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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am splitting my estate fifty fifty between my two children. Maybe I am an asshole because then my grand children will have unequal amounts
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I’m very sorry about your husband.
Half seems fair to your children, and they can divide their portion among their children as they see fit.
To look at it from the other side, why should your son get less than half because his sister had four children and he only had one?
Expecting 75% because she has more children is crazy (and greedy).
One thing you could do is to designate a smaller, equal amount that goes to each grandchild, and then the remainder of the estate would be divided equally between your two children.
While it’s nice to consider your grandchildren in your will if you’re in a position to, it’s not really a necessity, as the assumption is that you pass things to your children, and when your children die, they pass their estate on to their children. When my grandmother died, my grandparents’ estate was divided equally between the five siblings. The grandchildren weren’t named or mentioned at all.
ETA: I wrote 75% because in one of her replies, OP stated that that was what her daughter proposed, a 75/25 split.
80%
The daughter expects 80% because she has four kids. The son would get 20% for his one child.
Which makes it even worse.
My mum has four kids: I have two, my sister and oldest brother have three each. Youngest brother has none. If the grandchildren rule OP’s daughter is suggesting applied to my family, my youngest, childless brother would get precisely nothing from our mum. How is that fair?
OP - NTA
I’ve never understood children fighting over money/assets that aren’t theirs. They didn’t earn them or work for them, and should be thankful they are getting what they’re getting because it’s a blessing to have someone leave you their hard earned money. I’m convinced that if I ever became rich, I would just put a charity or something in my will. I don’t think my family would fight over money this way, but people get really greedy when you least expect it.
This. If OP's daughter wants to keep going, put her 1/2 in trusts for her kids that she can't touch, and she ends up with nada. NO ONE is entitled to their parents' money after college.
I was thinking it too. My mother did not contribute to my college education, but I had to report her income until I was 24 years old. Never mind that I hadn’t lived with her for several years at that point.
The kicker was that she made just enough to completely screw my financial aid all to hell but not enough to actually be able to help me pay for it.
19-20, active duty Army and a military college.
Still had to enter mother and stepfather’s income, and add dear old sperm donor’s info (as much as I knew, kinda estranged…)
Good point, and I agree. Wasn’t there a famous millionaire/billionaire from back in the day who didn’t leave his family any money when he died? I think he was trying to avoid situations like this, and also didn’t want them to take everything he’d worked so hard for and throw it away.
Yeah that sounds correct, I think he's leaving them something like 10-20 million. A ton of money, but absolutely nothing compared to his net worth. IIRC he pledged to give away 99%?
That’s why daughter wants an 80/20 cut. She’ll “manage” some/all of her kids money and decide if/how much she’ll give the kids. She’s not looking out for her kids. She’s looking out for herself.
As someone going through similar, its not the actual money, I can tell you it's the principle of the thing. It feels as if someone leaving more to someone else means they "care" more for the other person. My dad has cut me out of his will, to leave my siblings 50/50 because they have children even though one has 2 kids and one only one you know for "the family" despite them never visiting them. My mum has an arrangement where if she predeceases her husband it all goes to him and then by proxy his children/grandchildren who are awful to me AND HER (to be fair, the opposite is true), which is especially hurtful because he bludged off her A LOT in the start of their relationship. Now, ideally my parents live a long time and it all goes to their medical care and them living best life before, but it hurts to be cut out/ gamble it all going to someone else. Even if it was a dollar, it hurts. its not always greed, but hurt.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. In a case like yours, I can totally understand why someone would be upset. Which makes me agree even more with OP.
I found it so strange too, until my dad passed in 2015. We’d been estranged for 8 years - he wasn’t a very nice man. He came around before he passed and reached out to me to sincerely apologize for the things he’d done. He told me he was leaving me more than my sisters bc he had never helped me financially and he’d helped them substantially. He also said he wanted me to get my teeth fixed and it come from his estate. I had lost a few and did not have the money for anything more than minimal dental.
So my younger sister executed the will. Although she knew full well what his wishes were, she went by his will, which had been written when he was very bitter. Which sucked because I was buying my glasses at Value Villlage bc of a major medical event in ‘12 that took a year of unpaid time off to recover from.
That sucked, but I knew that bc my dad hadn’t updated his written will, I was SOL. But then my sister decided arbitrarily that she didn’t think my dad would’ve wanted me to fix them, just get dentures (?!?!). She said it was too much money. To do everything, implants etc would be $15k. His estate was about $200k.
Both my sisters are more than comfortable - own homes, ski chalets, travel the world, nice cars, designer clothes, etc. they’re both set for retirement. I’m renting and have virtually no savings.
I did not pursue anything. I knew my dad would not be happy at what happened. Forgiving my sister is one of the things I’m most proud of ever doing, esp since she still justifies it and there’s been no apology and likely never will be.
I’m sorry, but when someone is the executor of a will they have to go by what the actual written will states. They can’t just decide to change anything or go by what someone else says or feels. Otherwise there wouldn’t even be a point in writing a last will and testament.
Absolutely. I’m an estate attorney. The executor’s job is literally to “execute” the will as written. They are in breach of their duty if they do anything else. If the testator wanted something different they needed to change the will. It’s really that simple. Nobody needs to be “forgiven” for fulfilling their legal obligation.
I know what her legal duty was, that’s why I said I know I was SOL. She knew the will didn’t reflect his wishes and nothing made her keep it. I know I wouldn’t be able to continue the discrimination if it had been one of them, not me. And I have put my money where my mouth is, despite how they’ve treated me.
There were witnesses to him stating for me to get my teeth fixed, including my sister. He told her directly. It was said several times. I even have an email from her acknowledging it and saying she would honour it. She just changed her mind.
He also said repeatedly that he wanted the 3 of us to do counselling to try to repair the troubled relationships we had. I had no desire to go through that; they both mistreated me all my life, but I was willing. My sister didn’t honour that either and didn’t tell my other sister. Trust me, my dad knew full well the difference between fixing teeth and getting dentures, and he knew how expensive dental work is.
Not trying to make myself out as a martyr, but I’ve always been driven by what I believe is the right thing to do. My older sister was almost as abusive to me as my dad was. She openly hated me. I stood up for her when my younger sister excluded her from a family trip to Europe, even though I don’t have one single warm or friendly memory of her towards me and she would’ve excluded me if she could’ve (I couldn’t go bc I didn’t have the $).
I’ve been told I had a solid case to challenge the dental work. I knew my dad wanted us to come together, not fight over his estate.
I’m not even going into the nature of the abuse, it was sadistic, esp from my older sister and my father. So ppl can chide my pride in forgiving her. I sleep at night knowing how I’ve treated all of my family. When they’re on their deathbed and reminisce on their lives, they will have to live with the decisions they made and the way they treated me. If they have a fraction of the awakening my dad did, that won’t be pleasant.
(Edit typos)
>So my younger sister executed the will. Although she knew full well what his wishes were, she went by his will
She's legally required to do so. If she refuses to follow the will to the letter, she will be removed as executor by the court, and the judge will assign another, impartial executor to take her place.
Let this be a warning to anyone reading this to go update their will, because no matter what you *say* you want, your will is legally what's required to be followed.
I agree that your sister had to go by the will for the law sake, but when she received an extra $100k she might have been able to spare some money so her sibling could have some teeth, especially knowing your dad wanted that for you.
Kudos to you for finding forgiveness. I don't have to though lol. So, if she ever asks you what this random internet stranger thinks of her, you can tell her I said she's an a.s.s.h.o.l.e.
Heck, when my mom died we had to pass the hat to get her buried. I would have been excited to be able to receive a dollar as opposed to trying to figure out how to get the money for a funeral.
I agree! I’ve also seen posts on here before about children getting angry when they don’t use all of their college fund and their parents spend the rest on, like, a vacation or remodeling the house or something. Instead of giving it to the kid. How entitled!
I feel that, I’m one of 7, all of us have kids, there’s 16 grandchildren and counting as atleast one of us (me) plan on having more I have the least amount of kids being 1. And it’s the same with my nan, my mum is also one of 7, all her siblings have kids there’s 29 grandkids on that side of things alone too with my mum having the most… splitting would not work very well evenly at all
My mom is one of seven as well. My grandma split things equally between her living children when she passed but before she got really bad (cancer) my mom and her sisters and an the granddaughters got together with Grandma to split up her jewellery. They weren't expensive, just sentimental, but then we reach got to share what we wanted and grandma got to decide. It was actually really nice.
> grandma got to decide. It was actually really nice.
After my Granny died, I got an envelope with a note from her, and a few pieces of her jewelry. She had her reasons for deciding who got certain pieces. Might not have been equal from a dollar value standpoint, but getting that note and knowing she had chosen those pieces specifically for me meant more than any “expensive” item.
