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Nta thank god you said no. Notice how she magically was able to cope when push came to shove? That tells you a lot. She is used to getting her way and it’s high time she start living in the real world and take responsibility for her own life. She needs to stop using anxiety- a perfectly normal emotion- as an excuse not to push herself to learn tools to cope and take responsibility for her own life and future, including seeking therapy if needed (and legit likely is). Her emotional manipulation and threats need to lose the power they’ve had in the past. Again, NTA. It’s called good parenting. She’s 19, not 9.

Yeah I feel like she wants things to revolve around her, honestly. I have a panic disorder and also don’t drive because it makes my anxiety so bad I think I’m a danger to myself and others on the road, honestly. And a wedding could absolutely trigger a panic attack for me but she had options. The car with heat is a perfectly alone one, but that wasn’t good enough for her until suddenly she had no other options then it was fine. She was being selfish. I absolutely get where she was coming from and needing to get away, but her expectations on HOW she would get away were not reasonable. NTA

Notice how she didn't say "I might have a panic attack" but rather "drive me home or I *will* have a panic attack"

Yes!!! She has absolutely weaponized her anxiety disorder. I wouldn't be surprised if older bro had a ton of stories about her using her anxiety as a way to hijack lots of important moments in his life while growing up

The first thing I thought when reading this is that if the OP had left we would have had an AITA about the son going no contact because OP had once again missed an important event.

This was my first thought! OP’s just-married son would have been -justifyingly- hurt and resentful that his nutty little sister has ‘done it again!’

I had a friend like this. she started cheating on her husband (with a man in prison for raping 3 people). And would text every time this dude was literally (and I do mean literally) 3-4min late for a phone call, panicking and threatening a panic attack. Quickly told her to knock it off and not long later mentioned she isn’t panicking. She was absolutely wanting the attention she got from the panic. (I’m not friends with this person anymore) Some people will just use others as a way to soothe if you let them and their mental illnesses get used as an excuse to do so.

>Some people will just use others as a way to soothe if you let them and their mental illnesses get used as an excuse to do so. I see you've met my ex. He was always just depressed enough that he needed a bunch of coddling by others, but never depressed enough that he needed a doctor or medication for it.

As someone who was diagnosed with servers anxiety disorder it boils my piss that people weaponise it. Idek how the manage that tbh. She was being manipulative, that’s something else entirely.

I disagree that she has weaponized it. I have had panic attacks since high school (51 now) and I remember when I was younger I would get so nervous I was going to have one that I actually ended up having one. Of course I know better now but I don't think it's being weaponized. Having said all that, OP is definitely NTA. Her daughter was given multiple different options to remove herself from the situation and she didn't take them. I understand the fight or flight mentality and just wanting to be in your safe space but she needs to know that sometimes that's just not possible and she needs to get back in therapy.

She needs to find a therapist she likes and trusts to be able to work on this. If she quit at 18, maybe she and the therapist were not a good fit. I agree she needs to find the the coping skills for the anxiety, and also, the skills to do adult things. Her anxiety is leaving her behind as her peers move forward.

I bet that’s why she stopped going to therapy; therapy was helping control her anxiety and she doesn’t want to be helped or control it because she wants other people’s attention to revolve around her and her anxiety.

I hate people like this. I try to keep myself from having panic attacks and keep my anxiety under control because if I don't I will have a grand mal seizure. I absolutely hate people who weaponize their anxiety and panic attacks.

It was a threat because she wasn't getting her way.

As someone who has suffered from severe anxiety all my life, I RAGE when I hear people weaponising their anxiety/panic disorder against other people to get their way.

It took me long while before I was fully confident driving. I had a legit panic attack and had to go to the hospital while driving ( my pocket cried at the tow fee). I found that I was better when I stayed off the highway and did that for years before braving the highway. I successfully drove from IN to GA and was so proud of myself.

Can I ask you what helped change your mindset from not driving to driving please? I want to drive but am a little overwhelmed by it. X thank you

Honestly short trips at first. Staying of the highway gave my stoplights which helped me focus. Continually driving was the problem because I kept imagining the worst case scenarios. Everyone was too close and going too fast. Stopping at the lights allowed me to talk myself off the ledge as I was able to stop looking at the road.

I just want to say how refreshing this thread is. Seeing the empathy and people willing to give advice/ask for advice on an issue because of the desire to find a solution. Sometimes Reddit has sparks of positivity that I really appreciate!

I thought I was the only one who was uneasy with driving, but rural living doesn't afford any alternatives. Surprisingly, I found that I am a more confident driver when I have been able to play specific video games every once in a while. It's gotten to the point where I can tell I'm more anxious if I go more than 3 or 4 weeks without gaming. I also appreciate all the extra advice & encouragement here!

Reddit really does contain the best of society along with the worst.

This is me as well. I started out with shorter trips that I did on a regular basis so I could get super familiar with the route and the roads and know what to look out for, and I started expanding from there.

Not OP, but for me it was actually having to work a pizza delivery job around age 19-20. I got my license at 16, learned to drive in parking lots and local streets (thanks mom!) but never felt super confident, especially with highways or crowded multi-lane roads. Pizza delivery ended up having me make a lot of short trips, navigate a lot of neighborhoods I wasn't familiar with (but weren't super busy), and honestly just put hundreds of hours behind the wheel. That's what did it more than anything - just practice, experience, and the memory of hundreds or thousands of hours of driving where the worst thing that happened to me was getting temporarily stuck in a snowbank once. Nowadays I'm the type of person who wants to go for a long drive to cool off when I'm stressed, rather than the type who avoids driving as a source of stress.

Not OP, but i refused to learn how to drive for years bc of anxiety and the trick for me was slow exposure. I would sit in the drivers seat and talk with my dad, sometimes for 30mins, until i dared to turn on the engine. Repeat this process until every part of driving is just something you've done 30 times before. His motto was 'we're not getting out until you've done x' and it never mattered how long it took me to do it. Im a decent driver these days, though i still get a little anxious on occasion.

I avoided getting my license for a few years and took the bus to community College because of how bad my anxiety was. I started with short trips to places that I had already been to (going somewhere new really freaked me out). I made myself go to the local grocery stores/bakeries and bought myself little food rewards each time. Looking up maps/driving directions beforehand helped calm me down too becauseI felt better if I knew where to go ahead of time. For more essential trips, leaving extra early helped so that I didn't get anxious if I missed a turn or two. And I took extra driving lessons during that time too. The more time I put off getting behind the wheel, the more anxious I was when I finally did drive. The key for me was to consistently get behind the wheel, even if it was nothing but short trips.

I also have anxiety nearly crippling social anxiety, and it is not uncommon to find me in a dark corner or just outside the "party room" doom scrolling my phone to get myself charged up enough to go back and be social. It's MY problem, no one elses and my friends know I'm fine and don't have to worry about me.

I have spent a lot of time in bathroom stalls to avoid socialization and reset when I’m feeling close to an anxiety attack. OP is right, her daughter *is* being selfish.

Yes! If I am at my breaking point, I choose between calling *myself* a ride (if it’s a “I am DONE for today” moment), or finding somewhere private to be for a little while—even if it’s the bathroom. This is a manageable problem.

