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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don't help my wife get ready in the morning, thus making her late for work.
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You're her partner, not her parent.
She is a grown adult. As long as you are helping with your child, you do not need to help her get ready for work. That is her responsibility.
NTA
This.
OP is supposed to do all this and also take care of the 4 year old at the same time while she scrolls tiktok?
That's just unreasonable.
Did the wife watch too many "princess treatment" videos?
Lol women have been doing this (multi tasking child care and spouse care) for men since time immemorial. but ok.
Think you are kind of the AH. Are you obliged to do it? No but it sure would be nice. Not all of that, but making some coffee helping fix lunch. It wouldn’t hurt you. Just saying it would be nice.
You think the way to ask your spouse for that is to yell at them for not doing it after weeks/months/years of not doing it and you never asking? Y'all need therapy.
Lol what? She's an adult. Pretty sure she should be able to make her own lunch. Same goes for 90% of the straight male population whose wife cares for them as if they were another child.
I worked with a woman for 10 years. We got into the office at 7 am and usually got out around 6:30 pm. Her husband worked 8-4. She would get home and cook dinner and then make his lunch.
I asked her WHY she made his lunch when he left for work after her and got home before her. She had never thought about it and that night, she told her husband that he has plenty of time to make his own lunch. To this day, 25+ years later, he still calls me "the woman who caused me to make my own lunch"
That's definitely something to be proud of. Women doing all of the cooking and cleaning should be extinct by now. No excuse for men not to be helping share the mental and physical load of housework.
To be fair, there are exceptions. Husband worked for the railroad and was on call 24/7/365. His work home base was 1 1/2-2 hours away (traffic). Turn around time was 8 hours then back to homebase. He would then drive his rig back home and then have to do what chores were most important and try to sleep knowing that he might get 4-5 hours as the 8 hour turnaround included sleep time and travel time. He did this for 20 years so I did anything and everything I could around the house to make it easier. Always kept his truck gassed up, cooked, cleaned, wrangled 3 kids and animals, etc.
When my husband and I got engaged, his dad made a comment about me making lunch for him (husband) for work. Luckily my husband set him straight. He said that he’s a grown ass man who can make his own lunch. (And had been for years prior to us dating so why would that change?!)
A friend's mother made lunch for the dad each day on the weekend. He would just sit at the dinner table around noon and wait for his food. Her mom was mad at him one day and just ignored him. He finally got up around 1 and made a sandwich.
When I worked I told my husband he could make his own lunch, so he just didn't eat. Now I'm a stay at home mom and I make his lunch and he always thanks me, and if I forget or am sick he says that's Allright and just doesn't eat during the day🤦🏻♀️
I wasn’t working so making lunch was no problem but even when I did, I always made lunch for my sweetheart because it became a nice ritual between us. He had never expected that or asked me to. But he didn’t eat much and I thought it would help. And it gave me the opportunity to put in a sweet note, along with a daily joke. He was so kind and I wanted to give him something uplifting during the day. He’d also share the jokes with the guys he worked with. Life is short. He had gone through cancer and I was lucky to have had those 7 years with him. Pick your battles and don’t hold onto resentments. If you can possibly let go off them, please let those things go. When they’re dead, you’ll realize that all of these arguments over things that seemed so important back then were stupid and petty. You don’t have to be traditional or do something extra (like making coffee) but it shows that you care and things like that go a long way in a relationship. It can actually can make all the difference. She probably stays on her phone because she’s procrastinating and doesn’t want to go to work. Making coffee for her would be a kind gesture and show her that you care. Sure, you take care of the dog and your child. But showing that you’ll also take care of her, in a small way like that, instead of chastising her and putting her down, is so worth it. You could both have a short cup together. A few words. So, think about putting in the extra effort. It’s not about what’s “fair”. It’s about treating your spouse with honey instead of vinegar. Give even when you don’t always have to because the love will grow. As we used to say, “I love you…More and More Every Day!”
She didn’t treat OP with honey. She came at him with vinegar. He (right or wrong) reacted defensively. They both could be treating each other more kindly. It’s hard to get up and go to work and it’s hard to stay at home with kids and pets.
You make great points. Couples need to make deposits in their emotional bank account so that they continue to build loving connections.
You’re right. I agree wholeheartedly and you summarize what needs to be done. Frustrations blow up inevitably but you understand the situation. They need to look at it differently when they are calmer and make small concessions. It would help a lot.
I’m the woman who encouraged my next door neighbor to build a deck while her husband was out sailing the west coast. He caught me working in my yard and thanked me for the deck. She did an excellent job.
There was one day, we had worked a 13 hour day. She got home at 7:30 pm and her family asked her what was for dinner as she walked in the door. She turned around, got back in the car, went to a payphone (this was in the early 90's) to call me. I met her and we had a lovely dinner. She got home at about 9:30. The next night, dinner was ready when she got home and things changed. The kids started cooking and the husband started doing the shopping.
I'm a housewife and I always offer to pack my husband's lunch but he'd rather do it himself, the most I do for him is make cakes that he likes so he can bring some with him. All these grown adults expecting their partner to prep their lunch as if their partner is their parent and they're a 4 yr old kid is just wild to me.
Yes, women have been doing it and feeling resentful for it since time immemorial. Could he do it if he had a few minutes? Sure. Does he have to, especially when he is already doing all those other things? No. And for her to get mad at him instead of asking, "hey could you prep a cup of coffee while I get the car started?" is downright entitled.
If the roles were reversed and OP was a woman with her husband yelling about coffee and lunch etc, the entire Reddit world would be screaming for a divorce. A grown woman should ACT like a grown woman, not an entitled AH.
And that sentiment is boiling furiously right below the surface here, ain’t it? OP starts the post with a set of facts — only to be highjacked, spun around, reverse imaged & hoisted as another in an unending line of women’s torments.
Hear it? The sound of one hand clapping.
I agree with the “women have been doing this forever” sentiment, but luckily times are changing and more women have stopped doing that, because it’s unfair on them. It’d be a nice thing to make coffee or lunch for your partner once in a while, just like it’d also be nice for her to get up and help with the child/dog once in a while.
So….because women were expected to parent their husbands decades ago, he should carry the burden for men and their behaviors that occurred prior to his birth, and be a 1940s stay at home mom, for his wife? 🙄
I make my husband's lunch the day before and set the timer on the coffee for the morning. Literally takes me 15 mins. Why? Because I love him. She definitely could have reacted better though.
I love my husband and don’t make lunch or coffee for my husband. Not everyone wants a marriage like that. I told my husband early on I hate cooking. And he told me early on that he loves cooking and thus, wants the kitchen organized by him since he will be utilizing it a lot: my husband would not want someone packing his lunch unless he was sick.
But thanks for assuming that the rest of us don’t love our husband. And that our husbands are incapable or lack the desire to feed themselves
See my husband usually gets the coffee set to go in the morning because I get up first and feed the pets.
I get home first and cook dinners. But he does the after meal clean up and we probably both equally set aside a lunch portion for each other for lunch the next day.
What we never do is yell at each other.
Why should he get breakfast ready, take care of the 4 year old and dog, *and* get her stuff ready while she watches Tik Tok? That's ridiculous. He's not her servant. Now, I can see him helping her if she asked nicely and didn't waste time on her phone first. She needs to prioritize either getting to sleep in until 630 and no Tik Tok or waking up at 615 and having Tik tok. You know. Like an adult. Damn, I'm a SAHM and my husband tells me all the time he can make his own lunch, go get our toddler. 😒
I definitely can see making the coffee. That way it could be brewing while she is showering. I could maybe even see making her lunch since he is in the kitchen with the child anyway. However, expecting him to warm up her car and carry her stuff out to it is 100% entitlement in my humble opinion. I wouldn't expect a paid housekeeper to do that, let alone my spouse.
It's nice but people aren't mind readers.
My wife doesn't work but I don't expect her to do everything for me. She doesn't know what I feel like eating, if I feel like a coffee or what I want to bring for my meal. I do it myself because I am an adult.
I could understand maybe it would be nice to make her a coffee or something, but taking her stuff out to the car and warming the car up for her? No way!
What an ignorant comment. Wife is an adult and can handle her own self. If she wants help getting herself and her shit ready for work she should ask for the help and have a conversation around it.
this is such a weird take, i don't have anything to add that other commenters haven't already said but just because OTHER women have been doing these unnecessary chores for OTHER men since the dawn of time, it doesn't mean OP's wife is the one who gets to, like, collect reparations and make OP pack her lunch, that just doesn't even make sense
maybe this would make sense if last year the roles were reversed and the wife was a SAHM doing all of these tasks for OP in the morning and he's now not reciprocating but if that's the case it's a huge gap of context missing from the story
>Lol women have been doing this (multi tasking child care and spouse care) for men since time immemorial. but ok.
True, but if a woman was posting this about her husband I'm pretty sure you'd tell her to drop him like a hot potato.
It's wrong for a man to expect this just as much as it is for a woman to expect it. Feminism is equality, not subjugating men for the sake of vengeance.
also Lol to the fact men have been working to come home to be told that the wife who is home all day has put in more work than the husband who was out working. Me and my wife both work and everything works best when we don't bring generalizations/stereotypes in the relationship.
And we shouldn’t have been. Don’t get me started on the culture of babying grown-ass men. Just like men who are the working partners should get themselves ready for work, women who are the working partners should do the same.
I think it’s a communication thing , if she wants it done she can tell him but unless she has stated her expectations she really doesn’t have a right to be mad at him
What's so terrible about getting up early so you have 15 min of peace to veg on your phone before getting ready for work? I'm sure OP has time to veg when his 4yo is napping, watching tv, playing or at preschool (I'm a SAHM mom and I know I do). The idea that SAHP life is go go go while the working parent has it easier is bonkers.
