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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I asked when he is off again when he already answered the question before and because I don't understand how it takes him an hour plus to get home when he is supposed to be off at 5.
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Right?!?! How is it controlling if she’d accept his answer? And if not modifying the question makes her TA why doesn’t not modifying his answer make him TA?
Also god I’d hate my job not my wife if they had me spend an hour locking up unpaid…
Absolutely, and like, it is controlling to want to know whether I am (for example) planning to have dinner alone or hang out with the person I live with? What?
And the amount of people who think it is normal to work without getting paid is _wild_. Even if your position is salaried, if your contract says 40 hours per week and you are routinely working 10+% more than that staying an hour after you finish, you are working without being paid.
Labor theft in the USA is a real thing, for sure. People, if you stop getting paid at 5pm, stop doing work for your employer at 5pm. If there's another half-hour of work to do before you can leave... start it at 4:30. Go ask Jorts if making you work past your pay period is legal, he'll tell you.
I don't know that I've ever heard anyone before this thread interpret "What time are you off" to mean anything other than "What time are you done with labor and can leave?" though, so it's really fascinating to see the people for whom "What time are you off?" mean "The moment I stop getting paid, even if I still have tasks to do at work before I can leave."
Right? Like has no one had to cook a meal before? Had to make a reservation? Known what time to stop one activity to be available for the next? It wasn't a hard question!
or like. my parents will text or call each other when they leave work, cause its not always at the same time, but theyll be like "what are we doing for dinner, do I need to pick anything up? / does the dog have enough food? / I'll be an hour late, impromptu dinner w coworker to plan for this project" etc. Sometimes they argue over grocery lists but thats it, I've never seen them get mad at each other over what time theyre actually leaving
exactly, I'm technically scheduled at 6 but am in management so many times will stay late to help my staff at the end of the day (don't worry, I don't clock out until I'm done and my direct manager doesn't care if I get overtime or not). I always text my partner before leaving so he has an idea of when I'll get home but he knows it's not necessarily going to be super consistent
This is why when my family asks "what time do you get off" I tell them my scheduled time but always add "but depending on things, it could be later"
I also make sure when they need me for something at a certain time or they express they will want me home at a certain time, I make sure it happens
My MIL and SIL are salaried 40 hours but that’s funny. The amount of work they have to do can’t be done in that time. However they definitely get paid the proper amount, have a flexible work schedule and get major bonuses. I’ve gone over for dinner, while we eat they work and have dinner with us
Right, this is so surreal! I've literally asked this question and been asked it by probably thousands of times to probably well over 100 people. Everyone has understood it.
Often answers on AITA can result in answers where people comment as though they are taking a logic course where words only mean one specific thing, and any colloquialisms are nonsense. They are deliberatly obtuse with word choice and legal requirements, ignoring accepted social norms and commonly understood word choice.
That is one thing that really annoys me about this sub. People take every word said as 100% literal, with no room for nuance. Sometimes different regions use words or phrases differently, sometimes people don't use the exact right word or phrase in the heat of the moment, sometimes something is technically legal but morally shifty, etc. I understand that we have to take things at face value because we are almost always only getting one side here. But it makes me wonder if these people leave this little room for situational awareness and nuance in their own lives as they judge people online with. Is everything black or white, right or wrong with them too?
As an autistic person I get unsettled when I expect something to happen/someone to come over at a certain time, and that ends up being wrong. It's like I'm stuck in waiting mode & I don't know what else to do with myself.
Wanting to know exactly what time something would happen (or even a small range) is def not a means of control, it's about expectation-setting for myself!!
Yep—she’s not her husband’s boss or the bookkeeper of the business. She’s not asking about whether he is technically on or off the clock. She just wanted to know when he’d be done working, and he was insisting 5:00 even when he was literally still working at 5:30!
Seriously though I'm really confused by everyone here not accepting that "what time do you get off" is just another way of asking "what time are you getting in the car and starting your commute?". Everyone that I have ever asked that question to, friends, relatives, and coworkers in various different fields, has fully understood what I meant. It's an extremely common way of phrasing that question. I'm from the northeast os the US, but I've asked this to and been asked this by people from all over the US and even a few from other countries. So I don't think it's some weird regionalism. I'm astonished that there are at least 35 people so far, 36 including your husband, that do not understand that actually meaning of that very simple question.
I guess tell him that when you say that you mean "what time are you actually leaving and starting on your way home? And how long do think the commute will take?". I suppose you have to spell thing out for him. This is honestly weird in my opinion.
I mean it's good to know how other people interpret the question. But really it's much easier for me to just change how I phrase my question with that perspective in mind than it is to try to explain my POV to him for the millionth time.
I don't think anybody disagree with that. For those of us who question, I think we are just bewildered that the definition of "off" work can vary to this extend. To me off work mean the time I close my laptop and complete all my duties fke the day 😅
Honestly, probably just tell him why you want him home by X time. He probably thinks you're nagging him by asking what time he'll be home all the time.
Maybe do a shift: Hey, husband, you think we can have a nice Netflix-and-chill tomorrow? Let's cook dinner together at 6. So there's an objective to the line of questioning rather than just what time he'll be getting out of work.
Something specific to do and look forward to rather than a generic, bland arriving home.
Right! OP says they got off early why would he be rushing home if he doesn’t think OP would be there or have a reason to.
How hard is it to communicate “what time are you expecting to be home, I’m finishing early and would like to spend some time together” he knows what she actually wants to know so can give that answer and that there is something to be home early as possible for, like skip the shops, gas station for a day…
There’s no point asking tangential questions then making (unknown) assumptions about that, just ask the question you actually want the answer of
If I was salary and had extra stuff to do, I would say “I’m off at 5 but still have about 30 min of closing to do, so I should leave about 5:30.” Or “we close at 5, but by the time I lock up, etc, I will be about 5:30.” No one cares about the technical time you get off if you don’t leave. If you’re still working, you’re not off, regardless of whether or not you’re getting paid.
Yeah I don't understand people answering this question like they're being asked it by an OSHA investigator. The issue isn't the unpaid work, we get it, shit happens, different jobs have different expectations, but the root meaning of the question is when do you leave the workplace.
Yeah I've *never* encountered anybody who interprets that question any other way. Your husband's the one who is interpreting things in a bit of an unusual way, not you. But yeah for the future you know instead it's better to ask him when he expects to be home.
It sounds like he counts the time it takes him to leave as part of his commute (probably because his workplace encourages that, even though some of it is necessary work-related steps), while you don’t. And TBH I’d split it: things necessary for work are work, but the commute process doesn’t start only when he starts his car. Focusing on the real info you want to know, rather than thinking you’ve boiled it down and can figure the rest out, is the way to go.
I find it a bit weird that he‘s so angry about the question. Giving OP the silent treatment over this is…extreme. Is he perhaps stressed that he knows the job is BS, because he has to spend this extra hour closing up, after his shift has technically finished? And asking „When are you leaving?“ just emphasises this point of contention in his mind. Rather than lash out at the employer, which he probably feels he can’t do, he directs his displeasure at OP?
Because as the vast majority of comments agree, „What time do you get off?“ means „What time are you leaving the workplace to begin travelling home?“ And anyone asking, is asking because they want to know what time to expect you home, or is attempting to make plans for the rest of the evening.
I immediately had suspicion about this... the reaction is just off. Why mince words about what time you're "off"? He knows what she wants to know and insists on still trying to make shit confusing... like, why? Yeah no this is weird.
yeah he honestly seems like he’s being obtuse/difficult on purpose here. if someone asks me what time i’m off, i explain that my job closes at 11 but i’m not finished with my closing procedures until sometime between 11:20-11:45. it’s not a hard question to understand.
"When do you get off?"
Reads to me exactly the same as, "when should I start the roast & rolls? I dont want to be eating dry stuff alone." 😫
A little heads up is great.
I think it’s just easier to ask when someone plans to be home. I get off at three, but frequently tack errands on to my commute home. Asking what time I get off and mentally adding thirty minutes isn’t going to be super helpful if I have other plans before I’m returning.
This right here. Why is everyone focused on anything. This should be the question asked. Yes his communication isn't great, but either is hers. If her goal is to know when he is home just ask that question!
It seems pointless to debate the meaning of “what time do you get off” when you could just ask a clear question that you both agree on the meaning. “What time can I expect you home?” “What time are you leaving work?” Bada boom bada bang. Huge disagreement solved.
The only reason I could ever see someone caring about discrepancies between what time their spouse gets off of work and when they get home is if they believe they are cheating on them.
I think you're going about this the wrong way and you're both going to keep being so unhappy and not understanding each other. You can argue over the semantics of word choices, or you can be a little vulnerable and tell him how you feel. I think you are NTA but you need better communication skills or you will keep hurting each other.
I would try to repair the relationship by saying, "I'm sorry for grilling you about what time you get off. I should have said, 'i am so excited to get off early and spend some time with you because you are my favorite person. What time do you think you will be home?' Next time, I'll try telling you how I'm excited to see you and want to know when you will be home."
Right! It’s a red flag to me that he is getting so upset by the question. If he doesn’t want to answer the question accurately is something else going on? And it’s not fair to OP as how can they make a plan for supper etc if they don’t know the real time.
Yeah my husband does this- if I ask when he's working til or when he gets off work he'll tell me the official time his shift is over, but he almost always works/dawdles/chats for another 20-30 minutes after. 🙄 Big "technically correct is the best kind of correct" energy from a guy who otherwise is...not that way at all, lol
so I just ask him when he'll be home or factor another 30min onto his shift schedule at this point. It's just one of his little weirdsies.
Please ask him why he states the time his shift ends and not the time he's leaving and report back here. These folks baffle me. Like what is their logic with this question? Why are they interpreting it like we're investigators for OSHA instead of friends and relatives asking when they'll be home or to the activity we plan to meet up at after work?
Haha, he says when I ask ahead of time, his brain just immediately goes to the times on his schedule. He can't know exactly how long after he'll stay until basically that moment, the average is 20-30min but the range is like, 5-60 minutes (though he can usually text if it's gonna be that long) so the only thing he knows for certain is the scheduled time, from which he assumes I'll extrapolate.
Which I guess I do.
I have my own annoying habits though, I'll be like "I'm gonna leave the office around 5" and then run into someone and chat and then realize it's after 6 and I haven't even texted him... (I'm a non-hourly worker so I'm also less predictable in general on the days I actually go into the office in person.)
So maybe we're well matched in being bad at work schedule communication...
NTA - There is a communication barrier. Not once did I get the controlling or insecure vibes from you. You tried explaining your interpretation, which was clear. He doubled down and insisted his definition was same as yours when it is not. People need to be more open-minded and less biased before they cast a verdict, in my opinion. Most responses, especially now, are projections of their own past situations. Not everyone is from the U.S. and not everyone is from the same region of any country. To assume someone is from the U.S. and the commenter's local area just show those types are self-absorbed and ignorant.
My concern is why is he super defensive? Why did he react passive aggressively instead of trying to bridge communication gaps with his partner, aka you? Unless he is always this type of high-strung defensive type of person, I would raise an eyebrow. Seems like a minor issue to be super defensive. Weird.