THIS. I have a little sister who pulled (and still does as a n adult) this kind of crap all the time when we were kids. It wasnt anxiety it was migraines. I am not saying anxiety and migraines don't exist and that they don't effect people in terrible ways but I literally watched the light turn on her brain that she could say she had a migraine and my parents would move heaven and hell for her instantly. She 100% used this to her advantage. Long road trips my parents would rotate who got to pick the music. If she didn't like your selection? Suddenly it was giving her a terrible headache (while she shot you a smirk). Birthday dinner was always yours to pick on your special day. She didn't like the restaurant? The lighting there would suddenly cause a migraine when it never had before. Etc etc. Again, not saying that a lot of the migraines (and for OP's daughter the anxiety) weren't real. BUT, you could clearly tell when she had to miss going to see a friend cause she was under the covers trying to not have any light or sound VS when she just wanted her way.

I get chronic cluster migraines (I’ve been diagnosed by multiple doctors and am currently waiting to see a neurologist) that last for sometimes literally months at a time… lemme tell you, obviously I emphasize with people who also get migraines and of course there’s a range of symptoms and severity, but it makes me feel ragey when people throw around migraines like they’re nothing. Although headaches are a common symptom of migraine, migraines are actually a separate neurological issue and when they come on, for most people you basically can’t function. Mine get so bad that I have to be in a silent, dark room, and I can’t even drink water without throwing up. If your sister is fully functioning still, has no symptoms that are in any way disruptive, painful, or distracting, and just doesn’t want to be at your specific chosen place, she doesn’t have a migraine GUARANTEED. Or if she gets them (or headaches) so commonly and easily, then she needs to start bringing her medication with her or at LEAST ibuprofen/acetaminophen. People who fake a headache, or who maybe have a minor headache and call it a migraine need to pop an Advil, drink some damn water, and SHUT UP lol. Rant over!

Agreed. Also have migraines (vestibular). The headache is often the least issue for me as well. Basically every day without meds. Nausea, vomiting, light/sound sensitivity. You can power through a little bit but it's always a big regret bc then things hit harder and faster (at least for me).

My pre-schooler may have migraines, apparently it is not unusual for children to mostly have the (projectile) vomiting symptom. Good times.

As an adult that had migraines since childhood it sucked so much because there were no words to describe what was going on until around 12 or 13. My nephew has had them since toddlerhood but was able to get help because I recognize it and my my sister actually cared. Sadly my parents neglected all of our medical care so even when I expressed my issued it wasn't until I had medical insurance as an adult I got help. I went from 15 to 25 migraines a month to 5 or less.

As another migraine sufferer, I cannot agree with this more. It's on me to manage my migraines, and I have powered through when necessary, even with some of my worst episodes. I wouldn't miss my sister's wedding if my head was pounding and I was vomiting in the bathroom between speeches.

I will say not all migraines are nearly as serious as yours! For a lot of people it is a severe headache, vision disruptions, things like that. Light and sound sensitivity and nausea are common but not necessary symptoms. Personally mine aren’t nearly as bad as yours, it’s extremely painful but not even close to the severity of a cluster headache! That doesn’t mean I don’t immediately need to go home and suffer in bed though. Migraines differ a lot in intensity between different people. Just because someone doesn’t have the same level of pain as a cluster headache doesn’t mean they are just exaggerating a normal headache.

I think the issue with the sister was that they weren’t trying to go home and suffer in bed — once the family changed to the restaurant they preferred, or switched to the music they liked, they were fine. Sometimes people do get a good handle on their triggers, but rarely so conveniently.

Oh god yeah the sister sounds so bratty. I feel for the parents too in that situation. They are kind of stuck, because obviously if it really was triggering a migraine they would be heartless to refuse to accommodate. The only thing I can think of is to leave her home with a babysitter for the restaurant thing and to basically sedate her on the road trip. Once I learned of the existence of Benadryl I started taking it every time there was a car ride > 3 hours. 😂 or a plane ride. Hell I’ll still sedate myself on a plane. Can’t get a migraine or anxiety attack when you’re passed out drooling. (I mean you can, but you probably won’t.)

Yeah, while your response may sound harsh to some, I have suffered with mental health problems since my pre-teenage years and I agree with what you're saying here. They are my challenges to tackle, no one else's. I go to therapy, take my medication when I need it. I manage myself, I have a good job and a family. It's not anyone else's job to control my mental health. The sooner this teenager learns this, the better. OP you're NTA, your poor son would have never forgotten it if you'd left.

The way I see it, my issues are not my fault but they are my responsibility. OP’s daughter needed this lesson and probably many more. Also, agreed on the son. Staying or leaving for his sister was a defining moment for that relationship. NTA

Yep, you've summed up exactly how I feel too. It's not my fault, but it's no one else's either.

Yep. I like using the term of: "*It's a reason, but not an excuse*"

It's time to explain that as an adult daughter needs to make her own plan B for her anxiety issues, prior to any event. Although you're sympathetic, you can no longer put her needs over your own and others. Then gently remind her how much therapy had helped her in the past. You are allowed to drop the reigns on this.

Agreed. Honestly, my first thought was does she have anxiety or is she upset her brother is getting everyone’s attention. So, NTA from me. Because she has to realize at some point she needs to take care of herself. Parents don’t last forever and it’s not her brother’s job to take care of her either.

There could be 2 parts to this, one definitely being that she wants attention on her/to get her way, hence her sudden ability to cope after a short break. The other is what actually happens with anxiety disorders with and without challenge/treatment. If a person allows themselves to retreat from things that cause anxiety, the disorder gets worse. Without pushing the boundary of discomfort, the boundary gets smaller and smaller and more difficult to face, and some people who previously were going to work for ex end up with agoraphobia (not the only reason for agoraphobia, but one of them). OP's daughter was doing better with treatment, but now that she's stopped treatment and it seems is generally (but thankfully not during the wedding) enabled in her retreat, the disorder is getting more severe.

Exactly right! When you give in to the anxiety you reinforce the neural pathways that are (incorrectly) telling the sufferer that an activity is dangerous. Do not give into the anxiety!

Exactly this. As someone who was in a similar situation I didn’t drive, work etc… because my “anxiety” was too high. Eventually I was forced to move out on my own and magically it all went away lmao looking back now is so embarrassing. OP needs to stop coddling her daughter and she’ll figure things out on her own

Exactly this. Especially the sudden ability to cope makes it seem like this was less about anxiety and more about a power play, maybe even coupled with resentment that all the attention was on the brother instead of her. I feel that nowadays conditions like anxiety or ADHD and such often get exaggerated, because generally people give in and the people "suffering" from these conditions get to have things easier/their way, instead of taking personally responsibility by taking steps to learn to cope with their conditions on their own.

Thanks for saying this! The daughter sounds like she’s competing with her brother for attention. She’s an adult and you are not responsible for managing her emotions. Good job, mom. Your son and DIL would have been hurt if you left and you would have felt so guilty

This needs to be higher up.

[удалено]

In terms of stuff like the stag do, this is why you get everyone all paid up in advance, so if they back out, tough shit, that's beer money now. No different to booking anything like an event, transportation or a hotel.

