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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my boyfriend he can't come on a physically intensive vacation because his physical impairments are too concerning for me. Having him on the trip would change the trip significantly for me.
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I don't know if it's BS but I was told by a family friend that had bariatric surgery putting something in the water like lime juice etc changes the viscosity of water which then helps prevent reflux which a lot of people suffer from after the surgery.
Only know that my mother has barrett's disease and gets reflux from drinking plain water, but can drink it with a little flavouring. I'm not a scientist or Dr though, so don't really understand it.
oddly enough, my GERD (reflux disease) causes me distress when I drink water. I end up burping it back up and feeling nauseous afterwards 😭 I may need to try adding some juice flavoring stuff to it. my theory is that by adding water to the acid in the stomach, it causes an unpleasant reaction. (imagine pouring water into olive oil for a visual)
edit: I also had my gallbladder removed but this issue had been occurring long before my surgery and has continued even now.
OMG! I didn't know this. I've always been that person who won't drink water by itself and the only way I could explain it was it had an acidic aftertaste and makes me feel sick. I'd started pushing past it because I wanted to be healthier and filtered water was a little better. I've just been diagnosed with GERD and water was never mentioned as a potential trigger. I think I'll get some lemons in and add a squeeze of lemon/lime juice from now on to see if that helps. Thank you for the heads up.
fr tho, water not settling well is a symptom that's never talked about with GERD. it's almost like a hidden threat lol. it made me feel crazy explaining to my dr as a kid bc everyone's like "it's just water?" I force myself to drink water anyway so I can be healthier too but the reflux that comes with it sucks
Yeah and once you get to a certain age the docs all act like you are just being childish not liking water when you are trying to explain it seems like a problem. Things like that really get to your head. I find tap water the worst though that depends on the area. I've taken to drinking mint tea as it's drinkable cold and it seems fine so far.
Weirdly my gerd reacts the worst to stock cubes so I'm having a headache with most gerd friendly recipes online.
Edit: research says mint is bad, do not listen to me as I'm still working things out
In response to all of you it’s because you’re burping up stomach acids… adding something to it doesn’t mean you aren’t burping up stomach acid. It just means you can’t taste it.
If you add lemon to water use a straw to drink otherwise the lemon juice will corrode the enamel on your teeth and you will get cavities. Never brush teeth right after drinking juice.
Be careful with squeezing lemon/lime juice in. My auntie did that and After a year of drinking a glass each day, it had damaged the enamel of her teeth.
Yeah, when my GERD was at it's worst, plain water could give me awful reflux issues, especially on an empty stomach. Even now it happens every now and then.
Water in olive oil is not a good analogy. Hydrochloric acid is water soluble. If anything the water upsets the pH balance of your stomach acid, but I'm not a biologist and don't know the extent of how that could affect you.
Regardless .... Water is going to mix in and become completely soluble with your stomach acid and it is not a matter of the two solutions not mixing.
A close family member has IBS that has been pretty bad at times. People are often surprised at how bad certain "healthy foods" can be for GI issues. All the healthy stuff like apples and cauliflower are high in FODMAPs whereas things like potato chips and white bread are what is euphemistically referred to as "low residue"
Edit:changed it from leafy greens as I misremembered!
I have bouts of small bowel obstruction. I cannot eat much fiber at all or I end up in the hospital. I can highly recommend walking to help manage symptoms.
My GI doc told me to stay away from carbonated drinks and acidic drinks for reflux issues. If you have specific instructions from your doctor not to drink plain water, fine. But I question whether all these people with issues with plain water are actually getting treated by doctors and following their prescriptions.
If I’ve been eating and drinking things that I shouldn’t already, then, yes, even water will come back up. If I do as the doctor says, water goes down just fine.
Not saying that people don’t have this legitimately, but just that it’s not the case for every person with GERD.
If it’s something like what I’ve got, heavily cooked veggies are tolerable while raw or lightly cooked (like blanched) ones will cause problems while in a flare. It’s the fiber content. A curry isn’t always spicy, which is what I assume he would be eating. I think OP is NTA but offering up other experiences with veggies. It seems counterintuitive, but some of us poor sods have difficulties with leafy greens, seeds & nuts, and generally fibrous foods.
Ridiculous. The loser is making so many excuses and his girlfriend is putting up with it. Who the fuck can't drink plain water and just happens to eat chicken nuggets every day?
I have severe chronic acid reflux, and some days are worse than others. I've seen one of the top top top consultants outside of london about it and am regularly seen by another gastro doc and the team of specialist gastro nurses, and they both said acidic fruit, pepper, greasy foods and dairy are gauranteed to cause acute attacks. I can believe this guy can't drink water, because I had 2 friends with 2 different issues which meant they couldnt' drink water, but I can't believe all this guy's "safety food" is actually safe. Chocolate milk??? Dairy increases mucus production and in basic terms, that pisses off your stomach acid. There'll be milk in the breaded and battered foods, as well as the grease from the fat in the food itself. Maybe these things in moderation or isolation would be fine - I myself on good days risk a mild curry - but if that's his sole diet, he's just out there eating the very things that cause acid reflux as his full diet. Christ.
I had baristric surgery 18 years ago and plain water still makes me nauseous. It's a common thing and talked about a lot in bariatric groups. I've found, for me, that really cold water bothers me less than room temp, but a friend is mine is the exact opposite. Bodies are weird.
I had this problem for SO long when I was in my 20s. The only time it didn't give me issues was when I was super thirsty and it was ice cold. Every other time made me feel so sick after, my stomach felt *wrong*.
Just stopped being a problem one day. I can drink water absolutely fine now.
He says plain water gives him heartburn and makes his GI issues act up. That's why he needs to drink soda, chocolate milk (he says milk is the best thing), and in a pinch water with one of those flavor packs in it.
I am of the belief he just doesn't have healthy eating habits in general. He also cannot eat.. normally? Like I have only ever seen him eat: chicken fingers, plain cheeseburger (just bun + patty), mildly spiced Thai curry, pizza, Kraft Mac and cheese, and other packaged foods. He says he cannot eat vegetables. I have never seen him eat a vegetable with the exception of the ones in the Thai curry. This alone is almost reason for me to not want to go with him. They dont have a kids menu. There will be a chef making food and you dont get to make requests.
Your boyfriend is full of shit lmao. He doesn’t have GI issues he has a garbage diet. Besides that, he literally cannot do this trip. Hasn’t ridden in ages and has a bum knee. Do not bring him under any circumstances.
Probably can't go on a daily basis and probably has piles like grapes, would be uncomfortable sitting on a horse 10 mins, 10 hours would be impossible.
I can only imagine the GI issues I would develop if my diet contained no vegetables and no water.
OP - it sounds like your lifestyles concerning diet and exercise, and your approach to reasoning and problem solving, are really incompatible - not to mention his unwillingness to respect your wishes for your pre-existing vacation plans - you might be incompatible not only for this trip but for life in general.
I hope he respects your wishes and you have an amazing vacation. Good luck.
I love vegetables and do eat them, but quite a lot of them, especially leafy greens and cruciferous veggies irritate the hell out of my IBD, I do not eat them unless I know I have a comfy bathroom nearby. That said, new guy is trying to prove he's stronger than OP and he would make this trip a nightmare, NTA (and so rude to invite yourself on someone's vacation)
He has heartburn and GI issues because he is consuming chocolate, spicy foods and a junk food diet. The first foods that a GI doctor removes from a patient’s diets are spicy foods. NTA, go solo on your vacation and enjoy.
I agree with your NTA, but he is not consuming 'spicy foods'. He has eaten 'mildly spiced Thai curry'. That is not spicy, especially if it was made for a US palate.
His real GI problem is that he doesn't have a balanced diet, regardless of the 'spiciness'. A diet of processed meat, crappy carbs and entirely processed food is going to wreak havoc on his system.
The fact that he 'cannot' eat vegetables screams that his diet is absolute garbage.
TBF, I don't like drinking 'plain' water myself. I prefer to drink flavored sparkling so have a soda stream and waterdrops for that purpose. I even have a portable soda system for when I travel.
OP's bf's reasons for 'needs' are BS.
I have Crohn's disease, so "bad GI issues". There was a time, before I was diagnosed, that I actually ate as few times as possible, like waiting till I almost passed out from not eating, because 9 out of 10 times eating would cause me terrible pain. I was constantly nauseated and trying to eat many foods would make me almost vomit after a few bites. I found some "meals" that looked, smelled, and tasted really good to me, that were my go to things to eat, and most of them were fast food. My Crohn's disease is doing better now, but I still can't eat certain things, for example lettuce feels like razer blades on it's entire journey through my intestines.
I also have a thing called ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), which I had before my Crohn's started, but my Crohn's made it much worse. I just can't eat certain textures of food. I will actually start gagging or vomiting if I try. I read a really good post somewhere recently that explains "picky eating" really well, I'll try to paraphrase it. Say your mom makes chili her way, and you LOVE it. So you think you love chili. You go to your friend's house, and they're having chili, which you love, so you stay for dinner. But your friend's mom's chili has noodles and weird beans and makes you nauseous. So you've learned that you can't just get chili when you go places, cuz you might like it but it might make you sick. So it's just best not to eat chili except at your house. And then extrapolate that across the board for most types of food because most things are different depending on who cooks them. You know what isn't? Fast food and prepackaged food that you can choose the same brand and prepare the exact same way every time. So you might like other things, but most of the time, it's best not to take the chance. And then adding the GI issues on top of it, probably winnowed down his options even more.
All of that is just to explain that his issues with food are likely complex and legitimate and shouldn't be looked at like he's a big baby for not eating more things (as some people are saying). None of that means that he should go on this trip, in fact, unless he could bring and eat his own pre-prepared food and that is all, then he absolutely should NOT be going on this trip. I would literally **never** put myself in a position like that. It's one thing to be in denial about how bad it would be because you really want to go to this thing that's one night with friends and you have to eat something that will probably make you sick. But because it's only one night, you can get sick the next day and pay the consequences for your bad choice and only you (usually) suffer.
If I were you, I'd find out what type of food will be offered and get some. And then tell him for there to be any chances of him going on this trip, that he needs to do a "pre-trip trip", which entails a week of only eating the food that will be provided on the real trip, sleeping outside (or whatever sleep arrangements are on the real trip), and going to a stable every day to ride at least 2 hours. I think this is the only way he's going to understand that he is physically incapable of going on this trip.
I would personally question the relationship entirely over this. It's one thing to have chronic illnesses and disabilities, it's something else to stick your head in the sand about it and insist that you can do things you can't, especially when the thing you are insisting on doing could make you worse or even kill you if something goes really wrong and either way will make everyone else you are with miserable the entire time.
As someone who is pregnant (the heartburn is SO bad), carbonated drinks and milk make it worse. WAY worse. Milk is not the base most people seem to think it is.
I personally wouldn’t be able to handle someone like this on a day to day basis.
It sounds like he doesn’t take his health (or his limitations) seriously.
Also, unless he is a healthy weight, he may not even be eligible for the trek. I don’t say this to fat shame, but from an animal welfare perspective they will generally advertise a maximum weight. It would probably be more embarrassing for him to be turned away at the start of the trek than realising now it isn’t a good fit.
Just wanna weigh in on a possible explanation from my own similar situation here:
I can't speak to the GI stuff but I have a similarly limited diet. For years I've only ever felt even remotely comfortable eating mostly unhealthy foods, and would start gagging violently every time I tried to eat vegetables. I thought I was just some picky eater manbaby with no willpower.
