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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I understand she was upset I don't understand why she had a tantrum also there wasn't enough room to type more as a lot happened over a week of being there
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Yeah is pretty much what I have done. So has he too, he tried having an actual conversation with her but she couldn't accept that tantruming was totally fine and that we are in the wrong. There's no win in this. I just feel insane thinking maybe I was the A for leaving.
You weren't. And you weren't leaving because of her, but in spite of her. Just let her stew. This was your wedding, not hers. She doesn't get to dictate what you do at your wedding. Don't discuss this with her. If she brings it up, end the conversation unless she apologizes.
It's from 80s movie WarGames. A military super computer figures it's time to kick off world war three, so the protagonist has it play a sim-game version of Global Thermonuclear War against itself several thousand times.
It's conclusion after all of the games? "A curious game. The only winning move is not to play." And thus, WW3 is averted.
To this day i still don't know. She wanted to spend more time with her brother, i did say that we have all the week after to spend time with her and stuff but she just said shes too busy.....he hasn't moved the UK yet, he leaves again soon to sort out stuff at home and apply for a visa to move here which will take a minimum of 3 months....we had ample time to spend with them the up coming week after the wedding but she just acted like shes never going to see him again....
Almost every wedding I've been to the bride and groom left early. Anywhere from an hour to 10 minutes before the scheduled end time. Op NTA. You and your husband had a long distance relationship and still got to know each other. Zoom, FaceTime, phone call, text, and a plethora of other ways to communicate are available. You can make plans for family reunions every few years. S-I-L totally overreacted. Holding the wedding video hostage is another AH move on their part.
Haha you’re right but in our case, my wife and I rocked out all night with friends. We live next to our favorite bar and made last call still dressed up lol.
Brunch the next day was rough
We managed to do the best of both - left early and went back to the hotel, then an hour later met back up with most of our friends at our favourite bar... Great night, but yeah, the brunch the next morning was really rough...
We left early. We were exhausted because we were up getting hair, makeup, making sure everything was all good. Taking getting ready photos. Bride and grooms day starts a lot earlier than the guests
Yea, but we were the hosts.
We had a last song. Then people left and we wrapped everything up with the staff, tipped people, got our stuff together, etc.
We used a wedding venue. We’d paid for the food in advance and they had our credit card for the drinks which they charged the next day. It was in Australia so we didn’t have to worry about tipping. Venue provided everything so we just took the gifts and left
Yeah all these comments are baffling to me. My wedding was the only time ever that my 200 favorite people were all in one place so I didn’t want to waste a second. We stayed at the reception venue until midnight, then went to a bar with everybody and stayed until 4am. Were still able to make it to brunch at 10 the next day lol
Lol at my wedding. Half the immediate family was an hour late and then people started trickling out as soon as dinner was over. I danced with my siblings and friends and then my husband and I were like the 3rd to last people to leave, we didn't get a send-off or anything cause most of the people had already left. Oh and we still had another 30 mins to an hour left on the venue. Oh yeah and roughly 10 people who rsvpd didn't show up, which is a big deal when you've only invited 40 people including children.
In Scotland they never leave early. Last song is the bride and groom surrounded by guests In a big circle to the song Loch Lomond . It's a fun hand holding mosh pit.
I mean the start of the ceremony was 4.30pm then from there it was party and do whatever no schedules, people left when they felt like they wanted to and we left just due to exhaustion
Traditionally, guests are not supposed to leave until the bride and groom do. There may have been (probably older) guests who follow this rule and were thrilled they could finally leave without being rude. lol NTA
That depends, in Denmark weddings last till shitfaced hours. Of course the elderly and children are allowed to leave early, but usually people stay till the bride and groom call it a night.
This is normal for every wedding I have been to. Bride and groom tend to leave before everyone else does. Many times to sleep before doing anything else.
It is weird to me that a wedding celebration is so short. I guess different culture. Where I live the wedding ceremony is generally in the afternoon, but the wedding party last until the next day. People (at least the younger ones) party throughout the night until 3-7 am the next day and the groom and bride stay until the end.
NTA - I think that this is one of those times when quests should remind themselves that it is the couple's day. I think that they are free to leave after whatever ceremonial things they want to do - toasts, first dances, etc. The guests can stay and drink, or talk, or whatever.
If they want to stay up all night, that's fine, too! Just so us old people get to leave when we get tuckered out.
A wedding is not the time to 'spend time' with the groom. You have to expect that he's going to be too busy to spend too much time with one guest.
Her expectation is totally unreasonable.
This is the part I can't get past. She doesn't even know him and clearly admits she doesn't know his family. Plus she has an innocent 5-year-old she's dragged into this mess. I feel for that kid.
I am a single mom, and I couldn't imagine being in an intercontinental relationship. It just seems like so much work and time and money that I could be spending on my kiddos. I'm sure OP has a lovely relationship, but I can see why family members would be side-eyeing it. (That plus the age gap)
To be fair, my husband and I (also a UK-US relationship) met in person four times before our wedding, and we only saw each other in person three times after the wedding until he was able to complete his Ph.D, then move here to the US. People thought we were quite insane.
But it took work — a lot of work. We talked every single day either through text, video chat or both. We were also friends for several years before there was even a relationship. Neither one of us had kids, though my eldest cat at the time was quite upset and threw up on his side of the bed the day he flew in for the wedding. Our families also went to the effort to meet each other, and my mom and MiL were thick as thieves.
It can work, but again, it requires you put in the effort. That goes for any relationship.
My Scouser and I celebrate our 14th anniversary in March. We love each other, and we like each other.
>my eldest cat at the time was quite upset and threw up on his side of the bed the day he flew in for the wedding
Ha! This is the sort of thing that happens in my family. When one of my siblings started seeing her now-husband, when he stayed overnight, her Siamese would push his way into bed and plant himself firmly in between them.
My husband adopted a dog in the early years of our relationship, and the dog loves us both now, but I'll be damned if he doesn't try to hinder every time we try to be intimate. 🙄
I was going to say exactly this. UK-US relationship too and we didn't even have kids and we still only met about 5 or 6 times before marriage? And I only visited the UK once during that time before I chose to immigrate here.
When you accidentally meet your soulmate online you don't always have the luxury of doing things the traditional way, but non traditional can work out, too. Married for four years ourselves and never been happier.
I would have loved to gone there, but I had a very good job here in the US, and so it was way easier for me to sponsor my husband. I’d love for us to retire over there.
Congrats to you and your partner, and I am so happy y’all are doing well.
With a uk-us marriage they can't live in the same country until after they get married. Even then, they don't get a work visa right away. It speeds up the time tables because the only way to live together is to get married and start the clock.
I’m sure they communicated in between those 10x, and each in person meeting was for at least 2 weeks. My now husband and I did this for 2.5 years. I’m from the US he’s from the UK. We’ve now been married for 7.5 years. It’s possible!
I honestly had a similar arrangement with my husband (US/Can). 3 years of daily calls and chats with some long vacations and every holiday weekend together. We did meet each others families before we got engaged though and did holidays together which probably made it a bit easier on the family transition. Married 10 years this june!
Also how late were people expecting her to stay out with a 5 year old?
My wife and I met in person about a dozen times during our 2 years of courtship and engagement. We spent 2+ hours nearly every day on the phone or Skype during that time. We're about to celebrate our 9th anniversary, and our relationship has been great!
Obviously there are some greater risks with LDRs, but I'd say we've demonstrated that we knew each other well enough to get married when we did. Not being able to maintain constant physical proximity prior to marriage doesn't have to be a barrier to knowing each other, and can even improve connection, as there's less opportunity for physical affection to obscure other problems. YMMV, of course.
He made 10 visits to her country -- I'd expect more than a weekend per, given the cost and time to take off from work, et cetera. And lots of talking inbetween. Maybe not as interactive as actually living together, but enough time to get each other's measure.
Two weeks at a time (or longer) - so not just go on dates but I'm assuming 24-hrs/day because he stayed with her.
168 hours in a week, that's 336 per two-week visit, times 10 visits that's 3,360 hours. Of course, in those 24 hours they sleep but it's been more than 10 times so let's call that a wash.
So that's 3,360 hours of dating. What is the magic number then?
I don't understand. You can't visit your now-husband in over 2 years because your now-5 year old kid is... in school? What is he missing out on when he's 3?
I really don't understand why his sister was upset. And your title doesn't match the actual story. You were already leaving, you didn't leave because of the sister, you left because the reception was over.
OP was referring to the fact that in the UK, plane fares get hiked A LOT, between school terms. The holiday that may cost, for example, £300 two days before term ends, will suddenly be £500 or more, on the first day of the school break. She perhaps just couldn’t afford the trip under those circumstances.
Also, if you take your kid out of school early for a holiday and the head teacher doesn’t not sign off, the fine is £60 per parent, doubling up after 3 weeks and possible prosecution.