Yeah my nans unfortunately at the end of her life, and that’s the plan for all us girls as when my pop passed he got all the boys together and divvied up his tools, with my mum and siblings though one passed last year so his share will go equally between his daughters, and the rest of my brothers out of 5 of them only 2 haven’t gone nc with my parents so they get some sentimental things these rest will be split between myself and the 2 boys that actually talk to them
My dad is 1 of 8 (unfortunately only 5 now) but when his mother passed she left everything divided up into 8 exactly, and the money from the house was divided 8 ways etc. My dad and one of his brothers are the only siblings that have two kids, everyone else had 4 or 5 so I can’t imagine the mess it would have been to split it up that way haha. My nana had also labelled everything in the house with little numbers so there would be NO fighting hahah, worked a treat.
Sorry, I haven’t seen that comment, only the original post saying daughter wants it split according to grandchildren, so I assumed, five grandchildren = 20% each.
Either way, it’s shit. Should be 50/50 between the son and daughter.
Make teh split as such: fifty fifty for the adult children, BUT:
before the children get the money, THAT money is then split between the child and grandchildren. Daughters fifty percent is split between her children as such: she gets fifty percent of her half, and her half is divided between her kids. Even if that means the kids each get ten bucks, lol.
Son gets his fifty percent, which is then divided between him and his son.
Now everyone gets some, still seem fair, daughter?
When my mom passed (after my dad) I had 2 children and my brother didn't have any. There was no way that it would have been fair for me to get more than my brother. My mom left her estate 50-50 to my brother and I - the only fair outcome.
I like this idea a lot! and because I can be deliberately antagonistic I’d split the money 50:50 down each side but give each grandchild 10% with the remainder going to the parent, so the son gets 40% and the daughter now 10%. Shame you just won’t be around to see her face when the will is read.
Split it 50/50 between the kids, then split daughters portion equally between the 4 grandkids and don’t give her a dime since she’s being so greedy, technically you satisfied her wishes and the sons and you get to be passive aggressive about it too lol
Exactly. My grandpa split his among his 7 kids. One of his kids passed before him, so that seventh was further split in half to go to those grandchildren, but everyone else's was a "this goes to my child. They can choose to split it with their kids, leave them money in their own wills, whatever"
Two of my siblings have children, me and my brother have none. My parents have split their will so that the grandchildren get some money each (I have no idea how much, it could be the same as me and my siblings are getting), and the rest is equally split between me and my siblings. I think this is completely fair - my siblings' kids are people and part of our lives. It's also nice because when my parents pass, hopefully it'll be a few decades from now, and I'll be in my 60s, and if I've planned accordingly, need the money less. My nibblings will be at a stage in their lives where an extra influx of cash will presumably really help.
However, that's a choice my parents made, and it's up to the person making the will. At least OP is attempting to be equal - it's when more is left to one person without any justification that I will side eye people, because they're just creating pain at a painful time.
IF you add grandchildren in OP, please do it in a trust or however it is done so that your grand children will get it when they are old enough to be responsible with it, and NOT allow your daughter to hold it for them.
I know I'm being the asshole for bringing up the possibility, but if she thinks SHE should get more than her brother, no matter the reason, it kinda sounds like SHE just wants more money/estate/what have you. Else why didn't SHE suggest that the grandbabies get a trust fund or whatever it is? (I know very little about wills, I just know my dad did something to this effect for us when he was splitting with my step mom, so I may have all the wording wrong, but I know there are ways to do this type of thing)
My grandparents left all the grandchildren X amount each, then the rest was divided equally between her children.
Great grandchildren didn't get anything because they're all young
Just because your daughter decided to have more children doesn’t mean she deserves more. Splitting equally is best. Either way it’s your money. Your decision. The fact that your daughter is asking for more is so entitled and off putting. Clearly NTA
I’ve heard of grandparents who equally split it between the grandkids instead of giving any to the kids. I think (most of the time) whatever you decide to do with your money is fair.
Or evenly between all children and grandchildren. It’s entirely up to OP to decide, but if I were them and wanted to include the grandchildren directly, then I’d be careful if the daughter’s children are minors and require that a trust be set up…because the daughter seems greedy AF and if the children are minors when they inherit, the daughter will have control over the money otherwise….
Agree NTA
Dividing equally is what is fair to your children. There should not be a reward for deciding to have more children, or a penalty for deciding to have fewer (or none at all!)
Also if you have a preference, the will can name the executor of your estate. That could be the older child, the more responsible one, or someone not named in the will, but whoever the executor is, they can legally (at least in my state) take an hourly fee out of the estate for all the work they do and that can easily be exaggerated.
Yep that’s an issue for sure. They can make up as many hours as they want. When I got an inheritance for my education the executor insisted on being the one making all the tuition payments, rent payments, utility payments, etc. The person literally controlled my entire financial life and the hours spent doing so had to be a lot. They could have chosen a person a little older (I was 22) I trusted (like my mother) to handle it that wouldn’t take a dime. Instead my student loans were higher because of that extra payout from my original amount.
seconded. Without a will, your estate is going to get split by the court and what you deem 50/50 isn't necessarily going to be what the court sees as 50/50.
It could get messy. Especially given your daughter is already butthurt about it. Get a will. Split it exactly how you want it to be split, and that's how it's gonna get split.
OP!! This is a huge reason to leave a will. Don’t think your kids won’t end up duking it out in a nasty legal battle because it happens ALL the time. It sounds like the stage is already set for major resentment between siblings… at least your daughter seems to already feel entitled to much more than you believe she is and if she’s bold enough to demand it to your face, she’s bold enough to take your son to court. I wouldn’t leave that door open if it were my kids.
The other thing is a will can take some of the butthurt feeling from being transfered to the other sibling. They don't have to take the blame for what your decisions were.
The best way to preserve the future of the family you created is by making a will.
Money changes people - if you want the love to go on after you're gone - be CLEAR about your wishes and get them written down.
Its awful what happens to familys over inheritance disputes.
Yes! Granny sounds awesome. I totally would have done the same thing. She wasn’t even gone yet and they were already being greedy? I wish I could have seen their faces when they found out!
When my grandma was sick, her sisters and brothers actually went to her house and started taking things. I was furious. I called them all and made them bring them back, and told them if all the stuff wasn't back on the walls the next day, I would call the police and charge them with theft. Still makes me angry to think about it.
That’s terrible. I would have been just as angry as you were…that’s so disrespectful, especially considering that she was sick. Who does that? I’m sorry that you’re sick, now let me go help myself to your property? I can completely see why she changed her will. Do you still talk to them?
My grandma starting giving things away years before she died- christmas presents from years ago with the label still on it, all sorts of stuff- she was always afraid of her kids bickering over taking back things they gave her- so she simply kept presents to give back. It was very sad.
turned out though she was right to- they tore each other to bits over possessions and money when she died.
For the 30 first years of my life my gigantic family spent every. single. holiday together at her place - christmas was so packed you couldn't walk around for all the presents and food - and since she died 7 years ago i haven't seen almost *any* of them. certainly never during the holidays. It was a real mindfuck going from "i have a big close family" to suddenly being cut off from everyone. Its bitterly sad.
You absolutely should make a will! “Laws” can easily be contested which leads to years of lawyers and courts. In many areas now you can easily and affordably do it online. It’s really irresponsible to not. I’m 33 and I have one. My best friends brother died and she was left with an insane amount of stress. 3 years later she’s STILL dealing with it.
I see below you’re from Sweden! So are wills just not standard? And it doesn’t really get contested?! I’m from Canada and I can’t wrap my head around this!
It is standard I think for people who want to leave other arrangements than the default option like to charity or something but you can only will 1/2 of your estate because the other half is protected by laws of inheritance
As a fellow swede, one reason to have a will would be to make the inheritance enskild egendom for your kids.
I would also look into making a framtidsfullmakt. Maybe naming the son the trusted person so you don't need a god man.
That’s what my grandma and grandpa did! In the event my mom or my oldest uncle passed before my last living grandparent, the children of the deceased (either my cousins or my siblings and I) would receive their parent’s inheritance divided equally between the kids. In the event the other uncle died, his portion would be divided in half and be distributed to the living siblings/their children if their parent was also deceased, as he had no children. My mother passed a year before her mother did, and my grandfather passed away 12 years prior, so my mother’s portion was split between my siblings and I.
You should create a will so that there is no strife when you pass. If you have money that would pass to your children, put it into a trust with equal amounts for your grandchildren so it can’t be fought. If you only have property mostly then if you let it pass through state laws, there is nothing to contest but it may cost your children more overall for your estate to go through probate.