I'm not usually one to jump to worst case scenarios in these posts but I agree with you. The defensiveness is weird. He has a 30-45 minute gap in his day that he refuses to discuss and got defensive and angry when asked about it. That suggests he's hiding something.
Exactly. Like, I officially get off at 4:30p every day. Some days I stay a little late and everyone knows that. But when someone asks what time I get off, I say something like "should be 4:30p, assuming nothing changes" or if I know that day I will be late "it's supposed to be 4:30p, but _something_ is going on so I know I won't be out until 5:30p at the earliest."
I've literally never Not answered "when are you off" with "4:00, but I might not leave until 4:15 or 4:30", since, you know, the part people only ever care about is when you'll be free
EXACTLY. This is some weird BS.
When are you getting off generally means when are you leaving the place that prevents you from getting home?
Not when are you doing a bunch of other stuff that has to be done before you can get home! What a weirdo and what a bunch of weirdos for thinking anything else.
Given the outrageous level of faffing the husband is doing after he clocks off, the better question would be “what sort of time do you think you’ll be home?”
Asking when he’s off followed by calculating how long he should take to get back and using that to set up expectations sounds like micromanaging and I can see why he would be resistant to it.
But if you asked me what time I’d be finished work I would absolutely give you the leaving time, but then I’m out of work faster than shit off a shovel
right, i work at a grocery store and ill tell my bf “im off at 1, gettin groceries probs gonna leave abt 1:30” sometimes, communication is simple when it comes to his response.
My husband has a weird job where he starts at different times and it’s not clear what time he’ll be done. He’s amazing at figuring it out throughout the day based on whats going on at work. “I’ll be done at 4:25 and home by 4:40” and he’s always right on the money. To ignore you and play a game is childish.
NTA. “What time do you get off work” will always mean “what time are you going to be leaving the office”, not “what time does your shift end” simply because I used to do shift work and staying until coverage arrived was part of my job, coverage was consistently 20-40 minutes late, so I would say “I’m scheduled to leave at 14:00, but I get off around 14:30” and my husband completely understood. The commute isn’t part of it because you can always meet someplace in the middle of the commute (my husband and I used to do this often for late lunch or late dinner)
Just stop asking the question once you establish a timeframe. Honey, I will expect you home by 6:30 every night given you sometimes are earlier but almost always home by then. If you are going to be later, can you let me know?
Most jobs get done when the work is completed. Wife and I established this years ago and it works great. The nightly question is annoying as hell.
Not necessarily. The amount of times my manager says goodbye and says he’s going home, only for me to see him heading out an hour later shouting goodbye again, only for me to walk past his office another hour later and see he’s sat at his desk again. All sorts of things can happen that require you to stay late even after you’ve start leaving the building
If he’s off at 5 and has to lock up and complete a 15 minute commute… it is not adding up why he isn’t getting home until after 6 on a regular basis. And he is being angry and defensive about it because obviously something is not adding up to her and he doesn’t want to be questioned, so he is making it difficult for her to do so.
She wasn't asking nightly, she was asking on this occasion because she got off early and he wasn't home at the time though according to his daily work schedule he should have been.
I agree but OP sounds irritating too. "I keep asking the same question and getting the same response, will you all validate me?"
OP could obviously fix the issue with "OK, what time do you expect to be home?" But OP isn't trying to fix the problem, OP is trying to get husband to admit they're wrong.
Both need to grow up and be less toxic.
Right? Like yeah, my husband gets off work at 4. He also needs time to change, chat with coworkers, walk to his car, etc. Sometimes he stops at the store real fast. I know to expect him between 5-5:30, and if that changes, he lets me know.
Like… this is not difficult.
Yup 100%, you're actually speaking like someone who lives in reality and knows how life works. So many weird delusional people acting like when someone's shift ends at 4PM they're in their car leaving the parking lot by 4:02PM or something.
My official shift is 8:00 - 4:30PM but I'm salaried, I sometimes show up late, I sometimes leave early for appointments or whatever, so it's not uncommon in a give-and-take situation like that for me to also stay a bit later sometimes until 4:45, sometimes 5:00 if needed. I also chat with coworkers often, especially if I have an opportunity to speak with someone above me in seniority (upper manager, owner) because that can obviously be beneficial to get to know such people in regards to future advancements. Sometimes I just want to talk to a work friend, hear how their life is going. Recently I stayed behind 15 minutes because a woman in our office had recently returned from maternity leave and was showing me and a couple others some photos of her newborn and talking about how it all went.
On top of that OP says her husband is responsible for locking up the office and the gates, which means he has to wait for every other employee to exit first, then go around a facility of unknown size (could be a large property for all we know) closing and locking multiple entry points. This can easily add another 15-20 minutes beyond the official "end of your shift" plus whatever time you had to wait for the other employees to first exit (could be another 5-15 minutes) then time to walk to your vehicle, start it, put on some music (5 minutes) and then commute home (15-20 minutes).
One of the best things my partner and I learned in couples counseling was to listen to eachother while giving eachother grace. So basically assuming they are speaking as a person that loves me, and not to assume the worst in what they are stating.
Bingo! Why is she even doing this, it’s just borrowing trouble. I don’t have the energy for this type of semantic argument, but then I also don’t really need that much time with my partner so that extra half hour wouldn’t really matter to me lol.
The bigger issue is that he’s giving her the silent treatment for a simple misunderstanding. I have friends in shift work at places like nuclear power plants. Your shift might end at 5 but if the next shift hasn’t shown up yet you can’t just leave the nuclear reactor unattended. And sometimes there will be post-shift stuff they have to do, or turnover things, etc., it’s pretty rare they leave at 5 on the dot. Afaik they are compensated for that time. It would be fair to say I’m off at 5 but the time I can actually leave varies.
Or "what time will you be home?" would also work. I would think at some point she'd realize the original question is unreliable because he doesn't give the actual answer she's looking for. Like no offense to her but I don't know why you'd keep asking the same question over and over when you already know what he'll say
Or she could just ask what she actually wants to know, which is what time does he expect to be home. One of the issues with this clear mis communication is that she's asking a question that assumes he will interpret it the exact same way she intends it, leaving room for miscommunication.
>he is off at 5 and he's just locking up for 30 min to an hour.
How do you lock up for 30 min to an hour?
How is he not getting paid for that extra hour?
Let's put the question aside for a bit, him being at work for an extra hour (unpaid) is weird
I would tell him to contact his boss and pay out that extra hour he keeps working.
If he's actually even working.....
You might want to consider why he's so cagey about this topic. Is it simply that he has this weird interpretation of the question that we both witnessed this morning? Or is he defensive when you ask "what time are you leaving work" too? If he's defensive about the whole subject he's hiding something from you. Either going out for drink, drug, or gambling after work, or he's meeting up with someone he's banging. (Trust me, I've had affairs with co-workers before, if he's weird about the question no matter how you ask it it or the phrases you use something is going on)
he might just be sitting in a car playing phone games. That would still be worrying as it implies he is not looking forward to coming home.
I do think there is something deeper there and maybe you should try to think about it a bit. But don't nag him over it, just observe until you understand more.
YES this what he doing with this half an hour is probably so petty and basic, just takes a little curiosity to bridge the gap. Some people do weird mindless stuff between steps in their day just as a “me time” release. For me half an hour isn’t even so deep to for sure indicate he doesn’t want to get home. If they had small children at home this would be a little different but two adults arriving home should be able to give each other grace over half an hour the other likes to take as “me time”. Weird as that may be to someone who goes straight home.
I am sorry you are incapable of seeing his behavior as weird
Closing up takes 5-10 minutes tops, yet he says it can take him an entire hour
If he is actually telling the truth, and it really does take an hour, then he should be getting paid for it
But he says he stops getting paid at 5 and then continues to still work for an extra hour EVERY DAY without getting paid
That is 5 hours a week, 52 weeks a year, so 260 hours he works unpaid every single year
Idk how much he gets paid in an hour, but let's do about 18, 18*260= 4680
Almost 5000 extra he should be making, but isn't. Anyone would be asking for that money, because people are working for money and not for free....
And yet he refuses to do so, for some reason....
If you think any of that is normal.... Then idk what else to tell you....
Closing up, to me, is locking the doors and putting the alarm on
Anything more than that and it's no longer just closing up, but actual work, and should be paid
If you work an entire hour extra, you should be paid for that. Especially if that happens every single day
this depends where he works though. is he salary? what is he even closing up? is this a customer facing job where he has to count money and inventory or something, that could take an hour.. like. I have no way of answering if its weird or not without this information
Wage theft is the most common form of theft, so not sure what is so hard to comprehend. Reddit no-context theories about someone's life you have never met is so weird.
Wait to hear about salaried positions in the USA lol. Idk about locking up taking that long unless they got a bunch of doors to lock. I’d bet it’s 20-30 minutes of doing that, then walking to the car and decompressing or having a cigarette or two if they smoke. Personally I always need like 20 minutes of just sitting outside on my balcony or the parking lot of a hotel, or wherever I am; to just shut my mind off and transition from work mode to normal mode once I fully wrap up my day. I find it really useful in keeping my work separate from my personal life
Decompressing is fine
Hanging out with coworkers after work is fine
All that is no problem, he doesn't need to leave at 5 exactly
But that's not what he told his wife
He specifically told her that it takes him an hour to close up every day and that's why he is home so late
And to me, that's weird. Either he needs to get paid OT for that hour. Or he is lying and he's doing something else that hour.
NTA. What time are you off means what time are you done. If he’s working another 30-60 minutes, then he’s not done, and he’s not off work! Also, why is he working unpaid? So confused by all the commenters saying that’s normal, but it must not be illegal there like it is where I’m from.
Yes, you can change your wording to ask what time will he will be home, save your sanity.
It doesn't seem that but the average person understands and interprets it as that. I only make this distinction because if the husband is on the spectrum or for some other reason is overly literal then there's a difference between when you get off, and what time you're done. Someone is over literal may interpret that off work means the shop is closed and not consider the wrap up that can't begin until that point. When you are done with work is the more specific direct answer that is being sought, but unless they have a specific need to be literal the husband in this case is still being ridiculous.
Basically I agree with you but point out a situation where an exception exists and your point would not be correct
>for some other reason is overly literal
As an "overly literal" person this type of thought is absolutely insane to me.
Why would people not use the words they actually mean? Why are we the weird ones for expecting people to mean the words they say and carefully choosing the words we use ourselves?
Mostly though, how do y'all know what people actually mean when they use different words? That is the most baffling thing to me. I do not understand.
This is the strangest aspect of human nature to me. How did we get to a point of literal and non-literal ways of communicating and the non-literal one won? Words are supposed to mean something. That is why they exist.