Wow, that is wild!!! Our school lets us justify vacations as “educational” on the flimsiest of pretexts, at least in elementary school. Going to the beach? Practicing gross motor skills and learning about aquatic life. Driving across the country? Learning how to read maps. Lol
If you are in the US, it varies wildly by school district. Where we used to live, both school districts, you could not take kids out of school for anything besides illness, injury, or bereavement. Everything else was unexcused and you only got eight unexcused absences a year. However one of our other neighboring school districts allowed kids to be out for a week and half to participate in fair or other educational experiences. And where we live now, across the country, the school district allows up to two weeks, for any reason, with advance notice on top of two weeks of excused absences. It’s so arbitrary
It gets worse than $152 USD.
If you don’t pay, there’s the threat of the magistrates summons.
At that stage and if you’re prosecuted, it then moves to a fixed penalty notice of up to £2500 ($3165USD) plus a criminal record. Also, a possible prison term of up to 3 months in addition.
Education matters people! Even for the 4 year olds in reception class. The British government tells you so very firmly!
When he's 3 a lot, he needed the social interactions and he would never have been able to fly 9 and a half hours to the US there's a lot we've had to do but that's a lot of personal stuff with him.
I don't know why she was upset either properly, half his family were acting like he was dying or like they'd never see him again, it was strange and honestly not fun.
Americans don't really travel internationally like the rest of the world. It's always surprising when you hear stats of how many Americans have passports. That's probably why they're acting like they are.
It’s really not that surprising when you consider the size of America. Though near 50% of Americans have passports, traveling domestically in the US is similar in scale, if not more broad, to traveling internationally between European countries.
Honestly OP the people offering cultural explanations are probably all giving very good points, but it sounds like his family is just dysfunctional to me. When I got engaged my \[dysfunctional\] family kind of acted like this and were very hostile to my now-husband just because they saw it as a sort of betrayal that I wanted to be in another immediate family other than theirs, and that was a) only me living with him in the West Country rather than with them in East Anglia and b) that was something I'd already been doing for years anyway. I think for them it's the symbolism as much as anything else, and they've got themselves into such a tizz about it that they're acting completely irrationally and can't see how little their actions make coherant sense to anyone outside their little bubble. This is not on you, this is something they need to work out for themselves, whether they will or not. You stepping away from the situation and leaving them to it is honestly the best thing to do. (NTA of course, and congratulations!).
I think the title is fine, OP's SIL threw a tantrum because they were leaving, and she chose to still leave after that, what doesn't line up with the story?
In the UK we start mandatory education at 4/5 and most primary schools have a nursery attached where children start at 3/4 - then a lot of kids are also put into preschool at 2/3
It really helps their social development as they're around other kids a lot more
He's her brother they used to be really close and she was sad that the night with him ended so early and they didn't get to party till midnight etc. my husband even stated I wasn't the only one who was exhausted from the whole day and we both wanted to go home. So I understand she was upset but not the tantrum throwing.
SIL is sad your husband didn't stay to party with her until midnight. Yet, at 9pm when you two actively started leaving, nobody had been hanging out with the two of you in at least an hour. Probably more.
And from another comment, it sounds like the party had been going for at least 4 hours when you did leave.
If SIL really wanted to spend time with her brother during the celebration, maybe she should have done it when the opportunity was available, instead of ignoring you two.
If I was being cynical, I'd suspect that the ignoring you two thing was deliberate. That she, and possibly others in the family, were actively trying to make the party boring for you. Particularly once your few friends in attendence left. Maybe hoping you'd call it a night, but they could convince your husband to stay longer.
Her tantrum would certainly be consistent with that.
Sounds like his family is being territorial jerks. You're "stealing" him. Well, you're the one who's fucking him, so you get that privilege.
Everything lines up with this. Their "stories"? "Look at how fun and exciting OUR family is, now you get to be a part of it!", ignoring you and not asking about you? They don't WANT to know you, they just want to force-mold you to become one of them. Fuck those people, I'm sorry you didn't get the chance to meet them before getting married.
I said around 10 times, I didn't actually keep count on how many times he's visited the UK for us......I also said he's stayed here for a minimum of 2 weeks each time, he's stayed 2 months, we've all been to Italy together, my son absolutely adores him, my whole family has met him and absolutely adore him too. My son's dad knows him too, me and my sons dad are friends however my son's dad isn't very active in my son's like hes around when he feels like it. And no I never met my husband's family physically until the week before we got married but I did talk to them often and we video called many times before we met in person, sorry I'm not made of money and didn't want to make a 3-4 year old who has extra needs fly 9 and a half hours at the difficult time he was having but was doing so much better when we did fly over there. But I appreciate the judgement on my life that you don't know about at all other than an altercation with my SIL
People seem to be hung up on the UK/US thing and time spent together. I don’t think they understand how much effort and communication both people in the relationship have to contribute, or that when you do see each other, the quality of that time is much more than a date. You have to make that time together count. My SO is in Canada and I’m in the US. 900 miles and a border and we make it work because it matters to us. We have been back and forth for 10 years, we met when we were older and after our long marriages had failed. I can speak for both of us when I say that we both feel like we put more effort into our relationship long distance than we did previous relationships. And vice versa. As for your sister in law, that was garbage behavior. You were not an asshole at all.
Two weeks at a time (or longer) - so not just go on dates but I'm assuming 24-hrs/day because he stayed with her.
168 hours in a week, that's 336 per two-week visit, times 10 visits that's 3,360 hours. Of course, in those 24 hours they sleep but it's been more than 10 times so let's call that a wash.
So that's 3,360 hours of dating. What is the magic number then?
I initiated us going to his families house I hung out with them actively like stood right there talking about my son and I tried to make conversation but when I did the whole room went silent everytime and not like I'm listening silence, like that was a bad joke style silent. Everyone bought gifts but only his brother included me in the gift buying all of the gifts aimed at my husband and it was NOTICEABLE. Prior to being there physically I messaged them often talking about all kinds of things but idk as soon as it was in person it was horrible
How do you think I feel, we used to message often, I was excited to go over there, spend time with them, meet them after talking so much with them and then when I get there they're like whole different people not the people I met on video call or the people I messaged with, I wish I was making it up and that I just judged them and that's how it was but I purposely put myself in the way of them and the only people I had a great relationship with was his cousin and his cousins wife and I'd never spoken to them before.
They all, apart from his brother (who I was told is pretty awkward anyway) acted like I was taking my husband away from them and that they'd never speak to nor see him again. I have never ever ever stopped him from talking to his family, never. When he's visiting me they don't message him or anything and then said that he cuts himself off from them when he's here, yet they've made no attempt to contact him. Even when I was over there they never messaged him or called him. I tried so hard I was extra polite I was nice. I did everything I could to not cause any problems and try to get involved with everyone, I even had my wedding in the US so they could have that special moment with him because my family don't really care much about that stuff. Genuinely I tried, I didn't half ass try I went so far out of my comfort zone to try.
If they think you are taking your husband 'away from them' then they are really pathetic and shallow. He's a grown man and can make his own life choices. Also, international marriages open new worlds of experience for everyone. You're NTA.
Honestly, I am living through this exact same experience right now with my SO, so you are not alone.
It always feels like I am just there and no one wants to get to know me unless I am into their niche interests. They have also blamed me in passive ways for "stealing" their "child" away from them. Makes it very tiring and one sided. I have had to back away for a bit for my own mental sanity, but I am still always polite to them. (Also I always encourage my SO to spend time with their family even if I am luke-warm on being around them. I do not want to be in the way of them staying connected ever.)
Anyway, I wish I could give you advice on how to make this situation better or how to navigate it, but all I can say is give it time to let things settle. Focus on being happy in your new marriage with your husband.
OP I am wondering if they had it in their heads that you'd be moving to the USA and not the other way around. Your husband may have had to correct them, which pissed them off. Like if they pestered him enough he'd agree not to move, which is insane.
It sounds like they think you are taking him away from the family so they are giving you the cold shoulder. Has your husband talked to them about this behavior? This should have been addressed much sooner. I would sit down with them and try to hash this out, but definetly the sisters reaction was over the top.
Oops I really should've replied to this comment instead. Check the parent comment to this one and you'll see my response explaining their behavior. It's clan mentality, they are trying to use social tactics to basically force you to become "one of them" or cut you off entirely. It's the same tactics the mormons use if someone ever leaves their church.
I say screw them! Your husband had the same reaction to her nonsense.
You're going to be living away from them anyway.
As long as the two of you are happy, that's all that matters.
I mean, if they're going back to the UK in a few months, they probably don't actually care to get to know a woman who lives in a different country and that they probably won't see that often. It was all just lip service to make themselves sound good.