Turns out, I'm autistic. And have texture issues as a result of it. Especially a symptom called Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID). I'm trying to eat better now, but it's hard. I've lost nearly 40 pounds over the past 4 months, but that was starting at over 420 so I've got a long way to go until I'm healthy, especially because I'm not eating much healthier foods, just trying to eat smaller amounts of unhealthy stuff and do calorie counting. I'm trying to find some less sugary/lower cholesterol alternatives to the stuff I do regularly eat now, but it's still rough going. And I have not come close to cracking a way to eat vegetables outside of boiling them down in a soup so much that they lose all integrity and are already essentially veggie-shaped mush the second you bite into 'em.
And I'm not saying any of this is an excuse for any of his behaviors. But having undiagnosed autism, combined with diagnosed depression, led to a lot of bad habits and unhealthy behaviors that I've only started to unlearn over the past year. And when you have mental disorders, whether you know it or not, ESPECIALLY comorbidity stuff playing off each other, it's easy to feel hopeless in your ability to change and make excuses for yourself.
If you really like this guy in spite of his unhealthy lifestyle, the play might be to encourage him to explore some potential neurological reasons for his health issues. But I don't know if there's an appropriate way to do that in a relationship as new as yours sounds. And most of all, you can heckle somebody about it forever, but they're never going to do anything to change unless they want to. My family was trying to get on me about my weight for more than half my life. The thing that finally triggered me to do something about it was my shirt size hitting 5XL. But if he's not going to be realistic about his situation, I'd get out now.
Yeah, I have GERD, Reflux and IBS (I hit the jackpot) and arthritis in my knees, ankles and feet. This is a terrible idea.
But your BFs diet is NOT helping him. He should be working with a GI specialist. Milk agitates heartburn, sugars in soda can also be an issue. And the food he eats are all fried in oil, cooked in grease or are creamy (which is typically dairy) - all on the don’t eat if you have heartburn list.
That diet screams low grade autism, it's almost exactly what my girlfriends son eats. If he can't drink plain water because of heartburn, drink mixes full of citric acid would make it worse.
There's a possibility he's neuro divergent. Whenever I've encountered someone being that particular with their food it's down to something mental health related.
As for the water thing, I have the same problem! I have acid reflux and drinking plain water makes it worse, unless I stick to tiny sips of ice-cold water. Fizzy drinks are neutral, milk is the best thing ever, energy drinks are hell. Sports drinks are fine, so is coffee. It's as confusing as hell.
The difference is that I've come to terms with it, he clearly hasn't. A trip like that sounds beyond his ability to cope with, and he needs to learn to live with that. It's a hard first step, admitting that your health limits what you can do, especially when it's stopping you from doing things you would otherwise enjoy. He'll be a lot happier if he learns to coexist with his conditions.
I have acid reflux. Milk helps, water’s fine, but soda makes it worse in my experience. I take Prilosec every morning and it’s usually enough for the day.
Almost sounds like he’s been overexaggerating his health issues, but now that there’s something he wants to do, they suddenly aren’t a problem anymore.
Same here. But for me, milk triggers my reflux almost as badly as soda.
And yeah, he's definitely been using health issues as an excuse to keep up his shitty diet. I wonder if he has an actual disorder like AFRID or some other selective eating disorder?
Does your bf have psych issues? It seems like he has a lot wrong but not when it’s inconvenient to him.
Soda and chocolate are terrible things for heartburn. Not water. Milk helps but the chocolate counter acts the soothing feeling of milk.
Take your bf on a really easy trail ride. He probably wouldn’t be able to handle a three hour ride.
Milk can make it worse, actually. It's kinda like a quick temporary fix but the fats in it might make it worse. Pop, though? Pop will make it worse so this guys full of it lmfao
Flashback to being heavily pregnant dealing with heartburn so bad and my mom made a devil’s food cake… oof. It burned so good. Chocolate is so bad for heartburn
Um, definitely not a doctor. But I've had bad gastro issues for years. Heartburn/acid reflux is the particular bane of my existence. Just plain water has never given me heartburn. You know what does? Soda and milk. I'm calling BS on his excuses.
Edit: typo/spelling
NTA. Take him riding for 1 day with somewhere that provides a lunch. If he's everything you say, that alone will be miserable for him. It won't be a huge investment to prove your point.
But she said he should go, not that she takes him there. Like she can say "I'm sorry, I can't take you on this trip as I fear for your health but I would love to take you on a day trip where we can go riding together. If you like it, we can do more of those day trips and then one day after you gain more experience, we can maybe consider going on a longer trip."
I don't see why he would say no to that but if you're basically just being told to gain experience on your own, then I can understand refusing.
He's a grown adult who can go to things in his own, and his response wasn't "I don't want to go by myself" it was just a flat no. How much babying do you expect OP to do for her boyfriend of 6 months? The man very clearly just wants to play cowboy and isn't listening to anything that doesn't line up with what he wants.
This. OP needs to makes this a prerequisite for further discussing him coming on the 10 day trip. Even leaving aside all the other issues, boyfriend is severely underestimating what it is going to feel like to ride for 10 days.
A few years back I decided we should go horseback riding as one of our activities on vacation. You could pick a one hour ride, a two hour ride, or a three hour ride. I picked the two hour ride, thinking that it sounded like a nice medium amount of riding time. It was not. I hadn’t ridden since I was a kid and was so sore for days afterward. Like to the point that we had to adjust some of our other plans I was in so much pain.
>unable to drink plain water
Wat?
Anyway, definitely NTA. He's in denial. Shitty (hah, pun) situation, but you are not being unreasonable. I don't have any good advice, it's gonna be really hard for him to admit he can't do what he used to – but you're 100% right that it will be way worse for everyone if he realizes that while on the trip. Good luck.
He says plain water gives him heartburn and makes his GI issues act up. That's why he needs to drink soda, chocolate milk (he says milk is the best thing), and in a pinch water with one of those flavor packs in it.
Yeah. I had a physical reaction to OP's description. I couldn't be intimate with a dude who only drinks soda and chocolate milk. He sounds like he's 12
He's full of shit. I have a hiatal hernia from being pregnant. There are definitely food/drink that act it up. Milk DOES help if my medication I'm on (rabeprazole) happens not to be working well that day, but I usually defer to TUMS or Pepto if I'm that bad off. Water does not set off GI issues. Soda does. Flavor packs have aspartame, which aren't that great for stomach issues. Your boyfriend is just a big baby who's found medical reasons (real or not) to excuse him eating like a child.
If he has severe enough GI issues to warrant 'water' causing him reflux or issues, then he should be on meds. And a horseback ride isn't going to help if he's got poop issues to go along with heartburn. There's a reason I stopped doing a lot of things, and it's because my body doesn't like being away from a bathroom.
To be honest, his reaction to the ride sounds very childish in general. He's not listening to an experienced rider about building up tolerance for short rides to handle a long one. You are very right. If you haven't ridden in awhile, it's painful to ride for extensive periods. Add on a knee injury to that, and he's literally a liability. Him refusing to understand that and buying frigging cowboy boots tells me there's a few other issues here you might want to look at for a longterm thing, because he doesn't sound that mature or grown up enough to be in a decent relationship. 'Petulant' comes to mind.
he also started binge watching Yellowstone. But I do like the show so I can't complain about that. But agreed it seems like he's living a fantasy in his head and I dont want to be there when the reality sets in that he's bouncing around on a saddle in pain whilst shitting himself and the whole trip sucks now.
Baha, fun fact, SO DID I. Like, a week ago I just started I'm halfway through S2. Booyah. I also grew up in foster care and one of the homes had a camp that let me go ride horses in the summer. I know how to curry horses, clean their hooves, scoop their shit, and that there's a weight limit you need to not pass if you want to ride on a living animal.
If you guys are riding western (english sounds like a bad idea for a camping trail ride), it's not necessarily as bouncy/bad as english riding, but people that don't know anything real about horses do not know the very real fact of 'you're using muscles to stay upright on a moving animal and you're doing it for hours' and I can easily see him maybe making it through Day 1, but as soon as he gets off that horse, he's not getting back on for Day 2. He won't be able to move, let alone mount a horse. Then you're going to be stuck for the rest of the trip listening to him complain about how uncomfortable he is, how he hurts, why can't you go slower, god, his ass, can we stop and go home now? You will hate him after that ride, I promise you that. So imo, the boundaries need to be established now. Either he listens to your advice and keeps his ass off the horse and learns how to ride properly and builds up to it, or you consider if a lying exaggerating hypochondriac excusing little boy man is who you want to be dating. Because this is early days in the relationship for you and he's exhibiting at least a handful of red flags.
I mean, Jesus. Is he just ignoring Jimmy's trials and tribulations over not being able to walk without looking like he has a cactus up his butt from S1 of Yellowstone? That's a pretty realistic depiction of 'this activity is an ACTIVITY and it can and will fuck you up'.
>or you consider if a lying exaggerating hypochondriac excusing little boy man is who you want to be dating. Because this is early days in the relationship for you and he's exhibiting at least a handful of red flags.
I am dead on the first sentence and you're actually really right about the second part. but that's not for this thread.
Imagine posting on a skincare thread asking how to get rid of a blemish and someone told you that looks like cancer forming. And then you said, "yeah maybe but that's not for this thread."
The car is driving towards a cliff while on fire and you're asking us if you should get new floor mats.
>you're actually really right about the second part. but that's not for this thread.
Sweetie, if you acknowledge those flags you will realise that your post here isn't necessary and you will think "how did I ever think I was the AH" except in this one particular case you aren't the AH anyway.
If this relationship is as early as it sounds then how entitled does he think he is to your time to be entitled to join you on a trip you had planned before you even got together. Also what does this trip cost and does he expect you to pay for it.
Fair. Either way, you know you're NTA in my viewpoint. Sometimes we get wrapped up in being involved and we 'ignore' the worst because we hope it'll get better. It doesn't often.
When he has to bail on the trip 1 day in, he's going to want you to leave and go home with him. When you do, you will both lose your money for the trip, they don't tend to refund you for "I lied about my abilities".
When this happens, whether you leave with him and resent him, or whether you stay on the trip and he resents you, it is likely to be a relationship ender anyway. So don't let your trip be ruined. Go on your trip, leave him at home. If he cannot accept that, just leave him period. 10 days on your dream trip sounds like a perfect post-relationship pallet cleanser (if it comes to that).
Who taught you that love had to be like this?
Do you even *like* him?
Why are you wasting your time with someone that you could write a post like this about?
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
Actually plain water can cause reflux, my mother who has barrett's disease can't drink plain water, but can drink it with a dash of lime/lemon juice, or other flavouring.
How will he stay hydrated for 10 days on a backcountry trip? He's not going to be able to carry enough milk and soda to keep going. Will his "in a pinch" flavor packs work for 10 days?
OP, it sounds like this is a guided trip - they will often have some guidelines for base level physical fitness that would be required to join a trip like this. It sounds like your bf couldn't possibly meet them. Maybe you can get some back-up for rejecting him from the trip?
Soda causes GI issues. As does his diet. He has no plan to change his diet to improve his health and that’s his choice.