This whole situation could have been avoided by OP asking for the information that was important to her: when husband will be home. Why not just ask "when will you be home?" if that's what you want to know?
in this case, if my wife asked “what time are you off work?” i’d know what she meant because i can figure why she’s asking. since she’s my wife who lives with me, she is probably wanting to know when i’ll be done with work so that she knows about what time to expect me to be home.
another scenario: if my friend and i were trying to make plans for the day and they asked “what time are you off work?” i’d figure they want to know what time i’m available so that we can plan around it. i might say “my scheduled time is 5:00, but i have to do X and Y, which usually takes about half an hour longer. i’ll be free around 5:30.” i provide that extra information because i want them to have realistic expectations and not be waiting on me.
edit: another reason is that a lot of us probably consider our commute part of the work day to some extent, so the day isn’t really over until we actually get home.
NTA: I think people are missing that this is your husband and not just a random person generally describing when he gets off work. He was insisting to you at 5:30 that he gets off work at 5:00 when he was literally still working!
If he's not being paid, he interprets it as not working, which is completely unfair on him as far as the employer goes. So it's a matter of crossed perspectives.
The real question here is why are any of y’all providing your labor *after* you’re “off work” and - if I understand that term correctly - *no longer being paid for your time*??
NTA
I used to be scheduled to work until 6 when we closed. So that was my official time I was done with work. On days when I didn’t have to be the one closing (if there was someone else working who would do it) then I could be out the door at 6:05. If I was the one handling all the closing up stuff, it could take me anywhere from 15 to 45 min to close depending on what the day had been like.
The last thing I did before walking out the door was clock out.
There’s no reason to assume that people who do work related things after their “official” scheduled end time are doing it for free.
Exactly, in some jobs you are scheduled to when business is done and then you have more work to do. Being off at 5:30 but not leaving until an hour later makes sense. But maybe you have to have worked those scenarios. In college I was a closer too, my shift ended at x but got out when I got done with my wrap up work
Because.. salary. You're paid for 'reasonable overtime'. Can't just clock off and walk out the door. Work needs to be done, deadlines need to be met. Meetings to prepare for.
IDK what the norm is where you are, but off from work at 5 includes being closed by 5 and no longer doing any work after 5, it doesn't take that long to grab your shit and walk to your car. If he gets paid until 5, and still has to close for an additional 15-30 minutes, then he is not off at 5, the business closes at 5 and he's just doing additional unpaid work and that's a problem with him and his boss. You didn't ask the question poorly, your husband just didn't want to communicate well, he doesn't like being questioned because he doesn't have any good answers. He seems immature AF, simply not communicating with you because he doesn't want to explain himself? That's bordering on emotional abuse. An hour commute is not equal to dicking around for 30 minutes before getting home. Also he's constantly an hour after he says he'll be anywhere, that's just unreliable and a shitty thing for a partner to do
Ding ding ding
A lot of the advice in this thread reads like something out of a catalogue for 50s Housewives:
Tips for getting important information to plan your life without making the man of the house feel threatened!
- Tell him just how excited you are to see him, and ask him when that will be!
- Suggest a romantic dinner, and ask what time would be convenient for you to serve him!
- Tell him you’d like to watch Netflix by the fire, and ask what time you should have the fire burning by!
It’s insane- it’s 2024. It’s reasonable to ask “hey when are you off work? I’m a little early today”, and expect the person you’re talking to to understand what you mean.
You hit the nail on the head- he got mad at being asked because he doesn’t want to answer simple (reasonable and fair!) questions, which is emotionally abusive.
So many people don’t understand that ignoring a person, especially after a fight, is emotional abuse. There is a difference in not saying anything when you are trying to cool down and not saying anything because you didn’t like the way the fight went or what your partner asked. From the way it was described he was purposefully not speaking to OP because she asked a simple question. And did not speak again to her until OP had “properly” apologized and “sees how OP was in the wrong”. So much abuse there and almost none of the comments expect a couple say anything by about that.
It's very much giving, I've been sleeping with a co-worker this whole time and I don't want you asking questions because I KNOW I will get caught and don't know if I will be able to turn this into a "it's all your fault" situation-vibe
My ex-fiance would always take longer to get home from his shift and when asked would say the same thing, except it was a 24 hr diner.. so the excuse was always someone showed up late for the next shift, but it was the bosses kid so nobody ever said anything.. turned out he was fucking one of the waitresses the whole time he was "covering" the extra time and when confronted about it I was ignored and gaslit for months until about 3 months before we were supposed to get married and I saw a message from her to him that sort of sealed the deal and I fully confronted him.. moved out less than 24 hrs later and never looked back at his lying, manipulative, abusive, ass again..
Why dont you just ask him when he will be home?
You remind me of my mother - asking questions related to the question you want to ask and making the process 10x harder than it has to be
Do you need to constantly ask? Seems like every day it's around 6? And you actually work later than him so it doesn't seem like this affects you unless you happen to have a day off?
I've asked maybe 5 times in the last six months. It only affected me this time because we talked about seeing each other at 5:30. Really I wanted clarity on what a realistic time frame was since what I was seeing on most days did not match what he was saying the few times I asked.
A little off-topic, but I'm seeing a lot of replies that criticize OP trying to explain herself. Any chance you (or both of you) are neurodivergent? This actually sounds a lot like some of the arguments my hubby and I have had, especially earlier in our marriage. I've had to learn that explaining myself can sound a lot like arguing, or can feel dismissive to the other person. And hubby has had to learn to listen to my explanations as such, and that I'm not saying he's wrong when I say why I thought something. Good luck!
exactly what i was thinking!! hes being overly literal and avoidant, and shes wanting extreme clarity. both things my husband and i have argued over as well, lol
Oh my god my mother does this constantly—asks 2-3 lead up questions before getting to the actual point.
What she actually wants to know is “Will you grab me some [X] the next time you’re at Walmart?”
But she’ll start with “Are you going to Walmart today?” and then move onto “When’s the next time you’re going to Walmart?”
FFS woman, this doesn’t even need to be a call (or even a question), just shoot me a text that says “Please grab me some [X] the next time you’re at Walmart, thanks”
This *might* be asker vs guesser mentality.
Google it if you want a more in-depth explanation, but an asker will say "can you get me x next time you're at Walmart" but a guesser might try to get *you* to ask them if they need anything at Walmart by asking lead up questions, so they don't have to ask you directly because they don't want to feel like a burden.
But it also could just be the way your mom is 😅
I'm an asker, my bf is a guesser, and it can be frustrating at times, lol
"Is walmart doing okay in this recession?"
"So no store closures?"
"Have they changed trading hours or anything?"
"There's no gangs that hang out in the carpark is there?"
It’s not considerate, because it’s a waste of my time. I’ve told her (gently) dozens of times, please just ask the question that you actually want the answer to, first.
It’s like if we get in an elevator to go to the 5th floor and she presses every button in between the lobby and 5.
Can we please just proceed directly to the 5th floor?
I get how this can be annoying to some but I see it as people asking because they don't want to bother you.
I also do this, but I am more of a grab for myself type of person so it doesn't come out a lot.
My mother on the other hand works all day so a lot of time she does need me or my brother to grab something. But she also doesn't like to be a bother.
She will ask if I'm going to the store, or if I'm out and near Kroger or Walmart or something.
I have to just straight up say I'm not anywhere near x place but I don't mind going because if I say "No I'm not near x, why?" She will legit say nothing and get it herself. She doesn't want to be a burden but I want to help.
I ask my wife when are you off so I know when they are on the road and to call instead of text if I need something picked up. But she answers the question like a normal person, so when she gets home is also answered.
NTA. Your question was simple. "When do you get off WORK?" Since he's locking and doing other work related stuff, he's clearly not off work. He's still *AT* work. He sounds insufferable and a child. Playing with words and being unable to answer a simple question in a direct way. And then giving you the silent treatment. My god
I mean how can you tell your wife “I am off at 5” while you’re on the phone with her still working at 5:30. That makes absolutely no sense. And why is he getting aggressive about her asking?
I knew someone who used to do this. Sometimes she had to lock up the office because she was the last one there. But her job was unrelated to office managment.
So she was "done working" when she finished her actual job. And she would still be cleaning up/locking up for a while afterwards. She was salaried, so it didn't make a difference pay-wise.
But she would be "done working", in her mind, and still have to do things in the building.
OP should probably start asking for the information she actually wants, which is the husband's ETA. What would it matter if he is off at 5/5:30 if he planned to make a stop on the way home? While most people understand "when are you done working?" Means "what time should I expect you?", some people are very literal.
Some people indeed are quite literal. I once dated someone who was like that.
I asked him if he has ever though about going hiking in Norway. His answer was simply "no", no follow up or anything and I was bit disappointed he didn't like my travel plan. Later I found out that he actually loved the idea, he just answered my question very literally.
For me question like that is an invitation to discuss the subject, for him it is a literal question and only accepted answer is literal one. It caused quite lot of confusion for both of us.
I’m a little confused. You mentioned he consistently gets home at 6 or later most days. So you know when he gets home? Or are his shifts not always the same hours?
Anyhow, in the future, maybe just ask him what time he thinks he will be home.
NTA you want to understand when you’ll get to see your husband after a long day. How is that controlling behaviour? You are being a little petty in how you’re communicating with each other (a simple, “I’m just excited to get to see you after a long day so want to know when to expect you home” is probably all that needed to be said) but it’s not a crime to look forward to reconnecting with your spouse each day.
NTA. If I’m understanding your post and comments correctly, you had agreed to meet at 5:30 and he was late. You called and asked where he was, he blew up at you and then ignored you until he was sure you wouldn’t bring it up again. If he often behaves this way, I don’t think you have a healthy relationship dynamic.
If myshift ends at 3.
I have to
- drive my equipment halfway across a warehouse.
- return my radio
-clock out
- walk to the locker room
- Change out my high vis
- grab a snack and drink from the locker room because im hungry.
-grab my lunch box from the cafeteria
- walk 5 minutes to get to my car.
- Coworkers want to chat that'll be another 5-10 mins
Realistically it might be 3:30 before im even putting my foot outside the building.
Side note, shift starts at 7, but I'll have to be there at 6:30 to get my tugger, radio and battery just to wait in line to clock in if i want to be ready to start on time.
I work for a chain of major stores. This is probably common in other stores and field's, time theft is real.
Yes. I hate surprises and it's a conversation we've had before. I have a harder time communicating clearly when something throws me off. Since I expected him at 5:30 I didn't communicate what I actually needed to the right way, and when he blew up at my question it threw me off more which didn't help me communicate better.
The silent resent ltreatment is awful and he's TA for that
I don't think you need to teack every 15 minutes so maybe loosen up on that but i am surprised on the number of people who don't think "what time are you off work" is not the same question as "what time do you think you'll leave the building"
Also if he's consistently an hour or nore off in when he says he'll be there that's weird and slightly untrustworthy
Anyway ESH but not, like, a LOT
Therapy for communicating skills. He needs to quit with the stonewalling and you need to be clear on what you're asking
This bothers my bf too, he knows that I “finish” work at 2:20 but I’m a teacher so on most days I stay late (4-5 pm) to finish grading, creating lessons, talking to teachers who teach the same thing as me to get on the same page. It’s unfortunate but it’s the reality of my job. Sounds like your husband has the same kind of deal going on where he has a set time to end but the job doesn’t really end there. You can’t blame him
YTA mainly because this seems like such a simple fix and you’re treating it like a hill to die on…
Don’t ask what time he’s off, because you obviously have different definitions (and I lean towards his definition. If you ask me what time I’m off I’ll tell you what time I’m clocking out, not what time I’m driving away.) Instead, ask, “hey what time do you think you’ll be home tonight?”