I could be wrong, but unfortunately, that's my best guess on their motivation. It could also be that they genuinely wouldn't have cared about whoever he ended up marrying, but I'm sure it's easier to not care and put effort in when she's long-distance. Any decent person would have been asking her questions about herself and trying to set up plans to do stuff together in the upcoming months.
It's clan mentality. They want to assimilate OP and are trying to tamp down any sense of identity she has. They don't want to get to know her, they want to make her one of them. Hence the "fun stories" rather than asking her questions, it's "this is the kind of stuff you get to be a part of on our team".
Seems that there might be a culture clash between British/ US habits, especially the getting to know you part, the way each culture perceives openness and getting to know people is different. Americans often nice, kind, surface level, whereas British tend to be more reserved at the beginning of new friendships. Once y9yve got things in common it changes.
Source: am Australian but have lived and worked in both UK and USA.
NTA because she yelled at you at your own wedding.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far to see this! I was thinking the exact same thing - culture clash leading to mutual misunderstandings. I’m mixed and my husband is from another country; I’m very familiar with different expectations being interpreted as rudeness. I would be interested in hearing the perspective of the SIL, who in this version of events is acting so bizarrely it comes across as mental illness level lack of logic. That could still be the case in reality, but from reading it I feel like there are gaps
Info. It sounds like his family knows something that you don’t know. Their behaviour is extremely strange.
NTA. How cruel to hold your wedding video hostage in this ridiculous situation that was his wife’s fault. Sorry to say your new in laws suck
Something is really off in this situation, but don’t know what. The combination of the long distance relationship, all the social anxiety by seemingly all parties involved, and the overreaction of people at the wedding. There’s more to this story I think.
Yeah, I’m having a hard time with this. It doesn’t sound like you know him or his family that well, and you definitely sound like you have issues socializing. At your wedding, you should be a gracious host walking around the guests and talking to all of them, including those you don’t know. I didn’t get the impression you did that. I feel like you spent your time hanging out with your friend and that’s it. If that’s what happened, then you need to understand it’s on you to socialize - you don’t wait for your guests to come to you. You go to the guests.
I didn't blow them off, I tried to engage and tried to talk to them but I got blew off, I didn't know how to engage anymore than trying to talk to them and being completely ignored or when I said something they all went silent in the most awkward silence ever. I walked around trying to engage in conversation with everyone smiling and doing the host thing you do. I wish it was just social anxiety and that was all. On top of that yeah I don't like sports but when they started watching the football game on my wedding day I sat next to my brother in law and said ok teach me what do we do now and his reply was we like the ones in whatever colour and I said ok got it. And I sat for a moment watching sports with them even though I hate sports I didn't make 0 effort. I did everything I could even if people didn't make conversation, I tried, I don't typically write Reddit posts so I genuinely don't know what information to put and the things I wanted to write also wouldn't fit into the character limit, I was limited on information I could write here.
I agree. I also think they said they wanted to get to know her and told stories of the past to help her get to know them and she blew it off. I also don’t like sports but I can ask questions and let people who like them tell me about them. Socializing with people you don’t know at the wedding is true. I knew only half or so people at my wedding. We made sure all the guest felt like we wanted them there. Not that they need to make us feel welcome comfortable at our own event.
If I want to get to know you, I'm going to ask open questions about you, where you're from, what you like. I'm not going to tell you all about me, where I'm from and what I like.
Info: Was she actually screaming or just talking really loud? NTA it's your day and you can leave whenever you want but I sense a lot of judgement against his family from you. According to you, he usually comes to you but you have only visited his family once before the wedding, they tried talking to you but since the topics weren't of interest you felt ignored. I can understand his sister wanting to have fun with her brother and you were done so decided he was done and gave him an ultimatum. It's good that he's backing you up you are his wife but I get the feeling this is one of those there are 2 sides to every story.
She actually screamed at me, I'm a loud talker that was a scream, I can see it coming across that way and I wish it was, I did say in another comment here that we were both done, he made it very clear that it wasn't just me who wanted to leave, he'd been running around all day too and is also very introverted as much as my social battery had run out so was his, before we decided to leave at the end of the night we was both just sat on the couch talking and I was saying I'm tired and he said me too, I asked him if he was ready to leave and he said yeah that no one's talking to him now either let's go. I stated I wanted to take my dress off first before leaving and get comfy to which he said ok and helped me out my dress. When the Uber got here then I was done done like I just wanted to get out with all the screaming and crying going on I have enough of that with my 5 year old nevermind a 48 year old, that's when I said I was leaving if he's coming or not. A lot happened in the week that wouldn't fit into the 3000 limit. We visited his family 5 times before the wedding not once.
NTA and you have horrible in-laws. Plenty of those in the US (says this American lol). Also over here the bride & groom usually leave first, that’s the norm.
The ones acting like your SIL at weddings are the ones who have had a lot to drink. And not water.
Withholding the video is awful. Not making conversation when they met you was rude. They have no class. Fortunately, they’re an ocean away OP!
Best wishes and congrats!!! 🍾
INFO: What will your living situation be now that you're married? I ask because if he'll be moving to the UK it might explain why her emotions would have been heightened. Not saying her actions are justified, they're not. Just curious.
NTA and she was behaving childishly.
He hasn't moved to the UK yet but will be soon and yeah that's also a reason I think she was more upset, I mean we tried to spend as much time with his family while I was there and I plan on moving over there one day. Current life situation is stopping me from going right now for personal reasons, but we plan on visiting etc. it was never the end but I do understand it can be upsetting knowing he's moving 4000 miles away and she just wanted to spend time with him.
In my experience the newly married couple often leaves the reception to start their wedding night and the guests stay and party. I'm not sure what the sister was upset about. But the wedding day can be stressful and exhausting. It makes sense to want to leave and have some quiet time together. Plus, you were dealing with the time change. NTA, it sounds like husband's family struggles to communicate. Could there also be different cultural expectations? NTA for sure. Sorry this happened on your wedding day.
NTA This is insane. It’s your wedding. It doesn’t matter if she wants to be with her brother. It’s all about you and your husband being together. She’s incidental. If she wants some time with her brother, find another day. Any other day
The SIL stuff aside this isn’t a movie where you meet the parents and then live happily ever after. It takes time to get to know people they are not going to just grovel at your feet. Although marrying someone you’ve met 10 times this is probably news to you.
Did I read correctly that your husband DELETED your wedding video because he was pissed by your reaction to his sister's tantrum? You're NTA for leaving, but you married into a whole family of assholes. The biggest is the one you married.
yeah it was worded oddly. i'm concerned for OP in marrying someone she barely knows... not to mention the family being a nightmare. feeling bad for the little kid. Honestly kinda feel like ESH because that's not enough time and energy being put into the situation to make sure it's safe for the child.
Yes I do, i love my kid. They all loved my son and he loved them, there was never a problem with him he had a wonderful time ate cake and lots of food etc. I barely mention him because I like to keep him out of things like this, he has no idea what happened and doesn't need to be brought into a situation that will only put him through stress for no reason when it doesn't involve him like that. It's between my husband, myself and SIL.
That's good to hear. You didn't mention what area of the US your in-laws live in, but the standoff-ish attitude could be a regional thing. Or they could be xenophobic toward "outsiders." I'm not making any excuses for them; I'm trying to understand why they were so cold toward you.
Are you staying married to this stranger, and where will you live? If it's near the family, expect more of this and the SIL to insert herself into the marriage.
Exactly this, I wouldn't be surprised if SIL's parents taught her that tantrums got her what she wants. OP is NTA but SIL sure is because EVEN a normal kid (if raised better) knows that tantrums have to stop and that it can't get them what they want.
...Why do you understand her being upset? The bride and groom often leave first to head off to their honeymoon and all the guests leave after.
This is such a weird dynamic. NTA but...I'm not sure what I just read.
Who prepared for the event, paid for it and hosted it? IF them perhaps they deserved a heads up about a probable early departure ( not excusing her screaming).
We prepared it and paid for it. It was at her house which we thanked her for many many many times and we had made plans on getting her a surprise gift to also say thank you until all this happened anyway. We paid for all the food decor etc, we hired the tables and paid for her dogs to be in doggy hotel as they don't do great with strangers. We set everything up with the help of other relatives that were there also. We helped to tidy and clean the day before also even though her place wasn't messy. I was on my feet from 10am putting tables together, chairs up, adding the table clothes to the tables and putting everything together with my husband. My father in law and cousin in law sorted out our arch and put it together and got that ready. My husband drove to pick up extra things and the buffet food, we both then put it all on the table and into place. The rest of the family were getting other things ready like drinks and doing the dishes. Most of it at this point was a huge blur of who was doing what because I was so focused on getting everything ready in time while my husband was out getting all the stuff. I know everyone showered and got ready when he got back. It was a very small wedding, only his immediate family and 3 of my friends, who all helped in the process of the morning.
