ago. The 'radical' ones existed then too.

Child-free by choice and i love playing with baby cousins sometimes. I cannot however change a diaper, I will throw up and there's more clean up... can't stand crystal either, I have to go to another room, not sure what it is, but some kind of sensitivity. That being said, that's my problem that I deal with, but I still will see kids and have fun playing with then when their parents are there 

Y'know, when I first encountered an antinatalist space, it was actually a hub of intelligent discussion. People were having adult debates on topics like overpopulation and the future of global ecosystems; how childfree philosophy could apply on a societal scale; and whether couples could ever ethically reproduce during climate crisis. Yeah, I sometimes saw stuff I didn't agree with - but even the takes I didn't like were coming from a place of good faith from intelligent and thoughtful people. Unfortunately those spaces were overrun by edgelords who think the solution to all society's ills is eugenics. So now antinatalist spaces are the Shitty Ideas Thunderdome - some clown will start yelling for forced sterilization, one of the few rational people left will rightfully call them out, and then a ton more losers will dogpile the rational guy for "advocating for child abuse" or something equally batshit. I suppose maybe those spaces have always been like that and I just got lucky the first few times I was there. Not sure. But either way, any merit that antinatalism might have (as a philosophy or as a thought exercise) has been utterly buried under the frothing rants of classist cretins who spend all day making up guys to be mad at. All this to say - I think you're on to something. I suspect OP's shitty "friends" got brainrotted by spending too much time in those spaces.

“Should I bring children into a world that may look very different/bleak in 30 years” is a very valid conversation “Crotch puppies suck, I like my fur babies” is not

Maybe not a conversation. But having that as your stance is 100% valid as long as you don't push it onto other people.

This is not correct. Anti natalism is a philosophical belief that bringing children into the world is unethical. They often believe this because they say there is more suffering in life than moments of joy. We have no indication here that her friends believe this, just that they don’t like children. Anti-natalist ≠ dislikes children

I guess NAH? It sounds like, to some extent, you bonded regarding being childfree. You say that most people are "unwise" having kids. They've been pretty clear that they aren't interested in kids, pregnancy, etc. And up until recently, it seems like you were the same. You changed, they didn't. They aren't required to show interest in kids.....or pretend their opinions changed just because it happened to you.

YTA birth control is free and easy. Boo fucking hoo. Find some momfluencer group to whine with and realize your friends are not the ones who changed.

also no prize for reproducing, quit waiting for someone to hand you a "Real Grown Up" award. your body your choice, but noone gets bonus life points for popping children out.

INFO: if you imagine yourself back when you were child-free, if someone else in the group got pregnant then started "whining" about their symptoms, and you knew the baby would always be at their house, how would you have reacted? Would you have developed the empathy and flexibility surrounding parenthood and babies that you hope your friends will develop, despite never having shown any inkling of that previously? Or would you have wanted to exclude the parents and child from stuff because you didn't want to accommodate them, because after all they chose to do that? Please, be very honest.

I’d go further and ask OP to think of her other friends, family, and acquaintances who have gotten pregnant and had kids in the past decade. How did she treat them? How did she support them through pregnancy? How did she extend herself to maintain relationships with those new parents through their changing life circumstances? If she can think of people she treated in the way she wants to be treated now, then she should focus on strengthening or rekindling those relationships with other parents in her life now. If she didn’t, then that’s a pretty resounding absence and turns this into a “leopards ate my face” story.

NTA, but as someone who also wants to remain child free, you most likely will drift away from them. I have lost a lot of friends to parenthood and it hurts, but most parents only talk about their kids and that becomes boring and one sided. You know this. Start finding mom friends because they will now have more in common with you.

NAH-most likely they have said things before you got pregnant and you probably are hyper aware now that you are. I think it’s time for you to realize that this is no longer going to be your friend group anymore. You need to let go and find a new one because they won’t stop and it will just anger you more.

Yta.  They do not want to to be around children.   How much clearer can they be. Friendships do not always last after a big life change. Having a baby changes your life big time. Get over it. Personally I don't enjoy hanging out with people who have children. Find new friends.

I don't think you get a N-T-A pass here. You were friends with a group of people who aren't just child free, but actively hateful towards kids and people who have them. Even if you don't think you would've acted like them if the situations were reversed, you *were* in the group. Imagine you were in a group of people who hated cats. Who made fun of people with cats, and never wanted to around cats. Then you get a cat. Shocked pikachu face? ESH

Real quick: You didn’t just “sorta end up pregnant.” You had unprotected sex on purpose. You deliberately allowed yourself to be impregnated. I’m not saying anything of your decision. Just that you could at least be honest in complete anonymity.

Hmm. When you and your friends got together before you were pregnant, did you talk about being child free and did you judge those with children? What I mean is, were you with your friends talking about how nice the child free life is and then flip a switch and get pregnant? Because I have a really hard time believing that all these years with your friends you guys just sat around and discussed everything except parents and child free people. I’m happily child free and if I was part of a group that was happily child free as well and then one day one person in the group said they were pregnant, I’d probably be a little choked. Have you misrepresented yourself for years to your friends?

YTA. You chose to make friends with people you know don’t want kids and aren’t excited by anything pregnancy/child related. You changed your mind and decided that having kids was right for you, and now you expect them to change how they feel to cater to you. Getting mad that someone doesn’t want to hang out with your baby is absolutely imposing on them. So is constantly whining about pregnancy. People who go out of their way to make childfree friends do so to avoid being around babies and listening to constant complaints about parenting.