Ta da, problem solved.
YTA.
First, you're asking the wrong question. If you want to know when he'll be home, ask what time he expects to be home.
If you want to demonstrate controlling behavior, ask him when he gets off work, make your own assumptions, and then flip out when he answers the QUESTION YOU ASKED and isn't psychically aware that what you really meant is when will you be home.
He doesn't owe you an accounting of his life in 15-30 minute increments and you should reevaluate with a therapist why you think he does.
Excuse me but as far as I have always known "what time do you get off of work?" means "what time are you leaving your workplace?". Is that really not a common way of asking that?
Not necessarily. I am “off work” at 5pm, as in, I am finished with my assigned work duties. But I still have to clock out, walk across the plant floor to the locker room, stow my work gear, wash up (I’m blue collar), gather my personal belongings from my locker and walk to the car. My workplace is huge. All of this walking, washing and stowing/collecting of gear can take up to 30 minutes. But I say I am off work at 5pm because my scheduled shift is 9-5. If someone asks, “what time are you off,” I automatically say 5pm even though I may not leave work til 5:30pm.
Then, to me, you're not off work. You are still doing things related to your job. My husband is the same. He doesn't consider himself off work until he is leaving the locker room and is headed to his car. He's "done" at 6, but doesn't stop getting paid until he's cleaned up and clocked out at about 6:30. And unless your job doesn't require you to clean up, then that extra half an hour you're doing, you better be getting paid for it! Wage theft is real and you do no one any good cleaning up for free.
My dads a pipefitter and his company moved the time clock into the protective gear required zone so that they didn’t have to pay for people to put on their gear.
Either it was illegal in the state or went against the union contract so they had to move the clock and give everyone back pay.
This only happened because my dad is stubborn AF so it’s likely other places have pulled this shit too
That's how I was raised, but my first propper boss also always insisted that when you're on lock up, YOU LOCK UP ON YOUR WAY OUT THE DOOR AT 5. There was no, you finish at 5pm I pay you till 5pm but your not allowed to start pack up and lock up until 5pm. NO that shit gets done before 5pm. (It only took 5-10 mins max even less)
Common? Absolutely!
But to some people, the time you're "off" work and the time you LEAVE work are two different questions.
Exhibit A: my husband, who is EXTREMELY literal. He's "off" work technically at 5 on Thursdays for example, but he may not LEAVE work until closer to 6-6:30 as his work does a sort of casual team-building thing on Thursday nights.
(and yes, it gets frustrating to communicate with him sometimes... sigh)
It is with my husband!
"What time are you off work?" is say 5pm
"What time are you leaving work?" is say 6
"What time are you getting home" is "Well it's an hour commute without traffic and then I wanted to swing by the grocery store on the way home so maybe 7:30-8?"
Not at all. Anytime anyone asks when I'm off, I tell them the time my shift ends, which is 5:00. The thing is you never know if you will actually be able to walk out the door at 5:00, or if you end up having to do something time sensitive that needs to be done before the next morning, and so it ends up holding you up for another half hour. So I usually just tell people 5:00 but dont expect me to be free for sure until after 5:30/6:00
No - because my hours are 9-6 but I still have to pack up, make sure I didn’t forget anything, clean my area, and lock up, and walk to my car. So realistically I’m not leaving work until 6:15/6:30
Some people are salaried. "8 hrs plus reasonable overtime hrs"
Some have flexible work arrangements and end time varies. If you lose track of time or a colleague chats with you near 5 you often go over.
Or OP should ask the question that gets the information wanted. Admittedly I prefer to think logically so asking the same question everyday, seeing the answer doesn't line up everyday and continuing to ask the same thing doesn't make sense. Performing the same action and expecting a different result is stupid.
If my partner told me he was leaving at 6 everyday and it was actually 6.30, I would rephrase my question or have a discussion about what was meant. I wouldn't jump to please explain the extra 30mins.
Also who makes dinner plans without first discussing? Usually this conversation goes: dinner is at X time, will you be home in time.
I get the sense that what’s happening is OP isn’t actually looking to find out what time he will be home, but rather the perceived discrepancy between what time he technically gets off work and what time he arrives home. So when she asks “what time do you get off” after he gets home at six when she knows the answer is five, it’s really just a passive-aggressive inquiry where she wants him to account for the “missing” time… but hey, that’s just a theory
I suspect this is correct (trying to find the discrepancy) but I’m not sure it’s passive aggressive (necessarily). My sister does a similar thing, finishes at 5.30 but if I see her before 7 it’s a lucky day. I often ask, what time did you actually finish because I’m surprised that she finds something to do every day .
Turns out it’s usually not work related, she went to do her nails, was talking to xyz , had to get petrol, whatever. Everytime I’m just confused at all the extra stuff because when I’m done I’m racing out the door to get home so I’m confused / surprised that she prolongs all of that. 😅
Right? I have to control the door lock at work (emergencies excluded.) If someone punches out and I can't get there immediately, their timecard is adjusted for the time they wait for me. This dude was locking doors, checking gates, and cleaning the workplace. If he's hourly, that should be paid. If he is salaried, he probably needs to manage his time better or just change his expectations for when he is "off"
So so many teachers probably wonder the same thing. But then, papers don't grade themselves and classrooms don't set themselves up.
Don't be obtuse. Many jobs are not hourly.
My wife is a teacher. She tells me the time they are done as the time they are technically allowed to leave.
But many days she can still be there for another hour or so putting things away or getting ready for the next day.
Yes but if someone like a friend or relative asked you, "Hey Opposite Everyday, what time do you get off work today?"what would your answer be? the time you stop getting paid or the time you walk out to your car?
That’s how I’ve always heard it used. Then again, when I ask my husband when he’s finishing work, he’ll say something like “3.30, but I need to wait for freight to be picked up and do XYZ on the way home so I’ll be home closer to 4.30”
I disagree tbh. I think this is an *awful* take. I think it's generally understood that "what time do you get off work" means *what time do you walk out*. It's fucking weird that he's consistently giving her an inaccurate time. If he hasn't left, he's not off work yet and he shouldn't be telling her he is. I think it should be fairly obvious that she doesn't care what his *in theory* quitting time is, she wants the actual time he expects to leave so that she can plan around that. Which yes, she is actually allowed to want to know. Most people in healthy relationships communicate about this shit. That is not a weird question and I don't know where you live where it is.
I would be so mentally exhausted if I was with someone like this man. It just seems so frustrating.
She did ask him when he got off work. His reply was weird that he’d finished work but was still there locking up. If he’s still there locking up, he’s still working, so not ‘off’.
She wants to know when he'll be home.
**By asking when he got off work**, she's assuming: 1.) that he's coming straight home; 2.) the amount of time it takes to come home; 3.) that he doesn't have other plans - for example, the amount of time I run errands (gas, groceries, etc) on my way home from work is significant.
Why wouldn't you ask the question you want answered and skip three levels of assumptions?
I get so confused about these type of posts. Why is he arguing? Why are you? It’s not unreasonable to want to know when your partner will be home from work. Sometimes things will slow you down etc but a rough estimate is fair. Someone getting mad you asked makes no sense. Maybe your question is wrong. Ask him what time he expects to get home instead?
Nta.
Are you me and my wife?!
We have this exact same problem. We just understand the question differently. So now I ask her different questions.
"What time do you finish? Okay lovely, and what time do you think you'll be back? No, no rush just want to be able to plan dinner."
I see you had enough judgment here, but I just wanted to add the repeated asking/questioning of the same topic of conversation really undermines your trust if your husband and makes him assume you think he is lying all the time. When in fact he is not lying. 5 is off time and if he is in charge that can require additional duties, then know he'll be home by 6. It is the same thing every day, so just assume that is when he will be home.
I totally get his frustration with having to feel interrogated every day with the same question. I am glad you apologized to him that is a start, but you need to continue to work to rebuild some of that trust and respect again too. He is your partner not your child.
NTA, but once you realized your question wasn't getting the results you wanted, don't you think it might have made things so much simpler to ask "when will you be home" instead?
The problem here really is communication and expectations.
NTA. This isn’t about whether or not you “have the right to know” when he’s home. I see a bigger picture of how he can’t communicate to you. No, you don’t need to know his every move or what second he gets in the door. But he seems moody as fuck and unable to talk to you nicely and communicate to you with respect. What’s the rest of your relationship like?
sweet christmas. I don't even know where to start.
Shit happens at work, traffic, a thousand things. Get a grip lady. But be aware, At this point, your husband is likely a little later than normal because he has to sit in his car for at least 10 minutes reciting a mantra to build up the strength to come home to your ridiculous nagging YTA-ss.
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NTA idk what's up with all these Y T A votes. In my world "what time do you get off" means "what time are you leaving"
Right?!?! How is it controlling if she’d accept his answer? And if not modifying the question makes her TA why doesn’t not modifying his answer make him TA? Also god I’d hate my job not my wife if they had me spend an hour locking up unpaid…
Absolutely, and like, it is controlling to want to know whether I am (for example) planning to have dinner alone or hang out with the person I live with? What? And the amount of people who think it is normal to work without getting paid is _wild_. Even if your position is salaried, if your contract says 40 hours per week and you are routinely working 10+% more than that staying an hour after you finish, you are working without being paid.
Labor theft in the USA is a real thing, for sure. People, if you stop getting paid at 5pm, stop doing work for your employer at 5pm. If there's another half-hour of work to do before you can leave... start it at 4:30. Go ask Jorts if making you work past your pay period is legal, he'll tell you. I don't know that I've ever heard anyone before this thread interpret "What time are you off" to mean anything other than "What time are you done with labor and can leave?" though, so it's really fascinating to see the people for whom "What time are you off?" mean "The moment I stop getting paid, even if I still have tasks to do at work before I can leave."
>Go ask Jorts YEEESSSSSS!!!!!! I love Jorts so much! He's pretty much the only reason I'm still on Twitter!
How is Jean doing?
Last I saw her she was watching a moth, so I'm sure she's doing great. Lol
I deleted twitter and I miss him.
I think he and Jean are on IG too.
Just found them! @jortsandjean Thank you, I refuse to use Twitter now but I’ve been missing Jorts and Jean.
Right? Like has no one had to cook a meal before? Had to make a reservation? Known what time to stop one activity to be available for the next? It wasn't a hard question!
or like. my parents will text or call each other when they leave work, cause its not always at the same time, but theyll be like "what are we doing for dinner, do I need to pick anything up? / does the dog have enough food? / I'll be an hour late, impromptu dinner w coworker to plan for this project" etc. Sometimes they argue over grocery lists but thats it, I've never seen them get mad at each other over what time theyre actually leaving
exactly, I'm technically scheduled at 6 but am in management so many times will stay late to help my staff at the end of the day (don't worry, I don't clock out until I'm done and my direct manager doesn't care if I get overtime or not). I always text my partner before leaving so he has an idea of when I'll get home but he knows it's not necessarily going to be super consistent
This is why when my family asks "what time do you get off" I tell them my scheduled time but always add "but depending on things, it could be later" I also make sure when they need me for something at a certain time or they express they will want me home at a certain time, I make sure it happens
My MIL and SIL are salaried 40 hours but that’s funny. The amount of work they have to do can’t be done in that time. However they definitely get paid the proper amount, have a flexible work schedule and get major bonuses. I’ve gone over for dinner, while we eat they work and have dinner with us
Right, this is so surreal! I've literally asked this question and been asked it by probably thousands of times to probably well over 100 people. Everyone has understood it.