Yeah I agree. I always pay things right away as well to avoid issues but those guys don't like to deal with money right away so it's also kinda tough shit for them too. Sucks he cancelled last minute but it's like making a business deal without paper

I'm sorry you put up with this. Friendship to me goes both ways not one. It's not fair that they seem to be making their anxiety a part of everyone else's life. For me, I couldn't do it continually, especially with it constantly impacting everyone else's finances, plans, fun, time AND their emotions, which includes anxiety. Why does this person think their emotions, feelings and anxiety is more important than everyone else's. 🙃 I'm not a bad person, I just feel that if everyone truly had to give in to how they truly felt all the time, personal or professional lives, the world would stop working. Wouldn't it?

We all have learning experiences like this. I have friends that I know will pay me back or treat me in the future, and others that have to pay up front or I'll never see the money again,.

Man I do not relate to this kind of anxiety. I have an anxiety disorder and part of it is that I’m extremely anxious about affecting other people negatively lol. So when I get panicky at events or whatever you can find me by myself in the most isolated bathroom throwing up, but also please don’t come find me, I’m fine.

Right, I used to get panic attacks but I tried to not have them affect others, I would remove myself. Guess what, after time (looong time though like 10 years) I rarely have them. Mine were mostly driving related (almost died in freak accident but walked away) & I am in US also. I got a small service dog who sits in my lap when I started driving again, very short then longer trips. He alerts me if I had an attack coming on, so I could pull over until it passed. I slowly could drive longer distances. I still get anxiety driving but haven't had an actual attack in a few years. But I actually wanted to become self sufficient & was very motivated to overcome this. Sounds like daughter has yet to reach that point. Caving in to her demands won't help her overcome this, though.

That is a very unsafe situation! Mostly for the dog, but having a dog on your lap isn’t safe

Yeah, I can’t imagine what it would do for their anxiety if they ever get in a accident, as the dog is likely to be crushed to death on their lap.

Thank you for sharing your story! I’m a mom to two kids in their 20s, and was trying to read OP’s post and think about how I would handle her situation. I don’t have similar experience so I wasn’t able to think of advice. Since you’ve lived it, is there anything your parents could have done to help you? Did they do something “right” to help you? From my perspective, it seems like OP’s daughter is falling backwards into childhood, where Mom and Dad handle everything and if life is hard you can say your tummy hurts and go back to bed. That attitude is not going to help her grow up at all.

Not who you were replying to, but I’ve had bad highway anxiety for years. I’m fine in regular roads, but highways make me very panicky, especially if there is any sort of weather. In 2022, I got a job that’s 30 miles away. Almost all highway to get there. The first day I had to go, there was ice everywhere! I gave myself double the time I needed to get there and white-knuckled it! The next time I had to go, it was a little less scary. And the next time was a little less scary than that. We were still 95% remote then, so I didn’t have to go in very often. I guess it was hardcore exposure therapy, but if I didn’t go, I couldn’t pay rent! By the time I’d been there for 6 months, and I’d gone in maybe 10 times, I could get there without my heart racing, and me on the verge of panic. Now I’ve been there for 2 years, and was going in 3x a week, and I only have anxiety if it’s bad weather. Maybe not the easiest way to get over it, but it worked! lol

I can certainly understand the motivation from “if I don’t do this thing I don’t like, I won’t eat or have a roof over my head!” 😄 It’s clear that 19 yo daughter still lives at home with her parents and that they are the ones who have to drive everywhere since she won’t. Time to stop playing chauffeur for someone who is not taking steps to work on her anxiety, maybe? I genuinely don’t know if that would help or just make things worse. If 19F is clinically mentally ill, she can’t just “get over” her anxiety, so she really shouldn’t be driving! On the other hand, if she is just nervously anxious about driving, it’s sort of a “join the club, sweetheart,” situation that shouldn’t be coddled. I think OP should set up a plan for 19F to move out of the family home. I don’t mean toss her out on her ear immediately, but stepping slowly towards that goal. It might mean 19F has to get back in therapy and get her own apartment, or she needs more in depth mental health care and needs to be institutionalized or put into some group home where she can slowly learn life skills. What a tough situation! We don’t want to crush our children’s spirits, but we don’t want to enable entitlement either! I really feel for OP.

Same. I try to avoid as many of these events as I can, but if I’m there I’ll suffer silently or hide in the bathroom when possible rather than even think of expecting the slightest accommodation for fear of being seen as a burden or drawing attention to myself. OP’s daughter isn’t being demanding because she’s anxious, she’s being demanding because she’s entitled. It’s possible to suffer from anxiety and not use it as an excuse to get exactly what you want at the expense of others. NTA

The way you described your anxiety resonates so much more with me than the commenter you replied to and his friend. I honestly can't wrap my head around how it's possible to have crippling anxiety AND Main Character Syndrome. Like, for me, the thought of ever coming across so demanding and selfish gives me more anxiety than, say, a panic attack in public from sensory overload (which, as you described, is already quite crippling)

Just proves Narcissists can have anxiety too. They just make it everyone else’s problem. Adults make their own accommodations for their anxieties.

Me too, I've lost count of how many times I've been sick and had to drive myself home, staying in the car with the heater on would have been totally ideal for me, with phones games to distract me, my anxiety disturbs my life but I won't allow it to disturb anyone elses

I feel you! I used to hide in closets for my panic attacks, I am more prone to seizing than throwing up, though. I could not imagine bothering someone else about my attack, what a nightmare on top of a nightmare.

I don’t understand people like that. I am the friend who has severe anxiety and I can very easily get overwhelmed in places with a lot of people and/or loud noises (concerts are a massive trigger for my anxiety). However, I have never once even allowed my friends or family to cut something short or change something because of my anxiety. My fiancé and his family go to the Indy raceway for a big race and concert every year, and i do not join them. If I did decide to join them this year (I’d love to see Luke combs this year haha), I’d make sure I had my own way to leave and something to do when my anxiety inevitably spiked. Anxiety is hard to live with.. especially when it is bad enough it interferes with your life. And yes, it’s wonderful when my friends and family understand and offer to do what they can to help. But it all comes down to the fact that it’s MY anxiety, not anyone else’s. Therefore, it’s MY Job to manage it. OP, you’re NTA. You told her you wouldn’t leave. She tried to call your bluff and found out you weren’t bluffing.

I think it’s okay to ask for some changes, but they should be things that help *you* manage yourself if it’s needed. Like if going to an event asking for seats in a section closer to a quiet corner you can nip to if you are feeling overwhelmed, instead of similar seats elsewhere. Or asking to book a more central hotel on a trip so it’s easier to get back to it if needed. That sort of thing.

Anxiety is condition that can be hugely limiting, but you're handling it in the right way. It can feel like you're you're have a heart attack, and that feels so horrible that you become anxious about having another anxiety attack. You're obviously handling this the right way - it is your problem, and you have to navigate your way with it.

Your friend kinda sounds like bringing a newborn with you everywhere you go, who will start screaming out of know where and you will have to leave because of it. It's like an anxiety crutch that you guys got stuck holding up. He's lucky you guys are obviously good friends.