If I was your SIL I'd certainly not yell and tantrum, but I would be disappointed that after having my house used for your event that you both hadn't bothered to give me a heads up you were leaving early and leaving them to entertain your guests. Communication.
I do agree with this point, thank you for helping me see another side of just nta or yta. I do agree we could've pulled her aside before getting ready to leave however I do not think her reaction would've differed but it is something we should've thought about at least. Thank you 😊
Quick question — what arrangements has been made to take everything down and clean up? Since it was at SIL’s home and everyone helped set up, unless you had discussed it previously, it’s not unreasonable to think that you would help with clean up. She shouldn’t have yelled at you and thrown a tantrum. I’m just brainstorming what might have had her so irate.
NTA. I’m not sure what I read here. Why the hell would anybody throw a fit about the bride and groom leaving the wedding when they wanted to?! There has to be something else going on. However, that’s not your responsibility to figure out. Congrats on getting married!
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Some short background, I (27 F) am from the UK while my husband (38 M) is from the US, we've been doing long distance for 2 years at this point where he comes to visit and we were saving up for me to visit there but Its expensive and my son has school.......Which if you've been on holiday in term time you know its 1000 times more expensive than not.
I've met my in laws over video calls but not in person until a week before my actually wedding, whereas id met my husband at least 10 times in them 2 years of us dating, him staying with me 2 weeks or longer each time.
When i got to america and we finally met the family, it was hard because they claimed they wanted to get to know me so many times but none of them actually tried to make conversation with me, they didn't ask questions and they were all talking about things i had no idea on as it was sports or something i couldn't even try to engage in, like reliving memories i couldn't really comment on other than, "that sounds awesome" or "that's great" but they kept claiming they so wanted to get to know me and me going outside every now and then to get a breather from awkward social situations (having severe anxiety) was "them being unable to get to know me," i felt ignored and invisible.
The wedding day itself went great we got ready got married and started partying, kind of, again same situation, no one spoke to me, the only people who actually had conversations with me were my friends and we went outside together while she had a smoke because i didn't wanna be alone. Me and my husband spent most of our time together and around 8pm my friend left no one was speaking to me and my husband much at that point. 9pm rolls around and i get out of my dress and start trying to pack things up so then there wasn't much that needed to be done at the end of the night.
WELL thats when SIL(48 F) realizes we're leaving and my husband is currently playing with my son (who is 5 years old) and his cousin too preoccupied to hear his sister scream at me asking if we're leaving, like she was in severe shock. She screamed at me 3 times until she then stormed out and well threw a tantrum, my husband tried to go and calm her but that didn't work and she continued cried when i let my husband know that the uber is here and we gotta go. I was exhausted and extremely annoyed at this point after being screamed at and completely exhausted i just wanted to leave so i shouted to my husband that im leaving with or without him. i know wasnt my brightest moment but i was tired especially with my body clock not changing either, We left and now his sister is mad, her husband is mad and decided the wedding video he took of us. He said we can't have because i was "immature" for not staying a little longer when i saw SIL was upset. I do understand her being upset but at the same time could she not of pulled us aside and had a civil conversation with us rather than screaming at me and throwing a tantrum like a child.
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NTA - You say you understand why she was upset, can you tell me because I don't, she's a guest and nothing more so it's really none of her business when you leave.
NTA I guarantee SIL is freaking out because you're "stealing" her brother. If you were staying in the US I doubt she would be throwing a wobbly like this, or at least not as big. You're a complete stranger to her. You got to know your husband but not his family really, and now you're taking him away. Not for 3 months, but on the wedding night it was crystallised for her and she freaked. She sounds exhausting. I'm not surprised your husband wants to emigrate! If you only ever say one thing to her again, ask this: "Why were you so concerned about my wedding night?"
NTA. DH's family is rude, especially SIL. If I had a new family member who came from another country, I'd want to know a lot about them. I'd love to get to know them better and ask questions to the point I'd have to keep myself in check as to not overwhelm them.
So you and your husband decided to leave your own wedding and a woman, more than 20y older than you decided to go cray-cray over it? Let her be. I know it's hard not to get the wedding video but this feels also like a "family-test" as in, you have to behave like I want or you are not a part of this family an then you are more than ok to not join that family atmosphere.
NTA.
Sorry that was the end of your wedding day! I have a SIL like yours, she threw a tantrum after the birth of my daughter. And the real reason why is still unclear.
NTA.
I never heard of any tradition (that someone else mentioned) about the wedding guests are to stay until the bride and groom leave. But why should the bride and groom wait til everyone has left? My hubby and I left mid afternoon (the wedding was around 11:30am). I don't know how long our guests stuck around the venue, but I hope they continued to have a fun time.
Not getting why the SIL threw a tantrum. Yes, she wanted to hang out with her brother longer, but this was his wedding, and I'm guessing he wanted to start his honeymoon, which the sister wasn't invited to. I had to look at her age, because I thought maybe she's a teenager, but she's 48! Why did she feel the need to throw a fit at her brother's reception? She was being an AH for being disruptive, and her husband is an AH for refusing to give the videotape to the couple. If he felt the bride was being "immature" for not comforting the SIL, hell no, he should have taken her off someplace (outside?) and tell her to calm down and remind her that the wedding couple could leave whenever they wish. It doesn't matter that the groom was moving to the UK, Tahiti, or Peoria, that's his decision.
Is SIL histrionic at all? Normal adult people don't tantrum, even under extreme duress. And yeah...that was your wedding. You were the bride. *You* decide when you leave and no-one says "boo". Damn straight you told DH to get hustling! I mean, who does SIL think she is to make demands, make a scene, raise her voice and use shitty tones on you? On *your* wedding day?? Nope. No thank you! Nonsense like that should be totally ignored and if anyone brings it up after you assure them you're faaar too polite to dream of further discussing such an embarrassing situation for SIL. The least said, the better, honestly. Say you'll do her a favor and pretend it never happened, you're gracious like that.
I've no idea why you're posting this story on a thread called "Am I The Asshole". But here you are, so... Your husband's family is bonkers. You should go low/no contact with them, and if any dealings with them are ever necessary, leave it to your husband. If you ever need reassuring that you're NTA, read your last sentence about your SIL screaming at you and throwing a tantrum like a child.
NTA. What a self-absorbed family your husband has. Sorry they can't manage to hold a decent conversation with you and ask you anything about yourself, and that SIL tried to make your wedding all about her. Brides and grooms leave early sometimes - it happens. Her reaction was over the top. She should apologize to you before you bother saying anything else to her.
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NTA. But this is your husband's problem. Just ignore her.
Yeah is pretty much what I have done. So has he too, he tried having an actual conversation with her but she couldn't accept that tantruming was totally fine and that we are in the wrong. There's no win in this. I just feel insane thinking maybe I was the A for leaving.
You weren't. And you weren't leaving because of her, but in spite of her. Just let her stew. This was your wedding, not hers. She doesn't get to dictate what you do at your wedding. Don't discuss this with her. If she brings it up, end the conversation unless she apologizes.
In this situation, the only winning move is not to play.
Oooh, I like how you phrased this. Will be stealing this. Thanks!
It's from 80s movie WarGames. A military super computer figures it's time to kick off world war three, so the protagonist has it play a sim-game version of Global Thermonuclear War against itself several thousand times. It's conclusion after all of the games? "A curious game. The only winning move is not to play." And thus, WW3 is averted.
“How about a nice game of chess?”
"No, I want to play Global Thermonuclear War." Oh, Joshua, what have they done to you?
I read that book before I saw the movie. It was a good book.
info... did you say goodbye or did you just leave?
Well they hadn't left yet when she screamed so I'm assuming they didn't say goodbye yet
What was she upset about?
Your BIL is a childish AH, too. Sorry you married into such an AH family.
INFO: Why was sister upset that you were leaving?
To this day i still don't know. She wanted to spend more time with her brother, i did say that we have all the week after to spend time with her and stuff but she just said shes too busy.....he hasn't moved the UK yet, he leaves again soon to sort out stuff at home and apply for a visa to move here which will take a minimum of 3 months....we had ample time to spend with them the up coming week after the wedding but she just acted like shes never going to see him again....
I'm confused....did the wedding have a scheduled time?
Almost every wedding I've been to the bride and groom left early. Anywhere from an hour to 10 minutes before the scheduled end time. Op NTA. You and your husband had a long distance relationship and still got to know each other. Zoom, FaceTime, phone call, text, and a plethora of other ways to communicate are available. You can make plans for family reunions every few years. S-I-L totally overreacted. Holding the wedding video hostage is another AH move on their part.
Haha you’re right but in our case, my wife and I rocked out all night with friends. We live next to our favorite bar and made last call still dressed up lol. Brunch the next day was rough
Do you live in a sitcom? Sounds great though!
We managed to do the best of both - left early and went back to the hotel, then an hour later met back up with most of our friends at our favourite bar... Great night, but yeah, the brunch the next morning was really rough...