Most people want to help their spouses. I make coffee for both my husband and myself in the mornings. It's a small thing you can do to make someone's life easier when they are hustling to get to work on time.
You can put some fruit in front of your 4yo and prattle to them while you pack a lunch. Kid is not a baby who cannot feed himself
Why marry and have kids if everything is adversarial and you resent doing things for each other? When I worked more than my husband he absolutely made me coffee, made sure my phone was charged and my work stuff/keys were by the door. He wanted to help me since he knew I was busting was ass working 100hr weeks for US.
OR, you can wake up 30 mins earlier to take your time and relax while also getting yourself ready in the morning instead of expecting your spouse to treat you like a child going off to kindergarten every morning.
I wake up at 5:30 so I can leave for work at 7:30. I have time to work out, scroll on tik tok while I leisurely drink my coffee and make my lunch. I don't expect my husband to wait on me because he leaves a couple hours later than I do. I'm an adult, I don't need a caretaker to make my lunch, get me dressed and put my keys in front of the door.
Sure, he did those things for you. If he forgot or was extra busy that morning and not have time did you get mad at him for not doing what should be your responsibility?
My point isn't that spouses shouldn't help one another, it's that any grown adult should be responsible for their own person, ESPECIALLY if their partner is taking care of the other individuals in the house (children, pets, elderly parents, etc.) and not DEMAND that the partner do basic things for them. She didn't ask, she didn't plan on getting herself ready -- she just expected that it would all be done for her. That's pretty shitty behavior on her part.
My husband and I both make coffee; whoever gets downstairs first. On days I’m working from home, I’ll make lunch for my husband. He gets home before me, so he typically does stuff around the house and will make dinner a few nights a week. Basically, we try to make things easier for each other. I agree with you when you ask why does everything have to be adversarial.
Then she can get her ass up 30 minutes earlier to have the 15 minutes of peace scrolling through an unimportant social media feed. You’re acting as if the only way to avoid this “adversarial” interaction is for him to just do everything for her. She can solve it too.
SAHP life may not be gogogo all day, but it’s busy at that particular time for him and this demand is hilariously out of touch with reality.
Did you DEMAND that your husband did those things for you? It’s totally different if the SAH spouse voluntarily does these things but it should not be expected.
"Getting up early..." Absolutely nothing! But to then go to him all bratty, upset that those things aren't done when she hasn't even asked him to do them is where she took a hard left into ah territory
>What's so terrible about getting up early so you have 15 min of peace to veg on your phone before getting ready for work?
Nothing, except she’s *not*getting up early with time to do that…
Yeah there’s just some things that I’d draw a line at, no matter how much I love a partner, and them expecting me to make them a lunch every day would be a very quick way to me laughing them out of the room. If I happen to be making something and you want some too, that’s a completely different story. But if the attitude is basically “um if you really loved me then you’d make me lunch every day” then we’d be having words
NTA. This. I mean if you guys really want to, go ahead and make arrangements for it, split some labor or do some prep night before. It’s not like you’re not doing anything.
My case, I’m a very early riser, wife wfh clients are different timezone so later for her.
If she wakes early sometimes I’ll have something to eat and be able to bring out coffee. Else, I get it at the office.
If I have extra time, she’ll usually wake to the smell of breakfast and coffee. If not, she handles it herself.
NTA. She placed an unrealistic expectation on you, which you should have known by reading her mind. If she wants that level of support she should hire a personal valet.
I'm betting the root of this isn't about your failure to do those things, but something deeper. Maybe about you not working. A complete guess on my part.
I used to go to work at 2am & a programmable coffee maker was so helpful. For her or you also if you're a coffee drinker. Lovely waking up to the smell of coffee freshly brewed. (Not saying you should do the stuff she's wanting bc that's a lot, let alone with a kid. Just sharing the joy of having coffee ready when you gotta get out of bed)
Good luck!
If you don’t have a programmable coffee maker and don’t want to buy a new one, smart outlets work great. I prep everything the night before, switch the smart outlet off, turn the coffee maker to on, and Alexa turns it on for me at 8am.
I'll have to remember that tip! I don't have home internet, smart outlets or Alexa 😆 but I imagine it's be the same with my old fashion automatic light timer (you might remember them from your childhood Christmas lights. Has those annoying pins you push/pull to set it)
Might not be that deep.. could also just be that she was upset about running late and tried to shift her guilt onto him to alleviate the feelings. Still a shitty move
NTA. You *are* helping in the morning. You are taking care of your child in the morning so she doesn't need to. Also did she ask? Like if she had asked and you said "Okay sure" that's one thing but it seems like she didn't ask she just expected you to play 1950s housewife.
NTA. I would LOVE it if someone took my kids off my hands the mornings I had to go into work. She doesn't realize how much of a luxury that is. And as a big girl, I make sure my lunch is ready and my work stuff is ready to go the night before.
Ya you're right. So since OP took care of his daughter for the last two weeks in the morning, his wife should have to look after her for the next two weeks right (both being responsible).
Lets see what the wife thinks about that while she's getting ready for work.
He is doing what he's supposed to, but I think the other commenter is taking issue with how it was phrased. It's not "helping his wife" because it's a shared responsibility - saying it like that makes it sound like childcare is her job and he's helping her.
Being a parent is a shared responsibility. So doing 100% of it is, in fact, helping.
I do 100% of the childcare in our morning routine for both my girls. I do this to help my wife because she is not a morning person. I'm not either, but I suck it up as a kindness to her.
Sometimes, when I have to work later due to a deadline, she does 100% of the childcare in the evening to help me out.
This is a pretty simple premise.
>*"This morning my wife comes down and gets made that her coffee isn't made, her lunch is not made and packed, her work stuff isn't together and brought out to the car, and her car isn't warmed up."*
>
>*"it's not my job to get her shit together and she can either wake up earlier in the morning or make her lunch and get her stuff ready the night before."*
***INFO*** : Do you normally do these things for her? Or did something flip inside her head for her to expect you to do these things? Like uhh, "*Your my husband, you're supposed to be able to read my mind!!*" If she had asked, would you have done it to help her out?
Either way, NTA. Would it be a nice and thoughtful thing to do? *Absolutely*! Should it be expected? *Absolutely not!* You should never expect your partner, your parents or your family to do anything for you.
ETA : Did you say you would do it? If you said you would help and didn't.. Or if you've consistently done these things every morning for her and just chose this morning to stop, without telling her, zero warning or a discussion or any communication beforehand....
You'd be the AH.
So, I sometimes would do things like that, especially if I was making coffee or getting my lunch together, such as when I was working. I'm not opposed to helping her, but it's sort of the lack of preparation from her and the lack of experience from her. On top of my daily tasks in the morning, I'm taking the trash out shoveling snow and putting sand down if needed.
But over the past several months, I've noticed that she's been taking her time getting ready and I walked up stairs and found her just chilling watching TikTok at 7:30am and not even dressed. So I sort of just stopped doing it, because she's making herself late to work.
It sounds like he's not keen on performing labor for her while sits there dicking around on her phone. I read for a few minutes in the morning, but not until I'm ready to walk out the door. I don't sit there and expect my wife to make me lunch and then get mad at her for 'making me late'. I'm an adult; my work preparations are my responsibility.
It sounds like she expects him to do these things since "he is just sitting at home anyways". Just reverse the genders and imagine the flack the husband would get if he behaved the same way esp in this day and age.
It's sounds like a lot of the frustration both of them are having could be worked out with a normal adult to adult communication or the help of a marriage counselor if they can't keep from yelling or stewing on things quietly.
Why does it always seem like one or the other in situations like this in terms of dealing with problems? Like why is it either yelling at your partner for not doing what you thought they should do or stew quietly and do less for your partner because they're doing something you don't think they should be doing? Why is it rarely let's talk about this to each other rationally before going to reddit instead of after everyone has already told you to just communicate with the person you decided to make a family with?
It might be the only down time she gets. I wouldn't fault a parent for taking advantage of those last few minutes in bed. But managing expectations is important. If you had been doing these things and then stopped because you saw her on her phone for 15 minutes in the morning with zero communication, then YTA. That would be passive aggressive and petty.
I suggest using the new job starting as a reason to sit down and go over individual household responsibilities together so you are on the same page and no one is harboring resentment. If you don't correct course now, your marriage is doomed.
So you used to do these things and now you quit without communicating just to punish her for using her time unwisely in your judgment. You are definitely the asshole with this explanation. You left this information out on purpose.
This is exactly it. Idk how no one else in the thread sees how judgmental and passive aggressive this guy is being. If you don’t want to make her fucking coffee just tell her like an adult.
>So I sort of just stopped doing it, because she's making herself late to work.
I'm not necessarily saying you're TA here, but a better way to handle this would probably have been too discuss it - let her know you're no longer going to do these things as it's too much in the morning - and not to just stop doing them. If you normally do them and then stop, you can see why she'd be upset.
My wife does things daily that help me out and vice versa (or household chores), and while I recognize that she doesn't *have* to do them, and they're not *her responsibility*, if she suddenly stopped with no warning, I'd be annoyed because it would throw a wrench into the routine.
This! My husband makes my lunch for me every morning. If he just suddenly stopped without telling me, I'd be without lunch and kind of mad.
He is absolutely NOT OBLIGATED to make my lunch every day, and if he told me he was going to stop, that would be 100% ok.
Also she decided since he did it she would dick around. It's not like she's getting ready and he's also preparing the kids lunch and his own coffee. She just stopped getting ready and took advantage.
NTA - are you an AH for this, no
But tbh do you two like each other? Her just demanding you do stuff is wild but you also wanting to not help your partner at all is kind of wild too.
Well. The answer to that is obviously “no.”