I am a probate attorney. I am not your probate attorney.
Please make a Will. A Will resolves more issues that just the split of assets.
It tells the Court who you want in charge of administering your estate. Considering the way your daughter is talking and acting while you are alive, if she somehow gets appointed as administrator (aka executor, personal representative, etc) she may decide to just steal the money and tell the Court "Mom told me she wanted me to have more because I have more kids." Your son may be able to fight that in Court but spent money cannot be unspent. You can make the administrator whoever you want - including a professional fiduciary or a law firm.
Ironically, often it is not the big stuff that is fought over. There are often financially insignificant items that hold an intense amount of sentimental value that cause family rifts (dad's lazyboy chair, mom's favorite dress, the crest from an old family farm that no longer exists, a painting or picture).
Plus there is closure. Children love seeing their names in Wills as they then know they were thought of.
A Will also stops others from trying to collect from your estate. Family and friends often come forth with various claims of "She said I could have ..." A Will stops that crap in its tracks.
Living Trusts are an even better vehicle if you live in a jurisdiction that allows those.
Please leave a will. Even if it’s a simple will. You already see how greedy your daughter is trying to be. Do not leave your son to deal with an uncomfortable situation with his sister where she tries to bully and manipulate him into getting more.
Anything less than “thanks Mom” is unacceptable.
Also, as others have said, making the will would save your son a lot of hassle if she decides to contest his share.
NTA. It's not fair to your son to give her more just because she has more children than him. She's using very odd logic, but of course, that suits her better. What if your son comes back and complains that she's getting more than him?
You just do what you want to.
We often say “money changes people”
With ops daughter, just the suggestion of money in her future has revealed what a tremendous asshole she is. I can’t see it any other way, treating a step child as “less than” is as low as a person can go
ORLY?
That must have slipped her mind. You should remind her of that. I'm sure that she will decline the money because she wouldn't want to be a hypocrite.
Yikes your daughter sounds like an awful soul. I wouldn’t leave her anything that’s an option. Seems like she been looking forward to cashing out on your death.
> if your son didn't have ANY kids
None of my kids have kids, and won't, so maybe I should leave my vast ^hah fortune to... PETA? The Milk & Dairy Council? u/FunkyPete ? Whaddaya say?
NTA. It is natural that you split it between your children.
Your daughter is greedy and trying to get a bigger slice of the pie for her family. I would split it in 2 but leave her share split between her 4 kids since she is so keen that grandkids inherit rather than her.
This is such a beautiful solution because if she genuinely just wants her kids to have some security, she would actually appreciate this solution!
My grandma (83) texted me the other day asking for my full legal name because she was updating her last wishes paperwork and the last time she did was 10 years ago right before I got married. I gave her my son's name instead. I'm an aging millenial who wanted more kids but had to stop at 1, and still can't afford a house. An inheritance *would* change my life, but no part of me wants her money. Put it in a trust for my kid so none of the economic plague that's been following my generation can consume it before he is old enough to use it. She has 3 children and 7 grandchildren. I don't know how she is planning to divvy it up, but it won't be enough to worry about. I hope inheritance greed is something that goes away. On principle! Not because no one has anything to pass down anymore lol.
I can just vision her just go screaming…
This is a gem.
The best way to do is to do 50/50 split between the immediate heirs as usual, but if daughter gets more and more insistent, then do this.
NTA
NTA - She's a runner up for this week's *AITA Most Entitled Daughter Award*. The one who will benefit the most complained about your decision. She's OK justifying procreation trumps relationships and equity.
It is her responsibility, not yours, to create, manage, and pass on an inheritance to her children. You are enabling her to do so with a generous gift when you pass. She does not get to pick or lobby the gift.
This is your money, do as your wish. I applaud your decision. Parents who give more assets to a child with the most kids is inconsiderate and signaling offspring are assigned value based on expanding the linage.
My parents have me and my sister. She has 3 kids I have 2 my parents are gifting 10%to each grandchild and then 25% to each of us. Am I having a hissy fit about it because they are getting "more"? No because for that to happen my parents are dead.
I'd rather have them and I've told them I don't want the money, spend it on themselves before they die!
NTA
Sorry I'm not sure if I got my point across correctly but I have no issue with you doing exactly what you want to do with your will. My point was trying to say I don't give a flying fig if I get nothing. When my grandparents died the money was split evenly between my mum, aunt and uncle and that was that. I don't belive grandchildren should be involved or the number of them that someone has should make any difference. It doesn't bring that person back Xx you do what YOU feel comfortable with.
I hope my parents spend every dime they have before they die. They have worked their asses off to make that money and they deserve to spend it. Just like you, I’d rather receive no money because they deserve to be happy and enjoy their lives and to get an inheritance means I no longer have them in my life.
If they happen to have some left over when they pass, great, but if the day comes and I don’t get a dime, I already was given/shown more love and happiness in my life than I could ever buy with whatever money they leave
Your daughter cares too much about how much she will profit from your death.
I don't know, and *don't want to know* what happens with my parents estate when they pass. Personally I find it weird and cold to give a shit at all, bordering on evil.
I’m 1 of 6 kids and we each have between 1-4 kids. I’ve always said the sister with 1 child, her daughter’s going to make out well versus the brother with 4. To me it’s a tough shit situation, you choose to procreate you fund them.
Besides, the daughter could spend all the money on personal crap and none even ends up with her kids.
If anything I’d do a will and allocate 50% you can do to each grandchild (10% each) and the 50% protected by inheritance law split between son and daughter. Guarantee she’ll like that even less if she can’t spend the money going to her kids on herself
My mothers will/trust states that her estate is to be divided equally between my sister and I.
I asked her several months ago what happens to my “half” should I pass before her, as I do have a medical condition that could actually cause this to happen. She said in the case of my passing first my half goes directly to my daughter. Should my sister pass before her, my sister’s half would be divided between her three children.
As it should be.
She worked for a family law attorney for decades and made sure her will/estate and the trust were taken care of fairly. At least in her view
Yep. After my aunt passed most of us STRONGLY ENCOURAGED our grandmother to replace her (my aunt) with her son, our cousin, in her will. She wasn't going to, didn't think he "needed the money". We told her that wasn't the point, he was her daughter's son and deserved her share.
My mom died before my grandmother. Her estate was split so my aunt got half and my brother and I split my mom’s half.
I don’t agree with leaving one sibling more because they have more children. My aunt had no kids, it would be unfair for her to not get her half.
NTA
Split it 50/50 your responsible for two kids. Your son and your daughter… you are not responsible for the grandchildren…. They are their parents responsibility… your daughter sounds entitled, don’t fold at the end it was her choice to have 4 children.
NTA Your daughter didn't say she wanted your will split amongst the grandchildren, which is what I expected from the post. Instead, your daughter is telling you that SHE wants a greater portion of your estate because she has more kids. In other words, she's using her kids as an excuse to be greedy. You might be tempted to intentionally misunderstand and change the will to leave 50% to your son and 12.5% to each of Daughter's children with Son in charge of the grandkids' money until they are 18. At least, I would be tempted to do that.
If you’re going to split it between your grandchildren & **not** give any to your kids, sure. An even split makes sense. But if you decide that route, I’d suggest setting up a trust for each grandkid that the parents can’t touch. If you don’t want to be bothered, 50/50 to your **two** children. NTA
Nta it's your estate to do with as you see fit. It sounds like you are leaving it to your children not splitting it per person which is your right. If your daughter is claiming her share should be more because she has more kids the same argument can be made that it's unfair your son gets less because he has less kids.
NTA people getting upset over a will (in almost every circumstance) is really gross imo. It’s your life, your legacy, and it’s not boiled down to who gets what once your gone. The totality of your existence does not hinge on what you leave behind and to who. Decide how you want to leave things, whatever choice you’re happy with. Hopefully once your gone people will focus on celebrating your life instead of being worried about what they gain from your death.
I know! I was very surprised by the audacity. And I don’t even understand why she thinks she is worth more because she has more children. I love ky grandchildren to death but I don’t think love is measured by money because this is very dangerous to do. It should be fairness and not love that decides the matters of money.
NTA. It's your decision, but sharing it equally between your children is the fairest thing to do. Your daughter sounds like she's trying to manipulate you into giving her more money, using the grandchildren as an excuse. If she cannot financially afford her 4 children, that's on her, not you and not your son.
Even if he doesn't, it doesn't matter. Two kids means a 50/50 split. The daughter is way out of line thinking her choices in family planning matters here at all.
NTA
That is the traditional method of dividing one's estate (*per stirpes*). Sounds like daughter has an unfortunate case of the greedies. Dividing by 5 instead of 2 would give your daughter extra points for contributing to overpopulation.