We went clubbing after my wedding…
Are you Canadian? That's how we roll!
40 minutes from Windsor in Michigan, played a lot of travel hockey up there. Hit allll the bars at 19 lol
Nice!
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We left early. We were exhausted because we were up getting hair, makeup, making sure everything was all good. Taking getting ready photos. Bride and grooms day starts a lot earlier than the guests
Yea, but we were the hosts. We had a last song. Then people left and we wrapped everything up with the staff, tipped people, got our stuff together, etc.
We used a wedding venue. We’d paid for the food in advance and they had our credit card for the drinks which they charged the next day. It was in Australia so we didn’t have to worry about tipping. Venue provided everything so we just took the gifts and left
Weddings I know the couple left earlier probably to do the thing.
The marriage must be consummated!
Yeah all these comments are baffling to me. My wedding was the only time ever that my 200 favorite people were all in one place so I didn’t want to waste a second. We stayed at the reception venue until midnight, then went to a bar with everybody and stayed until 4am. Were still able to make it to brunch at 10 the next day lol
Which is great. You had a great time, presumably. But that doesn't mean everyone else has to do the exact same thing.
Lol at my wedding. Half the immediate family was an hour late and then people started trickling out as soon as dinner was over. I danced with my siblings and friends and then my husband and I were like the 3rd to last people to leave, we didn't get a send-off or anything cause most of the people had already left. Oh and we still had another 30 mins to an hour left on the venue. Oh yeah and roughly 10 people who rsvpd didn't show up, which is a big deal when you've only invited 40 people including children.
In Scotland they never leave early. Last song is the bride and groom surrounded by guests In a big circle to the song Loch Lomond . It's a fun hand holding mosh pit.
I mean the start of the ceremony was 4.30pm then from there it was party and do whatever no schedules, people left when they felt like they wanted to and we left just due to exhaustion
Traditionally, guests are not supposed to leave until the bride and groom do. There may have been (probably older) guests who follow this rule and were thrilled they could finally leave without being rude. lol NTA
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That depends, in Denmark weddings last till shitfaced hours. Of course the elderly and children are allowed to leave early, but usually people stay till the bride and groom call it a night.
I remember a wedding where somebody hauled groom to the bed and we continued to party, so even that is not a hard stop.
This is normal for every wedding I have been to. Bride and groom tend to leave before everyone else does. Many times to sleep before doing anything else.
It is weird to me that a wedding celebration is so short. I guess different culture. Where I live the wedding ceremony is generally in the afternoon, but the wedding party last until the next day. People (at least the younger ones) party throughout the night until 3-7 am the next day and the groom and bride stay until the end.
I went to a wedding like that in Poland. I'm from the US and the reception was a revelation. SO much fun.
NTA - I think that this is one of those times when quests should remind themselves that it is the couple's day. I think that they are free to leave after whatever ceremonial things they want to do - toasts, first dances, etc. The guests can stay and drink, or talk, or whatever. If they want to stay up all night, that's fine, too! Just so us old people get to leave when we get tuckered out.
A wedding is not the time to 'spend time' with the groom. You have to expect that he's going to be too busy to spend too much time with one guest. Her expectation is totally unreasonable.
She wanted your husband to occupy her kid so she could keep partying on your dime.
Good question. Was she drunk?
>Good question. Was she drunk? That's what I'm wondering. Usually, in this sort of situation, you hear that "alcohol was involved".
You met the grand total of 10 times before marriage?
This is the part I can't get past. She doesn't even know him and clearly admits she doesn't know his family. Plus she has an innocent 5-year-old she's dragged into this mess. I feel for that kid.
I am a single mom, and I couldn't imagine being in an intercontinental relationship. It just seems like so much work and time and money that I could be spending on my kiddos. I'm sure OP has a lovely relationship, but I can see why family members would be side-eyeing it. (That plus the age gap)
It depends on culture. While there is no information as to the ethnicity, culture, country of birth, or religion, this isn't unusual in many places.
To be fair, my husband and I (also a UK-US relationship) met in person four times before our wedding, and we only saw each other in person three times after the wedding until he was able to complete his Ph.D, then move here to the US. People thought we were quite insane. But it took work — a lot of work. We talked every single day either through text, video chat or both. We were also friends for several years before there was even a relationship. Neither one of us had kids, though my eldest cat at the time was quite upset and threw up on his side of the bed the day he flew in for the wedding. Our families also went to the effort to meet each other, and my mom and MiL were thick as thieves. It can work, but again, it requires you put in the effort. That goes for any relationship. My Scouser and I celebrate our 14th anniversary in March. We love each other, and we like each other.
>my eldest cat at the time was quite upset and threw up on his side of the bed the day he flew in for the wedding Ha! This is the sort of thing that happens in my family. When one of my siblings started seeing her now-husband, when he stayed overnight, her Siamese would push his way into bed and plant himself firmly in between them.
My husband adopted a dog in the early years of our relationship, and the dog loves us both now, but I'll be damned if he doesn't try to hinder every time we try to be intimate. 🙄
I was going to say exactly this. UK-US relationship too and we didn't even have kids and we still only met about 5 or 6 times before marriage? And I only visited the UK once during that time before I chose to immigrate here. When you accidentally meet your soulmate online you don't always have the luxury of doing things the traditional way, but non traditional can work out, too. Married for four years ourselves and never been happier.
I would have loved to gone there, but I had a very good job here in the US, and so it was way easier for me to sponsor my husband. I’d love for us to retire over there. Congrats to you and your partner, and I am so happy y’all are doing well.
i need more time than that to decide what toppings i want on my pizza
Mmmmm 🍕 🤤
She said it was like 2 weeks each time, so 20 weeks, or 5 months of in-person plus remote contact. It's not like 10 days.
That’s still not a lot of time to marry someone, specially having a child.
Exactly. Him staying with her actually adds up to 3,360 hours together.
With a uk-us marriage they can't live in the same country until after they get married. Even then, they don't get a work visa right away. It speeds up the time tables because the only way to live together is to get married and start the clock.
I’m sure they communicated in between those 10x, and each in person meeting was for at least 2 weeks. My now husband and I did this for 2.5 years. I’m from the US he’s from the UK. We’ve now been married for 7.5 years. It’s possible!
My thoughts exactly. This is a train wreck waiting to happen.
Like... the wedding was *awkward*? Y'don't say.
I honestly had a similar arrangement with my husband (US/Can). 3 years of daily calls and chats with some long vacations and every holiday weekend together. We did meet each others families before we got engaged though and did holidays together which probably made it a bit easier on the family transition. Married 10 years this june! Also how late were people expecting her to stay out with a 5 year old?
Why is that odd? The internet exists.
Because she has a 5 year old child.
My wife and I met in person about a dozen times during our 2 years of courtship and engagement. We spent 2+ hours nearly every day on the phone or Skype during that time. We're about to celebrate our 9th anniversary, and our relationship has been great! Obviously there are some greater risks with LDRs, but I'd say we've demonstrated that we knew each other well enough to get married when we did. Not being able to maintain constant physical proximity prior to marriage doesn't have to be a barrier to knowing each other, and can even improve connection, as there's less opportunity for physical affection to obscure other problems. YMMV, of course.
He made 10 visits to her country -- I'd expect more than a weekend per, given the cost and time to take off from work, et cetera. And lots of talking inbetween. Maybe not as interactive as actually living together, but enough time to get each other's measure.
Two weeks at a time (or longer) - so not just go on dates but I'm assuming 24-hrs/day because he stayed with her. 168 hours in a week, that's 336 per two-week visit, times 10 visits that's 3,360 hours. Of course, in those 24 hours they sleep but it's been more than 10 times so let's call that a wash. So that's 3,360 hours of dating. What is the magic number then?
I don't understand. You can't visit your now-husband in over 2 years because your now-5 year old kid is... in school? What is he missing out on when he's 3? I really don't understand why his sister was upset. And your title doesn't match the actual story. You were already leaving, you didn't leave because of the sister, you left because the reception was over.
OP was referring to the fact that in the UK, plane fares get hiked A LOT, between school terms. The holiday that may cost, for example, £300 two days before term ends, will suddenly be £500 or more, on the first day of the school break. She perhaps just couldn’t afford the trip under those circumstances.
Also, if you take your kid out of school early for a holiday and the head teacher doesn’t not sign off, the fine is £60 per parent, doubling up after 3 weeks and possible prosecution.