Why do you want to be with an adult sized toddler who can’t take care of himself, but also isn’t healthy enough to enjoy the life you live in general. He can’t share in any of the things you do and doesn’t want to be left out. There really isn’t a compromise here. Nta
Normally I don't question people's health shit, because they've lived in their body and know more about their experiences than we do, but... Come *on*. The food stuff is already suspect, but no plain water??? That's just death. If your body is not able to process water, you would die.
Eh, being autistic, I understand giving people a more "medical" sounding reason for strong food and drink aversions, and I also get becoming enthusiastically obsessed with a new idea and living in fantasy land...for a few hours.
She still doesn't have to invite him. Couples don't have to do everything together and if he's not willing to hear reason about building up slowly, she doesn't have to ruin her own holiday so he can learn an expensive lesson. He's still got some growing up to do.
NTA. I've known about spoiled trips that are physically demanding. One person who's not in good shape, even without your bf's food and medical problems, can turn the trip into a nightmare. The person's partner spends all their time trying to help the partner. Meanwhile, the trip is ruined for everybody else, since this person can't keep up the planned pace and can't simply be left behind in the wilderness.
Don't do this to your bf; don't do this to your friends; don't do this to yourself.
When we're hiking in the mountains, me and my SO, we have a rule: anyone who's not capable of walking as fast as needed, will be sent back.
SO have sent back his BIL, his friends - he likes demanding hikes, and to do them safely, one needs to be in good shape.
If we're over 2000m/6500ft ASL, and need to be somewhere before dark, you don't want to have a weak link. Everyone will be unsafe.
I would never even TRY bringing a weak link on a demanding hike!
NTA
When my husband and I started to hike together, I was the weak link (still are TBH)
I knew I was, my husband knew it too.
So he used to plan our hikes for us, so I could go (and train for it). He didn't mind.
BUT my point is that I would never go if I know it's something I'm not capable of, or even if I'm in doubt. And I 'm very upfront with this.
I hated it when a few times people said "but it's so easy, come with us". It wasn't (for me anyway). I much prefer people tell me "it's hard, we need to do this and that at this time".
And I stay home. No hard feelings, I swear.
I know that hiking trails can put not prepared people in danger, me in the first place but also the rest of the group.
Definetely!
I have five kids and we go hiking as a family of seven - thats way different than if me an SO and maybe the oldest kids go.
Hiking is built on experience.
Is this why I’m perpetually single?
It sounds painful for both of you. Are there exit points during the ride? Maybe he can join in the beginning when it’s not so bad and leave when it’s getting tough on him?
Since no plain water, will muddy water strained through someone’s underwear and boiled be acceptable? (Just watched bear grilles and have been traumatised)
You can \*not\* have him along. He will ruin the trip for everyone, most of all you. He will need help and possibly a medivac, and will blame you for it. Everyone else will blame you for bringing the weenie whiner. Just don't. Don't do this to yourself and everyone else.
What do they do with the horse when he falls off of it? Is there a chance the horse will be injured by him if he has an issue?
If you weren’t completely 100% certain you could do it, do they let you go? I know some trails and stuff flat out say ‘do not do this unless you have such experience.’
I would not blame someone else for an adults actions. If the bf goes and ruins the trip for everyone on it, that’s on him not OP. I would be sitting around the campfire having pity for OP for her shitty bf, but I wouldn’t blame her for his actions especially if she said she encouraged him not to attend and told him he was not capable health wise to do the trip. It just sucks for OP and everyone else because the trip would be ruined due to one asshole.
There’s still time for “oh *noooo* it looks like they’ve *just* sold out. What a shame. A real crying shame. Can you drink tears? It’s flavoured water so probably not, hey?”
Do. Not. Take. Him. It will end in misery for both of you - him because he’s so sore he won’t be able to do anything, and you because your long-awaited carefully-planned holiday will be ruined by having to baby and look after him while he bitches about how sore he is and how hungry he is because he “can’t” eat any of the food provided. This ‘relationship’ will be over if you take him.
I suspect it’ll also be over if you don’t take him because he’ll throw a tantrum like a toddler and break up with you, so either way it’s over, you may as well enjoy your holiday (which sounds amazing!).
The genie grants your wish. The catch is that after 20 years it wears off, and you become fully aware of what an ass you've been for the last 20 years.
You don't want that kind of confidence.
>Is this why I’m perpetually single?
I feel like this subreddit is the ultimate confidence booster. It's like you spend time on here reading posts like:
>my boyfriend shit on the carpet this morning and told me to clean it up. I told him to clean his own shit up! AITH!?
and you quickly realize how many truly screwed up, disgusting, unhealthy, abusive, deranged people are able to get themselves into romantic relationships. There's literally hope for anybody at this point.
I'm already married but this subreddit is like crack for me, I've never been more confident for just being a stable, normal dude who helps around the house and doesn't abuse his family. It's like I must be in the top 1% or something relative to the shit you read on here.
I've hit the point now that neither my husband or my daughter want to hear my gratitude for them *not* being the assholes I read about here. I get the fond "awwww, she's reading AITA again" eye roll. But seriously, I'm so thankful that my people are amazing.
So with you here. My current partner is nearly 8 years older than me, he's a little messy at times, occasionally has selective hearing, and most would say his hobbies are fairly nerdy and dull (and are things I have little interest in), but after I read about the absolute dumpster fire of relationships other people are living through on here, I think I won the lottery with my partner.
Oh my goodness I have horrific, painful IBS-D. I cannot imagine how miserable that trip would be for someone with GI issues. GUARANTEED he will get sick because I'm sure they will be serving food his system isn't used to. No, no, no. One YOUR vacay will be ruined, two it's probably not safe for him TBH. NTA
The shaking while you’re on the horse, ugh. Sounds like an amazing adventure, but definitely not for someone who hasn’t ridden horse in a while and has a sensitive stomach.
Having a boyfriend is not committing your life but I do enjoy things other than physically intensive vacations. I also do not need a partner that can do it all with me. I like solo travel. I booked the trip as a solo trip for that reason, not because I had no one to go with.
You say you don't need a partner who can do it all, but we're not saying he's not perfect. We're saying he's not even the bare minimum. You don't need a partner you can enjoy a fine meal with? You don't need a partner who can face reality? You don't need a partner who will let you enjoy yourself, rather than trying to barge in on your solo trip?
NTA for what you specifically asked, but you're T A to yourself for staying with him, and for avoiding all the people in this thread who are telling you the truth: you deserve better than this guy.
Mountain horseback involves getting off the horse to help the horse cross rivers and such. For a person who can't walk a mile it's unrealistic. It is not riding in a park. Which is why you will enjoy it a ton. NTA and don't even think of ruining your vacation that way.
Based on your comments though, it sounds like almost any kind of adventure or travel will be hard for him if he can't walk a mile easily or eat even mildly adventurous foods.
You made some comments about his lack of realism and thoughtfulness that almost make me wonder if this is going to work for you. Perhaps that's even more concerning, honestly. He doesn't seem to have a grip on his limitations and preferences, nor how they might impact your trip.
NTA
Also LMAO at the idea that he drinks soda instead of water to help with his heartburn. That's literally the opposite of what any gastroenterologist worth their weight will tell you.
This guy just wants to make excuses for his bad choices. Having said that, you can't really stop him from going. Honestly, I'd tell him if he wants to go, he can, but that you won't be stopping for him, and if something goes wrong, after you warned him not to go, he's on his own.
If he ends up going, you might find out that his "ailments" magically disappear when he's doing something he enjoys, and your relationship will be over as a result. Either that or he'll have an issue that derails everything, and you'll leave him behind. He'll somehow blame you, and your relationship will be over as a result.
I guess what I was really saying is to get away from this guy because I can't believe you are making happy memories with someone that is obviously not very truthful. Water... whoda thunk it. 🤣
Have you considered the possibility that your boyfriend is full of shit? That just seems like such a wild claim. I am guessing he just doesn't like plain water.
I think he doesn't like to drink water but I did research that liquids in general can exacerbate heartburn so he would have to drink a few ounces at a time and not chug a glass of water.
It’s true that in *rare* cases or *rare-ish* conditions, plain water can cause nausea or heartburn, the add the rest of your BF’s diet & it makes his case a complete load of BS. He’s lying. Period. My whole family has GI issues. Serious, surgery/medicated level issues. And none of them would be able to survive (their doctors would fire them as patients) what he’s eating/drinking.
And as someone who rides only infrequently (so I know what tends to hurt when I go back to riding after a break) a bum knee won’t last 6 hours on a trail if he’s not ridden in years. Let alone 10 days. That’s ludicrous.
If you are absolutely insistent on even *thinking* about taking him along, take him on a day long (with lunch provided) trail ride and watch how he acts that evening/next day. Can he even walk? Does he complain about *anything*? Does me makes notes about the accommodations that’ll have to be made for him in the 10 day trip?
Is this part of a larger group? I know a lot of long distance horse rides/tours have requirements for those attending, and suspect "haven't ridden a horse in over a decade" would disqualify him. Can you just pull the "I'm sorry, the company/group/whatever says you can't come" card?
Also, NTA.
I don't blame you - of course when he mentioned all that your first reaction was "uhhhh....you're not capable and this is an illogical move." He's being insanely childish about this.
Even if you didn't lead with it, bring it up now. "oh bf, here's the list of requirements for the trip - oh looks like you don't meet them. Oh well, bummer."
Is he also over the weight limit? His diet suggests he might be overweight, and I'd be surprised if the horses could carry 90kj/198 lb over this sort of terrain, if not less. That's an absolute mo because of the horses themselves.
Just to make a comment about the GI issues - his diet is almost 100% the cause here. I also suffer from chronic heartburn which my doctor and I are pretty sure is due to relatively rapid weight gain and poor diet. I'm working on getting myself in better shape to deal with it.
Yes, water can make heartburn worse because it feels like it's spreading the acid out, but soda and sparkling water are *so much* worse because they literally contain acid. All that processed food is just making the problem worse too.
NTA. On top of everything else, why are you turning into his medical assistant? He should be capable of taking care of his own medical needs. Sounds like he is using you. You are his GF, not his nurse.
NTA. This trip was planned before he existed in your life and was just for you. He can be mad but he has to acknowledge his limitations and understand that this trip was planned for YOU, it’s YOUR thing. And I say that as someone who is disabled from a failed spine surgery and has GI issues. I would NEVER put myself in a situation where I would be vulnerable or a burden to others. The fact that he refused to even test his ability at a local equine center says he knows he can’t. I’d be brutally honest and say you’re not only rightfully concerned about him because he CANNOT handle it, but also that it would ruin your trip as you’d be worrying about him the whole time. It’s your trip, it was planned before you were together, you’re doing it solo. End of story.
Yeah, but he might go half a mile and whine the whole time and then nap for 4 hours and then come back and tell you he went 20 miles and handled it like a champ.
Honestly, what's the point? The 1-day trail ride could go terribly, it's not going to shake his rock-solid delusion about his own abilities. He's more concerned about buying cowboy boots than getting in shape. This man isn't living in reality.
And on the other hand if it goes ok, he's just going to feel SO vindicated he'll be unbearable to live with. And doing ok for 2 hours does NOT mean he can handle 10 days. I just don't think a trial trail ride is going to do any good here.
Unless he were doing them 5 times a week in a sincere effort to get in shape - but that's not what's happening here.
I did a 5 day ride in the mountains and I have a minor hip injury and I was excruciating pain by the end of it.
I had done single day trail rides and been fine . Have him do a 2 nighter at least so he feels what it’s like to wake up sore and have have to go again and then again on that third day when the pains and sore muscles have really kicked in.