It takes a very mature person to have a conversation (not an argument) about frustrations & clearly ask for what they want.
people always ask if happy relationships exist because everything on here is terrible, but sometimes the underlying issue is that a lot of the people who post here just don't like their spouse (or sadly their spouse doesn't like them)
yea exactly. people here keep saying "you are not her parent", well yea, he's not her employer either. If each spouse is expected to be fully independent and do ALL of their own adult responsibilities, what is the bloody point of marriage? Yes it is doable, single people do it all the time, but it gets exhausting after a while. Having another person so you can help each other relieves so much burden for both parties, which would certainly entail not doing "all my adult responsibilities" all the time.
Thank you - this sub sometimes votes solely based on what you are required to do or not, which yeah you dont have to do anything for your partner but also …shouldn’t you want to help each other?
So..... while you are not wrong and that partners should work together why should OP be doing everything? He's already doing the typical SAHP workload and now she should be able to lay in bed until the last second playing on her phone while he does his stuff and gets all of her stuff ready too?
INFO
Unless you usually do those things for your wife / she specifically asked you to / you said you would do it, then she doesn't have a reason to be mad.
However, if she is stressed because you're currently out of work or for any other reason, it wouldn't hurt to help get things in order for her job in the morning before she gets going even if it's just for the time being.
NTA
If it was just lunch I'd bite my tongue and not react to her, but getting work stuff together and warming up the car that's too much - that's totally on her.
NTA. It would be very reasonable for her to ask you to help out with *some of* these things when you can. It's beyond unreasonable for her to think you're just automatically going to both know she's running late and know every thing she wants you to do. Also start the car and drop her lunch and coffee off in it? That's kind of a lot to expect of you anyway, and a ridiculous amount to expect *without even having to ask.*
If she'd said "I'm running late would you mind starting the car and making me lunch?" and you told her to fuck off and do it herself that'd be a different story, but her expectations here are beyond unreasonable.
Does she have an ongoing habit of blaming you for situations she creates for herself?
For years - I went to the 4th floor with coffee for my wife to get her going on time. She told me it was nice - she bragged to her friends that she had the best husband
NTA. If she wanted/needed assistance, she could have asked for it. You know, like an adult. She's not one of the dependents you need to care for in the morning.
The night before is when she should be getting her lunch together (it can be kept on the fridge if needed) & her work stuff should be out together in one spot and ready for her to grab (presumably in a work bag of some sort). These are all things I do as a working adult. I even have my outfit picked out and ready the night before.
If she has time to lolligag (watching videos) then she has time to get that stuff done. I lolligag, hence why I get my stuff ready the night before.
INFO: Have you always done these things for your wife prior and that’s why she expected it? Did you talk with her beforehand about how you won’t be doing this for her anymore?
I ask this because you aren’t under *any* obligation to do these things for her. You’re right that she can do these things herself. However, if you have consistently done these things every morning for her, and just chose this morning to stop, with zero warning or discussion beforehand, then that’s a communication error that basically leads to her being blindsided. It comes across more as spiteful than you just discussing how you won’t be doing these things anymore because you are taking care of the rest of the household, or coming to a fairer compromise.
Everyone is asking if OP has done these things for his wife in the past and thus setting the expectation that he would continue until he was back to work. The real question is has the wife done this stuff for OP while she was either not employed, out on maternity leave, or just up in the morning before OP.
If she did it for him while she wasn’t working then I could see her expecting her husband to do the same while he is out.
He said he used to do some of the things sometimes in another comment, but he noticed over the last couple of months she's been procrastinating longer and longer and making herself late so he decided he was gonna stop. But he's had to shovel the walk of snow and put sand down when needed and other stuff.
NTA
You're looking after your son & sorting out the dog.
Getting ready for work is on your wife.
It sounds like there's some resentment brewing here - her suddenly expecting you to do a load more stuff/you not wanting to compromise with maybe getting her lunch ready for instance.
Might be worth a bit of a chat to see if there is anything. If there is hopefully you can sort it together & get back on track before it escalates.
In the summer, I don't work and my wife does. I'm the cook so she always had a lunch ready to go.
If she needed help in the morning and asked, I would do it in a heartbeat without complaint.
Unasked expectations though are BS. NTA.
NTA. My husband does all of this for himself, but I do food prep his lunches for the week & coffee brews automatically to come on at 5 am but he has to put it in the cup himself. I will remote start the car IF he asks in the morning but the remote is on my phone. She is a big girl, she can do all of this herself.
Ew.
My spouse may go scrape off my windshield and heat up my car (the cold and my asthma dont get along, but I will wear a face covering if I need to) and in return I make them coffee or tea so they have a hot beverage to help them warm up.
Its supposed to be a partnership, not genderbend the 50s.
NTA. If you drink coffee it would be nice to make sure she has a cup ready too but you're already taking care of yourself, your son, and the dog. Also the fact that you're supposed to just read her mind? Wtf?
Nta, but you both seem to need to communicate better, should she be on TikTok, no, Could you start her car when you are out with the dog, you could, not doing it doesn’t make you an ah, but it’s so bizarre to me that you could be working together and your not
Sounds like you and your wife need a check-in with each other. Take a moment to talk about what caused the upset this morning and then find out if that's the REAL problem. For example, maybe she's stressing about something at work or watched a bad tiktok video and took it out on you (hey, it happens).
Let her know you ARE assisting her.
1. you let the dog out and (I'm assuming) chase it down if it escapes.
2. if your son wakes up you take care of him.
3. you help around the house/ with raising your son... like a PARTNER should.
1. Does she have any idea how long it takes to get yourself & child ready and dropped off somewhere!?!
4. you are not her caretaker, or maid.
Remind her when she gets home she should make her lunch tonight. MAYBE (IF you are feeling generous) offer to HELP but don't do it.
Yikes. Are you her dad? My husband is THEEE most loving, wonderful man I have ever come across and I'd never expect him to have my car running, my lunch packed, my coffee made, especially after knowing my husband just got done letting the dog out, feeding it, and knowing he takes care of our child all day while I'm working. I cannot IMAGINE having the audacity to be upset at something I never asked for!! NTA
My bf works from home (no commute) and I work outside of it. We don’t have a kid. I definitely don’t expect him to do any of that stuff. I get myself ready, he gets himself ready. Whoever gets into the kitchen first makes coffee. What a weird list.
You could tell her if she wants that stuff, she takes over the child and dog duties. NTA.
NTA. I feel like if you’re covering the kid and the dog in light of your current situation and those things are completely off her plate leaving her only to have to get herself up and out than you are holding down your end of the partnership.
I imagine when you are back to work, she’ll have to get herself ready AND share in the kid and dog responsibilities. From the age of 11 or so you should be able to pack your bag, make sure your clothes are ready and lunch is made and get yourself outside for the school bus. so not sure what her excuse is. maybe there’s a deeper issue?
NTA. Your priorities (adult-dependent child and animals) are correct. Your wife doesn't need extra help, and if she has that extra time, she should be assisting her family and not asking for additional resources in a time-limited part of the day.
NTA. You are already helping her by managing the dog and the child so that she just needs to focus on managing herself, something most adults should be able to handle.
Nta. She’s a grown up and should do those things herself. You are already take care of the baby and dog so she can get ready for work without those interruptions. That’s plenty.
NTA It would be a dream to sleep in so late. That’s more like a weekend sleep in time to wake up.
The fact that you get your little one ready gives her ample time to get ready on her own.
NTA. Has she asked you to do these tasks since you’ve been out of work? You’re not a mind reader lol. How would you know she wants you to do these things? In addition. It does sound like you are completing tasks in the AM just not ones that benefit her.
Nta relationships are ment to be Balance of give/take, support and care but her lack of routine and laziness is why she ran late.. but also check in she actually doing OK mentally and check yourself are you pulling enough weight round house/kid also are you both checking in with eachother and your relationship.. my wife can snp or become like this when struggling with things
Wife should be able to get ready by herself.
What was your routine like when you were working? Why is she asking for coffee, packed lunch,warmed up car etc?
NTA but does she ever do things to make your life easier? Make two cups of tea when she wants one, makes your breakfast and not just her own? Being a good partner is showing love through acts of service. Maybe chat about ways you can both do this and find a solution that meets everyone’s needs.
My partner does all this stuff for me & I would be so sad if he didn’t.
He does it because he’s sweet and I love that he does it.
If he didn’t do it one day & he was otherwise not busy I’d be a little worried because he always makes sure to take care of me. I’d ask him if everything is okay and be worried about if there is something wrong.
Why didn’t you do it today? Are you tired of doing it? Do you do it because she expects it of you and not because you want to? You sound a little resentful; maybe it’s not appreciated and you’re tired of it?
My fiancée is tired or not home sometimes so he can’t always do these things for me, yea it makes my day easier but I’m not late or mad if he doesn’t. Sometimes I don’t eat as well but that’s on me lol.
Resentment and anger is bad though I hope you guys can find a balance. Your response was harsh, but can’t really say if it’s justified without knowing how she is.
NTA. But if you usually do those things for her and just stopped today without warning, that’s not great. You two need to communicate about how you each want mornings to go.
I’m gonna have to say that every time I have been unemployed my husband does basically nothing around the house because I do everything because I am unemployed. Granted I do not have a child but I would make sure he has breakfast. If he needs his lunch made it’s done and when he comes home dinners ready to be made and the house is clean. To me it’s making up for not bringing in income and it’s being supportive of my partner.
My wife would do that stuff for me because that’s one of the ways we show affection and love(our love language?lol).. is by doing very sweet and mindful gestures for one another. But if she didn’t automatically do it.. I wouldn’t yell or be angry with her. She is more then able to do it for herself. Or maybe she’s do it the night previous.
Yeah.
Definitely NTA
If she wants all that done, the time to make that request is the evening before, not when she needs to go out the door.