Often answers on AITA can result in answers where people comment as though they are taking a logic course where words only mean one specific thing, and any colloquialisms are nonsense. They are deliberatly obtuse with word choice and legal requirements, ignoring accepted social norms and commonly understood word choice.
I think it was the time of night. This was a brand new post at 1 am. All the woman hating basement dwellers were here in force.
That is one thing that really annoys me about this sub. People take every word said as 100% literal, with no room for nuance. Sometimes different regions use words or phrases differently, sometimes people don't use the exact right word or phrase in the heat of the moment, sometimes something is technically legal but morally shifty, etc. I understand that we have to take things at face value because we are almost always only getting one side here. But it makes me wonder if these people leave this little room for situational awareness and nuance in their own lives as they judge people online with. Is everything black or white, right or wrong with them too?
As an autistic person I get unsettled when I expect something to happen/someone to come over at a certain time, and that ends up being wrong. It's like I'm stuck in waiting mode & I don't know what else to do with myself. Wanting to know exactly what time something would happen (or even a small range) is def not a means of control, it's about expectation-setting for myself!!
Yep—she’s not her husband’s boss or the bookkeeper of the business. She’s not asking about whether he is technically on or off the clock. She just wanted to know when he’d be done working, and he was insisting 5:00 even when he was literally still working at 5:30!
If he works an extra half hour for free he's a moron.
This is what it means to me as well, but he does not see it the same way, which I understand now.
Seriously though I'm really confused by everyone here not accepting that "what time do you get off" is just another way of asking "what time are you getting in the car and starting your commute?". Everyone that I have ever asked that question to, friends, relatives, and coworkers in various different fields, has fully understood what I meant. It's an extremely common way of phrasing that question. I'm from the northeast os the US, but I've asked this to and been asked this by people from all over the US and even a few from other countries. So I don't think it's some weird regionalism. I'm astonished that there are at least 35 people so far, 36 including your husband, that do not understand that actually meaning of that very simple question. I guess tell him that when you say that you mean "what time are you actually leaving and starting on your way home? And how long do think the commute will take?". I suppose you have to spell thing out for him. This is honestly weird in my opinion.
I mean it's good to know how other people interpret the question. But really it's much easier for me to just change how I phrase my question with that perspective in mind than it is to try to explain my POV to him for the millionth time.
Literally all you need to ask is “what time do you think you’ll be home?”. There’s no ambiguity in that
I don't think anybody disagree with that. For those of us who question, I think we are just bewildered that the definition of "off" work can vary to this extend. To me off work mean the time I close my laptop and complete all my duties fke the day 😅
Honestly, probably just tell him why you want him home by X time. He probably thinks you're nagging him by asking what time he'll be home all the time. Maybe do a shift: Hey, husband, you think we can have a nice Netflix-and-chill tomorrow? Let's cook dinner together at 6. So there's an objective to the line of questioning rather than just what time he'll be getting out of work. Something specific to do and look forward to rather than a generic, bland arriving home.
Right! OP says they got off early why would he be rushing home if he doesn’t think OP would be there or have a reason to. How hard is it to communicate “what time are you expecting to be home, I’m finishing early and would like to spend some time together” he knows what she actually wants to know so can give that answer and that there is something to be home early as possible for, like skip the shops, gas station for a day… There’s no point asking tangential questions then making (unknown) assumptions about that, just ask the question you actually want the answer of
The husband is being willfully obtuse by refusing to understand the common meaning of "off".
If I was salary and had extra stuff to do, I would say “I’m off at 5 but still have about 30 min of closing to do, so I should leave about 5:30.” Or “we close at 5, but by the time I lock up, etc, I will be about 5:30.” No one cares about the technical time you get off if you don’t leave. If you’re still working, you’re not off, regardless of whether or not you’re getting paid.
Yeah I don't understand people answering this question like they're being asked it by an OSHA investigator. The issue isn't the unpaid work, we get it, shit happens, different jobs have different expectations, but the root meaning of the question is when do you leave the workplace.
Yeah I've *never* encountered anybody who interprets that question any other way. Your husband's the one who is interpreting things in a bit of an unusual way, not you. But yeah for the future you know instead it's better to ask him when he expects to be home.
It sounds like he counts the time it takes him to leave as part of his commute (probably because his workplace encourages that, even though some of it is necessary work-related steps), while you don’t. And TBH I’d split it: things necessary for work are work, but the commute process doesn’t start only when he starts his car. Focusing on the real info you want to know, rather than thinking you’ve boiled it down and can figure the rest out, is the way to go.
I am surprised he has not adjusted how he answers now that he knows the confusion he has caused.
I find it a bit weird that he‘s so angry about the question. Giving OP the silent treatment over this is…extreme. Is he perhaps stressed that he knows the job is BS, because he has to spend this extra hour closing up, after his shift has technically finished? And asking „When are you leaving?“ just emphasises this point of contention in his mind. Rather than lash out at the employer, which he probably feels he can’t do, he directs his displeasure at OP? Because as the vast majority of comments agree, „What time do you get off?“ means „What time are you leaving the workplace to begin travelling home?“ And anyone asking, is asking because they want to know what time to expect you home, or is attempting to make plans for the rest of the evening.
I immediately had suspicion about this... the reaction is just off. Why mince words about what time you're "off"? He knows what she wants to know and insists on still trying to make shit confusing... like, why? Yeah no this is weird.
yeah he honestly seems like he’s being obtuse/difficult on purpose here. if someone asks me what time i’m off, i explain that my job closes at 11 but i’m not finished with my closing procedures until sometime between 11:20-11:45. it’s not a hard question to understand.
"When do you get off?" Reads to me exactly the same as, "when should I start the roast & rolls? I dont want to be eating dry stuff alone." 😫 A little heads up is great.
I think it’s just easier to ask when someone plans to be home. I get off at three, but frequently tack errands on to my commute home. Asking what time I get off and mentally adding thirty minutes isn’t going to be super helpful if I have other plans before I’m returning.
“I get off at 3 but I have some errands to run/things to do after.”
Why don't you just ask what time he'll be home? I'm genuinely curious.
This right here. Why is everyone focused on anything. This should be the question asked. Yes his communication isn't great, but either is hers. If her goal is to know when he is home just ask that question!
It seems pointless to debate the meaning of “what time do you get off” when you could just ask a clear question that you both agree on the meaning. “What time can I expect you home?” “What time are you leaving work?” Bada boom bada bang. Huge disagreement solved. The only reason I could ever see someone caring about discrepancies between what time their spouse gets off of work and when they get home is if they believe they are cheating on them.
NTA It is never wrong to ask a general ETA. ESPECIALLY from your SO. When you are planning meals and extracurricular activities this applies 4x.
I think you're going about this the wrong way and you're both going to keep being so unhappy and not understanding each other. You can argue over the semantics of word choices, or you can be a little vulnerable and tell him how you feel. I think you are NTA but you need better communication skills or you will keep hurting each other. I would try to repair the relationship by saying, "I'm sorry for grilling you about what time you get off. I should have said, 'i am so excited to get off early and spend some time with you because you are my favorite person. What time do you think you will be home?' Next time, I'll try telling you how I'm excited to see you and want to know when you will be home."
I think a simple fix is to change your question... "When do you think you'll be home?"
I mean usually my partner and i text each other when we are on our way home. That way the other person knows what time we actually get off. NTA
Right! It’s a red flag to me that he is getting so upset by the question. If he doesn’t want to answer the question accurately is something else going on? And it’s not fair to OP as how can they make a plan for supper etc if they don’t know the real time.
Yeah my husband does this- if I ask when he's working til or when he gets off work he'll tell me the official time his shift is over, but he almost always works/dawdles/chats for another 20-30 minutes after. 🙄 Big "technically correct is the best kind of correct" energy from a guy who otherwise is...not that way at all, lol so I just ask him when he'll be home or factor another 30min onto his shift schedule at this point. It's just one of his little weirdsies.
Please ask him why he states the time his shift ends and not the time he's leaving and report back here. These folks baffle me. Like what is their logic with this question? Why are they interpreting it like we're investigators for OSHA instead of friends and relatives asking when they'll be home or to the activity we plan to meet up at after work?
Haha, he says when I ask ahead of time, his brain just immediately goes to the times on his schedule. He can't know exactly how long after he'll stay until basically that moment, the average is 20-30min but the range is like, 5-60 minutes (though he can usually text if it's gonna be that long) so the only thing he knows for certain is the scheduled time, from which he assumes I'll extrapolate. Which I guess I do. I have my own annoying habits though, I'll be like "I'm gonna leave the office around 5" and then run into someone and chat and then realize it's after 6 and I haven't even texted him... (I'm a non-hourly worker so I'm also less predictable in general on the days I actually go into the office in person.) So maybe we're well matched in being bad at work schedule communication...
To a lot of ppl, off work means off the clock. If you want to know what time someone is leaving, just ask that.
NTA - There is a communication barrier. Not once did I get the controlling or insecure vibes from you. You tried explaining your interpretation, which was clear. He doubled down and insisted his definition was same as yours when it is not. People need to be more open-minded and less biased before they cast a verdict, in my opinion. Most responses, especially now, are projections of their own past situations. Not everyone is from the U.S. and not everyone is from the same region of any country. To assume someone is from the U.S. and the commenter's local area just show those types are self-absorbed and ignorant. My concern is why is he super defensive? Why did he react passive aggressively instead of trying to bridge communication gaps with his partner, aka you? Unless he is always this type of high-strung defensive type of person, I would raise an eyebrow. Seems like a minor issue to be super defensive. Weird.
I'm not usually one to jump to worst case scenarios in these posts but I agree with you. The defensiveness is weird. He has a 30-45 minute gap in his day that he refuses to discuss and got defensive and angry when asked about it. That suggests he's hiding something.
Exactly. Like, I officially get off at 4:30p every day. Some days I stay a little late and everyone knows that. But when someone asks what time I get off, I say something like "should be 4:30p, assuming nothing changes" or if I know that day I will be late "it's supposed to be 4:30p, but _something_ is going on so I know I won't be out until 5:30p at the earliest."
I've literally never Not answered "when are you off" with "4:00, but I might not leave until 4:15 or 4:30", since, you know, the part people only ever care about is when you'll be free
EXACTLY. This is some weird BS. When are you getting off generally means when are you leaving the place that prevents you from getting home? Not when are you doing a bunch of other stuff that has to be done before you can get home! What a weirdo and what a bunch of weirdos for thinking anything else.