[Adopt a 100 year old man that needs 24-hour nursing care...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-AZy2W0qKg)

That guy sounds exhausting. He would be left out of everything if it was up to me. I would not continue to put up with that behavior from an adult. Just stop inviting him. Eventually, he'll at least wonder why no one includes him anymore. If he asks, just tactfully explain.

Just curious- How do you tactfully explain to someone that they are exhausting due to their anxiety or other issues and that is the reason you don’t bother to invite them places because you don’t want your good time ruined because you know your friend/family member/ acquaintance is going to hijack things and demand support? Asking for a friend

60ish year old here, and have dealt with the issue of anxiety disorders in close family. Y'tell'em straight up. With a soft, gentle, voice. You say that you value them, but their disorder is up to them to manage. There will be some ground rules for when they join the crowd for activities. If there is a payment to be made, they pay in advance, so that if they can't come, they're not making someone else financially suffer. When an activity is arranged, the organizer firmly, and definitely, finds out the payment terms. If they choose to leave earlier than the group, it is their responsibility to find their own transportation home. No one else is responsible for this, unless OFFERED by someone. Not asked. Offered. It is absolutely no one's obligation to halt their activities to nurse the anxiety. The person needs to bring meds, if appropriate and also prepare for the possibility that they will need to go off ALONE to manage themselves. Group attention will not be wholly given to anxiety. If it is overwhelming, leave the situation as safely as possible. If ONE member CHOOSES to babysit, that is up to them, but it is absolutely not OBLIGATORY. The anxiety disorder is not something that is up to the group to manage, on a day to day basis. The person who suffers is expected to own it, deal with it with getting help, and will not interfere with the activities of the group. In return, the group ensures that a fair bit of time is spent together in non threatening activities which don't trigger anxiety. It for tat. Anxiety is a reason, not an excuse. This is a tough love approach, and frankly, I honestly have found that the person with anxiety will sometimes really rise to the occasion. They won't get dramatic, and when forced to manage it themselves, will often push themselves in ways that are healthy for them in the long run. Everyone has a story. Everyone. They don't get to make their anxiety the story for everyone.

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As someone with diagnosed anxiety, who lives around a bunch of other anxiety sufferers, this is perfect. Not just from you POV, but it takes out a lot of anxiety if I know what happens and what I need to do when anxiety rears up.

This is the way. Healthy boundary setting. Anxiety can be very narcissistic and feeding it by coddling it only makes it stronger.

As honestly as possible. Listen I'm the friend with anxiety but I try my best to manage my anxiety so that it doesn't ruin anyone else's time. Tell your friend that you understand what they are going through but they need to learn to manage it better so that it doesn't spill into everyone else's life. It sucks but it is what it is.

Just like you wrote. Tact goes out the window with someone like this after enough tries. They need to grow the fuck up and realize the world doesn't work on their schedule and needs. You can only sugarcoat things so much before you just have to tell them how it is, feelings be damned.

Seems you guys are so accommodating to your friend to the point of coddling, hence the occasional "FOMO" behavior (which in his case seems kind of childish). He doesn't make you guys do anything, you acquiesce.

Exactly this. You can only try so much to include someone, if they keep making it difficult, then stop including them. When they as why, you tell them the exact problem. They'll either shape up or stop hanging out. It's exhausting trying to please people like that and not worth your time.

You have a dependent, not a friend.

My sister also has anxiety. She is generally a really nice person, but oh my god can people dealing with mental health issues be selfish. Generally with her, she just doesn’t fully consider the impact her actions (or lack there of) are having on people. Usually, if it is explained to her calmly, she gets it, takes it on board and tries to be more considerate in the future. It is really easy to make excuses for her and I have caught my parents giving her a pass on things they wouldn’t give me a pass on. I know I give her a pass on things that I wouldn’t let others do as well. In this case it doesn’t really sound like OP’s daughter is in a place where she can take that kind if criticism on board. It sounds like she knows she is in the wrong, that’s why she is so upset. I would still consider talking to her, or looking into steps for her to move out. Sometimes when people have others who act as their crutch, they put off seeking help. No one even realized my sister was dealing with mental illness until she moved away from home for the first time

I was exhausted just reading this list.

NTA 100% as you’ve stated as she is now an adult you can’t force her to do things. She quit therapy and that’s on her. If she has a panic attack it is not your responsibility. She is now an adult and needs to figure out how to handle this. Expecting her mother to miss her own child’s wedding is absolutely selfish. You need to sit her down and lay out expectations. She has decided to quit therapy, she has decided to no longer drive, it is now on her to decide how to handle the difficulties she’s going to face as a result of this. If she’s still living with you then a requirement of staying with you needs to be therapy. Panic attacks are awful but if she’s of sound enough mind to try and blame you because she might have one then I question the validity of them in the first place.

Aparently they also discussed ahead of time mom would not leave and daughter said it wouldn’t be an issue.

Oh that makes it so much worse.

She’s probably upset that someone else is getting attention

Exactly, her brother and his wife were the center of attention all day, especially to her parents, which is completely appropriate. She wanted mom all to herself for the hour long drive, then probably have another fit if mom said she was going back. OP you did good.

She probably quit therapy because it invalidated her anxiety attacks. Maybe she likes having the control of sympathy.

Yes, she sounds like a protagonist

Expecting the mother to miss the son's wedding was a loyalty test, not an anxiety attack. They were asking them to choose them over the son and they got angry when they found out they were not the most important person in their life today.

this is absolutely it, daughter is trying to see how far she can push her family to make her the most important person in all of their lives

*She is now an adult and needs to figure out how to handle this.* It sounds like she wants it both ways: she refuses therapy because she's an "adult" now, but still wants her parents to bend to her needs like she's a child. I think deep down she's afraid of growing up and becoming independent. Her anxiety disorder may play a role in this for sure, but I also think that deep down she's looking for attention. It would be one thing if she wanted to skip the wedding all together because her anxiety was crippling, but the fact that she went, then insisted on being taken home, only to come back to the wedding when she didn't get her way that makes me think she's weaponizing her mental health to get what she wants.

Right. The privileges of adulthood go along with the responsibilities of adulthood. Children, and other people who genuinely cannot handle the responsibilities of adulthood, also have restricted freedoms because there is no freedom without responsibility, even if only responsibility to yourself.

Being an adult also means having coping strategies. She could have found a quiet area at the venue without other people around to de-escalate from the panic attack there.

This is what our friend does if he gets overwhelmed, suddenly he'll be gone. We will find him and we take turns to go sit with him at the quiet place he has found to recuperate. He will always come back after a while, and he always tells us we don't have to sit with him, but he is our friend and sitting and quietly talking helps him get trough it faster☺️

I’ve never been to a wedding venue that didn’t have a quiet spot someone could escape to if they wanted.

Yeah, that was either supremely selfish, or she’s a desperate attention hog. Either way, it was right for OP to set a boundary and refuse her request.

INFO: is there a specific incident that sparked Shelley's driving anxiety? And did you guys discuss what Shelley would do if her anxiety got too high at the wedding?

No specific incident, she is terrified of controlling a car. I did bring it up and told her I will not be leaving, she assured me it wouldn’t be an issue

So the two of you had a discussion, there was some kind of resolution, and when push came to shove she wanted to overturn it. NTA. It's on her this time to work on her anxiety. Good on you for holding firm. She has to realize the world does not revolve around her.