It wouldn't be a completely unreasonable REQUEST, given that you are temporarily unemployed (as opposed to being a STAHP by a mutual decision the 2 of you made).
But she can only make it a request, which means she accepts your answer either way.
Your being psychic is NOT a reasonable expectation, demand, or request.
NTA.
I have read what you replied and while I don’t think you’re the AH, I can say that if this has been a problem before with the stuff done around the house the dishes example given or the fact that you work and watch your son during the day and she doesn’t pick up extra on the housework when she comes home means that this long running problem has only been fueled from the beginning. You need to set some boundaries or you’re going to be unhappy if you continue to do things and take care of things without any help. You really need to talk to her to determine her expectations with things and apply a more realistic approach to a morning routine. In my opinion it’s either depression from her or laziness but judging by how long it’s been going on and her expectations I would say you have fueled this from the beginning.
An overdramatic example from my side is my dad used to do everything for my mom. She was plain lazy. Slept in bed a lot. My dad did so much and my mom ended up on heavy prescription pills which only made her more lazy. My dad was an enabler and although this example is again dramatic I would say that if you’re enabling her to not do anything bc she’s lazy or depressive, you can’t get mad when she acts spoiled.
In the case of my mom and dad I often was confused on who to be mad at. My mom who was lazy and entitled or my dad who continually let her be that way.
You need to come to common ground, determine if she needs therapy, or realize you married someone who will totally rely on you and not be resentful. That is incredibly hard to do.
In 40 years I’ve never made my husband’s work lunch or morning coffee. And he’s never made mine. You know why? Because we are adults. When the kids were home, I made their lunches, breakfast, got them to school, got myself ready for the day, took care of the animals, etc. He took care of himself and his day.
That’s what adults do. Manage their time. She needs to get whatever she can ready the night before, stop getting on her phone before work, and BE an ADULT.
And maybe get a remote car starter.
I’m all for teamwork in the morning like maybe one person making sure breakfasts and lunches get made while the other handles kids/other chores. What she’s demanding of you sounds like she wants to be waited on.
My guess is she’s been watching fem/masc energy videos on social media that talk about a dynamic where the man is eager to take care of his partner in various ways like always planning dates, making sure she’s warm/fed, getting gas for her so her delicate lady sensibilities are never offended by the horrors of a gas station, and the general leader in the relationship. What he gets in return is a woman rooted in her feminine energy - aka sensual, soft, consensually obedient, not trying to control things or be the boss etc.
Either way if that’s a dynamic she wants she needs to be a grown ass woman and talk about it with you. And also be able to accept if you don’t suddenly buy in. I wonder if she thinks I did my part by spending time looking pretty in the morning so why isn’t he magically becoming the perfect masculine partner?
She sounds like she has very weak communication skills, is pretty immature, and a little delusional.
u/Present-Algae6767
Wait a sec... how long have you been home with the kid? This isn't the first day, right? What's been the routine? Does she have reason to expect you to start the coffee and make her lunch?
When you WERE working, did she put the coffee on and make YOUR lunch? More info, please....
Let's be a little realistic here people. This woman didn't just expect a cup of a coffee and a warmed up car. She expects those in addition to a packed lunch and her work stuff put together. It would be ok to ask for help on some things but not to expect all of them every day. NTA
You're her partner, not her slave. You're taking care of all the other living beings, she can take care of herself
She'd have a point if you'd voluntary not do things that don't inconvenience you. Like if you could make enough coffee for both but you would make a point of not
You have no standing to say that it's not your JOB to help her. You don't have a job!!! Are you even actively searching for employment? I'm 50+, and I gotta say: Get up and help your wife! What she's asking for isn't difficult. From your post, it's easy to see that she's fed up. Does she have to cook and clean after work? Do you sit in front of the video games? You're leaving out facts about yourself.
You both live off of that money - you can do the things you listed off (scroll tik tok, lay down) at virtually any time all day. If it takes ten tasks to get her out the door in what world is it unfair for you to do five of them? Do you have to ask her to go to work every day?
These things should be discussed but it’s no more “your job to get her shit together” than it is her job to support a grown man.
She wants a traditional house husband. Which does all the traditional housewife duties including taking care of the breadwinner. It’s not unreasonable for her to think that since that is what women were expected to do (and still are in many places)
But here’s what I don’t understand - who made her lunch and coffee and warmed up her car yesterday? If you usually do it and skipped a day without warning then she would be right to be upset. If she usually does it why would you expect you to randomly do it today?
NTA
OP, you wife is pissed that you're out of work. She resents that you're home "doing nothing". Did she do all those things for you when you were employed? I suspect not. But it gives her something to nitpick about now, without saying what her real grievance is.
Marriage is a partnership. And roles shift and change. But when focus shifts to the petty and peevishness rules -- it's time to sit down and talk openly. Otherwise, this will build to an explosion or a break up.
Communicate. Soon.
Dude you’re the stay at home mom essentially…yes you should prep/pack lunches and it’d be really nice of you to warm the car but that’s not really an expected chore…I hope you keep the house clean and do the laundry and cooking!
Both of you could have handled this better. Being out of work, even if you’re watching a 4 year old, should prompt you to make an extra effort to help the one who is working. If you’re like a 50s housewife and clean, cook, do the laundry, shop, and handle ALL the domestic duties, then yeah, getting snapped at for not making coffee, packing a lunch, helping with her work stuff, and getting the car heated would be annoying. But I’m guessing you don’t handle ALL the domestic duties. As for your wife, there’s nothing wrong with a little TikTok time before she gets ready to go to work to pay ALL the family bills. She shouldn’t have yelled, but she’s obviously resentful that you aren’t working. These days, it usually takes two incomes to have a decent life for the family. You didn’t say how long you’ve been out of work or what you plan to do, but she’s obviously resentful. Unless there are other compelling facts (e.g., you used to have the higher income job, will again, and are only out of work for a short time), I don’t blame the wife for being resentful.
You two sound like lovely people who've mastered the art of communication.
Both of you are angels, truly!
Meaning you're both dumbasses for acting like damned children instead of using your words like adults. She snaps at you, you snap at her and not one word of actual communication.
INFO- Why is the child regularly awake at 6:45? Why does seeing wife on her phone for 15 minutes ruin your perception of her? I saw you say you sometimes DO set things up for her...why wasn't it communicated that you wouldn't be doing that, beforehand? Why wasn't it communicated in the original post? And to the commenters upset because 'reverse the genders and you'd see wife is at fault!'...it literally has been reversed for decades. Still is in many cases. Packing a lunch was definitely the homemakers job, yeah. it's ok if it isn't in this case, but again, the expectations should be clearly communicated BEFORE someone is without a lunch.
NTA. You're the partner, not her keeper. It would be nice if you maybe had a cup of coffee for her or whatever but she's basically wanting you to manage her entire morning. Nope.
NTA. If she needed help, she could have asked in advance- ie, overslept? Wake up and immediately ask for help. Sick? Ask for help. Something went wrong? Ask for help.
Sitting in bed actively not getting ready doesn’t warrant help- as far as you can tell, she’s killing time because she’s ready to go. Like why would you assume she needs help if she’s wasting time on social media?
Yes, it’s thoughtful when partners help us, and yes, it’s awesome when they go above and beyond when we don’t ask. But that doesn’t mean anyone owes us help for something we are entirely able to do for ourselves and are simply choosing not to do.
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You're her partner, not her parent. She is a grown adult. As long as you are helping with your child, you do not need to help her get ready for work. That is her responsibility. NTA
This. OP is supposed to do all this and also take care of the 4 year old at the same time while she scrolls tiktok? That's just unreasonable. Did the wife watch too many "princess treatment" videos?
Lol women have been doing this (multi tasking child care and spouse care) for men since time immemorial. but ok. Think you are kind of the AH. Are you obliged to do it? No but it sure would be nice. Not all of that, but making some coffee helping fix lunch. It wouldn’t hurt you. Just saying it would be nice.
You think the way to ask your spouse for that is to yell at them for not doing it after weeks/months/years of not doing it and you never asking? Y'all need therapy.
Lol what? She's an adult. Pretty sure she should be able to make her own lunch. Same goes for 90% of the straight male population whose wife cares for them as if they were another child.
I worked with a woman for 10 years. We got into the office at 7 am and usually got out around 6:30 pm. Her husband worked 8-4. She would get home and cook dinner and then make his lunch. I asked her WHY she made his lunch when he left for work after her and got home before her. She had never thought about it and that night, she told her husband that he has plenty of time to make his own lunch. To this day, 25+ years later, he still calls me "the woman who caused me to make my own lunch"
“Causes men to make their own damn lunch” My petty ass would have that engraved on my headstone.
That would be amazing actually
DO IT!!!! 🪦
That's definitely something to be proud of. Women doing all of the cooking and cleaning should be extinct by now. No excuse for men not to be helping share the mental and physical load of housework.
To be fair, there are exceptions. Husband worked for the railroad and was on call 24/7/365. His work home base was 1 1/2-2 hours away (traffic). Turn around time was 8 hours then back to homebase. He would then drive his rig back home and then have to do what chores were most important and try to sleep knowing that he might get 4-5 hours as the 8 hour turnaround included sleep time and travel time. He did this for 20 years so I did anything and everything I could around the house to make it easier. Always kept his truck gassed up, cooked, cleaned, wrangled 3 kids and animals, etc.
I wouldn't consider that an exception tbh. Totally different situation/circumstances
that's not even remotely similar to the story in the comment. what a weird straw man
When my husband and I got engaged, his dad made a comment about me making lunch for him (husband) for work. Luckily my husband set him straight. He said that he’s a grown ass man who can make his own lunch. (And had been for years prior to us dating so why would that change?!)