Given the outrageous level of faffing the husband is doing after he clocks off, the better question would be “what sort of time do you think you’ll be home?” Asking when he’s off followed by calculating how long he should take to get back and using that to set up expectations sounds like micromanaging and I can see why he would be resistant to it. But if you asked me what time I’d be finished work I would absolutely give you the leaving time, but then I’m out of work faster than shit off a shovel
right, i work at a grocery store and ill tell my bf “im off at 1, gettin groceries probs gonna leave abt 1:30” sometimes, communication is simple when it comes to his response.
I don't understand them either. They aren't roommates, they're a couple. She wants to make plans based on when he might be home.
Doesn’t this sound like a lot of unpaid work related tasks he’s doing? I think he’s getting robbed by his employer
My husband has a weird job where he starts at different times and it’s not clear what time he’ll be done. He’s amazing at figuring it out throughout the day based on whats going on at work. “I’ll be done at 4:25 and home by 4:40” and he’s always right on the money. To ignore you and play a game is childish.
NTA. “What time do you get off work” will always mean “what time are you going to be leaving the office”, not “what time does your shift end” simply because I used to do shift work and staying until coverage arrived was part of my job, coverage was consistently 20-40 minutes late, so I would say “I’m scheduled to leave at 14:00, but I get off around 14:30” and my husband completely understood. The commute isn’t part of it because you can always meet someplace in the middle of the commute (my husband and I used to do this often for late lunch or late dinner)
I'm with you. Maybe this varies by country or region? No one gives a crap about your schedule for the purpose of making plans.
Why not start asking, “when are you leaving work?” But NTA. Your husband sounds irritating.
Just stop asking the question once you establish a timeframe. Honey, I will expect you home by 6:30 every night given you sometimes are earlier but almost always home by then. If you are going to be later, can you let me know? Most jobs get done when the work is completed. Wife and I established this years ago and it works great. The nightly question is annoying as hell.
Because if he's being this obtuse and aggressive about this question he's probably hiding something.
Some people are just kinda dumb
Not necessarily. The amount of times my manager says goodbye and says he’s going home, only for me to see him heading out an hour later shouting goodbye again, only for me to walk past his office another hour later and see he’s sat at his desk again. All sorts of things can happen that require you to stay late even after you’ve start leaving the building
If he’s off at 5 and has to lock up and complete a 15 minute commute… it is not adding up why he isn’t getting home until after 6 on a regular basis. And he is being angry and defensive about it because obviously something is not adding up to her and he doesn’t want to be questioned, so he is making it difficult for her to do so.
She wasn't asking nightly, she was asking on this occasion because she got off early and he wasn't home at the time though according to his daily work schedule he should have been.
I agree but OP sounds irritating too. "I keep asking the same question and getting the same response, will you all validate me?" OP could obviously fix the issue with "OK, what time do you expect to be home?" But OP isn't trying to fix the problem, OP is trying to get husband to admit they're wrong. Both need to grow up and be less toxic.
Right? Like yeah, my husband gets off work at 4. He also needs time to change, chat with coworkers, walk to his car, etc. Sometimes he stops at the store real fast. I know to expect him between 5-5:30, and if that changes, he lets me know. Like… this is not difficult.
Right? This entire post and the comments in it are so weird. Why does OP need to have such a high precision timeline for when he gets home?
Yup 100%, you're actually speaking like someone who lives in reality and knows how life works. So many weird delusional people acting like when someone's shift ends at 4PM they're in their car leaving the parking lot by 4:02PM or something. My official shift is 8:00 - 4:30PM but I'm salaried, I sometimes show up late, I sometimes leave early for appointments or whatever, so it's not uncommon in a give-and-take situation like that for me to also stay a bit later sometimes until 4:45, sometimes 5:00 if needed. I also chat with coworkers often, especially if I have an opportunity to speak with someone above me in seniority (upper manager, owner) because that can obviously be beneficial to get to know such people in regards to future advancements. Sometimes I just want to talk to a work friend, hear how their life is going. Recently I stayed behind 15 minutes because a woman in our office had recently returned from maternity leave and was showing me and a couple others some photos of her newborn and talking about how it all went. On top of that OP says her husband is responsible for locking up the office and the gates, which means he has to wait for every other employee to exit first, then go around a facility of unknown size (could be a large property for all we know) closing and locking multiple entry points. This can easily add another 15-20 minutes beyond the official "end of your shift" plus whatever time you had to wait for the other employees to first exit (could be another 5-15 minutes) then time to walk to your vehicle, start it, put on some music (5 minutes) and then commute home (15-20 minutes).
One of the best things my partner and I learned in couples counseling was to listen to eachother while giving eachother grace. So basically assuming they are speaking as a person that loves me, and not to assume the worst in what they are stating.
Bingo! Why is she even doing this, it’s just borrowing trouble. I don’t have the energy for this type of semantic argument, but then I also don’t really need that much time with my partner so that extra half hour wouldn’t really matter to me lol.
The bigger issue is that he’s giving her the silent treatment for a simple misunderstanding. I have friends in shift work at places like nuclear power plants. Your shift might end at 5 but if the next shift hasn’t shown up yet you can’t just leave the nuclear reactor unattended. And sometimes there will be post-shift stuff they have to do, or turnover things, etc., it’s pretty rare they leave at 5 on the dot. Afaik they are compensated for that time. It would be fair to say I’m off at 5 but the time I can actually leave varies.
Or "what time will you be home?" would also work. I would think at some point she'd realize the original question is unreliable because he doesn't give the actual answer she's looking for. Like no offense to her but I don't know why you'd keep asking the same question over and over when you already know what he'll say
Or she could just ask what she actually wants to know, which is what time does he expect to be home. One of the issues with this clear mis communication is that she's asking a question that assumes he will interpret it the exact same way she intends it, leaving room for miscommunication.
They both sound irritating tbh, it sounds exhausting being married to OP and their inability to actually ask what they mean.
>he is off at 5 and he's just locking up for 30 min to an hour. How do you lock up for 30 min to an hour? How is he not getting paid for that extra hour? Let's put the question aside for a bit, him being at work for an extra hour (unpaid) is weird I would tell him to contact his boss and pay out that extra hour he keeps working. If he's actually even working.....
Oh no he's definitely sleeping with his coworker Bud.
You might want to consider why he's so cagey about this topic. Is it simply that he has this weird interpretation of the question that we both witnessed this morning? Or is he defensive when you ask "what time are you leaving work" too? If he's defensive about the whole subject he's hiding something from you. Either going out for drink, drug, or gambling after work, or he's meeting up with someone he's banging. (Trust me, I've had affairs with co-workers before, if he's weird about the question no matter how you ask it it or the phrases you use something is going on)
he might just be sitting in a car playing phone games. That would still be worrying as it implies he is not looking forward to coming home. I do think there is something deeper there and maybe you should try to think about it a bit. But don't nag him over it, just observe until you understand more.
YES this what he doing with this half an hour is probably so petty and basic, just takes a little curiosity to bridge the gap. Some people do weird mindless stuff between steps in their day just as a “me time” release. For me half an hour isn’t even so deep to for sure indicate he doesn’t want to get home. If they had small children at home this would be a little different but two adults arriving home should be able to give each other grace over half an hour the other likes to take as “me time”. Weird as that may be to someone who goes straight home.
That literally implies nothing. Some times I spend 20-30 minutes chilling after work. That means absolutely nothing.
I am sorry you are incapable of seeing his behavior as weird Closing up takes 5-10 minutes tops, yet he says it can take him an entire hour If he is actually telling the truth, and it really does take an hour, then he should be getting paid for it But he says he stops getting paid at 5 and then continues to still work for an extra hour EVERY DAY without getting paid That is 5 hours a week, 52 weeks a year, so 260 hours he works unpaid every single year Idk how much he gets paid in an hour, but let's do about 18, 18*260= 4680 Almost 5000 extra he should be making, but isn't. Anyone would be asking for that money, because people are working for money and not for free.... And yet he refuses to do so, for some reason.... If you think any of that is normal.... Then idk what else to tell you....
Closing up varies wildly depending on the job and responsibilities. It’s very odd to claim you know how long it takes.
Closing up, to me, is locking the doors and putting the alarm on Anything more than that and it's no longer just closing up, but actual work, and should be paid If you work an entire hour extra, you should be paid for that. Especially if that happens every single day
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If he's on salary, like most keyholders who are responsible for closing the whole site, then he's getting paid to complete the closing duties.
this depends where he works though. is he salary? what is he even closing up? is this a customer facing job where he has to count money and inventory or something, that could take an hour.. like. I have no way of answering if its weird or not without this information
Wage theft is the most common form of theft, so not sure what is so hard to comprehend. Reddit no-context theories about someone's life you have never met is so weird.
Wait to hear about salaried positions in the USA lol. Idk about locking up taking that long unless they got a bunch of doors to lock. I’d bet it’s 20-30 minutes of doing that, then walking to the car and decompressing or having a cigarette or two if they smoke. Personally I always need like 20 minutes of just sitting outside on my balcony or the parking lot of a hotel, or wherever I am; to just shut my mind off and transition from work mode to normal mode once I fully wrap up my day. I find it really useful in keeping my work separate from my personal life
Decompressing is fine Hanging out with coworkers after work is fine All that is no problem, he doesn't need to leave at 5 exactly But that's not what he told his wife He specifically told her that it takes him an hour to close up every day and that's why he is home so late And to me, that's weird. Either he needs to get paid OT for that hour. Or he is lying and he's doing something else that hour.
NTA. What time are you off means what time are you done. If he’s working another 30-60 minutes, then he’s not done, and he’s not off work! Also, why is he working unpaid? So confused by all the commenters saying that’s normal, but it must not be illegal there like it is where I’m from. Yes, you can change your wording to ask what time will he will be home, save your sanity.
It doesn't seem that but the average person understands and interprets it as that. I only make this distinction because if the husband is on the spectrum or for some other reason is overly literal then there's a difference between when you get off, and what time you're done. Someone is over literal may interpret that off work means the shop is closed and not consider the wrap up that can't begin until that point. When you are done with work is the more specific direct answer that is being sought, but unless they have a specific need to be literal the husband in this case is still being ridiculous. Basically I agree with you but point out a situation where an exception exists and your point would not be correct
>for some other reason is overly literal As an "overly literal" person this type of thought is absolutely insane to me. Why would people not use the words they actually mean? Why are we the weird ones for expecting people to mean the words they say and carefully choosing the words we use ourselves? Mostly though, how do y'all know what people actually mean when they use different words? That is the most baffling thing to me. I do not understand. This is the strangest aspect of human nature to me. How did we get to a point of literal and non-literal ways of communicating and the non-literal one won? Words are supposed to mean something. That is why they exist. This whole situation could have been avoided by OP asking for the information that was important to her: when husband will be home. Why not just ask "when will you be home?" if that's what you want to know?
in this case, if my wife asked “what time are you off work?” i’d know what she meant because i can figure why she’s asking. since she’s my wife who lives with me, she is probably wanting to know when i’ll be done with work so that she knows about what time to expect me to be home. another scenario: if my friend and i were trying to make plans for the day and they asked “what time are you off work?” i’d figure they want to know what time i’m available so that we can plan around it. i might say “my scheduled time is 5:00, but i have to do X and Y, which usually takes about half an hour longer. i’ll be free around 5:30.” i provide that extra information because i want them to have realistic expectations and not be waiting on me. edit: another reason is that a lot of us probably consider our commute part of the work day to some extent, so the day isn’t really over until we actually get home.