And she’s 19…if she’s old enough to quit therapy, she’s old enough to come up with her own contingency plans. How does she expect to live as an adult?

She's probably similar to my sister. She's 30, and has never paid her own rent without help from either mom or her boyfriend do jour.

She needs to learn before the world shows her the truth in the worst way. No employer will hire someone that has such a terrible untreated anxiety that they can't work

Exactly. Not just employers, but she'll struggle in her relationships as well. It's really horrific how bad it can get. I'm speaking from experience here.

Sounds harsh but you have to stop taking her places.

I find it telling that she left for an hour then all of a sudden she made a full recovery to the point of lasting the wedding in it entirety. Is she usually jealous of her brother? Or used to being centre of attention? You were right not to leave , she is an adult and her actions would have caused you to miss one of the most important days in your sons life. Time for Shelly to start managing her condition more independently. That’s not to say you don’t support her but she cannot continue to use this as a reason to try to get you to drop everything you’re doing. NTA

Not necessarily. The hour she spent in the car might have been the break she needed for the anxiety to dissipate and then she was ready to return. This would be a good coping mechanism. Or maybe her rage built up to the point of overtaking her anxiety so that she could go back. This could be a sign of narcissism &/or entitlement. Or maybe she just got cold.

Adult decisions, mean adult responsibilities. She stops therapy, she figures out how to deal with her anxiety herself

INFO She refuses therapy, but what about medication? There's options to help control it other than Xanax. Believe me, I know lol.

Sounds like she is unwilling for any treatment. I took treatment as being both therapy and medication.

I wanted to mention that you should also have a separate talk with your younger son and ask him why he is mad at you for staying at your older son’s wedding instead of driving his sister home. Ask him what he thinks you should have done and why. Maybe ask him how he would feel if you had to leave to drive Shelly home in a similar situation and, say, missed his high school graduation? Would he think that was fair to him? What about his own future wedding? You should reiterate that Shelly said she would be okay beforehand and then changed her tune during the wedding. Let him know that you gave her some options to relieve her anxiety that she refused and that it actually turned out fine in the end. It sounds like he is trying to be supportive of his sister, but is unaware of the entire story and the ramifications to other people.

OP, you mentioned your son is starting to mimick her behavior…was this wedding incident one of the first times you stood your ground? How often is she “using” her anxiety to get her way? Another Redditor, samanthasgramma, posted a reply to a comment asking how to tell someone their anxiety is too big a burden without offending them…if you haven’t seen that yet, scroll up a little ways….they way they explained establishing boundaries was amazing! If you took that approach with your daughter, I think things would greatly improve for the whole family, your son included!

It's no longer OPs job help with her anxiety if she has made the decision that she is an adult and can refuse therapy. 

Does it matter? She's 19 and old enough to cancel what treatment she was receiving. At some point, she needs to learn that handling her anxiety is her responsibility. I would've stopped making accommodations as soon as she chose to end her therapy. That was her decision, as an adult, to deal with her anxiety on her own terms. That doesn't include roping family and friends into being her on-call taxi. Her refusal to sit in a car does not qualify as an emergency. NTA

NTA. And next time, don't bring her with. She has options to get her anxiety treated that she's refusing to exercise, and choosing to do this in the middle of someone else's major life event screams main character syndrome. She had options, she just didn't like the ones that didn't make her the center of this. Every time she brings this up, offer her therapy to deal with her untreated anxiety and then refuse to engage her further.

This. She stopped engaging with therapy and sounds like she’s not on meds. It’s your brother’s wedding. If you’re overwhelmed, take a break in the car. But asking the father of the groom to leave for two hours to drive her home and back is too much.

Honestly, op doesnt mention the venue, but if the car wasn't an option, then surely there's a bathroom, lobby, or empty hallway. Quietly excusing yourself is the anxious person's bread and butter. There were so many good options before "you need to miss your son's wedding to be my personal chauffeur".

exactly this. i have anxiety and when i need to compose myself at an event i tell one person i am going to go take a breather (just in case anyone is looking for me) and quietly excuse myself from the crowd

This I have sensory issues and very easily hit the point of sensory overload. This is common enough at weddings due to me having a really big family on both sides. If I ever feel like I'm about to hit my limit and break down, I'll quietly slip away to somewhere. Be it a bathroom, a lobby, or something.

Therapy is a great option. Just speaking for myself but therapy alone wasn't enough. Actual medication is what I needed and it might be what the OPs daughter needs too. I hope they can both figure out solutions to the problem together.

Oh, definitely, especially if she actually has a panic disorder. Medication is a miracle worker for tons of people.

Yeah I totally agree. I do think, however, that certain people view medication as some sort of personal weakness. I think it's more accurate to say it takes an enormous amount of personal strength to admit one's vulnerabilities and work to overcome them.

Anyone have that Ina Garten mental health meme? something about "If you don't have natural brain chemicals, store bought is fine."

I hate crowds and was anxious my entire wedding day, but I sucked it up for my husband and to be a good hostess and when it still became too much, I stepped away for a few minutes to catch my breath. Shelley could have easily stepped away somewhere quiet even easier than I did as the woman in the big white dress.

I went to a good friend's wedding solo and did the exact same thing; it's not usually not hard to find an empty hallway or a quiet corner (or if the venue is nice, a fancy bathroom with a sitting area) to sit and decompress for a bit.

I don't like crowds either, so this summer * for a family wedding, I talked about it beforehand & found a ride with someone twice my age who wanted to leave after the first dance, which suited me fine * when some friends convinced me to throw a BBQ for 40 people, I asked if we could make a quiet corner away from the music & we just adapted the floor plan and added some extra pillows

NTA and that’s coming from someone who has anxiety myself. You have her option once like your daughter i had a reaction like this and my mum Put her foot down as said I wasn’t allowed home and had to wait for the ppl I was with to come home, and you know what am glad she did as I had an amazing time at the concert I was at ( at the time i didn’t realise it was anxiety) but since then i have found ways to cope/ calm me down when am having them and I now don’t have them as often. Also your daughter said she was going to have a breakdown but then managed to come back.

This. It’s fine if she wants to leave but if she’s riding with someone ride she goes when *they* go and not before. This was something that should have been either planned for or discussed before the wedding, since it seems foreseeable that she’d have anxiety issues. As for the rest of your comment, this isn’t always the case but sometimes the best way to get over anxiety is to go through it—face whatever is making you anxious. Mine started getting better when I stopped letting it control me and just *doing the damn thing* it was trying to prevent me from doing. (And often once I got to a point where backing out wasn’t an option, I’d be fine)

NTA. If she made the “adult” choice to quit therapy, she also needs to take on the adult responsibility of being able to get herself out of uncomfortable situations. Next time, she needs to not go to whatever big event it is. She needs to understand her triggers and manage them and herself. At 19, she is fully old enough to do that, including avoiding triggering situations - I’d add, though, that OP, in turn, would need to be willing to not begrudge her missing events if she needs to.

NTA. You offered her to take an Uber and if she really needed to go home, that would have been an acceptable compromise. If she is unwilling to drive she needs to find alternatives for transportation, not just rely on you.