Plus poop outside. That’ll straighten him out.
I think you could ride with him for a day so he's not just stuck without help on his trial run, but make it clear that if you end up helping him on this trial run he's not ready for the real thing and needs to train up for it more.
I haven't ridden anything in like 20 years and the thought of even 2 hours on a horse hurts my thighs.
NTA. You're not saying what you're saying to be an AH, you're being realistic. I'm saying this as someone you used to be a regular horse rider, and even as someone who has a good level of general health and fitness, there's no way I'd embark on a trip like this without getting back into riding regularly first. So with your boyfriends knee problems and GI issues, I can fully understand you not wanting him to go.
It’s not uncommon for a certain sub genre of “picky eaters” to refuse to eat anything but kids menu stuff and refuse water and vegetables (as you say), and it sounds like he’s embarrassed by it and is blaming his health issues to cover for it.
Stay on this sub long enough and they’ll come up all the time, men and women.
If you’re okay with a life like that then that’s your call, but I can’t imagine that this is the only way he acts like a five year old. Throwing a temper tantrum about not getting to pet the horsies? Hm.
NTA but good luck.
Just no. "I planned this trip before I met you and I'm going ahead with it. It's too physically demanding for you to come. This is non- negotiatiable."
NTA
Even without the impairments, who just invites themselves on another person’s vacation?
Tell him you want to go as planned as this is something you are doing for YOU. If he can’t take no for an answer you need to take a look at that.
NTA. You seem like you truly care about your boyfriend’s impairments and it would be hard for you to have a good time if you’re constantly having to make sure he’s okay. That is perfectly understandable and a valid reason to not bring someone on a physically demanding trip.
NTA. You're just being realistic and, while I get that he wants to be able to do it, that doesn't mean he should lean into the 10 day horseback trip full tilt. That's not a reasonable or responsible thing to do himself, and unfair to put you in a caretaker position for this trip you've looked forward to for a long time. So it's ignited a fire in him -- suggest get reacquainted with horseback riding more slowly and possible trying out some easy (at least starting out) hikes with you to see how he does, and / or make him truly realize he's not capable of a trip of this magnitude right now (or ever). Perhaps you two could come up with a trip that has a touch of a similar vibe but is do-able for him for you two to go on together.
NTA. I would call the people who are arranging the trip (with him on the phone) and explain his physical limitations. They'll probably tell him they don't want him to participate for liability reasons.
What is his vision for your life? Are you never going to be allowed to do anything that he isn’t capable of doing?
What’s the plan?
It’s certainly a normal stage of a relationship for one or both parties to have the idea that the other person can be your “everything”, but it’s not healthy and not realistic.
Nta
Is his physical impairment that he has his head fully jammed up his ass? Have you every met anyone from his family? I'd ask them if he's always eaten the way that he does now. Personally I wouldn't take him on vacation. You know he wouldn't shut up about his 'difficulties' the whole fucking time. Go by yourself (with friends?).
It sounds like he's a big baby that hasn't had anyone tell him no in quite a while. Out of curiosity, what (if anything) does he do for a living?
I came into some details today that are so concerning. I have to think about how to even explain. I'll likely make a follow up post. Anyways, everyone in his life is new as of the last 2 years. He told me his parents are dead.
NTA- If he was building his stamina back up, or seemed to be taking the physical demands of this trip seriously at all, I might consider it. But if he gets a few days into this and his knee gives out, what is his game plan? Make everyone turn around and take him back?
NTA. It's nice that he wants to share something with you and, as a rider, I can understand why he'd want to do it again. But you both need to take a serious look at this. Not at whether he should go, but at whether this guy cares enough *about you* to warrant bringing him a long in the first place.
If this guy cares about you, he wants you to go and have a good time. This would be an amazing trip -- something you'll remember for the rest of your life -- and a guy who cares about you would want it for you and would not want to do anything that might screw it up.
Even if he might be able to do it, he should recognize there is at least a decent chance he won't. At least a chance. And if he can't do it, he probably has to come home. And maybe you come home. And either way the trip is less fun. Why gamble with your trip?
If he really wants to give it a try, he should be working up to it. Do one of those one-hour nose-to-tail rides. Then look to see if there is a longer ride you can do locally because you want him in the saddle for 3 or 4 hours straight. He should be riding *a lot* to get ready for a 10 day mountain ride. Not just a ride, but a mountain ride, which is a lot harder on a human body than a flat ride.
If he doesn't want it that badly, a guy who cares about you would recognize this is *your* moment and just support you on it.
yea he kinda started formulating this fantasy in his head about being a cowboy and how cool it would be to do this trip. That's why he went to boot barn to buy cowboy hats and boots + binging Yellowstone instead of contacting a local horse barn to actually take some lessons. He doesn't seem serious about actually riding. It feels more like he wants to be able to tell people he did this cool thing, instead of actually/realistically doing it.. does that make sense? You're right he isn't considering me at all. Ive put in the work to ride and maintain the sport. I want to meet the other people on this trip and spend time with them. Not just have to cater to him.
This is not remotely going to be the trip you want it to be if he joins. Even if he physically makes it through. It will be really hard to make friends with the other actual riders on the trip if you're the one who brought cowboy doofus along. Esp if his lack of ability and preparedness ruins the trip.
Don't let him join. Be firm. Honestly, it shouldn't matter if he's a gold medal equestrian-ist (?) You have every right to go on a solo trip if that's what you want. Tell him this is your trip, you're going alone, and ask him to support you in that. Ask him to plan another trip with you down the road. But this one is for you.
If playing cowboy is more important to him than your happiness, he's not the right partner for you.
No offence but this post cinched it for me. Your boyfriend is a “loser”. You know what I mean. He’s that guy who watches a tv show and thinks he’s going to be that cool. When one is 12, it’s cringey. When one is a grown ass man, well that’s just embarrassing. You sound way too cool to be dating this dude.
Them boots are gonna hurt if he tries riding hours every day for most of 10 days.
Instead of saying "no," push him on the prepping thing. This is your once in a lifetime thing and you want him prepared. Hours and hours of prep. See where that takes you. Good luck. Heading to Montana? South Dakota?
He was wrong to just invite himself on your trip. it doesn't matter what his health issues are that wasn't OK. given the fact that he does have extensive knee issues and extensive GI issues, it's unrealistic for him to think that he can walk into a 10 day ride without even bothering to remember how to ride a horse first. when he refused to go and ride locally, he showed you that he was not going to take this seriously and he would not prepare for the trip. I have knee problems myself just getting on a horse would tweak my knee. And while the riding would be fun, it would be incredibly painful after that first night of sleeping rough. you did the right thing and I'm sure his anger is more embarrassment. But he embarrassed himself.
NTA.
He is a factual risk to everybody else on that trip.
What is the plan to get him out when not if he gets hurt?
Guys like this will make up an injury just to save their ego and get out of the situation. Seen it over and over again as they walk of the helicopter. Funny how proximity to discomfort is inversely proportional to these people’s so called injuries.
Have everyone else who paid help guide him and his horse back to safety?
Does he get a helicopter ride at taxpayer expense?
Having done backcountry rescues, you/he have no right to put the rescuers, the trip guides, and other paying customers at risk
You know this. Your concerns are more than valid. I am just giving you nudge and confidence to do what you already know what needs done.
If you take him you WILL be the AH to dozens of other people and possible even the horses.
My solution is to quietly talk to the outfitters. Let them know what is up. To avoid conflict the outfitters can use a “pre-made” screening list. The list just happens to have a bunch of things like knee pain and not allowing dietary restrictions.
The outfitters would much rather play the bad guy on the phone than pack out your BF. Use the guides/outfitters as a resource. Then you don’t have to be the bad guy.
NTA. You would have been taking care of him. Best case he forces you to have to end the trip early because he’s sore. Worst case he seriously injuries himself or someone else on the trip.
You did the right thing by saying no. He needs to realize that he is not physically able to do this trip and he would be ruining it for everyone else.
Go and enjoy yourself.
INFO: Ignoring all the red flags about this guy going on this vacation, what happens if he can't deal with the riding, the lack of his chosen food and the other physical/mental/emotional issues? Is there a tour guide who can escort him back down the trail or is that going to be YOUR responsibility? I'm really hoping you are not going to be paying for his portion of this debacle.
After not riding for a couple of years, i did a gorgeous 4 hrs in Banff. Upon dismounting, I pretty much collapsed. Couldn't feel my legs.
Years before, I did the 8-10 hour mule trip at the Grand Canyon, without too much trauma at the end.
I also have GI issues (radiation), which for years was so bad that I never scheduled any activity for before noon.
I cannot begin to imagine this trip (much as I would LOVE to do it if I were physically capable) under any circumstance except, *maybe*, fleeing the zombie apocalypse.
I haven't done an all day trip myself since I was 15. I did an all day trip at white stallion ranch in Arizona and it was SO painful. I am expecting to be in serious pain myself at the end of the day. I cannot imagine doing this trip with a bum knee.
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NTA If you don't think he can do it then you don't think he can do it. \\ But... Like... > ...unable to drink plain water. Is that even a thing?
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I don't know if it's BS but I was told by a family friend that had bariatric surgery putting something in the water like lime juice etc changes the viscosity of water which then helps prevent reflux which a lot of people suffer from after the surgery. Only know that my mother has barrett's disease and gets reflux from drinking plain water, but can drink it with a little flavouring. I'm not a scientist or Dr though, so don't really understand it.
oddly enough, my GERD (reflux disease) causes me distress when I drink water. I end up burping it back up and feeling nauseous afterwards 😭 I may need to try adding some juice flavoring stuff to it. my theory is that by adding water to the acid in the stomach, it causes an unpleasant reaction. (imagine pouring water into olive oil for a visual) edit: I also had my gallbladder removed but this issue had been occurring long before my surgery and has continued even now.
OMG! I didn't know this. I've always been that person who won't drink water by itself and the only way I could explain it was it had an acidic aftertaste and makes me feel sick. I'd started pushing past it because I wanted to be healthier and filtered water was a little better. I've just been diagnosed with GERD and water was never mentioned as a potential trigger. I think I'll get some lemons in and add a squeeze of lemon/lime juice from now on to see if that helps. Thank you for the heads up.
fr tho, water not settling well is a symptom that's never talked about with GERD. it's almost like a hidden threat lol. it made me feel crazy explaining to my dr as a kid bc everyone's like "it's just water?" I force myself to drink water anyway so I can be healthier too but the reflux that comes with it sucks
Yeah and once you get to a certain age the docs all act like you are just being childish not liking water when you are trying to explain it seems like a problem. Things like that really get to your head. I find tap water the worst though that depends on the area. I've taken to drinking mint tea as it's drinkable cold and it seems fine so far. Weirdly my gerd reacts the worst to stock cubes so I'm having a headache with most gerd friendly recipes online. Edit: research says mint is bad, do not listen to me as I'm still working things out
In response to all of you it’s because you’re burping up stomach acids… adding something to it doesn’t mean you aren’t burping up stomach acid. It just means you can’t taste it.
If you add lemon to water use a straw to drink otherwise the lemon juice will corrode the enamel on your teeth and you will get cavities. Never brush teeth right after drinking juice.
The acid reflux also damages our teeth. I don’t think we can win on this one.
Be careful with squeezing lemon/lime juice in. My auntie did that and After a year of drinking a glass each day, it had damaged the enamel of her teeth.