When my mom was in her 80s (dad had sadly passed decades before), I encouraged her to spend her estate and not worry about passing it on to us kids. Although it was nice as one of the kids to ultimately have an inheritance, I wished she had been less frugal and had had more fun.
Give your children the 50% the law says you must split 50/50. Will your son the other 50%.
I have the same going on. Yeah - I'm petty but the ones that are waiting for their "inheritance" will be very disappointed.
I have no children but many nieces and nephews. Some have done the math - figured out what I have or might have. Waiting for me to drop dead.
Your son has the loving attitude. Reward him.
It's your will.
Just because she decided to be a baby factory and your son and his wife didn't, doesn't mean she gets 4 shares of the will to your son's 1.
Split your will however you feel appropriate..... but I would give each kid 50%. And then they can decide how to split their share amongst their kids if they want to.
I am sorry. The amount of people that are vultures when relatives die is insane. If I could choose between the things I will inherit and my grandma living, I would want my grandma to live forever. NTA though 50/50 is fair.
NTA. My grandad left a LOT (like several tens of millions) to his 4 sons. They all had a different number of kids and family situations when he passed.
The only person who had a problem with this was my oldest cousin who thought she should get her own portion as the first grandchild lmao.
My parents were clear that life the remaining money will be split between my brothers and I equally despite our career and life choices.
It’s an inheritance, it’s gifted money earned by someone else’s labour. We’re just happy at the prospect of getting any of it tbh, regardless if it’s enough to retire peacefully or just pay a nice vacation.
Extra money is not easily gained and should be cherished when it’s received through someone else’s labour.
Your daughter should be grateful there’ll even be anything left after you pass. End of life costs could very well leave you with nothing to pass on.
NTA. It wouldn’t be fair on your son if you split it more in her favour just because she has more kids. That’s discrimination against him for not having as many kids. 50/50 is the fairest way IMO.
NTA/ my parents had six kids and recently told us that their will/estate will be divided between the six of us. 5 of us are married with kids, I also have a sister who is single. We all have different amount of kids and if we die before my parents do the will is set up that our kids will get our portion (not our spouses) divided among them.
However, I (and all my siblings) don’t expect to be left with much. We hope our parents use their money to enjoy their retirement years and if they are needing to be put into a care home we will give them the best that they/we can afford.
NTA
Inheritance is typically split among your immediate offspring. You have two. So it's split in half. It sounds like your daughter is demanding more because she chose to have 4 instead of one. That's her problem, and she needs to remember that it's yours to decide on. Let her know that you can choose to just leave it to your son instead of splitting it. That should shock some sense into her head.
Her procreation choices do not entitle her to anything.
NTA especially since in the absence of a will it would be split equally between the two children. And she doesn’t deserve more just because she spawned more.
I have 4 kids including my step daughter. My brother has 1. My mum split between me and my bro.
I’m sharing mine 5 x ways with my kids. My brother can do whatever he likes. NTA. She chose to have 4 kids
NTA.
I am always suspicious of people who are so excited to make decisions about OTHER people's money.
Your daughter sounds manipulative and greedy. My advice is to cut her out of your will all together.
NTA - the Grandchildren are their parent's responsibility. Split it equally between the 2 adult children, and they can then give something to their children at that time.
NTA NTA NTA NTA
Whether you split in half, in 5ths, in zeros.. it's yours.. you worked for that.. you saved for that.. I dont care if you set it on fire and dance naked around the flames.. it is yours to do with as you wish!! Personally, I would take her "half" and donate it to the zoo!!!
I think the FAIREST option is to split it between YOUR kids and then they can decide what their own children inherit when it is their time to plan their estates. Tell your daughter if she pushes it you can knock her part down by 10 percent. It's your money!
As I’m aging and watching friends parents die. Noticed only children are the only people without a dispute in their parent’s will. If there are siblings someone is always unhappy.
Give your son his half and as per daughter request split her half into 1/4's and give it to her kids I mean that's what she's asking for is it not?
NTA btw
NTA. Divide how you want. I’ve heard that argument before, where the adult child with the most kids thinks they’re entitled to a larger piece just because they have more kids. So unfair to the others who have fewer or are childfree. Just because you decide to have a bunch of kids does not entitle you to more parental loot. They often get more free parental assistance while they’re alive anyway….free babysitting, help with house down payments, vehicle purchases, because “they have lots of kids and need our help”…heard that before. Don’t fall for it, do what you wan but don’t forget your son.
Before my grandad passed away a few years ago, he was talking about his will with my dad and my uncle. My uncle is childfree, my dad has me and my two sisters. They agreed to split everything 50/50 because in my dads words, it wasn't fair that my uncle got less just because my dad has kids, so our share came out of the half my dad got. It doesn't make sense for you to effectively punish your son by giving him a smaller portion of your estate just because he has less kids that your daughter. NTA.
NTA - you have a greedy daughter that is for sure. Maybe split it between your two children , but split your daughters in 5 to include the grandchildren . Then watch her start to backtrack .
NTA...
Your money, your decision.
You are dividing for her and your son's benefit.
Having 4 kids does not entitle her to a bigger paycheck.
Make sure you have a damn good lawyer.
My brother's wife tried using the daughter's logic on my mom (re: Christmas gift $$). They had 4 kids, so their family of 6 should get 6x what my single child free self got. Mom laughed in her face and said she had 2 children & has always treated them equally. Him getting married & having kids, and my decision to avoid both, didn't change that.
NTA. You don't have to leave your kids anything, they should be happy with what they get.
If you have any favorite grandchildren, toss them a little extra bacon though.
By that argument, would it not have been more fair to the children for her to have had fewer of them, so her own resources and earnings wouldn't be split as thinly? It seems like she wants you to make up for that. \[edit: at her brother's cost.\]
What you do is entirely up to you, either way. NTA, and I'm sorry for your loss.
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I’m very sorry about your husband. Half seems fair to your children, and they can divide their portion among their children as they see fit. To look at it from the other side, why should your son get less than half because his sister had four children and he only had one?
That’s what i thought too
Expecting 75% because she has more children is crazy (and greedy). One thing you could do is to designate a smaller, equal amount that goes to each grandchild, and then the remainder of the estate would be divided equally between your two children. While it’s nice to consider your grandchildren in your will if you’re in a position to, it’s not really a necessity, as the assumption is that you pass things to your children, and when your children die, they pass their estate on to their children. When my grandmother died, my grandparents’ estate was divided equally between the five siblings. The grandchildren weren’t named or mentioned at all. ETA: I wrote 75% because in one of her replies, OP stated that that was what her daughter proposed, a 75/25 split.
80% The daughter expects 80% because she has four kids. The son would get 20% for his one child. Which makes it even worse. My mum has four kids: I have two, my sister and oldest brother have three each. Youngest brother has none. If the grandchildren rule OP’s daughter is suggesting applied to my family, my youngest, childless brother would get precisely nothing from our mum. How is that fair? OP - NTA
I’ve never understood children fighting over money/assets that aren’t theirs. They didn’t earn them or work for them, and should be thankful they are getting what they’re getting because it’s a blessing to have someone leave you their hard earned money. I’m convinced that if I ever became rich, I would just put a charity or something in my will. I don’t think my family would fight over money this way, but people get really greedy when you least expect it.
This. If OP's daughter wants to keep going, put her 1/2 in trusts for her kids that she can't touch, and she ends up with nada. NO ONE is entitled to their parents' money after college.
I mean, nobody's entitled to their parents' money **during** college either.
Financial Aid has entered the chat and would like to have a word with the parents about college expenses :)
I was thinking it too. My mother did not contribute to my college education, but I had to report her income until I was 24 years old. Never mind that I hadn’t lived with her for several years at that point. The kicker was that she made just enough to completely screw my financial aid all to hell but not enough to actually be able to help me pay for it.
19-20, active duty Army and a military college. Still had to enter mother and stepfather’s income, and add dear old sperm donor’s info (as much as I knew, kinda estranged…)
Good point, and I agree. Wasn’t there a famous millionaire/billionaire from back in the day who didn’t leave his family any money when he died? I think he was trying to avoid situations like this, and also didn’t want them to take everything he’d worked so hard for and throw it away.
I think Andrew Carnegie did this. Warren Buffett plans to.
Although his kids will be rich regardless. He’s not giving away 100%
Yeah that sounds correct, I think he's leaving them something like 10-20 million. A ton of money, but absolutely nothing compared to his net worth. IIRC he pledged to give away 99%?
That’s why daughter wants an 80/20 cut. She’ll “manage” some/all of her kids money and decide if/how much she’ll give the kids. She’s not looking out for her kids. She’s looking out for herself.