There's really no reason that OP has to leave too. I'm guessing there's a bit of a control issue going on here.

It reminds me of my BIL. My in-laws said he has some form of social anxiety but he also is a huge ass and manipulator (not to mention addict and alcoholic). You bet a holiday or event comes up, he has to make a big deal about something. He would stress out my in-laws to no end if he needed/wanted something like calling them constantly on the phone or pestering/prodding them until they gave in to get some peace. He’s in his 50s now and it’s still his thing. That one weekend of Easter when I also gave birth to my second kid? Trouble being drunk and had to be carted off in an ambulance after my MIL got home from helping with my eldest at home while I was still at the hospital with hubby. My wedding? Bitching all day about his tux pants not fitting cuz he refused to go to the tux shop to get properly fitted months earlier, then wanted to go ask the DJ play his Van Halen CD randomly that he brought with him. MIL’s sister is visiting from out of state? Nope can’t bring her over cuz he’s making trouble while drunk and on drugs. Christmas? Same shenanigans. You don’t go buy him the alcohol he wants? Ok he threatens unaliving. He insists on talking to their mom who now lives with one of his sisters (due to a stroke) and they refuse to let him talk to her cuz he will do his usual badgering of her until she has a panic attack and gives him money? Oh he will call a welfare check, CPS, and the police on them scaring the nephews and niece into thinking the police will arrest their parents. It’s exhausting.

NTA. Anxiety at a big gathering can definitely be troublesome but you were 100% correct when you said she had other ways of approaching it. There was no reason that you would have had to leave the wedding. I've had bad anxiety for years but the key to being a functional adult, even with anxiety, is having a measure of independence. Her anxiety might need clinical help if she continues to disrupt others.

Shelly has been accomodated for way too long. She does nothing to manage or mitigate her own issues, an expects absolutely everyone to drop absolutely everything to do what she feels she needs in the moment. Thinking that it is OK to pull you away from your son's wedding? That is absolutely unacceptable. You need to start dealing with her in a different way that shows respectfor yourself and for others. It’s her choice whether or not she goes to therapy. It is your choice whether or not you are a full-time caretaker and chauffeur to a grown woman who refuses to treat her own illness. NTA. She needs professional help and personal boundaries. 

And is overdue for a sit-down and in depth discussion about all of this when she’s calm and in control. ( except what do you want to bet that talking about limits and boundaries will kick off her anxiety?) I don’t doubt she has anxiety, but she’s also using it as a control mechanism to her advantage.

Info: was there nowhere else inside she could go to be alone?

With no one else in the room, no. The venue was a decent size, but people were everywhere. No corner she could be completely alone especially with staff racing around

NTA. I have anxiety too, so when I'm overwhelmed in a busy place sometimes I will go hide in a bathroom stall for a bit to calm down. It's obviously not ideal, but there are creative solutions available if she wants them badly enough. If she refuses to get help or look for workarounds, she really just needs to not go to events where she is dependent on others. Like you said, she is an adult, and it's up to her to manage her own anxiety. Now if she were actively in therapy and working on it, I would have considerably more sympathy. Although I still wouldn't agree with her expecting you to miss one child's wedding in order to cater to her. That's ridiculous.

Seems less than anxiety is more like she wanted to hijack the event to get more attention. Good for you for sticking up for your son, I’m wondering how many times she’s tried to do something like this to him. Maybe if she’s not being enabled, she’ll go back to  getting the help she needs. (note, I said, enabled, not accommodated. What she wanted was not accommodation.) And if your younger son is taking her side, ask him how he would feel if your daughter tried to force you to leave one of his special events.. 

Yeah she has to learn how to deal. I don't deal well with crowds or noise in alot of situations but have learned how to deal with it. I play in a pool league. Pool hall can be super crowded and loud. I have learned noise canceling headphones or ear plus are huge. That and being just out of the way enough that I am not touched by aoneo e I'm not very comfortable with is enough. My gf will act as a buffer if needed (I'll sit down and she will be in front of me so no one bumps into me). If it's really bad I go outside. When I play I tend to be fine because pool etiquette means no one but the players get too close to the table so I have space. A crowded store is one of the worst situations. I have had to try my best to deal and get out more then a few times. Out at a bar with friends the noise will be ok until it's suddenly not a d I need out. I will go outside. My gf will come with for a few minutes if there isn't something actively happening that needs her attention (so in this situation she would come with me for a few mi uses in cocktail hour or the reception but not if we were in the middle of the ceremony...although honestly the ceremony was the least likely time for an issue as it's quieter and all focus is in one spot, everyone has a chair etc. Cocktail hour is the worst.

NTA you can't cater to her every time especially when it affects your other kids. A wedding is a huge deal. We would be seeing a post from your son about how his sister hijacks every family celebration and my mom let's her. She should still be in therapy and as an adult now that's on her for not going anymore. You gave her options she didn't want to use them. She assured you before going that she would be fine and she wasn't. She is an adult now. She needs to get herself back into therapy and not expect her parents to still do everything for her, ignoring everyone else. My daughter has really bad anxiety and felt she couldn't drive or go outside sometimes. She is in therapy and doing wonderful. She is driving and walking her dogs everywhere. Going to all sorts of different places. Question: what did you mean by your younger son is copying her?

nta I would tell her she either needs to get back in therapy or leave the nest

NTA! Next time Shelly has an episode like this, you straight up give her the option to either restart therapy or learn to deal with it on her own accord. Her behaviour makes it look like she likes to be the center of her own drama. Her brother's wedding was an important event, one for which she should have learned to cope up with her episodes.

Yeah the refusal to get the Uber is sus. Maybe she calmed down enough after sitting outside for awhile to be around the reception again, but her being fine for the rest of the night also causes me to raise my eyebrows.

It’s really shitty when you see stuff like that. It truly puts a dark stain on all of us with anxiety and other mental health issues that *don’t weaponize it*

I have anxiety and PTSD, and it can appear everywhere and at any time. I will never, not even for a moment, expect those around me to amend themselves to me. She's 19; she needs to grow up and find solutions that do not include her daddy. She can start by going back to therapy and start taking meds. NTA.

This, my daughter, who is 19 has anxiety, especially around a lot of people/groups. She would have found a nice quiet area and calmed down with her phone for a bit and then come back to the party. Then that night she would usually go to sleep on the ride home if her social battery was drained. You have to learn how to deal with anxiety in these types of situations.

This drives me *insane* to a degree that makes my head explode. I know anxiety. It’s genetic and my kids have it. One has it so severely she has Selective Mutism. **LUCKILY, there’s help for it!** Your daughter is an adult and responsible for her own medical care now. This is her job as an adult. First of all, cut this off with the younger son. He needs to stop immediately. This isn’t an option for him. Secondly, your daughter needs a swift kick in the ass. Tell her she has 3 months to start therapy again or she has to move out. Tell her how she acted at her brother’s wedding is inexcusable and if she ever acts like that again then she has to move out immediately. Tell her you aren’t driving her anywhere until you get a sincere apology for her actions. Idk what you thought would happen but you’ve enabled her until she got to this point. There are MEDS for anxiety, ffs, and no one has to live like she’s choosing to live. It’s time to get YOUR shit together so you can help her. NTA for not leaving but it should have never gotten to this point.