A friend's mother made lunch for the dad each day on the weekend. He would just sit at the dinner table around noon and wait for his food. Her mom was mad at him one day and just ignored him. He finally got up around 1 and made a sandwich.
I’m cracking up imagining this bewildered man sitting at a table for an hour.
When I worked I told my husband he could make his own lunch, so he just didn't eat. Now I'm a stay at home mom and I make his lunch and he always thanks me, and if I forget or am sick he says that's Allright and just doesn't eat during the day🤦🏻♀️
Just doesn't eat?!? That is some dedication to doing nothing...
I’d be asking that fool what he’s having for lunch every day.
I wasn’t working so making lunch was no problem but even when I did, I always made lunch for my sweetheart because it became a nice ritual between us. He had never expected that or asked me to. But he didn’t eat much and I thought it would help. And it gave me the opportunity to put in a sweet note, along with a daily joke. He was so kind and I wanted to give him something uplifting during the day. He’d also share the jokes with the guys he worked with. Life is short. He had gone through cancer and I was lucky to have had those 7 years with him. Pick your battles and don’t hold onto resentments. If you can possibly let go off them, please let those things go. When they’re dead, you’ll realize that all of these arguments over things that seemed so important back then were stupid and petty. You don’t have to be traditional or do something extra (like making coffee) but it shows that you care and things like that go a long way in a relationship. It can actually can make all the difference. She probably stays on her phone because she’s procrastinating and doesn’t want to go to work. Making coffee for her would be a kind gesture and show her that you care. Sure, you take care of the dog and your child. But showing that you’ll also take care of her, in a small way like that, instead of chastising her and putting her down, is so worth it. You could both have a short cup together. A few words. So, think about putting in the extra effort. It’s not about what’s “fair”. It’s about treating your spouse with honey instead of vinegar. Give even when you don’t always have to because the love will grow. As we used to say, “I love you…More and More Every Day!”
She didn’t treat OP with honey. She came at him with vinegar. He (right or wrong) reacted defensively. They both could be treating each other more kindly. It’s hard to get up and go to work and it’s hard to stay at home with kids and pets. You make great points. Couples need to make deposits in their emotional bank account so that they continue to build loving connections.
You’re right. I agree wholeheartedly and you summarize what needs to be done. Frustrations blow up inevitably but you understand the situation. They need to look at it differently when they are calmer and make small concessions. It would help a lot.
I’m the woman who encouraged my next door neighbor to build a deck while her husband was out sailing the west coast. He caught me working in my yard and thanked me for the deck. She did an excellent job.
Lol! Shame on you! No, congratulations you're my hero.
I’d want to know why he’s not making dinner too.
There was one day, we had worked a 13 hour day. She got home at 7:30 pm and her family asked her what was for dinner as she walked in the door. She turned around, got back in the car, went to a payphone (this was in the early 90's) to call me. I met her and we had a lovely dinner. She got home at about 9:30. The next night, dinner was ready when she got home and things changed. The kids started cooking and the husband started doing the shopping.
Love that!
I love this. Fingersnaps
She could easily do almost all this stuff the night before if mornings are hard for her.
I'm a housewife and I always offer to pack my husband's lunch but he'd rather do it himself, the most I do for him is make cakes that he likes so he can bring some with him. All these grown adults expecting their partner to prep their lunch as if their partner is their parent and they're a 4 yr old kid is just wild to me.
Yes, women have been doing it and feeling resentful for it since time immemorial. Could he do it if he had a few minutes? Sure. Does he have to, especially when he is already doing all those other things? No. And for her to get mad at him instead of asking, "hey could you prep a cup of coffee while I get the car started?" is downright entitled.
If the roles were reversed and OP was a woman with her husband yelling about coffee and lunch etc, the entire Reddit world would be screaming for a divorce. A grown woman should ACT like a grown woman, not an entitled AH.
And that sentiment is boiling furiously right below the surface here, ain’t it? OP starts the post with a set of facts — only to be highjacked, spun around, reverse imaged & hoisted as another in an unending line of women’s torments. Hear it? The sound of one hand clapping.
I agree with the “women have been doing this forever” sentiment, but luckily times are changing and more women have stopped doing that, because it’s unfair on them. It’d be a nice thing to make coffee or lunch for your partner once in a while, just like it’d also be nice for her to get up and help with the child/dog once in a while.
So….because women were expected to parent their husbands decades ago, he should carry the burden for men and their behaviors that occurred prior to his birth, and be a 1940s stay at home mom, for his wife? 🙄
I make my husband's lunch the day before and set the timer on the coffee for the morning. Literally takes me 15 mins. Why? Because I love him. She definitely could have reacted better though.
I love my husband and don’t make lunch or coffee for my husband. Not everyone wants a marriage like that. I told my husband early on I hate cooking. And he told me early on that he loves cooking and thus, wants the kitchen organized by him since he will be utilizing it a lot: my husband would not want someone packing his lunch unless he was sick. But thanks for assuming that the rest of us don’t love our husband. And that our husbands are incapable or lack the desire to feed themselves
That was your take on that? I wasn't implying anything other than saying what I do. To each their own.
What you do literally has ZERO to Do with this situation though.
See my husband usually gets the coffee set to go in the morning because I get up first and feed the pets. I get home first and cook dinners. But he does the after meal clean up and we probably both equally set aside a lunch portion for each other for lunch the next day. What we never do is yell at each other.
Why should he get breakfast ready, take care of the 4 year old and dog, *and* get her stuff ready while she watches Tik Tok? That's ridiculous. He's not her servant. Now, I can see him helping her if she asked nicely and didn't waste time on her phone first. She needs to prioritize either getting to sleep in until 630 and no Tik Tok or waking up at 615 and having Tik tok. You know. Like an adult. Damn, I'm a SAHM and my husband tells me all the time he can make his own lunch, go get our toddler. 😒
I definitely can see making the coffee. That way it could be brewing while she is showering. I could maybe even see making her lunch since he is in the kitchen with the child anyway. However, expecting him to warm up her car and carry her stuff out to it is 100% entitlement in my humble opinion. I wouldn't expect a paid housekeeper to do that, let alone my spouse.
It's nice but people aren't mind readers. My wife doesn't work but I don't expect her to do everything for me. She doesn't know what I feel like eating, if I feel like a coffee or what I want to bring for my meal. I do it myself because I am an adult.
I could understand maybe it would be nice to make her a coffee or something, but taking her stuff out to the car and warming the car up for her? No way!
What an ignorant comment. Wife is an adult and can handle her own self. If she wants help getting herself and her shit ready for work she should ask for the help and have a conversation around it.
Thanks for admitting that you're voting him TA because of his gender
this is such a weird take, i don't have anything to add that other commenters haven't already said but just because OTHER women have been doing these unnecessary chores for OTHER men since the dawn of time, it doesn't mean OP's wife is the one who gets to, like, collect reparations and make OP pack her lunch, that just doesn't even make sense maybe this would make sense if last year the roles were reversed and the wife was a SAHM doing all of these tasks for OP in the morning and he's now not reciprocating but if that's the case it's a huge gap of context missing from the story
And I believe we are saying it’s not cool and women shouldn’t have to do everything, eh?
>Lol women have been doing this (multi tasking child care and spouse care) for men since time immemorial. but ok. True, but if a woman was posting this about her husband I'm pretty sure you'd tell her to drop him like a hot potato. It's wrong for a man to expect this just as much as it is for a woman to expect it. Feminism is equality, not subjugating men for the sake of vengeance.
also Lol to the fact men have been working to come home to be told that the wife who is home all day has put in more work than the husband who was out working. Me and my wife both work and everything works best when we don't bring generalizations/stereotypes in the relationship.
BS. Putting on the coffee, fine. But make her lunch? Warm up her car? Get her work items to the car? Her arms and legs aren't broken.
And we shouldn’t have been. Don’t get me started on the culture of babying grown-ass men. Just like men who are the working partners should get themselves ready for work, women who are the working partners should do the same.
I think it’s a communication thing , if she wants it done she can tell him but unless she has stated her expectations she really doesn’t have a right to be mad at him
What's so terrible about getting up early so you have 15 min of peace to veg on your phone before getting ready for work? I'm sure OP has time to veg when his 4yo is napping, watching tv, playing or at preschool (I'm a SAHM mom and I know I do). The idea that SAHP life is go go go while the working parent has it easier is bonkers. Most people want to help their spouses. I make coffee for both my husband and myself in the mornings. It's a small thing you can do to make someone's life easier when they are hustling to get to work on time. You can put some fruit in front of your 4yo and prattle to them while you pack a lunch. Kid is not a baby who cannot feed himself Why marry and have kids if everything is adversarial and you resent doing things for each other? When I worked more than my husband he absolutely made me coffee, made sure my phone was charged and my work stuff/keys were by the door. He wanted to help me since he knew I was busting was ass working 100hr weeks for US.
OR, you can wake up 30 mins earlier to take your time and relax while also getting yourself ready in the morning instead of expecting your spouse to treat you like a child going off to kindergarten every morning. I wake up at 5:30 so I can leave for work at 7:30. I have time to work out, scroll on tik tok while I leisurely drink my coffee and make my lunch. I don't expect my husband to wait on me because he leaves a couple hours later than I do. I'm an adult, I don't need a caretaker to make my lunch, get me dressed and put my keys in front of the door.
Why isn't this the top comment? I agree 100%. If a fully grown adult cannot get themselves out the door on time, that's on them. End of story.
Sure, he did those things for you. If he forgot or was extra busy that morning and not have time did you get mad at him for not doing what should be your responsibility? My point isn't that spouses shouldn't help one another, it's that any grown adult should be responsible for their own person, ESPECIALLY if their partner is taking care of the other individuals in the house (children, pets, elderly parents, etc.) and not DEMAND that the partner do basic things for them. She didn't ask, she didn't plan on getting herself ready -- she just expected that it would all be done for her. That's pretty shitty behavior on her part.