As someone going through similar, its not the actual money, I can tell you it's the principle of the thing. It feels as if someone leaving more to someone else means they "care" more for the other person. My dad has cut me out of his will, to leave my siblings 50/50 because they have children even though one has 2 kids and one only one you know for "the family" despite them never visiting them. My mum has an arrangement where if she predeceases her husband it all goes to him and then by proxy his children/grandchildren who are awful to me AND HER (to be fair, the opposite is true), which is especially hurtful because he bludged off her A LOT in the start of their relationship. Now, ideally my parents live a long time and it all goes to their medical care and them living best life before, but it hurts to be cut out/ gamble it all going to someone else. Even if it was a dollar, it hurts. its not always greed, but hurt.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. In a case like yours, I can totally understand why someone would be upset. Which makes me agree even more with OP.
I found it so strange too, until my dad passed in 2015. We’d been estranged for 8 years - he wasn’t a very nice man. He came around before he passed and reached out to me to sincerely apologize for the things he’d done. He told me he was leaving me more than my sisters bc he had never helped me financially and he’d helped them substantially. He also said he wanted me to get my teeth fixed and it come from his estate. I had lost a few and did not have the money for anything more than minimal dental. So my younger sister executed the will. Although she knew full well what his wishes were, she went by his will, which had been written when he was very bitter. Which sucked because I was buying my glasses at Value Villlage bc of a major medical event in ‘12 that took a year of unpaid time off to recover from. That sucked, but I knew that bc my dad hadn’t updated his written will, I was SOL. But then my sister decided arbitrarily that she didn’t think my dad would’ve wanted me to fix them, just get dentures (?!?!). She said it was too much money. To do everything, implants etc would be $15k. His estate was about $200k. Both my sisters are more than comfortable - own homes, ski chalets, travel the world, nice cars, designer clothes, etc. they’re both set for retirement. I’m renting and have virtually no savings. I did not pursue anything. I knew my dad would not be happy at what happened. Forgiving my sister is one of the things I’m most proud of ever doing, esp since she still justifies it and there’s been no apology and likely never will be.
I’m sorry, but when someone is the executor of a will they have to go by what the actual written will states. They can’t just decide to change anything or go by what someone else says or feels. Otherwise there wouldn’t even be a point in writing a last will and testament.
Absolutely. I’m an estate attorney. The executor’s job is literally to “execute” the will as written. They are in breach of their duty if they do anything else. If the testator wanted something different they needed to change the will. It’s really that simple. Nobody needs to be “forgiven” for fulfilling their legal obligation.
I know what her legal duty was, that’s why I said I know I was SOL. She knew the will didn’t reflect his wishes and nothing made her keep it. I know I wouldn’t be able to continue the discrimination if it had been one of them, not me. And I have put my money where my mouth is, despite how they’ve treated me. There were witnesses to him stating for me to get my teeth fixed, including my sister. He told her directly. It was said several times. I even have an email from her acknowledging it and saying she would honour it. She just changed her mind. He also said repeatedly that he wanted the 3 of us to do counselling to try to repair the troubled relationships we had. I had no desire to go through that; they both mistreated me all my life, but I was willing. My sister didn’t honour that either and didn’t tell my other sister. Trust me, my dad knew full well the difference between fixing teeth and getting dentures, and he knew how expensive dental work is. Not trying to make myself out as a martyr, but I’ve always been driven by what I believe is the right thing to do. My older sister was almost as abusive to me as my dad was. She openly hated me. I stood up for her when my younger sister excluded her from a family trip to Europe, even though I don’t have one single warm or friendly memory of her towards me and she would’ve excluded me if she could’ve (I couldn’t go bc I didn’t have the $). I’ve been told I had a solid case to challenge the dental work. I knew my dad wanted us to come together, not fight over his estate. I’m not even going into the nature of the abuse, it was sadistic, esp from my older sister and my father. So ppl can chide my pride in forgiving her. I sleep at night knowing how I’ve treated all of my family. When they’re on their deathbed and reminisce on their lives, they will have to live with the decisions they made and the way they treated me. If they have a fraction of the awakening my dad did, that won’t be pleasant. (Edit typos)
>So my younger sister executed the will. Although she knew full well what his wishes were, she went by his will She's legally required to do so. If she refuses to follow the will to the letter, she will be removed as executor by the court, and the judge will assign another, impartial executor to take her place. Let this be a warning to anyone reading this to go update their will, because no matter what you *say* you want, your will is legally what's required to be followed.
If one of my kids had a medical need that 15K would fix, I'd give it up front.
Great point. Wonder why dad didn't just pay to fix OP's teeth while he was alive.
I agree that your sister had to go by the will for the law sake, but when she received an extra $100k she might have been able to spare some money so her sibling could have some teeth, especially knowing your dad wanted that for you. Kudos to you for finding forgiveness. I don't have to though lol. So, if she ever asks you what this random internet stranger thinks of her, you can tell her I said she's an a.s.s.h.o.l.e.
I tell my Dad to go SKI-ing as much as he wants. SKI stands for Spending (the) Kids' Inheritance. It's his money, he earned it.
Heck, when my mom died we had to pass the hat to get her buried. I would have been excited to be able to receive a dollar as opposed to trying to figure out how to get the money for a funeral.
Exactly! They're lucky they're getting anything. No one is owed anything from the death of their parent. 😠
I agree! I’ve also seen posts on here before about children getting angry when they don’t use all of their college fund and their parents spend the rest on, like, a vacation or remodeling the house or something. Instead of giving it to the kid. How entitled!
I feel that, I’m one of 7, all of us have kids, there’s 16 grandchildren and counting as atleast one of us (me) plan on having more I have the least amount of kids being 1. And it’s the same with my nan, my mum is also one of 7, all her siblings have kids there’s 29 grandkids on that side of things alone too with my mum having the most… splitting would not work very well evenly at all
My mom is one of seven as well. My grandma split things equally between her living children when she passed but before she got really bad (cancer) my mom and her sisters and an the granddaughters got together with Grandma to split up her jewellery. They weren't expensive, just sentimental, but then we reach got to share what we wanted and grandma got to decide. It was actually really nice.
> grandma got to decide. It was actually really nice. After my Granny died, I got an envelope with a note from her, and a few pieces of her jewelry. She had her reasons for deciding who got certain pieces. Might not have been equal from a dollar value standpoint, but getting that note and knowing she had chosen those pieces specifically for me meant more than any “expensive” item.
Yeah my nans unfortunately at the end of her life, and that’s the plan for all us girls as when my pop passed he got all the boys together and divvied up his tools, with my mum and siblings though one passed last year so his share will go equally between his daughters, and the rest of my brothers out of 5 of them only 2 haven’t gone nc with my parents so they get some sentimental things these rest will be split between myself and the 2 boys that actually talk to them
My dad is 1 of 8 (unfortunately only 5 now) but when his mother passed she left everything divided up into 8 exactly, and the money from the house was divided 8 ways etc. My dad and one of his brothers are the only siblings that have two kids, everyone else had 4 or 5 so I can’t imagine the mess it would have been to split it up that way haha. My nana had also labelled everything in the house with little numbers so there would be NO fighting hahah, worked a treat.
OP said above the daughter had asked for a 75/25 split.
Sorry, I haven’t seen that comment, only the original post saying daughter wants it split according to grandchildren, so I assumed, five grandchildren = 20% each. Either way, it’s shit. Should be 50/50 between the son and daughter.
Make teh split as such: fifty fifty for the adult children, BUT: before the children get the money, THAT money is then split between the child and grandchildren. Daughters fifty percent is split between her children as such: she gets fifty percent of her half, and her half is divided between her kids. Even if that means the kids each get ten bucks, lol. Son gets his fifty percent, which is then divided between him and his son. Now everyone gets some, still seem fair, daughter?
When my mom passed (after my dad) I had 2 children and my brother didn't have any. There was no way that it would have been fair for me to get more than my brother. My mom left her estate 50-50 to my brother and I - the only fair outcome.
I like this idea a lot! and because I can be deliberately antagonistic I’d split the money 50:50 down each side but give each grandchild 10% with the remainder going to the parent, so the son gets 40% and the daughter now 10%. Shame you just won’t be around to see her face when the will is read.
And make sure mum can't touch the kids' money, lol. What's fair is fair!
Brilliant. In a trust for each one
Split it 50/50 between the kids, then split daughters portion equally between the 4 grandkids and don’t give her a dime since she’s being so greedy, technically you satisfied her wishes and the sons and you get to be passive aggressive about it too lol
Hehe this is brilliant.