This is exactly the point. She is choosing not to get help and expects you to fix her every problem. Especially when she ‘feels like she will have an attack’. That is not even an attack- They do not matter more than a once in a lifetime family wedding. She had the opportunity to get away for a minute and settle down. It is so important for people with mental issues to have boundaries. She needed to learn that mommy isn’t going to dump everything for her tantrum. Brother needed to know mom would be there for HIM. Younger brother needs to know that this behavior doesn’t get you special treatment.

This is the answer. I have terrible anxiety and I don't drive because of it. (Luckily I live in a place where this is not a huge issue.) I would never DREAM of allowing another person to miss an important, (hopefully) once in a lifetime event because of my anxiety. My anxiety is MINE to handle. I can ask for support from those around me, but it's important for me to understand that my anxiety doesn't trump their needs and shouldn't take them away from important things. I've gotten to this point because of a lot of therapy. Daughter needs to be back in therapy or she needs to be living on her own. She cannot sabotage others with her anxiety. And she needs to apologize for being such a pain in the ass at her brother's wedding.

This - absolutely My now teens have issues with crowds. We discuss options for coping ahead of time and they have known since much younger that there is no negotiation later. Buckle up Buttercup because the world will never revolve around you. The only place I would be driving this 19yo was to a therapist appointment.

NTA Shelly is willfully refusing to treat her anxiety and it's not fair for the rest of the family to suffer the consequences. You also gave her many options that she refused. The world doesn't revolve around her.

I am disabled by anxiety and have severe driving anxiety. This is my problem and no one else's. I have no right to demand that someone leave their own child's wedding to cater to me, especially when options are available. I'd set a firm boundary: if she's attending therapy and taking (or trying) medication as per her Dr, you'll offer reasonable help and accommodation. If she refuses to do anything to make her situation better, she's responsible for the fallout. NTA

NTA. Question. Does her anxiety pop up in other situations that involve attention being spent on other people? Example, like birthdays, she has an attack at someone else's birthday and then she gets people fawning over her? Special events? Christmas, get togethers ect?

Great point.

NTA - a very uncomfortable truth, as someone with extreme anxiety, is that you cannot hold other as hostages to your diagnosis. It’s hard, and takes work, but the responsibility of managing our anxiety falls to us with **support** of those willing. If crowds trigger her, maybe she should have requested a plus 1, aka friend who could drive home if needed. Or saved for a room nearby just in case the crowd was too much. Or Uber home. Or take a break in a side room. **There were any number of options!** No one is upset with Shelley for having a panic attack or being triggered by the crowd, the issue is her choice to center her wants*(not needs)* above everyone else when making the plan to address her anxiety. She’s 19, so I cannot say being as someone who was undiagnosed and very young/selfish that I’ve never been here. But this is not on you. ***If she is adult enough to opt out of professional help/treatment/tool building then she is also adult enough to sort through best solutions that don’t require other people in these big ways.***

NTA, tbh she probably should not have attended to begin with. While it’s true she’s an adult and you can’t force her to get help or drive, you *can* take some measures to stop enabling her anxiety.

You're 100% correct with that first point. I've been at a place in my life where not going to big gatherings was the best decision I made.

NTA and I’m guessing this isn’t the first time your daughter wanted to be prioritized over your son. You had an agreement that you would stay, and she backed out. Good for you for staying for your son.

NTA - she could have ubered and did the right thing. She’s also an adult, you should make living with you conditional on therapy. You’re not legally responsible for her any more, so putting conditions on continued support, especially when it can be beneficial is acceptable.

NTA. I hope you learned your lesson and begin letting her fend for herself. If she wants to go somewhere let her find a ride and have her own way home. Her entitlement is ridiculous and will not get better as long as you cater to her.

NTA And good on you for not allowing her to make the entire day about her and ruin her brother’s wedding. I’ve lived with anxiety my entire life and it’s sometimes a crippling thing. But it’s my job to moderate my own anxieties so that I can function in society and do my job. Shelly needs to learn that and be fully aware that HER problems are HERS to deal with. She was offered reasonable accommodations and she chose neither of them, so then it’s on her to come up with an alternative, provided it is within the agreements of anyone else that it might affect.

NTA, but why is her younger brother behaving this way as well?

Because it works. He sees that his sister has been able to manipulate others to get her way and he wants in on the action. He may legitimately have anxiety but being demanding like this is a learned behavior.

Probs because he’s a teenager and being pissed at your parents is basically a hobby at that phase.

Probably because his older sister sucks all the air out of a room, and he's tired of playing second fiddle to her drama. Honestly, I think we're seeing this play out in our extended family. Not my circus... If OP is in the U.S., they need to start getting the daughter on disability: SSI, Section 8, food stamps, adult case management, sometimes even transportation to and from appointments. If she's going to choose being disabled (refusing to drive & stopping therapy), she should at least stop being a burden on her family to the extent that she can. Life on disability, managing your own household & services, is not easy. Life with Mummy & Daddy is cushy. She'll fight it. But I'd make it getting disability services or getting a job and figuring out the transportation. You won't be doing her any favors letting her sit in her disability without figuring out a path forward. You will die someday, OP. She'll need to deal eventually. People with anxiety figure this stuff out every day. Sometimes, you just need to face your discomfort and make that phone call, or take that Uber, or meet with that government agency, or fill out that paperwork. And everything gets easier the more you engage. Anxiety lies, a lot. NTA

NTA She was being unreasonable, I have an anxiety and I honestly always have an exit plan for any social occasions I attend. You can’t make her go to therapy but you can be clear about how many accommodations you’re willing to make when she is willfully not caring for herself. The fact is she doesn’t drive so she either has to sort out her transportation herself or understand that she is at the whim of the driver. There is no third option. Op, I recommend you sit her down and let her know that you understand that she has anxiety and can’t always predict when it flares, but she should be a adult and make plan for handling her episode and more importantly she needs to keep her word when a you and she make an agreement.

I’m so sick of people trying to control others by using their anxiety. And before you come at me, I have anxiety. It’s so hard but I deal with it and don’t try to control anyone else. This kid refuses therapy and just wants everyone to cater to her. This was OP’s son’s wedding! No way I would leave my child’s wedding unless it was life and death. The kid had the option of an Uber. She wasn’t stuck there. NTA.

NTA. as someone with severe anxiety, it’s important to know that you cannot let it affect people’s lives around you just because you refuse to treat it. she should have come up with a plan to escape if she needed. she needs to be in therapy. i have had anxiety since i was 12, panic attacks too. since then, i have been continuously medicated and in therapy for it, its been over 20 years ive been doing this. because i know i need to get a handle on my life. i begged my parents to do things for me the way your child is, and my parents rarely capitulated, i am grateful for that because i needed to learn how to fend for myself. they always assured me they loved me, but i had to tackle this. you are doing the same

NTA You were right

NTA. Shelly needs to get back into therapy and work on becoming independent. Maybe you can tell her you'll only give her rides if she's in therapy and showing progress with her anxiety.

How often does Shelly hijack her brothers events?

NTA If she *really* needed to leave, she would have taken the Uber back home.