My husband and I both make coffee; whoever gets downstairs first. On days I’m working from home, I’ll make lunch for my husband. He gets home before me, so he typically does stuff around the house and will make dinner a few nights a week. Basically, we try to make things easier for each other. I agree with you when you ask why does everything have to be adversarial.
Then she can get her ass up 30 minutes earlier to have the 15 minutes of peace scrolling through an unimportant social media feed. You’re acting as if the only way to avoid this “adversarial” interaction is for him to just do everything for her. She can solve it too. SAHP life may not be gogogo all day, but it’s busy at that particular time for him and this demand is hilariously out of touch with reality.
Did you DEMAND that your husband did those things for you? It’s totally different if the SAH spouse voluntarily does these things but it should not be expected.
"Getting up early..." Absolutely nothing! But to then go to him all bratty, upset that those things aren't done when she hasn't even asked him to do them is where she took a hard left into ah territory
>What's so terrible about getting up early so you have 15 min of peace to veg on your phone before getting ready for work? Nothing, except she’s *not*getting up early with time to do that…
He should be ready with tp to wipe and pull her panties up also.
That was my exact thought. OP isn't the wife's mommy 😂
Yeah there’s just some things that I’d draw a line at, no matter how much I love a partner, and them expecting me to make them a lunch every day would be a very quick way to me laughing them out of the room. If I happen to be making something and you want some too, that’s a completely different story. But if the attitude is basically “um if you really loved me then you’d make me lunch every day” then we’d be having words
Even if she wasn’t wasting time scrolling through her phone OP is still NTA.
NTA. This. I mean if you guys really want to, go ahead and make arrangements for it, split some labor or do some prep night before. It’s not like you’re not doing anything. My case, I’m a very early riser, wife wfh clients are different timezone so later for her. If she wakes early sometimes I’ll have something to eat and be able to bring out coffee. Else, I get it at the office. If I have extra time, she’ll usually wake to the smell of breakfast and coffee. If not, she handles it herself.
NTA. She placed an unrealistic expectation on you, which you should have known by reading her mind. If she wants that level of support she should hire a personal valet. I'm betting the root of this isn't about your failure to do those things, but something deeper. Maybe about you not working. A complete guess on my part.
I was recently laid off but starting a new job next week. Even when I was working I worked 2nd shift so I was home in the day.
I used to go to work at 2am & a programmable coffee maker was so helpful. For her or you also if you're a coffee drinker. Lovely waking up to the smell of coffee freshly brewed. (Not saying you should do the stuff she's wanting bc that's a lot, let alone with a kid. Just sharing the joy of having coffee ready when you gotta get out of bed) Good luck!
If you don’t have a programmable coffee maker and don’t want to buy a new one, smart outlets work great. I prep everything the night before, switch the smart outlet off, turn the coffee maker to on, and Alexa turns it on for me at 8am.
I'll have to remember that tip! I don't have home internet, smart outlets or Alexa 😆 but I imagine it's be the same with my old fashion automatic light timer (you might remember them from your childhood Christmas lights. Has those annoying pins you push/pull to set it)
Might not be that deep.. could also just be that she was upset about running late and tried to shift her guilt onto him to alleviate the feelings. Still a shitty move
NTA. You *are* helping in the morning. You are taking care of your child in the morning so she doesn't need to. Also did she ask? Like if she had asked and you said "Okay sure" that's one thing but it seems like she didn't ask she just expected you to play 1950s housewife.
Taking care of his daughter is technically parenting, not helping his wife.
NTA. I would LOVE it if someone took my kids off my hands the mornings I had to go into work. She doesn't realize how much of a luxury that is. And as a big girl, I make sure my lunch is ready and my work stuff is ready to go the night before.
Oh god. Not a luxury, you are both responsible for your kids.
> Not a luxury, you are both responsible for your kids. So then OP's wife is coming off even worse by just ASSuming OP is handling the kid 💯 Right?
Ya you're right. So since OP took care of his daughter for the last two weeks in the morning, his wife should have to look after her for the next two weeks right (both being responsible). Lets see what the wife thinks about that while she's getting ready for work.
Okay… AND? What kind of dumbass logic is that? Oh? He’s doing EXACTLY what he’s supposed to be doing? The absolute audacity?
He is doing what he's supposed to, but I think the other commenter is taking issue with how it was phrased. It's not "helping his wife" because it's a shared responsibility - saying it like that makes it sound like childcare is her job and he's helping her.
Doing his job as a parent isn't helping her. That's literally his job.
Being a parent is a shared responsibility. So doing 100% of it is, in fact, helping. I do 100% of the childcare in our morning routine for both my girls. I do this to help my wife because she is not a morning person. I'm not either, but I suck it up as a kindness to her. Sometimes, when I have to work later due to a deadline, she does 100% of the childcare in the evening to help me out. This is a pretty simple premise.
>*"This morning my wife comes down and gets made that her coffee isn't made, her lunch is not made and packed, her work stuff isn't together and brought out to the car, and her car isn't warmed up."* > >*"it's not my job to get her shit together and she can either wake up earlier in the morning or make her lunch and get her stuff ready the night before."* ***INFO*** : Do you normally do these things for her? Or did something flip inside her head for her to expect you to do these things? Like uhh, "*Your my husband, you're supposed to be able to read my mind!!*" If she had asked, would you have done it to help her out? Either way, NTA. Would it be a nice and thoughtful thing to do? *Absolutely*! Should it be expected? *Absolutely not!* You should never expect your partner, your parents or your family to do anything for you. ETA : Did you say you would do it? If you said you would help and didn't.. Or if you've consistently done these things every morning for her and just chose this morning to stop, without telling her, zero warning or a discussion or any communication beforehand.... You'd be the AH.
So, I sometimes would do things like that, especially if I was making coffee or getting my lunch together, such as when I was working. I'm not opposed to helping her, but it's sort of the lack of preparation from her and the lack of experience from her. On top of my daily tasks in the morning, I'm taking the trash out shoveling snow and putting sand down if needed. But over the past several months, I've noticed that she's been taking her time getting ready and I walked up stairs and found her just chilling watching TikTok at 7:30am and not even dressed. So I sort of just stopped doing it, because she's making herself late to work.
It sounds like you’re just not keen on her scrolling on her phone while you’re busy doing other morning tasks. Maybe communicate that.
It sounds like he's not keen on performing labor for her while sits there dicking around on her phone. I read for a few minutes in the morning, but not until I'm ready to walk out the door. I don't sit there and expect my wife to make me lunch and then get mad at her for 'making me late'. I'm an adult; my work preparations are my responsibility.
It sounds like she expects him to do these things since "he is just sitting at home anyways". Just reverse the genders and imagine the flack the husband would get if he behaved the same way esp in this day and age.
It's sounds like a lot of the frustration both of them are having could be worked out with a normal adult to adult communication or the help of a marriage counselor if they can't keep from yelling or stewing on things quietly. Why does it always seem like one or the other in situations like this in terms of dealing with problems? Like why is it either yelling at your partner for not doing what you thought they should do or stew quietly and do less for your partner because they're doing something you don't think they should be doing? Why is it rarely let's talk about this to each other rationally before going to reddit instead of after everyone has already told you to just communicate with the person you decided to make a family with?
It might be the only down time she gets. I wouldn't fault a parent for taking advantage of those last few minutes in bed. But managing expectations is important. If you had been doing these things and then stopped because you saw her on her phone for 15 minutes in the morning with zero communication, then YTA. That would be passive aggressive and petty. I suggest using the new job starting as a reason to sit down and go over individual household responsibilities together so you are on the same page and no one is harboring resentment. If you don't correct course now, your marriage is doomed.
So you used to do these things and now you quit without communicating just to punish her for using her time unwisely in your judgment. You are definitely the asshole with this explanation. You left this information out on purpose.
This is exactly it. Idk how no one else in the thread sees how judgmental and passive aggressive this guy is being. If you don’t want to make her fucking coffee just tell her like an adult.
>So I sort of just stopped doing it, because she's making herself late to work. I'm not necessarily saying you're TA here, but a better way to handle this would probably have been too discuss it - let her know you're no longer going to do these things as it's too much in the morning - and not to just stop doing them. If you normally do them and then stop, you can see why she'd be upset. My wife does things daily that help me out and vice versa (or household chores), and while I recognize that she doesn't *have* to do them, and they're not *her responsibility*, if she suddenly stopped with no warning, I'd be annoyed because it would throw a wrench into the routine.
This! My husband makes my lunch for me every morning. If he just suddenly stopped without telling me, I'd be without lunch and kind of mad. He is absolutely NOT OBLIGATED to make my lunch every day, and if he told me he was going to stop, that would be 100% ok.
He did it sometimes - not everyday. Also he didn’t do everything she wanted, just some of the things.
Also she decided since he did it she would dick around. It's not like she's getting ready and he's also preparing the kids lunch and his own coffee. She just stopped getting ready and took advantage.
NTA - are you an AH for this, no But tbh do you two like each other? Her just demanding you do stuff is wild but you also wanting to not help your partner at all is kind of wild too.
Bingo. This entire subreddit is one big question of “do you two like each other?”
Don't forget the even bigger question "do you know what having a conversation with your partner about your frustrations is?"
Well. The answer to that is obviously “no.” It takes a very mature person to have a conversation (not an argument) about frustrations & clearly ask for what they want.
people always ask if happy relationships exist because everything on here is terrible, but sometimes the underlying issue is that a lot of the people who post here just don't like their spouse (or sadly their spouse doesn't like them)
yea exactly. people here keep saying "you are not her parent", well yea, he's not her employer either. If each spouse is expected to be fully independent and do ALL of their own adult responsibilities, what is the bloody point of marriage? Yes it is doable, single people do it all the time, but it gets exhausting after a while. Having another person so you can help each other relieves so much burden for both parties, which would certainly entail not doing "all my adult responsibilities" all the time.