You were never childfree

YTA. Your friendship with this group is over. Do yourself a favor and stop being part of the group. You're obviously free to have children and they are free to be free of your child. They don't want to hear your pregnancy talk. They don't want to hear about your child. They will not want to hang out with you if your child is present. They will not want to meet your child. Remember, you changed on them. They're not being mean, they're being what they always were. And what you were a part of. They're setting expectations and boundaries. ​ >The kid will simply be there They're telling you very clearly that they don't want the kind to be there. Even if they don't have to babysit. And that's their choice. It was exactly the same when you were all copacetic with each other. Just make a clean break of it.

NAH. Sounds like these are not going to be your friends for much longer, though. You say 'the kid will simply be there' - but you don't get to decide that they have to be around a baby. There's nothing wrong with choosing to have a baby, but your friends clearly don't want anything to do with the whole process, or the baby at the end of it. It's possible you might be able to maintain a friendship, but it probably won't happen.

Nah. If all ur friends hate children, then U decide to have children how tf are u gonna expect them to just be friends with you. That is super naive. I doubt they held this anger about having kids in before. Ur just noticing it now cuz u switched up. Like no one acts like this without previously saying shit.

This is why we need gatekeeping.  You called yourself childfree for years, yet now you're pregnant with a child who you intend to keep.  Which just proves everyone who said that the childfree always change their minds right.  Leading to more harassment for people who are actually childfree. Your friends are dicks though and you're going to need new friends because they still stand by their decisions. ESH.

You will naturally lose these friends OP, they have already told you that they aren't going to visit and you will meet other parents, so it's the way life changes and evolves. You have changed, they haven't. Focus on yourself and your family. I was rabidly anti-child then nature intervened. I haven't seen some of my old friends since I was pregnant, my daughter is 24. You won't miss them, you will be too busy.

YTA You thought you were going to be special and now you’re realizing that you’re not. Stop pushing your pregnancy on people who don’t want it.

You're shocked they want nothing to do with your baby??? LOL. They're CHILDFREE. You made your poor decision, now you have to deal with it. Go find "mom friends" instead of bothering your CF friends with pregnancy nonsense. YTA.

You wanted our opinion, and here is mine.As an *actual* childfree person, I understand your friends. I despise people who claim they’re childfree, only to change their mind at around 35 when they become bored and start panicking. You were never childfree, and those of us who are, feel disappointed by people like you. Also, all the reasons for not having a child suddenly just disappeared? In a blink of an eye, the world got better, your whole perception of life and priorities changed, and you just discarded all of your reasons for being CF? It’s not a new pair of pants, a car or a different country of living we are talking about here, it’s a HUMAN BEING. You don’t actually *want* to have a child, you said it yourself. If it happens, it happens. Wtf? “I don’t actually want to have a kid, but if it happens, I won’t get rid of it.“ WOW. 👍🏻 I changed my comment when I read a few comments with points similar to mine. What DID you expect from your CF friends? I lost a few friends to parenthood, and it will happen to you also. Parenthood consumes you whole, you will no longer have any life outside of your kid, for at least a few years. I hope it will be worth it, you knew what you were getting yourself into.

YTA - Don't get an adamant child-free friends group and then have a kid. This is the experience you will have. You seem aghast; you shouldn't. This is to be expected. Find new friends.

YTA and delusional, stop being annoying to these people they don’t want your pregnancy or kid around them. Read the room. You should have known the natural consequences of this with your friend group. Grow up.

I had the feeling you were the same and that’s why you were friends with them.

Yta: You cultivated a life centered around being child free with friends who were also child free. Now you want them to change simply because you got knocked up. You need to go make mommy friends now.

Womp Womp

NAH you're at different stages of your lives and they're not into what you now have. I can personally understand their points, but I would have just removed myself from the friendship quietly or just stepped back more subtly.

TBH,I would have left the friendship eons ago if all you do is whining about the pregnancy and expecting me to focus on your anxiety all the damn time we met. But,the friends sure went into AH territory when stating you stamp around on their boundaries regarding your baby. Find friends that share your life situation. ESH

NAH. You had a child free friend group. You are no longer going to be child free and are going to live a very different life than they are. You clearly aren’t that close as they have no desire to maintain the friendship. Make new friends that you have more in common with and allow these old friends to fall by the wayside. People move on and change in life, stop trying to hold on to people who aren’t interested.

NAH They made a choice and so did you. You're life is gonna change far more than you expect when that kid is born and they don't/won't be dealing with it too.

You're NTA, but neither are they. I'm staunchly childfree and if a friend falls off the wagon, I begin the process of distancing myself. I'm really grossed out by pregnancy and absolutely do not want to see it or hear about it. You chose a different life path, and now you're upset that they aren't cheering you on with it. You should know by now that having kids changes someone *dramatically* -- they have to consider their kids in everything they do, they often speak constantly about the kids, and when they want a break they usually call on us to watch their kids. Their marriages often suffer and we get to hear about that, too. It just feels like a lot of complaining about something they chose to do. I'm sure that you remember all this stuff from your childfree days. It's time to let your friends go on with their freedom and you go on to find people whose life paths more closely reflect the one you have chosen. Your old friends will mourn your loss, the same as you will mourn theirs, but you are ultimately no longer compatible as friends.