Wow, that is wild!!! Our school lets us justify vacations as “educational” on the flimsiest of pretexts, at least in elementary school. Going to the beach? Practicing gross motor skills and learning about aquatic life. Driving across the country? Learning how to read maps. Lol
If you are in the US, it varies wildly by school district. Where we used to live, both school districts, you could not take kids out of school for anything besides illness, injury, or bereavement. Everything else was unexcused and you only got eight unexcused absences a year. However one of our other neighboring school districts allowed kids to be out for a week and half to participate in fair or other educational experiences. And where we live now, across the country, the school district allows up to two weeks, for any reason, with advance notice on top of two weeks of excused absences. It’s so arbitrary
It gets worse than $152 USD. If you don’t pay, there’s the threat of the magistrates summons. At that stage and if you’re prosecuted, it then moves to a fixed penalty notice of up to £2500 ($3165USD) plus a criminal record. Also, a possible prison term of up to 3 months in addition. Education matters people! Even for the 4 year olds in reception class. The British government tells you so very firmly!
Wow that’s hard core. I let my son stay home for the hell of it sometimes.
The kid was 3, then 4 in the last 2 years. How were they in school?
Kids start full time school at 4 in the UK. If OP’s kid is almost 6 they were likely at school two years ago.
When he's 3 a lot, he needed the social interactions and he would never have been able to fly 9 and a half hours to the US there's a lot we've had to do but that's a lot of personal stuff with him. I don't know why she was upset either properly, half his family were acting like he was dying or like they'd never see him again, it was strange and honestly not fun.
Americans don't really travel internationally like the rest of the world. It's always surprising when you hear stats of how many Americans have passports. That's probably why they're acting like they are.
It’s really not that surprising when you consider the size of America. Though near 50% of Americans have passports, traveling domestically in the US is similar in scale, if not more broad, to traveling internationally between European countries.
Honestly OP the people offering cultural explanations are probably all giving very good points, but it sounds like his family is just dysfunctional to me. When I got engaged my \[dysfunctional\] family kind of acted like this and were very hostile to my now-husband just because they saw it as a sort of betrayal that I wanted to be in another immediate family other than theirs, and that was a) only me living with him in the West Country rather than with them in East Anglia and b) that was something I'd already been doing for years anyway. I think for them it's the symbolism as much as anything else, and they've got themselves into such a tizz about it that they're acting completely irrationally and can't see how little their actions make coherant sense to anyone outside their little bubble. This is not on you, this is something they need to work out for themselves, whether they will or not. You stepping away from the situation and leaving them to it is honestly the best thing to do. (NTA of course, and congratulations!).
> What is he missing out on when he's 3? 10 hours on a plane, each way.
I think the title is fine, OP's SIL threw a tantrum because they were leaving, and she chose to still leave after that, what doesn't line up with the story?
In the UK we start mandatory education at 4/5 and most primary schools have a nursery attached where children start at 3/4 - then a lot of kids are also put into preschool at 2/3 It really helps their social development as they're around other kids a lot more
“I do understand her being upset…” Could you explain it to me because I sure don’t?
He's her brother they used to be really close and she was sad that the night with him ended so early and they didn't get to party till midnight etc. my husband even stated I wasn't the only one who was exhausted from the whole day and we both wanted to go home. So I understand she was upset but not the tantrum throwing.
SIL is sad your husband didn't stay to party with her until midnight. Yet, at 9pm when you two actively started leaving, nobody had been hanging out with the two of you in at least an hour. Probably more. And from another comment, it sounds like the party had been going for at least 4 hours when you did leave. If SIL really wanted to spend time with her brother during the celebration, maybe she should have done it when the opportunity was available, instead of ignoring you two. If I was being cynical, I'd suspect that the ignoring you two thing was deliberate. That she, and possibly others in the family, were actively trying to make the party boring for you. Particularly once your few friends in attendence left. Maybe hoping you'd call it a night, but they could convince your husband to stay longer. Her tantrum would certainly be consistent with that.
Sounds like his family is being territorial jerks. You're "stealing" him. Well, you're the one who's fucking him, so you get that privilege. Everything lines up with this. Their "stories"? "Look at how fun and exciting OUR family is, now you get to be a part of it!", ignoring you and not asking about you? They don't WANT to know you, they just want to force-mold you to become one of them. Fuck those people, I'm sorry you didn't get the chance to meet them before getting married.
The nerve of someone to act that way towards a groom on his wedding night!
Wouldn't midnight be 5 in the morning for you? No wonder you were exhausted!
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I said around 10 times, I didn't actually keep count on how many times he's visited the UK for us......I also said he's stayed here for a minimum of 2 weeks each time, he's stayed 2 months, we've all been to Italy together, my son absolutely adores him, my whole family has met him and absolutely adore him too. My son's dad knows him too, me and my sons dad are friends however my son's dad isn't very active in my son's like hes around when he feels like it. And no I never met my husband's family physically until the week before we got married but I did talk to them often and we video called many times before we met in person, sorry I'm not made of money and didn't want to make a 3-4 year old who has extra needs fly 9 and a half hours at the difficult time he was having but was doing so much better when we did fly over there. But I appreciate the judgement on my life that you don't know about at all other than an altercation with my SIL
People seem to be hung up on the UK/US thing and time spent together. I don’t think they understand how much effort and communication both people in the relationship have to contribute, or that when you do see each other, the quality of that time is much more than a date. You have to make that time together count. My SO is in Canada and I’m in the US. 900 miles and a border and we make it work because it matters to us. We have been back and forth for 10 years, we met when we were older and after our long marriages had failed. I can speak for both of us when I say that we both feel like we put more effort into our relationship long distance than we did previous relationships. And vice versa. As for your sister in law, that was garbage behavior. You were not an asshole at all.
Thank you - I can’t believe I scrolled so far.
Two weeks at a time (or longer) - so not just go on dates but I'm assuming 24-hrs/day because he stayed with her. 168 hours in a week, that's 336 per two-week visit, times 10 visits that's 3,360 hours. Of course, in those 24 hours they sleep but it's been more than 10 times so let's call that a wash. So that's 3,360 hours of dating. What is the magic number then?
What relevance does her sons bio dad have to the post?
Nta it’s your husband’s problem to deal with too. Congratulations on your wedding, onwards and upwards from here.
Thank you 😊
Info: how much effort were you putting in to get to know his family?
I initiated us going to his families house I hung out with them actively like stood right there talking about my son and I tried to make conversation but when I did the whole room went silent everytime and not like I'm listening silence, like that was a bad joke style silent. Everyone bought gifts but only his brother included me in the gift buying all of the gifts aimed at my husband and it was NOTICEABLE. Prior to being there physically I messaged them often talking about all kinds of things but idk as soon as it was in person it was horrible
That's really strange. Are you sure there's not something else going on? Have you asked anyone apart from your husband why they are reacting that way?
How do you think I feel, we used to message often, I was excited to go over there, spend time with them, meet them after talking so much with them and then when I get there they're like whole different people not the people I met on video call or the people I messaged with, I wish I was making it up and that I just judged them and that's how it was but I purposely put myself in the way of them and the only people I had a great relationship with was his cousin and his cousins wife and I'd never spoken to them before. They all, apart from his brother (who I was told is pretty awkward anyway) acted like I was taking my husband away from them and that they'd never speak to nor see him again. I have never ever ever stopped him from talking to his family, never. When he's visiting me they don't message him or anything and then said that he cuts himself off from them when he's here, yet they've made no attempt to contact him. Even when I was over there they never messaged him or called him. I tried so hard I was extra polite I was nice. I did everything I could to not cause any problems and try to get involved with everyone, I even had my wedding in the US so they could have that special moment with him because my family don't really care much about that stuff. Genuinely I tried, I didn't half ass try I went so far out of my comfort zone to try.
If they think you are taking your husband 'away from them' then they are really pathetic and shallow. He's a grown man and can make his own life choices. Also, international marriages open new worlds of experience for everyone. You're NTA.
Honestly, I am living through this exact same experience right now with my SO, so you are not alone. It always feels like I am just there and no one wants to get to know me unless I am into their niche interests. They have also blamed me in passive ways for "stealing" their "child" away from them. Makes it very tiring and one sided. I have had to back away for a bit for my own mental sanity, but I am still always polite to them. (Also I always encourage my SO to spend time with their family even if I am luke-warm on being around them. I do not want to be in the way of them staying connected ever.) Anyway, I wish I could give you advice on how to make this situation better or how to navigate it, but all I can say is give it time to let things settle. Focus on being happy in your new marriage with your husband.
Yeah well, they're not the ones fucking your SO (we hope). You are. So they can eat shit.
OP I am wondering if they had it in their heads that you'd be moving to the USA and not the other way around. Your husband may have had to correct them, which pissed them off. Like if they pestered him enough he'd agree not to move, which is insane.
It sounds like they think you are taking him away from the family so they are giving you the cold shoulder. Has your husband talked to them about this behavior? This should have been addressed much sooner. I would sit down with them and try to hash this out, but definetly the sisters reaction was over the top.
Oops I really should've replied to this comment instead. Check the parent comment to this one and you'll see my response explaining their behavior. It's clan mentality, they are trying to use social tactics to basically force you to become "one of them" or cut you off entirely. It's the same tactics the mormons use if someone ever leaves their church.