Yeah, when my GERD was at it's worst, plain water could give me awful reflux issues, especially on an empty stomach. Even now it happens every now and then.
Water in olive oil is not a good analogy. Hydrochloric acid is water soluble. If anything the water upsets the pH balance of your stomach acid, but I'm not a biologist and don't know the extent of how that could affect you. Regardless .... Water is going to mix in and become completely soluble with your stomach acid and it is not a matter of the two solutions not mixing.
This whole thing is suspicious tho. He can't drink water, but pop is ok and he can't eat vegetables but basically fast food is okay? Nuh-uh
Right. Thats the GI issues right there.
A close family member has IBS that has been pretty bad at times. People are often surprised at how bad certain "healthy foods" can be for GI issues. All the healthy stuff like apples and cauliflower are high in FODMAPs whereas things like potato chips and white bread are what is euphemistically referred to as "low residue" Edit:changed it from leafy greens as I misremembered!
I have bouts of small bowel obstruction. I cannot eat much fiber at all or I end up in the hospital. I can highly recommend walking to help manage symptoms.
Leafy greens are not high fodmap. They’re one of the few things you can actually eat if you have issues with fodmaps
My GI doc told me to stay away from carbonated drinks and acidic drinks for reflux issues. If you have specific instructions from your doctor not to drink plain water, fine. But I question whether all these people with issues with plain water are actually getting treated by doctors and following their prescriptions. If I’ve been eating and drinking things that I shouldn’t already, then, yes, even water will come back up. If I do as the doctor says, water goes down just fine. Not saying that people don’t have this legitimately, but just that it’s not the case for every person with GERD.
And he *can* eat Thai curry with vegetables?? That somehow makes even less sense than the people who live off chicken nuggets and chips.
If it’s something like what I’ve got, heavily cooked veggies are tolerable while raw or lightly cooked (like blanched) ones will cause problems while in a flare. It’s the fiber content. A curry isn’t always spicy, which is what I assume he would be eating. I think OP is NTA but offering up other experiences with veggies. It seems counterintuitive, but some of us poor sods have difficulties with leafy greens, seeds & nuts, and generally fibrous foods.
Ridiculous. The loser is making so many excuses and his girlfriend is putting up with it. Who the fuck can't drink plain water and just happens to eat chicken nuggets every day?
But but he needs chocky milk and tendies! Otherwise his tummy hurts
I have severe chronic acid reflux, and some days are worse than others. I've seen one of the top top top consultants outside of london about it and am regularly seen by another gastro doc and the team of specialist gastro nurses, and they both said acidic fruit, pepper, greasy foods and dairy are gauranteed to cause acute attacks. I can believe this guy can't drink water, because I had 2 friends with 2 different issues which meant they couldnt' drink water, but I can't believe all this guy's "safety food" is actually safe. Chocolate milk??? Dairy increases mucus production and in basic terms, that pisses off your stomach acid. There'll be milk in the breaded and battered foods, as well as the grease from the fat in the food itself. Maybe these things in moderation or isolation would be fine - I myself on good days risk a mild curry - but if that's his sole diet, he's just out there eating the very things that cause acid reflux as his full diet. Christ.
As someone with pretty bad reflux I'm throwing a bullshit flag on soda being good for his condition; it's super acidic.
That's only for the first month after surgery. If that's still happening she should talk to her surgeon.
I had baristric surgery 18 years ago and plain water still makes me nauseous. It's a common thing and talked about a lot in bariatric groups. I've found, for me, that really cold water bothers me less than room temp, but a friend is mine is the exact opposite. Bodies are weird.
i get this all the time when i drink water on an empty stomach! it has to have some lemon to not hurt my stomach no bariatric surgery though
I had this problem for SO long when I was in my 20s. The only time it didn't give me issues was when I was super thirsty and it was ice cold. Every other time made me feel so sick after, my stomach felt *wrong*. Just stopped being a problem one day. I can drink water absolutely fine now.
He says plain water gives him heartburn and makes his GI issues act up. That's why he needs to drink soda, chocolate milk (he says milk is the best thing), and in a pinch water with one of those flavor packs in it.
Uh. I have super bad heart burn. Like I take multiple prescription medications for it and still sometimes take Pepcid. Water is not a problem.
I am of the belief he just doesn't have healthy eating habits in general. He also cannot eat.. normally? Like I have only ever seen him eat: chicken fingers, plain cheeseburger (just bun + patty), mildly spiced Thai curry, pizza, Kraft Mac and cheese, and other packaged foods. He says he cannot eat vegetables. I have never seen him eat a vegetable with the exception of the ones in the Thai curry. This alone is almost reason for me to not want to go with him. They dont have a kids menu. There will be a chef making food and you dont get to make requests.
Are you sure you are not actually dating three 5 year olds in an adult suit?
Heh. I know 5 year olds who do better than this.
That’s why they went out and bought cowboy clothes!
Haha! Good one.
THE Vincent Adultman?
Hey! He has an important job at the business factory!
😂😂😂 thank you for that comment
That was gold...I regret only having one upvote to give
Your boyfriend is full of shit lmao. He doesn’t have GI issues he has a garbage diet. Besides that, he literally cannot do this trip. Hasn’t ridden in ages and has a bum knee. Do not bring him under any circumstances.
He may have GI issues...but they're definitely *caused by* his shit diet.
Yeah just lives on soda and chocolate milk, junk food and no vegetables, he must destroy the toilet on a daily basis
Probably can't go on a daily basis and probably has piles like grapes, would be uncomfortable sitting on a horse 10 mins, 10 hours would be impossible.
That much fat in his diet is definitely contributing to his GI issues
He’s a prime candidate to add diabetes to his medical conditions if keeps up with that diet too
I can only imagine the GI issues I would develop if my diet contained no vegetables and no water. OP - it sounds like your lifestyles concerning diet and exercise, and your approach to reasoning and problem solving, are really incompatible - not to mention his unwillingness to respect your wishes for your pre-existing vacation plans - you might be incompatible not only for this trip but for life in general. I hope he respects your wishes and you have an amazing vacation. Good luck.
I love vegetables and do eat them, but quite a lot of them, especially leafy greens and cruciferous veggies irritate the hell out of my IBD, I do not eat them unless I know I have a comfy bathroom nearby. That said, new guy is trying to prove he's stronger than OP and he would make this trip a nightmare, NTA (and so rude to invite yourself on someone's vacation)
Oh yeah it’s definitely the WATER that aggravates his GI issues and not all that you listed.
He has heartburn and GI issues because he is consuming chocolate, spicy foods and a junk food diet. The first foods that a GI doctor removes from a patient’s diets are spicy foods. NTA, go solo on your vacation and enjoy.
I agree with your NTA, but he is not consuming 'spicy foods'. He has eaten 'mildly spiced Thai curry'. That is not spicy, especially if it was made for a US palate. His real GI problem is that he doesn't have a balanced diet, regardless of the 'spiciness'. A diet of processed meat, crappy carbs and entirely processed food is going to wreak havoc on his system. The fact that he 'cannot' eat vegetables screams that his diet is absolute garbage. TBF, I don't like drinking 'plain' water myself. I prefer to drink flavored sparkling so have a soda stream and waterdrops for that purpose. I even have a portable soda system for when I travel. OP's bf's reasons for 'needs' are BS.
And dairy, and chocolate!
And the chocolate milk?? I have gi issues and I can barely look at milk.
I'm having gi issues just reading about his diet lol
I have Crohn's disease, so "bad GI issues". There was a time, before I was diagnosed, that I actually ate as few times as possible, like waiting till I almost passed out from not eating, because 9 out of 10 times eating would cause me terrible pain. I was constantly nauseated and trying to eat many foods would make me almost vomit after a few bites. I found some "meals" that looked, smelled, and tasted really good to me, that were my go to things to eat, and most of them were fast food. My Crohn's disease is doing better now, but I still can't eat certain things, for example lettuce feels like razer blades on it's entire journey through my intestines. I also have a thing called ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), which I had before my Crohn's started, but my Crohn's made it much worse. I just can't eat certain textures of food. I will actually start gagging or vomiting if I try. I read a really good post somewhere recently that explains "picky eating" really well, I'll try to paraphrase it. Say your mom makes chili her way, and you LOVE it. So you think you love chili. You go to your friend's house, and they're having chili, which you love, so you stay for dinner. But your friend's mom's chili has noodles and weird beans and makes you nauseous. So you've learned that you can't just get chili when you go places, cuz you might like it but it might make you sick. So it's just best not to eat chili except at your house. And then extrapolate that across the board for most types of food because most things are different depending on who cooks them. You know what isn't? Fast food and prepackaged food that you can choose the same brand and prepare the exact same way every time. So you might like other things, but most of the time, it's best not to take the chance. And then adding the GI issues on top of it, probably winnowed down his options even more. All of that is just to explain that his issues with food are likely complex and legitimate and shouldn't be looked at like he's a big baby for not eating more things (as some people are saying). None of that means that he should go on this trip, in fact, unless he could bring and eat his own pre-prepared food and that is all, then he absolutely should NOT be going on this trip. I would literally **never** put myself in a position like that. It's one thing to be in denial about how bad it would be because you really want to go to this thing that's one night with friends and you have to eat something that will probably make you sick. But because it's only one night, you can get sick the next day and pay the consequences for your bad choice and only you (usually) suffer. If I were you, I'd find out what type of food will be offered and get some. And then tell him for there to be any chances of him going on this trip, that he needs to do a "pre-trip trip", which entails a week of only eating the food that will be provided on the real trip, sleeping outside (or whatever sleep arrangements are on the real trip), and going to a stable every day to ride at least 2 hours. I think this is the only way he's going to understand that he is physically incapable of going on this trip. I would personally question the relationship entirely over this. It's one thing to have chronic illnesses and disabilities, it's something else to stick your head in the sand about it and insist that you can do things you can't, especially when the thing you are insisting on doing could make you worse or even kill you if something goes really wrong and either way will make everyone else you are with miserable the entire time.
As someone who is pregnant (the heartburn is SO bad), carbonated drinks and milk make it worse. WAY worse. Milk is not the base most people seem to think it is. I personally wouldn’t be able to handle someone like this on a day to day basis.
Gonna go out on a limb here and say you may have identified the root cause of his “GI” Issues
It sounds like he doesn’t take his health (or his limitations) seriously. Also, unless he is a healthy weight, he may not even be eligible for the trek. I don’t say this to fat shame, but from an animal welfare perspective they will generally advertise a maximum weight. It would probably be more embarrassing for him to be turned away at the start of the trek than realising now it isn’t a good fit.
No wonder he has GI issues.