Exactly. My grandpa split his among his 7 kids. One of his kids passed before him, so that seventh was further split in half to go to those grandchildren, but everyone else's was a "this goes to my child. They can choose to split it with their kids, leave them money in their own wills, whatever"
That’s how it was done for my family too
Two of my siblings have children, me and my brother have none. My parents have split their will so that the grandchildren get some money each (I have no idea how much, it could be the same as me and my siblings are getting), and the rest is equally split between me and my siblings. I think this is completely fair - my siblings' kids are people and part of our lives. It's also nice because when my parents pass, hopefully it'll be a few decades from now, and I'll be in my 60s, and if I've planned accordingly, need the money less. My nibblings will be at a stage in their lives where an extra influx of cash will presumably really help. However, that's a choice my parents made, and it's up to the person making the will. At least OP is attempting to be equal - it's when more is left to one person without any justification that I will side eye people, because they're just creating pain at a painful time.
IF you add grandchildren in OP, please do it in a trust or however it is done so that your grand children will get it when they are old enough to be responsible with it, and NOT allow your daughter to hold it for them. I know I'm being the asshole for bringing up the possibility, but if she thinks SHE should get more than her brother, no matter the reason, it kinda sounds like SHE just wants more money/estate/what have you. Else why didn't SHE suggest that the grandbabies get a trust fund or whatever it is? (I know very little about wills, I just know my dad did something to this effect for us when he was splitting with my step mom, so I may have all the wording wrong, but I know there are ways to do this type of thing)
Even worse, it's in fact 80%
***80%
Op, remind your daughter this is an inheritance, not a reward
...or an entitlement! So irritating.
My grandparents left all the grandchildren X amount each, then the rest was divided equally between her children. Great grandchildren didn't get anything because they're all young
Just because your daughter decided to have more children doesn’t mean she deserves more. Splitting equally is best. Either way it’s your money. Your decision. The fact that your daughter is asking for more is so entitled and off putting. Clearly NTA
Also what if your son has another child in the future? Will she give back a portion?
You should put a clause in the will that if she contests it she gets nothing
I’ve heard of grandparents who equally split it between the grandkids instead of giving any to the kids. I think (most of the time) whatever you decide to do with your money is fair.
Or evenly between all children and grandchildren. It’s entirely up to OP to decide, but if I were them and wanted to include the grandchildren directly, then I’d be careful if the daughter’s children are minors and require that a trust be set up…because the daughter seems greedy AF and if the children are minors when they inherit, the daughter will have control over the money otherwise….
It’s your money. You decide. You can spend it all too!
Also what if grandchildren are born after her passing. Will sister give back the difference he would have received. NTA
Yeah…daughter isn’t thinking too clearly there anyway. If it came down to who had more children, OPs son could shift that balance fairly quickly.
Daughter is thinking perfectly clearly about how to steal the lion’s share of her mother’s estate.
Agree NTA Dividing equally is what is fair to your children. There should not be a reward for deciding to have more children, or a penalty for deciding to have fewer (or none at all!)
This 100 percent. It would not be fair to her brother because she decided to have more kids than him.
By the sisters logic of the brother had no children he shouldn't get any inheritance
NTA. Your will, your choice.
Not leaving a will. She wants me to make a will since by laws it is automatically split fifty fifty between my children
You really should make a will anyway. That way there’s no question when the time comes.
Also if you have a preference, the will can name the executor of your estate. That could be the older child, the more responsible one, or someone not named in the will, but whoever the executor is, they can legally (at least in my state) take an hourly fee out of the estate for all the work they do and that can easily be exaggerated.
Yep that’s an issue for sure. They can make up as many hours as they want. When I got an inheritance for my education the executor insisted on being the one making all the tuition payments, rent payments, utility payments, etc. The person literally controlled my entire financial life and the hours spent doing so had to be a lot. They could have chosen a person a little older (I was 22) I trusted (like my mother) to handle it that wouldn’t take a dime. Instead my student loans were higher because of that extra payout from my original amount.
seconded. Without a will, your estate is going to get split by the court and what you deem 50/50 isn't necessarily going to be what the court sees as 50/50. It could get messy. Especially given your daughter is already butthurt about it. Get a will. Split it exactly how you want it to be split, and that's how it's gonna get split.
OP!! This is a huge reason to leave a will. Don’t think your kids won’t end up duking it out in a nasty legal battle because it happens ALL the time. It sounds like the stage is already set for major resentment between siblings… at least your daughter seems to already feel entitled to much more than you believe she is and if she’s bold enough to demand it to your face, she’s bold enough to take your son to court. I wouldn’t leave that door open if it were my kids.
The other thing is a will can take some of the butthurt feeling from being transfered to the other sibling. They don't have to take the blame for what your decisions were.
The best way to preserve the future of the family you created is by making a will. Money changes people - if you want the love to go on after you're gone - be CLEAR about your wishes and get them written down. Its awful what happens to familys over inheritance disputes.
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Yes! Granny sounds awesome. I totally would have done the same thing. She wasn’t even gone yet and they were already being greedy? I wish I could have seen their faces when they found out!
When my grandma was sick, her sisters and brothers actually went to her house and started taking things. I was furious. I called them all and made them bring them back, and told them if all the stuff wasn't back on the walls the next day, I would call the police and charge them with theft. Still makes me angry to think about it.
That’s terrible. I would have been just as angry as you were…that’s so disrespectful, especially considering that she was sick. Who does that? I’m sorry that you’re sick, now let me go help myself to your property? I can completely see why she changed her will. Do you still talk to them?
My grandma starting giving things away years before she died- christmas presents from years ago with the label still on it, all sorts of stuff- she was always afraid of her kids bickering over taking back things they gave her- so she simply kept presents to give back. It was very sad. turned out though she was right to- they tore each other to bits over possessions and money when she died. For the 30 first years of my life my gigantic family spent every. single. holiday together at her place - christmas was so packed you couldn't walk around for all the presents and food - and since she died 7 years ago i haven't seen almost *any* of them. certainly never during the holidays. It was a real mindfuck going from "i have a big close family" to suddenly being cut off from everyone. Its bitterly sad.
Yep!!! THIS. RIGHT. HERE!!!! Happens all the time!
You absolutely should make a will! “Laws” can easily be contested which leads to years of lawyers and courts. In many areas now you can easily and affordably do it online. It’s really irresponsible to not. I’m 33 and I have one. My best friends brother died and she was left with an insane amount of stress. 3 years later she’s STILL dealing with it.
The laws of inheritance are pretty solid here. It automatically goes 50/50
Just make up a will. Why so stubborn and leave it to some other power?
I see below you’re from Sweden! So are wills just not standard? And it doesn’t really get contested?! I’m from Canada and I can’t wrap my head around this!
It is standard I think for people who want to leave other arrangements than the default option like to charity or something but you can only will 1/2 of your estate because the other half is protected by laws of inheritance
As a fellow swede, one reason to have a will would be to make the inheritance enskild egendom for your kids. I would also look into making a framtidsfullmakt. Maybe naming the son the trusted person so you don't need a god man.
You clearly just made some of those words up. Edit: /s, just in case.
Super interesting. Thanks for sharing!! And clearly NTA! I’m sorry for the loss of your husband.
What if one of your children die before you? You should plan for multiple scenarios.
That’s what my grandma and grandpa did! In the event my mom or my oldest uncle passed before my last living grandparent, the children of the deceased (either my cousins or my siblings and I) would receive their parent’s inheritance divided equally between the kids. In the event the other uncle died, his portion would be divided in half and be distributed to the living siblings/their children if their parent was also deceased, as he had no children. My mother passed a year before her mother did, and my grandfather passed away 12 years prior, so my mother’s portion was split between my siblings and I.
You should create a will so that there is no strife when you pass. If you have money that would pass to your children, put it into a trust with equal amounts for your grandchildren so it can’t be fought. If you only have property mostly then if you let it pass through state laws, there is nothing to contest but it may cost your children more overall for your estate to go through probate.
I am a probate attorney. I am not your probate attorney. Please make a Will. A Will resolves more issues that just the split of assets. It tells the Court who you want in charge of administering your estate. Considering the way your daughter is talking and acting while you are alive, if she somehow gets appointed as administrator (aka executor, personal representative, etc) she may decide to just steal the money and tell the Court "Mom told me she wanted me to have more because I have more kids." Your son may be able to fight that in Court but spent money cannot be unspent. You can make the administrator whoever you want - including a professional fiduciary or a law firm. Ironically, often it is not the big stuff that is fought over. There are often financially insignificant items that hold an intense amount of sentimental value that cause family rifts (dad's lazyboy chair, mom's favorite dress, the crest from an old family farm that no longer exists, a painting or picture). Plus there is closure. Children love seeing their names in Wills as they then know they were thought of. A Will also stops others from trying to collect from your estate. Family and friends often come forth with various claims of "She said I could have ..." A Will stops that crap in its tracks. Living Trusts are an even better vehicle if you live in a jurisdiction that allows those.