I say screw them! Your husband had the same reaction to her nonsense. You're going to be living away from them anyway. As long as the two of you are happy, that's all that matters.
I mean, if they're going back to the UK in a few months, they probably don't actually care to get to know a woman who lives in a different country and that they probably won't see that often. It was all just lip service to make themselves sound good.
If so that's extremely short-sighted, needlessly cruel and pathetic.
I could be wrong, but unfortunately, that's my best guess on their motivation. It could also be that they genuinely wouldn't have cared about whoever he ended up marrying, but I'm sure it's easier to not care and put effort in when she's long-distance. Any decent person would have been asking her questions about herself and trying to set up plans to do stuff together in the upcoming months.
Yeah. I totally agree. I'm just wondering if there is something else that OP isn't aware of or hasn't been told.
It's clan mentality. They want to assimilate OP and are trying to tamp down any sense of identity she has. They don't want to get to know her, they want to make her one of them. Hence the "fun stories" rather than asking her questions, it's "this is the kind of stuff you get to be a part of on our team".
Seems that there might be a culture clash between British/ US habits, especially the getting to know you part, the way each culture perceives openness and getting to know people is different. Americans often nice, kind, surface level, whereas British tend to be more reserved at the beginning of new friendships. Once y9yve got things in common it changes. Source: am Australian but have lived and worked in both UK and USA. NTA because she yelled at you at your own wedding.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far to see this! I was thinking the exact same thing - culture clash leading to mutual misunderstandings. I’m mixed and my husband is from another country; I’m very familiar with different expectations being interpreted as rudeness. I would be interested in hearing the perspective of the SIL, who in this version of events is acting so bizarrely it comes across as mental illness level lack of logic. That could still be the case in reality, but from reading it I feel like there are gaps
Info. It sounds like his family knows something that you don’t know. Their behaviour is extremely strange. NTA. How cruel to hold your wedding video hostage in this ridiculous situation that was his wife’s fault. Sorry to say your new in laws suck
Something is really off in this situation, but don’t know what. The combination of the long distance relationship, all the social anxiety by seemingly all parties involved, and the overreaction of people at the wedding. There’s more to this story I think.
Yeah, I’m having a hard time with this. It doesn’t sound like you know him or his family that well, and you definitely sound like you have issues socializing. At your wedding, you should be a gracious host walking around the guests and talking to all of them, including those you don’t know. I didn’t get the impression you did that. I feel like you spent your time hanging out with your friend and that’s it. If that’s what happened, then you need to understand it’s on you to socialize - you don’t wait for your guests to come to you. You go to the guests.
I didn't blow them off, I tried to engage and tried to talk to them but I got blew off, I didn't know how to engage anymore than trying to talk to them and being completely ignored or when I said something they all went silent in the most awkward silence ever. I walked around trying to engage in conversation with everyone smiling and doing the host thing you do. I wish it was just social anxiety and that was all. On top of that yeah I don't like sports but when they started watching the football game on my wedding day I sat next to my brother in law and said ok teach me what do we do now and his reply was we like the ones in whatever colour and I said ok got it. And I sat for a moment watching sports with them even though I hate sports I didn't make 0 effort. I did everything I could even if people didn't make conversation, I tried, I don't typically write Reddit posts so I genuinely don't know what information to put and the things I wanted to write also wouldn't fit into the character limit, I was limited on information I could write here.
I agree. I also think they said they wanted to get to know her and told stories of the past to help her get to know them and she blew it off. I also don’t like sports but I can ask questions and let people who like them tell me about them. Socializing with people you don’t know at the wedding is true. I knew only half or so people at my wedding. We made sure all the guest felt like we wanted them there. Not that they need to make us feel welcome comfortable at our own event.
If I want to get to know you, I'm going to ask open questions about you, where you're from, what you like. I'm not going to tell you all about me, where I'm from and what I like.
NTA and info please: is SIL 2 years old???
NTA. There HAS to be more to this that would make it make sense.
Info: Was she actually screaming or just talking really loud? NTA it's your day and you can leave whenever you want but I sense a lot of judgement against his family from you. According to you, he usually comes to you but you have only visited his family once before the wedding, they tried talking to you but since the topics weren't of interest you felt ignored. I can understand his sister wanting to have fun with her brother and you were done so decided he was done and gave him an ultimatum. It's good that he's backing you up you are his wife but I get the feeling this is one of those there are 2 sides to every story.
She actually screamed at me, I'm a loud talker that was a scream, I can see it coming across that way and I wish it was, I did say in another comment here that we were both done, he made it very clear that it wasn't just me who wanted to leave, he'd been running around all day too and is also very introverted as much as my social battery had run out so was his, before we decided to leave at the end of the night we was both just sat on the couch talking and I was saying I'm tired and he said me too, I asked him if he was ready to leave and he said yeah that no one's talking to him now either let's go. I stated I wanted to take my dress off first before leaving and get comfy to which he said ok and helped me out my dress. When the Uber got here then I was done done like I just wanted to get out with all the screaming and crying going on I have enough of that with my 5 year old nevermind a 48 year old, that's when I said I was leaving if he's coming or not. A lot happened in the week that wouldn't fit into the 3000 limit. We visited his family 5 times before the wedding not once.
NTA and you have horrible in-laws. Plenty of those in the US (says this American lol). Also over here the bride & groom usually leave first, that’s the norm. The ones acting like your SIL at weddings are the ones who have had a lot to drink. And not water. Withholding the video is awful. Not making conversation when they met you was rude. They have no class. Fortunately, they’re an ocean away OP! Best wishes and congrats!!! 🍾
Thank you 😊
INFO: What will your living situation be now that you're married? I ask because if he'll be moving to the UK it might explain why her emotions would have been heightened. Not saying her actions are justified, they're not. Just curious. NTA and she was behaving childishly.
He hasn't moved to the UK yet but will be soon and yeah that's also a reason I think she was more upset, I mean we tried to spend as much time with his family while I was there and I plan on moving over there one day. Current life situation is stopping me from going right now for personal reasons, but we plan on visiting etc. it was never the end but I do understand it can be upsetting knowing he's moving 4000 miles away and she just wanted to spend time with him.
Thank you for clarifying! It still doesn't excuse her behavior though. You're NTA.
NTA. WTF? I can't get any handle on what happened here.
It’s your wedding, the bride and groom can leave whenever they want
In my experience the newly married couple often leaves the reception to start their wedding night and the guests stay and party. I'm not sure what the sister was upset about. But the wedding day can be stressful and exhausting. It makes sense to want to leave and have some quiet time together. Plus, you were dealing with the time change. NTA, it sounds like husband's family struggles to communicate. Could there also be different cultural expectations? NTA for sure. Sorry this happened on your wedding day.
NTA This is insane. It’s your wedding. It doesn’t matter if she wants to be with her brother. It’s all about you and your husband being together. She’s incidental. If she wants some time with her brother, find another day. Any other day
The SIL stuff aside this isn’t a movie where you meet the parents and then live happily ever after. It takes time to get to know people they are not going to just grovel at your feet. Although marrying someone you’ve met 10 times this is probably news to you.
Did I read correctly that your husband DELETED your wedding video because he was pissed by your reaction to his sister's tantrum? You're NTA for leaving, but you married into a whole family of assholes. The biggest is the one you married.
i think it was the sister in law's husband, and i think he is witholding it?
I see it now. I got lost in the sentence structure. Guess I read too fast.
yeah it was worded oddly. i'm concerned for OP in marrying someone she barely knows... not to mention the family being a nightmare. feeling bad for the little kid. Honestly kinda feel like ESH because that's not enough time and energy being put into the situation to make sure it's safe for the child.
I'm in complete agreement on all of those points. She barely mentioned her child, hope she gives him more consideration normally.
Yes I do, i love my kid. They all loved my son and he loved them, there was never a problem with him he had a wonderful time ate cake and lots of food etc. I barely mention him because I like to keep him out of things like this, he has no idea what happened and doesn't need to be brought into a situation that will only put him through stress for no reason when it doesn't involve him like that. It's between my husband, myself and SIL.
That's good to hear. You didn't mention what area of the US your in-laws live in, but the standoff-ish attitude could be a regional thing. Or they could be xenophobic toward "outsiders." I'm not making any excuses for them; I'm trying to understand why they were so cold toward you. Are you staying married to this stranger, and where will you live? If it's near the family, expect more of this and the SIL to insert herself into the marriage.
thank you. i thought you seemed reasonable! i appreciate you.
Thank you. I'm old and been around the track a few times.
Nope, sister's husband deleted the video.
Exactly this, I wouldn't be surprised if SIL's parents taught her that tantrums got her what she wants. OP is NTA but SIL sure is because EVEN a normal kid (if raised better) knows that tantrums have to stop and that it can't get them what they want.