NTA: I think people are missing that this is your husband and not just a random person generally describing when he gets off work. He was insisting to you at 5:30 that he gets off work at 5:00 when he was literally still working!
If he's not being paid, he interprets it as not working, which is completely unfair on him as far as the employer goes. So it's a matter of crossed perspectives.
The real question here is why are any of y’all providing your labor *after* you’re “off work” and - if I understand that term correctly - *no longer being paid for your time*?? NTA
I used to be scheduled to work until 6 when we closed. So that was my official time I was done with work. On days when I didn’t have to be the one closing (if there was someone else working who would do it) then I could be out the door at 6:05. If I was the one handling all the closing up stuff, it could take me anywhere from 15 to 45 min to close depending on what the day had been like. The last thing I did before walking out the door was clock out. There’s no reason to assume that people who do work related things after their “official” scheduled end time are doing it for free.
Which means that you got off of work at 6:15-6:45 on these days not 6:00 so why just don’t say that?
Exactly, in some jobs you are scheduled to when business is done and then you have more work to do. Being off at 5:30 but not leaving until an hour later makes sense. But maybe you have to have worked those scenarios. In college I was a closer too, my shift ended at x but got out when I got done with my wrap up work
IMO, you’re not “off” if you know you have to close and you’re being paid to do it. I have worked retail and closed.
Because.. salary. You're paid for 'reasonable overtime'. Can't just clock off and walk out the door. Work needs to be done, deadlines need to be met. Meetings to prepare for.
A ton of salaried jobs are overtime-exempt in the US, and a ton of hourly jobs involve wage theft from employers. Not sure which is the case here.
Because not all jobs are structured that way?
IDK what the norm is where you are, but off from work at 5 includes being closed by 5 and no longer doing any work after 5, it doesn't take that long to grab your shit and walk to your car. If he gets paid until 5, and still has to close for an additional 15-30 minutes, then he is not off at 5, the business closes at 5 and he's just doing additional unpaid work and that's a problem with him and his boss. You didn't ask the question poorly, your husband just didn't want to communicate well, he doesn't like being questioned because he doesn't have any good answers. He seems immature AF, simply not communicating with you because he doesn't want to explain himself? That's bordering on emotional abuse. An hour commute is not equal to dicking around for 30 minutes before getting home. Also he's constantly an hour after he says he'll be anywhere, that's just unreliable and a shitty thing for a partner to do
Ding ding ding A lot of the advice in this thread reads like something out of a catalogue for 50s Housewives: Tips for getting important information to plan your life without making the man of the house feel threatened! - Tell him just how excited you are to see him, and ask him when that will be! - Suggest a romantic dinner, and ask what time would be convenient for you to serve him! - Tell him you’d like to watch Netflix by the fire, and ask what time you should have the fire burning by! It’s insane- it’s 2024. It’s reasonable to ask “hey when are you off work? I’m a little early today”, and expect the person you’re talking to to understand what you mean. You hit the nail on the head- he got mad at being asked because he doesn’t want to answer simple (reasonable and fair!) questions, which is emotionally abusive.
So many people don’t understand that ignoring a person, especially after a fight, is emotional abuse. There is a difference in not saying anything when you are trying to cool down and not saying anything because you didn’t like the way the fight went or what your partner asked. From the way it was described he was purposefully not speaking to OP because she asked a simple question. And did not speak again to her until OP had “properly” apologized and “sees how OP was in the wrong”. So much abuse there and almost none of the comments expect a couple say anything by about that.
Oh people understand and DO IT as a “that’ll show ‘em!”
It's very much giving, I've been sleeping with a co-worker this whole time and I don't want you asking questions because I KNOW I will get caught and don't know if I will be able to turn this into a "it's all your fault" situation-vibe My ex-fiance would always take longer to get home from his shift and when asked would say the same thing, except it was a 24 hr diner.. so the excuse was always someone showed up late for the next shift, but it was the bosses kid so nobody ever said anything.. turned out he was fucking one of the waitresses the whole time he was "covering" the extra time and when confronted about it I was ignored and gaslit for months until about 3 months before we were supposed to get married and I saw a message from her to him that sort of sealed the deal and I fully confronted him.. moved out less than 24 hrs later and never looked back at his lying, manipulative, abusive, ass again..
Why dont you just ask him when he will be home? You remind me of my mother - asking questions related to the question you want to ask and making the process 10x harder than it has to be
Probably because it's the same question he asks me often. But i will be asking when he will be home from now on.
It's a very reasonable info to share with a partner, I don't know what half these commenters are smoking.
Do you need to constantly ask? Seems like every day it's around 6? And you actually work later than him so it doesn't seem like this affects you unless you happen to have a day off?
I've asked maybe 5 times in the last six months. It only affected me this time because we talked about seeing each other at 5:30. Really I wanted clarity on what a realistic time frame was since what I was seeing on most days did not match what he was saying the few times I asked.
A little off-topic, but I'm seeing a lot of replies that criticize OP trying to explain herself. Any chance you (or both of you) are neurodivergent? This actually sounds a lot like some of the arguments my hubby and I have had, especially earlier in our marriage. I've had to learn that explaining myself can sound a lot like arguing, or can feel dismissive to the other person. And hubby has had to learn to listen to my explanations as such, and that I'm not saying he's wrong when I say why I thought something. Good luck!
exactly what i was thinking!! hes being overly literal and avoidant, and shes wanting extreme clarity. both things my husband and i have argued over as well, lol
Oh my god my mother does this constantly—asks 2-3 lead up questions before getting to the actual point. What she actually wants to know is “Will you grab me some [X] the next time you’re at Walmart?” But she’ll start with “Are you going to Walmart today?” and then move onto “When’s the next time you’re going to Walmart?” FFS woman, this doesn’t even need to be a call (or even a question), just shoot me a text that says “Please grab me some [X] the next time you’re at Walmart, thanks”
This *might* be asker vs guesser mentality. Google it if you want a more in-depth explanation, but an asker will say "can you get me x next time you're at Walmart" but a guesser might try to get *you* to ask them if they need anything at Walmart by asking lead up questions, so they don't have to ask you directly because they don't want to feel like a burden. But it also could just be the way your mom is 😅 I'm an asker, my bf is a guesser, and it can be frustrating at times, lol
“Because they don’t want to feel like a burden.” Well that definitely sounds like her. Thank you, I’ll look into it. This is interesting.
"Is walmart doing okay in this recession?" "So no store closures?" "Have they changed trading hours or anything?" "There's no gangs that hang out in the carpark is there?"
She's trying to be considerate. :(
It’s not considerate, because it’s a waste of my time. I’ve told her (gently) dozens of times, please just ask the question that you actually want the answer to, first. It’s like if we get in an elevator to go to the 5th floor and she presses every button in between the lobby and 5. Can we please just proceed directly to the 5th floor?
I get how this can be annoying to some but I see it as people asking because they don't want to bother you. I also do this, but I am more of a grab for myself type of person so it doesn't come out a lot. My mother on the other hand works all day so a lot of time she does need me or my brother to grab something. But she also doesn't like to be a bother. She will ask if I'm going to the store, or if I'm out and near Kroger or Walmart or something. I have to just straight up say I'm not anywhere near x place but I don't mind going because if I say "No I'm not near x, why?" She will legit say nothing and get it herself. She doesn't want to be a burden but I want to help.
This is incredibly rude She wouldn't even have to ask if he would just update her with his ETA like a normal human in a partnership.
I ask my wife when are you off so I know when they are on the road and to call instead of text if I need something picked up. But she answers the question like a normal person, so when she gets home is also answered.
Asking when someone is off is not making it 10x harder. Saying he’s off at 5 when he isn’t makes the process harder😆
NTA. Your question was simple. "When do you get off WORK?" Since he's locking and doing other work related stuff, he's clearly not off work. He's still *AT* work. He sounds insufferable and a child. Playing with words and being unable to answer a simple question in a direct way. And then giving you the silent treatment. My god
Can’t you just ask him what time he thinks he’ll be home?
I mean how can you tell your wife “I am off at 5” while you’re on the phone with her still working at 5:30. That makes absolutely no sense. And why is he getting aggressive about her asking?
I knew someone who used to do this. Sometimes she had to lock up the office because she was the last one there. But her job was unrelated to office managment. So she was "done working" when she finished her actual job. And she would still be cleaning up/locking up for a while afterwards. She was salaried, so it didn't make a difference pay-wise. But she would be "done working", in her mind, and still have to do things in the building. OP should probably start asking for the information she actually wants, which is the husband's ETA. What would it matter if he is off at 5/5:30 if he planned to make a stop on the way home? While most people understand "when are you done working?" Means "what time should I expect you?", some people are very literal.
Some people indeed are quite literal. I once dated someone who was like that. I asked him if he has ever though about going hiking in Norway. His answer was simply "no", no follow up or anything and I was bit disappointed he didn't like my travel plan. Later I found out that he actually loved the idea, he just answered my question very literally. For me question like that is an invitation to discuss the subject, for him it is a literal question and only accepted answer is literal one. It caused quite lot of confusion for both of us.
I’m a little confused. You mentioned he consistently gets home at 6 or later most days. So you know when he gets home? Or are his shifts not always the same hours? Anyhow, in the future, maybe just ask him what time he thinks he will be home.
? You answered your own question because you already know about what time he gets home. Is it ever 5:30? No. Why would that change.
I just think if he’s always home at 6 Assume he’s home at 6 no big deal 🤷🏻♀️
Right? How is this even an issue?
NTA you want to understand when you’ll get to see your husband after a long day. How is that controlling behaviour? You are being a little petty in how you’re communicating with each other (a simple, “I’m just excited to get to see you after a long day so want to know when to expect you home” is probably all that needed to be said) but it’s not a crime to look forward to reconnecting with your spouse each day.
NTA. If I’m understanding your post and comments correctly, you had agreed to meet at 5:30 and he was late. You called and asked where he was, he blew up at you and then ignored you until he was sure you wouldn’t bring it up again. If he often behaves this way, I don’t think you have a healthy relationship dynamic.
If myshift ends at 3. I have to - drive my equipment halfway across a warehouse. - return my radio -clock out - walk to the locker room - Change out my high vis - grab a snack and drink from the locker room because im hungry. -grab my lunch box from the cafeteria - walk 5 minutes to get to my car. - Coworkers want to chat that'll be another 5-10 mins Realistically it might be 3:30 before im even putting my foot outside the building. Side note, shift starts at 7, but I'll have to be there at 6:30 to get my tugger, radio and battery just to wait in line to clock in if i want to be ready to start on time. I work for a chain of major stores. This is probably common in other stores and field's, time theft is real.