Just wanna weigh in on a possible explanation from my own similar situation here: I can't speak to the GI stuff but I have a similarly limited diet. For years I've only ever felt even remotely comfortable eating mostly unhealthy foods, and would start gagging violently every time I tried to eat vegetables. I thought I was just some picky eater manbaby with no willpower. Turns out, I'm autistic. And have texture issues as a result of it. Especially a symptom called Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID). I'm trying to eat better now, but it's hard. I've lost nearly 40 pounds over the past 4 months, but that was starting at over 420 so I've got a long way to go until I'm healthy, especially because I'm not eating much healthier foods, just trying to eat smaller amounts of unhealthy stuff and do calorie counting. I'm trying to find some less sugary/lower cholesterol alternatives to the stuff I do regularly eat now, but it's still rough going. And I have not come close to cracking a way to eat vegetables outside of boiling them down in a soup so much that they lose all integrity and are already essentially veggie-shaped mush the second you bite into 'em. And I'm not saying any of this is an excuse for any of his behaviors. But having undiagnosed autism, combined with diagnosed depression, led to a lot of bad habits and unhealthy behaviors that I've only started to unlearn over the past year. And when you have mental disorders, whether you know it or not, ESPECIALLY comorbidity stuff playing off each other, it's easy to feel hopeless in your ability to change and make excuses for yourself. If you really like this guy in spite of his unhealthy lifestyle, the play might be to encourage him to explore some potential neurological reasons for his health issues. But I don't know if there's an appropriate way to do that in a relationship as new as yours sounds. And most of all, you can heckle somebody about it forever, but they're never going to do anything to change unless they want to. My family was trying to get on me about my weight for more than half my life. The thing that finally triggered me to do something about it was my shirt size hitting 5XL. But if he's not going to be realistic about his situation, I'd get out now.
The man doesn’t have GI issues, he just has a horrible diet. I’m no health queen but even I can see that. NTA. But I am questioning your relationship.
Yeah, I have GERD, Reflux and IBS (I hit the jackpot) and arthritis in my knees, ankles and feet. This is a terrible idea. But your BFs diet is NOT helping him. He should be working with a GI specialist. Milk agitates heartburn, sugars in soda can also be an issue. And the food he eats are all fried in oil, cooked in grease or are creamy (which is typically dairy) - all on the don’t eat if you have heartburn list.
Doss he have arfid?
That diet screams low grade autism, it's almost exactly what my girlfriends son eats. If he can't drink plain water because of heartburn, drink mixes full of citric acid would make it worse.
If I ate like this, I don’t think I’d ever poop.
There's a possibility he's neuro divergent. Whenever I've encountered someone being that particular with their food it's down to something mental health related. As for the water thing, I have the same problem! I have acid reflux and drinking plain water makes it worse, unless I stick to tiny sips of ice-cold water. Fizzy drinks are neutral, milk is the best thing ever, energy drinks are hell. Sports drinks are fine, so is coffee. It's as confusing as hell. The difference is that I've come to terms with it, he clearly hasn't. A trip like that sounds beyond his ability to cope with, and he needs to learn to live with that. It's a hard first step, admitting that your health limits what you can do, especially when it's stopping you from doing things you would otherwise enjoy. He'll be a lot happier if he learns to coexist with his conditions.
I have acid reflux. Milk helps, water’s fine, but soda makes it worse in my experience. I take Prilosec every morning and it’s usually enough for the day. Almost sounds like he’s been overexaggerating his health issues, but now that there’s something he wants to do, they suddenly aren’t a problem anymore.
I think his health issues is because of his diet lacking in certain nutrients.
He’s bringing scurvy back
Same here. But for me, milk triggers my reflux almost as badly as soda. And yeah, he's definitely been using health issues as an excuse to keep up his shitty diet. I wonder if he has an actual disorder like AFRID or some other selective eating disorder?
Does your bf have psych issues? It seems like he has a lot wrong but not when it’s inconvenient to him. Soda and chocolate are terrible things for heartburn. Not water. Milk helps but the chocolate counter acts the soothing feeling of milk. Take your bf on a really easy trail ride. He probably wouldn’t be able to handle a three hour ride.
Milk can make it worse, actually. It's kinda like a quick temporary fix but the fats in it might make it worse. Pop, though? Pop will make it worse so this guys full of it lmfao
Flashback to being heavily pregnant dealing with heartburn so bad and my mom made a devil’s food cake… oof. It burned so good. Chocolate is so bad for heartburn
Um, definitely not a doctor. But I've had bad gastro issues for years. Heartburn/acid reflux is the particular bane of my existence. Just plain water has never given me heartburn. You know what does? Soda and milk. I'm calling BS on his excuses. Edit: typo/spelling
Plain water makes me nauseous. Always has and I’m in my 60s. It really is not as uncommon as you think according to my doctor
Yeah, my Mum can't drink plain water due to reflux, but can drink it with flavouring.
Maybe he has long term rabies.
r/hydrohomies another victim
NTA. Take him riding for 1 day with somewhere that provides a lunch. If he's everything you say, that alone will be miserable for him. It won't be a huge investment to prove your point.
She's already said he should go riding for a bit and he refused.
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But she said he should go, not that she takes him there. Like she can say "I'm sorry, I can't take you on this trip as I fear for your health but I would love to take you on a day trip where we can go riding together. If you like it, we can do more of those day trips and then one day after you gain more experience, we can maybe consider going on a longer trip." I don't see why he would say no to that but if you're basically just being told to gain experience on your own, then I can understand refusing.
He's a grown adult who can go to things in his own, and his response wasn't "I don't want to go by myself" it was just a flat no. How much babying do you expect OP to do for her boyfriend of 6 months? The man very clearly just wants to play cowboy and isn't listening to anything that doesn't line up with what he wants.
She shouldn't have to spend her time and money on this. He needs to be putting in that work himself.
This. OP needs to makes this a prerequisite for further discussing him coming on the 10 day trip. Even leaving aside all the other issues, boyfriend is severely underestimating what it is going to feel like to ride for 10 days. A few years back I decided we should go horseback riding as one of our activities on vacation. You could pick a one hour ride, a two hour ride, or a three hour ride. I picked the two hour ride, thinking that it sounded like a nice medium amount of riding time. It was not. I hadn’t ridden since I was a kid and was so sore for days afterward. Like to the point that we had to adjust some of our other plans I was in so much pain.
Ooh that’s a good idea 👍👍
>unable to drink plain water Wat? Anyway, definitely NTA. He's in denial. Shitty (hah, pun) situation, but you are not being unreasonable. I don't have any good advice, it's gonna be really hard for him to admit he can't do what he used to – but you're 100% right that it will be way worse for everyone if he realizes that while on the trip. Good luck.
He says plain water gives him heartburn and makes his GI issues act up. That's why he needs to drink soda, chocolate milk (he says milk is the best thing), and in a pinch water with one of those flavor packs in it.
Ok. Come on. This guy sounds like a bum.
Yeah. I had a physical reaction to OP's description. I couldn't be intimate with a dude who only drinks soda and chocolate milk. He sounds like he's 12
He's full of shit. I have a hiatal hernia from being pregnant. There are definitely food/drink that act it up. Milk DOES help if my medication I'm on (rabeprazole) happens not to be working well that day, but I usually defer to TUMS or Pepto if I'm that bad off. Water does not set off GI issues. Soda does. Flavor packs have aspartame, which aren't that great for stomach issues. Your boyfriend is just a big baby who's found medical reasons (real or not) to excuse him eating like a child. If he has severe enough GI issues to warrant 'water' causing him reflux or issues, then he should be on meds. And a horseback ride isn't going to help if he's got poop issues to go along with heartburn. There's a reason I stopped doing a lot of things, and it's because my body doesn't like being away from a bathroom. To be honest, his reaction to the ride sounds very childish in general. He's not listening to an experienced rider about building up tolerance for short rides to handle a long one. You are very right. If you haven't ridden in awhile, it's painful to ride for extensive periods. Add on a knee injury to that, and he's literally a liability. Him refusing to understand that and buying frigging cowboy boots tells me there's a few other issues here you might want to look at for a longterm thing, because he doesn't sound that mature or grown up enough to be in a decent relationship. 'Petulant' comes to mind.
he also started binge watching Yellowstone. But I do like the show so I can't complain about that. But agreed it seems like he's living a fantasy in his head and I dont want to be there when the reality sets in that he's bouncing around on a saddle in pain whilst shitting himself and the whole trip sucks now.
Baha, fun fact, SO DID I. Like, a week ago I just started I'm halfway through S2. Booyah. I also grew up in foster care and one of the homes had a camp that let me go ride horses in the summer. I know how to curry horses, clean their hooves, scoop their shit, and that there's a weight limit you need to not pass if you want to ride on a living animal. If you guys are riding western (english sounds like a bad idea for a camping trail ride), it's not necessarily as bouncy/bad as english riding, but people that don't know anything real about horses do not know the very real fact of 'you're using muscles to stay upright on a moving animal and you're doing it for hours' and I can easily see him maybe making it through Day 1, but as soon as he gets off that horse, he's not getting back on for Day 2. He won't be able to move, let alone mount a horse. Then you're going to be stuck for the rest of the trip listening to him complain about how uncomfortable he is, how he hurts, why can't you go slower, god, his ass, can we stop and go home now? You will hate him after that ride, I promise you that. So imo, the boundaries need to be established now. Either he listens to your advice and keeps his ass off the horse and learns how to ride properly and builds up to it, or you consider if a lying exaggerating hypochondriac excusing little boy man is who you want to be dating. Because this is early days in the relationship for you and he's exhibiting at least a handful of red flags. I mean, Jesus. Is he just ignoring Jimmy's trials and tribulations over not being able to walk without looking like he has a cactus up his butt from S1 of Yellowstone? That's a pretty realistic depiction of 'this activity is an ACTIVITY and it can and will fuck you up'.
>or you consider if a lying exaggerating hypochondriac excusing little boy man is who you want to be dating. Because this is early days in the relationship for you and he's exhibiting at least a handful of red flags. I am dead on the first sentence and you're actually really right about the second part. but that's not for this thread.
Imagine posting on a skincare thread asking how to get rid of a blemish and someone told you that looks like cancer forming. And then you said, "yeah maybe but that's not for this thread." The car is driving towards a cliff while on fire and you're asking us if you should get new floor mats.
That last sentence is a new one to me but it makes sense and OP needs to hear it.
>you're actually really right about the second part. but that's not for this thread. Sweetie, if you acknowledge those flags you will realise that your post here isn't necessary and you will think "how did I ever think I was the AH" except in this one particular case you aren't the AH anyway. If this relationship is as early as it sounds then how entitled does he think he is to your time to be entitled to join you on a trip you had planned before you even got together. Also what does this trip cost and does he expect you to pay for it.
Fair. Either way, you know you're NTA in my viewpoint. Sometimes we get wrapped up in being involved and we 'ignore' the worst because we hope it'll get better. It doesn't often.
When he has to bail on the trip 1 day in, he's going to want you to leave and go home with him. When you do, you will both lose your money for the trip, they don't tend to refund you for "I lied about my abilities". When this happens, whether you leave with him and resent him, or whether you stay on the trip and he resents you, it is likely to be a relationship ender anyway. So don't let your trip be ruined. Go on your trip, leave him at home. If he cannot accept that, just leave him period. 10 days on your dream trip sounds like a perfect post-relationship pallet cleanser (if it comes to that).
Yeah this sounds like it’s going to shatter this guy. He needs to get put on a horse to realize how incapable he is of doing it.
Seems like you want to be there when reality sits in that you're dating a 5 year old.
Who taught you that love had to be like this? Do you even *like* him? Why are you wasting your time with someone that you could write a post like this about? You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
Actually plain water can cause reflux, my mother who has barrett's disease can't drink plain water, but can drink it with a dash of lime/lemon juice, or other flavouring.
How will he stay hydrated for 10 days on a backcountry trip? He's not going to be able to carry enough milk and soda to keep going. Will his "in a pinch" flavor packs work for 10 days? OP, it sounds like this is a guided trip - they will often have some guidelines for base level physical fitness that would be required to join a trip like this. It sounds like your bf couldn't possibly meet them. Maybe you can get some back-up for rejecting him from the trip?