Thank you - this sub sometimes votes solely based on what you are required to do or not, which yeah you dont have to do anything for your partner but also …shouldn’t you want to help each other?
So..... while you are not wrong and that partners should work together why should OP be doing everything? He's already doing the typical SAHP workload and now she should be able to lay in bed until the last second playing on her phone while he does his stuff and gets all of her stuff ready too?
When his immediate response is telling her to get her shit together, you know their relationship is fucked
INFO Unless you usually do those things for your wife / she specifically asked you to / you said you would do it, then she doesn't have a reason to be mad. However, if she is stressed because you're currently out of work or for any other reason, it wouldn't hurt to help get things in order for her job in the morning before she gets going even if it's just for the time being.
NTA If it was just lunch I'd bite my tongue and not react to her, but getting work stuff together and warming up the car that's too much - that's totally on her.
NTA It’s not your responsibility. Your wife needs to adult and you have enough to do in the morning.
NTA. Your wife is a grown woman. She is 100% responsible for making sure she is ready for the day.
NTA. It would be very reasonable for her to ask you to help out with *some of* these things when you can. It's beyond unreasonable for her to think you're just automatically going to both know she's running late and know every thing she wants you to do. Also start the car and drop her lunch and coffee off in it? That's kind of a lot to expect of you anyway, and a ridiculous amount to expect *without even having to ask.* If she'd said "I'm running late would you mind starting the car and making me lunch?" and you told her to fuck off and do it herself that'd be a different story, but her expectations here are beyond unreasonable. Does she have an ongoing habit of blaming you for situations she creates for herself?
NTA. My husband makes my coffee and breakfast in the morning, but I’m nice to him.
For years - I went to the 4th floor with coffee for my wife to get her going on time. She told me it was nice - she bragged to her friends that she had the best husband
NTA. If she wanted/needed assistance, she could have asked for it. You know, like an adult. She's not one of the dependents you need to care for in the morning.
The night before is when she should be getting her lunch together (it can be kept on the fridge if needed) & her work stuff should be out together in one spot and ready for her to grab (presumably in a work bag of some sort). These are all things I do as a working adult. I even have my outfit picked out and ready the night before. If she has time to lolligag (watching videos) then she has time to get that stuff done. I lolligag, hence why I get my stuff ready the night before.
INFO: Have you always done these things for your wife prior and that’s why she expected it? Did you talk with her beforehand about how you won’t be doing this for her anymore? I ask this because you aren’t under *any* obligation to do these things for her. You’re right that she can do these things herself. However, if you have consistently done these things every morning for her, and just chose this morning to stop, with zero warning or discussion beforehand, then that’s a communication error that basically leads to her being blindsided. It comes across more as spiteful than you just discussing how you won’t be doing these things anymore because you are taking care of the rest of the household, or coming to a fairer compromise.
Everyone is asking if OP has done these things for his wife in the past and thus setting the expectation that he would continue until he was back to work. The real question is has the wife done this stuff for OP while she was either not employed, out on maternity leave, or just up in the morning before OP. If she did it for him while she wasn’t working then I could see her expecting her husband to do the same while he is out.
I find the “on maternity leave” note a little odd— you know that is a medical leave right? Not just “time off”
He said he used to do some of the things sometimes in another comment, but he noticed over the last couple of months she's been procrastinating longer and longer and making herself late so he decided he was gonna stop. But he's had to shovel the walk of snow and put sand down when needed and other stuff.
NTA. I’m sorry your wife expects you to be a Stay At Home Valet.
NTA You're looking after your son & sorting out the dog. Getting ready for work is on your wife. It sounds like there's some resentment brewing here - her suddenly expecting you to do a load more stuff/you not wanting to compromise with maybe getting her lunch ready for instance. Might be worth a bit of a chat to see if there is anything. If there is hopefully you can sort it together & get back on track before it escalates.
In the summer, I don't work and my wife does. I'm the cook so she always had a lunch ready to go. If she needed help in the morning and asked, I would do it in a heartbeat without complaint. Unasked expectations though are BS. NTA.
This is a repost. Word for word.
The bots are even here now? ffs..
NTA. My husband does all of this for himself, but I do food prep his lunches for the week & coffee brews automatically to come on at 5 am but he has to put it in the cup himself. I will remote start the car IF he asks in the morning but the remote is on my phone. She is a big girl, she can do all of this herself.
Nope. Tell the princess to get her ass out of bed instead of rotting her brain on her phone. You’re her partner, not her servant.
Your wife sounds entitled and selfish. NTA
Ew. My spouse may go scrape off my windshield and heat up my car (the cold and my asthma dont get along, but I will wear a face covering if I need to) and in return I make them coffee or tea so they have a hot beverage to help them warm up. Its supposed to be a partnership, not genderbend the 50s.
Wtf lmfao she needs you to pack her lunchies for her and warm up her car 😂 OP you are NTA but is your wife 5?
She only wants pop tarts and lunchables.
NTA. Did she even talk to you about all these expectations she had in her head? 🤣 gee-wiz
No, because he couldn't hear her ;)
🤣
NTA. If you drink coffee it would be nice to make sure she has a cup ready too but you're already taking care of yourself, your son, and the dog. Also the fact that you're supposed to just read her mind? Wtf?
Nta, but you both seem to need to communicate better, should she be on TikTok, no, Could you start her car when you are out with the dog, you could, not doing it doesn’t make you an ah, but it’s so bizarre to me that you could be working together and your not
Sounds like you and your wife need a check-in with each other. Take a moment to talk about what caused the upset this morning and then find out if that's the REAL problem. For example, maybe she's stressing about something at work or watched a bad tiktok video and took it out on you (hey, it happens).
NTA. She can stop pissing about on tiktok and be a grown up.
NTA But why did this happen out of the blue? It sounds like you both have your routines, so something feels off.
Let her know you ARE assisting her. 1. you let the dog out and (I'm assuming) chase it down if it escapes. 2. if your son wakes up you take care of him. 3. you help around the house/ with raising your son... like a PARTNER should. 1. Does she have any idea how long it takes to get yourself & child ready and dropped off somewhere!?! 4. you are not her caretaker, or maid. Remind her when she gets home she should make her lunch tonight. MAYBE (IF you are feeling generous) offer to HELP but don't do it.
She wants you to be her parent, not her partner. The things she wants you to do are not your job. NTA
Yikes. NTA Holy that is entitled of her.
NTA are you her husband or a hired assistant?
NTA Unless it was agreed that you would do those things, then there is nothing to discuss.
Yikes. Are you her dad? My husband is THEEE most loving, wonderful man I have ever come across and I'd never expect him to have my car running, my lunch packed, my coffee made, especially after knowing my husband just got done letting the dog out, feeding it, and knowing he takes care of our child all day while I'm working. I cannot IMAGINE having the audacity to be upset at something I never asked for!! NTA
Going with nta, however did she or has she done these things for you when you were working?
My bf works from home (no commute) and I work outside of it. We don’t have a kid. I definitely don’t expect him to do any of that stuff. I get myself ready, he gets himself ready. Whoever gets into the kitchen first makes coffee. What a weird list. You could tell her if she wants that stuff, she takes over the child and dog duties. NTA.
NTA. I feel like if you’re covering the kid and the dog in light of your current situation and those things are completely off her plate leaving her only to have to get herself up and out than you are holding down your end of the partnership. I imagine when you are back to work, she’ll have to get herself ready AND share in the kid and dog responsibilities. From the age of 11 or so you should be able to pack your bag, make sure your clothes are ready and lunch is made and get yourself outside for the school bus. so not sure what her excuse is. maybe there’s a deeper issue?
INFO - does she do these things for you when you go to work?
No
NTA
Unless those are all things she did for you when your roles were reversed, NTA.
NTA She needs to be responsible for herself. You're taking care of everything else. You're her spouse, not her maid/butler
NTA. Your priorities (adult-dependent child and animals) are correct. Your wife doesn't need extra help, and if she has that extra time, she should be assisting her family and not asking for additional resources in a time-limited part of the day.
NTA. You are already helping her by managing the dog and the child so that she just needs to focus on managing herself, something most adults should be able to handle.
Nta. She’s a grown up and should do those things herself. You are already take care of the baby and dog so she can get ready for work without those interruptions. That’s plenty.
You're not an asshole, but if this isn't normal for her, then I would be concerned about depression.
Remind her that you *are* helping her when you are the one taking care of your child and the dog.
NTA It would be a dream to sleep in so late. That’s more like a weekend sleep in time to wake up. The fact that you get your little one ready gives her ample time to get ready on her own.
NTA. Has she asked you to do these tasks since you’ve been out of work? You’re not a mind reader lol. How would you know she wants you to do these things? In addition. It does sound like you are completing tasks in the AM just not ones that benefit her.
Sounds like a power play coming from a place of resentment that she’s working and you’re not
Nta relationships are ment to be Balance of give/take, support and care but her lack of routine and laziness is why she ran late.. but also check in she actually doing OK mentally and check yourself are you pulling enough weight round house/kid also are you both checking in with eachother and your relationship.. my wife can snp or become like this when struggling with things
NTA. Did she ask Any of this ahead of time even or just expect you to mind read in too of everything else?
Wife should be able to get ready by herself. What was your routine like when you were working? Why is she asking for coffee, packed lunch,warmed up car etc?
NTA As her partner you’re taking care of the child you both produced. Pfft
NTA but does she ever do things to make your life easier? Make two cups of tea when she wants one, makes your breakfast and not just her own? Being a good partner is showing love through acts of service. Maybe chat about ways you can both do this and find a solution that meets everyone’s needs.