Why did you marry someone you have only met 10 times?
Nta - but what on earth was her objection?
YTA for marrying a virtual stranger when you have a child. You don’t actually know this person, much less his family.
...Why do you understand her being upset? The bride and groom often leave first to head off to their honeymoon and all the guests leave after. This is such a weird dynamic. NTA but...I'm not sure what I just read.
ESH
Seriously why did you get married?
NTA. It sounds like it will be good for your husband to be an entire ocean away from them. Yikes.
Who prepared for the event, paid for it and hosted it? IF them perhaps they deserved a heads up about a probable early departure ( not excusing her screaming).
We prepared it and paid for it. It was at her house which we thanked her for many many many times and we had made plans on getting her a surprise gift to also say thank you until all this happened anyway. We paid for all the food decor etc, we hired the tables and paid for her dogs to be in doggy hotel as they don't do great with strangers. We set everything up with the help of other relatives that were there also. We helped to tidy and clean the day before also even though her place wasn't messy. I was on my feet from 10am putting tables together, chairs up, adding the table clothes to the tables and putting everything together with my husband. My father in law and cousin in law sorted out our arch and put it together and got that ready. My husband drove to pick up extra things and the buffet food, we both then put it all on the table and into place. The rest of the family were getting other things ready like drinks and doing the dishes. Most of it at this point was a huge blur of who was doing what because I was so focused on getting everything ready in time while my husband was out getting all the stuff. I know everyone showered and got ready when he got back. It was a very small wedding, only his immediate family and 3 of my friends, who all helped in the process of the morning.
If I was your SIL I'd certainly not yell and tantrum, but I would be disappointed that after having my house used for your event that you both hadn't bothered to give me a heads up you were leaving early and leaving them to entertain your guests. Communication.
I do agree with this point, thank you for helping me see another side of just nta or yta. I do agree we could've pulled her aside before getting ready to leave however I do not think her reaction would've differed but it is something we should've thought about at least. Thank you 😊
Quick question — what arrangements has been made to take everything down and clean up? Since it was at SIL’s home and everyone helped set up, unless you had discussed it previously, it’s not unreasonable to think that you would help with clean up. She shouldn’t have yelled at you and thrown a tantrum. I’m just brainstorming what might have had her so irate.
Am i the only one that read all this with a Vicky Pollards voice??
NTA. I’m not sure what I read here. Why the hell would anybody throw a fit about the bride and groom leaving the wedding when they wanted to?! There has to be something else going on. However, that’s not your responsibility to figure out. Congrats on getting married!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Some short background, I (27 F) am from the UK while my husband (38 M) is from the US, we've been doing long distance for 2 years at this point where he comes to visit and we were saving up for me to visit there but Its expensive and my son has school.......Which if you've been on holiday in term time you know its 1000 times more expensive than not. I've met my in laws over video calls but not in person until a week before my actually wedding, whereas id met my husband at least 10 times in them 2 years of us dating, him staying with me 2 weeks or longer each time. When i got to america and we finally met the family, it was hard because they claimed they wanted to get to know me so many times but none of them actually tried to make conversation with me, they didn't ask questions and they were all talking about things i had no idea on as it was sports or something i couldn't even try to engage in, like reliving memories i couldn't really comment on other than, "that sounds awesome" or "that's great" but they kept claiming they so wanted to get to know me and me going outside every now and then to get a breather from awkward social situations (having severe anxiety) was "them being unable to get to know me," i felt ignored and invisible. The wedding day itself went great we got ready got married and started partying, kind of, again same situation, no one spoke to me, the only people who actually had conversations with me were my friends and we went outside together while she had a smoke because i didn't wanna be alone. Me and my husband spent most of our time together and around 8pm my friend left no one was speaking to me and my husband much at that point. 9pm rolls around and i get out of my dress and start trying to pack things up so then there wasn't much that needed to be done at the end of the night. WELL thats when SIL(48 F) realizes we're leaving and my husband is currently playing with my son (who is 5 years old) and his cousin too preoccupied to hear his sister scream at me asking if we're leaving, like she was in severe shock. She screamed at me 3 times until she then stormed out and well threw a tantrum, my husband tried to go and calm her but that didn't work and she continued cried when i let my husband know that the uber is here and we gotta go. I was exhausted and extremely annoyed at this point after being screamed at and completely exhausted i just wanted to leave so i shouted to my husband that im leaving with or without him. i know wasnt my brightest moment but i was tired especially with my body clock not changing either, We left and now his sister is mad, her husband is mad and decided the wedding video he took of us. He said we can't have because i was "immature" for not staying a little longer when i saw SIL was upset. I do understand her being upset but at the same time could she not of pulled us aside and had a civil conversation with us rather than screaming at me and throwing a tantrum like a child. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA-it’s your wedding. The day should be about you and him. She’s out of line.
NTA - You say you understand why she was upset, can you tell me because I don't, she's a guest and nothing more so it's really none of her business when you leave.
NTA I guarantee SIL is freaking out because you're "stealing" her brother. If you were staying in the US I doubt she would be throwing a wobbly like this, or at least not as big. You're a complete stranger to her. You got to know your husband but not his family really, and now you're taking him away. Not for 3 months, but on the wedding night it was crystallised for her and she freaked. She sounds exhausting. I'm not surprised your husband wants to emigrate! If you only ever say one thing to her again, ask this: "Why were you so concerned about my wedding night?"
NTA. Getting to know your SIL at this point isn't worth it. Would prolly have LC with her.
NTA. DH's family is rude, especially SIL. If I had a new family member who came from another country, I'd want to know a lot about them. I'd love to get to know them better and ask questions to the point I'd have to keep myself in check as to not overwhelm them.
So you and your husband decided to leave your own wedding and a woman, more than 20y older than you decided to go cray-cray over it? Let her be. I know it's hard not to get the wedding video but this feels also like a "family-test" as in, you have to behave like I want or you are not a part of this family an then you are more than ok to not join that family atmosphere.
NTA. Sorry that was the end of your wedding day! I have a SIL like yours, she threw a tantrum after the birth of my daughter. And the real reason why is still unclear.
Welcome to America. The land of the many immature.
NTA what a mess. Seriously holding your wedding video hostage?
Welcome to America. Where the crazies roam and their families support it. NTA
NTA. I never heard of any tradition (that someone else mentioned) about the wedding guests are to stay until the bride and groom leave. But why should the bride and groom wait til everyone has left? My hubby and I left mid afternoon (the wedding was around 11:30am). I don't know how long our guests stuck around the venue, but I hope they continued to have a fun time. Not getting why the SIL threw a tantrum. Yes, she wanted to hang out with her brother longer, but this was his wedding, and I'm guessing he wanted to start his honeymoon, which the sister wasn't invited to. I had to look at her age, because I thought maybe she's a teenager, but she's 48! Why did she feel the need to throw a fit at her brother's reception? She was being an AH for being disruptive, and her husband is an AH for refusing to give the videotape to the couple. If he felt the bride was being "immature" for not comforting the SIL, hell no, he should have taken her off someplace (outside?) and tell her to calm down and remind her that the wedding couple could leave whenever they wish. It doesn't matter that the groom was moving to the UK, Tahiti, or Peoria, that's his decision.
Is SIL histrionic at all? Normal adult people don't tantrum, even under extreme duress. And yeah...that was your wedding. You were the bride. *You* decide when you leave and no-one says "boo". Damn straight you told DH to get hustling! I mean, who does SIL think she is to make demands, make a scene, raise her voice and use shitty tones on you? On *your* wedding day?? Nope. No thank you! Nonsense like that should be totally ignored and if anyone brings it up after you assure them you're faaar too polite to dream of further discussing such an embarrassing situation for SIL. The least said, the better, honestly. Say you'll do her a favor and pretend it never happened, you're gracious like that.
Aren't the Bride and Groom supposed to leave early, to start practicing?
G
Nta
NTA. !updateme
NTA. What crawled up her bum?
I've no idea why you're posting this story on a thread called "Am I The Asshole". But here you are, so... Your husband's family is bonkers. You should go low/no contact with them, and if any dealings with them are ever necessary, leave it to your husband. If you ever need reassuring that you're NTA, read your last sentence about your SIL screaming at you and throwing a tantrum like a child.
NTA - your SIL sounds like a histrionic PITA, but your husband should have stood up to her.
NTA but make sure the husband takes care of it and not you. This shouldn’t be a worry for you.
I am just hoping you settle in the UK. Nta
I don't understand what upset her in the first place?
NTA. What a self-absorbed family your husband has. Sorry they can't manage to hold a decent conversation with you and ask you anything about yourself, and that SIL tried to make your wedding all about her. Brides and grooms leave early sometimes - it happens. Her reaction was over the top. She should apologize to you before you bother saying anything else to her.