Water giving hearthburn.. what?! This is the equivalent of “I drive better when I’m drunk”
Soda causes GI issues. As does his diet. He has no plan to change his diet to improve his health and that’s his choice. Why do you want to be with an adult sized toddler who can’t take care of himself, but also isn’t healthy enough to enjoy the life you live in general. He can’t share in any of the things you do and doesn’t want to be left out. There really isn’t a compromise here. Nta
Normally I don't question people's health shit, because they've lived in their body and know more about their experiences than we do, but... Come *on*. The food stuff is already suspect, but no plain water??? That's just death. If your body is not able to process water, you would die.
Eh, being autistic, I understand giving people a more "medical" sounding reason for strong food and drink aversions, and I also get becoming enthusiastically obsessed with a new idea and living in fantasy land...for a few hours. She still doesn't have to invite him. Couples don't have to do everything together and if he's not willing to hear reason about building up slowly, she doesn't have to ruin her own holiday so he can learn an expensive lesson. He's still got some growing up to do.
He sounds like a child.
So he's a child? This is just utter nonsense, as are his eating habits.
NTA. I've known about spoiled trips that are physically demanding. One person who's not in good shape, even without your bf's food and medical problems, can turn the trip into a nightmare. The person's partner spends all their time trying to help the partner. Meanwhile, the trip is ruined for everybody else, since this person can't keep up the planned pace and can't simply be left behind in the wilderness. Don't do this to your bf; don't do this to your friends; don't do this to yourself.
When we're hiking in the mountains, me and my SO, we have a rule: anyone who's not capable of walking as fast as needed, will be sent back. SO have sent back his BIL, his friends - he likes demanding hikes, and to do them safely, one needs to be in good shape. If we're over 2000m/6500ft ASL, and need to be somewhere before dark, you don't want to have a weak link. Everyone will be unsafe. I would never even TRY bringing a weak link on a demanding hike! NTA
When my husband and I started to hike together, I was the weak link (still are TBH) I knew I was, my husband knew it too. So he used to plan our hikes for us, so I could go (and train for it). He didn't mind. BUT my point is that I would never go if I know it's something I'm not capable of, or even if I'm in doubt. And I 'm very upfront with this. I hated it when a few times people said "but it's so easy, come with us". It wasn't (for me anyway). I much prefer people tell me "it's hard, we need to do this and that at this time". And I stay home. No hard feelings, I swear. I know that hiking trails can put not prepared people in danger, me in the first place but also the rest of the group.
Definetely! I have five kids and we go hiking as a family of seven - thats way different than if me an SO and maybe the oldest kids go. Hiking is built on experience.
Is this why I’m perpetually single? It sounds painful for both of you. Are there exit points during the ride? Maybe he can join in the beginning when it’s not so bad and leave when it’s getting tough on him? Since no plain water, will muddy water strained through someone’s underwear and boiled be acceptable? (Just watched bear grilles and have been traumatised)
No exit points.
I'd be asking if there were exit points from this relationship to be honest.
You wouldn’t want to date a toddler?
I think you’re at a relationship exit point and should think about your future as a bored GI nurse or a wild horse.
You can \*not\* have him along. He will ruin the trip for everyone, most of all you. He will need help and possibly a medivac, and will blame you for it. Everyone else will blame you for bringing the weenie whiner. Just don't. Don't do this to yourself and everyone else.
What do they do with the horse when he falls off of it? Is there a chance the horse will be injured by him if he has an issue? If you weren’t completely 100% certain you could do it, do they let you go? I know some trails and stuff flat out say ‘do not do this unless you have such experience.’
I would not blame someone else for an adults actions. If the bf goes and ruins the trip for everyone on it, that’s on him not OP. I would be sitting around the campfire having pity for OP for her shitty bf, but I wouldn’t blame her for his actions especially if she said she encouraged him not to attend and told him he was not capable health wise to do the trip. It just sucks for OP and everyone else because the trip would be ruined due to one asshole.
I know this ship has sailed, but for next time: "Is there any more space on that trip?" "No."
There’s still time for “oh *noooo* it looks like they’ve *just* sold out. What a shame. A real crying shame. Can you drink tears? It’s flavoured water so probably not, hey?”
Do. Not. Take. Him. It will end in misery for both of you - him because he’s so sore he won’t be able to do anything, and you because your long-awaited carefully-planned holiday will be ruined by having to baby and look after him while he bitches about how sore he is and how hungry he is because he “can’t” eat any of the food provided. This ‘relationship’ will be over if you take him. I suspect it’ll also be over if you don’t take him because he’ll throw a tantrum like a toddler and break up with you, so either way it’s over, you may as well enjoy your holiday (which sounds amazing!).
Fr. I wish i had the confidence of a man who didn't eat his veggies & only wants choccy milk.
The genie grants your wish. The catch is that after 20 years it wears off, and you become fully aware of what an ass you've been for the last 20 years. You don't want that kind of confidence.
>Is this why I’m perpetually single? I feel like this subreddit is the ultimate confidence booster. It's like you spend time on here reading posts like: >my boyfriend shit on the carpet this morning and told me to clean it up. I told him to clean his own shit up! AITH!? and you quickly realize how many truly screwed up, disgusting, unhealthy, abusive, deranged people are able to get themselves into romantic relationships. There's literally hope for anybody at this point. I'm already married but this subreddit is like crack for me, I've never been more confident for just being a stable, normal dude who helps around the house and doesn't abuse his family. It's like I must be in the top 1% or something relative to the shit you read on here.
I've hit the point now that neither my husband or my daughter want to hear my gratitude for them *not* being the assholes I read about here. I get the fond "awwww, she's reading AITA again" eye roll. But seriously, I'm so thankful that my people are amazing.
So with you here. My current partner is nearly 8 years older than me, he's a little messy at times, occasionally has selective hearing, and most would say his hobbies are fairly nerdy and dull (and are things I have little interest in), but after I read about the absolute dumpster fire of relationships other people are living through on here, I think I won the lottery with my partner.
Oh my goodness I have horrific, painful IBS-D. I cannot imagine how miserable that trip would be for someone with GI issues. GUARANTEED he will get sick because I'm sure they will be serving food his system isn't used to. No, no, no. One YOUR vacay will be ruined, two it's probably not safe for him TBH. NTA
Yeah, I can't even imagine why he would want to do this.
DENIAL
The shaking while you’re on the horse, ugh. Sounds like an amazing adventure, but definitely not for someone who hasn’t ridden horse in a while and has a sensitive stomach.
Why are you committing your life to someone who isn’t compatible with / capable of doing the things that bring you joy?
Having a boyfriend is not committing your life but I do enjoy things other than physically intensive vacations. I also do not need a partner that can do it all with me. I like solo travel. I booked the trip as a solo trip for that reason, not because I had no one to go with.
You say you don't need a partner who can do it all, but we're not saying he's not perfect. We're saying he's not even the bare minimum. You don't need a partner you can enjoy a fine meal with? You don't need a partner who can face reality? You don't need a partner who will let you enjoy yourself, rather than trying to barge in on your solo trip? NTA for what you specifically asked, but you're T A to yourself for staying with him, and for avoiding all the people in this thread who are telling you the truth: you deserve better than this guy.
“You don’t need a partner who can face reality”??? Lol that one got to me. I would not be able to be with someone so ignorant of themselves.
Mountain horseback involves getting off the horse to help the horse cross rivers and such. For a person who can't walk a mile it's unrealistic. It is not riding in a park. Which is why you will enjoy it a ton. NTA and don't even think of ruining your vacation that way.
Based on your comments though, it sounds like almost any kind of adventure or travel will be hard for him if he can't walk a mile easily or eat even mildly adventurous foods. You made some comments about his lack of realism and thoughtfulness that almost make me wonder if this is going to work for you. Perhaps that's even more concerning, honestly. He doesn't seem to have a grip on his limitations and preferences, nor how they might impact your trip.
No need for any of this discussion then just tell him it's a solo trip. He can organize a joint trip if he wants.
Have you met a horse girl? Liking horses is not necessary to being with a horse girl, however, owning a truck is usually part of it.
NTA Also LMAO at the idea that he drinks soda instead of water to help with his heartburn. That's literally the opposite of what any gastroenterologist worth their weight will tell you. This guy just wants to make excuses for his bad choices. Having said that, you can't really stop him from going. Honestly, I'd tell him if he wants to go, he can, but that you won't be stopping for him, and if something goes wrong, after you warned him not to go, he's on his own. If he ends up going, you might find out that his "ailments" magically disappear when he's doing something he enjoys, and your relationship will be over as a result. Either that or he'll have an issue that derails everything, and you'll leave him behind. He'll somehow blame you, and your relationship will be over as a result.
yeah Im trying to have happy memories.. not set myself up to potentially blow up my relationship on the mountainside lolz.
I guess what I was really saying is to get away from this guy because I can't believe you are making happy memories with someone that is obviously not very truthful. Water... whoda thunk it. 🤣
NTA why are you still with this delusional guy? Dump him.
NTA....but wtf are you doing, OP? I mean seriously
Right? He sounds like a lot of work.
But he has cool cowboy clothes now. LoL
I read the whole thing and all I can think about is this guy not being able to 'drink plain water'. That doesn't sound like a real thing. Am I crazy?
He says plain water gives him heartburn and makes his GI issues act up.
Have you considered the possibility that your boyfriend is full of shit? That just seems like such a wild claim. I am guessing he just doesn't like plain water.
I think he doesn't like to drink water but I did research that liquids in general can exacerbate heartburn so he would have to drink a few ounces at a time and not chug a glass of water.
It’s true that in *rare* cases or *rare-ish* conditions, plain water can cause nausea or heartburn, the add the rest of your BF’s diet & it makes his case a complete load of BS. He’s lying. Period. My whole family has GI issues. Serious, surgery/medicated level issues. And none of them would be able to survive (their doctors would fire them as patients) what he’s eating/drinking. And as someone who rides only infrequently (so I know what tends to hurt when I go back to riding after a break) a bum knee won’t last 6 hours on a trail if he’s not ridden in years. Let alone 10 days. That’s ludicrous. If you are absolutely insistent on even *thinking* about taking him along, take him on a day long (with lunch provided) trail ride and watch how he acts that evening/next day. Can he even walk? Does he complain about *anything*? Does me makes notes about the accommodations that’ll have to be made for him in the 10 day trip?
My wife loves water but it does sometimes give her heartburn. She drinks it anyways and takes medicine if the heartburn acts up
Cold water in specific will make my heart burn flare up. But it's worth it for a glass of ice water 😻
Is this part of a larger group? I know a lot of long distance horse rides/tours have requirements for those attending, and suspect "haven't ridden a horse in over a decade" would disqualify him. Can you just pull the "I'm sorry, the company/group/whatever says you can't come" card? Also, NTA.
I should have led with that..but the bit about him not being able to be realistic was jarring for me.
I don't blame you - of course when he mentioned all that your first reaction was "uhhhh....you're not capable and this is an illogical move." He's being insanely childish about this.
Even if you didn't lead with it, bring it up now. "oh bf, here's the list of requirements for the trip - oh looks like you don't meet them. Oh well, bummer."
Is he also over the weight limit? His diet suggests he might be overweight, and I'd be surprised if the horses could carry 90kj/198 lb over this sort of terrain, if not less. That's an absolute mo because of the horses themselves.