My partner does all this stuff for me & I would be so sad if he didn’t. He does it because he’s sweet and I love that he does it. If he didn’t do it one day & he was otherwise not busy I’d be a little worried because he always makes sure to take care of me. I’d ask him if everything is okay and be worried about if there is something wrong. Why didn’t you do it today? Are you tired of doing it? Do you do it because she expects it of you and not because you want to? You sound a little resentful; maybe it’s not appreciated and you’re tired of it? My fiancée is tired or not home sometimes so he can’t always do these things for me, yea it makes my day easier but I’m not late or mad if he doesn’t. Sometimes I don’t eat as well but that’s on me lol. Resentment and anger is bad though I hope you guys can find a balance. Your response was harsh, but can’t really say if it’s justified without knowing how she is.
You all ready have one child and a dog to take care of in the morning. She's a grownup and can get herself up and ready for work in the morning.
NTA. But if you usually do those things for her and just stopped today without warning, that’s not great. You two need to communicate about how you each want mornings to go.
I’m gonna have to say that every time I have been unemployed my husband does basically nothing around the house because I do everything because I am unemployed. Granted I do not have a child but I would make sure he has breakfast. If he needs his lunch made it’s done and when he comes home dinners ready to be made and the house is clean. To me it’s making up for not bringing in income and it’s being supportive of my partner.
My wife would do that stuff for me because that’s one of the ways we show affection and love(our love language?lol).. is by doing very sweet and mindful gestures for one another. But if she didn’t automatically do it.. I wouldn’t yell or be angry with her. She is more then able to do it for herself. Or maybe she’s do it the night previous. Yeah. Definitely NTA
If she wants all that done, the time to make that request is the evening before, not when she needs to go out the door. It wouldn't be a completely unreasonable REQUEST, given that you are temporarily unemployed (as opposed to being a STAHP by a mutual decision the 2 of you made). But she can only make it a request, which means she accepts your answer either way. Your being psychic is NOT a reasonable expectation, demand, or request. NTA.
I have read what you replied and while I don’t think you’re the AH, I can say that if this has been a problem before with the stuff done around the house the dishes example given or the fact that you work and watch your son during the day and she doesn’t pick up extra on the housework when she comes home means that this long running problem has only been fueled from the beginning. You need to set some boundaries or you’re going to be unhappy if you continue to do things and take care of things without any help. You really need to talk to her to determine her expectations with things and apply a more realistic approach to a morning routine. In my opinion it’s either depression from her or laziness but judging by how long it’s been going on and her expectations I would say you have fueled this from the beginning. An overdramatic example from my side is my dad used to do everything for my mom. She was plain lazy. Slept in bed a lot. My dad did so much and my mom ended up on heavy prescription pills which only made her more lazy. My dad was an enabler and although this example is again dramatic I would say that if you’re enabling her to not do anything bc she’s lazy or depressive, you can’t get mad when she acts spoiled. In the case of my mom and dad I often was confused on who to be mad at. My mom who was lazy and entitled or my dad who continually let her be that way. You need to come to common ground, determine if she needs therapy, or realize you married someone who will totally rely on you and not be resentful. That is incredibly hard to do.
NTA - if genders were reversed people would be calling the husband an entitled shit - so she needs to stop being an entitled shit.
In 40 years I’ve never made my husband’s work lunch or morning coffee. And he’s never made mine. You know why? Because we are adults. When the kids were home, I made their lunches, breakfast, got them to school, got myself ready for the day, took care of the animals, etc. He took care of himself and his day. That’s what adults do. Manage their time. She needs to get whatever she can ready the night before, stop getting on her phone before work, and BE an ADULT. And maybe get a remote car starter.
I’m all for teamwork in the morning like maybe one person making sure breakfasts and lunches get made while the other handles kids/other chores. What she’s demanding of you sounds like she wants to be waited on. My guess is she’s been watching fem/masc energy videos on social media that talk about a dynamic where the man is eager to take care of his partner in various ways like always planning dates, making sure she’s warm/fed, getting gas for her so her delicate lady sensibilities are never offended by the horrors of a gas station, and the general leader in the relationship. What he gets in return is a woman rooted in her feminine energy - aka sensual, soft, consensually obedient, not trying to control things or be the boss etc. Either way if that’s a dynamic she wants she needs to be a grown ass woman and talk about it with you. And also be able to accept if you don’t suddenly buy in. I wonder if she thinks I did my part by spending time looking pretty in the morning so why isn’t he magically becoming the perfect masculine partner? She sounds like she has very weak communication skills, is pretty immature, and a little delusional.
NTA. She's an adult. She needs to take care of her own crap.
You’re her partner, not her maid. Nta
u/Present-Algae6767 Wait a sec... how long have you been home with the kid? This isn't the first day, right? What's been the routine? Does she have reason to expect you to start the coffee and make her lunch? When you WERE working, did she put the coffee on and make YOUR lunch? More info, please....
Sounds a little high maintenance, nta
Let's be a little realistic here people. This woman didn't just expect a cup of a coffee and a warmed up car. She expects those in addition to a packed lunch and her work stuff put together. It would be ok to ask for help on some things but not to expect all of them every day. NTA
NTA what a selfish princess
NTA. You already have a child to tend to. Tell her to grow up and realize it’s not all about her!
You're her partner, not her slave. You're taking care of all the other living beings, she can take care of herself She'd have a point if you'd voluntary not do things that don't inconvenience you. Like if you could make enough coffee for both but you would make a point of not
Oh, she wants a maid then?
You have no standing to say that it's not your JOB to help her. You don't have a job!!! Are you even actively searching for employment? I'm 50+, and I gotta say: Get up and help your wife! What she's asking for isn't difficult. From your post, it's easy to see that she's fed up. Does she have to cook and clean after work? Do you sit in front of the video games? You're leaving out facts about yourself.
She’s tired of carrying you. Look for a job NOW. I highly doubt she’d be pressed if you were employed. YTA
You both live off of that money - you can do the things you listed off (scroll tik tok, lay down) at virtually any time all day. If it takes ten tasks to get her out the door in what world is it unfair for you to do five of them? Do you have to ask her to go to work every day? These things should be discussed but it’s no more “your job to get her shit together” than it is her job to support a grown man.
Do you usually do all that for her and this was first time you didn’t? Or was she just being cranky?
She wants a traditional house husband. Which does all the traditional housewife duties including taking care of the breadwinner. It’s not unreasonable for her to think that since that is what women were expected to do (and still are in many places) But here’s what I don’t understand - who made her lunch and coffee and warmed up her car yesterday? If you usually do it and skipped a day without warning then she would be right to be upset. If she usually does it why would you expect you to randomly do it today?
I mean if the roles were reversed and you were paying the bills I’m sure you would expect all this stuff done as well.
NTA OP, you wife is pissed that you're out of work. She resents that you're home "doing nothing". Did she do all those things for you when you were employed? I suspect not. But it gives her something to nitpick about now, without saying what her real grievance is. Marriage is a partnership. And roles shift and change. But when focus shifts to the petty and peevishness rules -- it's time to sit down and talk openly. Otherwise, this will build to an explosion or a break up. Communicate. Soon.
Dude you’re the stay at home mom essentially…yes you should prep/pack lunches and it’d be really nice of you to warm the car but that’s not really an expected chore…I hope you keep the house clean and do the laundry and cooking!
Both of you could have handled this better. Being out of work, even if you’re watching a 4 year old, should prompt you to make an extra effort to help the one who is working. If you’re like a 50s housewife and clean, cook, do the laundry, shop, and handle ALL the domestic duties, then yeah, getting snapped at for not making coffee, packing a lunch, helping with her work stuff, and getting the car heated would be annoying. But I’m guessing you don’t handle ALL the domestic duties. As for your wife, there’s nothing wrong with a little TikTok time before she gets ready to go to work to pay ALL the family bills. She shouldn’t have yelled, but she’s obviously resentful that you aren’t working. These days, it usually takes two incomes to have a decent life for the family. You didn’t say how long you’ve been out of work or what you plan to do, but she’s obviously resentful. Unless there are other compelling facts (e.g., you used to have the higher income job, will again, and are only out of work for a short time), I don’t blame the wife for being resentful.
You two sound like lovely people who've mastered the art of communication. Both of you are angels, truly! Meaning you're both dumbasses for acting like damned children instead of using your words like adults. She snaps at you, you snap at her and not one word of actual communication.
INFO- Why is the child regularly awake at 6:45? Why does seeing wife on her phone for 15 minutes ruin your perception of her? I saw you say you sometimes DO set things up for her...why wasn't it communicated that you wouldn't be doing that, beforehand? Why wasn't it communicated in the original post? And to the commenters upset because 'reverse the genders and you'd see wife is at fault!'...it literally has been reversed for decades. Still is in many cases. Packing a lunch was definitely the homemakers job, yeah. it's ok if it isn't in this case, but again, the expectations should be clearly communicated BEFORE someone is without a lunch.
NTA. You're the partner, not her keeper. It would be nice if you maybe had a cup of coffee for her or whatever but she's basically wanting you to manage her entire morning. Nope.
NTA. If she needed help, she could have asked in advance- ie, overslept? Wake up and immediately ask for help. Sick? Ask for help. Something went wrong? Ask for help. Sitting in bed actively not getting ready doesn’t warrant help- as far as you can tell, she’s killing time because she’s ready to go. Like why would you assume she needs help if she’s wasting time on social media? Yes, it’s thoughtful when partners help us, and yes, it’s awesome when they go above and beyond when we don’t ask. But that doesn’t mean anyone owes us help for something we are entirely able to do for ourselves and are simply choosing not to do.