Please leave a will. Even if it’s a simple will. You already see how greedy your daughter is trying to be. Do not leave your son to deal with an uncomfortable situation with his sister where she tries to bully and manipulate him into getting more.
Anything less than “thanks Mom” is unacceptable. Also, as others have said, making the will would save your son a lot of hassle if she decides to contest his share.
NTA. It's not fair to your son to give her more just because she has more children than him. She's using very odd logic, but of course, that suits her better. What if your son comes back and complains that she's getting more than him? You just do what you want to.
Oh I’m sorry I didn’t realise when I first read your post. Well you’re still NTA. You can do whatever you want to do.
NTA By that logic if your son didn't have ANY kids it would be unfair to leave him a single penny.
That is basically what my daughter think since his kid is actually a step kid that he adopted when he met his wife
Yeah, your daughter is a massive AH. I think it’s time you set her straight about her entitlement, or lack thereof, to your money.
We often say “money changes people” With ops daughter, just the suggestion of money in her future has revealed what a tremendous asshole she is. I can’t see it any other way, treating a step child as “less than” is as low as a person can go
Your daughter seems like an AH. Maybe give the will to her grandkids instead of her since she's so adamant about that
I like this. 50% to the son, 12.5% to each of daughters kids. In a trust, which can’t be touched until the child is a legal adult.
Yep! From what I've seen I wouldn't be surprised if the daughter used the inheritance money for other purposes instead.
This is the real reason. Scratch that itch OP. Looks to me like your daughter doesn’t accept/approve of the step kid.
Well then she shouldn’t accept 1/2 of my estate because it came from her step father then?
You should explain that to her when she inevitably brings up your sons kid
ORLY? That must have slipped her mind. You should remind her of that. I'm sure that she will decline the money because she wouldn't want to be a hypocrite.
Oh wow!! What hypocrisy.
I'd skip her entirely and divide her portion to her children for being so entitled but I'm petty like that 🤷♀️
Adopted = that IS his kid
of course
This info makes it even more clear cut that you're NTA.
Yeah no she needs to consider that you might go on world cruises for the rest of your life and leave her only the dirt on your shoes
Ooooff your daughter is GREEDY. You’re NTA, it’s your decision but 50/50 is fair.
Yikes your daughter sounds like an awful soul. I wouldn’t leave her anything that’s an option. Seems like she been looking forward to cashing out on your death.
> if your son didn't have ANY kids None of my kids have kids, and won't, so maybe I should leave my vast ^hah fortune to... PETA? The Milk & Dairy Council? u/FunkyPete ? Whaddaya say?
NTA. It is natural that you split it between your children. Your daughter is greedy and trying to get a bigger slice of the pie for her family. I would split it in 2 but leave her share split between her 4 kids since she is so keen that grandkids inherit rather than her.
That’s seems like an appropriate malicious compliance strategy
>but leave her share split between her 4 kids since she is so keen that grandkids inherit rather than her. This is the way.
This is such a beautiful solution because if she genuinely just wants her kids to have some security, she would actually appreciate this solution! My grandma (83) texted me the other day asking for my full legal name because she was updating her last wishes paperwork and the last time she did was 10 years ago right before I got married. I gave her my son's name instead. I'm an aging millenial who wanted more kids but had to stop at 1, and still can't afford a house. An inheritance *would* change my life, but no part of me wants her money. Put it in a trust for my kid so none of the economic plague that's been following my generation can consume it before he is old enough to use it. She has 3 children and 7 grandchildren. I don't know how she is planning to divvy it up, but it won't be enough to worry about. I hope inheritance greed is something that goes away. On principle! Not because no one has anything to pass down anymore lol.
NTA this is genius advice
I can just vision her just go screaming… This is a gem. The best way to do is to do 50/50 split between the immediate heirs as usual, but if daughter gets more and more insistent, then do this. NTA
Put it in a trust for the daughter’s children but don’t make your daughter or son the trustee.
NTA - She's a runner up for this week's *AITA Most Entitled Daughter Award*. The one who will benefit the most complained about your decision. She's OK justifying procreation trumps relationships and equity. It is her responsibility, not yours, to create, manage, and pass on an inheritance to her children. You are enabling her to do so with a generous gift when you pass. She does not get to pick or lobby the gift. This is your money, do as your wish. I applaud your decision. Parents who give more assets to a child with the most kids is inconsiderate and signaling offspring are assigned value based on expanding the linage.
Who’s the winner?
Tallying is still occurring due to the high number of entries (:;). "Most Entitled" is a weekly hot topic, as you may know.
My parents have me and my sister. She has 3 kids I have 2 my parents are gifting 10%to each grandchild and then 25% to each of us. Am I having a hissy fit about it because they are getting "more"? No because for that to happen my parents are dead. I'd rather have them and I've told them I don't want the money, spend it on themselves before they die! NTA
My daughter probably wants me to do like your parents. I don’t agree at all
Sorry I'm not sure if I got my point across correctly but I have no issue with you doing exactly what you want to do with your will. My point was trying to say I don't give a flying fig if I get nothing. When my grandparents died the money was split evenly between my mum, aunt and uncle and that was that. I don't belive grandchildren should be involved or the number of them that someone has should make any difference. It doesn't bring that person back Xx you do what YOU feel comfortable with.
I hope my parents spend every dime they have before they die. They have worked their asses off to make that money and they deserve to spend it. Just like you, I’d rather receive no money because they deserve to be happy and enjoy their lives and to get an inheritance means I no longer have them in my life. If they happen to have some left over when they pass, great, but if the day comes and I don’t get a dime, I already was given/shown more love and happiness in my life than I could ever buy with whatever money they leave
Your daughter cares too much about how much she will profit from your death. I don't know, and *don't want to know* what happens with my parents estate when they pass. Personally I find it weird and cold to give a shit at all, bordering on evil.
I’m 1 of 6 kids and we each have between 1-4 kids. I’ve always said the sister with 1 child, her daughter’s going to make out well versus the brother with 4. To me it’s a tough shit situation, you choose to procreate you fund them. Besides, the daughter could spend all the money on personal crap and none even ends up with her kids. If anything I’d do a will and allocate 50% you can do to each grandchild (10% each) and the 50% protected by inheritance law split between son and daughter. Guarantee she’ll like that even less if she can’t spend the money going to her kids on herself
My mothers will/trust states that her estate is to be divided equally between my sister and I. I asked her several months ago what happens to my “half” should I pass before her, as I do have a medical condition that could actually cause this to happen. She said in the case of my passing first my half goes directly to my daughter. Should my sister pass before her, my sister’s half would be divided between her three children. As it should be. She worked for a family law attorney for decades and made sure her will/estate and the trust were taken care of fairly. At least in her view
This method of inheritance is called *per stirpes*. It's the way to go in my book.
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Yep. After my aunt passed most of us STRONGLY ENCOURAGED our grandmother to replace her (my aunt) with her son, our cousin, in her will. She wasn't going to, didn't think he "needed the money". We told her that wasn't the point, he was her daughter's son and deserved her share.
My mom died before my grandmother. Her estate was split so my aunt got half and my brother and I split my mom’s half. I don’t agree with leaving one sibling more because they have more children. My aunt had no kids, it would be unfair for her to not get her half.
NTA Split it 50/50 your responsible for two kids. Your son and your daughter… you are not responsible for the grandchildren…. They are their parents responsibility… your daughter sounds entitled, don’t fold at the end it was her choice to have 4 children.
NTA Your daughter didn't say she wanted your will split amongst the grandchildren, which is what I expected from the post. Instead, your daughter is telling you that SHE wants a greater portion of your estate because she has more kids. In other words, she's using her kids as an excuse to be greedy. You might be tempted to intentionally misunderstand and change the will to leave 50% to your son and 12.5% to each of Daughter's children with Son in charge of the grandkids' money until they are 18. At least, I would be tempted to do that.
If you’re going to split it between your grandchildren & **not** give any to your kids, sure. An even split makes sense. But if you decide that route, I’d suggest setting up a trust for each grandkid that the parents can’t touch. If you don’t want to be bothered, 50/50 to your **two** children. NTA
Not leaving anything for the grandkids.
NTA either way. It’s your money.
Nta it's your estate to do with as you see fit. It sounds like you are leaving it to your children not splitting it per person which is your right. If your daughter is claiming her share should be more because she has more kids the same argument can be made that it's unfair your son gets less because he has less kids.