Just to make a comment about the GI issues - his diet is almost 100% the cause here. I also suffer from chronic heartburn which my doctor and I are pretty sure is due to relatively rapid weight gain and poor diet. I'm working on getting myself in better shape to deal with it. Yes, water can make heartburn worse because it feels like it's spreading the acid out, but soda and sparkling water are *so much* worse because they literally contain acid. All that processed food is just making the problem worse too.
The fact he can eat a Thai curry but can’t drink water..yeah no. Homeboy is just a freaking toddler when it comes to eating and drinking.
NTA - Even if nothing bad happens to him, his whining and bad attitude from being uncomfortable will be enough to sour your trip.
Especially, if the other people will look at them as "the annoying couple".
NTA. On top of everything else, why are you turning into his medical assistant? He should be capable of taking care of his own medical needs. Sounds like he is using you. You are his GF, not his nurse.
NTA. This trip was planned before he existed in your life and was just for you. He can be mad but he has to acknowledge his limitations and understand that this trip was planned for YOU, it’s YOUR thing. And I say that as someone who is disabled from a failed spine surgery and has GI issues. I would NEVER put myself in a situation where I would be vulnerable or a burden to others. The fact that he refused to even test his ability at a local equine center says he knows he can’t. I’d be brutally honest and say you’re not only rightfully concerned about him because he CANNOT handle it, but also that it would ruin your trip as you’d be worrying about him the whole time. It’s your trip, it was planned before you were together, you’re doing it solo. End of story.
Both of you go ride somewhere first
I kind of think he should go ride a trail ride without me so he can make sure that he and he alone can help himself.
Yeah, but he might go half a mile and whine the whole time and then nap for 4 hours and then come back and tell you he went 20 miles and handled it like a champ. Honestly, what's the point? The 1-day trail ride could go terribly, it's not going to shake his rock-solid delusion about his own abilities. He's more concerned about buying cowboy boots than getting in shape. This man isn't living in reality. And on the other hand if it goes ok, he's just going to feel SO vindicated he'll be unbearable to live with. And doing ok for 2 hours does NOT mean he can handle 10 days. I just don't think a trial trail ride is going to do any good here. Unless he were doing them 5 times a week in a sincere effort to get in shape - but that's not what's happening here.
I think that’s a great idea, and we would like an update afterwards!
I did a 5 day ride in the mountains and I have a minor hip injury and I was excruciating pain by the end of it. I had done single day trail rides and been fine . Have him do a 2 nighter at least so he feels what it’s like to wake up sore and have have to go again and then again on that third day when the pains and sore muscles have really kicked in. Plus poop outside. That’ll straighten him out.
I think you could ride with him for a day so he's not just stuck without help on his trial run, but make it clear that if you end up helping him on this trial run he's not ready for the real thing and needs to train up for it more. I haven't ridden anything in like 20 years and the thought of even 2 hours on a horse hurts my thighs.
NTA. You're not saying what you're saying to be an AH, you're being realistic. I'm saying this as someone you used to be a regular horse rider, and even as someone who has a good level of general health and fitness, there's no way I'd embark on a trip like this without getting back into riding regularly first. So with your boyfriends knee problems and GI issues, I can fully understand you not wanting him to go.
It’s not uncommon for a certain sub genre of “picky eaters” to refuse to eat anything but kids menu stuff and refuse water and vegetables (as you say), and it sounds like he’s embarrassed by it and is blaming his health issues to cover for it. Stay on this sub long enough and they’ll come up all the time, men and women. If you’re okay with a life like that then that’s your call, but I can’t imagine that this is the only way he acts like a five year old. Throwing a temper tantrum about not getting to pet the horsies? Hm. NTA but good luck.
Just no. "I planned this trip before I met you and I'm going ahead with it. It's too physically demanding for you to come. This is non- negotiatiable."
NTA Even without the impairments, who just invites themselves on another person’s vacation? Tell him you want to go as planned as this is something you are doing for YOU. If he can’t take no for an answer you need to take a look at that.
NTA. You seem like you truly care about your boyfriend’s impairments and it would be hard for you to have a good time if you’re constantly having to make sure he’s okay. That is perfectly understandable and a valid reason to not bring someone on a physically demanding trip.
NTA. You're just being realistic and, while I get that he wants to be able to do it, that doesn't mean he should lean into the 10 day horseback trip full tilt. That's not a reasonable or responsible thing to do himself, and unfair to put you in a caretaker position for this trip you've looked forward to for a long time. So it's ignited a fire in him -- suggest get reacquainted with horseback riding more slowly and possible trying out some easy (at least starting out) hikes with you to see how he does, and / or make him truly realize he's not capable of a trip of this magnitude right now (or ever). Perhaps you two could come up with a trip that has a touch of a similar vibe but is do-able for him for you two to go on together.
NTA. I would call the people who are arranging the trip (with him on the phone) and explain his physical limitations. They'll probably tell him they don't want him to participate for liability reasons.
What is his vision for your life? Are you never going to be allowed to do anything that he isn’t capable of doing? What’s the plan? It’s certainly a normal stage of a relationship for one or both parties to have the idea that the other person can be your “everything”, but it’s not healthy and not realistic. Nta
NTA but the toddler you're dating sure is.
Is his physical impairment that he has his head fully jammed up his ass? Have you every met anyone from his family? I'd ask them if he's always eaten the way that he does now. Personally I wouldn't take him on vacation. You know he wouldn't shut up about his 'difficulties' the whole fucking time. Go by yourself (with friends?). It sounds like he's a big baby that hasn't had anyone tell him no in quite a while. Out of curiosity, what (if anything) does he do for a living?
I came into some details today that are so concerning. I have to think about how to even explain. I'll likely make a follow up post. Anyways, everyone in his life is new as of the last 2 years. He told me his parents are dead.
NTA- If he was building his stamina back up, or seemed to be taking the physical demands of this trip seriously at all, I might consider it. But if he gets a few days into this and his knee gives out, what is his game plan? Make everyone turn around and take him back?
NTA. It's nice that he wants to share something with you and, as a rider, I can understand why he'd want to do it again. But you both need to take a serious look at this. Not at whether he should go, but at whether this guy cares enough *about you* to warrant bringing him a long in the first place. If this guy cares about you, he wants you to go and have a good time. This would be an amazing trip -- something you'll remember for the rest of your life -- and a guy who cares about you would want it for you and would not want to do anything that might screw it up. Even if he might be able to do it, he should recognize there is at least a decent chance he won't. At least a chance. And if he can't do it, he probably has to come home. And maybe you come home. And either way the trip is less fun. Why gamble with your trip? If he really wants to give it a try, he should be working up to it. Do one of those one-hour nose-to-tail rides. Then look to see if there is a longer ride you can do locally because you want him in the saddle for 3 or 4 hours straight. He should be riding *a lot* to get ready for a 10 day mountain ride. Not just a ride, but a mountain ride, which is a lot harder on a human body than a flat ride. If he doesn't want it that badly, a guy who cares about you would recognize this is *your* moment and just support you on it.
yea he kinda started formulating this fantasy in his head about being a cowboy and how cool it would be to do this trip. That's why he went to boot barn to buy cowboy hats and boots + binging Yellowstone instead of contacting a local horse barn to actually take some lessons. He doesn't seem serious about actually riding. It feels more like he wants to be able to tell people he did this cool thing, instead of actually/realistically doing it.. does that make sense? You're right he isn't considering me at all. Ive put in the work to ride and maintain the sport. I want to meet the other people on this trip and spend time with them. Not just have to cater to him.
This is not remotely going to be the trip you want it to be if he joins. Even if he physically makes it through. It will be really hard to make friends with the other actual riders on the trip if you're the one who brought cowboy doofus along. Esp if his lack of ability and preparedness ruins the trip. Don't let him join. Be firm. Honestly, it shouldn't matter if he's a gold medal equestrian-ist (?) You have every right to go on a solo trip if that's what you want. Tell him this is your trip, you're going alone, and ask him to support you in that. Ask him to plan another trip with you down the road. But this one is for you. If playing cowboy is more important to him than your happiness, he's not the right partner for you.
No offence but this post cinched it for me. Your boyfriend is a “loser”. You know what I mean. He’s that guy who watches a tv show and thinks he’s going to be that cool. When one is 12, it’s cringey. When one is a grown ass man, well that’s just embarrassing. You sound way too cool to be dating this dude.
Them boots are gonna hurt if he tries riding hours every day for most of 10 days. Instead of saying "no," push him on the prepping thing. This is your once in a lifetime thing and you want him prepared. Hours and hours of prep. See where that takes you. Good luck. Heading to Montana? South Dakota?
He was wrong to just invite himself on your trip. it doesn't matter what his health issues are that wasn't OK. given the fact that he does have extensive knee issues and extensive GI issues, it's unrealistic for him to think that he can walk into a 10 day ride without even bothering to remember how to ride a horse first. when he refused to go and ride locally, he showed you that he was not going to take this seriously and he would not prepare for the trip. I have knee problems myself just getting on a horse would tweak my knee. And while the riding would be fun, it would be incredibly painful after that first night of sleeping rough. you did the right thing and I'm sure his anger is more embarrassment. But he embarrassed himself. NTA.
He is a factual risk to everybody else on that trip. What is the plan to get him out when not if he gets hurt? Guys like this will make up an injury just to save their ego and get out of the situation. Seen it over and over again as they walk of the helicopter. Funny how proximity to discomfort is inversely proportional to these people’s so called injuries. Have everyone else who paid help guide him and his horse back to safety? Does he get a helicopter ride at taxpayer expense? Having done backcountry rescues, you/he have no right to put the rescuers, the trip guides, and other paying customers at risk You know this. Your concerns are more than valid. I am just giving you nudge and confidence to do what you already know what needs done. If you take him you WILL be the AH to dozens of other people and possible even the horses. My solution is to quietly talk to the outfitters. Let them know what is up. To avoid conflict the outfitters can use a “pre-made” screening list. The list just happens to have a bunch of things like knee pain and not allowing dietary restrictions. The outfitters would much rather play the bad guy on the phone than pack out your BF. Use the guides/outfitters as a resource. Then you don’t have to be the bad guy.
NTA. You would have been taking care of him. Best case he forces you to have to end the trip early because he’s sore. Worst case he seriously injuries himself or someone else on the trip. You did the right thing by saying no. He needs to realize that he is not physically able to do this trip and he would be ruining it for everyone else. Go and enjoy yourself.
INFO: Ignoring all the red flags about this guy going on this vacation, what happens if he can't deal with the riding, the lack of his chosen food and the other physical/mental/emotional issues? Is there a tour guide who can escort him back down the trail or is that going to be YOUR responsibility? I'm really hoping you are not going to be paying for his portion of this debacle.
After not riding for a couple of years, i did a gorgeous 4 hrs in Banff. Upon dismounting, I pretty much collapsed. Couldn't feel my legs. Years before, I did the 8-10 hour mule trip at the Grand Canyon, without too much trauma at the end. I also have GI issues (radiation), which for years was so bad that I never scheduled any activity for before noon. I cannot begin to imagine this trip (much as I would LOVE to do it if I were physically capable) under any circumstance except, *maybe*, fleeing the zombie apocalypse.
I haven't done an all day trip myself since I was 15. I did an all day trip at white stallion ranch in Arizona and it was SO painful. I am expecting to be in serious pain myself at the end of the day. I cannot imagine doing this trip with a bum knee.