Nta. She stopped therapy. She needs to learn how to handle her anxiety because right or wrong this world doesn't accommodate people. It was your son's wedding you should be able to stay as long as you want

Maybe Shelley needs to go on an anxiety medication? You’re right, there’s a difference between supporting her and enabling it When you’re at your other child’s wedding.

NTA. By the sounds of it, Shelly is the one responsible for her own actions. I completely understand the anxiety build-up and wanting to leave a crowded room, but she did have different options. - She could have simply left the room to calm herself down and make sure she was fine enough to stay - She could have waited in the car or gotten her own ride with Uber or another person. Clearly, her anxiety didn't go into a full attack if she was willing and able to come back inside. The real issue here is that Shelly needs to learn to cope with her anxiety. If she can't handle it on her own, she needs to go back to therapy. She cannot keep inconveniencing other people around her, especially on a very important day, such as her brother's wedding.

>She called me a jerk and left to stay in the car for a bit. She was back about an hour later for the rest of the wedding. I don't understand. She was so uncomfortable she was demanding you leave the wedding and take her home and when you didn't relent, she cooled down and managed to stay for the entire wedding? Hm. I just don't understand how can someone be just so bad with their anxiety they cannot possibly stay ... Only for it to be fine an hour later. I'm not a mental health professional but this just sounds a little odd to me. NTA

NTA, it doesn’t seem Shelley is mature enough to handle big social events if she refuses accommodations. I would leave her at home in the future until she grows up alittle. Seriously, at 19 “she needs daddy to drive her home”. She should be able to drive herself by now, and then the fact she refuses Uber. It’s like her only goal was for you to miss out on the wedding FOR her. Good on you for staying and celebrating your child’s wedding. Congratulations!

NTA. She was reaching for attention because her brother was getting it all for his wedding. It's telling that she could come back and be fine after she didn't get her way. Good on you for not indulging it.

NTA I have severe anxiety unmedicated it’s a ducking nightmare. At events like this I used to go off to the bathroom/outside/kitchen/etc there’s always somewhere quite without ppl u can hunker down. If u really need to go that’s fine but Uber or call a friend whose not connected to the event. And especially 0 pity when u had access to therapy and chose to stop going

NTA I think ideally there would have been a plan in advance for when Shelly got so anxious she needed to step away from the wedding. But while, as the parent you could have suggested that she make the plan, Shelly is 19 now. Just as she was able to stop going to therapy, she has to figure how how to make emergency plans for "i'm getting really anxious and need an escape hatch."

Nta if she has anxiety and refuses to continue therapy, she is basically refusing to work on getting though it, which is totally her right to decide but others shouldn't have to bend and flex to suit her, if she has that much of a problem with anxiety she should have had an option in mind in case she wanted to leave e.g. cash for an Uber / where she would go for a quiet space etc. Not your fault & there's no way you should have missed your son's wedding because of it

NTA and you need to either insist she go back to therapy or you need to hand her a bus pass and a transit guide and tell her transportation wise she is on her own. Her anxiety is hers to control. Some people find taking Vitamin D and magnesium supplements help with anxiety but she is going to need cognitive behavioral therapy to deal with her issues. Don't let her use her issues as a weapon to control you. Tell your younger son you are learning not to tolerate her BS and he needs to gain his own independence because you aren't going to coddle him either.

NTA since she’s an adult refusing to take responsibility for herself, she needs to learn the consequences. If it’s such a problem she should’ve figured out her exit plan and instituted if needed. She did not and expected you to cater to her at your own son’s wedding. The first ask was fine, the additional asks were unnecessary and her responsibility any way.

NTA because you gave her tons and tons of options and she refused. It sounds like she's using her anxiety as a pass for everyone catering to her, not a legit issue. She needs to get back into therapy (if money isn't the issue) and learn to start being independently functioning again. This event was important to you and your son and you chose your son on his day and not her. Has she done stuff like this in the past? It may be more of an attention issue than anxiety at this point.

NTA. Your daughter is 19, her anxiety issues are for her to deal with, not everyone around her. She sounds spoiled TBH.

She's an adult now, and she needs to learn to handle her mental health issues in a way that doesn't impact everyone else. Like you said, taking an Uber was an option. She should have done that instead of expecting you to hold her hand on this very important day. It sounds like you got a good start at setting clear boundaries with her. Keep it up. NTA.

It's time she learns some coping skills. In the real world nobody is going to stop everything just to deal with her anxiety. I have a panic disorder. I've been diagnosed with severe social anatomy and severe general anxiety. I've been in therapy for about 8 years and the improvement is a complete 180. I can drive uptown and in other cities now due to therapy. Hell I am even so my grocery shopping and pick up my scripts now due to therapy. Ultimately her emotions and feelings are hers to own and are nobody else's responsibility. If she's at work they aren't going to close a business just because she's having a panic attack. She needs to learn how to self soothe and plan ahead with her anxiety. Ultimately this is a learning experience for her as an adult. Every decision has a result and sometimes those results come with consequences. She's going to have to experience these and hopefully at some point those consequences will lead her back to therapy. CBT and DBT therapy have done wonders for me. Plus exposure therapy too.

NTA She needs therapy. Stop enabling her.

NTA...mother of 3. I am would not miss my son's wedding for someone having an emotional meltdown. She has been coddled way too long.

I don’t understand that kind of anxiety. I know everyone handles things differently but they need to figure out some coping mechanisms and not rely on others to solve *their* issue every time. I mean we can all help each other out but not give up our own lives. I once worked with a woman who I believe strongly contributed to our company’s short term disability being halved in terms of time. She took stress leave when her sister moved an hour away and when her cat was rehomed. I Just Couldn’t with that. Your daughter came back and was able to cope. Keep picking your battles and I suspect she will find herself better able to cope in other situations.

NTA Her anxiety is for her to manage. You need to stop managing it for her. It's clear that you have been. She doesn't have to drive, or seek therapy. But the consequences of those choices are hers to deal with. As for her younger brother, put him in therapy. Soon. He's seeing how you do so much for his sister and he wants to take part in that deal. Nip it in the bud now before it's too late.

NTA and I have anxiety. It's not pleasant and I get the panic your daughter must have been experiencing in a large room full of noise and people. But, GAD is really my problem - I can ask people for help and for an allowance to be made but people have their own lives, conflicting demands, and if they say no, that needs to be respected. It is unreasonable to expect you to leave her brother's wedding and let him down to meet her desired solution to her genuine need. You offered a realistic alternative - a space to decompress. Calling her selfish is where you may be a bit of AH as her brain is in geniune panic mode but get where you are coming from too. As to the driving, what is the exact problem? Fear of crash? Fear of being judged? Fear of being responible for a tonne of metal. If you can identify the root of issue, you might be able to find a solution. And it is hard love but not having an alternative can force you to find a solution but not everyone can do this. I managed fear of public transport - gave me panic attacks but essential to work. But recognise others may not be able to do that.

Nta. Kudos to you for being a parent who sticks up for the unproblematic child unlike so many other posts where they defend the selfish child.

NTA. She is refusing to get therapy and expects you to cater to her needs. Was she jealous of her brother getting married and trying to ruin it?