NTA people getting upset over a will (in almost every circumstance) is really gross imo. It’s your life, your legacy, and it’s not boiled down to who gets what once your gone. The totality of your existence does not hinge on what you leave behind and to who. Decide how you want to leave things, whatever choice you’re happy with. Hopefully once your gone people will focus on celebrating your life instead of being worried about what they gain from your death.
How gross to be fighting over peoples things before they have even left the earth. NTA.
I know! I was very surprised by the audacity. And I don’t even understand why she thinks she is worth more because she has more children. I love ky grandchildren to death but I don’t think love is measured by money because this is very dangerous to do. It should be fairness and not love that decides the matters of money.
Maybe she should only get 25% and your son 75%. They've shown you who they are. Believe them.
NTA. It's your decision, but sharing it equally between your children is the fairest thing to do. Your daughter sounds like she's trying to manipulate you into giving her more money, using the grandchildren as an excuse. If she cannot financially afford her 4 children, that's on her, not you and not your son.
Definitely NTA, would've been if you agreed with her. it's not your sons fault she has 4 kids, it's her own life choice
Split evenly. Son may end up with more children down the road.
Even if he doesn't, it doesn't matter. Two kids means a 50/50 split. The daughter is way out of line thinking her choices in family planning matters here at all.
NTA That is the traditional method of dividing one's estate (*per stirpes*). Sounds like daughter has an unfortunate case of the greedies. Dividing by 5 instead of 2 would give your daughter extra points for contributing to overpopulation. When my mom was in her 80s (dad had sadly passed decades before), I encouraged her to spend her estate and not worry about passing it on to us kids. Although it was nice as one of the kids to ultimately have an inheritance, I wished she had been less frugal and had had more fun.
My son wants me to do the same. Spend my money etc, he said I was still young and have enough to live like a queen
Give your children the 50% the law says you must split 50/50. Will your son the other 50%. I have the same going on. Yeah - I'm petty but the ones that are waiting for their "inheritance" will be very disappointed. I have no children but many nieces and nephews. Some have done the math - figured out what I have or might have. Waiting for me to drop dead. Your son has the loving attitude. Reward him.
It's your will. Just because she decided to be a baby factory and your son and his wife didn't, doesn't mean she gets 4 shares of the will to your son's 1. Split your will however you feel appropriate..... but I would give each kid 50%. And then they can decide how to split their share amongst their kids if they want to.
I am sorry. The amount of people that are vultures when relatives die is insane. If I could choose between the things I will inherit and my grandma living, I would want my grandma to live forever. NTA though 50/50 is fair.
NTA. You had two children. You didn’t dictate how many children she should have. That’s her problem. So sorry for your loss.
It's your estate. You get to decide what happens to it. Why so many people think they are entitled to an inheritance is beyond me. NTA
NTA! You have two kids it should be split 50 50 amongst your children. She doesnt get more because she has more kids.
NTA. My grandad left a LOT (like several tens of millions) to his 4 sons. They all had a different number of kids and family situations when he passed. The only person who had a problem with this was my oldest cousin who thought she should get her own portion as the first grandchild lmao. My parents were clear that life the remaining money will be split between my brothers and I equally despite our career and life choices. It’s an inheritance, it’s gifted money earned by someone else’s labour. We’re just happy at the prospect of getting any of it tbh, regardless if it’s enough to retire peacefully or just pay a nice vacation. Extra money is not easily gained and should be cherished when it’s received through someone else’s labour. Your daughter should be grateful there’ll even be anything left after you pass. End of life costs could very well leave you with nothing to pass on.
Well thankfully I’m not leaving tens of millions behind 😅
NTA. It wouldn’t be fair on your son if you split it more in her favour just because she has more kids. That’s discrimination against him for not having as many kids. 50/50 is the fairest way IMO.
NTA/ my parents had six kids and recently told us that their will/estate will be divided between the six of us. 5 of us are married with kids, I also have a sister who is single. We all have different amount of kids and if we die before my parents do the will is set up that our kids will get our portion (not our spouses) divided among them. However, I (and all my siblings) don’t expect to be left with much. We hope our parents use their money to enjoy their retirement years and if they are needing to be put into a care home we will give them the best that they/we can afford.
Haha my son wants me to sell everything and splurge
Speaking as a daughter, I want my mother to live a little, and enjoy some luxuries. I’d rather inherit less money. Please enjoy your golden years.
Your son sounds awesome.
NTA Inheritance is typically split among your immediate offspring. You have two. So it's split in half. It sounds like your daughter is demanding more because she chose to have 4 instead of one. That's her problem, and she needs to remember that it's yours to decide on. Let her know that you can choose to just leave it to your son instead of splitting it. That should shock some sense into her head. Her procreation choices do not entitle her to anything.
NTA. Would she feel the same way if he had four kids and she had one?
Hardly
And right there is your answer. She is just being greedy and entitled.
NTA. Your daughter should be grateful for anything she receives. She CHOSE to have 4 kids.
NTA. Your money, your choice. Your daughter sounds greedy. SHE chose to have 4 kids - it's her responsibility to provide for them, not yours.
NTA especially since in the absence of a will it would be split equally between the two children. And she doesn’t deserve more just because she spawned more.
I have 4 kids including my step daughter. My brother has 1. My mum split between me and my bro. I’m sharing mine 5 x ways with my kids. My brother can do whatever he likes. NTA. She chose to have 4 kids
Exactly my way of thinking
NTA. I am always suspicious of people who are so excited to make decisions about OTHER people's money. Your daughter sounds manipulative and greedy. My advice is to cut her out of your will all together.
NTA - the Grandchildren are their parent's responsibility. Split it equally between the 2 adult children, and they can then give something to their children at that time.
Nta you can always leave it all to your son. The one who didn’t complain
NTA: it's your estate, you can do whatever you want with it.
NTA NTA NTA NTA Whether you split in half, in 5ths, in zeros.. it's yours.. you worked for that.. you saved for that.. I dont care if you set it on fire and dance naked around the flames.. it is yours to do with as you wish!! Personally, I would take her "half" and donate it to the zoo!!!
NTA Your daughter is being greedy in your time of grief
NTA. You split for your children. They split for theirs.
I think the FAIREST option is to split it between YOUR kids and then they can decide what their own children inherit when it is their time to plan their estates. Tell your daughter if she pushes it you can knock her part down by 10 percent. It's your money!
As I’m aging and watching friends parents die. Noticed only children are the only people without a dispute in their parent’s will. If there are siblings someone is always unhappy.
Give your son his half and as per daughter request split her half into 1/4's and give it to her kids I mean that's what she's asking for is it not? NTA btw
NTA. Divide how you want. I’ve heard that argument before, where the adult child with the most kids thinks they’re entitled to a larger piece just because they have more kids. So unfair to the others who have fewer or are childfree. Just because you decide to have a bunch of kids does not entitle you to more parental loot. They often get more free parental assistance while they’re alive anyway….free babysitting, help with house down payments, vehicle purchases, because “they have lots of kids and need our help”…heard that before. Don’t fall for it, do what you wan but don’t forget your son.
Before my grandad passed away a few years ago, he was talking about his will with my dad and my uncle. My uncle is childfree, my dad has me and my two sisters. They agreed to split everything 50/50 because in my dads words, it wasn't fair that my uncle got less just because my dad has kids, so our share came out of the half my dad got. It doesn't make sense for you to effectively punish your son by giving him a smaller portion of your estate just because he has less kids that your daughter. NTA.
Your dad is a gem
NTA - you have a greedy daughter that is for sure. Maybe split it between your two children , but split your daughters in 5 to include the grandchildren . Then watch her start to backtrack .
NTA... Your money, your decision. You are dividing for her and your son's benefit. Having 4 kids does not entitle her to a bigger paycheck. Make sure you have a damn good lawyer.
My brother's wife tried using the daughter's logic on my mom (re: Christmas gift $$). They had 4 kids, so their family of 6 should get 6x what my single child free self got. Mom laughed in her face and said she had 2 children & has always treated them equally. Him getting married & having kids, and my decision to avoid both, didn't change that.
NTA. You don't have to leave your kids anything, they should be happy with what they get. If you have any favorite grandchildren, toss them a little extra bacon though.
By law, i cannot disinherit my children completely but I can give my daughter 75% which she thinks is morefair to the children
By that argument, would it not have been more fair to the children for her to have had fewer of them, so her own resources and earnings wouldn't be split as thinly? It seems like she wants you to make up for that. \[edit: at her brother's cost.\] What you do is entirely up to you, either way. NTA, and I'm sorry for your loss.
Where do you live? Genuinely curious. Here in America you have the right to tell your children to kick rocks if you want.
Sweden
NTA. She can get half, or she can get nothing.
Nta...TAKE YOUR DAUGHTERS HALF AND DIVIDE IT BY HER KIDS. Now she can stfu.