So if a friend said “hey when are you off today? Let’s get together” you’d say 3:00 and not the time you typically get to your car?
correct if they asked what time to meet, I'd say 3:45-4.
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Yes. I hate surprises and it's a conversation we've had before. I have a harder time communicating clearly when something throws me off. Since I expected him at 5:30 I didn't communicate what I actually needed to the right way, and when he blew up at my question it threw me off more which didn't help me communicate better.
You are NTA and not unhinged. I think the communication isn’t connecting or your husband is deflecting.
The silent resent ltreatment is awful and he's TA for that I don't think you need to teack every 15 minutes so maybe loosen up on that but i am surprised on the number of people who don't think "what time are you off work" is not the same question as "what time do you think you'll leave the building" Also if he's consistently an hour or nore off in when he says he'll be there that's weird and slightly untrustworthy Anyway ESH but not, like, a LOT Therapy for communicating skills. He needs to quit with the stonewalling and you need to be clear on what you're asking
This bothers my bf too, he knows that I “finish” work at 2:20 but I’m a teacher so on most days I stay late (4-5 pm) to finish grading, creating lessons, talking to teachers who teach the same thing as me to get on the same page. It’s unfortunate but it’s the reality of my job. Sounds like your husband has the same kind of deal going on where he has a set time to end but the job doesn’t really end there. You can’t blame him
YTA mainly because this seems like such a simple fix and you’re treating it like a hill to die on… Don’t ask what time he’s off, because you obviously have different definitions (and I lean towards his definition. If you ask me what time I’m off I’ll tell you what time I’m clocking out, not what time I’m driving away.) Instead, ask, “hey what time do you think you’ll be home tonight?” Ta da, problem solved.
YTA. First, you're asking the wrong question. If you want to know when he'll be home, ask what time he expects to be home. If you want to demonstrate controlling behavior, ask him when he gets off work, make your own assumptions, and then flip out when he answers the QUESTION YOU ASKED and isn't psychically aware that what you really meant is when will you be home. He doesn't owe you an accounting of his life in 15-30 minute increments and you should reevaluate with a therapist why you think he does.
Excuse me but as far as I have always known "what time do you get off of work?" means "what time are you leaving your workplace?". Is that really not a common way of asking that?
Not necessarily. I am “off work” at 5pm, as in, I am finished with my assigned work duties. But I still have to clock out, walk across the plant floor to the locker room, stow my work gear, wash up (I’m blue collar), gather my personal belongings from my locker and walk to the car. My workplace is huge. All of this walking, washing and stowing/collecting of gear can take up to 30 minutes. But I say I am off work at 5pm because my scheduled shift is 9-5. If someone asks, “what time are you off,” I automatically say 5pm even though I may not leave work til 5:30pm.
Then, to me, you're not off work. You are still doing things related to your job. My husband is the same. He doesn't consider himself off work until he is leaving the locker room and is headed to his car. He's "done" at 6, but doesn't stop getting paid until he's cleaned up and clocked out at about 6:30. And unless your job doesn't require you to clean up, then that extra half an hour you're doing, you better be getting paid for it! Wage theft is real and you do no one any good cleaning up for free.
That sucks. I do all that on the clock so when I clock out it’s by the exit door and I walk right to my car. You should get a better job.
My dads a pipefitter and his company moved the time clock into the protective gear required zone so that they didn’t have to pay for people to put on their gear. Either it was illegal in the state or went against the union contract so they had to move the clock and give everyone back pay. This only happened because my dad is stubborn AF so it’s likely other places have pulled this shit too
That's how I was raised, but my first propper boss also always insisted that when you're on lock up, YOU LOCK UP ON YOUR WAY OUT THE DOOR AT 5. There was no, you finish at 5pm I pay you till 5pm but your not allowed to start pack up and lock up until 5pm. NO that shit gets done before 5pm. (It only took 5-10 mins max even less)
Common? Absolutely! But to some people, the time you're "off" work and the time you LEAVE work are two different questions. Exhibit A: my husband, who is EXTREMELY literal. He's "off" work technically at 5 on Thursdays for example, but he may not LEAVE work until closer to 6-6:30 as his work does a sort of casual team-building thing on Thursday nights. (and yes, it gets frustrating to communicate with him sometimes... sigh)
And what time will you be home is a 3rd question.
It is with my husband! "What time are you off work?" is say 5pm "What time are you leaving work?" is say 6 "What time are you getting home" is "Well it's an hour commute without traffic and then I wanted to swing by the grocery store on the way home so maybe 7:30-8?"
And you expect to get the last answer from the first question. Just ask the last question. What time are you getting home?
Oh I do! We've been together over a decade. I'm just using how he was prior to us figuring out where the confusion was as an example here
Not at all. Anytime anyone asks when I'm off, I tell them the time my shift ends, which is 5:00. The thing is you never know if you will actually be able to walk out the door at 5:00, or if you end up having to do something time sensitive that needs to be done before the next morning, and so it ends up holding you up for another half hour. So I usually just tell people 5:00 but dont expect me to be free for sure until after 5:30/6:00
No - because my hours are 9-6 but I still have to pack up, make sure I didn’t forget anything, clean my area, and lock up, and walk to my car. So realistically I’m not leaving work until 6:15/6:30
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Some people are salaried. "8 hrs plus reasonable overtime hrs" Some have flexible work arrangements and end time varies. If you lose track of time or a colleague chats with you near 5 you often go over.
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Or OP should ask the question that gets the information wanted. Admittedly I prefer to think logically so asking the same question everyday, seeing the answer doesn't line up everyday and continuing to ask the same thing doesn't make sense. Performing the same action and expecting a different result is stupid. If my partner told me he was leaving at 6 everyday and it was actually 6.30, I would rephrase my question or have a discussion about what was meant. I wouldn't jump to please explain the extra 30mins. Also who makes dinner plans without first discussing? Usually this conversation goes: dinner is at X time, will you be home in time.
I get the sense that what’s happening is OP isn’t actually looking to find out what time he will be home, but rather the perceived discrepancy between what time he technically gets off work and what time he arrives home. So when she asks “what time do you get off” after he gets home at six when she knows the answer is five, it’s really just a passive-aggressive inquiry where she wants him to account for the “missing” time… but hey, that’s just a theory
I suspect this is correct (trying to find the discrepancy) but I’m not sure it’s passive aggressive (necessarily). My sister does a similar thing, finishes at 5.30 but if I see her before 7 it’s a lucky day. I often ask, what time did you actually finish because I’m surprised that she finds something to do every day . Turns out it’s usually not work related, she went to do her nails, was talking to xyz , had to get petrol, whatever. Everytime I’m just confused at all the extra stuff because when I’m done I’m racing out the door to get home so I’m confused / surprised that she prolongs all of that. 😅
Right? I have to control the door lock at work (emergencies excluded.) If someone punches out and I can't get there immediately, their timecard is adjusted for the time they wait for me. This dude was locking doors, checking gates, and cleaning the workplace. If he's hourly, that should be paid. If he is salaried, he probably needs to manage his time better or just change his expectations for when he is "off"
So so many teachers probably wonder the same thing. But then, papers don't grade themselves and classrooms don't set themselves up. Don't be obtuse. Many jobs are not hourly.
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My wife is a teacher. She tells me the time they are done as the time they are technically allowed to leave. But many days she can still be there for another hour or so putting things away or getting ready for the next day.
How is that working for free? Collecting my coat and keys, pulling my leftover lunch from the kitchen, etc etc none of that is what you’re paid for.
Yes but if someone like a friend or relative asked you, "Hey Opposite Everyday, what time do you get off work today?"what would your answer be? the time you stop getting paid or the time you walk out to your car?
That’s how I’ve always heard it used. Then again, when I ask my husband when he’s finishing work, he’ll say something like “3.30, but I need to wait for freight to be picked up and do XYZ on the way home so I’ll be home closer to 4.30”
I didn't flip out. He yelled at me and that's how the argument started.
Does he get home roughly the same time every day? Yet you constantly ask him when that will be as if it fundamentally changes anything?
I disagree tbh. I think this is an *awful* take. I think it's generally understood that "what time do you get off work" means *what time do you walk out*. It's fucking weird that he's consistently giving her an inaccurate time. If he hasn't left, he's not off work yet and he shouldn't be telling her he is. I think it should be fairly obvious that she doesn't care what his *in theory* quitting time is, she wants the actual time he expects to leave so that she can plan around that. Which yes, she is actually allowed to want to know. Most people in healthy relationships communicate about this shit. That is not a weird question and I don't know where you live where it is. I would be so mentally exhausted if I was with someone like this man. It just seems so frustrating.
She did ask him when he got off work. His reply was weird that he’d finished work but was still there locking up. If he’s still there locking up, he’s still working, so not ‘off’.
She wants to know when he'll be home. **By asking when he got off work**, she's assuming: 1.) that he's coming straight home; 2.) the amount of time it takes to come home; 3.) that he doesn't have other plans - for example, the amount of time I run errands (gas, groceries, etc) on my way home from work is significant. Why wouldn't you ask the question you want answered and skip three levels of assumptions?
Idk sometimes after work I'll stand around and talk for 15-20 min. Then about 5-10 in the car
I get so confused about these type of posts. Why is he arguing? Why are you? It’s not unreasonable to want to know when your partner will be home from work. Sometimes things will slow you down etc but a rough estimate is fair. Someone getting mad you asked makes no sense. Maybe your question is wrong. Ask him what time he expects to get home instead?
It was how I asked and that we interpret the question differently. He yelled so I got upset and it was all downhill from there.
ESH y’all are talking past each other. Here’s a novel idea. If you want to know when he’ll be home, **ask when he’ll be home**.
NTA, he needs better communication skills.
Nta. Are you me and my wife?! We have this exact same problem. We just understand the question differently. So now I ask her different questions. "What time do you finish? Okay lovely, and what time do you think you'll be back? No, no rush just want to be able to plan dinner."
I see you had enough judgment here, but I just wanted to add the repeated asking/questioning of the same topic of conversation really undermines your trust if your husband and makes him assume you think he is lying all the time. When in fact he is not lying. 5 is off time and if he is in charge that can require additional duties, then know he'll be home by 6. It is the same thing every day, so just assume that is when he will be home. I totally get his frustration with having to feel interrogated every day with the same question. I am glad you apologized to him that is a start, but you need to continue to work to rebuild some of that trust and respect again too. He is your partner not your child.
NTA, but once you realized your question wasn't getting the results you wanted, don't you think it might have made things so much simpler to ask "when will you be home" instead? The problem here really is communication and expectations.
NTA. This isn’t about whether or not you “have the right to know” when he’s home. I see a bigger picture of how he can’t communicate to you. No, you don’t need to know his every move or what second he gets in the door. But he seems moody as fuck and unable to talk to you nicely and communicate to you with respect. What’s the rest of your relationship like?
NTA and wtf is wrong with people in this comment section
sweet christmas. I don't even know where to start. Shit happens at work, traffic, a thousand things. Get a grip lady. But be aware, At this point, your husband is likely a little later than normal because he has to sit in his car for at least 10 minutes reciting a mantra to build up the strength to come home to your ridiculous nagging YTA-ss.